140 esquire • november 2011 depression the options esquire mental health 2011 anger anxiety - 141 -

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he he Will Courtenay Will the Upside Upside the Anger of Downside If you’re feeling chal- lenged or threatened, signals in your brain tell the adrenal glands on top of your kidneys to start pumping corti- sol, adrenaline, and oth- er catecholamines into your bloodstream. When reaches the adrenaline heart,- it beatsyour fast the rush you er and gives need to conquer you action. and take fears . . . And T When these biological ir by triggered are events thoughts insteadrational angerof actual threats, Orcan morph into rage. what technically is known Intermittent E as IED, When a Disorder. plosive he los- IED goes off, guy’s Somethinges control. gets smashed or broken, or someone gets hurt It wreaks or threatened. home and on your havoc up your and may life work heart disease andrisk for high blood pressure. — - - ere’s what you need to to need you what ere’s apable of apable But there is no real agony in these moments. No No moments. these in agony real no is there But after I left parents’ my Years a story. rage Here’s my my father splinter a wooden squash racket with a single hard swing bench. against a locker-room tomahawk blind strokes, Thirteen again. swing Then me, and stump ragged a holding him leaving chops, cow I Yeah, splinters. of full lap a with down, head emotionally. me slammed It ered. fa- my to came rage that sensed always I all. at agony own your to in Giving abandon. of whiff a with ther anger of kind the than ecstasy like more far is rage exploding. before festers that Ala- Northport, in duplex cheap a in lived I house, gone who’d friend a from sublet a out nagging bama, I before morning, First girlfriend. new his with off That strength certainly scared scared certainly strength That ¶ - his anger are c are anger his typography by hawaii design hawaii typography by damages by tom chiarella tom by Dying to Be Men: Psychosocial, Environmental, and Biobehavioral Directions in Promoting the Health of Men and Boys. and Men of Health the Promoting in Directions Biobehavioral and Environmental, Psychosocial, Men: Be to Dying hat a man and man a what At seventeen, At my father bench-pressed 310 pounds I when later, YMCA.Years Brooklyn a at living while grab refrigerator, a lift him watched I seventeen, was know to prevent it from happening—and what you need to do if it already has. already it if do to need you what happening—and from it prevent to know who the hell isn’t? but what can start out as feeling pissed-off, on edge, or very, very, or edge, on pissed-off, feeling as out start can what but isn’t? hell the who very tired can quickly become rage, anxiety, and depression. H depression. and anxiety, rage, become quickly can tired very Sometimes that train pulled in and rage—the really rage—the and in pulled train that Sometimes bing it like a dance partner, holding it eight inches off the ground the off inches eight it holding partner, dance a like it bing cord. power tangled the up free to underneath reached I while much and forty-four, was He guy. Strong it. about calm was He be. ever would I than stronger me every now and then. Me: dope, stumblebum, lousy - stu needed I liar. prevaricator, dent, father— My out. straightening A psychotherapist who specializes in men’s mental health, he has served on the clinical faculty in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Harvard at psychiatry of department the in faculty clinical the on served has he health, mental men’s in specializes who psychotherapist A Courtenay: About Will of author the is and School Medical ty sarcasm. His anger was as simple as a dark look, look, dark a as simple as was anger His sarcasm. ty a of sound the like distance, a from if as me at thrown station. the at arrive actually day one might that train where kind the control, of loss unadulterated naked, ta- smashed, mirrors thrown, dishes made, is noise watched and sat once I town. to tossed—came bles architect, builder, more tradesman than draftsman— than tradesman more builder, architect, silence, of beat glance, nasty a with me tame could pet some behind anger deeper a of hint merest the anger 142 in a rage on the driveway of an old house in Rochester, New York. when I was an adult, just a few years before he died. It happened ute tomy father, whowas beatenasaboy. He hitmeonlyonce, not. I could not. I stayed close to rage. Sometimes that’s the point. awayyourself.Protectanger.Get run. blind from one: did I But that it can reach out and choke you. Now, as then, I would tell any portant cities. It is stronger when proximate, when close enough and played out in dingy apartments in the acute corners of unim- ater, meant for seeing. True rage is private, roiling up inexplicably, like in a movie, under a single lightbulb. That’s not rage. That is the this throat. This was the voice of rage. “Tanya!” neth had left with—making a sound that came from every part of not here,” I shouted. Then he called for the woman, the one Ken - neth!” He put his hands on the wall hole and gave it a yank. “He’s guy I later learned they called Metro. “Kenneth!” he said. “Ken - straight through the plaster wall right to the elbow. ed back, “I’m not him! Kenneth’s not here!” Then a bloody fist shot lath. Then a voice: “Kenneth!” calling for my friend. And I shout waywashis pounding through wall. heardthe crackingI the of ward, belching one little chip of plaster onto my chest. Someone yelling, issuing a throaty horn of pain. Then the wall popped for him hear could I betweenus.wall the against up cement of bag ment on the floor. Then it seemed he might be throwing that same aroundrepeatedlying if as apartment, his dropping ce of bag a ESQUIRE was even out of bed, I woke to the sound of the neighbor crash- The rage I grew up with was never any danger, which is a trib Maybe you’ve seen angry men fighting at the end of a dark alley, black a him, of sawever I all that’s hole: the against eye His QUIZ speed up, make anillegalpass.( up thepace. (0) about itandenjoy theride. (–10 him. You: going way tooslow, andyou can’t pass You’re stuckdrivingbehindaguywhois ever heard. ( see, thisguycutmeoff . . .( frame ofmind? How would you your describe current esquire or psychologist. and abouthow you You wantothers. to hurt find yourself beingruledby your anger—sometimes even irrationally. Seeadoctor sometimes usethreatening bodylanguage—like thrusting apointed fingeroraclutched fistat You others. thinkaboutretaliation 31 ormore: You’re angry. You’re frequently strugglingto keep from losingit.People have told you you’re intimidating andthat you and you’ve beentold that youfly off easily thehandle. can You might want talk to someoneaboutit. ior isn’t outof control, tell butthat otherscan you’re orgrouchy. irritable Sometimesyou surprise yourself by how you get, angry can 16 to 30:You’re pissed off. You’ll find frequentlyyourself getting mad at yourself, your coworkers, or the world ingeneral. Your behav of you, but you don’t on. actonthat impulse.Thisis normal.Carry 1 to 15: You get annoyed, but mostofyou thetime, keep that angerinsideof you. You want to yell at theguywhojustcutinlinefront orless:You0 points exhibit anunnatural intheface of calm adversity andconflict.Namaste. Answer Key Lean onyour horn,andifhedoesn’t Work thehornalittleandhopehepicks Recognize there’s nothingyou cando I’ve question Thatisthestupidest Kind ofpissed,actually. Yesterday, Fine, thankyou. (–5) 7 ) • november angry? (Select whichanswers apply, thenaddupthe assigned points.) are you 2) )

