THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. A nULECT STORT. "I wi?h t gracious," SMOKE observed Con- E TALK. OF THE DAY!! IF YOU. STORIES THAI? ARE TOLD BY TIT3 stant Reader, with some Display of FUNNST MEN OF THE PRESS. warmth, "that editors would quit print- ing these confounded dialect stories, OLD fere's one Human Nature A Fool fora Client I can't make head or tail of, OUR The Exact Locati n (Jei-inr- Uel in i I doubt if anyboly else can." IS VIRGINIA ter Money Saveil, Ktc, I'.td "L?t me see if, dear," cooed Airs. If I had sixty million, what woul 1 I Handsome Stock Do with that great and most entrancing "Ob, it's of no use. If I can't make Large and V.7 store? anything out of it,you don't suppose you CHEROOTS FJ take that boodle straight downtown an 1 clan; do you?" try "Perhaps To set with it some sixty millions more. not but I'd like to see it, 892. Your friends will always Puck--; all the same." 1892. OF P1W0QI fie handed her the paper', and tuts la be glad to meet you, tnc Exact Location'. what she read i you stop when you arc it "Toilet of fancy foulards 'fbe" corsage "Where do t If and strangers will be New York?" crossed, anl of guipure. Little sultaue-ves- "Generally at the end of a held in by barettes of velvet with pleased to make your bill." Puck. bow?. High sleeves of foulard, termin- -- :o: ated in volants of guipure. Flat skirt, acquaintance. They are tfifflN'd A TRA.11. trinmed with a high volant of guipure, Uow'3 of velvet." of the Market He know it's awfully impertinent, surmounted with They are the Pick "I William Henry Siviter. the BEST SMOKE and but tell me, are you engaged ?' She "I could tell better if you were and otcry single piece has been carefully selected with reference to ih at the same time the to ask me another question first." Truth. have just returned liu SELECT SIFTIXGS. LADIES' TRADE of this city and section. I :i where secured CHEAPEST. GETTING BETTEU. the Northern fashion centres I rwhitlgcprichmom Almanacs for 1893 are out already. TIow is your wife setting on?M FIVE for TEN It costs about a to an CENTS. slowly. She i not $17 da keep iB 'She's improving elephant. well enough to attend to her household Unprecedented Bargains duties yet, but yesterday she was out A case is reported of a somnambulist who shopping." walked fifteen miles in his sleep. in the lines of-- Russia exports every year more than a A FOOT. FOR A CLIENT. million pound of caviar, which is pre- Hold On To Your Money Flounc-ings- , First Lawyer "Married now, eh? pared from the roe of the sturedd. Dress Goods, "White Goods, So you have won a case in Cupid's At San Jacinto, in San Diego County, court." California, they raise alfalfa six fee;, three Ham-burg- s, Un' il ', on si e what. :i dollar will do in our line. Every one is getting full Second Lawyer "Yes; but I have to inches high in six weeks, by irrigation. Laces, Embroideries, value vu: v tl'.ey leave at our .'tore. cut pay the costs." Violinmakers prize above all other kinds of wood that which they extract Lawns, Challies, Trim- HOOKED. from the seasoned timber of old house?. E ARE CLOSING OUT She "What would you do if you A big raft on the Joggins" pattern, were rich?" containing 3,500,000 feet of timber, was mings, Silks and Satins. WIi ARE CLOSING OUT He "Ask you to be my wife." successfully launched at Fort Bragg, She "And I should say 'yes.' It i? Cal. -- All these goods have been better to be bom lucky than rich." Tim: nvtimlei- - Unless n of our Summer goods in order to make room for our new Fall Life. ail Austrian gaics the consent stock, ai d inviti' ( ur friends and patrons to call at once and secure r.ire an I valu- of his wife, he cannot get a passport to able bariiaius in our line. journey beyond the frontier of his own SPOT CASH TO CUOOSE BOUGHT FOR THE A FROM. WIDE RANGE country. Smeigthes have their old family "The was law io. wc arc able escutcheon emblasoaed on