The 432 Fifteenth Anniversary Super-Issue VOLUME FIFTEEN ISSUE EIGHT 18 January 2002

In this issue: Social Darwinism Rehash What Alcohol Does to the Creative Process and soooo much more...

“You only lie to two people, your girlfriend and the police.”

-Jack Nicholson North Shore Search and Rescue Implements ‘Darwin Clause’ ‘Dumbasses’ to be Left to Die North Vancouver (Reuters) lic money. And ninety-percent of these res- representative stated: return nearly $500,000 to North Vancou- fter years of budget crises and cues are for people who deserve to be left “If you're honestly lost, through no fault ver’s municipal budget. This additional upcoming cutbacks, the North to the fruit of their stupidity. These cut- of your own, then sure, we'll come and cash is expected to go towards increases in Shore Search and Rescue team backs will help ease the workload of the help you. That's what we're here for and it other services. A underappreciated volunteers, as well as finally came to a decision that says that gives us a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. “Maybe we can afford that fourth lane they believe will not only dramatically cut add a little chlorine to the gene pool." But if I had to save one more dumbass who now,” commented resident, Barney Glotz. their budget, but provide a service to the As expected, reaction to these new regula- thought it would be cool to wander along Another option includes adding a third community as a whole. tions has been varied. the rocks just before the tide comes back in, bridge to the North Shore. There is a The number of rescue operations contin- "I don't like it," said Rodney Gerwigger, a in spite of posted warnings then we will potential problem with this choice, howev- ues to increase annually, requiring more walking nightmare of a gene pool who was see how quickly the dumbass learns how er. to swim. Dumbass.” and more resources and taxpayer dollars rescued from the far side of Cypress “If we do that, then there is one more every year. Statistics also show that the Mountain last year after becoming lost Additional proposed changes would brigde for dumbasses to fall off of, or to number of operations involving rescue of while blatantly disregarding the numerous include actually hampering people who run into with boats, or what-have-you,” complete dumbasses doing things they warnings to not leave the marked ski area, through sheer luck managed to get out of stated the North Shore representative. “We were warned repeatedly not to do has also “I mean, we always gonna go out of really stupid situations, such as causing an have to look in to how much this will affect risen sharply. bounds, it's cool to give authority the fin- avalanche by yelling “riiiicola” and getting our search and rescue expeditures in light To counter this rise, the North Shore ger and all that. Now, the authority says it caught in it and somehow riding it down, of the new Darwin Clause. We just don’t Search and Rescue team has implemented won't rescue us from that? We could actu- or escaping a bear attack by yelling at it have those numbers, yet.” ally, like, be in real danger." and frightening it with horrible morning a Darwin Clause in which anyone who “I am not sure who thought up that dumb breath. needs rescuing due to their own retarded “Maybe you should obey the signs, dumb- idea,” said a lowly, nameless Translink activities will be abandoned to the ele- ass,” retorted the spokesperson for Search “These people, while lucky, don’t really official. “Bridges cost far more than ments. and Rescue, “and here’s a finger for you deserve to survive, so we will be using $500,000. That doesn’t even begin to cover "If you do something stupid, I mean real- too.” He continued on to say, “N.S. stands some of the helicopter time freed up by the the kick backs.” for North Shore, but it also stands for Nat- Darwin Clause to fly the real dumbasses ly dumb-assed, why the hell should we Another alternative is buying Andy Mar- ural Selection. I think the two should go out to remote islands by themselves. If come get you?" Dave Gallant, acting Presi- tin 250,000 beer. While Mr. Martin was not hand-in-hand.” they make it back, great. If not, the human dent of North Shore Search and Rescue, available for comment, it is reported that gene pool isn’t penalized just because they stated in an early morning address on the “Dumbass,” he added. he is in favour of plan. had dumb luck one time,” continued the stairs of North Vancouver Community When asked to elaborate on the new poli- NSSAR representative. “Dumbass.” Hall, "The average rescue takes 150 volun- cy, specifically regarding to whom it would teer man-hours, as well as $50,000 of pub- apply, the North Shore Search and Rescue Overall, the changes are expected to Lousy Parents Let Kids Kill Selves Orlando, Florida (Reuters) explained Bernice Bleinsten, who was busy n another tragic occurrence that is gossiping with her best friend next door becoming all too common, a child is when her son was shot, "he was always dead after being shot with his parents' using violence in the place of good writing I to sell his works, for warping our chil- unguarded firearms while reinacting a scene from popular media. dren’s minds. But then I realized that my shitty parenting was to blame. I mean, Justin Bleinsten, 8, and his brother James, what kind of person just leaves weapons 9, (who's last name was not released as he around the house? I should be put away." is a young offender) were re-interpreting the dramatic final scene in Shakespeare's "We shouldn't have kept loaded guns Hamlet using their parents’ pistols, which where the kids could play with them. were ludicrously left somewhere where Because of us, our beautiful child is gone the kids could get to them. Unbeknownst forever. We're just horrible parents and to them, their father had left the guns should never have been allowed to have loaded for some asinine reason. kids." Orlando police released a statement short- U.S. Senators from both sides of the house ly after the death of James Bleinsten was echo their statements. "Mr. and Mrs. Blein- announced: "It appears at this time that sten are just total asswipes, and the coun- Justin, who was pretending to be Laertes, try should take all steps to make sure peo- aimed the gun at James and pulled the trig- ple like them are never allowed to influ- ger. Tragically, and stupidly, the gun was ence our younger generation again. They left loaded and James suffered a bullet are but one example of the narrow, suffo- wound to the left lung. He died in inten- cating zealotry masquerading as modern sive care two hours later." parenting," Senator Dick Powell (R-Mis- souri) stated from the steps of capitol hill. "At first, I blamed Shakespeare," 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Three Looking Back So, into the workforce I goes. I spend my details. Only three weeks in, damnit, but Bree Baxter days copy-editing press releases for a news I've got most of it down. company downtown (My office is so cool, The world o' finance is full of rich white One More Time we're on the 15th floor and have an awe- guys, but as a poor girl from a construction some view of everything. We can see family who has lived on the lower of the weather coming three days away). Having income scale for nigh on 20 years and who s the 432 reaches its 15th year, I worked on the 432 for over three years couldn't afford to go to university even as I took some time to look back at now, I am intimately knowledgeable of bad went to university (and sure as hell could- Awhat university gave me. Besides writing, so the job was easy to get into. We n't afford the bus strike, but that's for $25,000 of student debt, I have a bachelor's deal with financial news, stocks and bonds another story that I'm sure you've already degree and the odd friend (friends who are and shares and takeovers and such. Last heard), I'm used to being fucked over by odd?), plus bragging rights. For some rea- Tuesday at 3:29 p.m., I came to the realiza- the Man. I think in about two years I'll son, having a degree at the provincial uni- VOLUME FIFTEEN tion that the financial business is less about know enough about the system to stage versity makes someone "more important" math and education and more about gos- my own "hostile takeover." I know how to ISSUE EIGHT that the joe who went to one of the col- sip and strategy. "Who is the stunning fix the world and the only way I can do it leges, like Langara or Kwantlan. It's not company with the tight assets who pulled is to be Queen. But less "powerless figure- 18 JANUARY 2001 about the training we receive, as someone a hostile takeover last night, then danced head" and more "representative of God on who took computer science at UBC or at the night away with all the lovely invest- earth motherfucker". BCIT have the same amount of job training ment brokers?" On Friday, I entered five Fiend to be a programmer at Microsoft. True press releases in two hours from one com- Speaking of publicly traded companies, Dan Anderson abstract thought has no place in today's job pany that is fighting a share buyout at less there's a lot of mining and base resource [email protected] market. True computer science (an exam- than the market price of yada yada. Yeah, if information. Mining is cool because it's not ple I'm only vaguely familiar with) deals I had money involved I might be worried only about the rape and pillage of the earth with the abstract shit, the "science" behind too, but as it stands, yada yada. (It's not like we're shooting metals into Director of Publications the "concept" of "computers," just as life space; after the fall of this civilization and Benjamin Warrington This job has made me even more anal time passes, new civilizations will drill sciences (a subject closer to my head and retentive about language. It's one thing to [email protected] down into the new metal concentrations, heart) is the study of the concepts behind get marked on grammar in an English 319 life, ecology, zoology, and those other -olo- landfills, and mine the garbage. God bless essay. It's another to have money taken off the wacky shepherd who used all the gies. I almost wish I could go back to uni- your pay for making the mistake of using Implicated versity and just take classes forever. I think camp's wood to burn a fire hot enough to the adjectival spelling of "overall" when the melt those little rocks into bronze), it's also Albert Chen being a researcher would be kinda cool, at noun "over all" is called for, or glossing least in the abstract. However, I am notori- about using cool words like ferrous kim- Gill Gunson over the noun "licence" when verb "license" berlite, breccia, mafic and, best of all, using Ryan Morasiewicz ously impatient and cannot deal with is recquired. It's gotten to be more a matter results that take time. Now, damnit. "dyke" in context. Lana Rupp of pride that I remember all these little Dan Yokom

Writers (Past and Present) Holiday Spending Remorse Angry Duck fridge and get yourself a potato", thus end- like my family. All alone in a small house, Dan Anderson Lana Rupp ing our craving for sweets and Christmas on a lonely stretch of farm land, cows dot- Corrie Baldwin delicacies oozing with cream and saturated ting the horizon, neighbors too far away to fats. visit on foot, our only connection to the Bree Baxter Hottt EditriXXX outside world being a 12 inch television Timothy Chan The holidays are also about times spent together with family and friends. In my with a crooked screen and one channel. Aaron Drake he holidays are now done and in the experience nothing brings people closer We love our simple, pious little world but Jay Garcia fleeting spirit of that joyous, blessed than attempting to ski on only one lift pass. we hate everyone else in it with a burning Jake Gray Tseason created in celebration of the Other fun activities to partake in over the fiery passion that barely subsides when we Michael Groves birth of earth's immortal savior, I would holiday season and in the months directly collectively swallow it in a tight little ball, like to offer some tips on what to do now repressing the blind fury for a more appro- John Hallett following may include trips to the super- that you've spent all your money on expen- market where retrieving shopping carts priate time and outlet. The average house- Graeme Kennedy sive booze, cheap women and that grow- results in a shiny quarter for each effort hold could learn many things from my Jo Krack ing pile of electronic crap that will and visiting blood donation clinics for the own. Michelle LaBounty inevitably turn on you. free cookies and the peach flavored bever- And thus begins a new term at good old Phil Ledwith I would like to lavish upon you advice age. UBC. Happy New Years to all! Kristin Lyons garnered over the holiday season from my There once was a time where life was sim- And remember folks, the post-holiday Brian MacLean family of frugal peasants. ple and Christmas was all about pre-25th season is about giving… away all the Andy Martin Some of the biggest holiday expenses will mad rush to purchase gifts to appease sweaters you have accumulated from vari- Ryan McCuaig inevitably come from food and drink, those we love. Those days are slipping ous grandparents in sizes and shades because making that new years resolution away, like grains of sand into the frenzied beyond your wildest drug induced night- Blair McDonald about weight loss just wouldn't be the tempest generated by the hordes of people mares. Now is time to clean up and move Angus McVickar same without the year-end gluttony that is desperate to max out their credit cards on on because heck, we're less than two Miss Jenn Christmas. My father has managed to help the Deals of the Year! Nowadays, the months away from the next commercial Russ Monger us all avoid both frantic fitness center pass biggest holiday kick in the financial family holiday which will cruelly wretch our dog- Tessa Moon purchases and seasonal jolliness, with his jewels is inevitably the whole in-the-spirit- eared chequebooks and scarred plastic of-all-things-holy post-Christmas cash from our hands, bend us over and say Tanya Rose simple diet plan. Should the "I'm hungry" statement form on us kids lips, the grab known collectively as Boxing "Darling, if you loved me you'd get me a Lana Rupp response from dad that comes is "Go to the Day/Week. A sure way to avert this holi- diamond". Katharine Scotton day spending climax is to just stay home, Sister Death Reka Sztopa May Tee Editorial, Finally Jeremy Thorpe Andrew Tinka good clean satire. It is always a good feel- of white space left in this issue, including ing to hear someone say how funny they the nice box in which I am typing now. Ben Warrington Ben Warrington think the paper is, and even better to hear This is one of the problems that comes Roger Watts how much they liked the article that you along with editting: the realization that one Reports of my Demise wrote in the past issue. is going to be here until early (or possibly Printed by As we went back through the innumer- late) tomorrow. able past issues (well, I suppose technical- The benefits are, of course, that I get to College Printers, Vancouver, BC ell, I am back from the nether reaches of the country, or as I call ly, I could count them, but I don’t want to) blather on like this, and no one is going to it, home. I am back just in time to which Dan, Alan, and many others have cut it. I can say whatever the hell I want, Legal Information beW thrown into this here 15th Anniversary put great efffort into organizing for the and it will be printed. It’s really rather spe- issue. Damn. archives, we found great material from cial that I can ramble on in this manner, Contact us at: [email protected] years past. Some of the best material has even in this, the 15th Anniversary issue, I think that I have also been made into an been selected to be reprinted in this issue. when eve--sorry, but that was enough. -dan All views expressed in this issue AMS councillor under duress. It is not In fact, most of this issue has been devoted are strictly those of the individual absolutely final at the time of printing, but I could say something about the historical to this past material. Additionally, all of the the Director of Publications is next on the privellege of being the Director of Publica- writers, and as such are not the past editors we could locate were invited list in the constitution, and there don’t tions at this auspices time, but really, I am responsibility of The 432, The Sci- to write for this issue. Some of them actu- appear to be any alternative candidates at just another half-drunken editor who was ence Undergraduate Society, or the ally did write, though in the spirit of lazi- the moment. Golly gee darn, and I thought too dumb to avoid the work that this paper Faculty of Science. Writers and car- ness and procrastination, we did not get I was going to have an easy term. Half my entails. Well, that is not entirely true. I did material from all of them. toonists are encouraged to submit courses are Arts electives after all. avoid one term of it, by being out of the their material to The 432. Submis- Incidently, I have come to appreciate past province on co-op work term. Instead, Dan Anyhoo, back to the matter at hand. I find editors’ assertions that the best way to do and Lana and several others have, appar- sions must meet the requirements it hard to believe that this rag has been this paper is drunk. I am, in fact, half ently willingly, done most of the work for of making the editor chuckle thrice, around for fifteen years, and it has cocked right now. Dr. Pepper is also a vital me. I thank them from the deepest places and contain the author’s name and remained fairly consistently good all of ingredient; it is just a funny drink. in my heart: those dark, crumply areas that contact information. that time. Occassionally, we have stepped never see the light of day. Suckers. over The Line (TM) (see the “worst of” sec- Now where was I? tion on page 20), but generally, it has been It is Sunday evening, and there is a fair bit No really, thanks. Page Four THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Krack: A Retrospective Political Tripe

