>> Good day. You're listening to Ability Radio. I am one of your hosts, Amelia Headley LaMont, executive director of the Disability Rights Center, and we are working today on a theme that involves children, and we are so privileged to have two very special guests who are visiting our fair shores by the name of Eddie Murphy and Katherine Murphy, both of whom had worked several years ago as cottage parents at what was or still is, thankfully, the Queen Louise Home for Children. So, good day to both of you.
>> Good day, Amelia. Thanks for inviting us.
>> Well, welcome.
>> It's an honor.
>> It's such a wonderful thing to see you, and I'm most interested in hearing about, you know, your experience. First of all, tell us a little bit about yourself and how you came to here.
>> Sure. Well, we're just tickled, first off, to be on St. Croix after 32 years. Back and seeing the island, wonderful people and scene and climate. Yeah, but we were a young married couple in the early '80s that really were interested in doing some good work. We weren't too locked up in our careers at that point. We were without kids, which also helped us to have some freedom to respond to an opportunity to do some volunteer work.
>> Right. And by the way, we're from Portland, Oregon. We lived there for 26-27 years, and that time, we were living in Los Angeles. That was 1985 when we came to St. Croix, and as Eddie said, we had been married a couple years. And in those days, the Queen Louise Home was looking for kind of like a mother and father figure type thing, and, you know, to kind of head these cottages of the kids, and they were looking for married couples.
>> The ideal couple, married candidate.
>> Ideal, yeah.
>> Who could commit to a year-and-a-half, basically what was volunteer work, because there was no pay involved.
>> And we lived at the home, too.
>> Lived at the home.
>> At the Queen Louise Home. They have a different model now that we've learned, more AmeriCorps-staffed people working shifts. And so, I mean, ideally, you wanted those couples to come from St. Croix or nearby, and I just think it was a hard thing to find enough people from the population base that could do that, so they were opening it up to any American couple who would like to do such a thing.
>> Right. A good friend of ours has moved here to St. Croix and worked as a teacher at the high school. At that time, we stayed in contact with him, and he got involved with helping at the home just through whatever channels and friends he had here, and then really suggested it and planted the seed in our minds to take this opportunity and to apply to the Queen Louise Cottage Home to be cottage parents. >> So, you applied from the West Coast.
>> We applied from the West Coast; yeah. >> Yeah. And then the director of the home came all the way out to L.A. to interview us. We were very flattered, actually. I mean, it also turned out that she had several different couples all throughout the country, so she did this whole sort of interviewing trip. And, yeah, it worked out, and we did this. And, of course, we were young and we wanted to do something good, and we also wanted to have kids someday, and we weren't ready yet, and we thought, shoot, we might as well get some practice in.
>> Practice we got.
>> And, boy, did we get a lot of practice.
>> Yeah. I mean, we're both from large families with a lot of younger siblings, so, you know, was in our --
>> DNA, so to speak.
>> DNA and our person hood to know what it was to have little kids that we were responsible for, you know, worked with. And we also both worked in camp counseling positions in our late teens, and even at the time you were --
>> I was an assistant director of an after-school daycare, kind of working my way through college.
>> In Santa Monica.
>> It was better than flipping burgers. You know, it was a lot of better, so I had a lot of confidence that --
>> We had a few things to put on our interview, you know, questionnaire.
>> Yeah. Yeah. And, also, we're both from, like Eddie said, big families. But they happen to be big catholic families, and I'm not saying that you have to be Catholic to believe that service is important but that was always part of our upbringing and our faith, that service was important, so that was something that a lot of our friends were doing.
>> We had people we really admired and were going off to all corners of the world to do service work, and we just felt like we can do this too. And opportunity just presented itself, and it looked good to us.
>> Now old were you, roughly?
>> We were 23.
>> 23.
>> Yeah.
>> We had been married two years.
>> Right.
>> And we were, you know. >> We wanted to try something different, a little adventurous.
>> And St. Croix, I remember just thinking St. Croix, once I kind of knew this was going to happen, I was looking everything up I could on St. Croix. It looked so beautiful, and it was just this dream of living there. >> Right. And one of the things about St. Croix that, for me personally, attracted me was that I knew that there were a lot of people who spoke Spanish here because it was so close to Puerto Rico, and my background, my mother is a hundred percent -- I mean she was born in Los Angeles, but she's a hundred percent Mexican blood, and there was a lot of Spanish growing up. And although she didn't really speak it to us, like, you know, that much growing up, it was always around us at our grandmother's house, and it was a good opportunity to practice it and get better at it, you know, because it turned out that a few of the kids did not speak English. They were coming kind of pretty straight from Puerto Rican families that I think were pretty close. They had come recently from the kids.
>> Okay.
>> So that was a really good opportunity to practice Spanish without embarrassing myself the way I would for -- you know, and, also, I think, without offending anybody. And, actually, throwing it in, anybody who's spent time on St. Croix knows there's Crucian dialect is English for sure, but it's very different, some of the sound patterns and the vocabulary, and I was studying linguistics and I cannot help but just -- I'm like a sponge when I'm around a different language of accent or dialect. And so, working with the kid is really fun because I could practice Crucian with them, and I didn't have to worry about offending them, you know, so, anyway that was a benefit.
