Tom Kerr Tom Ask Nantida www.oldbangkokbangers.com Banger Humour

The Ancient Quill The EXCLUSIVE Stews Views Stews Views INTERVIEW WITH INTERVIEW ANDREW LAMONT RITCHIE OWENS INDIAN EXPATS INDIAN EXPATS OVER WALL TAKE STREET Sponsor Spotlight HOW TO CURE A A CURE HOW TO HANGOVER The Healthy Banger Footloose The Wall Of Knowledge The Wall

BANGER BANTER NEWSLETTER : APRIL - JUNE 2011

You Will Always be A Banger

April - June 2011

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Message from The Chairman 5 Andrew McDowell elected again as Chairman. Tates 6 Our Club Captain. The season sofar Mi Chiama Roberto 7 The Colts Captain has his say 8 The Ancient Quill Kevin Hutton - Smith on the Bangkok International Tens 2011 Moving On 15 Shaun Stewart heads home to South Africa Now Phuket 19 Tom Kerr is back in Thailand - Phuket Footloose 20 Ritchie Owens travel stories. New column Geoff The Chef 22 Thought you knew your coffee? Read this. Stew’s Views 24 A Banger back in the UK. Wall Street Gossip 26 What’s happening at Rick’s Pub. Five Minutes 27 Quick questions to Grant Signal. Strewth 28 Bazza on rugby. Oz style. Bangerpedia 30 All about Shirts and Boots. The Healthy Banger 31 How to cure your hangover Hartley’s Banger Humour 33 Chris finds jokes to brighten up your day

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 3 You Will Always be A Banger

The Banter is late coming out this quarter. Over a month late in fact. The view was we wait until after the Annual General Meeting (AGM) so we could include details of the new committee. The first attempt at the AGM didn’t get off the ground. However, the second effort was better attended with a mix of new senior and younger members putting their names forward to be on the Com- mittee. This an encouraging step and bodes well for the future of our club. Des Gist, Bob Pearson, Chris Hartley, Paddy Mckenna, Brett Rich- ards and Graham Fox were elected, joining Roberto Goulo, Andrew Tatam, Andrew McDowell, Cris Dunning and Grant Signal from last years Committee. One point that Andrew Tatam, our re-elected Club Captain made during the AGM is worth noting. The Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club is a social club and we should not lose sight of that. He is right on the money here. Every year we have to build new teams, with player attrition a constant reminder we are only guests in Thailand. This season will again be challenging and fun, as we renew old ri- valries, and also start some new ones, all in the spirit of rugby. The more we collectively put into it, the more we will, collectively and individually, get out of it. Every year our club gets a little stronger as we aggressively recruit for all teams. The club is preparing to train under the direction of our new coach Des Gist. I am sure Des will make sure we are well prepared to start the season off on the right foot, play as hard as we can and of course mostly have fun. It promises to be an exciting year Last season was highly successful with great progress being made at all levels. This obviously takes a lot of organization and time from the committee, players and supporters. The ongoing commitment and dedication from all Bangers is what has kept the club going over the years. As mentioned earlier, it promises to be a exciting year and the Ban- ter wishes all our three teams every success. Editor

EDITORIAL : Roberto Guolo, Andrew Tatam, Rick O’Shea, Geoff CONTRIBUTORS Sopo Fakaua, Kilea Fakaua , Chris PROOF READER : Roger Fitzgerald c M Kenna, Kevin Hulton-Smith, Tom Kerr, Mike Laloli Hartley, Ritchie Owens WEBMASTER : Mike Laloli PHOTOGRAPHY : Johnn Jaspers, Robert Brewer

The BANGER BANTER is published quarterly by the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club for members, sponsors and friends of the rugby club. The Banger Banter is downloadable from the club web site. Members contribute all editorial and photography. The layout and design is provided by Ruck Graphics - a member of the Old Bangkok Banger Rugby Club

4 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 You Will Always be A Banger

ust a few words since we have had our AGM which was reconvened due J to poor attendance at the first calling. The new Committee has had its first meeting, and I would like to let you know who is on the committee, and who is appointed to what task. I was narrowly re-elected as your Chairman and below is the list of 2011/12 Committee members and contact details:

First Name Last Name Mobile Email Address Position

‘ Andrew McDowell 0837691100 [email protected] Chairman

Andrew Raming 0869763243 [email protected] Social/Event Management

Andrew Tatam 0852434155 [email protected] Club Captain/Vets Captain

Bob Pearson 0853181901 [email protected] Kit Management/Recruitment

Brett Richards 0847136446 [email protected] Social/Event Management

Chris Hartley 0859801670 [email protected] Secretary/Membership

Cris Dunning 0896670497 [email protected] Sponsorship

Des Gist 0818391738 [email protected] Coach

Grahame Fox 0818086014 [email protected] Ancients Rep/Club Tours

Grant Signal 0818122297 [email protected] Treasurer

Paddy McKenna 08061 55443 [email protected] Website/PR/Recruitment

Roberto Goulo 0879392778 [email protected] Colts Captain

Kevin Hutton Smith 0818119372 [email protected] Ancients Captain

Mike Laloli 0891672742 [email protected] Web Development/Publications

Considering the size of our membership, the AGM was still poorly attended. Please make an effort to come along to as many Banger events as you can. Players, ex players, veterans, ancients, social members and supporters, your Club needs you. Give us your support. Now you have the contact details of your committee. We welcome all ideas on how the club should be run. The direction of the club depends on you, make sure your voice is heard by the Committee if you have a comment. Please don’t forget to support our sponsors, their products and services whenever you have a chance. They are extremely important to us. We could not arrange all the events we organise without their generous sup- port. Make the effort – let’s make sure all we meet know we are about “Fun, Fraternity, and Friendship”. Yours in Banger Rugby

Andrew

www.oldbangkokbangers.com

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 5 You Will Always be A Banger

