THE INBETWEENERS MOVIE

Written by DAMON BEESLEY & IAIN MORRIS

SHOOTING SCRIPT 2 (04/02/2011)

INCORPORATING PINK AMENDMENTS DATED 05/02/11

Young Bwark Ltd 35-47 Bethnal Green Road London E1 6LA Tel. 020 7749 9510

(c) 2010 Young Bwark Ltd These script pages are highly confidential and intended only for the recipient whose name they are watermarked with. In accordance with Bwark Productions Ltd and Young Bwark Ltd's Data Protection Policy, commercially confidential data must not be disclosed to any unauthorised person(s) and must be kept securely. Please only print a hard copy of this script if absolutely necessary, and ensure that they are not left where they can be read by any third party, nor the digital file copied or emailed to any third party. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 1

1 EXT. HELICOPTER SHOTS MOVING OVER SUBURBIA - DAY 1 1 WILL V/O Suburbia. The place we called home. Safe, comforting, leafy. And I fucking hated it and couldn't wait to leave. The camera flies towards a suburban house (as a red people carrier pulls out the drive) and swings round behind the house to a back window. It moves through the window and settles on a full E45 cream tub, a large packet of wafer thin ham and a ski-glove picking at the ham.

2 INT. JAY'S BEDROOM. DAY 1 2 JAY is kneeling on his bed wearing only a football shirt and the glove. The E45 and ham are next to him. Over his shoulder we can see a partially clothed woman on the screen, wearing what might best be described as 'Matalan lingerie chic', - cheap underwear worn without any real attempt to sexily 'fill' it. We move round to see JAY's face. He’s wearing a diving mask and snorkel (snorkel not in, but hanging loose). JAY (NERVOUSLY EXCITED) You promise this’ll be properly filthy? WOMAN ON COMPUTER (DEADPAN, FLAT, BORED,EASTERN EUROPEAN) Oh yes, very sexy, like bomb explode in penis. So sexy, like finger up bumhole. JAY seems slighty unsure about this. JAY Mmm, i’m feeling sexy. WOMAN ON COMPUTER Take off mask baby, let me see you. JAY I can't, I'm shy. WOMAN You not shy, you big boy. i need you in me, really bad, so you pay now or I go. JAY Oh Christ, you make me so erect. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 2

WOMAN Yes, you also make me erect... JAY has momentary confused reaction to this. WOMAN (CONT’D) ...now put in card details. Oh i’m soooo horny. Don’t forget security number on back. JAY rushes into his wallet and starts typing in a number.

3 INT WILL'S DAD'S HOUSE - DAY 1 3 WILL is sitting on a large tasteful sofa. A bookshelf is behind him and the place gives off an air of class and money and is markedly different to all the suburban houses we flew over. WILL's FATHER sits opposite WILL on another large tasteful sofa, whilst SUSIE fusses around. WILL is mid-flow, his father making 'hmm' noises throughout. WILL …but if I defer and try again for Oxford, I'll probably lose the place at Bristol… WILL'S FATHER Hmm WILL …which is a good university, but not my dream. Do you think it matters in the long term, or is the subject and the standard of degree more important? WILL'S FATHER So I got married. WILL What? WILL'S FATHER To Susie. We got married. WILL You mean re-married. SUSIE This time it's for keeps though. WILL When did this happen? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 3

WILL'S FATHER Few weeks ago. I was going to invite you but I know how you are around people. WILL How am I? WILL'S FATHER Awkward. Weird. WILL I don't live in a cave, I live in suburban London. I spend my entire life around people. Much as I'd like to, it's almost impossible to avoid them. WILL'S FATHER See, this is what I mean. BEAT WILL Well, was it a big wedding? WILL'S FATHER No. Just a couple of hundred close friends and family SUSIE And it was perfect. They kiss, WILL grimaces. WILL I can't believe you didn't invite me to your wedding. WILL'S FATHER So, what are you up to this summer then? WILL Oh, you're changing the subject? WILL'S FATHER Um-hmm. WILL Fine. I don’t know, I guess i’ll be going on holiday. WILL'S FATHER Oh, this’ll be good, what’ve you got planned; The Trans-Siberian express, fossils hunting in Dorset? * Or something even weirder? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 4

WILL No, actually, something normal. I'm going to go somewhere normal, with my normal friends to a place full of normal people. WILL'S FATHER And you of course. WILL looks at his father.

4 INT. SUBURBAN SUPERMARKET, FISH COUNTER. DAY 4 - EARLY EVENING 1 NEIL SUTHERLAND is working behind the fish counter at a supermarket. It's almost six o'clock, it's busy, and there is a queue of people behind the CUSTOMER he's currently serving. The CUSTOMER is a bit tricky and NEIL is going back and forth from the prawns to get exactly the right weight for them. NEIL (TAKING IT IN HIS STRIDE) It's a bit over, is that okay? CUSTOMER Hmm, not really JAY's MUM walks by with a shopping trolley. NEIL Alright Jay’s mum. Where's Jay? JAY'S MUM Oh hello Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. Her phone rings. She answers looking worried, and walks off. JAY'S MUM (CONT’D) Excuse me. Hello, oh. Oh. NEIL How about now? CUSTOMER Not really. NEIL's taking a few prawns away when he sees the clock on the wall behind him click over to 6pm. He drops the prawns, which scatter everywhere, throws off his hat, and walks over to the doorway behind the counter where there's a girl, NICOLE, also in supermarket uniform, waiting. CUSTOMER (CONT’D) Excuse me, my prawns? NEIL (WITH A SHRUG) Sorry mate, I finish at six. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 5

NEIL grabs the girl (NICOLE) and in full view of the customers they start snogging long and hard. The waiting customers look on disgusted. Eventually they break for air. NEIL (CONT’D) Cheers for that. NICOLE You don't have to thank me every time. NEIL Oh right. Cool. NICOLE You stink of fish. NEIL Yeah. It's the fish. You're so fit. They start snogging hard again.

5 INT CARLI D'AMATO'S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING 1 5 SIMON and CARLI are sitting on her bed, snogging. He looks very into it, her not so much, and as his arm goes up to touch her boob she pulls away. CARLI Simon, we need to talk. SIMON Oh not talking. CARLI It’s been great so far, but... SIMON It’s been amazing. Literally the best year of my life, my spots clearing up, not moving to Wales and now you. And i’m definitely getting better at kissing aren’t i? CARLI I think we should break up. SIMON What? CARLI We're both going away to Uni in a few weeks, and it'll be too hard to keep going long distance. It won't be fair on either of us. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 6

SIMON I don't mind. CARLI You will mind, though. You will. SIMON I bloody won't. CARLI And I'm going on holiday too, so there's that. SIMON Why? What are you planning to do on holiday? CARLI It's for the best, honestly. SIMON Okay, so we'll just get back together again after we finish Uni? CARLI Well, probably not. SIMON But that's not a 'no', is it? CARLI Maybe you should go home, i just need some space to think at the moment. SIMON Cool. Fine. See you later then? CARLI looks at him, then looks away. SIMON shrugs and leaves SIMON (CONT’D) Or whenever.

6 EXT CARLI’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING 1 6 SIMON leaving CARLI's house looking perfectly upbeat, even happy-go-lucky.

7 INT SIMON’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING 1 7 SIMON walks in to his house, practically skipping. He shouts into the kitchen as he heads upstairs. SIMON Mum, i’m back, when’s tea? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 7

SIMON’S MUM (O.S.) In a bit. SIMON It’d better be delicious. SIMON gets into his bedroom, switches on the telly, flops on his bed and suddenly bursts into helpless tears.

8 EXT SUBURBAN ESTATE - EARLY EVENING 1 8 We see the red car from earlier pulling back into the drive. JAY's MUM and JAY’S SISTER get out in tears. They walk quickly to the house and open the door.

9 INT JAY'S BEDROOM. - EARLY EVENING 1 9 From what we can see over JAY's shoulder, he is now fully masturbating in a very involved manner. He's kneeling on the towel and completely naked but for a pair of white socks and the snorkel and goggles. We can almost see the woman doing something to herself on screen. Occasionally JAY reaches with his free hand for some more ham. Then the door flies open and JAY's MUM and JAY'S SISTER burst in, both crying. JAY panics and tries to cover up. JAY Get out, get out, i'm looking at holidays, it’s just holidays. There's a beat as the women take in the scene. JAY'S MUM Jay, can you come downstairs please, your grandfather has died. She and JAY's SISTER exit. JAY takes his mask off. CUT TO:

TITLES TO THE FILM OF THE INBETWEENERS

10 INT MAIN SCHOOL HALL - DAY 2 10 The Upper Sixth are formally seated in the main hall. MR GILBERT is speaking. WILL, JAY, NEIL and SIMON are sitting together. SIMON can see across at CARLI. She notices him looking and gives him a weak smile. He looks away. The HEADMASTER is sat next to GILBERT, silent, occasionally wincing at what Gilbert says (especially the ‘fucker’ line) The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 8

GILBERT So in conclusion after today you lot are officially out of my charge. If you do find yourself at a loose end next year and think it might be nice to pop by to see how we’re getting on - don't. This isn't the Dead Poets Society, and I'm not that bloke on BBC2 who keeps getting kids to sing in choirs. I have absolutely no interest in you once today is over and I especially don't want to hear how well you're settling in at Uni, or how much growing up you've done in the last 12 months. At best i’m ambivalent towards most of you, but some of you I actively dislike for * no reason other than your poor personal hygiene or irritating personalities. GILBERT gazes over the assembly and we see BIG JOHN sniff his armpits then sink into his chair and drop his head. On “irritating personalities” GILBERT shoots WILL a look. WILL looks round, assuming he must be talking about someone else. GILBERT (CONT'D) I hope I've made myself clear on this point, and in case any of you think I'm joking, I'm not. I assure you that once my legal obligation to look after your best interests is removed I can be one truly nasty fucker. Good luck with the rest of your lives and try not to kill anyone because it reflects badly on all of us here. GILBERT walks off to a stunned silence. The rest of the Upper Sixth start to get up to leave and shuffle out. WILL Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting.

11 INT / EXT SCHOOL - DAY 2 11 The four boys are emptying their lockers. SIMON How many times is that she’s caught you now? JAY Four. But this was the worst. Snorkel, mask, ham. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 9

NEIL * Do you think she’s doing it on * purpose? * JAY * No Neil. * Suddenly WILL is grabbed from behind by DONOVAN and a mate. * DONOVAN Here you go briefcase, one last one for luck. SIMON Nah, come on Mark… DONOVAN Yes? SIMON is silent as DONOVAN wedgies WILL hard and for a long time, almost getting his pants over his head. WILL is struggling, but trying to retain his dignity. WILL Good. Old school wedgie, to be admired in a way. Yep, squashing the balls now, oof, that does not tickle, oof...Guys? JAY, NEIL and SIMON look a bit awkward. As the wedgie increases in intensity WILL’s wisecracks stop and he looks in genuine pain. Just then CARLI and a friend turn up. CARLI Mark, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Put him down. Now. DONOVAN lets WILL down and walks off, laughing. DONOVAN Alright, calm down. We were just saying goodbye to bender squad. Have a nice life dickheads. DONOVAN and his mates walk off laughing. CARLI Grow up, god. Are you okay Will? WILL Fine. Slightly chafed arse crack, but er no, basically fine, thanks. CARLI Hi Simon. There's an awkward beat as SIMON ignores her. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 10

CARLI (CONT’D) Okay. Well, bye then. CARLI leaves. SIMON Fucking bitch. WILL Is she? BEAT as SIMON’s eyes begin to well up. He starts crying. * SIMON No. Oh god, I just really miss her. The others exchange awkward glances while SIMON really sobs * for ages. Eventually Neil steps up to offer support. * NEIL (PUTTING HIS ARM ROUND SIMON) It’s alright mate, I understand. Anyone would miss those tits. SIMON It's not that Neil. NEIL Is it her lovely snatch? SIMON No. WILL * I know it feels rough now Si, but you just need to give it some time. JAY Yeah you know what girls are like, they always come back. SIMON * I just don’t know if I’ll ever get over her. JAY I can help you with that. SIMON Can you? JAY Yeah. From now on, anytime you mention the Moan-a-tronic 5000 you get a slap in the balls. SIMON Do you mean Carli? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 11

JAY slaps SIMON in the balls. SIMON (CONT’D) Owwww. For fucks sake Jay... NEIL You were warned. SIMON How’s that helping? JAY Well you’re not crying like a baby anymore. SIMON So my life is still ruined but now my balls ache too. Thanks Jay. JAY No, your life is about to begin mate. Now you’ve been dumped we can all go on a mental holiday together. Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze, sex, minge, fanny and tits. And booze. And sex. WILL He’s put it horrifically but he’s probably right. A holiday will definitely take your mind off her. JAY Yeah come on Si. You know what the best cure for the last one is? SIMON No. JAY The next one. WILL Ah, the serial killers mantra.

11A INT SCHOOL ATRIUM - DAY 2 11A The guys are walking out the school, SIMON is leading. JAY I promise you Si, it’ll be brilliant. It’s us. And it’s the perfect time to go. NEIL Yeah, they say the summer is the perfect time for a summer holiday. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 12

JAY Also we’ve got nothing to do - no more school, no exams, no stress. WILL Apart from the stress of waiting for results. JAY Oh no, i’m so stressed, i’ve got to wait. Oh no, not waiting. WILL It’s not the waiting per se. NEIL (LAUGHING) Wait. JAY Ooh, no i gotta wait. NEIL Look out, waiting. WILL Right. SIMON I dunno, it’s just not what i hoped i’d be doing this summer. JAY Oh what did you want to do then? Play cricket? Chase butterflies? * SIMON Oh god. it’s just i thought this summer was when i‘d lose my virginity to Carli. JAY slaps SIMON hard in the balls again. SIMON (CONT’D) Arhhhhh, stop it. NEIL If it makes you feel better Si, you wouldn’t have been her first. SIMON No, I think i would. NEIL Nah, she went out with that uni bloke, remember? WILL is in the background making cut throat actions to JAY. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 13

JAY Yeah. I heard once she couldn’t play netball for two weeks because he fucked her bow-legged. NEIL I heard that. SIMON She pulled a hamstring. NEIL Doubt it. JAY * Si i promise i’ll get you laid this summer. WILL Come on Si, what do you say? The * lads on tour? NEIL And you. WILL Yes, and me. One of the lads. JAY i’m warning you Harry Plopper you won’t like it, there won’t be a library for miles around. WILL Well, i’m going anyway, and i’ll pretend to enjoy it just like any normal person would. Come on Si. SIMON Fuck it, go on then. Maybe it will help. JAY Course it will. I promise you Si with the amount of fit birds out there it’ll be like shooting clunge in a barrel. WILL Lovely image. * They all head off, out the school for the last time. WILL allows himself a little look back, as the others throw the doors open and walk out in epic fashion. WILL tries the same but his door is locked, and he walks straight into it. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 14

12 EXT. ESTATE NIGHT - NIGHT 3 12 SIMON'S DAD is standing by his people carrier, with SIMON's MUM and SIMON. WILL's MUM and WILL are there too. WILL'S MUM I know this is the first time you've ever been away from me, but don't go crazy. WILL When have I ever gone crazy? WILL'S MUM When you had that shandy at Deborah's wedding you were pretty wild. WILL I was seven years old. WILL'S MUM He ran around with his pants down shouting 'I've got a white slug'. WILL Mum. WILL looks crestfallen, as NEIL and NEIL's DAD turn up. * SIMON’S MUM Oh hello Kevin, looks like just Jay we're waiting for then. SIMON Yes it does 'look like' that doesn't it? God. Sorry about her. NEIL and NEIL’s dad walk up the street, NEIL dragging his case. NEIL's face is very brown. MR COOPER Are you alright Neil? Your face is a bit weird. NEIL Fine, yeah, I just popped a bit of my sister's fake tan on my face, get it started, y'know. WILL Just on your face? NEIL Well, it's on my hands now too. He shows the palms of his hands, which are very brown. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 15

SIMON I think you might have overdone it mate. WILL It's a good job we're not going to India or you'd get deported for taking the piss. JAY's DAD and JAY turn up. JAY's DAD jumps out the car and points immediately to NEIL's DAD. JAY'S DAD Alright, who's this then, the vicar? KEVIN Oh, me? I’m Kevin, Neil’s father. Nice to meet you. JAY'S DAD Where's Neil been hiding you then, the church? Look at him he looks like a bloody vicar don't he? KEVIN Oh no, I'm not a vicar. JAY’S DAD I know that, but you look like a vicar, and you talk like a vicar. A bloody gay vicar or something. KEVIN Ha, well I'm not a vicar or gay. SIMON and JAY look at each other and snigger. WILL raises his eyebrows. JAY'S DAD No, i’m saying you look gay but you can’t be can you? Cos old soppy bollocks here come out your pipe. JAY’s dad nods at NEIL. KEVIN Oh, right, I see, um... MR COOPER Well, we'd better get going, don't want you to miss that flight. WILL'S MUM Take care pookie petal, i love you. WILL's MUM grabs him and kisses him. He struggles free and gets in the car. The others are getting in, laughing at this. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 16

JAY'S DAD Oh and Jay, if you’re going to spend your Grandad’s money chasing skirt, two things. One make sure she’s not a hound like the last one and two try to be a man when she dumps you for someone with a bigger cock. Which is everyone. JAY Dad. JAY's DAD laughs as they all get in the car. The car starts to pull away, the parents waving. It stops suddenly, after only a few yards, reverses back, and NEIL gets out. NEIL I've forgotten them. NEIL'S DAD Forgotten what? NEIL Keys, passport, wallet, the lot. NEIL'S DAD Oh Neil.

