THE LIES WE HOLD MONICA L. MORGAN Bachelor of Arts In

THE LIES WE HOLD

MONICA L. MORGAN

Bachelor of Arts in English

Cleveland State University

December 2011

submitted in partial fulfillment of requirements for the degree

MASTER OF FINE ARTS IN CREATIVE WRITING

at the

NORTHEAST OHIO MFA

and

CLEVELAND STATE UNIVERSITY

May 2015

We hereby approve this thesis For

Monica L Morgan

Candidate for the Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing degree

Department of

English, the Northeast Ohio MFA Program

and

CLEVELAND STATE UNIVERSITY'S

College of Graduate Studies by

Michael J. Geither

Department & Date

Imad Rahman

Department & Date

Mary Biddinger

Department & Date

April 22, 2015 Student's Date of Defense THE LIES WE HOLD

MONICA L MORGAN

ABSTRACT

Societal inhabitants wear many masks – the parent, the child, the friend, the lover. Without question, professional disguises are an acceptable accessory. Livelihoods are lost if the competent façade is allowed to slip. Likewise, the true self hides from friends and family. Fear of rejection or judgment from loved ones drastically prohibits revealing an unfiltered identity. Ironically, acceptance and denial are in constant battle within the self. The conundrum exists when an individual tries to hide from what is true. The self is inescapable. There is no safe hiding place.

"The Lies We Hold" was originally an aim to discover how completely baring the self may change relationships. How would the behavior of family and friends differ? The manifestation of life changing events, from keeping habitual masks in place, became the plays focus. The involuntary removal of masks produced the unraveling of intimate relationships and unavoidable outcomes. The narrator, in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, says it best: "No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."

Inclusion of issues such as schizophrenia, incest, sexual identity, and murder brought about a dark tone. Fortunately, a balance of humor keeps that dark place at bay. This humor does not overshadow the resounding issue at hand, but grants the audience permission to look within and question their secrets and denials. Although the truth can hurt, it can also be freeing. The consequences to facing and sharing the true self must outweigh horrific outcomes from hiding behind masks.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page ABSTRACT...... iv

I. THE LIES WE HOLD – TITLE PAGE

II. CHARACTERS / SET...... vii

III. ACT I

1.1 Scene One...... 1

1.2 Scene Two...... 23

1.3 Scene Three...... 31

1.4 Scene Four...... 35

IV. ACT II

2.1 Scene Five...... 46

2.2 Scene Six...... 46

2.3 Scene Seven...... 54

2.4 Scene Eight...... 58

2.5 Scene Nine...... 62

THE LIES WE HOLD

CHARACTERS

SERENITY: a very shy, plain looking woman in her mid-twenties. An abusive childhood is the catalyst to her schizophrenia.

DAMON: a product of SERENITY'S psychosis. NOTE: 'his' lines should be pre-recorded by the actor playing SERENITY. She should speak in a huskier voice. There should be little distinction between the two, but enough to discern a difference.

NARCISSA: an impeccably dressed, self-centered woman in her mid-twenties. Her materialism is a product of her father's attempt to veil their incestuous relationship.

PHIL LANDER: a closeted bi-sexual male in his early thirties; is dating NARCISSA. His extreme womanizing conceals a deep denial of his true sexuality.

STICKLER: an early thirties male with obsessive-compulsive disorder; is dating SERENITY.

SET

The stage should be a split set. SERENITY'S bedroom is on one side of the stage. There is a bed, closet, and dresser. It is a very messy room with clothes, dirty dishes, empty snack bags, and old newspapers strewn everywhere. There is a pill bottle (prescription label removed) on the dresser, along with miscellaneous other things. STICKLER'S living room is on the other side of the stage. It is immaculately clean with a couch, coffee table, and recliner down-stage. A fully stocked, portable bar and a coat rack are up-stage. A desk and chair are either house left or right.

vii

THE LIES WE HOLD

ACT 1

Scene One

Set: SERENITY'S bedroom.

At rise: SERENITY is rifling through the closet, drawers, and piles of clothes on the floor in search of something to wear. NARCISSA is sitting on the bed, checking her makeup in a compact.

NARCISSA: Are you excited?

SERENITY: Kinda.

NARCISSA: Kinda? Serenity, this is a great opportunity!

SERENITY: It's just an interview, Narcissa. It's nothing definite.

(SERENITY pulls out an article of clothing, shows it to NARCISSA who shakes her head, no. SERENITY resumes the search)

SERENITY: I appreciate your dad giving me a reference.

NARCISSA: Of course. Daddy always does what I ask.

SERENITY: Always?

NARCISSA: Well, within reason of course. Mother says I have him wrapped around my little finger. I think she's jealous.

SERENITY: Why would she be jealous of you?

NARCISSA: Why is anyone jealous of me?

SERENITY: I just hope I don't make a fool out of myself. You know, say the wrong thing. Or sit there dumbfounded.

NARCISSA: That would look bad for Daddy. You definitely shouldn't wear black. It washes you out.

SERENITY: I still don't understand why I just couldn't intern at your dad's practice.

NARCISSA: Because I'm interning there.

SERENITY: Is there some kind of intern limit?

NARCISSA: No silly, but we can't have Daddy's attention torn between the two of us. Now can we?

SERENITY: I'm sure there's plenty for both of us to do. It would be fun to work together.

NARCISSA: I know, but it's just not a good idea.

SERENITY: Why not?

NARCISSA: Serenity, how can Daddy concentrate his energies on me while you sulk around the office like a lost puppy? Besides, Daddy's practice is too high profile, too stressful. It's best you get your feet wet in a more appropriate atmosphere. Somewhere more your speed . . . . more, how can I put this . . . . mundane.

SERENITY: You really should look into developing some filters, Narcissa.

NARCISSA: You always know where I'm coming from . . . . a place of love.

SERENITY: Humph.

(SERENITY pulls out another article of clothing, showing it to NARCISSA)

SERENITY: How 'bout this?

NARCISSA: Uh . . . no.

SERENITY: What's wrong with it?

NARCISSA: It's more like what's right with it. Did you get that from some Amish woman's closet?

SERENITY: Goodwill.

NARCISSA: Ewww!

SERENITY: You can find some good deals there. They even have the designer stuff you like.

NARCISSA: Oh honey, I don't wear hand-me-downs.

SERENITY: Maybe I should just cancel. Or reschedule.

NARCISSA: Don't be silly, Serenity. Besides, Daddy put in a good word. How would that look?

SERENITY: I just . . . maybe I could call your dad and ask him about working with you.

NARCISSA: Don't be ridiculous. It's all set. You'll be fine, as soon as we find you something half way decent to wear. First impressions are important.

Lights down on SERENITY'S bedroom. Lights up on STICKLER'S living room. There are a deck of cards and two coasters on the coffee table. STICKLER is mixing two drinks at the portable bar. PHIL speaks from offstage.

PHIL (O.S.): Man, I'm tellin' ya. I had her screamin' for Jesus last night.

STICKLER: (laughs) Yeah?

PHIL (O.S.): Oh yeah. That girl can't get enough of me.

STICKER: What's this one's name again?

PHIL (O.S.): Narcissa.

(PHIL enters and places a bowl of snacks and napkins on the coffee table. He sits on the couch. STICKLER places the drinks on the coasters, then sits, eyeing the bowls. PHIL waits. After a brief pause, STICKLER rearranges the items on the table several times. PHIL shakes his head)

STICKLER: So, how long will this one last, you think?

PHIL: Phil Lander does not do timetables. My trysts are on a more, organic level.

STICKLER: Organic trysts, huh?

PHIL: Yeah, been working on my symbolism, metaphors, similes. This one's a reader.

STICKLER: Why put so much time into it? She a keeper?

PHIL: I don't know about a keeper, but she's definitely different. Like, she needs me. I kinda like that.

STICKLER: I don't know, Phil. Seems like you're only heading for trouble.

PHIL: Phil Lander laughs at trouble. Ha, Ha!

(PHIL slaps his cards on the table)

PHIL: Read 'em and weep. Royal flush.

(STICKLER sighs, shuffles, then deals the cards)

Lights down on living room. Lights up on bedroom. SERENITY offers up a black dress, which is obviously too small.

SERENITY: This is sorta cute.

NARCISSA: It's sorta small. And it's black. Does it even fit?

SERENITY: When I'm dieting, it does.

NARCISSA: Dieting? Please, you are the last person who needs to diet. Now me on the other hand...

SERENITY: You've got a great body.

NARCISSA: Yeah, you're right. But I'm thinking about getting some work done anyway.

SERENITY: Why?

(SERENITY holds up another black dress, this one is extremely too big)

SERENITY: How 'bout this?

NARCISSA: Maybe my nose. Is that for your pet elephant to wear?

SERENITY: (laughs) No, it's for after I fall off my diet.

NARCISSA: Ugh Serenity, I wish you would just wear something of mine.

SERENITY: I'd probably spill something on it.

NARCISSA: Then don't eat . . . . or drink. I don't know why you insist on dressing the way you do. I would kill for your body.

(SERENITY finally gives up the search and sits on the floor. NARCISSA walks down-stage. Facing the audience, she pantomimes looking at herself in a full-length mirror)

NARCISSA: So . . . . lipo? Maybe on the thighs . . . whaddya think?

SERENITY: Why?

NARCISSA: Phil thinks I'm fat.

SERENITY: He said that?

NARCISSA: No, but I can tell . . . sometimes . . . like last night at dinner. He . . .

SERENITY: What?

NARCISSA: Nothing.

SERENITY: What did he do?

NARCISSA: He . . . looked at me.

SERENITY: He looked at you?

NARCISSA: Yeah, he looked at me.

SERENITY: Oh God! I hate when I'm having dinner with someone and they have the gall to look at me.

NARCISSA: No, it was the way he looked at me. At my mouth. At the food going into my mouth. It was if he was saying, 'Don't eat another bite, you cow'.

SERENITY: I'm sure you're exaggerating.