011 has certainly started with Sheraton Grande for a bang with many of our an- a memorable eve- nual traditions continuing to keep all ning with plenty of sections of the club entertained and laughs included. enjoying the Club spirit which comes with being a Banger. We have remained coach-less for the past few months since Pete stepped down but I hope that by the AGM on the 28th of this month we will have some good news on this front. A A huge thank you to all those who huge have stepped in and taken sessions thanks to to keep the Banger ball rolling while Mike for his help we have been between coaches. in preparing for Once again we had three teams rep- the evening and to Roberto for resenting us at our very own Bangkok helping with the presentation 10s with the Colts enjoying a Super on the night. Also thank you to Sunday, the Old Boys enjoying two the ladies of Soi Cowboy who great days before being battered in managed to return all of Jeff’s the final by the Bali Legends which belongings the following day! had six ex-International Rugby leagu- The day after the Captains Din- ers in their squad and a show stop- ner was our amazing free trip to ping entrance and exhibition from our the Heineken Brewery provided now infamous Ancients. by Andrew Lamont as part of Well done to all of those who helped his generous sponsorship. The Eddie to host another great tourna- timing worked against us a little, as only nine made it onto the bus. ment. A special mention to Nak Suu All those present had a blast and enjoyed the training, the brewery who we were very pleased with the tour and product sampling during a long and memorable day. club donation of 40,000 Baht. Also The final event, was our second game against the Thailand Na- over the weekend the Nak Suu tional Team as part of their preparation for an international match Rugby Academy children had their versus India. Even with very short notice, we were able to raise a very first taste of competitive rugby. twenty plus squad with some guest players from our friends, the A merry band of Bangers from all Bangkok Japanese, who answered our call to arms. over South East Asia notched up The game was close for the first three quarters, with four tries to another first for the Club, by enter- two before our match fitness caught up with us. The Thais touched ing the Manila Tens in the Philippines down three times in the final quarter. We should be suitably proud with an Old Boy Team. of ourselves and in particular a very strong display from the pack The team certainly returned home where Carlos and Rhys used their combined 300kg to great affect. with plenty of tales to tell but no sil- We wish Thailand the best of luck in their match against India and verware this time. We should certain- we hope to continue to build on this relationship we have with the ly look at returning next year with an national side. Old Boys and perhaps a Colts team if The Chris Kays Tens in Pattaya and Phuket International Tens are we can get the numbers. on the horizon. In addition we have a few visiting teams coming to This years Captains Dinner certainly kingdom. Keep those boots handy! did not disappoint, with fifty Bangers enjoying the hospitality of the

6 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 You Will Always be A Banger

Ciao nother season is about dawn and I am really looking forward to it. Thanks to everyone for voting me in again as the Colts Captain at the AGM. Its a real honour. We have a lot of work to do this year, particularly if want to improve upon on last season. We lost a few players last year so we need to get out and recruit new bodies. If you know of anybody that interested, please bring them out for training. You know the rules. They don’t have to be stars. Over the years, we have had new players that knew nothing about the game, join the club and we turned them into rock stars. We now have a coach. Des Gist. I look forward to working with Des in get- ting the Colts off on the right track for another year of great rugby. There are hugh challenges in front of us but I know we can do it. By the way, we have another generous sponsor. We were recently con- tacted by Brad McElroy, CEO of The Barbecue Store in Bangkok. He has donated a four burner barbecue to the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club for our support of the Bangkok Lions. Just fantastic. Thanks Brad. I am back in Italy at the moment. Unable to make it to Pattaya for the Cris Kays International Tens. Best of luck lads and we will see you soon Tante cose Roberto

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 7 You Will Always be A Banger

The Old Bangkok Bangers “Ancient” style of rugby is very much alive and kicking. This was proven at the recent 2011 Bangkok International Tens. Thirty five players showed up for the exhibition game, all aged more over 50 years, who willingly put their body on the line in the name of fun, friendship and fraternity. The eldest player was 71 years young, with most players in the 60 plus range. There was no truth to the rumor that Capitol Television needed to record the match for the expected coroner’s inquiry. Raine Grady, the producer, made it clear she needed some quality, real life rugby action as filler to support the boring takes they recorded from the main tournament games. The boys put on a great show for the crowd. We were piped on to the field by bagpipes of Iain Mowatt, a fellow Ancient. No he was not playing “The Last Post”. The game was played at a furious crawl. Supermac proved to be faster than Superman, kicking off then shuffling to the sidelines. He was also supposed to organise the rolling subs, but must have forgotten to take his pills. By half time all subs were on the field. No one was counting heads anyway. A few minutes before full time, the referee was reminded of rule number one of the Ancients Rugby credo. ”No Winner, No Loser” This gentle reminder influenced his next decision A very deft kick-off, a lot of fum- bles and missed tackles by the Red team and the Black team scored a double try -- Whatever that is. The game, of course finished in a draw, The winner was rugby. All the players retired to the first aid room for their Geratol or was that a Heineken? It is very encouraging to see so many oldies keen to join in the spirit of our “Ancients” style of rugby. We must wholeheartedly pursue the development of our special game, unique in Asia. What is important it keeps the really old fellas in the game. Other clubs in the region are beginning to take notice. My personal thanks to all the players and also to the younger Bangers for their enthusiastic support.

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 8

You Will Always be A Banger

could be whoever we wanted to be if we worked hard at it KILEA : Hands up to my old man BANTER : Who were some sporting heroes grow- ing up ? SOPO : My father. He loves sport and was a boxer and a rugby player – I saw the passion he had for the sport and the discipline of being the best you can be in it. Michael Jones and John Walker are a couple others sporting heroes that spring to mind, KILEA : Michael Jones (Iceman) and Brian Lima (Hitman) BANTER : Can’t help but notice your love of physi- cal contact during a game.? SOPO : At school – we were always taught that you MUST commit to the tackle even if it’s a two on one - so the follow through has been an impor- BANTER : Where are both from in New Zealand ? tant game plan growing up. The Samoan game is SOPO : We were born and raised in South always physical, as they say “The bigger they are, Auckland, New Zealand the bigger they fall” BANTER : You have Samoan lineage. Are your BANTER : Who’s the better athlete Sopo or Kilea? parents in New Zealand ? SOPO : I don’t know how to answer that one. We SOPO : Our parents are were born in Samoa and both love and respect each other’s abilities to be as migrated to New Zealand in the early 60’s and now good as you can be and enjoy playing the game. have moved to Australia and live in Perth, Western KILEA : I think the more important question is, Australia. “who is the better looking?” Me of course, but seri- BANTER : How old were you both got a taste for ously, my brother is the better player. rugby ? BANTER : What have been your best sporting mo- SOPO : I remember going to watch my father play ments on the field? rugby, so every match all the kids will come out and SOPO : The best moments for me are playing have a run on the field after the adults had played against the Southerners and beating them!! Having there match. I guess it was in our blood and once a good team of gifted players behind you, always you put that ball in our hands, we become different makes for awesome sporting moments on the field. people. BANTER : What do think of the current All Black KILEA : Born with it side ? BANTER : Do you have fond memories of your early SOPO : I don’t know who’s been picked for the rugby days ? squad this year. SOPO : Yeah, at a early age everyone wants to be BANTER : Are we good enough to win the World number 10 – so I started playing in the forwards and Cup ? loved breaking off the scrum and sizing up my op- SOPO : Not sure, but they will have the massive posite number. pressure of winning this years World Cup. I think KILEA : Always loved looking out to the sideline and they just need to play every game and enjoy it. seeing mum and dad cheering me on. They are a gifted group of guys. BANTER : Who were big influences on your career KILEA : I think we can win it, as long as Graham growing up? Henry doesn’t put Luke McAlister on the paddock. SOPO : Of course my parents and just the work BANTER : Cannot help but notice the number of All ethic they had and love for us – they believed we Blacks with Samoan heritage ?

