Class Clickbait Corn Alex with in news- New Deal Jones THESE papers? good for for hunks? Iowans? KDCR?

page VII page VIII page IX page XIII

4/20/CURRENT YEAR Issue 777 Follow us on AOL

Dordt University cancelled: Dordt College 2 announced Stanley Zeensma - Staff Writer a former student member of the university initiative task force. “I just can’t believe they Excitement and confusion reigned on Monday made this decision, like, four weeks before the morning when President Hoekstra announced at transition. I was so excited to be a part of the a press conference that the planned institutional first graduating class of Dordt University.” name change to Dordt University has been Students quickly took to social media to voice cancelled. their concerns, with #SaveDordtU trending “With the university initiative, the question on Twitter, while student-run meme pages arose as to whether Dordt University was including Instagram’s Zesty Dordt Memes the right name going forward,” Hoekstra and Facebook’s Dordt University Communists said. “But there was a swift, overwhelming poked fun at the board’s indecisiveness. response that the name is both unnecessary and “I feel like my degree isn’t worth as much inappropriate.” now,” sophomore education major Katie Hoekstra said the board of trustees called an DeLaren said. “This really messes things up for unexpected emergency meeting two weeks ago, students’ futures.” where trustees unanimously decided to revoke Meanwhile, Director of Bookstore Services the university initiative, bringing all rebranding Lora DeVries sent out an email declaring a efforts to a halt, effective immediately. The clearance sale on all Dordt University apparel sudden decision arrives after nearly a year at the campus bookstore. of anticipation and preparation for the name “It’s tricky because we just cleared out our Photo by Sandy Shalomy change. old inventory in order to make room for all of “I want to assure everyone that their time, “We are very grateful for our marketing team department would still be compensated for its this new Dordt University gear,” DeVries said, effort and commitment to this project has not and the excellent work they’ve done, and time. mentioning book prices will likely have to be gone unnoticed,” Provost Eric Forseth said. we know they will continue to do great work “This whole ordeal is just so embarrassing,” Continued on page VIII moving forward.” Forseth said the marketing junior business major Ricky Taakema said, Wanna get married quick? Music department adds “Weddings by Siberia” is SoundCloud rapper emphasis Jonathan “Goatlitty” Off - Staff Writer work on the internet, so it makes sense.” your one-stop shop Vanden Slaar defended the practice, claiming “Give us this day our daily bread” is the professionals do it, too. Seńor Flavortown - Staff Writer Vander Zuidema said. frequently recited on campus, but now it will “This new emphasis gives us a great Working discretely with lawmaker Randy also be frequently rapped. The new music major opportunity to reform every square inch of the In Sioux County, it takes $35.00 and three Feenstra—a local politican, Dordt professor and emphasis will allow students to learn skills to SoundClound community,” Director of Campus days to obtain a valid marriage license. But for general supporter of love—Vander Zuidema help deliver the most fire mixtapes the world Ministries & Worship Arts Jon De Groot said. some desperate students, the three-day waiting created a new form of marriage license: the has ever seen. Collaborating with the music department, he period is too much--and local entrepreneurs Dordt Marriage License. With a new emphasis comes new classes. will teach MUS 310: Boring Piano Leads, have seized the opportunity to turn a profit. “It’s $3.50, and it reduces the waiting time to The first discipline-specific course is MUS 140: which cross-lists as a worship arts class. “There’s a lot of blank space in Siberia, so just 30 minutes,” Vander Zuidema said. “All Intro to Mumble Rap, where students will study ART 260: Facial Tattoos will also be offered I thought, why not set up an office there?” you have to do is show your Dordt ID, fill out experts such as Lil Pump, XXXTentacion, Lil now to round out the program. Taught by business major Trenton Vander Zuidema said. the form and wait for the chapel to inflate.” Yachty, and Lil Uzi Vert. Students will also Professor Drissell, aspiring rappers will be able Sitting in a parked white van serving as his Walking to the trunk of the van, Vander come up with their stage name, likely starting to learn about the history of tattooing, as well as “office,” Vander Zuidema spreads out brochures Zuidema pulls out the crumpled, uninflated with “Lil.” Songwriting is covered, too, receive their first ink from art majors. featuring the services his new company, chapel. After plugging in the fan, the white- focusing on trap beats and lyrics about drugs, “If you don’t have face tattoos, you ain’t Weddings by Siberia, offers. Rentable wedding and-gold chapel erects itself in just under 30 sex and money. gonna make it, homie,” Drissell said. He and dresses and suits lay draped over the van seats, minutes. Vander Zuidema pushes aside a curtain “Being a music major isn’t going to Continued on page XII and fake floral arrangements adorn the cup door of cheap tulle to reveal a tarp floor and the allow you to make it big in the scene, but the holders. Boxes hold piles of forms--one of “pulpit,” a Dordt music stand with the “DCB” SoundCloud emphasis will,” recent program Vander Zuidema’s latest additions. crossed out. transfer Tom Van Mata said. Van Mata’s debut, “When you’re in love, you get desperate,” “In Iowa, you have to be ordained to marry Fertilizer, can be found under his stage name of people, so I got ordained by the Universal Life Lil Flourish. Church, or ULC,” Vander Zuidema said. “I did Other new classes will cross-list with other it online--it was super easy.” majors. MUS 240: Intro to Purple Drank, will According getordained.org, “anyone willing also count as a chemistry class. Students will can become a legal minister of the ULC, one learn how to make purple drank (also known as of the world’s largest religious organizations.” lean), the history of purple drank and its effect The ULC allows anyone who feels “called” to on music. join them, and does not require years of study “Lean is a key influence needed when to qualify. making your SoundCloud debut,” music With his credentials, stacks of Dordt Marriage professor Dr. MacInnis said. “Beethoven was Licenses and ready-to-go chapel, Vander leaning all of the time; it helps the ideas start to Zuidema’s business is already attracting flow.” customers. Weekends are his busiest times, and Students taking MUS 420: Advanced Sticky this Saturday is no different. Starting at noon, he Icky will also receive biology credits. MUS 808: has ten couples lined up, filling 30-minute slots Advanced Sampling will meet requirements for from 12:15 p.m. until 5:15 p.m. a computer science course. “I love helping other people find love,” Vander “In programming classes, we just yoink our Zuidema said. “Alright, who’s next?” code from the internet,” computer science major Grant Vanden Slaar said. “With Photo by Seńor Flavortown sampling, you’re just stealing someone else’s Photo by Sandy Shalomy

Bottom Text page II · News· AEC to be renamed Hoops is not happening

Error: [no Shalom found] - Staff Writer employee must work the event whether it is Academic Success Services their day off or not, as unreconcilable with C. Nyor - Staff Writer From now until further notice, there will be Dordt’s teachings of Shalom. no more food stands, prize-winning games “Shalom means peace,” another member says or bouncy house obstacle courses in the Rec mournfully around a mouthful of cookie. “How Center. Hoops Happening is officially Not are we supposed to spread Shalom if we aren’t Happening in the Spring of 2020. even given Shalom in the first place?” Last month, commons workers from all In less than a month, Akire and the CWAH walks of life met in an empty classroom at 1 have become infamous throughout the Dordt a.m. to protest the event. It was the start of a community. Due to the constant movement movement. of meeting places and times, campus security “Anarchy!!!” Dordt sophomore Erika Akire has not been able to locate CWAH, much less shouted from a podium at the front of the shut them down. The members, rumored to room. She shook her fist. “We cannot stand for include almost all commons workers, remain injustice any longer!” anonymous. The only known face of the Students gave her five-minute speech a movement is Akire, who is under constant standing ovation as she adjourned the very scrutiny from Howard Wilson and student first meeting of Commons Workers Against services. Hoops (CWAH). Afterwards, members enjoyed “I’m just using my freedom of speech,” Arike homemade non-Commons chocolate chip said. “Dordt should be proud. I’m bringing cookies and milk—a snack that would later them publicity.” become the staple of CWAH meetings. Until negotiations can be reached on uniforms Arike says the two reasons for CWAH are and work requirements, Dordt officials have the Hoops Happenings uniforms and work decided to suspend Hoops Happening for the requirement. The neon t-shirts every commons spring of 2020. The CWAH hopes to reach an employee must wear instead of their usual gray, agreement by Spring 2021. white or black tones is an outrageous fashion “It would be nice to stop meeting in the middle disaster according to one frustrated member, of the night,” one tired member wistfully said. who has a keen sense of style. Most members “I could finally get more than three hours of see the work requirement, of every commons sleep.” Photo by Sarah Shalomy “That place really kicks butt,” Kleventhorp Dordt College 2 isn’t the only new name on said. “If they think the new name will make campus. Dordt’s Academic Enrichment Center students more aware of the awesome job they Straws banned in the fight announced on Tuesday that it will be rebranding do, I’m all for it.” itself as Academic Success Services in the fall Some other changes will come with the of 2019. updated name. The center will be putting up for turtle’s rights Proponents of the change say the name will new signage and reworking some of the décor help students know what to expect. in their library basement location, but what A. Rockenstocks - Staff Writer it is killing Murtle, too. Now is the time for “What does ‘enrichment’ really mean, about the services themselves? justice. Murder is illegal in America.” anyway?” AEC coordinator Marsha Dutchingha “Oh, we don’t mean to make any internal In an effort to reduce Dordt’s environmental Not everyone is pleased with the new policy. said. “We think the new name is a lot more changes, of course,” Dutchingha said. “We’re fingerprint, the college announced last Friday Some consider the banning of straws as a tangible. We want students to know that we’re just changing the name to encompass what that plastic straws are banned on campus. direct attack on their rights. Freshman Poe Tae invested in their successes, and we’re behind we’ve already been doing for years.” Starting May 13, when Dordt College 2 T. Lays is spearheading the Anti-Anti-Straw them all the way.” That doesn’t mean the help center will just officially transitions to Dordt University, plastic Foundation. The organization already has five So far, campus reactions have been largely be sitting back and relaxing. It will continue to straws will no longer be available in the Grille. members since the announcement on Friday. positive. Many students are excited for the offer tutoring, proofreading, testing locations The Defender Grille transitioned to recyclable “It’s an indication of a wrong way of thinking group. and a quiet place to study for those who need it. cups in place of the old variety. The results about the world, a wrong worldview. Every “They’ve gone through a couple different Dutchingha said the service center’s move proved ineffective. square inch of every straw is part of God’s names over the years,” senior philosophy major was partially inspired by Dordt’s recent name “The poor turtles; recyclable cups aren’t good plan,” Lays said. He says Dordt is infringing on Morton Preston said, “but this one really sits change. enough. Straws are still murdering the turtles,” the rights of other students by encouraging such well with me.” “If they’re updating, there’s no reason we said freshman Harley Cookstra, founder of the reactionary policies. People should choose for Freshman Anna Kleventhorp said the tutoring should stay behind the times,” she said. “After Dordt College 2 Anti-Straw Foundation. Plastic themselves if they would use straws or not. services helped her through both Core 150 and all, we wouldn’t want to be the butt of campus garbage still stacks up outside the Commons. There has been some talk of banning other Core 145. jokes.” The trash cans in the Grille overflow. non-recyclable products at the Grille as well. Meanwhile, in the Pacific Ocean, sea turtles “We considered removing the knives, since are paying the price with their lives. Plastics few people need those. The next step is to get pollute the ocean, destroying the lives of the rid of lids and napkins,” said G.D. Reganam, helpless sea turtles. manager of the Defender Grille. The campus “It is time to take desperate measures. Turtles has mixed reactions to the possibility of such everywhere are suffering,” Cookstra said. measures; however, most are pleased or Since hearing the plight of her turtle family, indifferent towards the changes. Cookstra’s pet turtle Murtle has suffered from “It is a beautiful new day for Murtle and her acute depression. Family,” Cookstra said. “Her family is dying,” Cookstra said, “and

Photo by Sandy Shalomy

Bottom Text · News· page III

Aliens invade Dordt College Game of the summer? Jean-Luc Picard - Staff Writer and we need to be prepared for whatever comes our way.” Fortnite Legends: joyless Last week a series of unidentified flying Rev. Aaron Baart took a much stronger stand, objects were sighted landing near Dordt calling for students to expel the heathens. At College. Soon after, reports of strange visitors least one exorcism took place in the B.J. Haan cash grab edition in the dorms started circulating. Auditorium after chapel as part of the effort to “At first, I thought it was just a prank, get rid of the invaders. Allen Westerbeek - Staff Writer especially after the ‘Tribbles’ raided the Science As temperatures warmed up, the alien visitors Building,” freshman Wesley Crusher said. “But began to display signs of severe allergic when I kept hearing similar stories from my reactions to the grasses on campus. Several friends, I started thinking maybe something’s Martians reboarded their ship, presumably to going on.” receive medical attention. They never came Two different alien races touched down on back out and are assumed to be dead. campus over the course of the week. Girls “I am anxiously waiting for more of those spotted the first group, a ship of Martian scouts, little buggers to drop so I can donate them to in West Hall after open hours. The aliens each the cadaver lab,” senior biology major Beverly received three levels and were removed from Crusher said. “We’ll make history with the stuff the premises. we could learn.” “I just thought my boyfriend had forgotten The Orions came down with symptoms something,” sophomore Deanna Troi said. “I matching those of mono and fled toward Orange got quite the scare when this weird creature City, along with the remaining Martians. They showed up at my door instead.” were last seen heading in the direction of Two days later, a group of Orions landed near Northwestern College. East Hall, again sighted after open hours. They “I think it’s funny that the Raiders are getting also received three levels and an escort from raided,” Troi said. “But I am more impressed campus. In response to both these intrusions, with how well the Defenders defended their Dean of Students Robert Taylor issued a notice homeland.” reminding students to lock their doors and ---Editor’s Note: The president of report any suspicious activity. Northwestern College asked for assistance “Most of the time, we think because we live from Dordt in dealing with the alien threat just in Sioux County, we’re safe from anything that before this issue went to press. We will present could happen,” Taylor said. “That’s not true, this story as it unfolds in future Zircon issues.---