13 EXT. CAR - NIGHT 3 13 The people carrier is driving in to Gatwick.

14 INT. SIMON'S DAD'S CAR - NIGHT 3 14 MR COOPER She's nice your mum isn't she Will? WILL Um, yeah, i suppose. MR COOPER Attractive too. Very attractive lady. WILL Right. MR COOPER It takes me back all this. Cheap flights at ungodly hours. Where is it you're headed again, Simon never tells me anything? WILL Malia, Mr Cooper. In Greece. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 17

MR COOPER Can't say I've heard of it. SIMON Of course you haven't, it's a cool place to go. NEIL And it's got a Subways. MR COOPER Oh right. In my day it was all about Spain. Me and my mates went to Magaluf this one time, Shagaluf we called it. He laughs and the boys, except SIMON, laugh politely and awkwardly. Then MR COOPER is a bit more serious and distant. MR COOPER (CONT’D) We should have called it Shagalot. And hard. Anything that moved. We * had a system, always left a hat on the bedroom door when one of us got lucky. Was usually me. SIMON Christ Dad, please shut up. MR COOPER I don't know what it is but you'll find girls just seem to let themselves go a bit more abroad. It's like as soon as they smell the suncream they get wet. Your mother's the same, even now. SIMON looks absolutely horrified. The others start laughing. SIMON Oh God, just drop us here. * CUT TO: *

15 EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT, TERMINAL DROP OFF - NIGHT 3 15 Cars driving in and out, planes taking off etc. CUT TO:

16 INT. GATWICK - NIGHT TRAVELATOR / MONORAIL - NIGHT 3 16 The boys are stood on the monorail in the airport. They all * have large suitcases There’s a palpable air of excitement. * NEIL has a football, WILL a large, pink, metallic suitcase. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 18

SIMON You do know Malia's not a gay resort don't you? You don't have to bring a bag that screams 'I love cock'. WILL It's my mum's actually. JAY Yes, that’s what he’s saying, it screams 'I love cock'. SIMON laughs, he’s clearly excited. WILL Also, unlike your uniformly black ones it will be easy to spot at baggage reclaim. SIMON Because it will be sucking on a penis. NEIL I've never stayed in a two star hotel before. i wonder what the other star is for? SIMON Do you think we should go to Boots first, you know, to 'stock up'. JAY No need mate, I've come prepared. JAY pulls an enormous bag of condoms out of his hand luggage. JAY (CONT’D) Courtesy of Grandad Bob’s will. * NEIL Cool. WILL Will you really need that many? JAY I'll need more than this mate. That's not enough for two weeks. NEIL How many you got then? JAY (LOOKING AT THE PACKET) Er, 144. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 19

WILL One hundred and forty four? You're planning to get through over ten a day, including today? JAY Yes. If i wanted to i could get through these before we even hit Malia. NEIL * Are you gonna join the mile high * club Jay? * JAY * Yeah, probably. * WILL With every passenger on the plane? SIMON I’d just like to use one condom, once. NEIL You'll definitely be alright on * holiday mate, just remember what your Dad said. JAY Yeah, your Mum's a fucking bike. SIMON Fuck off. NEIL Oh yeah, here y’are. Nice. * NEIL hands out bright pink t-shirts to everyone. On the front they say ‘Pussay Patrol’ and have a cartoon cat with an erection. On the back they have nicknames, we see JAY’s “Mr Big Nob”, NEIL’s “Mr Ladykiller” and SIMON’s “Mr Rebound” NEIL (CONT’D) You owe me twelve quid each, 'cept you Will. Yours was twenty. WILL What? Why? NEIL 'cos I had to bung the bloke a few extra quid to make it. WILL holds up his t-shirt, on the back it says 'Mr I Fuck Kids'. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 20

WILL Right, so I've got to pay more money for a t-shirt that I didn't ask for and I'm not going to wear, because it carries a nickname I didn't know I had? SIMON Yes. WILL Great. The other three laugh.

17 INT GATWICK AIRPORT - NIGHT 3 17 The four boys appear out of the lift, wearing their ‘PUSSAY PATROL’ t-shirts. They walk out the lift and round the corner, approaching the large open check-in area. A couple of people passing do double-takes at the t-shirts. WILL Perfect, no queue. I told you it was worth getting here three hours early. They approach the woman at the check-in desk. CHECK IN WOMAN Malia flight * WILL Yep. CHECK IN WOMAN Delayed seven hours. And please remove those t-shirts or we won’t * allow you to board the plane. * CUT TO:

18 EXT GV PLANE FLYING / LANDING - DAY 4 18 (NOTE: DAY 3 AND DAY 4 ARE THE SAME DAY, WEDNESDAY) CUT TO:

19 SCENE CUT 19 * *

20 INT/EXT. AIRPORT / COACH - DAY 4 20 The boys are trudging across the tarmac out from the airport * to a waiting bus. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 21

JAY * I’m hot. * NEIL * It is well hot. * JAY * Might be too hot. * NEIL * Might be. * Just then SIMON looks over and sees a girl who looks exactly * like CARLI. He shouts after her. * SIMON * Carli? Carli! Carls! * The girl turns round and it isn’t CARLI. SIMON looks glum. * SIMON (CONT’D) * Oh. * The boys finally get to the coach, exhausted and dragging * their bags. They are met by a REP with a clipboard. REP Are you lot the McKenzie party? WILL Yep, that’s us. * REP You’re late. WILL Nice to meet you too. BURNLEY LADS (FROM THE BACK SEAT) Oi Adrian Mole, get a fucking move on, we've got drinking to do. The boys walk down the coach, JAY and NEIL first. It's not that busy, and in middle are sat a group of quite nice looking girls. JANE, LUCY, ALISON and LISA. NEIL Jay, Jay, tidy minge, nine o'clock. JAY just keeps his head down and walks past the girls. NEIL (CONT’D) Jay. JAY! JAY swings himself into his seat and NEIL follows. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 22

NEIL (CONT’D) D'you not see them girls. Why don't you chirps them? JAY I can’t deal with three at once Neil. NEIL Really? What about them triplets? JAY Nah, yeah, that was alright cos that was a luxury caravan, but this coach is too small for my moves. JAY tries to bump and grind in his seat, but is restricted. JAY (CONT’D) See? NEIL No, course. WILL and SIMON come up the coach and sit down. WILL leans over to NEIL and JAY so he’s addressing everyone. He’s * reading from a Lonely Planer Guide to Crete. * WILL Right, so the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep and then head out fresh tomorrow. First stop, the Minoan Palace at Knossos. JAY Have you come on a lads holiday by mistake? We haven't come half way round the world to look at boring fucking Greek ruins. NEIL Yeah you can see that shit anywhere. JAY Look, we get there, drop the bags off and then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples. WILL But i’ve not slept for thirty seven hours. SIMON So shut up and try to get some sleep on here then. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 23

WILL Fine. Good idea. WILL closes his eyes and leans his head back. There's a beat and then, louder than you'd think possible, a huge roar and an aggressive football chant starts up from the back seats. * They start to thump the windows and stamp their feet too. * BURNLEY LADS AND IT’S SUPER BURNLEY, SUPER BURNLEY FC, etc…

21 EXT. BUS / ISLAND - DAY 4 21 Montage of the bus winding it’s way around the island, through towns, past waves breaking on cliffs etc, beautiful shots, all to the terrible sound of endless Burnley chants. CUT TO:

22 INT/EXT. COACH / BOYS’ APARTMENT - DAY 4 22 The coach is stopped outside a shitty looking, half-finished five-storey concrete box, with no landscaping, just some * brush. In the front there's a GREEK MAN smoking, and pulling a wet dead dog out of a well. The boys look on, repulsed. There’s a sense of edginess on the coach, (who’s actually staying here?) broken by the REP, who’s getting back on. REP (CHECKING HER CLIPBOARD) Right then, McKenzie party, this is you. The boys groan. The BURNLEY LADS cheer uproariously. BURNLEY LADS Nice one fellas. Don’t worry, It’ll * be nice when it’s finished. * WILL and the three boys slowly trudge off the coach.

23 EXT BOYS APARTMENT - DAY 4 23 The boys, looking unhappy, pick up their suitcases as the bus pulls away behind them. Nice four shot here please. NEIL This don't look like the pictures. The GREEK MAN who has pulled the dog out the well comes over to them, still holding the dog in his hand. When he shakes hands with WILL he transfers the dog to the other hand so WILL shakes a wet, dead dog smelling hand. WILL looks at his own hand. It’s not great. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 24

GREEK MAN You Willy? WILL Yes. GREEK MAN Here keys. Have fun, but not too much fun. You shit on floor, fifty euro fine. Each time. He walks off swinging the dog. As the boys walk towards the apartments a really hard looking British bloke comes out the main door. Covered in tattoos he’s HARD STEVE. HARD STEVE Alright lads, you staying here? WILL Yes we are. HARD STEVE Bad luck. I've just come back from * Afghanistan and conditions there are better than this shithole. I can't wait to get back to lying in a dusty trench being shot at by some raghead. You married? * SIMON * No. * HARD STEVE * Don’t get married. The wife booked * this but somehow it’s my fucking * fault. Anyways, pop down for a beer * if you fancy it, see yous later. * The GREEK MAN sees STEVE and shouts out. GREEK MAN Steve, you owe me fifty euros. The boys look a bit shocked, then they head inside. CUT TO:

24 INT. NEW APARTMENT ROOM - DAY 4 24 They enter their holiday apartment and wander round. It’s disgusting and has the kind of decor that it’s hard to break and cheap to replace. WILL opens the fridge which is empty apart from half a can of dog food. WILL and SIMON then walk into the living area, which has a sofabed in it. They pull * out the sofa bed, and it has a huge light brown stain on a * white sheet in the middle of it. SIMON tries the tiny tv * which has shash on every channel. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 25

From the other room they hear “SHOTGUN THIS ROOM” from JAY and NEIL. SIMON quickly shouts. SIMON Shotgun the sofabed. WILL Well where am I going to sleep then? SIMON Not really my problem.

25 INT. BOYS’ APARTMENT, BATHROOM - DAY 4 25 JAY and NEIL are in the bathroom examining the bidet NEIL What's this? Is this the bath? JAY Course it's not the bath you idiot, there's the bath there. That's the kids toilet. NEIL Is it? JAY Yes. NEIL Why's it got a plughole and a tap then? JAY It's for checking your kid's shit before you flush it. NEIL That's grim. JAY Yeah, I know, but that's the continentals innit? They're dirty. SIMON and WILL walk in. SIMON points at the bathtub. SIMON See, that looks comfy. WILL I am not sleeping in the fucking bathtub for two weeks Simon. We’ll have to share the sofabed. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 26

JAY Oooooh, 'ello. WILL Brilliant. JAY Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, i’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t going to fuck itself you know. WILL Charming.

26 INT APARTMENT MONTAGE - NIGHT 4 26 Musical montage of them getting ready for a night out. They are all excited. WILL v/o during this part tbc. We see: SIMON doing his stupid hair til JAY shoves him out the bathroom unceremoniously. SIMON is then in the living room, taking clothes out his case. He takes a photo of CARLI, looks at it and pops it back. WILL with three identical pairs of chinos laid out on the sofa, deciding which to wear. He sees Teddy popping out his case, gives him a little kiss, then puts him back. NEIL checking his tan is alright, which it isn’t. He then opens his weirdly immaculately packed suitcase, removes a box of Frosties and box of Coco-Pops. He’s annoyed because his stupid hat (like the one Blake wore for ages) is squashed and has Frosties in it. JAY is in the bathroom now, he’s got a beard trimmer in his hand. He’s trimming his pubes but he’s treating it as delicately as if it were topiary. Each time he brings the trimmer up it has a ridiculous amount of hair on it. When he finally seems happy he gives himself a little gentleman’s spray with some aftershave, smiles, then leaves.

27 EXT, HEADING TOWARDS THE STRIP, GETTING LIVELIER - NIGHT 4 27 The boys are walking towards town, looking excited, with a few beers for the journey. JAY downs his can and just chucks the empty in the bushes then starts up. JAY * Si, why are you wearing your mum’s * shoes? * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 27

SIMON * They’re espadrilles actually. * JAY And Neil, why are you dressed like Lewis Hamilton when he’s not at work? NEIL Behave. Just then a Police Car slowly drives up past them. * JAY * Oop, heads down boys. * NEIL * Shit. * WILL * Why? We haven’t done anything. * JAY * Yeah, but it’s foreign police. * WILL * So? * NEIL * Don’t you even know about the * foreign police? * WILL * What? Short-sleeved uniforms? * Chunkier truncheons? * NEIL * Fucking hell. * JAY * They're all corrupt and basically * if you misbehave and don't have the * money to bribe them, they take you * up to these shepherd's huts in the * hills, beat you up and bum you. * NEIL * And if they don't kill you, you * kill yourself ‘cos of the shame of * getting a boner when you was being * bummed. * WILL * Right, couple of things. Firstly, * the hills here are full of * timeshares, not deserted shepherd's * huts. * (MORE) The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 28 WILL (CONT'D) Secondly, Crete's in the EU, so I * think the standard of policing * probably goes beyond bumming and * forced suicide. * JAY * Believe what you like, I'm going to * keep a bribe up my arse just in * case. * WILL * You're going to spend the whole * holiday with twenty euros rolled up * inside your arse? * JAY * It’s been up there since the * seatbelt signs went off mate. *

As they walk a guy approaches them (RICHARD). He's got a simian swagger about him and he's incredibly familiar. RICHARD Alright lads, holiday is it, yeah? I'm out here on my own having a mental time. Can I have a beer? NEIL Here you go mate. JAY pulls back NEIL's arm. JAY No, you can't. Fuck off. RICHARD laughs. RICHARD Alright, which is it? You say yes, he says bloody no, he's not your boss is he? RICHARD laughs and takes a swig of NEIL'S beer. WILL Sorry, do we know you? RICHARD (IGNORING WILL) Anyways here's a good one for you, get a torch and walk along the beach at night and you get to watch people fucking. They're all drunk and see like tits and cocks an’ that. If you’re into cocks, which he looks like he is. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 29

WILL Well, it's been great talking to you but we've really got to get a move on. RICHARD Can I come round yours for a shower? SIMON Erm, no? We have to go now. RICHARD Nah, cool beans. See you later lads. Richard, yeah? Richard.

28 EXT MALIA STREET, NIGHT 4 28 People are drunk, but it's not just alcohol that gives the place its energy. It’s bursting with the excitement of being away from home. The boys are wandering along, almost in a daze, overwhelmed by the noise and excitement and the options opening up in front of them. They are taking it all in and not really talking to each other. (MALIA FOOTAGE TO HERE?) SIMON is looking around and sees a girl who looks like CARLI laughing with some people. He does a double take, but when he looks back she’s gone. JAY spies a passably attractive group of girls. JAY Hello. She'd get it... NEIL Most definitely. JAY ...and that one, she'd get it, and that one, and that one… NEIL …and that one, she’d get it. JAY Right in the bumholey. WILL If we're in the easiest place in the world to get laid, and all these girls would get it, why don't you just go and talk to them? JAY Nah. Not yet. Pacing myself. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 30

NEIL I can't believe I've already got a bird. Gutted. JAY So fucking what? All birds know what goes on tour stays on tour. NEIL Nah, I couldn’t do that to Nicole, I think I love her. And i’ve never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich. JAY Well, if the build up gets too much mate you can borrow my johnnies, have a wank royale. NEIL Ah, cheers Jay. WILL A what? NEIL A Wank Royale? A wank with a Johnny on? It's a bit more expensive so I tend to save it for special occasions. SIMON Birthdays, Christmas, the Champions League final. NEIL Exactly. A very attractive girl in a short skirt holding some flyers comes up to them, it’s the PR GIRL. PR GIRL Alright lads, you up for a good time? JAY Yeah. We're always up for a good time. NEIL We're the pussy patrol PR GIRL Oh right, so if you really are the pussy patrol… JAY Which we are… The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 31

PR GIRL …you're obviously going to Marco's? It's the most buzzing bar out here, always packed but with a really chilled out sexy vibe, know what I mean? WILL I don't really know what you mean. When you say 'sexy vibe', do you mean girls? PR GIRL Course, loads of girls. And i'll sort you half price drinks and a free fishbowl. JAY Cool, cool. So will you be in there with your sexiness, making the vibe sexy, being all sexy and that? Sexy. WILL Say ‘sexy’ more. JAY winces at his clumsy attempt at flirtation. PR GIRL Well I will if you're going to be there you saucy bugger. Come on then. She takes them to the door of the club, holding JAY by his hand, who is grinning smugly at WILL. PR GIRL (CONT’D) Here you go, these four. See you in a bit, mine's a Bacardi and coke. JAY Large one? PR GIRL Saucy. I’ll see you later. She goes back to her pitch on the pavement, leaving the boys to pay to go in. NEIL Fucking hell, you are well in there mate. JAY Yep, he shoots he scores. Right up the vaj. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 32

SIMON Oh my god, if she's outside, imagine the birds inside? They head inside excitedly.

