I STAYED up with JERRY September 1987 by Bill Barol I'm No
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I STAYED UP WITH JERRY September 1987 by Bill Barol I’m no lawyer, but: Copyright in this unedited version of a story published in Newsweek, September 21, 1987, almost cer- tainly rests with Newsweek. This version is reprinted here by permission, which I will certainly get around to securing as soon as I can, and registered with the Writers Guild of America, January 2008. LAS VEGAS' Septembet 6, 5:50 Pl4PD!: rhrs year r a's ]-n r ^-..: ^ r ^l^^- n-., years past, the slogans of the Jerr y IJEWI> LICI.IJTJ L LJO,Y ' ' Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy are q | . r, Up With Jerry and Watch the Stars Come Out'' and "Miss a Little and You Miss a Lot.,- AII right, then. This year I intend to stay up with Jerry through the telethon' s entir e 2L and a half hours, missing not one minute. My p1an, a kind of Vegas anthropology, is to study the telethon from close up, considering it as a very particular kind of show business phenomenon. It's not my intention to make light of the cause, which is deadly serious; the Muscular Dystrophy Assoc.ation, which is beyond reproach; or the telethon's fundraising record-a staggering s404 nrillion over 22 years. It s the show itself r m fascinateC with. Mix pathos and bathos, fold in the cloying clubbiness of old-time show b:-z, add a few stars and a bunch of hacks and retreads, season with fatigue over a cruelly extended period and you have the telethon-a one-of-a-kind show business event, the kind of event that could only happen right here in Las Vegas. Lewis moved the show out of New York in L973, according to Telethon Coordinator Jerry Weinberg, because the TV business had largely moved from the East to the West Coast. Why didn't they take it to Los "LA Angeles, then? is TV and movies," Weinberg says. Las Veqas is Entertainment. i can almost hear him capitalize the E Nerzer having been to Las Vegas before, I wasn't sure urhaf ir a1.nF/-F : discrvered : ighl-- avray --hat Vegas is not the kind of town that sits back and waits for you to form an opinion of ii. Vegas meets you at the plane, gives you a "I wedgie and screams LOVE THIS GUY, LET'S HAVE SOI\48 FUN." On the way in from the airport I passed the Las Vegas Museumof Natural Historyr whose two-story billboard "DINO-MIGHT, banners featuring T-Rex and Triceratops LIVE." I drove past the Fabulous Pharmacy. The street signs tell you where you are by hotel names-just past the corner of Las Vegas Blvd. and Dunes-Flamingo I turned lefi into Caesar's Palace, home to the telethon since L982. "Now go straight through the slot s," the desk clerk told me, past Cleopatra s Barge-that's the big boat in the water-turn left in the Olvmpic Casino and take the elevator by the seven-foot statue of Joe Loui s. My room, I discovered when I got there two and a half hours 1ater, had an octagonal tiied bathtub and mirrors over the bed. The plastic sign hanging from the door reads "Do Not Disturbus. It occurred to me as I unpacked that the telethon could logically be held in no other place on eartn. 'm I have spent many hours preparing for what I about to do. On the plane trip out from New York I read l{is Walr r r r n f l Kiffv Kcllev's S i n : f . : hp iL n J - q i - : r ' i nr: r\ r u L I , a n d hard a t the picture of Frank, Sammy, Dean, Peter and Joey in Ocean s ll, silentiy sounding out Rat Pack slang to myself: the Big Casino is death, and Dullsvilie, Ohio is anywhere but Vegas. Last night I crossed the srreeL to the Imperial Palace and caught the early shorv of "Legends, an impersonators revue, singing Iustily along with EIvis impersonator Tony Roi and the cast in their finale of "Viva Las Vegas. " Before I lef t my room a few minutes I drank two pots of room service coffee. The burger with onions may have been a bad idea. Never mind Ithinklmready. The PA just announced that there are 10 minutes to arr. The 25,000-sq.