Compiled and edited by E. O. PARROTT
Imitations of Immortality
A BOOK OF LITERARY PARODIES
VIKING CONTENTS
Preface vii
Prologue • i
AESCHYLUS Peter Rabbit JV. J. Warburton 5 The Nurse's Tale E. 0. Parrott 6 Fragment of a Greek Tragedy A. E. Housman 7
ARISTOTLE from Concerning Golf A. D. Godley 10
ANON (Chinese) Our Head-waiter L. E. Jones 12 The Girl of So Ho Gerard Benson 12 Kindness to the Starfish J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber1) 13
ANON (Early English) Ancient Music Ezra Pound 13 An Antient Poem Frank Sidgwick 14
GEOFFREY CHAUCER Imitation of Chaucer Alexander Pope 15 The Probatioun Officere's Tale Gerard Benson 16 The Hicche-hykere W. F. JV. Watson 16
ANON (Border Ballad) The New Ballad of Sir Patrick Spens Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch 17
FRANCIS BACON from Of Donnes G. F. Forrest 21
CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE Another Passionate Shepherd Martin Fagg 22
IX WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE from Savonarola Brown, Act II Sir Max Beerbohm 23 King Canute Stanley J. Sharpless 28 All's Well Stanley J. Sharpless 29 Once More unto the Peace Sagittarius 30 By All Accounts Roger Woddis 31 Enter Puck Roger Woddis 32 This Railway Station Allan M. Laing 33 When Icicles Peter Veale 33 W. S. at his Mirror Mary Holtby 34 When to the Sessions Ronn Marvin 34
ANON (Elizabethan Dramatist) 'Tis Pity He's a Stockfish Trooper Jones , 35 from The Critic Richard Brinsley Sheridan 36
ROBERT HERRICK Upon Julia's Clothes E. V. Knox 36 Upon Julia's Clothes Michael Barsley . . 37
JOHN MILTON Ode to Conservation Joyce Johnson 37 Paradise Lost 2-0 Margaret Rogers . . 38
RICHARD LOVELACE To My Lady Nicotine Martin Fagg 39 Alibi Arthur Guiterman 39
* • -, • ANDREW MARVELL To his Coarse Mistress Gerard Benson , . . 40
JOHN AUBREY Memories of 1966 Peter Veale 41
DEAN JONATHAN SWIFT Voyage to Cynosuria Allan M. Laing ,42
ALEXANDER POPE On 'Who's Who' H. A. C. Evans 43 A Limerick Rewritten J. H. Frank -,>•-.• 43 SAMUEL RICHARDSON from Shamela Henry Fielding 44
THOMAS GRAY If Gray had had to Write his Elegy in the Cemetery at Spoon River Sir John Squire 46
CHRISTOPHER SMART To his Mirror Stanley Shaw 49
OLIVER GOLDSMITH When Lovely Woman Phoebe Carey 49
JAMES BOSWELL Two Hitherto Unpublished Extracts from his Life of Dr Johnson Stanley J. Sharpless; Russell Lucas 50
ROBERT BURNS For A' That and A' That C. W. Shirley Brooks 51 The Queys are Mooping Harry Graham 53 Justice to Scotland C. W. Shirley Brooks 54 Rigid Body Sings James Clerk Maxwell 55
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH A Sonnet J. K. Stephen 55 On First Hearing that Wordsworth had an Illegitimate Child John Julius Norwich 56 Epilogue George Gordon, Lord Byron 57 The Wordsworths William Bealby-Wright 57 It's Those Daffodils Again Lance A. Howard 58 A Fragment Catherine Fanshawe 59 The Hardened Brat Sagittarius 60 He Lived amidst th' Untrodden Ways Hartley Coleridge 62
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE On a Ruined House in a Romantic Country Samuel Taylor Coleridge 63 The Ancient Mariner (The Wedding Guest's Version of . the Affair) Anon 63
ROBERT SOUTHEY Epitaph on a Well-known Poet Thomas Moore 66
xi JAN'E AUSTEN • ' "• • ••>-'•'.• Pride and Porringers E. 0. Parrott •':'•'•'•' • '67 Pride and Punishment Gwen Foyle '•• 69 Mansfield Mill E. 0. Parrott 69 from Sense and Centenaries H.'F. Ellis ' ' 70
THOMAS MOORE 'Twas Ever Thus Henry S. Leigh • ^2
GEORGE GORDON, LORD BYRON from Beer C. S.Calverley 73 The Poet Sees Himself Martin Fagg 74 A Grievance J. K. Stephen 75
