page 2 the paper october 4, 2017

Puerto Rico, pg. 3 Dress shopping, pg. 9 Heavy Metal, pg. 15 F & L, pg. 21-22 Earwax, pg. 23

the paper “Your name, but messy” c/o Office of Student Involvement Editors-in-Chief Fordham University John “Jacques Labouis” Looby Bronx, NY 10458 Luis “Louis Green” Gómez [email protected] News Editors http://fupaper.blog/ Nick “Niestat Pietrokoff” Peters Declan “Dylan Marstersonerstien” Murphy the paper is Fordham’s journal of news, analysis, comment and review. Students from all years and disciplines get together biweekly to produce a printed version of the paper using Ado- Opinions Editors be InDesign and publish an online version using Weebly. Photos are “borrowed” from Internet Colleen “Coleman Banks” Burns sites and edited in Photoshop. Open meetings are held Tuesdays at 9:00 PM in McGinley 2nd. Rachel “Raqel Porg” Poe Articles can be submitted via e-mail to [email protected]. Submissions from students Arts Editors are always considered and usually published. Our staff is more than willing to help new writers Matthew “Magnus Weedwhacker” Whitaker develop their own unique voices and figure out how to most effectively convey their thoughts Michael “Mykyl Shadeswift” Sheridan and ideas. We do not assign topics to our writers either. The process is as follows: have an idea for an article, send us an e-mail or come to our meetings to pitch your idea, write the article, Earwax Editor work on edits with us, and then get published! We are happy to work with anyone who is inter- Reyna “Robin Williams” Wang ested, so if you have any questions, comments or concerns please shoot us an e-mail or come Features and List Editors to our next meeting. Hillary “Ha Berdashery” Bosch So, why come write for us? We are a constantly evolving publication, and have been since Meredith “Steamboat Willy” Mclaughlin 1972. We provide an outlet of expression otherwise unavailable to Fordham students. Writers are free to say whatever they want, whenever they want. We are also pretty cool people, to be Copy Chief completely honest. So please come hang out with us. You’ll have a good time, we promise. Anna “Anna Price” Passero-Koennecke Editor at Large our aim Claire “Cranston Noodles” Nunez the paper is Fordham University’s fully student-run, free speech publication. Our aim is to Digital Editor challenge our writers and our readers: we want to make you think. We provide an outlet for all Michael Jack “Meathooks Jumparound” O’Brien students to express themselves, whatever their passion may be. Whether it’s commenting on a social issue, writing a factual news article, making people laugh with a humor piece, composing Copy Editor a personal narrative, giving advice or ranting about something that makes you feel a certain Scott “Simon Sassafrass“ Saffran strong way -- we have a place for you. Because of our platform as a free speech newspaper, we Contributors tend to push the boundaries of university journalism by talking about important social issues, Christian Decker, Andrew Millman, Adam Hamilton, Jack Archambault, expressing otherwise silenced voices and opinions, addressing Fordham policy and administra- David Kennedy, Connor Murray, Jan-Carl Resurreccion, The bottomless pit tion, and starting serious conversations about what is important to our student body. Here at of despair beneath Martyr’s, Karl Marx Jr, The Unending Screams of the Un- the paper, we encourage creativity and uniqueness, spark dialogue and discussion, and foster dying Michael Thompson, Neo Yokio, Bruce Wayne (not him), Chris Evans, a community where students are free to fully express themselves. The Dairy Farmers Union, Gal Gadot (Yes her), Rupert Murdoch (sorry!) october 4, 2017 the paper page 3

Hurricane Maria Causes Severe Destruction to Puerto Rico by Christian Decker The whole island is suffering and in need of help Staff Weatherman September has been a terrible month Sunday. Others have criticized the caused the rain and water damage that it is our responsibility to help them for disaster weather. We had Hurricane President for being too focused on the of Harvey and the extremely powerful regardless. Harvey in Texas and Hurricane Irma recent national anthem protests, and and deadly winds of Irma. As of now, Although farming contributes little to in Florida. Now Hurricane Maria has not enough on the disaster. However, around sixteen people have been con- the Puerto Rican economy, the industry absolutely devastated the U.S. terri- White House Press Secretary Sarah firmed dead because of the hurricane. was almost utterly annihilated by the tory of Puerto Rico. After the hurricane Sanders argues that the response Hope remains however. It appears storm. Maria wiped out around eighty crossed the territory, all the power was “has been anything but slow”. Accord- FEMA has been working overtime to percent of the crop value in Puerto knocked out. Resources are dwindling ing to FEMA, over ten thousand of their try to help people. The private sec- Rico, according to Vox. It amounts to as the Puerto Rican people await the employees are in Puerto Rico helping tor has even been sending supplies about a $780 million loss, which is not much-needed aid from the U.S. with the relief efforts. to help. Mattresses, food, water, and catastrophic but still significant. And According to Vox, food supplies are Another potential issue facing the generators are some of the indispens- although Puerto Rico imports most of dangerously low, there is little access to territory is the potential collapse of able items that are just now being its food, it is estimated that the loss clean water, and the country is running the Guajataca Dam. During the storm delivered to try to relieve some of the of crops will drive up prices and thus out of fuel. Cell towers were destroyed it was severely damaged and is now burden of the Puerto Rican people, ac- make the food shortage situation even in the wake of the hurricane, limiting leaking, cording worse. communications, so we don’t know too according to the Another problem is that the country much about the progress of rebuilding to sources. New can’t predict subsequent storms. Their except what we hear from the reporters There were York weather radar is down. who have been able to get down there. about Times. Luckily it is now possible to get out According to Elaine Duke, Secretary of 70,000 Stun- of the country. The main airport just Homeland Security, Puerto Rico’s elec- residents ningly, reopened temporarily during the day, trical grid is virtually gone. Reports say in the the though unable to resume full 24 hour that it could take up to six months for area, but citizens service. The problem is that the air- the power to get back online. The situa- it has are re- port conditions are not ideal without tion is dire and some are criticizing the since been maining electricity. There is no air conditioning. White House and Congress for not act- evacuated. resilient Hundreds of flights can get cancelled ing fast enough. According to CNN, Gov. Workers in the and only a certain amount of them run Ricardo Rosselló has urged the govern- have been face per day. Coupled with the fuel shortage ment to recognize that Puerto Ricans trying to of so this makes for a very dangerous cock- are in fact Americans as well. seal up the dam to prevent any further much destruction and chaos. 3.4 mil- tail. People even have checked into President Trump has in fact pledged destruction. lion people are caught up in this crisis. flights by telephone according to Vox. aid to help Puerto Rico recover. In fact, Communication also remains a big The lack of knowledge about Puerto Unfortunately, the Puerto Rican according to CNN, the President is set issue. The lack of working cell towers Rico in the U.S. unfortunately is very economy was in shambles even be- to go down to the territory, although has made it hard to coordinate res- sad. According to Vox, only fifty-four per- fore this tragedy. The territory declared no official date has been set because cue missions and relief efforts. Most cent of people know that Puerto Rico is bankruptcy and has had to recover of infrastructure concerns. The Presi- people must rely on satellite powered a U.S. territory or even part of the U.S. from over $70 billion dollars in debt. dent hasn’t really created the image of phones and other devices that require at all. They also don’t know that Puerto This makes it even harder to fix the coming very quickly to the aid of Puerto satellites to get the word out at all ac- Ricans are citizens of the U.S. How- damage. Sadly, a lot of this economic Rico. He is quoted as saying that Puerto cording to USA. Hospitals are on life ever, of those that do know, eighty-one turmoil is the U.S. government’s fault. Rico “is in the middle of the ocean, and support (sorry), down to days’ worth of percent think that they should be sent We charge them almost double in tar- it’s a very big ocean.” (Just… sigh) Re- supplies, most without any running wa- aid immediately. Many have made the iffs for U.S. based goods. cently on Twitter, Hillary Clinton (she’s ter. They must be powered by backup argument that because Puerto Ricans With so much at stake here, let’s back!) urged President Trump and Sec- generators, according to CNN. are U.S. citizens they should be getting hope our government can get its act retary Mattis to send “a Navy Medical People are calling this the worst aid immediately. Others argue that it together to help in this time of need. ship” to help with the relief effort this storm to ever hit Puerto Rico. It has shouldn’t matter if they are or not, and page 4 the paper october 4, 2017 Graham-Cassidy Healthcare Proposed, Completely Fails by Luis Gòmez Co-Editor in Chief I think the GOP should realize Healthcare just aint that into you ing to a block grant system, the bill would in the opposite direction. understand things, so he could have his After years of promising to repeal and reduce the amount of money available to Graham-Cassidy’s coverage was opinion. replace the Affordable Care Act, Repub- all states. Furthermore, the bill redirect- at first dominated by the spat- be Indeed, Kimmel’s choice to use his lican lawmakers have struggled to make ed funds from states that had expanded tween Sen. Cassidy and Jimmy platform to publicize Graham-Cassidy’s that promise into a reality. After nar- Medicaid in the wake of the ACA to those Kimmel, a newfound advocate of flaws are responsible in part for the re- rowly passing a House bill in May, the states that had not, meaning that states accessible healthcare following his inforced groundswell of activist pressure Senate rewrote the bill and released a like California, New York, and Louisiana infant son’s battle with heart dis- against Senate Republicans, and con- new piece of legislation, the euphemis- would see funds sent to Alabama or Kan- ease. Cassidy had appeared on Kim- vinced Senators Rand Paul and Suzanne tically-titled Better Care Reconciliation sas, essentially rewarding states that had mel’s show after the first repeal at- Collins to vote ‘no,’ while Lisa Murkowski Act, the act which failed to move to the refused to expand Medicaid with money tempt fell through, and laid out what was apparently resistant to the bill, and floor vote after Senators Lisa Murkows- taken from states that did. he called the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Test,’ had a long list of changes. ki, Susan Collins, and John McCain all Further, the nature of the block grant which essentially put forth the idea Interestingly, few people actually at- voted against the bill, joining a unified tempted to defend the bill or its pas- Democratic and Independent caucus. sage process, due to the nature of The most recent attempt, sponsored by the vote. In order to avoid the need Republican senators Lindsay Graham, for a 60 vote passage, Republican Bill Cassidy, Dean Heller, Ron Johnson, lawmakers were attempting to pass and Roy Blunt, was another attempt at Graham-Cassidy via the budget rec- wholesale restructuring of the post-ACA onciliation process. However, given insurance markets. the rules surrounding that process, The bill was introduced on Septem- the bill needed to be passed by Sep- ber 13th, and was set for a vote on the tember 30th. This would have left the Senate floor by September 30th, giving Senate with a mere 72 hours to ac- only two weeks for discussion and anal- tually debate and offer amendments ysis of the bill. The proposed legislation for the bill, which would instantly would have shifted funding power from reshape a sixth of the US economy. the federal government to state legisla- Even when compared to previous tors by switching to block-grant waivers repeal attempts Republican lawmak- that states could apply for. Further, Gra- ers had introduced in the summer, ham-Cassidy would have removed the the amount of time reserved for this federal subsidies for private insurance iteration of health care repeal was as well as end the Medicaid expansion. astoundingly small. The Congressional Budget Office, a Ultimately, John McCain was the nonpartisan number crunching orga- spending requirements shifted. Under that a child who has a heart condi- deciding ‘no’ vote, pushing the Senate nization, never had enough time to re- the ACA, funds sent to states were desig- tion at birth should be able to get to remove the bill from the floor before lease a full estimate on the bill’s costs. nated with specific caveats, especially re- anything they need to stay healthy the vote could take place. Given budget The organization was able to release garding protections for preexisting condi- without being rejected by their in- reconciliation rules, Senate Republicans a preliminary score that insurance en- tions, funding for essential health benefits surance company. This kicked off likely can’t reintroduce health care repeal rollment among those with “high-cost such as prescription drugs and maternity a round of criticism from Cassidy legislation before next year. Ultimately, medical events would be reduced by care, and a focus on low-income benefits. and other Republicans that essen- the fate of the ACA lies in the continued millions compared with the baseline Theoretically, states could use the funds tially claimed that since Jimmy Kim- lack of a health care plan that appeals projections” over the next decade. received under Graham-Cassidy to con- mel was a comedian he shouldn’t to both hard line repeal advocates like There’s no question that Graham- tinue some form of Medicaid expansion, have an opinion, to which Kimmel Rand Paul and moderates like Susan Col- Cassidy would have been destructive or could provide lump-sum payments to responded that he was a human lins. Until then, the Affordable Care Act to current insurance markets. By shift- hospitals and then whistle while walking person with the ability to read and will continue on. october 4, 2017 the paper page 5 Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Rescinds Title IX Protections by Meredith Mclaughlin End of important Obama-era legislation leaves many vulnerable Features and List Co-Editor not,” and is the standard in all civil cas- equitable, just, and fair procedures.” lawmakers found this inclusion to be On September 22, Secretary of Edu- es. Seeing that Title IX deals with civil These procedures often determine against their values. Transgender ad- cation Betsy DeVos rolled back the Title cases based on sex/gender disputes, whether or not a victim will have to vocates are concerned that the loss IX legislation enacted by the Obama it made sense that it would follow the continue to share classes with their of this legislation will render lawsuits administration. This legislation was same conduct as educational legisla- assaulter, whether the victim would won by transgender students against meant to tackle the high rates of sexual tion dealing with issues like racial dis- need to sign a non-disclosure agree- their schools ineffective. It also sends assault committed on college campus- crimination. The use of preponderance ment that would protect the accused, a message to transgender students es, as well as in high