The 432 Fifteenth Anniversary Super-Issue VOLUME FIFTEEN ISSUE EIGHT 18 January 2002
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The 432 Fifteenth Anniversary Super-Issue VOLUME FIFTEEN ISSUE EIGHT 18 January 2002 In this issue: Social Darwinism Rehash What Alcohol Does to the Creative Process and soooo much more... “You only lie to two people, your girlfriend and the police.” -Jack Nicholson North Shore Search and Rescue Implements ‘Darwin Clause’ ‘Dumbasses’ to be Left to Die North Vancouver (Reuters) lic money. And ninety-percent of these res- representative stated: return nearly $500,000 to North Vancou- fter years of budget crises and cues are for people who deserve to be left “If you're honestly lost, through no fault ver’s municipal budget. This additional upcoming cutbacks, the North to the fruit of their stupidity. These cut- of your own, then sure, we'll come and cash is expected to go towards increases in Shore Search and Rescue team backs will help ease the workload of the help you. That's what we're here for and it other services. A underappreciated volunteers, as well as finally came to a decision that says that gives us a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. “Maybe we can afford that fourth lane they believe will not only dramatically cut add a little chlorine to the gene pool." But if I had to save one more dumbass who now,” commented resident, Barney Glotz. their budget, but provide a service to the As expected, reaction to these new regula- thought it would be cool to wander along Another option includes adding a third community as a whole. tions has been varied. the rocks just before the tide comes back in, bridge to the North Shore. There is a The number of rescue operations contin- "I don't like it," said Rodney Gerwigger, a in spite of posted warnings then we will potential problem with this choice, howev- ues to increase annually, requiring more walking nightmare of a gene pool who was see how quickly the dumbass learns how er. to swim. Dumbass.” and more resources and taxpayer dollars rescued from the far side of Cypress “If we do that, then there is one more every year. Statistics also show that the Mountain last year after becoming lost Additional proposed changes would brigde for dumbasses to fall off of, or to number of operations involving rescue of while blatantly disregarding the numerous include actually hampering people who run into with boats, or what-have-you,” complete dumbasses doing things they warnings to not leave the marked ski area, through sheer luck managed to get out of stated the North Shore representative. “We were warned repeatedly not to do has also “I mean, we always gonna go out of really stupid situations, such as causing an have to look in to how much this will affect risen sharply. bounds, it's cool to give authority the fin- avalanche by yelling “riiiicola” and getting our search and rescue expeditures in light To counter this rise, the North Shore ger and all that. Now, the authority says it caught in it and somehow riding it down, of the new Darwin Clause. We just don’t Search and Rescue team has implemented won't rescue us from that? We could actu- or escaping a bear attack by yelling at it have those numbers, yet.” ally, like, be in real danger." and frightening it with horrible morning a Darwin Clause in which anyone who “I am not sure who thought up that dumb breath. needs rescuing due to their own retarded “Maybe you should obey the signs, dumb- idea,” said a lowly, nameless Translink activities will be abandoned to the ele- ass,” retorted the spokesperson for Search “These people, while lucky, don’t really official. “Bridges cost far more than ments. and Rescue, “and here’s a finger for you deserve to survive, so we will be using $500,000. That doesn’t even begin to cover "If you do something stupid, I mean real- too.” He continued on to say, “N.S. stands some of the helicopter time freed up by the the kick backs.” for North Shore, but it also stands for Nat- Darwin Clause to fly the real dumbasses ly dumb-assed, why the hell should we Another alternative is buying Andy Mar- ural Selection. I think the two should go out to remote islands by themselves. If come get you?" Dave Gallant, acting Presi- tin 250,000 beer. While Mr. Martin was not hand-in-hand.” they make it back, great. If not, the human dent of North Shore Search and Rescue, available for comment, it is reported that gene pool isn’t penalized just because they stated in an early morning address on the “Dumbass,” he added. he is in favour of plan. had dumb luck one time,” continued the stairs of North Vancouver Community When asked to elaborate on the new poli- NSSAR representative. “Dumbass.” Hall, "The average rescue takes 150 volun- cy, specifically regarding to whom it would teer man-hours, as well as $50,000 of pub- apply, the North Shore Search and Rescue Overall, the changes are expected to Lousy Parents Let Kids Kill Selves Orlando, Florida (Reuters) explained Bernice Bleinsten, who was busy n another tragic occurrence that is gossiping with her best friend next door becoming all too common, a child is when her son was shot, "he was always dead after being shot with his parents' using violence in the place of good writing I to sell his works, for warping our chil- unguarded firearms while reinacting a scene from popular media. dren’s minds. But then I realized that my shitty parenting was to blame. I mean, Justin Bleinsten, 8, and his brother James, what kind of person just leaves weapons 9, (who's last name was not released as he around the house? I should be put away." is a young offender) were re-interpreting the dramatic final scene in Shakespeare's "We shouldn't have kept loaded guns Hamlet using their parents’ pistols, which where the kids could play with them. were ludicrously left somewhere where Because of us, our beautiful child is gone the kids could get to them. Unbeknownst forever. We're just horrible parents and to them, their father had left the guns should never have been allowed to have loaded for some asinine reason. kids." Orlando police released a statement short- U.S. Senators from both sides of the house ly after the death of James Bleinsten was echo their statements. "Mr. and Mrs. Blein- announced: "It appears at this time that sten are just total asswipes, and the coun- Justin, who was pretending to be Laertes, try should take all steps to make sure peo- aimed the gun at James and pulled the trig- ple like them are never allowed to influ- ger. Tragically, and stupidly, the gun was ence our younger generation again. They left loaded and James suffered a bullet are but one example of the narrow, suffo- wound to the left lung. He died in inten- cating zealotry masquerading as modern sive care two hours later." parenting," Senator Dick Powell (R-Mis- souri) stated from the steps of capitol hill. "At first, I blamed Shakespeare," 18 January 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Three Looking Back So, into the workforce I goes. I spend my details. Only three weeks in, damnit, but Bree Baxter days copy-editing press releases for a news I've got most of it down. company downtown (My office is so cool, The world o' finance is full of rich white One More Time we're on the 15th floor and have an awe- guys, but as a poor girl from a construction some view of everything. We can see family who has lived on the lower of the weather coming three days away). Having income scale for nigh on 20 years and who s the 432 reaches its 15th year, I worked on the 432 for over three years couldn't afford to go to university even as I took some time to look back at now, I am intimately knowledgeable of bad went to university (and sure as hell could- Awhat university gave me. Besides writing, so the job was easy to get into. We n't afford the bus strike, but that's for $25,000 of student debt, I have a bachelor's deal with financial news, stocks and bonds another story that I'm sure you've already degree and the odd friend (friends who are and shares and takeovers and such. Last heard), I'm used to being fucked over by odd?), plus bragging rights. For some rea- Tuesday at 3:29 p.m., I came to the realiza- the Man. I think in about two years I'll son, having a degree at the provincial uni- VOLUME FIFTEEN tion that the financial business is less about know enough about the system to stage versity makes someone "more important" math and education and more about gos- my own "hostile takeover." I know how to ISSUE EIGHT that the joe who went to one of the col- sip and strategy. "Who is the stunning fix the world and the only way I can do it leges, like Langara or Kwantlan. It's not company with the tight assets who pulled is to be Queen. But less "powerless figure- 18 JANUARY 2001 about the training we receive, as someone a hostile takeover last night, then danced head" and more "representative of God on who took computer science at UBC or at the night away with all the lovely invest- earth motherfucker".