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"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." ~ John Kenneth Galbraith Darwin haunts The Vatican! Pope John Paul II afraid to sleep!
John P. Fibble encounters. throughout the Vatican com made the terrible mistake of try can't think of it anymore!" munity as events are escalating ing to relate human beings with Holy Correspondent "Sure, it began with the noises, ArchDeacon James Heffer was so it did." recalls father Seamus in their severity. Indeed, even in the apes. quick to deny all accounts of a some of the most hallowed and VATICAN CITY (SP) Patrick O Flaherty, a visiting "Imagine being confronted by supernatural being present in St bishop who found himself private parts of the building the newly resurrected phantasm Peter's or any of its environs, ew light has been shed awake one morning in the sights have been seen. For of a rather distraught scientist noting that he himself has seen recently on the reports Vatican guestrooms after what example, consider the following who's been dead for over one nothing at all unusual in the Nregarding Pope John was apparently one of the more statement from Guiseppe hundred years! I was shocked! Vatican Library. Heffer regularly Paul's recent termination of his successful wakes of his entire Alfonso Jones: But he was a visits the library late at night to visit to France and subsequent career. " But sure we all know "It was awful. pleasant use the pool table and make declaration in favor of the theo the Archbishop has a wooden There I was, enough ghost. paper airplanes out of the vari ry of evolution as outlined in leg and he likes to go-, that is, sweeping out We sat down ous Dead Sea Scrolls stored Charles he gets quite The Vatican and chatted there. Darwin's Origin : U ••:;..•• ::; efiergetic, don't Library, you about evolu of the Species. "Oh yeah, they're great. The you know, in know, minding tion over tea ones that don't crumple right' Inside sources "I don't believe it. God the small hours my own busi and biscuits, I off go way to the other side of here claim that hasn't mentioned any- there. So we ness, scraping mean, he was the courtyard when you throw shortly after paid it no gum off the English, after hing about this to me. them out the window. But any Pope John Paul mind. But then underside of all. way, on this particular night there was that II made his his He can't go changing tables and "He claims Guiseppe was just sitting there event with the torical state things now. We have a stuff, when this that shortly with this other see-through jan dancing cruci ment accepting shimmering after he died, itor. Nothing special, I didn't contract, you know!" fixes and the Darwin's theo bearded bloke he was pulled think much off it. I just went holy whisky. Ah ries, strange comes round aside by God over to the hot tub and made - Pope John Paul II sure but that events began to the corner and tormented myself a drink from the wet was a fine day, regularly occur warning of the Ghost of Charles Darwin. for one hun bar." so it was, so it at night inside ^ fall of the (Artist's conception) dred years for was" Father Seamus was unable Aides close to the Pope believe The Vatican. Before The Vatican church!" states questioning to comment further due to that his recent decision to sup had a chance to implement a Guiseppe the night janitor. the whole theory of creation. some small motor difficulty port the theory of Darwinian "Don't ask, don't tell" policy Apparently the spectre was Apparently, God really did just apparently incurred while test Evolution may ironically have with regards to the possible none other than Charles snap his fingers and create ing out the holy whisky aspect come in a desperate attempt to source of the disturbances, sev Darwin himself, come back as a Adam and Eve. Imagine having of the last haunting, but the keep the ghost at bay. eral janitorial staff and a few messenger from God to give to see The Sound of Musics damage was already done. low-ranking bishops came forth support to the miracle of cre twice an hour for... and oh, As of yet, no plans have been Rumour is spreading rife to the local press with stories of ation in repentance for having God, the roaches...no, I just made to remove the ghost. Is Jimmy Hoffa still alive? Maurice Spoonbender Agent Foxy Mildew of the FBI, Mildew later that afternoon, but who has been following the he was taking his medication Roving Correspondent Hoffa case now for several long and was therefore unavailable No one's willing to commit years from his basement office for comment. themselves for certain yet, but in the supplies building. As one other FBI agent noted, the Late Jimmy Hoffa Sr. may However, Mildew believes that even if the theory is true it may not be so late after all. Hoffa has since moved on, fear no longer be of help to us. ing discovery. Recent evidence has come to "The guy could just go any light which'suggests that Hoffa "No one knows for sure who where" he said. "I mean, all you may not be buried underneath might be helping him. The gov need is a fake Irish sounding Yankee Stadium as previously ernment of the United States of name like Heffer or Hoofer or supposed. He may instead have America has deliberately acted something. And there's boat escaped via connections with to obfuscate any attempts to loads of Irish leaving the coun the Irish mob to the east coast discover the truth, just as they try at any minute. Why only of Galway, possibly to begin a have continued to deny to the last week some drunken Irish career raising a new breed of public vital information regard priest was dragging a load of sheep. "These sheep are trained ing the existence of little green yobs over to Stodgy Pete's for to carry out the simplest of men from Mais. I swear it's true, cheap Roman wine. Or some commands. _ Kill is a particular and I'll prove it. I'll show you where like that, I forget." "Chance of heavy rain. Yeah, right." all." We tried to talk to Agent favourite", or so claims Special The search continues. i Rotting Mart's guide to pumpkins.
jake the Jack 'p lantern Charlie's got us surrounded! Calvin and Hobbes™ books, you're sick. INCOMING! INCOMING! and drinking hot drinks with Columnist in therapy 4. The only important excep I think walkytalky's should active ingredients, which brings tion to rule 3 is your roommates ell the time of probably be banned on us to... /significant other / parents, or Halloween rapidly Halloween. They allow for a 2. Take drugs. Lots of drugs. whoever it is you live with. In Wapproaches with the much more coordinated attack ome time around January, Not that kind (with any luck, this case, it is far more impor thought of midterms slowly on the pumpkins surrounding all my friends from back you're hallucinating from the tant that you be sick than it is receding back to the edges of you're central domicile. It Seast begin writing to com fever already). The brand name that you act sick. Why? Because hell from which they came. makes me very sad when men plain about the sixteen inches kind. This requires a little fore you want these people to feel Thank god for rotting pump bring three pairs of shoes to of snow, the fact that the tem sight; since a trip to Safeway™ very, very sorry for you. That kins and the goo that you pull school. (Am I the only one who perature hasn't been above -32 wouldn't be much fun right way, they'll do things like try out of them like you were some just lost Jake's train of thought? in nine days, and that they now, it's a good idea to have the ing to prevent you from going evil Med student slowly hack And I thought that trains couldn't can't go anywhere on account drugs in your medicine cabinet to school (which you "should ing open the putrid skull of swerve... -ed.) A certain treasurer of three of the sled dogs froze to (or better yet, within reach of really