school and K-12 of evidence was emphasized in the- or even whether or not a victim decides that the current administration doesn’t settings. It also provided important leg- hopes that it would decrease the per- to report their case at all. The concept want to help them, and in a period islation meant to protect transgender centage of unreported sexual assaults of false sexual assault reports is cer- where 36% of transgender people at- students from bullying. However some on campus from 90% to a much lower tainly a concerning one. However only tempt suicide before the age of 25, of Title IX’s contents were seen as too number. Following the clear and con- about 7.1% of reports are false, which this message can be deadly. overreaching for many members of the vincing proof standard or the beyond is in keeping with the percentage of The Obama administration’s added GOP. While they might be pleased with a reasonable doubt standard would false reports for other crimes. Because legislation was intended to prevent DeVos’ swift action, the loss of such not be effective or possible, consider- of this, anti-sexual assault advocates schools from putting victims through important legislation has many college ing college campuses don’t have the urge for reports to be taken more seri- a lengthy and humiliating process and students and anti-sexual assault activ- resources of a court, and that most ously, and fear that DeVos’ definition of from favoring the reputation and well ists feeling more than worried. victims can not provide evidence to “equitable” doesn’t match the reality being of potential rapists, and those One of the biggest grievances Repub- meet the standard due to the high like- of the problem. who supported the legislation find De- lican lawmakers had with Title IX was lihood that they were intoxicated dur- Equally as concerning is the removal Vos’ actions as being a step back to- its enforcement of “preponderance of ing the assault. But in the eyes of GOP of Title IV protections for transgender wards those practices. Her support of evidence” as being the standard for lawmakers, the use of preponderance students. Under the Obama adminis- Trump’s removal of transgender legis- determining the outcome of a case. of evidence prevents the accused from tration, discrimination against gender lation adds to many people’s concern In short, preponderance of evidence having a fair trial. DeVos in particular identity in schools would be punished for the safety of their children in school means that “the proof need only show has reiterated the need for a system in the same way as discrimination under her authority. that the facts are more likely to be than to “ensure that schools employ clear, against gender. Many Republican Controversial Exhibit Leads to Death Threats at the Guggenheim by Michael Sheridan And now News is covering the Guggenheim too... Arts Co-Editor people watching two pigs have sex-- Criticism really took off online with were not removed. In order to ensure As art continues to grow more politi- Dogs That Cannot Touch Each Other,- petitions calling for the removal of the the safety of the hundreds of people cal, it is increasingly being pushed out -another video work in which four pairs works reaching hundreds or thousands that work for the museum, as well as of museums and into the mainstream of dogs strained to fight each other, of signatures. Protestors flooded the the hundreds of thousands of visitors, conversation. The Solomon R. Guggen- while held back by restraints and a museum’s phone lines, set up camp the Museum was regretfully forced to heim Museum is learning this lesson non-motorized treadmill--and the title outside, and even began attacking the pull the works. The artists were report- the hard way as controversy erupted piece Theater museum on re- edly very upset about the move, and in over the upcoming show Art and Chi- of the World,- view sites. its release the Museum was highly criti- na after 1989: Theater of the World, -which placed The Guggen- cal of the protestors’ exaggerated and which is set to open October 6, 2017. live insects and heim Museum falsified claims and bemoaned that The exhibition planned to examine the lizards in a large responded in a they were forced to censor themselves. growth of art in China in the period cage, where press release However, the story will not end, as from the Tiananmen Square Massacre animals would stating that no now a second wave of protestors has to the 2008 Beijing Olympics, which consume each Here is a wholesome pic of a dog that animals were emerged criticizing the museum for was a transformative time for Chinese other and live isn’t part of a potentially cruel gallery harmed in the giving in to the protestors instead of society as a whole. The show planned among corpses. making of any standing up for the freedom of ex- to showcase work by 70 artists and These highly conceptual works have of the pieces and that the lizards on pression. Many feel that the museum display over 150 works of art. However, been shown in museums across Asia display in the museum would be taken missed an opportunity to start a dis- three of these works came under fire and Europe and have not aroused care of by top caretakers in the city. The cussion about expression and human as animal rights activists called them much concern among the visitors museum pushed further stating that rights but simply gave in to protect its animal abuse and demanded they be there. they were simply displaying the artwork bottom line. removed and that the museum should Yet, in the US before the show even and to rescind the works would be akin Overall, in a year in which museums apologize immediately. opened, hordes of animal rights activ- to censorship. Yet, just recently, the Mu- from the Whitney all the way to the The pieces in question are The ists, such as PETA and the American seum released a second press release Walker Center in Minneapolis have Theater of Transference--which was a Kennel Club, have called this animal stating that the protestors had stooped faced protests and controversy, it is video work showing a group of Chinese abuse and called out the museum to sending threats of physical violence clear that museums are becoming a for seemingly supporting said abuse. and even death threats if the pieces part of mainstream life. page 6 the paper october 4, 2017 Faker than The German Election Happened, Merkel Stays On by Adam Hamilton But far-right parties make gains Truth Personal Wahl Reporter an Parliament, struggled to distinguish Migration in Europe has created By Nick Peters Angela Merkel and her party the himself from Merkel and was often out- problems of ethnic identity as German flanked by her on political issues. Shulz towns and cities increasingly accom- Fordham Announces Merger Christian Democratic Union were re- was unable to capitalize on the German modate large numbers of refugees Between Starbucks and Aramark elected with the most seats to the Bundstag during Germany’s election dissatisfaction with migrants into the that speak another language, have a country because his party, the SPD was different religion, and have different Fordham University, after re- on September 24. Merkel, widely seen in coalition with Merkel when the policy social practices. The open arms Merkel cently putting in a Starbucks as a as the de facto leader of the European was implemented and his past public extended in the beginning of the crisis new dining option in Dealy Hall, Union, has faced increasing criticism support. Further, Shulz was unable to she justified as a response to the Syri- has announced that Aramark, the for her handling of the European mi- make headway with his push for income an Civil War and Libyan Civil War, but as university’s food supplier, is joining grant crisis. The biggest change in this inequality because of how Merkel quali- the years have gone on and the number with Starbucks as the new official election is the rise of new far right par- fied the country’s economic success. of migrants went up Calls for the pro- campus dining supplier. ties. Merkel attributes the improvements tection of Germany’s cultural heritage Effective immediately, every sin- The AfD or Alternative for Deutch- in the German economy since the late led to the rise of the AfD. This is the first gle on-campus dining option for the land won massive gains by winning nineties to labor reforms but in place time since the Nazi’s that the far right Rose Hill campus will be re-labeled seats in parliament for the first time. has a seat as a Starbucks. A Starbucks Above. In the German at the table Starbucks Kitchen. Starbucks & system a party in Germany, Sesame. These will be some of the gains seats in and their new renamed dining options that parliament only position will will grace this campus. However, if it crosses a five give them a Cosi will remain Cosi as to not strike percent threshold. voice. up any legal issues, but now Cosi AfD did not clear Outside will be serving Starbucks coffee in that threshold in of immigra- lieu of their previous options. Even 2013, the last tion there the cafeteria will now be relabeled election, but has- seems to be as the Starbucks’ Exchange. At the since nearly tri- a general same time, Rodrigue’s, an indepen- pled its popularity consensus dent student run coffee house, has by taking hardline for Ger- to relabel itself to Rodrigue’s Star- anti-Muslim and man policy bucks, and is now officially serv- anti-immigration with Merkel ing Starbucks branded coffee and stances. The party as Chief. espresso. Fordham went further to is controversial in I want YOU to stop tweeting dumb Merkel had announce that now every building Germany because things! called for a on campus, whether it is dorms, of its flirtation with by Merkel’s predecessor as chancel- more Eurocentric vision since the elec- classrooms, or offices, is getting neo Nazism and its targeting of Mus- lor, Gerhard Schröder of the SPD. Let- tion and behavior of Donald Trump. their own personal Starbucks. lims as a religious group. Despite this ting the SPD take credit for these gains Trump’s election has caused uncer- Fordham, on this exciting new AfD earned the third largest number of proved to be a double edged sword as tainty over his support of Article 5 of development, has said “We are seats in parliament. Shultz and the SPD could not campaign NATO, which requires all of NATO to proud of this merger, and we can’t The election centered on Germany’s against these reforms, allowing them to fight if one nation will attack. She has wait for what this means for the fu- relatively open door policy for migrants get outflanked on the left. pushed for a more active foreign policy, ture of Fordham. It’s obvious that and refugees in the wake of the Liby- Merkel also managed to fur- sending tanks to the Baltic nations and the Fordham student body has an and Syrian Civil Wars. Since 2015 ther weaken Shulz position by legalizing over 1000 soldiers to West Africa to had a high demand for Starbucks, nearly 900,000 refugees have made gay marriage. Shulz had campaigned in support the French mission there. Ger- so therefore we felt they would not it to Germany, often by walking over favor of gay marriage, which Merkel is many’s Economy has continued to do be satisfied until we put one every- the Eurasian land mass or by taking personally against, and criticized her well with high level specialized manu- where.” dangerous makeshift boats across the for her beliefs. Merkel allowed a vote to facturing producing a massive trade As of right now, there are no Mediterranean. While initially accepted be held to legalize gay marriage to pass surplus. Merkel will also continue her plans for Starbucks in either the with relatively open arms these mi- (while voting against it personally). This efforts of supporting and emboldening Westchester or Lincoln Center cam- grants increasingly became a political move helped take the momentum off European institutions which will gradu- puses. liability for Merkel and her governing position as the arrival of refugees pre- social issues so that the SPD lost more ally help further integrate the non Brexit ceded a rise in crime, sexual assaults, seats than the CDU. SPD has decided Eurozone. There is still much work to be and terrorism. Germany’s ruling coali- that they will not form a coalition with done, and in her twelve years of leader- tion of the CDU and SPD (Social Demo- Merkel and will instead lead the op- ship Angela Merkel has been able to do cratic Party) lost significantly, dropping position leaving Merkel to form a coali- right by Germany. In her next four she to 53.4% from 67.2% in 2013, with al- tion with two of the smaller parties, the will have to confront the issue of migra- most all the gain going to AfD. Greens and the FDP, a pro-business tion and the German identity. Shulz, the former head of the Europe- party. october 4, 2017 the paper page 7 NFL Takes a Knee, Gives Trump the Finger Realer by Andrew Millman Staff Sports Fan Peaceful protests spark conservative outrage brutality is disrespectful of the flag Fame quarterback, stated he was “not Than Fact Last Friday, President Trump took a and also the soldiers that fought for sure if our president understands those break from the actual responsibilities it, but these players are simply ex- rights, that every American has the right By Declan Murphy of the presidency to attack various pro- ercising their constitutional right to to speak out and also to protest”. Terry fessional athletes for their perceived express themselves and advocate Bradshaw lecturing the president on the Carlos Danger Strikes Again; slights. You know, instead of doing for change, which is what those sol- Constitution must be a sign of the apoca- Full-on Crime Edition what a normal president would, like diers fought for. The flag symbolizes lypse. The issue became about freedom helping Puerto Rico, a U.S. territory America and its values. One of those of speech, rather than police brutality, be- Walter White once said “I am that is recovering from a catastrophic values is freedom of speech and it cause the President of the United States the danger”; Anthony Weiner once hurricane. 