Guidedog’s Blog 2013

New season starts today Mar. 30 2013

Saturday 30 March, and it's Captain vs. Vice-Captain at the Merkie. The weather this morning is bright and sunny, but still cold. Some overnight snow at Letham Grange, but that will melt quickly at this time of year. Numbers for the season opener seem down (again), but perhaps understandable if the weather has kept people off the course for the past few weeks. Fingers crossed for a good day.

So how did it go? Mar. 31, 2013

What a glorious day for the first of the season. After moaning all winter about how awful the weather has been, the Big Man upstairs must have taken pity on the golfers of Montrose, because we had an afternoon of bright sunshine and little wind. It was even warm for most of the time.

Overall, the Captain's team beat the Vice Captain's, and I was able to play my part, by losing, with George Kemlo, against James Spark and the redoubtable Alex Mowatt. It was never a close game, James played very well and Alex backed him up. George and I were rarely in it, and when we had a chance, inevitably the putts failed to drop. The condition of the greens was the only disappointment of the day. They have been excellent all winter, but yesterday it was like putting on the face of an acne-stricken fifteen year old. The ball just bumped and bounced all over the place.

I think that there were 12 matches, not nearly as many as in years gone past, but there was no doubt that those who played had a great day. The Banker was drafted in to replace the injured Club Champion, and he partnered the Captain to victory over the VC and young Stewart McEwing, who lost his first ever C vs VC in six years. No word from JR on how he got on.

First LG Seniors match of the season Apr. 3, 2013

Pleased to say that the first seniors match of the new season went well today. Yes, that means that my partner and I won. We played against Downfield at Letham Grange, on the Glens course as the Old Course doesn't open till Friday. The weather was perfect for this time of year - clear blue skies, warm(ish) sunshine and very little wind. Playing with Kym Needle, a retired Australian artist with the most luxuriant beard I've seen, we won comfortably by 7 and 5 over our Dundee opponents. Perhaps they were disadvantaged by the fact that their course is still under 3 inches of snow. Kym and I combined very well and didn't lose a hole. I don't think that he'll hold on to his 21 handicap for too long. To cap it off, Letham Grange won the match 4 - 2. Believe me, this is a rare event. Next seniors match is next Monday 8th, against Broughty GC, but there is the Montrose Medal to play on Saturday before then. Those new specs that I picked up yesterday seem to have done the trick - didn't miss a putt all day! A Mixed Weekend Apr. 8, 2013

Saturday saw the first medal round of the season at Montrose, on a bright sunny day with a bitingly cold south-easterly wind. The course was the colour of pale straw, the ground was hard and bumpy and the greens were still hit or miss, due to lack of growth. Not easy scoring conditions, and most of the schoolie, including me, struggled a bit. However, there was one star on the day - Joe McGill, who shot 77-9=68 against a CSS of 73, to win our sweepie by 7 shots. An eagle at six and four birdies helped!

Sunday saw more heartbreak, as the Jags lost in the final of the Ramsden's Challenge Cup to Queen of the South on penalties. It was a poor game, and my recording from the broadcast on BBC Alba was wiped pretty quickly. Ever watched a game of football with a Gaelic commentary? - It's bizarre.

Cheered up on Monday, though, playing for LG Seniors against Broughty GC from Monifieth. Playing in match 2 with a steady partner, Gordon Hunter, we won 5&3, bringing the season's total to two wins out of two. Highlight was putting my tee shot at a par three to a foot. LG won the match 3 and half - 2 and half. Fine weather, but still bitterly cold, and it only snowed once, for about five minutes.

Guidedog's Guide to the Masters Apr. 10, 2013

The Masters is played at Augusta National, a nice parkland course in Georgia. It is often referred to as the Letham Grange of Georgia. Unlike its big brother in Scotland, Augusta National has no rough, so obviously it must be an easier course. The Masters must be the easiest Major to win, as so many geriatrics and ex-champions are allowed to play because they won about forty years ago, keeping lots of good young players out of the field.

It is often said that the Masters doesn't start until the back nine on Sunday. This is clearly silly, as everyone has to turn up on Thursday otherwise they don't get to play. No member of the If Only Tour has won the Masters. I think Scotty was third one year, and Graham will probably win when he retires. 50% of the last ten Masters have been won by left-handers. Before Mike Weir won in 2003, no left-hander had won.

During the Second World War, the course was used to raise turkeys and chickens, and was looked after by German POWs. It is over ten years since a European player won the Masters. It is almost certain that this will change this year, when either Rory McIlroy or Padraig Harrington will be awarded the Green Jacket. Or maybe Lee Westwood....

Amateur competitors stay on the course, in the Crow's Nest. Scotty speaks highly of the accommodation, especially the size of the breakfast. Fred Couples missed a 10 foot eagle putt in 1986, and holed the 40 foot return for a birdie. It is said that this is the longest successful second putt in Masters history. Apparently the greens can be quite quick.

Robert has pencilled in Augusta National as part of the If Only Tour in 2014, as long as it fits in with Budgie's shifts.

Another chilly Saturday! Apr. 13, 2013

Once again, the schoolie had to endure a bitterly cold south-easterly wind playing the Spring Medal. The morning had some promise of sunshine, but this failed to materialise, and once again we played a hard, bumpy course with a snell wind chilling us to the bone. By the 18th, most people were desperate to get into the warmth of the Clubhouse. Seven players appeared, including Mr Magoo and the Scarlet Pimpernel that is Chris Doan, both playing a medal round for the first time this season. In addition, we were joined by Mike Gove, looking for a game after missing his morning slot, and a young Aussie called Matt, who is in Montrose for four months, training with Baker Atlas. Guidedog took the two newbies out and nursed them round in his usual avuncular (look it up) manner. Chris Doan (we need a nickname for him - any suggestions?) won the sweepie with a net 73, one stroke ahead of JR, and a further stroke ahead of the incredibly unlucky Guidedog, who had four three putts going out, a seven at the 11th after driving into the bushes up the left, and three of the worst lies ever seen on a golf course. Mike Gove played quite well, but NR at the 10th did him, and young Matt hit the ball a mile, in any direction you like (but not always in the direction he would like). You had to feel sorry for him on his first full round of golf in Scotland, to be in danger of frostbite by the end. Still, he birdied the 4th and 6th, so he had some warm memories afterwards. No-one had much to talk about afterwards, apart from JR who slotted a tram liner from at least 25 feet at the last for a haste ye back birdie. Mr Magoo was particularly quiet, following a nightmare finish after a promising start. CSS for the day looks like being 73.

A Scot(t) Wins The Masters! Apr. 15 2013

Once again, the Masters served up a riveting late night finish, and even provided a Scottish winner. Throughout the last hour or so it looked increasingly likely that it would take a play off, involving Adam Scott, Angel Cabrera and Jason Day. Unfortunately Day faded as the darkness came in (get it?) and we were left with a head to head between the first two. Scott let his controlled persona slip quite a bit when he holed that long putt on the last green, and I must confess I had to agree with him. It was a fantastic birdie to finish the final hole of a Major. Surely it was the winning putt. Poor Cabrera, waiting down the fairway knowing exactly what had just happened up on the green. And what a reply by the big Argy. He put his second shot to about three feet and the place went bananas. There was no way he was going to miss his birdie putt.

And the play-off got more and more exciting. Both players made the same mistake with their second shot at the first extra hole, leaving a delicate chip. Angel almost holed his, and Scott's was a bit short, but he managed to get his four foot putt in for a half. At that point, everything pointed to Cabrera winning. Both hit long drives at the second extra hole, both hit the green, Cabrera just missed his putt, Scott holed his, and history was made.

Yes the 2013 Masters will go down in history, for lots of right reasons and a few wrong ones. First Aussie to win the Masters, first long-handled putter to win the Masters, hardly an American in sight, hardly a European in sight (at one point Bernhard Langer was our best placed player). And then there were the penalties: a one shot penalty for slow play to a 14 year-old Chinese amateur playing in his first big tournament, when the last time a pro was penalised was about 20 years ago. Then there was the Tiger Woods saga. Put quite simply, Mr Woods admitted that he deliberately did not drop his ball as close as possible to the point where he had played his original ball, after going into the water at the 15th in round 2. He made a point of dropping it two yards further back, specifically so that he would not repeat his original error. So he cheated. He signed for an incorrect score and therefore he cheated. If you cheat at golf, you are disqualified. Such is the integrity of this American sporting hero that he failed to recognise that, for once, he could do something good for the game that his given him so much - he could have withdrawn, on a matter of principle. No, he played on, and will always be remembered as much for his cheating as for anything else he does in golf. By the way, guys, if he turns up in the Merkie looking for a game on a Saturday, I aint playing with him!

Getting into the swing of things Apr. 24 2013

It now feels as if the new golf season is well and truly under way. The weather is gradually improving, although we have had some pretty strong winds to deal with over the last week. Since the last blog post, there have been four rounds of golf in eight days - now that's much more like it! Not quite the demands of an If Only Tour weekend, but a good sign that at last conditions are improving.

In saying that, last Wednesday we managed only 9 holes on the Old course at Letham Grange before the heavy rain washed us back to the 19th hole. Three days later, Montrose was missed as I took part in the Letham Grange Captain's Drive in, a really enjoyable event that is the traditional kick-off for the new season at LG. The format is Texas Scramble from the white tees, and it is very popular - two teams at every par 4 and par 5 tee. After the Captain drove himself in, we headed for the 14th tee, and our team of pensioners promptly birdied that par 5. We carried on playing beyond our expectations, and were still one under par after six holes. Then age crept in, and we frittered away a few strokes, finishing on four over par, net 65. Only 10 shots behind the winners! Not bad, though, for a team whose age averaged 74, and included a sprightly 61 year old (me).

Back to LG Old on Monday for the third Seniors interclub match, this time against Kirriemuir. The good matchplay form continued, with another win - my partner from the Downfield match, Kym Needle, and I won 5&4, and LG won 4 and a half to 1 and a half. Today, however, we were brought back to earth with a heavy defeat away to Forfar, including a loss by 3&2 for myself and new partner Bob Whyte. Never mind, thoroughly enjoyable company and great steak pie and chocolate and beetroot pie (no kidding) to ease some of the pain.

Looking forward to getting back to Montrose this Saturday. Next week looks busy, with a Merkie two baller and a trip to Cruden Bay with the LG Seniors. Oh, and a wee game around the Glens on Monday for good measure. Happy Days!

A busy (and windy) few days May 3 2013

Sitting here relaxing over a cup of tea, after playing four rounds in the last five days, in some of the coldest and windiest conditions for a long time. It started last Saturday, the 27th April, with the Tom Coulter Cup, a Stableford competition. The Loan Arranger and I, along with young Matt the Aussie (see earlier blogs) set off into a stiff and cold north-westerly breeze. I made the mistake of saying about the sixth or so that I thought that the wind might be easing off. Sure enough, we played the eighth in a flat calm. The Loan Arranger, standing on the eighth green, pointed out that the flag was fluttering again, but this time the wind was coming from the south east. It soon freshened and we in effect we played the whole round into the wind! So I'm pleased to report that the old gunslinger JR came in with a magnificent 34 points in what turned out to be a "reduction only" day as far as handicaps are concerned.

A couple of days later saw the inaugural Letham Grange Monday Club round, for LG Seniors who aren't satisfied with only two rounds each week. Five hardy souls, including yours truly, set off into more cold and blustery weather. All agreed that they'd be back, as "it surely can't get any worse next week".

Tuesday evening saw The Loan Arranger and Guidedog stride out to do battle in the JL Boyd Trophy, the Merkie's two-ball foursome competition. Our opponents were Alan and Joe McDonald, a father and son combination, each playing off a handy 12 handicap. Once again, the wind was cold and from the north west, and the match was all square at the turn. The If Only pair knuckled down on the back nine, in difficult conditions, and ground out a 4 & 3 win, thanks mainly to excellent pitching and putting (even I holed a couple). When is this weather going to warm up?

To finish off, within 12 hours of finishing the two-baller, it was back on the tee for the LG Wednesday Stableford competition around the Glens course. Guess what - it was bitterly cold, with a strong south-easterly. Scoring was good, with the winner on 42 points. I managed 35 points, which should be buffer zone, mainly thanks to a great finish of 3-3- 3. The highlight was the birdie at 17, with a great 7 wood in to five feet. If I ever lose that little club, I might have to give up the game.

Looking forward to Saturday, as the forecast is for a partly-cloudy day, little prospect of rain, and a wind of only 15 mph. It'll be like playing in Paradise.

Paradise Lost May 8, 2013

Well, the weather forecast for Saturday was certainly way off the mark. The wind was as strong as it's been in the past few weeks, blowing right up the first on the Medal. Paradise? More like that other place.

The Loan Arranger must have known what was coming, as he found some urgent stuff to do at work, and called off, leaving two Jims and two Ians to play as a four ball. Just to make sure that there was the maximum level of confusion, Jim Robertson and Ian McIntyre played against Jim O'Donnell and Ian Watson, ensuring that Jim and Ian would win. It was tough going, but the O'Donnell/Watson combination ground out a win, despite a bit of a scare on the back nine, losing a couple of holes when dormie. As an indication of the wind strength, a good drive at the 9th reached the fairway. I hit a good drive then a good three wood to be ten feet short of the green at 18. No comments please about losing my distance with age.

