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Published By The University Of Surrey Students' Union Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts

^^ reply to Ralph Swallow l^ear B.F Letters ^ In reply to the letter, printed in last Swallow this Ralph, weeks bare facts iirom the Russki Kruz- hokCommittee (R.K.C). We thank you for your commenls on our performance. However, many I would just like to enquire whether people (judges included) commented infact the Soviet Unicxi is such a dire that our musicianship was vastly supe- place that on their last visit they forgot rior to that of the other bands présent. to bring back their sense of liumour. To give us first prize, however, would Their bitter and sarcastic reply to lan be seen as taking too dangerous a Herberts and Ralph Hollands letter stance. Too radical perhaps, a little bit would suggest that this assumptionis too "left-wing". true.

We are pleased that you found our I would say that it was fairly ob- compositions humorous. Indeed, hu- vious to the majoriy of B.F readers that mour was perhaps one of the elemental lan and Ralph's letter was intended as psychological characters we were a lightheaited poking of fun at Soviet trying to portray. However, this facet lifeandnotas an immature, selfpitying, The opinions expressed on alone offers a wholty inadequate repré- moan, a serious proposai to set up a these pages do not sentation of our wOTk. Russc^hobe soc, or a deep and cutting necessarily reflect those of criticism of the R.K.C as the said so- the Editorial Board. In brief, our ideal was to simulta- ciety would have us believe from theiri neously unleash a number of disparate letter. " yet individually stnictured musical events. We sought musical and poetic I^ear Editor, The fact that lan and Ralph have représentations of two primai desires: managed to keep their sense of humour We are writing in response lo your the sexual and the aggresive. We then to me shows far more personality and comments in last week's Bare Facts sought to contain these elements with- character than anyone from the R.K.C conceming the actions of the Bunnie in an ordered musical structure (as the has yet to show even if tiiey do feign to Protection League which you have so individual seeks to contain such desires "appreciate their (lan and Ralphs) at- eloquently characterised as "rather within his normal social character, and temps at humour." (This comes rich militant" and "vandalistic." as the world seeks to, via the law, from people who obviously wouldn't wbether written or unwritten. recognise humour if it w^e to poke According to the CoUins Concise them in the eye!) Dictionary the words you have used As Mr. Swallow will have duly imply aggression and violence, actions noted, the simultaneous portrayal of as- As regards the R.K.C*s point that which deviate far from those of our pects of these psychological elements League - how can a drawing of a red "there were few events organised last produces only chaos, whether in music year" from which lan and Ralph could bunnie cause the least bit of intimid- or reality. Schpoenhauer insisted that have possibly gained a wrong impress- ation or threat! the only way to end human suffering ion of the USSR, may I suggest that was to end human desire. next year there are perhaps mwe occa- Also about the message on the wall sions where info, can be gleaned so that - well it was not sprayed but painted(!) Henee, Adam's incantations to students visiting Russia for the fu-sti - rather artistically may we add! - on a "die" juxtaposed with references to the lime will be more prepared. Although l' carefully chosen area on the side wall sexual and aggressive, and ultímately don't see how anyone can be expected that would eventually be bricked up. Is the role of "Stage Crew" in bringing the to be adequately prepared for a lifestyle this and a couple of poetic rhymes the conflict to its logicai resolution. In our that is so radically différent from the actions of a vandal? Or are the drawings musical microcosm, the musicians rep- western way of living. of the bunnies at the entrance of the resent différent aspects of the individ- University path damaging any ual. whilst "Stage Crew" represent Speaking from a personal view- property? - on the contrary they have another force: by bringing the conflict point lan and Ralphs letter was more given a bit of life to the rather dull Yor- to a head, the musicians force these likely to encourage a visit to the USSR kies Bridge! harbingers of Schopenhauerian gloom than any effort from the R.K.C, as they to invade the stage, bringing ultimate However we cannot but agree with have shouted that it is possible to laugh release from suffering and conflict your last comment - "il is amazing what as well as leam. Perhaps when they sug- through a "musical annihilation": ie. bunnie wunnies can do these gested they had been set up to help Rus- cutting the power off. days!",considering some of ihem are sians students "get togeiher and have a having their exams as we are speaking ! bit of fun", they meant only in Bitain We hope this has clarified the situ- and not, oh perish the mere thought, in ation. the USSR. Best wishes John Piunkett Karen Huime BPL- in conjunctlon with John iHide the Stag Hill Bunnies!! Paui Paragen bare facts Friday June list 1991 Editorial Surrey to have links I hate this sodding computer! with Kiiigston Well, Tm not sure when you will ac- lually be able lo gel BF this week since The Vice-Chancellor and the Direc- and degrees will continue to be Sur- the ever-so-reliable computer decided tor of Kingston Polytechnic, Dr. Bob rey degrees; however David Smith did to throw its lalest fiL This led to the Smith, have had informai discussicxis not deny that in the long term future mouse not working, then it wouldn't where it has been agreed that there there may be an institudonal merger be- load and then to top it ali off, it decided shouid be collaboration between the tween Surrey and Kingston. lo wipe half the files off at a point where two institutions. This shouid then lead Kingston, with over 4500 students it was nearly fìnished! Apologies to to "grassroots" co-operation at faculty and even more accommodation prob- those poor people in the office who had level in the future, according to David lems than Surrey, has an excellent répu- to put up with my moaning and wailing Smith, the Vice-Chancellor's assistant. tation in comparison with other polys. and above ali cursing. Anyway, after This will lead lo many advantages, The impetus for the move has come what seems like billions of hours re- for example allowing extra options to from the recent govemment white doing it ali, I suppose it must have be offered, either at Surrey or Kingston, paper which will allow mosi polytech- worked or other wise you wouldn't be for the benefit of students at bolh in- nics to cali themselves universitìes in- reading this now. stitutions. This wouid gain in import- three years time. Ok, moan over! Anything else.... ance as more departments switch lo erm... well... ali the set plans we had for modularìsed assessments, as students •ave Gent ichanging BF next terni have slowly will then be able io do options at either drifted out of the window and been re- institution, either by moving students or pla:ed by 3001 différent ideas bui l'm more preferably staff to and from the re- sure that we'll gel ihere eventually. spective UKCPU's along the good Main debate at the moment is transport links. It will also make trans- whether bare facts shouid become fer from one institution to the other either a magazine, a newspaper or a bit much easier. of boih as it currently is. However this does not mean that the Others... probably a completly new institutions will lose their own idenlity. layout, more photographs, a soap up- date with a différence - we'U be letiing you know whats going on in Ramsey Street and Summer Bay 2 years on. What No Biochemistry We're hoping to create a new feature where the three main party groups on campus will be asked lo give iheir Department ? party's view on a certain lopical issue. Last term, the Biochemistry and will no longer be ninning the lisk of los- There will also be in depth feaiures, the Microbiology departments "joined ing a year through failure of a single création of a music section and basi- forces" to form the so-called "School of subject (as il is currently on the régula- cally loads and loads more(whether Biological Sciences", much lo the sur- tions!), as the différent subjects will be they actually matérialisé is a compleie- prise of the Biochemistry students (and independeni of one another - the sludent ly différent mailer however)! to the horror of the Microbiology stu- will have the chance lo do the unii Righi, changing the topic compleie- dents!). again, however the repetetìve failure of ly, Td just like lo say a special ihank In an exclusive interview with a the most criticai subjects relevant to the you to the following people:- member of academic staff from the for- student's degree may lead lo the award Mike the BF printer for noi blowing mer Biochemistry departmenuMr Gor- of a différent degree than of that origin- his top when the computer explodes and don Hartman explained that the ally decided. BF doesn't gel printed undl well after merging was put forward in an altept to This new system will be put in ef- the prìnting deadline - which is gener- "modularise" the course ,in other words fect next academic year and il will noi ally when l'm editing. adopt a system by which the sludent affect the students already on the Christian Union - for every week will have io accumulate a certain num- course. However next term may find the (without fail), picking BF up, folding, ber of crédits from a range of over 15 unaware first years of a particular stuffing and finally disiributing it ali subjects - some of which will be com- course having to study a compulsory over campus. pleiely new lo the department! subject in greater détail than they might Sean Purdy - for knowing what lo The same choice of subjects will be expect - as they have not yet been in- do when the computer breaksdown, open to ali members of the department formed of the merging of die courses - Neil Bailey, Sare Parson for showing during the first year thus allowing stu- but according to the department in the me what I was supposed to do. dents more time lo decide which course long run this can only prove useful! Andy, Karen and especially Nic they would really like to follow in their (for agreeing to gel us a new computer second year. Furthermore this new sys- Athena - thankfully). tem will enable the exchange of stu- (Ist year Biological Sclentist ?) And finally bui by no means least, dents with other British Universitìes the BF board for ali iheir support, along already on the system and hopefully with ali the BF bods and contributors with universities abroad. who logeiher have made BF each week The other good news is that students possible. Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts BeerFest '91 Short Version Bands Vomit The Beer Fest; what a stonker! The whole day was excellantly or- Nothing about the vomit but a word gainised with live entertainment of thanks should be inteijected here for Long Version throughout the majority of the day. S tage Crew' s performance for, as usual, The 7th Annual Beer Festival and 'Kick Up The Dust', who performed in they set up the nearly faultless sound 5700 pinis (içparenlly) wentdown very the lower bar during the aftemoon, and lighi systems. Congrats go to them weil. Everyone seem^ to have a great played a selection of folk music and had (Smarm.smarm!!). time sampling a range of 30 beers, aies, the traditional nasally sung lyrics about A mention should also be made of lagers and ciders. Each half pint cost Liverpewol! the Beer Fest T-shirts. They wwe so 65p and was drunk from your very own 'The Flowerpot Men' played their populär that by the time I had persuaded Beer Fest '91 mug (il was a pity it selection of classic songs in die after- myself that a pretty cool thing to do seemed that some people needed more noon and again in the evening. They would be to buy one they had sold ouL than one!). The strong "Robinson's covered a range of bands from 'The I even saw someone wearing one on Old Tom" and "Westons Old Rosie" Beatles' to 'Led Zeppelin'. An excel- Sunday. This proves that they are cost 130p per half pint in an attempt to lant rocky to delight the ears as the beers wearable outside the Beer Fest and that disuade people from drinking ihem- delighted the taste buds and destroyed not everyone was too hungover to face selves inlo a siate of severe inebriation, thebraincells.... fresh air and daylight! but, judging from the look of some 'The Jolly Brackwurst' can only be Once again the Beer Festival was a( people this wasn'tcompletely success- described as a bunch of men dressed in resounding success, with most people ful. Liederhosen, who did "endeavour to thoroughly enjoying themselves. As weil as the classic "01d"s Tom, recreate the aunosphere of a genuine Thanks the '91 Beer Fest commitee for Rosie and Thumper there were more Bier Kellar". 'Snatch It Back' played an enormously splendiferous day. unusual sups such as "Staggering in the oui the evening with iheir own style of Dark" and "Sarah Hughes Dark Ruby dancy blues and, although by this lime Dames & Matt Mild". There were also a number of our sense were becoming some what pub brewed beers from the likes of the annealed, got everyone up and bopping P.s. O.K. there was loads of vomit Firkin pubs and the Hedgehog & Hogs- (ail those who could anyway!). too! head ('in Hove actually', and if you're ever that way try their hogbolter, WOW!!)