10 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 You Will Always be A Banger

SOPO : The influence of New Zealand rugby in the 60’s has played a major role for the sport played in Samoa. I think for every young Samoan that plays the sport is always dreaming of representing their country and for those who have been given opportu- nities to play in New Zealand, is like they have struck gold. KILEA : Yes its because the capital of Samoa is Auckland BANTER : When you arrived in Bangkok, how did you both end up playing with the Bangers ? SOPO : I’ve played for the British Club under Eddie in 05’. When I moved here 07’ Eddie told me about the Bangers and I have been playing for them ever since. Le’a visited Bangkok a couple of times I had him come and play for us He remembered the great atmosphere and how he bonded well with the guys in the club. KILEA : Easy. Sopo was already a member of the club and I happily tagged along. Tell us a little about Ark International BANTER : Enjoying your rugby in Bangkok ? BANTER : and the Nak Suu Rugby Academy ? SOPO : Very much, I would like to get more in- volved with rugby here especially with one of the SOPO : Ark International is an organization that rugby programs that we run with the Slum kids – I works with Children at Risk in SE Asia. think we can take rugby in Thailand into another Prior to starting Nak Suu, we would visit differ- level. ent slum communities during the week and run KILEA : Absolutely, The fact that rugby exists in our kids program in those communities. I noticed Bangkok is a bonus. a patterns of school drop outs, addiction, with no real role models or opportunities for kids to achieve something in their life. These kids have great potential but lack the oppor- tunities to be successful in life. I had an idea about creating a sports program. All the kids that play rugby also attend the mentoring program, which focuses on life skill development: making choices, perseverance, identity and self-esteem etc. So that’s really how Nak Suu was born. It is 100% non-profit and all of our staff are volunteers - it’s been really positive so far and we feel privileged to serve the communities in this way.

BANTER : Kilea, you had a great year on the pad- dock. You seem to connect well with Shaun Stewart and Jacques Boshoff ? KILEA : Yer it seem to work well. Shaun was such a gifted player. He gave me many plenty of space to work with. The understanding between Jacques and Shaun was also something special. It was liked they had played together before. It was a great season and I take my hat off to every Banger that played. BANTER : You won the Colt of the Year at the re- cent Captains Dinner. Must be happy about that? KILEA : Thanks Bangers. Really appreciate it. An- BANTER : What’s your involvement with Ark Inter- other trophy added to my extensive collection (grand national? total of 1) SOPO : I’m the SE Asian Regional Director (noth-

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 11 You Will Always be A Banger

We have a desire to network with different uni- versities around the city to give scholarships for these kids who have great potential – use this as an incentive for our kids to remain at school and to understand the importance of education. Our wishes for the youth center is that it could be a place for further training and development into other areas of specialized skill BANTER : The Old Bangkok Bangers have helped with some funding and your coaching program. It seem however you need more to meet your objec- tives? SOPO : Firstly, we are so grateful for all the support that the Bangers have contributed to the Nak Suu program and for all the Bangers who have volun- teered in helping with our programs. I believe that giving the kids rugby is not enough to sustain them in making good choices in life and building character – transforming lives and commu- nities is a big commitment and we are willing to go all the way. ing fancy but the overseer). In regards to funding, there are different categories KILEA : I work with Sopo and the Nak Suu Rugby of needs for individuals/clubs to direct donations for Academy. I coach two teams, both in the under Nak Suu 10’s division. During the week I also help out with • A rather significant amount of money to pur- our other programs and mentor a group of teenage chase land and develop a Youth Center boys in one of the communities • Weekly running cost (approx $400) BANTER : Briefly, what are your long term plans for • Acquisition of 3-4 Large Vehicles ($30,000 the Nak Suu Rugby Academy ? each USD) – this makes up nearly 2/3 of our SOPO : My plans for Naksuu are to develop a running costs each week at present. center where we can expand our resources into • We always need more volunteers and com- more communities so that more and more kids have mitted coaches access to our program. BANTER : Thank you both for your time.

The IRB Law 2 states: • The ball must be oval and made of four panels. • Length in line 280 - 300 millimeters • Circumference (end to end) 740 - 770 millimeters • Circumference (in width) 580 - 620 millimeters • Material: Leather or suitable synthetic material. It may be treated to make it water resistant and easier to grip. • Weight: 410 - 460 grams • Air pressure at start of play: 65.71-68.75 kilopascals, or 0.67-0.70 kilograms per square centimeter, or 9.5- 10.0 lbs per square inch.

12 Banger Banter. April - June 2011

Contact : EDDIE EVANS You Will Always be A Banger

Des Gist e have a new coach. Des Gist Des has been a member of the Banger for last three years. Des grew up in North Queensland. He originally played rugby leaque, however converted to union while still at high school, play- ing for Townsville Grammar. Following on he had spells with South Kiwis in Townsville - now the Ross River Redskins - the University in Melbourne and the Typhoons Rugby Club in Hong Kong. When he took up his regional appointment in Bangkok with Colgate Palmolive, he naturally wanted to be involved with rugby, so joined the Old Bangkok Bangers. Des’s coaching career started when he became involved with the Hong Kong Mini Rugby Program when his children started to play the game. He has maintained an interest ever since. When he arrived in Bangkok he became involved with the Bangkok Lions, taking responsibility for the under 14’s . When he asked what he hoped to achieve in coaching the Bangers. He said “That was a good question. With such an eclectic bunch with wide degrees of skills/experiences and age it will be an interesting task to challenge the skillful and improve the inexperienced while maintaining the philosophy of inclusiveness and fraternity.” This man should be a politician when he give up coaching. We wish Des the best of luck and anticipate he will take Banger rugby to the next level. Des will have a regu- lar column in the Banter.