Magically, the wind died on Monday for a round at LG on the Glens. We saw a real highlight when 79 year old Bob Thomson beat his age with a gross 78 - not bad off a handicap of 18. And he was the only one of the whole group who didn't get a birdie! I've saved his scorecard, which we'll get it framed and present it to him later in the season.

Unfortunately, I had to call off a trip to Cruden Bay today (Wednesday), with a stinker of a head cold and a chesty cough that has blighted me all winter. Looking out at the pouring rain as I write this, maybe that was a bit of luck. Back to Montrose on Saturday coming, with a bit of a reunion feel about things, with Tom Murray Magoo returning to the fold from exile at Links Park. Oh yeah, and Census is dropping in from Singapore, so let's hope he brings some sunshine with him. Can't wait.

Census returns May. 16, 2013

Saturday 11th saw the return of Graham Census Robb to links golf, during a week-long visit home from Singapore. This coincided with a distinct improvement in the weather, with a fairly gentle south-westerly breeze and only the occasional shower. The Medal was playing a lot easier after recent rain, although some greens were still bumpy and patchy. Playing in the first qualifying round of the Coronation/Simpson, Census and The Loan Arranger got off to a super start, with TLA birdieing the first and Census replying with a three at the second. Partners Mr Magoo and Guidedog were providing their usual staunch moral support. Indeed, Tom's joke about the balloon family was probably the highlight of his round. TLA then birdied 5 so Census decided to birdie 6. Eventually, TLA and the Guidedog wore down the opposition, turning one up, only for that man Census to react with a 2 at 12, keeping the game tight. Eventually, Guidedog's 5 net 4 at 17 sneaked a 2&1 win for him and TLA. It was nice to see that the usual high standard of gamesmanship was maintained throughout, with plenty of abuse, ridicule and "motivational comments" being made. The second group, of JR, the Rear Gunner and Ians Watson and McIntyre struggled a bit, although the former Pet Shop Boy opened with a fine 3 at the first. Only the Rear Gunner posted a score, and overall The Loan Arranger scooped the first prize with a net 73, leaving Census and Guidedog to split the measly second prize, equal on 75. Census's summary of the day - "it was like I had never been away."

Monday morning saw the weekly wander around LG's Glens course by half a dozen seniors, on a bright, chilly and breezy day (three adjectives in a row!). Last week's winner, Bob Thomson, further supplemented his ex-banker's pension with a fine 38 points, leaving Guidedog once again the bridesmaid, a distant runner up with 35. This set things up nicely for Wednesday, when Census made his annual pilgrimage to LG Old Course to face his old rival Guidedog. Clearly suffering the after effects on a night drinking whisky with his old man (this used to inspire you, Graham), Census was soon reeling under a barrage of pars and bogeys from the short-sighted one, who raced into an early lead. Giddy with the excitement of being three up after four holes, Guidedog saw the warning clouds arrive (literally) and his chances began to wash away with a series of showers that seemed to refresh the ace population counter. Census gradually whittled into Guidedog's lead and finished the front nine with a superb birdie 4, turning only one down. The back nine was all Census, who had the good grace to miss a twenty foot eagle putt at 14 after a majestic second shot. The game was finished with a typical Robb 4 at 16, where Guidedog, at the edge of the green in two took three putts, while Census, 50 yards short of the green, got up and down in two more for par. The more that things change, the more things stay the same. Safe to say, the showers did not spoil an excellent afternoon's golf. A Mixed Bag May 22 2013

The past few days have been fairly busy on the golf front, with a further four games since Census did the business on me last Wednesday. A couple of days later it was back onto the Old Course at Letham Grange, to play in the first round of the Seniors' Knock-Out Competition. My opponent is a tough competitor, Bob Cumming, who has played the course for years, and doubles as the Course Ranger. Bob knows every inch of the layout. Fortunately, he offered to take his buggy out for a spin, an offer that was accepted swiftly. As expected, the match was very close, with Bob usually making good use of his 4 strokes, and there was never more than one hole in it either way all the way round. The Guidedog had a one hole lead playing the last, but Bob used his final stroke to take the game into sudden death. It looked as if I would clinch it at the 19th, comfortably on in two with Bob in the bunker. However, the old Achilles heel struck, and three putts later we were walking to the next tee. At the twentieth hole, the Guidedog was once again comfortably on in two with Bob short of the green. No mistake this time, and two putts saw the match won. A very close and enjoyable game.

Saturday was scheduled for the second qualifying round for the Coronation and Simpson Trophies. Guidedog woke up in his kennel feeling awful, aches and pains all over, a splitting headache and feeling lethargic. Then I saw the weather forecast for Montrose later that day - high winds and driving rain. You wouldn't send a Guidedog out in that kind of weather, especially if he didn't have to go, and I certainly didn't need to go. The Loan Arranger did play, early with Gavin Hemsley, carded a 87 to go with his 79 of the previous week, and qualified for the Coronation Tankard. Inside sources suggest that TLA is quietly confident of getting the better of his first-round opponent - Gavin Hemsley. Best of luck, Robert. Census went out later in the day, accompanied by Sandy Phillips, brother of Paddy. They had the worst of the weather, and wisely walked in after nine holes. Rumour has it that Census has had to leave the country again, and has been spotted hanging about, Biggs-like, in various bars in Rio.

Monday was a different story - better weather and feeling better after a couple of days of "rest", ie spending most of Sunday gardening. I have to point out that I am looking after two gardens at the moment, but hopefully not for much longer. It was off down to the Elliot course at Arbroath to play in the Seniors' Interclub match against the Artisans. Lew Proctor, ex-Halliburton and therefore counting Census as a former colleague, and I played a very nice gent called Andy Taylor, and a very competitive gent called Colin Smith. Lew and I combined well and after Guidedog's magnificent two at the seventh, we had built up a three hole lead. "No more Mr Nice Guy" Colin was heard to mutter, and astonishingly it worked. The lead disappeared within three holes. But it was clear to the experienced eyes of the cardiac kids that the opposition had shot their bolt. A steady finishing run of level par better ball golf from the 11th led to us shaking hands on the 17th green, victors by 2&1. Mr Smith muttered "well done, that's the first time that I've lost a match this year", which served only to make the win even sweeter. Modesty aside for a moment, those who have been following these blogs may have noticed that I have played in five Interclub matches so far this year, and won four - that's the kiss of death.

No rest for the retired - the following day, after a morning in the garden, it was off to Montrose to partner TLA in the JL Boyd two ball foursomes. Our opponents were the defending champions, no less - Neil Leslie and Derek "Moose" McHardy. Before we set off, our lovely professional, Jason (maybe one day I'll have a nickname) Boyd revealed his new slimline figure, having lost over two stones. Last weekend he took part in a 10k run in Aberdeen, and came home in the amazing time of 61 minutes and 31 seconds. This is clearly an incredible achievement (although his assistant, Stuart Usain McEwing flew round in 42 minutes and 15 seconds), completed without the use of bikes, taxis or any other form of transport, and Road Runner (new name!) is now clearly an example to us all. Well done that man! But back to our tale - sadly, a tale of woe. Neither TLA nor Guidedog started very well, which is a disaster in this format. Unbelievably, two of the finest players ever to grace the links of Montrose found themselves five holes down after eight. Grown men were heard to weep, and mothers hurried their children indoors to spare them the awful sight. Guidedog's putt for a fine four, net three at the 9th signalled the start of a minor comeback, and the match was fairly even thereafter, but finished on the 16th green, down 3&2. Guidedog tried to console TLA with "Well Robert, at least we were two up for the last eight holes". The banker's reply was short and to the point (a bit like himself, I suppose) - "That's nae bloody use when you're five doon for the first eight." Maybe next year.

The final piece of this saga took place less than 12 hours after the conclusion of that match, when I teed off this morning on the Old Course on the LG Seniors Open. A poor start again - double bogey, bogey, bogey - was soon sorted by much steadier golf for the rest of the round. Keep out of trouble at LG and you'll have a respectable score. Mine would have been respectable, if only I could putt, but three-putting three of the last four holes led to a net 78. This was the Clubhouse lead for about an hour or two, but eventually finished five shots off the pace. CSS for the day was 74, with handicap reductions only - so, another case of what might have been. Bit of a rest for a couple of days now (just babysitting and gardening from the look of things) then it's back on the Medal on Saturday, followed by three rounds on the LG Glens in three days, from Monday. It's hard work, but somebody has to do it.

Busy, busy, busy.... May 29, 2013

Various distractions including the Montrose Music Festival, being on holiday in Madeira and simply not turning up without telling anyone meant that JR and Guidedog were left to do battle around the Medal last Saturday in the Provost Johnston Cup, a Stableford competition. JR decided that the first hole was too short a walk for him, as he hit his tee shot out of bounds and didn't play a provisional ball. The walk back to the tee turned a hole of 391 yards into one of over 800 yards - not a good start. The line of out of bounds post up the right of the first looks very dodgy, and definitely contributed to JR's problem. The round turned into one of those games of two halves, with Guidedog out in a respectable 18 points and back in a miserable 8, while JR struggled with his driving on the way to 8 points going out, then sorted things to come back in a more respectable 15 points. Safe to say, neither troubled the winners, some 10 points better off. Still, it was a most enjoyable day, played in bright sunshine with a deceptively strong south-easterly breeze, and the constant beat from the High Street stage keeping us from falling asleep. WillieMac and The Loan Arranger played in the morning, when the conditions must have been much easier, scoring 33 and 30 points respectively. No doubt there's a tale behind Mr West's 7, 8 finish, which even eclipses Guidedog's last two of 8, 6!

A damp and mizzly Monday morning saw only four LG Seniors venture onto the Glens, and they lasted only nine holes before splashing back in again. The weather was better the following day for the first round of the Glens Senior Knock-out, pitching Guidedog against his erstwhile partner, the giant bearded Aussie, Kym Needle. The sharp one received a massive 10 shots (full handicap difference in the seniors!) from the short-sighted one, and this turned out to be one stroke too many for the myopic pooch, who lost by one hole. Still, it was a terrific match, with never more than a hole in it either way, and played in a great spirit. Wednesday saw a third consecutive round on the Glens, in the LG midweek Stableford competition. This time Guidedog's putter was on its best behaviour, and he scored 37 points, runner up in the seniors' sweep. Time for a rest for a few days, I suspect. Finish on a high.

Some people get the impression that I play a lot of golf - the truth is, I would play a lot more, but there's this new concept that I've invented. I call it the "Golf-Life Balance", where time is set aside from golf for things like gardening, babysitting and even, if there is no alternative, taking Sandra shopping. By the end of May I'll have played 39 games of golf in 2013, slightly fewer than in 2012, and I've worn out the wheels of my Powakaddy. Good old Jason Road Runner Boyd came to my rescue with a decent second hand pair (some story about being rescued from a burn, but maybe best not to ask too much) then proceeded to engage his repertoire of sales techniques, to persuade me that I really need a four hybrid to replace my little-used three iron. I've never tried a hybrid before, but this is the future, I'm told, so I'd better get on with it. Check in next week to find out how I get on.

A couple of interesting characters Jun. 7, 2013

This week I'd like talk about how golf brings you in contact with new people when you play, and describe a couple of characters that I met for the first time this week. I really enjoyed the company of one, and I'm sure I'll enjoy any game that we play in future. The other - well, you'll find out about him in due course, but safe to say I wouldn't mind if we never share a tee again.

I gave the Merkie's Captain's Gala Day a miss this year. It has never been my favourite format, as it doesn't seem to have a proper start with everyone together at the same time, and the finish tends to be a bit of a rabble, with many players having disappeared by the end. Attendance at the Gala Day and the subsequent Cheese and Wine have been declining steadily in recent years, so I suspect that I'm not the only member who feels that it is time for a change. Unfortunately there seems little indication that the organisers recognise the problem as little seems to have changed over the years, and people vote with their feet in these situations.

Enough moaning - to the golf. Six regulars set off around the Glens at Letham Grange bright and early last Monday morning for the regular weekly meeting of the Monday Club (not to be confused with the right-wing Tory pressure group, although some of the views expressed on immigration are common to both). Weather conditions were quite extreme and severely tested the players: very bright sunshine, intense heat and hardly any breeze to cool us off. And sun cream disnae half sting when you get it in yer eyes! I'm pleased to report that one of my partners, Senior Captain Gordon Mitchell won with an excellent 40 points. Renamed Flash Gordon on account of his bright tartan shorts, he was the model of consistency, winning by one point from Bruce Currie. One of Bruce's playing partners took a buggy as he has a painful foot, so Bruce strapped his clubs onto the back of the buggy then played the entire round on foot, proving the point that if you are playing well, golf really is just a walk in the park.

Conditions were similar two days later as the LG Seniors took on the monster that is the Old Course in June, playing in the Club's midweek Stableford competition. The day was warm and still, and the course now has a bit of run in the fairways after a couple of dry weeks. Despite this, scoring was difficult, and the competition was declared "Reductions Only" for handicap purposes, as the course started to show its teeth, with some of the rough getting a bit tough. From my point of view, I played some great matchplay golf in a Stableford competition, which is very frustrating. Putting for birdie on seven or eight greens, but only getting one, at the 16th, I failed to score on four or five holes. The real heartbreaker was the 14th, a shortish par 5. After a good drive, a well-played seven wood left me in a great position about 60 yards short of the green - great course management, I thought to myself. This was promptly followed by a hoiked wedge left of the green into long grass. It took me 10 minutes to find my ball, and a real birdie chance turned into a Eurovision NIL POINTS for the Guidedog. That day I played with Martin Vousden for the first time. Martin has what I regard as my dream job - he is a semi-retired golf journalist. He is currently finishing off a book on the history of golf. In the past he has edited various golf magazines including Today's Golfer, and he still writes and maintains a blog. Here's a link to some of his recent work: http://www.gokart.co.uk/category/blog/martin-vousden/ Martin is great company on the golf course and plays to a 12 handicap. He has helped the LG Seniors with a press release recently, and it looks like he'll be playing with us regularly in the future.

