WHATEVER WORKS Woody Allen, 2009

Review • Spanish script

TRANSCRIPTION

0:00:00 CREDITS

Groucho Marx sings Hello I must be going, from the film Animal crackers (1930)

Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going. I'm glad I came but just the same I must be going.

For my sake you must stay, for if you go away, you'll spoil this party I am throwing.

I'll stay a week or two, I'll stay the summer through, but I am telling you, I must be going.

0:01:08 BORIS, JOE, ADAM Y LYLE

BORIS That's not what I'm saying, you imbecile. God, you completely misrepresent my ideas! Why am I even bothering talking to such idiots?

ADAM Boris, calm down.

BORIS No, don't tell me to... I am calm.

JOE Don't jump on us just because we don't understand what you're saying.

BORIS I didn't jump on you. It's not the idea behind Christianity I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion. It's the professionals who've made it into a corporate business. There's big money in the God racket. Big money.

ADAM Here we go. We know, Boris.

BORIS Hey, the basic teachings of Jesus are quite wonderful. So, by the way, is the original intention of Karl Marx. Okay? Hey, what could be bad? Everybody should share equally. Do unto others. Democracy. Government by the people. All great ideas. These are all great ideas, but they all suffer from one fatal flaw.

ADAM Which is?

LYLE Yeah, what's that?

BORIS Which is they're all based on the fallacious notion that people are fundamentally decent. Give them a chance to do right and they'll take it. They're not stupid, selfish, greedy, cowardly, short-sighted worms. They do the best they can.

LYLE Speak for yourself, man. Speak for yourself.

BORIS All I'm saying is that people make life so much worse than it has to be and, believe me, it's a nightmare without their help. But on the whole, I'm sorry to say, we're a failed species.

LYLE I wouldn't go that far.

BORIS Not Ed. That's why this woman you like, Joe, so what if she's an embalmer's assistant, so she stinks from formaldehyde? For Christ's sake, you got to take what little pleasure you can find in this chamber of horrors.

JOE A little formaldehyde, okay, but she reeks of it.

ADAM You know, they don't know your story.

LYLE Boris, tell them your story.

BORIS My story is, whatever works. You know, as long as you don't hurt anybody. Any way you can filch a little joy in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless, black chaos. That's my story, okay?

ADAM No. That's not... Tell them the story. Tell them. Yeah. Tell them.

BORIS You just want me to say it again, so they can hear.

ADAM Who?

BORIS Them.

LYLE Who? Who's them?

BORIS You see something out there?

LYLE Where?

BORIS What are you? An imbecile? There's an audience full of people looking at us.

JOE An audience?

OTRO What's he talking about? You feel you're being watched.

BORIS They paid good money for tickets, hard-earned money, so some moron in Hollywood can buy a bigger swimming pool.

JOE Okay, you're saying there are human beings out there who bought tickets to watch us.

BORIS Well, mostly they're interested in me, I have to say. Yeah, they're just sitting there. Don't you see them? Some are eating popcorn, some are just staring straight ahead breathing through their mouths like Neanderthals.

JOE So they're there to listen to your story?

LYLE Total delusions of grandeur.

JOE Completely.

BORIS Why would you want to hear my story? Do we know each other? Do we like each other? Let me tell you right off, okay? I'm not a likeable guy. Charm has never been a priority with me. And just so you know, this is not the feel-good movie of the year. So if you're one of those idiots who needs to feel good, go get yourself a foot massage.

BLACK KID Mom, that man's talking to himself!

MOTHER Come away, Justin.

BORIS What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothing comes to anything, and yet there's no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. Your friends, your co-workers, your newspapers, the TV. Everybody's happy to talk, full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, your portfolio, your children, health. Christ! If I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don't want to live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. And your omega-3's and the treadmill and the cardiogram and the mammogram and the pelvic sonogram and, oh, my God, the colonoscopy! And with it all, the day still comes when they put you in a box and it's on to the next generation of idiots who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate. My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror and corruption and ignorance and poverty and genocide and AlDS and global warming and terrorism and the family-value morons and the gun morons! "The horror", Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness. "The horror". Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle, then he'd see some horror. But what do you do? You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up, and you go, "Oh, my God, the horror!" And then you turn the page and finish your eggs from free-range chickens. Because what can you do? It's overwhelming. I tried to commit suicide myself. Obviously, it didn't work out. But why do you even want to hear about all this? Christ, you got your own problems. I'm sure you're all obsessed with any number of sad little hopes and dreams. Your predictably unsatisfying love lives. Your failed business ventures. "Oh, if only I'd bought that stock!" "If only I had purchased that house years ago!" "If only I had made a move on that woman." If this, if that. You know what? Give me a break with your "could haves" and "should haves." Like my mother used to say, "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a trolley car." My mother didn't have wheels. She had varicose veins. Still, the woman gave birth to a brilliant mind. I was considered for a Nobel Prize in physics. I didn't get it. But, you know, it's all politics, just like every other phony honor. Incidentally, don't think I'm bitter because of some personal setback. By the standards of a mindless, barbaric civilization, I've been pretty lucky. I was married to a beautiful woman, who had family money. For years we lived on Beekman Place. I taught at Columbia. String theory.

0:06:45 HOUSE OF BORIS

BORIS Aaaah! Aaaaaaah!

JESSICA, frightened What's the matter, Boris?

BORIS I'm dying!

JESSICA What is it?

BORIS I'm dying!

JESSICA Should I call an ambulance?

BORIS No! No, not now! No, not tonight! I mean, eventually!

JESSICA Boris, everybody dies.

BORIS It's unacceptable!

JESSICA Your panic attacks are getting more frequent and more intense. You have to go back on your medicine.

BORIS I'm not going back on my goddamn medicine. I won't have my mind befuddled by chemicals when I'm the only one who sees the whole picture for exactly what it is. Where's the goddamn vodka?

JESSICA Boris, I have clients to see tomorrow morning. It is 4:00 a.m.!

BORIS Clients. Right. Wealthy bankers. To design their chic apartment, to fill it full of art and expensive possessions, so they can flaunt their money and be in the top 1% of this shameful, violent, prejudiced, illiterate, sexually repressed, self-righteous nation!

JESSICA Christ, it is 4:00 a.m. Can you spare me this sophomoric tirade!

BORIS I'm a man with a huge worldview. I'm surrounded by microbes!

JESSICA And what about me? Am I a microbe? Is our son at Yale a microbe?

BORIS Let's face it, Jessica, okay? Our marriage hasn't been a garden of roses. Botanically speaking, you're more of a Venus flytrap.

JESSICA You are a very difficult man to live with.

BORIS Is that why you had an affair?

JESSICA I didn't have an affair. It was a brief interlude of infidelity, and it happened years ago. You still can't forget it!

BORIS I see everything so clearly now. Everything! I married you for all the wrong reasons.

JESSICA What's that supposed to mean?

BORIS You're brilliant. I wanted someone to talk to. You loved classical music, you loved art, you loved literature. You loved sex! You loved me!

JESSICA Those sound like pretty good reasons to me!

BORIS Yes! Exactly! That's the problem! That's the problem! It was rational, it made sense!

JESSICA I don't know what went wrong. When you examine it, there is so much right about us.

BORIS On paper we're ideal. But life isn't on paper.

JESSICA Boris? Boris, what are you doing? Close the window! Boris!

0:08:56 STREET. BORIS TALKS TO VIEWERS

BORIS Can you believe I hit the canopy? I hit the goddamn canopy. Months in the hospital! Moron doctors! Look. Look at this limp. I never had a limp before. Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica, moved downtown and gave up. I eke out a meager living teaching chess to incompetent zombies. [Boris scolds a pupil] Checkmate, you little patzer!

MOTHER Hey! He's only eight years old, Mr. Yellnikoff. You're supposed to be teaching him...

BORIS He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58. [To viewers] More important than how I make my living, is why I bother to live at all.

0:09:29 CAFE. BORIS, JOE, LEO

BORIS, off Nights, I have trouble sleeping and hang out on Mott Street, trying to explain to cretins that while a black man got into the White House he still can't get a cab in New York.

BORIS Almost 100 years after the abolition of slavery, a man couldn't play a game of baseball in the big leagues if his skin color was black.

JOE You're harping on one point.

BORIS Oh, good. Okay, forget blacks. Take Jews.

JOE What?

LEO Here we go.

BORIS For years they restricted the number of Jews in schools, medical schools. In America, as much as they hated blacks, they hate Jews even more. Blacks they were scared had too big a penis. Jews they hated, even with little penises.

LEO For God's sake, I'm eating here.

WOMAN You! I've been looking for you! I want to talk to you.

BORIS Who are you?

WOMAN Did you pick up a chessboard full of pieces and hit my son with it at his lesson today?

BORIS That idiot's your son? Do me a favor. Don't send that cretin to me anymore. I can't teach an empty-headed zombie chess.

WOMAN I'll have you know that he is a very bright child.

BORIS In your opinion. In your opinion. Which is skewed, because he's your unfortunate issue.

WOMAN So you threw a chessboard at him?

BORIS I didn't throw it at him. I picked up the board and dumped the pieces on his head as an object lesson to shake him out of his vegetable torpor.

WOMAN You wait until my husband gets back from Florida.

BORIS What's he doing in Florida without you?

WOMAN He will punch you in the nose.

BORIS Her husband's in Fort Lauderdale. He's probably hanging out with naked coeds on spring break. He tells her it's a business trip. Your son's an imbecile. Teach him tiddlywinks, not chess.

LEO You handled that beautifully, Boris.

JOE You know, you should open the Boris Yellnikoff Charm School.

LEO Let's get out of here. It's late. I'm tired.

JOE Good night, Boris.

BORIS What? What are you doing? Where are you going? That's it?

0:11:18 BORIS WALKS DOWN THE STREET. HE’S LAME

MELODY Sir?

BORIS, scared Hey! What? What the hell are you doing? My God, you scared me. For God's sake! You creep up on me like that, you little vagrant. What do you want?

MELODY Can you help me get something to eat?

BORIS Oh, God, no, I don't carry any money. Now, come on, you can tell that to your partner, wherever he's hiding.

MELODY Please, I'm so hungry!

BORIS, stops back Back up! Back up!

MELODY I haven't had anything to eat all day. I think I'm going to faint.

BORIS Yeah, listen, I'm wise to that scam, little girl, okay? I know about professional beggar school.

MELODY Please, I'm desperate.

BORIS (sacudiendo una mano) God, stop that! You look terrible! What's wrong with you? Just... All right. Come up for two minutes. That's it. And then... And then go.

MELODY, runs for her bag Thank you!

BORIS Two minutes, okay? That's it.

0:12:10 BORIS WASHES HIS HANDS

BORIS Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday, dear Boris, Happy birthday to you... [Bis]

MELODY Is this your birthday?

BORIS You don't know you have to sing Happy Birthday twice to get the germs off? You said you were starving. What do you like?

MELODY I like oysters, blackened redfish, gumbo, crab legs, black-eyed...

BORIS Are you nuts? What do you think I'm running? A Creole restaurant? How about a can of sardines?

MELODY Oh, yes, please.

BORIS Gumbo. So what's your name?

MELODY Melody. Melody Celestine.

BORIS, ironic Melody Celestine.

MELODY, proud Melody SaintAnne Celestine. It's French. My mama's family was from New Orleans. I'm from Mississippi, Mr...

BORIS Muggeridge. Lionel Muggeridge.

MELODY Mr. Muggeridge. Eden, Mississippi. You ever hear of it?

BORIS No, I haven't. Not even the people who live there have heard of it.

MELODY So...

BORIS So what are you running away from?

MELODY Home.

BORIS Could you be more specific, Melanie?

MELODY, smiles Melody. Melanie was from Gone with the Wind.

BORIS Oh, yeah. I preferred the one who played Scarlett.

MELODY Why? Melanie was the nice one. She marries Ashley.

BORIS Ashley. What an imbecile! I couldn't stand him, I couldn't stand his wife, that goody two-shoes, sexual nothing. Scarlett, bitch that she was, with those green eyes...

MELODY You know, I came in first dressed as Scarlett O'Hara in one of the pageants.

BORIS Pageant?

MELODY My mom always used to keep me busy in all these beauty contests. That's why I didn't get to schooling much.

BORIS All right, my advice to you, go back home.

MELODY Oh, no, I'm never going back home.

BORIS You're a brainless little twit who won't last three days in New York. You'd be dead now of starvation if I hadn't a heart as big as all outdoors.

MELODY I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge.

BORIS All right, stop calling me Muggeridge.

MELODY But that's your name.

BORIS No, it's not my name. My name is Boris Yellnikoff. I was using an alias. I thought, who knows, you might be from the Taliban or something.

MELODY Can I stay here?

BORIS Stay here? What are you? Nuts? How old are you?

MELODY I'm 21.

BORIS 21? You're 21 like I play for the Yankees. Twenty-one!

MELODY You're a professional athlete with that limp?

BORIS Oh, Christ!

MELODY All right, look, I don't want to go back. Okay? I want to make a new life here in New York.

BORIS You'll wind up a prostitute, like those Asian girls who come here full of high hopes. And then they wind up turning tricks to keep alive. And many of them are actually good-looking.

MELODY That's so funny you just mentioned tricks! You know, I do magic. I do. I can show you. I just need... Do you have any silk handkerchiefs?

BORIS Yeah, you know, some other time, you're... Look, you're a sweet kid. Stupid beyond all comprehension, but you'll never survive here. You got nothing going for you. Zero. Zilch. You know, you may be beauty contest material in the Deep South, but this is the big time. Here, you're a three. A five maybe after you bathe.

MELODY Did you get that limp playing for the Yankees?

BORIS Imbecile child. Brainless inchworm. I didn't play for the Yankees! I was being sarcastic before.

MELODY, smiles Oh, you... I took it seriously.

BORIS Yes.

MELODY I usually get jokes. At the church's social, I was the comedian twice. I've a way with jokes. Yes.

BORIS Really? Spare me and just get out.

MELODY No, Mr. Muggeridge...

BORIS Stop calling me Muggeridge, okay? I already explained that!

MELODY I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just... I just need a place to stay for a few nights, till I get on my feet. I don't have anywhere to go. And if you throw me out and I wind up an Asian prostitute, that's gonna be on your conscience.

BORIS I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile. I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange between a bedraggled microbe and a Nobel-level thinker. Keep out of my way.

MELODY I will, I promise. I'm just gonna use the little girl's to freshen up, and then I'm gonna go right to sleep.

BORIS Yes, yes, use the little girl's. Freshen up. Don't forget to tip the attendant.

MELODY I won't. Thank you so much, Mr...

BORIS Oh, what? You were going to say Muggeridge again?

MELODY No!

BORIS It's Boris Yellnikoff! You call me Muggeridge one more time, I'm gonna throw you out the goddamn window.

MELODY Do you mind if I watch a little TV?

BORIS Yes, I do, simpleton.

MELODY I just like to turn some on at night to unwind.

BORIS Yeah. You touch that dial, I'll unwind your head with my bare hands. How about that?

0:16:56 CAFÉ. JOE, ADAM & LYLE

JOE Did you hear about Boris?

ADAM What?

JOE I tried to call him yesterday and a woman answered the phone.

ADAM No! Who is she?

JOE He got conned into letting some little runaway bed down in his apartment while she looks for a job and gets settled. Apparently she's never been to New York before and she's asked him if he would show her around.

ADAM Boris is going to be sightseeing?

JOE Yeah.

ADAM Not a chance.

ALL No way.

0:17:16 GRANT’S TOMB. BORIS & MELODY

BORIS, very tired My whole life I've lived in New York, I never wanted to go to Grant's Tomb. Now I know why.

MELODY Why?

BORIS I should never go to a tomb, ever.

MELODY My mom brought me up to believe that the good Lord has a plan that we're all a part of. He has His eye on the sparrow.

BORIS Yeah, I pity the sparrow.

MELODY, laughs I'm not getting into heaven, though. I sinned.

BORIS You? You're kidding. You sinned?

MELODY I made love before I was married.

BORIS Oh, my God.

MELODY Plenty of my friends have, but in my house, that's just unforgivable. I just couldn't resist Bobby Klaxon.

BORIS, annoyed All right, okay, spare me the details, all right.

MELODY No, it was really beautiful! I mean, he was just this pretty boy guitar player in this amazing rock band. I mean, if you think you're a genius, he can double on the drums.

BORIS No! Doubles on drums?

MELODY, dreamer Yeah. All the girls had a crush on him, but he liked me. He’s so sweet and sensitive, and he caught the biggest catfish in Plaquemines County.

BORIS, ironic I wondered who caught that catfish.

MELODY Hey, you know, my mom always told me that it was gonna hurt the first time, you know, she said it was, you know, it's a woman's duty to just lie down, bear it and... You know, she said there were a lot of perversions involved, and that, you know, it's God's will, you shouldn't do it unless you were married and you planned to have kids and... She said it could be dangerous, but I just felt like it was the most natural thing in the world. You know, it just felt right. And all the little extras were just fun. It wasn't complicated at all. And I think Bobby really liked it, because he was going to dump his Betty Jo Cleary, this girl he was going steady with. But I wouldn't, I wouldn't hear of it. It was just what it was, you know, it was a nice moment behind the tent at the fish fry.

BORIS That is the most disgusting story I've ever heard. You and this adenoidal guitar player slaking your lust at some barbaric social function.

MELODY You don't like to make love?

BORIS No, I do not. No.

MELODY That's crazy! Boris, do you want to be buried or cremated?

BORIS All right, I really don't want to talk about that. Okay?

MELODY I think I want to be cremated.

BORIS All right, will you shut up, cretin?

MELODY There's no worms.

0:19:25 BORIS & MELODY GOING OUT FROM A KNISH SHOP

MELODY What is this?

BORIS A knish.

MELODY And what's it made of?

BORIS I've been eating these things for years, they're delicious. I don't know what's in them. I don't want to know what's in them. Don't even talk about it!

0:19:38 BORIS’S APARTMENT

BORIS Oh, my God! The horror! The horror!

MELODY Boris! Are you all right?

BORIS No…

MELODY What happened?

BORIS I'm not all right.

MELODY Are you sick?

BORIS No.

MELODY Did you have a bad dream?

BORIS Yeah, it was terrible.

MELODY Come here. It's okay.

BORIS Oh, I can't...

MELODY Oh, baby, you're sweating. Come sit down.

BORIS Night sweats. I get them. I used to think it was AIDS, but it's just that I have a morbid fear of the dark and you turned my night-light off!

MELODY Oh, I'm sorry. Does your stomach hurt? Could it be the kwish?

BORIS Knish! Not kwish!

MELODY Well, here, I'll put something on TV.

BORIS I saw the abyss.

MELODY Don't worry, we'll watch something else. Oh, this is...

BORIS Yeah. Fred Astaire. Yeah. Leave that. That's good. Leave that.

0:20:47 STATUE OF LIBERTY

BORIS, off There, that's it, okay? Can we get the hell out of here?

MELODY Oh, my God, that's it! It's the actual one! I've only seen it in pictures! "Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses..."

BORIS I'm surprised you know that, terrible as it is.

MELODY I closed with it for the Miss Greenwood, Mississippi pageant. I think it's so moving.

BORIS But the huddled masses were never welcomed with open arms. Soon as they came over, each ethnic group was met with violence and hostility. Each one had to claw and fight its way in. People always hated foreigners. It's the American way.

MELODY Our pageants like to focus on the positive things about America.

BORIS Yeah. The blacks were kidnapped from Africa! Chained in ships!

MELODY My daddy says that America bends over backwards for the blacks because we feel guilty, and it's crazy.

BORIS Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's a cracker. He's a bigot moron. Your daddy!

MELODY Well, you're probably right, 'cause you're a genius, but for a little Mississippi girl like me, this is really exciting! So what kind of genius are you, anyway?

BORIS What kind?

MELODY Yeah, what are you genius at?

BORIS Quantum mechanics.

MELODY Yeah, but what field? Like music?

MELODY, with Boris sitting on park bench When you see kids tossing a ball, does it ever make you miss spring training?

BORIS, choleric All right, I've never played for the Yankees. Do you understand that? I have never played any sports whatsoever in my life! Okay? Ever!

0:22:14 CAFE. BORIS, JOE, LEO BROCKMAN

BORIS Joe, Leo, you gotta help me out. I can't take it anymore.

JOE Just kick her out.

BORIS Can you believe it's been a month already?

JOE A whole month? God, time flies.

BORIS Well put.

LEO Well, at least is she pretty?

BORIS She's won some beauty contests.

JOE, interested No. Tall? Short? Blonde? Describe her.

BORIS Well, she's blonde. Nice height. Nice eyes. Didn't quite realize how blue they were that first night. Her face is a little more symmetrical than I had originally conceived. She's not a ten. In a pinch, six.

LEO Good in bed?

BORIS How would I know? I just want her out.

0:22:48 BORIS APARTMENT. MELODY IS COOKING

TV, dialogue between a man and a woman - Can I ask you to dance with me? - It's too crowded. - I don't mean now. In a few minutes, the dance will be over and everyone will go home. - Well, the band will go home, too. - Why, there'll just be the two of us left, and we can imagine the music. We can pretend there's a big orchestra of violins and they're playing just for us as we dance.

BORIS, comes home You know, it's been proven television eats away the brain.

MELODY Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you!

BORIS What? What's all this?

MELODY I'm making you a special dinner.

BORIS Really? For me?

MELODY Yeah. And me, 'cause we're celebrating.

BORIS We are? What is it?

MELODY Crawfish! I found some at the market.

BORIS Jesus. It's stinking up the whole house!

MELODY No, they're so good. You'll love them.

BORIS Listen, Melody, seriously, we have to talk.

MELODY Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk over dinner. It's almost done.

BORIS Melody, you're a very nice young woman. Really, very nice. You have a lot of nice attributes, but, you know, you just can't continue to stay here ad infinitum.

MELODY Yeah, yeah, but that's my news. Guess what? I got a job! I can start paying you rent.

BORIS Rent? I don't want you to pay me rent! I want my life back. What kind of job?

MELODY I start tomorrow as a dog walker.

BORIS A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously... Melody, don't you think you should go back home and finish high school, maybe even go to college?

MELODY I thought the other night you were talking about how America has one of the worst education systems in the Old West.

BORIS No, no, the Western world.

MELODY Yeah, right, exactly, and how most colleges just turn out mindless zombie morons.

BORIS You could benefit from classes.

MELODY, hears ringing oven I think the crawfish are ready.

BORIS, pays attention to the tv What’s that song? Ah! They played that song the first time I went out with Jessica.

MELODY Where’d you go?

BORIS We went to a dance. We were both students at the University of Chicago. She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress. Boy, they really don't write them like they used to.

MELODY, cheerful Oh! That's a cliché.

BORIS, happy too Good, Melody. You caught it.

MELODY Well, you always get so mad when I do them.

BORIS Yeah, I shouldn't really. Sometimes a cliché is finally the best way to make one's point.

MELODY, hesitates Boris, what would you say if I was to say that I was developing a little crush on you?

BORIS, worried I'd say don't.

MELODY Why?

BORIS Because anything deeper, more significant between us, is out of the question.

MELODY Because why?

BORIS Because it's too preposterous to even dignity with an answer.

MELODY It is?

BORIS Every single thing is against it. Our ages, our backgrounds, our brains, our interests. Not to mention, I have no desire to have a relationship with a woman, any woman, nor any urge to make love, nor any desire to be anything but isolated from the world. And, you know, you're a beautiful girl who should be meeting normal healthy men and going out.

MELODY, sits close to Boris Yeah, but I don't like normal healthy men. I like you.

BORIS, embarrassed I... You're hallucinating! I'm sure you'll make some man very happy at a fish fry or a dog fight or however you people spend time.

MELODY You really think I'm beautiful?

BORIS I admit I didn't give you your full due at first, physically. However, as only a great mind can do, I've reassessed my position, and I… changed my mind.

MELODY So you could never think of marrying me?

BORIS Have you lost your mind? Why on Earth would you even fantasize about such a thing? What could I offer you, but a bad temper, hypochondriasis, morbid fixations, reclusive rages and misanthropy? And what could you offer me? A character out of Faulkner, not unlike Benjy. The answer to your question is no. I think you should stay here for a while, accumulate some money, and then find a place of your own, and move on with your life.

MELODY Well, what about your life?

BORIS Let me teach you something about love. Okay? Naturally, there are exceptions to what I'm going to say, but they're the exception, not the rule. Love, despite what they tell you, does not conquer all. Nor does it even usually last. In the end, the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to whatever works. Okay?

MELODY, smiles Why do I think your bark is worse than your bite?

BORIS Cliché, Melody.

MELODY Oh, I don't care! If the shoe fits, wear it, and that's another one.

BORIS, whispers to the viewers We need to talk for a minute. Can you believe this little inchworm setting her sights on me? Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments. Some dinners, some walks in the park. I gave her the benefit of my vast knowledge and experience. Tried to impart to her the perceptions and values of a truly original mentality. I only wish I could do a Pygmalion on her. But if Henry Higgins ever tried to transform Melody SaintAnne Celestine, he, too, would have jumped out the window.

0:28:48 MELODY WALKS SOME DOGS. PERRY WALKS HIS. THEY MEET AT A CORNER

MELODY Come on!

PERRY Oh, boy! New friends

MELODY I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. They like each other.

PERRY Yes, it's okay. I rather like dogs.

MELODY Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself. I just do this professionally. Sorry.

PERRY I never met a professional dog walker.

MELODY Really? It's not really the career that I want, but...

PERRY What do you want to do?

MELODY I'd like to work with children.

PERRY You're very pretty, you know that?

MELODY, troubled Shut up! Thank you.

PERRY Can I ask your name?

MELODY It's Melody. Melody SaintAnne Celestine.

PERRY What a beautiful name! Mine's Perry Singleton.

MELODY It's nice to meet you.

PERRY Yes, nice to meet you. May I walk along with you?

MELODY I don't see why not, you know, since we're all doomed anyway.

PERRY Pardon me?

MELODY Well, you know, everything ends.

PERRY I don't think I follow.

MELODY Well, you know, it's like the cosmos, or eternity. Whichever's bigger. I just know that we're all flying apart.

0:30:03 BORIS AND A CHESS APPRENTICE

BORIS What is that? What is that? Is that a move?

GIRL Well, I thought your bishop was...

BORIS My bishop what? What? You patzer, you earthworm! How many times do I have to tell you? You don't take that pawn. That's called the poisoned pawn, because look! Look what happens!

GIRL Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.

BORIS Yeah, you're sorry, you're sorry. Use your head next time, you won't be sorry!

MELODY Boris...

BORIS Yeah. Do your homework next week. Don't waste my time.

MELODY Hey!

BORIS, points the pawn Poisoned!

MELODY I got offwork early today and I thought maybe we could walk home together. Maybe I can make black-eyed peas and crab cakes for dinner.

BORIS No, I'm not hungry.

MELODY What's the matter?

BORIS My ulcer's been killing me all day.

MELODY I thought you didn't have an ulcer.

BORIS No, I said they can't find an ulcer, not that I don't have one. Those malpractice medical mental midgets. They drop that endoscope down my throat and probe me like coal miners, and they always come up with nothing!

MELODY, cheerful Well, guess what happened today? I got to talking to this boy on the job, and he asked me out on a date.

BORIS, worried Really?

MELODY I could tell he liked me right off and we went and had coffee and just had, you know, funny banter. You know what banter is, it's like flirty talk.

BORIS Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with banter.

MELODY Yeah, so, anyway, he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said, "Not really." He said, "I'll pick you up Friday at 8:00." What do you think?

BORIS, without enthusiasm Great. I just hope he's not a Ted Bundy, you know.

MELODY A who?

BORIS You have to keep an eye out for serial killers.

MELODY, laughs He's not a serial killer. At least he didn't mention it.

BORIS Yeah, well, you have to be careful. Sometimes they put you in the trunk of a car and you can't breathe. I'm not... I'm serious.

MELODY I told him your theory about capital punishment.

BORIS What did you say?

MELODY That it should include people that don't pick up after their dogs, people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk, people who call mothers "moms" and... I can't remember them all, you have so many.

0:31:56 BORIS APARTMENT. MELODY, BORIS, PERRY

MELODY How do I look?

BORIS, doesn’t look at her Subnormal.

MELODY Why? What's wrong?

BORIS That's an awfully aggressive ensemble. You looking to wind up in an abortion clinic?

MELODY I want to look nice. Just kind of give him an idea of what he might be in for if he plays his cards right.

BORIS Oh, yeah? What's he in for?

MELODY All the stuff with a woman that you reject, because you're a genius and you're above it all. But I happen to be pretty sharp, too, and I have a natural talent in the field of fooling around.

BORIS, feigns indifference but he’s clearly upset Yeah, well, I just hope you're saving your money so you can move out quickly, you know, now that you're working.

MELODY Hi, Perry!

PERRY Hey. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the train.

MELODY No, it's fine. Come on in. [To Boris] This is Perry.

PERRY Hi. Your daughter is very lovely, Mr. Celestine.

BORIS I'm not her father.

PERRY Grandfather?

MELODY Perry, I told you I was staying with a friend.

BORIS So what do you do, Perry?

MELODY He's studying. Investments and investing things.

BORIS You got any identification?

PERRY Pardon me?

BORIS You know, driver's license, birth certificate.

PERRY, surprised No, sir. I never carry around my birth certificate. Why would I?

BORIS, to Melody in a whisper Be careful, Bundy sometimes posed as a banker.

MELODY, upset I'm just gonna go finish getting ready. I'll be right back.

PERRY, smiles Melody tells me you're a very brilliant man.

BORIS If an IQ of 200 is brilliant.

PERRY She explained to me your theory about life being meaningless.

BORIS Don't let it spoil your evening.

MELODY Okay, let's go, Perry.

PERRY Okay.

BORIS, seizes Melody Hey! Come here. Don't give him any information about me.

MELODY Like what?

BORIS You know, dates, credit card numbers, blood type, things like that.

MELODY, mocks Goodbye, Boris.

BORIS Oh, and hey, if I'm not here when you get back, don't worry.

MELODY Oh? Where are you going?

BORIS Out.

MELODY Thta’s fine. Okay.

BORIS Yeah, I have friends, too.

MELODY Okay. Yeah.

0:34:04 WEBSTER HALL. CONCERT OF ANAL SPHINCTER

PERRY, to a girl I even heard the opening's supposed to be good.

GIRL Yeah, they are. Have you seen them before?

MELODY No, no. This is my first concert in New York.

PERRY You didn't tell me that.

0:34:21 BORIS, LEO BROCKMAN, JOE. LEO APPARTAMENT

BORIS Get the hell out of here. In America, they have summer camps for everything. Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp...

JOE Tennis camp.

BORIS Tennis camp. Movie director camp! They should have a concentration camp. Two weeks mandatory for all kids growing up, so they would finally understand what the human race is capable of.

JOE Brilliant! Except who'd send their kid to a concentration camp?

BORIS A responsible parent who wants their child to grasp reality.

LEO All right, all right, all right, let's change the subject. Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died.

JOE Harry Lawson?

BORIS Yeah, I heard.

LEO Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday. What a great chemist.

JOE But he was a smoker.

BORIS A smoker. The minute a person dies, he's a smoker or overweight. Hey, I got news for you, thin non-smokers die, too. Okay? Abstinence isn't going to save you.

JOE You're pleasant tonight.

BORIS What are you talking about?

LEO Where's Melody tonight?

BORIS She's out listening to some eardrum-busting bilge posing as music.

JOE I thought you were going to kick her out.

BORIS Well, hopefully this guy tonight will take her off my hands. You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.

JOE Now she's pretty?

BORIS What? I'm just saying she's not atrocious-looking. That's all. I'd say a seven or eight.

0:35:38 BORIS APARTMENT

BORIS, enters Anybody here?

MELODY Oh, you're up!

BORIS, sour Yeah, I just got in.

MELODY And what did you do?

BORIS I went dancing at a Latin club. It was limbo night.

MELODY, laughs, slightly drunk Shut up! You were talking about people and politics and all that stuff you guys like to hate.

BORIS How was your date?

MELODY, disappointed It was a big washout!

BORIS Really?

MELODY Yeah.

BORIS This particular rock band wasn't any good? I don't know how you can differentiate?

MELODY No! No, the music was fine. Just that guy and his friends! I just...

BORIS What?

MELODY Well, his taste! He just... He likes everything. Life, love, human beings! And the couple that we double-dated with, they were just protons!

BORIS Protons?

MELODY Do I mean protons? Cretins! Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't know the first thing about string theory.

BORIS I think you're a little drunk.

MELODY I did have a few drinks. But can you blame me? Hanging out with those inchworms? I mean, they actually think that love is the answer to everything. I told them about Jethro Paige from back home. He got caught doing it with a sheep. Making love with a sheep. And they were all laughing and everything, but I just looked at them and said, "Folks, as Boris would say, whatever works". What are you looking at?

BORIS, stunned, radiant Unbelievable. The chance factor in life is mind-boggling. You entered the world by a random event somewhere along the Mississippi. I, having emerged through the conjoining of Sam and Yetta Yellnikoff in the Bronx, decades earlier. And through an astronomical concatenation of circumstances, our paths cross. Two runaways in the vast, black, unspeakably violent and indifferent universe.

0:39:26 BORIS AND MELODY. WEDDING MARCH. THEN, CHINATOWN

BORIS, to viewers Can you believe I married her? What possessed me? This search in life for something to give the illusion of meaning. To quell the panic. All right, so it's been a year. Three hundred and sixty-five days of married life. And you know what? Not the worst year of my life, either.

0:39:59 BORIS APARTMENT. BORIS AND MELODY LUNCH

BORIS What are these?

MELODY They're grits.

BORIS Seriously? They're actually disgusting.

0:40:11 STREET

BORIS, off She's cheerful, not demanding. Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but not as ambitious and predator, either. Jessica's problem was she made up in ego what she lacked in superego. But not Melody. She likes being a nanny. She's happy with other people's kids, so mercifully she doesn't bother me about having our own. Once a week we see a movie. Maybe she doesn't understand everything I take her to, but she tries and she's a good sport. She sits up nights with me when I have my panic attacks. She keeps me company at the emergency room when I'm convinced my mosquito bite is a melanoma.

BORIS, to viewers Yes, my life is circumscribed, but I manage to avoid stress. I've achieved a delicate balance. And as long as I can maintain it, I feel less inclined to ending it.

0:41:00 APARTMENT. MELODY, BORIS

Melody dances.

BORIS Oh, no, no, no! Unacceptable!

MELODY, annoyed What?

BORIS Come on, this is not good.

MELODY I like music I can dance to!

BORIS I know, I know, but this is brutal. Here, you know what I want you to do? Put this on. Okay? And then when I come out, we'll discuss it.

MELODY All right, I'll try.

BORIS It's Beethoven's Fifth! Think of the music as fate knocking on the door. Maybe a little story will help you appreciate it.

MELODY Fate knocking on the door.

Overlapping the first notes somebody knocks at the door. Melody faces the visitor.

MELODY Mother?

MARIETTA Melody! Oh, it's you!

MELODY Oh, my God.

MARIETTA It's my baby! I finally found you, praise Jesus!

MELODY How did you find me?

MARIETTA Oh, my prayers were finally answered!

MELODY I can't... You're just the last person I expected to see.

MARIETTA Well, when you least expect it, fate has a way of knocking on your door.

MELODY Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag. What are you doing here?

MARIETTA Well, I was trying to find you, honey.

MELODY You did?

MARIETTA Oh, we searched and searched. The police looked for clues. Everything led to a dead end. How we worried. I developed crow's feet from the worrying. Now look here. I had a little work done.

MELODY Mother, I left you a letter. I told you I'd be all right.

MARIETTA, looks around Melody SaintAnne, I'd hardly call this all right!

MELODY Well, what's wrong with it?

MARIETTA What's wrong? What's happened to your senses? Everything's wrong. You're living like a sharecropper.

MELODY But it's clean as a whistle. I clean it myself every day.

MARIETTA You clean? You don't have a woman?

MELODY Boris can't really afford help.

MARIETTA Who?

MELODY Boris.

MARIETTA Who's Boris?

MELODY My husband.

MARIETTA What?

MELODY That's right, Mama, I got married. [She shows the wedding ring]

MARIETTA And he's taken you to live here?

MELODY No, no, I moved in with him.

MARIETTA I have to have a drink. I need to sit. I need an anesthetic.

MELODY Okay, okay, have a seat. We don't have any bourbon or nothing.

MARIETTA Just bring me the drink with the highest volume of alcohol you have.

MELODY You know, Mama, I'm kind of happy.

MARIETTA, ironic Kind of happy? You leave a loving home in Eden, run offwith some crazy kid, I'm guessing he's a rock musician who can't earn a respectable living, and you wind up in this decadent city, living in a rattrap.

MELODY This is exactly why I ran away.

MARIETTA Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea? Why did you forsake your loving home?

MELODY Because, Mama, you're... You're overbearing. That's it. You're overbearing and you fail to see the big picture.

MARIETTA What big picture are you talking about?

MELODY I don't know. All I know is that nothing moves faster than the speed of light, so you may as well relax.

MARIETTA, stunned I'm just gonna have a little moment of prayer.

MELODY, smiles Mama, you're still caught up in that Christian superstition?

BORIS, off screen Happy birthday to you...

MARIETTA What's that?

MELODY That's Boris.

MARIETTA It's his birthday?

MELODY No, he's just washing his hands.

BORIS, points Marietta Who's this?

MELODY Boris, this is my mother. Mother, my husband. [Marietta faints] Mama! Mama!

BORIS Walk her around, she's obviously a boozehound.

MELODY Mama, are you all right?

MARIETTA Did he drug you?

MELODY What!?

MARIETTA Are you on sodium pentothal?

MELODY No!

MARIETTA, mumbles That's what they do, the secular humanists.

BORIS It's uncanny. She's exactly the kind of moron you described.

MARIETTA You are not the gentleman I was expecting.

BORIS I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy if she married the guy who caught the biggest catfish in Plaquemines County.

MARIETTA I'd be happier if she married the catfish.

MELODY No, you see, Mama, Boris is a genius. Okay? He doesn't have a lot of patience for us inchworms.

BORIS We, we inchworms.

MELODY We.

MARIETTA Some genius.

BORIS I was almost nominated for a Nobel Prize.

MELODY That's right, Boris. And what was it for again? Best Picture?

MARIETTA I need more booze.

MELODY You know, you never said how you found me.

MARIETTA, starts crying Oh, Melody. I have a sad tale to tell you.

MELODY What happened, Mama?

MARIETTA Your father left me.

MELODY Ah!

MARIETTA Aren't you shocked?

MELODY No.

MARIETTA And with who, of all people?

MARIETTA AND MELODY My / Your best friend, Mandy.

MARIETTA How did you know?

MELODY, smiles Oh, Mama. It was as plain as the nose on your face. [To Boris] Cliché, sorry.

MARIETTA At first I thought he was acting peculiar, because things was going so bad for us, darling.

BORIS, caustic How often did you have intercourse?

MARIETTA Are you going to close that insulting mouth? Shhh! [To Melody] By bad, I mean he lost a lot of money in the stock market after you left and we were forced to sell the house.

MELODY, sadly You sold the house?

MARIETTA I'm sorry, yes. We took a beating, because we were so desperate. And then he lost his job, the company went out of business. And then we spent all our savings on medical bills, 'cause I came down with a case of the shingles! Oh, my God!

BORIS Christ, this is like Job. No locusts?

MARIETTA Darling, I turned to Jesus in a deeper way than I had ever done in my life. I prayed and I prayed, every day and every night, asking God to help me.

BORIS Let me guess what happened, your shingles got worse.

MARIETTA, a glass of whisky in one hand, a bible in the other I said, "Lord, just give me one sign that all my suffering is for a purpose". I said, "Please, God, just say something. Break your silence. I can't take any more misery!"

BORIS Nothing, right? And all that money you put in the tin box every Sunday.

0:47:45 STREET. MELODY, MARIETTA 0:48:03 TERRACE. BORIS, MELODY, MARIETTA, LEO

MARIETTA Abortion is murder, that's the long and short of it. That's how I feel. Well...

LEO Even if the woman is raped?

BORIS Why are you wasting your breath, Brockman? You're dealing with an aborigine.

MARIETTA You don't mind killing the unborn, but when some fiend has raped and murdered, you're against giving him that big old injection? Well, not me, Mr. Genius, and I don't care how many Academy Awards you've won.

BORIS I've never won an Academy Award and I've never played for the Yankees!

MARIETTA, mocking Where's the little girl's? Thank you.

BROCKMAN It's back there.

MARIETTA Thank you.

BROCKMAN You’re welcome.

BORIS Don't forget to sing The Star-Spangled Banner before you sit.

MARIETTA, asks for some help Excuse me.

RANDY Excuse me. I realize this is forward, but who's that beautiful young girl you're with?

MARIETTA May I ask why you want to know?

RANDY Well, because she's very beautiful. And I'm assuming she's your daughter?

MARIETTA, flattered What did you say your name was, darling?

RANDY Randy. Randy Lee James.

MARIETTA Randy Lee James.

RANDY Nice to meet you.

BORIS It's too good. I think they're putting mayonnaise in here.

BROCKMAN No, they can't put mayonnaise in hummus.

MARIETTA, comes back Hello. [To Brockman] Oh, thank you.

MELODY Who were you talking to?

MARIETTA I wasn't talking to anybody. Nobody… Listen, listen, I want to go someplace fun. Take me someplace fun! It's New York! Let's go.

MELODY Boris, where can I take her that's fun?

BORIS How about the Holocaust Museum?

BROCKMAN Oh, for God's sake, Boris.

MELODY Oh, the wax! The wax figures.

MARIETTA Yes, yes, let's go. Come on.

MELODY Let's do that.

MARIETTA It was so nice to meet you, Leo.

BROCKMAN You, too. Have a nice day.

MARIETTA, MELODY Bye. Bye, bye.

BORIS Bye. Have fun!

BROCKMAN You know, I have to say, even with a textbook right-wing mentality, your mother-in- law has beautifully shaped breasts.

BORIS You know, you're a man of learning, of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility. This is what you take away from the school-prayer hokum and "my country right or wrong"? Her bosom?

BROCKMAN It's not just her bosom. Her behind is also beautifully contoured.

BORIS Well, I'm sure you'll have no problem getting her into bed. She's vulnerable, she's stupid and she's been abandoned. Personally, I lose all erotic inclination when the woman's a member of the National Rifle Association.

BROCKMAN It's pear-shaped. Degas used to distinguish between an apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped. And I'm a big fruit eater.

0:50:19 WAX MUSEUM. MARIETTA, MELODY. GEORGE BUSH FIGURE

MARIETTA, excited Melody!

MELODY That's so weird. They're made out of real wax, too.

MARIETTA Oh, my God. Oh, hello. Oh, it's Billy. Billy... Billy Graham! Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the kind of man you should be married to, not that Communist who sings Happy Birthday every time he washes his hands

MELODY, annoyed How long are you staying, Mom?

MARIETTA, pleads Honey, I don't know where else to go. I have nothing to hold onto. Nothing! I have to have something. I mean, I'm never going to attract a man again, but you can. Yes.

MELODY I don't want to get in an argument.

MARIETTA Honey, I met a young man today who is perfect for you.

MELODY Mom!

MARIETTA Yes. Listen to me. He is talented, handsome, sweet, and he has the proper reverence for life and its higher purpose. [Behind her John XXIII]

MELODY What are you talking about?

MARIETTA Face it, Melody, Boris is not like a real husband. He's more of an outpatient and you're his keeper.

MELODY I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.

MARIETTA His name is Randy Lee James.

MELODY Who?

MARIETTA This delightful young actor. He fell in love with you at first sight. He did. He did.

MELODY, shows her wedding ring Mom, I'm married!

MARIETTA I refuse to recognize it. What are you doing with a gimpy chess bum who has to sleep with the light on? How'd he get that limp?

MELODY He jumped out the window and his suicide didn't work.

MARIETTA Well, you can't win them all. Now, listen, I have a good law yet who can get all of this annulled. All of it. Yes. Yes.

MELODY No, no, Mom, no, you're crazy!

MARIETTA, to Ronald Reagan Oh, hello.

0:51:44 BORIS APARTMENT. BORIS, MELODY, MARIETTA

BORIS Happy birthday, dear Boris...

Telephone rings.

MELODY Who could be calling at midnight?

BORIS Could be burglars, casing the place.

MARIETTA To steal what? Your Flomax?

MELODY Hello? Oh! Yeah, just a second.

MARIETTA It's for me?

MELODY Yes.

BORIS, scared Don't give away any information about me!

MARIETTA Hello? Oh, hello, Leo.

MELODY, to Boris It's Leo Brockman.

BORIS Brockman?

MARIETTA Really? Well, that sounds wonderful. Well, yeah, Sunday's fine. Yeah. At 3:00? Well, 3:00's perfect. Okay. Yeah. See you, darling.

BORIS "See you, darling"? "See you, darling"? Oh, God, poor Brockman!

MARIETTA Good night, y'all.

BORIS I'm going to say my prayers. I'm praying Brockman has herpes.

0:52:54 MOVIES. MARIETTA, BROCKMAN

MARIETTA That was so wonderful! I never in my life saw a movie in Japanese before.

BROCKMAN Did you like it?

MARIETTA Oh, yes! I've never seen a movie made by a foreigner. John, my husband, took me to see stupid movies, which was all there was.

0:53:00 APARTAMENTO DE BROCKMAN. MARIETTA Y BROCKMAN

MARIETTA, with a bottle of wine How do you say this? "Chateau" what?

BROCKMAN Meyney.

MARIETTA The what?

BROCKMAN Meyney.

MARIETTA, finishes the bottle Meyney? Ah! Yeah. It is so delicious.

BROCKMAN I'm glad you like it.

MARIETTA What do you do? What do you do, Leo?

BROCKMAN I teach philosophy at the university around the corner.

MARIETTA Tell me something. Is Boris really a genius?

BROCKMAN There was a time when he was a very fine physicist. Yeah, your daughter's very good for Boris. It's my theory that she keeps him going.

MARIETTA Would you like to see some pretty pictures of Melody? Oh, goodness!

BROCKMAN All right.

MARIETTA Look, here they are. Look at these. Right there, that's where she is Miss Natchez.

BROCKMAN Wow.

MARIETTA Look at her. And she was Miss Tupelo. Oh, God! Look how gorgeous she is! She's so beautiful. I love her! I love her!

BROCKMAN Very lovely.

MARIETTA I was so proud of her.

BROCKMAN These pictures are kind of interesting.

MARIETTA I know! She's just gorgeous! And she has this... She's just my little sweet pea.

BROCKMAN I mean the photos. Did you take them?

MARIETTA Oh, yes. Yes.

BROCKMAN And this?

MARIETTA Oh, that's our house. Well, it was. Is there more wine?

BROCKMAN Yeah. You took all these?

MARIETTA Yes, with my little old Kodak.

BROCKMAN These are outstanding. I mean, there's such a sense of texture and composition.

MARIETTA In these? No.

BROCKMAN No, I mean it. I know what I'm talking about. I occasionally write about the aesthetics of photography.

MARIETTA Oh, my God. I have to tell you something. Aside from Melody's career, there is nothing, nothing in the whole world that gave me more pleasure than taking those snapshots. Of course, John... Cheers. John hated them and didn't want me to do it.

BROCKMAN Why?

MARIETTA Well, he actually was fine, and then I set up this darkroom and he thought I was, like, squandering all this time on silliness and I guess he had a point, but...

BROCKMAN I mean, nowadays, who uses a Kodak anymore?

MARIETTA It's a little Kodak, and I have to tell you something, it is... It is so simple to use. It's tiny! I picked it up at, like, a garage sale and it just is so much better than those big foreign ones.

BROCKMAN No, they're pretty good. They've got a real haunting quality. They're very primitive. I really think you should talk to my friend Al Morgenstern. He runs a photography gallery.

MARIETTA Why?

BROCKMAN Have you got more of these?

MARIETTA Oh, Lord, yes. You know, all my travels with the pageants. I have the kids and the towns and the winners. And the losers! The losers are the best. And then I have all these show folk, the twirlers, the magicians, the fire eaters, you know, things like that.

BROCKMAN They're amazing. They've got such an original quality. I'll talk to Al first thing in the morning.

MARIETTA Oh, no. You know, I think you're making too much over a little gift the good Lord Jesus gave me. [Puts a hand on her bosom]

BROCKMAN That's not the only gift He gave you.

0:55:57 BORIS

BORIS, to viewer You know those clean-cut, churchgoing young men, who are model kids, and good to their neighbors and quote the Bible, and never do a wrong thing, and then one day, for whatever reason, they grab a rifle, go to a tower and pick off everyone in town? Okay, this is her, but sexually. She slept with Leo Brockman, never having been to bed with anyone before but her husband, and suddenly, the genie was out of the bottle! She liked sleeping with Brockman, and she liked sleeping with Brockman's friends, Brockman's acquaintances, Brockman's acquaintances' acquaintances.

0:56:38 MARIETTA, BROCKMAN, MORGENSTERN

BORIS, off [Pictures gallery] Brockman took her photos to Morgenstern. He loved them. He decided to show them in his gallery. When he did, everyone thought they were great. A brilliant primitive. Soon Morgenstern would become smitten with her. [Marietta in bed between Brockman and Morgenstern] First she moved in with Brockman. Then she moved in with Morgenstern. Then she moved in with Brockman and Morgenstern. She started dabbling with collages. Small ones at first, but they would become bolder. [Marietta in a park] She started dressing differently. Soon all her deep-rooted beliefs went right down the toilet, where they belonged. [Opium den] She experimented with exotic pleasures. A new Marietta was born. [Marietta and Melody at a flea market] The one thing that remained constant, she hated her son-in- law.

MELODY Well, there's some pictures over there.

MARIETTA Oh, yes, maybe that. Okay.

MELODY What do you think, Mom?

MARIETTA I'm not sure, you know, it's for this collage, and I've had this vision in black and white of nude men, women, body parts, squares.

MELODY That sounds confusing.

MARIETTA Well, it's an homage to lust.

MELODY To lust!

MARIETTA Yeah. Yes, yes [She moves off and calls Randy]

RANDY, shows Melody two handkerchiefs Excuse me. Hi, I need a female opinion. Which of these two would a young woman prefer? I can't decide.

MELODY I don't know. They're both so beautiful. It depends. What type is she?

RANDY Well, she's quite young and very lovely-looking. Blonde hair. Blue eyes.

MELODY Yeah, but what's she like?

RANDY Well, okay. She's from the South, although she lives here in New York now.

MELODY Really?

RANDY Yeah. And she's a nanny. I mean, well, to tell you the truth, she's actually living with some man. I mean, they're married, although he's not the best she can do. And she thinks she loves him, but it's only because she mistakes his pessimistic despair for wisdom, believing he's a genius. I'd say she's more of a nurse to him than a wife, because he's much older than she is.

MELODY That sounds so familiar. I just can't... I can't put my finger on it. It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah.

RANDY It is?

MELODY Yes. I mean, not exactly, but I can't help but seeing some similarities. [Chooses one handkerchief] I'd say that one.

RANDY Okay. Here.

MELODY Here what?

RANDY It's for you.

MELODY For me?

RANDY Yes, I thought I'd buy you something lovely.

MELODY Oh, no, I can't accept a gift from a stranger.

RANDY Well, why not?

MELODY I'm married.

RANDY Yes, but it may not last forever.

MELODY Well, you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even Shakespeare or Michelangelo or Greek people. I mean, even as we're standing here talking right now, we're just flying apart at an unimaginable speed.

RANDY Gee, I never thought of it that way.

MELODY, troubled Yeah.

RANDY, gets very close to her Should we be holding each other so we don't fall?

MELODY Well, you have to hold onto whatever love you can in this cruel existence.

RANDY Speaking of love, I've been in love with you ever since that first moment I saw you, and met your mother at the Mogador Café many months ago.

MELODY, understands Oh, you're... You're... Did my mother...

RANDY Randy. Randy James.

MELODY, angry Oh, the actor! Of course. I can hear your accent now. Oh, my mother talks about you all the time, and she's always telling me I have to meet you and I'm saying, "Why? Why do I have to meet him?" "But he's so good-looking!" And, yeah, you are.

RANDY Thank you. I've moved to New York permanently now and I live in a houseboat with a friend of mine.

MELODY You live on a boat?

RANDY Yes, I do. I'm very romantic by nature, so I live on a boat and I read and think and play my flute...

MELODY Mom?

MARIETTA Oh, be still, Melody. There's nothing wrong with expanding your horizons. I certainly expanded mine.

MELODY, to Randy You know what? I'm really sorry, but... I think that my mother badly gave you the wrong impression, because I'm happily married.

MARIETTA No, no, no, no, no, no, she's not, Randy. She's nursemaid to a roach.

MELODY Goodbye, mother. Goodbye, Mr. James.

1:01:08 MELODY AND BORIS RIDES BICYCLES IN THE PARK

MELODY I told you you'd get the hang of it.

BORIS Okay, you know what? Let's just stop. Let's stop. Let's stop.

MELODY Stop?

BORIS Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.

MELODY Yeah?

BORIS Yeah. I need to sit for a minute… You know, I'm just doing it for the aerobics, anyway. Otherwise, it's moronic.

MELODY I think it's relaxing.

BORIS Relaxing? Are you kidding? It's too nerve-wracking. To mingle with all those sub- mentals on bicycles? It's like driving a car. Those hostile, belligerent morons all get driver's licenses. Of course, to have children, you don't need a license. No proof of anything. You need a license to fish. You need a license to be a barber. You need a license to sell hot dogs. You know, you read about these poor kids, beaten and starved, you wonder, why are these parents allowed to even have them?

MELODY, with a gesture of annoyance Okay, Boris, Boris. You know, sometimes I think you're so determined not to enjoy anything in life, just out of spite. You know, like a child who's throwing a tantrum, because he can't have his own way.

BORIS Wow! Listen to you! That's a reasonably wise insight for a simple-minded type like yourself. Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and delight me sometimes, you know that? I really don't know what I'd do without you, seriously. [Melody has in her hands the handkerchief that Randy gift her] What are you doing with that?

MELODY This? Nothing. I just got it at the flea market.

BORIS Who needs an antique handkerchief?

MELODY I thought it was pretty.

BORIS Yeah, but God knows throughout history who blew his nose in it.

1:02:38 BROCKMAN APARTMENT. BROCKMAN, MARIETTA, MORGENSTERN

BROCKMAN Marietta? Honey?

MARIETTA Yes, darling?

BROCKMAN I think you should include these photos at your opening next week.

MARIETTA I love those photos. Al, what do you think?

Telephone rings.

MORGENSTERN I chose those.

MARIETTA Oh, you did?

MORGENSTERN Absolutely fantastic.

BROCKMAN Sweetheart, you've managed to make...

MARIETTA Thank you.

BROCKMAN ... an existential statement about sexual perversity and human freedom. It's so full of erotic imagination.

MARIETTA Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!

MORGENSTERN, brings the telephone Marietta...

MARIETTA Okay, hold on a sec. Who is it?

MORGENSTERN Somebody named Randy Jones?

MARIETTA Oh, Randy, Randy James. Hello? Hello? Hey! Young man, hello, hello! Listen, she's going to be at Uniqlo at around 3:00. You can run into her and try your luck. You know, she saved the handkerchief you gave her, so it's not a hopeless cause. And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind her eyes. Fire. Yeah. Good luck, darling.

BROCKMAN Who was that?

MARIETTA Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo! Let's go.

BROCKMAN Who'd have ever thought that gumbo would become my favorite dinner?

MORGENSTERN All this and she cooks, too.

They both caresses Marietta.

1:03:33 UNIQLO. MELODY, RANDY

RANDY Oh, my God! Hello.

MELODY So I guess you just happened to be shopping here. Right?

RANDY Well, I was buying this shirt, if you must know. You like it?

MELODY It's okay.

RANDY Just okay? I thought it'd make me look dashing.

MELODY Looks aren't your problem.

RANDY Oh, no? What is?

MELODY You're too forward.

RANDY I think about you a lot.

MELODY Well, I don't think about you.

RANDY So what's it like being married to a genius?

MELODY Who wants to know?

RANDY I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a boor, I just... Just that, well, you know.

MELODY It has its pluses and minuses.

RANDY Yes? And what are the drawbacks?

MELODY I don't know. I mean... Well, naturally, with a very advanced mind, you find a lot of things wrong with everything and, mainly, he just doesn't like people. You know, he says at the rate they're going, they're going to make themselves extinct.

RANDY Right.

MELODY It can just be exhausting being around a genius all the time.

RANDY So what are the pluses of being the wife of such a dazzling mind?

MELODY Well, he's smart.

RANDY You said that.

MELODY He's clever.

RANDY Aha.

MELODY He really means well, you know? He's just a little crazy. I guess the good part is that I'm the wife of a genius, which I never really thought I could swing.

RANDY Why not?

MELODY I guess I thought I'd have to be smarter.

RANDY You want to see my boat? I mean, my friend's boat, where I live?

MELODY I don't think that's a good idea.

RANDY I dreamt about you last night. I...

MELODY Don't use that line. Because Boris said that he dreamt about me last night. And I really doubt it's mathematically possible for me to be in two dreams at one time.

1:05:24 DOCK. MELODY, RANDY

RANDY It's down there, on the right-hand side. [Inside the boat] Well, this is it. It's not much, but it's home and I don't pay rent, so...

MELODY This is kind of sweet, living on the water.

RANDY It rocks just the tiniest bit, so I sleep like a baby on it.

MELODY, nervous Randy, I don't know what I'm doing here! I'm married!

RANDY That doesn't mean I can't have feelings for you.

MELODY You don't really know me.

RANDY Yes, but I'm a romantic and I believe in love at first sight.

MELODY Well, that's true. You know, Boris says that love isn't logical.

RANDY And I adore the way you talk and the funny things you say.

MELODY, getting more nervous Where can it lead?

RANDY Let's drink to love at first sight.

MELODY I can't. When I drink, I get very silly and touchy and...

RANDY That's what your mum said. That's why I bought the bottle. She's quite a mum.

MELODY Don't use that locution. It's for inchworms.

RANDY Sorry.

MELODY Is that you in the picture?

RANDY Yeah. That's me in Juno and the Paycock

MELODY I bet you're a really good actor.

RANDY I try. Although I'll never be a genius.

MELODY You certainly are handsome enough to be a star.

RANDY Thank you. I'll cherish that compliment.

Randy leans over Melody and kisses her.

MELODY, alter recovering from the shock Oh, my God.

RANDY What are you thinking?

MELODY Entropy.

RANDY Entropy?

MELODY Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it. It's why you can't get the toothpaste back in the tube.

RANDY You mean, once something happens, it's difficult to put it back the way it was?

MELODY I mean, Boris says love is all about luck. I think so, too, but isn't that just because we're young and we think we're going to live forever and then we grow old and get diabetes, and...

RANDY Maybe. Look, I do agree there's not much you can be sure of in this world, but...

MELODY Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?

RANDY I've heard of it, yeah.

MELODY You know, the observer influences the experiment? It's just like when my mother makes love to one of the guys she's living with a certain way when they're alone, but when she's in front of the other guy, she does it differently.

RANDY Is that Heisenberg? I had no idea he was so sexual.

He kisses her again.

MELODY Wait. I always carry some Viagra with me.

RANDY That's all right. I eat a lot of red meat.

1:08:07 BORIS APARTMENT. MELODY, BORIS, JOHN Melody is sitting on the stairs tremendously distressed.

BORIS, goes downstairs I really like the way these pants fit. Hey, are you okay? You seem awfully quiet lately.

MELODY Yeah. We're going to be late for mom's gallery opening.

BORIS I hope you're not coming down with anything. You know, Brodsky's kid's got the measles. Can you still get the measles? I had a shot when I was younger, but how long does it last?

Somebody knocks at the door.

BORIS Who's that?

MELODY I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone. [She opens]

JOHN Melody!

MELODY Daddy?

JOHN Oh, my little girl, I found you! Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched and searched, but then we ran out of leads. I used every connection I had at the police force. We even called the FBl! But you're okay. Things are going to be fine now. Your ordeal is over.

MELODY What ordeal?

JOHN You were abducted! Tell me if my theory is correct. You were chloroformed by polygamous Mormons. They took you off to be someone's bride!

MELODY I was not abducted. Didn't anybody read my letters?

JOHN Yeah, but I assumed you were forced to write them at gunpoint. [Sees Boris] Who's this?

BORIS Who are you?

MELODY This is Boris, my husband.

JOHN Boris, your who?

MELODY He's my husband. I'm Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff.

JOHN, to Boris Who are you?

BORIS I'm her husband. You want to pass out here or go in the living room?

JOHN Where's your mother?

MELODY What do you care? You cheated on her and then dumped her for Mandy Blackburn, of all people!

JOHN I made a terrible mistake, I committed the sin of self-indulgence. I've come to beg your mother's forgiveness.

MELODY You might want to rethink that, Daddy.

JOHN I want to see her.

BORIS, sarcastic I see death by culture shock.

JOHN You can tell me, Melody, she has every right to hate me.

BORIS And she does, believe me.

JOHN I can handle the truth. Does she hate me?

MELODY Well, it was a pretty awful thing you did with her best friend.

JOHN Then she hates me?

BORIS Yes, yes, she hates you! I can't stand this. I hate you and I just met you!

JOHN Lord, you tell me this creature took you to bed?

BORIS No, no, no, no. Actually, she took me.

MELODY Yeah, when I met Boris, he hated sex.

BORIS Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine. The absurd choreography, like a sewing machine, up and down, up and down, up and down, toward what end? Making more children?

JOHN What the hell are you talking about?

BORIS Reproducing the species over and over. Toward what goal? Carrying out what moronic design?

MELODY, to John What happened to Mandy?

JOHN It was a mess, a nightmare. [He kneels, closes his eyes and prays] Lord, I've sinned! Please forgive me.

BORIS, to Melody Why do all the religious psychotics wind up praying at my doorstep? Can you tell me?

JOHN Lord, in Your infinite mercy, I've done wrong.

MELODY, to Boris You want to tell him, or should I?

JOHN Tell me what?

MELODY Daddy, there's nobody out there! Honest. You're praying to no one. You're wasting your breath, just like you're gonna be wasting it on mom.

JOHN, stands up What? You're telling me she met another man?

BORIS Not just a man.

JOHN What?

MELODY Daddy, you couldn't expect her to not, you know, move on with her life and, you know...

JOHN Oh, Lord. What's he like?

BORIS He's got four arms and two noses.

JOHN, recovers energy You better butt out, stranger! Melody will tell you I don't need my shotgun to be a whole passel of trouble. Now, I want to see Marietta!

1:11:12 TAXI. MELODY, BORIS, JOHN Game looks. They arrive to the gallery.

MELODY Now, Dad, try to remember you haven't seen Mom in a year.

JOHN A year is not forever. How much can a person change?

BORIS And with that, they entered the gallery.

1:11:48. GALLERY. JOHN, MELODY, BORIS All photos show naked bodies.

MARIETTA, with Morgenstern and some friends I had more people than I knew what to do with. Everybody said, "I'll be naked with you, Marietta!" And I was like, "Okay". [Sees John] Oh, my God.

JOHN Marietta?

MARIETTA John Celestine! Look what the cat dragged in.

JOHN, gets glasses to better see his wife Marietta, what happened to you?

MARIETTA Oh, my God! Well, darling, it's you that absconded.

MELODY He showed up at the door today.

JOHN Whoa, whoa. "Absconded"?

MARIETTA Yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore who called herself my best friend. [To Morgenstern and the others] Darling, I'll be... I'll find you. Excuse me. Pardon me.

JOHN It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were a terrible mistake. I've come back for you.

MARIETTA Well, honey, I'm in the middle of my opening.

MELODY Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's exhibition. Isn't it great?

JOHN, astonished Exhibition of what?

MELODY Well, the collages.

JOHN What? She's thinking of buying this pornography?

BORIS I got news for you, she's the pornographer.

JOHN Marietta, who are you?

MARIETTA John, you never understood me, honey. Your vision never extended beyond the backyard. You always had your gun clubs and your fishing trips and football. You never took a little minute to find out about me.

JOHN And you were always too busy putting her in pageants and coaching her speeches and teaching her baton twirling!

MARIETTA Yes, yes, that's true. I was sublimating my own creative needs and forcing them on our daughter.

JOHN You were what?

MELODY Yes, she was sublimating.

BORIS Sublimating.

MARIETTA Honey, why don't you go on back to Mandy Blackburn? Her pygmy mentality is much closer to you now. Much closer.

JOHN Yeah. Well, I can't go back to her.

MARIETTA Oh, why not?

JOHN She cast aspersions on my manhood.

MARIETTA, mocking ¡Oh!

BORIS What are we talking? Size? Duration? Erectile dysfunction?

JOHN Would you mind your own business? Marietta, how could you forsake your own family? I want us all back home to start over.

MARIETTA I'm a different woman, John.

JOHN I can't believe what I'm seeing. I mean... Your clothes are different, your speech is a little more affected, but deep down, I know you're the same pretty, small-town, God- fearing, churchgoing, pie-baking...

MARIETTA I'm living with two guys.

JOHN ... girl Scout mom. You're what?

MARIETTA I'm an artist. I don't bake pies. I don't go to church. I do collages, sculpture, photography. I live in Manhattan with two men who I love in a very happy ménage à trois.

JOHN A what?

MARIETTA We all sleep together. A ménage à trois.

JOHN I knew we should never trust the goddamn French.

1:14:09 STREET. BORIS, MELODY

BORIS It's amazing, Melody. Thousands of years ago, ancient peoples, Egyptians, Romans, Mayans, were walking home, just like us, discussing where should they eat or making small talk. "Hey, we just bought a great house on the Nile with a yard overlooking the Pharaoh's new pyramid"...

MELODY, worried Boris...

BORIS Or, "My physician says peacock tongues are bad for your heart"...

MELODY, impacient Boris...

BORIS Or, "I'm worried I can't get my kid into a really good Aztec preschool". What the hell does it all mean now? Zilch. But they thought it was important.

MELODY Boris, can I talk to you for a minute?

BORIS, doesn’t hear And I was raised in a religious home. Job's wife was my favorite character in the Bible, because she chose death rather than obsequious acceptance, like that masochist she married.

1:14:55 MELODY AND BORIS FRONT OF A TERRACE

MELODY Boris, Boris, can we sit down for a second?

BORIS Well, but we have to go home.

MELODY I know, but come here. I have to say something.

BORIS But we always go home now.

MELODY, pulls his sleeve I know. I know. I know we have a standard routine.

BORIS I need to have my drink, and a shower. And, you know, you see it as routine, but for me the consistency helps keep me from becoming unnerved.

MELODY I know you require a certain ritual.

BORIS And then after the shower, our dinner, but not crawfish pie again. I got indigestion from it last time. I thought I had thyroid cancer.

MELODY, near to tears Boris, I met someone else. I've fallen in love.

BORIS And then some Beethoven, maybe some Schubert for a change, but, you know... You met someone else?

MELODY I'm not saying I don't have very deep feelings for you. I do.

BORIS You met someone else?

MELODY Yes.

BORIS And you want us to live in a threesome, like your mother?

MELODY Boris, when you found me, I was very young.

BORIS You're still very young.

MELODY Yes, but I've grown. I've grown so much. And mainly because of you.

BORIS, hurt Yes, it's true. I have been very patient with your phenomenal ignorance.

MELODY You can always count on me for anything. I just... I guess I'm at a very impressionable age, and I... I can't think of a way to say this well.

BORIS You don't have to say it well.

MELODY I want to!

BORIS I completely understand. I do. This does not run counter to my convictions that love relationships are almost invariably transient.

MELODY I don't really think that's true if they're right.

BORIS Really? You have your own ideas?

MELODY Just a couple. You know, they're not very deep, but... As cruel as life is, I miss participating in the world. And I even miss people, even the inchworms and the cretins, because I don't really think they're bad, I think they're just scared.

BORIS I think you're making the correct decision.

MELODY, moved Boris!

BORIS I mean it. I'm a profound and sensitive soul with an enormous grasp of the human condition. It was inevitable you would eventually grow tired of being so grossly overmatched. Greatness isn't easy to live with, even by someone of normal intelligence.

MELODY You're upset. I don't expect you to understand. How could you?

BORIS, dejected Believe me, if I can understand quantum mechanics, I can certainly comprehend the thought process of a sub-mental baton twirler.

MELODY, pleading Boris!

BORIS It's okay. I knew this day would come. I really did. The universe is winding down. Why shouldn't we?

1:18:18 PUB. JOHN, HOWARD

JOHN, drinks two glasses Again!

HOWARD, from a table I'll have another, too.

JOHN, turns to Howard She left me. Can you believe it? What am I talking about? I left her. She's alone. Now, no matter which way she turns in bed, she's got a husband.

HOWARD My wife left me, too.

JOHN I'm sure she was beautiful, just like my wife.

HOWARD Norman? Norman was gorgeous. He was the greatest runway model Versace ever had.

JOHN I thought you said your wife.

HOWARD We were married in Holland.

JOHN You married a guy?

HOWARD What else?

JOHN But that would make you...

HOWARD What? A widow? Norman didn't die.

JOHN Not a widow, a...

HOWARD Gay?

JOHN A member of the...

HOWARD Of what?

JOHN The homosexual persuasion.

HOWARD, smiles My God. You make it sound like a religion. Yes. lf it's a religion, you could call me devout. A fanatic.

JOHN But that's a sin against God's law.

HOWARD God is gay.

JOHN He can't be. He made the whole universe perfect. The oceans, the skies, the beautiful flowers, the trees everywhere.

HOWARD That's right. He's a decorator.

JOHN But what do you miss about him? I still don't get it.

HOWARD Everything. His face. His kindness, his sense of humor. Our mutual passion. The way we'd dance and he'd dip me back and kiss me...

JOHN Jesus. Why did he leave you? She leave you. Norman.

HOWARD He wants to live in Paris, and I can't leave my sick mother.

JOHN Is your mother... a woman?

HOWARD She used to look like Marlene Dietrich.

JOHN What's the difference? They all hurt you in the end, every woman, whether they're male or female.

HOWARD Why did yours leave you?

JOHN I left her for her best friend, but it didn't work out.

HOWARD Why not?

JOHN Can I be perfectly frank with you?

HOWARD I don't shock easily.

JOHN I couldn't make love to her.

HOWARD Why not?

JOHN It was fine at first, but then I lost interest. I wanted Marietta back. Which is funny, because in the last years, I really didn't have a lot of sexual interest in Marietta.

HOWARD That happens with you heteros. We always have interest.

JOHN Christ, if I'm going to be honest, you know, I never, ever really had a burning sexual desire for Marietta.

HOWARD Why'd you marry her?

JOHN It was the thing to do. Everybody where I lived, you had a wife and children and... Can I really level with you?

HOWARD Of course.

JOHN John. John Celestine.

HOWARD, they shake hands Of course, John. I'm Howard Cummings, nee Kaminsky.

JOHN I married Marietta, because I was afraid.

HOWARD Of what?

JOHN The way I felt towards the tight end on the football team.

HOWARD No!

JOHN Every time he got in the line of scrimmage and bent over.

HOWARD Bartender, another round for my friend and me, please.

1:22:08 Marietta sleeping with Brockman and Morgenstern. Melody and Randy kissing in the dock. Boris washes his hands in his apartment. Suddenly, he crosses the room and jumps through the glass.

BORIS, off Can you believe I blew it twice?

01:22:54 SIDEWALK. BORIS FELL ON A WOMAN (HELENA)

BORIS I jumped out the window and landed on a woman walking her dog. She got hurt. I got off scot-free.

1:23:03 HOSPITAL. HELENA, BORIS

HELENA, in bed, arm and leg in plaster Don't you realize the consequences of your actions impact on other people?

BORIS Oh, come on. Seriously.

HELENA No. What if you had committed suicide? Think, think if you didn't exist, how the world would suddenly change in ways you can't imagine.

BORIS Oh, my God. You know what? You sound like that movie they ram down your throat every Christmas.

HELENA What?

BORIS What if the guardian angel had saved Jimmy Stewart, and Jimmy Stewart was the guy who smoked in bed, and he lived and caused a fire that killed 60 people? So? How about that? Everybody's life is still worth saving? Even if it's Christmas? Come on, seriously.

HELENA You must have a very dim view of the human race.

BORIS Oh, the human race. They've had to install automatic toilets in public restrooms, because people can't be entrusted to flush a toilet. Come on, flushing a toilet! They can't even flush a toilet!

HELENA Visiting time is over.

BORIS What? You're kicking me out?

HELENA Yeah.

BORIS Seriously?

HELENA Yeah. Absolutely.

BORIS All right, listen. Honestly, I'm really sorry about all this and is there anything I can do to make this up to you? Can I get you something? What can I do?

HELENA If I can ever walk again, you can buy me dinner.

BORIS What do you do, Helena?

HELENA Me? I'm a psychic.

BORIS, smiles I'm sorry. Really?

HELENA I was born with a very rare gift. I can see into the future.

BORIS If you can see into the future, how come you didn't know I was gonna jump out a building and land on top of you?

HELENA Maybe I did.

01:24:45 NEW YEAR LIGHTS. BORIS APARTMENT. BORIS AND FRIENDS

BORIS Happy new year to you.

JOHN We're so excited. Howard is selling the gym, but we're going to open up an antique shop in Chelsea. Yeah. Art deco. We're going to have a wonderful collection of movie posters.

BORIS Can you believe this cracker? This red state Neanderthal? This mindless zombie of the National Rifle Association?

JOHN My shrink says that the guns were all a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy.

BORIS Yeah, if it weren't for sexual inadequacy, the National Rifle Association would go broke. [To viewers] He's moved in with Howard Cummings, nee Kaminsky. And not only is he sleeping with a man, soon he'll be celebrating Purim. More important, for the first time in his adult life, he's happy.

JOHN, to Marietta who is sitting in a sofa with Brockman I should have known why I was failing you, Marietta, not fulfilling your womanly needs.

MARIETTA, takes Al hand and kisses Brockman Which turned out to be quite considerable.

JOHN Mine, too, but not with the sex I'd been raised to be attracted to.

MARIETTA You're like a changed man, John. Your whole personality is sunnier. If only it had been that way.

JOHN I couldn't when I was making love to you. I was a square peg in a round hole, you should pardon the metaphor.

BORIS, to Melody and Randy Well, I just hope you two lucked out and found the right person in each other.

RANDY, embraces Melody who sits on her knees I know I lucked out.

MELODY What about you, Boris?

BORIS As you would say in the crude fashion of your generation, I totally lucked out. It just shows what meaningless blind chance the universe is. Everybody schemes and dreams to meet the right person, and I jump out a window and land on her. And a psychic yet! I mean, come on, talk about the irrational heart, not to mention I've developed a fondness for grits.

MELODY I have a question, am I a member of my generation?

RANDY Yes. Don't worry. I'll explain it to you.

BROCKMAN Hey, hey, hold on! Hold on! The ball's about to drop! Come on! Ten! Nine! [all less Boris] Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy new year!

BORIS, to viewers as everybody hug and congratulate I happen to hate New year's celebrations. Everybody desperate to have fun. Trying to celebrate in some pathetic little way. Celebrate what? A step closer to the grave? That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace, whatever works. And don't kid yourself, it's by no means all up to your own human ingenuity. A bigger part of your existence is luck than you'd like to admit. Christ, you know the odds of your father's one sperm from the billions, finding the single egg that made you? Don't think about it, you'll have a panic attack.

MELODY Boris, what are you doing? Who you talking to?

BORIS What? There's people out there watching us.

MARIETTA They're out there?

BORIS Yeah, yeah, they're watching. What?

VARIOS Please, Boris...

BORIS You know... Well, there was when we started. I don't know how many are left.

MELODY Does anybody see anybody out there?

MANY Out there? No!

BORIS, to viewers See? I'm the only one who sees the whole picture. That's what they mean by genius.

He joins the group.

SOMEONE Come on. Happy new year, Boris.

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