The View from the Shitty Stand

East Stand Martin’s Xmas Annual 2004 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND

Contents

Introduction...... 4 A Nightmare on Green Street (25th August, 2003) ...... 6 Brown’s Casino Economy (14th November, 2003) ...... 9 The Claret and Blue Revolution (6th December, 2003) ...... 11 West Ham 3 v Sunderland 2 (13th December, 2003) ...... 14 West Ham 1 Ipswich 2 (26th December, 2003) ...... 16 Nottingham Forest 0 West Ham 2 (28th December 2003)...... 19 West Ham 1 Preston 2 (10th January 2004) ...... 21 Sheffield United 3 West Ham 3 (17th January 2004) ...... 24 Wolves 1 West Ham 3 (FA Cup, 25th January, 2004) ...... 28 West Ham 2 v Rotherham 1 (31st January, 2004) ...... 31 Farewell Jermain (6th February, 2004) ...... 34 Bradford 1 West Ham 2 (7th February, 2004)...... 38 Fulham 0 West Ham 0 (FA Cup, 14th February, 2004) ...... 41 West Ham 0 Fulham 3 (FA Cup replay 24th February, 2004)...... 44 West Ham 1 Cardiff 0 (28th February, 2004) ...... 47 West Ham 0 Walsall 0 (6th March, 2004)...... 50 West Ham 4 Crewe 2 (17th March, 2004) ...... 53 West Ham 2 Gillingham 1 (27th March, 2004) ...... 56 Crystal Palace 1 West Ham 0 (12th April, 2004) ...... 59 West Ham 2 Coventry 0 (17th April, 2004) ...... 62 Stoke 0 West Ham 2 (24th April 2004) ...... 65 West Ham 4 Watford 0 (1st May, 2004)...... 68 Wigan 1 West Ham 1 (9th May, 2004) ...... 72 West Ham 2 Ipswich 0 (Playoff Semi Final 2nd leg, 18th May, 2004) ...... 75 Crystal Palace 1 West Ham 0 (Playoff Final, Cardiff, 29th May, 2004) .....78 Post-season thoughts (29th June, 2004)...... 82 West Ham 0 Wigan 2 (15th August 2004)...... 87 Crewe 2 West Ham 3 (21st August, 2004)...... 91 West Ham 2 Southend 0 (24th August, 2004)...... 95 West Ham 1 Burnley 0 (28th August 2004) ...... 99 Sheffield United 1 West Ham 2 (11th September, 2004)...... 103 West Ham 1 Ipswich 1 (18th September, 2004) ...... 107 West Ham 3 Notts County 2 (Carling Cup, 21st September 2004) ...... 111 Derby 1 West Ham 1 (29th September, 2004) ...... 115 West Ham 1 Wolves 0 (2nd October, 2004) ...... 119

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West Ham 2 Stoke 0 (19th October, 2004) ...... 123 West Ham 3 Gillingham 1 (23rd October, 2004) ...... 127 Chelsea 1 West Ham 0 (Carling Cup, 27th October, 2004) ...... 131 Plymouth Argyle 1 West Ham 1 (30th October, 2004) ...... 136 West Ham 0 Brighton 1 (13th November, 2004) ...... 140 Real Sociedad 3 Athletic Bilbao 2 (21st November 2004) ...... 144 West Ham 3 Watford 2 (27th November, 2004) ...... 146 West Ham 1 Leeds 1 (10th December 2004)...... 150

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Introduction

Martin Jol’s lost it and is heading for a fall Soon every Hammer will be having a ball Does Levy know what he’s doing? Will Kanouté ever score? Has Pleaty just kerb crawled another whore?

Chorus: So here it is Merry Christmas And the Yids are going down Look to the future now It's only just begun

Are you waiting for 3 points to arrive? Are you sure they’re gonna stop the slide? Does your Spurs mate always tell ya that they are a massive side? When we all know they are f*cking shite

Chorus: So here it is Merry Christmas And the Yids are going down Look to the future now It's only just begun

What will Jermain do When he gets a better offer during January? Ah ah

Do you think that Carrick is full of class? Are you hoping that Brown will some day make a pass? Do you ride on down the table in the hope you’ll beat Norwich? When they’ll turn up at Shite Hart Lane and take the piss.

Chorus (4x) So here it is merry Christmas And the Yids are going down Look to the future now It's only just begun

East Stand Martin or ESM as he is known on KUMB.com, the West Ham fans’ website is Martin Hughes, a supporter of the Irons since the late 1960’s.

Born in Enfield, North London (which he accurately describes as “the heart of Tottscum territory”), Martin’s mum had the good sense to buy him a West Ham shirt when he was seven years old because “she liked the colours”.

Since that time, he has been a loyal follower of the claret and blue, despite various scraps during his school years and long-running attempts by his old man to convert him to the dreaded Spuds. It fills him with utter shame to admit it, but ESM’s dad is a season ticket holder at White Hart Lane, a fact that can never be repeated in polite company.

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Although he made regular visits to Upton Park and also followed the Hammers away from time to time, it was only ESM Jnr’s (Jack Hughes) sixth birthday in 1998 which created the perfect pretext for the purchase of two season tickets. The divorce from the missus also helped as well as she was about as impressed with football as ESM was about the sale of Jermain Defoe to Tottenham.

Rejecting the crass and vulgar modernity of the new stands, Martin made straight for the East Stand where he felt quite at home with the dilapidation and the retro feel. The squalid facilities there are what football should be about. The thought of the stand being redeveloped fills him with horror and ESM is grateful for the ongoing financial mismanagement of the club by Chairman Terry Brown which prevents the demolition of his spiritual home. In fact, ESM reckons that just about the only endearing feature of Old Man Brown is that he can’t raise the dosh to knock down the East Stand.

Martin has been regularly posting on Kumb.com since the beginning of 2003 when he discovered an outlet for his thoughts about the club. Fortunately the people who run this fine example of the digital age have indulged him for which he is grateful.

The following is a compilation of various original posts made by ESM on KUMB.com since about the Summer of 2003. So what if it’s all been a bit depressing of late? There’s only one West Ham, after all.

You can email ESM at [email protected] or why not come and join the party in the East Stand Upper? ESM and ESM Jnr can be found at seats E201 and E202.

© Martin Hughes, 2004

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A Nightmare on Green Street (25th August, 2003)

This piece was written in the wake of the sacking of Glenn Roeder. Looking back at it now, I reckon I got it just a bit wrong about Iain Dowie. So, I’m not always right.

Forgive me for coming at this a bit late, but I just had to sit down in a darkened room to calm down after the latest chaotic happenings at our club.

The first I heard of it was a text from a mate, with the simple message, “Your club is a complete shambles”. Now given that he’s a Derby fan, you can imagine that this had to be something out of the ordinary.

My first thought was that Defoe had been sold – the more our Chairman says that this will not happen, the more I believe it will – but then I discovered the truth, our manager had finally been given his P45.

Sweet release

Actually, the way that the club had put was that he had been “released”. Strange terminology that. Almost like they had taken Roeder off like some aged pet for that final visit to the vet. Or maybe like they had let him out of jail. Incarcerated in the hell hole that is the Green Street top security prison. Sweet freedom at last, out of the clutches of the evil Governor. I wish him luck on the outside.

Those that follow my disparate ravings will know that I had implored our illustrious Chairman to act and dispense with Roeder’s services a long time ago. By my calculations, the “release” has in fact come 8 months, three weeks and a day too late. Or something like that.

The day I am thinking of is December 3rd 2002 in the wake of that last minute defeat by Southampton at home, the tenth home game of last season without a win, when we were floundering in 20th position in the Premiership.

That was the time to act. The time when there were enough games left to try and turn it around. The time when there were a few qualified managers in the job market. The time when we still had the nucleus of one of the best squads in recent memory. The same time, in fact, when Middlesbrough had enough sense to deal with their managerial inadequacies and show Robbo the door.

But no. We had to wait another eight months and literally suffer the spectacle of the life blood draining out of our club.

The lethal cocktail

How can we describe what has happened? I see it as a lethal cocktail of incompetence and cowardice.

Incompetence for failing to act and letting the cost of paying off Roeder get in the way of an obvious footballing decision. I’ve said it many times, but we wouldn’t have even had to settle up with Roeder until many months down the line, when I am sure that we would still be enjoying Premiership football.

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This is the core of the problem with Brown. This small-business mentality which is completely lacking in imagination and creativity. Think about what has happened in financial terms over those eight months of inaction. £20 million gone. Prize assets gone. And still we have to pay off our failed manager. No doubt Brown will say – as he has intimated in that nice letter I got from him the other day – that at least we are now have the money to pay off Roeder.

A strange logic that: “Don’t worry, we can now sack our manager as I have sold Joe Cole to be able to pay for it.”

Criminal negligence I call it. Incompetence of the highest order.

But let’s move onto cowardice. It defies belief what has been going on here. Correct me if I’m wrong but this looks like Brown allowing Roeder to continue in his job during the fire sale of our best players. “Don’t worry Glenn, although we’re going to sell some of our best players, your job is safe. We have to stick together for the good of the club”.

No wonder Roeder’s angry. He’s been strung along and sold a lie just like the rest of us and then given the bullet after just three games. As much as I wanted Roeder to go, who can say that there is any logic in the timing now? In fact, it drags my confidence in the Board of the club to a new nadir.

Mr Micawber

If someone could make a case for not sacking Roeder in December 2002 (what I have previously called the Mr Micawber strategy – ‘something will turn up’), what possible justification was there for not dispensing with Roeder’s services at the end of last season? OK, you might argue that this may not have been the most sensitive move given Roeder’s illness. But are you seriously telling me that Roeder feels any better now?

No, what has happened here is that the club has been dragged down into the depths by the loss of 16 professional players. Morale is at an all time low. And now the dirty work has been done, let’s dispense the coup de grace to Roeder. This is yellow-livered cowardice of the worst kind. I don’t like it and it compounds the incompetence that led to his appointment in the first place and the failure to dispense with his services at the most appropriate time.

Under these circumstances, you will forgive me if I don’t engage in some of the celebrations I have seen amongst some supporters since the sacking of Glenn Roeder. I didn’t even raise a smile at the news. OK, maybe an ironic smile.

Would I rather Roeder was still in his job? No. That doesn’t mean that I should sit quietly and let another really crass Board decision go by. This is another act which simply stinks.

You will also recall that one of the reasons why we apparently got Roeder in the first place was that our club wasn’t actually viewed as a model employer by those in the job market. As Roeder himself aptly put it: “I was the last horse standing in the race.”

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Let’s all agree that the events of the last few months haven’t exactly revised the external perception of our club and are unlikely to lead to the appointment of a new manager with the credentials that we need. It also explains in my view why Trevor Brooking – a member of the Board – doesn’t want the job. Take a look at your boss and take a decision: “Do I want to work for this bloke?” No, I’d rather dig peat in the pissing rain on the slopes of Ben Nevis in mid January.

Find a foreigner

The current favourite – Iain Dowie – is probably in the frame as a result of the fact that his own club is in administration. A young manager with a West Ham connection who’s out on a limb at the moment. A match made in heaven. I’ve said it before, but I am fed up with our club appointing on the basis of someone’s love of the club. What’s wrong with recruiting on the basis of qualifications for the job for a change? I’d have an Italian manger with credentials who can’t speak our language and couldn’t point out Upton Park on a tube map rather than an aspiring yet untested manager who happened to spend part of his youth in DM’s in the North Bank. Football has moved on, yet the leadership of our club is still rooted in the 1980’s.

Dowie’s prospective appointment has all the hallmarks of a Roeder or Billy Bonds re-run. If he is appointed, I really hope that it is not a case of “out of the frying pan into the fire”. Or maybe “out of Boundary Park into a nightmare on Green Street”.

I want to remind Mr Brown what he said recently about the West Ham ‘brand’ and how we had to be mindful of this in our dealings. I’ve been in a few brainstorming sessions in advertising agencies where overpaid creatives think about the following question: “How do you think people out there see us now?” Here’s my contribution to the brainstorm on the West Ham United plc brand: a chaotic, incompetent, conniving, misleading, dishonest, parasitical, brutal oligarchy.

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Brown’s Casino Economy (14th November, 2003)

Oxford Fred – another loyal Iron – amazingly made it to 40 so about 12 of us went to Las Vegas, got marmalised and certain of our party spent a king’s ransom in their favourite lap dancing emporium. Whilst away, West Ham threw away a three goal lead at home to West Brom and West Ham United plc published its accounts.

For the last five days or so, I have been bang in the middle of never-never land where time blurs into one and obese Americans stare blankly into slot machines or slump in a stupor as the next hand of black jack is dealt. Yes, my friends, ESM has been in the surreal world of Las Vegas, missing my first home game for three years – fortuitously as it turned out.

I return bleary-eyed to dear old blighty to another bizarre world – the parallel universe that is West Ham United plc - or perhaps we should call it the Brown Casino Economy.

OMB

Apparently, my fellow West Ham fans, according to Old Man Brown (let’s call him OMB for ease of reference), the club’s not doing too badly. Quite nicely actually, considering. And it’s all down to his custodianship.

Spinning faster than the Nevada roulette wheel which left me with just enough for a bag of crisps (or chips as the Yanks inexplicably say) OMB was trumpeting an operating profit of £2.9m, record season-ticket sales, average attendances of 34,200 at Upton Park and a profitable hospitality wing.

What’s more OMB says that if need be he’s set us up nicely to be able to maintain our position in the First Division for the next decade. Ten more years! Ten more years! Fantastic, what a diamond geezer, let’s make OMB Chairman for life, I say. Those carping bastards at the Brown Out campaign should be lined up against a wall in Green Street and whipped to within an inch of their lives with back issues of Hammers News. We are not worthy – all hail OMB!

Yep, you guessed it. Utter bollocks. Or chicken shit as my new found pal from Tennessee said the other night as he got dealt another bum hand.

Chicken Sh*t

The facts are in the latest accounts, and here’s ESM’s rough guide to the OMB chicken shit:

Chicken shit #1: £2.9 million operating profit is something to shout about, is it? Talk about clutching at straws. OK, we did better on match receipts and the prawn sandwich brigade stumped up (don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favour of corporates supporting our club), but the bottom line was that the company actually ended up with losses of £5.3 million after taking into account interest and player trading. Yep, that’s £1.8 million worse than the previous year and adds up to £18.3 million in losses over the past five years;

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Chicken shit #2: An old refrain of mine, and it follows from Brown’s own point – if we were doing OK and at all costs needed to avoid the consequences of relegation (see below), why did we put up with Roeder’s underperformance? OMB makes much of the disaster that has befallen Leeds, but even in the dire position they face, they have actually taken positive action on the managerial front by sacking Reid early enough. One of these days, we’ll get an explanation why OMB sat on his hands – I’m waiting;

Chicken shit #3: The accounts are made up until the 31st of May last year and of course include the £21 million TV pot of gold which has gone down the Swanee River. You can’t see the match receipts, commercial activities and merchandise sales doing anything other than going west now we are in the Nationwide, can you? In the absence of OMB injecting some of his own cash in the company, we all know what that meant to our prize footballing assets – you saw one of them scoring his first goal in a wrong coloured shirt at the weekend and then getting the call from Sven;

Chicken shit #4: The overall debt of the club got worse last year, about 34% worse in fact. In twelve months we went from owing £33 million to £44 million. Makes the operating profit look like errrrr chicken shit;

Chicken Shit #5: This sound financial performance still allowed the Brown Junta to pay themselves a cool £1,020,000 in salaries, fees and pension contributions. OMB’s pay cheque came in at a cool £541,000. Now that ain’t chicken shit.

Some facts for a change

Forgive me if I overstate the case but let’s just think about one or two things for a minute:

We took the drop;

Probably £25 million + has gone down the drain – 50% of our turnover;

We sack our manager at an inexplicable time early in the season;

We sell our prize assets and get left with a depleted squad which has a large number of loan signings;

We consistently deliver poor financial results;

The man at the top acts like a parasite - taking money out rather than put money in;

As a result of this chaos, we will do well to make the Nationwide play offs.

OMB wants you to think he’s doing a good job after all. He’s even got a few gullible journos to spew out his propaganda. Nothing’s changed here. Not a bit. Well, maybe something has – the sheer bare-faced audacity OMB has actually gone even further into overdrive.

One last thought from Las Vegas: this is a town that is in constant renewal. It moves with the times. It ushers in the new when the old ways and thinking have had their day. It’s dynamic. It’s the inverse of our football club.

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The Claret and Blue Revolution (6th December, 2003)

In the run-up to the 2003 West Ham United plc 2003 AGM I got a bit carried away with revolutionary rhetoric. Still, all revolutions have to start somewhere. Unfortunately the East End Czar is still in the Winter Palace.

My friends, I say that Monday is the day that will be the beginning of the end for the gangster regime that is running our club. I do not expect the forces of light to prevail at the West Ham United plc AGM but all revolutions begin in small ways.

Remember those students who laid down in front of the tanks in Tiananmen Square. Remember those that took hammers to the Berlin Wall. Remember those that pulled down the statues of Sadam.

The three types that run English football

I had a chat the other day with a leading sports journalist and discussed my theory on the people that own or run football clubs. I see three types:

The oligarchs; The sugar daddies; The leisure businesses.

The sugar daddies are the super rich individuals that weigh in and put their money where there mouths are. As much as it pains me to even mention the word Tottenham, Alan Sugar was an example of the genus. Opinions are still mixed about Sugar amongst the Spurs fans I know, but let's face it, he did shell out his own cash.

The biggest sugar daddy of all is Abramovic, although he is closely followed by Al Fayed. Maybe Leeds might join in with their Sheikh, although he seems a little less able to dish the dosh. Let's face it, they may be often questionable individuals with murky business backgrounds and they have their baggage, but who can say that they have not been good for both the clubs they are financing.

The leisure businesses are run by people who in many ways are detached from the emotion of running football clubs. But they are astute in their dealings, are run on professional lines and follow sound principles of corporate governance. Charlton is a club that springs to mind here and what I would give to be like Charlton in this regard.

The oligarchs are the dregs of the industry. They are outdated, outmoded personal fiefdoms that rely on the loyalty of fans. If they were in control of any other business they would not survive as their customers would simply tell them to get stuffed. They have bad corporate governance and appalling public relations. Their PR consists of saying "no comment" or issuing rambling, often patronising statements. They also tend not to have their hands in their pockets when finance is required and are essentially parasitical in conduct, paying themselves inflated salaries and perks. They are West Ham and Newcastle.

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Dictators never prosper in the long run

I have a theory that says that in the long-run these oligarchs cannot survive. They have too many internal contradictions. They have the seeds of their own downfall. They cannot continue to duck and dive and asset strip.

The AGM on Monday is not about toppling the corrupt regime which runs our club. It is about taking that first hammer (if you will excuse the pun) to the crumbling edifice that is the Brown Junta. I find it very encouraging in many ways that Brown has put this 'poison pill' of a two year pay off if he is sacked from his position. It takes a poisonous person to use the poison pill, but it does indicate to me that he can see the beginning of the end.

It's not a lot different to the way that corrupt dictators have salted away money in foreign banks to provide for themselves when the people throw them out. Yes, my friends, Terry Brown is the Ferdinand Marcos or the Nicolae Ceaucescu of English football.

Brown will roll out his votes on Monday like some trade union baron with a block vote - although at least the trade union barons actually pay for the privilege of having that vote, year in year out. But, my friends, do not be downhearted when he wins on Monday. It will be a pyrrhic victory.

Viet-Ham

Ho Chi Minh once said: "Out of the snows and cruelty of winter, comes the warmth of the Spring". Or words to that effect. On Monday we will still be in the depths of winter, but I am beginning to detect a ray or two of sun.

What we must all realise though, that it will require more than Whistle to topple the regime. I support Whistle and I have tried to help their cause in a modest way, but it requires a fans revolt to push Brown over the edge.

All of us need to recognise that we the fans have a lot in common with Abramovic. We and the Russian gangster saved West Ham last summer. The difference between us is that the Russian has gone (with two of the best players I have ever seen at Upton Park) and we are still here. When Brown praises the loyalty of the fans, it makes me sick to my stomach. He is taking the piss. He is playing on our loyalty, smugly sitting their in that Directors' Box coining in £10 grand a week. Without us he is nowhere.

The claret and blue revolution

This is where I started. Revolutions succeed often despite the existence of democratic structures where change can be effected. They had no democracy in East Germany, but they got rid of their leaders. Let's call it a fans' revolt, because that is what is required.