check on Mom/Dad, running ahead, run- the collective intelligence of a retarded ten- Jo Krack ning back, etc.) or why they were so boring Bree Baxter year-old with Parkinson's. Besides, the as to sit still on buses (I probably found Internet was so twentieth-century. Mr. Roger’s Favourite about fifteen different ways to sit on a One More Time Again Personally, I'm a little pissed off at all the seat). broken promises of the twenty-first centu- ifteen years ago, my mom caught me I also learned to whistle (though I didn't wo weeks into the new year gives ry. I mean, where are my flying cars? I was playing I'll-show-you-mine-if-you- learn to snap for another 11 years), to ride one enough perspective to deter- promised flying cars. None of this "hovers show-me-yours" underneath our a bicycle (practiced downhill, crashing into mine, with some degree of accuracy, ten feet off the ground for half an hour and F the massive evergreen outside my house to T runs out of fuel" nonsense. porch with the neighbour's boy (who I the character and temperment of the year dated for a brief period eight years later). stop), and to save money (yup, had a just gone by. All in all, I've got to say that, How about cloud / underwater cities? Actually, it may have been 16 or 17 years lemonade stand, and also got A WHOLE for a potentially portentious year, 2001 was Television shows from the 80's said we'd be ago, I can't remember how old I was then, QUARTER A WEEK for an allowance). I a honkin' huge disappointment. living underwater to avoid population learned how to read, write, and spell. but as this is the 432's 15th anniversary I mean, 2001 was the turn of the century. pressure, and high in the sky on cities Math? Well, I think I learned some of that, issue, let's stick that event firmly 15 years We were officially stuck into the twenty- perched on stilts. Maybe having "The Jet- but damned if I can remember. in the past, shall we? first century, but where were the dramatic son's" as a model for a twenty-first century To get to the point... 15 years, wow. And - And now, 15 years later, what have I milestones? The early twentieth century utopia might not have been the most prac- - thank God I'm not 15 anymore. When I accomplished? I can still read, write, and saw the birth of flight by two bicycle mak- tical thing upon which to pin one's hopes, was 15 I was just starting to break away spell, I still hate math, I can still ride a bike ers at Kitty Hawk; the rise of rampant elec- but it's better than the current alternative from BBS culture, probably because I was (no more crashing into evergreens), I still tric power, and the overwhelming domi- of mediocrity - urban sprawl, inner city just starting to break up with the guy who save money (unless I need chocolate), I can nance of corporations. Compare that to the blight, and the rampant increase in hous- introduced me to it (yup, you guessed it, whistle AND snap, and I go for lunch with opening years of the twenty-first, and what ing to the point where renting becomes neighbour boy!). I was writing Star Trek neighbour boy every now and then, have we got? The rebirth of grunge (twen- impractical and children are forced to live spoofs, had finally given up on trying to though with far less nudity. My lego and ty years too soon, if you ask me), the return with their parents just to make ends meet. use Dep (remember that hair gel?), and playmobil have been gathering dust for at of glam fashion, and, oh yes, reality-based Yep; so far, this twenty-first century thing was putting "a boyfriend" on my Xmas least ten years (OK, nine) whereas my new television. hasn't been living up to all the hype. age-appropriate so-called adult toys gather wishlist (as well as making that my New Overwhelmed, I'm not. Oh well; given that other visions of the Year's resolution). If I could go back to high no dust (note to self: buy batteries). When I future have us smack dab in the middle of The only thing that seems to have the feel school now, knowing what I know, well, I was around seven, I made a memorable World War III or being exterminated by of the future is the Internet and all the wouldn't. There's a reason teenagers are so spelling error as I wrote the tale of a brave sentient machines or overrun by genetical- increasing digitization in our lives. At no ignorant and oblivious -- hurts less that knight in a forest, surrounded by hungry ly engineered soldiers, led by a man who previous time in our history have we, as a way. I'm sure if they could all see the world "loins," now my typos spring mainly from looks suspiciously like Ricardo Montalban, species, with the click of a button, been outside of that tiny tidepool of insecure hastily-typed emails ("Sorry, can't write I'll be happy to put up with the occasion able to harvest the entire accumulated hormone-driven pettiness, they'd make a much now, I'm really busty"). "l33t hax0r" who smack-talks me while knowledge of mankind at our fingertips; break for it ASAP, and then how would we In fact, that's probably the detail of my life playing Unreal Tournament and down- however, despite all this knowledge and keep them young'uns out of trouble? I sup- that's changed the least from 15 years ago. loading mp3's. information, the grand experiment in the pose high school education is meant to dis- Although my stories have developed from entanglement of social order and informa- But I have hope; even now, astronomers tract teens from all the other stuff that sud- moralistic fables about bad cats stealing tion technology has shown that the vast are looking to place an observatory on the denly sucks in their lives. But enough things from good cats to amoralistic tales majority of the populace will use this far side of the moon; and if all goes well, about 15 year-olds. This isssue is a 15 year about bad women stealing things (men, power to download pornography, steal they may encounter a black monolith hid- ANNIVERSARY, so let's go back a decade coffee, sex toys, whatever) from good music and copyrighted software, and oth- den in the lunar sands… and a half, to when I was seven. women, I'm still writing. OK, so I haven't erwise bitch and moan at each other with Seven year olds think they're pretty smart, won the 3 Day Novel contest yet (entered and why shouldn't they? I remember being for the first time this year, and have no idea intensely frustrated by the adults in my life how the judges could possibly prefer a tale (namely my parents, of course). I really of corruption in Ethiopia to my literary had no idea why these two big-people masterpiece about a tech writer and a sex columnist on a "fulfillment" quest!). So 15 Deadpoll, DeadPool should be able to know when I was tired, when I had to eat, or why walking across a years from now, if I don't have a real pub- lished book to my name (I'm not settling as a sorority girl on kegger night. [That's a narrow slippery fallen log in a bog in high Sister Death really inappropriate image, Reaper. - ed.] [Fuck tide was a Bad Idea. I didn't know why I for vanity press here!), I'm gonna be one bitter 37 year old, and that ain't gonna be you, ed. - Reaper.] Closer to home, George should get a spanking just because I told Dubya and Dick Cheney are kept apart at my parents' friend to shut up when he got pretty. Hmmm. That in itself could make a A bit morbid good novel... all times, Dicky in a concrete bunker in mad at me for wandering off with my elcome to 2002. Or, if you're case of sudden nuclear attack on Washing- I’d prefer another tail of these hungry loins, three-year-old sister (I was taking her for a dyslexic, 2002. The last time this ton (or something). George Sr. is still hang- and how they’re among the most interesting walk around the block, mature worldly happened was in 1991, when I ing around, he can't die until his alcohol- seven year old that I was, but try telling living orgasms in the animal kingdom W was 12 years old. I didn't appreciate it then, dependant descendants kick off. THEM that!). And I definitely didn't know - Andy but I do now. Fred Rogers isn't dead, he's just retired why adults walked so slow (I spent every after 35 years of Mr. Rogers’ Neighbour- walk running up ahead, running back to Entries and updates. I have "misplaced" Mark Fraser's list, but that's all right. I hood. John Gotti (the Teflon Don) is in a hope he doesn't mind. Of our remaining New York federal jail with cancer, which entries, much has happened in way of means he'll probably cheat the U.S. federal Must... Leave... results. Not many have died, but I have government out of years of his sentence. done a complete run-down of the lists and Bob Hope looks very bad, but we'll see truncated to fit; if any of them are choppy, have fun and exciting comments to go how it goes. Dan Anderson it’s our fault for poorly editing them, not along with some entries. theirs for poorly writing them. George Harrison is dead. This means that First off, to that whole al’Qaeda scene: No Nick C. has 2 points. Yay Nick. Tastes like Invasion On with the editorial. one we have listed (Osama bin Laden, However, the strangest of the strange There’s nothing like editing until 6:30am. Mullah Mohammed Omar, Ayman al- entries belongs to Albert (look for him in will start of by thanking everyone who Past the “yeah, another beer will make me Zawahri) has officially been declared dead. this, and past, issues of the 432). He hand- didn’t make it into this issue - sorry, more creative” stage, past the “I need some bin Laden keeps popping out videos (or at ed in his Dead Pool a few days before Sep- space ended up being a little tight, so I vodka, ‘cause this is impossible” stage, least they somehow find their way onto al- tember 11th. Turns out that he was filling not all the new stuff made it in. On the past the “ow, my head, I need an anal- Jazeera's desk) and so we have more evi- out his form while watching Larry King upside, this means there will be lots of geisc” stage, zipping right past the “Only 5 dence he's alive than dead. Omar is, at time Live, and Barbara Olson was a guest on the great fresh stuff in the next issue. minutes of Quake III”, past the of publication, being bartered over. No show to discuss the Gary Condit debacle. A lot of people came out to help with this “twitchtwitchtwitchonemorecoke” time, word recently on Zawahri, who is appar- On the list went her name. Barbara Olsen, issue - most of them will be in the surviving The Time When Everything Is ently in charge of al’Qaeda's finances. as some of you might recall, was the wife colophon, but those who were forgotten in Funny even if it isn’t because Dammit I However, as one of our entrants pointed of U.S. Senator Theodore Olson who was, the 2am colophon burst were still a great Need Some Sleep, beyond the “capitalizing out, the U.S. army has "no knowledge if he on Sept. 11, on the plane that crashed into help. Fifteen years worth of 432s needed to words is fun!” stage, past the “what do you is dead or alive." We'll see. the Pentagon. Albert is in the lead with 14 mean, all four 2 litre bottles of caffeiney be sorted, to be catalogued, to have their Next, to the Middle East. Yasser Arafat is points. flats sorted, to be read for the funniest goodness are empty?” fright, beyond the still around; Israel (probably) isn't going to The Queen Mum is as alive as you are, material, and tons more. Thanks to every- “why, why did I take this job?” sobbing, do anything to him personally as he does and will thusly stay. Till next time, don't one who helped. comes the beloved 6:30am stage. seem to be trying to maintain power and fear the Reaper. Other than that, the former editors and That’s the one where you go “fuck it, I keep more "radical" factions under control. contributors also deserve a heap or two of don’t care, I’m going home to sleep”. But as that whole area is as unpredictable praise. Some of the articles here had to be The babies ate my dingo. ‘$10,000 to the man who brings me Andrew Martin's head!’ - ‘Ditch’ - 1/1/2002 http://www.angelfire.com/nc/webinternet/wwfmain.html 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Five A Brief History Of Time ...and other copyright infringements... dawn of time neers, angered at not being invited to all 1945 being execs. They panic and flee desperate- 10-15 billion years ago the Scientists’ cocktail parties, used science Nuclear Bomb exploded in New Mexico. ly seeking fresh resume padding. for evil and burn all the Scientists’ stuff, get Physics nerds briefly cool for saving world. Oct 2000 The universe is born in what is commonly drunk, and create cairns. Scientists make 1987 Bree Baxter, wonder woman, kills Jeff known as the ‘big bang’, though reports witty remarks at engineers’ cost, and go Steinbok and quits her post as D of P. Well, cannot be confirmed at this time. back to discovering new things that would The 432 is first published, starting a long maybe just quits. Hey, we can dream. 10-43 seconds later necessitate cocktail parties. tradition of Science mocking everyone else on campus. Dreams of death, pestilence, and blood Temperatures drop to one hundred tril- The Engineers see that they could not that flows like a river. Well, more like a March 24, 1994 lion trillion degrees celcius. Gravity origi- overcome the mental might of the Scien- creek, well, an ooze. Whatever. nates and the Underground begins to suck. tists and decided to stick to cooking prime The Black Plague is born again as the Nov 2000 4.6 billion years ago. ribs and building their clay and straw huts. Ubyssex. Highlights include tantilizing pictures of exploited carrots and other pro- Bree Baxter gets highest marks ever. Well, The earth condenses from the gaseous 500,000 B.C. duce. Establishes the ‘spoof’ issue into highest ever for Bree. void of space. First Death Star is destroyed. Nurses evolve to heal the scientists and popular culture. Sept, 2001 4.599999999 billion years ago engineers injured in battle with mastodons, and artsies who impale selves January 20, 1997 Exodus II: this time, only three exec man- Yo mama falls down drunk for the first on their own spears. Forestry people com- The 432 Enjoys its 10th Anniversary. Do age to escape before the rest are tranquil- time, creating what is now known as the plained about how creation of the tooth- the math. ized and chained before being brain- Rocky Mountains. washed into “knowing” that They Must pick cost them their favorite douglas fir May 1997 For the next 4 billion years, stuff evolved. ancestor. Aggies wander aimlessly until Remain As Execs. Blair McDonald graduates from UBC, 800,000 B.C. they domesticate themselves. Ben Warrington flees the province, marking the last time a full-term 432 editor promising to return to the land of milk and Artsies evolve. They scribble on walls, and And the Scientists continued enjoying fire. went on to graduate. try to make believe that the scribbles justi- honey after four months. Dan and Lana 4004 BC October 27, 1999 fy their existance, and attempt to get grants begin their reign of terror, or at least their God copyrights humans, gets all the cred- in order to continue scribbling. Challenged by the nefarious editors of the reign of sexual innuendo. it. Sets up first university. rival newspaper the underground, the edi- 750,000 B.C. Nov, 2001 4003 BC tors of the 432, John Hallett and Andy Mar- Pigs are kissed, but refuse to fly. Kiss the An artsy experiences severe frontal lobe tin ‘bet the pot limit’ by posing naked in a God expels first students for independant pig raises several hundred dollars for growth, wonders where poop came from, ratings war by sneaking into the AUS learning. chairity, falling short of the ‘cure world becomes first Scientist. Scientists go on to office and posing for naked photographs 3300 B.C. hunger’ objective. SUS President Reka discover fire. They measure it’s precondi- with 5 still-undisclosed ladies. In doing so, Stopa finds new fetish to accompany her tions, observed that it was an exothermic Moses uses super-fluid physics to do they scare readers off nudity for the next 12 attraction to PVC. reaction that had an initial energy require- good. months and traumitize the AUS so severe- ment, and that it created warmth, bright 34 AD ly, they are forced to replace their couches. Jan 13, 2001 colours and loud noises. They then pro- First hippy experiences uncool combina- Oct 1999 The 15th anniversary mega super wonder ceed to have a cocktail party with a fluid tion of nails and Jews. happy joy-joy issue comes out. dynamics theme. The SUS executive realize that they are 1290 AD neither wanted nor required. This doesn’t Dan and Lana fade into oblivion as Ben 600,000 B.C. Warrington returns as promised. English Religious Studies students really mean much until someone points A Scientist applies his discovery of the express dislike of Muslim Scientists taking out that their odds of getting into med I should apologize - I bastardized an old SUS histo- wheel to an automatic hubcap remover, ry, and took out most of the interesting stuff. I’ll get the world too literally. school or getting a job at a prominent soft- bemoming the first engineer. The engi- ware company are not being changed by Ben to print it later, I promise. -Dan The Four-Hundred Thirty Second Book of Science, Called Editors

Chapter 1 what he would call them; and whatsoever old, journalists of renown. 2 And it came to pass after these things 1 IN the beginning the AMS created the the Council Hack called every bureaucrat- 4 And the AMS saw that the leftness of the that Science did say unto Derek, Take now Council and the SUB. ic menace, that was the name thereof. Ubyssey was great in the SUB, and that thy Mac, thine only Mac Lucifer, and create thee a paper into the campus, and offer it 2 The Council was without stigma, and 4 The Council Hack gave names to all every every imagination of the thoughts there for an offering upon the Science possessed of reason; and enlightenment clubs, and the Ubyssey of the SUB: but for was only irrelevant and hypocritical con- buildings which we will tell the of. was upon the face of the campus. And the the Council Hack there was not found an tinually. Council of AMS moved upon the corridors help meet for him. 5 But the Campus Times found grace in 3 And Derek worked until late in the of Brock Hall. 5 And the LORD AMS created Pit Night, the eyes of the AMS. morning, and saddled his ass, and went unto College Printers. 3 The AMS said, Let there be a Student causing a deep stupor to fall upon the 6 And it repented the AMS that it had Union Building: and there was a Student Council Hack, and he slept: and he took made the Ubyssey on the SUB, and it griev- 4 And Derek said unto his assistants, Union Building. one of his agendas, and closed up the brief- ed it at its heart. Abide ye here with the ass; and I will go case instead thereof; yonder and get the papers; and come again 4 And the AMS saw the SUB, that it was 7 And the AMS said unto the Campus to you. good. 6 And the agenda, which the LORD AMS Times, The end of all campus advertising had taken from Council Hack, made he a 5 Therefore the students of Science read of 5 And the AMS said, Let there be busi- in the Ubyssey is come before me; for the Council Hackette, and brought her unto the 432 unto this day. nesses in the firmament of the concourse to campus is filled with birkenstockism the Council Hack. divide the student from the silver, and let through them, and, behold, we will 6 And Derek lasted a year, and begat an them be for coffee, and for pizza, and for 7 And the Council Hack said, This is now destroy them with the SUB. editor not in his likeness, nor after his beer, and raspberry-flavoured father-of- ambition of my ambition; she shall be 8 And, behold, we, even we, do bring a image; and called his name Aaron. nation-preventers. called Woman. flood of paper-shuffling upon the SUB, to 7 And Aaron lasted a year, and begat 6 And let them be for businesses in the fir- 8 And there was dissent upon the face of destroy all newspapers wherein lacks the Dave. mament of the concourse to give money the campus. best interests of every student. 8 And all the days of Aaron were two upon the AMS: and it was so. 9 And the AMS took the vowels of the 9 And the Council Hacks did amend the years, and he stepped down. Council Hack: and gave him instead two course of the AMS, and the Campus Times 9 And Dave lasted but half a year, before like vowels and a consonant. found no rest for its stacks, and the Chapter 2 Aaron returned once more. 10 And the Council Hack called his hack- Ubyssey returned unto the SUB, 1 NOW every profit-making venture of 10 And Aaron lasted yet an half year, and ette's name Wimmin. unscathed. the concourse before it was in the SUB, and begat Patrick. 10 And the Young Conservatives said, We every business of the concourse before it 11 And Patrick lasted a year, and begat will destroy the Ubyssey whom the AMS grew, for there was not a student to patron- Chapter 3 Ryan. has created from the face of the SUB: both ize them. 1 IN process of time it came to pass, when collective, and contributors, and the creep- 12 And Ryan begat a multitude, and 2 And the AMS formed a member of the Council Hacks began to multiply on the ing thing; for it repenteth us that the AMS amongst those were John, Craig, Bree, Jay, cash of his wallet, and breathed into his face of the campus, and AMS-types were has made it. and Andy. nostrils the breath of ambition and anal- created unto them. 11 As it is to this day. 13. And some combination of these retentiveness; and the AMS member 2 That the AMS saw the AMS-types that brought about Ben, who lasted but a Guide became a Council Hack. they were fair, and it took them Ubyssey before bringing forth Lana and Dan. Chapter 4 3 And out of the bankroll the LORD AMS Editors of all which it chose. 14. And Lana and Dan woefully did not formed every constituency of the campus, 3 There were giants in the Ubyssey in 1 AND the Ubyssey was threescore and bring forth offspring, so Ben returned as and every organization in the SUB; and those days; and also after that, for the same eighteen years old; these were the years of fortold by the prophets. brought them unto the Council Hack to see became mighty journalists which were of the life of the Ubyssey. Page Six THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Volume 1 The How An Atom Works In image on the left was origi- 25 Words Or Less nally bustion engine. printed in Dave Barry Franklin was soon followed by the air- the Black plane. If you have ever looked at a dia- Plague, Ludd Himself gram in a grade-school science textbook, you know that the way and airplane works one year is that the air forms into little black arrows prior to t the heart of all technology are the that go shooting over and under the wing- Five Basic Machines: the wheel, the the first this happens much too fast for you to see lever, the stapler, the chain saw and volume of A without the aid of narcotics - producing power steering. These were all invented sufficient pressure to lift the wing. Obvi- The 432. by the ancient Greek person Archimedes ously there is no way that air can lift an so he would have a "mechanical advan- entire airplane, especially it is carrying an tage" over everybody else. As Archimedes unusually dense dinner entrée such as always use to say: "Give me a lever big "Swiss steak." As far as anybody knows, enough, and I will move the Earth." So what gets the plane off the ground is that finally one night, at a party, some the passengers really believe it will get off pranksters actually gave him a lever that the ground, similar to the way Dorothy got was big enough, and he was squashed as back to Kansas. flat as a coat of semi-gloss paint. We now live in the Age of Appliances, This was the only one of the benefits such as stereos, air conditioners and toast- mankind derived from the Five Basic ers. These all work on the same basic tech- Machines over the next several thousand nological principle: electricity enters them years. The problem was that the energy to from the wall via a plug and is converted power the machines had to come from nat- into music, old air, or toast. The lone ural sources, such as water and oxen. MAPS exception is the telephone, which works by This was fine for the wheel, but mankind means of very tiny particles of something, was getting very poor results from the called "molecules" traveling along a wire. oxen-powered stapler. He was getting sta- Technology quiz pled documents that people wouldn't remain in the same room with, let alone 1. They didn't have semi-gloss paint back read. Clearly, a new power source was then, did they? needed, and who should discover it but 2. Where can an ordinary citizen get a rail- Benjamin Franklin, who, in a famous scien- road air horn? tific experiment, went out in a rainstorm, 3. What about a federal grant? flew a kite with a wire attached to it, and was almost killed by a falling internal-com- Volume 2 Are You Listening?

ing some of the different types. How many for their own rhetoric and are busy formu- Defensive listener: This person misinter- Russ Monger of them are familiar to you? lating their next statement instead of lis- prets things that you intend as innocent Pseudo-listener: This person pretends he tening to you. comments as personal attacks and is Talkative is listening by nodding his head and smil- Selective listener: This person only listens unnecessarily sensitive to certain topics. ing at the right times. Behind his facade, he to what he wants to hear. Unless you He may perceive any question you ask as is often ignoring you and daydreaming or choose to talk about subjects of interest to being snooping or prying. ost people would agree that the is bored with what you are saying and is him, you as well talk to yourself. Ambusher: This person listens carefully ability to express ideas clearly is tuning you out. to you only because he is collecting infor- an important part of communica- Insulated listener: This person is the M Stage hog: This person is not interested in opposite of the selective listener. He will mation to use against you later in the con- tion, but how many people realize that the versation. It could prove unwise to make ability to listen is also important? At one what you have to say. He is only allowing avoid topics that he would rather not deal offhand statements in the presence of such time or another we are all guilty of not lis- you to talk while he catches his breath. with and continually change the subject a person. tening. There are many types of nonlisten- Stage hogs love to dominate the conversa- during the conversation to avoid topics ing. Listed below is an attempt at classify- tion and often use your remarks as a basis that he does not wish to deal with.

The correct response when the prof asks “Are there any questions?” 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Seven Volume 3 About Buying Typical Questions on the Computers Graduate Studies Admis- recommended that you use the computer sions Exam to hold down the ten loose sheets of docu- Angus McVickar I. General done in the most expensive way possible. mentation that you get with it. 1) Shakespeare said that our wages come III. Mathematics In particular, Macintosh is Apple’s major Commodore Vic20 from praise. contender in the PC game. This computer 1) Prove that the integral sign looks more is designed so any fool can use it. Strange a) Prove it. than an F than an S. For ‘halfbreed’, read ‘compatible’; for enough, only fools use MacIntoshes. Apple b) Discuss how this affected Lord Byron’s 2) 1+1=2. Show that this is true for all ‘crash’, read ‘program’. thwarted hackers by making it difficult to handwriting. numbers. Write it in Swahili. “And the Almighty and Benevolent Com- get a really interesting crash running by 2) Define Zrygomatistichyiothysis and 3) If Z is a non-empty set and Q is the puter God was bored, and so He said, ‘Let having a little message appear, when the then explain why it is in no dictionary in adjoint of Z, but a is an element of Q, show there be man.’ And man was, and God saw system is about to go down, to the effect of the known world. that J is the tenth letter of the alphabet. that man was good. But man was bored “Fatal Error: Today is Wednesday. I think 3) A, B, C, D, E anf F are on a train in the IV. Biology and he asked God for some company. And it’s best that I crash now. Bye!” God created the IBM and said, ‘Go forth same car. One is to the left of B, but anoth- 1) Outline the process in which RNA syn- If you are into programming, the new and multiply.’” (The man probably said, er isn’t, even though A and C are secretly thesizes asbestos insulation. machines are for you. I am told that you ‘That’s not quite what I had in mind but I lovers. E is a blatant communistic heathen can easily produce a crash that can do 2) How do cells transport VCRs across guess I’ll do it. At least it won’t nag me to that, in the privacy of his own home, more damage to a hard drive than a team their membranes? take it to a restaurant.’) dresses up in children’s clothing. F could of college football players armed with care less about the fact that A is sitting to 3) Histone H1 seems to be a major factor But eventually, when God saw that not sledge hammers in less time than it takes to the left of the one who isn’t to the right of in determining higher orders of chromatin every one could afford IBMs he said “Let stop the program. This is the mark of a E. None of the six know how to calculat Lie structure. It is also known that untran- there be half-breeds.” powerful computer. Derivatives. scribed heterochromatin has much H1. A Some of the half-breeds could not (legally) special case is found in chicken erythrocyte Tandy (Radio Shack). The ever-popular a) Explain how letters from the English claim to be just like IBMs, so the IBM com- nuclei. Using examples support the Colour Computer line has been heating Language could possibly have human patible percentage was invented. Here we hypothesis that only those cells with very homes across North America for ten years characteristics. come to the first theorem of computer buy- now (I once warmed spaghetti on the long names get studied. b) Why aren’t they taking the plane? ing: power supply of mine). Tandy is a wise 4) Outline the process of meiosis and the Theorem I (Incompatibility Theorem): If choice for any prospective buyer. The rea- II. Physics subsequent decline of singles bars. your halfbreed is 80% compatible, and you son for this is that since Radio Shack in 1) If you shot a 20 kg ball from a cannon at 5) It is a well-documented phenomenon have 10 pieces of software which are writ- Canada became Canadian controlled, they an angle of 45 degrees at a velocity of 0.9c that cells with damaged nuclei have a diffi- ten for an IBM system, only the eight have introduced some bold new policies: and it travelled along a trajectory cult time getting well-paying jobs. Discuss pieces which you will never need will run 1. If it sells well, lower the price. described by the line element of the the possible remedies to this problem and on your halfbreed. Schwartzschild metric near the vicinity of a 2. If it sells really well, change it. how the phenomenon doesn’t apply to the Moving on to the Apple. These machines spherically symmetric charged body, what hiring of civil servants. 3. If it seels to the point that you have trou- make very good paper weights due to their would the surface temperature of an ble keeping up demand, discontinue it. V. Chemistry generally compact size; in fact, it is often observer in a Subaru, if he had Lyme’s Dis- ease? 1) Discuss Cold Fusion and exactly why it’s true because a chemist discovered it. 2) List all the particles that have not yet SUS Claims San Andreas At been discovered, and give their spin, mass, 2) Acetycolese-9-isomerolycperohi- charge, isospin, and strangeness. Explain nousethericoseimide reacts with Isopropy- Fault - Not Us why they haven’t been discovered yet. lbuticeryl acid to produce Acetyisocolese- 9-propylbuticerylisomerolycperhi- n Oct 19, 1989, the SUS officially could start an earthquake. 3) Write the Schroedinger Wave Equation nousethericosimide acid. denied any complicity in the earth- No SUS executives would comment on the for an Undergraduate Student in Physics Oquake that struck the San Francisco matter, other than those on acid. President 304. Show that if all undergraduates were a) So what? area on Oct. 17. In a short letter to the Bush declined to comment on the note, transformed into a Hilbert space, it would b) Synthesize an even longer name. White House, the SUS stated that, “While stating only that they were reviewing the be a good thing. 3) 6 ml of 12 molar nitric acid is titrated the Black Hand recognizes a need for more matter, and any punitive nuclear strikes 4) A beam of optically pumped polarized with an unknown base to produce 500 ml earthquakes in California, it will not offi- would be decided upon shortly. rubidium atoms is passed through a non- of jello. cially adopt a policy to promote these Sources in the White Houses confirmed homogeneous field. It then passes through earthquakes.” Earlier this year, it was a) Discuss the relative merits this base has that the UBC engineers were not above a thin gold foil whereafter it goes through claimed by numerous members of the SUS in food packaging. suspicion for the earthquake that rocked an adiabatic cooling before colliding with a that Chaos theory dictated that it was very b) Cold fusion! Is this cold fusion?!? the Bay area at 6.9. “We found a red Volk- vector meson field at an azimuthal angle. possible to start an earthquake. If a butter- swagon in the Fault, yesterday,” one aide c) Of course it is! What the hell do you fly’s wings could start a hurricane, then a) Why? said. know? definitely a tap-dancing SUS President b) Describe how this experiment could be Page Eight THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Volume 4 432 To Have The Art Of Studying Naked short second. Aaron Drake “NeithercanIwhatdoyouwanttodo?” I ask. Myn’s Issue “...I bet I can run around the building Buff faster than you can.” Eventually, we held the one-kilometre affeine does have it’s uses. We had race, the run-around-blindfolded race, and 4) Why Letting Another Myn Beat You At just bought chocolate covered cof- the walk-like-a-university-professor race. Tanya Rose Even The Most Insignificant Of Games Cfee beans and we had been chewing Eventually we held the run-around-as- Means He Has A Bigger Penis. on them all night. As far as I know, four or fast-as-you-can-because-you’re-naked woMAN When asked if they were concerned about five beans equals one cup of coffee. Each race. It’s darned uncomfortable to run at a public backlash on such sexist material, bag has about forty beans. top speed naked when you’re a man the 432 editor pointed out that printing We, not knowing our elbows from a hole because of a Certain Thing That Men Have he final issue of The 432 will be the sexism was just a simple flexing of the in the ground, had each eaten a bag and a flapping all over the place. But you run myn’s issue, the Director of Publica- muscles of freedom of speech, not unlike half. fast, encouraged by the nagging suspicion tions revealed. T printing erotic gay literature to make the that you don’t trust the people you left Morgan is wired. I am wired. I’ve been “That’s myn, not man. We’re tired of being public more aware of safe sex. seeing giant purple spiders running across your clothes with and they are at this referred to as a derivative from the other “We’re making the public more aware of... my notes for the past ten minutes. Morgan moment they are stuffing them into the sex, the woman.” of, uh... um...” looks up at me, and he’s shaking at about mail slot of the Physics Department Office. The editor admitted that the establish- Anyone interested in writing for the all- 60MHz. ment of a myn’s issue is an effort to keep a myn issue is welcome to come to a plan- “HeyAaronIcan’tstudy,” he says, in one balance at UBC. Whereas the Ubyssey has ning session at 5:30 on Thursday at the a women’s issue, there is nothing on cam- Physics Society, which is commonly held to pus that devotes time to male issues, such be the most sexist society on campus as belching, macho posturing, and sexist (owing to the fact that 90% of the males in comments that end up making the male Physsoc are afraid of women). The strategy look like a bonehead. will be planned there, over beer-chugging Alan Douglas, one of the writers for the races and high-five practices. All writers next issue said, “It’s been a long time com- are expected to contribute at least one ing. Hey: why did God invent women?” stereotypical sexist comment. Examples of “NONE of that until next issue, dammit!” such, for beginning myn: said Trent Hammer, AMS rep and Myn’s 1) Hey babyyyyyyyy! issue contributor. 2) The feminist movement would run Among the regular features in the 432, much better if a MYN was in charge! there will be columns on: 3) Well, at least I can write my name in the 1) Sexist Jokes Revolving Around Three snow. Women Who Find A Lantern On The Beach When asked if the women Executive of And End Up Being Turned Into Myn, SUS would object to such a blatantly sexist 2) Tips on Proper Techniquies For Saying issue, the editor replied, “Oh heck no, The Entire Alphabet In One Belch, they’re a good bunch of gals. Could you go 3) How to Discreetly Leave The Seat Up make me some coffee?” And Miss The Toilet Altogether, The 432’s Logos

