The Undergraduate Magazine Vol. VI, No. 10 | January 23, 2006

Hero in a Half-Shell Move Over, Fatty! Sudoku: Still Here Dear Goldman Sachs Shira tells the tale of a turtle gone Andrew’s guide to avoiding airplane We know you love those numbers - get Sebastian Jonathan Crawford III domestic. shaft-age. ‘em right here. applies for a job! Page 3 Page 5 Page 7 Page 8

RHEA RHUMBA ERIC KARLAN QUINTON BRIGGS SELLING CAESAR PRIVATE EYE A Classical Love Story Part 1 BY STEPHANIE CRAVEN BY MIKE WEINGARTH Whoever said you learn nothing about Classics. Not exactly marketable, is it? IT WAS A FOGGY THURSDAY AFTER- “What do you have in mind, Miss…?” marketing in Classical Studies probably ac- In a way, I’ve actually deprived myself of NOON. The city was choking on smog and “Reinquist. Jane Reinquist. May I have a tually studies Marketing, and therefore never the best arguments. My own literal appli- humidity, what we natives usually call “humi- cigarette?” She asked. had to learn to sell the un-sellable major. In cation of study to career aspiration doesn’t dog”. You could barely make out the skyline I tossed her one. “I thought you just said my three and a half years at Penn, I’ve had make me that much different from a Whar- beneath the thick layer of smoke in my office. you had a lot of money, whatddya need to be to answer time and again—at least, after ton student, an engineer, or a nurse. For in- I should’ve cracked a window before smoking bumming smokes off of me for?” I lit my own clarifying that Classics pertains in no way stance, taking four languages instead of the this entire pack of Marboloro’s, but private and leaned over to give her a light. She leaned to Beethoven or Mozart (unless you count history classes I really wanted to take in order detectives seldom learn the rules. We usually over the desk and touched my hand gently to La clemenza di Tito)—the same question: to gain specific skills and be more attractive to just break them. steady my Zippo. “You’ve got incredibly deli- “What are you going to do with that? Teach graduate schools follows the “postponement Thursday’s never brought good news. My cate hands. Don’t get around to much house- Latin?” And after years of responding to of joy” principle one of my Wharton friends secretary was eager to go home to her lawyer work, I suppose?” I suggested. parents, relatives, other Penn students, co- put forth. In her case: even if she hates all of husband, some yacht owner named Bart. She “I like a man who smokes,” she said, hold- workers, employers, and assorted skeptics, her classes, someday she’ll make a shit-load came in with coffee and one of the sweetest ing the pose. I looked back into those beauti- I began to formulate arguments. I began of money and be happy. (In my case, there looking dolls I’d ever seen. ful blue eyes and saw trouble. I looked down to discover what sells. In my experience, is no money—but the hope of someday be- “I wish I’d put pants on,” I said, reaching her shirt and saw trouble bobbing slightly “law school”, “relevance to modern life”, and ing qualified to wallow in Classical Studies down and pulling up my pants. with each breath she took. Trouble was ev- dumbed-down comments about the general for the rest of my life and get paid to talk “Mr. Briggs, I need your help,” She said, erywhere. philosophy of the liberal arts education and about it is pretty damn tempting. Well, for her red dress filling the room with an electric “Look Jane, let’s cut to the chase. What do how it facilitates “thinking outside the box” me, anyway.) Thus, it really is hypocritical for glow you only found in cheap bars by faulty you need me for?” I said. I cracked a window sell. “You’re damn right, I’m gonna teach me to use any of the best-selling arguments nuclear power plants in their ‘special brew’. finally, the smoke vacuumed out of the room, Latin” doesn’t. mentioned above. When I say “law school”, I “Well sugar, I never trust a beautiful wom- leaving only a slight smell of cheap whiskey I’ve used the law school argument and don’t mean for me. When I say “liberal arts”, an, you’re going to have to get considerably and cheaper women. I should probably have modern relevance, but the defense I prefer I am ignoring my own skill-related course of ugly before we start talking,” I said. I wasn’t the carpets cleaned, I thought. is the classic liberal arts defense: the purpose study. In this relentlessly practical day and in the mood for business. It’d been three “I need you to find my brother. I’m pre- of education is to foster an all-around inter- age, most people recognize unless you’re re- weeks since my last job, tracking down some pared to give a lot for you to do it.” Jane got est in learning, and to hone skills like written ally good and really lucky, a career in liberal nervous housewife’s cheating husband and up and sat on my desk. expression and debate. A business may hire arts academia amounts to personal economic blackmailing him. I didn’t like work. Work “Fine. Let’s go get some dinner and you you to crunch numbers or whatever—but if suicide—hence, “What are you going to do was dirty, and I liked to wear white; the two can tell me about it,” I got my coat and we you cannot express yourself coherently, ar- with that?” Me? Well, next year, probably don’t go together, even metaphorically. went down to the diner at the corner. ticulately, and in an organized fashion in teach high school Latin. Like that’s gonna “I’m prepared to pay a lot of money,” she Apparently her brother had disappeared your native tongue, you’ll look like a moron. sell. said, patting the briefcase beside her. If I had on a dark night. He was dealing with some In making this argument, part of me oozes a Most people from the outside think that any sense I would’ve shot her right then and shady characters down by the pier and she certain amount of elitist contempt: how liter- we “frivolous liberal arts people” are just nuts run to Mexico, but I’m a sucker for blue eyes didn’t like what she was seeing. He was acting al-minded to think that you must do exactly to begin with. What they don’t realize is that and I was out of bullets. She just seemed too weird and shooting junk. Left his girlfriend to what you study in college! And then I realize academics has a way of discouraging people innocent to play me, so I poured myself what go shack up with some two-bit hustler named my own hypocrisy: what I want to do more even before graduate school because you have was left of my fifth of Jack and downed it. Continued on PAGE 7 than anything is exactly what I did in college. Continued on PAGE 4 PAGE 2 JANUARY 23, 2006 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO.10 FirstCall Editorial Vol. VI, No. 1 | January 23, 2006 The Undergraduate Magazine WELCOME TO TABLELAND Editor-in-Chief Lauren Saul “Plateau: An elevated, comparatively level expanse of land; a tableland.” Well, it’s certainly level, it’s got some table-esque elements, and it is a bit elevated. The artists Editors of Penn’s newest public sculpture knew their topographical vocabulary, at least. As for Shira Bender Anna Stetsovskaya aesthetics, we’re not so sure. In an informal poll of the First Call staff, 0% liked the metallic mess on 40th Street. Assistant Editors “It looks like a bus stop. A shiny new bus stop.” “A cage.” “I thought they were building Adam Goodman Joanne Yuan something.” Well, they were building something for almost all of Fall Semester. That’s why we had to put up with imposing fences and mud staring at us through Greek Lady’s Columnists window for all those weeks. Unfortunately, it seems they never got around to actually Shira Bender Robert Forman completing the project. Either that, or somebody just got bored. “Just throw some lights in Adam Goodman it, and call it art; no one’ll notice. I’m goin’ home, damnit.” Andrew Pederson We realize Penn is obligated to build sculptures on campus. Philadelphia’s “Percent Liz Thomas for Art” program requires one percent of the cost of construction on redeveloped land to Writers be dedicated to public art. Hence, the button, the tampons, and now, the bus stop. But Stephanie Craven why must they choose to build such strange, ugly, unsightly, obnoxious, unpleasant, and Pedro Gerson Pauline Park unattractive monuments? Why can’t they come up with something cool and interactive like Adreyo Sen the spinning cube in Manhattan’s Astor Place? Sure, we can sit on the cool hard surfaces Ashley Steinberg of Plateau, but really, when you’ve got Qdoba across the street, why would anybody park Kathy Wang Mike Weingarth themselves in the middle of a would-be construction site? It can’t even become a cool new hang-out for the pothead contingency; Plateau is covered in lights, and they prefer darker Artists milieus. Shira Bender Stephanie Craven We wonder how students are going to refer to our newest object of ridicule in years to Shelby Prindaville come. Whoever came up with the dueling tampons has certainly lived on in infamy well Yue Wu beyond his or her years at the University. How did that even happen? Some Women’s Photographers Studies major was probably walking by it one day back in the 70’s, mulling over the sexual Shira Bender revolution and her place as an independent and powerful female in a male-dominated Eric Karlan society, when she found herself cowering beneath two titanic red rods. Tampons! She Layout Editor thought to herself, tampons that represent our oppression, our suppression, the plugging Krystal Godines and blocking of our talents, our abilities, our very beings! We must fight! Fight to the death! A duel with humanity—with our blood! At which point some frat boy threw his Layout Assistants Isaac Katz empty can of Pepsi at her, and ran off cackling into the sunset. Tim Potens A glorious tangent has culminated. But seriously, we need a good name for it. Who can Sarah Ramler even spell plateau? It just won’t work. Business Managers Yes, many of us are making fun of the display, but who is actually putting their minds to Alex Chacon coining a name for it that will reverberate through the ages? We bestow this task on you, Greg Lysko our fellow classmates. Go forth, and deride. Marketing Manager Leah Karasik