Goat curriculum deemed Photo by Sandy Shalomy Gamers across the globe are gearing up for The creators of Fortnite and Apex Legends are Fortnite Legends. The pre-order site crashed satanic, removed from Ag banding together to create one super game for as 500,000 loyal gamers crammed the website all gaming consoles and on the PC in late May. with orders in less than five minutes. Some The game will incorporate what the majority of program superfans across the US are already lining up fans like about each set of games in a not-so- at GameStops and other video game vendors to new twist on the battle royale concept. There’s Anneli Kanerva - Staff Writer including goats. After seeing goats used in buy the game, even though the majority are well one catch: It’s going to cost money. But for association with witchcraft, the professors aware they can just download the game from most epic gamers, it’s not an issue. Dordt professors have determined teaching banded together to remove the goat curriculum their home. “We just got so sick of stealing each other’s students about goats is “unbiblical” and have from Dordt’s programs. Some fans don’t even know if the game will ideas, we thought we might as well just merge removed goat curriculum from the Agriculture Some students are in favor of removing the be good, but would just like to say they own it. our two companies together and secure the program. The school seems happy with the goat curriculum from Dordt’s agriculture “The trailer of the game was literally just a bag,” Fortnite creator Darren Sugg said in a decision, but most students are just plain program. Agriculture student Steven Lyon still shot of a sack of potatoes with the caption, press conference on Friday. “It just seemed confused. claims he was surprised to see the portrayal of ‘C’mon, we know you’re gonna buy it,’” one fan like an easy way to make more money without Historically, goats have been associated with the goat named Black Phillip in “The Witch” said. “That being said, I will definitely buy the having to come up with any more original ideas. witchcraft and Satanism. Bible verses about (2015), even as an avid horror movie fan. game. Media always portray game developers That’s the dream.” separating sheep from goats point to goats “After I watched ‘The Witch’, I couldn’t as heartless business tycoons vacuuming the Suggs said the game will most certainly have as demonic animals. Goats were commonly help but feel creeped out around the goats,” gaming society for every nickel and dime we a price tag. He also admits the concept is not sacrificed animals that have more recently Lyon said. “The terrifying bug-eyes, watching have. But they care about us! They’re not just in anything new. become associated with Satanists. everything you do, just make you feel terrified it for the money.” “Listen, man, you think it was easy dumping The issue came up at Dordt after several after a while, you know?” “I am solely in this for the money,” Suggs said that much time and money into a free game?” professors became aware of goats’ status Dordt College’s board of trustees voted at the end of the press conference. “Just wait till Suggs said. “Now it’s my turn to make an as Satanic animals due to popular movies unanimously in favor of removing the goat you see how many microtransactions there are overpriced game fans will most certainly buy and TV. Most notably, recent shows such curriculum on Monday, April 15. The program in this bad boy.” like other bigshot game developers.” as “American Horror Story: Coven,” “The will be removed by the fall semester. The game is set to come out in stores and will What is perhaps a bigger shock than this Order” and “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” be available for download on May 27th. unforeseeable collaboration is the reaction. have popularized many symbols of witchcraft, Dordt announces new conference lineup

Laquisha Risquisha - Staff Writer PLoG? By deciding to host celebrities such as Tom Cruise, who will be giving his paper on Due to the outstanding turnout for Dordt’s “Why Scientology is the Only True Way and recent Prodigal Love of God Conference, Basically You’re All Idiots,” J.K. Rowling the administrative board of the college has with her presentation “Every Character I Write decided to host another, similar conference next is Secretly Gay and So Are You,” and Trent semester. However, due to some outcry about Reznor of the band Nine Inch Nails. liberal Christians being the main speakers, the “I think trashing Christianity will be a benefit board has taken this into account and decided to society overall, it will bring the whole world to go in a different direction by hosting liberal closer together once we get rid of this whole non-Christians and titling the conference “The ‘eternal life in eternal bliss’ thing. Who even Prodigal Love of God?” wants that anyways?” said Rowling. “I think this is definitely a step in the right “I’m also super excited to give my message to direction,” the board said in a statement, “now these mindless students,” said Cruise. “I hope that we’ve corrupted, sorry, shown the other that Xenu the Almighty will bless my speech side of the spectrum to the students here, we and help me enslave these new minds to our feel that we can now begin the next stage of our galactic cause.” plan to become exactly like Calvin College.” Tickets will be available next semester for the Dordt has gone all out for the big names for low price of six dollars and sixty-six cents. Photo by Sandy Shalomy

Bottom Text page IV · Nyoos· Pro-tech trucks banned on Kanye West chosen as campus Commencement speaker Lawyer Trailmix - Staff Writer With the transition to Dordt College 2 right after Yandhi Vest - Staff Writer graduation this spring, Student Services will be You’re lying in bed, just about to drift off enforcing the ban on all trucks registered under to sleep. It’s been a long day of studying, and Pro-Tech students. you have a big test tomorrow. It’s the first nice But Dordt isn’t planning on leaving these Pro- evening out since last fall, and a spring breeze Tech students without vehicles. A new grant blows through your window. available for Pro-Tech students will help pay You take it all in, until suddenly you hear the for a quieter and fuel efficient vehicle. roaring of a loud engine and the screeching “I think this is a great direction for Dordt and of tires burning on parking lot asphalt. You’re the Pro-Tech program,” President Hoekstra knocked out of your state of zen, and you can’t said. “I am pushing for Dordt’s budget to sleep thanks to a drag race outside your dorm completely focus on the Pro-Tech program in window. the next couple years to come.” Photo by Sandy Shalomy Many students, staff and Sioux Centerians Each grant applicant will receive enough Following Professor Tara Boer’s sudden “You try to make music like I do. Does anybody have complained about the noise and money to purchase a brand new 2019 smart car resignation, the graduation committee met make real s**t anymore?” commotion for years now. Police have been valued at around $25,000. In addition, Dordt and found a new commencement speaker. When he heard about the new SoundCloud working at keeping it under control, but, after will change all Pro-Tech parking spaces to World-renowned, controversial rapper Kanye rapper emphasis to be offered at Dordt, West years of chasing trucks with little success, the “Pro-Tech Compact Car Only” spaces. These West will instead give the address for the final expressed interest in possibly serving as a Dordt board and Sioux Center representatives spaces will also include charging stations, so graduating class of Dordt College. professor. came to a compromise to ban trucks owned only the vehicles will always have a place to park Boer’s resignation came after her realization Some students have expressed their concern by Pro-Tech students. with a full charge. that she’s one of the most attractive professors about West’s speaking at Dordt. According to police records and Dordt’s “I can’t believe I have to say goodbye to my on campus. “I already get enough crap from my parents registrar records, there has been a correlation big, muddy and loud 4x4 pick-up truck for “When I started to notice students staring about how terrible my generation is,” senior between Dordt vehicles registered with Pro- next year,” Pro-Tech student Jim Bob Vander at me instead of their classmates, I realized Pam Vande Lost said. “I feel like Kanye spouting Tech students. These records aided in the Soybean said. “My mom made me apply for something was up,” Boer said. She will now be nonsense on the stage of the B.J. Haan is just decision of specifically targeting Pro-Tech this grant and said I’m either driving that smart switching carries to become a model. Her first going to give them [my parents] more reasons students. car or walking to my internship next fall.” photo shoot is scheduled for next week. to complain.” Vande Lost has preemptively “If it’s still an issue in the future, we will Student Services strongly encourages Pro- West has been the source of controversy, forfeited all her graduation tickets. reassess and possibly ban all Dordt Students Tech students to take advantage of this great most recently concerning his comments about Other students are excited to hear what the from owning pick-up trucks,” Sioux Center offer. In anticipation of uproar, Dordt has also slavery and his support of President Trump. critically-acclaimed rapper has to say. Police Chief Mike Halma said at last week’s banned Pro-Tech students from driving their “Kanye may have some social stigma against “Have you ever heard ‘Stronger’?” senior meeting. tractors. him,” President Erik Hoekstra said, “but what Jacob Tultssma said. “That song absolutely The 2019 fall semester will see lots of changes. people need to realize is his College Dropout slaps. Bigtime banger.” was followed up with a Graduation.” West Despite his recent interest in Dordt, West holds an honorary doctorate from the School of originally did not care about our beloved school. the Art Institute of Chicago. He has also been “I just wanted to speak where Donald Trump the recipient of 21 Grammy Awards. stood,” West said. “His dragon energy is “I’ve established that I Am A God,” West said. something I keep striving for.” “I’m more than qualified to talk about God.” Regardless of what West decides to speak We’re not sure he’s talking about the track off about, the final graduation of Dordt College is of Yeezus, or if he’s being serious. Within the going to be one to remember. past year, West has also revealed he struggles “When a school has Kanye West, they’re at with bipolar disorder. their Kanye best,” West said. “It’s called having superpowers,” West said.

Zircon Staff MMXVIII-MMXIX

Total Dictators: Assistant Drag-n- Bourgeoisie: Yee Lim Shin Janelle Cammenga Drop: Justin Banks Spencer Short Garth Van Donselaar Emma Stoltzfus Benjamin Boersma Zachary Steensma Alicia Bonestroo Emma Stoltzfus News Fabricators: Reality Shapers: Erika Buiter Sawyer Strelnieks Zach Steensma Sarah Dykstra Harrison Burns Alex Van Den Top Garth Van Donselaar Jonathan Fictorie Evangeline Colarossi Connor Van Hulzen Zach Sandford Tess Hemmila Rochelle VanderHelm Drag-n-Drop: Sawyer Strelnieks Haemi Kim Sarah Widener Retasya Badudu Sam Landstra Language Handlers: Joshua Meribole Pizza Delivery Boi: Janelle Cammenga Caleb Pollema Lee Pitts Photo by Sawyer Shalomy Anneke Wind Danielle Schultz Dordt hosts 2020 democratic presidential debate

Harry Flames - Staff Writer released a blistering statement rebuking Dordt assumed he had any policy positions. When should not be lecturing me on a ‘hands-off for hosting. pressed, he became manic and was carried off approach.’” The crowd let out a mix of cheers As most of the 2020 Democrats have already “We no like evil Libs. Democrats bad. We the stage as he screamed, “I AM SPARTACUS! and jeers as the candidates continued to launch announced their candidacy for President, Dordt protect free speech. They don’t. So, we think I AM SPARTACUS!” This rocky start was shots at each other. College requested to host a debate and invited they should not speak,” they said. representative of the chaos of the entire debate. Beto O’Rourke, annoyed by the many voices the candidates to Sioux Center, Iowa. Despite this strong resistance, the Democrats Sanders made headlines in trying to appeal talking over each other, eventually climbed on “I didn’t expected them to say yes,” political did indeed arrive and commenced the first to conservative voters. top of his podium and stood waving his hands science professor Jeff Taylor said. “The debate in the B.J. Haan auditorium. Bernie “The American people are right not to trust calling for unity. The candidates did briefly Democratic candidates rarely campaign any Sanders, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, Beto the government, because Donald Trump is unite in a laugh when Taylor insisted O’Rourke farther north than Sioux City”. O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren, Cory Booker and in charge!” he said. “You shouldn’t trust the place his feet firmly on the ground. However, it seemed the many nominees were more all participated. government to do anything right. Except if you Just when the night seemed empty of eager to strike first blood against each other and Even Joe Biden came to the stage, despite still elect me as president, then you can trust the unexpected moments, one hour into the debate agreed to the unprecedented debate. All major not officially announcing his candidacy. Jeff government to do everything!” a helicopter landed outside next to the Dordt candidates arrived in April, sparking passionate Taylor, who hosted the debate, asked the former Warren launched off Sanders’ enthusiasm clock tower. Out stepped Hillary Clinton, who responses from the local community. Some Vice President why he appeared on stage. for heavy government oversight, stating how stormed the debate stage, ripped the mic from college students praised the opportunity to hear “I’m just here to have a conversation about the big banks needed to be kept in check. Biden Buttigieg, and announced she will once again from the other side, as Dordt usually manages to this country’s future,” Biden said. “But no, I’m quickly went on the offensive, striking at the running for president. Sanders let out an audible only draw Republican candidates. Others feared not running yet. Or am I? I don’t really know, Senator. groan and slammed his head into the podium. such an event was unwise, especially after a to be honest.” “I value Senator Warren’s passion, but her Taylor, at a loss for how to proceed, cut the demon spawned in 1606 during “The Prodigal The debate immediately became heated policies are too extreme for our nation.” He said. debate short. Dordt received a large amount of Love of God Conference” just a few weeks when Taylor asked each candidate to lay “We shouldn’t shackle the market but instead press for the next few weeks as the media reeled earlier. out policy positions they would prioritize as should have a more hands-off approach.” from the shockwaves of the debate. It remains The Sioux County Conservatives were President. Cory Booker refused to answer, Warren hit back at Biden: “In light of recent to be seen if Dordt will host a presidential particularly riled at the news of the debate and stating it was a loaded question, because it headlines Mr. Vice President, you of all people debate again. Bottom Text · Knoos· page V Dordt involved in college admissions scandal