>> Two Crucians talking together.
>> Oh, my goodness.
>> It can be pretty --
>> What did you learn when you, you know, I mean you're new to the culture, what were some things that, you know, resonates with you?
>> Really basic super important things that were not told to us directly.
>> Social etiquette was really important that you had in place to get along. You know, we came in with, you know, the basic idea that let's say for instance you walked into a room and there's two people in the corner of the room having a conversation. In our polite mind, you don't say anything, you sneak in, you sneak out.
>> You leave them alone and give them privacy.
>> But what we found out was, no, you say good morning, you say good afternoon
>> Be nice.
>> And this is very important place to start your social interaction at any moment, whether it's at the store or at the doctor's office or the work environment. We got that. It took us a while to figure that out, but eventually, we kind of got that. >> It was kind of magic. It opened doors for us. All of a sudden, we're like, oh, my God, oh, my God, if you say good morning, everybody smiles at you and they treat you like -- you know, so that was one thing.
>> They weren't rude.
>> And also, just like I think we were from California, and the way you dress is very casual, and you had to be just, I think, more modest about the way you dressed here. Like, you know, this is like everywhere is a beach. People could think that way, and you don't just wear short-shorts or walk around in your bathing suit the way you might on Santa Monica beach, you know.
>> Right.
>> So that was really important for us to learn; that that could be really offensive to people in ways that you never thought, you know, so there is a few basic things like that. I remember one of the things that was really frustrating was that people would speak to us, and before we were used to their accents. Sometime you really didn't understand them, because there were some key things you just didn't get, and you would be 110 percent concentration is what you're saying, but I still, oh, my God, can't get it. And they might turn to me and say, "What's the matter, you can't speak English?" So, anyway, that was challenging, you know. I think we thought we were in the U.S., and so we didn't have to worry about cultural differences. But I think you do if you've lived -- anyway, we were young. We had a lot to learn.
>> Yeah. Give us an example. What were some of the things you did? What was the day in the life of a house parent?
>> Yeah, good.
>> Right. Well, since we lived in a little apartment off to the side of the main not cottage, where the kids' rooms were in the little kitchen and living room, we would get them up in the morning, get them all cleaned up, feed them breakfast. You know, we dealt with many a pee-drenched bed in the morning. A project in its own right.
>> Right.
>> Got them all washed and ready for breakfast and then packed up and off on the school bus to school.
>> They had chores.
>> They had chores to do. And the littler ones that stayed back would go to kind of an in- house preschool that was also -- we would volunteer and assist in. They had a regular staff person that headed that, but we would fill in as assistants, takes turns. And then we might do maintenance duties. We might repair roofs. We might mow lawns. We might go out to pick up donations for the thrift shop they operated at this time.
>> Or the island dairy.
>> The island dairy.
>> Where you pick up milk.
>> Milk and ice cream, uh-huh. We might be involved with fixing something. >> There might be errands to run.
>> I was pretty handy, so I got in on some mechanical repairs and carpentry needs at the time.
>> Yeah. Eddie was very handy.
>> Right.
>> You actually made some cabinets for each of the cottages.
>> I did. I did. I got to apply some of my skills in that regard. And then when they got back from school, they would come in, have a snack, and then the kids would go out, and some of the permanent staff workers would mind them under the tree.
>> Yeah, under-the-tree time.
>> which is where they play and hang out. And during that time, one by one, we would take each child up and help them on their homework or some project that they were involved with.
>> Yeah.
>> Or reading if they were younger.
>> Yeah, if they were younger, or if they didn't have homework or finished it really fast -- there was a certain amount of time allotted for each kid -- we might work on some special-interest thing.
>> Right.
>> The little one, we kind of do puzzles and developmentally appropriate-type things.
>> Yeah. And then I think about that time, they would come back in and clean up for dinner, which was prepared in the main kitchen and brought up on a little cart. So, they would all come in, we'd have them wash their hands and clean up, and then they would sit down, and we'd have dinner.
>> Yeah. And then we'd have chores after dinner.
>> Chores after dinner.
>> And then they'd have play time.
>> Play time, they'd go ride bicycles or puzzles, whatever, they had a little bit of free time. Come back in and they would --
>> Get in the bathtub, yeah.
>> We'd get them bedtime ready, and they'd get in their pajamas and cleaned up and bathed, and we'd do some circle time, some songs.
>> We'd do God bless. I think it was called God bless. And I think, of course, it's the Lutheran Social Services, but, actually, when we applied, they asked questions about your faith background, and they wanted that, and, in fact, all the other cottage parents, and most of the local workers, were people of faith. They were Christian faiths mostly.
>> Okay.
>> Let's not forget that we took them to church on Sunday.
>> Oh, yeah, we're going to come back to that. We're going to come back to that. You're listening to Ability Radio. We're going to take a short break. We'll be right back.
>> You're listening to Ability Radio. We are joined today by Eddie Murphy and Katherine Murphy, former cottage parents at the Queen Louise Home on St. Croix. Before we broke, you talked about a typical day in the life of a cottage parent. One thing I was impressed with was, it seemed like a lot of time between coming home from school and going to bed. How many hours are we talking? It sounded like quite a bit of work.