There's one New Year resolution that we all should make: "This year I am going to voice my non-violent opposition to Brown and his cronies". He has a skin thicker than a rhino, but he will not survive if we all keep up the fight. Do not fall prey to the argument that such a campaign will affect the performances on the pitch. This is Brown propaganda, playing on all the loyalty that we have to our club. We cannot allow this man to continue in the long term and we must make his life as difficult as possible. Celebrate our wins but do not remain silent about Brown. He will cave in my friends, believe me.

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And when that glorious day arrives, I will join you all at the gates of the Boleyn Ground, celebrating the victory of the claret and blue revolution.

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West Ham 3 v Sunderland 2 (13th December, 2003)

This was a match where we managed to turn around a disastrous start and we were all trying to work out what Wayne Quinn was doing in a West Ham shirt. I hear that he’s now playing non-league football in Cornwall. The match followed a poor result at home a few days earlier when we lost 0-1 to Stoke.

3.48 p.m. Saturday. I look at ESM Jnr and he looks at me. Speechless the two of us. The bloke sitting next to me has his head in his hands and it wasn’t just the aftermath of his office party the night before.

At the beginning of this game I was expecting a reaction from the team after Tuesday’s dire display. So much so, I had bought a spread bet of West Ham’s superiority at 0.7 over at £50 a goal. Here we were at half time and I was £135 down. I was wondering what had led me to believe that we could bounce back.

After the Stoke game, I posted my team to beat Sunderland. One key player that was not to feature under any circumstances was Quinn. Another that had to be on the pitch from the start was Deadly Don. Horlock slotting back into the defensive line and Etherington, Mullins and Don in midfield. Connors behind the front two of Marlon and Defoe

Pardew almost took up my idea but there was Quinn again and no Hutch. Why? I still don’t know why. Can someone tell me why? I do not understand why Quinn is even in the vicinity of E13, let alone on the pitch.

Hutch is up for it

2-0 down and I get a text message from a mate who couldn’t make the game. How bad is it? he asked. My reply was that although it was not good, it was not as bad as on Tuesday and that I had a feeling that a goal from West Ham early on might just turn the game. Just call me Mystic Martin.

What really turned the game was the arrival of Hutch. Just like on Tuesday, the bloke was up for it. Winning balls in the air, sliding in to make ball-winning tackles, urging the team on. He has an effect on the team and appears to have made his mind up that he isn’t gonna put up with the Nationwide for any longer than the minimum of this season. If he doesn’t start from the outset against Walsall, I want to know why. He looks fit enough to me to last a full 90, we must start with him.

In fact, I’ll go further. Make Hutch the Captain. He has the right attitude for the job. Dailly has lost the right to that armband and Tommy Repka will tell you why. Tom’s in trouble on the touchline yet where’s the skipper to intervene on his behalf with the ref? Nowhere in sight. If you can’t back up your team mates, particularly one that is giving 100% to the cause, then what’s the point of being captain?

Pearcey. What is going on? Nice goal mate (although unmissable), but you look totally unsure of yourself at the back. What was that effort of a half-header that gifted them the first goal? You got to get it together, pal.

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Marlon – strangely subdued again. Does he know where’s he’s playing? He looks confused to me. The right move again by Pardew to swap him for Deano, who immediately creates havoc with a flick on that leads to the first goal. This looks a bit like the set up with Sir Les and Defoe last season. It works for me. Connors – I take my hat off to you. Just stay in that same position and keep playing the way you do. I have noticed that playing behind the front two means that you are always looking to pass the ball and then move. Much more natural than at the outset of the season when it was a constant row for the ball with Jermain. Carry on that way, pal.

Three reasons not to sell Defoe

Defoe – we must refuse to sell. I’m not listening to any more crap about there only being 18 months left on his contract so we’d better cash in. Utter bollox. First, we knew that 4 months ago when we had the fire sale that Mr Paul Aldridge said would never happen. What’s so different 4 months down the line? If that was the intention, then we should have held on to Magic Johnson. Second, if anyone has knocked the price down, it’s the Chairman playing amateur psychiatrist last Monday. Third, Defoe has proved once again that he is the only player we have left with the craft to create something out of nothing.

To me, it’s simple. Keep Defoe and give the club a fighting chance. Sell him, and I’ll tell you Mr Brown who isn’t right in the f***ing head. Listen to some commercial sense for a change. Take a hit on the sale price if we fail to go up or he still wants to go following promotion. How much will we really lose by doing this?

I know what we will lose if we do sell – the only real chance of getting about £20 million from Sky and sponsorship. It looks to me that we are only probably gambling £3-4 million on getting 20 back. Listen to me, Terry. If you have any integrity or business acumen at all left just say no for once in your life.

No-one else is going to turn around a £135 deficit into a £15 profit in the way that Defoe did for me on Saturday. Believe me, we won’t even make the play-offs without him. I’m simply not prepared to take a chance on the promise of a replacement striker with the proceeds. We’ve already suffered enough change in the team, it’s time to settle down and consolidate.

Further change at the top

And another thing. I am struggling to understand why Goddard is still in the picture. Whatever happened to the usual practice of a managerial clean sweep? In with the new, out with the old. I heard the man for Goddard’s job speak on Talksport today on the way to ESM Jnr’s football match.

He’s a Conference manager who told his team to meet him for training on Monday morning at Marble Arch and then got them to change in full view of the passing traffic before having a five-a-side session under the arch. Step forward Mr Martin Allen. Mad Dog, we need you back at your spiritual home. What a duo we would have then. Mr Calm and Mr Mad (although Pardew ain’t exactly been calm himself lately and who can blame him).

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West Ham 1 Ipswich 2 (26th December, 2003)

This was the game when I think we all realised that the play-offs were the best we could hope for.

ESM Jnr and I, full of Xmas spirit in the car on the way to Upton Park:

ESM: “This match is a massive one for us, if we lose we can only hope for the play-offs.”

ESM Jnr: “Don’t worry, they got well beaten by Norwich. Surely the team’s got to be up for this one?”

ESM: “When was the last time you saw a truly convincing West Ham win?”

ESM Jnr: “Can’t think of one this season, although I did miss the Wigan game. Maybe when we beat Spurs last year at Upton Park?”

ESM: “Fancy going to Wigan to see the FA Cup game?”

ESM Jnr: “Well, I haven’t missed an FA Cup tie for 5 years, but errrr, it’s a long way up there and I’ve got a big game on the following day.”

ESM: “OK, let’s give that one a miss then, anyway I really couldn’t give a stuff about the FA Cup – it’s all about the league now…”

Taking the toll

This conversation perhaps reflects the pessimism and apathy of two somewhat obsessive supporters who will never give up the claret and blue but are feeling somewhat wounded by the team they love. I couldn’t imagine having such a conversation last year, but relegation; the loss of key players (ESM: Who’s your favourite player? ESM Jnr: Errrrr…..); underperformance in the Nationwide; and the continued mismanagement at the top are all taking their toll.

The game against Ipswich in many ways summed up these feelings. Once again, although we seemed to have the game by the scruff of the neck, we were never really in control. Yet another illusory performance. Once again we got nowhere near re-capturing the team spirit which has been absent for so long.

Don’t get me wrong, Pardew’s saying all the right things, but the bloke is clearly exasperated. He’s beginning to wonder why what worked at Reading isn’t delivering the goods in the East End. He finds himself working with a team that’s been thrown together that does not want to work as a unit. One point in the game that summed this up was when Tomas Repka got booked. I know James (the captain) has to stay in goal, but where were at least one or two of our players backing him up as he faced the ref?

Barry ‘Slaphead’ Knight

So we could complain about the ref. All Spaniards have a genetic disposition to go down like a sack of sh*t in the box and it looked dodgy to me. ESM Jnr, who despite his passion for West Ham is a little more objective, said that he thought Horlock blundered in and gave Counago the chance to go down. He played for it, he said.

EAST STAND MARTIN’S XMAS ANNUAL 2004 16 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND

It was Knight who reffed the Wimbledon game as well (another game ESM Jnr and I had the misfortune to attend), and I thought he had an iffy game there. One of the main mistakes he made was not to send Horlock off (2nd yellow) when he made a tackle that was about a year too late. Maybe the penalty today was his way of putting that to rights.

I also thought the booking of Carrick for diving (which in turn led to the free kick which led to the 2nd Ipswich goal) also looked questionable. Part of the problem of being down in the Nationwide is that you don’t get to see these incidents again from all angles. It is a testament to where we are that Sky’s coverage I saw this morning – maybe they have showed it later - didn’t even show the key fouls that led to both Ipswich goals. They can’t be bothered, because let’s face we aren’t even in the play-off zone at the moment.

Tactics

Quite frankly, the tactics did not do a great deal for me. Mullins in the back four? Does he know where he’s supposed to play? Clearly he doesn’t like playing there. Quinn starting again? OK, he may have played a little better than of late, but the bloke is a fundamental liability. No Hutch on from the start? OK, he didn’t look the best when he did come on, but I would still start him every time and I would give him the captain’s armband as well. Connors off as well? OK, we were 1-0 up at the time and we had to think about the Forest game, but it was clear that we needed someone out there who can battle, particularly as the game was far from won. Stockdale on for Horlock as we went 2-1 down? And the point of that was? Mellor on with two minutes to go? Too little, too late. Surely if Deano had been on the bench, Pardew would have brought him on immediately after we had conceded the first goal?

Carrick. Should he be starting at the moment? I think not. There’s something really wrong there. Maybe he knows he’s on his way in January. Maybe he’s got problems off the pitch. I don’t know why he’s so poor, but he’s simply not performing. Come back Steve Lomas, all is forgiven. As someone said next to me very loudly at one point “Carrick, get tackling”.

Maybe all the tactical dilemmas really reveal is that the root problem is that we do have too few options on the bench and in the squad. I’m going to say this one last time, though. Sofiane – what is going on there? Someone elaborate will they? Surely, he’s got to be worth a try?

And for all you Paolo detractors, did you see the Italian on The Premiership last night? Pure and utter quality, particularly the way he turned Terry in the box before slotting the ball over. It reminded me of that glorious day at Stamford Bridge last season. I can still see the Chelscum fan with his head in his hands in the fish and chip shop on the way back to the tube. This is what we are missing. Do you realise that the only player we have on the pitch that comes close to that level of trickery and skill from wide positions or the edge of the box is Matty Etherington? How do you feel now?

Mr Angry lets rip

I was intrigued by Pardew’s post match analysis. The guy was angry, sure, but was the logic a little muddled? “To buy, I have to sell, and no-one is performing well enough at the moment”.

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So, the first effect that has is that those players that could be sold have just had quite a lot of money taken off the asking price. Maybe, that’s a clever Pardew double bluff. £10 million for Defoe? You are joking. Manure offered £5.5 million for Saha. What is Defoe going to command? Who would you want to buy, Saha or Defoe?

Secondly what if we do sell? I see the problem as lack of team cohesiveness. Will bringing in new players on the back of sales deliver people who want to play for the shirt and the team? Who will actually want to come and join us that is of real quality?

No, you may not like what you’ve got, but we brought you in Alan because you have a track record of delivering teams that work as a unit and perform above their individual abilities as a consequence. I’m for not selling anyone at all, although it does pain me to say that if Carrick went I would not be hugely devastated.

And now the good news

But now I should name my player of the day. Patrick Berger. In the depths of depression, I have got to say that you brought a little ray of sunlight into the lives of ESM and ESM Jnr. You may recall that I recently visited Shite Hart Lane to see them lose to Boro’ in the Carling Cup. The mutterings of the Tottscum fickledom were music to my ears and I did ask if there was any way of bottling ‘Essence of Spurs whine’.

You will be pleased to hear that ESM will shortly be offering a tonic for all West Ham fans. It will be a compilation CD of Spurs fans calling Talk Sport. I got my first recordings last night and they were simply top drawer. Whenever you are feeling a little down, ESM’s CD will put you back on the straight and narrow. I’m thinking of calling it “Fine Whine from Chateau Sp*rs”. Maybe you can come up with a better title. I’m all ears.

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Nottingham Forest 0 West Ham 2 (28th December 2003)

Jermain’s career in the claret and blue was drawing to a close and as much as today, I still have that hope that the Spuds will take the drop.

As the game was live on Sky, today seemed the perfect day to pay a little visit to Oxford Fred to watch the game in the company of a fellow Hammer. He turned up, bless him, in his 1960’s replica shirt with a very large Bobby Moore No. 6 on the back.

What did we learn today from the West Ham performance? Well, here’s a few brief observations:

1. The team looked like they had decided to try and make amends for Boxing Day. From the outset they had a much more positive and determined approach to the game. The Pardew “toys out of the pram” seemed to have done the trick;

2. Matty Etherington had another good game. I will not listen to those who have been critical of him, because although he struggled when he first joined us, I happen to think that he is giving us something really important with these darting runs down the wing. The first goal was created by such a run and a quality cross;

3. I am now beginning to feel for Connors. He clearly thrives on goals and it just aint happening for him, although who can question his work rate? I like the bloke purely for the commitment he puts in;

4. Quinn? Don’t start me on that again. He is the weakest link. I am fearful every time he gets the ball in our own box. He also makes an art form of passing the ball to the opposition. I have to confess that I received a sharp admonition from the innkeeper when I could not suppress a cry of “Why don’t you f**k off back to Newcastle” at one point in the game;

5. James – the kicking and some routine takes were simply not up top scratch. It looks like his mind is elsewhere. Maybe a move is on the cards? Or maybe he’s just been too much on his Play Station again?

6. Repka – definite Hammer of the Year to date. As Hutch is not getting the starts from Pardew and didn’t even come off the bench today, I reckon it’s time to give Tomas the Captain’s armband;

7. Andy Reid – I would love to see him wearing the claret and blue;

8. I don’t care what anybody says, DEFOE MUST STAY. Once again he was the difference, although we never truly had the game in the bag until that second goal. Maybe this will be the last time we see him in a West Ham shirt, but I am just hoping that Terry Brown might just say no for once in his life;

9. Carrick – still not cutting the mustard for me;

10. Marlon – this boy is quick and he really looked up for it today. Nice poacher’s goal.

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And one final thought. The day of reckoning is approaching. I have been waiting 7 long months already for vengeance. I remember exactly what was said by all you Tottscum fans the day we went down. Look at the absolute shambles now which is your team. Down in the bottom three, with a massive game at Elland Road approaching. I think that they have the look of resignation about them. They are doomed, doomed I tell you.

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West Ham 1 Preston 2 (10th January 2004)

This was one of those days when you know the game’s going to go the wrong way because the signs are not good. It was like the time a couple of seasons ago when a pigeon sh*t on me on the way to Shite Hart Lane and we lost in the last minute. The worst thing about that game was that I was down one end and the old man was down the other and we came in the same car. I got the train back.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a particularly superstitious character. This stems from a time when I went to see Gypsy Rose Lee on the front at Blackpool and she told me that I would be lucky in love. Subsequent events proved that the old crone was a five star charlatan.

But I do find that when West Ham are not playing well and I’m hoping for something better, I wake up on a Saturday morning looking for hopeful signs as to the likely outcome of the game.

Yesterday, I awoke feeling none too bad. I thought that maybe today could be that elusive kick start to the season that we’ve all been looking for. After all, we had won the last two games and here was a real opportunity to put ourselves in a strong position amongst the play-off contenders.

The writing was on the wall

The next couple of hours in the run-up to kick off my confidence began to ebb away.

The first sign was that inevitable point when ESM Jnr’s brains were picked as to the outcome of the game. “Not confident today”, he said. Why? I asked. “Well, Preston have only lost 1 in 14 and our home form is absolutely rubbish.”

Sign number two came on the way to the game, when I decided to nip into COSTCO in Chingford. You may know this veritable cave of wonders, which sits astride the North Circular Road. Alright inside, but I return to my beloved Panzer in the car park to find that some c**t has hit it and duly f**ked off. But lo, a fine upstanding citizen has remained to tell me the number plate of this lowlife ar*ewipe. What could this mean? Is it a bad sign or a good sign? OK, my car’s got a new racing stripe, but at least this geezer’s stuck around to help me sort it out.

I’m still contemplating that one as I approach my favoured programme seller at the rear of the East Stand. I am frozen in my tracks as I look down to take the programme out of his hand and get a full frontal gaze from Beelzebub himself, grinning up at me from the front page of Hammers News. Like Medusa, once you have looked into Brown’s baleful eyes, you lose all hope.

The programme seller clocked my horror, and all I could jibber was “I’d better take a copy of Hammers News, just to see what the Dark Lord is saying.” He replied, “Well, at least you can use that front cover as a dart board afterwards.” Nice riposte, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

Next bad sign. The team sheet. It’s that dynamic duo again or the Chuckle Brothers as I call ‘em: Quinn and Stockdale. But at long last, we actually start with Donaldo. Stockdale I can put up with, but Quinn? When Horlock is available? Why Alan? Just tell me why?

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We’re doomed

The opening 15 minutes reveals that the game is going to be difficult to call. Hutch is everywhere, even hoofing over his own bar at close range. But the ominous signs of defensive frailty down the flanks are shown as Cresswell becomes the latest wide man to discover that Quinn can’t defend to save his life. At the other end, Connors appears to get into a good position one on one with the last defender but can’t convert.

Incidentally, I do not condone the booing of any West Ham player as he leaves the pitch and Quinn should not be treated like that. But do I think he should be starting the game? No I don’t.

Preston go close again twice more until out of the blue we score. James delivers an excellent throw to Etherington who just leaves ‘em for dead. Sweet cross and a lovely little jink from Connors.

But even amongst this jubilation, I just had to utter the immortal words to ESM Jnr “This is far from won, remember Ipswich”. The events of the day flashed past me again and I could not get out of my mind those Satanic eyes of the Chairman burning into the depths of my very soul. If Fraser from Dad’s Army had tapped me on the shoulder and said, “We’re doomed, doomed I tell ye”, I would not have been surprised.

The demons from hell

And so it proved. We came out well enough in the second half and ESM Jnr said to me that he thought that we were actually playing as a team for a change. Etherington could have scored, but all the demons of hell came out of the depths of Hades on the hour when we conceded the first goal. Quite frankly, the team looked like I felt when transfixed by the evil eyes of Old Man Brown. They turned to stone.

Quite frankly Preston should have had more. Cresswell was wreaking havoc down the left and Pearcey in particular looked like he had taken a slow motion pill. As for Fuller, well, I can’t recall a striker going down so often like a sack of sh*t this season at Upton Park. I have to say that I thought Dailly dealt with him quite well and I did say to ESM Jnr that Fuller was falling all over the place because this was the first time that he had come up against an international class central defender this season. ESM Jnr did not look too convinced by that.

The fact of the matter is that we simply do not seem to be able to build on a lead at home and go into confidence melt down when we concede. From a position where the likes of Carrick and Mullins were pretty much in control in midfield, we didn’t even seem to be able to even get the ball for about fifteen minutes. Matty went missing as well. Their second was absolutely no surprise.

To give Pardew some credit, he did try to throw the kitchen sink in, although I think I would have left Hutch on. Despite the fact that he was tiring, he really is one of the few players we have with the touch to turn a game. His close ball control is really brilliant.

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Defoe, or not Defoe, that is the question

The problem was that the substitutions did absolutely nothing for us. I barely noticed Deano do a thing when he came on for the last 20 minutes. Super sub? All that seemed to be happening was that the Preston defenders were winning everything in the air. Maybe he’s still trying to shrug off injury. As for Mellor, he did come on too late to make a difference, but I am of the opinion anyway that we should be buying him a train ticket back to Merseyside.

Marlon, that bloke is a conundrum. He is a Jekyl and Hyde player. One week turning on the pace and leaving people for dead, the next looking languid and lethargic. Is it unfair to call him Heskey in disguise? Time will tell and you can’t take away from him the amount of goals he has scored for his two clubs this season.

Connors. Look, I like the energy and the commitment of the man, but he’s no Defoe. Where Defoe does not take the touch in the box and just shoots, Connors does take that touch. I am not going to go through all the arguments I have made in the KUMB Forum why I think we must keep Defoe until at least the end of the season, but for me this game exemplified why we must retain his services.

The reality is – and let’s all accept this now – is that an automatic promotion place has slipped beyond our grasp. Maybe if everyone looks at it that way, the pressure might lessen a bit. The playoffs are there for the taking, but we must all recognise that we are likely to be up against the Prestons of this world in some tough high-tension games. We need Defoe to give us the best chance of prevailing when we hopefully face them in the Spring.