29 INT MARCOS - A SHIT, EMPTY, CLUB - NIGHT 4 29 It is a massive and totally empty bar / club, with the exception of a lone barman wiping down glasses. WILL Ah, interesting. JAY peels off to the bar. NEIL Must get going a bit later, she did say it’s amazing. WILL And why would she lie? They head over to the bar, JAY’s already ordering. JAY Alright mate, four pints, four jagermeisters and a fishbowl. NEIL (TO THE BARMAN, VERY SLOWLY IN SHOUTED ENGLISH.) Hello, when it good here? BARMAN I’m sorry? NEIL When here party good? BARMAN (WHO IS ENGLISH) Normally, in about an hour or two. SIMON Oh, well, as we’ve paid maybe we should hang on then? BARMAN But this year never. NEIL (SHOUTED STILL) Thank you very much. SIMON Okay, let's go. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 33

JAY Fuck off, my bird'll be here in a minute. WILL Do you mean the woman who is quite clearly on a commission to trick people into this empty bar? JAY No, I mean the little fitty outside who I was flirting with. WILL I’ll take that as a 'yes' then. JAY I'm going nowhere til she's sucked me off. SIMON So, you're going nowhere then? WILL Jay, we’re on holiday, I'm meant to be out there, trying to hit on girls I think are beneath me, but who for their part won't give me the time of day. So let’s go. SIMON, WILL and NEIL go to leave, but stop dead when they see the four girls who were on the coach coming down the stairs. They are about the same age as the four boys, and are attractive. One is maybe a little big, but still attractive. NEIL Hello hello. It's those little lovelies from the coach. JAY (INDICATING THE LARGER GIRL) That one's not so little. SIMON I think they're looking at us. The girls look over and sort of definitely make eye contact. WILL And not in a ‘we’re terrified leave us alone’ way. Amazing. JAY They're only looking at you cos there's no-one else here. SIMON Jay, you're drunkest, go over and talk to them. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 34

JAY Nah, not me mate, none of them are as fit as my one outside. Why have hamburgers when you've got steak at home? WILL If, like you, you have neither anywhere? It's up to you then Si. SIMON Oh, shit, really? i don’t know if i’m over Carli. JAY slaps SIMON in the nuts. SIMON (CONT’D) Yahhhhhhh... can you stop that? JAY Yes i can. When you stop being a pussy about your ex. It’s time to get back on the horse Si, and those little ponies need feeding. Feed the pony. JAY does the ‘feed the pony’ hand gesture. SIMON Okay, I’ll introduce us but we’ve all got to go over together. WILL Great. JAY You fucking sad cases, you don't just walk up to birds in a club and ’introduce’ yourself. It's creepy. SIMON What’s creepy about just saying hello? JAY The way you say it. God do I have to do everything for you? Clubs are different rules you dick. You dance over near them, make the eyes, then get them dancing with you. SIMON Really? WILL Annoyingly that does sound right. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 35

JAY Thank you. Then after a bit, stand behind them and pretend to slap them and fuck them up the arse from behind. WILL That might be a bit much. SIMON Yeah, i dunno... NEIL Fucking hell, i’ll do it. WILL What about Nicole? NEIL It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. WILL I’m scared. NEIL Stick with me, you'll be fine. WILL Right then Simon, looks like the holiday starts here. NEIL starts to groove over to the girls. SIMON does a kind of mental readying then follows and finally, after a deep breath, so does WILL. They sort of dance / walk towards the girls finishing quite close to them. WILL (CONT’D) Is this alright? Am I doing it right? Am I in time? SIMON Fine, maybe a little out, but not so you'd notice. Copy Neil. The three of them look dreadful, dancing really obviously close to the girls, looking over and making eyes. Then they subconsciously fall into the same moves and rhythm as NEIL. They are like the Four Tops (topical reference). The girls laugh. JAY is by the bar, shaking his head watching them. JAY Another fishbowl mate. The girls are looking at them and giggling, mainly because it's so obvious. There’s a huge space to dance in, and they are just next to the girls. The dancing is getting worse, then WILL just stops and walks over to ALISON. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 36

WILL Sorry, do you mind if we come and talk to you, because you look nice and frankly this is just humiliating for everyone involved? BEAT ALISON Sit down specs. WILL excitedly sits down, and gestures to the others. SIMON edges over a bit too, and LUCY makes a bee-line for him. LUCY Hello. i’m Lucy. SIMON grins a huge grin and sits down next to her. JAY can't believe his eyes. JAY (TO BARMAN) I better not get stuck with the fat one.

30 INT MARCOS BAR AREA - NIGHT 4 30 The boys are now all sat with the girls in the seating area. JAY is at the cocktail bar with JANE. JANE So when Alison initially suggested Malia we thought ‘yeah why not, it’ll be ironic’, then we had a reality check and thought 'do we honestly want to spend two weeks somewhere being ironic?' And the answer was obviously no, so we looked at other places but realised that, actually, we did want to have a laugh and go clubbing and get drunk and be silly and that this might be a genuinely good place to come. So, fuck it, and here we are. JAY Just so you know I've met a really fit bird, and she'll be along any minute. Alright? JANE Okay. She won't mind me talking to you will she? JAY makes a sort of 'maybe' face. CUT TO: The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 37

SIMON is mid flow talking to an attractive girl who maybe * doesn’t know how beautiful she is. * SIMON It’s pretty devastating because she’s definitely the most beautiful girl i’ve ever met. She’s so fascinating. Oh, and she’s funny, really funny, you know? LUCY Oh right, in what sort of way? SIMON Just like, um, in a, you know when something's funny and people get it? LUCY Yes. SIMON In that way. And also a comedy way. LUCY looks unimpressed, and the camera then swings over to where NEIL is sat with LISA in total silence. He looks like he's going to speak a few times, but then doesn't. She seems quite shy, then NEIL finally breaks the silence. NEIL Wanna dance? LISA nods, they go and dance in a perfectly normal way.

31 INT. MARCOS BAR - NIGHT 4 31 WILL is talking to ALISON. They look over at JAY who is ordering another drink and, whilst the barman’s back is turned, is emptying bottles from the bar into his fishbowl. ALISON He hasn’t been drinking fishbowls all night has he? WILL When in Rome… ALISON ...drink something which is nine parts Sunny Delight, one part lighter fluid? WILL I think that’s the saying, yes. I’m Will by the way. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 38

ALISON Alison. So has this place hired you as some sort of avant garde dance troupe to scare the customers off? WILL * No, I lost my mind and agreed to * come here on holiday. What’s your excuse? ALISON Sort of similar. I came out earlier this summer, fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, so i’m back. WILL Hilarious, of course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter? ALISON Waiter. WILL Brilliant. And what’s he called, Stavros? ALISON Nicos. WILL Too good. I bet he’s different to all the boys back home? ALISON Yes. He understands women for one. WILL I’m sure he does, he must get enough practice. So I presume he wooed you with the old “I love you, I love you, you only girl for me, there no-other-girl in my life, oh wait, here comes the next plane from Newcastle, I gotta go baby.” ALISON Sorry, you do realise I'm not playing along with a joke, I genuinely do have a Greek waiter boyfriend called Nicos? WILL No, of course you do. Brilliant, * ‘Nicos’. You’ve really nailed the * cliches. BEAT where ALISON looks at him. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 39

WILL (CONT'D) You are joking aren't you? ALISON No. His grandmother has a moustache if that makes the stereotype even funnier for you? WILL I'm sorry. I’m sure he’s not like every other waiter out here. ALISON It's fine, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Although your accent is pretty good. ALISON looks at her watch. ALISON (CONT’D) Oops, I've got to go. Don't want to miss my stereotypical Greek boyfriend. He might get angry and smash some plates. WILL … or commit atrocities in Anatolia. ALISON You're not normal are you?

32 INT. MARCO’S SHIT CLUB - NIGHT 4 32 The club has filled up a bit, there are a group of middle- aged women and a couple of locals chatting to the barman. JAY is again nicking spirits when LISA comes over and stands next to JANE, looking a bit sad. JANE Alright Lis, where’s Neil? LISA points over to NEIL who is dancing between two fat northern women. CUT TO: SIMON and LUCY are still chatting. SIMON So then Carli said she needed some * space, and Uni’s coming up so maybe she’s right. LUCY Sorry, who’s right? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 40

SIMON Carli. LUCY Who? SIMON Carli? My ex. LUCY You went out with a girl called Carli? You should have said. SIMON What? I did, that’s all i’ve been talking about, oh. SIMON realises she was joking. LUCY Yes, I was joking. I also have a comedy sense of humour. SIMON Oh. Sorry for going on about her, i usually get a smack in the balls to stop me. LUCY What? SIMON Um, nothing. ALISON and WILL come over to them. ALISON Lucy, we should go. Nicos finishes soon and I don't want to miss him. LUCY Cool. Simon's been telling me all about Carli, she sounds amazing. WILL She's not. SIMON Shut up. LUCY So, shall we all hang out again * sometime? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 41

ALISON Yeah, you lot don’t seem too bad. If i hear another bloke out here refer to women as gash i’m going to scream. WILL and SIMON laugh, then shiftily glance at JAY and NEIL. WILL / SIMON No, yeah, sure, right, that is bad, * that’s horrible. * LUCY Do you fancy coming to the all day * boat party, friday? I know it’s meant to be sold out but our rep reckons he can still get tickets if you fancy it? SIMON All day boat party? What's that? LUCY Well it's a party. SIMON Okay. LUCY All day. SIMON Yep. LUCY On a boat. SIMON Oh right. Beat where ALISON and WILL look at SIMON. ALISON Well now that’s been cleared up, we’re off. See you later Will. The four girls leave MARCO’S, SIMON and WILL head over to JAY SIMON Amazing. Do you realise we just danced over, chatted up some girls, they loved it, and you didn’t fuck it up? WILL Me? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 42

SIMON * Are we playas? I’m starting to think that here, unlike at home, we might actually be playas. WILL Maybe, I’m not really sure what that means. However as I’ve not slept now for two days i’m going to bed. SIMON Yeah, my eyeballs feel like they’ve got papercuts. Jay? JAY (DRUNK) Fuck that. There’s a fit bird up there who’s so wet for me I can hear the waves breaking in her fanny. I’m gonna take her down the beach and fuck her brains out. WILL Right, well we’ve established that isn’t happening. JAY Fine, watch me. JAY holds the fishbowl in two hands and downs it. SIMON We’d better get Neil. WILL and SIMON and look over to see NEIL who is dancing incredibly close with one of the quite large middle-aged women. His shoulder is moving up and down. The boys approach and chat to him over her shoulder. WILL Neil, oh god, we're off. NEIL Right, won't be a minute, I'll just finish up here SIMON Christ Neil, what about Nicole? The WOMAN turns her head to talk look at SIMON and smiles. NEIL Ah she won’t mind, we're not kissing. WOMAN * Nah, it's just fingers in't it lover? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 43

WILL * Right. * NEIL * Yeah. I’ll catch you lot up, one second. We pull wider to see that NEIL has indeed got his hand up the woman’s skirt. Immediately after this last line he starts to move his hand at double the pace, speeding up the motion. WILL and SIMON look on appalled. SIMON He’s definitely picked up the pace. There’s a crash and the boys look over at JAY who is standing by an angry barman and a smashed bottle from the speed rail. * JAY (DRUNKENLY) I never fucking touched it.

33 EXT. MARCO’S CLUB - NIGHT 4 33 The boys walk out of the bar and back onto the street. WILL and SIMON are helping JAY walk a bit. JAY She’s going to suck my knob-knob dry, you watch. WILL I’d rather not watch if it’s all the same to you. NEIL jogs up to join them, wiping his hand on his trousers. Up ahead SIMON sees a CARLI look-a-like walk into a bar. SIMON Shit, was that Carli? JAY makes a lunge to hit SIMON in the balls, misses. WILL Look, Si, it’s normal that after a break-up you’ll think you see her everywhere, but she’s not here. SIMON Yeah, i s’pose. NEIL It could be her. SIMON What? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 44

NEIL Could be her. She is out here at the moment. SIMON What? NEIL Well we weren’t sure where the best place to go was, and her and her mates are pretty cool, so I arksed them where they was going, and when, and that’s why I booked Malia. SIMON You fucking idiot. I came away to try and get over her. NEIL Did ya? SIMON You know i did. NEIL Oh yeah, course. SIMON Oh god look at her, i have missed her. Do you think this is fate? Her being here, me being here? WILL No, i think Neil asked her where she was going and booked the same place, like he just said. Let’s go before she sees us. SIMON No. No, i’ve got to go and talk to her. If there’s even the slightest chance of us getting back together i’ve got to take it. SIMON rushes over to CARLI. * JAY walks up to the PR GIRL. * JAY Oi, baby, you stood me up. PR GIRL You didn't wait long enough sweetheart. JAY Come on kiss me. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 45

PR GIRL I'm working darling. JAY I love your boobs.

34 EXT. STRIP - NIGHT 4 34 SIMON walks up to CARLI who is standing with a couple of girlfriends, including RACHEL from school. SIMON Carli. CARLI Simon? Oh my god, what are you doing here? RACHEL Stalking you abroad. SIMON No, the opposite actually. It’s just a mix up by my friends. My stupid fucking idiot friends. CARLI Well, whatever, it’s great to see * you. SIMON Is it? CARLI Yeah. It is. Course. SIMON Course. So, as we’re here why don’t we hang out? How about right now? CARLI Now? Oh, i can’t now, but you’ll be on the boat party on Friday right? SIMON The boat party? I was literally just talking about the boat party. CARLI It’s gonna be amazing. The best way to round off the holiday. SIMON What? Why are you going? Don’t go. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 46

CARLI I’ve got to go, my flight leaves Saturday. The boat’s our last chance to party. SIMON Right. Well i’ll definitely be there then. For total, one million percent, definitely. CARLI Cool. It’ll be great to hang out again, I’ve missed you. SIMON Hmmmmmmm. Suddenly 2 speeding quad bikes hove into view and comes to a * stop behind SIMON. One it’s ridden by JAMES, a handsome young * Englishman. The other by one of his mates. JAMES slightly * overshoots the braking and the front wheel rams into SIMON’s calf. He goes down, crumpled in pain. SIMON (CONT’D) Arghhh, Jesus, fuck it. JAMES Oh shit, sorry mate. CARLI James. Are you OK Simon? SIMON stands up and attempts to brush the accident off even though he is weeping a bit. SIMON Oooh, I’m fine, urhh, I’ll walk it off. JAMES Yeah, cool. Come on Carls, we’ve gotta go. SIMON Oh, do you two know each other? CARLI Yeah, James is our rep. JAMES Rep, unofficial rep. I sort out club nights, do a bit of party organising, PR, just make sure everyone's having a good time, know what I mean? You sure you’re okay? SIMON Aaaaaaalllll gooood. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 47

JAMES Carli, let’s go. CARLI Bye Simon, see you on the boat. JAMES See you mate, mind that leg. CARLI hops on the back of the quad holding JAMES. RACHEL hops * on the back of JAMES’ mate’s bike. They speed off. There’s a * shout and SIMON turns to see JAY lunging for a snog and tit feel of the PR girl. All hell kicks loose as the PR GIRL shoves him off and starts shouting at him. SIMON speedily limps over.

35 EXT STRIP - NIGHT 4 35 PR GIRL What gives you the right to touch me you little fucking prick? JAY Eh? WILL steps in to help JAY. WILL Sorry. I think me might have had a little too much of the old drink. PR GIRL I'm sick of every dickhead thinking they get touching rights because I smiled at them. It's my fucking job you cretin. WILL Yes, well you're doing it fantastically well. You certainly tricked us. PR GIRL What? WILL Nothing. JAY Are you on the blob? The PR GIRL swings hard for JAY and slaps him across the cheeks. JAY (CONT’D) Sexy, i like it. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 48

WILL Shut up Jay. Time for bed. WILL drags him away. JAY Fuck that. You two can bum yourselves to death on the sofabed, I’m off for another drink. WILL Jay don’t be insane, you’re too drunk already. JAY I’m on fucking holiday, you can’t be too drunk. You coming Neil? NEIL Nah i like it in there. And the way i see it not sleeping for two nights is pretty much the same as not sleeping for one. JAY * Right, fine. * JAY stumbles off up the strip and NEIL heads back in to Marcos. SIMON looks round for CARLI, but she’s gone. WILL How was your chat? SIMON Amazing. Carli is here Will. This is what she was worried about us being apart, that’s why we split up. But we aren’t apart because we are both here. i just need to get on that boat. NEIL pops his head out again. NEIL Actually can one of you help me? I think she might be a two-man job. SIMON and WILL look at him, then walk off.

