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T H E D R A M A M A G A Z I N E F O R Y O U N G P E O P L E ar! Play8s0th ye ur rating o Celeb MARCH 2021

UPPER GRADES Incident Before Troy...... E. M. Nightingale 2 The End of the Road ...... Graham DuBois 7

DRAMATIZED CLASSICS (FOR UPPER AND MIDDLE GRADES) The Wolves of Winter (from White Fang, by Jack London) 15 Adapted by Kathy Applebee The Three Questions...... Leo Tolstoy 23 Adapted by Craig Sodaro

MIDDLE AND LOWER GRADES Are We There Yet?...... Craig Sodaro 31 Down on the Farm ...... Jerry Miller 37 Hornswoggled...... Pamela Love 42 Terms of Use • Vol. 80, No. 5

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PThe dramla maaysgazine for young people In this issue. . . Upper and Middle Grades Incident Before Troy, by E. M. Nightingale 6 actors: 3 male, 2 female, 1 male or female; 20 minutes. Two strong- willed goddesses make a deal in this parody of the Trojan War.

The End of the Road, by Graham DuBois 7 actors: 4 female, 3 male; 30 minutes. Double agent tricks the British, saving General Washington and his Continental Army at Valley Forge.

The Wolves of Winter, from White Fang, by Jack London, adapted by Kathy Applebee 10+ actors: 2 male, 8 male or female, and extras; 25 minutes. A tense, chilling chapter of White Fang comes alive in this virtual play as man, sled dog, and wolf struggle to survive in the frozen wilderness.

The Three Questions, by Leo Tolstoy, adapted by Craig Sodaro 11 actors: 3 male, 1 female, and 7 male or female; 25 minutes. The King searches for answers that will help him rule his kingdom—only to find he already knew what to do.

Middle and Lower Grades Are We There Yet?, by Craig Sodaro 7 actors: 3 female, 1 male, and 3 male or female; 15 minutes. Perfect for virtual performance: Tourists visit Earth and can’t believe what they see—all from the comfort of their spacecraft.

Down on the Farm, by Jerry Miller 14 actors: 6 male, 4 female, and 4 male or female; 15 minutes. Songs and jokes make this a fun, lively play for the whole class to perform.

Hornswoggled, by Pamela Love 7 actors: 3 male, 3 female, and 1 male or female; 20 minutes. Cons try to swindle townsfolk in the Old West, and get outsmarted themselves.

MARCH 2021 1 Upper & Middle Grades Incident Before Troy is protected by U.S. copyright law. It is unlawful to use this play in any way unless you are a current subscriber to PLAYS Magazine (www.playsmagazine.com). Incident Before Troy

Two strong-willed goddesses make a deal in this parody of the Trojan War. . . by E. M. Nightingale

Characters be wasting parchment, Agamemnon. That place is full of Colonel Blimps AGAMEMNON who still think we’re fighting the ACHILLES Pelasgians. It’s a ridiculous war, anyway. Imagine all of us coming to this INSKRIBALUS worthless country simply because Paris stole Helen, wife of Menelaus. If ATHENE you ask me, Menelaus doesn’t know HERA when he’s well off.

SOLDIER AGAMEMNON: It’s an established gov- ernmental policy to protect the property of Greek citizens from foreign encroachment. Let Paris get away with TIME: The Trojan War. stealing a wife and he’ll end up stealing all of Greece. The question now is, SETTING: Achilles’ hut before Troy, with how do we win this war? a crude table, low stool and bench at center, and a high stool at right. ACHILLES: Well, to begin with, the esprit de corps is poor. Our men need AT RISE: ACHILLES and AGAMEM- an inspiring leader. NON enter left. AGAMEMNON (Rising): Are you insin- AGAMEMNON (Crossing to sit on uating I’m not that? bench): I can’t understand it, Achilles. I’ve been following the field manual to ACHILLES (Diplomatically): Oh, you the letter and all those Trojans do is were fine in your day, but the empha- lick the hide off us. I think I’ll send a sis now is on youth. complaint to the military academy. AGAMEMNON (Beginning to pace): ACHILLES (Sitting on low stool): You’d

2 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Bah, I can lick any whippersnapper in INSKRIBALUS: True or not, I still need this army! certain background material for my readers. Is it a fact that your forces ACHILLES: There’s a crying need for under General Ajax were severely new blood around here, (Shrugging) mauled last week and forced to retreat and I could make myself available. to the ships? (Smugly) I’ve always been considered the inspirational type. AGAMEMNON: Absolutely not! That was merely a tactical readjustment of AGAMEMNON: Then go peddle your the line. charms in the market place! I yield to no man! ACHILLES: An advance to the rear, so to speak. ACHILLES: How about a woman? INSKRIBALUS (Beginning to write): But AGAMEMNON: The gods forbid! I’m told that everyone in Mycenae Women cause enough trouble without believes the combat effectiveness of our invading the battlefield. men is poor.

ACHILLES: True, but last night I had a AGAMEMNON: That’s subversive prop- premonition in my dreams. I kept see- aganda, the work of enemy agents. ing Amazons. (Drawing himself up) There’s no finer fighting man in the world than the AGAMEMNON: That’s no premonition! Greek soldier! Sounds more like a nightmare. (SOL- DIER enters left.) ACHILLES (Enthusiastically): Amen!

SOLDIER (To AGAMEMNON): Excuse INSKRIBALUS (Crossing to sit on high me, Your Majesty, but there’s one of stool): And to what do you attribute his those reporters outside. He’d like an outstanding qualities? interview. AGAMEMNON: Proper indoctrination, AGAMEMNON: Another snooper, but I superior training methods, and the guess we’ll have to see him. The armed finest arsenal of weapons of any mod- forces must maintain good public rela- ern nation. tions. INSKRIBALUS: I thereby gather that ACHILLES (Dryly): And keep our image morale is excellent. Why is that? bright. (SOLDIER exits. INSKRIB- ALUS enters left. He has long beard AGAMEMNON: Because our men know and carries writing tablet and stylus.) exactly what they’re fighting for.

INSKRIBALUS: I am Inskribalus. I’ve INSKRIBALUS: Which is? been commissioned by the Ionian Chamber of Commerce to write a series AGAMEMNON (Hesitantly): Why, it’s of articles on the progress of military for—I mean—they know we’ve—uh, operations in the theater. that’s a military secret.

AGAMEMNON: Then you can go right INSKRIBALUS: Most interesting. Now home, since there’s been no progress! I’d appreciate a list of your weapons.

MARCH 2021 3 AGAMEMNON: Well, there are throwing wearing her hair differently. spears, and—uh—long spears, and short swords, and well, let’s see, there’s— ATHENE (Appreciatively): You’re a per- (Quickly) That question must first be ceptive young man. cleared by the Chief of Ordinance. AGAMEMNON (Annoyed): Why—uh— INSKRIBALUS: I understand, but I this is an unexpected pleasure, your believe I’ve sufficient information for goddessness. We—uh—oh, yes. (Leads my first dispatch, anyway. (Eagerly) her to INSKRIBALUS) I’d like you to You know, I think someone should meet Inskribalus. write a history of this war in verse. INSKRIBALUS: Wait till my readers ACHILLES (Doubtfully): It wouldn’t sell. hear about this!

AGAMEMNON: Who reads verse, any- AGAMEMNON (Dryly): He’s a reporter. way? ATHENE: Oh, how nice. (Puts helmet on INSKRIBALUS (Deflated): I imagine her head and shakes his hand) Did you you’re right. (Sighs) The more I think get my name right? And the address is of my present occupation with its inad- Mt. Olympus. Zeus is my father. equate expense account, the more I Maybe you’ve heard of him. I don’t wish I’d remained publicity director for have a mother. One day I simply the Festival of Apollo. popped out of Daddy’s head.

SOLDIER (Entering left, bowing): ACHILLES: May I ask why we’re hon- There’s a lady to see you, sir. ored with your presence?

ACHILLES: Ah! Is she attractive? ATHENE (Moving center; striking a pose): I’ve come to lead your men to victory. SOLDIER (Tentatively): Er—in a formi- dable sort of way, yes. AGAMEMNON: By Pan’s pipes, the war’s as good as won! (INSKRIBALUS AGAMEMNON: We seem to be picking resumes writing.) up the characters today. Show her in. (SOLDIER exits. After a moment, ACHILLES: Not so fast. (To ATHENE) ATHENE enters left, holding helmet Would I be correct in assuming that under her right arm and a spear in her your assistance is going to cost us? left hand.) ATHENE (Shrugging): It doesn’t ATHENE: Greetings, Greeks. I bring amount to much. glad tidings. I am the Goddess Athene. AGAMEMNON (Amiably): Well, as long INSKRIBALUS (Excited): This will make as it’s. . . good copy! ACHILLES (Interrupting): Let me han- AGAMEMNON (Suspiciously): You dle this. You’re a rotten negotiator. (To don’t look like the statue in the Temple ATHENE) Well? of Athene at home. ATHENE: The sacrifice of a mere one ACHILLES: Of course she doesn’t. She’s hundred bulls.

4 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com AGAMEMNON: A hundred bulls? We’re ATHENE (Smugly): I thought you’d see not running a cattle ranch. it my way. (To INSKRIBALUS) I hope you have that all down. And arrange a ACHILLES: Forty-five. general distribution of the news around Olympus. They said a single ATHENE: Ninety! woman couldn’t get along in the world and now they’ll be so jealous! ACHILLES: Fifty-five! SOLDIER (Entering and bowing): ATHENE: Eighty! And that’s my final Another—ah—lady, Your Majesty. She figure. insists on seeing you at once.

ACHILLES: As you say. (Aside) You’ll AGAMEMNON: Tell her I’m busy. get the scrawny ones. (HERA strides in, dressed as a warrior.)

AGAMEMNON (Throwing up his HERA: Nobody’s too busy to see me! (To hands): There goes our barbecue! ATHENE) Aha, so there you are, you young snippet! What do you mean by ATHENE (Smoothly): Of course, I’m not traipsing around down here? I explicitly quite through. told you to keep the home fires burning.

AGAMEMNON (Surprised): You mean ATHENE (Casually): I’m a big girl now. there’s more? Besides, I’ve just concluded a very sat- isfactory business deal with these gen- ACHILLES (Sagely): I guessed as much. tlemen to help them take Troy. Out with it. HERA: Business deal? Why, you don’t ATHENE: The sacrifice of fifty lambs know gold from oats! with a thousand libations of wine. ACHILLES: Madam, what is the mean- AGAMEMNON: But we’re not vintners! ing of this inexcusable invasion of our privacy? ACHILLES: How about two thousand libations of sparkling mineral water HERA: Don’t you sass me, boy! You’re instead? speaking to the Goddess Hera, supreme among female deities. (ACHILLES and ATHENE: Ugh, I can’t stand the stuff! AGAMEMNON quake in terror. SOL- And I must remind you that it’s very DIER scuttles out fearfully.) bad form to bargain with a deity. You heard my offer. You may take it or INSKRIBALUS: This is going to call for a leave it. special edition! (Gets off stool and extends tablet and stylus) May I have ACHILLES (Looking at AGAMEMNON, your autograph, please? who shrugs helplessly): You win, but it’s extortion. HERA: Silence! (INSKRIBALUS quickly sits, writes. To ATHENE) Now, let’s AGAMEMNON (Throwing hands up have it. What sort of fast deal have again): There goes our Saturday night these Greeks pulled? party! ATHENE: I held all the cards. (As she

MARCH 2021 5 speaks, HERA smiles broadly.) They’re poor. It would be too great a strain on sacrificing to me eighty bulls, fifty the exchequer. We’d have to float lambs, plus a thousand libations of another bond issue. wine. (ACHILLES sits with a sigh.) ACHILLES: And at higher interest. HERA: Well, well, not bad for a beginner. Anyway, we only contracted to appease You’ll make a good goddess yet. (Pause, one goddess. then slyly) But I ought to get a piece of the action. Say about fifty percent? HERA: You can forget about that. As of right now, this is a package deal. You ATHENE (Outraged): Absolutely not! I either take it or lose the war. was here first, and it’s all mine! AGAMEMNON (To ACHILLES): How HERA: Don’t argue with your elders! can we ever explain this to our con- stituents? ATHENE: I refuse to pay protection! HERA: You accept? (They nod dumbly.) HERA: Let me remind you, young god- This has been most enjoyable. Tomor- dess, that the last Biennial Congress of row we’ll join you on the field of battle, Deities allocated this territory to me. and victory shall be ours. (She and You’ve been poaching! ATHENE raise their lances.) Onward!

AGAMEMNON: Ladies, please, we’ve ATHENE: And upward! (They lower enough fighting during working hours. lances and exit left, in step.) Can’t an amicable solution be reached? INSKRIBALUS: Such fascinating crea- HERA (To AGAMEMNON): You just tures! keep out—(Stops; then, cordially) Yes, I do believe we can reach one. ACHILLES: They’re irresistible. First Helen, now those two. We’re sure to AGAMEMNON (Suddenly worried): We? win the battle against the Trojans tomorrow, but we’ve already lost our HERA: Uh-huh, I’ll help you, too, and war with the women. (AGAMEMNON you’ll make an equal sacrifice to me. and INSKRIBALUS nod in agreement, and all look off left, as curtains close.) AGAMEMNON (Pleading): Madam, we THE END are only simple soldiers, proud but

PRODUCTION NOTES Incident Before Troy CHARACTERS: 2 female; 3 male; male or tablet and stylus for Inskribalus. female for Soldier. Spears and helmets for Athene and PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes. Hera. COSTUMES: All wear white togas and SETTING: Achilles’ hut. A crude table, sandals. Agamemnon and Achilles low stool and bench stand center, and a wear laurel wreaths on their heads. high stool, right. Inskribalus has long beard. LIGHTING and SOUND: No special PROPERTIES: Short swords for effects. Agamemnon and Achilles. Writing

6 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com The End of the Road is protected by U.S. copy- Upper Grades right law. It is unlawful to use this play in any way unless you are a current subscriber to PLAYS Magazine (www.playsmagazine.com).

