HUMOR ENTERTAINMENT DINING TRAVEL SEPTEMBER 2010

MUSIC AND ENTERTAINMENT Seneca Casino's Event Centers Goo Goo Dolls - Live October 30 Randy Travis - September 18

27TH ANNUAL PENN'S COLONY FESTIVAL September 18-19 & 25-26, 2010

DINING REVIEW VILLAGE TAVERN The West End’s newest eatery

ExclusiveExclusive pphotoshotos from the best rock concerconcertrt of the summer INSIDE

Contents

Page 3...... Penns Colony Publisher: Joyce Campisi Page 4...... Bengal Cats Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi Page 5...... Oak Crest Pet Crematory Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III Page 6...... Wine Assignment Editor: Jennifer L. Campisi Graphic Designer: Dennis Kostley, Pages 8-10...... Theater Casey King, Ryan Cherry, Colin Miller Page 11...... Health And Wellness Photographer: Ryan Cherry, Trish Imbrogno, Page 12-13...... Dining Todd Brunozzi Pages 14...... Tailgaters Feature Writers: Suz Pisano, Trish Imbrogno, Pages 15...Seneca Casino’s Events Centers Attorney Jeffrey Pollock Contributing Writers: Bill Mace, Jean Mace, Pages 16-19...... Music Dottie Wilhelm, Gerry Pekol, Lori Hon, Pages 20-21...... KISS Boris Pekol Pages 22-39...... Humor Webmaster: Benjamin Auman Page 40...... Classifieds Distribution Manager: Warren Rudolph

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2 • September 2010 Penns Colony

he 27th annual award winning Penn's Colony Festival is effect of the Stamp Act and the issuance of paper money. held in Saxonburg, Butler County, this annual festival In addition to celebrating the history of the region, Penn's Tbrings together living history, heritage, cultural traditions Colony tradesmen, more than 150 juried craftsmen, offer fine and educational family fun for the entire family. quality, handmade in America, functional and decorative arts, Experience a recreated colonial village in the midst of the crafts, jewelry, metal ware and furniture from their shops nestled celebration "Publick Tymes." See a full day of colonial along the village streets. entertainment of music, dance, living history, children's games. "This is also not just another craft show," according to Beth You can also learn how to play and instrument and take part in Rush, Penn's Colony co-founder. "You can see and feel the hands on craft making demonstrations. passion in the work of these artisans. Whether it's a memento Pass through the town's gates and you are transported to an from your day with us or a piece of hand-made fine furniture, early American village on market day. Scores of costumed any purchase you might make is a quality item. You can talk with participants provide period music, dance and comedy. Period the artisans who made it. Ask them why they do what do. They'll foods and more modern fare are available to feed hearty be glad to share their stories of how they made the decision to appetites.. French trappers, frontier men and soldiers stroll the act on their passions to create and preserve the hand-made in byways. Native Americans can occasionally be spotted under America arts." the boughs at the forest edge. Red-coated British soldiers march For more information a full schedule please visit: about town, tightly ranked, with rifles at the ready, while heated www.pennscolony.com political discussions spring up on street corners, debating the

September 2010 • 3 What Exactly Is A Bengal Cat

or all the talk you hear about the amazing beauty of the varies in volume from loud to unbelievable, but is easily stopped Bengal cat, you could be forgiven for assuming that a by either giving them what they want, or making them realize it FBengal possesses normal domestic cat behavior, just with won’t do them any good. wonderful markings as well. However, ask a Bengal owner why At the other end of the spectrum, Bengal purrs are laced with they bought their second Bengal (as so often happens...) and all manner of trills and chirrups. And they have much wider you’ll find out the real reason why a Bengal cat is such a vocabulary including "I’ve just seen something to chase" wonderful addition to many homes: It is that many Bengal cats chatters, and even a lovely frustrated short "nya!" grumble when are delightful characters who light up your life with entertainment, they can’t reach something they are jumping for. Bengals aren’t interest and affection. especially noisy cats. They don’t constantly commentate on your The general personality - At the simplest level, most Bengals, life like some Siamese, but they do have a varied range of have a lot of personality! In a manner similar to the oriental cat outspoken calls which they use when they feel the need. breeds, they are intelligent, lively, interactive cats, with whom you Food glorious food! - Oh yes Bengals like their food. They have a very genuine two-way relationship. They are typically have to be first to get to it! The main trouble with feeding neither an ‘aloof’ cat who ignores you haughtily, nor a dull quiet Bengals can be that they tend to climb inside the food bag cat. They are very much a dynamic and active part of the family before you can pour it out, and treats such as chicken pieces are group. Bengals however are not the same as Orientals, nor any carried off and guarded proudly with a low growl! other breed, but have various key characteristics which make Are Bengals ‘fierce’? - Some people have assumed that ‘wild very special and different. animals are fierce’, so any pet with wild blood must be more The amazing athlete! - For 40% of the time at least, Bengals are likely to be ‘fierce’. It is true that one of the differences between astounding athletes. They can rush around with great glee, climb a domesticated animal and a wild one is its ability to interact doors and cupboards, and leap to huge heights. My Bengal will happily with humans, though more often than not small wild cats land on my shoulder in a single leap from a couple of feet away, are more likely to be scared of humans than to attack them. in order to assist me in any interesting activity such as answering However, a Bengal is not a wild animal. It is most definitely a the door, or looking in a cupboard. They will bounce about, roll domestic animal which has been selectively bred over several around, switch lights on and off (!) and even do full somersaults generations for character as well as appearance, and Bengals whilst in high spirits. Kittens in particular can be all over the today should be no more aggressive (or defensive) than any place, in a veritable stampede. other cat. There are reports of some difficulties with The big softy - But fear not - there is some peace to be had! temperament very early in the Bengal’s development but for Perhaps fortunately, the flip side of Bengal behavior is that for many years breeders have been working very hard on Bengal much of the time, Bengals go to the other extreme, and become character, and these reports are no longer heard. You should, of total softies. They flop over and roll on their backs in ecstasy, course, always get to meet kittens and their parents to evaluate come up to you and nuzzle your face, purring wildly, then finally their character before making a purchase, as you would any curl up into happy little balls and fall fast asleep. They genuinely other cat. crave affection and will spend many happy hours resting piled up Bengals can be quite easily trained not to do things you don’t on top of you purring. They will wake you in the night, rubbing like, simply by hissing at them to say ‘stop’. This seems a lot their head against you and paddling happily on the covers with more effective than shouting "NO!" etc. since it is ‘cat language’ their paws, then sleep silently with you till morning. They have for ‘stop’ and shows them who is boss. Any hissing must, of ridiculous stretchy moods when they roll and writhe around on course, be balanced by lots of affection, so they know you still their backs in a most uninhibited manner. This makes a lovely love them! In summary, Bengals have very engaging, energetic, complement to the Bengal’s energetic moments. loving characters and this is one of the main reasons they are The Bengal’s voice - So what does a Bengal sound like? Well in wonderful pets. Their character would not make them ideal pets truth, they can sound like all sorts of thinks. Perhaps the most for someone who wants a quiet, low key companion, but makes obvious noise they make is a melodic but very insistent them amazing pets for people who want a more ‘dog-like’ "YOWWWLLL!!!!" when they want to draw your attention to member of the family, along the same lines as oriental cats, something. Shades of YOWWWLLL will mean "open that door!", but with many special features that make them unique and "Hello again", "FOOOD!", "turn the tap on please", and rewarding pets. particularly loudly "LET ME OUT OF THIS CAGE!!!!". This noise

