I STAYED UP WITH JERRY
September 1987
by Bill Barol
I’m no lawyer, but: Copyright in this unedited version of a story published in Newsweek, September 21, 1987, almost cer- tainly rests with Newsweek. This version is reprinted here by permission, which I will certainly get around to securing as soon as I can, and registered with the Writers Guild of America, January 2008. LAS VEGAS' Septembet 6, 5:50 Pl4PD!: rhrs year r a's ]-n
r ^-..: ^ r ^l^^- n-., years past, the slogans of the Jerr y IJEWI> LICI.IJTJ L LJO,Y
' ' Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy are q | . r, Up With Jerry and Watch the Stars Come Out'' and "Miss a Little and You
Miss a Lot.,- AII right, then. This year I intend to stay up with Jerry through the telethon' s entir e 2L and a half hours, missing not one minute.
My p1an, a kind of Vegas anthropology, is to study the telethon from close up, considering it as a very particular kind of show business phenomenon. It's not my intention to make light of the cause, which is deadly serious; the
Muscular Dystrophy Assoc.ation, which is beyond reproach; or the telethon's fundraising record-a staggering s404 nrillion over 22 years. It s the show itself r m fascinateC with. Mix pathos and bathos, fold in the cloying clubbiness of old-time show b:-z, add a few stars and a bunch of hacks and retreads, season with fatigue over a cruelly extended period and you have the telethon-a one-of-a-kind show business event, the kind of event that could only happen right here in Las Vegas. Lewis moved the show out of New
York in L973, according to Telethon Coordinator Jerry
Weinberg, because the TV business had largely moved from the East to the West Coast. Why didn't they take it to Los "LA Angeles, then? is TV and movies," Weinberg says.
Las Veqas is Entertainment. i can almost hear him capitalize the E
Nerzer having been to Las Vegas before, I wasn't sure urhaf ir a1.nF/-F : discrvered : ighl-- avray --hat Vegas is not the kind of town that sits back and waits for you to form an opinion of ii. Vegas meets you at the plane, gives you a "I wedgie and screams LOVE THIS GUY, LET'S HAVE SOI\48
FUN." On the way in from the airport I passed the Las
Vegas Museumof Natural Historyr whose two-story billboard "DINO-MIGHT, banners featuring T-Rex and Triceratops
LIVE." I drove past the Fabulous Pharmacy. The street signs tell you where you are by hotel names-just past the corner of Las Vegas Blvd. and Dunes-Flamingo I turned lefi into Caesar's Palace, home to the telethon since L982.
"Now go straight through the slot s," the desk clerk told me, past Cleopatra s Barge-that's the big boat in the water-turn left in the Olvmpic Casino and take the elevator by the seven-foot statue of Joe Loui s. My room,
I discovered when I got there two and a half hours 1ater, had an octagonal tiied bathtub and mirrors over the bed.
The plastic sign hanging from the door reads "Do Not
Disturbus. It occurred to me as I unpacked that the telethon could logically be held in no other place on eartn. 'm I have spent many hours preparing for what I about to do. On the plane trip out from New York I read l{is Walr
r r r n f l Kiffv Kcllev's S i n : f . : hp iL n J - q i - : r ' i nr: r\ r u L I , a n d hard a t the picture of Frank, Sammy, Dean, Peter and Joey in Ocean s
ll, silentiy sounding out Rat Pack slang to myself: the
Big Casino is death, and Dullsvilie, Ohio is anywhere but
Vegas. Last night I crossed the srreeL to the Imperial
Palace and caught the early shorv of "Legends, an impersonators revue, singing Iustily along with EIvis impersonator Tony Roi and the cast in their finale of
"Viva Las Vegas. " Before I lef t my room a few minutes I drank two pots of room service coffee. The burger with onions may have been a bad idea. Never mind
Ithinklmready.
The PA just announced that there are 10 minutes to arr.
The 25,000-sq.-ft. Sports Pavilion is filling up; the Iast few guests, many of them in black tie, are being shown to their seats by white-uniformed midshipmen from the Merchant
Marine Academy. The tote board reads S34,096,773-Iast year s total. Now a crowd of dancers j-n multi-colored rain slickers files on stage. Two minutes to go. Reality Check:
I can see a sliver of bright sunlight through the open fire doors. A stagehand swings them shut and we re in the dark.
The dancers twirl their umbrellas nervously as the I0- second countdown beqins.
^l-.^-e 6:00 pm: Airtime. The girls-I have learned in rlty Jrlu! L
'- time here that female sinqers and dancers are ni rl <' "Dooby-doop-do. "qi ' begin to chirp " It is '^i '"' in the
Rain," for no apparent reason. House fights up full. A lot of applause.
a nd oen I I emen LAO I ES Y-..":v1.l9lr, , che PA anncuncer says, for
nh rn\/ Cnrj the next 2L and a hal-f hours . vlr ltl) UvU.
H E T E S the man who started it ali, the national chairman of the Muscular Dystrophy Associatron-Mr. Jerry
of anrlinn .rrr:iinn il-r^h Lew]-s! Jer Lfr\7 LrruLLJAnrprq Ta)Lv c12 >LO. lILrf lrlj \JVd,LI\Jtlt LtlEll introduces some very special peopl e, Casey Kasem enrers in a show-biz trot, and thanks Jerry for allowing him to participate. Jerry introduces Julius LaRosar probably the best singer who ever lived, but I'm prejudiced because he's my dear iriend." Julius runs out in a show-biz trot, and thanks Jerry for allowing him to participace. Jerry introduces SammyDavis Jr., "who will always be here for whatever I need him to do, and tonight that's let me love ' "This him. Sammy: year, man, is gonna be the best. I
Iove you. We re cooking now. Jerry brings out Ed McMahon,
"fhe oiant who has stood beside ft!, a marvelous fotce.
Ed kisses Jerry. "{ou ready to go?'he asks. "Let's do it. Jerry asks ihat the toteboard be wiped clean, and it "My " resets to S0,000,000. God it's a long night, Jerry says. The audience/ most of whom will be leaving at l:L5, laugh appreciatively. I don t.
6:19 pm: Caesar s is described in a promotional film as ' 'the *^-'^ : '---t-nation srrL beautvveuuu )' .cJL ltlall > !Ittd,9 I showcased in a wonderland ' of excitement.