2) 2011

voice tosomeone,onlyregret itlater? When was thelasttimeyou raised your ass off. What doIcare? (–5) usual. ( that apply.) How thismake does you feel? all (Choose making thatillegalpass.( I’ve ever heard. ( the wholething.(–2 last year. $61,000,000 This manmade You know what?Seacrestworks his Myare fists clenched.( ispounding faster My heart than Myare muscles tensing.(3) My face feels hot.( There’s apitinmy stomach.( Scream, “Screw you, Grandma!” while Actually, that question isthestupidest Yesterday—and Idon’t regret it.( Lastweek—and Ifelt pretty badabout Ican’t remember. (–10 4) 7 ) - - - - - ) 2) then. I sure wish for it now. agony.his of grip the downwith me again ragehis for wished I I wanted it for him. I wished he could pull me closer and choke would have made splinters of the world. He would have stormed. a thousand benches a thousand times each, had he been able. He But just then he would have swung a thousand squash rackets into From domesticoutside, slip-and-fall. you couldn’t rage.the see you would have thought the two of us to be the fallout of a quiet in his failing body and in an ever-shrinking life. From a distance, back. But I just knelt, rubbed my neck, tried to stay conscious. me in the neck. Hard, too. Hard enough that I wanted to hit him Seconds later, I knelt over him, said his first name, and he cuffed stairs, after which he lost his balance and crumpled next to the car. a lot to be mad about. mad he was. By then, and in the years that followed, my dad had he might be of a mind to crush my windpipe—that’s exactly how teeth. “Just don’t!” And I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. I thought ble Aramis cologne and see his dental work gleaming between his that I had to respect it. “Don’t!” he said. I could smell his sensi- er left hand. His right hand shot up and grabbed me by the throat. was around the door when I tried to grab the keys from his weak he couldn’t drive, and he cursed me out. He got the car open and how got hold of the keys and went out to the car. I reminded him strokes and was no longer allowed to drive. One afternoon he some It was the last time I ever saw him really angry. He’d had several ) 5) My dad didn’t do one thing except stare at the empty sky, trapped So he shoved me and I flew from the icy driveway to the cement He had me in enough of a grip, with the car door between us, 5) 2) 5) unsaid. (–5) served it.( say thattomy face. ( my behavior. ( interesting. ( on toablowtorch. Thenthingsmightget my skin.( bite your tongue? Do you ever feel theneedto in aphysical altercation? When was thelasttimeyou were involved cannon? Have you ever aloose beencalled ter aconflictwithsomeone? Do you ever fantasize aboutretaliation af Now why inthehellwould Idothat?( Sure. Somethingsare betterleft Yesterday, andtoday’s notover yet. ( Within thepastyear, andthatguyde- Iwas twelve. (–5) Right.Like anybody isstupidenoughto Yes, andItookitasacompliment. (3) Yes, anditmademethinktwice about Nope. (–5) First, I’d withpliers.Then,I’d start move Allthetime. Somethingsjustgetunder Not really. Life’s (–8 tooshort. 4) 5) 20 1 ) ) 8 ) ) - 10) 5) - - - the options esquire mental health 2011 anxiety depression - 143 W. C. eo-

he — ou’re tensing up, tensing up, ou’re So what causes it? the Upside Upside the anxietyof Downside ay you’re putting final you’re Say touches- on a presenta tion. Y a lit- stomach’s and your still tle upset, but you got things you’ve feel This is under control. to a normal reaction exactly and it’s stress, needed to moti- what’s best. to do your you vate . . . And T giving the you’re Say but same presentation, in con- feel don’t you panicking, trol—you’re and you focus, can’t you consider avoiding even the meeting altogeth- That is anxiety gone er. painful and it’s haywire, and unproductive. - relat Anxiety is always more or, ed to the brain - the amyg specifically, - dala, which is responsi and processing ble for storing memories asso- ciated with emotional anx events—including or iety and the “fight P flight” response. ple with an overactive a have may amygdala to heightened response which can cause fear, - dra anxiety, increased in blood matic spikes and damage pressure, heart and to your kidneys. - - - - eople jump eople P ¶

ourself ou Just Just ou It looks softer. softer. looks It The truth is, if you were totally positive that you you that positive totally were you if is, truth The