36 EXT/INT. APARTMENT - DAY 5 36 WILL and SIMON are asleep on the sofabed, WILL under a horrible looking blanket. It’s early but the sun is up and daylight fills the room through the almost transparent curtains. We hear some grunting and bed scraping noises. WILL stirs from his sleep, reaches and puts his glasses on. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 49

Now he’s aware of the additional growling and creaking noises from the bedroom. The door to the bedroom is closed but on the handle WILL can see NEIL’S white trilby hat. WILL Simon. SIMON. SIMON Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. Have you got any water? Beat as SIMON’s ears prick up at the bedroom noise SIMON (CONT’D) What the fuck is that noise? WILL (POINTING TO THE HAT) I think it’s Neil. SIMON No way? Oh no, not the dinner lady from last night? From inside the bedroom they can hear what sounds like a very gruff voiced northern woman ordering him around. WOMAN OOV Smooth me lover. NEIL OOV I can’t understand a thing you say. WOMAN OOV Spunk over me bastard tits. NEIL OOV Oh right. WILL Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas. * NEIL suddenly shouts at the top of his voice. NEIL O.S. Ooowwwww. WOMAN O.S. Fucking smack it. Smack it you little prick. We hear a slap. WILL and SIMON look a bit freaked out. WOMAN OOV Is that all you've got? Harder. NEIL OOV Shall I bite it? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 50

WILL Interesting question. SIMON This is beyond creepy. WOMAN OOV Bite it… spit on it... twist it right fucking off… * WILL Okay, i’m getting out of here. As the noises continue WILL and SIMON head onto the balcony.

37 EXT. BOY’S HOTEL BALCONY - DAY 5 37 WILL and SIMON are sitting on the balcony, SIMON is playing cards, WILL is going through his wallet. WILL How can i have spent a hundred euros? Holy shit, I’ve only budgeted fifteen euros a day. SIMON It doesn’t matter how broke we are because Carli is here. WILL It does matter, because i’ve spunked all my money in one night. NEIL suddenly slides back the patio doors and steps out. He’s naked apart from a towel around his waist, and you can clearly see the outline of his erection. NEIL Alright? WILL Oh, jesus Neil. NEIL Don’t worry about that, it’s on the * way down. You seen Jay? SIMON Shit, no, not since last night. NEIL No, i mean you seen him. He’s over there. There is a figure passed out in front of the apartments next to the well. The GREEK MAN walks past it (carrying some clear plastic bags full of meat) and rolls it over with his foot. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 51

It’s JAY, who moans then rolls back over onto his face. The three boys get up and rush over to JAY.

38 EXT. BOY’S APARTMENT - DAY 5 38 They arrive at JAY just as he is stirring. Where he has been lying his face is half covered in red clay. SIMON You alright mate? JAY (RUBBING HIS CHEEK) Uuurrgghh. Face. NEIL Yeah, you got something on your face. JAY lifts his head and it’s covered in ants and bites, and the mound has lots of angry red ants on it. WILL It appears Jay’s slept face down in an ants nest. JAY Pain. Tongue. SIMON laughs. As JAY nurses his wounds they hear a door slam. * They turn and see a very ropey looking woman appearing from * the hotel entrance. She’s in last night’s make up and has a fag on. She looks over to the boys, they stand there staring. No one responds. NEIL’S WOMAN It’s alright boys, kitty don’t bite. Not now she’s been fed anyway, eh lover? With a wink to Neil she disappears into the rising sun. BEAT JAY What the fuck was that?

39 EXT. BEACHFRONT CAFE - DAY 5 39 The four boys are sat on plastic furniture in a cafe overlooking the port, near the strip. It has pictures of the food plastered everywhere - full english, cottage pie, sausage, chips, kebabs, chicken tikka masala etc. Jay’s bites are all down the left side of his face, torso and left leg. He’s counting them. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 52

JAY ...sixty five, sixty six, sixty seven, sixty eight fucking bites. * A GREEK WAITER lays down a plate with a single tiny piece of toast on it and a horribly burnt fried egg on top. WILL Oh sorry, I asked for two poached * eggs. GREEK WAITER Is poached, look. WILL No this is fried and an egg, singular. GREEK WAITER Yes poached. I promise with all my heart. WILL So you’re promising me with all your heart that this is two poached eggs? GREEK WAITER Yes. Burger? JAY That’s mine, ta. The GREEK WAITER leaves. NEIL Oi, i’m starving, where’s my bacon sandwich? JAY I thought you’d have eaten enough pig last night. SIMON Mate what where you thinking? NEIL I dunno. She was saying all this dirty stuff and she looked a bit like Will's mum so I thought why not? WILL She didn’t look like my mum Neil. * NEIL She did a bit. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 53

WILL No, she did not. JAY I bet she did when she had his cock in her mouth. WILL Brilliant. SIMON Don’t you feel bad about Nicole? NEIL Who? SIMON Nicole. The girlfriend that you've just cheated on. NEIL Oh, nah. Nah, only the tip went in. * Any more than the tip is cheating, and i’d never do that, cos i’ve got * ethics. SIMON downs his tea and gets up. SIMON Right, well see you lot later. JAY Where you going? SIMON I’m going to find those girls. Lucy said her rep still had some boat party tickets left. JAY (SARCASTICALLY) Oh right, that’s an interesting * story. SIMON Well it is actually, because guess who’s going to be there? Carli. Ow. SIMON gets a slap in the balls from JAY who is holding his burger in the other hand. SIMON (CONT’D) Look, she asked me to the party, she said she missed me. There’s got to be a chance she’s... NEIL ...on all fours sucking that bloke off? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 54

SIMON No. It means there’s a chance she wants us to get back together. What bloke? JAY You’re meant to be here to forget about Carli. NEIL slaps him in the balls. JAY (CONT’D) Ow, not me Neil. WILL I’ll help you find them Si, they were fun, it’ll be good to see them again. Alison was nice. JAY Only you could get a hard-on about a girl who’s fucking someone else. SIMON Great, cool. As we’re here let’s start at the beach. JAY Fine, fuckit, i’ll help. They shouldn’t be too hard to find, you can probably spot the lardarse i got stuck with from outer space. WILL Neil? NEIL Can’t. Had a nightmare, Left my trunks in England didn’t i? SIMON So you were planning to spend two weeks on holiday never swimming? JAY Just wear your Calvins, they’re practically the same. NEIL Can i Will? WILL Yes, i suppose. NEIL And can i bring a ball? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 55

WILL Yes Neil, yes you can. But seriously no swimming til an hour * after we’ve eaten.

40 EXT. BEACH FRONT - DAY 5 40 The four boys are making their way along the crowded beach, all in swimming trunks with towels. SIMON is looking around earnestly, the others are open mouthed. They have spotted a number of topless women. NEIL Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. JAY Nice, classic. SIMON What? Oh wow. WILL This is incredible, they're everywhere. JAY I’m in tit heaven. NEIL I’m doing a thing where i look, but look like i’m not looking. SIMON What's going on, i mean why are they all topless? WILL If it’s bothering you we can ask them to put their tops back on? SIMON I'm not complaining, I'm just saying why? When did someone decide that this was totally fine? WILL I don’t know. SIMON Because it is totally fine. BEAT as the boys take it all in again. JAY Right, um, i’m going in the sea. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 56

WILL I think we should find the girls, first, that’s what we’re here for. JAY Nope. I’m going in right now. JAY rushes into the sea with his hands over his crotch. SIMON Oh shit, me too. SIMON follows JAY. NEIL starts to remove his jogging bottoms. WILL Come on guys, grow up. Oh Neil not you too? NEIL Nah, I need a toilet. NEIL strips to his white Calvin Klein pants and runs in. WILL stands for a beat, looks around, then runs and dives into the turquoise waters, soaking a couple of older bathers.

41 EXT. THE BEACH - IN THE SEA - DAY 5 41 The four boys are up to their waists in the sea playing a game of headers with a ball. They are genuinely having fun. WILL It’s lovely, like a bath. I never realised the Mediterranean got this warm. NEIL I think you might be standing in my wake mate. WILL Neil are you pissing? NEIL No. Not any more. WILL Neil. * WILL shuffles a few feet round, trying to avoid NEIL. * SIMON Can you see them anywhere? JAY Just look for a group of girls with a pet elephant. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 57

NEIL She had a pretty face. JAY That’s what they say about all fat girls, Neil. SIMON Why are you so nasty about Jane, is * it cos she likes you? JAY Fuck off. WILL Look, are we going to play or not? JAY Ooooh play. WILL Yes, that’s the correct verb. NEIL Oooh, verb. WILL Yep, also correct. As JAY holds the ball, JAMES, who has walked down the beach with his mates, shouts over at them. JAMES Oi lads. Ball. Ball. JAY looks at the others. He’s clearly unsure what to do. WILL Is that Carli’s friend? SIMON He’s her rep, don’t think they’re really friends. JAMES Come on mate, ball. On me head. JAY looks at WILL, then the others nervously before throwing the ball to JAMES. JAMES catches it, tucks it under his arm, and walks off with his mates pissing themselves laughing. JAMES (CONT’D) Oh cheers fellas. BEAT WILL Good. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 58

JAY sees JANE waving at him. She’s heading over. JANE Hello boys. JAY Oh no. JANE Morning lads, thought it was you. What’s happened to your face Jay? Jay doesn’t respond. JANE (CONT’D) Jay? JAY It’s a food allergy. JANE I could do with one of those. Maybe an iced bun allergy. NEIL (LAUGHING) You could, yeah. Good one. SIMON I’m trying to find Lucy Jane, is she around? JANE They’re still in bed sleeping off the fishbowls. I snuck out for a fry-up, naughty, but we’re staying at the Palace, so why don’t you pop along later? SIMON Brilliant, we definitely will. JANE Cool. Now do you want me to go and get your ball back off the nasty big boys Jay? The boys all look at JAY who remains sulkily silent. WILL Yes please.

42 EXT. THE PALACE HOTEL POOL - DAY 5 42 WILL, NEIL, JAY and SIMON arrive at a hotel complex. There's a really big pool, and it's clearly a nice family resort. They look a little out of place. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 59

NEIL It’s important we find somewhere to sit where we get the best view of boobies. WILL Or indeed, find anywhere at all to sit. It is very busy. Neil gestures to four beds with towels right next to the pool. NEIL What about here? WILL They've got towels on them Neil. NEIL So? WILL That means people have bagsied them, we can't take those. JAY Fuck that. JAY goes to move the towels off the beds. WILL No, Jay, we can't. JAY Watch me. It's probably a load of Krauts who got down early in the morning to reserve them. SIMON This towel's got Finding Nemo on it. JAY So what, Nazis can like Disney too. And with that JAY grabs the towels and chucks them into the middle of the pool. WILL Jay. JAY And besides, I really need a lie- * down. My head’s more fucked than * Neil’s Dad’s arsehole. * NEIL * Behave. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 59A

Other holidaymakers with children wince at JAY’s vulgarity. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 60

43 EXT. POOL COMPLEX - DAY 5 43 The four boys are lying on their sunbeds. JAY has huge headphones on, WILL is reading, lying on his back. NEIL * Lying down’s boring, innit? Who * fancies a walk? Check out the * chicas? * He laughs, WILL winces. * SIMON * Not me, I don’t want to miss Lucy. * NEIL * Will? Chicas? * WILL * I would come check out the chicas * Neil, but I’m at a really good bit * in my book. * NEIL * Is it the pop-up bit? * WILL * No. * JAY * Your choice Professor Brain, but * i’m telling you words never porked * anyone. * JAY and NEIL walk off. * WILL * True in a way. Simon, will you do * my back? SIMON No. WILL No? SIMON I don’t want to touch you. WILL Don’t be stupid, just put the suncream on please. SIMON Um, no. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 61

WILL Unbelievable. I’ll do it myself then. WILL struggles to rub the lotion into his back. He ends up with a few blotches in places. SIMON watches WILL struggling and spots an opportunity. SIMON Look, alright, I’ll do it with one finger, that’s not gay. WILL Thank you. SIMON rubs it all in with one finger, then starts to scrape a a massive spunking cock shape into the cream. WILL (CONT’D) Make sure you do it properly. SIMON I am, but it’s a bit of a mess. You’ve got too much here, and here, i’ll scrape it off. Nearly there. Right, all done. WILL Thank you, that wasn’t so bad was * it? SIMON No, no, that was fine.

44 EXT. GIRLS HOTEL - DAY 5 44 NEIL and JAY are in their shades walking round the pool. NEIL is very white apart from his orange hands and face. JAY is covered in ant bites and wearing a pair of Man Utd football shorts shifts awkwardly, pulling at the shorts in his arse a bit making him look even less attractive. NEIL You alright? JAY Yeah, it’s just that twenty Euros. NEIL spots a couple of girls at the poolside bar sipping drinks and nudges JAY. The girls do a double take at the sight of them. NEIL notices, but thinks it’s in a good way. NEIL Aye aye Jay, here we go, we’ve been spotted. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 62

JAY Seen em. Look cool. They walk with even more of a strut, then a small chubby GREEK KID comes over to JAY and runs around him, pointing and giggling at his shorts. KID Manchester, Manchester. JAY Who’s this little twat? KID You from Manchester, you like Manchester JAY Yeah, yeah, near Manchester. NEIL No you aren’t. JAY Shut up Neil, the birds are loving it. KID Goooooaaallllll. It’s true that the girls are watching him play with the kid, so he starts to play along back a bit. JAY Goal, goal to Manchester, yeah. He goes to walk off, but the kid’s not stopped playing. He starts to kick Jay a bit. KID Oh, Manchester, foul. The kid tries to tackle JAY, stopping him from walking by. JAY Yeah, yeah hilarious. Get out the way now. Everyone round the pool is looking and enjoying the game. JAY definitely isn't, though can't be seen not to be, so makes a dash to get past the kid on the inside. The kid shoves JAY and he goes flying into the pool. JAY (CONT’D) Right, you're fucking dead you little shit. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 63

JAY clambers out, furious, and is about to chase after the kid but NEIL stops him. The kid runs off, giggling. NEIL * Mate, leave it. The chicas are looking. Just laugh it off. This is true, everyone is watching. JAY is trying to calm down, but inside he's raging. There’s a beat and then he laughs, really falsely for far, far too long.

45 EXT. POOL AREA - DAY 5 45 SIMON and WILL are lying on their sunbeds, WILL is reading and SIMON listening to his ipod with his eyes closed. WILL’s sun is blocked. WILL No, I'm fine for drinks thanks. ALISON coughs to attract WILL’s attention. He looks up and * sees ALISON, looking rather fantastic in sunglasses, bikini top and sarong. She has JANE, LISA and LUCY in tow. WILL (CONT’D) Oh, Alison, hello. ALISON Hello. You know you’ve got a spunking cock on your back? WILL What, oh no. SIMON starts laughing. WILL (CONT’D) Thanks Simon, very funny, very mature. So i’ve been lying here with a cock on my back have i? SIMON Not for the first time. LUCY laughs at SIMON. SIMON sees her laughing. ALISON I’ll burn a muff on my tit if it makes you feel less self-conscious. WILL It would actually, we’d make quite the pair. JANE throws her bag down by JAY’s lounger and rolls onto it. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 64

LUCY (IMPRESSED) You’ve got a really good spot here. SIMON Yes, Jay, um, sorted them. JANE Did he use some of his boyish * charm? * WILL In a way, yes. JANE Well I’m sure he won’t mind if I make myself comfortable. LISA sits down next to her on NEIL’s bed. * LUCY I think i might start drinking again, anyone fancy joining me? SIMON Um, yeah, i’ll come with you. LUCY Oh, lucky me. LUCY and SIMON walk off to towards the bar. ALISON I’m knackered. * ALISON flops down on SIMON’s bed, next to WILL. * WILL Fishbowl hangover? * ALISON No, Nicos was over last night. WILL Does not stop talking? ALISON No, we were having sex. WILL Right. ALISON Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable when I mention sex? WILL No it's good, it’s great that you’re so... sexually active. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 65

ALISON Yeah, I suppose it is. What's the best sex you've ever had Will? WILL Well, hard to say really. ALISON Come on, you can tell me. WILL Oh, I don’t like to sex and tell. ALISON Don’t be boring, tell me. WILL Look I’m going to level with you, I have never put my penis in a lady. ALISON That’s alright, you’re a virgin, that's cool. WILL Shh, let’s not mention the v word. And it’s definitely not cool, if anything it’s famously uncool. ALISON Well, it’s cute then. WILL Oh god, that’s even worse. ALISON laughs. ALISON You're funny Will. WILL Well that’s something. Can i get a girl into bed, for sex, just by making her laugh? ALISON Yes, of course. WILL Wow, great. ALISON If she’s a clinical moron.

