Bulk Rate US Postage PAED Permit No. 7 Lexington, VA m * Sm g-tum $In V o l u m e 9 8 , N u m b e r 6 6 6 W a s h in g t o n & Le e U n iv e r sit y A pril 1, 2 0 0 1 President Elrod tours with KISS By I.P. Freely hundred percent.” said Kiss guitarist. “He is a kick-a** bass player and a real Phi Staff W riter asset to the band.” President Elrod sent a letter, to the Elrod’s announcement, came as a Trustees last week informing them of major shock to the Trustees. “1 respect his leave of absence starting spring term his decision,” Gerry Lenfest said. “His ALL NUDE, ALL THE TIME: and lasting throughout 1997. reasons were solid and his motives were The W&L Art Department will be holding a porn exhibit, Details of the letter were leaked to clear. 1 think the University should Tuesday in duPont Auditorium. This is the first in a series of The Ring-tum Phi. In it, Elrod told the stand solidly behind President Elrod.” events the Art Department is planning in order to expand its trustees that he had to “follow his Also leaving the University will be horizons. Next week they will be presenting a series on dreams,” and went on to say, “this is an David Howison, who signed on after decorative taxidermy. opportunity that few collegiate Elrod asked him to be a Kiss presidents get. I think that it roadie. “I’m excited,” said LEYBURN HOSTS STORY TIME: will help the University’s ex­ Howison, “this is like all my Leyburn Library will be holding a special ‘read-aloud’ posure.” This evidently in­ childhood dreams come story time for kids six and under. The event will be held in cludes subbing in for Kiss bass true.” Northern Auditorium on Thursday. player Gene Simmons. Many other professors Some examples of the works which will be read include Elrod has been a long-time have stated they would like excerpts from novels by Stephen King, the Book of Revela­ friend of several Kiss mem­ to go on tour with Kiss as tion and poetry by Charles Manson. bers. Inthemid-1970’saKiss well, but their classes do not spokesperson said, “Our makeup and permit it. BRING YOUR OWN SACRIFICE: outfits are inspired after those actually “I would love to go out and groove worn by John Elrod.” with Kiss,” Lloyd Dobyns of the jour­ A symposium hosted by the English department will be Over the years, Elrod has written nalism department said. “Unfortu­ held in Lee Chapel at 5 p.m. Friday. The symposium entitled freelance songs for the band. His credits nately, I just don’t have time with my “Starting Your Own Cult: People Will Like Y ou,” will feature include “Lick it up,” “I Like it Loud,” classes and my techno band’s rigorous discussions on everything from demon summoning to recog­ and the smash hit “Rock ‘n’ Roll All funk practice sessions.” nizing your ride off the earth. For more information, contact Nite.” Elrod and Howison will join the band Satan via the Registrar. “It was a shame he left the band, but in Richmond on Wednesday. Mimi Elrod will join them in San Francisco. W&L WANTS YOUR GOAT: at his successes, we support him one Photo by Uh...I forget Due to the sudden breakdown of all Building and Ground’s lawn equipment, the University asks all students with grazing farm animals to bring them to the Hill on Friday to help graze W&L student goes Mexicano down the grass. Note: To protect your animal’s safety, all goats must be off y \ • , 'J‘f ’’ "V By Ricky Arnez the lawn by 5 p.m. as not to coincide with the cult symposium. P hi Staff W riter

OUTING CLUB SHOWS SKIN: Senior Steve Frame has given up his job search for To celebrate the opening of the Art Department’s porn after graduation. Although Frame has been offered exhibit, the W&L outing club will be hosting a nude party in management-track positions by several Fortune the Dell on Tuesday. Party goers are asked not to stare too 500 companies, he has decided to persue a career hard at President Elrod if he decides to attend. as a guitarist with a strolling mariachi band. Spring Term, Frame will intern at El Puerto Mexi­ JOIN DRUG SUPPORT GROUP: can Restaurant. “I’m really glad I’ll be able to spend Local area residents and W&L professors have teamed up [Spring Term] getting practical experience in my to try to teach drug awareness to the Rockbridge area commu­ field,” Frame said. “El Puerto actually has been very supportive of the arts since its ppening. For nity. The group Will^meet-on'Tuesday flights: ' am o b < ; i a while, they had a woman who would dance on GHO SERVES SPECIAL MEAL: the bar during the break between lunch and dinner.” After the cult symposium in Lee Chapel on Friday, the Beverly Lorig, director of the Career Develop­ GHQ Bistro 9000 X v0.9 Beta will be holding a special meal ment and Placement Office, helped arrange Frame’s for all attendees of the event. The menu will include roast internship. “This is another of