Lights down on bedroom. Lights up on living room. He and PHIL are playing cards.

PHIL: So what's up with you and, uh, what's her name.

STICKLER: Serenity. Things are ok.

PHIL: Just ok? Is there a problem in paradise?

STICKLER: Nah, in fact I'm thinking about asking her to move in.

PHIL: Whoa! Slow down. Why would you wanna do that?

STICKLER: I don't know, seems like the next step.

(STICKLER leans over and straightens PHIL'S stack of face-downed cards. PHIL raises a questioning look at this gesture)

STICKLER: Just not sure how to bring it up.

PHIL: (exaggerated concern) Stickler, Is this Serena chick pressuring you?

STICKLER: Serenity. And no, she's never brought it up.

PHIL: Then why rock the boat? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

STICKLER: I like it when she's here. Place feels sorta empty when she's gone.

PHIL: Get a dog.

STICKLER: It's just a thought man.

PHIL: Well, before you put that thought into action, you need to look at what you'll be giving up.

STICKLER: Such as.

PHIL: Such as your freedom, for one. How long you been dating, anyway?

STICKLER: A few months.

PHIL: Too soon. Besides, I haven't even met her yet.

STICKLER: Didn't know I needed your approval, Phil.

PHIL: Don't want you making any stupid mistakes. Dude, if you let your girl move in, might as well put an order in for some shackles. Clank, clank.

STICKLER: That's a little extreme don't you think.

PHIL: Stickler, man, there are too many ladies out here to even think about settling.

STICKLER: Don't you get tired of changing out women all the time?

PHIL: Honestly, sure, every now and then I might think about settling down. Playing the game can get old sometimes. But I really don't think settling down is in Phil Lander's DNA.

STICKLER: What about Narcissa? You just said she's different.

PHIL: I don't know man. She's cool. Spoiled rotten, but that doesn't bother me. I like to spoil my women any way. She is . . . different.

(PHIL goes over to the bar to refresh his drink. He makes it very obvious that he does not place the items he uses back in their original spots)

STICKLER: Different how?

PHIL: She's tough. Stands up to me, which gets my blood boiling. Makes me wanna grab her by her hair and get all caveman on her. Ya know?

(PHIL sits back down on the couch. After a brief pause, STICKLER straightens up the bar. When STICKLER turns back towards the couch, PHIL is glaring at him)

PHIL: Dude.

(STICKLER shrugs his shoulders and returns to the table)

Lights down on living room -- lights up on bedroom (referred to as "set switch" from this point on). NARCISSA walks over to SERENITY, grabs her hands, helps her to stand up, and begins walking slowing around her in a circle.

NARCISSA: Hmm . . .I think you should wear an A-line skirt. Your body type screams A-line.

SERENITY: A-line's are too restrictive.

NARCISSA: Looking good has nothing to do with comfort, and everything to do with what others see when they look at you.

SERENITY: Maybe I don't care what others see.

NARCISSA: Oh, honey. How are you wearing your hair?

SERENITY: Like this?

NARCISSA: I think not. Please tell me you have makeup.

SERENITY: What's wrong with my hair? And my face?

NARCISSA: Nothing, if you just want to blend in. You always wear these lifeless, drab clothes. You need some color in your life, Serenity. Some mascara.

SERENITY: I'm happy with the way I look.

NARCISSA: I think you should wear your hair up.

SERENITY: Narcissa did you hear what I said?

NARCISSA: Yes, you're happy. But everyone could use a tweak every once in awhile.

SERENITY: Even you?

NARCISSA: Me? Ehh.

(NARCISSA walks down-stage to the mirror and leans in)

NARCISSA: Well, maybe a little collagen. Can you see laugh lines?

SERENITY: You're perfect.

NARCISSA: You're right.

Set switch.

PHIL: Anyway, I like that she stands up to me.

STICKLER: How so?

PHIL: Couple of months ago, we're in bed, after I rocked her world . . .

STICKLER: Save me the details.

PHIL: . . . and my phone rings. It's another chick, of course, and I try to play it off. Well, she ain't buying it. She tells me that she doesn't share and if I don't get rid of my other bitches, her words not mine, she's walking.

STICKLER: You've had ultimatums before.

PHIL: True, but when I told her that nobody tells Phil Lander who he can and cannot see, she calmly got up, got dressed, and walked out the door. Never spoke a word.

STICKLER: What's with the third-person, Phil?

PHIL: Trying something new. Is it working?

STICKLER: Not even a little bit.

Set switch.

NARCISSA: So, after the interview, wanna meet for lunch?

SERENITY: Stickler wants to get together.

(SERENITY grabs a garment off the floor)

SERENITY: Maybe this purple outfit. It's got color.

NARCISSA: That's a knit dress.

SERENITY: So.

NARCISSA: It's the middle of August, Serenity. You'll sweat like a pig. So, how are things with you and Stick, anyway?

SERENITY: Don't call him that. Things are good. He's surprisingly different from other guys.

NARCISSA: What other guys?

SERENITY: I've dated other men, Narcissa.

NARCISSA: Giving the bum that hangs out at BP a couple of bucks to pump your gas is not dating.

SERENITY: Pete's a good guy, just down on his luck. Besides, what about Parker and Greg?

NARCISSA: Parker only came around when there was a psych paper due. And Greg's love of free coffee got you fired from The Coffee Bar. Face it Seren, users see you coming.

SERENITY: There was more to it than that.

NARCISSA: Right. What's this Stickler's angle, anyway?

SERENITY: There is no angle. Like I said, he's different.

NARCISSA: Ok. How's he so different?

SERENITY: He's a gentleman. He opens doors for me, helps me with my coat, stands when I leave the table, lights my cigarettes . . . .

NARCISSA: Whoa, wait, you don't smoke.

SERENITY: Well, he would if I did. He even protects me from traffic.

NARCISSA: What?

SERENITY: Yeah, he walks on the side of the curb closest to the street.

NARCISSA: Chivalry. What is he, like fifty or something?

SERENITY: (laughs) Thirty.

NARCISSA: And he's ok with this chaos you live in?

SERENITY: He's never been over.

NARCISSA: Seren, you've been dating for a couple of months now, and he's never been here?

SERENITY: His place is more comfortable.

NARCISSA: I bet.

SERENITY: And I'm sure he wouldn't freak out. He's very understanding, and affectionate. He really listens when I talk.

NARCISSA: Well, it seems you really hit the jackpot. If you like that kind of stuff.

SERENITY: Wouldn't you want a man like that?

NARCISSA: Sure, if I was the needy type.

(SERENITY looks at NARCISSA as if she can't believe she just said that)

NARCISSA: Sorry.

Set switch.

STICKLER: And I find it hard to believe no other woman has ever walked out on you.

PHIL: You wound me, Stickler.

STICKLER: Come on, you are not the most compassionate man in the world. So far, I don't see how she's any different.

PHIL: She wouldn't take my calls. For three weeks, I left message after message. Sent gifts. Pulled out all the stops. Finally, when I was about to give up, she calls me back.

(PHIL takes a sip of his drink and concentrates on his cards)

STICKLER: And?

(STICKLER brushes away imaginary crumbs off the table on to a napkin)

PHIL: What are you doing?

STICKLER: Brushing off the crumbs.

PHIL: Dude.

Set switch.

SERENITY: So what about Phil?

NARCISSA: What about him?

SERENITY: You never talk about him. What's he like?

NARCISSA: Well, he's got two arms, two legs . . . .

SERENITY: Narcissa.

NARCISSA: . . . . a penis, . . . .

SERENITY: (sarcastically) Really?

NARCISSA: . . . . a huge penis . . . .

SERENITY: . . . . Nar/

NARCISSA: /I mean Seren, you should see it! When he whipped it out the first time, I was like, 'whoa, where you think you going with that thing?'. Just imagine, this huge schlong coming at you at warp speed. It was –

(SERENITY covers NARCISSA'S mouth with her hand)

Set switch.

STICKLER: Finish the story.

PHIL: Where was I?

STICKLER: She finally called you back.

PHIL: Right. Then she springs another ultimatum. I tell her I won't see other women. You'd think that would be the end of it. I can be real convincing. She's says ok. I think I'm free and clear. Then she says . . . ready for this . . . she wants to be in the room while I call them up and break it off. Wants me to put it on speaker so she can hear.

STICKLER: Damn, she's ballsy.

PHIL: Hell, yeah.

STICKLER: So what did you do?

PHIL: I gave in.

STICKLER: What?

PHIL: Yeah.

STICKLER: Why?

PHIL: She reminded me about this thing she can do with her tongue . . .

STICKLER: T.M.I.

PHIL: Chick's got talent.

(They laugh)

Set switch.

SERENITY: When can I meet him?

NARCISSA: Uh, I don't know. He might be busy. He's a busy man.

SERENITY: You're usually not this secretive about your conquests.

NARCISSA: My conquests?

SERENITY: God Narcissa, you hardly hang on to a guy for more than a month. You chew 'em up and spit 'em out like old gum.

NARCISSA: It's not my fault these losers can't measure up to what I want.

SERENITY: What is it that you want?

NARCISSA: A yank-my-hair-spank-my-ass-tie-me-to-the-bed-make-me-call-him- daddy kind of guy. You know, a man's man.

SERENITY: Filters, Narcissa.

NARCISSA: And he has to buy me things too.

SERENITY: You're hopeless.

NARCISSA: Yes Serenity, much like this wardrobe of yours.

Set switch.

STICKLER: So she made you get rid of your harem. Every woman wants to be the only one. There's got to be more to it than that.

PHIL: Like I said man, she needs me. I mean she's got one fucked up family dynamic. Her mom thinks she's in competition with her own daughter. Dresses entirely too young for her age. Says if I'd met her first, Narcissa wouldn't have had a chance. Dude, I do not do cougar. It's crazy.

STICKLER: Sounds like it. What about the dad, he around?

PHIL: Oh yeah, he's around all right. Sticks, man, if I didn't know better . . . .