46 EXT. POOL AREA - DAY 5 46 SIMON and LUCY are walking round the pool over to the bar. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 66

SIMON Lucy, it’s so amazing to see you. LUCY What a welcome, nice to see you too. SIMON Yeah, good. Now can you still get boat party tickets? LUCY I’d have thought so, i just have to go and find the rep. So you’re coming along then? SIMON Yes, of course. It’ll be amazing. LUCY Great. SIMON (CARRYING ON) Because Carli’s here, in Malia and she’s going to be on the boat tomorrow. If I can just get five minutes alone with her i know we’ll fix things up. It’s fate. So can you go and get those tickets? BEAT LUCY You really know how to make a girl feel special don’t you? SIMON Yeah I know, Carli is going to love it. Can you hurry up? LUCY trudges off to inside the hotel reception. CUT TO:

47 EXT. POOL AREA - DAY 5 47 NEIL goes over to LISA. JAY is still scowling a bit as he * sits down on his towel, next to JANE. NEIL Do you want to play bat and ball? LISA nods. * NEIL strips down to his white Calvins again. LISA looks surprised to see him in pants. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 67

NEIL (CONT’D) Forgot my trunks. LISA nods acceptance and they head to the pool. JANE I don’t think much of your diving ability Jay. I’d give you one. JAY What? JANE Out of ten. JAY Yeah, funny. Can you move, you're blocking the sun? Just then the GREEK KID from earlier comes up holding a child's bucket that has some water in it. He threatens to throw some on JAY. JAY (CONT’D) Oh, leave it out you little prick. JANE Do you want me to protect you from him too? The KID just gets more excited and splashes a little water on JAY'S chest. JANE laughs. JAY Right, that’s it. JAY goes mental and runs after the kid, chasing him round the pool. The kid clearly thinks it’s a game, JAY doesn’t. As he bolts after the kid he passes a MIDDLE AGED MAN who is marching up to WILL and the others. He is clearly pissed off. MAN Oi. These are our sunbeds, where’s our towels? WILL (under his breath) Oh good. ALISON There weren’t any towels when we arrived and we’ve been here for the last hour. MAN I didn’t ask to read your fucking diary love, I said where’s our towels. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 68

WILL Now there’s no need to be abusive. If you look around there are signs everywhere saying you can’t reserve sunbeds. MAN So you moved our towels? WILL The point I’m making is that whatever the fate of the towels, these cannot be ‘your’ beds. MAN What have you done with my fucking towels? HOTEL STAFF MEMBER (TO WILL) Sir, I get you some other beds, please take up your stuff. WILL Me? What? Why should we move? Because he made a scene? Because his family are too lazy to walk twenty feet to the pool? MAN Seriously mate, I’m warning you. HOTEL STAFF MEMBER I find you nice other beds. WILL Why have a rule if you aren’t going to enforce it? The signs are redundant. Nearby, in the shallow end, what must be the ANGRY MAN’s WIFE is fishing out their towels. She’s with a young girl who is in a wheelchair and looks like she might have CP. NEIL is helping push the towels towards the mother, and picking up another couple. As the young girl looks at the soaking wet Finding Nemo towel she bursts into tears. The ANGRY MAN has seen this, as has WILL and the HOTEL MANAGER. SIMON has returned with some drinks in time to see the colour drain from WILL’s cheeks. WILL (CONT’D) Disabled. Course she is. MAN Happy now? WILL Well obviously not. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 69

NEIL gets out the pool and goes to hand the towels over, but his Calvins are now completely see-through and the girl screams even more. NEIL looks round, wondering what’s up. WILL (CONT’D) And that’s not helping. ANGRY MAN You lot have got five seconds to get off my sunbeds. ALISON Come on Will, we’ll find somewhere else. WILL But I still don’t see why we should move. Yes his daughter has a serious condition but it’s not like the whole family are therefore entitled to poolside seats for life. Plus strictly speaking, she doesn’t even need another chair. There’s a beat as everyone in the area looks at WILL following his outburst. HOTEL STAFF MEMBER Okay, you’re moving. The moment is punctured by a child’s screaming. On the far side of the pool JAY has caught the tubby kid and is about to throw him in. The kid is crying, and everyone looks round. GREEK KID No, I no swim. No swim. Please mister, no swim, i beg you. JAY Well unlucky. * The KID really screams and suddenly JAY is aware of everyone looking at him. He puts the kid down, ruffling his hair. JAY (CONT’D) Alright, alright, it was a joke. We're mates. The KID smiles and then quickly nips behind JAY, pulls his swimming trunks down and points. Everyone laughs as JAY covers his minute cock. We also see a glimpse of the pubic hair he trimmed earlier. It’s in the shape of an arrow pointing down (or something). After this beat, JAY pushes the kid in the water, and the kid sinks. He’s fully sunk now and isn’t moving. People start jumping in. JAY looks awkward. We cut back to WILL and SIMON at the sunbeds. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 70

HOTEL STAFF MEMBER Are you guests at this hotel? The HOTEL STAFF MEMBER whistles for security and points out WILL, SIMON, NEIL and JAY. The girls look on, mortified. WILL Great.

48 EXT. MALIA STRIP - DAY 5 48 We pick up the boys traipsing along the daytime strip SIMON Thanks a lot Jay. JAY Me? What have I done? SIMON Oh i don’t know? Oh yeah, fucked everything up for me like you always do. JAY I had to teach him a lesson Si, he was mugging me off. SIMON He was nine years old and couldn’t swim. Now my life is ruined, thanks. JAY Is this about the tickets? Oh, boo hoo hoo. So you don’t get to go on the boat party, so what? SIMON So i don’t get back together with the woman i love. JAY Ooh, love. It’s not my fault Carli thinks you’re a prick. You want to watch me more closely mate, you might learn something. SIMON Oh and what would i learn? How to bullshit about having sex? How to sleep in an ants nest? How to be scared shitless of my dad? NEIL Come on Si, calm down. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 71

JAY Maybe you’d learn not to be such a massive tool over that miserable cunt? SIMON Don’t call Carli a cunt. JAY slaps SIMON in the balls and then SIMON goes for him. There's some shoving then JAY swings at SIMON, SIMON swings back but they both miss, and they end up grappling each other on the floor, grabbing each other round the neck. It's like a * very slow, and very determined wrestling match, and it's more of an embarrassing stalemate than a fight. People are walking by, laughing. JAY Have you had enough yet? SIMON Have you had enough yet? JAY I asked first. WILL and NEIL watch this going on far too long, their conversation continues as JAY and SIMON grapple. WILL We should do something. NEIL Yeah. Do you wanna go get a Subway? WILL I meant do something about the fight. We should break it up. NEIL Oh right. WILL And by ‘we’ I mean you. NEIL Yeah. Alright, come on you two. SIMON (DRAGGED OFF BY WILL) I'm sick of his bollocks. I'm going to fucking do him. WILL (HOLDING SIMON BACK) Come on calm down. JAY makes sure he’s a safe distance from SIMON before speaking. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 72

JAY Ooh, you're hard Si. I didn't see you do me just now? SIMON Come back here then you prick. WILL (TAKING SIMON AWAY) Let's go for a walk. JAY Oooh don’t cry Si. SIMON I’m not crying. You’re crying. JAY Don’t look like it. You’re crying. SIMON Come on then. NEIL takes JAY one way and WILL takes SIMON the other. NEIL See you later then Will. As they walk apart we see them separated into pairs, a lonely moment for the film. This is the moment the audience dread.

49 INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY 5 49 SIMON and WILL are back at the shitty apartment. SIMON is throwing clothes into his suitcase. SIMON Honestly, I'm done with that arsehole. I mean why do I even hang round with him? WILL Well, yeah, I mean, obviously we all wonder that at times. Look, it's been a tough couple of days, the Carli thing is weird, but just because you've had a fight with Jay you don't have to leave. SIMON I'm not leaving. WILL But you are aware you’re packing your suitcase? * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 73

50 INT. ARCADE MALIA - DAY 5 50 JAY and NEIL are in the arcade playing on a boxing game. JAY's face is contorted as he hits the bag as hard as possible. It doesn't register very high on the machine. JAY I've never liked him. NEIL But you've been mates since first school. JAY He's a little cry-baby poof. And his hair? Everyone took the piss out of that, but I didn't. Not me. I fucking wish I had now. NEIL You did a bit. JAY Yeah, of course, a bit, but not enough. He's a total twat. NEIL Oh that's harsh mate. He can be a knob, but he's not a twat.

51 INT BOYS APARTMENT - DAY 5 51 SIMON is zipping up his case. * SIMON * I’m going to sell my clothes. * WILL * Oh, you’re having a breakdown. * SIMON * She means so much to me Will, i don’t care about anything else. If I can get enough money together then I can buy a ticket for the * boat party off someone, somehow, * whatever it costs. Money is all I need. WILL I agree we need money, but who’s going to buy your clothes? You dress appallingly. SIMON Are you going to help or just constantly undermine me? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 74

WILL Bit of both, I’d imagine. * SIMON Fine. They start walking towards the door, SIMON lugging the case. WILL Do you think Alison likes me? CUT TO:

52 INT ARCADE - DAY 5 52 JAY Thirteen years he's been dragging me down. Well fuck him. As they leave the arcade JAY pulls out two large tickets. NEIL What's that? JAY Boat party tickets. I got four the other night before i passed out. Cost a fortune but I thought I'd surprise him. Well here’s his fucking surprise. JAY goes to tear up the tickets. NEIL No, Jay, don't. JAY Fuck him and fuck that dick Will too. JAY tears up two tickets into tiny pieces and scatters them to the wind. He's almost got tears in his eyes, and he and NEIL watch them blow away down the strip. There’s a BEAT. NEIL What shall we do now then? JAY Now we have the best holiday ever and do what we came here to do. NEIL Get better at swimming? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 75

JAY No. Go on pussssaaay patrol. CUT TO:

53 EXT. MALIA STREET - DAY 5 53 SIMON and WILL are standing in the street, it's very hot. Laid out in front of them on the ground are a selection of SIMON's clothes and shoes. People are walking up and down it, casting curious glances, but no-one is stopping to buy. SIMON * is fussing about with the clothes, making the scene even * weirder. * SIMON * Do i look mental? * WILL * Oh you? Yeah you look mental, one * hundred percent mental. * A group of hard looking men approach, all muscles, tattoos * and shaved heads, slightly the worse for drink. They look like squaddies who wouldn’t fit in any of SIMON’s clothes. HARD BLOKE Alright, what’s all this then? What are you, a pikey? A beggar? His mates all laugh. SIMON Ha, no, just selling clothes for money. Need money really. The HARD BLOKE gets out a huge roll of bills. HARD BLOKE What money like this? You're desperate for money like this? SIMON Um, yep, I am. WILL I'm not sure any of these clothes are your size, maybe you should try somewhere else? Another beggar? SIMON Shut up Will. WILL I'm just saying we operate a no returns policy. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 76

HARD BLOKE Tell your boyfriend I'll take everything for fifty euros. SIMON Um, yeah, great, alright. SIMON eagerly starts to pack up the clothes on the floor. He starts handing them to the Hard Bloke. The Hard Bloke indicates the shirt SIMON has on. HARD BLOKE And your t-shirt. SIMON What? HARD BLOKE I want that t-shirt. And your shorts. SIMON Oh, well, what i’m wearing isn’t really for sale. HARD BLOKE I thought we had a deal? Everything for fifty euros. SIMON Yeah, but then I'll have no clothes on. HARD BLOKE He's fucking sharp this one isn't he? There's no fooling this tosser is there? Take them off. His mates laugh. SIMON reluctantly takes his t-shirt and shorts off, and stands there with just his pants on. HARD BLOKE (CONT’D) And I'll take the pants too. SIMON Ha, good one. HARD BLOKE Are you taking the piss? We agreed everything, now i fucking want everything. WILL Look, I know all about beasting and Deepcut and toilet brushes up the anus and everything like that, so please just promise you're not going to rape him. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 77

HARD BLOKE Are you calling me queer? WILL Good enough. Simon, give him your pants. SIMON looks around and takes his pants off and hands them over. The HARD BLOKE takes them, then pisses himself laughing, as do all his mates. HARD BLOKE Oh, one last thing. SIMON What? HARD BLOKE Lend us fifty euros. Cheers mate. He snatches the money out of SIMON's hand, and walks off leaving SIMON with nothing but shoes and socks on. WILL At least he didn't rape you. SIMON Yes. I feel very lucky. CUT TO:

54 INT. TATTOO PARLOUR, MALIA - DAY 5 54 NEIL is sitting in tattooist chair, whilst a Greek tattooist is busy on his back. JAY and NEIL both have beers on the go, JAY is sitting facing NEIL (so he can't see what's going on). TATTOOISTS Nearly finish. JAY Does it hurt? NEIL Yeah. It’s like stubbing your toe really badly, for ages, on a massive needle. JAY Be worth it though, what could be cooler than getting our names tattooed on each other? NEIL So we’re like blood brothers? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 78

JAY Exactly. Plus we’ll always have a reminder of how we had the best holiday ever with out those two dicks. TATTOOIST Finish. You like? He shows NEIL in the mirror. It says Gay Neil Malia NEIL Oh what? JAY Fucking hell, gay Neil? TATTOOIST No, is Jay. NEIL That says gay mate. TATTOOIST No, is ‘Jay’. Look. He writes Jay on a bit of paper. His Js look exactly like Gs. NEIL Oh mate. How long before it wears off then? TATTOOIST Is forever. NEIL Oh no. Your turn then Jay. JAY Fuck off. NEIL But I thought we were blood brothers? JAY We are, but i am not getting Gay Neil tattooed on my back. Look, when we get back to England I'll chip in to get it changed. NEIL To a tiger? JAY If you want. Come on. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 79

55 EXT. MALIA STREET - EVENING 5 55 WILL and SIMON are walking down the road looking morose. They are attracting quite a few stares and laughs because SIMON is wearing WILL's t-shirt as a pair of shorts and WILL has no top on, thus showing off his spunking cock sunburn. It's early, so it's not that busy, with the exception of one noisy bar where a large crowd has gathered. WILL Oh good a crowd of people, i hope they spot us looking like this. SIMON Nothing they say can make me feel worse. WILL Well, we’ll see won’t we. But as they walk past the crowd no-one turns round or takes the piss at all. No-one even looks their way. WILL (CONT’D) Hmm, interesting. They walk to the edge of the crowd and look into the bar. A man is standing on the table with his shirt off and a tie tied round his head. He has a yard of ale in each hand. He's massive, it's MR GILBERT. On his enormous torso is written 'Stags Malia 2011'. The crowd are chanting as he downs the the first yard and then the second in quick succession. He lifts his hands triumphantly to acknowledge the cheers. SIMON and WILL look at each other scared and impressed. WILL (EXCITEDLY SHOUTING OUT) (CONT’D) Mr Gilbert! Mr Gilbert! Phil! GILBERT is taking the cheers, laughing, then he clocks the boys. He makes eye contact, puts a finger to his lips in the universal 'shush' sign. WILL and SIMON laugh and start to approach, then GILBERT wags his finger at them before drawing his finger across his throat. WILL and SIMON look a bit disturbed. GILBERT repeats the throat cut and they leg it. GILBERT goes back to accepting the cheers. WILL (CONT’D) He’s very different out of school.

56 INT. BUSY SUPER CLUB MALIA - NIGHT 5 56 NEIL and JAY are all dressed up in their pussy patrol t- shirts in a large club (they’ve also got a checked shirt and a hoodie with them). On the podiums there are sexy dancers writhing around, people drinking, dancing on the bars etc. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 80

It's crazy, like the strip forced into a bar, and they are a little bit out of their depth as they walk through. NEIL This place is mental. JAY It's decadent Neil, that's what they call it. This is what we came here for. You'd never see those other two muppets in a place like this, they'd shit their pants and run away. As they settle by one of the podium the lights change and a guy steps in to the spotlight on the top of the podium. ANNOUNCER (OOV) And now all the way from Privilege in Ibiza, we have a very very special act. JAY Probably some fit dancer who'll take one look at me and bang me all night. NEIL Yeah, and we've got the best view. I bet you'll be able to see right up the snatch from here. JAY This is it Neil, this is a fucking holiday. The crowd start to cheer as a guy gets on the podium. He's very muscley and flexible and well-oiled. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen welcome ‘Fernando’. JAY Alright, well must be a like cagefighter or martial arts thing. NEIL nods happily. The crowd are going mental as the bloke is flexing and stretching, and the boys are trying to seem as enthusiastic. The guy gets on his back, then he pulls down his (already quite small) shorts and NEIL and JAY get a very good view of his arsehole. NEIL Wooh. The guy then starts to suck his own cock to huge cheers from the audience. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 81

NEIL (CONT’D) Is this a bit gay? JAY Nah, it's decadent. BEAT NEIL I don't know if I like decadent things.

