10 Tips every Self-Rep
Should Know
About Going to Family
Court
PLUS One from The
Godfather
BY: THE FAMILY LAW COACH
10 Tips every Self-Rep
Should Know
About Going to Family
Court
PLUS One from The
Godfather
Table of Contents Our Warning 1. You’re not alone – there’s help available
2. Nothing beats being prepared
3. You’re being watched
4. It’s not all about you
5. Size matters
6. Watch your buttons – If they give you grief, you give them pity
7. Control your expectations – get some good advice
8. Be sure you know who your friends are
9. Get your docs in order
10. Go to court last week
PLUS: 11. What Would the Godfather Advise?
Our Warning Message
The Family Law Coach has prepared this booklet to help inform people acting for themselves in family court about how to best present their case.
Nothing in this booklet is intended to be, or constitutes, legal advice.
One of the key messages of The Family law Coach is that anyone acting for themselves in family court will better off - stand a better chance of success - if they can get some legal advice, coaching assistance, and strategic analysis about their matter. We recognize how difficult that is to get in many cases, and that many self-reps can’t afford to hire a lawyer.
Our suggestion is that every self-rep find a way to get some specific and focused legal assistance by locating an experienced family law lawyer in their area who provides unbundled services. (This is discussed in greater detail on The Family Law Coach website, but means a lawyer who will agree to be hired to provide just one specific service rather than taking over your whole case.)
That’s why, apart from the free information available on The Family Law Coach website (www.thefamilylawcoach.com), you’ll find a variety of specific, focused, unbundled services for you to consider. They’re available by email and telephone at a fixed fee and tailored to fit your needs.
We hope you’ll find the Tips and information in this booklet useful. To contact The Family Law Coach about the unbundled services it offers from experienced family law lawyers check out our website at www.familylawcoach.com.
1. You’re not alone – there’s help available
The majority of people in family court in Ontario today are acting for themselves. You’re not alone.
But you’ll be much more effective than them if you get a bit of legal advice or coaching, even though you’re still representing yourself.
You’re not alone
In Ontario 64% of people beginning family court proceedings are acting for themselves. In the City of Toronto it’s 74%. And we all know that many people who begin proceedings with a lawyer end up acting for themselves because of cost or frustration.
Self-reps, people who represent themselves in court, often feel very isolated and alone. They don’t quite realize that there are way more people in court without lawyers than those with lawyers. The clear majority of people in family court don’t have lawyers.
But it’s not about how many others there are like you that matters, it’s how well you represent yourself that counts. And self-reps generally don’t do as well as those with lawyers.
Not having a lawyer doesn’t mean you can’t get some legal help
Just because you can’t afford to retain a lawyer, or don’t want to, doesn’t mean that you can’t get – or shouldn’t get - some good advice and coaching. Whatever we do, good advice and effective coaching will always help. Learning the tricks and ways to do a thing better from those who’ve done it before is a smart move.
Every elite athlete has access to advice and coaching. Teams pay huge amounts to people whose sole job it is to help those who are at the top of their game do even better. No top athlete, or one trying to get into the big leagues, thinks that they couldn’t benefit from some outside advice. Your pick- up hockey game, the way you do your job, or make dinner, and representing yourself in court will all benefit from meaningful advice from someone who’s done what you’re doing and has a better, more effective, way of doing it.
Getting some legal advice and coaching along the way – without retaining a lawyer to represent you but just hiring a lawyer for some specific help – will significantly increase your chances of success.
Look for “unbundled services” and a fixed fee
More and more family lawyers are beginning to offer unbundled services – to do only a specific piece of your case without requiring that you retain them on the traditional model. That’s called acting on a Limited Scope Retainer (LSR). If you’re acting for yourself you’ll likely benefit if you can get some of this specific advice.
Check around and ask before you book an appointment to meet with a lawyer if they act on Limited Scope Retainers and provide unbundled legal services. (A good tip about whether or not this lawyer does that sort of thing is whether they actually have a Retainer form designed to deal with a limited scope retainer file.)
Some family law lawyers offer unbundled services but most don’t. Of the ones that do, they don’t usually do it very often. They want to get you into the office so they can switch you to a full time client. Be careful.
And almost all family lawyers offering to do unbundled services still bill at their regular hourly rate. Not many offer unbundled services at a fixed fee, or flat fee.
On the other hand, The Family Law Coach connects you with lawyers who only work on the basis of a Limited Scope Retainer, offering unbundled family law services, at fixed fees, for self-represented litigants. That’s all we do. And because we do this through email and telephone you can use us wherever you are, without ever having to take time off work or get someone to look after the kids so you can come to an office and sit in the waiting room.
The unbundled services available through The Family Law Coach
The Family Law Coach provides a range of unbundled legal services to help get you the advice and assistance you may need from time to time from an experienced family law lawyer. You still remain in charge of your case and represent your self. But now you have access to legal advice, coaching assistance, and strategic analysis, just as if you had a lawyer – but at less cost.
It’s available without the requirement of paying a retainer up front, and you still remain in charge of your own case. It’s all done over the Internet or telephone so you don’t need to make an office visit, lose time from work, or get a babysitter. And you know your costs before you begin.
You can get a lawyer to:
Look over your documents before you file them, or to prepare them for you.
Go over your situation and discuss the legal principles and precedents which apply
Help you identify your strengths and weaknesses and how to deal with them
Provide personalized coaching and strategic advice
Give you an early, neutral evaluation of the strengths and weaknesses in your case and the case of the other party
Prepare a straightforward separation agreement fitted to your personal situation
Respond to your emails or questions about specific matters you’re facing
You’re not alone if you have back up support
Acting for yourself doesn’t mean being alone if you can get the back up and support you need.
That’s what The Family Law Coach is about. Helping you help yourself.
Check us out at The Family Law Coach website (www.thefamilylawcoach.com) to browse through the free information or see what unbundled service, at fixed fees, will be of use to you.
2. Nothing beats being prepared
The more prepared you are, the better you’re able to
represent yourself in court and make a strong and
compelling presentation.
And the more likely it is that the judge will pay close
attention to what you’re saying and to what you want.
You know your case – the Judge doesn’t
You’re in family court and you’re about to speak to a judge. You know your case inside and out. You’ve been waiting all morning, and perhaps part of the afternoon, to start talking to the judge.
But just because you know a lot about your own case doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to present it effectively. The best way of being effective is to be prepared.
Many people aren’t accustomed to public speaking. Especially in a situation with as much stress and tension as in your own family law matter. Having everything you want to say in your head doesn’t mean it will come out of your mouth. And often, as you’re speaking, the judge will interrupt to ask you about something and take you off track. Not only do you need to know all about your case, you need to be able to switch from one part of it to another, even though you didn’t want to do it that way.
“One important key to success is self- confidence. An important part of self-confidence is preparation.” Arthur Ashe
4 Helpful steps to being prepared
1. A week or more before you go to court get out 3 sheets of paper.
a. Title the first sheet: “What I want You to Order” and write out the things you want to judge to order.
b. Title the second sheet: “Why You Should Give Me What I want” and set out why the judge should agree with you.
c. Title the third sheet: “Here Are the Reasons to Give Me What I Want” and set out the facts and statements already in the material filed that supports what you’re saying. Say what paragraph in what document supports what you’re saying. (Each document before the court is in a Continuing Record. Be sure you have a copy of the Table of Contents of the Continuing Record – get a photocopy from the court a few days before going to court.) Then you can say: “This is set out in paragraph 7 of the affidavit of Joe Blow in the Continuing Record at Tab 6.
Don’t worry about being neat. Don’t worry about repeating anything. Don’t worry about how silly anything sounds. Just do it.
Then put those sheets away.
2. A few days later take a look at what you wrote. Simplify it. Organize it so that it makes sense. Usually when you look at what you wrote for the second time you can see that things could be better organized and said better. Make those revisions.
Put each point you want to make into a separate paragraph consisting of no more than three sentences. Then try to make each sentence on every page shorter.
Put your best points, the strongest ones, at the top and the less important ones below.
Then :
cut out the less important points
rewrite everything
put those pages away
3. One or two days before going to court look at what you wrote, put it aside, and rewrite everything again. Only this time, use the key points as topic headings and be sure you’re sticking to the main points and not getting into the little things.
Edit what you’ve written. Make it shorter and punchier.
Take out the attacks on the other person and stick to the facts in the court material.
Print that out. That’s what you’ll take it to court.
4. The last thing to do, maybe the night before court, is to take a fresh piece of paper and put down just the headings of the topics you want to discuss. You can get them from the sheets you did in Step 3.
Not the details, but just a list of the key orders you want the judge to make and the key topics of fact and law you want to discuss.
Print that out in bold face and in a larger font size so it’s really easy to read if you just glance at the sheet.
That’s your “My Key Points” sheet.
The morning before court go over your My Key Points sheet and take that along with the sheets from Step 3 to court. Put the My Key Points sheet on top of the other notes for when you speak to the judge. This will make it easier to make sure that you tell the court everything you want to, and that you do so in the most effective manner. And if the judge asks you a question you can put your finger at the spot where you were interrupted, Answer the judge, and then go back to where you were without missing anything.
“You have to rely on your preparation. You got to really be passionate and try to prepare more than anyone else, and put yourself in a position to succeed, and when the moment comes you got to enjoy, relax, breathe and rely on your preparation so that you can perform and not be anxious or filled with doubt.” Steve Nash
It’s said that Winston Churchill used to dictate each speech 3 times and then not use any of those notes at all when he spoke. By the time he got up he knew what he wanted to say and the most effective way of saying it without having to read the speech.
Not many of us are a Winston Churchill. But if you’ve prepared by doing the 4 steps above, and have your My Key Points sheet handy, you’ll be ready to deal with the matter and the judge will see that you cared enough about it to be prepared.
Judges like that.
3. You’re being watched
The judge is looking to see how seriously you’re taking your own case and whether you respect the system.
Dressing and acting well shows you do.
So do it.
First impressions count
You’re in court to get justice, right? The way you dress and act shouldn’t interfere with that, should it?
Well here’s news for you – It does.
How you look and act has a greater effect on the outcome of your matter than you might think.
First impressions count. In court you don’t have the time to change a bad impression of yourself, especially if you helped to create it.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression
Spoiler alert: Judges are human beings.
They’re just like you and me. The first impression you make when they see you is the one they’ll keep in mind until you change it. So give them a good impression from the very beginning. They’ll think what you have to say is deserving of respect if they feel that the way you present yourself is deserving of respect.
Depending upon the matter, the lawyers in court may be wearing gowns. Gowns were originally worn so every one appearing before the court looked the same and no one looked better or richer or more successful than anyone else. It was a way to level things – everyone was equal before the law. Every lawyer’s first impression was the same – except those with messy and stained gowns and vests too tight.
Lawyers in Canada still wear gowns – not wigs – in Superior Court for certain matters. In those cases, obviously, you don’t need to wear one. But you should always be at your best appearance regardless of the level of the court proceeding.
Don’t dress provocatively or sloppily. Wear decent clothes, not your Saturday morning going to the mall clothes. Track pants, tight and short tee shirts, team jerseys, etc., are out. Try to minimize weird haircuts or make-up. You don’t “prove” anything to a judge by deliberately wearing something to make you stand out.
If you’re in work clothes because you’ve just come from work, tell that to the judge. When you first stand up say that you apologize for your clothes, but that you’ve just come from work and haven’t had the time to change. If you have no better clothes because you’re out of the home and the other party won’t let you get your things, tell it to the judge. Just say it and stop. Don’t get into an argument with the other side. Just explain why you’re not dressed more appropriately. The judge will surely say, “That’s quite alright. Thank you.” as if what you’re wearing doesn’t make any difference. But he or she will be impressed that you thought to mention it.
Chewing gum, uncombed hair, slouching, mumbling, using slang or overly familiar language with the judge are all part of a package that suggests to a judge that you’re not taking matters very seriously. The odds are that the judge will be older than you and the way you dress today probably isn’t the way the judge dressed back in his or her day. The judge may not “get” that you don’t mean any disrespect.
You’ll get respect if you show respect
If you’re smart you’ll play all the angles, and make sure that you – and your supporters – appear and act in a way that shows you take your case seriously and that you respect the system. This goes a long way to establishing a good first impression and having the judge pay respect to what you have to say.
4. It’s not all about you
A family law case involves at least 2 people, and more if there’re children. The judge knows this. So should you.
Making the case all about you will hurt your case.
Knowing that the judge will be hearing from the other side, and dealing with that effectively, will help your case.
There are 2 sides to every story
It’s very easy when you’re involved in a family court matter to think that everything is about you. The other party has filed material that likely says unpleasant things about you. You’ve taken care, hopefully, in your material to explain away the negative allegations about you and tried to paint a better picture of yourself. There’s a lot about you in the material.
Many people come to court with a “Poor me, I’m the victim” approach. “Here’s my story of woe. Give me what I want.”
That doesn’t impress anyone. They’re concerned about what a judge will do regarding their rights and their obligations and they’re focused on telling the judge their story as they see it. They’re operating on the theory that if they sound sincere and tell their side of the story with conviction, that’s all they need to do.
That’s understandable. But short-sighted. And wrong. Besides, that approach doesn’t work.
The judge will be looking at both sides and won’t see the case as being only about you.
The judge will be trying to fit each version of the story into something she or he can trust. And where there are children, it’s about seeing how they’re affected if the judge accepts one version or the other.
Consider the “other side’s” version
So sure, put your version of the story in strong, clear language for the judge to see.
But if you want to make your presentation more powerful, also look at the situation from the perspective of the other side and see what they’re going to be saying.
