ISSUE #35 This Here... “...many bad decisions and turgid luck...” (G Benford)

“Hang on, let me squeeze one out” to the book of Useful EGOTORIAL Russian Phrases. FIGHT TO THE FINISH Mad love and effusive thanks here to Alan White for providing the illo at ridiculously short notice. It’s going to surprise a few, or perhaps a lot, of people that I’m not going to gob off endlessly about This Fuckin’ In the interests of a bit of personal update, especially for Election, as I’m as thoroughly wearied of the whole sorry those not on FBF, I suppose I’ll have to mention a bit about business as many, even though there’ll quite possibly be bits the septimana horribilis we’ve just had, although it does end that bleed in at the edges, as welcome as the proverbial fart with a definite chirrup. Despite last Sunday having been a in a spacesuit or, while on the topic of flatulence, surprisingly good workday, the rest of the week the apparently eye-watering quality of what has been total shite - Wednesday in new foster-parent of felines Ulrika particular, oh my good gawd, was in O’Brien has termed “mad toxic kitten almost 6 years of taxi driving the farts” which apparently have worst booking day I’ve ever had, extreme room-clearing effects. not helped by my regular cab Because what’s left of my mind breaking down in a moderately skitters from random thought dodgy area of town and having to even more random thought, to be towed in. I did my usual I’m now considering the 10 hours for a total of $95 implications of a fart in a meter off a mere five rides, spacesuit, whether or not meaning my earnings for that having the gaseous kitten day (after deductions) might inclusion - is the suit interior in have been $20. The mood of fact a contiguous air pocket or the day wasn’t improved by is it compartmentalized in order having learned (before I went to to ameliorate the fart problem, work) that Jennifer’s best friend and now I’m imagining the NASA since high school Mag Ellsworth design team meeting in which this had died the night before. She was in was discussed with po-faced [ahem] hospital, a not irregular occurrence as seriousness. The attention to detail that goes she was born with Osteogenesis Imperfecta on over there also makes me wonder if the space (aka Brittle Bone Disease). I had the great rations are designed to obviate the production of internal pleasure of knowing her for a brief time, occasionally in combustion, despite what seems to me to be a fairly useful person, possibly the only human I’ve ever met who had a side-effect of using farts as a means of propulsion within a much more wicked and twisted sense of humor than me - zero gravity environment such as the ISS, leading to a hard to believe I know, but utterly true! possible conversation along the lines of: Commander: The chirrup arrived in the form of Jen’s medical test results: “Sergei, can you check the readouts for the solar panels over two months ago her A1C was 13.8 and glucose 400, diabetes there, please?”, to which Sergei makes a mental note to add obviously out of control - those who know the significance of those numbers will undoubtedly recoil, suffice to say they

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were stratospherically high. Now she’s at 7.2 and 120, cheers For any who might find that a little - er - raucous, you all round. She still misses her usual candy snacks, but with should also be able to find the solo acoustic “jazz” version. the numbers going in excellent directions I do plan to get her Anyone inspired to purchase the album should actually get a couple of Crunchie bars from the International Store for the later (2002) re-release, ‘Blue Skies Forever’, which Xmas, albeit at the obvious risk of her going into Dominic includes the slices from the earlier ‘Mata Hari’ EP and a Destine-style sensory shock (obligatory comics reference)... bonus track. It’s all good. ‘Blue Skies’ immediately established Mary as not only a 6 November 2020 caustic, cynical and yet massively humorous observer of local life but also, through solid gigging, the purveyor of incredible live shows, a probable feminist icon and also undoubtedly an object of unrequited lust from the lads of RADIO WINSTON Bawlmer, even while they were thoroughly denigrated in slices such as ‘Mac and Cheese’: “All I want is a boy who’s THE RETURN OF MARY PRANKSTER not a violent sociopath”... Sandra Bond (locs) plaintively requests more music and less The apotheosis of this would have to be ‘The World is Full of footy, and though I’ll not comply with the latter, since David Bastards’ off the 1999 set ‘Roulette Girl’: Hodson’s writing is the best thing since a grilled cheese sandwich with good fresh-baked bread, nicely aged cheddar https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUsvXcT8Ctk and home-grown tomatoes, however compromised (in your I’d also encourage you to check out the live version which opinion) by a serious dollop of Branston, I can, of course get will undoubtedly be suggested by YoobToob so you get a back at some tunes of which Sandra might even approve. sense of the in-person magnetism - the album version is Mary Prankster is a Baltimore legend, dubbed ‘The Queen of clearer in terms of clocking the lyrics, and the live video is Cowpunk’, although I’m not at all sure of the definition of perhaps inevitably muddier on the sound, hence the studio “cowpunk” as even being useful to any extent, but media version link. and fans (and humans in general) have to label things, don’t The artist (whose real name is still unknown, at least to me) they? Her first album, ‘Blue Skies Over Dundalk’, released in retired the ‘Mary Prankster’ character in 2005 after a 1998 clocked in at under 19 minutes (!) and contained ten typically ebullient annual “Pranksgiving” concert, and went slices (!!) - and there’s mastery of concision, you might think. off to New England to do other stuff. The first single ‘Tits and Whiskey’ (1 minute 39 seconds), And eleven years went by... was described by the artist as “my attempt at writing the most obnoxious song ever” in which the word “fuck” Mary reconnects with Baltimore producer Steve Wright, features a dozen or more times. This didn’t stop local radio agreeing to work on a new album (‘Thickly Settled’, released station WHFS from playing it daily for weeks, though. last year) and resumes live performance in 2017 at an all new ‘Pranskgiving’, surprising fans with a massively https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TyNdTgjgKY diverse and, shall we say subtler stylistic template, evidenced in just a small part by the slice ‘Local Honey’ off the new set. https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=QVPJpKhkhkE I’ll conclude this paean, though, by going full circle back to Blue Skies and the slice ‘Mercy Fuck’, possibly one of the most brutally confessional songs you’ll ever encounter, pulling no punches and encountering no blur or dancing around its topic - it’s been an absolute favorite of mine since I first heard it, and for those with very long memories was featured in the end-of-zine lyric box in a previous iteration of this fish- wrap... https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=DekaGW2D8ww http:/maryprankster.com

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Update: “Plan A” at this point is seen as a non-starter, CORFLUX/FAANWANK meaning that the FAAn awards ceremonies (including the Lifetime Achievement Award) and the bid award will take After internal debates whether to shove this into ‘Indulge place on March 28th by virtual means. Me’, it seems inappropriate to relegate new developments on the Corflu topic to the end of the zine, so you're getting this mini-column of news instead. Readers will be aware that I’ve mentioned COVID- affected options laid out by Rob Jackson, and to recap, that's been “Plan A” (original date - March 2021 - and location), “Plan B” (defer a couple of months), and “Plan C” (defer a full year). The decision point remains to occur in mid-December, but I believe the readership (that part of it which is interested) should be informed that there's now a “Plan B2” which suggests that Corflu Concorde could take place in November, the week before the also- deferred Novacon 50. Now this has possible advantages for overseas visitors being able to attend both events, although the converse argument is that attendance of either convention might be affected in that those who may be skinter than others would be forced to choose one or the other - there’s undoubtedly more overlap between the two than there would be between a Corflu and an Eastercon, which, when the former has been held in the UK at the more typical Spring date, has also been timed close to Eastercon for the benefit of Forn Travelers. Given my personal inability to attend the event whenever it is, I don’t have an ‘orse in the event timing race, but with my FAAn awards admin titfer firmly in place I must consider the implications. My conclusion is that any delay or deferral in the original date should not affect the FAAn voting window nor the announcement of the awards themselves. This is especially true if “Plan B2” goes into effect, since it seems fuckin’ ridiculous to hold off awards for work done in 2020 until almost the end of the following year. The other, and important consideration is that, as part of the post- nosebag Corflu “business”, the following Corflu location FOOTY and organizing team (or at least the figurehead thereof) is BY DAVID HODSON determined. November is a bit fuckin’ late to award that honor to anyone who would presumably revert to the Spring I didn’t like my last column. It was too technical and scheduling for 2022 (and beyond). Thus it makes sense to probably more akin to something I’d write for The Athletic or include the 2022 bid approval along with the FAAn Award When Saturday Comes. Except even that isn’t accurate. These announcement on the originally scheduled date of March 28, days When Saturday Comes is a glossy sports magazine. 2021 (via Zoom meeting, or some such, and MC’d by the When it started, back in 1986, it had more in common, admirable Jerry Kaufman), if the current organizing team production wise, with older music fanzines like ZigZag and goes ahead with Plan B or B2. This might even be a Sniffin’ Glue (Don’t be fooled, Sniffin’ Glue may have looked worthwhile exercise even if we end up with Plan C, since it ratty and amateur, but it was an undoubted art student allows the next organizing group to at least define tentative production) than Shoot! Or Goal! and developed alongside plans and options. (and outlasted) various “lads mags” like Maxim. Although Andy Lyons, the editor of WSC since its inception, would There are, I know, sekrit smoffish discussions ongoing disagree, it was always and still is just a hair’s breadth from (because I’m part of them), but I also feel it’s relevant to being a bantz mag despite its advocacy for the formation of solicit general opinion, don’t I always ey? the Football Supporters Association and other activities designed to make following sport seem like a mature, adult

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pastime. (Bantz, or Banter: in the modern sense, the Marcus Rashford is a very talented young footballer who is supposedly playful or teasing exchange of friendly argument destined to be thought of in the same way as Harry Kane in which is really just covering up the staging and rutting of five or six years’ time, I certainly wouldn’t object to seeing groups of usually white males with small penises.) him in a Spurs shirt (a quick confession: I agree with Nic that Having said that I didn’t like my last column, it was a Kane is a largely over-rated player and, if anything, Rashford column that needed to be written before I could launch into should achieve more in his career, but it can hardly be denied this one. A month or thereabout, in football as in life in that Kane has done a wonderful job of refining and applying general, can be a long time and an awful lot seems to have the skills he does have. I saw him play a match on loan for happened since that last column. Accusations of corruption Leyton Orient when he was a teenager and thought he was loom large in most of them. more likely to forge a career as a dray horse than a footballer). Rashford also seems to be a very decent young It didn’t have to be that way though. Marcus Rashford man and has continued to apply pressure to Johnson and the (pictured below), the young Manchester United forward, government. It’s only a matter of time before another singlehandedly unleashed a political storm against the U.K.’s “compromise” cave-in of some sort in the run-up to own rotund, blonde turd by instigating a twitter campaign to Christmas, one which will probably end up costing the get the government to provide free school meals during half- government more than it “saved” first time around. term for underprivileged children in the midst of a pandemic. Of course, Boris could only respond one way: he In the midst of this shit-storm and coincidentally coinciding said “no”, and started wheeling out excuses about £63million with an international break, the Premier League big boys - having already been provided to local authorities for this Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester purpose. The local authorities collectively threw up their City, and Tottenham, known as the “Big Six” – attempted a arms asking: “Blimey, how much is this £63million supposed power grab by proposing to bail out the lower league clubs to cover?” To which Boris and his crew of happy loons who are suffering most hardship financially with no responded: “Everything we say it should.” supporters being allowed to attend games in exchange for pretty much wholesale power over the entire footballing Many businesses and charities have stepped into the breach landscape in England. The attempt floundered at a meeting to offer free meals for children in their localities not just for of Premier League clubs when it was also revealed that the half-term but also in the run-up to Christmas whilst Tory Premier League would be reduced from twenty teams to MP Ben Bradley accused parents of spending food vouchers eighteen and parachute payments to relegated teams – in brothels and crack dens. The working girls and drug payments designed to soften the financial blow to those dealers I’ve encountered in the past all seemed to prefer clubs as television and gate revenue reduced, usually for cash, so maybe Bradley has watched the movie Personal three years after relegation on a sliding scale – would be Services a few times too often with his trousers round his withdrawn. At this point the ex-Manchester United player ankles and got the details a little mixed up. Bradley’s fellow and Sky Television football pundit Gary Neville, along with Tory MP Selaine Saxby continued the theme and tweeted: “I a selection of Football Association administrative alumni, am delighted our businesses have bounced back so much called for root and branch reform of the sport’s after lockdown they are able to give away food for free, and administration in England and said if the sport itself very much hope they will not be seeking any further wouldn’t do it, the government should. government support.” Even Trump seems preferable to this lot. A series of exchanges, mostly played out on the back pages of newspapers, between Neville and the Premier League’s spokespeople ensued before another bombshell dropped onto the sports pages: Liverpool, Manchester United and “three other” Premier League clubs had been meeting with representatives from the top sides on continental Europe about the formation of a European Super League… again! Suddenly the shit-storm comes into clear focus. Remember all those times I’ve talked about the finances of football and football clubs? Let’s go back there for a minute. Liverpool, currently on a high after winning the Champions League in 2018-19 and the Premier League in 2019-20, are owned by Fenway Sports, owners of the Boston Red Sox. Liverpool has a stadium with a capacity of 54,000 in a city of approximately 520,000 people which they share with Everton, who have a stadium with a capacity of just shy of 40,000. Even the area of