Thursday was another cracking day (am I dreaming this weather, or is it really happening?), and the Seniors from Stonehaven headed south to LG for the inter-club match. This is where I came across the second interesting character of the week. I won't mention his name, but he's a 23 handicapper who hits the ball about thirty yards further than me. That wasn't the problem - after all, most of the people reading this probably hit the ball thirty yards further than me. No, the problem manifested itself on the first tee. At first, my partner Bob and I couldn't believe our eyes. After a couple of waggles of the driver, he stood perfectly motionless over the ball for at least thirty seconds then let loose with his swing. I went to put my driver away and set off down the fairway when I realised that he hadn't actually hit his ball - that was his practice swing! Yes, he was practising standing perfectly still over the ball, because he did exactly the same again, at least thirty seconds over the ball, before he finally hit it. He did this for every single shot, all the way round. After two holes, his partner took us to one side, apologised for the amount of time being taken, and explained that this is the guy's routine, and he has actually speeded up over the last year. It used to be 45 seconds! It turned out to be a close match, with never more than one hole in it either way, even though it took till the 13th before a hole was halved. I could sense that my partner was getting upset, with the time being taken and the distance that this guy was hitting the ball, and he said "Jim, I'm getting fed up giving lots of shots to younger men who hit the ball miles further than I do." My response was "Bob, there are a lot of trees between here and the end of this round, be patient." And we were, and we kept the ball out of trouble, and they didn't and despite giving the 23 handicapper 9 strokes, we won fairly comfortably 2&1 by the end. Bob was ecstatic. Unfortunately we were the only LG pair to win their game that day, so we stood a little taller at the after-match get together. After the meal, my partner Bob was surprised when Gordon presented him with a framed version of his scorecard from the 6th of May, the day when Bob, at the age of 79, shot a gross 78 around the Glens course. I'm sure that there was a little tear in his eye when he accepted his memento of the day he beat his age. That's the sort of thing that's great about senior golf. Maybe I'll do it one day.

A week of highs and lows Jun. 17, 2013

Let's get a few things clear from the start: one them was a 12 handicapper who hit the ball as far as I do. The other played off 27, and was a better putter than me. My partner and I both played pretty well, racking up four birdies between us. But at the end of last Monday afternoon's round, there was no escaping the reality of it - Guidedog had been beaten by two women!! It took place in the annual Seniors vs Ladies match at Letham Grange, and we tried our best, we really did. However, Angela Crabb, who is powerful enough to play using gents clubs, was just too good for us. We can complain about the fifty yards difference between white and red tees, about the way that the ladies chattered non-stop about nothing in particular, and all the bad breaks that we had on the greens - we were gubbed, and that's it. Fortunately, the other gents in the team avoided our fate, and the Gents retained the trophy for the eighth year in a row.

Moving on to Friday, the big game of the week - a tie against Alec Tucker in the Seniors knock-out over the Old Course. Alec is an 11 handicapper just moved up from Kent, where he played at Princes (usually) and Royal St George's (occasionally), in between working on Viagra for Pfizer. You can make up your own jokes at this point, but when I saw the draw, I knew I would be in for a hard one. Fortunately, I played some of the best golf of the year so far, helped enormously by two new clubs - hybrid 3 and 4 irons. The game was tight on the front nine, with Guidedog one up, but an excellent back nine of one over par through to the fifteenth saw the match end 4&3 in my favour. I was five over par for the fifteen holes played, and really chuffed. Alec's comments are unprintable, but he did mention heading to Montrose to burn down Jason Boyd's shop in retaliation. Mr Boyd, as I have said previously, you have failed in your responsibilities, in that you did not insist that I use hybrids years ago. Never mind, better late than never. By the way, Road Runner has improved his PB for the 10k run, completing the Montrose race in 55 minutes, an enormous 6 minutes better than his Aberdeen time. What a man!

Sunday dawned sunny and warm, fitting conditions for the grand match in the Mansewood Greensomes between JR and Radar Watson, matching their skills against those of Mr Magoo and Guidedog. The front nine was a thing of beauty, as the underdogs put JR and Radar to the sword, and reached the tenth tee one up. Playing well, and full of confidence, what could possibly go wrong on the back nine? Well, it was a new experience for me, to lose every single hole played from 10 to 15, thereby losing the match 5 & 3. The wheels well and truly came off, but all credit to the winners, who played well as a team, even though the verbal abuse suffered by poor JR at the hands of Radar was something to behold. Good luck in the next round guys.

Today, Monday, was another glorious summer morning. Seven members of the LG Monday Club wandered around the Glens, and by the end Bob Thomson's pension received its usual weekly boost, thanks to his 39 points, with the rest of the pack shooting mid-thirties on a perfect day for low scoring.

Finally, I must mention Justin Rose, who kept me and most of the golf fans in the UK up till 1 am last night before winning the US Open with a stylish finish. Tough luck on Big Lefty, who performed with his usual mixture of disasters and heroics, but British golf received a big boost with Rosie's win. Unfortunately, Colin Montgomerie spoiled things by repeatedly telling everyone that this was the first win for a Brit at the US Open since Tony Jacklin in 1970 - so McIlroy and MacDowell, as Northern Irishmen, don't count as British? Sorry Colin, yet another example of you being a total numpty. Congratulations to Justin on his excellent golf (what a way to play the 18th) and super speech at the presentation of the trophy. There's a man who understands the art of presenting yourself to the public. Eleven days, five rounds and a tale of taking the plunge... Jun. 30, 2013

It's been a fairly busy couple of weeks, with five rounds played in the last eleven days. On four different courses. Thank goodness for my Garmin GPS that Santa brought last Christmas. It has made a big difference to my game - now I know that I definitely hit the ball a lot shorter than I used to years ago. I checked my golfing diary, and I've played 51 times since the 1st of January, which seems a lot, but averages just two rounds a week - every week. Not bad, considering that there were two quiet months in that - January and March, with just 4 rounds each, due to bad weather and man flu.

The five rounds included two Seniors' interclub matches, and I was beaten in both, which was disappointing. We lost at the last hole at home to Forfar (where one of the opposition was Ian Fisken, the motor man), when we fought back from 2 down with 3 to play to all square playing the last, only to lose the 18th, where my five was worse than the Forfar 17 handicap bandit's 5, as he had a stroke. The other match was at Downfield, again a close affair, losing 2&1. I'm not one to moan (oh yes I am!), but in those 35 competitive holes, my playing partners contributed on one hole each. How I miss having a reliable partner like Dyson or Census, who let me have a little sleep part way round, and I can have a little rest. Seriously, the Seniors matches are good fun, and good value for money. We pay £10 to play in a match, whether it is home or away. Downfield charges a visitor £59 for a single round. For our £10 we get that round of golf plus a two course meal afterwards! It is subsidised by money from our weekly sweepstake, but the big factor is getting the "courtesy of the course" as a visiting team.

Downfield has always been one of my favourite courses, and it is in magnificent condition at the moment, if you get a chance to play it. Beautiful lies on every hole, and the best greens I've played on this year. There are plenty of water hazards too, as this little story relates. Over the years, I've seen plenty of golf balls and even the occasional golf club end up in the water on a golf course, but at Downfield last week, I saw the Full Monty - full set of clubs, bag and Powakaddy all took the plunge at the 11th, aptly named "Paddler's Joy". It happened in the match ahead of us. The 11th is a par 5 off the whites, a long par four off the yellows, which the Seniors use. Most guys lay up short in two, which is what both the Letham Grange players did. Unfortunately, being elderly, they make the odd mistake, and one guy (Eddie) parked his Powakaddy in front of his partner's ball. His partner (Bruce) decided to move the Powakaddy a few yards before playing his wedge shot to the green. However, he was not familiar with this particular model, and didn't realise that simply touching the handle activated the motor. By the time he had played his shot, he looked round to see Eddie's gear take the plunge into the adjacent pond. A Powakaddy, bag, full set of clubs and 10 gallons of water is a fair old weight, and they had to retrieve it all in bits. Meanwhile we were standing in the middle of the fairway, wetting ourselves with laughter. That was the end of the game for the poor victim, and Eddie made his soggy way back to the clubhouse, gear soaked and battery knackered, thoroughly pissed off. The strange thing is, his partner played on, on his own, and beat the home players at the 17th! Now some of the LG guys are starting to get suspicious, with the suggestion that the caddy car was sent into the pond deliberately, so that Bruce could get rid of his useless partner. Eddie was my partner in the aforementioned game against Forfar, so I have some sympathy with Bruce.

Most recently, I played the Medal at Montrose for only the second time in June, partnered by Mr Magoo. Tom and I had a wonderful conversation for a full four hours. Well, Tom did most of the talking and I did most of the listening, but it was a delight. A delight, that is, apart from the moment when a ball landed about three yards to the right of us as Mr Magoo played from the middle of the 14th fairway. The young man from the Royal playing behind "didn't think that he would reach us" when he drove off. A little further left, not only would he have reached us, he would have killed one of us. His apology at the 15th tee was met with a stony silence. Oh, and I forgot to enter the competition, another sign of the onset of Old Timer's disease. Well, I went to the computer to sign in, but three guys were lined up to enter their scores, so I picked up a card, meaning to come back later. But I forgot, until I was on the second tee. The Medal is in true links condition at the moment, the ball just runs and runs and runs and runs, fairways the colour of straw and rough that you could lose a small child in. Or a small dog, as Tom and I can vouch for, as our tee shots at the 6th were delayed while we tried to help the owner of little Robbie the black pooch get her mutt back up a vertical cliff face from the beach below. Justin Rose doesn't have to deal with stuff like this, I'm sure.

Quieter week ahead, with just a couple of games on the cards. The weather continues to be great, warm and dry, with plenty of blue skies, unlike a certain city in the Far East which was shrouded in smoke, we hear. Out at half eight tomorrow morning, so better head for bed.

A good score, at last! Jul. 15, 2013

It's been a couple of weeks since my last little chat, and boy, this weather just goes from strength to strength. I reckon that we've enjoyed a real, proper summer this year, with sunshine almost every day from late May to date. And it shows no sign of ending in the next few days. This has meant that the golf courses are becoming firmer, harder and trickier, especially as the rough thickens. Montrose Medal fairways are now the colour of burnt straw, the rough looks like a scene from a David Attenborough documentary on the wildlife of the African savannah (expect a lion to pop out of the rough on the 15th), and the tees and greens are splendid little islands of green. Letham Grange is changing too, but not so obviously. There are no real damp places left as a result of the weather, the ball rolls further on the fairways (well, it rolls on the fairways, which it hasn't done for a couple of years now), and scoring is easier if you keep out of the thick trouble. It doesn't really get much better than this - I'll have to keep reminding myself when I struggle round in late Autumn, teeth chattering as the rain comes in sideways.

Most of the golf this month has been played at LG. The Glens is always a super little challenge, and our Monday Club is well supported. We usually play an individual Stableford, but if the numbers allow, we'll have a team competition for a bit of variety. The highlight on the Glens so far this month has been a win in the Club 4-ball better ball, with my partner Archie Pullar, who used to manage the tatties part of Grampian Growers (if you have a tattie question for Archie, just let me know and I'll pass it on - no problem). We were drawn against a couple of the big boys - one had just won the Club handicap championship off a 15 handicap, and the other was the widest 8 handicapper I've seen for a long time. Lovely guys, they just couldn't handle the experience of our pairing (combined age 128). All square after 18, in a really close game, yours truly skelped a 4 hybrid to the back of the 19th green and laid the putt stone dead. Our younger opponents' nerves must have got the better of them, as the best they could manage was five. We were the talk of the steamie for a couple of days afterwards. 4BBB - the greatest format in golf, in my humble opinion.

Just to show you what I'm up against playing in the Seniors at LG, our game this morning saw six players compete in an individual Stableford, and I was last with 39 points! Tough schoolie or what? The Old Course is very enjoyable, although they do put some of the white tees in awkward positions at times (ie as far back as they possibly can). We arrived eventually at the 17th tee, for example, when Bob Thomson declared "Jeez, I'm almost in Arbroath." Think that's bad, wait till you try the blue tees.

Only one game in July so far at Montrose, but there are a couple of tales to tell. Six went out to play in the Beaton Rosebowl, which apparently I won some time in the dim and distant past. I was partnered by JR and David, Census's mate from Stirling. Playing in front were The Loan Arranger, Dode "The Committee" McCallum and Ian McIntyre. After a shaky start, including a 7 at the fourth thanks to a lost ball off the tee, I steadied the ship, and had back to back birdies at the sixth and seventh. Out in 40, a nice steady start to the back nine got us to the 13th, where we attracted the attention of four teenagers at the green. They watched carefully as we putted out, then they headed off up the fourteenth. We drove off, and as we set off from the tee, the four little b******s ran across the fairway and stole my ball and David's. Not sure why they didn't nick JR's - maybe they were scared of lions. Undaunted by this we continued and I somehow managed to scramble a four, trying desperately to concentrate and not to listen to JR calling the pro's shop, asking for police back-up (which never appeared, of course). By the time we reached the 18th tee, I needed a four for a net 69, which would have been my best score for a while. My best drive of the day left me about seventy yards to the pin. Nerveless (ha ha), I popped a little wedge onto the green to about twenty feet. With a head full of positive thoughts (for God's sake, don't three putt), I rolled a lovely putt into the back of the hole. Back in 39, net 68 and cut from 11 to 10! Happy days are here again! Good to see Dode again, and he's coming to Scotscraig. For more If Only details, see the Tour section.