1987 1988 1988 1989 1989 1990

1990 1991 1991 1992 1992 1993 1994 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Nine Volume 5 Organized Grime Insanity

Stand up, loudly say, ‘Nice tie, sir,’ and sit button undone, and his hand scratching around Roger Watts down. Unknown Editor down there in a restless sort of way, like heÕd dropped a quarter down there? There was noth- Use wrist-watch to reflect small circle of ing sexual about that. It was just another exam- Bouncy Bouncy light onto blackboard behind prof. Follow Nameless Soldier ple of A Boy And His Penis. Dad was just him around with it, shine it momentarily scratching it behind the ears in an affectionate into his eyes, and target prominent fea- way, as if to say, Hey, down there, I’m still your How to Have Fun in Class (Lessons in Not eing the editor of such a fun-type newspa- pal, even though I’m watching hockey and not Being a Grownup) tures with it, i.e. huge butt, shining bald per, I usually get flippant remarks about it, thinking about sex. head. Be creative. or jocular letters, that read something like, alk into the lecture hall three B It’s true. Men see their penises as if they were Editor Guy pets. Proof of this is men’s underwear. It has that minutes after bell. Help door to When a handout comes around, take thir- ty copies and stuff them in your bag so the Your stories in your paper of news is cat’s top silly door out the front which serves only one close or slam as loudly as possi- purpose: it allows our penis to see where we are W people in the back rows don’t get any. banana, you goddam no doubt that. I am but in ble. Turn babe/stud radar waaaay up. Stop Canada for not six of weeks and I am but yet still full going when we are stumbling around half-con- to chat with at least one member of the Remove wad of chewing gum from mouth of chuckles. You goddam bet that you write funny. scious in the morning (women, on the other opposite sex on the way to your seat. and stick it to the bottom sheet of the stack. Ho ho ho! Tell another story of funniness. Make it hand, treat their breasts like they were their pris- Pass the stack along. about more penises, goddam you bet! oners, and they blindfold them every morning At this point, the prof will make some with bras). This is being very conscientious Your Fan Who Loyals You clever joke concerning your tardiness, ie. Turn to keener sitting next to you. Strike towards our penises, because then they can ‘Ahh, so nice of you to join us today, up lively conversation and dominate his How about that? It’s praise like that that keeps warn us about danger: me going, let me tell you. But, every now and Mr/Miss (Insert your name here)’. Reply attention so that he misses some of what Man: grmmmmbbllllbrmbllllll the prof said. This will unsettle the aver- then, I do get a serious letter of concern from A that you stopped to watch his car being Concerned Reader who raises very serious ques- Hand: Skritch skritch scratch towed and lost track of time. Ignore any- age keener more than you know. Continue tions. For example, here is a letter that I read just Penis: Thank you. A little higher, to the left, yes, thing further the prof has to say on the until he freaks out. Act shocked; turn to recently: right there. matter and select a seat, based on the fol- other neighbors and spread creepy rumors Dear Sir, Hand: Scratch, dig, scratch lowing criteria: concerning his childhood. I’m a student at a small mid-western college, and Penis: HEY WATCH OUT FOR THAT I never believed any of the stories people would write COUNTER! HARD TO PORT! HARD TO PORT! a) as close as possible to the middle of the Fly a paper airplane, letting go a long low in your magazine, but not after the experience I had Man: GrmmbbllOuch room, in order to make many people stand whistle as it sails down. With luck, it will last week. I was studying alone on my waterbed when hit either a keener in the front rows or the Waist: Crunch up and let you pass; Whooops! Wrong Letter! Hah hah, how did floor in front of the prof. Repeat until the Penis: OWWWW!!! b) within speaking distance to the biggest that one get in there? The letter I meant to show prof gets annoyed. Repeat some more. you was this one: Hand: Scritch scratch scratch blip on the babe/stud radar; Don’t get caught. Dear Editor, Woman: Do you have to dig around in your crotch c) high enough so that you have to shout Get really annoyed with the endless click- I’m an avid reader of your column in the 432. I every damned morning? for the prof to hear you. ety-clickety-click of the keeners and their enjoy it, but I notice that you haven’t mentioned your Penis: Shut up, you old hag! You’ll never under- Sit down. Introduce yourself to the afore- goddamned 4-color pens. Produce paper penis once in your last three articles. Why is this? stand. mentioned attractive person. Strike up napkin and drinking straw obtained at A Concerned Reader Man: Grmblgrmbl lively conversation until he/she tells you to lunch from Subway. Pop a small corner of Thank you, A Concerned Reader, for your Women, don’t understand. Have you ever shut the hell up. If he/she does not - hey, the napkin into your mouth and make a concern, but the truth is, there is more to life heard of a woman naming her genitals Mr great! Ask him/her out at the end of the lec- than your penis. For instance, there are floor Happy, or Herman, or some other ridiculous pet wet little ball. Open fire on the next over- mops. ‘Ahah!’ You point out, ‘Floor mops are name? Course, you think they’d at least want to ture. zealous little apple-polisher that makes so phallic! So there isn’t more to life than penises!’ name their breasts(Laurel and Hardy, Fred and Take out notebook. The first point that the much as a peep. Repeat until you’ve But then what about spatulas? Well, okay, Ginger, Ronny and Gorby, ‘Here comes Wendy prof makes, ask a question about it. He will worked out all your frustrations or every- maybe they’re phallic, but Vacuum Cleaners and Masters and Johnson.’). one has a spitball in their ear. Offer to let aren’t...well, maybe they are. And so are tooth- But I guess it all comes down to differences drone on for several minutes, further con- brushes. But there are lots of non-phallic things, your neighbors try. between men and women. Men are not complete fusing everyone in the room. During this like newspaper...that is, when they aren’t rolled unless they have their hand down their pants, time, write clever responses to graffiti on For the grand finale (or special occasions, up... scratching around. Women, on the other hand desk or read copy of The 432 found i.e. midterm, friend’s birthday): At oppor- Hmmmm..... are not complete unless they are shopping. beneath seat. Nod periodically towards the tune moment, introduce any number of Just kidding! There are lots of non-phallic Shopping Malls, by the way, are devices to prof, and occasionally ask him to repeat things (pancakes, laundry detergent, polar ice- enhance Natural Selection, for only the hardiest live amphibians into room from backpack. of men can last an entire shopping trip with a something; you ‘couldn’t hear the last sen- Frogs work best; small newts are an accept- caps) But the truth is, men are obsessed with their penises. To men, they are their penises. Just woman. tence’. When prof finishes, claim you still able substitute. If amphibians are not look at all the different words we have for the Woman: Which do you like better? The strapless don’t understand. Repeat entire sequence available, mice will get the job done. penis: there’s the d***, the d***, the d***, the gown or the off-the-shoulder? until the prof becomes exasperated and (They’re just slower and not as gooey.) p****, the s******, the t***********, the o****** Man: Yawn. I don’t know. I don’t care. Hurry up. ******* *****, and, of course, the f****** *** ******** tells you to ask about it after class. Check Produce camera. Walk calmly from the Penis: THE STRAPLESS! GET THE STRAP- the clock to see how much time you killed. ** ****.These are just to name a few. There is a ensuing mayhem, snapping a couple of group of men in the pentagon whose sole pur- LESS! Continue asking similar questions every pictures and wondering exactly what the pose is to think up new names for the President’s Man: How about the strapless? eight minutes or so until you fall asleep. hell the prof was talking about today. Slam penis. Laurel: No way! Those things are hell! the door on the way out. Wake up. Notice the prof’s idiotic tie. Obsession? No. It’s just a good healthy self- Hardy: I’m with you on this one, Stan. indulgent preoccupation. Remember how dad would watch the hockey game with his pants- [This volume 5 era article was never before pub- lished. Possibly for good reason. -fiend] Page Ten THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Volume 6 A Plead Schrödinger’s Fridge glut of ice-clogged freezers? Where can we life on the problem of defrosting a finite Ryan McCuaig Angry Duck safely store them, so that they will not number of freezers. harm future generations? After all, eventu- The biologist would develop a strain of Missing In Action Looks Like Chicken ally, the ice inside will melt, spilling years- ice-eating bacteria that would, unfortu- old bags of Jolly Green Giant Niblets that nately, also eat the fridge. have slowly mutated into Niblets Hungry y freezer bit me. I'm not kidding. The psychiatrist could defrost the freezer, n exasperated yell! A violent crash! For Human Flesh. Or something like that. Our hero is found slumped at his It bit me. Our freezer - presum- but the freezer would really have to want to desk, devoid of consciousness, Mably built when it was in vogue to Have you ever attempted to defrost a be defrosted. A freezer? It's not fun. The Institute of They with a cryptic message imprinted on his build freezers that don't work - grew teeth, The Arts student would look for some tells us that the preferred way to defrost a forehead in mirror writing: big giant fangs of ice, and it bit me when I kind of Defrosting Manual, then eventual- was going for the Häagen-Dazs. freezer is to Q U E R T Y U ly call the electrician. My freezer not only frosted up, but stalag- a) unplug it, A S D F G H The graduate student would defrost the mites and stalactites of ice spontaneously b) go to bed, Z C V B N fridge in a quick, original manner, but his formed, sealing in the contents of the freez- c) let the melted ice drip all over the may- advisor would take the credit for it. Some kind of cipher, perhaps? Where did er. Whenever we open it up, it's like look- onnaise, ketchup, lettuce, milk, open bowl The Ubyssey Staffer would simply crawl it come from? And why is there a curl of ing at a grinning Allosaurus with a mouth- of tuna salad, and the Cow Brand Baking smoke coming from his keyboard? ful of frozen peas. inside and get steamed about this or that Soda, in the fridge beneath, marginalised person of colour. Wait! He's coming to! He shakes his head, On top of that, we can't find the neigh- d) feed the tuna salad to the roommate. and looks back towards the glowing bour's cat. We figure the freezer got it. Or The Womyn's Center wouldn't have a screen. He rereads his latest attempt at an else it was the Unidentified Container In Further study shows that there is a variety freezer to begin with, because it represents editorial for The 432. He looks at his watch. the Back Of The Fridge, because, every of methods employed to defrost a refriger- the phallocentric-white-male-heterosexu- Twenty hours to deadline. No turning back now and then, we hear a chewing sound ator freezer. al-patriarchal-dominant-gender-repres- now. This one had better fly. coming from it. The experimental physicist, for example, sive-power-struture - oh, hell, I don't remem- ber the rest. He sets his manly jaw and begins to type. Perhaps I am exaggerating a little. The fact will rectify the situation by attempting to Slowly, at first, then with increasing speed remains that freezers are strange devices, bring the freezer to a rapid thermal equi- Kurt Preinsperg would defrost a freezer and enthusiasm as the ideas and words whose sole function it seems is to thicken librium with the room, generally by pour- by finding a way to have sex inside it. begin to flow. with ice until everything in it has been ing in a gallon of hot water. Mind you, The philosopher would define the prob- while the hot water melts the ice, it also This might actually work. glaciated, like a wooly mammoth eating lem of defrosting a freezer in terms of a buttercups. immediately spills out of the freezer and cow falling down a hill; that is, does the The 432 is wholly produced by students like on to the floor, where no absorbent mater- I understand that I am not the only one cow understand the concept of falling? Or yourself. (Well, perhaps eighth-year unclassi- ial had been placed (that was beyond the is it too stupid? Perhaps the cow notices it fied isn't your profile, but you know what I with freezer problems. According to the scope of the experiment). Institute of They (as in, "They say that one in is falling, then forgets, then re-notices, in mean). Ask not what your paper can do for you, The theoretical physicist, on the other an endless recurring loop: hello, what's but - oh, fuck the cliché. You get my point. If a hundred people get colon polyps"), every seven minutes a freezer gets so frosted hand, freezes the entire house, reasoning it this! Am I falling? Why yes! I am falling... you like the way we're putting this together (it better to solve the simple problem of falling...DOWN! Boy, this cud tastes good. is with your ten bucks, after all), come on in with ice in this country that the contents can never be recovered. defrosting a house rather than the complex I want some more. I wonder if...hello, and I'll find some way for you help out. If you problem of defrosting a small, localized what's this! Am I falling?... think we're a bunch of juvenile assholes who Furthermore, the Institute of They tells us freezer. shouldn't have access to the presses of this too that every twelve minutes, someone The astrophysicist would reason that, rel- damned liberal country, come on in and do defrosts their freezer. The engineer chips away at the ice with a ative to the cosmic background radiation something about it. I don't require that anyone knife from the kitchen drawer, until the temperature (4 Kelvin), the freezer is run- This means that every day, 288 more freez- rough shape of a freezer has been made; ning damned hot, and reasons anything that have prior experience in writing or drawing for ers become clogged up with ice than a newspaper, so if you think you've got talent, after that a red Volkswagon is stuffed hot would defrost itself. become defrosted. A chilling statistic. (ed: inside. this could be your big break. Aaron's address is available for those interested The AMS Council member, of course, in exacting retribution for that last one.) The mathematician would first solve the would fine the Engineers. B.Sc. = B.A. problem of defrosting an infinite number limIQ->0 What can we do with this ever-increasing of freezers, then spend the rest of his or her OFFICIAL EFFORT AT USING THE LAST BITS OF TONER IN OUR LASER PRINTER 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Eleven Volume 7 Karpov Vs. Kasparov: Mars or Bust drunk, and my good friend Jeff quickly Trevor Presley volunteered. Just as we were about to send The Final Chapter Jeff on his way into history, we realized Hammered two things: it’s cold out in space, and It appears the judge was mistaken. 10- there’s not very much oxygen up there. Blair McDonald pound sledgehammer swung by Kasparov Again, we brainstormed and came up with in a bold attempt to pin down Karpov's I’ve always wanted to be the first man to the appropriate equipment, which consist- Deep Thought head.(SsKH) Karpov immediately falls set foot on Mars. ed of a big winter jacket and an almost back on the classic Beretta Defense It seemed like a pretty impossible dream, empty fishbowl (well, hey, it worked for (9mmRc-HsAKH - 9mm pistol removed considering I’m not an astronaut and I (Excerpt from World Chess Championship Tintin). After Jeff donned these items, we from concealed shoulder holster and don’t have quite enough money to start my Game 3) said a little prayer, closed our eyes and cut aimed at Kasparov's heart) own space program. the rope. 1. d2-d4 g8-f6 13. KRMcC ... I though my impossible dream was going After the screaming had grown faint in 2. c2-c4 f7-g6 Kasparov revs hidden McCulloch chain- to stay that way, until last weekend. My the distance, we opened our eyes and Jeff 3. b1-c3 f8-g7 saw. friends and I were drinking in our rez was nowhere to be seen. We starting cheer- 4. e2-e4 d7-d6 GAME DECLARED A DRAW BY OFFI- lounge when the topic of space travel came ing and screaming in celebration of having up. It seems my buddies were equally sent the first man to Mars. We talked about 5. g1-f3 Qrs-e5 CIALS interested in the concept of space travel, what weÕd do with all the NASA funding, At this point, Karpov tries a new tack 14. KRTT-JF KRTT-JF and we began to brainstorm about ways to and what we would wear when we were with Qrs-e5 (Queen from right sleeve to Both express extreme displeasure at make our dream come true. on the cover of TIME. After this moment of e5). judges' decision and cunningly respond After going through about six beer apiece celebration, we idly wondered how Jeff 6. f1-e2 e7-e5 with the little-known Rin-Tin-Tin Gambit a “really bitchin’ idea hit us. We quickly would get back after he landed on Mars. Kasparov obviously hasn't noticed Kar- (politely urinating at judges' feet) made a list of items we would need, and We figured that Jeff was a bright boy and pov's innovative move. Karpov returns to 14. KKRF-AP proceeded to round them up. After collect- he would figure out a way. traditional play. Kasparov and Karpov removed forcibly ing the various items that would make our It was a great moment in space explo- 7. c1-e3 Blb-g3 / JbKS from arena by angry policemen. voyage possible, we proceeded to the roof ration, and we went back to our lounge to of Salish house. celebrate. After about twenty minutes of Under the subtle cover of JbS (Jackboot to Game 3 is obviously over. Now, for a play-by- boasting of bragging about how smart we Kasparov's shin), Karpov introduces a play analysis, Mikel Erickson and Michel Our token rocket scientist calculated that were, Jeff walked through the door. He was third bishop into play. Joseph from the World Chess Federation. our space vehicle had to have an velocity of 52 000 000 000 m/s. This calculation was covered in mud and there were big bruises Erickson: You know, I really feel that Kas- 8. LIF-KRE d8-e7 based on the fact that a normal human all over his body, which didn’t really seem parov took control of the match when he Kasparov responds with his trademark could only hold his breath for 60 seconds consistent with a reentry into the atmos- attempted to pierce Karpov's cornea. I LIF-KRE (Left index finger to Karpov's and Mars was very far away. In our drunk- phere. He didn’t look very happy, either. thought that took real determination, and right eye). en state, we could only think of one way to He then attempted to choke the living shit proved Kasparov's dominance in the cut- overcome this obstacle: one awesome cata- out of me, and almost succeeded until my 9. d4Xe5 $^$%#$ throat world of chess. pult. The first item we got was a spring friends pulled him off. Karpov instinctively howls in pain and Joseph: Unfortunately, I can't agree with alder tree and then proceeded to nail one immediately offers uncouth theories con- Apparently the launch had been onlt par- your assessment of the situation. I'm end to the roof and tied the other end cerning the likely species of Kasparov's tially successful. The problem had been in squarely behind Karpov here. Kasparov down with ropes. We then stole a canopy parentage to general audience. the trajectory; while we had all had our didn't display any of the personal integrity from the back of a truck and nailed it to the eyes closed, Jeff had slammed into the fifty 10. Q-KLN Q-KLN I think is critical for a champion. I liked tied-down end of the tree. foot clay mound opposite Salish. Karpov's honesty with his fifth move, but Mutual exchange of Queen to opponent's The idea was to have someone lie in the We were a little bit dismayed to find out the way Kasparov concealed that sledge- left nostril. canopy as we cut the ropes and send him that we weren’t going to be famous any- hammer just goes to prove you can't judge GAME SUSPENDED FOR TEN MIN- on his way to Mars. Once we got our cata- time soon, but hey, these things happen. a book by its cover. UTES BY JUDGE pult set up, we had to select a volunteer. We managed to calm Jeff down with a few Erickson: Oh yeah! Well, let me tell you 11. c3-d5 e7-d8 Now, I know I said I wanted to be the first beers and by the end of the night he what I think of a certain chess commenta- on Mars, but at this point I was sobering up promised to tear off only one of my limbs. It appears the hostility between the chess tor I'm being forced to share this mike and beginning to realize that our idea I guess the moral to this story is: Please, masters has subsided. with! might have a tiny flaw or two. don’t drink and attempt high velocity 12. SsKH BRHAKH 1. ertt-jf Luckily, everybody else was still roaring interplanetary space travel. Hoenig's Second law: "never fuck with a nonlinear The Keys to Progress After passing through various check- dynamic system" Blair McDonald points and ID scanners, I found the mythi- cal Key Control Center, where I traded my Scribbling two pieces of paper for three others, and Roger Watts: "But hey, if the mukluk fits..." after promising my soul and my first born child to the devil Strangway, was given the aper is the reaon why society has key. Number 666. stopped evolving. For instance, I Pneeded a key to SUS. To get a key I’ve often wondered if there would be a from Campus Security involves shuffling a key labeled 666, and what that key would lot of useless paper. First, Sarah, la presi- open. Is it the fabled campus master key, denta, had to sit down and write an official the magical piece of metal that opens every memorandum authorizing the Chemistry lock on campus, from the front doors of Department to authorize the release of a SUB to my closet door in res? Or is the key key requisition form. This key requisition to the Registrar’s dungeons below the Old form was a multi-coloured document writ- Admin Building, where they drag students ten in bureaucratese, in triplicate. After fill- kicking and screaming to pay their tuition ing out several lines marked “Do not write in blood. Vice-President Shylock, recently here”, I got to keep the white and pink hired to collect all the outstanding fee pay- copies. Chemistry kept the yellow for some ments. Keys... for some, collecting them is unknown reason. Next, I had to decipher a passion. Such as the AMS Vice-Prez. Keys the instructions, written only in French for every door in creation. Four individual and Swedish: “Proceed to the farthest cor- key chains, one for each pocket. Sorted by ner of the campus”, it said, and with expert size, colour and code numbers. Labeled help I understood that meant Campus with esoteric designations such as “that Parking and Security. The ominously door I went through once and never will named Key Control Access Center. Proba- again” (Oooo, I better stop abusing punc- bly deep underground, guarded by half a tuation before the Editor comes out wield- legion of Strangway’s elite storm troop- ing his red pen.) ers—the dreaded Housing clerks.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Please... don't drink and derive. Test marketing deals a swift and mortal blow to “Molson Dry Ice” Imbibo, ergo sum! Page Twelve THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Volume 8 I and the John and the Bejeezus. First: Never spray an entire block with gas these little desinens of destruction from Needle John Hallett if you’re doing it going down a dead-end afar at a neighboring elementary school street. during their late night Halloween party (a Tessa Moon Burning Up Second: If you accidently complete mis- clever plan to get the youngsters off the take #1, don’t compound the problem by street and away from danger... bawahaha- hahaha). Punctured ll teenage males (and some proceeding with the plan to ignite said females) are fascinated with the street. The stage was set, me and three of my 'd rather have my teeth pulled out concept of war and weapons of Third: Entire burning of an avenue will friends had set up a launching platform in A a park near our high school, and a fifth through my nose than go see a doctor. war. All this fascination leads to many of attract a lot of attention, namely from large Unlike such truly detestable groups as our younger selves spending long hours in guys with a moustache and a yellow stripe party was at the target site with a walkie I talkie and camera to document the event lawyers or politicians, docotrs tend to the elementary school library looking at down the side of their legs. and call back targeting instructions. We acquire their bad reputation from a few pictures in such books as The Art of Destruc- Fourth: Gasoline does wonders to all the had over two hundred handmade rockets isolated quacks and quirks. Everyone had tion, Why Nuclear Weapons Are Bad, and, my little rubber seals inside pressure washers. a childhood physician they were forced to personal favorite: 1001 Things Your Mom waiting to be launched. Once my parents posted bail, I learned see once a year for vaccination and such -- Won’t Approve Of. Don’t panic, we planned to have all the the errors of my ways and settled down. the doctor who pulled out a huge red lol- rockets detonate at least 150 feet over the Many people contend that all this expo- Besides, I had no idea how to implement lipop and stuffed it down your throat so it heads of the sweet, innocent, children. At sure to violence at an early age can cause the rest of my ideas. That was, of course, would muffle your screams as he bran- least that’s what we planned... disturbing effects in people when they until I took Physics 11. dished a syriunge the size of a banana. grow up. I don’t think so. You see, I was at After the first batch of ten hit the target, Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I Now, if you were so unlucky as to have an the forefront of the collective horror we realized that about three from each decided to take the course for the explicit illness you couldn't conceal from your par- research effort and, as anyone who knows batch would take a lower arc to the target, purpose of learning how to attack other ents -- say, if you were in danger of drown- me can tell you, I have suffered no ill arrive ahead of schedule, and implant human beings (well, it wasn’t my only rea- ing in your milk and corn flakes -- back to effects from it to this day. In fact, I am per- themselves in the ground before detonat- son). In fact, the whole concept of actually the doctor you went. Emergencies were the fectly comfortable in claiming to be com- ing. Being the wisemen we were we decid- using science to scare the bejeezus* out of worst. You didn't have an appointment, so pletely normal. ed: “what the hell”. other people didn’t come to me until the the waiting-room nurse got to have some Explosions were going off every couple Admittedly, me and a few of my friends middle of a rather boring class sometime in fun with you. She wouldn't allow you the seconds at all altitudes. No one got hurt, did experiment with little articles of late October ‘91. relative dignity of keeping the thermome- destruction for a while. A good example of but boy, were they scared! And isn’t that After several experiments in propulsion ter in your mouth, reminding you of the this would be when I borrowed my dad’s the way Halloween is supposed to be? time you bit one in half and tried to drink involving small rockets, we devised a pro- pressure washer, filled the tank with gaso- (* What the hell is a bejeezus exactly? And the mercury. So she'd pick you up like a jectile that would self-destruct when its line (high-grade, no expense spared here) why do people lose them when they get really puppy and take you into a little cubicle fuel ran out. It worked like this: the rocket and proceeded to “dampen” an entire scared? After extensive research, involving a and of course it's an accident that she contained an explosive charge that would block from the back of a moving van. Gomer Pile Reunion Special and The Jerry shoves the thermometer in so deep it just detonate after the propulsion cartridge I learned several things from this experi- Lewis Telethon cycled continuously for hours gets lost inside you, along with he two or burned through to the wick at the top. ence: on end, we have determined a bejeezus is prob- three from tbe previous years. You still The whole plan involved firing many of ably a gland of some kind.) fancy you hear a clinking every time you jump up and down. . . . As adults, you avoid the doctor's office like ... like it was a doctor's office. But there EasyGuide© To Winning are things that will ofrce you back -- mandatory physicals, suspected terminal illnesses, and allsuch. And it all comes Student Elections flooding back as you sit in a paper gown, slowly dissolving into a sodden puddle of come out in herds for that last one. Collegiate had the following entry under paranoia, staring at the walls of a room Blair McDonald Poster the hell outta campus. In order to corrupt. that looks like it was decorated by Sylvia properly poster a campus the size of UBC, corrupt \core-upt\ (n) : evil, dastardly, Plath. I cannot tell a lie a slate requires at least 3 old-growth trees black to the core, referring to inherently First, the nurse comes in with a huge for paper. You also need 4 gallons of non- devious people trying to destroy every- empty syringe. "Do you know the total ake five people. Any five people will renewable oil reserves to make enough thing important to the fabric of society. See blood volume of the average human?" You do. They need not have any perti- masking tape, and a new strip mine will STUDENT POLITICIANS ask when you finish staring. Tnent qualifications or experience. have to be started for your staples. Finally, Simply ensure you add corrupt, fascist, The nurse looks at you like you're several Add catchy slogan. This is critical to the 73 toxic chemicals will be dumped by an Stalinist, or any of the other approved pancakes short of a stack, but politely success of your campaign. It is important evil corporation into a fish-breeding descriptors every fifth or sixth word dur- assures you that she does indeed. to pick one that is eye-catching, one that stream in order to provide your inks. ing your campaign. "Then so you know how much we can lose will draw voters to your slate like flies to However, to preserve your environmen- By following these easy steps, almost any- without turning into a flaccid, drained honey. tally friendly image, make sure you print one can win a student election. In fact, sac?" You demand with increasing horror. Picking a slogan is much like choosing on beige coloured paper, and include a tiny we’re so sure, we’re willing to offer a recyclable symbol in the top left hand cor- She rolld her eyes. And before you know tomatoes; you want one that’s nice a firm. money-back guarantee to anyone using ner. it, she sticks the needle into your arm. Squishy ones like “Think Pink” will only this product during the next six months. Eleven tried later, she finally has her sam- last a few hours without refrigeration Slam everyone else. Don’t bother going Offer void for qualified candidates and ple. You mumble something about her before spoiling. Also, you should pick one out and researching the issues. It’s simply the living-impaired. having to explain in a court of law why that actually gives away your platform. not necessary, ever since Webster’s Third your lunchtime Snapple comes quirting “Students for Students” is far too explicit out of little holes all over your arm, but she for any respectable political types. cheerfully ignores you as she waves the A good slogan promises nothing concrete. doctor in. A great slogan will imply that the candi- The doctor looks distinctly motherly -- dates using it are forward-thinking indi- that is, she looks as though she would like viduals who will fix all the problems to poke you many times with a sharp immediately, without coming out and say- instrument while assuring you that it's all ing how that is to be done. Slogan should for your own good. As she fingers an omi- also convince students politics is all about nous-looking device you don't want to rec- radical change, drawing the connection to ognize, she tries to reassure you. "You student activism in the ‘60s. This will espe- might have heard that I make little castles cially appeal to the hemp-smoking popula- out of my patients' gallbladders," she says. tion, and to the hemp-smoking wannabees, "But I only do that when I'm sober, so mostly Science and Engineering students you'll be all right." who identify more with Porky movies rather than Revenge of the Nerds. You snap just about then. You scream at the top of your kungs as you race out of the Promise the world. Since voters rarely room, through the office, and down the remember anything after the first week of corridor. You hear the clinking of those office, make every promise you can, even thermometers lost of old, and run even the ones you can’t keep. Promise an end to harder. You swear never, ever to set foot in elitism, social injustice, world hunger, a hospital again. As you look back for signs environmental abuse, racism, political of pursuit, you don't see the flight of stairs incorrectness and those really disgusting ahead. chili dogs from Snack Attack. Voters will A typical 6-hour AMS Council meeting 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Thirteen Volume 9 They’re Still Scouting for the Anti-Christ HN: We saw Laotsu lose the draw there right, splits the defense! He’s in all alone can get something together in the final five Jeremy Thorpe again... that non-confrontationalist style of against Shiva! Takes the shot...and a minutes. his really hasn’t been effective against the GREAT save by Shiva! BC: Jesus heads back into his own zone, Goalie Sh*t!! hard hitting Christians. HN: I really thought Moses had the goal- circles behind the net... passes the puck to BC: John the Baptist is having some trou- tender beat with that shot, but he managed Judas, and heads up ice. Judas takes the or centuries, the debate between ble in along the boards... OH! A huge hit to get that third glove hand up just in time. pass from Jesus, heads out in front of his Christianity and various Eastern reli- from Buddha on John the Baptist, who What an effort by Moses, though, to part own goal... he’s turning... it almost looks gions has raged in taverns, on the bat- almost lost his head on that hit. Buddha is the defense... the ERC team really has to like he’s going to... F really throwing his weight around tonight! tighten things up if they want to stay in tlefields, and in our houses. Finally, HN: He is! He did! Judas has scored on his though, the question has been taken to a David Koresh fishes the puck out from the this game. own net! Jesus is looking back in disbelief... higher authority. We join the game, already boards, and races across the blueline... and BC: Well Harry, there’s been a call behind it looks like the Pope has dropped his in progress. play is called offside. the play, and it looks like Jesus Christ will gloves, and is skating toward Judas... this HN: Welcome back to Key Arena in HN: What a surprise David Koresh has be heading to the box. I’m not quite sure could get nasty! Boston, I’m Harry Neale. been. Of course you’ll remember his excel- what the call was, but he sure doesn’t look BC: Harry, I can’t believe that Judas did lent showing in the minor leagues; leading happy. that on purpose, yet he seems to be cele- BC: And I’m Bob Cole. Let me tell you, scoring for the Waco Wranglers, but some folks, this has been one of the most exciting HN: Bob, it looks like Christ will get ten brating the goal! This is crazy! With only have questioned his ability to make it in minutes for the sins of man. That’s the sec- three minutes left on the clock... I don’t games of hockey I have ever had the plea- the big league. sure to watch. ond penalty of the game for Christ... if he know how long it’ll take for play to BC: Well Harry, he’s really caught fire doesn’t watch out, he’ll be headed for a resume. HN: It sure has, Bob. This is the first ever tonight, keeping pace with Christ. He’s crucifixion. That was an unfortunate game between the Christians and the East- HN: Sartre and both of his linesmen are been working hard tonight, and I wouldn’t penalty for the Christians. Not only have pulling the players apart... it looks like ern Religious Coalition, and both of these be surprised if he put one in. The play they lost their star player, but they’ll be teams definitely have something to prove. Judas will be escorted to the dressing resumes in the Christian end; this time short handed for next ten minutes — with room. You know, it’s lucky Jesus is so for- BC: That’s right, Harry. Going into the Mohammed wins the draw from Moses, only fifteen minutes left in this third peri- giving... I’d hate to have his wrath on my third period, with the score tied at one, and puts the puck back to the Dali Lama on od. I’d hate to be without the First One, hands. Indeed, it looks like Christ will get we’re definitely heading for an exciting the point. The Dali Lama heads in along particularly at a time like this. It looks like his team back in line for the final three twenty minutes of hockey. The Christians, the boards, and... OH MY LORD! it’ll be up to their other star forward, Noah, minutes. You really have to admire Christ’s with an early goal from Christ in the first, HN: What a hit by Noah! I think he had to keep the team afloat. ability to rise up over adversity. That’s looked to have things under control; but the elbow up a bit on that hit... The Dali BC: The Christians have played well with- leadership for you. with Buddha’s goal late in the second, we Lama is still down. Fans are shouting for a out Christ before, and they’ll have to do so have a game on our hands. BC: I have to agree with you there, Harry. call on that play, but the referee doesn’t again to stay alive. The puck is dropped... The Christians have Christ, Moses, and HN: Buddha is a great big power forward, have his whistle out. Buddha wins the draw, and heads into the Noah on the ice, with John the Baptist and and the Christians will have to watch out BC: Harry, I think that should have been Christian zone. He’s got Mohammed close Koresh on the blueline. Look for The Pope for him in the final period. I tell you, If I an easy call for Referee Jean-Paul Sartre. behind, with Confucius coming up from to leave the ice for an extra attacker. The were in The Pope’s position, seeing that Noah definitely had his elbow involved in the blueline. Mohammed hovers at the puck is dropped at centre ice... Christ wins line coming at me, I’d be hard pressed to that one. You know, Sartre may be an athe- point, passes across to Buddha... Buddha the draw handily, passes back to Moses. make the save. Buddha, Mohammed and ist, but he sure seems to be giving the drops it in to Confucius at the front of the Just two minutes left on the clock. Moses the Dali Lama... oh boy. Christians a hand tonight. net... the pass is intercepted by Judas, who takes the puck up left wing, and The Pope shoots the puck out of the zone. BC: Well Harry, if there’s anyone who’s up HN: The ERC fans are really making a lot is heading off the ice. Jimmy Swaggart Mohammed is out after it... waits for his to it, it’s The Pope. You may disagree with of noise, and it looks like an entire section skates of the bench to join with the rush. teammates to cross the line, and dumps the his views on same sex marriage, but you of Tibetan Monks have poisoned them- Moses dumps the puck in... Noah heads in puck back in. The Pope comes out of the can’t disagree with that wicked glove selves in protests just below us up here in to the play along the boards... gets control net for the puck, and drops it back to hand. the press box. That may put some pressure of the puck. He’s hovering behind the net... Judas. Judas manages to get the puck out HN: Bob, it looks like they’re just about to on Sartre... I wouldn’t be surprised if we thirty seconds left on the clock. Noah of the zone again, with a hard shot along drop the puck. Jesus Christ will take the see an easy call on the Christians some dumps it out front... Christ takes the the boards. draw, as expected. Looks like he’ll line up time soon. puck... slides it across the net for Koresh... HN: Judas sure has had a good game, Bob. the shot! HE SCORES! DAVID KORESH! against Laotsu, who was the leading scorer BC: Play has resumed with no call... The He’s the kind of player you can really trust IT’S ALL TIED UP! in the Taoist league. Dali Lama had to be helped to the bench by with the puck. That was some good penal- BC: There’s the drop... and Jesus wins the the trainer, but he was on his feet, which is HN: David Koresh made an excellent play ty killing by the Christians...Jesus has just draw handily, passing it back to Moses on always a good sign. In the meantime, to tie the game up, with four seconds left. come out of the penalty box, and back onto the wing. Moses takes the puck back into Moses takes the puck for the Christians, That’ll definitely give David a bit more the ice. The ERC were unable to capitalize his own zone, and feathers a pass to John and skates up ice... he’s in against Confu- respect. I think this one’s going into over- on that crucial power play... lets see if they the Baptist. cius and Hirohito. Moses... fakes to the time... Fire. clusion that I could make art with fire. Next, I doused it rather liberally with a but now I’m qualified. John Hallett Think about it: fire is often considered to be clever combination of kerosene, high At least the little man living in my index alive. Art is supposed to mirror life. It all octane gas and nitro-glycerin. Not to men- finger understands... Burning Up adds up. 2+2=4. tion lots of fertilizer and diesel. So my new mission in life was to construct All that was left was to ignite my master- ire is one of those things your mother fire art. (My old mission was to communi- piece, let art progress, and discuss my cre- probably warned you about. Let’s cate with invisible dwarves via the little ation with all the people who had shown face it, fire is hot, unpredictable and man living in my index finger. It met with up to view my structure. I guess I should F limited success until I tried staying awake have noticed that a large majority of these downright dangerous. It even has it’s own hazard symbol (something I’d like to for the entire month of February.) people had yellow stripes down the sides accomplish in my time). Now I set out to find things for my mas- of their pants and were asking the rest of the crowd exactly who was responsible for Which is But it’s soooo pretty. Especially when it’s terpiece. I needed stuff to burn, er, display in a fantastic drama of life and death. the now flaming obelisk. Needless to say, I burning lots of things at the same time. ran away. Very fast. worse: You get the whole range of oranges, reds, Think about it, fire has a birth, life, and and blues. Some of it is very bright and death. It mirrors reality rather well, I think. I observed, from a distance, my creation’s there are dark splotches where the flame All that and it leaves a blackened, charcoal birth, life and subsequent premature death Ignorance or isn’t quite as intense. And fire dances. A path wherever it goes. Much like I do. at the hands of the UBC fire department rhythmic, pulsating, memorizing dance So I found some stuff: phone books, duct (who were, by the way, so completely and Apathy? that says “Spread me, John, light the walls tape, an old buick, second hand clothing, utterly unprepared for getting a call to a on fire. Burn things. Burn people, John.” lingerie, and the original draft of the US real fire that it took them 15 minutes to But I digress. constitution. remember how to even turn on the water). Don’t worry. I’ve never done what the fire Utilizing some 2x4s nabbed from the Art as fire, fire as art. It made sense to me. Who knows? tells me. Well, none of the bad things, at walls of the Cheese, I constructed my artis- But apparently the authorities didn’t agree. least. tic tribute to all that is fiery. It stood a glo- I leave this little chapter of my life having gained but one thing: the right to bitch Who cares? It wasn’t far from staring wide mouthed rifying 24’ high and violated almost every building code in existence. about being oppressed by the establish- and drooling at burning things to the con- ment. Something I’ve been doing all along, Page Fourteen THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Volume 10 He’s Jer and he’s in a band