57 EXT. BEACH WALL - NIGHT 5 57 SIMON and WILL are sitting on the beach wall along a quiet stretch of the promenade having changed. SIMON obviously wearing NEIL’s white top and trousers. WILL offers an almost empty packet of TUC crackers to SIMON. WILL Last two, shall we pretend they’re pudding? BEAT * SIMON I think this might be the worst holiday ever. Then a figure appears out the darkness next to them. RICHARD Alright fellas. Romantic dinner is it, yeah? I’ve just had a mare, right. Some massive bodybuilding geezer came running at me out the bushes, god knows why. Anyway I've lamped him, he's gone flying and I think I might have killed him. SIMON God, should we call an ambulance? RICHARD Nah, leave it. I can do without the fuzz crawling down my neck. WILL Ok, well it’s been lovely to chat Richard. RICHARD Can you lend us fifty quid? WILL Um, no. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 82

RICHARD Simple and clear. Thirty? WILL No, we’re going. SIMON Are we? Where? WILL Bar I know. See you later Richard. * WILL and SIMON get up and make a sharp exit sharp exit, * leaving RICHARD standing and shouting after them * RICHARD * Ten? Ten? Ten? Ten? Ten? Ten? *

58 INT. SUPERCLUB - NIGHT 5 58 NEIL and JAY are at the bar. JAY spots JAMES and his mates who are being boisterous nearby. Beer is getting chucked everywhere, a few other clubbers look a bit pissed off at getting sprayed. It looks a laugh, and they are clearly the alpha males in the club. JAY Here look, that's that James bloke Carli's sucking off. NEIL Oh yeah. JAY See, that's a proper laugh. Neil, I think it's time the pussy patrol recruited some new members. JAY leads NEIL over to JAMES and his gang. JAY (CONT’D) Alright mate. JAMES looks suspiciously at JAY, taking in his Pussy Patrol t- shirt. JAMES Do I know you? JAY Yeah, we're mates of Carli's. JAMES Oh yeah, Carli-cling-on. Nice girl, bit keen. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 83

JAY Yeah, our mate’s in love with her the fucking dick. JAMES Is he? Well tell him if he’s lucky i might let him have a sniff of these then. JAMES raises his fingers on his right hand, his mates laugh. NEIL leans in, surreptitiously, and flares his nostrils. JAY He’s not really a mate, we ditched him, he's too tragic. Wicked place this, nice vibe. JAMES What, you think a bloke sucking his own cock is wicked? Are you bent? JAMES is showing off to his mates now, who laugh again. JAY Nah. Course not, we're the pussy patrol. JAMES Pussy patrol? More like the bumming brigade. The only pussy you'll get will be a cat. He laughs, and his mates don’t so he tries to gee them up into laughing more. JAMES (CONT’D) Oi, i said the only pussy they'll get will be a cat. Like them stray cats you get round here. NEIL Good one. JAMES Fuck you, you lanky prick. You two are fucking me off, now get out of my face. JAY Nah, come on, we're having a laugh, we're alright here. JAMES (GRABBING JAY BY THE NECK) You're not fucking alright anywhere, you scrawny little cunt. Now fuck off before I put a glass in your throat. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 84

JAY scampers off and NEIL follows him. NEIL Are you alright Jay? JAY (ALMOST CRYING) Yep. NEIL Are you crying? JAY No. It's the smoke in here. NEIL There isn't any. JAY That's what I mean. BEAT NEIL Do you want to go somewhere not decadent? CUT TO:

59 INT. MARCOS - NIGHT 5 59 It's still shit and empty, WILL and SIMON are at the bar. they both down a shot. WILL And that's it. That Jagermeister and those TUC biscuits represented * the absolute last of our money. SIMON Right, so what happens now? It’s probably a bit too far for my dad to come and pick us up. JAY and NEIL walk down the stairs, JAY goes to leave after he spots SIMON, but NEIL leads him in. SIMON (CONT'D) Oh great. WILL Be nice, maybe he's come to apologise? NEIL Alright? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 85

SIMON We’re just leaving actually. SIMON starts to move off. JAY Oh, don't cry Simon. SIMON I'm not crying. NEIL Nah Jay, it was you was crying, remember? JAY Neil. NEIL Come on Si, sit down and let's all share a fishbowl. WILL We're totally out of cash. SIMON Yeah, we're not all lucky enough to have had a relative die. JAY Well you’re clearly fucked without * me, so I was going to offer to pay for your drinks. But if you're going to be a baby, then fuck it. WILL Were you really? JAY I'm not arsed either way, but if i have to, yeah. WILL Si? BEAT SIMON Alright. Thank you Jay. WILL Shake? SIMON and JAY shake hands. NEIL Group hug? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 86

They all have a big hug in the bar. WILL looks at his hand. WILL Neil, are you bleeding?

60 INT. MARCOS - NIGHT 5 60 The bar is still empty, but the four boys are all enjoying themselves now and having a laugh. JAY Go on Neil, one more suicide shot. NEIL Fucking hell. NEIL gets a tequila shot, snorts the salt off his hand, drinks the tequila and then squeezes the lime into his eye. NEIL (CONT’D) Aaargh. Right, tenner please. JAY Had my fingers crossed mate. NEIL Oh, not again. The others laugh, NEIL is squinting badly. Just then LUCY, ALISON, LISA and JANE walk in and are coming over. WILL Oh my god, I never expected to see them again. SIMON Doesn’t matter though does it cos even if Lucy can get a boat party * ticket, i can’t afford one. WILL No, but incredible as it may seem Simon i wasn’t thinking about you. JANE Hi guys. Taking a break from drowning children? WILL We are, and welcome back to Malia’s least cool bar. We’re regulars, obviously, but surprised to see you here again. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 87

ALISON It's the only place we've been where the blokes weren't total animals. WILL I'll take that as a compliment. Hello by the way. ALISON Hello spectacles. JANE We're still going to get shitfaced though. Shots only. You man enough Jaybo? JAY Course. JANE I thought you would be. TIME JUMP: * We cut to a close up of eight shot glasses lined up on the * bar, sloppily being filled with tequila. * We cut to a wide shot of the gang, who have now paired off, * all knocking them back. * We cut to WILL and ALISON slamming their empty glasses down. * WILL * So I've been thinking. About us. * ALISON * The four of you? * WILL * No, me and you. * ALISON * Well there's no 'us' so must have * been a weird thought process, but * go on. * WILL * I’m not sure Nicos is right for * you. * ALISON * Interesting. Why wouldn’t my sexy, * charming, sensitive boyfriend who * is also a sensational lover be * right for me? * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 88

WILL * You’d say sensational would you? * ALISON laughs. We cut to SIMON and LUCY. * LUCY * It was nice of Richard Branson to * lend you an outfit. * SIMON * It’s Neil’s. Is it that bad? * LUCY * Oh yes, it might be the worst * outfit I’ve ever seen. * SIMON * Right, i suppose there’s only one * thing for it then. We’re going to * say fuckit and do shots ‘til one of * us is sick through our nose. My * money’s on me. Four monkey brains * please. * LUCY smiles at SIMON. * LUCY * I like this Simon, he’s fun. Thanks * very much. Cheers. * SIMON * Cheers. Oh, actually can you pay? * We cut to JAY and JANE. * JANE * Right, next. * JAY * Nah, I can't do another one. * JANE * Oh, sorry I didn't realise you were * a lightweight. * JAY * A what? * JANE * Lightweight, lightweight. * JAY * You're one to talk about * lightweights. * JANE * What do you mean? Oh, cos i’m fat? * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 89

JAY * No. What I mean, Jane, is that I'm * going to drink you under the table. * JANE * You're trouble aren't you? * JAY giggles, and they down one more and then another. * We cut to LISA standing at the bar alone, holding two full * shot glasses. She looks round for NEIL but cannot find him. * Back with WILL and ALISON who are just knocking back their * next shot. * ALISON * You’re funny, that’s why you don’t * need to worry about getting laid. * WILL * Erm, did I say I was worried? * ALISON * No, but it’s obvious you are. And * you think somehow i’m the answer. * I’m not, and you’ll be fine. * WILL * I think you might be though. * ALISON * Nonsense. In fact i’m so confident * i’ll make a pact with you - if you * still haven't had sex by this time * next year, I'll shag you/ i will * have sex with you. Only if I'm not * with Nicos of course. * WILL * Of course. Um, this is a joke, * right? * ALISON holds out her hand for WILL to shake. * WILL (CONT’D) * A handshake is good, but is it * possible to get it in writing? * ALISON laughs, WILL sort of does. * ALISON * See, funny? * WILL * Yes. Aha-ha. Hmm. * Just then LISA walks past looking a little down. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 90

ALISON * Are you okay Lisa? Where’s Neil? * LISA points towards the far dance floor. Everyone looks where * she’s pointing and they see NEIL with a large middle-aged * woman. He's got her skirt hitched up round her and one hand in her pants. His head is in between her ample bosoms and he is ‘speedboating’. NEIL comes up for a breath and smiles. * LISA looks a bit sad. LISA Oh. WILL He is literally incredible. JANE walks over. * JANE * Come on Lis, we’re getting out of here, let’s all go for a swim. Come * on you. * They all down their tequila. JANE leads LISA away to the * exit, with a grinning JAY following. SIMON hasn’t moved, LUCY turns to him. * LUCY * You coming swimming? * SIMON Oh I can't, because I haven't bought my swimming costume. LUCY Oh no, I haven't bought mine either. SIMON Oh right. So what are you going to do? LUCY Well, I'm going to go in naked. You? SIMON (SWALLOWING HARD) Oh, right me too. Totally naked. * They head out the bar. WILL * Are they really going skinny * dipping? * ALISON If i know Jane, probably yes. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 91

WILL Really? Fucking hell, really? ALISON Yep. WILL And what about you? ALISON (LOOKS AT HER WATCH) Well I'm meeting Nicos in half an * hour. WILL Of course. ALISON So I reckon I've got time for a quick dip. WILL grins as he downs his drink and heads out with Alison.

61 EXT. MALIA BEACH - NIGHT 5 61 SIMON and LUCY are slightly ahead of the others, and she starts getting undressed straight away. She stops when she sees that SIMON isn't, and is sort of looking awkward. LUCY Come on, what you doing? Get it off. SIMON Um, no, yes, good, I will. LUCY Go on then. SIMON All in good time. LUCY I'll look away if you like? SIMON Yes, that would be nice, thank you. LUCY Okay, so I'm looking away now. LUCY turns her back and SIMON very quickly strips naked and runs into the sea. We see, but SIMON doesn't, that she's stolen a quick look. LUCY then strips to her bra and pants and runs in after him. CUT TO: The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 92

62 EXT. MALIA BEACH - NIGHT 5 62 It's quite dark as LISA, JANE and JAY are all running down to the waterfront. LISA strips down first and runs in. JAY and JANE are laughing, and a bit behind, almost next to the promenade. JANE is in her bra and pants, JAY’s in a t-shirt. JANE Come on JAY, don't be shy. I’ll take it all off if you will. JAY Um, alright. Give me a minute. JANE Are you scared you won't be able to control yourself? JAY looks around a bit. Above them, behind her, he can see a group of lads laughing and pointing. Maybe the word ‘whale’ drifts over. JANE’s aware of this but seemingly fine with it. JANE (CONT’D) Oh go on, i can’t take it any more, give us a snog. JAY Um, alright, but let’s go somewhere secret. JANE Secret? Just give us a snog here. JAY Nah, let’s go somewhere people can’t see us, okay? JANE looks over her shoulder at the laughing lads, then back at JAY. She looks disappointed. JANE Actually forget it. I’ve seen what you’re packing and i hope it’s a grower because it’s definitely not a show-er. She strips off her bra and pants as she runs down to the beach and splashes in. JAY stands there looking sad, then puts on his trousers and walks back up the beach.

63 EXT. BEACH - NIGHT 5 63 WILL and ALISON are way behind everyone, wandering down the beach, shoes in hands. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 93

WILL ...all I'm saying is that, logically, we might not have to wait a year to have sex. ALISON Oh really? WILL Yes. I mean once you remove Nicos from the equation and think, as i say, logically it really makes no sense to wait that long. ALISON Do you find your logic talks a lot of women into bed? WILL Well, no. ALISON I’m just curious to know whether this kind of relentless, pedantic chat is a big hit with other chicks? WILL Well, obviously it isn't. ALISON Thought not. ALISON comes to a stop, in a darker area by some stacked up sunbeds. They are clearly away from the others, and we can hear distant splashing around. They stand in front of each other, neither of them saying anything. ALISON is staring straight at WILL. WILL finds the silence unbearable and kind of coughs and moves his foot in the sand. She keeps staring at him. BEAT ALISON (CONT’D) What are you waiting for? WILL Erm, I don't know. ALISON Okay. There's a beat and then ALISON takes off her dress, then her underwear and stands totally naked in front of WILL. There's another beat where WILL doesn't move, but just takes in what's before him. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 94

ALISON (CONT'D) Take your clothes off. WILL does so, and stands dry mouthed in front of her. They are standing there in the darkness, but you can see that she has a pretty fantastic body. WILL swallows hard. ALISON takes off his glasses, tosses them away, and then moves his hand very slowly onto her naked breast. It rests there for a moment, and both of them stand very still. WILL starts to say something and then ALISON laughs and jumps back, snapping us (and them) totally out of the moment. ALISON (CONT’D) That's it til next year I'm afraid. This is shouted over her shoulder as she runs naked into the sea. WILL watches her with a very broad smile. WILL (SHOUTED, BUT SMILING) I've lost my glasses. My glasses! He pops his boxers back on and starts to look for his glasses in the sand, on his hands and knees but smiling. CUT TO:

64 EXT. BEACH / SEA - NIGHT 5 64 LUCY and SIMON are splashing around with each other, JANE and LISA are nearby. Everyone is drunk and laughing. SIMON Hey, how come i’m naked but you’ve got your underwear on? LUCY That’s how i like it. My rules for * once. *

LUCY splashes SIMON flirtatiously. SIMON Oh that's right. Let's get Simon's hair wet shall we. LUCY It always looks wet anyway, gel boy. SIMON Right, how’s this for a wet look then? SIMON creates a huge splashing wave with his forearm completely soaking LUCY. He's classically taken it too far, and she chokes a bit. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 95

She dries her face and spits a bit of water. But then she smiles, and she looks amazing and like she wants to be kissed, and even SIMON can see this and they are staring at each other. Then SIMON spots something on the shoreline. It's CARLI walking along the beach alone. SIMON (CONT'D) (PRACTICALLY SCREAMING) CARLI! CARLI! Over here! SIMON rushes over, hand over his cock. She sees him, he has stops abruptly, then backs in to where it’s waist deep. CARLI Simon, what are you doing in there? SIMON Um swimming naked. Why don't you come in? CARLI Oh, no. I’ve had a shitty night, I'm heading back. Sorry, why are you swimming naked? SIMON I don’t know! I’m on bloody holiday? Maybe it’s a new me. CARLI Oh. I liked the old you. SIMON Hmm. LUCY is watching and can hear everything that is going on.