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ON WEDNESDAY 26 lUNE FOU IR EXCmilG OHE TIME orna OF OILY 20 QDID (INCLDDING GOACR,ENTRYJlND RIDES!!!!!) TICKETS ON SALE FROM TRADIND DESK bare facts Friday June list 1991 mishmash How poor are Surrey What makes a students? What would you be prepared to do radarens, Trius kickti, Trius sneaka- panda sexy? to get fifty pence? rarium and Trius desparatum. Accwding to Mr. Zhang of the Wo- Would you even contemplate pick- Trius radarens will home in on the long panda park, China, Pan-Pan is ing it up from the floor? coin, as soon as it is spotted, widi radar- their most sexy male. He is," unusually In a recent experiment, conducted like precision. Upon arrival, it will active, but tame and gentle." Apparent- by residents of Wey house, it was dis- bend down and reach for die coin, and ly it's in his "bleat." Panda's bleat covered that most people were prepared is generally amused when it realises the while copulating in what one sexist ob- to pick up a coin from the dirty pave- coin is stuck to the floor. The majority server has named the "secretary posi- ment. of those spotted belong to this ck^. tion!" Wolong now anxiously awaits Trius kicku, when it spots the coin, the arrival of his offspring, so far On an ordinary Wednesday after- will approach it and kick at it As soon they've had no success in breeding noon, one of the residents of Wey 1 as it realises that it won't move, the from captive pandas. superglued a fifty pence piece to the pavement, just between Wey house and creauire will walk on nonchalandy, as the Veggie Restaurant. We then retired though nothing had happened, trying to Why are British to our K.U.B.'s to watch. avoid embarressment. As we watched, we noticed several Trius sneakararium is a rare crea- strawberries so types of people, each with their own pe- ture. When it notices the coin, it will culiar characteristics. There were two lurk about, waiting until the coast is nice? broad catagories; those who noticed the clear. As soon as nobody is in sight, it British strawberries grow in the money (genus Trius) and those who will make a quick dash for the coin. colder and more northern range for the didn't (genus Busius) Obviously this is a secretive creature, berry. This means that they mature There are two species in the Busius but will occasionally miss oppor- longer and hence have a stronger, more genus: Busius natterus, and Busius m- tunities. developed flavour. (Like the burgundy shium. Trius desparatum, upon first sight, grape.) They were originally de- Busius natterus is a strange beast is just like Trius radarens. The initial veloped by crossing wild strawberries which tends to walk with others of its characteristics are the same. However, (very tasty!) with large white berries. own kind. They talk so much to each this creature is so poor and desparate Eat them with freshly choiq)ed basil or other that they appear oblivious to all that it will return, with a tool, to forc- with muesli or off the back of your that goes on around them, and therefore ibly remove the coin. When successful, beloved for a tasty alternative to cream ! did not see the money at all. this creature is reluctant to share its Busius rushium, more commonly spoils, even with a co-worker. known as die "hurrier", walks along in So what do our observations show? What to do with a great huny, head held high. It always It would appear that some Surrey stu- appears to be going somewhere, and yet dents really are hard up, and desparate B.F. once youVe never seems to arrive. It was obvious for a measly fifty pence. With the cost by their actions that to look at the of living so high in the Guildford area, perused it? ground was beneath them. perhaps this is further grounds for Sur- Make it into a damn good glider! We now come to the Trius genus, of rey students to receive a London grant! Take 1 page. Fold in half, unfold and which there are four species: Trius Piglet turn over. Fold top comers down to centre crease. Fold down the entire top section. Fold the left halfback, so it lies under the right half. Cut a small square out of the top right hand comer. Open it out again, fold the cut comers down to the central crease. Fold up the tab. Again fold the left half back so it lies under the right half. Fold each side down to form the wings. Aim and throw. Voila! Hours of mindless fun guaranteed. Sport! Show jumping. Paul Darragh, jumping Killylea won the grand prix competition at the Royal International Horse Show in Birmingham. Janet Hunter om Everest Lisnamarrow won her third Queen's Cup, the lady's com- petition and David Broome riding Lan- negan won the King's Cup, the men's competition for the sixth time. Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts Review

Despite the financial woiries of Surrey being broadcast across various national newspapers, quickly dispelled by Sen- Into December, and while most thoughts centred around ate, the first Tuesday in October saw the troops, fully briefed the end of term parties and Christmas meals, not to mention and dressed in violently putrid yellow T-shirts, assembled to hairing around doing all those assignments which should have greet thousands of anxious freshers arriving on campus to been in 5 weeks previously, Karen Williams,VP, mounted a begin the annual battle of how to get everything you'd packed very successful campaign to improve safety on campus. CU inlo a Guildford Court room - if they'd b^n lucky enough to also gave their annual Christmas extravaganza. The Nativity. be allocated a room. Then on to Societies Fayre where the an- nual tradition of first years joining every second society, only never to turn up again was, maintained. Who's ever heard of On returning from the Christmas Vac, we suddenly found unicycling-hockey in any case?? If that wasn't enough, the that the high street Tesco's had been closed, only to be replaced union was quickly plunged into "cone fever." by an even bigger one nearer the university. January also saw the Union being gripped by "Gulf War fever" with motions and counter-motions, being placed before the GM, together with groups going to the No War in the Gulf demos in London. And in scenes of unprecedented interest,these debates were close- ly followed by debates about the Poll tax which were equally passionately debated. BF also came under new editorship, with Smiley coming to rescue the team from lack of leadership apathy .(I don't believe I'm writing this - News£d)

On a very serious note, the union witnessed a stabbing in- cident in November. Meanwhile, Tory MPs were exercising their democratic right to dispose of their leader - an event cel- ebrated on campus in typical "bully" fashion a mere 10 hours after Mrs T's resignation - campus saw Father Christmas, An- neka Rice, Parker, the 7 dwarfs, and 2 munchkins cast their vote as the NUS Winter Conference elections and RAG week coincided. The same week also saw a huge increase in security, with people wandering around corridors trying to look incon- spicuous as the University Chancellor, the Duke of Kent, visited campus.

The normal exodus for home at weekends was cut shot on the first Friday in February when a fom^ inch snowfall meant that students couldn't get as far as Esher, let alone London and the main lines. But this didn't seem to dampen the spirits of those who spent the weekend on Stag Hill. And in the slight- ly (and it was only slightly!!!) wanner climate of the univer- sity hall, "The Importance of Being Earnest" and "Gondoliers" were perfonned by SUDS and G&S. Perhaps Apathy Soc didn't rule OK after all! - it certainly didn't for the candidates in the elections for next years President and Arts & Ents Sec. And neither did it outside University Court where the builders started work on the first phase of new building work. It was also in February when Helyn Rose sadly died. bare facts Friday June list 1991 90-91

As the Summer term began, most thoughts turned to e**ms; however it didn't stop a very successful Free Fest fol- lowed by Beer Fest. Well done Andy! A little earlier, campus also hosted the annual Norwegian parade. Why can't we do something like this?

May also saw one of the best hustings ever, which resulted in the election of Justine to complete the set of 4 sabs for next year, joining Alistair, Giles and Smart And when students, together with the rest of the nation, went to the polls in the local elections, they also succeeded in getting rid of the remaining tory councillor from the local ward, Onslow, helping to end tory domination of the Borough.