Looking forward to the Open this week, which will be a real test if the wind blows, as the course will be running fast, with thick rough. Mickleson impressed at Castle Stuart, winning the Scottish, Rose's confidence must be sky high, so who will win? How about another Englishman - surely it's Luke Donald's turn? Let me hear what you think.

Mudskipper

This is what a real mudskipper looks like. Makes me look handsome! A slightly taller version was spotted at the 8th hole on Letham Grange one Saturday in July.

Mickleson, muddy feet and Guidedog's lowest score - ever... Jul. 23, 2013

Well folks, we've managed to pack a lot into the past few days. Four rounds of golf, a brief visit to a pond and big Phil Mickleson won the Open. And a low score, just to top things off.

The old Guidedog has been playing well for a few weeks now, but was still unhappy with his putting. Come to think of it, I can't think of many golfers I know who are happy with their putting. So it was time for the fancy Scotty Cameron to have a rest, and my old faithful Odyssey Rossie to get some fresh air and show its paces once again. This is a great putter, I've realised, because it has lines on the top and base of the head that, if you align them, guarantee that the face of the blade is square at address. It's amazing how many putts go in the hole when hit by a square face. This has meant that my scoring and my confidence has improved, although nothing in golf is guaranteed, as you'll hear. Unfortunately, the Rossie was a bit cool last Wednesday, as I managed only 34 points in a Stableford, and the handicap slipped up by 0.1, to 10.3. However it redeemed itself on Saturday.

Saturday was the day of the Montrose Pro-Am, so The Loan Arranger and Census made their pilgrimage to the Old Course at Letham Grange, lured by the prospect of playing off the Tiger Tees and using their vastly superior distance off the tee to make mincemeat of the geriatric Guidedog (you can see where this is going already, can't you!). A beautiful morning saw us start with three cracking drives off the first and a very respectable three pars. The game remained tight until the fourth, where we downed a cool beer in Guidedog's back yard. Here I received the first of my five strokes. A one-putt par was good enough to give me four skins. Census picked up a skin at the fifth with a bogey (poor hole), the sixth was halved in par, and then Guidedog added two skins with a net par at the tricky seventh. Census and TLA kindly halved the par three 8th, played from the blue tee with a 180 yard carry across the pond. I was distracted momentarily by a little accident at the edge of the pond. I should explain that the dry weather has exposed a lot of the bottom of the pond, including the spot where my ball cruelly landed after clearing the pond then bouncing back in. Believing that my lightweight frame would easily skip over the mud, I went to retrieve my ball, only to plunge my foot into the glaur, halfway up my calf. My companions proved their true qualities of friendship by rolling around, pissing themselves with laughter while I floundered about. Undaunted, I took a penalty drop and chipped and putted for a four, with the words "Ye needn't think that we're playing with a tramp" ringing in my ears. The 9th was halved, and Guidedog picked up three more skins at 10, where he was the only one to reach the green in two - Last Man Standing. I also won the 11th, with a net birdie, then had a wee rest for a few holes while the TLA woke from his slumbers and started to play some golf. A birdie at 14 for TLA was followed by two more for the ageing banker at 16 and 17. Fortunately Guidedog was able to put the whippersnapper in his place by winning the last hole, leaving the final score 11 all to TLA and Guidedog, with Census trailing a long way off.

The magic of Saturday became the misery of Sunday when I was knocked out of the LG Seniors on the Old Course. My opponent, Mike Carson, plays off 16 and hits the ball a country mile (a familiar description in these blogs), and I was in the position of having to shoot birdies to keep the game going. This couldn't last, and Mike closed the game out on the 16th green, having "played some of the best golf of my life" - thanks Mike, I'm really pleased that I was there to watch. Monday saw a third round in three days, around the Glens, where I shot 72 gross, which I think is the lowest score I've had. It gave me 41 Stableford points, and second place, a mere 4 behind Bob Thomson's 45 points off 19 handicap. Tough schoolie, make no mistake.

Finally, I have to pay tribute to Phil Mickelson after that superb final round in the Open Championship. Robert, is it too late to invite him to play in this year's If Only at Scotscraig? The BBC's coverage of his outward nine holes was shameful. He was two under par for the first nine, and barely featured on the TV coverage. However, even the BBC had to waken up eventually to what was happening, stop showing Tiger Woods playing like a bad-tempered granny and start showing a true golfer, who knows how the game should be played. Mickelson's last six holes will get all the attention, and rightly so. However, the tournament covers 72 holes, and he played solidly for four rounds. I have to admit feeling an affinity to any professional golfer who can four putt - I don't feel so lonely, all of a sudden. You have to feel sorry for Lee Westwood, but you can't win the Open from the bunkers - I don't know what his ideas were on judging distances and where he wanted his ball to land, but he got that horribly wrong, I'm afraid. So that's it for another year. Back to the auld claes and parritch for a while.

The Loan Arranger defies the circus and shoots low Jul. 28, 2013

Wednesday 24th's round off the whites on the Glens started off in the mist and gloom, but this burned off within half an hour, leaving a warm, at times sultry, morning for the rest of the round. Unfortunately the same mist didn't really lift for any time at Montrose, and as a result the Montrose Open lost a day of competition and had to carry over into Saturday - more of this later! Guidedog played fairly well, but the usual consistency disappeared big time, with a 7 and two 8's spoiling the card, so no continuation of last week's fireworks. I played with Dave Darnell, who is a member at Royal Montrose as well as at LG. Dave is pretty relaxed on the course, so laid back in fact that he even laughs when he drives out of bounds. Such strength of character!

The following Saturday was a busy day at Montrose in lots of ways. On the face of it, it should have been a routine Saturday medal. However, the combined efforts of the Montrose Air Station Centenary Fly-In (to give it its full title, I looked it up) and the extended Montrose Open Finals Day meant that the whole nature of the day changed. Instead of the usual relaxed stroll around the links, playing our own version of millionaire's golf, blethering like a bunch of fishwives and generally having a great time, it became something like Monty Python's Flying Circus. Overhead, endless streams of flying machines (biplanes, monoplanes, microlites, autogyros and that sort of stuff) buzzed the golf course incessantly, doing nothing for the concentration. Meanwhile, on the ground, the three Open finals were playing behind our three ball and catching up fast. Mr Magoo, TLA and I were preceded by Radar Watson and JR, who were stuck behind the slowest three ball in the history of golf (no names, no pack drill, whatever that means). As if the overhead distractions were not enough, another endless stream, this time spectators, poured out onto the links to watch the finals. Despite the fact that most are experienced golfers, they wandered around like a flock of lost sheep, apparently oblivious to my efforts to hit a fairway or green in regulation. Honestly, it was almost farcical at times. Indeed, Mr Magoo had just completed a questionnaire before teeing off, in which he declared that he was perfectly content with life. In the course of four hours, he turned into Mr Grumpy. Just as an aside, one of Tom's jokes from the round: statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy. Almost inevitably the distractions took their toll, with Mr Magoo having to hit some brilliant "three off the tee drives" and Guidedog three putting his way to misery. Tom took on the David Attenborough role for the rest of the round, spotting a stoat chasing a rabbit early on, and then two baby deer on the 11th hole. Asked how to distinguish a stoat from a weasel, he replied "One is weasily wecognised, the other is stoatally different." But hang on a minute, what was the TLA up to? In the midst of the havoc, he was playing very steadily, even quite well at times. Back to back birdies at five and six, with another at eight saw him out in 34. The back nine was always going to be more difficult, due to the wind direction, but he held it together in magnificent style, despite the odd errant drive and daft three putt (at the Pouderie). A terrific second shot at the last from thick rough up the left into the heart of the green left him with two putts for a two over par 73, and the putter duly obliged. It was a great round of golf, which should ensure that TLA will be playing off the same handicap as Census and Dyson at Scotscraig. Mr Magoo and I had to agree that the score was all the more impressive given the never-ending distractions surrounding the game. Well done Roberto, hopefully you'll have lifted the Findlay Badge with your 40 Stableford points.

Getting out of jail bigtime Aug. 18, 2013

A bit of catching up to do, as it's been almost three weeks since my last posting. However, we did have the If Only at Scotscraig, and that is reported elsewhere. I'm still looking for more pictures and stories from the day, fellows. The headline in the Seniors Gazette told it all - "Thomson Toppled at last!". The points machine that is Bob Thomson finally met his match one lovely sunny Monday on the Glens recently, when yours truly went a bit daft and romped home with 42 points to pick up the cash. 73 gross did the trick, but it was merely an appetiser for what was to happen the following day. Round two of the LG Glens four ball better ball featured surprise winners from round 1, O'Donnell and Pullar (the Tattie King) against the immoveable force that is the Kubicki brothers, Mark and Dennis. Mark is the steadiest of steady 5 handicappers and big brother Dennis is a bandit off 15, hitting the ball for miles most times. Archie and I started quite well, got one up then lost a couple of holes promptly to slip behind. Despite our best efforts (and we did play well) we just couldn't get back to square on the back nine. Archie missed a chance on 16 when his putt for a two missed by inches, but he reassured me that he had every confidence that we would do it in the last two holes. Standing on the 17th tee, we were one down, but Mark had to give the other three a stroke. Guidedog aimed up the left of the fairway and let rip, only to see his ball run off into a bush. Not looking good! Archie was in the trees on the right, and could only hope for a 5 at best. Forced to take a penalty drop, the ageing pooch found himself 178 yards from the middle of the green - time for the four hybrid, methinks. What a peach of shot it turned out to be, arcing gracefully with a touch of draw, to finish ten feet short of the pin in three. Dennis and Archie were out of it by this time, and Mark had a solid par four. Archie couldn't look as I managed to squeeze the ball into the hole – four net three and all square with one to play. The last is a fairly short par three, and everyone hit the green, with Mark closest, about ten feet away, while my ball was a couple of feet further away, on a similar line. Dennis and Archie got the threes, and the situation was set - as Ewan Murray would say, "a classic matchplay scenario. You feel that if the first to putt misses, then the other guy will hole his. Or vice versa..." And vice versa really happened - my putt for a two was never off line, and Mark's slid past. Archie and I stared at each other - we couldn't believe that we had just won, pulling an unlikely victory out of the fire. The Kubickis were generous in defeat, but it must have hurt. For the second time this summer, the senior partners were the talk of the steamie. I walked into the golf shop a couple of days later, only for the Club secretary to talk me exactly through the last two holes, and he hadn't been there. Amazing how news travels.

The most recent trip to the Medal saw only three of us set off at our usual time - JR, Ian McIntyre and myself - while The Loan Arranger played earlier in the day, but paused at the first tee to offer words of encouragement, such as "That wind seems to be getting up now" and "Well, that was a 78 gross, 73 net, and I didn't hole a putt worth the name." Mr Magoo and The Rear Gunner were at Links Park for their sins, while Radar Watson was saving himself for the final of the Handicap Cup the following day. Unfortunately Ian lost at the last, but he has played particularly well this season. The company was fine and the golf was mixed. Unfortunately none of us managed to play particularly well, JR matching my score, and Ian coming in with a 74. However, I managed quite a feat - gross 88, net 77, CSS 72 - but no change to handicap thanks to a 10 at the sixth and a 7 at the eighth. Someone in Club afterwards asked me how I managed to score a 10. "Easy" I replied, "I missed a three footer for a 9!"

The Seniors interclub matches have resumed, and last Tuesday LG hosted the mighty Cruden Bay on the Old Course. My partner Bob Cumming and I started off steadily and got our noses in front early on. However, opponent Bill Stewart, a mean 12 handicapper, played LG's version of Amen Corner, 7 to 10, in level par, to put them three up. My rare birdie at 11 (435 yards into the wind, stroke index 2) was a mere sticking plaster trying to staunch an open wound, and although we hung on, we eventually lost 3&2 to the better team on the day. On the plus side, the match ended in a creditable 3-3 draw, boosting the LG guys' confidence for their forthcoming match at Montrose against the Merkie seniors. I'll not take part in that match, citing "conflict of interest", as experience has taught me that this is a no- win situation, no matter how I play or who I play for.

It's not just about me Aug. 25, 2013

To start off this week, here's a round-up of news from some of the If Only squad, as best your roving reporter can find out. I mentioned previously that Ian "Radar" Watson had lost in the final of the Merkie Handicap Cup. Ian started off five holes down against Richard Wink, and in his words "made the mistake of chasing him, instead of playing my own game." The gap widened to seven, then Radar clawed it back to one down, but couldn't quite clinch it at the 18th. Bad luck, Radar, but I do feel that the format of the Handicap Cup is particularly difficult, especially if full handicap difference is given. In fact this competition looks to me like the revenge of the high handicappers on the low boys, who usually set up competitions to suit the better golfer, such as "three quarters difference" and so on. That explains why you rarely see this format in many clubs, I suspect.