ing I get when I walk off of the stage that guy!” been drawn into this evil self-destructing Jeremy Thorp seems to be somewhat lacking. Me, holding back rage: “But I sing! I’m whirlpool of doom, and I’m paddling with Initially, I faced the problem of how to the singer!” a swizzle-stick. I’m debating a number of Hung Over bring the subject into everyday conversa- possibilities. I could wear a bright coloured Her, temporarily deaf in her left ear: “The shirt, with the words “I’m in a band” on tion. Through experience, I’ve learned that sound guy! So, you, like, set up sound an introduction of “Hi, I’m Jer. I’m in a the front (though, the phrase “I have verybody wants to be a rock star. stuff, right...” rabies” may be more effective). This way, I Visions of glamour swoop through band” is less than successful. More suc- . would avoid any social contact whatsoev- our tiny primate craniums at the cessful, perhaps, than “Hi, I’m Jer. I write E for The 432,” but still generally non-pro- er. Alternatively I could distribute shirts Congratulations, Jer, now the whole uni- very mention of the phrase. The entire Hol- reading “My friend is in a band” to all of ductive. Practice pays off, though, and I’ve versity know about your fame-based inad- lywood corporate super-structure depends my acquaintances (or perhaps “I’m Brad learned to merge the topic into the fray equacies. Mind you, it wouldn’t be so bad, on the fact that we all want to be rich and Pitt”), in hopes that I can sneak unnoticed with relatively little pay. if this was an isolated incident. It wasn’t. In famous superstars so that we can drink to a quiet corner of the room, and feel glo- fact, I’ve totally given up on even mention- expensive drinks, get hooked on heroin, No problem, right? No one can resist a riously sorry for myself. and get paid to be naked on the cover of guy in a band. Yeah, right. ing the fact that I’m in a band, fearing that the Rolling Stone. I will just make matters worse, and end up Oh well. Maybe my luck will change, and Me: “So, we were playing this show at the friendless and completely void of social groupie-dom is not far away. And maybe, a I’m not a rock star. I am, however, in a Niagara the other night, when...” interaction. The problem is that though I troupe of remarkably small winged orang- rock band. Now, I admit, we haven’t yet Her: “You’re in a band?” may have abandoned this plan, my friends utans will emerge inexplicably from my sold (or even produced) the one album that have rescued, refitted, and remodeled it, posterior. I can take it. If being famous will provide the book-end for the 5 zeroes Me, acting shy and non-chalant. “Well, and insist on displaying it at every possible means giving up any chance of ever meet- required for a fancy gold-plated record. yeah.” opportunity. ing a nice member of the opposite sex, I can But, we play, and people listen. I’ve even Her, smiling and eager: “Wow! What do take my medicine. It’s all about the music Me, facing impending disaster. “Hi, I’m had several folk whom I don’t even know you do?” after all. tell me that we don’t suck. It would follow, Jer.” Me, somewhat proud: “I’m the lead Jer Thorp really is the lead singer of an up then ,that I would stand to benefit from at My sound guy, rude and obnoxious: singer.” and coming band called Speedbump. They’re least some of the benefits of fame. “He’s in a band.” My sound guy, rude and obnoxious: “I’m good. But their Sound Guy is absolutely awe- Now, don’t get me wrong. I like to play the sound guy!” Her, smiling and eager: “Wow! What do some. music. The feeling you get when you climb you do?” -ed. up on stage and look into the faces of the Her, with an obviously unhealthy obses- You get the point. I can’t avoid it. I’ve audience is truly indescribable. It’s the feel- sion with amplification: “Wow! The sound Losing it. clock bites me. I’m screaming in agony few quality minutes with my beloved have no food, guilty because you have no Phil Ledwith over my toe because my alarm clock is friends, who I felt sure would sympathize rent money, and obsessed by your choco- Godawfully huge, and I’m falling and I and perhaps offer me some balming words late fix which you smuggle in beneath your Thirteenth Monkey can’t see my socks in the dark and outside, of wisdom. coat and past your trusted friends and the sky is rainier and the cold is colder and John’s words of wisdom were, and I roommates and eat in the cupboard I keep getting sprayed with muddy sluice beneath the stairs in the dark in case you And in the meantime life goes on quote: “ Wow, you’re really stupid. Fin- crap as the bus trundles past me at my bus ished your article yet? Deadline’s in fifteen might get caught. But of course your room- ticking like a meantime bomb stop and I’d swear the driver actually smiles minutes.” mates choose that day to vacuum for the and stories all start once upon a meantime his most evil “I‘ve got you now, young sky- first time since the crusades and so of Well “phpbbbtbtbtttt!” -Peter Blegvad. walker” smile as he goes by. course you do get caught and to make it Ever noticed that whenever you’re really My life at this point is more and more worse you bought too much and now you depressed and you’ve got almost no looking like an outtake from Twelve Mon- feel sick. money left you run into a Purdy’s choco- ’ve had enough. I’m sick of them all; keys with a sort of Woody Allen ironic So you go outside to get some fresh air late shop? I hate the evil old hags that run Barney the Dinosaur, Bob Dole, old twist. (if you’ve not seen Twelve Monkeys, and the neighbour’s dog starts yapping these stores. I look in and there she is, and Igrannies on the bus with their evil twit- it’s about a bald guy who comes from a dif- again and finally you can’t take it anymore, I’d swear it’s the same one, and she’s about tering hypocrisy, Ted Bundy, Flipper re- ferent time and so everyone else thinks he you can’t stand it all, so you grab a sharp four hundred and thirty and she looks like runs. I hate the Eco-Nazi vegetarian chip- is insane, until eventually he also thinks he axe and you start running at the little bun- Griselda the Wicked Witch of the East and munk artsies wearing black all the damn is insane. If you’ve never seen me you’ll dle of joy and you’re clubbing away and it’s just one little chocolate dearie, just a time, I hate the yappy next door neigh- just have to trust me when I say to you that you haven’t hit it yet but any minute now one, yes, and you’re standing there and bour’s dog, and people with girlfriends, this is an uncannily appropriate movie for you will just let it hold still for a second let you’re sweating and you’re shaking people with boyfriends, people, near peo- me to be discussing right now) And just it trap itself in a corner and there’s this red because you’re so tired and depressed and ple, telephone solicitors. That’s it. I’m get- when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any haze appearing in front of your eyes and it’s been so long it feels like practically for- ting a flame thrower and I’m gonna torch worse, I went and turned up for my you’re almost about to sound a bestial yell ever since you last had chocolate and you them all. midterm. of defiance from the bottom of your gene know that if you buy this you can’t afford It started about four or five days ago, pool. As your mouth drops open for that When I say that I turned up for my rent and so you’re just standing there and smacking the alarm clock at some God great primal scream you see your next midterm, what I actually mean is: I was she knows. awful pre-dawn hour while still dreaming running over for my midterm, books in door neighbour watching you run rampant Evil. EEvil. about sex and waking up with my eyes hand, and I passed by Markus, one of my on their garden trying to kill their dog. closed thinking oh-my-Gawd-it’s-cold- classmates who’se name I can’t spell prop- EEEeeeeviiiill. That’s when your blood turns to icewater enough-to freeze-the-balls-off-a-monkey erly. “Markus”, I yell brightly, “Midterms, They’ll find you, wherever you are. They and you really do feel sick. and then realizing at the same time that eh? Gotta love ‘em.” Then I noticed that follow you around, like parasites, like I’d go on, but by now I’d say you’re get- there’s nothing but air underneath you and Markus was preparing to leave campus. frikkin vultures. They wait til your most ting the picture. My only chance is to leave I’m gonna fall and I’m at least fifty stories “Where are you going?” I asked, obviously vulnerable moment, because they know the country, so by the time you all read off the ground and then I twist like a mon- puzzled that my classmate would be so you’ll buy. You can’t help it. You’ll cough this, I’m going to be in Guelph. Or maybe key on some freon-PCP cocktail in a des- dense as to deliberately miss a midterm. up that wad of cash you were saving for even back from Guelph if we leave early perate attempt to save my self from falling Markus answered with a question of his rent and you’ll buy fourteen chocolate and if I ever manage to find the airplane and then I drop with a resounding thump own. “Why weren’t you at the midterm?” hazlenut hedgehogs and a couple of with all that blood in my alcohol stream. to the carpet which is in fact at the same he asked me, and it was then that the sink- marshmallow bars and maybe just one tof- And if I so much as glance across a guy in level as my mattress because I can’t afford ing feeling began. You see, Markus was fee brittle because we’re never going to do a kilt singing about his lost scottish her- a bed. Putting on my underwear as I get leaving class because class was now over, this again. Oh no, this is it. Definitely the itage I’m gonna provide him with the sort out of the shower while shoving a fistful of and my watch had not been shifted to day- last time. I’m kicking the habit me. And all of traditional sporran attachment that’ll stale cheerios into my mouth, then taking light savings yet so I hadn’t realized the the time that eeeevil woman is up there in keep him from ever eating haggis again. off the underwear and putting it back on discrepancy until now. Of course, being on your head and she’s cackling her evil twist- Seen Trainspotting? again the right way round, tripping over time wouldn’t really have helped. You see, ed laugh of joy as she rubs the money my alarm clock which has moved again as We didn’t have to. the midterm was last week, and I’ve not between her fingers and chocolatey goo I do so. My alarm clock is alive; it’s actual- ‘Nuff said. only fumbled the ball, I’m playing on a dribbles through the gaps between her ly an electronic rat tethered to the wall by a whole different field to everyone else. teeth and runs down her chin. Meanwhile -ed. plastic cord. As my foot hits it, the alarm Despondent and lost, I decide to spend a you crawl on home, starving because you I also don’t want to come across as an elitist, it’s just I think we’re better than I’ve been drinking Gin and Tonics. everyone else. Wait a second, that doesn’t sound too good. Oh well, it’s not elitist Liquid panty remover! if none of the peons read it. -Bree Baxter -Jake Gray, in his article in The 432, volume 10 issue 7. 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Fifteen More Volume 10 (aka the page ‘o Jake) Constipation and you.