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Editorial Policy First Call is the undergraduate maga- zine of The University of Pennsylvania. First Call is published every Monday. Our mission is to provide members of the community an open forum for ex- pressing ideas and opinions. We are committed to a policy of non-censor- ship. Articles are provided by regular columnists and writers and are chosen for publication based on the quality of writing. Outside of the weekly editorial, no article represents the opinion of First Call, its editorial board, or individual members. No content in First Call unless otherwise stated represents the official position of the administration, faculty, or student body at large of the Wharton Shelby Prindaville is a sophomore in the College. You can write to her at shelbyp@sas. JOIN IN ON THE FUN! Writers, photographers, advertising gods, web designers and marketing mavens. Come to our meetings! You can play Scattergories with us. Tuesdays at 9:00 pm. Email [email protected] for details. NOW. JANUARY 23, 2006 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO.10 PAGE 3 EVERYTHING I KNOW I LEARNED FROM DYLAN SHIRA BENDER | IN ALL SHIRIOUSNESS NO, NOT THAT DYLAN. I’m talking about my turtle. OK, well, a deceptively good swimmer. He enjoys basking in the rays of his UV lamp, playing with the my boyfriend’s turtle. Seeing as I picked him, though, paid for bubbles from the water filter, and hiding in the plastic plants he uproots from the floor of the him, carried him over to the fraternity in a Penn Bookstore bag, tank. He is also illegal. and was partially responsible for his name, (despite some con- I believe this is the second article I’ve written this year about my illegal activities. (I’m in tention over this fact) I’m claiming partial ownership over him. the process of giving those dresses back, I swear.) Anyway, yeah, he’s illegal. Title 21, Volume 8, The DP wrote an article about fraternity pets last Thursday, Chapter I, Subchapter L, Part 1240, Subpart D, Section 1240.62, a, (no I did not make any of and I took offense at the paltry amount of words devoted to that up, Google it biatches,) of the Food and Drug Administration Law says, “Except as other- Dylan in that piece – 49 out of 500,000. They spent more time wise provided in this section, viable turtle eggs and live turtles with a carapace [that’s a shell, talking about dogs in bowties than the most awesome creature I’m guessing] length of less than 4 inches shall not be sold, held for sale, or offered for any other ever to have lived on Penn’s campus. I love dogs, I have a dog, and type of commercial or public distribution.” Less than four inches? Yeah, Right. Dylan was half I would never say a bad thing about dogs. But seriously, what’s an inch – totally on the wrong side of the law. more interesting, a dog or a turtle? Dogs are everywhere. Turtles The regulation is actually outdated, since it was based on the false belief that turtles larger are not. Novelty = interest. Therefore, ipso facto, ad infinitum, turtles are cooler. They’re teen- than that would be less likely to carry salmonella. But it is still technically the law, kind of like age, they’re mutant, they’re big and depressed in The Never Ending Story, they’re comic relief how it’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church in Alabama. Anyway, in Entourage, they’re surfer dudes in Finding Nemo, and they’re Koopas in Mario. You gotta that pet shop is a black market for tiny illegal turtles, so now I feel kind of dangerous for hav- love ‘em. So, I decided to write my own piece all about Dylan, to give him his due 15 minutes of ing even set foot in there. Of course, about a week later I was walking through Chinatown and fame. Or however long it takes you to read this. Which should only be about 5 minutes or so. noticed people selling them in bulk on the streets, so I didn’t feel cool anymore. Dylan was conceived on a lovely spring day sometime in I did, however, feel bad for the turtles. It turns out that tak- early September. And by conceived, I mean thought of; no, I ing care of one of these little guys takes a lot more work, money, didn’t check with the pet store on the mating seasons of their and attention than you might think, and lots of them die soon turtles. My then-friend now-boyfriend (it was a complicated after they arrive in the homes of unwary buyers. First off, they September,) and I were walking around the bio-pond, admir- need water heaters, filters, thermometers, and basking surfac- ing the foliage, breathing in that sweet West-Philly air, and es. And then there’s the fact that they live for like 50 years, and enjoying the peace and complacency that accompanies those grow to be the size of a dinner plate. All things a responsible early, optimistic days of the school year. For anyone who has pet-buyer should research before presenting her boyfriend with not yet been to the bio-pond, you should go. It’s one of our a “gift” that will be sticking around for quite a while. Oh, well. campus’s hidden gems, a small homage to a 17th century pasto- So, the title of this article indicated that I learn things from ral vision, complete with pond, quaint wooden and wrought- Dylan. That’s entirely true. He’s just so nonchalant, so easy-go- iron benches, stone-lined pathways, and picnic tables. It’s ing, so good to talk to. He used to be a bit of a coward, so any something out of Anne of Green Gables. The trees even have time someone would come in the room, he’d slide off his rock labels on them. And you can smoke pot there at night, I’m -- which we stole from the Bio-pond pathways, which makes told. I’m told. that crime number three for me -- and hide behind it. But lately There we were, strolling along, eating our food truck re- he’s gotten to be much more social, to the point where he’ll eat pasts, (Mexicali burrito for me, Hemo’s chicken sandwich for straight from your hand! So that’s one lesson I learned. When him,) when we stopped for a moment to watch the turtles bob someone offers you a cut-up grape, they mean you well, not their heads in and out of the water of the pond. “They’re so cool!” he exclaimed with the wonder harm. He also does this really cute thing where he snaps at bubbles on the surface. Lesson and glee of an 8 or 9-year-old boy. “Look, look, LOOK! He’s SWIMMING!” number two: if you’re bored, play with air pockets. He’s also quite the decorator. We got him So, I bought him a turtle. It was pretty easy to do. There’s a pet store right over on 40th and this fake plant thing that’s supposed to stay grounded in the pebbles, but every time we try to Sansom, so it was only a five-minute walk. The owner brought me to a tank filled with tiny little stick it in there, he pulls it right back out, and lays it sideways. He simply likes it better that way. tykes, their shells only about half an inch in diameter. He scooped them all up in a big net, and Lesson number three: be your own decorator. And lastly, I’ve learned from Dylan that while my then dropped them back in the tank. “Watch,” he instructed, “pick fast swimmer.” Dutifully, I dog Obiwan Kenobi may be furry, cute, awesome, and way cooler than all other organisms on watched the turtles make their ways back down to the safety of the tank floor, and there was earth, turtles, in all their slimy salmonella-infested reptilian-ness, come in a close second. only one clear winner. One tank, some food pellets, and a bag of pebbles later, and I was on my I’ll conclude with the only Dylan quote I could find that had a turtle in it: “Well, that big way back to Penn, turtle in hand. Well, in bag. dumb blonde with her wheel in the gorge, Turtle, that friend of theirs, with his checks all forged The naming was fun. We didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy yet, since you can only tell that and his cheeks in a chunk with his cheese in the cash, they’re all gonna be there at that million with turtles after a few months. We’re actually still not so sure, but I have my suspicions that dollar bash, Ooh, baby, ooh-ee Ooh, baby, ooh-ee, It’s that million dollar bash.” I have no idea he’s a she. Dylan works both ways though, I think. It really didn’t take long to get to that name. what to make of this. I think he’s too deep for me. But I like the image of the cheeks in a chunk. My boyfriend is into the singer, and Bob isn’t a very cool turtle name. He also likes Springsteen, That sounds funky. but Bruce wasn’t really in the running, and Springsteen takes too long to say. Hence, Dylan. Dylan is a Red Ear Slider, named for his red ears and his sliding. He is semi-aquatic, and is Shira Bender is a sophomore in the College. You can write to her at shiratb@sas. OPERATION BULLWINKLE DROP L I Z T H O M A S | THE HIT LIST WAKE UP AND SMELL the 5. People in Utah Like to Dangle Moose from Helicopters: M.’s natural response was to chop him up in the bathtub and highlighter fluid: break’s over, Let me preface this by asking an important question: Does dispose of him in trash bags – allegedly. Of course, she’s in- and school is back in session. But anyone actually know the plural of “moose”? Stop drooling. nocent until proven guilty, but we all know how crafty those while you were busy avoiding never mind. In any event, people in Utah, in a batshit move dominatrix types are. gunshots on 38th street and fight- (even for Utah), are kicking moose into neighboring Colorado 7. Britney Spears Photographed Sans Wedding Ring: ing plaid mobs at the bookstore, because they don’t want them anymore. And the method of When your life can be summarized by white cornrows, maca- a lot was going on in the world transport? They’re dangling