Another losing finalist recently was The Loan Arranger, who put up a valiant defence of his DJ Wood Trophy title. Playing John Lloyd, Roberto played well but was putted off the course by a man who won holes from the most unlikely of places, making a mockery of the idea that you keep the ball in play in matchplay, and wait for your opponent to make mistakes. Considering that he plays off 5, TLA's performance in getting to the final in consecutive years was almost as remarkable as Mr Lloyd's, who clinched the game out in the country with a putt of approximately 80 feet (Robert counted his paces) down a two-tier green. The phrase "farting against thunder" could have been invented for this one. Then there is our favourite former Pet Shop Boy, JR Robertson, who had a great day at the Merkie 4 Ball Better Ball Open last Sunday. In the clubhouse to help with the event, JR was approached by Andy Boyd to see if he fancied playing, as a last-minute entry. "OK,” said JR, "let's go for it." Well, what a day the bionic man had. He and Andy won the handicap section with a 65, and JR showed a fantastic range of skill, picking up Nearest the Pin at the 12th and Longest Drive at the 15th. This all added up to over £160 worth of prizes, so look out for some fancy new gear in the bag the next time you see Montrose's version of Neil Tennant. Well done, Jim.

Meanwhile, what has old Guidedog been getting up to? Well, a Monday morning on the Glens turned out to be most un-Guidedog like, with none of the Steady Eddie stuff. Instead, we had back-to-back birdies, shanks, drives duffed into bushes in front of the tee and such like. So it was with some trepidation that I set out the next day in the quarter final of the LG 4BBB with partner Archie the Tattie King. Our opponents were two other seniors, Dave Dawson, the course manager, and "JCB" Vannet, whose digger has helped to improve irrigation on both LG courses over the past 12 months. It turned out to be very similar to earlier rounds - very close, with Archie and I rarely ahead. In fact, this one went to the 19th, where unfortunately we lost, when Arch three putted while JCB pitched and putted for a four and the win. Ah well, we had a good run, and we'll give it a go again next year.

Saturday the 24th saw the haar roll in at Montrose, so TLA and Guidedog headed to LG for a bounce game on the Old Course. Walking down the first fairway, TLA regaled me with a detailed account of his tussle in the final of the DJ Wood (see above), a move that he was soon to regret. Inspired by Mr Lloyd, the geriatric pooch did something he has never managed before - he birdied both the first and second holes, to stun the big-hitting financier. TLA played the 3rd beautifully to pick up his first birdie of the day - the better ball score was looking very good at this stage. Both got pars at the difficult fourth, which Guidedog won with his stroke, then TLA's two at the fifth pulled him back to only one down. Four birdies in the first five holes - could they keep this up? Don't be silly - Guidedog pulled his drive left at the sixth, blocked out by those pesky trees that grow all over the place, and couldn't reach the green in three. TLA's regulation par 5 squared the game, only for him to go one behind at the seventh when he too went off line from the tee. The lovely 8th was halved in par threes, but Guidedog threw away his one hole advantage on 9, despite having a stroke. TLA hit the longest drive ever seen (by me, at any rate) at this difficult par 5, while I managed to tug my second into the trees left from a perfect position in the middle of the fairway. I was playing a Titleist 2, and we found three of them in the long grass, but none was mine. A par 5 for TLA was enough to square the match at the turn. The better ball was three under par at this point. Ten was halved in bogey, as both missed short par putts, and eleven was also halved, when the TLA holed a good putt for a par to match Guidedog's net four. TLA was kicking himself at twelve when he missed a fairly short putt for his second 2 of the round, but his 3 was enough to win the hole after Guidedog's wayward tee shot. The tables were turned on the 13th green, when Guidedog missed an eminently holeable birdie putt, letting TLA hold on to his one hole advantage. Another massive drive at 14 helped Robert go two up with a par 5, and he went dormie at the 15th with a par three. Three holes won out of four - that's how to turn a match around. Things went a bit awry for the former Blairgowrie scrum half, as he skelped two balls into the trees right, off the 16th tee, and he also tangled with trees on 17, where Guidedog demonstrated his mastery of the golf swing by announcing that he would fade a seven wood around the trees for his second shot, then stood up and did just that. One down on the final tee, with a stroke coming - I must be the favourite here! TLA's drive was perfect, middle of the fairway, but my little left to right slider meant that I was blocked out. Never mind - my shot from the last hole just had to be repeated to keep the pressure on. Guess what - it went as straight as a die, buried deep in trees on the other side of the fairway, no sign of a fade. TLA hit a peach of a second on to the green and holed out for a splendid par, and a two up win. A great game, pity about the drizzle that set in after five holes. The better ball score slipped a bit on the tough back nine, and we ended up level par for the round.

Looking forward, the next few days should see me playing on four different courses - Glens, Kirriemuir in the seniors' interclub, LG Old and Montrose. Hard work, I hear you say, but I'll struggle through it, I'm sure.

Lucky Numbers Sep. 1 2013

Three games on three different courses last week, and it would have been four on four if the weather hadn't decided to blow a hooley at Montrose on Saturday. The LG Monday Club set out in cool and misty conditions, with seven players taking part. Bruce Currie played with two guests, guys he was at school with in Monifieth about a hundred years ago. Some memory they must have - I can't remember what I had for my dinner last night. My partner was the ever-reliable Bob T, playing against a dangerous pairing of Mike and Lew, 16 and 15 handicap respectively. Well, to put it bluntly, we were put to the sword by an excellent combination of good golf and better gamesmanship. The pair had three twos between them (we had nane at a'). We shook hands somewhere out in the country, and paid up with a teeth- gritted "Well played". Mike shared the overall spoils with Bruce's mate Bob from Worthing, who headed off at high speed to spend his Scottish money south of the border.

On Wednesday, it was the Old Course at LG, off the white tees, with the course playing particularly hard. No obvious reason, as the weather was OK, although the rough has started to grow again after the July warm spell. In the end, I ended up with only 25 Stableford points, which wasn't too bad, considering that I failed to score on SIX holes. The above Bruce Currie won - in fact he matched my 25 points after he had played 10 holes, and finished with 36. It goes to show how tough the course was playing when no handicaps were adjusted upwards - reductions only.

Sandwiched between these two rounds was a trip to Kirriemuir, to play against their seniors. It's been a few years since I last played there, but it all came flooding back - awkward lies, small, fast greens and slopes and ditches all over the place. The weather was good to start with and roasting hot by the end. We had spectacular views of a thunderstorm in Glen Clova - if you were watching the Johnnie Walker at Gleneagles and thought the scenery was good, you should see the Angus Glens from the fairways of Kirrie on a summer's day - glorious.

My partner Bob C (a different Bob from the previous day) and I realised that we were in for a tough day when one of our opponents (the 13 handicapper) put his second shot at the first to six inches from the hole. It continued like this for the rest of the outward nine, and we turned three down against a pair that was one over par. The eighth hole at Kirrie has a little plaque beside the tee, telling a remarkable story that many may not be aware of. On the eighth of August 2008, yes 08/08/08, two members playing together at the eighth hole each had a hole in one. This story should go down a storm in China, where 8 is considered a lucky number and 888 is even luckier. No such luck for us, but we made a better fist of things on the back nine. There was another odd thing at the 13th. Bob C and one of our opponents, John, were both short of the green in two. Bob played first, ballooned his shot skywards and made a despairing "Whoooosh" noise as he played. John's turn - he ballooned his shot, made the same "Whoooosh" noise and his ball finished up nestling up against Bob's. Same shot, same noise, same result. John's cheeky comment "You to play Bob, ha ha" was met with a "Nae bother - Jim, I think I'll play for the 11th tee" from Bob. We won that hole, needless to say (no, Bob didn't smash John's ball towards the 11th tee. I got a par instead.). Unfortunately, we lost 2&1, despite our spirited fightback. For those who haven't been to Kirrie for a while, the last hole hasn't changed - a long par four with a tree in the middle of the fairway and a gully as deep as the Mariana Trench with a bunker at the bottom. There was plenty of solace in the clubhouse, in the form of a couple of pints of Ossian Thrappledouser from the Inveralmond Brewery and a delicious home-made steak pie.

No play for me on Saturday, as the forecast was for strong winds, and I struggle a bit against the breeze these days. Never mind, I mustn't complain - I reckon that I've clocked up about 75 rounds in the year to date.

Tough going this week as autumn approaches Sep. 8, 2013

No easy start to the week on Monday - instead of a leisurely stroll around the Glens, it was into the white heat of battle, on LG Old against the Brechin seniors. Playing in match 1, I was partnered by Capt Gord, the seniors' leader at LG, playing off 18. The weather was bright but very breezy (it stayed like that for the rest of the week). Our opponents were a stuffy pair, 9 and 10 handicap, and we started off level for a few holes. Gord and I sneaked ahead but promptly lost three holes in a row to find ourselves two down after 10. I managed a good par 4 at 11 (net three), but we kept losing the next hole every time we won one (I could have written that a bit better, couldn't I?). I managed to hole a good 12 footer for a half at 13, then Gord had a magnificent birdie four at 14 - only one down. We halved 15 in par threes, then I belted a 4 hybrid to eight feet to win 16 and square the game. However, we three putted 17 to lose it to par - one down playing the last. Fortunately Captain Gord had a stroke (golf, not medical) and his solid 5 won the hole and halved the match. A great game played in difficult conditions, loved it. LG won the match four and a half to one and a half.

Wednesday's medal round was on the Glens, where I managed to improve on last week's dismal performance of no points on six holes. This week it was nil points on only four holes, for 34 points to finish nowhere. Handicap up another 0.1. The highlight of my round had to be the 17th, which is fast becoming my "drama" hole, where all sorts of exciting things happen. This week, I hoiked a drive well left, and the ball was heading so far off line that, in the words of David Feherty "a dog wouldn't have found it, even if it was wrapped in bacon". But wait - it hit a tree and rebounded back onto the fairway, finishing 193 yards from the middle of the green. Here we go again: three hybrid went as straight as an arrow, finding the front of the green, about 20 feet from the pin. Jason, these clubs must be illegal! The putt was going nowhere but straight in - birdie three and four Stableford points! The other highlight was a feast of plums on a tree behind the 11th green, just hanging there waiting to be eaten.

Saturday saw us at Montrose for the September Medal. The Coasters have been playing in the morning for most of the summer, but the familiar booming voice of M Taylor announced that, for this week at least, they were just in front of the If Only boys. I was partnered with Ricky Watt and we had a nice stroll around the medal on a sunny day with a strongish south- easterly breeze to make life interesting. The course was in great nick, and the greens were magnificent, even though it took me about five holes to get the pace. I have to admit to a four putt on the fourth, but managed to follow it with a nice three at the next. The irons weren't working well, and I only hit three greens in regulation, and pitched poorly, with a barrowload of sixes. Net 81 was the result, but Radar Watson mastered the tricky conditions to shoot a net 72 to get his handicap cut to 11 - Ian is having a great season, coming down from 14 inexorably (always wanted to use that word). One reason that the course is so good could be that Montrose is hosting the EuroPro Tour this coming week - the big scoreboard is already behind the 18th green. I've seen the highlights of some of this tour on Sky Sports, and it seems to be designed to encourage young professionals. Here's a link to their website: http://www.europrotour.com/

Keep your eyes peeled on Sky to see how the young guns get on. Graeme Brown of Montrose and Willie Bremner from Edzell have entered.

This week should be fun - off to Monifieth Links on Monday, to play against Broughty GC. LG Old Course on Wednesday for a medal round and on Friday the LG Ryder Cup, where I'm playing for the Blues (I think that's Europe). Finally, on Sunday it's the LG Captain's day, a Texas Scramble with a shotgun start. These sort of events are great fun and very sociable, with everyone playing at the same time. Something for the Merkie to think about, perhaps?

Mixing with TV stars and playing in the Ryder Cup Sep. 15, 2013

Lots to talk about this week, so let's kick off with last Monday's visit to Monifieth for an inter-club match with the seniors from Broughty GC. This was my fourth match against Broughty, and I was looking forward to it - three wins so far, all by a big margin. It was a bit different this time, on a day punctuated by occasional showers. Partnered by fellow 11 handicapper Bruce Currie (a native of Monifieth) were played against two guys off 12 - John Douglas (retired North Sea OIM) and Alan Saunders. The latter's name may sound familiar - he was the Grampian TV version of Arthur Montford 20 or 30 years ago. Like Arthur, he favoured a loud check sports jacket, but his real claim to fame were his sideburns. Here's a link to YouTube to remind you what he was like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6PkKow_Bi0

Bruce and I played pretty steadily and Monifieth was in good condition. The fairways were still brown and greens were fast and true. We started slowly (I found six bunkers on the front nine) and were 3 down pretty quickly. We fought back to all square at the turn. The greens obviously suited Mr Saunders, who putted like God's wee brother on the back nine, edging us out by 2&1. Both guys were great company, and Alan, who I played with a couple of times last year, is full of stories about a range of Scottish sporting characters. Bruce had just celebrated his 65th birthday, and produced a bottle of Edradour malt in the clubhouse that everyone enjoyed, to finish off a fine buffet meal.