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Greater Merseyside only houses 1.4million people; London brands” of the clubs they own, for which read “make more has a population of between 9 and 11million people. Everton money from”, whilst Abramovich would love to find a way are in the midst of building a new stadium; plans have been to retrieve the half-a-billion quid plus he has sunk into submitted and approved by the local authority, the land has Chelsea over the years. The Glaziers at Manchester United been purchased, spades should thud into mud once the are still trying to shore up their shopping mall business in current pandemic is over and things return to a semblance of the U.S. and pay-off the colossal loans they took out to build normal, if not earlier. Let’s do the same exercise for same with money from the club, which admittedly turns a Manchester: United’s Old Trafford stadium has a capacity of healthy profit. Fenway is in talks with Red Bull about selling 74,000; City’s Etihad Stadium hosts 55,000 for domestic a stake in the organisation to raise cash; it appears they aren’t football. The city of Manchester has a population of 550,000 exactly rolling in it, and the name of Billy Beane keeps in a greater urban setting of approximately 2.7million cropping up in various despatches. Manchester City and people. Tottenham were never involved in the Super League talks Everton’s proposed new ground will be a state of the art and were probably not fully included in the Premier League facility, similar to the new Tottenham Hotspur stadium, with power grab talks; why would they be? They, along with a capacity of around 48,000. It’ll have a modern waterfront Everton, are the threats that the other four “Big Six” clubs are aspect (to use estate agent speak) and will also be able to trying to protect themselves from. In the meantime, all the host concerts and other large events. Manchester City has talk about root and branch reform has gone quiet and built modern coaching and other sporting facilities around Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, and Chelsea must be the Etihad. Both clubs have newer, very rich ownerships. sweating blood it stays that way. They opened a Pandora’s City has sports holdings in Melbourne, Australia; New York Box and found Gary Neville in the bottom. (where they are rumoured to be opening a new soccer The suspicion has to be that this is a battle postponed, not franchise in the MLS); and across continental Europe. In avoided. The government will probably have to step in and other words, it’s not just United’s neighbours that are save some regional football clubs from extinction, although it “noisy”. It may not seem it on Merseyside yet, but the hasn’t so far, and, at that point, the whole governorship of balance of power is changing in both cities. the Premier League and the game in general will come back Now, let’s turn our focus to London: Tottenham’s new into question. A new governing body is undoubtedly stadium doesn’t need mentioning again (but I will; I’m nice needed, it just remains to be seen who will put it in place. like that) and is already being mentioned as a potential And, last but not least, football fans on Merseyside Superbowl venue. Jose Mourinho is building a decent squad proceeded to show us that the cultural divide that has torn that has genuine title aspirations this season, despite the U.S.A. apart and produced an election that, at the time of everyone (and Jamie Carragher) saying they don’t. Arguably writing, sees an incumbent president making statements to the third best player in the world, Gareth Bale, has rejoined try and deliberately stir up violence and large scale civil them, admitted only on loan in the short term, but it is conflict exists in exactly the same form in the United (now, expected to become a permanent transfer after next season. there’s a joke) Kingdom. Arsenal’s “new” ground, the Emirates Stadium, opened in On Saturday, October 17th Everton hosted Liverpool in the 2006, already looks obsolete in comparison, and Chelsea are Merseyside derby game. In the early stages of the game, unable to get planning permission Virgil Van Dijk, the Liverpool to extend Stamford Bridge and are centre-half, put in a couple of thus “landlocked”. Previous heavy challenges on Everton attempts to buy and get planning players; “imposing himself” it’s permissions for new stadia at called. The commentators agreed Battersea Park and other areas of that he should have been booked West London have been after the second challenge and unsuccessful. Arsenal is owned by undoubtedly would be if another Stan Kroenke, who has sporting challenge like it took place. Roll interests in Los Angeles and forward a few minutes, Liverpool Denver, Colorado. Chelsea is still attack the Everton penalty area, the owned by the Russian oligarch ball runs through towards the Roman Abramovich. Everton goal, Van Dijk runs into the The truth is there is no “Big Six” in box to try and win the ball against the Premier League; there are three the Everton goalkeeper, Jordan “big” American owners who are all Pickford, and wallop! Pickford goes looking at how best to “build the in a little high and harder than

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needed on Van Dijk, Van Dijk is injured and needs surgery fawns off chair]. I suspect Jeff Schalles could also kick in on his knee ligaments, and some poor excuses for half-wits his share of taxi tales...]] make death threats against Pickford, who is subsequently ✻ ✻ ✻ given a police escort from the ground on the day and has a private security guard provided by Everton for a period From: [email protected] whilst waiting for the furore to die down. There’s no doubt Pickford can be a bit reckless at times in his play, but there’s October 11 also very little doubt in my mind that Pickford was going William Breiding writes: into the challenge a little more robustly than he needed to Before it runs away from me I wanted to get back to you on exactly because Van Dijk had already done exactly the same This Here...#34. I feel duty bound to loc but my problem thing to other players without punishment and was comes in twofold. Frequently I have nothing to say. And expecting the same. Contrast that with Liverpool fans who, then there is the problem of getting tired of hearing my own when asked to stump up £14.95 to watch a match on Pay Per voice/opinions. These two things often stop me from loccing View channels as per the poorly advised compromise the a fanzine properly. Now that I am doing a fanzine again I try Premier League came up with to allow fans access to games to tell myself that trade is enough. But the guilt I feel tells me whilst live attendance is prohibited by the government, otherwise. raised nearly £150,000 for a local foodbank by telling the Premier League to stick it and watched illegal feeds of the The Bruce Townley quote made me roar with laughter. game over the internet instead. Newcastle fans raised over Thanks for the write up on Portable Storage Four. It gave me a £50,000 for a local foodbank on Tyneside, Spurs fans raised better understanding of why you are so obsessed with the another £150,000 for a foodbank in Tottenham, the fans of FAAns. Unlike you I don’t need, or want, to be surrounded just about every Premier League club have effectively told by familiar names and faces, or a context. I have consciously the Premier League to sit on a large metal spike and swivel pulled people whose work I admire into my sphere that are and the Pay Per View model will be dropped after the next outside the Corflu/fanzine fan axis—fans like Dale Nelson, International break over the weekend of November 14/15. Alva Svoboda, Billy Wolfenbarger, Gary Casey, and yes, We await details of the next poorly thought-out compromise David Shea, who will be appearing with an article in the fifth from the Premier League whilst sitting in the new poorly issue. It could be argued that you and I, until recently, were thought-out compromise lockdown that is due to last till outside each other’s sphere. I like good writing wherever I December 2nd but everyone knows will last longer, be find it. And while a recent lochack said the writing in relaxed in time for Christmas, and then re-imposed after Portable Storage was “varying” I wouldn’t agree with that. New Year’s Day. Like you, I think it has more to do with that lochack’s tastes Anyone who thinks football fans will be back in stadiums and interests if boredom sets in, not the writing, which, anytime this season is seriously deluding themselves, but we invariably, is good. I also try to include non-fan friends may have to suffer a compromise at some point. I can’t wait because I think, regardless of its fannish/sf orientation, there to write about it. is enough there to hold the interest of any inquiring mind. [[Bob Jennings, in an admirably lengthy (qv Andy Hooper’s comments on zine reviewing in PS4) review column which LOCO CITATO also includes Opuntia and My Back Pages (Fadeaway #64, [[“There is a place in society for nasty-minded, rude available on efanzines, natch, and recommended) says, in people” (Peter Cook)...]] part, regarding this here loccol, “Everybody gets his or her say, but Nic gets the last word, every time”. I might be about to prove his slightly dubious point (his remarks are From: [email protected] generally positive, but there are a couple of factual October 10 inaccuracies worthy of The Zine Dump), but anent fannish Gregory Benford writes: matters in particular, I don’t think there’s any such thing as a “last word”. I am, though, going to respond to you at Dead right. William Breiding’s Portable Storage 4 shows length, no surprise there ey? I’d suggest you’ve again how broad an essayist he is. Like Platt's autobio, it misinterpreted me to an extent by stating that I “need, or fearlessly shows how many bad decisions and turgid luck want” familiarity and context. I often blame one can bear... as does TH... misunderstandings of this kind on me not having expressed I read it always; like the taxi stories. You could write a myself clearly enough, so that’s not a knock on you by any memoir using them... BEHIND THE WHEEL. means - I value all correspondence, and yours is no [[Always good to hear, however briefly, that the zine is being exception, whether done from an odd position of “guilt” or read, especially by a luminary such as yerself [fawn, fawn, otherwise.

