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h e student newspaper of Imperial College

No. 1,365 • Friday • 24 November 2006 • ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk Students say yes to NUS

Left to right: Jon Matthews (Returning Officer) announces the result; John Collins (Union President and Yes supporter) loses his cool; Gemma Tumelty (NUS President) letting those back at NUS HQ know the result; Alex Guite (leader of the Yes campaign) embraces Ms Tumelty; and Stephen Brown, vocal No campaigner, expresses his dissatisfaction

Andy Sykes numbers, this means more than John Collins, Union President, followers in the national student our students have spoken, so our Editor-in-chief 4,000 students voted. said he was “delighted [with] what movement. We ran a clean and sabbatical officers must work hard Though many around the Union has become the largest union positive campaign, over the last to get value for money from the Imperial College Union will affiliate had been predicting a landslide ei- democratic exercise ever to take two weeks we’ve put up hundreds NUS and push for the reform they to the National Union of Students ther way, the final result came very place at Imperial”. Collins also had of posters and spoken to thousands have agreed it needs.” (NUS), pending approval by the close, with only 261 votes separat- words of praise for both camps: “I of students. Thanks to all those who The Union has never affiliated to NUS conference, after the refer- ing the two camps. would like to thank both Alex Guite voted yes to discounts and yes to a the NUS for more than 12 months endum result was announced last As the results were announced, and James Fok for organising bril- stronger Imperial College Union. at a time, with affiliation motions week as “yes”. John Collins, Union President and liant campaigns, Live! and Felix for Thanks also to those students who usually followed by disaffiliation in After three days of dedicated supporter of the Yes campaign, co-ordinating a balanced debate, campaigned tirelessly for the yes the following academic year. Rum- campaigning by both sides, the re- let out a deafening yell. Ben Har- and I would like to commend Jon campaign and thanks also to the no blings have been heard from the No sults were announced last Friday ris, Deputy President (Education Matthews, the Returning Officer, campaign for making it an enter- campaign, promising a disaffilia- night in Da Vinci’s. The final result & Welfare) jumped to his feet, and for keeping a lid on what has been taining referendum.” tion petition next year. As it is, the showed 53% of those who voted Gemma Tumelty (NUS President) an explosive and heated week of On the other side, James Fok, No campaign are resolved to make chose to vote yes to the question: looked stunned. The No campaign- banter.” the leader of the No campaign and sure the Union now makes good on “Should Imperial College Union af- ers present, including CGCU Presi- Alex Guite, the leader of the Yes CGCU President, said: “I firmly be- its promise to reform the NUS from filiate to the NUS?” 47% voted no. dent James Fok and Live! Editor campaign, commented to Live!, lieve that this is not the right deci- the inside, according to one anony- The result has some historic sig- Ashley Brown, met the result with a the CGCU online newspaper: “This sion for us, and that the money could mous A-NUS member. nificance, drawing the highest turn- resigned look. A few students in the is an awesome result for Imperial be better spent elsewhere. Since The referendum was not without out of any referendum or election bar were confused as to what was students. It’s right that as we move the formation of the NUS, Imperial its fair share of problems, and Fe- in living memory, with final turnout happening, asking this reporter into our centenary year that we’re and its students have never had a lix eargerly awaits the report of the standing at just over 30%. In real what election had just been held. back where we belong: leaders not good lasting relationship. However, Returning Officer. 2 felix Friday 24 November 2006

NEWS [email protected]

Chem Eng incident Referendum results Fire Brigade called to investigate a waste barrel giving off smoke The graph below shows voting common areas of campus, with numbers versus time; the pink those canvassed returning to line indicates yes votes, and the computer rooms to vote. Andy Sykes blue line indicates no votes. On Wednesday, personalised Editor-in-chief Initially, the no campaign were emails were sent to all those leading by around 200 votes at who had not voted already, and The Fire Brigade was called to the end of the first day of voting. the Medic President reminded South Kensington campus last At this point, emails had been his consituents to vote, resulting Thursday, when a barrel contain- sent to all student eligable to in the huge spike in voting. ing around five litres of chlorinated vote, reminding them to vote. The yes campaign took waste chemicals began giving off The sharp increase in numbers the lead just before 6pm on white fumes. voting on Tuesday afternoon Wednesday, and remained in According to the Head of Depart- was likely due to the heavy the lead by around 250 votes ment for Chemical Engineering, campaigning by both sides at until the close of voting. Percent- waste was being disposed of into lunchtime on the walkway, in age results were 53.3% for yes, the barrel when a gas was released, the JCR, Dalby Court and other 46.7% for no. which was mainly hydrochloric acid. The Fire Brigade were called, and within fifteen minutes a number of appliances had arrived; eventually there were more than 8 appliances and a number of incident support vehicles on site. The cordoning off of the area closed the Walkway, the rear of the Sherfield Building, and the build- ings around the Chemical Engi- neering building. However, a lone student was spotted striding pur- posefully towards the site, before being chastised by a security officer. Decontamination showers were set up, and a number of officers were kitted out with hazmat suits. Fire hydrants around the Chem Eng building were found to be in- active by the Brigade, who had to bring water from the side of the Sherfield building. This was due to recent works to install a Combined Students targeted for sex Heat and Power (CHP) unit nearby. A number of students approached acts in UCL campus toilets this reporter with concerns over the way the incident was handled, and Felix put these questions to Ceri UCL’s new student newspaper, Pi place to find “horny fresher types,” Davis, Head of Security. No alarms Squared, has uncovered a bizarre and that there is “tons of action go- sounded in the building; Mr Davis story involving older men “cruis- ing on”. The site urges readers “to says that this is because the evacua- ing” the male toilets on the UCL be discreet so this place is kept!” tion needs to be controlled to direct campus at Gower Street, looking The reporters even managed to people away from the dangerous for sex with students. locate one man, known as “Steve”, area. Exiting through the nearest Rumours that the toilets were who had apparently been cruising exit could endanger students. The known as a regular spot for older the facilities after finishing work. slow evacuation of the building was men to pick up younger male stu- Students have complained of men in response to the need to increase dents have been floating around the attempting to climb into their toilet the size of the cordon based on ad- campus for a number of months. cubicles, with the same student be- vice from officers on the scene. Mr However, the team at Pi Squared ing targeted twice this year. Davis added: “The management of discovered posts on an Internet “Cruising” describes the act of the incident from a Security point of Firemen find the hydrants around Chem Eng inactive, requiring them forum, dating back as far as 2004, searching a public place in order to view went very well.” to bring water from the other side of the Sherfield bulding stating that the toilets were a good find a sex partner. felix 1,365 Friday 24.11.06

Sudan Tragedy Angry letters clues “The cause of Sudanese internal “The most common obstacle to conflict is generally attributed to solving crosswords is not knowing ethnic divisions and control over the types of clue commonly used, vital natural resources as well and finding them too complicated as the disparity in development as a result – in actual fact, there between ‘outer’ regions such as are only a dozen or so frequently Darfur and the wealthier ‘Blue Nile’ used types of clue (or parts area.” thereof) that are needed to solve PAGE 7 most crosswords.” PAGE 23 Shlo-motion hip hop “It is often suggested that he now IC rules the water represents Britain’s most gifted “Imperial dominated the compe- beatboxer and the set was cer- tition, as well as being the first tainly amongst the best I’ve seen.” university on the water. Notable PAGE 13 Lo-fi fashion highlights included: a top 5 place “A lot of the price tags will make for Chris in the highly competitive A thorny subject you choke, but you can find some Freestyle, a 2nd and 3rd in the “I’ve been looking forward to Dou- key fashion pieces here. So, if you advanced racing for Chris and Niall ble Agent ever since Splinter Cell: factor in the amount of wear you'll and top 5 places in the intermedi- Chaos Theory ended in an orgy of get per pound, you can easily ate fleet for Jahn and Jake - and silence and darkness last year.” justify the silly prices.” this was Jahns first SWA event!” Daniel Craig as 007 in the rawest Bond film yet, Casino Royale PAGE 17 PAGE 21 PAGE 26 PAGE 20 Friday 24 November 2006 felix 3

NEWS [email protected] Imperial answers Blair’s campaign As Science awakens to the need to reintegrate with society, Imperial takes leading outreach initiatives

David Ellis was to claim ‘I don’t know anything News Editor about that.’ Your reporter took up the chal- Tony Blair has burst onto the sci- lenge of putting this opinion to the ence stage, campaigning for a test. He asked many people what greater prominence in today’s they knew about maths, the vast society. majority responded by saying that The Prime Minister delivered a they ‘don’t know about that’. By speech to the Royal Society in Ox- comparison, very few claimed to ford, and gave an interview to New know nothing about music or film, Scientist magazine on the subject. and not one claimed to be illiterate. Sir Richard Sykes, Rector of Impe- So how is this issue being ad- rial College, wrote a paper for the dressed? One scheme that has been Prime Minister to prepare on the particularly successful is ‘Maths subject. Matters’, based at the Maths de- The move came as a decline in partment at Imperial College. Un- the number of science students be- der the scheme students work with came evident. Tony Blair said: “We Maths department staff, Exscitec, need our young people today to em- who also work with the Pimlico brace science enthusiastically, to Connection, and public speaking realise that challenges like climate expert Justine Jones to prepare ex- change can only be beaten by moti- citing presentations based on their vated and dedicated scientists, and own mathematical studies. The to understand that a career in sci- presentations aim to inspire pupils ence today is not a life all spent in by showing how mathematics is key Left to right: Rohit Biyani, Gareth Williams and Abdulaziz Mohamed practise their Maths presentation a laboratory but has the best busi- to many developments in society at ness and job prospects the mod- large, and are delivered to school ern world can offer. Science today pupils around London. The pres- reward always helps, I guess!) Even by Minna Ruohonen of IC Volunteer Berkshire of Maths department abounds both with noble causes entations are often politically rel- handing out bits of cauliflower (yes, Centre who helped turn the idea are a particularly innovative pair, and with glittering prizes: reach out evant, for example, one presenta- a cauliflower) for the kids to peruse into practice by providing contacts organising undergraduate studies for them. tion last year showed how maths is over did not result in mayhem or with external training, CRB checks at Imperial’s Maths department. “We need our scientists today to used in disease modelling, and was destruction. In fact, they were fas- and funding. Having set up a pioneering course be as celebrated and famous as our delivered at the time of the Bird Flu cinated by how maths could be ap- Felix asked Justine Jones what unit where undergraduates deliver sportsmen and women, our actors, scare. plied to the real world; at the end we sort of person should get involved, projects and presentations a few our business entrepreneurs. Scien- The scheme has received 100% were asked questions ranging from she said: “No experience is neces- years ago, which would eventually tists are stars too. This is Britain’s positive feedback, and students ‘What is the food like at university?’ sary; you don’t even need to be con- provide the material for Maths Mat- path to the future, lit by the brilliant had to be protected by the college (Clearly inspired by the sight of fident because it’s a learning proc- ters and later securing funding for light of science.” from demand by schools that could the cauliflower), to whether people ess. Whoever you are when you Maths Matters. A new idea being To follow up the Prime Minister’s potentially have damaged their used maths in to solve crimes, like walk in, we’ll teach you how to give put together by them with Dr. Emma comments, Felix spoke to Profes- studies. in a TV series.” presentations and you’ll walk out a McCoy, also of the Maths depart- sor Lord Robert Winston, the cel- Kam Cheng was a member of the Kam went on to speak at oth- confident public speaker. The one ment, is to send undergraduates ebrated fertilisation expert. Prof. ‘Sexy Maths’ team, the precursor er schools including inner city thing you do need is commitment.” to schools around London to teach Winston said that the problem fac- to Maths Matters and has stayed schools, the pupils of which he de- Alan West of Exscitec, who also pupils as part of their undergradu- ing science in modern society was with the scheme, now helping a scribes as who he describes as “the works with the Pimlico Connection, ate degree. The scheme is only in cultural, and that scientists should new generation of presenters. He kids we were aiming to encourage; enabled training and contact with preliminary planning, but has re- “stop talking about science and the recalls how cauliflowers were the those that may not have thought schools. Students became Science ceived a high amount of interest economy”, he also said: “Scientists unlikely link between sexy and about further study, let alone fur- and Engineering Ambassadors and from undergraduate students. Dr. come across as being dry, cold and maths: “With the help of a brilliant ther study in maths.” He also said: received training in presentation White said that if the course were to unethical, and that is our fault.” speaking coach who also advised “Using props not only brings to life skills over the course of a couple of go ahead, admission to the course He drew attention to the fact that on how to capture the audiences’ what numbers cannot, but also it months. would be limited and an interview scientists are sometimes perceived imagination, my group was able to provides a chance for interaction A further indication to the re- process would be necessary. as being arrogant and speaking create a presentation that involved with the audience, something es- markable success of the team came Science today is facing a problem; down to people. This view point is Powerpoint slides, visual aids and sential when you are dealing with when they were asked to speak to that much is clear. The problem is also held by Mrs. Justine Jones, interactive props, thus covering all an audience who have a short at- the Lighthill Institute of Mathemat- in the very culture of scientists who an expert on public speaking who the bases when it comes to teach- tentions span.” ical Science (LIMS) and the Lon- talk down to those they do not con- works with Imperial’s Maths stu- ing a new concept and making sure Viki Howse, a colleague of Kam’s, don Mathematics Centre (LMC) sider to be as enlightened as them. dents, she said: “When commu- it sticks. said that she had gained confidence, in March 2006, after a meeting be- A lack of communication skills, or nicating love of science in Maths, “The first school my group were public speaking skills, and learnt tween Prof. Holm and Professor perhaps a lack of will to communi- remember it is your challenge to invited to was a Catholic faith sec- how to explain complex problems Lord Julian Hunt, who was then Di- cate, that leaves the general public make the people you’re speaking to ondary school. The kids were very to people with less experience on rector of LIMS. The students were in the dark over developments in feel smart.” well behaved and were braver than the subject, she also added: “We also asked to take part in ‘think tank’ this area of our culture. Apparently Prof. Winston noted that it was we had planned for; every time we encourage to kids to continue stud- sessions at the conference that science needs to realise its place not ‘cool’ to know about science, needed a volunteer from audience, ies in science and maths… We’re aimed to bring together university as another part of culture just as that for many people the social many hands would be raised (al- answering the questions that teach- students and lecturers and school arts such as music, film and thea- standard when it came to science though the lure of chocolates as a ers hate.” pupils and teachers. The objective tre are. One of the main enabling factors was to “Bridge the gap at the school Felix asked Prof. Winston what in this success has been the level of university interface.” Ideas gener- advice he would give to students support provided. Professor Darryl ated have been shared between in- wanting to be involved in reintegrat- Holm of Imperial College’s Maths stitutions in London and there are ing science into modern culture, he department first thought of the idea plans for an annual joint event with said: “Go to the theatre, read lit- when Sir Richard Sykes called for LIMS and LMC addressing the is- erature, play a musical instrument, outreach programme involvement sue. Teresa Smart, Project Man- humanities are very important, try in 2005. Prof. Holm said: “An e-mail ager for LMC and Imperial alumni to realise it’s not wrong to do these went round asking for volunteers to said: “The conference was very things, in fact it’s right.” The ad- take part in outreach programmes, successful, both sides opened bal- vice raises an important point. Sci- but the suggestions were along the anced dialogue… [The conference] entists cannot afford to segregate lines a soccer league or a charity is something people still remember themselves from modern culture in sale. and that gets them speaking.” the pursuit of science. “Justine and I had just helped a The event was co-organised by On the other hand, it is also ap- bunch of 2nd year students with a Professor Celia Hoyles OBE, the parent that there is a whole com- presentation they were giving on Chief Adviser for Mathematics at munity of very talented individuals mathematics. They improved so the Department for Skills and Edu- working to resolve the issue. Some much, and so quickly. I just thought cation (DfES) installed by Charles of these individuals are at Imperial that there were all these students Clarke in 2004. College, and they provide the op- making very good presentations for Prof. Hunt expressed a desire to portunity to students here to suc- their course that would just sit on speak to Felix on the issue, but un- ceed in winning round future gen- the shelf once they got their marks. fortunately is occupied in the US. erations to the science as a part of “Why not come up with a pro- He did point out that there is now culture. Others are doing the same gramme that involved academics a similar scheme to Maths Matters at their various universities and in- Left to roght: Min Jung Son, Sharmishtha Roy and Mohammad doing what they actually do?” running at UCL. stitutions, and all are open to shar- Akhtar wrote the script for their presentation on Random Mechanics The idea was further developed Dr. Lynda White and Dr. Frank ing ideas and discussion. 4 felix Friday 24 November 2006