-ft. Sports Pavilion is filling up; the Iast few guests, many of them in black tie, are being shown to their seats by white-uniformed midshipmen from the Merchant Marine Academy. The tote board reads S34,096,773-Iast year s total. Now a crowd of dancers j-n multi-colored rain slickers files on stage. Two minutes to go. Reality Check: I can see a sliver of bright sunlight through the open fire doors. A stagehand swings them shut and we re in the dark. The dancers twirl their umbrellas nervously as the I0- second countdown beqins. ^l-.^-e 6:00 pm: Airtime. The girls-I have learned in rlty Jrlu! L '- time here that female sinqers and dancers are ni rl <' "Dooby-doop-do. "qi ' begin to chirp " It is '^i '"' in the Rain," for no apparent reason. House fights up full. A lot of applause. a nd oen I I emen LAO I ES Y-..":v1.l9lr, , che PA anncuncer says, for nh rn\/ Cnrj the next 2L and a hal-f hours . vlr ltl) UvU. H E T E S the man who started it ali, the national chairman of the Muscular Dystrophy Associatron-Mr. Jerry of anrlinn .rrr:iinn il-r^h Lew]-s! Jer Lfr\7 LrruLLJAnrprq Ta)Lv c12 >LO. lILrf lrlj \JVd,LI\Jtlt LtlEll introduces some very special peopl e, Casey Kasem enrers in a show-biz trot, and thanks Jerry for allowing him to participate. Jerry introduces Julius LaRosar probably the best singer who ever lived, but I'm prejudiced because he's my dear iriend." Julius runs out in a show-biz trot, and thanks Jerry for allowing him to participace. Jerry introduces SammyDavis Jr., "who will always be here for whatever I need him to do, and tonight that's let me love ' "This him. Sammy: year, man, is gonna be the best. I Iove you. We re cooking now. Jerry brings out Ed McMahon, "fhe oiant who has stood beside ft!, a marvelous fotce. Ed kisses Jerry. "{ou ready to go?'he asks. "Let's do it. Jerry asks ihat the toteboard be wiped clean, and it "My " resets to S0,000,000. God it's a long night, Jerry says. The audience/ most of whom will be leaving at l:L5, laugh appreciatively. I don t. 6:19 pm: Caesar s is described in a promotional film as ' 'the *^-'^ : '---t-nation srrL beautvveuuu )' .cJL ltlall > !Ittd,9 I showcased in a wonderland ' of excitement. 6:35 pm: We re going to try to entertain and inform you as best we can over the next 2I and a half hours, Jerry says. He keeps saying that. Has a whole half hour cf my young life not just slipped by? I'm starting to worry. F,.?7 nm. ,Tprrw inf rnrirrr-qg Miami SOund MaChine. The Iights go down and the crowd lets out an expectant Oooooh. But the group isn't here. it s on tape. The beginninqs of disgruntled mutter run through the audience, who sit silently in the darr and ',/atch on big video screens. I pause to consider the imp'icaticns of this: I could iust as easily be sitting in my room rigat now, soaking in the octagonal bathtub and eating Shrimp Louie and watching on TV. I decide to stj-ck around, but have to conf ess I feel a bit cheated. " 6:4L pm: "This gentleman is durable, Jerry says, "because he only does quality. And he only does quality because that's the way he thinks. And he's a super tal-ent. l4r. Paul Anka." Paul looks pretty good in a white suit and matching shoes and suntan the color of mahogany veneer. I'm ' ' n i t n ^ ' ' ''p1;.r.ry cinn h r r { - i.stgad rrvfrrlryh o o i n o hrrL e ' l l !! Jlll9 L)Ld,!Ld, \Jl-or rLjyyy !UVEf . n r r o I Uu L f ll it's a slowed-down version of "Put Your Head on my Shoulder." Paul is Looking more and more Iike Frank Sinatra as the years go by, right down to the hunched shoulder and the quick srimace and the hand moved in little circles Iike a chopper blade to convey world-weariness, ot resignation, or something. Now he s singing a specialty version of "My Way : When Jerry phoned/I swear I groaned ^^ -^^ rr"^^FF . //T L lrrm u7c)r;':wvLNfrr9 Lrlc i\ug\JsL/ zBrriuuL ucL!I,Terrv saidZ'Aiive or dead/So I'11 do it his way After he sings the line "I'd like to hear a thunderous hand," he shouts "Give im the hand I The applause s ign f l-ashes on . Applause . I thank you/uyyyy waiieee . SLandinq ovation. I feel like I ve had a very fast, very vigorous massage. 7:00 pm: Back from a break a mj-nute or two early, the crew is caught cn-camera sec F-i-ng up some stage gear . Jerry abuses them ior a minute, which is pretcy funny. Novr he's "There coming up into the audience with a bucket.