KEEP SMILING No. 29 The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man .For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.' We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!' The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the chair!' The good-natured boss invited an employee named Smith into his office. “It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out that every time there’s a home game at the football stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.” “You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Smith. “I didn’t realise it. You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?” A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced: “I’m running away from home!” The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked.“ Then I’ll come home and eat,” said the child. “And what if you run out of money?” asked the father. “I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt: “What if your clothes get dirty?” “Then I’ll come home and let mummy wash them,” was the reply. The man exclaimed: “He is not running away from home, he’s going off to university!” A seventeen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream: “Where did you get that car?!” He calmly told them: “I bought it today.” “With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” said the boy. “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.” I don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” Confused, the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. “Well,” she said. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.” Page 1 ODE TO THE GLORIOUS TWELFTH! So what did you do on the Glorious Twelfth? Did you rush out and spend a year’s accumulated wealth? The refund for that break you couldn’t take, money saved from trips you didn’t make? If you’ve fought the flab with all of your might and still find your clothes are much too tight A spot of retail therapy could put that right! For now we can visit the shopping malls and browse amongst the market stalls. We can pop inside the hairdresser’s shop. Get a wash, a tint or a much needed chop! But still we must mask up like the Lone Ranger and not get too close to any stranger For we are not yet all fully out of Danger! Poem by Myra Wasserman April 2021 THIS TIME LAST YEAR This time last year well who would have thought that We’ll all be locked down, disinfecting stuff we’d bought? This time last year well who would have thought that Not wearing a mask in a bank could land you up in court? This time last year well who would have thought that We’ll all be locked down, disinfecting stuff we’d bought? This time last year well who would have thought that You’d get pictures in the paper because of toilet rolls you bought? This time last year well who would have thought that Mums could lose their marbles because the kids are home taught?. This time last year well who would have thought that You keep on asking ‘Who scoffed the cakes I bought? Poem by David Cox of Maidenhead first published in The Daily Mail. INFORMATIVE SIGNS Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels.”; On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed.” On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.”; At a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. Sign in a shoe repair store. We’ll heel you We’ll save your sole and even dye for you On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push: In a Non-smoking Area :"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. At an Optometrist's Office. If you don't see what you want, you've come to the right place Page 2 GROANAVIRUS Have you seen the price of Polos these days?? Rowntree’s must be making a mint. If I wanted to buy a really expensive duck, would I have to make a down payment?? What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room ? ' necks please ' I attempted to smuggle a rugby ball through customs. I thought it was worth a try. I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer. I've been refused bale. The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream. Can't wait to rub it in. I was once attacked by a gang of Scottish dancers; it left me reeling. Have you seen the new film "The Tractor"? It had a very good trailer! I twisted my ankle during turbulence on a long-haul flight. I have an airline fracture. I've just been sacked from my hospital porter position. They've accused me of pushing people around Andrew Lloyds Webber's new musical Dogs is coming out soon and I've been offered the lead. ( That was ruff!) A tourist stopped me in the street and asked the best way to Selfridges? I told him to put them on eBay! As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” A Nun was giving a semi reformed alcoholic man a lecture on the evils of drink. She had gone through all the terrible traits that alcoholism leads to, break up of family, job loss, friends avoiding you and all of the health issues you could possibly think of! He listened and then eventually snapped: ‘Have you ever had a drink?’ Of course not replied the Nun. ‘Well, how can you possibly lecture me on alcohol when you have never even had one drink!’ ‘You are in no position to judge’! Have a drink with me now, and then I will be more likely to listen to your argument’. This floored the Nun momentarily and she saw that he did have a slight point. So, she agreed to have one drink with him. ‘What will it be?’ said the man. She agreed to have a gin. As he turned to go to the bar, she called out: ‘I’ll have it in a cup so that no one will notice I’m drinking.’ He asked the landlord for ‘A pint of beer and a double gin in a cup please’. Landlord replied:’ That crazy Nun isn’t in again is she?’ ANOTHER WINTER’S TALE The weather’s very dreadful here, with lots of ice and snow I have to tread most carefully, if to the shops I go. I have tried some online shopping, though I don’t have great success. I order beans and broccoli and get sent sprouts and cress. I’ve tried for a delivery shot though they are far and few But I’ve still got several tins of soup, some rice, an egg or two. Just then the courier arrives, a stalwart figure he.