KEEP SMILING No. 29

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man .For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.' We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!' The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the chair!' The good-natured boss invited an employee named Smith into his office. “It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out that every time there’s a home game at the football stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.” “You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Smith. “I didn’t realise it. You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?”

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced: “I’m running away from home!” The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked.“ Then I’ll come home and eat,” said the child. “And what if you run out of money?” asked the father. “I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt: “What if your clothes get dirty?” “Then I’ll come home and let mummy wash them,” was the reply. The man exclaimed: “He is not running away from home, he’s going off to university!”

A seventeen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream: “Where did you get that car?!” He calmly told them: “I bought it today.” “With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” said the boy. “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.” I don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” Confused, the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. “Well,” she said. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

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ODE TO THE GLORIOUS TWELFTH!

So what did you do on the Glorious Twelfth? Did you rush out and spend a year’s accumulated wealth? The refund for that break you couldn’t take, money saved from trips you didn’t make? If you’ve fought the flab with all of your might and still find your clothes are much too tight A spot of retail therapy could put that right! For now we can visit the shopping malls and browse amongst the market stalls. We can pop inside the hairdresser’s shop. Get a wash, a tint or a much needed chop! But still we must mask up like the Lone Ranger and not get too close to any stranger For we are not yet all fully out of Danger!

Poem by Myra Wasserman April 2021

THIS TIME LAST YEAR This time last year well who would have thought that We’ll all be locked down, disinfecting stuff we’d bought? This time last year well who would have thought that Not wearing a mask in a bank could land you up in court? This time last year well who would have thought that We’ll all be locked down, disinfecting stuff we’d bought? This time last year well who would have thought that You’d get pictures in the paper because of toilet rolls you bought? This time last year well who would have thought that Mums could lose their marbles because the kids are home taught?. This time last year well who would have thought that You keep on asking ‘Who scoffed the cakes I bought? Poem by David Cox of Maidenhead first published in The Daily Mail.

INFORMATIVE SIGNS

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels.”; On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed.” On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.”; At a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. Sign in a shoe repair store. We’ll heel you We’ll save your sole and even dye for you On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push: In a Non-smoking Area :"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. At an Optometrist's Office. If you don't see what you want, you've come to the right place

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GROANAVIRUS

Have you seen the price of Polos these days?? Rowntree’s must be making a mint. If I wanted to buy a really expensive duck, would I have to make a down payment?? What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room ? ' necks please ' I attempted to smuggle a rugby ball through customs. I thought it was worth a try. I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer. I've been refused bale. The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream. Can't wait to rub it in. I was once attacked by a gang of Scottish dancers; it left me reeling. Have you seen the new film "The Tractor"? It had a very good trailer! I twisted my ankle during turbulence on a long-haul flight. I have an airline fracture. I've just been sacked from my hospital porter position. They've accused me of pushing people around Andrew Lloyds Webber's new musical Dogs is coming out soon and I've been offered the lead. ( That was ruff!) A tourist stopped me in the street and asked the best way to Selfridges? I told him to put them on eBay! As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

A Nun was giving a semi reformed alcoholic man a lecture on the evils of drink. She had gone through all the terrible traits that alcoholism leads to, break up of family, job loss, friends avoiding you and all of the health issues you could possibly think of! He listened and then eventually snapped: ‘Have you ever had a drink?’ Of course not replied the Nun. ‘Well, how can you possibly lecture me on alcohol when you have never even had one drink!’ ‘You are in no position to judge’! Have a drink with me now, and then I will be more likely to listen to your argument’.

This floored the Nun momentarily and she saw that he did have a slight point. So, she agreed to have one drink with him. ‘What will it be?’ said the man. She agreed to have a gin. As he turned to go to the bar, she called out: ‘I’ll have it in a cup so that no one will notice I’m drinking.’ He asked the landlord for ‘A pint of beer and a double gin in a cup please’. Landlord replied:’ That crazy Nun isn’t in again is she?’

