Sir Thomas Dreams… In this series of ten mini-soundscape monologues, we meet Sir Thomas Urquhart, eccentric genius, laird of Cromarty and owner of the castle which preceded Cromarty House. Imprisoned in 1650 after he supported King Charles I at the disastrous Battle of Worcester, Sir Thomas now sits far away in London, thinking back to his thwarted ambitions for ‘his little town of Cromarty’ from his bleak cell in Windsor Castle. A lifelong monarchist, he was eventually released from prison in 1652, allowed only a brief visit home to his beloved Cromarty before permanent exile. By 1655 he was living abroad and, probably to improve his chances of returning home, had accepted the patronage of Oliver Cromwell, writing government propaganda. Sir Thomas had the last laugh: although he never returned home, it is said that he died in Holland around 1660, in a fit of laughter on hearing of the restoration of the monarchy. These ten monologue recordings cover Sir Thomas’s main achievements and obsessions. Track 1: On Inverness Magistrates Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ ambition for Cromarty and how it was thwarted by the magistrates of Inverness I suspect from the slope of your shoulders and the narrowing of your eyes, Sir, that you may be one of those base magistrates from Inverness. Your intention has ever been to rob my little town of Cromarty of its liberties and privileges in trade, has it not? Had your ambition not triumphed, foul Invernessian, I should have installed here men exceeding rich and of various nations; shipmasters and merchant adventurers, all of whom had promised to sail to trade with Cromarty in their best vessels. Why, are not the harbour and bay of Cromarty equal to the very best in the world? Is their very capaciousness not sufficient to shelter tens of thousands of ships from the greatest of tempests? But for you and your inferior and ill-situated little town, Cromarty should have become the richest within three score miles. Begone and quit my sight, dishonourable wretch! I would turn my thoughts in captivity here to more pleasant matters than you, the burgesses of the dismal town of Inverness… Track 2: On Idling and Industry Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ patrician views of ‘his’ native townsfolk and set out how he hoped to see them occupy their time What! An idler, here before me?! Idling is a base vice which I would, ere now, have banished from my little town of Cromarty, had my fortunes in life not dictated Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 otherwise. Why, I should have found employment and instruction for thousands of my common natives here, from the smallest infant to those, like yourself, who are sunk into decrepitude. I would have erected manufacturies and brought hither the most skilful of craftsmen, with ready coin for whatever they could make to sell. I would have put idlers to work in digging for metals on my land, or in quarrying stone. I should have taught all such as you to become masters of farming: to till, to ditch, to hedge and to dung; to sow, to harrow, to grub, to reap, to thresh; to kill, to mill, to bake, to brew, to battle wild moorland into good pasture, to mow; to feed flocks, horses and cattle and put their excrescence to good use. I should have improved and installed grassland, dairies, hives for honey, orchards, as well as farming equipment: wains, carts and sleds and suchlike; which would have eased the toil of a weakling such as yourself. Alas, all my plans have come to naught upon my unjust sequestration in this great fortress of Windsor… Track 3 – On Learning and Accomplishment Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ appreciation for learning Conversation with dull yet honest natives of Cromarty, such as yourself, have left me convinced of a need to civilise those who dwell in my country. By virtue of this, I once cherished here professors of all sciences, liberal disciplines, arts and mechanic trades; for choosing to fix their abode in Cromarty. Bodily accomplishment being equal to that of the mind, I invited men in the peak of fitness to demonstrate exercises whereof you yourself clearly stand in direst need: by now you should have learned to ride, to fence and to dance; the military arts such as mustering, embattling, handling the pike and musket, gunnery and fortification; noble pursuits such as vaulting, swimming, running, leaping, throwing the bar, playing of tennis, singing and fingering of all manner of musical instruments. Have you any such accomplishments? Can you hawk or hunt? Can you catch wild fowl, angle or shoot? No? Alas then, you must continue to languish in utter poverty. What fortunes might have been your own, what honours might have been bestowed upon you, had I, Sir Thomas