Acknowledge in your material that there may be two ways of looking at things when that’s the case, and set out the reasons why your way makes more sense. Tell the judge that the other side will likely say this or that, but they’re wrong, or exaggerating, or are taking it out of context, and here’s why.
By you getting the other side’s version into the open first and then explaining it, you minimize the negative impact that would have been the case if you ignored it, let the other side say it, and then you tried to explain it away. (Where the other side has filed their material first, make sure to address each of the points they raised against you in your material.) At all times be civil and respectful in your material even when you’re telling the judge that they’re misrepresenting the situation. Don’t use the word “liar”.
Don’t “tell” the judge your version is right – “show” it’s right
Once you realize that the judge won’t see your matter as only about you, you’ll be able to prepare much more powerful material. You want to give the judge a reason to see things the way you want, and you can’t do that if you don’t recognize that the judge will be hearing from the other side, not just from you.
It’s important to show the judge where she or he can find the fact – the evidence – you’re relying upon to prove your point.
A judge needs to base any order or judgment on the evidence before them. If you only tell your story and don’t recognize that the other side will be saying something different, you won’t have put anything in your material to show they’re wrong or to explain what they’re referring is wrong or out of context.
It’s not the strength of your assertions that count – it’s the evidence in the material that the court will rely upon.
In your argument you need to be able to point the judge to where in your material you’ve met the argument of the other side and explained it. Knowing this in advance will help you form the material you’ll be filing and make it the rock upon which you want to stand.
5. Size matters
Court files get thick fast.
Judges have to read a lot in each file and go through a lot of files
each day.
Making your material short and to the point will make it more
powerful.
Judges are only human
Court files move through the family court system on paper. In every motion there’s a Notice of Motion and a supporting affidavit, a responding affidavit, and usually a reply affidavit. Sometimes there are other affidavits as well. These take a judge a lot of time to read. And you’re not the only case on the court list. Every day the judge has to read all of the relevant material in each case. The courts give the file to the judge the day before and they spend part of their evening at home reading your material instead of spending time with their family. They take their jobs, and your matter, seriously.
So when a judge sees a very thick file, they’ll tend to leave that to the last to read. Who knows if they read every word? And, because judges are human, they’ll be annoyed it took you or the other party so long to tell your story.
Lengthy material doesn’t mean effective material
Having material that’s lengthy isn’t the same as having material that’s powerful or effective. Long affidavits usually take a long time to get to the point. That’s why the most important writing in preparing legal documents is the rewriting. Frequent editing of what you write is critical.
Take the time to rewrite what you wrote
Write the first draft of your affidavit or other court material saying everything you want to say, and then put it away. A few days later pull it out and look at what you wrote. Then reorganize it. (Go over the 4 Steps in Chapter 2)
Put in titles to tell the judge what you’re talking about in the next few paragraphs. Use simple, straightforward language.
Make sure to deal with only one point in each paragraph and make sure it’s no more than 3 sentences long.
Take out the stuff that’s argumentative (“she then told our neighbour, as only a mean spirited shrew like her would do,”)
Stick to the facts.
Then cut and cut and cut.
Figuring out the important stuff
No court matter requires that a judge know everything that’s possible to tell. That’s too much information. And it hides the important stuff.
Suppose the judge has just said she or he has to leave the courtroom in 5 minutes and if it will take you longer than that to tell your story you’ll need to adjourn for two weeks. You’ve prepared a terrific argument, but it will take longer than 5 minutes to present it in full. If you want to be heard that day, you’ll need to figure out the top three things the judge needs to know and tell him or her that. Forget the rest. What would your key points be? And what would be the top three orders you need?
The Tim Horton pitch
When drafting your affidavit pretend you’re in line for your morning coffee and the
person in front asks about your day. You say you’re going to court, and they ask, “Why?”
You need to tell them why you’re going, and what you want the judge to do, before they reach the front of the line and have to place their order. So you do it fast and only cover the key things. That’s the Tim Horton pitch – also called the Elevator pitch.
Short. Clear. To the point. And leaving out all of the lesser stuff.
Look at your draft affidavit the same way. Cut out the less important and highlight the really important. If you can’t tell the difference, then neither can the judge.
This is why I’m here. This is what I want. This is why you should give it.
The strongest material is that which tells your core story in simple and straightforward language, sets out clearly what you want, gives the judge the reasons to agree with you, and then stops. Don’t worry about leaving out stuff. If you’ve organized things so that you tell the key points and drop the secondary matters you’ll have a stronger affidavit.
When a good lawyer drafts an affidavit, there’re always things the client wants to be put in but the lawyer takes out. Giving in to the temptation to put everything into your material will make it so long that it won’t be read. From time to time judges have even said they won’t be relying on what’s been filed and that new material needs to be submitted to be no longer than a set number of pages.