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I’m still wont to cringe whenever I have no interest in debating this, or see phrases like “the Corflu / justifying my stance. It is what it is, fanzine fan axis”, but the which is just a god damned hobby observable fact is that there is a that I (we) do because it interests wagon-circling tendency among a us and I (we)find a fun thing to do. few of that actually diffuse group, [[I am in full agreement with that a tendency which is elitist and paragraph...]] prone to attitudes of exclusivity. I It has been an absolute delight to could draw an obvious footy see Alan White all over comparison, the self-considered everywhere in fanzines lately. He is elite within an elite of the so-called a veritable font of creativity, not to “top six” teams in the English mention of youth. Premier League. I found it telling that in FAAn award discussion, This issue’s pieces by Julie when Andy Hooper talked about a McMurray are truly beautiful. I “fair fight” in the genzine category, didn’t know her name, but glad to he mentioned only three titles, become acquainted. Thank you. although I’m rather sure he’d now [[I’ve been well pleased that Julie (and rightly) add Portable Storage has allowed me to feature her work to his minimalist slate of in these pages...]] contenders. It’s also observably ✻ ✻ ✻ true, though, that (as I stated in a recent loc to The Zine Dump,) there are constantly From: mark.fi[email protected] appearing names at the top of the polls, and that’s simply October 11 because they’re consistently terrific, although there’s also a case to be made for lack of awareness of what’s going on in Mark Plummer writes: some less travelled parts of the fanzine Faniverse. To stretch I won’t claim this represents the beginning of a new pattern the footy analogy, perhaps to breaking point, the FAAn of timeliness but I thought I’d make an effort to say awards still await their Leicester City. something about This Here... #34 now rather than waiting for You remark: “It could be argued that you and I, until the reminder of the imminent manifestation of #35 which recently, were outside each other’s sphere”, and that’s will probably drop into my inbox just as I’m up against some practically a classic DoBFO memo, innit? I do, however, crucial if self-imposed deadline to complete the filing of old find that we have much in common, at least in terms of bank statements or John Bangsund fanzines. broad fannish philosophy, if not necessarily specific areas of Although first a couple of things entirely tangential. There interest: the fannish stuff / music / tv / footy melange in this was a story in The Guardian a month ago concerning “Tory publication reflects my personal enthusiasms, as it should, peer accused of breaching ministerial code with Uganda and unless you are Iain Purdie (Liam Proven’s loc, lastish) deals” and on further examination it does indeed concern a or David Hodson you aren’t going to be necessarily into all Conservative Baroness who had some questionable business of those things, and it’s quite all right to skip the bits that dealings with Uganda. Perhaps another example of a classic don’t engage you - although it’s not quite as all right to euphemism no longer working for a younger generation. I moan about their inclusion as one of your own understand that if you talk about “taking coals to correspondents apparently did, disguising that with the Newcastle” to somebody under 30 they have no idea what “varying” comment. As I commented to you about PS3 (the you’re on about. San Francisco ish), I clearly wasn’t your audience there, but [[It’s also entirely possible that age is irrelevant when it the more sensible point is that there was a substantial comes to people having no idea what I’m talking about...]] constituency engaged with it, which is all good...]] Also I read the other day that Ruby Murray/curry rhyming On a slightly different note, re: FAAns, I find that I have a slang may be attributable to Billy Connolly which struck me much narrower band of fanzines that I find interesting, and as surprisingly recent as presumably it means it's only been worthy. Some of the fanzines that you cite as worthy of around for forty-odd years. Then again, I see that some bloke FAAn nomination I find of little value, regardless of called Jeff claims to have invented the term in Majorca in longevity, frequency or intent. Indeed, I have ironically 1967 so I guess we’ll never know for sure. While looking it thought that E.B. Frohvet could easily have used me as an up it dawned on me that I had no idea who Ruby Murray example of a fanzine elitist. But by the same token, I always was. try to be as inclusive as possible - as long as it interests me. I

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[[Further convo ensued in which I recalled that the only I do take account of frequency when thinking about FAAn person I’d ever heard use “Ruby Murray” as slang for votes. Yes, it is a fit-for-purpose consideration to a degree but “curry” in real life was Doug Bell, possibly giving credence I think a lot of the time the kind of things I value in a fanzine to Scots origins. Mark happened to be having an online chat are more likely to manifest in something that appears more with Doug at the time, and the latter denied even having than once every year or two although there are inevitably heard the term before. Conjecture followed about the exceptions. And I mostly agree when you say, “There’s likelihood of drink having been taken by either or both of us almost no excuse for not expending some effort on fanzine at the time (as close as you’ll get to a sure thing, as my design”, the mostly being that I think it’s an option to go for recollection was of one of the Legendary Novacon Teck something very basic and that's almost certainly better than Room Parties), but I remain convinced that those words doing something fancy badly. But that still involves making emanated from that Caledonian gob...]] the effort to do very basic so maybe I just agree. Anyway, to #34 and your explanation of your [[Well yeah, and I’ve specifically cited Banana Wings as a unconventional sleeping patterns. I suspect that left to my premier example of non-flashy but exceptionally functional own devices and free of external demands I’m probably a design. I suppose you could stick BEAM at the other end of “late” person but I've forced myself into an early-rising the scale, even though the print version for which it’s pattern -- by most people's standards rather than yours -- designed is done in very limited quantities. Perhaps because of the demands of work. It’s not that I have to start interesting to note that I’ve adapted Apple Pages templates early but because I know I can finish early and it's the best for both that title and This Here..., and in fact simplified way to be sure I make up the hours. I've never had to work them to my needs, since the bells and whistles in the fixed times, always only within certain parameters, and so provided versions were fuckin’ deafening. There’s a definite there was always the knowledge that come 3:30 I could danger in design disappearing up its own arse to the point finish. Under current conditions -- still homeworking (nearly that it obscures content. [koff Journey Planet koff] and seven months now) -- I try to maintain the early-start that’s something I consciously try to avoid. A few might pattern. The original thinking was that I didn’t want to break have noticed some perhaps subtle changes in presentation the habit and create a problem with adjustment when we between issues #14 and #15 of BEAM, which were finally return to primarily office-based working, although improvements suggested insisted upon, inevitably, by Ulrika god knows when that will be, if indeed we ever return O’Brien, who is astonishingly on top of that sort of thing. I entirely to the Old Ways. suspect most neutral observers would find that the attention [[Thinking about it, I’ve always been an early riser. In my to seemingly tiny detail we go into is utterly ridiculous. For early teens I’d be up while the sparrows were still trying to example, perhaps in tune with the issue number, I think we discover the wherewithal to execute flatulence, and I’d cycle went through fifteen versions of the cover before we settled the five miles from Pirton to Hitchin, do a paper round then on it, just about all of which involved changes in placement cycle back in time to change into school uniform and get the (some quite minimal) of Ulrika’s titling design on Sarah bus to be educated. When I moved back to Hitchin after 7 Felix’s superb artwork. Madness? Quite possibly, but those years in the Smoke I had over an hour’s commute back into are the decisions you make when, I suppose, you’ve got the London, as the Scholl(UK) offices (and factory, at that time) reputation of having to live up to an amount of coo-er-gosh were on St. John Street, south of Angel, Islington. Not long in the appearance of your publication, rather than the after they moved to Luton I’d been banned from driving, so expected (and it must be said again, exemplary) pure it took almost the same amount of time to do that much functionality of Banana Wings, or perhaps even This shorter journey by bus(es). After moving to the States the Here...]] first couple of (computer programming) jobs were also over Your suggestion to George Phillies, that N3F members an hour commute each way. Working construction after that could be encouraged to “subscribe to Bill Burns’ efanzine was always an early start, so these days, doing the even update emails”, seems entirely sensible to me. I’m on a list more mental taxi hours isn’t that much of a stretch...]] where one individual keeps forwarding various media I was a little confused by your description of ‘Raised By releases in case they're of interest, seemingly not realising Wolves’ as “a much more philosophical type of skiffy, that if they were the rest of us would simply subscribe to although it does have its share of grim dystopian violence” them too and cut out the middle man. because I don’t think there's anything particularly science- [[I’ve also noted what I might call an obdurate resilience fictional about a story of teenage girls growing up on a over at N3F to acknowledge that the majority of fanzines council estate in Wolverhampton. That’s when I realised that now don’t have a print edition. A fanzine review piece in one there are two wholly separate American and British shows of their zines appeared to include just the two zines that share a name but really not much else. Well, perhaps physically received, and a rather plaintive request that apart from the grim dystopian bit. they’d like to get more. So yeah, passing on (or encouraging

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subscription to) Bill’s updates would be a good move, From: [email protected] because there seems to be minimal awareness of the wider October 14 fanzine community, something George could easily remedy...]] Jerry Kaufman writes: Steve Jeffery’s comment on #33’s mention of “Christians I loved your taxi tale of the man with hundreds. I heard Against Dinosaurs” prompted me to look them up, although some good quick stories on the radio this morning, though I immediately became sidetracked by the Facebook group not to do with fake money. John, the dj, working from home, Dinosaurs Against Christians Who Are Against Dinosaurs. had his wife talk about the theft of their car years before. The point of the story was that the car was recovered, but wife’s And as you mention Doctor Rob’s plan for next year’s favorite Cocteau Twins CD was gone. So listeners emailed Corflu I’ll take the opportunity to commend him for being their own music related car theft stories. One woman was clear on options and timescales, and also for not considering miffed that thieves did not take any of her CDs - she thought a full virtual alternative. I think there’s probably merit in they were dissing her taste. Another reported that his car virtual conventions on the better-than-nothing principle and was stolen but the CD he had in the player was left on the they can probably be done well with a bit of thought but that grass, the thieves apparently being no fans of bluegrass. doesn’t mean we have to virtualise everything. [[I once had my car broken into (but not stolen) back in I am afraid I didn’t know the meaning of “envoi” but I've Hitchin, and the thieves took all the cassettes I had in there. looked it up now. I strongly doubt that they’d have been impressed by the [[I’ll look forward to seeing it accurately used in a Zydeco collection, although the Stranglers extended mixes ‘Roadrunner’ column, then...]] might have been listened to...]] ✻ ✻ ✻ I’m really glad you liked Tales from the Loop. I watched it months ago and tried to promote to all my friends, who all From: [email protected] said nothing much, politely, in response. I liked its quiet tone October 12 and steady pacing, the way the episodes interlocked, the themes of loneliness, love, separation, and especially the Fred Lerner writes: way things that the characters were used to - or surprised by Thanks for This Here... . I enjoyed reading it, even the parts I - were not explained to the viewer. I did find Stalenhag’s didn’t understand. As usual I haven’t got anything to say book in our local Barnes & Noble, took a quick look through about the FAAn Awards, as I think that (like the Retro it, and, although it was intriguing, left it on the shelf. Hugos) they’re a bad idea that is best ignored. Dave Hodson’s distinction between “laws” and “rules” I have got something to say about Brussels sprouts, though, doesn’t work for me. He says, “Rules are hard and fast,” but and it’s simply this: try preparing the way that the rules “are made to be broken,” as common parlance has it. vegetarian cookbook ‘Tassajara Cooking’ suggests. I’ve They are often bent, too, and if written with the slightest enclosed a photocopy of their recipe. I hope you enjoy it. ambiguity or slackness, can be interpreted in a variety of [[That does look all right, but Jen couldn’t have it because of ways. As I’m not a footy fan, I had to puzzle out what the orange juice...]] “handball” is from context. (A quick glance at Google has ✻ ✻ ✻ shown me I did figure it out.) [[The “handball” law used to be, fairly simply, that if the ball inadvertently touched or (more seriously) was deliberately played by touch from the bottom of the shoulder down then that was an offense under the laws punishable by a free kick or penalty. To an extent, that’s still the case. Back in the day, the referee had leeway to decide whether a handball was fully “inadvertent” if, say, the ball was thumped against a player unable to get out of the way, and not a deliberate attempt by that