(STICKLER looks up from his cards as PHIL hesitates)

STICKLER: What? You think?/

PHIL: /I don't know, it just seems weird. You know? The way he looks at her sometimes. The way she morphs into this helpless little thing. I mean, dude, she's a brassy chick, but around her dad . . . . I don't know. It's just weird. I'm thinking Narcissa needs a distraction, and Phil Lander is perfect for the job.

STICKLER: Hmm . . . You're growing an empathy bone. I can't believe it.

PHIL: Whatever, dude. Anyhow, I'll play this out, get my fill, and move on to the next when I get bored. Saved all the numbers on my memory card.

(PHIL slams down his cards)

PHIL: Gin!

(STICKLER sighs, shuffles, and deals)

Set switch. NARCISSA takes one last look around the room.

NARCISSA: We're getting nowhere in this mess. Lucky for you, I anticipated this and brought some things from home that are much more appropriate. I'll just be a sec.

(NARCISSA exits)

DAMON: She's trying to change you.

SERENITY: She means well, and is only looking out for me.

DAMON: That's my job!

SERENITY: Damon.

DAMON: I protect you. I always have and I always will. You're ashamed.

SERENITY: Don't you think I have reason to be?

DAMON: We did what we had to do.

SERENITY: Ok, ok, just go.

DAMON: You're not a strong person, your parents made sure of that.

SERENITY: Damon, please just go away.

DAMON: It's useless, you know, lying to yourself.

SERENITY: Narcissa will be back any minute.

(SERENITY picks up the pill bottle off the dresser)

DAMON: Tell me you'll stop taking those pills.

SERENITY: Damon, please.

DAMON: That you will always need me.

SERENITY: Damon, I'm begging you.

DAMON: Say it!

(SERENITY jumps)

DAMON: Say it, and I'll go.

(SERENITY looks down at the floor in defeat)

DAMON: Say it, Serenity.

SERENITY: I will always need you, Damon.

DAMON: Good girl.

(NARCISSA returns. She's holding a garment bag and a makeup case. SERENITY pockets the pill bottle quickly. NARCISSA begins placing clothes on the bed)

NARCISSA: Who were you talking to?

Set switch.

STICKLER: Hey. You remember Donovan Ramsey?

PHIL: (definitely lying) Who?

STICKLER: Donovan Ramsey. You remember, from high school. Linebacker.

PHIL: Snuck a herd of goats into the gym for senior prank.

STICKLER: (laughs) Yeah.

PHIL: What about him?

STICKLER: Ran into him the other day.

PHIL: And?

STICKLER: He's a pharmacist now. Got twin girls. One's got Cerebral Palsy. Going through a bad divorce, and a bankruptcy. Wife's living in their five

bedroom colonial with the girls, while he's in a studio apartment above a dry cleaner. Wife's really shitting on him, big time. I bet he's stealing pills from his job. If he's not, he should be.

PHIL: (with a bit too much interest) But, how did he look?

STICKLER: Beat down. But what do you expect with all that going on?

PHIL: No, I mean, like physically. How did he look?

STICKLER: Physically?

PHIL: Yeah. Back in school, he was pretty muscular. What about now?

STICKLER: You were checking him out in high school?

PHIL: (agitated and defensive) No man! I mean it's not like you couldn't notice him. He was a big dude.

STICKLER: So, after all the stuff I just told you, Cerebral Palsy, divorce, bankruptcy, you're asking if he's still got his muscles?

PHIL: It was just a question, man.

STICKLER: Sort of an odd question, that's all.

PHIL: Whatever.

Set switch.

NARCISSA: It sounded like you were talking to someone. Who was it?

(Noticing that SERENITY has not responded, NARCISSA stops what she's doing and looks at SERENITY with concern)

NARCISSA: Seren?

SERENITY: Huh? Oh, it was, um, just Stickler. On the phone.

NARCISSA: Thank God, I thought maybe you started talking to yourself.

SERENITY: Uh, no, he wanted to know if we were still hanging out after the interview. You and Phil should come.

NARCISSA: Maybe, we'll see. Were those diet pills?

(NARCISSA inspects the clothing laid out on the bed)

SERENITY: Huh?

NARCISSA: In your pocket. You're dieting right? Come on, share.

SERENITY: Oh, those, uh no, there for uh, migraines. Why would you want diet pills?

NARCISSA: I gotta look good for my man. Didn't we have this discussion already?

SERENITY: Really, Narcissa, he should love you for/

NARCISSA: /love me for me, yadda, yadda, yadda. I know. But a girl's gotta stay on her toes. I don't know, Serenity, this guy kinda gets to me.

SERENITY: Really? How?

NARCISSA: There's just something about him. Something dark. He makes me want to take care of him. He's like a wounded alpha male, needing to be soothed.

SERENITY: Ah, Narcissa The Comforter.

NARCISSA: I have my moments.

SERENITY: Think he's got a secret family somewhere? (excited) Or, in Witness Protection because he ratted out the mob?

NARCISSA: I don't think it's that sinister.

SERENITY: Something dark. Your words, not mine.

NARCISSA: I didn't mean serial killer dark. I don't know what I mean.

SERENITY: Doesn't matter. He's not being honest with you if he's holding something back.

NARCISSA: I'm just being silly. Probably just the Valium.

SERENITY: Valium?

NARCISSA: Everybody's on something.

SERENITY: (pats pocket) You're right.

NARCISSA: There's something else too, Seren.

Set switch.

PHIL: That sucks, what’s going on with Donovan. He was a decent guy.

(PHIL takes out his phone, looks at it, then places it on the table. After a brief moment, STICKLER turns the phone to a different angle)

PHIL: Seriously?

STICKLER: I can't help it.

PHIL: Another reason why Serenity shouldn't move in. She's a slob.

STICKLER: And how do you know that?

PHIL: Narcissa told me. Is her place that bad?

STICKLER: I wouldn't know.

PHIL: What, does she keep you blindfolded when you're over there? Sticks, you holdin' out on me? That's some kinky shi/

STICKLER: /No! She just always comes here. Wait, how does Narcissa know she's a slob? (winces on 'slob')

PHIL: They're friends. Met a while ago at a dodge ball retreat or a bird watching concert, or something.

STICKLER: A dodge ball retreat or a bird watching concert?

PHIL: Or something. Don't remember. I tend to zone out when Narcissa gets into her storytelling mode.

Set switch. NARCISSA concentrates on the dress she holds in front of SERENITY, trying to visualize her in it.

NARCISSA: Hmmm, this might work. No, it won't look good with your hair up.

SERENITY: You can't just make a statement like that, then leave me hanging.

NARCISSA: Hmmm?

SERENITY: The 'there's something else too'?

NARCISSA: Oh, right. He's not intimidated by Daddy.

SERENITY: He's met your dad?!

NARCISSA: Completely by accident, believe me.

SERENITY: Wow, how'd that go?

NARCISSA: Imagine two virile lions, sizing up one another, stalking, ready to fight to the death to claim their lioness.

SERENITY: Which would be, you?

(NARCISSA nods)

SERENITY: I really don't want to think about you and your father/

NARCISSA: /Ok, wrong analogy, but you know what I mean. Bottom line, Daddy doesn't like him, which makes me like him more. He even forbade me from seeing him. Can you believe that? He actually said 'Narcissa, I forbade you from seeing that hoodlum'. (laughs) Who says forbade, anyway?

SERENITY: Or hoodlum.

Set switch.

PHIL: It's kinda strange, her keeping such an important thing like a BFF a secret from you, don't ya think? Especially when your best friend is dating her best friend.

STICKLER: You're dating now?

PHIL: Whatever.

STICKLER: She's a private person. Probably waiting on the right time to introduce us. Wants to make sure we're solid as a couple before bringing other people around.

PHIL: Yeah, that's what you do when you have a kid or something, so they don't get attached if you break up. Narcissa's a grown ass woman. And what an ass.

STICKLER: I haven't introduced you to Serenity.

PHIL: And I haven't introduced you to Narcissa either. Dudes don't do that shit, right away. Chicks do. Or some chicks do. Besides, me and Narcissa just made it sort of official a couple of days ago.

STICKLER: (becoming worried) Yeah, yeah. I'm sure Seren has her reasons.

PHIL: I have no idea what that might be, but I do know why she never invited you over. That chick is no Holly Homemaker. And you, well . . . How you gonna deal with that?

STICKLER: What do you mean?

PHIL: Dude, you have straightened my cards, the bar, my phone, and you've brushed imaginary crumbs off the table, all within the half hour I've been here. How in the hell are you gonna deal with dirty underwear all over your bedroom floor? Or wads of hair in the bathtub? Or when she uses your razor?

STICKLER: My razor?

PHIL: Yeah, chicks love to do that shit. I keep some disposables at my place. But they still use mine.

Set switch.

NARCISSA: Mother's been harping on me to become more self-sufficient and Daddy's starting to listen to her. Whose idea do you think it was for me to intern in the first place? Not mine.

SERENITY: It's probably a good idea. Your father won't be around forever.

NARCISSA: Yeah, but his money will. But until my trust fund kicks in, Daddy wants me to start fending for myself. Can you believe that?

SERENITY: Well, yeah, I can. Most people do.

NARCISSA: You , for one, should know that I am not most people. So for now, I'll just make his life a living hell until he comes to his senses. I may even tell him Phil proposed.

SERENITY: That just might kill the man.

NARCISSA: I wonder if that would affect my trust fund.

SERENITY: Narcissa!

NARCISSA: At least I have Phil. He takes up the slack, financially.

Set switch.

STICKLER: We'll work it out. I want her here. I want to take care of her. You know, like you wanna take care of Narcissa.

PHIL: The difference is, Sticks, you're a complicated man. I'm not. Living with you is not just a job, it's a freaking career.

STICKLER: You think knowing your man is screwing other women is something easy to deal with?

PHIL: No, but what I am saying is that, what I do is a choice. I can stop. Can you?

STICKLER: I've gotten better.

