The New Hampshire Gazette Postage Paid Portsmouth, N.H
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First Class U.S. A Non-Fiction Newspaper The New Hampshire Gazette Postage Paid Portsmouth, N.H. Vol. CCLVIII, No. 26 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Permit No. 75 Address Service Requested September 19, 2014 PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com Th e Fortnightly Rant "A Phony from Massachusetts" Th e nation’s plutocrats have a having recently introduced a voter huge task ahead of them. to Brown. For decades now America’s “I always thought Scott was politically-engaged wealthy have kind of a phony from Massachu- been making vague and perhaps setts,” the voter told Sununu. But dubious claims that their eye- after meeting him, he’d changed popping incomes are fairly based his mind. on their subtle yet majestic mana- “Th at guy was … he’s not … gerial skills. he’s a phony from New Hamp- Over the next 45 days, those al- shire that just happened to live in leged skills — and, of course, their Massachusetts for a little while.” very real and apparently limitless Wrapping up his remarks, our millions — will be put to the test. Executive Councilor handed the Can they turn Scott Brown into mike over to the man he called a Senator from New Hampshire? “the ass-kicking Scott Brown.” Th ey must relish a challenge — Th e Matchup or maybe they’re just desperate. In order to win, Brown will have High Stakes, Low Comedy to unseat an incumbent who’s in Th e stakes could be higher, but the habit of winning. not by much. Th e White House After serving two terms in the is out of play this November, and New Hampshire Senate, Jeanne the House of Representatives Shaheen won election as the fetching; he wore them on a fi rst Health Care for America Act, silly truck north this Spring, he might as well be. But the Senate state’s fi rst female Governor in date once — with Gail Huff , now thus killing off any chance for a inexplicably revived that theme in could change hands — and it’s 1996. She won her third term in his wife of 32 years. government-run health insurance an interview: “Do I have the best balanced on a knife’s edge. that offi ce without taking “the No Public Option For You agency, or “public option.” credentials?” he asked rhetorically. One of the world’s mightiest pledge” against broad-based taxes Th roughout his 46 years in Tough Primary “Probably not. ’Cause, you know, levers of power is almost within — a feat that had not been ac- the U.S. Senate, Ted Kennedy’s Th is primary campaign has whatever.” reach. If Republicans can grab it complished since 1962. dream had been to make health been tough for Brown, but not Once a professed believer in they can bring the world’s one- After fi ve straight electoral care available to every American. because of the competition. His anthropogenic climate change, and-only Indispensible Nation™, wins, Shaheen ran for the Sen- After his death in 2009, a special worst enemy has been himself. he’s now regressed to denial; after Exceptional® from coast to coast, ate in 2002 but narrowly lost to election was held to fi ll out the re- Lumbering old Bob Smith had grandstanding on his two weeks to a grinding and deeply satisfy- John E. Sununu — quite possibly mainder of his fi nal term. his die-hard supporters, but no- of National Guard training in ing halt. President Obama might because the Executive Director of While campaigning for Kenne- where near enough to win. Jim Afghanistan, he was castigated by as well don an orange jump suit the New Hampshire Republican dy’s old seat, Brown said “I could Rubens gave too many Republi- veterans; he accepted a $127,000 and go to Guantanamo where he Party hired cyber-goons to block be the 41st senator that could stop cans the willies; he had, you know fee from a company profi ting from belongs. the phones of the Democratic the Obama [health care reform] … ideas. the exportation of jobs, and hid in Naturally, under these circum- get-out-the-vote eff ort. proposal that’s being pushed right Even so, Smith and Rubens, and a bathroom to avoid a reporter. stances, all eyes were on Chris- Centerfold Notes now through Congress.” seven lesser-known candidates,, But despitep his gaff es, un- topher T. Sununu, Executive Shaheen’s challenger has chalk- Brown’s opponent Martha drew 58,720 votes amongst them.em. seemlyseemly revelations, and just Councilor for this District, as he ed up some wins of his own, Coakley ran an awful, lackluster Smith, the Establishment-ap-- plainplai weird hijinks, he