FASS 2010 Signs and Portents: Act 1, Scene 0 1 – 0 : Signs and Portents Characters: Chrono................................. an overbearing father (Chrono Trigger) Marle .............................. an embarrassing mother (Chrono Trigger) Sora ............................ an embarrassed son (Kingdom Hearts series) Sonya............................ the exasperated girlfriend (Mortal Kombat) Nethack ............................... a curmudgeonly grandparent (Nethack) Ansem ......................... a nefarious villain (Kingdom Hearts series) Stella D. Tail ............................................. a text adventure narrator < Lights up on stage right wing. Enter the Narrator.> 1 - Stella D. Tail: The doors are locked and your wallet is empty. It is dark. You may be eaten by a gru. <Narrator exits. Lights down on stage right wing and lights up on small portion of stage. Hero family is gathered together… watching home movies. TV is set up so that it faces away from audience. Marle and Chrono are wearing 8-bit costumes. Sonya and Sora are dressed normally, except for the keyblade that Sora has leaning against the couch. It would be cool if there was a pixelated dog sitting by the couch. Somewhat off to the side is Nethack, who is dressed all in black except for an ‘@’ on their shirt. They’re sleeping in a chair while initial conversation takes place. > 2 - Marle: Well, Sonya. We’re just so glad that Sora here finally got himself a girlfriend. He’s so handsome that I thought that girls would just be throwing themselves at my little boy… 3 - Chrono: Of course they are! He’s my son, isn’t he? 4 - Sora: <horrifically embarrassed> Mom. Dad. PLEASE. You’re KILLING me here. 5 - Chrono: Don’t be such a baby. Why wouldn’t Samus here – 6 - Sonya: Sir, it’s Sonya. 7 - Chrono: Sure, sure. But why wouldn’t she want to see movies of you as a kid? Even as a young lad you took after me: handsome, athletic… 8 - Marle: Oh, look! There’s Sora with his first sword. He was such a little guy… <Sora and Sonya suddenly cringe.> 9 - Chrono: Yep, he went through a lot of lives until he got the hang of that thing... Page 1 of 5 FASS 2010 Signs and Portents: Act 1, Scene 0 <Sora clutches at chest, stumbles forward, dies melodramatically. Sonya looks shocked, starts to get up, but Chrono waves at her to sit back down.> 10 - Chrono: Oh don’t worry about him. He does this all the time. 11 - Sonya: Well, sir. Maybe if you went a little easier on him… <Nethack suddenly starts awake> 12 - Nethack: Eh? What? What’s going on? < looks suspiciously at Sonya> Who are you? What are you doing here? Why’s Sora on the floor again? 13 - Sonya: Oh, um. I think he died of shame. < looks nervously at Marle and Chrono> It’s funny, I didn’t know that could actually happen. 14 - Nethack: Bah! Kids these days! In my day we had to appreciate extra lives! ‘Course we called ‘em continues, ‘cause that was the style at the time. Not like today where you kids burn through them like… like water! 15 - Marle: Now, Nethack… I don’t think our guest wants to hear – 16 - Nethack: You kids don’t know how good you have it! In my day we didn’t have polygons! And we only had ONE color! Green! Or was it amber… Anyway, you take my advice, young Tifa… 17 - Sonya: < sounding annoyed> It’s Sonya. 18 - Nethack: <to Sora> Oh, I see. One of those types. Why couldn’t you date a nice girl from your own console? <Sora twitches while Nethack is berating him.> 19 - Sora: <gets up, brushes himself off, looks annoyed> Don’t start that again. Get with the times! These days everything is cross-console. < to his girlfriend> Come on, let’s just get going. We still need to get tickets for the movie. 20 - Chrono: What are you and young Chun Li going to see? 21 - Sonya: For the last time, it’s Sonya! And we’re going to see the new Uwe Boll documentary. 22 - Nethack: Bah! What rot! In my day – 23 - Marle: < picks up the remote> Well let me check the weather for you. 24 - Sora: <exasperated> Mom! Page 2 of 5 FASS 2010 Signs and Portents: Act 1, Scene 0 25 - Marle: Well you’d feel pretty silly if you defeated all the monsters between here and the theater only to catch your death of a cold, now wouldn’t you? < Marle uses the remote to change the channel. News Anchor's lines are delivered by a voice-over.> 26 - News Anchor: …with this late breaking story. I’ve just received a bulletin that, Michael Jackson, the King of Pop and music legend is, apparently still dead. 27 - Sora: That’s news? Give me a break… 28 - Marle: Now, now dear. It should be almost time for the weather report. 