Cole DeTrump - Staff Writer an injury, people began to look deeper into her Van said. “It was called The Kuyperian Calvin administration, including coaches, have been story, cracking the case wide open. Scholarship for Aspiring Reformers who want found to be aware of SCANDaL. A new scandal revealed by The Zircon is “I played an adaptable version of a football to Help Children in Desperate Need.” “We took the money because we wanted to sending waves through the Dordt Community. game for Math in school. I guess my mum got To apply, the students had to write their attract more talented kids to play sports,” one Ten parents paid over $12 million to allow their confused,” Jaler said. declaration of faith, as well as a paper about coach said in an attempt to defend his actions. children to attend Dordt College. According The scandal doesn’t stop there. Parents such the Reformed worldview. The scholarship But this did not stop him and the rest of the to an email intercepted by authorities, the as Eric Van Dal went a little further with the was pioneered by an organization called Save coaches from upgrading all their cars. The total parents paid coaches to accept their non-athletic scandal. Van Dal paid a theology student to Christian Adults in Need, Donate a Little cost of the new vehicles was $300,000 each. students into the college. write the declarations of faith as well as a (SCANDaL). “We wanted to show Dordt was a very “I wanted my kids to get a good Christian reformation paper to have his children to be The Zircon compared the documents theology luxurious school when we tried to recruit Reformed education and bring reformation to allowed entrance. students submitted and what Dordt received in students,” the coach said. Hollywood,” involved parent Mrs. Applestraw “The theology kids needed more money, and admissions documents. They were identical. Dordt College remains shocked as more said. She paid for her daughter to join the I needed to get my kids into Dordt,” Van Dal Students who won the scholarship received revelations come as to what parents did to get football team, which ultimately led to the said. “I believe the Reformed worldview will $100. Mr. Orange Van Graceor, the CEO of the their children accepted to Dordt. Students who scandal being broken apart. change the world, and I wanted my kids to be organization, received $12 million dollars. worked to make the sports roster complained. Applestraw’s daughter Jaler was set to part of the revolution.” By donating money to SCANDaL, Van “I spent the holidays getting ready to join become the first female football player in Iowa. Theology students were not aware of the Graceor paid Dordt graphic design students to the soccer team,” Mark Oland said. “I puked This attracted a lot press coverage, as people scandal. create an image of her kids playing sports. several times because of all the workouts I did.” anticipated seeing her on the field. However, “We got an email saying we can apply for a “We thought we were competing in a As the case is currently in court, the Dordt after not turning up for any games because of scholarship,” theology student Dave Vander Photoshop competition,” art major Mady community waits for criminal charges to Van Ocean said. A few people in the Dordt descend. Innocent Christian students Opinion: stop falling for exposed to secular music phishing emails Doug Tinkerbell - Guest Writer and confiscate your phone because if you cannot thanks to construction wor- responsibly handle electronic mail than you do Alright, everybody listen up because I’m only not deserve to reap the benefits of generations going to say this one more time…well I guess of technological achievement. You literally all kers that’s not entirely true. We all know this is going have supercomputers in your pockets. You to keep happening. But that’s exactly why I’m spoiled brats have lived so long with filters that Seńor Flavortown- Staff Writer mid-2010s—radio-edited Katy Perry—I felt writing this. Time and time again you all keep you forget how to survive when they fail. violated.” clicking on suspicious, blatantly suspicious Here’s the deal, idiots. If an email is from Raised in the Christian Reformed Church links. It’s as if no one is even listens to me or someone you don’t really know, rarely interact since birth, Woudstra believes pop music is learns from past experience. with, or weren’t expecting an email from, and if “of the devil” and “corrupts young people’s How could you even be so gullible? Spam it has an oddly short subject or greeting line or minds.” After making a strongly-worded email has been around for decades now, and body of text, and if it has a link with no other recommendation to the construction workers, the fact that you people still haven’t figured it remotely realistic, relevant, or explanatory their dial tuned itself to KDCR, and Casting out baffles me. I suppose I can at least kind of information attached, THEN IT IS PROBABLY Crown’s crooning voices replaced the thumping understand some of the older, less tech savvy A SCAM. beat of Perry’s “Dark Horse.” among you. But students? Seriously? You were For God’s sake. We are living at the height “I didn’t mind the more modern music,” all born into the information age. You guys grew of the industrial age. Human technology has Willem VanTjeerdsma said. “When I heard up with the internet. How do you not recognize never been more advanced than it is now, yet ‘Dark Horse’ blasting from the construction a scam when you see one? Please, someone you primal, inconceivably stupid ungrateful site, I danced a little on my way to class. Now Photo by Sandy Shalomy explain it to me because I seriously cannot [redacted] nincompoops can’t be bothered that it’s quiet Christian music, the pep in my understand how you could all be so dumb. to heed my warnings and read your emails Drilling. Clanking. The sweet, sweet tunes of step is gone.” I swear if I receive one more [redacted] carefully. sinful pop music. These sounds have emanated Regardless of lost joy, Woudstra feels she has phishing email from any of you, I will lock you So Please, for the love of God, STOP falling from the nursing building since the beginning of done her duty to protect the young Christian out of your email, personally hunt you down, for phishing emails. construction. Plastic barriers make no attempt minds on campus. to keep the heathen tunes away from innocent “Christianity is not supposed to be joyful,” students’ ears--and some have had enough. Woudstra said. “Christianity is supposed to “I was raised on Veggietales, Karen Kingsbury be gray, somber and emotionless at all times, Opinion: remove bathroom novels and Newsboys,” sophomore Sarah unless you’re singing a Skillet song.” Woudstra said. “When I heard the sounds of divisions Rymantha McLovin - Staff Writer team Dallas Fuel stealing the Bunsen Brew’s logo, it is unknown when, or if, the issue will be How to avoid the stress of The Dordt Science Department recently raised. This isn’t acceptable, something needs place a lockable stall around a urinal—a truly to be done, NOW. “stress management” controversial move. Although there is obvious, Dr. Hoesktra, tear down these stalls. radical-left, transgender, multicultural, New Insert Name Here - Staff Writer am!” sophomore Bubu Chuggu said.“Now I World Order fascism at work here, many wake up every day worrying if I am managing students don’t see a problem with the new stall In a study done by the WSTO (We Study my stress in the right way.” being added. Things Organization), researchers found the Bubu is not alone, as many students have Of the ten Dordt College students interviewed, stress of stress itself is continually on the rise at expressed that the revelation of stress has five laughed and walked away, three gave college campuses. WSTO attributes this rise to induced more stress than they originally had. expletive-heavy quotes directed at the the increased awareness and marketing of stress “I try to not think about my stress and keep interviewer, and one said they did not care and management programs. pressing forward, but now I see the word asked us to “please stop attempting to interview “Many of these programs are well-intentioned, ‘stress’ every day,” senior Fransica Van de Van people while they used the bathrooms.” One but the bombardment of the word ‘stress’ in said. “Sometimes, I literally vomit when I see student agreed to an interview, on the condition college students’ lives is actually increasing the word.” of anonymity. stress levels across the country,” head WSTO WSTO has concluded 100 percent of all “Just get rid of all the dividers then,” he said. researcher Monocle Richards said. students experience some form of stress. While “Not only will getting rid of all the restroom Dordt is not immune to this strange the organization doesn’t encourage people to dividers stop the entire transgender movement phenomenon of students receiving advice on ignore the problems stress might be causing in its tracks, it also provides many social stress management on a daily basis. From in their lives, they also express concern of benefits. Dordt College is all about bringing student health emails on stress-managing tips oversaturating the college life with anti-stress people together, and the quickest way to be able to pamphlets in the commons describing the campaigns. to get personal with someone is when they’re dangers of stress and even stress management This backlash has resulted in new workshops sitting right next to you with their pants down. sessions, the word “stress” is hard to avoid. entitled, “How to Deal with the Stress of Stress It seems like it would be a very humbling While these programs have had some beneficial Workshops.” experience. Not to mention it would be easier to results, many individuals have seen harmful “I’m confused,” junior Flugmuffin McGee get more toilet paper if you needed it.” effects. said. his confusion seems to be a universal This recommendation has been brought up “I knew I had some stress at college, reaction. to Dordt’s administrative board, but, due to the but seeing the posters every day for ‘Stress “Stress is not unbeatable, but it can be tricky current suit over the Major League Gaming Photo by Sandy Shalomy Management’ showed me how stressed I really to get our hands around,” Richards said.

Bottom Text page VI Faeture Steve King to join Dordt The Canadian cult at Dordt business department pending Rockenstocks- Staff Writer election loss Anneli Kanerva - Staff Writer

As Steve King and Randy Feenstra prepare to face off in an upcoming race for a United States congressional seat, King is beginning to consider his options if he loses. Feenstra currently holds a position as an Instructor of Business Administration at Dordt College, but if he wins the race for congress, he will likely have to give up teaching. Now, it appears King is eyeing up the vacancy at Dordt. Feenstra is the run-away favorite in the upcoming race. King has faced strong political opposition due to his polarizing tactics, but Feenstra’s more reasonable approach seems Photo by Sandy Shalomy to be earning him praise. With Feenstra’s popularity, King’s chances of winning are of unique pronunciation and inside jokes. One plummeting, and his campaign team has They meet almost every day in the Southeast might hear two Canadians speaking to each advised him to seek out new employment. Photo by Sandy Shalomy corner of the library, a collection of average- other in this special language, which sounds King’s political career may be coming to skeptical of allowing King to teach, but the looking people. They seem just like any other much like normal English words all arranged in an end, but his teaching career is yet to begin. Sioux County Conservatives are pleased with Dordt student: tallish, whitish and Dutchish, but different ways. If King takes a position in Dordt’s business the development. The group has already taken one thing draws them to each other. One thing “It’s simply a way to get to be a part of the department, the department has proposed to add on many roles in Dordt’s community and are makes them more than average: They are the community, to get to know other Canucks,” new classes that will channel King’s expertise. excited to have one of their favorite politicians Canadians. one such “Canuck” said. For the most part, Some of these classes include Political teach on campus. Many SCC members express This group has come together in solidarity and the cult’s activities are innocent and under the Manipulation, Social Media Marketing, The their hopes Steve King will impart his political Sugar Maple Leaf pride through the Coalition radar, with quiet meetings in Covey Basement. History of White Nationalism and Public Image wisdom on Dordt’s extremely liberal campus of Canadian Culture Crusaders (CCCC)—a Entrance is allowed with the password: the right Management. and upon students to empower them to run for minor cult. Cultism isn’t expressly prohibited pronunciation of “sorry.” Some are concerned Some members of Dordt’s community are government positions. in the Dordt College student handbook, and they have ulterior motives. this cult is largely ignored by most Dordt’s “They’re just too nice all the time; it seems campus. Every once in a while, they become shady,” senior Consy-Theo Wrist said. “You radical, resulting in public displays like the know what I think? I think it’s all a charade, “Canada Day” celebration in 55th last month. to make us get comfortable.” He elaborates on Taz opens ‘dancers for Maple Syrup drinking games, unusual foods how the CCCC behaves much like a spy ring. and special Canadian music encompassed the He thinks the Canadian government has some Jesus’ crowd with Canadian fervor. grand plan to infiltrate Dordt College. One can only be accepted into the coalition “We have to be ready,” Wrist said. Senor Flavortown - Staff Writer wrong to exploit that weakness, as long as it once he has mastered their code. It is a mixture was benefiting others.” A tall, silver pole stretches from floor to The repetitive chords of Christian rock ceiling in the faculty lounge next to the theology bands like Skillet and Relient K welcome club Dordt student sent to ER pod. Mini disco balls hang in a circle around visitors, who stuff their entrance fee--a holy the pole, multi-colored Christmas lights line amount of $144 dollars--into a large box in the walls, the faculty coffee machine has been front of the beaded curtain. Once inside, they from AdvoCare overdose replaced with a boombox, and a curtain of beads seat themselves around the pole to watch the blocks the wide entrance. main event: reverse-stripping. Allen Westerbeek - Staff Writer nurse attending to Kyle’s IV fluids said. “It’s This, according Professor Mark Tazelaar, is the Performing the reverse-stripping dance riddled with harmful chemicals.” home of Sioux Center’s first gentlemen’s club, tonight is Rahab Delilah Den Hartogsma, a local Medical professionals pronounced Kyle Despite all this, other members of the “Dancers for Jesus.” Tazelaar, widely rumored woman who enjoys dancing on the weekends to Stuarts, junior business administration major at AdvoCare team don’t show any signs of to be the Dude from “The Big Lebowski,” earn extra cash. Dordt College, in critical condition at a Sanford discontinuing their supplement-fueled lifestyle. decided to open the club to help provide funding “I like working at ‘Dancers for Jesus’ because Emergency Room in Sioux Falls at 4 a.m. on “He probably was just eating too many carbs for the philosophy and theology departments. it’s wholesome,” Den Hartogsma said. “In fact, Tuesday, April 9. The culprit? AdvoCare. and not enough protein,” three-year AdvoCare “Jesus hung around prostitutes all the during the reverse-stripping dance, I put on as “He always tried to convince us how lean representative Tyler VanderTein said. “You time,” Tazelaar said. “That’s why I called this many clothes as I can. The patrons love it.” and healthy these products were,” longtime really have to eat right and live a healthy ‘Dancers for Jesus.’ Our club patrons’ money By the end of the night, Den Hartogsma is roommate Jeremy Lanstra stated. “I just don’t lifestyle in order to take AdvoCare, otherwise goes directly to the philosophy and theology wearing at least 20 dresses, 10 sweatshirts, 12 think he really knew much about that stuff, it won’t work.” departments, which is basically the same thing scarves, and 7 pairs of socks. Though her face is which was why we never bought it.” As of right now, it looks like Stuarts will make as tithing in church.” almost completely obscured from view, patrons Kyle and his roommates had a long-term feud a full recovery. After the chemicals flushed out At 8:00 p.m., the dancers file in. They are cheer and throw dollar bills in her general over the health benefits of AdvoCare. It looks of his body, he regained consciousness around clothed in long dresses which both scandalously direction. Afterwards, Tazelaar tallies her total like they may have found their answer. 6:45 a.m. reveal their ankles and feature a cold-shoulder at $400 for the night. Doctors at Sanford diagnosed Stuarts with In a short over-the-phone interview, Stuarts design to show what is largely considered the “Rahab Delilah keeps all of that. I just take acute sucralose poisoning. Sucralose is an said he can’t wait to get back in the gym. When most sexual part of the body by local Christians. the entry fees,” Tazelaar said. “‘Dancers for artificial sweetener found in high doses in one of asked if he will continue taking the supplements Tazelaar turns on the boombox. Jesus’ is just a great place for people to sit back, AdvoCare’s top selling products: Spark. While after the incident, Kyle says he will. Without a “We humans are creatures of the flesh,” relax and remember that all human sexuality is not much is known about the chemical, medical doubt. Tazelaar said. “After years of philosophical inherently wrong.” professionals believe it is difficult for the body “If this experience has taught me anything, it’s debate with myself, I decided it would not be to digest. It can inhibit the body’s ability to that AdvoCare is the real deal,” Kyle said. “The absorb medication, which is what happened in results don’t lie, and I’ve seen how this product Kyle’s case. can help people lose weight. Or gain muscle. Or “You couldn’t pay me to take that stuff,” a gain and lose muscle at the same time.”

