22 The award-winning student

newspaper of Imperial College . 01

“Keep The Cat Free” . Issue 1,450 10 felix felixonline.co.uk The Sound of This week.... 2010 University Challenge: Impe- felix’’ss alternative guide to who yyou’llou’ll be listening to rial double up Edinburgh this coming yearyear,, see page 14.

felix speaks to the Under Islamic Society about their News, Page 2 perceived scrutiny ICE: The way forward for extremism, environmental justice see page 5

Science, Page 8

A blagger’s guide: How to pretend to know about fi lm

Film, Pages 17

Brand New speak to our glorious Editor-in-Chief Boris Johnson squares up The Mayor of London visits Imperial to open Prince’s Gardens this week, see page 3 Music, Page 19 2 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 News Editor Kadhim Shubber NEWS [email protected]

Game, set, match Imperial College The world beyond College walls

Haiti

he most powerful earthquake to hit Haiti in two hundred years caused devastation in the country’s capital Port-au-Prince and the surrounding area. As many as 200,000 people are feared dead. TAt least 70,000 of the dead have already been buried, but accurate figures will take weeks to emerge. The Haitian parliament was destroyed during the earthquake, as were a third of the buildings in the capital, and lines of most communication. The government now convenes daily in a run-down police Some of you may want to marry these men,now. I’m swooning just writing this caption about them. Too la.... station near the airport. The UN mission in the country has also suffered heavily, losing many of its staff, including the head and deputy head of the mission. Aid started arriving several days after the incident, and has since KKawaiawai WongWong News Reporter place from a diagram of the knockout gained momentum, with the United States sending troops and aid through- stages of the tournament. Healy suc- Imperial’s Bonus Round Topics out the country. cessfully identified the starter diagram 1. British History (2 correct answers). France and the US almost got themselves embroiled in a diplomatic row On Monday, Imperial won the quar- together with three bonus diagrams 2. Shared Names (1 correct answer) after a French plane carrying a field hospital was turned back from the air- ter-finals match against Edinburgh leading to a 75-0 lead in the first 7 min- 3. Long Walks (1 correct answer) port at Port-au-Prince by the American forces running the overcrowded University in the latest University utes of the competition. 4. Picture Round – FIFA World Cup (3 airport. France’s International Co-operation Minister Alain Joyandet said correct answers) Challenge. Imperial needs one more Simon Good correctly identified 5. Girl’s Names Invented by Writers (1 “This is about helping Haiti, not about occupying Haiti.” French President win against either University of Man- Puccini as the composer of a piece of correct answer) Nicolas Sarkozy diffused the tension during a talk with President Obama, in chester or St John’s College Oxford to classical music during the first music 6. Historical,Administrative which they pledged to “unite their efforts to confront the urgent humanitar- secure a place in the semi-finals. round. Although the team failed to Subdivisions – (3 correct answers) ian situation.” The University Challenge team, led give any correct answers for this bonus 7. Terms Begin with the Prefix Poly – (2 by MSci Theoretical Physicist Gilead round regarding 19th century Italian correct answers) Amit, previously beat Southampton operas, Imperial was 105 points ahead 8. Music Round – 19th Century Italian Operas (0 correct answers) University and St. Hugh’s College Ox- of Edinburgh University after the 9. Literature – (1 correct answer) Japan ford with scores of 175-135 and 280- eighth starter question. 10. Picture Round – Identifying paintings 80. The team sustained the winning Edinburgh University Brechin an- depicting Greek philosophers (0 track to triumph 240-110 over Edin- swered all the questions to the bonus correct answers) sia’s biggest aircraft carrier, burgh University. of ‘identifying the Nobel Prize winners 11. French Cathedral with UNESCO Japan Airlines (JAL), has filed Chemist Ciaran Healy picked up half in Chemistry from the committee’s of- World Heritage Site Status – (3 for bankruptcy protection on of their fourteen correctly answered ficial citation’, closing up the gap brief- correct answers) Tuesday this week, in what is starter questions with Amit six, and ly. Imperial won 240-110 as the gong 12. Subscripts and Superscripts in oneA of the country’s biggest corporate Scientific Notation – (1 correct physicist Simon Good one. sounded. Imperial’s team of Gilead answer) failures. In the first picture round, the con- Amit, Simon Good, Ciaran Healy and 13. Archaic Place Names – (1 correct The airline owes more than $25 billion to testants were asked to identify the win- Ben Nicholson and Ed Brightman will answer) its creditors, and has vowed to cut 15,700 ning team, the host country and the be in the second round of the quarter- 14. Wine Grapes – (1 correct answer) jobs. A state-backed turnaround organisa- year which the FIFA World Cup took finals next week. tion has taken managerial control of the company, and injected 1 trillion yen ($11 billion) to keep the flights in the air. 22 Shares of JAL, have fallen more than 90 percent since the start of the month, Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. and with a market value of about $150 million, JAL is now smaller than mi-

Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, . nor carriers like Croatia Airlines, and is worth less than one Boeing 747. The Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. 01 bankruptcy has also had an impact on Japan’s politics. JAL’s problems can Jigsaw font by typotheque.com. fairly be blamed in part on past Liberal Democratic Party policy, but the re-

felix 1,450 . Copyright © Felix 2010. cently elected Democratic Party of Japan will have to take the blame if the 10 reborn carrier fails to soar. This issue of felix was brought to you by: Editor-in-Chief Deputy Editor Deputy Editor Copy Chief Somalia Dan Wan Kadhim Shubber Gilead Amit Sasha Nicoletti

News Editor Business Editor Travel Editors Puzzles Commodores he discovery of a second uranium enrichment plant near the Kadhim Shubber Sina Ataherian Dylan Lowe Sean Farres city The Maran Centaurus, a Greek-flagged supertanker cap- Olivia Davies Milli Begum Games Editors tured by Somali pirates on November 29th last year, has been Medic News Editor International Editor Katie Clemence released for a record ransom. Dina Ismail Raphael Houdmont Science Editors Sports Editors Adam Lane TSeveral reports about the ransom have emerged. One put the sum at Brigette Atkins Mustapher Botchway $5.5m, while the other said two separate sums of $7m and $2m had been Assistant Editor Film Editors Nathan Ley David Wilson Feature Editor paid. Both sums are far larger than the $3m generally believed to have been Jovan Nedić Zuzanna Blaszczak Indy Leclercq Afonso Campos paid in January last year for the release of the Saudi-owned Sirius Star, the Ed Knock Nightlife Editor largest ship seized by pirates. Layout Editor Charlotte Morris Arts Editors Holly Farrer The pirates have become increasingly bold and ventured ever further from Carlos Karingal Technology Editor Caz Knight Tabitha Skinner their shores since the international community has dispatched as many as 20 Samuel Gibbs What’s On Editors Rosie Milton Rhys Davies military ships to defend cargoes passing through the area. Despite this, last Comment Editor Rachel D’oliviero Lucy Harrold Alex Karapetian year saw another increase in the number of ships seized – 47, compared to Ravi Pall Fashion Editor Lily Topham Matt Colvin 42 in 2008. 11 ships, along with 266 crew members continue to be held off Kawai Wong Photography Lizzy Griffiths Somalia’s coast. Politics Editors: Coffee Break Editor Ben Smith Ayyub Kamaludin James Goldsack Music Editors Charles Murdoch Alex Karapetian Joanna Cai Katya-yani Vyas Kadhim Shubber Jamie Beal James Lees Alex Ashford Clubs and Socs Editor Catnip Editor Richard Howard By Raphael Houdmont, International Editor Phillip Murray Luke Turner Alex Kendall Rhys Davies Stefan Zeeman felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 3 [email protected] NEWS Political heavyweights visit Imperial Imperial is increasingly the go to place for leaders from a wide variety of political backgrounds, and as several visit the South Kensington campus this week, Features Editor Afonso Campos reports

he last week has seen a fore moving on to officially open the and Technology as well as Minister itself however, was to observe how our As part of the Fabian Society’s new flurry of big political hon- residence and the square. Of note in his of Earth Sciences. The visit comes as university operates its processes of year conference, Gordon Brown and chos visiting our South speech was the description of Imperial part of a week-long tour of a mission to transferring technological and scien- Peter Mandelson delivered what the T Kensington Campus. as “amongst the very finest of universi- further the educational bonds between tific research into applications that can media have started describing as the Boris Johnson, the ties”, adding that he also wanted to “see the United Kingdom and India. India be commercially viable and applicable first “keynote” speech of the new elec- floppy haired Mayor of London, has more Nobel Prize winners cut their is looking at ways in which it is able to to real-world scenarios. tion year. Gordon Brown’s speech was officially opened the £160 million teeth in South Kensington”. Humorous improve its higher education system Imperial Innovations is headed by Dr delivered in the morning, in the Great project of revitalizing Prince’s Gar- as always, Mr Johnson exclaimed that and is planning to create institutions Martin Knight, is a technology transfer Hall (Sherfield Building), kicking off a dens which was initiated in 2002 and penicillin, invented in London, can be company owned partly by the univer- day of other very high profile speakers, finally concluded this September with “very useful after a night out in Praed sity and it is based at the South Ken- including Peter Mandelson, the Secre- the completion of Eastside, ready to Street”. “[Imperial] is sington Campus. It has spawned over tary of State for Business, Innovation welcome students for the beginning of The new Acting Rector, Sir Keith 80 companies in the last decade and and Skills, Ken Livingstone and former the 2009/2010 academic year. Imperial O’Nions commented that as an insti- amongst the was the main focus of Mr Sibal’s visit. leader of the Liberal Democratic party, has owned the site since 1956. The site tution, “We’re all honoured that the Sir Keith, mentioned that he was “de- Vince Cable. Mr Brown stated that the is now comprised of nine halls of resi- Mayor is joining us to celebrate the very finest of lighted to welcome Mr Sibal to Impe- party was “fighting to win”, making full dence, a state-of-the-art sports centre, completion of the work”. Ashley Brown rial, and to discuss with him his very use of pathos, in what is already con- a shop and a brand new restaurant/bar the Union President, added that the universities” exciting and far-sighted approach to sidered a crucial speech that outlined that is highly popular with both stu- entire area has been “transformed higher education in India”. He added his party’s strategy of increasing so- dents and staff. from a rogue’s gallery of architectural that go by the name of “innovation uni- that as a university, Imperial has an ob- cial mobility - a theme that is due to Having arrived by bicycle, the Mayor disasters into a magnificent square”. versities”. Initially, these will focus on ligation to turn “research into tangible become the central issue of the cam- looked around the site and spoke to The College was also privy to a visit the prominent issues of health, envi- benefits to society”. paign. Given that this was a private students living in its newest hall, East- from Kapil Sibal, India’s relatively new ronment and reusable technologies in While unrelated to Imperial Col- event, merely held at Imperial, felix side. Mr Johnson was also cooked food Minister of Human Resource Devel- the power generation arena. The main lege directly, two heavyweights did was unable to reach any of the speak- for by some of the students there, be- opment. He is Minister of Science reason for the visit to Imperial College spend time on campus last Saturday. ers for comments.

Kapil Sabal explains where Liverpool’s tactics have been going wrong in recent weeks London Mayor Boris Johnson is disgusted by the miniscule size of the curtains

Boris Johnson Kapil Sabal Gordon Brown Prince’s Gardens Fabian Society • Born in New York City • Born 1948 in Punjab • Born in Glasgow, Scotland • Acquired in 1956 • New Labour associated • Educated at Eton and • Masters in Law from • Elected as Labour MP in • First residences opened in think tank Ballion College, Oxford Harvard Law School 1983 1963 • Founded in April 1884 • Elected as MP for Henley • MP for Chandni Chowk in • Was Chancellor of the • Ethos opens to students • Prominent former in 2001 2004 Exchequer 1997-2007 April 2006 members include: Imperial • Former Vice-Chairman of • Current Minister of Human • Became Prime Minister • Southside reopens alumnus H.G. Wells, the Conservative Party Resource Development in 2007 after Tony Blair September 2007 George Bernard Shaw and • Became Mayor in 2008 and Minister of Science stepped down • Eastside opens September Virginia Woolf and Technology 2009 4 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 NEWS [email protected] NOT WHO YOU THINK WE ARE DAN WAN SPEAKS TO ISLAMIC SOCIETY’S PRESIDENT, SALMAN BUTT, ABOUT THE SPOTLIGHT THAT UCL’S DETROIT BOMBER HAS BROUGHT

hockwaves of anger and relief rated into the community at Imperial.” as he avoids demonizing people with ex- like Butt, but yet people are inspecting reverberated across the world tremist views, just like the British press have others just like him a bit too closely. “I on Christmas Day 2009 on the * done, but never gives the impression that he know several people whose houses have S news of Umar Farouk Abdul- IMPARTIAL IMPERIAL agrees with these views either. It is almost been raided for no reason and haven’t been mutallab’s failed bombing of The week after Abdulmutallab’s failed bomb like he is caught in two minds over defend- charged. They’re just regular people Northwest Airlines Flight 253, en route attempt, Anthony Glees, Professor of Secu- ing his fellow Muslims and condemning like you and me.” from Amsterdam to Detroit. rity and Intelligence studies at the University their views and actions, which are deemed Throughout our 40-minute conver- As news reports covered Boxing Day’s press, of Buckingham was quoted as saying that “all widely unacceptable to have. However, he sation, Butt is eager to push the idea it was revealed that he was an Engineering British universities must look at their Islamic strikes a fine balance in doing both. of criminal activity, not just terrorism, graduate of University College London (UCL), Societies and demand assurances that no He states, “There’s no reason why we should away from student societies like his at and during his time there, became President radicalisation will be allowed. If they can’t give harbour any ill feelings towards anyone that Imperial. His point is that just because of the university’s Islamic Society. those assurances, they should be disbanded.” doesn’t agree with us on certain issues. Every- the guilty party is part of his society does Abdulmutallab became the fourth Islamic After hearing the argument, Butt takes one should have the right to have an opinion not mean the society is guilty. Society President in London to be arrested time to consider his immediate thoughts, on certain atrocities that have happened, as “If you see it from our perspective, the in four years, and with this latest case being and is eventually inconclusive. Demanding long as they don’t break the law doing it. That’s vilification of Islamic societies harbouring so high-profile, it is only inevitable that stu- assurances that nothing questionable is go- a whole different kettle of fish.” terrorists is like if someone went to Sains- dent Islamic societies are increasingly sub- ing on within a society is not as clear-cut as His open-mindedness is not something he bury’s and then accused them of harbouring ject to the media’s magnifying glass. Professor Glees demands. feels national authorities are appreciating. terrorism; the link is tenuous. We don’t train Top: Islamic “I find it difficult to prove that someone As he talks, he is obviously frustrated by the people to go break the law! If someone com- Society * isn’t breeding radicalisation, because how fact that national authorities, the media and mits a crime, it’s upon them. They’re also at President, TERRORISM AT IMPERIAL? can you prove something doesn’t exist, how hence the public are taking a such a heavy Imperial, live in London, shop at a certain Salman Butt Imperial is one of the closest universities to can you assure someone that nothing is hap- hand in their dealings with suspicious stu- place, are part of a certain mosque and part says, “The UCL, both academically and geographically, pening? You have to show something is hap- dent societies. To prove a point, he likens of a certain society, it doesn’t mean they’ve Friday sermon and in 2005 was listed by the Guardian as pening as the opposite, or otherwise?” the Islamic society to any other society at been influenced by all of these things to do is in the Union one of the many UK universities that had We move onto matters closer to home, and I Imperial on several occasions, and you can something.” Building extremist groups operating within its ranks. ask how he’d deal with members of the society see why he does it. The term ‘Islamic soci- (pictured)! This came after Babar Ahmed, a member that harboured views that wouldn’t hold well ety’ carries an unfavourable stigma, and re- * Everything’s of College IT staff was accused of having de- placing the description ‘Islamic’ with some- WHO’S RESPONSIBLE? out in the tailed plans for attacking a US warship on thing like ‘knitting’ serves the argument Many fear that a way student extremists are open. We’re his personal computer. Ahmed was arrested “...there is obviously extremely well. influencing others with their radical beliefs is not having in 2004 and remains behind bars without a “Someone could use an Islamic society, or via the invitation of guest speakers to events any secret conviction to this day; he currently stands a lens which people even a baking or knitting society to promote held by student societies. In 2008, Imperial gatherings.” as the longest detained-without-trial British any agenda,” he jovially answers when I ask saw a fiasco unfold as ex-Malaysian Prime citizen whilst fighting a court case to pre- look at Muslims him if extremists are using student societies Minister, Mahathir bin Mohamad visited Middle: vent his extradition to the USA. as platforms for promoting dangerous beliefs. Imperial on the invitation of Political & Phil- Headlines through.” osophical Society. His controversial opin- reporting the * * ions as a terrorism-sympathiser sparked off aftermath of THE ‘IRRESPONSIBLE’ MEDIA UNDER THE MAGNIFYING GLASS many security and censorship concerns, and Abdul- In light of recent events, felix spoke to Is- in the public eye. I get the impression that he “People in Islamic societies are now those it ended with a high-up College authority mutallab’s lamic Society President, Salman Butt, and has encountered such perspectives, but they who get the finger pointed at them in the banning all external media and attendance failed bombing asked him how the media’s attention on are not ones that he particularly shares. media,” he sighs. “A lot of members of Is- from the event twenty minutes before it was on 25 Dec student Islamic societies has changed his When I ask him if he thinks that extremist lamic societies may get arrested and get due to commence. UCL have been criticised 2009 experience as the leader of what he believes views are flying under his radar, and hence charged under certain anti-terror rules that by the media for not monitoring their stu- a peaceful and open society. also the College’s, he states that he sees the we have in this country, unfortunately. That dents’ activities, namely Abdulmutallab’s, He is seemingly most perturbed by how Islamic Society as place for dialogue and a doesn’t mean they are actually terrorists or closely enough, including the guest speakers the ‘irresponsible’ national media are por- source of advice. He feels that it is not his, or have committed anything.” The mention of he invited as part of a now well-publicised traying student societies like his, and what the society’s, place to shut anyone’s mouth by Babar Ahmed is lingering in the air. He is War on Terror week he helped organise. impression that gives to the public. force, including one that may be spitting nails. quite clearly famous for all the wrong rea- Since Mahathir bin Mohamad’s visit, Col- “Islamic Society at Imperial is very differ- “I don’t condemn people for having certain sons, and his strong connections with Impe- lege and the Union screen any guest speaker 228 ent to the media’s impression of us, that it is views or opinions, but if there were radical rial College, the institution we are both sit- invited to the university. Students must have members of a breeding ground for terrorism and there’s opinions like that, we would discuss them.” ting within, suddenly gives the conversation a Guest Speaker Form approved by security Islamic Society strange things going on. But if you have a Even though Imperial College Union have a very realistic twist. before their event planning can proceed. I in 2008/09 close look at any Islamic society at any uni- little in the way of a political agenda, free- “There are so many people in prison with- asked Butt what he thought of the protocols versity, you’ll find they’re just normal people speech is traditionally important for stu- out having a sentence put on them such as used by College, and the pride of his re- as such and they’re not up to any mischief.” dents’ political weight in society. Butt rec- Babar Ahmed, from Imperial. He’s still in sponse almost renders it a statement. He is very understanding of the situation ognizes this and reiterates his standpoint. prison and hasn’t been convicted of any- “I guess they’re effective. We’ve never had 12 he finds himself in, but realises the potential “That is what university is about, we can’t thing. I know it’s because there’s an atmos- any problem. Our society’s axiom of every- lifetime detriments it might bring the society. just force these people to hide their views phere of fear and so on, but when it comes thing we do is to prevent any harm before “Its quite funny but when you think about and go underground; everyone has an opin- to Islamic societies there is obviously a lens you attain any benefit. This is something memberships it, if that’s the only exposure people are get- ion. It’s not a sin or anything to have one which people look at Muslims through.” from Islamic principles that we encourage. of Islamic ting, people get scared. The sad thing is par- opinion,” he says. He makes the point that it The metaphorical idea of a lens which So if there is a speaker that was deemed Society bought ents might tell their children not to come to is not a matter of wrong or right, but differ- the public think they have the right to look controversial, though there might be a ben- in 2008/09 us and not get involved. That just leads to ence in opinion. I feel he’d make an excellent at Islam through resonates greatly with me. efit bringing him in, regarding freedom of them being loners and not being incorpo- politician, and there is something to admire There is no reason to distrust an honest man speech and he may have some good ideas, felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 5 [email protected] NEWS