6:35 pm: We re going to try to entertain and inform you as best we can over the next 2I and a half hours,
Jerry says. He keeps saying that. Has a whole half hour cf my young life not just slipped by? I'm starting to worry.
F,.?7 nm. ,Tprrw inf rnrirrr-qg Miami SOund MaChine. The
Iights go down and the crowd lets out an expectant Oooooh.
But the group isn't here. it s on tape. The beginninqs of disgruntled mutter run through the audience, who sit silently in the darr and ',/atch on big video screens. I pause to consider the imp'icaticns of this: I could iust as easily be sitting in my room rigat now, soaking in the octagonal bathtub and eating Shrimp Louie and watching on
TV. I decide to stj-ck around, but have to conf ess I feel a bit cheated. " 6:4L pm: "This gentleman is durable, Jerry says,
"because he only does quality. And he only does quality because that's the way he thinks. And he's a super tal-ent. l4r. Paul Anka." Paul looks pretty good in a white suit and matching shoes and suntan the color of mahogany veneer. I'm ' ' n i t n ^ ' ' ''p1;.r.ry cinn h r r { - i.stgad rrvfrrlryh o o i n o hrrL e ' l l !! Jlll9 L)Ld,!Ld, \Jl-or rLjyyy !UVEf . n r r o I Uu L f ll it's a slowed-down version of "Put Your Head on my
Shoulder." Paul is Looking more and more Iike Frank
Sinatra as the years go by, right down to the hunched shoulder and the quick srimace and the hand moved in little circles Iike a chopper blade to convey world-weariness, ot resignation, or something. Now he s singing a specialty version of "My Way : When Jerry phoned/I swear I groaned
^^ -^^ rr"^^FF . //T L lrrm u7c)r;':wvLNfrr9 Lrlc i\ug\JsL/ zBrriuuL ucL!I,Terrv saidZ'Aiive or dead/So I'11 do it his way After he sings the line
"I'd like to hear a thunderous hand," he shouts "Give
im the hand I The applause s ign f l-ashes on . Applause . I thank you/uyyyy waiieee . SLandinq ovation. I feel like
I ve had a very fast, very vigorous massage.
7:00 pm: Back from a break a mj-nute or two early, the crew is caught cn-camera sec F-i-ng up some stage gear . Jerry abuses them ior a minute, which is pretcy funny. Novr he's "There coming up into the audience with a bucket. s something very vrarm and Loving abcut people gi v Lr:,et he says. A guy asks if he wants a s25 chip or a ,$10 bi1l.
"put the $25 chip in:here," Jerry commands, and the guy "Now " does. gimme the $I0 bif I. The guy does'
7206 pm: Jerry introduces Tom Jones, one of the infinitely foremost entertainerS not only on the Las Vegas ' ' bumps his way into Jc{-r'in L L r [J t hrrfvu L i n the entire world. Jones "soul a version of Man,- f rom which every hint oi funk has "The been excised. It comes out sounding like stripper.
I m reasonably sure this isn't what Sam and Dave had in mind.
7:L5 pm: The first break. The national telethon will go off for 15 minutes every hour and local stations will fiII the time; here in Las Vegas' new audiences witl cycled in.
7:30 pm: He s back. A brief svrelt in the applause nearly brings us up to Standing O i3, but tails off. "Gimme " " " 7 t38 pm: a numberr Jerry cries, tympani !
As kettledrums roll Lhe t.oteboard turns over to $1,0L7,573'
7244 pm: Jerry geLS a cheCk from an executive vP of 1- "that Il. "Can you believe, Jerry, the VP asks, it was "My LZ years ago we met?" mind doesn't compute that,
Jerry assures him.
7 z5L pm: Jerry introduces my main man, sammny Davis
Jr." Sammy, dedicating his performance tc a fellow "I performer stricken with MS: know some people think, it
- i ^'r- d^nnr rrqyysrrh,annen toLv rhe taf nef S. It Can t happen to d, !ll L 9\JlIrra entef ' ' them.
?.('Q nm. Qlmmrr nn"nric ^f^-FL ca'- been in show I a JO PlLt; Jcttlutty >(JuIrL.r5 v . He has
t ra Nllvv/ F-hisL the first thing lrrrq,ineq,e,58 tv !=aL' ^ - ^ > \ because it's he tells the audience; they applaud) and he wears the years "That like a charnpionship bel-t. Big hand when he's done. man is SEVENFOOT NINE," Jerry tells the audience soberly.
B:07 pm: Our next guest is a very bright and talented young Lad.y, Jer ry says in introducing Elayne Boosler.
Boosler is funny and I'm sure she's smart, bub why is it "bright"? only comedians who are introduced as What does this say about singers and dancers? I don't even want to think about the implications for mimes.
B:30 pm: "Hiyo, Ed says, and the audience Hiyos right back. Ed introduces Jerry. Very close to a Standing O-the house lights come up, which I've realized is the cue for an audience shot. But no dice.
Q.JJR. ?? nm. ,Terrrz inf rndrrr-es Tonv-""J Orl ando in New YOrk, and nra i qeq fhe deoth of his commitment to MDA. While I certainly don't quarrel with that, I do wonder how hard it
. i Ira: Ea!!y l'r rz !Jo !VLF a r T!Vrrj n n r r tLv -o ^Es}/kopn the date C l e a r On h i s c a l e n d a r .
Never mind. Tony sings sometning called Here s to You.
It s utterly empty. Yeah! Yeah! Jerry cries. Okay' we'II keep the exci-tement going-here s Frank Sinacra!
"!.lhta a.A'2 nm. Ci--r-- Fraa nf'l anr'i- r-i+-'r -i^-e u.=J vJ-ildLLd,y LL(rlit dLrcLllL-ru \-rLy i 5f ii95 vtildu NOW "New " My Love and York, New York. It's kind of sad to see. Nobody loves his old Frank Sinatra reccrds more than rn!, but tonight Sinatra is running on f umes and his mind is elsewhere- I am about co be a brand new si-ar t of it in old 'he New York, sings at one point. The Vegas crowd loves
!^:- ^1-^^i ^^ -l ^^^ rr^^n.l I" -^rl ^i.'i nn l-rim Fh n I m a n y W a y r C f a p p r r t g a I O I ] 9 f a g g e O f y anO Y i v ! r r Y ! r r r l L urr! ' 'The biggest hand of the night rvhen he's through. best ! The best!" Jerry hollers. I'm beginning to notice that it's Jerry s habit to say things twice. My mind is wandering too. Maybe it's the Roman motif here at Caesat sr but I can't help noticing that Sinatra s hairpiece-a curiously swept-forward affair-makes him look Like the
Emperor Claudius after a long night at the baths.