The Pope Blair McDonald, Jake McKinlay, beneath the Chemistry strict deadline requirements John Hallett Kathryn Murray, Jason Robillo, Building. and should not exceed 700 ([email protected]) Matt Wiggin, Henry Wong, All views expressed are strictly words in length. All submis Warrick Yu sions must make the editor Cardinals those of the individual writers. Writing On The Inside Of The If you wish to take legal action chuckle at least thrice and have Mikey Boetzkes, Phil Ledwith, Pope's Blg-assed Hat against them, you should be your real name attached (legal Jeremy Thorp stuff) before being printed. The 432 will bless every reader warned that God is on our side. Vatican Propaganda iMachine and turn all your urinal water All rights reserved The 432 The 432 does not support Pope 1996 Jean-Paul IPs statement about College Printers, Vancouver, BC holy. It will also be the official publication of the Science Writers and columnists from all evolution. We don't believe in Worthless Souls Undergraduate Society. It is faculties are encouraged to sub creationism, either. In fact, we VOLUME TEN ISSUE FIVE Doug Beleznay, Jake Gray, think everything we know is 30 OKTOBER 1996 printed twice monthly from mit material to The 432. Henry Laman, Tracy our makeshift cathedral Submissions must meet the contained within a mink's MacKinnon, Ryan McCuaig, dream. 30 OKTOBER 1996 THE FOUR THIRTY Two )
Life as a low bud Okciy. So you've bought your get horror movie. 2£oz Sefence Bzzr Stein; Blair Stephen King and Alfred certainly has the prophecy abil MCDONALD Hitchcock known of the danger ity down pat. My life is nothing of these winged beasts? Then I but a series of Stephen King realized that a chickadee really movie adaptations, fueled by wasn't that much of a danger, my over-active imagination. Now let's use it. and the flock was probably think I'm living the plot of a I've often thought my over drawn to the bird feeder my oh cheap horror movie. You active imagination was due to a -so considerate neighbour fills Iknow the type: Bela Lugosi tumour, nestled snugly against with grain every morning. My starring, black and white only, my metellus pius, my cerebral heartbeat slowly returned to cheesy fake tombstones that get thingmajig, my brain-based The "Nothing Happens in normal. kicked over during the climactic something or other. I've got all fight scene between the tall, I guess I should blame my the signs of a giant, cancerous November" Bzzr Garden. blond, Swedish hero with the over-active imagination. I see tumour: a poor short term IQ of a warm loaf of bread and one of those leaf-eating com memory, over-active imagina the Enemy, some older, over bines being driven along Main tion, and a conclusive twitch weight broken down actor with Mall, and I wonder how far the that comes and goes without way too much face makeup. bone fragments would travel if warning. What was I talking November 15th, 4:32 pm I'm sitting at my desk one day someone was unlucky enough about? Oh yeah... This twitch last week, the wind gusting to fall in. I see a Plant Ops panel frightens people: it starts some SUB Partyroom noisily against the wind pane. van speeding across a busy where on the left side of my I'm trying to concentrate on my intersection, and wonder what face and ripples-downwards, Another fine event brought to you by the good essay, but the window isn't it would look like if the driver growing into magnitude, until folks at the Science Undergraduate Society. closed properly and the wind is was drunk, dead, whatever, and my left hand moves with a life whistling in the crack. So I lost control and plowed the van of its own. stand up and lean over the desk right through the middle of a crowd of Education students I don't know what it means. Is to tighten the window clasp... it a medical condition that I and a bird smacks into the win standing outside Scarfe. Good ol' Death and Destruction, eh? really should get a doctor to dow and grabs on the ledge look at with the most advanced Upcoming Lectures right below! It's fluttering I'm living a low-budget horror imaging equipment? Or is it my madly, pressing into the glass of film. My collection of plants ticket to fame, fortune and the Okt. 29 Dr. Sfeihbok: Neurraurgery the window and screaming this becomes a horde of man-eating silver screen? After all, Bela high-pitched wail that put my flora, slowly taking over my Lugosi's long since dead, and Nov. 5 Dr. Fritz: General Practice nerves on edge. I can see its room. This isn't too much of a there's an opening for the breast feathers, and the under stretch; peace lilies grow quick Enemy in those low-grade B Nov. 12 Dr. Livesly: Psychiatry; sides of its wings as it frantical ly, and the ones I've got are horror movies. ly tries to peck through the win rapidly extending leaves Nov. 21 Dr, Carter: Dean of dow, its beady little eyes alight towards the windows, trying to Admissions with some sort of: evil whisper block out the sun from the rest Despite what Blair maybe con ing. I could see its brethren sit of my room. Walking back from vinced of, the frightening similari Nov. 26 Dr. Pritchard: Oncology ting on the top of the streetlight a bzzr garden with a group of ties between his life and a low and Pediatrics across the road, dozens of them friends, becomes Night of the budget horror movie are almost clinging like bats, all chirping Living Dead, Part III, and the entirely due to the fact that his Dates to Remember wildly in some sort of satanic film doesn't stop rolling until over-active imagination is fueled chorus. late next day, after the hang by all that LSD we slipped in his Okt. 31 Ski Trip deposit due ($50). I fell back, convinced that this over has retreated. And driving bzzr last Friday. my dad's car across the Lions Nov. 2-3 Standard First Aid course was only the beginning of some Life is a journey. Enjoy the trip. with St. John Ambulance. avian directed campaign of hor Gate becomes a scene from Stephen King's Christine. He he. We're soooo evil. ror, the Dead Zone (Man, did Decl Ski Trip balance of $159,00 that movie suck. Sorry, just had to SometimesT think