Shaun Stewart ts not often we write about a player that has moved on after a I season with the Bangers. That tradition is cared before before the player leaves with a party and farewell drinks. However from time to time, some players stand out who in a short space of time made a real impact on the Banger game. We are talking about Shaun Stewart. Diminutive in stature, Shaun made a hugh impression last season with the Banger Colts. He has since left the club and returned to his native South Africa. The pint-sized assassin possessed a tactical awareness of the options available in attack and defense. His agility, balance, quickness, and the ability to get the ball out to the back line in a timely and controlled fashion was a pleasure to watch. Time and space are popular and overused words these days to mea- sure some of the talents of inside backs. In Shaun’s case these words are just perfect. He kept his opposite number and the loose forwards always guessing and on the back foot. Another skill was his ability to pass the ball without looking, always knowing intuitively there someone was there to receive it. When you asked Shaun where he acquired these talents he modestly replied it came naturally. The Old Bangkok Bangers wish him all the best back in South Africa. He made many friends here and would always be welcome back.

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 15 You Will Always be A Banger

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 16 You Will Always be A Banger

Commercial Manager HEINEKEN

BANTER : What changes do you see occurring in the next ten years in the industry and how is Hei- neken positioning itself to take advantage of these opportunities? ANDREW: The competition within Thailand will increase as the market opens up and consumers look for more choice, this has been experienced in many markets. Heineken is in the enviable position of dominating the premium segment so we need to work to ensure the brand remains relevant as the consumer needs change. It is also important to have a strong portfolio of brands so we are fortunate to have Tiger, Cheers (a local beer), Guinness and Kilkenny. BANTER : How would you define Heineken current positioning in the Thailand beer market? ANDREW: Heineken is the premium international beer in Thailand, targeting the drinkers 25 +…you don’t learn to drink with Heineken, we leave that for the mainstream beers. The Thai consumer is our core target, however farang account for higher consumption per drinker so you guys are still very important to us. BANTER : In preparing for this interview the Banter did a little research. There is not many countries you BANTER : How does an organization the size of are not in these days. 170 countries I believe ? Heineken measure its performance? What are the ANDREW: That’s correct. Heineken first arrived in key drivers that enable success? Asia in 1931 as a joint venture partner in what is now ANDREW: Quality is a key measure and not just Asia Pacific Breweries out of Singapore and currently in the product but the way we present the brand in has 37 breweries in 13 countries throughout Asia. the market and the activities that we run. For us it is not about how much volume we sell, although this BANTER : Before I start, I must say I did the Heinek- is very important for the team at the brewery, but en brewery tour in Amsterdam a couple of decades how we add value to the brand by driving equity and ago. It was on of those things you did as a right of consumer demand. passage backpacking around Europe ? ANDREW: I also recall a brewery tour in Pilsen, Czechoslovakia where we ended having to sleep the night in the brewery carpark after a bit too much sam- pling went on, never looked back! I am very fortunate to be paid for doing something that I enjoy doing and able to have an excuse to spend time in bars rather than behind a desk. BANTER : What are the qualities that Heineken pos- sess that have allowed it to continue being so suc- cessful? ANDREW: Heineken is a true international beer with consistency across the world. We regularly send- ing samples back to Amsterdam to have tested, to ensure strict quality standards are met and we also source raw materials from the same suppliers as other Heineken breweries so we are always produc- ing a consistent brew, which is hard to beat.

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 17 You Will Always be A Banger

BANTER : Andrew you were in Hanoi before taking up the reins here? Any similarities between the Vietnam market and Thailand ? ANDREW: The difference is that the beer market in Vietnam is growing quickly as the wealth increases and drinking beer is part of the culture so when you go out, beer is ordered by the crate and you sit there until it is finished…some close similarities to the Bangers! BANTER : The Bangers gives support to Heineken in the usual manner . We drink enough of it. Broke the record at the Red & White Restaurant on Soi 105 recently. 141 bottles in one session ? ANDREW: I have had the pleasure of joining the Bangers at the Red & White for the Christmas Carols and saw the potential even with it being a family session…must say that the Bangers are also a major contribu- tor to the beer sales at the Bangkok 10’s. BANTER : See you have a trot with Banger Vets occasionally, Are you enjoying the rugby here ? ANDREW: I enjoyed getting out for a run at the Bangkok 10’s but age has certainly caught up since I was last on the pitch. Not a bad effort put in by the team with a spot in the finals. I intend getting out again when the time allows and get down to the NIST training. BANTER : Thanks Andrew. See you at training

Old Bangkok Bangers. Coach 2003 - 07

ell I’ve made it back to our beloved Thailand and I am so much wiser and maturer than when I left almost 4 years ago. Sounds like a great opening line for an epic novel, but it’s just the senile musings of an ex-coach, ex-player, ex-pat Banger who now sees all around him the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club going through changes. I didn’t expect anything else. Now don’t get me wrong I have assiduous- ly followed the Bangers fortunes from Malaysia, Ireland and Egypt during my absence and have made the odd pilgrimage back to worship at the Wall of Knowledge. However when you are back amongst it, it’s no longer a voyeuristic titillation but you get to appreciate (again) the hard work and dedication that makes the Bangers a uniquely friendly club. Now I’m being a little disingenuous here as I’m not actually in Bangkok but living in the pearl drop island of Phuket – home of our arch rivals the Viagrabonds. More of that later. The Bangers can now boast age ranges from minus 8 months (foetuses are ritualized into the club as soon as a Bangers little spermatoza hooks up) through the Nak Su Academy, the Colts, the Old Boys and now the Ancients. What next - the Decrepits and the Arthritics. Alas, I’m now living 900 kilometers away so the Colts will just have to do without me. The Viagrabonds have been tempting me with free diving trips to the Similan islands and swimming with manta rays. Pat Cotter is indeed a wiley coach. Of course every man has his price but I’d rather be a Trojan horse amongst them than go down in history as a traitorous Brutus, Judas or Gavin Henson. If at some stage, I may be persuaded to don the enemy’s mantle you can be sure that it will not be against the Bangers and that I will he handsomely awarded for it – swimming with Pippa Middleton might just do the trick.