their carriage Several year3 ago there a and as I received a remunerative discount on the transaction, every slanderer doors now." Poland which compelled customers every single j'ard of goods at the exact wholesale to walk on all fours through the streets to sell our "Ye3, I saw it. But why didn't they me. of the town. figures, that means at the same figures as they were billed to otxir stock: SHOES select a prettier one?" Chicago News-Recor- d. The Italians invented the term influ- Is compleln in every detail and consist only of such .joods tint wecn fully enza in the Seventeenth Century, and w:m.:nt t. oivo We satisfaction. have them for LADIES, "MEN. MISSES. liOYS III9 ONLY CHANCE. attributed the disease to the influence of au(i ( njA)bL.. and at this time are prepared to offer unusuel bargains. "Why do you always employ women certain planets. SHOES Don t miss the opportunity hut come at once. Mo trouble to show goods, IM CLOTHING AID . as typewriters?" asked Mrs. Curtain Lec- A tine has recently been imposed upon even i! v- u t 1)113-- uoi, intend to ture. an English woman who permitted her "So that I can have soaie one to dic- two dogs to draw her baby carriage on tate to," replied the unhappy iuiu. the public highway. WE HAVE GOT THE DROP New York Press. of 3ZZELL, SUCCS & CO., Picardy, France, claims the honor On competitors season. being the place where the first plate glass our this PROGRESSIVE. was made. The process was discovered We have Clothing to fit and suit most everybody and anybody. In Blue Front Store, one door South of Summerfield's Furniture Store "How is this, Dauber? You've paint by accident in 1G8S. be surpassed by any ed Father Time with a mowing machine The last execution for forgery in Eng- quantity, qualit', variety and cheapness, they cannot instead of a scythe?" land took place at the Old Bailey on leading house in the State. FOK 30 DAt s. In order to introdnee our Crayon "That's all rijjht. We artists of the December 31, 1892. The name of the I'ortrnlt in your vicinity, and thus create a demand for onr work, we make you the following bona flde modern school keep up with the progress convict was Thomas Maynard. offVrt Send us a good photograph, or a tintype, or a Judge. daguerreotype, of yourself or any member of your of invention." Oscar Wilde is said to be deep in the Our Stock of Shoes fumily, livintr or dead, and we will make Ton one of our tiiifwt 1.1 ' ' Viiv B.iaVru A vtcx development of a new flower, a golden AHK02VUTELTI FiC EE OF CHARGE, provided you exhibit it to your friends and use your lntln-pn- OUTCLASSED. which seem-ins- r MISSES and is something of in 113 future orders. This will be a Bample portrait and wortb $35.00. Cut this out and return veined tulip, which he declares to be "a for LADIES, MEN, CHILDREN it to us with your photographs, with your name and address bark of photos, no we can ship portrait "You used to say I was your angel, Address vour ttiumph of classic horticulture." we are of. was made especially us aud fully wa- acrdinL'lT letters to TANtiUEISEY rOKTUAlT SOCIETJ, 741 UcKaLb but I never hear any such speeches now." proud Every pair lor "Because I know you are not; and I'm The first monument ever erected to the rranted. In stjde and cheapness they can't be beat. Our work can be een 'In the homes of some of the modi memory of the Union soldiers who fell in continent people In the I nited State, viz. s His Emlnenre Cardinal Gibbons. Rev. T. mighty glad of it. Nice running-mat- e r , JM 1 U,,'K". Thayer is cemetery .0:- - rl-t- J. of Nebraska; Mm. '. T. Crisp, wife of Hon. the Civil War that in the oa rpostker of the House of )CepreHitativeH, WaHhlnicton, U. and nan; I would be for an angel, wouldn't 12" OtllCIM. liefer SOU to all lianliM llncl rnnimprrhil neriu'lry In V Vnlr .n.lC. Brooklyn; Somerville avenue, in Somerville, Mass. and all exprtsa companies throughout the United States. Indianapolis