TRAVEL [email protected] Barbed wire, lesbians, and poetry Peter Dominiczak and a man known only as Big Iain explore England’s near-mythical hills, the Quantocks

s a Scotsman, I had ing one through more and more tri- always been of the fling places, until you finally arrive opinion that England’s in ‘nowhere’ – the wondrous centre landscapes were no of absolutely, bloody nowhere - and more than the unwant- fall to the ground, writhing in rural Aed bastard children of the High- ecstasy. First the bus rolls through lands; the lands which the glaciers Bristol – giving me just enough felt too beneath them to twist and time to caress civilisation once trample beneath their icy mass, more – and then onwards to unin- leaving them flat and pointless, spiring Taunton, the ‘hub’ of Som- useful only for daffodils and Little erset. For a hub, Taunton contains Chefs. I always thought of Scot- little more than a few idiot youths land as Zeus atop Olympus; violent, clad in garish sportswear, inhaling magnificent and powerful, hurling spray meant only for their grubby, bolts of lightning down at inferior miscreant underarms. Taunton England below – mere mortals at also contains one or two pubs sell- the foot of the mountain, having a ing oddly fruity beer to idiot adults good think, nibbling feta, and bend- who clearly misspent their own ing over. youths inhaling the same sprays as But a couple of years living with an their inglorious progeny. We sit and Englishman who gets teary at the watch these semi-vegetative goons, very thought of an oak tree has sof- now able only to slump awkwardly, tened my heart and, bags packed, I beer clenched tight, exclaiming decided it was time to venture forth four-lettered examples of finest into Albion; leaving preconceptions Saxon lingo, and occasionally cre- behind in jagged glens and crys- ating a unique sort of art atop the tal-clear lochs. Compete, England, mahogany bar with their dribble. compete. Deciding where to go was All hail Taunton! problematical, like choosing be- Trundling further into unknown tween the various shades of brown England, we are distilled to our pe- paint at B&Q. There were dales and nultimate destination: an unspoilt, moors, coves, caves, meadows and perfectly formed piece of total aim- marsh. But out of nowhere, from lessness. When the directions to a the very depths of my soul, poured place are given by the phrase: ‘get the word that would change eve- off the bus at the smell,’ one knows rything: Quantocks. Now virtually the jackpot has been well and truly nobody in England knows where hit. Welcome to Watchet, Somerset: Our intrepid duo, Peter (left) and Iain (right), swapping Lithuania for, uhm, the glamour of Somerset the Quantocks are, or if in fact they a shatteringly pointless seaside exist at all. They are a void, a fable; retreat that does indeed exist in like Narnia, or the Midlands. Big an otherworldly scent-bubble that was or is obviously ensued, but no to offer. The surroundings – finally up hills, dense with woodland and Iain – travelling companion, giant, nestles comfortably between sew- answers which would vindicate the panoramic rather than glimpsed in sheep. Having done our Holford and English patriot – suggested age and the long-neglected gusset funding of this floating hate-crime snatches from a grubby coach hur- homework, we recognised Hodders that the Quantocks were possibly of a darts player. Save for the smell, could be reached. Mr. Blair has a tling along a motorway – took on a Combe (a combe being one of Eng- a distant galaxy visited on occasion a pub, and loose connections with lot to answer for. new sharpness and significance; land’s more spurious geographi- by television’s own Lycra-clad fools, Coleridge’s ‘Rime of the Ancient hills lolling as far as the eye could cal features. Where I come from, trekking the stars, seeking out Mariner’, Watchet has almost no see. Kites, hovering delicately, we don’t register ‘narrow valleys’, knowledge and females that would redeeming qualities. Its postcards fter a final bus journey scouted for prey and great lum- only calamitous glens), and the red- finally touch them. Inspection of a claim points of interest, but these up-wind of the stench, bering sentry-like trees guarded brick dog pound where, a few hun- cartographer’s magical produce re- are lies invented by the presum- we neared our desti- some gargantuan secret garden - it dred years ago, the absent-minded vealed that the Quantocks exist in ably now-suicidal tourist board. nation: Holford. It has was all quite startling. My bucolic huntsman got eaten by his once- Somerset, just over the water from Our happiest discovery was that to be said that quite revelations were confirmed to me faithful beasts. Staring at that scene Cardiff, in that area of the world of the ‘Gay Archer’: a rather large Asuddenly on that bus everything by Big Iain, who – I’m not joking of grizzly death, I expressed deep where people insist on worshipping gunship cloistered in the dock that became incredibly beautiful. I was – began singing ‘Jerusalem’ to the regret that Otis Ferry and company large stones and oftentimes apples. explained a great deal about why experiencing a kind of pastoral majority of the bus with the kind of clearly have their hounds under We were off. the Iraq war has descended into Stendhal syndrome. All at once, I genuine emotion reserved for fu- control. Past elegant thatched cot- Getting to the Quantocks is a kind such catastrophe. Much discussion was hit by the astounding wonder- nerals or stubbed toes. I asked him tages - one which boasts of housing of township-filtration process, tak- as to who this homophobic mariner fulness that rolling England has what he was doing and with a tear Wordsworth for about three days in in his eye he merely sighed: ‘Ahh- 1798 - we trekked onwards; allow- hhh… England. Sweet England. Oh ing ourselves a moment to recre- look, A copse!’ and with that Jeru- ate a scene from Robin Hood that salem rang out once again. I tried was filmed here. I was a magnifi- to imbibe the spirit of England, rev- cent Kevin Costner, whilst Iain per- elling in the atmosphere Iain was formed admirably as Little John; creating in his portable Albert Hall: fighting with big sticks and shooting the rickety number nine to Holford, invisible arrows brought us closer driven by a cold-hearted man who to nature than ever before. It was a I could only presume had suffered heart warming event. all of this many times before in the Suddenly, through a crowd of past. trees, the hostel appeared like We stepped off the bus to a cluster manna from heaven, offering tired of cottages and a defunct pub. The souls sanctuary from all the fresh pub had been bought by two smiling air. The hostel was an architec- Americans who were in the proc- tural phenomenon: an enormous ess of renovating it in order to cre- magnolia shack at the top of a hill, ate – one can only assume – some porches and balconies jutting out nightmarish calamity of Yankee willy-nilly, seemingly disrespecting histrionic décor. We trudged off, gravity and engineering conven- thinking about the arduous walk tion. It didn’t seem to suit Somerset we would be forced to make to the so much as Tennessee Williams’ next pub, but maintaining good deep south of the U.S.; if Marlon spirits, safe in the knowledge that Brando had stumbled out of the within the year those grinning front door, screaming about ‘damn buffoons would either be back in broads’ and swigging from a bottle Florida, aghast and confused as to of canned heat, I would have ex- why farmers wouldn’t want to drink pressed only mild surprise. Once in a Mickey Mouse-themed Olde inside the hostel, our zeal soon English Pube (sic), or – we can but gave way to woe and trepidation. dream – peppered with Olde Eng- For, you see, hostels are frequented lish bullets. Having no real concept by a truly alarming bunch. They are of where our accommodation was, a refuge for the great pantheon of The Gay Archer. I feel that this picture doesn’t really need a caption, in the interests of correctness we proceeded to wander aimlessly the globe’s oddities and cranks. Friday 24 November 2006 felix 5

TRAVEL [email protected]

e were greeted out that they were just geese. Sadly, by a duo of mid- we were still lost on a Quantock. dle-aged leftist Escaping the marshland, we came Canadian les- upon a wire fence at the foot of the bians, who took slope. We had to try. Just making it Wour money whilst looking lovingly over, I looked over my shoulder just at one another and then promptly in time to see Big Iain come close showed us to our dormitory which but fall at the last, jagged hurdle. contained a veritable confederacy If you have never seen a 6’ 7” man of non-compos. In hostels, there skewered on a barbed wire fence, exists an almost cultish belief that I can assure you it is a sight to this is the only way to travel. This is behold. delusion on a grand scale, the con- Like an abandoned marionette stant elephant in the room being flung haphazardly on the floor, the fact that hostels are basically strings knotted and tangled, Iain countryside hideouts for bearded was attached at the arm. “I’m sex-pests and socialists: two of the stuck,” he said morosely. I laughed; most hideous fringe groups our he swore. For seemingly an age he society has to offer. Quite frankly, struggles; finally looking up, with a sharing bunk-beds with strangers look of terminal despondency, say- ceases to be appropriate some time ing: “just go on without me.” I re- between getting your bike’s stabi- membered all the Vietnam films I’d lizers removed and the dropping of ever seen. When you’re in the suck one’s testicles. soldier, you never leave a man be- This is not outrage at having to hind! We heave and twist, scream slum it, I assure you; I have stayed at each other until finally he is free in some alarming holes in my time (I and over the barbed obstacle. We live in one now, in fact). Spectacular scramble up the slick, muddy slope, monstrosities of cockroach-mottled and at the top strain our eyes in bathroom floors and flea-crusted the moonlight examining the deep beds with gruesome stains of blood blue rivulets trickling down Iain’s or vomit as a bedside companion. arm. The relief is palpable and, a But at least they had locks, and few hundred feet along the path, we there wasn’t a blimp called Kevin see the landing strip of life beneath sleeping above me who lists his us signifying our village, and (more hobbies as walking, ales, and strok- importantly) the pub. Quantocks ing cadavers. A lock frees the mind conquered again. from worries normally reserved for showering convicts, and will forever be my only necessity when on coun- he next morning we try jaunts. ‘Settled in’, we attacked wake, and beard and the pub with aplomb, returning pants man tell us the seconds before the hostel’s curfew socialist Canadians are – covered head to foot in stings re- after us. Perhaps we sulting form an ill-advised, alcohol Tstormed in post-libations, and tore kindled leap over a wall into a well- the hostel apart – waking every- cultivated patch of angry nettles. one and causing much distress. We Day one: success! pack and escape through the back The next day we wake early to the door. The best way to escape an en- sight of a bulging, bearded galoot raged crocodile is to run in zigzags. wearing only loose pants. Dressing Their turning circle and lumbering hastily with eyes averted we stoi- mass are such that the scaled mon- cally shake off hangovers and stride ster cannot work with either the zig out onto the hills. or the zag for sustained periods of My word, are these ever hills. time. Socialist-Lesbian-Canadians, These are merely hills, as the Eiffel however, are not flummoxed by the Tower is merely a jazzed up elec- zigzag, or indeed sprints through tricity pylon. The Quantocks are an dense woodland. They are an angry expanse of undulating land as far as bunch, a hardy predator, and a wor- the eye can behold, you wander over thy foe to the city-dweller seeking verdurous land with sinuous sea as nourishment from the verdant teat a navy backdrop. We were wander- of Somerset. ing adventurers from ages past, but The above chase is a fabrication, instead of hunting for food to sup- I admit. The lesbian-Canadians port clans, we were hunting for the merely wanted to pleasantly thank pub over the hills. Dressed in jeans us for purchasing them milk the and t-shirts, we spectacularly blew previous night. It was the country- apart the dogmas of the GoreTex side that made me re-arrange the brigade: loners with an outward- truth: it enervates the spirit and bound store upon their back and a demands the elevation of the mun- scowl on their face. They walk up dane to the intrepid. The ladies and up, grinding towards their goal quizzing me on my socialist virtues then reach the top, mark a tick in a (lost in a near-fatal collision with re- leather notepad, and walk straight ality in 1999) was not enough. The back down to the nearest festering Quantocks had caused my heart to hostel. To hell with them. We were demand the chase! innovators; we climbed the Quan- Somerset is London’s antithesis tocks highest peak and feasted on and its spiritual nemesis. Som- slightly rotten chicken and Chianti erset is the Arcadian Albion that of an unknown age. Coleridge and Wordsworth cooed Yes, we stumbled through a deer over – “So will I build my altar in sanctuary in a haze; yes, we prac- the fields / And the blue sky my tised Karate Kid moves on a fallen fretted dome shall be.” Beauteous, tree in a wood; but we conquered rolling England distilled perfectly. those hills like no GoreTex-mon- London is Dante’s first circle of hell key ever will, and after five hours – metropolitan nightmare, chaotic in a pub we found ourselves in pitch and lung-chokingly smoggy, but es- darkness: back on our conquered sential and somehow we think it’s hills, lost and very afraid. absolutely wonderful, just a little Somehow we had wandered off bit better than the rest of Lucifer’s into marshland and were now knee- domain. deep in sludge. We were inebriated So for goodness sake go and enjoy and, owing to fear, had worsened the nation fate has bestowed upon the situation by topping up our us. Forget middle-class wet dreams levels with the emergency whis- of Tuscany and the Algarve. The key. Fear had claimed me. I heard Quantocks can change us all. But distant mammalian noises: ‘Iain, before departing, be sure to learn Top: no explanation was offered with this picture. I’m sure it made sense at the time are those wolves?’ I asked, ‘Shit. the words to ‘Jerusalem’, or your Middle: Iain, presumably after his battle with a fence, pretending he’s some kind of commando Wolves.’ It took us an age to figure trip will be entirely pointless. Bottom: the beautiful countryside; spoiled by a shot of Peter’s boxer shorts as he attempts a cartwheel unionpage Imperial says “yes” to NUS So what happens now?

After thirty years in the wilderness, the students of The benefi ts of the NUS discount card will take a Imperial College London have voted to rejoin the little longer to kick in. As our membership will not National Union of Students. be ratifi ed until February 13th 2007, our Union will not be allowed to sell NUS Extra Cards until Although the perceived wisdom was that Imperial Valentines Day. students would never vote to join the NUS, I was confi dent that a sizeable cohort of Imperial students In terms of participating in the democratic processes John Collins believed that the benefi ts of affi liation outweighed of the NUS, you can expect to see developments here President the benefi ts of isolation. I think that the message soon. We will be running cross campus elections for [email protected] our members are sending is that theyʼre not 100% delegates to next yearʼs national conference in the sure if the NUS is right for us, but seeing as weʼre New Year, so if youʼre interested in standing then leaving the University of London Union, theyʼre look out for further publicity this January. willing to give it a go. I also believe that the majority of our students are open-minded about what NUS The next step can do for us but they expect to see results soon. Now that we have chosen to join the NUS, I believe Whilst I am delighted at this result and, more that we need to be proactive within it. Our members importantly, the record breaking turnout we didnʼt vote us in to sit on the sidelines - they expect registered last week, I must acknowledge that us to work with those within the NUS who support a signifi cant number of our students oppose reform. affi liation to the NUS and these students will be understandably disappointed. To those who voted During the referendum campaign I spoke to many “no”, I urge you not to panic or feel too despondent; students who told me that they would like the Union the Union isnʼt going to burn down tomorrow and to push for the expansion of electronic voting, the our clubs will still be as well funded next year as establishment of a science and engineering network, they are now. Now letʼs move forward together and and stronger representation for international try to make the NUS work for all of our students. students within the NUS. These are great ideas that I believe we should pursue. However, we need time When will we start to see benefi ts of NUS to prepare these proposals, seek allies and build membership? support for the reforms we want to implement.

Some of the benefi ts of NUS affi liation will be This is why I think calls to hold another referendum realisable very soon – support services for our in twelve months time are misplaced. Our students staff and senior offi cers are now available and our have told our Union to give the NUS half a chance representatives will soon be invited to contribute to prove itself. How can we tell out members that to regional conferences, policy forums and we have tried to work with the NUS and reform it seminars. As we have simply swapped one federal before we have even had the opportunity to draft a organisation (ULU) for another (NUS), problems motion for consideration by national conference? relating to reciprocal agreements with other Studentsʼ Unions and additional University of So letʼs give the NUS a chance. In around 18 months London Union withdrawal matters have now been time we can reassess the situation, but for now instantly resolved without extra cost or fuss. I suggest that we go with the will of the majority of students who voted in the record breaking referendum last week, and support our National Union. GSA Update

Well boys and girls, The “3 Colleges Night” was very successful with more Hope youʼve had an eventful term and as it comes fl amboyance than a GSA to a close I thought I would advertise the GSA night has seen for a while! Christmas Ball on Monday the 11th of December. Please buy tickets online at imperialcollegeunion.org. All agreed that this should become a regular event This event promises to be a lavish aff air with 3 and weʼre even looking for Shama Rahman course meals, complimentary drinks, live band, a GSA-RCA representative, Deputy President hookah, luges and an “invisible” guest-speaker! so if youʼre interested (Graduate Students) Tickets are £25 all inclusive (vegetarian options please do contact me! available) and will be on sale for the next 2 weeks. [email protected] If you have any problems, donʼt hesitate to email me at [email protected]

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 Friday 24 November 2006 felix 7

POLITICS [email protected] Remembering the Sudanese

Li-Teck Lau a humanitarian tragedy. The Jan- seen to have been reluctant to act jawid have been accused of murder, in a full and forceful capacity to end On February 23rd 2003, a group loot, pillage, rape and mutilation. the crisis. Although the UN inves- known as the Darfur Liberation By spring of 2004, over a million tigative team reported have ‘mass Front took public credit for an at- people had been displaced fleeing killings’, the official term of ‘geno- tack on the Headquarters of the the violence with 100,000 crossing cide’ was not attributed to the situa- Omar Hashmi Jebel Marra region in Sudan. This into Chad, creating the worst refu- tion. Genocide would have demand- is regarded as the beginning of a gee crisis of recent times. Virtually ed action to be taken. Many argue Politics Editor conflict described by the outgoing all of them were from the Fur, Mas- that the US interventions in Iraq UN co-ordinator in Sudan, Mukesh saleit or Zagawa tribes and none and Afghanistan have prevented think that you will agree, Kapila, as the “World’s greatest were of Arabic origin, making the it from engaging in other conflicts that there are often so many humanitarian disaster”, but was conflict appear racially motivated. such as Sudan. There is suggestion tradgedies in the world that merely the side act at a time when The current death toll as a direct that a possible veto by permanent occur in such frequency the Sudanese Government and result of conflict today stands at Security Council member China and quick succession, that the international community were 200,000, and in May 2004, Interna- may have prevented a resolution Iwe do not ever do justice to each engaged in drawing the north Af- tional Crisis Group estimated a implementing a UN force because individual one. A gift of charity rican country’s second civil war Displaced Sudanese children further 350,000 people will die from of economics interests in the area. or a passing thought are often to a close at the ‘Navaisha show’ starvation and illness due to the re- Sudan Liberation Army troops all that can be given, and in the negotiations. moteness of the Darfur region. and Government of Sudan forces grand scheme of things it is hardly The area of Darfur has a popula- and the capture of 32 others, includ- United Nations Security Council may have, up until now, adhered enough from any one of us, even tion of around six million, of which ing a General. This unprecedented Resolution 1564, passed in October to such ceasefire terms in the May though the act itself may be quite approximately half are black Afri- victory by an increasingly unified of 2004, set up an investigative unit Agreement, but the treaty has only impressive. If we remember these can. The other half are ethnically rebel faction sparked a change in into Human Rights abuses in the lead to a more factitious and cha- events and resolve to do whatever Arab, and form the ruling govern- the psychology and tactical ap- region. Resolution 1590 in March of otic situation with those unhappy is in our power to do, then perhaps ment. The cause of Sudanese inter- proach pursued by the Govern- the next year acknowledged the se- with the terms continuing to fight we can as a society, hope to truly nal conflict is generally attributed ment regarding the emerging cri- riousness of the situation and called unilaterally. help those in need. to ethnic divisions and control over sis. With national troops positioned for the return of refugees to their The last weekend saw a visit by If even the UN finds it difficult to vital natural resources as well as in the south to maintain peace at homes and more aid to get to the UN humanitarian chief Jan Ege- maintain peace in countries riddled the disparity in development be- the end of the civil war, and in the affected populations. After the Dar- land to the affected areas, but his with war, then surely it is incumbent tween ‘outer’ regions such as Dar- east protecting various important fur Peace Agreement was signed trip was cut short due to Khar- on all of Humanity, each and ever fur and the wealthier ‘Blue Nile’ infrastructure from other Eritrean in May 2006, the UN passed an- toum restrictions and increasing single individual, to help in ways area. One of the primary goals of sponsored rebels, the defence of other Resolution, 1679, stating the violence. that we can. Let’s not be unrealistic, the black African rebels is to gain the western province of Darfur was need for an accelerated UN peace On Wednesday 15th November, not everyone can give up their day greater ethnic representation in then delegated to a militia group keeping plan, and called for 17,000 the government of Sudan is re- job, sell their house and move, but Parliament and to have a Dafurian known as the Janjawid. troops to replace the token and in- ported to have launched major of- if we all collectively give the small Vice President. The Janjawid had first come to effective 7,000 strong African Union fensives in the north Darfur area, amount of time we all have spare to The rest of 2003 saw the Sudan prominence in the suppression of force. Even on the day of signing, though it denies this. Foreign jour- the “good cause” then that amount Liberation Army and the Justice similar uprisings in 1996-1999, also an attack involving 200 Janjawid on nalists are now being denied visas. of effort is enough. and Equality Movement escalate backed by the government, only camel back entered various villag- There are still 2 million displaced Now what remains is to see that attacks on Government of Sudan this time they were better equipped es killing civilians and destroying persons in the western Sudanese no external controls hold back a forces in the Darfur region. In April and with more weapons, including and looting property. The Sudanese province, unable to return because country’s healing, which is usually of that year, 33 Landrovers were artillery. government maintains its opposi- of continuing violence and lawless- due to the actions of a neighbour used in an attack on an army gar- With a mandate to stop the insur- tion to a UN mission as a violation ness. African Union troops are also or a far richer, developed power rison which claimed the lives of 75 gency, the Arab paramilitary force of sovereignty, and describes the unable to protect all the refugee further away. soldiers and military personnel, the proceeded to wage a technologically situation as an ‘internal matter’. camps from Janjawid and Govern- Our effort must not be plagued destruction of several bomber units one sided war which has grown into The international community is ment of Sudan strikes. by corrupt ineffectiveness. Bush’s Latest Visit Learning from the leaders