4 • September 2010 Oak Crest Pet Crematory... A Very Special Place

estled on Cemetery Lane in the North Hills is a very special markers, from bronze, marble, wood, granite in all shapes, placed called Oak Crest Pet Crematory. I happened upon patterns, colors and sizes. Oak Crest can personalize or engrave Nthis place just recently when I was asked by a dear friend your urn or marker. If you choose burial, they also stock a full line to pick up the remains of her beloved cat of 14 years. I have of burial supplies for your pet. lived in the North Hills for over 20 years and have driven by When experiencing the loss of a pet make sure to ask the right thousands of times and never once did I notice its presence. questions concerning the after-death care of your pet. You I was so impressed that I felt compelled to share my story and wouldn’t think of leaving a deceased member of your family at what I learned with you, dear readers. Pets have always been the doctor’s office or hospital. Why would you leave your pet? and will continue to be an important part of my life. They are truly Here are seven very important questions you need to ask. members of our family, sharing unconditional love and devotion in How, specifically, will you dispose of my pet? (Did you know their own very special unique way. The loss of a loved family pet that most pets end up in a land fill?) is always an emotional and difficult experienced. I know, Who will handle the disposal of my pet? (Will that person be because I have experience it first hand. The loss of a pet can be kind and caring and show respect to my pet?) devastating. But, having a place where they truly understand and If I choose cremation, will my pet be cremated with other respect your pet can make all the difference in the world. Oak animals? (I know I wouldn’t want my pet cremated with other Crest is definitely that special place. people’s pets) From the moment I arrived, I felt the warmth, care and respect Can you guarantee that my pet will be cremated and provide that this family has for not only pets but, for us, the owners. I me with a written guarantee? (If you don’t know where your pet was only a friend and they treated me like I would have wanted to is going, how can you be assured it will be cremated and not end be treated had I just lost my pet. I thought back to a very sad up in a land fill?) day when we lost one of our pets and I remember wishing I could How can I be sure I am getting my pet and only my pet’s have done more to give our pet a special memorial and here it cremation? (I know I want to be assured that I am getting my pet was all along, had I only known... how comforting that would and not the remains of someone else’s pet) have been! I now own two sheepdogs and often I have worried May I inspect the facility where the cremation will be about what to do if something happens to them. It’s extremely performed? (At Oak Crest their crematory is right on site, you can comforting and wonderful to know that I can call Oak Crest and stay and wait for you pet so that they can go home with you the they will be there for me in my time of need, taking care of my same day) pets in a truly fitting and respectful manner. I believe the act of Can my pet be returned to me within 48 hours? memorializing will help cope with the grief plus it offers a If the answers to any of these questions are not satisfactory, permanent tribute to help with the healing process. your pet is not getting the care and respect they deserve..... Call Oak Crest provides private cremation and they handle each Oak Crest Pet Crematory, you can trust that your pet will be pet individually with respect and care. Philip Donatelli, the treated with the dignity and respect they deserve and you desire youngest son is the director of Oak Crest, one of several for them. mainstays of their growing family businesses. All family owned It’s so comforting knowing that when the time comes for my and operated by his father and founder, Fred Donatelli. brothers pets, Oak Crest will be there for me and I will definitely be utilizing ...... Fred (Corky) and Phllip. They also own Fred Donatelli Oak Crest Pet Crematory. They accept Mastercard and Visa, Memorials and Pittsburgh Cremation Services. plus they will discuss and keep you fully informed of their fees Oak Crest offers professional and efficient services. They prior to providing any service. understand the importance of you knowing where your pet is, who they are with, how they are being cared for, your desire to have them home with you in a timely manner, and how their Where Is It? services are a positive part of the healing process for you and Oak Crest Pet Crematory is located at 143 Cemetery Lane, North your family. They can even provide transportation from your Hills, Pittsburgh, PA 15237 – off Exit 5 of Rt 279 - Check them out on the web at www.OakCrestPetCrematory.com or for more residence or veterinarian’s office. If you choose to bring your pet information call them at 412-939-3255 to them, they have a very comfortable waiting room on site, a lovely place to wait so that you can take your pet back home with you the same day. They offer a beautiful selection of urns and

September 2010 • 5 15 Delicious Wine Pairing Suggestions

ine rules are more like the pirate’s code: more of a set of Light seafood dishes, like Seafood Tostada Bites, seem to take guidelines. There’s considerable room for on more flavor when matched with equally delicate white wines, Wexperimentation and expression of your own personality such as Pinot Grigio or Arneis from Italy or Chablis from France. in pairing food and wine. The rules for wine pairing have relaxed Malbec: Won’t be overshadowed by sweet-spicy barbecue a bit, but the fact remains that certain flavors of food and wine sauces mix better together than others. Remember, rules are meant to Malbec, Shiraz and Côtes-du-Rhône are big and bold enough to be broken and the best pairings are the ones that bring you joy. drink with foods brushed with heavily spiced barbecue sauces Syrah: Matches with highly spiced dishes like Chicken Drumsticks with Asian Barbecue Sauce When a meat is heavily seasoned—like Asian-Spiced Pork Chardonnay: For fatty fish or fish in a rich sauce Shoulder and Cumin-Spiced Burgers—look for a red wine with Silky whites—for instance, Chardonnays from California, Chile lots of spicy notes. Syrah from Washington, Cabernet Franc from or Australia—are delicious with fish like salmon or any kind of France and Xinomavro from Greece are all nice choices. seafood in a lush sauce. Try Sizzling Shrimp Scampi or Crisp Grüner Veltliner: Pairs with dishes that have lots of fresh herbs Salmon with Avocado Salad. Austrian Grüner Veltliner’s citrus-and-clover scent is lovely Cabernet Sauvignon: Is fabulous with juicy red meat when there are lots of fresh herbs in a dish. Other go-to grapes in California Cabernet, Bordeaux and Bordeaux-style blends are a similar style include Albariño from Spain and Vermentino from terrific with steaks or chops. The firm tannins, the astringent Italy. compounds in these red wines that help give the wine structure, Pinot Noir: Is great for dishes with earthy flavors refresh the palate after each bite of meat. Recipes made with ingredients like mushrooms and truffles Champagne: Is perfect with anything salty taste great with reds like Pinot Noir and Dolcetto, which are light- Most dry sparkling wines, such as brut Champagne and bodied but full of savory depth. Spanish cava, actually have a faint touch of sweetness. That Dry Rosé: For rich, cheesy dishes makes them extra-refreshing when served with salty foods. Some cheeses go better with white wine, some with red; yet Rosé Champagne: Is great with dinner, not just hors d’oeuvres almost all pair well with dry rosé, which has the acidity of white Rosé sparkling wines, such as rosé Champagne, cava and wine and the fruit character of red. This makes it the go-to wine sparkling wine from California, have the depth of flavor and when serving a wide range of hors d’oeuvres, from crudités to richness to go with a wide range of main courses. gougères. Off-Dry Riesling: Pairs with sweet & spicy dishes Sauvignon Blanc: Goes with tart dressings and sauces The slight sweetness of many Rieslings, Gewürztraminers and Tangy foods—like Scallops with Grapefruit-Onion Salad or Vouvrays helps tame the heat of spicy Asian and Indian dishes. Sour-Orange Yucatán Chicken—won’t overwhelm zippy wines In addition, when confronted with dishes like a fiery curried like Sauvignon Blanc, Vinho Verde from Portugal and Verdejo chicken or Thai stir-fry, wines that are low in alcohol keep the oils from Spain. The bright, citrusy acidity acts like a zap of lemon or that make food hot from being overly accentuated. lime juice to heighten flavors in everything from smoked sablefish Old World Wines: Are intrinsically good with Old World dishes to grilled salmon. The flavors of foods and wines that have grown up together Zinfandel: For pâtés, mousses and terrines over the centuries—Tuscan recipes and Tuscan wines, for If you can use the same adjectives to describe a wine and a instance—are almost always a natural fit. dish, the pairing will often work. For instance, the words rustic Moscato d’Asti: Loves fruit desserts and rich describe Zinfandel, Italy’s Nero d’Avola and Spain’s Moderately sweet sparkling wines such as Moscato d’Asti, Monastrell as well as Creamy Chicken-Liver Mousse. demi-sec Champagne and Asti Spumante help emphasize the Pinot Grigio: Pairs with light fish dishes fruit in the dessert, rather than the sugar.

6 • September 2010

u Nig o ht Ou y On t In P d ly $36 ittsb .00 pe urgh n r Fo r pers In r 5 Ho on* a o clude urs ? s FUL C f I Ba LY St r & Cl ocke f U ub Pa d *$36 ba sses A D sed on 1 0-14 pa a ssengers Three Great Cutural Trust Events

