NARRATIVES of BEREAVED ADULT SIBLINGS by Brenda J. Marshall A
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
SILENT GRIEF: NARRATIVES OF BEREAVED ADULT SIBLINGS By Brenda J. Marshall A thesis submitted in conformity with the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy Department of Adult Education and Counselling Psychology Ontario Institute for Studies in Education University of Toronto ©Copyright by Brenda Marshall 2009 Silent Grief: Narratives of Bereaved Adult Siblings Doctor of Philosophy, 2009 Brenda J. Marshall Department of Adult Education and Counselling Psychology University of Toronto Abstract This qualitative research project is a narrative inquiry into the lives of four bereaved siblings; one is myself. The purpose of the project was to explore our mutual experiences of loss, look for patterns, and create a forum for continuing our stories in a new way. Identified as a disenfranchised loss (Wray, 2003) adult siblings are often seen as the least impacted family member when a sibling dies. After such a death, the concern is first directed toward the grieving spouse and children and then the deceased’s parents. Adult siblings are often expected to be a source of strength and support for others. Through in-depth interviews and story telling, three participants shared their reflections of, first, living with and, then, living without beloved siblings. Their stories of loss and love are captured both with words and visually through photographs. My stories are woven throughout the text as I reflect upon my grief journey and ongoing search for meaning. ii Findings of this research offer a glimpse into the profound depth of this loss and some of the unique challenges faced by bereaved adult siblings. All participants experienced strained dynamics within families of origin as members grieved the loss differently. Elderly parents, in particular, were hesitant to speak of their deceased child, setting a tone of silence within the family. To help “protect” parents from further grief, participants gradually stopped talking about deceased siblings in their presence. Relationships with surviving siblings were also strained as roles were reformed. For the three women participants, passing years did not lessen the emptiness of the loss. The pain was rekindled with each passing family milestone. All of us were changed by this experience. Sharing stories with an interested listener created another avenue for meaning making and a new way to honour and memorialize our lost siblings. Each of us moved to new understandings about ourselves and our relationships with our deceased siblings, naming the experience as transformative on many levels. Hopefully this study will serve as support for other grieving adult siblings and contribute to furthering research in grief and bereavement. iii Acknowledgements Thank you to Gary Knowles, thesis supervisor and guide, for supporting me throughout, pushing for excellence at every turn and helping me to “think big.” Thank you to Ardra Cole for providing a safe place for this story to begin and for modelling an approach to research that is inspiring. Thank you to Solveiga Miezitis for introducing me to the connection between creativity and wellness years ago and being present to see it come full circle. Thank you to Gail Lindsay for reading this work so carefully, asking such good questions and being a wonderful presence at my exam. Thank you to Carmen Shields for setting in motion an awakening to narrative many years ago and for your ongoing friendship and support. Thank you Rena, Karen, and Catherine for sharing your stories so freely, trusting me to hold them with care and accompanying me on this journey. Thank you Susanne, Jocelyn, and Carter for making space for me to be a part of your lives. Thank you Stephen for being the brother you are and holding me steady through the very bad parts. Thank you Mom and Dad who through your quiet strength, model that life can continue in spite of such loss. Thank you John for living every moment of this experience with me, making space for this work to emerge and for always thinking that what I write is worth reading. And thank you Brent, my little brother, for 38 years of love and laughter. I am because you were. I will love you forever. iv Table of Contents Abstract............................................................................................................ii Acknowledgements........................................................................................iv Photographs ..................................................................................................vii PART ONE “FOR ME” ...................................................................... 1 Joy and Sorrow ...............................................................................................2 Opening Words................................................................................................3 Becoming a Researcher .................................................................................9 Siblings Matter...............................................................................................19 PART TWO “FOR US” .................................................................... 28 A Tale of Two Sisters ....................................................................................29 Rena & Cookie...............................................................................................30 Cookie .....................................................................................................................31 Getting Acquainted..................................................................................................34 My Big Sister ...........................................................................................................36 The Void..................................................................................................................40 Family Relationships ...............................................................................................43 Making Meaning......................................................................................................48 Karen & Brian ................................................................................................60 Brian........................................................................................................................61 My Big Brother ........................................................................................................66 Family Pain .............................................................................................................73 The Children............................................................................................................78 Remembering..........................................................................................................81 Making Meaning......................................................................................................86 Catherine & James ........................................................................................94 James......................................................................................................................95 My Little Brother ......................................................................................................98 The Dark Side .......................................................................................................102 Last Day of Normal ...............................................................................................106 Changed as a Parent ............................................................................................111 Making Meaning....................................................................................................113 v PART THREE “FOR THEM” ......................................................... 125 When Great Trees Fall ................................................................................126 Methodology and Methods.........................................................................128 Narrative Insights ..................................................................................................139 Literature versus Practice ..........................................................................148 The Rules of Grief .................................................................................................152 Silence ..................................................................................................................155 Meaning ................................................................................................................157 Discovery and Recovery.............................................................................161 Story Lost ..............................................................................................................164 Story Recovered ...................................................................................................170 Implications ...........................................................................................................175 Closing Words & New Beginnings.............................................................185 Brent......................................................................................................................190 References...................................................................................................191 vi Photographs Figure 1 – “Sisters,” Source: Family Photo, Rena, 1993.....................................30