65 EXT. BEACH NIGHT - NIGHT 5 65 WILL is wandering around in the dark, practically blind, looking for his glasses. We can hear ALISON splashing about in the water. ALISON Come on Will, it feels amazing. WILL Just getting my glasses. ALISON You're not wussing out on me are you? WILL No. As soon as I'm not blind I'll be right over with you and the other naked ladies. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 96

ALISON Hurry up or I'm getting out. WILL (TO HIMSELF) Jesus christ come on, where are they. WILL blindly trips over the corner of a pile of stacked sun loungers and falls flat on his face. We pull wide and see that he's fallen into a couple who are having sex on the beach next to the loungers. The woman screams. DONNA What the fuck are you doing? * WILL I'm so sorry, I tripped. I've lost my glasses. NICOS You got a big problem mister, big fucking problem. (Followed by some Greek cursing) WILL Oh god, i’m really sorry. I didn't know you were down there, doing that. DONNA Is this how you get your kicks you pervert? The Greek guy is still cursing aggressively in Greek, and has started pushing WILL against the stacked sunbeds. WILL Help. Sorry mate. Help me. ALISON has rushed over to see what's going on, wrapping her dress round her. She stops when she recognises that the man is NICOS. ALISON Nicos? NICOS Alison, what are you doing? DONNA How does she know your fucking name Nicos? NICOS Donna, I just need you to be a little bit quiet for five minutes please. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 97

ALISON Who the fuck is that? NICOS Come and sit down Alison, I want to talk to you. ALISON We're supposed to be meeting up in fifteen minutes, you utter, utter scum bag. WILL Glasses? Glasses? oh there they are. NICOS Ali baby, I love you so much. You are the only girl for me. WILL * Now where have i heard that before? * ALISON Shut up Will. NICOS Baby, you know this weirdo? ALISON I am not your fucking baby. ALISON turns and storms down the beach. DONNA has gathered her things and is heading the other direction. WILL is trying not to engage NICOS, and starts after ALISON. WILL Alison, wait, I'll come with you. ALISON (CALLING BACK) I want to be on my own. WILL You're not expecting me to hit him * or anything are you? ALISON No. WILL Good. ALISON I don't expect anything from anyone but disappointment. WILL You'll love me then. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 98

As she runs off up the beach, she shouts back. ALISON And i'll never, ever have sex with anyone again as long as I live. And certainly not with you. Just fuck off, all of you fuck off. WILL Does this affect our deal? But ALISON is gone. WILL turns and as he does is floored by a punch to the solar plexus from NICOS, who walks off. CUT TO:

66 EXT. BEACH - NIGHT 5 66 CARLI is standing in the water up to her calves. SIMON is in just over his waist, covering his pubes. LUCY can hear them. CARLI Are you swimming on your own? SIMON Me? No, I'm with Lucy and a few others. Will’s around somewhere. CARLI Lucy? Who’s Lucy? SIMON Oh, she’s nobody. Nobody important. We met these girls and they keep asking us to do stuff with them. CARLI Oh right, like skinny dipping? SIMON Yeah. CARLI Okay, well i’m off to bed now. SIMON Can i come? CARLI To bed? No. SIMON No, sure. I’m all wet anyway so... The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 99

CARLI Look i’m knackered, but i’ll see you at the boat party and we can catch up properly there. SIMON (KNOWING HE WON’T) Yeah, course. I’ll definitely be on that boat. CARLI Great. See ya. SIMON I miss you too. CARLI What? SIMON You said it the other night. CARLI Oh yeah. Have fun swimming with ‘nobody’. CARLI walks off and SIMON waves after her, then turns and heads back to where he was playing around with LUCY, but LUCY is out the water and is getting dressed. SIMON Are you getting out? LUCY Yes. SIMON That was Carli, did you see her? LUCY Yeah, it was dark but I saw her. SIMON Isn't she beautiful? LUCY Yes, she's very beautiful. I'm going now. SIMON Oh, okay. LUCY walks off. LISA and JANE are out of the water, calling * after ALISON further down the beach, but she's already gone. SIMON is left in the water alone. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 100

67 EXT. STREET MALIA - NIGHT 5 67 SIMON walks up the beach to find WILL and JAY sitting on the beach wall, not saying anything. SIMON Alright? JAY Not really. Was that you-know-who I saw you talking to? SIMON Good luck finding my balls to slap. It was so cold in there I think they’ve permanently gone back inside. WILL And what happened to Lucy? SIMON She just went, it was weird. WILL If it makes you feel better Alison ran off in tears. JAY After she saw you naked? WILL Something like that. SIMON Let’s go back. We’re cold, we’ve been dumped, it’s just us. We might as well have stayed at home. JAY I’ve got 20 euros for a cab. WILL Is it the ...? JAY Yep. WILL I’ll walk thanks. The three boys walk off in silence, a silence that should be poignant because it makes us realise how much they talk the rest of the time. Behind them NEIL comes laughing out of a club with a fat German lady grabbing his balls and laughing. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 101

GERMAN LADY Ich wunsche ihren chubby hahn innen mein arschloch NEIL is sort of ignoring her as he sees the other three walking away. He looks concerned. NEIL Nah, better not, not tonight. He jogs off after the boys. We see the four of them walk off.

68 EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 5 68 WILL is out by the pool, staring at the green disgustingness. HARD STEVE is sitting on the other side of the pool in a pair of speedos, despite it being past midnight, and gives WILL the thumbs up as he nails another can of lager, crushes it on his head, and then dumps it in a pile of empties next to him. He proffers WILL a can, WILL shakes his head. In the background we see NEIL heading over to WILL. NEIL Alright? WILL I’ve been better. * NEIL What you doing? WILL I'm thinking. NEIL About how shit the holiday is? WILL Partly that and partly I'm thinking about putting stones in my pockets and chucking myself in the pool. NEIL I wouldn't swim in that, it's rank. WILL Right. NEIL Also if you put stones in your pockets you'll sink. Better to not have stones really. WILL I'll bear that in mind Neil. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 102

BEAT NEIL I stopped believing in God when I realised it was just dog backwards. WILL What? NEIL If you think about it, g-o-d, d-o- g, it's like an anagram but a backwards one. WILL Right. NEIL And then, after that, I stopped worrying about stuff. You only get one go round I reckon, when you're dead you're dead, so you can spend your time thinking about how things haven't gone perfect, or you can just get on with it, have a laugh and that. That's what I do, I'm pretty happy. BEAT WILL You are, aren't you? NEIL Yep. WILL Thanks Neil, thanks for that. NEIL Just remember it's d-o-g backwards. WILL No, not that, no offence but that's moronic. I mean thanks for coming to cheer me up. NEIL Oh, I didn't come to cheer you up, I came to say I did a shit in the children's toilet and I can't get rid of it. WILL Oh god. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 103

69 INT APARTMENT, BY THE BATHROOM - NIGHT 5 69 WILL and NEIL come in to find SIMON and JAY standing at the threshold of the bathroom, holding their shirts over their mouths and retching. JAY What the fuck has gone into that Neil? Have you been eating tear- gas? NEIL Nah, it's just a bit beery. NEIL takes a big sniff. NEIL (CONT’D) And that meatiness is probably the kebabs. WILL * (ushering the others out) Right, that’s it, we are going now. * Neil you were right, it may not be paradise but we can at least try and enjoy this place for exactly what it is. SIMON A shithole? WILL Yes, but it’s our shithole, so let’s get out there and get royally fucked up on Jay’s dead grandad’s money. JAY It’s what he would have wanted. As they start walking out. * SIMON * If we get fined fifty Euros Neil, * you’re paying it. * NEIL * But it’s not on the floor. * SIMON * It’s worse than on the floor. * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 104

70 MONTAGE, MALIA STRIP - NIGHT 5 70 *

70 pt1 EXT. STRIP - NIGHT 5 70 pt1 Snapshots of the boys going from bar to bar on the strip, having as much fun, if not more, than everyone else. We see:

70 pt2 INT. BAR - NIGHT 5 70 pt2 The boys doing green tequila slammers at a busy bar, then immediately sucking on fishbowl straws with their heads a little too close together. CUT TO:

70 pt3 INT. BAR - NIGHT 5 70 pt3 WILL and NEIL on podiums swinging around, doing ironic sexy dancing while JAY and SIMON cheer them on. No one else in the club seems to be enjoying this. CUT TO:

70 pt4 INT. BAR - NIGHT 5 70 pt4 At another bar now and JAY and SIMON are downing pints whilst there is lit toilet paper between their arses. CUT TO:

70 pt5 INT. BAR - NIGHT 5 70 pt5 On another club dancefloor the boys are pointing and laughing at a little person in a Man United shirt who looks like a tiny Wayne Rooney. The little person is obviously playing up to this. Neil then goes over to him and tries to pick him up. Tiny Rooney flails around angrily in NEIL’s arms and eventually NEIL has to put him down and apologise while the * little person punches him and the others look on laughing. CUT TO:

70 pt6 EXT. STRIP - NIGHT 5 70 pt6 The boys spill out of one bar and see a passed out reveller, quite a big bloke, lying on the side of the road. JAY gets NEIL to take a picture of him standing astride the drunk with his arm aloft, as if he’s knocked him out. As the boys laugh the drunk stirs slightly and JAY jumps back quickly runs off. The others laugh as they head into another bar. CUT TO: The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 105

70 pt7 INT. BAR - NIGHT 5 70 pt7 We see WILL sucking a straw from a fishbowl. The camera spins round and we reveal he’s upside down, sucking the straw, with SIMON and JAY holding his feet. He looks queasy at best. CUT TO:

71 EXT. MALIA STRIP - NIGHT 5 71 WILL is doubled over at the side of the road spewing, while NEIL, JAY and SIMON look on laughing and eating huge Subway sandwiches. SIMON Is this normal enough for you? WILL (AS HE RETCHES) Probably a bit too normal.

72 EXT. BOYS APARTMENT COMPLEX ENTRANCE - NIGHT 5 72 NEIL is pissing against the apartment complex. WILL is at the side of the well spewing up again. JAY and SIMON look on. SIMON I’m almost going to miss him when i’m at uni. JAY When he’s at uni you mean. SIMON Yeah, but i’ll be at uni too. JAY Will ya? What this year? SIMON In a few weeks. i told you about it. JAY Oh what, just cos Will’s going? SIMON No, cos i want to. JAY Well, what about me? SIMON What? JAY Well, what am i going to do? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 106

SIMON Um, i dunno, i mean, i thought you knew i was going to uni? JAY Yeah, course, no, but i mean i was going to use my grandad’s money to set us up in business. Selling car stereos to premier league footballers? Neil was gonna work in the depot, but me and you and Rio * Ferdinand are sales, having a laugh * an that. SIMON Oh right. I’m going to do sociology. BEAT JAY Fuck. I’m sorry i ripped them tickets up now. We could have had a bit of a send off. SIMON What tickets? JAY Boat party ones. I got them when i was pissed the other night, thought i’d surprise you, cost me a fortune. Oh well. SIMON You what? You tore them up? JAY Yeah. SIMON After we had the fight? JAY Yeah, cos i was angry you had a go and that. SIMON Yeah, no, makes sense. WILL slumps down at the side of the well, almost exactly in the spot where JAY slept in the ants nest on night one. WILL You two go on, I’m just going to have a little recovery snooze. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 107

JAY looks at SIMON and there's a moment where their eyes sparkle at the idea of leaving him here. Then JAY, of all people, weakens and walks over to drag WILL back to his feet. JAY Come on mate, you can have my bed tonight. This one’s a bit bitey. NEIL comes over and lends a hand. WILL stands and throws his arms across their shoulders as they help walk him up to the apartment. WILL (SINGING) I touched a boob and I liked it, shame I didn’t get to lick it... FADE TO BLACK.

73 EXT. BEACHFRONT CAFE OVERLOOKING 'THE PARTY BOAT' 73 - DAY 6 SIMON, NEIL and JAY are sitting in a café overlooking the boat. There is music blaring from the boat and they can see loads of great looking people in not very many clothes board. It looks totally brilliant. They are all really really hungover. SIMON is staring at it like he's going to cry. SIMON I don’t know if it’s better or worse that i can see the boat. NEIL If i could i’d give you my ticket Si. SIMON You can. Just give me your ticket. NEIL Yeah, but i really want to go, so you see, i actually can’t. JAY Cheer up Si, at least you haven’t got a tattoo saying ‘Gay Neil’. NEIL Oh fucking hell. Take Jay’s ticket. SIMON No, i think he needs it. NEIL What, cos of Jane? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 108

JAY No. In case the Captain dies and i have to, um, drive the boat. SIMON looks at JAY, who looks sheepish, a moment which is punctured by a groaning from by the café door. The camera swings to where the noise came from and then after a second it tilts down to reveal WILL on his hands and knees. He looks awful, and has a pube on his cheek. WILL Eased up on the vomiting, mainly retching now. For the record, they * don’t clean that toilet floor very often. Lots of pubes on hands, knees and my face when i had a little lie down. i can’t believe we’ve been eating here. The GREEK WAITER approaches him. * GREEK WAITER * You want menu? * WILL * No, thank you. * People are passing them heading for the boat. They see LUCY, ALISON, JANE and LISA walking up. They are in beachwear, but have made an effort for the party and look great. NEIL Wow, they look hot. JAY Bit young for you ain’t they Neil? NEIL Behave. SIMON Lucy! LUCY looks up and sees SIMON, but ignores him. WILL tries to shout for ALISON whilst also retching. WILL Alison. Alisonurrgh. Oh i give up. The four girls have stopped and are having what looks like quite a serious chat. It seems that LISA and JANE are convincing LUCY to do something that she doesn't want to do because she's shaking her head. ALISON, LISA and JANE come over to the table, LUCY walks towards the sea, and sits on the beach. WILL is on all fours, motionless and green. ALISON Alright boys, who killed Will? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 109

WILL I think the final blow was delivered by Reverend Tequila, in the library, with what feels like a lead pipe. SIMON What’s up with Lucy? ALISON Dunno, if you ask her rather than talking about your ex the whole time you might find out. SIMON Oh, god. Really? Fine. * ALISON looks at him. He gets up and walks over to LUCY. JAY You coming to the party then? JANE You try and stop me. We just saw two hot fellas dressed as fireman getting on board. They might need a hand with their hoses. LISA laughs, as does NEIL. JAY looks a bit disturbed by JANE'S boldness. JANE (CONT’D) I might have to set fire to my knickers. JAY I’ll come with you if you like? JANE No thank you. Come on Lisa. JAY looks embarrassed, JANE and LISA head to the boat. ALISON slightly sheepishly sits down next to WILL, on the floor. ALISON You look as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside. WILL Oh don't worry, I feel like shit on the inside too. ALISON Although i don’t have a pube on my cheek. WILL Oh god. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 110

ALISON Anyway, seeing you in such a mess has at least cheered me up a bit. WILL Glad to be of service. You know I have a penis sunburnt on my back too? ALISON laughs. WILL (CONT’D) It must be reassuring to know that however bad life gets, you're not me. ALISON It is. WILL Good, because that means that every time you're down you'll have to come and find me, and hang out with * me. ALISON Yes, I think I might. Starting with today. I've got Nicos's ticket for the boat party, fancy joining me? WILL Yes. More than anything. ALISON Great, there's one condition though. WILL Anything. ALISON At no point are you allowed to say ‘i told you so’. WILL I'm not sure I can guarantee that. ALISON and WILL start to leave then WILL looks over at SIMON. CUT TO:

74 EXT. BEACH OVERLOOKING ‘THE BOAT’ - DAY 6 74 WILL is obviously mid way through explaining to SIMON. LUCY sits near them, in earshot. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 111

WILL So it's not that i’d rather go to a party that infinitely heightens my sense of being out of kilter with the rest of the world but Alison is sort of the fittest girl i’ve ever met, and maybe... SIMON It's fine Will, honestly, go for it. I'll just find a quiet spot and hang myself. WILL Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn’t hang himself, i’m off. Look at me, following my cock like a normal person. WILL rushes off, then pops back to see LUCY WILL (CONT’D) Sorry for saying ‘cock’. He rushes off.

75 EXT. HARBOUR / PARTY BOAT - DAY 6 75 Wide shot of the girls getting on the boat, and the three boys queuing to get on themselves.

76 EXT. HARBOUR WALL - DAY 6 76 SIMON I didn’t realise I was being such a dick LUCY You were. SIMON I’m trying to say sorry. LUCY Well say it then. SIMON Sorry. LUCY For being a dick. SIMON Sorry for being a dick. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 112

LUCY And for having too much gel in your hair. SIMON I don’t think i’ve got that much.. LUCY shrugs as if to say that’s the deal. SIMON (CONT’D) OK. I’m sorry for having too much gel in my hair. They share a laugh. SIMON (CONT’D) You should probably get going. LUCY I'm not that bothered. SIMON Really? LUCY Yeah. If you like, maybe we could hang out, the two of us. I quite fancy just staying by the pool. SIMON Yeah, I mean why spend the day having unbelievable fun on a party boat when you could be taking a depressed man swimming at a family hotel? LUCY I'm serious. I don’t mind, i might even cheer you up. If they let you back in. SIMON I honestly don't think I'll be very good company, but thanks for the offer. You go, I'll be alright. SIMON looks longingly at the boat again. LUCY is studying him, stands to leave then turns back. LUCY Look, it’s obvious how much Carli means to you. She’s lucky, i think. I’m sure you will sort it out. SIMON She goes back tomorrow, i can feel her slipping away. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 113

LUCY Simon, if she really means that much to you I want you to take my ticket. There's a moment between them where SIMON is genuinely bowled over by her generosity and selflessness. SIMON Lucy... LUCY If you really want to go, take it. If you really want to go. BEAT SIMON God, I don't know what to say, you’d do that for me? LUCY Yes. BEAT SIMON Thanks. He snatches the ticket out of her hand and runs off down the beach, towards the boat, waving the ticket. And leaving LUCY looking slightly gobsmacked. SIMON (CONT’D) See you later. Enjoy the pool. Will, WILL! I got a ticket, I got a ticket. WILL, JAY and NEIL turn round and see him coming. They cheer.

77 PARTY BOAT - DAY 6 77 As the four boys walk through the boat it's like a scene from Entourage or some equally glamourous and sexy film. The boys are in heaven, and SIMON is grinning like a man who has won the lottery. This is a massive, brilliant party. People drinking, going mental, dancing on seats, having fun. NEIL Mental. JAY Yeah, this is more like it. Proper holiday. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 114

SIMON Fucking hell, I never thought I'd make it. This is it, what did i tell you? Me and Carli, back together. NEIL rolls his eyes then smacks Simon in the balls. SIMON (CONT’D) Oww. Have you not noticed that that hasn’t stopped me at all? I’ve just got very bruised balls. They come across the bar area, where people are drinking cocktails out of huge glasses and having drinks poured in their mouths by enthusiastic looking bar staff. SIMON (CONT’D) Quick shot for luck? Will? WILL You're kidding. NEIL Come on, it's the best cure. WILL Yes, but the logical conclusion of that is that you never stop drinking and become an alcoholic and die. JAY Yeah, but you’ll be a million times less fucking boring though. * WILL Fair enough. What are we toasting? JAY To the Pussay. ALL The Pussay. WILL looks around a little bit embarrassed. NEIL To being playas. * ALL Playas. * SIMON To me and Carli. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 115

JAY / NEIL / WILL Fuck off, nah you’re alright, no way. SIMON Fine, well i’m going off to find * her anyway. NEIL * Oh and Si? * SIMON * Yeah? * NEIL * I forgot something. * NEIL slaps him in the balls. SIMON leaves. JAY I should find Jane, I promised her a dance. NEIL What? JAY Oh, what, no, just a dance. Then we can get some proper fit gash. But Jane's alright y'know, a laugh. NEIL The fat ones are always jolly. JAY Neil, what a horrible thing to say. JAY leaves. NEIL Just you and me then Will. WILL doesn't look great again all of a sudden. WILL Oh no. Oh god. What was I thinking, tequila? He covers his mouth and runs to the stairwell near the bar., and pukes over it. He looks down and sees that he has been sick over an attractive couple who were kissing. WILL (CONT’D) Shit. Sorry. * He runs to the other stairwell, looks down, and there are more people there. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 116

He covers his mouth and runs out to the bow. NEIL watches him run past three times, shaking his head as if WILL is crazy. NEIL (WITH A LAUGH) Make your bloody mind up you wally. NEIL then exhales and realises he is left quite alone.

