10.6.06(Entertainment for Real) 3.Indd

ENTERTAINMENTpage 17 Technique • Friday, October 6, 2006 • 17

ENGINEERING ETHICS? THE BIGGESET LOSERS Caroline Whitbeck visited campus Oct 7. marks the 90th anniversary ENTERTAINMENT to discuss the role of ethics in the of the legendary 222-0 football engineering world. Page11 game against Cumberland. Page 27 Technique • Friday, October 6, 2006

EEL V R R E I E W S Kutcher delivers action- Image courtesy of Warner Independent Pictures’ Many of the scenes of Michel Gondry’s new film, The Science of Sleep, packed thrills in Guardian take place in the dreams of Stephane, (Gael Garcia Bernal). By Beena Bhuiyan-Khan Despite the initial bumpy relation- swimmer. One has the opportunity Contributing Writer ship with his trainer, both he and to witness the vast amount of physi- The Science of Sleep Randall develop a mentor-mentee cal, mental and emotional strength Get ready to delve into a world relationship after they find out that needed to be part of the CGRS. The of fear, strength, courage, and heart they are both at the school for the film also provides insight on the amazes, confuses stopping suspense when you watch psyche of a person, for we realize the The Guardian, released Friday the roots of the motivation to continue By Daniel Griffin dry, who served as both author and 29th. Directed by Andrew Davis with something that is grueling and Contributing Writer director, has established a comfort- (who also directed The Fugitive) exhausting and demanding. able place in cinema to brandish his and starring Kevin Costner and The Guardian does a good job of Most people recognize director outlandishly funny and thoroughly Ashton Kutcher, this movie takes selling the CGRS to the public, but Michel Gondry’s e nt e r t a i n i n g you through a brief yet thorough T HE GUARDIAN at the same time, it does not let the name as being style. tour of what it is like to be part a audience forget the selling point. The attached to vari- The Science United States Coast Guard Rescue Cast: KevinTHE G Costner,UARDIAN Ashton film also turns slightly fantastical in ous music videos, of Sleep revolves Swimmers (CGRS). KutcherCast: Kevin Costner, the end when the character of Ben with artists rang- around an imagi- In the movie, Ben Randall (Cost- Director: Andrew Davis Randall is turned into a figure of ing from Bjork to native protago- Ashton Kutcher THE SSCIENCE OF SSLEEP nist Stephane, ner), a legendary rescue swimmer, RunningDirector :time: Andrew 136 Davisminutes. Christ (savior, rescuer, and fisher) The Chemical is sent to teach in an elite training and into an enigma analogous to the Brothers. Cast: Aurelia Petit, Miou who moves to school for future rescue swimmers Running time: 136 min. yeti or abominable snowman. Yet two years Miou, Alain Chabat, Paris to start a job after losing his crew in a devastating Rating: PG-13 The plot also has the necessary ago, with the Charlotte Gainsbourg, Gael that his mother explosion. With his unorthodox love story—actually it has two of release of the Garcia Bernal has secured for and grueling techniques he filters them, with quite different endings, popular Eternal him-a job that he Director: Michel Gondry thinks has him the class and is left with a dozen or and the movie also laces in a bit of Sunshine of the Running time so students with the qualities that same reasons—lost crew, proving needed comic relief to go with the Spotless Mind, : 105 min. painting art for a he believes are needed to be a rescue to themselves that they can live up serious nature of being a member Gondry devel- Rating: R calendar but in- swimmer. to the memory of their friends and of the CGRS. oped directorial stead puts him on One of these students, Jake their own expectations. The special effects in the film clout that only motion pictures can a measuring board to monotonously Fischer (Kutcher) sets himself apart The movie provides a unique deliver. as the fittest, fastest and slickest. insight to the mind of a rescue See Guardian, page 21 With The Science of Sleep, Gon- See Sleep, page 19 Not just for Jack O’ Lanterns anymore Book immortalizes NY murals,tags Every weekend in October Grafitti book features artist interviews and over 100 color images the Pumpkin Festival at Stone Mountain Park celebrates By Kenneth Baskett fiti, ranging from images on a small all that is grand about the Senior Staff Writer section of a wall, to huge murals seasonal orange squash. Visit stretching many blocks. Stonemountainpark.com for “An exuberant burst of color The pictures in this book are more information. suddenly appeared on this ghostly the result of fifteen years’ worth of street in an otherwise drab neighbor- travel to the Bronx, Harlem, Spanish Unlucky 13 thrills hood. It stopped me in my tracks,” Harlem, the Lower East Side, the writes Peter Rosenstein, author of East Village and Brooklyn. at haunted house the new book Each photo- Tattooed Walls, of graph has a cap- A new haunted house opened his life-changing tion explaining yesterday behind Town Center Mall in Kennesaw. Coupons experience with a ...Rostensetin has the context or on www.13storieshauntedho graffiti mural on signif ic a nce use.com will get you in for an the Lower East made it his mission of the mural Side of Manhat- written by Ar- unlucky $13. tan over a decade to document the gentine-born ago. expansive and ever- journalist, actor Local artists Since then, changing world of and art director Rosenstein has Isabel Bau Mad- Photo courtesy of University Press of Mississippi create market made it his mis- street art in New den. This colorful photo appears on page 119 of Tattooed Walls. “Los Mucha- sion to document In addition On Monroe Drive, paintings, York. chos” likely refers to the area homeboys of NY’s East Village. photographs, leatherware, toys, the expansive and to the photo- antiques, jewelry and more ever-changing graphs, t he graffiti as a legitimate art form. Rosenstein has had plenty of are available at the Midtown world of street art in New York. “As book features an interview with These writings go a long way to practice putting street art on film, Promenade. From 10 a.m. to 4 I stood back and admired the colors legendary artist and political activist explaining the current state of graffiti and it shows. Somehow, he is able p.m. on Saturdays local artists and composition, I could not help James De La Vega, a commentary as art and illustrating the mentality to capture not only the image of the get together to offer this unique but lament the transient nature of from the artist Chico and a foreword and passion of those who make it mural, but the emotion and meaning shopping experience to the murals,” Rosenstein said. by artist and gallery owner Stefan their way of life. However, the main the artist put into it as well. community. Call 770-913-3978 Tattooed Walls contains over a Eins, one of the first in the broader focus of Tattooed Walls is definitely for more information. hundred color photographs of graf- art world to recognize and promote the art, and here the book shines. See Grafitti, page 18 18 • Friday, October 6, 2006 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT

Diet book proves upsetting, unfulﬁlling Graﬁtti from page 17

By Sarah Gilbreath her application to graduate school number of calories for her readers, several different kinds of exercises In addition to the simple tags used Contributing Writer — that is, her father gave her all the which is particularly amusing con- for the dorm room. Each routine to claim turf, the art contains memo- facts and told her to rewrite them in sidering that in the previous chapter requires minimal space and no ad- rials to fallen loved ones, religious For a young, naive freshman her own words and publish the thing, she had written out a detailed set ditional equipment. In the interest expression, warnings to police and entering Tech, several things can so she could at least say that she was of equations to find out how many of giving the book a fair shot, I got messages of political unrest. These be terrifying: the prospect of living a “published author.” Not only is calories you should be consuming down on my floor and tried several artists serve as the spokesmen for away from home, having to make Oz preten- daily (I of these exercises. While I did find their respective cultures. new friends, taking hard classes, tious, but should two that I was already familiar with, The styles used by these street art- and so on. But by far the scariest she aims the a pp a r- others were completely foreign and ists range from cartoon to abstract to and most publicized specter is the book solely at e n t l y made no sense. In one, Oz instructs trompe l’oeil, a technique meaning Freshman 15. So many rumors and women, mak- eat 1057 the reader to lie on the floor, face up, “deceives the eye” that dates back urban legends surround the concept ing no men- calories and put his or her legs straight up in that it would seem that merely set- tion of men a day. the air. Then he is to move to a sitting ting foot in a quad would result in at all (aside C a n position, with his legs still in the air, ...the art contains the instant osmosis of hundreds of from a list of you even balancing on his tailbone. Lastly, he calories through your feet (shoes do their favorite live on is to stretch up and miraculously get memorials to fallen nothing to slow the process. Beware, scents). that?) his tailbone at least “about an inch off loved ones, religious little freshman...beware!) As such, The over- B u t the floor” (165). That to me sounds I had decided long ago that when bearing tone not only suspiciously like floating (sorry, expressions, my freshman year came, I would do of the book is this Daphne, but I just haven’t been able warnings to police, everything possible to avoid gaining will quickly b o o k to achieve levitation yet...it must be the pre-ordained weight. Naturally, make anyone m i l i - all those grapes I’ve been devouring and messages of I was thrilled to discover this book, anorexic. Oz tant, it during my nightly binges). Nearly political unrest. The Dorm Room Diet - instant launches into also de- all the exercises I tried left me wal- protection from the pounds was several lita- fies log- lowing on the floor, flopping about practically guaranteed! I snatched it nies on “huge ic. In it, like a fish on dry land. several centuries. up with great gusto, feeling healthier portions” of she ad- In short, this book did more Tattooed Walls is particularly well- as soon as I had picked it up. certain foods, vocates harm than good, making me feel suited as a coffee table conversation Imagine my dismay, then, when as well as the d r i n k- that even the most harmless foods, starter. However, to leave it at that I realized that the author, Daphne ingredients; ing four like apples, were my mortal enemies. would be an understatement. This Oz, was not only ill informed, but for example, she considers two slices 6-ounce cups of caffeinated coffee Oz’s suggestions are unrealistic and book is an anthology of an art form militant about it. She has no real of pizza to be an exorbitant amount. EVERY DAY, claiming that it is impractical, such as offering to bring that few people experience and even credentials— she is still an under- She curses salad dressings in favor of perfectly healthy. She condemns the dessert to a party and instead showing fewer appreciate. graduate student. She substitutes oil and vinegar, and she absolutely creator of the candy bar, yet suggests up with fruit salad, and the exercises Furthermore, it is an anthology her mother being vegetarian and forbids herself from eating, of all eating handfuls of chocolate chips or are either missing steps and explana- of short-lived works, most of which her father being a doctor for actually things, croutons. Non-processed, several chocolate covered strawber- tions or are simply wrong. have already been destroyed or having a degree. The forward was unflavored oatmeal is considered a ries as a snack (oh, yes, I understand However, I have to give the book replaced. In addition, it is a visual written by her father, and the odd “treat,” and she is kind enough to that perfectly - chocolate chips are credit for one thing: standing at story about the people living in these mix of lists of her favorite TV shows allow the reader to “go a little wild... MUCH healthier than those dirty an imaginary three-point line and areas: their cultures, beliefs, passions and detailed dietary information with the grapes”. Around the middle little croutons). dunking this thing into the recycling and fears. The book is a must-have make the book seem like an attempt of the book, Oz mentions that she In addition to information about bin felt great. And surely I burned a for anyone interested in graffiti or at a notable achievement to put on isn’t picky about setting a limited food and vitamins, Oz also provides few calories with that activity. urban culture. ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, October 6, 2006 • 19