The university also went to the electorate - well almost- when it hosted its annual open day for sixth formers. However they weren't the only ones to be visiting campus - BF was also granted an exclusive interview with Desmond and Desdemona Duck, who seem to be a little less militant than üiose "bunnies" in BPL.

While the country followed the fotunes of local "giant kil- lers" Woking in the FA cup, Uni football followers finally saw USSUFC lose to Loughborough, after forcing the replay. Soon after, on the last Friday of the Easter term, campus turned into Red Nose madness.with a stonking amount of money being raised. Then, during the Easter vacation, the BF office was on TV, with Nabil Shaban, an ex-BF Editor, being interviewed in the first of a new series of "When I go to Heaven."

Surrey was also central in the campaign to reform NUS at the NUS Easter Conference - but due to filibustering tactics employed by members of NUS who seem to have a passion about Blackjxx)! in the winter months, it was defeated.

Fare ye well till October, Dave Gent Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts GEM goes to Spain. Careers Would GEM tum down a week in girl from Malaga. Spain? Not Ukely! We also had a day's excursion to So, two of us joined a group of 25 Madrid with a guided tour of the Prado JOB HUNTING AFTER young Europeans-botii from East and Museum: the highlight of which cer- GRADUATION West inEscorial. up in the mountains tainly had to be a 16th century painting near Madrid for a seminar on Minorities by EI Greco (we think), of a flying bird and Regionalism in Europe. carrying a big-mac to a praying sainL It The Careers Service is here to help you after graduation as well as before. After blundering our way across has to be seen to be believed! We are always pleased to see you no Madrid, still slightly tipsy from Dan Towards the end of the week, we matter how Icmg ago - or recently - you Air's alcoholic selection, we missed the went on to discuss the concept of re- first day's session, (Unfortunatly...) but gionalism as a viable solution for a fu- gradual. We can help in a number of arrived in time for a tour of the historic ture European Union, to counter ways. town of San Lorenzo d'Escoriai. The excessive bureaucratic centralisation of typical Castillan streets, lined with power in Brussels. Current Vacancies cafes and bars suited us just fine. Typical evenings found the group That evening, we had a Welcome thoroughly engrossed in intellectual published at fortnightly intervals, is Sangria Party, (very addictive) with conversations drinking Sangria, Vodka the pincipal advertising media for jobs traditional flamenco dancing. It was and Yugoslavian Slivovica, to be fol- for new and recent graduates in the UK. also a great opportunity to meet the lowed by wild dancing during the early We are happy to send it to your home other participants. hours of the morning at the disco's of (in the UK) for up to 2 years or until you Mornings were taken up by semin- Escmal. get your first permanent job. To get ars given by guest speakers focussing In all, it was a very enjoyable and your copy mailed to you, come and see on the problems of minorities in Eu- interesting week of hard work (?) but us in the Careers Service before you rope, including the particular problems also of wild nocturnal escapades. The leave. We will ask you to complete a of the minorities in Spain. The after- group mixed really well and we came simple form and four address labels. noon 'siesta' was followed by small away with many new friends. The level working groups of mixed nationalities of English spoken by the participants Careers Counselling discussing the problems of minorities was very impressive. It was an excellent as experienced in their home countries opportunity to broaden anyones hori- We are always happy to talk to you and attempting to come up with solu- zons- a fantastic experience, and cer- about career problems at any mutudly tions based on common experience. tainly not the last (especially checking convenient time, either face-to-face or These were perhaps the most interes- into the hotel as Vfr & Mrs Smith...). on the telephone. Do remember, ting sessions, as we leamt so much from So, that's all for this year. I'm off to though, that our main expertise is in each other. Yugoslavia in search of Vesna and her careers for new graduates. One evening, we had a very succes- potent Apricot Slivovica. GEM returns ful European party with everyone pro- in October. LOOK OUT! or TERVI- Mutual Aid viding drinks or food from their home SEKS, as they say in Estonia! countries. I seem to remember trying 5 P.S. A list of International Events if it is inconvenient for you to come different types of Vodka-including ex- this summer is on the GEM notice cessive amounts poured by fellow board opposite the Union travel office. to Guildford, there is a Mutual Aid Poles, and then heading for a disco for Adam Bedkowski Scheme with other Universities, Poly- a 3-hour non-stop dancing stint with a technics and Colleges of Education to help each others graduates. Come and collect the leaflet giving details of how this scheme operates. If, however, you encounter any problems with the Animals scheme, do get in touch with me. I can't think of anything particular- about tactics. If you want to find out ly inspiring to say so here's an interes- what sort of tactics then I guess you'll Do keep us infonned about the em- ting quote that I found about humans' just have to come! Finally, although the ployment or courses you enter after use of animals - hope you like it (though Animal Welfare group sympathise with graduation. We have already written to it is possible that you may not):- "Sup- the Stag Hill Bunnies' plight, it must be you about this. Finally, l^t wishes pose that tomorrow a group of beings stated that their campaign has been from all of us for your future careers. from another planet were to land on done on a strictly individual basis. Earth, beings who considered them- However if any bunnies would like to Peter Swift selves as superior to you as you feel join the group they are quite welcome yourself to be to other animals. Would because we would welcome the valu- they have the right to treat you as you able contribution that they have to give, From everyone at BF: treat the animals you breed, keep and especially considering that bunnies kill for food?" John Harris 1946- sometimes appear to be infinitely more Bit hypothetical, but he's got a bloody intelligent than humans. Happy good point Right, on with a couple Have a lovely summer holiday, but other things that I need to mention. try not to eat too much meat, lots of First, that there is an Animal Welfare love, Holiday! and USABS meeting on Monday of Clare P next week (WKIO), at 6.30 in the Nel- Chair of AW. son Mandela room, which will be all

8 Personals Surrey Court • ttìi Paul - How's the aiv pcndìxi Prodi Jìunks tor ali the pa«.tìcc proill?!,..Tb(5 Maybury Ä, • aüd' .iuáí.' ' year at Saln^urys Fun Fest '91 • Dobbin Teani^ (Kazza iWí^f r • • leíate nap/^e^m^ the Mechie)' Sdck to Seal Guy "i W2uit tn pla> with Saturday 22nd June , 12.00ain to ll.OOpm Impressions neigh, your odd shaped balls L.C. ne]f|hn...Tt»mps1 Mogwai, when are you Taking place outside Surrey Court • "To my man in the Friary, going to tum into a grem- you remcmber whal hap- lin after midnight? pened io 'Just Good KLF has got a big mouth Bands Friends'Ìllxxx Geoff - Shut Aef*** up! The Flowerpot Men • ToallyoupeopleinBlack- :Wendl«- Yç^ lULpVE Playing ; w^tCT 3 and afli my friends 15 Kids... cc^e on round Railroad Earth Pi over the Unnws6(tsh) • anytime Thanks for this yearJ To Cary - I'll only live wiü» The Ha-Ha Men those of you wi» are ieav- ijou .ö,exi;.,:ypu^ in^I wish yoù|ll thoi^st: my Redwood for the future. To the rcst dinners for ntòì S^ yp« ^ • i^ts ci love firòni Kii^ pnze1^ srtl^^ fjë rhöli Trousershock BC • Andy Porter - so what number of complete stran- makcs you so; sure that gers at BeerlFest, congra- ( others T.B.A.) you'd be so memo- : ratìe??..^.?? ; :: j^ántrap - Spiyoii'rç talk- • Sàxon 'Spear Scarred' ing to me, btk arc you sure PLUS Bugsies Bar Tony • béttCT: a; spcat. th^ you don'fe; want iânotJîef Barbecue 2 angry womenliL.Kafen ífeirEpui ® Disco by the Bassment • Bccr^drtnkingv Trip fot for a great year. See you at Live GCR Broadcast Chaìqfx^ns Vomiting USBASES • Ai nothing» he doe$ better Mam mìe ùiim Phiiiai bckhi r OKî • Phil-ander copy of T.V

SEAHORSE FUNDAY

Charity Day for G.UT.S. Against Cancer Ciie Sea J^orse Shalford Near Guildford M Saturday 29th June Bar Hours 10'30 to 5=30 7.00 toll'OO Ctí tcq M