>> Well, it was a full day.
>> Yeah.
>> We did a two-hour lunch break.
>> Okay.
>> It was actually three, I think.
>> Was it three?
>> Yes.
>> Yes. Well, maybe two-and-a-half, let's just say.
>> Okay.
>> So, they got home at 3:00, and then they go to bed at 8:00. It was a long day, though, you know, working with the kids.
>> Oh, yeah. And, again, our little apartment was right there next to the cottage.
>> So, yeah, we lived there.
>> We didn't go anywhere.
>> Okay.
>> I guess it's interesting, because I think it's a lot different now with AmeriCorps. We'd have three days on, two day off. And then in the Frederiksted there was an apartment, and we called it the retreat.
>> It was a little apartment on New Street. >> On New Street, exactly. It was great. It had everything we needed. And we would rotate. Our schedules would rotate. So, when somebody was on the other was off. But, anyway, three on, two off, three on, two off, four days off, one day off, four days on, and then you started over again.
>> Right.
>>Four, one, four, two.
>> Three cottages, A, B, and C, and with full staff, there would be a permanent couple in each of those A, B, and C cottage, then there would be the relief couple, who are generally the last ones in, the last hired, who were knew and were kind of learning the ropes. And they would relieve the different A, B, and C couples who would go into and stay at the apartment or the retreat in Frederiksted.
>> Yeah. And it was also in partnership with local workers who -- you know, we were in charge of cleaning, you know, after ourselves, but local workers would come in and mop the floors and make sure that everything was spic and span everything day, so that was something we didn't have to do, which was a big relief.
>> It was important.
>> So, they really made it so you had time to work with the kids, you know.
>> Right.
>> I don't know if I ever scrubbed a toilet the whole time I was there, which was really nice. Although, four times a year, we had to do the deep cleaning.
>> Oh, the deep cleaning.
>> Which was, like, clean the mold off the rafters.
>> Get up on ladders and clean mold off rafters and in the corners.
>> Yeah, you know.
>> It sounds like big fun.
>> Yeah. It's like, oh, here it is again.
>> So, you know, there was kind of this dual life we lived, where when we were on duty at the home, it was just from the moment we woke up, except for the two-and-a half/three-hour lunch break, I guess, we were on until we went to bed. And even after the last child went to bed, we were required to go in and journal and write a paragraph or two about each child and what their day was like --
>> Wow.
>> -- if anything special happened.
>> Busy day.
>> What they were working on in school. Every day, we had to keep a journal, so that was also the last piece of paperwork. And then we finally got to collapse. >> And then we got to collapse, if the kids did, indeed, go to sleep.
>> If they went to sleep.
>> If they stayed asleep.
>> Right. So that was a wild card, of course.
>> Yes. And, you know, the kids had their challenges, because their lives were not stable.
>> Right.
>> And you have kids, they had different ways of expressing that, and sometimes it was thrashing everything and turning the cottage upside down, and that was really challenging to deal with that. Some kids just would withdraw or be self-destructive.
>> I just couldn't imagine how it could be done without two people, because sometimes one cottage parent with left with the whole brood and there was one kid that needed full attention.
>> The extra attention.
>> And, you know, at that moment.
>> About how many children did you have to manage?
>> Right. So, I think it was between six and nine.
>> Okay.
>> So, I'd say it averages 7 or 8.
>> It felt like 12.
>> It felt like 12, yeah.
>> And what was the age range?
>> Yeah, they were between 3 and 12, but they had to be potty trained, so even if you were 3 --
>> Or so they say.
>> Or so they say, yeah.
>> They were happy to get them out of the nursery. Oh, this one's potty trained. Oh, great. No, they're not.
>> Yeah. And I just wanted to add that, you know, that partnership with the local workers, because you didn't always have the cottage parents. You didn't have a full contingency of them, and so there would be a lot of local workers very devoted who would sleep there and do the same things we were doing, you know. And sometimes you'd even find yourself -- I'd find myself working with one of them, because, for whatever reason, Eddie was gone, and, you know, someone would come in, so you really had to learn to work together. And if there wasn't a cottage couple, then they would choose different local workers to be a stand in for that. >> Right.
>> So there was a real partnership with local people.
>> I just want to go back quickly. I mentioned we lived this dual kind of life, and, obviously, the work at the home was very well intense. But when we were off duty, it was like every couple of weeks we had a honeymoon. We had an apartment and a little car, and we'd go down to Frederiksted stead and snorkel.
>> But no money.
>> No money.
>> No money.
>> But you can do a lot of nice things on St. Croix without money.
>> A lot of things on St. Croix.
>> Just in Frederiksted.
>> Read books, I mean, play music.
>> Yes.
>> Yeah.
>> So there was this extreme kind of parallel.
>> So, speaking of playing music, so we're both musicians, lifetime musicians, violinists and singers, and I had always loved singing. Sang at church choir. Sang at folk groups and things. But I was always dependent on somebody else play thing guitar for me, and I really hated that dependency, so I always wanted to learn play well. This was our entrée, because they had an old guitar that was pretty good at the home that nobody was using, so I kind of checked it out for the time there. And every time we went to the retreat, I was learning to play. And I learned to play during that 18 months, and played for kids every night, even when I was probably not great. But they didn't care. We got to sing, you know.