29 - Nethack: Weather Report? I thought he said Michael Jackson! 30 - News Anchor: Now back to world news and our continuing coverage of the crash of the continues market. The continues market continued to plunge, losing another ten percent of its value today and spurring very real fears that with production discontinued and the markets in continual decline we might see a total depletion of the continue supply. Coverage, er, continues after a brief commercial break. 31 - Nethack: See? You kids take everything for granted! Why in nineteen-dickety-six, we’d wear a continue on our belts, ‘cause the ESRB stole our word for… 32 - Sora: Whatever. We’re going to go to our movie now. 33 - Marle: Have fun, sweetheart! 34 - Chrono: Remember to be back by curfew! <Sora makes a “whatever” sort of gesture. Sora and Sonya walk to the other side of the stage, then come forward to the front edge of the stage. Lights go down on the living room scene, then curtain comes down.> 35 - Sonya: Wow. This whole economy thing is pretty scary. I mean, what’s going to happen if we run out of continues? 36 - Sora: I don’t know… I mean, [Grandma/Grandpa] Nethack has been going on about how we’re all going to die when we run out of lives since I was a baby, and it hasn’t happened yet… 37 - Sonya: <walks a few steps away, looking thoughtful> Well I think – <Is interrupted by random battle sound effect> 38 - Sonya: Oh great, just what we needed. Page 3 of 5 FASS 2010 Signs and Portents: Act 1, Scene 0 <Ansem walks out with two or three henchfolk. Ansem, henchfolk, and heroes come together stage center.> 39 - Sora: < aggressively> You had to choose now for a random boss fight, huh? I’d better not miss the previews or you’re going to get it! 40 - Ansem: Oh you’re going to miss more than just the previews. < shoves Sora > I’m going to send you crying back to Mama and Papa and show Rikku here what a real man is like. 41 - Sonya: That is it ! Let’s go! <Battle music starts. Heroes and villains split up and go off to the wings, heroes on the left wing, villains on the right wing. Both sides line up. Heroes pull out weapons and bounce a la Street Fighter or Final Fantasy 9. Bored Villains pose threateningly but do not have weapons. One of the henchfolk steps forward and makes a swiping motion, then steps back into line. After a small delay, Sora reacts like he has been hit. Sora steps forward, attacks the air with his keyblade. One of the henchfolk falls over dead. Another henchfolk steps forward and makes the EXACT SAME swiping motion as the first henchfolk. Again, there is a small delay before Sora reacts like he has been hit. Sonya steps forward, strikes a bizarre pose.> 42 - Sonya: FIREBALL! <The rest of the henchfolk fall over dead. Ansem steps forward, strikes a bizarre pose, then makes an attacking motion similar to the one used by the henchfolk. Sora cries out, falls over dead. Game over music plays. Sonya sighs, puts away her weapon. Ansem poses triumphantly and indulges in a maniacal laugh.> 43 - Sonya: Aw, I was hoping he’d last more than three rounds this time. I guess that's it for date night, then. <Dead henchfolk get up, give each other and Ansem high fives and generally gloat silently. Sora continues to lie there after Game Over music finishes. After a lengthy delay, henchfolk and Ansem stop gloating, look expectantly at Sora, who continues not to move.> 44 - Ansem: Well? Doesn’t he want to try again? Page 4 of 5 FASS 2010 Signs and Portents: Act 1, Scene 0 45 - Sonya: <annoyed> I don’t know why he has to make dying so melodramatic. <bends down, checks Sora’s pulse> Oh my god… Sora… he’s dead! 46 - Ansem: Well, duh . 47 - Sonya: No, I mean. Of course he’s dead, but he’s… DEAD! <Duh-duh-DUH> <Lights down, end scene> Page 5 of 5 Opening You'll Have Some Fun To the tune of "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You Too" by Weezer The curtains open, and on the stage tonight, Some console villains are spoilin' for a fight, And 8-bit heroes, they wanna save the princess; save the night. Some weary monsters, can't take it anymore, Life is fleeting, they're getting kind of sore, When fat old plumbers, jump and crush them right into the floor. The doors are closed, the stage is set and it's no longer light, So blow upon your cartridge so you make it run alright.