ST. STEPHEN'S COLLEGE A STORY OF BECOMING: FROM MISERABLE OFFENDER TO GOD'S WORK OF ART by Barbara Anne Baillie A thesis submitted to the Faculty of St. Stephen's College in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of MASTER OF ARTS IN PASTORAL PSYCHOLOGY AND COUNSELLING Edmonton, Alberta Convocation: November 1, 2010 Library and Archives Bibliotheque et 1*1 Canada Archives Canada Published Heritage Direction du Branch Patrimoine de I'edition 395 Wellington Street 395, rue Wellington OttawaONK1A0N4 Ottawa ON K1A 0N4 Canada Canada Your file Votre r6f6rence ISBN: 978-0-494-80139-0 Our file Notre reference ISBN: 978-0-494-80139-0 NOTICE: AVIS: The author has granted a non­ L'auteur a accorde une licence non exclusive exclusive license allowing Library and permettant a la Bibliotheque et Archives Archives Canada to reproduce, Canada de reproduce, publier, archiver, publish, archive, preserve, conserve, sauvegarder, conserver, transmettre au public communicate to the public by par telecommunication ou par I'lnternet, preter, telecommunication or on the Internet, distribuer et vendre des theses partout dans le loan, distribute and sell theses monde, a des fins commerciales ou autres, sur worldwide, for commercial or non­ support microforme, papier, electronique et/ou commercial purposes, in microform, autres formats. paper, electronic and/or any other formats. The author retains copyright L'auteur conserve la propriete du droit d'auteur ownership and moral rights in this et des droits moraux qui protege cette these. Ni thesis. Neither the thesis nor la these ni des extraits substantiels de celle-ci substantial extracts from it may be ne doivent etre imprimes ou autrement printed or otherwise reproduced reproduits sans son autorisation. without the author's permission. In compliance with the Canadian Conformement a la loi canadienne sur la Privacy Act some supporting forms protection de la vie privee, quelques may have been removed from this formulaires secondaires ont ete enleves de thesis. cette these. While these forms may be included Bien que ces formulaires aient inclus dans in the document page count, their la pagination, il n'y aura aucun contenu removal does not represent any loss manquant. of content from the thesis. 1+1 Canada I dedicate this to my husband Bob, in thanks for his support during this long labour. ABSTRACT A Story of Becoming: From Miserable Offender to God's Work of Art In my introduction, I describe a spontaneous vision where an image of my inner child ran out from the adult me, crying into the arms of Jesus. Because I was seeing clients at this midlife transition point coming with "inner child" issues, my research focus was to discover the significance of this child image and her role in my midlife individuation process. Using the lenses of Jungian psychology and Christian theology, I describe and analyze this individuation and healing process. Through references to my personal journals, essays, and art works, I describe the healing of self-esteem issues, my image of God, my father wound, relationships, and my negative view of sexuality. The appearance of the child in my vision signified three things: wounds from childhood which were affecting present-day functioning; an imbalance in my life with too much work and little fun or playfulness; and the creative child archetype. To tell my story, I employed an autoethnographic methodology because it promised to allow for my blossoming creativity and flexibility—the fruit of my individuation journey. The healing of childhood wounds and negative inner messages was accomplished through scriptural prayer and coming to know my beloved-ness in God. Healing also came through the unconditional acceptance and compassion of numerous spiritual directors and counselors. Finally, I have described the emergence of the creative in my life through imagery and art making. Art making has functioned as a liberating activity and has provided a maternal nurturing matrix which can receive and contain my feelings and issues. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would like to thank all the mentors who accompanied me on this journey of becoming: those who embodied "a man with a heart," and those others who listened, challenged, and held me in a sacred space of hospitality. I thank Karen Evers-Fahey, my thesis advisor, for her help and support, Barbara Holt for her help in editing, and Dirk Evers for his input and affirmation. I give special thanks to my Jungian analyst, John Betts, for his belief in me, his respectful listening, and his encouraging support. Table of Contents Chapter 1: Introduction 1 The Vision 1 Research Question 2 Personal Theology 3 Psychological Theory 8 Defining the Terms 9 Choice of Methodology 13 Literature Review 16 Overview 16 Chapter 2: Methodology: Autoethnography 17 Description and Suitability to my