>> Yeah.
>> So, that was a big kind of -- what do you call it -- milestone for me, learning to play the guitar, and I've been playing it ever since. And that was one of the things we did a lot with the kids.
>> Music.
>> And at the home too, in general, when there were events, we would play.
>> Well, one of the things we had heard before, and I'd love to hear again, was something that you did with the children, called something about light my lamp.
>> Yeah. Give me oil in my lamp. >> Give me oil in my lamp. So that's part of the evening circle that you're talking about?
>> Yeah. And sometimes the whole home would be together.
>> Oh, all right.
>> It was established. We learned it here, although people from all over the place know it. But they had a really strong tradition of singing the song.
>> Yeah.
>> Cool, can we hear that?
>> Yeah, sure. We just happen to have our instruments right here.
>> An appendage; right?
>> Yeah. Okay, so it's Eddie on the fiddle and Katherine on the guitar. [Singing Give Me Oil in My Lamp]. >> Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning, burning, burning, burning. Give me oil in my lamp, I prey. Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning, burning, burning. Keep me burning 'til the break of day. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna to the king of kings. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna to the king. Give me love in my heart. Keep me loving, loving, loving. Keep me loving in my heart, I prey. Give me love in my heart. Keep me loving, loving, loving. Give me love 'til the break of day. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna to the king of kings. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna. Sing hosanna to the king.
>> All right, bravo. One of the things that I neglected to mention is that the Queen Louise Home Lutheran Social Services will be commemorating 115 years.
>> 115 years.
>> Of service to the citizens of the Virgin Islands, so it's, A, commendable.
>> Very.
>> It's a small part of a long wonderful tradition.
>> A tiny part.
>> Work.
>> Yeah.
>> But I did want to come back, because you mentioned going to church.
>> Oh, yes, going to church, yes. Lutheran Social Services. Well, we both come from Catholic backgrounds, so right off the bat, we thought, oh, we'll go to St. Patrick's and we'll be involved with catholic church and we'll do the Lutheran thing too, because part of our job was, if we happen to be on on a Sunday, was to dress all the kids up and bring them to the Lutheran church in Frederiksted. >> Yeah, that was three out of four weeks in general, because we were going to the Lutheran service, because we did get, like, one Sunday off a month. >> Okay.
>> Well, we soon figured out we couldn't straddle both communities, so we just became Lutherans for a year. We're pretty dang close, so it wasn't a problem.
>> Yeah. And, of course, those kids weren't necessarily coming from a Lutheran background where they had to sit for an hour-plus at a service, so it could be challenging, because they didn't necessarily want to sit still.
>> They were all kind of on display to the community of, like, a pride.
>> People were very proud of Queen Louise Home.
>> Very supportive.
>> But the children were the outward manifestation of it, so we really needed that, I'm sorry, you know, we needed that to look really nice. So, one of the things that did go on, though, because you have seven kids sitting in a pew --
>> Line them up in the front row.
>> Just imagine how tempting it is to not just sit there quietly. So, we were sometimes lucky enough to get special friends for the kids to sit with. So, little Johnny would sit with Mr. So- and-So over here, and they get the attention of the adult.
>> We approach a couple and say, you know, "Would you sit with Billy while we're busy?"
>> Okay.
>> They'd say, "Oh, yes." So, that kind of lightened our day.
>> And then it made it made it more special for the kids. Maybe there were just three or four kids left with us, and then they got more of our attention, which they usually liked. They wanted to get more of our attention,
>> You know, this magical 45 minutes where they went to their little Bible school -- >> Before service.
>> Before service. We get them there. We walk down to the waterfront.
>> The Strand street or whatever.
>> Get a cup of coffee.
>> Yes.
>> We had no responsibilities for about 20 minutes.
>> It's a seven-minute walk down, seven-minute walk back, 45 minutes.
>> Then we'd get back and go to the church service.
>> Yes. Yes. And it was a good community. They were very caring and very service oriented, the Lutheran Church and the Lutheran social setting. >> There was constantly somebody on the island or family or business that was reaching out and giving us opportunities to go on hikes or go to special events. So there really, I mean, the island really embraced Queen Louise Home. We saw that very clearly.
>> Well, I think when we spoke during, you know, break, it was an opportunity, how it's helpful when you have, say, a child who is in a bit of a crisis, and all you had to do -- it's kind of like holding up a badge, I'm from the Queen Louise Home, and I need your help.
>> Yeah.
>> Absolutely.
>> How did that work?
>> Can we tell a little bit about that?
>> Sure. Why not. You know, the anonymous.
>> I don't know how -- you would be on duty when -- you had more than one kid run away on you.
>> I had some kids that were having a tough day.
>> Right.
>> And when we were out in public, decided to run away.
>> Right.
>> Not you, but her.
>> No, I didn't say I ran away. One of the kids decided to run away on me while I had two other little kids in tow, so, I couldn't be chasing him. >> Sure.
