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Imitations of Immortality

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Imitations of Immortality Compiled and edited by E. O. PARROTT Imitations of Immortality A BOOK OF LITERARY PARODIES VIKING CONTENTS Preface vii Prologue • i AESCHYLUS Peter Rabbit JV. J. Warburton 5 The Nurse's Tale E. 0. Parrott 6 Fragment of a Greek Tragedy A. E. Housman 7 ARISTOTLE from Concerning Golf A. D. Godley 10 ANON (Chinese) Our Head-waiter L. E. Jones 12 The Girl of So Ho Gerard Benson 12 Kindness to the Starfish J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber1) 13 ANON (Early English) Ancient Music Ezra Pound 13 An Antient Poem Frank Sidgwick 14 GEOFFREY CHAUCER Imitation of Chaucer Alexander Pope 15 The Probatioun Officere's Tale Gerard Benson 16 The Hicche-hykere W. F. JV. Watson 16 ANON (Border Ballad) The New Ballad of Sir Patrick Spens Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch 17 FRANCIS BACON from Of Donnes G. F. Forrest 21 CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE Another Passionate Shepherd Martin Fagg 22 IX WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE from Savonarola Brown, Act II Sir Max Beerbohm 23 King Canute Stanley J. Sharpless 28 All's Well Stanley J. Sharpless 29 Once More unto the Peace Sagittarius 30 By All Accounts Roger Woddis 31 Enter Puck Roger Woddis 32 This Railway Station Allan M. Laing 33 When Icicles Peter Veale 33 W. S. at his Mirror Mary Holtby 34 When to the Sessions Ronn Marvin 34 ANON (Elizabethan Dramatist) 'Tis Pity He's a Stockfish Trooper Jones , 35 from The Critic Richard Brinsley Sheridan 36 ROBERT HERRICK Upon Julia's Clothes E. V. Knox 36 Upon Julia's Clothes Michael Barsley . 37 JOHN MILTON Ode to Conservation Joyce Johnson 37 Paradise Lost 2-0 Margaret Rogers . 38 RICHARD LOVELACE To My Lady Nicotine Martin Fagg 39 Alibi Arthur Guiterman 39 * • -, • ANDREW MARVELL To his Coarse Mistress Gerard Benson , . 40 JOHN AUBREY Memories of 1966 Peter Veale 41 DEAN JONATHAN SWIFT Voyage to Cynosuria Allan M. Laing ,42 ALEXANDER POPE On 'Who's Who' H. A. C. Evans 43 A Limerick Rewritten J. H. Frank -,>•-.• 43 SAMUEL RICHARDSON from Shamela Henry Fielding 44 THOMAS GRAY If Gray had had to Write his Elegy in the Cemetery at Spoon River Sir John Squire 46 CHRISTOPHER SMART To his Mirror Stanley Shaw 49 OLIVER GOLDSMITH When Lovely Woman Phoebe Carey 49 JAMES BOSWELL Two Hitherto Unpublished Extracts from his Life of Dr Johnson Stanley J. Sharpless; Russell Lucas 50 ROBERT BURNS For A' That and A' That C. W. Shirley Brooks 51 The Queys are Mooping Harry Graham 53 Justice to Scotland C. W. Shirley Brooks 54 Rigid Body Sings James Clerk Maxwell 55 WILLIAM WORDSWORTH A Sonnet J. K. Stephen 55 On First Hearing that Wordsworth had an Illegitimate Child John Julius Norwich 56 Epilogue George Gordon, Lord Byron 57 The Wordsworths William Bealby-Wright 57 It's Those Daffodils Again Lance A. Howard 58 A Fragment Catherine Fanshawe 59 The Hardened Brat Sagittarius 60 He Lived amidst th' Untrodden Ways Hartley Coleridge 62 SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE On a Ruined House in a Romantic Country Samuel Taylor Coleridge 63 The Ancient Mariner (The Wedding Guest's Version of . the Affair) Anon 63 ROBERT SOUTHEY Epitaph on a Well-known Poet Thomas Moore 66 xi JAN'E AUSTEN • ' "• • ••>-'•'.