PHIL: Look, I'm all for finding companionship. If that's what you want, but you need to find out what you're getting into first. You need to get a look at her place and see for yourself.

STICKLER: I guess you have a point.

PHIL: Of course I do. Has Phil Lander ever steered you wrong?

STICKLER: Does the summer of 1995 ring any bells?

PHIL: Your hair grew back didn't? And you finally lost the stutter.

Set switch.

NARCISSA: Enough of this, let's get back to you and make some magic. Pretend I'm your fairy godmother and I'm turning you from a pitiful swan into a beautiful princess.

SERENITY: There's not a pitiful swan in that story.

NARCISSA: Shut up and try this stuff on.

(NARCISSA picks up a blue dress and flings it at SERENITY)

NARCISSA: This'll bring out your eyes.

Set switch.

PHIL: Just think about what I said.

STICKLER: I will. Like I said, I haven't even talked to her about it yet.

PHIL: Good. That means she hasn't started on the plan.

STICKLER: Plan? What plan?

PHIL: Are you new? THE PLAN. All women have genetically embedded in their psyche, a plan to slowly make us extinct.

STICKLER: This I gotta hear.

(NOTE: I would really love it if PHIL would venture out into the audience, and speak to as many men as possible during this short monologue, gathering corroborating handshakes and fist pumps)

PHIL: It starts with mind-blowing sex every night, which slowly trickles down to nothing. Am I right? Home cooked meals disappear into microwaveable mystery dishes. You been there. Enthusiastic interest in your day turns into stored up female drama that she bombards you with as soon as you hit the door. And she can talk forever, can't she? You just want them to get to the point already, so you know whether you have to beat someone or fix something. You feel me. They do this until we become so heavy laden with their female stuff; all we can do is cling to the safety of a recliner. Beer in hand. You know what I'm talking about. Waiting for the comforting arms of death to take us away. We mask it as Sunday Night, Monday Night, and Thursday Night Football. But in reality, we just stick our hands down the front of our pants, and slowly wait for The Angel of death to grant us our reprieve. Deep down we all know this.

(PHIL'S stretches out his arms to envelope the entire male audience)

PHIL: Can I get an amen?

(Pause – let's see if he gets any amen's. That would be fun!)

STICKLER: So all women are out to slowly kill us and we try to cope by watching football.

(PHIL bows)

STICKLER: Wow, that's a pretty cynical view of the female gender. And extremely farfetched.

PHIL: Hey, just looking out for you kid.

(PHIL returns to his seat, picks up his cards)

PHIL: Got any 5's?

STICKLER: What?

PHIL: 5's. Phil Lander asked if you had any 5's?

STICKLER: Dude, we're playing Poker. Not Gin. Not Go Fish. Poker.

PHIL: Oh!

(PHIL throws cards down on the table)

PHIL: My bad. Come on, deal 'em up. Phil Lander’s on a roll.

(End of Scene One)

Scene Two

Lights up on SERENITY'S bedroom. SERENITY is lying on the bed, crying. There's a knock at the door. She doesn't answer right away.

STICKLER (O.S.): Seren? Baby? It's me. Open the door.

(STICKLER knocks again)

STICKLER: Seren?

(Pause)

STICKLER: I'm coming in.

(STICKLER rushes in)

Seren, are you –

(STICKLER stops short, takes in the apartment)

STICKLER: DAMN!!

SERENITY: (sniffs) What's wrong?

STICKLER: Uh, nothing.

(STICKLER exaggeratedly steps over things as he walks to the bed.

STICKLER: Are you ok?

SERENITY: No.

STICKLER: Tell me exactly what happened. I couldn't understand you over the phone.

SERENITY: I was at my interview. I got there fifteen minutes early, so I stopped at the cafe next door for a smoothie.

STICKLER: Did someone at the cafe hurt you?

SERENITY: No. I ordered my smoothie, and when I was finished, I still had a little time left.

STICKLER: Did the smoothie make you cry?

SERENITY: No, Stickler! Let me finish, I'm getting to it.

STICKLER: Maybe if you just start right at the crying part.

SERENITY: Do you want to hear this, or not?

STICKLER: Okay, okay.

(STICKLER pushes clothes off the bed, sits next to SERENITY, and holds her)

SERENITY: So, since I was so early, and waiting in the lobby so long, I got really nervous.

STICKLER: Okay.

SERENITY: By the time Mr. Barkus came out to greet me, my stomach was in knots.

STICKLER: Typical reaction, baby.

SERENITY: Oh yeah? I bet what I did next isn't typical.

STICKLER: What did you do?

SERENITY: After Mr. Barkus introduced himself, and shook my hand, he asked how I was feeling.

STICKLER: God, Serenity, can we please get to the crying part . . . . today?

SERENITY: I am!

STICKLER: I'm sorry babe, go on.

SERENITY: After he asked me how I was feeling, I opened my mouth to answer, and then vomited banana and strawberry smoothie all over his shoes.

STICKLER: (laughs, although visibly disgusted) You what?

SERENITY: Stop!

STICKLER: Sorry, you're right, sorry. Honey, don't worry about it. I'm sure it happens all the time.

SERENITY: Really? You know someone else who threw up all over their potential boss's shoes?

STICKLER: Well, no, not personally. But I'm sure it happens. People get nervous.

SERENITY: I was so embarrassed.

STICKLER: Um, well, wow. It's gonna be ok, either way it goes.

SERENITY: I guess. (sighs) Tell me about your day?

STICKLER: My day? Ok.

(STICKLER stands and subconsciously begins to clean)

STICKLER: Well, they caught Fletcher snoozing in the custodial closet.

SERENITY: (chuckles) Again?

STICKLER: Yep. This time with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

SERENITY: Oh no.

STICKLER: Yeah, it sucks. They can't fire him though, if he goes to get help.

SERENITY: (notices STICKLER cleaning) Stickler?

STICKLER: Oh, and I should be hearing about the research grant any day now.

SERENITY: That's great, but Stickler what . . . .

STICKLER: McCarthy thinks I'm a shoe in, but you never know. The board has to/

SERENITY: /Stickler!

STICKLER: What?

SERENITY: What are you doing?

STICKLER: (taking a minute to catch on) Oh, sorry, I was just . . . . tiding up.

SERENITY: Tiding up?

STICKLER: Yeah, with uh, with you being so busy with school and trying to find an internship, and all. I'm sure it's hard to find the time.

SERENITY: So you're helping?

STICKLER: Yeah, I mean, Seren, look at this place. It's, it's...

SERENITY: It's what?

STICKLER: It's, driving me crazy! How can you live like this?

SERENITY: Maybe you should go.

(STICKLER sits again)

STICKLER: Go? Wait, no! It's not a big deal. This is not a big deal.

SERENITY: It's not?

STICKLER: Well, yes but/

SERENITY: /I knew it.

STICKLER: /but I can deal with it. I have to deal with it. I want to. (hugs her) You were that scared for me to see this?

SERENITY: Yes.

STICKLER: Am I that bad? (nibbles on her ear)

SERENITY: (giggles) You can eat off your floors.

STICKLER: I'd rather eat off you.

SERENITY: (laughs) But not here, huh?

STICKLER: Baby steps, Seren, baby steps.

SERENITY: I'm sorry I kept this from you.

STICKLER: Save your apologies until the end.

SERENITY: I have more to apologize for?

STICKLER: Are you ashamed of me?

SERENITY: What?

STICKLER: Because of the OCD? Are you ashamed?

SERENITY: No! Why would you think that?

STICKLER: Why didn't you tell me you knew Narcissa?

SERENITY: It's not you, it's her.

STICKLER: You're ashamed of her?

SERENITY: Yes. No. A little. She's a lot to take in. She says whatever she feels, and doesn't hold back.

STICKLER: I've heard.

SERENITY: So you see, I didn't want her to say something to you that would hurt your feelings.

STICKLER: I appreciate that, but I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself.

SERENITY: I know.

STICKLER: How long did you think you could keep us apart? Neither one of us is going to change soon.

SERENITY: I didn't think that far ahead.

STICKLER: Maybe you should.

SERENITY: And why is that?

STICKLER: There's something that I've been wanting to ask you.

SERENITY: What is it?

STICKLER: You care about me, right?

SERENITY: Of course.

STICKLER: You like spending time with me?

SERENITY: What's this all about?

(SERENITY nervously stands)

STICKLER: Answer the question.

SERENITY: Yes, I like spending time with you.

STICKLER: Do you think about me a lot when I'm not around?

SERENITY: (little more nervous) Stickler . . .

STICKLER: Cause I really miss you when you're not. I think about you all the time.

(STICKLER goes down on one knee)

SERENITY: (extremely nervous) Oh boy.

STICKLER: I want you to move in.

SERENITY: (relieved) Oh my God!

(a very long pause)

STICKLER: Seren? You're making me nervous.

SERENITY: For a minute there, I thought you were proposing.

STICKLER: Proposing? Oh, God no!

SERENITY: What?

STICKLER: I mean, not now, down the line . . . waaay down the line. So what do you think? Live with me?

SERENITY: Do you think we're ready for this?

STICKLER: Sure. We practically spend every moment together anyway. Why not?

SERENITY: It's just so soon.

STICKLER: I'm not seeing anyone else, and I assume you aren't either. Right?

SERENITY: Of course I'm not. But we don't really know each other that well, and . . .

STICKLER: What better way to get to know each other. You're always saying how much you hate your apartment/

SERENITY: /I do say that/

STICKLER: /What, with all the noise/

SERENITY: /Sometimes I can't hear myself think/

STICKLER: /And it's so small/

SERENITY: /There was a dirty diaper on the stairs this morning.

STICKLER: (openly shudders) The commute to school is much shorter.

(SERENITY begins pacing)

SERENITY: I don't know, Stickler, we're so different.

STICKLER: Opposites attract.

SERENITY: This is bigger than having different tastes in music.

STICKLER: It is. But we can compromise. I'll work on being a little less anal and you . . . .

SERENITY: Work on being more, tidy.