The End of the Road Young double agent tricks the British and saves General Washington and his army at Valley Forge. by Graham DuBois

Characters cloak and shawl. She looks around cautiously, then places candle on MRS. ANN BARR table, extinguishes it, and exits through door right. After a moment AUNT SUSAN, her sister MRS. BARR enters left, with lighted candle. EDITH, 19, her daughter TOM, 17, her son MRS. BARR (To herself): I could have sworn I heard something coming HESTER, 17, her foster daughter from this room. (EDITH enters left, rubbing eyes sleepily.) MR. JAMES BARR, her husband EDITH (Whispering): Is something the COLONEL HART, officer in the matter, Mother? Continental Army MRS. BARR: I heard footsteps on the stairs. I’m sure somebody was moving TIME: Winter, 1778. about in here. (Sits at table)

SETTING: Living room of a small farm- EDITH: Maybe you were dreaming house near Valley Forge. Fireplace is again, Mother. Ever since Father has in left wall center. Down center stands been out at Valley Forge, you keep large table with several chairs placed expecting him to come home. (Joins around it. Armchair is right of fire- her at table) place. Door left of fireplace leads to rest of house. Door at right leads outside; MRS. BARR: No, Edith, this room is on one side of it is rack with overcoat not as we left it last night. (Points to and cap; on the other side is a window. candle) I found this candle on the table. It was not there when we went AT RISE: Stage is dark. Door left opens to bed. And I believe I heard the front slowly and HESTER enters, carrying door close. (EDITH goes to door right, lighted candle. She is dressed in long opens it, looks out.)

MARCH 2021 7 EDITH (Turning in surprise to MRS. AUNT SUSAN: Oh, she hasn’t left you, BARR): You’re right, Mother! There Ann. Never fear! It’s not so easy to get are fresh footprints in the snow. free room and board, with two armies (Closes door; sits again) But who could nearby seizing everything they can lay it have been? their hands on. (Wagging her finger) I always told you what a soft-hearted MRS. BARR: I’m afraid it might have fool you were to take her in. You ought been Hester. She’s been so nervous to know what she is by this time. and restless of late. MRS. BARR (Indignantly): I do know. EDITH (Raising her voice): But that She’s a dear, sweet girl who has been hardly accounts for her going out into as much a daughter to me as one of my a raging storm. own. If she’s out on a night like this, there’s some reason for it. MRS. BARR: Shh! You’ll wake Aunt Susan. She must not know anything AUNT SUSAN: There must be a mighty about this. good reason for it—every time she goes. This isn’t the first time she’s EDITH (Whispering): Aunt Susan is so sneaked out at night. unfair to Hester. MRS. BARR: What makes you think so? MRS. BARR: She doesn’t mean to be. (AUNT SUSAN enters.) AUNT SUSAN: I’ve seen her. The first time was about two weeks ago. I heard AUNT SUSAN (Snippily): I thought I’d the steps creaking, and when I looked find you down here. You are wonder- out my door, there she was, creeping ing about Hester, I suppose. Well, I downstairs. can tell you something about her— she’s gone. (Sits at table) EDITH (Shrugging): Maybe she wanted a drink of water. MRS. BARR (Alarmed): Gone? AUNT SUSAN: Don’t be silly! I heard EDITH: Where? the front door open and close. And then last week—Monday, I think it AUNT SUSAN: To her British friends, I was—I was looking out my window suppose. She kept me awake half the and saw her running down the path. night. I don’t believe she ever went to bed. EDITH (Worriedly): Where do you suppose she was going? MRS. BARR: How do you know? AUNT SUSAN: How do I know? But I AUNT SUSAN: I heard her pacing the have a pretty good idea. (Rises) And floor. And only a little while ago, when I’m going to find out. (Exits left) the stairs creaked, I went to her door. It was ajar and I peeped in; the room EDITH: What does she mean, Mother? was empty. MRS. BARR: I don’t know, but I’m not MRS. BARR: But she wouldn’t leave worried about that. I’m worried about without saying goodbye! Hester. (TOM enters.)

8 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com TOM: What’s all this commotion in the nearly ten years—ever since she was a middle of the night? child of eight.

EDITH: Hester’s gone. AUNT SUSAN: It’s in her blood, I suppose. Don’t forget, her parents were TOM (Amazed): Gone? On a night like English. this, with a blizzard raging? Where did she go? MRS. BARR: It’s true they were born in England, but they lived here several MRS. BARR: Nobody knows. (TOM goes years, and they loved this country. to rack and takes down coat and cap.) EDITH (Holding up journal, excitedly): EDITH: Where are you going? This is a code—the key to a code! (Lays journal beside paper on table TOM (Pulling on overcoat): I’m going to and scrutinizes first one and then the find her. (Exits. AUNT SUSAN enters, other) carrying journal and sheet of paper.) AUNT SUSAN: I might have known. AUNT SUSAN: This is all I could find, but it looks suspicious to me. MRS. BARR: You speak as if there was something sinful about that. Many MRS. BARR: You haven’t been going children make out codes and play with through Hester’s things, have you? them.

AUNT SUSAN (In self-righteous tone): I AUNT SUSAN: Ann, you’re too inno- certainly have. I considered it my cent! Hester is not a child. patriotic duty. (Opens journal) But I can’t make head nor tail out of it. It MRS. BARR: I just can’t believe that says, (Reading) “Cabbages equal men. Hester has done anything wrong. Turnips equal guns.” (Turning pages) There’s page after page of that kind of AUNT SUSAN: Maybe she doesn’t thing. believe it’s wrong.

EDITH: May I see it, please? (AUNT MRS. BARR: Not wrong—to betray her SUSAN hands her journal and paper, country? which EDITH examines closely.) AUNT SUSAN: Well, it’s a question of MRS. BARR: Just what do you suspect, which she thinks is her country— Susan? England or the colonies. Plenty of people who live right here in Pennsyl- AUNT SUSAN: It’s gone beyond suspi- vania are loyal to the crown. cion. I’m dead sure now. MRS. BARR: But I have taught Hester MRS. BARR: Sure of what? to think of these colonies as her nation. AUNT SUSAN (Fiercely): That Hester is a British spy! EDITH (Holding up paper): I think I can read this now. It seems to be a let- MRS. BARR (Incredulous): That’s ter. ridiculous! Why, she’s been with us for

MARCH 2021 9 MRS. BARR: A letter? To whom? hanging them on rack): I followed Hester’s footprints to the barn. She EDITH: To Hester. took Captain, Mother. His hoof prints go right down the road to AUNT SUSAN: Who wrote it? Philadelphia.

EDITH (Hesitantly): I—oh, I hate to tell AUNT SUSAN: I told you! (To MRS. you this, Mother. It’s from a British BARR) Now you can understand that soldier. letter.

AUNT SUSAN: What does he say? TOM: What letter?

EDITH: First, he says that General EDITH: Aunt Susan found a letter from Howe thanks her for her loyalty to the a British soldier in Hester’s room. It British cause. asked information about our army at Valley Forge. MRS. BARR (Stunned): To the British cause? TOM (Astonished): I can’t believe it! Do you think she has gone to tell the AUNT SUSAN (To MRS. BARR): What British? did I tell you? (To EDITH) Go on, Edith. AUNT SUSAN: Of course. Why else do you suppose she went down the EDITH: Then he says, (Reading) “Let Philadelphia road? us know the number of men at Valley Forge, how they are equipped, and TOM (Upset): The enemy will attack if other particulars.” they know how few men General Washington has. AUNT SUSAN (To MRS. BARR): I hope you’re convinced. EDITH (Alarmed): What can we do? Isn’t there some way of getting to MRS. BARR: No, I’ll not be convinced Valley Forge to warn him? until I’ve talked with Hester. AUNT SUSAN: Don’t be silly, Edith. AUNT SUSAN: What more proof do you The snow is almost two feet deep, and want? Where do you suppose she is Valley Forge is a good five miles away. now? Nobody could walk in this storm. And with Captain gone, there’s no way to MRS. BARR: I don’t know—and you ride. don’t, either. TOM (Rising): I can walk. (Getting his AUNT SUSAN: I can make a pretty coat) I’m going to Valley Forge. good guess. I shouldn’t be too surprised if she’s having breakfast with MRS. BARR (Rising): You’ll do no such General Howe. (TOM reenters, stamp- thing, Tom. You’d lose your way in ing snow from his feet.) this storm.

EDITH: Did you have any luck, Tom? TOM: I have to try, Mother. The fate of an army—the fate of the colonies— TOM (Removing coat and cap and may be at stake. General Washing-

10 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ton’s ragged, hungry men are no MR. BARR (Stamping feet): Yes—and match for the British soldiers, warmly what a night it is! dressed and well fed. AUNT SUSAN: Take those wet things MRS. BARR: But what will happen to off, James. Hester if you tell the General? Suppose she is innocent? MR. BARR: I’m afraid I’m not staying, Susan. I have to leave in a few min- TOM: If she is innocent, General utes. Washington will give her a chance to prove it. MRS. BARR (Disappointed): I thought maybe you’d have a few days leave. MRS. BARR (Upset): And if she is a (MR. BARR sits near fireplace. Others traitor? sit around table.)

TOM (Shakily): You know the penalty, MR. BARR: There’s not much chance of Mother. It—it is death. anybody getting leave right now. There’s too much desertion and sick- MRS. BARR (Tearfully): But, Tom! I ness. (Looks around) Why are you all have brought her up as one of my own. up at this hour? And where’s Hester? You have loved her as a sister. MRS. BARR (Nervously): She’s not here TOM (Resolute): But in times like right now. these, our country must come first. Washington is sacrificing everything MR. BARR (Alarmed): But she’s the to hold that wretched army together. reason I came. I must speak with her. And don’t forget that Father is among them. MRS. BARR: James, what’s the matter?

MRS. BARR (Sadly): I can never forget MR. BARR (Upset): I hardly know how that. It is one of the reasons I can’t to tell you, Ann, but the truth is that believe Hester is a traitor; she is so one of our men saw her talking to a devoted to your father. British soldier a few days ago, near Ritter’s farm on the Philadelphia TOM (Cupping his ear): Wait a minute! road. My commanding officer sent me I think I hear someone. home to investigate.

AUNT SUSAN: Maybe it’s Hester. AUNT SUSAN: That must be why she was gone so long on Monday when she EDITH (Jumping up and going to win- was supposed to be gathering eggs. dow): No, it’s not Hester. It’s a man. Why, I think it’s Father. . .It is Father! MRS. BARR: Is it serious, James? (They rush to door as MR. BARR enters.) MR. BARR (Nodding): Very serious, I’m afraid. We believe that informa- MRS. BARR (Embracing him): James, tion has been getting to the enemy, I’m so glad to see you! and they’re planning to attack. If they do, we are lost. EDITH (Hugging him): Father! Did you come from Valley Forge? MRS. BARR (Hopefully): Have you

MARCH 2021 11 come to warn her? tant the cause is. Why, the last time I was home I remember telling her that MR. BARR (Firmly): I have come to see the soldiers are getting through this that no more information gets to the terrible winter on faith alone. I told British. her how General Washington has begged Congress for money, how he AUNT SUSAN: You’re too late, James. has pleaded with the governors of the Hester sneaked out twenty minutes colonies for men, and has received ago. almost nothing. We had ten thousand men when we first began to fight; we MR. BARR: Have you any idea where have barely six thousand now. she is? (Suddenly) Why, I—

TOM: She went down the Philadelphia MRS. BARR: What is it? road. And Aunt Susan found a letter from the British asking about the MR. BARR (Rising): I see it all now. army at Valley Forge. Hester got her information about our army through me. I talked about our MR. BARR (Jumping to his feet): I have troops, but I didn’t know there was a to go back to camp to see General spy in our household. (Heading for Washington. (Turning to TOM) Tom, door) I have to go back. The British ride down the Philadelphia road and may attack at any moment. overtake Hester. She can’t be far away on a night like this. Saddle Captain as COLONEL HART (Calling from off- fast as you can. stage): Hello, there! (TOM goes to window and looks out.) Hello! TOM: That’s the trouble, Father! Hester took Captain! TOM: It’s a man on horseback—an American soldier; he’s leading another MR. BARR (Sinking back in chair): horse—Captain! And he’s holding Then she may be near Philadelphia by somebody before him on his horse. this time, unless—unless our scouts Why, it’s Hester! capture her. We’ve been watching that road pretty carefully. AUNT SUSAN: They’ve caught her! (TOM opens door.) MRS. BARR: But what if she comes back home? (Desperately) We could HART (Calling offstage): I need some make her promise not to do anything help here. (MR. BARR and TOM exit. like this again. Still offstage) Take her inside. I’ll put your horse in the stable. (MR. BARR MR. BARR (With regret): If she gets and TOM enter, supporting HESTER, back, we must turn her over to who is exhausted.) General Washington. She has betrayed our cause. MRS. BARR: Put her here by the fire. (They seat HESTER in chair by fire. MRS. BARR: That would be cruel, She rests head against chair, closes James. She is too young to understand eyes. MRS. BARR kneels beside her what she’s done. and rubs her hands.) Warm yourself, dear, then I’ll put you to bed. MR. BARR: Ann, she knows how impor-

12 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com AUNT SUSAN: Don’t be a simpleton, one of their young officers to make her Ann. Do you think they’ll let a spy go acquaintance and get all the informa- to bed here? tion he could. You see, they had dis- covered that Mr. Barr was serving in MRS. BARR: Don’t say that, Susan. the Continental Army and that the girl could learn much through him. HESTER (Weakly): You might—as well And so she and the young man had know. I—I am a spy. many a rendezvous a few miles down the road. A very important meeting EDITH: Oh, Hester, why did you do it? took place between them tonight. The officer was to find out the size and the HESTER: I—I wanted. . . equipment of the Continental Army.