Photo by Sarah Shalomy

Bottom Text Fheeture page VII The secret campus police enforces “justice” on campus Inspector Jacques Clousseau- Staff Writer over. One of the figures popped his head out the themselves “The Enforcers,” claim to be acting number of parking fines issued this month has driver’s side window. on behalf of Student Services until the personnel been cut in half. Last Monday night: The fire lane between “Where to?” troubles within campus security are resolved. “You can say what you like about their East and North Halls are abuzz with students. “Anywhere but here,” said their leader. “Put it Their methods include issuing fake tickets, methods, but they’re getting the job done,” Some of them are dropping off friends. Others on the rec center roof, for all I care. Just get it hotwiring illegally parked vehicles and driving interim security director Charles Lytton said. walked to the neighboring dorms. A few of out of here. Then run this guy’s plates and send them off campus, and even stealing the wheel “The number of parking violations is down so them, dressed in black sweatpants and black him an email saying we ‘towed’ his precious restraints and “booting” vehicles themselves. low, we can manage even all but two of our staff hoodies, stood just around the corner of North truck.” “We’re not trying to cause trouble,” said one on strike.” Hall and watched. One of them, who looked to His friend nodded and drove away while the Enforcer referred to as “L.” “We’re simply Ironically, Lytton ended up on the receiving be in charge of the group, pointed at a pair of remaining people got ready to remove the other filling in until we find someone who can end of the Enforcers’ policy a few hours after trucks parked near the east end of the fire lane. truck. adequately enforce campus parking policy.” his comments. He had just pulled up to the “Those guys haven’t moved in a while,” he Repeated strikes among campus security work Some students believe the group is causing Campus Center fire lane when “L” wandered said. study students took place within the past few more harm than good. by, snapped a picture on his cell phone and “Give ‘em another two minutes,” the fellow weeks. After they received unsatisfactory pay “There has been days where the fire lane is summoned the rest of his group. next to him said. “It’s only been eight minutes raises during negations, almost all campus just lined with cars that have been booted,” “No flashers,” “L” remarked. since we got here.” security workers stopped showing up to work. sophomore Charles Dreyfus said. “I couldn’t “He’s got five minutes yet,” said one of the They ducked around the corner as a group of Campus security has since relied on two loyal get anywhere near the dorms.” others. students left East Hall and wandered across the students to lock campus buildings and enforce Other students claim the group has gone “Doesn’t matter,” said another. “He doesn’t fire lane toward North Hall. No one came to parking policies. beyond just filling in for security. have his flashers on.” claim the trucks. Finally, I heard a voice from Meanwhile, the number of violations had “One of their members ticketed my car While waiting the remaining five minutes, the darkness behind North Hall. been steadily increased over the past few weeks a couple nights ago,” freshman Raymond the group broke into Lytton’s car and started “Ten minutes, people. Let’s go.” due to the lack of security presence on campus. Laroque said. “I knew it was a fake ticket, so I hotwiring it. Eight figures crept out from the shadows and Several students have begun using vigilante didn’t pay. After class the next day, I found my Lytton came back just as his time ran out. The surrounded one of the trucks. One of them tried tactics out of frustration. Students have engaged room trashed and a note saying I still owed for Enforcers scattered in all directions while one the door. It opened easily. in quasi-vigilante tactics in the past to enforce the ticket.” of them took off down the sidewalk in Lytton’s “Figures,” someone said. “This is Sioux campus parking regulations, with stunts ranging In spite of their forceful techniques, it would car. Center, after all. I’m betting he even left the from Saran wrap to outright vandalism. Nothing appear the Enforcers are turning the tide. The “Guess they wanted to remind people that no keys in the ignition, didn’t he?” reached the current level of organization. number of fire lane violations this month has one is above the rules,” Lytton said. As if in response, the truck engine turned These eight students, who prefer to call decreased by over 60 percent, while the overall Student builds shrink ray, Shalomy Homies gang makes mini ping pong table overtakes Dordt Silence Dogood - Staff Writer N. Gineer - Staff Writer first gang, all you need to do is seek shalom and contact Dr. Master Timmer. If you don’t know Get ready for Sioux Center’s newest gang: what shalom means, you probably don’t even the newly founded Shalomy Homies. Mostly go here. If you are an uncultured Dordt student composed of engineering students from KT, who still wants to know, find your nearest Dr. Master Timmer’s classes, the gang is open engineer. to everyone, and once you join, you won’t ever Gang rules are as simple as seeking shalom, want out. 24/7. This includes classes, professor’s offices, “We’re going to be seeking so much freakin’ your room and anywhere else on campus. Once shalom, it’s gonna cover every square inch of you achieve an elite position in the gang, you this entire community,” junior Sandy Shalomy must seek shalom beyond campus, wherever said. “But forget about only affecting this you are. Elite members may look intimidating community! Let’s go and spread this Shalomy with their engineering shirts and skateboards, Homie gang to the world.” the gang itself is far from it. Their main objective: Spread the news of There is a gang entrance fee, which covers shalom while wearing sweatshirts, hats and your top-notch shirts, hat and pocket protector. button-down T-shirts with pocket protectors, just This entrance fee helps the gang achieve their like Dr. Master Timmer. Shouts of “Flourish!” shalomy progress. When the gang reaches the can be heard resounding from any member. peak of their shalomy progress, they can spread No one except the members themselves really shalom not just to Sioux Center, but over in know what this means. Northwestern, Iowa State, and the rest of the They won’t have one gang president. community. According to Sandy, “That isn’t the way to fully “The churches aren’t going to know how seek shalom.” Instead, everyone in the gang to handle this,” Sandy said. When churches will be a president. The Shalomy Homie group respond this way, the Shalomy Homies Gang Photo by Sandy Shalomy will spread so much shalom around campus, can make their move and help incorporate students will be “flooding in their top-notch shalom into regular church services. People will play doubles on now,” club member Jeff Wilson Zachary Sanford’s dorm looks about like any grades,” Sanford said. Despite sounding like a no longer fight over their regular pews because said. “We don’t have to dive for balls as often, other male college student’s. That is, with the cross between communism and world peace, the an attitude of shalom will fix that right away. but it’s hard to maneuver when the table is so exception of a large blue device sitting on his gang wants to be known only for their shalomy The gang meets regularly every evening in the small.” desk that looks like it would be more at home in deeds and mindsets. science building. Other objects that have fallen victim to the a cheap science fiction novel. If you are interested in joining your (probably) shrink ray tests include unfinished homework Sanford, a sophomore electrical engineering and random pieces of furniture around campus. student, claims to have built a working shrink- “I never take out the trash anymore,” Sanford ray. Supposedly built from supplies borrowed said on practical applications of the device. “I from the maintenance building and various just hit trash bags a few times with the ray and science labs, the shiny blue shrink ray certainly they disappear.” His roommate didn’t wish to looks legit. comment on the shrink ray, but did mention the “It was actually fairly easy,” Sanford said of dorm room is much cleaner now. his groundbreaking invention. “It started off as When questioned on the ethical aspects of a a theoretical paper for an engineering class and device that could very potentially be used as took off from there.” a weapon, Sanford pledged to never use the He has already put the shrink ray through shrink ray on a living being, citing the influence several successful test runs, the first being on a learning about shalom had on his engineering ping pong table and set of paddles. education at Dordt. The table actually belongs to Dordt College’s At this point, Sanford plans to patent the Table Tennis Club, of which Sanford is a regular shrink ray and work with a tech company to member. Formerly one of two regulation-sized produce it on a larger scale. Until then, he’ll ping pong tables owned by the club, the table at continue challenging others on the miniature its current size needs to be elevated to be played ping-pong table. on. “Everybody needs a tiny ping-pong table,” Sanford said he always wanted to play ping Sanford said. “That’s probably half the reason pong on a tiny table, but figured building one I built a shrink ray.” himself would be too difficult. “I haven’t decided if it’s harder or easier to Photo by Sandy Shalomy

Bottom Text page VIII Knews Top ten reasons why clickbait doesn’t work in printed newspapers - the answer may surprise you Stephen A. Smith - Staff Writer content to be published digitally on a computer Believe it or not, you can’t actually click on #1: Newspapers are printed on physical paper a newspaper. No really, we tried it. It doesn’t Interestingly enough, the word “newspaper” work. Newspapers don’t even have USB ports. is derived from the root words “news,” that You dumb kids. Unless the story is published is, newly-received information regarding online, there’s no way it will ever be clicked on, important local and global events, and “paper,” which means there’s no way for us to get that a thin, sheet-like substance created from wood sweet, sweet ad revenue. pulp and harvested from trees, on which information can be printed using ink. Not that #4: Coming up with lists is actually harder you gosh darn kids would even know what than you think paper is. You’re all so spoiled with your high I actually didn’t foresee that I would run out interest loans and stagnant incomes. Back in of things to add to this list so quickly. We’re in my day, we called iPads “books” and snapchat a real pickle now, fam. “going outside.” Get some bootstraps, you ungrateful chumps. #5: I’m probably going to get fired.

#2: “Clicking” refers to the act of pressing a button on a computer mouse For all of you epic gamers out there, you already know what a mouse is. But for all of you normie Chads, a mouse is not just a navigational tool for your computer. It is an extension of the mind and soul. That’s why clickbait articles are so effective. They appeal to readers’ dumb interests in finding out useless and even fake information by withholding the most pertinent information from a story, which, by the way, is the very opposite of good journalism. Photo by Stephen A. Smith #3: The very act of “clicking” requires the Dordt tunnels lead to (cont.) Dordt University Narnia? cancelled: Dordt 2 Peter II - Staff Writer “It took us a whole week to slip past the guards and explore the tunnels. That’s when we were announced Maintenance tells students the underground warped into Narnia.” Continued from page I Eric Tudor, assistant director of admissions, heating pipe tunnels leading from the Motion detectors set up by the Maintenance marked up an additional 300% in order to said the name change will also help Dordt Maintenance building to other campus locations staff filled the tunnel to monitor those who went make up for lost revenue. stand out, particularly for aspiring graduate and are off-limits, due to the possibilities of the in and out. The board quickly followed this news by international students. pipes rupturing. EVB and LS have claimed the day they announcing their decision to move forward with “Students, as they walk onto a college fair, It turns out there may be another reason entered the land of Narnia is the day Dordt a newly proposed name change, under what has will see fifty different banners and tablecloths,” the tunnels are banned and heavily guarded. cancelled class due to the cold temperatures in been called the “college reboot initiative.” Tudor said. “They need to make a decision on Freshman EVB* and junior LS* took a closer Iowa. We aren’t saying those two events were President Hoekstra announced the new what schools most interest them off of those look at the tunnels. What they found shocked correlated (but we are). initiative Wednesday afternoon at a special first couple of impressions. Being able to call them. Weeks after the incident, the students received event in the campus center. Faculty, staff, ourselves Dordt College 2 more accurately “It led to Narnia,” EVB said. “My parents recommendations to take a short “leave” due to students, board members, donors, Christian defines who Dordt is for those students, and will were alums at Dordt, and they always joked their apparent hallucination of a mystical world education leaders and a host of community be very important for brand recognition.” about how students would sneak in the tunnels in the tunnels. members attended. “Becoming Dordt College 2 doesn’t mean we and come back out different people, but I never One maintenance worker spoke on the subject. “Today, I am pleased to announce that, starting get to allow ourselves to become less personal,” knew it was because they had an actual pathway “I mean, there were like six different ways in August 2019, this institution will be known Forseth said. “What it does mean is that we to Narnia!” to go into Narnia,” they said, “so who says a and operated as Dordt College 2,” Hoekstra said. still stick with the founder’s vision of building Though there were many tunnels, only one tunnel can’t lead to it?” He cited a number of reasons for the change, a hugely popular educational franchise. I think specifically led to the magical place of Narnia. including mission fit, academic excellence, Dordt College 2 will live up to the hype and “All of the tunnels were heavily guarded, *The names of the students have been global footprint and brand recognition. give the fans—I mean students—what they are but not as much as the tunnel that led from the censored due to safety and legal reasons. “Dordt College 2 best describes who we are looking for.” Library to the Maintenance building,” LS said. and who we are becoming,” Hoekstra said. Instead of a logo reveal, Hoekstra announced “Over the years, we have developed academic that the first “teaser trailer” for Dordt College 2 and co-curricular programs that grow out of will be unveiled during Defender Days this fall. our mission to prepare students to serve in the In allegedly unrelated news, Calvin College professions they enter and the communities released a statement earlier today announcing in which they live. Dordt now looks and acts they will also be rebranding to Calvin College more like a highly-anticipated sequel than a II: Reformation. university or college.”