jump off that bridge because them it an gives out side chance of living. The bridge takes the matter decision their not it’s though as hands, their of out all were this if live, to meant were they If anymore: sur would they maybe then mistake, terrible some for possible possible—it’s it’s but unlikely, It’s vive. off jump to himself, kill to aiming man a even man, a and velocity, a such at angle, an such at bridge that it. by embraced but water the by exploded be not then certain, percent 100 were you if die, to wanted bul- a shooting it: guarantee to ways better are there side) to side but back, to front (not brain your into let with but standing, (not tracks train on down lying or your head resting on a rail) or jumping off some with thing a higher, harder landing. If you really could do sleep it. But you to kill yourself, wanted ing pills, carbon jumping monoxide, off the Gold- en Gate Bridge—those methods, more peaceful, ¶ k up your stuff? your up ck - - - pa ays, Y ays, ould by chris jones chris by ome D ome ho w who But S Want to Kill Y Kill to Want The middle of the Golden Gate Bridge is 220 feet above feet 220 is Bridge Gate Golden the of middle The some in that than higher looks It Bay. Francisco San ways. other in high that nearly seem doesn’t It ways. And strangely, perhaps, many of them And probably strangely, mantic feeling, and that maybe for the first time in time first the for maybe that and feeling, mantic On there. alone so feel don’t suicidal the lives, their that bridge, they’re finally part of something, this ev dozens the by growing army, vanquished massive on stood who specters and ghosts those year—all ery city, the to water the over out looked who railing, that and eyes their closed who it, of sounds the heard who back fell or forward tipped and arms their spread jumped—now really and knees their flexed or ward splashes of thousands the of one become to destined one into folding circles concentric those all below, fish. leaping many so by made though as another, It doesn’t hurt that it’s such a pretty spot, and it’s ro it’s and spot, pretty a such it’s that hurt doesn’t It off that particular bridge for a lot of reasons. Maybe most im- most Maybe reasons. of lot a for bridge particular that off Death convenient. it’s portant, - rail The waiting. there, right is ing is only four feet tall; the fall is only four seconds long. The water, from 220 feet—the water that’s straight down, at least— at down, straight that’s water feet—the 220 from water, The than blue more looks It air. like more and water like less looks is. it than warmer looks It green. anxiety anger 144 did, which made me wonder whether I was the root of their col- friends of mine talked about being depressed—and a lot of them on that day when I was bitten in the face by a pig. When certain was almost always in some benign, vaguely pleasant middle, even steady. My friends used to joke about my lack of emotional range. I seemed like exactly the right thing to do. employee, a maid or a concierge? send them home? Would the police do that, or would it be a hotel corner folded over, page 164. Who would pack up my clothes and room counter, my half-finished book on the nightstand, with its things, too: my suitcase in my hotel room, my glasses on the bath- tic plates or playing in their inflatable pool, and more inanimate plas- little their on havinghome,dinner maybe back their sons looked at the water, and I thought about my parents, my wife, my just like them, except that my eyes were pointed straight down. I pretty everything was, pointing to spots on the horizon. I looked standing all around me, tourists ice-cream-eating thinking how become suspicious or try to stop me. There were smiling people the railing and tried not to cry, choking on it so that no one would ago. I thought all those things when I pulled myself tight against bridge one sunny, nearly perfect day in June more than three years different kind of escape. might open your eyes and be alive. There’s that tiny chance for a ESQUIRE more serene, also provide that chance, however slim, that you But mostly, I thought about jumping off that bridge because it that of middle the in stood I when things those all thought I QUIZ make you? picture this does How nervous Are you decisive? coffee nervous. ( Casey Anthony trial.(–5) esquire of losingcontrol. You aboutthingsover losesleepworrying whichyou have nocontrol. Seeadoctor orpsychologist. 31 ormore: You’re You anxious. experience sudden terror of You something races. terrible happeningandyour heart have adeepfear work. You mightwant to talk someoneaboutit. with aconflictoranissue even afterit’s beenresolved. You are sometimesoverly concerned withthingslike money, issues,or health 16 to 30:You’re You onedge. have trouble concentrating. You often have troubleYou makingdecisions. have trouble makingpeace on. things you control. Carry can 1 to 15: You get stressed out.You’ve got alot goingon,but you ultimately feel like you’re ontop ofyou it.Plus, onlyaboutthe worry orless:What,0 points you, worry? Answer Key Usually, butIlike my taking timeto Yes. (–5) Ijustpeedalittle. ( Alittlebit.Thatwoman couldmake Not atall.Shewas hilariousduringthe For more than thirty years, I had been the definition of definition the been had years,I Forthirty than more I can’t tell you when anxious? • november 2) Grace TK picofNancy (Select whichanswers apply, thenaddupthe 4) assigned points.) are you

2011 or how the blackness started.

I canhave adrink.(3) el head. (–10 el head. atstress theoffice? How doyou withmajor normallydeal busy worrying aboutglobalwarming. ( usually takes meawhilebecauseI’m too anyway. ( I can’t doanything aboutitandIworry right now. ( to sleep. (–5) night andlay awake worrying? Do you ever wake upinthemiddleof strangers. ( allthat apply.)dread? (Choose Which ofthefollowing provokes of asense needs adrink.( nobody findsme. (6) weigh pros andcons.(0) Itake deepbreathstokeep andtry alev That’s assumingIgettosleepatall.It Yes, andtheworst isthatIknow part I count the minutes till5:00 Icounttheminutes Yes, butI’ve gotalotonmy plate Nope. IfIwake upatall,Igorightback I’m notsure. ( Speaking infront Speaking ofalarge group of Forget 5:00. Amanneedsadrink, he Iduckintothecopy room andhope 5) 2) 2) ) 10) 5) scrolls of intricate squares and rectangles. My stories looked like each sentence and paragraph until they fit inside these great long the margin. I wrote entire stories that way, writing and rewriting of letters and words and spaces so that they landed precisely on but by writing each sentence with exactly the right combination hand side of the page—not by some artificial, mechanical means, one day and suddenly I had to have each line justified on the right- so I never left. Something tripped in my writing, too. I sat down was impossible for me to know when that one perfect time was, er departure time meant some disaster awaited. But of course it when, if I left just then, my day would go smoothly, and every oth- the house, because I’d decided that there was one perfect time— fection. There was a period when I couldn’t bring myself to leave gone slightly askew. I developed obsessions, weird ideas of per before the bridge. It surfaced at first in little hiccups and tics, a life thing. It must have been sometime that past fall or winter, months sion and go outside. that doesn’t make me any less sad.” friends would always look at me and say something like, “Yes, but about? The Habs game was about to come on. cupboards, beer in the fridge. What did they have to be depressed and loved; they had good prospects, cute girlfriends, food in the age of the world’s population. My friends were smart and healthy all you are—then you’re already in some tiny privileged percent lity and disgust. If you’re a white North American male—if that’s lective problems—my reaction fell somewhere between incredu- Whenever it was that my own blackness took hold, I didn’t feel a Oh, spare me, I remember thinking. Stop listening to Joy Divi- say,would I myAfrica,” and in children starving are “There p . m . so 8 ) - to relax?” ( and Armageddon.Andyou’re tellingme I’m between theonlyonestanding us little. ( and Irealized Ineededtocalmdown a to relax. (–6) too. ( don’t know well. particularly (6) know onlythehost.( your life? Who would play you inamovie of down?calm other askedor significant you to When was thelasttimeyour boss Do you regularly biteyour nails? AnolderJonah Hill( Ayoung Woody Allen.( Ayoung Brad Pitt(–5) Ayoung Jeff(–10 Bridges Lastweek, butItold them,“Listen: Lastyear. We talked aboutitlike adults, Never. I’m theoneusuallytellingthem . . . And Ibitetheskinaround my nails, ’Fraid so. ( Nope. (–5) Idon’t minddoingany ofthat.(–2 Makingwithacoworker smalltalk you Attending where adinnerparty you 8 1 ) ) 10) 5) 4) 10) 5) ) ) - - the options esquire mental health 2011 anxiety depression