MRS. BARR: Never mind, dear. Don’t MRS. BARR: And did he keep the talk now. appointment?

HESTER: Colonel Hart, the man who HART: Yes, but when I arrived, he had came with me—(COLONEL HART gone. I found Hester lying in the snow. enters.) MR. BARR: Let me assure you, Colonel, HART (To MRS. BARR): I’m Colonel we knew nothing of all this. If we had Hart of the Continental Army, ma’am. known, there is nothing we wouldn’t I represent George Washington. have done to prevent it.

MRS. BARR: Please sit down, Colonel. HART: In that case, you would have been doing a grave injustice to our HART (Taking chair at table): Thank cause. you. I suppose you didn’t know there was a spy among you, did you? MR. BARR (Puzzled): I don’t understand. AUNT SUSAN (Terrified): No! We are innocent, I tell you. We knew nothing HART: Hester has given the British a about it. great deal of misinformation. When she met the young officer tonight, she HART (To MRS. BARR): Your daugh- described our army as magnificently ter has been making appointments equipped. She multiplied our numbers with a British soldier right under your by ten; she told him troops had been noses. pouring in all winter from New York and New England. By this time he is AUNT SUSAN (Eagerly): Hester is not probably breaking the news to my sister’s daughter, Colonel. She is General Howe. the daughter of a friend who died many years ago. My sister took the TOM: And that means there will be no girl in, against my advice, I must say, attack. for the girl’s parents had come to this country from England and had been HART: Yes, our army is safe. This here only a few years before they died. young lady has done noble service for the colonial cause, at great risk to her- HART: We know all that. And so do the self. British. That is why they appointed

MARCH 2021 13 MR. BARR (Pleased): She worked for me to say that not only have you saved our side, then? his army; you may have made possible the birth of a new nation. (To others) HART (Nodding): From the very first, You see, the General has always she has been in constant contact with believed that if he could hold his army General Washington. He mapped her together this winter, he could see the course of action and pledged her to end of the bitter road he has had to secrecy. travel, and he would have the courage to go on. That road will still be long MRS. BARR (Pressing HESTER’s and hard, but at the end is victory. hand): I’m so proud of you, dear. (Pats HESTER’s shoulder, moves to door) And now I must say good night. AUNT SUSAN (Crossing to HES- TER): Hester, I’m so ashamed. I’m MR. BARR: I’ll go with you, Colonel. sorry I doubted you. (He crosses to HESTER’s chair, kisses her on cheek.) Hester, I can’t tell you HESTER (Weakly): That’s all right, how proud I am to have a daughter Aunt Susan. Your imagination got the who would risk her life for our cause. better of you, that’s all. (HESTER smiles. MR. BARR goes to door and adjusts his cloak.) MR. BARR (Contritely): We’re all sorry, Hester. We should have had more MRS. BARR (Crossing to door): Are you faith in you. (Others murmur agree- heading back to Valley Forge, James? ment.) MR. BARR: Yes, Ann. Back to General HART (Rising and going to HESTER): Washington—and victory! (Curtain) General Washington has asked me to THE END express his deep gratitude. He wants

PRODUCTION NOTES The End of the Road

CHARACTERS: 4 female, 3 male. large chair is to the right of fireplace. PLAYING TIME: 30 minutes. To the left of fireplace, a door leads to COSTUMES: Everyday Colonial dress. rest of house; door right leads outside. PROPERTIES: Two candlesticks with On one side of door right is a window, candles, a journal, a sheet of paper. on the other side is a rack on which SETTING: Living room of a small farm- hangs a man’s overcoat and cap. house, simply furnished, with fire- LIGHTING and SOUND: No special place in center of left wall. Down cen- effects. ter stands large table with chairs. A

14 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com This adaptation of The Wolves of Winter is Virtual Play protected by U.S. copyright law. It is Dramatized Classic unlawful to use this play in any way unless (Upper Grades) you are a current subscriber to PLAYS Magazine (www.playsmagazine.com).

The Wolves of Winter

A tense, chilling scene from White Fang comes alive as man, sled dog, and wolf struggle to survive in the frozen wilderness. . . . by Jack London, and adapted by Kathy Applebee

Characters them we see the snow-covered North. Before BILL is a small fire. HENRY is NARRATORS A & B sitting on a coffin-sized box with a BILL loaded dog sled, covered by a tarp, behind him. Wolves howling in the HENRY background are heard. RESCUER 1 NARRATOR A: It was the Wild, the sav- 5 OTHER RESCUERS, extras age, frozen-hearted Northland Wild WOLVES that Henry and Bill traveled in. extras DOGS NARRATOR B: Down the frozen water- way toiled a string of wolfish dogs. Their bristly fur was rimed with frost. SCENE 1: The Trail of the Meat TIME: 1899. NARRATOR A: Their breath froze in the air as it left their mouths. SETTING: Alaska during the Klondike Gold Rush. NARRATOR B: Leather traces had attached them to a sled carrying a long AT RISE: Four Zoom or other video con- and narrow oblong box. ferencing platform boxes are open. NARRATORS are seen in two of the NARRATOR A: There were other things boxes; each holds a large copy of White on the sled, as well—blankets, an axe, Fang. BILL and HENRY appear in two and a coffee-pot and frying-pan. other boxes, sipping coffee. Behind

MARCH 2021 15 NARRATOR B: And in the box lay a third counts the dogs): There’s only six now. man whose toil was over—a man whom the Wild had conquered and beaten BILL: I saw the other one run off across down until he would never move or the snow. I looked in the snow an’ saw struggle again. its tracks. Then I counted the dogs an’ there was still six of ‘em. The tracks is NARRATOR A: But escorting the dead there in the snow now. D’ye want to man, unawed and indomitable, toiled look at ’em? (Starts to stand) I’ll show the two men who were not yet dead. ’m to you. (Wolves howl; increasing in volume. NARRATORS’ screens go off.) HENRY: No. Stay here. You’re thinkin’ as it was. . .one of them wolves? HENRY: They’re after us, Bill. BILL: I’d a blame sight sooner think that BILL: Meat is scarce. I ain’t seen a rab- than anything else. You noticed your- bit sign for days. Seems to me, Henry, self the row the dogs made. them wolves is stayin’ remarkable close to our camp. Did you happen to notice HENRY: I’m thinkin’ you’re down in the the way them dogs kicked up when I mouth some. was a-feedin’ ’em? BILL: You an’ me, Henry, when we die, HENRY: They did cut up more’n usual. we’ll be lucky if we get enough stones over our carcasses to keep the dogs off BILL: How many dogs’ve we got, Henry? of us. What gets me, Henry, is what a chap like this, (Points to coffin) that’s a HENRY: Six. lord or something in his own country, and that’s never had to bother about BILL: Well, Henry . . .(BILL stops for a grub nor blankets, why he comes a- moment, in order that his words might buttin’ round the godforsaken ends of gain greater significance.) As I was the earth. That’s what I can’t exactly sayin’, Henry, we’ve got six dogs. I took see. six fish out of the bag. I gave one fish to each dog, an’, Henry, I was one fish HENRY: He might have lived to a ripe short. old age if he’d stayed to home.

HENRY: You counted wrong. BILL: Henry, it’s a blame misfortune to be out of ammunition. BILL: We’ve got six dogs. I took out six fish. One Ear didn’t get no fish. I come HENRY (Pulling a blanket around him- back to the bag afterward an’ got ’m his self and settling in to sleep, leaning fish. against the coffin): How many cartridges did you say you had left? HENRY (Stubborn, confused): We’ve only got six dogs. BILL: Three; an’ I wisht ’twas three hundred. Then I’d show ’em what for. BILL: Henry, I won’t say they was all (Getting blanket, settling to sleep) An’ I dogs, but there was seven of ’m that got wisht this cold snap’d break. It’s been fish. fifty below for two weeks now. An’ I wisht I’d never started on this trip, HENRY (Looking offscreen to point as he Henry. I don’t like the looks of it. It

16 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com don’t feel right, somehow. An’ while I’m HENRY: No chance at all. They jes’ swal- wishin’, I wisht the trip was over an’ lowed ’em alive. I bet he was yelpin’ as done with, an’ you an’ me a-sittin’ by he went down their throats. the fire in Fort McGurry just about now an’ playin’ cribbage—that’s what I BILL: He always was a fool dog. wisht. HENRY: But no fool dog ought to be fool HENRY: Huh. enough to go off an’ commit suicide that way. I bet none of the others would do BILL: Say, Henry, that other one that it. come in an’ got a fish—why didn’t the dogs pitch into it? That’s what’s both- BILL: Couldn’t drive ’em away from the erin’ me. ﬁre with a club. I always did think there was somethin’ wrong with Fatty, HENRY: You jes’ shut up now, an’ go to anyway. (All screens go out.) sleep, an’ you’ll be all hunkydory in the * * * mornin’. Your stomach’s sour, that’s SCENE 2 — The She-Wolf what’s botherin’ you. (Lights down, dim AT RISE: Howling and snarling are blue light up on HENRY and BILL; heard off screen. HENRY’s screen NARRATORS’ screens open and spot- opens; he is crouched over the fire stir- light comes up on them.) ring supper in the frying pan. There are two cups by fire. BILL’s screen opens; NARRATOR A: The men slept, breathing he is looking back over his shoulder. heavily. The fire died down, and the Wolves howl in the distance. Dogs gleaming eyes drew closer to the circle whine softly. they had ﬂung about the camp. (Five new screens open, showing only pairs of HENRY: Darkness coming on. Hear red wolf eyes. Sound of dogs whining them hunting-cries to right and left and softly is heard.) rear drawing closer. It’s throwing the dogs into short-lived panics. NARRATOR B: The dogs clustered together in fear, now and again snarling BILL (Edgy): I wisht those wolves would menacingly as a pair of eyes drew close. strike game somewheres, an’ go away (Sound of dogs snarling is heard.) an’ leave us alone.

NARRATOR A: In the morning, Bill HENRY: They do get on the nerves hor- rolled the blankets and made the sled rible. ready for lashing. BILL (Whacking his palm with a club): BILL (Concerned, looking offscreen and The wolf got half of the fish but I got a pointing to count): Say, Henry, we got whack at it jes’ the same. D’ye hear it five; one’s gone. squeal?

HENRY (Looking offscreen): You’re HENRY: What’d it look like? right, Bill. Fatty’s gone. BILL: Couldn’t see. But it had four legs BILL: An’ he went like greased lightnin’ an’ a mouth an’ hair an’ looked like any once he got started. Couldn’t have seen dog. ’m for smoke. HENRY: Must be a tame wolf, I reckon.

MARCH 2021 17 BILL: It’s real tame, whatever it is, ken, save by the cries of their pursuers, comin’ in here at feedin’ time an’ gettin’ that, unseen, hung upon their rear. its whack of fish. I wisht they’d spring up a bunch of moose or somethin’, an’ NARRATOR B: With the coming of night go away an’ leave us alone. in the mid-afternoon, the cries sounded closer (More howls) as the pursuers HENRY (Reluctant to acknowledge the drew in according to their custom; trouble they are in): Shut up your (HENRY starts fire.) and the dogs grew wishin’ an’ your croakin’. Your stom- excited and frightened, and were guilty ach’s sour. That’s what’s ailin’ you. of panics that tangled the traces and Swallow a spoonful of sody, an’ you’ll further depressed the two men. (Dogs sweeten up wonderful an’ be more whine and snarl. NARRATORS’ pleasant company. (HENRY and BILL screens close.) settle to sleep. Howls get louder and wolf eyes appear on screen, glowing red BILL (Looking over his shoulder): There, in the Arctic darkness. NARRATORS’ that’ll fix you fool critters. The sticks’ll screens open.) prevent ’em from getting at the leather. It’s the only contraption that’ll ever NARRATOR A: In the morning, Henry hold One Ear. (HENRY sits on coffin as was aroused by fervid blasphemy that before.) proceeded from the mouth of Bill. HENRY: He can gnaw through leather HENRY: What’s up now? as clean as a knife an’ jes’ about half as quick. They all’ll be here in the mornin’ BILL (Looking offstage and counting): hunkydory. Frog’s gone. BILL: You jes’ bet they will. If one of ’em HENRY (In disbelief): No. turns up missin’, I’ll go without my coffee. BILL (Angrily): I tell you yes. HENRY: Them wolves jes’ know we ain’t HENRY: Curse the powers of the Wild loaded to kill. If we could put a couple that’s robbed us of another dog. of shots into ’em, they’d be more respectful. BILL: Frog was the strongest dog of the bunch. BILL (Shivering with fear): They come closer every night. (Pointing off left) HENRY: An’ he was no fool dog, neither. Get the firelight out of your eyes an’ look hard—there! Did you see that one? BILL: That’s two in two days! (BILL puts out fire; HENRY loads the sled.) HENRY (Looking off left): It’s a she-wolf, an’ that accounts for Fatty an’ Frog. NARRATOR A: The day was a repetition She’s the decoy for the pack. She draws of the days that had gone before. out the dog an’ then all the rest pitches in an’ eats ’m up. NARRATOR B: The men toiled without speech across the face of the frozen BILL: Henry, I’m a-thinkin’. world. (Wolves howl offstage.) HENRY: Thinkin’ what? NARRATOR A: The silence was unbro-

18 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com BILL: That that animal’s familiarity with HENRY (Jabbing thumb off left): campfires is suspicious an’ immoral. Spanker’s gone.

