Table of Contents Above and Beyond Normal...... 2 My Entire World was Games...... 4 A Domain of Myself...... 6 An Even More Consuming Obsession...... 8 The Tip of the Iceberg...... 12 Starting Over Again...... 18 Something Needed to Change...... 19 Shattered Delusions...... 23 From Trouble to Recovery...... 25 No Need to be Perfect...... 29 Excuses… and Honesty...... 32

Note: These stories have been copied from forum posts and all spelling and grammatical errors are those of the original author. Above and Beyond Normal My first gaming experience was backgammon when I was around five. My dad thought it would be easier to learn to play on a board which set up itself kept the die’s number and only allowed you to move correctly. Board games were big on our family. I always was too involved and too interested in winning. Our TV/VCR got thrown out because we were always sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night to watch something. My next big hobby was reading. I would disappear in the fantasy world of the written world and imagination.

I discovered gaming at my friend's houses. My parents rarely got us the electronic games and my friends always seemed to have all the new stuff. I would go over to their houses and watch them play and then use their computers or consoles when they were done playing. Personally I never understood why they would stop and play ball. Personally I would stay all weekend and game. I would game all weekend and into the night if I could get away with it.

When I was around twelve years old I found a gameboy in our car after car pool. It had the kid’s name on it and he lived down the block. I kept it used it for six months before returning it to him. I felt sick about stealing his gameboy; however I didn't feel like I had a choice.

My parents worked at home and eventually I turned to their computers to play. While they let me use their computers a little, usually they did not want to allow me to use their computers, and engaged a password. It took me forever but I eventually hacked windows to allow me to get on without a password. I had no computer training at the time. I would sneak into my parent’s office after they left for the night. I remember one night when I was in fifth grade, I played red alert until my parents woke up in the morning. This was on a regular weekday.

I thought that what I was doing was normal. I was a kid and I was playing! I did not understand that the game had become more than a game for me. While I always figured that I played a little more than everyone else, looking back, each game I played longer than was normal, however the entirety of my time (whatever I could get away with as a kid) was spent gaming. Way above and beyond normal.

I played mostly strategy games, although I did a fair bit of first person shooter and role playing (never ending games). I tried once to make a list of of all the computer games I played however it is irrelevant.

At 17 years old I attended a boarding divinity school in France for two years and then for another year in Germany. I did not have access to any computer or gaming console. When I came back to the states I started working part time while I continued my studies. The first paycheck I received went straight into a laptop. This is when my gaming got serious. What started as chess offline and pinball turned into RPGs and soon I was gaming 6 hours a night while studying full time. Naturally my grades started to get a little soft.

For the most part I did not have internet connection and my gaming career was offline.

Over the next three years my gaming scheduled crept up from six hours a night to eight hours a night. I would have gamed longer if I was not working eight hours a day and finishing my rabbinical degree eight hours a day. If you do the math you will see that this isn’t really possible. I was cutting corners both with my studies and my job and I started to fail at both of them. I got an average of three hours of sleep a day.

After failing a few tests I managed to scrape through with my Rabbinical degree and I started working full time. My mental state was suffering immensely. When you spend the all of your brain power killing things and don’t get any sleep to recuperate you start to see thing exploding all day long in the outside world. Thankfully people can’t read minds because they would have locked me up. I will not go into all of the details of my insanity here, although I have shared them one on one.

Part of the problem was that I was not only gaming when I was gaming, I was fantasizing my game and playing it out the rest of the day as well. I would have a daydream going on in my mind on the side of whatever else I was doing.

The effect gaming had on my mind was extreme. When I gamed I was in the game entirely. It was no game for me. I can remember detailed conversations which happened months ago and recite them back. When I was gaming I couldn’t remember conversations which happened an hour ago. Gaming had a stronger effect on me than alcohol. Of course alcohol has a very strong effect, however both intellectually and emotionally gaming took me over 100% which I never could get alcohol to do. On a bad day gaming numbed out everything. Even just knowing that I could game later that day would provide me a sense of relief.

I had tried to stop gaming many times. I usually could make it stretch for 3 weeks or so before everything in my life got so tedious and boring that I simply had to go back. My social interaction were cut down to a minimum and I had a hard time even attending basic social events or sitting around a table for an hour. I knew that I was deeply ashamed of my gaming whenever anyone close to me who was not a gaming addict brought it up.

I finally felt that I needed to quit gaming because I saw that gaming was sucking the life out of everything I did. Everything which happened in my real life meant less and less to me as time went on. I had a fantasy that I would be found insane and they would lock me up in a padded room with a gaming computer where I could game the rest of my days. Sick sick sick. I had figured out by that point that I could not stop on my own, and that if I did not find a way to stop I would never have much of a life.

I had tried counseling for two years and they tried to help me moderate and eventually quit. As some of my relatives are addicts I had attended another fellowship similar to Al-Anon to help cope with their destructive behavior. It finally clicked for me that perhaps this slightly unhealthy behavior I had was an addiction and I searched the internet for a 12 step gamer’s addiction program.

I worked through the first nine steps within three months of joining the program, and I have sponsored many gaming addicts, most of whom eventually went back to gaming. I went to a meeting a day online and spend many hours talking to other gaming addicts.

I got married after being in the program for about a year, and I currently have two kids. I attend one face to face meeting a week which is not enough, however there are so few recovering gaming addicts. I hope that recovery from this disease will become more widespread both for me and for the addict who still suffers. While my story is much longer and complex than these two pages, these are the cliff notes of the path of my addiction, and my recovery today. I urge you to consider, is your gaming habit a little too much, or have you lost control of your life, your mind and your sanity?

My Entire World was Games Up to the age of 12 I lived in Connecticut. Had a knack at piano from a young age (around 7) and played sports, all-around "good kid" from the outside perspective. My family has always had trouble but I just didn't consciously recognize it very much back then.

We were moving south and for about a year before we moved, I would sneak out every night. Steal beer from my friend's dad's fridge or my parents. We'd bring it with us down to the woods where we hung out. Not sure why, just to feel more grown up I guess.My friend and I robbed our neighbors house. Nothing big, just comics and stuff. We stole bullets too. We left them in my friend's room and were playing with firecrackers, throwing poppers at his cats. We went down to the store and as we were heading back to his house, there were firetrucks speeding by and his house was up in flames. Huge hole in the roof (from the bullets?). We lied to the firemen who asked us questions, telling them we left a lamp on and thought the cat may have knocked it over. Apparently they bought it. His parents ended up having to renovate their entire upper floor. I moved shortly after.

Moving to Georgia at this young age I had no friends. Police started contacting my family regarding the robbery and everyone thought it was my brother (My brother was older and had previous troubles with the law so it was the obvious assumption from anyone on the outside). I kept that lie up for a year until finally admitting I was the one. Lots of stress and guilt, I even felt enough guilt at that young age to consider stabbing myself in the heart lol. Every time the phone would ring it'd hurt me. Only a couple friends, and they were gamers.

I remember the moment when I revealed to my parents I robbed that house. Guess what I was doing? I was downstairs playing on our 286, at the time it was probably an old Sierra game.

From 13-15 my gaming progressed but I'd safely say I was still a normal kid, balancing piano lessons, sports, good grades, etc. Around the age of 15 when I was in junior high, it was getting real heavy. All-nighters constantly. I'd be rushing back upstairs to my bedroom to pretend I was asleep when I'd hear my father getting ready for work.

I'd skip school constantly to play more. I stole money from my parents so I could buy more games. My mom's drinking had become real bad too, she would regularly pass out at night. One time when coming back from a movie with my father and sister, we found her passed out on the wheel of her car heading out of our driveway (presumably to pickup more liquor). My father was a very angry man around these times too. My brother hadn't been diagnosed with his schizophrenia yet, it was just seen as drug problems with him. Constantly in trouble unfortunately, lots of physical fights with my father too. So yeah, gaming. Lots of it. The only escape.

I ran clans for games dating way back. Multi-game clans which were pretty successful at the time. I'd be in school sketching levels for a game that I'd build. I'd be thinking of my clan's logo design during class. I'd be passing around guides for the latest RPG with classmates, discussing secrets they had discovered and progress they had made. My entire world was games. Regardless of where I was or what I was doing.

Did I feel ostracized? No not at all, in fact, the opposite. I felt arrogantly proud of my small circle of gaming friends. I saw "everyone else" as 'clones', and the resentment for most people in society and most peers was very open and very clear to anyone who knew me. I felt better than most people. A false sense of pride.

Around 17 my brother had been mentally discharged from Navy. That's when we finally knew his real issues. Despite this, my father and him fought when he came home "because he shouldn't have been there", breaking the glass window to the front door. Brother had to get stiches, neighbors called cops, and my brother was put in jail for his first six months back home after Navy discharge.

Sister was hooked on heroin at this point. Meth later too. My mom was full blown into her addiction and my father was cheating on her presumably. He was ready for a divorce.

I was achieving great things in several games. God knows what. I'd have to look at a release timeline to tell you all exactly what I was playing, because probably anything that was out at that time I had my hands in it.

I dropped out of my school to finish early at an "independence" school. That way I could drink more, party more, game more before graduation for most people. I chose not to goto the prom because of a LAN party I had planned.

My mom had come back from rehab and had a seizure because she started drinking again, fell down stairs and broke her vertebra. My father finally divorced her. My sister was sent out of state to "Narcanon" (huge mistake.) My brother was in a halfway house. I was living with two other gamers, and I can't count how many jobs I went through.

So now, 20s, all gaming. Relationships were all about sex. Friends were limited to only gaming buddies. No career ideas. No college yet. I regularly stayed up all night. My bed times, no guilt. It was to be hardcore, I felt good about beating games and reporting that to my small group of friends. I still maintained regular clan meetings. Still had growing success online with my games of choice. But the thing is, I played everything. Had every system. Tried everything.

It begins with fun. Then, fun and trouble. Then just trouble. Well, early 20s was when it was "fun & trouble". By the time I hit 28 though, I just hated everything about myself. I tried quitting. Couldn't. Tried every form of moderation. Couldn't stick. This is when it was just "trouble". I hardly walked away from a gaming session feeling proud or relieved, I just felt disgusted.

I used games as an escape from my life at an early age. That's how I learned to cope. I brought that into my adult life, and it was VERY difficult for me to pry away. It was my only tool, my only weapon against the crap I felt and my shitty life.

I can't tell you all how blessed I feel to be game free right now. To have you all to relate to. This program, my higher power and all of you keep me off games. You all remind me that I don't have to feel ashamed, that I can confront the bad stuff with healthy tools learned from this program.

A Domain of Myself Hi, I'm a gaming addict. I would like to start sharing a text I wrote when I was in on of the my darknest night.

" Again facing the abyss. Willing to fall back, slip down to the void, into the depths, into the darkest part of my being, nothing matters. Did I ever care about? I know what awaits me. After the long fall comes the strike, hard strike, pain, tears, look up and see nothing, only a pervasive darkness, lost, alone. The body numbed by the long fall wakes up, unmotivated, without understanding very well I start to climb again.