STICKLER: See, we're compromising already. (he kisses her) We can make this work, babe. Say yes.

SERENITY: I'll think about it.

STICKLER: It's not a no. I'll take that. Now let's get out of here and get a bite to eat. I think I'm starting to break out in hives.

SERENITY: Funny. I just have to change first.

STICKLER: Well, I'll wait in the car.

SERENITY: I can't wait to tell Narcissa that we might be moving in together!

STICKLER: Yeah, no, let's wait.

SERENITY: You don't want me to tell her?

STICKLER: Not yet.

SERENITY: Why?

STICKLER: I just want to keep it between us for now. If you tell her, she'll tell Phil and he'll give me a hard time. Let's hold on to this little secret for a little while.

SERENITY: Ok, just for a little while.

(They begin kissing)

STICKLER: Hey, Seren?

SERENITY: Huh?

STICKLER: (stops kissing) Can you hurry up and change? I'm starting to itch.

SERENITY: Go. I'll be out in a minute.

STICKLER: I'm timing you.

(STICKLER walks towards the door, turns to look over the room again)

STICKLER: And no more keeping things from each other.

(He exits)

DAMON: You really think that control freak of a boyfriend can protect you better than I can?

SERENITY: I want this to work and if getting you out of my head will do it, then maybe I should.

DAMON: You'll regret it.

STICKLER (O.S.): Seren, tell Narcissa you've got to go and hang up. I'm double-parked. And I'm starving. Get the lead out!

SERENITY: (to STICKLER) Coming! (to DAMON) Just let me have this.

DAMON: You. Will. Regret. This.

(Car horn blows. SERENITY hurriedly exits. End of Scene Two)

Scene Three

STICKLER'S apartment. SERENITY and STICKLER are sitting on the couch.

SERENITY: I wanna barf.

STICKLER: It'll be fine.

SERENITY: I'm not so sure. I mean, everyone wants their friends to like their lover. But, in reality, it rarely works out that way.

STICKLER: It'll be fine.

SERENITY: I should have gotten more food. Maybe Indian. Does Phil like Indian?

STICKLER: It'll be fine.

SERENITY: Are you just going to keep saying that?

STICKLER: Saying what?

SERENITY: It'll be fine. It'll be fine.

STICKLER: Repetition soothes me.

SERENITY: So, you're nervous too?

(SERENITY begins pacing)

STICKLER: Not as much as you, apparently.

SERENITY: What if he doesn't like me?

STICKLER: What's not to like?

SERENITY: By what you and Narcissa say, he's a flashy guy, with money. He likes flashy women like Narcissa, and I'm far from being like her.

STICKLER: Which, from what I hear, is a very good thing.

SERENITY: Maybe I should change. (smoothing out her clothes)

STICKLER: You look perfect. What are you so nervous about? He's not a god, even though he might think he is.

SERENITY: You're not helping, Stickler.

STICKLER: Baby, relax. He's just a guy.

SERENITY: No, he's not just a guy. He's your friend. Your best friend. God, I don't know what's worse, meeting the parents or meeting the friends.

STICKLER: (chuckles) Believe me baby, compared to meeting my parents, Phil's a puppy.

SERENITY: You really suck at relieving stress.

(STICKLER pulls SERENITY onto his lap)

STICKLER: I got no complaints last night.

(SERENITY giggles)

STICKLER: That's better. Look Seren, Phil may come off as a bit overbearing and obnoxious, but deep down he's a good guy and he wants the best for me. Just like Narcissa wants the best for you. If they're true friends, they'll accept our choices.

SERENITY: But Narcissa can be extremely critical. What if she says something that, that . . . .

STICKLER: Serenity, I'm used to being criticized. It's not easy going through life with my condition and not be. Nothing she says can change anything between us.

SERENITY: I just want us all to get along. We can do things as couples. You know, like double date, group vacations, celebrate the holidays together. Oh, we could even be aunt and uncle to each other's kids!

STICKLER: Whoa, slow down. No wonder you're stressed.

SERENITY: Sorry, I just know how I want my future to be.

STICKLER: How?

SERENITY: Better than when I was younger.

STICKLER: What was it like? You never talk about your childhood.

SERENITY: I try to forget it.

STICKLER: Was it that bad?

SERENITY: It could have been worse, I guess, but, yeah, it was kinda bad.

STICKLER: Maybe if you talk about it.

SERENITY: I do, with my therapist.

STICKLER: I was thinking more about talking to me, letting me in a little.

SERENITY: It's not that easy.

STICKLER: Do you trust me?

SERENITY: Of course.

STICKLER: Then talk to me.

SERENITY: I don't know if I can.

STICKLER: Just the good times.

SERENITY: What?

STICKLER: There were some good times, not all bad, right?

SERENITY: Well, yeah, some.

STICKLER: Then start with those. Tell me one good memory. Can you do that?

SERENITY: I guess so.

(A long moment passes as SERENITY struggles with finding a good memory)

SERENITY: I can remember Mommy singing while she cooked dinner. She had a beautiful voice. She would put me in the middle of the kitchen floor with my favorite toys. And when she was all done, she would pick me up, sprinkle a little seasoning in the palm of my hand, and turn it over. While the seasoning rained into the pot, she would say, 'There, now it's perfect, and Daddy's gonna love it!'

(As SERENITY becomes lost in thought, she begins to frown)

STICKLER: Seren?

(SERENITY shoves her hand in her pocket and brings out the pill bottle, and takes a pill. STICKLER grabs the bottle out of her hand)

STICKLER: What are these?

(SERENITY reaches for the bottle, but misses)

SERENITY: Gimme those!

STICKLER: What. Are. They.

SERENITY: They're pills.

STICKLER: I can see that they're pills, Serenity. What are they for?

SERENITY: Headaches. Migraines. Now, gimme!

(SERENITY reaches and misses, again)

STICKLER: There's no label.

SERENITY: What?

STICKLER: Prescription label. There's not one on here.

SERENITY: I took it off.

STICKLER: Why?

SERENITY: Because . . . . because, I . . . .

(SERENITY slips into the voice of DAMON)

SERENITY: Give me the damn pills, Stickler!

(DAMON laughs. SERENITY covers her ears and drops to the floor. STICKLER kneels beside her)

STICKLER: (whispers) Seren?

SERENITY: (her normal voice) I need to lie down.

(STICKLER gives her the bottle, helps her up, and holds her as they exit. End of Scene Three)

Scene Four

Same. Later that evening. Doorbell rings.

STICKLER (O.S.): Coming!

(A hard knock at the door)

PHIL (O.S.): Stick!

NARCISSA (O.S.): Stop yelling.

(STICKLER enters while speaking)

STICKLER: We can always cancel, you know.

SERENITY (O.S.): I'm fine. Open the door.

(Doorbell rings. Harder knock at the door)

PHIL (O.S.): Yo man, it's freezing out here! My balls are shriveling up!

NARCISSA (O.S.): Stop. Yelling.

STICKLER: Are you sure?

(SERENITY enters, and opens the door. NARCISSA and PHIL enter)

PHIL: Finally! What's up man?

(The men do the usual handshake-in-between-chests-arm-around- shoulder-back-pat-I'm-not-really-hugging-hug. NARCISSA gives SERENITY an air kiss)

PHIL: Did we catch you in the middle of . . . . something? Knockin' boots? Bumpin' uglies?

NARCISSA: Phil!

STICKLER: (laughs) Naw man, Serenity wasn't feeling too good. I was trying to convince her to reschedule, so she can rest.

(NARCISSA places the back of her hand on SERENITY'S forehead)

NARCISSA: What's wrong?

SERENITY: Just a headache. I'm much better now.

PHIL: Glad to hear it.

(PHIL extends his hand to SERENITY)

Phil Lander.

(SERENITY giggles, and shakes PHIL'S hand)

SERENITY: (to NARCISSA) Phil. Lander.

(NARCISSA rolls her eyes)

NARCISSA: (to STICKLER) Hi, I'm Narcissa.

STICKLER: Come on in and sit down.

(STICKLER, SERENITY, and PHIL walk towards the couch. NARCISSA remains where she is, taking in the surroundings. PHIL places his jacket on the coat rack. SERENITY sits on the recliner. PHIL sits on the couch. STICKLER stands next to NARCISSA, watching her)

PHIL: (pats the spot next to him) Get over here woman.

(NARCISSA begins to walk towards the couch, taking off her jacket. She drops it across the couch and plops down next to PHIL. PHIL and SERENITY look at STICKLER, who eyes the coat and starts to pick it up)

SERENITY: /I'll get it.

PHIL: /I'll get it.

(NARCISSA looks on in confusion)

STICKLER: No, it's cool.

(STICKLER sits next to PHIL)

PHIL: Heard you had an interview recently, Serenity. How'd it go?

SERENITY: Uh, well . . .

NARCISSA: She completely made a fool of herself. Threw up all over Daddy's friend. Our family is so embarrassed.

SERENITY: I'm sorry.

PHIL: Whoa, that's epic!

NARCISSA: Lucky for her, Stellar and Barnes aren't too picky. Daddy says you most likely will still get the job.

STICKLER: See, that's great honey. I told you they'd love you. Even despite the vomit.

SERENITY: Yeah, I guess.

NARCISSA: She has Daddy to thank. He convinced them to overlook her little faux pas and give her a chance. Pushing the underdog thing, you know.

STICKLER: I'm sure her resume had a lot to do with it too.

NARCISSA: Maybe. But Daddy can be very convincing.

STICKLER: You think a lot of your Daddy, don't you?

NARCISSA: What's that –

PHIL: –So Stickler here tells me you're a psych major. What made you go that route?

SERENITY: Oh, well, a friend of mine had a few, uh, problems growing up. It was hard for her to find a therapist she could trust. I sort of got interested in psychology because of her. I wanted to help.

PHIL: What kind of problems? Did she hear voices and shit?

SERENITY: (becoming uncomfortable) Yeah, sometimes.