HENRY: A wolf that knows enough to BILL (Looking off left): No! How’d it hap- come in with the dogs at feedin’ time pen? has had experiences. HENRY (Shrugging his shoulders): Don’t BILL: Ol’ Villan had a dog once that run know. Unless One Ear gnawed ’m loose. away with the wolves. I ought to know. He couldn’t a-done it himself, that’s I shot it out of the pack in a moose pas- sure. ture over on Little Stick. An’ Ol’ Villan cried like a baby. Hadn’t seen it for BILL: The darned cuss. Jes’ because he three years, he said. Been with the couldn’t chew himself loose, he chews wolves all that time. Spanker loose.

HENRY (Jabbing his thumb off left): HENRY: Well, Spanker’s troubles is That wolf’s a dog, an’ it’s eaten fish over, anyway; I guess he’s digested by many’s the time from the hand of man. this time an’ cavortin’ over the land- scape in the bellies of twenty different BILL (Resolved): An’ if I get a chance at wolves. it, that wolf that’s a dog’ll be jes’ meat. We can’t afford to lose no more animals. BILL: I’ll tie ‘em up out of reach of each other tonight. HENRY (Concerned): But you’ve only got three cartridges. NARRATOR A: The day was like all the days. Light came at nine o’clock. BILL: I’ll wait for a dead sure shot. (HENRY and BILL settle for sleep; red NARRATOR B: At twelve o’clock, the wolves’ eyes appear on screen; howls are southern horizon was warmed by the heard.) unseen sun; and then began the cold gray of afternoon that would merge, NARRATOR A: In the morning, Henry three hours later, into night. (HENRY renewed the fire and cooked breakfast starts fire and supper.) to the accompaniment of his partner’s snoring. BILL: You keep right on, Henry; I’m goin’ to see what I can see. HENRY: You don’t get no coffee. HENRY: You’d better stick by the sled. BILL: Ain’t run out? You’ve only got three cartridges, an’ there’s no tellin’ what might happen. HENRY: Nope. BILL: Who’s croakin’ now? (BILL leaves BILL: Ain’t thinkin’ it’ll hurt my diges- screen.) tion? NARRATOR A: An hour later, taking HENRY: Nope. advantage of the cut-offs around which the sled had to go, Bill arrived. (BILL BILL (Angrily): Then it’s jes’ warm an’ reenters screen.) anxious I am to be hearin’ you explain yourself. BILL: They’re scattered an’ rangin’ along

MARCH 2021 19 wide, keepin’ up with us an’ lookin’ for and disappeared. game at the same time. You see, they’re sure of us, only they know they’ve got to BILL: I might have knowed it. Of course, wait to get us. In the meantime, they’re a wolf that knows enough to come in willin’ to pick up anythin’ eatable that with the dogs at feedin’ time, it’d know comes handy. all about shooting-irons. I tell you right now, Henry, that critter’s the cause of HENRY: You mean they think they’re all our trouble. sure of us. HENRY: We’d have six dogs at the pres- BILL: I seen some of them. They’re pret- ent time, ’stead of three, if it wasn’t for ty thin. They ain’t had a bite in weeks, her. I reckon, outside of Fatty an’ Frog an’ Spanker; an’ there’s so many of ’em BILL: An’ I tell you right now, Henry, that that didn’t go far. They’re remark- I’m goin’ to get her. She’s too smart to able thin. Their ribs is like washboards, be shot in the open. But I’m goin’ to lay an’ their stomachs is right up against for her. I’ll bushwhack her as sure as their backbones. They’re pretty desper- my name is Bill. ate, I can tell you. They’ll be goin’ mad, yet, an’ then watch out. HENRY: You needn’t stray off too far in doin’ it. If that pack ever starts to jump HENRY (Worried, looking off left): you, them three cartridges’d be wuth no Something’s following you. more’n three whoops in hell. Them animals is fierce hungry, an’ once they BILL: It’s the she-wolf. (Looking off left) start in, they’ll sure get you, Bill. She looks as merciless as the frost itself. BILL: I’ve heard sailors talk of sharks followin’ a ship. Well, them wolves is HENRY: Stands pretty close to two feet land sharks. They know their business an’ a half at the shoulders. An’ I’ll bet it better’n we do, an’ they ain’t a-holdin’ ain’t far from ﬁve feet long. our trail this way for their health. They’re goin’ to get us. They’re sure BILL: Looks for all the world like a big goin’ to get us, Henry. husky sled-dog. I wouldn’t be s’prised to see it wag its tail. HENRY (Sharply): They’ve half got you a’ready, a-talkin’ like that. A man’s half HENRY: Ain’t a bit scairt of you. We’re licked when he says he is. An’ you’re meat, and she’s hungry; and would like half eaten from the way you’re goin’ on to eat us if she dared. about it. (HENRY and BILL settle for sleep; dogs whine.) BILL: Look here, Henry. We’ve got three cartridges. But it’s a dead shot. BILL: They’ve got away with better men Couldn’t miss it. It’s got away with than you an’ me. three of our dogs, an’ we oughter put a stop to it. What d’ye say? HENRY: Oh, shut up your croakin’. You make me all-fired tired. (Wolves’ eyes HENRY: Shoot her while she stands appear, howling is heard.) there, then. (BILL moves to leave.) * * * Never mind. She’s leaped sidewise from the trail into the clump of spruce trees

20 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com SCENE 3 — The Hunger Cry NARRATOR B: All too quickly, far more AT RISE: Howling and whing are heard quickly than he had expected, it hap- in the distance. NARRATORS’ screens pened. open. NARRATOR A: He heard a shot, NARRATOR A: The day began auspi- (Gunshot is heard.) then two shots ciously. The men had lost no dogs dur- (Two shots) in rapid succession, and he ing the night. knew that Bill’s ammunition was gone. (There is a great outcry of snarls and NARRATOR B: They swung out upon the yelps from dogs and wolves.) He recog- trail and into the silence, the darkness, nized One Ear’s yell of pain and terror, and the cold with spirits that were fair- and he heard a wolf-cry that bespoke a ly light. stricken animal.

NARRATOR A: Until the sled jammed NARRATOR B: And that was all. The between a tree-trunk and a huge rock. snarls ceased. The yelping died away. (BILL’s and HENRY’s screens go on.) NARRATOR A: Silence settled down BILL: We got to unharness the dogs in again over the lonely land. order to straighten out the tangle. NARRATOR B: After a night of no sleep HENRY (Looking off-screen; sharply): and wolves creeping closer and closer, Here, you, One Ear! Henry built a platform in the trees.

BILL (Looking, frustrated): It’s that she- NARRATOR A: Using the sled-lashing wolf. Step by step she’s luring him for a heaving rope, and with the aid of away. the dogs, he hoisted the coffin to the top of the scaffold. NARRATOR A: Too late, One Ear learned his mistake. As he started to run back HENRY: They got Bill, an’ they may get toward them. . .(Dog yelps.) me, but they’ll sure never get you, young man. (HENRY’s screen off. Wolf BILL (Exasperated): Them wolves is at eyes appear; muted growling. Dogs right angles to the trail, a dozen of whimper.) them, lean and gray, bounding across the snow, cutting off One Ear’s retreat. NARRATOR B: With night came horror. Not only were the starving wolves HENRY (Worried): Where are you goin’? growing bolder, but lack of sleep was telling upon Henry. (HENRY’s screen BILL: I won’t stand it. They ain’t a-goin’ goes on. HENRY holds two brands and to get any more of our dogs if I can help whirls right and left.) it. (BILL’s screen goes off.) NARRATOR A: He saw in front of him, HENRY (Almost panicked, calling after not a dozen feet away, a big gray wolf, BILL): Say, Bill! Be careful! Don’t take one of the largest of the pack. no chances! NARRATOR B: All night, with burning NARRATOR A: Henry watched in horror brands, he fought off the hungry pack. as the wolf-pack, One Ear, and Bill (HENRY pantomimes the narration.) were coming together.

MARCH 2021 21 NARRATOR A: Morning came, but for ing but trampled snow to show how the first time the light of day failed to closely they had pressed. scatter the wolves. The man waited in vain for them to go. NARRATOR A: The four sleds of his rescuers pulled in from the river bed to the NARRATOR B: That night was a repeti- camp among the trees. (RESCUERS’ tion of the night before, save that the screens go on.) need for sleep was becoming overpow- ering. He dozed and dreamt of wolves. HENRY (Looking at them in a daze and (WOLVES howl and growl.) speaking in strange, sleepy speech): Red she-wolf. . . .Come in with the dogs at NARRATOR A: Henry awoke to find the feedin’ time. . . . First, she ate the dog howling real. The wolves were rushing food. . . . Then she ate the dogs. . . . An’ him. They were all about him and upon after that, she ate Bill. . . . him. (HENRY jumps up and grabs brands, from fire, whirling one way RESCUER 1: Where’s Lord Alfred? then another in panic.) HENRY (Falling to his knees): No, she HENRY (Yelling): You ain’t got me yet! didn’t eat him. . . . He’s roostin’ in a tree at the last camp. NARRATOR B: Dawn came, and day- light. The fire was burning low. The RESCUER 1: Dead? fuel had run out, and there was need to get more but no opportunity. HENRY: An’ in a box. Say, you lemme alone. . . . I’m jes’ plumb tuckered out. HENRY (Slowing with fatigue, mutter- Goo’ night, everybody. (HENRY’s eyes ing and resigned to die): I guess you can flutter shut, his chin falls forward on come an’ get me any time. his chest. HENRY snores. Wolves howl from far away.) NARRATOR B: But something had happened. He could not understand at first. RESCUER 1: Listen to that. The cry of a (Wolves’ screens go out.) hungry wolf-pack as it takes the trail of other meat than this man. (All screens HENRY (Looking around in wonder- off.) ment): Why, the wolves are gone; noth- THE END

PRODUCTION NOTES The Wolves of Winter

CHARACTERS: 2 male, 8 male or female peeking out of one end. If desired, (5 non-speaking), as many extras as Narrators can hold two large copies of desired as wolves and dogs. White Fang, and appear to be reading PLAYING TIME: 25 minutes. from them as they speak. COSTUMES: 1850’s outerwear including SETTING: Snowy North backdrop. fur hats, mittens, boots, heavy coats. LIGHTING: Red wolf eyes. Use Photo- PROPERTIES: Flashlights, fire, dogsled, shop or other software to create the two blankets, two cups, frying pan, “cof- glowing eye effect. fin,” two stout “brands” made from SOUND: Wolf howls and dog whining paper towel rolls with red glow sticks and howls by actors; three gunshots.

22 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com This adaptation of The Three Questions Dramatized Classic is protected by U.S. copyright law. It is (Upper & Middle Grades) unlawful to use this play in any way unless you are a current subscriber to PLAYS Magazine (www.playsmagazine.com). The Three Questions

King searches for answers that will help him rule his kingdom. . .only to find he already knew what to do.

Adapted from Leo Tolstoy’s short story by Craig Sodaro

Characters highness, let’s see you smile! Give me a big chuckle. A little chuckle? A smirk? KING PRINCESS CHRISTINA KING: Nicklebottom, what’s your job here at the castle? NICKELBOTTOM, Prime Minister SCHOLAR 1 NICKELBOTTOM (Puffing his chest out): Why, I’m your Prime Minister, sire. SCHOLAR 2 SCHOLAR 3 KING: Do you like your job? SCHOLAR 4 NICKELBOTTOM: Oh, yes, your majesty. SCHOLAR 5 KING: You’d like to keep your job? SCHOLAR 6 HERMIT NICKELBOTTOM: Of course, I would, INJURED MAN sire. KING: Then go someplace else. SCENE 1 TIME: Long ago. NICKELBOTTOM: But, your highness, you’re out of sorts. SETTING: A throne room, with a large throne at center. KING: And you’ll be sort of out of here if you don’t stop trying to play coochie- AT RISE: KING sits glumly on throne. coo! NICKELBOTTOM scurries about. NICKELBOTTOM (Backing to left): Your NICKELBOTTOM: Awwwww, c’mon, your wish is my command, sire.

MARCH 2021 23 KING: Then begone! CHRISTINA: What three questions?

NICKELBOTTOM: You’re sure? KING: What is the right time to begin everything? Who are the right people to KING: Nickelbottom! listen to and who should I avoid? And finally, what is the most important NICKELBOTTOM: Yes, your highness, thing to do? If I could find the answers I’m on my way! (NICKELBOTTOM to those questions, I’d never fail in any- turns left as PRINCESS CHRISTINA thing I undertake. enters left.) CHRISTINA: Those are very difficult PRINCESS CHRISTINA (Whispering): Any questions to answer, Father. improvement, Nickelbottom? KING: I know, I know. Who can I turn to NICKELBOTTOM: I’m afraid he’s getting to find the answers? worse, Princess Christina. CHRISTINA: There are many learned CHRISTINA: What can we do? scholars. Perhaps they-—

NICKELBOTTOM: My job is to disappear, KING: Of course! I’m sure with all the so forgive me! (Races off left) learning that goes on in all the schools across the kingdom there must be CHRISTINA: Hello, Father. someone, somewhere who can help me. (Calls left) Nickelbottom! Nickelbot- KING: Christina, how fare you? tom! (NICKELBOTTOM races on left.)

CHRISTINA: Better than you, I’m afraid. NICKELBOTTOM: I’m sorry, your high- What’s wrong? ness! I’m sorry!

KING: For some reason it’s just hit me. KING: For what?

