Sir Thomas Dreams…

In this series of ten mini-soundscape monologues, we meet Sir Thomas Urquhart, eccentric genius, laird of Cromarty and owner of the castle which preceded Cromarty House. Imprisoned in 1650 after he supported King Charles I at the disastrous Battle of Worcester, Sir Thomas now sits far away in London, thinking back to his thwarted ambitions for ‘his little town of Cromarty’ from his bleak cell in Windsor Castle. A lifelong monarchist, he was eventually released from prison in 1652, allowed only a brief visit home to his beloved Cromarty before permanent exile. By 1655 he was living abroad and, probably to improve his chances of returning home, had accepted the patronage of Oliver Cromwell, writing government propaganda. Sir Thomas had the last laugh: although he never returned home, it is said that he died in Holland around 1660, in a fit of laughter on hearing of the restoration of the monarchy. These ten monologue recordings cover Sir Thomas’s main achievements and obsessions. Track 1: On Inverness Magistrates Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ ambition for Cromarty and how it was thwarted by the magistrates of Inverness I suspect from the slope of your shoulders and the narrowing of your eyes, Sir, that you may be one of those base magistrates from Inverness. Your intention has ever been to rob my little town of Cromarty of its liberties and privileges in trade, has it not? Had your ambition not triumphed, foul Invernessian, I should have installed here men exceeding rich and of various nations; shipmasters and merchant adventurers, all of whom had promised to sail to trade with Cromarty in their best vessels. Why, are not the harbour and bay of Cromarty equal to the very best in the world? Is their very capaciousness not sufficient to shelter tens of thousands of ships from the greatest of tempests? But for you and your inferior and ill-situated little town, Cromarty should have become the richest within three score miles. Begone and quit my sight, dishonourable wretch! I would turn my thoughts in captivity here to more pleasant matters than you, the burgesses of the dismal town of Inverness…

Track 2: On Idling and Industry Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ patrician views of ‘his’ native townsfolk and set out how he hoped to see them occupy their time What! An idler, here before me?! Idling is a base vice which I would, ere now, have banished from my little town of Cromarty, had my fortunes in life not dictated

Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 otherwise. Why, I should have found employment and instruction for thousands of my common natives here, from the smallest infant to those, like yourself, who are sunk into decrepitude. I would have erected manufacturies and brought hither the most skilful of craftsmen, with ready coin for whatever they could make to sell. I would have put idlers to work in digging for metals on my land, or in quarrying stone. I should have taught all such as you to become masters of farming: to till, to ditch, to hedge and to dung; to sow, to harrow, to grub, to reap, to thresh; to kill, to mill, to bake, to brew, to battle wild moorland into good pasture, to mow; to feed flocks, horses and cattle and put their excrescence to good use. I should have improved and installed grassland, dairies, hives for honey, orchards, as well as farming equipment: wains, carts and sleds and suchlike; which would have eased the toil of a weakling such as yourself. Alas, all my plans have come to naught upon my unjust sequestration in this great fortress of Windsor…

Track 3 – On Learning and Accomplishment Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ appreciation for learning Conversation with dull yet honest natives of Cromarty, such as yourself, have left me convinced of a need to civilise those who dwell in my country. By virtue of this, I once cherished here professors of all sciences, liberal disciplines, arts and mechanic trades; for choosing to fix their abode in Cromarty. Bodily accomplishment being equal to that of the mind, I invited men in the peak of fitness to demonstrate exercises whereof you yourself clearly stand in direst need: by now you should have learned to ride, to fence and to dance; the military arts such as mustering, embattling, handling the pike and musket, gunnery and fortification; noble pursuits such as vaulting, swimming, running, leaping, throwing the bar, playing of tennis, singing and fingering of all manner of musical instruments. Have you any such accomplishments? Can you hawk or hunt? Can you catch wild fowl, angle or shoot? No? Alas then, you must continue to languish in utter poverty. What fortunes might have been your own, what honours might have been bestowed upon you, had I, Sir Thomas Urquhart, your munificent Laird, not been sentenced to reside here, within my grim chamber at Windsor Castle…