Adil Hussein Omar Hashmi

U.S. President George W. Bush You know what? It may only be my visited Indonesia on Monday, the second week in the job but I’ve de- last stop of an eight-day post-elec- cided to calm down for now; heck tion Asia tour that included visits to maybe drop this column. I’ve de- Singapore and Vietnam. Bush held cided to follow the lead of the noble talks with Indonesian President Matthew Taylor, Tony Blair’s out- Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. He going chief strategy advisor. This heaped praises on Indonesia, con- week he commented that for all sidered a key US key ally in the war its achievements, the Internet was against Islamic militancy. fuelling a “crisis” in today’s democ- “I admire your nation’s diver- racy. Mr. Taylor claims that blogs sity and its plurality. I admire your encourage “citizens to participate president and his commitment to in a shrill discourse of demands” reform and strengthening democ- Bush meets President Yudhoyono rather then more reasoned debate. racy,” Bush told them with Yud- (Am I the only one worried by that hoyono at his side. Amidst the visit, phrase? Are the Labour party plan- Is the WebCameron blog fueling a crisis in today’s democracy? thousands of protesters ignored and expressed their opinion about ning to send us off to an alien planet monsoon rain and thunder to chant my policies.” “That’s what happens to fight big bugs to learn to be ‘True anti-Bush slogans. Some protestors when you make hard decisions”. Citizens’? It scares the living piss afterwards to ask him to clarify his in mind that as signatories to the held banners that read “Bush is a Asked how he would comfort Mus- out of me!). He also complained position but he only replied with an EU’s Human Rights Act, the UK terrorist!” and “You’re not welcome lims who fear that his policies tar- that internet articles gave the im- Internet clip of himself riding on a is committed to condemning the here!” get them, Bush replied: “I believe pression that “our leaders are out bike, telling me that he’s ‘consider- use of the death penalty. When I President Bush was unruffled freedom is universal and democ- there to shaft you”. ing my letter which was very nice, sent an email confronting him on and commenting on the protests racy is universal, I don’t believe it’s So this week I’m not going to be incidentally!’ (See? WebCameron this, I immediately got a reply from surrounding his visit, praised what the sole right of the United States, cock-eyed about politics. Instead, is a perfect example of how leaders [email protected], which he said was a display of Indonesia’s or the sole right of Methodists.” I’ll be straight-faced. Who’s a bet- discuss policies fairly! The system consisted solely of a spinning pic- democracy. “People protest, that’s The US president added, some- ter example to learn from about works!) ture of a vortex and the words “This a good sign,” he said. “It’s a sign of what ironically, “I believe the vast reasoned argument that from our It was now time to contact La- did not happen” in large red font. I a healthy society.” majority of people want to live in dear leaders themselves? Take bour to discuss some of their fairer only broke out of the spell by break- At the joint press conference, he moderation and not have extrem- the loveable, happy, go-lucky guy policies; I had naïve hopes that this ing the monitor with my fist. That’s said that he “applauds a society ists kill innocent people.” David ‘Dave’ Cameron; who, in a re- would work, considering the famous £300 you owe me, Labour. where people are free to come ex- With security concerns para- sponse to the Queen’s speech made press conference last week when So as you can see my adventures press their opinion”. He continued, mount, Bush stayed only about a drawn out and not at all imma- our dear leader, Tony Blair, showed to engage with politicians on a “It’s to Indonesia’s credit that it’s six hours in Indonesia. After din- ture attempt at humour with a joke an amazing example of leader- straight level has kinda fallen flat. a society where people are able to ner with Yudhoyono, Bush set out where the punch line called the La- ship by squirming out of denounc- But nil desperandum, I’m sure I’ll protest and say what they think. for Hawaii, where he was to have bour government: “a whiter shade ing the death sentence of Saddam learn to engage coherently in time And it’s not the first time, by the breakfast with U.S. troops and visit of fail”. I can feel my ribs breaking Hussein (the evil scum-bag him- and raise my debating standard to way, where people have showed up the U.S. Pacific Command. as I write. I tried to contact Davey self. Altogether now – Boo!). Bear that of our leaders! 8 felix Friday 24 November 2006 Comment&Opinion A psychotic death cult? Halls Saad Raja responds to “Islam, Violence and the empires” (Felix 1364, 17 November) watch

ast week Samuel Lynas authority assisted the Byzantine firm control, killing only those Byz- shared his thoughts on ruler during the siege of his capital. antines who actively resisted’, i.e. Muslim military conduct Their silence here was not a protest soldiers. The merciful entry of the during the fall of Constan- against foreign invasion, but consent Ottomans was such that ‘decrees tinople, the subject of an to the arrival of a much-welcomed were issued guaranteeing protec- articleL on Imperial’s Islamic Society force. tion of the lives and properties of all (ISoc) website. Unfortunately, his Lynas described the blood bath inhabitants, regardless of religion’. account of this historic event is both that the invading army made of So welcomed was the Ottoman con- misleading and misinformed. Pre- Constantinople’s citizens with the quest of the city that ‘Muslims, Ar- dictably, his conclusion – ISoc cel- accompanying ‘rape, pillage and en- menians, Jews, Greeks, Slavs, and ebrates barbaric ‘unprovoked Mus- slavement of the defeated peoples’. others came from all parts of the lim conquests’ – suffers accordingly. How could a prophesized Muslim empire. Many Jews were attracted Warden Muslims agree that war is not good army behave in such an inhumane from as far away as Western Europe, per se but nonetheless maintain that manner? The short answer is that where they were being subjugated Mike Bluck it can, at times, yield a greater good they didn’t. Lynas seems to have to a new wave of persecution at this for humanity: such was the under- based his gory account solely on the time’. Why would all these people ’m no authority on statis- standing of Sultan Mehmet II. uncritical adoption of Steven Run- come to the new Ottoman adminis- tics, and even less aware of Saad Raja The siege of Constantinople was ciman’s ‘The Fall of Constantinople trated Constantinople if conditions current thinking on social not, as was suggested, an unpro- 1453’, a book which has little, if any, were as bleak as Runciman had psychology but when I be- voked imperial raid, but can be justi- academic authority in the field of described? Such was the religious came a warden a few years fied by the standards even of ‘decent Ottoman history. Not only does this tolerance of the Ottomans that ‘the Iago, I had always imagined that a “The key to people’ today. The Byzantine Em- author lack command of the Otto- Greek clergy were exempted from sample of 270 people would be a pire had actively encouraged and man-Turkish language (a pre-req- taxes and left in charge of Church reasonable representation of the overcoming facilitated Crusaders in their crimes uisite for access to reliable archival administration. The danger here graduate population. (OK, I know, against the peoples of the Levant, material) but his work is poorly ref- is not in remembering worthy con- its hardly scientific and it’s really such obstacles indiscriminately slaughtering not erenced with sources that are false, quests like that of Constantinople, a very small sample of the whole, only Muslims, but Jews and other biased or out-of-date. Had Lynas but in writers ‘unfamiliar with the but 270 is a big number as far as is to educate Christians as well. The capture of made reference to established history’ misconstrue the evidence I’m concerned – especially when its capital created a buffer zone be- scholars of Ottoman Studies, like at hand and thereby portraying Is- they’ve discovered absinthe…) I ourselves about tween the Anatolian plate and main- Stanford J. Shaw and Halil Inalcik, lam as a ‘psychotic death cult’. The had tacitly assumed that one year land Europe, thereby ensuring the the story of the conquest would have key to overcoming such obstacles would be largely like the others. Of what Islam safety of its citizens. In addition, the been dramatically different and far is to educate ourselves about what course, basing any assumptions on Byzantine emperors were oppress- closer to the truth than Runciman’s Islam actually teaches rather than such weak statistical evidence is actually teaches” ing their own subjects, over-taxing politically motivated description. taking wholesale media misrepre- bound to produce some eye-open- the poor and persecuting religious For example, in contrast to Run- sentations like Lynas’ article. (Eve- ing conclusions: Did you know in minorities. It would have been a cry- ciman’s portrayal that the Muslim ryone is welcome attend ISoc events my time as warden, of the great ing shame indeed for any authority invaders ‘slew everyone that they for this purpose). This is why ISoc family of Wilsonites I’ve known, to stand by in face of such atrocities. met in the streets, men, women must be encouraged in their efforts there is likely to be at least one History demanded intervention. and children without discrimina- to highlight humanity’s struggle who will serve time at Her Majes- This, evidently, was also the view tion’, Stanford Shaw in his ‘History against tyranny and not bow down to ties Pleasure? Or that there are of contemporary Europeans: not a of the Ottoman Empire’ informs us the pressures of unqualified pseudo perhaps thirty who would admit to single European nation, leader or that ‘Mehmet kept his troops under historians. supporting Manchester United. I’m not sure which is worse… Experience has taught me only one maxim: Every year is dif- ferent. Some years have been noisy– which presents its own Student politicians: hang them all now! problems but creates a fantastic atmosphere. Other years have been highly competitive – both in aving already bored inclusive? What could possibly be us out of our precious little cash the conventional sporting sense the pants off anyone more socially inclusive than having so they can throw it all at clubs & and the social sense. Some years who’s tried reading a successful, thriving social scene societies. are quieter but no less sociable felix over the past centred around a popular and well- On the other hand charging stu- for that. Even the use of the hall fortnight, let’s all be frequented union bar? A bar which dents £2.05 for a Grolsch or £3 for facilities changes. Some years Hgrateful that this whole ‘NUS refer- students flock to for a quick plough- an Old Rosie, in a bar supposed to the TV lounge is the centre of hall endum’ bollocks, er I mean debate man’s and orange juice at lunch, a be run for students by students, and life, other years it’s the entrance is finally over and done with. Per- couple of beers in the evening to dis- then expecting people to flock to it foyer. Sometimes it’s the area just haps now I’ll be able to walk down cuss the day’s equations and finally is madness, unless you have a re- outside the hall – possibly to watch the walkway without being accost- a great night out accompanied by a ally nice set-up, like LSE or Kings, our exotic neighbours ply their ed by someone wearing a monkey few snakebites on a Friday night. A or at least a wider mix of people trade! Part of the whole Wilson outfit and an nus t-shirt trying to bar renowned for its friendly and and genders than we do at Impe- experience is the sheer variety of tell me how to vote. Anyway whilst exciting atmosphere! Yes, in case rial. It is especially painful to have life here: Minutes from the wealth ploughing through some of the gar- anyone hadn’t noticed, the above to shell out this much when the cur- of Hyde Park and Marylebone, bage written in felix by some so- is a picture of a typical university rent Deputy President (Finances yet yards away from the seedier Christopher called campaigners – most of whom student bar, replicated many times & Services) last year promised, side of life in Paddington, with its appear to have never written more throughout the country, and which if elected, to lower drinks prices. largely vice based economy. Such Thomas than two consecutive sentences we sadly don’t have a great copy of. He also stated immediately after a refreshing change from the her- before, I was struck by a couple of Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think his election that he would seek to metically sealed sterility of South quotes from some Very Important the union bars are bad as such, de- “correct the unacceptable increase Kensington and it environs! and Distinguished People. For in- spite the best efforts of last year’s in bar and events prices”. Well, ei- It is impossible to say why there stance I was somewhat perturbed sabbs to turn DaVinci’s into a clinic, ther due to convenience or sheer are these differences, but some “On the plus to see Gemma Tumelty, NUS Presi- thoughtfully ripping out the carpet incompetence, it seems the very things stay the same. Throughout dent, exclaiming to us “You are not and replacing it with grey plastic same man has overseen a situation my time, Wilson House has been side this should my member” – well thank god for – however not many people would where we’ve come back to find that blessed with hardworking sen- that, or else her picture would have argue that the affirmation that it’s prices have actually gone up since iors and dedicated wardens and I at least serve been pretty misleading. certainly not as good as it could be, last year – thanks Jon Matthews, thank each and every one of them Perhaps more shocking however or even as good as any other Lon- we’re all really happy we voted for for making Wilson House what it to expose the was the statement written by the don union bar – why? Because not you, and don’t feel at all betrayed! is today – a home for some of the Rt. Hon. John Collins that “We could enough people go there. How can Oh well, on the plus side this should brightest, friendliest students I’ve weakness of the spend our newly acquired £79,000 you make more people go there? at least serve to expose the weak- ever met. What’s more, it gives me on beer but… I would suggest that Cheaper drinks, its as simple as ness of the union election system, a lot more interesting things to say union election is not a mature or inclusive way that. The union bar is surely a vital in which the sabbs do not appear to at dinner parties than my day job ), of allocating iCU’s resources”… service which the union provides us be held to account for anything they especially when my list of anecdo- system” what? Come again? Not mature or students rather than a way to milk promise in their manifesto. tal statistics has dried up. Friday 24 November 2006 felix 9

COMMENT & OPINION [email protected] Wielding the Extremism on campus? mighty organ The Flaming Rat tells of the dark forces at work deep in the Beit Quad

n a shock expose, Felix has occurred during the NUS disaffiliation pletely under their control while RCSU learned of a dark side to ICU. referendum in the late 1970s with sev- insisted on the right to defend the mi- Some of you may previously have eral volunteers expressing irreconcil- nority interests of JMC students who seen the Union as a benign or- able views on the subject. This resulted are in the no-mans land position, strad- ganisation that run your bars in the only example of an open battle dling both faculties. A bitter conflict andI look after your clubs. All is not as it between the factions and the only time was fought but after a JMC-brokered seems my friends. Undercover journal- in living memory that trench warfare ceasefire they re-united to oppose the ists have spent the last 3 years infiltrat- has occurred on Queens Lawn. Both establishment of ICSM. “First drinks ing a part of ICU that few know about sides suffered massive casualties and for women, now votes for medics. We’re and even fewer will dare speak of. Op- have learned from their mistakes with going to hell in a handcart” shrieked the erating out of their secret headquarters both vowing to continue their struggle newly appointed leader Ben, a 4th year Andy Sykes located deep underneath Beit Quad are underground. Even to this day PICU JMC student who asked both faculties PICU, the Paramilitary Wing of Impe- members against the NUS are still to put their sectarian differences to one Editor-in-chief rial College Union and the most feared willing to lay down their lives, with 3 of side and fight the medics. “The medics organisation in South Kensington. them currently on hunger strike since have caused nothing but trouble at IC. hat the hell am I going to say here, now PICU was originally formed by a the “yes” result was announced on Fri- They still think that they are a separate that all the drama of the NUS campaign group of students back in the 1970s who day evening. This was too much for one entity from ICU and keep demanding has died down? I could rant on about the objected to women being allowed in the member who cried “not only was our more and more freedom. If they won’t Islam article in last week’s comment Union Bar, a move they described as defeat announced in the bar, there were learn to love ICU, then they will have to section, or I could tell a story about “political correctness gone mad”. Their also women drinking snakebite. This is fear ICU” says Ben. Wsomeone I consider an idol. faith in the democratic system was deci- one insult too far and I have no other Naturally, faced with such aggressive Edgbert Roscoe Murrow (Ed Murrow to his friends) mated and members were compelled to method of protest but to starve myself language ICSM have responded in turn was a broadcaster who worked for the Columbia Broad- take matters into their own hands. They to death.” by forming the ICSM Freedom Fight- casting System, or CBS, in the 1950s. Murrow was an odd resolved to continue their struggle un- ers (ICSMFF). The ICSMFF have been character; on the one hand, he was a journalist of the til their uncompromising demand that denounced as terrorists by PICU on highest order, and on the other, he was an entertainer at our bar was again a bastion of misogyny “First drinks for several occasions. “Not all medics are the head of the hugely popular “Person to Person” shows, was met. Their guerrilla campaign has terrorists, but all terrorists are med- a forerunner of celebrity chat show. caused over 300 injuries, mostly in the women, now votes ics. When will ICSM get their house in Murrow pursued the truth, with little regard for the elab- form of leaving tripping hazards for the order?” demanded Ben.” The newly re- orate network of advertisers, television executives, and lady drinkers they so detest. As the say- for medics. We’re formed PICU will not compromise over shareholders that controlled TV then and now. He is best ing says, violence begets violence and the existence of ICSMFF. This war can- known, though still not well known enough, for his “See PICU have suffered themselves due going to hell in a not end until they have disbanded and It Now” show, which tackled issues other broadcasters to revenge attacks from irate lesbians admitted themselves proud members were afraid to face in the cloistered atmosphere of 1950s who naturally are staunchly opposed to handcart” of ICU.” America. Of course, this was the era of McCarthyism, and the aims and values of PICU. So there we have it. We all thought of “reds under the bed”. McCarthy had yoked the nation After their formation it looked like PICU fractured further during the everyone in this place was apathetic with fear; fear that “card-carrying” communists had infil- they might just succeed in their goal early 1990’s with the establishment of but it turns out hundreds of people de- trated the government, the movie industry, and the me- of returning the bar to male jurisdic- the C&G Martyrs Brigade who battled vote their existence to mounting guer- dia. It seems laughable now, but the junior senator from tion. An early victory was won when against the RCSU faction for control of rilla wars against fellow students fight- Wisconsin held almost as much power as the President, they organised a farting competition the disputed Department of Computing ing for what they believe is right. Felix calling people before the Un-American Activities Commit- which turned away many of the new territories. Brothers who once fought has tried to talk directly to PICU but we tee and accusing them of, basically, treason without giving women customers. Their movement together for the bar to return to all male were unable to contact them. We be- them the chance to answer the charges against them. soon fractured and as a result of their status now wrangled with each other lieve the entrance to their underground Ed Murrow was the first to stand against McCarthy, infighting over the past 30 years they over the status of a dank, dark corner of bunker is hidden somewhere in the Sci- when the media mainly ignored the subject, or toed the are not looking like succeeding anytime the Huxley building. The C&G Martyrs Fi library although at the time of going line. His show of March 9, 1954, took McCarthy’s words soon. The first spilt in their movement demanded that Computing was com- to press this is unconfirmed. and speeches and questioned how valid the Senator’s tactics were, and how he contradicted himself. This was an extraordinarily brave thing to do, knowing that anyone who had stood against McCarthy before faced accusa- tions of being a communist,. He knew full well what he was doing; using his medium to expose the hypocrisy and You do not get what you pay for untruths perpertrated in the people’s name by attacking a single man. McCarthy was offered the chance to reply, and used it, buy books at the cover price, instead and less as time goes by. While this does predictably, to accuse Murrow of communist sympathies choosing to buy them for a fraction of admittedly give more free time in which and membership. Murrow’s reply was succint and to the the price on sites such as Amazon or to solve crosswords, it highlights a wor- point, clearly refuting each of McCarthy’s points. In the to wait for a few years and pick up a rying consequence beyond being slight- end, these broadcasts were enough to bring down the gi- second-hand copy from one of the less ly more out of pocket after a purchase ant, and McCarthy was censured by the Senate. cut-throat bookshops, of which fewer - that excessive increases in price deter What was Murrow’s reward as a tireless champion of and fewer remain. In fact, it is rare to even the most ardent of readers. truth, for holding public officials to be held to account? find a book older than I am whose price Given the proliferation of schemes He was shuffled to a Sunday afternoon graveyard slot, does not exceed its original RRP by a designed to encourage literacy and in- and quietly forgotten. Murrow was, to my mind, the last few times. creased readership, it seems bizarre, man to be able to hold the title “journalist” in its truest not to mention irresponsible, that book sense. I’ll use his glorious sign-off here, though it makes prices should be so high, which can no sense, and I make no pretence of being Murrow’s peer: “It has come to only serve to alienate those on lower good night, and good luck. Hugh Mansfield incomes, toward whom much of the lit- something when eracy initiatives are inevitably aimed. Since opera is able to receive gov- was browsing through the books even second- ernment funding and subsidies on the in a charity shop on Gloucester ground that it qualifies as art, it would felix Road the o ther day and marvel- hand books are hardly be unreasonable to deny such ling at how unaffordable most of funding in support of a more accessible, Editor-in-chief Andy Sykes | Managing Editor Alex them were. In fact, the only book unaffordable in enduring and, arguably, worthy form of Antonov | Deputy Editor Tom Roberts | Science Ithat seemed to be at a reasonable price art, in the shape of literature. Less rea- Editor Krystyna Larkham | Politics Editor Omar was a copy of Ulysses for an astonishing sonably, but still wholly justifiable would Hashmi | Music Editors Matthew Hoban, Jenny fifty pence. It was only later that I dis- anything other be removing any such funding from op- Gibson, Tom Whitson | Film Editor Angela Lee | covered this suspiciously low price to be era and instead channel it all into books Food & Drink Editor Hannah Theodorou | Fashion down to the book being in Norwegian, than an entirely - to subsidise publishers in order to low- Editor Sarah Skeete | Nightlife Editor Alex Baldwin | rendering it almost as incomprehen- er their prices or even to provide grants Comment Editor Stephen Brown | Environment sible as an untranslated edition would useless form.“ to struggling authors torn between ne- Editor João Vitor Serra | Clubs & Socs Editor Kirsty be. glecting their art or failing to make a Patterson | Sports Editors Alice Rowlands & Mona It has come to something when even As an avid reader, I find myself re- minimum wage, amongst other things. Haghani | Copy Editor Andrew Somerville second-hand books are unaffordable sorting to buying any even remotely Incidentally, if any Norwegian-speak- in anything other than an entirely use- interesting books I find at remaindered ers would like a copy of Joyce’s mag- less form. Since I started buying books bookshops, which leaves me with piles num opus, don’t hesitate to email me Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel 020 7594 8072. around a decade and a half ago, the av- of books with intriguing titles but little and I can provide you with a good con- Fax 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Northcliffe Press, Northcliffe House, erage price of a novel has roughly tri- else to recommend them. The inevita- dition copy for free. If my experiences Meadow Road, Derby DE1 2DW. No 1,365, Friday 24 November 2006. pled and continues to increase. It has ble upshot of this is that my enthusiasm are anything to go by, you’re unlikely to Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2006. reached the point where I will no longer for reading deteriorates, so I read less get such a bargain elsewhere. VOLUNTEERS NEEDED! Why not get active in the community whilst you’re at Imperial College London? It doesn’t matter if you work or study in Imperial - volunteering will have always something to offer you! We have over 250 volunteering opportunities in our database, so there should be a project for you.

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¬¬‰W?͉™Ë j?a‰™j]Ë jWˤ^ËÔååÉË®w֐Í‰”j¯ËÊË?™Ö?Áßˤš^ËÔååÈË®Ä֔”jÁ¯ Friday 24 November 2006 felix 11 eviews RMUSIC [email protected] Emotions, TVs, and radios More live reviews including the omni-present Feeder and TV on the Radio

live review ing, mosh-pitting, sky-reaching in- live review formance and even speed up some die rock. songs with pounding drums to liven Of course, Buck Rogers and Feed- the mood. At some points the crowd er go hand in hand, and the venue really joins in with the feel of the positively exploded into joy when show; flailing arms into the air and the opening riff could be heard; this chanting the words to the anthemic piece of legendary indie culminated Let the Devil In. The fans clearly in most of the crowd jumping to at feel a real connection with the band Feeder least the height of the stage during TV On The Radio in moments like these, and the Matty Hoban Roundhouse what can only be described as the Koko band are obviously enjoying every three guitar-riff explosions at the minute too. Music Editor end of each verse. At other times, parts of the crowd Colossal base lines; intense guitar Lost and Found again generated The crowd at this TV on the Radio seem very detached and uninter- riffs; voluminous rhythms; thun- similar energetic leaping, this time show is quite unlike any I’ve ever ested, talking during songs and not ne thing that is dering lyrics. There is an emotion- with the bassist encouraging peo- been to before. The people here bothering to applaud the band for really pissing me al underlining to the three-piece ple to be as volatile as possible by vary greatly in age; from impres- their effort in-between. These ‘sce- off at the minute that make them stand out from mimicking their previous jumping sionably young indie kids, copy of nesters’ seem more bothered with is the amount of the crowd, which was all the more efforts on stage. Just a Day – pos- NME wedged in their back pocket, being seen at the gig than actually little rat dogs there prominent during their perform- sibly the track that generated most to wise old veterans still reminisc- enjoying it, and in doing so, really Oare hanging around. I was in the ance at the Roundhouse, a gig in of Feeder’s fans – produced what ing about the glorious days of old spoil the experience for others who union the other week and saw aid of the charity War Child. was by far and away the most spec- when music was interesting and are trying to appreciate the beauty someone with what can only be Initially starting off as a pure indie tacular display of jubilance I have exciting for them. It seems every- of the music. The fact that Club described as mutant spawn of band with rock at its heart, Feeder ever witnessed at a gig. The track one can find something to love in NME started right after the band a drunk shag with a cotton ball suddenly took on a far more senti- itself is a rapid, rhythm-heavy piece this band, and the diversity in age finished probably had something to factory and a shivering amoeba. mental, moving and often emotive with lyrics particularly relevant to and race present at the packed-out do with the general attitude of some It looked so pathetic, I wanted approach to their music, culminat- students (“Waking up at twelve in Koko tonight is proof of that. of the crowd, but the bar prices to step on it and put it out of its ing in Comfort In Sound, an album my clothes again/feel my head ex- The band opens with the pacy made sure I didn’t stick around long misery. clearly influenced by the suicide of plode from a night of gin/another Dirtywhirl, which starts slowly enough to see if they hung around. I know they’re everywhere in their original drummer, Jon Lee. In night out late”), and I was amazed with gentle layers of guitars, before Predictably the band return for this leafy crevice of London has every performance from that point as complete strangers placed arms being brought to life by the energet- an encore where, unpredictably, an obligatory mouse-puppy, but on, Feeder concentrated on mak- over soldiers to form one massive ic vocals of frontman Tunde Ade- the drummer and guitarist swap come on, why would you put it ing their sound more personal, and cascading wall of screaming fans. bimpe. His sincere and heartfelt instruments and play out to the through the misery of taking it it could not have been more appro- From start to finish, Feeder pro- performance punctuates the oth- euphoric Staring at the Sun which for a walk? They’re so tiny and priate for this particular gig. duced both an emotive and ener- erwise peaceful guitars and sleigh is a fittingly intense conclusion to inbred they can barely stand up Come Back Around, a fairly en- getic sound unique in the overpopu- bells which provide the rhythm. a brilliantly performed show. The without wanting to chew their ergetic piece, proved to be a suit- lated indie circuit. A surprise cover Interestingly coiffured guitarist, sound quality of the venue and the already-removed private parts able opener to get the crowd going, of REM’s Everybody Hurts dur- Kyp Malone, also joins in with some attitude of the crowd are the only off, just to numb the pain of their although with Feeder’s reputation ing the encore, sung with absolute unbelievably high-pitched back-up letdowns of a gig that I just didn’t existence. If you insist on getting among the nation and the dedica- hand-on-heart honesty by Grant, vocals which perfectly complement want to end. To remedy this prob- a dog, get a proper one. Get a dog tion of its fans, they simply needed proved that no other band around the lead. lem I bought a T-shirt and listened that is proud to take a dump on to walk onto the stage for the audi- today could be more suited to not I initially imagined the gig would to the album on the bus home, but I the street whilst the owner awaits ence to be at their beck and call. only producing this kind of music, be a much more sombre affair than guess I’ll just have to wait until they eagerly with a plastic bag. Don’t Interestingly enough, unlike most but to support such an admirable it is, as many of their songs are next play here to really satisfy my get a dog that every time it needs bands around today, Feeder does cause with their near-perfect art. slow and down-tempo, but the band craving for more. to crap, it fears for its life. not have one lead personality, such Robin Andrews throw everything into their per- Toby Prudden Why am I going on about crappy as Chris Martin of Coldplay or Gary little dogs anyway? What’s it got Lightbody of Snow Patrol. They ROBIN ANDREWS to do with music I hear you shout function as one unit, with the vocals whilst perming your poodle’s of Grant Nicholas, the pounding arse-curls? Well, I compare bass of Taka Hirose and drum-work Feeder to one of these dogs. of Mark Richardson all playing an Feeder insist on making more equal role, musically and visually. music when – I’m sorry if I’m This was clearly evident in the un- being disrespectful – even their deniably impassioned performance drummer killed himself to get out of fan favourite, Feeling a Moment, of this band. a soaring track with the lead guitar If you listen to their past two al- riffs and effortless vocals propelling bums, all you will hear is a whim- the audience into a plethora of ex- per. When the best thing you can citable leaping and backing vocals. say about a band is that they are Whilst Grant hammered gracefully ‘anthemic’ and ‘emotional’, you away at his guitar, he made way for know you are scraping a barrel a very jumpy Taka – who both used so eroded that you can see Grant their guitar bridges as extra drum- Nicholas crying under said barrel sticks for Mark – all merging into as the fallen splinters scratch his one quite energetic stage perform- eyes. The best thing they ever did ance as well as a musical triumph. was shout the word lemon over Another particularly poignant and over again. I assumed it was track, Just The Way I’m Feeling, a satire on the objectification of saw Grant wield his acoustic gui- lesbians in the music scene as tar to great effect, and the crowd shouty riot-grrrrrrrl singers. – with great gusto – was as moved I could be proven wrong be- as the band members themselves, cause I once drank cider from a judging by the huge grins on their lesbian and had my tongue cut faces; it must have been a wonder- on her numerous piercings. This ful sight to see hundreds of fans may not be a true story. Anyway, I waving their arms in unison to the may not like Feeder, but some of epic chorus. you do and you’re entitled to that This is not to say that Feeder opinion, so we’ve got a review for solely based their setlist on emo- you. Also, Freddie Freeloader, tional, moving tracks. Liberally who are reviewed on the other sprinkled throughout the hour-and- page are playing in dB’s on Satur- a-half were the best in head-bang- Feeder rocking out (in-between another sickly, emotive ballad) some emotions with lots of emotional riffs day, go pop along if you want. 12 felix Friday 24 November 2006

MUSIC [email protected] Whole batchful of releases for you Enjoy some of the reviews of the singles and albums that we’ve had a listen to in these past few weeks album review album review

Scott Walker P Diddy The Drift Press Play (4AD) (Atlantic) ★★★★✩ ★★★✩✩

Scott Walker has had a quite re- It may come as a surprise to most markable career. In the mid-60's, but on previous albums Diddy didn’t he was lead singer of The Walker seem to mind sharing the limelight Brothers, a hugely successful vocal with his collaborators. His previ- pop group. At the height of fame, ous two releases, We Invented The he left them to pursue a solo ca- Remix Vol. 1 and The Saga Contin- reer singing Jacques Brel-inspired ues… were both co-credited to ‘The chansons. The 70s saw the increas- Bad Boy Family’, which was only ingly reclusive artist slowly fade fair considering the amount they into obscurity. His last ever tour contributed to them. was in 1978 and his 1984 album, Cli- So when his latest offering was mate of Hunter became the biggest strictly credited to ‘Diddy’, you’d commercial failure in the history expect it to be a one-man show of Virgin Records. After that, there starring the self-proclaimed king of was silence. For 11 years. New York, but you’d be wrong. Then came Tilt. An unasham- In fact, Press Play features over 20 edly difficult album that was un- different guest appearances (which like anything before it. Tilt was must be some kind of record) and dark and stripped down; a barren that doesn’t include the big-name monolith constructed of monoto- producers who have left marks all nous rhythms, sweeping orchestral over the record. From the likes of textures, weird sound experiments Christina Aguilera and lead Pus- Shiny Toy Guns looking… shiny and generally sexy; they’re bringing chavvy back and operatic vocals. Needless to sycat Doll, Nicole, to edgier artists say, it didn't even make it close to like Nas and Mary J. Blige. It’s an the mainstream. However, it be- orgy and everyone’s invited to help will. But he will also have you hit- put their snowballing popularity single review came an instant classic with the resurrect Diddy’s fading rap career ting the ‘skip track’ button a lot; down to the internet, saying, “Ze- more open-minded (Goldfrapp, and record label. wading through the dull moments roes and ones are a nuclear weapon Gnarls Barkley Brian Eno and David Bowie among The first song off this album, to get to the highlights. Smart Diddy for a band.” If Shiny Toy Guns can Who Cares others, have praised it highly). It Come to Me, really wasn’t a true fans will save themselves the trou- keep up the good work, and per- (Warner Music) may not come as a surprise that it's representation of the album. It was ble (and the money) and simply buy haps expand their sound a little into ★★★✩✩ taken Walker another 11 years to pretty weak for a lead single and the better tracks. These include Af- new areas, then they really will be a produce a follow-up, with everyone gave the impression that Press ter Love, Tell Me and the bumping creative force to be reckoned with wondering how he could possibly Play might not live up to the hype Last Night. in the future. Gnarls Barkley, an Atlanta collabo- outdo himself. surrounding it. Fortunately, Come Jemil Salami Tom Roderick ration between Maryland-based DJ As it turns out, it's actually quite To Me was a fluke and the record and producer Danger Mouse (Bri- simple; by taking things even fur- has enough bubble-gum rap to keep an Burton) and rapper/singer Cee- ther. While Tilt had its occasional mainstream listeners happy. A single review single review Lo (Thomas Callaway). Their first rays of sunshine, The Drift offers good example is the potent Tell Me, album, St. Elsewhere, was released only undiluted fear, pain and de- featuring Christina Aguilera which Shiny Toy Guns Orson by Warner Music in April 2006 in spair. There are no more melodies is set to be the next single off the al- Le Disko Already Over the UK. They stormed the UK with and no more grand arrangements, bum, and it is bound to be huge. (Mercury) (Mercury) the amazing single, Crazy. Now only ominous, brooding sound- The first few tracks, We Gon’ Make ★★★★✩ ★★✩✩✩ the creative duo have a new single scapes alternating with brutal out- It, I Am, The Future, are devoted to called Who Cares, which is pure bursts of pure dissonance. And, of Diddy’s ego, telling us how he's not genius. With skilful Cee-Lo drop- course, some of the most bizarre going anywhere and declaring him- With the best band name I have Signed by Mercury Records in No- ping some imaginative and ambi- noises ever integrated into music; a self the king of New York. He also heard for a long time, I was expect- vember of 2005, Orson closed the tious vocals on this track. Although slab of meat being punched, some- makes a threat of running for Presi- ing much from Shiny Toy Guns. year as support on the UK leg of the this single has a very summery vibe one walking up the stairs, a tortured dent. These brags and boasts are a I was not disappointed! Le Disko Duran Duran arena tour and were to it and might not have the great donkey, a Donald Duck imitation standard feature of any contempo- starts off with ethereal swirling key- still largely an unknown band but success of Crazy, it is definitely a and lots of unidentifiable chirping, rary rap album but great rap artists boards, before the pounding synths that has changed since the turn of Gnarls Barkley signature single in hissing and rattling. know to keep it smart and keep it to that drive the record forward kick the year. its own right. On top of all this looms Walker's a minimum. Unfortunately, Diddy in. The seductive angst filled vo- Before they released their debut Folake Adegbohun baritone, reciting surreal lyrics isn’t a great rapper and this inevi- cals of 19-year-old lead singer, Ca- single, No Tomorrow, the band had about such cheerful topics as Mus- tably takes over and becomes the rah Faye complements the driving already graced the cover of The solini's execution, Elvis Presley's theme for a sizeable chunk of the rhythm brilliantly, and works well Sunday Times Culture supplement, EP review stillborn brother, 9/11, famine and album. with the backing vocals of bassist made their debut performance on the war in Bosnia. The result is per- When he does take time out from Chad Petree. Then, at the bridge Top of the Pops and been playlisted Freddie Freeloader haps the most nightmarish, most kissing his own rear and tries to the whole song changes, from a by every station in the land from This is Powergrunge intensely unsettling record I've tackle other rap staples – mainly claustrophobic electronic blast to Radio1 to Xfm. Quite a bit of expo- (Self-release) ever heard – and I've heard a lot of hooking up and breaking up – he is a sounding like Abba being fronted by sure by all accounts. ★★★✩✩ sick stuff. bit more interesting and it becomes Bjork! The song as a whole is filled On release, No Tomorrow en- I'm not sure I can give you an evident that his rhyming skills have with hundreds of electronic effects, tered the chart at number five, but accurate impression of The Drift, improved. However, it is a problem but unlike lesser bands, the music within two weeks had risen like an This band coined their style early simply because there is nothing that he is still not as proficient as he never loses its clarity and sense of old-fashioned hit record to take its on as ‘powergrunge’ (a combination like it out there. It's perhaps closer thinks he is. progression. place at the top of the charts. In of grunge, funk, groove and metal). to the work of modern composers The best songs are the ones where The b-side, Starts With One fol- fact, it was still in the top five seven Powergrunge harkens back to early like Schönberg than to anything in Diddy's run-of-the-mill rap verses lows the same electro-rock sensi- weeks after release. Unfortunately, funksters such as the Red Hot Chili the popular music world. are broken up by catchy choruses bilities, but the two singers swap I doubt if their latest single, Already Peppers and Faith No More, with The majority of you would abso- by a guest vocalist or delivered over duties, injecting a little more vari- Over, would have the same inpact. the addition of much heavier metal lutely hate it. But if you have an infectious beats. In a nutshell, it is ety into proceedings. This tracks sounds like album fill- guitar riffs on the top, whilst the adventurous mind and you'd like to never because of Diddy's skills as Shiny Toy Guns are already start- er and doesn’t show the uniqueness singer’s elegantly sung vocals help hear some of the most unique and an MC but more because he has tal- ing to make a name for themselves, No Tomorrow brought to our ster- steer the band away from nu-met- brilliant music being made today, I ented friends. having the most requested song on eos. We can hope for the best from al. There is great potential for this urge you to give The Drift a try. So will he have you itching to the influential KROQ Los Angeles, the Orson and this isn’t it. band. Let’s hope they fulfil it. Ralf Damaschke Press Play? Well, honestly, yes, he before even being signed. The band Folake Adegbohun Robin Smith Friday 24 November 2006 felix 13

NIGHTLIFE [email protected] UK hip hop scene hits Scala Some of the country’s top hip hop acts celebrate Foreign Beggars’ album launch

An intermission to the Pontius Pi- Foreign Beggars late reinforced my impression of Album Launch Party an ethereal atmosphere, after ex- Scala changing pleasantries instead of HHHHI dirty looks when passing through Alex Baldwin the crowd, to find people freestyl- Arriving at The Scala in London’s ing by the cubicles that ‘some don’t Nightlife Editor Kings Cross to see one of the UK’s understand them’ (“that was some largest underground hip-hop acts, deep shit” apparently). you could be forgiven for asking One floor up, room 2 was being set yourself if you were going to get up for the open-mic cypher that was his week, I have been shot tonight. The bouncers seemed being held at this night of so many recovering from a ter- to understand this and were oper- attractions. This kicked off after rible blow to my televi- ating on similar levels of paranoia the main show and was hosted by sion viewing schedule: to West Bank checkpoint operators Honey Brown, with beats supplied the sorry demise of and one gained a rather more famil- by DJ Snuff. Speaker’s Corner reg- Tthe Quiz Call channel. And what iar experience of my anatomy than I ulars Rhyme Asylum, The Rippah has the gaping hole in my life usually allow so soon after meeting. and Kope among others, with more known as Freeview channel 31 Inside, however, I was pleasantly established artists on the UK hip (on my box, at leasat) been filled reminded that this was abetter va- hop scene, such as Kashmere, gave with? The crime against schedul- riety of UK hip-hop, where being the mic the blessing it had been an- I have absolutely no idea what is happening in this picture ing that is Film4+1. Whoever in- straight out of Camden, or having ticipating. Speaker’s Corner excels vented video recorders is turning hoes in different area codes doesn’t at what they do and pulled through in his grave as all these needless take centre stage, so a refreshing troubles with sound to provide en- at home in, or merely an attempt to as big as Foreign Beggars playing ‘+1’ channels jump up and down atmosphere provided a close to tertainment and a platform of free win over the Scala crowd. Either Scala on a Wednesday night, and it on his coffin. Honestly, what is the flawless night. speech for anybody with the co- way, it would appear as though the gives a little hope for the prospects point? The invention of watches Impeccable timing meant our ar- jones to step up on stage. audience needed little winning over of other UK acts just as able but less predates even that of the VCR, rival fortunately coincided with the After an efficiently short break as Foreign Beggars were hugely established outside of their genre. so surely there’s nothing wrong beginning of Shlomo’s set. It is often the beggars emerged on stage. applauded as they left the stage. My only regret for the evening is with our timekeeping abilities, suggested that he now represents First (and unashamedly) Orifice Closing the night were Scratch missing Kashmere, but I guess you so why do channel 4 patronise us Britain’s most gifted beatboxer and was rapidly on the stage making Perverts, an institution in UK can’t have it all, so I decided to con- so? At least on E4+1 most of the the set was certainly amongst the sure none of the hype from the DJing to say the least. Many, I had sole myself with some ‘top notch’ programmes clock in at under an best I’ve seen. While it can’t be de- previous performance died down. thought, may have been present pizza prepared over the road. hour, so the dedicated viewer can nied that a large part of the effect In succession appeared Metropo- that night to see Scratch Perverts Suddenly curious as to the func- see the same show twice, back to is down to technical skill, style and lis and Doctor Syntax, with a full alone. However, as they walked on tion of a particular lever on my back, but on Film4+1 we must be musical dexterity has to be taken live band, backing vocals and va- stage I was one of possibly only a camera which I had used countless content with watching a film just into account. Shlomo’s set demon- riety of top British DJs, including dozen spectators to welcome them. times, I almost saw in slow motion one and a half times, or worse! strated this point excellently and IQ and Vadim, to bring the night Somehow, the main room had gone the rear door bounce open to bring When will this madness end. he certainly put himself strongly in to a climax. They immediately from being nearly full to embar- the sensitive into the harsh and un- Getting back onto things a little the arena with other heavyweights launched into a varied yet consist- rassingly empty. To make matters forgiving light of the environment. more nightlife-related, I urge all of such as Killa Kela and Mr. Mouth. ently great set, including many worse, as the two DJs worked their Quick to react however, my fears of you to let your eyes stray a little Using a loop sampler, a signifi- classics from Asylum Speakers and way through “Terrorist”, “Witness” a ruined roll of film, and the tedium further down the page and read cant proportion of his set involved tracks from their brand new album and many other hip hop classics, the of now having to track down pho- the Our Disco preview we have putting together a track layer by (which looks to be a sure success). audience seemed to disintegrate tos of the night, replaced by relief furnished you with this week and layer, then finally adding the vocals They had clearly done their home- more and more. Nevertheless the once development was finished. In then put on your dancing shoes (of these, the most memorable in- work before this performance and duo continued long into the morn- fact, I was quite pleased with the and go! (Of course, you should cluded ‘I Want You Back’ by Jack- truly entertained and engaged the ing not letting this lack of audience one photo that was sodomised by read everything else on the page son Five and ‘The Magic Number’ crowd. Orifice’s banter continued affect their routine as they contin- the event. My precious silver-halide too). It’s no secret that Our Disco by De La Soul). throughout the set, about moving ued with great skill and vigour. crystals were clearly in no mood for has long been one of our favourite All too soon Shlomo was ush- to London (in 1999) and his grow- All in all the night turned out to be being tampered with, and left me clubnights here at Nightlife and ered off the stage, giving me the ing love for his home city. Perhaps a fantastic offering of music; UK hip with what I think is a fitting image we are delighted to see it back chance to explore this impressive, this was a heart felt expression for hop ability at its finest! However, it to summarise the evening. again. converted cinema a little more. a city he has come to love and feel is still disappointing to see UK acts Laurence Fahrni Our Disco is back! Competition: Showtime at Egg

Hooray, And Did We Mention Our On Saturday 2nd December, ‘Show- Disco has finally found a new home! time presents...’ is back to cel- Sub Club near Liverpool Street Sta- ebrate the holiday season in true tion will host the club night from festive style with a very special and now on. The venue has apparently exclusive pantomime performance recently been renovated, boasts from Jonny Woo and his friends sensible drinks prices (unlike Can- performed to a backdrop of Lon- vas) and has an extremely loud don’s finest cutting edge house and soundsystem! You’ll be able to hear electro music. a delightful selection of (as they de- The newest addition to Saturday scribe it) “post-punk, glitch-funk, nights at Egg incorporates live schitzo-electro and mutant disco” music, cabaret, VJs and a host of If you don’t know what those words internationally talented DJs. These mean, they are basically synonyms The Our Disco DJs, outside themed fancy dress parties ensure for Super Duper Fun. You should that each event is very unique. therefore most certainly go and This time, the basement will see check out the opening night on the good the Our Disco guys were at Mary Jane playing ‘the freaky mini- 1st of December, not only because Fabric recently, which must have mal style that is typical for elec- Hopefully it won’t be too cold this December; I have high hopes it’s the first Our Disco in ages, but been one of their last tour dates be- tronic music in Berlin’ alongside also because the lineup is pretty fore starting the new residency, and homegrown talent including Lisa damn good too. if it’s anything as good as that night German, Sophie Oliver and Claudia the exciting performance from Jon- door, or £12 for concessions. The usual residents Glyn Camp- was, we’re in for a treat. Lovista. The terrace will be hosted ny Woo and friends. If this sounds good to you, but bell, Den Odell and Nadia Ksaiba If you’re planning on going, we by Shack Music head Soy Mustafa In addition to all this, the Union you don’t fancy paying, then send will be joined by the amazing Op- suggest you get there early; it may in the form of a release party for Jakx film taken at the last ‘Show- us a quick email to the address at timo DJ JD Twitch from Glasgow be popular so they might fill up Liquid People’s new record “Song time presents...’ event will be the top of the page telling us you’d and the mighty Simian Mobile Dis- pretty quickly, and judging by the of the Siren” with Liquid People premiered. like to go and we will give away a co who, if you read our review on past few events they’ve had, it prob- playing live. Finally, in the loft, Alex ‘Showtime presents...’ takes place few pairs of free tickets, including Adventures In The Beetroot Field, ably will do. Check out the website Phountzi and Daz-I-Kue (Bugz in on Saturday 2nd December at Egg free entry to the Jaded afterparty, you will know are rather talented www.ourdisco.com for more info the Attic) hit the decks with an elc- in Kings Cross from 10pm to 6am which runs until 1pm to ensure you at DJing. You’ll also have read how and, most of all, enjoy the night! lectic mix of sounds played around and will set you back £15 on the get your fill of entertainment. 14 felix Friday 24 November 2006

GAMES [email protected] Next generation gaming has begun Tomo Roberts gives his verdict on whether you should go for a Wii this Christmas or hold out for a PS3

ith the immi- of decisions have to be made. Which nent release of has the best games? Best graphics? the Nintendo Wii Which justifies its price tag most worldwide and sufficiently? But whereas my previ- the third incarna- ous console choices have often been Wtion of the Sony PlayStation already made largely on the basis of which available in Japan and the USA, the company offered my favourite ex- companies’ marketing departments clusive titles, this upcoming cycle are working overtime to create the of consoles each offer a varied and loudest buzz about their respective diverse package compared to their consoles. competitors – something arguably On Monday 13th November, I was unseen in previous generations. lucky enough to be given the chance On one hand, Microsoft offers to put both consoles through the high definition graphics, some paces. The opportunity arose when cracking original IP and a superbly Radio 1’s technology reporter Iain implemented online experience Mackenzie posted on a message thanks to the company’s expertise board I regularly view, requesting in this area, all at a very reasonable a number of gamers to come along asking price. The PS3 claims to of- and try out the two next-gen ma- fer all this and then some whilst chines. The catch? Unfortunately, probably being capable of frying masses of listeners had to be sub- you breakfast somewhere inside its jected to my not-so-dulcet tones shiny plastic casing. But coming in as my analysis soared out over the at £425 you might expect it to rear airwaves. the porky pigs too. On the freakish I was giddy with excitement; part- third hand, Nintendo’s baby can- ly because I felt like a member of an not compete graphically. However exclusive ‘I’ve played the Wii and the Wii is a courageous attempt to PS3, who wants to touch me?’ club, revolutionise the way we interact but mainly because both consoles with games using a motion sensi- are ones that I can’t wait to get my tive controller whist remaining af- grubby mitts on. So far, I’ve held out fordable at £179. from buying an Xbox 360. I’ve come Pre-orders for the Nintendo Wii close at times with the allure of began last month, but I was tenta- Dead Rising and Table Tennis es- tive when deciding to put my name The Nintendo Wii, three Wiimotes and the infra red emitter bar due out in Europe on December 8th pecially beckoning me to purchase down for one. From videos and Microsoft’s beast, but the price tag other peoples’ impressions, I was has remained beyond my cash- concerned the ‘Wiimote’ was inac- caution is required and Nintendo our eager gamers arrived nirvana: spotlessly clean mini- strapped reach. With Christmas curate, often shaking around er- had to answer the question persist- outside the ‘Wii House’ malist contemporary furnishings, and my birthday around the corner, ratically. Videos of the next Zelda ently nagging me. Simply: does it bright and early on the complimentary biscuits and drinks, Microsoft and Nintendo will need to incarnation showed Link’s archery work? Monday morning. Situ- roughly ten to twenty Wiis and an convince me to buy their console. skills leaving a lot to be desired, as As for the PS3, which is not arriv- ated on a quiet residential attractive PR lady to greet and tend Or, would I hold out until next year he zipped in an instant from look- ing in Europe until March, I was ea- streetF in Holborn, this was the last to our needs. and hand over a chunk of my stu- ing at the sky to staring at his feet. ger to see how much of a leap Sony place we expected such a massive First off, we were taken to the dent loan for Sony’s latest offering? Was it the player’s fault or were the had made from the PlayStation 2 corporation to hold its latest money first floor lounge where I man- As each generation of consoles shakes setting into the young lad’s and whether it could justify such a making machine. The Wii House aged to sneak in a few minutes on are gradually ushered in, a number bones? As with all new technology, hefty price tag. contained five floors of a gamer’s WarioWare Smooth Moves. A four player game of tennis on Wii Sports was already prepared for us, but whilst my other three companions stretched and jogged on the spot, I had instantly taken control of the Wiimote and ‘nunchaku’ for two brief mini games on WarioWare. No sooner than I’d plucked a man’s nose hair, I was thrust a different remote ready for tennis. Within the first game, I felt im- mediately familiar with the remote. The tennis game required only use of the Wiimote. Strokes were exact- ly as you imagine, with the console recognising the difference between backhands, lobs, dinks and passes. It was my turn to serve. I flicked the remote upwards, and then struck the “ball” with an emphatic overhead swing. Ace! Take that! No sooner than I tossed up my next serve, the ball was immediately coming back across court. Damn. My ego took a bashing as my sec- ond serve was returned across court with authority. As the games progressed, my competitive nature began to rear its ugly nature to the displeasure of my right elbow. Even a simple tennis game such as this managed to flex my muscles us- ing the Wiimote. Once the chalk had settled thought, each of us was sporting a beaming smile. Ten-pin bowling was up next. The graphics in both this and the tennis were clean, colourful and certainly functional. Whilst Wii Sports was certainly not pushing the console’s graphical prowess, it was immedi- ately obvious that the console would never ever be challenging the Xbox Four intrigued gamers listening intently whilst receiving coaching tips before getting stuck into a round of tennis on Wii Sports 360 and PS3 in a beauty contest. Friday 24 November 2006 felix 15

GAMES [email protected]

Here’s what boxing looks like in Wii Sports

Whereas the tennis consisted somebody else’s saved games. Once solely of motion detection, bowling again, the combination of Wiimote required you to use the buttons to and nunchaku felt as recognisable position yourself pre-roll. Once po- as Link’s green garb. Visually how- sitioned to take into account the ever, Zelda was very jaggy – with natural spin due to left or right- mountainsides and walls looking handedness, you were set to roll. as smooth as bread knives. One Motioning your hand in a clean gamer observed that the graphics sweep from back to front was im- were washed out and I agreed to mediately familiar as well. After an extent. Nintendo have reverted my initial shot straight down the back to a more mature Ocarina left hand gutter, I was scoring well Of Time appearance but there has even managing the first strike of never been a more beautiful Zelda the morning. to explore and conquer. I managed to sneak in a quick par However, I had still yet to test on Wii Sports golf later on in the Link’s archery skills – the biggest day, which was instantly playable issue I wanted answering during even with my limited experience of the day’s play. A spider was climb- the real thing. Boxing also received ing a rope ladder. Immediately I high praise from two fellow gam- whipped out a bow and arrow. My ers who duked it out. Wii Sports view was thrown to the dangling was so entertaining we could have dungeon stalactites. After a period happily spent all morning compet- of hand waving adjustment, I began ing. Nintendo have packaged the to find my aim and successfully shot And here’s what ‘boxers’ look like playing Wii Sports. Watch out, you may ‘accidently’ whack your mates title with the Wii itself and whilst the ugly arachnids. Playing Zelda it’s questionable whether this was brought a sense of relief. With prac- a ploy created to set the console’s tice, I feel the game will be as play- dull, blocky graphics and an erratic title, I believe this will come with ing Carbon. The controls feel hor- higher than expected price, I would able any of the previous titles, but it aiming system. Since my favourite practice again. The sword combat ribly shoehorned onto the console have recommended you buy Wii remains to be seen whether it can genre is the FPS, I was interested was especially entertaining and and there will likely be better-adapt- Sports at launch regardless of this top the rest in the series. in picking this up at launch. To my with a classic Japanese Yakuza ed racers such as ExciteTruck in- anyway. Before leaving for the Radio 1 of- surprise and also the other gamers plot, I am still coloured interested stead. The Call Of Duty series has As much as I wanted to continue fice and PS3 play test, I was lucky present, Red Steel was enjoyable. by Red Steel. always left me colder than a soldier bowling, I asked to sneak off down- enough to play on Ubisoft’s first Adjusting to the highly sensitive Quick games on Need For Speed fighting in the Battle of the Bulge, stairs to the burgundy lounge where person shooter, Red Steel. Previews controls took some time and whilst Carbon and Call Of Duty 3 were not but I’d suggest it was a worthy al- Zelda: The Twilight Princess was and video footage that I’d seen I didn’t manage to perfect my aim extensive enough to give a detailed ternative to Red Steel if that’s not on display. I jumped straight into were incredibly disappointing with during the time I spent with the opinion, but I would suggest avoid- your bag.

From left to right: Radio 1 technology reporter Iain Mackenzie and the other lucky lads Kay, David and Phil putting the PS3 through its paces in the 1Xtra meeting lounge 16 felix Friday 24 November 2006

GAMES [email protected]

PHOTOGRAPHS OF LADY WITH PS3 PROVIDED BY EUROGAMER.NET short taxi journey later Gears Of War, Half Life many other pected to be so impressed by such and we were sitting on successful FPS games, I was most a launch friendly title. the sofas in the Radio excited about this compared to the On our journey to the nearest 1Xtra meeting lounge. other PS3 titles. Whereas Zelda had tube station after leaving the Ra- A massive 40” plus flat appeared washed out, Resistance dio 1 towers, we shared our views Ascreen television was hooked up was plainly lacking in colour. The and tried to draw some conclu- the PlayStation 3. Unfortunately, monochrome backdrop was hark- sions. It was agreed that the PS3 the HDMI cable hadn’t arrived so ing back to the days of pig-stickers was stunning visually, but it’s argu- the games wouldn’t be running and Carbines, but felt pointless in able whether the launch titles are in complete high definition glory. a world repeatedly recreated, only next-gen. Motorstorm impressed Upon initial inspection, the console now it was populated with aliens. the others more than myself, but was smaller than I expected. Whilst Once again though, the PS3 didn’t my apathy for racing games is the slightly larger than the Xbox 360, it struggle in the slightest when likely explanation for this. Whilst was deadly silent even when churn- churning out the detailed graph- this and Resistance had potential, ing out the graphics of some seri- ics. Everything ran smoothly and the launch line up appears vastly ously good-looking games. not a signal incident of tearing was underwhelming. However, the PS3 Motorstorm was up first. Eventu- spotted by my eagle-eyed acquaint- has so much more to offer than just ally, that is. The PS3 was one of the ances. Whilst the game play was games including a Blu-ray player, debug units sent to press companies solid, I was reminded of EA’s Black, Linux compatibility and a whole and as such, the games frequently a game that I became very bored of host of multimedia features. But, took longer than five minutes to once I got over the fact I could blow the touchy issue about price cannot load. Once we were in the driving the shit out of almost anything on be avoided. At a minimum of £425 seat of a massive truck, it was reaf- screen. Resistance lacked destruc- without games, controllers and an firmed that the Wii would never be tive environments too, so by com- HD television, the PS3 is an expen- nearing these visuals. Even without parison I should have been greatly sive acquisition. Come Spring 2007, an HD cable Motorstorm looked disappointed. However, the story we should expect to see Singstar next-gen. Racing against ten or was appealing and if the developers available in the launch window more computer controller vehicles, have nailed the narrative and cre- along with a few other excellent with mud flying everywhere, huge ated exciting set pieces, Resistance Sony exclusives, but even then I draw distances and highly realistic could certainly be a must have. could never justify buying a PS3. physics, the PS3 hadn’t even shifted The rest of the afternoon was Another 12 – 18 months down the into second gear. It remained con- spent playing Ridge Racer 7, Genji: line and the story may be complete- fidently silent – I could see Sony Days Of The Blade and Formula ly different. Final Fantasy XIII and Computer Entertainment’s CEO 1 Championship Edition. RR7 Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Ken Kutaragi’s smug smile inside was exactly as expected – more of Patriots are killer-apps that many, the shiny black casing. the same, but at blisteringly high including myself, will be gagging Motorstorm also utilised the tilt speeds with slightly shiner graph- for. But until mid 2008, resist the sensitivity that the new SIXAXIS ics. I’d rather wait for the coconuts temptation to queue when you see a controller possesses. Interestingly, to fall from the palm trees in the long line of people outside GAME in it functioned well as an alternative background than play any more March. Besides, you might get shot to the analogue sticks. It’s doubtful of the games in the series, but for in a drive-by if the American launch that you would use it instead, but it fans, this version should be no less is anything to go by. played better than Carbon on the essential than the others. After a In the meantime, if you really Wii. All in all, the SIXAXIS remains ten-minute unskippable cutscene, need a truly next-gen fix, Bill Gates very faithful to the original PlaySta- Genji wowed us with some fierce is the man whose pension fund you tion controller. The new L2 and R2 fire effects, but after mashing the X need to donate too. Personally, I’ve buttons are depressible, similarly button for a thousandth time, we’d gone for a Wii. [Ed - 2300 words be- to the GameCube’s shoulder but- had enough of pummelling useless fore for the first piss joke! Not bad!] tons. Overall it feels slightly lighter samurai enemies. Formula 1 was a The remote controller is a revela- without the cord and rumble fea- pleasant surprise once it entered tion – it is precise, intuitive and a ture inside. The other gamers be- the PS3’s Blu-ray drive, recreating genuinely successful alternative to lieved it felt like a rushed piece of the sport to a precision that has conventional game pads. My pre- kit, but I failed to comprehend this never been seen before. The cars order is submitted and although – after all, if it ain’t broke... roared round the bends, you could you’d be lucky to find a place still Back into FPS territory, we fired feel the smooth carbon fibre bod- taking them, I suggest you beg, up Resistance: Fall Of Man. Taking ies and taste the petrol fumes in steal or sell your gran to grab one. elements from world war shooters, the roof of your mouth. I never ex- Go on, it’ll put a smile on your face.

PS3 exclusive Motorstorm looking stunning even without running in high definition Unfortunately, £425 will only get you a PS3 in March and not the girl Friday 24 November 2006 felix 17

GAMES [email protected] I, Gamer SC4: A splintered game? James Freedman takes a look at the darker side of gaming and sees the light

ike so many dedicated fans of Sam Fisher, I’ve been looking forward to Splinter Cell: Double Agent ever since Splin- terL Cell: Chaos Theory ended in an orgy of silence and darkness last year. Ubisoft’s stealth franchise has been previously extraordinar- ily successful over across all plat- forms, offering an intelligent alter- Michael Cook native to the horde of first-person shooters flooding the market. Games Editor The story takes a slightly more personal turn than before – fol- lowing the accidental death of his daughter, Sam Fisher accepts an hild labour – it’s extraordinarily dangerous mission the way to go. This to infiltrate a terrorist organisation week’s focus on fun known as John Brown’s Army. He’s leads us to ask ten thrown into Ellsworth Peniten- year-old Andrew tiary to earn their trust by helping CCook what he thinks of Lego Star a known member escape. After a Wars 2 – cheap, punctual, and he brief introductory mission, the play- even threw in his own illustra- er takes Sam’s role for his escape, tions. As long as I keep below and must gradually earn the JBA’s Amnesty International’s radar, trust by helping them prepare a I’m onto a winner. major attack on several cities. Curi- Of course, we were all like that ously, JBA seem to have access to once. We did work when we were the same technology as the Nation- told to, we played when we were al Security Agency, so any players told to, we ate what was good for wishing to see an alternative to the us. Most of us started as gamers standard headgear, or the SC20K, when we were that age too – and will be disappointed. when you’re young, a good game Double Agent is powered by the is something totally different Unreal Engine 2; whilst levels and to what we now see as being a characters are well detailed and the great experience. game does look good, it is difficult to So this week, Felix Games goes believe that this is the same Unreal off in search of smiles and lolli- engine that delivered the vast ex- pops as we take a look at gaming panses and beautiful environments then and now. we have been treated to in Unreal As a generation of gamers, II and Unreal Tournament 2004. In- the market largely targets us dividual levels are incredibly small, when they design new titles – but reminiscent of Deus Ex’s downsiz- through doing that, it’s easy to ing for its port to Playstation 2. forget that once upon a time And not only are they small, but we liked pretending to be rock there also aren’t very many of stars using brooms as guitars, or them. The Splinter Cell series has spent hours and hours build- always kept things short and sweet, ing elaborate fortresses out of and Double Agent is no exception. plastic bricks. There are 11 levels, not including Andrew’s review, and Mat- tutorials, of which two time under thew’s article on it, shows that ten minutes, and four are set in the kids are onto what fun really is. same building. That aside, every They don’t necessarily want to single level is extremely well de- beat the crap out of legions of signed – the number of pipes, vents bad guys and cackle as the blood etc. available to circumvent the en- spills. Sometimes they just value emy is astounding, and there is al- what’s fun – and our comment ways a way to avoid conflict. this week from James Skuse However, there’s a far more se- claims that we don’t give them rious problem: Even at night, in a enough credit for doing this. room with all the lights turned off, But fun is making a come- the game is still bright. The guards back – and not just through may not be able to see Sam, but the the infmaous controller for the player can still clearly see all the Nintendo Wii, or the block-bash- contents of the room. In the entire ing mayhem of Lego Star Wars. game, I barely used night-vision, Peripheral gaming in general never touched the thermal vision has gained momentum over or the ‘wave’ vision (which unlike the past years, not only secur- previous games, is never required Splinter Cell 4 might be good, clean, throat-slitting, terrorist-beating, fun – but it’s not one for the kids ing the Playstation 2’s success for an objective). The iconic three – as Chris Hemmens explores green eyes have been such a staple overleaf – but also opening up of the series since its foundation, no problem keeping my trust with tremely difficult to place a corpse in is symbolic of laziness and apathy a whole new style of play, and and I was dismayed to find that they both organisations at a respectable the sparse and small dark spots so with which the whole product was a whole new style of gamer, in now so surplus to requirements, level – some of my decisions had necessary for concealing them, and put together. The care lavished on the way we interact with our that in some missions Sam doesn’t notable permanent effects – with- on one occasion, when I had a pile Splinter Cell, Pandora Tomorrow consoles. even bother to wear his headgear. A out giving too much away. of unconscious enemies ready to and Chaos Theory by Ubisoft Mon- The festive season is almost high price to pay for a new twist in So while Splinter Cell: Double dump off the edge of an iceberg, all treal seems incomprehensible to upon us, and next week we’ll gameplay. Agent seems on the whole to be but two of them disappeared. the European continental develop- be exploring the highs and The trust system, and the array an improvement, even with these I found Splinter Cell: Double ment team responsible for Double lows of what’s to come during of objectives (most of which are shortcomings, it has several far Agent to be a frustrating, disap- Agent. Make no mistake, I had a December. optional, and some of which are more fundamental problems that pointing but still thoroughly enjoy- great time playing this game. I feel A lot of it is the same old shoot- conflicting), allow several different make the entire experience intense- able game. It was only at the end, as if I got my money’s worth, and ing, slashing and scoring – many paths through the game. There are ly frustrating. The ragdoll physics when I was treated to soundbites I will still look forward (although good games, but essentially tired multiple endings, and these depend are appalling – an enemy shot in instead of a cinematic, that I noticed somewhat apprehensively) to the concepts – so it’s good to see that on more than just the last fifteen a chair will often end up perched the absence of videos throughout next episode of what may now be both in the near future and ten minutes of the game. Whilst playing above the chair, some become stuck the game. a tired franchise. But I will always years down the line lies a fresh I genuinely got the feeling that my in a wall on their way to the ground, The brilliant faux news footage pine for the astounding game that, breed of gaming, as well as an choices were affecting the outcome and occasionally a corpse will just of previous stories has been re- with a little more love an affection, enthusiastic breed of gamer. of the conflict – and although I had remain floating in the air. It is ex- placed by faceless talking, and this it certainly could have been. 18 felix Friday 24 November 2006

GAMES [email protected] Kids play: Lego Star Wars 2 Play Again? Despite the increase in availability Andrew Cook and Tony Plana get to know the lighter side of the dark side of purely child-audience games for PC and handhelds, they all seem to be pretty rubbish rip-offs hat I love most of each other, or of ‘classic’ titles about Lego Star (such as Mario). Children may be Wars? You know easily entertained at first, but the exactly what is shallowness of these games soon going to happen shows through and they are soon Wwhen you push the start button. tossed aside. Taking the recent You’re going to be playing a game Finding Nemo game for GBA as based on the Star Wars franchise. an example, it is just a clone of a And it’s going to be constructed maze-based game from yesteryear, with Lego bits. It’s Lego... but in with exceedingly similar ‘puzzles’ Space! and small changes to surroundings And that’s what Lego Star Wars as the game progresses. is. Not Lego in Space – although, of course, it’s that too. What’s more important though is that it’s simple. It’s the most basic good versus bad story ever married with the most basic block building toy ever. And simple is good. Simple is always good. Superb graphics – second in Andrew’s list after the jokes which, despite not quite being of the giddy intellectual level of BBC Three – or, say, The Beano – are pitched per- fectly to the light-hearted feel of the game in general. But the graphics. They’re not FarCry in their scope, nor UT 2007 Look familiar? There’s a reason in their detail, but they’re Lego. They’re sharp, they’re bright, and However, is that not what all they crucially never get in the way (single player) gaming is? FarCry; of the gameplay. Kids don’t want at- a recent hit PC game is basically mosphere so thick that you can’t tell (read: cynically) a clone of Doom, what’s the player and what’s just a with islands and hired grunts big area of shadow. They just want instead of the walls and zombies? to kill stuff with lightsabers. This may be an over simplification At the Game On exhibition, cur- as there are differences, such as rently showing at the Science Mus- much better graphics & physics, teum, the older games are more jeeps & boats as well as the AI immediately attractive than the players you fight with, but the gen- newer ones, for me. It’s not be- eral gist is the same: shoot guys cause there’s something satisfying- and run. ly snobbish about refusing to play New, inventive, games and game any game that has more than two types are needed to stimulate the dimensions – it’s simply because kids’ games market if it wants to you only need to look at Space In- improve the quality of it’s output, vaders to ‘get’ the entire game. It and make the parents want to has a feeling. play the game as well (as many Lego Star Wars 2 has a feeling. ‘children’s books’ such as Harry Every level – whether it’s bombing Potter and His Dark Materials around the desert town of Mos Eis- have done). The game design ley or trying to work out what’s go- Andrew’s Review of Lego Star Wars 2 (quality of writing) will be what ing on in the Battle Of Hoth – flows “I thought it was moving with laughter, superb graphics, amazine movement and fantastic strategies. It pulls the parents in and hooks the from one section to another without was very hard to find Episode VI because I went around looking for it and I went outside! Eventually I children, not the characters and feeling too restrictive. found it. I think it’s more violent than the other one and it’s not suitable for kids under three. It was very big names which is the major force If you’re expecting non-linearity, hard – even I can’t do it! I think this game is not as good as Lego Star Wars.” currently. Detractors of computer though, this is the planet where you games may brandish even these get off, because Lego Star Wars 2 children’s games as BAD AND is the complete opposite. In fact, once you take up your lightsaber endings. You still respawn every men, but the fact that the kids no- EVIL, harming children’s health. if you expect anything less than a and step into the robes or fur of the time you die, and there’s no blood. tice it at all says something. The initiative therefore lies with run-through of the titular Original franchise’s finest – you’re here to But you can pull bits off people. I think it’s often too easy to make the hardware makers to ensure Trilogy of films, you’re going to be play pretend, and nothing else. It’s funny when you first see it, assumptions about young gamers their point is null, as with the more disappointed than the last It’s interesting to consider what and it’s not something that’s going that are completely wrong. Just as Nintendo Wii where physical move- Stormtrooper to be picked for the kids games really are. When you to give the average schoolkid night- I’m far too scared to ever play past ment is encouraged, nay, required, annual hoverball match. look at Lego Star Wars 2 – rated 3+ mares given that any Lego-based the first ten minutes of Silent Hill, to do well. But again – that’s why the game by the powers that be – you think experience tends to involve pulling someone half my age knows what works. There are no complications that it’s just blocky fun with no bad heads and legs off hapless yellow they like and what they don’t like. They don’t need to be pandered to. They just need designers to think about what’s actually fun. And he’s got a good point. Lego Star Wars 2 isn’t the result of pan- dering to anyone – the game’s just as fun for me to play as it is for any other self-respecting gamer. But it’s not quite as good as the original. Why? Because it’s more Star Wars No, we can’t bear to look either and less Lego. And to put a finer point on it – it’s more Lego Star Everything aside, children’s Wars and less pure fun injected into games will still get lots of sales your eyeballs. because children want everything It’s still a laugh with an extra play- and anything to do with a certain er – dropping in and out of any mis- show/movie/toy, so even if it only sion, and lightsabering your best gives a little bit of entertainment, mate to bits – and unlocking the co- does quality really matter to the pious characters is something that child?; probably not. The parent keeps you interested. But it feels however will probably be frustrat- like they’re trying too hard. You ed that the toy (as with all toys) is can’t force fun – it just happens. never touched after a month. “These aren’t the droids you are looking for. Move along.” Force. Anyone? James Skuse Friday 24 November 2006 felix 19

GAMES [email protected]@imperial.ac.uk New breeds of control freak Out now Felix Games knows a lot about you, Because real gamers don’t waggle joysticks all the time, explains Chris Hemmens reader. We know what college you go to, what your favourite student paper is, and we also know exactly n November 9th, what noise you make when given a Sony Computer En- plastic guitar and a copy of Guitar tertainment Europe Hero II. It goes a little something announced that the like this – “Weeeooooww weowow- Playstation 2 had owowowwww.” and then you twid- Obecome the best-selling computer dle your left hand a bit. You get the entertainment system in Europe. idea. Having sold 40 million units, it over- Yes, it’s expensive, and yes, you took its predecessor by a few hun- might feel it a bit short-lived if all dred thousand units. David Reeves, you’re going to do is play it on your SCEE President and CEO, cited own. But you’re never going to play that “the social gaming phenom- a game quite like Guitar Hero, and ena such as EyeToy, SingStar and the sequel is every bit as entertain- BUZZ!” were a major factor in the PS2’s success. So, quick question here, what do all these games have in common? If you said that they all use peripher- als, give yourself half a point. The true answer is that they appeal to a wider audience, so a more per- tinent question would be: does a game that appeals to a wider audi- ence require a peripheral? It must certainly help. Gaetan Lee, one of the main organisers of the science museum’s Game On exhibition, told Stoic TV in a recent interview “if you see a device that looks like a guitar, you know what you’re meant to do with it; you pick up a microphone, you know what to do with it.” In an industry where in- “You have to press the pedals.” ... “There are pedals?!” A guitar hero, yesterday put is generalised to something as generic as possible, seeing some- ing as the first. One of the great- thing that’s familiar can be a real Modern peripheral gaming grew following DDR’s dancemat, we saw just released its 7th incarnation est party experiences since Dance incentive to give it a try. out of the success of Dance Dance the release of maracas, bongos, here in the UK. Eyetoy has reached Dance Revolution whilst drunk. Of course, that’s only one type of Revolution and other dancing guitars, microphones, keyboards 17 specifically designed titles to But we also know that some of peripheral. If you want full immer- games as they made their transi- and even drumkits. Using music as date, and Buzz! already has 5 titles you are a bit too refined to be pranc- sion, you could always give Steel tion from the arcade to the home in a universal language, new ways of dedicated to it despite only being ing around with what looks like a Battalion’s controller a try. Involv- 1999. In the good old days, periph- play found their place in the home released in 2005, with a movie quiz demonic sex toy in your hands, so ing two control sticks and around 40 erals tended to come in the form and new ideas began to perpetuate due for release in early 2007. for something more cerebral this buttons, including one for washing of either steering wheels or arcade in the minds of designers. I finish with a look at the Wii. Is week, Warhammer: Mark Of Cha- the windscreen, it is one of the most sticks. Guns also featured in the re- it possible that the Wii controller os finally makes a release. It’s not complicated gaming peripherals in tail sector, though they embodied is the peripheral of all peripher- the detail orgy that some fans may existence. My friend Tom and I had wilder designs, as owners of SNES’s ony’s “Fire it up” cam- als? You may have to swing it like be expecting, but an RTS that’s well a go on it at the aforementioned super scope can attest. Rhythm ac- paign in 2005 promoted a tennis racket, use it as a samurai worth a look for those still waiting exhibition and during a play, Tom tion games caused a stir as a wider their SingStar, Buzz! and sword, or even turn it like a steer- for Supreme Commander. exclaimed “How do you get it to go variety of inputs were concocted. Eyetoy IP very heavily, ing wheel, but herein lies the prob- Speaking of which, coming nearly forward?” “You have to press one of Whereas steering wheels and the and in the long-run has lem: it’s designed to be as general a month late for spooky season, the pedals,” I said, to which he re- like fit one model that could apply beenS very successful. SingStar has as possible. Looking back over the Rule Of Rose is out for the Playsta- plied in horror “there are pedals!?” to a genre as a whole, in the years shipped all over the world and has insurgence of peripheral gaming tion 2 this week. Set in 1930s Eng- in the late 90s and early 2000s; are land and surrounding a group of we about to bear witness to the first step in combining accessibility with generality, and how will this affect the outcome of the decisions that the three major hardware manu- facturers have made? Sony are unerringly going to continue to make add-ons for their machines, it’s what they’re good at and why they’re so popular. So that leaves one final question; will Microsoft lose that mass-appeal that comes from everyday familiarity, or do they have the charisma and online audience to go the distance?

Rule Of Rose: It’s scary. Really

More From Chris young girls called the “Red Crayon Chris is one of the co-presenters of Aristocrats”, RoR seems at first to Stoic TV’s Games Watch, a show be usual horror fare, but the narra- dedicated to gaming news and re- tive really does make a change from views that airs once a week on the the endless combat that Silent Hill Imperial TV station. and Resident Evil are now plagued You can find an entire archive of with. And no – no, the group of girls the show online at www.stoictv.com, do not ‘get it on’. At all. as well as catching the show every Though you may be interested to Friday at various places around the know that Dead Or Alive: Extreme University. There’ll be more fea- Beach Volleyball 2 is still on track tures from Games Watch coming in for a Christmas release. Chris Hemmens at the weekend – Guitar Hero’s rock stylings are a big draw for those put off by geekery the future. We’re just saying, is all.

– The Colonel, “Raiden, turn the game console off right now!” Metal Gear Solid 2 20 felix Friday 24 November 2006

FILM fi [email protected] Casino Royale: 007 returns Has Daniel Craig got what it takes to maintain one of the world’s favourite franchises?

Yuen Ai Lee there is good news to be heard. This Film Editor time, climbing out of the waters, we don’t have Ursula Andress in her The previous James Bond was the trademark white bikini. We have in- striking Pierce Brosnan who dealt stead, the very tanned and sinewy Film times for Fulham more with cool machinery than any Daniel Craig. However, there is no Broadway from Friday, real fighting tactics. Daniel Craig cause for worry gentlemen. Across November 24 to Thursday, has stepped up to the platform, the glittering jewel-like waters of November 30, 2006 chided to be the geek who would Bahamas, we have the beautiful bring the downfall of the 007 series. Caterina Murino. And she is no less Paid Previews But the critics and naysayers have of a goddess on a white horse. been proven wrong. Daniel Craig Caterina Murino takes the role of Flushed Away (U) (RT1h50) has brought a new angle to James Solange, the girlfriend of Dimitrios. Sat/Sun only: 10:20 11:30 Bond. He is tough, lethal, lacking in Dimitrios is involved with Le Chif- 12:40 15:00 17:20 etiquette but still a winner with the fre, banker to terrorist cells. Secret ladies. Service informs 007 that Le Chif- Subtitled Shows Casino Royale heats up with a fre plans to raise money in a high- freezing start in Prague. Accus- stakes poker game at Le Casino Pans Labyrinth (15) (RT2h20) tomed to talk and slick language Royale. (Hence, the name.) And so Daily: (12:10 Not Sat/Sun) manoeuvres, this James Bond is all it is up to James Bond to save the 15:10 17:50 20:30 Fri/Sat about cold-blooded action. Witness day by playing his hand against the Late: 23:30 the black-and-white fighting scenes poker talents of Le Chiffre. and the cold gargle of water as a No James Bond film is truly com- man takes his last breathe. Swift plete without the cool cars and assassination skills gain him the gadgets. The internal microchip in status of a 00 agent. And his first his arm and the classic silver Aston New mission is to track down the terror- Martin should be suffice to satisfy ist, Mollaka in Madagascar. your technological addiction. To releases No prizes for guessing, but things teach him to play poker, M16 di- did not go quite as planned for als up the service of Vesper Lynd James in Madagascar. Instead of (Eva Green). Finally, we have an Pans Labyrinth (15) (RT2h20) catching Mollaka, he changes tac- intelligent, librarian-chic Bond girl Daily: (12:10 Not Sat/Sun) tics mid-strike and blows up the who can meet Bond’s mental and 15:10 17:50 20:30 Fri/Sat Nambutu Embassy. The lady, Judi physical abilities tit for tat. Tension Late: 23:30 Dench who resumes her role as M, is high and sporadic bursts of flirta- is obviously pissed with his wild- tious spats add light-hearted com- Jackass Number Two (18) child tactics. She becomes increas- edy to this well-packed action film. (RT1h55) Daily: 11:10 13:40 ingly displeased when she finds out While she does not don leather out- 16:05, 18:30 21:20 Fri/Sat he’s been breaking every rule in the fits and smash fists with terrorists Late: 23:50 007 book. aka Michelle Yeoh, she is a Bond Daniel Craig as James Bond is a girl in her own right. Tenacious D (15) (RT1h55) man on a mission and he has reason Unlike many sequels to well- Daily: (11:20 Not Sat/Sun) to suspect that he has just latched known series, you do not have to 13:50 16:20 18:50 21:10 on to the core personnel of terror- watch Casino Royale just to achieve Fri/Sat Late: 23:40 ist activity, the Banker. James Bond a sense of completion. Casino Roy- follows his instincts to the sizzling ale marks the beginning of a new The Santa Clause 3 (U) beaches of the Bahamas. Ladies, James Bond era. Daniel Craig, the sixth James Bond, stars in Casino Royale. Out now (RT1h55) Daily (10:10 Sat/Sun only) 12:30 14:45 17:00 19:15 Something big or a bit of nothing film?

from almost opposite ends of the General comedy barrel. Curiously the two brought out the best bits of each showings side without going over the top. If you’re not a fan of David Schwim- mer, this might just change your mind. He gives a grounded, rather Casino Royale (12A) (RT2h50) understated performance, which Daily: (10.00 Sat/Sun only) is a refreshing change, and is ob- 11.00 12:00 13.00 14.00 15.30 viously enjoying the challenge of 16:30 17.30 19:00 not being Ross forever by explor- 20.00 21.00 Fri/Sat Late: ing his darker side. Felix is happy 22:30 23.10 to report that he has done it to great effect. He plays off brilliantly Prestige (12A) (RT 2h30) against Pegg, doing what he does Daily: 21:30 Schwimmer remained oblivious to the stream of urine trickling down his leg as Pegg relieved himself best, just with an American accent. Alice Eve brings the threesome Breaking and Entering (15) together never failing to charm. (RT 2h20) Daily: (Not Sat/Sun Camilla Weiss McBroom (Alice Eve) in a seem- ing lulls you into a false sense of They’re supported by the likes of 11:50 14:40 17:20) ingly snag free plan to get rich security whilst secretly setting you Natascha McElhone, Mimi Rog- With a well-worn plot concerning quick. Of course, absolutely noth- up for a twist after twist. Richard ers, who has possibly one of the Borat (15) (RT 1h45) a mismatched trio embarking on a ing goes according to plan and to Greatrex (Shakespeare in Love, most bizarrely wonderful cameos, Daily: (12:20 Not Sat/Sun) seemingly foolproof blackmailing say ‘things spiral out of control’ Mrs Brown) adds a compelling and the consitently fantastic Jon 14:30 16:40 18:40 20:45 scheme that could not possibly go would be putting it rather mildly. sense of energy and style with his Polito who is so enjoyable to watch. Fri/Sat Late: 23.00 wrong and the relatively unknown Surprisingly, Big Nothing delivers often quite beautiful and imagina- A highly stylish and entertain- French director Jean-Baptiste An- far more than your average scam- tive shots which works really well ing tale of karmic retribution. It Open Season (PG) (RT1h50) drea (JBA) at the helm, you would gone-wrong comedy. The script- with the director’s dynamic vision. could easily have become ludicrous Sat/Sun only: 11.20 understand my initial doubts about writing duo, a combination of JBA What really makes the film so fun and dull, and there are a couple of the film. But I was in for a surprise. and American, Billy Asher, have is the quirky ensemble of A-listers moments where it seems to lose KIDS CLUB: Big Nothing tells the tale of Char- managed to produce a dark com- and newcomers which comprise the momentum, but thanks to some lie Wood, played by David Schwim- edy that is all at once hilarious, ab- eclectic cast. I’m a big fan of Pegg’s inspiring directing and great act- Cars (PG) (RT2h25) mer, a frustrated unemployed surd and tense enough to keep you comedy genius, having watched ing talent it leaves you, somewhat Sat/Sun only: 11:40 teacher. He reluctantly teams up on the edge of your seat. It plays Spaced one too many times and ghoulishly, wanting just a little with the unpredictable scammer like a deliciously twisted fairytale, I have always had a soft spot for bit more, with a final wicked twist Gus Dickinson, played by Simon reminiscent of the Coen brothers. Schwimmer’s character, Ross. Not sure to fire up the imagination and Pegg and his ex-squeeze Josie It’s visually enthralling story tell- an obvious pairing though, coming linger for longer than you’d like. Friday 24 November 2006 felix 21

FASHION [email protected] The best lo-fi fashion labels COOL Sarah Skeete browses quirky shops in central London, so all of you can be individual

BAPE Lazy Oaf OK, arguably so 2003, but still A very twee brand, born as a t- uniquely awesome! Originating in shirt company, and now expanded Japan, this once difficult to find into sweaters and accessories. brand has a shop on Upper James They also have a line of designer Street. Its distinctive patterned toys. As in, toys by Lazy Oaf, not sweaters and jackets are popular toys dressed in couture. Although with hip hop artists, in particular rather disturbingly Lagerfield has Kanye West (who features in their just designed a range of the figu- Autumn-Winter 06 catalogue) and rines wearing Chanel. Who the hell Pharrell Williams. Pharrell also buys Chanel figurines? If I found collaborated with Nigo, the creator myself round someone's house, and of BAPE, on his own BBC (Billion- Britney Spears saw the shelves lined with Chanel aire Boys Club) clothing range. She finally ditched K-Fed, figurines, I'd assume I was stuck lost weight and is ready in some sort of crazy horror film www.bape.com to make a comeback. OK, featuring Paris Hilton. There's only so the partying with Paris one Lazy Oaf store in London, off Hilton is a PR mistake, Carnaby Street, in Kingly Court. not to mention a definite health risk. Maybe she www.lazyoaf.co.uk was just asking Paris' ad- vice on sex-tape scandal damage limitation. If she doesn't make a come- back, then there'll be a highly public spiral into decline. Hopefully the ru- mours of Justin Timber- lake and Britney planning to record a joint album are true (but don't hold your breath. You'll die).

Gwen Stefani Her new single and video are hot. But her style these days has gone seri- ously downhill. And what is up with that Gucci-style logo for L.A.M.B. that she's wearing everywhere these days. It's so 90s.

Oki-Ni Ankle Boots Oki-Ni clothes are currently a little They make you look like too fashion forward. And by fash- Cult you have hooves for feet. ion forward, I mean totally hide- Unless you secretly want ous. They do however have a great Also located in Kingly Court, Cult to be a woodland deer, range of footwear, at ridiculous stocks a range of brands, including I would say this isn't a prices, that only 30-year-old's who Ringspun, Cheap Monday, Pop, Re- good thing. Although if dress inappropriately young can af- ligion & Penguin. You can find most you did have those kinds ford. However they have a sale on mid-sized street brands featured of aspirations you prob- at the moment, so take advantage in the OC at Cult. A lot of the price ably have bigger prob- of the temporarily student-friendly tags will make you choke, but you lems than ankle-boots. prices. Or, if you wait until 1-3 De- can find some key fashion pieces For example, the lack of cember, they have a sample sale, here. So, if you factor in the amount green spaces in London. with 80% off. Go to www.secretsam- of wear you'll get per pound, you plesale.co.uk for the sale. can easily justify the silly prices. www.oki-ni.com www.cult.co.uk LAME Policing London, post 7/7

Discussing the way London is policed with senior officers from the Metropolitan Police The panelists: Chaired by Nicholas Owen from ITN

Tarique Ghaffur Assistant Commissioner, Metropolitan Police Service

Rose Fitzpatrick Metropolitan Police Service

Musa Admani Director of the Luqman Institute and London Metropoli- tan University Imam

Geff Edwards Mirror Columnist and Chair of the Crime Writers Association

Reshard Auladin Metropolitan Police Authority Wednesday 29th November 6pm Lecture Theatre 220, Mech Eng building Followed by refreshments Friday 24 November 2006 felix 23

PUZZLES [email protected] Solving cryptics This Week’s Horoscopes

the definition – in the example Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov) Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar) Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul) above, the definition could be “brutally”, “talons” or perhaps Huge gaping wounds You like immature Do you like money, “brutally slain”. In this instance, appear in your face. humour, don’t you? Of naked ladies and it is “talons”, while “brutally Hahahaha. You look course you do, or you drinking Kristal? Well slain” indicates that it is an ana- ugly. Double haha- wouldn’t be reading this week you appear gram of “slain”, since any word haha. Also, you smell the horoscope. Well, in a hip hop video or phrase which imply disor- of vinegar constantly this week’s crossword featuring all of these. der – along the lines of “bru- because you work in a Walkers fac- has a lot of immature jokes in it. Go Then you get told at the end to foot tally”, “confused”, “disfigured”, tory. Well, not vinegar, but vinegar on, take a look. the bill or the very large Bruno will Scarecrow “mixed”, “disperse”, etc. – can flavouring. Triple hahahaha. I’ve Have a go at it. You know you fuck- play jazz with your organs. The bad be used to indicate that an ana- got nothing here, people. ing love it. news is that he hates music. gram is to be taken. As promised two weeks ago, Anagram-based clues are per- Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec) Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr) Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug) though delayed a week due to haps the most infamous, though a lack of consideration on the amongst the easiest to begin You are a disgusting The problem with you You get mistaken for part of a sub-editor, and due to with, but far more common are sadist. You have a is that you don’t listen. Keanu Reeves in a bar popular demand, this is the first those that contain a number of sexually transmitted I tell you things here one night. Laughing in a hopefully regular series of smaller words pieced together disease (say, genital every week, and you off the comparison, columns that will hopefully al- to form the answer. For instance, warts) and spread it to don’t do them. How you go home and low more people to solve the Felix “I go around truncated low ice as many people as you the hell am I supposed sleep. You then are crossword and, less importantly, house (5)” means the letters can in order to inflict the maxi- to write news if none of you go out unsure if you’re asleep or awake. cryptic crosswords in general. “Igo” around “lo”. (Since “trun- mum amount of pain on the largest and get raped by a labrador or set A black guy in leather turns up at The most common obstacle to cated low” indicates that “low” number of people. Get to a GUM fire to a school? I think it’s just self- your door. It’s Bruno and you still solving crosswords is not knowing is to be truncated – this almost clinic or I’ll hurt you. ish, and I quit. Screw you all. haven’t footed the bill. the types of clue commonly used, invariably means to do so by and finding them too complicated one letter. Other words used to Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan) Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May) Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept) as a result – in actual fact, there mean this can be “endless”, “un- are only a dozen or so frequently finished” or “headless” to mean This week, you’ll feel You think noone is Oh, you lot think used types of clue (or parts there- the first letter is to be removed.) a strange compulsion watching when you you’re so fucking of) that are needed to solve most This gives the answer “Igloo”, to smear your back migrate your hand to funny, don’t you? Well, crosswords. Before going any the ice house referred to in the in peanut butter and warmer climates to “Felix Horoscope” further, it is important to recog- clue. While this may sound far sled down nearby measure the humidity. is a euphamism for nise that a cryptic clue will almost too complicated, this sort of clue concrete ramps. After You are wrong! Jesus “syphillitic inflama- invariably mean something very becomes easy with practice. eighteen hours in A&E, the junior is watching you, and He’s loving tion”. You filthy bag of plague-rid- different on the surface to the an- Common pieces of such clues doctor on call finally removes all every minute. To spite you He den fuckwits. Keep away from me, swer it is driving you towards, and include numbers, which will the glass from your spine. You fall gives you the stigmata. No more I don’t want to catch anything. (Too most punctuation is thrown in to generally indicate their roman in love with him or something. rub-fun for you! late - Felix Horoscope Squad) further obscure the true meaning. numeral counterparts; “point”, For instance, “Brutally slain with which indicates n, s, e, w or any Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb) Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun) Libra (23 Sept – Oct 22) talons (5)” does not refer to any other points of the compass; sort of violent act. Instead, it leads “king” indicating r or k; “way” Look, we in Felix have Jesus is also God ap- You’ve completed all to the answer “nails” for reasons indicating st or rd; elements had a hard week. I parently. I thought I your problem sheets. that will be described below. indicating their abbreviations know it looks like the met Him once, I found Feeling studious you Clues almost invariably consist from the periodic table; transla- newspaper just ap- Him under Battersea take a walk through of two parts – a definition of the tions of simple words – le or la pears every Friday to Bridge nibbling at the the park, kicking the answer and some form of word- indicated by “the french”, for sate your need for bi- corners of a twiglets leaves. You then real- play. Crucially, these can occur instance; “that is” indicating ie; zarre writings, but it actually takes packet for sustenance. He told me ise every situation that happened in either order, and the setter of “for example” indicating eg; and us hours and hours to do. So while his name was Fernando and that in your problems is happening to the crossword will do their best any other common abbrevia- you’re getting loveless sex from there was a job for me as a waiter you. Bad news my friend, part 7a to make it difficult to tell which is tions may be used. strangers, we’re in the office. in his gingerbread house. He lied. wasn’t 23.4 eV. You’re going down.

Felix Crossword 1,365 Scarecrow

1 1 2 2 3 4 3 4 5 5 6 ACROSS DOWN Following a week of repeats, this week brings a brand new cross- 6 7 8 9 6 Common sense contains a use 1 Conditional release of father word with entirely new clues. that causes sickness (8) figure (6) The week before last, however, 7 8 9 9 Move forward a few centimetres 2 Half of mammoth in way of a only one person sent in a solution. (6) renaissance man (8) This was a little disappointing, as 10 11 10 Flow back into wild animal (4) 3 Ejaculate at girl back on I know for a fact that at least three 11 Double positive? No! (4,5) platform (3,3) people completed it. Please send in 10 12 Given food or a hat (6) 4 Point to see a grand heroin (4) your solutions - you can win actual 13 Urge to sweep a beater (8) 5 Dump badly-set joint (8) hard cash for your troubles. 12 13 14 15 Applaud pig at usual tube 7 Cut off sea cut and cut off air (9) Given last fortnight’s odds, you station (7,6) 8 Diplomacy that means “piss off” would be certain to win ten whole 11 12 17 Force health inspector into cut (13) pounds if you send it in. Given the (8) 14 Sounds like a prostitute is level of response last time, you 15 16 19 Drink from the honourable tube Oedipean and neon (9) wouldn’t even have needed to get a (6) 15 In the disco her entirety is single clue right. 13 14 15 16 21 Invigorated umpire about to connected (8) You literally can’t get better odds drop (9) 16 Out of bounds, two boys turn than those. 17 18 19 20 23 Finished a round of cricket (4) black (8) Scarecrow 24 In Levi’s, go purple (6) 18 Cool alien maimed by a leopard 17 18 25 Dish with french flats (8) (6) 20 Rotten song to confide (4,2) 21 22 23 22 Charge sounds reasonable (4)

19 20 Last week’s crossword 24 25 There was a massive mix-up in the 21 22 Felix basement last week, as the sharp readers amongst you may have noticed. We (and by we, I mean Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page me, Andy) managed to upload the down to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad by Tuesday 9am. wrong page to our printers. Each week, we’ll choose a winner and print their name, thus providing We are truly sorry, and will spend them with almost unlimited kudos and a tenner. Everyone who provides this evening whipping ourselves us with a correct solution will get an entry into our prize draw with birch twigs in penance for this at the end of the year. hideous mistake. at the union nov 24th - dec 7th WEDNESDAY 29TH & 6TH FRIDAY 24TH NOV

Vodka and draught £1.25 all mixer night in all bars. 29th November - 18-30 Holiday Reps Friday 24th November 20.00-02.00 6th December - ACC Bar Night

Every Wednesday At The Union! Carlsberg, Tetley’s & Blackthorn only £1.30 a pint only Free entry before 9pm, £1 thereafter

The Mingle was our sell-out Freshers’ Week party. THURSDAY 30TH For those who attended - you already know how much fun it is! DJ Sami Sanchez, DJ Rimmi and the DMC Scratch Champion, Blakey, are all returning with the best RnB and hip hop tunes around. Corona We are also opening the Hookah Cafe with the relaxation generation, and offering a special promotion of £3 per hookah all night. Bottle & lime only £1.50 FRIDAY 1ST DEC salsa world music upfront drum and bass with r ee salsa ls os FRIDAY 1ST DEC 20.00 - 02.00 Also our Hookah bar with With upfront tunes from: the relaxation generation. ALSO ON THIS FORTNIGHT Bryan G Movement: Chronic Records, V Recordings £1 from every Hookah sold Paxo and Terror: Kool FM - the drum and bass award winning radio station will go to Aids Week. Miss Pink: Blackmarket Records Fri 24th The Mingle Dj Surreal: Streetwise Music Tue 28th Da Vinci’s - Quiz Night Macpherson: Fabric Live Admission is free before 9pm and £3 thereafter. 50% of pre sales will go toimperialcollegeunion.org Aids Awareness Week Wed 29h Sports Night - 18-30 Holiday Reps please buy from Aid rep’s or org/ents Thu 30th Salsa World Music collegeunion. Fri 1st Subred VVodkaodka buy your eTicket online now at imperial Tue 5th Da Vinci’s - Quiz Night and draught25 mixer £1.25£1.t in Wed 6th Sports Night - ACC Bar Night all nighnight in Thu 7th Alternative Music Night all bars.

imperialcollegeunion.org/ents Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. uupfrontpfront drumdrum andand bassbass

FRIDAY 1ST DEC 20.00 - 02.00

With upfront tunes from: Bryan G Movement: Chronic Records, V Recordings Paxo and Terror: Kool FM - the drum and bass award winning radio station Miss Pink: Blackmarket Records VVodkaodka Dj Surreal: Streetwise Music Fabric Live and draught Macpherson: mixer £1.25 all night in all bars.