Exploration 17 Method Outlined 21 1. Data Collection 21 2. Immersion Phase 22 3. Engagement 22 4. Awareness 22 5. Writing my Story 23 6. Data Analysis 23 7. Validity 24 8. Ethical Considerations 25 Chapter 3: The Story of My Becoming: My Individuation Process 26 The Inner Child 26 Literature review of the inner child concept 31 My own definition of inner child 33 Midlife Crisis 35 Ego development up to midlife 35 The crisis of 1986 36 Spiritual direction: Introduction to Ignatian prayer 39 Experiencing God's love through scriptural prayer 41 Sexuality emerges as a theme 44 Connections to theory 47 Connections with the literature on midlife 49 Summary of my midlife crisis 58 The Prairie Years: After the Crisis 61 Connections with Jungian theory 62 Theological shifts away from the collective stance 63 Self-discovery 65 Connections with Jungian theory 72 My Thirty-Day Ignatian Retreat 76 The sexuality issue emerges again 78 Connections with Jungian theory 81 Gifts of the retreat 87 Post-Retreat: Re-integration and Struggle 88 God working with me through relationships 89 Analysis of the situation 95 Art making 100 Back to BC: Another Stage in the Inner Journey 105 The Sexuality Issue Resurfaces 105 Connections to the literature 108 Sexuality as shadow 110 Love, intimacy and marriage 113 Dialoguing with inner figures 119 Midlife Liminality Revisited: Abiding/Trusting 124 A Mini-Sabbatical in Chicago 126 Surfacing inner life scripts 126 Sexuality and spirituality 130 Connections to culture: the power of the collective 131 The Creative Child is in the Lead: A New Chapter Begins 135 Mandalas bringing insight and freedom 135 Art making as spiritual process on retreat 140 Chapter 4: Concluding Remarks 147 Bibliography 152 Appendix A 163 Appendix B 177 1 Chapter 1: Introduction The Vision: I was 36 years old, participating in worship at a Christian women's conference, when suddenly I was swept up into an incredible vision. As I watched, I saw my adult self as a mannequin splitting wide open and the child me running out crying. The child ran into Jesus' arms where he held her as she cried and cried. This vision carried an incredible impact. I had no idea of its meaning, but within my deepest heart, I knew it had immense significance. A few years later, the meaning of this vision started to unfold. I was 39 years old and embarking on the journey of midlife transition. Carl Gustav Jung describes the life cycle as two phases, the first and second halves of life, each having a different orientation. The first stage, comprised of childhood and youth, is "oriented primarily to adaptation and conformity to the outer world" (Brennan & Brewi, 1982, p.l), or in Jung's terms, ego-development. The second half of life, with its stages of midlife and old age, "is oriented primarily to adaptation to the inner world" (Brennan & Brewi, 1982, p.l). Jung saw this as a time to bring to consciousness unconscious elements of the psyche so that they may be integrated. This is the time for the development of the full Self, the process of individuation. The movement into the second half of life is characterized often by negative feelings and a loss of meaning. This is termed a midlife crisis. Usually, what is occurring is an eruption of unconscious elements into consciousness. We all suppress or repress certain elements of our personality in the first half of life in order to belong, to succeed in our careers or relationships. Sometimes, we have repressed aspects of ourselves because that particular characteristic was not valued by our parents, culture, or religion. However, at midlife these forgotten parts of ourselves may begin to emerge, causing us feelings of 2 anxiety, depression, fear, loss of control. On the other hand, midlife can be a time of opportunity, excitement, joy, as we discover and explore new aspects of ourselves. The vision that I described at the beginning of this paper is an example of unconscious contents from my psyche emerging into consciousness. It signified an alert as to what was going to follow. At the age of 39, my midlife exploration of my inner self began. Research Question: Many times, I have reflected on this pivotal period in my life. I have examined it through the lens of persona breakdown and the call to the true Self; I have described it as a spiritual process, but I have never looked at this time through the lens of this beginning vision, through my inner child's eyes or experience. What is the significance of my child self emerging in this vision? Was she an integral factor in my individuation process? Twenty five years later, I have a sense of her being at peace, no longer crying or in pain, feeling loved and accepted. How did that healing happen? What was the significance of running into Jesus' arms in this process? Also I have experienced a new blossoming of creativity in the areas of art and poetry.