LIVE JA2Z LUNCHTIME • Í ^ll-f" • bOunçy Castle n ^ífe-.- ' • at'"' ' ^R- BAR-B-Q for lunch JESTER CAR BOOT SALE 9am toUnoon Cars five pounds, vans seven pounds. HSB BEB gales ALES

fuildford undetected tumour survey g'enerousiy

ALTERNATIVE CABARET IN THE EVENING WITH KEITH DONNELLY Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts bare facts Friday June 21st 1991 Artsroimd Union stufe Hello there! 1 feel moved to write in defence of my mate Nigel (Nige the Rave) Kennedy, following vicious, and moreover unprovoked attacks from such bastions of musical society as John Drummond and so called quality newspapers. There is no evi- dence whatsoever to suggest that our Nige is either a "wanker", a "nouveau Gazza" The Binary Divide - Surrey or a "Liberace of the 'nineties". Any of yoo kool kats what have bought Nige's fab Four Seasons (clever git, that Viv) or have seen the Villa in action, will reckon that Nige is a top animalette. Any bastard that says otherwise is a totally boring kind of Polytechnic*^ cat. To join the Nige Kennedy Fan Klub send a blank cheque to me c/o Bare Facts. The NUS policy document of March off this year c^ed for polytechnics to sels l their services on an equal basis to overseas New members receive a complimentary collaboration album produced jointly by Nige the dilution of the binary divide (the distinction between students, the inherent bias will only be removed with their right and Kylie Minogue, entitled "A nice pair of tits" - a must for any serious record col- universities and polytechnics). The u^ditional Situation clear- to call themselves universities. Government insistence that lector. Monster! ly creates a false impression of polytechnics as second class polytechnics must wait three years before changing their name institutions. As university students, we ali may be a little (when the White Paper legislation is brought before Parlia- Friday 21st June biased - ask yourself how you would feel towards being a Stu- ment) is almost certain to be contested. While it is no longer This Friday and Saturday evenings at 7.30pm in PATS, the Dance Department dent of the Polytechnic of Surrey? The increasing competìtion a case of if, but when the binary divide is to be removed, it present a selection of their travails. Entrance is free, but the number of seats is appar- felt from polytechnics have, however, often nidely awoken seems likely to be sooner rather than later. ently limited to an integer value with a specified upper bound. certain universities to the twentieth Century - with the realisa- Perhaps in anticipation of this time, the University has just tion that they are no longer able to languish in their elitism. revealed plans for cooperation with Kingston Polytechnic. Cooperation between the two institutions rather than the New and joint courses will be developed along with encoura- Tuesday 25th Jime traditìonal denial of the others existence must be seen as being ging access for local students to both insitutions, specially In the Library Gallery a new exhibition opens, featuring the work of Guildford of ultimate mutuai benefit While the Governmental White through links with appropriate colleges and schools. based artist Camille Marquand. Her paintings exhibit a certain implicit femininity, Papers on further and higher education released in May enable but this, as she states, is not overt. Her sources d' inspiration range from Edward Elgarl to mammalian gestation (sic). On Being Poor, Homeless And Jobless - The Wednesday 26th June The music department today produces its annual end of year musical jamboree in Privüege Of Being A Student?! studio one PATS. At 8.00pm admiring Surrey students may attend, free of charge, a Continuing on the theme of this weeks BF on just how poor To the rest of us undergraduates, the problem will be fur- demonstration of all that the music department has to offer! As usual, the lunchtime Surrey students are; more doom and gloom - you think you've ther compounded by up to three years study on a frozen grant, concert will take plxe at 1.00 in PATS. The programme favours Russian composers got problems now! and the possibility of the loss of access funds during our final such as Stravinsky, Shostakovich and Skriabin. Performers are Charlotte Beevor, Dan A report due this week by the Insitiute of Manpower year - all without the social security safety net If the present Hudson, Ian Burdge, Nick Long, Gemma Waldron, Percy Talbot, Sue Watson and Studies will indict that up to one in twelve of Britains grad- econ omic climate continues, it will be increasingly difficult to Ali Morrell. uates will be jobless this year. Surrey has always enjoyed rela- find vacation work - with the distinct possibility of zero income % tively favourable graduate employment rates due in part to the for the summer months. industrial pl acement policy, but final years hardly need be told Before the pledges of the Government's White Paper lo ex- Theatres the recession has lead to serious cutMcks in graduate recruit- pand numbers of students and the range of participation in the At the Redgrave Theatre, Famham, appears Old Herbaceous by Reginald Ar- ment and training across the entire board. system can be realised, NUS calls for education to be reinstated kell, who is not famous for making beer, but for writing Upstairs Downstairs. Finding employment is only one problem. Following the as a right and not a privilege must be answered. At the Thorndike theatre, Leatherhead, there is Niente, a thriller by Nola Baol. removal of income support and housing benefit, coupled with Pretty stwmy stuff, but I hope to keep you informed of de- At the Odeon Bingo Hall, Wonersh, Jeremy Beadle stars in the outrageous farce, the introduction of student loans and the haphazard and inada- velopments in such areas during my time in this post. Ooh Missus. My Trousers Have Fallen Down.' quate access funds last year, many of this years graduates will Stephan Wade At the Yvonne Arnaud theatre in Guildford from Monday, appears Moliere's be in debt to t he Student Loans Company, the banks and most Acting External Affairs Officer. Tartuffe, not a French farce. Go and see it in the spirit of 1992. Glory to Jacques De- certainly their parents! lors! Dawn Truss 2nd Years Personals If you want information from campus (union and univer- ting nowt, zip, zilch, nothing, the big zero and wouldn't that sity) sent to you during your industrial year you must notify be a shame? FBMUwasyou!-J.W. 1 machine^ (aJc^Thel^ge!). me of your address; either put a note in my pigeon hole in union foyer, or write to: freepost. Industrial Year Officer, Union Correct! Who did you UIÄ^? - Wolf, will i^iir paths evtr cross? Love ya, house. University Of Surrey, Guildford, Surrey GU2 5XH. FBM Eirwcn, any chance 1 might "WIN" Matthew D'arcy, "actlng" Industriai Year Officer Stars and Stripes! I will ycu. your affections before you leave? Please encourage your friends, colleagues and one night (p.s. please do the above now!) Kate, we kjiow yotir secret^ stands to do the same. Failure to do so will result in you get- Share and Shai^-Âeîîrl^-.--" | v I hear Cheny He is good with cos- Dave - Ankle socks ?? « (¡Is tard!?! Ntóll - Ycs» I will marry you - Phil Do you think Americans will be able BF Bods, who'S been mining with to understand a Dariitigton accent? BF wasbrou^t to you for the very, ve^ veiy last ti my files !î!! Mark and Kate^ now e verone knows ever hopefuUy on this compu^(!) by: ?!!??!?-BF Bods ^ your seccct! Con^tulaUoRS (and Mark, we know yoursecrélîl r don't soliiaires Icx^ nicel) Smifey; Dave, Sally, Laumnce, FBM, Mano) & Morgan (in spirit), M^a^yStephan, Geoi Mrs X. Hove yôu. Signed Mr$ Y. Liike^ we know you !ook Hkt an À, ; ; Thé only lucky "breaks" be gets American but are you going to sound Phit 'n'Pete, MattandDames, NìcJ, Tracey, Marcel K Matthew ifatày (Cockroach), NDW^^ arclnsn(x)keri . i . i like one when you get back? Any way, E, Figtet, Mac the Krìife, jp JH,PP, Karen H, Adam B, dare Paul P Mike, SHC 40, ni miss you and.especially HAVE A NICE DAY !!î your hygienic (?) kitchen & 'mould P.H. • Beeeee«^ Beeeeeeep t!I!!

16 bare facts Friday June list 1991

What is Pride? PRIDE Twenty-two years ago in New York Kennington Park for die Pride festival WEEK the police raìded The Stonewall Inn, a which starts at 2.30pm. There will be locai gay pub. This sparked off die St- food stalls, bars, discos, cabaret plus a AGENDA onewall riots in June 1969. concert The London Lesbian and Gay Pride Ali in allit is a fantastìc day out and movement was set up to commemorate weil worth going to. The University this and each year people gather in Lon- Lesbian and Gay Soc will be meeting MONDAY24th don to march for Üieir rights. Last year on Saturday 29th June in the Union it attracted nearly thirty thousand foyer at ll.OOam (to catch the 11.26 people. This year that numb«* is expec- train) and head into London for a fun Possible speaker from LAGER (les- ted to increase. day out! bian and gay employment rights) The march this year starts near Tempie tube station on the Embankm- Laurence Winch ent and sets off at 1.30pm U) march PF Editor TUESDAY25th through Westminster and ending up in Banner painting in the union (maybe!). We did this last year and it went down quite well! WEDNESDAY 26th

Pride in conjunction with OFU presents "My Beautiful Launderette". The film teils the story of an English and an Asian man, their relationship and the problems they face. THURSDAY 27th

A trip down to the pub! !. After the weeks actìvities, everyone has a rather dry throat! Thirsts can be quenched down at the Greyhound Inn SATURDAY 29th

The Pride march ( meet as stated in the introduction). This is die highiight of the Pride festival. Tens of thousands of people gather in London to celebrate lesbian and gay identity - A definite must!!