47% of this country doesn’t can be argued that preventing the was advocating that someone should be called himself “Carlos Danger”. The even know that Puerto fired from their difference? Walter White, surpris- Ricans are American job for expressing ingly, never went to jail. citizens and Trump is a political belief Not so for the former Congress- probably one of them. that he disagreed man, who just this week was sen- But, I digress. Trump’s with. The outrage tenced to 21 months in prison. latest tantrum started was near-unani- Weiner was jailed for sexting with when Steph Curry of mous across the a minor, an unnamed 15-year-old the Golden State War- sports world. For- girl, whom he first met on Twitter. riors said he might not mer NFL head Weiner will serve his term in a New attend the traditional coach Rex Ryan York prison. post-championship said, “I’m pissed This is not the first time Weiner White House visit be- off, I’ll be hon- has come under fire for his habit of cause of Trump’s di- est. I supported lewd texting. It was this same nasty visive rhetoric and Trump, and I’m habit that cost him his Congres- numerous scandals. appalled at these sional seat. Weiner publicly apolo- With his typical petu- comments.” Even gized, but mere months later it was lance, Trump tweeted one of Trump’s revealed that he continued to chat that Curry was disin- most ardent ce- with women under the pseudonym vited from an event he lebrity supporters Carlos Danger. This is, however, the wasn’t planning on attending. players from protesting would be was uncomfortable with the direction of first instance where the sexting was Then, at a rally in Alabama, Trump even more disrespectful towards the the president’s latest tirade. with a minor. That is what we in the told the crowd that NFL owners should troops. Also, Colin Kaepernick took In the past, Trump has been a vocal world of politics call a “sex crime”, fire any “son of a bitch” who- disre pains to remain respectful towards proponent of far-right college speakers and also “very nasty” and “disgust- spects the flag. This was in response the flag while protesting. He initially on free speech grounds, so his denial ing”. to ongoing protest, started by former sat during the anthem, but later of those same rights to mostly African- Prison will not be kind to Weiner; San Francisco 49ers quarterback switched to kneeling after an enlist- American professional athletes is espe- I hear you can’t even text in there! Colin Kaepernick, who began kneel- ed Marine told him that it would be cially jarring in this context. He emphati- ing during the national anthem last more respectful towards our troops. cally defended the rights of actual Nazis year. He was joined in solidarity by a The President’s off-script and to violently protest the removal of a Con- handful of other athletes across sev- near-incoherent rants about profes- federate statue in Charlottesville, but he eral sports, but Kaepernick was not sional athletes disrespecting the draws the line at professional athletes resigned by any team over the offsea- flag reignited the controversy and peacefully protesting police brutality. It son after his contract expired. A few elevated it to a new prominence. It seems our current president has more of NFL players had continued Kaeper- not only became the primary issue an affinity for white supremacists chant- nick’s protest, including Philadelphia of the weekend’s political discourse, ing racial slurs than professional athletes Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins and but also became the most significant saying black lives matter. Trump’s com- Seattle Seahawks defensive tackle cultural event in the country, with the ments transformed the issue from a pro- Michael Bennett, and there has been sports world forced to grapple with test against police brutality to a demon- a relatively small boycott of the NFL the attack that the president levied stration for freedom of speech and unity launched in protest of Kaepernick los- against it. The number of NFL play- against Trump, two things that are much ing his job. However, the protest had ers protesting during the national less controversial. Some team owners largely faded from the collective con- anthem went from about a dozen to may have participated in the protests, sciousness of most Americans after several hundred, with coaches and but Colin Kaepernick still doesn’t have a the initial controversy last year until owners joining in as well. National job at a time when Brian Hoyer is current- Trump’s comments on Friday. anthem singers at two games even ly the starting quarterback for the 49ers. Trump claims that professional kneeled while singing. The longer Kaepernick remains without a athletes silently kneeling during the On Fox’s NFL pregame show, com- job, the more it proves that the owners national anthem in protest of police mentator Terry Bradshaw, a Hall of are just as self-interested as Trump. page 8 the paper october 4, 2017 Businessman Attempts Talking to Strangers 2: Nuclear Boogaloo by Michael Jack O’Brien Editor’s note: I’m both happy and terrified to bring this title back Digital Editor tentimes ominous wording he uses in nevertheless disconcerting that Trump perhaps because of his searing criticism of Where should one even start? I’ve his tweets. During his address, Trump uses such abrasive rhetoric when the the Iran Nuclear deal, a negotiation which said it before and I’ll say it again, took time to boast about everything true threat of the DPRK regime is yet Trump calls one “of the worst and most one- but tracking Donald Trump’s antics from jobs to the stock market, claim- to be fully analyzed. After the speech, sided transactions” made by the Obama is not comical. There’s no humor or ing that after his election, American North Korea responded with their own administration. It should also be noted joy in this job; no, documentation of economic growth had “skyrocketed” slew of insults, calling Trump “mentally that Trump is a staunch supporter of Saudi this man is more akin to tracking a (whether he deserves credit for this deranged” and stating that a “fright- Arabia, Iran’s main rival and adversary. natural disaster than a rational act- is unimportant to Trump). He goes on ened dog barks louder”, a quite can- Lastly, despite the numerous threats no ing human being. After almost a full to address the North Korean nuclear did statement coming from one of the world security, Donald Trump reminded the year of Donald J. Trump as president, threat, claiming that while The United most brutal dictatorships in the world. United Nations of his “America First” policy, news fatigue is in full force as stating that “I was elected not to it seems that not even Trump take power, but to give power himself knows what will happen to the American people where next: Robert Muller continues his it belongs. In foreign affairs, investigation into obstruction of we are renewing this founding justice claims, Republicans at- principle of sovereignty.” This tempt to kill Obamacare for the statement stands in stark con- umpteenth time this week, hurri- trast to the Obama administra- canes battered the United States tions UN remarks, which were and Puerto Rico, Jared Kushner more often centered around is using private email servers, unity and cooperation. It is clear oh and also, he’s a woman ac- that Trump believes the United cording to his voting records. States has been “unfairly bur- Some of Donald Trump’s dened” financially and militar- most concerning actions come ily in the protection of world in the form of his foreign poli- security. Despite the US being cy, which, much like the man the world’s only hyperpower, himself, is brash, clumsy, in his address the president Ping-pong POTUS and oftentimes shortsighted. urged the other nations of the For example, as the pioneer UN to show more dedication in of Twitter diplomacy, Trump has fighting threats such as authori- decided to instigate a pissing contest States hopes for a peaceful resolu- While Trump’s statement on North Ko- tarianism and “radical Islamic terrorism”. with one of the world’s most dangerous tion to this conflict, The U.S (or just rea is certainly exciting to analyze, the In short, the president’s UN address dictators, Kim Jong Un, over a series of Trump) has no reservations about president addressed a wide range of top- was much a reflection of himself. While missile tests launched by North Korea completely obliterating the eastern ics in his address. Much of the speech certainly more professional than previous over the Sea of Japan. As tensions rose hemisphere; “The United States has is spent lambasting authoritarian “rogue public speeches, it is clear that Trump’s over the ensuing weeks, Trump and great strength and patience, but if states”, with special attention given to Iran. foreign policy is less a coherent strategy Kim Jong Un exchanged middle school it is forced to defend itself or its al- “The Iranian government masks a than an amalgamation of several person- playground level insults with each lies, we will have no choice but to to- corrupt dictatorship behind the false al convictions on the state of the world. other, seemingly ignoring the fact that tally destroy North Korea”. He goes guise of a democracy. It has turned A sense of disorder is palpable, one can both countries have the potential to on to call The Glorious Leader by his a wealthy country, with a rich history only hope that the experts surrounding cause the death of human civilization. trademark insult “Rocket Man”, stat- and culture, into an economically de- him can assist the president in creating The insults don’t stop on Twitter, ing that Kim Jong Un is on a “suicide pleted rogue state whose chief exports a more coherent foreign policy; perhaps however, as just this week Trump ad- mission for himself and his regime”. are violence, bloodshed, and chaos.” one that doesn’t include social media. dressed the UN General Assembly in While it is highly unlikely that petty Iran has been a constant, borderline New York with the similar fiery and of- insults will spark nuclear war, it is obsession for the first term president, october 4, 2017 the paper page 9

How to Scam Your Way Into Wedding Dress Shopping By Colleen Burns Why wait until you’re engaged?? Follow these easy steps instead! Opinions Co-Editor For some people—and let me be put some type of ring on your left ring more sophisticated. Think bridal, and Step 10: Ask the consultants a clear, not all people—wedding dress finger. A claddagh ring with the heart maybe skip the crop top. You’re also question. While you may want to avoid shopping is a highly anticipated activity turned in will certainly do. If they ask to trying to look like you have thousands their watchful eyes, you don’t want to in the process of wedding planning. see your ring, you can always say that it of dollars to spend on a dress you wear act suspicious. It’s actually better to If you’re one of these people, you is being resized. once. So if you have any brands to engage (hahaha get it?) with them but might find yourself watching too many show off, do it. not too much! Ask them one question, episodes of Say Yes to the Dress or Four Step 7: Make two questions tops! Then simply thank Weddings…man TLC knows what’s up. it clear that them for their help, and go back to Even if you don’t obsess over these you’re not buying hiding amongst the lace and tulle. shows, society has programmed anything from the Step 11: Take a billion Snapchats. “finding the perfect dress” as a right beginning. Again, You want to remember this moment of passage into the minds of little girls be considerate. forever…since it is in fact your first time for centuries. But why wait until you’re You don’t want to wedding dress shopping. Also you obvi engaged?! Here’s how to bypass the waste someone want to share this experience with all engagement all together and scam else’s time and your snap followers because we must your way into wedding dress shopping: energy. You want to continue to portray our fantastic, Step 1: Have a back-story. The convince them that perfect lives on social media! consultants will ask you who the bride you’re a bride, but Step 12: Only try on dresses if Steps is and take your name and phone you don’t actually 1 – 10 are executed perfectly. This number. It’s their job to talk wedding, want to buy a dress. is a game time decision. If you feel so you best come up with something Say it’s your first comfortable trying on dresses, then I beforehand. My suggestion is to say Step 4: Bring a literal posse. Wedding time wedding dress shopping since you say go for it! However, if you feel super you just got engaged last week and dress shopping by yourself won’t be just got engaged. You’re overwhelmed uncomfortable and awkward, then that this is your first time wedding as fun or as believable without best with possibilities and just want to get a move on to Step 13! Also keep in mind dress shopping. friends. Beware: you don’t want too feel for the different types of dresses. that if you’re shopping in a sample Step 2: KNOW your back-story. How big or too small of a group. Bring some This takes off a lot of pressure from store, the dresses will not fit most did you and your fiancé meet? How long close pals that don’t crack under the consultants to make a purchase, people because #societysucks! have you been together? Is the wedding pressure. Suggested size: two to three especially since you’re NOT actually Step 13: Plan an exit strategy. You this year? Next year? How big is the friends. buying a dress! never know what’s going to happen. wedding? The consultants will most Step 5: Don’t go anywhere that you Step 8: Smile, laugh, and be a Fake wedding dress shopping can be likely ask you a few of these questions. need an appointment. Don’t be that goddamn excited bride. This step is stressful. So plan an exit strategy in If you say you just got engaged last asshole who makes an appointment EXTREMELY important. You just got advance just in case you need to get week, then you can bypass the wedding at a high-end wedding dress store. You engaged last week! You are over the the hell out of there. My suggestion: planning questions because it’s too do NOT want to waste someone’s time moon in love and happy! Act like it! have a friend call the bride. She’ll fake early in the planning process to know. or commission. Instead, see if they Step 9: Keep the convo flowing. This answer the phone and make something Duh. have a sample store you can browse is where your friends come in. “I can up about why you have to leave. Thank Step 3: I’m serious every detail needs in. Suggested store if you’re in NYC: totally picture you in a fitted mermaid the consultants. Then take more selfies to be thought of…even the ring. The Kleinfeld’s sample store. It is right gown!” “Do you like lace?” “What’s outside the door. consultants see so many brides a day; across the street from the main store! your budget?” This will help sell your If you follow these steps, I have no it only makes sense to stare at your left Step 6: Dress for success, aka: look story. You don’t want to just look at doubt that you can successfully scam hand. If you don’t have an engagement fancy and rich. You’re probably trying to dresses and feel awkward while the your way into wedding dress shopping! ring (I don’t know why you would), try to look 24 or 25, so try to dress slightly consultants watch you. page 10 the paper october 4, 2017 Netflix is in Shambles and so is My Heart By John Looby Baby come back...you can blame it all on me (and Disney) Co-Editor in Chief sophisticated for remembering shows began cutting the cord in a manner of media platforms we’re all going to Recently I came to notice a dark and that ended. Remembering the plot speaking it was that we could watch just give up and start paying a major truly terrifying truth, the Netflix library to Quantum Leap episodes doesn’t all the content we desired through corporation a flat fee so that they selection is slowly going to absolute make you cultured you sick fucks. consolidated media platforms can serve as the intermediary for us garbage. and not the sort that you can Now as networks and corporations without being held hostage by the all having access to every one of the compost. I mean, would choke a baby pull content and place it behind high charges of cable companies nine thousand streaming services penguin to death type of garbage. their own pay walls while Netflix and the outdated idea of scheduled available. The cord cutting revolution Content owners are pulling their shifts gears towards original content, viewings of television programs in the is going to lead right back into us material from Netflix left and right we will see old shows and films information age. Now however there all either paying AT&T or Comcast in what I would call a hasty fashion. so that we can get our greedy little It seems that every media company hands back on to all the content wants their own streaming service. we so desperately crave. It’s the Why? What in god’s name was the darkest timeline and it’s essentially point of Seeso? A streaming service an outright inevitability. Who wants to dedicated to comedy programming start dealing with Comcast customer that no one knows about? Eat shit service again? No one. No one does Harmonquest. Should have put that Amazon Prime video. HOW DARE ish on Netflix where all digital content YOU? belongs. The idea that every single Streaming services used to be the company or network needs its own joy of my life as an introverted high streaming service is a great way to school student who was attached to make sure that most of them collapse his couch after what was arguably too and burn. No one can possibly afford aggressive of a cross country practice to subscribe to the absurd number of for a time that really never won streaming services that have popped anything that impressive, but now that into existence in the past few years. once again shifting slowly into the isn’t really a consolidated digital dream is dead. Binge Icarus flew too