Photo by Sandy Shalomy Photo by Sandy Shalomy

Bottom Text Nyus page IX Demon spotted at Prodigal Love of God conference Raised Right - Staff Writer onto us,” PLG Conference protestor Barbara Welter said. Supernatural forces graced the Prodigal Head of Sioux County Conservatives Kurt Love of God Conference hosted by Dordt K. Korver is not surprised by the demonic College two weeks ago. But these ghosts were encounter. not holy. Multiple witnesses in attendance “I mean, they really had it coming for of the conference reported a demonic entity them,” Korver said. “We at Sioux County materializing in SB 1606 during a seminar on Conservatives tried to warn Dordt about the racial injustice given by author Jemar Tisby. godless, communism-loving individuals they The evil spirit manifested itself as a contorting were endorsing, but they just wouldn’t adhere purplish mass of dark matter suspended in Photo by Sandy Shalomy to reason.” midair. Cries of anguish sprang from its being. Posts regarding anti-Trump comments and “One minute I’m listening to some guy drone “Coincidence? I think not.” broke in two. critiques of Christianity from speakers such as on about how slavery still affects modern The malevolent entity caused the lights in the Other witnesses claim the demonic presence Tisby, Marilynne Robinson, and Tish Harrison American society, and the next thing I know, Science Building to flicker as it moved about possessed posters advocating for female litter the SCC Facebook page. one of Satan’s cronies is going on a rampage,” the room with a vengeance. Miles away, the authors, flinging them at innocent bystanders. Dordt College has yet to make an official conference attendee Rusty Johnson said. gravestone of Dordt’s first president, B.J. Haan, “It’s horrible how it forced that propaganda statement regarding the incident.

THERE WAS GOING TO BE SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY HERE BUT LOCAL PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND WOULD CALL DORDT’S PR ABOUT IT. PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELF. Corn New Deal heads to Aaron Baart announces plans Congress for a CRC inquisition Horsetack Isattached - Staff Writer continue to push for the increased use of ethanol Yukon Cornelius - Staff Writer this plan is fully enacted, I may just have to sue and corn production as a food source, not only for my rights.” through the state of Iowa, but in the country as In a shocking turn of events, Dordt College Though there may be a vocal minority, it a whole.” Dean of Chapel Aaron Baart announced the seems most students and faculty support the Ernst shared Grassley’s sentiments as the two implementation of a CRC Inquisition in the idea. senators brought the proposal before the Senate upcoming school year. “Until Dordt is the model of Reformed last week. “As we change the name of our institution,” Christianity, I just won’t feel safe,” one Dordt The proposal has gotten excellent reviews Baart said, “we want to lead off on the right professor said. “With Presbyterians, Baptists Global climate change has once again come to throughout the state of Iowa, especially from foot by making sure that campus and the larger and even Catholics walking the streets in Sioux the forefront of politics in our nation’s capital Iowa State Senator and Dordt professor, Randy county area is CRC-only, so we can impress County, I think this idea to get rid of them will with the proposition of a Green New Deal. Feenstra. incoming students and establish a solid future help preserve the best thing we’ve got going The main proponent of the bill is New York “This proposal is excellent,” Senator Feenstra for Dordt College 2.” here at Dordt.” Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. said. “This will bring not only bring more This move by Baart has won some previous As part of Baart’s plan, any violators will be The proposed bill calls for sweeping changes jobs to the state of Iowa, but it will bolster the detractors over to his side. Sioux County bussed across county lines and dropped off in to preserve the environment, such as changing economy of the United States, as well as our Conservatives released an official statement Doon. Students found in their dorms and public the type of grain cows ingest to reduce methane global presence.” on their Facebook page, saying, “We applaud areas during normal chapel times will be given contamination through regenerative agriculture. The proposed legislation will increase corn Dean of Chapel Aaron Baart in his mission to a chance to voluntarily go to chapel. If they The bill looks to rebuild almost all the nation’s production across the United States by 30 eliminate the non-CRC scum that has recently refuse the offer, they will be charged one credit- buildings in the next 10 years, and completely percent in the next five years and 50 percent infested Sioux County and Dordt College. We hour for each session of chapel missed. get rid of gasoline-powered vehicles and in the next ten years with the hopes of cutting pledge to assist Baart in any way we can.” “If this rule had been in place for the entirety jet-fueled jets. The deal essentially looks to the United States’ reliance on fossil fuels and Though the full outline of the plan is currently of my college career, it probably would’ve taken eliminate the carbon footprint of the United petroleum-based products. murky, Baart has made sure to communicate on me a whole twelve years to graduate,” a Dordt States. Ocasio-Cortez is completely against the main emphasis: Before chapel every Wednesday, senior said. “I just like my naps too much.” In response to the proposed Green New Deal, proposal and stands strongly by her new Green a squad of campus security employees will go Many things are in store for Dordt College 2, Iowa Senators Chuck Grassley and Joni Ernst Deal. from dorm to dorm and apartment to apartment and the upcoming CRC Inquisition promises have proposed the Corn New Deal. “The Corn New Deal is just such an illusion to ensure students are attending chapel. to be thrilling viewing as it unfolds. As for The Corn New Deal seeks to use one of Iowa’s of the real issues,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “Corn “As a Catholic, I severely disapprove of this those non-CRC members and chapel skippers main agriculture crops to sustain the United is part of the problem because it pollutes the CRC Inquisition,” a Dordt student who spoke in hiding, Baart has only one message: “Watch States considering the recent push to find more environment just like cow flatulence. We need to the Zircon on condition of anonymity said. your back. Kuyper and Calvin are watching renewable sources of energy. to start looking at the real issues because we “I don’t think anybody would ever enjoy being you.” “Corn can really be the path forward as only have ten years left to live at the rate we on the receiving end of an inquisition like this. far as renewable energy,” Senator Grassley are going.” It’s a witch hunt. Who is Aaron Baart to tell me said. “Corn can be used to produce many key This debate looks like it will continue with no what I can or can’t do from 11:00 to 11:45 a.m. components to the vitality of society. We will foreseeable partisan solutions in sight. on a Wednesday? I think it’s unconstitutional. If

Photos by Sandy Shalomy Photos by Sandy Shalomy

Bottom Text page X [insert page name] Volkers upgrades office Dordt’s hottest profs Silence Dogood - Staff Writer Tyra Banks - Staff Writer