Note to Mr. Sinatra: The foregoing was of course a harmless joke, and was intended to convey :lo disrespect.
"Let me tell you about giants Jerry is saying down on stage.
9:15 pm: I take my first break, hustling to the telethon commissary fcr a cup of coffee and some McDonald's
Chocolaty Chip Cookies. It occurs to me as I rush back- there are only about L2 minutes per hour during which audience members can enter and Ieave the Sports Pavilion- that I am in one swoop doing two things that were forbidden to me as a child: staying up all night and eating junk. And that I am, in a sense, getting paid to do these tnings'
America. The sky over the desert is clear and blue.
9:30: "Hi-yo," Ed says. Back on the air. Jerry introduces the McDonaIrl's AII-Amer ica High school Jazz band, who are terr j-f j-c. Fine company, McDonald's. Great band, great cookies.
9:44 pm: Jack Jones does the ti-tle song f rom his new "I album, Am a Singer": I am a singer/I sing your songz'I brin LIIC ivords co life . //And i viaii for ycur appLause
Weil, aIl- riqht. Brrt isn': there something vieirdllz - seLf -ref erential about '.hl s? Not to inention seif "Love congratulatory? Now he's singing the Boat" theme, a song he will probably feel constrained to do until he is a little old lounge singer. The audience chuckles. Are they
Iaughing with him or at him? No way to tell. Have to admit he hits a couple of spectacular high notes at the end, "Tosca. thouqh. So it ain't A high note s a high note. I am going to need Eo figure ou: some way Eo get to the commissary and belt down some dinner and get back in L2 m]-nutes.
' {-nn ln.n? nm. - nh:nnozl nrrFFiFc L(JQT rrlLUinl-n a - r.^.,. Sammy S baCk. \-rlarrycu vuL!rLS 7 kind of toreador deal. I'm very pleased about my man Mr. "He Sinattdr" he says. was Looking good, and his chops were in fine fettle. Francis, if you re watching, here's ' one r o r.r-Ke to lav on vou. Now this is more like it.
Jack Jones can hit the high notes-but SammyDavis Jr. in
" rJdrr ^- r7^^^^vcgar D^; r r^ r g-: r r r^^ y nrlun-l rT drm I R Tellingm^ l l i na YouVnr. I m N o t G o i n g and dedicating it to Mr. Frank Sinatra in Atlantic City?
This is show business. Sammy, for those of you wno iike to keep track of this sort of th j-ng, is wear ing six big r ings and something that looks like the astro-sign medailions the
Swi.nging Czechoslovak Brothers used to v/ear on Saturday
NIi dhf f.i rro
rr^.. .:! - MJW .l-L 5 rFriendqhin- L lclruJrllu7 a duet wi th Sammy a::d Jer ry mh: ^ '; ^ ^^^ 1 f tIIaJ a- UUV! t LwVvrn V!unl rf v!nra)q v- in action, the kind of
^r-^.,'-^-^r. i ^ *hat Stluv/rrrarrJ!r rP Lr used to knock em dead ou:siie cn che
_!_r ^ nL^ c^_ .1e 5Lf I|Jr ItIE -'v(J 5cElttT J-\JL Ll t irst time tonight, to be
L^..: '.^ - L ; i ma Lld,vIll(j LrrLlc. d 9LEClL
'I -i{ir.zrr rr!/v, - trciuu q;wq - Two verv n i ne \./nrn.r I arj i gS !v.ivO. ?O r1m:Pl1t, Jq)/r -I"*^,Y have sneaked me in some milk and l4cDonald's Chocolaty Chip cookies from the commissary, a strict violation of telethon rul-es. I m grateful, but stash them in my bag. The place is crawling with nidshipmen. ' 'the Jerry introduces undisputed champion of the art of mimicty, Mr. Rich LittLe," and the crowd goes nuts. But
I m starting to get hip. Not to take anything away f rom li'Ir.
Rj-ch Little, but this is a f resh crowd. The f irst act of 'Let the hour always gets a huge hand. s do some singing ' ' ' 'You impressi-ons, l4r. Rich Little says. I:-ke Neit
Diamond?" Real risky choice, Rich. Mr. Rich Little closes with a Fred Astai-re tribute. When the lights go down for a filmed segment I sneak some McMilk and cookies. I'm starting to run down.