JAMES FENIMORECOOPER from Muck-a-Muck Bret Harte 76
PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY " Ozymandias Revisited Morris Bishop .78
JOHN KEATS A Grecian Urn Reconsidered Nancy Gunter , 79 Ode to Another Nightingale A. Sheridan 80 Ode to a Slug Andrew Stibbs 80
THOMAS HOOD Elegy Martin Fagg . .81 Ben Barley Gerard Benson 82
ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING Sonnet Stanley J. Sharpless 83
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW Hiawatha's Photographing Lewis Carroll 83 What I Think of Hiawatha J. W. Morris 87 The,Modern Hiawatha George A. Strong 88 The Village Burglar Anon 88
j. G. WHITTIER •; .•.-••;'.--:•• The Ballad of Hiram Hover Bayard Taylor • 89
xii ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON The Laureate William Aytoun 91 The Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell Algernon Charles Swinburne 93 The Charge of the Bread Brigade Ezra Pound 94 What the Ghost Told Hamlet Rhoda Tuck Pook 95 Maud Douglas Hawson 95 The Modern Brook Paul Griffin 96
EDGAR ALLAN POE Nevermore C. L. Edson 97
EDWARD FITZGERALD from Strugnell's Rubaiyat Wendy Cope 98
CHARLES DICKENS Christmas Afternoon Robert Benchley 100 More Hard Times Gerard Benson 102
EDWARD LEAR The Cottonwool Tour Trooper Jones 103
ROBERT BROWNING A Girtonian Funeral Anon 104 Sincere Flattery of R.B. J. K. Stephen 106 How I Brought the Good News from Aix to Ghent, or Vice Versa Walter Carruthers Sellar and Robert Julian Teatman 107 How They Brought the Bad News Roger Woddis 108 The Last Ride Together (from her point of view) J. K. Stephen 109 Home Truths from Abroad Anon 112 . My First Abstract T. Griffiths 112 From a Spanish Cloister G. K. Chesterton 113
CHARLOTTE BRONTE from Miss Mix Bret Harte 114
WALT WHITMAN Camarados Bayard Taylor 117 Sincere Flattery of W.W. (Americanus) J. K. Stephen 118 A Classic Waits for Me E. B. White 118
xni CHARLES KINGSLEY : Two Extracts from The Unexpurgated Water Babies • . ' Martin Fagg; E. M. E. Wood •. 120
ARTHUR HUGH CLOUGH The Most Famous Poem of J. Strugnell Gavin Ewart 121
JEAN INGELOW Lovers, and a Reflection C. S. Calverley 122
FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY The Gollies Karamazov Alan Coren 124
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI After 'Dilettante Concetti' H. D. Traill 126 Soul Severance St John Hankin 128
GEORGE MEREDITH The Charlady at Patterne Hall L. E. Jones 128 The Charwoman Allan M. Laing , . 129
EMILY DICKINSON Morning Disturbance Peter De Vries 130 She Sees Another Door Opening Firman Houghton 130
T. E. BROWN My Garden Gerard Benson 131
LOUISA MAY ALCOTT . Little Liberated Women Gwen Foyle 131
WILLIAM MORRIS Ballad C. S. Calverley 132 Rondel Anon 134
ALFRED AUSTIN A Birthday Ode to Mr Alfred Austin Sir Owen Seaman 135
SIR WILLIAM S. GILBERT A Policeman's Lot Wendy Cope '140 I Am a Racist Tim Hopkins - 141 xiv ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE Nephelidia Algernon Charles Swinburne 142 Octopus A. C. Hilton 143 A Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Richard Le Gallienne 144
THOMAS HARDY A Luncheon (Thomas Hardy Entertains the Prince of Wales) Sir Max Beerbohm 145 Transistors Martin Fagg 146 My Mouse Edward Blishen 146 The Morning's Journal Edward Blishen 147 Foes Beyond Martin Fagg 147
HENRY JAMES The Guerdon Sir Max Beerbohm 148 A Blurb for the Dustjacket of The Turn of the Screw Edward Blishen 150
GERARD MANLEY HOPKINS Initial Poem Gerard Benson 151 Breakfast with Gerard Manley Hopkins Anthony Brode 152 February Filldyke R. J. P. Hewison 153 Baked Beauty Bill Greenwell 153