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ums and Dorment ou accept our bosses, ou pop a T Richard ou decide to go back — continued on page on [continued then there is is there then out and out ou focus single-mindedly on doing ou focus ou can’t lose control. ou can’t ou look at your worry a hundred different different a hundred worry ou look at your ou no longer worry. ou can’t just have a drink. The only thing stop- just have ou can’t re. Flying. ou. Are. his is something else. something else. is This something d stresse feeling is There Or maybe, remembering that day now, from such a great men- great a such from now, day that remembering maybe, Or think I or planets the of think I spot, good usual my in I’m When ou give up control. Y up control. ou give most most certain that I been would have just a few inches below rush first that felt have would I railing—that sun-warmed that feel- the stomach, my in drop elevator opening that and wind of been have would I times—when many so imagined I’d that ing those four by overwhelmed For seconds regret. it would have anything given have would I believe I feet, 220 fall to me taken fly. to able be to world the in re in Maybe way. that felt have would I hope just I distance, tal on flat land to tried and around myself twisted have would I ality my blow and spine my break to damage, the increase to back my I’m later, years these all now, even Maybe chest. my of out ribs tempo a just bad, so wasn’t it that myself convince to trying still black. pitch was it Because was. it what than rather stumble rary disap problems my make they and Mars, circle that moons the of But sky. the in lights little those God, of version my They’re pear. effect opposite the had Deimos and Phobos depressed, was I when rather joys my on but effect, same the had they me—actually, on the as massive as something of thought I Then, sorrows. my than one on crater one just it’s that remembered I and Crater, Stickney - van that challenges my wasn’t it and planet, one orbiting moon It dangerous. so is depression why That’s aspirations. my but ished belief turns It faith. of mockery a makes ou keep it together, and you hide it from everyone. Y everyone. hide it from and you it together, ou keep ou lie there, perfectly still and worrying, but it is not the low-grade not the low-grade but it is still and worrying, perfectly ou lie there, othing comes out, and you heave heave Nothing comes out, and you ou run to the toilet and heave. Y just relax. ou can’t ou go through this until you can’t any longer. Y longer. any can’t this until you ou go through Y Y Y Y Y eels Like Feels Anxiety Severe to oderate M What - ow you can sleep. you head. Now back to bed. There t’s alarm clock. It’s sound of your do not rouse with the sunrise or the You a can- as though shot from wake and you 3:19, it’s 2:02, midnight, it’s stomach in knots. It is dark, arms flailing, the air, non, speeding through and it is quiet. And. Y and coming out of no- rubbed raw It is worry or family. of work worries Or something you before. said the day About something you where. Y before. do the week didn’t ways, again and again. ways, and this body, the tension in your break The convulsions some more. stomach. Y and upsets your nerves both settles your Y the guys at the office. friends, your better at you this makes In a way, the day. getting through job and your . up the good work Keep and that is what people notice. job, your ping you from lashing out, or losing it, is your ability to control yourself, yourself, ability to control lashing out, or losing it, is your from ping you that. Y compromise can’t and you on your meds, six months since quitting them, because you figure it’s it’s figure six months since quitting them, because you meds, on your night. Y every better to be on pills than fly out of a cannon Y help. ------on the bridge, I at that man that at ooking back now back ooking L can hardly believe that was as me. It’s though I went Then life seemed to conspire against me, just when, gut of host a by plagued years, several for sick been I’d have should what was though, me, for part hardest The we’re and dreams, my of wife the is wife my that say can I Today, much as me love didn’t who woman a saw just I though, Then, My temper came next. Normally, it would take My me temper a came next. Normally, Leger ick Patr by ion Illustrat cer game, and I’m sure he still talks about the time this time the about talks still he sure I’m and game, cer fat keeper absolutely lost his shit. A tranquilizer dart teammates my of Three order. of out been have wouldn’t After, show. dumb for just not and back, me hold to had lived. he where out find to tried I reasons, spiritual or chemical or biological whatever for wrong, going started Everything fallen. had defenses my sur was I me. to way that looked everything least at or clubs. dragging giants by rounded be months few a surgery second a had just I’d troubles. tak and up carved me of section deep-fried another fore, hospital, the in back up ended I’d after, long not out; en away take to begin even didn’t that drugs with up filled the remains what writing of out come just I’d pain. the Car That Things “The life, my of story important most ried Him” May 2008), (Esquire, about how a soldier’s - ma so for it on working After Iraq. from back gets body the with coupled it, without aim my lost I’d months, ny grief- and morgues military to visits many so of weight same A paperback book I I wrote—the kitchens. heavy was supposed to go to San Francisco to promote that I what wasn’t it but exactly, failure, a been June—hadn’t any was much nothing because be, would it hoped had store. bulk Houston a in been had signing first My more. ketchup. of bottles huge the to next me sat They two our and wife my family, young new my best: the been few first the but this, admit to likes Nobody boys. young is child, second a especially born, is child a after months had we married, got I and Lee When hard. really really, ate We Pacific. South the to traveled We lives. blissful decadent, and children, have to trying started we Then bed. in cake vanilla we lost nearly two before and lost we we’d finally had Charley, to a heart. racing Then that him, came perpetual too, Sam win- baby little this was he Charley, Like child. perfect sweet, this ter, by sleepless already was I But thing. little amazing this elephant, chest my feel and night all awake lie I’d along. came he time the any get never I’d that feeling growing anxiety—this with vibrate Sam’s Now over. was life my of half good the that again, right thing ears. my in crashing cymbals like sounded night the in crying Charley for. hard so fought we boys beautiful two of parents the victories. our are Sam and two and anymore, all at me love didn’t she maybe did, once she as saw I and deserved, they father the have never would who boys that green and air like looked that water including else, everything and not but just for for blue, days months or like weeks, looked months. and months and long time to get angry, but now my anger rallied quickly quickly rallied anger my now but angry, get to time long his and bar a in clapping was guy A viciously. often and so clapping I bothered me, him dragged outside by his soc a during me into boots his dug guy Another beard. a serial killer had written them. written had killer serial a temporarily Goth. Jumping was nothing like the right thing to to thing right the like nothing was Jumping Goth. temporarily al- I’m possible. is as do to thing right the from far as was It do. anger Depression anxiety 146 killerofmen. leading disease—the to heart en tohave adirect link pression hasbeenprov from your past—butde- are unresolved traumas are commonly cited,as serotonin inthebrain unknown—low levels of pression, too. he’s experiencing de- at lunch.Goodchance ing toomany martinis coworkers, anddrink short-tempered withhis ty hours aweek, being guy who’s working six and thenthere’s the yes, very, very tired— and, worthlessness, feels hopelessness, it’s commonlyknown— depressionperiences as There’s theguywhoex T . . . And they becamedepressed. ter thanthey didbefore sion endupfeeling bet- symptoms ofdepres - habits torelieve their people whochangetheir ical problem. Plus,many withapsychologto deal - telling you thatyou need be your mind’s way of wrong, depression can know thatsomething’s body’s way oflettingyou cal symptoms are your The sameway physi- Downside of depression the Upside The exact are causes esquire — he he

• november W. C. - - - - broker, the accountant, and the diator, the several lawyers, the and separately, and to the me child therapists, both together expensive and visits time-consuming to the various adult and eoa gy te e-untr deliverymen new-furniture the guy,removal Salvationthe fromArmy,movers, truck the the ter trash- the miserations from well-meaning relatives and friends and relatives well-meaning from miserations age son cleaved in half nearly drained, his everyday custody of his own teen- remortgaged, his investment and pension accounts public notary ing years of alimony and “equalizing payments” yet rip upon opening. to it causing document, original precious the to ed that the adhesive from the envelope ended up bond- so carelessly by some lame government functionary honest-to-God rubber stamp, the paperwork folded an with decree, signed final the mail the in ceived es and of narcissism no-fault divorce and he had re been deconstructed so swiftly by the twin machet After all this—but not, of course,of not, this—but all After grudg the after

2011 . . hn cls n rtlig ad nfeta com- ineffectual and retellings and calls phone es ihs n axos dawns anxious and nights less sleep discoveries,the painful and lies the all After . after his house was retiled and retiled was house his after . the thin blue line bet . .