I’m honestly afraid of what this crisis forgotten. Personally, I’m not going to platform for viewing. At this point close to the sun and now everything could lead to. join another 3 subscription services when you want to watch something is ruined. When it comes down to it, We all remember the bastion just in case I happened to be in the you have to launch a digital we had good thing going here guys, of wasted weekends and binged mood for certain pieces of content. investigation to find which websites but we basically just managed to sort television shows Netflix used to be. So, umm, goodbye forever, I guess. have it, whether it’s available for of kill the classical TV guide a bit. In I’m not just mourning the losses of The problem isn’t just that Netflix is streaming or just renting, and if you five years you’ll just select whatever Chuck and Psych because I’m bitter losing old content it’s the progressive currently are subscribed to the proper new show Comcast created, watch (bring my babies back you sons of fragmentation that affects even the service. all of it, and then move on to the bitches). I’m genuinely concerned newer content being created. Disney, The increased fragmentation next one while the robots continue to about the vanishing of these as with other content creators, has of streaming is going to lead to put you out of your job. I also blame television programs. What was great begun pulling its content for the sake something I fear more than anything Comcast for the robots. I blame Cable about Netflix was that it stopped of its own streaming service. While at else, streaming service subscription companies for everything. Marry me shows from slipping totally from the first this may seem harmless, it will packages, or, as we’ve been calling before it’s too late Netflix, I can save collective cultural consciousness and ultimately lead to something much them for decades, fucking cable. you, I swear. being relegated to a subreddit where a worse than a limited Netflix library. In an effort to reduce the stress of bunch of people consider themselves Originally, when our generation trying to access literally too many october 4, 2017 the paper page 11 Astrology as a Pseudoscience is Actually Incredibly Harmful By Reyna Wang My star sign has no agency over my life problematic because it reinforces in of their hands. Ear Wax Editor which includes the promotion of sci- these people the institutionally condi- The most problematic aspect of as- Since its resurgence as a subculture entific racism, used to justify chattel tioned perception that they have little trology comes from the fact that it is in the 1960s, astrology has been ris- slavery and racial segregation. Even to- power over their lives. Dr. Gad Saad, a system used to evaluate not only ing in mainstream popularity. Today, it day, despite overwhelming agreement a professor specializing in marketing yourself but also those around you. is nearly impossible to escape its reach within the scientific community, only and behavioral science, proposes that It’s almost mind blowing to me that on a daily basis. Whether at a party or 62% of Americans believe in evolution women are more likely to ascribe to as- more people do not draw the connec- on Tinder, I’m always hearing about and only 48% believe climate change trology because they are likely to have tion between astrology and systems moon signs, birth charts, and astrologi- is caused by human activity. Though a more external locus of control, the of identity that serve as the basis for cal compatibility—and I can’t stand it. I astrology isn’t nearly as dangerous as psychological perception that outside discrimination, especially when cer- know this is an unpopular opinion, but scientific racism or climate change de- forces primarily influence events and tain signs, such as Gemini, have bla- hear me out. As a legitimate system of nial, the intentional propagation of any their outcomes. Meanwhile, men are tantly negative connotations. Perhaps analysis or as a form of entertainment, particular pseudoscience is likely to in- likely to have a more internal locus of it’s because dealing with being put in astrology is, to me, ineffective and po- crease the potential for pseudoscience control, the perception that one can a box is an issue that is so constant tentially harmful. to be accepted in general. control events and their outcomes. and personal for me, having always There is no debate as to whether as- Another dimension of this issue is This makes sense given the oppression been an Asian girl surrounded by a trology is valid as a science. Since the that since its resurgence in modern of women, which has robbed women of white community. When people ask me widespread adoption of the scientific times, astrology has been marketed control over who their elected officials “What’s your sign?” I cannot help but method, the scientific community has almost exclusively to women (as well are, the types of careers they can have, be reminded of the dreaded question, proven, through double blind tests in- as other marginalized groups, to a and their own bodies. Studies have “What kind of Asian are you?” that I get volving natal charts as well as theoreti- lesser extent). Almost every women’s shown that holding higher positions in so often. Both are based on the prem- cal studies, that astrology is pseudo- magazine has a horoscope section organizations has been associated with ise that because I was born some kind science. I would like to believe that the while horoscopes are rare in men’s having a more internal locus of control. of way, people are entitled to catego- vast majority of people engage in as- magazines. Up until a few years ago, This makes sense—if you believe you rize and make assumptions about me. trology for entertainment reasons op- Huffington Post nested its horoscopes have power over your own success, you Obviously, astrology is not dangerous in posed to scientific validity. I think this under the “Women’s Voices” section. are more likely to take steps to achieve the institutional way that racism is, but is true for my immediate circle of peers, By doing this, the journalism industry is it. I can understand the appeal of turn- to make entertainment out of judging but I have come across a fair number of reinforcing the stereotype that women ing to a system of order that helps us people based on assigned identities people who do actually believe astrol- are not predisposed to engage in “real” sort out the complexity of ourselves seems insensitive. Furthermore, peo- ogy is based in science. In fact, surveys science, a bias that is false and can be and our futures—seeking patterns ple are judged based on the system of show that almost half of Americans harmfully internalized. in the universe is natural. However, I astrology even if they do not subscribe think that astrology is at least “sort of I recognize that although astrol- worry that ascribing your personality to it, which is very symptomatic of scientific.” Furthermore, a 2014 study ogy has no scientific value, it doesn’t and life events to astrological forces, Western hegemony and excludes the by the National Science Foundation necessarily have no value at all. Many even if just for fun, can subtly train you existence of several other traditions revealed that a disproportionately high people see astrology as spiritual, thera- to believe that things that happen are of astrology that originate from around number of 18-24 year olds share this peutic, or just fun, which are all valid determined by forces out of your con- the world. This is probably the most in- opinion and that this number is grow- reasons to appreciate something. My trol, a frame of mind that is incongru- depth social analysis of astrology you ing. Despite general scientific advanc- argument is not that subscribing to as- ous with empowerment. Thus, astrol- will ever encounter, but make what you es, a spike in the popularity of astrology trology weakens the scientific prowess ogy potentially adds to the systematic will of it. Just don’t bring up astrology in recent years is causing more young of women. However, even if we disre- indoctrination of women to believe that around me. people to believe in pseudoscience. gard scientific credence in astrology, the power to achieve certain kinds of This is dangerous given prominence the marketing of astrology to women success or to claim certain rights is out of pseudoscience in American history, and other marginalized groups is still page 12 the paper october 4, 2017 Gushers: My Ultimate Act of Adolescence Rebellion By Hillary Bosch You know you want a pack of these gooey little pieces of heaven Features & List Co-Editor you can still get your sugar fill because, to look forward to when you open your tropical packs taste like a fruit basket! 4th grade. Lunch period. I open my let’s face it, you’ve been addicted to pantry knowing that you have not been Honestly though, I think the reason Monsters Inc. lunchbox hoping to find sugar since 8th grade. to the grocery store for at least five I like Gushers so much is simply be- something sweet to fill the void of this cause I was not allowed to have them 9 year old life… but no. It’s carrots and for so long. My friends always had granola bars again—I sigh and think Gushers at their houses, along with there must be more than this provin- Poptarts (which were a huge nono), cial life. I look down the table and see cheese puffs, and anything with “Little Jillian and Shelby laugh and flip their Debbie” on the box. So when we had hair, and the sun shines off their faces sleepovers, naturally I would want as they unwrap their Gushers and Fruit them held at any house but mine, just by the Foot. They were goddesses, and so I could have one night away from the gummies their ambrosia and nec- the whole wheat hell of my pantry. No tar to fill their lives with purpose and mom, dried fruit is not an appropriate refined sugar. dessert and neither is an apple. Gushers were a fancy rare snack for Having Gushers now is not only an me, only for those times when I cried in amazing morning/afternoon/night the grocery store and would not let go snack, but my own subtle form of rebel- of the box. Now, as a well-adjusted (lol) lion against my health food upbringing. twenty year old, I still think Gushers I had pretty strict parents, and since are the most amazing snack to grace turning sixteen, I have already gotten a the cereal and cracker aisle at Modern tattoo, lost my virginity, and renounced Market. Unlike chips or Cheetos, they the Republican Party. I have been look- leave no crumbs to clean up or eventu- Nay. A pack of Gushers is small days. Plus, there are just enough in a ing for a new way to prove my indepen- ally wipe onto the floor, and they only enough to fit in your sweatshirt pocket, pack so that you could share them if dence to the world and I found it—or sometimes leave a residue on your fin- easy to open, and easy to pop in your you wanted to but could also eat them did it find me?—in the form of heavily gers. Unlike granola bars, you do not mouth whether you are on the move or by yourself without feeling guilty when processed sugar goo with an unknown have to bite into them and risk making sneaking them into that 8:30am you you pass the gym. Also there are no liquid in the middle. The ultimate act of awkward eye contact with a boy as you were stuck with this semester. They bad flavors!! The strawberry packs rebellion: the Gusher. eat them on your way to class. Unlike make you feel like you have something have a generic sugar flavor, and the a healthy snack like veggies or fruit, Keep Your Freaking Opinions to Yourself, but That’s Just My Opinion By Jack Archambault No one cares what you think, sorry to burst your bubble Staff Opinionated care, unless you’re some kind of ex- Nuggets, or that I should donate to a at first glance, but don’t let that fool I fully understand the irony of this pert, which I can almost guarantee charity that helps piglets who are born you! Useless opinions are a slippery article. Just last year I wrote an opin- you’re not, I really don’t want to hear with balls where their eyes should be slope that are often employed strate- ionated article about why honeydew it. If you think that Zoolander was a (this actually happened). If it really gically to see how much of someone’s melon is terrible. This article is in the bad movie, you are free to feel that just breaks your heart when you see opinions another person can take. So opinions section. I have many opin- way. Just stop acting like it’s peasant these piglets who have testicles on next time you are talking to someone ions myself. Having opinions is an trash that could only satisfy a lower their faces, that’s fine, but don’t ask and they tell you that they think candy intrinsic part of human nature. Ev- class of human. And if you think that me to feel the same way. You know corn is underrated, run for the hills. It eryone has their opinions, and here Tom Brady stinks, well, that’s not fine who actually did good and made a is only a matter of time before you are is mine: keep them to your goddamn and you’d better never let me hear meaningful impact on people’s lives? listening to their views on immigration self. you say another word against the Mother Teresa. And nobody ever saw and abortion. There is nothing more self-centered golden boy ever again. her bragging about it. None of this is to say that nobody than thinking that people care about Some of the most annoying and un- Another type of opinion that has no should have an opinion about any- what you have to say. Yes, I am speak- wanted of opinions come from people place in my perfect world is the use- thing, or that we shouldn’t offer up ing directly to every single person who think they do good in the world. less opinion. This is an opinion that our opinions as part of a meaning- on Earth with a Twitter account. No- To be more specific, I’m talking about someone holds about something ful dialogue to understand all sides body cares what you think about the people who do minor good in the so minute and insignificant that the of an issue. However, when you find weather today (we can all feel it), or a world. I mean people who donate to opinion itself is more disruptive than yourself about to tell someone about new videogame (nerds), or Star Wars charity and tell you about it. Or people the actual object of that opinion. For how much you hate country music, (again, nerds). If you think that sports who only eat vegetables and feel that example, if you have a strong opinion or that baseball is a lame sport, just are stupid and meaningless, fine. they are warriors for the voiceless. about peanut M&Ms, that is a useless don’t say anything. But that’s just my Keep it to yourself, but just know that You can do whatever you choose, but opinion. If you have a hot take on types opinion. so are the Tony Awards. To anybody please, please, please don’t tell me of pens, that is a useless opinion. who has ranted about taxes or health that I should stop eating Chicken Mc- These opinions may appear harmless october 4, 2017 the paper page 13 the paper’s view Sporps with Scott

Five Horrific Examples of Commodification This Week in Kneeball:

1 - Hallmark The Akron Robocops defeated the Swiftwater Watercoolers by a score of 13 to Z. The Robocops’ left center chef, Reed Zimblast, added 5.11 assists Somehow, Hallmark has managed to turn every single holiday on the and scored H times. Swiftwater’s half bride, Alex McShoe, executed 345 planet into a card, then invented some more holidays and turned them shinstrikes – but it wasn’t enough to give the ‘Coolers the edge. The Ro- into cards. I can literally buy Festivus cards from Hallmark. It’s a joke. bocops are Bth in the Northsouthwest Conference, behind the Modesto -LG Matthew McConaugheys who are 5 games ahead. The Watercoolers have They’re literally selling us goddamn emotions. I can buy how I’m sup- the edge in the Rockieppalchian Conference, but with this loss the Boul- posed to feel in a fucking store. Please stop this is too much. -JL der Borschtbrewers are only a tight 2.33 games behind.