“If you see it from College staff member our perspective, the Dealing with attacks student’s vilification of Islamic controversy societies harbouring guest at Union terrorists is like if someone went to felix quizzes Union President Ashley Brown on the Union’s policy regarding guest speakers DanDan WanWan Editor-in-Chief The man arrested has since been found to be a former member of Col- Sainsbury’s then lege staff who works in Registry. He How would you come to a decision if a contentious Guest Speaker Violence erupted at the Union on Fri- was at the Union celebrating his last accused them of Request Form was put on your desk? day night after a guest of an Imperial day of work at Imperial. Google, consultation with the College secretary and Pro-Rector student was left with a bloody face harbouring terrorism; (education), or Dean of Students. However, there’s nothing wrong with after being attacked by a member of students hearing from contentious speakers in fact, university should be a College staff on his last day of work. “The situation the link is tenuous.” place where people’s views are challenged. The issue comes where a speaker Reports from the night suggest the tries to recruit or radicalise. attack was unprovoked and sudden, ended with the and occurred at around 1.30am as the How do you pre-empt a speaker looking to push his extreme beliefs Union event wound down. attacker being on students? The situation ended well after clos- ideas, the controversy that could be caused Well, in a lot of cases you can’t tell until they’re here, but there’s not much ing time with the attacker being es- escorted into a is enough for us to raise a flag and so we you can do about that. Unless you want to ask the security services to give corted into a police car on Prince Con- wouldn’t invite them. If the speaker is Mus- sort Road.The confrontation was said you a yay or nay, which a bit too close to an authoritarian government for police car on Prince lim, they will understand, it is a well known to have risen in dB’s nightclub when axiom in our religion.” my liking. the guest and his group of friends, Consort Road.” Alongside his own judgment, Butt also whom were all Imperial students, left believes the healthy relationship he has with Surely you have to question the motives of the students inviting such the sofa they were at to buy drinks. College authorities creates a “really good a speaker in the first place? Shortly after, the unnamed guest was The College Registry regularly deals balance” at Imperial. He adds, “We’ve got What if I decided, say, to invite Nick Griffin to speak? Should the approached by a man described to be with student welfare matters including the freedom to operate but they also have assumption be that I’m a big racist, or that I wanted him somewhere where in his early thirties wanting to use the admissions, financial hardships and the safety procedures such as speaker clear- he could prove what a complete cock he is? I would, though, expect a sofa. His immediate behaviour was examination procedures. ance checks by security. Also, we have such responsible club or society to organise balanced discussions, so if they described as drunkenly aggressive, A spokesperson for Imperial stated, a close relationship with Andrew Willson, wanted someone with a contentious viewpoint, they had someone there and when he was politely refused per- “Imperial regrets to confirm that on the Chaplain, and Sir Keith O’Nions, the to argue against it too. mission to use the sofa, he lashed out Saturday 16 January at approximately Rector. We regularly exchange emails. They with his fists at the guest. 1am, a former member of staff was al- do keep an eye out on us but its not spying. Understandably shocked, the guest legedly involved in a physical assault on It’s a healthy exchange of information. If no Would you not be then concerned that he could get through to even was led out of the Union building as a guest in one of the College’s student one knew about us, and we weren’t doing a tiny percentage of his audience? Even if it was just one person security started the search for the at- union bars. Union staff and stewards events, that harbours suspicion.” believing things that would detrimental to society if they were to come tacker. After some first-aid treatment promptly called an ambulance and the Butt also feels the detriment of the public to fruition. to a several-inch long cut above his police and administered first aid to the attention Muslims have received in the past But much like we can tell that Nick Griffin is bad, you can’t tell that about right eyebrow, the guest was inter- victim, who was subsequently treated decade has added another dimension to some extremist people. We could just as easily find that one of our clubs had viewed by Union security and stew- in hospital for cuts to the face. Muslim students wanting to live a politically invited someone associated with the BNP that no-one had information on. ards. He decided to press charges, “The incident is now being inves- pro-active life at university. How would you know? The only way to be absolutely sure is to stop clubs and the police and ambulance were tigated by the police, and the College “Some people might hold political views, inviting external speakers or monitor what all of them say which is clearly subsequently called. The victim was has no further comment to make at I don’t myself, but we live in a climate that ridiculous. What is important is to maintain a good dialogue with clubs who later taken to hospital. this stage.” if Muslim people are interested in politics, want to invite speakers who might be considered contentious. and a non-Muslim person is interested in politics, they won’t really be seen the same. For example, if someone disagrees with UK So, what’s the solution? Foreign Policy, if he’s a Muslim, it’s ques- If you want to keep universities as places where conventional views are tioned,” he says. challenged, there isn’t one. Keeping an opening dialogue helps, but things can always slip through. That’s the insanity with the UCL situation. * SAFETY NETS A thought crosses my mind, and I wander if he comes across any unprovoked hostility Standpoint of London’s students on campus. “Not really personally, there’s an odd post President of the UCL Islamic Society on a forum here and there and you have to live with that. If you give someone a plat- Mojeed Adams-Mogaji, on Abdulmutallab and student extremism form like that, if they have hostile views, “As a society, we unequivocally and in very clear terms denounce they come forward,” he confesses. My mind all acts of terrorism and violence regardless of the perpetrator. It is flashes back to Live!, Imperial’s student news website that allows users to post feed- important to realise that as long as this expression [of extremism] back anonymously. What Butt has pointed does not incite violence or break the law, then it should not only be out certainly rings true when it comes to the permissible but fostered for academic student debate. Never has a message board posts relating to the stories speaker invited by the UCL Islamic Society espoused views on campus of Babar Ahmed’s arrest in 2004. He does which would incite violence or would have broken the law.” however, encourage people to report any “physical or verbal abuse”, especially if they are not confident enough to report it due A member of LSE Islamic Society to intimidation. With a cautious smile, pre- Regarding Reza Pankhurst, a regular speaker with radical views sumably of relief, he adds, “Although thank- fully Imperial isn’t a place where people “He preaches every other week and is constantly bringing the subject lower themselves to that degree.” Whilst the around the need to establish the Caliphate [Islamic state]. Only last media broadly announces that terrorism is week he was talking about the Detroit bomber and saying the guy was being developed under the safety blanket of university campuses, as in Abdulmutallab’s not radicalised in London and it was all to do with foreign policy. case, Imperial’s campus and community Last year he recommended we should attend a conference which I later is Butt’s own safety blanket away from the discovered was organised by Hizb ut-Tahrir [a government-monitored public’s spotlight of condemnation. He then hardline Islamic group], but he never mentions the party by name.” adds, “But then there’s still the surrounding community.” Roger loved standing in doorways alone whilst his friends went drinking 6 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 NEWS [email protected] Exhibition Road Project opposed by charities

restricted to 20mph. Guide Dogs, in SSinaina AAtaheriantaherian News Reporter leading the group of 30 charities in ap- plying for a second High Court hear- The Exhibition Road Project has come ing, responded that tactile boundaries up against a hurdle still standing after are “untested.” a group of 30 charities are looking to In December, when interviewed by carry on fighting their case to stop the felix, Project Leader, Councillor Ni- removal of pavements on Exhibition cholas Paget-Brown from the Royal road, creating a shared space for pe- Borough of Kensington and Chelsea ar- destrians and traffic. gued the removal of formal pavements On Friday they applied for a second would benefit disabled people. High Court hearing to challenge the He said, “the kerb itself is a trip haz- legality of the £25 million plans, which ard and is not actually an ideal barrier one of the charities, Guide Dogs, for people with physical disabilities. So claims will endanger the safety of visi- removing the kerbs can be very helpful.” tors, particularly the blind, disabled, He was also certain that guide dogs elderly and children. The charities are would be able to distinguish pedestri- hoping to reverse a High Court ruling anised and motorway sections of the made last month that that the appli- surface, stating, “It is certainly possible cation for judicial review of the pave- to train guide dogs to recognize a strip ment removal project was “premature.” of corduroy paving all away up.” Guide Dogs claims that the plan is Tom Pey, from Guide Dogs, said: “dangerous and unlawful.” “The council has repeatedly ignored The charities serve disabled people our research and representations from and are concerned about the possible other organisations, as well as our ‘Say safety implications of the project, par- No to Shared Streets Campaign’ which ticularly for these vulnerable groups. is supported by 30 disability groups.” It is not hard to see why some peo- There is currently academic research ple may be concerned about creating being done on the concept of shared a zone for joint use by both cars and zones for use by both pedestrians and pedestrians, especially when the areas traffic. The government has delayed attracts more than 11 million visitors giving advice on the issue until the a year. The council has sought to al- results of that research are published. leviate these fears by reminding con- An alternative proposal, which has not cerned individuals and groups that the received much support, is for Exhibi- boundaries of a pedestrian zone would tion Road to be closed to traffic during be clearly marked by a “tactile cordu- periods of heavy pedestrian use, such roy delineator” and that traffic will be as during the day and at weekends. Artist’s impression of what Exhibition Road will look like come 2012. No guide dogs pictured. COINCIDENCE?!

Imperial College ranks top university for LGBT employment Stonewall’s Top LGBT Employers JJoannaoanna CCaiai News Reporter 1. IBM 2. Hampshire Constabulary Imperial College London has been listed among Stonewall’s Top 100 Em- 3. Ernst & Young ployers 2010 for being one of the top 4. Brighton & Hove City employers of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi- sexual and transgender) people. The Council Workplace Equality Index, released 5. Goldman Sachs on 13th January, places Imperial at 6. Home Office number 79 ahead of the only other HEI (higher education institution) in the 7. London Borough of list, Liverpool John Moores University, Tower Hamlets which follows at 85. Rector Sir Keith O’Nions welcomed 8. Manchester City Council the news by saying: “Imperial’s great 9. Kent Police 9 Nacro strength lies in the people who work 11= Environment Agency here and we can’t afford to let tal- ent go to waste due to ignorance or for England & Wales prejudice.” He added: “Making it into 11= London Borough of Stonewall’s Index of Top 100 Employ- ers is a real milestone for us and sends secure civil partnerships. Stonewall is Imperial. He welcomed the good news disability, religion and gender are all Islington a strong message that discrimination part of the Equality and Diversity Fo- but also stressed that although “this is widely accepted as deserving equality 13= Merseyside Police based on sexual orientation has no rum which is a group of organisations fantastic for the staff, there is a long but according to Chris, there remains a 13= Transport for London place on our campuses and will not be with an aim to address and progress way to go for the student body”. He certain “taboo” associated with sexual tolerated.” Imperial was one of the first on age, disability, gender, race, reli- admitted that if there was to be a Top orientation. 15. Simmons & Simmons HEIs to take part in Stonewall’s Diver- gion and belief, and sexual orientation 100 list of LGBT-friendly universities, Nevertheless, Imperial’s place on 16. Gentoo Group sity Champions Programme which al- issues. In January 2009, Imperial re- Imperial might well not feature. the Top 100 Employers list is an offi- 17= East Sussex County lows employers to work with Stonewall launched the staff advisory group Im- Unlike the staff advisory group Im- cial indication that Imperial is striving in promoting equality for LGBT peo- perial 600 which ensures that all Col- perial 600 who received a boost in towards equality for LGBT staff, and Council ple in the workplace. lege policies afford the same right to funds accompanying their relaunch, hopefully the recent efforts among the 17= Foreign & Since 1989, Stonewall has been a LGBT people as everybody else. Rec- as well as increased efforts towards staff will also be seen within the stu- professional lobby group aimed at pre- tor O’Nions pointed out, “My thanks achieving diversity and equality, the dent community. Commonwealth Office venting the stigmatising and attack of and congratulations go in particular to student LGBT community has seen no Please visit www.stonewall.org.uk for 19= Nottinghamshire LGBT people. Over the years, Stone- the members of Imperial 600 for lead- such additional support. more information on their work. There Healthcare NHS Trust wall has successfully campaigned on ing the work that has made this suc- Hostility towards LGBT students at is a Graduate Recruitment Guide avail- numerous fronts which include lifting cess possible.” Imperial remains a problem, and Chris able on www.startingoutguide.org.uk 19= West Midlands Police the ban on lesbians and gay men serv- felix spoke to Chris Darby who is the feels that the diversity that exists at which features organisations that work ing in the military, as well as helping to President of IQ, the LGBT society at Imperial is bittersweet. Issues of race, alongside Stonewall. felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 7

Business Editor Sina AtaherianAtaherian BUSINESS [email protected]

Democrats lose seat Goldman Sachs employees earning The election of a Republican in Massachusetts shows US public healthy bonuses after strong profits Goldman Sachs has received much criticism for paying large bonuses even after anger at Obama’s economic and healthcare policies being bailed out of bankruptcy by the American taxpayer. But with so many students here at Imperial thinking of going into investment banking after their degrees, it might be nice to reflect on how well you can do, even after your firm and industry fail big time. Below is a list compiled by ABC News of 10 Goldman employees likely to earn bonuses of more than $10 million this year:

Traders 1 – Pierre-Henri Flamand is a French-born 39-year-old who was rumoured to have been paid $100 million a few years ago (Goldman denied it). Flamand is the London-based global head of Goldman’s purely proprietary trading group, Goldman Sachs Principal Strategies. Goldman CEO Blankfein has said pure prop trading is only 10 percent of the firm’s trading revenues and profits.

2 – Ashok Varadhan, one of Goldman’s top fixed-income guns, is the global head of foreign exchange trading in North America. Varadhan, who was made partner in 2002 at age 29, owns luxury digs in the same New York apartment building as Blankfein. Varadhan’s dad, Srinivasa, teaches math at New York University. He had a brother, Gopal, who worked as a trader for Cantor Fitzgerald and was killed in the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center.

3 – David Heller joined Goldman in Asia in the late 1980s. He has risen within the firm, becoming the head of global equity a few years ago. Last year, he was named co-head of the Securities Division. Goldman’s equities division delivered $2.8 billion in revenues in the third quarter alone. “Heller is possibly the one person other than Gary [Cohn, Goldman’s president] who could someday succeed Blankfein,” said one Wall Street headhunter.

4 – Ed Eisler is head of interest rate trading, which is part of Goldman’s most profitable division, Fixed Income Commodities and Currency. The FICC group contributed the lion’s share of the firm’s $24 billion in trading revenues recorded through the first nine months of the year.

Asset Managers 5 – Raanan Agus, 41-year-old manager of Goldman Sachs Investment Partners, a $7 billion hedge fund created at the start of 2008. Agus, a world-class chess enthusiast who is known to prefer Honda minivans to Hummers, runs the GSIP fund within Goldman’s asset management division, which has nearly $1 trillion under management. Through the first half of the year, Agus’ GSIP, which had a rocky 2008, was said to have had gains of around 6 percent.

6 – Marc Spilker, who helps run Goldman’s entire massive investment management business, recently made the kind of headlines his bosses hate. He got into a vitriolic public dispute with his East Hampton neighbour, hedge fund heavyweight Jim Chanos, over a shared pathway to the beach near their homes. Spilker’s area produces nearly $1 billion in revenues each quarter.

Salespeople 7 – Harvey Schwartz, Goldman’s head of global sales and a co-head of the firm’s securities division. “People don’t realize how much sales drives Goldman’s business,” said one Wall Street headhunter. “Harvey is always among the firm’s n Tuesday, the Mas- what we believe in and why.” Brown has been running as an in- best paid people.” sachusetts Senate race Brown’s victory comes on top of de- dependent, going around the state in a pick-up truck and asking famous 8 – Isabelle Ealet, London-based global head of commodities and who runs was won by the Repub- cisions by five House Democrats since the sales team for this hugely successful trading operation. She ranks No. 32 on O lican candidate, Scott November, to retire instead of face po- Republican politicians not to actively Fortune magazine’s list of the most powerful women in business. Brown. His Demo- tentially tough races later this year, as campaign for him. This led Massa- cratic rival Martha Coakley put up a well as Democratic losses in the New chusetts’ former Republican Governor Bankers pathetically weak fight. Her official Jersey and Virginia gubernatorial races Paul Cellucci to conclude that, “the 9 – Gordon Dyal, global head of mergers and acquisitions. According to campaign literature misspelt the word in that month. The Republicans now message for the national Republican Deallogic, Goldman ranked No.1 in global M&A transactions through the first Massachusetts, and she confused the have 41 seats in the Senate, which al- Party should be, even though peo- three-quarters of the year. Its investment banking division had produced $3.2 Boston Red Sox with the New York lows them to filibuster legislation. Cru- ple aren’t happy with the Democrats billion in net revenue. In one of the biggest fee-generating deals of the year, Yankees (Boston is the capital of Mas- cially, it should allow them to block the right now, if we get back to power we Goldman advised Burlington Northern Santa Fe when the railroad was bought sachusetts). Brown was able to win the Democrat’s proposed socialisation of can find ways to be independent and out for $44 billion by Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway. seat despite Republicans being out- healthcare. be bipartisan. People are sick of this 10 – Richard Friedman, 51-year-old head of Goldman’s merchant banking numbered three to one in the state. Given the signals that this has sent partisanship.” division. A few years ago he helped pull off the historic initial public offering His victory sends an especially clear about the current political sentiments Brown will serve the rest of the late of the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China. Goldman has maintained a message about Obama’s falling pres- of the American people, Brown’s elec- Senator Ted Kennedy’s term, until modest investment stake in ICBC, which continues to produce eye-popping tige and the Democrats’ momentum tion should make it less likely that January 2013. He replaces Paul Kirk, a returns – ICBC shares yielded Goldman $1.1 billion worth of revenue through heading into the 2010 campaign sea- moderate Republicans, such as Olym- close friend of Ted Kennedy who was the first nine months of 2009. son, because he had chosen to make pia Snowe, will back the Democrats on appointed by Democratic Governor signature issues out of the key divid- key current issues such as the Demo- Deval Patrick on Sept 24 to temporar- The complaints about excessive bonuses at the big investment banks, especially ing lines in US politics today. cratic healthcare proposals, which are ily fill the vacant seat. Goldman, have not just been coming from politicians and the media. The Massachusetts Republicans had being held in the Senate. Ironically, Mr. Kirk could have Security Police and Fire Professionals of America Retirement Fund has filed feared that voters may choose the It could even encourage some of the served out the remainder of Ted Democratic candidate out of pure moderate Democrats such as Blanche Kennedy’s term but for recent Demo- a shareholder lawsuit against the bank, naming its CEO Lloyd Blankfein and habit. The seat has been in Kennedy Lincoln to vote with the Republicans cratic legislation that requires special other leading executives as defendants. The suit is seeking to recover billions of hands for over half a century and on such matters. The Senate Demo- elections for vacant Senate seats in the dollars that Goldman has paid to its employees in bonuses over the past couple Democratic since the early ‘20s. Seek- cratic leadership may now try to force Commonwealth. of years. ing to address this issue Brown had through the Healthcare Bill before That legislation was passed at a time Occae por secturi doluptas et quas noted that, “this Senate seat belongs Scott is seated. However, there is op- when a Democratic state legislature reAlthough es dollam, the bank quatem has repaid sitaquam its TARP money, its critics claim that it has also to no one person, no one political par- position to that, even from some Dem- feared that then Republican Governor, essiminctemunfairly benefited enis et from molupta its bonds velectem being backed by the government at no cost, as ty. This is the people’s seat.” ocrats such as Senator Jim Webb, who Mitt Romney would appoint a Repub- nienitiaewell as from ventotat the bailout et autatione of AIG, suntis in which it was a major shareholder. However, John Walsh, Chairman of the Mas- said in a statement that it would be lican to fill John Kerry’s seat. A seat eumeven verepedin recent years,ut plitat the USanditatibus. governement has gained vastly more in tax revenue sachusetts Democratic Party, blamed “fair and prudent” to suspend further which was supposed to be vacated by Niafrom vidunt the bank laboremporem than it has spent rem bailing qui it out. the Party and the campaign that it ran, votes on healthcare legislation until Kerry winning the 2004 United States “we have to get better at describing Brown is seated. Presidential elections. 8 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 Comment Editor RaviRavi PallPall COMMENT [email protected] Ali Jawad on the lack of human rights in Gaza “Damage to the economy is not as serious as its effect on living conditions and health services”

4th December, 2008. Many of Human Rights. However, this con- carrying the remains of what used to has become more than a regular visi- lay tattered amongst the smouldering of us were most likely sit- trasts drastically with figures presented be her living, breathing child, had to tor to the region; it is almost routine, remains of war. ting at home with the family, by the opposing Israeli Defence Force, be seen to be understood. As John and residents’ hopes for a positive Yet the 2008/2009 war was also dif- 2 enjoying a peaceful night in, with 1100 Palestinian mortalities, and Snow also stated: ‘Wrapped remains future are undoubtedly deteriorating ferent in another sense; it resonated or out partying with friends, the ratio of civilians to militia reversed. and wailing women shock, but do not day by day. Yet war does not stop at uncomfortably with a public previous- as Christmas Eve should be. Yet some The discrepancy between statistics, connect in the same way. We see the ‘mere’ fighting – 2006 is notable for ly apathetic to the goings-on in the ter- 2000 miles away, the mood could not not to mention the barring of reporters image, we know it’s bad, but we do not the Israeli sanctions on Gaza, which ritory. Support from all over the globe be more different. On a 25-mile strip from entering the war zone, highlights experience the emotion. When the in the following year manifested into has poured in, and people, a vast pro- of coastal land steeped in history, the shrouded nature of this particular Israelis exclude the media, they know a merciless blockade that has yet to be portion of them students, have rallied controversy and conflict, fighting had clash. Channel 4 news stalwart John what they are doing.’ lifted, despite calls from major powers in their furious shouts for ‘something once again broken out. This foresaw Snow, viewing the clash from a hilltop As we look back on history, we only and figures worldwide. The damage to be done’, for ‘Human Rights to be ac- more tears and bloodshed in the area outside the Gazan borders, reported: need to go as far as the new Millen- to the economy is not nearly as seri- knowledged’, for ‘the murder to cease’. famously dubbed ‘the world’s larg- ‘As with every military conflict, the nium to gather a veritable number of ous as its brutal effect on living con- Aside from major charities such as est open-air prison’ – a fitting name inevitable first casualty is the truth... past conflicts, setting aside the count- ditions and the health services. With- UNICEF and British Red Cross pledg- for the territory, walled-off and under caught in a pincer movement of lack of less wars dating back to the historical out running water and electricity, and ing their aid, numerous smaller chari- strict constant surveillance, encapsu- access, and our own regulations’. Even formation of the State of Israel in 1948. lacking supplies, Gaza slowly began ties have sprung up to play their part. lating a million and a half people, many UN Representatives were restricted The years 2000, 2001, 2002 and 2003 to wither, with hospitals producing The recent conflict in particular saw a innocent children unknowing of what from investigating accounts of numer- have all hosted major clashes between horrific numbers of mortalities. Yet nationwide student backlash - student would befall them. War had once more ous war crimes and severe breaches of Israeli Forces and Palestinian Militia, amidst the cries, Egypt, once a sym- activism took hold of the universities, struck Gaza, Palestine, already decrep- humanitarian law, such as the shelling with the unavoidable involvement of pathiser with the victims, sealed off in a manner somewhat reminiscent of it from years of repeated battles. of a former UN school-turn-refugee the densely-populated Gaza. Yet it was passage and aid with a barrier of their the days of the Vietnam War. This Jan- Yet this recent conflict, referred to as camp, resulting in the reported deaths 2004 that marked the first of a series own, leaving what seemed to be almost uary will herald Gaza Awareness week ‘The Gaza War’, spurned tragedies un- of 40 Palestinians. Statistics can only of Gaza-centred urban skirmishes, no way out. Finally, the impoverished in Imperial College London, orches- precedented on these grounds, with an show a small portion of war – the true with reiterations in the second half of enclave was struck further when the trated by Ahlul Bayt Society, providing estimated death toll of 1400 Palestin- horrors, such as countless bodies lying 2006, 2007-2008 and, most recently, Gaza War inflicted another $2 billion an opportunity for you to get involved ians, over 900 of whom were civilians, in blood-spattered rubble, or a hysteri- the 17-day massacre of December worth of damage. And Human Rights? or even just to educate yourself about as reported by the Palestinian Centre cal mother rushing through the streets 2008 to January 2009. Major fighting The great papers of Declaration now this worthy cause. Ken Wu on the glamour of American democracy “...like Pamela Anderson, American democracy is unfortunately all show and no

he American campaign alluring factor of election season be- Prize (ironically “Change” essentially sults are seen. thing done and if it takes 11 months to trail is a thing of beauty. comes irresistible. If anyone has seen/ won him the election). Obama has It is easy to criticise the US Congress pass a healthcare bill then how can a An exhibition of pure de- iPlayered the film about the election just about tried everything to make on delaying issues for the sake of po- president deliver on his promises high- T mocracy at work, it really story of Barack Obama last week, they an impact but even the air of promise litical shenanigans but I think the US lighted so poetically in the campaign? encapsulated Churchill’s will have see the struggles, hopes and has been suffocated by the poisons of Democratic system is to blame. Yes I really do hope the idea of democ- quotation: “It has been said that de- triumphs of a Presidential election. A Washington. The much hyped health- the very democracy that I championed racy in America in more than mere de- mocracy is the worst form of govern- story any Hollywood producer would care reform so central to his campaign at the start of the article is indeed the bate, great rhetoric in campaigns and ment except all the others that have have been proud of, the “American finally passed the Senate on Christ- root of the problem. Herein lies the political manipulation in government. been tried”. Nowhere else would you dream” has never been more enticing, mas Eve and after going through the problem and it is a wonder that any- Mario Cuomo said that “You campaign find an Ivy League elitist engaging in much like the silicone infested body of reshaping of the US Congress, it has thing ever gets done in American poli- in poetry. You govern in prose” and I high level debates with the farmers, Pamela Anderson. been maimed beyond recognition, a tics: 4 years in a presidency, 2nd year wish more life-changing prose can steel workers and college drop-outs of However, like Pamela Anderson, far cry from Obama’s initial dream of midterms, 4th year re-election there- be written from the Oval Office. In the American heartland. The idealistic American democracy is unfortunately government funded universal health- fore need to campaign therefore noth- fact American democracy could not virtues of politics are exemplified and all show and no substance. Take the care. Countless other Obama initia- ing substantial gets done; 3rd year is be simpler: either run for elections or the devious natures of political manip- case of Barack Obama, a person so full tives, foreign and domestic including after midterms which means Congress delay actually governing until another ulation are forgotten. “...5 minutes with of hope and promise, destined to lead key campaign issues such as Guan- has changed therefore new people can one comes along! Like Pamela Ander- the average voter”, rather than the “best America out of the depths of despair tanamo Bay, Iraq and Afghanistan, appear on the scene to satisfy or you son, American democracy entices you argument against democracy” (again and into a new age of glory. One year Climate and Economy are stuck in the might have lost the majority and you with its tantalizing appeal of elections, Churchill) I think it perfectly dem- after “Obamaina”, it is difficult to see monotonous grinding processes of the need to think about re-election there- but Hollywood surgery only serves to onstrates the essence of it. With the what he has actually done to change House and Senate and it is difficult to fore minimal things get done. This look good and nothing more. addition of Hollywood glamour, the America let alone deserve a Nobel see how long it would be until any re- only leaves the first year to get any- felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 9 Rhys Davies welcomes you to Wales “...West Wales. There are caravans here, and puffins, and holiday-homes for people in Surrey to visit on the weekend.”