Sher.Un'Se Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts Who are you and what do you do? Any first year will flinch at the sound just as stupid in any gay pub as here, but radier from a safety aspect above questions come this time of year, he would camping it up in die Sainsbu- than anything else. Condoms are a bore, however, in the case of homosextudity rys checkout! but necessary. Frankly, I feel that the there still remains an unfortunate As far as the question "What do you subject of sex and safety belongs in the amount of ambiguity as regards image do?" goes, myself I tend to go down to other pages of bare facts, the danger of and identity, as seen from the eyes of the pub and get pissed a lot Yes, th^ AIDS isn't specialised, EVERYONE many heterosexuals. Having become are Gay pubs. But they are not necess- should be careful. far less"closeted'' in recent years, I find arily exclusive and I was surprised by I hope this article has answered a myself increasingly answering ques- the number of straight friends who had few questions and maybe increased tions like those above and have written ventured into Guildford's gay pub and your understanding of our situatici. So this article in the hope that a litde light not found die atmosphere hostile but next time you're about to tear down hearted information may ease the way radier relaxed and often lighter and hap- some notice or make some childish to better understanding of the Gay com- pio" than many ordinary bars. Nor is comment about "queers", you really munity. Guildford's gay pub any scvt of meat don't know whether someone next to The first question I usually hear is market Anyone can down a quiet pint you might, turn around and make you "How did you decide that you were there, without fear of being eyed (or eat your own words-forcibly! gay?" Easy. I had no choice in die mat- chatted) up, (although once in a while ter. Psychologists and biologists write would help my ego a litde...) endless lists of papers on behaviour and What most people really want to Simon G 1991 still can't come up with a reason for ho- know, however, is "What do you do?" mosexuality. It exists, (and not just in (fnarr, fnarr). Mind your own bloody humans, for die benefit of those who buisness. I'll admit that sex is an issue say "it doesn't happen in nature". It can and it does!) I coiainly didn't wake up one morning and say "I could really do AFPe/ißAWtfS Ciir^ Be i^cemvÊ"/ with a hard life. I know, I'll be gay" - There is no such choice. The question of identity is again ambiguous, there is no way of telling who is gay. Someone with the softest voice, the silliest camp walk and a col- lection of limp wrists flying in all direc- tions may turn out to be die happily married father of five, whereas the middle aged grey suited accountant sit- ting oi^site you on the bus may be going home to a candle lit dinner with his long term boyfriend. Of course everyone knows the gay cliches, but be- lieve me, Julian Clary would look and My Pirst Eiss! Do you remember your first kiss? I members of the same gender - and as the first time when only a fair amount don't acdially remember mine, but I've enjoy it Since then Tve been kissing of blood, some loose teedi and swollen been told about it I was 6 - and kissed boys, kisses far more memorable than lips was the resuit ofour accidentai the girl next door. Being gay I suppose the first one. rendezvous in die dark. Next time I I should have gone for the boy next door There is also another 'kiss' I re- might be a job for the undertaker. It instead, but the concept of homosex- member quite clearly. Unfortunately it may sound dramatic, but diis is the uality didn't exist to me then. I kissed a wasn't nearly as pleasant as any of the 'bare facts', my friends! Andthisisone girl because diat is just the way it is - previous ones. I got diis particular of the reasons die Lesbian and Gay So- boys kiss girls and dial's it. Unfortu- 'kiss' late one nightwalking home from ciety is adding Pride Facts this week. nately life is not quite that simple to a nightclub, by a bunch of guys who de- An attempt to tell the rest of die student everybody. cided that I looked gay - and decided body diat we want to kiss the perscm we A few years later I developed this further to show their feelings in diat re- love. We want to express our love urge to kiss boys instead, but this never spect The kiss consisted of a fist without die threatof being beaten up in materialized into the hot, passicHiate placed firmly where I would much the streets. kiss from a young, handsome man diat radier prefer a set of lips. I would also And remember that the next victim I was hoping for. And besides, that is have preferred it to be more genUe. might be you because some guys décidé not die way it is supposed to be - so I This last kiss is the one which really that you don't look quite as masculine kept kissing the girls! sticks to my mind, which has also given as other boys (or as feminine as odier However, later still, I managed to me diis fear of walking alone at night girls). And they won't ask you. You overcome the society's resistance to die because I know it might happen again. will get no questions - just a kiss! fact that some people acuially do kiss And next time I might not be as 'lucky' David bare facts Friday June list 1991 Tobe, or "Quote, Unquote"

"Homosexuality will always be a problem as long as sexuality is a problem" Righi not tobe Reva-end George Carey

"When the Establishment takes me seriously I can see why they do it...I must lake advantage of iL I get to talk loudly to the media and to talk quietly to the people in I once had a girl, or should I say, power. And that is where my use to society lies. You cannot pidl down an actor whose She once had me. w(vk you admire because he is gay - but you can sack the teacher or the nurse or die She showed me her room, firman. And tíiat must change." lan McKelIen (actor) isn't it good, Norwegian wood? "If the P.M. can teli us that the word 'nigger' is unacceptable, then why should wOTds like 'queer'.'poof, and 'lezzie' not equally be so" Jeremy Clarke, GALOP Talked to some friends, about some odd thoughts, "I would love to take a lesbian lover as fat as me...If I can fmd the right woman, I They didnt care, will. A female lover would have to look exacUy like me to tum me on" Roseanne Barr 1 worried myself, and hid away, I couidn't be gay? "I even had a short relationship with a Division one player. We used to go to Spain every year for an wid-of-year party at the Andalucía Plaza in Maibella. This guy was I was dyir^ from fear, a top footballer in the north but, like me, he was trapped in a macho sport and seek- the aching inside, ing male company within it We had a beautiful affair" Justin Fáshanu l'd lost my pride, A girl or a boy, what would they "So many young people come out as lesbian or gay when they are students. I think accuse? it can only assist if they see that the président of their union is in the same position I mean, It was hardiy for me to and has gone through the same process" NUS President Stephen Twigg choose! Looking around, and feeling the Pride And Prejudice clown, Society's attitudes towards gay men reason. In addition bisexual women are Feeling so sad, may still be somewhat harsh, but les- often forced to make a choice • they can letting m'self down. bians and bisexuals have an added rarely expect the lesbian community to So i decided, (when I was dmnk), problem: that of still being regarded as stand by them unless they identify For a lad, l'd go on the hunt! 'taboo\ True, such matters are more themselves as such. openly discussed than, say 20 years This week is often simply referred I then met a boy, or shouki I say, ago, but the fact remains that life is to as 'Gay Pride Week' - but it is vital He met me. often extremely difficult for lesbians that we ali réalisé that 'Pride' is as much He showed me his room, isn't it and bisexuals. a célébration for lesbians and bisexuals good, FirstIy, lesbians have the complica- as it is for gay m^. If a truly egalita- Nonwegian wood? tion that their sexuality has never been rian society is to be achieved, lesbian, properly 'acknowledged' - Queen Vic- gay and bisexual rights will need to be I was told of two answers, to be or toria is said to have believed that les- acknowledged - and the issue is not one be not, bians didn't exist because women of choice: you are what you are, and (of course the questlon's forgot), wouldn't do such a thing; Lesbiansism your sexuality is not sometíiing you can Then I decovered; has thus nev^ been made a criminal of- change at will, even if you wanted to. Oh how absurdi fence. Racism, sexism, homophobia - ali There must be athirdi Bisexuals, on the other hand, face forms of prejudice, based on ignorance. alienation from both the heterosexual Don't let you ignorance upset others - Finding myself, and homosexual communities: man's and use Pride week to educate yourself. lost in the middle, dislike of ambiguity means that people I found an answer, usually prefer you to identify yourself James • In memory of Judith ending this rìddle, as one thing or the other. Bisexuals are It doesn't matter what they say, even barred firom attending NUS Les- London Lesbian & Gay It's your world, bian and Gay Conferences - a form of Switchboard: 071 - 837 - your life and your game to play! discrimination one would not normally expect from a section of society dis- 7324 London Lesbian Line: Matthew criminated against for much the same 071 -251 -6911 Credits Laurence, Matth«., Davidi, David 2, lan, Simon, Rowan, James, and anyone else who is OUT, a spedai thanks to Nic Crotch(for his disk!) and Smiley (for laying - up). Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts Sexualîty and the Bible

Welcome to a short jauntaiound the phy sically moved out of their homelend unclean as was anything that it touched Bible with regard to the subject which and allowed to retum later on!). The (Leviticus 15:16-18). In fact most of we ail love so dearly. There is stili a lot jewish people despised die surrounding die death deserving crimes in the Le- of résistance to the acceptance of homo- cultures and when they decided to be viticus code are to do with the "un- sexual reladonships as valid express- différent what could be more différent covering of nalœdness" ions of sexuality in the Churches, than not having maie prostitûtes in their Fourthly, for many psychologists inspite of the mass of literature urging Temple (something found in ail die sur- working in this field, die ritual of cir- for change (though I believe the Qua- rounding cultures which were quite cumcision is more to do with mutilation kers decided there was nothing wrong happy with the situation)? So the than it is to do with hygiene. These with homosexuali^ in the seventies). people threw the prostitues out of the people had bad relationships with their The fundamental sdcking point for die Temple in Jérusalem (2Kjngs 23:7) and bodies! arguements for and against the accept- enshiined the ideaof homosexuality as And what about that wonderful bit ance of homosexuality is the différence being something distastefully "foreign" of the Bible, the Song of Solomon, I in interprétation of the main biblical in their Law. For those who like to do hearyouask? Ail that "uponmybedby texts that deal with the subject, gener- their homework look at IKings 14:22- night, I sought him whom my soul ally taken to be Genesis 19:1-5, Leviti- 24,15;12 and Deuteronomy 23:17-18. loves", ail that "your lips distil nectar cus 18:22 and 20:13, Romans 1:26-27, Secondly, the word that is translated my bride: honey and milk are under ICorinthiasns 6:9 and ITimothy 1:10. as meaning "homosexual"in the Old your tongue", ail that "your rounded In no way do I intend to go dirough ail Testament (Qadesh) originated from thighs are like jewels...your two breasts these texts (there are enough extremely neighbouring Egypts word for maie cuit like fawns" and ail that "your hair is like large and extremely turgid books avail- prostitutes which meant "Holy Ones", a herd of goats... your teeth are like a able that deal with them), but instead Thus the sin of being a "qadesh" was flock of shom ewes"? Well, it appears here are some amazingly thought pro- idolatry and not camality as such. Any that our Hebrew friends hi-j^ked it voking points to remember when con- women reading this need not feel le from the Canaanite fertility cuits. sidering what the Bible has to say about out, there were lots of female cuit pros- sexualiQr: Who says that foreign influences titutes too, and the Hebrews used the areali bad? FirsUy, did you know diat during the egyptin word for diat to mean "whore". period when the Levidcus code was Thirdly, unlike the contempory Rowan Swan. being puUed together that there was a Greeks, the Hebrews had a very poor surge of nationalistic pride which was opinion of nudity and sex (Leviticus Lesbian and Gay Christain determined to make Israel différent 18:6-19 has twelve prohibitions against from its neighbouring countries? After nakedness in as many lines). For in- Movement, Oxford House, ail the State of Israel had only just come stance the Hebrew word for the maie Derbyshire Street, Tel: back into being after the Babylonian dé- genitals roughly translates as "hideous 071-739 1249. portation (Yes - over half a nation was flesh", and semen was considered