A couple of days later it was back to LG for a medal Stableford round on the Old Course. The weather was calm and old Guidedog set off pretty steadily, with a good front nine and a great run around LG's Amen Corner - 1 under par from 8 to 11. However, the effort was too much, and the wheels fell off from 12, with only 6 points in the last seven holes, for a total of 32, seven behind the leader, the aforementioned Mr Currie. My highlight was a birdie at 10, where I plopped a seven wood to three feet from the hole. Yes, Jason, I'm still using that wee club, even with those lovely hybrids that you sold me!

Friday was Ryder Cup day for LG Seniors - 16 Reds vs 16 Blues. I was in the Blue team, playing 4BBB with the Blue Captain, Gordon Mitchell. There were 11 matches in total, combining foursomes, 4BBB and singles. We played on the Glens, which favoured the higher handicappers, and the whole event was very well organised, and played in a great atmosphere, with plenty of banter. We had some cheerleaders (well, cheer ladies, really), as some of the wives came out to follow the matches. We even had a half way scoreboard. Gordon and I started off our match brilliantly, winning the first five holes, and reaching the turn seven up, two under par. Inevitably we won soon afterwards, 7&6, getting Gordon pretty excited. Overall, though, it turned out to be a very close match. The Blues cruised through the foursomes and fourballs, winning four and losing only one. However, it was a different story in the singles. The Reds won them five to one, and the whole match was fittingly decided by the final match, which the Reds sneaked by 2&1, to clinch a 6 - 5 win. Afterwards, there were speeches, stories, crowing and excuses, and much food and drink. A great day. There's a picture of the participants on this page. Some of the guys are missing, but, hey, they're seniors and often wander about lost!

Last week I mentioned the Europro Tour visit to Montrose. Specifically I hoped that there would be a bit of wind to make the event more interesting. Well, they got more than that, with play suspended for three hours during round one when balls were blowing away on the greens. Unfortunately the local players didn't make the cut, but the general reaction seems to be that Montrose provided a good test. Certainly, the players didn't take the course apart. I believe that the highlights will be broadcast on Sky Sports on Wednesday 25th. Here's a link to the Europro Tour website: http://www.europrotour.com/

Finally, it's good to hear that Bernard Gallacher is on the mend after having a heart attack last week. I've just read an excellent piece by John Huggan in Scotland on Sunday, in praise of Bernie, and I thought that I'd share it with you: http://www.scotsman.com/sport/golf/john- huggan-in-praise-of-classy-bernard-gallacher-1-3094242

I should have been out playing today (Sunday) in the LG Captain's Day, but it was postponed a couple of days ago when the weather forecast predicted gales and driving rain. And it was right! Never mind, it should have passed by tomorrow morning, and we'll be back onto the Glens with the Monday Club.

Short and Sweet Sep. 23, 2013

It's been a fairly quiet period over the past eight days or so, with just three rounds on the Glens. I missed out on the Medal last Saturday, to help to look after our sick grand-daughter who we were baby-sitting. Seems that I missed something special, as JR won the Montrose FC Shield, with a net 71 on a day when the CSS was 73. The highlight surely was his birdie 3 at the eleventh (!) in a back nine of 38 that got his handicap cut from 8 to 7. Well done, Jim, there's clearly life in the old dog still. Looking forward to hearing all about it.

Two of my three rounds have been friendly four ball matches, where eight old-timers play as two teams. Three scores count at each hole, apart from the par threes, where all four scores count. Par for this format is 120 Stableford points on the Glens. Last week saw a tie on 128 points, played on a chilly and breezy day following a stormy Sunday 15th. Attempts to award the sweepie money to the team with the oldest combined age were rebuffed and the cash was shared. Today (23rd) was a different story, with beautiful weather for this time of the year. The temperature headed into the low twenties, the skies were a beautiful "Simpsons" blue with little fluffy white clouds, and there was very little wind. My team had a splendid score of 138, 18 under par, including two net eagles. Not bad for a total age of 285. Out in 68 and back in 70, we are claiming a new world record for this format. It's hard to believe that in six weeks’ time the clocks will have gone back, it'll be dark at five o'clock and we'll be playing in our thermals.

My third round was a medal round last Wednesday, which was a real mixture of good and bad. The worst bit of bad was a four putt at the 10th (three from three feet) and the best bit was a two at the 12th, where a hybrid four to five feet won me £15 in the two's competition. As a result my handicap is now 11.0, the highest it's been since Moses was a boy - the daft thing is that I feel that I am hitting the ball better than I have for years, but I just can't get a score. All suggestions and advice will be most welcome - I'm that desperate.

Census has sent me more of pictures from Scotscraig, and I've posted them in the Tour Photo Album - please check them out. If you have any pictures that you'd like to share - doesn't have to be the If Only Tour - pass them on. Census has also sent some pictures of the Palm Springs course on Batam, in Indonesia and I've put them on as well.

Europro highlights and Guidedog lowlights Oct. 2, 2013

The highlights of the Eurpro Tour event held at Montrose, the Eagle Orchid Scottish Masters, were shown on Sky Sports on Wednesday 25th, which was great as the weather that day was too wet and windy for golf in these parts. This programme turned out to be a glorious two- hour-long advert for golf at Montrose. Thankfully it covered the highlights from the final day, when the weather was great - plenty of sunshine and an "interesting” south-westerly breeze. The first round was played in very windy conditions, with balls blowing off the greens for a while. The Medal looked superb, although TV certainly does flatten out a lot of the humps and bumps.

Sky paid homage to the age and tradition of golf at Montrose, though they mentioned several times that it is the "second oldest Royal golf course in the world, after the Royal & Ancient at St Andrews" - what is that all about? Someone is confusing Montrose Links with the Royal Montrose Golf Club, I suspect. Or maybe they know something that we don't. The coverage was good, over almost all 18 holes. Inevitably the focus was predominantly on shots to the green and putting, and the cameras and commentators did a good job. It would have been great to have seen some aerial shots, like you see at the big events, as this would have been spectacular. The wind made the front nine relatively easy, and birdies were commonplace. At least one guy drove the seventh green (while the group ahead were putting!) and one Irishman had back to back eagles at the 5th and 6th. This is a version of golf with which I am not familiar! From the 8th onwards, however, it was a different story, as we well know. I think that the "links effect" got to some of the players, and they were looking for problems that didn't exist, and played some daft shots as a consequence. It was as if they expected every putt to have a break, or as if they had to play a completely different game from their usual one. Certainly some shots are different, but the basics don't change. Inevitably the 11th and 17th took their toll, with double/triple/quadruple bogeys in evidence. In particular the 17th caused these pro's a lot of problems, in exactly the same way that it does to us. It certainly comes at a crucial part of the round, and made everyone very tentative.

There were lots of little features from John E Morgan, the on-course reporter who seems to be a bit of a comedian. He spent as much time on the beach as he did on the course. His highlight was at the 16th. He tried to show how to play this long par three into the wind in two different ways - fly it all the way or play it low and short, and bump it onto the green. His "fly it all the way" shot ended up buried in the whins on the left of the green. However, his linksy low shot with plenty of run was perfect - it pitched about thirty yards short, ran up onto the green and disappeared into the hole. The nit-pickers will claim that it was a 3, as he was playing his second ball, but it looked like a hole in one to me.

The programme also featured plenty of shots of local worthies in the background, particularly as the final round drew to a close. The bar in the Merkie seemed to have been evacuated for the afternoon. One gentleman who I did not recognise demonstrated a particularly awful dress sense, wearing a top with broad blue and white hoops and shorts with a bright blue and white checked pattern. This brought back fond memories of playing with Seabiscuit in Spain in the late nineties. Alan appeared for the final round dressed pretty much as described above, except that he combined a hooped shirt with striped shorts. His excuse was that this was all that he had left that was clean.

For the record, Oliver Farr beat Daniel Gavin at the third play-off hole (they played the 18th three times) to take the first prize of £10,000. Unfortunately, our local pro Graeme Brown, failed to make the cut. I hope that you managed to see these highlights, as they turned out really well and hopefully will have raised our course's profile among a wider audience.

On Saturday 28th, JR kept his recent good form going with a net 72 in the Gordon Trophy. I was partnered with Stewart Melrose, making a return to golf at Montrose after a number of years away. Neither of us played particularly well (poor iron play and putting on my part), but it was nice to catch up with Stewps, as some people call him. The Loan Arranger, looking bronzed after a holiday in Italy, was second in the sweepie, 2 shots adrift of JR, having played some pretty good stuff on the front nine particularly.

The LG Monday Club had its regular game, and this week my team was thumped by five points. We were not helped by playing the fifth hole for no points at all - certainly a first for us. The post-match discussion about malt whisky was probably more enjoyable than the golf! Unfortunately, today the poor form continued, with a meagre 28 Stableford points in the midweek medal at LG. On both days the weather was distinctly autumnal, with a cool and blustery breeze. This weekend sees Mr Magoo, TLA and myself playing in the Montrose TriAm on Saturday 5th, and LG holding its Captain's Day Texas Scramble on Sunday. Looking forward to some better form! Cream Team's Dream turns sour Oct. 11 2013

Saturday 5th October was a lovely day for golf. The sun was out, the temperature was higher than you would expect at this time of the year, and the Medal is still in magnificent condition. The greens in particular are first class, although I'm convinced that the holes are smaller than they used to be. The occasion was the Montrose Links TriAm event, and the schoolie entered two teams: the "Young" Pretenders, aka The Bawbags, comprising Radar Watson, JR Robertson and Stewps Melrose, and the self-styled Cream of the If Only - The Loan Arranger West, Tom Mr Magoo Murray and Guidedog O'Donnell. We needed two scores at most holes, only one score at 3 and 12, but all three scores counted at 8 and 18. Guidedog exercised his masterly course management right from the first tee by taking a three wood for safety and plonking it straight into the new bunker at the bottom of the hill. Thankfully TLA kept us in play. The first of Mr Magoo's three two's (I'll say that again in case you missed it - Mr Magoo, or should that be Mr MaTWO - had three net two's) came at the third, when he calmly slotted a three footer for a par. Guidedog joined the fun by achieving a first at the fifth - having driven into Hell Bunker in front of the green (an achievement in its own right for the geriatric pooch), a masterly splash out left him with an easy eight foot putt for birdie. Never done that before! From the sublime - at 8, Magoo duffed his drive about ten feet, hacked forward another ten, wedged onto the fairway to about 140 yards from the green, struck a lovely iron to ten feet and holed the putt for the most unlikely net par you'll ever see. More excitement followed at nine, when Guidedog's superlative four net three was eclipsed by Magoo's wonder putt from about three quarters of mile for a four net two! No wonder the myopic money master let out a roar that scared the living daylights out of his playing partners. The Loan Arranger could only look on in a mixture of bewilderment and disbelief. The back nine, as always, was to prove difficult, although the Cream Team probably played better than on the front nine. Magoo got his usual three net two at 12, to keep the magic run going. If the truth be told, I think that he was becoming a bit blasé about the whole two thing. However, all was to fall to pieces at the last hole, where three scores counted. My usual tact and diplomacy means that I cannot name names, but we had a five and two sixes among the three of us, which was 16 net for the hole against a par of 12. I didn't have a six. Convinced that we had no hope, I handed the card in to the shop, with a total of 136, to be told that we were in second place overall. Unbelievable. There then followed the usual post-mortem, each part of which started with the phrase "If only....". In the end it didn't matter, as someone came in with 132 and we did not figure in the places. It proved difficult to get much sense from the Bawbags afterwards, only that their score was "a hundred and forty something” that they had played crap and probably would never speak to each other ever again, at least until next Saturday.

The following day saw the Letham Grange Captain's Day Shotgun Texas Scramble, surely a serious contender for the competition with the longest ever name. LG organises these sort of things very well, with coffee and bacon rolls beforehand, cheap beer in an icebucket at halfway, and stovies and lasagne afterwards. There is also a big raffle that raises loads of dosh, thanks to donated prizes and gear from Auchterlonie's at Ethiebeaton. It proved to be a frustrating day for our team of seniors - Alec Tucker, easily recognised by the large number of two-legged donkeys around him, Gordon Mitchell, aka Captain Fantastic, leader of the seniors, Eddy Collier, LG's staunchest Celtic supporter, and yours truly. We started at the tenth, which is in the middle of the hardest part of the course, in my view. We parred the first couple of holes, no thanks to me. The problem with always playing last in a scramble is that if the team is already in a good position by the time it's your turn to play, you inevitably try to hit ridiculously difficult and ambitious shots. I lost three balls in the first two holes. Usually I lose three balls in about a month. We just couldn't find a birdie, and dropped a shot to par at the 18th and then again at the 4th. Clearly we weren't going to post a winning score. Guidedog came good at 7 and 8, however. A lovely hybrid four to ten feet at the difficult 7th, followed by a good uphill putt brought the first birdie of the day. Buoyed by this we went to the par three 8th, where our first two players put their balls in the water, Captain Gord hoiked his miles left of the green, so no pressure on Guidedog. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. That hybrid four came out again and deposited my ball gracefully on the green, about three feet from a very difficult pin position (well, I would say that, wouldn't I?). The obligatory putt for a two was holed and our tails were up. Unfortunately we could only par the 9th, our final hole, for a gross round of level par, net 61. As we suspected, this was about six shots too many, but a great time was had by all. And the stovies were great. In the end, I won nearest the pin for my shot at the 8th, and I've just spent my voucher on some new golf balls.