18 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 Barbecue Store 21 Sukhumvit Soi 39 Sukhumvit, Bangkok You Will Always be A Banger

Global Traveller

t was the year of 1997 when my I hall, the call beautiful blue eyes were opened up goes out for to the world; I was to encounter two life us to board. changing experiences. My grand- Firstly I lost my virginity. Yes I know it was mother says late (17 years old) but in those days I was “let’s go; even uglier than I am now. Whilst I’m sure now the fun you are all intrigued about my virginity, starts.” sexual conquests and desires it is my The flight second experience which has had more was turbu- of an impact on my life. The first time I lence free travelled abroad. and I wondered to myself what all the fuss was about, apart I can’t remember the exact date, thir- from taking off and landing you wouldn’t even have known teen years is a long time ago. Stumbling you were moving. downstairs to have breakfast my mother So the first night in Salou, a popular tourist destination south calls me “Ritchie! Come here please” I of Barcelona. We arrived late in the afternoon there wasn’t was thinking “What now?” I haven’t done much time to explore so we decided just to relax by the pool anything wrong or misbehaved in the and get up early. As we met couples and families it was be- slightest which believe it or not was a rar- coming apparent that I could indeed have some fun. ity in those days when I spent parts of my So my grandmother and I are necking the beers as the bill youth being a bit of a bad boy. tab increases steadily. All this was too much for my grand- My mother was sat with my grandmother mother as she retired to bed leaving me all alone, how trust- in the lounge sipping on their coffee, very ing! The first thing I did was light up a fag, in those days I unusual indeed. I was asked to sit down liked the odd cigarette. and then it was broken to me. I was go- The evening was very uneventful; nobody was around so ing to Barcelona in Spain, for the last ten after an hour or two I also decided it was time to sleep. After years all I had to look forward to was a stumbling through the door and waking my grandmother, it week in Butlins. was obvious I was in trouble. “Have you been smoking?” No I I was so excited and had to pinch myself replied. I stunk like an ashtray. to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, the only Whilst eating breakfast at some stupidly early time it was downside was it was with my grand- revealed to me we were going to Barcelona. The trip was an mother. After several minutes of weighing organised one which included the Olympic village, driving up the pros and cons of travelling with my around a lot, the Gaudi cathedral, La Sagrada Famila and grandmother, I was like Why Not ? she Nou Camp the home of the Barcelona Football Club. was only in her 40s at the time and still raring to party. The only place I was interested in was the The trip from the Northamptonshire coun- Nou Camp, but it was tryside to Gatwick was a long and boring the work of Gaudi which one. Conversation between my grand- blew my mind, I was in mother and I was at a minimum as I was total awe of his mas- shitting myself about getting on a plane terpiece and was truly for the very first time. astonished by what he After an hour and a half we arrived at the achieved. This one trip airport. I was so excited I could barely paved the way for me to contain myself. My parents waved us travel the world, only for goodbye as I saw the build-up of tears in me to witness some of my mother’s eyes; for the first time ever the most amazing build- my mother was going to be without her ings and natural wonders eldest son. that exist on earth today. As we are sat patiently in the departure To be continued. ....

20 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 You Will Always be A Banger

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 21 You Will Always be A Banger

As everybody knows, coffee contains caffeine. hat’s the stuff which acts on the nervous system. Coffee T contains alkaloids, volatile aromatic substances and other compounds that make up the phenolic phase of reconstituted coffee beans. A moderate amount of coffee soothes, eliminates the feeling of tiredness and exhaustion, makes mental work easier and overcomes drowsiness. Larger doses of caffeine can cause nervous excitation, trem- bling, insomnia, palpitations and irregular heartbeating. Coffee also acts as a digestive stimulant which, some experts say, is why coffee should never be drunk on an empty stomach. The coffee shrub originated in Abyssinia and the Sudan. It is a large evergreen bush with dark shiny leaves. The cherry-like fruit is soaked, depulped and dried. The seeds are then pol- ished to remove the parchment-like husk and outer filament. Legend has it that the first man to drink coffee was the Mufti of Aden, who lived in the beginning of the ninth century. Coffee, Geoff Mckenna - Banger Class of 2002 in the Middle East is considered one of the first necessities of life. It was hardly known in Europe until the sixteenth century. The Dutch founded the East India coffee trade when they introduced coffee into Java around 1690. The best varieties of coffee, known as mocha or Yemen, came from Arabia, Reunion Island and Martinique. The original names have been preserved in the trade to distinguish three main types of coffee. • Bourbon: Medium sized, oblong beans that are yellowish in color. • Martinique: The largest beans, rounded at the ends and greenish in color. • Mocha: Small irregular beans, yellowish in color and convex on both sides. Coffees of various origins are usually blended in different proportions. When green, coffee keeps for a long time, provided that it is protected from dampness. It is totally devoid of any smell. To release the aroma, coffee beans have to be roasted. Well roasted coffee should be brown with varying degrees of darkness but should never be black. If not sufficiently roasted, it produces a colorless liquid that is rough and astrin- gent. If over roasted it results in a black, bitter mess. After roasting, coffee does not keep its aroma for long. Instant coffee was the invention of a Mr. G Washing- ton, an Englishman living in Guatemala. The story has it that while waiting in the garden for his wife to join him for coffee, he noticed on the spout of the silver coffee pot a fine powder which he thought to be the condensation of the coffee vapors. This intrigued him and led to his discovery of soluble coffee. In 1906 he started experiments and put his product on the market in 1909. Of course, since then, hardly any adult on the planet starts their day without a hot cup of Java, Joe…Coffee. Decaffeinated coffee involves an operation that con- sists of breaking up the beans by the use of steam, subjecting them to an extraction in a solvent, such as chloroform, then eliminating this liquid by heating and roasting. After roasting, the coffee retains the same taste as ordinary coffee that has not been treated without having any of the stimulating properties of normal coffee. (What a waste!).