have a couple more cups of coffee and be But take a look at an actual athletes foot, product which, using the great power of Jake the Clogged near a toilet when the alkaloids other than they are gross! They look like left over aerosol, will deposit a God-sent cure which caffeine kick in. spinach dip from the party you had two will provide instant relief from the atomic Corked Columnist What about Athlete’s Foot? Now there’s weeks ago. I really don’t like spinach, fire of the nasty little eukaryote. an affliction that the world health organi- cooked spinach, canned spinach, spinach Wait a second. Maybe they do already zation needs to put a little effort into. Now dip, spinach salad, lasagna with spinach have a cure. Well the World Health Orga- his, gladly, is an affliction with which again, I’m not an athlete. Now I’m not say- and just plain old spinach leaves from the nization should work on... hmmm... well I have never dealt. I have, on the ing I’m a fat lazy couch potato who picks garden. I don’t like any of it. But anyway, they should work on something other than other hand, dealt with the opposite T scabs and watches paint peel and grows athlete’s feet, whether they’re diseased or what they’re working on now. What was I of constipation. This is not as easily dealt small plants in my belly button lint. In fact, not are just not very pretty. spewing off about? Who cares? It’s not like with. It’s rather hard to specifically eat to I play a few sports. I play soccer, I snow- Come to think of it, not too many feet are I’m making any great strides in human give a little more consistency to the results board, I’ve even been known to go for a very appealing. How hard can it be to cure understanding of the universe. I don’t of digestion. I’m really tired of talking of run for no good reason other than the fact one little disease? Its just a fungus, for cry- think I can possibly improve on my own digestive difficulties. I never wanted to, it wasn’t raining. I’m just saying I haven’t ing out loud! I think some day in the future understanding of the universe, knowing but John wanted some information on the devoted my god-like frame to the pursuit when pigs can fly and Hiro can out-drink that the universe actually does revolve terrible affliction of constipation. Quite of sports excellence, hence I am not an Ath- anyone, there will be a great miracle and around me. Maybe that’s why I’ve been frankly I don’t see the problem, you eat a lete. the Almighty will bring forth from the getting dizzy on the toilet. few more bran muffins in the morning, fiery pits of arm a new and marvelous Wisdom Teeth.

a little bit delirious by the time they got to eyeballs out with their kamikaze dives at branches of the alder on which I was so Jake the Clogged the top of the mountain, anyway? Think- my head, missing by mere picometres. precariously perched, but not I. I leaped to ing about it, the guru himself has got to be Despite the wasps nest I climbed through the next tree in a very Cliffhangeresque Extremely Wise Columnist a little light headed sitting up there breath- releasing hordes of Lucifer’s pride to sting move just barely able to grab for my life ing low oxygen air for years on end. me into a stupor. Despite the large branch onto a large branch with the very tips of You see my dad still has his wisdom teeth which was right between my legs when my my fingers. After pulling myself up onto ’ve had my wisdom teeth out, along and he is far from wise. I admit he has a grip momentarily lapsed, letting me slide the branch my wise old father, who still with a good chunk of other people, and law degree and is somewhat successful, down to an amazingly uncomfortable rest. has his wisdom teeth, yelled up at me I don’t think I’m any less wise because I but sometimes he accomplishes acts of stu- Despite all this being outside and at one “Why the hell did you do that? For Christ’s of it. I think I’ve grown as a person because pidity beyond the realm of mortal men. with nature was bringing me closer to that sake you just took out the power line!” of the experience. You see, now I’d actually Hence the activities of last weekend. devine state of nirvana, and then the tree Gee, Pa, ya don’t say. So I started to climb realize what would be involved in yanking down the tree only to slip and fall landing We live out in the toolies, the bush, a rural started to crack. This was not a good thing. teeth and would probably not go through in a very large blackberry bush which I had area, the back forty, in the middle of no As the tree hurtled to the ground with me it until I was in more pain than the opera- so deftly avoided only moments earlier. where, better known as Langley. We have a atop, I had a few moments to contemplate tion would entail. I was lucky, I had mine Unfortunately I smacked the side of my few trees that grow on the borders of our a few issues. Number one, I was really out two years ago when I was young and face on the way down receiving a bruise in property right next to the power lines. So happy we had BC Hydro come and shut invincible. It took me a grand total of two almost exactly the same position where my we decided (I say ‘we’ like the decision was off the fourteen thousand volts that nor- days to recover. I have a 21 year old friend, face was swollen when I had my wisdom made after careful consideration by all par- mally runs through the wire through lets just call him J. Thorp, no that’s too teeth out. obvious let’s call him Jeremy T., who is cur- ties involved) to take the trees down which which the tree was now hurtling. Number Maybe wisdom teeth do give you some rently enduring teething pain as his wis- were leaning out over the power lines. This two seeing how heavy trees actually are I wisdom. My dad was smart enough to dom teeth emerge from there oral cocoon. is a very precarious position. was really glad I was sitting on top of it. send me up instead of going up himself. All I can do is point and laugh at his immi- Luckily for my Dad he has an eager son Number three, why the hell did I climb up nent pain and suffering. who is ready to shiny up the rotten trunk this tree in the first place? So we could chop it down before it fell down? There’s a Jake Gray is one of those few people who will Whoever came up with the idea that just to tie ropes to the tree so it falls the right do almost anything that you ask of him. brilliant idea. because you’ve got a couple of extra teeth way, the way completely opposite to the We even got him to dance naked on the your supposed to be some big old wise guy way the tree is leaning. Normally this Now most mortal men, or women it does- Chemistry roof. Well, we didn’t really have to capable of perching atop Mt. Sinai fielding would be an entirely acceptable proceed- n’t really matter, would have fell to there persuade him that much. questions from people who were probably ing and I was actually enjoying myself. untimely death among the bramble and -ed Despite the sparrows trying to peck my large smashing, rib breaking, leg snapping