CHRISTINA: What has? NICKELBOTTOM: For whatever I’ve done wrong. KING: It’s tough being a king. CHRISTINA: It’s not what you’ve done, CHRISTINA: It’s not something they can Prime Minister. It’s what you’re going teach you in school. to do. (Curtain) * * * KING: No, and just when you think SCENE 2 you’ve got the tiger by the tail, it grows TIME: A week later. another tail. SETTING: The same. CHRISTINA: I’m not sure I understand. AT RISE: KING is once again on his KING: I make many decisions every sin- throne. CHRISTINA stands to his gle day, every single hour. But am I right, NICKELBOTTOM to his left. right? Do I make the best decisions? If only I could find the answers to three NICKELBOTTOM: Your highness, I have questions, I’d know I was doing what’s asked the most learned scholars in all right. the kingdom to come to the palace

24 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com today and answer your three questions. SCHOLAR 1: And all the while, you must think, think, think about what KING: You’re sure they are learned? you are going to do.

NICKELBOTTOM: They have BA’s, MA’s, SCHOLAR 2: Do not waste time on idle MBA’s, PhD’s, ABC’s and XYZ’s after pasttimes. their names. SCHOLAR 1: Be vigilant and watch CHRISTINA: Most impressive, Prime everything. Minister. SCHOLAR 2 (To SCHOLAR 1): But don’t NICKELBOTTOM: Thank you, your high- you think watching everything is ness. beyond the scope of a king in a castle?

KING: Then let me see some of these SCHOLAR 1: Yes, yes, yes, I suppose so. learned scholars. I have it! There must be a council of wise citizens like us. . . NICKELBOTTOM: As you wish, your highness. (NICKELBOTTOM claps his SCHOLAR 2: To help his majesty fix the hands. SCHOLARS 1 and 2 enter left.) proper time to do anything. Are you prepared to answer his majesty’s first question? KING: And the proper time for you two to say goodbye is now. SCHOLAR 1: Of course, we are. SCHOLARS 1 and 2 (Shocked): Oh, well! KING: Then tell me, scholars, what is Goodbye! (SCHOLARS exit right.) the right time to begin everything? KING: Well, Nickelbottom, I hope you SCHOLAR 1: That couldn’t be simpler. have found more learned scholars to Begin at the beginning. answer question two.

SCHOLAR 2: Now, now, now. . .let’s not NICKELBOTTOM: I can assure you, they be too hasty. are beyond compare! (NICKELBOT- TOM claps his hands. SCHOLARS 3 SCHOLAR 1: But it’s the only logical and 4 enter left.) His majesty will now place to start! ask you a question. Are you prepared to answer? SCHOLAR 2: You must have a plan before you begin anything. SCHOLAR 3: We wouldn’t be scholars if we weren’t. SCHOLAR 1: Well, I agree you must be prepared. However— SCHOLAR 4: Indubitably.

SCHOLAR 2: And the plan should be KING: All right, then, tell me—when tabled for days, weeks, months— considering a problem, who are the most important people to listen to and SCHOLAR 1: Yes, perhaps even years. whose advice should a king avoid?

SCHOLAR 2: It must mature like a fine SCHOLAR 3: Well, your majesty, I’d say wine. right off the top of my mortarboard, it’s

MARCH 2021 25 best to first listen to your generals. KING: You are both leaving the castle immediately! SCHOLAR 4: No, no, no! All they will want to do is start a war. SCHOLAR 3: But, your highness!

SCHOLAR 3: But they know your ene- NICKELBOTTOM: You heard his majesty. mies, your majesty, and you should Out! (NICKELBOTTOM pushes them avoid your enemies at all costs. off right.)

SCHOLAR 4: No, no, no! I say listen to CHRISTINA: I’m afraid this is more diffi- those who own the most land. cult than we anticipated.

SCHOLAR 3: Absolutely not! They’ll just KING: You see now why I wear a long want to own more land. face and my heart is heavy?

SCHOLAR 4: But they will have a sense NICKELBOTTOM: Do not fret, sire. I have of what will happen in the future. saved the most learned and most schol- arly scholars until last. (NICKELBOT- SCHOLAR 3: Well, yes, I suppose the TOM claps his hands. SCHOLARS 5 future is the most important thing. So and 6 enter left.) I warn you, scholars, it’s best to listen to those who predict this is a most serious business. the future. SCHOLAR 5: Be assured, we are most SCHOLAR 4: Of course! Magicians! serious. Surround yourself with magicians, and you’ll always know what’s going to hap- SCHOLAR 6: We haven’t smiled in years. pen in advance. NICKELBOTTOM: Very well. His majesty SCHOLAR 3: They will know if it is going has a question he would like to you to to rain— answer.

SCHOLAR 4: Or shine. SCHOLAR 5: It will be our pleasure.

SCHOLAR 3: They can make a gold coin SCHOLAR 6: There are no questions we disappear— cannot answer.

SCHOLAR 4: Or pull a rabbit out of a KING: Refreshingly confident. Here is hat. my question: what is the most important thing to do? KING: I see. Perhaps I am a magician. SCHOLAR 5: That is simple, your SCHOLAR 3: How so, your majesty? majesty. Do whatever comes first.

KING: I can also predict what is going to SCHOLAR 6: Wait a moment, that happen in the future. makes no sense. The first thing I do each morning is brush my teeth, but SCHOLAR 4: Remarkable! that is hardly as important as realizing I’m alive. SCHOLAR 3: What is going to happen? SCHOLAR 5: Well, of course you’re alive

26 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com if you can brush your teeth. But I see their shoulders.) Nickelbottom? your point. Maybe the most important thing in the morning is to decide what NICKELBOTTOM: Begone from here! to have for breakfast. (SCHOLARS 5 and 6 move right.)

SCHOLAR 6: I agree it’s important. SCHOLAR 6: I still think I’m right. (KING, PRINCESS, and NICKELBOT- TOM now look at SCHOLARS arguing SCHOLAR 5: You always think you’re like tennis players volleying the ball right. back and forth.) SCHOLAR 6: Because I am. SCHOLAR 5: After all, without a good breakfast you’ll be tired and grumpy all SCHOLAR 5: Because you am what? day. (They’re gone.)

SCHOLAR 6: But what if you have to CHRISTINA: Oh, Father, perhaps your talk to the king? Isn’t that important? questions have no answers! It appears no one is smart enough. SCHOLAR 5: Not as important as breakfast. KING: Nickelbottom, what say you?

SCHOLAR 6: Or brushing your teeth. NICKELBOTTOM: I must agree with Your majesty wouldn’t like it if you did- Princess Christina. These questions n’t brush your teeth! seem far too complex to answer.

SCHOLAR 5: Still, the most important KING: So I shall seek a new Prime thing to do is to get to it! To start! Minister.

SCHOLAR 6: Oh, so you would jump NICKELBOTTOM (Nervously): I only dis- right into the middle not knowing, for agree with Princess Christina on one example, what caused the thing? very minor point.

SCHOLAR 5: What difference the cause? KING: And what point is that? It’s the thing that’s happening that matters. NICKELBOTTOM: She says no one is smart enough. But the laundress of my SCHOLAR 6: What’s happening? wife’s cousin says word has it there is a hermit in the Everlasting Forest who SCHOLAR 5: Whatever it is. may provide the answers.

SCHOLAR 6: Whatever what is? KING: A hermit? Then I must speak to this hermit immediately! SCHOLAR 5: The thing we’re talking about. CHRISTINA: But, Father, you cannot meet a hermit dressed as a king. SCHOLAR 6: Yes! The most important thing to do— KING: I suppose that would frighten the creature. Nickelbottom, find me suit- KING (Angrily, rising): Is what? able attire for meeting a hermit. (SCHOLARS look at one another, shrug

MARCH 2021 27 NICKELBOTTOM: You’re serious, your KING (Pausing): Perhaps you didn’t highness? hear me clearly, wise one. I have asked you three questions. KING: It’s your last chance! Ready my horse, alert the guards—we are head- HERMIT: How can you learn to do the ing to the Everlasting Forest! (Curtain) right thing? Who is the most important * * * person? What should you do first? SCENE 3 TIME: That afternoon. KING (As he digs): Yes, and I am lost without an answer to those questions. SETTING: The Everlasting Forest. A tree stump or rock, a bush here and there HERMIT: They are quite difficult ones to and one bucket. answer, you understand. Now, here, you’ve grown tired. Let me work a AT RISE: HERMIT digs with a shovel. while. (KING keeps digging. HERMIT shrugs, sits up against rock or stump HERMIT: Digga-doo, digga-doo, whappa and seems to fall asleep. Lights dim a ding do, whappa ding do. Dig and dig bit, clock ticks, indicating passage of and dig so deep, dig and dig and dig no time. Ticking stops, lights come up. sleep. Dig through dirt and dig through KING stops digging and leans on shov- rocks, dig to see what treasure unlocks. el after wiping his brow with a rag.) (HERMIT repeats as needed. KING, now wearing a ragged tunic and cloak, KING: I came to you, wise hermit, for an enters right warily. He moves to HER- answer to my questions, but all I’ve MIT and stands beside him/her. After a done is dig holes. If you can give me no moment, he clears his throat loudly.) answers, tell me so, and I’ll return Good day, stranger. home. (HERMIT rises and points right.)

KING: Good day. (HERMIT keeps dig- HERMIT: Wait, my friend, someone is ging.) I. . .I’ve come to you, wise coming. Let’s see who it is. (MAN stag- Hermit, to ask you three questions. gers on right, holding his side in great (HERMIT stops digging.) pain. He stops suddenly when he sees KING, falls to his knees, then passes out.) HERMIT: Yes? KING: This man’s badly hurt! KING: First, how can I learn to do the right thing at the right time? Second, HERMIT (Checking MAN): Indeed! He’s who is the most important person and been stabbed. (KING removes his cloak.) whom should I avoid? And third, what is the most important thing to do? KING: This might help. (HERMIT takes (HERMIT returns to digging, hum- cloak and holds it against MAN’s side.) ming as he/she does so. He/she appears very tired and slows down HERMIT: Good sir, take the bucket and gradually.) You. . .you seem very fetch water from the stream. tired. (HERMIT nods.) Let me take the shovel and I’ll dig for a while. KING (Grabbing bucket): Yes, of course. (KING exits left.) HERMIT: Most kind of you. (Hands shovel to KING, who begins to dig) HERMIT (To MAN): Can you tell me what happened, sir?

28 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com MAN (Shaking his head): No. . .no! there is. (MAN falls asleep. Lights dim, clock ticks. KING yawns and stretches. HERMIT: All right, then don’t try to talk. He lies down near MAN, falls asleep. (KING enters left with bucket. He kneels After a few moments, MAN sits up sud- beside MAN as HERMIT moves away.) denly in terror. Lights come up, ticking stops. KING awakens.) Is it morning? I KING: Let me clean his wound. (KING didn’t think I was so tired. Must have pulls handkerchief from his belt.) been all the digging. How do you feel?

HERMIT: That handkerchief is fine silk, MAN (Deeply afraid): Forgive me! sir. It will be ruined. KING: I don’t even know you. I’ve noth- KING: We can’t let this man die. ing to forgive you for.

HERMIT (Smiling, nodding): I will go MAN: You don’t know me, but I know and find willow bark he can chew to you! I am an enemy of yours! I could not ease his pain. (HERMIT exits left.) pay my taxes and you seized my property, so I swore vengeance on you. I fol- KING (As he cleans wound): Do you have lowed you through the forest and hoped a name, sir? Can you tell me what hap- to do you great harm, but I stumbled pened? You’ve lost a lot of blood. But if upon your guard. They attacked me, I hold this on the wound, the bleeding stabbed me, but. . .but. . . will stop. There, that’s better. (MAN looks at KING, terrified.) Just try to KING: Yes? stay calm. The old hermit will return with something to ease your pain. MAN: You—you have saved my life. (MAN tries to get up in fear.) No, no, Forgive me for what I hoped to do, and you need not be afraid. Lie down. The if you let me live, I will serve you better more you move the more blood is lost. than any other. Lie still. (MAN relaxes a bit.) You’re safe here. Just lie still. (HERMIT KING (After a slight pause): Yes, you enters left carrying small piece of bark.) will live. But rest. You need rest. (HER- MIT enters right.) HERMIT: Let him chew on this. It will ease the pain. (KING hands MAN bark HERMIT: Nothing like a beautiful dawn and helps him put it in his mouth.) I to make one see things clearly. will see if there is any danger nearby. You stay with him. KING (Confused): I see nothing clearly! I’m in a fog! I came to you with three KING: No! You may endanger yourself. questions, but I end up saving the life of Let me go! the very man who sought to do me harm. And he begs my forgiveness! HERMIT: I know this forest. This is my home. He needs you more. (HERMIT HERMIT: Life can be confusing, good sir. exits right.) KING: It would be less so if my ques- KING: The blood is slowing. Another tions had been answered. bandage will help. (KING takes his sash and wraps it around MAN as a HERMIT: But they have been answered. bandage.) Now, sleep. It’s the best cure

MARCH 2021 29 KING: What do you mean? How? NICKELBOTTOM: Your majesty! We have been searching for you throughout the HERMIT: Do you not see? If you had not night! A man broke through the guard! pitied my weakness yesterday and had He’s bent on attacking you! not dug those holes for me but had gone on your way, this man would have KING (Calmly): I know. I am fine. And attacked you and now you would be the man lies here. injured or worse. So you see, the most important time was when you were dig- NICKELBOTTOM (Calling back right): ging the holes. I was the most impor- Guards! Guards! We’ve found him! (To tant person because you were helping KING) We’ll haul him to the gallows! me. And to do me good was your most important business. KING: You’re overreacting, Nickelbot- tom. We will take him gently to the KING: But I. . .I didn’t stop to think palace and see to his recovery. about any of that. NICKELBOTTOM: But, your highness! HERMIT: Of course not. You acted from That makes no sense! your own instincts. Later when the man stumbled up to us, the most impor- KING (Smiling at HERMIT): Life can be tant time was while you attended him. very confusing at times. If you hadn’t, he would have bled to death and he would never have made HERMIT: Indeed, your majesty. his peace with you. Thus he was the most important person and what you NICKELBOTTOM: What has this old fool did for him was your most important been telling you? business. Do you see? KING: This wise hermit answered my KING: I’m beginning to understand. The questions, Nickelbottom. And I will be most important time is. . . forever grateful.