Concert Hall in Dublin and has sung for Irish President Mary he Pittsburgh Cultural Trust is proud to present Celtic McAlleese and Emperor Akihito of Japan. Paul recently produced Thunder, a group of six Irish and Scottish male vocalists a solo Christmas album. Tbacked by a superb orchestra. Celtic Thunder will perform George Donaldson is a self-taught and accomplished musician. powerful ballads, popular hits and heartwarming songs of love George plays guitar, flute, mandolin, bodhran, and banjo. George’s and loss at the Benedum Center on Wednesday, September 29, love of Celtic music stems from his childhood in Glasgow, where 2010, at 7:30 p.m. This performance is part of the 2010-2011 his main influence was his late father Bernard, who had a love Trust Presents series, sponsored by Cohen & Grigsby. and appreciation of all kinds of live music played from the heart. Celtic Thunder vocalists Irishmen Neil Byrne, most recent He has recorded folk sessions for BBC Scotland and made singer to join the group, Paul Byrom, Keith Harkin, Ryan Kelly and appearances at Glasgow’s own Celtic Connections and the Damian McGinty, and Scotsman George Donaldson are known for Glasgow West End Festival. their diverse musical styles and unique interpretations of classic Keith Harkin was born in County Derry, Ireland. From the age songs such as “Standing on the Corner, “Still Haven’t (Found of four, Keith has been wowing audiences with his beautiful voice What I’m Looking For),” “The Proclaimers,” “My Life Without You” and musical virtuosity. Keith is an accomplished songwriter and and “Hallejeuh” by Leonard Cohen. guitarist and has played at the Tavistock Festival, UK as well as The group’s repertoire spans the Celtic spectrum of both Irish performed as the opening act for John Martyn, The Undertons and Scottish, traditional and contemporary music. Prior to Byrne and David Kitt. joining Celtic Thunder, The New York Times described the group Ryan Kelly comes from The Moy in County Tyrone, Ireland. In as “a Fab Five peddling Celtic stylings…steadfast George, addition to his musical and acting career, Ryan holds a degree in sensitive Keith, bruising Paul, caddish Ryan and angelic Damian.” Accounting from Queen’s University, Belfast and a Graduate In 2009, Celtic Thunder achieved BILLBOARD’s Top World Music Diploma in Advanced Accounting. Ryan has been singing since Artist and Top World Imprint. the age of seven in various choirs and enjoys singing Irish Born into a musical family, Neil Byrne began learning the guitar Traditional and Folk Music. Ryan has performed with Westlife, and piano at age seven and by age 11, he was playing in his own Girls Aloud and Simply Red during the Children in Need Live band. Over the years, Neil’s performing and recording career Charity Concert. Other career highlights include winnder of the have allowed him to perform throughout Ireland and with one of SCOR competition (2007) and second place in the nationwide Ireland’s most renowned jazz bass players, Frank Hess. While BBC television music competition (2003). performing at a musical function in Ireland for Celtic Thunder Damian McGinty is currently the youngest member of the producer Phil Coulter, Neil was subsequently invited to record group, at 16 years old. He began singing at a young age in backing vocals for the group’s debut DVD, and subsequently play County Derry, Ireland and won his first music competition at the lead guitar player for the live show. Since then he has toured age of six. He has been involved with charity fundraising for his America and Canada extensively with Celtic Thunder and most school and has produced a charity CD that raised over $2,000. In recently has joined the group as 6th leading vocalist. 2006, Damian won a singing competition to record his own track Dublin-born Paul Byrom began voice study at the early age of which led him to an invitation to audition with Celtic Thunder seven with opera performance and vocal instructor Dr. Veronica producers and an invitation to join the group as a soloist. Dunne. By his teens, Paul was a professional singer and had Tickets ($32.25 - $72.25) for the Wednesday, September 29, recorded his first album. Paul has performed at the National 7:30 p.m. performance of Celtic Thunder at the Benedum Center may be purchased at the Box Office at Theater Square, 655 Penn Avenue, online at www.pgharts.org, or by calling (412) 456-6666. To purchase 10 or more tickets at special discounted rates, please call (412) 471-6930. The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust is a non-profit organization whose mission is the cultural and economic development of Pittsburgh’s 14-block Cultural District through public and private support. The Trust presents and encourages diverse performing and visual arts programs within the District, and is an impetus for additional development in downtown Pittsburgh. In addition to the Trust Presents series, The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust presents the PNC Broadway Across America- Pittsburgh series, Pittsburgh Dance Council, Pittsburgh International Children’s Theater and Children’s Festival, CD Live, JazzLive, First Night Pittsburgh, Gallery Crawl, and Three Rivers Arts Festival, among other Cultural District and arts events. The Trust owns Theater Square and the Cabaret at Theater Square; James E. Rohr Building about balancing family and life. “Nothing But A Song” speaks of & Arts Education Center; the Benedum Center for the Performing backstage tensions; “Dear Home Town” is about the things that get Arts; Byham, O’Reilly, and Harris Theaters; visual arts galleries: left behind, and “Follow Me Back” is a love note to those who have Wood Street Galleries, at 601 Wood Street; SPACE, at 812 supported them over the years. “Road to Ruin”, “Wandering Ways” Liberty Avenue and 937 Liberty: a multipurpose performance and and “Long Life” describe experiences on the road. “Their music is exhibit space, among other downtown arts facilities. unique, their instrumentation is flawless, and their voices are all tremendous” (Richmond Times-Dispatch).” Great Big Sea Great Big Sea is Alan Doyle (vocals, acoustic and electric September 23, 2010, at 8:00 p.m. guitars, bouzouki), Bob Hallett (vocals, button accordion, banjo, Byham Theater, 101 Sixth Street bouzouki, fiddle, harmonica, whistles), Sean McCann (vocals, Great Big Sea returns to Pittsburgh’s Byham Theater for one acoustic guitar, banjo, bodran, shakers, tin whistle), Murray Foster performance only on September 23, 2010 at 8:00 p.m. This (bass, vocals) and Kris MacFarlane (drums, guitar, percussion, performance is part of the Trust Presents series sponsored by piano accordion, vocals). Born and raised in the “far east of the Cohen & Grigsby. Newfoundland band Great Big Sea fuses the western world,” the lads have traversed the globe, all the while energy and spirit of its Celtic roots with straight on rock and roll. wearing their hometown on their sleeves. “Our music is of Renowned for its rousing, synergistic live shows, Great Big Sea Newfoundland,” explains McCann. “It would be impossible to do has been playing together for 17 years. “Great Big Sea are a what we do if we were from anywhere else. Our songs come from high spirited and richly expressive acoustic quartet who reinvent the sea and the cliffs and the rocks and all the other natural traditional Newfoundland music, lending it a powerful and beauties our country provides. Without her we simply couldn’t resonant contemporary charge” (Time Out, UK). exist.” Their current tour is in support of the band’s tenth release Many of their albums – including Up, Sea of No Cares, Turn, (July 2010) Safe Upon the Shore— a compilation of ideas and Play, Something Beautiful and The Hard and the Easy – are recording sessions that took place over six months on tour, in certified gold or platinum in Canada and have cumulatively sold Newfoundland and New Orleans and co-written with various over one million copies there. The Hard and the Easy was artists. “At this stage, we sometimes all kind of know each nominated for a 2006 Juno award (Canada’s equivalent to a others ideas too well,” explains GBS multi-instrumentalist and Grammy), following multiple past Juno nominations for the band. singer Bob Hallett. “It’s too easy to do the obvious. Writing with Renowned for their live show, Great Big Sea make an a big group of people pushed everything into different explosively joyful noise that is bright and melodic, passionate and directions.” The album debuted at #2 on the Canadian top 100 heartfelt” (Washington Post). Billboard charts and #4 on the US Billboard Heatseekers chart Tickets ($32.75 and $37.75) may be purchased at the Box Office (#159 overall). This career highlight was the biggest GBS debut at Theater Square (655 Penn Avenue), online at www.pgharts.org, since Sea of No Cares debuted at #1 in 2002. Safe Upon the or by calling (412) 456-6666. To purchase 10 or more tickets at Shore describes the band’s inspirations, as well as concerns special discounted rates, please call (412) 471-6930. WORLD OF JEWTOPIA Raucous! Certain to hit home with all observers, whatever their Saturday, September 25, at 8:30 p.m. & religion! (Variety).” Sunday, September 26, at 2:00 p.m. WORLD OF JEWTOPIA is about a man named Chris O’Connell, a self-loathing gentile, who says he wants to marry a Jewish girl Byham Theater, 101 Sixth Street so he will never have to make another decision for the rest of his The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust is proud to present WORLD OF life. His childhood friend, Adam Lipschitz, offers to guide him JEWTOPIA, an off-Broadway comedy that has left audiences through the process and hilarity ensues. Among the many topics laughing in stitches from coast to coast, on Saturday, September covered will be: how to pick the perfect restaurant table (because 25, at 8:30 p.m. and Sunday, September 26, at 2:00 p.m., at the no table is right if you’re a Jew), how to properly disinfect your Byham Theater. The New York Times praises, “Unstoppable! One hotel room to avoid catching the plague when on vacation, and of the most successful productions of the last decade!” The Los excerpts from Moses’ recently undiscovered diaries (Dear Diary: Angeles Times calls it “Outrageously Funny!” and “A raucous, Um it’s been like 5 years and I got to be honest, I AM LOST!). merciless skewering of contemporary Jewish foibles, neuroses “Such a premise!...This show has edgy, late night attitude. and stereotypes!” This performance of World of Jewtopia is part Jewtopia is a show that appeals to all ages – what’s not to like? of the 2010-2011 Trust Presents series, sponsored by Cohen & (New York Newsday).” Grigsby. Tickets ($28.25 - $43.25) for the Saturday, September 25, 8:30 Bryan Fogel, creator and star of New York’s longest running p.m. & Sunday, September 26, 2:00 p.m. performances of WORLD Off-Broadway comedy, JEWTOPIA, presents his comedic OF JEWTOPIA at the Byham Theater may be purchased at the extravaganza WORLD OF JEWTOPIA. The 90-minute one act Box Office at Theater Square, 655 Penn Avenue, online at show includes highlights scenes from the smash stage production, www.pgharts.org, or by calling (412) 456-6666. To purchase 10 or stand-up comedy, excerpts from the bestselling book, JEWTOPIA: more tickets at special discounted rates, please call (412) 471- The Chosen Book for the Chosen People and a dazzling 6930. multimedia presentation. WORLD OF JEWTOPIA stars Bryan Fogel, the show’s creator, and Jeremy Rishe. “Entertaining! Wild!

10 • September 2010 Health and Wellness Neuroscience researcher tells women: Get your men proactive at the first hint of memory problems! By Mark Underwood

ental exercise, proper diet, and supplements can help Adopt a brain-healthy diet: Research suggests that high maintain brain fitness and quality of life cholesterol may contribute to stroke and brain cell damage. A M low fat, low cholesterol diet is advisable. There is growing evidence that a diet rich in dark vegetables and fruits, which Men as a group seem to have a reputation for not being quick contain antioxidants, may help protect brain cells. to seek out medical opinions or treatment for their Remain socially active: Social activity not only makes illnesses, injuries, aches and pains. physical and mental activity more enjoyable, it can reduce stress levels, which helps That reluctance to seek maintain healthy connections among assistance is especially true brain cells. in the area of declining Stay mentally active: Mentally "brain fitness," where, stimulating activities strengthen typically years before their brain cells and the connections female counterparts, men between them, and may even begin to experience a create new nerve cells. declining ability to recall Lower brain calcium with a specific events, have difficulty dietary supplement: Too much focusing on tasks, or find calcium in a neuron can impair its themselves struggling to find function. Studies on adults who the right words to use in regulated their brain's calcium with a "calcium- everyday conversations. binding protein" called Prevagen (www.prevagen.com) showed the supplement "According to research, men have a much greater produced less forgetfulness, better word recall, less chance than women of suffering from mild cognitive need for reminders, and improved overall memory. impairment in old age," says neuroscience researcher Mark Underwood. "Women should be alert to More about the Author: the early warning signs of cognitive decline Mark Underwood is a neuroscience researcher and and be ready to take some proactive steps co-founder and president of Quincy Bioscience in to help the guys maintain both brain fitness Madison, Wisconsin. Mark is responsible for and good quality of life." researching the "calcium binding protein" found in jellyfish and developing it for use as a calcium Here are some proactive suggestions regulator in the human nervous system. He is the Underwood says can be effective in author of the book "Gift from the Sea." maintaining brain fitness and reversing some of the symptoms of age-related cognitive impairment: Stay physically active: Physical exercise is essential for maintaining good blood flow to the brain as well as to encourage growth of new brain cells. It also can significantly reduce the risk of heart attack, stroke and diabetes, and thereby protect against those risk factors for Alzheimer's and other dementias.