2 - Minions Over in the Atlantis Conference, the Portsmouth Cerberi are atop the standings where they lead the Branford Toenailclippers by 6 games and the Shamong Extruders by 10.14159 games. In the Dessert Conference, Get that shit the fuck out of my life. Oh my god what is it with hitting the Yarnell Blobfishes and the Hachita Lederhosen are neck-and-neck forty and branding your entire thought process on facebook with fucking – with the Ky-kotsmovi Village Boxing Kangaroos not too far behind in minions. SHUT THE HELL UP with the Minions Linda. You think this is a &nd place. game? You think Minions merchandise is acceptable. I’ll burn it all. I’ll gather it in a big old box and BURN IT ALL. -JL If the season ended today, we would likely Modesto and Swiftwater In the firstDespicable Me, one of the Minions drinks a strange liq- square off in the first round of the Waning Division and Portsmouth and uid and floats off into space. He is never rescued. The protagonists of Yarnell on the opposite side of the bracket in the Waxing Di-vision. The Despicable Me are all murderers, and you’re complicit if you went to the Murdo Cosmo Kramers could very well lock up the Waning Wild Card as theater. -LG might the Paw Paw Corkboards for the Waxing Division. This reporter would love to see the ‘Coolers and the Blobfishes face off for the Rodrick 3 - Angry Birds circa 2012 Heffley Memorial Cup come August 12th.

Okay, so remember back in, like, sophomore year of high school, when Angry Birds had already been out for about three years, and at this point Sporps Fast Facts: we started getting the fucking weird Angry Birds tie in games, like the Thursday marks the 58th anniversary of Joe DiMaggio snubbing Little one for Rio, or the one with space physics, or the one with space phys- Jimmy O’Shea’s autograph request outside Yankee Stadium. ics and a Star Wars skin, and it JUST SO HAPPENED that right around that time people started talking about how this game would get a movie Aaron Judge broke the record last week for homeruns in a rookie season, deal, and there were Angry Bird flip flops and backpacks and tea -co but he sets his sight on the rookie exorcism record this weekend. If he zies? Yeah, fuck that time. -LG can exorcise three ghosts by the conclusion of Sunday’s game, he’ll pass Angry Birds is what made me realize capitalism was probably a Sandy Koufax and take the record for himself. doomed system. What economic system would punish its participants this way? How could this be allowed to persist in a just world? The light This NHL season is the 20th season without professional hockey in Con- in my life went out after the third spin off- JL necticut. Statisticians project if the Whalers had stayed in Hartford, they would have been a colossal disappointment and maxed out at 30 wins per 4 - Facebook season with an average attendance of your mom’s friend Susan and her husband Bernie. Hey Mark, how’s it going. Any chance of me ever getting any shred of personal privacy back? Maybe un-sell my browsing data to whatever Sporps Abroad: Russian server farm operator has it? No? Alright then man have a good day, also, go fuck ya self. -LG New Japan Pro Wrestling’s Destruction in Kobe saw “The Cleaner” Ken- Hey so umm this one time I looked up boots on google and then for ny Omega defeat Juice Robinson for the United States Championship in three months that was my newsfeed ads, so yeah what the shit man? the main event. Other highlights included Will Ospreay and Kazuchika -JL Okada defeating Hiromu Takahashi and “King of Darkness” EVIL, CHA- OS defeating Los Ingo-bernables de Japan in trios action, and Killer Elite 5 - Black Mirror’s “Be Right Back” Squad defeating War Machine and Guerillas of Destiny for the IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Championships. Yo, what the fuck.- JL

I haven’t seen it yet so I’ll just assume he’s right. -LG CONTENT page 14 the paper october 4, 2017 Fenty Beauty Review: Rihanna’s All Inclusive Makeup Line Anna Passero-Koennecke Fifty—I mean forty shades never looked so damn good Copy Chief drops to mix, as even the more in- that makeup for dark-skinned women ($25) have colors for just about ev- Recently Robyn Rihanna Fenty, aka clusive companies tend to have wide should be easily accessible and not ery skin tone. The contour for pale the beloved singer Rihanna, released gaps and lacking undertones when it treated as a specialty niche market. skins lean grey, which I’ve always her cruelty-free Fenty Beauty makeup comes to their darker shade collec- In addition, Rihanna’s fame ensures found best for a more believable look. line in partnership with LVMH’s Ken- tions. that her products will get plenty of Once they are applied they are hard do Brands on September 8th, 2017. This might seem like a minor prob- attention from retailers and other to move, so blending can be difficult; And let me tell you, the beauty world lem to many; that, with all the other brands. Within days of release onto however, once achieved, your contour has been raving. Until only a few days discrimination in the world, makeup physical shelves, the dark shades won’t be going anywhere. prior, there was very little released is a frivolous place to take a stand, were out of stock. Fenty Beauty’s The lip gloss ($18) is, to be frank, showing of what the actual products but it is not. Many jobs require women success has put pressure on other poppin’. It’s super thick and glossy, were or what they looked like, but one to wear makeup, and those become brands to step up their game as well, a bit goopy but not overly sticky, and phrase overtook social media before inaccessible to a woman when the and many have started announcing looks amazing. It also smells like a the first pictures were even released: makeup in question is inaccessible releases of more inclusive shades. strawberry candy from my childhood “Forty Shades.” Not only is this an ex- to her. Even for the jobs that don’t Whether they’ll be able to keep up is that I can’t quite place (if anyone fig- tremely large range (particularly for a require makeup, studies have found another question; rumor has it that ures it out hmu, it’s driving me nuts), new brand), but the fact that it is com- that women who do wear makup earn Rihanna is looking to release 40 and brings pleasant nostalgic feel- ing from a black-owned company left more on average than those who do more shades in addition to the ones ings. hope that Fenty Beauty would not be not, to the tune of $4,000-$6,000 already out. TBH, while the primer ($32) felt nice another case of “50(well, 40) Shades more a year. Although this pressure Now you may be asking, “Hey, this I didn’t notice anything out of the or- of Beige.” Rihanna promised to make for women to wear makeup is a huge, is awesome and all, but are the prod- dinary, but it’s made for oily skin and a line that included all women, par- sexist issue that needs to be fixed, in ucts actually any good?” Lucky for diffusing noticeable pores, neither of ticularly fellow ladies of darker color, the current system it still means that you, I’m here to give a run down on which are a problem for me. who she is quoted saying have “been women who are not able to easily find that front too. Last and most importantly: the left out too many times in the makeup foundation ($34). First off, as some- world!” And girl, did she deliver. Since one on the extremely pale end, this Fenty Beauty’s release, women of is the closest fit I’ve ever found,- us hard-to-shop-for skin tones - be it due ing the cooler of the two lightest to Albinism or being on the darker shades, 110. This is the same shade end of the spectrum - have been post- I’ve seen many albino girls posting ing photos proudly displaying their about being the first shade that they first-ever matching foundation. ever found that matches. Now it is From the outside, Fenty Beauty’s geared towards oily skin, while mine release might seem of very little con- is dry, so I was expecting some dif- sequence or just another celebrity ficulty. It claims to be medium to full starting just another makeup brand. coverage, but I found it to be lighter However, the social implications of to medium coverage. At first it went Fenty Beauty are huge. Women (and on a little streaky and cakey, with a men) of color have long been ignored bit of clinging to texture (should work by the makeup and beauty world, much better if you have oily or combo particularly in the case of more main- skin). However, after a few bops with stream brands. There are many great makeup to suit their needs have a Fenty Beauty currently has single a blending sponge and more applica- black-owned companies that cater huge financial disadvantage. To com- and duo pressed powder highlighters, tion, I found it melted beautifully into specifically towards women of color, pensate for it, they must go through cream stick highlighters, contour con- my skin and somehow matched my such as black Up. However, because far more time, effort, and money than cealer sticks, a universal gloss, and, face even better than before. Safe to of their “limited” appeal in the eyes of their white woman counterparts. In of course, foundation. They are also say this stuff is magic. Fair warning, retailers such as Sephora, they are addition to affecting job prospects, set to release some awesome look- I did use UD setting spray, but after almost never carried in store. This the lack of visible inclusive makeup ing space-themed holiday products a 12 hour day sweating in 80+ heat, makes these products rather inacces- send a very clear and very wrong soon. I only tested out the makeup and a bit of vigorous exercise. it still sible to the average shopper. While message. When brands do not have products. looked amazing. Despite my initial fairer-skinned women can usually just foundations that match women of col- The single highlighters ($34) are misgivings, I can firmly say I’ll be a swing by Sephora and swatch a bunch or, they are quite literally sending the extremely glittery - which I am a fan loyal purchaser of this foundation. of shades in store, darker-skinned message that these colors of skin do of - but those looking for a more natu- Overall her collection was impres- women are stuck in the lengthy pro- not exist, and that is not okay. ral sheen might not be fond of. The sive quality. Makeup lovers and dab- cess of ordering a shade, seeing if it Fenty Beauty changes that. Not spe- duo powders ($34) are drop dead gor- blers alike, get yourselves some Fenty matched, returning it, and ordering a cifically a black beauty brand, it inte- geous and include a glittery shade as Beauty! new one. Even WOC who could find grates makeup for black women and well as a more satin one. The crème shades in store were usually stuck men into the rest of the beauty world sticks ($25) combined the best of with “close enough” or forced to buy in a way few companies bother to do. both worlds in a glittery satin. two shades and/or color correcting Fenty Beauty is sending a message The contour and concealer sticks october 4, 2017 the paper page 15

The Case for Heavy Metal, a Great Genre of Music by Christian Decker Will cause you to Thrash, but in a good way Staff Metalhead a lot of genres to take in, but fear not, ested you should consider it yourself! ting out pent up aggression. Rather I know what you’re thinking. Are you I will explain a couple so you get a bet- One of the main reasons I really got than choking out your roommate, you deaf? Do you hate your ears? Metal is ter idea. Black metal is usually where into metal is because I recently picked can just throw on some metal and just noise. Is this guy a devil worship- all the satanic and anti-religious stuff up the electric guitar and it’s cool to be head bang. I find it rather relaxing to per? These are all very valid question comes to fruition so if that’s not your inspired by so many amazing guitarists be honest. It’s good stuff to listen to if and not without merit. I’m going to try thing stay away from that. Thrash metal and listen to their awesome rifts and your pissed off or you saw something to dispel some of the rumors surround- is quick and hard-hitting metal (if you solos. One of my personal favorites is stupid Congress did. The common mis- ing metalheads, and attempt to justify know Metallica they are one of the pio- Adam Jones from Tool. The complexity conception is that metal fans are very my love for this music and why you, the violent people but, a lot of us use it to reader, should listen to one of the most channel anger into something more awesome music genres! creative and positive. First, I want to get rid of the stigma Now to address the screaming issue. surrounding the fans of metal. Metal- I get that too, I’ve been there. I used heads are often confused as devil wor- to hate that screeching and that gut- shippers who are extremely violent and tural growling that makes up a lot of just want to kill people and plunge the metal songs. It didn’t have a melody world into anarchy. This is simply not to it so it bothered me. But it grew on true. The devil worshipping stereotype me. If I couldn’t understand the lyrics stems form that fact that a lot of metal I focused on the instruments more. If using satanic imagery, mainly black I could understand the lyrics I could metal (more on that later). Most metal understand the raw emotion and lyrical fans are just non-religious people and talent