On the way back from the game, I popped in to see the gentlemen of the constabulary. We may have lost the game, but I was gonna get the scumbag that hit my car and did a runner. The lady constable was reassuring – “I’m sure that we will get the person that did this. You can cheer up a bit.” I was miles away, stared at her blankly and said, “What, you mean that you are going to arrest Terry Brown? Beware, the Dark Lord has many mysterious powers, just don’t look at his eyes, for he will destroy you.”

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Sheffield United 3 West Ham 3 (17th January 2004)

This was the game when Bywater got his chance and Jon Harley scored a fantastic goal on his debut. Unfortunately it all went tits up in the final minute in true West Ham style.

Tonight in desperation, I have been onto the National Schizophrenic Fellowship website to see what advice can be given about a split personality football team.

Not only was the first half performance by a West Ham team that no-one would recognise if they had only attended home games this season; but the second half was yet another team again.

Apparently strictly speaking this is not split personality, this is multiple personality disorder. The only problem is that it’s me that’s on the medication trying to get over it.

Here comes the chopper man

But if we play as a different team home and away as well as a different team in different halves, I’m also struggling to keep up with the personnel as well. God knows how many different players and formations we’ve had this season, but you can’t tell me that all this chopping and changing is doing us a lot of good. If Ranieri is the tinker man, then Pardew must be the chopper man.

Incidentally, while we’re on choppers – did you know that Raleigh is to start producing the Chopper once again? I had one of these great bikes in the 1970’s although some scumbag (probably a Spu*s fan) nicked it. I did hear however that the new Chopper will not have the trademark centre gear stick console, apparently for safety reasons. I only recall going over the top of my Chopper’s handlebars once and that was due to the brakes not the gear stick. Some health and safety do-gooder has ruined a classic bike.

Who’s playing this week?

Anyway, back to the game. It’s actually getting confusing, and unless you follow the team closely you could well get caught out down the pub watching the game. “Who’s that playing left wing-back for West Ham?” you may get asked by an interested bystander. “Errrrm, I dunno. It certainly aint the geezer that was playing there last week.”

Here’s a somewhat sobering thought – Dailly was the only player on the pitch tonight that actually finished the game against Birmingham away when we got relegated. We all knew that relegation would mean changes, but had we ever realised it would be like this?

It’s so disheartening to suffer such a lack of continuity and see so many players leave. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect anything different when we have a board like ours, but the problem is that I get the feeling that the chopper man has unfinished work.

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Oh sh*t, I’m on

The first image of the game was of a rabbit in the headlights. You can imagine what he was thinking, “I’ve been waiting years for the chance to take this goalkeeping jersey, but shit, I wasn’t quite expecting it happening right now.” You could only feel for the bloke, but in fact he was to acquit himself reasonably well. But more of that later.

The first goal for the Blades came early on when we got caught out down our left side. You cannot imagine my joy when I heard that Quinn hadn’t even made the 16 man squad, but the same frailty down that side seemed to be immediately exploited. Here we go again I thought.

Quality down the left at last

But wait, who’s this quality left wing back who’s linking up brilliantly with Matty Etherington? It’s the boy Harley. Almost his first run created a goal, but Connors did not have the touch in the box.

While we’re on Connors, I remain of the opinion I expressed after the Preston Game – he does not have anything like the quality of Defoe. This was shown again on 15 minutes when instead of shooting from just outside the box, he inexplicably angled a pass to the left. Defoe would have shot without a doubt; maybe it’s just a confidence thing.

But if Connors is no Defoe (and let’s face it, there are few anywhere that match Jermain’s quality), he has got to be one of the hardest working players we have on the pitch. If he’s had a spat with Pardew, then there’s absolutely no sign of that spilling over into his attitude which is never say die. I applaud him for this.

It was Connors who also made the brilliant first time pass to Carrick for our first goal. Carrick finished very well and he really did need that, having been goal-less since May of last year. In fact for a lot of the game, Carrick was to show signs of his old self, I only hope that he can now do the same at home, because it’s been very disappointing to watch him this season.

But it was down the left where things were really looking good. Etherington was causing havoc and then step up Harley with a really incisive run and fantastic curling shot into the top left hand corner which left Kenny rooted to the spot. That has got to be West ham goal of the season to date.

Harewood – the jury is still out

If Harley had only driven up the M1 the night before to join the team in the hotel, he was showing no signs of being jaded. It was another great ball from him through to Etherington who then put over an inch-perfect cross to Harewood who made a difficult finish look easy. 3 – 1, who is this team? I could scarcely believe my eyes.

Although this was a great finish, I have to say that I am still not totally convinced by Harewood. His performance was pretty much the way I saw it in the Preston game – for long periods you hardly noticed him on the pitch. It’s all a bit too languid for my liking and I still say that for a big bloke he struggles to win many balls in the air.

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We were coasting it at half time, but you knew even then that the game was probably far from over. The terrible fact that 23 points have gone begging this season from winning positions is always lurking in the background. That, believe it or not, is the worst record in the entire football league. Imagine where we’d be today if we weren’t schizoid West Ham.

What was needed was a nice quiet 15 minutes of the first half and I’m sure as I can be that this was what Pardew was saying in the dressing room.

It seemed to be working, even though Dailly was making a good job of helping the opposition out with an awful challenge on the edge of the box. Etherington was still looking a threat and his willingness to take people on gave me the hope that we might get a fourth.

Ferdinand fouled and fouls up

But a further goal was always going to be crucial, and unfortunately it fell to Sheffield. Warnock in fact made a great tactical change by bringing on Shaw – who looked a threat from the outset - and he squeezed home from close range. The replay showed that there was a clear foul on Ferdinand – he got kicked somewhere near shoulder height, but Durkin seemed uninterested. I’ll forgive him for that as he remains my favourite ref – mainly for two performances he made at Old Trafford when we went and won.

Up until that point Ferdinand had enjoyed a fairly solid game. I’m not a great fan of his, and the boy is always going to be in the shadow of Rio, which means that sometimes he gets judged harshly. However, what followed next showed why I have doubts about him as he made an appallingly naïve attempted tackle as Peschisolido was actually running towards the corner flag. Cast iron penalty.

I had little hope that Bywater would even get a sniff, but he actually made a stunning save. He guessed the right way and his hand was very strong to block a powerful shot. Surely this was a sign?

As earlier on in the half, Etherington was still proving to be a menace down the flank. He made one great run that surely would have sealed the match had he passed to one of the three waiting West Ham players in the box. A second good chance after a terrific through ball, but this ended in a weak shot as he had no passing options.

Matty looked spent and this probably explained why Pardew took him off. I have to say that I would have left him on, as he has got to be the best man to run it into the corners to waste time. Pardew thought different.

It was end to end stuff, but we were now defending for our lives. We looked incredibly edgy at set pieces and Bywater made yet another superb save to deny Sturridge at short range with three minutes to go.

“Ooops my lace is undone….”

It looked won, but then the fourth official decided that there was to be four extra minutes. Bywater tried his best to run down the clock by tying up his boot laces, which sent the Blades’ fans behind the goal into a frenzy, but we then failed to take the ball up to the opposition’s corner flag. The ball got delivered back from a free kick by Kenny which ended in a corner and then a goal where three West Ham defenders on the line couldn’t deal with a ball coming in. Bywater didn’t even get near the ball and was left in no-man’s land.

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So, we can now say that 25 points have been spurned this season from winning positions and once again we witnessed two West Hams on the park. One, playing great one touch football with considerable pace and penetration; another looking ragged and susceptible to any half decent delivery from a set piece. At least we can say that when we were good, we were very good and that when we were bad, we were not as bad as we have been this season.

Unfortunately, its points that win prizes. On the other hand, we still look good for the playoffs, but as you all know in your hearts, that depends on keeping Defoe. OK, so some of you don’t think I’m wrong. I can tell you that I’ve never been in two minds about that, unfortunately I do detect that Mr Pardew’s gone a bit schizo on Defoe. Time will tell.

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Wolves 1 West Ham 3 (FA Cup, 25th January, 2004)

This was probably the finest away performance since relegation and we got to meet a Wolves fan whose hatred of West Brom is probably unmatched in the western world.

Whoever said that the Black Country is a miserable place has got it all wrong. It’s a great place. In fact, it is currently my favourite spot in the whole country.

I felt good about this one on the way up, despite ESM Jnr’s caution – although he did say “At least this one’s away from home, as we’re rubbish at home”. Oxford Fred was in fine form. He had only been able to attend two previous matches this season, but both had been wins for West Ham. He saw no reason why this was not going to be a third.

Approaching Wolverhampton from the South, Fred saw a sign for the Black Country Museum. “I bet there's not many light switches on display in there”, he quipped. We also enjoyed another sign for the ‘Black Country Urban Forest’. It looked like a dozen manky Christmas trees surrounded by razor wire to me. Talk about how to put a positive spin on a pile of sh*te.

But sometimes in life, no matter how good something has been there is always someone is not completely happy. On the way back to after the game, I actually heard a disgruntled West Ham fan on the radio saying that he wished we had been more entertaining in the second-half. What was that bloke on?

This team will self-destruct in five seconds….

All that was concerning me at half time, was that the West Ham self-destruct button was going to be pressed once again. You wonder if Pardew’s got one of those metal briefcases chained to his wrist marked top secret. Inside you find a big red button with the words “Danger do not press” on it. Clearly lately someone’s having difficulty resisting pressing that button just to see what happens. Maybe it was Goddard.

Anyway, suffice to say that I confess that I uttered the words, which ESM junior has heard on more than one occasion this year: “This match is far from won”.

As it turned out, the second-half became a happy non event. At last West Ham managed not to snatch defeat or a draw out of the jaws of victory. It was crucial that there was no repeat of last week's debacle at Sheffield United. Maybe it’s a seminal point in this roller coaster season. I hope so.

Pace and commitment

The first half, though, was a peach. The motivational powers of Alan Pardew, at last seem to be having an effect, because from the outset every West Ham player looked like they were up for it. Hardly had we settled into our seats, when Deano conjured up a brilliant goal following excellent work down the wing by Marlon.

I have been a bit critical of Marlon's work rate of late, but today, he really turned it on. Fiery pace down the wing and great trickery, which Wolves simply could not handle. Coupled with the Matty’s pace down the other wing we looked unstoppable. Fantastic stuff.

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The second goal came as no surprise, as we were really dictating the game. Maybe my criticism of Marlon has been unjustified, because, although arguably the work rate has been lacking the goals haven't.

Maybe Marlon has been watching Connors. What an absolutely superb masterclass in commitment. Once again, putting real meaning into the phrase “playing for the shirt”.

Running the show in the middle was the Michael Carrick that we all know and love. I actually think after going missing for a long time, he's back. Not only is he making his presence felt by winning the ball in and around the centre circle, but he is striking some sublime passes out to the wings.

Defensive frailty again

I have got to admit that I felt the Grim Reaper tapping me on the shoulder when they got it back to 2-1. The problem is that their goal, when it came underlined again the principal problem that we have. Week defensive positions down the flanks at the back.

Harley was the culprit in not clearing our lines properly, but prior to this you felt that he was often in too advanced a position. We all like to see free-flowing attacking football, but not at the expense of leaving vast parts of the park unprotected. The bloke behind me said that “Harley doesn't know how to defend”. He also said that Ferdinand looked out of position on a number of occasions and I think he had a point. Developing positional sense comes with maturity, and that is something that Anton clearly has to work on.

But it was our pace again, that did the damage. Jenny, an old friend of ours who is a mad Wolves fan said after the game that the linesman should have had some sunglasses on as she thought that the third goal was clearly offside. Being at the other end, it was difficult to see. But what I do know is that Connors made a world-class finish. I went mad everybody else, but my jubilation was still tempered by the fear of self-destruction.

But it didn't come, although Wolves squandered a couple of excellent opportunities in the second half. One looked like the miss of the season in front of an open goal after an excellent block by Bywater. The second hit the post after Bywater judged his angles perfectly so that, although the ball was put by him, it didn't go in.

While we are on Bywater, let me say that I have been feeling very uncomfortable watching him in goal. He is always going to struggle to match the aerial presence of James and against Sheffield, he looked extremely nervous. But he is clearly gaining in confidence and today's performance was very encouraging. Let's hope that he goes on to join the West Ham goalkeeping Hall of Fame.

We were not the first

Although it will never rival that 4th Round FA Cup Tie at Old Trafford, today's victory should be seen as a vital boost. Every West Ham fan at Molineux had their own personal party. That “Premier League, your having a laugh” chant to their club anthem and “3 - 1 to the Nationwide” created a fantastic atmosphere.

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After the game we met up with Jenny, for a drink. What you should all know is that the “Premier League you’re having a laugh” chant is sung by away fans every time Wolves are beaten at Molineux. Apparently, the Wolves fans were singing “Champions League, you’re having a laugh” to Liverpool earlier on in the week. Who cares though if it wasn’t original? We all had a great time, singing and jigging around to it, didn't we?

In a local pub afterwards, one of Jenny’s mates was reluctant to talk to us. He was gutted so we all made some allowances, particularly after we discovered that he had refused to take the cheapest mortgage offered to him by a financial adviser, because it came from the West Bromwich Building society.

Now that is what I call a football fan. It makes yours truly look rather hypocritical, since I have recently bought two leather sofas whose product name is ‘The Chelsea’. My defence, your honour is that I did not discover this until I got home, and looked at the order. All I can do is ask for lenience and your understanding.

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West Ham 2 v Rotherham 1 (31st January, 2004)

The new ex-Wimbledon boys were on display at this game, although I now realise I may well have enthused somewhat unjustifiably about Adam Nowland. Meanwhile, we were all awaiting the closure of the transfer window.

The biggest surprise today in this game was at half time. I was queuing up with ESM Junior to get a cup of the £1.10 radioactive sludge that passes for coffee when there was a tap on my shoulder. It was Clive, an old mate who I had first met on Corfu on holiday. A former season ticket holder and long-time Hammers fan, he had been away for a couple years working in Singapore. The first words he uttered to me were: “Don't tell me that you have had to put up with this every week.”

Imagine how strange it must have been for him - a club transformed from one which seemed to have some of the brightest talents in the Premiership to one in which he now barely recognised. The one player that Clive did recognise was in his words, “unrecognisable”– Michael Carrick. He said that he could not believe that Carrick’s distribution had detiorated so much. I replied that in actual fact he’s now playing a bit better and that in comparison, today was not such a bad performance.

Predictable

If the arrival of Clive was a surprise, West Ham - in ESM Junior’s words - was all too predictable. Just like many games at Upton Park this season, we started brightly enough. In fact, we should have taken the lead as early as seven minutes when Connors had a golden opportunity running on to goal with just the keeper to beat. What I am going to say next could also be called ‘ESM predictable’, but I am going to say anyway: Defoe would not have missed that.

Despite this miss, all was well again on 14 minutes when Deano rose like a salmon on the far post from a corner to head home. As one of my East stand friends said when that went in: “Fu*k me a goal from a corner - the last one I saw down here was by David Cross.”

But in true West Ham style, from a position where we were bossing the game, we allowed Rotherham back into it with their first attack on 21 minutes. The ball came over from our traditionally weak left flank and there was a Rotherham player standing unchallenged. Byfield actually have made a very good save to stop the downward header going in but Repka bundled it over the line for an own goal.

The Hammer House of Horror

ESM Junior said he felt Repka should have done better, but he was still clearly groggy from a clash of heads a few minutes before. Repka scares the hell out of me at the best of times, but with that bandage around his head he looked like he had just scaled the walls at Broadmoor. When he finally hangs up his boots, I think he will have a long career in horror movies. Here’s an idea now for Hollywood: Tomas versus Freddy.

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But who goes to Upton Park this season and doesn’t expect to see a goal from the opposition? The last clean sheet was against Wigan at the end of November. Before that it was against Palace at the beginning of October. We just do not seem to be able to stop teams from the lower half of the division scoring against us. Very worrying.

After they scored West Ham was certainly running the show. Rotherham were pretty poor and one wag close to me said that he thought that their winger Richie Barker had “the touch of a rapist”. We had a lot of possession but did not seem to be able to make it matter in the final third of the pitch. Etherington, who is my Hammer of the Year to date, was everywhere, running after every ball and closing down opposing players.

The new boy Reo-Coker looked good as well. It struck me that he uses his body very effectively and won a number of good tackles. I wonder as well if Connors was playing a little too deep? It seemed to me that he was not far enough up the pitch to take advantage of the flicks from Deano.

But the main weakness remains our vulnerability down the left flank. Although Rotherham did not really have the capability of punishing us, I am not yet convinced that Harley knows how to defend. He looks good coming forward, but that is not what we really need him to do. On the plus side, we looked far more solid down the other flank with the return of Repka. Ferdinand really makes me nervous at times when the ball gets knocked over the top.

Another surprise

If our first goal surprisingly came from a corner, b*gger me if the second didn’t as well on 58 minutes. Matty put in a quality ball, which Christian Dailly dived onto giving their keeper no chance. While we are on Dailly, I think he had a very solid game today.

Matty carried on in the same vein as the first half with another excellent run and brilliant control in the penalty box, but he blasted wide. Pardew then decided that Marlon was not doing much and decided to take him off rather than take off Deano, who was putting in 100%. I have to say this yet again: Marlon is not doing enough for me at home. Yes, the goals are coming, but the work rate isn't.

The substitution of Marlon gave us the first view of Nowland. I have to say I was impressed. He looks very good on the ball, and managed to thread through a number of good passes. Along with Reo-Coker, he looks an excellent prospect. A couple of very good buys there, Mr Pardew.

Reo-Coker nearly made it a dream debut when after an excellent combination of passes he hit the bottom of the post with a snap shot 8 minutes from the end. We had a great view of it from where we were sitting. Unfortunately, it was never going to go in. At the end of the game Reo-Coker looked like he was walking on air. He is clearly delighted to have joined the club and I reckon he could become a real fans’ favourite. Let’s hope that Old Man Brown doesn’t sell him just when he starts to really shine.

Despite long periods when we seemed to be in control, I had a nagging feeling that it would end up as a draw. We looked very shaky at times, when long throws were launched into our box, but we managed to see it out for a very valuable three points.

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What next?

I am looking forward to the trip up to Bradford next week when I hope we can get another vital win. If there is no 11th hour approach for Defoe, he will be available. We all know that this is bound to create a team selection problem, and there are some that will make the case for starting him on the bench. I think he should start and that either Connors or Marlon should be on the bench. The reason I say this is that Deano deserves to start. This man is a consummate professional that is giving his all to our club and offers the aerial menace that will supply the best finisher that we have. Unfortunately, I think Mr Pardew might not go with that.

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Farewell Jermain (6th February, 2004)

Now this created a lot of argument and a lot of people I once considered as friends – and you are still not forgiven - sided with Brown on the sale of the last true piece of talent left in the team. I have to say that I was actually foaming at the mouth over this one and people are still telling me today to “get over it”. Believe me, I have got over it….well I think I have.

Just before the transfer window opened, I started a debate on the forum of KUMB.com called Defoe Sale = No Sense. My starting point, because I knew that Old Man Brown was salivating at the prospect of cashing in on Jermain, was that there was no sense in a sale.

What followed was a very lively debate -- largely in good humour -- where the main battle lines were drawn between those who wanted him to stay and those who wanted him to go.

Now that the dust has settled, following Monday's rather sordid 11th hour deal with our friends in north London, I am going to state my case one final time. I do accept that it is time to move on, but you'll forgive me if I just go through what is a bit of a cathartic exercise.

When it all comes down to it, the debate about Jermain was on two levels. The first level revolved around the commercial wisdom or otherwise of selling now rather than at least holding onto him until the summer. The second level, which exercised the minds of the majority was whether there was a footballing case for keeping the player.

The commercial arguments

The core of the argument here was whether we would be shooting ourselves in the foot by holding onto him, and subsequently losing a large amount of money. It was said that since Jermain's contract had only 18 months to run, then we would lose out if we had to sell him in the summer.

Various arguments were put forward as to how much we would lose if we held onto him. This was an inconclusive debate as some said that there was a great risk that failure to perform would knock millions off his value. Others said that there was the possibility that his value could in fact increase if stuck away loads of goals. It was also pointed out that Joe Cole was sold at a point when he had only one year left on his contract.