22 Banger Banter. April - June 2011

You Will Always be A Banger

Stewart Gorman - , Banger 2007 -10 ANTICIPATION IS HALF THE FUN irst off Bangers, congratulations for your ster- ling efforts in the Bangkok International 10s with the Old Boys and the Colts reaching their respective finals only to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. At least the Weasel Cup is back in its rightful place. Not forgetting the Ancients who we all aspire to be one day. Great performance chaps. To be honest, at times like this it can be frustrating writing a rugby article, as I read all about the games the Bangers play on a regular basis. I am looking forward to only my second game since arriving back in London. Fortunately, that is this weekend and I’m really look- ing forward to it. Wanstead’s Vets or as they call themselves the Desparados or Despos for short, earlier and get to training on time. have apparently never won a match, so social rugby It was well worth it with a turnout of 10 vets raring will be the order of the day – just how I like it. to go. That was until the shuttle runs started About a month ago, I received an email that the and ball retention training routines implemented, Despos annual fixture with Old Bealonians had been leading to several injuries (real or fake I don’t arranged for Saturday 16th April. Out went the call know) and an agreement that we’d best finish off for all Vets regardless of ability to get their act to- with a game of touch. Knackered but thoroughly gether and head for training some four weeks before enjoyed the hour and half on the paddock I the game. resolved to return the following week. So on Wednesday 23rd March I planned to go, only Unfortunately, could not make the final training to be thwarted by visiting my mum in hospital. I session this week as we had friends over from expecting the visiting bell to ring on time at 7.00 pm Thailand and went out to dinner with them. How- giving me the opportunity to meet the 7.30 training ever I am now worried about my energy levels deadline This was scuppered by the visiting bell ring- are not what they should be. ing at 7.20. Jintana asked me to carry two bags of compost Not to be outdone, the following week I took a day’s up two flights of stairs for her and I was breathing leave and arranged for some work to be done at my hard after completing the task. mum’s house allowing me to do the hospital visit It is now less than 48 hours to the game, butter- flies are beginning set in just like they do before the first game of the season. Can already smell the deep heat in the changing room, anticipating the pre-match banter, that first hit and can almost taste the after match thirst quenching Guinness. Now I fully understand why I play this silly game. Hope to catch up with Damien Cryne before too long for a beer as he is another Banger back in London. Understand he has joined a club too but hasn’t told me which one. Nick White on the other hand is playing for Kettering IIIs and invited me to have a run out with them Enjoy the upcoming Pattaya and Phuket tours and in return I’ll tell you all about my second game back in in the next edition of the Banter. May even have a photo or two!

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You Will Always be A Banger

he Old Bangkok Bangers ended another year in a good financial shape. Sponsorship was hard to find this year, so the Banger year will now start on the 1st July instead of the 1st April. The Annual General Meeting didn’t materialise and was re-scheduled for 28th April. Several new faces are standing this year, with the young guns expected to replace some of the Banger “Originals”. The Captains Dinner was another great success. It’s a huge effort putting this event together. Well done to the Andrew Tatam, Roberto Goulo, Douggie and MikeL. The club is moving on to bigger things these days and I wish them luck in their endeavours. Times have changed from the club’s humble beginnings. They are the premier “farang” side in the Bangkok rugby competition and a truly professional outfit. Time for old boy administrators to move on. We still have the Banger Ancients !!!!! Rick O’Shea - Banger Class of 2002 We had a celebrity visit the club rooms recently. He comes from the other code they call soccer. Owen Oyston, a Director of the Blackpool Football Club, was in Bangkok and had meetings with the Thai Football Association plus Bec-Tero Sasana FC. Should they remain in the premier division, they will tour Thailand and play two games. They will use the clubhouse as their den so looking forward to that. May have to get “edumucated” on the round ball code. Well, the Kiwis were unbeaten at the recent World Cup. The Super 15’s has seen a couple of surprise teams with the Reds and the Highlanders playing a good brand of rugby. You get the feeling however, its the with no home ground, who will be the team to beat at the business end of the season. The , Reds, Crusaders, Waratahs and are all looking good for the top six. The Tri-nation series this year will be a reduced format with just a home and away game. On the 9th September the commences. All kiwi eyes are not on the competing teams but rather on the ten referees they selected to run the show Controversial refs Jonathon Kaplan and Steve Walsh have been included but not Stuart Dickinson. Yep, Wayne Barnes is flying in from his villa on the south of . The scary thing here is, should England not make the final he will referee that game. All bets are off! Still v

26 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 You Will Always be A Banger

Where were you born ? Marton, New Zealand. The name of your first rugby club ? Bulls RFC. What was your club nickname? Mouse. Did you ever play first grade rugby? Hardly! Where do you call home? Bangkok, Bulls, Wellington, Palmerston North. Five words that describe you.? Persistent. What’s is a phrase you use often...? Oh shut up, Rick. Are you superstitious? No. Touch wood. What is the most surprising thing ever to happen to you ? A woman agreed to marry me. And then another one did too Other sports that you played: ? What’s a common misperception people have of you ? Cricket, Soccer, Shooting, Basketball, Tennis, Go That I’m a good ref. Karting. What’s your ideal night out ?. Best rugby memory: ? Watching rugby at the pub. Scoring two tries on debut for the Bulls RFC Under In a nutshell, what is your philosophy of life ? 12s. Life is not a practice run. Get involved. Rugby player you admire most ? After a busy day what would be the perfect way to relax ? Tates, of course. Beer, rugby on the TV Rugby team you admire most: ? What motivates you to be focused and driven? Stupid question. Money. Sporting event you would most like to attend: ? What’s your favourite food? RWC 2011. Lucky I have tickets! Lamb of course. And I like eating it. Three people you would invite to dinner ? What is your greatest talent or party trick? The Undertaker, Hannibal Lecter, and the wanker I have many talents. Refereeing rugby must be my greatest. that keyed my car. Book you are currently reading or have just finished ?: QUICK FIRE Ring of Fire – Valentino Rossi’s career (or me after a hot Comedy or action ? Action. curry) Books or films? Films. Favourite TV programme:? Beer or spirits? Beer. Cops Fast food or health eating? Roast lamb. Favourite Film:? Night in or night out? Out. Zulu (before they had cops) McDonald’s, Pizza or street food? Street food. Deep Purple or U2 ? Both. Most enjoyable holiday location:? Heineken or Singha ? Sponsor’s brew, naturally. New Zealand – motorbike riding Blonde or Brunette? Brunette. Person you would most like to meet: ? The guy/girl who ‘keyed’ my car in Soi 33 a couple of years FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND ago. Hobbies: ? Best airline ? TG I can’t say, I’d get arrested. Politics ? Best avoided. Biggest influence on career: ? Religion ? Presbyterian. My conservative nature. Adolf Hitler and Genghis Khan Sex ? As often as possible. Reality TV ? Yep. Best career advice you were given ? Red Shirts ? Idiots. Get a job. And a haircut. Soccer ? Ban it.