OSCAR WILDE A Play of No Importance J. Dean 154 The Importance of Being Ernestine Martin Fagg 154
H. RIDER HAGGARD from The Deathless Queen G. F. Forrest 155
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Opening Paragraph of his Memoirs Allan M. Laing 157 On Jane Austen L. E. Jones 158
JOSEPH CONRAD from Mystery E. V. Knox 159
A. E. HOUSMAN What, Still Alive at Twenty-two? Hugh Kingsmill 162 Summer Time on Bredon Hugh Kingsmill 163 The Man Who Hangs Head Downwards Katharine Whitehorn 163
xv Last Poem Mary Holt by 164 Off Wenlock Edge Paul Griffin 165 The Sun It Shines Thomas Derrick 165
SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE The Adventure of the Diamond Necklace G. F. Forrest 166 The Adventure of the Two Collaborators Sir James Barrie 168
RABINDRANATH TAGORE A Spot of Verse J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 170
SIR HENRY NEWBOLT The Little Commodore Sir John Squire 171 There's a Breathless Hush Noel Petty 172
WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS I Will Arise Sagittarius 172
RUDYARD KIPLING To R.K. (1891) J. K. Stephen 173 A Ballad Guy Wetmore Carryl 174 • Spring Is Here Stanley J. Sharpless 175 Mummy Katharine Whitehorn J76 Christie's Minstrels Peter Veale ,. 177 The Reunion Dinner Martin Fagg 178 Recruiting Song Michael Foster . 178
H. G. WELLS . from The Peculiar Bird E. V. Knox 179
ARNOLD BENNETT from Scruts Sir Max Beerbohm 182
HILAIRE BELLOC At Martinmas Sir John Squire 186 New Tarantella Paul Griffin 187 New Cautionary Tale Ven. H. F. Kirkpatrick 187 On Mrs Beeton Stevie Ewart 188
W. H. DAVIES , The Tales I Hear Sir John Squire 189
xvi J . M. SYNGE A Memory L. A. G. Strong 190
WALTER DE LA MARE The Last Bus E. V. Knox 190 The Bug-eyed Listeners Roger Woddis 192
G. K. CHESTERTON In Praise of Non-central Heating H. A. C. Evans 193 When I Leapt over Tower Bridge Sir John Squire 194 A Song Against Supermarkets Stanley J. Sharpless 195
W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM from First Person Circular L. A. Pavey 195 Short Story — Opening Paragraph W. J. Webster 197 Cats! Martin Fagg 197
ROBERT FROST Mr Frost Goes South to Boston Firman Houghton 198
JOHNBUCHAN Nunsmantle Martin Fagg 199 from The Queen of Minikoi J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 199
JOHN MASEFIELD Sea-chill Arthur Guiterman 202 Bank-holiday Fever Richard Quick 203 The Everlasting Percy E. V. Knox 204
E. M. FORSTER What Really Happened in the Malabar Caves T. Griffiths 206
LYTTON STRACHEY The Death of King Edward VII L. E.Jones 207
MARY WEBB from Cold Comfort Farm Stella Gibbons 207
P.. G. WODEHOUSE Bertie and Emma Russell Lucas 210 Bertie Gulliver in Brobdingnag G. J. Blundell 210 I Say, Give Over, Jeeves! Clive Jacques 211
xvii DAISY ASHFORD The Wages of Sin Is Deth P. M. Robertson . • < 212
VIRGINIA WOOLF A Cricket Commentary Stanley J. Sharpless 212 Advertisement Copy Elaine Morgan 213
A. A. MILNE from When We Were Very Silly J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 213 God Bless Nanny W. F. N. Watson 215 No Daddy Monica G. Ribon 215
JAMES JOYCE from The Tents of Wickedness Peter De Vries 216
FRANZ KAFKA A's Trial David Lodge 220
DAMON RUNYON On Henry James Allan M. Laing 222 The Fable of the Hare and the Tortoise L. W. Bailey 223
IVY COMPTON-BURNETT Little Brothers and Sisters Margaret Rogers 224
D. H. LAWRENCE On a Football-pool Winner Peter Sheldon 224 The Lost Girl Trespasser George Moor 225 The British Museum Reading Room David Lodge 226 Slug Andrew Stibbs 227