Bambi’s cousins from a helicopter roni and cheese, and dirty diapers, I can’t really imagine what around you. Here are some of - Steven Segal style. other horrors could make it worse. Maybe she traded the ring the highlights: for a Venti Frappuccino, or maybe she’s pulling a 1. Man Plays J. Simpson. Then again, come to think of it, she Dead for Fame: In probably gave it to a person of short stature who the world’s biggest promised her that he was a hobbit and that he had example of a mid-life crisis, an Ohio man and fa- to return “precious” to the mountain. ther of six posed dead in various locations around 8. Mayor of New Orleans Babbles About God his house in order to gain the fame he always and Chocolate: In a speech that can at best be de- wanted. Then, in a further odd move, he posted scribed as bizarre, Mayor Ray Nagin expressed them online and waited for the big bucks to roll his hope that New Orleans would once again be a in. Unfortunately for the state of our country, “chocolate” city and argued that the reason for Hur- deadbodyguy.com blew up internationally. ricane Katrina was that “God was mad” at the na- 2. Study: Work Makes People Drink: Accord- tion. The mayor has since tried to apologize for his ing to a recent study by the Journal of Studies on remarks, although they don’t really seem to warrant Alcohol, about 15% of employees admit to drink- an apology. They’re just…odd. It’s like that time ing before or at work, with about 7% claiming my grandpa rubbed Jello pudding on his face and that they had indulged in a liquid lunch on one or barked like a dog for ten minutes, then awkwardly more occasions. This study really explains a lot: apologized. We didn’t really care, but boy were we for example, why I paid for an eight pack of nug- weirded out. gets but only got a four pack and a (loving) slap. 9. Ben Franklin is Really, Really Old: Franklin’s 3. farmersonly.com Links Up Lonely Farm- 300th birthday was marked by eating cake and elec- ers: (SWM) in search of (White & Black) (Bovine/ trifying metal rods. Sounds like my birthday party, Farmer/Small Goat) for (good times/fine dining/ except replace cake with midgets and metal rods spooning) and (serious commitment/casual dat- with squirrels. There isn’t a good way to end this ing/wham-bam-thank you ma’am). Must enjoy paragraph, so I’ll just stop. (hay/barns/squawking noises) and be tolerant of 10. Taiwanese Scientists Make a Glow-in-the- (mud stains/overalls/bestiality.) Dark Pig: By inserting jellyfish DNA into pig fetus- 4. Chicago Mob Boss Cracks Up Courtroom: es, scientists have managed to create glowing green Joey the Clown, longtime mob boss, created a scene in a court- 6. Man Dies by Dominatrix. Talk About Whiplash!: Some pigs. The pigs’ internal organs, as well as their outside skin, room while pleading not guilty to participating in a conspiracy tasteless punch lines just write themselves. Others you re- are entirely glow-in-the-dark. This is some Brave New World to kill eighteen people. Joey laughingly apologized for being ally have to whip into shape, you know, give them a taste of shit. Do we really need green pigs? Was someone in Taiwan “unavailable,” referring to the prior nine months when he hid your authority – just like 53-year old, 280 pound Michael reading Green Eggs and Ham while getting jacked on speed? from authorities. Personally, I think he should have gone all Lord. All the poor guy wanted was a little round with Mistress So many questions. Joe Pesci on their asses when the giggling started: “You think Lauren M. on her basement dungeon rack. Then something that’s funny? Funny how? What’s funny about that? I’m here went wrong, and the rack caused him to die, but not in the Liz Thomas is a senior in the College. You can write to her at to fuckin’ amuse you?” Shakespearean sense (English major joke!). Mistress Lauren ecthomas@sas. PAGE 4 JANUARY 23, 2006 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO.10 SUPREME CHOICES ISRAEL: AFTER BY ASHLEY STEINBERG SHARON BY PEDRO GERSON MY FAMILY AND I WERE IN A TAXICAB coming back to the hotel from dinner. An upbeat pop song in Hebrew was playing on the radio. Halfway through, it stopped. I knew it was not good news. In Israel, news alerts are rarely good news. A man with a deep voice started speak- ing, and my father’s face went blank. As he quickly realized that none of his children knew what was going on, he turned around and said: “Sharon had a stroke.” When we arrived at the hotel the security guard was with the rest of the hotel staff, gathered around a small TV. He let us in without checking any of us. Israel was paralyzed. The next morning everyone was talking about what was going to happen to Sharon. The pessimists said he was dead, the optimists said he’d be out for a while, the pragmatists knew it did not matter: Sharon was no longer prime minister. The conversation moved from uncer- tainty about Sharon’s health to uncertainty about the future of Israel. Before Sharon’s second stroke everyone in Israel knew that his new party, Kadima (“Forward”) was going to win the March elections. Despite the fact that Sharon had not outlined a coherent policy and the fact that many believed that his pulling out of Gaza was a mere act of appeasement, most Israelis were content with setting their hopes on Sharon. For most Israelis the upcoming elections were not about voting for a party or for a set of policies, they were about voting for a man they trusted: Ariel Sharon. After Sharon’s stroke, however, the future of Israeli politics seems extremely murky. The question of who will lead Kadima is up in the air. Ehud Olmert, the acting Prime Minister will probably be the man to do the job. He is qualified but highly uncharismatic, and will probably not rally enough support for a landslide Kadima victory. There are two basic scenarios. The first is a coalition government between Likud and Kadima and the other is a coalition between Kadima and Labour. Hopefully it will be the latter. The Likud party is the conservative party in Israel. It is led by Benjamin Netanyahu, a man who has received a lot of praise in the West for opening the Israeli economy, most notably priva- tizing the phone company. While his efforts pushed Israel’s economy upward, the only ones who really benefited from his policies where the rich. Israel was a country that up until four or five years ago was largely middle class. Under Netanyahu’s economic policies this has changed. As an example we can look at Jerusalem, even if the casual tourist does not notice this, has be- come a city where poverty and beggars are common. Economic policy, however, is not the most dangerous thing about Netanyahu’s party. The Likud party is adamant about continuing settle- ments in the West Bank and therefore never pulling out. Maybe Netanyahu and his cronies are in denial that the final two state solution, a painful solution on both accords, is the only way out of this mess. Netanyahu, with his ‘zero tolerance’ policy and his credentials as a hawk of Israeli politics, has managed to rally support among the religious and the conservatives. This could be very dangerous, because with his party in government the end of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict THE PUNDITS HAD BEEN YAPPING over come in front of the Supreme Court, he’s as would be as far away as ever. the past few months about Bush’s first Su- cool as a cucumber. As judges can and often On the other hand the Labour Party has adopted a new flavour under the leadership of preme Court pick, Harriet Miers, without do make decisions that go against the interests Amir Peretz. Despite him being somewhat unpopular and the fact that some deem him to be their usual know-it-all complacency. They of the presidents who nominated them, Bush inexperienced his party’s social policies and more importantly his policies towards the Pales- seemed genuinely surprised when the self- needed to be sure that he picked someone tinian conflict are much more sound. A coalition government between Labour and Kadima ascribed “compassionate conservative” nomi- who worships him more than she worships would probably lead to further disengagement. The main problem with the Labour party is nated a melba toast no-paper-trail lawyer to the law. Miers fit the bill: her involvement that it supports an “Across-the-Table-Strategy” which involves an agreement with Palestinian the bench. To assuage the fears of loyal social with the Texas lotto scandal did not exactly Authority (PA) over what is to be done with the territories. It is true that under most circum- conservatives, Cheney trotted around mak- reveal her to be a pillar of legal ethics, and at stances negotiations are better than acting unilaterally. The PA is too weak to enforce the terms ing speeches that were tantamount to a mere one point, she had called President Bush the of negotiations. More importantly, further discussion will only divide Israel from the inside. “trust me, guys,” but the base was still aghast “most brilliant” man she had ever met. It will open a Pandora’s box of internal conflict and Israel’s opposing sides will tear each other at the pick. Rightly so: Bush had betrayed Of course, if instead of the social conser- apart. Despite Labour’s rhetoric about pushing for negotiations it is my opinion that in a coali- them by placing his own legacy as president vatives the currently comatose Democrats tion government Israel would push more towards a unilateral disengagement and therefore the above the concerns of those who had helped had been the ones protesting, that would creation of a Palestinian state. him get there. have been just fine with Bush & Company. No Ariel Sharon’s disappearance from the political scene creates uncertainty. Anyone could win Social conservatives have eagerly awaited need to consider the other half of the country the upcoming elections. The reality is that in any political scenario the