am a stranger in a strange land. leisure centre. Haha. is because they’re useful things to have like ll, ch, ff, in case we need sounds like Doctor Who and my house, for As much I adore this sprawling As devastatingly funny as that para- when you find yourself being invaded. that English people can’t pronounce example, may be found. Then there’s metropolis, the inkblot on the gon of humour was, it is not an accu- And people like invading Wales; Ro- (and not for lack of trying. I spent a West Wales. There are caravans here, I cosmic sketchbook that is Lon- rate depiction of my country. And yet mans, Irish, Vikings, French (though year training a captive Englishman, and puffins, and holiday-homes for don, I know in my heart that it’s this is what people think of when I tell we beat them) and it’s like a hobby nothing). people in Surrey to visit on the week- not home. You see, I’m not from round them I’m from Wales, which is a shame for the English or something. If you’re Onto the two big Rs: rugby and re- end. Then there’s Mid Wales, which these parts. I’m not even English – not of the highest calibre. Wales is such a ever in Wales, try and find your nearest ligion. In Wales, these are one and is full of mountains. I’m not sure what that should shock one the most multi- lovely country, rich in culture and his- castell, I promise it won’t be far. I once the same. Though he may be accused else is there...it’s quite a “here be drag- cultural student bodies in the country. tory; at least, that’s what I think but, found one on a golf course. of being ignorant in many things, a ons” place. And those are real dragons. If you have been at all confused by my hey, maybe I’m biased. Anyway, con- By the way, castell isn’t a misspell- Welshman knows his way around Lastly, there’s North Wales. It’s like somewhat uncommon nomenclature, sider this a whistle-stop tour of the real ing, it’s Welsh. Yes, Wales has its own three things; a bible, a rugby ball...and another country, completely alien in I can assure you it is peculiar to my green and pleasant land. language. It’s what everyone used to a sheep, of course. These two facets are every way. They speak Welsh there... home country. I come from that be- First off, the sheep. Yes, we do have speak before the English invaded (I so intimately intertwined, so deeply properly, I mean, not just as an easy loved corner of Britain where the grass a lot of them. In fact, they outnumber can’t remember which time) but now, ingrained in the Welsh identity that way to chat up women. The only thing is greener and the rain is wetter. Wales. the people four to one, which is why I sadly, it’s the reserve of the Gogled- the well-known revival hymn Bread of I can tell you for certain is that they That old land of my fathers, where hope and pray they never revolt. We dwrau (the people of North Wales) and Heaven often echoes round the Millen- hate South Wales with the passion of there are more sheep than vowels and would be screwed! Keeping the sheep those know-it-alls who paid attention nium Stadium during the pitched bat- a thousand suns. I don’t why...it’s prob- where people communicate across peaceful is one reason why we don’t in GCSE Welsh. But I digress. Welsh is tles of the Six Nations. Indeed, the pas- ably because we’re better. the valleys with scores of male voice shag them. The other reason is because a lovely, musical language, filled with sion behind that anthem far outstrips The Welsh are a completely down- choirs, is where I call home. it’s weird, and not the least bit icky. grammatical tomfoolery. For a start, the paltry quaverings of Jerusalem. trodden yet eternally optimistic peo- Here’s a joke for you: Next, castles. Wales has lots of cas- we have more vowels than English, A word on the geography. There’s ple. We’re the underdog of the British... What do you call a sheep tied to a tles. If you don’t have a castle, you’re because we’re bohemian libertines like South Wales, where all the shiny, in- and everyone loves an underdog. lamppost in the middle of Cardiff? A nothing. The reason we have so many that. There’s also a few double-letters teresting and downright useful stuff, Hywl Fawr! Gilead Amit takes up underwriting as a hobby “I’ve wasted enough time already. Right - time to sit down and finally batter out this week’s

an’t I put it off for a few tasered. It should welcome and arouse tralised? Give me a moment, I’ll be look! A new e-mail in my google ac- ‘constructions’. hours longer? with the elegance and charm of Lauren right back. There we go. Maybe ital- count. Well, a new e-mail in my spam I know – ‘erects’! Why didn’t I think No, I’ve wasted enough Bacall putting her lips together and ics... and bold font? No, definitely not folder, at any rate. Make that 374 new of it before... C time already. Right – time blowing. The page should vibrate to – far too crass. How about a subtle un- e-mails in my spam folder. I wonder “The line between the artist and to sit down and finally the pulsating rhythm of the very first derline? Much better. what procedure my account uses to the artisan could be drawn with a 7H batter out this week’s comment piece. Flaubertian mots justes. Great. Back to the text. separate (or should that be divide?) pencil. The former devises concepts, Maybe I should just clean the living “There is a fine distinction between How about changing the font? between spam and genuine e-mails? whereas the latter erects constructions room again? Some more dust may have the artistic and the artisanal.” Stop it! I can change the font later. Surely there can’t be an algorithm that distinguished more by technical ability accumulated under the sofa in the two Hm. That might work. At least it’s Once I’ve actually written something... faultlessly makes the distinction every than artistic merit.” minutes since I put the vacuum clean- not actually grammatically incorrect. So: time? I mean, I have been expecting Ooh - I’ve got a new facebook mes- er away... Maybe putting the vacuum Still, there’s no point in getting this “There is a fine distinction between that e-mail from the BBC people... It sage... ‘Someone has beaten your score cleaner away caused more dust to ac- worked up over the first sentence, or the artistic and the artisanal.” surely wouldn’t hurt to have a quick in Elementz – would you like to play cumulate under the sofa? I’d better go I’ll never get around to writing the sec- Maybe that should be: look. again and show them what you’re made and check... ond one. That’s what happened to the “There is a fine line separating the Hm. No e-mails from the BBC here... of?’ ... Don’t be silly, I’ve got a comment No – I should sit and write. last few novels I tried to write. Ok, let’s artistic and the artisanal.” Just a lot of people looking to sell me piece to finish writing. Maybe just polish the computer move on. Aha! I know: v1agra. Or viazqa. Or xiagra or even I’m not sure I like writing it in Mi- screen one last time... Ctrl+S. “The line separating the artistic and vpagja – whatever that might be. crosoft Word – too many formatting No, No and No. Get a grip on your- Oh – I need to give the document a the artisanal could be drawn with a 7H Oh good – thesaurus.com is fully options are a big distraction. I should self, turn on the computer, mute the name. “Art and artifice.” Nope. “Flow- pencil.” Or doesn’t that quite work? loaded. ‘Splitting’ isn’t bad... but ‘be- just start a new google document and sound, and open Microsoft Word. ing through our Arteries.” Hm. Maybe Never mind, never mind! Keep moving tween’ is so much better! Right: write it there. Right. I’ve opened a new blank docu- I’m better off simply calling it “Term forward, that’s the key. “The line between the artist and Ctrl-C. New browser... Opening ment and it just looks so pretty. So 2: Comment II”. That’ll do for the mo- Ctrl+S. the artisan could be drawn with a google docs. clean and white – it’s almost a shame ment. I’ll just write that out at the top Do I really want to say ‘separating’? 7H pencil. The former devises con- Ctrl-V. Right. Fresh start. Good, to spoil it by writing anything on it. of the document and then I can move How about ‘dividing’? I wonder what cepts, whereas the latter sets up good. I’ve definitely made the right Anything short of perfection, that is. on. There. Doesn’t that look pretty? thesaurus.com has to say about it. constructions...” choice – Verdana is a far more attrac- So the first line must leap out of the OK, where was I. Might as well open a new browser, No – ‘sets up’ is no good. ‘Builds’? tive font than stuffy old Times New starting blocks like Usain Bolt being Hold on – shouldn’t the title be cen- wait for thesaurus.com to load... Oh ‘Constructs’? Too clumsy with Roman. Now where was I... 10 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 ScienceScience EEditorsditors NNathanathan LLeyey & BBrigetterigette AAtkinstkins SCIENCE [email protected] ICE - The way forward? In brief Environmental justice - not yet out of the woods, no matter what you think Call for butter ban HHarryarry BBrainchrainch A leading heart sur- geon at UCL Hospital When Ethiopia commenced construc- has claimed a ban on tion of a dam on the Upper Omo river butter would save in 2006, groups downstream in Ethio- thousands of lives pia and Kenya made their opposition each year. Shyam clear. The dam, they said, would affect Kolvekar has said communities and wildlife by interfer- ing with the annual supply of nutrient- forcing a reduction rich floodwaters that nourish grazing of saturated fat could areas and wetlands. see a fall in the number of cases of cardiovascular The Ethiopian government argued diease and save the economy around £8billion in a pressing need for hydro-electricity, the process. The claim stems from Kolvehar’s treat- dismissing environmental effects as ment of patients as young as 30 with heart condi- “minimal”. There is little recourse for tions typically found amongst the 50-60 age group. opposing groups. Although in August Whilst an outright ban on butter seems a little ex- 2009 a lobby group managed to per- treme, it’s not an idea without support. In North suade the African Development Bank (AfDB) to review their financing of the Karelia, Finland an 82% reduction in heart disease project on environmental grounds, amongst men since 1969 has been largely attributed construction is ongoing. to switching butter for lower fat alternatives. The controversy surrounding the Gibe dam is redolent of an era in which environmental challenges are increas- Above: The Gibe least stringent, with a good chance of ues. The Chinese government rejects Nutt’s replacement ingly complex and trans-boundary. III dam Is under impunity. the ICC, whilst the US will not ratify The drivers of problems such as water construction on Enter the International Court for the the agreement because it supersedes use, deforestation and pollution are the Omo river in Environment (ICE), offered as a leap the US constitution. announced diffuse and complex, no longer con- Ethiopia, 300km towards multi-lateral, trans-boundary The interim ICE would be an entirely fined to local actions that can easily be southwest of stewardship of the environment. different animal, but some states will Professor Les Iver- addressed. Addis Ababa. Proponents envisage an international undoubtedly view the idea of a global son has been named What responses have we crafted to The dam will court constituted for the adjudication legal authority on environmental mat- as the new chair of meet this challenge? Global environ- provide 1,800 and enforcement of existing and future ters with great suspicion. the Advisory Coun- mental protection consists of little megawatts environmental treaties, underpinned Anticipating this, the coalition argues cil on the Misuse of more than a handful of narrow bilat- of electricity. by a robust lawmaking institution and that developing states would have the Drugs following the eral and multilateral treaties, under- This will more permissive of access by a range of par- most to gain from an ICE, providing sacking of Professor pinned by enforcement mechanisms than double ties including states, non-governmen- them access to justice against govern- David Nutt last year. that relate only to states – whilst inter- the country’s tal and private actors. ment and private actors who cause en- Prof. Iverson is a re- ested parties as well as transgressors current These are ambitious aims – but then vironmental harm to their territories. tired pharmacologist include NGOs and private actors. generating the court is meant to address an urgent Providing locus standi to non-state and former Oxford academic who himself once There is an apparent mismatch be- capacity in challenge. Current environmental actors is an ultimate aim, though the tween the interdependence of global one hit, and protections have failed to stem the tide expressed views on cannabis similar to those held environmental problems and the ab- according of pollution, deforestation, species loss by Prof. Nutt. He is even quoted as having said in sence of global governance to address to Prime and other environmental degradation. “an interim ICE the past ‘cannabis should be legalised’ although he such problems. Minister Meles But creating such a court outright is maintains his view on the subject has since changed Witness the difficulties in secur- Zenawi, solve a unrealistic and so the ICE Coalition, could be created in in light of updated scientific evidence. Iverson was ing agreement in Copenhagen, where national energy which is pushing the proposal, envis- the obvious choice for the position having chaired countries struggled to agree a coher- crisis. Below: ages that the ICE could evolve slowly much less than the the council’s meetings since Nutt’s dismissal. ent and legally binding response to projected by starting out as a voluntary dispute Meanwhile Nutt and those sympathetic to him are the potential threat of climate change. flooding effects tribunal. ten years it took to continuing to set up an alternative drugs advisory body. Consider also hapless attempts to res- of the Gibe An “interim” court would allow state cue the blue-fin tuna from commercial dam, shown as a and non state actors to seek ad-hoc create the ICC” extinction even as the last viable stocks before and after clarifications and judgements on en- are depleted. International companies situation. vironmental disputes, on a voluntary Nick Clegg pledges are currently free to conduct their basis. The coalition hopes to make coalition hints that in order to secure most polluting activities in countries the interim ICE a tribunal of choice support from states, private parties where environmental controls are to resolve trans-national environmen- might only secure declarations and libel law reform tal disputes, generating momentum non-binding remedies. This sounds towards a more universal and binding rather toothless, yet the threat of em- In a speech to the court in future years. barrassment before an international Royal Society this A post-Kyoto agreement, if agreed in body is a potent lever. week Nick Clegg Copenhagen or thereafter, might make The ICE coalition is optimistic, and has critisied UK libel a useful testing ground for an interim hopes that against the current backdrop laws for being a ‘le- court. At present, Kyoto is enforced by of increasing environmental aware- gal farce’ and having a committee branch with recourse to ness an interim ICE could be created a ‘chilling effect’ on the International Court of Justice (ICJ) in much less than the ten years it took scientific enquiry. - in whose chambers no environmental to create the ICC. An interim court Clegg dubbed the dispute has ever been heard. There is might not yet forcibly hold states to ac- current group set up by Jack Straw to look into the an opportunity for an ICE to fill this count, but it may change the manner in case for libel reform as ‘dithering’ and has promised gap in the legal architecture in future which international environmental dis- commitment to greater protection for scientists agreements. putes are approached, a so-called “game and doctors questioning claims made by organi- However constituted, the ICE will changer”. sations. He stressed that ‘scientists must be able face the challenge of convincing states Reaching the end state will require to question claims fearlessly especially those that to surrender judgement on environ- hard lobbying, backed up by a success- relate to medical care, environmental damage and mental matters. Notions of supra- ful interim ICE and support from cer- public safety.’ The speech is particularly relevant in national justice are already problem- tain key states. If successful, the posi- light of the ongoing high-profile libel case lodged atic – the International Criminal Court tion of groups like those in the lower by the British Chiropractic Association against sci- (ICC) has been labelled biased by some Omo valley might be better heard and ence writer Simon Singh. developing nations for targeting states understood in future. opposed to Western interests and val- felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 11 [email protected] SCIENCE A possible glimpse of dark matter Physicists observe events characteristic of possible dark matter components, but is it enough to prove its existence?

KKellyelly OOakesakes nouncement talks were held, the data has been collected, it is analysed CDMS team reported that they had to distinguish the background events seen two events characteristic of a from the interesting ones. In early December last year, the par- particular class of possible dark matter What the CDMS found was two ticle physics community was abuzz components called weakly interacting interesting events, showing charac- with rumours of a discovery made by massive particles, or WIMPs. teristics that would be expected from the Cryogenic Dark Matter Search WIMPs are likely to have masses WIMPs. However, there is still a 23% (CDMS-II) collaboration in the US. similar to that of atomic nuclei. De- chance that these events were merely Announcement talks were sched- spite having never been seen, they are due to background particles such as uled for 18th December, all seminars considered one of the main candidates cosmic rays or radioactive decay. For before that cancelled and there were for dark matter, with the appropriately there to be no reasonable doubt of a rumours of a paper submitted by the named massive compact halo objects discovery, i.e. a less than one in a thou- collaboration to Nature (a rumour, (MACHOs) as their main rival. As sand chance that the events seen were however, that was refuted by a Sen- WIMPs only interact through the weak not WIMPs, there would need to have ior Editor at Nature shortly after it nuclear force and gravity, they rarely been five events present in the data was started). The CDMS had, it was said, interact with normal matter, making rather than two. Despite not showing found evidence of the existence of dark them very difficult to spot. absolute proof, the results will help to matter. The CDMS experiment is located set new upper limits that may rule out It would have been the last major phys- half a mile underground in the dis- certain theories currently proposed to ics breakthrough of the noughties - but used Soudan mine in Minnesota, and explain the dark matter problem. sadly, it was not entirely true. The CDMS uses germanium and silicon detectors The CDMS collaboration are now were announcing their latest results, but cooled to almost absolute zero. This in the process of upping the sensitiv- those results did not show irrefutable evi- low temperature means that if a WIMP ity of their experiment by trebling the dence of dark matter’s existence. does pass through these crystals, the number of detectors. The upgrade Nevertheless, that does not mean heat it generates will cause a charge should be finished by summer 2010, that what they have discovered isn’t to move in an applied magnetic field, then all they can do is sit back and wait important. In a paper submitted to and this in turn will cause a signal to be patiently for some WIMPs to come arXiv on the same day as their an- sent to a computer in the lab. Once the along. The CDMS uses five towers of six detectors to detect dark matter

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PPoliticsolitics Editors JamesJames Goldsack, Katya-yani Vyas,Vyas, JamesJames Lees and Phil MurrayMurray POLITICS [email protected] Brown announces Iraq inquiry warms up for Blair “...unless the world new anti-terror plans confronted Saddam JJamesames GoldsackGoldsack Politics Editor tional co-operation will lead to sus- Hussein at that pect individuals, including those in transit between flights, to be subject time... there would In the wake of the attempted Christ- to additional checks against the watch mas Day bomb plot, Gordon Brown list 24 hours before boarding a flight announced new measures to better to, or via, the UK. be a bigger day of track terrorist suspects and strengthen The new measures would ensure airport security in the UK. The plans that individuals “posing the greatest reckoning” involve the setting up of a “no fly list” risk” could not travel to the UK, while to prevent suspected terrorists travel- terrorist movements would be “seam- ling to the UK and other individuals lessly tracked and disrupted” said utes is one of these things that could will be forced to endure more exten- Gordon Brown. have been made “clearer” according sive checks. All direct flights between Mr Brown, who said he had dis- to Mr Campbell, who insists that the the UK and Yemen are to be suspend- cussed the measures with US Presi- claim was only to do with battlefield ed indefinitely due to concerns over dent Barack Obama on Tuesday, also munitions. Yemeni links to international terror- announced that the controversial new This is also the line that Geoff Hoon, ist organisations. Mr Brown said that full body scanners will be introduced who was Defence Secretary at the time the UK faced “active” terrorist threats in airports across the UK next week. of the Iraq invasion, is taking about the from over the world. The Conservative Party welcomed 45 minute claim. So that’s two of the Mr Brown ordered a review of air- the new measures and the introduc- people involved who have wriggled port security measures following the tion of a “no-fly list” but went further, out of the claim. Mr Blair should not attempted attack on a flight from calling for a specialist border police find it so easy though; the way he pre- Detroit. This review and further in- force to ensure higher levels of secu- Blair, soon to serve as a witness at the Chilcot inquiry on why he took us to war sented the information did not leave telligence briefings have led to the rity are reached. Conservative leader Parliament with the impression that development of these plans. Brown David Cameron said that the man re- the claim was only to do with battle- told MPs that the government would sponsible for attempting to detonate JJamesames LLeesees Politics Editor field munitions. introduce various measures in or- the Christmas Day bomb was radi- Indeed, why would he use that evi- der to protect the UK’s borders and calised in the UK before travelling to dence to persuade Parliament? 45 strengthen aviation and airport secu- Yemen. Tony Blair will be called to give evi- minutes is actually a long time for the rity up to the levels needed in these The concerns surrounding Yemeni dence for the Iraq inquiry on 29th leader of the country to have battle- times. He said that the Home Office’s links to terrorism led the Foreign Of- January. The Iraq inquiry, otherwise field weapons ready. Hoon also took current watch list of terrorist suspects fice to announce on Wednesday that known as the Chilcot inquiry, was set the opportunity to have a quick stab at would be extended and two new, all UK flights to Yemen would be sus- up by Gordon Brown to investigate Gordon Brown, suggesting that Brown complementary watch lists are to be pended. The Nigerian man arrested the British involvement in the Iraq had hampered the planning and fund- created. for the attempted bombing on Christ- war, and has so far called in several ing of the war. A list of those individuals banned mas Day told officials that he was giv- prominent figures – though none as – the “no-fly list” – will deal with the en the device by al-Qaeda operatives important as the then Prime Minister, greater threats to national security in Yemen and Gordon Brown claimed Mr Blair. and a further list of individuals under there was evidence of links between Many people regard the Iraq war as suspicion will be used to subject those Yemeni groups and al-Qaeda. being illegal – the conclusion of a re- to “special measures” and more exten- The Prime Minister said the UK cent inquiry in the Netherlands, so the 29th January sive screening before being allowed to would give Yemen £100m in finan- 6 hour grilling of the man who took the travel to the UK. cial support this year to endeavour to Campbell wanted to go to war nation to war, against the wishes of the The day Tony Blair will face 6 hours of By the start of next year all UK air- counter radicalisation. majority of the British public, should questioning on why he took Britain ports and ports should be covered by He said that UK aviation officials prove interesting. So many people to war in Iraq, whether he misled the the e-borders scheme which allows were currently in Yemen to dis- want to see what could prove to be a public and the legality of the war. information that passengers provide cuss improving aviation security in truly important moment in history when initially purchasing tickets to be the country and hoped that flights that a ballot was set up to get seats in checked against the watch lists. Mr between the two countries would the audience at the enquiry, though the Brown stated that improved interna- resume as soon as possible. number of applicants is far fewer than might be expected if Mr Blair were to Until very recently it had seemed go on trial as the war criminal so many that Brown would not be appearing of us suspect him to be. before the inquiry prior to the general In the run up to the star attraction, election, though in Prime Minister’s the inquiry has been warming up on questions on Wednesday he yielded some of the others involved in taking that he would appear before the in- the country to war. Alistair Campbell, quiry whenever he was called. the Labour spin doctor, successfully The panel is expected to publish its spun his way out of embarrassment. findings late 2010 or early 2011. How- When questioned about why Blair ever, unless George Bush is called, it Geoff Hoon never shot anybody went to war his response was that is unlikely that anything will prove “Blair was somebody who fundamen- more interesting than the 29th, and tally believed that unless the world the events of that day will be reported confronted Saddam Hussein at that rapidly after the event. time… then there would be a bigger day of reckoning later and I think he still believes that”. What everyone else in the world negatively refers to as regime change, Alastair Campbell is proud of his in- 179 dead volvement, and believes that all of Brit- ain should feel the same. He defended The number of British soldiers who “every word” of the 2002 dossier that died in the Iraq war. The inquiry seeks made all the spurious claims about to understand why they were sent to weapons of mass destruction. Appar- war and will soon call Tony Blair – the ently it could have been “clearer”, but did not “misrepresent” the evidence. man who ultimately took the decision Brown may face the inquiry soon The claim that Saddam Hussein to take the country to war. The new plans announced by Gordon Brown focus on airport security could mobilise weapons in 45 min- felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 13 [email protected] POLITICS Man imprisoned for delivering letter