EZRA POUND Another Canto J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber3) 229
SIEGFRIED SASSOON Initial Poem Bill Greenwell 230
DAME EDITH SITWELL Contours .Sir Noel Coward 230 Sunday Morning at Wiesbaden Sir Noel Coward 231 The Three Calenders E. V. Knox 231
xviii T.S.ELIOT Chard Whitlow Henry Reed 233 A Letter to Harriet Weaver, in the Style of The Waste Land James Joyce 234 The Picnic Land J. A. Lindon 235 from The Eumenides at Home James Agate 236 Sweeney Aesthetic J. A. Lindon 238 McQuiddity Mary Holtby • 239 The Pooch J. A. Lindon 240
KATHERINE MANSFIELD A Football-pool Winner Margaret Tims 240
RAYMOND CHANDLER Mr Big Woody Allen 241
WILFRED OWEN A Third World War Poem Bill Greenwell 249 e. e. cummings poets Peter De Vries 250
ALDOUS HUXLEY from Told in Gath Cyril Connolly 251
WILLIAM FAULKNER Requiem for a Noun, or Intruder in the Dust Peter De Vries 253
ENID BLYTON . The Famous Five Take Tea with Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus and Family N. J. Warburton 258
THORNTON WILDER Just Plain Folks Kenneth Tynan 258
ERNEST HEMINGWAY For Whom the Gong Sounds Cornelia Otis Skinner 261
SIR NOEL COWARD The Archers E. 0. Parrott 263 from The Caretaker . . . or Private Life Alan Coren 263
xix OGDEN NASH Just a Few Friends Basil Ransome-Davies 265 On Patience Strong Elaine Morgan 266 Daddy's Not Taking You to the Zoo Tomorrow, Not If I Can Help It Gerard Benson 266
STEVIE SMITH On Herself John Stanley Sweetman 267 Hound Puss Martin Fagg 268
GRAHAM GREENE Extract from a.Biography of Sir Hugh Greene Sir Hugh Greene {'Sebastian Eleigh') 268 Verse Autobiography Graham Greene {'H. A. Baxter3) 269 Extract from an Imaginary Novel Sir Hugh Greene {'Sebastian Eleigh') 269 Nothing Succeeds like Failure Martin Fagg 270 Early Writing J. A. Lindon 270 Nun-running Peter Veale 271 c. p. SNOW The Cloisters of Power Martin Fagg 272 Lewis Eliot's Revolution Diary Martin Fagg 273
SAMUEL BECKETT from Slamm's Last Knock Kenneth Tynan 273 LGA-ORD Ian A. Frazier 276
SIR JOHN BETJEMAN On the Derationing of Sweets Arthur Marshall 277 Place Names of China Alan Bennett 278 Betjeman, 1984 Charles Causley 279 Autumn Stanley J. Sharpless . . 280 At the Post Office Stanley J. Sharpless 280 A Ticket-Collector's Love Song Roger Woddis 281
LOUIS MACNEICE More Bagpipe Music E. 0. Parrott 282
W.H.AUDEN Just a Smack at Auden Sir William Empson . 283
XX Self-congratulatory Ode on Mr Auden's Election to the • ' Professorship of Poetry at Oxford Ronald Mason 284 from The Tents of Wickedness: No Need to Cry Peter De Vries 285
IAN FLEMING from Bond Strikes Camp Cyril Connolly 286
LAWRENCE DURRELL from Ivy Roger Angell 290 from Voluptia Malcolm Bradbury 293
DYLAN THOMAS Under Broadcasting House Richard Quick 295 Adventures in the Fur Game P. W. R. Foot 296
HENRY REED The Mending of Fuses E. 0. Parrott 297
CHARLES CAUSLEY Book Review Russell Davies 298
MURIEL SPARK Last Things Malcolm Bradbury 299
J. D. SALINGER Review J. A. Lindon 304
IRIS MURDOCH from The Sublime and the Ridiculous Malcolm Bradbury 305
KINGSLEY AMIS What about You? Edward Pygge 306 Remember Lot's Wife Stanley J. Sharpless 307
PHILIP LARKIN After the Library Douglas Gibson 308 Mr Strugnell Wendy Cope 309 Second-hand Car Dealer Stanley J. Sharpless 310
JOHN WAIN Keeping up with Kingsley Colin Falck 310
xxi ANON (Romantic Ballad) I Hold Your Hand in Mine Tom Lehrer 311
ANON (Negro Spiritual) The Heavenly Fish Queue Allan M. Laing 312
ALLEN GINSBERG Squeal Louis Simpson 313