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Don't forget the film on Wednesday. Tickets £1 On sale fi-om12pn i - 2pm Friday, Monday, Tuedsday, Wednesday lunchtimes bare facts Friday June list 1991 At The Movie s midable power of the imagination - al- dieu is superb as our big-nosed swash- though the infamous "batwing" se- buckling hero, whose bravery is only ODEON, EPSOM quence is not for those with weak matched by the depth of his unrequited stomachs! Altogether essential view- love for his cousin, Roxan. This is ihe ROAD ing. sort of epic film that the French do bet- Credit Card Bookings/Enquiries ter than anyone eise, despite the subtit- Tel 578017. Advance Box Office open Daily at 1,45 5.20 8.10 les! 2pnii - 7pm daily. Students admitted for the special price of 2.05 Mon-Thur be- Screen 2 : MERMAIDS (15) Daily at 1.25 5.00 8.10 fore 7pm (with NUS Card). Screen 4 : THE POPE MUST Friday 21 June for Seven Days Set in the early sixties, this roman- tic comedy deals with the lives of DIE Screen 1 : THESILENCE Kooky mother (Cher) her latest suitor (shoe salesman Bob Hoskins) and her Robbie Coltrane accidentally OFTHELAMBS (18) two equally unconventional daughters. becomes a somewhat unconventional Despite some typically annoying pontiff who fmds the vatican has its The film that has been described by American sentimental ity, üiis isappeal- own fair share of corruption. This is some as the best thriller of all time. ing enough and has quite a good sound- written and directed by Peter Richard- These sort of criticai plaudits, com- ti^ck. son, who was responsible for the better bined with a liberal helping of good old 'Comic Strip Presents...' episodes, so if fashioned megahype, have resulted in a Daily at 1.15 3.40 6.05 8.35 nothing eise, this comedy will have the 'record-breaking stampede lo see this look of quality. And if you like The film - and deservedly so. Anthony Hop- Screen 3 : CYRANO DE Comic Strip, you know what to expect. kins is spellbinding as Dr Hannibal BERGERAC (U) "The Cannibal" Lecter, a man so dan- Daily atl.35 3.50 6.15 8.45 gerous that he has to be bound and muz- zled when being moved between prison A beautifully crafted rendiüon of With Pete 'n' Phil cells. Not as expliciüy gory as some the classic play, the most recent inter- would think - the beauty of Demme's prétation of which was Steve Martin's direction is that much is left to the for- delightful "Roxanne". Gerard Depar-

Coming This Week Sunday 23rd at 6pm and Tuesday 25th That's all from OFU for Üiis term - Monday 24th at 9pm Slarting soon after lOpm an OFU we will be back in the Autumn, bigger, FREE FILM, THE JUNGLE BOOK bolder and maybe in focus.... PRETTY WOMAN - An old fa- projected out in the open in the Amphi- Thanks:- A big thank you goes to shioned and classic love story, which theatre - brought to you in association the following OFU members who are throws in bits of Cinderella and Pygma- wiüi USSU ENTS (thanks to Mowgli leaving this summer, Kath (we will lion, is here given a modern twist. He's Bloor) and Stage Crew (who will no miss the curtains, bui that's not the a high-class corporate raider; she's a doubt be seen setting up from around point !) Long, Gary (don't menüon the low-class innocent hooker and after 3pm - on Monday !!). This is your treasurers fund - or the 13 pints of Gui- he's hired her to be his escort for a few chance to break OFU's normal condi- ness !) Waugh, Cath (for keeping Steve days naturally they fall in love. As he tions of entry (Drinking, Eating, Drink- otherwise occupied) Hancock, and to tutors her in the ways of his lifestyleand ing, Smoking, Drinking and singing David Bruce for changing our lives. she begins to influence his hard-hearted (Stage crew excepted) - may be per- ruthlessness, this becomes a surprising- mitted. If the weather is foul then the ly charming, light romantic comedy. film will move to Lecture Theatre G Usque ad mortem bibendum! Starring: Richard Gere and Julia Ro- when ALL of the above conditions berts. Cen 15:119 Minutes. will be strictiy enforced (Kath Long NIckD Wright will be present !).

17 Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts GoGoGoJa$on! On my recent retum from America, way to the London Palladium theatre on you're on to a winner. (a continent that is Kylie free but has its the second preview night last week, The humourous touches were often own Kids to contend with), I was su- with seats comfortably dose to the subüe, (though more often like being prísed to discover that Kylie girl-next- stage but detached from die pre-teen slapped in the face widi a large wet door Minogue had swapped "sweet and girls who surrounded it, sdnking of per- fish), and included women in tradi- innocent" for "lustful and raunchy." fume and with dieir tongues and their tional garb carrying ironing boards, Should she retum to make a guest ap- breasts hanging out? Good question. As toasters, sewing machines, pepp^ milis pearance in Neighbours we might ex- it happens, Bare Facts and die Sun and watering cans on their heads in one pect to see her pose topless on Bertha's "newspaper" share significant charac- scene, orange, pink and yellow sheep, a bonnet rather dian working under it. terìstics, both take only 5 minutes to Potiphar who is impotent, gay or bodi, Jason Donovan has however decided to read and have an effect on the brain si- and a ghasdy golden chariot (diank- fully) used for only 30 seconds in die combine his undoubted (mcx'e later!) miliar to a full frontal lobotomy, and entire production. In one scene the bro- singing and acdng talents by treading both therefore have infiuence where it the boards in the revival of "Joseph And thers donned sunglasses and celebrated counts, or rather Stephan does. The Technicolour Dreamcoat" which Joseph's demise, hi-fiving each other That's how we got die tickets but recendy opened in the West End, for the and singing "10-4 old buddy" whenever finding the Palladium was anodier mat- first time since it was written 23 years their father was off stage! ter. We arrived at the wrong end of Ox- ago. ford Street with just 10 minutes to Another scene was pure Wild West An alliance between Jason Dono- spare...there is nothing worse than hob ho-down and had ali the vibrance, ex- van and Andrew Lloyd Webber seems nobbing with die rich and famous while citement and power of an expanded. unlikely, but the combinauon may well sweadng buckets and trying to dislodge Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, cac- prove a nice little eamer, especially if a your boxers but more of that in a tus and ali. Later, banged up in jail, recent interview with Andrew Lloyd minute, die rich and famous that is! Joseph interpreted die dreams of a de- Webber is anything to go by. If asked, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED cideiy camp Butier and fiour covered (as Warner Brother's were by Webber), TO ELVIS Bak^ before being surrounded by the what you diink was the biggest-gross- rest of the cast in '60s dress and doing ing film ever made you might answer Excitement was reaching fever the hippythang, can you stand it? pitch by the time the lights were ET, (it grossed $630ra). Now, how After an interval rubbing shoulders dimmed and the orchesu^ began a Jo's much do you think Cats has grossed in with the rich and famous, (well, greatest hits compilation which was far dieaü-es? $50 miUion? $100 million? somebody buying a round of drinks and too long and had some of die Jason fan Tryover$1.4 billion! that Gordon Hcmeywhatsit from TVam club needing resusitadon, (even I began news), we retumed to our seats and die With the visual overkill of director to feel a litde queasy). Finally there was Steven Pimlott's production of Joseph second half. A huge Pharaonic statue movement as children swarmed about And The Technicolour Dreamcoat, the that later became a fmit machine (you the stage for what I thought was an ad- winnings from this blockbuster musical had to be diere) dominated the stage as verüsement for the United Colours Of (originally just 15 minutes long in the cast appeared dressed as Eygptian Benetton. Infact this was the choir who 1968) may weil out-shine many of this servants and wearing what appeared to year's cinematic offerings. Jason Do- were joined, after a litde humming, by be white socks and blue swede shoes, novan is to receive £5,000 a week for narrator Linzi Hateley. She bounced and were. his part and the first single release from onto the stage and effectively blew the Joseph has gone straight into die charts starung whistle, ali hell broke lose. at No.2, diings are certainly looking I was rather expecting a good for ali involved. (This isn't a chant to rise from die stands, "Mickey Mouse" production but with I mean stalls, "We want the dollar signs floating about it might Jason, we want.." And as if as well be!) in answer a figure appeared. It was difficult to make out The original 20 minute Joseph And who it was, he or she wore a The Technicolour Dreamcoat was writ- long blond wig and very ten in 1968 by a 19 year old Webber and little else a gasp, silence his 23 year old lyricist partner, Tim and then laughter, muted at Rice. In 1969 die Sunday Times Jazz and Pop Critic Derek Jewell com- first but then rising in vol- mented dius: "This is a joyous, bounc- ume to dampen the singing ing and entirely successful piece of pop efforts of Jason, for it was music, bursüng with good tunes and he. But laughter is a key to clever words, yet having a contìnuity this production, not only do and wholeness which is quite new in die most of Tim Rice's lyrics, world where the differing sounds of (such as die one about Pha- Beatles, Cream and Doors explode and raoh's dream - "What you dominale." Bodi the Beatles and more saw in your pyjamas was recendy the Doors have enjoyed con- Just a long-range forecast temporary success, but whatever hap)- for your farmers") survive pened to Cream? but camp humour abounds. This is a production deter- tVB'^m^^ /ilUSlCBY ^ You may weil ask how your regular mined to have a good time thespian critic Stephan and I found our and provided you are too.