ANOTHER WINTER’S TALE

The weather’s very dreadful here, with lots of ice and snow I have to tread most carefully, if to the shops I go. I have tried some online shopping, though I don’t have great success. I order beans and broccoli and get sent sprouts and cress. I’ve tried for a delivery shot though they are far and few But I’ve still got several tins of soup, some rice, an egg or two. Just then the courier arrives, a stalwart figure he. With a long awaited package, I welcome him with glee. Though what’s inside I’m sad to say is not what should be there And trying for a refund you haven’t got a prayer. Out comes my trusty iPad. Now how to frame the letter. I know from good experience that being polite is better. The answer comes back speedily ‘Returns we can’t accept. ‘It’s all because of Covid, we send our best regret’ Goods must go back to China, where postal costs are high So you keep the faulty goods. Please go away they cry. Then adding insult to injury another message pings We’re sending back half of all your costs, so you can keep the things The things were stretchy crampons for fixing on my shoes. To keep me safe in ice and snow, forestalling many a bruise. Though sadly those that I have receive are so right for me They’d probably fit me very well if I was aged just three. So there it is. I dare not go out not even to the gate So until this lockdown’s over I’ll just hibernate.

Poem by Hazel Vanbergen of Birkhill originally published in The Daily Mail

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.'

What is in the bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: Good trade.....

George Phillips, an elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me .Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

MORAL:DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

A new woman joins the Golf Club. She hears some guys talking about their golf round, so she says, " Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

One of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to play right or left-handed?" The lady replies, "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. When I got married I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf, I pull the covers off him. If his manhood points to the right, I play right-handed; if it points to the left, I play left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Page 4 BONUS CARTOONS

Page 5 CRYPTIC TV SHOWS

1. Is it football, rugby, cricket or tennis

2. Sounds like Dad is either lazy or out of work

3. You usually do this at the January sales

4. This kind of cold snap usually tells you Winter's on its way

5. How Dad should be made to feel on Father's Day

6. A spectator who prefers not to be heard

7. Ignore the late '70s group

8. What owner of the Guardian might say to increase business

9. Something William could settle perhaps

10. A crowning event down our way

11. Mrs Bridges cooked for which family in Eaton Place?

12. Which TV family had a chauffer called Max?

13. Which family feature in the sitcom 2 point 4 children?

14. Which family owned a wine vineyard called Falcon Crest?

15. Which family lived at the Ponderosa?

16. Which TV family had 7 children and a dog named Reckless

17. Which TV family lived at 24 Oil Drum Lane, Shepherds Bush?

18. On TV, which family were Robin, Chrissy and Jo's landlords?

19.Teenage witch who is a member of the Spellman family?

20. Kat and Little Mo are members of which Eastenders Family?

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CRYPTIC TV SHOWS ANSWERS

1. Is it football, rugby, cricket or tennis A question of Sport

2. Sounds like Dad is either lazy or out of work Pop Idol

3. You usually do this at the January sales Bargain Hunt

4. This kind of cold snap usually tells you Winter's on its way A touch of Frost

5. How Dad should be made to feel on Father's Day Top of the pops

6. A spectator who prefers not to be heard Silent witness

7. Ignore the late '70s group Never mind the Buzzcocks

8. What owner of the Guardian might say to increase business Have I got news for you

9. Something William could settle perhaps The Bill

10. A crowning event down our way Coronation Street

11. Mrs Bridges cooked for which family in Eaton Place? The Bellamies

12. Which TV family had a chauffer called Max? The Harts

13. Which family feature in the sitcom 2 point 4 children? The Porters

14. Which family owned a wine vineyard called Falcon Crest? The Channings

15. Which family lived at the Ponderosa? The Cartwritghts

16. Which TV family had 7 children and a dog named Reckless The Waltons

17. Which TV family lived at 24 Oil Drum Lane, Shepherds Bush? The Steptoes

18. On TV, which family were Robin, Chrissy and Jo's landlords? The Ropers

19.Teenage witch who is a member of the Spellman family? Sabrina

20. Kat and Little Mo are members of which Eastenders Family? The Slaters

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A SELECTION OF GUESTS AT THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH FUNERAL

BUT CAN YOU NAME THEM?

5 or less Correct answers. Brush up on your Royal knowledge 6-7 Correct answers is average knowledge 8-10 Correct answers is good knowledge 11-12 Correct answers is very good 13-14 Correct answers s excellent 15 Apply for a job as a Royal Correspondent

ANSWERS TO A SELECTION OF GUESTS AT THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH FUNERAL

5 or less Correct answers. Brush up on your Royal knowledge 6-7 Correct answers is average knowledge 8-10 Correct answers is good knowledge 11-12 Correct answers is very good 13-14 Correct answers is excellent 15 Apply for a job as a Royal Correspondent

Prince Edward Countess of Wessex Viscount Severn

Princess Beatrice Peter Phillips Daniel Chatto Duke of Gloucester

Princess Alexandra Duke of Kent Lady Sarah Chatto Timothy Lawrence