PHIL: Damn, I never knew anybody that heard voices before. So, what kind of crazy was she?

NARCISSA: Phil!

SERENITY: She's not crazy!

STICKLER: Of course she's not. Everybody's got something to deal with. Right Phil?

PHIL: Yeah, I guess. So, what kind of disorder did she have?

SERENITY: Uh, schizophrenia.

PHIL: That's when you have delusions and shit, right?

SERENITY: Well, sometimes.

NARCISSA: Is she okay now, your friend?

SERENITY: She's getting there.

PHIL: Must be tough though, not knowing what's real or not.

SERENITY: It can be . . . . (wrings her hands) . . . . challenging.

PHIL: Did your friend hurt anybody? I heard those people can be pretty dangerous.

SERENITY: I really don't want to . . . .

PHIL: Hey Sticks, you remember that dude that used to bang is head on the walls and shit?

STICKLER: Conrad.

PHIL: Yea. Your friend do any of that shit?

SERENITY: No, she . . . .

STICKLER: He was autistic.

PHIL: Same thing, right? Hey, whatcha got to eat? Phil Lander is in need of refreshments.

STICKLER: I got some snacks.

NARCISSA: Great, I'm starving!

PHIL: I thought you said you ate before you left home.

STICKLER: I'll just go grab something from the kitchen.

(STICKLER begins to walk towards the kitchen. He stops at the couch, grabs the jacket, hangs it on the coat rack, and then exits)

PHIL: (shouts) Hey man, bring something without a lot of calories.

NARCISSA: You watching your figure now?

PHIL: No babe, I'm watching yours. (taps her thigh) Don't want these to grow into thunder thighs, do we?

NARCISSA: What's wrong with my thighs?

PHIL: Nothing, yet. Better safe than sorry, I always say.

NARCISSA: What the . . .

(SERENITY stands)

SERENITY: /Think I'll go help Stickler in the kitchen.

(SERENITY exits)

NARCISSA: . . . hell is that supposed to mean?

PHIL: Baby relax. You've put on a few pounds, but it's cool. I like you meaty. Just don't let it get outta hand.

NARCISSA: I have not put on weight! And I am not meaty! Daddy says I'm voluptuous.

PHIL: But you're not sleeping with your Daddy . . . are you?

NARCISSA: Why are you so jealous of our relationship?

PHIL: Jealous. Phil Lander doesn't have a jealous bone in his body.

NARCISSA: I thought we agreed that the third-person crap wasn't working.

PHIL: I get the whole 'Daddy's little girl' thing, but you gotta admit, you two have a very odd relationship.

NARCISSA: Odd in what way?

PHIL: Well, for one, you're always sitting on his lap. That's cute when you're like seven, but you're not seven. It's . . . . creepy.

NARCISSA: I'm sorry that affection for my father creeps you out.

PHIL: Look babe, we came here to have a good time, not argue. I know you love your daddy. Just make sure you don't forget about this daddy too.

(SERENITY and STICKLER return with food and drink)

STICKLER: Okay, here we go. Gotta little something that everyone will like, I hope. Brought you some rabbit food, Phil. What's that about?

PHIL: Not for me, it's for Narcissa.

(NARCISSA grabs a chip, scoops out a hefty amount of dip, and pops it in her mouth)

PHIL: Dammit Narcissa!

(NARCISSA eats another chip, then licks her fingers)

PHIL: You're really testing me, aren't you?

(NARCISSA sticks her tongue out at PHIL. He smirks, and shakes his head)

SERENITY: So, Stickler tells me you guys have known each other since high school.

(They all begin eating. STICKLER grows anxious by the minute as they move around the snacks and drinks)

PHIL: Yeah, that's right. Best friends ever since.

SERENITY: Played football together?

PHIL: Oh yeah! Sticks was our best quarterback. And he could always count on me to never juggle a pass. Right Sticks?

STICKLER: Huh? Yeah. I brought coasters.

(Every time NARCISSA takes a drink and places the glass on the table, STICKLER puts it on the coaster)

NARCISSA: Daddy loves to go see his alma mater play ball. He says the football teams are legendary at pulling pranks.

PHIL: He's right. Every year the senior players try to outdo the previous year.

STICKLER: But nobody could top the goats.

SERENITY: Goats?

STICKLER: One of our linebackers, Donovan Ramsey, was the king of pranks. Somehow, he snuck a herd of goats into the school. No one knows how.

SERENITY: Really?

STICKLER: Yep. He herded them right into the gym. When the janitor opened the doors, they escaped and had the run of the school.

NARCISSA: Goats are disgusting.

STICKLER: It was hilarious. Goats everywhere. School was cancelled for a week.

PHIL: Never got that smell out completely.

SERENITY: How'd they get them out?

STICKLER: I'm not sure.

PHIL: Goat wranglers.

NARCISSA: Is there such a thing?

PHIL: Why not?

STICKLER: Wow, Donovan was a card. Right Phil?

PHIL: (agitated) Sure.

(STICKLER straightens the table)

STICKLER: You guys used to hang out a lot freshmen year.

PHIL: Not really.

STICKLER: Sure, when you saw one, you saw the other. Thick as thieves. There was a rumor that Phil here got kicked out of the house, cause he was always over Donovan's. Remember?

PHIL: Not really.

STICKLER: What happened between you two anyway?

PHIL: Nothing.

STICKLER: Let's see. I think the last time I remember you guys hanging out was at his, what sixteenth birthday party. Yeah, a bunch of us guys were gonna hangout at his place, try to score some beer from his pops. We stayed the night cause we were all going fishing the next morning. Remember?

PHIL: I didn't stay.

STICKLER: What? You had to. Oh wait, that's right you didn't. You were already there by the time the rest of us showed up. You guys were arguing about something and then you just took off. What happened anyway?

PHIL: Nothing happened.

STICKLER: I remember Donovan's mom was worried about you being out alone at night.

SERENITY: Why?

STICKLER: Cause these dudes were beating up gay guys.

SERENITY: But what did that have to do with you?

PHIL: Nothing!

STICKLER: Right. She was just really paranoid about stuff. Some of the guys were real asses about it too. Saying that they deserved it.

PHIL: (under his breath) Assholes.

SERENITY: That's awful. Is that what you two were arguing about?

PHIL: We weren't arguing.

STICKLER: Dude, we could hear you a block away.

PHIL: It was probably about some chic. I don't remember. It was a long time ago.

NARCISSA: If he says it's nothing, then it's nothing. Drop it!

(A short uncomfortable moment)

SERENITY: (suddenly) Stickler and I have decided to live together.

STICKLER: (shocked) Really?

NARCISSA: (elated) Really?

PHIL: (disgusted) Really?

STICKLER: I thought we were gonna wait.

(SERENITY shrugs. STICKLER can't help but straighten the already neat table)

NARCISSA: What are you doing?

STICKLER: Uh, nothing.

(Another uncomfortable moment)

NARCISSA: Moving in together, huh? Well I think it's great!

PHIL: I think it's stupid.

NARCISSA: Why? Don't you ever think about us living together?

PHIL: We just started dating. We don't know each other well enough.

NARCISSA: They haven't been dating long either and they're doing it.

PHIL: And they don't know what the hell they're doing.

STICKLER: Hold on a minute.

NARCISSA: He obviously is ready for a commitment. Ready to show Seren that's she's the only one for him.

PHIL: I got rid of the phone numbers, didn't I? You heard me break it off with them.

NARCISSA: You saved the numbers on your memory card, Phil. I'm not an idiot.

PHIL: I never said you were. But it's a step, right? Right?

STICKLER: Come on you guys.

PHIL: Look babe, if they think they're ready for this, then good for them. We're not. And that's that.

NARCISSA: What are you so afraid of?

PHIL: I'm not afraid of anything! What do you think Daddy would have to say if his little girl was shacking up?

NARCISSA: He wouldn't like it.

PHIL: Uh huh.

NARCISSA: At first, but if it makes me happy . . .

PHIL: You don't think he'd have a problem with you living with a guy like me? A guy who runs through women quicker than you can say boo. A guy who doesn't know . . . doesn't know . . .

NARCISSA: Doesn't know what?

PHIL: Who doesn't know a damn thing. I need some air.

(PHIL stands to leave. NARCISSA grabs his hand)

NARCISSA: Phil, wait.

(PHIL brushes off her hand)

PHIL: Go ask Daddy what kind of man you need. I gotta get outta here. (to STICKLER) Sorry man.

(PHIL exits. The others sit in stunned disbelief. After a moment, STICKLER begins to straighten the already straightened food tray, again)

NARCISSA: There's nothing wrong with the fucking tray!

SERENITY: Narcissa!

NARCISSA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just . . . I think I'd better go too.

SERENITY: You don't have to. You're clearly upset.

NARCISSA: I need to clear my head.

SERENITY: If you're sure.

NARCISSA: Yea, I'm sure.

SERENITY: Stickler can take you home.

NARCISSA: No. No, I'll have Daddy pick me up.

(NARCISSA stands to leave)

NARCISSA: I'll wait for him downstairs.

(NARCISSA moves towards where she left her jacket, notices that it is now hanging up, looks at STICKLER, shakes her head, and grabs the jacket)

NARCISSA: I'll call you tomorrow, Seren.

(SERENITY and NARCISSA hug. NARCISSA exits)

SERENITY: Well, that was interesting.

STICKLER: So, how soon can you move in?

(End of ACT I)

ACT II

Scene Five

Same. Lights up on SERENITY and STICKLER unpacking. Moving boxes are everywhere. As the scene progresses, STICKLER runs behind SERENITY, rearranging everything she unpacks. SERENITY should occasionally toss items on the floor. This should be a very fast and chaotic scene. They should bump into each other often. During this mayhem music, such as the type played in silent movies (Keystone Cops), should play. Have fun with it! End of Scene Five.

Scene Six

STICKLER'S, somewhat, cluttered apartment. Dim light on SERENITY studying at the desk. Her purse is on the couch. She flows between agitation and calm throughout the scene.