“Maybe someone did a mistake, there was a transfer error, these things happen, but who complain? There is no number of assistance: "Look, listen, here's a misunderstanding I didn't had to born, has been an error." No, this does not exist. It is there, I was thrown into the world of dualities, where there is hot and cold, pain and happiness. I do not want either, just want to disappear, not be part of this, I is too big this commitment, I am not able to face this reality and I dont want it.

“Maybe my odyssey is falling to climb again. Is this my paradigm? I tasted the cold darkness, their blackness hugs and makes me disappear, but..After I throw myself into the abyss I could sense the faint sunlight on my weak body, maybe just maybe, I should go through the grey clouds that surround the abyss, go a little further, climb a little higher, feel the touch of sunlight, it will be difficult, it is not known ground. The abyss,the fall, the climb, I know them. I have created some comfort in this process, but would be able to go into the unknown? "

Since my childhood I have had a series of escapist habits I didn’t want to face reality. Engrossed in virtual worlds, where I could spend days, weeks and months playing in front of a computer. I couldn’t cut this routine as much I try, I tried all, always relapsed again. I had and still have sometimes an inability to put my feet on the ground and make or finish projects and ideas, many unfulfilled promises, a thousand things begun, none finished, adding the difficulty to perform the basic things of everyday life.

All this translates to a feeling of I continuously stamp against the wall, I have tried many ways, there are times that I had the feeling of having past the page, in the end, I couldn’t hold it in time, always falling back into old patterns. It's like a never-ending story of not being able to do, not having energy to make the changes you need to do. Gradually, from time, to try and have the perception that you keep failing you start to see how someone who really has no desire, just saw yourself weak and a failure that is not capable of doing basic and simple things of life. Every time It’s more harder to sustain oneself. I see others slowly fulfilling their objectives, pursue their dreams and I’m there, stopped, stuck without being able to advance, trapped.

The worst thing is knowing what you're doing is totally harmful to you, I’m hurting myself and I still go on, I dont find a way regulate it, dominate it or clean it. I try but I can’t change. I see the problem solving in a mental level, but 2 + 2 don't give me 4. Anger, frustration, misunderstanding of oneself, desperation.

If I try to explain my problem, people laugh at me, just call me lazy and I have a child’s attitude. They told me is not that hard. “You just have to stop playing and do something with your life”. Yeah so easy, why didn’t realized that lol. Gaming addiction is a lonely path, a lot of people these days don’t undrestand. It’s like to be alone in the surface of the moon. Its really hard to find someone to share this feelings and thoughts.

It’s so important to find someone that can understand you and don’t judge you. I tried to walk this path alone, but I can’t. Years ago I met one person who help me. He listened and contained my thoughts, my emotions and my pain, I'm really thankful for what he did for me. Verbalazing or writting what you have inside is so important. Take it out.

I started looking to myself, my thoughts, my emotions, see whats going on with myself. Observing the process. What impulse compelled me to my addiction. Slowly and patiently I started to gain a little domain of myself. But still relapsing at some points. I was frustrated and I hate myself when I relapsed, I stop doing that. I stop judging myself, stop comparing myself to others, I began to appreciate my efforts. It’s hard to do all these changes but I work every day to change my prespective. I didn’t find radical changes night to day works. I saw what it works in life and myself is a slowly perseverance, day to day, step by step. Love every day, love every step, feel the little victories of every day.

I continue relapsing. But I look the big picture and I saw the time to relapse to relapse are bigger and bigger and the time I was playing in the relapse it was shorter and shorter. So I was happy, and I see every time I relapsed I found something important that help me, this last time I found CGAA.

Now I was trying to quit Streams and youtube gaming channels, becouse watching this made me to play again so easy and I wasted to much time every day too, can’t control it. I was in this “battle” for a year, when I found CGAA and I started with the steps that help me so much. Now I don’t watch videos. It’s the first time I’m 100% clean, no games, no streams, nothing.

I only did step 1, but that help me so much, the true realitzation that I’m powerless that I have no power to gaming and all related to gaming is like I throw away a big backpack full of responsibility and duty I really feel relieved. Take a load off my back that how it feels. Now is time to step 2. Step by Step, thank you.

An Even More Consuming Obsession Looking back on things now I realize that I first began to show signs of gaming addiction at the age of six. My parents limited my time on the computer to twenty minutes of games per day, so even though I had a lot of siblings, I was pretty limited in terms of how much screen time I got. I never dreamed of trying to disobey them in terms of play time, but since there were no rules about playing at somebody else's house, I would not uncommonly wind up playing with a friend of mine over at his house. He would pretty much always ask me what I wanted to do when I got over there, and although I was ashamed to just say straight up "let's play (game of choice)", I always bounced the decision back to him with the fervent hope that he'd choose the computer. We wound up playing games together on a somewhat regular basis, but every time he suggested something that wasn't the computer, or any time his mother insisted we do something else, I felt a very keen sense of disappointment. It would be a long time before gaming got out of control enough to start causing clear and obvious damage in my life, but the early warning signs were in place from the very beginning.

Things first started getting out of control to a noticeable extent in the fall of 2005 when I moved into a house with some guys in my current city of Detroit. My first order of business was to find a job, but fear of being rejected by a potential employer was bad enough that I would not uncommonly stay back in the house, playing games. I didn't like how much I was gaming, and it bothered me that I was so clearly using games to hide from something I knew I needed to do, but it wasn't until I was faced with either getting a job in the next month or moving back to my parents that I finally was able to start looking in earnest. The fear of looking like a failure was great enough to overcome the fear of rejection, and I got busy. I didn't like doing it, but I did it, and got a job a few weeks later. Once that source of fear was removed, gaming mostly faded back into the background unless I went back to visit my family. Every time I visited my family, I'd spend hours gaming (the twenty minute limit no longer applied to me). I'd always use the excuse "there's nothing to do" (a mostly true statement), but I was concerned about the seemingly addictive nature of my gaming, and at one point tried (successfully) to not play any game of any sort for a whole two weeks (which included a weekend at my parents). It was NOT a pleasant two weeks, but it proved (in my mind) that I couldn't be an addict because I'd been able to quit successfully. I was going nuts the whole time I was abstaining, but it didn't take long after the two weeks were up for me to forget all about how unpleasant that time had been.

Once I started undergraduate studies, gaming began to accelerate. I pulled my first all-nighter playing a game, and then I began gaming while in classes instead of listening to lectures (if the lecturer was boring or the class was easy, that is...good lectures in difficult subjects got me to take notes). I began gaming between classes while at school, and eventually got a work-study job that involved a fair bit of free time. I could have used it to do homework, but mostly I used it to game. Things finally started to get really nasty in late 2011 and early 2012. At that point I was nearing the end of my undergraduate studies, and my course load had dropped somewhat in intensity (giving me what felt like loads of free time) while still retaining enough difficulty to feel stressful. I began gaming at pretty much every available opportunity, and started showing more symptoms of gaming addiction. I started showing up late (or almost late) to classes when I had before showed up 5-10 minutes early for pretty much everything. I started barely being able to finish my homework on time instead of my usual several days early. More significantly, my life began to be increasingly filled with depression, self-pity, and suicidal thoughts. No amount of effort on my part seemed to make a difference in my playing time, and the more unavoidable my powerlessness became, the more my emotional state deteriorated.

The first few weeks of January 2012 were the worst. I was so miserable and depressed that if my mind wasn't being forcibly occupied by something, I was thinking about suicide. I was doing first-hand research on what it means to feel hopelessness, and to this day that remains probably the single most miserable experience of my life. In the middle of that, one of the guys in the house gave me some changes to make in the way I was living. They didn't seem like much...get some exercise at least 3 times a week, pray more, and start keeping a gratitude list. I was pretty sure that doing this wouldn't make any difference, but I also knew that what I was doing wasn't working, and I certainly didn't have anything to lose at that point, so I took all three suggestions. To my astonishment, I was suddenly able to stop gaming. It wasn't a white-knuckle thing that made me miserable, it was just the ability to not start playing a game today. When I look back on it now, I realize that this was the first time in my adult life where I did something that I didn't want to do because somebody else told me I should...aka, the first time in my life where I wasn't my own Higher Power. Before long I noticed that I was consistently waking up with a pleasant but almost entirely unfamiliar feeling, and eventually realized that it was the feeling usually referred to as "happiness". Sadly, this would only last for a short while, as one of the relationships I'd had for years with someone in the house went south in a big way.

I realize now that the relationship was unhealthy from the very beginning, but since I didn't know at the time that the relationship had been controlling and manipulative from the very beginning, the shift into an abusive relationship was both shocking and incredibly painful (it would be close to two years before I was finally able to accept the realities of how that whole relationship had gone). The pain of experiencing regular verbal and emotional abuse eventually combined with the intense stress of the masters program that I'd started that summer and lured me back into playing a game. At that point I saw myself not as a gaming addict, but simply someone who played games addictively. I knew that playing the game was a bad idea, but at that point I'd been game free for around six months, and I had long since forgotten just how miserable I'd been back in January. All I knew was that I was miserable RIGHT NOW, and there was a game that looked interesting...

The next year was one of slowly watching my life go downhill. Happiness gradually became nonexistent, suicidal thoughts returned to their former place as regular companions of mine, and gaming slowly became an even more consuming obsession than it had been before. I began attending chat meetings for recovering gaming addicts around April or May of 2013, but despite getting a sponsor, calling him nearly every day, and attending a meeting most days, I continued to relapse. Eventually I found myself pulling multi-day binges in which I would game in excess of 16 hours a day for multiple days in a row. My brains turned into complete mush and I lost all ability to perform anything even remotely approaching abstract thought, For two months I was essentially incapable of doing anything more mentally taxing than surviving in the moment. Food and water I could handle, but anything else was just beyond me. My entire life I'd felt smarter than the people around me, and I trusted my mind more than anything else I knew. Having that mind taken completely away from me was one of the more awful experiences my addiction brought to me, and provided a big catalyst for getting as serious as possible about working the program.

I began calling my sponsor pretty much every day, but despite doing my best, I still couldn't stay away from games for any length of time. I'd get a few weeks, or maybe even a month or two, but then I'd relapse and spend a day back in the addiction. Some of those relapses were fed by my other addiction (which I discovered when I first got serious about quitting games), but most of it was fed by pain and self-hatred. A relapse would make the pain go away for the moment (which I desperately wanted), but it would also harm me in the long term (which, in my self-hatred, was something else I wanted). I remember a point in early to mid December of 2013 in which I was just about ready to give up. No matter how hard I tried, I always went back to the addiction, and nothing I'd tried had been able to stop me. I was talking to somebody in the program and asked "how do I stop relapsing?" (or something along those lines), and was told that maybe I just needed to go do some more "research". I felt completely misunderstood, because my question had been serious, and the answer had felt flippant and dismissive. I talked to my sponsor about it, and he disagreed, but the damage had been done. I decided that I would make one last try, using the "act as if" principle, in which I act as if something were true until the day comes that it actually IS true.