Depressed, Goddammit . . . after his familiar life had This Man is Not by mike sager ween S - - - - Depressive Disorder.” been changed. carrier informing him that his insurance rating had health-insurance his from letter a got come—he to at some point if not closely monitored. meds for his entire life. A man likely to kill himself requirepsychology.to abnormal likely his man A likely to be hospitalized for periods of time due to been branded a serious mental-health risk. A man ditional?) payment from the insurance company. (ad - visit—hadsought each of end the at check by tal counseling—$125 per fifty-minute session, paid adness and Due to a diagnosis of: “Affective Psychosis, Major From $1,000 a From Tier 1 to Tier 5. With one check on a standard billing form he’dform billing standard a on check oneWith er they’d seen together ten times for mari- Turns out the licensed depression quarter to $1,206 a

. . . fe al the all after . . . fe the after month. social work . . . af - - - esquire mental health 2011 depression the options - - - - 147 - - consid ) ) - Wil not depressed, ) ) ) 8 ) 5) ) 5) Friday Night Friday (Season one, 2006. and inexplicably recently You’ve often than more hungover You’re in at night than go stay rather You’d league and joined a basketball You’ve (–8 a marathon. for training You’re (–10 better. felt never You’ve (–10 Awesome (–2 Same as today. bummed just thinking about it. (10) I’m Lights.) (–2 cur applies to your Which of the following (Choose apply.) all that circumstances? rent ( gained weight. not. ( out with friends. ( (–4 people. met new going to be like? tomorrow What’s How do How you know not you’re theydepressed? be. need Shouldn’t you be Googling your symptoms and monitor and symptoms your Googling be you Shouldn’t Meanwhile, people he knew worried about him, climbed up into up climbed him, about worried knew he people Meanwhile, therapist? another See right? kidding, You’re run-over like felt he Sure, angry. very and sad very was he Sure, take? man a can much How to. has he as much as him: for answer one only was There as much As to. him needed sister his and mother his and son his as much As was He the man There the was of Patriarch. the family now, things the did He through. pushed on, carried up, manned He with day new the greeted he fail, without morning, every And the scissors away. Recycling the Shelving newspapers. Recycling dishes. the scissors away. up depending shades the lowering or Raising lunches. Making on the time of day. Changing passwords. Folding endless stacks stacks endless Folding passwords. Changing day. of time the on and dim television—the on Bingeing socks. Matching laundry. of timeless purgatory of on-demand viewing, a blessed mindless and consequences addictive particular or calories no with salve release. cathartic for opportunity of plenty wasn’t he why know to wanted They intentions. good with ass his seeking treatment. submitted. peo of Millions depressed. are really you case in signs vital your ing you? can’t Why help. get ple D big- not depressed, not was he But dogshit. for a moment did Never depressed. Cobain Kurt or Styron liam even he did nanosecond a for even Not suicide. of think he stay to fight a in was he like felt he anything, If it. considering er in- keep to goals, lifelong his with forward moving keep to alive, the without or with son, his and himself for built he’d what tact bed. the in now room more was there riddance, good ex, back. going no - depres between line blue thin the tiptoed He doing. needed that (And soul. the of pneumonia walking-around a sadness, and sion meanwhile he thanked his his brain maker—obviously was not matter no do, people some that depths the reach to wired factory said.) had therapist asshole stupid that what - - - 5) 10) 5) Here we Here go you been acting strange lately? been acting strange you For chrissakes: no. I’m fine. (1) fine. I’m no. chrissakes: For noticed, haven’t you but in case Maybe, (0) a funeral. At months ago. A few remember and I can’t ago, days A few Get in bed and try to sleep. I only got, I only got, Get in bed and try to sleep. (0) Nope Once or twice ( (0) think so. I don’t When was the last time you cried? the last time you When was Has anybody told you you’ve been acting you’ve told you anybody Has lately? strange Have kind of is going to hell and I’m the world about it. ( down what started it. ( like, ten hours of sleep last night and I’m of sleep last night and I’m ten hours like, (8) exhausted.