solution of the Israeli- the moment when their ally in the White which doesn’t necessarily believe what Bush Palestinian conflict is not around the corner. The difference lies in that one outcome, a Labour- House would be poised to install a Supreme believes. But since it was the social conserva- Kadima coalition, promotes a solution; while the other one, Likud-Kadima, pushes a solution Court justice who would rule favorably on is- tives who mutinied – representing a much very far away. We must watch these elections that, I believe, concerns us all. As Amos Oz, an sues of importance to them: not just abortion, smaller percentage of the American popula- important Israeli novelist, puts it, “ You no longer have to chose between being pro-Israel or not just euthanasia, but a host of issues rang- tion but who vote for Bush in geographically pro-Palestine; you have to be pro-peace.” ing from school prayer to hospital mergers. valuable areas – the White House caved and Knowing the time would come, they built up nominated someone else. Now, after meet- Pedro Gerson is a sophomore in the College. You can write to him at gerson@sas. a considerable army of sparkling intellectual ing the oh-so-unremarkable Alito, we’re left also obnoxious. Playing it for four years will judges with unimpeachable credentials. And congratulating the president for doing what surely burn you out. You forget, in the heat who did their inside man choose? Harriet he was supposed to do anyway – “Way to go, ContinuedCAESAR from PAGE 1 of competition, that the winner is not he who Miers. Georgie! You nominated someone with actual to sell yourself within the field. In Classics, if loves most passionately, but he who loves the Bush’s first Supreme Court pick is em- judicial experience!!” – and missing the real you haven’t taken Latin and Greek, you’ve al- longest. blematic of exactly what his administration’s issue: that the main conservative objection to ready eliminated yourself from the running: In the end, there is no selling point in pur- biggest problem is – its insouciance. The Miers was that she hadn’t adequately laid out no one will take you seriously if you haven’t suing Classics for life if there is no love. And White House shamelessly appoints people her pro-life credentials, instead of the larger put the time in to learn to read the primary if you think about it, a college major can play to positions for which they are grossly un- problem, which was that she was a crony who sources. Modern languages seem to be a big out a bit like an intellectual love affair. Con- qualified (e.g. Michael Brown at FEMA), or lacked judicial qualifications (though the component as well, and not just for gradu- sider: you begin by flirting with various areas worse, where they are charged with regulat- right-wing did a fine job of pretending it was ate school (graduate Classics at Harvard, for of study until something either catches your ing the industries in which they used to work the latter on Sunday morning talk shows). instance, demands German, and Italian or fancy, or is most convenient out of the ran- (i.e. most of Bush’s cabinet). The result? Poor So, the pundits got excited for a battle French, in addition to Greek and Latin). If dom classes you took just before the end of public policy in a variety of areas that leaves over the new guy. “Ideological War Looms” as you’ve ever written the term paper for McIn- sophomore year. You spend your time with the executives at Boeing and Lockheed all the sides “Gear up For a Fight,” screamed the erney’s Greek History class, you’ll remember it, and maybe you love it, and maybe it utterly toasty inside but the average Joe left out in the headlines – because what on earth would there that all the English sources end up getting defeats you and screws you out of your GPA, cold. And the average New Orleans resident be for the media to report if not for a fight be- picked over, and if you don’t know German, but by the end, you have to come to a deci- out in the flood. tween insulated, out-of-touch politicians, a you’re pretty much screwed. sion about it. Are you going to toss it by the The insouciance, their evasive but cheeky fight whose outcome is known anyway? Both Then there’s the enthusiasm factor. Hav- wayside? Or is this for life—are you prepared demeanor, is all the more problematic when Democratic wimpiness and Republican zeal ing spent a semester at an all-Classics study to pursue it beyond casual interest, to have it the motives for the Miers pick are considered mean that Alito will be confirmed. Forget abroad program in Rome, I know that one become part of who you are, to wake up to in the first place. It seemed to have less to do that the real significance of the battle they’re of our (my) most annoying habits is to try to it every morning even as you and it get older with “values,” Bush’s darling buzzword, than discussing is that it will determine how cur- outdo everyone else in expressing love for the and uglier? Will you marry it and read 500 it did with securing Bush’s place in history rent U.S. activities at home and abroad will go subject. We would engage in odd behaviors pages a night for it, when every ounce of com- as a “war president,” another self-given label. down in American history--as in accordance like crowding in front of monuments and see- mon sense tells you to let it go? Will you sell But war presidents can’t be war criminals, with enshrined constitutional principles or in ing who could translate the Latin inscription your love to yourself? and since he is begrudgingly aware that the opposition to them. Instead, all we hear about the fastest, or whole knew the most obscure My thesis advisor pokes fun at me, saying types of cases the Supreme Court is likely to are sensational questions asked in dry senate Classical authors. Perhaps we were genuine she can tell that I am an undergraduate be- hear in the next decade or so center around meetings. After a brief flirtation with hardball in our enjoyment of this insanity, but most of cause I still look happy to be there. I confess, the constitutionality of torture abroad, the journalism and actual policy deliberation in it, I think, was a performance. Think about it: I still am. The infatuation remains. I still sell erosion of civil liberties at home, and other the wake of Katrina, the media have reverted people who were used to be being considered classics to everyone else with “law school” and cases that will at least indirectly call into back to covering events in the way they know eccentric were suddenly thrown into a group liberal arts, but anyone who knows me knows question the legitimacy of the Iraq War, Bush best, through frames of conflict. So, if politi- where everyone else knew the same mate- that these are not the arguments for me. I will knows that his best bet for ensuring an un- cians are fighting each other, and the journal- rial and was eccentric in the same way. To be defend the usefulness of the Classics, but am tainted legacy is getting someone on the court ists are covering the fight, who is left to fight unique, you had to either be more eccentric, prepared to teach Latin to get where I want to whose loyalty lies with him personally. That for us? or eccentric in a way different from anyone be—and anyone who can’t respect that should way, if Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, Bush’s cozy else. Playing I-love-my-subject-more-than- take his contempt elsewhere. Like any good relationship with the Saudis, or any of his Ashley Steinberg is a senior in the College. You can you-do was a way of both selling yourself and and Cheney’s dalliances with war profiteering write to her at mashley@sas. discouraging others; after four months, it was Continued on PAGE 5 JANUARY 23, 2006 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO.10 PAGE 5 RUN IF THEY’RE SENILE A Trans-Atlantic Survival Guide ANDREW PEDERSON | BRUT FORCE AS A TIME HONORED spiritual and For one thing, old people piss. A lot. This means their pudgy Princess Bride, mercilessly sucks ten hours away from your family tradition, the holidays mean butt will be making its way across your lap more times in two life. The best anyone can do to mask the agony is to produce a several things. On the one hand, hours than you’d ever like in your entire life as they try to avoid suitable distraction with as mindless a form of entertainment there is an overabundance of turkey, another ‘accident.’ Not a problem if you choose the window as exists on the planet: entertainment or sports magazines chocolate, awkwardly faked fam- seat, but as much as they piss, they sleep, and when nature in- and a well stocked ipod. With any luck, the vapid, rehashed ily affection, presents and all things evitably comes calling your way, you’ll find their snoring bulk (though notably arousing and occasionally amusing) bullshit warm, fuzzy and nicely wrapped. On as impassable as a fleshy, wrinkle-infested Berlin Wall. of Cosmo or Maxim will send you to sleep to the soundtrack the other, however, there are cash- Rather, choose a person within the 20-55 year age range of your choice. strapped budgets, crowds of unfa- and greet them emphatically. If they respond with more than Under no circumstances rely on the airline’s radio enter- miliar relatives, fatter asses and an a nod or grunt of as- tainment. Somewhere between world music and Katie Cou- obscenely crowded travel system. sent, move on. The air- ric, your mind will dissolve into a seething mass of randomly Over the recent Christmas holiday, I experienced all these Friendly hands at plane is a place to sleep, firing neurons and the Korean Dragon Woman behind you things and more, but on an international scale as I jumped eat and be entertained, who can’t keep her fucking hands off the tray table is as good back and forth between France and home. If my tinsel-driven security become not to prop up and play as dead. ocean hopping taught me one thing, it’s that traveling can be more numerous social puppeteer to a Lastly, and by far most importantly, get drunk as quickly more hazardous to your sanity than your health. Seat kick- heavy, rancid corpse of as possible. Drunk? Yes, piss drunk. So drunk you will pass ing and infant screams which once lasted a mere two or three and, inexplicably, a conversation. Find out and wake up confused and slightly hung over in a foreign hours now span the length of an entire day, including layovers. the skinny, middle land. While this suggestion is laughable on a US domestic Friendly hands at security become more numerous and, in- once you cross aged computer techni- flight, where getting shitfaced could cost anywhere from $30 explicably, once you cross the ocean, much friendlier. On cian who has nothing to god only knows what and everyone is forced to deal with top of it all, in the post-9/11 world of extra scrutiny, where the ocean, much to say and therefore the horrible reality in a state of excruciating lucidity, things any act, however minor, of aggression or disobedience can be less to annoy you with. are graciously different on transatlantic flights. Thanks to a construed as a fatal threat, the role of the airline traveler has friendlier. If you fail to find the wondrously designed business model and a culture of mod- necessarily become one of absolute passivity. All the raw ag- perfect person, or are erate alcohol consumption, many European carriers, includ- gression roughly jangled out of your balls by the fat German unable to change seats, don’t panic. Put on your headphones ing Air France and Lufthansa, offer complimentary alcoholic security officer has to stay bottled deep inside, or one risks the immediately and keep them on from takeoff to landing, even beverages in the air. Because we as Americans decidedly do same fate suffered by our unstable yet ultimately harmless if you’re not listening to anything. This way you can semi-po- not share this culture of self-moderation when it comes to al- friend in Miami. litely escape the pitfalls of airline socializing simply by cocking cohol, we can profit from veritable fountains of beer, wine and Thus, to soothe your body as well as your soul as they your head to one side, pointing at your headphones and shak- booze to help us through ten hours of hell. hurtle together and equally uncomfortably through the air, I ing your head. If they insist, remove your headphones and, In sum, the trick to surviving extended periods of time in present here three easy to follow tips for the long haul. They with your very best Eastern European accent, feign ignorance cattle cars 35,000 feet in the air is finding a way to isolate may not get you off the plane or restore adequate circula- of the English language. Or better yet, without removing your yourself as much as possible from the madness of it all. First tion to your cramped and swollen legs, but they could help headphones, respond directly into their crotch in a loud voice neutralize the verbal irritation of perfect strangers and then you preserve your equanimity and save you from a messy end until they recede into a blissfully awkward silence. methodically shut out unwanted stimuli. In a world where broadcast endlessly on FOX News. Secondly, don’t assume you will be able to magically trans- Zen meditation skills are becoming rarer, however, we must First, choose your seat and your neighbors carefully. In a form your dead time on the airplane into productive work depend on pop culture sexuality and pure, unfettered abuse larger plane, you’ll have the choice of a seat in a large center time; it’s more likely you’ll put away any dense reading after of mind altering substances to avoid a potentially nasty out- row or one in a smaller aisle. This is a no-brainer, but after about five minutes, and laptop time in economy class is only burst. After all, you life just may depend on it. you’ve secured your aisle or window seat in the smaller sec- as long as your battery. Further, even if you are blessed with tion at the ticket counter, look next to you when you board. At two in-flight movies you haven’t seen, that still leaves up to six first glance, a sleepy and uninteresting old person may seem hours unaccounted for on a long flight. Indeed, the airplane Andrew L. Pederson is a junior in the College, studying abroad in like a good choice for an undisturbed flight. Wrong answer. is a black hole which, much like the dreaded Machine in The Lyon, France. You can write to him at awl@sas. CELEBRITY HARDSHIPS BY KATHY WANG “FULL-FIGURED AND FABULOUS.” That’s next few months, she is going to profit mil- ers do not have a shred of celebrity in them. helping thousands of people with their time what Star Jones called herself when she came lions from her harrowing experience losing They do not have a loyal following of scream- and money. However, making such a big deal to the Penn Bookstore last weekend to pub- weight (while, of course, at ing fans. They do not have out of celebrities’ helping people is almost licize her autobiography: Shine: A Physical, the same time earning mil- millions of dollars to spend like if I gave my labrador retriever credit for Emotional and Spiritual Journey to Find- lions as a talk-show host). on weight loss programs, retrieving his squishy-ball. . In other words, ing Love. It seems that after complaining I must admit that she has plastic surgery, or any oth- celebrities may be generous in giving, but they about getting too much of the spotlight, she had her hardships, but I er type of medical enhance- also have many more resources than normal now wants more of it. I’m not going to review also have had my trials and ment. In fact, all they have civilians. Not to mention the extra press they her book (maybe next week) or comment on tribulations. I survived a are $60 memberships to get when “caught” in the act of charity. I’ve her where-did-it-all-go? weight loss routine gut-wrenching experience the nearest gyms and ex- always wondered how Angelina Jolie con- (that’s why we have magazines like Us Week- that will make you tremble cess skin. Despite these stantly manages to find a cameraman when ly). However, I am going to comment on her in your JCrew rainboots: “shortcomings,” each and she is holding a disfigured baby in the deserts self-pity and the pity that I can’t even force my first semester of college. every one of them deserves of Central Africa. I was not aware that desti- myself to feel for celebrities who pretend to In fact, I already have a book an autobiography. Their tute villages could afford a Nikon, much less be victims of this cruel, bitter world. Perhaps in the works called Divine: achievements, whether it’s a fancy one the size of my head that produces they don’t realize the aura of “celebrity” that A Miraculous, Inebriated, losing weight, supporting a front-page material. trails their every step. Perhaps they are inured and Sleep-deprived Journey family on minimum wage, In short, we are so star struck by celebrities to the looks of admiration that they get from to Passing. Just like Star, or even finding a job, were that we often deify their every act of generos- millions of young teens or their weekly, if not I will show the world that not cushioned by “celeb- ity or accomplishment. When I opened the daily, appearances on the front page of our passing class is possible “if rity.” Yet, we continue to DP this past Wednesday and read ‘View’ host: newspapers. Simply said, it is surprising that you give it your best shot.” ignore the triumphs taking Confronts Hardships, my heart wept a little from the heap of emotional and monetary Are you puking yet? place behind closed doors for poor Star and her suffering: her hideous fortune that they have garnered, celebrities Nonetheless, Star Jones’ and addictively zoom in on wedding at the Waldorf Astoria, her shabby can only dig up details of their oh-so-brutal writing (or at least dictat- celebrities ardently fight- position on an Emmy-winning TV show, and lives to present to their adoring fans. ing... okay, contributing ing for the spotlight. let’s not forget her book signing at some ob- I am not criticizing Star Jones’ new book. to) the book is admirable. Our obsession with scure college – what’s it called again? Penn In fact, in every seemingly perfect Ameri- Her readers will think that if Star got over celebrities isn’t limited to the scandalous. State? I’m sorry Star Jones. Some people just can home, people are struggling with their her weight problem, they too can survive Even their every act of kindness is caught in can’t have it all. weight. Star Jones lost 300 pounds and the ordeal. But there’s an undeniable gorge paparazzi’s sensitive radar. I’m not denying Kathy Wang is a freshman in Engineering. You wrote a book about it. Good for her. In the between these readers and Star. These read- that people like Angelina Jolie and Bono are can write to her at wangkx@seas. wasn’t such a bad thing—law schools ContinuedCAESAR from PAGE 4 love it, I understand Whartonite, my arguments have become the foundations of more logical: “here is my plan”, “here is what American political I’ve done”, “here is why you should give me a thought, and everyone our dose of chance”. And even as I say this, I don’t know at any cocktail party weekly wisdom if it is going to last. Perhaps some day I will will agree that I’m a wake up in graduate school to find my love well-rounded, intelli- for Classics turned apathetic, or even hateful. gent product of liberal firstcallism Perhaps I simply lack the personal mettle to arts education. Any- see this through. I don’t know, because this is way, a little academic LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS, still the honeymoon period—and I only have flirtation never hurts. UT O ARE a rough, abstract idea of what lies ahead. As Stephanie Craven is a B S STDS. of now, I’m mildly terrified—but I’m still buy- senior in the College. ing. You can write to her at Besides, if it doesn’t work out, Classics spcraven@sas. PAGE 6 JANUARY 23, 2006 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO.10 THE INNER WHINE IN ME BEST BETS BY PAULINE PARK ROB’S TV PICKS FOR