>> She was a little upset, you know, 12-year-old somewhere. But as soon as I reached out to anybody, whether it was a store that one of the -- in this case, the child ran into a store and I was running over with two little kids. I said, excuse me, I'm from the Queen Louise Home, and one of my kids is having a tough day, and she steps out and ran into your store and is like, could you maybe find her, because I've got to stay here. So, then we'd call in backup from the home, and they'd send somebody.
>> They sent somebody who she happened to be close to at the office there.
>> Right.
>> But the person that you asked for help, they totally got it, that you were from Queen Louise home.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> They trusted that you were at your word and all these things. >> Yeah.
>> So that was really nice.
>> That was really nice.
>> Generally, I mean, sometimes there were some people sometimes you talk to on the island who didn't think that state titers should be taking care of island kids. And I sympathized with that. At the same time, there we were, you know.
>> They needed to fill the job. They needed to have people that could commit.
>> Yeah. Right.
>> An I think if there were other people from the island to do that, I would have been happy to give that up. But, anyway, so that's -- people are people. You know, not everybody agrees with everything.
>> That's right. I mean, that's just the nature of life, really. We're going to take another break. You're listening to Ability Radio. And let me mention that if you've mentioned any portion of today's show, it will be posted on our website, which is located at DRCVI.org, and we will have a transcript of this program as well. We'll be right back.
>> We are back. You're listening to Ability Radio. I'm one of your co-hosts, Amelia Headley LaMont of the Disability Rights Center in the Virgin Islands. And we are joined today by two former cottage parents with the Queen Louise Home for children, Eddie Murphy and, no, not that Eddie Murphy, and Katherine Murphy, who are presently living in Portland.
>> Portland, Oregon.
>> That's right, I've got to be clear. Tell us what you're doing now?
>> Oh, back in Portland?
>> Right. Right. Right.
>> Well, we moved there 26 years ago, having grown up and lived part of our adult life in Los Angeles, California, followed some other friend that had moved up there, and in the course of that, kind of implanted ourselves with a community of people around a particular church, a progressive Catholic Church in northeast Portland, Saint Andrews. Shout out to Saint Andrews in Portland.
>> But one of the things we had with a lot of people in that community is that they were former volunteers as well. And a lot of them went through the Jesuit Volunteer Corps or the Holy Cross, a little more Catholic.
>> Right.
>> Or at Peace Corps, you know. AmeriCorps came later, I think, because this is '92. But there was a lot the same kind of focus on service in this community. But, anyway, you have a business. >> I have a business, yes. I have a custom cabinet business in Portland, and so that's been basically my vocation my whole working career. It's the only thing I know how to do.
>> That's not true.
>> And then you've been a teacher.
>> Yeah. I do adult education, so I work at community college, and I've done mostly ESL, English as a second language, teaching to adults, over the last 25 years. And I also work with programs, credit programs that deal with non-traditional students, so students coming out of ESL programs who want to get a certificate in accounting or auto mechanics or something like that. Or people coming out of GED programs, people retraining because they have to change careers, for whatever reason, I offer extra support. Language support, reading skills, computer skills, navigation skills to help these people succeed, because a lot of times, those are the only things and the way of their success. They definitely are smart enough, so they need a little extra support, so that's what I've been doing. And I also I direct church choirs and different things like that. Also, I support Eddie's business.
>> And more important than that, we've raised two sons in Portland, one a 30-year-old who got married a year-and-a-half ago and is in living in Los Angeles. He went back.
>> He went back when we ran away from there.
>> That's right.
>> No, we love it.
>> And a 23-year-old who is doing fabulous, involved with graphic computer arts and design work in Portland.
>> Yes.
>> So, I remember you also mentioned you were talking about, you know, trying to keep track of our children, and there was a story -- I, first of all, want to get to the story of Argentina.
>> Yeah.
>> And I think there was a personal story as well.
>> Oh, you mean about the community rallying around?
>> Right.
>> Yeah.
>> You know, when a child is missing.
>> Yeah. Because we were talking and community and our community.
>> Oh, right, yeah. So, my sister married a man whose family is from Argentina. He is too, actually.
>> Yes, he is. >> And we were fortunate enough to go down and visit his family in Cordova. And we kind of found out there's tradition. So, let's say a little child gets lost at the beach or at the park or a mall or something, as soon as an adult realizes a child is lost, they're clearly crying and there's no one around, they will put the child up on a platform or table or somewhere they can be seen and they just start clapping and people know that you just start clapping so that the circle --
>> Growing circle.
>> A wave of clapping that goes out away from where the child is, and, ultimately, the person who lost the child will hear the clapping, look around, realize they don't have their kid or maybe they're desperately looking for their kid already, and follow the clapping back to where the child is, and it's just a beautiful, like, built-in community kind of agreement.
>> People don't even have to be close to where that child is. As soon as they hear the clapping they know. They might be in a conversation. They just start clapping while they're talking, because they want to add to that community, finding that child. That's their way of doing it, of reuniting that child with their parents.
>> Yeah. It's a beautiful thing.
>> Yeah. We love that.
>> Well, let's talk about what did we learn. You learned about that custom. What did you learn about living in the Virgin Islands? What did you take with you when you left?