ALAN SILLITOE from Room at the Bottom Malcolm Bradbury 314
PETER PORTER E Pericoloso Sporgersi Wendy Cope 317
TED HUGHES Budgie Finds His Voice Wendy Cope 318 Looking in the Mirror Bill Greenwell 318 Slug Resting Andrew Stibbs 3!9
HAROLD PINTER A Bear Called Paddington Bill Greenwell 320
GEORGE MACBETH from Peregrine Prykke's Pilgrimage Clive James 321
ATHOL FUGARD The Wind in the Willows Ken Rudge 321
CRAIG RAINE Birth Bill Greenwell . 322 Birthday Bill Greenwell . 323 The Lavatory Attendant Wendy Cope 323
PAM AYRES Post-natal Pome Sue Denim -• ' • 324
Variations from The Muse among the Motorists Rudyard Kipling 325 Old King Cole - Variations of an Air G. K. Chesterton 332 xxii Salad Mortimer Collins 334 The Poets at Tea Barry Pain 336
RIGHT OF REPLY: REJOINDERS TO POETS FROM THE SUBJECTS OF THEIR VERSES A Toad on Philip Larkin Basil Ransome-Davies 340 The Lamb on William Blake Fiona Pitt-Kethley 340 The Pig on Ted Hughes Bill Greenwell 341 The Snake on D. H. Lawrence N. J. Warburton 341 'Four-Feet' on Rudyard Kipling Roger Woddis 342 A Shropshire Lad to A. E. Housman Pendextre 342 The Fair Youth Responds to William Shakespeare Mary Holtby 343 Porphyria to Robert Browning Paul Griffin 343 The Nymph's Reply to Christopher Marlowe's Passionate Shepherd Sir Walter Raleigh 344 Jenny to D. G. Rossetti Pontifex - 345 Cynara to Ernest Dowson L. E. Jones " 346 Lucasta to Richard Lovelace L. E. Jones 346 The Fat White Woman to Frances Cornford G. K. Chesterton 347
NURSERY RHYMES REWRITTEN Sing a Song of Sixpence by John Milton Rhoda Tuck Pook 347 Little Jack Homer by Anthony Powell Alan Alexander 348 Baa Baa Black Sheep by William Wordsworth Wendy Cope 348 Three Blind Mice by Gerard Manley Hopkins Bill Greenwell 349 Old King Cole by W. B. Yeats Gerard Benson 350 Ride a Cock-horse by T. S. Eliot E. 0. Parrott 350 The Grand Old Duke of York by J. D. Salinger Tim Hopkins 351 Little Boy Blue by Alexander Pope Paul Griffin 351 Jack Sprat by Ernest Hemingway Henry Hetherington 352 Solomon Grundy by P. G. Wodehouse Martin Fagg 353 Little Miss Muffet by Stevie Smith Martin Fagg 353 Mary, Mary by William Shakespeare G. F. Forrest 354 Hey Diddle Diddle by Robert Browning Gerard Benson 354 Jack and Jill by William Wordsworth Gerard Benson 355
xxiii Georgy Porgy by Lord Macaulay G. F. Forrest \ : '356 Girls and Boys Come out to Play by Sir John Betjeman Hilary 356 Rock-a-Bye Baby by Alexander Pope Rhoda Tuck Pook 357
CHILDREN'S BOOKS RichmalCrompton: Just William Tom Lawrence 358 Lewis Carroll: Alice in Wonderland J. Y. Watson 358 Arthur Ransome: Swallows and Amazons J: M. Crooks 359 Enid Blyton: Noddy J. M. Crooks 360 Kenneth Grahame: The Wind in the Willows George van Schaick 360 Captain W. E.Johns: Biggies Battles On Graham Chapman 361 Frank Richards: Greyfriars E. 0. Parrott 362
OTHER MEN'S MUSES Geoffrey Chaucer Rewrites Sir John Betjeman Stanley J. Sharpless 363 Sir William Empson Rewrites William Wordsworth Basil Ransome-Davies ,• 363 William McGonagall Rewrites Rupert Brooke J. T. Watson 364 Sir John Betjeman Rewrites John Donne Basil Ransome-Davies 365 Jane Austen Rewrites.Dylan Thomas Roy Kelly .... • 365 . Dylan Thomas Rewrites Jane Austen Stanley J. Sharpless 366 Sir John Betjeman Rewrites William Wordsworth Gavin Ewart . • 366 W. H. Auden Rewrites John Keats Mary Holtby 367 Daisy Ashford Rewrites Jane Austen, Martin Fagg, , 368 Graham Greene Rewrites Charles Dickens John Digby 368 Edward Fitzgerald Rewrites T. S. Eliot Roy Fuller 369
Index of Authors Parodied 371
Index of Parodists 375
Sources and Acknowledgements 379