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player to influence or control the flight and direction of the believable than those of the current age. Perhaps that’s what ball. The current modification and application of the law is comes from being cooped up with nothing but old fanzines overthought to the point of insanity, requiring a judgement to occupy my mind. I’m hoping I will feel better when this as to whether the potentially offending player has his arms chapter is written. in a “natural profile”. What this means in effect is that the In the meantime, I found myself thoroughly confused by arms have to be tucked close to the body for a handball not your sleeping habits which read as though they are to be given, so Dave’s example of the Liverpool trick (and gloriously Pre-Raphaelite. Mine are, in contrast, very Crystal Palace manager Roy Hodgson’s observation) is spot classical. Up around 6am. Do stuff. Have a nananap if on - sneaky forwards are going to try to play the ball onto a necessary in the early pm, Do more stuff. Watch some tv. Do player’s arm deliberately. I differ with Dave on “laws” and even more stuff. Bed at midnight. None of this involves “rules”. Our footy has “laws of the game” which, however grog. This is not my Methodist upbringing coming into play, misguided in their changing expression and execution are I wouldn’t mind knocking back a bit around the ‘Watch firm and fixed. “Rules”, if they can even be said to exist will come tv’ period but that would plays havoc with the ‘Do be tested, bent and even broken. Now this might just be a even more stuff’ phase and the people down the street don’t difference in what we mean by the words we say, and I don’t appreciate the snoring that goes with the ‘Bed at midnight’ edit Dave’s opinions to comply with my own, as I’m sure he phase. The most remarkable snoring we ever heard was the would attest...]] noted writer Bert Chandler who we heard at one convention. Mike Glyer’s suggestion of Retro-FAAn Awards, and the fun It explained to us why his wife kept him going back to we could have with them, made me laugh out loud. Good captain ships rather than keeping her awake at home. Valma one, Mike! would send me to sea too if I took to drink any time after Steve Jeffery talks about his style, or lack thereof. Steve about 10am, and I don’t think the sun is over the yard arm kindly sent me a sampling of his art after seeing my letter, that early in the morning. Which is a pity because I’ve got and I’d say he has several different styles and funny ideas. If some lovely bourbon here. Suzle and I had been familiar with his work when we were [[Please do send the bourbon if you’re not going to imbibe it more regularly pubbing Mainstream and Littlebrook, we'd yourself (but not if it’s Jack Daniels, which is swill). My have been happy to publish him. (This may yet happen.) sleep/wake schedule is of course predicated by my work I listened to that version of ‘Jolene’ by Lingua Ignota you hours, which are more or less 3am - 1pm, although as I’ve linked to and enjoyed the strangeness of their take. I looked observed the weekends can be a bit more anarchic and are at the track listings for their two albums, but the titles were generally awash with drink...]] either too religious or too profane for me. I still might try You watch a lot of interesting tv. Valma and I only have them sometime to see of the music overcomes my prejudices. Netflix so it means our streaming is limited. We watch some I enjoyed Julie McMurray’s art, though I printed the issue in of the local tv news to find out how the virus is going but black & white, and still have to show Suzle the pdf so she turn over to Netflix as soon as there is even the hint of a can enjoy the colors. I liked Harry Bell’s cartoon; oddly, I report on what is going on in the US because it is too found the modeling of Mr. Bulky reminded me of Dan alarming to think upon. On Netflix we’ve taken in the Steffan’s way with heads and torsos. occasional movie but we’ve been watching, with morbid curiosity verging on obsession, Forensic Files. How many ✻ ✻ ✻ ways can evil minded people find to kill other people and how will the noble scientists catch them From: [email protected] out. They get through an awful lot in October 15 twenty minutes and what we are Leigh Edmonds writes: learning is all the ways that we thought we could get away with murder that I’m in two minds at the moment. On they know how to detect. I was the one hand I’m living in 1955 in the chatting to an ex-copper friend about middle of a gigantic fan feud that will this and he reminded me that there probably end fandom as we know it should be another show in which the and at the same time I’m living in a noble scientists don’t catch the fantastical world where people are murderers, which might be very dropping like flies around the globe educational. It’s not great television and there is a nut job in charge of but, as I said, it’s morbidly fascinating everything, the kind of thing that no and at the moment it might be about stfnal writer could have imagined. the best that our enfeebled brains can Somehow the events of 1955 seem more

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cope with. particular are very active indeed. It’s always a risk that any [[You should probably get Amazon Prime...]] organization of this type might become myopically bound by rules and procedure - it’s been noted, for example, that a David Hodson has opened Pandora’s can of worms with his form “Welcome to Fandom!” letter was sent to a rejoining long discussion of handling balls. There is, of course, a member who’d been around the Faniverse for several simple solution to the problem. Stop televising the matches millennia. I don’t think it’s necessarily paradoxical that my and let the umpires [sic} do the best they can. Not going to own view of fandom as highly individualistic if not actually happen, I hear you say. I don’t mind television replays and anarchic is perceptively in conflict with my desire for a delays while the officials sort it out but I do object to the coherent procedure for things like the FAAn awards, but no occasions when the halt in play goes against the flow of the doubt we could argue that over a snifter or three of that game. If folks did not take their sport so seriously then bourbon, whereupon Valma would exile us both to the high perhaps they wouldn’t get so steamed up about the seas, no doubt...]] occasional wrong decision and the world would be a happier place. Or perhaps it’s all done deliberately so that the legion Reading my own letter I see that I was worrying myself silly of commentators on sport have something to talk about to fill about the possibility of the Melbourne Football Club making in their allotted time in sports programs. But don’t ask me, I it into the AFL finals. Fortunately this didn’t happen and so don’t listen to/watch any of them. I’ve been an unbiased, and largely uninterested, spectator at the final this year. I wore my Melbourne face mask out the [[The oft-quoted remark (possibly by legendary manager Bill other day when I was shopping and had a long discussion Shankly) is “Football is not a matter of life and death. It’s about the club with the shop assistant who was also a much more important than that”...]] Melbourne supporter in one shop while the electronic Golly, is the N3F still going? Thanks for the offer, George payment process was taking an eternity. Conversations [Phillies], but I swore off organizations like Comorg and the between Melbourne fans usually takes the same format of ASFA in 1968 - or was it it ‘69 - and I’m not going to break commiserations, comments on the players who are doing the habit of almost a life time now. In my current fanzine well and then half-hearted hopes for the future and the reading, Scansion 1955-56, there was something of a debate acknowledgment of the bitter disappointments that about the value of organizations in fandom and the inevitably follow. It turned out that she was born the same suggestion that most of the major fannish achievements have year that Melbourne last won the flag, in 1964. I refrained been by individuals or small groups that have come together from telling her that I could remember the Grand Final win for a specific purpose such as running conventions. I tend to in 1956, I didn’t want to seem that old. agree and as far as I will go is membership of an apa or a I had a chuckle at your quote; “Everyone in town looks like convention committee, when I was young and silly enough they flew in on Spirit Airlines”. Being a bit of a fan of the to like that kind of thing. airline industry this made sense to me and probably most [[Individual vs Organization is an interestingly arguable Americans who’ve been tempted to use their minimal point. I could point to groups such as the UK’s BSFG services. Among my many sins I am currently making some (Birmingham Science Fiction Group) who have been active models of Airbus A.320s and A.321s and it crossed my mind for many years, running a well-regarded annual convention to make a Spirit A.321 since they look so nice in that yellow (Novacon) which would have celebrated its 50th year in scheme of theirs. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because 2020 but for the plague. On the other hand we could point to of the conditions inside their attractive fuselages. individuals around whom groups have coalesced for specific On the other hand, I think you might misunderstand me if purposes, eg Greg Pickersgill and the Mexicons, and no I’ve got you right. I don’t find your version of Footy at all doubt several APAs which would have happened as the interesting, in fact if I find myself having to watch it I’ll have result of individual urging, perhaps, but became collectives. a nice nap instead thank you. It has skills, I’ll give you that, The “individual” argument holds water in that someone has but they’re not skills I find very interesting. Most of the time to take point, and the list of “someones” will often become seems to be spent poking at the oppositions defenses and figures of legend and perhaps over-credited for their then making the very occasional break through that the little achievements which might not or could not have occurred chap in the goals denies. It’s a bit like watching the seige without the input and commitment of others. N3F gets part of an attack on a castle. American football isn’t much perhaps unfairly derided, having been variously described as better, if you get bored during the interminable “fandom on training wheels” but perhaps more latterly as a rearrangement of teams and close your eyes for a second last redoubt of optimistic naivete, an “Old Fans’ Home” of you’re likely to miss the exciting bit. As for Rugby League ... sorts. This is belied by the fact that the organization is how long have you got? There, I feel much better after that highly active (nine fanzines, for one thing), albeit seemingly outburst. That’s what sport is for, after all. dependent on aged carrier pigeons and elastic bands which are past their sell-by date. George, and John Thiel in

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[[I do understand that some uneducated people might over cat pictures, but it seems churlish not to include consider Association Football boring, but then it’s highly yours...]] amusing to consider some of those same people would be ✻ ✻ ✻ glued to a five-day cricket test match. And for the record, in my opinion Rugby League is perhaps the second-best sport in the world. First, if you’re Graham James. (Test cricket is a close third)...]] I was struck by David Redd’s comments about the current state of the world and what might be normal one of these days. The news of what is happening in the western world (North America and Europe) is amazing, which is, I guess, the result of a half-hearted attempt to keep the virus under control. Strict and long lasting lock-downs in Australia, and Melbourne in particular, have had the result of keeping the infection and death rates down to manageable levels but the populace is starting to complain more than usual so restrictions will no doubt be lifted a bit and the infection rate will go up again. The general attitude seems to be becoming that people want to go about their ‘normal’ daily lives so long as the virus doesn’t effect them. Who knows what will happen when the virus does get out of control again and we get back to having the 700 infections a day in Victoria rather than the 7 we have now. No doubt, as David says, another From: [email protected] round of lock downs. I can tell you what it means to Valma October 15 and I, since we are in the lucky situation to be able to do it, David Cockfield writes: keeping ourselves out of the public as much as possible and wearing masks and washing our hands til they bleed when Hopefully I’ll get my head together to do a loc soon. we do have to go out. There may be an end to this exciting Unfortunately I’m up to my bollocks in problems. life style somewhere down the track, but I can’t see it at the Amazingly TH... is a breath of sanity in an otherwise chaotic moment. world. When I get back on track you will probably hear more Golly, we got to page 16 and ran out of letters. A thinner from me and actual comments on [the ish]. issue means less strain on the old brain cells. I noted your I was rather conscious that my last loc was more about me mention of the amazing Portable Storage 4 which was so huge than the content of your great fanzine. and impressive and magnificent that it overwhelmed me. A [[I think that there’s almost always an element of “letter fanzine of that size is something you put on your ‘current substitute” in a loccol, especially in a reasonably frequent reading’ pile to dip into, not something to read from cover to zine - this could well be said to hark back to the “old days” cover in one sitting. Which is a pity because I suspect that it before all this FBF and Twitter instantly forgettable thus will receive less feedback than it deserves. On the other “communication” in that we have a designated place, if we hand, the much shorter This Here ... is the kind of thing that I want to perhaps grandly call it that, where we can see how can take in and enjoy without feeling, as I said, everyone’s doing. Most if not all locs to this here fishwrap overwhelmed. include bits of “what’s been going on here” to a greater or [[Well, judging by PS4, I don’t think that nice Mr Breiding is lesser degree, and I’m both pleased and humbled by the lacking for reader response, including from you...]] observation that these are pretty fuckin’ worldwide, aren’t Although I won’t get to it, I think that putting Corflu off for a they?...]] year to see how we go is the best thing to do. ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’ was a good movie. My Again I was aiming for a short letter and again I’ve failed. life at the moment isn’t. It’s all your fault. Now, let’s head back to 1955. To add to I suppose that the good is that I still feel healthy and the size of this email I cannot resist sending you a photo that surprisingly sane and not stressed out given problems I have I just took of our cat Tristan sitting in his box and doing his been facing. I’m probably suffering from a severe case of Noel Coward imitation. All he needs is his cigarette holder, denial. The scaffolding and covering on my block of flats has which, unfortunately, he seems to have lost under the fridge. now all gone and I have my beautiful view back. [[Being a dog person myself (and that often feels like an [[I’m tempted to reply that I remain unhealthy and insane, oppressed minority in the Faniverse), I don’t go ga-ga woo and I’m sure there are those who would concur...]]