WHEN A SOCIALITE like Paris Hilton bitches about how get me wrong) are invariably interesting, cool, and funny, just 1/23 - 1/29 she had a “tough childhood” due to envious classmates and like any other Penn kid. I would even consider hanging out Monday: 24 “11:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m.” (FOX, 9 p.m.) so-called mean girls, you can’t help it if a part of you dies a with them. But the majority, leave this awful numbing taste So, uh, how stoked am I that the new season has final- little inside. When Alanis Morissette puts her bitchery into in my mouth after a conversation. How many times can you ly premiered? THIS stoked (for those unable to read good lyrics and puts her whole life on the musical canvas with actually talk about the MCATs before it gets played out? From with enough emphasis… a lot of stoked). Walt Cum- plenty of guitar, she does a convincingly cool job. The tremen- what I witnessed, many, many times. When I see these kids at mings, a traitor in President Logan’s camp! President dously whiny lyrics are partially what got her fame in the first house parties or a bar for that matter, all they seem to want to Logan inspiring me to comment that even Bush is a place, only second to her distinguishing lack of sex appeal. do is talk academics with me. This is their way of socializing, better President! Chloe O’Brien having sex… with a co- Elizabeth Wurtzel is another bad girl who has had her share substituting dancing and bad alcoholic drinks, in exchange for worker!? The show is going to have to ratchet up the of whiny fun and isn’t calming down anytime soon. Anyone a good, solid intellectual conversation. Maybe this is symp- terrorist threat, though… nerve gas? Please. The last who writes an autobiography is righteously a whiny person. tomatic of going to a hyper-competitive school like Penn, be- group of terrorists almost melted-down 104 nuclear Anyone who writes an autobiography justifying all of her life’s cause I realize non-pre med kids do this too, unwittingly, or power plants and that was a cover up for stealing a nuke ills (see Prozac Nation — her claim to fame) is righteously a maybe I just hang out with really un-cool people who need to and launching it on a missile. Though I gotta admit… whiny person. But probably no other book eats the cake other sharpen their social skills and wit while they’re at it. David Palmer and Michelle Desslers’ deaths were quite than, Bitch, which Wurtzel obviously wrote completely high There was a point in my life where I tried to go incognito surprising. Oh. Consider yourself spoiled, if you hadn’t — the whole book is long-winded, discomforting prose at its and tried to pass myself as an English major. Fine, so the only watched the premiere yet. Whoops! finest. She isn’t particularly insightful, but she’s a hell of a good thing I could pass for was an English minor. I had some bud- Tuesday: Scrubs “My Way Home” (NBC, 9 p.m.) Oh whiner and captures this through plenty of capital letters and ding English skills I thought I could explore and kept sign- my god. I’m recommending something on NBC. Run run-on sentences. Did I mention she is also my role model? ing up for English course after English course, semester after for the hills! Wait, the hills are alive! Scrubs, possibly Whining doesn’t even have to take on mythic, celebrity semester. But one professor, who shall go unnamed and be better than ever, ever, eh-hever before throws a 100th proportions. When I read columns in magazines or news called Professor X, literally threw down the ax and told me she episode bash worthy of Frank L. Baum. Well, it might publications, I feel as if the whine is part of the routine, not had just about it up to here (or was it there?) with my writing. make the guy roll over in his grave. But I hope it’s in a the dribble that erodes all faith in logic and common sense. My papers came back flooded with red marks. I tried being funny way. In case you didn’t catch that, the episode is Some people use every opportunity of public exposure to bitch subversive by writing my papers with room for ample improve- a Wizard of Oz spoof. about all of life’s misgivings like it’s their God-given right, and ment so that my initial papers would look drastically different Wednesday: Veronica Mars “Donut Run” (UPN, 9 because I realize I than the final p.m.) Series creator Rob Thomas’s directorial debut, am no different, I result, while my featuring Lucy Lawless! It’s been about six weeks since have decided to take quality of writ- the last new installment from Neptune, CA, and I’m the same route. ing remained just itching for answers. Not about this season’s big bus To set the slate more or less the crash mystery, but about how well the show can perform clear, I am not neces- same through- against Lost and Bones with an American Idol lead-in… sarily a socially awk- out the course. not to mention without the strength of America’s Next ward person. I can This was not a Top Model at 8 p.m.! I mean… South Beach? Really, be at times, but that’s good plan and UPN, you should just go for dead-air if you’re gonna beside the point. I for all of you try- put that crap on. am not necessarily ing to do this, Thursday: Smallville “Reckoning” (WB, 8 p.m.) The a socially awkward I’m evidence of network has been promoting it like crazy, so if all you person, but I always the failed exper- rabid One Tree Hill watching loonies haven’t heard that seem to surround iment. My TA Smallville’s 100th episode (quite a milestone week, isn’t myself with people tried to reassure it?) will feature at least one death by a major charac- who are. They come me by saying ter… well, you weren’t paying enough attention to the prepackaged in pre- that though my snow and the ominous music, and the pretty angel med form and even papers weren’t grave stone. It’s payback time as Jor-El takes the life of fulfill stereotypes. good, “At least someone Clark loves, making good on his threat from Take Person X for you are a good “Hidden”. instance. I feel like writer.” Talk Friday: Battlestar Galactica “Black Market” (SCI-FI, every time I eat din- about being 10 p.m.) As I will outline in an upcoming article… BSG ner with Person X, slapped in the is frakking awesome. I really don’t want to say much I am rehashing to her my complete academic history from face. Except worse. Needless to say, I made very few friends more because I wanna save my crazed and verbose the first day of freshman year to now. This is all she wants to in the English department, including the English majors, who “reading into TV” thing for the article. know, this is all she will ask for. The sheer politics of “How probably snubbed my writing behind my back during peer re- are you?” and “How was your day?” are just a superficial front views. “She’s totally a pseudo-English major… err… minor.” Sunday: Family Guy “Patriot Games” (FOX, 9 p.m.) for the nitty gritty desire to fulfill her innate nosiness about Oh yeah? Well, I wouldn’t want to take classes in Bennett I dunno… is it just me, or has American Dad! Far sur- my academic progress or lack thereof. I resent people who Hall anyway. passed Family Guy on the funny-o-meter? Well, here’s can’t remember simple facts or always expect me to repeat So by this point of the article, I had planned out for my a situation that’s sure to get some hearty Quahog chuck- things because we haven’t seen each other for a few weeks and life to fall apart for good or for you, the reader, to stop reading les… Tom Brady guest stars (or his voice does, anyway) that somehow gives them extra permission for memory fail- because this is really sick whining in the making, but I guess I and Peter becomes a member of the New England Pa- ure. I feel as if we’re holding the same conversation multiple still have some semblance of sanity (and maybe even element triots. Yes, the football team. And, yes, the safe money times throughout the course of the year. It never changes. of interest) to proceed further. Let’s do a recap. So far, we’ve is still on the Pats, and Stewie will be glad to take your You can imagine how tedious this can be. I give her a list of learned that I don’t take conversations imbued with academic money. Especially, y’know, since the Pats lost and you’d 101 reasons why I am studying what I am studying, the ex- themes very well. This exhaustion with academic conversa- be stupid to bet on them winning the Super Bowl. act day and time I changed my major, and so forth. (At the tion extends to my ambivalence toward some, but not all, If You Can Only Watch One: Smallville. C’mon, it’s end of the day she leaves knowing more facts about me than pre-meds. Third, my fabricated love interest with English, the first time they’ve every really killed a main charac- my academic advisor.) And of course the inevitable question as an attempt to shed myself of any scientific friends, came ter. No, Jason Teague does not count—his whole crappy that keeps resurfacing on every senior’s plate, “So what are at a cost — the revelation of my overall poor writing skills. season was just an audition tape for Supernatural. you doing again after graduation?” This part I am more than At the end of the day, my life isn’t so bad, but we like to pre- prepared to answer (in fact I’ve gotten ample opportunity tend it is. Sometimes it becomes an exercise of comparison, to do so) and often try different responses on people to test “No you won’t believe how much work I have!” When I hear their reactions. Most people respect your wishes of ill-defined those comments floating around Locust, I always have to ask goals and never probe your ambiguous answers any further, myself, relative