RRoryory FFentonenton “Park himself is

A 29 year old American-Korean unconcerned, crossed the border from China into North Korea on Christmas Day, enter- saying that he is ing one of the most closed and oppres- sive societies on Earth, and prepared prepared to be for the worst. Crossing the frozen Tumen river on a martyr for his foot, Robert Park of the group Free- dom and Life for All North Koreans, cause” was armed only with a letter addressed to the country’s president Kim Jong-il plight of North Koreans of whom he calling for the Premier to ‘open your says ‘7,000,000 people are starving to borders so that we may bring food, death’. There is certainly evidence that provisions, medicine, necessities, and many millions have starved under Kim assistance to those who are struggling Jong-il’s watch. to survive.’ The timing of his move can only be North Korea has, according to Am- especially displeasing to the Pyongyang nesty International, one of the worst government, as the country enters a human rights records in history. As new stage of dialogue with the US over many as one million North Koreans its nuclear program. languish in its prisons, enduring forced It is essential that the reality of the labour, starvation and torture. North Korean state be recognised and This is a fate which likely awaits the with this one man drawing unwelcome US citizen who was arrested on cross- attention to the gravest crimes com- ing the border; the maximum sentence mitted by the Stalinist state, his fate is for which is 3 years – assuming he isn’t not expected to be a promising one. laden with any other charges (the very fact that he is Christian is a crime in North Korea). Kim Jong-il rules Park himself is unconcerned, saying North Korea that he is prepared to be a martyr for and has done so his cause and insisting that he is not since he inherited looking for the Obama administration the role from to step in, as they did when two Ameri- his father. His can journalists were imprisoned there reign has been last year. problematic for Knowing that he could easily have the international been shot on his crossing, Park’s aim is community. nonetheless to raise awareness for the 28 year old Robert Park has been imprisoned by North Korea. The banner reads “Immediately release political prisoners” Political parties want to make drinking more expensive

PPhilhil MurrayMurray Politics Editor Britain is ruining lives and costing the country billions, but Labour has not only failed to tackle alcohol misuse, Over the coming months the regula- it has allowed an epidemic of drink- tions regarding the sale & taxation of fuelled crime and illness to take hold. alcohol is set to change, to curb the ris- Now the government is ignoring its ing drink-related illness & crime rates. own expensive advice and experts, Over 40,000 people every year die who say the best way to reduce alco- with a drink-related illness, and the hol misuse is to stop booze being sold annual costs associated with drink- at pocket money prices.” related crime & disorder are between This is after the publication of a £8bn and £13bn. report earlier this month which con- Labour are proposing a ban on or- cluded that setting a 50p minimum ganised ‘all you can drink’ nights and price per unit would save 3000 lives drinking games in pubs – bad news per year. for the Union – and tougher measures What! You can still buy a unit for to ensure alcohol isn’t sold or served under 50p? Show me where! to under-18s. With an election looming, and the About the ban on such promotions, NHS, crime and public spending high Alan Johnson, Home Secretary, said on the agenda as always, expect to see “These practices have a real impact some of these measures soon. on society, not to mention the lives of those who just want to enjoy a good night out.” Tory proposals include a levy on premises selling alcohol after a certain time and an increase in alcohol duty. 40,000 More bad news for the Union... A minimum price per unit of alco- The number of people who are hol is being called for by the Liberal believed to die as a direct result Democrats – could this spell the end of Cheapskates?!? of drink related illnesses each and Liberal Democrat Home Affairs every year in the United Kingdom. spokesman Chris Huhne said “Boozy Any move to increase the cost of alcohol will hit students hard, but will increasing the price really solve any problems? 14 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010

Music Editors: Alexandra Ashford, Kadhim Shubber & Luke TurnerTurner MUSIC Online Editor: Christopher WalmsleyWalmsley [email protected] www.felixmusic.tk Your Sound of 2010 The felix office’s own We asked people who’ve written for us in the past to tell us what they think should Sound of 2010 be looked out for this year. Never mind what the BBC, Mixmag, or Kerrang thinks, here’s what we like the sound of this year and think has been overlooked Memory Tapes Broken Bells This lo-fi, chilled out, glitchy electronic This band are of the ‘supergroup’ varie- by most of the music press. dance-pop is just the kind of music you ty, containing producer-extraordinaire can float along to without caring about Dangermouse and James Mercer of the rest of the world. The dreamy vo- indiepop group The Shins. Danger- Alex Ashford’s choice JJ cals sooth your soul and the languid mouse is most famous for combining guitar solos have a relaxing quality. Al- Jay-Z and The Beatles on The Black JJ are a little known Swedish band who released a little known album called ready held in high regard by Pitchfork Album, being one half of music duos No. 2 last year. Despite getting an 8.6 rating on Pitchfork, it somehow evaded and currently doing his first UK tour; Gnarls Barkley and DANGERDOOM, almost every other music publication. It is pure ambient pop loveliness with don’t let the fact that he needs a good as well as producing albums for Beck influences from tropicalia to gangsta rap. One of their songs is a slowed down shower detract from the quality of the and Gorillaz. Their debut album is dreamy cover of Lil Wayne’s “lollipop” with the lyrics changed to an ode to music. – Tom Jennings due in March and they promise to be a MDMA. JJ are a bit of a mystery; they never play live, and you won’t find a melancholic and psychedelic pop mix. single picture of them on Google. Pretty much everyone I’ve played this album – Tom Jennings to thinks it sucks, but I stand by its strength as bringing the sound of ‘90s twee Rolo Tomassi indie pop into the future. This is a slap in the face of anyone who thinks pop music is all un-original mass produced noise pollution. With their second album Stolen Magic Antlered Man due in March, Rolo Tomassi will be ex- ploding more minds than ever. Possibly Prog. rockers Antlered Man, mix wist- the most entrancing live performance ful melodies and heavy guitar riffs with Kadhim Shubber’s choice The Strange Boys in the history of the world, the god- delightful ingenuity, producing fresh The Strange Boys are a garage rock band from the musical mecca that is Austin, dess that is Eve Spence will turn even and dynamic material. The lead vocals, Texas. Formed in 2001, they released a series of EPs before finally recording the most dull brained popster into a strained and emotive, are enhanced by their debut 2009 album “The Strange Boys and Girls Club” with the recently raving fan of the insanity that is math- the softer backup, further enriching deceased Jay Reatard. I can’t really claim to know whether they’ll be huge or core. These Sheffield kids’ fragmented the sound. Although still unsigned and not, but their timeless guitar melodies and strained, to point of breaking, vocals and synthed-up sound is a kick in the without a debut, these guys are sure for come together to form the kind of Southern drawl rock that you’d want to hear face to everything you believed about success for the simple fact that their on a road trip through the Deep South. A few tracks and harmonica solos into music. And by God is it time. – Kate music is fascinating and unlike any- their latest album “Be Brave” and I was hooked. They’ve signed to Rough Trade Smith thing that was on the market in 2009. for their second album so perhaps at least a few people will be talking about this – Kate Smith band in the coming months. Ke$ha After the massive success of Tik Tok Glee Cast in 2009, her debut album Animal is sure to be a massive hit. The next two OK, so you’ve heard about Glee, it’s a Luke Turner’s choice Django Django singles, Blah Blah Blah (ft. 3oh3!) and TV show, not an artist, BUT: here’s the Inexplicable in a way that will blow your mind, if you thought music now is ge- Your Love Is My Drug, are amazingly link. neric, think again. Meeting at art school in Edinburgh, this Scottish four-piece catchy pop tunes, and with her person- The songs from Glee are SO incred- are drawing huge attention to themselves. Trying to describe Django Django’s al links to Britney and Flo-Rida, she’s ible that they’ve been all over the US sound is an art, even in their own words, the music is, “The triple distilled es- sure to be an artist to watch. – Mat- chart, and 4 Glee songs will chart in sence (and sensibility) of an artistic huddle of mischievous musicals”. How I see thew Stringer the top 30 this week in the UK. With it, the lack of words to summarize what these wild tribesmen do is a compli- covers of Rihanna, Jordin Sparks, The ment to their creativity. I would say that it is a nonsense mix of instruments and Rolling Stones, Journey, Kanye and electronics intertwined, a primeval tendency to beat inanimate objects and the Jennifer Lopez many more, the Glee kids are trans- flare of red-indian chanting vocals. It is safe to say that they are far from aver- forming classic songs from chart his- age, which is what I hope the music of 2010 will be. Yup, that’s right, she’s back, and big- tory, and making them a hell of a lot ger and better than ever. The first better. single Louboutins is an RnB/Pop clas- So watch Glee on E4 on Mondays, sic if ever I’ve heard one. – Matthew and watch their songs climb the charts Dan Wan’s choice King Charles Stringer in 2010. – Matthew Stringer In 2010, King Charles will bridge the gap between the indie-pop movement of 2007 and the folk movement of 2009. After a year of sing-alongs and waving lighters, the devout fans of Mumford & Sons and Fleet Foxes will probably ap- preciate the jump-start to their legs as they itch for a dance. He’s a showman with a guitar and he has an abiding penchant for any kind of music that he can make glorious noise with, from cappella operatics to sea shanties. With only one E.P. to his name so far, his imposing hair and noble title will probably be moving upwards on this year’s festival bills after performing on Glastonbury 2009’s ‘Introducing’ stage. I reckon he’ll make some noise this coming year, how loud I’m not sure.

I’m excited. As the information and technology age expands, there is simply more and more of everything and more and more of everything mixed together. You want music that’s a hypnotic mix of dubstep, old school house, and UK garage by a guy named after an American songwritting legend? You got it, Joy Orbison is there. You want pop singers who dress like robotic disco balls from the future and carry teacups around? You got it, Lady GaGa. You name the blend of musical elements and you will find it. Sadly this also means even more of I’m-literally-just-waiting-to-die-because-I’m- too-boring-to-kill-myself burblings and croonings of Michael Buble and the X-Pop-Talent-Factor battery hens. Maybe in 2010 we can look forward to hearing Hannah Montana feat. Hadouken! remixed by Major Lazer. I can only dream.

Memory Tapes album artwork. I think it’s pretty. felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 15 [email protected] MUSIC Brand New kicking back on Long Island They’ll be back in London this weekend though. Dan Wan chats to Brian Lane about Wembley, vinyl and getting old.

s Brand New prepare for D- So you guys founded your own another stretch on the record label, Procrastinate! Music trans-global road they have A decade and counting Traitors! in 2008, what’s the think- become well-accustomed Brand New are an alternative band hailing from Long Island, New York that formed in 2000. Signed up ing behind that? Are you setting up Ato in recent years, felix catches up to Triple Crown Records in 2001, they released their debut album, Your Favourite Weapon. For their life after Brand New? with drummer Brian Lane at home second studio album Deja Entendu, with Interscope Records, there was a stylistic change for the band in Long Island, New York. Home is to post-hardcore and the album was a huge critical success. In 2008 the band founded their own record B- It’s nothing we started to make clearly where the heart is for Brand label ‘Procrastinate! Music Traitors’, on which they co-release their current records. money off of or anything, it’s just kind New, but their first stop is London, of a name that we use; we can put on a city they’ve found themselves in records if we want to help our friends countless times. This weekend will out or if we decide to put our own stuff be a little different though as they kids that are 16-17 but there’s also out, we’re releasing our own vinyl on perform at Wembley Arena, the big- B- We ended up our last tour in Amer- B- Is it? No matter what, playing a adults that are our age at this point and the label in March, or just for the fu- gest venue they’ve played in the UK ica with our first arena headline, in venue like Wembley in general is I think that that’s something we can all ture in general. If any of us want to put since starting out ten years ago. America, over here in our hometown, something I never really thought I’d be relate to and something that’s pretty our own projects, we have something and we just added a tonne of produc- doing so it’s definitely a highlight of all rad. I think we’re all stoked on that. to do it on. There’s no other intentions tion to it. We’re going to see what our time playing in a band. with it whatsoever right now. There’s Dan- How are you feeling about the happens and kind of play it by ear but D- Does that mean you’ll never out- no plan to release a lot of records or reception that Daisy has received so we’re going do the same kind of show D- Have you always been quite confi- age your audience? anything like that, it’s just for our use, far? and the same kind of production we dent about your popularity over here with whatever we want we can slap a did here, so we’re hoping people like it. in the UK? B- I hope, we’ll see. I mean, so far we’ve label on it and see what happens. Brian- I mean it’s been pretty good. It’s kind of a daunting thing to go to a lucked out with it. We’ve basically been on tour since it’s venue like that, we’re kind of new to it B- I think when we go over there we all D- Are you aware of the other mean- been out and we’ve been off for about a so we’re feeling it out. feel like the kids get it a lot more over D- So you don’t think there’s going ings of the acronym PMT? month and things have kind of cooled there than anywhere else. We enjoy to be a point when you guys are go- down because of holiday season and D- As a drummer do you prefer the playing there a lot more than playing ing to think ‘Oh man, we’re way too B- No!? What is it? stuff. We’re kind of all just enjoying life smaller intimate venues or do you anywhere else for sure... If we’re confi- old to be relating to the audiences here, hanging out at home for a month prefer the larger venues, or is there dent about it I don’t know, but we like now’ – and in time give up? D- I’ll let you figure it out for yourself or two. We haven’t been to England any difference? it more. afterwards! You released the track since it’s been out have we? B- Nah, we never look at it that way. ‘Fork and Knife’ as a download-only B- There’s definitely a difference, it’s D- I don’t know if it’s the same deal We make music however we want single after your third album, Devil D- No, I don’t think you have yet. kind of a love-hate thing. I enjoy eve- with America but over here your au- to make music and since we’ve been and the God are Raging Inside Me. rything. I enjoy the smaller clubs a lot diences are effectively growing up growing up we’re just making the kind Is the label going to be fronting any- B- Yeah, so I’m excited to find out what more but at the same time it’s good with you guys as a band, does it make of music we have just because we’re more of those kind of releases? the reception’s like in England, we’ve to play the bigger ones sometimes. you proud that the young teenagers growing up and that’s what it is, and just been touring around America for This year we’re going to try and split that came to see you in 2003 when we hope that people can relate to it be- B- Maybe, at this point everything is a while. it up and maybe do a tour of a bunch Deja Entendu was out, are still at- cause of that, you know. up in the air, we’re going to see. We of smaller venues all around the world tending your gigs in 2010 as young don’t know where our home is going to D- How much of the media do you also, and then try and do the bigger adults now. D- It’s a sort of natural progression be in a few months and we don’t know read once you’ve released material, ones, so it’s the best of both worlds. with your music and whoever you re- if we’re ever going to release a record around the world, obviously being B- Yeah, that’s something that I think late to is whoever you relate to? again because if it’s something where on tour, do you read the local media? D- Do you consider coming to Wem- we all appreciate a lot and something we’re doing our own thing I don’t know bley and playing an arena hitting that we’ve noticed, touring on this B- I think that’s a big key, there’s noth- if people even care about records any- B- I try not to read about the band or your peak over here in the UK? record more than any- ing forced with it, it just is what it is more, because the physical part of hav- the album at all. Sometimes my mom thing that there are and hopefully kids pick up on that... or ing a record has lost its appeal, it’s not and my friends send me stuff, other- B- Maybe, we’ll see, I’m not really sure adults. that cool to us anymore. If we’re going wise I don’t really pay it much atten- how it’s selling and how it’s doing to be releasing digitally I have no prob- tion... I try not to. People’s reactions to so... lem with releasing 3 songs a week or the latest record are kind of the same as 1 song a week because i feel like that our reaction to the record the first few D- I think it’s all suits what’s going on now. times we heard it. It kind of settles in sold out. and you take it for what it is, you know. D- A lot of people argue buying a record isn’t just about the music, it’s D- Absolutely. You’re coming to about the whole package: the art- Britain for the first leg of your trav- work and leaflet for example. Are els. When are you guys arriving in you worried that it’s going to become London? nostalgic to a point where you’re go- ing to be looking back at physical B- I think we get there Thursday and records and CDs? we leave Sunday... We’re just coming for the weekend because we have a B- I think there’s something to say bunch of make-up shows we got to do about having limited edition things back in the States before. So we’re go- also, it’s special when bands release ing to do that and we’re talking about 2000 and something, or whatever it is coming back maybe sometime over the and I think we’re always going to be summer but nothing’s concrete yet. doing that because we’re still into that, we’re still into the physical aspect of D- Are you going to head straight music and artwork and I think we’re back home after the weekend in Lon- always going to be into it. It’s almost don then? as big a part of putting out a record as the music is, so it would be a shame B- Yeah, we come back home for like if we didn’t release anything physi- two days and then we have to head out cal. I’m sure we will, I’m just not sure west to do a few shows where we got if it’s going to be on the grand scale of sick on the last tour that we have to a whole record with packaging, maybe make up for. we’ll do 7” here or maybe we’ll release a CD single here or something like that D- Wembley Arena is a much larger and not press ‘x amount’ just make it a venue than most British audiences special thing, I think that’s what we’re are use to seeing you in, have you got gearing towards more. anything special lined up for that? 16 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 MUSIC [email protected]

LINDSTRØM & TENEBROUS CHRISTABELLE LIAR BEN RAYNER REAL LIFE IS NO JACKKNIFED & CRANKING TO Most listened to this week by COOL SLAUGHTERED SONIC YOUTH SMALLTOWN TENOR VOSSA REAL GOLD SUPERSOUND SINGLE ALBUM ALBUM Felix Music members on last.fm A flash of fluttering voices and 80’s Charged with anger and grit, this al- Ben Rayner recorded this “diss” song 1. Radiohead style groove. The sound is catchy with bum is for trudging through rain and about Sonic Youth at ATP festival. It’s warm electrical vibrations, weaved per- mud, it will induce ferocity. It shows also the name of his zine. Cranking ap- fectly with psychedelic vocal melodies glimmers of great rock at the beginning parently means crying and wanking at 2. Muse and phrases, restoring my faith that all to most tracks which then sinks away the same time. If you didn’t know that, electro music isn’t shit. The odd song into a thundering, quite unimaginative, you can add it to your subgenres of 3. Florence + TM turning easy-listening quite repetitive wall of distortion. It’s an album of two wanking along with shanking (wank- but magically saved by the occasional parts, one being considerably more ing in the shower) and danger wanking 4. Bloc Party brass flare and disco vibe that keeps the self-indulgent than the other. This mu- (wanking in a situation where you are album diverse. Using clever manipula- sic would be absolute heaven to play at likely to get caught). This song is kind 5. The xx tion of a sweet voice gives this album a full volume, but not half as fun to listen of a joke, and for a joke, it’s a kind of an genuinely different feel. - Luke Turner to I’m afraid. - Luke Turner okay song. - Alex Ashford 6. The Killers 7. Animal Collective

GUCCI MANE THE TELLISON 8. Kings Of Leon SPOTLIGHT (FT. IRREPRESSIBLES CONTACT! USHER MIRROR MIRROR CONTACT! WARNER BROS. V2 COOP GRAVITY DIP 9. Bon Iver SINGLE ALBUM ALBUM 10. Vampire Weekend Whatever happened to Usher? Did he The debut album from this 10-piece Recently gaining a member becoming a ever come out as gay or was that just a theatrical orchestra is characterised by 5-piece band, from Hammersmith, this So as predicted, Radiohead are topping this chart once again. I rumor? Honestly, if a really openly gay sweeping piano and strings arrange- is impure electric guitar wonder with want to know who is responsible and camp rapper came out they would ments. It could potentially be gentle, pure fight. Their sound is of guitars, for this because with no disrespect have that whole untapped market cor- soothing background music if the singer keyboards and cowbells. The songs are to the wonder of Radiohead, after nered. Anyway, this song is pretty un- didn’t fluctuate between a low Antony full of unbeatable hooks and intelligent topping almost every ‘Albums of exciting. As with all rap/R&B, the lyr- Hegarty-type voice and piercing falset- lyrics, sang by all members in a com- the Decade’ chart, they have had ics are the best bit. “Simply I glaze they to. The vocals are definitely an acquired plex whirlwind of vocal melodies and the glory they deserve. Branch out ass/Just like some churches biscuits/ taste and the band are at their best on harmonies. Tellison make a humble Imperial... Branch out. Beat her like she stole my Bentley/ songs where their erratic and creative kind of indie-rock; this is a refreshing Swagger jackers pay attention.” use of orchestral sounds isn’t overshad- change, and every song on this album -Luke Turner - Alex Ashford owed by the vocals. - Tom Jennings is worthy of being a hit. - Luke Turner felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 17 TTravelravel Editors Dylan LoweLowe & Olivia DaviesDavies TRAVEL [email protected]