• Pride and Porringers E. 0. Parrott •':'•'•'•' • '67 Pride and Punishment Gwen Foyle '•• 69 Mansfield Mill E. 0. Parrott 69 from Sense and Centenaries H.'F. Ellis ' ' 70 THOMAS MOORE 'Twas Ever Thus Henry S. Leigh • ^2 GEORGE GORDON, LORD BYRON from Beer C. S.Calverley 73 The Poet Sees Himself Martin Fagg 74 A Grievance J. K. Stephen 75 JAMES FENIMORECOOPER from Muck-a-Muck Bret Harte 76 PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY " Ozymandias Revisited Morris Bishop .78 JOHN KEATS A Grecian Urn Reconsidered Nancy Gunter , 79 Ode to Another Nightingale A. Sheridan 80 Ode to a Slug Andrew Stibbs 80 THOMAS HOOD Elegy Martin Fagg . .81 Ben Barley Gerard Benson 82 ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING Sonnet Stanley J. Sharpless 83 HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW Hiawatha's Photographing Lewis Carroll 83 What I Think of Hiawatha J. W. Morris 87 The,Modern Hiawatha George A. Strong 88 The Village Burglar Anon 88 j. G. WHITTIER •; .•.-••;'.--:•• The Ballad of Hiram Hover Bayard Taylor • 89 xii ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON The Laureate William Aytoun 91 The Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell Algernon Charles Swinburne 93 The Charge of the Bread Brigade Ezra Pound 94 What the Ghost Told Hamlet Rhoda Tuck Pook 95 Maud Douglas Hawson 95 The Modern Brook Paul Griffin 96 EDGAR ALLAN POE Nevermore C. L. Edson 97 EDWARD FITZGERALD from Strugnell's Rubaiyat Wendy Cope 98 CHARLES DICKENS Christmas Afternoon Robert Benchley 100 More Hard Times Gerard Benson 102 EDWARD LEAR The Cottonwool Tour Trooper Jones 103 ROBERT BROWNING A Girtonian Funeral Anon 104 Sincere Flattery of R.B. J. K. Stephen 106 How I Brought the Good News from Aix to Ghent, or Vice Versa Walter Carruthers Sellar and Robert Julian Teatman 107 How They Brought the Bad News Roger Woddis 108 The Last Ride Together (from her point of view) J. K. Stephen 109 Home Truths from Abroad Anon 112 . My First Abstract T. Griffiths 112 From a Spanish Cloister G. K. Chesterton 113 CHARLOTTE BRONTE from Miss Mix Bret Harte 114 WALT WHITMAN Camarados Bayard Taylor 117 Sincere Flattery of W.W. (Americanus) J. K. Stephen 118 A Classic Waits for Me E. B. White 118 xni CHARLES KINGSLEY : Two Extracts from The Unexpurgated Water Babies • . ' Martin Fagg; E. M. E. Wood •. 120 ARTHUR HUGH CLOUGH The Most Famous Poem of J. Strugnell Gavin Ewart 121 JEAN INGELOW Lovers, and a Reflection C. S. Calverley 122 FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY The Gollies Karamazov Alan Coren 124 DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI After 'Dilettante Concetti' H. D. Traill 126 Soul Severance St John Hankin 128 GEORGE MEREDITH The Charlady at Patterne Hall L. E. Jones 128 The Charwoman Allan M. Laing , . 129 EMILY DICKINSON Morning Disturbance Peter De Vries 130 She Sees Another Door Opening Firman Houghton 130 T. E. BROWN My Garden Gerard Benson 131 LOUISA MAY ALCOTT . Little Liberated Women Gwen Foyle 131 WILLIAM MORRIS Ballad C. S. Calverley 132 Rondel Anon 134 ALFRED AUSTIN A Birthday Ode to Mr Alfred Austin Sir Owen Seaman 135 SIR WILLIAM S. GILBERT A Policeman's Lot Wendy Cope '140 I Am a Racist Tim Hopkins - 141 xiv ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE Nephelidia Algernon Charles Swinburne 142 Octopus A. C. Hilton 143 A Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Richard