>> Well, I think, first of all, we were 23, and we had a lot to learn. And we met each other really young, and we decided to get married pretty young because we got along so well and we knew we had a lot of growing up to do, and we might as well grow up together because we got along so well. So, going to St. Croix was part of that. And there were a lot of things we didn't understand about living in communities, especially in an institutional kind of -- like Eddie said earlier about the good morning and kind of how you dress and how you present yourself. But, also, just the nuts and bolts of, like --
>> Community living.
>> -- keeping things really clean. Sharing space. Showing respect for other people's, not just their beliefs but, like, their pet peeves, baa somebody's recoiled from hair in the sink. I don't care about hair in the sink, but I need to respect that. They do really care about that.
>> We were comfortable with being slobs, and what we considered was sufficiently, the next person was not. And we got it.
>> We were told in no uncertain terms --
>> We had our feet to the fire on that.
>> Yeah, we got off of our high horse a little bit about that.
>> Yeah.
>> But I think also living community, being able to give and accept help, to be able to be honest enough to admit that you need help; that was one of our problems. I think we were proud, too proud to be open to even people's offers for being social. Like, some of the other house parents, cottage parents, we actually knew some people on St. Croix, and so in our free time, we actually had some social things we could do, and so we felt like we didn't need other new friends like these people were kind of in the same boat with, and we kind of didn't realize how important that was going to be. These were going to be our colleagues every day.
>> Yeah.
>> And we didn't understand.
>> We didn't get that, the importance of that.
>> How important your day-to-day colleagues, your community members to, like, take every opportunity to connect with them. And like I said, that has to do with holding each other up when you're feeling strong and letting yourself -- the vulnerabilities show when it's appropriate, so, you know, you show that you're in the same boat. You're not always the one who has got it together, I guess. That's one of the things I think is important in living community, period, showing your vulnerability. So that's something we learned.
>> I agree.
>> We learned a lot about kids.
>> We learned a lot about kids.
>> What did you learn about kids?
>> Well, what happens when you're put in a position to take care of kids is that you fall on your own path of least resistance, which is probably the way your parents raised you. So, your reaction to discipline and to stress and to getting the job done is that you fall back on what you know. But, for most people, they never really have to have a check and a balance on that because it's in their own household, and it's just gets passed on from generation to generation.
Well, in an institutional setting, we're constantly monitored. We're asked to monitor ourselves. We're asked to reevaluate our own responses by journaling. There's a written code of policy of how you deal with situations. So, we were forced to maybe, I think personally for myself, break some of my own kind of like ingrained natural responses to child care. It was good. It was good for us.
>> It was really good to -- I mean, literally had our hands stayed, like you cannot hit this child. You cannot say mean things to this child. You cannot retaliate of whatever that, you know, not our best selves. We're not always our best selves, and so it was really good.
>> Yeah. My dad's response to being little brats was to go get the belt from his closet and threaten, you know. It's like, well that ain't gonna happen here, no way. You better find out a new way.
>> Right.
>> And we knew that going in. But it just, you know, your gut reaction, you know, fall back on your old.
>> Yeah. I think one of the challenges was that was correct for that to be the policy. But I think working with a few of the local worker, I think that people aren't necessarily coming -- from this society 30 years ago, we're not coming with that same philosophy of the best way to raise a child, you know. It might have been a little more old-fashioned.
>> Old school.
>> I think this the standards it seemed like inclusion culture it was -- how could I say it. It was very important to keep certain standards, and children kind of needed to be following the ruling too, and sometimes you had to force it a little bit, and sometimes I think people, their reaction was spare the rod, spoil the child a little bit. And nobody ever beat a child, that I saw. But there could be a little shaming sometimes in ways that they surprised me, and I didn't feel comfortable with it. At the same time, I knew I was going to leave in 18 months and this child was going to continue to live here. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that there was a line we had to walk that was tricky, you know, to try to incorporate whatever was best for whatever situation.
>> And you said these journals, I mean, what was done with them? Who read them? Was there a discussion?
>> The director of the home.
>> Okay.
>> The director of the home was reading them. It might have been a social worker.
>> They were kept on file, I suppose.
>> Yeah. Well, also, the care workers the local workers, when they were coming in, they were going to help with the house work, but then they were going to be responsible for the kids under the tree after school, so they were required to read them too.
>> Okay.
>> They needed to know about the kids' medical, behavioral, educational.
>> And the relief cottage came and relieved us and when he took our break.
>> Yeah.
>> It was also an opportunity to have them have a record.
>> If there was a particular issue that a child was going through, we needed to create some continuity for how we were managing it and helping the child in that situation.
>> Right.
>> So, we could clearly say this is what we did, this happened two days ago, and you should know that.
>> Yeah, there might have been some disciplinary thing, where a child was not supposed to do something or supposed to do something, and, of course, we wanted continuity with that.
>> Yeah.
>> You mentioned the tree. Now tell us about this tree. >> Oh, under the tree. Under the tree. You know, they actually were under the big tree.
>> They were under the big tree.
>> It's gone now.
>> I think if you look at the Lutheran Social Services, the VI --
>> Their logo.
>> -- their logo is a big tree with all the different people they help. Well, there was a big tree.
>> There was a big tree the kids played under.