I decided to act as if I WANTED to do all of the recovery things I was trying to do. I would make extra phone calls and go to more meetings, and if that didn't work I would have nothing else left to try. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. I gamed again on December 21st, and decided that there was nothing left for me to do that I hadn't already tried, and none of it had worked. At that point I had moved back to my parents' house for financial reasons (I was broke, and had no job), and for the next two weeks I stayed off of games by reading fiction in excess of 16 hours a day. I made no phone calls and went to no meetings. Toward the end of those two weeks I could feel the gaming urges getting stronger, and realized that if I kept going as I was going, I was going to game again, and I badly wanted to not game. I sent my sponsor a text, and he just replied with "call". I called, and started going to meetings and making phone calls again. It hadn't stopped me last time, but it had been more effective than what I'd just been trying, and I knew it.

I started going through a much more thorough Step 1, and began to discover the depths of my self-hatred and the way that pride and self-hatred fed into each other in my life. I got hired by a moving company back in the Detroit area, moved back, and although they decided to let me go (for not being strong enough) after my second day, didn't bother telling me until I went to pick up my first paycheck. I moved back to my parents' a second time, and I was rather discouraged to say the least. I kept working on Step 1, and soon after was hired for a full-time position at the company I work at today. The job was (and is) totally mindless about 99% of the time, but it was back in the Detroit area, would pay enough to pay my bills, and I didn't really want to think anyway.

I commuted in from my parents' house for the first week (~1.5 hour drive one way) just to make sure that yes, I could do this, and didn't have to worry about another embarrassing hire/ fire scenario like I'd had last time. After that weeks was up, I moved back to Detroit, and a week later had my first big breakthrough in recovery. The short version is that God took my self-hatred away from me, and for the first time in my life, I was okay with being exactly who I was. It was epic. Life didn't hurt in the near constant way it always had in the past. Staying sober took work, yes, but I no longer had times where I had to deal with both an unbearably strong urge and a suddenly non-existent desire to stay sober. I began to accumulate some sobriety that didn't feel like the white-knuckle variety, and happiness once again became something that I experienced on a regular basis. The "pink cloud" didn't last forever, and I've had to face some pretty significant challenges (some of which are still with me) since then. Thankfully, I've been able to face them all sober. As I type this, I'm less than 48 hours shy of 18 months game free, with my other sobriety counter only six weeks behind my gaming count. Life is often hard, but I rarely find myself dealing with the kind of regret and shame that used to dominate my life during my active addiction. It's pretty much amazing, and I have to stop and remind myself of this fact from time to time, because I'm such an addict that I can very easily forget what it was like when I was gaming my brains out at every available opportunity.

I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to be sober today. I'm grateful for how working this program has helped my relationship with my Higher Power (Jesus), and I'm grateful for the fellowship of recovering addicts that helps me both stay sober and remember my HP and how much I need Him. Thanks to all of you for being here. I very much doubt that I'd be sober today if you all weren't here helping me.

The Tip of the Iceberg My journey is that I became addicted while playing a MMORPG, slowly and surely. In recovery we speak of the addiction as being "cunning, baffling and powerful" and the loss I experienced through my game-addiction, in the end, was tremendous. The gifts I have received in my recovery are incalculable.

I am one of those that says "thank you" for my game-addiction. But this was not till much later, after I stopped and then sought support amongst other game-addicts.

So, I started playing my game-of-choice/addiction with a friend from work. He lent me his second account. He had bought it off someone else online, which I didn't know at the time. I got into playing World of Warcraft. I really loved it. It was SO much fun -at the time. I started off with my favourite class, a druid. I also, in time, got to like loner stuff as well, like fishing in- game. Sometimes, after work, I would "fish" even for an hour or two, while I watched TV or chatted with a friend. I just would click at the right time and "voila": fish. Then, as I progressed, I got into playing PvP. I made a character and in those days I was just amazing. I had a lot of fun! At that time, I was living with two brothers; both of which started playing with me. They would prefer other stuff but it was ok. We had fun. I had a desktop set up and they had laptops. They would come into my room and we'd have hours and hours of fun. It all seemed fine. I was only playing one, maybe two hours a day. I only had the one character and it was fun enough.

Then one day >>baam<< the account I was borrowing off my friend got hacked. I talked to my mate he told me about his having bought it and that there was no way of getting it back now. I was SO angry! He had just cost me my character; I felt a genuine feeling of loss and I was furious about ALL the many hours I had put into the game. Little did I know, at this time, that this was the very tip of an ever-growing tremendous iceberg.

So, I bought my own account, and re-started playing. I even chose a German server; my reasoning being that if played on a German server it would be good for me because I would get to practice one of the languages I studied for my degree. I really thought I would be doing something good for myself and that it would be enjoyable. It still was, but it began very quickly to get out of hand. This is when my game-addiction began to take hold, slowly. So, I decided I needed another character, and another, and another. I still enjoyed my old character the most, so I needed very high level characters to level out my lower ones. I became "creative" lol and would ask one of my flat-mates to log into a group with me and do dungeons "together" with my high-level character and would do runs over and over in hope of getting rare drops.

Then I started slowly but surely arranging my life more and more to suit my gaming. I began booking holidays for when the patches and new content came out. I would stay home and pretend to be ill and game. I began playing in the mornings. I began playing first thing when I was home from work. It began to be compulsive and obsessive. Things like saying "Hi" to my flat-mates and my cat (bless him) would feel like a nuisance because it was deterring me from me pressing the on-button on my PC. I began kitting my PC so that it would run smoother, faster. I would be writhing inside the days we had problems with our internet provider. Those days, jeepers, I was not a "happy bunny". I always had a temper, since I was a boy, and my nick-name my family gave me was "fire dragon", and believe you me, the days the internet was messing around, cutting out or totally off, were bad days for me and all those around me. Even if I did not overtly say so, my attitude was stinking and my mood was foul.

I began making some friends on-line, but found it difficult because they spoke German. I was in groups and guilds. I can't say I felt connected to them, very rarely. I just used them and them me. I was a joint venture. However, I did make a friend and through my years of playing and now my years game-free I remain friends with ONE friend. He respects the fact that I do not want to game anymore and is ok with that.

At work it was difficult to concentrate. The job was rather repetitive and drab in many ways, so I used every spare instant I got to go through search-engines, wikis, and message boards and would work out what I was going to do that night in the game, or in the days ahead or if it took longer, over the weekend, or a month even. I began making Excel spreadsheets to keep track of the items and recipes I had collected and the ones I was missing. OH that character defect... PERFECTIONISM! That was one of my pit-falls with my game-addiction and it fuelled my wont to game game game more and more. I spend enormous amount of hours collecting recipes and ingredients to make bespoke items. I didn't often even use them for anything; I just found it "fun". This drive towards completism got out to hand. There was one in-game profession which required daily tasks and I could not be bothered waiting for six months to get all my recipes; so, I started three characters, levelled them up and would split my recipes into tanking, damage and healing (loosely) and had of course my trusty Excel sheet to tick off all the ones I had.

At some point between this, and my later playing, I met my partner. We began dating and I enjoyed the on-set of our love and the beginning of my relationship with him. Then, after a while, the whole thing started getting to time-consuming. ...the relationship; not the game! So I would work my relationship around my gaming. It was "ok" in the sense that my partner enjoyed playing XBOX or reading or watching TV so he would quite happily entertain himself while I was getting my game fix; or my game gorging, as it was by then.

I knew at this point, that my gaming had gotten over-the-top, but I genuinely thought I felt happy. I had my game, and love. I began thinking odd thoughts at this point... like: why don't I quit my job and just play? how can I achieve this? maybe I can become disabled and do it? or work part-time? I began withdrawing from family and friends more and more, so I would not have to invest time in them. Otherwise, I would get invited to birthdays, outings, the cinema, etc. I was not about to sacrifice my game time for that. I much more enjoyed my game time than spending time with any of them. It was the truth. I did enjoy time with them, but when I put it on the balance and asked myself "what would I rather be doing?" ... the answer was instant: game! At the depths of this growing self-centredness and selfishness I even resented friends being sick, because it would draw me away from the game. But, still, I could not see how destructive my game-addiction had become. I still had more "yets" to come.

So, I got my character to "high places" but my completist/perfectionist side and a whole bunch of other character defects came along to have a party at this time.

Also, round about this time, I moved in with my partner. I set up my gaming station in our bedroom, which soon became my game-den and mine and his sleeping quarters. I began hating the sun-light because it caused glare and it was uncomfortable. I got black-out blinds put them up and "voila", darkness. Other habits I developed at this time were avoidance tactics. If my partner had a problem, I would not think "What's going on; how can I help sort this out; why is he in pain?"; no, I thought "How can I get him to be happy enough to in the quickest amount of time with the least amount of effort so that I can get back to my game?". Same with things like going out for a date-night-out (ughhhh, what a bore – I would think), or even going for milk or bread, or cat food. My addiction was totally out of control by this time - but I couldn't quite see it, yet. I was still in the thick of it. I just thought "Why can't all these people just frick off and let me play?!".

So... I had the great idea of ... buying a second account; another PC and to have a multi-box set up. By this time my health had deteriorated badly. I do have a physical condition which at the time was bad, but it got worse and worse. I would get ill. Then, instead of going back to work the next day, I would take a whole week off and play for the other four days. I felt I was owed the time back! I thought, well they don't pay me my sick-days, so what the hell. I would budget in the loss of wages. Put on my alarm to call in sick the next day and, as soon as that call was made, I was gaming away. Needless to say, that this over a period of around 18 months had a very bad effect on my work, my finances and my life in general. I changed jobs, which was a "choice" but it was my being sacked that pointed me in that direction. So, I decided it would be a good idea to start working for a... wait for it... MMORPG gaming company. I was in the accounts and billing team and helped out as game-master with my various languages. It was a nice job, but I wasn't focused on the job. Sure, in the first six months while I was on probation, but not after that. Then I started missing work, again. This affected me physically. I became very anxious and stressed, which would make me ill; and so on... the snowball started rolling faster and faster. I also developed agoraphobia, which till this day can be a problem for me. At its peak I could not leave my room, at best I would go to the rest of the house, or the shop for milk. It was awful. I just wanted to live in my cave and play my game - that was all. Or, so I kept thinking and telling myself.

STILL... I did not see it.