Stephen King -ed. due. T interject that here, -ed.) or The is a prophet of some kind, a har Birds come to life. How could binger of a future religion. He Jan. 10-12 Off to Big White!!! Philadelphia cream cheese. carefully that "You've got ta Kathryn Murray She knows the layout of our to convince her not to bake her grabbed a handful, fed it to make shure that ish strong kitchen pretty well so she start mix. Croak and was about to eat 432 house chef enough sho that ev'rybodish ed rummaging through the cup some of it herself when I got out hash a good time (hie). Want When we came back a couple boards and the fridge. Before of her hands. ix-year-olds make the shome?" long, she had quite an extensive of minutes later hatving decided world's most creative to let her cook the smegging Everything was more less O.K. I digress. Anyway, I was cook collection on the counter: Scooks. Having no sense of peanuts, raisins, jam, peanut thing, she was covered in white until the morning when I got food, recipes, baking or ingredi ing with my neighbour's daugh powder and her mix looked a woken up by a loud ribbit. A ter, Sophie. Now Sophie, like butter and milk. She also had ents, whatever they can lay orange juice, kool-aid, jello, lot drier and had some coloured very loud ribbit that sounded their hands on goes into the me, loves chocolate. Maybe bits in it. She proudly told us like Croak's. As I didn't find the that's why we get on so very cheerios, salami, cucumber, mixing bowl (you hope!). More "celeries" and cream cheese. I that she'd added some sprinkle frog on my pillow, I staggered to often than not it ends up on the well when I baby-sit her. She to make it look pretty. Six-year- the window and looked out and also has a pet bullfrog, Croak, tried to suggest that some counter, the floor, the chair or things go better together than olds. We scooped the mess onto saw Croak. All of Croak. Croak gets popped into their mouths that accompanies her every a tray and crossed our fingers who was now the size of a VW where. He hasn't, by some others but she reminded me and into their tummies. At least tiiat I had said that she could that it'd be O.K. Bug. Croak, who before my eyes they have the most important strange miracle, croaked yet but stuck out his tongue and gob he does have a very resounding "put in anyfink that I want into We were very, very wrong. part of cooking down pat. my cookies." She then tossed in bled up the nastiest cat in the "ribbit." After the fire department left Reminds me of a friend of a handful of "mackronies, for neighbourhood. I needed to make some choco we found out that the kitchen mine who loves making and nice big lumpies." After the initial cuffufle died late chip cookies for my sister's hadn't been burnt down but the mixing drinks. Last New Year's down and the tabloids went party and, as Sophie was over, I really didn't want to bake oven had indeed exploded. My Eve he was busy making up his away, life got more less back to she helped me to make the these cookies. The mix was all mother was furious and I was "magic" punch to aid the fes normal. Croak now lives in our cookies. I had all the "proper" over the table, her chair and the not looking forwaird to what tive celebrations. He started off backyard as Sophie's parents are ingredients on the table for the floor. Croak had hopped in and would be happening when with the 7-up and the Ginger afraid that Croak will hop away cookies: lots of spoons, a ton of out of the batter more times Sophie left us. Sophie was Ale, added the lemonade and with her. He is fun to ride chocolate and two big bowls— then I cared to point out and thrilled as the firemen had let then started adding the "other" though, arid Sophie comes by one for each of us. Now I gave almost didn't make it back out her try on their hats and had ingredients. I'm still not sure everyday to see her frog. I guess her a portion of the "real" again when he got hit on the climb on the truck. Croak had what ended up in the punch that everything did work out all dough and I told her that she head with a wooden spoon by survived his adventure in but I do remember that there right and I've got the cheapest, could add whatever she Sophie. I tried to delay baking Sophie's hands and was hop wasn't all that much punch left most environmentally friendly thought would taste nice to the all the other cookies but she ping happily in the puddles on when the other guests arrived. way to go to school. The dough. It proved to be a bit of a wouldn't be stopped. Then I the kitchen floor. The cookie The mixers also weren't terribly mix had morphed into a very Zoologists love looking at him sober. I was told very slowly and mistake. made my one fatal mistake - I left the kitchen to get my Mum strange substance. Sophie during the day. PAGE 4 * What the pumpkin didn't know.
about three feet longer than the it him? Eh?" off in the end. I told you this pumpkin head under your arm other, the one that was a curi "Er... looking nervously was character building. that you constantly stop and ous shade of near puke, the one around... No, no I don't think have quiet conversations with you so desperately wanted to The greatest supply of wood of the guy's supposed to be real, and refer to as "Gerald". lose but instead got to wear course came from trees, and if actually..." It was usually at this every single visit that miserable you wanted to get serious wood Okay, I'll come clean. The t's a little known fact over point that my friends and I crazy woman made to your from a tree you needed a Pumpkin didn't actually exist. here in Canada that the festi began to suspect that this old home because your mother chainsaw. Remember those I'm just trying hard to get Ival of Samhain coincides guy had really truly lost it and craaaaaazy village people? Here pumpkins in there somewhere, insisted it was "only polite"? closely with one of the defining might pull an axe at any sec We civilized English are spared they come again. Once we did because John told me I had to. moments in British history. A ond. Also, something behind that emotionally scarring n't have a chainsaw, but one of But Herb was just the sort of few hundred years ago, a certain him had by now started hum encounter because of our fasci the guys from the other school craaaazy tosser who would have Guido Ffoulkes decided that it ming ominously. So our conver nation with pyromania and named "Herb" was going shop done this, only his pumpkin would be a great idea to take sation became slightly tangen simulated violence. ping for one, and offered to let would have had a name like several hundred kegs of gun tial as we tried to extricate our us use the thing if we came "Crusher", it would have been powder and blow the Once you had adequately selves from an otherwise poten along. I swear this guy really attached to a broom handle, Westminster Parliament build dressed the guy in your father's tially unpleasant situation. exists, and as far as I know still and it would have