September 2010 • 11 THETHE VVILLAGEILLAGE TAVERNTATAAVVERN & TRATTORIATRAATTTORIA REVIEWREVIEW BYBY SSUZSUUZ PPISANOISANO PHOTOGRAPHYPPHOHOTOGRAPHYOGRAPHY BBYY RYANRRYYYANANAN CCHERRYHERRY

It seems like foreverr that the West End has beenn going delicious. It was great paired with a glass of wine! The throughh h renovation.. Finallyll we hhave a straighth shoth Villagell Tavernn & Trattoria offersff wine byb theh glassl andd through the former circle and into the developmdevelopmentment of the opportunityty to BYOB for a corking fee.. They look the West End Village.Villagge. What a perfect spot for a new forward to prepresentingesenting a wine list, which is always being restaurant, The VillageVillaage Tavern & Trattoria. EverEveryoneryone UH¿QHG7KH7UH¿QHG7KH7UDWWRULDRSHQHGVKRUWO\DIWHUWKH7DYHUQ 7UDWWRULDRSHQHGVKRUWO\DIWH    HUWKH7DYHUQ   that I mention this restaurantr to has heard of it!! There’s and has been an instant success. GH¿QLWHO\DEX]]«1RZOHWPHWHOO\RXZK\GH¿QLWHO\DEX]]«1  1RZOHWPHWHOO\RXZK\     Among some of the itemsms we sampled, Stuffed Banana Pepperss ($4.99), Insalata Spinachip (1/2/ forf $8.99 & “The“TThhe VillageVillage TavernTaTavern & TrattoriaTTrratttooria iiss a full for $10.99) served with warn relaxedrelaxed diningdining aatmosphere.tmosspphere. YYoYou’llou’’lll ffefeeleel iitt bacon dressing and the portions are large enough to share! This was the immediatelyimmediatteely wwithitthh tththehe oopopenpen aairir sstyletyle ddiningining best spinach salad- artfullyartffully presented with goat cheese and pinepiine nuts atop createdcreatteed byby giantgiant rrolloll uupp gglasslass ddoors."oors." fresh spinach. The Trattoriattoria twist ZRXOGEHWKHÀDVKIULHGSURVFLXWWRZRXOGEHWKHÀDVKIULHG    GSURVFLXWWR and sun dried tomatoes-tomatoess- something We were greeted by the friendly server, Ariana, whow different addeded to an old favorite. The StuStuffeduffed Banana suggested a glass of wine and some fantastic taptapenadepenade Peppers madee my mouth water and remindednded me what - Kalamata Olive SpreadSppread ($3.99) served with toatoastedasted good Italian foodood was supposed to be all ababout!bout! Other baguettes. I often makem this "Italian Caviar" at home,h offerings to gegetet your meal started include- Roasted Fresh I’m a pretty tough criticcrritic on things I make and loloveove Garlic ($3.50),), Zucchini ($5.99), Beans & Greens ($6.99) but compared to minemine this tapenade was even mmore served with orr without sausage and Calamarimari Fritti

12 • September 2010 ($8.99). All of the menu choices are appealing so its hard to decide on just one – take a group so that you can try a bunch. So many of the choices are just like things I make in my own kitchen, I love to try other versions and can’t wait to go back to do just that.

9LOODJH7DYHUQ 7UDWWRULDDOVRVHUYHV3L]]D RIIHUVD GDLO\SL]]DIHDWXUHDQGZKRGRHVQ WORYHSL]]D",EHOLHYH WKHSL]]DDQGSDVWDGLVKHVDUHZKDW¶VJDUQHULQJWKH EX]]:HWULHG6SDJKHWWLQL%RORJQHVH IXOO $18.50), Fettuccini Prosciutto (1/2 $11.50 & full $17.50) and Rigatoni Tomato Cream (1/2 10.50 & full $16.50). (DFKRQHZDVGHOHFWDEO\GHOLFLRXVOHWPHHODERUDWH«« Spaghettini Bolognese is a rich meat sauce with sliced mushrooms, fresh basil and Parmigiano. This is a classic and sure to be a favorite if you’re looking for a meat sauce. I was hoping for some of this leftover but it was so good we ate every bite! The last pasta we tried was GH¿QLWHO\DPXVWKDYHDJDLQWKH)HWWXFFLQL3URVFLXWWR

Served with Prosciutto, mushrooms, Roma tomato cream & Cognac was equally as delicious and beautifully presented.

The Village Tavern & Trattoria is a relaxed dining atmosphere. You’ll feel it immediately with the open air style dining created by giant roll up glass doors. When we visited, there was a family birthday party, I was so touched when they began singing Happy Birthday in Italian!

Village Tavern & Trattoria has banquet facilities and even an outdoor patio available for private events. They look forward to steady growth and the addition of nightly Steak & Seafood offerings. Soon you can experience a full dinner menu which will include Lasagna & Chicken Parmiagiana. So many fantasitc things in one place with the expectation of even better things to come, I can’t wait to be a regular! Check them out online- www. villagetavernandtrattoria.com

The owners, Rob and Ray, look forward to welcoming \RX%HVXUHWRWHOOWKHP1LJKWZLUHVHQW\RX

Village Tavern & Trattoria is located at 424 South Main Street in the West End Village. 412.458.0417 Parking is plentiful. Plan you visit now!

September 2010 • 13 ightwire is very excited about the opening of the new budget. We are so excited that there is finally a great Consol Energy Center and with everyone’s focus on the bar/restaurant with affordable prices near our new arena. We Nnew arena, we wanted to make sure you were aware of have personally longed for someplace near the arena that we the newest and hottest bar/restaurant just up the street. It’s could grab a quick bite to eat and drink before going to an Tailgaters located on the ground floor of Washington Plaza, event and not spend a ton of money. that giant white building with the big red “W” on it right above What a great name for this new place....Tailgaters - you’ll the new Consol Energy Center. want to make it your tailgating place or even your tailgating If you are looking for a great place to eat and drink before or “happy hour” place or your any day place.. Tailgaters definitely after an event at the Consol Energy Center, look no the place to be!! Great prices, great food, great beers, great further....you definitely have to give Tailgaters a try! Tailgaters place to go for all your sporty events!! has delicious homemade extremely reasonably priced food This month’s specials are 20 oz Labatt Blue $3.00 during all and drinks. Their staff is extremely friendly, they will make you Pens games, Steeler games all day, 16 oz Miller Lite $2.00 & feel at home and accommodate your particular taste. Their Miller Lite Pitchers and Wings $10.99. Monday thru Fridays food is truly outstanding. Love, love the Nacho’s Grande 9pm – 11pm: Mon - $2.00 Domestic bottles: Tues – ½ price ($7.95) and the best wings in the city (6 for $5.95) (12 for appetizers: Wed – Mexican Night - $3.00 Margaritas, Buckets $9.95) (18 for $13.95). They offer starters ($3.95 to $6.95), of Corona $10.00: Thurs - $2.00 Domestic drafts: Fri - $3.00 salads ($4.95 to $10.95), wraps ($6.95), sandwiches & burgers Strong Islands: Saturday – College Football – 16 oz Yuengling ($6.95 to $7.95) and amazingly delicious grilled homemade - $2.00 and Yuengling & Wings $10.99. Sunday NFL Ticket – pizzas ($7.99 to $9.99)! watch all your games here! Their outdoor undercover patio is a great place to relax and Win Lady Gaga Tickets.. Drink Miller Lite at Tailgaters and grab a bite either before or after an event. Tailgaters has daily get a chance to win a pair of Lady Gaga Tickets to this sold specials and during special events at the Energy Center they out show! Stop in now and until the day of the concert! will have beer girls outside to serve you beers at amazing Winner will be drawn on Sunday, September 5 the day of the prices. So, why pay more.. we say get more.... for less at concert! Tailgaters!! On tap they have always have Miller Lite Yuengling and Blue Moon and for September their feature beers on tap are Where Can I Get It? Smuttynose, Sam Adams Octoberfest and Big Hop. Open daily Monday through Sunday 11:30am to 2am for lunch and dinner, Plus Tailgaters just recently added a new craft brew cooler kitchen open until 11pm weekdays and midnight on weekends. where they now stock over 40 craft and micro brew beers. FREE Valet parking available at Washington Plaza while at Tailgaters!! Located They definitely have something for everyone and again, I can’t at 1420 Centre Avenue – Washington Plaza – 412.745.8245 stress enough that their prices are designed to fit within your

14 • September 2010 Randy Travis

The Seneca Casinos’ Events Centers

he Seneca Niagara and Seneca Allegany Events Centers the month at the Bear’s Den with a special start time of 7 p.m. on will be busy during the month of September with comedy Sunday, September 26 is Hiroshima, a band that blends jazz, Tand country music. Montgomery Gentry, Howie Mandel, pop and rock with traditional Japanese folk music and Randy Travis, and Brad Garrett are slated for the Seneca instruments. Casinos’ entertainment lineup next month. In addition, the Bear’s Seneca Gaming Corporation operates Seneca Niagara Casino Den Showroom will offer four eclectic acts in September. & Hotel in Niagara Falls, N.Y., Seneca Allegany Casino & Hotel in The Seneca Niagara Events Center in Niagara Falls, N.Y. and the Salamanca, N.Y., Seneca Buffalo Creek Casino in Buffalo, N.Y. Seneca Allegany Events Center in Salamanca, N.Y. each seat up and Seneca Hickory Stick Golf Course in Lewiston, N.Y. on to 2,400 patrons, while the Bear’s Den Showroom at the Seneca behalf of the Seneca Nation of Indians. Since opening Seneca Niagara Casino & Hotel provides a more intimate venue with 475 Niagara Casino in 2002, Seneca Gaming Corporation has grown seats. to become one of the largest private employers in Western New The Seneca Niagara Events Center kicks off the month with York. For more information, visit country duo sensation Montgomery Gentry taking the stage on www.senecagamingcorporation.com. Saturday, September 4 at 8 p.m. Comedian Brad Garrett of Everybody Loves Raymond fame comes to the Events Center on Friday, September 24 at 8 p.m. September 18 brings the smooth vocals and unforgettable compositions of Hollywood Walk of Fame country star Randy Travis, who performs at 7 p.m. Four very different acts will fill the Bear’s Den Showroom in September, What’s Happening? starting with the electronic and A listing of pertinent information for all September events is as follows: percussion sounds of the Rhythm Devils – led by Bill Kreutzmann and Event Date Time Venue Tickets Montgomery Gentry Sept. 4 8 p.m. SNC Events Center Starting at $45 Mickey Hart of The Grateful Dead – on Rhythm Devils Sept. 10 8 p.m. SNC Bear’s Den Starting at $55 Friday, September 10 at 8 p.m. The The Atlanta Rhythm Section Sept. 11 8 p.m. SNC Bear’s Den Starting at $40 “rhythm” continues the following night Randy Travis Sept. 18 7 p.m. SAC Events Center Starting at $45 with Southern rockers The Atlanta Bobby Rydell Sept. 18 8 p.m. SNC Bear’s Den Starting at $55 Rhythm Section performing on Friday, Brad Garrett Sept. 24 8 p.m. SNC Events Center Starting at $35 September 11 at 8 p.m. Hiroshima Sept. 26 7 p.m. SNC Bear’s Den Starting at $35 Legendary crooner Bobby Rydell, Goo Goo Dolls Oct. 30 7 p.m. SNC Events Center Starting at $65 teen idol heart-throb of the 1960s and Tickets are available at all Seneca Casino box offices, Ticketmaster.com, all Ticketmaster current star of the musical The Golden locations, or by phone at 716-852-5000 (USA) or 416-870-8000 (Canada). Boys, performs on Saturday, September 18 at 8 p.m. Closing out

September 2010 • 15 country, jazz, and folk, with a healthy dose of psychedelia. He delivers heart- wrenching vocals as possesses an ever- present desire to explore new musical terrain with his fellow musicians. Jeff is also a strong original songwriter and his work is prominently featured on five albums, including several pieces co- written with band mate Donna Jean. He is a co-writer of “Leave Me Out of This,” a track on Phil Lesh and Friends Sony CD, "There and Back Again." Dark Star Orchestras shows are built off the extensive catalog of the Grateful Dead. On any given night the band will perform a show based on a set list from the Grateful Dead's 30 years of extensive touring or use the catalog of original songs and often played covers to create a unique set list for the show. This allows music fans both young and old to share in the experience. Grateful Dead classics are performed in the same way that an New Light Dark Star Orchestra orchestra interprets music of classical Photos and article by Trish Imbrogno composers. The composer’s spirit is derived and channeled as the players New “Jerry” Takes the Lead. When you’re the lead capture the excitement and innovation of the original singer for the Nation’s most renowned Grateful Dead performances and compositions. Touring nationwide to the A“cover” band, what’s your next career move? You’ve tune of over 1800 shows since forming, the band's determined already been touring nearly 200 nights each year for over ten commitment to "raising the Dead" has drawn national media years, traveling from coast to coast, and recreating – attention. sometimes better than the original – Grateful Dead shows "For us it's a chance to recreate some of the magic that verbatim. What possibly could top that? was created for us over the years," DSO guitarist and vocalist, How about being asked to be a part of the band Further Rob Eaton explains. "We offer a sort of a historical perspective with original members of the Grateful Dead? at what it might have been like to go to a show in 1985, 1978 That’s exactly what happened to Dark Star Orchestra’s or whenever. Even for Deadheads who can say they've been (DSO) original “Jerry,” John Kadlecik. When Bob Weir and Phil to a hundred shows in the 90s we offer something they never Lesh of the Grateful Dead took the road this past winter, they got to see live." asked John to step in as their Jerry Garcia, a role John has In November of 1998, on the eve of DSO’s first anniversary, been familiar with for years. While DSO was sad to see him Mike Gordon and Jon Fishman of Phish joined DSO at a club go, there was no way that they could ask him to turn down an after their own show. Fishman sat in for the majority of the offer of that magnitude. evening, which included a rollicking drum section with four With a busy tour schedule already secured, DSO was left percussionists. The ensuing buzz caused national interest in having to find another person who could embody Jerry as well the band. as John had done for more than 10 years. They had a few They have grown continually since their inception, playing at guests join them, but when they shared the stage with Jeff increasingly larger venues and theaters – often for consecutive Mattson at lead, their new Jerry was born. night runs in a single city – and collaborating with guests John has always reminded me of a young Jerry Garcia, and including Grateful Dead alumni Bob Weir, Bill Kreutzmann, I wasn’t quite sure what to think coming into the first show Donna Jean Godchaux-Mackay, Vince Welnick, and Tom with Jeff in the role. After the Scarlet Begonias  Fire on the Constanten. Mountain opener at All Good Music Festival in July, I knew a It's really about the sound that’s created. It's about a sense new era had begun for DSO. of familiarity. It's about a feeling that grabs listeners and takes Jeff Mattson isn’t new to the music of the Grateful Dead. A over. It's about a contagious energy: it's about the experience. founding member of the jam band Zen Tricksters, Jeff is also The Grateful Dead’s music is brought to life in Pittsburgh as the guitarist in the Donna Jean Godchaux Band with Jeff Dark Star Orchestra keeps Truckin’. DSO brings Jeff Mattson Mattson, which features the Grateful Dead’s Donna Jean to town for the first time on Wednesday, September 22, at Godchaux. Jeff has also performed with Grateful Dead bassist 8:00 PM at the Carnegie Music Hall of Homestead. For more Phil Lesh in his ensemble Phil Lesh and Friends. information about DSO visit www.darkstarorchestra.com. Jeff, a veteran of 30 years on the road, is a guitar player Additionally, learn more about the show or purchase tickets whose playing ranges from rock & roll to blues, bluegrass, online at www.greyareaprod.com.

16 • September 2010

Rock United by:Trish Imbrogino

ock United, founded by 2001 by Johnny Saint Lethal, Jewish Girls Gone Bad, the Fat Bottomed Girls Burlesque has grown into a show in the Pittsburgh underground Review, Chicken John's Circus Ridiculous, Wolgemut, Jazz Rthat is known for its integrity, good times, and most Mandolin Project, the Bindlestiff Family Roadshow, The Bull importantly, the music. Now in its eighth year, Rock United Seal! Collective, SEEMEN, the Flaming Lotus Girls and Heavy showcases some of Pittsburgh newest bands, and performers Pedal Cyclecide. from past Rock United events have gone on to captivate the When asked about Rock United, founder Johnny Saint city. Lethal replied, “Over the years, Rock United stood for anything Rock United had its humble beginnings in Bridgeville’s Pops from uniting with music after September 11, to ‘Saving Our Edwards (which eventually became the Rhythm House) and Scene’. The year we strive to find the most talented unknowns included a mere three bands. Following Rock United events of Pittsburgh in the spirit of Hilly at CBGBs and put them grew to venues including Club Laga in Oakland and eventually together on one stage for one day!” The Rex on Pittsburgh’s Southside; and Rock United 8 In addition to the music and art at Rock United, the event boasted an impressive twelve bands with an additional “stage” ties together and promotes many local Pittsburgh businesses of spoken word and poetry between sets. that in turn support their efforts. This year Rock United Rock United 8 kicked off at 2:00 in the afternoon and lasted supported Guitar Gallery, Dave’s Music Mine and Eide’s long into the night. Including an array of genres from rock to Entertainment, Jerry’s Records, Head Board, Jester’s Court, punk to reggae, the 2010 event featured Bellikose, The Guest Dormont Fresh Food, Dewalt’s Heath, Grotto Pizza, O’Leary’s, List, Common Wealth Family, Revelation Lost, Purple Zombie Moonstones, St. Vincent DePaul Thrift Store, Pittsburgh Lobsters, FunkZylla, Shake’s House, Tobacco Road, The Antique Mall and Heidleburg Antique Mall, and they hope Show, The Neffs, Seraph’s Falling, Less Like Flesh. Featured you’ll do the same! visual artist SIKES! shared works with an unusual dark theme Rock United is a huge event, and couldn’t have happened highlighted by bright colors and a comic book feel, and Karen without a staff of hardworking individuals. Credit for the Vestal, featured poet for Rock United 8, not only enlightened success of this day of music and art goes to Grey Area concertgoers to her emotion but opened the stage for others Productions, sound venue support, and venue staffing; Johnny to share their spoken word. Saint Lethal, founder, promoter, talent; Brandon Mitchell, co- A “secret guest” musician graced The Rex’s stage at this founder, talent manager; Daniel Grass, venue and artist year’s Rock United. With concertgoers only knowing that they relations; Cullen, schedule, equipment manager. were to see the guest between 7:00 and 10:30 PM, they Keep your eyes peeled for the announcement of Rock waited with eager enthusiasm, like children at Christmas. United 9 in 2011. Become their friend on Myspace to stay up- Much to everyone’s surprise, and possibly one of the greatest to-date with all news – www.myspace.com/rockunited highlights of Rock United 8, it was Pittsburgh music veteran Phat Man Dee! Phat Man Dee has a voice and a stage presence that rings clear as a bell. Her soulful delivery and heart ripping phrasing make the story of the song come through her body like a Where Is Rock United mountain rising to meet the sea. She is as comfortable floating Rock United 8 Invades the Rex in the air singing to the swells as she is through a megaphone Become their friend on Myspace to stay up-to-date with all news – in the Mermaid Parade or the Ides of March March. She has ww.myspace.com/rockunited toured and appeared with The Madagascar Institute of Brooklyn, NY, Candye Kane, the Goddess Perlman's Nice