So, by now I had TWO gaming PCs and felt the bee's knees! ... I learnt about macros, about add-ons, modified addons. ...at some point in this I decided to check how many hours play I had on record - it came to over 3500 hours... and that was not even half way through my story. I never checked again! The number of hours was a clear-as-day punch in the face. I realised the excessiveness of my gaming then, but couldn't face it; I couldn't stop!! I did not want to, either. ...by this time, the days where I couldn't play due to work, my partner or other commitments, I was in a foul mood and I got emotional withdrawals. Then, well, I started to interfere with my ex's sleeping. I would get up at 06:00 and play for a couple hours before going work. I would go to work (mostly) and come back and play. I'd play almost the entire weekend. I would choose to cook or wash up depending on what would take the least amount of time. ...This went on for some time. I started getting physical symptoms too, aches and pains in my arms, back, neck and face, shooting pains and terrible headaches. The days I decided to stay home because I was genuinely ill or because I could not be bothered, I would generally play. Then, about half-hour before my partner was due back I would go back to bed. I would spend some time with him, and play the victim. Then, I would be playing in the evening after our meal before bed. ...this went on for a while! Still, it wasn't enough. I played so often, I lost the side of my leg near my knee cap because I used to cross my legs and stretch my legs out when playing and it slowly pulled out my hair. I got lots more headaches, but it didn't stop me. I had put on FOUR stone! (about 28 kg) ... I changed my diet, took pain- killers, had little breaks, went for fresh air, etc, etc, etc. Lost a job: same story; got another. And, all of this, to keep playing. I started having some big problems in my relationship, which were in part nothing to do with gaming, but the game-playing "softened it" for me mostly. The only thing was that by this time I did not have the mental nor emotional togetherness to work on the relationship. All I had was a bunch of quick-fix plasters (band-aids) to try and stop a gushing wound. In the end my partner decided to break up with me. He had had it. He was a game-widower. I begged, pleaded but I had already used up all my cunning and he was smart puppy. So there was no fixing it.

I had to leave my home. I did this in a month's time. When this happened I took the bedroom (my den) and he took the living-room. It was an awful time, but I was happy that I got the bedroom, because I could have my PCs. I could play if I wanted to. Something, during that month, broke in me. I don't know what it was, but it was so painful that I could not ignore it. The gaming stopped working. I tried playing, yes, but I would still feel the emotional pain. I could not escape anymore. I used my scant savings from the month and moved out.

I moved to a new place as a lodger. The landlord was a bit nutty but seemed ok enough... or so I thought. I played a lot less then. I thought "No, this can't be. I will get that feeling of escape again; I just need to relax and get back into the game; I need to re-prioritise my life, get things into balance again."... I still played daily, mostly, but for an hour or so. Mostly I would do daily tasks and that was it. It felt like a chore. It was no fun. Then, that intense feeling of playing my game of choice/addiction again and again, began fading. I felt alone. I was alone. I still hadn't faced it though. About two months after moving, I lost my job; they gave me one week's notice. My landlord, who had a serious mental illness (as I found out) decided to stop taking his medication and went a-wall. I lost my home a second time, all in one weekend. I had to call the police as he was holding me hostage. The police arrived and helped me; I took myself, my cat and a bag of clothes, and went. This was not related to my gaming. BUT it helped. It really brought me to my knees, to a point of desperation where I knew I needed help - anyone's. I did not know about CGAA then. I sought it in another 12- step programme at the time of which I have been a member for a number of years; and I found the help. No partner, no money, no home. I had food and a roof thanks to the charity of my others who try to practise principles in all their affairs - and I am forever grateful to them!

I couldn't game. Logistically, it was too difficult; my PCs were in storage. I felt broken and had one big old tuna to fry! In the other fellowship, for years, I had been “stuck”, putting off doing my Steps 6 and 7. BUT this was a wonderful cross-road for me because, I tell you, by now, I was ready, entirely ready.

I had about two months game-free. I did play again after that: a free-to-play account. I did this once I was in a safe place; my mother's spare bedroom. I stopped quite quickly after though. I noticed my game-addict head was waking up again, saying things like "A free-to-play account is a great idea; you can play for free, get lots of new characters, level them up, then you can refer yourself to re-activate your other accounts and get some bonus in-game items, and then you can have THREE accounts - just imagine...!" I quickly shut that thought down.

I got a glimpse at my non-living. I non-lived for five years and I did not want that anymore, not again. I decided to close my accounts down and delete the game files from my computers. It took a LOT of courage for me to do that. There was a part of me that day which was screaming "Noooooooo!". After that, I had on and off feelings of sadness or anger that felt at the time utterly over-whelming. They came randomly in the following hours, days and weeks. BUT it got easier! I applied the steps to my thinking, my feeling and my actions: especially STEP ONE. I heard it said many times it's the only step we can do 100% and only One Day At A Time! So, I gave it a go.

"We admitted that we were powerless over gaming addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable."

At some point in that period of despair and rage, I said to my Higher Power, which incidentally is non-religious: “please help me with this”. I was on my knees, at last. I then asked "please keep me game-free for today". That was all. It was as simple and as difficult as that. Now, saying this is a regular part of my life, and it feels good. I am grateful for a loving HP that has taken care of me. I have learnt to love myself enough not to damage myself anymore - and, when I feel a slip coming, I can see it a mile off normally. I still get WoW dreams and fanciful moments when driving or watching TV, or any time really. Sometimes I wonder what my characters looked like even. BUT I know that, when the trigger-thoughts begin, and my head wants to paint it all cosy and rosy, it is then that I need to stop and use the 12-step programme, the slogans, the serenity prayer, speak to my sponsor or a fellow game-addict. I also have to use the slogan THINK, or “remember, remember, remember”... the pain, the loss of time, the loss of friendship, of my relationship, my jobs, my health, and for the time I was gaming, my life. The insanity, indeed! - lest I forget. There is fanciful part of me that probably will always hold dearly the memories of my gaming, and that is ok; but the part that recognises life, health, living, love, true-adventure, socialising, friendship, progress and a want to live a happy life, at peace in my own skin... is the part I prefer today!!

I stopped playing on my own, not knowing that there were others who have been, and are going through a similar hell. But, one day I checked out online whether there was a 12-step programme for game-addicts, and I found it. I am so grateful for CGAA because I have met some amazing fellow game-addicts and friends too. I know I cannot do this alone, not in the long run for sure, and I am grateful for the existence of CGAA, and especially for the newcomers. There is hope.

So... today, I am around two and a half years game-free! ...and it feels very very good. I am generally grateful for my life now. I like living it. I enjoy practising the 12-step programme to the best of my ability - but I now know I'm not perfect and that that's OK. I can be happy to be me, just for today.

I am happy that I am a game-addict, now, because I came across this wonderful fellowship. Whenever I feel my game-addiction waking up to say "hello", I know where to come. I keep coming back. I know that there is a way "out", or in, depending on how I see it. I know that my life is incomparably better now to what it was like before. I can even say "thank you" to my Higher Power for the difficult times, the trials and the loss I went through, because, through it, I received many many gifts. Some are that I no longer have a dreadful fear of financial insecurity, of being alone, of becoming homeless, of not having food... and, one of the most amazing gifts I received was that I lost the "hole in the soul" - I do not have that old overwhelming feeling of wanting to just escape from everything and everyone. These are but a few of my gifts. Now, some of my best days are what I would call beforehand my worst days... thanks to my fellows and friends in recovery. I can share with them; I can listen to their experience, strength and hope. I can go to a meeting. I can speak with my sponsor. I can read 12-Step literature. This all refills my spiritual batteries, and I know deep down everything is going to be ok. It’s simple, all I need to do is: stay game-free just for TODAY.

Thank you CGAA.

Starting Over Again I am the son of a son of a preacher. I was also the seventh child born in a family of seven. Four of my siblings didn’t live past their first month of life. I was born with a deviated septum, and had three operations to correct it before the age of two. It opened up again when I was eleven. I have two older brothers, Bob, eleven years older and Bill, fourteen years older, so by the time I was ten I was living as an only child. Bob was a gifted basketball player and went on after college to play in the ABA for the Houston Mavericks. Bill had few ambitions and ended up working in the travel industry.

I began my drug use at age 14 and began drinking beer at 17. It was sporadic use, nothing like daily use. I was a talented artist. I was accepted to an art school in Chicago in the tenth grade. I also sang bass in the school chorale ensemble. Myfather didn’t want me to go to art school in downtown Chicago, so I made a deal with him. If I were to attend a liberal arts college on a campus, for one year, he would pay for art school. That one year was one of my favorite times of my life. But I still managed to head off to art school. During my college years my drug and alcohol use began to grow into a daily use. I only spent one year in art school, even though I had been offered a full tuition scholarship. I enrolled at West Virginia University, where I stayed till receiving a BFA, in 1978. It was while at WVU, that I saw my first video game console.

After a few stumbles in my art career, I moved my life to Southwest Florida, to be near my Brother Bob, who had built a thriving marine construction business, having broken his back playing professional basketball. One of those stumbles was being a T-shirt artist for a motorcycle accessories company. There, I met my future wife, Doris. After moving from job to job in Florida, I had the chance to once again become a T-shirt artist, and that is when I heard from Doris, who wanted to visit. Long story short we were married inside four months. We lived an idealic life, drinking cases of beer every day and smoking pot. On a trip to her parents I had a terrific vision, which prompted me to enroll in Seminary. So we moved to Atlanta & I began my theological studies. Long story short, I learned to play Frisbee golf, drink hard liquor and flunked out my first year. But all was not lost. Doris had begun work for the health department and got me a job managing a group home for developmentally disabled adult men. Four years later I lost my job so we moved back to Florida. I began to work for my brother Bob, who liked to be called Ben now. Bill had also moved to Florida, and was working in real estate.

During this time Doris was working as a manager for a crafts store. In case you were wondering we never had any children together, but we were raising her son from a previous marriage. She dies in 1998 from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. That took my drug & alcohol use to a new level. My addiction took over my life. Nothing mattered except that next drug or drink. In 1999 I sought recovery with a geographical change. I moved in with my brother Bill in St Petersburg and began my journey in NA.

After four months of clean time, I was living with my sponsor and his adult son, Aaron. Aaron kept talking about some character and I soon saw what he was referring to. It was a game on a computer. I asked Aaron if I could play for a little while and soon he couldn’t get me off it! Around this time I met my second wife Diane on an online dating site and once when she came over to visit me, (I was playing the game) She sat on the bed beside the desktop computer and said “Hello.” I responded, “Hey Diane,” but when I turned around to see her, she wasn’t there. Aaron said, “She left a couple hours ago. You’ve been playing that game”.

Fifteen years later and I’m still playing that same game. Sure, I’ve had bouts with long-term recovery, but I always reinstalled or made new accounts and relapsed. I found the fellowship seven years ago and became one of the first online meeting leaders. At first it was me and another guy leading meetings, but now there are two meetings a day. I always tell newcomers in NA that service to the still-suffering addict is what keeps me clean, but in truth it’s much more than that. Honest communication within the Fellowship is very important. And another thing I always tell the newcomer to recovery: “Meeting-makers make it.” I’m starting over, again, after a recent relapse, but I’m done this time for sure. I finally hit my personal bottom. If there's anything I've learned it's what we can do together that which I could never do alone. And that includes the steps, which I'm working both with a sponsor & a sponcee. Thanks for letting me share.

Something Needed to Change I started gaming at five years old. That's not to say I had never played a videogame before then, it is simply a statement that at five years old I truly began to love games. It was a very stressful period of my life, my mom was in an extremely unhealthy relationship with an abusive spouse and was quickly losing her savings to him. I was caught up in the middle of this mess, yelled at by both and abused by the spouse.

We left within the same year and moved to my grandparents in Florida. Things continued to escalate, my mother was even more flustered, my grandparents were controlling, and I was lonely and afraid. The schools I attended were boring and unfriendly, I had an unreasonably difficult time befriending the other children finding them either obnoxious or intimidating. I am still not certain why. During this time I would avoid family by going on the internet and finding videogames to play, especially if I went to work with my mom. It would become common for me to busy myself by finding a spare computer and sitting through the work day playing games.