our many success lamb, Rocky Mountain oysters and applesauce laced with stories. We’re really quite proud of Steve. We’re Phenobarbital. Shots of vodka will be Served for dessert. still exploring options for after graduation, but right now we’re thrilled with his internship. If DO YOU WANT TO DANCE: we can’t get anything solid by June, Steve is just Photo by Seymore Butts The music department at W&L will be sponsoring a class going to go to Tiajuana and see what he can on how to dance the Lambada. The unique aspect of this event find.” In another decisive move, is attendees will be taught the dance uSing inflatable turtles. Frame's musical career is a success story. He got the Lex P.D. made another Classes will be held on Thursday and Friday. For more Photo by Cheech and Chong his start entertaining people during the Mr. W&L information, please contact the music department. contest in 1994. He has high hopes for the huge bust which turned up mariachi band and hopes to eventually become a whole lot of crack. PSYCHIC TO SPEAK IN CHAPEL: the most well known mariachi player in all the On Saturday, three psychics from the highest peaks of Play that funky music white boy. world. Tibet will speak in Lee Chapel. The talk, entitled “What Your Dead Relatives Say Behind Your Back,” will cost $3.50 for the first minute and $1.50 for each additional minute. Easter Bunny captured by locals B ig M outh For more information, concentrate and they will Apparently, the Easter Bunny was making his Easter contact you. By Santa Claus rounds, stealing all of the children’s eggs in the area' in order P hi Staff W riter to make a giant omelet when local hunters caught sight of gets beaten WE HATE YOU, TOO: him. Do you think no one likes you? Do ypu feel like you are the The most wanted criminal since Charles Manson was “I wasoutlookingfordeerto kill and decapitate forawall- By The Instigator and The B all Boy least popular person on the Hill? Well] you’re right. captured thismomingatapproximately5:30a.m. The Easter hanging, when I caught sight of his ugly yellow hide.” Bunny, wanted in all 50 states, was shot 43 times by local area Rockenheimer said. “He was standing with his back to me. P hi Staff W riters BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH: hunters’ tranquilizer guns. I think he was relieving himself.” Blah blah blah, ba blah ba ba blah. Blah blah, blah ba-blah “He went down like a 80 pound bag of manure,” Keith Rockenheimer went on to explain he quickly loaded Freshman Kevin McManemin, who in last week’s Phi suggested fraternities “create new methods of ba blah blah blah; blah ba blah. Ba blah tilah blah, blah ba blah R. Rockenheimer, a Lexington resident, said. some tranquilizer darts into his rifle and opened fire. socially acceptable torture” for their pledges, is now blah blah blah blah. “It was great!” The Bunny, who has been sought after by the police, the “When all my buddies heard me shooting, they all started eating his words. national guard and all four divisions of the armed forces, was firing too. We were lucky that they were shooting tranqs too It seems the brothers of the house McManemin wanted forbreakingand entering, kidnapping, libel, slander, or that big Bunny would be full of holes instead of full of pledged have taken him up on his offer. LastFriday, — Compiled by Yo’ Momma drunk in public, indecent exposure, petty larceny, bad taste, dope,” Rockenheimer said. McManemin was taken to Schenectady, New York’s terrible body odor and the murder of the Energizer Bunny, The Easter Bunny was taken to the Lexington Police infamous red-light district. Upon arrival, McManemin reports, he was forced who was found battery-less last Friday, his drum tom from Department where he was booked and thrown into the drunk to drink horse semen. “It really is a lot like Pabst and his mangy pink hide. tank to sleep off the tranquilizers. Natty Light,” McManemin said. “ I was just making that up when I wrote it in my column.” McManemin was paddled, forced to define and use the word “delineate” in a sentence, figure out the meaning of life, change his socks and make passes a* inanimate, objects. McManemin was hit with a brick the size of a ham, a ham the size of a brick, the BBC’s Mr. Bean Our opinion is that you suck. Your hair cut is ugly, you (actually, Mr. Bean was unavailable, but a very have terrible BO and you have a really fat butt. Your good imitator stepped in) and a ham the size of Mr. Bean. mother must have been Dr. Ruth. While he was being pummeled, McManemin was forced to chant the Greek alphabet, “Ohm, shanti shanti,” “We are the knights who say NI!” ► FEATURES and “Hello Mudda/Hello Fadda/Here I am at/Camp Grenada.” Dr. Ruth speaks in When all of the torture and chanting was over, tongues and then the brothers and McManemin returned to