18 bare facts Friday June list 1991

The Pharaoh then made his entrance looking like a cross between Elvis and Gary Gliuer. The audience were jump- ing as Elvis (alive and well and perfor- ming near Liberty's) swung his pants. A couple of great numbers followed Pharaoh's sensational act, one combin- ing French, Jewish and Russian in- fluence and the other a Calypso Caribbean number! Finally the produc- tion reached a climax and the audience poured praise on the cast. However this was not the end, we were being toyed with, (oooh ahh)! Hail the Mega Mix. But Can He Sing? While Jason's vocal range is small he can singl Indeed his performance justifies his presence on stage with a highly professional ali singing, ali • dancing cast and the wonderful Linzi Hateley. There is, however, no hiding the fact that Jason is the star that every- body has come to see and it is perhaps a Twins? fitting reflection of this adoration that The Comedy of Errors has tradition- of reasons why the wildest of coin the show closes with him thrust above ally been considered unworthy of seri- cidences and inconsistencies are for- the audience in god-like magnificance, ous considération, prone to dismissal as gi ven; (one is left wondering whether his a mere farce. This week, however, saw Mark Thompson's strikingly surre- understudy would be lynched were the opening of lan Judge's vibrant and al design obligingly provides the many Jason unable to perform). colourful production which proves be- doorways of the mind through which The production doesn't offer the yond doubt the real error of this treat- the multi-coloured characters emerge charm of the originai school production ment. with breath taking speed. The illusion- I saw 10 years ago but is perhaps the Aegeon of Syracuse is the father of ary and magical theme continues with most highly charged, entertaining, twin boys named Antipholus. Their the appearance of a conjuring doctor loud, colourful and humourous roller servants, another pair of twins, are both who, aided by his bunny-tailed and coaster ride available right now in the named Dromio. While retuming to leggy assistants, proceeds to eut a cap- West End. This Summer pantomime is Ephesus, Aegeon, his wife, sons and tured Dromio in half threatening to con- the stuff that the word "escapism" was servants are separated by a storm at sea. fuse the situation even further. When created for so take a break from campus Aegeon managed to save only one Anti- events culminate in a Pythonesque and your mundane existence trying to pholus and one Dromio. His sub- flashing neon illuminated Virgin Mary discover whether you can float on the séquent search costs his entire wealth descending from the heavens, 1 began and ultimately leads him to Ephesus, to feel for the large school party in the • alcoholic contents of your own stomach and mosey on down with your pardner where he is jailed for vagrancy. The audience studying the play for their to the city of brighi lights. And when play begins with the ultimatum for re- GCSEs. you get diere, try and shake off that payment of debts by sun down or pen- Any dangerof the performance slip- British reservedness by joining in and alty of death. Little does he know that ping into complete obscurity is swiftly clapping, singing and maybe even Antipholus and Dromio have also ar- countered by the excellent pairing of dancing in the aisles! rived in their quest to find their long lost Desmond Barrit and Graham Tumer as The Dominion iheatre is offering brothers, who just happen to be living the leading Antipholus and Dromio, very good Student concessions although in that very city. who effectively provide a solid and it is worth calling them to check on „^^s soon as he sets foot in Ephesus, convincing anchor to the play. availability, tickets for this show are Antipholus of Syracuse, is engulfed in The close sees the completion of the going to be in some demand. The Lon- confusion which blatently signais the fairy taie, with the lost being found and don Palladium Iwx office is open daily end of his search. Logic isforgotten, as conveniently paired off to walk into the from 10.00 am - 8.30 pm and can be he chooses to explain the dissonance sunset (supposediy to live happily ever reached on 071-437-7373. (What do through hallucination and imagination. after). But sod the clichés, the scene is you mean, "but did we like it?"!) However, this in tum leads to some of moving and perfectly rounds off this "Technicolour" is a registered the most endearing comic touches of enchanted trip. trademark of Carlton Communications the evening, through the long suffering Pie, (another nice little eamer). perplexed and innocent Dromios. The Comedy of Enors is playing in Shakespear treads the fine line be- repertoire at the Barbican, check the Mat The Roach & tween ihe sublime and ihe ridiculous, as Box office for full détails (071 638 Stephan (useless Map Reader) the basic absurdity and confusion of 8891). Standby tickets are available two sets of identical twins is com- just before the perfomance - £5 for stu- pounded with the création of their dents, £10 for real people. identical servants. There are a number Stephan

19 ussu^

presenta The Royal Charter Disco featurìng

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i o oo a a KbAiN plus the Coffee Machine, Huge FX lightshow, Rag Raffle with swell prizes and a BIG Bar Extenslon. Tickets £4 from Union Stage. Tuesday lOpm and Wednesday lOam bare facts Friday June list 1991 River Sports Day Entry Personals Form contìnued., Dcar James, Look Tm in baref^ts? (Î i;:thn\fel-wtli itart a coÌuWnètt year ; blouse It'si a Immllian iJÙuv^ Enìries must be accompanied with signed statements from ali participants indicating swimming ability of 100 metres and responsibility of own safety - please sign ALL team members. Steve irite Àussic • Ccm^tùìalìons Please note that ali entrants MUST wear plimsolls (including the Tug of War) and that life jackets are to be worn for ALL •Mt^WMiyÙ-''' events.

Entry made by sexyih^ a Jtw Department jrtin-òf-yìè-ihill, hò-hùni1niip;': Contact Address "End: th^, vra^ pTOi^tpir ve Take me Home Alone and lets do u Telephone No

Name of Team (Separate entries for each team) Cilhièvvps::- "Ooopp, Ackkaih?.,.Yaknow. (You^; Ò.t and you ma^ji» porr) Circle below for entry (Each team must have a minimum of 6 Felix. 3tXX people) "Dear James, It's not exacdy myown column, bui there you g0;..H0pe 1) Tug of War (4 Meo, 2 Girls) you-ll havean exellenisummeii Luv 2) Slalom Canoe Race - Individuai and Team entries . i: i: . . : Men (Give Names) To Vladimir, Fond farewells, Good Girls (Give Names) lucki we'Umiss you btsi Love Ìioni 3) Beginners Canoe Race (Individua! and Team Entries) The Squidgies. Men (Give Names) Jon, congratulations. You'vejustwpn Girls (Give Names) "Tho WorWs Greatest Poser' 4) Rafting up Chariot Races (2 Men, 1 Girl) award,Will those brown eycs ever 5) Raft Change about (2 Men, 2 Girls) Simon - Wc know your sccrclì (bon- Signed ^ tôpr :TllnkS-l>rKo^ to s^lyou over die summ^ mdHaï Entry Fee £2 to cover prizes of Bottles of Beer, Medais etc nçj^Îitrt îpyç To DaK d« Man. ^tàrné ïhe oigy iisdidil'tha^^ tteotì^nigbtiHt^it Statements indicating swimming ability and responsibility for Sôês ^tiièxt ti iJov^l^l; : : own safety well fa you when you leave^ and diat Please sign ALL team members: wC: ^ip :;|tay in tôtïch, ; ittiss liiv^ "HOrrÎbî^ Pitsirit's good to see you agajn after I hereby confirm that I can swim 100 metres and am such:à long time. Get youriarse into responsible for my own safety. gear ór you're "going lo get: wrong", LoveWy . Date Most Î^^CT'fîàycrs keep chalk in Name Dept iheir pòcket, what does M k^p iti his?! Crcepcr - Gp ¿rccn, try a tree instead

bushes! ! î irapsiiiwi "Nic Nac Noo, 1 love youtH«^jShd Teddy Edward too! ! !" Friar Do you know wbat you Please note that shoes and life jackets must be worn and that open wounds shouid be covered by plasters. Convérit" : • : :

21 Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts Societies and Notices Nowave Ok Tm back again and this time stly knowing certain parties at this This is the first and last time that I've got some sionking points of infor- university who will remain nameless you're going to hear from me for this maticMi fOT you and do I hear you cry (Nik New) they will know doubt be term folks! what are these points of information, no Üiinking that Carter are playing at the probably not but I will tell you anyway hall which is not true but they are at the the first of these points is that No Wave Civic secondly I am telling you this be- As is usual with us nothing happens is done Flicks again on tuesday Week cause not even the music press know for 9 weeks and then everything ccxnes 10 fOT the final bash of alternative and about it! Finally the tickets for this gig together. indie music this term so come done and go on sale on June 24th so if you do On Tuesday 2Sth there is a Mega experience Flicks with your friends and wish to go a piece of advice is by your 'End of Exam' rave at Le Palais or- you also know that the music played ticket before you leave here this sum- ganised by the Asian Students Net- will not be of wa*k origins like Kylie mer because when you return you wOTk. More details in the pige