Interview with the Extraordinaire bbyy DDylanylan LLoweowe The Ramblin’ Rucksack Man ‘Nomadic’ Matt Kepnes A.k.a. Nomadic Matt, travel blogger and social media expert DDylanylan LoweLowe Travel Editor imply put, one simply cannot be a travel social networker ’day. Hope you’ve had a als on social media and the online tools it when he’s never heard of No- stress-free Christmas, not entails. Disregarding my old conceptions madic Matt. What made his too pissed off with snow- twitter and flickr - both I had conde- deeds remarkable - to the ex- related travel disruptions scendingly shunned like a plane passen- Stent that The New York Times requested and what-have-you. And ger would shun a Nigerian - were within an interview with him - wasn’t just his Ghappy new decade to you all - may the my grasp, as I willed them to promote my casting-aside of a steady career to em- following tens years be filled with travel blog, generate readership and spread the bark on a nomadic lifestyle, one that has joys and enlightenments. word about my experiences in the South to-date lasted for three years. It was that And so here I am, your resident drifter Pacific, as the guys had instructed. the Bostonian is now generating enough reporting for duty. Great to be back from Not that I was totally unprepared for income through running his travel blogs a wee semester at the University of Life on this change of lifestyle - I’ve kept my Fa- and other online ventures that he needed the road and further my education with cebook account mainly to stay connected no other sources of revenue to fund his the musing of the felix team. Well, if they with the amazing characters I’ve met travels. would turn off the webcams and quit along my travels. Now, the man who has brought tips job. I spent another 18 months travel- their iPhone to get real-life travel infor- pondering about contraceptive sheaths. I was adjusting to hearing tales of in- on budgetting and long-term travel now ling and decided to continue travelling - I mation and facts while they are on the Speaking of which, when I first started credible human feats on a daily basis. I sat before Camilla and I; over a pint in haven’t stopped ever since. All my life, the road. as travel editor around this time last year learnt to appreciate the partnership in- Shakespeare the travel talk commenced. best decisions are made with the gut! It’s DL Many people would have accused I was very much aware that, unlike my tegrating travel and social media, with worked out since. you for running away from reality - peers and co-workers here in the base- examples no less real than my experience Dylan Lowe Hi guys. We have the leg- DL You are the epitome of a social how do you respond to that? ment, I had very much been an epitome on Tribewanted: Vorovoro. I met fellow endary Nomadic Matt among us. media guru. But how important, in MK To say that is ridiculous. We travel of technophobia. As though my sole pur- travellers not only in hostel lounges but Matt Kepnes Great to be here. your opinion, is social media in the not to run away from life, or from reality poses in life were to gallivant and scrib- also in the comfort of my home, whose DL Can I just say how much I admire world of travel? - in fact we’re running towards it. Cul- ble, it took Jovan weeks - months even experiences are of no less validity only what you’ve been doing. Truly in- MK Social media is very important. tures, places, people, they define life, not - to hammer knowledge of InDesign because our encounter took place in the spiring - it’s inspired me for sure. Twitter, Facebook, my blog, all allow me the office cubicle, marriage or children. functionalities into my perfectly organic virtual world. MK Thank you. to get travel tips and advice to places I am And the freedom - it’s the same freedom head. And what was that you were talk- Through twitter I arranged a meet- DL So, what prompted you to quit going, meet locals, and meet other trav- I found in the travellers I met in Thai- ing about, Richard Lai, about twitter and ing with Matt Kepnes, more commonly your job and embark on a nomadic ellers. Without social media, travelling land that inspired me to travel in the first gadgets and social networking? Jibberish. known as Nomadic Matt, in a pub oppo- lifestyle? wouldn’t be as fun. It helps you connect place. And who said I’d need to mingle with site Victoria Station - the American was MK I took a trip back in 2005 to Thai- with people a lot more. DL Any spark of romance along your fellow travellers online, consult travel in transit, on his way back to Thailand land. I met some backpackers then and I DL What are your predictions for journey? blogs for advice and preview a hostel with from Belgium. The same site enabled was fascinated with what they were do- technology in conjunction with MK Lots of little romances. a review? No thanks, a Lonely Planet and Paul Smith, the Twitchhiker as he likes ing. I wanted to do that. It seemed a lot travel? DL If you have one secret craving rucksack will suffice. to be known as, to travel from Newcastle of fun so I finished my MBA, quit my MK More people will use devices like for some kind of stable living, what Little did I then realise how embroiled to New Zealand entirely reliant upon the would it be? I have been in the world of social media generosity of fellow ‘tweeple’. MK A steady girlfriend. since becoming involved in the STA And so that was me, consuming mates’ DL Thought so. The traveller’s curse. Travel Explorer Programme. hospitality and weeping to Michael Why don’t you stop travelling and As part of their social media campaign, McIntyre for the thousandth time aside, live that dream? the legendary travel agency created the either drowning in social media debauch- MK Because I’d much rather find the programme to bring together its custom- ery or in my own vomit (hope you’ve had one, travel, and live the dream together. ers who would share their travel experi- a great New Years Eve as well) through- DL What would you say to aspiring ences through blogging, photo-sharing out the holiday. travel writers/bloggers hoping to do and video-hosting. All thanks to the STA Travelbuzz something similar to what you do? Sulking in the bleak winter - and im- team who, to both my amusement and MK Network. Get your blog up and run- mense boredom that were the outskirts annoyance, decided to grant me the ning, write stuff, and network with eve- of Auckland - I was once again dreaming pseudonym Ramblin’ Rucksack Man. rybody and anybody in order to get your of the mid-July heat I’d have been soaking Yup, laugh on. name out there. Keep networking. It’s up in the northern hemisphere. My trip But is it too much? Can social media going to take a lot of time before you get to Fiji, at the time, remained distant in fu- become an obsession, lure its audience Check out Matt’s site @ http://www.nomadicmatt.com noticed but if you are persistent you will. ture tense. Catching the STA Travelbuzz into the convenience and sense of safety website (http://www.statravelbuzz.co.uk) and further detach them from reality? flickering across the monitor, reading Why am I tolerating the deprivation of stories written by other explorers and thrill, the adrenaline-clenching moments bearing in mind that I ought to establish and unpredictability that I look forward a somewhat travel-journal-keeping habit to the most during my travels? Recommended: Online travel communities through blogging, I was tempted into As I launch my new travel website, signing up for the programme. TheTravellingEditor.com, this coming Almost immediately, across 11 time Saturday. I must ask myself: have I gone zones, the charming Camilla and the too far? Have I plunged into the cradle of STA Travelbuzz team recruited and wel- intelligence without protecting my ethics comed me onboard with open arms. as a traveller? Followed were the self-propelled tutori- Fuck this - I need to get out more.

Have I gone too far? Send me your views to [email protected] STA Travelbuzz Matador Network Lonely Planet http://www.statravelbuzz.co.uk http://www.matadornetwork.com http://www.lonelyplanet.com follow me @TravelingEditor or visit my travel blog at http://www.thetravellingeditor.com Conglomerate of UK travel bloggers, Traveller’s online community, uber- Tag your blog tweets with #lp; the edi- from £10 Poms to the Mankini Chal- useful resources written by paid profes- tors at Lonely Planet will re-publish lenge. Oh yeah, and the rucksack guy sional travel writers and entrepreneurs your post on their reputed website Welsh Society

Feeling sheepish about getting naked? Don’t be! Get naked to publicise your club or society. Or maybe you just love your own body. No one’s judging. Contact the felix photographer at [email protected] felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 19 Fashion Editor KawaiKawai WongWong FASHION [email protected] The Style Heroines of Our Time Women and These women inspire designs on the catwalks, of items, and of our shoes wardrobes. Saskia Verhagen and Kawai Wong explain. KKawaiawai WWongong Fashion Editor Lady Gaga Anna Dello Russo Rihanna

o you know that there are Last week I braved the weather and D men out there who watch Sex wore a pair of pointy 2-inch Kurt and the City for research? La- Geiger court shoes for a change (nor- dies, the game is up. They know the mally? Subzero temperatures? UGG...). Game. They know how to make you After 12 hours of milling about I could go weak in the knees. So don’t say I no longer meander the last 200 metres haven’t warned you. Next time you go home. I phoned my brother... on a date and somebody tells you ‘nice ‘Bring UGG and meet me at blah...’ shoes’, take it with a pinch of salt. Or ‘A pair of what?’ ‘UGG, UGG boots!’ grill him with an in-depth shoe conver- ‘What colour is it?’ And the penny sation. Here, is how: dropped. Is it ironic that I’m writing a fashion One of the grande dames of 21st cen- You may think that she is vulgar. You 1. What do you think of the col- Anyway, want a pair of good look- article about a woman who resides in tury fashion, the Fashion Director At may think that with what little cloth- laboration between Jimmy Choo and ing court shoes that you can survive a perpetual state of half dress? Per- Large at Vogue Nippon is one of the ing she wears, there’s not much style in UGG? in? Head to M&S. Their Insolia range haps, but this particular woman has women who, along with Carine Roit- question. You have to look outside the 2. Oh how do you say his name? That moves your weight to the back of the had a profound influence over the feld, Kate Lanphear and Anna Win- tabloid images of Rihanna. Frenchman who designs shoes with a heels so the balls on your feet don’t couture runways worldwide since her tour, form the Editrix Elite – an implicit Her screen persona is hard and red sole... ache as much as another pair at the debut last year. Known for her avant- panel of fashion luminaries who dic- fierce; an alter-ego, the result of being To be honest, 9 times out of 10 the exact same height. What’s more, the garde, provocative style, Lady Gaga’s tate exactly who and what happens in a victim of domestic violence. She has man can’t even tell the difference be- insoles are leather and the bottom is latest video, Bad Romance, reads like fashion today. come a long way since her girl-next- tween a pair of pumps and heels. All water-resistant. £40. What more can a trends list for next spring-summer. This is a woman whose fashion acu- door days when she sang about puppy that matters to them is colour. you ask for? Between the various sets of Agent men has been nurtured by fashion’s love and summer breaks. Provocateur lingerie and custom de- most incisive minds. Her style is über- RiRi’s success is attributed to her signed jewellery, Gaga models a great luxe and full of texture: rich brocades, brillant mix of eclectic pieces with soft portion of Alexander McQueen’s S/S heavy silks, sparkling embellished fab- touches. She is forever bang on trend, 2010 collection – appropriate, since rics and opulent feathers and furs cre- but never an avid follower with no Erdem’s V&A Show - she chose to debut the single at his ate the foundations of her wardrobe, imagination. recent show in Paris this year – es- with all her outfits littered with her sig- At Met Gala 2009, Rihanna executed pecially notable for some may be the nature collection of vintage brooches the masculine D&G suit with 100% A Fashion Virgin’s Perspective infamous “armadillo” shoes! and jewels. All this, plus arguably the precision. Though McQueen appears to be most enviable shoe collection amongst She also worked the strong shoulder the only designer who can feed her the fashion world! trend like no other. Be it an LV dolly insatiable craving for all things ex- She shuns realism, residing in a cul- uniform that was worn by Madonna traordinary, her influence is seen at mination of impossibilities: criminally and the de rigueur Balmain miltary every haute couturier worth their salt stylish and incredibly connected, she jacket from last season... She annihi- – Gaultier, Chanel and Lacroix have synthesises hemlines and bottom lates the ridicularity of an exaggerated all succumbed to her sartorial power lines atop Kirkwood heels and swans outfit matter-of-factly with her hard on their catwalks. However most of through Fashion Month in a crimson edge confidence. the time Miss Gaga’s getups are de- Dolce and Gabbana gown paired with An advocate for all things edgy; nei- signed by her elusive young design black opera-length leather gloves and ther Decarnin’s rock trash, Gaultier’s AAdityaditya NNarayananarayanan The black lacework for which Erdem team, Haus of Gaga, whose collective patent YSL Tribute boots at 9am, strap- fetish, Margiela and Pugh’s quirkiness, is famous appears more prominently imaginations have cre- less bejewelled emerald Balmain Dior’s feminism nor Chalay- on a few plain-coloured dresses, its ated some of the most at lunch and sequinned sil- an’s minimalism will satisfy The lights go out. A hush ripples across intricacy dovetailing nicely with the memorable stage cos- ver and green cutout Pucci her fashion appetite. the audience. I tense in anticipation – sedate colours chosen. A selection of tumes – and off-stage for cocktails at 7pm. The In her Hard video, she it is my first fashion show, and with the models sport his other speciality, floral costumes. Fashion Editor need not sported Jeremy Scoot’s innocence of a child I await a glimpse prints – a profusion of green, cream, An advocate be any more realistic than Mickey ears helmet and of Erdem’s creations. Here I am – the red and blue capturing the joie de for all things the makeshift arid the bullet bra. Alexander outsider in my trackpants and hoodie vivre of a summer day. That is not unique, outra- desert scene she cre- Vaultier’s creation followed – worrying that the nuances of fashion to say that his work is flawless – a geous and ri- ated for the summer her from the streets to her may soar over my head. jarring maelstrom of different flow- diculous, Lady swimwear spread. video. Rihanna’s choice Since going solo with his eponymous ers in a sea of red provides one of Gaga embod- Anna Dello of using British designer label in 2005, Erdem Moralioglu has few blots on his landscape – but ies the fan- Russo takes Bryce Aime’s spiky T-Rex been heralded by such luminary or- the subtlety of much of this work is tasy involved fashion out of top from her CSM grad- ganisations such as the British Fashion elegant. in fashion – she the ordinary. uate collection has Council and Elle as one of the future The make-up, done by Andrew provides an There is no one received national groundbreakers of the fashion world. Gallimore, is minimalistic and suits unexpectedly else who can con- newspaper The introductory paper I have been the show perfectly. In fact, this aspect humorous vincingly take coverage. handed says that the range of womens- serves as a microcosm for the entire take on an in- such avant-garde She does no fash- wear I am about to see was nominated collection – high quality fashion you dustry that is looks straight off ion faux pas when it for the British Fashion Awards Collec- could picture any girl on the street notoriously the catwalk and car- comes to accessorising. The tion of the Year. The lights snap on and wearing. It is proof that one does not elitist, donning ry them off with such pa- fuschia bra under a knit top is the music starts to play. have to be an expert to appreciate fine clothes usually nache. Completely differ- a calculated move to add an Although he has a clear penchant for couture. As in music, drama or litera- reserved only for ent from the conservative edge to a comfy outfit. Her floral patterns and lacework, Erdem’s ture, something well-crafted appeals to the catwalk… English Wintour, the chic shades aren’t RayBan. They creations display a vibrant range of experts and amateurs alike. No, I wouldn’t person- French Roitfeld and the are status glasses from Grey styles. A pristine white gown that in- At the end of a fascinating fifteen ally wear any of her out- monochromatic Amer- Ant; Beyonce is also a fan. voked memories of Edwardian times minutes, the man himself walks out, fits, but I do admire her ican Lanphear, Dello Nothing about Rihanna is gives way to a flowing smock remi- accepting the audience’s applause with – she doesn’t just take Russo is exactly what the norm; she wore a pair of niscent of the 1960’s. A long dress in the modesty and grace evident in his from fashion, she gives, one might expect from laced lens glasses by A-Morir the style of the Vietnamese Ao Dai is work. and generously, provid- an Italian – outrageous, to spice up a Jasmine di my personal favourite, the shimmer- The audience ghosts out to the ing inspiration and a flamboyant, and a warm, Milo sequin playsuit. ing black taffeta background offering strains of a violin version of Nirvana’s vision that is new, not bubbling personality you Russian Roulette? Not a a beautiful contrast to the red, yellow Come as You Are - an unexpected and just dredging up what can almost taste from just one game Rihanna plays when and pink pansies playing across the fitting end to a show that has surpassed we’ve all seen before. photo. it comes to fashion. front. all my expectations. 20 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 TTechnologyechnology Editor SamuelSamuel Gibbs TECHNOLOGY [email protected]

Pigs might fly as UK Touch sensitive Pirate found innocent front and back UK’s first piracy verdict boosts moral of the bruised and battered SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor Torrent crowd as Alan Ellis trots free f you looked at the technology perience as a proper games console, press this week you could be for- portable or not. Now, that fabled Ap- FFerozeroz SSalamalam Technology Reporter given in thinking that Apple had ple tablet might come with a bit more unleashed some new revolu- oomph in the processing department, Itionary products. The thing is, Apple maybe even fully fledged graphics, but n the first major piracy verdict hasn’t done anything this week apart unless it’s got more buttons, some sort since the landmark Pirate Bay from send out invitations to a press of expansion controller, it’s not going case, the owner and founder event to be held in San Francisco on to be any better a gaming experience I of the music sharing website January 27th. OK, when Apple holds than the iPod touch. At this stage Ap- ‘OiNK’s Pink Palace’ was de- a press event they normally unveil ple could be pulling a fast one on us clared not guilty by an unanimous jury something, but the way that the news with all this tablet nonsense and is ac- at the Teesside Crown Court. The case is saturated you’d think they were go- tually prepping an Apple TV replace- is also notable because it’s the first ing to announce something that’ll end ment games console. Until Steve pulls music piracy trial that has delivered a world hunger, eradicate terrorism, one out on the 27th we really don’t verdict within the UK. While the case bring world peace and all with a sleek know, anything could happen. does not set a judicial precedent for fu- white finish. Another interesting yet mysterious ture cases, it was a remarkable victory So an Apple event on the 27th. It’s take away from the event announce- for Alan Ellis, who founded the sharing got the tag line ‘Come see our Latest ment is that there’s no European re- service during his studies at the Uni- Creation’; if that doesn’t scream Ap- peat. Normally when Apple has had an versity of Teesside. ple tablet I don’t know what does. The announcement in the US they’ve piped His arrest in 2007 was highly dra- curious thing about this event however the video into a venue in London in re- matic, with police inviting TV cameras has to be the inclusion of a select few al-time. So what does that tell us? Well to watch as they carried out a dawn nical ripping off”, while Ellis countered money out of running the website. members of the gaming press on the it could mean that whatever they have raid on Ellis’ house, as Dutch police that the money simply came from sur- The verdict has little legal meaning invitation list. Getting an invite out for us is going to be US-only, at least in simultaneously raided his servers in plus donations and that it “had to be - it doesn’t set a binding precedent for of Apple to one of its press events is the short term. It would be extremely the Netherlands. While Ellis’ opera- stored somewhere”. Ellis was also able all future cases - yet it’s the first major like owning your own plane, it’s sim- disappointing, but that’s the same tac- tions were much smaller than those of to successfully defend the allegations legal victory for the now beleaguered ply not going to happen unless you’re tic they took with the original release The Pirate Bay (with his case attracting of fraud levelled against him by using torrent community and will probably really, really important. But to invite of the iPhone. much less attention), the invite-only a similar argument to the one used by serve as a morale booster at a time some games press indicates that Apple Speaking of iPhone, there are also website had developed a reputation The Pirate Bay - as a torrent tracker, when many major torrent trackers are thinks something it’s going to unveil at rumours we’re going to see iPhone for listing high quality recordings a his website merely indexed material shutting down or sealing themselves this event is going to appeal to them. 4.0 software at the event. Speculated long time before they were released. uploaded by users and didn’t actually off from the public. As for Alan Ellis, OK, if you’ve ever seen an Apple ad highlights include multi-tasking, sys- The website was even endorsed by host any of the illegal files. It’s also clear while it seems unlikely that ‘OiNK’s you’ll have heard the ‘iPod touch is the tem wide multi-touch gestures (maybe Trent Reznor, who described it as “the that the circumstances around the case Pink Palace’ is going to be restored best gaming device’ rubbish they try even on the back for a June/July iPhone world’s greatest record store”. played a large role in the proceedings - to its former glory, he should be able and ram down your throat. The App 4G revision), new syncing possibilities The prosecution told the jury that The Pirate Bay was a large organisation to wash his hands of the affair in the Store has a lot of games in it and be- and UI changes. Could this be the end Ellis was found with nearly $300,000 in supported by healthy finances, while knowledge that the case isn’t appeal- cause they’re relatively cheap, they’ve for the need to jailbreak for most users his PayPal account and accused him of OiNK’s Palace was distinctly smaller, able and he has emerged virtually un- done well, but there’s no way the iPod not seeking an unlock? Check out next “large scale, professional, clever, tech- with Alan Ellis making little if any real scathed from the experience. touch or the iPhone is as good an ex- week’s coverage for all the information.

Weekly Wrap-up: A quick guide to the best of the rest you might have missed

SSamuelamuel Technology week. Apparently someone presentation by ComScore, to show that even Brits can be tion was to eat healthier, FroYo in March with pricing unan- GGibbsibbs Editor thought it was a good idea to Britain’s mostmom st downloadeddowwnloaded morons. A footballer? I could indeed. nounced, but be sure you’ll get their Twitter name embla- iPhone apppp iiss iPint.iPPint. YYes,eses, forgive them for thinking he Sony got in on the post-CES have to sell a kidney to afford zoned on a medallion and wear Britain showsshowws was a politician or a BBC exec, news this week with its new one of these bad boys. A trade Wow, what a week in tech. Ac- it out in public. If that’s not bad their lovee ofof but not the nation’s favourite high-end ‘only the best will do’ worth making perhaps. tually to tell you the truth, it’s enough you can even get wed- booze byy past-time. Vaio Z series.series. Pack-Pack- In other nnewse Microsoft all more or less been rumour ding bands with your Twit- down- Talking of Steve Jobs, not ing an Intel Core is urging XP about Apple’s flaming tablet. ter handles engraved on the loading everyone gets everything right i7i7,, 6GB RAMRAM,, aann and IE6 users Thankfully a few other things inside. Wow. I admittedly use a pintt and even he can be at fault. NNvidiavidia GT330M to upgrade happened this week, so let’s get Twitter quite a lot but come simulationon inin A shocking revelation came GPU iinn pparallelarallllel pronoto fol- stuck in eh? on, seriously? That’s just sad. their millions. out this week about the name wwithith integrated llowing the First up we’ve got a man Ever thought what a 7.5m If you don’t know what iPint that Jobs would have given Intel HD graph- GGoogle hack- killed by Avatar.r. Yes CaCam-m disco ball wouldw look like? Well does, find someone with an the iMac line if they’d let him: ics, alonalongg iningg that’s re- eron’s 3D, supersmurfsmurf epic, ttakeake a trip to Paris and you can iPhone. Chances are they’ll the Macman. Dodged a bullet ceccentlyn taken the not only shattereded bboxox oof-f- seesee one hanging some 50m have it. there Steve. hheadlines.ea fice revenue but ccanann aalsolso above the ground spar- More Apple related strange- Google has been in the MoMozilla also un- kill you. A 42-year-year- klingkling under spotlight. ness this week and no, not news a lot this week one wayy leashedash Firefox 3.6 old Taiwanesese TheT massive disco even about the iTablet. Appar- or another. Something you RC2 ththisi week prep- cinema goer suf- bball consists of 1000 ently 20% of people surveyed might have missed however is withith a FFull ll pingif for a final fil release some- fered a stroke mirrors and is part by Lewis PR in the UK when that the next iteration of the HD LED backlit display into time in the next week or two. likely brought of a contempo- asked who Steve Jobs was, the Android operating system is a svelte 1.4Kg 13.3” frame, The Winter Olympics is on by ‘over-ex- rary art exhibition enigmatic CEO of Apple, Inc., going to be called ‘FroYo’. Yes the Vaio Z is a PC users wet coming to Freesat from the citement’ trig- called Nuit Blanche thought he was a footballer. that’s right, Frozen Yoghurt. dream. A finger print reader, 12th February in HD. This gered by the film.. aabove the Jardin du Now, I’m sure you’ve all seen Someone at Google obviously webcam, Bluetooth 2.1 and 3G joins the World Cup, Six Na- Remember kids,ds, LLuxembourg.u the ‘Stupid American’ YouTube has a food obsession; first we modem also come along for tions, Golf Masters, Wimble- it’s not real OK? MoreM weird and won- videos where they go an sur- had ‘cupcake’, then ‘donut’, the ride, making this machine don and a boat load of Europe- More ridiculousness derfuld f l news, this time from vey the dumbest people on with 2.0 called ‘eclair’. Perhaps spec wise, one of the best lap- an football broadcast in HD. A in the form of ‘TwittaBling’ this Britain. According to a recent the planet, but this just goes someone’s New Year’s resolu- tops ever made. It’ll launch good time to be a Freesat user. felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 21 [email protected] TECHNOLOGY Google’s done with China’s censorship Simon Worthington takes a look at the story that has the technology press going crazy over censorship