HERMIT: Now! It’s the only time we NICKELBOTTOM: So what are the have in our power. answers? What’d he say?

KING: And the most necessary person? KING: Shall I leave the Prime Minister here so he can learn for himself? HERMIT: Is the person you are with at the moment. HERMIT: I prefer you give it to him in a nutshell, your majesty. For a hermit, KING: And the most important thing to I’ve had a lot of company of late. do? NICKELBOTTOM (As KING leads him off HERMIT: To do him good, because for right): So, what’s the answer to the first that purpose alone was man sent into question? You gotta tell me! (Curtain) this life. (NICKELBOTTOM stumbles THE END on right.) (Production Notes on page 48)

30 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Are We There Yet? is protected by U.S. copy- Virtual Play right law. It is unlawful to use this play in any (Middle Grades) way unless you are a current subscriber to PLAYS Magazine (www.playsmagazine.com).

Are We There Yet? Tourists visit Earth and can’t believe what they see—all from the comfort of their space craft. . . .

by Craig Sodaro

Characters DAUGHTER: What? (She cracks her gum again.) TOUR GUIDE WOMAN (Annoyed): That! MOTHER OLD MAN: My wife has sensitive ears. DAUGHTER, teenager OLD MAN WOMAN (To MAN): What’d you say? OLD WOMAN, his wife MAN (Loudly): You have sensitive ears! ADVENTUROUS TRAVELER 1 DAUGHTER (To MOTHER): Mom, are ADVENTUROUS TRAVELER 2 we there yet?

TIME: The present. MOTHER: We’ll be there soon.

SETTING: A tourist "bus," with the var- DAUGHTER: This is boring! ious tour members looking out their windows, each in front of a black or TRAVELER 1: Just enjoy the ride. neutral background. TRAVELER 2: You’re seeing things AT RISE: The tourists gaze out their most kids your age just dream about. windows, perhaps looking through binoculars or taking off glasses to clean DAUGHTER: Yeah, right. them, even eating a snack. DAUGH- TER is clearly bored, playing with her TRAVELER 1: Look at the stars! And phone and blowing bubbles that make there’s a comet! a loud "smack!" DAUGHTER (Flatly): Whoopie. OLD WOMAN: My dear, can you not do that, please? WOMAN: Young people just don’t appreciate the finer things in life.

MARCH 2021 31 MOTHER (To WOMAN): Oh, she appre- MAN: Oh, goodness, no. ciates things, don’t you, honey? TRAVELER 1: They’re way too back- DAUGHTER: Yeah, I guess. (She cracks wards to be dangerous to anyone but her gum again.) themselves.

WOMAN: Oh, goodness! TRAVELER 2: Think of them as hamsters in a cage. How dangerous can DAUGHTER: Sorry! that be?

GUIDE: Well, ladies and gentlemen, DAUGHTER: Hamsters are gross. and our young traveler, at last we are approaching our destination. It’s TRAVELER 1: Just wait, you’ll see what appearing a bit off to the right. (Heads we mean. turn to the right) GUIDE: Ah, so now we are penetrating TRAVELER 1: There it is! the atmosphere so we can really start our tour. TRAVELER 2: It’s beautiful! DAUGHTER: Can we go shopping? MAN (Sentimentally): Oh, honey- bunch, remember our first trip? TRAVELER 1 (Laughing): Here?

WOMAN: Don’t I ever! How can I for- TRAVELER 2: Why? They don’t have get, loverboy? anything any of us needs.

DAUGHTER (Disdainfully): Loverboy? MOTHER: Maybe just a souvenir or two? WOMAN: We were just married at the time. MAN: That’s a nice thought. (To WOMAN) I remember on our first trip MOTHER: It’s more beautiful than I you brought back a nice piece of jewelry. imagined. WOMAN (Holding up a large serving GUIDE: It is, isn’t it? We’ll begin our fork): You mean this? descent in a moment, so I’d like to give you a heads-up on what you’re going to MAN: One of the inhabitants tossed it see. Be ready to see enormous mountain to you, didn’t they? ranges and deep, deep canyons. There are sparkling seas but also endless WOMAN: But I still haven’t found out deserts. You’ll see stunning artifacts how to wear it. and countless forests. But most engag- ing are all the inhabitants. They’re GUIDE: Actually, we’re not supposed to always fun to watch, particularly at take anything back with us. night when they can plainly see us. MAN: Oh, back then they didn’t mind. MOTHER: But aren’t they dangerous? GUIDE: But after that little accident in GUIDE: How about that, returning Roswell a few years back, the tour vacationers? companies decided no contact was

32 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com best except in special cases. This tour WOMAN: And they used to think it isn’t allowed to land because we may was made of green cheese! (All laugh.) potentially harm their environment. DAUGHTER: Weirdos! TRAVELER 1: I thought they were doing a pretty good job of it by themselves! TRAVELER 1: No, just very imagina- tive. TRAVELER 2: Yeah, so we’re lucky we get to see it now. TRAVELER 2: You’ll see some imagination soon. GUIDE: And we don’t want to be. . .oh, what’s that saying? Oh, yes. . .we don’t GUIDE: Now we’re coming to a land want to be the straw that breaks the mass, so get ready for your first views camel’s back. of the inhabitants.

DAUGHTER: I don’t get any of this! MAN (Pointing): There are a couple!

GUIDE: The upshot is we’ll only get WOMAN: Where? close enough so you can get a good look through your binoculars. MAN: Right there! They’re in the water, swimming like crazy! MOTHER (To DAUGHTER): Go ahead, honey. . .take a look. MOTHER: What’s that thing chasing them? DAUGHTER (Looking through binoculars): It’s just all blue stuff. GUIDE: Something you don’t see every day. It’s called a great white shark. GUIDE: That’s called water. You’re looking at one of their oceans. DAUGHTER: Why’s it chasing them?

TRAVELER 1: Don’t oceans cover 70 GUIDE: He wants them for lunch. percent of the planet? DAUGHTER: Ewwww! GUIDE: That’s right. TRAVELER 1: Not this time! MAN: So they’re all squeezed onto the remaining 30 percent? TRAVELER 2: They made it to land.

TRAVELER 2: Hardly! There’s a lot of DAUGHTER (Awed): Look at them. . .all land they can’t live on, like the deserts. just lying around.

DAUGHTER: Why don’t they just move GUIDE: They do that sometimes. They to a bigger place? like to take their clothes off and bake in the sun. GUIDE: They’ve been trying, but so far they’ve only gone to their moon a few WOMAN: How odd. It’s almost as if times. they’re lying there roasting.

DAUGHTER: They’ve only got one DAUGHTER: What are those guys moon? Boring! doing?

MARCH 2021 33 MOTHER: Looks like they’re playing a WOMAN: Oh, goodness! Look! game. There’s a net and they keep smacking a ball. MAN: Well, I’ll be!

TRAVELER 1: Back and forth, back and MOTHER: What is that? I’ve never seen forth. so many lights!

DAUGHTER: Oooops! Not that time. DAUGHTER: Wow! Can we land here, please? Please?! TRAVELER 2: They’ll just start over. See? GUIDE: Afraid not. Interplanetary rules say we can handle Las Vegas GUIDE: I believe they call that volley- only from up here. ball. And this entire sandy-colored mass of land is called a beach. TRAVELER 1: Look at all the creatures walking up and down that street. MOTHER: They do look like ants down there, don’t they? TRAVELER 2: And those buildings with the lights flashing and towers and TRAVELER 1: But don’t kid yourself. roller coasters!

MAN: Close up, they’re giants! GUIDE: The big structures are called casinos. People go inside to feed GUIDE: That’s right, sir. They’re money into machines. almost twice our size. DAUGHTER: Back to weird! But I still TRAVELER 2 (Warily): Ah, Guide, did want to land here. (Sound of accelera- you notice. . .they’ve spotted us! tion)

GUIDE: So they have! GUIDE: Sorry! That was just a quick peek at a really fun spot. We do have MOTHER: They’re pointing at us! a very special tour of Las Vegas during which you get to take on a human TRAVELER 1: No, they’re aiming some- shape and get the whole Vegas experi- thing at us. ence. It’s a bit pricey, but you’ll never forget it! WOMAN: Oh, no! Some kind of weapon? DAUGHTER: I want to do that! GUIDE: Relax, folks. They’re just cam- eras. They’re taking our picture. But MOTHER: Not until you’re 825, sweet- we’re going to get away quickly so heart. they won’t be positive they’ve really seen us! (Sound of acceleration) There! DAUGHTER: But that’s eons away! We like to keep ’em guessing. WOMAN: Nonsense! You’ll be there DAUGHTER: Hey! It got dark all of a before you know it! sudden. MAN: Yeah. . .seems just like yester- GUIDE: What’s coming up is best seen day that I was hopping from planet to after dark. planet making deliveries.

34 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com MOTHER: Is that how you two met? TRAVELER 1: Doesn’t take much to amuse them. WOMAN: Goodness, no! We met online. GUIDE: It’s a once-a-year festival. (A MAN: StarMates. huge cheer is heard.) It’s New Year’s Eve here. TRAVELER 1: I used StarMates. WOMAN: They celebrate a new year? TRAVELER 2: That’s how you found your last la-de-da! GUIDE: They’re very hopeful creatures.

MAN: How’d it work out for you? DAUGHTER: Can’t we take one of them home with us? Just for fun? TRAVELER 2: Not so much la-de-da as dum-da-dum-dum. GUIDE: Sorry, no can do. But we do offer a very special Abduction Tour GUIDE: All right, folks, let’s take a look where we actually abduct one of these down at our next destinations. creatures and you can see for yourself what makes them tick. MOTHER: Even more lights! DAUGHTER: I want to do that, Mom! TRAVELER 1: They stretch forever! TRAVELER 1: Is that the tour where TRAVELER 2: What is this place? you fly out to some uninhabited spot where you find one lonely house? GUIDE: We’ll zoom in a bit closer. GUIDE: Right. DAUGHTER (Looking through binoculars): Look at all those creatures! TRAVELER 2: And you descend almost They’re packed into the canyons like— to the ground so one of them comes like sardines! outside?

WOMAN: What’s a sardine? GUIDE: You two have done the tour before? DAUGHTER: It was a vocabulary word, but I don’t know what it means. TRAVELER 1: A friend did. He said it was awesome. GUIDE: Sardines are little fish packed tightly in a tin can. These creatures GUIDE: We transport the creature like to eat them. right up here to our examination pod.

DAUGHTER: Gross! DAUGHTER: Cool! Do they scream and yell? MAN: Hey! Look at that bright ball lit up on top of that tower. GUIDE: Oh, no, they’re hypnotized into complete compliance. WOMAN: It’s starting to fall! TRAVELER 1: Our friend says it’s really MOTHER: The creatures are going fun. They made their creature squawk wild! like a duck and roar like a lion.

MARCH 2021 35 TRAVELER 2: And dance the Hokey MOTHER: Not at all! Pokey. GUIDE: They’re very skeptical. They’re WOMAN: Hokey Pokey? I haven’t too afraid to admit they’re not alone. heard that term in, well, at least 340 years. Goodness! MAN: But thousands of them saw us!

GUIDE: It’s all good fun. Once we’re GUIDE: So what? Tomorrow they’ll be done with the creature we just pop it told we’re nothing but a weather bal- back where we found it. loon. Ready to head home?

DAUGHTER: Can we do it, Mom? TRAVELER 1: So soon? Please? TRAVELER 2: Seems awfully short! MOTHER: We’ll talk to your father. DAUGHTER: Yeah! Can’t we see some- MAN (Looking through binoculars): thing else? Please? Hey, you’d better look at this. GUIDE: All right, all right. We can GUIDE: Uh-oh, the crowd’s spotted us. squeeze just one more thing in.

WOMAN: What are they shouting? MAN: What’re we going to see?

MOTHER: Sounds like “UFO.” GUIDE: We’re not going to see anything. We’re going to do something! GUIDE: Unidentified Flying Object. They’re so cute. They think they’re the MOTHER: We’re not going to hurt any only ones in the universe. of them, are we?

TRAVELER 1: What are those flying GUIDE: No. Interplanetary law pro- things coming at us? hibits that. But it doesn’t prohibit leaving our mark. GUIDE: Probably fighter jets. They just want to scare us off. O.K., guys, we WOMAN: What mark? can take a hint! (Sound of acceleration) GUIDE: Anyone in for making a crop circle? (All cheer.) Then, here we go! DAUGHTER: They don’t seem very (Sound of acceleration. Blackout) friendly. THE END

PRODUCTION NOTES Are We There Yet? CHARACTERS: 3 female; 1 male; 3 SETTING: Exterior of “tour bus” with either. actors looking out windows, black or PLAYING TIME: 15 minutes. neutral background behind each. COSTUMES: As desired by each actor. LIGHTING: No special effects. PROPERTIES: Chewing gum; binocu- SOUND: Spaceship accelerating; crowd lars; large serving fork. cheering.

