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The View from the Shitty Stand East Stand Martin’s Xmas Annual 2004 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND Contents Introduction............................................................................................4 A Nightmare on Green Street (25th August, 2003) ..................................6 th Brown’s Casino Economy (14 November, 2003) ....................................9 th The Claret and Blue Revolution (6 December, 2003) ...........................11 th West Ham 3 v Sunderland 2 (13 December, 2003) ..............................14 th West Ham 1 Ipswich 2 (26 December, 2003) ......................................16 th Nottingham Forest 0 West Ham 2 (28 December 2003).......................19 th West Ham 1 Preston 2 (10 January 2004) ...........................................21 th Sheffield United 3 West Ham 3 (17 January 2004) ..............................24 th Wolves 1 West Ham 3 (FA Cup, 25 January, 2004) ..............................28 st West Ham 2 v Rotherham 1 (31 January, 2004) ..................................31 th Farewell Jermain (6 February, 2004) ..................................................34 th Bradford 1 West Ham 2 (7 February, 2004).........................................38 th Fulham 0 West Ham 0 (FA Cup, 14 February, 2004) ............................41 th West Ham 0 Fulham 3 (FA Cup replay 24 February, 2004)...................44 th West Ham 1 Cardiff 0 (28 February, 2004) ..........................................47 th West Ham 0 Walsall 0 (6 March, 2004)................................................50 th West Ham 4 Crewe 2 (17 March, 2004) ...............................................53 th West Ham 2 Gillingham 1 (27 March, 2004) ........................................56 th Crystal Palace 1 West Ham 0 (12 April, 2004) .....................................59 th West Ham 2 Coventry 0 (17 April, 2004) .............................................62 th Stoke 0 West Ham 2 (24 April 2004) ...................................................65 st West Ham 4 Watford 0 (1 May, 2004)..................................................68 th Wigan 1 West Ham 1 (9 May, 2004) ....................................................72 nd th West Ham 2 Ipswich 0 (Playoff Semi Final 2 leg, 18 May, 2004) .......75 th Crystal Palace 1 West Ham 0 (Playoff Final, Cardiff, 29 May, 2004) .....78 th Post-season thoughts (29 June, 2004)................................................82 th West Ham 0 Wigan 2 (15 August 2004)...............................................87 st Crewe 2 West Ham 3 (21 August, 2004)..............................................91 th West Ham 2 Southend 0 (24 August, 2004).........................................95 th West Ham 1 Burnley 0 (28 August 2004) ............................................99 th Sheffield United 1 West Ham 2 (11 September, 2004).......................103 th West Ham 1 Ipswich 1 (18 September, 2004) ...................................107 st West Ham 3 Notts County 2 (Carling Cup, 21 September 2004) .........111 th Derby 1 West Ham 1 (29 September, 2004) ......................................115 nd West Ham 1 Wolves 0 (2 October, 2004) ..........................................119 EAST STAND MARTIN’S XMAS ANNUAL 2004 2 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND th West Ham 2 Stoke 0 (19 October, 2004) ...........................................123 rd West Ham 3 Gillingham 1 (23 October, 2004) ...................................127 th Chelsea 1 West Ham 0 (Carling Cup, 27 October, 2004) ....................131 th Plymouth Argyle 1 West Ham 1 (30 October, 2004) ..........................136 th West Ham 0 Brighton 1 (13 November, 2004) ...................................140 st Real Sociedad 3 Athletic Bilbao 2 (21 November 2004) .....................144 th West Ham 3 Watford 2 (27 November, 2004) ....................................146 th West Ham 1 Leeds 1 (10 December 2004).........................................150 EAST STAND MARTIN’S XMAS ANNUAL 2004 3 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND Introduction Martin Jol’s lost it and is heading for a fall Soon every Hammer will be having a ball Does Levy know what he’s doing? Will Kanouté ever score? Has Pleaty just kerb crawled another whore? Chorus: So here it is Merry Christmas And the Yids are going down Look to the future now It's only just begun Are you waiting for 3 points to arrive? Are you sure they’re gonna stop the slide? Does your Spurs mate always tell ya that they are a massive side? When we all know they are f*cking shite Chorus: So here it is Merry Christmas And the Yids are going down Look to the future now It's only just begun What will Jermain do When he gets a better offer during January? Ah ah Do you think that Carrick is full of class? Are you hoping that Brown will some day make a pass? Do you ride on down the table in the hope you’ll beat Norwich? When