Cupid’s early trials with the pneumatic nail gun. At the math bar. Page Sixteen THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Volume 11 Time Travel Sucks. That’s a very common answer. You see, to chug that giant drink at the beer garden floated away during the “Great Flood” so when I say that most people wouldn’t last Friday. Or using the summer holidays that he and these animals could populate John Hallett know what to do with a time machine, I to study for your April exams. the world when the water dried up. This mean that most people wouldn’t know Myself, I’d pull historical practical jokes. story only has one thing in common with Jules Verne? how to use it. Think about it. If you went For instance I’d put a whoopee cushion on the truth: sex, lots of sex. In reality, Noah back and knocked off Hitler, you might Jesus’ seat right before the last supper. The ran a floating amusement park called “Big e’ve all thought about time trav- change the course of history so much that drama and suspense certainly couldn’t Gay Noah’s Big Gay Boat Ride” in which el before. It’s a common dream your parents might never have met, there- hold up when Jesus lets one rip as he sits paying zoophilic customers could have sex for young men all around the by creating a Grandfather Paradox. For down at the table. Of course, there is the with exotic animals of their choice. Pretty W those of you who don’t know what a good service for 3000 BC. country (strangely, women don’t share this distinct possibility that traveling back to 30 particular want. Much like hockey and Grandfather Paradox is (read: those of you AD may reveal that Jesus was a three foot How can you know that I’m not just mak- beer, I suppose). Let’s face it, aside from a in Arts), quit reading now and go back to six inch tall bald dwarf with a major flatu- ing this stuff up? Well, truth be told, I am, naked and bound Cindy Crawford lath- staring at Van Goghs and occasionally say- lence problem and that historians por- but that doesn’t change anything. You see, ered in whip cream, a time machine has ing ‘Brilliant.’Anyway, I digress, if you cre- trayed him as a skinny, bearded hippie to this stuff could have happened and you got to be the number one all-time request- ate said paradox, your magnificent histori- raise the sympathy vote. wouldn’t know it because some guy 2500 cal and selfless change doesn’t happen and ed Christmas present for teenage boys. Just think about the true facts that have years ago decided that fiction was more you cease to exist. Not exactly efficient use So say next December 25 rolls around and been changed to make history sound bet- interesting than fact. We should thank this of a miracle machine, now is this? The you wake up in the morning. You wonder ter. For instance, Joan of Arc was actually mystery man because, let’s face it, Noah same thing goes for making millions on the what that unhealthily obese red imp left Jean d’Arch, a 5 foot 2 inch tall flaming never would have made the first cut in the stock exchange or pushing the Queen you under the tree last night. You wander French queen with a foot fetish and a pen- bible’s editing process otherwise. Mother off of a cliff. (She is the root of all downstairs and find not that red sleigh you chant for high heels. He reportedly drove The moral of the story? Time travel ain’t modern evil, you know. You wouldn’t sus- asked for, but Cindy, bound and begging the majority of the English out of France by all it’s cut up to be. Jules Verne made it up pect it, but she knocked off Lady Di. The for you to call Interpool. slapping them and calling them “skanky to be this dramatic and exciting fun-filled bitch.) Next December 25, just two days after you whores.” See, real history just isn’t as inter- adventure. Mostly it just involves crouch- So you have this revolutionary machine had grown tired of your old present, you esting as the stuff you get in History 135. ing behind a hedge watching famous peo- sitting in your living room and you have go downstairs to find, yes, a time machine! Another example is the crusades. They ple in robes doing boring stuff in a lan- no use for it except to make idle conversa- Your dreams have come true! weren’t exactly groups of thousands of guage you can’t understand. Not exactly tion. “So what’s that thing over there?” brave Catholic knights bent on freeing the thrilling. Now comes the problem. Everyone des- “What? Oh that, it’s a Ming Dynasty vase. holy land from the infidel so much as they So forget about it. Time travel is boring. perately wants a time machine, much like My dad brought it back from China, isn’t it were six guys from Sussex shipping bad People are boring. History is boring. Julius Cindy. But unlike Cindy, not everyone nice?” “No, the thing it’s sitting on.” “Oh Islamic pornography from Jerusalem on Caesar died at 64 from a heart attack. The immediately would know what to do with that. It’s just a time machine, not much use order of the king. (Believe me, if anyone Three Musketeers were traveling insur- one should they actually get it. for it. So how’s your Uncle Albert?” can make really bad pornography, it has ance salesmen. And don’t get me started on “What! What do you mean I wouldn’t Wrong. You can still use the thing, but you got to be the Muslims.) the dinosaurs... know what to do with it?!?” you exclaim, have to use it wisely and conservatively. Then there’s Noah. I don’t know where to John is currently building a time machine, “It’s painstakingly obvious! I’d change his- Like traveling back to open the door of based on the plans he found in the back of an start with Noah. The bible reports that tory for good! I’d make millions on the your apartment when you locked yourself old comic book. Anyone have a Batman Noah built this very large boat, stuffed it decoder ring? -ed stock exchange! I’d knock off Hitler when out last Tuesday. Or warning yourself not he was seven!” full of pairs of rare and exotic animals, and Frosh Fashion Open Letter to Guide TM “The Man” unfirm supply store, but several pair of the night. Then when the kids wake up and go Miss Jenn nurse's shoes, white. They go really well Jake Gray to play with their pets, the hamsters will become with the lab coat. violently enraged and chew their young owners heads off. I haven't figured out how to make Well Dressed #3. Minimalist Luggage. Not The Man money with this one, but I really like the idea of People age, when you age you can't carry crazed man eating hamsters. ack-to-school brings another crop of heavy loads, and alcohol accelerates the ear Mr. Man, The third plot is a little more involved and at freshmen eager to make a good process. Ergo, a 20 year old who has been this point in time is simply beyond the scope of impresson (on who, it begs to gbe to more than forty beer gardens is in worse D my resources. Firstly I must take over the world B physical shape than Keith Richards. This is supply of Bauxite. This would allow me to slow- asked...) There's no better way to turn Firstly let me thank you for taking time out of ly acquire all of the global aluminum smelting heads than by the clothes yo wear - the why nobody past first year carries a back- your busy schedule to read my letter. Secondly I operations. Once control of aluminum supply pack larger than a minibar (though some have a question; must you persist in making my right ensemble can take you from a lowly has been confirmed, I may undergo a massive do carry minibars.) In fact, some people life more difficult than it should be? freshman face in the crowd to a hip and plan to capture all of the worlds sheep through have completed entire Ph.D.'s on nothing suave upperclassman. But, how, you ask, Look you white bread, Kentucky fried eating, the construction of secret aircraft quality sheep can I effect such a wondrous change? Well, more than Starbucks napkins using a pen- Mars Bar deep frying, cheese out of a can, foot leg traps. Once all of the worlds sheep have been sweeties, listen up 'cos the doctor is in. cil nicked from a mini golf course. If you fungus, southern drawl, java sipping, interna- collected, I will remove all of their pituitary Miss Jenn's Guide to Practical and Suave really need a carry-all of some sort though, tional consortium forming, government top- glands to be used in the Kon Tiki Fire Dance of pling, professional wrestling match fixing, Academic Fashion should be taken as a Safeway bag is a cheap and chic alterna- Love. This dance will be performed in the Lon- grand conspiracy rat bastard, I'm on to you. gospel... tive. don Stock exchange forcing all of the stock bro- #4: Rainwear. I've had enough of you sticking you're grimy kers to become over-enamoured with my pet Buy a Lab Coat. Wear It. little black hand into my daily affairs. How else duck "Winston". With all of the brokers vying Nothing says "stylin'" like a too-big 100% UBC gets a bit soggy after September, out- could my taxes get fucked up, my registration for the affection of Winston I will force them to cotton lab coat. Lab coats are only required side and in. Sometimes the Rowing crew for summer classes get cancelled, a freeway get into giving me a free hand in the stock market of in second eyar and beyond, and a little practices in Buchana's hallways (don't planned to run through my house, my dog get London. Once I have taken control of the LSE I will be able to finance a theme park to be built alteration goes a long way... Go to the believe me? -there are oar marks on the picked up by the pound, and my entire collec- tion of swedish pornography go missing in one on the Moon. I will call it Moonworld. The main Chem lab. Get some potassium perman- lockers...) When you find yorself i the rain, forget about an umbrella - they're too big, week? attraction will be a roller coaster three times ganate (purple liquid) and spill copious higher than the C.N. Tower. The roller coaster they track water inside, they smell after Now that the formal whining is out of the way, quantities on your coat. Next, find some will actually end up running into a pit of boiling awhile, and they'll poke holes in your Safe- let me be the first to congratulate you on attain- 20M HCl. Take off your coat (this part is ing your illustrious position. I myself am cur- acid. Seeing as only the most extravagantly somewhat important) and pour the acid way bag. You know those transparent plas- wealthy people will be able to afford to fly to the tic kerchiefs than you tie under your neck? rently attempting to finish my degree so that I here and there. This will give you some may get on with pursuing my career in the field happiest place in the solar system, I will be able Very useful, and I'll be damned if it doesn't lovely holes (be creative - try to make the of evil science. I feel my degree in genetics will to clear the world of the financial leaders, leav- holes into shapes.) Holding your coat over go with any outfit. Last year, some of the provide an adequate basis for a life of arch vil- ing it open for a quick easy takeover. a bunsen burner gives a nice two-tone campus hipsters were spotted in bathing lainy. I would like to get your opinion on a few I would appreciate any criticism you could effect as well. And there you go - now caps studded with plastic flowers - chic. plans of mine. offer to my plots for world domination. I could you're a Chemistry post-doctoral fellow And that's it! 4 easy steps and you too can I am currently attempting to develop a strain of also use any advice you have for an up and com- with the battle scars to show. While you're be a hep cat or hip kitten. If you don't really really bad plaque. This airborne spore ing villain. at it, trade in your Ray ans for some tinted instantly become the object of intense cam- forming bacteria would cause massive oral Perhaps in years to come I will achieve the state safety goggles. pus-wide lust, it's not the fault of the degradation in a matter of days. Before releasing of a "nasty guy" and, with a little luck, persever- clothes. It's probably just some inherent this menace into society, I would make massive ance and guile, maybe I could eventually be "the #2. Comfortable Shoes. Man". And hey, could I please have my Swedish major personality defect; I can cure you in investments into Colgate, Listerine, Crest, Aim, and Oral-B making millions on the ensuing mad porn back? In your four years here, you're gonna walk 5 sessions. a lot. Most of it in the rain. Those open-toes dash for oral hygiene products. Hrm... let's see... I've got the Swiss Porn, the platofrm sandals from first-year will, I And tht's it. Mildly amusing and pretty My second plot involves creating a race of man Jamaican Porn, the Dutch Porn, and that stuff from guarantee, be replaced by the bastion of damned practical, if I may say so myself. eating hamsters and sneaking them into unsus- Langley. Nothing from Sweden, though. Sorry. the elderly - sensible footwear. Go to a Ciao! pecting youngsters pet cages in the middle of -ed 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Seventeen Volume 12 Rants from the Ska Queen looked like a freak mass auto-erotic when I bring all my clothes back from the was classic" or they start telling the stories. Miss Jenn asphyxiation accident. That would be laundry room I drop a pair of underwear It's not like any of them were there when it good. in the hall. I never drop the boring under- happened. Jesus. Kids these days. Well Dressed I hate those damn wallet chains too. Little wear. It's always the little red pair. And it I hate trying to get blood of the walls. I wallet chains are good. Big wallet chains always appears on my doorknob the next hate trying to pick the hair and bone frag- day. I hate to think where it's been in the his article is going to be a collection are bad. There is really nothing less appeal- ments off the end of the mallet even more. interim. of complaints, because according to ing than a 9 year old Aaron Carter looka- Damn ex-boyfriends. all of my therapists, complaining is a like wandering around with a 6ft length of I hate those people who'll be walking to I hate it when some pig in the room farts T anchor chain hanging from their scrawny the Skytrain and they'll hear one of the really good cure for advanced systemic and refuses to admit it because then you nymphomania. waist. People that wear wallet chains trains coming, and they'll run like a midget have to make sniffy motions with your should have them attached to passing with a rabid monkey down their pants. Last night I was at the VooDoo Glow nose as if to say "Who did that foul thing? trucks. The goddamned trains run every three Skulls concert at the Starfish Room. Really Twas not me." minutes, so slow down for %^&*'s sake. hardcore Latin ska. All of the kids there I hate the way that the crack being sold on I hate surprise anal rape. Especially if it were wearing hooded sweatshirts. I hate the streets these days is really shitty quali- I hate it when Jake Gray decides he's involves Jake and the army of squirrels I hoods. People who wear hoods deserve to ty. Back in the day, you used to be able to going to build a bomb, and you know know he is mobilizing. ride that crystal rock high all the way into there's nothing you or the authorities can have those little string ties that you use to Bye bye, and watch out for squirrels with the night. Not anymore, man, not any- do it about. make your hood tighter hung from a wallet chains and hooded sweatshirts. more. clotheshook in a seedy hotel bathroom and I hate it when you're sitting around the Miss Jenn knows how to write; always start then tightened, so they'd all die in what I hate it when I'm doing my laundry and office talking about the good old days and with a sentence that makes the reader want to the first years start saying "Oh yeah, that continue. -ed MSMB 312: SWM Seeks 2 Destroying the Subserviant BiWF e) God would vomit if you do d) and the Andy Martin guy in question is a flaming homosexual. Evidence You keep saying how little looks count to fartsy explanation…blah blah blah…]. [3- Witty Comment Here you compared to the personality of a guy. I Andy Martin 0} have eight words for you: bee, you, el, el, es, MSMB 300 (6): Introduction to Gender kay, dagnabbit, if everybody else ayech, ai, tee! I don’t think I’ve ever heard Relations. An interdisciplinary look at gets to talk relationship humour, I girls talk about the personality of guys Obstructing Justice gender, SEX(ual Identity), and (gender) Oget to too. Of course, I want to do a above their looks. Ever. You girls are as self- relations, emphasizing historical and general observation, and not a personal one. centered around looks as we are, and it’s ue to overwhelming demand, and cross-cultural (wink-wink, nudge, nudge!) Mostly becuase I want you laughing with high time you admitted it. How would you aspects and the social construction of mas- the sudden realization that about me, not at me. True, it’s been over a year feel if I started pointing out all of the tall, half the university population is culinity and femininity. Only one of MSMB D 300 or WMST 300 may be taken (though since one silly girl who I’d gone out with a hour-glass shaped, perfect complextion male, the University of British Columbia has opened a new faculty to facilitate the ours is the only real one.) [2-0;2-1] few times, hopped up on painkillers, let the blondes that walked by while we were ever diversifying fields of study undertak- MSMB 303(3): Ecology of Men. Introduc- word ‘boyfriend’ slip (without the words together? You’d castrate me with a pair of en at one of the world's leading institutions tion to the study of male populations and ‘Leave me alone, you sick bastard, or I’ll call needle-nose pliers for being such an insensi- of higher learning. Start in Winter Session their relations to their physical and biolog- my’ attached). Yes, I’ve been unattached for tive bastard if I even began to do that, 1999 we are pleased as punch to be the first ical environments. Topics include the over a year now, but that’s the price you pay wouldn’t you? university or college in the world to offer effects of beer on the environment, opti- you courses in Men's Studies and Male mal-chick theory, and succession. for having straight A’s while holding onto Tip: Even if I am such a gentleman, do not Bonding. Here to let you know more is our MSMB 330 (3): Hard Liquor. The logical your job as world class body builder. And refer me, to someone who might know me official MSMB representative, Andy Mar- follow-up course to MSMB 230. Learn how ya know, I kind of like it this way. (and blabber it to everybody who knows tin! hard liquor is made and how to ingest it If you read my articles regularly (good for me), as a ‘perfect gentleman’. This is pretty Hello all! This new faculty will be fully like a man. Learn to take it straight, and you!) you may notice that at times I curse, damn embarrassing if I base my popular staffed with ten professors and twenty-five what mixes are not frowned on as down- teaching assistants, all led by our new right girly. Marks will be based on a mid- I’m obnoxious and tend to make a few too reputation on violent and sexist works of Dean: Dr. Don Cherry. New Scholarships term drink-off and a final test of student's many sexually deviant references, but that’s script. No woman under 35 years old (when such as the John Wayne Memorial award own moonshine. [2-4-0] when I’m with the right company. When I’m the threat of ye old resevoir drying up and the Dennis Leary Asshole bursary will MSMB 333 (6): Men on Film. From John with women, I’m like a enuch. I never say becomes reality) wants a perfect gentleman, be initiated and will only to available to Wayne to John Shaft, this course covers things like ‘bitch’, ‘chick’ or ‘you got a thing they want a slack-jawed jerk. Don’t ask me men. As well, a new rickety wooden hut great men of the genre and their effects on for tongue studs?’. I also lay off the all the why, it’s just one of the dumb things they will be put together outside of Brock Hall, both film and society in general. Study, right in front of the Women's Studies hut review and critical analyis of the actors and other fun stuff, like quoting Terrance and do. Telling everybody that I’m polite and all so that we may moon…I mean INTERACT the film will be the basis for making Philip and the unparalleled fun of ‘How far that will kill any worth I have with the WITH, our sister faculty. schemes. Great male films such as 'Rambo', away can you pee into the urinal?’. younger female crowd. I mean, I am bad: I New courses starting next year (with 'Animal House' and "Faster Pussycat !Kill! The rules on how to act around a woman drive a ‘82 Chev. pickup (no, not a lime more to follow in the upcoming terms) are: Kill!' will also be reviewed. [2-3-0] are fairly simple, and can be picked up pret- green Volkswagen), play guitar, frequent MSMB 353 (3): Male Physiology and MSMB 100 (6): Introduction to Man- ty easily: Just treat them as if they were the heavy metal concerts, have almost been hood. An interdisciplinary exploration of Medicine. Yes, we know that you'd rather arrested for drive-by shooting, and get pret- the situation of men in various societies, not hear about prostate problems, just as most important things in the world to you. both past and present. Selected readings we'd rather not hear about your 'cycles.' However, the rules for women on how to ty fuckin’ drunk pretty fuckin’ often. So and theoretical analysis are used to broad- But if women get a whole course to sick us act with a man just don’t seem to register there. en the understanding of the determinates out, then we have to get one too. [3-2-0] with the female (or ‘Double-X’) population. Tip: On the same note as No. 2: If I divulge of men's experience [3-0;3-0] MSMB 448 (3/6): Directed Studies. Take Now girls, I’m not going to tell you every- sensitive information to you, in complete MSMB 200 (3): Sports. A quality held what you have learned in the class and confidence, do not scream “YOU MEAN above all is great knowledge of sports, past apply it to a project in the outside world. thing (that would be cheating), but I’ll give and present. Focus is on statistics and what Create and carry out an original study you some pointers. Some are from personal YOU’RE A VIRGIN!!!?” across the crowded makes a great athlete in any sport. Final dealing with circumstances and issues experience, some are reports from friends, room. This is bad...this is very bad...this is exams will consist of an essay entitled, vital to men and their place in the world. and some I got from a random sample of very, very bad. This also applies to above 'Who was the best?' [3-0] MSMB 500(6): Advanced Maleness. Sem- interviews from the local sanitarium during phrase in the form of a question. MSMB 201 (3): Cars. A man's pride and inar Series whose subjects include: taking my last treatm...um, volunteer visit, during Tip: Do not, under any circumstances, dis- joy is his car. This course teaches you what down a charging animal and killing it with which I help the poor souls who don’t quite turb me when the playoffs are on. When the are the best cars for crusin' , speeding, and your bare hands, maintaining a suave air fit into our society. barreling down mountain slopes. Teaches for a straight week in a casino, and taking score is tied, with two minutes to go, do not you how to take care of your baby and down a whole army of bad guys using Let’s bring it down: stand between me and the screen and list off what to do (and who to blame) if some- only your wits, fists, and Swiss army knife. Tip: When we are doing something togeth- the things you want me to go to the store thing ever goes wrong with her [3-3] [6-0-0] er, and another good looking male crosses and get for you. This also applies to climax- MSMB 230 (6): Beer. Learn the ins and Curent Thesis Defended next year: your view, it is: es of four hour long movies and any new outs of what makes the world go 'round: Master's Thesis: South Park, X-Files or Simpsons Episodes. mouth-watering beer. Learn how beer is a) bad if you ogle him made, what makes a good beer and vari- Hocky, M.: A Regressional Analysis b) worse if you point him out to me, and See, it’s not that hard, now is it? A few sim- ous tricks on how to order and drink it. between Number of Beers Consumed and Perceived Penis Size. ask my opinion ple rules, really just plain-old common sex, Labs consist of tastings. Lab Marks are I mean sense, to follow to make us happy. based on chugging tests at the end of the Martin, A.: Preserving Manliness in the c) much worse if you tell me each and term. [2-4-0;2-4-0] Era of Tofu. every little detail of what makes him so Well that’s it ‘till Christmas. I’m praying to Santa every night, but Mommy keeps say- MSMB 203 (6): Beer for Honours Stu- Ph.D. Thesis attractive to you ing that he can’t fit Natasha Henshrige dents. Same as as MSMB 230, except an Johansson, J.: Micheal Jackson: What the d) [unprintable] if you tell me what you’d enriched course load with a micro-brewing Fuck? like to do with him if you had him alone for wrapped in a black leather bow (and noth- tutorial. [3-4-2,3-4-2] five minutes in a medival dungeon with a ing else) into his sleigh. Maybe I will have to MSMB 225 (3): Men in Society. [Artsy- cauldron of boiling chocolate. settle for the delay pedal. Page Eighteen THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Volume 13 Vinyl Catsuit

out of a kitty. Actually, please don't try it. To the disgust of friends, family, and total a shelf or two dedicated to cat books. Not books Andrew Tinka Despite what past issues of The 432 might have strangers, my roommates and I decided that the about feeding, training, or breeding, which I told you, it's far better to leave this task in the cat would be named "Roadkill". (By the way, fully acknowledge are useful and important. hands of the disgruntled folks at the SPCA. there's an excellent black and white Canadian No, the cat books I'm thinking about are along Feline In Charge Even still, it's an ordeal. You have to take time movie by that name that I thoroughly recom- the lines of "What Your Cat would Say If It off, wait an hour or two for a bus driver who's mend watching while drunk. In case you're Could Talk, Volume Fifty-Three," "Chicken Soup like seedless grapes. I like seedless watermel- too stupid to realize you've got a cat with you interested, I bear a striking resemblance to Wee- for the Soul of Your Cat," "Aromatherapy for ons too. You know why? Because it's a real (Did you know that you're not allowed on the nie Boy.) Anyway, I was at the vet one time with Cats," and similar tripe. Ordinarily, I'd walk Ipain in the ass to get the seeds out of regular bus with a cat? Even if it's in a box?) then deal the cat, and the receptionist, of course, right past these shelves with the disdain they grapes and watermelons. If they come off the with the SPCA receptionist, drop the little mon- announced to everyone that it was time for deserve. The other day, though, I got sucked in. vine without any seeds to begin with, it's super ster off, and come back ten hours later to get 90% Roadkill's appointment. As I took my kitty to the I browsed the titles. I found some of them inter- fantastic, because you can just munch away of your cat back. And when you get her back, exam room, I overheard the two twelve-year-old esting. To my horror, I found that I wanted to without crunching on seeds. she's still doped up on ketamine for the next few girls who were sitting by the door: look at books filled with nothing but cute pic- "Gee, Andrew," I can hear you say, "this article days and can't do any of the things that you take "Who would name their cat Roadkill?" tures of cats. I was close to buying a book that for granted, like walk, eat, or control her blad- would help me figure out what my cat was seems far too mellow. What's wrong? Aren't you "I know. It's so immature." pissed off about something?" Yes, friends, I am. der. Plus, she looks weird as hell because her thinking by the shape of the clumps she left in And I'm going to tell you about it too. belly's all shaved from surgery. (must... resist... I couldn't believe it! I was getting cut down by the litter box. Luckily, I gave myself a firm temptation... to make... shaved... pussy... joke... twelve-year-olds! How the hell was I supposed punch in the nuts and got out of there. There's We've had seedless grapes for how long now? back, Satan... back, I say!!) to react to that? "Eat shit and die, Bitch" just enough freaky cat people in the world without Twenty years? Fifty? A long time anyway. doesn't seem like the right thing to say in a situ- me adding to the problem. In fact, sometimes I What's taking them so long to come up with Despite my whining about spaying and other ation like that. If they were two years younger I think there's a freaky cat person overpopulation gonadless kitties? unpleasantness, I'm really happy with the addi- tion of a cat to my life. For one thing, I'm a com- could have gone with the old standby "Yeah? problem. They reproduce fast, you know. Some- Yes, dear readers, I have a cat. And I had to get plete and total slob. Until now, I've had to accept Well you're a poo-poo head!" Instead, I could one's going to have to do something soon. So if her spayed. Why, you ask? Well besides the fact infestations of mice, rats, and other plague carri- only shake my head and share a "kids say the you know a freaky cat person, do the responsi- that I only want one cat, the fact is that horny ers as an unfortunate consequence of my darndest things" look with the receptionist. I ble thing and have them spayed or neutered. cats are right messy little bastards. They spray hygiene-deficient lifestyle. Not anymore. Now think she was on their side though. It sure SPCA hours are 9 to 9, Monday to Saturday. But urine on everything, they make really weird I've got a vicious little predator on my side, and would explain the visit I got from the Humane do yourself a favor... don't tell them your freaky noises all the time, and they attract all sorts of she's quite good at keeping the number of Officer. They're all out to get me. Them and the cat person is named "Roadkill". Come up with undesirable characters who come over wanting species in the house down to two. (I suspect bus drivers. I'll show them. I'll show them all! something more palatable, like "Muffins" or sex. Quite like a roommate, actually, but you're she's plotting the elimination of Homo Sapiens But that can wait. I've got more cat stories to tell. "Fluffy" or "John Hallett" (Hey! Why I outta... - allowed to take surgical action against your cat. as well, but I keep a cattle prod by my bed so I'm The worst thing about getting a cat, I've decid- ed.). You'll get less cruelty investigations that If you think getting the seeds out of grapes not too worried.) ed, is that you run a very real risk of becoming a way. sucks, just wait until you try getting the gonads "cat person". Case in point: Every bookstore has Lime, Citrus Fruit of Choice!

Limes are amazing things. The pale lime-green off by drinking and form of beer made with fir sick of the damn winter ending. Snow just Bree Baxter colour may appear harmless on the grocer's tips. Yup, green saves the day again. makes everything look more uniform. And isn't counter, but inside that wrinkly citric peel lies a That was then, and this is now. The only arm of uniformity what Microsoft wants? You don't see Green-Eyed Beauty flavor that is not quite sour (certainly not sour the military that wears green these days is the them putting out any green coloured computer as a lemon) which makes your beverage just so land forces, and it's that hideous dark, "I'm lost cases, do you? At least Apple puts out green quashable. Limes are small and love a game of in the jungle and waiting to become a Vietcom computers, although that was just a smart reen doesn't have the coverage it should. hide-and-seek in your fridge. They are much POW!" green. Not many civilian uniforms (ser- advertising ploy to match the sickly green After all, the world is covered in the more playful than lemons, yet more devilish vice and otherwise) go for green. If you put your colour of their users' skin tones. stuff. Green grass, green water, green G than their orange and tangerine cousins. A slice hand up for 'Red' as the colour of choice, lick the I like green apples too. They aren't as sweet at leather jackets, green St. Patrick's Day Beer. But of lime in your afternoon margarita just com- person next to you. The redness of red gives the the red apples. Snow White can vouch for that there's never any rush for things that have been pletes the whole mind-numbing experience. On impression of approach and aggressiveness (and one. The Wicked Stepmother gave her a red poi- made green by the hand of the human. Those the other hand, it is generally good practice to sex, don’t forget sex. -ed.). Green's a more passive soned apple, and the ditz fell for it. She wasn't lime green iMacs are always the last to sell out at avoid adding a zest of lime to your cat's bowl of colour. I still prefer my doctors in MASH greens the quickest gazelle off the diving board. Never the stores, the green Sprite cans stay on the shelf milk. as opposed to those lovely violet scrubs. Even in catch me eating a red apple. long after the red Coke cans disappear, the Eating green items, limes in particular, are the near future, green is passé. You'll never see green acid stays in the hand long after the blue They're watching me when I buy green apples, wonderful to ward off scurvy. In case you have Kirk in a green shirt, or Lister sporting a green acid is ingested and showing you the way to the too. never lived in Totem or eaten the SUB cafeteria's cap. No, the advent of technology has eradicat- Wonderful Land of Talking Antlers. Is it that our patented ‘Fröõt’, scurvy is when your body ed the colour green from our colour archives in Did you ever get the sneaking suspicion that your brains are just saturated with green? The red decides it's had quite enough preserved food a search for the perfect, non-natural world. writers really are looney? I do all the time. Between and blues and purples draw our attention from and starts to reject your teeth. Your gums turn Jake sitting in the corner rocking back and forth like the green? Is the green crayon left all alone in the There are people in black trenchcoats watching black, your limbs swell up to double their size an autistic on speed, and Bree hissing at Coke cans box, untouched when the black crayon is just a me whenever I buy limes, you know. and your hair falls out. There is a rich and var- and forming the sign of the cross with her fingers, nub and the pink one is a chewed-up gummy ied history of scurvy among the early European Green has always symbolized the coming of a I’m hard pressed to find any sane talent. Sigh. mass? Is it screaming, "Colour with me! Make explorers of Canada. Ironically enough, they new age, you know. When the winter ends, the Maybe I should just quit and move to Mexico. grass and leaves and limes?" It's time to play began to ward the hideous nutrient deficiency spring buds grow on the trees and the whole -ed. with the green crayon. damn thing starts again. Maybe humans are just Merit Badge For Crack Cocaine