ln.4( q:l nm. iFl-.n r-ara*-aea /-\r l-hrao fllt\7q. hi'i lina fhem-^1'--^ ru: Pltt: IIlg L(JdStgL 5 r -- * 2--r r Urrrrr19 Lllslttberveb as such. Where is Earl "SpeeCo" Carroll? None of these guys, except maybe the one in the ll-foot Afro toupee' looks o1d enough to be a CoasEer. And none seems able to stay on key. This is depressing. Jerry joins them for a
I it-f l e fanr-v sf ennino Thank God. For a minute there I was terrified they were going to come up into the audience and starc shaking hands, the last desperate ploy of che dying entercainer. They're off. ilold it. They're back. It's 'Yacketv Yak.' Thev re rcnp:linn- '"Y fhc fitle over and over vrhi-le the band olavs reai loud. i beiieve this r-s what is " ref erred to in Vegas as " breakin3 ic up. "My God,
Jerry says, "6i years old and here i am dancing like a 'You bananahead." The toteboar 10:52 pm: A representative of the Teamsters hands Jerry a check for S200,000. I'm not sure, but I believe he's the Teamsters vice-president in charge of this sort of thin9. "To 10:57 pm: Jerry introduces l"laureen McGovern: most i-x.i - I r^r' aF cn nd i o lznnr.rn LIIIS J-ctL.ly (JL J\Jt19 !- Nllvwrr aS a WOf ld-ClaSS entgf taingf 'Jazz " Maureen s:-ngs B:'rd. I have started openly eating cookies. These Lhings are great. Pure sugar. I feel like I could lick the whole world. Not beat it, mind You, actually lick it. I know it's strange, but that's how I feel. I don't know. Maybe I ve already seen more of this show Lhan one person should see. "There 1I:07 pm: are few true Iegends in show business, but this man is one oE them," Jerry says, bringing out Joe williams. Joe Williams is wonderful. Class will tel1. 1I:30 pm: Ed: "Hiyo. " The charm of this is starting to wear a bit thin. The ll:30 crowd is real Iively-periiously "Our close to a Standing O. next guests have brought new ' dimensions to dance music as lvell as to rock,' Jerry says ' . i f nl-rnrlrrnillLlvquLrrrY na rrivlllYv n o 6 !vltlvv.R o i n o n T- h i S S e e m s a b i t O V e f S t a t e d tO me. Oingo Boingo is genuinely terribie. Maybe this is because it's not exac:Iy a CBGB's cror,vd they're playing to, or maybe it's because they seeni to be singing co a muddy UctUNIIIV^-^i' i ^^ LrAL\ ;' Y/tl!ULl lrV VLls weLi. l.,l-Enrp-rpr.rrrried LCU\JLUCU vihich no one can hear verv The audience stares back at them in frank bafflement, wondering almost audibly ivhy they couldn t have gotten Frank cr Sammy cr even Mr. Rich Littie in their segment. it occurs bo me as my nind wanders that before I go to bed I "Hiyo" will hear Ed say enough times for one month of Tonight shows. 11:44 pm: It s quarter to three in the morning back home in New York, which means that the car alarm under my window has been wailinq for about 40 minutes. I am starting to -i -^ i +- tLLlDJ r L. 11:50 pm: Jerry: Here s a lady who really walks with style and who really sings with styie, and we re very glad ' to have her walk and sing righL here-Miss Susan Anton. "We're gonna do for you here in this midnight hour," Susan says dramatically, the band vamping behind her, the ' ' blues . Wel-1, sure. When I think of that great Af ro- American art form, Susan Anton s the first person i think of. Look, fet's talk scraighc here. Susan Anton is gorgeous- I am studying her rniniskirt even as I write Lhis-but Bessie Smith she isn't. PeopLe in mini-skirts should not attempt to sing the biues. Oh, I ln sorry. I m starEi:lg to be so tired and the sight of Susan Anton yowling her way through ' a big-beat rendition of Strange Things Are Happening' is making me cranky, and r m out of McCookies besides. In a f ew minutes it wiil be midnight -a new day. I m thinlcing of how nice it r,;ould be to qo outside and breache some of that f resh desert air. Now Susan is singing Bob DyJ-an's "Remernber Forever Young. This is a probiem. what r^iere here for, Susan crles cver the mus1c. Go to your phones and make those calis so everyone has the chance to stay Fnror;er \/r.trir ';voman r'- ^^19 Ihe next to me looks at ner Wd LUtl r t2:00 midniqht: Jerry tries to thank Chief Helen R.inderspocker, the officer in charge of the naval recruiters who ferry people around Las Vegas on show dayr mangles her namer eoofs on it for a full minute' then says God bless you, Helen. ' L2205 am: Jerry, introducing Julius LaRosa: As fine w i n e q rrei hefvrLuL! f er - he npiq heiier-'.'oeal I v a n d i n P V e r v o t h g r i?IllE- Ygu t way. La Rosa is another one of those durabl-e old pros who "Without wear their years weII. He sounds great singing a ' ' Song. L2230 am: Jerry s back. No Ed, though-his opening announcement is on tape. So much for my "Month of Hiyos" theory. Jerry introduces Mr. T. Casey Kasem slips behind the co-host's podium as Jerry ano Mr. T chat. ("i been by Fhe nool sionin'arrt-ooraohs and that. I love bein'here for the chiidrens. This is Mr. T talking, noc jerry. l Casey's appearance is problemacic. Casey Kasemr ds far as I know' "Hiyo. " has no signature saying comparable to Ed's What's Casey Kasem going to do to get che crowd up ac che start of the hour, count down the Top 40? That will cake too long, especially with those interminable trivia questions. I am LCs!rIrYFeel i no vprvvsLI IurrLut i r c r i - eqrru n r i ^ m i-o^ i nn i nn Fn Undef SCand thg concept of lower back pain. Now lr,1r. T ciimbs up i;rto the audience/ and as he goes "A Jerry leads the Lou Brovin orchestra in Pret'uy Girl Is Like a Melody." This is oamn funny when jerry lets himsel-f slip into un!