DAMON: (whispers) Serenity.

(Silence)

(a bit louder) Serenity.

(Silence)

(louder) Serenity?

(Silence)

(singsong) Serennnity.

(Silence)

(shouts) Serenity! Answer me dammit! I know you hear me!

SERENITY: Damon, I'm trying to study.

DAMON: Ever since you moved here, you've been ignoring me.

SERENITY: Damon please, not now. Things are going so good for me . . . . for us.

DAMON: When are you gonna show him who you really are?

SERENITY: He knows me.

DAMON: He can't know the real you. He doesn't know me. I'm a part of you. I AM YOU!

SERENITY: No, you're just a coping mechanism. Part of my imagination.

DAMON: A lie is a lie.

SERENITY: Why can't you just leave me alone?

DAMON: I helped you survive, remember?

SERENITY: But mom . . .

DAMON: What about her?

SERENITY: She got hurt.

DAMON: What do you care if she got hurt. She got what she deserved.

SERENITY: How can you say that?

DAMON: She should have gotten you away from that man. Instead, she stayed.

SERENITY: You didn't have to hurt her.

DAMON: Me? I hurt her, Serenity?

SERENITY: Yes.

DAMON: And him, did I hurt him too?

SERENITY: Yes.

DAMON: How? I'm not real, remember? How could I have hurt them if I'm not real?

SERENITY: You told me.

DAMON: You couldn't function on your own.

SERENITY: You made me.

DAMON: And now you think you can do this all on your own now?

SERENITY: You said it was the right thing to do.

DAMON: It was the only thing to do.

SERENITY: There were other ways. People we could've told.

DAMON: But the danger would always be there, lurking. With them gone, you were free.

SERENITY: I have Stickler now.

DAMON: When he finds out what you are, what you did, to your own parents, he'll leave you. He will!

SERENITY: No! Stickler loves me.

DAMON: A fake, he's in love with a fake! A crazy fake!

SERENITY: Enough!

(She searches through her purse frantically, finally giving up, dumping the contents on the couch. Finds the pill bottle, and takes a pill. STICKLER enters, hangs up his jacket. Lights brighten. STICKLER looks around the cluttered room. SERENITY is flustered by his presence)

STICKLER: Hey babe. How's the studying going?

SERENITY: Uh, fine, just fine. Um, how was your day?

(STICKLER makes his way over to SERENITY and hugs her)

STICKLER: Busy.

(STICKLER begins putting things back into SERENITY'S purse)

STICKLER: What's all this?

SERENITY: (trying to help) Oh, I was just, uh, cleaning out my purse. I'll get it.

STICKLER: It's ok. I got it.

(STICKLER notices the pill bottle in SERENITY'S hand)

STICKLER: Another headache?

(SERENITY places the remaining items into her purse, and holds it close to her chest)

SERENITY: Uh, yeah.

STICKLER: Must be from all the studying.

SERENITY: Must be.

(STICKLER begins cleaning again)

STICKLER: Seren, hon, you said you would straighten up today.

SERENITY: I was, I am . . . . I got a little sidetracked.

(SERENITY puts her purse back on the couch and begins cleaning)

SERENITY: I'm sorry.

STICKLER: It's okay. It's just, you know, we agreed that you would be a little neater.

SERENITY: I know, I know, I was going to get to it.

STICKLER: When?

SERENITY: God, Stickler, it really isn't that bad.

(SERENITY places an item in the wrong spot)

STICKLER: (snaps) That doesn't go there. (sighs) Look, why don't you go take a hot bath? Light some candles. Relax while I fix us something to eat.

SERENITY: But it's my night to cook.

STICKLER: You need some 'you' time. I don't mind.

SERENITY: Well, ok. If you're sure.

STICKLER: Go.

(He pats her butt as she starts out of the room, which makes her drop the purse. She picks it up, leaving the pill bottle behind. STICKLER looks around for anything out of place. He notices the pill bottle and picks it up)

STICKLER: Hey, you dropped . . .

(STICKLER looks at the bottle, takes a pill out, makes sure he's alone, takes out his cell phone, and begins to type)

STICKLER: Oh my God!

(SERENITY enters)

SERENITY: I forgot to tell you, your mom called. She said to tell you that . . .

(STICKLER holds up the pill)

SERENITY: What are you –

STICKLER: –What is this?

SERENITY: I told you, they're for migraines.

STICKLER: They might have something to do with your head, but they aren't for migraines. What are they Serenity?

SERENITY: For migr –

STICKLER: – Stop lying to me!

DAMON: He had no right.

SERENITY: They're mine. You had no right.

STICKLER: No right? No right? Don't you think I have the right to know that my girlfriend is on anti-psychotic drugs?

SERENITY: How did –

STICKLER: – It's amazing what you can learn from the internet these days.

DAMON: He went behind your back.

SERENITY: How could you go behind my back?

STICKLER: Because I don't know who you are, Serenity. Ever since you moved in, it's like you're a different person.

SERENITY: What are you talking about? I haven't changed.

STICKLER: You have. You're always preoccupied, in your own world.

SERENITY: Exams are coming up.

STICKLER: It's like you're constantly trying to upset me.

SERENITY: Upset you? How?

STICKLER: You continuously put things in the wrong place, just to aggravate me.

DAMON: He's paranoid.

SERENITY: You're being paranoid. What's the big deal? So, I don't put things back exactly how you want them. You said you'd try not to be so, so . . . .

STICKLER: So what?!

SERENITY: Anal!

STICKLER: I understand that my way of doing things is not the norm, but knowing that, you would think you'd try harder.

DAMON: He's always breathing down your neck.

SERENITY: With you following behind me, always breathing down my neck?

STICKLER: Stop avoiding. Why do you need antipsychotic drugs, Serenity?

DAMON: He thinks you're crazy.

SERENITY: (presses fingers to temples) I'm not crazy.

STICKLER: I never said you were.

SERENITY: I need them.

STICKLER: I get that. But why?

SERENITY: (takes another pill) Stop!

STICKLER: No, Serenity, I won't stop. You won't tell me why you're always upset. I hear you talking to yourself sometimes.

SERENITY: What . . . . what did you hear?

STICKLER: Don't worry, I can never make out exactly what you say. It's always mumbled. But I can tell you're angry. I just don't understand why. Have I done something?

SERENITY: No, of course not.

STICKLER: Then what is it? I'll understand. Please tell me, Serenity. We can work through it together.

(SERENITY begins to cry. STICKLER hugs her)

SERENITY: I don't want to lose you.

STICKLER: Oh baby, you're not gonna lose me.

SERENITY: I don't want to hide anymore.

STICKLER: Then don't.

(STICKLER guides SERENITY to the couch)

SERENITY: I've wanted to tell you so many times. I just got scared.

STICKLER: You don't have to be scared. Tell me now. You'll feel better. You don't have to be alone in this anymore.

SERENITY: I don't know if I can.

(SERENITY wrings her hands. PHIL covers her hands with his)

STICKLER: Take your time.

(Pause)

SERENITY: I can barely remember a time when my dad didn't drink or hit my mom. When I was a baby, it was easy. I never got in the way. But when I got older and started 'getting into stuff', he would get angry. My mom would try to keep me out of his way. If I made a mess or broke something, she would tell me to hide. I was so scared. He yelled so loud. I can still hear my mom's screams in my dreams. I didn't know where to hide. I didn't know how long to hide. He would finally get tired of hitting her and leave. Mom would lock herself in her room. I didn't know how to help her.

STICKLER: Damn.

SERENITY: I had no one, no one to help me. Until Damon.

STICKLER: Damon?

SERENITY: Oh Stickler, don't make me do this.

STICKLER: How can I help you if I don't know what's going on?

SERENITY: Ok. Damon is, was an escape for me.

STICKLER: Who?

SERENITY: He's not real. He's a voice in my head. Something I made up to protect me.

STICKLER: Okay?

SERENITY: Don't look at me like that!

STICKLER: Like what? I'm just trying to understand.

SERENITY: I needed an escape from the violence. Damon would come to me when I would get really scared, or stressed, or angry. One night, dad hit my mom so hard she fell and hit her head on the side of the kitchen counter. She was unconscious for hours. Instead of getting help for her, he went looking for me. In his drunken panic, he became so angry and when he found me, he took that anger out on me. Broke my arm.

STICKLER: Oh, baby.

SERENITY: When mom came to, he was gone, of course. She took me to the hospital and promised me that it would never happen again, that she was leaving him. She never did. So, in order to cope I retreated within myself and created a protector. He, Damon, showed me where to hide so I couldn't be found. A place where I could hear when he left the house and I would know it was safe to come out.

STICKLER: So Damon was just like an invisible friend. You really protected yourself.

SERENITY: Yea.

STICKLER: What happened to your parents?

SERENITY: They're, they're . . . . gone.

STICKLER: Dead?

SERENITY: Yes.

STICKLER: How?

SERENITY: They, they . . . .

STICKLER: It's okay, I'm right here.

SERENITY: They were murdered.

STICKLER: God, baby, how did it happen?

SERENITY: It was . . . . they were . . . . Stickler, it's too much.

STICKLER: Okay, baby. You don't have to. (kisses her) Thank you for telling me.

SERENITY: Do you think I'm crazy, because of Damon?

STICKLER: No, I don't. You were a child that went through a very traumatic experience. You had to cope. But, do you need him now?

SERENITY: No?

STICKLER: No. You have me to protect you now. I'll get dinner started while you take that bath.

(STICKLER begins to exit, stops at the door)

STICKLER: I love you Seren.

SERENITY: I love you too.

(STICKLER exits. SERENITY pops more pills, covers her ears with her hands, and begins rocking back and forth. She doesn't see STICKLER enter)

SERENITY: See, Damon? He still loves me. I don't have to tell him everything. He loves me.

(STICKLER hangs his head, and exit. End of Scene Six)

Scene Seven

Same. SERENITY and NARCISSA are catching up, after months of not seeing each other.