to what? Relative to last week? The kid next but Person X insists on asking follow-up questions. I not only to you in Soc 137? Relative to the first two years of college? need to explain what I’m going to be doing ten years down the Relative to your little brother who is seven years old? I am not line, I need to answer why. Her obsession with my academic immune to the “work bitching” either. Half the time I am the plans reminds me why I was never pre-med in the first place. girl who is bitching about the unnecessary amount of work I My second problem as I’ve come to realize is that I’ve inevita- have. Maybe this is why pre-med kids flock to me like a moth bly surrounded myself with pre-med friends. My inner circle whores toward a light source. I give off the notion of empathy. consists of BBB majors and bioengineers who are 99.9% pre- Come to think of it, no one put a gun to my head to take five med. Being pre-med is an identity, bitch, deal with it. Hell, units on average every semester. This was entirely by my own I was happy to find out my random roommate this year was volition. And the last time I checked, Penn was a school, not an Econ major, until she later revealed she was doing a dual- a sanctuary. Maybe I’ll leave the whining to the people who major of Chem on the side. Evil. At that point, I started to know it best: the heiresses and the artists. After all, who am miss my former roommate of two years whose Wharton jar- I to complain? gon made no sense to me and somehow put me temporarily at peace with myself. I didn’t think hanging out with pre-med Pauline Park is a senior in the College. You can write to her at kids was such a big deal at first and some of these kids (do not paulinep@lsas

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firstcallismTHE INCREDIBLE, EDIBLE TURKEY EGG:TO BE ENJOYED WITH CRANBERRIES, OR NOT AT ALL Yue Wu is a freshman in Wharton. You can write to her at yuewu@sas. JANUARY 23, 2006 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO.10 PAGE 7 GUILTY IN INK BY ADREYO SEN

AS A RECENT CONVERT to the cult of the the upper-middle class defendant takes three glar-serial killer Gary Evans. Phelps holds up on characterizing her as an evil monster. crime novel, I spent my long hours alone dur- baths a day in the prison because she wants the obviously unscrupulous tactics of James On the other hand, when Claudine Lon- ing the Winter Break reading, amongst oth- the other inmates—uneducated and poten- Horton—such as playing mind games with get murdered Spider Sabich, writers decided ers, the non-fiction of former Seattle police- tially violent—to Evans’ girlfriend to portray the premeditated murder as a love woman Ann Rule. admire her body. and using her to story gone wrong because of the defendant’s There is a certain ghoulish tendency in all Those who capture him and looks. The result? Acquitted by the popular of us, as a result of which we pursue the sen- have seen coverage bailing Evans out press, she was allowed to walk free by an in- sation of thrill vicariously through the sordid of the Jon Benet of jail for minor fluenced court. page three accounts of extramarital cavorting Ramsey case will crimes—as model True crime novels make a fascinating read. and the crime news. I do not think society remember how her behavior for an However, they are both informed by—and has really changed since Roman subjects parents were cruci- investigator. inform—public prejudice. It is in this light gathered to see criminals (or anyway, those fied by the media The rendition that I find their skewed nature reprehen- who had confessed) quartered by horses and despite all the evi- of the tragic story sible. Their characterization of a criminal is tortured in other ingenious ways in the pub- dence showing that of Andrea Yates is the lasting impression of that person a reader lic arena. The only difference now is that the the murder had equally tasteless. will receive. While the criminal is indeed arena is a virtual one linking the reader to the been committed Andrea Yates, suf- guilty of his crimes, this culpability cannot crime and its prosecution through the book by an outsider. It fering from post- be extended to a vilification of every aspect of and the Internet. is media hype that partum psychosis, his character. A murderer is not necessarily It is because of this ghoulish tendency has convinced the is unable to dis- an egomaniac. It is also the duty of a crime that crime fiction tends to be written with average American tinguish fantasy writer to bring forward those pieces of evi- certain prejudices—and writers subtly craft that they are guilty from reality. Her dence that shed doubt on a person’s guilt in their accounts in accordance with these prej- of the crime. Our motivation to kill his book. And most importantly, he should udices. Caitlin Rother, in her book on Kristin search for titilla- her three children not indulge in painting a word-portrait of the Rossum and her murder of husband Greg tion makes it easy is her belief that criminal’s heartlessness without any support- DeVillers is personally convinced of Rossum’s to be convinced she is not a good ing evidence. guilt—because Rossum is a drug addict. of someone’s guilt mother and that Did anyone see Ann Rule’s latest work? Hence, she skims over powerful evidence that with very little evidence. she needs to be punished by their death. De- Greg committed suicide. She also tries to Take for instance, Phelps’ Every Move spite the fact that both the prosecution and link Rossum’s behavior after her trial to her you Make, which covers the cat-and-mouse the defense acknowledged that she was se- Adreyo Sen is a sophomore in the College. You can supposed narcissism. She even suggests that game of investigator James Horton and bur- verely mentally ill, countless writers insisted write to him at [email protected]. BRIGGS Medium Sudoku #17 Continued from PAGE 1 Rhoda LaFace. “I don’t know if I should help you, lady,” I remarked, stuff- ing pancakes into my mouth. “Please? I can’t go to the police, they’ll ar- rest him,” she pleaded. She looked at me like I was the only person in her life that could ever save her from a world of sin. But I wasn’t. I was just another scuzz- ball, skimming the shit-cream off of the top scum-pond to sell to people for money. It wasn’t pretty, but a PI has gotta do what he can to get by. Mostly that means blackmail, in bottled shit-cream form. She was reluctant because she had something to hide, which was dangerous for both of us. But I couldn’t let a broad stay unprotected, no matter what I wanted to do. Something about those eyes…well, it makes you wanna be a better man, slightly more noble. “Alright I gotta take a dump. When I get back, we’ll start figuring out how to find your brother,” I said, getting up. She followed me to the bathroom though. She looked great in red. Her breasts were soggy, like the waffles I had for breakfast this morning. Probably the humidog. We finished dinner a half hour later and I walked back to the office. Suddenly the smog didn’t look so bad. Never did when I was on the job. But I knew what would happen, and I knew who Rhonda LaFace ran with. I was going straight up against Larry Feduccino, a fatty anti-pasto of a gangster who had most of the lower south side in his pocket. And his pockets were deep. He had his tailor cut them like that. It was gonna be a long night. And I was long overdue for some really bad luck. Easy Sudoku #15 Hard Sudoku #16 I got home around ten that night after trying to track down Rhonda. Three thugs were waiting outside my place. “We heard you been asking questions,” one said, flipping a switchblade in his hands. “AI!” He screamed and dropped the blade as he caught the wrong end. “You better not be asking questions. You know who doesn’t like questions?” The second one said. “We don’t.” answered the third. “But you just asked me a question,” I said. “When?” Asked the first, wrapping his hand in his shirt. “That’s another,” I pointed out. “Mickey, are you asking questions again?” The second one said. “I didn’t ask it! You did!” said Mickey, hopping up and down with anger. “Hey, can I go home now?” I asked, finally. “No more questions!” they all said, and charged. I pulled out my gun. I was still out of bullets. Guess I wasn’t overdue after all. to be continued... Mike Weingarth is a junior in the College. You can write to him at mweingar@sas. THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | JANUARY 23, 2006 VOL. VI NO. 10