/arnished silli-ness, i-r! s stiii a very funny man. Jerry tells Mr. T to sit, because he's going to ' ' introduce one of the brothers-Sammy Davis Jr. Sammyis "You in midnight blue this trip. Jerry: got something for me? Lay it on me, man." Jerry and Sammymay be the only two people left in America who talk this way. It occurs to me that the aovantage of having Mr. T' around is that he makes Sammylook jewelery-shy. "Begin As Sammysings the Beguine,' Jerry stands motionless behind hi-s podium, sipping a mi-lkshake. But when Sam swings into "Candy Man Jerry starts banging the podium hard with his right hand. The crowd claps along. The director cuts to a shot of Mr. T sitting in the audience' waving his golf cap in time. I f eel like I am trapped i-n a FelIini movie. when the song ends sammy and Mr. T meei ab center stage. "If ' I can't sing like You, Mr. T says, dt least I can come out and shake the people hand. You are a classy "I man, Sammytells him. mean that. Mr. T exits to a huge ovation, leaving me to try to figure out just what it is he does ior a living. Whacever it is, ire aas apparencly done it here toniqht. L2253 am: Jerrv brinqs out someone who will surely bring you pleasure-the cne and only, the inirnitable Mr. " Norm Crosby. Crosby describes the telethon as an upper in a time of downness. l:20 am: At some point betvieen now and dawn I want very mrrr-hf o clo outs ide and look up at the stars . But I am saving this for chat reai *dark-night-of -the-soul tl-me, husbanding i-t the way guys in prison look forward to their hour a day in the exercise yaro. 1:40: "Every day in the Port of Miami," Jerry says "they're from behind the podium, picking up a billion dollars worth of cocaine. If I can get a child out of a wheelchair, I don't care where I get the money. Am I "I hearing this right? This is very bizarre. don't condone what you peopie do. But I sure vzould like to share some of that loot with you. And to the guys on 'uhe take-don't take so much. Give us a little." He laughs a little nervouslyn as if suddenly realizing that maybe he's gone a shade too f ar. Casey , follow t h a t ! -/arcarr o o = y r r!rruu!u!-)'oi nnoro'lrz.''-Tott . - - - . ! r nobody could follow that." I didn't real-Iy expect to start hallucinating unLil about 9 3rl, but I guess f was off by a few hours. "A 1:45 am: truly marvelous original, a great comedian- Mr. Gary Muledeer, Muledeer sings a song about drinking too much beer and going to the bathroom on somebody else s shoes. Casey is smiling widely. Casey has been smiling widely for the last eight hours. Casey looks a waxwork. Among Muledeer's props: a rubber-cippeo dart arrow, three wino-up frogs, two rubber chicrens. I m remembering something Richard Belzer once said: Props are che enemy " " of wit. " " How about that? Jerrv holl-ers . Is he nuts ' cr what?' l:55 am: Julius La Rcsa is in the co-host's spot. What happened co Casey? What kind of wimp is Casey? Ed did hours and hours and in that sooc, and Casey barely two. 2:02 am: Harry Blackstone, Jt, the magician. Aha. I see. Casey apparently took off so he could appear in a box Erick for Blackstone. 2zL9 am: A cutaway is in progress and Vegas is off the air. Down on the stage the crew is setting up a bunch of multi-colored sawhorses. I have this terrible fear there's d,- ulJg;^^ ct\-:nf L uur(lra a m i Ir9nn rnu!/ . v. TuuY r r d r rIi rrYnn Frnm rhe si.Ze O f thg sawhorses, though, which are a good three ieet high, i-'d say they'd have to be big dogs-Newfoundlands, say/ or B1ack Labradors. To the best of my knowledge there are no performing Newfoundlands, even in Las Vegas. Too placid and phlegmatic. Well suited to sheepherdi-n9, but poorly made for acrobatics. I believe I have started to babble- 2:24 am: Worse than I thought. A bunch of clean-cut fresh-faced kids in multi--colored satin warmup jackets have started to gather around the mul-ti-colored barricades. Unless this is some sort of high-school drill team salute " 'd to Les l"liserables , which I ooubt , I say they' re some kind of professionally clean-cut and fresh-faced singing and dancing troupe. Meanwhile, a new group of folks takes seats in the audience. For iust a second I wonder where on earth these peopie are coming from apparently nice normai people, ttdlking aII scrubbed ano chee:fuI -nto an airplane hangar in the middle oi the desert in the middle of the night. A picture pops into my mind: row upon row of big green pods out in the sand somewhere. Then I remember: this .i ^ T -.- \7nar- p\TFrrtrhi f nri nai-lri nn l-5 !ds ve9d5, r^rhi,vtrrutl nh sAvrqrrrDovnl: inq. EVgt y LrrrrrY.nn dllu lIvLrMrY. 2:33 am: Thunderous applause. Jerry waiks out looking fresh as a daisv. God, how I hate him for that. I am starting to think about how nice it would be to sneak back to my room and watch a couple of hours on TV. This, of course, would be wrong. My employers did not send me 2000 miles so I could sit in a hotel room and watch TV like a normal human being. Uh oh. Down on stage, things are even worse Lhan I'd feared. The clean-cut fresh-faced kids are apparently "The something cal-1ed Young Americans," introduced by Jerry as "ambassadors of good will," which is never a good sign, and they are tip-synching some sorL of salute to '50s. the Not [hat it's any recognizable song-it's more of a Generic Tribute to the'50s. I can teII it's the'50s ^-11,' ar'l ,,f i thorr'ro donor.i- J-Ud-Lry 5d-LLlLIIlV no her:a11SeveuquJL theurls uErrLrqrr:enf f al r-yiiO- syncher is wearing a black leather cycle jacket. Oh 'Oh nl'ra"l- :nzl i-t'S voahl" fhe - Yottno--*^.:, AmeriCanS*--.^J SltuUL 7 AIlu I OVef . "And " yeah! !" Jerry shouts. they'I1 be backl Now he's " across the count ry. Cof.fee. This is so cruel. 