>> The kids hung out, under the tree time.
>> Yeah. And we didn't have a lot to do with under the tree. That was a time where the kids had playtime with the care workers. And then we would go and get them one at a time to do their homework or do some kind of project. It was like a half an hour per kid, you know.
>> I just remember the girls getting their hair braided under the tree. And they had perfect skill.
>> Oh, my God, for hours sometimes, and they did a beautiful job on their hair.
>> It was amazing, just intricate braids (inaudible).
>> I know. And the boys would get their hair -- their hair was always beautiful. I think sometimes it was not the kids' first choice be sitting there.
>> No.
>> Okay.
>> They prefer to run around.
>> Yeah. But they always looked nice after coming back from the tree.
>> Sometimes I think those sessions is a way to communicate. I've heard that's another way to, you know, calm someone down or just have a conversation, you know?
>> It seems culturally that was really important to show that the kids were being well cared for.
>> Right.
>> In the hair.
>> Right.
>> And that was something we learned. >> Because it was a reflection on the people whose job it was.
>> How well they were dressed, and dressed well.
>> How they behaved. They looked good.
>> Definitely.
>> There's a pride in that.
>> Those kids had to sit still.
>> Yeah.
>> They had to mind their elders in order to look so good, so I think there was a lot communicate, and maybe more so for the home than other places. I'm not sure. But, actually, I wanted you do this -- well, the weekends were really nice in general.
>> We were just talking about it.
>> There's a little less structure than during the week, because there's no school.
>> Really, the best day was the Saturday morning, we would load up the van with beach towels and barbeque.
>> A Hibachi, change of clothes.
>> And the kids were put on their bathing suits, and we'd throw them all into the van and we'd head out to the east end or to Sandy Point, or one of those beaches where, you know, they could just be themselves and not have to worry about anything, and we were just -- I mean, that was really the key.
>> We'd always find a place that had lots of shallow, lots of shallow water. Like a lot of urchin.
>> Oh, they loved it.
>> They loved it. And they'd go all day. For a kid, you know, the moment is what they're steering to. It was a lovely, lovely time. You eat when you're hungry.
>> When you get back, they're all just completely worn out, and they all just go right to bed.
>> Oh, I remember sometimes, too, when we possibly were more worn out than the kids. I think this was your idea. You ran ahead and you change it had clock. He put the clock ahead a couple hours. Okay. Don't tell the kids. I'm like, oh, my goodness, look how late it is.
>> Look it, it's time for bed.
>> Look, it's still light out. I don't know what happened.
>> [Inaudible] time.
>> Yes, I think one or two times we did that.
>> That's funny. >> Yeah, sometimes there were little tricks like every once in a while, we would get donations for the home. Everybody was so big hearted, but sometimes the donations --
>> Weren't well thought out.
>> They weren't well thought out for a cottage with eight or nine kids. So, we might get a toy that was loud, that had sound that every kid was going to get one because that was the deal. Well, it turned out -- I'll tell you this one -- where we had a Santa and it was about almost a foot tall, and it was a chubby thing, and it had a little bell and it had batteries and I would go, dant-d-da, dant-da-da, dant-d-da-da-da dant-da, and it had this little computerized about three or four tunes, and when you get eight kids that are turning on those little Santa Clauses all at the same time all day long, something has to happen.
>> Right.
>> And they all, quote, unquote, broke one day, which was, of course, taking the batteries out.
>> Right. Right. Right.
>> They could still play with Santa. But, anyway, we had these little tricks for our own survival.
>> Yeah.
>> And no one caught on, huh?
>> No. I think did we do the Halloween fairy too, then, where the Halloween candy would disappear?
>> Oh, it would start disappearing.
>> But there would be a toy one day instead of the candy, and you put the toy there and it was like, love the Halloween fairy, and where's the candy.
>> The Halloween fairy. So, the Halloween fairy eats the candy? Is that what I'm hearing?
>> They leave the toy. That might have been our own kids, but, anyway. >> It might have been our own. We did that sometimes, but I think it was innocent.
>> So, was Halloween even celebrated?
>> Oh, yeah.
>> In fact.
>> In fact, we put on an incredible haunted house in our cottage.
>> Yes.
>> And we dressed up as witches and we had the kids participate. And one of the very effective stations along the haunted house tour was a big table that was all set up with dishes and candy and food and what have you, and silver wear, and in the middle of the table was a dome that covered the main dish, and when you lifted that dome up, it was one of the kids whose head jumped through the table. >> He loved it. >> It was like Medusa and scream.
>> He was great.
>> Oh, they jumped out of their shirts.
>> Yes. And all the adults, and so everybody in the home went through this.
>> They'd go through the tomb.
>> And everyone got that look on their face, like, yeah, they're going to make us feel like peeled grapes.
>> Great. Great.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> Everybody reacted to that.
>> Oh, without fail. It's funny.
>> And the child that was there, she was the best.
>> That's funny. And I'm sure your carpentry skills came there.
>> Yeah, we had to find a way to make it happen.
>> And just your basic know-how of how to set up wires and make big spider webs.
>> We even had a little witch on a cable line that came from the top of the ceiling all the way down to the door.
>> Ooh.
>> Right?