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 27 You Will Always be A Banger

rikey dik, its three months since I penned my last column for the Banter. A lot has happened on the rugby pitch since then. The Super 15’s has been exciting this year, with the show- ing the way. Top of the ladder. You can’t do any better than that. The recent game against the Waratahs was beauty. I said last year, the Reds were going to be the team to beat in a season or two. Its happened faster than I thought. The wobbly Waratahs have a lot of work to do. Really disappointed. Just seem to throw games away. Buggered if I know what wrong with them. The are finding it tough in the big league, the esternW Force are competitive and the Canberra have pressed the self destruct button. The Brumbies goes through coaches like I go through cans of Tooheys. Bets are on to see how long Jake White stays. Which brings me to the Crusaders. They are the Kiwi team to beat with Sonny Boy and Danny Carter and that fellow with the odd name, Israel Dagg, giving them plenty of bullets. However, they are not having it all their own way across the pond That Auckland mob are looking good this year also. The Pommie flyhalf, Danny Cipriani has failed to fire and has been benched by the Melbourne Rebels. What is it about some players, that seem to want make more news in the bars than they do playing on the pad- dock. Danny is like that Welshman Gavin Henson, who is always in the news for all the wrong reasons. I see he has been released by Toulon. Cannot help but notice the silly money that is being offered to top players these days. What’s a player to do? Wear the national flag on your breast or a go and play for a French club and earn a million dollars a year. I take the view, its a slam dunk. The million dollars wins. Which brings me to “Dingo Deans”. He must be happy with what he sees out there. His star players are all playing well. If he can get all his ducks in a row right before the World Cup, the Wallabies have to be odds on to make it to at least the semis. I see he has just signed a contract extension. For those interested in how my fitness program is going or was. Started well with a couple of laps around Lumpini Park each morning and a workout on the weights in the apartment building. Then a pile of mates come up from OZ. And that was it. They expected me to show them the town and I did. Still learning to pace myself. See ya round. Bazza

28 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 You Will Always be A Banger

f you popped into Wall Street during the recent Cricket World Cup, for a beer you would have noticed there was not a Banger in sight. The Wall Of Knowledge was looking rather forlorn. However, at the other end of the bar busi- ness was brisk. Not with Banger rugby club members though. The patrons were mainly from the sub con- tinent and local Indian expats supporting India in the Final against Sri Lanka. Baht was flying across the bar proportional to India’s performance in the game and the drinks just kept coming. Not your budget happy hour beer here but cocktails and spirits. Rick O’Shea, the beaming publican reported “Business was booming. Like old times” His patrons on this day were not just any Indians. These guys were serious movers and shakers in the property market in Bangkok. It turns out they owned most of dirt and buildings on Soi 33. Wall Street Bar & Grill, the Banger clubrooms, are part of their portfolio. The Banger hoi polloi first heard the news, when an- other favorite watering hole of the Bangers, Tenderloins Steak House, across the road from Wall Street, recently got their lease terminated and marching orders. The not so happy owner did have time however, to find vacant space in a shop house closer to Sukhumvit Road, owned coincidentally by another cartel of Indian property inves- tors!!! On the Tenderloins site, the property syndicate are build- ing a multi story hotel. Like everywhere in Bangkok at the moment, cranes are working overtime building condo- miniums and hotels. The clubrooms have escaped the hatchet. Apparently, Punters Outside Wall Street Watching The Cricket World Cuo the proprietor has an iron clad lease. Whatever that means. What’s happening on the Wall of Knowledge? Not a lot to report these days. The owner is away on his annual motorbike pilgrimage around the kingdom. The Wall of Knowledge could do with a bit of a spruce up. Its looking a little tired these days. With the World Cup coming up, maybe the Wall of Knowledge Board of Deputies should have a quiet word in the ear of the owner. Some things never change. On any given Saturday, you will find Douggie Ozanne and Geoff the Chef sitting at the Wall. They are two very loyal patrons. Not easy to find that type of customer devotion these days in a crowded Bangkok pub market.

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 29 You Will Always be A Banger

ugby shirt, often referred to as a , is a shirt worn by players of rugby union. It usually has short sleeves, though long sleeves are common as well. Rugby shirts have a buttoned opening at the top, in a similar style to polo shirts but with a stiffer collar. Modern rugby shirts often have a very small collar so as to provide less material for a potential tackler to latch onto (even though such an action is illegal in a game). Rugby shirts tradition- ally have rubber buttons so that they would, if pulled on in a game, come undone rather than pop off. Rugby shirts, like most sports jerseys, will usually have a logo on the chest and a number on the back, though shirts not meant for competitive play will usually forgo the number. Labels of sponsorship are com- mon, and generally appear on the abdominal area of the shirt. A traditional design of rugby shirt consists of five or six horizontal stripes or "hoops" in alternating colours. Rugby shirts were traditionally made out of cotton, but as synthetic fabrics became cheaper they have be- come incorporated into rugby shirts. The two most common materials are a mix between cotton and polyes- ter and pure polyester. The reason for the preference of polyester in a game situation is twofold: firstly, polyester is harder to get hold of in a tackle situation, as it is inherently more 'slippy' than cotton or a cotton-blend. In addition, the increasing use of skin tight shirts further enhances this effect, as there is no loose material for a tackler to get a grip of. The other benefit of man-made fibre over cotton is that it absorbs less water and mud. A cotton rugby kit can weigh around 6 to 8 lb (2.7 to 3.6 kg) when wet.

ugby boots are the most important tool for a rugby player. They are the primary asset on the field, and have a huge impact on the performance of a player, so it is imperative to ensure that they are kept in good shape. As boots can be rather pricey, - if you are not buying Silom Road copies - it makes sense to take special care of them; else you will have to keep on buying new boots all the time. Not only will proper maintenance prolong their usage, it will also help you improve your game by increasing support and comfort! The important thing about cleaning your rugby boots is to do so after each wear. The boots must be dried out after the every game espe- cially after playing during bad weather like rain. Rugby boots are sub- jected to constant kicking often in awful conditions, such as muddy and watery grounds. It is important to clean off all traces of dirt, mud or grass off your boots with a soft damp cloth, preventing damage to the leather. When not in use, try to keep them as dirt and dust free as possible. If there is excessive dirt that cannot be removed easily, use a leather cleaner. If you do not have this specific cleaner, do not use any other type of household cleaning product on your boots. These can damage your shoes and cause colours to fade. If your boots are wet, let them dry naturally. If the sock liner is not glued into the boots, remove it and stuff the shoes with crumpled newspaper. This will ensure that the shoes will retain their shape while drying. Do not use artificial heat such as a radiator to dry your boots, as this will cause the leather to become stiff and deteriorate the adhesives. If the heat is intense enough, the soleplate can warp, making your boots uncom- fortable to use. If you have screw-in studded rugby boots, these require additional care to maintain the studs and thread area. When dry, remove studs from the sole of the boots, clean thoroughly and grease the studs. Greasing the studs will present rust from forming if moisture gets in. Re-tighten the studs to ensure that they do not fall off.