Lexing­ shaves her head. Squir­ ton, where McManemin was welcomed into the full brotherhood and given a pack of gum and a coupon rels attack! Dastardly book. Dave reviews the finest McManemin says of his experience in Schenectady, “1 never knew Schenectady really had in porn. “They're all four a red light district. Now that I’ve been there, I have stars!” Dave says. It is to say that with the right advertising, Schenectady the dawning of the age could give Amsterdam a run for its money.” “It’s really good to be in a fraternity with a sense of Aquarius. of humor about initiation rituals,” McManemin said, “but I wonder if I shouldn’t have joined one of Photo by The l ooth La try NEXT ISSUE: those fraternities that just beats you for an hour.” The Ring-tum Phi speaks to the dead. 'he men who shot the Easter Bunny look at their prisoner. T h e D a w n in g o f T h e A g e o f A q u a r iu s w & life G u e s s t h e p a g e n u m b e r , w in a p r i z e PledgeTazer ffM M lf Hell Week fraternity house mother

By Antonio Banderas Commenting on the apparent popu- PledgeTazer offers new responsibili­ Department, realizing the arrested for public nudity P h i U nicycle Repairman larity of the product, ties. PledgeTazer’s usefulness, has placed Youonthehead­ “We are tightening our restric­ an order with Tazer, Inc. By Dionne W arwick azer, Inc. has supplied W&L fra witharock said, “We’re not exactly sure what we’ll tions on fraternities to avoid abuse P h i Psychic Correspondent temities with a new toy for Hell “Who would of the PledgeTazer,” Mazzarelli use them for,” Officer B. Week. want to use a said. “However, we recognize that Eatyouwithmynightstick said. “But TThe PledgeTazer appeared at Wash­ paddle when Delta Tau Chi’s housemother Emerald Flame displayed her true we can’t watch fraternities all we’re getting sort of tired of our three­ ington and Lee last week. The inven­ they can fulfill the time, so brothers will basi­ wheeled parking enforcement thing, talents to the brothers Friday night. Known as the “most limber” house­ tion, which promises to “outperform their sadistic cally be able to do whatever and we need something new to play mother on campus, Flame proved her talents true and upheld her reputation. any boring old paddle,” is designed to fantasies on they want most of the time, no with.” When Washington and Lee security entered the basement of DTC give fraternity pledges a shock of elec­ unsuspecting matter how many rules we Letters from concerned parents of hoping to find illegal pledge hazing, they instead found Flame involved in another form of fraternal bonding. tricity when it comes into contact with boys with thou­ make.” freshmen have begun to arrive in a pledge posterior. sands of watts of “I think the whole thi ng’s absurd,” Washington Hall. She was involved in questionable acts. She has been known to have a history of such activity” was all that Director of Security Mike Young A spokesman for Tazer, Inc., ap­ Tazer Power?” Professor Holt Merchant, Professor “Naturally, parents are concerned would say. peared at W&L last Thursday. “On behalf of the of History, said. “Students already that their children are going to be “Tazer, Inc., feels that the fra- Interfraternity Council, come to my classes drunk. Now harmed as a result of the use of this Flame has been arrested previously for indecent exposure after frolick­ tefnity system offers a large po­ I would like to extend our they’re going to be armed, too. device,” President Elrod said. “And ing nude on the front lawn of W&L. “She really added to the picturesque landscaping,” Senior Richard Nutz said. tential for sales,” Pat thanks to Tazer, Inc.,” IFC In my personal opinion, it’s their concerns are justified. Freshmen “I like to sunbathe nude, and those nasty bathing suit line are really Youontheheadwitharock said. “It President Anthony not good to combine alcohol get hurt here.” is the belief of Tazer, Inc., that Mazzarelli said. “We feel that and hand-held weapons.” For a while, at least, the PledgeTazer annoying,” Flame said when asked why she was clothed in such a fashion. the violent act of hazing and those this is just the sort of kick in the The popularity of the will be prevalent on campus. “Emerald is a very talented woman and does a lot for the fraternity,” who participate in it can benefit pants the fraternity system needs, device on campus “I just love this thing,” Joe Hardon, President John W. Elrod said when asked why she was kept on after her arrest. from the use of our product. We no pun intended.” seems to have carried a brother at a W&L fraternity, said. Flame was escorted to Lexington City Jail where she is under the are making every effort to extend Mazzarelli acknowledges that over to the commu­ “Sometimes I even use it on myself. personal custody of Police Chief