polo, what with the rubber, and the tubes, and getting a majority stake. They will then make it pointing at the apartment next door, which has Dan Anderson the burn marks, and the hours of wetness, and lose (even more) money, causing every man been filled with carbon monoxide. the rule saying how at least your legs must be woman and child to lose their life savings in If you are too timid or squeamish to perform protruding. Oh yeah, and the hot tub.) their techno-overbalanced stocks. By thereby Not a Girl Guide Lover any of the above improvements to society, at (Ookaaaayyyyyy -ed.) making everybody completely poor, they will least help us out, and scare them. The easiest But, to get to something worth reading, Jay, have the advantage of major money gotten from way is just to rant and rave at them every time recently had a friend point out that I always being the observant evil mastermind that he is, narcotic cookie sales, which will allow them to you see them (Monkey!), but if your vocal use the word "monkey" when I rant. Monkey noticed that the Girl Guides were moving in on purchase all the ganja in the world, which will chords can't take the abuse, there are other Imonkey monkey. I also had said friend point his turf. Seems like their cookies are really just allow them to enslave the youth, which will ways, too, although most of them require slight- out that I always use the phrase "I recently had a fundraising for... well, I'll get to that later. mean that all the parents of the world will have ly more effort or preparation. Making small dry friend point out...". So, I pointed out his left eye Besides the money factor, it seems the Guides to do their bidding, under threat of returning ice bombs is simple, just put warm water in a with my right index finger, and that settled that. also put a mildly physically addictive substance their children. The Guides will then force all plastic bottle, keep the cap handy, and stick All you people should give money to FYC. in the cookies, meaning that if you're like me, hamsters, guinea pigs, potbellied pigs, and some nuggets of dry ice in there. Make sure the We're so far in the hole, it's not a good thing any- and you eat about three or four boxes (thank empty coke cans to be given to their cause, bottle is at least a little squished first, then cap it, more; we're so far in the red we can tell what you, Jay & Bree & others for your generosity) which will give them world domination, power, and throw it at the lil twerp. Smile. Or else you time of the month it is; we're a really big mon- then you will have an intense craving for more. and control of all recycling facilities. could just throw a bucket of ink at them. I rec- key, hear us roar. Meow. Note that this is a separate craving than the one As you can see, this diabolical plot must be ommend India Ink, it sticks best. Probably the For the record, all the SUS teams are kicking caused by chocolate, apparently the second halted. The solution? Kill all the Girl Guides. Do most fun would have to be picking them off ass. You know badminton was good when you thing better than sex. This plan will keep us your part. Next time one comes to your door, from third story windows with a BB gun... make wake up the next morning with aches in places going back for more (cookies! more cookies! next time you see one outside of the SUB, next sure you keep on shooting them as they run you never knew existed. (well, ok, there was that jeez!). Eventually, we will all be completely time you wonder about the little girl next door, away. If caught, just say it was the kid next door. time last month out in Ladner and you went out addicted, then they will raise the prices, making help the world rid itself of the horribleness of With these tips in mind, have fun, remember to the barn and you saw those chickens and...) us mortgage our homes, sell our cars, and frolic the scourge that is Girl Guides. All time favorites that homicide is only bad if you're apprehended, Anyways, you have to love the "morning-after with birds in public to make money to give to include repeatedly poking them with sharp and enjoy ridding the world of those evil crea- ache". Especially when you realize it's from them, and so control the entire world through metal crafts, selling them to McDonald's for tures known as Girl Guides. playing with your partner, when each of you cookies. '100% pure beef bits' (trust me, if you can sell them worms and roadkill, you can sell them Girl As a former Girl Guide, I must say one thing: was hitting a birdie and wielding a racquet, bay- With the money they make, they will begin by Danm Dan for figuring it out. I’ll get you, my pret- bie! (Don't even ask about the inner tube water purchasing all stocks of IBM that are available, Guides), and saying 'oh, I'm sure there's a nice man who'll buy your cookies over there' and ty, and your little monkey too. -copy ed 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Nineteen Volume 14 But the Pagans have Better Sex... religious leanings, if you didn't want such tians are like other somewhat fanatical your religion. It's like giving a guy the Jo Krack information exposed. So I answered it, groups: they want people to do what they green light, only to inform him minutes although she took down the answers, so I say, but as soon as they've converted some- short of first base that sorry, you play for Hare, Hare, Hare! didn't get to see what she wrote. (This con- one, BANG! it's onto chasing yet another the other team. The look on their faces is cerns me somewhat...) At the end, she non-believer, and there you are, cold and priceless, as you watch their brains hard at asked me if there were any really tough alone, clutching a bible when you'd much work: "But I know I was onto something! ARNING: I'm going to ramble questions I'd like to ask Jesus. I thought: rather be clutching that Suzy or Jimmy Could I have phrased it all differently? about squirrels, Christianity, what, is he like a Magic 8 ball or some- who was so seductively explaining its Where did I screw up? I... was... sooo... WJesus, and bad relationships, with thing? Will she pull out a little Jesus fig- virtues to you. close...!!" an emphasis on virginity. This is an unholy urine, get me to ask my question, shake it Personally, it seems a bit like virgin-chas- Other times I am a little more fun. Some- combination, and the results ain't pretty. up, and then it will say 'Not likely' or some- ing. Just like those guys who will only sleep times I inform them that Jesus has person- You've been warned... thing equally ambiguous? Cool!! But I did- with virgins, but can only ever sleep with a ally warned me about their organizations, Today I went to see a display by the Chris- n't feel in the mood to come up with a good virgin once, because after that she's not a so I'm staying away. Of course, if I say I tians on Campus. There's a lot of those question, even though I wanted to see what virgin anymore. So I am the perpetual hear Jesus in my head (which is mean, I groups, more than any other club, and each method she would use to get Jesus to Christianity-virgin, answering the very know) they try to prove to me that it's the one has become quite specialized... I think answer (I kinda guessed that it would be familiar "Do you know Jesus?" with a wide- devil speaking. Gee, could they be jealous? perhaps this one was aimed at middle- praying, which is not nearly as cool as eyed, "Jesus? Who's that?" They swarm to Having a little crisis of faith, worried that class, rap-music-hating, slogan-lovin' either channeling Jesus, or using a holy me, eager to deflower me and force me into Jesus has never really spoken to them, only Christians who favour the colour blue, have Magic 8 ball). In fact, I didn't even take one a codefied behaviour that will agree with given them signs? shoe sizes between 8 1/2 and 12, and har- of the tempting accounts of Jesus's life, theirs, so that they can convert the whole Signs can be ambiguous too, like one guy I bour secret squirrel-sympathizing tenden- which was Perky's mission. However, I did world and thus finally be sure that their met who was thanking God for a scholar- cies. Those squirrels are mighty influential take a cookie, as I am partial to peanut but- religion is ship and informed me that God wanted these days. ter and dammit, I earned it by taking that the right one after all. Just like the kind of him to be a doctor. I tried not to be cynical, survey! I probably just sold my soul right Anyway, I was busy being awed by the cir- guy who tries to get you to let your guard because he was so happy about it, but I there, by divulging sensitive information cular logic of some of the posters, which down, relax, because "Baby, I'll be there for wondered if he would still be a hardcore about us "undecided" (read: non Christian) were trying to debunk "myths" (i.e., criti- you". Really, all they want to do is brag to Christian if God had decided to make him a students, so that our ways can be studied cisms) of Christianity but weren't doing a all their other virgin-hunters that they McGreaseGrill boy for the rest of his life... and methods to convert us will be perfect- very convincing job, when I got bombarded bagged a fresh one. And now I mean the I'm not even going to get into THAT ques- ed. Eep. by the breed of Christian I'll call Perky Christians, not the guys. tion... Christian. Perky had a questionnaire for My soul is extremely cheap (food and/or So I am a tease. Sometimes, I listen whole- Well, as I wind up, I can only say that I'm me, and it gave enough non-Jesus lovin' sex will do it; a combination of the two is heartedly, like the wholesome person I am, holding onto my religious virginity, so all answer options so as to keep non-believers best) so I don't know why I haven't just vol- until they get to the end, and invite me to a you virgin-hungry Christians out there... from running away screaming, holding untarily handed it over to the Campus bible study group, which is when I politely why don't you try to come and get it, baby! onto their souls. In short, the questions Christians. Probably because I like to play inform them that sorry, I don't believe in could be answered without revealing your hard to get. You see, certain Campus Chris- Random Black Bar Fade to Grayscale me it ain’t. To me, death means not living fact that the act of death itself will more you went to dark and dreary Hades by Andy Martin anymore. It means no more life, no more than likely hurt a lot. default. And if you were really bad, or just love, no more adventure, no more sex, no Let us review the ways I almost died in the did something completely innocent that more beer, no more liquid nitrogen, no past year. I almost fell off a boat into the displeased Zeus, you got some eternally Comfortably Hung more grenade launchers, no more fun. Bering Sea. I almost had my wrist ripped frustrating punishment, like eternally writ- Some people believe in reincarnation. If open by an errant fish hook. I saw John ing a math final that you didn’t study for. ’est Halloween. Time of scary spec- there is a life after death, I hope it is rein- Hallett naked. I almost fractured my skull “Okay students, look through your book- tres, scary old ladies giving out carnation. Everything else would just be slipping on pavement. Any vehicle I was in lets. Make sure you have all 12,985,748 Capples with razorblades in them, and boring. But I don’t want another life, I like could have been turned into a fiery, twisted pages, including your cover page and two ugly little kids coming around to try to beg this life just like it is. I don’t wanna be wreck if just one sparkplug fell loose. I pages of scrap paper at the back. You will away my precious, precious candy using rolling the chromosomal dice as to my next walked into an Irish pub whistling ‘God be given 3492076849000002 hours, or so, cute little costumes. Hey, if I didn’t give body. Knowing my luck I’ll be reborn as Save the Queen’. I told my girlfriend that to complete all the questions. You will be any to the starving hobo on the corner of some ugly, stupid and utterly charmless oaf ‘Okay, okay! You look fat already!’ You tell given a fifteen minute and a five minute Robson and Howe, what makes you think whose only joy in life will be when he/she me that any of these deaths would be pain- warning before the end of the test. No you deserve it, you pampered little brat? goes to a two-bit psychic and learns that in less. And you gotta wait another sixty years bathroom breaks. When you are finished Hallowe’en is a time to celebrate and a former life, he/she was world-famous or so for just a chance at passing away the last question, please hand it in to exploit other people’s fears. People fear Andy Martin, smiter of some sort of infi- quietly in your sleep. And even then, what receive the next section of your test. And scary things, that’s why they’re defined as dels. guarantee will is there that it won’t be pain- please ignore Cerebrus as he walks along ‘scary’. Yet people are dumb and seem to People think that death is their ultimate less? Every cell in your body still has to die the rows, he’ll never take more than one react to fear with a certain ill-advised passage into paradise. However, if you’re from asphyxiation...that probably has to limb at a time.” curiosity. Show any other organism on one of the 99.9% of the population that sin, hurt somehow. And lastly, the Zen Bhudists, main propo- earth something they’re scared of and they that ain’t guaranteed. Hell is all but a sure And don’t even get me started on what nents of the whole re-incarnation thingy go running in the other direction. This fas- thing for most of us. And hell is really, real- they do to your body after you die (mostly and their weird view of the final afterlife. cination with things we fear is kind of a ly scary. And what is heaven supposed to because it isn’t funny at all). I’ll just remind The final, ultimate goal of all your lives is to short circuit around modern society to be? A never-ending Sunday service, non- you that it’s really, really scary. If you real- lead good, karma-ful lives, work your way instil some sense of natural selection in the stop praising of the Lord. Heaven is really, ly need to know, just ask your local morti- up the evolutionary chain, and reach the human population. really scary. cian, they’ll be happy for the living human state of Nirvana. Nirvana being where you One of the top things people fear is the And then, there are the atheists. They contact. And studies show that the majori- are assimilated into the great holy light. So inevitable end: Death. But lately, there has believe that when you die that’s it, your ty of morticians are necrophiliacs. Ew. you’ve worked and sacrificed all the way for been a trend towards not fearing death. conscience ceases to exist, gradually fading But at least we don’t live in ancient Egypt. thousands of years, all the way from And it’s not only found in the extreme away as your brain rots after death. They What kind of freak priest came up with the cephalopod and you finally reach the final sporters or the clergy, it’s found among the believe that the conscience thought process idea that removing all the organs with goal and...wow...a part of a light. Thanks. normal, non-cliff jumping, non-altar boy is merely a bunch of synaptic reactions, a razor sharp hooks and storing them in pots Nope, as far as I’m concerned, it’s living all sodomizing population. whole bunch of selective keytone-alcohol by the salty dehydrated corpse would be a the way for me. A lot of people I meet claim that they electron displacements. And that when we good idea anyways? They took the brain Being a longtime friend of Mr. Martin’s, aren’t afraid of death. This is an erroneous die, our conscience ceases to exist. That’s out through the nose. The nose, for the love as well as his editor, I was greatly pained position to take, mostly due to the fact that so unbelievably scary, I can’t even fathom of Ra! And how did the Egyptians picture to have to restrict his creative freedom. death is pretty fucking scary. There is noth- it. I lie awake sometimes and wonder about the afterlife? As toiling in the same damn But I had to put my foot down when I ing not scary about death. It is to be feared what it’ll be like...to just not exist. Then I rice fields, having the same damn croco- told him “No more than four, count ‘em, beyond all else. In fact, just about every- fantasize about two girls I saw that day, diles eat your baby, fighting off the same four swear words, racial slurs, or myso- thing else that people develop odd and dressed in tight saran wrap doing things malaria and being ruled by the same rich genistic comments per article!” I’m glad inexplicable fears to can be laughed off, that would cause people to write me many, teenage brat, who is now a god because it to see that he rose to the challenge death can’t be laughed off... because you’re many nasty letters if I printed them here. was his birthright. Talk about the widening admirably, once we managed to get dead. Then everything’s right with the world and social gap between rich and poor. enough Prozac down his throat. I go to sleep. Many people believe that death is a natur- Of course, the Greeks had an even more -ed al passing from this life to another. Not for Of course, all this discussion about life screwed up view of the afterlife. It didn’t after death is altogether disregarding the matter how good you were, when you died Page Twenty! THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 The Worst of the 432 Big Daddy’s Editorial that they had "raised the ante." Well, to use race. MAD is a bad thing. So, uh how're you going to John Hallett more poker terminology, I just bet the pot Also, to improve the quality of this picture produce the next Under- limit. to marketable levels, I have included a two ground without touching your Burning Up The two unblurred people in the picture handy-dandy pre-shaped cutouts to keyboard? Kinda reminds me of that urban below are none other than yours truly and enhance your viewing pleasure. Enjoy! legend with the burglars, the toothbrushes, and the camera. uck. Are you happy now? Is this what Mr. Andy Martin, my assistant editor. Bree This should be enough material to keep a everyone wanted? For those of you elected to skip this photo shoot because dozen sweaty palmed uber-nerds occupied Oh yeah, I did notice that you guys had who aren't in the loop, I challenged she has some sense of class. Andy and I are until the next Sara Michelle Gellar photo clipped my last editorial and put it up on F not encumbered with any such hindrance. spread. your wall. You highlighted the part where The Underground's editorial staff to contin- ue publishing scantily clad pictures of their The five anonymous ladies were thrown in Oh, and yeah, that is your office. Those I complimented your paper and said that it editor (Karen appeared last year in a biki- to, uh, balance out the picture. You see, Mr. are your couches. Getting in was not a still seems “lacking.” ni). I said that I would publish a picture of Martin and myself are not exactly prime challenge. We took a few pictures around Someone then wrote “at least we have a my hairy ass if they did this. They did. I nude modeling material. I figured that your office and decided on this one brain” below that. Sigh. And just when you have. I even gave them two warnings, but adding 2.5 lovely ladies for each of us because it was pretty hard to see the iMac guys were showing some promise, too. it seemed like they wanted to me in print would do the trick. (poor Katrina!) with my naked ass sitting Remember what I said last year? You can (and how!). You see, you Underground types, the only on the keyboard. Sorry about the 'H' key. I insult Science, but just don’t resort to print- In the picture that they published, you way to beat this is to break pornography guess I got too excited. ing “Science,” “Stupid,” and an equals could plainly see their entire editorial staff laws. That would shut you down. Two Anyways, on to my rants. symbol between them. We’re in university good things, really. In any event, I have ful- now, people. standing in front of the Statue of Democra- The Underground cy wearing nothing but smiles and strate- filled my half of the bet and will no longer He he. B-waaa ha ha ha. gically placed copies of their rag. They said participate in our own little personal arms

Handy-Dandy Photo Cut-outs Instructions for use: 1. Cut out from this paper. 2. Apply in areas of excess hair. 3. Enjoy the lack of pain How to Neuter Your Cat at Home

1. Get a good, trusty softball mitt Trivials and treat it with some fresh tune offal. Michelle LaBounty and 2. Once you've got Kitty by the Graeme Kennedy head, wrap him up in a 4 ft. strip carpet, with his hindquarters About as far apart as genetics can get sticking out. ust to provide the balance that all 3. Carefully wind several yards good newspapers strive to achieve, of waxed dental floss tightly Jwe’d like to print the best useless lies around the scrotum. Tie. that are guaranteed to drop you at least 10%, if not fail you out completely. 4. After about five minutes, sever Using these useless lies is a sure fire bet the testicles with a sterilized pair if you don’t want to go through the trouble of garden pruning shears. of explaining to your parents why you 5. Stuff the open wound with cot- want to move to Egypt and become a goat herder. With only a few of these tidbits of ton wadding, soaked in Beta- human unknowledge, we’re certain you’ll Write for the 432 or we dine™. Undo the dental floss be enjoying a Dean’s Vacation before long. Problem solved. will club this 1. Mongolians are expressly forbidden to Internal Vice President! eat glass. 2. The tallest point on Earth is surprisingly only five feet. 3. Watercress sandwiches are known to cause malaria-like symptoms. 4. Steamy windows are caused by high con- centrations of fish in the atmosphere. 5. The distance between your fingertips, with arms outstretched, is almost exactly the distance between your thumbtips, arms outstretched. 6. If you were to count the grains of sand on a beach, and divide by the number of waves that strike it in a one year period, you would most likely be working for the government. 7. Chitonin, a material derived from mol- lusk shells, is a polymer used in the treat- ment of scarring and severe burns. 8. Tomatoes are a fruit. In fact they’re a real- ly big berry. At least they are this year. 9. Pregnant women should not handle cat litter, lest it lead to birth defects. 10. Issac Newton invented Canasta, but this was not discovered until after his death. Gee, that Tilt-a-Whirl sure was scary, wasn't it, boys? 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Twenty-One Stuff We Can’t Morally Reprint How Just Plain Stupid Are You?