oogle and China have nev- er really been the best of GOOGLE-CHINA friends, and now finally it’s all over. Following security TIMELINE (cont.) breachesG of Google servers by hackers thought to originate from China, last 6/2006 week Google announced that it would be removing censorship from all of its Google sells its share in Baidu. Chinese services. Although the future is still uncertain, it’s extremely likely Jan 2006 that we’ll see the end of Google.cn and Google.cn goes live in China, the company effectively exiled from the country. As is usual, Google claims complete with self-censorship the moral high ground and reinforces of topics deemed controversial its “don’t be evil” attitude, but other ev- by the Chinese government. idence suggests that Google may have another hidden agenda. In mid-December, attackers were able to gain access to two Gmail ac- counts of Chinese human rights activ- ists by using a previously undocument- ed flaw with Internet Explorer. Actual May 2007 correspondence was not obtained, Shareholders vote down an but the hackers were still able to get anti-censorship measure information on basic account details, including the subject lines of emails. which would have seen Google Dmitri Alperovitch from computer closing its Chinese services. security firm McAfee claimed that this was the most sophisticated hack- ing attack on a commercial company that he has ever been seen. The cor- porate servers of Adobe and at least 33 Google’s Chinese head-quarters, perhaps soon to be an empty shell should the pull out go ahead. other companies were also targeted in Feb 2008 the ‘highly coordinated’ attack, which Google says originated from China. China, even if it meant ‘having to shut number one visited website (which in- Google goes head-to-head The level of sophistication entailed down Google.cn’ and their Chinese of- GOOGLE-CHINA terestingly enough Google used to own with Baidu by launching its leads many to suggest that the hackers fices. This does however seem a little a share in prior to setting up their own own music download store. were agents of, if not directly employed suspicious, especially considering that TIMELINE service). According to Alexa, while by, the Chinese government. some top security analysts have called Baidu sits in the top spot Google ranks Google’s local presence in China the attack ‘routine’ despite its level of a paltry third, for once failing to domi- began in 2006 when the company sophistication. Mikko Hypponen of nate the search market. Given this rela- launched Google.cn, which is to China security firm F-Secure said, ‘this wasn’t tively poor performance for the search what Google.co.uk is for us. Although in my opinion ground-breaking as an Sept 2002 engine giant it wouldn’t be surprising the company was obviously very posi- attack. We see this fairly regularly.’ if quitting China has been on the cards June 2009 tive to be doing business in the country, Given also that Google has so far made China blocks access to Google for quite a while. Google does stand the move attracted massive criticism no claim to be ending its compliance for 10 days. Traffic redirected to to lose $600 million annually from the Chinese authorities order after it was revealed that search results with US laws which limit freedom of a government controlled search move, but that is a tiny sum compared Google to block all access to were being actively censored according speech, such as those which made it engine. to their global revenue of $22 billion. pornographic material. to rules from the Chinese government. remove sites critical of scientology in What’s more likely is that Google This included websites critical of the 2002, it’s easy to wonder if censorship have decided their “don’t be evil” im- Communist regime and news and really is the only item pushing Google’s age is worth more than the money they images from particular events, most agenda. After all, if such attacks are in- stand to lose. Indeed, although their famously the Tiananmen Square pro- deed ‘routine,’ then why has this par- stock price took a tumble after the an- tests. At the time co-founder Sergey ticular incident made the company do Sept 2004 nouncement just days later it was back Dec 2009 Brin still tried to emphasise that they such an abrupt U-turn on its censor- to its original position as if nothing were doing the right thing. Part of the ship policy? Google opens up its popular had happened. In 2006 many called Google servers are attacked agreement was that Google could tell Clearly, a company as big as Google advertising program, Adsense, for a boycott on the search engine and by ‘sophisticated’ hackers users that their searches were being does not act on impulse when pull- to Chinese text ads. said that the company had betrayed its thought to originate from filtered and by doing so, Brin claimed, ing out of a market as large and with ideals. Google will be hoping that this China. it would let Chinese citizens know that as much potential as China. The evi- move will restore its position in the their government was trying to hide public eye as a ‘nice’ company and win information. it some favourable publicity which will Things continued in this way until have much more financial benefit in 2009 when the Chinese authorities “Clearly, a June 2004 the West. This move also puts pressure began to tighten their grip on inter- on rivals Microsoft and Yahoo who Jan 2010 net access in the country. Along with Baidu, a domestic Chinese continue to operate under censorship company as Google commits to ending the demand for all home PCs to run search engine company, and have much more to lose from quit- ‘Green Dam’, government censorship ting the Chinese market altogether. censorship on Google.cn, even big as Google receives a ‘sizeable’ investment software masquerading as a parental Although Google’s decision does if this means leaving China. control filter, the China Illegal Infor- from a consortium of send a strong message about censor- mation Reporting Centre demanded doesn’t act on ship and freedom of speech, it cannot that Google block several overseas companies led by Google. be denied that Google has a lot to gain websites of which many were sexual personally from it. Taken at face value, in nature. Then, in December, hackers impulse” this decision certainly will cost Google infiltrated Google and tried to gain ac- Sept 2004 money up front. But in the long term cess to the Gmail accounts of Chinese their reputation of being a ‘nice’ and Jan 2010 human rights activists. dence may suggest that at least part Google is found to be omitting ‘good’ company may serve them better Following the incident, and in con- of the reason for Google’s actions is news sources blocked by the and help them to succeed in the mar- Google delays launch of junction with what they call ‘attempts self-interested or economic. Google.cn Chinese government from its kets they currently do not dominate, Android phones in China. over the past year to further limit is very much an underdog in China to such as their ever-growing Android free speech,’ on 12th January Google Baidu.com, the government controlled Google News China service. phone business, whose China launch signalled the end to its censorship in search engine that is currently China’s has recently been delayed by Google. 22 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 Film Editors Zuzanna Blaszczak & Ed Knock FILM [email protected]

telligence make for an endearing char- Sex & Drugs & Rock acter. Whitecross walks this tightrope & Roll between sympathy and contempt im- A dazzling taste of Italian style Director Mat Whitecross maculately throughout, as Dury shines Screenwriter Paul Viragh on stage his desperate, malicious antics Cast Andy Serkis, Naomie Harris towards his family and friends contrast ance as the victim of Contini’s nu- full-coloured (very effectively in red Running Time 115 mins purposely creating an immensely ab- Nine merous affairs, her intense rendition and black) scene of Saraghina, various sorbing protagonist. Director Rob Marshall of “Take it All” making the audience other women, sand and tambourines. Intricately told among Dury’s rise to Screenwriter James Cameron truly sympathise with the situation this What’s more impressive is Fergie’s per- TTytusytus MMurphyurphy fame and his subsequent decline are Cast Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, woman is in, Cruz is overflowing with fect transformation into her character. his relationships with his long-suffer- Sigourney Weaver sex appeal, more so when she’s twist- She gained something like eight kilos ing wife Betty (Olivia Williams) and his Running Time 162 mins ing and wrapping her body around and with her push-up dress, messy hair A metamorphosis from Gollum of young lover Denise (Naomie Harris) as ropes and curtains, Kidman blesses the and glaring eyes, she looks exactly like Lord Of The Rings to proto-punk cock- they both fluctuate with pure anger screen with her angelic, beautiful pres- someone who successfully sells sex for ney icon Ian Dury is seamlessly made at his selfishness to a loving fondness JJohnohn PParkark ence etc... But the important factor is a living, promising to fulfill all the hid- by the sterling Andy Serkis in this bi- of his rare tenderness. However it his to remember that this is a musical and den male fantasies. opic capturing the trials and tribula- relationship with son Baxter which to ask the crucial question of whether Due to the large cast, some actresses tions of one of the most unique and provides the most compelling of sub- Among the never-ending stream of they can sing. Well, of course they can. aren’t given enough deserving focus. distinctive things to rear its ugly head plots, Baxter is played by the young modern musical films, there were some The casting of Day-Lewis was con- Loren, Dench and Kidman are all mar- in 1977. Perhaps rekindling the spirit Bill Milner who maturely and splen- hits, (Moulin Rouge, Hairspray) com- sidered to be an odd one when first vellous singers but are all underused. Dury could even be deemed a glamour didly complements the wild antics of plete critical/financial flops (2009’s announced. No-one knew whether he Giving each and every one of them role for Serkis after Gollum? his father as he is taken on tour and Fame and Rent) and those in between could sing or not, and no-one really the full attention would probably have Director Mat Whitecross weaves placed under the sensible watch of the (Evita, The Phantom of the Opera). But knew whether he could be convinc- brought the running time right up to together a colourful, raucous, moving ‘Sulphate Strangler’. Dury’s relation- before you say “Oh no, not another ing as an Italian. But once again, he the three-hour mark and could have account of Ian Dury, both as the east ship with his father (Ray Winstone) flashy, camp, musical film”, Nine turns doesn’t disappoint and his perform- been overly tedious. But it’s just not end wordsmith who’s witty, frequently is also cleverly incorporated into film into a complex character study of one ance is faultless. He surprises all of us that easy to forget all about the three crude but always razor-sharp rhyming and adds yet another layer of depth to complicated film director. when he proves that his singing is just fabulous actresses after their stunning is still revered to this very day, but also the complex emotional input of Dury Nine is based on an Italian master- as powerful and effective as his acting. but brief appearances. poignantly capturing the difficulties who fables his respect for his father piece 8 ½ directed by Federico Fellini, He only sings a couple of songs, but Nine is a sophisticated, dazzling, Dury encountered as a child branded in the eternal ‘My Old Man’. There is which incidentally is based on Fellini they’re unforgettable ones. His scruffy savvy musical. Rob Marshall delivers a disabled. Polio ravaged his left arm and also a touching and thought-provoking himself. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Guido appearance reflects his chaotic lifestyle more stylish, focused film than his pre- leg when swimming in his early school side-story into Dury’s contribution to Contini, a troubled but once talented and it’s not surprising that he’s strug- vious musical effort Chicago. There is days and Whitecross tactfully fuses the the United Nations year of the disabled film director who is failing to write a gling to write a script. a noticeable lack of memorable songs, trauma of this event and Dury’s subse- with his infamous song ‘spasticus au- single word for his script even when Hudson, although stuck with a char- and it won’t be easy to hum the songs quent horrific early experiences in an tisticus’ that is pivotal to understand- the costumes are beingg made, the sets acter who doesn’t end up being too cru- again outside the cinema but it’s hard institute for disabled children, along ing Dury and is excellently embedded are being built, and the film is ssup-up- cial, is givengiven her moment to shine with too care when yyouou can remember the with incredibly powerful insights into into narrative by Whitecross. posed to be shot in tenn days. His writ- probably one of the best and memora- astonishing choreog- Dury’s relationships with his family Do you need to be fan of Dury or The er’s block is worsened by the compli- ble songs in the film, “Cinema Italiano.” raphy and faultless and lovers to his unrelenting desire to Blockheads to enjoy this? cated relationships he shares with the She sings and dances her heart out, as performances in a succeed as an entertainer. Absolutely not, it is an absorbing, various women in his life. Day-Lewis’ do the backing singers/dancers. The heart-beat. The film contains strong family in- exciting and subtle tear jerker of a film Contini is not Marcellolo Mastroianni’s music is immediately catchy, as is the put into conveying exactly how spite- that provides a wonderful insight into Guido in 8 ½ but is a more confused, electrifying choreography that Hudson ful a bastard Dury really was, the end the life of one of the most unique in- burnt-out, and most importantly,mportantly, is an handles perfectly. result leading son Baxter Dury to pro- dividuals to emerge in the late 70s, ir- original character that does not try to A specialspecial round of applauseapplause however, claim that he ‘bled internally’ upon respective of whether you love, hate or mimic the old version in any way.way. must go to Ferguson, who argua- viewing Serkis bringing back the ghost know nothing of Dury, it is a dynamic, To be honest, whoo wouldn’t be bly delivers the best musical of his father, whilst some members of human and buoyant film with an un- slightly distracted in his situa- number in the film. For the family feel the film does not go far precedented kaleidoscope of energy in tion? He’s surrounded by beauti- those who have seen not enough to expose his grotesque- its protagonist that makes for highly ful women; his wife Luisaisa (Marion the trailers, the song ness. Pitching Dury in the most objec- charged viewing. In a final swansong Cotillard), his seductiveve mistress “Be Italian” will be quite tive light is a tough task, despite being Whitecross allows Dury to hit every Carla (Penélope Cruz),uz), his familiar. But just wait a notoriously difficult man when in- viewer with his rhythm stick once muse Claudia (Nicolele until youyou see toxicated his charm, humour and in- more. Kidman), his confi-- the big pic-pic- dante Lilane (Judi ture, when Dench), Stephanie the big filled by several 40-something classic (Kate Hudson) a screen 44 Inch Chest British actors give the film a Reservoir stunning reporter and Director Malcolm Venville Dogs meets Full Monty feel, although who wants to have a sound Screenwriter Louis Mellis unfortunately lacks the real gritty dra- good lay with Con- systemssystems Cast Ray Winstone, John Hurt ma that was expected. tini more than any- capture Running Time 95 mins Ray Winstone gives an over-the-top thing else, memo- Fergu- heartbroken performance, and his ries of his Mamma son’s bold, overshadowed by his callous friends. (Sophia Loren), and steadysteady SStefantefan ZeemanZeeman Be prepared for a tedious masterclass a prostitute from his voice as well of the four letter word from all the childhood, Saraghina as the sexy, individuals, especially Jon Hurt’s bril- (Stacey ‘Fergie’ Fergu- dangerous and From the writers of Sexy Beast (2000), liant character ‘Old man peanut’. The son) who taught him captivating visuvisu-- 44 Inch Chest gains cult status for a dif- grumpy old git contrasts brilliantly to the art of love-making. als. The song ferent approach to a British gangster Ian McShane’s suave personality, and All of these characters coverscovers two very movie. Ray Winstone plays Colin, a their banter is comical throughout. are introduced in a different time-time- broken man who’s been suddenly left Director Malcolm Venville applies his spectacular opening lines and styles. by his wife, Liz (Joanna Walley). Ini- own bizarre element to the film in an sequence where the There’s Contini’s tially blinded with rage, Colin seeks re- attempt to deepen Ray Winstone’s dis- women’s relation- intimate black- venge by tracking down the ‘loverboy’ tressed character, but just makes him ships with Guido are and-white flash- – a young man who has been having look foolish. briefly explained. back of Saraghi- an affair with his wife. He calls upon Considering most recent British Reading the long na teaching the several of his ageing gangster friends gangster films involve Danny Dyer list of fabulous actors ever-so enthu-enthu- to help capture loverboy and keep him chucking bricks at West Ham fans, can build up unwant- siastic boys about prisoner in an abandoned house in a this a fresh change. But in general I ed hype and expecta- sex, and then dark corner of London. doubt people want to see a bunch of tions. We all know theyy there’s the more The film is almost entirely shot in a criminals, well past their sell-by-date, can act full stop. Just papassion-ssion- single room of the abandoned house. tirelessly monologing about marital between the eight of atate,e,e The minimal storyline leaves the char- problems. them they share seven acters to do all the legwork to make Writers Louis Mellis and David Scin- Oscar wins and eleven the film half-decent. Fortunately, the to last collaboration, Sexy Beast (2000), further nominations. cast is brilliant, and there is sufficient is much more memorable than this Cotillard gives a quiet diversity so your attention shouldn’t one. Only the darkly comic actors save but intense perform- waver too much. The confined space this film from pure mediocrity. felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 23 [email protected] FILM The blaggers guide to being a film geek With three pints down your throat, the conversation in the pub shifts to some deep intellectual shit. “Have you seen the new Ken Loach film?” a friend inquires and your heart sinks. Politics you can handle but when it comes to films, you don’t know diddly squat. To save you from looking like an idiot again I’ve made you a present. So here’s a nifty little guide for all you philistines who don’t know your Soderberg from your Spielberg. Legendary Directors The ‘Classics’ Speak the Lingo

Alfred Hitchcock - Although he turned out Citizen Kane - Old man dies and drops snow Method Acting - The ultimate style of acting classic after classic Hitchcock never won an globe muttering ‘rosebud’. News reporters try though peronal experience to truely understand Oscar. When the Academy finally bothered but fail to find out what rosebud means, turns out your character. For example; Robert de Niro to award him an ‘honoury’ one, he replied it’s the name of his... drove a taxi for a year for Taxi Driver. with the shortest acceptance speech ever - Directed by and starring the great Orson Welles. “Thankyou”. He was a Londoner too. Casablanca - Humphrey Bogart is happy making New Wave - Any movement in cinema in which money during WW2 but then his ex turns up with a new ethos of filmmaking emerges, the French Akira Kurosawa - The master of Japanese her hubby needing a favour. Bogey doesn’t want New Wave being the most famous. Cinema. The Good The Bad and The to help but then he does and there’s some drama Ugly, The Magnificent Seven, Star Wars and a happy ending. Oh and there are loads of Auteur - A director with his own unique style and Vantage Point are all rip-offs of his Nazis. evident in all his films. Stanley Kubrick was one films. He also made Shakespeare actually of the greatest auteurs. entertaining with the epic film Ran. The Godfather - Wedding, offers you can’t refuse, sleeping with fishes, ba da bing, revenge, Female fatale - A beautiful woman with hidden Vittorio de Sica - During the 50s the Sicily, dead wife, new wife, dead brother, dead agendas who causes the downfall of a man. Italians ruled the film world until the dad, new godfather, lots of shooting, dead Dons, French stole their crown. De Sica’s lying to the wife, kiss my ring! The Fourth Wall - If a character breaks the ‘Neorealist’ films were a breath of fresh fourth wall he directly addresses the audience socialist air against the glossy movies of the 2001 A Space Odyssey - Ape-men find a big like Michael Caine does in Alfie. Hollywood studio system. rectangular rock, ape-man throws bone in the air. Jump cut to waltzing spaceship. Spacemen High Concept - Film’s premise shortened to one David Lynch - To be really cool you have to find another rock on moon. Jump cut to different sentence, think shark eats tourists for Jaws. High claim you enjoy this guy’s films. Eraserhead spaceship, creepy computer goes crazy but fails concepts are designed to appeal to big audiences was beyond surreal and then there is to kill Dave. Jump cut to another rock in space, it’s Naked Lunch which will haunt your dreams like the start of Doctor Who. Jump cut to a weird Kitchen Sink - British Socialist dramas about for ever. Play the Lynch card in a discussion house, Dave gets old really quickly. Jump cut to the working class usually set in north. The only on film and you will be worshipped by all. Dave in space, he’s turned into a fetus. The End. reason why anyone has heard of Barnsley.

How a pretentious film geek has different opinions on very popular films What you would say: What the film geek says:

Forest Gump - Quality Film! The story is really good, I think Forest Gump? Moronic Gump is a more fitting title. The episodic it’s really clever how Forest keeps on changing what he does to format of the film is tedious and throws no surprises. Tom Hanks’ keep the audience entertained. Tom Hanks’ acting is amazing! performance is simply irritating. I recommend If... instead. Saving Private Ryan - The Normandy beach landing is I agree that the Normandy landings scene is amazingly reproduced but incredibly realistic and gritty. The film is excellent at portraying Spielberg loses the plot soon after as the film becomes melodramatic the absurdity of war and the battle at the end is brilliant! and full of clichés. I recommend The Thin Red Line instead. bbyy Ed KKnnocock FiFilmlm Ediditotor

No more Spiderman Avatar closing in on Golden Globe voters for Tobey Maguire Titanic at the box office agree with the hype. felix Online Sam Raimi has walked away James Cameron now holds James Cameron took the Best Visit felix Online for from Spiderman 4 due to the prestigious title of Director award for Avatar which more reviews and the problems with the script. Sony most successful filmmaker also won Best Motion Picture. full versions of the ones Pictures have now announced ever. Avatar has raked in How the Academy will respond printed opposite. a franchise reboot without $1,624,059,398 in worldwide when the Oscars roll by will be New Reviews include: Maguire concentrating on ticket sales putting it in second interesting to see. Meanwhile - Brothers Spideys adolescent years. Raimi place to Titanic whose total Martin Scorsese was awarded - Late Autumn is rumoured to be now working sales amounted to a whopping the Cecil B. DeMille prize for on a World of Warcraft project $1,835,300,000 being generally awesome.

News Strip News www.felixonline.co.uk E

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imperialcollegeunion.org felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 25 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro

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Mon 25th Jan Sat 23rd Jan Medecins San Frontieres at Mahiki Friends of MSF Collections – 6.30-9.30pm, Mahiki, 5 Dover Street, near – Whenever you’re available! Green Park tube station – Earl’s Court, High Street Ken and Westminster tube – Special guest MSF speaker Emily to start at stations 7.30pm – Please email [email protected] if you’re interested – £5 entrance with free glass of punch on entry! – Completely free.....for you anyway... – Step down into Mahiki for complete escapism and transport yourself to a Polynesian Paradise! IC Big Band – 8-11pm, dB’s, Union “The Wounds of Gaza” – Free! – 6:30pm, G16 LT, SAF – Big Band host the Cambridge University Jazz Orches- – IC Palestinian Society presents an evening cov- tra in a classic battle between two of the countries top ering the medical situation in Gaza with guest university big bands. The mixture of jazz, latin and funk speakers Dr Ghassan Abu-Sittah & Andrea is guaranteed to get you dancing! Becker.