>> It went through the door.
>> It kind of slid down as you went in the door, and then you popped out as a witch.
>> I was dressed the same as her, and I was the witch.
>> From the other side of the door. It was fun.
>> Anyway, it was fun.
>> That sounds cool.
>> We had fun, definitely.
>> Well, I don't know if I went into much detail about your musical background. I mean, how did you become a fiddler or violinist and guitar? I know we talked a little bit about Katherine and the guitar.
>> Yeah. Well, when I was little, I came from very musical family. Both my parents are very musical, and my dad sang opera and played piano. My mom sang. They were in the choir and, you know, a lot of music around all the time.
There are six of us, six kids. There was only one old violin that belong to my grandpa, and I wanted it. And I decided that I asked for violin lessons and took on that, I would get that violin, and I did. And so, in sixth grade, I started taking violin lesson. We fixed up grandpa's old violin. It was mine. So, I took lessons, and then pretty much found out that unless I was going to be in an orchestra, there wasn't a lot of opportunity. Going to catholic school at the time, there was no orchestra. I wasn't in the public-school system. So, I learned to play by ear so that I could jam along with friends who were doing other more folk music, more rock and roll, things like that. So, I just kind of learned how to improvise. That has probably my main stay with how I play, just by ear, to this day.
>> Yeah, I was going to say people often ask what's the difference between a fiddle and a violin and there really isn't technically a difference.
>> It's kind of stylistic.
>> It's more stylistic. But everybody plays the same basic instrument. Unless, you know, you're growing up in the backwoods somewhere and somebody carves something. You know what I mean?
>> There's written literature for the violin in the classical form.
>> Yeah.
>> And there's also written fiddler music, but that came after the fact in the aural tradition -- aural tradition as they would call it. And I just think it's funner to say bring your fiddle, you know. So, I had a more traditional I think -- I started taking violin in fourth grade, and I was in orchestras and all the way through high school and college. Did I already mention about I learned -- but I also sang, and eventually back here in St. Croix -- I learned to play guitar?
And when we met, we were both 17, and it was kind of music that brought us together. We both were violinists.
>> It did.
>> And we had been to a church retreat, and there was a roster that was given. Eddie's birthday came up. I called him.
>> Very soon after the retreat.
>> Very soon after.
>> Fortunately.
>> Okay. >> And they were having a talent show, and we learned that we both played violin, so we played a duet together. It was so cute. And we started, you know, hanging out with each other.
>> I couldn't read music, so we played Telemann.
>> Yeah, Telemann duet.
>> So, we would play for a while. We'd talk for a while. We would play some more. It was pretty fun.
>> We became friends and would seek each other out.
>> Yeah. That was before we started going out. We did that for a few months, and then we decided we liked each other and started going out. But the music has sustained us all these years. You know, we've been married 36 years and been together about 40. And it's just been a natural conduit for us.
>> A lot of our friendships are built around doing music together.
>>And we're music ministers, and we've played I can't even tell you how many weddings and funerals. In fact, when we go back to Portland, we have two funerals coming up.
>> Right.
>> Saturday and then Saturday, people from our community. But the thing is that when you just have two people, it's hard for both of us to play the violin if we want singing to go on, so Eddie plays the fiddle and I play the guitar. Even though I can do that, play the fiddle.
>> You're just more multitalented.
>> Well, this has been such a pleasure. What I would love to be able to ask the two of you to do is to close us out on something that you've selected. I won't assume.
>> One of our regular go-to song?
>> Yeah.
>> What do you have in mind? >> So, this is called -- well, one of our favorite artists is named Nancy Griffith, and she comes out of Austin, Texas. She's been around since the early '70s. A lovely wonderful storyteller for music. Anyway, this is one of her sons called, "I Wish it Would Rain."
>> How appropriate; right?
>> Yeah.
>> And thank you for joining us. This is Ability Radio. Have a good day today. And thank you so much to Eddie Murphy and Katherine Murphy.
[Singing I wish it would rain].
>> Oh, I wish it would rain and wash my face clean. I want to find some dark cloud to hide in here. Oh, love and memory sparkle like diamonds. When the diamonds fall, they burn like tears. When the diamonds, fall they burn like tears. Once I had a love from the Georgia Pans who only cared for me. I want to find that love of 21 here at 53. I've got a heart on my right another on my left, and neither one suits my needs. Oh, the one I love is way out West, and he never will need me. Oh, I wish it would rain and wash my face clean. I want to find some dark cloud to hide in here. Oh, love and a memory sparkle like diamonds. When the diamonds fall, they burn like tears. When the diamonds fall, they burn like tears. [Fiddle]. I'm gonna pack up my two-step shoes and head for the Gulf Coast Plains. I want to walk the streets of my own hometown where everyone knows my name. I want to ride a ways down to Galveston when the hurricanes blow in, 'cause that Gulf Coast water tastes as sweet as wine when your heart's rolling home in the wind. Oh, I wish and wash my face clean. I want to find some dark cloud to hide in here. Oh, love and a memory sparkle like diamonds. When the diamonds fall, they burn like tears. When the diamond fall, they burn like tears. When the diamonds fall, they burn like tears. [Fiddle].