The real risk, which I am sure that this whole issue turned on for Old Man Brown was the risk that a buyer might not eventually emerge for the right sort of money. Fresh in the memory of our chairman, I'm sure, was the sheer fortune of the emergence of Chelsea's man from the Russian steppes to get him out of the post relegation quicksand. I reckon that his worry was that was not going to happen again.

This turned out to be critical as we got towards the end of the transfer window. I have no doubt at all that Brown was expecting a bid from a top five club. It did not appear. You can almost imagine the desperation.

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The plan had in fact been hatched at the AGM of West Ham when Brown made his infamous “not right in the head” comment about Jermain. I know some people believe this was a cock up rather than a conspiracy, but I believe it was crudely calculated to destabilise the player and show the market that Brown was open to offers.

The reality of our club post relegation is that we have substantial debts and creditors that are seeking prompt payment against a background of severe uncertainty in the footballing industry. As we all know, the last person that is going to put his hand in his pocket, is the Chairman. Our club is run on a hand to mouth cash flow basis. I have to concede that this has been done rather well if you accept that this is the way our club should be run. The small-business mentality of our chairman is the overriding basis of our modus operandi.

But West Ham is Brown's little cash cow, too. After a relatively modest initial injection of cash many years ago, he has been coining it in, year after year. As I have suggested previously, one of the questions that I would like to see posed to Brown in the second part of the Hammers News interview is this: “How much money, have you put into the club since becoming chairman, and how much have you taken out?”

What everybody needs to understand is that West Ham is not a football club. Has ESM finally flipped, I hear you say? No, West Ham is a company that trades in professional football players. We nurture them. We develop them. We then harvest them. Perhaps a more accurate description of West Ham is that we are a greenhouse which never ultimately grows for its own consumption. Whenever the financial position becomes tricky and the continued position of the chairman threatened, our move is always to sell our best assets.

Under this climate there is never really any prospect of continuity or defence against clubs turning up with their credit cards at the West Ham check-out. Maybe this is the way that modern football has become – the biggest clubs doing what they like. Some truth in that, I concede, but we have absolutely no defence mechanism at all while Old Man Brown runs the show. In fact, like the holiday village owner he is, he positively wants to see punters turning up to buy from him.

This is why during the good-natured debate with my many virtual friends that I was absolutely clear that any cash from the sale of Jermain would not in fact be used to reinvest in new talent. It may have escaped your notice but the Brown strategy was to trade David James and Ian Pearce to fund the purchase of some raw prospects from desperate Wimbledon, while Jermain was held in reserve to cash in after these purchases. The timing in that regard was perfect once again. Hats off to Brown, he is certainly a dab hand at it.

Of course, because we were dealing with a second-tier club in the shape of Spurs, we were not going to get a nice simple chunk of cash. Brown also needed to keep Pardew onside. Hence the arrival of Bobby Zamora and that favourite mantra of Brown: “This boy is a West Ham fan.” More claptrap in my view, and patronising claptrap as well. He really does think that we are so thick that we will forgive almost anything if it involves a fellow West Ham fan.

Because Brown is risk averse and puts self-preservation at the top of his list, I always believed that the Defoe deal was likely to be done. You may disagree with me, but an entrepreneur would have looked at the situation and decided that there was more logic in holding on to our most potent striker to see if we could still claim the ultimate prize of promotion.

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For me, I think that the downside on holding onto Jermain, until the summer was probably no more than £2 million. The prize was £25 to £30 million. Brown's bottle went some time ago. The club's creditors know that the only way they are going to get paid is through player trading. I believe he has already calculated that we are going to stay down and simply wasn't prepared to take the risk. He also faced pressure from creditors. His contingency planning is now in place for us to stay down, and with him still at the helm.

If all of my thoughts on this are both depressing and negative, it is important to consider what might be the alternative. That alternative can only be based on the arrival of a new chairman with a completely different approach. Either someone has to invest personal wealth in the club or there needs to be a move to widen ownership through the offer of shares. At the moment, we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We have a chairman with neither the inclination nor means to invest in the club. We also have a chairman that will not countenance new investors as this would undermine his stranglehold on the club.

The footballing arguments

This is where we had the most lively, and sometimes vitriolic argument. The case of the sellers, was that here was a petulant, young man, who had done the dirty the very day after we had been relegated by requesting a transfer. The point was that he simply did not want to play for the club and therefore we should get shot.

Further than that, here was a player with a severe temperament problem leading to three sendings off and meaning that he had missed a number of important games. The risk was that he would get red carded again -- either by design or bad play -- and then he would not be available for selection yet again.

All fair points. I begged to differ. You might disagree violently with me here, but the days of expecting loyalty to one football club are gone. I am not sure that there will now ever be a player amongst the top clubs that will play man and boy for his club. We are living in cynical, dog eat dog times where agents circle around like vultures whispering in the ears of often inexperienced and impressionable players.

My main argument, which I still hold, is that Jermain the Defoe is a special footballing talent and the only player of true international class we had left at our disposal. I wanted to see him on the pitch, adding the extra crucial element in the latter part of this season. I hope to see us in the play offs and I still maintain that the difference between success and failure could well hinge on the extra quality of a player like Jermain.

I want to be clear that in saying so, I am not placing all my hopes and reliance on one player as some have suggested. I am talking about the added value to the team.

By the look of Alan Pardew's face at the press conference, dealing with Jermain's sale, I happen to believe that he felt strongly that way as well. I do not really want to get into the relative merits of our strikers, which are at the manager's disposal. However, I think that everybody who is not prejudiced against Jermain has agreed that he was and is somewhat superior as a footballing talent.

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I genuinely believe that Pardew would have been able to have got the best out of Jermain, as we moved towards the end of the season. In any event, I did not detect -- as some did -- that Jermain was not putting in sufficient effort. The motivation would have been clear: the chance to be a hero and at the same time do no harm to his prospects of securing a move to a top club in the summer.

I rarely agree with anything that David Pleat says, but there was one thing at the press conference on Tuesday, which I thought was absolutely right. This was when Pleat described the stealth, speed and goal poaching abilities of Jermain. If there is one thing that we have learnt this season it is that the margin between defeat and victory is small. We have, much to our detriment, given away the player that could have given us the best chance of gaining an advantage in tight situations.

As much as some may now be full of glee that Jermain, has joined a sinking ship, I happen to feel a degree of pity for him. He has ended up at a club, which does not look like it can go anywhere. I did enjoy very much that little FA cup game the other night, and you like me probably had a bit of a wry smile about Jermain sitting in the stands at White Hart Lane. Maybe he knows that he will only stick it out for a couple of seasons before making the move that he probably deserves. I fully expect to see him featuring in England games scoring goals for his country alongside some of the other talent that has been frittered away by the top echelons of our club.

All in all, I am afraid that the whole episode has left quite a bitter taste in my mouth. It is yet another example of what is wrong with the club I love. This is why, in some respects this is not really about Defoe. Jermain is a symptom of the illness of our club. This is all about the philosophy, management and direction of West Ham United. If nothing else, at least, what has happened has helped us all understand that if we didn't already.

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Bradford 1 West Ham 2 (7th February, 2004)

This was a truly nostalgic and emotional trip for me and it was Bobby Zamora’s debut. He came off the bench and had a good game, but it was a false dawn and probably the last time I had anything good to say about him. It was also the day that Defoe scored for the first time for the Spuds. This piece showed the power of modern communications as a mate who was at college with me – one of the few West Ham fans around at the time – saw it and tracked me down from the States.

You are going to have to be patient, with the preamble to this report, because the trip to Bradford for me was somewhat of a pilgrimage.

A long time ago…

Way back in 1980, a north London boy arrived in Bradford for the very first time. For reasons best known to him, he decided that he would study in that town and live there for three years. A massive culture shock occurred; not only had he never been north of Watford before, but he had also only been used to living in a white English community. All was to change.

Nothing seemed the same - the curry house Bradford style was very different to that in London. No sign of flock wallpaper here. In fact, no sign of tablecloths nor cutlery. Just a bowl of slurry, which was disturbingly described as ‘keema’. Your task was to scoop up this stuff with a chappati and hope that the following morning’s consequences were not too disastrous. The ‘Keema-therapy’ usually brought a whole new meaning to that classic Roxy Music number, “Both ends burning.”

Deprived of the means to follow his beloved West Ham (except when they happened to be playing up north), a decision was made to get adopt Bradford City in their attempt to lift themselves out of the old fourth division.

Yes my friends, ESM’s second club is Bradford City. I saw them secure promotion to division three. I stood in that old half condemned stand with my college mates watching the weather closing from across the moors, just like it did yesterday. I stood in the Belle Vue pub that used to be at the top of the road (now a derelict looking Islamic Cultural Centre), supping a pint of Tetley’s and betting on which stripper would have the longest appendectomy scar.

I also saw a young prospect for the first time, barely out of school, who I like to think I spotted as a real talent in those days. That prospect, Stuart McCall is now reaching the end of his career, but his continued presence does make me feel that I'm not completely past it. When he hangs up his boots, then I’ll know I’m really f**ked.

Football is a matter of life and death

The new ground in Bradford, is of course, totally different but one place I had to visit with ESM Junior was the Memorial to those that lost their lives in the terrible fire of 1985. This happened one year after I had left the town to return south. I discovered not long after it happened that the fire broke out almost exactly where we used to stand.

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The names were all there etched in gold on the black marble. ESM Junior noticed that some that lost their lives that day, were the same age as him. My eyes were drawn to a family, whose name was Ormondroyd. A very Yorkshire name, it looked like that a father and his two boys perished together that terrible day. Rest in peace.

If I was feeling a little sombre on entering the ground, my spirits were soon raised by the spectacle of the Bradford mascot, who is called the ‘City Gent’. He is a basically, a fat b*stard with a mullet, wearing a bowler hat, twiddling an umbrella and fitted out in a XXXXL Bradford kit. Highly amusing.

But let's cut to the chase, and analyse what turned out to be a classic game of two halves.

No Matty

The first thing that worried me about this game was that Matty Etherington did not appear. Apparently it was a warm-up injury. I think that he has been a revelation recently, and I was concerned that his omission would hurt us.

In his place, arrived a rather emaciated looking youngster. It was the boy McAnuff. But apart from this, the team looked pretty much as expected, with Deano given the nod over Zamora. I was content with that, because I think Deano has been superb of late.

The game started like many games I have seen this season. We looked bright enough and Marlon, in particular, looked very lively down the right wing. However, at the same time, the warning signs were there as Bywater was forced into two top class saves: first from the head of Alun Armstrong following a corner and then from Armstrong again, who found himself one-on-one with the increasingly impressive young keeper.

“Ohhhhh, the Reo-Coker…”

Down the other end, Reo-Coker hit the right hand post when it looked easier to stick the ball home. Despite this miss, he made a very accomplished performance over the 90 minutes. He looked good at Upton Park last week, and he showed real drive and commitment throughout the game today. He has the look of the leader to me and I would not be surprised if at some point the future he became West Ham captain.

The other thing about Reo-Coker, is that he does not take any sh*t from opposing players. He and Andy Gray were really at each other throughout this game and we had a good view of various kicks and foot stamps that each were giving out. Rio-Coker doesn't seem to follow the Moncur school of thought though, as he was smiling throughout. The red mist did not descend. He just seems genuinely happy to be at West Ham.

Bradford went close again on a couple of occasions before they bagged their goal 10 minutes before halftime. It was a long ball, which the centre of defence failed to deal with. The ball came out to Atherton on right hand edge of the box and he fired a very good shot into the top left-hand corner. Bywater had no chance and was in no way at fault.

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Do something drastic

So there we were of the halftime, feeling very unhappy with life. We were missing, Matty and McAnuff looked out of his depth. Deano was winning a few balls in the air, but we only looked dangerous when the ball was given to Marlon. Connors was fairly absent, and it looked pretty uncompetitive in midfield.

“Pardew needs to do something drastic”, said the bloke next to me and it was clear that this what was going to happen when the team came out for the second half. Zamora was on for Deano and Nowland came on for McAnuff.

What followed next made you wonder why Pardew hadn’t started with the second half line up. In a nutshell, Zamora made an immediate impact on this game. So did Nowland with a long range volley that was saved well by the Bradford keeper. We looked so much more determined and enjoyed a great deal of possession.

The Z-factor

The thing that most struck me about the Zamora is his pace. I recognise that he was playing against relatively pedestrian defenders, but on one occasion he started 4 yards behind a defended and ended up 2 yards in front of him to gather the ball. It took 20 minutes for him to open what I hope will be a prolific account with our club. A cross came over from Christian Dailly (or ‘Giggsy’ as I call him) and there was the Z-man with a header that sent us all into a frenzy behind the Bradford goal.

Mullins had another shot wide before the pressure finally told with Zamora slotting a pass out to the right hand side of the box, where Marlon picked it up and hit a powerful shot from a tight angle. He went mad. We went mad. You simply cannot deny that Marlon knows how to score goals, if that doesn’t sound too much like a cliché.

Bradford tried to get an equaliser, but there was only around 12 minutes left when our second goal went in. They thought they had got one but this was ruled offside. Then in true West Ham style, there were one or two panicky moments in the final minutes as Bradford fired in a few hanging crosses into the box.

I heard Pardew say afterwards that six weeks ago, we would have lost a game like that. If we had carried on playing the way we had in the first half we would have probably not even pulled off a draw. The extra factor, which I felt was brought to the team by Defoe could well be compensated for by Zamora, if this game is anything to go by.

As the game ended, the song went up that summed all of this up: Zamora, woaoooo, Zamora woaooo, he comes from White Hart Lane, he’s better than Jermain…” Let’s hope that this proves to be right, although I did see a certain goal go in on The Premiership last night at White Hart lane as well….

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Fulham 0 West Ham 0 (FA Cup, 14th February, 2004)

When you take the drop, any game against a Premiership team is a big day out and a welcome variation. The problem was that Oxford Fred’s favourite ref Mr G Poll robbed us yet again, but not for the last time in the 2003/04 season.

I was going to write something that entered into the spirit of Valentine’s Day, but quite frankly, both the BBC and Sky had really done that one to death today in their various FA Cup previews. Talk about one cliché after another. In any event how can you be a romantic when you turn up at a football ground that looks like a multi-storey car park? As ESM Jnr put it. “Is that the ground?”.

Barnet

I remember going to Loftus Road a very long time ago for a match against QPR. If I recall correctly, Phil Parkes was in goal for them and was the main TV model at the time for ‘Cossack’ hair spray. A geezer’s ‘hair control formula’ that attempted to be macho, but basically was not the sort of thing you admitted to using unless you wanted to have the p*ss ripped out of you, even in the 70’s. I’m sure ‘Pop’ Robson scored our first goal that day and we ended up losing something like 6-1. I also remember a West Ham fan leaning out from the stand and showering Stan Bowles with a full cup of coffee. Those were the days. Maybe some historian out there can help me with that one.

I approached this game with a degree of indifference as whatever way you look at it the Cup is a bit of a distraction from the main event. No chance of indifference as I approached the turnstiles having managed to lever Oxford Fred and his legendary ‘lucky hat’ reluctantly out of O’Neill’s.

We started in an extremely positive fashion, despite a starting line-up somewhat affected by cup-tied players. One major relief was that we did not have to start with Quinn down as left back, since Mullins stepped in to do the job – rather well as it turned out.

Matty inspires

As early as the first minute, Matty Etherington set off with a pacey run which led to a cross which Marlon failed to convert on the volley, despite standing unchallenged. But as Fred pointed out, Van de Sar made a good stop.

In many respects this early exchange was to set the scene for the rest of the match: a quick West Ham break, ending up with a good stop.

In midfield, Michael Carrick was also clearly up for the game. It reminded me a bit of the way he had played at Sp*rs earlier this season. Some might say that he is just raising his game for the big match, but of late, he has been really turning it on. There were some simply sublime long balls out to the wings today, and he was unlucky on 20 minutes with a shot that spun off his foot past the upright. He’s looking like the Carrick of old – maybe he wants to give us promotion as his parting present when he leaves at the end of the season

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But Matty was the real threat throughout this game. He was tackling, closing down and chasing down lost causes. I said a few weeks ago that he was my Hammer of the season to date and I remain of that opinion. It was one of those lost causes that looked destined for a goal kick that Matty managed to retrieve and set up Horlock on 23 minutes. Unfortunately, there was the giant Dutch goalie again to save low down in the bottom left corner.

Next came Fulham’s best chance on the half hour. Ferdinand – who otherwise had a very solid game today – failed to clear and allowed Bocanegra to take a strange swerved shot which struck the left hand upright with Bywater beaten. Fortunately we scrambled it away.

Before the half was up, West Ham created another two good chances. One fell to Connors at the far post, but again the shot was saved. The other came after a long looping cross came in from the left to Deano. His free header was fired towards the ground and the right hand corner of Fulham’s goal, but a strong hand form Van de Sar kept it out.

Computer virus

Half time, and I felt that we had the better of it. We had created the best chances, had a lot of possession, but only lacked finishing ability.

If last week at Bradford had revealed a bizarre mascot, then half time today at Loftus Road brought out what can only be described as some mutant from a failed radioactive experiment. ESM Jnr looked in disbelief as what can only be described as a ‘latex laptop on a pair of spindly legs’ appeared. Up until two weeks ago, I was somewhat shame-faced about our ‘Herbie’ and ‘Bubbles’. They are still sh*t, but I’m feeling a lot better now.

The second half started pretty much like the first half. Deano had what looked like a good chance after two minutes but ballooned his effort over from about 8 yards. Matty was continuing to chase everything and Fulham just looked lethargic and almost disinterested.

A word about the central defence. Both Dailly and Tomas were really good today. Neither put a foot wrong and it was Dailly just before the hour who nearly repeated his goal scoring header of the week before. The ball just went past the post.

With Harewood showing pace and skill down the right, we continued to look a threat throughout, but Etherington was the provider yet again with a great run that nearly put Connors in with a goal. The ball spilled out to Carrick and I was going up for the goal when Van de Sar got in the way yet again.

A collection for a train fare

Deano went off for the last 15 minutes having run out of steam. On came the Scouser who clearly does not want to play for us. Fred decided that the pie- worshipping Merseysider might at last do something spectacular and unexpected. He promptly got on to his preferred turf accountant and secured odds of 9-1 for Mellor to score. Money down the drain and the £15 he staked should have been used in a School End whip round for the Scouser’s train fare back to Houlier. I, for one, would gladly contribute.

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We had a few scares towards the end, particularly when the giant Zat Knight rose to put a header wide, but it was West Ham’s favourite ref Graham Poll who had the word in this game. A last minute break with Marlon running over the halfway line led to a Fulham defender pulling him back in a professional foul. This was not before the ball had been threaded through to Matty who was bearing down on goal when Poll blew up. Advantage – the geezer does not know the meaning of the word. We got punished twice – once for the foul and then again for the loss of advantage.

We only lacked a finish

Overall a very encouraging performance much appreciated by the travelling Hammers who were dotted around this stadium following the outrageous decision to limit the away quota to 3,000 tickets. The only thing missing was the finishing and without riding out my usual hobby horse again – and being told to ‘get over it’ - I think it is fair to say that both teams were missing what they once had in terms of a natural goalscorer.

Let’s look forward to a night of drama under the floodlights Tuesday week with the added incentive of a match against Millwall. I reckon that this draw could well come out of the bag Monday lunchtime and wouldn’t we just love that one.

EAST STAND MARTIN’S XMAS ANNUAL 2004 43 THE VIEW FROM THE SHITTY STAND

West Ham 0 Fulham 3 (FA Cup replay 24th February, 2004)

We knew we had – unbelievably yet again - pulled ManUre away out of the hat in the next round of the FA Cup, but it was all academic in the end as we couldn’t build on the great performance at Loftus Road.

Sometimes you just know that a good run is going to come to a sorry end. Things were looking good. The fat man in the tuxedo had sung at several grounds before a game and the home team had never lost. On he waddled, looking like Neil Mellor’s long lost brother and he belted out a rather stirring rendition of Nessun Dorma.

Now this aria from Puccini’s opera Turandot roughly translated means ‘no man will sleep’ and I’m not sure too many West Ham fans had a decent night’s kip after another game where the finishing was pretty lamentable.

If the truth be told, we won three halves out of the four in the two games, but the performance in the second half tonight lacked belief and commitment. It was almost like we came out in the second half thinking that we were going to get turned over.