Journal. t" r or sample of our work we refer you to the editor of this paper. Avery convenient mucilage can be THE SHRINKING FUNNEL SniRT. made of onion juice. On being boilel a GOODS yield, on being pressed, GENTS' FURNISHING "How do you like your new tiauuel short time it will quite a large quantity of adhesive fluid. shirts, Wiggins?" in the latest styles and novelties. In this line we can offer special induce- "Oh, They're great! Had 'em washed The former record for fast type wiiting a couple of times and now I'm keeping has been broken by Miss Catharine V. ments, as we have secured real and genuine bargains. GRAND DISPLAY them to wear for wrist-band- s in the Curry, of Syracuse, N.Y., who can write winter." Chicago News-Recor- 182 perfect words in one minute. Sh e has been operating nearly five years. Siiraw A man is Hats 9 OP WHAT EXPERIENCE TEA.CHE3. living in New England, who and Felt Old Doctor "No, sir. I never have five feet seven inches in height, has a in the latest shapes and in endless variety at prices never before heard of a patient die on my hand? never." beard six feet two inches in length, or will eight inches longer than himself. Tne It do your heart good to look at them, no matter if you want to buy Young Doctor "How do you manage or not. fefpl Roods it?" beard began to grow twelve years ago. Old Doctor "When I find a man is A nugget of gold weighing forty-fiv- e If you only will visit rur vast establishment you will readily confer, going to die I get him to call a special- ounces, almost pure, and having, accord- ist." Life. ing to the assay, a money value of $345, if you take a look on the overloaded shelves, that wc keep the largest and AT was exhihited in Leadville a few days best selected stock of goods in the city and perhaps in the State, and will MONEY SAVED. ago. It was taken from the Gordon sell them as low or lower than any house who docs an Little Wife "I saved thirty dollars mine. Hi One hundred and fifty of the songs Loving Husband "You're aa angel. and ballads of Burns are soon to be pub- Honest, Straightforward Business. How?" lished in Czech by the editor of a Prague Thi-- Season finds us belter prepared than ever to offer our friends Little Wife "I saw a perfectly lovely newspaper. In every instance the Bo- "We don't mislead the public by promising to sell goods at half their ir 1 has and patrons the most beautiful and stock eay-cha- that knew you'd like, and I hemian translator preserved the value, any person with common sense knows be done, but we attractive of goods that lias metrical form of the original, a feat of that can't ever been in didn't buy it." Truth. exhibited this city, and at prices which are bound to astonish. apparently great skill. do promise to sell them at MAKES ITS OWN TROUBLE. "There is nothing so fatal to crawfish "That's a mighty poor circular you as a thunder storm," said a Washington IN DRESS GOODS have to advertise your fishdealer. "When I make a shipment WHOLESALE PRICES. avc have all of them to any place at a distance I al- and will the new novelties and latest designs with a beautiful assort- "Why?" - guarantee satisfaction in every respect. ways make sure that the weather prom- ment of trimmings to match. Our lines of "It is so illegible it gives a man sore yes to read it." ises well. On more than one occisiou I WHITE COODS, CIIALLIES. LAWNS, EMBROIDERIES have had entire consignments killed on "Well, isn't that good for the eye- WE WANT YOU TO READ and FEOUXC1XGS wash?" Harper's Bazar. a journey by a small electrical disturb- ance." must be seen to be -- oil .