Track 4: On London Bankers Aim: to demonstrate Sir Thomas’ loathing of Scots bankers in London I see you have that brutish visage that doth denote a banker. Are you then from London, perchance? There, for many years together, a group of Scottish moneychangers has sought to thwart my purposes. Why, you dull collybists; you cunquising clusterfists; you rapacious varlets! Now that you have feathered your own nests, must you hug all

Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 your wealth to yourselves? Not a single penny to spare for a virtuous, honourable, kindred compatriot: as though I, Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty, a wretched prisoner, first in the grim Tower of London, and lately in this great Castle at Windsor, were tainted with your own leprosy of wretched peevishness. Go now and fish for every tawdry penny you can catch in your own villainous nets! Away, away and quit my sight, foul joltheid!

Collybist is from the Greek for money-changer Cunquising (-qui- rhymes with why, pronounced coo-kwhy-zing) is all-conquering Clusterfists means a niggard or a close-fisted person Joltheid is a dolt, a thick-head

Track 5: On Master Gilbert Anderson, Minister of Religion Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas ongoing feud with a local minister Hmm. Do I spy a sourness about your lips? A meanness in your eyes? Are you perchance of the family of one Master Gilbert Anderson, from my little town of Cromarty? No? Tis fortunate for you, then: Master Anderson has so railed against me and my family from the pulpit that he is become more tripeseller’s wife than minister of religion. The cause of his scandalous and reproachful words? Why, but a slight and petty matter: that I would not authorise the standing of a certain pew, or desk, in the very church of which I am his patron and benefactor! He now so calumniates and reviles me, his Master, that his words seem like clusters of hemlock; or wormwood dipped in vinegar. He spews them out of his mouth in rude indigestive lumps; like so many toads and vipers that have burst their gall. If this ingrate, this disspiteful man should cross your path in Cromarty, take care that he does not squirt his poison of abominable falsehood into your own ear… for I can do nothing in the matter, trapped as I am here; within this dismal chamber, in the Castle at Windsor…

Track 6: On the Joys of Science and Mathematics Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ love of mathematics and learning Ah! You have a noble brow! Does a fellow lover of the art of mathematics now stand before me? Let me entertain you, but for a moment, with a relative tale from my little town of Cromarty. A good gentleman once stayed awhile at my house who wanted nothing more than to shoot some wildfowl. He took excessive pains in quest of his game and killed five

Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 or six moorfowls and partridges, which he brought back to my house. Some other ‘gentlemen’ had gathered therein. Men such as these are ever unable to praise one acquaintance without dispraising another. I soon found myself the butt of their coarse humour for not accompanying my guest and returning with an equally commendable bag. I answered them thus: that I was employed with a diversion of a most different nature; the investigation of optical secrets; the mysteries of natural philosophy; the reasons for diverse colours in nature. The finding out of longitude; the squaring of the circle; and ways to accomplish all the trigonometrical calculations by sines, without tangents, must surely (in the estimation of those as learned as yourselves) be accounted worth six hundred thousand partridges – and as many moorfowls? Alack, it is so cold in my dismal chamber, here in Windsor Castle. I find my thoughts often turn on such pleasant matters as mathematics, and my fair lands in distant Cromarty.

Track 7: On His Universal Language Aim: to demonstrate Sir Thomas’ ability with languages Though I have few callers, such as yourself, in my isolation here within the great Castle of Windsor, you can see from my scatter of papers and my pens that my time of sequestration is far from wasted. I have created the most exquisite Jewel – my universal language. It has eleven genders, seven moods, ten cases (besides the nominative) and twelve parts of speech. It is so compact a style that a single syllable will express the year, month, day, hour and partition of the hour; and every word may serve just as well used backwards, as forwards! I have sought to enlarge my own discourse with an inundation of excellence; and a choice variety of phrase which may overflow the field of your own humble understanding. I aim to adorn my speech with the most especial and chief flowers of the garden of rhetoric: where a point is obscure, I will elucidate; for sweetness of phrase, I will embellish with fine wit and epithet; for vehemence, why! I will use exclamation at the front and epiphonimas at the rear… but for now, Sir, your presence becomes a distraction. I find it expedient to stop the current flow of my words and dismiss you; with a simple ‘good day’.