had broken ings to kingdome come with best suit pants, socks, last year's "Ludes!! They're all on Ludes!" lives somewhere in Bradford. glass for teeth. After the chain- them. We all think that this was resurrected Reeboks, the afore We would cry, turning the Let me say at the outset that saw episode, we would build a such a great idea that, even mentioned sweater and your wheelbarrow about and careen Herb was about as crazy as an structure that would rival one though he failed, and even school tie ( and maybe a trilby ing off down the road. Later on epileptic flamingo on PCP. We of the great pyramids of Ramses though he and his friends were hat if you'd been to visit your that evening we would come turned up at the hardware store IV, toss the guy on top, pour all caught, hung, drawn and grandparents that weekend), back and let down the old guy's smelling like something the cat four or five litres of kerosene on finally quartered in that great you had the opportunity to tyres. Before I leave the subject wouldn't want to drag in. Never the ensemble, and let 'er rip. British tradition, we like to shamelessly solicit donations of the guy entirely, let me just go shopping' for a chainsaw And for one more night, the have a really big fire in his hon from all the crazy village people say a quick word about the with some guy wearing four dark scary places weren't so our every November 5th. that you foolishly referred to as wheelbarrow, which was usually day's stubble that seems to dark and scary, and we could Bonfire night was perhaps one your "neighbours". extend down his chest and his actually believe that the leaf of my favorite childhood mem otolon appropriated from a "penny for the guy, sir?" you nearby allotment, wobbled as it back. Or dirty and ripped black gods might be appeased by our ories, and not least because I jeans, or a blood splattered shirt offering and an early snowfall • really love fire(more about that would say, in your sweetest went, and sometimes had a flat voice. At the door would be a tyre of it's own. It was always with the words "playground wasn't too far away. later). Bonfire night was a char supervisor" scrawled on the acter building experience. particularly crazy village per expertly handled 'by older With any luck, my mum son, of rather advanced years friends of mine who I now front, or a dirty mackintosh. Never ever go shopping for a wouldn't even miss that coffee For one thing, Bonfires are and with enough attachments understand are gainfully table from the spare room. The about Violence against Mascots. to make him look more like employed as drunk taxi drivers. chainsaw nursing the sort of hangovers that actually change leg was wobbly, anyway. Cinder This, I reason, can only be a some kind of futuristic vacuum Oh, and one pilot for Valu-Jet. toffee, anyone? good thing. Over here, for cleaner than a human being your skin colour to make you example, the T-Bird would be Leaving aside for now the resemble your Halloween cos "What's that you say, sonny? right there smoking away, look question of the mascot, the tume. Never ever ever go with a Trying to steal money from an ing like a sort of failed neoprene bonfire itself had to be built. old man, eh?" yellow phoenix against the vel This requires the amassing of vety night sky. Imagine the "it's penny.... er .for the guy, several metric tonnes of wood, kind of inner peace this would sir" or I suppose anything else at all give to the observers, especially that could be burned. Here Hamster. " so that's your guy, is it? eh after two or three bottles of again, you had to solicit the hee heh heh....w/zeeeeze....heh. help of the crazy village people. Continued from the back cover.. vodka, and we could spend So, anyone I know?" whole weeks putting together Drunk Taxi Drivers with trucks the guy, before we threw him "why, thank you sir, I- er, I'm became very useful at this point on that bonfire. ( The guy is sorry?" This was an unexpected because they were willing to what seemed like, and probably finds oneself on the Alaska what we called our sacrificial conversational gambit. help you get the wood out into was, five seconds, my fingers Highway, wielding an abnor the middle of some field where mascot to be, incidentally). This " Anyone I know, sonny? Eh? closed on the most solid thing, mally blunt banana, trying to the bonfire was going to be was an absolutely golden Wheeeze, hack, cough. You're not which I prayed was something defend a Russian Dwarf erected, sometimes without opportunity. Remember that deaf are you? Is it anyone I sharp. Giving my most menac Mackerel from a recently awak even hitting anything on the sweater that you got for know? Wilson's not been seen ing look, I wielded my finding ened grizzly bear, all previously way. See, practicing with the Christmas that had one arm mowing his lawn this week...is in front of me, and growled. 'big' troubles quickly revert to wheelbarrow as young lads paid I must have looked pretty stu the size of a small pebble. pid. In fact, if you were to pre Of course, Frank the Evil pare an extensive list of threat Hamster picked this opportuni ening looking items with which ty to launch his attack. Ryan's Poem. to confront a grizzly bear, a To be continued... banana would probably place uring a recent visit to not a recognized poet or any consonants into a word proces very near to the bottom of the SUS's Wine and Cheese, thing, he managed to come up sor followed very closely by cre list — somewhere between 'wet Join Jer next issue as he tap Dex-432 editor Ryan with something interesting. ative use of a spell checker. noodle' arid 'Bob Dole.' dances naked in the arctic for McCuaig decided to try his The method: a careful and The result: it is preserved forev I've seen pretty big trouble in food! hand at poetry. While Ryan is exact placement of vowels and er below, with spacing and into my life. However, when one -ed. nation intact. Salt deaf. Lanka sag Dave splunge Sack vex julienne fig era The problem: we have no clue who. what it means. Ryan doesn't, either. So this whole affair leads us to User! The 432's next contest. The per Wooer! son who comes up with the best Rube! interpretation of the following poem will win whatever the edi tor has in his filing cabinet for Sax drag veered Rouen. Vacuous coo prizes.. Most likely a Limited Edition 432 T-Shirt and 22oz Science Stein (possibly multi We aria Iraqi who? ples thereof, it all depends how good your explanation is). I, user... All you have to do is submit your explanation of the poem with your name, phone num I awe. Pro-era wear... an oven seize! ber, and email to the editor by the next deadline (Nov. 4th, 4:32pm). Secure aqua upper aqua roe. Vex cacti! Rio red. You can drop off entries in Chem B160 or email them to Mamma [email protected] Goodbye and good luck. mazes. Where Avogadro really got his number. THE FOUR THIRTY TWO PAGE 5 30 OKTOBER 1996 ) Weirdness. Dead Pool