We quickly moved to an apartment complex located in bumble Maybrook or Millbrook. Not sure which. I became more and more aggressive: kids were hard to socialize with, my mom was always stressed, and I constantly felt patronized when I spoke with adults. I felt misunderstood and ostracized. It is interesting that, out of all the outlets I had available: playing, drawing, reading, writing, I found games the most attractive. Even when I wasn't playing I was attracted to games and would either watch people play or talk about it with others. It was obsessive behavior well before I even began playing obsessively.

After being bullied yet again by an older kid at the bus stop, listening to passive-aggressive racism and classism, and dealing with teachers that did not understand me, mom decided to move. We moved back, closer to my grandparents into a middle-class suburbanite school district. The first year was largely uneventful, I had a nice teacher, mom was working and the same difficulties with other kids were still there. I was still lonely and angry. It was at this point my gaming started to pick up, I was about eight at the time when home desktops started becoming really common. Whenever I had the opportunity to use the computer I would and would play different games on it. If I couldn't use it I would beg my mom to let me then throw a temper tantrum and storm into my room if she said no.

It was my third year that things become interesting. I had an awful 3rd grade teacher who was getting ready to retire, unfortunately for us both we could not stand each other. She subscribed to the notion that constant discipline for all infractions would make a child obedient. I decided I would draw. This made for the beginning of a long cycle of arguments, fights, screaming, and general misery throughout my public school experience. My mom tried hard to work with both sides - and although I say this with bias - the school district resented us both. I looked for ways to avoid any and all contact with people and played videogames whenever I could. It wasn't uncommon for me to try to sneak onto the computer at night to play. (Which is hilarious considering the noises computers used to make in those days when they were turned on) I fought kids, cursed them and taunted them, and generally defied every correction enforced on me. It was in middle school that I first began to think I might have a problem. I went to a friend's house to play videogame and had access for to a Livebandwidth for the first time. I stayed up till three in the morning playing. During that time I looked over to my friend who had passed out next to me - the lights and tv still on - and wondered whether this was normal. Something just didn't feel right about me staying up and playing while the guy who had invited me over, the one who owned the game had gone to sleep. Somehow my brain justified it as my 'strength as a gamer' and that this was normal. "He must not be as dedicated as me." I thought.

This concept would haunt me later in life.

Throughout middle school and highschool more of the same occurred: fights, arguments (both at home and in school) failing grades, loneliness and gaming. Lots of gaming. It was at this point that I started keeping a game boy with me and playing it every chance I got, then playing on the computer when I got home. I knew I needed to stop, or at least that something needed to change but I didn't see quitting as an option. Given later information quitting wasn't an option at the time.

I started seriously considering quitting - and even attempted on a few occasions - near the end of highschool. I had made sincere promises for several years to stop gaming long enough to get my grades on track, but failed terribly. I even began cutting school because of the opportunity to game more. It was at this point that my gaming was easily 12 to 13 hours a day. I remember many times that I would play until 1 or 3am then get back up at 8am and start playing again. My mom and I were regularly screaming at one another because I was angry that she kept hiding the modem/the ethernet cable, and she was fearing for my safety.

We both knew there was a problem but I had no means to stop it, until my mom brought up the idea of a therapeutic boarding school. At the time I agreed simply to get away from my current school district. I HATED my school district. So any possibility of getting away from it was a positive to me. When the idea that I might have a way of stopping the gaming was presented to me I grudgingly gave it a try. I had come to admit that gaming was a problem, but not that it was unmanageable.

I spent the next two years of my life with this school, living, eating, sleeping, and working alongside other addicts like me. Most of them were hard drug users, sex addicts or had severe emotional and/or chemical disturbances. None identified as game addicts which I found incredibly frustrating. I went back into old behaviors soon after arriving and tired very hard to lay low by cooperating with most of the rules and just 'getting by' on my school work. It didn't work well: the school was run by addicts, thus they were familiar with my methods because they had tried them in their time. I was constantly brought up at table topics for being unfriendly, aggressive, argumentative, and not changing over the course of the years. I spent about six months in the corner for this during the beginning of my stay.

Even when I had the opportunity to go to college and live in a 'college dorm' I was still incapable of being friendly. It was forced and artificial. I was always full of anxiety. I argued with my roommates constantly and was near incapable of maintaining anything like a coherent sleeping schedule. (I still have trouble with that)

It was during this time that I became my most desperate. I had knowledge of both worlds at this point: what I had read in the AA Big Book and had been told by those in recovery around me, and what I had experienced in active addiction and the misery that had infected my life. I was desperate to believe that there was a way out of this cycle, that I didn't have to stay up till 3 in the morning on the computer walking in circles across the net trying to avoid playing but slowly getting closer to it. That I could be a kind and easy going person so long as I worked on myself, and most important of all: that I could be happy.

I did not get sober in those dorms, however the process of beginning my work on myself definitely started near the end of my stay. I contacted my current sponsor after ignoring him for several months and asked him if he would work with me. I am extremely grateful that he accepted. I began the process of coming to terms with my powerlessness: accepting that my life was unmanageable, slowly coming to believe that if I gave my will and my life over to a greater power of my understanding I would get sober. And laying my hidden fears and guilts out on paper then revealing the exact nature of them to another human being and my higher power.

I felt a change half way through at this point, when I really in truly connected with my Higher Power. It was simply a decrease in stress and fear which did wonders to improving my attitude and behavior, particularly around my family. I even got a job during this time. But the REAL doozy was when I completed my amends. I felt such a massive feeling of relief, yet that word is insufficient to describe the sense of clarity and relaxation I felt when my stress finally disappeared.

I am well aware how that may sound to people who have not experienced what I have experienced, and the very nature of the experience makes it nearly impossible to effectively describe it. But that is how I felt: free. It was the feeling of living a life without the perpetual craving to satisfy my addiction, the itch was gone and the stress that accompanied it because I finally trusted in my higherpower and followed the steps of recovery necessary to clear the blockage separating me from it. Shattered Delusions Hey guys and gals, I'm a gaming addict. I've been through quite the experience in the last 6 months of my life and since I found both this website and fellowship, I feel kind of drawn to post my story, or at least part of it. I'm not a fantastic storyteller, so bear with me but if you feel like reading, either to see hope that there is life past gaming and being plugged in, or if you're already a recovering member who would love some support, this is for you.

I was born and raised in northern Alberta, Canada. I'm 22, married with a beautiful wife, a son, and I've just recently gotten out of a four month rehab facility stay in Nanaimo BC, for an gaming addiction, among other things. The primary part of my story however, is gaming. I started gaming at 9, on a gameboy colour with a pokemon red or blue. I started lying, and sneaking time spent on screen gaming at age 11, and i'm fairly positive that's when I became an addict. The draw to be online, plugged in, and escape reality completely has turned into what destroys me very quickly. I grew up with gaming. My mother (bless her soul, she's also in recovery of her own) tried limiting, structuring, and restricting my use and my brothers from a young age. For reasons I didn't understand at the time, the thought of actually listening to those guidelines never came into the equation. My answer to her regulations was how can I get around this without getting caught. Classic addict thinking.

There's so much to my life I want to say, to touch on, and to weave some complex epic about the entirety of my journey, but that's entirely unfeasible and hopeless. I'll simply highlight my experience and if anyone has questions for me, or would like to get into contact with me, I think that can all be done on this forum. Anyhow. Back to my story.

I gamed more progressively throughout high school, with failed relationships and a party life style highlighting the rest of what I did. By the time I got to grade 12, I'd been to four high schools, done worse academically at each one, and eventually failed grade 12 and walked away without a diploma or graduating. I didn't understand at the time how any of this had to do with my gaming, I assumed it was just what I enjoyed doing, all I enjoyed doing. For some reason it made total sense to me to fail high school and go to work in a shop job or on my family's farm instead of complete the minimum education required for any decent college or job. I never assumed that I was addicted to it. I mean, how could I be, it's not drinking, drugs, or gambling or something. It's just a game. Just fun. Right. Well, it escalated for me from there over the years.

As I went through life, my use increased exponentially. As failed relationships piled up, I retreated into drinking, partying, sex, and of course, gaming when I was alone and my party crowd couldn't see me. I was secretly ashamed of my use, and used it as my perfect retreat from reality when I was just "done". This same escape, ironically, also applies to me with anything fantasy related, whether it's a book or a movie, I get drawn in the same way and have had to largely cut it all out of my life. More's the pity, I reeeeeeally wanted to read the last book in the kingkiller chronicles. (forgive me tangenting. I'm new to this) When I was 20, my old flame came back into my life. THE girl. The one I'd been with off and on for years, through junior high and high school. She, in her own story, had a son of her own at this point, who I met and promptly fell in love with. He now calls me dad, and is the source of huge amounts of joy in my life. Anyway. In the desperate state I'd got to by this point in my mind, rather depressed as I'd been through a very traumatic relationship with a girl who I hurt very badly, I was gaming more. I had fallen in love with the app that eventually brought my family to attention and me into treatment. I loved it. It was the perfect online reality where I could be great, have people look up to me, win, and be liked and admired. Of course, all I had to do was add money. Which I did. When I was single and working in the oilpatch, this wasn't an issue. There was tons of opportunity for money, and I poured all of mine into it. But when I settled down with my wife and her son, now mine, money got tighter, and my stress level jacked up. Of course the thought of quitting never crossed my mind, that's the nature of the disease I have. I needed it more than life. I literally checked it first thing in the morning, and stayed up obscenely late to make sure everything in my online event was progressing perfectly. I lived and breathed the game. And I was good. Top 10 in the world for a time. I'm rather ashamed of that now.

I couldn't maintain my highs and win the way I wanted to without increasing my spending the same. So I started to steal. Small at first, and then huge from my family and my parents in the end, which i'm really ashamed to say. By the time my family caught on and caught me, I had spent almost $20,000. My wife found out I’d been lying to her about trying to find a job, having played hookie from life for a week, and started getting curious with my mother in recovery. Together they discovered the missing money, the time spent, and where it had gone. And they organized my intervention.

I was lucky enough to have them intervene for me, as I really had my head very far up my ass. I went to what I was told was my mothers "birthday breakfast" (seriously, such a bad excuse. I can't believe I fell for that) on march 30th. My whole family, friends, and in-laws were there and I was offered an option of two months of treatment in Edgewood, which is on Vancouver island, in Nanaimo. I said yes, to please them at the time, though for some reason assumed I didn't have a problem even at that point. Over the next 2 months I had my delusion shattered, my eyes opened, and a ton of guilt and shame dealt with. At the end of my two months there, I was recommended to stay on for extended treatment, which I fought to the bitter end and then accepted. In total, I stayed there for four months, where I began my own recovery journey. There is so much I could say about the program and place and my experiences there, but that's a whole nother thing.