How much can a man take? take? man a can much How are you you are assigned points.)assigned of heard Tier Lacking 5. other recourse, ) apply, then add up the apply, (Select which answers (Select which answers he’d wonder internally. Putting internally. wonder he’d doing? I am What He did. Many times. Fist to heavens. to Fist times. Many did. He ou might ask: might ou Y depressed? Phone up some friends and hit the up with a girl. (–5) Hole the time to catch up on e-mails, Use Answer Key Answer ily, than usual. You’re not even that interested in having sex anymore. You might want to talk to somebody about that. talk to to might want You anymore. sex in having interested that even not You’re usual. than ily, feel are. You you unhappy think about how actively You job. your hate do is sleep. You to want All you depressed. You’re or more: 31 than a month now. more for this way felt You’ve you. for things can better hope that get any have don’t reason. You no apparent sad for or psychologist. See a doctor Eternal sunshine. 0 points or less: Eternal it through pushing you’re but been challenging lately, and home have work time. time to Things at out from bummed get You 15: 1 to and trying look on the bright side. Carry to on. heav or more frequently, drinking more You’re see anybody. in the mood to not all the time. tired You’re You’re down. are 30: You 16 to course or court. (–10 (0) a book, or run mindlessread errands. It’s a beautiful day outside and you have a have outside and you a beautiful day It’s the call? What’s hours to yourself. few QUIZ What did I do to deserve this? deserve to do I did What possi- deepest the on him humiliated and rejected had wife His His days and nights blurred together; and time flew. crawled He called the therapist, who said it would be “unethical” for for “unethical” be would it said who therapist, the called He And then it was Easter vacation, one year since the domestic He reflect. and rest to time some had he beach, the on last, At depressed? I Am Baltimore. from called sister his day next The dead. was father His ESQUIRE ble level. His father—a generous and loving but distant man who but distant and loving generous father—a His ble level. fa- his (Somehow, eighty-one. at dead counsel—was own his kept His marriage. his of death the than traumatic less was death ther’s eter and strong was love their declining; been had health father’s him, of inside be always would father his of parts that knew he nal; blind- had divorce the But son. his to along passed been already had accept the of most union, their of dissolution the With him. sided mom, his was behind Left razed.) were future his about notions ed and marriage, and courtship of years sixty nearly after now alone called still who fifties early her in person private a sister, little his - relation special the of supposed he symbolic “Daddy,” father her shared. they ship had he Sometimes flip-flops. did heart His churned. stomach His the in wailing heard he two or time A breath. his catching trouble from spirited He house. the from separate well office, his of dark room. to room him to change his diagnosis. He called an insurance broker, who who broker, insurance an called He diagnosis. his change to him never said even he’d he did what modern people do: He up. lawyered Letters were written; the specters of fraud and malprac and fraud of specters the written; were Letters again. tice were raised. raised. were tice vacation first their son, his with Hawaii to went He denouement. mom. the without together question. the himself asked and ahead went anger Depression anxiety got done thing slippery, dark, and foul. 148 final time, the therapist had actually given him some good advice. ment tier. have been in error.” worker,”social licensed psychiatrist,a bya not made ly “may and er, it was decided that the therapist had made a diagnosis “normal- or two he’d be something of himself again universe,his masterof screen.the hisFormasterof the hour an the last third of his second novel. For an hour or two he’d be again For an hour or two he would type, working on a column, a story, ly across the QWERTY keyboard that gave him voice and identity. pointments, he’d end up in his home office, fingers dancing joyful- ap costly and endless the of another barring then, And one). ly the breakfast (for two now instead of three, or sometimes for on- tine. He made the coffee (four scoops now instead of six). He made paid by his difficult times. of himself—to a writer, a tangible gain, the unintended dividend depths of his suffering had come new knowledge of the world and domestic upheaval and come out stronger. And of course, from the together they had faced the sudden and befuddling tsunami of this compromised decisions. His relationship with his son blossomed; mestic arrangement, in his ability once more to make his own, un- carpet in the bedroom, found joy in the quiet peace of his new do something about bitch to ex e-mailed the therapist called, child the e-mail, higher and real life intervened, the phone rang, the lawyer sent an hope. He rose with first light and performed his morning rou- His sadness was like a difficult winter in the frozen north. Stuff He liked the sound of that. “Next time, don’t settle for crumbs.” The biggest shame was probably this: On the way out the door the His record was expunged. He was returned to his original pay In the interim, there was a lot of shoveling. Maybe he wasn’t so sad anymore. Holy cannoli. And flirting. And kissing. And Eventually, there would be dating. Slowly, his focus returned. He bought new sheets, tore out the ample, thatcouldcontributetoanxietyanddepression.) Do for the AmericanPsychologicalAssociation (apa.org) orthe head injuries orifyou’ve injuries head gotlow testosterone levels, for ex sis—ask himtorecommend pro amental-health (apsychol- ogist, licensedprofessional counselor, licensedclinicalso- ing on,andaskhimtoruleoutany physical conditionsthat okay: maybe i need cial worker, marriageandfamily therapist for therapy, talk or apsychiatrist for drugs),oryou cangototheWeb sites not, however, rely onyour GPfor diagno- amental-health First, gotoyour general practitioner, tellhimwhat’s go- could becausingtheproblem. (Ifyou’ve of gotahistory esquire The Big Question ealth (nimh.nih.gov). Health National Instituteof Mental exhaustive review by an insurance-company underwrit insurance-company an exhaustivebyreview Every day he felt better. a little The therapist folded . . Except on the days he didn’t. . . eventually. . . and the shitstorm rained down again, making every • november some help. what do i do? .

. 2011 . after the first the after volley. an After . . . until the sun climbed ------Good sleep Good food: Good exercise Good sex: weeks. per minute) for eight atleast ly between 110and160 beats rate (i.e.,mum heart typical- at 60 to80 percent ofmaxi- per week ofaerobic exercise three thirty-minute sessions sion withexercise requires even effectively treat, depres- thattoprevent,cates and dom controlled trials—indi- the analysisoffourteen ran- evidence todate—basedon ly aerobic exercise. Thebest good sleep. pressed thanthosewhoget more likely tobecomede- a night)are uptosixtimes considered sixhours atleast enough goodsleep(generally that peoplewhogowithout to stress oranxiety. brings sometemporaryrelief matters intoyour own hands) that having sex (or taking sex. findingssuggest These with thesleepy feeling after tin, thoughttobeassociated well asanuptickinprolac - to reduce stress levels—as tocin—which isbelieved time, there’s asurge inoxy orgasmic rats. A been found toriseinpost- tonin andendorphinhave py neurochemicals” sero- of B12, looktoseafood and and soybeans. F vegetables, flaxseed, nuts, fatty acids,asare darkgreen good sources for omega-3 na, mackerel, andsalmonare well-being.ing tomental T show promise incontribut- B12,vitamin bothofwhich of omega-3 fatty acidsand Ho tools w to keep anger, anxiety, and at bay through everyd L : evels“hap- the of U R esearch shows p your intake : P or sources articular t thesame prevention - the u- - Alcohol > > > > field’s compliments ofJackK thoughts, anxious andangry How your toclear of head your eyes. open tenminutes, it. After on your next breath. K go ofthatthoughtandfocus when you realize let itdoes, to thenext breath. away,when itpasses goback as fullyyou can,andthen, “itching,” whatever itis.F tingling “tingling” oritching give itaname. Soyou name sation withawareness, and your breath, receive thesen- gling, itching, a pain—let go of sensation shouldarise—tin- out, andifany strong body breath inandgoes asitcomes breath withoutdirecting it. of thebelly. T Theriseandfallthe chest. tingling. Themovement of the throat orinthenose. The inthebackof the coolness breathe inandthenout.F Y is straight. (Noslumping: ion, andmake sure your back drinks aday. limit tothestandard two low-fat, whole-grain sources. brain, tostickwith butbest the level ofserotonin inyour have alsobeenfound toraise low-fat products. dairy Carbs soundstrue.com). for Beginners(available at ou’ll nodoff.) Themindwillwander, and F Closeyour eyes and Sitdown onachairorcush- or ten minutes, feelor tenminutes, each a few words on Meditation ay habits meditation : T ake it easy and plus depression ry tofeelry the