Sun 24th Jan IQ Spitalfields Market Trip – Meet at noon at Adgate East Station Tues 26th Jan – IQ takes a trip to the world famous market in the East End. IQ Bowling Extravaganza – Call 07963005676 for more details! – 6:30pm, meet in the Union – Bloombury’s Bowling Alley, Student night To Do.... Science & Society: Drugs, Politics and Policy 1) Buy more Kleenex...damn infec- – 6:30pm, Pippard LT, Sherfield tious people..... – Special guest interviewer Dr. Stephen Webster interviews Professor David Nutt, Weds 27th Jan 3) What d’you reckon: the former chief drug adviser to the British events from Friday – Friday, OR government. Snooker Club 8-Ball Pool Team Trials events from Monday – Sunday?? – 1:15pm, Meet at entrance to Beit Quad – Free (members), £3 (non-members) 3) Oh, and keep them coming in: – Team trials to find six 8-ball pool players [email protected] needed to compete in the annual 8-ball Pool (Club name & event, time, place, Championships. price, pics...) – Email [email protected] for more info. by end of Tues 26th Jan. IQ Postgrad Night Thurs 28th Jan – 7pm, meet at the Builder’s Arms, 1 Kensing- ton Court Place Imperial College Consultancy Society – Free! – IBM Global Business Services Event Fri 29th Jan – 6pm, 340 Huxley – Interactive Case Study Session IQ ‘Queer Question Time’ – Light refreshments provided and opportu- – 7pm, meet at the Union, Royal Vauxhall nity to network. Tavern – Come along for a great night out! IQ Games Night – 7pm, Huxley Foyer ICSM Cricket Club presents “Reggae Reg- – Free! gae Bop” – 7pm-1am, Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross – £3 entry with costume, £4 without 26 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 FEATURE [email protected] Imperial Snowsports hit Arc 1800 THIS WEEK, CHARLOTTE MORRIS REPORTS ON THIS YEARS JANUARY SKI TRIP ORGANISED BY THE IMPERIAL SNOWSPORTS SOCIETY.

etting off for the slopes on 2nd raclette consists of a wheel of Reblo- January, Imperial Snowsports chon cheese, cut in half and placed had only just recovered from under a grill. You then scrape off the New Years Eve, and the pros- layers of melted cheese and add it to Spect of a 16 hour coach journey to the your plate. It’s a very social way to eat, Alps was pretty daunting. Snow re- and after a bottle of red wine each, we ports had told us that it was going to be were all a little bit tipsy. So when the DJ bloody freezing all week, so after a last (a greying, old frenchman) kicked off minute trip to High St. Ken’ for extra the disco by playing Daft Punk, it was thermals, we were on our way! only a matter of time before we were all Luckily for most of us, the coach dancing on the tables in our ski boots. journey flew by, which could have Dangerous, you might ask? Not as had something to do with the copi- dangerous as the ‘torchlit descent’ af- ous amounts of port and whiskey con- terwards, which involved us all skiing sumed on the ferry. After a pretty un- down to the village, in the dark, only eventful journey (except for the usual lit by a few people who had lanterns of nakedness, megaphones and puking fire. Luckily for me, I managed to get - we all know who’s responsible), we down without falling, only stopping to arrived at Arc 1800 mid-afternoon, light the way for a group of people who grabbed our ski’s from the hire shop had managed to get themselves tangled and - in true Snowsports style - started in the orange safety fencing at the side drinking, again. of the piste. I have to say, the way the trip was go- With the snow conditions deterio- ing by this point, I felt like I was in for rating after the first dump of snow at a bit of a festival experience - partying the start of the week, it came as a bit so hard that I didn’t actually do what I of a relief that the last day meant more set out to do, which was to snowboard snow. Unfortunately for many people, every day. Yet, as we were comatose in after the crazy night the night before (it our beds after the first night out, the was our last night in the resort - what heavens opened and gave us an extra can I say?) there wasn’t a lot of skiing 50cm of snow. Waking up in the morn- to be done, and a lot more loitering ing to so much snow, and snow still around bars in the village, eating pizza coming down, was enough to rid us and kebabs all day. all of our hangovers, and so we were What impressed me the most about out on the slopes! I seemed to be one this year’s ski trip was how willing eve- of the only committee members for rybody was to get involved. The more whom Imperial ski trip was my first advanced skiers and snowboarders week on snow of the season, and the ested in. Following the rest of the com- in-one baby-grows (Rugrats) to dying of terrains, from moguls to freshly were happy to teach the less confident boys weren’t going to let me ease my- mittee, with a few extras, I was slightly people’s hair purple to look like Leela groomed, wide-open runs, with no lift ones, the freestyle experts were giv- self into it. The first morning meant out of my depth in skill level, which I from Futurama. stops all the way to the bottom. ing tips in the park and people offered some serious off-piste powder riding realised when I ended up headfirst in The next couple of days were perfect The highlight of my evenings has to to wax skis and snowboards and lend and some steep, powdery black runs, the snow, with two other snowboard- skiing conditions, bright blue skies and be the Mountain Meal. For those of each other kit when they needed it. which meant a lot of falling and walk- ers running to pull me out. excellent snow underfoot. We made you who have never been on an Impe- This led to such a friendly atmosphere ing for me! You would have thought that, after the most of exploring the resort, which rial ski trip, a Mountain Meal is where, within the group, which in turn, led to Les Arcs is actually a huge ski resort, playing in the powder all day, we’d all had plenty to offer. My favourite part at the end of a day’s skiing, we met at a lots of fun skiing during the day and and with the recent addition of the lift be far too tired to have another night of Les Arcs was in Arc 2000; you could restaurant at the top of the mountain. some brilliant nights out! connection to La Plagne, a neighbour- out. But there’s no rest for the wicked, take a gondola up and then a cable car We were given a bottle of wine each ing resort, the ski area is one of the and we were back on the lash again - right to the top of the mountain. Be- and ate a very filling meal of cheese So if you haven’t managed to get your biggest in the world, with pistes avail- and dressing up, cartoon characters cause the weather was so good, the raclette, a traditional Savoie dish con- fix of snow this season so far, come able to all ski levels. But with the fresh theme. My favourite outfit was a cer- views from the top were amazing. And sisting of lots of cheese, with a plate with us to BUSC’s Main Event 2010, dump of powder on the first night, the tain Banana-in-Pyjamas, and some the ski down to Arc 1600 was just as of meat (or salad for the vegetarians), which takes place at Alpe d’Huez pistes were not what we were inter- people went to a lot of effort; from all- amazing; one long run, with a mixture potatoes and pickled onions. Cheese during the Easter holidays.

Our holiday in pictures... felix FRIDAY 02 OCTOBER 2009 3 [email protected] FEATURE

unionpage

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______IMPERIAL COLLEGE January Sale UNION ______Saving you saving you money

MONEY on food MONEY on drink MONEY on stationEry MONEY on nights out

£2.95 lunches at the Union Price freeze on all our drinks Great deals in the Shop info online

imperialcollegeunion.org 28 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010

TTextext in to 07832670472 CAT-NIP Email in at [email protected] DrDropop us a message at felixonline.co.uk

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE? Ten Reasons To Get In SEND US YOUR BEST (OR WORST) SCIENCE JOKES! Touch With Catnip JOKES, LETTERS, OPINIONS  WE WANT THEM ALL! 1) It’s Fun! At least more fun than Friday afternoon lectures. 2) Your Name in Lights! Well, ink, really. But it’s still Email: [email protected] Text: 07832670472 something to show your mum. 3) Girls! It‘s well-known that women love writers. Fact! Facebook: Felix Fan Page Twitter: @felixcatnip 4) Boys! Guys like girls who know their way around a pencil.

5) Get Involved! Writing to the Student Newspaper is guaranteed to help pad out that CV.

6) Get Even! Were you the “Drunk Mate of the Week?” Take Drunken-mate photo of the week your friends out to the Union with a camera and a funnel. 7) Get It Out! Bad Lecture? Bad Day? Bad Week?! Vent your frustrations here – we’re cheaper than any therapist.

8) For The Cat! felix can only continue on your contributions Got a picture of so remember to feed the cat. 9) For A Laugh! Texting Cat-Nip with your mate’s phone that your mate being you just nicked could be the new Frape. Cat-Rape today! an absolute waste 10) Please? See, I even asked nicely. of oxygen? Well, Snow: Winter Wonder get your camera or Wicked Whiteout?

out and email your It was fun to start with but now it’s seriously pissing me off!!! Frosty and Frustrated drunken-mate It was great! I made a girlfriend out of it - not sad at all. But now she’s turned into a real drip. I think I’ll dump her soon. photos to catnip. Totally Not Sad Computing Student What snow?! I had the greenest christmas in years and I get back to london and it’s all gone! What a rip-off! [email protected] White Christmas? It’s comforting to see a new level of responsibility in the drunks of today. He Why did it have mess with all the transport? It took me 4 also had a first-aid kit and money for a taxi (or bail) secreted about his person. days to get home!!! 4 days in St. Pancras sleeping on my dirty washing! Senders must have permission to use submitted photos and Chilly Commuter accept full responsibility for them I like the snow. It makes it harder for them to find the bodies. Well-Adjusted Medic xkcd.com Munch Healthy Monday

Bike Tuesday l free activity sessions on South Kensington Campus

l free body health MOTs

l free counselling and stress management sessions Wellbeing Wednesday l free Bike Doctor services on Campus

l healthy food options in College and Union outlets

Try It Find out more and see the Thursday week’s full schedule at Finish with Fitness www.imperial.ac.uk/sports Friday 30 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010

Coffee BrBreakeak Editor Charlie Murdoch mm m m COFFEE mm..... BREAK [email protected]

Standing on Stuff Imperial students like: the table? 11. Americans: and yell ‘GET IT DOWN’ really CharlieChar Murdoch Coffee Break Editor loudly at them. Watch their little Americans! They are back, and back faces drop. in force. We love them, coming over I digress. The point is that they here and learning about our cul- really do contribute a lot to the assumed that during exams you with sportsmen, on Wednesday night ture. They are a huge amount of fun life here at Imperial and it’s amaz- would all be furiously masturbat- Ashley went mental. He started to and all seem to be called by strange ing that we have the opportunity to I ing over these puzzles. It turns scream at people like some sort of des- names like “Hope”. Never-the-less share our experiences and relate the out that I was correct. Like some perate paedophile ‘I am the President they are a huge amount of fun, and theirs. I personally really look for- sort of Claire Voyant. Have you ever give me your dignity. You common game for a laugh. Or downing a ward to their biannual invasion. thought about being a girl for a day? scum! I run this fucking place.’ At first pint. Slowly. Next one you see, just Not really. I was shitting you. Just I have, and drew the conclusion that he received some strange looks, which slip a casual penny into the glass put a not in every sentence. it would be a considerable amount for Mr Brown, is not unusual. But af- God bless America? You taking the piss? of fun trying to fuck up some poor ter a while the ‘common scum’ realised hockey fresher’s mind. But then again that what Ashley was doing was in fact I am a massive fan of psychological being the first contributor to his new maiming. In the past it has regularly venture. Adding to the funeral pyre of proved to be highly successful. dignity, a Rugby fresher mistook Ash- Moving on from maiming the gen- ley’s rambling for some sort of sexual eral public, this week the Union has invitation. At this point Brown realised LLoveovestruckstruck finally got round to installing the new that he was probably a) making limit- ffelixelix 07726 799 424 Union Bar’s Dignity Drainpipe. In ed sense and b) a bit twatted. He took a risky manoeuvre, Union President himself home, not to resurface until Ashley Brown decided that too many lunchtime the following day. “my fuckin head is banging after “Dave. you penile cord. You owe people were simple throwing their dig- In other news, Haiti appears to have the banging you gave me last night. me a new headboard after the nity away to anyone who happened to been fucked by a giant horse-come Whoever you are English boy i want thumping you gave that one. If you be in the bar drinking. Or vomiting. -stallion. Judging by the destruction it you to give me another going over.” don’t I am taking legal action.” Or pissing- got to cover all the bases, appears that this horse was on hardcore Amy the American Hard the Rugger Bugger boys may be in. So, crack. Not good, it spoilt quite a few after a colossal fuck-up which saw Col- people’s days. It brought me back to the “dan wan. You want me and I want “god gave you a gift, and that gift lege confuse Boris with a few diversion (slightly less severe) flooding in Britain you. Can’t we just break down the was the ability to fufill all my signs, thus sending him to the wrong in the summer of 2007, when the Rt. barriers and dance, dance, dance the needs. and a little bit more! come bar, Ashley stepped in to unveil the Rev Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle night away? over a copy of the felix see me again at some time. chat, new Dignity Drainpipe. pronounced that the flooding was due tomorrow?’’ maybe more?” Standing on a table (fucking health to an increase in pro-gay legislation. Lucy David the Duke and safety brap!), in the bar, packed Arsehole.

Aristotle: “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” Quote of the Week Wordoku 1,450 Wordpath 1,450 Solution 1449 Solution 1449 INTERMEDIATE EVIL N R O S T U C B K ORIGIN: HUNT K B U O C R S T N UNTE via HUNTER I C O R P S N S C T K B N R U O M O S T TUNE (An) T S R U K C O N B TONE (LS) C D K E S I O K B N R T U S C DESTINATION: NOTE (An) U N C B S O T K R OTED via NOTED I K I T P C O S T N B K R U E V I L DOTE (An) R T N C U K B O S DOLE (LS) R D K L I S A B U K R O S N C T OLED (An) How to play: DOLE via DOLED P K D C K T E P O R I M / S A T E Make a path from the origin word to the destination DOLT (LS) T E M R O A / I S word by taking steps between words using one of the TOLD (An) L C P O S T N A S / T I E O M R three following methods: GOLD (LS) S T A o/ M R I E /o D L N K P R / O S E I M A T Letter Substitution: Substitute just one letter. This clever solution I M E A T /o R S o/ e.g. WORD -> WARD was submitted by P K O A E T / O T E A M S R I Anagram: Rearrange the letters. GL Tang. Think E A R I S o/ T /o M e.g. WARD -> DRAW you could do better? K O P E D I N M I S /o R T E o/ A Wordslide: Replace the current word with a new 4 letter Submit something! word from any 5+ letter word that contains them both. Last issues obligatory mistake was How to play: Scribble box e.g. DRAW -> WING (via DRAWING) Scribble box placing the ‘E’ in the bottom left box Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; we’ve just replaced of the Evil Wordoku one cell lower numbers with letters. Complete the puzzle and then send No consecutive steps may be made by the same method. than it ought to have been - produc- the whole grid to [email protected]. You will e.g. WORD -> WARD (by LS) -> WARE (by LS) would ing two valid solutions and hiding the not get credit for just the word alone. It’s not an anagram. be invalid. word MISEROTIA. Be rest assured I have received a sound beating. Big Evil Wordoku is exactly the same... only harder... and Points are awarded for the earliest SHORTEST valid path hand to winner of last week’s easy- GL there’s a letter missing... that MAY be a duplicate - just between the two words. Dubious words will be checked Tang, please provide a name. Can’t solve it like normal and insert the letter that you believe against the OED. Send your solutions to sudoku.felix@ remember the evil winner. Sorry. makes the word. imperial.ac.uk. felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 31 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Slitherlink 1,450 Solution 1449 FUCWIT League Table 133 312 2 22123 2 TTeams:eams: 2 222 3 2 1 3 13 232 2 Harry Potter Trio 113 Points 3 3 3 The Tough Brets 115 Points 3 2 2 2 1 21 23 313 3 2 2 2 The Cool Kids and Fergal 33 Points 2 1 1 2 3 2 2 2 3 1 13 2 3 1 2 Individuals:Individuals: 2 3 3 3 Matthew Colvin 91 Points Slitherlink saw only a few entries last Ying Liang 46 Points 32week- was it that hard? Come on get yourselves in gear. Anyways, winner Kelvin Wong 39 Points was GT Lang. Welcome to the hall of 332 2 11 fame! How to play: The Felix University/College-Wide Invitational Tournament League is 21 223 new and improved, with an iPod nano for both the team and the indi- It’s quite simple, all numbers are in a vidual with the most points at the end of the year. 2 3 3 cell and must be surrounded with a 5 points for the 1st correct answers for all puzzles on these pages, corresponding number of lines. Lines 4 points for 2nd, 3 points for 3rd, 2 points for 4th and 1 point for 5th. cannot split and there can only be one continuous line. Any cells with no Now then FUCWITs, answers to [email protected]. Go! 2 3 2 2 numbers can have any number of lines. Look at the solution above for help.

Nonogram 1,450 Puzzle Poll 1 3 3 2 2 felix wants your opinion! Vote for How to play: 1 1 4 2 3 2 1 2 your favourite puzzle of CoffeeBreak The numbers represent the size and order of blocks in each 5 1 681 1 3 1 1 1 (past or current) by writing to us at column and row. There must be at least one space between [email protected] each block. See last issue’s solution below for more help. 3 5 Whilst you’re at it, why not tell us which ones you hate too, or perhaps there’s a puzzle you’d like us to do? Solution 1449 1 6 This is good isn’t it? 2 1 3 1 Lots of entries last 1 1 4 1 3 1 1 1 1 2 6 9 8 7 2 5 6 week, first entry was at 2 Solution 1449 1 1 1.07pm by The Tough Brets. Well done. The 1 3 4 2 5 3 2 1 3 Guest Puzzle rest of you feel free to 2 3 2 5 1 keep entries rolling in- 6 felix wants your puzzles! Just send 3 1 3 3 try to include a alias them to us at sudoku.felix@imperial. 1 1 8 you want to be refered 5 ac.uk and if we like them we’ll print 5 5 5 3 5 2 to as, and what puzzle them* and credit you however you 2 2 2 5 1 you are entering in the 3 desire (photo, name, alias, whatever)! 5 2 subject title. It makes 2 3 3 4 4 3 4 2 the world go round a *THE SMALL PRINT: your puzzle will belong to us etc. 3 1 little easier. No srsly it 4 3 We reserve the right to make changes. This puzzle will 3 6 4 2 does. not be eligible for FUCWIT League points. Sucks to felixOnline.co.uk relaunches Read the latest sports reports online be this

We still need your opinions. There’s a little bit guy: more to do, you’ll see when you’re on there, but we need your thoughts before we have our Best of polished final version.

Email us your feedback to felix@imperial. lolcat ac.uk 32 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 COFFEE BREAK [email protected] A quickie (crossword) 1,450

1 2 2 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 ACROSS 5 What a stick is? (6) 7 6 Fancy ocular piece; almost a Solution 1449 7 Typified by a willy/chopper, glamorous Sheffield featherweight smack-bang in the middle - boxer (5-3) 8 10 Hilltop cancer (anag.) (13) 8 Devout members - Extreme punk M A S K OA A P H O R I S M 8 Successfully complete - Stimulate sound - Very blue (8) A O T O C A I R P D T U I 8 10 9 genitals manually (5,3) 13 Rocket launcher (for verucas?) (7) N A R W H A L O C R E A M 9 Poo (4) 15 Dine at restaurant (or a lady?) (3,3) I G A D A D L T I R R P E C A P E R AR A S T R A L CH 12 10/20 Questionable children’s TV 17 Resounds (6) U U D A G E R A NA S T R L sibling duo, born Rotherham 18 Home (5) R E A P E R AL C A M E R A (7,8) 21 Stagger - Big bobbin - Scottish E L M F AR N S O I L E Y N 10 11 12 12 Laughing dog (5) dance (4) F S P H E R E RA R I G I D 14 Bottoms (5) C K O L V I V G B P R T S 15 14 13 17 16 Long and technical solo passage Actually last week’s crossword was R O U G E T E M U L A T E (classical music) (7) by the superstar ‘Imperial Amit’. Soz B L L H N T R A S N N L E 19 Proverbial drinker of Irn-Bru, bro. Winner was Tom A of the Three B R E A T H E R T O D E R 14 15 16 17 devourer of shortbread, starter Kings. Tidy. of fights etc...(4) 20 18 21 22 20 See 10 Crossword by Peter Logg 22 Horticultural labourer (like 19 20 21 Willie?) (13) Scribble box DOWN 24 25 24 1 Norse war-God (4) 22 2 Where one goes to get free johnnies, or for a “clap-test” (6) 26 3 Fancy ocular piece (7) 4 Full-blooded - Bovine (5)

Insecuri-scopes; everyone horos these, don’t they? This week’s horoscopes: Selling your confidence by the pound. It’s not making much profit, I’m not going to lie

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

This week the dildo This week you’re This week, ketamine This week, as you walk you use to keep bored. You hold a takes over your life. into university, your you awake during house party, but You literally haven’t friends are waiting in lectures slips out as  nobody turns up.  done anything  a room for you. They  you get up to leave Maybe everyone has without some trace have a banner hung up, and slides down coursework, maybe of ketamine in your and you think it’s a sur- the right leg of your jeans. You try to shake it everyone was genuinely busy. You knew this was body. Everything seems so still for once, and you prise party. But your birthday isn’t for another six out and merge with the crowd of lecture-note a bad idea. So, it’s you, 5 litres of cheap cider and don’t like it. The shaky tranquilised world you months. It’s an intervention, and they say the only gathering latecomers. The lecturer calls out to two crates of even cheaper lager. The next thing love beckons, and sniff sniff, you fall back into it’s solution to it all is if you didn’t talk to any of them you and everyone turns. She hands you back you know you’ve woken up with a tube down quivering horsey arms. Neighhh. Neeiiiigh. ever again. As they read out their intervention your dildo. There’s a smear of blood on it. your throat. Stomach-pumped? Unlucky. statements, you pinch yourself. It’s definitely real.

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

Last week you were This week, you’re on This week, you’re Your friends decide to researching chaos University Challenge, fucking a horse, whilst show some sympathy theory and the and you realise you simultaneously eating and take you on an butterfly effect. You need to do a No.2. shit vomit, whilst adventure day out.  thought the idea that  You’re in the middle shitting on previously Bungee jumping, sky that one flap of a of a round, and you’re vomitted vomit. diving, cliff-walking, butterfly wing could set off a tornado in Texas prairie-dogging quite badly. Well, it’s basically Some guy is sitting in his car watching you and deep-sea diving. Wow, you’re in for a treat. was bullshit so you stamped your foot in protest. in your pants, so you let loose. Jeremy Paxman wanking. You’re thinking about pissing and Except they won’t turn up, and they’ve paid the This week Haiti is not fucking happy! notices a smell from the Imperial desk and im- shitting in a mug and microwaving it just to see instructors to sabotage any safety equipment you mediately eliminates your pooey team. what happens when you come, the horse moans might come across and try to use. with delight and then you swap roles.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

This week you’re This week you make This week you stay You’re on the number 10 messing about with the ultimate sandwich. home and massage bus to Hammersmith. your friend’s phone, The ultimate sandwich your sore arse. You The bus hits an and stumble across consists of a sandwich, make a mental note to unsuspecting cyclist. messages about you.  IN A SANDWICH! stick to sheep. Later You break the awkward They are all bitching You foolishly leave on, you’re feeling silence by shouting about you, and how they hate all the little things your ultimate sandwich on the table and when hungry and try to walk again. Your housemate ‘TEN POINTS!’ The bus driver swiftly moves on, that you do, like clicking your fingers when you you come back, you find that your cat has eaten returns to discover you sipping from her mug. before anyone can catch his number plate, but think, rubbing your legs as you eat and touching it. Then you realise that your ultimate sandwich The microwave still smells like hot piss and shit then hits a wheelchair person. You stand up and your corneas when you’re nervous. No, actually, is in fact still there, but your cat isn’t. NEVER despite how hard you scrubbed. Perhaps you yell ‘FIFTY POINTS!’ You’re now hated by every you’re just bit of fucking weirdo. leave your ultimate sandwich alone with your cat! could stay with that man who drove you home? passenger, but fuck them you have 60 points! Pint? felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 33

(We’ve(We’vvee gonegoonne greengrgreeeen forffor GreenGreen Week,Week, HangmanPuttingPunuttingg thethe cat outouout toto drydryry nonnotot tththataatt wewe weren’twew ren’t greengrg een before...)bbefore...) [email protected] THE LEGEND OF XYRON That’s right. Xyron’s back. We’re already fed up of this shit. So are you. We can’t wait for more Xyron either!