Le Gallienne 144 THOMAS HARDY A Luncheon (Thomas Hardy Entertains the Prince of Wales) Sir Max Beerbohm 145 Transistors Martin Fagg 146 My Mouse Edward Blishen 146 The Morning's Journal Edward Blishen 147 Foes Beyond Martin Fagg 147 HENRY JAMES The Guerdon Sir Max Beerbohm 148 A Blurb for the Dustjacket of The Turn of the Screw Edward Blishen 150 GERARD MANLEY HOPKINS Initial Poem Gerard Benson 151 Breakfast with Gerard Manley Hopkins Anthony Brode 152 February Filldyke R. J. P. Hewison 153 Baked Beauty Bill Greenwell 153 OSCAR WILDE A Play of No Importance J. Dean 154 The Importance of Being Ernestine Martin Fagg 154 H. RIDER HAGGARD from The Deathless Queen G. F. Forrest 155 GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Opening Paragraph of his Memoirs Allan M. Laing 157 On Jane Austen L. E. Jones 158 JOSEPH CONRAD from Mystery E. V. Knox 159 A. E. HOUSMAN What, Still Alive at Twenty-two? Hugh Kingsmill 162 Summer Time on Bredon Hugh Kingsmill 163 The Man Who Hangs Head Downwards Katharine Whitehorn 163 xv Last Poem Mary Holt by 164 Off Wenlock Edge Paul Griffin 165 The Sun It Shines Thomas Derrick 165 SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE The Adventure of the Diamond Necklace G. F. Forrest 166 The Adventure of the Two Collaborators Sir James Barrie 168 RABINDRANATH TAGORE A Spot of Verse J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 170 SIR HENRY NEWBOLT The Little Commodore Sir John Squire 171 There's a Breathless Hush Noel Petty 172 WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS I Will Arise Sagittarius 172 RUDYARD KIPLING To R.K. (1891) J. K. Stephen 173 A Ballad Guy Wetmore Carryl 174 • Spring Is Here Stanley J. Sharpless 175 Mummy Katharine Whitehorn J76 Christie's Minstrels Peter Veale ,. 177 The Reunion Dinner Martin Fagg 178 Recruiting Song Michael Foster . 178 H. G. WELLS . from The Peculiar Bird E. V. Knox 179 ARNOLD BENNETT from Scruts Sir Max Beerbohm 182 HILAIRE BELLOC At Martinmas Sir John Squire 186 New Tarantella Paul Griffin 187 New Cautionary Tale Ven. H. F. Kirkpatrick 187 On Mrs Beeton Stevie Ewart 188 W. H. DAVIES , The Tales I Hear Sir John Squire 189 xvi J . M. SYNGE A Memory L. A. G. Strong 190 WALTER DE LA MARE The Last Bus E. V. Knox 190 The Bug-eyed Listeners Roger Woddis 192 G. K. CHESTERTON In Praise of Non-central Heating H. A. C. Evans 193 When I Leapt over Tower Bridge Sir John Squire 194 A Song Against Supermarkets Stanley J. Sharpless 195 W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM from First Person Circular L. A. Pavey 195 Short Story — Opening Paragraph W. J. Webster 197 Cats! Martin Fagg 197 ROBERT FROST Mr Frost Goes South to Boston Firman Houghton 198 JOHNBUCHAN Nunsmantle Martin Fagg 199 from The Queen of Minikoi J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 199 JOHN MASEFIELD Sea-chill Arthur Guiterman 202 Bank-holiday Fever Richard Quick 203 The Everlasting Percy E. V. Knox 204 E. M. FORSTER What Really Happened in the Malabar Caves T. Griffiths 206 LYTTON STRACHEY The Death of King Edward VII L. E.Jones 207 MARY WEBB from Cold Comfort Farm Stella Gibbons 207 P.. G. WODEHOUSE Bertie and Emma Russell Lucas 210 Bertie Gulliver in Brobdingnag G. J. Blundell 210 I Say, Give Over, Jeeves! Clive Jacques 211 xvii DAISY ASHFORD The Wages of Sin Is Deth P.
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