THEME CROSSWORD: BODY LANGUAGE Sleep from page 17 By Robert Zimmerman 17. Flues 18. Safari members mark up titles for calendars with Uniter Features Sundicate naked women on them. He ends up 28. German export rarely spending anytime at the job ACROSS 29. Baker’s finishing touch he loathes, often staying in bed all 1. Water carriers 30. Yoko day wrapped up in his thoroughly 6. Scram 34. Of the Asian subcon- amusing dreams. 11. Bookbalancers tinent At the heart of this film is a love 15. Whitefish 36. Playthings story, yet the spectacular pieces of 19. Carpet fiber 37. Painter’s pattern this film are Stephane’s dreams. The 20. Swap 38. Melody love story emerges when he quickly 21. Catch sight of 39. Melts falls for his next door neighbor, 22. Famous 40. Shoes, for short frequently confusing their interac- diamond 41. Scores tions in the real world and in his 23. Horror-flick role 42. Be subjected to dreams. 24. Joyce Carol — 45. Campus VIP Gael Garcia Bernal as Stephane 25. “The best — plans ...” 48. Neighborhood: 4 wds shows an incredible acting range 26. James of the blues 49. Have an inkling throughout this film, easily separat- 27. Flee a tsunami: 4 wds 50. Gourmet ing himself from his other serious 30. One of an odd couple 51. Switch label roles in films like Bad Education and 31. Miss Blanchett 53. Recipe abbr. Y Tu Mama Tambien. His comedic 32. Miserable place 54. Verve timing and bouncing speech blends 33. Engine part 57. Study closely perfectly with the fantastic dream 34. Admittance 58. Give birth sequences, comprised of loads of 35. Hard stuff 61. Gets into a fight: 3 wds stop-motion cities and animals as 37. Recipe 62. Mischief well as “Stephane TV”-Stephane’s instruction 64. Staves off own television show which he nar- 39. Pool competition 68. Command to Fido rates energetically into a cardboard 40. Actor Erwin 71. — Paulo camera. 43. Antique, but antiquated 77. Feature of old phones The characters are drawn in an 44. Large cask 79. Biblical “have” original, albeit sometimes quirky, way that allows the dialogue to fill 45. Seed carrier 81. “Axis of Ð “ 82. Reclining up the film with genuinely funny 46. Admit: with “up” moments. Stephane’s inability to 47. Nursemaid 76. Score quickly 106. Police powers: 5 wds 2. Michael or Milo 84. Plains tribe 110. “ — Sprach Zarathus- 85. Disentangled understand French (as he pleads 49. Hor d’oeuvres (2 wds) 77. Gardener’s milieu 3. Ermine with others to talk to him in English) 52. Born first 78. Flourish tra” 4. Gives the slip to 86. Traversed 89. Hen house leads to many insults and humorous 54. Vatican VIP 80. Obey the rules: 3 wds 111. North Atlantic menace 5. Ego jabs at Stephane without him even 55. Illegal stash 83. Mary’s Mr. Grant 112. Medieval music 6. Celebrated in history 90. “The Sting” co-star 91. Pre-med subj. realizing it. 56. Mister Rogers 84. Etoile landmark pioneer 7. Childish babble The Science of Sleep seems 94. — relief 59. Actor Guiness 87. Compete 113. Grammarian’s concern 8. Plaster underpinning particularly autobiographical in 60. Clever 88. Asian ox 114. Pay attention 9. Voltaire 95. Mix its nature, as the specific character 62. Queen’s domain 89. Lingerie items 115. Track concept 97. It has its ups and downs representations and deep emotions 63. Sent by phone 92. Where traumas may be 116. Chemical compound 10. New Age musician 99. Holy book behind the craziness of the story 65. Highland church treated 117. More exposed 11. Storm refuge 100. Strike sharply feel extremely personal. In essence, 66. Expert group 93. Cheese dish 118. Gambler’s calculation 12. Biblical song 102. Barton or Bow Gondry seems to be telling part of his 67. Revered images 95. Wire measures 119. Knotty subject, some- 13. Sacred bull 103. Wary own story, combining and elaborat- 69. Welt 96. Leases times 14. Barrett of Pink 104. Jugs ing upon the style that comprises his 70. Lilies 98. Open acknowledgment 120. A midden may yield it Floyd 106. Clothier Strauss previous work. The light and playful 72. Editor’s request, perhaps 99. Aunts and uncles 121. Influences 15. Hotel room staple: 107. Shows effects of time style he uses to mold The Science of 73. Tenor Bjoerling 100. Cooler contents 3 wds 108. Delivery designation Sleep makes this entertaining and 74. Send out 101. — homo DOWN 16. Fast seller, suppos- 109. Airline transfer points hilarious romp through the mind 75. Couch 105. Balance at the banco 1. Soprano’s goal edly 111. Jazz style since the ‘40s an absolute joy to see.

  Your Friday lectures  have nothing on us!

Georgia Tech NROTC   Looking for  ______a challenge? This W eek’s Programs Weekly puzzle: “Sunday Celebration” (traditional worship) th Sunday, October 8 , 11:00 AM Think of a word meaning “criminals.” Think Want to really Special “Family Weekend” Service! of another word for a certain crime. Read do something these words one after the other, and you'll “Koinonia” (dinner, contemporary worship) th get a new word for something that may be a with Monday, October 9 , 6:00 – 8:00 PM crime. What is it? Also, the longer word is your life? Dinner at 6:00 PM; program 6:45 – 8:00 PM unrelated etymologically to the shorter word. “A Look at the Book” Bible Study: Jeremiah Tuesday, October 10th, 11:00 AM (Find the answer at GT NROTC is looking for motivated and http://www.gtwf.org/puzzle.htm.) qualified students to apply for scholarships “Joan of Arcadia” Study th and non-scholarship positions. Visit the Tuesday, October 10 , 6:45 PM The Weekly Puzzle was originally broadcast on National Public Radio’s “Weekend following websites to see if you qualify: “Artos” (prayer service w/ communion) Edition Sunday” on July 9, 2006. Copyright th https://www.nrotc.navy.mil Thursday, October 12 , 11:00 AM 2006 NPR. All rights reserved. http://nrotc.gatech.edu Free lunch after the service