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you you ngry, anxious, or Angry, ant to talk. you you talk. to ant ngry, anxious, or Angry, ou are: ou are: ou might want to try: Cogni- to try: ou might want ou might want to try: In- to try: ou might want ngry, anxious, or de- Angry, ou are: P to try: ou might want alk Therapy alk T so you’ve got a got you’ve so and problem w options. have teen weeks. which helps you identify and which helps you modify patterns of thought that contribute and behavior to and then works to distress, of think ways new develop ing about things and cop- ing mechanisms. This is a averaging short-term therapy, sixteen sessions total. around because you’re depressed - with some problems having life. one in your Y psychotherapy. terpersonal Based on the belief that inter and communicationpersonal be particularlyskills. It may helpful in dealing with events a one, the death of a loved like or a di- conflict with a partner, to six and lasts twelve vorce, Y think but you depressed, might be behavior your responsible. Y BT (C therapy tive-behavioral Y contribute problems personal to mental illness, this therapy relationships on your focuses inter new and on developing Y no idea why. and have pressed Y The chodynamic therapy. be- is to help you idea here of troublesome come aware that are thoughts and feelings - conscious aware outside your you ness. This in turn allows ses- them. Therapy to resolve sions typically occur once a week.

- - - nless opressor enormin (at- Beta blockers: Beta blockers: Beta-adrenergic blocking agents blocking by work the stimulating ef fect of adrenaline. of adrenaline. fect The most com- monly used be- are ta blockers - (proprano Inderal lol), T enolol), L and (metoprolol) (nadolol). Corgard Serious side ef uncom- are fects mon with beta (U blockers. got asth- you’ve ma, in which case: No beta blockers you.) for Common side ef include fects coldtiredness, hands, head- upset stom- ache, ach, constipation or diarrhea, and dizziness. - In fact, the men I know best, including myself, trust and rely on rely and trust myself, including best, know I men the fact, In and home at struggles, The brother. go, to way lonesome a That’s ing anythingwing - Sero - and norepi Maybe Maybe you’ve got or a a mentor, father or uncle whose under standing and wisdom make him a reliable source of guidance, or guidance, of source reliable a him make wisdom and standing more require that issues on deep go to willing friends of group a than a quick, glib analysis neither and a that resolution involves don’t. men Most don’t. I hooker. a nor Vegas Las to come have and stuff, hardest the out work to alone themselves success their of component key a as self-reliance very that define is fear the and uncertainty, the struggle, the about talk To men. as to things—merely such about talk to weakness; of sign a only not Better, itself. in failure of kind a like them—feels feeling to admit nothing. say to then, world. the in up moving of part necessary a universal, are job, the on strengths his knows who someone cornerman, a needs fighter Every men’s decent Any weaknesses. and group will one have or two guys with crazy, less you, than savvier no ax to grind. there’ll Likewise, be members of the group who’ll look to you for illumination. A good group is an ongoing semi- applica- practical direct with nar tion and no Most are downside. toonline Look therapists. by run book. phone the in or start, anxiety

allo hey’re consid- They’re the safest, ered most effective line of de- first - the treat for fense ment of chronic anxiety. s, they SSRI Like a while can take and effect to take sexual can have They side effects. can also increase anxiety or agita- tion when they’re taken. first SNRIs: tonin - nephrine reup inhibitors take the amount affect - of norepineph - rine and sero tonin in the brain, includeand they Cymbalta (dulox and Effexor etine) (venlafaxine). w treatment - - - - anax before s before tivan (loraz tivan w Benzodiazepines: of seda- A group that includestives short-acting drugs A like epam) and X (alprazolam) that(alprazolam) acute used for are of pan- symptoms ic; and long-acting Klonopin ones like that (clonazepam) per used for are sistent anxiety. hey work by work They down slowing the activity of ner the central and system, vous the side effects basically like are on drugs. you’re hey act quick They - bringing rap ly, to acute id relief anxiety. kno - - emeron emeron wo of thesewo drugs—R than other fects antidepressants. Anxiety can be with worsened Wellbutrin. Atypical Atypical antidepressants: other Just like typesof antide- atyp- pressants, - ical antidepres the sants affect of neu- levels in rotransmitters includ- the brain, ing dopamine, and serotonin, norepinephrine. T (mirtazapine) and - especially Well - butrin (bupropi been on)—have to cause found significantly few side ef er sexual aab Raab ott Sc y B men’s groups men’s - hat you should you what - - u- depression - uvox, uvox, meds: meds: - (es exapro elective Selective

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hey cangasm. They a while also take to start working. recent and very A recent study of large studies showed L far are Zoloft in effective more - symp alleviating - toms of depres sion than L P can cause aThey of side ef range have fects—and significant effects and or on arousal etine), and Zoloft etine), (sertraline). rozac (fluox Prozac s: SSRI - reup serotonin inhibitors take the lev regulate in els of serotonin in - They the brain. clude L citalopram), L (fluvoxamine), vox P