36 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Down on the Farm is protected by U.S. Lower Grades copyright law. It is unlawful to use this play in any way unless you are a current subscriber to PLAYS Magazine (www.playsmagazine.com). Down on the Farm

Songs and jokes make this a fun, lively play for the whole class to perform—in person or virtually. . . .

by Jerry Miller

Characters of stage, looking out. SILAS and SLIM, who scratch often, are a-sittin’ FARMER JIM and a-rockin’. SUE and SUSIE snap SILAS beans or knit. CHORUS can be on or off stage. During first chorus, SLIM FARMER JIM enters with a hoe and SUSIE begins hoeing center stage. He will spend part of his time leaning on his SUE hoe, wiping his brow, etc. SAMUEL CHORUS: Old Macdonald had a farm, SAM E-I-E-I-O. SALLY And on his farm he grew some car- rots, E-I-E-I-O. SARAH With a “crunch-crunch” here and a THE DUCK “crunch-crunch” there Here a “crunch,” there a “crunch” BOSSY, a cow Everywhere a “crunch-crunch” THE CAT Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. (During next chorus, DUCK comes out HORATIO, a pig and does some duck things, including THE CHICKEN turning his/her back to the audience and waddling.) THE CHORUS, as many or as few Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he had a duck, singers as desired E-I-E-I-O. With a “quack, quack” here and a “quack, quack” there SETTING: A farm. Here a “quack,” there a “quack” Everywhere a— AT RISE: SILAS and SLIM, SUSIE and SUE sit in chairs on opposite sides DUCK (Very loud): Quack! Quack!

MARCH 2021 37 CHORUS: Old Macdonald had a farm, And on his farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O. E-I-E-I-O. With a “moo-moo” here and a “moo- SILAS: Say, Slim, do you know what moo” there time ducks wake up in the morning? Here a “moo,” there a “moo” Everywhere a— SLIM: No, Silas, What time do ducks wake up? BOSSY (Nice and loud): Mooooooo!

SILAS: At the quack of dawn! CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O!

CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O SUE: Say, Susie, do you know why the cow jumped over the moon? SUSIE: Hey, Sue, what does a duck say when it goes shopping? SUSIE: No. Why did the cow jump over the moon? SUE: Put it on my bill! SUE: When the farmer went to milk SLIM: Hey, Silas, what do you call a her that morning, he had cold hands! whole crate of ducks? SILAS: Say, Slim, what do you call a SILAS: Don’t know, Slim. cow who lives in the arctic?

SLIM: A box of quackers! SLIM: That’s easy, Silas, you call it an es-ki-mooo! CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O SILAS: O.K, Smarty, what do you call a FARMER JIM (Leaning on his hoe and cow that plays the banjo? speaking directly to the audience): Say, have you heard the one about the three SLIM: I don’t know, Silas. ducklings? These three little ducks come home from school. Mama Duck SILAS: A mooo-sician. asks the youngest one what he learned that day. The little duck says, “Quack, SUSIE: Say, Bossie! What do you cows quack.” “Well,” says Mama, “that’s very do for fun on Saturday nights? good.” Then she asks the next oldest what he learned. “Quack, quack, BOSSY: We go to the moooo-vies! quack, quack.” he says. “Well,” Mama says, “I’m sure you’ll do better tomor- CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! row.” Then she asks the oldest one what he learned, and he says “Cock-a- SUE: How come old Bossy there is doodle-doo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!” “How wearing a bell around her neck? wonderful!” says Mama. “You’re learn- (BOSSY rings bell.) ing a foreign language already!” (During following chorus, DUCK exits SUSIE: I don’t know. Maybe it’s and BOSSY enters, stretching its neck because her horn don’t work! like a cow, and chewing cud like a cow.) CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! (BOSSY exits dur- CHORUS: Old Macdonald had a farm, ing next chorus, ringing her bell.) E-I-E-I-O. Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O.

38 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com And on his farm he had a cat, Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he had a pig, With a “meow, meow” here and a E-I-E-I-O “meow, meow” there With an oink-oink here and an oink- Here a “meow,” there a “meow” oink there Everywhere a— Here an oink, there an oink Everywhere an— CAT (Very loud): MEOOOOOWWWW! HORATIO (Loudly): Oink! Oink! CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! SILAS: Say, Slim, what’s a cat’s favorite TV show? FARMER JIM (Speaking to HORATIO): Say, Horatio, I hear you have a girl- SLIM: Why, that’s easy, Silas, The friend. How do you know your girl- Evening Mews! friend loves you?

SUE: Susie! What color is a happy cat? HORATIO: Well, she always signs her letters with lots of hogs and kisses. SUSIE: Purrrrr-ple! FARMER JIM: You expect me to believe SILAS: What happens when you cross that you’ve got a pig girlfriend who an elephant and a cat? writes letters? How in the world does she do that? SLIM: Don’t know that one! HORATIO: Why, Farmer Jim, surely SILAS: You get a furry elephant that’s you’ve heard of a PIG PEN! always wanting to sit in your lap! CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! FARMER JIM: Well, Horatio, you have SLIM: O.K., Silas, what kind of cat goes your fifth birthday coming up. How boom-boom instead of meow-meow? would you like a birthday cake with five candles? SILAS: Don’t know, Slim. HORATIO: I’d like it better if you gave SLIM: Why, a tom-tom cat! me one candle with five cakes!

SUSIE: Hey, Sue, what state has the CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! most cats and dogs? SALLY: Say, Sarah, why is it that pigs SUE: That’s easy. Pettsylvania. like to act in plays?

CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! SARAH: I expect it’s because they like (CAT exits quickly. During the follow- to HAM it up and HOG all the atten- ing chorus, HORATIO enters. SUE tion. and SUSIE and SILAS and SLIM exit. SALLY and SARAH and SAM SAM: Hey, Samuel, what would you say and SAMUEL replace them. CHO- to a 400-pound hog on roller skates? RUS begins singing again.)

MARCH 2021 39 SAMUEL: If it was me, Sam, I wouldn’t SAM: Nope. Not a one. say a thing! I’d just get out of that fella’s way! SAMUEL: You girls know any chicken jokes? CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! SARAH: No. . . FARMER JIM: Say, Horatio, what kind of joke do pigs like best? SALLY: The only one I know is the one about the chicken crossing the road, HORATIO (Rubbing his stomach): Real and that one’s not even funny. CORNY ones. ALL (Turning to CHORUS): Bring FARMER JIM: Corny ones, huh? Well back the cow! (As CHORUS sings, what kind of automobiles do you like CHICKEN stalks off, very angry. to drive? BOSSY reenters.)

HORATIO: Pig-up trucks! CHORUS: Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. SARAH: Sally, how come pigs go And on his farm he had a cow, around shaking trees? E-I-E-I-O. With a “moo-moo” here and a “moo- SALLY: I don’t know. How come? moo” there Here a “moo,” there a “moo” SARAH: To shake down all the alliga- Everywhere a— tors. BOSSY (Nice and loud): MOOOOO! SALLY: Why, Sarah Simpson! I have never in my life seen an alligator up in CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! a tree! SAM: Hey, Samuel, I hear you make SARAH: Those pigs sure do a good job! really good milkshakes. How do you do (During the following chorus, HORA- that? TIO exits and CHICKEN enters, doing a lot of wing flapping, clucking, and SAMUEL: It’s easy, Sam, just give one scratching at the ground.) of your cows a pogo stick!

CHORUS: Old Macdonald had a farm, SALLY: Say, Sarah, what do you call a E-I-E-I-O. sleeping bull? And on his farm he had a chicken, E-I-E-I-O. SARAH: A bull-dozer! With a “cluck, cluck” here and a “cluck, cluck” there SAMUEL: What do you get if you cross Here a “cluck,” there a “cluck” a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a Everywhere— rooster? (CHICKEN does a lot of clucking and wing flapping.) E-I-E-I-O! SAM: A cow, a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? I don’t know. SAMUEL: Hey, Sam. You know any good chicken jokes? SAMUEL (Crowing out): A cocker-poodle-moooo!

40 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! stage and clap their hands, sing, tap their feet, stomp their feet, etc.) SARAH: Sally, what state do you think has the most cows? CHORUS: She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes, SALLY: I don’t know for sure, but I She’ll be coming round the mountain think it’s Mooo-souri! when she comes, She’ll be coming round the mountain, FARMER JIM: You know, Bossy, the she’ll be coming round the mountain, other day you were saying that all She’ll be coming round the mountain COOKS are mean. How come you when she comes. think cooks are mean? Oh we’ll all go out to meet her when she comes, BOSSY: They whip cream, don’t they? ALL: When she comes! CHORUS: E-I-E-I-O! CHORUS: Yes we’ll all go out to meet FARMER JIM: Say, don’t you people her when she comes, know any other songs? (The next three lines are spoken almost at the same ALL : When she comes! time.) CHORUS: Oh we’ll all go out to meet SAM, SALLY, SARAH (Ad lib): Yeah! her, oh we’ll all go out to meet her, We’re tired of that one. Try something Yes we’ll all go out to meet her when else. (Etc.) she comes.

SAMUEL: Let’s have a hoe-down! ALL: YEEEE-HAW! (CHORUS immediately begins sing- THE END ing, and all the actors come out on

PRODUCTION NOTES Down on the Farm

CHARACTERS: 6 male (this includes the ears, noses, etc., for actors playing ani- pig, who should be played by a lean mals. The cow has horns, a tail, a cow- male to prevent teasing); 4 female; 4 bell, and may have a “holstein” cos- parts for males or females, and as tume (any white garment with black many singers for the chorus as you spots—no udders). wish. If you would like to have more PROPERTIES: A hoe, four chairs, bowls people take part in the joke telling, or knitting for the farm girls, a cowbell some of the jokes assigned by the script for the cow. to various cast characters can be told SETTING: A farm. You can use a bare by people in the chorus instead. stage, or as elaborate a setting as you PLAYING TIME: 15 minutes. wish. COSTUMES: Farm clothes and straw LIGHTING and SOUND: No special hats for the “human” actors. Tails, effects.

MARCH 2021 41 Middle Grades Hornswoggled is protected by U.S. copyright law. It is unlawful to use this play in any way unless you are a current subscriber to PLAYS Magazine (www.playsmagazine.com).

Hornswoggled Con artists try to swindle townsfolk in the Old West—and get outsmarted themselves. . . . by Pamela Love

Characters ETTA MAY (Reading from small pad): That’s one order of toast with peach WINIFRED WILEY, about-to-retire preserves, one with strawberry jam, con artist and one with orange marmalade. And would you like coffee with that? SIMON SMITH con artists (SIMON, DENNIS, and WINIFRED DENNIS DAWSON all nod.)

ETTA MAY BLAKE, waitress at SIMON (Condescendingly): We’re look- Blue Sky Hotel ing forward to trying one of this fine establishment’s breakfasts, are we JOHNNY PETERS, customer at not, Miss Wiley? Blue Sky Hotel WINIFRED: Oh, my, yes. I was delight- DAISY CAMPBELL, cook at Blue ed to discover that we could stop for a Sky Hotel moment in such a charming spot. Journeys by stagecoach are so fatigu- SHERIFF MITCHELL ing. (Fans self)

ETTA MAY: I’ll be right back with your TIME: One morning in the 19th century. coffee, then. (Exits) SETTING: Blue Sky Hotel, in a small SIMON (Imitating WINIFRED): town in the Old West. There are sever- Stagecoach rides are so fatiguing, are al tables covered with bright table- they? Last week you described your- cloths and a sign reading BLUE SKY self as the former ladies’ world cham- HOTEL against backdrop. pion bronco buster! (Laughs) AT RISE: WINIFRED WILEY, DENNIS DENNIS: Winifred, I think that may DAWSON, and SIMON SMITH are have been your best swindle ever. seated at a table down center. ETTA MAY BLAKE stands next to it. Other WINIFRED (Archly): Are you implying I tables are empty. obtained the horses for our stagecoach

42 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com in a manner that was less than coming to California to retire? pletely honest? WINIFRED: Yes, but because my doctor DENNIS: No, I’m stating flat-out that says I need the rest, not because I’ve you hornswoggled the owner. lost my touch. I put the “artist” in con artist. Why, I could pull a con right WINIFRED (Pretending to be offended): this instant. Could either of you? I beg your pardon! What do you mean? SIMON: Of course. DENNIS: You bamboozled, bilked, cheat- ed, deceived, duped, and hoodwinked WINIFRED: Ha! I doubt it. You depend the owner. Wait, did I leave something on your fake property deeds, Simon. out? I just bought a thesaurus. As for you, “Doctor” Dennis, you’d be lost without your phony potion that WINIFRED (Dryly): I never would have you pretend cures everything from guessed. pimples to bubonic plague. I dare you two to get a dollar for nothing at all. SIMON: May I suggest the legal term? Defrauded. DENNIS (Surprised): You mean like in “The Emperor’s New Clothes”? WINIFRED (Shuddering): Simon, why bring up such an unpleasant subject WINIFRED: Exactly. as the law at breakfast? SIMON: I accept your challenge. SIMON: My apologies. (Scornful) If you can even call it a challenge. Everybody knows people out DENNIS (Looking around nervously): here will believe anything. Speaking of the (Spells) L-A-W, I worry about our traveling together, DENNIS (Hesitating): Well, I don’t when we’re all wanted. know. . .

SIMON: That’s why we’re headed to WINIFRED: Oh, you worry too much. California, where sheriffs spend all Watch this. (ETTA MAY enters, carry- their time out of town, chasing cattle ing tray of cups and saucers. She rustlers. begins serving.)