John ing that I was fairly confident "Pardon? I just want to devel op some film." HALLETT that the statement was directed update. at my good friend Leah who, I "Film?" He looked a little baf figure, was standing immediate fled. I gestured to the piles of ly behind me. But, after a short Kodak behind the counter, the for anyone else who joins the ccasionally, in your time examination of Leah's current cameras everywhere, and all the pool after November 1, all your as a 432 staffer, weird location, I came to the conclu pictures on the wall. "Oh yeah! picks need to be breathing (offi and just generally sion that she was about a foot Film! I do that, too!" cially, at least: I don't remember O to my right and that the com seeing Keith Richards doing any bizarre things might happen. ment was probably intended for I handed over my film. He This is accepted. This is expected. have a horriffic confession to marathons this month, but he me. took it and put it down behind still counts). But rarely do enough abnormal the counter, looked up, and make. Although normally events occur between the last Being quick on my feet and asked if he could help me. Ifrighteningly conscientious While we are here, I'll just note issue and the deadline for the full of enviable wit, I instantly and organized, on a freak occur a few points from people's lists upcoming issue to write an arti retaliated with "Um... thanks" It proved to be very difficult to rence last afternoon frogs and answer a few questions cle about. This article is the to which the waiter replied "No, convince him that a) I had rained down from the sky while posed. Jason Brett: anyone who exception to that rule. really! They just light up the already asked him to develop I was out in the back garden flies Valujet is still not a name. some film b) I had already given I don't know where to start. room. My name's Mark, by the trimming the begonia's. Some of Also, Elvis is dead. You can't get way!" The one-two punch had him said film and that c) the them got caught in my hair and any points for them - but you After a little bit of weirdness roll of film that had mysterious had been flung my way, I been completed. I was mentally infiltrated my files, which is still have seven days to change on the floor, and my interesting ly appeared behind his counter why I cannot now say with cer them, if ya want.. Same goes to thought 'okay, that's kind of in the past few minutes was, odd.' The next day, the weird week was just beginning. tainty that I have all the dead- Stewart Austin for Elvis. indeed, mine. pool entries. Thus, I'm going to ness continued and I thought Oktober 26th - The phone Jenn Gardy, I'm taking Liam have to extend a small grace 'now that's genuinely wacky.' call. With all that said and done, I Gallagher as your #1 pick. (And period of about a week after this Day three had me saying 'If this started on my way, fully expect I wish you luck, 'cause he really Imagine waking up the morn thing gets published for anyone keeps up I can run a three ring ing to be back in an hour to is a wanker...) circus based entirely on person ing after a huge party to a pick up my newly developed whose list I've lost. The lists I al events! Where'd that ele phone ringing. I opened my film. still have are as follows: Brad, Don't worry if one of eyes, determined that the really your picks gets to buy it before phant go?' Day four had me "See you in twenty five min Kathy Lo talking to pumpkins. annoying strange noise was, in Nov 1. One of the priveledges of fact, a phone and then started utes," our friendly film guy Shawn Wowk entering early is that you can re Where to start? I think I'll take looking for the particular yelled out. Aaron Adamact pick another potential stiff, and the chronological approach. telecommunication device that "Pardon? Isn't this a one hour Jonathan Buchanan (Juri!) I'll give you a bonus point for - dead pool Oktober 19th - The waiter. was bothering me. It was conve photo shop?" the stiff as well. Though having niently located immediately - dead writers said that, no one actually died Three friends and I decided to adjacent to my head. I pick it up "Yes, but for you, I'll do it in - dead musicians twenty five minutes! See you this week as far as I know, and go forth to that bastion of good and answered "Yeah?" - dead politicians everyone still has all their lists times known as Milestones and then!" Stewart Austin "Hi! Is this John Hallett?" intact. partake in a brief dinner event. I Thirty minutes later, I was Jason Brett was overly pleased with this "Yeah." back. I asked him if my film was Jenn Gardy Best prediction so far comes whole concept, seeing as I from Shawn Wowk, who pre "My name's Colin. I'm from ready and he said that it should Breeone Baxter would be the only male in the dicted that "Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the Campus Times!" He was be, seeing as only one was in Brad Gilbert group. I mean, when was the Bob Dole, and Ross Perot will be obviously far too happy about the back at the time. He started Super Soleena last time you got to take three caught in a compromising love this fact. shuffling through the various Brandon Macdonald cute girls out on a date? envelopes full of pictures and Conrad Chevalier triangle. The resulting Doctor "Yeah?" assisted multiple suicide will The bus ride out was mostly made it all the way from 'A' to David Collins leave a power vacuum in the uneventful, well, the sheep was "You entered our bzzr tasting 'D' before realizing that he did Bella & Ellen senate and Texas will open the a bit of an exception, but it was contest?" n't know my name. After I spelt Colin MacDermot door for a long awaited alien n't that weird. Anyway, needless it out two or three times for "Yeah!" If you already submitted me invasion led by the kidnapped to say, we arrived at Milestones him, it dawned on him that my your list of fifteen, and if you and frozen brain of Jean Claude a little shaken, but not stirred. "So, Mr. Hallett, do you want to pictures weren't among the are not on this list, resubmit Van Damme (which would After a short wait, our waiter be a bzzr judge?" crowd and were very probably your list to me before the 7th or explain why he sounds like a approached, did the normal "Yes. Yes I do." the ones currently running so and I'll still give you points through the machine. robot)" waiter-gathering-menus type of My weekend was off to a good for anyone on the list who activity, then turned to us and start. Well, we had to wait about five became a stiff after you first I guess that's it for this week. spoke. Normally, the first thing minutes for the machine to fin gave me the list. Otherwise, and Go home. Don't fear the reaper. Oktober 26th - The film guy. out of a waiter's mouth is "Table ish processing my photos, dur for four?" or "Will that be I guess that Film Developing ing which the film guy com U smoking or non-smoking?" Professional would be a more plained viscous about how This wasn't the case. This par appropriate title. After all, it seems to be loosing $200 a