WEDNESDAY

WEDNESDAY JUNE 16TH 2010 THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NE SPAPER SINCE 1947 ISSUE NO 721 | VARSITY.CO.UK Building MICHAEL DERRINGER work disturbs students

Author t es cla m to have “m n m sed” no se levels but students compla n the r rev s on has been a ected by residents of Pembroke College NATA A  AAN accommodation on Fitzwilliam Street and Trumpington Street. Students around Cambridge have Work being undertaken by the faced disruption during a stressful College to provide more accom- revision period due to a number of modation for students involved building works carried out during the conversion of a newly acquired Easter Term by colleges and property situated next to existing faculties. Pembroke student hostels. Due to Re-roofi ng of the Friars Building, tight deadlines to ensure the accom- Queens’ College, accommodation modation was made available for housing mostly third year students, the start of the next academic year, began on March 15th and continued work took place throughout Easter into Easter Term. term causing serious disruption to In an email to students, the col- students. lege stated that this ‘essential’ roof A spokesperson from Pembroke work, which could not be carried out College commented, “We did take during winter months, was expected the potential question of noise very to be ‘noisy’ but no more disrup- seriously and chose contractors with tive to surrounding buildings than a record of working sympathetically the re-roofi ng of Chapel two years in College environments. They have ago. The Chapel, however, does not been very reactive to our needs and Elle Gouldng at St John’s May Ball “fantastc” house any students. we have successfully rescheduled FULL REVIEW PAGE FIVE As a gesture of goodwill, the Col- the noisiest work away from the lege offered those students affected examination period. Andrews commented: “The builders libraries as well, making it very diffi - particularly diffi cult to deal with by the opportunity to reserve a desk “We have also written to our arrive at 7.30am six days a week and cult for some students to fi nd a quiet students facing examinations. in the College library on a day by students to keep them informed have been drilling and hammering area to work in. “The project team are wholly day basis. However, the number of throughout and have offered alter- most of the time. The construction of new building sympathetic to these concerns and ‘reservable’ desks was limited to native study arrangements to any “I was woken up most mornings for Humanities and Social Sciences special measures have been included four and even then these desks were who have raised concerns.” by the sound of drilling on the other on 7 West Road has also carried out within the project and within the only made available to the eight stu- However, Varsity has learned side of my bedroom wall. It felt during the revision and examina- construction contract to limit noise dents living on the top fl oor of the that despite repeated complaints like they were going to drill right tion periods, in close proximity to a to acceptable levels.” building. from residents and reassurance that through to my skull. number of faculties on the Sidgwick One second-year History student No special arrangements were ‘noisy work’ would be completed “I was driven out to the library Site, including the English and His- commented, “I could hear bang- made for students living on the lower in April, it continued well into the every day because of the noise, tory Faculties. ing from the building work when fl oors of the Friars Building or for exam period. when I normally prefer to work in The Estate Management Project I was trying to work in the Seeley those in the two student accommo- Hammering of slates onto the roof my room.” Manager told Varsity: “In general, Library. dation blocks, Dokett and Erasmus, began on June 1st, when some resi- However, building work this term construction operations produce “It could be very distracting and situated nearby. dents were still taking exams. has not only affected student resi- noise and can be disruptive to the quite frustrating when the noise A similar situation was faced Pembroke student Emily dential areas, but college and faculty work of the University and can be broke my concentration.”

Commentp6 Tuesday’s Ballsp5 Fashionp8-9 Kate Mason Check out the on hol days St John’s, Ca us and Chr st’s May Balls rev ewed ns de surreal s de of squandered May Week 2 Wednesday June 16th 2010 News Ed tors Charlo e Runc e & Natasha Pesaran YESTERDAY IN PICTURES www varsty co uk news@varsty co uk Got a good pcture Emal t to edtor@varsty co uk MICHAEL DERRINGER MICHAEL DERRINGER

onpaper

Commentp6 Vars ty’s man about town, James Sharpe, on why all the pol t cal world’s a stage

News Interv ewp7 John’s heal ne act Ell e Gould ng TOM MEDLEY Joel Massey nterv ews former Guantanamo Bay pr soner Moazzam Begg

Featuresp10 V ctor a Beale on why t’s great to be one of l fe’s cheaters - and how you can get away w th t

Rev ewsp13 P casso, the Pr nce of Pers a, and the best almond Guests dr nk P mm’s at a Queens’ garden party May Ball revellers carry home the r flowers and danc ng shoes cro ssants n Cambr dge MICHAEL DERRINGER PAWEL JASNOS

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M scellanea Cantabr g a Hugo Gye says the future’s br ght The future’s Cambr dge

Punters under Clare br dge TOM MEDLEY

Secret D ary of a Ballcrasher What’s the best way to crash a ball Ton ght’s m ss on free canapés

onTV

The Hon Thomas Buckland leaves Tr n ty May Ball w th fr ends Trombones have been someth ng of a theme th s week May Balls Got a news story Emal t to news@varsty co uk Throw Lauren Cooney ns de a May Ball and what do you get  JoelJoel MasseyMassey && DavidDavid PeggPegg edtor@varsty co ukedtor@varsty co uk   NathanNathan BrookerBrooker dgtal@varsty co ukdgtal@varsty co uk   CharlotteCharlotte RuncieRuncie news@varsty co uknews@varsty co uk    NatashaNatasha PesaranPesaran news@varsty co uknews@varsty co uk      RhysRhys JonesJones comment@varsty co ukcomment@varsty co uk   JoshuaJoshua GamesGames sport@varsty co uksport@varsty co uk Mayhem    LaraLara PrendergastPrendergast features@varsty co ukfeatures@varsty co uk     AugustinaAugustina DiasDias theatre@varsty co uktheatre@varsty co uk       JessicaJessica JenningsJennings revews@varsty co ukrevews@varsty co uk    Julia Carolyn Lichnova games@varsty co uk   Fiona Vickerstaff, Richard Moore, Anna Herber & James Wilson senorreporter@varsty co uk  Helen Mackreath & Emma Mustich large@varsty co uk     Fiona PhillippaVickerstaff, Garner Richard vtv@varsty co uk Moore, Anna Herber  & James  Wilson Richard senorreporter@varsty co uk Rothschild-Pearson & Fred  Rowson vtv@varsty co uk Helen Mackreath  &  Emma Mustich Alan large@varsty Young vtv@ varsty co ukco uk      Phillippa Lauren Garner Arthur vtv@varsty co uk & Angela Scarsbrook  subedtor@varsty co uk Richard Rothschild-Pearson  &Lydia Fred Crudge, Rowson Mike vtv@varsty co uk Hornsey, Joe Perez &  Charlotte  Sewell Alan subedtor@ Young vtv@ Pr nt ng Vars ty varsty co ukvarsty co uk    Dylan Spencer-Davidson Lauren Arthur &desgner@varsty co uk Angela Scarsbrook subedtor@varsty co uk   Michael  Derringer Dylan Spencer-Davidson desgner@varsty co uk   Michael Ever wondered how th s Derringer      Michael Derringer busness@varsty co uk     Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, copy of Vars ty came to be Mr Michael  Derringer,  Mr  Elliot Ross, Michael Mr Patrick Derringer Kingsley busness@varsty co uk (VarSoc President),  Miss  Anna   Trench Dr, Mr Michael Hugo Gye, Franklin Mr Michael (Chair), Stothard, Prof. Peter Miss Robinson, Clementine Dr TimDowley, Harris, Mr MrRobert Chris Peal, Wright, Mr n your hands F nd ChristopherMr Michael Derringer,Adriaanse, Mr Miss Elliot Emma Ross, Mustich Mr Patrick & Mr KingsleyLaurie Tuffrey (VarSoc President), Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard, Miss Clementine Dowley, Mr Robert Peal, Mr Christopher Adriaanse, Miss Emma Mustich, Mr Laurie Tuffrey, Mr Joe Pitt-Rashid, Miss Helen Mackreath, Miss Avantika Chilkoti & Mr Paul Smith out how the mag c happens

Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. ©2009 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Offi ce. ISSN 1758-4442 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News Editors: Charlotte Runcie & Natasha Pesaran Wednesday June 16th 2010 3 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NEwss

Arts research “deserves more respect” News in Brief New Cambridge report claims that arts and humanities greatly benefit society

MiChael DerriNger fiona vickerstaff Union Election results

Research within the spheres of the Lauren Davidson has been arts and humanities merits greater elected as President of the acknowledgment, suggests a recent Cambridge Union. The new report commissioned by the Univer- committee consists of five women sity of Cambridge. and one man. The other success- The research organisation RAND ful candidates are Alexandra Europe conducted a recent study Treacy as Social Events Officer, at the request of the University of Anna Harper as Treasurer, Cambridge and the Arts and Human- Calum McDonald as Senior ities Research Council. The aim of Officer, and Rebecca Bailey as the investigation was to examine the Speakers Officer. ways in which university research into the arts and humanities is contributing to society. Maternity hospital Using the University of Cambridge as an example, evidence extension planned was taken from a survey of almost 300 researchers. In addition, The Rosie maternity hospital in exhaustive interviews and case Access to the Fitzwilliam Museum is a much-valued part of a Cambridge education Cambridge will double in size studies were conducted both within thanks to a £30m redevelopment and outside the University. Each difficult and fundamental questions habitually “seeping into intellec- national or international level. to meet “increasing demands” stage of the project was linked to the of the longer-term impact of tual life” in order to elevate and Some of the ways in which on its services. ensuing outcomes, giving a sense in-depth, curiosity-driven research. develop public understanding. 64% research has impacted the public The intensive care and special of the breadth and scale of impact It should play a significant role in include arts festivals, exhibitions care baby units will increase in across the project as a whole. taking forward this debate, which and translations. Researchers in size from 33 to 58 cots, and the “This survey is unusual in its depth has become so important both to the the Faculty of English, for example, proposals also include a birth- and breadth,” said Professor Simon funding bodies and to the universi- 64% were able to make copies of a fragile ing unit with 10 ensuite rooms Percentage of academics participating Franklin, Head of the School of Arts ties themselves.” in arts survey who say their work has medieval manuscript available which the hospital said would and Humanities at the University of The study reflects the signifi- influenced policy-making online internationally. offer a relaxed environment for Cambridge. cance which arts and humanities It is hoped that these results will women. “RAND Europe have not taken research currently exhibits and of academics who participated in provide a model which other insti- Building work is set to be the common route of focusing only demonstrates that such research the survey said that their work had tutions can use in order to pursue completed by the end of 2012. on the obvious types of immedi- is able to generate a variety of influenced policy-making, while an and analyze the benefits of research ate impact this research has. Their “vital public benefits.” It argues “overwhelming majority” reported in their own faculties of arts and report also confronts the more that the research of academics is that their industry had spread to a humanities. Cambridge graduate accused of theft

MP Huppert World’s biggest tapestry goes online A Cambridge graduate has been accused of stealing £40,000 does not vote Project developed by girton artist depicts several Cambridge Colleges of rare books from the Royal Horticultural Society’s library and their alumni over the centuries in Pimlico. on Trident The jury were told that Museum in Bristol, but will not of Cambridge in Anglo-American William Jacques, 41, was caught varsity news duncan evans be on display until the museum is history. A lot of people who have been with “a thief’s shopping list” of 70 re-located to London in 2012. At forgotten have been highlighted in rare titles, their shelf reference Cambridge MP Julian Huppert has The New World Tapestry, which is present, it is only accessible via the the tapestry.” in the library, their condition missed a vote concerning Trident in the world’s largest stitched embroi- website. “So many came from Cambridge and their value on the American the House of Commons, despite his dery, has been made available online The designer, Tom Mor, is a humor- colleges, and so many risked their market. He is accused of steal- anti-nuclear manifesto. in its entirety. ous illustrator from Girton. He lives or paid with their lives to set ing 13 volumes of a 19th century The vote was over a SNP proposal The tapestry, which is over eighty emphasised the value of the tapes- up America.” botanical encyclopaedia. to add a section to the note of thanks metres long and consists of twenty try as an educational tool, and the Putting the tapestry on to the A court has heard that library to the Queen in which a review of four panels, is the work of 256 tapis- importance of its easy availability. website was an arduous process, staff had come to recognise the Trident nuclear missile system is siers over a twenty-year period. “It is available for schools, colleges which has taken two years and is still Jacques by his distinctive tweed included as part of the governments The first stitch was sewn in 1980 by or anyone interested in education,” not yet fully complete. It is antici- jacket and glasses. Strategic Defence and Security US Ambassador Kingman Brewster, he said. pated that every panel will be online Jacques denies theft and going Review. The proposal called for a and the project was completed with “They have a unique tool here. by the end of summer this year. equipped for theft between June “full examination” of Trident, or a stitch by Prince Charles, in 2000, It is a huge source of information. The tapestry can be viewed at 2004 and March 2007. The trial “any possible replacement.” at Highgrove. Stitches were also We want to get over the importance newworldtapestry.co.uk. continues. Richard Taylor, Cambridge made by HM the Queen, HM the resident who blogs about local issues, Queen Mother, HRH Prince Philip, highlighted Huppert’s absence from HRH the Princess Royal and HRH the vote, which seems to contradict the Duchess of Gloucester. his anti-nuclear stance in his election The tapestry depicts the begin- manifesto. nings of English colonisation in 52 Trumpington Street But Huppert has dismissed any Newfoundland, Guiana, Bermuda Cambridge CB2 1RG claims that his absence signals a and North America from 1583 until change of stance. 1642 – when the first English Civil FREE CHELSEA BUN Speaking to Varsity he clarified War began with the raising of King With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop that he was “absolutely committed Charles I’s standard at Nottingham. OR to getting rid of Trident” and said: “I A number of Cambridge alumni and FREE MORNING did not attend the vote intentionally colleges feature on the panels. because we were being whipped to Colleges featured on the tapestry COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) vote against the amendment and I include Pembroke, Trinity, Emman- With any cake or pastry in the restaurant refused to do that. uel and Jesus. on presentation of this voucher “I felt this would jeopordise the The tapestry was gifted to the and proof of student status talks to end Trident.” British Empire and Commonwealth The tapestry shows Cambridge’s role in the colonisation of America 4 Wednesday June 16th 2010 News Editors: Charlotte Runcie & Natasha Pesaran NEws www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Cambridge Astronomer Royal claims we’ll never understand space Spies Cambridge’s Lord Rees says humans are incapable of comprehending the universe Rees’ warning is prompted partly “Some aspects of reality — a unified most difficult of problems.” natasha pesaran by the failure of scientists working theory of physics or a full understand- Some of the questions which on the greatest problem of modern ing of consciousness — might elude us have eluded scientists include the One of Britain’s most respected physics, that of general relativity. This simply because they’re beyond human existence of multiple dimensions, astrophysicists has commented that theory, devised by Albert Einstein, brains, just as surely as Einstein’s how human consciousness deriving fundamental questions which have seeks to reconcile the forces that ideas would baffle a chimpanzee.” from chemical reactions in the brain, puzzled scientists for several decades govern the behaviour of the cosmos, However, other scientists remain may generate a sense of self, and the may be beyond the limitations of including planets and stars, with more optimistic. Professor Brian nature of ‘reality.’ human intellect. those that rule atoms and particles. Cox, BBC Science presenter and One third-year Nat-Sci said, “I am In a statement that might prove Modern day scientists, however, physics professor who has recently devastated. I had intended to devote highly provocative to those who have have faced difficulty in their attempts been awarded an OBE, said, “The my life to unlocking the mysteries of dedicated their lives to unlocking to reconcile Einstein’s theory of idea that certain things are beyond us the universe but I refuse to lose hope. secrets such as the nature of human general relativity, with that of Paul is quite a bleak one and history does This is still a very exciting time to be consciousness and the cause of the big Dirac, which was devised using show we can eventually overcome the studying science.” bang, Lord Martin Rees, President quantum theory. That the two of the Royal Society and Master of theories are highly contradictory has Trinity College, has claimed that the prevented scientists from arriving at Trinity First and Turd great mysteries of the universe may a single, ‘unified’ theory. never be decoded. Part of the problem, claims Rees, To be fair, there was a lot of food Rees said, “A ‘true’ fundamental lies in the fact that the human brain at Trinity May Ball. Spies ate, theory of the universe may exist can only experience three spatial like, way too much. but could be just too hard for human dimensions plus time. “In theory, But Spies handled itself better brains to grasp,” there could be another entire universe than one exuberant reveller. “Just as a fish may be barely aware less than a millimetre away from us, This gentleman stuffed himself of the medium in which it lives and but we are oblivious to it because that so full of alimentary delights swims, so the microstructure of millimetre is measured in a fourth that his body just had to make empty space could be far too complex spatial dimension and we are impris- room for more – by getting rid of for unaided human brains.” oned in just three,” he said. The Milky Way Galaxy the excess, Southern style. His rectal passage didn’t think to inform his brain, however, about the decision it had taken. Runaway The happy partygoer kept on dancin’ until his mates noticed horse in a suspiciously unsavoury scent emanating from the trouser region. Newmarket The solution? Destroy the Trade in today for a brand new Sony evidence, of course. Feeling From an old pair of headphones to a television that’s had its day, bring us your old kit helen pittam flush, our sticky hero headed and we’ll give you up to £150* off the Sony equivalent straight to Trinity’s palatial powder-rooms. Shoppers in Newmarket were aston- Normal price But on attempting to send ished on Sunday by the sight of a £44.99 Price after trade in: his offensive undergarments thoroughbred racehorse galloping down the whirlpool of shame, down the High Street. Free £39.99 the porcelain destroyer was less The horse, which is believed to satellite dish than receptive. have escaped from Sheikh Moham- installation worth £79 With the bog clogged, the med’s Godolphin stables, appeared Normal price red-faced roisterer fled the at the Clock Tower end of the street .99 £749 MDR-XB40EX scene to carry on his celebra- at 11:20am. Price after trade in: Normal price tions, boxer-deficient. People on the crowded street £649.99 £159.99 had to run to safety as it pelted full Price after trade in: KDL-40W5810 speed through the throng of morning £139.99 shoppers. PRS-300S Banjo! Oh no... “It was such a shock,” said student Normal price Poppy Crighton, “I was wandering £179.99 CUCA and The Gentlemen of down the street with my mum when Price after trade in: St John’s had such a delightful I heard shouting and screaming. Normal price BDP-S373 £149.99 garden party. A very musical “Suddenly a horse appeared out of £469.99 union of gents. nowhere and ran straight for us. If Price after trade in: Normal price But the music continued after we hadn’t jumped out the way I don’t £299.99 £399.99 H D R- CX115 EB the Pimm’s with the enthusias- know what would have happened. Price after trade in: tic mutual plucking of two lusty “It was really scary.” RDR-DC200 £249.99 young mistrels’ banjo strings. The horse was closely followed by It must have been experimen- jockeys and stable boys in cars. It tal jazz or something, because was chased down the entire street at a crucial crescendo one of until finally being caught outside the Normal price Normal price the strings (of the non-catgut Innocence night club, at the junction £499.99 £169.99

variety) could no longer take the with the Avenue. BDV-E370 Price after trade in: Price after trade in: pressure. Sunday morning is one of the £449.99 £149.99 It warped in the heat and busiest times on Newmarket High gave out with a snap, leading to Street. The stunned crowd included DSC-W350B broken chords, modernist vocals families going out for the day and of howls and screeches and, shop workers. Cambridge : 16 Lion Yard Shopping Centre Tel: 0122 335 1135 basically, blood everywhere. Fortunately no one was injured.

Shocked at what his amorous The horse itself remained unharmed visit us online at: http://cambridge.sony.co.uk attentions had done, Musician and managed to avoid hitting any Two left his injured lover with people or cars. his manhood held desperately Newmarket is proud of its long Instore, online, Collection or delivery. under a running tap and the tradition as the headquarters of *Selected models only. Promotion ends on 11.07.10 or till stocks last. Terms & conditions apply. Ask in-store for details. ‘Sony’, ‘make.believe’, ‘Sony Centre’, ‘Walkman’, ‘Handycam’, ‘Cyber-shot’, ‘Reader’ and their logos are trademarks or registered trademarks of Sony. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. dying fall of his screams echoing British horse racing, but nobody out All prices correct at time of going to press E & O.E. All pictures are for illustration purpose only. Operated by : Shasonic Centres Ltd into the evening. for their Sunday shop expected such a startling incident. Ball Reviews Editor: Molly Beck Wednesday June 16th 2010 5 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Ball REviEws Ball Reviews Balls in Brief michael derringer

Caius May Ball  If the devil’s is in the detail, then orchestrating Caius May Ball must have been little short of hellish. The Four Seasons theme was represented superbly, with frankly amazing decor; it was clear that a huge amount of attention had been lavished upon the crucial little details, such as the Pick ‘n’ Mix in the pigeon holes. The winter area was bedecked with frosty lighting, vodka luges, and ice sculptures. The food was incredible, with a huge amount of variety (ginger- bread houses, anyone?), and the drink was no different – one could enjoy the provisions for hours without having to worry. The sole letdown was the lack of variety in entertainment: Caius is a small college, with a dearth of space for large attrac- tions, and its labyrinthine layout made the programme a little incomprehensible to outsiders Oh, everybody’s starry-eyed like myself. However, Hot Chip and Toploader were more than adequate compensation. Champers provided upon entry The headliners were a fantastic laura solomons Animo Luxuriari were a nice touch. As the guests success, my personal favourite St john’S may ball  walked in, however, they were being the indie band ‘The Cheek’ Christ’s May Ball confronted with an assortment (whose name was recently changed  1888 nimo Luxuriari. Hmm. To of the cliched fairground tropes from ‘Cheeky Cheeky and the Year of the first st John’s may Ball some, a Latin tag might (hoopla, coconut shy, etc), which in Nosebleeds’, as I recently found out Following the theme of ‘L’Esprit Aring warning bells of the my opinion do more for grandstand- on their Wikipedia page) – an odd Nouveau’ down to the finest direst pretention, especially when ing than for ball-goers enjoyment. but amusing scrap of trivia. detail, Christ’s May Ball was accompanied with a blurb promis- This was made pretty obvious In light of Trinity Ball’s everything a May Ball should ing transcendental experiences by the general scramble for the fireworkssuccess last night (with be. Nothing was overlooked: an 5 and untold rapture, uncontrollable hogroast, and the typically Johnian their surprising flamethrower accordion-player entertained number of years of may Ball experience of the longest-serving member of the frenzy, and climactic euphoria. This beer-filled punts in New Court. effect), Johns had a lot to live up those queuing, a champagne committee being my third Johns Ball, I feel In general, the food and drink to last night, and the fireworks at truffle was given on entry, I’m qualified enough to accept that were of exceptional quality, not to Johns more than matched their signs directed us to the Café the college has earned the right to mention quantity. Tent after tent of arch-rivals. My personal favourite Parisien or invited us to sample a typically arrogant Cantabridgian drinks, ranging from exotic G&Ts was the Hall of the Mountain King bonbons. Guests were able to sit motto. But did the 2010 Ball live up to martinis, milkshakes, and Pimms, piece from the Peer Gynt suite on golden chairs around classi- 90 to its predecessors? and food, ranging from crepes (filled (or, as is probably better known, cally Parisian-style tables, in hours of entertainment scheduled Within the first thirty minutes, with maltesers, honey and bananas) that music from the Alton Towers front of the Arc de Triomphe, my girlfriend felt it her duty to to delicious burgers handcrafted entranceway) which was a fantastic sampling strawberries drizzled inform me repeatedly about the meticulously by d’Arry’s, made success with hundreds of different in chocolate or pastries from the ‘temperature issue’ - the Ball did the ball a culinary triumph (ventro types of fireworks going off at once, pâtisserie. When we could bear not provide enclosed and heated luxuriari?). from twizzlers to cartwheels. Sadly, to drag ourselves away from tents, and most of the seating The aesthetics were good, but Johns fireworks seemed to lack a the buttery goodness of French 400 areas were outside. This entire not entirely up to past standards; truly effective finale, and ended cuisine, we were able to indulge number of performers booked layout was undermined further in 2008, Second Court boasted a with the slight sense of not having... our inner five-year-old in style by the particularly cold summer’s miniature Eiffel tower. Its only ended. on a steam-powered carousel or evening, which was unfortunate, to prominent feature last night was a As a final verdict, I can honestly swing boats. The atmosphere be fair (but admittedly, the commit- small arch, rainbow-lit and verging state that whilst enjoyable (as exuded effortless 1920s Paris tee should have provided for the on the tacky. But many ball-goers Johns May Ball never fails to glamour, and yet only with total eventuality -– they’re lucky it didn’t endured the cupcake chairs and be), the 2010 Ball didn’t quite live dedication and boundless imagi- 81,040 rain). antler heads lining their hall, and up to the stratospherically high nation could this have been number of individual pick‘n’ mix sweets As ever, queueing was smooth, the wooden taxicab in the First standards set by previous years. achieved. victoria mason and the strawberries, cream and Court. nick chapman 6 Wednesday June 16th 2010 Comment Ed tor Rhys Jones COENT www varsty co uk comment@varsty co uk

Overrated “Unfortunately, it’s just too difficult to get drunk on cocktails watered down to the Comment strength of Tropicana” KATE MASON Mr. Clegg, enter stage left

Barack Obama Pol t c ans don’t learn the r trade n the debat ng chamber They treat Parl ament as a stage and conduct government as f t were a drama Pol t cs, t seems, s all about theatre ow can you overrate the President whose your love of the works of Samuel clearly the principle employed in the future – or the director/ Hkey triumph, fi fteen Beckett during election campaigns. during the coalition negotiations: visionary drives everyone mad – months in offi ce, is nothing less It is the quintessential high versus the Conservatives are allowed to meaning he never works again. than a milestone Act securing low culture debate; and the former, cut the defi cit – economic recovery Clegg knows that sometimes a health insurance for 32 million as an unintended consequence, is always a mainstay of politics; minimal set is needed if it is the previously uncovered Ameri- offers perfect training for the world the Lib Dems get a say on voting price for good sound and light- cans? of politics. Without mass appeal, the reform – something of a new depar- ing. That is why he dropped his Sadly, Obama spoils the theatre has to compete for funding. ture in British politics. opposition to Trident in exchange victory with that soppy rhetor- Rather good training for the budget But not all Lib Dems have taken for pupil premiums. Luckily those ical frenzy of the campaign restraints now being imposed at Clegg’s theatrical route to the top. notorious thesp-techie fi ghts must days. Would it really be so Whitehall. Unlike Labourites and Conserva- have taught him to handle his ego-compromising to fi nally And Clegg is a graduate with tives who take traditional paths party; especially one populated abandon the status of an iconic fi rst class honours. He has acted to power – paths that teach them by a bizarre mixture of Europhile history-maker? Obama’s guilt JAMES SHARPE with Helena Bonham-Carter, and to sacrifi ce all for power – the Lib Tories, disaffected Labourites, is he understands his mission been directed by Sam Mendes. Dems tend to retain such and semi-extinct true too epically, stuffi ng his Even as an MP he has kept the a thing as ‘principles’. Liberals. sensible Democratic agenda oliticians are born. That acting up, performing such diverse The result: the Lib Perhaps the with grand-narrative themes aphrodisiac of power tends roles as Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Dems cannot best thing so repulsive to everyone Pto manifest itself at univer- Charming, and a health-and-safety stand compro- about a uncomfortable with the record sity when one leaps head fi rst inspector checking the structural mise. Just theatrical of the last century’s great into debating and student politics. integrity of Jack’s beanstalk. Clegg look at the training is demagogues. Clarke, Gove, Hague have all been does pantomime very well, don’t grumbling that most As a candidate for offi ce, there. Then there are the chaps you know. that useful of he stood above the rest not who stand on the sidelines, nurtur- It is a false assumption that surrounded attributes with his programme, (his most ing their ambition and brooding the Cambridge Union Society (or proportional in modern emphasised fi scal agenda and in silence, learning as they watch. CULC and CUCA for that matter) representa- politics: Iraq promises were a bench- Think Cameron and Osborne. But prepares one for government. tion. Did they spin. Just mark of any Left Democrat what about dear old Nick Clegg? Certainly, it is the place to cut seriously think it look at the manifesto), but with his almost He is one of those rarest of politi- your political teeth. The Union was ever truly on fi rst leader- idiomatic tale of an African- cos – a man who demonstrably had educates in how to hack and to the cards? ship debate. American dreaming his (and little interest in politics. He was a win (and lose) elections. The ADC Clegg knows that No wonder Clegg everyone else’s) middle-class thesp. is the place to go to learn the art visionary pieces always did well – look at the dream. His pre-electoral Clegg is, therefore, in good of government. Theatres have have to compromise. After all, he audience; be engaging; don’t hog agenda was less the pragmatic company (depending on your to make a profi t, so they have to never took the starring role – he the limelight. Pity it didn’t last. “tax breaks to billionaires perspective) with Tony Blair. Yet negotiate a fi ne line between plays was a standard-bearer for Sam Evidently theatre can have a have to be eliminated” and there is a big difference between that will make a profi t; and those Mendes. Otherwise they either go downside. After all, Beckett’s fame more the prophetic “in the brandishing a guitar and writing an challenging, quirky numbers that over budget – thereby preventing rests on making nothing happen, words of Scripture, the time article in The Guardian expressing only sadists want to see. This was the presentation of similar shows twice. has come to set aside child- ish things”. He framed the challenge as a collective one, yet likened the American Paradise Lost – literally story so relentlessly to that of his own life that he brought into the campaign the kind of What sort of moron goes abroad to spend an ent re hol day at the hotel messianism more worthy of a revolutionary leader than a not the most culturally diverse while an enthusiastic rep conveyed have been in Sharm-el-Sheik, the future White House policy- places you may ever visit. After his enthusiasm by enthusiastically Dominican Republic or Miami for maker. we had taken in the Bahamas announcing the impending bout of – all they could tell, were commit- A year and half in offi ce, National Library (four fl ours in argh! – poolside bingo. tedly chucking down booze to a he still fashions himself as a former jail, lined with copies of Next door there were more. man. Unfortunately for them it’s a Mandela of the American John Grisham thrillers and the Acres of nonchalant holiday- just so diffi cult to get drunk on workers and with no less Narnia Chronicles), the Bahamas makers swapping their dollar for all-inclusive cocktails watered vigour conceitedly uses Art Gallery (closed for renovation) what looked like the world’s worst down to the strength of Tropicana. that most shapeless mantra and the Bahamian Parliament, we garden party. At least a bit of To ignore the location of your “change” to mark so bluntly devised a cultural tour of our own: jelly-wrestling might have spiced holiday so decisively is to insult the spark of the moments of Tourist-watching. things up. True, I did spot some the beauty and variety of the rest the White House’s triumphs. KATE MASON Though tourists were noticeably amorous grappling between two of the world. On even the smallest President Obama may be lacking on the fabled beaches and sun-creamed scallywags but that and most uniformly paradisical of a great reformer, but please in downtown Nassau, we knew was as hot as it got. islands, there are things to be seen let’s not follow him in his own s a result of that unspellable exactly where to fi nd them. Sneak- By the third visit – where we – not merely glanced at on the free myth-driven overestimation Icelandic volcano, I recently ing past the front desk of a resort were unfortunately spotted by shuttle ride from airport to resort. of his moment-defi ning signifi - Agot trapped abroad. I say (their natural habitat), we found security – we knew the deadened- To exist in a hermetically sealed cance. His actual historical ‘abroad’ out of habit, since the our fi rst: the obese American with eyed look of the all-inclusive self-replenishing shell with your signifi cance can hardly be sympathy you get when people fi nd chums, wristbanded and crushed holiday-maker. I understand, I fellow country-men for company is overestimated; my problem is out you’ve been swanning around into the inadequate space beside understand: the money-saving to mock the purpose of travel. It is the mission-like sentiments he in the Bahamas for an extra week the bar beside the pool. Further potential and comforting lack of to dismiss location as irrelevant. uses. is, as I discovered, fairly limited. in, here were more of the same, restaurant choice might be just the For such travellers I have some SONA URBANCIKOVA Paradise Island and New Provi- gorging commitedly on something thing. Yet at what cost? Tagged advice: get a sunbed, and stay at dence, where I was staying, are that resembled school sports teas, and herded, the guests, who might home. News Editor: Charlotte Runcie and Natasha Pesaran Wednesday June 16th 2010 7 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NEws iNtERviEw Moazzam Begg: Obama is “more dangerous” than Bush

Joel Massey talks to former Guantanamo Bay detainee Moazzam Begg about Obama, McDonald’s and life inside the world’s most notorious detention facility

here was a knock on my door at back; my hair and beard shaved off so I couldn’t Why does he think they have decided on such He uses the language of reconciliation with the midnight,” begins Moazzam Begg even recognise myself in the mirror.” a course of action? “It’s almost as if it’s more Muslim world, but in reality there hasn’t been “Tas he recounts his story to me to In February 2003 he was moved to the now expedient and efficient, rather than to detain much change at all.” me down a crackling phone line. “I answered infamous Guantanamo Bay detainment camp people for years and earn public scrutiny as Finally, I ask when he thinks we might see it to find a group of people,” he continues, in Cuba. Begg says that there he “remained in a result, to simply kill them. That’s what’s the closure of Guantanamo Bay. “If you see “un-uniformed and un-identified. A gun was a cell measuring eight feet by six feet, isolated happening.” Guantanamo now it’s like a small American put to my head. They put a hood over me and from any other human being, except guards Perhaps most interesting of all was Begg’s town. So much financial investment has gone carried me off into the back of a vehicle.” and interrogators for 2 years.” Was he never view that, not only have we not really moved into it; tens of millions of dollars just in build- This happened in Pakistan on 31st January allowed out of his cell? “Only for something forwards since the Bush years, but that in ing the state of the art prisons. You’ve got 2002. It was the beginning of an ordeal that they called ‘recreation’. This meant walking some ways Obama has taken us backwards. McDonald’s, KFC and everything else you’d lasted until 25th January 2005 when, as Begg around in a fifteen square feet caged area “Bush was an openly combative President. He find in a normal American town. All of this later says, he was “released without charge, outside.” Begg tells me he was only allowed to didn’t explicitly endorse torture, but he talked has been built on site at Guantanamo for use without a trial and without an explanation.” do this for fifteen minutes twice a week. about ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ and by the soldiers, guardsmen, interrogators and Begg is a British citizen, brought up in an So, what was an ‘average’ day like in Guantan- everyone knew what he meant. Obama is more support staff. I don’t see it closing anytime in ordinary middle class family in Birmingham. amo Bay? “For me, as a Muslim, it would begin dangerous in a sense because he says all the the future, whether it is ten years or more: He moved to Afghanistan in the summer of with dawn prayer, which was a welcome break right words and speaks the right language. Guantanamo is here to stay.” 2001 with his wife and three children. He was from the monotony of the rest of the day. Then there to “continue a project we started in the there was a very bland, very minimal meal UK, to build a school for girls in Kabul.” served for breakfast, pushed through what they call a ‘bean hole’. And that’s it. For the rest of the day I would walk around in my cell: “I was stripped naked; three steps forward and three steps back.” After a pause, he sums up life at Guantanamo punched, kicked and by simply saying, “nothing happens.” I wonder what his relationship was like dragged in the mud; with his captors, and am taken aback by the magnanimity of his reply. “Some of them were dogs were brought very decent people. Some of those people are so close I could feel still my friends to this day; we’re friends on facebook in fact. Two American soldiers have their saliva dripping come to the UK and toured with me, talking about our opposite experiences.” on my back; my hair Moving away from his experiences in Guantanamo Bay, I felt I had to ask which of his and beard shaved off actions might have alerted the suspicion of the US and Pakistani authorities in the first place. so I couldn’t even “Well,” he says, “the Americans had offered recognise myself in bounties of thousands of dollars on any foreign Muslims who happened to be in a certain region the mirror.” of southern Pakistan at the time.” But was he not once at a militant Islamic training camp? Air raids after 9/11 led him to flee with his “I went in 1993, yes. But they didn’t know family to Pakistan. There he was arrested by that at the time, it wasn’t one of the reasons Pakistani officials and taken to two US-run for my arrest.” Yet why visit such a camp in detention facilities in Afghanistan, first Kanda- the first place? “Well, tens of thousands of har, then Bagram. people were going to these camps. It was seen “That’s where the brutality began,” he as quite normal. Remember they were funded recalls. “I was stripped naked; punched, kicked by American and British money. Now we think and dragged in the mud; dogs were brought so these places are all about terrorism, but they close I could feel their saliva dripping on my weren’t seen like that then. It was completely different.” In the later stages of the interview I want to hear Begg’s views on the broader politi- cal context surrounding Guantanamo Bay. Has the new US administration made any progress? “Obama began his presidency by saying that he’d close Guantanamo, close secret detention sites and stop torture. In reality, what’s happened is that there are still 180 people in Guantanamo Bay; still military detention sites dotted around the world and proxy detention is still taking place. That’s where countries known to be abusers of human rights are befriended by the United States in order to allow for the outsourcing of torture. More disturbingly still,” he continues, “Obama has begun a policy of targeted assas- sinations: simply extra-judicial killings, Guantanamo Bay detention camp, Cuba sanctioned by the very highest authorities.” 8 Wednesday June 16th 2010 Fashion Editor Isabel Perry & Ishbel Mull FASHION www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Fashion Editor Isabel Perry & Ishbel Mull Wednesday June 16th 2010 9 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk FASHION KATHERINE SPENCE

KATHERINE SPENCE

10 Wednesday June 16th 2010 Features Ed tor Lara Prendergast FEATURES www varsty co uk features@varsty co uk All The Pretty Fraudsters

V ctor  Bele delves nto the unconvent onl but surpr s nl rewrd n world of the cdem c chrltn

cheated on my A-Level History Not a classic morality tale how a middle class exam. Well, I tried. I covertly perhaps, but I think what we take head-case managed I printed memory jogging from it is that honesty is an old to dry hump a preppy abbreviations running between my fashioned virtue, and not even the dreamboat and get fi ngers in shaky biro. But all my clergy are that bothered about accepted to Harvard. spidery Italian Unifi cation prompts: it anymore. Being an untrust- The piece of presumed ‘Piedmont vs Lombardy Smackdown’ worthy individual who has ended autobiographical fl uff, and ‘Fragmentation = MUSSOLINI’ up in a prestigious university I remarkable for the sweated away in the ten minutes am enduringly fascinated by the age of its author, was waiting outside the exam hall, and I high-achieving con-artist who a few months later spent the next three hours desper- revealed to be heavily, ately trying to decipher blurred fl agrantly plagiarised notes off my knuckles. Eating a “The fear of being from the works of post-exam bag of Nik Naks I was well-established teen bitched out for my failings by my caught is no writer Meg Cabot. friend Catherine and told that McCafferty was Post-it notes smuggled in the tights disincentive when pilloried in the press was a better call. and disappeared from Then, suddenly, I felt Guilty. It compared with prominence. Adam was awful: no sternly handsome Wheeler operated on the thought of MARTHA RAWLINSON Philosophy teacher had threatened a far higher plane of me with consequences; I hadn’t anonymity.” trickery, faking all of punched my sister on the nose and his test scores, refer- from the ‘Evil’ playlist on their iPod out of his court case, even with his had it caught on home video like ences and achievements to gain and the heady sense of Getting custodial sentence, with a clutch of when I was seven; my dad didn’t has completely disregarded all entry to Harvard, and was only Away With It All made that a small job offers from companies impressed even know what I’d done, and yet I thought of convention and the discovered when he attempted, two price to pay. Besides, since her by such an enterprising young man. still wanted to repent. I was utterly threat of punishment. The most years later, to win the Fulbright plagiarism debacle, Megan McCaf- Adam Wheeler and I may have little unprepared for the remorse I felt, recent examples of such magnifi cent Scholarship and transfer to Oxford. ferty has been offered a place at in common except all-American and spent the rest of the afternoon swindlers have been Adam Wheeler Clearly when you reach a Georgetown, and received an intern- good looks, but I think I understand sprinting round all the Catholic and Megan McCafferty. Both are certain level of success you feel ship at one of the most prestigious his appetite for sneakery. churches in my home town seeking or were Harvard students who immune from discovery; the fear law fi rms in the country. Say what So I say scam the exam boards, absolution. The priest I fi nally found attracted media attention due to of being caught is no disincentive you like about infamy – it certainly lie extravagantly in your next job gave me a glass of water, told me quite astonishing acts of decep- when compared with anonymity, makes you memorable, and perhaps interview, treat life generally like they only did confession between tion. McCafferty was fi rst reported with failure. These Ivy League employers have more appetite than a free bar, and, when you are inevi- three and fi ve on Saturdays, and on due to her book deal for How con-artists were moments away the Careers Service would have you tably caught, walk away with eight that the Lord did not approve of my Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild from discovery and downfall at any think for a lovable rogue. bottles of champagne stashed in plans for breast implants. and Got a Life, an uplifting tale of moment, but the thumping beats Adam Wheeler will no doubt come your dress and your head held high.

A Farewell to Academia Cut out and keep: Jmes Morn muses br efl on the th ns he w ll m ss most from h s cdem c creer n Cmbr de Surviving a Hangover

Putting the word ‘qua’ in a sen- Waiting for a friend to leave the Put t n our wllet or st c t on our ce l n tence and underling it without re- room, and then inserting a rude You’ll be ld ou d d ally knowing quite what it means. word somewhere obscure in their unfi nished essay—ideally one Drawing the conclusion that mat- which betokens a lonely, unhinged cold pizza & potato waffl es. ters are more complicated than but imaginatively sick mind. Solidarity: Safety in num- they initially appeared but that bers. Choose carefully - you Acceptance: A stroll in the space does not permit me to go into Inventing and solving problems OLIVIA AMATO PACE need a balance of support, sunshine can help. Do NOT more depth. of no consequence in order to beef 3 knowledge that one of your go to the gym. This is no up the word count (“is Dawkins Lucozade Sport: In cases 5 friends was probably worse than time for purgatory. The idea of Drinking far more liquids than feels actually a witch? No. No he isn’t. So where drinking has become you, and an agreement not to tag ‘running it off’ is fl awed in that: comfortable in order to enjoy regu- in the end we must conclude that 1 an extreme sport, the trick photos that were only funny at a) The early morning gym atmos- lar toilet breaks during revision. matters are more complicated than of the truly skilled is to down the time. Guilt, self-doubt, and phere of green tea and smugness they initially appeared, but space one before sleeping, and another dubious memory can be aided by is nauseating. does not permit me to go into more at the 4am fi rst wake up. Pair a friend, who in an ideal world b) The last thing your body needs depth”). this with high potency vitamin B6 and your body is (almost) will only respond to dehydrated is to lose more water. It will hate moans with water, and no helpful you. Not paying that FUCKING £45 transformed into an alcohol- reminders of drunk-dialling in- c) The early gym clan (who all fee the History library tried to processing machine. Prepara- cidents (deleting your sent mes- know each other) register your screw out of me – I THOUGHT IT tion is key: hit the Boots meal sages before sleep saves pointless stumbling entrance, and are all WAS A LONG LOAN BOOK YOU deal the day before - saving anxiety). secretly timing your (8 minutes MONEY-GRABBING WHORES, money and desperate attempts later) scuttling exit. Embrace it. so why don’t you look for convinc- to rehydrate with a pint of stale Food: Nutritionists recom- Stay in bed. ing and corroborative evidence for water in the early hours. mend a light, high protein the location of my ASS and KISS breakfast including fresh Alcohol: This is a time when IT? Sleep: Breaking the exam 4 habit of dragging yourself up fruit, whole-wheat toast, and the ‘more is more darling’ herbal tea. Nutritionists do not principle works – just don’t Doing Theology at Cambridge and 2 at 6/7 am is crucial - roll over 6 drink. Avoid bizarre cravings or drink whatever you had the night never reading the New Testament and count sheep (or VKs). Your anything acidic (grapefruit juice) before (a recipe for fl ashbacks, (fuck you, Jesus, and all the rest of duvet is your friend. Outside the but otherwise eat whatever will and once again, nausea). Egypt!) duvet there is only shivering, and the risk of running into people. help. Local favourites include AMBER MEDLAND KATHERINE SPENCE

Features Ed tor Lara Prendergast Wednesday June 16th 2010 11 features@vars tycouk wwwvars tycouk FEATURES Ballcrashing 101 Like most things illegal, crashing Mall Balls is thoroughly entertaining. Nathan Brooker met up with two May Week jesters to discuss the art behind their outrageous pastime

he genius of the ballcrasher is one of up to no good too’. Touchstone then follows Feste’s been crashing balls since his fi rst up to the main gate and demanded to see May Week’s more shadowy charms. his new friend’s advice, pins himself to the year when, disgruntled by the fact that his the May Ball President”. The confused be- TThose that dare practise the disci- wall and scurries into the college through college was ordering him out of his room sashed offi cial stared back at him blankly. pline may not have the universal appeal an adjacent window. “I’ll try and get a door for the duration of their event, he decided Touchstone continued: “‘Look! Do you not of a cool, riverside glass of Pimm’s, or the open for you,” he shouts over his shoulder, to exact his revenge. Vacating his room in who I am?! Get Richard. Go and get Richard casual gamesmanship of a frame or two of “go round the back.” the morning of the ball, Feste and a college immediately, I need to speak to the May Ball croquet, but they do have each other. Take buddy holed themselves up in a laundry President!’”. Apparently the offi cial didn’t Pembroke’s June Event two years ago: as cupboard for hours until the college’s silly, do as told, instead he just stared at our the sun set on that warm summer evening, “Crashing has been overblown little party got under way and jester more intently. “Listen!” Touchstone the pavements around Trumpington Street they could brave it down the staircase to begins again, “I’ve been patient enough, will began to hum gently with an excited string around as long as May join the festivities. “May Balls are full of you just get the f***ing President!”. The of elegantly dressed students. Those excited rich, pompous idiots,” Feste claims, a deri- offi cial cuts him off, unable to take any more: young revellers, eager to taste the delights Balls.” sive glint shining in his eye, “always going that their Student Committee had spent around saying things like: ‘Oh! I couldn’t the last two terms organising for them, may So begins the story of Touchstone and possibly do that in this suit!’. It’s pathetic.” be forgiven for not noticing the tall, dark- Feste, leaders of a motley gang of Cam- Touchstone’s motives for ballcrashing “The jesters are not haired student hanging out of a fi rst fl oor bridge ballcrashers hell bent on enjoying the are far less political than his buddy’s. For too keen to talk window on Pembroke Street. Attempting luxury of the university’s May Balls without Touchstone, it’s all about the game and the to scramble through a bathroom awning paying a penny for the privilege... Oh, and if artistry of the piece. “You could boil it down about the specifics window, this hero was midway through his there’s an ice sculpture to knock over along to all the free rides you can get on, or how third or fourth attempt to break into the the way, or a Survivors’ Photo to spoil, then much champagne you can drink: I don’t care of their methodology, ball. Most people witnessing this would have they’re bang up for that as well. about any of that.” Touchstone clarifi es: “All crossed to the other side of the street; or When we caught up with the pair last I care about is that it’s something exclusive preferring instead alerted the authorities. Not our man Feste week, the heroes recounted how that fi rst and, despite all their efforts to stop me, I’m though. No, he sees Touchstone dangling night they gorged themselves on Pem- fi nding a way around them”. There’s a pause: to focus on the above the glistening concrete and offers broke’s food, booze and entertainment “It’s a game,” he says, forcefully, “and I love mythology.” some sagely advice: “You know, there’s an before, in the bleary light of the morning, it.” open window to your right. I think I can see slipped back to one of their college rooms “So,” I ask, “what tactics do you use to play a ledge that you could shimmy along just to drink strong coffee and regale each other this game?” “What are you talking about?! I AM the there.” with their own litany of past con- quests. “Primarily,” he says, “it’s about misdirec- f***ing President!” “Oh,” Touchstone replies, his scrambling tion.” Feste nods approvingly. “It’s like Der- Our jesters are, of course, not without legs pausing momentarily from scraping ren Brown; you have to build a situation their jaw-dropping successes. Last year’s the brickwork, “I’ll give that a go. and get someone to start thinking May Balls were hit uniformly by the pair: Thanks.” Touchstone pulls his head in a certain way. Then, by aligning Queens’, Corpus, St John’s, all crashed to out of the window and turns to his tiny principles of behaviour devastating effect. Visitors to YouTube may counterpart. Their and reaction, you can have already seen some amazing footage of eyes meet and in achieve the most unlikely the crashers in action; they’re slowly amass- a fl ash each knows outcomes. It’s fascinat- ing quite an army of followers. full well what ing, really.” The jesters are not too keen to talk about the other’s doing The course of a the specifi cs of their methodology, prefer- there. As subtle good ball crash ring instead to focus on the mythology that as a heartbeat, doesn’t always run surrounds their illicit passion. “Crashing has the jokers have smooth, though. been around as long as May Balls,” Touch- the measure Touchstone warmly stone declares, “I know it goes back to at of each other treats me to a story least my grandfather’s generation”. It turns - ‘You’re about his most out Touchstone is not the fi rst crasher in his epic failure. “It bloodline. “My grandfather was at Trinity,” was at Emma,” he starts, “and he loved sneaking into John’s he starts, smil- functions”. “Did he give you any tips?” I ask. ing, “I “Well, not tips as such,” Touchstone answers, walked “but he had hand-drawn maps of the college, complete with possible entrances”. Has he tried them? “Well Cambridge doesn’t really change,” he starts, then sighs, “but most of the routes have been blocked off by now; well, all but one.” “All but one?” “Yes, there’s rumour that there’s some- thing underground, a passage; I haven’t checked it myself, but I’m almost certain-” “Dude,” Feste interjects, “I’m not sure we should go into that”. Touchstone pauses, nods and, grinning, sits back into the leather sofa. “Yeah, maybe not,” he says. “So,” I ask, “what have you got planned for this May Week?” Feste and Touchstone smile at each other. “Okay; we’ve got some things planned,” Feste starts, coyly, “but you’ll have to read the blogs”. Touchstone laughs coolly: “Needless to say, we’re going MARTHA RAWLINSON to do the big ones”. Vars ty ne ther condones nor has pr or knowledge of the ballcrashers’ act ons 12 Wednesday June 16th 2010 Theatre Editor: Augustina Dias THEATrE www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

ryan o’sullivan In Context I Heart Louie Sandys corpus playroom  Heart Louie Sandys is a bit of a standout in our Shake- Ispeare-laden theater scene: it combines ‘regular’ acting, video clips, nimble physical theatre, and that woefully underexplored medium: extremely loud shouting that rattles one’s sinuses. The plot, however, is not as remarkable. There’s plenty of iterations around (cf. Run, Fatboy, Run): downtrodden fella (John), On Sod’s Law: with a wisecracking buddy (Ben), I Heart Louie Sandys somehow, in competition with a much more charismatic and ponymous laws, where successful man (titular Louie would we be without Sandys), gets The Girl (Nora) after Eyou? From Avogadro’s, several setbacks. The difference keeping gas volumes in check, to here is that there’s no eucatastro- mannequins, chanting mindlessly Plenty of jokes cropped up here and laughs, they sometimes sprung Newton’s, about the body at rest phe and his lady goes off with the that they liked tennis and dancing. there -- at the beginning of a job from overused premises. Nora tells and all that, such rules named non-loser option. The play cleverly borrowed a interview, John is asked whether John that she’s in a radical new mostly after dead white men Unorthodox choices are the play’s technique seen in traditions like he would care for any chocolate, production of Hamlet, starring...a have important parts to play in strength. Two monitors on either kabuki theatre wherein stagehands banana. What? Theatre is our everyday lives. But perhaps side of centre stage played video assist in special effects on stage, sometimes pretentious? You don’t the most important of these snippets. In the clips, flashbacks such as sudden costume changes, “I thought the say! Later on, the screens inform is the one known as Murphy’s, occurred -- young Ben and John but count as invisible since they’re us that she is afraid of pirates. I a.k.a. Sod’s Law: the idea that assaulting someone in a port-a-loo clad in all black. An IHLS scene whole zombie/ thought the whole zombie/pirate/ anything which can go wrong, -- or scenes which would have been where this worked particularly viking trend had been laid to rest, will. Whereas the formerlaws awkward to stage -- new couple well had one of the actors, in black pirate/viking but apparently not. physically act upon us at all John and Nora getting their hump clothes and black ski mask, make The play’s main theme, most times without us realizing it, on for the first time, in super a candy bar float in a slow motion trend had been certainly, is bravery. The bravery whenever the latter occurs, we sped-up footage to show perhaps and bounce from the protagonist’s to carry on even when your life is are all too keenly aware. ten couplings (no full frontal clumsy hand into the eye of a laid to rest.” a string of utter failures, one right There is a corollary to all this, nudity, though). The technical team hapless office assistant. In another, after the other. The bravery to luckily; even though we find all deserves many plaudits for success- the (presumably same) man acted and on declining is told, “But the include novel video techniques in a too often that the toast lands fully engineering this rig. as a recalcitrant vending machine chocolate will die if you don’t care drama (which would have earned butter-side down in accordance There were also interludes of trapping a sweetie. for it.” The interviewer then began the play another star, but was with Sod’s, the inverse is that vigourous physical theatre. The Unfortunately, these absorbing a seemingly endless flight of rants negated by the garbled dialogue). sometimes, good luck will best was a moment of four actors moments don’t add up to a coherent about the joys of chocolate, in a The bravery for an actor to lurch happen to a person regardless onstage, an actor tipping the whole. The above mentioned inter- speech as flabby as the aimless onstage as an old lady, covered in of his or her actions. Such an other three one at a time, so that ludes were exactly that, islands exchanges John and Ben have. fake excrement. instance is the driving force they rocked back and forth like that didn’t contribute to the plot. And while the jokes elicited cathy bueker behind today’s reviewed play I Heart Louie Sandys, and you’ve probably experienced it too, t wasn’t for hungover ll seedy legacy from yester- albeit in the form of a total prick exactly A Little Night Music students to associations She Stoops To day in the form of getting something undeserved, Inight music. emmanuel fellows’ garden succumb to the Awith stoop- Conquer Chris Page Hastings’

rather than you finally getting Compulsory  laze of a sunny ing and conquering sidney sussex great hall gold Wyverns wrist- the good turn due to you. June sunshine afternoon and aside, the New  band which arguably Like any successful franchise, and the mini-paradise of Emman- music set to a waltz time; not Arcadians’ produc- did compliment his Sod’s got plenty of spinoffs. uel Fellows’ Garden made sure of so when our actors are equally tion of Goldsmith’s She Stoops fetching yellow collar. The Ribena The ‘Law of Selective Gravity’ that. There’s little to be made of soporific. But Fredrik Egerman To Conquer could not have made used to represent some form of suggests that any object which this musical Swedish romance but (Padley) resurrected the thing it more clear that it was being decanter-worthy alcoholic beverage can fall will do so as to cause the great songs and pleasant froth, with a nice injection of lawyerly staged in the aftermath of Suicide merely served to remind me how most damage, and there’s - shh! and director James Hallett was sleaze in Now, and the best line of Sunday and at the culmination of thirsty I was, making me resent - the ‘Unspeakable Law’, which right to leave it at that. the script: ‘I could ravish her – or I exam term. Most notably this was the fact that the Pimms sitting posits that when you mention Staggeringly inept ticket- could nap’. manifested in the production’s so temptingly behind me was not something, if it’s good, it goes handlers and a worringly From then on, it was increas- distinct sketchiness, such as the included in the ticket price, a point away, and if it’s bad, it happens. thesis-like plot synopsis in the ingly all a garden play should be: slightly distracting underwear which caused some dissension Yet perhaps we needn’t be programme set the stage for a fun as hell. The liaisons of the issues with one or two members amongst audience-members. It is so pessimistic? A philosophy real-life farce alongside the staged Egerman clan and brash actress of the cast (modest little Miss May Week, after all. student informs me that Sod’s one; thank what can only be May Desiree possessed the frantic pace Neville’s unexpected vampy side That said, She Stoops To Conquer idea of anything which can go Week charm, then, for the winning deceit requires; actors darted shining through her diaphanous was everything you might expect bad eventually will is guilty of performances of Andrew-Mark amongst the great tree-cum-dress- white dress), although possibly from a May Week show. It suffered that wicked logical fallacy, the Hanraham and Jonathan Padley, ing-room and Count Carl-Magnus this was to be expected given the from the classic constraints in being appeal to probability. To assume who did infidelity with all the Malcolm and Petra (Lottie Green- bawdiness of the title. That said, evidently under-rehearsed and that just because something shameless bravado of John Terry how) amped up the bawdy humour. this lack of finish was part of its restrained by the set, but the acting could happen, it will happen, is hitting Cindies. The absence of law students in the overall charm. overall was to be commended, quite inappropriate, apparently. A mime of the lined-up lovers audience, however, left the jibe Creative use of a rather limited particularly that of Emily Porton However, as another aloof, manipulated through clasped and at testamentary lawyers to fall space resulted in some innovative and Micky Alexander as Miss and ivory-tower Cambridger, this broken hands made for a banal a little flat; maybe they were too usage of the gallery of Sidney’s Mr Hardcastle, the blustering student fails to take heed of beginning, and too many early busy with their garden party. Great Hall; it produced some inter- Alexander admirably sustaining a concrete Sodding examples of lines were gone with the summer It’s hard to blame them. esting dramatic effects but posed broad Yorkshire accent throughout. the greats from history, great wind. It was slow, and stilted; Fabulous as the better songs, some difficulties in terms of head- It was evident that both audience and small, Beethoven losing his Madame Armfeldt seemed vulner- Weekend in the Country in craning and where the audience and cast were enjoying themselves; hearing just as he was crafting able to dying in her wheelchair, particular, and the setting may were supposed to be looking. There though a little patchy around the his greatest symphonies is one and her granddaughter vulnerable have been, the initial malaise was were some intruiging anachro- edges, She Stoops To Conquer is such. to dying in tedium. It’s expected difficult to forgive. abigail dean nisms, particularly the evident undeniably fun. ellie chan In the end, all it boils down to is that life just isn’t fucking fair. guide to star ratings:  ‘isn’t it ironic...dontcha think?’ lame.  slight wince  butter side down  expertly cathy bueker placed banana skin  not being the messiah, but a very naughty boy. Rev ews Ed tor Jess ca Jenn ngs Wednesday June 16th 2010 13 revews@varsty co uk www varsty co uk REVIEWS

rendering Frank removes it from Almond Frank the plasma casing. He knows. WHITE BRILLIANCE. The Croissants Bretschneider Aleph reveals itself. A sphere EXP of knowing, intersecting with a  sphere of knowledge. WHITE BRILLIANCE. Olaf and Carsten look on. They young Sri Lankan child know. recently sex-traffi cked to --- Not even the Delphic AEastern Europe collapses could have pre-ordained such a and lodges his head in the grate of discovery. The Aleph on a Blue an Estonian storm drain: Telom- Prussian!? ... in store in Cambridge ere fl are; resonance calculation; A(n apparently temporary) synovial extension. Full-body gravitational reversal focussed lmond croissants hyper-shock ensues. Left Ulna purely on the child’s location is have their origins in shatters in upper-thoracic pulses instigated. Chin currently below Anineteenth-century against the macadamise road- the grate. Eyelids fl icker far France. Now they’re every- surface. Motor-speech area of beyond 50Hz as if Bogota could be where, and in variety. So I lower-Broca confi nes the synapse espied through Gamma attempts. thought I’d fi nd out where to implosion: self-destruction of Non-success. get the best almond croissant in neuronal pools. As if in a rewriting the envelope houses the 35th Carsten Nicolai look on muttering Body turned upside. Heels to Cambridge. of Norbert Weiner’s cybernetics anniversary of the founding nothings about Dolby’s demise. the sky. Right arm alongside hip, Almond croissants are made thesis on stochastic processes, the of Raster-Noton: mixed-race Long-distance pick-ups allow a shattered left between grate by wrapping the croissant child’s body develops a feedback waitresses serve mocktails to the clarity of recording previously not trembles as the reverse-gravity around an almond paste, made system with results comparable to Germans with bowel-sensitivity authenticated by the Institute of amplifi es nervous tension. from equal amounts of pounded robotic systematicity: movements and react to subtle brushing (but German Tonal Interpreters. Chute of brilliance towers almonds and sugar, moistened were counter-intuitive but interest- no more) of their rear ends with The fi rst sonic rendering of an and enters the envelope. Deute- with egg white. The almond ingly repetitive; orifi ces expelled sensual lip fi lling and almost- Estonian city-scape is underway. rium, Tritium and subsequently fi lling should be soft, sweet sounds similar to the release inaudible groans. Borges’ infi nity is interpolated Helium-4 dominate the gaseous and not overpowering, sitting sections on out-dated hydraulic Frank Bretschneider sits at onto thirty-fi ve sound-cylinders contention. Proton-proton chains evenly inside the squidgy, fl aky compression systems. one end of the ship calibrating the from centuries past. One refl ects are out-moded by a CNO cycle. shell. It seems simple, but many A Blue Prussian whirrs fi eld-mics to cancel out the noise the sphere’s white with a singu- The child remains upside. He of the chain stores get it very overhead. The gondola below from the engines. Olaf Bender and lar sheen. On completion of the remains. ANDREW SPYROU wrong. First: the exterior. The crois- sants should be golden-brown. iverpool: Picasso: War and There is While the croissants on the cultural also a strong market tend to be quite a good Lcapital Peace presence of his colour, Café Nero has the best of Europe 2008. TATE LIVERPOOL better-known fl aky squidginess, even though, Marking out  works, like somehow, their croissants don’t the triangle of his Weeping look as good. Although the cultural corners Woman and his original French recipe has the are two artful cathedrals and the dark still life series, such as Black croissants glazed, most shops Tate, which sits on Albert Dock, Jug and Skull (1942, below). go for the more sophisticated guarding the sea from the sad But it is his obsessively recur- option of dusting the crois- history of the city. Since the end of ring depictions of birds that steal sants with icing sugar and May, the Tate has hosted an exhibi- the show. From the many doves of sprinkling fl aked almonds on tion of Picasso’s more political peace to the nationalistic French top. The exception to the rule works, which seems appropriate to symbol of the rooster, the exhibi- is Starbucks, whose thick glaze elieve it or Prince of Persia actor best known for the troubled history of Liverpool. tion traces his life and politics gives a too-sweet effect and not, Prince his impeccably digni- The exhibition is arranged through the symbolic birds he brings about sniggers, even VUE CINEMA Bof Persia  fi ed Gandhi seems to tightly and intelligently around the obsessively reproduced in his art. from people less puerile than was actually sort of have renounced his theme of war, but spans a broad Surprisingly, the most inter- me. passable for what it was. I’ll admit reputation in favour of a character range of Picasso’s famously diverse esting and unusual piece of this Surprisingly, given its beauti- it took some of my friends a signifi - consumed with blind lust for power. styles. As well as a thorough thoughtful exhibition is Picasso’s ful cake selection and perfectly cant amount of persuading to come As for Jake Gyllenhaal, on the collection of Picasso’s drawings 1932 brass Cock. This fairly large presented meals, Patisserie and see it with me on the Saturday other hand, I wasn’t too surprised and studies for his much under- bronze depiction of a rooster, its Valerie comes last by miles night before May Week, but for a to see him prancing about in rated War and Peace murals, his head turned round and its leg when it comes to looks. Hard fantasy fi lm set in ancient Persia it billowing silk robes. largest political work post-WW2, stretched, renders the bird twisted and dark from overcooking, defi nitely achieved its aim. Amidst the swelteringly roman- the exhibition holds a number of but elegant, and seems to capture their huge croissants (at least Role-reversal character twists, tic camel-rides back and forth unusual works. It ventures off the the same darkness and beauty that twice the size of any other) intense (but utterly impossible) across the desert, the dialogue beaten track of Picasso’s canon, can be found outside the exhibition are intimidating and sadly fi ght scenes complete with manic between the main ‘couple’ (Jake even treading tentatively into his in Liverpool. Most certainly worth unappetising. At £1.50 to take assassins fl ailing sabres and pet Gyllenhaal and Gemma Arterton) less successful ceramic work. a day-trip. JESSICA JENNINGS away, or £2.50 to eat in, these snakes, a sword fi lled with sand was somewhat parched of any croissants approach the top of which can time-travel its holder depth beyond the cheesy Holly- the price range, and, with a into the past and a generic love wood one-liners. In short, it was fi lling that’s pretty much a log story involving a surprisingly about as wooden as foreplay with of grainy, perfumey marzipan, attractive princess-warrior, the Pinocchio. In spite of the script, you’re paying for quantity alone. fi lm satisfi ed every possible cliché though, you could cut the sexual The too-perfumey effect its genre can offer. tension between them with a knife comes from an over-use of It even ticked the ‘dark-but-not- (perhaps one of the many throw- almond fl avourings. Café really-because-its-a-Disney-fi lm ing knives of which the assassins Nero does well, not having an political satire’ box: an army appear to have an unlimited supply overpoweringly nasal taste, as invading a middle-eastern city on up their sleeves?). does Pret A Manger. The fi lling the false pretext that they were The casting for the minor charac- in Pret’s croissants is the only producing weaponry; generic evil ters was unsurprising. I’ll pass one that is gooey as opposed brother (Sir Ben Kingsley) then over the fact that tokenry was to solid, and this is a pleasant spends most of the fi lm digging into rife and pretend that this doesn’t break away from tradition. the sand for a precious mineral. happen any more. Without spoiling Pret steals the show with its I’m guessing the director wasn’t the ending, at the end Jake Gyllen- great value: at £1.25 to take allowed to see Avatar before haal uses time-travel to go back to away, it’s a good 25p cheaper agreeing to pass the ‘subtle’ hints the beginning of the fi lm. So none than the average, and with its towards this tediously repetitive of the above actually happened. slight bitterness, it’s also the message. The End. Believe it or not… only one with truly croissanty I was pretty appalled that the NICK CHAPMAN fl akiness. JESSICA JENNINGS 14 Wednesday June 16th 2010 L st ngs Ed tor Jess ca Jenn ngs LISTINGS wwwvarstycouk lstngs@varstycouk May Week Listings Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events

Relesed Tod Tod Th s wee Ono n Exh b t ons Com n soon Killers Smugglers Run Heart Louis Sandys The Indian Portrait Cam*Era: 18th-20th June NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY FREE VUE CINEMAS, 12:15, 14:35, 17:05, 19:20, 21:40 THE HAYMAKERS, 20.00 £4 CORPUS CHRISTI PLAYROOMS, 19.30 £5/6 VARIABLE, FREE Katherine Heigl gets back into her Young male 4-piece The Fletcher Players put on this Tells the rich history of International student comedy casting box, starring along- Pick band Smugglers Run play about a hopeless romantic Indian portraiture fi lm-makers, industry side Ashton Kutcher in this spy-fi of the headline tonight’s John Harris, who fi nally gets the over the sixteenth-, professionals and day seventeenth- and rom-com along the lines of Mr and Music gig. Also playing girl of his dreams as his life seems enthusiasts come Mrs Smith and The Bounty Hunter. are The Sunsets and to spiral out of his control. Every eighteenth- together for a When fl ashy super-assassin Emily Fraser, the day until Saturday. centuries. A three-day show- Kutcher meets Heigl, Cambridge-based magnifi cent case of short fun-loving beauty electroacoustic-folk A Little Night Music collection fi lms. With fi lms from diverse on the rebound, he acoustic singer at EMMANUEL FELLOW’S GARDENS, 14.30 £6/8 being screened falls in love and the Haymakers, The Cambridge Uni- regions of around the Uni- Pick versity Broadway India, this gives up his life 54 High Street. of the versity colleges, of international Savoyard joins forces fascinating as well as talks Com n soon day intrigue. But Theatre with CUMTS and the and exotic and workshops his past comes Gil Karpas Gilbert & Sullivan exhibition will taking place in to haunt him and DJ societry to bring you merit a trip to college grounds, the and anyone Skunk at Stephen Sondheim’s comic A Little the capital before it festival celebrates not could be his the Fountain Night Music, based on Smiles of a fi nishes on 20th June. only new talent, but also enemy. Inn Summer Night, a fi lm by Ingmar the history of Cambridge. If you’re THE FOUNTAIN INN, 19.00 Bergman. Set in a Swedish week- Journeys: CamIris hanging around after May Week, Ono n £12.50 end country-house, it tells a number Photography Exhibition it’d be worth checking out the Bad Lieutenant With Jazz, Funk, Soul of love-stories, and features the ROBINSON WAY, 10.0017.00 FREE events, most of which take place on ARTS PICTUREHOUSE, 12:00 18:40 and Latin music, dance timeless ‘Send in the Clowns.’ This With a variety of photographic Saturday, on the Cam*Era website. Gambling, womanising, the night (and the end of May will probably be the best musical images, from digital to hand All workshops and talks are free, drugs, mobs, prostitution, exploita- Week) away at the third of the of the term. Continues today and printed, this exhibition is exciting but the fi lm festival is subject to an tion... director Abel Ferrara sticks Fountain Inn’s June Fridays. tomorrow. and diverse. entrance fee. to what he knows. L st d  to pre-order wth dscount the mays

  A collect on of the best short stor es, poetr nd rt  from Oxford nd Cmbr de        uest edted b  Amt Chudhur Tom Rworth

Benmn Sommerhlder the mays xviii mays the Vst wwwvrs tcou/ thems to plce our order onlne

£10 the Varsity Publications mays only Paperback – 224 pages 34 student contributors Varsity Publications £9 Enterta nment Ed tor Jul a L chnova Wednesday June 16th 2010 15 games@varsty co uk www varsty co uk ENTERTAINMENT

Comedy Box HOT Cocktail of The Tred of the Day SEARCH: CAMElS Varsty’s Hnnh Pe favourte Charlie + Lyons + ICA fat-carryng Cnded Mrrt desert Hannah Pegg was gently admired mammal This somewhat by a large portion of the college of the gentler take on the community for being humble and moment Mexican classic is a good listener. But whenever the perfect combi- she tried to tell a funny story that FIREWORKS see nation of supreme ‘drllng’, but pre er Mxtape lasted more than 20 seconds say, refreshment and everybody switched off. A real excessive booziness! Abortve Summer Blues shame... they often had excellent A brilliant pre-drink Wvves - No Hope  ds payoffs, but her peers, disengaged for any May-Week Lo-Fi/Noise Pop to grind the edge off by her spirit-diminishingly giddy extravagances a hangover & drown out the inevitable delivery, never heard them. planned. Everyone will love them, rain, Wavves weave a thick tapestry of and their simplicity means you can sound to hang on a wall of unrelenting make them absolutely anywhere. noise. CHEESE cheese at garden partes, cheese at Cndes, cheese n your Neon Ind n - Should’ve Ten Ac d room when you’ve run out of W th You everythng else n your frdge Recipe Varsity’s Charlie Lyons works The Mornn Follow- In a backlash to the hackneyed “glo- fi ”, Neon Indian packs laid-back synths with the ICA to assault the n Homerton M ● 2 shots tequla SEXOMNIA lke when you CAN and rides chillwave in an anthem for ● unsuspecting public with ques- Bll 2007 sleep but only when you’re shaggng 1 shot of sugar syrup (dssolve 3 endless, wasted summers. tions like “Do you think old someone Recently a real sleepng parts sugar n 1 part water) people have earned the right to dsorder ● 1 shot contreau The Ver Best ft Ezr oen  - hump trash?” Tents and poles ● 1 shot lme uce (can be bought by Wrm Hert of Afr c like the scaffolds and houses PACKING Who wants to be stu ng the bo le from Sansburys) Everyone needs to listen to more of the assurance of our youth ther drty laundry nto ther parents’ world music, and Malawi’s The Very Best YouTube comment are removed. car when they could stll be ge ng Bung all the ingredients into a Best deserves a place in everyone’s pssed tall glass and stir them vigor- CD collection. WTF I LOVE THIS GUY! Not one echo speaks now of what ously together. Then top up with was there; DRILLING plenty of ice, and enjoy. This is a Atls Sound - Wlbout (w/Noh only patches on the lawn, keepng you up all great way to use up any left over Lennox) nght - but then t’s not One part Deerhunter, one part Animal Worst YouTube comment which will fade. tequila, and is sure to get any party Collective - you may be sick of mixed lke you have anythng started! If you’re feeling particu- else to do drinks after yet another garden party WTF I LOVE THIS GUY! LIAM WILLIAMS larly in need of a drink, making but as every schoolboy knows, some them by the jug works brilliantly. things are stronger than the sum of NOT TOM MICHAELIS their parts. ANDREW TINDALL Games & puzzles Varsity Crossword  528 Sudoku Kakuro

The ob ect s to nsert the numbers n the boxes to Fll the grd so that each run of squares adds up to the 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 23 11 7a sounds softly! (5) satsfy only one condton each row, column and 3x3 total n the box above or to the left Use only numbers 24 At closing, sadly reminiscent (9) box must contan the dgts 1 through 9 exactly once 1-9, and never use a number more than once per run (a 26 Moral correctness? Destroyed it, you number may reoccur n the same row n a separate run) would say (9) 27 11 7a left in imposter (5) 9 10 28 Generally established to yield confi r- mation (3) 29 Rockers’ partners follow trick junc- tion for manipulators (11) 11 12 Down 1 11 7a - head of Catholic-controlled church, that is (8) 2 As one academic institution said ... (8) 13 14 15 3 ... A dance is not a great start in assembly (5) 16 17 4 Casual partner’s aging boy? Unknown (3,4) / MADE BY GARETH MOORE GARETH BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com 18 19 20 5 Ingrediets of tiramisu spectacularly doubtful (7) MOORE GARETH BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com

21 22 6 Sprawling throw bringing in an expression of pain (9) The Varsity Scribblepad 7 11 7a as reward (6) 23 24 25 8 Pot of credit saving energy (6) 14 Narcissus, perhaps: ‘Come again?’ (9) Hitori 16 Type of party Nathan is to go off (8) 17 11 7a pants, heading off south instead Shade n the squares so that no number occurs more 26 27 (8) than once per row or column Shaded squares may not be horzontally or vertcally ad acent Unshaded squares 19 11 7a, going up 9p, including gross must form a sngle area underinfl ation at fi rst (7) 20 Turning up, regrets Sam, is a 28 29 potential source of comfort (7) 21 Circuitous nonsense worthily casting out contents of shop (6) 12 Signal in which it comes back as a 22 Dickens’s Bill audibly freaks people Across type of pie? (5) out (6) 1 In such places one tries to uphold the 13 Literary language of Germany, con- 25 Not initially just bad (5) law (11) densed into one month (7) 7 Stick to ban (3) 15 11 7a of which Jonathan Ross might 9 Coming together out of one noun (5) mention a box? (4) Last issue’s solutions 10 Wanton assortment of duets and soli 18 Circumstance goes with this back- (9) handed afternoon operation (4) 11 Sweet schoolteacher scandalously 20 Enormous quantity - hardly a jewel, stripped of hers (9) Crossword set by Cerdnga

on refl ection (7) MOORE GARETH BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 527): Across : 1 Caprine, 5 Prairie, 9 Blackmail, 10 Crumb, 11 Staring, 12 Equator, 13 Us, 14 Avenger, 16 Me, 17 Ear, 19 Be, 21 Accrues, 24 On, 25 Opus Dei, 26 Grimace, 27 India, 28 Dominions, 29 Lyncher, 30 Beast of Down: 2 Ablative, 3 Rack-rent, 4 Nominee, 5 Palaestra, 6 Account, 7 Rousts, 8 Embargoes, 9 Rejoinder, 16 Drum-Kits, 17 Bel Canto, 18 Mudbath, 21 Corvine, 22 Burden 16 Wednsday June 16th 2010 Sport Ed tor Joshua Games SPORT www varsty co uk sport@varsty co uk SPORT VARSITY CROQUET World Blues play some okay croquet Cuppers

JOEL TAYLOR

I’m sure there was a time when the group stages were more exciting. What about back in 1998 when John Collins scored the equal- iser against Brazil in the opening game? Or When Germany beat Saudi Arabia 8-0 in Japan in 2002? If these weren’t exciting fi nishes then they were goal routs. So what on earth has happened this time around? Already we’ve had a whole host of dour 1-1 games involving the likes of Algeria, Cameroon and New Zealand. But maybe I just have selec- tive memory. It was probably always like this. I blame the qualifying system. It’s there so that the World Cup is a truly Cambridge put in a measured performance to regain the Varsity title global tournament and, there- fore, not necessarily involving arrived without two of their top little difference, as the Cambridge of the courts, resulting in the play the 32 best teams in the world. CAMBRIDGE three players, including their world team were well adapted to the pace becoming rather scrappy and some When most of North Korea’s 7 number 154, who were ‘unfortu- of the courts after the morning mildly disparaging comments from team are turning out for nately’ busy doing exams. session. the Hurlingham members. Pyongyang City every week, OXFORD The match consists of nine games In the top match, Oxford’s half- The afternoon matches were it’s hardly surprising that these 2 of croquet: three doubles matches blue, Tom Whiteley, showed how played without time limits. Williams teams don’t enthral. in the morning session followed by he earned his half-blue, dominating and Garner pushed their opponents Sitting in the college bar O TAO 6 singles matches in the afternoon. Taylor from the hit in, winning +25 all the way, but were unable to adapt yesterday, a group of us decided The winner is the fi rst player to hit to the variable speed of the courts. to come up with a Rest of World A spirited performance by the his two balls through all 12 hoops Turnham and Folliard played XI compiled from teams which Cambridge team saw them return and then the peg. If time expires hard, grinding croquet, battling are not in South Africa. from the Hurlingham Club with a before either player has pegged out 5 against higher ranked opponents for What was remarkable was The number of debutants 7 – 2 result, the best Varsity match both balls, the winner is the player playing at this year’s match over 4 hours. the sheer talent missing from result in living memory. who has run the most hoops. Thorman played in the closest the tournament. Why do I have Last year’s 8 – 1 loss was a distant Turnham quickly showed that match of the day, narrowly avoid- to watch a New Zealand team memory as both teams fielded Cambridge meant business, getting ing an opponent peg out and twice with ‘creative’ midfi elders from only one player from that clash. in early in his doubles game and missing his own peg out before Auckland FC when I could be Cambridge was headed by their taking his ball around to 4-back (the 45 taking out the victory by +7 and watching Andrei Arshavin? returning blue, Joel Taylor, playing 10th hoop) on his fi rst real opportu- The number of minutes the accepting the plaudits of the very Mind you, as England fans, in his third consecutive Varsity nity, unfortunately breaking down Oxford team turned up late few spectators who braved the we should be quite happy that match. The fi ve other Cambridge before he could set up a diffi cult weather. Algeria’s star player, Yazid players — Rob Thorman, Edward next shot for his opponents. The result gives the Cambridge Mansouri, was once sent on his Turnham, James Folliard, Anthony It didn’t matter though: the with a classy double peel fi nish, and team great hopes for the student way by Coventry City in 2004 Williams and David Garner — were psychological damage was done and ending Taylor’s Varsity career with national championships in two after a distinctly lacklustre loan all making their light blue debut at although the Oxford pair battled a record of 0 wins and 6 losses. weeks’ time. spell. This does at least mean Hurlingham. hard, they were never really in the It was a different story in the Speaking to Associated Press and that England usually make it Even before the fi rst ball was game as Turnham and Folliard held other games though. Turnham the Croquet Gazette at the post- to the knockout stages when struck, Cambridge knew things on for a comfortable +10 victory. carried on his mental disintegra- match press conference, Taylor the quality football begins. But were going to go their way. After an insubstantial lunch, tion of his dark blue opposition, thanked the Oxford team for the until then, we’ll all have to put Oxford arrived 45 minutes late, the teams returned for the singles continuing to play through a torren- great competition and Watford up with a few Mickey Mouse giving the light blues crucial time games. Oxford had made several tial downpour that sent weaker Croquet Club’s Simon Hathrell for encounters in between. to acclimatise to the lightning fast substitutions in a desperate bid to players running for shelter. The his continued support of Cambridge JOSHUA GAMES carpet-like courts. Oxford also improve their fortunes, but it made rain played havoc with the speed croquet.