18 • September 2010 Kottonmouth Kings by:Trish Imbrogino

t is the dawn of a new era in the Kottonmouth Kingdom and legalization and have recorded two new stoner anthems in on April 20th, 2010, the Kottonmouth Kings unleashed their “Reefer Madness” and “Let’s Do Drugs”. Iepic eleventh studio album “Long Live The Kings.” For the After over a decade of being proudly independent, release of this epic recording, the Kottonmouth Kings have Kottonmouth Kings brought in two veterans of the underground to reinvented themselves yet again by adding the Dirtball, who joins usher in the new era. Kansas City’s Tech N9ne brings the ruckus the fold as a full-time member. on “Party Monster”, while Detroit’s psychotic duo, Insane Clown Powered by the machine gun attack of his motor-mouth, Posse, raise their middle fingers in “Fuck The Police”. Dirtball injects the group with a new found firepower that takes For “Long Live The Kings” the group has also written their 21 the group’s sound into uncharted territories. Previously a solo gun salute to our brothers and sisters in the Armed Forces with artist who recorded for Suburban Noize Records, Dirtball’s ability the track “American Made”. The track proudly acknowledges the to snap off raps with jaw dropping results has forced critics to hardships that or brothers and sisters in the military endure in think twice about the capabilities of white rappers. PopMatters defense of our country. All proceeds from the song will be Magazine proclaimed Dirtball’s “rapid-fire rhymes and an ear for donated to Ward 57, to benefit the soldiers who have been injured catchy choruses distinguish the rapper’s style, which at times defending our country in battle. sounds something like a sharper-edged Big Boi.” Founded in 1995, the Kottonmouth Kings have survived and “This is most definitely a huge step for me in the rap path,” dominated the scene for over 15 years. The group continues to commented the Dirtball about his addition to the group. “I have defy all odds as one of the music industry’s biggest underdogs, been grinding for a long time in the national underground tunnels, this band of California based hell raisers have built an empire out and I would have never thought of this move. I am thoroughly of their lifestyle movement that extends past the music and into honored to be joining such a strong force as the Kottonmouth clothing, television and extreme sports. The group’s label, Kings. I am looking forward to having a good time with this, as we Suburban Noize Records, has become one of the hottest pound our way further toward the top. ” independent label’s in the business with a series of powerful “Adding Dirtball to the group was a natural fit for the group and releases from La Coka Nostra, Unwritten Law, Big B, and rap- where we wanted to take our sound in the future,” commented rock pioneers (Hed)pe. Brad X. “We’ve done so many tours together that he was already With the addition of the Dirtball, the Kottonmouth Kings have part of the family. We all felt like we needed to redefine the begun writing the next chapter in the group’s unfolding story. Kottonmouth Kings and Dirtball helped us take things to the next “Long Live The Kings” is a true testament to how innovative and level. Dirtball is one of the most underrated emcees in the game, creative the Kottonmouth Kings sound has become. From mind as he has unlimited range. He can write songs, play drums and bending hip-hop, thrashy punk-rock, and melodic acoustics the rhyme with the most complicated of cadences of any artist. I Kings music has no boundaries and continues to smash all really think the songs on the record speak for themselves and stereotypes. Dirtball played a large role in that evolution.” Catch the Kottonmouth Kings in Pittsburgh this month – The Kings spent 8 months in the studio producing over 45 Thursday, September 16, at Club Zoo in the Strip. They’ll be songs to create the next chapter in the ongoing legacy of the joined by special guests Blaze Ya Dead Homie and Big B Tickets Kottonmouth Kings. The end result is the next dimension in the for this all-ages show are $20 in advance and $25 day of show. group’s ongoing reign as kings of the underground. “Long Live For more information or to order tickets visit The Kings” kicks into high gear propelled by the bounce of the www.druskyentertainment.com. Also, check out the Kottonmouth album’s lead single “Stomp”, while “Rampage” runs some sonic Kings at www.kottonmouthkings.com. destruction with the Kings’ trademark rip-hop sound. As always, the Kottonmouth Kings are on the frontlines in the fight for

September 2010 • 19 KISS Photos by Todd Brunozzi

20 • September 2010 September 2010 • 21 Back To School Humor BY NIGHTWIRE Which Way Home? Several years ago while teaching a challenging underachiever class in geography, I became very exasperated trying to get the students to develop some awareness of their immediate environment. I purposed that each student write a sketch of their school and then draw a map of their county. After drawing the map, they were to write a short paragraph giving directions from the school to their home. One student failed repeatedly, even after my many interventions, to figure out how to write the directions to his house. I finally asked the student, with a bit of disbelief, "How do you get home after school?" The student looked at me with the straightest of faces and with a slight twinkle in his eye, the result of finally knowing the proper answer, and said, "I ride a bus!" Enough said! Where was I to go from there? Nice Pants My school uses a character program called Great Expectations. One of my responsibilities was to greet each of my fourth grade students at the door each morning. Last fall, as I was getting ready for work I selected a pantsuit that had a "jungle" type print on the pants. As I greeted my class that morning, Chris greeted me with a big smile and said, "NICE pants Ms,Plum!" His tone was one of friendly sarcasm. When we got into the class I wanted to use this as a great example of sarcasm, so I asked Chris to repeat to the class exactly what he said and be sure to use the same tone of voice. He willingly complied. Of course, the class couldn't believe he had told me that! One of the girls was frantically waving her hand and saying, "Ms. Plum! Ms. Plum!" I called on her and she anxiously reassured me that, "Ms. Plum, I like your pajamas!" Her well-meant "compliment" caused me a moment of uncontrollable laughter as well as the rest of the class. After composing myself and the class, I told the class, "That's it! We are NOT going on the safari now! We will have to stay at school at work!" (Of course, as fourth graders, they said later, "Ms. Plum, were we really going on a safari today??" I switched to 6th grade midway through the year and when we had the word compliment as the word of the week, I used this story to illustrate the difference between sarcasm and genuine compliments. They laughed at the story and understood the intent! Shelley Bristow, OK The Rest of the Story During my first of teaching Hutterite children in southern Manitoba, Canada, I discussed the marriage of Samuel de Champlain. Now, it is important to know that Hutterites are a religious group who do not believe in radio or television. I explained that when Champlain was in 42 (I believe that was the age) he married his bride. Ten years later, when she was 22, she came to live in Canada for a while. When I asked the students studying this topic how old she was when they got married, one of the students said that the answer was 22. I asked this 12 year old girl to look closely at the wording of her notes. She went absolutely white when she realize that a 42 year old man married a 12 year old girl. The only other student taking this class was a 13 year old boy who promptly said in