introduced Scott Brown at a rally though in a diff erent arena. He campaign. He doesn’t deserve proved candidate, barely ekedd waswa recently endorsed at Harbour Place on the eve of won Cosmopolitan’s “America’s credit for winning so much as out 124 more than that. byb John H. Sununu the Primary Election. Sexiest Man” contest in 1982. His she deserves blame for losing. As How has Brown run his cam-m- anda Judd Gregg [see “I’m a Sununu,” said Sununu, centerfold spread — nude but coy promised, Brown’s election gave paign off the rails? Let us countt inset,i left]. displaying his hereditary charm, — started him on “a long, lucra- Senate Minority Leader Mitch the ways … BrownB swooped into “so I get to hog the microphone tive … career” with Wilhelmina McConnell the one additional A year before he announced his the state with a classic for a minute.” Models, the perks of which in- vote he needed to fi libuster bills in candidacy he sent a famous series Republican attitude: “Th is looks From that inauspicious start, cluded, according to Th e New York the Senate. By taking Kennedy’s of seemingly inebriated Tweets, like mine; I’ll take it.” With any things went rapidly downhill. Su- Times, a pair of pink leather shorts seat, Brown sounded the death culminating in the immortal luck we’ll soon see his tail lights, nunu related an anecdote about worth $750. Th ey must have been knell for the House’s Aff ordable “Bqwhatevwr.” After driving his receding into the distance. Th e Alleged News It Ain’t Easy, Defeating an Abstract Noun Th e nation’s newer news media Unfortunately, several equally Bin Laden hated America be- spent him by a ratio of six million Wars have always had a way of fi red up their mighty Wurlitzers relevant questions about terror in cause we backed Israel, occupied to one. advancing technology, assuming last week and subjected their the Middle East and our response Saudi Arabia, and sanctioned By reacting as bin Laden ex- you’re willing to accept increased viewers to the thirteenth annual to it had to go unacknowledged Iraq. So, he attacked New York pected and then some, we allowed lethality as progress; but during set of solemn televised rituals sup- due to genuine but intangible with the intent of luring us into him to cause us to infl ict more the 21.5 nation-years we’ve spent posedly refl ecting on the tragic constraints imposed upon the war in Afghanistan, the graveyard damage on our own economy and fi ghting two anti-terror wars events of September 11, 2001. presenters by their respective em- of empires. national debt than anyone in re- since 2001, our armed drones Coverage of this year’s pi- ployers and by the customs of the But we didn’t just attack Af- cent decades — except, of course, have become real marvels: these ous display was almost certainly trade. ghanistan. We’re Americans. We our own bankers and mortgage new tools can manufacture new amped up in response to videos For example, no one seems to doubled down and invaded Iraq companies. enemies even as they’re killing the posted online showing the re- have asked whether our course too. Our combined death toll in During the Great War — the old ones. cent beheadings of James Foley of action since 2001 has done the those wars has been twice that of war that was going to end all wars, Th anks to the Talibans’ draconi- and Steven Sotloff . It’s enough to nation any good. September 11th. 100 years ago — pacifi sts used to an system of justice, Afghanistan’s make one wonder — are ISIL’s ji- Are we in charge of our own Bin Laden got us into two say that a bayonet was a tool with 2001 poppy crop was negligible. hadis now programming our pro- foreign policy, or is that in the wars for the price of one, but that a worker at each end. Th ings are Th is year, poppy cultivation there grammers? hands of ISIL, too? doesn’t do justice to his frugal- a lot diff erent now, or so we like is up by 36 percent over 2012, Th e relevant video clips were Worse yet, did we turn our for- ity — or is it our profl igacy? Th e to think. We’ve become less will- while opium seizures are down by acknowledged but, of course, eign policy over to Osama bin 9/11 attacks cost him about half a ing to accept casualties, and more 57 percent. Eighty percent of the never broadcast. Finally: a policy Laden in the confusion following million dollars. Our response has willing to invest in killing ma- upon which all Americans may 9/11? Would things be much dif- cost us, according to the National chines; either that or no one dares Th e Alleged News agree.