that is embodied by a lot of these not theistic Satanists, although there bands. That isn’t to say there are some are some exceptions but they are in disgusting lyrics out there, and that the minority. I myself am Catholic and might not be your thing. Lyrical content that stuff really doesn’t bother me is strong in the Progressive metal cat- considering its just music to me and egory, but other genres absolutely have often to prove a point. This is usually their pick of awesome lyricists. the thing that turns people off about Now if this article has convinced you the metal scene. If it really bothers you to listen to metal, that’s awesome! I that much, just focus on the guitars! hope you really get into the genre! To Besides, not all metal bands are sa- Metallic Meme get you started I’ll give you some bands tanic, in fact, the clear majority are not. to check out. Meshugga is a great band One of the best things about metal neers of Thrash). Folk metal combines of his playing is so unique and different that invented their own style called is the variety of genres. There are so a lot of violin and other traditional folky from anything you’ll hear out there. An- djent. Slayer is one of the big four many different types and I’m gonna instruments combined with guitar and other notable is John Petrucci of Dream Thrash bands. Death is the pioneer do my best to list them out: Thrash, a more Nordic feel. Progressive metal Theatre, another legendary player. As of the Death Metal genre. Cannibal Heavy, Power, Death, Black, Folk (I’m combines a lot of electronic elements far as I’m concerned, metal has some Corpse is awesome if you like disgust- not kidding), Doom, Deathcore, Met- and complex guitar riffs with a more of the best and most complex guitar ing lyrics. And finally, if you’re a history alcore, Slam, Progressive, Nu, and melodic feel. Now I could go into all the playing out there. buff, Sabaton is the band for you. See other subgenres and types. Now that’s other genres but if you’re really inter- Listening to metal is also good at get- you in the mosh pit! page 16 the paper october 4, 2017 Scott VS. Nick - Now on Pay-Per-View Events by Nick Peters Editors discuss their interest in wrestling What: Taste the World and Scott Saffran Kombat the TV show. One of the wres- they will not take hold in an opportu- News Co-Editor tlers is legitimately a dragon. Another is nity. Like a lot of those aspects in that Where: McGinley Ball- a time traveler who comes from space. video, I didn’t even realize the dedicat- room and Copy Editor And then you have gangsters in there ed and passionate fan I was until they So this summer I did a bad thing. A too cause why not. were laid out in front of me. I was like When: Fri. Oct 13th very bad thing. I dipped my feet into S: Yeah they’ve got phoenixes, bik- that’s crazy if you think about it . wrestling, and ended up getting really @6 PM to 10 PM ers, undead, ninja warriors, zombie ON NXT into it. With the help of fellow paper ed- How Much: TBA monsters. Its great. S: So how did you get into the larger itor and wrestling fanatic Scott Saffran, On Wrestling Storytelling world of wrestling? Why: You’ll get to try I was guided through the wonderful S: Wrestling stories don’t have to be N: Well I got to a point in LU where I world of wrestling (or sports entertain- some scrumptious inter- complex stories. It’s usually the sim- wanted to see the other stuff out there, ment depending on who you are). We national food. plest stories that work the best. Its a and from you, Reddit, a bunch of pod- decided to co-write an interview style narrative. The story line that connects casts I liked, I kept getting recommend- article in order to discuss me getting the matches. Its all about having a con- ed NXT. into wrestling, as well as what makes it What: Fall in Love with sistent narrative, and Lucha really de- S: Yeah, NXT is phenomenal and it so great, hopefully to get other people St. Jude livers in that. Many times it can get a succeeds very much in the same ways interested. The interview ran a solid 30 little all over the place, but that’s the LU does where it creates an environ- Where: McGinley Lobby minutes long, so here is the condensed nature with having so many different ment. LU has its very B movie vibe, version edited for space with the high- When: Wed. Oct. 18th threads going on, and yeah its not al- while NXT has a very true wrestling lights. We hope it gets you just as inter- @5 PM to 6:15 PM vibe where there are very outland- ested in this crazy world as us. ish characters but at the end of the How Much: FREE Introduction day it feels real and pretty retro. Scott: How did you get into wrestling? Why: Come decorate fall- N: So I started NXT with the most Nick: I was bored one day, wanted to themed treats and learn recent Takeover, and then I watched watch something and tv shows were the next four episodes immediately. more about the mission just not doing it for me, and I heard a It was just so entertaining. lot about this show Lucha Underground of St. Jude Children’s Conclusion from my favorite podcast. So I watched Research Hospital. N: I’ve never really had any inter- the first episode and then I watched est in wrestling. Never really saw it five episodes in a row. as a me thing, but I just decided to S: And you enjoyed it. What: Halloween WAC give it a chance. LU is on Netflix and N: I loved it. The first episode just Bingo really accessible, and if you have drew me in. Especially the last fight, any interest at all, I would recom- Where: Keating 1st Puma vs Mundo, after that I knew I WWE Match of the Century mend start from the first episode wanted to watch more. And then I kin- When: Sun. Oct. 22nd and just go from there and see if da kept watching, and by episode 10 I @9 PM to 10:30 PM ways stellar. But when you sit down and you enjoy it, because you would be sur- was in. hash things out before just throwing prised honestly. How Much: TBA On Lucha Underground people at each other in the ring, your S: Yeah, I’ve got a lot of weird inter- N: It just eases you in, and its just Why: It’s Bingo, but with gonna produce better stuff. ests of my own, but I don’t think enough fun enough. The problem I can see an increased level of N: With what Scott was saying, people give wrestling a shot. with mainstream wrestling is not know- there’s a great video on YouTube called N: For me its just pure fun. Some- spookyness. ing where to start. Lucha Underground Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling by Max Lan- times you just need to watch something has an episode 1, and feels like a TV dis, which kinda goes into what Scott like that. Every 10 minutes there’s an- show. Every episode introduces some- was saying. It explores Triple H and his other match or there’s another story thing new, a new wrestler, match style, story and says hey wrestling is every- line to explore. It just feels like a story story development. It makes you want thing but wrestling, and frames Triple where something is always happening to watch what’s next. H as one of the best characters in any which makes it much easier to watch S: Oh yeah its very successful in entertainment medium. and binge. building a world for itself. And from a S: Their is sometimes that those long S: Yeah if you love stories, wrestling wrestling standpoint lucha libre is very storylines really do pay off, the saga has countless, and its beautiful, its entertaining to watch, and it eases you of Triple H is incredible if you follow it probably my greatest love. in better than the slower, more techni- throughout time. The unfortunate real- cal pacing, with the more eye-catching, ity is that sometimes these things take We then proceeded to list our five fa- hi-flying style. too long or are plagued by too many vortie wrestlers N: I also love its weirdness. It feels bumps in the road that you start to lose Nick: Son of Havoc, Prince Puma, like the most accurate comic book/ sight of the larger picture at hand, but Johnny Gargano, Drago, Angélico video game to TV show adaption ever, you know sometimes the company will Scott: Kevin Owens, AJ Styles, Aleis- with how outlandish and weird it re- just fuck up in how they portray things, ter Black, Tetsuya Naito, Pentagon ally is. I saw someone liken it to Mortal october 4, 2017 the paper page 17 Rachel’s Rad Kingsman: The Golden Circle Review *SPOILERS* by Rachel Poe Kingsman franchise faces the sequel slump... Shows Opinions Co-Editor had after the death of not one, but two They also just gloss over the fact that I loved the first Kingsman movie, of his best friends and his dog! His dog! Kingsman has an extensive network. In What: Cinevents: La La like seriously I was completely blown Have you guys not seen John Wick? It’s the first movie, the female recruit that Land away. The plot, the characters, the ac- literally an entire movie based around “drowns” at the beginning of training tion scenes, the aesthetic, totally sur- Keanu Reeves’ revenge plot against was actually an accountant or some- Where: Keating 1st passed my expectations. Like do you the little punk who killed his puppy. If thing from their Berlin office. I’d much When: Mon. Oct 16th understand how big of a deal it is for someone blew up my pup… oh, would rather know about that but Pedro Pas- and Wed. Oct 18th me not to just know exactly what’s go- there be hell to pay. cal was definitely a nice consolation ing to happen in a movie? Hollywood But backtracking to the whole prin- prize. @9 PM has a tendency to foreshadow unnec- cess thing? From the outside, it’s defi- Maybe what made the second Kings- How Much: FREE essarily and ridiculously and Kingsman nitely an interesting concept. Since man so disappointing was that it was Why: Watch modern managed to surprise me. That com- much of Kingsman is based around be- missing some of the best features of piled with complex characters, an inter- ing a lowkey parody of James Bond, the the first one. While, yeah, I enjoyed filmmakers attempt to esting villain, a crazy plot, and plenty notorious playboy, it’s kinda cool to see the movie and will probably watch it recreate the golden era of kickass action scenes (the church how being an international super spy in again once I come to terms with all the of musicals. scene, am I right?) things I don’t like as made for a really en- canon, it just wasn’t joyable experience as good. Eggsy is What: Dance Showcase that set a new bar genuinely a great for Hurricane Relief for action movies. At protagonist but I felt least for me, it did. like he wasn’t even Where: McGinley Ball- You know what they the star of the mov- room say, once you get ie. It felt like an en- When: Thurs. Oct. 18th a complex, non-ro- semble movie that mantic female lead barely scratched @5:30 PM to 9 PM you never go back. the surface of the How Much: $2 So, obviously, I had characters’ depth. Why: Fordham’s dancing high hopes for its And this is prob- sequel, Kingsman: ably where you go, for a good cause! Ticket The Golden Circle. “but Rachel, it’s a revenue will be donated The trailers looked stupid action flick, it to relief funds for Hurri- awesome but alas, doesn’t do depth.” all the things I didn’t To that I say, be bet- canes Irma and Maria. want to happen, ter than a stereo- did. In addition, the typical action flick! I What: Mimes and Mum- editing was super sat through a movie choppy, the action that was 2 hours mers present: Godspell scenes were visibly and 20 minutes Where: Collins Audito- It was okay... CGI way too many long, where’s my rium times, the writing character develop- was blah, and oh my God there was a relationship would actually work out. ment?! When: Thu. Oct 12th, Fri. too much going on at once. There was I thought Eggsy calling the princess In the end, I think this movie was more Oct 13th, Sat. Oct 14th no balance whatsoever. It’s still a fun from his mark’s bathroom was a hilari- of a setup for the next installation. My @8 PM movie though, and everyone else who ous scene. I just- I just don’t like them theory is that part of the reason why I’ve talked to enjoyed the movie. I did together, okay? Sue me. Eggsy marries the princess (#barf) is How Much: TBA too, despite all that. I was just sitting And Roxy! They killed Roxy! A true because the movies are loosely follow- Why: Support the in the theater, pissed off about most of tragedy in and of itself. She was one ing the story of King Arthur. Which, duh, Mimes and Mummers’ the- uh- creative decisions. of my favorite parts of the first film. The I guess. But I don’t really know enough First thing- I hated the plot. It was all 2 minutes of screen time we got from about Arthurian mythology (yes, that’s latest performance! over the place. The subplots were ei- her was glorious but it wasn’t enough. a thing) so I can’t really give you the ther too big or not fleshed out enough She’s such a great character, it was full run down and I’ve been ranting too and they didn’t really come together in such a waste. Really the entire “elimi- long about this anyway. All my hopes for the end. Like the princess plot line was nation” of all the Kingsman agents felt the next movie rest in the slim chance stupid, okay? Because no, it does not a little too soon for this series. While I that Roxy was able to escape to a bun- make up for the ending of the first mov- get they really wanted to bring in the ker under her bed and has been hiding ie by making them happy and in