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The bad is that it looks like London will be in a tier 2 The trouble is, I find that (certainly at the moment) debating Lockdown from midnight Friday. I had hoped to have a last the administrivia of the FAAns, and by extension the FAAns drink with my friend John at the Dartford Social Club this themselves (for what else does anyone ever debate about the afternoon but I have had to cancel to get some of the ugly FAAns?) fights quite a closely-matched battle against football sorted out. Repairing the hole in the wall. in the Things I’m Not Very Interested In stakes. I had a team So no more drinking in pubs or clubs for a while. when I was little, because everyone at school did. Everyone else wanted Liverpool or Man Utd (I remember Leeds being It will be red wine and whisky indoors for the next couple of treated with scorn for some reason, possibly Billy Bremner...), weeks. but I was a selfish entitled brat and I wanted a team all to [[There are worse things...]] myself, so at random I picked Bolton Wanderers, who were The ugly is called water. In 2020 it has been the bane of my promptly relegated and have eked out a miserable existence life. A neighbour across from me had his water tanks ever since, culminating in the usual sale of ground, financial replaced and the idiots who did it didn’t empty them or turn crisis, spell of management by Sam Allardyce (to be fair he the stop cocks off. The landing flooded and the water came did play for them) and near oblivion. But one of the into my flat about 2 foot past the front door. My kitchen was unexpected bonuses of transitioning was that I am no longer then flooded from the flat above causing tiles to come off the expected to hold opinions on footy, and so I don’t, save for wall and water to flood out of my ceiling light fittings. the now-unfashionable former British trait of rooting for the underdog in massively unbalanced cup ties. Recent rain storms saw water come through one of my new double glazed windows but that is hopefully now fixed. [[The “no longer expected to hold opinions on footy” Water also caused problems travelling under mastic on an statement left me feeling uneasy about its gender-themed outside wall possibly causing water to seep through the implication, but I think I may comprehend now that it’s as concrete into my inner wall. When the scaffolding was much a statement on the inherent prejudices of the grate removed the banging caused a large chunk of concrete to fall unwashed used, perhaps, as a convenient excuse for the fact out of a balcony wall. That at least is being fixed this that you (and others) are just not interested in what they afternoon. tend to derisively refer to as “sportsball” at all, or just not into our kind of footy in particular. I’m bound to note that Pictures reflecting all of this attached. Watford FC’s image and genuine philosophy of being a I turn 69 next so I guess that I have something to look “family club”, however belied by the fact that we’ve been forward to. tagged as having the sweariest fans in the entire league, may account for the fact that my best expat Hornet mate (albeit three time zones away) is Nikki Basar, and we habitually message each other during games, the electric prune time-trousers skiffiness of it all travelling instantaneously from the blazing aridness of the Nevada desert to and from her igloo on the frozen tundra of excessively Northern parts. Perhaps to embarrass her further (but how could you possibly diss someone whose grandfather’s ashes were scattered on the Vicarage Road pitch), we “met” via an online fan group, and connected initially as expat (and perhaps equally isolated) fans of the team, but also subsequently discovered a shared ✻ ✻ ✻ leftist political tendency and an equal clear eye for the team’s performance as well as a reflexive dislike for the From: [email protected] professional complainers who sadly inhabit any group of October 19 any hobby...]] Sandra Bond writes: Luckily there is more of my kind of meat in the letters. Braced myself to catch up on email today, as one of the Steve Jeffery, as this modest fellow always seems to, takes things I’d let slide while mesmerised like a chicken with a too harsh a view on himself as fanartist. Steve, buddy, I chalk line with the issue of finishing the novel I began in remember the ‘Gashleyfan Tinies’ very well and with lockdown, and what do you know there's a TH... in it. I now affection; I have always liked Gorey and, while a fannish understand why you were so keen to turn the conversation version of him was I suppose inevitable, I'm glad it was you to the FAAn Awards when we spoke on messenger earlier. who made it. (“X is for Xerxes -- what’s he doing here?” That’s from memory.) No, Steve should not be ashamed of his ability to pastiche other artistes. Bill Bailey has built his

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entire act for decades on riffing off other musicians ancient Does Wm Breiding have an email address? I’m not on his and modern and nobody thinks him any less talented for it. mailing list and I would like to be. [[And now I’m wondering whether an updated version is [[Stated above his loc...]] long overdue, if any of us has the time to write it...]] We can perhaps excuse Baden-Powell to an extent as “being Steve Jeffery is the Bill Bailey of fandom, and there are a lot of his time”; the problem is that there are still far too many of worse things to be. people who think that time is still now. Like for instance an N3F member. I really don’t want to have I remember finding the US release of ‘Is Vic There’ (different to break a lifetime's self-denial and expend fannish verbiage B side to the UK) in a crate in a Vegas record store just after on pulling wings off the N3F, but jesus. This is an the 2012 Corflu. Classic song. So is ‘10538 Overture’. Let's organisation of sf fans -- of sf fans who have traditionally have more music and less footy next time, guv’nor. seen their fanac as something noble and pure, untainted by [[You’ll get both music and footy, I’m afraid...]] the grubbiness of more social fandom. And here they are ✻ ✻ ✻ with an email bounce which chokes if you feed it two megs of data, which means that they are drifting along twenty From: [email protected] years behind the frontier of their beloved technology and need to give their neck a wobble (is that the phrase?) Your October 24 decision to withhold the verdict “worse than useless” is Lloyd Penney writes: uncharacteristically chivalrous of you, Nic, because frankly it [...] is -- all the more so when, as you so helpfully point out, there are numerous ways by which they could render this all but There are days the web is quite dull, and is there another worthless service a relevant one with some actual potential channel I can watch? Like Jennifer, I have editorial work I use. can do, but sometimes… I guess I am spoiled rotten, is there anything else I can watch? My sleeping habits are terrible, I must confess, though, that I wonder what the average and some evenings, I get none at all, and drag my carcass neffer would make of TH, or of any fanzine I might ever everywhere. Only with an extra-strength aspirin and a 5mg publish again. A cynic might conclude that we should leave melatonin do I get any sleep at all, and I have to take it just them with their 2mb server chugging peacefully away, but before 9pm. That time is coming up shortly, as I type. hell, fanzine fandom is becoming so fast a contracting universe that one must take signs of life where you can find [[I do note that quite a few peoples’ sleep/wake schedules them. Good on the N3F for still being there. At the end of have gone to shit, but given that I work a fixed schedule then fandom the N3F will fall, Last as they were First, and the I’m required to give mine regularity. J L Farey also has a entropic uniform greyness of eternal gafia will claim us all. very regular ritual, even though she’s worked from home for ever, but that’s possibly a side-effect of having to comport [[Well, I did get a decent loc in a previous ish from “Heath with mine to an extent. She’ll typically be taking a nap after Row” (I’m still not sure if that’s a pseudonym), a neffer of dinner which overlaps with my bedtime, gets back up at standing, which was complimentary but also showed a 6pm-ish then has at work (whether it’s a transcribing gig or fundamental lack of awareness of the wider fanzine ‘Journey Fiction’ publishing stuff, or even looking for other Faniverse. See ‘Indulge Me’ for more on N3F...]] work. She’ll be getting to kip not long before I get up (or Oh yes, Stuart Maconie is proud to the point of smugness sometimes after) and typically wakes up around 10am...]] about having coined the Bob Holness-Baker Street meme. He That show you refer to, written by a Swede, but shot in writes about it in one of his books, though how much trust Canada… there is an awful lot of stuff shot in Canada these you can put in that I don’t know given that, e.g., he spends a days. Anywhere in my area, I can see cast trailers, craft tents long time wittering about Viz magazine under the quite and orange cones everywhere. In fact, where Star Trek: mistaken impression that Big Vern and Cockney Wanker are Discovery is shooting their new 4th season is in a warehouse one and the same character. How much research would that converted to a set of studios in Mississauga, about a ten- have taken to get right?) If you want a true Bob Holness minute drive away from where I am now. weird trivia fact, here’s one; he was the first actor ever to portray the role of James Bond (South African radio play). [[Inspired by a Swede, I think...]] I know I said I wouldn’t comment on the football, but Leigh An envoi is a conclusion to a work, something that ties Edmonds’ interpretation of promotion and relegation being everything up into a tidy bow, and bids you adieu, with the essentially a sporting version of the British national pastime unspoken invitation, when it comes to fanzines to respond of queueing seems spot on to me. and contribute. Some do it, and some do not, but I have studied publication design (still have my university textbook Didn’t eggs in WW2 tend to come as powder?

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about that), and while it is nice to have, I think only a had been on its knees for years even before this.) National handful bother with it. chains are reducing their number of outlets if not pulling out [[I knew that, Lloyd...]] altogether. Found that the Oxfam shop where I’d planned to donate was now only open weekdays. Took shoes for soles- Too many trips to the doctor for all of us. My new general and-heels to local family cobblers and saw only an empty practice MD is now sending me to a urologist, and I have to shop; they’d closed last month. Fifty years ago I knew his save up my blood for sizable withdrawals. My weight is on father, who besides cobbling also sang acceptable West Wales the way down too, and all are symptoms of Getting Older country-and-western as “D.C. and the Dudes”. Sad to see Syndrome. them going under. Among closer friends, more struggles. John Purcell’s sports teams were eliminated? So were mine, One is still working in a national but on half the hours, and the Blue Jays and Raptors. However, Toronto FC is #1 in his wife has lost her job as a national clothing chain goes into their division and in the whole league, and might just be able administration. Income down, fixed costs not. to get the league title for the second time in four years, I [[What, I wonder, might be the opposite of “spinning in the think, I hope. grave”? Whatever it is, joyous skipping over clouds perhaps, My loc… yesterday, we had summery temperatures, and fuckin’ Thatcher is probably doing it...]] went for a walk in Home Smith Park along the side of the So I look for small encouraging signs wherever I can. I make Humber River in Toronto’s west end. Today, back to frosty myself nod approvingly at an envelope from America temps and warmer clothes. The province of Ontario bearing a fine assortment of worthwhile stamp designs, announced close to 1000 cases of COVID-19, and those particularly a six-cents of “SAVE OUR SOIL”. Someone numbers are not going down. We have to deal with idiots must have fought hard to get that slogan in the public eye; who will not wear a mask every day, especially in our thank you, whoever cared enough to make it happen. Worth building, and as said before, I think masks are going to have a smile. to be mandatory if they are going to work. Time to go and take my aspirin and melatonin, and see if I can get a few winks tonight. [...]