Monday's round on the Glens saw us down to four players, as a number of regulars headed off on holiday breaks (and another headed off to the South African sunshine the following day - we won't see him for six months). With a fourball, the chance was taken to play matchplay, 4-ball better ball. Gordon and myself (the Grangers), still getting over our efforts of yesterday at the Captain's Day on the Old Course, played Archie and Kym (the Out of Towners), looking fresh and raring to go following their weekend off golf. First blood went to Kym, with a fine net 4 at the third, and Archie holed the first of several excellent putts at the 5th to increase the margin to two holes. This sudden reversal served only to spur on the Grangers, who pulled the match back to level by winning the 7th and 8th. My birdie putt at 7 from about a furlong from the hole was much appreciated by all. Gordon's nerveless putt for a two at 8 met with a similar response from our sporting opponents. The Antipodean Artist soon put paid to any thoughts of the Grangers getting ahead with a magnificent four net three at 9, and Tattie King Archie's similar score at 10 soon restored the natural order of things. Holes were halved on the back nine until the 16th, when Kym's par was enough to overcome the exhausted Grangers and finish the match 3&2. In the end, victory went to the better team on the day, although the gamesmanship battle was probably even, with the usual non-stop leg-pulling all the way round.

I passed on Wednesday's golf, as my back had started to stiffen up, and I wanted to be ready for the Merkie October Medal, tomorrow. Looking forward to it as always, and hopefully this chilly northerly wind that has sprung up in the past day or so will ease off. For the benefit of overseas readers luxuriating in temperatures in the thirties, you may be interested to know that the first snow of the winter covered the top station of the Cairngorm railway yesterday. Summer seems a long way off now!

Carnage on the course in the October Medal Oct 16, 2013

Just one round of golf to talk about this week, as I've been having a few days away and missed the usual games at Letham Grange. The October Medal at Montrose. Saturday 12th October was a typical autumn day on the east coast - grey clouds, little prospect of sunshine and a brisk north-easterly wind coming in off the North Sea. Surprisingly, in the light of the weather, we had nine playing in the schoolie sweep, including two guests - Stephen McGill and Ian Buist, each looking for a game. JR, Stewps and Stephen set off first, The Loan Arranger, Mr Magoo and Guidedog were the next group, and the three Ians - Watson, Buist and McIntyre - brought up the rear. Faced with the prospect of a tricky wind for the first seven holes, all three of my group walked off the first green with some satisfaction: Guidedog and TLA because we had just parred a difficult hole, and Mr Magoo because at last he had started to understand just exactly what is the Higgs boson, what's it got to do with the Big Bang Theory and why is it so important. The things that we talk about on the golf course. Then the fun began on the second tee. I managed to put my drive somewhere up the middle of the fairway. Magoo hit a high fade that ended up in the light rough, then TLA showed his power off the tee by hitting two balls high and left, caught by the wind and deposited in the whins never to be seen again. Finally he got his third ball in play, somewhere up the right rough. Magoo then lived up to his name by playing a ball from the rough, only to discover when he reached it to play his third shot that it wasn't his ball - it was Robert's! The Myopic Murray trudged back to where his own ball was, and played it. Meantime, undoubtedly badly affected by the mayhem, I hit a peach of a hybrid 3 that the wind grabbed and hurled deep into the whins up the left. Goodness knows what the Ians behind were thinking, but we did the right thing and waved them through while we tried to add up Tom's score. Guess what - yup, someone (I think that it was Ian) started hitting balls into the whins as well, so we gave up the play through idea and carried on regardless. Funny how with holes like that, you always end up three putting to finish the job good and proper. By the time our group left the second green, we had totalled 28 shots, including eight penalty strokes, and lost three balls. An 8 and two 10s. My, we were fair looking forward to the remaining 16 holes, I tell you! Despite our best efforts, that second hole is likely to linger long in our memories. The rest of the front nine settled down, and we played some good golf. TLA's card at the turn had seven 4's, a 5 and a 10 on it. The ninth got its revenge on Magoo after his monster putt from the previous week. Tom hit a peach of a third shot to a couple of feet then missed the tiddler. The back nine was played mostly downwind and that was reflected in the scoring, although Tom as always did his best not to conform. TLA picked up a birdie at 13 where he almost drove the green having taken a three wood for safety (kid you not). Magoo soldiered on, apparently determined that he would not submit an NR, adding a 9, another 10 and an 11 to his card. On a positive note, he played the other 14 holes in better than level fives. Guidedog played steadily, and a solid 3/5/4 finish produced a net 73 against a CSS of 75. Taking the 8 into consideration as a 7 for handicap purposes, I was cut from 11.2 to 10.6, only 0.2 above my handicap at the start of April. TLA was cut by 0.2 for his net 77, counting his 10 as a 6. Net 71 won the competition on the day, and other members of the schoolie suffered in the conditions: Stewps had an 8 at the fifth and a 12 at the sixth, Ian B had a couple of sevens but birdied 17, Ian W birdied 13 and Stephen took 9 blows to play the 14th. There were a few tales to tell in the clubhouse after that round, and no mistake.

I notice that Harry Bannerman has finally retired. He was the first pro to play Letham Grange, and I saw him a couple of years ago at the club's 25th birthday celebrations. Harry won the Scottish Professional title at Montrose in 1967 and famously held Arnold Palmer to a square game in the Ryder Cup singles in 1971. Most recently he had been coaching at Paul Lawrie's golf centre on Deeside.

The season's finale Oct. 30 2013

Thankfully the weather has improved considerably since the carnage of the October Medal. The last week or so has seen plenty of mild weather, with a couple of days of heavy rain. Monday 21st saw the regular outing of the LG Monday Club, on a beautiful sunny morning with blue skies and little wind. Seven of us set out, with me playing in the three-ball alongside Kym Needle and Ian Scott. Kym and I played well, especially on the back nine, and I came in with 39 points, the best score of the day. My gross of 75 included birdies at 10 and 18. However this was outclassed by the 80 year-old Mr Scott. Ian suffers from arthritis and wears padded gloves to give himself a decent grip. He played the par threes particularly well, but saved the fireworks for the short 16th. Kym and I were safely on the green from the tee. Ian was the last to play and hit a cracker that was on the flag all of the way. The ball landed close to the stick, but bright sunlight (and fading eyesight) made it difficult to see where the ball had finished. As we walked up to the green Kym and I could see only two balls, so we insisted that Ian went to check the hole, where he found his ball - a hole in one! Naturally we were delighted, then amazed when Ian confessed that it was his SIXTH ace. Not bad for a 24 handicapper. I can think of a few single figure player who haven't managed one. This one wasn't too expensive for Ian, unlike his fifth, achieved in an inter- club match, with twelve players a side. His bar bill came to £75 on that occasion.

The usual Wednesday competition at LG was washed out by heavy rain, so it was off to Montrose on Saturday for the first round of the Winter Eclectic. For some reason, The Loan Arranger and I teed off just after 11 o'clock, a couple of hours ahead of the rest of the schoolie. The golf was steady but not spectacular. Guidedog's driver began to work well after a pitiful tee shot at the first that led to a six. TLA and I both birdied the fifth, and I managed another at the eighth following a wedge to about a foot from the pin. The greens on the Medal are still in terrific condition. We played in front of Road Runner Boyd, making a rare but welcome appearance in a Royal Montrose mixed stableford greensomes. It sounded awfully complicated the way Jason described it, so I can only assume that his lady partner was keeping the score. Unfortunately, I haven't heard how the rest of the gang got on.

It was the Magnificent Seven again on the Glens on Monday 28th, with six regulars joined by Scott Strachan, son of Alan. Scott was an Angus County player in his younger days and is just getting back into golf after a few years off. Generously, we gave him a scratch handicap to ensure that he did not walk away with the pensioners' cash. Apparently "the country was being hit by the worst storm in decades" while we were playing, but we wouldn't know it. In fact the weather was lovely, not too warm and virtually no breeze. Tattie King Archie Pullar won with 38 points, one ahead of the Guidedog, who finished 4, 2, 4, 2. It was a real mixed bag on the greens, with six single putts, four three putts and a horrible four putt for double bogey at 10. In the light of such a performance what else could I do but go to see Jason for a new set of irons. I'm now the proud owner of a set of Callaway Razr X's, and the Wilson Pi 5's are tucked away in the garage. Today (Wednesday 30th) I took them out for the first time, in the LG Wednesday Stableford. It was another fine day, and the front nine was good (20 points) but I reckon that the pace of play got to me. I struggled a bit on the back nine, scoring only 14 points, finishing five behind the winner. Playing in the final group of six fourballs guarantees that you'll be out in the fresh air for a fair while. Today's plus point, in addition to the joy of hitting nice solid iron shots for a change, was bunker play, which is usually one of my Achilles' heels (can you have more than one Achilles' heel?). I was in two bunkers and on both occasions almost holed out from the sand. How lucky can you get?

Well, that's about it for the summer season. It's been great fun, and I've played almost 30 medal rounds at Montrose and Letham Grange since the start of April. My handicap has changed marginally, easing up from 10.4 to 10.6 over that period. Both courses offer the joy of winter golf and the excitement of the eclectics - time to dig out the woolly hats, padded gloves and of course the essential hip flask! Finally, there was an interesting article in the Scotsman a few days ago, about developments at The Machrie on Islay. I know that several readers know this course well, and I thought that you might like to read about the plans to bring this historic track up to date: http://www.scotsman.com/news/john-huggan-restoring-a-masterpiece-1-3160200

Guidedog's first century Nov. 13 2013

November came in on a wave of wind and rain. The usual Saturday round on the second of the month was a wash-out, although it improved enough on Sunday for Radar, Stewps, JR and Ian Mac to venture out. Monday 4th was the first day of the winter season at Letham Grange, and the weather was ideal - clear blue skies, no frost and only a little wind. Quite a change from the washout of Saturday. Six members of the Monday Club turned up, and were split into two teams - Ian, Kym and Alec vs Bob, Archie and myself. It turned out to be a good day for scoring, with most players picking up a birdie or two, apart from me (a fact that my playing partners were only too keen to point out). We played the Tucker Stableford team format, with all the pressure on the par threes, where all scores counted. There were only two points between the teams after nine holes, but we managed to sneak it on the back nine. Our opponents were gracious in defeat, each in his own way. Somehow I managed the best Stableford score while being the only player not to get a birdie - it's a funny old game.

A couple of days later, it WAS frosty, and the Seniors tried a two-tee start, to reduce waiting time at the first and possibly to speed up play. Whether it was the frosty holes or the strange start, I played pretty poorly, although things did improve gradually. My 28 points was the poorest for some time, quite embarrassing actually, considering that two of my playing partners came in with 44 and 42 points. Let's not talk about that one, eh?

Saturday 9th it was back to Montrose for round 3 of the winter eclectic. It was very much a case of "I'm not coming/I am coming/I'm not coming" with old Radar Watson. In the end, he didn't, and we played as a three-ball: Stewps, JR and myself. It was a fine day, with plenty of sunshine but a cold edge to the wind, particularly on the last few holes. Old Man Melrose started like a champion, out in 35 and looking peerless. He and JR were just plain showing off at the 3rd, where they halved the hole in 2's (I holed an excellent nine footer for a four, if anyone cares). Stewart also birdied 5. I gradually got into the game, and frustratingly picked up a couple of birdies going out - at the same two holes (5 and 8) that I birdied in my previous round. This must be how good golfers feel, it is so annoying! Stewart's driving started to go a bit awry from the 10th, but he held it together pretty well, to be back in 40 for a 75 gross. The birdie at 18 was the icing on the cake, and I suspect that his face actually broke into a big grin, if only for a couple of seconds. My highlight coming home was a superb birdie at 14 (drive, nine iron, putt). It had been a very enjoyable day out, and when I checked my golf diary, it turned out to be my one hundredth round of the calendar year. And there's another six weeks or so left for even more!

Monday 11th, Remembrance Day, and the weather gave us something to remember. Overnight rain had cleared as forecast, and we played in lovely autumn conditions, mild and very little wind. The sun put in an appearance on the back nine, just for good measure. Seven stalwarts set out - Kym (playing in the first group for a change) with Ian, Alec and Bob, and Alan, Archie and myself playing in the second (and playing second fiddle, as it turned out). Conditions were conducive to good scoring, and in the end only four points covered the field. The ever-reliable Bob Thomson won with a fine 38 points, including net eagles at the 2nd and 15th holes. Runner up was Alec, back in 37 shots to compile a score of 37 points. Archie and Alan both had 36 points, with Alan recovering from a disappointing front nine to come home in 38 strokes (22 points). Archie's highlight was a net eagle at the 11th. Kym and Ian both shot 35 points with a net eagle each. I trailed in last with 34 points, no net eagles, no birdies and lots of missed putts. Frustrating covers it nicely.

Today, Wednesday 13th, saw another fine dry autumn day, even if the breeze was on the chilly side. It was the weekly Winter League round, and once again I teed off at the 13th. Unlike last week, however, I got off to a great start, with three threes in the first six holes, including a lovely birdie at the 15th. However, the downside of a two-tee start comes when you get to the first, and have to wait until the tee is free. Today, we stood and watched three groups tee off, and my game suffered accordingly. I managed to get round in 35 points, but my partner, 12 handicapper Duncan Massie (a part-time clock repairer, useful guy to know if you have an old grandfather that isn't performing as well as it used to) scooted round in a gross 72, 44 points, to ensure that we took the money with five holes to spare. That's two weeks in a row that one of my playing partners has scored 44 points, so clearly I must be bringing out the best in them.