love Statesmen for future movies, it felt too out, just waiting for the bat-signal from and blah, blah, blah. Eggsy didn’t need rushed. It would have been nice to stick the rest of the Kingsman so she can any more motivation than he already around in Kingsman-land a bit longer. swoop in and save the day. page 18 the paper october 4, 2017 Painting a Picture of Art’s Pricey Paradox by Hillary Bosch It’s a problem when your bank account is a blank canvas Features and Lists Co-Editor craft websites to see if there are any between $45 billion, as calculated by only 2 inches by 7 inches. If I were I’m a Pinterest addict, always look- paintings available. However, even on the Tefaf market report, and $56.6 to price this painting at minimum ing for new ways to spice up my apart- these sites it’s difficult to find a qual- billion by Art Basel. The United States wage and include the cost of mate- ment, wardrobe, or playlists. One ity piece of art under $50 or $75. art market was in slight decline, but rials, that tiny canvas would cost ap- theme that consistently comes up in While that’s cheap for the art mar- is still the main participant of the proximately $81. It’s a completely ap- my feed is how original artwork is the ket, it’s still a lot for a college student market, with 29.5% market share. propriate way to price a painting, but best way to tie together a home. As who refuses to pay more than $8 for But those are a lot of big words and $81 is ridiculous! a dabbling painter in my free time, I a hamburger. I’m not looking Artists deserve to be compensated often replicate or base my own paint- So I find my- to buy an origi- for their work, and as creative people ings off works I see on Pinterest to self in a strange nal Picasso, just they throw their passion, emotions, decorate my cozy Walsh apartment. dilemma: I want something nice and lives into each piece made by Painting, or making any form of art, is to support other for my bedroom. their hands. Visual art has an amaz- an incredibly fulfilling past time and artists and en- We all know that ing and beautiful insight into the the ultimate way to de-stress after a courage the cre- the works of fa- human experience that deserves particularly difficult week of classes. ation of art via mous artists can every praise and respect. I support If I find a new style of painting I like, my credit card, go for several this wholeheartedly, yet that doesn’t I’ll look up artists of that movement but also I simply million dollars, mean I suddenly have $50 or $75 or and attempt to recreate it on my can’t afford to but why is even $81 to spend on art when I need to own. Sometimes it looks passable, pay that much Etsy so expen- think about groceries, rent, and, I’ll but most of the time it’s a complete for something just to put on my wall. sive? be honest, my weekend 4lokos. So failure and ends up getting painted It’s difficult to say if the global art Probably because artists are peo- both the artist and I are left in a state over or turned into a test canvas. market has been growing or declin- ple too who are looking to make ends of lack—my wall remains empty, their But rather than give up on the idea ing depending on what data you use. meet by working their hardest in their art unsold, and us both wishing for a of that style decorating my home, I Last year, estimates for the global field. Just last week I spent upwards better system. look to Etsy, Red Bubble, and other value of art sold was estimated to be of 6 hours on a painting measuring Movie Is Certainly Not the mother! of All Horror Films By David Kennedy In fact, it’s not really a horror film at all Staff Critic that while also being an environmental- you could call a thirty million dollar pas- fully fleshed out, relatable characters The posters for Darren Aronofsky’s ist, biblical allegory where the relation- sion project anything if not indulgent. then you’ll really get nothing out of this. new film,Mother , feature Jennifer Law- ship between artist and subject is per- You could also call it ambitious. As So, given that this movie is not for ev- rence’s giant face turned skyward and sonified as an abusive marriage. There stated before, Aronofsky uses this film eryone, or even for most people, what superimposed over a smaller image of are certainly more ways to read it, but to touch on a wide range of subjects are its redeeming characteristics? a house. For those who wouldn’t rec- I don’t want to be here all day. Suffice with varying degrees of success. The Well, the visuals are effective at build- ognize it, this image is a homage to it to say that it’s weird, and, because of themes of religion, environmentalism, ing suspense and emphasizing the per- the poster design for the 1960s clas- how it was marketed, audiences were loss of privacy, and art are baked into spective of the protagonist in an inven- sic of satanic horror, Rosemary’s Baby, expecting a the movie’s tive way. The film’s very sharp use of which featured a similar image of Mia more straight- narrative in sound and lack of a soundtrack make Farrow’s face floating over a baby car- forward hor- a way that is the slow first half of the movie feel very riage. This comparison points to a key ror movie. impossible to intensely creepy, and the second half reason why this film’s release was such This failure ignore. This completely overwhelming. Jennifer a misfire. Namely thatMother was mar- on the stu- is the double- Lawrence’s performance adds a lot keted as a horror film when it really dio’s part to edged sword of emotional subtlety to the skeletal isn’t one. market Moth- most people script and she’s well supported by her The film certainly does take a lot of er is pretty find them- co-stars. Aronofsky is certainly no great influence from the horror genre, includ- understand- selves falling writer, but, on a visceral level, the film ing Rosemary’s Baby, but that doesn’t able. It seems on either side does a lot right. reflect what the film is at its core. To to me that the of. Because, All in all the film is a mess, but I think me, it seems more closely related to studio didn’t depending it redeems itself. Although none of the something like the Coen brothers’ Bar- know what to do with it and neither did on how you like to watch movies, this things said by the film are particularly ton Fink, or Charlie Kaufman’s Synech- the audience. I don’t think Aronofsky method of storytelling can either be new, I think it succeeds in finding new doche, New York, both of which make was at all concerned with selling this very engaging or very alienating. If you ways to say them. It’s not worth it for liberal use of surreal and symbolic sto- movie as he was making it. He’s stated like picking apart every image or line everyone to go see the film, but I think rytelling, and inspire either confused just the opposite in interviews: that he of dialogue for multiple meanings you’ll anything this effective and this inven- frustration, or cult-like enthusiasm in expected it to bomb, and that he was probably have a great time, but if you tive justifies its own existence. those who see them. Mother is all of excited by this. To that end, I don’t think expect for there to be a plot driven by october 4, 2017 the paper page 19 Michael’s Fall Museum Fiesta, Including the Guggenheim by Michael Sheridan Though only 10% of the article is about the paper’s favorite museum... Arts Co-Editor true visionary of his day, this retrospec- Neue Galerie that it will be worthwhile to see this With summer finally coming to an end, tive plans to track the changing styles show. (November 15, 2017 – February the major museums across the city are this artist came to master throughout This small museum of German and 4, 2017) preparing for a new round of special his sixty year career. (November 27, Austrian art will exhibit the show Wie- exhibitions. While the summer shows 2017 – February 25, 2018) ner Werkstätte 1903-1932: The Luxury Alternative Idea are generally crowd pleasers aimed at of Beauty. The show takes a look at Vi- attracting the greatest number of tour- The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum ennese decorative art, as the crafts- Want to experience art but not inter- ist dollars, fall and winter shows tend men of this period aimed to combine ested in shelling out $25 or dealing to be more academic, and a chance for The Guggenheim is facing major con- the ideas of functionality and moderni- with massive crowds and stuffy insti- curators and institutions to show off troversy and protest over its upcom- ty with that of luxury and beauty. Thus, tutions? Try visiting some galleries their intellectual prowess. Still, there ing show Art and China after 1989: instead of paintings and sculpture, the around the city. Galleries are different are several interesting shows coming Theater of the World. The show aims show will focus on things such as tea- from museums in that they generally up that will be interesting to people of to track art in the world’s largest coun- pots, furniture, and jewelry. (October exhibit works that have only recently all levels of art historical knowledge. try following the Tiananmen Square 26 – January 29) been created, with the intent to sell Here are a few of the exhibitions I am Massacre of 1989 to the 2008 Bei- the artworks to rich collectors. The two most excited about. jing Olympic Games, noting how art The Cooper Hewitt major gallery scenes in the city are lo- changed as the country rapidly grew cated in the Upper East Side and Chel- Special Note: As the MoMA continues into an economic powerhouse. Cover- From the historical to the modern, the sea. The galleries of the Upper East its landmark renovation and expan- age on the controversy can be found in Cooper Hewitt plans to showcase the Side are housed in stately townhouses sion, it currently has no major fall/win- the news section. While the museum future of design in the show Joris Laar- and are generally very established, and ter exhibitions planned. denies any wrongdoing, the show is man Lab: Design in the Digital Age. The feature works of recognized modern certainly making headlines and will be exhibition features futuristic pieces of masters. The Chelsea scene contains The Metropolitan Museum of Art something to look for. (October 6, 2017 furniture and other utilitarian objects the most galleries in the city and fea- – January 7, 2017) created using progressive design or tures more established galleries such The art world is abuzz with excite- new technology, such as 3D printing. as Gagosian, Luhring Augustine, and ment over three exhibitions opening The Whitney Museum A Dutch artist, Joris Laarman is recog- Pace Gallery, as well as smaller galler- at the city’s largest museum. Rodin at nized as one of Europe’s best design- ies, some of which only have a staff of the Met, which just recently opened, Also potentially controversial is the ers, and this is his first retrospective two or three members. Other groups showcases works by the famed sculp- Whitney’s exhibition Jimmie Durham: in the United States (September 27, of galleries are in Soho (although the tor. Works such as the Thinker, Cupid At the Center of the World. The show 2017 – January 15, 2018) number has drastically been reduced and Psyche, and studies for The Burg- is a retrospective of the Native Ameri- over the years), the Lower East Side, ers of Calais are all on view. The exhibi- can artist and political activist Jimmie The Met Breuer which houses some of the most con- tion coincides with the 150th birthday Durham. While Durham has long been temporary pieces in the city, and Bush- of Rodin himself. (Now – January 15, a major figure at the heart of the fight Continuing with its recent trend of wick in Brooklyn. Shows change every 2018) for greater Native American rights, no landmark, crowd pleasing exhibitions, 6 weeks or so and no gallery charges Also highly anticipated at the Met is Native American tribe recognized Dur- the Met’s satellite museum is hosting admission. It is often a memorable the show Michelangelo: Divine Drafts- ham as a member. Many Native Ameri- the show Edvard Munch: Between the experience as some artwork will be man and Designer. Described as “a cans have found this to be offensive Clock and the Bed (1940–43). The incredible and others will be totally once in a lifetime experience,” the exhi- and have voiced opposition to the show exhibition features paintings by the absurd. But it’s worth checking out if bition brings together one of the largest when it debuted at The Walker Art Cen- famed artist Edvard Munch, focusing you’re looking for a new art experience collections of drawings by the Renais- ter in Minneapolis (November 3, 2017 on the artist’s anxiety which translates that happens to be free. sance master in history. (November – January 28, 2017) into his haunting self-portraits and Whether making a pilgrimage to see 13, 2017 – February 12, 2018) other works. Despite the Munch Retro- a new exhibition or planning to simply Opening in late November, David Hock- spective at the Neue Galerie has only wander around one of the many New ney will showcase works by one of the been held a few years ago, I think the York museums, make art part of your most successful living artists today. A Met will provide a fresh enough spin fall itinerary this semester. page 20 the paper october 4, 2017

the paper’s official -political compass- where do you think you fit?