✻ ✻ ✻ From: [email protected] October 25 David Redd writes: Thanks for issue 34, a minor miracle that you produced it with such situations in your lives; not sleeping seems the least of it. But great stuff again, good going. (Ditto John Purcell, I note.) And your taxi-driver memoirs (to be collated after retirement!) sound a sure best-seller. [[It’s a thought innit? Be nice to make a bob or two out of that...]] Meanwhile, wish I could report happier times here generally, but Wales is about to go into a “circuit-breaker” lockdown to try to break the spread of Covid-19. Just heard as I write it’ll be rebranded a “firebreak” and be for a fixed period until midnight November 8th. I do hope it works. Meanwhile our economy isn’t in good shape for a bad winter (let alone for Brexit, which you may have noticed now seems Acting before lockdown could return, my daughter even more of a spectacular own goal?) A week ago I made a organised our first and possibly only family outing of 2020. rare trip into town and saw the main streets in a mode of – Folly Farm has remodelled itself into a wildlife park and and I apologise for noting this – shabby winding-down funfair, very successfully, as we’ve seen over the years. appearance. You’d think people had started moving out Currently, their star rhino enclosure features many anti- already; in a sense they had, moving on-line. That day it was poaching boards which certainly got the message to my good to see shoppers masked up well, but there weren’t grand-daughter. The management generally organised enough on the street or going into shops. (Our town centre safety, sanitising and one-way systems very well, and we all

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enjoyed ourselves. My only moment of dismay was in the to suffuse through all elements of society, creating a climate gift shop, with some very nice gifts surrounded by plastic tat of selfishness without any whit of selflessness, hence rubbish (they know what sells) and some little books for kiddies. I strewn across the green and pleasant lands because who failed to find any adult reading whatsoever, on wildlife, gives a fuck...]] conservation, poaching, anything. Unless there was a tiny Apologies for the stop-start composition, about a paragraph shelf somewhere that I missed. Basically, I was seeing the a day. Also sorry haven’t commented further on TH...34, death of printed matter. That’s sad. At least the many read with interest especially the lettercol, but found myself children touring the enclosures were taking an interest in the writing about life instead. Selected highlights only, but gone animals (loved the penguins) and were reading the info and on too long already. Oh well. Normal service will be how-to-help boards. There’s hope but it’ll be a struggle. resumed shortly, and how often have I been saying that Since I started this on-off letter our 17-day national lately? lockdown in Wales has started. Still a few cars passing on [[Welcome to the new normal...]] the main road, about one every 10 seconds, quieter but not stopped as dramatically as last time. We’ll see. Our George Phillies: 8MB for attachments is about where my extended family includes two 18-year-olds at college, one (free) Outlook starts struggling too. Leigh Edmonds: I watch isolating due to contact-tracing and one who was isolating the Tour de France for the scenery, not the fit young men but has now tested positive herself. It touches everyone. who all seem inexplicable mindless clones, even granted the flow dynamics of the peloton. The French camera work One side effect of our lockdown was that people had their always stuns. Otherwise, any more egg jokes out there? th Hallowe’en and November 5 parties early, judging by the Apologies for usual minimal prufing. dead fireworks and squashed pumpkins at Sandy haven car ✻ ✻ ✻ park this week, and by the swede/carrot/etc peelings dumping in our lane since yesterday. I’d rather not be a From: [email protected] Grumpy Old Man but circumstances force me into it. A few October 30 miles away at Penally old army camp, people are still Dave Cockfield writes again: protesting about having a few hundred asylum seekers there in emergency accommodation. Those against include Nic it was good of you to wait for my loc before sending out visiting neo-nazis but also some locals; one woman said she TH...34. It certainly cheers me up seeing it there. didn’t want all those unattached young men near local girls. [[I think you’re taking the piss a bit there mate, since there (She must have been thinking of WWII Americans tempting was another loc after yours. I don’t wait for anything except our womenfolk with chewing gum and nylons.) Local Hod-me-son’s ‘Footy’ column which is the last thing that charity people I know tried helping the refugees and got comes in and thus is usually up-to-date. It’s ready when it’s really appalling on-line abuse. Refugees today, LGBT and ready...]] BAME tomorrow, everyone else next. Be that as it may, this Visually TH... is very colourful this time around with country is still preferable to many others, even if I don’t wonderful compositions by Julie Faith McMurray. always give that impression. It was also great to see some new stuff from Harry Bell. [[It’s still a sad fact that the “utopian socialist” future Bob Jennings has observed (in his TH... review in Fadeaway) I have to confess to not recognising Una Stubbs. She still that I’ll advocate seems as unreachable as ever, though of looks good but seems to have lost that “devil may care” course I’m going to mention Kim Stanley Robinson as post- twinkle that she had in her eyes during her youth. capitalism’s finest (and erudite) advocate. There are twin They don’t make impediments, really, although they are inextricably linked. them like ‘Summer I’ve noted that one essential difference between the UK and Holiday’ or ‘Carry on the USA is that the Brits are inherently xenophobic (Wogs Cleo’ for that matter begin at Calais), while this lot over here are fundamentally anymore. racist. That’s a fine point, I suppose, since the results are [[Er... not Una Stubbs, effectively indistinguishable. Either way there’s not much but here she is from a sign of a decline in thoughtless nationalism, not helped by Grauniad interview a quiet admissions by some of its neoliberal proponents that few years ago, which globalization hasn’t actually worked out so well, but that included the question should have been predictable since the fuckup of the whole “Which living person shebang was clearly predicted by Marxist theory. The (one do you most despise?” hopes, temporary) triumph of capitalism (tending to what Her answer: “Tony I’ve called “ultra-capitalism”) has caused that philosophy Blair”...]]

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As far as Footy is concerned our teams are hanging about From: claire.fi[email protected] near the top of their respective leagues. November 5 Thankfully there is no VAR for them to contend with. Claire Brialey writes: Perhaps I should amend that. There is nothing wrong with I know, of course, that Schrödinger had only a hypothetical VAR. The problem is the numbskulls who interpret the weird cat, and that it could never have known about its quantum new offside and handball (shouldn’t that be armball?) laws state. Except that cats are tricky creatures, and it’s difficult to and are obviously colour blind when it comes to red cards. make assumptions about the awareness or thought processes It should be manned by ex-footballers, linesmen, and of any of them. Not that I think even a hypothetical cat referees with the rules made clear. would get hung up on the nature of its own reality, since For instance offside could be that both feet of a player should most seem confident that they’re at the centre of their be behind those of a defender while not actually connecting universe; similarly, if it could be communicated to the cat with the defender’s behind. that it might or might not be dead, I think it would argue that it would like some food and some fuss just in case it Handball could be judged on whether a player was holding isn’t – although really, given that it hasn’t been fed for ages, his bollocks at the time the ball hits his hand. about ten minutes at least, it’s a miracle if it isn’t dead and [[Heh, nicely put, that. VAR, in my book, implies distrust of how could anyone neglect a poor starving cute fluffy the refs, who are now understandably shitting themselves thought experiment so badly? Nonetheless, if anyone told about being second-guessed and looking bad, and you’re spot the cat in 2020 that it was possible the world outside could on about the “numbskulls” running it. It’s inevitable in any get even more bizarre, or even more depressing, from here, I sport that the officials will come up with dodgy decisions suspect it would be more than usually keen for no one to from time to time, something baseball, for example, pretty open the box. much accepted as part of the game. The problem with the [[This is why I’m a dog person...]] current overthought offside and handball interpretations is that they attempt to codify implied intent, which in my Why, yes, I did start writing to you – about the three most opinion should be an official’s call based on the immediate recent issues I’ve previously failed to loc – while the US circumstances and flow of the game. That’s especially true elections were in that quantum state of votes still being cast. for handball, but also the case with offside where it ought to Not least because self-evidently I didn’t know what any of us be clear enough whether a player is trying to steal a march would feel like doing by now, or by whatever time the result on the defender (and not get caught doing it) or that him or is actually settled, and I hoped to seize the moment while I herself are caught by an offside trap, and when was the last could. Then the loccing all took longer than I expected – time you heard that occurrence mentioned, ey? That greasy because, horribly like the UK’s own excuse for a little fuckin’ blubbing cheat Maradona should, of course, government, apparently I never learn – and now here we are have been taken out and shot, and so should Thierry Henry, two days later, with the prolonged counting that’s been but I suppose we’ve got to be resigned that such cynicism is made necessary this year still ongoing, including in Nevada a feature of any sport, and that’s not exactly a recent evidently, and a likely outcome overall that could be worse development. It’s been suggested by others that a similar (and still could be) but could certainly have been better too. “challenge” system as exists in American football could be And my not-wholly-serious-but-you-never-know plan for applied to VAR for specific decisions...]] NaLocWriMo was already crumbling when I started this This is very brief but music wise I would recommend Nick (partly due to spending a literally incredible amount of time Mason’s Saucerful of Secrets, Live at the Roundhouse for early in the days beforehand playing, on behalf of my parents, period Pink Floyd fans. National Savings & Investments’ 2020 version of Douglas Adams’s game Bureaucracy). Not that I anticipated being able On tv ‘The Haunting of Bly Manor’. A great follow up to to send a loc per day, or even to be able to write something ‘Haunting of Hill House’ by Mike Flanagan towards one every day; but surely an average of 1,000 words In the cinema all those films, that because they are not being for every day in November would get me through my shown in UK cinemas, will have nowhere to show them fannish correspondence backlog? But now I’m already after the lockdown because the cinemas will have gone bust. regretting sending off one loc last Friday, before November Take care mate. began; and gaming the system does not in fact achieve the real goal. Keep the booze flowing and don’t let the bugs infect you. [[‘NaLocWriMo’, while admirable, is on the one hand as daft an artificial construct as anything else that starts “Na”, no ✻ ✻ ✻ disrespect to sodium, of course, since it suggests that people are incapable of setting their own goals without this kind of

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idiotic micro-management, but of course given that this is Worldcon - slight pause while having knocked my cig off the your self-created target (I rephrased that when I realized I side of the ashtray and having to address that so as not to was about to write “own goal” [falls off chair]) then it is, of set fire to the carpet, and is that somehow prescient?). We course, “all good”, innit?...]] can most certainly and resolutely attempt to avoid the I’m hoping desperately – and this is not at all to accuse him fuckin’ awfulness of RL within our pages, but it’s insane to of the fuzzy writing he was needlessly worried about – that pretend that it doesn’t exist, since we’re all affected by it one David Redd’s note found by his bedside (‘President Mike way or another, and that’s going to show...]] Pompeo will face-off Sir Dominic Cummings’…) was a story We fully intend that there will be another Banana Wings idea from a dream/nightmare/bout of insomnia rather than before too long – we have enough material in hand that we a warning from his future self to pass on to the rest of us. Not want to publish from other people for at least a couple of least because Future David apparently didn’t mention what issues already – but neither of us want to stop reading and we can do to avert this, unless there was something written writing to fanzines while we’re waiting. Difficult though I on the back of the note… still find it to write a properly coherent loc, the need for a So I can certainly empathise with the gloom you were sense of connection means that it feels even more important mentioning in #33, and hope both you and Jen are doing to try than before – so that, apa burbling, and occasional well and feeling good now, or at least bouts of whimsy with breakfast cereal as well as can be expected. Also seem to be the bulk of my fanac this resonating with me was your year. Given how many years I’d gone “personal conclusion … that fanzine without having the incentive of a fanac must be worth doing and global plague to tell people that I rewarding, because I’m still doing it!” appreciate their fanzines – and yes, I Although for me that comes and goes. know, there are still too many people As Mark indicated in a previous letter, to whom I haven’t yet responded at Banana Wings is on hiatus because – all; hence NaLocWriMo – this seems for all that nearly 30% of the copies we like a reasonable sort of fanac to be send out are in some type of digital doing. Except perhaps for the format these days – we still consider Weetabix. its existence as a paper fanzine to be But I’ll also be doing it wrong if I send intrinsic. And with the post being the you what purports to be a loc only to way it is, as well as some plague- wibble about myself. And on that related challenges for our printers, basis I won’t go on again about my we’re rather reluctant to potentially own considerations in voting for the cast a load of copies into the void. But FAAn awards (or indeed any other that’s almost helpful because I awards or fan funds or whatever) currently can’t write for my own because I’m one of the people who’s genzine; Covid-19 coming on top of taken plenty of opportunity to everything else that’s been getting me indulge in at least a little FAAnwank down means that right now I just can’t over the years1. But I did appreciate conjure up that first fine careless you setting out some of the rapture (and let me pre-emptively ban anyone from making considerations people might apply to that; I, too, was thrush jokes). To quote Terry Carr quoting Kenneth Patchen interested in how other people approach this and what (and thus, I guess, invite mole jokes), “All the thrill’s gone considerations, if any, they consciously apply – and which out of it.” That does rather exaggerate the case, though; your others they might now have reflected are probably in play “malaise” and “ground down” from Leigh Edmonds are for them as well. probably more to the point. And no one would want to read [[I’ll disagree again, mildly, with your first sentence in that fanwriting produced under those circumstances, any more paragraph - see remarks elsewhere that any loccol can be in than I’d want to force myself to write it. part correspondents having a “wibble about [themselves]” [[As I note upfront in the ‘Egotorial’, I’m studiously trying to avoid the inevitable topic du jour, but I’ll quibble slightly with your analysis to the extent that as much as 1 While I’m indulging myself with the cheap and smutty, fanzine fanac and fanwriting can be insular to the extent one of the advantages of living in the future is that you that we’ll address primarily fannish topics, at least to an don’t have to wait until you get home to have a Google. At extent (eg FAAn awards, the Next Bloody British Bloody least not for those of you who are still allowed to go out.