2:46 am: Jerry brings on Jer ry Vale , descr ibing hirn as ' " about the best at vrhat he does, which praise sounds fainter every time I think of it, but never mind. vale is 'Tii, " singing a song which held no parcicuLar resonance f or me uniii this moment. At this nr:ment i-t is -IOU rh L'-"^ h^':d. f he mnqf 615f uuliua,,n.i -llJ-l19i nn ir lid.vu cvcL tttr:ol KnOW What else? Jerry VaIe has the most amazLng haj-r. It s the color of a platinum watch, and swept up high on one side like meringue. I cannct take my eyes off Jerry VaIe s hair. The t''Cz 5'*'nr1 ,- (.,'--- :'{ / I high schooi kidl puts his arm around his date as Jerry sings ,\ What I Drd For Love I heard Priscilla Lopez sing this in "A Chorus Line" in Los Angeles in L977. Priscilla had nothing on Jerry Vale. Maybe that should be the other way around. She had nice hair too, as I recali, but nothing to compare to Jerry Vale's. I am transfixed by Jerry VaIe's hair as I wri-te this. Oh, and one more thing-maybe it's the p x l r e m e qrlY!c f r n m , r n w h e r e T'- ci ft-inn h r r f . l i d \/1.11 s L!EIttE a n o l c lLUlLl UU wllcIC ! ltl -aLUrrlYt UUL u!u Jvu knOW that Jerry Vale is extremely short. I'd say 4 feet 6. I note this for two reasons. I) It's been a long time since T've sleol - 2 ) I can't remember ,vhaL the second reason is. 2:57 am: Jerry introduces Kool a The Gang. Kool a The Gang are appear ing here at Caesar s. in the Circus l"laximus room, buc appear on tape. Jerry praises Ehem lavishiy tr^- "beino " dlrywdyT LV! uLrtrY hererrLLL whenwl we needed them. I'm confused. Jetty, we re here. Kool & The Gang are on tape. l-Jo r our_DDre/ 3224 am: It is an absolutely perfect nighL. The air warm and dry and smells very faintly sweec. like honeysuckl-e. The sky is perfectly ciear, and there's a UTY full moon out. It's so ioveiv and oeaceful here in the desert . I manage to take ai I this r-n dur ing a mad dash to :he Port-A-John and back. 3:31 am: Sammy Redux. Gray suit, flowered shirt. This ' " hour's Broadlvay Blockbuster : Memcries, " f rom Cat s . 3:35 am: I am not feeJ-ing at one with my feliow audience members. Our energy levels are-how shail I put this?- so wideLy Cisparace. They come in fresh every hour like Dunkin Donuts, whereas I, somewhat in the manner of Ol "The Man River, just keep rolling along. (Sammyis singing Lady is a Tramp down there, with new lyrics interpolated: "Jerry Falwell is a friend of mine Did I miss something?) I feel Iike we ve drifted apart, my fellow audience members and me. They're so up, and I'm so tired. They're so exci*.ed by every new number, and I-well, I ve seen so much here tonight. Could it be that I ve had, as David Letterman puts it, inore fun than humans should be all-owed to have"? ("Tramp" is over. The folks loved it. -' .To r r rr . "This crowd ain't gonna let you leave. Sam seems about to do another number. He s marvelous. The crowd claps along vigorously to On That Great Come and Get It Day.'' I mean atl of them. Except ITrr! of course. I m writing this. House lights up. The camera sweeps the crowd. Hi, l4om.) Standing O #3. 3:53 am: Mavbe it's n !r but the entertainmenb Level seems to have sagged. The big exci tement r ight no\^ri s watching Jerry humiliate high school and college kids who are too nervous to make their on-camera presentaEions. 4:05 am: "The young people are always there. You can always count on em. -Jerry. 4:27 am: Don t know r,vhos coming nexr, bui i am getrting i!.''iI'r ^-^r-^bIV hin fn fhe qfaoe sef annqrru r-;.^ a tsl-rrf rrr|J LU Lrls DLqyL rLL udii,9(-1E>b Li, Id,L !L wIa! PL\JUa be ' 'Krazy a rock or R&B act. The cre,r,'is rolling out the Ir'i :nale-qh:neri n:nelq, /-rn whinh Fhe Iichf inn nonnlp nr--' u! !qrryre Jrrqusu JorrE!J vrl \irr!u!r u!!L !r\JrlLJ-ll9 VtiLrIJf t: PLAy ^--- ^1^ ^*^!^ I-,rcty-\JIU 5PUL5 arrin theLrrc miqanorehensionlLLroqvl that this is the Summer of Love. I just have time to race to the commissary and down some fudge, after which I feel good and lively for abouc 40 seconds. 4:30 am: I was c10se on the act. It's the Annete Thomas joins and Charles May Ensemble, a gospel choir. Jerry them' 'I'm mugging along as they sing B1essed." This is pretty funny, but part of me wonders if it isn't inappropriate. Another part of me real-izes that I'm not in the best ^^cifinn Iriaht rYrI making value judgenents. Anylvay, PU5rLrVrr now to be the choir is qreat. A longtime follower of the telethon told me earlier tonigrt (or was it last month?) that 'Jerty always scheduLes something to shake things up around four AM. Like Charo," he added, which gave me pause. But the choir is terrific-heartfelt, rousing' fervent. Just what the doctor ordered. They are tearing it up, and at 4:30 in the morning! Amen. 4249 am: "One of the moSt Sought-af ter musical acts in ,- "Carter our business, Jerry says. and Chenelle. Unless I ve misunderscood, this act is short one person. There 'Tomortow seems to be but one guy singing down there. No one Seems to know quice what to make of this. God, he looks lonely. Hold it. Here comes Chenelle. And not a moment too soon. I was afraid I was going to get all the way through -hinn "somewhere Out Fl"i-Lll!J tlrtlrY r.zifhorrrw! Lrrvu hearino' -"Y a duet of There. I have a feeiing ihings aren t going well. Jerry doesn't iook live j-y . Jerr'1 looks iike I f eei. It s very rrrri ef i n here - exr:eniur\ of COurSe ior Carter and Chenel-le. Yulcu lrr t johnny carter seems io have studied up some on Mathis. Chenelle's musical anF,eceden-'s are not immediately apparent. Maybe they're a great act, i don't know. I m remembering a time when I was a boy growing up in Philadelphia. IL was a caring then, and a sharing and a giving. My parents were always there for ro!r and they were marvelous. I know you re reading this, Mom and Dad. You re fabulous. Don't ever chanqe. 5zL2 am: "Our very own Ed McMahonhas been hosting an important series caIled'Star Seatcn,' Jerry says. Apparently since I've been out of touch these last L2 hours aII existing TV shows have been upgraded. Please adjust ''Masterpiece ''UnbelievabIy your records: Theatre'' is now ' "The crucial viewilg, and MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour" is 'A ,- now matter of iife and death. 