1. Opinions Editor Collen B. 5. Dean Rogers 9. FnL Editor Hillary B. 13. Arts Editor Matt W. 2.Opinions Editor Rachel P. 6. Arts Editor Michael S. 10. News Editor Nick P. 14.Editor-in-Chief Luis G. 3. Copy Editor Scott S. 7. FnL Editor Meredith M. 11. Digital Editor Michael Jack O. 15. Copy Editor Anna P. 4.Editor-in-Chief John L. 8. Father McShane 12. News Editor Declan M. 16. Earwax Editor Reyna W. october 4, 2017 the paper page 21

Hey, have you ever wanted to makers of the world, unite! nay while you still can, sweetie. I always wanted to learn how to match the success of Karl Marx’s sword fight and shoot multiple ar- Communist Manifesto but are The Dessert is Chocolate Mani- The “The Animated Beauty and rows with deadly accuracy. Prin- unsure where to get your start? festo the Beast was Better” Manifesto cess Diana is the perfect icon to Do you have a really strong belief by Staff Counselor Deanna Troi by Staff Media Purist worship. She’s pure and embod- about something and want the ies everything that’s good in the world to know? Well you’re not I have very strong feels about I think my manifesto would defi- world. Diana can do no wrong and alone. A bunch of our editors are chocolate and dessert, so it only netly be about the superiority of y’all can fight me on that. She also looking to make it big with their makes sense that my manifesto 2-d animation to live action, with works at a museum which is what own little red book too! Check out reflects this topic, as many - peo special focus on the sins that are I want to do so bow down, bishes. some of their manifesto ideas; it ple disagree with me. I believe Disney’s live action remakes of might spark the rebellious seed that dessert is chocolate. I would their classics. Listen, the live ac- The Museum Manifest in you to write your own! like to make it very clear that I do tion elites will have the anima- by Staff Art Elitist NOT believe that chocolate is al- tion peasantry believe that their The Anti-Normie Manifesto ways dessert. Chocolate can and is no value to their hard work, and I have a lot of thoughts about art By Staff Normie Annihilator should be eaten at all times of that in the end live action is su- and museums. Especially in re- the day. However, if you are eat- perior. Comrades, these snakes gards to who should be allowed Normie memes, the vile poison ing dessert, it must be chocolate. can only spit lies. Throw off the to visit them. Some might find my of humanity. The fall of man oc- Sorry strawberry shortcake. Fruit yoke of live action and open your views “elitist” or “exclusionary” curred not when Adam and Eve is not goddamn dessert. Dessert eyes to the beauty of an animated but this is my manifesto so I can ate the Forbidden Fruit, but when requires an element of chocolate, world. Don’t let the Disney bour- say whatever I want. First off, no the first normie meme was shared. or I will not eat it (as dessert). End geois take from us the hard work one under the age of 12 should These disgusting regurgitations of story. of those early animators; revolt be allowed in because scream- of content corrupt mankind and against your media masters and ing kids that are running around cast a shadow on the grand splen- The Die, Cry, Hate Manifesto invest in glorious animation. are hella annoying. I don’t trust dor of memes. Normie memes by Staff Lump of Gum on Fordham those brats around the summit spread like the Black Plague, in- Road The Amazon Manifesto of human culture. Second, only fecting the innocent and destroy- by Staff God Slayer those with at least 1 year of back- ing their meme potential. To end My manifesto (releasing October ground study of the art contained the devastation caused by normie 1st on Amazon Kindle) is a 400- Obviously I would write my mani- can enter. Do your homework! If memes, the following actions page declaration of war against festo about the fact that we should you need to read the description should take place. First, sharing people who keep “Live, Laugh, all be bowing down to our lord you’ve already failed. Third, only normie memes should be pun- Love” signs anywhere on their and savior, Diana of Themyscira, those who are planning to really ishable by lifetime imprisonment. property and home. Vengeance daughter of Hippolyta, Queen of look at the pieces should bother Second, meme makers across will be swift and painful for any- the Amazons. The Amazons are visiting. Those who want to sprint the world must band together one who looked at this decoration doing something right. They’re through the museum just to take to create an army of anti-normie in the Home Goods and said, “yes just a bunch of badass women be- selfies shouldn’t even come in. memes. Lastly, humanity must I’d love to become THAT PERSON”. ing badass, without men, hiding Basically only I should be allowed unite in an effort to delete every Sorry, there’s nothing I can do away from the harsh realities of to visit museums. normie meme in existence. Meme about it now, drink your chardon- the world. Sign me up, am I right? page 22 the paper october 4, 2017 sound, dark melodies that made him work. The show features mostly pop popular twenty years ago, and his pat- tunes, and terrifyingly catchy pop tunes ented, recognizable voice and flow. too. Any follower of the show is keenly They even sample old Three 6 Mafia aware of how catchy “Winter Wrap Up” songs in their production, causing this is. I went into this endeavor predis- weird, cyclical circlejerk between them posed towards this type of music but and the Memphis rap group. with high expectations. Lyrically, don’t expect The album can be Juicy J to stray from split into two categories: his usual subjects of music that sounds like choice, such as drugs, what you’d find in the strippers, and money. show and music that In addition, his hooks, sounds like what you’d while catchy and eas- find on the radio. In the ily memorable, can first category are songs be somewhat repeti- like “We Got This To- tive. This is exemplified gether” and “One Small Foo Fighters grain of salt though—I’m a pretty big by “Call My Lawyer,” Thing.” Let us dispel Concrete and Gold Foo Fighters fanboy. on which he raps “Johnny Cochran” any illusions: this is music targeted at By Christian Decker around eight times in the chorus. On eight-year olds. But it is good music tar- fav track: La Dee Da the other hand, hooks and verses on geted at eight-year olds. The feel-good When Dave Grohl, the lead singer songs like “What Did I Do” stand in songs are just as peppy as anything in and songwriter of Foo Fighters, first complete contrast and exemplify de- the show, but with the added force of described the sound of their new re- cent lyricism. a proper orchestra behind them, and cord, he said it was like Pink Floyd had To be honest, I was shocked about “Open Up Your Eyes” is a chilling, if a baby with Motorhead. I think this is how cohesive and solid this mix- blunt and kid-safe song about loss of the perfect statement to describe Foo tape was. However I innocence and trust. Fighter’s newest addition to their ar- shouldn’t have been As for the second cat- senal, Concrete and Gold. The album surprised, because egory, the songs there runs for about 48 minutes and has 11 Juicy J Highly Intoxicated is a are nice and could tracks. The album has an odd mix of prime example of Juicy perhaps blend in just different styles on it, including punk, a Highly Intoxicated By Connor Murray J using new sounds fine on any other pop bit of metal, and some psychedelic ele- and concepts in rap soundtrack, but they Being in the rap game since the early ments. It’s very different than some of and adapting to them, didn’t make any last- 1990’s, Juicy J has been a respected their earlier works, but the evolution of staying relevant in the ing impression. Most name in hip-hop through many phases their sound is what makes it so inter- process. As he spits on of these are covers of of the genre. The former Three 6 Mafia esting. “What Did I Do,” “The older songs, although member has consistently found ways Taylor Hawkins, the Foo Fighters players always change, but the bosses “Rainbow” by Sia and “Off to See the to stay relevant as an MC, whether it be drummer, is back on vocals for a six- stay the same.” At 42 years old, he’s World” by Lukas Graham are originals. with production for 808 Mafia or Mike minute bluesy ballad called “Sunday been a boss in the game for many These songs don’t have the same kid- WiLL Made-It, or through features for Rain.” It’s a cool and unique song that years, and there is no sign of him stop- oriented feel, although they don’t have artists such as Travis Scott, Rick Ross, really captures Taylor’s voice and the ping. anything inappropriate on the face. and others. This is no different on his musical diversity that the Foos are ca- In conclusion, those familiar new mixtape Highly Intoxicated, as it fav track: Freaky pable of. Some other notable tracks with the music of the television show contains everything you would want include “Run,” which incorporates a will notice the same feel in the tunes from a Juicy J tape: his infectious voice, lot of metal elements and Grohl’s clas- on the big screen. If you’re not a big catchy hooks, interesting flows, solid sic screaming, “The Sky is a Neighbor- fan of kid-friendly, let alone kid-orient- features (excluding a hood,” which is a weird, ed music, you probably won’t enjoy it. questionable Cardi B trippy, kind of punk But then again, why are you reading a hook), and exciting pro- song, and “La Dee Da,” review about the My Little Pony: The duction. a song with really awe- Movie soundtrack if you’re not already Juicy J raps over typi- some political under- in the market for that sort of thing? tones and a peppy and cal 808 Mafia beats fast beat. My personal and his own production Various Artists fav track: We Got This Together favorite is “The Line,” as well as the produc- My Little Pony: The Movie (Original which has an alterna- tion of hip-hop group Motion Picture Soundtrack) tive feel and honestly $uicideboy$. Clearly By Jan-Carl Resurreccion sounds freaking awe- influenced by the dark Let me preface this review by say- some with Grohl’s more sounds of Juicy J’s ing I am an avid fan of My Little Pony: melodic voice. Three 6 Mafia days, tracks produced Friendship is Magic, and this is in no Overall, I love this album. It’s a great by $uicideboy$ are where the Mem- small part to the music. Daniel Ingram comeback after their hiatus after their phis MC shines the most, as they com- composed almost all the songs from last EP. Take everything I say with a bine popular drums of today’s hip-hop the show, and the man does good october 4, 2017 the paper page 23 Macklemore The Killers Gemini Wonderful Wonderful By Luis Gomez By John Looby In between his continued career as The Killer’s new album Wonder- rap’s most milquetoast glass of water ful Wonderful has nothing objectively and writing some well-meaning-but- wrong with it, besides the fact that I cringey lyrics, Macklemore apparent- fell asleep three songs in the first time ly…stopped by a recording studio and I started listening to it because boy is kept doing exactly that. Gemini, Mackl- this album okay. Imagine if someone emore’s newest album, is also the first told you to make an album by The Kill- record he’s created without Ryan Lewis ers—this is probably what you would in almost a decade. And, the amusing throw together. It sounds like it will thing about Gemini, essentially, is that eventually be background music in there’s really not a lot to say about it. four different TV shows. When Bran- The beats are all mostly good (except don Flowers asks if all the songs have for in “How To Play The Flute”), the lyr- been written, all I can really say is that ics are also all mostly good (except for it really sounds like you guys have hit in “How To Play The Flute”), and Mack- your limit. I usually pick out stand out elmore’s flow is mostly good. Plus, songs when reviewing an album, but Macklemore manages to avoid the I honestly can’t remember any of the well-meaning-but-cringey lyrics he’s fa- songs distinctly. Nothing was bad—it’s mous for, as they only make a brief ap- just that I wasn’t really impressed by pearance on “Intentions,” a song that any aspect of the album. “The Man” I actually liked quite a lot. His guest stands out just because it was a sin- spots are also fine, from Ke$ha on gle, and I’d already heard it a bunch “Good Old Days” to an interesting per- of times. The Killers are never going to formance by Offset on “Willy Wonka.” move past “Mr. Brightside” for a lot of So, all told, it’s fine. It’s perfectly fine. people, and this album didn’t do much If you like Macklemore, then congrats— to change that fact at all if you ask me. here’s more. From the production to the lyrics, it was all just “Oh yeah, that’s a song by The fav track: Ain’t Gonna Die Tonight Killers.” That is by no means a bad thing, but honestly, at this point do we really care? fav track: The Man page 24 the paper october 4, 2017