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which other readers may value if only for the core months ago – although they still look better than all the information that so-and-so is still drawing breath. photos of me without one. Especially in This Here... I’ll tend to be reluctant to heavily [[The other person I know who actively dislikes photos of edit the wibbly bits (although I will if they’re clearly themselves is dear old John Nielsen Hall, who would never tedious), since you’re not simply communicating with the be described as “pulchritudinous”, except possibly by zine - although that’s the obvious driver - but to a perhaps Theresa Cochran, whereas you might...]] increasingly important extent we’re all communicating with You are not alone in your Englishness being mistaken by each other...]] USians for something more Australian, which has happened I was more entertained than you were by Skel’s renaming of to us a number of times – including in Las Vegas, now I think the fanzine categories, but am relieved that he didn’t go so about it. This is still quite surprising since I think that Mark far as ‘I think they’re a fan writer but…’ Chuck Connor (who and I don’t sound alike, and neither of us sounds like you; separately has been sending me some fascinating fannish cds evidently, though, none of us fit the relevant stereotype of and other artefacts through the post, notwithstanding the sounding like Prince Charles (as a friend of ours – who’s lags in our postal deliveries at the moment) queried the from Lancashire and sounds it – was once bafflingly dropping of the ‘Best New Fan’ award after 2010. Rather complimented on an overseas trip). We’ll have to wheel in a than finding it welcoming, I wasn’t alone in finding that Brit who habitually sounds posher to cross-check: hey, Dr category pretty patronising; I know it was intended to be for Jackson, have you ever been mistaken for an Australian something like ‘best fanzine activity by someone who hasn’t while in the US? been involved in fanzines until recently’ – the FAAn [[The Sainted Strummer sounds more like me than you do, equivalent of what’s now the Astounding Award (not a because you have the posher accent, although some of the Hugo), perhaps? – but it felt to me that there were two big edges of that seem to have been sanded off a bit over the problems. The first was that it came across like a merit badge years perhaps on the basis that partners tend to resemble for effort: you’re obviously new to this so no one’s going to each other in trivial ways in time. Although it may cause a vote for you in the real achievement categories – an cold hand to clutch at your bowels, I do recall your ‘Sir implication which was, I think, not always borne out in Humphrey’ turn in that Sorensen musical, inaudible though practice – but well done, you, for trying! Secondly, I don’t it may have been due to No Teck Because I Was Drunk. In think that the implication from fanzine fandom in the contrast I suspect my own elocution has actually got twenty-first century that any fan activity that someone had rougher over the years, and even swearier...]] done before they contributed to a generally available fanzine just didn’t count actually helped us at all. But opinions on that Meanwhile, I suspect that Leigh Edmonds will now have one have always varied and I’m sure some people will find encountered in too many places our deduction that Ken this as baffling as I find Dave Hodson throwing books away, Slater occupies a similar ecological niche in British fandom and so question my fannishness or something. as Merv Binns did in Melbourne and beyond. I still think they looked a little alike, too, but that might be down to the [[I confess! My gut reaction was that ‘Best New Fanzine fashions of the time or my old habit of claiming physical Fan’ was a typical Katzian construct designed to give him resemblances between Australian fans and other people I something else to crow about, but minimal research shows know. that the category was first awarded at the 1998 Leeds Corflu. It’s fully arguable that the values of “new” were dodgy at [[Which I well recall, of course, having been the subject of best - essentially amounting to “someone we hadn’t such an observation...]] previously paid attention to but quite like at the moment” - “…it’s becoming increasingly clear to anyone with even the and this despite the category having had some notable tiniest amount of insight,” wrote Dave Hodson on 31 July winners, several of whom continue to be active in the hobby, (#32), “that things really are not returning to “normal” any some impressively so (and unable to resist naming names, time soon, if at all.” Among the people without the tiniest I’d mention Jacq Monahan, Pete Young and Dr The Boy amount of insight, we have to assume, can thus be counted Coxout in particular). I agree with your analysis, and as you the inglorious leaders of this country – effectively now just and probably everyone else with an interest is aware, I’m no England; the rest of the UK appears to be being run by advocate of “more is better” when it comes to the FAAns...]] grown-ups of various sorts. All regions of England are now Like Jerry Kaufman, I really liked Julie McMurray’s self- locked down again – for four weeks and then We’ll See i.e. portrait on page 17 of #32 (and her picture on page 11 of #34 no one has a clue especially the Govt although, as has been particularly appealed to me too). But I’m going to join the obvious since the beginning, they are desperate not to be the ranks of those not sending you a photo of myself in any of government that cancelled Christmas – so those arse tattoos my many face masks – not even the first ones, with cute will have to wait again. (Although this does make me sloths on, that Helena McCallum made for us about six wonder, when you mention that you already have an arse

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tattoo: is that on your arse, or of an arse, and if the latter [[I’m not sure if we’ve ever had a public discussion about where is it? I’m not going to ask whose it is.) And here, of your utter distaste for the use of the c-word, as I know we’ve course, is another downside of not loccing promptly and so had in other correspondence. You seem, though, to be re-reading several issues where parts of the UK were actually implying here that you might accept that certain usages of emerging from lockdown over the summer. Well, we know the term could be, as you say “apposite”. I think we can how that went, don’t we? It was at least a bit more cheering agree that the primary use of “cunt” is as a pejorative - one to know already that Melbourne would have better times veteran taxi driver of my acquaintance habitually used it as ahead. a term for any woman, which you can imagine I found very [[I’ve related this story before in great detail (imagine that), distasteful indeed. From my (laddish, I suppose, and British) but the tattoo (the first one I ever got) is on the arse - left perspective, it’s a word with nuance (yes, I really think that) cheek - and is a traditional one for that location (at least in depending heavily on context. You’ve always made the case the UK) of a swallow bird. The implication and meaning of that something ostensibly warm and inviting shouldn’t that image is that when the swallow is flying (ie the arse is inexplicably have itself used as an insult, but then again so in some serious motion) you’re getting the end of the front is “dick”, although it’s also a definite point of contention bit wet, which, to conclude the Leigh Edmonds level of that “dick” is a lesser insult (when the word is used as such) explanation required, means you’re having some intensive than “cunt”. It’s perhaps facile, though potentially accurate, sexual intercourse. So there’s room for the Nolly tattoo on to blame “the patriarchy” for the difference, though to the other cheek, at risk of re-enacting a scene from ‘The complicate matters further, it might be worth noting that the Birds’, although how much damage to the Collyer phiz that cunt was an object of fear, certainly in schoolboy gossip might be caused by a single swallow remains to be seen. I which contended that there were actual teeth in there. Was may have mentioned the further consideration of whether that a Victorian ultra-moralistic hangover to discourage the image would be in profile, and if so would it be looking young lads from having a bit (as well as the thus toward or away from the orifice? It does seem rather rotten paradoxical excoriation of wanking)? Oh dear, what future to consign the lad to eternal observation of the effects of last correspondence have I now initiated?...]] night’s enchiladas don’t it?...]] I imagine I will by now by the eighty-fifth correspondent to And then I had to applaud Dave’s layered onstruction in #33 remark that your lost-wallet-with-fake-notes story sounds about “…the Coronavirus pandemic deciding not to just go like an excellent set-up for a ten-episode tv series (maybe away at the behest of a blonde floppy haired Cnut shouting even a new season of Fargo), if only you hadn’t just done the “Stop stop stop”, or whatever the three word government right thing several times over in reporting it. And then you slogan is this week…” (I also pondered the man’s comment and Jen seem to have missed all those opportunities for earlier in that column about his mate Phil (“…as long as he’s sitcom hilarious consequences in your opening section, too, not treated like a cunt, it would never, ever occur to him to despite the available props of a dog and no trousers. You treat anyone else that way…”) and concluded that a very really must have been tired. obvious interpretation of “being treated like a cunt” is [[Not 85th (that would be one hell of a loccol), and the idea of ‘getting screwed’ (etc.) which seems like apposite rather than a sitcom of our lives tends to appall, even though there are demeaning usage, at least if you don’t explore the sexual humorous moments - many of which we do relate on FBF. politics. So I’ll leave it to those who’d prefer things less Most of it isn’t stupendously funny anyway, implying that I sweary to complain about that and indeed this – although I ought to have been played by someone resembling Richard note that Dave’s swearing was all rather relevant to football Briers, but then again imagine him doing my sweary in the end.) voice...]] Meanwhile, Tales from the Loop definitely sounds worth following up – we enjoyed DEVS too, as I think you and I both said in response to Uncle Johnny’s fanzine – except that in one of the less earth-shattering problems of our times it seems to be on Amazon Prime which, as I suspect Mark or I have also already said somewhere so sorry about that, we haven’t got. There’s enough on it that it would be easy to succumb, except that we already have too much to watch. And definitely too much to read, although this is not the place for me to rehearse my most unseemly and of course deeply unfair grumpiness that Mark seems to have been reading so much this year and where does he find the time when I don’t? (Probably I was doomscrolling. Even though

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my locs are unhelpfully long, there still aren’t that many of being at home. (My own DoBFO: I’m working on the basis them to have taken that much time.) At least it provides here that you will, as you mentioned in the Corflu another point, if we need to justify it, to us having all these discussions, be publishing again this coming weekend – books in the house. hence my attempt to get this loc together and reassure you [[Our latest watch has been the Netfux (because that’s how that I am indeed still alive – although even then I realise not their logo looks, don’t it?) series Away, starring Hilary everyone will read everything in the issue quickly; but I Swank, the proofreader’s nightmare (who is well good, and know this bit might be wholly redundant if you’re overtaken has many teeth). Review in ‘Indulge Me’...]] by a deficit of time/ energy/enthusiasm. And if not, you might not want to include plugs for cons… Are you going to Most recently – after The Trial of the Chicago 7 on Netflix last come along for some of it, though?) weekend – we’ve been watching Jack Irish, on dvd even, since Roman Orszanski kindly gave us a copy a little while [[I might have stuck me ‘ead in, but I see it’s costs money...]] ago and we now have a region-unlocked machine on which I’m wondering, while trying to avoid the effort of working to watch it. The collection starts with three 90-minute tv out, what degree of commonality there is between phrases movies (two from 2012 and one from 2014) and we just that could elicit the responses ‘Good name for a rock band’ watched the first six-part season from 2016 which only leaves or ‘Title of your sex tape’. It might all be too subjective us one to go. It’s based on a series of mystery novels, by anyway: after all, what about Puuuuuke?2 Peter Temple, of which I see we’ve got the first although neither of us has yet read it. As well as Guy Pearce as the eponymous lawyer turned debt-collector-cum-apprentice- 2 Which apparently still makes me giggle uncontrollably. cabinetmaker-cum-investigator, Jack Irish stars Aaron Pedersen (from The Code, Mystery Road, Total Control etc. etc.), ✻ ✻ ✻ Roy Billing (who we both recognised, with some joy, from WAHF The Dish) and Marta Dusseldorp who it thus seems Jeanne Bowman ; John Nielsen Hall sends the latest Vita unaccountable hasn’t also been in lots of other stuff we’ve Transplantare, pleasingly with lox from two Charnox and enjoyed. It’s set in Melbourne and we were also pleased to The Lord Kettle ; Rob Jackson ; Dave Langford ; Joseph see some actors who’d been in The Secret Life of Us, including Major sends the latest Alexiad, a typically solid ish. ; George Damian de Montemas in the second movie, Vince Colosimo Phillies ; Paul Skelton sends All New or Reprint, and one in the third, Jacek Koman and (joy!) Claudia Karvan in wonders as always what Bruce Townley will make of it ; season one of the full series, and the excellent Deborah Alan White ; Mailman from the third movie onwards. That might all mean o to everyone else, but the cast is great, the plots are engaging – although there’s perhaps a little too much in-the- INDULGE ME nick-of-time rescuing, not that I want worse things to happen ✔ LYRIC QUOTE BOX : h/t Arthur D Hlavaty for to more of the characters I like – and the script is excellent; thish’s contribution (for values of “contribution” meaning “I there are touches of wit and other moments of humour in all nicked it”)... sorts of slightly unexpected places which does seem quintessentially Australian. Your Australian correspondents ✔ SCIENCE FACT : Old-school skiffy me finds this may wish to demonstrate their wit and humour by stuff fascinating, even though I understand a mere fraction of disagreeing, of course… This all reminds me that there’s it all. This article from Quanta magazine describes the actually a new season of Mystery Road available from the possible resolution of a black hole paradox first described by BBC – we were waiting until we could watch the lot – and it Hawking 50 years ago (!). If I ever get to go anywhere except almost seems a pity that it’s the First Thursday virtual pub work ever again, it would be nice to run into Stephen Baxter meeting tonight. But we should go along, not least to try out (who we found hiding in a pub on his own during the our upgraded Zoom before Punctuation. Baltimore Worldcon) who could no doubt Explain It All over Which I suppose gives me an opportunity to tell anyone who a couple of pints... doesn’t yet know about Punctuation, a small-ish sociable https://www.quantamagazine.org/the-black-hole- convention being run online (mostly on Zoom and Discord, I information-paradox-comes-to-an-end-20201029/ think) next weekend, 13-15 November. See https:// punctuationcon.uk/ and recent episodes of the Octothorpe ✔ NEFFNESS : The N3F seems to have become a bit of podcast (https://octothorpe.podbean.com/); I hasten to add a perennial topic in here, with commenters varying from that I’m just a bystander for both of these endeavours. But I actual derision to a more kindly form of condescension. hope it will be fun. Be there or be… somewhere else, While not about to become a member of that longstanding although in England right now that still probably means organization myself (in part because I’ve concluded over years of fannish involvement that I’m not an especially good

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“joiner” of formal groups, having maintained what we might ✔ DOGGIE AWWW : Nicked off Hal O’Brien... call a generalized “outsider” status, and it’s not paradoxical that someone - I forget in what context - was able to remark “Nic knows everybody”, flattering but untrue) I do express continued interest in the activities of those still within but inhabiting a perhaps cordoned-off area of the Big Tent of the Faniverse. I like to think, possibly grandly, that I can offer constructive suggestions to George Phillies which are intended to make his life easier, because he does seem to be a nice chap, so here’s my latest effort in that direction. George has been emailing out N3F zines as attachments to (properly bcc’d) missives, and while I’d say this follows the example of many individual faneds, it makes less sense to do this in the bitty way it’s happening with nine zines on the roster, meaning recipients get what seems like a continuing deluge resulting in ennui if not actual desperation. One useful point is that, like the contents of This Here..., not everyone is going to be interested in everything, and a similar risk is run in that those who have particularly niche interests will end up reading nothing (cf Bruce Townley). As an individual faned I’ve obviously decided that’s an acceptable risk, but I’d contend that with a substantial slate of different zines going out the problem is exacerbated. It ✔ EGGSTORY : J L Farey writes: I eat a lot of eggs. would make more sense to bung out a monthly (say) update Three eggs every morning, to be exact, with the occasional co-ordinated with (and linking to) the N3F website, and less meal of a quiche or sausage-egg-and-chips (part of every work and perhaps better coverage for George, since that Englishman’s soul, I’m told, and said just like that as if it was would also be an update suitable for Magister Burns’ one word). So yeah, a lot of eggs cycle through our home. efanzines emailings ... On a morning like every other, I was making breakfast ✔ GREAT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND : The without much thought, until I cracked that first egg and inevitable mention of “still plowing through Chuck dropped it in the pan. It occurred to me that egg whites are Connor’s 80s music collection” and some of the sillier band supposed to be clear, not dark pink. And while I’ve always names. Now playing: Jesus Couldn’t Drum (whothey?)... known that there can be blood in an egg and that the occasional spot isn’t a big deal, I had the momentary feeling ✔ WEIRD DREAMS : I had one where I’m having an of being in a horror flick staring at the little red sea in the illicit secret affair with Nikki Haley, and spending most of pan. the time trying to convince her of the error of her ways. While I probably could have continued cooking it and eaten Make of that what you will [falls out of bed]... it, I didn’t because, frankly, it grossed me out. Later, I ✔ RADIO WINSTON EXTRA : Some people googled “blood in egg” and found out that one of the (certainly fellow Winstons in the FBF group) are aware that I reasons it can happen (besides “this stuff just happens”) is have some contrary or just plain daft musical opinions, and when the hen is startled at the time of laying. This got me one might be that I consider Petula Clark’s ‘I Know A Place’ thinking about all the things that could surprise a hen so to be effectively proto-Northern Soul. That dance movement badly that she’d lay a bloody egg. Did the rooster come back actually coalesced in the late 60s, but a lot of the initial slices demanding another go? Did someone pop their head into the that found favor were mid-60s R&B, and thus it might be coop to ask her about her home warranty? Did a multi-level argued that Clark’s 1965 hit was at least influenced by them, car alarm go off right outside her door? Who knows? But I not least in the piano riff and the rising and glorious chorus... felt sorry for the hen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btLre4wD04U Back to breakfast… After tossing the egg and cleaning the pan, I started over. Very carefully, I cracked my first egg, ✔ UP HIMSELF A TREAT : Anyone describing part of looked at it in the shell, and then put it in the pan. (I realize their body of work as a “thematic hypersigil trilogy” that the chances of getting multiple bloody eggs in the same deserves nothing but derision. Looking at you, Grant carton were slim, but for all I knew that was one productive, Morrison... skittish chicken, so I wasn’t taking any chances.) I did the same thing with the second egg and then the third egg,

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which turned out to be another shocker. This time, it had a ✔ BOOZE NOOZ : According to them as apparently double-yolk. decide these things, the best bar in the world is currently that Getting one bloody egg is surprising. Getting one double- of the Connaught Hotel in Mayfair. A good convention of yolk egg is surprising. But getting both a bloody egg and a our lot ought to ruin that... double-yolker in the same carton within three eggs of each other… Unheard of. At least to me. So naturally, I looked for ✔ CULINARY : A blast from the past yesterday. Back the moral of the story, which wasn’t hard to find. in Hitchin days it would be my habit of a Friday or Saturday to cop prawn puri, vegetable biryani (which came with a This year sucks. Sure, there’s been some good stuff, but portion of veg curry) and prawn vindaloo from a dead good overall, 2020 has been one big, bloody egg. Next year, restaurant on Hermitage Road (I wonder if it’s still there? though, is gonna get better. Not perfect, but better, and The restaurant that is, not the road, obviously.) There would compared to this year, 2021 is gonna be a double-yolker. Is be leftovers, which I’d reheat and have on toast next day. that a stretch? Maybe. But if you can find wisdom in a These days Jennifer will make me Indian food dinner with a fortune cookie and guidance in the stars, why not find some nice jar sauce and a couple of (bought) sides with naan hope in a carton of eggs? bread, and that’ll do for two meals. This week there was a bit ✔ TV GUIDE : Our latest spread-out binge (an episode left over, so I had them for “breakfast” yesterday on two a day over dinner) has been ‘Away’ on Netfux, about a slices of extravagantly buttered toast. Lovely that was presumably near(ish)-future manned Mars mission and an’all... starring Hilary Swank’s teeth and a rather good ensemble ✔ LATE CHIRRUP EXTRA : Biden/Harris and cast - I don’t want to be dismissive of Swank’s contribution Watford 3 Coventry City 2, both of which were right fuckin’ either, she’s rather good in it. I was a tad distressed to find rollercoasters... out mid-watch that the show hadn’t been renewed for a second season, and I managed to get the idea (without ✔ AGELESS BEAUTY : Willfully obscure Brit actress, reading ahead on it, a terrible fault of mine) that there was a perhaps, but we’ll remember Susie Silvey from appearances cliffhanger ending which was going to leave us going with Dick Emery and many others, without having clocked “Arg!”, but that thankfully turned out to not be the case, her name at the time... although it’s obvious when you get to the end of episode 10 that the story could and perhaps should have continued. Despite plenty of goshwow teckiness with the crew and ground staff having to solve some pretty fuckin’ dire situations, ‘Away’ is first and foremost a character piece, and I was reminded yet again of Stephen Baxter (who’s obviously now equalled Dave Langford’s required two mentions thish), particularly the first “NASA trilogy” novel, ‘Voyage’ and its use of flashbacks to establish the characters, which ‘Away’ does especially well - the editing in general is superlative. There’s plenty of character conflict without resorting to any cut-and-paste good guy/bad guy bollocks - no Dr. Smith here. All the main characters and just about all the subsidiary ones are portrayed as actual complex human beings, and I found it telling that at any point where I thought “Oh God I hope they don’t...” in relation to any particular person, they gratifyingly didn’t. Recommended... ✔ THICKNESS : We’re about to be off this morning (as I write) for the usual Friday grocery run, and given that frigid winter is not descending upon us until tomorrow, it’s nicely in the 80s and I’m appropriately dressed for that, meaning not so many pockets. As I swig the pre-shop beer I’m mildly annoyed that because I only have one or two smokes left in the current pack I’ll have to shoehorn the next pack on me somewhere, until the memo from DoBFO arrives noting that I could leave that pack here and just take the next one...

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MIRANDA THIS HERE... is (mostly) written, edited and produced by: Nic Farey, published on efanzines.com by the Grace of Burns. Locs & that to: 2657 Rungsted Street, Las Vegas NV 89142, or Email [email protected] “The Devil made me do it the first time Art credits: Julie Faith McMurray (pp7, 10, 20) ; Alan White The second time I did it on my own...” (pp1, 3, 18)

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