I've now clocked up 102 rounds this year, worn out a pair of wheels on my Powakaddy, had to get a new set of irons, knackered both hips (the right one in particular) and, most impressively, I've walked at least 500 Miles in doing so - sounds like the cue for a song!

Officially it's still autumn, but it's f-f-f-f-reezing! Nov. 26 2013

We're well into the winter season now, with woolly hats, multiple layers of clothing and hipflasks much in evidence. On Saturday 16th, it was week 4 of the Merkie's Eclectic 1 on the Medal, and after last week's hokey-cokey by Radar Watson (he's out, no, he's in, no, he's back out again), he definitely turned up this time. Only four of us played, as everyone else seemed to be off on holiday. Stewps and JR faced up to Radar and myself on a day featuring a tricky south-westerly breeze, although it wasn't too cold. Plenty time for that in days to come. The course was distinctly quieter than usual, although a small mob of Caley members "waited patiently" while we teed off at the first - why they were waiting at the tee at 10.55 when their first time was 11.15 God only knows. Demonstrating the generosity of spirit that you associate with the Tour's two Grumpy Old Men, Radar and I kindly gave the first three holes to the Young(er) Upstarts. Guidedog's birdie at 4 started the fight back, and we got back to all square on the tenth tee. Both Radar and I managed good pars at 9, into the stiff breeze (this is code for "we hit good pitches for our third shots, then holed a couple of lucky putts"). Stewps was trying out a brand-new putter ("identical to Mickelson's", he claimed), but it was clearly faulty as he kept missing putts. JR wasn't having any better luck on the greens. The back nine was a close fought affair, with each side taking turns to go ahead. Highlights included Stewps' birdie at 15 followed by Guidedog's tee shot at 16 to ten feet (into the breeze) - followed by the usual very unlucky putt. All square seemed a fair result. Talk in the bar afterwards focused on If Only Tour reminiscences - ah, the good old days!

A couple of days later, it was the regular meeting of the Letham Grange Monday Club. What is it about Monday mornings these days? For the past month or so we've been blessed with lovely weather, despite heading rapidly towards winter. The morning was no exception, with beautiful sunny skies for most of the time, and almost no wind to speak of. In fact, the sun was a pesky nuisance on some holes, particularly the fifth, making it difficult to see the flight of the ball. Mustn't complain though, and long may it continue. Twelve took part, including new boys Angus Ogg (no, not the cartoon character from the Daily Record forty years ago) and Clark Hayward. We played a team match, in three fours, using the Tucker Stableford format (3 scores per hole, and all four scores count on par threes). On this basis par is 120 points. Team A (Gordon Mitchell, Ian Hardie, Alan Strachan and Ken Miller, renamed Barcelona in the light of their performance) romped home in 131 points, collectively 11 under par. In second place was Team B (Dave Norval, Andrew Lauchlan, Kym Needle and yours truly), renamed Arsenal played steadily enough to come in with a par-equalling score. Bringing up the rear, in the best traditions of Partick Thistle, was Team C (Clark Hayward, Dave Whyte, Bob Thomson and Angus Ogg), who were some way over par. Barcelona were suitably modest about their great performance, Arsenal knew that they could have done better despite the odd flash of brilliance and Thistle complained about the poor pace of play affecting their speedy wingers. I managed a steady 37 Stableford points, including a nice birdie on the 17th. The post-mortem in the 19th Hole lived up to the high standard of debate that we have come to expect among this group of experienced players (code for "a wide range of insulting comments passed freely through the assembled company").

Two days later it was back on the Glens for the LG Winter League competition. This time the weather decided to show its teeth, with a bitterly cold north-westerly wind and squally rain at times. Despite the frosty conditions, we played on summer greens, which was very surprising. In fact, when we got to the first green, it was like putting on icing sugar, with the ball skidding away out of control (not much different from usual, I hear you say). That was very much the story of the round and everyone suffered as a result. Still, whisky is a great reviver on the course. My partner, the now-famous Bob Thomson, and I defeated Alan and Andrew by 2&1 (having been dormie with four to play - squeaky bum for a little while), amid much leg-pulling and name dropping. Apparently Andrew has had lunch with the Queen, putting my dinner with Prince Andrew well and truly into the shade. We returned to the 19th Hole, four frozen souls in search of hot coffee and comfort. 30 Stableford points was nothing to write home about.

The frosty weather continued through to Saturday 23rd, and golf at Montrose was restricted to playing the frost holes. JR and I (the Two Jimmies) took on Radar and Ian Buist (the Two Ians, strangely enough) on a day of blue skies and low temperatures. Radar was on great form (unfortunately for the Jimmies), including a virtual tap-in two at the seventh, and Buisty backed him up well. Unfortunately, poor old Guidedog was feeling a bit under the weather, with lots of sore bits and a bit of a chill. Common sense prevailed, and I trudged in after nine holes, leaving the others to play on. It ain't half a long walk back to the clubhouse. A bit like being sent of in a football match, I suppose, although some of you readers will know more about that than I do. A long soak in a hot bath followed by a lazy Sunday watching Sky Sports did the trick, and it was business as usual the following Monday. It was still very cold, although the skies were defiantly blue, and once more it was frost holes golf. Thirteen Club members took part, and I had a bit of a dream team - Doug (handicap 1 and great on the par threes) and Big Dave (handicap 24 and hits the ball a country mile). The shortened winter course and a pretty good standard of winter green ensured plenty of low scores. Big Dave scored 44 points as he upped his game in the company of good players (his words, not mine), and I managed a respectable 39 points. Doug's highlight was a birdie-birdie-birdie finish for the last three holes, a feat I have never seen before. We managed to the win the team competition, although only by two points, with a collective score of 16 under par. Our fingers were frozen, our noses were dripping, but we still had smiles on our faces. Sometimes, winter golf is great.

A report from one of our Far East correspondents Dec. 13, 2013

It's been a quiet time on the golf front over the past two weeks or so, as Mrs Guidedog and I headed off for some winter sunshine in Tenerife. This was our second visit this year, and I must say that it's a good habit to get into. Nice food, nice wine, a lovely swimming pool and a chance to give the golfing muscles a bit of a rest. Unfortunately, it was back to gale force winds and driving snow at the end of last week. Fortunately, Census and Dyson have been playing their little hearts out on the Far East circuit, and Census has sent me a short report of one their encounters. He even included some pictures, just to ensure that everybody over here really appreciates the difficult conditions that he and Dyson have to put up with each week. They played the Red Mountain and Loch Palm courses in Phuket. Here's his completely impartial report, from Red Mountain: http://www.mbkgolf.com/index.html

Hi Jim, here are a couple of photos from 2 members of if only tour. We played 2 courses in Thailand at weekend. He beat me again!!, but we took him and his partner to the last hole, but I hit the water, and that was that, as they say – but the Singha beer was good afterwards to drown my sorrows.

But look at the tee box we are standing on at the par three, and yep that is the green down there. You play your shot in a great big hole, 155 yard to pin, we hit 9 irons because of the drop. So I hit it to 7 feet, and Hendo turns to me and says "I would be happy with that", then he steps up and hits a good shot over the pin, to around 7 feet 6“ and then it has a wee spin back to around 6 feet 8”, yep we measured it - so he did it again, we halved the hole.

Because 17 was halved, they were still 1 up going down the last, par 5. I stand up, cause I still had the honour, and hit a good drive onto the plateau and missed all the water, sitting pretty. Then my partner stood up and hit it into monkey country, so he was out of it. Then Scott's partner hits his into the jungle also. Hendo stands up and hits a solid drive but it was about 20 yards off line and hooking ………………….then we hear it hit something, sounded like tin, ……………….wonder what that could be. So I thought, right I have a chance to get this hole back and halve the game. We trundled up in our buggies and here is mine in the middle of the fairway, and Mr Scotty was mucking about in a bunch of rough and in the jungle. Then the proverbial happened, he pops up his head and says to me here it is, it must have hit that shelter with that tin door and that stopped it going into the jungle. I thought – some of my luck over the past few years must be rubbing off on him! So he steps up and hits a safe shot 165 yards to another plateau with 100 yard to green. I get greedy as now he has me under pressure and we of course need to win the hole, so I pull out a 3 iron, hit it with a wee Scottish fade and it bounces into the water - that was the game gone and me looking forward to a shower and a beer !! Playing against him next Friday so we will see if I can do better then Back at the home of golf, I've got back into the swing of things this week, with games around Letham Grange on Monday and Wednesday. 12 of us played in the Monday Club, and I was pretty rusty, scoring only 31 points. My partner, Doug Greenhill, playing off 1, played well, but our team managed only 107 points, and finished last, 18 points behind the winners. I was a bit rusty, but things improved a little on Wednesday, in the Winter League game. Twenty eight players turned up, the highest number for a long time, and muggins here had to arrange the draw. Thank goodness we have a two-tee start. Once again, I played with Doug, and managed 36 points (79 gross), but still well off the pace. After the game, Doug and I spent a bit of time on the 18th green, and I now have a new putting grip - the secret, apparently, is a tight grip by the thumb and forefinger of the right hand, relax the left hand, and don't wear your glove. We'll see.

Finally, there seems to be increasing concern about the state of the game in Scotland at the moment, in particular the effect of changing financial and social factors on golf clubs. Here at Letham Grange we've done remarkably well for the last three years while legal arguments about the ownership of the hotel rage around us. Some other course are closing - Lothianburn, where I believe The Loan Arranger used to be a member, has closed, and another Edinburgh course, Torphin Hills, is in serious financial difficulties. Hawick's problems were featured on TV a few months ago, and the situation is neatly summed up in this article in the Scotsman: http://www.scotsman.com/sport/golf/club-closures-show-crisis-in-golf-membership-1- 3226671

Planning to play at Montrose tomorrow (Saturday 14th), but the forecast isn't promising - heavy rain and 30 mph winds. At least it's mild.

Wild weather Dec. 24 2013

We abandoned any thoughts of playing at Montrose on Saturday 14th quite early on, as the weather forecast was awful. It turned out to be 100% accurate, with high winds and driving rain forcing people into the pro's shop to buy Christmas presents. Things eased off the following day, and some of the regulars went hunting for ringers for Winter Eclectic 1. Guidedog, however, was having a quiet day, following the previous evening's LG Seniors' Christmas dinner at the Colliston Inn. It was a great night, very well organised by Archie the Tattie King. After a lovely meal, there was a carol singing competition (our table was second), a quiz (our table was second) and a putting competition, where the ladies put the gents to shame. Some useful bits of knowledge from the quiz - Lake Victoria is the largest lake in Africa, the film Robin Hood was banned in Indiana in 1953 because its star, Errol Flynn, was believed to be a Communist sympathiser, and Robert the Bruce allegedly died of leprosy (and not Brucellosis, as one wag suggested).

The following Monday it was back on the Glens, with a dozen others, in chilly, breezy conditions with the occasional nasty squall. Played OK, with a couple of birdies, and tried out a new putting grip recommended by my new guru, Doug Greenhill. It kind of worked. Things got better a couple of days later, playing in the LG Winter League, and came in with 39 points. Good for 16 holes, pity about 15th and 16th. Everyone was playing in Christmas attire, and all proceeds were put into the Christmas charity fund. To date, the LG Old Geezers have raised over £100 in about a week - and had a right good laugh along the way. First time I've ever seen a golf trolley fitted out with fairy lights!

Back to Montrose for Saturday 21st, and this is where the weather started to get a bit silly. Stewps must have known something was afoot, as he called off, leaving Radar, JR and myself to play. There was a strong breeze but otherwise things looked OK, until the 4th hole, when a mini typhoon hit us. We were sheltering behind the bushes at the 5th tee, waiting to see if things would improve when a dodgy looking character with two ferocious looking hounds loomed out of the storm. What sort of lunatic goes out in weather like this (apart from golfers, of course)? As the figure drew closer, and we reached instinctively for our wedges to defend ourselves, we recognised the outline of The Loan Arranger, out for a stroll before lunch. He declined our suggestion that he should walk home to pick up his car and come back to collect us, so we trudged back to the Clubhouse into the teeth of the wind and rain. My brolly was turned inside out fairly quickly, and looked irreparable, but Radar gave me a tip that I'll happily pass on - if the brolly won't simply flip back into the right shape, take off the cover, then reposition the struts, and finally reattach the cover. Worked a treat - thanks Radar, a true Scotsman, cost-conscious, practical and happy to share with others.

Monday saw us back on the Glens for our usual ramble. More poor weather was forecast, but everybody knows that weathermen overstate things, and today would be fine. Well, it was for 11 holes, then things got bad - very strong wind again, and driving rain. We played out to the twelfth then walked in. Had to settle for an afternoon by the fire, catching up with the papers, where I read a very entertaining and informative article in the Scotsman by John Huggan on Golf's Heroes and Zeroes in 2013. Have a read of it and let me know what you think. Personally, I loved the section on The Round of the Year in particular. http://www.scotsman.com/sport/golf/john-huggan-golf-s-heroes-and-zeroes-of-2013-1- 3242398

As I write this blog, it's Christmas Eve, the wind is blowing a hooley again, and I'm looking forward to my golfing Christmas pressies, especially that new 54 degree wedge that I've been after since I got my new irons. I hope that everyone who reads this has a lovely time over Christmas, with family and friends around them. Take care.