The prodigal son…not

It looked very different in the first half, despite a very dodgy-looking back four that had to be cobbled together to make up for the loss of Harley (cup tied) and Repka (unwell). Back came ESM’s favourite son, Wayne Quinn with Mullins alongside Dailly in central defence. Anton was right back.

In many respects, it was all a bit of a re-run of the opening quarter of an hour of the Norwich game. We started very positive and Fulham just looked lethargic. The problem, once again proved to be the finishing. We looked great coming forward with Matty and Carrick really up for it, with Connors running tirelessly to make sure he picked up the scraps or to get his foot in first for the ball.

After 10 minutes, Horlock had a long range shot in goal that almost slipped from Van de Sar’s grasp. This was quickly followed by a quality shot on goal from Connors after he had been fed a good ball by Matty. Even Quinn joined in down the left with a quality cross on the quarter hour, but Marlon failed to get his head on it.

Another two chances followed in succession for Marlon. One was cleared off the line following a shot from an acute angle, while the other was saved yet again by Van de Sar as Marlon was bearing down on goal. You felt he had to put that one away, although Fulham have their keeper to thank for saving their bacon in both of the games – he was top class.

The first Fulham shot on goal came on 27 minutes, and apart from a good cross which Boa Morte failed to convert with his head following a Ferdinand error, they did very little of note in the first half.

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More chances go a-begging

But West Ham spurned more chances before the half was up. A great cross from Carrick was nodded back by Deano, but Connors couldn’t pick the ball up; while another Marlon shot went straight across the face of the goal. Matty got away once again with a great run on 41 minutes, but the ball fed through to Horlock was weakly chipped over the bar. Possibly the best chance of the half came to Marlon into injury time, when he received a quality ball through from Connors. This time the ball was put well wide as he tried to poke the ball past the Dutch keeper.

Surely this constant pressure would pay off in the second half and someone would be able to convert a chance? The first action of the second half probably showed that it was not meant to be. Marlon made a great run down the wing and got in a quality cross right in the danger zone, but Matty could not get on the end of it as he slid into the 6 yard box.

This signalled the point where it looked like the team arrived at the conclusion that whatever they tried they were not going to win. We looked tired with the opposition getting a lot more time and space in midfield. A Fulham break nearly resulted in a goal on the hour when there were two players spare, but the ball skewed wide. Then the towering Zat Knight – a player I admire – should have done better in almost a carbon copy of a header that was put wide in the first match.

A couple of minutes later Marlon again hit a shot horribly wide after being set up by Connors, but from then on we looked second best. I confess that I muttered that “it’s now only a matter of time” and sure enough a good save from McBride after Anton got caught out was swiftly followed by a floated ball over the top of Mullins on 75 minutes which was brought down by McBride and fired powerfully over a helpless Bywater into the top corner.

Give Lomas a break

On came Stevie Lomas to a warm reception apart from a gentleman to my left who has a long-standing dislike of the Irishman. I can’t understand this myself as I think that he is a very committed servant of the club. Give the man a break – he’s been on a long journey back to fitness and we need someone who will give his all to the team. Lomas was the provider of probably the last chance we had in the second half, when his run down the right led to a good ball through to Marlon again, but there was Van de Sar’s legs to deny him at point blank range.

The rest, well, it just went pear-shaped. Another ball over the top led to a walk-in goal for Hayles on 80 minutes and then we offered very little else until Boa Morte popped up with a third in the final minute, despite a desperate attempt by Anton to clear the ball off the line.

Maybe the exertions of the Norwich game had taken their toll, and we certainly did not have our best side out there tonight. The 0-3 score was harsh, but you cannot afford to waste so many good chances. This is where the problem most certainly lies for the crucial run-in and continued failure to slot away good opportunities could prove to be extremely costly. Do I need to return to my favourite topic of the last two months? No, I won’t, but the lack of goal-scoring knack is now beginning to hurt us, despite what many want to believe.

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On the plus side, although I would have dearly loved to have gone up to Old Trafford and we could have done with the estimated £750,000 payday, I am not convinced that we needed the distraction of the Cup. The fixture build-up already looks difficult and we could have suffered like Sheffield United did last season. We need to forget about what might have been, get our best team out there again and do the business against Cardiff on Saturday. This is a must win game, and I sincerely hope that we will all not be rueing another batch of missed chances for the third game in a row.

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West Ham 1 Cardiff 0 (28th February, 2004)

Yet another game where West Ham seemed unable to put the match beyond the reach of the opposition. Although I didn’t comment on it at the time, there was a lot of violence outside the ground.

ESM Jnr has a soft spot for Cardiff fans. It all goes back to a time a couple of seasons ago when he played in a penalty shoot out for his youth football team during the half time interval in a match between Wycombe and Cardiff.

The Cardiff fans were down the end where he was taking the penalty and they gave him a big cheer when they announced his surname, as it is distinctly Welsh- sounding. He slotted home, ran over to them with his shirt over his head and maintained later that the Welsh fans would be talking about his finish all the way back to the Principality.

ESM Jnr’s patenal grandparents’ roots are in Walthamstow, that no-mans land between West Ham and Sp*rs. The maternal side do actually come from the Welsh valleys – his great grandfather was a miner from Tradegar, who cycled to London to find work and ended up operating a crane in north London.

This means that I could have played for Wales, but I’ll be honest and say that I’ve never felt that great an affinity for the place. With a bit of luck, though, today’s result means that we are all well on track for a little trip down to sheep-worrying country in less than three months’ time.

The goal is over there…

The main concern going into this game was whether we could start finding the net again. Marlon in particular spurned a number of good opportunities earlier in the week against Fulham and the pre-match warm-up today did not exactly fill me with confidence. Marlon was standing on the edge of the box with the ball being passed to him so that he could shoot at goal. Let’s just say that a number were scuffed wide before one found the target much to relief of the faithful in the Bobby Moore Lower.

I must admit that I was attracted to the 0-0 result with the bookies. Couple their away form with our home form and you see where I’m coming from.

We were all expecting a depleted defence again as there were doubts over Dailly and Repka, but both came out for the start, despite Dailly looking like an extra from a Hammer horror movie. It allowed us to play Harley as left back and Mullins down the right. As it turned out, they looked a pretty solid unit throughout and Earnshaw barely got a look in all game.

Only five minutes in Michael Carrick – who was excellent again today – had the ball in the back of the net after a couple of quick exchanges between home debut man Zamora and Connors. Unfortunately it was ruled offside.

Earnshaw caused a couple of scares. First came on 10 minutes after Repka gave the ball away, but the compact striker looped the ball well over. The second chance on 21 minutes almost resulted in a goal after he brought the ball down neatly in the box. Fortunately, Bywater closed him down very quickly and made a fine save at his feet.

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Straight jackets in the East Stand

A minute later, the next incident had me and others on our feet berating the ref. One geezer near to me who I’ve never seen before almost totally lost it. The controversy was caused by a professional foul on Zamora who looked clean through on goal after a fine ball from Reo-Coker. Why that got a yellow instead of a red was beyond me – there looked like there was no other defender between the Z-man and the goal. Needless to say, the free kick that followed amounted to nothing.

Carrick was running around like a man possessed, winning balls and then slotting an array of excellent passes out to the flanks. Connors, too was putting in his usual high work rate and was the provider to Reo-Coker on the half hour, but the ex-Wimbledon man blasted wide.

I’ve noticed of late that Dailly looks the like the biggest threat at corners and yet again he connected on 34 minutes, but it went wide. Matty was also having another lively game and proving to be a constant threat down the left. It was one of his typical penetrating runs which led to the Cardiff keeper just getting enough of a hand out to brush his shot around the post.

The post again…

Reo-Coker added to the frustration on 39 minutes when he found space in the middle to run on goal and rifle a shot which bet their keeper hands down but struck the upright. The ball bounced out sideways indicating that three inches the other way would have seen him open the scoring.

The final action of the first half saw a repeat of the farce that had taken place with Matty at Norwich. This time, it was about where a free kick should be taken after Cardiff had been ruled offside. Tom was told to take it again, even though it looked like he had it in the right place. The ref clearly did not appreciate whatever he uttered in his broken English.

Repka was so incensed, he lost concentration and slotted the free kick straight to a Cardiff player. Earnshaw very nearly scored.

At half time, you wondered whether we were ever going to break the deadlock. We were well on top against a jaded Cardiff, but the worry was like the Fulham game, the longer it went on, the more the confidence would drain away.

Second half – the frustration continues

My nerves were not helped by the first good West Ham chance of the second half on 49 minutes when a good move down the right led to a Zamora shot which cannoned off the cross bar. Matty retrieved the rebound, but blasted it wide.

3 minutes later, Zamora showed a great touch again in the box, by bringing the ball down skilfully, turning on a sixpence and then smashing the ball wide of the post.

A word about Jon Harley. He had a great game today, showing pace that simply was not there when he first joined us from Fulham. He seems to be establishing a very good understanding with Matty and the two linked up well throughout. Very little indeed got past Jon today and I am coming round to the idea that we should sign him up permanently.

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On 55 minutes the unhinged bloke a few rows down went spare yet again as we got a perfect view of a foul on Matty in the penalty box. He drifted past the defender and was shoved over just short of the dead ball line. Matty couldn’t believe it. Nor could we.

Harewood was on target on 58 minutes after a deft turn on the edge of the box. The save looked spectacular, but in truth it was at a good height for the keeper who turned it around the post. The same happened again 7 minutes later, when we were all looking to him to place it rather than kick the ball through the back of the net. Marlon looks like he’s suffering a slight loss of confidence after the Fulham game.

Z-man to the rescue

Zamora had a good header saved before he finally saved the day by scoring his second goal for the Hammers with 18 minutes left on the clock. A nice flicked header from Connors put him through on goal with a defender snapping at his heels. He made a quality left foot finish along the ground wide of the keeper. You felt the relief around the ground.

From then on, not a lot much else happened of note. Nowland came on for Marlon (who did not look too impressed at being substituted) and Deano came on for Connors, presumably so that we could hold the ball up front. Zamora had another shot wide on 85 minutes after some good work by Reo-Coker and he provided another nice pass to Deano two minutes later after a 20 yard run. Deano, though, was ruled offside.

The second home debutant of the day, McAnuff was given five minutes at the end as it looked like Zamora had taken a knock. West Ham played the clock down pretty well, although there was one final Cardiff corner which had us all on the edge of our seats.

The score does not tell the full story

Overall, this was a convincing and dominant performance by the Hammers, with Cardiff putting in a pretty lacklustre performance. The scoreline did not represent the gulf in class between the two teams, but that is nothing new for us of late. We probably ended their playoff hopes today, although it’s not yet over for them. In reality we did not allow them to play and the only slight threat came from Kavanagh who is pretty effective in central midfield.

The main success of Pardew for me is that he has West Ham playing like a unit, but whilst we are outplaying teams of late, we never seem to put the game completely beyond our opponent’s reach. We’d all feel a lot more comfortable with a two or three goal cushion, wouldn’t we? I suspect that we will all be nipping down to the doctors for some valium before this season’s out.

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West Ham 0 Walsall 0 (6th March, 2004)

Yet another lacklustre display at home against lowly opposition.

All I want for Christmas is…

Picture the festive scene. A roaring fire and the ripping open of wrapping paper to find that your dad had bought you a rather unusual present. A ‘kids for a quid’ ticket to see West Ham play Walsall.

According to a half time announcement, this was the yuletide gift received by a young Harlow resident who was attending Upton Park for the very first time. At the end I bet he was thinking that in comparison those socks from his Aunty Flo weren’t so bad after all.

ESM Jnr’s first ever game aged 7 was in 1998 against Liverpool. We won 2-1 and I like to think that it set him up nicely as a lifetime supporter. I’m sure many of the kids today will stick with the Irons as well through thick and thin, but a goalless draw against a team that may well be playing second division football next year is hardly going to allow them to hold their own in the playground on Monday morning against Arsenal and Chelsea fans.

This game summed up why we will not get that automatic promotion place. A dire one-dimensional Walsall team that had not won for 11 games and we couldn’t break them down. They came for the draw, sat back in their own half and had about two yards between their back line and their midfield. We had neither the pace, width, nor something special to turn them over.

What’s the plan gaffer?

We started poorly. The problem was that we did not know what to do about the lack of Etherington down the left and you felt that Pardew had not got any further trying to solve that conundrum since the last time it happened against Bradford.

The lineup had Dailly and Repka in central defence, Mullins at right back and Harley out left. Fair enough, but then we had Reo-Coker also out left, Nowland and Carrick in the centre with Zamora out right. Harewood and Connors were in the middle up front

Everybody just looked confused and I can honestly say that absolutely nothing of note happened for almost 15 minutes. It looked so wrong, that Pardew then shifted Nowland out left and Marlon back out right, putting Reo-Coker back in the middle and Zamora back in his more traditional centre forward role.

The change did spark something almost immediately in that Marlon managed to get out wide on 16 minutes and cross a dangerous ball in across to the left that Zamora had in the back of the net. Unfortunately it was ruled offside.

ESM Jnr said that the game looked like a pre-season friendly. He had a point, as there appeared to be no pace about the West ham play at all. I felt that Nowland was at fault on a number of occasions, playing poor through balls that were easily gathered by the opposition. As one of my neighbours said, “The final ball looks very First Division”.

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On 22 minutes, Bywater failed to make a routine catch and spilled the ball for a corner. We were lucky to see the glancing header from the resulting corner just spin by his left hand post.

Mullins went off injured on 28 minutes and that brought another reshuffle - Melville into the centre of defence and Tom out to right back. It was Tom that made the only other meaningful impact on the first half, when he made a fantastic tackle in the box to deny Walsall a goal.

At half time it was hard to believe that we had even thought that we might make a final drive for the automatic promotion place. I’m afraid that the writing has been on the wall for some time – we are in fact in a goal drought, having only scored three goals in the last four league games. I’ll leave you to work out how we might have avoided that situation.

A better start

The start of the second half saw yet another change, when McAnuff came on for the disappointing Nowland and Marlon saw himself sent out to the left again as Jobi assumed his traditional right wing role.

We started much better than we did in the first half, but it was hard to see how we could have done any worse. A succession of corners were forced and then a good cross in from Marlon on 47 minutes gave Melville a free header which he directed straight at the Walsall keeper.

McAnuff was looking pacey and tricky down the right wing, reminding me a bit of Sean Wright-Phillips. A nice run by him on 51 minutes ended in the ball being fed to Marlon who blasted wastefully over.

Two minutes later, Connors made a great dummy which allowed the ball through to Repka running down the right. He put in a great ball to the feet of Reo-Coker in the box, but he couldn’t control and shoot.

What followed next were a couple of opportunities where we were trying to get shots away in a very crowded Walsall penalty area. Marlon slotted a ball to Zamora but he shot wide of the right post and just after that on 63 minutes, Connors tried to outfox the Walsall keeper with a backheel after Dailly had won a header. The keeper grabbed it and another chance went begging.

It was Marlon who had the best chance to convert on 69 minutes after he went on a powerful run through the middle. He let loose with a powerful shot, but the keeper made a good save diving to his left. A finish like the one at Norwich was required, but his whole demeanour over the last few games is one of a player who is lacking confidence in front of goal.

Pardew decided then to change things again by swapping Connors for Deano with ten minutes to go. McAnuff was still trying hard to find a way through and he went on a penetrating run, but his shot was skewed wide of the right post. With seven minutes left, it was McAnuff again who sent over an excellent cross to the far post, where Zamora met it and headed it down, but the keeper made the save look easy.

The last incident of note was on 85 minutes when Marlon made another good run but sent his final shot way over the cross bar.

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Four minutes of added time provided no further opportunities as we simply ran out of ideas and steam. There were quite a few boos heard at the end, which I don’t condone, but were the inevitable result of an uninspiring and disappointing display.

This game will now be erased…

This was a game that just needs simply to be forgotten about. Whatever happened to those halcyon days when visiting sides knew that they were in for a real battle when they came to Upton Park? It’s true that Walsall came for a draw, but we handed it to them on a plate. We missed Matty badly, and we simply do not seem to have an answer to the left side problem when he is not playing. I am the first to applaud a manager who is prepared to ‘change it’ when things are not going well, but the players seemed either unconvinced or confused by the system.

Let’s hope that we see something hugely better on Tuesday when Wimbledon come to play us. Another display like todays against a team which is even in worse form than Walsall, and you will begin to have doubts about us even making the play-offs with teams like Millwall, Palace and even Reading (wouldn’t that be some kind of a massive irony) jumping above us in the run-in. We have got to play these three teams plus Sunderland within the next month or so. I am actually quite pleased that all of these games are away from home.

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West Ham 4 Crewe 2 (17th March, 2004)

Total incredulity as West Ham score four in the first half and the Hammerettes cost me £175.

We were all racking our brains at half time. When was last time we saw West Ham go in 4-0 up at half time? With twenty minutes to go there was a different question. When was last time you saw West Ham surrender a commanding lead? We all knew the answer to that one and everybody looked nervous near me.

Well, it wasn't quite as bad as all that and maybe you will understand a hint of bitterness, when I tell you that at half time I was £130 up on a goal superiority spread bet, which disappeared into the ether with the two second half Crewe goals. C’est la vie.

First half display of the season

I don't think I have seen a better first half display by West Ham this season. The shape of the team looked very natural. Harewood and Zamora were upfront with Reo-Coker playing in an advanced central midfield role. McAnuff -- of which more later -- was in his orthodox right wing role. I have to say, although I have a lot of time for Connors, you wonder whether the shape of the team looks better without him. I’d like to hear some views on that one.

Carrick as I have said on a number of occasions of late is in top form. He looks every inch the Premiership player again, with a commanding presence and a steady supply of fantastic crossfield passes. I don't want to be unnecessarily gloomy, but we may well be watching the final few games of Michael Carrick in a claret and blue shirt. All depends of course, on whether we can pull it off in the playoffs, and we all know that the game coming up on Sunday is probably the biggest of the season.

It was one of those Carrick balls that arrived at the feet of Zamora as early as the fifth minute, which created West Ham's earliest chance. The corner which resulted from the save from Zamora led to Harewood putting a great header past the keeper.

McAnuff looked very lively down the right wing from the outset. On 14 minutes following a rapid burst of pace he got the ball over to Marlon who fluffed it badly. The ball came out to Reo-Coker, who made a great pass to Zamora, who in turn found himself one-on-one with the Crewe keeper, Clayton Ince. Unfortunately, he made a good block.

Tom goes spare

The performance of the officials in this match was not a lot different from some of the poor performances I have seen in the first division this season. Tom, no doubt, casting his mind back to the days when he played under referees in the Champions League lost his rag on 19 minutes when an offside decision was not given. The red mist descended, and he was lucky not to receive a booking.

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Hardly had the veins in Tom's neck gone down when the ball was picked up on the edge of the box by Marlon. He made a great turn and a powerful shot, which the keeper could have probably saved on a better day. It looked like he was completely taken by surprise by the way the ball was fired in so quickly. Two nil and it seemed only a matter of time before Marlon would get his hat trick.

Nothing happening for the Z-man

Zamora is in need of a goal, and nearly got it on 24 minutes following an excellent linkup with Michael Carrick. The Z-man used his strength to shield the ball, but just shot wide of the post. Three minutes later Jobi made another one of his runs and got a good cross in which Marlon headed straight at the keeper.

Zamora had another two good chances on the half-hour. First he worked hard to win the ball back and was storming down on goal, but shot wide under pressure from a Crewe defender. Then Marlon made a great dummy, which let Zamora take the ball on the edge of the box. Unfortunately, his shot was partially blocked by a defender, and it was an easy take for the keeper.

The third West Ham goal came on 34 minutes with another nice layoff from Harewood who had got on the end of a Harley cross. This time the ball was picked up by Reo-Coker who hit an absolute peach into the top left-hand corner.

Can I just add a plea at this point to the Bobby Moore Lower. Whoever came up with that chant for Reo Coker needs to be taken to one side and beaten to a pulp. What is that? “Dooo Dooo Dooo, Nigel Reo Coker”. It’s cack. Cut it out.

Zamora had another shot on goal on 35 minutes but it was at this point that I began to notice that he looked pretty tired. His hands were on his hips and it looks like he’s either still struggling to gain full fitness or he is carrying an injury.

But the goal of the night was scored by Jobi with three minutes left in the half. He made a mazy run, beat about four defenders and although was forced out wide, managed to slot home within inch perfect shot.

No sex please, we’re Eaststanders

At this point I can honestly say that the Hammerettes cost me about 175 quid. No, I didn't manage to convince them to join me in a group sex scene in the now defunct Sir Geoff Hurst Suite, but their dance music meant that I couldn't make myself understood on the phone to my bookies to close down my spread bet and take the money. I wasn't too bothered, though, because I was certain that we would add even more goals in the second half.

It all looked a matter of time when we came out for the second half. On 49 minutes, Jobi shot down the right yet again, and managed to put a ball on target, which was tipped over. Then five minutes later, Reo-Coker made another penetrating run through the middle and passed to Zamora, who blasted just wide.

Crewe were passing the ball around reasonably nicely, but it was the ref that gifted them a goal on the hour. There was a clear foul on Reo-Coker which was ignored, allowing the ball to be passed forward to Steve Jones, who looked suspiciously offside. One-on-one with Bywater, he slotted home, leaving Tom to go spare with the linesman and get his customary yellow card.

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Miss of the season

A goal looked certain on 66 minutes when yet again Reo-Coker made a surging run through the middle. He got the shot on goal, but he hit the keeper's body. Then a minute later, Marlon turned on the pace to put the ball past the keeper, but Zamora just didn't seem to have it in him to get to the ball and put in the back of the net. From where I was sitting it looked like the Upton Park miss of the season from 5 yards.

Then on 71 minutes Jones struck again for Crewe with a very good run down the right wing. He took the ball past Bywater and looked like he might have gone too far wide, but managed to hit the far corner with the shot.

No self-destruction this time

Fortunately, although there was almost twenty minutes left we did not see a repeat of the West Brom debacle. The game got played out and Pardew made three substitutes, bringing on Cohen for the excellent to Reo-Coker, Deano for the disappointing Zamora, and finally, Carole made his debut in place of McAnuff.

Zamora looked incredulous that he could be taken off. He stood in the centre circle, reluctant to move. Either he was showing his disappointment about his performance or he didn't accept that he had played poorly. He has just got to get quicker and fitter.

With 10 minutes to go my the neighbour Andy made the dodgy comment of the night as the Crewe goalkeeper had to be carried off after slicing a ball out to touch. ”We’re always happy to see an Ince carried off on a stretcher down here”, he quipped.

The reserve keeper came on and made two saves, which denied Deano and Cohen. The latter hit a terrific volley from the left hand edge of the box that almost would have rivalled Paulo’s famous goal against Wimbledon.

This result put us back third again, but let's have no doubts that it's going to be tough to even make the playoffs. It's very tight up there and we have a massive game on Sunday. I will be down Upton Park watching the beam back hopefully getting showered with lager in the concourse as our goals go in.

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West Ham 2 Gillingham 1 (27th March, 2004)

Another underwhelming game where we only just saw off a relegation struggler. This was the first game after the disastrous 4-1 defeat by Millwall, but I was incensed by the booing of Christian Dailly.

The East Stand had an immediate retro-punk quality to it today as I navigated the usual turnstile and bumped into a geezer coming out of the bog wearing a ‘Vibrators’ t-shirt. Just how surreal was that? The only problem was that he looked the wrong side of 50, which confronted yours truly with my own mortality. Some say that when your old man cops it, that is the time you realise your days are numbered. Let’s just say that seeing this ageing punk had a similar effect on me.

This was a game that simply had to be won. As pointed out earlier this week, the lowest points total amassed for a play off place was 74, meaning that we had to think about at least 5 wins out of the remaining eight games. We had to start today.

No change

The first thing that struck me was that the outrage and gnashing of teeth that followed the debacle south of the river last Sunday had not resulted in any significant changes at all. So much for the noise from Pardew about players getting dropped. Not that I’m saying that this should have happened. It just seemed a bit odd to go ballistic and say that it was time to give others a chance and then put the same team out. Maybe there’s some strange psychology there somewhere. Or maybe Pardew realised that the alternatives are not as good after all.

We started very positively. So positively in fact that we scored from almost our first assault on the Gillingham goal. A header on from Harewood found Zamora at the far post and he blasted home from close range. Three minutes gone and one up - could this be another goal bonanza to add to the nine in the previous two home matches?

A minute later at the other end, it was clear that the fallout from the Millwall game had not quite ended as there was nearly yet another mix up between Dailly and Bywater. Our young keeper was very hesitant and made a horrible hash of the clearance. The confidence deficit had not yet been made up.

Encouraged by this panic at the back, Agyemang - the only Wimbledon player we didn’t poach during the transfer window - left Melville for dead on five minutes and very nearly scored with a curling shot just wide of the left hand post. Bywater was mighty relieved to set that one go by.

BML morons

What happened next almost made me lose it. Astonishingly, a moronic, half-brain dead faction of the Bobby Moore Lower started booing Dailly. This was an absolute disgrace and I hope that this mob is now thoroughly ashamed of their behaviour. Read my lips. We are West Ham. We support our team through thick and thin. We do not engage in infantile and damaging behaviour like that. Pathetic.

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I calmed down a bit by the fourteenth minute when the linesman’s flag broke. He looked absolutely bereft. Close to tears, he only cheered up when someone turned up with a new one for him.

Matty turns it on

It was at this point that I began to notice Matty coming into the game. Apparently over his recent injury, the searing pace has returned. The passing also was back where it should be again, and there was a delightful exchange of passes on 17 minutes: Harley to Connors to Zamora to Matty, who then got over a great cross which was poorly headed by Zamora.

A similar exchange happened two minutes later when the ball got fed from left to right. Marlon found Tomas on an advanced run, but he blasted the ball across the face of the goal, failing to connect with a striker. The Gillingham keeper, Banks, got flattened in the process.

Matty and Harley linked up well on 24 minutes, with Jon just managing to retrieve a pass from Matty on the dead ball line. He hit in a superb cross but there was no-one on the end of it.

Matty made another terrific run down the left three minutes later after Marlon had raced down the right and hit in one of those ‘neither cross nor shot’ balls. He got the ball to Zamora who looked certain to score but the ball got blocked. As with a number of chances that fell to the Z-man today, you wonder whether he just wanted too much time or a further touch.

Despite being on the back foot for the first half hour, Gillingham levelled after Repka gave away a free kick. Dailly was beaten to the ball that was whipped in and the knock down was volleyed in decisively by Danny Spiller. Bywater had no chance.

An immediate dent in confidence followed and the next West Ham move of note was not until the 42nd minute when Matty got in another quality cross which was just taken off Zamora’s head by a defender. The corner which followed saw the ball come over to Zamora again, but it couldn’t come down quick enough for him and the shot got blocked once again.

The last action of the half saw another Matty run which resulted in a fine cross which Zamora met weakly with his head. This was yet another unconvincing first half performance from the Z-man, despite the early goal.

Mad Mark

Half time and you wondered how the game could be one each. We had the best of it, but did not look at all convincing in front of goal yet again. I was also somewhat disappointed with Reo-Coker who kept losing the ball or failing to connect with passes.

The half time entertainment was also bizarre. First came a host of ex-boxers advertising a charity dinner with a comedian called “Mad Mark Peters” who appeared in a day-glo outfit. The came the Hammerettes in outfits that incorporated suspenders. They were out to raise their game and we hoped that the team would follow suit in the second half.

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The Defoe deficit

Reo-Coker made the first move in the second half, ballooning the ball over after a chest down from Zamora in the first minute. Three minutes later, Marlon made a terrific burst down the right, getting the ball into Reo-Coker who slotted it to Zamora. Unfortunately, it was a bit more of the same from the first half as he seemed to take too long and the shot was blocked. This led ESM Jnr to say – unprompted – “that would have been in the back of the net if that had been Defoe”.

Reo-Coker was playing better now and a foul on him on 57 minutes led to a quick free kick finding Matty with loads of space in the box. He fired in a powerful shot but this was saved well by Banks.

West Ham’s tails were now up and Matty was continuing where he left off in the first half with an excellent run and cross on 58 minutes, which the Z-man met weakly again with his head. Zamora looked a lot livelier just a minute later when he ran across the box, turned and sent in a great shot which Banks just managed to turn around the post. He was unfortunate not to score.

Double change

Although we looked better than at the end of the first half, you began to wonder if the goal would come. With 20 minutes to go, Pardew made a double change. Nowland came on for the disappointing and possibly not match-fit Connors and Deano came on for Reo-Coker who had performed better since the interval.

Nowland made an almost immediate impact two minutes after his introduction when he made a great run into the box to get onto the end of an inch-perfect pass by Repka. He did the right thing with a first time ball back across the six yard box, but it was behind the strikers. Matty came steaming in to meet the ball, but his shot was blocked.

No doubt who is Hammer of the Year

But it was Matty that saved the day on 75 minutes and led me to immediately write his name on the nomination form in the programme for Hammer of the Year. I’ve been thinking that he’s deserved that for some time, but today sealed it. He made a typically pacey run through the middle which left the Gillingham defence for dead and placed the ball accurately into the bottom right hand corner of the goal.

Matty almost created another goal four minutes later when his free kick was met by Dailly at the far post. Given the outrageous reaction by some to him earlier in the game, I would have loved to have seen him score, but the keeper made a great save diving to his left.

We had the ball in the net on 84 minutes after a looping header from Marlon, but this was ruled out, presumably for a push on the defender.

All in all, this was not a brilliantly convincing performance, but Gillingham created few threats and did not deserve the draw. We had possession for large parts of the game, but we looked wasteful once again in front of goal. I remain concerned that we have what it takes to prevail in the play offs, but our chances of making those high-tension games were at least improved today.

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Crystal Palace 1 West Ham 0 (12th April, 2004)

This was the day that I realised I had made a mistake arguing that Iain Dowie should not be appointed as West Ham manager. It was not the last time that the ugliest man in football was going to tactically outmanoeuvre us. On the plus side a West Ham fan found his freedom in Iraq.

Imagine being marooned in a hostile place, bereft of hope and then suddenly you get out of the sh*t. The first words of Gary Teeley, liberated West Ham fan and Iraqi hostage were to enquire after the team’s performance. Today several thousand West Ham fans knew how he felt before they let him go. I’ve just booked a ticket to Baghdad, as I’m sure it can’t be any worse over there with the Mahdi Army.

The team line-up looked ‘different’ in midfield. No Matty, Carrick or Lomas. I’m not sure we’ll ever see hutch play again for us. So in came Horlock, Reo-Coker, Jobi and Mullins to do the job with some aggression and ball wining muscle. Less creativity, more of the foot in. That was the theory anyway, the practice was somewhat different.

Z-man benched

Zamora was where he should be at the moment – on the bench, while Anton got his chance again at right back. Harewood – wonders will never cease – was finally started as a centre forward rather than a right winger. He looked well up for it as well, encouraging the large travelling contingent to raise their voices at kick off.

Three away defeats in a row against teams challenging for elevation to the Premiership was never going to be a good backdrop and Palace under Dowie had not lost at home in 2004.

Dowie v Pardew

While we’re on Dowie, you have to hand it to him. There will be inevitable comparisons between him and Pardew, particularly as the facially challenged one was in the frame for the Hammers job. No doubt many will argue that Dowie was given a more settled team, but the fact is that since he arrived he has won 11 out of 18 games and only lost 2. It’s a great run and he’s got cult status already down at Selhurst Park.

Pardew’s record looks distinctly average in comparison – the same number of games won as Dowie, but he has been in charge of 16 more games. The draws are the root of the problem – 13 of ‘em.

One thing I will concede where Pardew is streets ahead of Dowie is in the beauty stakes. I almost froze in my tracks on passing the Palace club shop when I saw a t-shirt with Dowie’s mug on it. They were even advertising it at half time. You could scare the kids with that, but I have to confess I would much rather have an ugly successful manager than a handsome failing manager. Do I think Pardew is failing? No I don’t, but he has to be bitterly disappointed at the way the team has been found so badly wanting at the crucial point.

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Tom loses the plot

The game started with very little pattern or shape to it. Connors was running around as usual trying the steal the ball, while Repka made the first really telling intervention in the 12th minute with a suicidal late tackle which got him a deserved yellow card. I was certain he would go off at some point and later on he was ranting and raving at the ref and repeating the argument he seems to have regularly about where free kicks should be taken. I have a soft spot for Tom, and he is arguably the most technically accomplished defender we have. But the truth is that he is becoming an increasing liability with his lack of self-discipline.

The other thing I noticed in the first part of this game was that Reo-Coker appeared not to be at the races again. Last week’s OLAS interview with Pardew revealed that the manager thinks that Nigel needs a rest. He certainly looked half a yard off the pace today and made a number of misplaced or underhit passes. Not impressive at all for someone who looked like he was out to make his mark at the outset. I know he’s young, but he is very disappointing at the moment.

Red card for Connors

Harley had a shot over the bar on 17 minutes and then 10 minutes later Connors picked up a yellow card for a late tackle down the right hand side. This proved to be costly as 12 minutes later, he got a second yellow for another late tackle, this time on the left hand side of the box. Butterfield appeared to go down very easily (“like a sack of sh*t” said my neighbour) and Connors was fiercely protesting his innocence along with Mullins who got a booking for dissent. I’d like to see that again as I was standing down the end away from the incident. The Hammers fans nearest were incensed and Butterfield took a lot of abuse for the rest of the match. I saw a few coins being lobbed in his direction as well, which was cretinous.

Palace were pretty clueless and created nothing at all of note in the first half. In fact, after Connors got his marching orders, we could have taken the lead on two separate occasions. The first was on 44 minutes when a Repka free kick was floated over the top to find Dailly standing on his own in the box. Unfortunately he blasted it over when he should have found the target.

This opportunity was swiftly followed with a snap shot by Marlon, but he was well wide of the post.

Under the cosh

Although Palace were poor in the first half, my instinct was that they would come looking for us in the second half. For a long time we defended well – Dailly in particular had a solid performance – but they had a lot of possession. The problem was that the ball kept coming back at us as we tried – and failed - to connect with a lone striker up front. Jobi was not used as an outlet and you felt that we needed to get it wide to stand a chance of creating something or at least holding the ball. It just didn’t happen.

The goal that settled the game came on 66 minutes after a good save by Srnicek led to a corner. The ball that was whipped in got flicked on at the near post and Freedman was waiting to volley it into the roof of the net. Always disappointing to concede to a corner and it had to be Anton’s job to stop the near post header.

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Pardew changes it

Pardew tried to rescue the situation by bringing on Zamora and Deano, but quite frankly we were not at the races. Deano managed to get his head on it a few times, but Zamora and Marlon were easily closed down. The sad fact was that we did not manage one shot of note in the second half.

Palace had the best chances to make the defeat worse when Johnson managed to get two one-on-one opportunities with Srnicek in quick succession with about 20 minutes to go. One of these resulted from a dire attempt by Repka to clear the ball. Pavel spread himself well on both occasions and kept him out. With 8 minutes to go Palace had the ball in the back of the net, but this was ruled offside.

The only time I noticed Zamora was when he had a scrum after a challenge on a Palace defender. He just looks totally out of it at the moment and I wonder what can be done to get his confidence up.

Few excuses

You could argue that this game hinged on the sending off, but this is probably a convenient excuse for another poor display. We are simply not cutting it at the moment and 1 point and no goals from the Easter campaign is disastrous. It ain’t over yet, but the cruellest blow to take will be if we miss out on the play-offs by a point or two. Given the suffering we have had to endure over these past 15 months or so, I wouldn’t rule it out, as we look the worst performing team in the hunt at the moment.

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West Ham 2 Coventry 0 (17th April, 2004)

A surreal day where Oxford Fred and I started the day in totally the wrong place.

What a wonderful day for putting a cucumber through a letterbox and shouting “Look out vicar the Martians have landed!” Oxford Fred has come out with some classics in his time, but he couldn’t resist an extraordinarily convincing Ken Dodd impression when we found a ‘tickling stick’ in the Wolverhampton hotel we were staying in last night.

Barely recovered from a friend’s engagement party - which contained all those classics you love to hate: ‘Tiger Feet’, ‘Baggy Trousers’, ‘Making Your Mind Up’ and the almost compulsory ‘Hi Ho Silver Lining’ - we then jumped in the motor to speed down from the Black Country to make the kick off at Upton Park. After the first thirty minutes of the match, we’d wondered why we’d bothered, but things thankfully did get slowly better as the afternoon wore on.

Free ticket anyone?

I’d had to upgrade ESM Jnr’s season ticket to get Fred in and no less than two people offered me a free ticket in the queue for the ticket office. I wasn’t the first to refuse this kind offer, and some wag said “You can’t even give tickets away to see West Ham at the moment.”

Inside, the mood was depressing. The first thing I noticed was that there was a depleted crowd and quite frankly the atmosphere was very deflated. I know it was hardly the most scintillating fixture, but if we could make half the noise of the Pompey fans we’d heard on the radio on the way to the game, then maybe we’d help our boys a bit in these vital games.

Here was another changed team due to injuries, suspensions and as was later confirmed, the decision not to do a deal with Fulham. Mullins, Melville, Dailly and Anton were at the back, while Horlock, Lomas and Nowland came into midfield. The Z-man was back as well, after deservedly warming the bench at Palace.

It took 18 minutes before anything happened with a shot from outside the box by Steve Lomas. The shot lacked power, and the Coventry keeper dealt with it easily. Bywater then had to deal with a long range shot on 22 minutes and needed a second grab at it.

Uninspiring

West Ham’s general play was hardly inspiring. Zamora seemed to be dishing out more of the same as he had a poor touch when he found space in the box on the half hour and then seemed to take an eternity in getting a shot in on target. This was inevitably blocked. Marlon showed a good burst of speed just after only to make possibly the worst pass I have seen this season into touch. Anton was getting forward down the left flank, but on a couple of occasions, his crossing was poor.

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What we needed more than anything else to try and raise the team’s and the crowd’s spirits was a goal. We had gone three games without scoring and it showed. All changed on 36 minutes following the endeavours of Steve Lomas – and hats off again to his commitment throughout this game – when a good ball into the box from him led to a corner. Coventry failed to clear the corner properly and Horlock headed the ball back into the box, finding Zamora.

My first thought was that the Z-man had made yet another bad first touch as he seemed to knock the ball away from the goal. However, he retrieved the situation with a very powerful low shot which beat Scott Shearer hands down. Top man.

That was about it for the first half – not what I would describe as a commanding performance – but my spirits were raised even further when it became apparent that other key play-off contenders were not winning.

Aquamarine boots

Fred, being an observant character, noticed that Marlon had changed out of his somewhat garish blue boots at half time, and the change seemed to be doing him some good as he retrieved a ball from Anton down the right 5 minutes in to the second half. He won a corner and Dailly connected with his head, forcing a goal line clearance. It should be noted that Dailly had a very solid performance today, and although Melville looked a bit dodgy on occasions, failing to clear effectively, we looked pretty sound at the back. It all looked a lot more disciplined without the usual red mist descending on Tom.

I am coming to the conclusion that Dailly is not the problem. It’s Tom that is the problem.

A one-goal lead is always precarious, and Coventry nearly squared the game on 55 minutes. Bywater made a good initial block from a shot, but it looked certain that the rebound from him would be converted. Somehow the ball bounced across the face of the goal and we managed to clear.

On 61 minutes Zamora looked like he had a very good shout for a penalty, but this was waved away by the ref. Cohen then came on for Nowland, who had drifted in and out of the game today, but certainly had done better than I have seen Reo-Coker performing of late.

Coventry had a shot high and wide on 63 minutes after Anton missed a header and five minutes later Bywater’s side netting was hit following a move down the left. It was one of those moments where you see the net bulge and think that a goal’s gone in. Bywater looked cool as Fred’s cucumber poking through the letterbox.

The linesman gets it right

After turning down an earlier appeal for a penalty by the Z-man, the ref finally relented on 68 minutes by penalising 35 year-old Steve Staunton (why is it that it seems he should be nearer 40?) for a crude hack. Zamora burst through into the box in a determined run, but the ref only gave the spot kick after the linesman flagged for it.

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What happened next reminded me of that time that Paolo and Fat Frank had a ‘discussion’ about who would take the penalty. Not quite as hilarious, but this time the row was between Harewood – desperate no doubt to get the division’s golden boot – and Connors, who was desperate to end his 6 week goal drought. The diminutive Irishman won the debate and slotted home very nicely indeed to close the game down. He deserved that after putting in an energetic and highly committed performance.

Cohen showed some nice tackling in midfield and Jobi and Deano came on in the dying minutes for Marlon and Zamora respectively. These substitutions were nothing more than running down the clock as Coventry tried to press forward and get a goal. They couldn’t break us down and only created a late shot wide by Gary McSheffrey.

Its results that count

The full time results elsewhere were as important as this victory, although I sincerely hope that the last gasp equaliser by Millwall is not crucial in this final run-in. It still looks like we need to win every game, and although this performance was not entirely convincing, we have got exactly what we needed.

Zamora in particular looked much improved today, but I think that we will miss the terrier-like Connors with his impending suspension. We also have Etherington coming back as well as Carrick and we need them to put in their best performances. Mullins and Lomas both did well today, and I hope that they both start next time. We need some more experienced pros out there in these coming games. The trip up to the Potteries next Saturday is now our biggest game of this season to date and we simply have to turn around our recent unacceptable form away from home. We can do it. Come on you Irons!

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Stoke 0 West Ham 2 (24th April 2004)

Penned in up in the Potteries, but the mighty Irons go storming on to the playoffs.

Camp X-Ray is not in Cuba after all as several thousand West Ham fans discovered after the game when they found themselves banged up in an enclosure around the South Stand car park of the Britannia Stadium. Oxford Fred was pleading with a copper that he was only on holiday in Afghanistan and that they shouldn’t take a 2-0 defeat so badly. Apparently it was for our own safety. I bet that is what the Yanks told the Tipton Taliban.

A 2-0 win. It was manna from heaven and desperately needed after a run of poor performances on the road. It was never going to be easy given Stoke’s half- decent home record, identical in fact to our own at Upton Park – only four losses.

The same four

We were all feeling a lot happier in the warmth of the Staffordshire sunshine when Michael Carrick and Matty Etherington appeared to start the game. In a repeat of last Saturday’s back four, Anton was left back, Dailly and Melville were in the middle and Mullins was down the right. I was happy with that and also pleased to see Lomas out there again. Marlon was in his ‘Pardew Right’ position and Connors and Z-man up front.

I may have liked the line-up but the first 30 minutes of this game was a worrying affair. Mullins gave the ball away at least three times in the first seven minutes and a throw in down the left on 9 minutes saw Noel-Williams flick on a looping header which Bywater had to tip over the bar.

We simply did not seem to be at the races and the excellent playing surface at the Britannia aided a pretty free-flowing Stoke who were passing it around very nicely. Thankfully, despite an extended period of pressure and possession, where we looked very vulnerable down our right, Stoke were unable to fire in any shots on goal.

An old head at the right time

It was at this time that I became even happier that Steve Lomas was out there. I said a couple of weeks ago that we needed some old heads out there to instil some discipline and confidence. On more than one occasion I saw Stevie bellowing at his team mates when he thought that they needed a reminder about how to defend. I hope he’s there if we make the play offs, the bloke is a leader.

During this period we were clueless going forward, unable to string more than a couple of passes together. Anton was trying his best to put Matty away, but a lot of his effort was expended in trying over-ambitious passes, when a more simple approach was required.

On 37 minutes, we nearly suffered one those season-ending disasters when Bywater cleared a ball against Noel-Williams who was closing him down. Thankfully this rebounded wide of the goal.

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Connors does it again

A minute later the game was changed completely. Z-man had the ball in the box and it then spilled out to the left side of the 6 yard box, where Connors retrieved it and managed to fire in a shot from an acute angle. Somehow it went in.

The lead was nearly doubled almost immediately, when Z-man went on a great run and fired in a shot which just went by the post. For one fleeting moment, we all thought it had gone in.

Half time and a game not hugely different from last week’s against Coventry. Not very convincing but we had the lead.

Fred went spare during the interval as he was denied a cast-iron pint of lager. I didn’t see the incident myself, but according to Fred, they were individually pouring out beer from bottles into plastic glasses. The shutter got pulled down and Fred was left spitting sawdust.

Passing – remember that?

Stoke looked determined to try and do something at the beginning of the second half. Two minutes in, a shot got fired in just wide of Bywater’s post and a couple of corners followed. Then on 50 minutes, Noel-Williams sliced one high and wide and managed to claim a penalty at the same time which was denied by ref Barry. It was at this point that we seemed to rediscover our passing game. Finally everybody seemed to be working as a unit.

Carrick was running the middle and we began to find Matty a bit more precisely and regularly. Connors was running around all over the place – we’ll miss him when he’s suspended - and Marlon began to engage in some smart tricks down the right. I have to say that when he gets the ball, Marlon is very difficult to dispossess and often beats two or three players. Maybe this is why Pardew likes him down the flank.

Two chances and a goal

On 53 minutes Matty was found with a great pass and went on a great run which ended in a wicked cross across the face of goal. Unfortunately Carrick missed it sliding in and Zamora could only fumble it wide when the ball arrived.

A minute later, Connors then nearly added a second when the ball was chipped over by Marlon. He hit a powerful half volley, but the Stoke keeper made a fine save diving to his right.

The game was made safe on 58 minutes when Matty once again was fed the ball, this time by Anton, who was having a much better second half. Matty got near to the byline and then executed an fantastic little jink which was met by the head of Marlon.

From then on there was only one winner. We held the ball for long periods and mid-table Stoke didn’t seem that interested. Fred was particularly impressed by Taggart who took a throw in whilst laying on the ground following a tumble into trouch.

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Cohen came on for Matty, presumably because he was not fully match fit and there seemed little point in risking him with the big matches to come. Then on trotted Hutch – I thought I had seen the last of him as a West Ham player – and he combined well with Marlon to hold the ball down the right.

In the final ten minutes, Carrick blasted over following good work by Marlon who managed to fox a couple of defenders. Then Carrick fed Marlon who put in a great shot which was saved.

If it ain’t broke don’t change it

Overall, a satisfactory performance and certainly much better in the second half where Stoke didn’t threaten at all. The back four looked pretty solid again and Dailly had another good game. I’m inclined to stick with these four for next week.

The stakes are getting higher every week, but results elsewhere were reasonably good for the second week in a row. It is tighter than a camel’s a*se in a sandstorm up the top of the table and I hope we get luckier than we did last year in the final run-in. I just know that Fred, ESM Jnr and me are going to be very nervous the next time we go up the M6 in two weeks’ time. In the meantime let’s make sure we deal with Watford.

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West Ham 4 Watford 0 (1st May, 2004)

The day the clowns came to Upton Park and Oxford Fred decides to do some player ratings.

As a kid I was never a fan of the circus, in fact I never quite understood why people found clowns funny. Today though, just about everybody was laughing their socks off as two West Ham fans turned up in full clown garb to take their place in the front row of the Bobby Moore Upper.

My neighbour said “That must be the new Directors’ Box”, but the real reason why they had turned up in slap head wigs, red noses and over-sized trousers became apparent after half time when they unfurled a banner which said “Brown, stop treating us like a bunch of clowns”.

That has got to feature as one of the best protests at Upton Park I have ever seen. I wonder if Mr Brown had a laugh about it. I doubt it, as recent behaviour suggests that he has had a sense of humour by-pass.

The crowd was the 12th man

It was a full-house to see this crucial game and the atmosphere was really electric from the outset. Hope had been restored in our hearts with the recent run of form and the crowd was up for it.

The positive vibes seemed to immediately transfer to the team, which was unchanged from the trip to Stoke, with the exception of a rare start for Hutch who was in for the suspended Connors. It was Hutch that really looked energised from the outset and seemed to be everywhere – winning balls in the air and making a series of excellent tackles in 50/50 situations.

The first real chance for the Irons came on 12 minutes when Zamora was brought down clumsily as he was bearing down on goal in a central position. The free kick that followed from Harewood was very poor as it was fired into the base of the wall.

Don’s daisy cutter

Just three minutes later, an almost carbon copy foul took place, this time on Lomas as he was steaming in. This time, Hutch was given the opportunity to take the free kick and he fired in a real daisy-cutter just to the left of the wall and beating the Watford keeper hands down. Hutch looked ecstatic and fully deserved the goal for the superb tempo of his game.

Inexplicably, Marlon was allowed to take another free kick on 20 minutes after he was brought down on the left hand side of the box. The result was not much batter than the previous one he had taken – it was ballooned well over the bar.

Watford then had a couple of decent moves on 20 and 21 minutes. The first saw Dailly outpaced down the left hand side, but Bywater calmly tipped the shot over the crossbar. A similar palm over followed after a free kick was fired in.

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Marlon gets stuck in

Marlon’s shooting may have been a bit under par, but he could not be criticised for his closing down of the opposition in their own half and around the half way line. He won a number of balls or stopped an opponent in his tracks.

On 27 minutes, Zamora picked up a good pass down the right and made a run down the wing, but ended up running into a blind alley and putting the ball beyond the dead ball line. A minute later, there was an excellent exchange of passes between Matty and Marlon, sending Matty off on a characteristic run. Although his cross was blocked, Dailly got a good header on the resulting corner which was just touched over by the keeper. Marlon was then guilty of wasting a free header from Carrick’s corner.

Carrick looked like he was enjoying himself in central midfield and was spraying some fine passes around. Lomas was playing his part too and fed a great ball through to Marlon on 38 minutes. Once again, though, his shot was off target.

Steve makes me nervous

Although Bywater had been called upon to make a couple of saves earlier on, his main involvement in the game was to clear back passes. This part of his game has not been his strongest and on 40 minutes he made a hesitant approach and cannoned the ball off the advancing Watford striker.

Two minutes later Zamora looked like he had run into a dead end, but managed to get a shot in from a tight angle which was blocked over the bar. Matty whipped in a great corner and there was Dailly unmarked to put in powerful header. It looked like Hutch might have got the last touch on it, but there was no doubt it was goal-bound the minute it left Dailly’s head.

2-0 and we were cruising and even Frodo came out at half time to express his undying love for the Hammers.

More of the same

We began the second half pretty much as we had finished the first. Marlon had a header well saved from a corner and then on 55 minutes Lomas poached a ball in midfield allowing him to make a penetrating run on goal. One on one with the keeper, Steve decided to try and place it with the side of his foot, but the keeper saw it coming and saved comfortably.

Zamora then made a couple of good moves. The first on 58 minutes, saw the Z- man take a ball down sweetly and then slot a ball back to the waiting Hutch. Don got a good shot in on goal, but this was saved well down low by the keeper. The second move, three minutes later saw him bundled over in the box and the ref – who had a good game throughout – pointed at the penalty spot.

With no Connors to dispute who should take it, Marlon stepped up and the keeper made a save diving to his left. However, the linesman was not happy – presumably the keeper had come off his line rather than along it – and the ref motioned for the spot kick to be taken again. The second time of asking, Marlon did not fail and hit the ball the other way.

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Game over

The third goal closed the game down. Cohen came on for Matty on 63 minutes. Matty looks like he’s still short of fitness and Pardew was clearly thinking of the playoff games to come.

Carrick made a fantastic run on 66 minutes, carrying the ball all the way from the halfway line. He tried to lob the keeper, but he made a fine save. A minute later, Cohen then nearly added to the goals with a shot that just cleared the cross bar.

West Ham were well in control now and Zamora showed good pace and strength on 66 minutes after latching onto a pass from Marlon. Again, the keeper made an excellent save.

Z-man had played better in the second half, but Pardew decided to swap him for Jobi on 75 minutes. Apart from a diabolical pass from Anton that was massively overhit towards the corner flag, nothing much happened until the final four minutes. Marlon spurned another chance from a good position when he greedily shot and then at our end Dailly appeared from nowhere to clear off the line when a goal looked certain. The denouement was a minute into injury time when Jobi made a terrific run and put in a powerful shot which the keeper could not hold. Marlon jumped in to put away the fourth goal.

We’ve had a fine run of form and you have to say that the turning point came after that disastrous Easter weekend. Three wins on the bounce and no goals conceded is testament to a real turnaround in our fortunes. I remember last year when we were playing well at the end but results were not going for us elsewhere. This year, the teams we have had to worry about have lost the plot at the crucial time. Wigan’s failure in Nottingham today leaves us in a position where only a major disaster up there next week will mean that we don’t make the playoffs. See you at the JJB for an East London knees up.

Player ratings by Oxford Fred:

Steven Bywater (7): A couple of good saves. I like the kid, but his kicking is pants. Ludo, show him how to do it.

Hayden Mullins (7): Has this ability to go unnoticed. But I like it that way. Pretty faultless.

Christian Dailly (8): Looks better without mad Tom around. Great goal and a clearance off the line as well. I wish people would get off his case.

Andy Melville (7): OK, he creaks a bit, but we need old pros around at a time like this. Solid job, just like last week.

Anton Ferdinand (7): A much more confident display. Seems to be getting himself in better positions. Didn’t look at all ruffled by Devlin.

Donaldo Hutchinson (9): Brilliant throughout. Tasty goal and led by example. Clearly really wanted it today and I reckon that he had a good shout for the second goal. Should have taken the penalty. MAN OF THE MATCH.

Michael Carrick (8): Looked classy and left the tough stuff to Lomas and Hutch. Passing and link play very nice indeed. I’m knocking a mark off for that mullet haircut. What is he playing at?

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Matty Etherington (6): Quiet game, although not a lot of service down the left. Good corner taking. Still lacking fitness?

Steve Lomas (7): Heart on sleeve as usual. Couple of wayward passes.

Marlon Harewood (7): Running around like Connors and tackling like a trooper. Two goals but quite a few wasted chances that probably should have been converted. On another day the poor shooting could have been costly.

Bobby Zamora (7): Went on a road to nowhere a few times in the first half. Much better in the second half and showed a real turn of pace. Earnt the penalty.

Chris Cohen (6): Sub for Matty. Very enthusiastic but not much product. One shot that went over.

Jobi McAnuff (7): Sub for Z-man. Not much of the ball, but I loved the run that led to the fourth goal.

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Wigan 1 West Ham 1 (9th May, 2004)

The match that created the twist of fate that ultimately kept us down after Deano got a last gasp goal that launched Palace into the playoffs.

Never have so many stretch limos descended on Wigan in its entire municipal history. Approaching the JJB stadium, one of these garish white monsters was in trouble with a flat tyre. Several inebriated Hammers fans were decanted and I heard one utter the immortal lines: “You sort out the flat, I’m off to see about a council house.”

Agadoo

I have experienced some dire pre-match entertainment in my time. I thought the ‘City Gent’ at Bradford was about as bad as it got. But at Wigan we had the worst crooner I have heard for ages and an MC in a straw hat and a hula-hula skirt. The Wigan Athletic song was also making my ears bleed. It was a bit like ‘Black Lace’ meets the world’s worst pub singer. The northerners seemed to lap it up – this demonstrates more than anything else why there is a north/south divide. I’ll never understand their culture.

At least the Wigan Chairman David Whelan came out on the pitch to thank the fans. Can you imagine what would happen if Old Man Brown came trotting out onto the turf at Upton Park? They’d need more Old Bill than there was at the Den to keep order.

The starting lineup was the same as the week before. No doubt Pardew had decided to follow the old rule that “if it aint broke, don’t change it”. I have to say that I was prepared to go along with that, although I would have preferred to have seen Connors playing.

He aint heavy, he’s Rio’s brother

The very first kick of the match made me nervous as West Ham’s leading right- sided left back almost fluffed it and let in Gary Teale. Anton was to have a torrid time during the first half and Teale was his constant tormenter.

Wigan’s aggressive start was no great surprise given their need to score four without reply to overhaul West Ham in the league standings. Our attitude seemed to be to play to limit the defeat, which defied logic.

The first shot on the Hammers goal came on 5 minutes following a nice flick on down the right. This was swiftly followed 2 minutes later by fierce shot from the right that Bywater turned around the post.

On 12 minutes, there was a terrible cock-up by Anton when he allowed the ball to bounce. A clever lob shot followed from the Wigan attacker which was superbly saved by Bywater. It looked in all the way from my vantage point, but somehow it was helped over the top.

Under sustained pressure, West Ham should have conceded a goal on 19 minutes when a free header at Bywater’s left post was put wide.

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Hooooooooooooof!

We looked clueless. A lot of hoofing up to the Z-man who seemed to be incapable of either controlling the ball or holding it. The midfield was just completely bypassed, there was no use of the flanks at all and more often than not the ball just came back straight at us. A bloke in front of me perfected a chant of “hoooooooooof!” which sounded like a cow in considerable pain, every time we cleared it. The attitude of the team was exemplified by the booking of Hayden Mullins on 28 minutes for time-wasting. I can’t remember the last time that one of our players was booked so early in a match for this offence.

Our first and last attack on goal in the first half swiftly followed, when Marlon got his foot on a long ball into the box, but the Wigan keeper took the shot comfortably.

The possession and fluent passing of Wigan finally paid off on 34 minutes when following a good move down the left, the ball came out to x just inside the box and he slammed a powerful shot past Bywater.

The first 45 minutes was a negative and nervy display, and quite frankly we could have been 3 – 0 down. No-one in claret and blue had stood out at all and I was relieved to hear that Palace was losing at Coventry.

It got better in the second half, although the first threat came from a shot over the bar by Nathan Ellington on 50 minutes. Three minutes later Marlon went on a good run down the right, but his ball back across the box was wasted as there was no-one there to take advantage.

Irish industry

Thankfully, on 56 minutes, Connors was introduced to replace Hutch. Almost immediately the busy grafting that characterises Connors paid off when he made a great pass to Matty who then was the provider to Z-man in the box. Unfortunatly his goal-bound shot was blocked.

On 68 minutes Dailly came up to get a good header on a corner which found its way to an unmarked Marlon. His header was good but cleared off the line. Two minutes later, Marlon put in a fine pass over the top of the Wigan defence to find Zamora whose first time shot was saved.

The old pro steals it

The next move by Pardew – bringing on Deano for the largely ineffective Z-man – was to prove decisive in ending Wigan’s play-off hopes. Nigel Reo-Coker, who had replaced the anonymous Matty, won a free kick with one minute to go in a central position 5 yards outside the box. I said to Oxford Fred that “It would be very hard on ‘em if we score now”.

Of course it went in, after Deano rose unmarked at the far post to head in. It would have been even harsher two minutes later if Marlon had fired in after a strong run down the right, but his shot just went over. Fred got particularly excited about that one as he had bet on a 2-1 West Ham win.

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Ungrateful Palace tw*ts

I have to say that although I was overjoyed at the last gasp goal I also felt very sorry for the Wigan fans. If you’re a football fan, you have to feel a little gutted for this unfashionable club, and my view of this was reinforced by the utter sh*te I heard from Palace fans on Talk Sport on the long journey back. Rather than thanking us for digging them out of hole, they spent most of their time criticising the West Ham away support at Selhurst Park.

This was one of those games where we got something we probably didn’t deserve. It was Wigan players like Teale and Jimmy Bullard which shone, while West Ham’s best players were Bywater, Dailly and Connors.

Now we’ll all have to wait and see if the confusing ticket office arrangements for the play-offs deliver tickets to our doors. Naturally, like you I’m not sleeping well thinking about the games to come. I’m worried that Anton will be found wanting and as worried by a return of Repka. I’m not convinced that Zamora should start and I certainly want to see Connors on the pitch. I’m also concerned that Matty is not going to be fit at the crucial time. Let’s be positive though and let’s do something that many have failed to do adequately so far – pay proper and due respect to the achievement of Pardew in giving us a real stab at a return to the Premiership.

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West Ham 2 Ipswich 0 (Playoff Semi Final 2nd leg, 18th May, 2004)

The most glorious day of last season. One hell of a celebration where I would have even hugged Old Man Brown.

ESM Jnr and I were sitting in the traffic coming off the North Circular when a couple of Ipswich coaches drew up alongside on the way to the game. They thought I was giving ‘em the old two finger salute, but I was merely pointing out that we were going to win 2 – 0.

Bravado really, as I had spent most of the day in turmoil. Maybe it’s the impact of 18 months of pain and disappointment, but I’ve got to admit that I wasn’t feeling too confident. My humour wasn’t helped by the manager’s pre-match comments which seemed to predict meltdown if we fail to achieve promotion. Not the most positive thing to focus upon before this crucial match, was it?

Group therapy

Call it group therapy, but the minute I emerged into the hallowed ground of the East Stand Upper, my doubts began to fade. It put the hairs on the back of your neck up – an incredible sound of the massed ranks of Irons super-charged and up for it in a way which has not been experienced for a very long time. Call me sentimental, but I had a flash back to being a teenager and standing in the North Bank. This is what being a West Ham fan is all about, and watching your son bellow out ‘Knees up Mother Brown’.