SERENITY: Really?

NARCISSA: Glorified gopher should be my job title. Fetching coffee all day and dating the copy machine is not my idea of a good time. (dismissively) But you know what I mean.

SERENITY: I'm helping with the McNabe case.

NARCISSA: The cop killer? (fake sincerity) Well, good for you.

SERENITY: It's gotten so busy at the office. I feel like I live there.

NARCISSA: Stickler can't be happy about that.

SERENITY: We barely see each other. Hopefully, with our anniversary coming up . . . It seems like forever since I've seen you!

NARCISSA: I know! I've been crazy busy.

SERENITY: Are you still seeing Phil?

NARCISSA: Off and on. It's been . . . . interesting.

SERENITY: Interesting?

NARCISSA: Yea. (thoughtfully) How's sex with Stickler?

SERENITY: What?

NARCISSA: Is it routine?

SERENITY: I mean/

NARCISSA: /Do you think doing it only one way all the time is healthy?

SERENITY: What's this all about?

NARCISSA: Phil is supposed to be this lady's man, right? With the number of women he's claimed . . . . He has no clue.

SERENITY: Really?

NARCISSA: No clue.

SERENITY: Have you talked to him?

NARCISSA: And what do I say? 'Hey, Phil, taking it from behind every night is getting kind of old'.

SERENITY: Maybe not quite like that.

NARCISSA: I've tried everything. Lingerie, romantic dinners, role playing. But, I always end up on my knees. I never get to look into his eyes. We never connect. I've been racking my brain, and all I can come up with is Daddy.

SERENITY: What do you mean?

NARCISSA: Phil doesn't like how close we are. He's threatened.

SERENITY: That doesn't make any sense.

(During this bit about her father, NARCISSA floats between possibly confiding in SERENITY and continued denial)

NARCISSA: Maybe it does.

SERENITY: How?

NARCISSA: Do you think our relationship is normal?

SERENITY: I'm not really the one to ask. Mine wasn't typical, either.

NARCISSA: So you do think it's strange.

SERENITY: You two can be a bit overly affectionate.

NARCISSA: How can showing my father how much I love him be wrong?

SERENITY: I'm not saying that. But, I can see how someone looking in might think something else was going on.

NARCISSA: What do you mean, something else? . . . . Sexual?

SERENITY: For someone looking in.

NARCISSA: (stands) I can't believe this! You think my father molested me?!

SERENITY: Nar –

NARCISSA: – No! That's bullshit!

SERENITY: Okay, okay.

NARCISSA: Bull. Shit.

SERENITY: I'm sorry. I was wrong.

NARCISSA: Damn right.

(Pause)

SERENITY: So, what are you going to do about Phil?

NARCISSA: (sighs) I don't know. I really care about him. Lately, he seems distant. Like he's pulling away from me.

SERENITY: Do you think he's seeing someone else?

NARCISSA: Why would he? I'm all the woman that man will ever need.

SERENITY: Maybe that's it. Maybe it’s something else.

NARCISSA: What are you saying?

SERENITY: Nothing.

NARCISSA: No, really Serenity, you seem to be full of knowledge today. Please, enlighten me.

SERENITY: It's not my place.

(NARCISSA glares at SERENITY)

SERENITY: I saw him the other night, coming out of The Lecture Hall.

NARCISSA: The gay bar?

SERENITY: It's not really a gay bar. Lots of people/

NARCISSA: /Incredible. First you think my father's a pedophile, and now my man's a fag. What the hell is wrong with you?

SERENITY: Narcissa, please.

NARCISSA: I tried to do you a favor. Help you be more than just a pitiful excuse of a person. Got you that great job, that surprisingly, you seem to be excelling at. And how do you repay me?

SERENITY: That's a bit harsh.

NARCISSA: Harsh? Here's harsh. This . . . .

(NARCISSA walks to the door)

NARCISSA: I don’t need this shit.

(NARCISSA slams the door as she exits. End of Scene Seven)

Scene Eight

Same. SERENITY is cleaning while on the phone. There is a large knife on the coffee table, along with other dishes.

SERENITY: Come on; tell me where we're going. . . . I know it's a surprise, but how will I know what to wear?. . . . Casual or formal?. . . . Okay, okay, I'll be ready. . . . Nothing much, just straightening up a bit. . . . 7:00?. . . . Um, maybe we can make it for a little later tonight. . . . Well, you did spring this on me last minute. . . . I know it's our anniversary baby, but we could do something on the weekend. . . . It is important to me. . . . Narcissa's coming by. . . . She's already on her way. . . . Because we really need to talk.

(There's a knock at the door)

SERENITY: That's her now. . . . Yes, I promise to be ready when you get home. . . . . Love you too.

(SERENITY hangs up the phone and opens the door. PHIL enters, leaving the door open)

SERENITY: Oh, Phil, I thought you were – Stickler isn't here.

PHIL: Damn, I thought I might catch him. I was running a little late.

SERENITY: I'll let him know you came by.

(SERENITY moves towards the open door. PHIL looks at her, contemplates a moment, then moves deeper into the apartment)

PHIL: You know, since I'm here, maybe you and I can get to know each other better.

SERENITY: I'd like that, but maybe another time.

PHIL: You and Sticks have been together for a while now.

SERENITY: A year today.

PHIL: Wow, a year, huh? And I still know so little about you.

(PHIL sits on the couch)

SERENITY: And any other time, I'd be happy to/

PHIL: /Like, what do you do for fun?

SERENITY: What?

(PHIL pats the couch. SERENITY hesitantly sits next to him)

PHIL: Fun, Serenity. What do you like to do?

SERENITY: Maybe we could have this conversation some other time. I really need to/

PHIL: /Bowling? Movies? Putt Putt?

SERENITY: What?

PHIL: Do you like to do those things?

SERENITY: Yes, but/

PHIL: /Or maybe bar hopping is more your speed.

SERENITY: Bar hopping?

PHIL: You know, when you and a group of friends go from bar to bar/

SERENITY: /I know what bar hopping is.

PHIL: Do you have a favorite one?

SERENITY: Not really.

PHIL: No? Hmmm. What about The Lecture Hall?

( SERENITY stands)

SERENITY: (wrings her hands) The Lecture Hall?

PHIL: Yea. Ever been there?

SERENITY: You know as well as I do that I was there the other night.

PHIL: And you told Narcissa I was at a gay bar?

SERENITY: Phil, look, it's not a big deal.

PHIL: What isn't a big deal?

SERENITY: A lot of people go to gay bars, regardless of their sexuality.

PHIL: My sexuality? What the fuck does my sexuality have to do with anything? I'm not a fucking queer!

SERENITY: Phil, please, I 'm not judging you.

(PHIL grabs SERENITY'S shoulders)

PHIL: Do you think I give a fuck what you think about me?

SERENITY: You're hurting me.

PHIL: You're challenging my manhood!

SERENITY: I'm just trying to help. I know what it's like to hide who you really are.

(PHIL steps away from SERENITY, turns his back, and takes a calming breath)

PHIL: What the hell are you talking about now? You think I’m gay?

(SERENITY places a comforting hand on PHIL'S shoulder)

SERENITY: It’s not a big deal if you are. Stickler loves you. You won't lose his friendship.

(PHIL quickly turns towards SERENITY)

PHIL: You've talked to Stickler?

SERENITY: (backs up) No! Stickler and Narcissa both love you for who you really are.

PHIL: And you think fucking men is who I am? I'm Phil Lander. I've fucked almost every straight woman in this city. They know I'm a man.

SERENITY: This isn't a question of if you're a man or not.

PHIL: You seem to question it. What's with you chicks? Always making me prove myself.

SERENITY: You have nothing to prove to me.

PHIL: Maybe that's what you need. For me to show you how much of a man I am.

SERENITY: You're scaring me.

PHIL: Is that what you need, Serenity? A real man?

(PHIL unbuckles his belt)

All you had to do was ask.

SERENITY: Phil, please!

PHIL: You don't have to beg, Serenity.

(NARCISSA steps up to the opened door. PHIL throws SERENITY to the floor)

PHIL: I'll show you that I'm not a fucking queer!

(PHIL and SERENITY begin to struggle)

SERENITY: No! Don't!

PHIL: A man, Serenity! I'm a fucking man!

(SERENITY fights PHIL off, grabs the knife off the coffee table, and repeatedly stabs him. NARCISSA slowly walks into the apartment, as if in a trance. SERENITY looks up at NARCISSA, stands, moves her head side- to-side, stretching her neck)

NARCISSA: What have you done?!

(SERENITY looks down at the body and speaks in DAMON'S voice)

SERENITY: Getting rid of a little....problem.

(SERENITY slowly walks over to NARCISSA, wiping the knife on her shirt)

SERENITY: You'll make this more exciting for me, won't you?

NARCISSA: Wha/

SERENITY: /I want you to run.

NARCISSA: Plea/

SERENITY: /I said, run.

(NARCISSA bolts out the door)

SERENITY: Good girl.

(SERENITY runs after her. End of Scene Eight)

Scene Nine

Same. Stickler and Serenity enter the living room. He is checking his phone then looks up.

STICKLER: This is amazing!

SERENITY: What?

STICKLER: Oh my god, you cleaned.

SERENITY: Surprise! Happy Anniversary.

STICKLER: Everything is put away perfectly.

SERENITY: That’s what’s so amazing?

STICKLER: Well, kinda. Actually, I just read this text from Phil. He and Narcissa are going to Mexico to get married. Isn’t that crazy?

SERENITY: That’s totally crazy.

STICKLER: He says, “Yo dude. Me and my woman are gettin’ hitched in Mexico. Don’t call me. I’ll call you. I’ll be balls deep in margaritas and ass.”

SERENITY: (laughs) That is so Phil.

DAMON: Everything’s just the way it should be.

SERENITY: It is.

STICKLER: What?

(SERENITY draws STICKLER into a hug. She wickedly smiles at the audience)

SERENITY: Everything’s just the way it should be.

(La fin)