At present day, I have returned home to my family. I am part time living with my parents and with my wife and son. I am active in the local AA and other 12 step fellowships. Im a few days shy of six months of clean time and I am much happier than I have ever been. Life is hard sober, and clean, but better. I'm currently working on my step 9, doing my amends which I have dreaded since the beginning. And right now I want to reach out to others. To anyone struggling with knowing if they have a problem, or don't know where to get help, or feel isolated and alone, you're not. I know what it's like to be there. Alone, assuming no one loves, or even likes you because of the damage you've done, or because you think you're just a shitty human being. You're not. You're loved. I may not know you, but I love you for the bare fact that you're reading my story, and curious about what's out there.

So I hope someone somewhere gets something from my experience strength and hope. I pray that you get off games, stay off them, and life can change for you because it has for me.

From Trouble to Recovery I’m a recovering computer/video gaming person. I don’t say “gamer,” as I am more than that. I’m a person who gamed addictively and is now in recovery.

I discovered computer gaming about 1995 when a beautiful, single-player, visually awesome game came out that 4 of us from work played together. The game was set up to solve complicated visual and audio puzzles, which opened up more of the story, and transported us to different unexplored areas. I loved it. We got together once a month for an in-house picnic, and then played for the rest of the afternoon.

At that time I enjoyed the game tremendously. I loved the computer graphics, the music, the visuals, and the ambience. I wasn’t addicted yet, being content to play once a month with my co-workers.

But then in 2002, I bought my first MMORPG, and that’s when gaming addiction hit me hard.

I had never heard of MMORPGs before. But it was suggested that multi-player games had been used successfully in the recovery and treatment from cancer, as a way of coping with the side effects of chemo. It got our “minds” off of the suffering. And since I had just completed a year of cancer treatment and chemo, I thought I’d try it out.

The game worked great and it did get my mind off treatment. However, the game not only got my mind off chemo, it also got my mind off of everything else: work, play, eating, relaxing, vacationing, kayaking, swimming, camping, hiking, playing piano or guitar, painting, drawing, cleaning house, gardening, and cooking, and anything else we used to do as a family. My family life died. All that I was concerned about was gaming.

And I thought it would be great fun for my two grandsons to do while visiting us for the summer. They would have something to do and not be bored while we were at work. They loved it, but so did I. And I remember wishing they’d go home earlier so I could have the game to myself. It was agony watching them play, and having to wait until they left for home so I could play myself.

That MMORPG led to another one, which became my 8-year-all-time addiction. I loved, ate, worked, slept, and slept [yes, slept] at this game. Nothing, NOTHING, in my life was allowed to interfere with that game.

At first my husband was happy I had something to do which made me happy. I loved my job but it was very stressful, and it was glorious coming home to play the game and forget about work.

And I fully intended to keep on working, playing, and interacting with family, and then game in any spare time. But somehow I didn’t want to do other things anymore. I didn’t want to take time off from my game.

Eventually I gamed at work. I played the “cancer” card. “Oh I am so injured, I need this game at work to keep on going.” And everyone bought that. Unfortunately, I gamed during breaks, lunch hour, before work and after work. And even during work. The techs set me up to play the game during work time “if I felt bad,” which somehow I did feel bad every chance I could get.

I even set up a routine to game with an Australian/New Zealand group, and to do that this was my schedule: go to bed at 9pm, wake up at 2am, play for 3 hours, go to bed again until 7am, get dressed and go to work. Work, play game, work, play game, work, play game, then rush home to play game (to get ready for the raids at 2am) then a quick dinner with husband--A little bit of TV to keep husband happy, and then early bed to get some sleep before the 2am raid.

That was my life for about six years.

And then real life started intruding on my game life, and husband began rebelling. Husband wasn’t happy and was getting very angry at me. He spied on me, made demands, acted entitled and generally didn’t support me at all, ever.

At work my boss got wise and called me into the office with the door closed. This happened twice. In fact, I decided that I’d had enough of that cranky boss and their stupid job; I’ll quit. So I quit. I retired early. And of course lost a lot of my well-earned benefits, because I wouldn’t stay employed another three years.

Now I can play full-time. And I did.

I’ve heard addiction described as: 1. Fun 2. Fun and trouble 3. Trouble

I was now in phase three. Gaming had been both fun and trouble for a long time and now it was sliding into nothing but trouble. I was home and not working and doing nothing but gaming. I let everything go: cleaning house, cooking, and gardening. I didn’t even take care of myself; ate fast foods, pizzas, sodas, nothing but junk. I didn’t get a lot of sleep, and when I did sleep, it was stressful and anxious.

Along about this time my husband was getting sick. He had liver disease and was slowly getting less able to do much. He needed more of my help, so I tried to help him, gaming continuously of course. But I could see that gaming needed to be controlled or modified.

So I tried to control and modify my gaming for the next 6 months; and was horribly unsuccessful. I couldn’t keep promises even to myself. I couldn’t stop gaming when I wanted to. I couldn’t limit my gaming, and I couldn’t make a firm decision to play X amount of hours. I couldn’t even decide to take a night off from gaming to watch a movie with my husband. Someone from the game would frantically call up and say “help! We need a tank or a healer!!!!” or whatever task I was currently doing. And then I would drop everything and run to the game. My husband was disgusted.

But I tried to control it; I really did.

I had been successful—through AA—to quit drinking, and stay stopped. I managed to quit smoking pot, AND quit cigarettes. So why can’t I control a game? Why? It’s just a friggen game! Something kids do, including this kid. We don’t give kids drugs do we? So this can’t be as bad as I think it is.

However, I was starting to notice aches and pain spikes in my arms, my wrists, fingers, and debilitating sharp pained headaches that would not go away. These headaches, usually on one side of the head, kept up all night when I was trying to sleep.

Somehow, I knew, that something had to be done, but I didn’t want to stop totally; I wanted to control gaming more and enjoy it more.

One night we were watching a re-run of a Dr. Phil Show which dealt with gaming addiction. It never occurred to either of us that my gaming was an addiction. So I Googled the website listed on the TV show and joined this fellowship. That was June 1st 2011. I went to my first meeting that night, and realized by listening to other people, that, yes, I am truly addicted to this game, and probably all games. I stopped playing that night, and have since stopped gaming, one day at a time; sometimes one minute at a time.

I went to the meetings every night, got a sponsor, and worked the 12 Steps of recovery for gaming addicts. I still didn’t believe I was an addict—not yet--but the more I listened to people’s shares, the more I was convinced that this was true of me, too. And the thing is, I only had to work a simple 12-step program one day at a time. What I can do for an hour, a morning, or a day was much easier to manage than “for the rest of my life.”

BUT!!!! The withdrawals! I didn’t expect withdrawals. AT ALL, EVER!!! I had never gone through withdrawals like this from drinking. I had a lot of discomfort from quitting smoking, but nothing this severe. This was incredible.

I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t rest. I mentally bounced off walls and couldn’t concentrate on anything beyond a half a minute or two. I couldn’t read, watch TV (for more than 15 minutes or less), and was so antsy that exercise and walking was about the only thing that calmed me down. And meetings helped.

I tried reading. But couldn’t concentrate on one book. I had 5 books lined up to read. I’d read a paragraph of that one, and two of the other one…etc. I finally bought an eBook so I could pack around a lot of books to read several, it was the only way I could stay focused.

Along about this time I was also experiencing hallucinations. I would “see” things from the game in my real environment, only to realize that it was stuff from the game. Plants and “herbs” I used to harvest in the game, were now showing up in other people’s yards. Sometimes driving home from shopping I’d almost veer the car over to grab a fake herb. I didn’t, but the desire to was intense.

At night I constantly dreamed of gaming. In several dreams, I had gone back to work at the college, and the entire department had created a guild in my game, and they wanted me to play with them. And in the dream I was not a person playing a character, I WAS the character. I would wake up in a panic, was it real? It took a minute to climb out of that dream and realize I hadn’t gone back to gaming.

After that month of extremely disturbed sleep (did I mention the headaches I’d have all night?) I suddenly wanted to sleep constantly.

Someone in the meetings mentioned that we all suffered from sleep deprivation toward the latter part of our gaming addiction; oh yes, that is absolutely correct. After that first month of twitching and jerking, all I wanted to do was sleep. And I did. I couldn’t stay awake for too long. I had never felt so exhausted in my life.

The dreams kept on, but not nightly, and I started calm down. I wasn’t as anxious and got much better sleep.

Another thing was my anger. During gaming, I got extremely angry. Game people and real life people. I was enraged if my husband even hinted at me gaming if I was at my computer emailing friends. I was extremely upset he didn’t trust me (well why would he?).

I still get a bit angry—rough around the edges—but not as often and not as intense as it was during gaming, and during the early days of recovery.

Gaming addiction really changed my brain. I know this, not just from scientific proof—which there is plenty of proof of this--but from my own observation of how I used to be and how I ended up to be, both physically and mentally.

Since anger was my major concern, I work on developing a stronger relationship with my higher power. I use prayer and meditations on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. I go to meetings, try to be of service. I use exercise (yoga and walking) and diet (I stopped eating sugar in any form) to help calm me down.

My doctor was thrilled that I am in recovery for gaming; he told me that a lot of his senior patients are now getting heavily into gaming and he wants to know more about it to try to assist them.

Gaming has no boundaries on age, ethnicity, education, or sex. It grabs us all.

No Need to be Perfect I am unable to control my addiction. In many ways it controls me. Even in recovery. Managing my behaviour in order to function like a normal person needs to be top priority. I cannot do this on my own. When I was a child I experienced many traumas; I was painfully shy and intensely bullied at school so I isolated and made patterns in everything. I played long incomprehensible made up games that went forever that had no final result; only a repetitive nature that I could control or destroy at my personal whim.

Computer games were not the problem, they were simply the easiest method I had at my disposal to manifest the patterns I had created in my head. They were repetitive, distracting, and full of light, colour, and sound. They could be aimless and purposeful at the same time. I could be strong and in control. They made me feel happy. In the real world I was insecure and clumsy. When things went wrong I didn’t know how to cope with problems except to act completely helpless; until someone else came along and out of pity or frustration cleaned up the mess I had made. Games were not the problem, they were my respite. I liked simple 2 dimensional platform games and flash games. They have a goal and no goal and can be played over and over and over and over again. It didn’t matter that I knew a level inside out and back to front. It didn’t matter that there were other levels still to finish. I didn’t want to finish ever. Whenever I did complete the last level of a game I would simply start over again. By 1996 I had already been fired from one job because I was gaming and not working. My boyfriend and I had moved to Queensland. He got work and started a business. I played games like Commander Keen, Duke Nukem or Red Alert. For months on end I didn’t look for a job even though we were struggling financially and trying to plan a wedding.

For about a year I worked on the family business and things were ok. We got married and then my gaming increased. I got a few jobs and in turn lost those jobs and couldn’t function normally in an organised manner. We lost the business. I couldn’t manage stress without having major anxiety attacks. I couldn’t keep a tidy house. We were evicted from our house due to non-payment of rent. I saw a psychologist, we saw a marriage counsellor but not much changed. I tried different medications and took up knitting. I talked about going to University, I talked about being a singer but I didn’t do either. By the end of 1999 my husband couldn’t take it anymore and we separated. We reconciled quickly though and moved back to Sydney and again for a while I was better. I’m actually quite skilled and always found it easy to get jobs when I actually made an effort so I decided that temp work was better than permanent work for me. I said that it was because I often got itchy feet and liked meeting new people. It was really because I could game at work and before anybody really knew how unproductive I was the assignment would be over or I would resign citing "personal reasons" which was code for I can't game much longer without getting caught. I gamed like this for a few years and then took a permanent job in recruitment which only lasted just over six months. I didn’t get fired for gaming, I quit before they caught me out saying that I was going to music school to become a singer. I did more temping and found a contract in a child care centre. I loved this job but couldn’t stay away from the games; the phones there got cut off because I hadn’t entered the phone bill into the accounts register and remained the bill remained unpaid. It was sitting on my desk in my in-tray under a large pile of other neglected bills. Again I quit before being fired.

I did more temping and then I had a baby. I loved motherhood; this was one of the best times of my life. I still gamed but I was moderately under control. I changed careers and became a childcare worker. Having a job with no computers available to me was a blessing and I kept this job for 15 months which was the first time I had held a job for more than a year. I was 34. By the end of 2005 I had failed the Early Childhood Certificate I had started. I had been given time off the floor at work to study but I spent it gaming. I knew there was no way I could pass so I resigned my job in order to get help. It was the first time I had acknowledged I had a problem, but I didn’t know what the problem was. The process of recognising my total dysfunction and accept that I was an addict took about another year or so. I visited around 10 different mental health professionals. They diagnosed me with various mental illnesses such as depression and generalised anxiety disorder. The one that frustrated me the most was OCD – Not Otherwise Specified. In other words; we don’t know what it is so we’ll call it something nonspecific and see what happens. The theory seemed to be treat the mental illness and the computer problems will go away in the end when I treated the addiction the mental health symptoms went away. Even professional psychiatrists and psychologists didn’t know what was wrong with me or how to fix it. Even in rehab I had to pretend to be an alcoholic before anybody could acknowledge that I could get help from them.

When I allow my addiction to take over I don’t function. I can’t maintain a tidy household, I can’t engage in my life or with my loved ones. I can’t hold a job. Even basic personal hygiene is out of my reach. I am unable to resist the temptation to play a game or surf the net once I start and no amount of gaming or surfing is enough. I am ashamed of the person I became. I want to be a good person, but when I admit to myself the truth of my addiction’s I can’t possibly imagine how I could think that about myself. I am so grateful to CGAA because this is where I have found hope that I can finally achieve a normal life. In the time that I was sober from games I finished my Early Childhood course and got qualified. I stayed in one job for six years before choosing to resign for better job and not because of gaming. I have found a new hobbies and have by some wonderful miracle remained married to my long suffering Husband. My step son said once that he couldn’t ever imagine me being a liar. There is so much I have to gain from being game free.

I want to claim this for myself, but I can’t do it alone. I’m grateful to my higher power and to the program because both say “come as you are”. There is no need to be perfect, I just need to have the desire to abstain from gaming.

In the last week or so – and especially today I have struggled with the gaming urge demons and I’ve determined to stay connected to recovery instead of backsliding. It seems a bit unbelievable to me that I can hand it over and be released from the craziness that my life was, but I’m trusting in the experience, strength and hope of other recovered addicts who say that my recovery is possible too.

My recovery journey has been long and lonely. I did recovery by myself for a long long long time. I do not recommend it. When I first found the fellowship in 2006 I relapsed and lost time on its forum so I stayed away from it for many years. I just didn’t trust myself with any kind of technology. I attended Gamblers Anonymous near where I lived and kind of held on for dear life, total white knuckle scenario. For a period of about 1 ½ years I did not touch a computer at all and did everything with pen and paper, or I did without. Eventually I even had to get rid of my mobile phone because of the games on them that could not be uninstalled. I relapsed many times playing Golf, Poker and Solitaire on my phone. Then I stopped going to meetings and didn't work recovery. I thought that I was sufficiently strong and could handle things just fine on my own. I started going to church again and arrogantly presumed that I didn't need to work on myself because I was on the team of the “Good Guys” now. God had my back so I could relax. Then I had another relapse after almost five years of sobriety. I felt so completely demoralised but I knew I had to work my recovery again with diligent effort so I found CGAA again, began going to meetings again and this time I found a sponsor to work the 12 Steps with me.

Today I am grateful for my sponsor who knows the good, the bad and the ugly and still reminds me of the spiritual nature of the program. I am grateful that CGAA has voice meetings which is a healthy way for me to connect with people even though it is not face to face. I am grateful that I am more self-aware now and can recognise triggers before they become busts. I am grateful for the friendships I have made with other recovering addicts that also became beaten by their addiction but have now begun to find peace. Thank you for helping me stay sober one more day.

Excuses… and Honesty I'm a computer gaming addict gratefully in recovery,

It all started when I was 7. One day I was playing with my LEGOs in my room and my brother burst in. He had tried to convince our father to get a computer, but he could not. So, he came to me. At first I saw no use for the computer, as my LEGOs and friends satisfied all my needs, but he talked to me. He told me there were all these fun games and you could do more fun things with computers and, besides, they were going to be more important in the future. At first I was reluctant to help him, but he kept on talking and eventually he convinced me to help him.

So, we went downstairs to the living room where our father was reading the newspaper in his chair. We proceeded to convince him that we needed a computer. We told him that computers would be the future and that we could learn a lot, if only we had a computer. We begged, begged some more and after about half an hour of that our father gave in and said he would get one.

The next day our father came home with a computer. WOW! We had a computer. It had cost him a lot and so we needed to be careful. The computer in question needed to be connected to the TV and I was pretty much clueless how to do that, but my brother knew how.

We proceeded to play a couple of games on the computer (my brother had copied some from someone else) and we took turns playing games. I still remember all those colors (a whopping eight of them) and the fun I had back then playing that first game. I wanted more, but we had to take turns.

At first everything was fine, but that same evening me and my brother got into a fight over the computer. So, our parents told us both to do something else and said that each of us would get some computer time every day.

My parents proceeded to send me out to play with my friends and they too would be hearing about my computer, but they were not interested. So, I did what all 7 year old kids did with their friends. However, I took every opportunity to sit at the computer. LEGOs and my friends started to become second to the computer.

My parents tried to keep me and my brother to our amounts of computer time, but we both managed to stretch it as time progressed. Eventually the computer got upgraded to a new one. While my brother always had invested in developing his coding skills, I invested in gaming skills.

School was in a far away city and as a result of that I spent an hour a day commuting and most of my life ended up being at school. Friends at home I ended up seeing not as frequent as would have been desired. Add to that the computer, and you have a recipe for disaster. Which ended up happening.

Things remained manageable and the troubles which were brewing in my life didn't really materialize as I had friends at school an friends at home... This all changed when we moved.

When I was 15 we moved to a different part of town and, as my parents had raised me protectively (due to my visual impairment, which was also the reason I went to school in Rotterdam), I was too insecure to make any new friends in the new neighborhood. During the summer vacation (6 weeks) I was alone with my family and computer, needless to say where I spent all my time.

Then came the hammer. When I was 16 I got to hear at school that I was no longer allowed to attend it, because my sight was too good. I had to go to a new school. This one nearby. It was a culture shock for me. On top of loosing all of my friends at school, I had to deal with a new situation and new rules.

I had nobody left, except my family... and my computer. At this point me and my brother both had our own computer in our own room and so I could spend endless amounts of time at my computer. My parents had to kick me to school. Homework I did a quickly as possible and my parents took all kinds of measures to make sure I did my homework.

At school I did get to know some people, but they were all computer related. Games were exchanged and from time to time there were people at my place, not for me but for me computer. Sometimes I was at their place, and I was there for their computer and the games they had.

Eventually, somehow, I managed to finish that school with some measure of success and had to select a higher level eduction. One that I did not like.

At this eduction I did nothing in regards of studying. I just was at home playing games. My parents tried to take measures to get me to learn. To no avail. I was either at school, or I was at home gaming. I failed this education.

I did not attempt to go to another education, I just lived on unemployment benefits. Three times a month I had to send off a job application letter as a condition to the unemployment benefits, so I sent some generic letters and eventually managed to get an endless stack of rejections. My brother tried to help me. He tried to learn me to program, and I picked it up quite well, but never got much going. He arranged some job opportunities for me, which I rejected out of hand because I was afraid of being inadequate. I kept on gaming, never really finished much of anything.

Then the hammer came down again. My parents decided I needed a job, so they started talking with the municipality and found a, not the, job for me. It turned out to be a nightmare. At that job I was treated like a retard. It was a job for the mentally disabled. I truly felt like a failure.

The next 12 years were somehow spent at that job. I would oversleep, sleep on the job, sleep during breaks, report in sick and not even show up on certain days. How I managed to keep that job is beyond me, but I did. Somehow I even managed to secure a learn/work arrangement at pay-rolling and got to work on that, it gave me a bit of self-worth, but fear of failure followed me and my insecurity on top of the not-learning proved to be my undoing. Within six months I was back at my shit job. Leaving a mess at the pay-rolling department.

For a while now I was being bullied at work, people were gossiping about me and trying to sabotage anything career like... and I got wind of this. So, I confronted the bully. Of course she did not know of anything and I exploded. The person ended up being hospitalized and I fired on the spot and prosecuted.

After about five years on the shit job, my parents suggested I move out and on my own. So I ended up doing that with help of the entire family. However, I neglected my house severely.

When I was fired I was living on my own for about ten years. Ten years of shit job and games. Friends slowly gave up on me and had been disappearing from my life. At this point, there was nothing anymore. I felt completely worthless. Everything I had tried in my life had failed. There was nothing. Family nearly completely gone, friends completely gone, house a mess, no significant other, no kids, no hobbies. Just me and my computer.

The games stopped working as a means to survive. Just me and my pain. This intense pain. I started wanting to be dead, to have an end to the pain. I made a noose and tried... and found I could not make the final step. Some more games. I proceeded to order a poison online... and when I received the handling instructions, a day before the stuff itself would arrive, my conscience started acting and I called the emergency number.

A police officer showed up, who thought I was in acute suicide danger, talked with me, and took me to the local hospital. There, I was told to stop whining. My father showed up and took me home, he was torn to pieces and I was overwhelmed with guilt. More games followed.

For a while now there were psychiatrists, psychologists, guides, therapists, social workers and the likes involved in my life and were trying to poke me to recover. Home, meant gaming though. My father took the noose to my psychiatrist one day and confronted him with it. Seeing my father to tears was a wake-up call for me.

While all of this was happening, I needed to eat. Irregularly I went to the local shop to get some food and one day I encountered a friend who I had lost. She had suffered from gaming addiction too and she informed me there is a solution and told me the location of a meeting.