day ticular waiter felt it necessary to takes years of dedication and on the operation. After we left, initiate communication with training to master the ancient my friend Kim pointed out that his customers with the remark skills of photograph develop he just might break even if he "I have just got to say this before ment. Not. In reality, it takes stopped buying $200 worth of anything else. You have the about $10,000 and a desire to pot to smoke during the day. "Never let it be said that the Prince of Darkness is a greatest eyes!" while looking start your own business. As was So, I guess this all just goes to stingy wanker." directly at me. the case with the guy who show that life is really weird. developed the role of film con - Tank Girl Initially, my brain didn't Maybe more so when you real taining our cover shot. accept this information. I tried ize that I had to cut the story in giving it the input 'Someone I asked him what the going half to keep this article under just said "You have the greatest price for 12 shots was and he 1500 words. The moral of these eyes!"', and I got back "Three gave me this weird look before stories? There is none, except to little maids from school are saying "Um, well, I don't really maybe keep film and pot on we!" This whole scenario didn't sell that here. But if you want, I separate budgets. ii bother me that much, consider can meet you out back..." rr_ All submissions to The 432 must be in Chemistry B160 no later than: ONE EVERYTHING DIES 04 November 1996 DKOUftHT TO NOU £V V0O? FfrENDi-Y 4:32pm kWS UN IVggS-»TV COMMISSION Ragdikian's Observation: "Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the aveuigc American newspaper is like trying A to play Bach '.-> 'St. Matthew's Passion' on a Chris Carter takes over advertising for the AMS. Q ukelele." Mr. Pumpkin Reality sucks. of electron is really infinite. It Henry Laman about the ones that seem to be saying that beer equals frogs just seems to be a constant and me. Incredibly odd columnist sticking to trucks while because nothing (Which is real Canadian voyagers meet the ly made up out of particles that ver the years my friends silence from my class when I'm sasquatch in a snowstorm in blip in and out of existence Gord McVanOlundsky have all made the com teaching, ok?" the middle of the desert. These faster than anyone is allowed to Screenwriter Oment that I appear to be messages have gone beyond measure them) blocks out some PSYCHO: "Yes sir! Mr. living in my own little world. simple persuasion and into a of the charge. When I think ACT ONE Pumpkin understands! Right?" This has gotten me thinking. It world that would make Michael about this, suddenly beer com Tracy MacKinnon Doug Beleznay Henry Wong President Director of finance Internal Vice President appy Hallowe'en! John has made our office very festive by 32,430,.... $32,431,... $32,432... Oh right my exec n case you haven't heard of the addition of a jack-o-lantern! And Shirin from Arts report...well, we are now officially rolling in money... the $2 me before, I am your SUS brought us a pumpkin full of chocolates for Hallowe'en $retroactive increase went through (meaning that your fees for IInternal Vice President, and H January just went up by $2)... but they were supposed to already be yes, this is my first ever write-up (thanks, Shirin)! Club budgets were due a few days ago, so I hope all you clubs got them in to us already! like that. (We had a referendum last year, it just: got passed on to for this wonderful paper. What BoG a little slowly by the AMS). is there to say? Well, there was Teaching Excellence Awards are getting under way in SUS right the welcome back BBQ way now. There are nomination forms somewhere in this paper, so if So since the $2 increase went through, that means that we're back on track for budgeting, and in fact even have a little more than we back in September. (We were you had a really great prof that you want to recognize, nominate the motley crew baking our him or her for a SUS teaching award! More details can be found hoped. You see, in an effort to boost University productivity, Science allowed approx. 600 more students into first year last year. selves in front of two fiery char with the forms, or you can come by the office (Chem 160) and talk coal grills on East Mall) The new to me or to Henry. (In the long run this means we've got about $6000 more to play with. No John, you can't have any more money. (But the cost of buy council members were elected The AMS is having a Hallowe'en Trick or Treat for the Food Bank. ing bzzr, er, printing this paper has just shot up! -ed.) (appointed due to the lack of Interested people are meeting in the SUB Party Room between 4:30 competition and candidates) and 5:30 on Hallowe'en, and then they'll canvass Point Grey and "So how can I get my hands on some of this money?" you may last week. If you didn't notice Kits for donations of non-perishable goods for the food bank. If ask. Well, unfortunately this paper came out one day too late, the polling stations, don't you want more information, you can talk to Kathryn in SUS (she's because the first budget committee meeting was Oct. 29th. So worry, there were none. (It's a the giggling redhead - you can't miss her). we've already passed out -$7000 to clubs. There will however be dictatorship, I tell 'ya! Students of more budget meetings throughout the year, (I plan to hold one UBC! Unite against oppression! - Our Oktoberfest celebration was a lot of fun.. Unfortunately, we approximately once a month, or as necessary), so if spending other ed) lost quite a bit of money, so we'll have to have very tight budgets peoples money turns your crank watch this space. (Or better yet However, there's still a way you for our remaining events this year. SUS steins (they're a colossal 22 come in to the SUS office (Chem. B160), and ask for me) oz!) were a big hit though. I believe we still have about 80 left, and can get involved, accomplish they'll be filled at all SUS events for all eternity! Let's see what else, we've actually got our money from the AMS something, stamp your mark on now. (They hold on to the money until the end of October.) So that the Science community and I'm feeling giddy, so if you need a favour, now would be the time means we can start to spend money a little more freely. We should make your year memorable. to ask, since my interviews are going very well (hurrah)! be upgrading the pop machine to take twoonies anytime soon. (If Teaching Excellence Award Until the next deadline (although the time between deadlines I really get my act together we'll be getting an upgrade to the pho nomination forms are out! It seems to get smaller and smaller) (Tell me about it -ed.). tocopier, and maybe even a vending machine). Oh did I mention means a lot to profs to be recog the new phone line, and new (to us) couches that we've already nized and loved by their stu Phil Ledwith got. (Have you seen Chem Club's new lounge? They have leather couch