30 Banger Banter. April - June 2011

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ugby players on occasions engaged in an evening of heavy alcohol R consumption. Many of these individuals likely suffered the miserable physical and psychological effects the following morning. Irritability, headache, muscle aches, fatigue, nausea and photophobia are all part of a post-alcohol syndrome known as a hang over. The symptoms associ- ated with a hang over can last hours to days depending on the individual. Fortunately there are some steps you can take to help get rid of a hang over faster. Instructions Degree Of Difficulty : Moderate Begin consuming fluids as soon as possible to get rid of a hang over. Water is fine but oral rehydration solutions or sports drinks are better choices because of the critical minerals and electrolytes they contain. Eat some sugar to get rid of a hang over. Honey, which contains fructose and glucose, is a popular remedy when mixed with water. Much of the irritability and poor concentration associated with a hang over are the re- sult of the body’s temporary inability to produce adequate amounts of sugar. Start eating solid food to get rid of a hang over. Food consumption will provide the electrolytes and calories necessary to eliminate alcohol and it’s harmful metabolites from the body. Go slow to avoid nausea or vomiting. Consider eating a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich to help get rid of a hang over. This popular ritual is based on the fact that each of the various food components is rich in the amino acid cysteine which is necessary for the production of the antioxidant glutathione. Increase the amount of functional glutathione in your body to get rid of a hang over. Glutathione works to detoxify alcohol and it’s metabo- lites. Avoid coffee when trying to get rid of a hang over. The caffeine may provide a brief burst of energy; however, it is also a diuretic which will worsen your hydration status. Consider taking vitamin B6 (pyridoxine) to get rid of a hang over. There’s actually a small medical study that supports this practice; however, the amount of pyridoxine used was extremely large. Wash down your vitamins and supplements with a fruit juice elixir that contains bananas, citrus fruits and strawberries. This healthy drink is rich in B vitamins, magnesium and vitamin C all of which help the body detoxify and eliminate alcohol.

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 32 You Will Always be A Banger

A Guy Goes Into A Supermarket A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an at- Our Lawn Mower Broke tractive woman waving at him. She says hello. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know But, somehow I always had something else to take me?’ care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one something more important to me. of my kids.’ Finally she thought of a clever way to make her Now his mind travels back to the only time he has point. When I arrived home one day, I found her ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a to on the pool table with all my buddies watching short time and then went into the house. I was gone while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?’ only a minute, and when I came out again I handed She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the your son’s teacher.” grass, you might as well sweep the driveway..” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

And Then The Fight Started...... After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my pension. The woman behind the coun- ter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wal- let at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience today. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’ And then the fight started... My wife was standing nude, looking in the bed- room mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” And then the fight started...... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started... My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping chan- nels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started.. Wallaby Prop Diet

33 Banger Banter. April - June 2011 You Will Always be A Banger

Old Bangkok Banger Rugby Therapist

fuel line. If it’s clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injec- tors. I hope this helps Nantida I split up with expat boyfriend six weeks ago after a year togeth- er. His excuse was that he wanted space, but three days later he texted me saying he loved me. Then someone told me he’d started seeing another girl, who works as a go go dancer, straight after me. I called to ask him why and he told me he didn’t know what he was doing and that Nantida he missed me. I hope you can help me here. The other He added that he was worried I’d never want him back after day, I set off for work leaving my hus- what he’d done. band in the house watching the TV. I I’m so confused. Why did he say he wanted to be alone then get hadn’t driven more than 5 miles down together with someone else? And why does he keep saying he the road when the engine conked out loves me? He’s 36 with no kids and parties a lot. and the car shuddered to a halt. Need Advice I walked back home to get my hus- You know what, it doesn’t matter why he’s doing all these band’s help. When I got home I couldn’t things. Don’t hang around for his calls or text messages. believe my eyes. He was in our bed- He’s 36, he’s been with you a year and the commitment has room with the neighbours’ daughter. I’m scared the hell out of him. He clearly doesn’t know whether 32, my husband is 34, and the neigh- he’s ready to give up partying and go go dancers. He’s trying to bours’ daughter is 22. We have been keep you on hold. Carry on making a good life for yourself and married for ten years. I reckon that by the time he comes crawling back, you’ll think When I confronted him, he broke down “Actually, I’m all right without you”. Find a new boyfriend and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. Nantida He was let go from his job six months We have been going together with my Isarn girlfriend for three ago and he says he has been feeling years now. All was going along fine until my recent visit up coun- increasingly depressed. Ever since I try to visit the family over Songkran. Enjoy these visits but noth- gave him the ultimatum he has become ing prepared me for the request on the latest visit. Here father increasingly distant. He won’t go to took me aside ask me if I would buy him a rice harvester..... counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get I nearly choked on my Beer Chang. I have been generous with through to him any more. her family but this request really caught me off guard. I said that Can you please help? I would think about it. Of course, I am not interested is being the Frustrated family banker and looking for a diplomatic way to say “No”. Its difficult to advise on this case. Sepa- Hate Rice ration is one possible option. If he won’t My advice is just say “No. You cannot afford it.” I think however, take your common sense advice, sug- you need to understand the real issue. gest you talk to your lawyers. They may In Thailand the extended family is important, regardless of have a financial solution. That generally whether you are Thai or a Westerner. Her family think you have works been shacked up with their daughter for three years and you are On the engineering side I am up to now an integral part of the family. From time to time, they will speed. A car stalling after being driven come to you for assistance. This is a fact of life here. a short distance can be caused by a So just tell him, that you would rather spend any spare cash you variety of faults with the engine. Start by might have, making a better life for his daughter, rather than checking that there is no debris in the investing in the agricultural infrastructure. Best of luck.

Banger Banter. April - June 2011 34 DHL Thailand 2011 Celebrity Rugby World Cup Dinner Featuring 3 Past RWC Internationals

Toutai Kefu Dan Luger M.B.E Frank Bunce 1999 RWC 1991, 1995 RWC 1999, 2003 RWC BOOK NOW: Be part of the RWC build up! Tickets Limited DATE: Friday June 24, 2011 Great Auction Items. VENUE: The Conrad Bangkok Hotel Including a rugby simulator to test your All Seasons Place, 87 Wireless Road skills LUMPINI, BANGKOK Hosted by: TIME: 7:00PM till late Justin ‘Sambo’ Sampson

Sumptuous 5 star Four Course Meal, with free flowing Heineken beer and five bottles of wine per table of 10. DRESS CODE: Club Blazer or semi-formal TICKETS: THB2,800 pp or THB28,000.00 table of 10. CONTACT: AHMED FAWZI—089 811 9683 or BRUCE HILL—081 754 3142 or [email protected] PROUDLY SPONSORED BY: