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EDITORIAL © LETTERS FROM THE EDITORS e ENTERTAINMENT EXTRAVAGANZA o

/ WAKE UP AMERICA INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING HO

LIQUOR & AMMO GUN OWNERS LIFESTYLE MAG m

S PC DATE CHRIS MILLER |jW

WEEKEND JUNGLE

TRUE FACTS 9

SIGNED PHOTOGRAPHS

JOHNNY VID

EDITORIAL STAR CHAMBER: DAVE GARRETT, JASON WARD, SPECIAL PROJECTS EDITOR: JOHN BERGSTROM RAYMOND IRELAND INN KEEPER: CHARLOTTE HASSETT MANAGING EDITOR: JANE WOLLMAN RUSOFF CARTOON EDITOR: DAVID SHELTON EXECUTIVE EDITOR: DINO LONDIS CONTRIBUTING EDITORS AND ARTISTS: CHRIS MILLER, CREATIVE DIRECTOR: CHET COOPER PATRICK ABEDIN, BARRY LANK, MITCH ADLER, JENNIFER ART DIRECTOR: TERRY WHITLEY SIEGAL, LANCE ANDERSON, JUSTICE JOSEPH, CHRIS BONNO, DESIGN: RENE GAUTHIER MATT JACOBSEN, MIKE BERTRAND, KURT COBAIN, JEFF PILL, SR. EDITORS: BEN WILSON, JOHN HAYES, JOE LIMBER PAUL MAURO, BRIAN HOLTZMAN ASSOCIATE EDITORS: ERIC MADIGAN, TODD DAVID SCHWARTZ, MODELS: KEITH MICHAEL ASHTON, J.T. HARDING, CHRISTIE SPARKY CHERVITZ LYNN SMITH, CHUY CASTRO, ERIC EDWARDS EDITORIAL BOARD: JIM JIMIRRO, DAVE GARRETT, PHOTOGRAPHY: SCOTT WOLFINGTON (COVER), JEFFERY LABOUNTY JASON WARD, CHET COOPER AND KIM DROGE COVER: CALVERT DEFORREST & HOPE ALLEN

PUBLISHER - PRESTIDIGITATOR CHET COOPER

SPECIAL THANKS TO: ELLIS MERCANTILE, DR. LARRY KIDWELL AND T.C. AT CULVER CITY ANIMAL HOSPITAL, BRIAN CURY, HOWIE AND EILEEN AT SIRE RECORDS

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The problem with this country is that we are constantly wasting money trying to save people's lives. Other countries have wars, famine, disease—specifically designed to thin out the herd. In Rwanda, 100,000 refugees die. It's for a reason. But here, there are too many living people—and their sole purpose in life? To clog the arteries of transportation to prevent me from get ting where I am going. We've got to start killing some of these people. If this country is going to be great again, some people have to die. A parking garage falls on top of a guy sweeping up during the earthquake—so we spend a million bucks digging him out. Just do like they do in Mexico after an earthquake— wait three weeks until everybody is dead for sure, while constantly com plaining about how sad it is that we don't have enough equipment to continue the rescue effort and pocket all the relief money. Then bring in the bulldozers and demo the building. If you live in a trailer park, just expect that the big whirlwind's gonna come along and send Grandma through the drywall. If your house flooded three times in the last decade, it's gonna happen again. You don't deserve federal aid. Crosswalks on freeways. Don't drink and drive? Everybody drink and drive. Safe sex? Use con doms? Stop using condoms. We've got to stop saving all these idiots! Remember when this country could go in and bomb Iraqi villages and baby carriages with pin-point accuracy, and it was the right thing to do? When frontier families just left their dead on the side of the trail and kept on heading west. We've got to get back to those good ole days—when human life didn't mean as much. Dr. Kervorkian has the right idea. He should be the next Surgeon General. What we need is another earthquake. 9.9 for 90 minutes. One that will hit the whole country. That will solve a whole lot of the problems. Just kill these idiots. Especially, people in LA. That's Louisiana. They're the only state that still uses the Civil Law system. But they do have the drinking age set at 18, and thank God for that. At least there's a chance that a few more peo ple will die due to the legal acceptance of teenagers drinking. And it there's anyone who's efficient at killing, then it's an 18- year-old with a .29 blood alcohol content. And not to be discriminatory, the people in the other LA suck, too. Basically, everybody sucks in some way, and deserves to die, but the people in LA deserve to die most. At least, the people here deserve every opportunity to face death as possible. We live here, but we'll be the first to admit we suck and deserve to die. But most people here suck more than we do. Just come here and look at 'em. Just sitting there in that Mercedes talking on the car phone—taunting us with those fake melons. It fills us with nothing but rage. That's why it's good that we have fires and earthquakes and mudslides and locust plagues and drive-bys and even infrequent evian shortages. Ask any economist. That means more marginal death per day here than in your average American place to live. Thereby, increasing the actual number of dead assholes in Los Angeles. We don't want to live here, we have stay here and take care of the magazine due to the terms of our parole. For these reasons, we were inspired to put forth our Survival! Issue. It's our salute to the people who we think, in our sole discretion, deserve to live. Step Da-Da in the 'Nam. Liquor and Ammo, an excellent combination for the man who believes in good times and home protection. Joe Limber, making his way through the lush tropical jungles of the Hollywood Hills in a tur bulent weekend training mission. Wake Up America! to the menace of the African Killer Snail. Dungeons, Lee Harvey Oswald, Obsessive. They're all here. Cathy Ireland fights off a shark with a stern look in True Facts. Anything that remotely has to do at all with Survival! is included. For example, PC Date by Chris Miller. One might sug gest that the connection is tenuous. However, take note. The survival of Political Correctness is currently at issue. Hence, the direct connection between the story and Survival! So, back off. And the people who deserve to die. Johnny Vid, the spoiled rock star, who you should know, is not in any way to be consid ered a metaphor for any other spoiled rock star who has recently passed from us, even though there are some striking similarities. Basically, we'll sum it up like this—kill, kill, kill, kill! If this article encourages the death of at least one more idiot in the nation, then we've done our job. We've taken a step toward making this country great again! Brian Holtzman

Sirs: Sirs: In no way should the free pack You know those dancing Coke of Camels offered on boxes of Bottles you see everywhere? Fruity Pebbles and Count Chocula Well, I had the idea for those first. be construed as a marketing ploy aimed at the "not quite matured Fatty Arbuckle, adults". It is merely an answer to Bum Rappe, Hell the requests of our many con stituents who clamor for a fine Turkish blend after a hearty break Sirs: fast. When I said "Early to bed, early R.J. Reynolds to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." I never foresaw the creation of the Regis and Kathy Lee show. So, I guess it wouldn't Sirs: Sirs: hurt you to sleep in. I have a great idea for a funny Enjoy a Frosty Blizzard - movie. The main character is this Dairy Queen - next exit. Hmmm. I Ben Franklin clown, but he's no ordinary clown - could go for one of those. Philadelphia, PA he's a party clown! He throws great parties at his house, but this Comet is no ordinary house - it's a fun- Heading toward Jupiter Sirs: house! Because under the floor Here we are now: boards, he's got thirty-three Entertain us. fu Sirs: Kurt Cobain John Wayne Gacy Hey, I just realized something. River Phoenix Joliet, IL This place is a garbage dump. One Charles Bukowski May 8,1994 hot, dry, garbage dump. John Candy 11:59 p.m... A Palestinian pausing to reflect before firing rifle in Sirs: the air in continued cele So, you want to hear some Sirs: bration. "Tales of Terror" do you? O.K., you Enjoy a Frosty Blizzard - Dairy hear the one about the 16-year-old Queen next exit. Hmmm. I could kid who has this asshole dad who really go for one of those. Sirs: thinks it's really a funny prank to Do they think they can make smear pigs blood all over his son's Ayrton Senna me feel guilty by telling me repeat sheets, and he plays really shitty ex-Formula One driver edly that it's the world's most pop Metallica music on his guitar with ular sport? Well, it's not going to his dipshit friends and his son can't work. I'd rather get thrown into a even invite his friends over to the tree shredder then waste one sec house because his dad is always sit Sirs: ond of my precious viewing time ting on the couch naked watching You tell this Mr. Hodgkins that watching a bunch of foreign fruit football with his Frankenstein I'm a Kennedy and then I'm sure cakes chase a little ball around. mask on. How's that for horror? he'll understand. Truett Cates - Steeler fan - Stephen King Jr. Jackie 0. Pittsburgh, PA Bangor, Maine

6 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Sirs: Sirs: Sirs: So, you want to see how well Hey all you Supermodels, why Hey, baby, wanna go out? the Thigh-Master works, huh ass don't you bitches get in line and Spend any money? Hey, sugar... hole? Why don't you put your head see who gets to be the first one to Yeah, I'm talking to you. Come between my knees and I'll show you. shack up with the world's most eli here, cutie. Mmmmmmm, you gible bachelor! Cause the Piano look so good. Ms. Summers man's single, he's on the war path, Tired of being a bimbo and he's gonna tag you all one by Your 16-year-old daughter one! Paying the tuition you can't afford Billy Joel Pushing his luck Sirs: Sirs: He lured me up to his bedroom Let me make something clear. under false pretenses of a business What happened to him was no acci meeting. Then, without warning, Sirs: dent. I'm sure you've seen The he started kissing my neck, And now for my next act... Crow by now. And if you had been dropped his pants and asked me for Watch as I make my virginity dis on the set and seen the magnitude oral sex. I told him I wasn't that appear. I'd like some help from the of his bad acting, you would have kind of girl, upon which Mr. Clinton audience. done it too. I've done the world a replied, "Well lets just keep this favor. I should be getting some kind of reward or something. between ourselves" I felt so dirty. David Copperfield What he did was so disgusting. The Gun that Shot Hillary Clinton Brandon Lee Capital Hill, Wash. Sirs: And now for my last act- Watch as I make Claudia Schiffer's Sirs: good taste in men disappear. He lured me up to his bedroom under false pretenses of oral sex. Sirs: David Copperfield Then without warning, he pulled No sweat. I just tightened up Testing the outer limits of out some contracts and started dis my buttcheeks really hard and pre his magical powers cussing the music business. I told tended to cry like when my mom him I wasn't that kind of girl. I felt so dirty. used to spank me. Hah, slant-eyed suckers! Think I'll go out tonight and tag a couple more cars. Madonna Sirs: Complaining about a Michael Fay Everybody always talks about recent date Putting the "sing" poor Michael Fay. How do you back in Singapore think I feel? I have to get all wet and then slap his ass! And I'm not even gay!

Sirs: The Cane Hong ching tao "Pow! Pow!" Singapore, China gung fa ho "Ratatatatatatatatatatat!" chi su bao "Blam! Blam! Blam!" ho ho ying wang "Brrrakakakakaka- kak!" ling ling "Thdunk! Thdunk!" Sirs: jung fao chung king "Ka- I could have saved one more BOOOOM!"... Jew if I hadn't brought the stamp to send this letter. John Woo Pitching his next movie Oskar Schindler

NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. THE INSIDE SCOOP ON The Tim Matheson Fan Club has officially disbanded due to lack of attendance at monthy meetings What's ex-heavy weight champ Evander Holyfield going to do now that he's hanging up the gloves? "I'd really like to direct," confesses the ex-slugger Last Thursday night on an un-airable Leno appearence, British actress Emma Thompson upstaged Madonna by saying the word "Cocksucker" 17 times. Uh oh, looks like a cat-fight's a- brewin' 27-year-old, coming- Matty Simmons and Betty White of-age director Ben Stiller has at tne 14th Annual Deustch just signed a five picture deal to Dachshund and Dane Show min utes before his arrest. Simmons, Richard Gere, wife direct training films for driver's and friends at The ed. classes. Shooting will begin now imprisoned for two counts of dog murder, insists he didn't pull Invitational Treky spring of '96 Meanwhile, the trigger. White says she had Awards Ceremony. Actor Alan Thicke, 54 and ex- no knowledge of the shootings. Friends were report Miss World Gina Tolleson, 26, ed to have snuck in have just diagnosed their son as the rear. having a severe learning disabil ity. Jason Thicke, 7, will begin PICKS AND PANS receiving special remedial instruction in early fall of '94. Production on the latest Review—TV Oliver Stone film has been TWO FOR TIMOTHY called off. The picture was origi In this Hallmark Hall of Fame production, Sharon Stor nally based on a script written makes a rare television appearance in a compassionate, sensi in 1992 based on the life of Kurt tive drama highlighted by powerful performances by some of Cobain and was set to star River TV's top leading ladies. Phoenix in the lead In other sad news, Morgan Freeman, Stone plays a committed head nurse of a pediatric, intensive Joanne Woodward and others care unit, who finds herself emotionally drawn to her most help who were close friends and rela less and heartbraking patient, Timothy, a ten-year-old sandy- tives of Jessica Tandy placed an haired, cherubic boy who acquired the HIV-virus through a kid engraved ivory headstone in ney transplant and has an estimated month to live. Tandy's old backyard in Virginia Timothy shares with Stone that his very last dying wish on and gathered around it in a this earth is to have the chance to see her exposed breasts, and mournful candlelight vigil for for her to autograph his issue of Playboy and his Basic Instinct their friend. The service was calandar. interupted by the arival of a Unwilling to accept the sad, short life for which this child shocked and furious Jessica seems fated, Stone, grudgingly obliges his last request (and Tandy who seemed "unamused" then some), only to spot the same kid in a Ms. Fields by the black humor White- Store one year later- upon which he laughs and explains that he hot commodity Jim Carey has lied to her and only had a bladder infection. reportedly signed to star in the Powerful performances by Angela Landsburj title role of an upcoming Disney Sissy Spacek, Salley Field, Richard Chamberlain, Abe bio of Jerry Lewis. Jeffrey Vigoda, and the aforementioned Sharon Stone. Grade A- Katzenberg won't comment

NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. ~ publicly, but those who are close have heard him say that Bill Clinton comforts Carey was the logical choice, Courtney Love at a as both he and Lewis are memorial service for "annoying assholes who Kurt Cobain. Rumors say Love is now suing won't go away." Actor for 7 million dollars Gary Busey, 44, flew into a for sexual harass violent fit of rage at LA's ment during the trendy House of Blues when wake. a reporter asked him if his head-injury had affected his recent poor career choices What's Robert Redford been up to lately? Well an anony mous phone call from former i co-star Demi Moore says that An angry fan demands his money the "happily-married" Redford back after an Ice-T concert. has been shtupping k.d. lang for the past six months A furious district attorney in Acron, Ohio has a new word for Wheel of Fortune guru Pat Sajak to spell: S-O-D-O-M-Y.... Rennaisance woman Barbara Streisand, 61, has filed a $6.5 m* Ray Liotta and Jim million law suit against Nabors hamming it People Magazine for not up at Gold's Gym. being included in this years Nabors is quoted as "50 Most Beautiful in the saying, "I've never felt World" issue Perky blonde better in my whole Meg Ryan put a $35,000 full life." page announcement in the Hollywood Reporter denying any linkage to the Nazi party. PICKS AND PANS Winona Rider, aka Winona Horowitz, (ashamed of those roots, huh, Winona?) es left the wrap party of her HE BIG BOOK OF NAZI HUMOR upcoming film with a bad Random House taste in her mouth. It seems Rction of ribalds, boners, insults, guffaws and when Ryder tried to give her Bricks falls short, in what is an obvious, though co-star, Gene Hackman a Ing, attempt to jump on the wake of Shindler's friendly kiss goodbye, the aging thespian responded by List. jamming his tongue into her H

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Read the Classics of NATIONAL LAMPOON • National Lampoon Presents True Facts: The Book 192 pages with the funniest True Facts items yet. $7.95 • National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology, Volume I Hall' of our best tenth anniversary book ever — and the lirsi half. S4.95 • National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology, Volume II The sequel is even better. S4.95 • National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary, Deluxe Edition This one is hardbound, for painful dropping on one"s foot. S 19.95 D National Lampoon Foto Funnies The first edition of funnies told through fotos. published in 1980. $2.95 Li National Lampoon Foto Funnies All-new. all- brilliant Foto Funnies. If you liked them in the magazine, you'll really love them in the book. 1986. $2.95 • National Lampoon High School Yearbook Parody Critically acclaimed across America, this one still has its surviving writers chuckling. S4.95 ~ The Best of National Lampoon, No. 4 Just the good shit from 1972-1973. $2.50 • The Best of National Lampoon, No. 5 The best stuff from 1973-1974. $2.50 D The Best of National Lampoon, No. 8 Jokes started getting more expensive in 1976- 1977. $3.95 • The Best of National Lampoon, No. 9 But we managed to hold the line on prices during 1978- 1980. $3.95 LI National Lampoon True Facts The original, uncensored work, now available in English. It all happened. $2.95 LJ National Lampoon True Facts '86 The third all-new collection not even we could dream up. S2.95 ~ National Lampoon Deluxe Edition of Animal House The full-color, illustrated book on which the movie was not based. This came later. $4.95 • Cartoons Even We Wouldn't Dare Print Not in the magazine, anyway. Disgusting. $2.95 • Son of Cartoons Even We Wouldn't Dare Print II: A Sequel Even worse than the first. $2.95 National Lampoon Classics " National Lampoon's Very Large Book of Comical It is imperative that I acquire the items checked above in order to keep my human collection complete. Funnies It's comical and it's a reprint. It's some of the Please enclose $1 .75 for postage and handling for each item ordered; $2.00 per book lor Canada and foreign. best damn comics you'll ever see. S3.95 If I'm a New York state resident I'm adding 8.25 percent sales tax, which is another matter entirely. • National Lampoon Comics Not the stand-ups. just the lay-downs. S2.50 D National Lampoon Dirty Joke Book The filthy, the Name (please print). funny, and the farmer's daughter. $2.95 n National Lampoon Dirty Dirty Joke Book Collection Addrcs of ribald stories, limericks, one-liners, cartoons, and other off-color works. S2.95 Citv. .Zip. D Encyclopedia of Humor Everything funny from A toZ. Hardcover. S4.95 Total amount enclosed. • National Lampoon's Story of the Iran-Contra Affair D Check enclosed Just when you thought it was safe to sell arms to Iran. $2.50 ] National Lampoon's Cartoon Booli ()in 1! n n ic I ic I cartoons at an all-time great price. $3.95

Tear out the whole page with items cheeked, enclose check or money order, and mail to: NATIONAL LAMPOON, 10850 WilshirCopyrighte Blvd, Ste 1000 ©, 2007Los Angeles National, CA 90024 Lampoon Inc. ERICA! ove Garrelt * * * * * -• • • • • .' • • *r *r ^ *r • * * *J" product of a al mishaps, is But an even deadlier enemy was to an exam e of Darwinism gone after uced to the Sirica by the ^ *r • * most American scientists refuse to Spanish Conquistadors some four TIJUANA. MEX. Twenty-seven^ -.vied; o, the snails made ye __ the lower decks of simple man, Sleep. Precious sleep. Sweat alleons clinging to cargo unloaded more impwttgti Ml docks at San Salvador, man. A family eeding with the native wife, Conchita, and eleven children reste^iisJTead against his mois- snaillJ^Wktion and travelling with all his heart. ^^rcoat. He dreamed swiftly during some one hundred As a family unit, they were pe^^ Wand then... tragedy years, the^African Killer Snails happy, resourceful, and hopeful. struck. Ir^s all over in an instant. made their w^B Hie docks to a They even planned to purchase a "I ran out to try and save him. nearby town, whe^^ fe unleashed modest one bedroom home soon. But it was too late," says his wife, their fury. Maybe, after next season's crop through a translator. "They were Some eighteen people were came in. Maybe... all over him." Her words echo slain as the town was overrun by the But one hot day last August, through our minds, "Juan no mas snails. That was just the beginning. those dreams were tragically shat esta aqui." Juan is no longer here. Over the next century, farms and tered. After that day, neither the "People have this preconceived villages alike were overrun in the Maldanado family nor North countryside by the plague. America will ever be the same. Relentless and cunning, That day signalled the they show no mercy for man beginning of the onslaught of "... A PRODUCT OF and beast alike. They cover a dangerous environmental unwary humans and animal phenomenon sweeping across A SERIES OF smothering the victim with a the continent like a wind thick, slimy substance called storm, leaving a wake of ENVIRONMENTAL smegmen. The smegmen is destruction in its path. The absorbed into the nose and culprit is none other than the MISHAPS — A SICK ear canals into the respiratory swift and deadly molluskum system. The smegmen tyrannosaurum africans— EXAMPLE OF DARWINISM attaches itself to the alveolo the African Killer Snail. in the lungs and is quickly The sun beat down upon GONE AWRY" absorbed. the farmer's back relentlessly The poisonous smegmen, that sweltering day summer. as would a nerve gas, prevents As was tradition with Fernando's notion that the African Killer Bee is the body from metabolizing oxygen father, and his father before him, a threat to lives in North America, " by disabling the respiratory system and his father's father's father, says Donald M. Robinson, of the completely, thereby suffocating the Fernando lay down in the cool United States Environmental hapless victims horribly. The locals shade of a nearby tree. He carefully Protection Agency. "The threat aptly coined a phrase to describe checked the area for any sign of they pose is nothing compared to them: Los Muertos Despacios. The snakes. They were dangerous, he that of the Killer Snail. I stay Slow Death. knew. His cousin was once bitten awake at night thinking about it." According to Martin Fuller, of while taking a siesta. No precau- And well he should. The the Animal and Disease Control

NATIONAL LAMPOON 13 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Center at Texas A & M University, Fuller points out that it SPACE TRIX? "In a normal functioning ecology, seemed as through the spread of checks and balances keep one tyranoskum was stopped in 1847, Los Angeles, CA. In Los species from proliferating to a as the Panamanian people sup Angeles alone there are over 30,000 point where it becomes dangerous. ported the erection of Panama's "women of the night." Some say We are facing an environmental Great Salt Wall, at the current that prostitution is a victimless catastrophe of immeasurable pro sight of the Panama Canal. But crime, that the government's on portions with the advent of decades went by, and the threat of going multi-million dollar battle to Molluskum tyrannosaurum". tyranoskum was forgotten as the curtail the world's oldest practice is The African Killer Snail has no Panama Canal was built. The pointless. But when considering natural predators in the Americas resourceful Killer Snail made its the fact that over ninety percent of and travels at twice the speed of the way across the Canal— seemingly these women are adolescent run indigenous snail population. The developing immunities to the usu away girls forced to copulate with only natural predator of the Killer ally fatal salt along the way. The strange men for cash to pay for Snail (called "tyranoskum" by sci rest is history. food, rent, or drug addictions, one entists) is the African Mongoose. What lies ahead for the United can't help but wonder how victim "Unfortunately, the introduction of States? That is unclear. What is less this crime actually is. any species to combat tyranoskum clear is that our way of life is Enter NASA. The department would wreak further havoc with an that for decades has been criticized already strained ecosystem. The for spending millions of dollars, symbiotic balance would be while domestic problems such a knocked further off its axis. No, we homelessness, hunger, and prosti must deal with this threat our tution go ignored. selves, with all available resources. The idea of Tyranoskum must be stopped." sending civilians Immune to all known pesti into space is cer cides, tyranoskum even seems to tainly not a new thrive under any such attempts at one. The program extermination. "Much like a was established by horror movie from the Senator Wallace P. fifties, these snails absorb Jameson (D, Texas) in the chosen pesticide 1984 as a means of through porous openings generating excitement in the shells and mucousy about the space pro body covering only to develop gram, and at the same an immunity slowly. Some of time, demystify the them die, but those that are born industry by, "placing every of survivors show virtually no reac threatened. The Snail should make day people in orbit." The first tion to subsequent applications, " its way across the United States installment of the program, the adds Fuller. border by the year 2015. By the Challenger tragedy, put the pro gram on hold. Until now. Naturally aggressive, the end of the 21st century, a spackel African snail seeks out the weaker could be thriving in the back yards Jameson had originally wanted American Snail to spawn with. A of San Diego, targeting its victims. to put a civil servant such as a fire colony of snails, called a spackel, is In another one hundred years, they man or policeman in space, but in first met by scouts from the African could wind up in the estates of early 1992, Darlene Hassett, Vice Killer spackel. Beverly Hills. Wake Up America! President for the United Coalition The scouts, called spims, due The time to act is now, to protect Against Exploitation of Women to spim-like feelers that protrude ourselves and our children from (UCAEW), and Ellen Covington, from their thorax, return to the this unspeakable menace. the Chairman for the Washington African spackel to report the new branch of the Society for the spackel. Some years later, aggres Prevention of Teenage Runaways sive mail African soldier snails (SPTR), contacted Jameson and set overrun the weaker native spackel up a lunch meeting. The three sat and mate with the queen— to pro down and discussed the benefits of duce even more Killer Snails. putting a prostitute in orbit.

14 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. "It could be the greatest pub urb of University Park, Texas. She Thursday, September 1, 1994. licity stunt in the history of social has been living on the streets of Although Jennifer is not work," commented Covington. Hollywood since she was 15. entirely convinced that this pro "Why should they put a policeman, Jennifer left home after a series of gram will prompt her to give up a plumber or another teacher in confrontations with her abusive prostitution, she is basking in the space? I mean, don't get me father and fled to Los Angeles with exposure, and has already signed a wrong, those are all noble profes the dream of starring on her deal with Nike to be the next sions, but wouldn't it benefit soci favorite television show, Beverly spokesman in their lucrative "Just ety to shed light on this increasing Hills 90210. Do It" campaign. Not to mention ly growing unpleasant-ness that's But like so many other lost the impact that will be made on taking place all around us as we angels, it didn't take long before Jennifer's alcoholic father, when he speak? Let's spread awareness, the weight of the world crushed sees his runaway daughter, who he then get something done about it!" her spirits, and she was forced to said would "never amount to any Hassett had this to say: "Not take refuge under the wing of thing," walking in space on live all teenage prosti television. tutes in Hollywood As far as the actu are 'crack fiends' or al broadcast is con even alcoholics. cerned, a bidding war For the most part, is currently taking they are just kids place between FOX who have taken a and ABC. CBS drop wrong turn some ped out of the race where down the earlier this week, due line. What we are to lack of confidence trying to do is draw in going up against attention to this Roseanne. However, increasingly-grow there is talk a Pay- ing problem because Per-View Special at a it is reversible. We » cost of $39.99. do have the power 3 Regardless of to change things. where the broadcast If we can take a goes, it's safe to say worthless, piece of that America will for shit junkie, and ever be wondering send her into orbit, what other tricks think what kind of NASA has up it's a message that will sleeve. Or as New send to the entire York Senator Al community." Darryl Miller, one of LA's most D'Mato joked at a press conference, Thus kicked off NASA's nation feared African American/Jewish "My god, what's this world coming wide search through Hollywood's pimps, who goes by the tag "Ice- to when they can put a whore on seediest bars and alleys for the ideal Berg." It was Ice-Berg that provid the moon, but I can't get one in my subject for the project. They found ed Jennifer with a roof to sleep hotel room!" what they were looking for in the under, food to eat, and clothes to form of a buxom, halter-topped, wear. But like the hundreds of red-head with emerald green eyes other girls under Ice-Berg's rule, and a "sexual aura that would the price she paid was her soul. knock a buzzard off a shitwagon," But thanks to NASA, that is all added Jameson. She was promptly in the past. After several sit-down rushed back to NASA's lab in meetings with Ice-Berg, they were Washington. ik able to reach a deal, and put Numerous layers of eye shadow Jennifer under contract. She is and mascara were scrubbed away to currently in Huntsville Alabama reveal Jennifer Hughes, a 17-year- experimenting with weightlessness. old runaway from the wealthy sub She is scheduled to go up, on

In the four years between 1967 and 1970, Jimi Hendrix reinvented the electric guitar, changing rock & roll forever. This summer, a select group of artists, each touched by Jimi's genius, recorded an album of his music. Stone Free is more than just a tribute to a rock legend: it's a document of how powerful the reverberations from Hendrix's music remain.

featuring THE CURE - "Purple Haze" ERIC CLAPTON - "Stone Free" SPIN DOCTORS - "Spanish Castle Magic" BUDDY GUY - "Red House" BODY COUNT - "Hey Joe" SEAL AND JEFF BECK - "Manic Depression" NIGEL KENNEDY - "Fire" PRETENDERS - "Bold As Love" P.M. DAWN - "You Got Me Floatin'" SLASH AND PAUL RODGERS WITH THE BAND OF GYPSYS - "I Don't Live Today" BELLY - "Are You Experienced?" LIVING COLOUR - "Crosstown Traffic" PAT METHENY - "Third Stone From The Sun" M.A.C.C. - "Hey Baby (Land Of The New Rising Sun)" (Mike McCready, Jeff Ament, Chris Cornell and Matt Cameron) "In order of importance, God, Christ, Jimi... life." - Prince Be, P.M. Dawn, 1993

'f*.f3 i i¥<2 > » July/August 1994

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EFIRE WAYS TO RID YOUR HBORHOOD OF PESKY ^feJTREATERS • v.

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(Cover Photo) Survivalist Chuy demonstrates acceptable home protection techniques with the . fioofuo ,469 tokignuin Deluxe Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Louis Farrakhan: Leader, the Nation of Islam; Public Speaker; Political Adviser; Lunatic; Bigamist; and Member of the National Rifle Association "All the young black people I see think that all they can be are singers and dancers and musicians and football players and sportsmen. Well, I say they're wrong. There's something else in store for them if they want it. They can collect guns. I've got eighty or more guns in my collection, and my bodyguards,the Fruit of Islam, carry many more guns. I look at them sometimes and say to myself, "Where'd these guns come from? Who used these guns before we liberated them into the service of Allah? What could Allah have meant when he put these guns in our hands?" Think about the great men of history, the men who have led their nations. All of them collected guns. Think about Hitler. He was a good man, and he had his guns. Hitler was a very great man. He wasn't great for me as a black person, but he was a great German. And the Germans made great guns.

That's why I belong to the NRA. I want guns to remain a part of American life, to be used safely and legally. I want guns to remain a real solution to solving tough crimes, crimes that we feel are punish able by death. One day, we will punish you with death. And we'll be proud to say...

u ''""•-SSS"Person ^ \ u IFF MtnT sbeio* p*»**^ • I

Each year the Nation of Islam and the National Rifle Association spend millions of dollars on firearms and contributions to protect our chosen way of life. One of these days, all those firearms and all that ammunition are gonna get used. You don't want to be around.

Q: Recently, I bought a Blipp Army Special .38 for home were just passing time like we always do and I said some defense. My wife however complains incessantly that she thing about his old girlfriend Katie when suddenly Jeff spun doesn't like having guns around the house. Her arguments around and fired from the hip. The bullet drilled into my chiefly stem from the fact that our two-year-old son accidental neck and sheared my spinal cord at the third cervical verte ly shot himself in the chest last year with my Roofus .357. I've brate. I am now quadriplegic but I still have a passion for explained to my wife the importance of home defense but she firearms and shooting. Is there any manufacturer that pro remains unreasonably adamant. My question is this; when I duces mouth operated weapon systems that can be mount send her to the beer store, can I shoot her dead when she ed on wheelchairs? returns and then declare her an intruder in the police report? Andy L. Flowers, Sherman, TX Elmo Powell, Lubbock, TX A: The handicapped have long been a group ignored by A: Different states have different laws, but seeing how you're the producers of firearms, but no longer. Check out Ward from Texas, we almost guarantee that you can. Firearm Adaptation System: Ward Adaptation System Q: I have a pecan tree that sits close to the street and a thiev 906 Wavecrest ing magpie of a neighbor takes my pecans that fall in the Venice, CA 90202 street. This makes me mad but I can't shoot him because he never actually steps into my yard. Is there any rifle and car Q: Late one night I was startled to see a strange shadow tridge that will make him snap forward and fall into my yard? I lurking outside my door. Not expecting anybody I reached was watching a rerun of the Kennedy assassination and I under my pillow and pulled out my Roofus .357 Magnum noted how the President's head snapped forward despite and fired. I heard the figure grunt but that was all. I was so being shot from the front. terrified that I fired five more times, emptying the gun. I Lance Higgins, Shreveport, LA heard five more grunts but it was not until a full forty-five seconds after firing the first shot, that the person finally A: To our knowledge the Kennedy assassination was a dropped. I then went to investigate. To my surprise, the Cuban/grass-knollish conspiracy and, hence, there is no dead body was that of my sister. My complaint is that if she weapon capable of duplicating the results as shown in the had been a real intruder, coming to murder me, I would Zapruder film. But we understand the right to defend your have been a dead man. I thought the Roofus .357 had real property so we suggest setting a trap. Invite your neighbor stopping power. What gives? over to watch baseball. Then excuse yourself during the sev William Muckelroy, Ardmore, OK enth inning stretch. Come back loaded and cocked and tell him to leave in a loud voice. When he looks at you confused, A: It's a matter of munitions. Full metal jackets and lead then protests - blast him. slugs are over-penetrative. Of course, they make big holes which are assuredly lethal but unless you score a direct hit Q: I was with my friend Jeff at the river shooting turtles. We in the heart or brain, a drug-crazed killer will have plenty of con't somewhere

FROM THE BUNKER byEditor Willie Harper

In trying to think of something to write for this month's editorial, I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my little girl. It was Saturday night and I was sitting comfortably in my Lazy-Boy cleaning my arsenal when Tiffany came pitter-pattering into the den. She looked adorable in her Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas. "Daddy, I love you, because you protect me and mama from bad people on drugs who want to break into our house and murder us and steal money to support their fiendish habits." "That's right Li'l Tiff. Daddy will never let that happen. And do you know why?" Li'l Tiff shrugged her shoulders as I lifted her onto my knee. "Because Daddy's a bristling porcupine of destruction." I picked up one of my guns and tickled her with the barrel, mak ing her laugh. Then her smiling face took on a serious look. "But Daddy, wouldn't it have been cheaper and safer to just install extra locks on all the doors and windows, or maybe buy a nice dog to scare the bad guys away?" Horrified, I dropped Li'l Tiff like a hot tomato. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. My precious daughter, the apricot of my eye, had just spouted out some liberal, cockamamie bullshit! Then as I looked at her crying on the shag carpet, I noticed something about her face that I had never noticed before-like how little she resembled me, but more closely took the appearance of Buck, my next- door neighbor from a few years back. My wife's infidelities aside, I can't tell you how relieved I was to conclude that a creature so suscep tible to the propaganda of leftism had not sprung from the seeds of my loins! Thank you, Jesus! The point of the story is that I'm scared. If a communist disguised in Winnie-the-Pooh skivvies can infiltrate my home, that means the forces of evil have arrayed themselves in a fashion more powerful than at once supposed. Anti-Americanism runs rampant my friends, and its time to take a stand. So yes, I'm scared and when I get scared I get violent. When there's something I don't understand I destroy it. I'm locked and loaded and ready to roll. It's Miller time and tops on my list is that little wheel chair guy, Mr. Hammer, and his bitch wife, Mrs. Sickle. James Brady, if you're reading this, you better think about getting a bullet-proof wheelchair or start wheelin' your way to the funeral par lor to make a down payment on a coffin because I'm coming after you like Garth Brooks on a crack binge. And Mrs. Brady, wine-swilling urban commie slut that you are, be prepared for a prime-time Second Amendment shagging in the backseat of my Camaro from me and some close friends. We're going to show you what real men are made of. Uh, thank you... and God bless.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. bus staring out the window at the brown and gray TENNESSEE STORY buildings that lined the streets. Sixth grade awaited. Earlier that morning his mother made a sack lunch by Raymond Ireland & Buddy and sent him off with a kiss. Of course, Buddy was nervous but he had on his lucky pair of Toughskins and a walking banana 'Keep on Trucking' T-shirt so he Buddy was the new kid at Yankee Junior High and was looking and feeling cool. things were going to be tough. He and his mother had just moved from Tennessee, a place where he felt com At school, Buddy found his homeroom and fortable, to New York City, an environment as alien to slumped down in a seat. The classroom was alive with his southern nature as the moon would be to a spotted the excited chatter of renewed acquaintances. It coon hound. See, the living was easy in Tennessee, laid sounded like a chicken farm and Buddy didn't like it. back and unruffled; a place where a man could be a In the corner of the room there was an old man, rusty man and not worry about being rat-raced to the nubs and decrepit, arranging some books. At the ringing of of his knees on the cold, criminy pavements. Buddy the morning bell, he turned and said, "Good morning didn't like pavement nor did he like bricks, neither of class. I'm Mr. Cherryholmes, your homeroom which were found in Tennessee; just clapboard, dusty teacher" Good God, no, Buddy thought unhappily. roads, and bugs, lots of bugs. It was a place where a Never in his six years of schooling had he had any man could walk into the woods with his thoughts and thing other than a pretty woman for a teacher. Buddy appreciate the simpler things in life-like bugs. But thought it was against the law for a real man to teach nothing was simple in New York, and being a man school, unless of course it was at the college level. there was a tough thing. Buddy didn't like it. Buddy knew a lot about being a man. He had to The rest of the day was uneventful until PE. It do a lot of growing up ever since his father had been was taught by Coach McMasters and during roll call shot down in cold blood by the O'Malley Moonshine Buddy sized him up: deluded ex-college athlete of low gang in the Chickamauga foothills. Buddy remembered that night when he answered a knock at the door and found his old man's per forated body leaned up against the mailbox, his cheap tin deputy's star weakly reflecting the light from the house lamp. The O'Malley's had done a number on his father, all right, and now his mother was forced to work as a seamstress in a Eastside sweatshop. Buddy didn't like that and he would never for get. But he would have to do his remembering in New York City. And because Buddy knew a lot about being a man, he knew a man must have love. And so it was under the sweet gum tree that he said good-bye to little Nancy The"Hey Joe" .38 Domestic Special Watson. The late August sun kissed upon her brownish locks as Buddy's mother beckoned him to the loaded car. "I'll never see you again," Nancy said. His heart died. He had no home, no father, and no love: all the prerequisites of a man's self-esteem severed by the Ginsu of conspiring events. He back. cried a thousand tears. So when you go south-go way down south to Mexico...and go 1 September 1973 and Buddy with Hey Joe. sat by himself in the back of the

NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007m National Lampoon Inc. reasoning capacity-the type of person who bellows in Picking up the ball, Buddy streaked like a mad monotone about the dangers of pulled muscles. Buddy man towards the infield. Meanwhile Coach's homerun had known one just like him in Tennessee. It seemed sprint was reduced to a winded jog and finally to a that this type of human dross was ubiquitous to both walk. He had no idea that Buddy was coming. When North and South. Buddy instinctively disliked him. he was halfway between third and home, his team After roll, the class warmed-up with jumping jacks frantically urged him to pick up the pace. He started on the gymnasium floor. Once finished, Coach decid to run but it was too late - Buddy knew he had him! ed that they were going to play kick-ball. Outside on Running by the shortstop Buddy stopped at the the playground, teams were picked but since there pitcher's mound and let the ball fly. It sailed through were an odd number of players and Buddy was the new the air and hit Coach McMasters on the butt a full two man, he wasn't chosen. It looked like he was going to steps before he stepped on home plate. There was a sit this one out, but this was okay with Buddy because deathly silence. Did it seem possible that Coach was he didn't like kickball. Suddenly Coach had a brilliant out? Everyone waited expectantly. Suddenly, Coach idea. He pushed Buddy towards one team and McMasters raised his fists in triumph and shouted, declared that he was going to play for the other. The "Safe! A double inside-the-park homerun!" His team beneficiaries of this brainstorm cheered at his wisdom cheered wildly again. Incredulous, Buddy just stood while Buddy's team looked upon their late-round draft there and waited. After a few more winks to the girls, pick with sullen dismay. Coach finally turned around. "That was a good throw, The game started and Buddy did all right. He got son. Had you been a bit quicker you might have had a on base his first time up and then used his speed and chance," Buddy stared him straight in the eyes. They cunning to score a run. Nevertheless, he was poor both knew that he was a liar and Coach looked away. "I compensation for Coach who felt little need to let up reckon so," said Buddy who then turned around and against obviously inferior competition. The first time headed back for the outfield. But he hadn't taken Coach was up to kick, his team cheered wildly while more than three steps before he heard Coach's mock he motioned the pitcher, a beautiful girl of petite ing voice. "You reckon? Kind of like you wreckin' yo' stature, to roll the ball. The ball was sent slowly car? Where you from, b-o-o-y?" toward him and he danced a little jig much to the The whole class laughed at the mimicked accent. delight of his team. Suddenly, he rushed the ball and Buddy spun around violently.'! reckon I'm from a place in a momentous blast, sent it screaming back at the where the men are men and not lying sacks of shit!" pitcher. The big rubber ball wrapped around her face, Buddy's second day at Yankee Junior High was then ricocheted into foul territory. Meanwhile Coach spent in detention as well as his third. They tried to McMasters raced around the bases in a showboat dis break his spirit with extra homework but they suc play of speed. He stomped on home plate to the adora ceeded in only creating a harder man. On the fourth tion of his team. After a five minute delay to remove day he was finally let out of the slammer. Arriving at the crying girl from the mound, the game was his homeroom seat that morning, the first thing he resumed. noted were new paper name tags taped to the corners Relegated to the outfield where Buddy was, the of the desk. Of course, he saw his name but beneath it poor little pitcher was muffling quiet sobs. It broke was the name of Amy Maroon! Amy Maroon! How the his heart so he began talking to her, trying to cheer name rolled off the lips and floated light on heavenly her up by discussing all the things that he didn't like. air. He traced the permanent ink with his finger. How Finally, he asked for her name and she told him shyly, fragile she looked standing alone in the outfield, her Amy Maroon. What an elegant name, he thought, and eyes red and puffy from crying. It was nothing but he told her so. She smiled and Buddy was immediate divine fate that caused them to share the same desk. It ly taken hostage by her charms. The cherub of had to be. With his pencil he wrote a note on the plas romance hovered in circles over Buddy's head and tic coated desk: shot arrows of love into his skull. The next time Coach was up it was the same story: Dear Amy-If Coach McMasters was any kind of a crowd-pleasing hip waggle and then a mighty blast. man at all, he wouldn't have done what he'd done. I This time, however, he made sure to get his foot under hope your face feels better. LOVE ME the ball, and it took off like a golf shot, rocketing over I showed up at PE with butterflies in my stomach. everybody's head toward the furthest reaches of the I was fearful that Coach was going to cause an alterca outfield. Buddy ran to get the ball but when he finally tion but I also wanted to see if Amy Maroon had read reached it, he could see that not only had Coach my note. It was the only chance that I had to see her. crossed home for a score but was arrogantly rounding As it turns out, neither happened. Coach was too busy the bases for a second time. Buddy thought this arranging things and never once looked in my direc obnoxious and didn't like it at all. tion. He divided the boys and girls up into separate

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. folded slip of paper tucked in the meld of the steel support and the table top. I pulled it out and unfolded it carefully. My eyes opened wide. It said in beautiful red cursive script: I love you, Amy. I stared at the note, the pristine rubric going in and out of focus. I felt light-headed. Mr. Cherryholmes was in the front of the class room wearing a patriot's hat, talking about the Revolutionary War. His voice droned in my ears but there was no clarity to his words. I pulled a piece of paper from my notebook and dug up some colors. I drew a picture of me. I drew a picture of her. I drew a house. I drew a baby and put it in her arms. I folded my declaration of co-dependence and wedged it in the slot and daydreamed through the rest of my classes. The Da© In PE it was the same thing. The boys were sep signature arated from the girls. Standing in line at the chin- up bar, I watched the girls far across the field and I series .45 saw my darling Amy Maroon. The shuttlecock float ACP Ruminator. ed down and she took a swipe at it with her racket Whether you're and missed. Upset, she threw the racket down. She was so feisty! How I wanted to run over and sweep charging up Pork her away. We would go to the church immediately Chop Hill or showing and she would never have to play badminton again. When it was my turn to do chin-ups, Coach those cheating sons a' bitches at the pool hall said,"Well, if it isn't the little southern boy. Let's see who's boss, the Ruminator is the perfect if you have any muscles other than the ones in your mouth." I paid him no mind. There was nothing he sidearm for all occasions. Tradition. could say that could bring me down from my emo Reliability. Accuracy. It's everything you'll tional perch. I leaped up to the bar and did four pull-ups, three more than anybody else. "Why you ever need. aren't a little boy at all, you're a real MAN!" I ignored him. "Okay guys, you can all go, now, he "Because people are always out to get me, said. I've got to have something to get them back." I didn't know what to do. We were excused to leave but the ladies were still playing badminton. Should I go talk to Amy? No, I didn't know if she 'Proudly made in USA had seen my note. I left the playground and stopped by my homeroom. It was empty. I rushed to my groups and worked us at different things. The boys desk and looked under the table top expectantly. were timed in running and pushups, part of a physi There was a note! I snatched it and opened it. She cal fitness profile; the ladies were allowed to play bad had written me a poem: minton. Right before the class period was over, I looked over at Amy Maroon. She glanced shyly back / LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I COULD CRY and flashed her delicate smile. Yes! She had read my WHEN I SEE YOU I START TO SIGH note! I knew it! I WANT TO KISS YOU BUT I AM SHY The ride home on the bus was an ethereal affair. BE A MAN, AND KISS ME, STUPID I was floating on a cloud. The normally brown sober buildings that lined the streets looked like ginger The whole weekend I turned the words over in bread. The litter and scum that flowed in the gutter my mind. What did they mean? Superficially, they were flowers and confections. purported a timidness of spirit, but the underlying The next morning I rushed to my desk and stud tone indicated a confidence unbeknownst in women ied its surface. Nothing! My message had been labo I had encountered before. The poem spoke on many riously erased but there was no correspondence what different levels. Obviously, Amy Maroon was a soever. My heart sank. Suddenly I saw the neatly genius. I read the poem a thousand times. I kept it

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. under my pillow. I stuffed the poem in my pajama My knees were shaking like wet noodles. At the end of bottoms in hopes of divining guidance. I couldn't roll call I looked around. Amy Maroon was talking to eat or sleep. I was a haunted man. Inescapably, I her friends, laughing. I swallowed hard. It was now or was under duress to kiss my beloved. never. Monday morning in Mr. Cherryholmes class was I walked up behind her and tapped her on the a tortured affair. I sat at my desk rendered helpless shoulder. Immersed in conversation, she didn't feel it. by the wizened grip of fear. I had never kissed any I tapped her again, harder. She turned around, her body before, not even little Nancy Watson. I had face still crimson from joke-telling. There was a seen numerous kisses on television and in real life moment's pause as we looked each other in the eyes. but I was unsure how to translate this information I took her by both arms and leaned forward. Our lips to my own situation. I looked at the clock on the met in squishy agreement. I kept my eyes closed and wall. The second hand moved, forcing the minute felt her relax in my grip. It was the most wonderful hand to follow suit, forcing, in turn, the hour hand. feeling. I pulled her closer. Suddenly I felt her body Mr. Cherryholmes rattled on about Lewis and Clark tense - this soon followed by a strong jerk. Then, a exploring strange new territories. searing pain exploded in my groin as my testicles Sixth period PE arrived and I stood there listen raced towards my bladder. Slowly, like a timbered ing to roll call. I was almost at the breaking point. Chickasaw pine, I sank to my knees. The whole gym was silent except for the hysterical screamings of Amy Maroon. All eyes were on me as I knelt on the gym floor clutching my groin. I kept my To ease the torment of congenital eyes closed, hoping that if I squeezed them tight enough, then the events that had just occurred would depression, I look to outside interests. go away. Gradually, the pain where Amy Maroon had Firearms. kneed me was beginning to reside and I could feel my testicles cautiously returning to their normal hous ings. Suddenly, a strong hand gripped me on the shoulder from behind, accompanied by the powerful, unpleasant aroma of Aqua Velva. A whisper got close to my ear. "I see you got my poem, you little prick." It was Coach McMasters! His grip got tighter on my shoulder."You see, boy, I'm a man of many talents. I do more than coach PE. I teach health, too. And guess where my second peri od class is held?" The bastard! It was he who had been reading and returning all my notes. I was such a fool. There was silence in the gym except for the slow, heavy breathing of Coach McMasters in my ear. Tears began forming in my eyes. Finally relinquishing his grip, I struggled to my feet and staggered out of the gym, to the derisive Coach-led taunts of my classmates. An hour before school let out, I ran the four miles to my home at a full sprint. Grabbing the key under the mat, I let myself in. I slammed the door behind me, and flattened myself against the door's interior surface. The house was dark - dark like my soul. Seething with rage, I was consumed by only one thought: revenge! Slowly I walked to my mother's bedroom. Once there, I made towards the closet and opened the door. There on the top shelf was a box. Using the other Its a hobby that lasts a lifetime. shelves as steps, pushing my way through old sweaters and dresses, I reached it and brought it down. I'm the NRA. I opened the box and gazed intensely at the heavy object inside. It was my dead father's Mamba .74

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Letters, con't from somewhere Tennessee, con't time and stamina to murder you before succumbing. We Magnum, the most powerful handgun ever devised by man, suggest trying a half-jacketed soft point or even hollow capable of blowing holes through six feet of titanium-con point. These balloon out when they strike tissue causing crete alloy. I lifted it from its felt-lined home and flipped immense havoc on internal systems. open the cylinder. It was loaded. I put the gun to the side and Q: I like listening to Metallica, hanging out with my girl replaced the box in the closet. I then ran from my mother's friend Tammy, and smoking dope. I also like shooting room with the black hand-cannon in tow. Some people were my Smirk 9mm at stray animals. Just thought you would going to pay and pay mightily. like to know. The next morning I got on the bus like I always did and David Sweetleaf, Panama City, FL took my seat in the back. Immediately the taunting began, the word of yesterday's event in the gym having spread like A: Sounds like a good time to us! syrup on burnt pancakes. By the time the bus arrived at Q: There's a girl I like but I'm kind of shy. Her name is school, the jeers had transformed to a full-blown chant Lisa. She's dating this other guy who's a computer describing the manner in which Ted got kneed in the groin salesman and I'm extremely jealous. I wish there was in acute detail. It was sung in rounds to the tune of Frere something I could do but I'm ugly and stupid (according Jacque. Mercifully, it ended when I got off the bus. to my mother) and not really good at anything. I also I couldn't go to class-but I did, anyway. I walked into drink a lot. Can you help me? Matt Green, Fargone, GA the room and saw that many of my classmates were at the front of the room staring at a paper taped high on the chalk A: It sounds like you were born with major physical, board. They were all pointing and laughing. It was the note mental, and character defects. But don't fret. As the that I had written-the one with the house and family; Coach saying goes, if God didn't create all men equal, Sam Colt had come in earlier and put it there. When he sat down the certainly did. We suggest buying the Colt Pulverizer at class turned and stared. Even Mr. Cherryholmes got into your local gun outfitter and then wait outside your the act by describing Andrew Jackson's victory at New beloved's house (or apartment). When her hotshot boyfriend shows up, get out of your car and confront him. Orleans as a 'quick knee to the groin of British prestige.' Tell him you're taking what's yours then shoot him like a But none of it mattered. The strap of the backpack dog. Remember, you may be a weak gutless nothing, pressed comfortably across Buddy's collarbone Through but with a gun, you are a god. Be a tiger, Mat. We're all the classrooms and hallways, the solid weight of the Black pulling for you.

Q: The recent passing of Kurt Cobain has got me think ing that perhaps it is "better to burn out than to fade away". With this in mind, I went to my local gun store and tried to purchase a Smirk 9mm. But since I'm only seventeen, the store owner told me he could not legally sell me the weapon, but if I came "after hours" we could work out a deal. So now I have the gun, and I'm ready to kill myself, but I'm afraid the authorities will trace it back to the owner and he'll get in trouble for selling it to me illegally. I'd hate to do that to him. He was such a nice man. Is there anyway I can kill myself without get ting him in trouble.

A: Sure. Type and sign a letter stating that you pur chased the handgun with a doctored birth certificate. Then, have it notarized, and placed near your intended death scene.. This should protect the store owner from any legal complications that could derive from your suicide.

Erotic Fiction, continued from p. 14

Vanessa snaked her hand under the satin robe and gently ran it down the 4" barrel, 4, 5, 9, 14, no 36 inches! The largest she had ever felt. Her fingers caressed the rustic stock, pausing to tickle the trigger guard in such a way that made a tiny drop of oil fall out of the open gaping barrel, an ominous foreshadow of the night that was yet to come. She uncrossed sue of Liquor ai her legs and looked under the pillow— yes, they were there just as he had promised. 14 44mm semi-automatic Quarx ribers of the the Machine Pistols. all your gunning times.

NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Tennessee, con't some Mamba spoke to Buddy - whispers of death, whispers of dents ran pell-mell screaming their heads off. Buddy revenge. Thus was Buddy immune to the unmanly cat stood in the middle of the gym and took careful aim at calls of his schoolmates. a fleeing person. He squeezed the trigger and the Sixth period and Buddy kept himself hidden in the Black Mamba leaped in his hand. His aim was true and end stall of the bathroom right outside the gym. He the body went skidding across the slick waxed floor. heard the sliding and shuffling of feet, the laughter and He spun around and saw a student hiding behind a levity of his classmates as they filed past and entered concrete pillar that supported the roof. He aimed belt the gym. Two persons came into the restroom. They high at the support and fired. The bullet burrowed saddled up to the stalls and discussed what they were through the concrete resulting in a high-pitched yelp going to do to Buddy in PE. Buddy, hunched over on followed by the slap of a body hitting the floor. the toilet, could feel the chill from the porcelain seat Buddy had recently seen a movie where the hero seep through his Toughskins. In his hands, icily always teased the villain before blowing him away by clenched, the Black Mamba .74 Mamba stared coldly asking whether he had fired five shots of six. This had ahead with its one unblinking eye. The unzipped back made a tremendous impression on Buddy and conse pack lay squandered on the tile floor. quently Buddy was obsessively careful to keep count of "I know what we can do. We can tie him up and his shots. He had fired five times; there was one bullet starve him to death!" said one boy. left - reserved for one special person. "Yeah, right. Like, where are we going to put him Coach McMasters stood chuckling at the front of where nobody will find him?" he gym. Neither of the boys heard the click nor the unbolt "That was very good shooting. You're quite a ing of the stall door. They were both finishing up with marksman," said Coach. their business when Buddy stepped into view. They Buddy cocked the gun and strode confidently turned their heads to the side. forward. The Black Mamba went off like a volcano and the "Those Black Mambas are really something else. I recoil sent Buddy sprawling backward against the space could tell right away from the shot in the bathroom heater on the far bathroom wall. When he looked up, that it was a Black Mamba. Such a big caliber." through the haze, he saw the two bodies of the boys. Buddy grew confused. Why wasn't Coach scared? He had nailed both of Coach began scratching his gut. ^^^^^ them with one shot. "Such a big caliber gun. Makes you wonder how Furthermore, the slug they could possibly fit six bullet chambers in such a from the gun had pene normal-sized cylinder, doesn't it?" trated the cinderblock At twenty paces, Buddy pulled the trigger. The wall creating a peephole hammer fell but there was no following explosion. The the size of a quarter. gun only carried five shots! Buddy looked at the "I told you before, I'm a man of many talents. I Black Mamba. He felt coach PE and I teach health. I also happen to know powerful and more like that the Black Mamba only carries five shots. See, I'm a man than ever before. a handgun enthusiast." At this, Coach stopped scratch Bursting out of the ing and lifted up his shirt. From the waistband of his bathroom like an shorts he pulled out something dark and solid. The evening news special last thing Buddy heard was a metallic click. report, Buddy marched straight to the gym and crashed through the hydraulically hinged steel doors. The class, JAPANESE WOMEN desire in the middle of a jump friendship, romance. ing jack exercise, all turned to look. He fired Other Asian ladies too! once and the bullet Free Brochure: ripped through an entire row of students. PACIFIC CORRESPONDENCE They fell over like domi- 110 Pacific #208-JA nos. He fired again and another row fell. San Francisco, CA 94111 (816) 942-1668 Panicked, the stu

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. without he himself in any way importantly, a woman. trying to make it happen, without He shampooed with a product a shred of aggressive action on for which no whales had been Matt had a date his part, that he and Tree Toad killed, and washed his male con with Kate. Or sucked together like cosmic vacu traceptive pill down with fruit um cleaners, his sensitive young juice coming from fruit grown by "Tree Toad," as Hebrew National disappearing into sustainable agriculture. The pill she was known the maw of her great, gaping — — Preg-Not, it was called — was But wait. It hit him that he another of those punishments in the Goddess might be objectifying Kate. He that had been unfairly visited on Movement... wasn't sure — the rules seemed his generation: At any other time to shift around a lot — but proba in human history, taking them They'd been to Observe-a- bly, if he was sitting around clear would have relieved him of all Flower Day together, raised funds ly imagining different parts of her sexual responsibility; now, of for the Victimhood Society unclothed body, each of them as course, all it helped with was the together, and simultaneously sexually aroused as possible, then dutiful part — when push came enjoyed the poetry readings at the he was. to shove, you still had to wear a Only Yoni Bookshop. So they So he should stop; she was, goddamn raincoat as protection knew each other fairly well. As much as any two people could be said to "know" each other in this crazy world. And well enough, it seemed, for her to go out with him tonight. He wondered what would happen. He'd scored some smart drugs that afternoon: Some primo Vitamin L, so-called because it L-evated your con sciousness into realms so exalted that when you returned to Earth, everyday ft life was experienced as flat, -OTHO0U2 mundane and mean-spirited for up to six months. But it would be worth it, he felt, if he and Kate took the stuff and

death! And worked arou ^•P^ming up My Heart? Anyway, it had Meryl who wanted to take a bubble bath with new and improved pet Streep in it and was about feel in a diving suit? That was what he names. "Butt-Head," say. ings — those were the only kind wanted to know. "Hi, Matt" She came to her shown anymore. Some guy snuck He was supposed to meet her feet and headed over to him, and in a Schwarzenegger flick about in the quad, by the Brautigan he didn't notice the wonderfully six months back, but they statue. And there she was, look lively breastic movement beneath expelled him. ing sensational in her shabbiest her sweatshirt, not in the least. Or they could take in the art sweats, legs tucked beneath her He thought of her as a whole per exhibit at Dworkin House — on the grass, pertly reading a son. On this point, he couldn't be wasn't there a Judy Chicago show tome called "I've Moved to more sincere. And he would hap this week, something with Another City — Why is Your pily fuck her on that basis, as one beavers? But no, she wanted him Tongue Still in my Mouth, and whole person to another, any to come with her while she Can I Mail It Back to You?" time she wanted. He wondered picked out a birthday gift for her "Hi, Kate," he called. No way what she'd enjoy doing tonight? friend, Ruth. "She has a new Tree Toad. How could you want to There was a new movie at the lover," Kate told him. "This could pork, uh,"make love with," a per Nugget. He couldn't quite be the real thing." son or thing named Tree Toad? remember the title. The Lone "No way," said Matt. "Finally Well, you couldn't. So you liness of Nowhere? Yearnings in found the right guy, huh?" "Actually, the new lover is Sylvia Assenkicker. You know, lives in Lennon Hall?" "That huge dy~, uh, sap- phic with the Wonder Woman tattoo?" "Right. And Sylvia gives her these incredible multiple orgasms every time. Something no man ever did for her." "Oh." A little politics there. "Anyway, shall we go?" They went to a nearby town that had stores for grown-ups. But Matt never anticipated that the one Kate would lead him into would be

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 34 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Veronica's Quiver. Whoa — every "So what do you think?" whip this out. Is it okay for me to where you looked there was what "Oh, ah — in what sense?" become erect within your sight? his father, in his old-fashioned, "This outfit. Is it a turn-on?" (Not that I have a lot of choice in non-consciousness-raised way, "Uh, yeah..." It was kind of that one, snurk, snurk.) May I referred to as "quim." From the tight in the crotch. So that it — present this to you as a hand displays to the mannequins to the how to put this — clung to her mike to warble Bo Diddley clas customers, feminine charms contours. sics into?" assailed him like enthusiastic She ran back behind the salespersons. screen and seconds later emerged • •••• But wait — what was Kate in a second outfit. "Okay, now if doing here? Kate wore army you were a lesbian, which one "But, see, she did warble Bo coats. This was like an Orthodox would you like better?" Diddley classics into it. She sang Jew dragging you into a ham fac Matt tried to speak. "Come Pretty Thing and Bring it to tory. "Sit a minute," she said. Jerome and even Bo Diddley "I'm going to pick out a few is a Gunslinger into it," Matt outfits." This was like an said. "It wasn't like I was ram The date sure was diverg ming it down her throat. Oh, ing from what he'd expected. sorry, unfortunate turn of He hadn't known exactly Orthodox Jew phrase there." what to expect, but it sure The Womyn's Tribunal wasn't this. He took out his dragging you into Disciplinary Committee copy of Phallus, the rascally stared stonily at him. "I don't right-wing campus weekly, to a ham factory. think we need to hear any see what they were up to this more" said Victoria Huelga, week. They were agitating for the cochairbitch. "Your very a new major — Men's Studies — on, you can be honest. I think existence is raping us, so it that would include topics such as maybe this one's a little better on doesn't matter what you say." Winning and Engines. They also top." She reached behind herself felt it was high time a certain and did something that cranked A A A A group of women — they knew her breasts up suddenly, so their who they were — returned their fleshy tops rippled like vibrated "And that," Matt said to his underpants and jockstraps and puddings. new roommate, Achmed, "is how stuff; this wasn't funny anymore. Matt found himself wonder I wound up here at the University Pretty soon Kate arrived with ing how and when Art Tatum of Baghdad. Where at long last I an armload of clothes and took died. The guy'd been pretty young won't have to worry about being him into a dressing room. There when he went, so it must have politically correct all the time. was a screen she could stand been a fairly long time ago. Say, any chance of a cold beer behind, and this she did, and pret "Hello?" He came back. She around here?" Achmed whitened. ty soon she came out again and was now in a third outfit, this "Campus police! Heresy! said, "Okay, what about this one?" one consisting in its entirety of Sacrilege!" Wow — from Socialist Dumpy black panties and pearl earrings. to Penthouse Pet in seconds. She "What do you think? Too obvi AAA was wearing something black that ous?" She struck a pose, arms showed a fair amount of boob and behind her head. "Do you mind "And that's the story," said underbun. Underbun? You know, if I come close enough to enter Matt to his cellmate. "Tomorrow where leg stops, butt begins, and your personal aura space?" Matt morning it's off with my head. it just juts out suddenly? Oops, asked, with a peculiar fixed What about you?" "Me?" said his there he went again, zeroing in expression. cellmate. "In my case, they're just on her zones. But what was he "What?" she said. cutting off one of my hands. But supposed to see her as — the lit "May I take these off? And then, all I did was beat off." tle girl in the raincoat on the these? May I touch this? Oh, and front of salt cartons? the other one, too? Suppose I

Some secrets float

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The new album

Featuring "Sublime Produced by Kevin Moloney and The Ocean Blue Management Peter Freedman/Peter Freedman Entertainment, NYC

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"My Way" without skipping a beat. See, that's instinct, is what that is. You can't teach that. Anyhow, the song went over like you wouldn't believe, and natu rally later, the guy's all pissed at me, telling me some crap about how he was just warming up. But we knew, we both knew. And the crowd, man. They knew. THE VIEW You want to know who that guy was? That's right, the Philly Fanatic. He's doing okay now, I guess, running around during the FROWV seventh inning stretch, letting Lenny Dykstra and all those guys knock him around. Of course, he still thinks he's better than that, thinks he should be sitting where I am, doing the big shows, getting THE TOP the real money. Somebody told me Anyway, comes the night of the big recently he still blames me. Of THE SUPERSTAR DINOSAUR TAKES A recital, and there's like, a thousand course, he knows better than to CANDID LOOK BACK ON HIS CAREER parents in the school auditorium, give me that crap to my face. But I Look — the first thing you and naturally mister loudmouth heard it, it got back to me. What gotta understand right away is, I has managed to get himself the big does he think, I don't hear things? don't apologize for anything. finale. He was supposed to be Next time I see him, I may just You don't get to be where I am singing "My Way," you know, real knock him on his ass. now and not step on a few toes. I melodramatic and all. I had just fin But like I told you, admit it. Sure, I may have walked ished my bit, which was a compila I learned the rules over a few other characters on my tion of the best scenes from way up, but let me tell you, I never Tennessee Williams, and I'd really walked over no one that wasn't just killed. I was very into straight getting in the way. After all, this is drama then. O'Neil, Chekhov. When show business. This ain't kinder I went into that Stella scene from garten. Streetcar they were eating out of You wanna know why I'm rid my hand. So I go off, and the crowd ing high? Because I learned that is going wild, and then this charac lesson before anyone else, that's ter comes out for the big finale. The why. I'll give you an example. I band cranks it up, the spotlight is -/ remember back in high school, we on him, and what happens? He • had this one character walking freezes. Forgets every single friggin around telling everybody how he lyric. He can't sing, he can't make a was gonna be bigger than Gumby. sound, he's just standing there jerk He was so sure he couldn't miss, ing his arms up and down like a was gonna be a huge hit, was gonna robot. So what do I do? I stepped have his own Saturday morning calmly from the wings, took the series, have his picture on lunch mike, and told the crowd that my partner was preparing to accompa boxes, the works. And naturally, of this game early. My old man, he ny this next song in sign language everybody believed him, you know worked his whole life in show busi for the sake of the hearing impaired how it is. We were young, we didn't ness, and he never got further than (which brought down the house, let have a clue. Some guy makes understudy for one of the Banana me tell you). Then I launched into enough noise, you listen to him. Splits. He told me himself, and I'll

NATIONAL LAMPOON 39 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. never forget this, he said, "Barney, coming up with over there. Just good, you know? Like I say, I was to be successful in this business, great, experimental material. And young. Anyway, the crowd's filing you have to be 10% performer, 90% we were all just smitten by it. We'd out, and who comes up to me at the prick." He told me that at his walk around doing whole routines, bar but Big Bird himself. I couldn't retirement party. It was supposed to dying laughing. Half the people believe it. I mean, this is the be a big send off around us thought we must be Seventies, you know, and at this for the old crazy, but we didn't give a point he's just really happening, guy, but shit. Anyway, one night I was he's really peaking as a performer. naturally downtown in this little dump Apparently he'd been in the crowd none of of a place called Puppets and the whole time, and I didn't even those the owner, who was a jackass know. He's got this sweet young bums from basically, an okay guy but did thing on his arm, and a whole Hanna n't know squat about running entourage and all, and I nearly Barbera a club, he comes running up buckled. Then he tells me, in front showed. to me and tells me one of his of everybody, "I just gotta say, that Couldn't be comics for the was one of the finest improv perfor bothered. I mances I've ever seen. guess they were too Listen to me — you've busy counting the H.R. ot it. You've got the Puff-n-Stuff royalties. I gift. Now don't waste can still see him, sittin it." Then he turned there, a bit juiced up, around and was gone. humming that Banana Just like that. Splits song. "Na na na, That was probably na na na na..." Ah, the turning point dammit. He was too for me. I mean, nice a guy, I tell you. hearing it from That was his problem. Big Bird I wish he were alive himself, I to see me now. He'd love just never it. Every time I send back looked back. a steak, he'd kill himself I really owe it laughing. But he never got all to him, in to see any of my real suc evening didn't many ways. I know cess. That's the sad show, and he's got nobody a lot of people these part. He died when to emcee that night. Now, days say he should retire I was still in col 'm walking around the and all, that he's losing his timing, lege, still strug- place full of tequila, that he's gone stale. Not for me he gling. I was living bombed out of my gourd, so hasn't. He's a classic forever. As far in a house off cam who cares right? I tell him as I'm concerned, his critics are pus with a few other charac sure, I'll bail you out, you cheap just jealous. They can all go screw ters, doing a lot of dope and all, bastard, but I want free drinks in themselves, because a bigger heart you know how that goes. First time this dive for a week. He goes for it, and talent you won't find anywhere away from home and stuff. A few of and the next thing I know, I'm up in this industry. us were going down to town occa there in front of a tough college Not that it's been all successes sionally, getting up on stage during crowd, just riffing my ass off. I went for me, let me tell you. I've paid my off nights at some of the clubs, just off on all sorts of tangents, just any dues. I mean, you know and I know trying out material. Just trying to thing that came to mind. I couldn't there's no money in those damn get a sense of where we were at, even remember the names of the clubs unless you're a name or you know what I mean? Let me tell you, comics I was supposed to intro own the joint. I did anything to there was some great stuff coming duce, I just kept saying, "and now, make ends meet. When I dropped out around then. This is going back here's a really talented performer..." out of college to pursue show biz aways, but this was not long after And they all sucked! So check this full time, I had ten years of gigs you the whole Sesame Street explosion. out. Later on, the show's over, and wouldn't wish on the Pillsbury Bert and Ernie, the Cookie Monster, I'm hanging at the bar, and I knew I Doughboy. I remember putting in all that incredible stuff they were was good, but I'm still not sure how six straight months in front of a car

40 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. wash. That was my first real paying gig, the first time I paid the rent with talent. But it was a real low- down grind, let me tell you. Twelve hours a day, six days a week, stand ing on the sidewalk in front of that car wash waving at cars as they drove by, waving at the kiddies, etcetera. Blazing sun, pouring rain, it didn't matter. That bastard who owned the place, may his Johnson rot and fall off, he had me out there every day. The goddamn teenagers, they'd drive by in their souped-up cars, throw beer bottles at me. One time a guy hit me in the head with unhealthy meal, and so on. Real tion of character. See, I know who I a full bag of Jack in the Box tacos. I esoteric, intellectual material. am, I know who my friends are. swear, it took me a week to get rid Anyway, this one guy is standing Those guys, they were lost, man. of that smell. Another time some there, taking it all in. He's got this Too much success, too quickly. I old perv propositioned me in broad real sharp suit on, and he's not remember, when I showed up for daylight, wouldn't take no for an smiling, not laughing, just watch the Cow Palace show, I was stunned. answer. I had to kick him in the ing me, and he looks kind of pissed. I mean, a half hour to show time, balls just to get rid of him. So I'm thinking, Oh great, like who and three of them haven't even But that was where I got my the fuck is this guy? Someone the arrived yet. The limo driver's big break, as the saying goes. What Macdonald's people sent over to yelling, their manager, that jerk happened is, sometimes, during the bust my balls? So he's just watching from Sun-Maid, he's screaming slow hours, me, and now I'm gettin a bit pissed about where is the rest of the crew, I'd put a hat out and do a few too, so I tell him, "Hey, who the it was just too much. And you know routines, just to pick up some spare hell are you, the McLawyer?" So he where they were? Passed out at the change. You know, cigarette money, finally laughs, and he hands me his old Whisky-A-Go-Go, that's where. no big deal. Anyway, I was doing card and tells me to call him, and They sent somebody over to get this bit I used to have, which he walks away. I didn't know what them, or there wouldn't even have involved Ronald Macdonald and his to think. But you better believe I been a show that day. whole gang. I had that asshole called him. And what happens? Two God, could those guys party! Mayor McCheese's voice down per weeks later, I'm at the Cow Palace, Night and day, constantly. It was fect, and I had him doing all sorts opening for the California Raisins. like hot and cold running groupies. of funky stuff, like questioning his Now, I admit, I may have But, see, that's where I'm different. self-worth because he's such an stepped over a few characters to get They had no respect for their audi where I am, but ence, treated them like dirt. I was nobody can lay warming up for them all over the that Raisins country, and these crowds were not fiasco on me. I easy, let me tell you. You wanna go knew they out and try to warm up twenty- weren't gonna thousand screaming kids who are last as soon as I all waiting for the Raisins, and who joined that don't know Barney from dick? But tour. You want it was a baptism by fire, let me tell to know why you. By the end of that tour, I knew I'm still here my time was coming. Some of the and what's left kids were even getting up and leav of the whole ing after by bit, before the Raisins purple bunch even came on! Word was getting of them is rid around. And sure enough, I could ing the oblivion see that disaster coming for them. train? It comes They were just crazy, destroying down to a ques hotel rooms, running wild. When

NATIONAL LAMPOON 41 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. man, if you're gonna play with me, you better go all the way. Because if you don't, you're gonna be sorry you were ever hatched." He saw the look in my eye, man, he knew I was serious. Backed off real quick, let me tell you. Some tough guy. But most characters, they usu ally don't give me that kind of has sle. They respect me, they know what I've accomplished, they respect my work. And these days, I'm trying to take it a bit easier. I'm not as young as I used to be, you know. I try and exercise regularly, eat the low fat stuff, fruit juices, all that crap. Now that it's all happen ing for me, I got to watch myself. two of them bought it in that my drift. I can remember waking Cause this is when the real parasites Porsche wreck, I wasn't even sur up in these hotels, not knowing come out of the woodwork, know prised. All I remember thinking where I was or who I was with. what I mean? I just finished my first was, "what a waste." Because there Looking around the room, bodies big solo tour, and I can tell you, was a lot of talent there, don't get just flaked out everywhere, the that's a real grind. I slept for four me wrong. I mean, when they were place a disaster. Toto, we're not in teen hours after the Madison Square on, those guys were amazing. All Kansas anymore, you know what Garden gig alone. It used to be I had those harmonies, all moving in I'm saying? But I respect myself, a lot of time to myself, you know? sync. Two shows every night for six and I won't let myself fall into that I'd sit backstage with the Raisins, months, and they never missed a whole self-destructive scene. goofing off, trying out routines. beat on stage! I hear they're trying There's too much of that crap in That's where I wrote my song, you to put together some sort of come this business, and I won't go for it. know. Back stage in Phoenix. All I back or something. I think they Like these new guys, these Ninja had was the phrase, "I love you, you should just let it die gracefully, if Turtles. They're heading straight love me." But I knew there was you ask me. for the same shit that happened to something there. So one of the You see, that's why I know I've the Raisins, I can see it. I give them Raisins, he chimes in with, "We're a got staying power. I know where another year, tops. And they're too happy family." And then it just I'm at man, and I know how to take belligerent, always picking fights. clicked, and I took it from there. care of myself. I mean, I can party They don't try that stuff with me, That number, it just wrote itself. with the best of them, don't kid let me tell you. I'm bigger than any But I don't have that kind of yourself. When you've done a tour two of them, and I ain't afraid of time anymore. These days, it's all with the Raisins, you're not exactly that chop saki crap they do. I told merchandising, merchandising, a boy scout any longer, if you get that jerk Donatello, I said, "Hey and more merchandising. I'm singing off on deals 10 hours a day. Books, GPf*Y y^ov^ cartoons, film rights, MOTHER l'/A foreign rights, you MOTHER, I'tA name it. Right now GOING OUT GoiHGi ooT GOimoor WITH VAHCB, I we're putting together WITH PETE, TO DANCE- WITH CHUCK- _ofy^g To EAT. Va// the big Asian tour. W And I've got my NBC special coming up. I tell you, I don't have time to scratch my ass anymore. Like I said, this is business. This ain't kindergarten.

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iTambien tenemos cursos para aprender ingles! Llame o escn'banos para los detalles.

I've been working as Director "C'mon, man. of Accounts Payable for Smithson What do you have & Barnes for three-and-a-half to do? M.C. the years. It's a great job. The pay is Betty Crocker amicable, there are plenty of bake-off?" replied perks, and the secretaries are, if I John. Phil was may be so bold, hot to trot. less playful. The mood around the office "Wussy!" has been relaxing. Our boss, Mr. Barnes, has been in Europe for several weeks, and everyone has taken this opportunity to loosen the tie, so to speak. Last Friday, I even wore jeans. However, there Of the twenty or so of are always a few "bad apples" in us who jumped, only every bunch, namely the guys in four survived. "Lets Purchasing. If having toenail- form a circle while chewing contests, streaking, and we're falling/' they seeing who can stand in the sec said. "It'll be fun." retarial pool the longest with his manhood exposed before being noticed is their idea of relieving stress, I'd hate to see what they do on the weekends. Just before lunch, John short, so I accepted the invitation. "Nice outfit, Jamison," Nygard, one of the devil-may-care Mother always said to try some shouted Phil as the other guys madcaps from Purchasing, asked thing new every once in a while. snickered quietly. Making me to go on a survival games myself useful so as to avoid all weekend with some of the guys. the jeers, I began removing all I'd heard of these, but they don't the extra tags and chords on the seem to be my cup of tea. Rolling I arrived at the gamesight parachutes. Before I finished, around in the mud shooting paint bright and early on Saturday though, we were ready to go. I pellets at each other was not my morning, and it became immedi got stuck with one of the chutes idea of a relaxing, or even enjoy ately apparent that I was over with the loose chords. I hope able, weekend, but they needed at dressed. I suppose our ideas of they don't hit me when I'm least twenty people and they were dressing casually differ slightly. falling.

46 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. When the guys said to dress casual, I wore a baseball cap and my most comfortable leisure outfit. What's good enough for Sunday afternoon television will be good enough for this, I thought.

For some unknown reason, only Our first priority four of us survived the jump. was to pinpoint our After a brief period of trying to location. Thank figure out what the hell we were God I had left my going to do, Rich, who took on opera glasses in my the role as leader, decided first pants pocket the and foremost that we should fig last time I wore ure out where we were. All of the them. They weren't equipment was with the other much help, though. guys who were, well, dead, so we picked a direction and started walking. MONDAY • MAY 7, 1994 To keep my mind off my hunger and dispair, I decided to keep a ^ journal. I'm beginning to feel comfortable with the surroundings, which have caused me to become more assertive. John yelled at me for making too much noise when we were hunting and I told him I got so hungry I swear I would to blow it out his cakehole. Finding civilization was the only thing have cooked my own penis, and on my mind. after a feeble attempt to shoot a rabbit with a paint pellet, we set tled for any leaf, berry, or branch we could get our hands on. John found some mushrooms, but he scarfed them all down before any of us could get some. An hour later he was stumbling around uttering "Cool" and "Whoa" and pointing to "melting rocks" and stuff the rest of us couldn't see. We set up camp and slept, starving but content. It was Sunday night, and my immediate concern was that I wouldn't be at Berries and twigs were all we had to eat. John work tomorrow. found some mushrooms, and once he came "I hope I don't get fired," I down, we continued to search for civilization. said. Phil wished he was home watching T.V. Rich "Shut up, Jamison," replied wanted a big steak with all the fixings. I Phil. wished I hadn't rented ALIVE last weekend.

NATIONAL LAMPOON 47 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. TUESDAY • MAY 8, 1994 I found some mushrooms and ate a whole bunch. The last thing I remember was standing on a ledge of rock try ing to jump on the back of a large chicken.

WEDNESDAY • MAY 9, 1994 We were hiking through some dense underbrush when Rich found a half-buried can of Coke. We took a break to celebrate the fact that we were close to home, and everyone was making plans for when they arrived. After two days, hunger had "I'm going to lie in bed for three days with my wife," gotten the best of us. We figured said Phil. we could hunt for small game, but "I want to sit around the house and watch baseball," all we left in our wake was replied Rich. paint-splotched animals. "I can't wait to get back to work," I said. The other guys pelted me with rocks and told me to shut up.

THURSDAY • MAY 10, 1994 We were found by a local tribesman, which seemed sus picious since we were nowhere near a jungle. He led us to a woman with a canoe. She fed us some mushrooms she had in a pouch and took us under the 38th St. bridge, where we walked the rest of the way home.

We danced and sang when Mukimbo found us, until we realized he was going to eat us. He let us free after spotting John's watch, which he promptly placed in his rectum.

A Indian woman led us back to civilization. Not knowing the customs of these people, we rubbed her thighs until we reached land. She seemed most appreciative and fed us well.

r~T~~^~~A It was great to be back home, but our boss sure let us tifc have it when we reported for ifBiL work. Although he didn't seem to buy our story, he let "3B W us off with a warning. W»v^^ ••' ;W^^ Upon exiting Mr. Barnes's office, I suggested we get together next weekend. :~>-.r.?& John turned and kicked me Every other weekend we get together for a survival square in the bails. excursion. Last week we made it to the driveway.

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«rapple dappl G(4/2-45495)lt's the debut album, featuring "trampoline. •• greenberrvwoods-.-';• • ,i-pr.I- Produced by Andy Paley and Steve LaUManagement: John Lay and Ron Furman

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. ^ wants County wants ZgBfa&fjr According to Buzz, money for director Aziz Ghazal of Los J Angeles couldn't seem to get they know the dump' pblocas loca taking *wn is permanent. " any studio to let him direct ^yJy?anneGamboa The state initially nro his pet project, a script AssociatedP^isssociated PTeli" "~*" J^^forilding the *«-»^a called The Brave, written by Paul McCuddon. The Colon accuseaccuse'u ^s 3Ss»g&;aS script had been rt turned down by ASS -*- *t«ra ^S?sp£ numerous studios and production •Boner big winner companies. However, once news surfaced that Ghazal had mur [n women's citv dered his entire OSCEOLA ~ Betty Boner family and then taved to be the big winner in the WOMEN'S CITY TOURNAMENT |t Elkhart Women's Bowling Final Standings committed suicide, Team handicap: Five of Us 3032, Moonlighting irnament, which concluded Catering 3005, Rainbo Jr./Maj. Coaches 2999 the script has sud Jay at OC Lanes. Tapeworm 2993, Baycote Metal Finishing 2982. denly become the Scratch: Classic Five 2719. ier won singles scratch and object of heavy Doubles handicap: Kim Bell-Diane Kershner rcap, all events scratch and 1349, Shirley LantzEva Macumber 1312, Cinthia interest around, and :ap and was a member of Stutzman-Pamela Smith 1295, Sherry Harting- Cheryl Harrington 1294, Charlotte Gruza-Gret- a bidding war may z Five, the scratch team chen Martin 1270. Scratch: Georgiana Miller- ion. Barb LaDow 1230. ensue. (ingles, Singles handicap: Betty Boner 718, Shirley Lantz 704, Tammy Kirby 676, Pat Wilbur 666, One movie exec ' intrib- Jane Boomershine 659. Scratch: Betty Boner 664. utive commented, 61 lassic aivd Bo* ! "For reasons that are Sharp* a payue juiy m if'the All events handicap: Betty Boner 1957, Sue Moore 1920 , lPaat Barrentine 1913, Donn 30/a ScotSue t 'am I^.Eumc19011907, EunicP.7-e'e Ruesr, wrentins IMO.^gJ1900. aScratch I9iT.- n*»•*•ggf&g• '"— t obvious now, no one 1795 wanted to work with Ghazal. Now that he's dead, I see no reasons In what she called we can't make a deal and get the "greatest physical ig on the project." sU*Jr attendants T^btotter goin r challenge of my recent Buzz. life," she says she sSaSKas' held off the killer by **«£*• staring him down. Another diver eventually shot People calling a hot line for and killed the shark. victims of domestic violence, According to the LA "It was kind of frightening, got a phone sex line instead, Outlook, supermodel Kathy but it was also exciting," Ireland when authorities didn't notice Ireland said she was scuba div told Fitness Magazine. "Maybe the agency operating the hot ing at 100 feet in the South I'm sick, but I had no problem line had closed. Pacific last spring, unarmed diving again. I was upset that The toll-free number was and unnoticed by companions, the shark got shot." listed on a card published by when a shark came at her. LA Outlook. the Victim-Witness Assistance

Unit of the Berrien County The body of a 58- Prosecutor's Office. year-old pedestrian One of the agencies listed killed in a hit-and-run acci on the card was closed two dent landed in the bed of the years ago and it's hotline num pickup that struck her. The search. Reports and pictures ber reassigned to a telephone impact severed both the wom show that the animal was nine- sex service. The change went an's legs from her body at the year-old Bilbo, a ginger tomcat unnoticed during that time, knees, and the body flew into that was a favorite playmate of until a victim told police that the bed of the truck, driven by local children. she called the line and got a Randy Bentrup, 45. When asked whether the recording that said, "Hey, babe, The driver of the truck whole operation had been a would you like some of my raw stopped at a gas station four waste of money, Superinten sex, right now?" blocks away to buy a carton of dent Waring replied, "There's San Jose Mercury News. cigarettes, an attendant said. A no need to be caddy about it." Contributed by Robert Johnson. man and woman got out of the Daily Mail. Contributor's truck and explained that they name lost by idiot fileboy. had hit a couch, which caused the dent. The attendant then Local officials in noticed the body. Damariscotta, Maine, threat Police later found the pick A British man was found ened a door-to-door search to up, with the body still in the guilty of having sex with a dog find out who keeps flushing bed, in a parking lot across the after a video he made of the act women's underwear down a toi street from the gas station. was inadvertently shown to let, a practice that has cost the Bentrup was arrested in a bar speechless wedding guests sewer district $9,000. about five blocks away. expecting to see a replay of a "We're considering a Contributed by Tim Harrison. marriage ceremony. house-to-house underwear The 59-year-old man lent search," said Mary Smith, his video recorder to a friend to superintendent of the Great film the wedding, but forgot to Salt Bay Sanitary District, For several hours, thirty erase from the tape scenes of which serves 450 customers. officers and a helicopter filled him in sex acts with a neigh "The underwear are on the with animal catchers armed bors bull terrier, name Ronnie. small side, with cute little flow with high-powered assault rifles Daily Mail. ers that women like," she added. and tranquilizers searched Contributed by Rick Bucko. Burlington Free Press. rooftops in a London, England, Contributed by Brad Irons. neighborhood for a lioness, reportedly basking in the sun. Send your TRUE FACTS Fearing the animal had escaped in, by Quick Mail, to: A Russian pilot allowed his from a local zoo and could be teenage son to take the controls dangerous, the team staked out the area carefully— finally of the Airbus A310 that he was Willie Harper flying. The teenager acciden tracking the animal down. True Facts Editor tally flipped the wrong switch, Officials were given film sending the plane crashing into from a camera that had been NATIONAL LAMPOON the ground in Siberia. All 75 used to take pictures of the ani 10850 Wilshire Blvd. people on board were killed. mal, but did not develop the Los Angeles, CA 90024 USA Today film before beginning their

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HCai nival Cruise Lines JfiKCTCALCARIBBEAN NORWEGIAN CRUISE LINE Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. ing door of young talent - I was but eaten by the feral cats that prowled one of many aspiring writers fresh underneath the nest? Either way, I conxlttc-Lecl' uvtcA/sli-c^vO<5 LQA,- from journalism school. But with had to make my move. I stood up Eddie's help, I was soon able to leap and felt the eyes of the others follow from the masses of faceless interns me. and advance to the position of chief violent- 1 knocked on Mr. Janklow's fashion reporter in only a few door and entered. He I an unusual mice... aoonths. Of course, this nepotic his solid oak desk, ing at the "~me alone watching [vantage incurred the enmity of wall, his eyes, pink and Liffy. ted to feci le other staff members, but what "Mr. Janklow," I unco ml l,*'How bad in his id I care? They were losers and is it?" with Edward Mensch as mentor, I 3$put they soon intensi- He turned to face 'as untouchable. One day Eddie "I just talked to his iwife. The e point whers£|hey could irivately told me that the moment 'c classil'i larvae have invaded his he first saw me, 1 reminded him of don't think he's going of himself when he was younger: ambi He gazed vacantly at the death grim tious, cynical, and recklessly good. I looked down at reaper himself. He thought that in a few years, I swallowed hard. Mr. When his wife came home from could be big, possibly even the best. obviously very upset her community college pottery I believed him, and though the We all were. But I couldn't let emo class, he was writhing madly on the money I made at the moment did not tions stand in my way. It was time linoleum kitchen floor in a pool of yet allow me to quit my menial sec to put my plan into effect. his own wretchings. Horrified, she ond job, I was a rocket on the launch rushed him to the hospital, where, pad, fueled and ready to go. "Mr. Janklow. Now, I know this after an immense battery of painful is difficult to think about, consider tests, it was deduced that he was So as I sat at my desk in the ing the circumstances, but we must afflicted with Ascaris, a para back of the office, I thought of poor be professionals and concentrate on sitic roundworm that lives in the the magazine. That's what intestines, sucking in partly Eddie would want. Now, I know digested food. The diagnosis the press deadline is approach was verified when Mrs. Mensch ing and." brought an empty sardine tin to "I am thinking about the the hospital laboratory and a magazine, you drop of the spring water used to reptile!" he growled.I pack the sardines was examined don't understand is under the microscope. The suppose to inter water teemed with Ascaris eggs. Vid today. We alrea cover shot, the disco ILOAUVCUIAS, CUTWOAAAAIAAAS, When Mr. Janklow, the edi have everything tor, broke the news that next damn interview!" Tears began morning, we were all stunned. welling up in his eyes. "Without As the senior writer of the staff, (LAinAAzaL, cuid/ the interview, we have no maga Edward was by far the most zine. We'll be ruined. I'm noted journalist working for the ruined!" magazine. He had brought home numerous awards, including the Cold-blooded reptile? Why prestigious Willmann Prize, would he say such a thing? given to the best celebrity inter Nonetheless, I stared down at viewer. We all looked up to him the blubbering wreck. He was with great pride and respect now sobbing uncontrollably. I wondered how someone so weak I, for one, was especially con Eddie suffering in a sterile hospital could attain the lofty position of edi cerned. During the short time that I ward while thousands of Ascaris tor-in-chief. had been employed by the maga larvae grew, matured, and copulated zine, Edward Mensch had taken a within his digestive tract. I felt like "Get a grip, Mr. Janklow. We particular avuncular interest in my a young chick who had lost its must think rationally. Now, about career as a writer. When I first mother. Was I strong enough to fly the Johnny Vid interview, where is started, Gather Moss was a revolv on my own or would I be quickly it to take place and at what time?"

58 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. "It's supposed to be happening about the Generation X clamor. Tell I stepped over the man and right now! Johnny Vid's at The the people that they're lonely and cocked my ear toward the door. Royal Crescent probably waiting as dissatisfied enough times and they There was no sound. I knocked, soft we speak. We're doomed!" He soon surely will be. It was a self-ful ly at first and then with more bold resumed his pitiful crying. It made filling prophecy. Throw in HIV, a ness. There was no answer from the me sick and I wanted to smack him daily six-hour dosage of television, room but behind me, the bodyguard a couple of times but refrained. I and one whiny, hedonistic high stirred. I turned quickly and knelt had a better idea. school dropout as cultural icon and over the groggy form, grabbing him "Then I suggest you give me presto! You have an entire popula by his shirt and pulling his head up. some cab fare," I said. tion of uninspired weaklings. "Johnny Vidj&itt£4&&i -room?" "For what?" Frankly, I felt embarrassed for The „ looked at me t», "To get to The Royal Crescent everybody But as I said, I was oteyes. then nodded.H so I can interview Mr. Vid." digressing. I had my own agenda to ivon'i go in my. instruetiijji "Are ypj||high? You can't inter- think about. one to 20 in, no one" The- /id. You're too new, The cab rolled up to The Roy.j guard passed^.qui. 1 let go of Only Eddie can Crescent and I handed the driver,j£ •- and hcMci! rou'gTily-lo t1 I remark I leaned over twenty. He started to count o|f •m&rtead hittin jtwith a muffli close to his pig-like change but I gestured him off with a jjjj stood right in the eyes. quick wave of my hand. He. knock again. Janklow. You give screeched away leaving me standing me on this and I'll give outside the hotel with hardly a clue thought you damn interview you've as to what to do next. I didn't even was a purely idea but as it ever ' your entire life. I'll save know what room Johnny Vid was pushed up from the substrate of my your ass." staying at. Fortunately, I prided mind, it. took the shape of a very ; He blinked a couple of times myself on being resourceful. -,. real possibility. What if Johnny Vid but couldn't escape my stare. I had Quickly, I walked out from was dead? What if the self-pro him enthralled, like a snake mes under the shadow of the building claimed bad-boy of rock had actual merizing its prey. I smiled benignly and stood at the curb of the busy ly partied himself out and left for then continued street. While the hubbub of traffic that great, sleazy nightclub in the "It's your choice. You know buzzed around me, I looked up. On sky? I gazed at the door. Could it those chumps out there can't get the the top floor of The Royal Crescent, be that I, the substitute reporter for job done," I nodded my head thirty stories up, a television dan the great Edward Mensch, on his towards the door, "I'm the untried gled precariously by its cord from very first interview, would discover Johnny Vid's body? The more I an open window. It swayed Jik thought about it, the more I beca: gow looked away and in the breeze, tethered aga convinced that indeed that was- into his pocket, pernicious effects of gravity urked behind the door, He pulled twenty. I took it. its thin plastic and copper would find him in the bathroo • -Thank- Mr. Janklow. You cus. It was an astonishing lifeless body won't regret this." I left his room at a not something your typical toilet bowl with run. Outside, all the other writers vacationers would think to on his head, were glaring at me. I wanted to laugh staying at a hotel. be exciting. I and tell them exactly what I thought The elevator took me stepped of them; but there was no time. up. Stepping out on the top Johnny Vid: the self-proclaimed entered a war-zone. Finn vantage intsh bad-boy of rock as well as the voice strewn all over the hall looked ,J; thai for a disaffected generation. I plastic palm tree smolder the l-boy ol digressed over this as I looked out corner, melted plastic fron bad. Shards of the window of the battered cab at to the carpet. Further down . or and a tortured the cars and pedestrians that filled I saw the first sign of life ,ray-painted. barrel- the streets. Were any of these the slash and burn agricultural ,...e entry hall wall. All alienated persons that Johnny spoke ment. A husky man, a bod across the" floor crippled furniture to and for? With three million lay asleep, curled up in lay splintered and a residual odor of copies of his last album sold, at least position around an empty burning plastic reeked of previously one of them assuredly was. Of behind him, a door, , committed barbarisms. Was this the course, I had my own thoughts cracked. work of a self-destructive soul? 1

NATIONAL LAMPOON 59 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. surely hoped so. I stepped further hands. He had been expostulating crowd. Poor Bill was not found until into the monster's lair. for the past hour about the psycho the next day, knocked out stone-cold Immediately, the flowering logical toll of being famous. I found with the cable still wrapped around stalk of fame and fortune was cut it all very pathetic but it was also his neck. Most of the bones in his down by the weed-whacker of reali very good stuff, the kinds of things scrawny, little body were broken ty. There on the bed, like a crumb of people wanted to read. I was writing and he was suffering from weird cork floating tepidly in a cheap bot furiously. electrical burns on his neck and tle of wine, was the incomparable "Well, Johnny," I said. "You head. He was lucky to be alive. Johnny Vid. Wearing nothing but know, lots of people have prob "I don't know. Crybaby Bill his tight, scummy leather pants, he lems..." seems pretty unstable to me," I said. was still as a statue, except for the "What are you, some kind of "I thought you just looked nimble movements of his spindly psychologist? You should shut up dumb but now I know that your stu fingers. One after the other, he was when I'm talking." pidity is more than skin-deep. flipping burning matches onto the "I'm sorry," I said. Anybody can see that Crybaby bedspread and watching them "Now, don't ever think that you Bill's little stunt was just an act. smother in wisps of blue smoke. or anybody is more screwed up than He's an actor playing the part of the Beside him, comatose under the me. Nobody is, understand? Like unbalanced rock star. With me it's covers lay a bleached blonde com take that other guy who sings for different. It's not an act, it's real. I panion. I stood there dejected. He Jammed Toe, Crybaby Bill. Man, feel it. It's part of my whole being. was alive. I'm a hundred times more twisted I am screwed up." Finally he turned his head. than him. He's not even in my I nodded and Johnny continued. "Johnny Vid?" I asked. league. What'd he try to do, hang "I think one of the reasons why He didn't say anything but himself on stage at the Palladium? I'm so messed up is because I had a instead scrunched his face up in a That's nothing." very unhappy childhood. I remem hideous displeasured scowl. I pondered this point, having ber when I was younger I played on Ignoring this, I reached for the only read about the Crybaby Bill incident a baseball team and when the season intact chair in the room to sit down, in the newspaper. Apparently, at the was over, there was going to be a but a beat-up electric guitar rested end of the Jammed Toe show, Bill team party at the Pizza Shack. Well, on it. I gently took hold of the guitar climbed up into the rafters above the my old man didn't let me go to the to move it. This prompted him final stage and wrapped a lighting cable party because I didn't mow the yard ly to speak. around his neck. When the crowd earlier that day. Can you believe "That's a '72 Les Paul Custom began chanting for an encore, Bill that? So while all my friends were Super Deluxe. Be careful with it or screamed, "Everybody want some having a good time eating pizza, I I'm gonna leap out of this bed like mo'?" The crowd responded with a was at home mowing the yard." your worst nightmare." I looked at momentous roar so he asked again, "Gee, that's pretty bad." the treasure in my hands. It was a "Everybody want some mo'?" "Yeah, I'll never forgive him puke-yellow instrument with ciga Again a roar from the crowd. "All for that. Never, ever. That's why I rette burns visible on the finish and right! Here's one from our next think I turned to music..and drugs. the words 'Burn out-not fade away' album!" He then jumped off the You know, to ease the pain." roughly carved beneath the rusty rafter with the cable neck-tie and "Drugs?" I asked. Johnny Vid pick-ups. I carried it to the far side plummeted toward the stage. The was to drugs like Sandy Duncan of the room and leaned it up against cable that Bill had chosen, however, was to wheat thins. I wanted to steer the wall. I sat down and then absent- was too long and his plunging body the conversation in that direction ly began patting my pockets. crashed through the flimsy plywood now that he had broached the sub Damn! In my haste to leave the stage and fell to the concrete floor ject; it would make more good copy. office I had forgotten a lot of things. below. The enthusiastic crowd went Meanwhile, Johnny leaned over and absolutely nuts thinking it was all pulled out a beer from the night "Do you have a pen?" I asked. part of the show, but when Bill did He scowled again and then reached stand drawer which was filled with n't reemerge after a brief interlude, melted ice. He opened the bottle over to the nightstand and grabbed they became incensed. To com something. It was a pencil. with his teeth, making a loud- pound problems, Bill's fall some wrenching noise. I winced. He spit "But don't you see? Oh, God! how short-circuited the house lights Nobody ever sees! I'm screwed up, out the bottle cap, took a swig, and which flickered briefly and then cut began talking again. man. I drag out of bed when most out. Pandemonium erupted and riot people are coming home from work. police were rushed in to quell the "Yeah, drugs. I like drugs, lots I..I."-Johnny buried his head in his of 'em, and I'll do anything to get