That's all, see you there. Chi Rho News G. Menon We would like to thank everyone Court Table Tennis Room, 50p fol- (Your Adorable Chairman!) who has supported our various events lowed by a chat. this year and Stephen Cox for organis- Sunday informai C of E service ing them. We look forward to seeing I0:30am University Court Reception, everyone next year. Our final events Coffee follows. this week are :- Friday Lunch l-2pm Battersea BWTO Rung Bitch Column Fu Club not assume just because you have filled Living o^-campus next year? ThenM^ And now, the end is in a provisional form that crew are why not take up an active martial art.^^ booked. We will tell you if we can't do BWTO Univ. of Surrey Kung Fu Club near... your disco or band for you, but in most emphasize softness & cOTtrol turning Will I be glad when term finishes! ! cases we can. Bookings are taken on a soft to strong. For deails see Carlo or No job yet, but I'm going home any- first come, fu-st served basis, but with A.Rio. Sundays 8pm, Tuesdays way. During the Summer, the Amazing union gigs having priority over outside 8.30pm, Spons HallB. Flying Bardini will be running crew in ones (such as private parties). We are a my place. I shall be leaving shortly after union facility after all!! Grad, ball, and coming back for intro The weak, err, head: week. Next year, the crew booking pro- Friday: Barn Dance, Main Hall cedure will be run properly. This in- Saturday: Surrey Court Funday Mon- volves any club, society, person, or day: Soul Club LBD other body wanting to book crew get- Rock Club Not a lot this week except that we ting a provisional booking form from Grad Ball is on Friday 5th July behind the house officers desk. You are running minibus to the Famham Law College grad ball is on Thurs- Maltings Summer Blues Festival this then fill it in, and place it in the crew pi- day lltii July geon hole. A confirmation and final Sunday. Tickets are 15 for the day, 11 Intro Week starts on Monday 7lh hours and about 30 bands playing in booking form will be sent to the contact October address you give, and this must be various areas. Bring butties 'cos the Enjoy the last week of term, won't foods 'kin expensve. Leave name & signed and returned to the crew pigeon you, and I'll see you all (hopefully) in hole before the gig will go ahead. Do tel/room no in our pigeon hole before the Autumn. Sat night, minibus leaves about 11.30 a.m. Sunday. P.T.G.

22 bare facts Friday June list 1991 Events

The FUN DAY and BARBEQUE, Chesney^s Bit Of Rag on Monday 24ih June from 4pm on- Oh god, its ali gone wrong! Again. rare and mystifying thing... A succesful wards. Ali the fun will take place out- In contradicticKi to last weeks column, RAG evenL NO!?!? I here you squeak, side the sports hall. Silly games like this one, hopefully, will contain Infor- but oh yes an event which happened Egg and Spoon, 3-legged and many mation conceming RAG events which AND people came to!! Last Wednes- more fun races. After working up an ap- will not be cocked up by us. Barrymore, day, when die Juke-box broke down, petite, the barbeque will continue into Barrymore, where aie my shoes? Sorry Stage-Crew (bless their slightly over- die evening after 6pm. The sport hall to say but due to circumstances beyond grown crowns) set up a rig on stage and bar will be especially open for us and our control (bad management) the the RAG ALTERNATIVE JUKE BOX food includes both caraivorous and whole of evening blues has had to be was bom. Merrily merrily off the gar- vegetarian varieties. Ali this will only cancelled. Instead we are hoping to or- den wall. Eh? At only 40p a record we cost £2.50. So come along and enjoy ganise something else (bigger and bet- managed to make a stunning £65 or so yourself. ter by thunder!), but time is short and for RAG charities with people also RAG is not renovmed for being a fast paying for c**p records to be lermi- moving body. Good news is that the nated. RAG gives a BIG HAND to Battersea BBQ - This annual stor- Alton Towers trip that everybody is everyone who helped and also to looking forward to is stili to go ahead. mer of an event is back on Wednesday .ook out for the posters, if we ever put everyone who donated towards iL My of week 10. The first live band is on at them up, and get your dckets from the god, its huge! A good time was had by 7pm and various bands will be playing trading desk, soon. Quack! Does ali. Who keeps pulling down the Batter- thru' tili around lOpm, diese include die any(Hie in die Russian society have a sea BBQ posters? Razzy Dazzy Spasm Blues band and sense of humour? (re: letter last issue!). Love from the one and only man not jazz from the Wacking Funkers (watch Trevor, they're in the whaling shed! Go a boy, how you pronounce that one!) The away! I shall now teli you a story of a Chesney. bands will be playing (^n air on die grass embankment outside Spiers house, Battersea Ct (just follow die noise), a BBQ will mn ali night, a large Soul Club beer order has been placed for the ex- To ali of you who tumed up for Uie ler. cessive amount of drinking diat will Pumphouse Gang, I am sure you were This week's vinyl tip selection in- take place from 7-11.45, and after the not disappointed by them especially cludes Jazzy Jeff - Summer Time; bands there's a disco UH the wee houis! when King George hyped up the crowd Moby - Go; Stonefunkers - Can You - This is the largest BBQ you'll ever at- with his rub-a-dub selection. As for the Follow; Kick Squad - What You Sear- tend. See you there! week ahead, here goes chin' For; Cool 2 - Kinda Groovy (Remix); Dodge City - Aint Going For Saturday: Friends of Asia Mega That. Rave in the Lower Bar; Monday: Soul Club gig with Catch you on Green Apple Radio ^massive sound + light show; (93.9 FM), Saturday 2-4pm! Adiletics Club and Cross-Country Club combined AGM - Weds 26di June So lots going on and I expect ali of AS ITGRooVES 6pm S.U. stage you to reach to at least four of the above gigs. Monday night will see a domin- Jav ance of clubland sounds with our usual Animai Welfare & USAB meeung selection of Light F/X from High Rol- on Monday wk 10 at 6.30 in the Nelson Mandella Rm (SU). Talk on tactìcs

No Wave AGM Thursday 20di Crew?!? June. Barclays Room 6pm. Tum up, it's The stormy weatfier was approach- Igor enquired as to his stock and important. ing & Dr. Frankenstein had nearly com- was told "We have professors' brains at pleted his creation. He sent his faithful 200, Nobel prize winners' at 500 or assistant Igor out to find his final pan, maybe you prefer the cheaper models." the brain. Igor dutifully jumped astride "Oh no", replied Igor, "What about EARS will be holding an auction his muddy fox & cycled into town to the that one in the window?" of surplus electronic equipment (in- brain shop. "That's not for sale", replied the sa- cluding ossiliscopes, VDUs, test equip- He entered and approached die lesman. "It belonged to a member of ment and power supplies) on Saturday shq)keeper. Stage Crew and it's priceless." June 22nd in LT.L. The auction will "Hello, l'd like to buy a brain "How can that be?" asked Igor. start at 12:00 with viewing from please." "Well Sir", said the shopkeeper, 10:00am. The shopkeeper looked al the hor- "it's never been used." ribly deformed figure, rubbed it out, Paul Pickerlll, tumed to Igor & said "Certainly Sir, life member of Crew. What type?"

23 Friday June 21st 1991 bare facts AFinalCaUforRiver Tennis Sports Day Team River Sports Day - join the frolic in the river by making sure your entry form is recieved no later dian Sauirday at 5pm. The Canoe and Sub Aqua Club togedier with the Sports Hall Staff have planned a momentous day for you. Celebrate the end of Beaches exams and the academic year next Wednesday 26th June in die river. Startup at 2:15pm approx. River Sports Walk UAU Final. Tim is organising a walk to take parücipants and spectators down to River Sports Surrey havercached the fmal of the Day next Wednesday - Meet at 1:15pm at Senate Steps with trainers, plasters, camer- Mens UAU Tennis for the Hn» time by as and waterproofs! be^Oing Reading 5-4 SL a wind-swepi Farewell from the Sports Hall Staffl lÉíaiioflI^ o • ^vl:;!! A big diank you to all die Union Officers, especially Tim, and all you Students Surtey tc

iiròmamìn|;::| A; looked possiblc when bodi the first and second pairs toolc one set IcadSt How- ::;iever, : 01«::: first

dcfcat in 32 matches and the sccond pair, despìte baúl tn^ hard, fìnally lost

-fí -»H, l^th. ütó^itíatcR'tlMy bajal&li; ^S^.

wegians lo regain Üieir pnde ond pul Surrey dirough to the íínai by defe^dngi die oppwi tiori'5 In reaching the seniMítiats, Surrey defeated Southampton. UCL» Royal ifellow^ ai«3 Keäi^ Entrance Form Inside llspd inglése èarl^roundsiléf^ well. Attention All Sports Club Our opponent« in the ftnal will probably be the formidable 3Lotxghbo- rough team WIK) have won tihe compe- Officiais! tition foir id» lasifei^ iye^i; • TTie fìràl: A reminder to Sports Clubs Officiais that the Sports Staff would be dclighted to will take place al die Coolhurst Lawn see them on Tuesday 25di June at Ipm by the Croquet Lawn at our end of term So- cial and Departmental preseniaüon. Professor Butterworth, Pro Vice Chancellor, will be presenting the awaids and addressing the gathering. i::|ans ú^ing'.^^ ^ contaci Marcel Kagzi, tho club chair« man» via die Tetinis Club plgeon hole by IviöÄy die i^^-gtitó:!^^^ III 1;

Marcel Kaozl

24