W. F. Smith. She has not been charged. fraternity brothers our support.” along with new pleasures, nity. The Lexington Police It’s hard as hell to paint, though.” Rita Fitz, a neighbor of the fraternity house, claims that Flame comes and goes at rather strange times and “much too frequently in my opinion.” Other neighbors state that Flame is known to frequent one house more than any other— that of Police Chief Smith. Before moving to Lexington, Flame lived in Amsterdam and Las Leyburn Library razed for sake of esthetics Vegas where she says she was finishing her education. “Everyone here in Lexington is so nice to me,” Flame said, “My boys By Hong Kong Fuey parking garage, a student are the best.” P h i #1 Superguy union, a movie theater, an ice Questions have arisen as to whether Flame will keep her job. “She is skating rink, four sorority a very caring housemother, and she’s hot,” Elrod said. houses, a GNC supercenter Flame has been in counseling for repressed sexuality and states that she Rarely has destruction and a library. feels that she is getting better. been such a cause for celebra­ The new hyper-library is “I have so much support from the boys,” Flame said, “They want to see tion. being funded by a donation me get better and are willing to help in any way that they can.” The recent destruction of left to the university by a Smith refused to comment saying that he felt that he did not know Leyburn Library, considered wealthy Texan alum. enough about the situation. Flame feels she will receive the best treatment long overdue by many in the ‘Thank God for Texas,” while in Smith’s care. Washington and Lee commu­ Elrod said. “Because of the The brothers of DTC feel that Flame is the best housemother they have nity, rid the university of one alum’s donation, we won’t ever had. of its greatest blights. The have to worry about what to “She won’t let us want for anything,” Tim said, “She will bend over day was a cause for campus- name the hyper-library, un­ backwards to make us happy.” wide celebration. like that [expletive] science “ We ’ ve been planning this building.” for months,” President “John University administration John” Elrod said. After a fare­ has begun to work with the well speech, in which Elrod architect in charge of design­ promised a more aesthetically ing the new building to en­ pleasing future, a small ther­ sure that Leyburn Library’s Photo by Bootsy Collins (actually, the mothership gave it to him) monuclear warhead was deto­ replacement will fit in with Nice rod, Dick: nated in sub level three of the the rest of campus. library, leveling the building “Columns: it has to have Dick Grefe, Senior Reference Librarian, stands triumphantly over the and drawing applause from lots and lots of columns,” remains of Leyburn Library. The buffing's demise was celebrated by all, as the throng of people who had Elrod said. was Grefe’s Viking costume, which he referred to fon d ly as “W anda.” come to see the building’s Before it was destroyed, The new hyper-library will from the library.” concerned about the loss of demise. The event was fol­ certain essentials were re­ be more geared toward the Grefe promises that the one of the campus’ buildings. lowed by a concert featuring moved from Leyburn Library student and their needs. new library will not stand “The whole thing was slip­ : Elrod’s latest band, Kiss. and retailed so that they could “All of the fishbowls will tallerthan the statue of George ping into the Dell anyway,” (Please see the News page for be installed in the new library. be outfitted with condom Washington. Grefe said. “Besides, it was more information.) “We kept those boss or­ machines anft sliding covers “We’ve eliminated a lot of ugly. Between you and me, I Leyburn Library will be ange chairs,” Dick Grefe, Se­ for the windows on the doors need for space by throwing hear that the Woods Creek replaced with a new structure nior Reference Librarian, so that students will better be away books and things that Apartments will be the next which will embody some of said. “The students seem to able to, um, study,” Grefe said. no one ever uses,” Grefe said. to go.” the administration’s plans for love those. We also kept all “Also, we will install special “We got rid of all our texts on The new library should be ; future building projects. The our microfiche terminals be­ red light phones linked di­ British naval poetry. I never completed some time after ' new “hyper-library,” as it is cause thejy remind me of in­ rectly to professors’ offices to read that crap: I don’t know you graduate, because that’s ■ already being called by many struments I see on ‘Star allow students to call and why anyone else would.” the way these things always ’ on campus, will include: a Trek.’” plead for extensions right Grefe does not seem too work.

