Staff Picks - 2
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STAFF PICKS - 2 News That Matters Not was one of the premier satirical websites in India between 2009 and 2015. The website was one of the earliest to make a mark in its field in India, winning its young team two international awards for its impactful content. NTMN was known for its witty takes on the politics of the day, social issues, the media, youth, everyday life, and popular culture. This e-book is part of a series that celebrates the legacy of some of the sharpest satire published on the Indian web before comic videos went viral and fake news became evil. Volumes in the series: Best of NTMN: Volume 1 | Volume 2 | Volume 3 Other Works: Staff Picks - 1 | Staff Picks – 2 | Visuals Articles in Hindi | Ripped Apart series | Full archive About NTMN | Team NTMN | Disclaimer Vyapam scam accused found alive under mysterious circumstances August 20, 2015, Pratul Bagri The conspiracy deepens. Another alive body has left the police perplexed. The Vyapam scam took a turn for the worse when another person became victim to the claws of life. The body of Mr. Srinivasn was discovered by his wife, and was found to be quite alive and breathing at the time and after. An ambulance was called and Mr. Srinavasn was rushed to nearest hospital. Unfortunately, the doctors declared him alive on arrival. Currently, Mr. Srinivasn is in critical unit where he is fighting baseless claims that someone is killing all the accused in the Vyapam scam case. Mainstream media was seen fervently praying for his ill-health and a quick recovery to the nearest grave. Asaram Bapu to wear red mini skirt to get back his bhakt base August 18, 2015, Punita Maheshwari “My close aides advised me that it is time for me to take a new avatar. Devotees seem to like the red dress trend. If that is what my followers want, I wouldn’t think twice about entertaining their wish,” said the holy man from the prison. It was Rupesh, a close aide, who suggested this move to Asaram. “Since I am not currently dealing with the assault case slapped on Asaram Bapu, I decided to take up the PR position. I strongly feel bhakt jans are desperately longing for a new avatar of baba.” Asaram was seen in jail, dancing around in a skin-tight red t-shirt and a red mini skirt with a red cap. The red avatar darshan is now just a click away as his social media experts have shared his pictures on the internet. However, it has been made clear that the pictures shared online are just a trial darshan and money will be charged after the trial period is over, the charges will be inversely proportional to Bapu’s skirt length. Skirt outsourced from Radhe Maa The skirt was apparently outsourced from Radhe Maa and is already creating much fanfare among the loyal followers. Meena, a bapu bhakt had tears of joy upon seeing Bapu in skirt. “Just look at him, who else can be a better incarnation of God than this pure and pious soul dancing, and showing just enough legs,” she said wiping her tears. First ever coalition babgiri formed In order to reinvigorate his bhakt base Asaram will be forming a first ever coalition babagiri with Radhe Maa. “Both our fan bases contain completely different demographics,” the PR agent said. “Hopefully this sharing of power will be beneficial for both of us. Eventually, we plan to cut in the bhakt share of other babas,” he added. Meanwhile, sources have confirmed that in order to face lift the rapist’s image, Honey Singh will be composing some hip bhajans that could appeal to the misogyny of his ardent followers. Narcissist Arvind Kejriwal's name spelled on his birthday cake, people shocked August 16, 2015, Pratul Bagri Megalomaniac, egomaniac and Machiavellian Chief Minister of Delhi, Arvind Kejriwal, was again in the news today and this time for yet another display of his abuse of political power. Celebrating his birthday the Chief Minister had the audacity to have a cake with his name written on it. And eat it too! Such ludicrous display of self-glorification has created an outrage and has positively “broken the internet,” much of twitter was in abusive mode over this self-masturbation. People of Delhi are rightfully regretting bringing this Maoist scum to power. We talked to Mr. Adarsh who had much to say about this commie. “I am absolutely appalled that a Chief Minister would force the cake makers to write his name on it. This clearly displays his communist tendencies. Such narcissism has no need in a democracy, to think that one could have such an ego is abominable.” Kejriwal denies Mr. Kejriwal has denied that it was his name on his birthday cake or that he was aware of the pre-planned birthday party. He however said, and we quote, “I agree this is a wrong practice. I will stop this practice forthwith.” Mr. Kejriwal later tweeted pictures of Sheila Dikshit’s and Najeeb Jung’s cake which had their names on it. However, a backlash followed immediately where people said that it was exactly because of previous government’s self-glorification that he was brought to power and now he was following the same steps. Sources say that slogans of “Jai Arvind” instead of “Jai Hind” were shouted on Independence day and have further confirmed people’s view that Arvind Kejriwal is indeed a Naxal power monger. (With inputs from Aashish Aryan) Citing constitutional authority, Lt Governor Najeeb Jung cancels Kejriwal's lunch order July 25, 2015, Shridhar Kurlageri In what appears to be another case of power struggle in Delhi, Lt Governor Najeeb Jung displayed his dominance by cancelling Delhi Chief Minister, Mr. Kejriwal’s lunch order. This exercise of authority has sparked an outrage in the Aam Aadmi Party. Sources have confirmed that the cook at Kejriwal bhavan departed for a ten day vacation and Mr. Kejriwal had to order his food from outside. After waiting for an hour the Chief Minister inquired about his Dal-Roti order from“Jaggu da Dhaba” and to his dismay his order was cancelled by Lt Governor Najeeb Jung. Official confirmation given Mr. Kejriwal received an official letter about the order cancellation from Mr. Jung. The letter contains detailed explanation of how Lt Governor has constitutional authority to override the orders of the Chief Minister. The office has insisted that the Lieutenant Governor is the sole authority in Delhi on any major issues, including top appointments. According to the office, Lt. Governor also has the authority to decide what Mr. Kejriwal eats, who can marry whom, who should be opening for India in test matches, whether Jadeja is in the team as a bowler or as a batsman, and does Rohit Sharma really has the potential. Governmnet of India approves Government of India came out in support of Mr Jung. BJP veteran, Mr. Rajnath Singh issued a statement in favour of the Lt Governor. “There is nothing illegal being done here. It is the prerogative of the Lt Governor to decide what can be ordered for lunch by a Chief Minister and what cannot be. This is all for the good health of Mr. Kejriwal.” Currently the matter is with Delhi high court . The decision on whether Kejriwal can order Roti and Dal for lunch will be decide by Delhi high court by next week Dr. Shashi Tharoor intellectual, eloquent and really, really hot, people have admitted July 22, 2015, Pratul Bagri In the light of Mr. Shahsi Tharoor inflicting third degree burns on British colonialism during an Oxford debate, people have admitted that the Member of Parliament is intellectual, eloquent and really, really hot. “I have always thought Dr. Tharoor was good looking, but when I saw him debate about Britishers owing reparations, it became quite clear that not only is this guy cute, but is actually really fucking hot,” said Prashant, a student at Delhi University. “I mean, the way he dismantled the Britishers with just his eloquence is secondary to him being good looking. It really is his eyes that does it for me.” “I would totally tap that,” Prashant added. Shashi Tharoor just a pretty face? Not everyone is happy with this new found hotness of Shashi Tharoor. Mrs. Kavita Jagmohan, a prominent journalist has said that many people are overlooking Tharoors’s brillance and are just looking at his face. “Some dimwits are just listening to him because of his handsome face. The words that come out the mouth of this Greek god are equally important. His eloquence while speaking and the way this handsome son of bitch flicks his head to adjust his glorious hair—perfectly partitioned by Jesus himself—is brilliant.” “For many people Shashi Tharoor might just be an eye candy but not for me. His sound logic and arguments are most inspiring. His sensual English accent, chiseled face, lustful eyes that radiate with the intensity of a thousand burning suns, might impress some people, but not me, not at all,” Mrs. Kavita said. Delhi people would rather go back to President's rule, Yogendra Yadav's internal survey reveals July 16, 2015, Kumar Pratik NTMN’s internal survey, conducted by our latest member Yogendra Yadav has revealed that Delhi people would rather go back to President’s rule than prolong their suffering under the AAP regime. After Arvind Kejriwal took his Robinhood Pandey image to its limits by hiking petrol and asking for donations from people on the same day, the people of Delhi were seen revolting loudly at their TV screens.