Me, being desperate for a solution, went there and attended my first meeting. I just sat there and listened. What was being said I do not remember, but what I do remember is that I related. I also heard that the stories moved on from suffering to recovery. There is one thing which I remember vividly from that meeting. After the meeting this lady came up to me all smiles and little starts in here eyes... an honest smile. She said to me: "keep coming back." At that time I did not understand what she meant, but she had moved on before I had the opportunity to ask. I tried to keep up with her and asked her back what she meant. All she said was: "you will understand if you do."

So, remembering that smile I came back the next time and encountered a room full of people. For months I did not dare to share, for fear of being judged, being ridiculed, getting confronted with anger.

One day, before the meeting, I was approached by a fellow to which I looked up. He asked me why I didn't share during the meeting and told me he would like to hear from me. That gave me some courage to open my mouth and so I did.

That first time I opened my mouth, in a room with about thirty people in it, and said "Hi, I'm an addict" (was a different fellowship) I expected to be scolded, to be sent off, to be faced with anger. Nothing like that happened. The entire group just said hi and I started sharing my pain and suffering. They just listened. After the meeting I was approached by some fellows and thanked for my share. I remember asking, "What for? I just shared all my garbage!" To which various people replied the same "but I got something of value out of it."

At that time I was constantly relapsing, but I kept coming back. Remembering that smile.

It was suggested to me call someone. For a loooooong while I would take my phone when I thought I needed help and I would select a number... and not dial. My head was telling me all these things: "He doesn't want to hear from you", "He's busy", "He's eating", "He's sleeping", "He's working", "You've got nothing to say", "He'll just laugh at you", "He can't help you", and the list went on, and on, and on.

Until that one fateful day I resolved to stop listening to my head and hit the dial button. All the while my head was screaming in utter panic at me, that endless litany of excuses to not call, to hang up. And then the person on the other side picked up. I told who I was, stuttering out of fear and what I got to hear was a cheerful "Hey! How are you doing!" The resulting conversation lasted for more than two hours.

One day I was early at the meeting and it was cold outside, so I went to the meeting room. I found some fellows (8 or so) sitting and discussing something. I was welcomed and told they were holding a business meeting. And I was explained that a business meeting is about the business side of the meeting: service positions, finances, the format, the likes. Various service positions were handed out, and there was one open service position nobody took; greeter.

After a couple of moments of silence the GSR (Group Service Representative, the person who was chairing the business meeting) asked whether I was interested. Immediately my head started telling me that I most certainly cannot do that and I started feeling insecure and I resisted from my insecurity. They noticed and nudged me a bit: "sure you can," and encouraging remarks like that flew in my direction. I ended up saying "yes". The next while I was outside greeting and attending business meetings. I got to talk with others and share what I noticed. I started feeling of value.

Two months in the service, I had just come out of another relapse. And I was headed for the meeting and was mulling heading home again as I was late for service and the games would be "fun" (my head was telling me). I was about to walk home again, when my phone rang: "hey, we're missing you," a fellow said to me, "are you still coming?" That pulled me over the line. I had been thinking they didn't give a shit about me. This proved my head wrong. I took the bus and was welcomed back and all was fine.

A while later I was approached by the same fellow. He asked me when I would get a sponsor. The next meeting I got a sponsor. However, I called him rarely and when I did it was to complain and moan. I did not do step work. After a couple of months this person approached me and let me go.

My second sponsor shoved the basic text down my throat and started telling me what to do. It was all really simple. Read a bit, answer a billion questions and pick up the phone. Apparently he ended up wanting to put as much distance between me and him as humanly possible as he ended up disappearing to the South pole. He wanted to do some activist things and suggested I find a temporary sponsor.

The next sponsor took me all the way to step eleven. I was free of games for about a year and a half and then I relapsed, big time. Why?

I had not yet accepted myself yet, I had not yet surrendered completely and utterly. I had not let go completely. I was doing it on willpower.

A period of constant relapsing followed and then I encountered CGAA and made an account. However, it took me a while to make my first post. After that it took me a while to enter my first meeting. After that, it took me a little while to become free of games and find my first sponsor here.

Since starting working on the steps again, but this time in full honesty, I have become happy, joyous and free. Real friends started showing up in my life. I currently do my contribution to society and it feels good.

Since July 11th, 2015 I'm gratefully free of computer games. However, I will have to remember that all it takes for me to relapse is to start just starting that first game.

So, how have I attempted to control my gaming?

• I tried to give away administrator rights to my computer... there are workarounds possible. • I tried to give away my computer... within a week it was back home. • I tried to have others move me away from the computer... and with the first opportunity I would materialize at my computer. • I tried Linux... games are available even on that OS. • I tried just playing website games... did you know there is a staggering amount of them? • I tried installing a program which would automatically turn off my computer... I just turned that program off. • I tried going to other places... computers are everywhere, and so are the website games. • I tried making appointments with others... doors can be amazing barriers to keep others out. • I have tried gaming only before going to bed... going to bed can be put off a long time. • I have tried gaming after everything else needing my attention is done... my to-do list would shorten very quickly. • I have tried gaming only before heading to work... work all of a sudden has a remarkably low priority. The list goes on and on. I have tried everything in order to control my gaming. I have failed, utterly. So, it's simple. I cannot control my gaming. So I cannot afford to start that first game. It's that simple.

What have the results been of my gaming?

• I lost education opportunities. • Work opportunities were lost. • Work was lost. • Friends were lost. • Hobbies disappeared from my life. • The development of my identity screeched to a halt once the games took over. • I didn't know who I was. • I nearly lost my family. • My house was a mess. • I never had a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. • I thought I was worthless, I didn't mean anything and nobody wanted me. • It nearly cost me my life. So, when I start gaming again, I will most probably end up killing myself. Conclusion: gaming = bad idea.

I took my step 1 in the rooms, admitting complete and utter defeat by the games. No hiding, no escaping. Just the cold, hard truth. While I was sharing my rock bottom I had to cry but I continued, as I need to be hard with myself. Being nice to myself won't get me anywhere, being honest will. From there my recovery continued. After step 1, came step 2: the admission that I'm insane. What does this mean? Well, that I cannot trust my own head to tell me the right thing. I need something else to help me out in that regard. First it turned out to be you guys, later I added "that miraculous something" (still don't know what it is). When I was first told to go and get a higher power, I did not understand. Did I need to get a religion?

So, I grudgingly went off and started looking for a higher power in religion, needless to say I only found what's wrong with all the world's religions. So I went back to my sponsor and complained to him. He cut me off after my first sentence and asked me: "do you believe there is something keeping you free of computer gaming?" Of course, there were plugs in my ears and I just continued babbling. He needed to repeat the question in order to reach through that peace of bone on top of my neck: "do you believe there is something keeping you free of computer gaming?" Then I was silent. I ended up saying "yes" and he replied: "good, let's move on."

Of course my head was panicked now and it expressed that loudly; There had to be rules. My sponsor cut me off again and explained that was the only requirement for a higher power to apply for the job. I apparently had one. And he poked me to move on. It took me a while to actually come to terms with it, but when I did it meant a huge relief.

Next came another really hard step. Surrender my will and my lives to the care of my higher power. Boy, did I have a hard time doing that! What would happen if I did that? Would chaos ensue? Would I go to prison? Would I be rejected? Would I be hated? The list goes on and on. My head was full of excuses, all of which I needed to let go of. That is something really hard to do, and needed to do quite thoroughly. But when I did, it felt like such a relief. I no longer had to worry. My higher power took care of things. I didn't have to worry about the future or the past, not about others, not about things, not about places. Life got a lot simpler.

Then came step 4. Honesty again, but also the courage to face my inner demons. This time around I looked at the ravages of my past. I had hurt family, friends, colleagues, employers, potential women I would have gotten a romantic relationship with, computer game developers. On top of that I was afraid of quite a lot of things. Rejection, loneliness, hurting others, getting lost, failure, and the list goes on and on. Some resentments went so deep, therapy was needed to root them out. The constant, boiling anger I felt was causing me suffering. But, when I was done with therapy I was able to look at those resentments and I found even there I had my part. I had never thought I could untangle that mess inside of my head, but here I was. Here there was this list of my past behaviors and all my character defects.

Then I went out to share it with myself, my higher power and another human being. In this case that meant my sponsor. This was quite ego deflating, but I knew this had to be done. I am as sick as my secrets, so there had to remain none. As my ego deflated, I had pain. I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to keep secrets. This was not an option for me, brutal honesty was my only hope. Secrets would mean dishonesty. Finishing this felt good. Someone else finally knew everything about me.

Step 6 was the check. I had this list of character defects, and if I'd like to get rid of them. Over here I started acting the spiritual opposites and I noticed immediate improvements. I stopped trying to be an egoist, dishonest, control-freak, self-pitying asshole. Yes, that's right. My addict was a complete asshole, and I had thought I was a nice person! All the crap character defects no longer served me; They kept me down. Applying one small change proved that to me, but I could not do it on my own; So I asked for help from my higher power in removing them. All I have to do is act the spiritual opposites and my higher power will take them away at his convenience, not mine. This takes away a lot of fear. That was step 7.

Step 8 and 9. I had this list of people I had hurt. Here was my sponsor telling me to go make amends and, oh, whether I would be willing to pray for willingness to make amends to that one person which I hadn't put on that list? I WANTED TO KILL HIM! Grudgingly I set off with prayer. Fear of the consequences of that one particular amends were driving me crazy. My addict was again telling me to run away and hide. To ignore those amends. To lie to my sponsor. When I next contacted my sponsor I tried to lie and it was futile. He explained to me that we had to make all amends, not those which convenience us. I remember after that call I was sitting in my chair at home, afraid. My addict screaming at me to not do it. All other amends I had already done by this time, but this one remained.

I approached that person, every fiber of my body screaming fear, to make an appointment. I did not want to do it, but I did. The appointment came and I was a nervous wreck. Every step to that person's house was like I went through a wall. I ended up making the amends. It was very, very hard, but I did it. And I feel better for doing it. I still remember looking in that person's eyes and honestly saying that I am sorry. Recalling what I had done and what my faults had been I felt very small. The unexpected happened: the person thanked me for my honesty and asked some questions, which I answered from my heart. After that I left, a free man. No consequences happened as a result of that conversation.

Step 10 means daily maintenance for me; discipline. Basically maintaining an diary of daily inventory. It's easy and, to be honest, I quite like it. It gives me a good idea of my day and it helps me noticing any undesirable patterns... but also the nice ones, as those invariably end up in there.

Step 11, or awareness of my higher power's wishes for me and the strength to do so; every day some meditation and silent contemplation of my day. This helps me untangle that huge traffic jam inside of my head. It also helps me take note of what is going on up there (inside of my head). Step 12, service: being of value to others and applying these principles in all of my daily affairs. When I started this step, promptly a couple of guys approached me and asked whether I would like to sponsor them. I try to share my experience, strength and hope with my sponsees, those who are at meetings and the newcomer. This has been of immense value to me and I find that I quite enjoy helping others inside and outside the rooms.

All of the spiritual principles of the program I try to apply to all of my daily affairs. At times this may be hard, at times this may be easy. For me it's about progress, not perfection. I do know that this has brought me a position of some use to society, new friends and affection of those around me. I am so grateful for this program and those taking part in it, I wish to give it away.