5:15 am: A cutaway. Audiences are no longer being -l "You tttc,lluam=n.l=l-ari Lur r !yrr vJarrnl 9rEu orl vunrrf L . ve been a great audience' 'You Casey says winningly. have the kind of enthusiasm we need at this hour. Please stay another hour and be our guests." Ihe crowo oooohs appreciatively. Would the iact Lhat it's FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNINGhave anything to do wiLh this, Case? Oh, I m sorry. But interesting: even Vegas apparently has its t j-mits. I m a littie disappointed to f ind this out, I have to admi-t. There's no ionger that graduation night camaraderie among the audience members. The ones rvho are Leaving leave qurckly, and the ones who are staying sit quietly. I fi-nd - ' t t c i rtrym v qJgMlrlrl^rrrY e l f f h i n k i n o !vrrurJF n n r i l . r o f ihe o i r l q rvho risked t h e i r iives to sneak me in the cookies and milk, a Iifetime ago. I have.o admic 1'm a bit surprised at how welt I'm holding up. This reminds of the only all-nighter I ever pulled in college, during which my roommate and I tried to cram an entire Semester's worth of Greek history into one night. The difference, of course, was that that night was more fun than this one. A few rows down from me MDA National Youth chairman ' 'The ch r i s i-ooher Atkins , whose last memorable movie was Blue Lagocn, is sign j-ng autographs . People are awfulJ-y kind. 5:29 am: I think I lost my keys 1+A 5:30 am: Jerry gets Standing O 1?:. Torrrr l-h:nkq. F'rr-ii Film 5:41 am: u L L L j urrqrrr\ in a zany Japanese dialect. 6:24 am: It may be light outside. I just don't know. My second wind i-s gone . I f eel- like I'd have to get better to dio T nrr{- my head down and close my eyes. I doze. 6:27 am: Frrvo. 1 wake with a start. Ed s back. He ^^L^ - di--^,ti n^ r\ +A g L> d. SLo.rlurrrv v t tlu. 6:30 am: Jerry gets Standing O #7- That's actually many fewer than I figured there'd be by this time. What planet do these people come from? Don t they know what time it is? 6:31 am: Jerry: Many people tel-l you the age of the romantic crooner is ,iead. Not as long as this man is in demand-Mr. Don Cherry! I perk up for a second, thinking it's the )azz cornet l-st :.nd pocket trumpeter, although I can i for the life of me imagine why Jerry would introduce him as a "romantic croonet. (Doesn't throw me, though. One advantage of bel-ng this tired is that you can laugh at "Two cognitive dissonance. contradictory ideas?" your ,- " weary rnj-ndsays . iley, come on in, the water's f ine ! ) "You No, this Don cherry is a lounge singer who belts out ' Always Hurt the One You Love and then introduces "Proud something called to Be an American,- by ncting that rt s very s*Y..*-inniFinrnf The long dark night is not over. 6 z48 am: The l,larauding Miners are on stage, a bunch of guys who . unm it's a novelty act. They lip-synch ' "16 Tons white they My descriptive powers fail me. You had to be there. 6:50 am: On tape, it's Barbara MandreLl, my nominee for "We're most unctuous performer on the planet: so excited tonight because we re being allowed to be a tiny, tiny part of the most super marvelous important telethon 7:30 am: Standing O #7 . They seem to pick up in frequency as the morning goes on. The Young Americans are back, introduceO by Jerry as young' energetic American ' 'we perf orme rs. It's a tap routi-ne this time. gonna lay ' some on yal the i5-ishrwhiterhead tapper cries. I m i - : r F a r . , , ^ n d g g . lu r e ry\Jrr\J r o n 6 fLlls he uqPaLrc A n r n i Ly LvL 4v I dOn't knOW. Maybe thg Young Americans are the kind of act that is fully appreciated on eight hours' sleep. or four. or even one. 1:39 am: Jerry s reaLly dragging. He heaves a heavy sigh before introducing a corporate Sponsor ' anC what few smiles chere are are verv thi-n. i :43 am: Three ti-ny kids in in black-and-white f ringed coivboy outfits are onstage waiting to be introduced. I have a very bad feeling about this. Nathan, Ltz and Sarah' "known " Jerry says, as Kentucky Country! They play something bluegrassy. Now they're joined by a fourth kid, extraoriinarilV tiny. He can t be more than four. The other three clog dance. God, how I hate kid acts. Oh, forgive me, Kentucky Country, I'm not a bad guy when I've slept. Standing O #8. "strike 8:I0 am: Jerrv conducts the orchestra in Up the tsand." Standinq O #9. B:30 am: Jerrv comes back from the break to S.O. #I0. B:45 am: On tape, the Charlie Daniels Volunteer Jam does "Gimme Three Steps." This is a great song to drink Jack Daniel's to and maybe go bust up a honkytonk or something, but at B:45 in the morning my tastes run more to the "Captain Kangaroo theme. I thi-nk I'm getting nitrogen narcosis. B:58 am: An unbelievably tiny kid Erom Star Search sings "Over the Rainbow." If I count righc, Judy Garland had been dead L2 vears when this child was born. I wish I could find something kind to say about this kid. I wish I couid find my keys. BuL I'm so tired. Standing O #If for -l L ^ ^ ; , r n . i L h e p ino f o ve!rLhel e , , z e -llg !!LUaEI if f YrLo i : rI. I drlt ucY!LlrrrrrY Lv C h a t the uuLr-rrrren-rr !grruy v!nF tLrlg - h e Juq:iu!L.YS l - a n ai n o Ov l-aqlrqJ hvLLlr c e n n c r . i I n l r q r,z r-ircancneCi in chis country. Another sono, ,tnother S.O. (#LZ1 's It hard to l,ei L f rorn up nere what s on Jer ry's mind. I do knorv that with six hours to go he has not yet tried to set his nose on iire :'rich a cigarette lighter, or run "OH across the stage 3n the sides of his feet screaming LAAADY WAI\IV\ITl, ! , two bits which never fail to crack me up. Does this mean he's saving them rrn?q-tl' Or f h a f h e ' S tOO tired? I don't know. This much I do know: Jerry is considered a genius in France. 9224 am: The people coming in now make me sick. I want to punch each and every one of thern. I can tell, they think slept Iast night. thevLrrEJ reLL bette. rhan me J..--iusl- because they I'd get up and tell them about what I did for love, if cnly T nnrr'l d nefr- - -.-rm\r I eoq, f r: .'.-movF' J. I m U"ttit'g on a 9:30 Standing o f rom this crowd. They're just the kind of cro\.^7dthat would spring to their feet without even thinking. They re so . rested. "Good 9:3I am: Yep. #f 3. af ternoon to you in New York," Jerry says. 9:35 am: Barbara Mandrell again. she tells the crowd tnat I aom.l-reand respectL and-- I love1 ^--^ thatLL^! man so^^ much.