60 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 'em. It's all part of me being McDonald's. Johnny began to speak vesced from the glowing, humming screwed up." again. tube. I turned around to say some "Wow. That's pretty bad," I said. "That girl is really a genius. thing when suddenly Johnny "I know. I just can't help Unfortunately she only does her became very agitated at one of the myself. You wanna know what I thinking when she's horizontal. But videos on the screen. It was a was doing before you came in? I the things she says..she told me I Paulabdonna video. was on my hands and knees with was like a turtle and she was my "Who is she? What is she? I my face buried in the carpet! Why? shell. Really blew my mind, man! hate her! She doesn't even write her Because I'd spilled my stash on the Of course, I've only known her for a own songs! I'd like to push her off a floor the night before. On my hands few days." cliff!" and knees! Like, you know, some "She looks young," I said. Professional jealousy on thing that ain't worth a rat's ass." "Yeah. But she's got a good Johnny's part? Paulabdonna was "Oh, baby, you're worth a rat's fake I.D." one of the most powerful entertain ass." She's alive! I had completely "It must be good. She definitely ers in the world despite not writing forgotten about his companion. doesn't look old enough to drink." her own material. Of course, Johnny "And what do you know about "To drink? She's not old Vid was a huge star and he didn't anything, huh?" said Johnny, "Why enough to drive." write his own material either. But I don't you tell us about your nose "What's her name?" I asked. did agree with Johnny in that I was bleed last night. Thought I was "Debbie." n't a big fan. Actually, I didn't know going have to put a tourniquet "What a pretty name." I meant one person who had anything good around your neck to keep you from it, too. to say about Paulabdonna, yet her bleeding to death." "Hey, man. Retrieve the TV and albums always went platinum. Who She looked hurt. we'll watch videos." I stood up and was buying all those records? Her "Why do you say those things, walked to the window and leaned family? I looked at Johnny, hoping Johnny? Don't you love me?" out. The television was hanging to fathom what storm clouds were "Love you? You spend too dizzily, anchored by the plug lodged brewing in that gaseous space that much time on your back. I don't in the socket, the corner of the set kept his head inflated. He just stared love anybody and especially not pivoted against the outside wall. sullenly ahead, a freshly lit cigarette you." Admirably, Johnny had no Amazingly, it was still on clenched passionately between his lips. qualms at all in regards to shredding I gingerly pulled on the cord to a person's self esteem. But, in a test its strength and wondered what Suddenly, gesturing wildly way, I could sense that he really did effect a falling television would toward the television again, love her, he just had difficulty have on the human cranium. The Johnny's trademark screech pierced expressing it. Johnny reached over cord was strong, however, and I was the inner sanctums of my ears. to the night stand again where a pile able to hoist up the T.V. and man "This is it! This is it! Turn it up! of wadded up dollar bills lay stuck handle it through the window. I All the way!" I leaned forward and to some spilt orange juice. He then carried it to its stand. It was twisted the volume knob. unraveled two bills and handed already turned to the music channel. On the television, I saw them to the girl. "Sylvania Super Sets are some Johnny's twisted face float ethereal "Hey, slut, why don't you get thing else, eh?" I said. ly across a fiery background. dressed and go to McDonald's? "RCA's are pretty good, too," Psychedelic guitar chordings crack Bring me back a McMuffin or said Johnny. led and ricocheted out of the tiny something. What time is it? When We sat in silence for a few min television mono-speaker. It was do they stop serving breakfast?" utes, then Johnny began talking, Deepness of Your Love, Johnny's I looked at my watch as she "Deepness of Your Love is being controversial video. struggled out of the bed, keeping spun hourly now. Sometimes twice "As you probably already my eyes averted to avoid looking at an hour." know, this video has taken a lot of her pale, bare form while she "Really? It must be tremen heat from concerned parents, and, searched the room for her clothes. dously popular." quite frankly, I don't know what the Johnny meanwhile pulled a cigarette "Jesus! Do you live under a big deal is. It certainly has boosted from the crushed Marlboro wrapper. rock? It's the number one video on record sales, though." Lighting it, he leaned back and this entire planet. The visuals are On the video, Johnny was run stared at the ceiling. Finally, dressed extraordinary." ning in place, periodically looking in a black mini-skirt, high-heels and I eased back into the chair and at the camera and lip-syncing the a Motorhead T-shirt, she departed to absorbed the images that effer words that thousands of depressed

NATIONAL LAMPOON 61 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. teenagers across the land knew by t's hands was a bottle of beer which the bed. Johnny gathered up the dis heart, "Chase me, chase me, I'll let he promptly drew up to his mouth. assembled bits, and with stale ashes you catch me." Behind the fleeing "Not many people know this and bedspread lint adhered to the superstar were dozens of ginger but Old Milwaukee is my favorite greasy sausage, shoved the unappe bread figures, obviously female due brew," Johnny said. "It was tough tizing item into his mouth. to strategic and overly generous getting the kid to bottoms up on cue, "What do you think?" Johnny applications of dough. but what we did though, is we filled asked, his mouth a maelstrom of Suddenly, a walloping clank the bottle with apple juice and put saliva and crumbs. "Absolutely fan burst forth and Johnny was tum a nipple on the end. The nipple tastic video, right? I mean it has bling over the lip of a huge cavern. was somehow airbrushed out during such an edge to it. It's really just Cascading guitar noises followed the final production. Looks real there. I think it's one of the most his plunging body. enough." important videos ever made." "This next part is great. I I didn't know what to say so I I fidgeted in the chair and thought all this up." didn't say anything. At that moment thought about what I had just seen. On the television, Johnny was the girl named Debbie returned. It was an interesting video and I no longer falling but was now swim "Here, my little baby doll, kind of liked it. But, of course, I ming furiously, and for good couldn't say that. I looked at reason. All around Johnny my notes. I certainly had were human-sized sperm cells. enough to write something I looked back to take in good, but I wanted something Johnny's reaction. He was great. Quickly, I made up my staring intently at the images mind to take the initiative. I on the screen, his beady eyes had a plan, a beautiful plan; so narrowly focused. I noted that beautiful I wished I could have his countenance emanated a stepped out of my body just to prideful glow, perhaps the watch it unfold. same type of glow that crossed "Before I offer my opin Michelangelo's visage when LCLO^AAVa/ Ct/t/ vkyQs CXXATYXsQ/LCV. CU\A/ ion," I said, "may I first turn ever he stepped inside the off the television?" Without Sistine Chapel.-Perhaps. waiting for an answer I leaned On the screen now, forward and pushed in the Johnny was hanging onto the off/on switch. The picture dis side of what looked like a torted a bit as it tried desper giant beach ball. With his free ately to cling to life, then hand he was swatting at the faded. The room was silent. marauding sperm that were "I thought the video trying to dislodge him. sucked." The words lingered "I copied this straight in the air. from King Kong. If you com "Yeah, it's really tremen pare this to the old black and dous, a visual A-bomb," he white movie, you'll notice that said. "I really amaze myself my arm movements are exact with my own brilliance. I've ly like Kong's when he was already got some definite ideas being attacked by the air for the next video, My planes. My idea once again." Pregnant Helium Girl. It will The video proceeded inex really make people think about orably onward. catch!" In one quick motion she things that perhaps they haven't The next image that flashed on tossed the McMuffin and then given much " I could almost see the tube was of a diaper-clad infant promptly left the room in a swirl of the whirring gears seize up in perched on a bar stool. The baby black lace and leather, the door Johnny's head as he put the brakes was wearing a World War I German slamming behind her. The flying to his racing mind. They were air officer's cap and a silk scarf, two McMuffin sailed between Johnny's beginning to accelerate in reverse fashion items that Johnny had made outstretched hands and bounced off direction. popular by sporting them on his last his face, shedding free from its "You thought what?!" he album cover. Clutched in the infan wrapper and flying apart when it hit howled.

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NATIONAL LAMPOON 63 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. "Let me explain," I said. "I ostrich during half-time of the Super an abrupt motion, pulled the bottle know that defining and judging art Bowl if it would make her more from his mouth. I dragged his body is a subjective process, and so bear money. I think Johnny Vid is a puny to the bathroom and flopped it on in mind that this is only my subjec punk brat who has never once in his top of the white porcelain bowl. I tive opinion, but I thought the video life had an original or positive lowered the seat like a gentleman sucked." I began pacing the room thought. For the last two hours all and stood back. It looked good. and the words kept flowing. I've heard pass from your ven The rest, I'm sure you "The graphics were certainly omous lips are expletives concern knowabout. The news of Johnny state of the art, but then again, all ing how hard your life is, or self- Vid's death affected a lot of people. videos these days are state of the art. conceited remarks about your It was such a tragedy: sex, drugs, and At times I thought the video was purported genius." He sat there in rock n' roll claims another victim. funny, but overall the storyline was the bed looking stupid. I went on. Immediately after the incident there meaningless and a bit juvenile and..I "I really think you're the most were numerous copy-cat suicides and surmise that the drinking infant was unbelievably fortunate human on bodies of distraught fans were turn meant to symbolize you? And after the planet. You're a lottery winner. ing up in bathrooms all across you grow up, you get chased again You have no talent yet you live a America. The record company in a and then fall into the womb to father life that most people would kill for!" gesture of remembrance and sorrow yourself a rock n' roll Mobius I stopped and studied my quarry. released a Johnny Vid Tribute album, strip? I thought it was pretty stu Johnny didn't say anything a compilation of hit singles and B- pid, actually." right away. He was too disoriented, sides within the month. Johnny just stared at me, his too stressed. Instead he reached 1, of course, was very fortunate. eyes narrowing, the shocking spiked back into the night stand and pulled The novelty of being the last person hair standing on end like the hackles out another beer. I smiled because I to speak with the now legendary of a rabid dog. Then his face distort knew he would. He was just like the rocker made me a celebrity of sorts ed and his mouth opened. I did a baby in the video; Old Milwaukee which I capitalized to the hilt via a quick mental calculation to judge was his security blanket. He had book deal and a made-for-TV the time that it would take before played right into my hands. movie. I was financially set so there the sound blast would reach me. Opening it, he took a swig. was no need to keep my second job "Are you out of your goddamn In a flash I had Johnny's Les at the fish cannery. God! I hated that mind?!!!!" He began swinging his Paul Custom Super Deluxe in my place. The interview itself was pub head savagely back and forth, look hands and was swinging it towards lished in Gather Moss and it was ing for something solid and life- him. I saw fear in his eyes, the fear good, though not good enough to be threatening. He reached for his half- of annihilation. The guitar hit the considered Willmann Prize material. finished beer and hurled it. bottle flush on the bottom with sick That didn't bother me too much. Fortunately his pitching was weak ening force, knocking his head vio A macabre side-story is that in and the bottle sailed over my head lently backwards into the headboard. accordance to Johnny's wishes, his and shattered against the wall, Old The concussion from the blow body was flown to Portland, his Milwaukee still flying everywhere. knocked him out and he slumped hometown and placed in a heart- "Do you think that you can say over to the side with the bottle shaped glass coffin. It was then put those things to me? Do you think wedged tightly between his teeth. on display at his home in a hastily that you'll ever work again?" I gave The volatile beer was spewing into built mausoleum where an amazing him a sly smile. The flying bottle Johnny's gaping mouth and bubbles hundred-thousand mopish fans startled me but I didn't want to of foam soon expanded out of his showed up in the first week alone. seem perturbed. I gave him another nose. His chest began convulsing as Unfortunately, the glass coffin was sly smile. I wanted him confused his lungs tried to draw in oxygen; his not constructed completely air-tight but not enraged. I felt like a fighter ribs strained against the skin trying to and within a week there was a thin in the ring. I was jabbing, keeping escape, trying but not succeeding. layer of white fuzz covering the sur him off-balance, setting him up. It was all over in just a few face of his body. By the end of the "Here's what I think, Johnny. I minutes. Johnny stared with vacant month this fuzz had proliferated think Jim Morrison was a lousy poet eyes. I quickly went to the door and until it filled the entire heart-shaped but a great alcoholic. I think locked it. I then walked over to box. Not what Johnny had in mind Paulabdonna would stroke an Johnny's twitching body and with I'm sure. In a way I felt bad.

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