22 • September 2010 his best Paul Harvey voice "....and now you know...... the rest she was involved in some repair work in the boys restroom of the story" just as the bell rang to let the children into the building. She thought she would have time to complete her work before the Open Wide... little boys needed to use the restroom. Much to her surprise, On the morning announcements, a first grader announced, the little boys entered the restroom and began using the "Please get ready for a moment of silence and medication." facilities as though she was not even there. One little boy finally noticed her and exclaimed," Hey, there's a lady in here!" You Found it Where? The little boy standing next to her calmly replied," It's ok, she's I teach 8th grade U.S. history. I constantly remind my students blind." that accurate spelling is very important in social studies. Despite this, during our unit on colonization I cannot describe Second Grade Biology how many settlers were seeking religious freedom in William As a second grade teacher in Sunnyvale, California, I am Penn's colon!!! fortunate to have lovely weather and to have my school near the monarch butterfly migrating path. We have a garden of Job Opportunity milkweed to attract these lovely butterflies. This year we were I was teaching a 2nd grade class in career education and had able to actually see a butterfly lay eggs on a leaf and brought the students drawing pictures of themselves as adults. I put it into the classroom to watch the entire cycle of "When I grow up, I want to be..." on the board and asked the metamorphosis take place. One of my second language students to come to me for any other spelling they needed as students was very excited to tell our new fourth grade male they completed their pictures. Caitlin came up to me and teacher that this teacher could come to our classroom and asked how to spell " princess." After a number of other watch the butterflies go through menopause. students asked for help, Caitlin was back for "whales." Since I - Terry Yordan, Sunnyvale, California had told the students they could draw any number of future jobs, I suspected nothing. That is, until Caitlin appeared with Would you Believe...? her elaborate drawing of a young lady in long gown and crown It was my first year of teaching, and I was blessed to teach 8th on a bluff by the ocean directing whales to do her bidding. You grade Language Arts. They had to do an autobiography of guessed it--it was labeled--When I grow up, I want to be "The themselves. One male student did not turn his in till almost Princess of Whales." two weeks later. This is what he wrote: The biggest moment of Continued Next page What Color? I am a preschool teacher of 3 to 5 year old children. I was doing a science experiment with worms to start a worm farm in our class. As I was putting on rubber gloves( Like doctors and dentists wear) I asked the children in the circle "Who wears rubber gloves?" expecting the answer "doctors." One child raised his hand and said "My Mom does when she changes her hair color." Glands I am a Home Economics Teacher. We were having a class discussion on reasons why people become overweight. One reason I told them about was an underactive thyroid. A very serious young lady raised her hand and wanted to know if having an underactive thyroid was the cause of her large ...thighs. Need I say more. Cops & Robbers Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture!" Blind Custodian Our district recently hired a female custodian for our elementary school. The day before she started work in our building, she had accidentally broken her glasses and had to wear her perscription sunglasses to work. As the day began,

September 2010 • 23 Back To School Humor BY NIGHTWIRE my life was when I got my period for the very first time. dramatic decline. Maybe next time this gentleman will read the report before 7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls "borrowing" it for a grade. people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long. World History 8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of The History Of The World According To Actual Grade School Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they Student Exam Papers: thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote out: 'Tee hee, Brutus' in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled 9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man inhabitants have to live elsewhere. should be hanged twice for the same offense. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they 10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through made unleavened bread which is bread made without any an apple while standing on his sons head. ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she ten commandments. He died before he ever reached was a great success. When she exposed herself before her Canada. troops they all shouted, "hurrah," 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred 12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. porcupines. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented A Myth is a female moth. cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake 5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. man of that name. 13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William 6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an his birthday. He never made much money and is famous overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,

24 • September 2010 and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of was to be laid by Juliet. the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author the work of a hundred men. was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife 19.Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin died and he wrote Paradise Regained. was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. 15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their one of the Mark Brothers. parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. What, Again! Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented Mom had spent weeks getting five-year-old Allison ready for congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin the opening of Kindergarten. Shy and apprehensive, Allison were two singers of the declaration of independence. had toured the school with Mom, met the smiling kindergarten Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats teacher, been to the school media center where she "helped" backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself Mom plan for her duties as room mother. At home, Mom and cannot stand' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Allison had set out a brand new dress, shoes and socks, name labeled the book bag, and practiced walking down the 16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions driveway to the bus stop. After all this, Allison was still very and had a large number of children. In between he unsure about leaving home and Mom to get on the bus for practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. school. Bottom lip quivering, she boarded the bus while Mom Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most waved and smiled. Several hours later, Allison bounded off the famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel bus, leapt into mom's arms and declared that it had been fun, was half German and half Italian and half English. He was but she was really glad to be home again. Smiling, Mom said, very large. "Every day will be a little easier, you will see. Tomorrow will be 17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was even more fun than today." Allison's face sobered, "You mean so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the I have to go AGAIN tomorrow?" forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. 18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many Continued Next page

September 2010 • 25 Back To School Humor BY NIGHTWIRE First Grade Perspective 25. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed. 26. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you First graders were given the beginning of these clichés, and have to blow your nose. asked to provide their own endings. The results are often 27. None are so blind as...... Helen Keller. better than the original! Take a look… 28. Children should be seen and not...... spanked or 1. If at first you don't succeed.....go play. grounded. 2. Eat, drink, and.....go to the bathroom. 29. When the blind lead the blind...... get out of the way. 3. All's fair in...... hockey. 4. He who laughs last...... didn't understand the joke. 5. People in glass houses...... better not take off their clothes Wise Advice From Kids 6. All work and no play...... is disgusting. Here's another connection of wisdom from the young ones. 7. Don't put all your eggs...... in the microwave. 1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 8. Better to be safe than...... punch a 5th grader. 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" 9. Strike while the ...... bug is close. don't answer him. - Michael, 14 10. It's always darkest before...... Daylight Savings Time. 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 11. Never underestimate the power of...... termites. 4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 12. You can lead a horse to water but...... how? 5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13 13. Don't bite the hand that...... looks dirty. 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13 14. No news is...... impossible. 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10 15. A miss is as good as a...... Mr. 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush 16. You can't teach an old dog new...... math. your hair. - Taylia, 11 17. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning. 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as 18. Love all, trust...... me. your school assignment. - Traci, 14 19. The pen is mightier than the...... pigs. 10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. 20. An idle mind is...... The best way to relax. - Mitchell, 12 21. Where there's smoke there's...... pollution. 11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. 22. Happy the bride who...... gets all the presents. - Andrew, 9 23. A penny saved is...... not much. 12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. 24. Two's company, three's...... the Musketeers. - Kyoyo, 9 13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9 14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11 15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15 Tanning And Body Contouring 16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9 17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10 18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13 The Thunderstorm When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home, so she went out to meet her. The lightning was flashing frequently. It wasn't long before the mother saw her little daughter ahead, and she observed that the child was walking nonchalantly along, but whenever lightning flashed, her little girl would stop to smile broadly. Finally, the little girl saw her mother ahead, and the child ran to meet her. "Mother, Mother", she said enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!" Ad Libs A father read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libbed parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Continued Next page

26 • September 2010 Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig Lone Stars was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said The name Sam Houston came up during a social studies "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full lesson with my second graders. Not sure how geographically of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of aware they would be of the city of Houston, I asked if the that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked name sounded familiar. One little girl responded quickly, "Yes! the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my Houston we have a problem." friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said "Oh No!! A talking pig!'" Biology I was teaching 3rd grade science to a group of students who Heaven seemed to hang on my every word about the newest subject Little Johnny was in Sunday School one day when the teacher organisms. The entire class was fascinated! One of my asked the class a question: Who wants to go to heaven? All brightest little girls left my class and went to her language of the students raised their hand except for Johnny. Thinking class where she was to write a creative story about what she that he had not heard her, the teacher asked Johnny why he had learned in science. It wasn't long before the language not want to go to heaven. Johnny replied, "I can't, because teacher knocked on my door. She was so tickled that it was Mom said that after church we are going straight to quite difficult to keep from laughing at her expression. She Grandma's." said, "You really need to teach the students how to spell the vocabulary associated with their science lessons." As I stood White Hair looking at her, she held up a very neatly written short story One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the entitled, "The Screaming Orgasm." Needless to say, we both dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her laughed hysterically! mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and Lights Are On asked inquisitively, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" One of my students was particularly slow that day. I told him, Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something "your lights are on, but nobody is home." His response; "I wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns know, my mother works." white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then she said pensively, "Momma, then how come all of Geography grandma's hairs are white?" At the ages of 4 & 5, two little girls were learning some of the major cities of their home state. I asked them, "Name the capital of Pennsylvania" The youngest little girl burst out with Continued Next page

September 2010 • 27 Back To School Humor BY NIGHTWIRE bright eyes and a big smile that she knew the answer! She Thinking he could handle the situation I smiled and told him said, "The capital is 'P'!" She had me on that one! Kids are "That's okay, Sweetheart, just wiggle your mouse." I looked such a joy! up a couple of seconds later to check on the young man and noted that he was staring intently at the screen and the screen New Shoes saver was still on. "Logan", I said. "I told you to wiggle your When I was student teaching in the second grade, a young mouse". The youngster turned and look at me, his jaw moving boy in the class got a new pair of sneakers and was showing frantically. " I'm trying!" he insisted, "but it isn't working!" Now them to the class. He instructed me not to try them on, I am careful to enunciate clearly when instructing students to because he did not want to risk getting "athletic feet." wiggle their MOUSE! Red Tape Taxes Checking over the enrollment cards at the beginning of a new I teach second grade on Long Island. The social studies school year we found a parent of a little kindergarten student curriculum includes teaching about taxes and how they are had marked for "sex" "not yet." used to help our community. It was time for the students to tell me what they understood about this chapter in the form of Neurology a test. One of the questions on the test was What are taxes? I was teaching a unit on multiple intelligence and the brain. I One student simply answered: Something you never pay on mentioned that some believe there is a correlation between the time. number of wrinkles and grooves in one's brain and one's intelligence. One of my high school students blurts out, "Mrs. Health Lesson Bradley, my brain must have been ironed smooth!" I was teaching a health class in first aid... and gave a test. The question was "What is it called when you help someone Screen Saver who is choking?". Imagine my surprise when I looked at one of I teach in a computer lab. One day this past year I had a the papers and it read "It is called the Hymen Remover!!!" Our group of Kindergarten children in the lab. As I worked with faculty room rolled! Oh yes, I forgot to say that the actual one student I heard another call out " Hey! There's something answer to the test was "Heimlich Maneuver" wrong with my computer!" I looked up to see the screen saver had activated on a youngster's computer across the room.