they’ll turn up at Shite Hart Lane and take the piss. Chorus (4x) So here it is merry Christmas And the Yids are going down Look to the future now It's only just begun East Stand Martin or ESM as he is known on KUMB.com, the West Ham fans’ website is Martin Hughes, a supporter of the Irons since the late 1960’s. Born in Enfield, North London (which he accurately describes as “the heart of Tottscum territory”), Martin’s mum had the good sense to buy him a West Ham shirt when he was seven years old because “she liked the colours”. Since that time, he has been a loyal follower of the claret and blue, despite various scraps during his school years and long-running attempts by his old man to convert him to the dreaded Spuds. It fills him with utter shame to admit it, but ESM’s dad is a season ticket holder at White Hart Lane, a fact that can never be repeated in polite company. EAST STAND MARTIN’S XMAS ANNUAL 2004 4 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND Although he made regular visits to Upton Park and also followed the Hammers away from time to time, it was only ESM Jnr’s (Jack Hughes) sixth birthday in 1998 which created the perfect pretext for the purchase of two season tickets. The divorce from the missus also helped as well as she was about as impressed with football as ESM was about the sale of Jermain Defoe to Tottenham. Rejecting the crass and vulgar modernity of the new stands, Martin made straight for the East Stand where he felt quite at home with the dilapidation and the retro feel. The squalid facilities there are what football should be about. The thought of the stand being redeveloped fills him with horror and ESM is grateful for the ongoing financial mismanagement of the club by Chairman Terry Brown which prevents the demolition of his spiritual home. In fact, ESM reckons that just about the only endearing feature of Old Man Brown is that he can’t raise the dosh to knock down the East Stand. Martin has been regularly posting on Kumb.com since the beginning of 2003 when he discovered an outlet for his thoughts about the club. Fortunately the people who run this fine example of the digital age have indulged him for which he is grateful. The following is a compilation of various original posts made by ESM on KUMB.com since about the Summer of 2003. So what if it’s all been a bit depressing of late? There’s only one West Ham, after all. You can email ESM at [email protected] or why not come and join the party in the East Stand Upper? ESM and ESM Jnr can be found at seats E201 and E202. © Martin Hughes, 2004 EAST STAND MARTIN’S XMAS ANNUAL 2004 5 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND A Nightmare on Green Street (25th August, 2003) This piece was written in the wake of the sacking of Glenn Roeder. Looking back at it now, I reckon I got it just a bit wrong about Iain Dowie. So, I’m not always right. Forgive me for coming at this a bit late, but I just had to sit down in a darkened room to calm down after the latest chaotic happenings at our club. The first I heard of it was a text from a mate, with the simple message, “Your club is a complete shambles”. Now given that he’s a Derby fan, you can imagine that this had to be something out of the ordinary. My first thought was that Defoe had been sold – the more our Chairman says that this will not happen, the more I believe it will – but then I discovered the truth, our manager had finally been given his P45. Sweet release Actually, the way that the club had put was that he had been “released”. Strange terminology that. Almost like they had taken Roeder off like some aged pet for that final visit to the vet. Or maybe like they had let him out of jail. Incarcerated in the hell hole that is the Green Street top security prison. Sweet freedom at last, out of the clutches of the evil Governor. I wish him luck on the outside. Those that follow my disparate ravings will know that I had implored our illustrious Chairman to act and dispense with Roeder’s services a long time ago. By my calculations, the “release” has in fact come 8 months, three weeks and a day too late. Or something like that. The day I am thinking of is December 3rd 2002 in the wake of that last minute defeat by Southampton at home, the tenth home game of last season without a win, when we were floundering in 20th position in the Premiership. That was the time to act. The time when there were enough games left to try and turn it around. The time when there were a few qualified managers in the job market. The time when we still had the nucleus of one of the best squads in recent memory. The same time, in fact, when Middlesbrough had enough sense to deal with their managerial inadequacies and show Robbo the door. But no. We had to wait another eight months and literally suffer the spectacle of the life blood draining out of our club. The lethal cocktail How can we describe what has happened? I see it as a lethal cocktail of incompetence and cowardice.