Urquhart, your munificent Laird, not been sentenced to reside here, within my grim chamber at Windsor Castle… Track 4: On London Bankers Aim: to demonstrate Sir Thomas’ loathing of Scots bankers in London I see you have that brutish visage that doth denote a banker. Are you then from London, perchance? There, for many years together, a group of Scottish moneychangers has sought to thwart my purposes. Why, you dull collybists; you cunquising clusterfists; you rapacious varlets! Now that you have feathered your own nests, must you hug all Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 your wealth to yourselves? Not a single penny to spare for a virtuous, honourable, kindred compatriot: as though I, Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty, a wretched prisoner, first in the grim Tower of London, and lately in this great Castle at Windsor, were tainted with your own leprosy of wretched peevishness. Go now and fish for every tawdry penny you can catch in your own villainous nets! Away, away and quit my sight, foul joltheid! Collybist is from the Greek for money-changer Cunquising (-qui- rhymes with why, pronounced coo-kwhy-zing) is all-conquering Clusterfists means a niggard or a close-fisted person Joltheid is a dolt, a thick-head Track 5: On Master Gilbert Anderson, Minister of Religion Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas ongoing feud with a local minister Hmm. Do I spy a sourness about your lips? A meanness in your eyes? Are you perchance of the family of one Master Gilbert Anderson, from my little town of Cromarty? No? Tis fortunate for you, then: Master Anderson has so railed against me and my family from the pulpit that he is become more tripeseller’s wife than minister of religion. The cause of his scandalous and reproachful words? Why, but a slight and petty matter: that I would not authorise the standing of a certain pew, or desk, in the very church of which I am his patron and benefactor! He now so calumniates and reviles me, his Master, that his words seem like clusters of hemlock; or wormwood dipped in vinegar. He spews them out of his mouth in rude indigestive lumps; like so many toads and vipers that have burst their gall. If this ingrate, this disspiteful man should cross your path in Cromarty, take care that he does not squirt his poison of abominable falsehood into your own ear… for I can do nothing in the matter, trapped as I am here; within this dismal chamber, in the Castle at Windsor… Track 6: On the Joys of Science and Mathematics Aim: to communicate Sir Thomas’ love of mathematics and learning Ah! You have a noble brow! Does a fellow lover of the art of mathematics now stand before me? Let me entertain you, but for a moment, with a relative tale from my little town of Cromarty. A good gentleman once stayed awhile at my house who wanted nothing more than to shoot some wildfowl. He took excessive pains in quest of his game and killed five Learning Resources © Cromarty Courthouse/Vee Walker 2021 or six moorfowls and partridges, which he brought back to my house. Some other ‘gentlemen’ had gathered therein. Men such as these are ever unable to praise one acquaintance without dispraising another. I soon found myself the butt of their coarse humour for not accompanying my guest and returning with an equally commendable bag. I answered them thus: that I was employed with a diversion of a most different nature; the investigation of optical secrets; the mysteries of natural philosophy; the reasons for diverse colours in nature. The finding out of longitude; the squaring of the circle; and ways to accomplish all the trigonometrical calculations by sines, without tangents, must surely (in the estimation of those as learned as yourselves) be accounted worth six hundred thousand partridges – and as many moorfowls? Alack, it is so cold in my dismal chamber, here in Windsor Castle. I find my thoughts often turn on such pleasant matters as mathematics, and my fair lands in distant Cromarty. Track 7: On His Universal Language Aim: to demonstrate Sir Thomas’ ability with languages Though I have few callers, such as yourself, in my isolation here within the great Castle of Windsor, you can see from my scatter of papers and my pens that my time of sequestration is far from wasted. I have created the most exquisite Jewel – my universal language. It has eleven genders, seven moods, ten cases (besides the nominative) and twelve parts of speech. It is so compact a style that a single syllable will express the year, month, day, hour and partition of the hour; and every word may serve just as well used backwards, as forwards! I have sought to enlarge my own discourse with an inundation of excellence; and a choice variety of phrase which may overflow the field of your own humble understanding.