AAnonymousnonymous Hangman Editor Rugby Lad: Rrraaaaarrrrrr tits BIFF! rarrrrr beer rrrraaaaarrrr lads It‛s midnight and the Union club, dB‛s, is packed.

Xyron my child. It is I, Lord Fiddler Crab of Galaxy 3. You are not dead. This is a fucked up coma dream thing. But before his tongue had I bring tidings of fortune in reached her drooling mouth, your time of great need. Peril Xyron kicked down the door! is not your destiny Xyron. You As Xyron walks from Gaz‛s (He had obviously had his stamp Xyron: Giraffe I‛m sending must rise to the challenge of house, he begins to wonder if checked first) you through a recording of a getting with Porsche the Uni- it‛s all worth it. Does he really primitive language: I need you versity Slut. It has been said love Porche? Will Porche love decode it for me asap. I fear that she is well fit. For this him? What is love? Is love real? trouble is afoot. The fight is over. mission I bestow upon you the Is love imaginary? Does love lie Xyron is dead. Fiddle of Truth. You will know in the complex plane? Shit did how to use this when the time Hangman just make a maths comes. Now I shall kiss you joke? A biting January wind back to consciousness! whips up his trench coat. A bad

Xyron: Put my lady down! Giraffe: Hmm this is a tricky (To Porsche) I have come to one but I think it roughly rescue you fair Porsche! I am translates to ‘back off star Xyron, defender of Galaxy 3, war boy, she mine!‛ w and leader of peoples, and I am TTWATTERWATTER here to protect you. Such ex- Xyron: Star Wars boy!? Lucas Meanwhile, Porsche, the Union quisite beauty must not be vio- has no idea what really goes SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 bicycle, is having a great time lated by these brigands. on out in space. In galaxy 3 in BD‛s with the rugby lad. there certainly aren‛t any Shit. We gota send aid to Haiti. ffs. it’s only The Rugby lad gently stupid little teddybear people, ricHter 7. I sleep through Richter 7!111!!! places the slut on the giant slugs or Jamaican floppy floor eared lizard twats SexyOsama69 The Rugby lad moves in closer. Try Africa. They hav lots of AIDS lol :p Xyron senses danger Barack_attack_l33thaxor Sigh. Osie. AIDS jokes are so two thousand and Xyron: Uh oh… Giraffe quick, upload a Kung-Fu module into late my belt. My senses say danger It is only time before the club SexyOsama69 shuts and Xyron‛s fair maiden is Giraffe: What are you on walked home to bed. And Xyron about? What module? wat bout blak jokes?Ah mate was guna tell you knows that rugby players have well funny blak joke but Dan Wan wudnt let the tendency to accidentally Xyron: Just do it DAMMIT! fall over and stick their penis (to Rugby lad) I‛m warning you me. wat a chinese twat in things. human, do not come any clos- Barack_attack_l33thaxor er, for I possess the speed It‛s now 12.59 and the DJ is of the cheetah, the guile of sealing off the thriving party the magpie and the dexterity “Harro! Im Dana wan, feerix editar, and feerix atmosphere with a song that of the gazel. Your brute force do notta rike wacism” LOL nobody knows. The rugby lad is is no match for my confidence leaning in… belt! Surrender now and - 34 felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 SPORT [email protected]

FIXTURES & RESULTS in association with Sports Partnership

Sunday 17th January Hockey (ULU) BUCS Cup Hockey (ULU) Hockey Challenge Cup Volleyball Women’s 1st vs University of Portsmouth 2nd Challenge Cup Men’s 2nd 2 - 2 Canterbury Christ Church Uni 2nd Men’s 1s vs Imperial Medicals 1s Mixed 1s vs St George’s Hospital Mixed 1s Women’s 1s 3 - 2 St George’s Medical School 1s Women’s 2nd 8 - 0 Buckinghamshire New Univer- Reserve Cup Hockey Reserve Cup sity 1st Men’s 3s vs Royal School of Mines 1s Water Polo(ULU) BUCS Cup Women’s 2s 4-0 King’s College Medicals 3s Men’s 5s vs Royal Free & University College Medical Mixed 1s vs St Bart’s 1s Women’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st Netball School 2s ULU Monday 18th January Women’s 3rd 37 - 12 Canterbury Christ Church Uni Men’s 2s vs St Barts 1s Basketball (ULU) 4th Lacrosse (ULU) Women’s 2s vs St George’s Hospital 2s Men’s 1s 77 - 71 UCL 1s Mixed 1s vs Royal Holloway 2s Wednesday 27th January Rugby Badminton Lacrosse Netball (ULU) Men’s 1st 38 - 5 RUMS 1st Rugby (ULU) Men’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st Men’s 1st vs Canterbury University 1st Women’s 1s 18-17 UCL 2s Men’s 2nd 42 - 5 Imperial College Medicals 2nd Women’s 1s vs St George’s Hospital Medical School 1s Women’s 1st vs University of Chichester 1st Women’s 3s 22-9 St Barts 3s Men’s 3rd 14 - 20 Royal Holloway 2nd BUCS Cup Netball Water Polo Men’s 2nd vsUniversity of Kent 2nd BUCS Cup Squash (ULU) Tennis Women’s 1st vs University of East Anglia 1st Women’s 1st vs King’s College 1st Men’s 1s 5-0 Imperial College 2s Men’s 1st 5 - 5 University of Brighton 1st Basketball Men’s 3s 0-5 Royal Holloway 1s Men’s 2nd 3 - 7 UCL 3rd BUCS Cup Rugby Women’s 1st 0 - 10 Brunel University 1st Monday 25th January Women’s 1st vs Queen Mary 1st Men’s 4th vs St George’s Hospital 2nd Water Polo(ULU) Basketball (ULU) ULU Men’s 1st vs Imperial Medicals 1st Mixed 1st 9-10 UCL Mixed 1s Cup Men’s 2s vs Imperial Medicals 1s Men’s 2nd vs St Barts 1st Saturday 23rd January Men’s 1s vs Imperial Medicals 1s Men’s 3rd vs University of the Arts 1st Wednesday 20th January Football (ULU) Fencing Badminton (ULU) Men’s 2s vs LSE 2s Netball (ULU) Women’s 2nd vs University of Kent 1st Squash Men’s 1st 7 - 1 University of Portsmouth 1st Men’s 7s vs St Bart’s 4s Women’s 2s vs King’s College 3s BUCS Cup Men’s 2nd vs University of Surrey 1st Women’s 1st 7 - 1 University of Kent 1st Challenge Cup Women’s 4s vs London School of Economics 5s Men’s 2nd vs Queen Mary 1st Women’s 1st vs UCL 1st Men’s 1s vs SOAS 1s Men’s 3rd vs University of Portsmouth 1st Football Reserve Cup Table Tennis Men’s 3rd vs Imperial College Medicals 2nd Men’s 5s vs UCL 7s Squash (ULU) Football Men’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st BUCS Cup Challenge Cup ULU Men’s 1st 1 - 5 University of Reading 1st Sunday 24th January Women’s 1s vs SOAS 1s Men’s 3s vs Royal Holloway 3s Tennis Men’s 2nd 1 - 2 LSE 3rd Basketball (ULU) Men’s 1s vs UCL 1s Men’s 6s vs SOAS 2s Women’s 1st vs LSE 1st ULU Cup Men’s 2s vs St George’s Hospital Medical School 1s Men’s 5s vs King’s College 4s Men’s 1st vs UCL 2nd Men’s 7s vs Heythrop College 1s Men’s 2nd vs St Bart’s 1st Reserve Cup Men’s 7s vs King’s College 6s BUCS Cup Men’s 5s 2 - 3 LSE 4s Men’s 3s vs King’s College 2s Men’s 4s vs Royal Holloway4s Men’s 2nd vs University of Essex 1st Men’s 6s 6 - 2 Royal Holloway 6s

Overheard at Imperial Heard something around College that has made you want to die inside? Submit it to the ‘Overheard at Imperial’ Facebook group 1. “A drunk chemist (is there any other kind?) staggering home but stopping long enough to inform the policemen standing next to their car that the Thames Valley slogan ‘Reducing Crime, Disorder and Fear’ was wrong because it contradicts the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Apparently they tried to arrest him...”

2. 4 undergrads sitting at a table in the library revising hard for a Maths exam, one says “I should have just gone to UCL”.

3. Guy at Huxley building: “A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?”

4. Girl talking to fellow biologist in Sherfield: “Shit man, I though tigers were female lions.”

SHIT ONE OF THE WEEK

Me to Chris: Are you serious??? Chris to me: No...I’m parallel!

Thanks to Adam Gill and Esther Kang felix FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 2010 35 [email protected] SPORT Crackdown on gouging in Reading dump attempt to clean up rugby’s image felixSports League ICUAFC out of Team PWDL F A Diff felixSport Index BUCS cup David Wilson Sports Editor game has finished. The implementation of lengthy bans 1 Volleyball Men's 1st 6 6 0 0 12 1 11 5.00 coupled with better than ever video 2 Fencing Women's 1st 5 5 0 0 668 465 203 5.00 Continued from back page On Tuesday this week David Attoub, equipment is seen to be the great- 3 Badminton Men's 1st 8 7 1 0 46 18 28 4.63 a prop forward for the flamboyant Pa- est deterrent to those who do gouge 4 Squash Women's 1st 9 6 3 0 28 8 20 4.00 the Reading goalkeeper. risian team Stade Francais, was given their opponents. Only time will tell if 5 ICSM Rugby Men's 1st 9 8 0 1 332 116 216 4.00 Reading gradually regained pos- a 70-week ban for eye gouging, while it works. 6 ICSM Netball Women's 2nd 6 4 2 0 238 184 54 4.00 session and after a few lukewarm op- team mate Julien Dupuy was banned Ultimately the reputation of rugby 7 Lacrosse Women's 1st 8 7 0 1 145 21 124 3.88 portunities, they restored their 3-goal for 23 weeks for the same offence. The and the players are the ones who suf- 8 Table Tennis Men's 1st 8 7 0 1 107 29 78 3.88 advantage in a manner similar to that recipient of both men’s attention was fer as a consequence of this underhand 9 Squash Men's 3rd 7 6 0 1 15 6 9 3.71 of the first goal. Imperial were again Ulsterman Stephen Ferris, attacked action: Dupuy would have been named 10 Rugby Men's 1st 9 7 1 1 271 65 206 3.67 caught out in the middle and the Read- during a hotly contested Heineken cup in Marc Lievremont’s French squad for 11 ICSM Badminton Men's 1st 7 5 1 1 42 14 28 3.29 ing striker worked well to drag the cen- game in December. Both players de- the six nations, announced yesterday. 12 Netball Women's 2nd 7 5 1 1 245 137 108 3.29 tre backs out of their position to and nied gouging even in the face of photo- However in his absence others will 13 Lacrosse Men's 1st 5 4 0 1 50 34 16 3.20 was rewarded with a well-taken finish. graphic evidence, having the audacity now be able to showcase their talents; 14 Volleyball Women's 1st 5 4 0 1 8 3 5 3.20 Imperial didn’t give up and again cre- to claim the evidence may have been Dupuy may rue the decision but can 15 Fencing Men's 1st 5 4 0 1 639 544 95 3.20 ated some chances with dynamic play edited by the Irish photographer. Stade blame no one but himself. 16 Squash Men's 4th 10 8 0 2 12 9 3 3.20 from Matthieu Vallin and Nathan Fer- Francais president, Max Guazzini, has Alternatively, Schalk Burger, the 17 ICSM Hockey Men's 1st 9 7 0 2 38 17 21 3.00 rol, to no avail. been more than vocal with his views of Springbok flanker, grappled with Luke 18 Football Men's 1st 8 5 1 2 26 17 9 2.38 Reading completed their scoring the incident and subsequent bans even Fitzgerald’s eye socket within the first 19 Hockey Women's 1st 7 4 1 2 36 7 29 2.00 with another counter attack, taking going as far to say that it is ‘anti-French’. 30 seconds of the second Lions test this 20 Tennis Men's 2nd 6 4 0 2 33 27 6 2.00 advantage of the fatigue of the outfield The length of bans had been re- summer. Although the assistant ref- 21 ICSM Hockey Women's 2nd 7 3 2 2 10 18 -8 1.57 players and us the wings to stretch viewed over the summer after the eree witnessed the event, Burger was 22 Hockey Men's 2nd 6 3 1 2 12 11 1 1.50 Imperial and then deliver a low cross abysmal handling of similar gouging inexplicably given just 10 minutes in 23 ICSM Hockey Men's 3rd 6 3 1 2 15 13 2 1.50 which was met by the Reading striker. incidents involving Sergio Parisse and the sin bin instead of being dismissed 24 Squash Men's 1st 7 4 0 3 19 16 3 1.14 The game was played out and the Schalk Burger where both men were from the field of play. Had Burger 25 Tennis Men's 1st 7 4 0 3 43 27 16 1.14 game ended 5-1 to the favourites. Cup sentenced to just an 8 week ban each. been correctly sent off, the Springboks 26 Netball Women's 1st 9 5 0 4 364 301 63 1.00 matches often yield surprises but un- Gouging is seen to be the most damag- would probably not have won the sec- 27 Football Men's 2nd 8 4 0 4 15 12 3 0.50 fortunately it wasn’t to be for Imperial ing action for the reputation of rugby; ond test and the lions tour that nearly 28 Basketball Men's 1st 6 3 0 3 387 388 -1 0.50 who were against a team who scored 5 use of performance enhancing drugs is was could have ended up with a differ- 29 ICSM Netball Women's 1st 6 3 0 3 212 201 11 0.50 of the 6 chances they created. If Impe- very rare, aside from a few isolated in- ent outcome. After the second test, the 30 Fencing Women's 2nd 8 4 0 4 819 988 -169 0.50 rial are to rise up a notch and secure cidents. Professional rugby players are South African coach Peter de Villiers 31 Badminton Men's 2nd 6 3 0 3 24 24 0 0.50 promotion into Reading’s league, the perceived to be elegant, unspoilt men, incredulously defended his player’s 32 ICSM Hockey Women's 1st 6 3 0 3 23 17 6 0.50 discipline and concentration will need unlike their football counterparts. actions much to astonishment of the 33 Squash Men's 2nd 6 3 0 3 12 18 -6 0.50 to improve over the 90 minutes, as will However parents will understandably rugby world. 34 Rugby Men's 3rd 6 2 1 3 77 118 -41 0.00 clinical ability of all members of the be reluctant to allow their children to Attoub’s ban is the second longest to 35 Hockey Women's 2nd 7 2 1 4 11 26 -15 -0.57 team. play a sport which gouging is a part be given out for the offence since the 36 ICSM Football Men's 1st 7 2 1 4 9 14 -5 -0.57 A surprise did occur on the adja- of. As a result the International Rugby game turned professional, the length 37 Badminton Women's 1st 8 1 3 4 28 36 -8 -0.63 cent pitch in another 3rd round BUCS Board felt it necessary to clamp down is greater than that of Dupuy’s due to 38 Fencing Men's 3rd 6 2 0 4 603 744 -141 -1.00 cup tie between Imperial’s 2nd XI and on offenders, although why it has taken previous records of ill discipline and 39 Football Men's 3rd 5 1 1 3 4 17 -13 -1.00 LSE’s 3rd XI. Questions were raised af- quite so long remains a mystery. Goug- the fact Attoub pleaded not guilty to 40 Rugby Union Men's 2nd 6 2 0 4 117 81 36 -1.00 ter a number of LSE players emerged ing is a cowardly and unsportsmanlike the citing charges. The ban runs until 41 Tennis Women's 1st 8 1 2 5 23 57 -34 -1.38 on the pitch with ‘1st/2nd team’ em- act and has no place in the game and in wwwApril 2011 and with the game of 42 Hockey Men's 1st 7 1 1 5 14 24 -10 -1.86 blazoned on their tracksuits. Imperial addition the pros surely outweigh the rugby continuing to evolve at such a 43 ICSM Netball 3rd 7 1 1 5 169 248 -79 -1.86 went on to lose 2-1 and diminished the cons for performing a gouge on an op- rate, a yearlong ban could be too long 44 ICSM Hockey Men's 2nd 6 0 2 4 5 26 -21 -2.00 hopes of Imperial being represented in ponent; there is no obvious advantage for a player to come back to playing at 45 Rugby Union Men's 4th 6 1 0 5 59 168 -109 -2.50 the last 16 of the cup. gained from gouging and if seen by the the top level. 46 ICSM Rugby Men's 3rd 6 1 0 5 79 147 -68 -2.50 The 1st XI nevertheless move on, and referee a yellow or more appropriately The authorities have recognised that 47 Netball Women's 3rd 6 1 0 5 108 220 -112 -2.50 concentrate on aiming for promotion a red card will be brandished almost action must be taken and have begun 48 ICSM Rugby Men's 2nd 7 1 0 6 84 253 -169 -2.71 in the BUCS league and aiming for the certainly damaging the offender’s to put in place the measurements to 49 Football Women's 1st 6 0 1 5 2 34 -32 -3.00 final in the ULU Challenge Cup, with a chances of securing victory. Further- keep the rugby game clean and pre- 50 ICSM Hockey Women's 3rd 7 0 1 6 5 59 -54 -3.14 promising quarter final against an as- more, television evidence can be used serve the gentleman’s game. The trag- 51 ICSM Football Men's 2nd 6 0 0 6 4 33 -29 -4.00 yet-unbeaten SOAS side tomorrow. to find offenders once the edy is that they shouldn’t have to.

final group match.. Playing for a place in the quarters, Imperial contested a Medals escape nail-biting showdown against Aston 1. Victor lost 5–3 against Pritesh Patel IC pool players while Behnam beat Frank Deng 5–3. This meant that it all rested on the shoulders of Kwan. In a match watched Continued from back page by dozens, he and Aston’s Amish Pa- tel were on the hill at 4–4, with Kwan McMahon and Kwan beating Billy requiring just one more foul to exer- Moss 5–2. This success was repeated cise the rare three consecutive foul in the second match against Bristol rule, which would force the opponent 3 with Victor’s 5–1 win against Do- into conceding the rack and hence the minic Knight and Kwan’s 5–3 win over match. Unfortunately, this was not to Eoghan Beamish. With such swift vic- be and Imperial suffered a 5–4 defeat tories, Imperial proceeded to play the to bow out of the competition. group winners match against defend- Although disappointed as our team ing champions Warwick, unfortunate- had a real shot at medals this year, we ly losing 2–0 despite Kwan’s 3–2 lead did improve upon last year’s perform- over Matthew Bradley in the uncom- ance, and we will endeavour to put in pleted final rubber. more practice to bring back medals Nevertheless, this performance en- from the BUCS-UPC Eight-ball Pool sured Imperial’s spot in the elimina- Championships in February. Team tri- tion round of the Team Champion- als for this will take place on Wednes- ship, played after a further 2–1 loss day 27 January and everyone is wel- against York 2 in the inconsequential come! Just contact [email protected] No, we’d never seen a red, Coca-Cola sponsored pool table before either. 22.01.10

Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felixSport High resolution photos only BUCS cup over for football Mustapher Botchway Football A disallowed goal by Leslie for a de- batable foul at the edge of the box pre- vented Imperial from drawing level at IImperiiall Collllege Men’s 1stt XI 1 the 35 minute mark and two minutes later Reading doubled their lead after a Readding University 1st XI 5 through ball from the Reading captain split the Imperial defence and made The 3rd round of the BUCS brought a the strikers job of finishing easy. mouthwatering tie between the flag- It was 3-nil before halftime after a ship footballing sides of Imperial and speculative set peice fortunately found Reading University. With both ties the head of the Reading winger. securing promising results in BUCS it A halftime team talk by captain Mus- was set to be hard fought game. tapher Botchway and the experienced Reading, currently 4th in BUCS members of Patrick McMullen and South Eastern 2A were the favourites Thomas Fryatt rallied the troops to against the 2nd placed team in 3A. This continue their committment and work showed with Reading early on control- rate and get an early goal to pressurise ling possession making Imperial chase Reading. shadows. Imperial kept their shape and Three minutes into the half Impe- discipline and were able to contain the rial scored a well deserved goal after opposition until the 30 minute mark the a teasing cross by William Swain where a loose ball in midfield initiated met Theocharis Tofis who calmly slot- a Reading counter-attack and clinically ted it into the near post of the Reading making use of their 3 against 2 advan- goalkeeper. tage to open the deadlock. With the momentum now with Im- Imperial responded strongly and perial, further half chances were cre- created a number of half chances after ated, and nullified by the presence of forging runs from central midfielder, David Hayes. Continued on page 35

IC Snooker at nine- Murray & co. Down Under ball championships Indy Leclercq Sports Editor Victor Loi Snooker Victor managed to get through to the last 64 with a 5–0 win over Cardiff’s Iwan Lewis. Imperial’s fight for an The pool season started off with a bang individual medal came to an unfortu- h, the familiar pleasures could be Australian, and actually live in the best of form at the moment, but as ICU Snooker prepared for its first nate end with Victor’s 5–3 loss against of January. Slate-grey in Melbourne-but that’s not something him nor Nadal can never be written tournament of the year. With a strong Daniel Turner from cue sport stalwarts skies and precipitation I would wish on anyone.) off. Not to mention US open champ team for the UPC Nine-ball Pool Warwick in a match that was riddled A that can’t make up its Understandably, then, Andy Murray Del Potro looking to show he’s not a Championships, hopes were high.The controversy. Putting the disappoint- mind as to whether it and his compatriots of the pro-tennis- one-hit wonder, and upstart Nikolay team comprised of Kwan Ng, Ryo Kob- ing results in the individual competi- wants to be snow, or rain, or something player persuasion have decided to take “Federer-killer” Davydenko looking litz and Behnam Najafi and was cap- tion behind them, the team decided in between. Without forgetting to refuge from the weather amongst the for a big win. The women’s draw is tained by Victor Loi. The tournament to focus all of its efforts in the team mention the pervasive and inescapable kangaroos (although the one million also more interesting than it’s been in started with the Individual Champi- tournament. COLD. Not so for everyone, though. If pound winner’s prize money might a while, with Kim Clijsters and Justine onship. All our players were fortunate The initial group stage got under you happen to be a professional tennis count for something). With the three Henin both recently back from retire- enough to receive a bye in the first way with a beautiful start for Imperial. player it is but a matter of rankings and Brits in the main draw managing to get ment and shaking the (pretty parched) qualifying round but that also meant We won our first match against Edge qualifying rounds before you end up through to the second round, their time field up somewhat. they lacked tournament practice on Hill 3 with Victor’s 5–4 win over Liam in Melbourne playing the Australian in Oz might actually be productive. As much as the public is behind the unfamiliar tables.This proved to be Open. Bright, sunny, sweltering Mel- Murray’s first grand slam, then? I Murray, though, if he doesn’t win we’ll a critical point: of the four players, only Continued on page 35 bourne, I might add. (Of course, you wouldn’t bet on it. Federer may not be probably blame the weather anyway.