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B y R a s p u t i n b|y the time I had my third ‘Volcano,’ have anything to eat then because pus will be happy to see them go. P h i D anger Specialist I didn’t even know where I was.” Food Services will make our Food “If they don’t leave soon, I’m An official NASA spokesman, vis­ Debit accounts disappear like Tom going to have to tow them all,” Students who go to the front lawn iting the campus to observe the be­ Arnold’s career, never to be seen Banersaid. “And right after that, Photo courtesy of Larry Flynt to “study” while they soak up the sun havior of the Earth Mounds, com­ again.” I’m going to go get a real hair­ Fly like a beagle: will find some old friends waiting for mented on the significance of the At least some people on cam­ cut.” them. Earth Mounds’ return. Emerald Flame, Delta Tau Chi’s multi-talented The Earth Mounds, following their “What’s really incredible is that housemother, displays the flexibility which has made her interstellar travel to the far reaches of they all returned to exactly the same a favorite in the house. outer space, have returned to campus place,” Guy Withallyourtaxes said. and reseated themselves in front of “These Earth Mounds had as much of Tucker Hall. Their visit has sparked a! chance of returning to the same interest both on campus and in the exact spots from which they left as scientific community. Bob Dole had of getting elected, Having left without explaining the \yhich was not a very good chance at W&L campus switches purpose for their trip, the Earth all.” Mounds claim they had a good rea­ Representing the administration son to go. o|f Washington and Lee University, from Pepsi to Coke “We needed dates for FD,” Head • President John Elrod expressed his Earth Mound said. “Sure, there are pleasure over the return of the Earth By the Canadian Pirate plenty of attractive, intelligent, fun Mounds. P h i “Eh” Expert female Earth Mounds around here, “I am always glad when mem­ but let’s just say there are certain bers of another culture come to The event that's been more greatly anticipated than the return of ‘advantages’ to taking an Earth our fine university,” Elrod said, "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan has finally arrived— Washington and Lee Mound from off campus, if you know “l know the student body here is University has moved into the twentieth century by switching to Coca- what I mean. apout as culturally diverse as the Cola. “Besides, if the female Earth faculty.” Products bearing the Coca-Cola trademark will be available across Mounds want dates, they can find The Earth Mounds are pleased campus starting today. Students will no longer have to brave the dangerous plenty of physically-fit, well-man­ with the interest they have gener­ path which leads to the back of the science building construction site, or the nered Earth Mounds over at Earth ated. far more dangerous path which leads to Reid Hall to find their beverage of Mound Military Institute who will “We’re hoping that they’ll choice. probably behave far more like gentle­ nhme the new science building Taking a break from his busy touring schedule with the hit rock group men than we ever would,” Head Earth after us,” Head Earth Mound said. KISS, President "John John" Elrod commented on the University's deci­ Mound said. “I think ‘The Big Earth Mound’ sion. Unfortunately, the Earth Mounds would make a lovely name for a "Why do you think we have so many deans, anyway?" Elrod said. "We were detained in their travels, return­ building.” get paid to make this sort of command decision." ing too late to attend FD. Unfortunately, the Earth Responding to opposition to the change, Elrod claimed that the two “We stopped at a Chinese restau­ Mounds’ visit will not last for Photo courtesy of Mork from Ork beverages are very much alike and that fans of one beverage should at least rant outside of Sector 7,” Head Earth long. I smell, and my socks don’t match: sample the other. Mound said. “They serve drinks to “We’ll have to leave by the end Professor George Bent shows off his big, metal, gas- "Coke and Pspsi are like Lexington cousins," Elrod said. "Only their just about anyone there. We would of the semester,” the Earth powered tool. And he can’t play piano, either. mamas can tell them apart." have came back in time for FD, but Mounds explained. “We won’t