And the Notice of Motion that sets out 12 detailed requests will be less persuasive and effective than one that identifies the key orders and leaves it at that.
Use your first paragraph to tell your story
You should be sure to tell what your matter is about in the first paragraph on the first page. (”We’re in court because I want to have regular and consistent contact with my children and Mary regularly changes the times without giving me advance notice. As well, she’s refusing to allow the child support payments to be reduced to match my new salary since I lost my job and am now earning less.”)
The full names of everyone and their birth dates appear elsewhere in the material. - don’t repeat them. The judge knows who the parties are. You don’t have to say “My wife, the respondent, Mary Brown, said …” You can say “Mary said …”. If your child is William Henry McDougal , born November 5th, 2013, you can call him “Billy” Go over your every sentence in your affidavit and shorten it.
Put it away and look at it again another day. Read it over again and make it tighter. Size matters. (Re-read Chapter 2)
Keep it as readable and short as possible
You can’t always do this, but you’ll impress a judge if you can:
tell your story in 5 - 7 pages (Once you’re up to, or over, 10 pages you’re annoying the judge and inviting him or her to start skimming to get to the end.)
use double spaces between the lines
use 12-point font
use headings
don’t repeat what’s in the material
start with the Tim Horton’s Pitch, then layout the fact you’re relying upon, and then state the order you’re asking for.
Just say over and over - for most court documents, size matters. Short is good. Long tends to weaken your case.
6. Watch your buttons – If “they” give you grief, you give them pity
We’ve all got sore points that get us off track if someone we don’t like pushes them.
Don’t let the other side push your buttons.
You’re in Family court with a person who doesn’t like you any longer. They’re happy to get you angry and upset because they know that will throw you off your game. It’s worked for them before. They know the buttons to push to get you riled up and they love to push them.
People who don’t like you, like pushing your buttons.
Don’t let them.
Ignoring them works great
When the other party, or the posse of supporters they bring to court, glare at you or say what they know will get you worked up – ignore them. If you know that they’re trying to get you upset and don’t allow it, it’s them who become upset. Doing nothing ends up turning the tables on them.
When the other side tries to push your buttons, just look at them as if you’re saying “Seriously? You want to act like a child? That’s so sad. You look foolish when you act that way.” Don’t say anything. Just look as though you pity them that they have to resort to pushing your buttons rather than relying upon the strength of their case.
The other party usually knows what upsets you. They’ve done it before and it has worked. You’re a push over because they know they can get you to make an angry response every time. They’re hoping you’ll make a fool of this is a game they’ve played with you lots of times and which you always end up losing.
Here’s a solution
The next time this happens, take a breath. Wait it out. Say to yourself “Boy, that really upsets me and makes me angry.” Just saying that takes a couple of seconds. That’s all you need.
In his book Letting Go of Anger, Dr. Ronald Potter-Efron says “Research has shown that the neurological response lasts less than two seconds.” After that it takes a commitment to stay angry. If you can count to 10 or sing the lyrics to a favourite song for a few seconds, or say “Boy, that really upsets me and makes me angry” you’ll get past the first few seconds and be better able to control your reaction.
Then, don’t try to say anything “clever” it usually comes across as pretty lame. Don’t try to hit back. Don’t open a discussion to explain why what was just said to you or about you was wrong. Hold off saying that they’re dumb.
Just ignore them. Look briefly at them. Give them the “I pity you” look and then turn away. They succeed if they get you to respond. They fail if they don’t. So don’t give them what they want.
And don’t try to push their buttons. That sort of thing usually backfires when you’re in court.
Pity hurts
Giving the other party the “I pity you” look isn’t what they expected. They’ve pushed you buttons lots before and are expecting you to react in the usual way. By not doing that, and giving them the “pity” look, you end up throwing them off their game. People don’t mind a good old-fashioned argument or fight, but seeing that the “other side” pities you hurts. It’s upsetting and a surprise.
It’s way better for you to confuse and upset them than to allow them to confuse and upset you. Try it.
7. Control your expectations – get some good advice
Unrealistic expectations about what will happen in court can put you in a hole.
Find a way to get unbundled legal services so you can get some good advice.
It’s a simple fact that most people who act for themself tend to be overly optimistic in the expectations they have about their potential success.
One of the most important jobs for a good family law lawyer is to help the client understand how a judge will see their situation, and make sure that the client has realistic expectations about what the possible results will be.
Unrealistic optimism can hurt you
Thinking that you can end up getting more than is realistically the case simply blinds you to settlement possibilities and increases the chances of you actually losing more than is necessary. You’ll end up disappointed and feeling that you “lost” and the other party “won”, or that the judge didn’t listen, or was biased. That can be avoided if you had realistic expectations in the first place and argued accordingly.
Going to court with unrealistic expectations and demands will make the judge think that you don’t understand what’s going on and that the other –arty, if they’re sounding reasonable, is more reliable and trustworthy when it comes to deciding whose version of events to rely upon.
And when you say: “Okay, if I can’t get this, how about giving me that” only makes the judge think you see this as a game.
Your matter’s important - Invest in yourself and get some advice
You’re in court because the matter is important to you. The smartest thing you can do, when acting for yourself, is to invest a bit in your success by getting some focused legal advice. The better you understand what you’re getting into, and how to handle it, the better chance you’ll have of getting through it successfully.
Getting some legal advice will help you develop realistic expectations so you can focus more effectively on your strengths and not waste time dealing with matters where you simply can’t succeed.
Unbundled services
Unbundled services are where a lawyer will agree to be hired to give you a specific service without being hired to take over your entire case.
There are lawyers who’ll offer unbundled legal services and will sit down with you to discuss your case and give you an evaluation of your strengths and weaknesses. They’ll be able to draw your attention to legal principles supporting your case as well as those that hurt you, and point out the facts in your case to emphasize or drop. They’ll be able to give you specific legal advice and general coaching assistance. Lawyers who’ll do this are offering unbundled services.
Not all lawyers offer unbundled legal services
But not all lawyers offer unbundled legal services, or are prepared to act on what’s called a “Limited Scope Retainer” – where the agreement is that you’re only paying the lawyer for one specific purpose, not to take over your case.
When you find one who will, you’ll still need to set up an appointment and take the time to go to their office. And in most cases, the lawyer will still be charging you an hourly rate and may want a retainer in advance.
Put the Coach on your team
Now, however, through The Family Law Coach you can retain a lawyer to be in your pocket to answer your questions, give you legal advice, offer coaching assistance, and provide strategic analysis of your case and the other party’s case at a fixed fee and without having to go to any office and wait in the reception area.
You can get unlimited email access all month long or you can arrange to call or email whenever you have a specific question. You can get an early, neutral evaluation of the strengths and weaknesses of your case and the other party’s case. Or you can have a lawyer draft court documents for you or give you coaching about how to handle yourself in court.
With The Family Law Coach, everything is done by telephone and email. You don’t need to get a babysitter for the kids or take time off work, or travel anywhere, to meet with your lawyer. There’s no advance retainer to be paid before the lawyer will talk with you. And you know cost up front.
Getting good advice is the best advice we can give you
Check around. See if there’s a lawyer in your area willing to act on a Limited Retainer to give you the advice and coaching you need at a fixed fee. Or check out what’s available through The Family Law Coach. But one way or the other, get the assistance you need help yourself set reasonable expectations and make your presentation as persuasive as possible.
8. Be sure you know who your friends are
Just because the other side is being friendly in the court waiting
room doesn’t mean they’ll be friendly in court.
The other side isn’t your friend.
And if your own friends keep you angry and upset, and don’t let
you consider a reasonable settlement, they’re not your friends
either.
The other side isn’t your friend
You’re sitting in the waiting area outside the court and the person on the other side is there as well. Make sure you’re being civil and courteous with other side and whomever they’ve brought to court as a support group.
Being polite and civil is always smart.
Even if you don’t mean it.
Remember that the other party and their supporters aren’t your friends with respect to the matter in front of the judge, no matter how friendly they are in the waiting room. It’s best to keep a polite distance between you and the other side and remember that when your case is called, they’re going to be telling the judge why you shouldn’t be believed and why you shouldn’t get what you want.
Those people aren’t your friends.
Sometimes even your friends aren’t your friends
Sometimes the people you bring to court with you to support you may also not be your “friends”.
They’re there because they want to help you, but often they’re so busy telling you that you’re right and the other side is wrong, or what they think you want to hear, that they make it difficult for you to see matters rationally or to settle matters. Many supporters think you want to hear aggressive, or even hostile, advice and strategies without recognizing how damaging that could be to your overall objective of getting a judge to agree with you.
You need support – not aggressiveness
The best “friends” you have are those who are supportive without pushing you in any particular direction.
You don’t want people with you who’ll get you all steamed up and angry about how badly you’re being treated. Or people who’ll tell you over and over how “right” you are. Or will tell you what you “have to get the judge to do”.
You need to be focused, not agitated, while you’re waiting for your case. Not too much joking or kidding around and no getting into a “fighting” mindset.
You want to be calm and attentive to what’s happening in court so you can respond effectively when it’s your turn.
A friend’s not a friend when they tell you to “Go get the bastard”. They’re a friend if they tell you to remain calm, focus on what’s most important to you, and not to sweat the little things.
Court’s not a sporting event
It’s a common sports technique to get players all energized and hostile towards the other team in order to “get their head in the game”. Those guys need to be on a fighting edge.
But no one you bring to court is a friend if they do that with you. Court isn’t a sporting event and thinking of the other party as the player to “beat” is a mistake.
Friends help friends resolve matters and be realistic about the choices they’re facing.
If your supporters can’t do that, don’t bring them to court.
You need to be cool and composed and the person who helps keep you this way is really your friend. The ones who are indignant on your behalf aren’t.
9. Get your docs in order
Having your documents organized helps you win your case.
Knowing what information is where, shows you’re taking your
matter seriously.
That makes it easier for a judge to do so too.
Knowing everything isn’t enough
Self-reps are usually pretty sure they know everything about their case. What they too often forget, however, is that just because they know something doesn’t mean the judge will know it.
You can’t just tell the judge something is a fact because you “know” it is if you haven’t already put it into evidence.
You’ll be preparing the court documents to rely upon upon in court. Before finalizing them, read them over yourself and ask: “How do I know this? Is this just my opinion or is it a fact? What “proof” is there to support that fact? Is there a piece of paper such as a receipt or credit card statement or email or anything else I should attach as an exhibit to show what I’m referring to is true?” “Do I need an affidavit from Bob to prove what the other side said to him or what he saw?”
Then go back and put in the required facts, or refer to the document supporting your statement and attach it as an exhibit. If you need a supporting affidavit, get it, serve it, and make sure it’s filed and part of the Continuing Record so you can refer the judge to it.
Don’t just say it – show it
If the other party, for example, says in their material that they earn a certain amount, and you know that’s wrong – don’t just say so, attach a pay stub or bank deposit or letter or T-4 slip, as an exhibit to show you’re right and they’re wrong.
Don’t just say you only spend so much per month on your expenses when the other side says something different. Attach your credit card statement or a bank statement to back up what you’re saying. Wherever there’s a document that will prove what you’re saying is correct, attach it as an exhibit.
Today’s world is filled with documentation. Be sure to put copies of material you’re going to be referring to in your own court documents so you can point out to the judge where she or he can find the piece of paper to back up your statements.
Then, when you’re addressing the judge and he or she asks what support there is for your statement that the other side earns more than they’re saying, you can say: “There’s a pay stub or T-4 slip attached as Exhibit “C” to my affidavit dated April 15, 2015, at Tab 4 in the Continuing Record.” Having the documents to support your statements and knowing where they are is an invaluable help to your case.
Judges appreciate it when you show you took the time and effort to get the documents that confirm that you’re telling the truth. And it makes you a more reliable person on those matters for which you don’t have any documentation.
Only after you’ve gone through your material to be sure you’ve attached all the relevant documents will it be ready to be filed.
10. Go to court last week
You’re a self-rep acting for yourself in a court proceeding.
Doesn’t it make sense to go to court in advance to see how it works?
One great way to be sure you understand what’s likely to happen when you go to court is to be sure you’ve already been there. We recommend that anyone acting for themself recognize that going to court is a serious matter, you’re there to get a fair and reasonable result, and anything you can do to help you get what you want is a good idea.
You’ll do better if you’ve been there
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to go to court the week before your actual court date and spend a few hours there. See where to go and what the setup looks like. See where the bathrooms and the coffee shop are. And where to sit to wait.
But most important, go into one of the courtrooms and watch how the lawyers there present their cases and how the judge responds.
You’ll be able to go into the courtroom once the courtroom doors are unlocked. Be quiet and polite and no one will even ask who you are. Sit at the back and listen carefully. Don’t take a recorder and don’t sit there obviously taking notes. (If you want to take notes while in court, do it very carefully. It’s not illegal to do so but you don’t want to attract the judge’s attention. Try to remember hat you want to write and step out of the courtroom at a convenient time to make the note.) Pay attention.
Watch and learn
Here are some things to look for:
How do the lawyers speak to the judge and to the other lawyer in their matter
How does the judge deal with other self-reps who interrupt or make mistakes
Watch where people sit and how they speak.
Check out how the lawyers use their notes and how they refer to information that’s in the court record.
Step out of the courtroom every now and then to make a summary of what you’ve learned.
Even if you’ve been to court for your matter already, the odds are that you were a bit tense and so focused on your case that you weren’t paying a lot of attention to how other people and lawyers were handling their cases. So going on a day when your matter’s not on the list will be helpful.
Each case is different – It’s not like TV
Keep in mind that you may not see the same judge for your case and each judge is different. As well, lawyers differ in the way they deal with matters in court. And sometimes, depending upon the time of the day, the judge may be more patient or more rushed. But a day I court when your matter isn’t being heard gives you a good feel for how things operate and will make your own attendance a lot easier.
Over the years styles of courtroom behavior have changed.
Storming about and being theatrical doesn’t work now. Keeping your voice loud enough for the judge to hear is critical. Knowing when to stop and sit down, and not to interrupt the other side, is important.
Young lawyers go to court to watch their seniors present cases and to watch how other lawyers act in court. They get a feel of what works best for them and they use trial and error until they find a courtroom manner and technique that works for them.
You don’t have years of watching to learn this. And one court visit won’t be enough.
But not going to see how things work and which lawyer’s approach seems to be most productive is a really great idea. Going to court before on a day before your case is scheduled is a great way to get some basic understanding of what will work best for you.
BONUS TIP: What Would The Godfather Advise?
“Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.” The Godfather: Part III
Remember the Godfather movies? Lots of great acting and lots of great lines.
But there’s one line in The Godfather: Part III that stands out above all the others as a fabulous piece of family law advice. If you’re in family court and can only keep one piece of advice in mind, remember this.
Michael Corleone, The Godfather, has called a meeting of the Commission - his fellow captains in crime – in a large, glassed-in, rooftop meeting room at a Las Vegas hotel.
He’s telling them he’s going out of the Bad Guy business. And hands around envelopes with money as a sign of friendship. Joey Zaza is at the meeting but storms out angry. He feels “disrespected”.
The next thing you know, there’s a helicopter missile attack wiping out most of the Commission in a long, violent, and terrific scene.
“Never hate your enemies.”
Michael and his key lieutenant, his nephew Vincent, escape in their own helicopter. Vincent is outraged. He wants revenge.
As they’re flying away from the chaos Vincent begs his uncle: ”I’d like to take Joey Zaza up in one of these and drop him.” But The Godfather is wiser and more experienced. He turns to Vincent and says: “No! Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.”
What great life advice! Tough to accept, but smart to accept.
Great advice is tough to follow
In most family law court cases there are only two sides. yours and theirs. You and the enemy. And you should never hate your enemy because it affects your judgment.
Every step you take and everything you do relating to your family law case will help you, hurt you, or be neutral. You should always try to make sure that it helps you – not the other side.
This means you must pause and think before responding. It requires making smart decisions and using sound judgment. It means consider all aspects of the matter before acting.
But too often, people let their emotions get in the way of being smart.
Emotions cloud judgment
It’s very easy to do say something, or write something in an email or affidavit, that a judge will read, which was the result of anger. More often than not that ends up helping the other side and hurting yourself. It may have felt good, but it’s a mistake.
They say love is blind. So is every strong emotion. And we don’t see the negative effect our own, unchecked, emotional response can have until it’s too late.
Remember The Godfather - “Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.”
So many times in a family court matter people take a position, or make a statement, or ask for an order, arising from the anger or frustration they’re feeling toward the other side. Even if you don’t “hate” the other side it’s often the case that you have strong, negative, emotional feelings towards them. And very often, this affects your judgment.
The Godfather’s right
The Godfather is right. If you let your emotions control the decisions you make, the odds are that they’ll be bad decisions.
Bad decisions help the other side.
If I’m your “enemy” I’m happy for you to make hasty or intemperate decisions. I want you to make bad choices. I may do things or say things just to provoke you into acting on judgments you make when you’re angry. It’s like getting you to work for my team.
Take a breath
“Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.”
There’s a loss of wisdom there.
So take a breath. Realize that dealing with, or even thinking about, the other party provokes a serious emotional reaction in you.
Accept it. Acknowledge it. And guard against it.
Remember you’re in court to have the judge, an independent third party, make the order you want. Showing that you make bad decisions instead of good ones won’t help the judge trust your proposal.
Don’t play for the other side
Showing you’re angry, and explaining why that’s justified, is pointless and doesn’t help you. (In fact, your reasons may not seem as understandable to a third party as they do to you and you’ll end up looking ridiculous.)
Instead, you just want the judge to agree with your proposal to resolving the matter at hand. You don’t help that to happen by establishing that you’re the sort of person who’ll allow your emotions to rule your decision-making - even though the other side has provoked you. That only encourages the judge to give less weight to what you’re saying and proposing. That’s just how the other side, the enemy, wants the judge to see you.
So what’s the Bonus Tip?
Thinking like the Godfather – at least in this instance - will help you make better decisions - and invite the judge to consider the proposal you’re making more favourably.