20 • Friday, October 6, 2006 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT The Finals lack emotion, original concepts That is not the case with New Despite the lackluster performances sings, “Fading and it’s been so long / Autumn” is a post-hardcore tune Jersey based band The Finals, who re- offered by the lead vocalists, the other Raining / We do not belong / Sham- with an awesome opening riff remi- Post-hardcore cently released their first full-length band members let you know this is ing, Me for holding on / Blaming, niscent of Hawthorne Heights. album, Plan Your Getaway. The vo- more than just a job for them. Lou You for what went wrong / Raining It also features some of the most cal duties on the record are shared Bottone, Joshua Sazer and Christian in my heart.” mature lyrics on the album: “Baseball band fails to by bassist Matt Reilly and guitarist Kisala give the group a very modern That’s it. has been over long now/The Red Sox Jason Sazer. sound. That’s the lost again/But deliver in Plan A l t h o u g h They go a whole song. still no sign of neither of the long way to- I’m pretty sure It reminds me of winter/Maybe singers have wards making that exact song vanilla ice cream. spring is early.” Your Getaway particularly bad up for the emo- has been written This song voices, it doesn’t tion that their a million times by If you are really shows that there By Kenneth Baskett sound like they lyrical coun- a million adoles- desperate for is some lyrical Senior Staff Writer care about what terparts lack. cent boys when talent present they’re singing. If the poor their girlfriends something sweet, it in the band and What happened to the days Almost all of singing was the broke up with will do the trick, but hints at how of Boston, Journey and Chicago, their tracks are only fault of them on their much the group with their beautiful voices and devoid of any this band, the two-week anni- most of the time it’s could improve. harmonies? kind of feeling. album might versary. If you’re just bland. But these are In rock music today, a great voice On the track still be worth going to write a two songs out is not a requirement. For proof, look “They’ll Never listening to due song as lamely of twelve. That’s no further than to the likes of Co- K now,” they to the instru- titled as “Raining in my Heart,” at 16 percent, and that, my friends, is heed and Cambria, AFI or System sing, “Please don’t take this all mental talent. least make it profound. failing, regardless of how big the of a Down. wrong/I know it’s so hard to be But again, this is not the case. The Despite my previous ranting, the curve is. It reminds me of vanilla You don’t even have to sound like strong/Stand Back and look at your songs are decidedly unoriginal. The album isn’t completely unmemo- ice cream: if you’re really desperate a guy to sing in an all-male band. life/Stop stalling and make things Finals sound like just another cookie rable. Tracks stand out when Reilly for something sweet, it will do the Despite having somewhat ques- right.” cutter, here today, gone tomorrow and Jason Sazer show an ounce of trick, but most of the time it’s just tionable voices, Claudio Sanchez, How can you sing that without band. In addition, the lyrics have emotion. bland. So, if you’re really desperate Davey Havoc and Serj Tankian are feeling? Just listen to their CD. a trite, middle-schoolish feeling “Plague Escapade” features a large for some new rock, or if you really like extremely talented singers and give They don’t sing like the songs to them. vocal range with very interesting vanilla, check out this album. their respective bands an instantly are important to them. Come on, On the embarrassingly-titled timing and is backed by a great in- Otherwise, its best left on the recognizable sound. even Hillary Duff can pull that off. “Raining in my Heart”, the band strumental arrangement. “Extended shelf, regardless of how cheap it is.

sliver www.nique.net/sliver Give me Grey’s or give death. 5:30 a.m.? Are they serious? I heart girls in Piedmont Park dressed in leather chaps A good shot of whiskey helps the medicine go down How did the coloring at the library go? Three hours and only two apologies! If you touch the food Kyle will kill all of you Thank you, Scarlett Johansen... you make life a little easier Hi I’m looking for Ray Finkle...and a clean pair of shorts. Leave WREK alone! Let the band sell their Johnson t-shirts. James is bringing sexy back. Drop 20 and give her a call. Birthday cake ﬂags! See page 27 for more Slivers! TAKE A STUDY BREAK AT MURPHY’S