Photo by Silence Dogood department, “but I don’t think anyone thought He already has the largest office in the he’d take the idea to heart.” communication department and one of the The jacuzzi office on the altered plans has biggest on campus, but digital media Professor only one entry: a sliding panel door behind Volkers is apparently not satisfied. Volkers’ computer podium in the digital media The communication department was already lab. Presumably, the entrance would have been set to benefit from the construction to transform hidden by a movie poster or artwork of some the former theater department into a space manner. Photo by Sarah Shalomy for nursing students and other miscellaneous When questioned about the changes, Volkers anytime you want to talk to an angel. offices. Original blueprints from fall of 2018 dodged around the issue, claiming he had a Tara Boer – These luxurious golden locks had the theater department’s makeup and class to teach. If you haven’t gotten or given your ring by frame a face that all of campus loves. Social laundry room turned into a high-tech screening The new addition will bring Volkers’ total spring, maybe you’ve been too busy mooning work professor Tara Boer captures her students’ room connected to the digital media lab. Volkers office-space—which will include his current over one of these Dordt faces. attention with knowledge and a lovely smile to even took a few of his digital media classes office, the connecting sound-booth closet, Justin Bailey – This theology prof doesn’t just accompany it. Now she’s someone we’d like to into the half-built space. There, he described and the jacuzzi room—to a whopping 300 strike down terrible doctrine with his dazzling socialize with! to his students a room filled with plush theater square feet. This would make the digital media smile. He also bears a striking resemblance Joel Sikkema – We don’t even need to tell seats, high-quality sound, and a huge screen professor’s workspace larger than President to Christian Yelich, the oh-so-swoon-worthy you who this professor resembles, but we connected to the lab next door. Hoekstra’s by 50 square feet. outfielder for the Brewers. If we were you, we will anyway. Dordt’s own Leonardo DiCaprio As of early April, the current blueprints have “On the one hand, I support Professor Volkers would be batting to snag a class with this hottie! spends his days in the top of the science since been edited by an unknown party. Now, in his efforts to make his workplace more Joshua Zhu – With his navy button-ups and building, educating engineering students and the formerly-planned screening room is labeled comfortable,” junior digital media student olive-green pants, this chemistry professor being admired from afar by everyone else. With “Office 1312-B” and shows no evidence of the Hamilton VanderDutch said. “On the other, I dresses like he’s straight out of a Calvin Klein a face like DiCaprio’s that no one tires of, it’s previous stadium seating. 1312 is Professor was really looking forward to a fancy screening catalogue. No wonder sighs of “He’s so cute!” no surprise engineering is one of Dordt’s largest Volkers’ current office. The plans further show room. Maybe he’ll let students use his hot tub?” can be heard from girls all over the science programs. Whether you want to be the Daisy to extended water lines from the nearby restrooms. Whether the new digital media office will be department. His knack of standing on tables to his Jay, Rose to his Jack, or simply an adoring A square outline sits in the corner of the space open to students and other faculty members is get attention in class definitely draws eyes and student, this is one face that will never leave this with the label “faculty jacuzzi.” a question that may not be answered until it is ears from all over the classroom. This is one list. “We joke about Mark having room for a finished. Construction will continue through the prof we’d like to have stick around! Barb Hoekstra – Dordt’s First Lady isn’t jacuzzi down in his office,” said Lee Pitts, summer and is set to be completed by the start John Zwart – We all know beards are all just a favorite education professor. Boys all another professor in the communication of the fall 2019 semester. the rage, and this Physics professor has been rocking one since the last time Polaroids were over campus whisper about her piercing blue popular! Here’s a hint: That was in the 70’s. Can eyes, while all the girls wish to be as cool as you imagine this face with shades and a pair of her. From teaching classes and chatting in the Will barefoot people be belted bell-bottoms? Even if he sticks to khakis hallways to walking her dog around campus, and bad puns now, we still think this is a face Barb drops jaws all over town. President added to endangered species that will go down in Dordt history. Hoekstra obviously has good taste! Brittany De Ruyter – With her cute sweaters, Walker Cosgrove – This man has a beard flashing smile and flawless curls, De Ruyter that rivals even Zwart’s, but no one has hair list? is everyone’s dream instructor. She’s the only to match the wavy locks that frame his face. A Senor Flavortown - Staff Writer every move.” one who can make lab goggles into a fashion history professor who never grows old and who Her research spreads out in piles of papers statement, and a normally dull lab period flies students never bore of, his class sections are Every spring, the Barefoot People (barefootius across her desk, while her walls are covered by with this heavenly face teaching it. With packed so students can gaze at this dreamy face hominum) emerge from hibernation, shedding in rare photos of the species, focused on their limited seating in her lab sections, you’re lucky every class period. His choice of glasses adds blankets, coats and socks to reveal their natural most notable feature: bare, usually hairy, feet. if you get to spend 3 hours a week with this on a dapper look that clearly only he can pull state. But this year, their numbers are lower-- This feature makes the Barefoot People so gorgeous prof! If you find yourself not so lucky, off. You’d best pull all the strings you can to be and student/scientist Kimberly “That Science vulnerable. According to VanKirkston, this stop by her office with some “lab questions” in this prof’s CORE 140 sections! Chick” VanKirkston wanted to find out why. winter’s ‘Polar Vortex’ and March flooding “Understanding this rare and reclusive species provided less-than-ideal conditions for the rare requires constant observation,” VanKirkston Barefoot People. said. “I’ve dedicated my life to watching their “Their population took a severe hit,” Van Kirkston said. “According to r/K selection theory, Barefoot People have an r rate, or natural increase in population size, of 1-2 per year, and their carrying capacity, or K, is at about 8 per campus.” Water is a natural deterrent to Barefoot People and can cause diseases such as “Shoeitis” and “Socialis Stigmatis” to claim their lives. While VanKirkston is determined to help the population return to its former glory, she’s aware of the challenges lying ahead. With only one to two documented Barefoot people left on campus, VanKirkston says it’ll take at minimum seven years before they reach stability again. “My goal is to have them added to the Endangered Species list, but for now, I’m just trying to raise awareness,” VanKirkston said. “We have to save the Barefoot People.” Photo by Sandy Shalomy Bottom Text · Misc?· page XI Nine Inch Nails’ Trent Horoscopes 2: Electric Reznor hears term “total Boogaloo depravity,” writes song Stephen A. Smith - Staff Writer Aries: Don’t be afraid to open up to others and share your true feelings. You have a right to hate Donzie - Staff Writer said. “Once I heard about Total Depravity, I felt mayonnaise. It’s an unholy abomination. Don’t let them tear you down. like I had a connection.” After the conversation with Hoekstra, an energized Reznor wrote Total Tauros: Hijack your neighbor’s Bluetooth speakers. The world could always use a little more Depravity, likely another big hit for Nine Inch Duel of The Fates. Besides, it’s their fault for leaving them on. Nails. “It sounds like TV static,” junior Steve Gemini: Lately, you’ve been focusing a lot of your energy on those around you, but don’t forget Brouwer said after listening to a sample of the to take a little time for yourself and write your senior seminar paper GARRET. I sent you the link new song. “Who would listen to this garbage? to the Google Doc months ago and you still haven’t done anything. It’s just a bunch of distorted synths peaking on the track. My ears hurt.” Cancer: Please delete Tik Tok off of your phone. Seriously, this is long overdue. Currently, Reznor is on top of the Billboard charts for Nine Inch Nails’ “34 Ghosts IV,” Leopard: Beware the dangers of missed opportunity. Before you know it, life will pass you by which is sampled in Lil Nas X’s “Old Town and those scones aren’t going to eat themselves, friend. Road.” Despite Reznor’s new enthusiasm, Dordt Vertigo: Just because you’ve overcome your problems doesn’t mean you can overtake me in Wii students are less-than-eager to have the now Tennis Jared you COWARD. 53-year-old on campus. “I don’t wanna listen to some angry old Library: Stop. Sit down. Take a deep breath. Relax. Now, scream at the top of your lungs. You’re Photo by Donzie guy speak at Dordt; that’s what we have profs welcome. DON’T. SAY. YOU’RE. AN. ARTIST. IF. YOU. DON’T. YELL. for,” sophomore Jordin Van Baasik said. “Does Nine Inch Nails founder and front man Trent anyone even know who this guy is?” Scorpion: Don’t fear the unknown. Embrace it. The comfort of the void is your only solace in this Reznor is now officially on the ticket to speak Reznor says the idea for his original bleak life. The American dream is a lie and the only certainty is uncertainty and you are your own at the “Prodigal Love of God” conference next speech, “I Want to Punch God in the Face,” slave. I’m sorry, that was a little much. I haven’t slept in a few years. semester. Reznor is know for writing the big, will be changed with his newfound interest in uplifting, chart-topping summer hits “Happiness Calvinism and its own brand of bitter cynicism. Spaghetti: You will find true love. Or did you already? Please Sarah call me back I promise I in Slavery” and “March of the Pigs.” He says the focus of the speech will be on the won’t fill your car with collectible Shrek figurines again I swear. “Trent Reznor is a perfect candidate for lyrics from the Nine Inch Nails song “Closer”: speaker at next year’s conference,” Emily Rowe President Hoekstra praised Reznor’s idea, Caprisun: Yo, I double dog dare you to play your harmonica during the exam. Do it. You won’t. said on behalf of the Andreas Center. “His self- saying the speech will not only challenge hate and misery, despite being in his fifties and the faith of students, but also encourage the Aquarium: Just…don’t forget to enjoy life. We’re only here for so long. Life’s too short to be having a family, is something we strive to teach emerging new ideas of Christian hookups. angry at people, or to wallow in fear and worry. And a little bit of doubt is okay. But don’t let your as a Calvinist institution.” Rowe hopes students “Dordt is looking to stay ahead of the cynicism and pessimism destroy you. Just try and find the good in life and be happy where you’re can achieve the same sense of dread without all curve,” Hoekstra said. “Discussing a song that at. The world’s a beautiful place when you stop and look around and just think about the vastness of the drug and alcohol abuse. came out in ’94 is the perfect way to give us a the universe and the power of human connection. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. And seize the means While planning for Reznor’s fall visit to needed edge.” of production. Dordt, President Hoekstra spoke with him about Totally Depravity will be released on the the importance of holding the conference and 13th of May to coincide with Dordt changing Pesto: Just a friendly PSA that Minecraft is cool again, guys. Hit me up if you want the IP to my truly putting students’ faith to the test. Hoekstra its name to Dordt College 2. also described the basic CRC doctrine so Christian Server. Reznor can better fine-tune his talking points. Reznor has written about religion in some of his previous work, usually in a negative light. The songs “Terrible Lie,” “Heresy” and Zion Williamson transfers to “God Given” are the more specific works, with “Heresy” mentioning Christianity by name. Dordt College 2 During the conversation, President Hoekstra explained TULIP, the Five Points of Calvinism. Igotthehors Esintheback - Staff Writer win more games.” If you don’t know TULIP, you’d better pack Not only will Zion be bringing his talents to some sunscreen for the afterlife. According to The wait is over! Zion Williamson has come to Iowa, but he will also be bringing his brand. President Hoekstra, once Total Depravity came a decision on whether he will be leaving Duke With Williamson’s commitment to Dordt, Nike up, Reznor became more interested in the topic. and heading to the NBA or staying in college. has promised to become the full-time and sole “I was only going to speak because the The skillful big man has decided to remain in uniform provider for all Defender athletics. conference seemed like an easier paycheck than college and take his talents to the cornfields of This announcement has brought great being in a State Farm commercial,” Reznor Photo by Sandy Shalomy Northwest Iowa. excitement to all athletes across campus and Williamson will transfer to Dordt in the fall of is sure to spark unwavering enthusiasm for the 2019 and will have three years left of eligibility. upcoming school year. Williamson made his official campus visit last “This has really moved us into a position Sioux County Conservatives week after visiting Minneapolis to watch the to be able to compete for NAIA national Final Four, in which his despicable Duke Blue championships in all sports for years to come,” Devils did not participate. Dordt Athletic Director Ross Douma said. “If name approved plays Greeted by the entire campus community, we can attract this kind of talent to our school, Williamson then had a special meeting with especially with the Nike deal Zion is bringing Jayqwelin Gruhdeek - Staff Writer allowed on campus have been specifically listed President Hoekstra. He got to experience life on in, Defender Athletics will be an attractive on the SCC’s “Non-Heretical Stuff” sheet. campus for the day, as well as some Northwest brand to many perspective athletes.” Big changes are coming to Dordt’s theater Acceptable plays include The Crucible; The Iowa staples. According to Douma, the plan is to rename department next semester, and it’s more than Great Passion, a play that shows the life of “My visit went really well,” Williamson said. the court in the DeWitt after Williamson as soon just a new building. In an effort to curb the Dordt Christ; a heavily-censored version of Footloose “My favorite part was getting to walk through as he graduates or heads to the NBA. Administrative Board’s attempt to “become entitled Footloose (But No Dancing, You the DeWitt. I love the old-school feel of the Williamson will begin classes with the rest of exactly like Calvin College,” every single Godless Heathens), Songs of the South; and the arena. And you can’t beat free Pizza Ranch. The Dordt students in August and will look to build professor in the theater department has stated SCC’s own stage adaptation of The Handmaid’s dessert pizza was definitely what sold me on immediate friendships with his teammates. they will all be retiring, and their positions will Tale. choosing Dordt.” “I am really looking forward to getting on be taken over by the heads of Sioux Center’s Although they face a very limited performance Coach Van Haaften took Williamson on a campus and just meeting people,” Williamson local political activist group: the Sioux County repertoire, students seem content with the guided tour of the athletic facilities and led him said. “I can’t wait to get going in practice Conservatives (SCC). direction the department is going. through a quick workout to assess his talent on as we work as a team to chase a national When administration told the professors they “I don’t know, I don’t think it’s that big of a the court. championship.” can’t just quit and decide who takes over for deal. It’s not like we were really doing anything “I really like him,” Coach Van Haaften them, The department retaliated by saying, in anyways, we’re basically just glorified art said. “Zion is an absolute unit and will give unison, “Oh yeah? Watch us,” and skipped out majors,” said a student on their way to practice us a significant interior presence on both the of the room, arms linked together. for The Crucible. “Honestly, not having to do offensive and defensive ends of the floor. I love The SCC, who have taken over the positions a bunch of different performances every year what he brings to our team!” granted to them effective immediately and will is actually really helpful. It makes lines a lot The men’s basketball team is looking forward stay “until Trump himself tells us to go home,” easier to memorize if I’m just going to be doing to the presence Zion will add to the team on the have already started announcing curriculum the same four plays for the rest of my college floor. changes for the departments next semester. career.” The student could not be recognized “I really like the addition of Zion,” sophomore The most prominent change is that any plays due to their extremely elongated nose prop and guard Jesse Jansma said. “He will certainly fit previously announced for next theatre season very detailed stage makeup. well in Coach Van Haaften’s system and help us Photo by Sarah Shalomy are no longer happening, and the only plays Bottom Text page XII · Nose· Bunsen Brew sues Dallas Fuel Dordt alumni required to over logo take more CORE classes Courtney Case - Staff Writer Allen Westerbeek - Staff Writer to my future job or life at all!” Students and graduates alike were delighted Dordt College President Erik Hoekstra by the news. One graduate said she only came shocked his audience and the Dordt to Dordt College because of the CORE classes. community as a whole with a groundbreaking “It’s just amazing to me. Simply amazing,” announcement: More CORE classes. Kylie VanDykstra said, a math and music theory Dordt hastily threw together a press double major graduate. “I simply can’t believe conference last week Thursday at 6:00 p.m. in that some people don’t like CORE classes. It’s the B.J Haan Auditorium. Originally planned to not like it drains time and energy away from be in the Campus Center the announcement had professors who would rather teach students in move locations because the praise and worship their field. Or force students to take classes that band had started warming up four hours early. will teach them concepts they will not retain or Hoekstra announced that all current Dordt need to use.” students, along with graduates, will be required One student who not in favor of the to take two more CORE science classes and two announcement could be seen visibly frustrated more CORE math classes. Alumni who fail to and confused by the excitement from both comply risk losing their degrees. Hoekstra’s staff and students. Before he could provide announcement was met with thunderous a statement, the student was shot with a applause. tranquilizer dart by Eric Forseth. No one took “I think it’s great that Dordt wants us to be notice. Photo by Sawyer Shalomy more well-rounded individuals!” one nervous- When the student later woke up in an Avera to give a comment on the current situation. looking student said while closely being hospital, he agreed to an interview. The Dordt Business Club has written an intent Aaron Atkins, head coach of the Dallas Fuel, followed by Eric Forseth and Howard Wilson. “What’s not to like about CORE classes?” to sue letter to Dallas Fuel after noticing an has not responded to The Zircon’s request for a “I would say nothing makes me happier the student said, an eerie smile creeping across eerie similarity in logo design. comment, though team members were ready to than pouring hours into learning irrelevant his face. “They make us more well-rounded Club members were reportedly outraged respond over their snack break. information that will most certainly not pertain individuals!” to discover their logo had been mimicked “Apparently, Dordt doesn’t even use bunsen by the Dallas Fuel Overwatch League team. burners anymore, what’s up with that?” Dallas’ Specifically, the e-sports team has been accused DPS player ZachaREEE said. “Just because CORE 100 to add Grille navi- of copying the iconic blue flame the Bunsen they thought up a cool logo first doesn’t mean Brew had used as their logo for years. they get to keep it forever!” Prior to the suit, the two rivals had originally The team is split half-and-half on whether to gation into course reached an agreement to share the logo, fight for the logo, or simply change the color. provided the Bunsen agreed not expand. But “Hey, I’m just here to play the game and make Keeping up with the Grille - Staff Writer students what to do and not do in a busy line.” rumors of the conflict spread, and, after an it to the playoffs,” player HarryHook said. “I The 3-week session will be split into 3 parts, angry Skype call, the two parties declared the roll with the colors they give me, though I think The Grille has been growing in popularity, so students can spend separate weeks on each agreement null and void. an orange flame would be better.” and with up to 800-900 people ordering a topic: line creation, fast ordering and using the A simple change of team colors could save The Dallas Fuel have yet draft an official night, the lines for food have become hectic Eatable app. the Dallas Fuel lost hours in a courtroom, and response to the Bunsen Brew’s letter of intent and impossible to manage without insider “This is such a practical idea that will benefit the Bunsen Brew doesn’t have enough open to sue. Observers say the team is carrying knowledge of what to do and where to go. This both the students and Grille workers,” senior hours to field petty calls from cranky Overwatch on strong with their play. The court date is would be a huge problem for unsuspecting Grille worker Susan Jones said. “A lot of the fans. scheduled at the conclusion of their season. freshmen during the chaos of meal exchange upperclassmen who aren’t familiar with Eatable The Bunsen Brew wasn’t open long enough prime time. stand in front of the register to order, even To solve this problem, CORE 100 will be though they haven’t even opened the app yet.” offering training next fall on how to maneuver Through this new session in the CORE 100 the busy lines of the Defender Grille. Each class, Dordt hopes to lessen the chaos at the (cont.) Music dept. adds student will be taught how to line up in the Grille and help the freshmen and new students right places, order swiftly and properly use the easily adapt to the Dordt meal rush. Eatable©™® app. SoundCloud rapper emphasis “I think it’s a great idea to teach this in CORE 100, because it’s practical and a Dordt survival Continued from page I Lil Tech and is designing her first tattoo. The necessity,” sophomore Paul Pepper said. “I MacInnis have begun trying to build interest working name of her debut is The Rise of the wish they had this when we were in that class, in CORE 160. For homework, students had to Serial Killer, which will focus on themes of because a lot of the students don’t know how to write a full analysis of “Gucci Gang.” Their heartbreak. properly line up or order at the Grille.” efforts have not been in vain, as students have Although spots are quickly being filled The class will offer a 3-week session on been rushing to switch into the program. for the new program, interested students are how to quickly line up and order during meal “I can’t wait to have a major with some job encouraged to register. exchange times, with one day consisting of a security,” former art major Stephanie Klynsma “It’s going to be lit, fam,” MacInnis said. controlled field trip to the Grille to show the said. She is considering the stage name of students every possible scenario they might face while ordering. “The students will go with their WoW groups of two to three CORE 100 classes and have Psychotic computer science a real-life ordering experience,” CORE 100 adjunct Avonda Fessler said. “The Grille staff have been generous enough to help teach the major takes over The Dia- Photo by Sandy Shalomy ̌ ̎̾ ͑͂ ̈̄͌́ ͌̆ ̀ ̔̑̽ ͑̓͗ ͑͐̆ ̍͛͂ mond, holds̊̓ ͋ ̀ writers hostage ͑̓ ̃ ͛͊ ͑̅ ̀ ̾̎ Diamond article: subtitle Lee Pitts - Staff Advisor̐͆ ̒̽ ͆ ̀ ̒̆͛ ̿ ̀̀ ͗̔ ͛̒ ̉ ̈̋́ THIS IS NOT A ̿̂̿ JOKE.̐ ́ ̔ ́ PLEASE SEND Probably Liberal - Staff Writer ̋͐̾ ͋̊ ̌̒ ̈̒ ͆̓ ̏͌͛ HELP. ͑̍ ̈̒́ ͑͊ ̑ ̂̊͗̀ ̉̀ ̔̓ ̽̅̓ ͑̋ ̽̅̿ ̀ ͒̏̀ Opening sentence containing time, date, ̾ ̀ ̔̌̋ ̊̑̉ ̒͗ ̈͌ ̃ ̏̂ ̈̄́ ̈̽ and location elements with a subject matter ̆ ̓̅ ̎ ̊̐ ̐̑ ̂̍ ̂̍́ ̄̌ ̚ ̽͊ ́ P̵̙̏̄ Ĺ͆͠ E̴ ̶̨ ̙͂̿̇ A̷̙̓ Ș̷̬̀̀Ȩ̴̡̽ ̵̧̘̅S̸̔ ̫͛ ͘͜Ȩ̵̈ Ň̴̝͑ D̶̢̮̏̑ Ḧ̶̡̧̢̠ ́ ͘͜͝ͅE̶̡̧̨̺͆͠͝͝͝͝ ̛Ḻ̶̂͌ ̢͘̚͘͜͝͝ͅP̵̚ ͉̾ ̛̛̛͘͘̕͝͠͝. pertaining to Dordt College and the greater ̰̘ ̣ ̞ ̜̰ ̰ ̝ ̰͚̠ ̥ ̭̤ ͔̤̰ ͕̱͎͜͜ ̨͕̮͙ ̟ ̳ ̠̤ ̣ ̩̥ ̦ ͈͖ ̙̺ ̗̖̳ Sioux Center area. ͓̩̻ ̲̬̮ ̜̤ ͕̪ ̙̻̖ Conflict! An archetypal battle between ̮̲̪ ͖͕ ͙̩ ̻̞̭ students versus administration, extracurricular ̙̥̘ ̥̱ ̞̹ ͇͖ ̣ programs versus budgetary restrictions, Sioux Photo by Probably Liberal ͙ ̟̞ ̣ ͎̝͉ ̼̱̮ ͕̼ ̼͙̖ County Conservatives versus diverse opinions The plot thickens. Typos increase. Punctuation ̮̝̫ ͔̼ ͖̜ ͚͇̫ or the polar vortex versus everybody. falls to the wind. ̬̦̜ ̰̹ ͍̩̫ A quote from Dr. Jeff Taylor critiquing social More quotes with unnecessary summarization. ̝̞͕ constructs, or perhaps Robert Taylor defending Hooray! Conflict finds abrupt resolution with the Dordt Handbook. a cliché closing sentence feigning a hopeful Photo by Sandy Shalomy A quote from an engineering major, probably future or a contented present. Every square inch a friend of the reporter, followed by a near has been reclaimed. word-for-word rephrasing of the above quote. More quotes.