WINIFRED: And by traveling in our ETTA MAY: Cream or sugar? (SIMON own stagecoach, we can leave immedi- and DENNIS shake their heads. ately if anything seems suspicious WINIFRED covers her face with her when we do stop. Never spend too hands and bursts into tears.) Ma’am, much time in one place: That’s the you can have both if you want. secret to not getting caught. (WINIFRED cries louder.) Did you want tea instead? (WINIFRED sniffs, SIMON: Listen to Winifred, Dennis. In pulls a handkerchief out of her purse her day, she was one of the best con and dabs at her face.) artists in the country. WINIFRED: Oh, dear me, no, the coffee WINIFRED (Angrily): In my day? is fine. You just remind me so much of Lucy Pennyworth, my best friend as a DENNIS: Didn’t you say you were mov- girl. She used to wait tables, too, until

MARCH 2021 43 she went to her reward. (All bow ETTA MAY: It’s lovely. Some day when heads respectfully, then look up.) We I get married, I’d like to have a veil were very close, Lucy and I. Why, she like this. (DENNIS and SIMON hum even made me a wedding veil just a few bars of “Here Comes the Bride.” before she—(Sniffs, dabs at face with ETTA MAY giggles.) handkerchief) Since I never married, I could never use it. I have no one to WINIFRED: You know, I think I’ll give leave it to, either. this to you.

ETTA MAY (Sympathetically): That’s a ETTA MAY (Putting mirror down): Oh, real shame, ma’am. I could never just take it. (Mimes taking off veil, and holding it out to WINIFRED: I always carry it with me. WINIFRED) (Stands up, reaches into purse, and mimes taking out a veil and fluffing it) WINIFRED (Holding up hand): Well, if Isn’t it lovely? And such a complicated you won’t let me give it to you, just pattern, too! give me. . .oh, say, a dollar. I could use it to buy some rose bushes to plant in ETTA MAY (Squinting): I’m afraid I Lucy’s memory. can’t quite see the detail. ETTA MAY (Thinking it over): Well, all WINIFRED: I’m not surprised. Lucy right, I’ll do it! Thank you ever so used thread so thin it’s almost invisi- much! Just a minute, I’ll go get your ble. You have to look at it just the dollar. (Exits. WINIFRED, SIMON, right way. Would you like to hold it? and DENNIS start laughing.)

ETTA MAY (Awed): May I? (WINI- SIMON and DENNIS (Ad lib): Splendid FRED mimes handing over veil, and work, Winifred! The empress’ new ETTA MAY rubs her fingers together, wedding veil! (Etc.) trying to feel it.) WINIFRED: Remember, the best cons WINIFRED (Pointing): See, right there have some truth in them. I did have a along the edge there’s a border of flow- friend named Lucy Pennyworth, and ers. Roses, lilies, and— she did go to her reward. (Pause) Ten years in prison. (Giggles) ETTA MAY (Suddenly): Oh, now I see! Aren’t those tulips? DENNIS (Eagerly): Let me go next, all right? (JOHNNY PETERS enters, car- WINIFRED: Why, yes. I can see you rying newspaper and fishing pole, have excellent eyesight. which is just a stick with a string tied to it and a paper clip at the other end ETTA MAY: I wonder now. . . (Shyly) of the string. He sits at a table down Would you mind if I tried it on? right and places pole on the floor. DENNIS stares at JOHNNY.) Hm-m. WINIFRED (Reluctantly): I suppose . .(Snaps fingers) I’ve got it! (Loudly) that would be all right. Here, let me do Think I’ll just stretch my legs a bit. it. (Mimes draping veil over ETTA (Walks to JOHNNY’s table and MAY’s head) Oh, it’s beautiful on you. crouches to look at fishing pole) I beg (Gives her a mirror from her purse, your pardon, I was just admiring this and ETTA MAY stares at herself) See? magnificent fishing pole.

44 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com JOHNNY (Laughing): Well, I wouldn’t Yeah, it’s—um–really something. call it magnificent. It doesn’t even (DENNIS mimes handing it over.) have a reel. Just something I threw together for my nephew. DENNIS: Like to hold it? Almost as if it’s not there at all, right? DENNIS (In awed disbelief): You made this? Could I hold it? JOHNNY: Well, I can hardly see it.

JOHNNY (Shrugging): Suit yourself. DENNIS: That’s the secret. Fish eyes (DENNIS picks it up and stares at it are different from human eyes. Only admiringly.) Really, it’s just a toy. My fish can see it clearly, but they like nephew’s only four. what they see. This lure is made out of a secret material, passed down in my DENNIS: Toy? It’s a work of art! buddy’s family for generations.

JOHNNY (Surprised): Art? JOHNNY (Awed): Oh.

DENNIS: Of course! Look at the care- DENNIS: Unbreakable, too. Let me fully chosen and shaped wood, the ele- show you. (Mimes taking back lure gant line of the string, and the hook! and dropping it, then jumps up and What can I say about this hook? down. Mimes picking it up again) Can you spot even a tiny dent? JOHNNY: It’s only a twisted paper clip. JOHNNY (Squinting): No, I honestly DENNIS: So? The greatest statue in the can’t. world is just a lump of clay somebody squashed until it looked like some- DENNIS (Sighing): Yeah, I’m really thing else. Why does art have to be in sorry I’m going where I won’t be able a museum? Why can’t a fishing pole be to use it anymore. There just isn’t a work of art? much fishing in Cactusville. Middle of Death Valley, you know. JOHNNY (Flattered): Well, I never thought of it that way. (Laughs) Me, JOHNNY (Nodding): That’s a fact. an artist! (Hesitates) You know, seems a real shame to let it go to waste. Now, here- DENNIS (Putting pole back down): abouts we’ve got some great fishing Thanks for letting me see this. holes. Trout, bass. . .and old Carl. Reminds me of an old fishing buddy of mine. Gave me the perfect fishing lure DENNIS: Old Carl? for my birthday. Now I carry it with me everywhere. Like to see it? JOHNNY: Biggest, meanest, smartest catfish in the whole West. (Closes eyes) JOHNNY: Sure. O.K. (DENNIS mimes I can see him now, just laughing at my taking a lure from his pocket and hold- bait. Been my lifelong dream to catch ing it up.) him. (Opens eyes) I’ll come right out and say it. Would you let me buy that lure? DENNIS: Isn’t it amazing? No fish can resist it! DENNIS (Thinking it over): Well, it won’t do me any good where I’m going. JOHNNY (Leaning forward; uncertain): O.K., for you, I’ll do it! For just a small

MARCH 2021 45 sum . . . say, one dollar? SIMON (Pointing to his saucer): Right here. I’m sure I don’t need to tell a chef JOHNNY: Done! (Reaches for his wal- of your caliber that the better the let) By thunder, I forgot my wallet! Swiss cheese, the larger the holes in it. You leaving soon? DAISY (Quickly): Oh, well, yes. Sure, I DENNIS: Right after breakfast. I’m a knew that. doctor, and I have patients waiting in Cactusville. SIMON: Since this cheese is the finest in the world, naturally it has the largest JOHNNY: My sister will be here in just holes of all. It’s made in a tiny village a couple of minutes. I’m sure she’ll high in the Swiss Alps, a place so iso- lend me the money. Could you wait a lated you can reach it only by riding a minute? I don’t want to miss out on mountain goat! Nevertheless, this vil- this chance! lage is world-renowned for its cheese. Kings and queens eat it! Emperors! DENNIS (Hesitating): Well . . . all right. DAISY: Really? I’m partial to a grilled JOHNNY: Thanks so much! (JOHNNY cheese sandwich myself, now and starts reading newspaper. DENNIS again. returns to his table. WINIFRED and SIMON mime applauding. He bows.) SIMON: I still remember crossing the glacier three years ago, clinging to the SIMON: Bravo, Dennis. My turn. goat’s horns for dear life. I nearly lost (Takes his cup off its saucer) All I need several fingers to frostbite! (Shivers) is another customer, and this saucer. But this cheese was worth it. (Looks around) Hm-m—business seems a touch slow today. DAISY: And it hasn’t gone bad yet? Some cheeses keep longer than others, DENNIS: So’s the service. Do you real- but— ize no one’s brought us our breakfast yet? How long does it take to make SIMON (Interrupting, offended): Mad- toast? (DAISY enters and comes to am, I’ll have you know this particular their table.) kind of cheese can never spoil.

DAISY (Nervously): I’m Daisy Camp- DAISY (Impressed): Is that a fact? bell, the cook. Sorry your food’s late. I’m having a problem with the stove, SIMON: Just taste it! Like a breath of but your breakfast will be along soon. the pure air surrounding the highest Hope you folks aren’t too hungry. Alps. (Holds up saucer. DAISY leans forward, takes a fork from her apron, SIMON (Standing): Actually, no. In mimes cutting off a piece of cheese and fact, we’ve been sharing some of the eating it.) What do you think? finest Swiss cheese ever made. I carry it with me everywhere. Would you like DAISY (Puzzled): Well, I’ve never tast- a taste? ed anything quite like it before, I’ll say that. DAISY (Skeptically): You carry cheese with you? Where is it? SIMON: Of course not! The flavor is quite indescribable! So light!

46 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com DAISY: It is light. (Squints) I can hard- SIMON (In a stage whisper): What did ly see it. you think of my performance? (WINIFRED and DENNIS mime SIMON: Ah, that’s because the goats applauding.) who provide the milk for this cheese feed only on snow from the Alps! DENNIS (In stage whisper): Actually, that cook just might be right. Maybe DAISY: Oh. (Pauses) You know, bus- people around here would pay a penny iness around here is slow. Hardly any to look at nothing. stagecoaches stop at Blue Sky Hotel. People think just because this town is WINIFRED (In stage whisper): Perhaps so small, the food won’t be very good. I won’t retire. Swindling people this foolish hardly qualifies as work. SIMON (Sympathetically): How un- (SHERIFF MITCHELL enters with fair. ETTA MAY. JOHNNY folds his newspaper and joins them.) DAISY (Eagerly): So, I was wonder- ing—would you let me buy some of ETTA MAY (Pointing at WINIFRED, that cheese from you? I could hang a DENNIS, and SIMON): There they sign out front telling about it, maybe are! charge people a penny to peek at it. It would be the biggest thing for miles. It SHERIFF (Sternly): All right, you three. could put this place on the map! Fun’s over.

SIMON (Hesitating): I don’t know. It is WINIFRED (Innocently): Whatever do worth a fortune, after all. you mean, Sheriff?

DAISY (Disappointed): Oh. Well, we SHERIFF: Winifred Wiley, Dennis couldn’t afford that. Thanks anyway. Dawson, Simon Smith, I’m placing all (Turns away) three of you under arrest, for fraud, theft, and the general bamboozling, SIMON: Wait. You know, that is a bril- bilking, cheating, deceiving, duping, liant idea. My friends and I were just and hoodwinking of honest folks from talking about the business sense of Maine to Minnesota. Come along qui- people in the West. I want to encour- etly, now. age your dream. I’ll sell you a slice of Alpine Supreme Swiss Cheese for . . . DENNIS: But, Sheriff! There must be let’s say one dollar! some mistake!

DAISY (Happily): Oh, thanks ever so SHERIFF: Oh, no. I’ve been staring at much! Just let me go get the money. your “Wanted” posters so long I know (Exits) your faces better than my own mother’s. But you might have gotten away, DENNIS (Calling after DAISY): And if it hadn’t been for Etta May’s quick check on our breakfast, will you? (To thinking. I was out investigating a others) This is getting ridiculous! cattle rustling.

WINIFRED: Yes, we really should be ETTA MAY: I thought you looked famil- going soon. iar when you came in, but it wasn’t until you tried to trick me into buying

MARCH 2021 47 that imaginary veil that I remem- taking. Luckily, you were so inter- bered seeing your faces on the post ested in conning me you didn’t think office wall. As soon as I did, I asked about that. Daisy to hold off on serving you as long as she could. Then I sneaked out SIMON (Horrified): So all the time we the kitchen door to find the sheriff. were selling—

JOHNNY: And she ran into me right DAISY and JOHNNY: We were stalling! outside, and told me to try to keep you from leaving. I didn’t know what to do. DENNIS, SIMON, and WINIFRED Good thing you spent so much time (Dismayed): We’ve been hornswog- trying to swindle me. (DAISY enters.) gled. (Curtain) DAISY: I was scared you’d get suspici- THE END ous of how long your breakfast was

PRODUCTION NOTES Hornswoggled CHARACTERS: 3 male; 3 female; 1 PROPERTIES: Small pad of paper and male or female for Sheriff. pencil; tray holding three cups and PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes. saucers; newspaper; crude-looking COSTUMES: All wear 19th-century “fishing pole” made of a stick, piece of style clothes. Etta May and Daisy string, and bent paper clip. wear aprons; Daisy’s has pocket with SETTING: Dining room of Blue Sky fork in it. Winifred, long-sleeved, Hotel, in a small town in the Old high-necked dress, white wig, purse West. Several tables, each with a and fan. In purse are handkerchief bright tablecloth. Sign against back- and mirror. Dennis and Simon, suits. drop reads: BLUE SKY HOTEL. Sheriff Mitchell, sheriff’s badge, LIGHTING and SOUND: No special jeans, bright shirt, and cowboy hat. effects.

Three Questions (Play on pages 23-30)

CHARACTERS: 3 male, 1 female, 7 Scene 3. either. PROPERTIES: Shovel, bucket, handker- PLAYING TIME: 25 minutes. chief. COSTUMES: Old fashioned royal cos- SETTING: A throne for Scenes 1 and 2. A tumes for King, Princess, and Prime rock or tree stump and a bush or two for Minister. Graduation robes and mor- Scene 3. tarboards for scholars. Torn shirt and SOUND: Clock ticking. pants for Man. King wears ragged LIGHTING: Lights dim to indicate pas- clothes including sash and cloak in sage of time.

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