28 • September 2010 The Frog in the Bank • Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 29, A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see 29, 30, and also 33. from the teller's nameplate that her name is "Patricia Whack." • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. So he says: "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he and go on a long vacation."Patti looks at the frog in disbelief fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his his face. name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of football. He was hurt in the growing part. money and that he will need to secure some collateral against • Megan could not come to school today because she has the loan.She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. been bothered by very close veins. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have vowels. to consult with the manager and disappears into a back • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called diarrhea and his boots leak. Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. holds up the tiny pink elephant saying. "I mean, what the heck • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas is this?" (Are you ready . . .) (Hang on to something . . .) shopping because I don't know what size she wear. So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we Rolling Stone." found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Math Class • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to My daughter was listening to her teacher explain the days attend her funeral. math lesson to a classmate again, but the little girl just wasn't • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. getting it. My daughter apparently couldn't stand it anymore, • She spent a weekend with the Marines. "Don't worry about it Katie, someday you'll get a teacher who • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a will know how to teach you." Her teacher told me she was cold and could not breed well. glad it was so funny or she'd have to be deeply offended.

Stuck Student Last year was my daughter's first year of teaching. She was one of the "emergency" hires and really in the dark about her new undertaking. She often tells me about her students and I feel I know them through her stories. She's teaching 4th grade. One little girl has a very difficult time sitting still and tips her chair back. I'll call her "Sue." Sue had fallen backwards a number of times and gotten up, positioned her chair, and was properly admonished by the teacher, (my daughter). Finally she had tipped herself backwards one more time, my daughter went to her, told her to get up and once more requested that she sit still. Sue, still in a sitting position but lying on her back looked up at my daughter and said, " I think I'll just stay down here." My daughter had a very hard time keeping from laughing, but one more time admonishing Sue and Sue getting back up, she had not placed herself up close to her desk. My daughter requested that she scoot up to the desk, to which Sue replied, "I can't." At being asked why not, she replied, " My feet are stuck." She had twisted her feet around the legs of the chair and couldn't get them out. New Excuses These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas • Medical Branch at Galveston. • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Continued Next page

September 2010 • 29 Humor BY NIGHTWIRE

• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. • Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. • Please excuse Burma, she was sick and under the doctor. • Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Donald and Daisy Duck Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!" For You Frequent Fliers The Russians are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed! This is so simple...that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal, and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____".

Good Old Retirement I joined a parachute club! Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "are you nuts? You're almost 90 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week! Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier. Continued Next page

30 • September 2010 A Woman’s Poem Kissed the girls and made them cry. He didn't like the casserole And when the boys came out to play, And he didn't like my cake, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. He said my biscuits were too hard ______Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right There was a little girl who had a little curl He didn't like the stew, Right in the middle of her forehead. I didn't mend his socks When she was good, she was very, very good. The way his mother used to do. But when she was bad...... I pondered for an answer She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports I was looking for a clue. car. Then I turned around and smacked the s**t out of him.... Wal-mart Greeter Like his mother used to do. Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes Nursery Rhymes – Different from What I late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, Remember sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously Mary had a little pig, demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day She kept it fat and plastered; the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to And when the price of pork went up, tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your She shot the little bastard. being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, ______and I am working on it." ''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. Mary had a little lamb. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they Her father shot it dead. say if you came in late there?" ''They said, "Good morning, Now it goes to school with her, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?''' Between two hunks of bread. ______

Jack and Jill went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. ______

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon, 'Pies, you dumb ass' !! ______

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. ______

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. ______

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

September 2010 • 31 Humor BY NIGHTWIRE

Heaven Riddle It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only What Gets Longer When Pulled, to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day Fits Between your Boobs, they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said Inserts Neatly in a Hole to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man AND works best when it is jerked? said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an A seatbelt you pervert! Now Buckle Up!! affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I Helpful Information went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found Bananas this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster. landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it ______over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this Keeping Cheese was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the stay fresh much longer and not mold! day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I ______was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed Peppers to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a and better for cooking. refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me Ground Beef about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..." pull the grease away from the meat while cooking. ______

Yummy eggs To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up. ______

Great Brownies For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting. ______

Seasoning with garlic Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic. Leftover Snickers Snacks Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm! ______

Reheat Pizza Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust Continued Next page

32 • September 2010 crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works. Easy Deviled Eggs Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up. ______

Expanding Frosting When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving. ______Reheating refrigerated bread To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.. ______

Newspaper weeds away Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds.. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers. ______

Broken Glass Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily. ______

No More Mosquitoes Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away. ______

Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it. ______

Flexible vacuum To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings. ______

Reducing Static Cling Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... ta da!... static is gone. ______

Continued Next page

September 2010 • 33 Humor BY NIGHTWIRE

Sticky Measuring Cups dependent on some machine and fluids Before you pour sticky substances into a from a bottle. If that ever happens, just measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump pull the plug.' They got up, unplugged out the hot water, but don't dry the Computer, and threw out my wine. cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as They are such a**h**s . peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out. Cajun Versus BP ______A Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP Foreman Foggy Windshield? won't hire him until he passes a little Hate foggy windshields? Buy math test. Here is your first question, the a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, glove box of your car When the windows represent the number 9.' 'Without fog, rub with the eraser! Works better numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' than a cloth! And proceeds to draw three trees. ______'What's this?' the boss asks 'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree Reopening envelopes make nine,' says the Cajun. If you seal an envelope and then realize 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's you forgot to include something inside, your second question. Use the same just place your sealed envelope in the rules, but this time the number is 99.' freezer for an hour or two. Voila! It The Cajun stares into space for a while, unseals easily. then picks up the picture that he has just ______drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.' The boss scratches Conditioner his head and says, 'How on earth do Use your hair conditioner to shave your you get that to represent 99?' 'Each of legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and leaves your legs really smooth. It's and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.' also a great way to use up the The boss is getting worried that he's conditioner you bought but didn't like going to actually have to hire this Cajun, when you tried it in your hair. so he says, 'All right, last question. ______Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Cajun stares into Goodbye Fruit Flies space some more, then he picks up the To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small picture again and makes a little mark at glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing go. One hundred.' The boss looks at the liquid; mix well.. You will find those attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think flies drawn to the cup and gone that represents a hundred!' The Cajun forever! leans forward and points to the marks at ______the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree.. Get Rid of Ants So now you got dirty tree and a turd, Put small piles of cornmeal where you dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' turd, which make one hundred.' can't digest it so it kills them. It may The Cajun is now the new supervisor. take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the Old Classmate worry about pets or small children being Have you ever been guilty of looking at harmed! others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well.. You’ll love My Living Will this one. My name is Alice, an I was Last night, my kids and I were sitting in sitting in the waiting room for my first the living room and I said to them, 'I appointment with a new dentist. I never want to live in a vegetative state, Continued Next page

34 • September 2010 noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. • Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. Suddenly, I remembered, a tall handsome dark-haired boy with • A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. the same mane had been in my high school class some 30- • There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret • Women blink twice as often as men. crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly • The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man brain. with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my • Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had standing still. attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes, yes, I did. I’m a • If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Mustang,” he gleamed with pride. When did you graduate? I • Women reading this will be finished now. • Men are still busy checking their thumbs. asked. He answered. “In l975. Why do you ask? “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then that Airline Announcements From Kulula Airlines ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray haired, decrepit sob asked, “what did you teach?” Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight Something To Think About! "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: Here are some real examples that have been heard or Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your reported: On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you private account for your use. However, this prize has rules, just just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a as any game has certain rules. The first set of rules would be: hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a taken away from you. You may not simply transfer money into seat and get in it!" some other account. You may only spend it. Each morning ______upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day. On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the The second set of rules: pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for can say, Its over, the game is over! It can close the account your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight and you will not receive a new one. What would you personally attendants." Continued Next page do? You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right? Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right? Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right? ACTUALLY, this GAME is REALITY! Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can't seem to see it. The MAGICAL BANK is TIME! Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost. Yesterday is forever gone. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time . . . WITHOUT WARNING. SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds? Aren't they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars? Think about that, and always think of this: Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think. So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and enjoy life! Here's wishing you a wonderfully beautiful day!!! The only difference between stumbling blocks and steppingstones is the way in which we use them. The Human Body • It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. • One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). • The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

September 2010 • 35 Humor BY NIGHTWIRE

______"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or make sure it's something we'd like to have." spouses.." ______

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula 4 ways out of this airplane." Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them ______are on this flight!" ______"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape ______Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." fella. WHOA!" ______Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight care when opening the overhead compartments because, after Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts ______fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port ______Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ______

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he ______had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" than Kulula Airlines." ______After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have and take them with our compliments." brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, ______once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are Continued Next page

36 • September 2010 Humor BY NIGHTWIRE silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on through the wreckage to the terminal.." the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if ______I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Why I Do Not Attend High School Reunions Airways." Jane, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High ______School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jane arrives first, Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." required ritualized kisses she joins Jane in a glass of wine. ______Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jane explains that after A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non- law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful have a second home in Phoenix. Sue relates that she flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Continued Next page

September 2010 • 37

Humor BY NIGHTWIRE Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely home in Naples, Florida. Mary explains that she left school at soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Mark to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick. Halfway down keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jane blurts out and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words a nearby storage facility. Sue, chastened and encouraged by what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and take vacation camping trips to Alabama. Mary says that and the Future is in deep sh-t. the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. Ever Wonder What is Politics? Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed? 'Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense. 'So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has

September 2010 • 39 Classifieds

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