Bottom Text · Stories· page XIII Environmental activists Longboarding: new approved siphon gas from “those kids sport at Dordt

Luna - Staff Writer upcoming Olympics. who always rev their engines “We have a whole year to prepare and As spring comes rolling in, students are finally compete with other schools before the Olympics at night” taking out their longboards and whizzing their begin,” future longboarding athlete Jake Wells way to classes. Thanks to the popularity of said. “President Hoekstra told a couple of us Anneli Kanerva - Staff Writer the underclassmen dorms. They will only longboards on campus, President Hoekstra’s beforehand so we could start practicing early.” investigate if the siphoning continues after the announcement during Chapel is not a surprise Seven students ranging from freshmen to For weeks, the residents of East, North and noise complaints stop appearing. to many. juniors have been training hard in snow and rain West hall have been plagued by a group of Derek Buteyn of Student Services says he “We are delighted to announce that Dordt by using the prairie as their track. students revving their trucks in the middle of would take the side of the “green gang” if he College 2 will be hosting a new sport starting “Every morning and every night, we would the night. Aside from being extremely pointless, had to choose between the two groups. next semester,” Hoekstra said. “Longboarding ride our boards through the prairie,” freshman the ritual wastes plenty of gas and causes more “I really sympathize with the green gang’s has been a large part of our community and future athlete Bethany Copper said. “Coach carbon emissions than necessary. As a result, concerns about the environment,” Buteyn said. will be something that will define who we are would create new obstacles for us to complete a secretive group of environmental activists “I mean, you don’t think I ride my bike to work as Dordt.” before he let us go to class or go sleep. I known only as the “green gang” have taken to all the time just for fun, do you?” It took much thought, consideration and remember I once missed all of my morning siphoning gas out of the trucks’ gas tanks. A member of the “green gang” has reached funding to add Longboarding to Dordt’s sports classes because I couldn’t finish one of the The students responsible for revving their out to the Zircon to inform us about the group’s roster. The idea was first brought up in 2016 courses.” trucks report the group leaves passive- mission and goals. To protect their privacy, the when longboarding became one of the six Personally funded by Ely Alexander aggressive notes written on biodegradable member will be referred to as Aspen Woods. newly-approved sports by the International Khakshouri, the CEO of the biking and board paper. The huge trucks make easy targets for the According to Woods, the “green gang” Olympic Committee (IOC) for the 2020 Tokyo company Retrospec, Dordt’s longboard team is environmental activists. Because many of the formed after several students expressed their Olympics. aiming for perfection and is fighting to compete trucks are so large, they are almost impossible annoyance at the obnoxious amount of noise At that point, almost 40 percent of Dordt’s at the Olympics in one year’s time. to park anywhere other than the notoriously late-night truck brigade makes when they rev population used some type of longboard system “I think there’s going to be a lot of pressure for lawless Siberia parking lot. by the dorms. on campus, with 28 percent of those students the athletes and the coaches,” senior business “We’re like fish in a barrel out in Siberia,” said “The pollution is our second concern, if we’re having at least four years of experience. major Bob van Beek said. “But in the long run, Grady Hicks, one of the truck owners. “We’ve being honest,” Woods said. “We are mostly just Though it felt like a large leap for most, it will be worth it when one of our athletes will tried to figure out who has been siphoning our pissed at the truckers for being so annoying at Hoekstra and Dordt’s committees strongly represent Dordt at the Olympics.” gas by using cameras, but they keep wearing three in the morning.” believed they would be able to compete for the green morph suits to hide who they are.” According to Woods, the “green gang” arose Student Services has refused to investigate out of necessity and will disband as soon as the the claims of the truck owners due to the truck owners learn to control themselves. stack of noise complaints by students in

Photo by Sandy Shalomy Photo by Sandy Shalomy Sioux County Conservatives push for Alex Jones on Dordt airwaves Steve King - Guest Writer while advertising weird male supplements and able to see into the future, as much as we wish past predictions such as: Trump losing in 2016, snake oil. I’m not quite sure which is worse, we could, we do believe the chances Jones gets the Packers winning the Super Bowl in 2018, This week on their Facebook page, the Sioux honestly.” hired by KDCR are slim to none. and The Room winning the Oscar for Best County Conservatives officially endorsed Alex “I don’t think any of the stuff he talks about To see a history of the Zircon’s extremely Picture in 2003. Do with this information what Jones for his own daily, two-hour radio show is really a conspiracy theory,” said staunch accurate predictions, the Zircon staff points to you will. on KDCR. Jones supporter, sophomore Thomas Cruise. After the endorsement, Jones released a “I think he’s really smart and obviously knows statement thanking the SCC and vowing he what he’s talking about. I also respect him would not rest until he was able to deliver his tremendously for standing up for what he “21st century version of gospel truth to the believes in. If he has to advertise some weird people of Iowa on KDCR.” stuff every once in a while to keep the lights on, As the news of the movement spread, the I don’t have a problem with it.” one and only President of the United States President Erik Hoekstra refused to comment, picked it up. Donald Trump tweeted yesterday, but Dordt College released a statement saying, “Alex Jones is a GREAT MAN, who deserves “Dordt College obviously supports the First THE BEST and NEEDS TO BE HEARD BY Amendment rights of students and those in the THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! If he gets hired Dordt community. As of now, no job offer has by KDCR (bad ratings!) he will help to MAKE been extended to Mr. Jones, so any discussion AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” about the topic is merely speculation at this Reactions across the Dordt community point.” varied. While some supported the move by Alex Jones has recently been tied up with Alex Jones, others have begun to organize a many a public scandal, which may end up decidedly anti-Jones group. influencing Dordt’s hiring decision. With “We will be taking a hardline stance against the northwest Iowa being free of all scandals, it’s push for Alex Jones to be on Dordt airwaves,” hard to see such a controversial character like Dordt junior and president of the new group, Jones living and working here. Jonathan Femaledeer, said. “He is not a good The campaign to see Jones hired at KDCR representative of Dordt’s values. He peddles may be young, but seems to have plenty of conspiracy theories and perpetuates lies, all resolve. Though the Zircon staff may not be Photo by Sandy Shalomy Bottom Text

bad page XIV

the lost tennis balls. it as a true Dordt tradition.” “We are going to increase the presence of them,” said Mold.

recorded her friend’s clumsy attempts to find member Anna De Vries said. “We should honor staying illegally on campus. “There is are rules and we must all follow

Like any normal college student, she also to this huge achievement,” historical society working hard to lower the number of people However, Mold did not think so.

Jordan watched from the sidelines as a lookout. “It’s crazy to think that campus golf contributed For next summer, Dordt’s administration is home for the homeless, and I needed a home.”

twice in her attempts to find the tennis balls. Dutch Reformed roots. of the summer, Dordt gained 200 more people. the Bible says that Christians should provide a

Van Zan fell in the slippery mud at least Dordt should be excited to learn more about its people registered to stay on campus. At the end Midwest experience,” says Macdred. “Besides,

nobody was around to stop them. can be done of the surrounding area, claiming In the beginning summer 2017, Dordt had 20 “I love the Midwest, and I wanted a true

retrieve them. Because it was Sunday afternoon, suspend construction until a further examination apartment was filled. himself.

to do the sensible thing and climb the fence to Historical Society has started a petition to but at the end of the day, every surrounding because he was bored living in an apartment by

tennis balls from the Rec Center, they decided buried under the buildings? The Sioux Center morning, he had no one around his apartment, student asking for someone to stay with him

had already been shamefully caught stealing close to Dordt’s foundations, what else could be When Mold left for work at 5:00 in the at Dordt, says he saw an ad placed by a Dordt

construction by The Gift. Because the two girls questions: If there was a gold coin found so takes him an hour to get it out. wanna-be cowboy, when asked why he stayed

lost tennis balls over the fence surrounding the This mysterious discovery led to other right next to him and run into his apartment. It Olaf Macdred, one of the 200 people and a

Jordan, the unheeded email amounted to two Sioux Center. white and angry. Then he hears a chicken cluck more fun there is,” says Denis Amor.