-rrn].r 9:52 am: "This is the kind of entertainment you can t " ger anywhere else, Jerry says in incroducing Bobby ' Berosini and his Orangutans. Is this what Jerry Weinberg was talking about yesterday? Apparently. It's a great act. t-ries TherrrE or^norvL qrrY tans orab Bobbv's butt . He to slap them, but they slap him firsc. He shoots one with a toy gun and it falls down. The bigger oi the iwo belches and grunts and belches. Thi-s sure would be cool if it weren t i0:00 in the -' 'Something morning. Bobby's a Iitrie ccnfused, apparentty L^ llE >AlJ' nrr\ this from a guy npw for fvolr -* here tonioht, "^d who's been outdoors recenrLy. what hope is there for me? l0:30 am: S.O. #f4. 10:3I am: Jerry brings out Fly By Night' two jugglers/unicyclists. Jerry looks on impassively' Iike the Godfather. My mind is an utter, peaceful blank-none of that nasty buzzing and itching behind the eyballs, that hundred- million-fire-ants-crawling-on-my-brain-stem feeling I get when I try to stay up a mere, oh,20 hours or so. F'rzorrr i-h inn i c. . so beautiful. ll: 13 am: Th orr ve started turning the audience out at -" ! - ^^^ ; -u Ldwd,y 5 d.9ar n Keep watchi-frg, Ed tells the departing crowd. 11:18 am: Did somebody turn on a fog machine in here? There s a nice hazy nimbus!i!! over everyching. It s really quite Iovely. LLz20 am: A telethon brainteaser: Is it my headache that s keeping me awake? Or is it sleeplessness that s causing my headache? Either wdlr I'n grateful. ll:30 am: A shocker: Standinq O #15 fails to materialize among at least half the audience. CatI this one Stanoing O #L4 and a half. lI:52 am: The toteboard :urns over to 322,301,614. " " Yeahl " Jerry cries. "Go, and do ! Wich the ching ! "The Ll:53 am: Casev: #f record this week is, of 'La course/ Bamba.' Jerry scarts cabbling in nock (naniqh- ^;--^^ JPalrrJlr. Caqe"UqJsy CtlLlllLf It's at times like these that I miss the Merv Griffin Show so much. The crowd applauds. Charo shrieks in response-not a musical Cr!r but a full-throated bloodcurdling screech' like this: AAAAIIIEEEEII!" Back home in New York a sound Iike this would bring armed poiice response Iiieraily within hours. The questi-on cf charo's accent vis-a-vis the amount of time she has spent in this country-which I belie'ze to be no less than two decades-is too fat a pitch to be swung at by someone who is as tired as I am. ' 'La j-s Well / we re cookin' now. Charo singing, Y !s, " Bamba, and Jerry is snriekir,g along in mock Spanish ';rhich "OHH, I believe is pidgin for LAAADYWtuU\IiITT! ! L2z3l- pm: Hov; can you ncr go ouc cookLT,',' Jerry asks ' 'when r h p f nri r-: I I rr. vorj 1 1 r a q , e n i : o l e s f l - i k g thiS n e x t L ITELVL f Uqf,f,J t J"* ' vcluncrvqr.:, I adv-Miss LoIa Fal-ana ! To some sor t of big-beat -I -'hat pseudo-gospei rning, LoIa sugges;s everybody put ' ' your hands together, and everybody does. In Vegas this phrase carries the same persuasive power as a New Jersey cement contractor s suggestion that you might like to consider buying his product. Many hundreds of hands clap. LoIa works the frinqes of the crowd Iike a Southern Democrat. I am desperately afraid she's about to come up into the audience. She suggests that everybody get up. Everybody gets up. This is creepy-sorc oi like Nuremberg wiLh a backbeat. why didn't people respond this way r-o the real gospel number a few hours ago? Standing O #f6 and a half. I wrote that last sentence before the song was actually over. I wasn t wrong. Now Lola's bumping through "New Attj-tude." This is Vegas. This makes Charo's act Iook downright innocent (which, in a way, I guess it is). "That's Standing O #L7 and a half. Jerry: show people for \t^l I I:02 pm: Hulk Hogan enters to a staggeringly loud ovation. "I think it's pretty iovely that this giant is here," Jerry says. The Hulkster tells an incomprehensible story about working out this morning at the hotel. I'm reasonably sure it would be incomprehensible even with Some sreep. 'nrtro I . qq nm. .,ni-^ h-- ^^r-^; mo:ni nc Tho -atf a rra-\pq _Y^.,.- rme nas uedseu co .LlLqr.: :]Y . over Iast year s total, to #34, L03,87 4 . Jer ry cr ies . Standing O #314. 2:07 pm: Jerry and Ed' rvith five minutes to fil1, are qinninrr q6\mo LrlLLr,inrl (JL^F sPeUrd-LLyi:r!-- number. I can barely make out the words. One line goes: lou re one oL...r' mrr F:rrnr i fe fellas/You re swell and you re nifty and nice 2:L5 pm: It s [he last cutaway. I never thought I'd live to see the last cutaway. I m so happy I could weep. Please don t get me wrong: it is great work--^--t- theyLL^. ve done here. But it is not designed to be seen in one big gulp. What have I done? And can I possibly sleep enough:rours to make up for it between now and tomorrow morning, wnen my plane leaves for New York? 2;3L pm: Sam Fashion Update: a tux wi-th loosened bowtie. To be this big a cog in this machine, he says, this "What love happening Now he's singing Kind of ' Fool Am I?' This sure is a blockbuster final segment. I wish I could be here ior it. Yet another Standing O. Sam: I tell you this from my heart and my gut: I have never sung that song with more emotion that right now' because of "Yeaht " this occasion. " Jerry: 2245 pm: Now there's a mad rush of CEOs to get their donati-ons on the air bef ore 3: 15. $5 million f rom the firefi.ghters, $4.5 million from Southland. Hugs all around. 3:04 pm: A duet, Jerry ano Sammydoing surefire ' "April "Swanee, " crowdpleasers: Manmy' Showetsr Rock a Bye Your Baby. I can no longer be pleased. I have lost the capacity for pieasure. 22 straight hours cf Vegas will do that to you. I mean no disrespect to these marvelous entertainers, but I m so tired. And I sense another Standinq O cominq on. "It's 3:14 pm: Jerry sits aione at center stage. been a ' c:\/c A nn^'i -l:tr a nnal l-'- tr^r --^ . my God, what a good day for mankind"' He's singing "You'll- Never walk Alone. The big, the final standing -.Cc-d(e-z Ovation, and he's gone. a)ik6-of rent-a-cops Iines the stage. I'm going to bed.