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Present coupon with check Valid through December 31, 2006 ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, October 6, 2006 • 21 Fox oﬀers ﬂeeting fun

By Nathan Garcia ferent manner than in the previous Contributing Writer games. Each character’s ship can be independently operated by drawing Star Fox and his mercenary team flight paths with the touch screen. of futuristic fighter pilots have been The goal is to defeat all the enemies on every major Nintendo console before the turn limit runs out or since the Super Nintendo. The gen- the Great Fox is attacked. When a eral opinion is that the Nintendo 64 fighter comes into contact with an version is the best of this particular enemy group, then the actual fight franchise. The Gamecube version, takes place. Defeating each group of although well done, did not have enemies requires collecting a certain the same charm as the N64 amount of energy cores. These game. Nintendo took too are held by a particular type many liberties with the of enemy and once collected game play when they will clear the sortie. failed to realize that Each character has his most fans wanted the unique ship, all with dif- fun, familiar dogfights ferent attributes. They found in the previous vary based on type of versions. Now, Fox Mc- laser, lock-on ability, bomb Cloud does a barrel roll capacity and more, so into his first ever portable some fighters are better game for the DS. equipped to defeat cer- Star Fox: Command tain kinds of enemies. manages to add an Figuring out which one interesting twist on to send out adds more game play while still strategy and varies the retaining what made difficulty somewhat. the first two games Controlling the fight- big hits. ers is somewhat tricky The story reveals that to get used to, but after the events of the last once mastered it feels game, the StarFox unit not too different from has disbanded. With An- previous games. dross finally defeated, Unfortunately, there everyone goestheir is not much to make the separate ways. game terribly challenging. However, a new There are several types threat to peace has arisen of enemies to defeat, but in the form of the Anglar Empire. they rarely come in large Fox, alone on his mother ship, heads enough numbers to pose a off to thwart this new foe. real threat. The boss battles are rela- The flow of the game accom- tively simple, too, although the final Contact the Army ROTC "Yellow Jacket" Battalion at modates the story very well. As the boss can be really tricky. Also, while 404-894-9938 or visit www.armyrotc.gatech.edu for more information. player progresses through the stages, the multiple endings are a nice touch, he chooses which action to take after they come far too soon. But there is each mission. This allows for multiple a somewhat redeeming multiplayer endings. At first the only character function that allows play both locally available is Fox. More characters and over the Wi-Fi network. This may later join or even replace him. flexibility provides a decent amount Graduation doesn’t have to be No more than four characters are of replay value. Fans of this series or available at once, however. those looking for a fun flight game Missions are completed in a dif- should give this a look. your proudest moment.

Guardian from page 17

As an officer in the U.S. Coast Guard, every day you’ll be putting your Photo Courtesy of Touchstone Pictures training, education, talents and leadership to the test. Saving lives, Ashton Kutcher directs and stars in The Guardian, a film highlighting the members of the United States Coast Guard Rescue Swimmers. protecting the environment, enforcing the law, patrolling our ports, keeping America safe and making yourself and your country proud. make the Alaskan seas’ dangerous termination, this is the movie to conditions clear to the viewer, but watch. Loyalty, commitment and Explore officer opportunities, eligibility, benefits and application they do leave a bit to be desired in self sacrifice only scratch the surface process at GOCOASTGUARD.COM or call 1-877-NOW-USCG. replicating a realistic ocean. How- of themes this movie presents. And ever, the movie does a good job of for anyone interested in getting a balancing character development second hand experience of what it with an appopriate number of these takes to be part of a dare devil orga- action scenes. nization set on saving other peoples’ For anyone interested in a story lives regardless of their own—this is about honor, courage, fear and de- definitely the movie to watch. 22 • Friday, October 6, 2006 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT Have Some Fun