Also our Hookah bar with the relaxation generation. £1 from every AdmissionHookah soldis free will before go to9pm Aids and Week.£3 thereafter. 50% of pre sales will go to Aids Awareness Week please buy from Aid rep’s or imperialcollegeunion.org /ents collegeunion.org buy your eTicket online now at imperial imperialcollegeunion.org/ents Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. 26 felix Friday 24 November 2006

SPORT [email protected] Windsurfers sail away with victory

Niall Thomson looped a mountain board, attached to windsurf sail, on a flat beach with Autumn has to be my favorite time very little wind to aid take-off. of year; the leaves turning, conker Most importantly though, we dem- competitions and, of course, it’s of- onstrated our engineering prowess ten very windy! Because of the fan- by running away with the sand cas- tastic conditions this is a hectic time tle competition, bringing Egypt to for the windsurf club with weekly Wales, building not only the Pyra- events taking us all over the coun- mids but also a replica Sphinx. If try: Cornwall, Cardiff, Poole and you fancy getting a bit closer to the Nottingham all in the last month, real thing, as well as some sunshine with Cambridge this weekend and and wicked windsurfing, the wind- Exeter coming hot on its heels. surf club will be running a trip suit- Having focused on the beginners able for all levels to Egypt during at the awesome Aussie Kiss festival the Easter holidays; contact Chris in Cornwall (all 700 of them) it was for more information at chris@im- the turn of the advanced sailors perialwindsurf.co.uk. to show their skills at the Cardiff Following the success of the Car- wave event over the bonfire night diff weekend the whole club were weekend. reunited for the first Student Wind- Unfortunately the wave series surf Association (SWA) core event didn’t start with the eagerly an- of the season. SWA events are de- ticipated bang as the wind decided signed to let windsurfers of all lev- not to blow. Instead we got a final els meet up, windsurf, then party glimpse of summer in November; the night away which is exactly many thanks to global warming!* what we did in Nottingham (and Donning out favorite board shorts this time it was windy)! for probably the final time this year With a solid force 5 blowing and a Imperial dominated the sun filled good sized chop ripping across the Giant windsurfers flatten ancient Egyptian landmarks. Or maybe the landmarks are just far away weekend. Highlights included an reservoir, the windsurfers threw Imperial one-two, from Chris and themselves out there with passion; Alex, in the land-boarding speed what better way is there to clear What did the Romans ever do for petitions. For this we have to thank you hear and would like some fur- challenge, team victories in the your head in the morning? us? Toga, toga, toga! To celebrate the Union for its support, allowing ther information please contact us beach volleyball and ultimate Fris- Again Imperial dominated com- another Saturday, 200 windsurf- the purchase of high quality equip- at committee@imperialwindsurf. bee competitions, then wowing petition, as well as being the first ers graced Nottingham in evening ment which allows us to compete co.uk or pop along to our weekly the crowds and drinking de Apfle university on the water. Notable wear- fashioned from bed sheets, at the top levels where we couldn’t socials. Fizz as mock rock band Full Power high-lights included: a top 5 place safety pins, leaves, a toy sword or in the past; long may it continue. played at the eurotrash-themed for Chris in a highly competitive two and a smidgen of face paint. I With 4 fully qualified instructors party. Honoury Imperialite Lidl Freestyle competition, a 2nd and think it will suffice to say for now it and many old hands happy to throw * The windsurf club does not Miss Lucy won best costume (a sur- 3rd in the advanced racing for was fun... wasn’t it, Jake? Yvonne? a tip your way, the windsurf club endorse the abuse of our planet, prisingly classy affair made entirely Chris and Niall and top 5 places in The Imperial windsurf club is go- provides the ideal environment for in fact, far from it; every SWA of Lidl Bags). the intermediate fleet for Jahn and ing from strength to strength this people to take the first steps in the event is carbon neutral making A special mention must go to Jake - and this was Jahns first SWA year; making an impact not only on sport or show off their skills to an sure we don’t leave an unwanted Chris who somehow forward event! the dance floor but also at top com- educated audience. If you like what footprint on our future. Lack of backs causes IC 3rds a lot of pain

cards; Coach Dave did not fail to de- Mens Rugby liver. Apparently it was like watch- ing fifteen “raving homosexuals”, Sussex 25 finishing up saying the 3rds needed ICURFC 3rd XV 19 to “fuck off back out there and grow a pair.” The words of wisdom seemed to Oliver Bevis work; after an almighty charge from Imperial and some very sexy ruck- After last week’s hard victory, the ing, captain PCL dived over the line IC 3rds arrived at Fortress Harling- for our first try, which was cleanly ton, fired up for another battle. converted. This lifted spirits and IC’s kicker Antoine got the game heads were held very high as IC re- going with a good boot into the Sus- turned to their half. Unfortunately sex half, where IC managed to keep Sussex got a very lucky bounce the ball in Sussex territory for the from the kick and managed to touch first 20 minutes of the game. But, it down under the posts within two after this almost promising start, minutes of the restart. the IC’s play started to go down The game slowed down a notch hill. Sussex shipped the ball out to amd IC began to dominate up front, a strong runner in their back line the wheeling of the scrum that had who, after a couple of missed tack- happened last game (mainly thanks les, managed to touch the ball down to monster prop ‘Satcho Relaxo’) for his team. Following this, things and during the first half had turned became pretty dark; the home into a full on drive over the ball, IC thirds taking a line out; surely that’s going to hurt that gentleman’s downstairs mixup? It looks painful team making more mistakes than which produced many turnovers. a dyslexic trying to copy out the IC’s domination was confirmed fol- dictionary. lowing a line out mid-way through they managed to break tackles and up to their line slowly; unfortunate- back of the scrum to put the ball IC seemed to be giving away the half. A clean take from Nicolas get through. ly, after a turnover, a Sussex boot down. Unfortunately, in the heat of pointless penalties every minute, to jumping at four then, as directed by Soon after the second of these, IC sent the ball back into our territory. the moment, he confused the five the extent that captain Ben Thomp- Penfold, the forward bound round were rewarded with another seven The defence of this kick was a metre with the try line causing Sus- son a.k.a. Pork Chop Loin (PCL) and drove the maul just under half points, scored due to a hard tackle- little scrappy and a stupid penalty sex, along with everyone else, much received a mini bollocking from the way up the pitch. Upon reaching breaking run by Charlie, something was awarded in front of the posts amusement. referee for it. Despite this, IC man- the line the ball went through Pen- that he, along with fellow forward for use of hands in the ruck. This Through the final minutes, we aged only to concede one more try fold to our flamboyant Frenchy An- turned centre Sam, had been ex- did not dampen IC spirit; the re- kept on fighting in vain with the before half time, which the Sussex toine who dived in low for a try in ecuting all game. start saw some super rolling for- game ending with Sussex kicking kicker failed to convert despite it the corner. Unfortunately IC failed This left IC, in the final ten min- ward play; helped along with good the ball out of play. being taken from a position where to convert. utes, with only a three point deficit. strength from PCL and our Brown The mood was extremely sombre even the average prop forward The remainder of the match was Both teams seemed to wake up to Bullet Satcho. in the après match huddle, with could have made it. very close fought, both subsequent the fact that this match was still an- In the last few phases of play, PCL more words from Coach Dave, leav- The team knew there was an al- Sussex tries were runs by the ybody’s, and the intensity raised ac- secured himself twat of the match ing us with a lot of sorrows to drown mighty half-time bollocking on the backs, around the wings; where cordingly. We seemed to be pushing with a dive over the line from the at the Palais later that evening. Friday 24 November 2006 felix 27

SPORT [email protected] Rugby 1sts triumph over Bucks 1sts

Men’s Rugby

Bucks Chilterns 1st XI 11 ICURFC 1st XI 17

Alexander Johnstone

After the previous week’s poor per- formance against South Bank, the team were anxious to improve and prove the true ability of the squad. Similarly to last week, Imperial came out all guns blazing to score an early try through, fresher, Dan. Fletcher couldn’t quite make the kick, but it seemed like Impe- rial meant business. Unfortunately, from the restart the Bucks side tackled strongly and, with some impressive counter rucking, turned over a lot of balls they shouldn’t have been allowed. Their efforts were soon rewarded a couple of minutes later, when they slotted a penalty in front of the posts. With the backs trading kicks, af- ter the restart, it fell to Rob Phil- Imperial set up for another mouvement general attack against a bewildered opponent; the ref looks on, bemused and slightly off balance lips to make some good penetrative runs, feeding both wings to make some much needed yardage. How- With 25 minutes gone, team coach, Something stirred within the would surely have been taken out by Nathan’s look of disgust as Joe ever well the backs were playing, Joycey drew on his international Bucks team, and they really began of contention. Only then did Impe- delayed the off load until he had the forwards just weren’t providing experience (Swedish ladies) to take to make their weight advantage rial realise the embarrassment that managed to trip himself up. Luckily an adequate platform for them to the decision to make the back row pay, taking scrums and line outs would ensue if they were to be beat- Nathan managed to hold onto the play off. The lineout was uncharac- more dynamic. With the departure at will. It became evident if Impe- en by a side that boasted course ti- pass and crash over the line; for his teristically poor, with both wayward of Flannan (noticeably unfit and a rial were not prepared to man-up in tles such as “International football troubles some Bucks players felt it throwing and static jumping, the little overweight) it fell to fresher their tackling, it would be costly and management”. compulsory to jump on him. With Bucks team deservedly took pos- James Petit to bare the burden of the game would be lost. As the half started to close out, minutes to go Imperial typically session of the ball. the no. 7 shirt. After sustained pressure and nu- Nathan a.k.a the second heavi- took our collective feet off the gas, It became increasingly difficult The second half closed itself out merous catch and drives the Bucks est man in the squad (after Jov) conceding territory to Bucks and for the backs to do much with the with the departure of fresher and team were close to the Imperial was brought on in the centres for finding ourselves yet again fighting ball as the team was constantly team mullet Dan sustaining a sus- line, some strong defending (only Fletcher. He made an immediate at our try line. With Bucks needing pinned in our own half. The larger pected dislocated-relocated ankle. near our try line) prevented a try. impact both in the tackle and con- a converted try, a lineout wasn’t an Bucks pack was making it hard to Dan, in noticeable pain, decided to Special mention should go to Andjit tact area. Luke Taylor replaced option, so after gaining a penalty win any set piece and it was inevi- try and walk off from one side of who managed to hold up one or two Owen in the front row and gave the opted for the scrummage. Finally table that eventually we would con- the pitch to the other slowing up try attempts. srum some much needed stabil- the pack turned up and a good cede another score. It came from a proceedings, but giving the Impe- Bucks were eventually rewarded ity. With slightly better platform, shove gave Luke Taylor the oppor- scrappy passage of play with some rial forwards a much needed water for their efforts and a cheap pen- and the Bucks heavies starting to tunity to cheekily kick the ball out very poor first tackles from both break. His replacement, Tom Car- alty in front of the posts gave them tire, the team started to play some the scrum, the scrappy play that the Imperial forwards and backs. roll, seemed eager and ready for his 3 more points; letting them nudge better rugby. Fresher Joeseph proceeded resulted in a knock on by Eventually Bucks found the space second 1st team appearance. into the lead 11-10. It was as if the my balls-are-more-golden-than- Bucks. The ref saw this a suitable to move the ball out wide. The The second half started similarly fight was out of Imperial as Bucks Fletcher’s Brown made a fantastic moment to end the game. Imperial, only consolation from this score to the first with Imperial building reinstated their physical superior- charge down in the Bucks 22, only just the victors at 17-11, have a lot of being that the forwards had held 3 or 4 good phases before fresher ity and had us pinned back in our to be blinded by his own hair cov- work to do if we expect to hold our out against numerous attempts at James Audford cut through the half. But for a massive let off, where ering his eyes. The look of surprise position in the league. Andjit was catch and drives; something that centres to score a confidence boost- one of the Bucks players dropped on his face, as he somehow caught the only player to work hard in all had been worked on extensively ing try. The kick was missed, leav- the ball as he attempted to put the ball and attempted to scram- areas, thoroughly deserved his sec- during Monday’s training. ing the score at 10-8 in IC’s favour. it down over the line, the match ble for the line, was only matched ond man of the match this season. King’s Medicals enjoy a good bashing from IC

dicted – GKT’s classy team ripping half time; but IC 5th’s are no ordi- Men’s Football the 5th’s apart. I think goalkeeper nary football team. Allowing GKT GAAARRRRYYY put it best when to pressurise us further, we again GKT Men’s 2nd 1 he said “er, lads, they’re having too hit them on the break as the ball IC Men’s 5th 3 many shots…” Desperate defend- broke to Matty in the area and he ing seemed to be the order of the won a strong 50-50 challenge with day, as GAAARRRRYYY kept us in the keeper before rolling the ball Sam Styles the game with a string of fine saves into an unguarded net – 2-0 IC at – including a full length dive to tip a half-time. With four games of the season gone, free kick around the post. IC’s inspirational half time IC’s favourite football team stood With the score (somehow) still at team talk from QPR’s “Robbo” at a cross-road. Played four; won 0 -0 after half an hour; captain Gui helped to bring GKT back into the 2, lost 2. The result of this match made a surprise tactical change game as literally seconds after would determine whether 5ths had worthy of Claudio Ranieri himself. the interval the otherwise flaw- won 3 and lost 2 or vice versa, which Removing the very impressive Sam less GAAARRRRYYY’s hesitation meant that it was literally a quite and Chris from a narrow midfield turned a seemingly innocuous long Imperial footballers employing disgusting diversionary tactics important game. The opposition be- and bringing on himself and Umut, ball into a pin point pass to leave fore us – GKT 2’s – had demolished and switching from a 4-1-3-2 forma- the GKT striker to roll the ball into IC’s 4th team 8-1 the previous week, tion to a traditional 4-4-2 had an im- an empty net. began to lose their shape and disci- linesmanship from Sam “no nick- and even though we all know that mediate impact as Gui scored with Game on. At this point the game pline and IC looked the most likely name” Styles ensured that IC held the fourth team aren’t really up to his first touch after a great through could really have got away from IC; scorers for the remainder of the on for a famous 3-1 win. much (3-0, 3-2 – James Skeen, Paul ball by “Classy” Matty Smith. but luckily James “Long” ran onto game. An excellent display all round, Notshark, Mike Pursey: your boys It was completely against the run a “long” ball almost immediately af- A combination of Scott “The self- but special praise goes to the back took one hell of a beating; twice) of play but never mind – IC were in ter the GKT goal, and made no mis- proclaimed Animal” Mackenzie’s 5; GAAARRRRYYY, Scott, Toby, it was with a degree of trepidation front! take to slot the ball past the keeper incredible sliding challenge, “Citi- Snipps and Graham who coped that we approached this game. An ordinary football team might with a quite “long” shot. After this zen Snipps” Ed Lobb’s amazing excellently with a quick and skilful The first 20 minutes went as pre- have attempted to cling on until (metaphorical) hammer blow, GKT goal line clearance and excellent GKT side. CROSSWORD HOROSCOPES Sport page 23 Hockey girls strike like lightning

RSM Ladies Hockey

RSM 1st XI 1 Royal Holloway 3rd XI 0

Charlotte Atteck

The RSM Ladies turned out for their first match of the season on Saturday at home against Royal Holloway 3rds. Although the opposition tried their hardest to intimidate us with their 20 minute warm up session, we casually looked on from the side lines with a bottle of White Light- ning to keep us warm, in true RSM fashion. From the start it was clear who the dominant side were, as we kept possession in their half for the first 15 minutes of the game. There were several great runs for goal by the newly recruited Miss Willy, “Ka`ie frm Lu`on” and Dasha, who all worked beautifully upfront through- out the game. Encouraging words such as “Who’s got the fucking post?” and “Who’s covering this bitch?” could be heard throughout the match from MJ Spammy, in goal, who was awarded champagne moment for her stunning acrobatic skills in goal, including a split save in the second half that would have made the crudest of you blush. Towards the end of the first half the lung burn had set in for most. The tables may have turned had it not been for the amazing efforts of Something is deeply, deeply, wrong with this picture. Can you spot what it is? If you are, you’re sharper than a number of the Felix team The Crowther, in defence, who eas- ily regained and dispersed any balls that came our way with the skill and After a brief tactical meeting dying team, we could have strug- stuck around to cheer us on, and to ing, and we can’t wait until the next power that we mortals can simply at half time we were back on the gled, but for the defensive efforts of Pikey and Mikey for umpiring. match! dream about. pitch, coming on strong and looking Dawn, Kate, Alice C, Elly and Ally Man of the Match was a close call The score at half time was still nil- to get our goal. It came soon after who repeatedly kept Holloway at between Sara and Welshy but Willy A note from Alice Rowlands, nil, which did not reflect the effort half time; a stunning hit from The bay. Special mention to Alice R who got the last vote which secured her Sports Editor: the entire team was making but was Crowther to Els Bells in midfield, ran out every short corner (yes, the dirrrrrty pint. I’d like to thank Charlotte was not “slacking”; she more a reflection of the bias umpir- who passed it onto the Willy, who all 20 of them!) making sure they everyone for turning up and putting was working bloody hard through- ing (Mikey and Pikey - tut tut!) that spanked it to Ka’ie on the post, who weren’t successful. in such an amazing effort. There out the whole match, hence the took place through out the game brought home the goal! All in all a fantastic start to the sea- wasn’t a single slacker on the team rather red face she was sporting (was that 20 short corners?). With 20 minutes to go and a slowly son; special thanks to the boys who (apart from me) which is great go- following the match! (See above)

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