Luckily for Miley Van Zan and Kesha Dutch immigrant lost it while settling down in strumming to an air guitar. Molds’ face becomes “The more students there are on campus, the

claims they never received the email. Sioux Center Historical Society. They guess a cowboys. They are running around the room, However, some students disagree.

near the construction site, one campus golf duo sometime around the 1900s, according to the apartment door, he sees five people dressed like Patrick Winster.

administration warned all students not to play Van Zan had found a gold coin from making the noise. As he opens his neighbor’s These new people have made it worst,” says

their favorite pastime: campus golf. Although definitely wasn’t a tennis ball.” He rushes outside his apartment to see who is summer was because it was nice and quiet.

flood the campus greens once again to play then she held something up covered in mud. It his doors. “One of the reasons I chose to stay over the

Now that spring is finally here, Dordt students Jordan said. “I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but eyes, he hears music booming loudly through stay on campus.

suddenly turned around and looked shocked,” apartment for a nap. Just before he shuts his Complaints have arisen among members who

Rhianna- Staff Writer “I was laughing my [butt] off, but then Miley working on the grounds team, heads to his bathrooms, and then will be forced to leave.”

It’s summer. Adam Mold, after a harsh day caught will have to clean all the college’s Campus golfer finds gold

room checks,” says Derek Buteyn. “Anyone

Liam Denis - Staff Writer campus security as well as performing random

Staying over

“The Gift” was not named such because it was

Historians of all things Dordt have claimed students can relate more with him.”

hands.” about President/Doctor Erik Hoekstra, because

church that “God [would] one day fill open Kuyper in Core 100. We’ll start teaching more

of true faith. Kuyper promised the founding “See, I do listen to the students. No more

She was caught, and this sacrilegious news hands to an unseen God was the embodiment In the second email, Wilson goes on to say,

stated, “It is only a crime if you get caught.” high. She will be greatly missed. revolutionary, believed a man holding out his start of fixing our problems.”

music video “Mary Did You Know?” Dengler shared the library tea and left with her head held church built on American soil. Kuyper, a true influences of ‘The Gift’ as ‘the Burden’ is the

Dengler claimed to be the Mother of Jesus in the Despite the shame of plagiarism, Dr. Dengler Gift” himself as a present for the first Reformed movement,” Wilson said. “Recognizing the

Officials considered intervention, but realized this Friday in the Grille with snacks provided. Theologian Abraham Kuyper crafted “The “This is the beginning of the Re-Reformed

by the enlightening news. words. Riots in support of Wikipedia will begin snow days.” that is growing within the Reformed church.

claimed. The entire Dordt community is grieved English professors are uniting behind her bold That was the real news, not that crap about commission: to be at the forefront of the split

not really written by Mary Dengler, as she had heard through Wiki,” Dengler said. announcement in that unnecessarily long email. Wilson believes this is Dordt’s true calling and

You a Mary Christmas” and “Marry Me” were students’ papers. It’s time the people’s voice is Van-Van said. “I feel like he tried to hide that while still retaining Reformed traditions.

Had a Little Lamb,” “Mary Jane,” “We Wish “I am tired of scholarly sources filling my “That’s ridiculous,” Dordt alumni John van of the school, which is to abandon all Kuyper

after students realized the songs entitled “Mary is “Wikipedia--by the people, for the people.” be renamed “The Burden.” “The Burden” symbolizes the new direction

a plagiarism scandal. The issue came to light comes as no surprise, as Dr. Dengler’s slogan take snow days off, Wilson said “The Gift” will never received.”

that Dr. Mary Dengler will be leaving due to calling of managing Wikipedia. This news thousand words about why it’s not Reformed to never come, the gift that we, the church, have

Dordt College officials announced on Sunday Dengler is reportedly leaving for a higher Later in the email, which goes on for close to a name change stems from the promise that has

saddened hearts, they requested her retirement. immediately.” from the seriousness of the subject matter. The

Ima B. Real - Staff Writer was more than the board could cover up. With have decided to ban all school pranks, effective sent on April Fool’s was not intended to deviate

Dordt College, soon to be Dordt University, sent a follow up email stating saying “the email

plagiarism

hypothermia. The administration and staff of it was an April Fool’s joke, but Wilson soon

and breaking a bone, or possibly dying from the sudden name change. Some students think

someone potentially freezing to death, slipping Many are still confused about the cause of Dr. Dengler shamed for

It’s about something far more important than Southwest Corner of the Library.

stated, “This is not about canceling classes. a representative from the Canadians in the

Wilson, a recent email to the entire school known it all. This is quit the surprise, eh,” said

Coming straight from the office of Howard “Wow, eh. I must say, I thought that I had

Maintenance is finally fed up with the pranks. God.

believer’s openness to receiving a gift from

Tim Newton II - Staff Writer a gift; rather, the statue is representative of a

nothing to do with him. She does not hold sometime early next year.

finally feels free after the breakup and wants album Where to End, which should drop

Burden

The unknown ex texts and calls her, but she woman right. Fans cannot wait for her next

relationship the artist wants nothing to do with. to any guy that does not know how to love a

in her past. The song Over It is about a past If anything, this is definitely a caution sign The Gift renamed The

Renae Nicole also opens the blinds to things things with her.

part of my life in 8th grade.” because of the fear that comes with ending

coming, but she’s an artist, and she was a big has not ruined her chances of finding love

recently got married and all, I didn’t see this one albums and hits. Hopefully, this Swift replica

Engaged student, Ross McBoss, had another know if that’s possible.”

for the world to hear,” Nick Jonas said. “As I and Renae Nicole is looking forward to future

manage dating during school.” an outdoor wedding, but honestly, I just don’t

she’d write a song about me and put it out there hit amongst young women across the country,

for friends. I have no idea how some people can to get married before graduation, and to have

“Yeah, I love Renae; I just never thought that Nonetheless, the album Where to Start is a

don’t have time to date. I barely even have time bit worried about the weather lately. She wants

own feet—they’re young and confused? wanted everyone to know.”

classes, homework, working, and working out, I McBoss says, “Yeah, my fiancée has been a

Two, she talks about the two tripping over their laughing, and it made me sing even louder. I

Marigolds, there just isn’t time. “Between something adequate.

to the song she has not seen him in three years. heard it all,” Bruinsma said. “I saw his friends

In the opinion of English major, Mariah the ground, it’s been hard for couples to find

she is only a freshman in college, and according “He was sitting on the front row, and he

So, why aren’t students getting engaged? the 5th winter of the year and the moisture in

young when this relationship took off: after all, one unfortunate soul here on Dordt’s campus.

students we are now?” for those early spring weddings either. Between

love. From the lyrics it can be assumed she was herself, is that the song Where to Start is about

incredibly worrying. What am I supposed to tell The weather has not exactly been cooperative

and this drive causes them to realize they are in The inside scoop, according to the queen

the #1 school in student engagement, this is exactly a great and exotic location.”

and a young man go out “lookin’ at the stars,” anonymous Dordt student said.

“Since we’ve been focusing so much on being because . . . you know. We’re in Iowa. It’s not

Forbidden Tragedy recalls a time when she that it’s me that she’s singing about,” an

Rich McRing, a recruiter for Dordt admits, but I thought the only reason they did that is

to come. about me and have everyone on campus know

has been in previous years. McRing agrees. “Some transfer out, yeah,

journey. No one knew there were more songs “I just don’t think I could have a song written

population has dropped to an eighth of what it “They transferred out and everything.”

heart-broken beauty would take us on her love campus pop queen.

by Spring statistics suggest that the engaged to be closer to their high school sweethearts.

the freshman talent show, but no one knew this Not all students are as excited about the

this will do for their ratings. In fact, the Ring had left Dordt to move back to their hometowns

she gave us her hit single Forbidden Tragedy at voice melts my heart.”

administrators are beginning to worry about McBoss points out that some of his friends

available on iTunes. She first took flight when deserves that,” Tom Van Dordtifide said. “Her

has become engaged in the past year, and people on campus is because they leave.”

her newly released EP Where to Start, now listening to the pain in her voice. No one

Hardly any of the current population at Dordt . I think the reason there aren’t as many engaged

Renae Nicole, has taken over the spotlight with the past. She deserves better, and it was hard

Why? Student engagement statistics are down. else out there. It’s just a matter of making time. .

Dordt freshman Renae Bruinsma, stage name “It’s so sad how men have treated her in

Dordt has been scrambling this spring. doesn’t mean I’m any less busy than anyone

played “[her] like a fool.”

out on a date. Sure, I don’t have a job, but that

Abraham Kuyper - Staff Writer back about how she feels about this leach, who

Allison Ermudet - Staff Writer opinion. “I have plenty of time to take my girl

Ring by spring statistics Dordt’s own Taylor Swift

Bottom Text · Last Minute · page XV Dordt couples strive for originality

I’m Not Like Most Dordt Couples - Staff Writer escorted Church Hopping alongside other traditional romantic endeavors. Others have Everybody loves a good romance, even if totally shunned age-old traditions such as the it isn’t their own, and Dordt has a notorious Dordt Walk. reputation for being just the place to get you “It is natural for couples to want to be MRS degree. Being number one in student different. Nobody would want everybody to engagement doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the think that they came to Dordt College hoping to accumulated effort of countless faculty, staff, find a significant other, not a career,” Beyunik and the backing of Dordt parents to slowly train said. Recent polls have shown that most Dordt the Dordt student population over the years into couples consider themselves to be unlike other just the right spirit for optimal match making. Dordt Couples. In fact, 97% of those surveyed The problem is, the newer generation of say that their relationships are different from the eligible students grows increasingly resistant to average Dordt Couple. the idea of being a “Dordt Couple.” “I am concerned about the healthfulness of “Romance implies uniqueness. It isn’t couples struggling against the norm,” Director romantic if other Dordt students have already of the Department of Couple Relations Thera experienced the same story a hundred times Pits said. “If couples don’t find themselves before,” senior Wanda Beyunik said. As the unique and interesting, their relationship will coupling rates increase, Dordt couples continue begin to degrade.” to try and find ways to increase their own The Department of Couple Relations has uniqueness. introduced new programs to help counsel Some have turned to on-campus activities couples through feelings of normalcy and as ways to stand out, including couples’ mediocrity to help keep the engagement Robby T.’s new EP is the intramurals, couples’ musical ensembles, and atmosphere alive and healthy. hottest thing on the block

Bobbert Baylor - Staff Writer Really, that’s about it. Why would I bother Ben Shapiro owns Diamond writing a story when the story writes itself? Just Listen up, Defender Nation. This Robby T. EP listen to the EP. Hey, look: I got a family to feed journalist with facts and is straight fire. We’re talking melt-your-stereo- and quotas to meet. I’m sure the chumps that and-make-you-need-oven-mitts levels of hot. edit this will count it. Of course, this a real article. Obviously, The The standard is the standard. And Robby logic Zircon wouldn’t sell out like that; they have T. raises the standard in the music world. journalistic integrity. I’m sure those schmucks #IndustryStandard. Grips Van Deathselaar - Staff Writer One brave soul at the meeting had the audacity at The Diamond would, though. to ask Shapiro the unthinkable. World renowed journalist Ben Shapiro stopped “Mr. Shapiro, when you admit that Donald by Dordt this past Tuesday. Shapiro is currently Trump is colluded with the Russians to on a quest to find the most conservative college overthrow our democracy?” they said. in the United States. Criteria he is looking for Dead silence. includes freedom of speech, facts and an overall Eyes pan across the room. They know what’s lack of emotions. coming is going to be destruction. “Nobody cares about your feelings,” Shapiro “Listen up liberal, your feelings don’t matter,” said. While many would think Dordt would Shapiro said. “The Mueller reports clears rank highly as a conservative school located Trump of any wrongdoing, but you’re too busy in the heart of NW Iowa, Shapiro remained buying the fake news narrative.” unimpressed. Everybody clapped. The liberal reported had He was practically disappointed with all the been destroyed by Ben Shapiro with facts and stalls in the men’s bathroom and the upcoming logic. Shapiro since has been given the keys to Prodigal Love of God? Conference. Dordt College 2 and full tenure as a professor “Dordt says they’re a liberal arts school,” of journalism. Shapiro said. “What I’m looking for is a The journalist immediately resigned. There Photo by Grips Van Deathselaar conservative arts school. I think I should start is no way to recover from the destruction of looking at trade schools.” Shapiro believes Shapiro. Dordt’s lack of focus on facts could only come “Perhaps there is hope for Dordt and The one way: fake news. Diamond after all,” junior Brendan Sanders Shapiro decided to visit a Diamond meeting. said. Shapiro echoed these sentiments, but Once there, he realized his worst fears existed acknowledged the road ahead is long. For now, at Dordt. The lamestream media has infiltrated celebration in today’s victory. Dordt College, trying to overthrow Christian “OK, that was epic,” Shapiro said. values for liberalism.

Photo by Grips Van Deathselaar Bottom Text DUFC

FICTORIE vs WALICORD

“BATTLE OF THE SOUTHERN DRAWL” CULPEPPER vs PITTS “IRONMAN TRIATHALON” FESSLER vs ZWART NICK FROM THE COMMONS vs JAKE FROM THE GRILLE TAZELAAR vs THE ADMINISTRATION “DAVID” ZHU vs “GOLIATH” ROTH COSGROVE vs A STACK OF 140 PAPERS JON DE GROOT vs TECH SERVICES LIVE FROM THE DEWITT - SATURDAY MAY 11

Photo by Grand MS Paint Wizard

Bottom Text