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cable television video production video production digital media The Georgia Tech Cable Network www.gtcn.gatech.edu digital media gtcn the georgia tech cable network ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, October 6, 2006 • 23 1010101001101010TWO BITS0110100110001010 Two Bits man shares his uplifting stories of inspiration, truth and accents Ahoy, ye scurvy scallywags! Oh, No really. I did a round off, two door frame. I pull my hand loose Jumpstarting my car turned into a cable to the terminal of the battery.” sorry, I forgot “International Talk back flips and a half twist before I from the door, which then closes just trial all its own. I don’t remember why Mr. Hartwell like a Pirate Day” is over. Being able landed flat on my ass. At some point softly enough to lock without being You see, parking on campus is said I shouldn’t do that, but I’m pretty to say things like, “I’ll be comman- during my intense aerobatics, I lost fully latched. (How in the name of what one might call “insane.” There sure it involved dismemberment and deering this here bus” and “prepare a shoe and drenched my backpack. all things good and holy did that are rarely enough parking spaces and possible death. to have your booty plundered” were The shoe was recovered; my notes happen?! I still don’t know.) I was parked in between two truck- But, being the heroic, dashing, about the only bright spot in my were not. (I needed a yo ho ho and Many things immediately run o-sauruses (only slightly smaller than fearless man that I am, I bravely otherwise terrible week. a bottle of rum, indeed.) through my mind (most of which a female bronto- a greed a nd Two Bits Man is in NO MOOD And then things took a turn are not printable, but to paraphrase), saurus) with five attached the to write this column, having had for the worse. In fact, I didn’t even “Owww. My keys are still in the foot tires. (And I don’t remember cable to my car a string of bad days that the word know that the situation I’m about car. Owwww. My lights are still yes, before I start why Mr. Hartwell battery. “horrendous” cannot even begin to to describe was possible. on. Owwwww. My finger is going getting angry di- The result describe. Where should we start? So, I’m getting out of the car to fall off. Owwwwww.” nosaur-nerd let- said I shouldn’t do created an im- How about with the big fat 33% when I turn around and my back- So I stood there in immense ters, I know that I that, but I’m pretty pressive shower I received on my first test of the pack catches on the corner of the pain, mentally kicking should have said of sparks (which semester. door. My backpack myself for my complete Apatosaurus, but sure it involved seemed a bit Thank you my twitchy, and utter stupidity. My I learned bron- dismemberment and dangerous in little chihuahua of a pro- keys are locked in the tosaurus when I a place filled fessor for making car. The dome-lights was five, so that’s possible death. with oil puddles a test that would are quietly, malevo- what I’m going and gasoline have been impos- lently sapping away with.) tanks), but my sible even if you my battery. And my To get another car anywhere car roared to life with the fervor had decided to hand looks like I’ve close to being able to jumpstart my of a man whose just seen a comely actually teach the caught some sort battery, I had to find jumper cables wench* after six months at sea with material. of flesh-eat- approximately a million feet long. 15 other smelly, hairy, potentially No, instead, ing bacteria Once such anomalous jumper lethal men. you spent every that causes cables were found, I carefully at- I wish I could say that my week class period drop- your skin tached them the way I had been got better from here. But after this ping the chalk to rot, turn taught in driver’s ed (shout out to tiresome, unlucky week my grades and stuttering in black, and Mr. Hartwell, driver’s ed teacher suck, my backpack is ruined, and a vaguely Schwar- fa ll of f extraordinaire). my fingernails are falling off. zenegger-like accent. (scurvy?). Red goes to the red terminal, I think I may buy a puppy, just I appreciate that. Needless black goes to the black terminal, so I can invite people over to kick Or we could talk to say, I except on the dead car, where black it.** I think that’s the only thing about the combination was one is supposed to be attached to the that could have made my week any of wet flip-flops and the u n - chassis of the car. (Remember that, worse (aside from not bein’ a right deathtraps that are the h a pp y kids. Someday, you too will have to fearsome buccaneer). brick sidewalks near the pirate. pay for your own idiocy.) We turn *I be meanin’ no disrespect to Love building. For those By the time I managed on the other car, wait a minute, and the lovely ladies of this here fine of you who don’t understand slams the door shut on my to get a spare set of keys, the lights try mine. And… nothing. institution. what I mean, let’s just say I had a hand, which I had cleverly managed had completely drained my battery, The friend helping me says, “Hey, **No puppies were harmed in particularly spectacular fall. to place exactly on the edge of the requiring me to jumpstart my car. we should attach the black end of the the writing of this article.

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