dents, so nominate your External Vice President es! Say, Doug... -ed.) (If you haven't been in SUS yet this year, things favorite professor for the award! have changed.) So yeah, if you have a great idea for spending All you have to do is to tear out i Oi!! Skoosh!! Ah'm no goin tae be tae coherent this issue, money, or if you want to see how your money is being spent, or the nice little form at the back ye ken, on account o the fact that ah'm rite shagged oot even if you just can't stand the weather outside, and want someone of this paper (after you've fin Oafter day o the longboat. The water wiz cold, an a little on to complain about it to, drop on by!!!. ished rigorously memorizing all the damp side, but it wiz greeet all the same. The president from the columns (We know if you do. Arts, Shirin, wiz thare rite enuff an' lovely as ever in her wee bathin There will be a test later, -ed.)) suit, but her team wasnae as good as our team. The fact that I nevir Doug's secret passion is taking all the coins from the pop machine, sign your name, find 9 other actually saw her team has nae bearin on the matter at oil. An we putting them in a hot tub and diving in naked. Weird, eh? people (or 70% of your class, didnae capsize the boat this year, which is a lot more than can be -ed. whichever number is smaller) to do the same and hand the form said for our last team oot on the seas. Anyway, if yer reedin' this, Warrick Yu Shirin, Ah hope yer team did well. in to me at the SUS office in Director of Sports Chem B160. The academic By the time ye read this, Halloween will be only a day or two committee will then studiously away. The AMS is doin' a Trick or Treat for charity, so get oot thare ello everyone, this special report is brought to you by me. evaluate each nominated pro an have some fun. Ah've no a greet deal tae say now. The wine an Oh yes, the rebate...I finally made up the new, fantastic, fessor to determine the winner. cheeese wiz majic, speshully the wine bit. That's ma lot. Ah gess it's Himproved, magnificent, reader-friendly Sport Rebate Policy. The First Year Committee will time for a blatant plug. It is posted on the notice board and on the door outside SUS. be up and running next week. Science Week. Meetings at 5:30 every Wednsday in Chem 160. If Hopefully, no one will be confused. If it does happen, ask. One way The first meeting will be on ye can't make it to a 5:30 meeting, come by any time after 3.30 and to remember how to calculate the amount of rebate your team can Monday, 28th Oktober 4:32 PM say helloo; I'm the bald laddie typing at the keyboard looking real receive is to memorize the following: in the SUS Office. Please show ly frazzled. Come by and see us spend five grand on a week long R = F/T(M/2 + NG) up if you are interested to get party, with explosions an fireworks an egg catapults an mad races involved. I guarantee you will This is called "The Great Wall's 2nd Law" which is the modified an enough beer tae... well, ah don't want tae give it oil away tae meet a lot of wonderful new version of "The Great Wall's 1st Law". The 2nd Law is fairer to all soon, do I? ' ' - '• people and thoroughly enjoy of you who pay the $12 SUS fee. In other words, "SUS Members the experience. Imagine that! Mikey Boetzkes Deserve Better" Note that this is not Gordon Campbell's "Taxpayers Deserve Better", nor is this Glen Clark's "On Your Side" Social Coordinator politics. This rebate policy is all logical mathematics. If you don't Yeah. Imagine that. Also imagine i everybody and welcome to another installment of "How know the variables, I can tell you now: that this paper will be printed on Much Money Can I LoseThis Week." This week has been R = Rebate a team can receive the 30th of Oktober. Oh well, you very good in the department of losing money. I've also dis can still come into SUS if you're H F = Registration fee covered that lam unusually good at this. So, please give me more interested. Henry will be the guy money. T = Total number of players excluding imports studying the calendar. -ed. Well in other news Oktoberfest was on the 18th. As far as fun goes M = Number of SUS members, that means you. it was a lot of it but financially there was one or two complaints N = Number of non-SUS members excluding the imports, that afterwards. As far as I can tell the rest of the Exec didn't really like means the other guys...hmmmmm U the fact that I lost $3500 on this event. Me I don't see too big of a problem because I have yet to kill my entire budget. G = Amount of money granted to the "other guys" as described above. The good news about Oktoberfest is that a lot of people had a real ly good time which makes the whole process all worth while. It no This formula is unofficial. The official formula (apparently it is "But the fact that longer matters how much money I lost because I managed to ful identical to the unofficial one) is found in the Sport Rebate Policy some geniuses were fill my mandate by causing people to have fun. It is such a rough Article III-3. Any other questions? life, isn't it. laughed at does not Now, the report of the SUS Executive Ball Hockey team. Our imply that all who are Well in other news we have another bzzr garden coming up on goalie, i.e. me, is slightly injured by a player from the opposing November 15. This will be a much smaller event and therefore only team. This player intentionally crashed into the goalie, who had laughed at were held in the Partyroom but should be as much if not more fun. I already frozen theb^wThe^condition of the goalie is as follows: geniuses. They guess at this point I should really know more about this event so I All limbs and the head are still attached to the body. There is no laughed at Columbus, can pass it on to you but, well I don't. Sorry but it has been a busy evidence of missing limbs. There is a slightly bleeding in the gum couple of weeks. For more info read this article in the next issue. due to the collision (or it could be due to not brushing your teeth, -ed.). they laughed at Someone told me the other day that I'm supposed to have a Social A cut is found above the hose beside the right ocular implement Fulton, they laughed Committee and therefore I should have committee meetings. I (i.e. eye). Mental stress continues as the goalie is not responding to at the Wright broth think that I will have it on Wednesday at about 5:00. I can guar Prozac treatment. ers. But they also antee that this will be short because I have another meeting at Where was the ref? I guess he was as blind as Kerry F. Anyway the 5:30, SO if you feel like doing some work come to my meeting. goalie is ready to play again! laughed at Bozo the That's all folks. Clown." Warrick is, simply put, the single most energetic person I have ever Despite his best effort, Mikey couldn't break the record for most money met. If you want someone to play chess with, he's not so hot, but if you - Carl Sagan lost at a SUS social event. Better luck next time, Mikey. want a package