78 A BIG SWEEPING HELICOPTER OR BOAT PASS OF THE PARTY BOAT 78 - DAY 6

79 EXT. BOAT TOP DECK - DAY 6 79 SIMON is looking all over the boat for CARLI, and when he finally finds her she seems to be arguing with JAMES. SIMON looks defeated. CUT TO:

80 INT. BOAT - DAY 6 80 NEIL is wandering around a bit lonely. He suddenly sees RICHARD, and goes over to him, delighted to see a friendly, if mental, face. NEIL Richard, alright mate? RICHARD Oh, alright? NEIL Yeah. How’s it going? RICHARD Yeah, not too bad. i was djing at this techno club right, and this mental pierced bird comes over to me and says ‘i want you to piss on me and then fuck me’. So i pissed all over her. NEIL And then fucked her? RICHARD No. She was covered in piss. NEIL Oh, course. RICHARD Anyway, the other day right, i started crying and couldn’t stop. (MORE) The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 117 RICHARD (CONT'D) So yeah, my mum and dad have flown over to take me home. Pretty cool. He points over to a middle-aged couple who are sitting down, looking very middle-aged and suburban in amongst the throng of young party-goers. They wave at RICHARD and NEIL. RICHARD (CONT’D) Yeah. Come and say hello. NEIL Um, alright. NEIL and RICHARD walk over to RICHARD'S parents. NEIL shakes the dad's hand and he kisses the mum. Just as he does so there's a hand on his back. It's LISA. LISA Back off bitch. Not this time. She drags NEIL away, smiling.

81 INT. AFT OF BOAT - DAY 6 81 JAY is wandering around a bit lost when he finds JANE. He’s really excited and goes up to her. JAY Jane. Jane. JANE Oh hello. You sure you want to be seen with me? JAY Yeah, i do. I really do. Can we have that snog now? JANE What now, here, right in front of everyone? JAY looks around and it really is very exposed, even if you weren’t self-conscious you’d find it a little much. JAY Um, yeah. Yeah. JANE Yeah, well i’m not that kind of girl, so i suggest we find somewhere a little more private. JAY I don’t mind. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 118

JANE I’ve told you, i do. And to be fair in private you might get a blow job out of it. JAY looks scared, JANE takes him by the hand and leads him off.

82 EXT. BOAT TOP DECK - DAY 6 82 SIMON is alone and looking slightly forlorn. He throws a look towards the beach, when CARLI comes over to him. She’s suddenly very touchy feely and a little unsteady on her feet. CARLI Simeee! SIMON (A BIT OFF BALANCE) Oh hi. Carleeee! CARLI Where’ve you been, I’ve been looking all over for you? SIMON I need to tell you something. CARLI Shhhhhhhhhh. I know. CARLI leans in and they kiss. Eventually SIMON pulls back. SIMON Wow. Are you drunk? CARLI Maybe, does it matter? SIMON No. It’s all good. They kiss again, more passionately. The camera starts over CARLI’s shoulder on SIMON’s face, which is a picture of closed-eyed bliss. The snog continues and the camera spins around the couple until it is over SIMON’s shoulder on CARLI, who has both eyes open and is looking over at something else. The camera spins round them again and we see where CARLI’s stare was focussed. It’s JAMES, who is standing with a group of attractive girls. He looks at CARLI. CUT TO:

83 INT. BOAT - DAY 6 83 WILL is vomiting / retching hard over the side of the boat, ALISON comes over to him and pats him on the back. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 119

ALISON Get it all up. WILL Little easier on the sunburnt cock please. ALISON Oops, sorry. WILL It’s fine. ALISON I mean, what a total twat. WILL Me? ALISON No, Nicos the total and utter Greek twat. Did you see her, she was hideous, she must have been at least 30. WILL Yeh, at least. Hurgh. * WILL vomits. * ALISON To think i fell in love with that man You should have heard some of the things he said to me, about our future. WILL I told you, hurgh, so. WILL vomits. ALISON Amazing. You arsehole, you had to * say it didn't you? Even in the fucking state you’re in you couldn’t resist? WILL I'm sorry, it's just what I do. ALISON I understand. WILL Really? You understand what it's like to be me? (MORE) The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 120 WILL (CONT'D) You what it’s like to be a virgin who hurls over the side of boats in front of the loveliest woman he’s ever met? Oh no. He hurls again. WILL (CONT’D) And this isn’t even the most embarrassing thing i’ve ever done. ALISON Well i do understand, and if you want my honest opinion you stress about sex too much. Sex is not that big a deal. WILL No, not to you. BEAT. Where, incredibly, he doesn't hurl. ALISON Alright, I'll revise my offer. How about instead of having sex with you in a year, I have sex with you all year? WILL looks up, wiping puke off his mouth to see ALISON smiling. WILL What? ALISON It's a one-time offer. WILL To confirm, do you mean like a girlfriend or like a prostitute? ALISON I was thinking more like a girlfriend. WILL smiles a huge, slightly sick covered smile. WILL Could you write it.. ALISON No, I'm not going to write it down. What I'm saying is that I like you. Despite myself, I really do like you, and your stupid brain and silly face and if you like me too then we're on. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 121

WILL raises his head from the railings to kiss her, in a grand dramatic sweep as if this is the end of a great romantic film. She recoils away, breaking the moment totally. ALISON (CONT’D) Ew, but not til you've brushed your * teeth though. *

84 INT. BOAT - DAY 6 84 We are back with SIMON and CARLI snogging. JAMES is still sort of looking on, annoyed. It looks like CARLI is getting the desired effect. She pulls out of the kiss, still staring at JAMES. SIMON still has his eyes closed, the weirdo. CARLI That should do it. SIMON You know we could do this forever. CARLI (LOOKING PAST HIM, DISTRACTED) Yeah, I know. SIMON Oh god Carls i thought i’d lost you. I thought i’d lost you, and no matter how much they hit me in the balls i knew i was right. And i’ve worked it out, it was so simple, i just get a job near your uni for three years, four if you do an MA, and then we can be together forever. Forever, just like we should be. As SIMON speaks CARLI is transfixed on JAMES who has one of the attractive girls draped over him and makes a movement to the girls like they are going to snort some cocaine. SIMON (CONT’D) Carli, what’s wrong? Did you hear what I said? SIMON looks over and sees the source of CARLI’s unhappiness. CARLI Something about being hit in the balls? SIMON Well yes, but mainly about being together forever. CARLI I’m sorry Simon. Can you just kiss me again? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 122

SIMON looks over at JAMES then back at CARLI. Then at JAMES * again, and back to CARLI as the penny drops. He looks around * him and sees other people who look happy. People just * enjoying themselves in an uncomplicated fashion. Then he looks beyond them to the shore. Then CARLI tries to kiss him again, a move he rebuffs. SIMON I’m sorry Carls. This is wrong. I think I’ve got it all wrong. CARLI What? SIMON I’ve made a bad choice today. I honestly wish you all the best with your life but right now I have to * leave. I don’t think you’ll ever * see me again. * BEAT CARLI (slightly confused) But I’ll see you at your Mum’s birthday do in two weeks time. SIMON Well yes, but then after that... CARLI And then your brother’s sixteenth the following week. SIMON It was more like a metaphorical thing. Anyway, I’ll see you around Carli. CARLI Yes, at your mums... SIMON Please? Can i just? Thank you. And with that SIMON leaves and CARLI is left alone. She turns round she sees JAMES going off with the girls. CUT TO:

85 INT. BOAT - DAY 6 85 NEIL and LISA are dry humping inside the boat. He's really going for it, all outside the clothes. He's also not kissing her at all. LISA stops him. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 123

LISA Neil, Neil, stop. NEIL What's up, is it my zip? I can undo it if you want? LISA No it's not that, I just think this is wrong. I feel bad for your girlfriend. NEIL No, it's fine, we aren't kissing. LISA Yeah, but look at what we are doing. How do you think she'd feel? How would you feel if you saw her doing this with a guy? NEIL steps away from LISA slightly, as if he's taking in the whole situation. He suddenly looks quite sad. LISA (CONT’D) I wouldn't want to be treated like this. I’ve got ethics. * NEIL Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's just, well Nicole dumped me just before we got out here. I didn't want to tell the others cos I was embarrassed. LISA Oh Neil. NEIL Yeah, she sent a text saying 'U dance like a twat, u r dumped'. Broke me up. So this is fine, and if you want we can even kiss. LISA moves her face close to his, touching it with her hand. LISA Oh Neil. Is that true? Really? NEIL Yeah, course. They both move in for the snog now. NEIL (CONT’D) If you like. They start snogging again. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 124

86 INT/EXT. BOAT TOILETS - DAY 6 86 JAY and JANE are coming out of the toilet, JAY looks flushed, JANE is grinning. They bump into JAMES heading in. JAY That was just, i mean, did it not taste funny cos it looks funny? JAMES Oh, alright mate, who’s this then? JANE I’m Jane. JAY She’s my girlfriend. JAMES Is she, fucking hell you better be careful she doesn’t fall overboard cos.. JANE Cos I’ll get harpooned? Cos they might think i’m a new island? Cos all the water might splash out onto the land? I’ve heard em all, take your pick. JAMES Fucking hell, alright tubs it was only a joke. And as you’re coming out of there like a naughty boy you can do me a favour. I need a note for the old toot. JANE We weren’t doing drugs actually. JAMES Christ, i hope for his sake you were, there are laws against fucking cattle mate, even in Greece. Now i’m going to need to take a note off you, you’re a mate, you don’t mind do you? Give. BEAT as JAY thinks. Then he reaches behind him as if he’s going in his back pocket, but what we can see and JAMES can’t is that he actually sticks his hand down into of his pants. JAY No, no, not at all. Here you go mate. Already rolled. JAMES Cheers. i’ll keep this, alright? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 125

JAY No problemo. JAY takes JANE’s hand and leads her off, smiling. JAMES goes into the open toilet door where the girls have been lining up the cocaine. He sticks the rolled up note in his nose and has a good old snort. He retches slightly, but comes up smiling. The girls looks aghast because despite the smile, he has a little bit of shit on his nose.

87 EXT. BOAT - DAY 6 87 WILL and ALISON are walking along arm in arm, he’s still very green around the gills. WILL So I just need to find some toothpaste and we’re on? ALISON Think we might need mouthwash too. They stop in their tracks as they come across SIMON standing by the railing, looking out to sea. WILL Simon, are you alright? SIMON Yeah, yeah I think for the first time in my life I am. I’m clear anyway. WILL Well I’ve got good news. Me and Alison are an item. SIMON Bollocks. Sorry. Is that true? ALISON Well it doesn’t officially start til he stops puking. WILL It can’t be long now, that last one was mostly spit. How did it go with Carli? SIMON Long term good, short term horrific. But definitely long term good. WILL Have you murdered her? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 126

SIMON No, but I have been thinking that maybe Carli’s not all that. WILL Okay, so where's the real Simon? What have you done with him? SIMON I think Lucy might be the one. * WILL Yes, obviously, Lucy is much nicer and actually likes you. SIMON But i’m worried I might have been a bit of a dick to her. ALISON You've been more than a bit of a dick to her, you’ve been a massive dick to her. But she still likes you anyway. SIMON Good. That’s really good. SIMON looks out over the sea towards the shore, it doesn’t seem that far away. It also looks pretty difficult to climb over the railings. SIMON starts getting undressed. * ALISON * Does he always strip when he’s * happy? * WILL * Yeah, normally. * NEIL and LISA walk over with JAY and JANE, who are holding hands. SIMON is now climbing on the bar to get to the very top deck. WILL (CONT’D) Simon, you can’t go up there, there’s a sign. JAY * Ooh, sign. WILL * Hello Jay. * SIMON * Alison, can you text Lucy and tell her i’m coming to get her? The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 127

ALISON Of course, i will. Brilliant. NEIL Alright? SIMON Yeah. NEIL What you doing up there then? SIMON I'm going to swim back to shore and tell Lucy how I feel. JANE How romantic. ALISON It is, isn’t it? SIMON Is it a bit far? JAY Nah, bollocks. You can see the shore, I've swum further than that backstroke. ALISON Do it. Swim there, show her what she means to you and then kiss her. JAY On the fanny. JANE slaps him with the back of her hand. JANE Jay! JAY Sorry darling.

88 EXT BEACH - DAY 6 88 On shore we see LUCY looking sad and lovely on the shore. Her phone pings, she looks at it and sees the text from ALISON saying ‘Simon’s coming to get you. You lucky thing’. She looks over and sees SIMON, way in the distance climbing onto the roof of the boat. She watches and smiles. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 128

89 EXT PARTY BOAT - DAY 6 89 SIMON is up on the top deck and has the attention of the whole boat now. SIMON Right, fuck it, you only live once. The assembled gang cheer as SIMON looks round for a second, sees all the smiling faces, including most of the boat who are now watching, and then dives in to huge cheers. He surfaces, turns round and waves, and everyone cheers him on as he starts crawling towards the shore. FADE TO BLACK:

90 EXT. BOAT / SEA - DAY 6 90

WE FADE UP To a similar scene to the one we left, but instead of a cheering multitude the multitude now look concerned. We see SIMON in the water. He's barely moved any distance and now seems to be genuinely struggling. WILL I think he might be drowning.

91 EXT. SEA - DAY 6 91 We see SIMON being rescued by a coastguard's helicopter.

92 EXT. BEACH - DAY 6 92 SIMON is being dragged ashore in his rescue cot by the coast guard. He looks like he's swallowed a lot of water. LUCY comes running over, and pushes through the gathered crowd. He looks up from the stretcher and smiles at her. SIMON I, I did it for you. LUCY (with tears in her eyes, smiling) Oh Simon. LUCY reaches down and kisses SIMON. * SIMON I think I've shit myself. The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 129

LUCY looks puzzled and then SIMON is put onto a stretcher and * wheeled through the crowd to a waiting ambulance. He manages to shout to LUCY through the crowd. SIMON (CONT’D) Lucy, it's normally bigger, it was cold. He's bundled into the back of the ambulance which screeches off, sirens blaring.

93 EXT. SEA - EVENING 6 93 The three couple on board move away from the railings, all kiss and then join the throng on the dancefloor, going crazy (JAY doing the slap arse dance with JANE). In the background we see JAMES trying to talk to girls, who just laugh at him.

94 MONTAGE (NEXT TO CREDIT RUN) 94 1 - DAY 7: The guys and their new girlfriends visiting SIMON in his hospital ward, shared with a couple of other injured Brits (lots of blood, not many teeth). LUCY is at his bedside and everyone looks very lovey-dovey, JAY even bringing in a * chair for JANE. JAY grabs a pillow from behind SIMON’s head * and offers it to JANE. They film the moment. NEIL and LISA * kiss in the corner. * NOTE: Will is carrying Simon’s clean trunks (from DAY 6) in a * clear plastic bag. They are all filming the event with their * camera phones. * 2 - DAY 8: Each of them texting their parents to wire them money. WILL’s text is to his Dad, and he includes a photo of him kissing ALISON for good luck. NEIL and LISA are kissing. * NOTE: JAY is filming on his camera phone * 3 - DAY 8: We see the reverse of this. In WILL’s dad’s house he gets a text of him kissing ALISON. He shows SUSIE and it brings a tear to his eye.

4 - DAY 8: We see one of the iconic four shots of the boys from earlier, but this time it’s become an eight shot. NOTE: JAY is filming on his camera phone * 5 - DAY 8: SIMON NEIL and WILL are all in the apartment. * There’s a hat on the bedroom doornob. They slowly creep up, then burst in, only to find JAY and JANE fully clothed, eating a pizza. NOTE: BLAKE is filming on a camera phone * The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 130

6 - DAY 9: The four boys all kissing the girls goodbye at the airport. The boys are really crying but the girls aren't. NOTE: JAY is filming on his camera phone * 7 - DAY 9: The boys arriving back at Gatwick to see their * parents waiting. There’s barely a beat and then the four girls all arrive through customs, and are introduced to the parents. JAY introduces JANE to his Dad. The boys then snog * the girls and NEIL looks over LISA’s shoulder to see NICOLE arriving. NOTE: JAY is filming on his camera phone. MR COOPER is * filming on a camcorder. *