ONS C THE THE PROS THE THE cla THE S “You bang drums?” bang “You talk. We praying. No lodge. sweat No drums. No what?” “About Friendship. Fatherhood. Women. Work. time. Every conversation. of End all that is problem The talk. won’t men that isn’t problem The s Leger ick Patr by ion Illustrat they talk about is the usual bullshit. And the stuff that troubles a weather to how politics, office handle to most—how men most if buried, kids—gets their by right do to how shitstorm, domestic sex. or sports about palaver ritual of layers under all, at raised it’s - ma for group support men’s part of a weekly man who was a As other in discomfort more created that topics few found I years, ny love and know I Men groups. support men’s of subject the than men their sacred hold who some friends—including call to enough well figure couldn’t only guys—not the with game golf or poker weekly weird. as it of think to seemed but group a such of point the out rible wail. It took me a second to realize it was bad eyesight or loving jazz—but because I Panic coming from someone behind me, and it was didn’t want people to treat me any different- [continued from page 145] against you. All getting louder. I jumped off the bike path, my ly, like I was fragile. Even my dad—who has the little lights go out. heart in my throat. And then some prick kid worked for years in suicide intervention, who I can’t really explain why I didn’t jump that whizzed by us on a bike, laughing like a witch. has saved however many lives with his gen- afternoon, why I eventually returned to the He’d just been trying to scare us, which he had; tle words—has only an idea. We were having ranks of tourists walking along the Golden my asshole actually howled. I yelled at his dis- dinner together one night just this past win- Gate Bridge. Maybe, in part, it was my need appearing shape, screaming an incomprehen- ter, we were sitting in the middle of a Chi- for everything to be perfect. There were too sible sequence of terrible words at the top of nese restaurant, when he asked me whether many loose ends. The publisher had paid for my lungs. My chest heaved after. I imagined I’d ever thought about killing myself. I nearly this book tour, and I was supposed to go to what I would do to that kid if I caught him. choked. I told him I didn’t want to talk about Denver next. I should go to Denver. It would I imagined all sorts of violent, broken-teeth it, which I didn’t, at least not just then, over be unnecessarily complicated for Lee to get thoughts. I was as angry as I’d ever been—an- spareribs and sticky rice. And my dad nodded, my body back, if she wanted it. I hadn’t do- gry enough that I couldn’t hear properly, the partly because he didn’t want to force the truth ne our taxes yet. blood was so thick in my ears. out of me and partly because he already knew. But mostly, I was saved because I was a By the time we got to the bottom of that hill, Besides, the blackness had receded by then, coward. Killing yourself—committing death— I knew that I was still in a very deep hole, and almost imperceptibly, the way it had arrived. is a difficult thing to do. I can’t speak for all I was never going to get out of it. It wasn’t like a finger snap, the birds singing those impossibly brave men and women who Not long after, Lee and I really fought for the through my open window one sunny morn- made that jump before me, but I would guess first time, ever. In the eight years we’d been to- ing; it was more as though I’d been gradual- that most of them made a number of soft at- gether, we’d never raised our voices. I can’t re- ly released from its grip. Today, I’m as happy tempts, exploratory, reading up on knots or member what we fought about, but whatever as I’ve been in years. Coming out of depres- taking half a bottle of pills, as though they it was, it wasn’t just a fight. It was confirmation sion feels like surfacing from deep water. Col- were preparing for a fight, looking for the ten- of my worst paranoid fears: She was going to ors are true again. der spots. I imagine they got a little bit closer leave me for a better man, I thought, and she In the end, I just waited it out. I never went each time, until finally they did it, and then was going to take Charley and Sam with her, on drugs or saw a therapist. That was proud they were dead, and then they were buried or and I was going to end up stripped of those and stupid. I needed help, and I should have burned, and everyone so fortunate as to still few things that still mattered. I thought that asked for it. Now I know better. be happy and alive talked about how sad and I might as well save her the trouble. Several months after the shower, I felt my- selfish everything was, when for so long the After everyone went to bed and the house self going under again, my temper getting soul that had been in that body now under- was dark and quiet, I went down to the kitch- shorter and running hotter, my faith waver- ground or reduced to ashes had been suffer- en, and I pulled a long knife out of the rack we ing. I hadn’t been able to sleep for several ing, suffering so much that death—this thing kept on our counter. I didn’t want to make a nights. Early in the morning, at maybe two or that we’re hardwired to fear more than any- mess—the kitchen floor was cork, and it would three o’clock, I got out of bed, slipped out of the thing else—had become relief instead. soak up my blood like a sponge; cork is very ab- house, and walked through the empty streets Somehow I still harbored this small fila- sorbent—so I decided to go down to the base- to the Royal Ottawa—to the psychiatric hospi- ment of self-preservation. Some part of me ment, two floors removed from my sleeping tal, a pile of glass and light several blocks away. had not been in agreement with my plan. It wife and my sleeping children. When I walked I walked very quickly to the hospital; I was had refused to fall in line. I found my way down those stairs, I was certain that I was tak- almost running. There was a bench, and I sat back to my hotel room and read page 165 of ing the last steps I would ever take. I climbed down to catch my breath before I checked my- that book and carried my own bags home. into the tub of the little bathroom we had self in. I was struck by how many people there But it didn’t get better after that. down there. I turned on the shower, to help were outside, even though it was the middle wash everything away, and I stood under the of the night. There were maybe a dozen pa- The shower was much worse than the water, and I ran the knife over my wrists. I tients, some of them having come out for a bridge. did that several times, dragging the knife be- smoke or just to feel the cool of the night, One night, a few months after San Francis- tween the bottom of my hand and the crook of propped up against the walls or wrapped co, I went to see an outdoor concert with my my elbow, the way I had read that I should do up in their wheelchairs. I sat among them, best friend, Phil. The Weakerthans were play- it if I really wanted to get the job done. I was and I felt stronger for their company. I felt as ing. It was a perfect night. I stood in the crowd just scratching my skin rather than cutting though we were all in this together. There are and looked up at the stars and sang along to all it, but I was surprised by how much it hurt. so many dead, but there are so many of us still my favorite songs, and all the while I engaged For some reason, I thought that bleeding my- alive; there are so many of us still in love. I sat in a weird kind of internal conversation, ex- self out would be painless. It wasn’t. I turned on that bench and realized that I’d walked so plaining to myself that I was happy: Here I was, the water to ice cold, to try to numb my arms, quickly to the hospital because I was scared with my best friend, seeing my favorite band and I dragged the knife, scraping myself may- of dying. My heart nearly burst open. It was on a starry night, when I might have otherwise be a dozen times, and I sobbed, sobbed like a the best feeling in the world. I felt so good been a corpse floating in San Francisco Bay. man who had just lost his dead father’s watch. that I never did go inside; I spent a few hours Wow, that was kind of nuts, wasn’t it? Close one! I’d like to say that I saw a light, that I saw on that bench, in that company, and that was But I’ve learned that if you’re truly hap- the faces of my sleeping wife and my sleep- all the help I needed. I watched my breath py, you don’t need to convince yourself that ing children through my tears, that I saw how turning solid in the cold, and I looked up at you are. You can’t employ relative calculus to much I had to live for, but that’s not what hap- all those little lights in the sky, and I made a make yourself happy. You’re either happy or pened. I just couldn’t force myself to cut my wish for me and my friends: I wished that we you’re not. arms deeply enough. My body saved my soul would always be terrified of death, every last That night, after the concert, Phil and I be- that night. I turned off the shower. I dried my- one of us, that we would spend the rest of our gan walking home. We were on a bike path self off. I looked in the mirror. I was closer to lives running from it, that we would dream along the river, nearing the bottom of a steep death than I’d ever been. But I’d failed again. about dying and wake up screaming, that we hill. It was pretty dark. I was telling Phil—to would be pathological in our fears—scared whom I’d confided my depression, but nothing I’ve never told anybody about the bridge or of heights, scared of bullets, scared of trains. about that day on the bridge—that I felt like I the shower. I never wanted people to know, Oh, spare us, I remember thinking. Spare us, was finally coming out of it. When suddenly, not because I feel ashamed about it—that please spare us, because there are so many I heard screaming: a really high-pitched, hor- would be like feeling ashamed for having ways to die. ≥

1 esquire • november 2011