re You a Hopeless Naive Bubble- 12. Ever asked a cop directions to a riot? ure it out? (3) 31. Have you ever shoved six hot dogs up head or an Incorrigible Dolt? Shock (7) 23. Ever try to have sex with a vegetable your nose? (3) Ayour friends. Confuse yourself. 13. Ever masturbated? (1) like a carrot or a cucumber? (1) 32. What the hell for? (6) Interrogate your reflection. 14. Ever masturbated so hard that you for- 24. Ever ask a carrot or a cucumber to 33. Ever been so loud and frantic during 1. Ever tried alcohol? (1) got to breathe and your face turned blue, dance? (4) sex that your neighbours started complain- 2. Spell it. (5) and your mom had to come in and sock 25. Ever lose an argument to a carrot or a ing? (1) 3. Have you ever used alcohol to wash you one? (4) cucumber? (9) 34. Ever been so loud and frantic during down 292's? (2) 15. Um, me neither... 26. Ever gone to the john and then find out sex that, you lost total control of all your 4. Have you ever been so drunk that you 16. Do you read the Ubyssex? (256) there's no toilet paper? (1) bodily functions, and you crashed off the toilet seat onto the floor, on top of the vase- fell down and couldn't get up because you 17. Ever try to chew water? (2) 27. Ever found out there's no more toilet line, and the vaseline squirted out like couldn't remember which way was up? (1) paper, but weren't concerned cause you 18. Ever purchased and used sex toys? (1) water out of a fire hose, all over your mag- 5. Ever done that sober? (5) would wipe twice the next time? (4) 19. Do you consider ham a sex toy? (4) azines, you smacked your sweat-soaked 6. Ever wake up and not remember to 28. Whenever someone says to you "How 20. Ever said anything so stupid that forehead into the bathroom door, forgot to breathe until your face turned blue, and do you do?", have you ever taken more everyone in the room had to just plain stop breathe until your face turned blue and your mom had to come in and sock you than thirty seconds to figure out a) what and stare at your silly ass with a stunned your mom had to come in and sock you one? (7) you do, b) how you do it? (2) look on their faces for what seemed like an one? (19) 7. Um, me neither... eternity? (5) 29. Ever gone down a street with a sign 35. Um, me neither... that says ‘No Exit," then wait for the sign to 8. Ever fall asleep/pass out during sex? (8) 21. Ever do that, and also discover that SCORING Add up all the points until you change back to ‘Exit?' (3) 9. Really? (1) you forgot to wear pants that day? (22) can't count any higher, then take off your 30. Ever get up to speak in front of your 10. What are you, a moron?! (3) 22. Ever try to remember if ‘S' came before shoes and use your toes, too. morning class to find that, to your horror, ‘R' and you had to sing the Alphabet Song If you have made it this far, you're as 11. Ever been in a riot? (1) not only have your forgotten your notes, all the way down to S before you could fig- dumb as a post. but you a lso forgot your pants? (2) Organ Donor Clinic Brock Hall, This Friday Thank you for considering to donate jaundice). Other disorders disqualifying organs. potential donors are hepatitis, cirrhosis, Seven hundred units of organs must be heart disease, diabetes, HIV infection collected from volunteer / legally snared and/or cancer of the organ in question. donors each and every day to meet the Extensive laboratory tests are performed needs of British Columbians. on each organ collected. Organs declared unfit for use are stir-fried discarded You may donate as often as you damn well please, providing you meet our med- Please eat a substantial meal 1 to 4 hours ical criteria for still being alive (or at least before donating (unless, of course, you reasonably fresh). are donating stomach, gall bladder, duo- denum, intestine and/or colon or any por- You must be 17 years of age to donate tion thereof; we have enough shit to deal organs and you may donate as long as with as it is). you can manage to survive, if you are a repeat donor. (Repeat donors are donors The average organ, thanks to our new who have donated something other than operational service contract with Black & their brain, heart or liver, as none of those Decker, takes appoximately 8.3 seconds to have ever even left here, let alone come donate. Please allow at least 5 minutes to back for another kick at the cat.) The age complete the process from registration to limit for first-time donors, quite simply, initial systemic shock and refreshments. does not exist. It is recommended that you refrain from For the protection of both donors and strenuous exercise / eating / breathing / recipients, each donor is screened by the trying to read / conceiving children / nursing staff prior to donating. Jeffrey moving at all (depending on what you Dahmer, Jason Voorhees and Lorena Bob- donated) for 6 to 8 hours following dona- From volume 13, issue 6, front page: bitt need not apply. tion. Please do not sue for at least 24 hours after your donation. A greatly agitated Philip Owen commented, "Good God Christ son Jaundice patients will be rejected (ie. if, of a bitch ass felching cocksucking son of a bag of rotting testicle when walking down the street, a man Please bring with you your organ donor with a suitcase suddenly jumps into your card, valid identification and next of kin tumor fucking fuck shit bag crack whore rotten son of a piss drink- back pocket and says, “To the airport, and (Last Rites performed upon request). ing manure gas ridden cricket bat swinging cholera ridden altar step on it, cabbie!”, you are suffering from boy humping fucking fucker fuck!" The 432 Horoscopes behind you will suddenly touch your lower Your birthday (give or take 6 months) is far- Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Albert Chen back and go all the way down…don't move gone and your graduation day (give or take You will try to find out who is your future - she will leave without taking a thing from 6 years) is far, far ahead. Say, why don't you spouse by standing in front of your mirror you. You will see a donkey the next day. declare tomorrow as there's-nothing-to-cele- before the stroke of midnight and fervently Oh the horror! Then you will see the donkey's identical brate day? Now try to celebrate that…how combing your hair 100 times. (Try it - it real- twin the day after. desperate can you get? Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19) ly works…) You will then find out that your Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22) Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) future partner is really, really, ugly and you Your sex drive will peak within the next can't do anything about it. two weeks. Wow, come to think of it, you I have good news and bad news. One of You will finally get a bitch and encounter could pull off something beautiful and your profs will think very highly of you and tasteful semi-pornographic material every- Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) amazing. Notice I used the word "could", for think of you as the next Mozart while others where you go, and I write all this free of bias. You will finally look and dress like super- you must endure your high sex drive all by will ask you to get a refund from UBC. No Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) models, only to find out that geeky style is yourself; while you may have strong libido, offense, but Mozart probably has no place in in. Stephen Hawkings will design evening science - think about it. Ladies will meet kind, gorgeous, sensitive the stars give you bad luck in romance... gynecologists; men will meet kind, gor- dresses for Chanel. Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22) geous, sensitive gynecologists. Don't blame Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) A man will hate you and try to gore you. Your endocrine system will go wild. You me - it's in the stars. Pisces women will meet and date men who Wait…maybe he is just plain horny…I don't will fall in love with Yoko Ono's work, lis- Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) can understand their feelings. Those males know, the crystal ball is very unclear about tening to her scary songs with pleasure will say something like, "Let's do your hair while everyone else will duck for survival. Guys, you think you are smooth, but your this one. Remember, you would either get come-ons are attracting flies. Also, you will for a change," "Let's focus on YOUR needs," hurt or get laid: hey, one out of two isn't that Heck, solitude isn't bad as long as you have and "Let me do the dishes." However, those your blowup doll(s) handy. die a horrible, horrible death. (See, you want bad. the truth? You can't handle the truth!) Girls new-age sensitive men will also open up Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21) Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) will get lots and lots of chocolates for no their bottle-up feelings and crying like babies 24/7. Pisces men will see dead people. You will order a sandwich. The woman You will have nothing to look forward to; apparent reason, but you too will die a hor- nothing special will happen in your life. rible, horrible death... Does it ever end? THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 18 January 2002 Editors. Because No One Else Will Volume 10 Volume 13 twenty. -ed) my, being founding editor of something as John Hallett I first started writing for this insult to the Bree Baxter profound as Paradigm was… profound. word newspaper way back in issue 7. Then Wackiness occurs. Elections come again Small African Dictator editor Ryan McCuaig ran my very first One More Time and no one runs against me. I almost did- story simply because they were out of filler n't run against me. I won again. The sum- mer, I did the Guide and fell down on the ifteen years already? To fondly quote material and Blair McDonald’s ass was y year. I was elected because no mailing out bit. Motherfuckers. Did 432s Our Lord Jesus Christ: “What the already taking up most of page 6. Thus one else wanted to or cared. In the until I fell off a big cliff in October. Jay fuck?” (Yeah, that’s in the bible. I started the long tradition of 432 editors Msummer, I went to AMS council F being first published because all available meetings for some reason. I lived on cam- offered to edit for the paper, in a way that think it’s somewhere towards the back.) pus. As I had no idea what I was doing, was COMPLETELY JOKING AND IN NO The current editor wants me to wistfully filler was used and giant swaths of white John Hallett edited for a while. Yah John. WAY SERIOUS so I said fine and quit. I reflect on my 1.5 years in the Editor’s Chair space are generally frowned upon in the Time passes. I take on editorship of the then proceeded to have the best set of (There actually was a real, bonafid Editor’s print media. paper. During this time Paradigm was cre- semesters EVER at university and graduat- It took just three short years for me to Chair, it was blue, had “Editor” written on ated, of which we produced two issues and ed. Yay me. it, weighed a tonne and smelled like my climb the corporate ladder and be elected ass. It was “retired” shortly after I graduat- Editor. (In all truth, it took just three short ed). years for me to destroy my liver and kill My TV has PMS Reflections, memoirs, jolly memories of enough brain cells so that “Editor” sound- My other main source of entertainment is the time Jer and the Assistant Editors ed like pretty decent idea). Volume 10, Andy Martin also quite alive and misbehavin'. Many jumped out from behind the desks and quite frankly, rocked your world and it was women consider the television their main surprised me on my birthday. The kind of all because of me. A lot of people will give $6 Man competitor for their man's attention. I thing that ex-Presidents write about when due credit to the likes of Jer, Jake, Craig argue that my TV is female, and believes Temple, Matt Wiggin, Phil Ledwith and they get put out to pasture. 've had to deal with a lot of odd people we have a serious relationship. We'll be sit- the rest of the cast of idiots. But, in reality, Well fuck that. My 18 months at the helm in my life. Life forms with unrealistic ting there, watching 'the Family Guy', or those were just my many pen-names. Yes, I another of my favourite cartoons, together. of this pathetic rag where sheer hell on expectations and points of view so dis- single-handedly wrote all 13 issues. I’m I Then all of a sudden, I get some major sta- earth. It was chock full of all-nighters, high torted, I wonder why someone hasn't *that* good, people. tic off her, interfering with my watching stress, ugly nudity and even threats of taken them down to ye olde dark alley the show. The distortion is louder and legal action from almost every organized Why am I telling you all this now? To set until they got a little more in tune with more irritating than anything else she ever group on campus. The only semi-amusing the record straight, I suppose, and to what doesn't piss people off to the point of says. Through trial and error, I know what thing Jer ever did on production night was demand the long overdue respect and violent retribution. People like this drive to do to make her happy, I have to press on drink two bottles of rum and wet himself. money that I deserve. Then the whores. me to often want the company of the her sweet spot on the underside of her After attempting to have sex with Jake. Mmmmmm.... whores. machine, the straightforward, logical case, and the distortion goes away for a bit. Really. In reality it wasn’t even that amus- That’s about as much wistful wandering annals of interaction (though ironically, it's But sometimes, my baby wants more, and ing. down memory lane as I can stand. I should often these irritating people that are more just touching her there isn't enough. She go home now so I can be at work tomorrow involved in technology than I am). Even after all that, there are times that I wants it rough. So to keep her happy, I on time. Here’s some sage advice for all of Yessir, strike a key, get a letter. Put tape in, severely regret ever handing over the helm have to smack her case and screen a few you: never, ever graduate. If possible, go to hit play, get 63:27 of your expected music. to Jer Thorp, then Craig Temple (the list times while pressing extra hard on the Push the button, puree the hamster. If peo- just continues downhill from there). Usual- grad school and perpetually live off of gov- sweet spot. Then she'll be happy for ten ple followed these same specifications in ly I get these feelings while reading the erment grants. God knows I wish I did minutes, when she starts begging to go at it interactions with me, I'd be a straight-A current paper or thinking about Dan’s that. again. Luckily, when our 30 minutes are student, have a 6-figure salary, and enjoy a sense of humour. Sad, really, in so many up, I can turn her off as easily as I turn her positive view-point of the opposite sex. ways. on. And she comes with a mute button too! Well, we fall a little short of that blissful Well, I guess I could take some time out to Believe it or not, John actually misspelt “edi- goal line here, don't we? And my car stereo was programmed as a go over some of the more salient memo- rich snot that must be appeased. And the tor” as “edetor” in his first issue. But I see now that even technology has ries. Just for old times sake. Well, old times more you appease it, the more it wants. -ed turned on me. My machines are no longer sake and the 50 dollar bill Dan just handed They're all really stupid requirements, but perfect. me. (Doh. That was supposed to only be a if I want anything out of him, everthing's The balanced [action] -> [expectect reac- gotta be just right, no matter how stupid. It tion] is replaced by something much more started a year ago, when he started refus- sinister. They don't act mechanically at all. ing to play out of the passenger-side speak- Volume 14 They act…human. Machines have not just er. I learned that pressing the 'bass-treble' evolved a soul, but bad attitudes as well. I knob would return music for a while. paper with just my wits and a whole lotta didn't upgrade them, and I sure didn't Don't ask me how, it just did. But soon Jay Garcia Dr. Pepper. want it, but they just kinda came into enough, pressing it just wasn't good Thankfully, Andy Martin was around and being. Stuff just seems to happen that enough, and it required me to shove a pen Still Here offered to co-edit the paper with me, makes no sense at all. Maybe if I wasn't a cap inside to keep the funk going. When he resulting in a lot less potential bloodshed student and could afford to replace every- got bored of that game, he decided to make an tells me he wants three hundred during the long, harrowing production thing the minute the hint of life appears. the tape player fade in and out at his whim. or so words outlining the events weekends and subsequent Paste-up Mon- But I am and I can't. It's now gotten to the point where I have to Dsurrounding my co-editorship of days. The first life to evolve was my radio, push on the bass knob, have the fan set to The 432 with Andy Martin, during the Unfortunately, both Andy and I were, at which was made a brat. It has never grown 'II', and be driving between 70-80 for any period between October 2000 and April sort of decent sound. this point, both graduated from this fearful up, even at the ripe old age of ten radio 2001. Dan also informs me that he wants institution, and were gainfully employed - years (which translates to three human As time keeps marching forward and the my honest reactions to said events. he with NMFO (the National Marine Fish- reincarnations). It misbehaves only when present is the future we imagined not so When he called me up about the 432 15th eries Observatory) and I with a local soft- I'm not looking. Like that apple-polisher long ago, we are faced with the upcoming Anniversary Superissue and asked me for ware company. The upshot of this meant kid we all hated in kindergarten. Nice next great leap of evolution, the point at any contributions, I responded the only that I had to work on the paper after class- when the teacher's around, a complete which a living species fabricates another way that a sane ex-editor could; with hor- es (which meant after work as well), while bitch when the teacher steps out. When I'm intelligent life. Well, we've already done it. within arms reach, it behaves nicely. Good rible, shaking laughter - the laughter of a Andy was away in the North Sea, surviv- I just wish we had thought about it first. It's reception and clear sound. But when I'm man who has looked onto the face of evil ing 25' waves (for those of you of non-nau- not quite terminators taking over the further away, the reception seems to stray. and survived, but not escaped unscathed. tical bent, that means the height difference world, but it's almost as irritating. It's just plain out weird. I'll be listening to At this point, Dan resorted to more between the base and the crest is actually We all remember the First Nations' belief whatever rock station that isn't playing a unseemly measures. While I have no clear 50'). that all inanimate objects have a spirit, Dis- winning rock group ('what rhymes with recollection of the last several hours, I'm neyfied by 'Pocahontas' in the musical Thus, the paper remained an exercise of "I'm gonna kill myself over the fact that my number as she talked to the rocks and trees fairly sure it involved Lana in a bikini, a putting off production weekend for as long girlfriend broke up with me, all because before getting her freak on with Long John tub of whip cream, and, ultimately, chloro- as humanly possible, cajoling regular writ- my mommy spanked me for stealing cook- Smith in one of the finest brown-sugar form. ers into coughing up an article or two, and ies when I was 5"…?'); enjoying the music, pieces in modern adult theatre. Oh, I am currently tied down to a chair in the trying to generate as much of the content and the song will slowly start turning from whoops, that the 'Pokeherhotass' Disney undergraduate office, ensconced within while hopped up on caffeine and sleep- crunching chords to public access jazz, Special Ed. DVD, but you can see how I can the publishing room, with my beloved deprivation, a tradition begun by Blair which ranks just below the 7-beer-to-the- make that mistake. Sega Dreamcast held hostage at sledge- McDonald and continued by both Dan and wind 'Back in Black' cover in listenability. hammer point. So I'm writing this article. Lana to this day. Shocked, I'll turn around, grab the radio to But maybe our machines just need our love and attention, to just feel our touch. I took on the job of editor when I made a It's good to know that the paper has sur- smack it good. Then the second I touch it, We take such advantage of them, and sarcastic, offhand comment to ex-editor vived this long; it's even better to know it turns right back, and acts like it never never give them a single compliment. that the kids working on it are carrying on stopped the rock at all. I give it the eye and Bree Baxter about taking over the paper; Maybe they act better with a little love. in the best possible tradtion of 432 Editors: a warning, put it down, and take a step something along the lines of "First the 432, Like the way that some people believe that and then the World!", punctuated by evil cantankerous, harried, and often drunk. back. As I turn away, I hear the station start to change, and I jump back towards it, plants grow better when you talk to them. laughter. At this point, Bree handed over Here's to another 15 years of the paper. No offense, but anybody who talks to the reigns of power, leaving me abruptly in automatically send the music back to what Hopefully I won't still be writing for this I want. What a prick. plants probably sees some much more the lurch, holding the bag, running the paper then. screwed up shit than just bigger plants. 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Twenty-Three Mundane Dumpster

interested in receiving SUS news and other I guess you should have a good reason President important information for Science students Senator though. And here it is...Science Week! Yes, you can sign up to receive the newsletter I have become yet another shamless plug- Reka Sztopa by sending an email to majordomo@inter- Timothy Chan machine for Kelowna Mike and his min- hope that you had a great holiday and change.ubc.ca with the following in the ey hey kids! I hope everybody had a Papa Smurf for the entire week, the least Ithings happening this term in the Sci- Finally, I would like to encourage all of Hgood holiday and got everything we can do is humour him. So if you only ence Undergraduate Society. you to take a little time to get to know your they wished for from Santa. Well, second do one fun thing this month, make sure We are gearing up for an amazing Science Science Undergraduate Society this term. term is now upon us and I expect every- you go on a ski trip. But if you do two fun Week full of academic and social events We have new furniture in our office in body to have made a resolution not to fall things, make sure you check out Science organized for you. There will be more Klink 202. We now have two public access behind in your schoolwork this year. Oh Week! information in the next few weeks so keep computers with email, internet and who am I kidding. If you must fall behind, your eyes peeled for information on our word/excel capabilities as well as a printer, website, www.ams.ubc.ca/sus, or on cheap photocopier, cheap pop machine, Second, the SUS Info mailing list is up and posters and flyers all over campus soon. free water cooler, free phone, quiet study So-Co running. The first email was sent out last Thursday as a welcome to the list. Emails Now that we have over 6,000 students in space, meeting space and lounge space all Katharine Scotton will be sent weekly and will contain news Science (approximately 6,500) we are enti- for your use and convenience. ello, wecome to another edition of and events important to science students. tled to a 5th seat on AMS. That means that You can check out our website or contact exec reports... Any SUS club wanting their events listed there will now be 5 Executives sitting on us at [email protected] or can email me at [email protected]. AMS Council representing YOU! 604.822.4235. If you have any questions or H I only have a couple of things to tell you COME TO COLD FUSION, WE COM- We are currently compiling the results of comments that you would like to discuss all this week. MAND YOU, OR WE’LL SHOW YOU the Science survey and will be releasing with me personally, please do not hesitate THE PICTURE OF JOHN HALLETT ON them as soon as possible along with the to contact me at First off, COLD FUSION! We’ve got Gob, THE COUCH AGAIN! and we know you name of the Mystery Prize Draw winner. [email protected]. we’ve got Static in Stereo, and we’ve got Exithiside! Tickets are going to go fast, so don’t want that... Also, our first official weekly newsletter Have a great few weeks and see you dur- pick them up soon, for only $15, what a See you all at Cold Fusion then, was sent out last Thursday night. If you are ing Science Week Jan 28th - Feb 1st. deal! All the info you need is on the back of Kat this here fine paper. Giddyup. in early January. [email protected] VP Internal First Year Committee has had its first Brian MacLean meeting of the new year and meeting times 24. Both challenges include five events will continue to be at 5:15 pm on Wednes- Sports completed with teams of six to ten people. ot much to report for the Academ- days in LSK. (New members are welcome.) There will be sign up sheets in SUS, and ic Committee. We will be holding a The First Year Committee will be taking Kristin Lyons there are also registration forms available NFaculty Wine and Cheese in early part in Science Olympics on February 1st. hope you have all signed up for intra- at the SRC. These challenges can be a lot of February and we will be calling for appli- mural leagues! Science is currently in fun, and are especially good for those indi- cations for the new SUS Awards some time Ifirst place in the sports points stand- viduals who don't have time to participate ings, but Gage is a very close second, so in leagues. AMS: lets keep those sports coming. Upcoming VP External The AMS is gearing up for this year's Lastly, the sports rebate deadline for term intramural events include Rainfest and two rebates has been set for March 15 at round of elections. There is going to be at Winterfest. Rainfest is a water sport team Michael Groves least 3 slates seriously vying for the oppor- 12pm with no exceptions! For those of you challenge with the registration deadline Science Week: tunity to manage your student society. who don't know, SUS gives out rebates to There are at least another 3 who will be being January 29, and with the event science teams at the end of each term. To ust as a reminder, Science Week is the hopefully making this process a little more occurring on Thursday, January 31. Win- get your rebate, put your receipt, your week of January 28th - February 1st . entertaining. Please get in the know and terfest is an ice sport team challenge with This year, Science Week will include the team roster, and the name, phone number J vote. Campaigning begins Monday, Janu- the registration deadline being January 22, and email address of the person I'm writ- golden oldies like the UCS Magic Show, ary 14. The voting begins Monday, January and with the event happening on January ing the rebate to into my mailbox in SUS! PhysSoc Paper Plane Contest and Cold 21, and ends Friday, January 25. Fusion (feat. GOB) as well as the revival of the CompSci Scavenger Hunt. This year's Also, Translink is prepared to return to negotiations with the University and the ning of this month, as were the 2000-2001 charity Canadian Gene Cure Foundation Finance grad fee rebates. We still have a little bit of and there will be various fundraisers to AMS for a U-Pass. This would entail that money for clubs leftover and the 2001-2002 amass funds to that cause. One main one is every student at UBC would pay a flat fee May Tee the charge of admission by donation to and your student card would become a bus grad fee rebates to deal with, but that will SUS's new event, Jell-o Wrestling. Yes, see pass. More details from those negotiations appy new year everyone! SUS is come in the Part II portion of these alloca- men and women go toe to toe in that love- will come soon. already into its third quarter this tions. SUS Club and Conference Grants ly blue Jell-o for a small donation. Stay Finally, the AMS Mini School is open Hyear, so I spent a couple of days (Part II): coming soon to a SUS Council tuned for class announcements, posters, again this year with classes on First Aid, preparing a Third Quarter Finance Report meeting near you! and Papa Smurf to make appearances on Web Design, and Sign Language. More for your enjoyment. With regard to spend- Anyway, enough about finances. Make this and other events. details can be found at the AMS website: ing, we’ve done quite a bit of it, especially sure you give these 432 people a big pat on www.ams.ubc.ca. with the new fridge, computers, furniture, the back if you see them. While we were all Other than that, things are uneventful. The and all those wonderful items we’ve pur- partying during the break, the 432 editors Sexretary executive have been rather quiet lately, and chased for our new office. This 15th were at the SUS Office preparing this fine most of my lacerations have healed. I’m Anniversary 432 is costing a bit, too, so issue of the 432—a celebration of fifteen Corrie Baldwin glad they are preferring the cat o’ nine to make sure you cherish this issue once years of amusing, bewildering, and main- the bullwhip these days. If any of you want i, everyone. I’m really excited about you’re through with it :) taining the sanity of UBC Science students. to ‘try out’ and get naked, come to council getting to see a bunch of Beta boys The 2001-2002 SUS Club and Conference Happy 15th birthday to the 432, and happy get naked in council on Thursday. Thursdays, at 1pm in SUB Council Cham- H bers Grants (Part I) were allocated at the begin- spending :) Millenial Grumblings ty years too soon, if you ask me), the return Personally, I'm a little pissed off at all the Oh well; given that other visions of the Jay Garcia of glam fashion, and, oh yes, reality-based broken promises of the twenty-first centu- future have us smack dab in the middle of television. ry. I mean, where are my flying cars? I was World War III or being exterminated by Off in the Clouds Overwhelmed, I'm not. promised flying cars. None of this "hovers sentient machines or overrun by genetical- ten feet off the ground for half an hour and ly engineered soldiers, led by a man who The only thing that seems to have the feel runs out of fuel" nonsense. looks suspiciously like Ricardo Montalban, Two weeks into the new year gives one of the future is the internet and all the I'll be happy to put up with the occasion enough perspective to determine, with increasing digitization in our lives. At no How about cloud / underwater cities? "l33t hax0r" who smack-talks me while some degree of accuracy, the character and previous time in our history have we, as a Television shows from the 80's said we'd be playing Unreal Tournament and down- temperment of the year just gone by. All in species, with the click of a button, been living underwater to avoid population loading mp3's. all, I've got to say that, for a potentially able to harvest the entire accumulated pressure, and high in the sky on cities portentious year, 2001 was a honkin' huge knowledge of mankind at our fingertips; perched on stilts. Maybe having "The Jet- But I have hope; even now, astronomers disappointment. however, despite all this knowledge and son's" as a model for a twenty-first century are looking to place an observatory on the I mean, 2001 was the turn of the century. information, the grand experiment in the utopia might not have been the most prac- far side of the moon; and if all goes well, We were officially stuck into the twenty- entanglement of social order and informa- tical thing upon which to pin one's hopes, they may encounter a black monolith hid- first century, but where were the dramatic tion technology has shown that the vast but it's better than the current alternative den in the lunar sands… milestones? The early twentieth century majority of the populace will use this of mediocrity - urban sprawl, inner city Jay wanted to be an astronaut, but it turns saw the birth of flight by two bicycle mak- power to download pornography, steal blight, and the rampant increase in hous- out you can’t pull a crazy ivan in a spaceship, ers at Kitty Hawk; the rise of rampant elec- music and copyrighted software, and oth- ing to the point where renting becomes so while he kicked their asses at first person tric power, and the overwhelming domi- erwise bitch and moan at each other with impractical and children are forced to live shooters, the shuttle simulator predicted a nance of corporations. Compare that to the the collective intelligence of a retarded ten- with their parents just to make ends meet. 98% probability that he would cost over a bil- opening years of the twenty-first, and what year-old with Parkinson's. Besides, the Yep; so far, this twenty-first century thing lion dollars in equipment. Per annum. He did- have we got? The rebirth of grunge (twen- Internet was so twentieth-century. hasn't been living up to all the hype. n’t get the job. -ed '/

h to you 'by- the Sconce ,Un onsored #n part by Russell Brewing and the AM