- , , . every advertisement reputable rmmvfinlj ....vx v. ilmr, ,,vlt. h:... iiman .1 in this paper. Wc want you to visit every r. iv 1..uun jneiiier at una AN AWFUL, RISK. An old restaurant bill of fare, printed season. in Richmond, Va., in January, 1851, dealer in our line, get their prices, examine their goods, then come to "? Casper Corker "Say, cull, if I wa3 give3 war-ti- me beforo you buy. gun' ter kill meself, I'd take the following prices in morphine." Confederate money: "Soup, Jonas Dead beat "Don't you never do $1.50; OUR SHOE DEPARTMENT it." chicken 3.50; roast beef, $3.00; ham You will then be posted, and can better appreciate the Casper Corker "Why not?" and eggs, 3.00: raw oysters, $2.00; comprises an endless variety of Ladies', Mens and $"2.0i); Children's Shoes. Jonas Dead beat A friend o'mine coffee, bread and butter, $1.50; Any style or quality that your did a bottle of ale, $12.00; and a Genuine fancy may require, you will find in this it onct, an' they found 'im an' walked cigar, and Bare Bargains department. We don't keep any shoddy 'im eight hours to briug 'im $2.00." goods; every single pair of to!" Chi- we are lihi.-r.i- News-Recor- offering to all sh.oes cago The natives of Gibraltar, aud also the alike. Afraid of losing customers by this that leaves our establishment will be fully warranted, we as are Moors across the strut, have a tralition advice? Bless you no ! It is just as natural for you to drift tack hit" only dealing with manufacturers of well known repute. NOT THE MAN'S FAULT. that somewhere on the rock there exists the safest harbor as it is for rivers to seek the sea. a "That man is utterly devoid of fee- cavern whence a subterranean passage le ids - ling." under the strait to the mountains IN CLOTHING- WE TAKE THE LEAD ! "How do you know?" on the other side. The existence of the This Season. We on my hat passage, they say, is known to the mon- have Clothing to tit and suit the most fastidious We "Hsat and didn't know it It Will Is of Interest until I told him." keys, who regularly use it in passing have them lor Men, Youths and Boys. you If want a real nobby Spring "Straw hat, wasn't from one continent to the other. to dealers to call and - wc arc Suit, any style, and less it" examine our stock. In variety and price- at money than you have ever bought it, it would "Yes; but what of that?" able to offer better, be to your "Nothing, A Very Old Hammer. inducements than ever before. interest to call on us this time. These are facts dare-t- onlv I thought it which we be be deputed, even by our competitors. felt." Truth. A relic of olden times was shown us Mo 1 Jay by R. A. Brunts, of the Lytle and POP AND BE DONE WITH IT. House, which consisted of a claw ham- IKsOrders by mail will receive Prompt UNUSUAL BARGAINS Mr. Popinjay (falling on his knees) mer, originally owned by R. A. Brunts, Careful IN HATS. Miss WiUon.I cm no longer de?ist thp Sr., during the Revolutionary .War, and Attention. consisting of sanded down from father to Straw. Stiff and Felt Hats. passionate. imjials, to unr eal to-- - son until 4 r tlv; momentous suo.ecs that is fraught the present day, says the Maysville(Mo.) lor me wit'i the issues of life and death. ; Herald. Tne hammer was used by R. And A. Bruits' in im GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS yet I am overawed at my presump-t- i repair- a I take into consideration ing a pair of boots worn by George . in endless variety and exceptionally low. iynen the EE glamor of your personal charms, Washington, and is an implement for ElWfl g Call and examine our stock. Xo the dszzling lustre of your intellectual which Mr. Brunts has several times re. trouble to show j good, fur wu attainments, the exquisite, fused $10u. It is well preserved and of are fuliy convinced look the ado- that if you you will buy, ami ti,at js w,al Wc rable" ordinary size and shape. want. Miss Wilson "E tense me, Mr. Pop-injy.b- The Prices, there ar ti nes when eloquence There are peopbi who think tlietr Original Leader of Low . C. KERN is r out of place. If you wi3h t r.ei.-iibor- houses iccd paiuting bciuinc & CO. poo the question, pjp and be iou witu, they do not wash their own windewa. it." Ham's Horn - GOLDSBORO, N. C. - - - - - wi" j -