delivered to Hong Kong overnight, he's your man. -ed. -ed. ii 1 PAGE 8 Bernie goes to Russia. Part I Jeremy Perhaps it would be a good that little key-chain atlas I got shear through steel. One would turned into a bear. guess that none of these com fftpEH THORP idea to introduce you to, or in my Christmas cracker when I I've watched a lot of nature more accurately, to warn you was five. Besides, I've seen Spies pounds would be contained in films in my time, and I know about my hamster. There is a Like Us, and they got to Russia the tooth of a hamster. One that bears often hibernate for r^ti carefully preserved myth that with one small scene change. would be wrong, but that is the weekend. Without going Of course, I was wrong. I real what one would guess. Chances his is the story of a fish. hamsters are cute fuzzy, and, into the gruesome details of ized this after being on the road are, as well, that the average Or, more accurately, this most ridiculously of all, friend metabolical slowing and rectal for about 7 hours. The gas sta human, if asked, would proba is the story of a fish, a ly. Let me assure you, most plugs, I'll just say that hiberna T adamantly, that these assump tions still didn't have any bly guess that a hamster doesn't banana and an exceptionally tion entails falling asleep for a Vodka, and 'Prince Rupert' sure have the cranial capacity evil hamster. tions are not only completely good long time, in order to false, but also very, very danger didn't seem too Russian to me. required to learn the intricacies avoid all that coldness that is so Let's start with, the fish. How ous. Many a finger has been lost But I persevered — I figured if I of a combustion engine. Once prevalent in the cold-type many of you have ever seen a to the carefully sharpened teeth drove long enough on this again, one would be wrong. places where bears live. What I Russian Dwarf Mackerel? No? I of Cricetus cricetus, and it is only 'Alaska Highway' that it would didn't know is that, for bears wouldn't be too sure about that. whirrr....grAUW!!! thunk. through the most fortuitous cir eventually lead to some frag living in Alaska, winter starts You see, the Russian Dwarf Not a particularity good sound cumstances that I am still the ment of the former U.S.S.R. quite early. In October,- to be Mackerel (or the RDM, to those proud owner of eight fingers, to hear from an engine — and a In the meantime, Bernie was more accurate. Have you ever in the know) looks remarkably and their associated opposable really quite awful sound to hear perking up with every water been woken up at 4:00 in the like the common goldfish.' So thumbs. Now that I've warned from an engine when driving change in his portable plexi morning, after just settling strikingly similar are these two you of the dangerous blood-lust along the Alaska Highway at glass tank. His eyes were grow down for a four month nap in a species, that even well trained that is characteristic of these 4am on an unusually cool fall ing brighter with every mile, cozy nest of carefully prepared ichthyologists have been most horrible of rodents, it is morning. But, I'm not one to and he was doing laps around bedding products? Well, I know known to make the occasional time for you to meet Frank the panic. I prefer hysteria. I find the badly painted fluorescent a bear who has. mis-identification (don't Hamster. Frank is the hamster that a good five minutes of full- skull like a greyhound on believe me? Ask the guy at the equivalent of a psychopath. out screaming-at-the-top-of- Now this was a good time. Not amphetamines. Even Frank the pet shop.) Now, this often leads Last week, I gave him ari entire your-lungs terror-filled hysteria only was I facing a menacing, Evil Hamster seemed to be to some rather unfortunate psy package of carrot-shaped wood really calms the nerves. (Is that eight foot tall grizzly bear on a cheering up — his chewing on chological problems in the en chew toys, and returned to patented Jer 'screaming-like-a-girl' remote section of a poorly the cage bars had stopped pro RDM, and my pet mackerel find each of them carved and screaming? -ed.) Unfortunately paved highway, but I had also ducing sparks, and every once Bernie is no exception. Lately sharpened into small hamster- for me, it also wakes wildlife. apparently released a viscous in a while,- you could swear he he's been listless, tired, and weapons which resembled pike hamster on an unsuspecting, was no longer possessed by Sometimes while walking downright depressed. Indeed, axes. I once caught him rubbing poorly equipped ecosystem; Mr. Satan. As the trees and goats down a poorly lit street late at there were a few days there two pieces of cedar bedding Mackerel was hiding in his whizzed by the car like so many night, your eyes can play tricks when I was worried that he may together, trying to ignite his lit skull, and I was in serious dan horseflies...wait... those were on you. Bushes become knife- have deoxygeriated his last few tle wooden house. And my ger of needing a new pair of horseflies. Oh well, you get the wielding maniacs, mailboxes millilitres of carefully treated roommates thought I was crazy pants. point. As we continued north become angry dogs, and bus water. Being the conscientious when I installed the sprinkler ward, I was struck with an over stops become gangs of drunken Enter the banana. Fumbling pet owner that I am, I decided system on his cage. powering sense of dedication — hell's angels. Most of the time, behind my back, in the fortu that what Bernie needed was a Nevertheless, I still feel that I I knew, at that moment, that however, these phantasms dis nately open back pocket of my taste of his homeland: Since I have a responsibility to Frank, Bernie and I were going to make appear as you move closer, and five-dollar backpack, I searched was fresh out of Vodka, I packed so along he came to Russia, dan it to Russia, and that everything you find yourself chuckling in frantically for a weapon. I knew up my backpack, shined my gling from my backpack in his was going to be alright. regards to your apparent idiocy. I had my swiss army knife back swiss army knife, and headed steel-reinforced travel cage. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot there somewhere, and after for the great Siberian frontier. And that's when everything I always though it would be of bus stops, or lamp posts on (Because that's oh so much easier went to hell. the Alaska Highway, and this than a trip to 4th & Alma, right easy to get to Russia. I mean, There are only a limited num particular knife-wielding mani Jer?-ed.) sure, it's a good 10,000 miles See "Hamster" on page 4 away, but it looked so close on ber of compounds that can ac didn't turn into a bush. It CDOO^JOiOl^OOlNJH-'CO t—'• Ol il- -W N5 H O 0Q P 3 I Ifo c a •Jig." 3 3 5^3 fD a P f?3 P §<< 13 p w a a 0Q g-p-g-O QCL§ fD a3 n *"* ™ 05 03 ft fD © o 8* B fD H- o C to a>T3 as to o w Ol03 o •a • O fllQ3 AO BH P& Lr<-0Q a Si fD fD cop eo Cr*.-- fvD* 3 y