Epiphonimas is an exclamation which summarises what has just been said [Ehp-uh-foe-knee-mas]

Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 Track 8: On his Love for Rabelais and Humour Aim: to illustrate Sir Thomas’ passion for wit and for Rabelais. Your fine paunch and ruby nose tell me, Sir, that you are a noble and illustrious drinker. I pray therefore that you will take up and read my translation of the first book of Rabelais; a work wrongly dismissed as naught but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse and recreative lies. In my dismal confinement here within the castle of Windsor, I have found that mirth and laughter have a value hitherto unremarked. Pray let me read from my introduction: ‘Good friends, my readers, who peruse this book, Be not offended, whilst on it you look: Denude yourselves of all depraved affection, For it contains no badness nor infection: Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth Of any value; but in point of mirth; Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind Consume; I could no apter subject find; One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span; Because to laugh is proper to the man.’

One day, perhaps, we shall all gather in Cromarty to rejoice at the news that the right and proper monarchy has been restored to the throne of our fair land? Until such time as this, I needs must comfort my solitude with my translating; of Rabelais…

TRACK 9: On Genealogy and Heraldry Aim: to enthuse visitors for Sir T’s own love of genealogy and heraldry and to use and explain one of his long Greek names for his work Why, Sir, you have the look of a gentleman who has travelled far. Have you perchance ventured hither in search of some ancient line of ancestry? Pray describe for me your own heraldic device? Silence? Ah weel, but another commoner, then… There is no more honourable pursuit in life, than genealogy and heraldry. Our Urquhart motto is ‘mean well, speak well and do well’, and thus I attempt daily, even here. The fine Urquhart blazon is surmounted by the heads of three fierce bears, to bring me courage in my present dismal sequestration. The tale of my great Pantochronocanon (which someone from stock as humble as your own might call my family lineage or tree) takes root from God the Father, who did, in time of nothing create’ red earth; of that red earth He framed Adam; and of Adam’s rib did He fashion him a wife. My forefathers are thus sprung from the very womb of Eve. I would to God that you had as certain a knowledge as I do myself of my genealogy, since the time of the Ark of Noah right down to this present age.

Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 Alas! My precious Pantochronocanon was almost lost; fallen as it was into the regardless fingers of promiscuous soldiery! After my capture at Worcester, a civil officer did tear into strips the paper thereof and give it unto a file of musketeers. Thus did he serve his amusement and the inexorable rage of fiery Vulcan, in affording them smoke to their pipes of tobacco. There are some that think me mad for this great work, when I am but most curious of intellect. I trust my fine Pantochronochanon shall persuade them, soon, to release me from this grim Chamber in the ancient Castle of Windsor. [sighs] I would fain see my little town of Cromarty once more… blazon is pronounced as in French – blah not blay Pantochronocanon is pronounced Pantokronokanon – short o not long oh

Track 10: On the Hunting of Witches Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ enlightened and modern views on witchcraft An unsmiling countenance such as your own, Sir, can oft denote a witchfinder. A questionable profession! In hands such as your own, a harmless tradition, such as the honouring of an antient well at a particular time of the year, can all too easily be twisted into an unjust accusation of witchcraft. No, you say? Then I am sadly mistook, in my confinement here at Windsor! Pray allow me to make amends with a tale of ‘witchcraft’. Once, in Cromarty, while acting as Sheriff for my father, a witchfinder brought before me two people and told me they had – entirely separately – ‘consorted with demons’. I could see that this pair’s mad admission of sin was like to lead them to a swift and fiery doom. Instead I spoke with them mildly and reasonably and gained their trust, then bid them spend a night at my castle, in separate chambers. Close to midnight, once I had seen them drink an aphrodisiac, I sent in a willing footboy and a fair chambermaid to dally with the sorry pair before they slept. Sure enough, in the morning the ‘foul spirits’ they described resembled none other than my footboy and my chambermaid: for in sleep, the imagination of two had multiplied into a fornication* of four. I saved their young lives thereby: and thereafter I can also assure you that all nocturnal visitations by demons ceased; for the woman did then marry my footboy; the man, my chambermaid…

* Taken from Sir Thomas’ writings verbatim!