THE MORAL MISHAP OF MUNICH ADAM GOODMAN | ONE LAST GOOD MAN ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY one point, a member of the team, disillusioned with his role information, is what fuels most of his doubts regarding his calls it “spectacularly gripping in the assassinations, accusingly rebukes Avner that “We’re mission. and unsettling.” Roger Ebert Jews...Jews don’t do wrong because our enemies do wrong... To be fair, the film opens with the words “Inspired by Real raves that it’s “an act of courage we’re supposed to be righteous. That’s a beautiful thing.” Fine, Events” plastered emphatically across the screen. All of this and conscience.” Slate’s David but why should Spielberg be blamed for simply telling a true begs the question: To what, if anything, does Spielberg owe Edelstein declares it “the most story? the truth? What does he owe to the eleven murdered Israeli potent, the most vital, the best That’s where it gets complicated. athletes? What does he owe to the real Mossad agents who did movie of the year.” Munich is based on Vengeance, a book written in 1984 by in fact avenge them? What does he owe to the deceased Golda Indeed, the movie indus- Canadian journalist George Jonas. The movie fairly accurately Meir whom Spielberg uses as a prop for statements, such as try’s literati are abuzz with follows the themes and characters of the book: disillusion- “Every civilization finds it necessary to negotiate compromises praise for Steven Spielberg’s most recent film Munich. It will ment, the human toll of being an assassin, the mysterious un- with its own values,” (is Israel not to entitled to defend her- be shocking, despite the strong year for high-brow cinema, if derground, amoral intelligence agency Le Group which Avner self?)? In this sense, Munich asks far more interesting ques- Munich doesn’t garner at least a few of the major Academy hires to find him locations. Unfortunately, problems arise tions about a moviemakers’ duty to the truth than the morality Award nominations which will be released on January 31st. when we examine the credibility of Vengeance. Jonas’s source or effectiveness of counter-terrorism. The title refers to the infamous 1972 Munich Olympics mas- was Yuval Aviv—an Israeli who claimed to be a former Mossad But let’s ignore that for a second. sacre. The movie opens with a haunting reenactment of the member. In the past 15 years Aviv has been exposed as a con- Let’s assume that there is nothing fundamentally wrong tragic kidnappings and murders of eleven Israeli athletes at spiracy theorist and a fraud. Zvi Amir, who headed the Mossad with telling a story in the way one sees fit, regardless of the the hands of Black September, a Palestinian terrorist group . from 1968-74 has said that he does not know anyone named truth. Working within that context, what are the merits of Spielberg cleverly intersperses his re-creation of the event with Yuval Aviv, nor did such a man ever work for Mossad. Most Spielberg’s message and the film as a whole? I think I would real archival footage of the late Peter Jennings covering the notably, Aviv was caught on both sides of the 1988 Lockerbie have liked Munich far more (if not actually liked it) if I hadn’t hostage situation. The sequence closes with sportscaster Jim bombing lawsuit when he prepared a report exonerating Pan read anything Spielberg, Tony Kushner (the activist-screen- McKay disbelievingly informing us that “They’re all gone.” Am Airlines of negligence, but not before approaching victims’ writer), or co-producer Kathleen Kennedy had said regarding The title of the movie is somewhat of a misnomer, how- families with supposed proof of Pan Am’s negligence. In fact, a their project. In my biases, I probably would have taken what ever, as the main focus of Munich is the aftermath of the mas- writer by the name of Rinker Buck received an advance from I wanted to out of the film. Unfortunately for me, and perhaps sacre. Simon and Schuster to write the same book before Jonas did, them, they indeed spoke out. Very publicly. We cut to Israel to find Prime Minister Golda Meir (played but Buck called off the deal when he found out that his source Spielberg told Time that “a response to a response doesn’t by Lynn Cohen) and her cabinet struggling with their op- (Aviv) “was changing his story daily.” really solve anything. It just creates a perpetual motion ma- tions for possible retaliation. Meir eventually decides that Is- Factual inaccuracies are abundant in Munich. For in- chine,” and went on to describe the movie as “a prayer for rael must “Forget peace for now. We have to show them we’re stance, in the movie, Avner’s team is deliberately cut off from peace.” Kushner, not to be outdone, told the Israeli newspaper strong.” Munich tells the story of the Mossad team (Israel’s in- contact with Mossad headquarters (apparent “standard pro- Haaretz last year that Zionism “was not the right answer,” that telligence agency), which is dispatched to assassinate the mas- tocol”) and is forced to rely on the shady Le Group. According the creation of the State of Israel was “a mistake,” and that “es- terminds of the massacre. Spielberg has caught a lot of flak to Aaron J. Klein, a captain in the intelligence branch of the tablishing a state means f****** people over.” for doggedly humanizing the targets of the assassinations and Israeli Defense Force and Time’s Jerusalem correspondent, if Indeed, Kushner’s views on Israel and Zionism are evident for allegedly suggesting moral equivalence between the terror- Le Group did ever exist (and it’s doubtful that it did) it would throughout the movie. Munich can imagine no reason or ne- ists and the Mossad team. The team, led by Eric Bana’s Avner never have been employed by Mossad—an agency which col- cessity for the State of Israel beyond anti-Semitism. We are (in a strikingly un-Hulk-like performance), is to varying de- lects all of its own intelligence and would have been in constant constantly told by minor characters throughout the film such grees plagued by doubts about the morality of their mission, contact with their agents in the field. This is highly significant as Avner’s mother and the head of Le Group that the Jews the legitimacy of Israel, and the culpability of their targets. At because Avner’s reliance on Le Group, and not Mossad, for were forced to create Israel because of persecution. Spoiler alert: This may explain why the movie ends in such an of- fensive and unnecessary way, with a paranoid Avner accus- ing Israeli higher-ups of going after his family. He proceeds FC:YOUR NEXT SUMMER INTERN to abandon Israel for Brooklyn, and Spielberg, with shock- ing audacity, pans out with a prominent shot of the Twin SEBASTIAN JONATHAN CRAWFORD, III Towers looming in the background. Think what you will. 4125 Locust Walk While this view is problematic for supporters of Israel, Philadelphia, PA 19104 the movie fails primarily for the same reason it has garnered so many accolades: its supposed courage in its refusal to Reginald Stanfy take sides. In a round-table discussion which was published in Foreign Policy magazine, Kathleen Kennedy boasts that J.P. Stanley Investments the makers of Munich “spent an enormous amount of time 690 Park Avenue talking about being balanced.” While objectivity may be an New York, NY 10000 admirable goal, the film drowns in its supposed even-hand- Saturday Night, January 21, 2006, 11:52 pm edness. Dear Mr. Stanfy, The balance Kennedy referred to seemed to manifest itself in the form of straining to find parallels between the I was really excited when I read in the Wall Street Journal that your company recently laid off terrorists and the Israelis. Palestinians kill and Israelis kill. 18,000 United States jobs and offshored them to Bangalore. I know this means that you now have a Palestinians have cute little daughters and Israelis have cute few spots available for a summer intern to help you with your investment banking needs. I‛m enclosing little daughters. Palestinians translate Arabian Nights into Italian and Israelis cook gourmet meals. Palestinians opine my resume to wholeheartedly prove that passing up on my unique, extensive repertoire of skills would about their need for just a little piece of land they may call be a monumental detriment to your company. I‛m a junior at the Wharton School of the University of home and Israelis opine about their need for just a little Pennsylvania majoring in Finance and minoring in East Asian Dance. piece of land they may call home. This moral equivalence climaxes in a ludicrously contrived scene in which that As you will see, my work experience at Hemo‛s Lunch Truck and my internship last summer at my daddy‛s clever Le Group has orchestrated it such that the Mossad company really taught me about struggle, determination, perseverance and respect. Every time I team is forced to share a room with PLO operatives for a dropped a bun at Hemo‛s, I picked it right back up four hours later. This taught me to respect the night. At first they quarrel, but they end up going to sleep customer and to stay strong, never surrender. I also bore the wisecracks for being the boss‛s son with to the soothing tunes of Al Green’s “Let’s Get Together.” The the dignity of an Alaskan Salmon farmer in the middle of Winter. What does this all mean? Me + J.P. message is clear: We’re all human here…if only we could get along, this would all just go away. Perhaps true, but stupidly Stanley Investments = extreme investment banking prowess. idealistic and irrelevant. Kushner leaves it to the moviegoer to realize that while While I have been incredibly serious about my past jobs, like my Hemo‛s engagement, I also have a the terrorists’ and Mossad’s methods of killing may con- lighthearted side. I‛ve been told that my Tourette‛s can really help my teams make it through stressful verge, their targets do not in the slightest. Sure one group situations. Late at night, when we‛re in our windowless, white cubicles, cranking out spreadsheets, is killing innocents and the other is avenging their deaths, you can count on me to scream obscenities at random. If our clients ever make unreasonable demands, but as syndicated columnist Mona Charen notes, the movie I‛ll start to twitch like a pre-pubescent boy at a middle school dance. seems to ask “Does it really matter?” Yes, Tony. It does. In its desperation to not take a point of view, Munich Wherever there is a spreadsheet that needs caressing, I‛ll be there. Wherever the clock strikes 5 and mires itself in dishonesty and moral relativism. By doing so, the movie becomes an apology for terrorists and a naïve it‛s time to go home, I‛ll be there. criticism of counter-terrorism. Despite this, Munich is a technically well-crafted film I‛m Sebastian Crawford, and I want to be YOUR investment banker. which keeps you on the edge of your seat for its full 164 minutes. Eric Bana and much of the supporting cast turn Cheerio, in impressive performances. But all the expert acting and Sebastian Crawford masterful directing in the world cannot save Munich from its moral confusion. I, for one, hope that Munich enjoys no Oscar glory this year. *1/2

Excellence. Humility. Grit. Sebastian. Adam Goodman is a freshman in the College. You can write to him at adamlg@sas. Anna Stetsovskaya and Lauren Saul are juniors in Wharton. Nuff said.