The team was unchanged from Saturday, which did cause me some concern as I felt that Zamora had not merited inclusion. The problem was that the fall-back was Deano, who these days is always going to struggle to make it through the full 90.

Z-man had a chance to prove me wrong in the very first minute when he went on a run down the right. He got to the byline and fluffed it.

Close call

The next piece of action could have made the night a wake rather than a celebration. Darren Bent, who had been a right handful at Portman Road managed to break free and advanced menacingly on goal. One on one with Bywater, he scuffed in wide of the post. He will be ruing that one for some time to come.

This proved to be the last real opportunity of the half for Ipswich, as West Ham treated the Bent miss as a wake up call. On three minutes Carrick hit a great ball to Marlon who then went a powerful run down the middle. It had the mark of the goal he scored away at Norwich, but this time he blasted it over the bar.

Then on 5 minutes, Matty had his first say in the game with a terrific run down the left. He managed to square the ball back to the waiting Lomas who hit a volley as sweet as a nut at the top of the cross bar. Now the crowd was hitting frenzy level.

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Z-man, who was not impressing again with his close control of the ball then was given a great opportunity to score when Connors rescued what looked like a lost cause by delivering a cross from the dead ball line. Z-man got a good head on it with both direction and power, but Kelvin Davis made a superb save, flinging himself to the left.

In these first 15 minutes, Carrick was really showing his class with a stunning array of passes. He found Matty on 14 minutes, but he blasted wide.

Who’s that at right back?

It was then that I began to notice this right back in a West Ham shirt who looked like Repka, but was passing like a midfielder. He was everywhere and was getting forward into some dangerous positions down the flank. Although the red mist did descend a bit later in the game when he began to berate the linesman over a couple of decisions, there can be little doubt that this was one of his best performances this season. Let’s hope for another one in Cardiff.

Dailly, who I think has been playing excellently over recent weeks then had everybody out of their seats (those that weren’t already standing up, that is) on 19 minutes when he struck an absolutely devastating shot from outside the area. The ball rose like a golf shot I saw Greg Norman play about 10 years ago, but once again Davis pulled off a magnificent save, this time diving to his right.

The second half of the first half saw West Ham lose a bit of tempo. Zamora put a header wide following a Matty cross on 21 minutes and just after the half hour Wilnis was lucky to stay on the pitch after he deliberately handled a Z-man pass that looked like it would have set Matty off through on goal.

A half clearly dominated by West Ham, but the fact was we will still behind. The task for Pardew was clearly to maintain belief that we could get a deserved breakthrough against an Ipswich side that looked totally blown away by the occasion.

Hammer of the Year does it again

The crowd was not quite so vocal as the teams emerged for the second half but the temperature soon got cranked up again by a run by Marlon on 47 minutes, which ended in a weak shot. But then came the breakthrough two minutes later when Matty received a short corner and burst into a trademark run. We got a fantastic view of the exquisite shot he made beyond the reach of the ‘keeper. Ecstatic. You don’t know the meaning of the word. Once again Matty showed why he is the Hammer of the Year.

Z-man’s last contribution before he was replaced by Deano on 57 minutes was to give the ball away again. Yet again another disappointing performance and the only downside on the night.

Deano’s head

Deano was immediately menacing in the air and his presence was required against Elliott, who seemed to be carrying on where he left off on Saturday. On 61 minutes, Deano got his head on a cross which fell to the feet of Connors. He should have put it away but failed to do so. A minute later Connors made a great link pass to Matty in full flight, but his shot soared high and wide.

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On 19 minutes, Connors should have sealed it when Deano won another header which fell to the feat of the Irishman. He advanced rapidly on goal with just Davis to beat, but his lob shot over the keeper found the top netting rather than the goal.

Ipswich had created little at all in the second half, but it was an uncharacteristic error by Carrick on 68 minutes which nearly let them in. However, the ball was blasted wastefully wide.

The captain shows the way

The goal that took us to the Principality came on 70 minutes when the captain managed to stab out a shot after getting the ball in his vitals from a corner. Apart from the sheer delight of that goal going in, I was really pleased for Dailly himself who has taken a lot of unjustified barracking this year.

The last 20 minutes was a very nervy affair, particularly after Elliott was sent up front to try and intimidate in the box. Apparently there was a good shout for a penalty, when Dailly nearly turned from hero to zero, but the real frightener came in the very final minute, when Westlake hit a corking shot against the right hand upright. Sometimes they go in, but it would have been a very cruel outcome if it had.

I haven’t mentioned Mullins so far, but he has to take a lot of the credit for dealing with Bent, who was a real threat last Saturday. A very solid performance by the defence all round, and Melville did another excellent ‘old pro’s’ performance.

One more to go

The ground erupted into chaos when the final whistle went. ESM Jnr looked at me and said, “You can’t believe it, can you?” He was right, I was in a bit of shock as there was always a bit of me that felt that we might press the self-destruct button.

I’m glad that there was no lap of honour at the end. The job isn’t finished. Not for the team and not for the fans. We need to go to Cardiff and raise the roof like we’ve never done before. Wembley 1975. Wembley 1980. Cardiff 2004. We are on the road to fulfil our destiny and get back where we belong. As the captain said in an almost impenetrable Scottish accent when he was given the microphone, “One more to go and we’re going there to win.” How we stay up if we get there is a subject for another day.

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Crystal Palace 1 West Ham 0 (Playoff Final, Cardiff, 29th May, 2004)

Absolute and complete disaster. It was such a great day out until the match started. Oxford Fred totally loses it after seeing Graham Poll step onto the pitch as ref.

It’s not often you find me in a gay bar, but I thought I’d make an exception for the visit to Cardiff. Besides, I do actually quite like Abba and it happened to be the only place anywhere near the Stadium where the bar wasn’t 20 people deep.

High anxiety

You know, I woke up feeling anxious. You may say that I’m saying this with hindsight, but I really did not feel that today was going to be the day. Nothing to do with the trip there. That was fine as Oxford Fred came up with the idea about going via Chepstow and missing the bridge.

It’s all about gut feeling sometimes and my gut was not good. Maybe it was something to do with my take on the last two times a team managed by Iain Dowie had played us. We lost out at Selhurst Park over Easter and then who could forget that time Oldham came to Upton Park and mugged us in the cup? The latter was in the middle of dark days when our Roeder-led outfit relied on the long ball and Ian Pearce was sent up front as an emergency centre forward. But more about the long ball later.

What really made the confidence drain out of me though was the way the media was reporting our manager’s take on the game. Maybe they twisted his key message, but the way it came over was all about the consequences of failure. If we don’t win then we’re in deep sh*t. Now you can call me an amateur psychologist, but I always thought that you should focus on the upsides. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, as the old Bing Crosby song used to go.

Iron solidarity

Anyway, let’s just dwell on happier times for a minute. I can’t say I’ve felt more elated for a long time than I did amongst my fellow fans in the couple of hours before kick off. There we all were, young and old, flagged-up, made up and pissed up. It was a gathering of the clan, a riot of claret and blue. We were amongst our own and we were united.

I should also say that the Stadium and the organisation there was absolutely fantastic. They know how to run a big game and that ground is magnificent. If new Wembley is as good as that then we’ll all be happy. It’s set the standard.

OK. You’ve worked out what I’m up to. I’m trying to avoid talking about the game itself. You know why, but I’m going to have to get round to it. So here goes in four short words: We didn’t turn up.

Here’s another way of looking at it: We froze at the big occasion, in the same way Ipswich lost the plot at Upton Park.

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First half shortcomings

What went wrong in the first half? Finishing. Now I know you may be getting fed up of hearing it from me, but the Z-man did not do the business yet again. Just how poor has he been over the last two months or so? Not up to scratch at all, so maybe the performance at Cardiff didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. Games like this are won and lost on chances being taken. The opportunity in the 20th minute needed some guile and skill. Z-man’s effort was predictable.

Quite frankly, form dictated that Z-man should not have even started and that Pardew should have had the courage to change something which is not really working – our top scorer marooned out on the right wing. Marlon didn’t get a sniff, primarily because he wasn’t given the ball. Our tactics took him out of the game, while a poorly performing striker was left in the centre.

You can also howl me down if you like, but Saturday was the day that the chickens came home to roost on the Defoe sale. That unnecessary sale did not gain us £6 million, it lost us £25 million. I know you have heard me say it before and there are many who say that Defoe would not have performed for us if he had stayed. I just ask you to picture Jermain on the end of that Carrick pass with 20 minutes gone. We needed a game-winning goal poacher desperately in that game, but Brown wanted to do the deal with ENIC.

The other thing that went badly wrong for us in the first half was that Mullins had a howler down the left, wile his main adversary, Routledge had a really good game. The first example of that was when a miskick by Mullins allowed Routledge to whip in a cross which Johnson put just over. I’m loathe to criticise Hayden, though. This is a player who has been asked to cover more positions than described in the Karma Sutra. The game revealed what we have all known for some time: we have a weakness down the left flank, and the man who could have done something about this had not managed to regain full fitness.

The Routledge problem meant that Matty was also dragged deeper and when he did get into more advanced positions, I have to say that Butterfield matched him for pace. This meant that the main threat area – the area which we able to exploit in the Ipswich game - had been cancelled out.

The plus side was that we did look pretty solid in the centre of defence again and inevitable booking aside, Tom was having a pretty decent game. His positional sense looked good throughout and he was certainly in the right place at the right time to clear off the line, although Bywater deserves some credit for getting something on the flicked shot.

Second half

There was a chance to change the set up at half time, but Pardew decided to soldier on. Part of the problem was probably trying to work out who to put down the right flank if Marlon was brought into a central position to replace Zamora.

We actually started the second half more positively, with Connors making a good run and then a poor shot. This was swiftly followed by one of the few shots on goal by Lomas. It was a good save but the keeper had time, due to the fact that Stevie was some way outside the box.

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The goal, when it came, was pretty ugly. Johnson did some good work and managed to fire in a shot through Tom’s legs. At this point you could criticise the Bywater spillage, but he was completely unsighted and I have seen much more experienced keepers fail to hold onto shots like that. I also have to say that Bywater has put in a very creditable performance for the team this year.

Claudio Pardew

What was really perplexing after the goal, was the extraordinary decision of the manager to take off Zamora, Marlon and then Connors. I would put that decision in the realms of the cock-up made by Ranieri in the Champions League. The obvious thing to have done would surely have been to have replaced Z-man with Deano, moved Marlon central and maybe tried Reo-Coker or Hutch down the right, replacing a defender?

I well recall what happened when Paolo scored against Man U in the cup. Fergie recognised with 20 minutes to go that he had to put four up front to try and salvage something. This wasn’t the first leg, this was the last and only chance we had. Instead, we took all of the pace out of the attack and Deano stranded, nodding down to nobody. It was like we reverted to the long ball, without anybody there to pick up the scraps when Deano got his head on it. I hate the long ball game, but can see how it might work under certain circumstances. But the long ball game with no purpose? What was the sense of that?

Maybe we should have got a penalty when Carrick was felled, for probably the last time in a West Ham shirt. Maybe we would have gone on to win in extra time. I doubt it – we had no strikers on the pitch. Again I ask, what was Pardew playing at?

As I said before, Dowie has now mugged us three times. He got the psychology right. He got the tactics right. He got his team playing as a unit and with self- belief. I think we should all recognise that he got the better of Pardew.

I still believe that Pardew is the right man for the job, by the way. I am not one of those that say we should have chosen Dowie when we had the chance. That is 20/20 hindsight. Pardew has now got to show immense mental strength to get the team challenging again next season. I wish him well, although he faces a very difficult time ahead in an even more competitive division. At the end of next season, we will know whether he has got what it takes.

As much as I admired the Millennium Stadium and enjoyed the experience outside of the game, I don’t ever want to go back there. You might say, wouldn’t you take a trip there if it was the FA Cup? Nope. I’d even turn that one down as the chances are we would be doing a Millwall. It would be a distraction. We need to be out of this division and nothing else is important. We also need to do it automatically and not suffer the lottery of that one-off game, relying on it being third time lucky for Pardew.

Where do we go from here?

I was evasive at the front of this piece and tried to look at some of the positive things about our biggest day out for 20 years. I’m going to conclude on a negative note, which I believe is ultimately positive.

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One of the downsides of achieving promotion would have been the shoring-up of the ruling Brown clique at our club. Don’t get me wrong, I would have taken promotion even if this had meant getting Brown free. Or more accurately, getting Brown with his inflated salary and perks reinstated and back paid to the point when he took a cut after relegation.

We now face a situation where we are £35 million in the red and instead of a £25 million bonus, all we have is a £6 million parachute payment. We also face a highly testing second year in the Coca Cola League and the prospect of further player sales. Carrick is already history and I am fearful that we might lose Matty. We need to invest to make progress.

The reality of Saturday’s reversal is that the need for Brown to move on has become even more urgent, and hopefully more possible. Time will tell on this one, but those who are seeking to promote a new leadership of our club should be encouraged. Brown will say that those that oppose him are being opportunistic and trying to profit from the club’s misfortunes. Dismiss that as no more than the desperate spin of a tired Stalinist regime which is well past its sell by date. We need to move on and move on quickly.

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Post-season thoughts (29th June, 2004)

My round up of the season. Some repetition of old stuff that seemed to be important plus some other things that made me laugh.

Now that two debacles in a row are out the way, one in Cardiff, one in Lisbon, it’s time for a little closure on the disappointing 2003/04 season. I hope you’ll enjoy some things that came back to me in a little retrospective through some of the notable points of my season.

Farewell Uncle Colin

The first game of the season finds me in the blistering heat at Enfield’s Registry Office. Now this is a place which raises one or two memories for me as this is where I pledged my troth (or whatever). Naturally that all ended in tears some time ago, but there we were gathered for the nuptials of my mate Mick who happens to be a Derby fan.

Yours truly has got fingered to do the photography as I happen to fancy myself a bit at that and I’m happily snapping away on a digital camera so that I can show the pictures at the reception. Mick is getting married to Ali, who is about as Scottish as you can get. Half the gathered company is trussed up in kilts and for those of you who know Enfield, the registry office is right next door to a pub. Needless to say our Caledonian friends are putting the lager away like it’s going to be the subject of a nationwide ban the day after.

I get introduced to Uncle Colin, a big Rangers fan and walking proof of why Scotland is at the top of the unhealthy league table in Europe. Anyway, just as I start snapping, I hear that Preston have put one away against the mighty Irons. Much abuse follows, particularly from Mick’s best man, who is the Director of Communications at the FA and a Yid of long-standing.

I, of course have the last laugh as we turn the game around and win 2-1. This has set me up for a long night’s celebration, when Uncle Colin’s wife is seen walking round the reception asking if anybody has seen him lately as he’s gone missing. Maybe he’s in the toilet says somebody and off they go to see if he’s in there.

He is in there alright. Stone dead Elvis-style in the disabled toilet. I kid you not. Kilt round his ankles and brown bread. Taken by Scotland’s biggest killer, a heart attack. That’s why I will never forget the first game of the season after we took the drop.

Roeder gets his P45

Long after we had all been asking him to do something about the manager, our illustrious chairman finally gives him the bullet or tells him he is “released” as the club’s press release euphemistically put it.

This actually makes me angrier than the failure to deal with the situation back on December 3rd 2002 (I am quite precise about this, it was when we lost 1-0 at home in the 90th minute to Southampton).

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Here’s what I said at the time:

It defies belief what has been going on here. Correct me if I’m wrong but this looks like Brown allowing Roeder to continue in his job during the fire sale of our best players. “Don’t worry Glenn, although we’re going to sell some of our best players, your job is safe. We have to stick together for the good of the club”.

No wonder Roeder’s angry. He’s been strung along and sold a lie just like the rest of us and then given the bullet after just three games. As much as I wanted Roeder to go, who can say that there is any logic in the timing now? In fact, it drags my confidence in the Board of the club to a new nadir.

If someone could make a case for not sacking Roeder in December 2002 (what I have previously called the Mr Micawber strategy – ‘something will turn up’), what possible justification was there for not dispensing with Roeder’s services at the end of last season? OK, you might argue that this may not have been the most sensitive move given Roeder’s illness. But are you seriously telling me that Roeder feels any better now?

No, what has happened here is that the club has been dragged down into the depths by the loss of 16 professional players. Morale is at an all time low. And now the dirty work has been done, let’s dispense the coup de grace to Roeder. This is yellow-livered cowardice of the worst kind. I don’t like it and it compounds the incompetence that led to his appointment in the first place and the failure to dispense with his services at the most appropriate time.

As it turned out the one thing that I said at the time that I got badly wrong was my advice to Terry Brown not to hire Iain Dowie. I’ve thought about that a lot, particularly after two games I attended: one at Selhurst Park and one….well you know where the other one was. The reason I was against Dowie was not so much his ability, but a desire to see the club move on from appointing an ex-player or somebody who happened to spend part of their youth in DM’s in the North Bank.

Maybe it was because Dowie had been rejected by us that he became even more determined to succeed. I reckon he turned up in Cardiff with more desire and a real will to prove that Mr Brown had got it wrong once again. Tell us something we didn’t already know, Iain.

Chicken shit

Returning from Vegas in November where I thankfully miss the home defeat to West Brom, West Ham United plc publishes its annual accounts to May 2003.

Adopting a popular American phrase, I conclude that Brown’s claim that everything is rosy in the West Garden is chicken shit. According to him he seems very content with an operating profit of £2.9m, record season-ticket sales, average attendances of 34,200 at Upton Park and a profitable hospitality wing.

I beg to differ:

We took the drop;

Probably £25 million + has gone down the drain – 50% of our turnover;

We sack our manager at an inexplicable time early in the season;

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We sell our prize assets and get left with a depleted squad which has a large number of loan signings;

We consistently deliver poor financial results;

The man at the top acts like a parasite - taking money out rather than putting money in;

As a result of this chaos, we will do well to make the Nationwide play offs.

In the event, we did do well to make the play-offs and then it goes tits up.

Farewell Defoe

I was saying it back in December that Brown was getting ready to sell. The little “not right in the head” quip was all part of the plan. This was the single most stupid thing that was done during the season. I know that there are those that still do not see this, but here are a few things that I said at the time of the sale:

Because Brown is risk averse and puts self-preservation at the top of his list, I always believed that the Defoe deal was likely to be done. You may disagree with me, but an entrepreneur would have looked at the situation and decided that there was more logic in holding on to our most potent striker to see if we could still claim the ultimate prize of promotion.

For me, I think that the downside on holding onto Jermain, until the summer was probably no more than £2 million. The prize was £25 to £30 million. Brown's bottle went some time ago. The club's creditors know that the only way they are going to get paid is through player trading. I believe he has already calculated that we are going to stay down and simply wasn't prepared to take the risk. He also faced pressure from creditors. His contingency planning is now in place for us to stay down, and with him still at the helm.

My main argument, which I still hold, is that Jermain the Defoe is a special footballing talent and the only player of true international class we had left at our disposal. I wanted to see him on the pitch, adding the extra crucial element in the latter part of this season. I hope to see us in the play offs and I still maintain that the difference between success and failure could well hinge on the extra quality of a player like Jermain.

I’m not going to mention Defoe again. I’ve moved on. The funny thing is that Both Pardew and Ericsson did not have his services and I happen to think that it was to the detriment of both. Of course, we will never know, but one thing we do know is that we will be playing Plymouth Argyle next season.

Things that made me smile

In their wisdom, someone decided that it would be good to come up with a song for Zamora that suggested that he might be better than Defoe. Never has a song been so far wide of the mark. Will we ever hear it again – I doubt it.

I once travelled from Lebanon into Syria by road, trying to dodge a few Syrian tanks on the way. Now I’m no Biblical scholar but I do know that there is a religious reference here about changing your mind “on the road to Damascus”. This is what happened to my neighbour and friend Andy in the East Stand Upper. To start with Matty Etherington was a “useless Yiddo twat.” Then Andy travelled down that road: “He’s quality, the best thing I’ve seen down here this season.”

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The introduction by our friend Jenny the Wolves fan to a mate of hers after the FA Cup match up there. This is a man that has a hatred so deep of West Brom that even when his financial adviser told him the cheapest mortgage was on offer from the West Bromwich Building Society, he simply said “I’d rather pay more than give any of my hard earned cash to those c**ts.”

Those two blokes who turned up one match day at Upton Park dressed as clowns and then unfurled a banner: “Brown, stop treating us like clowns.”

The biggest gathering of stretch limos ever away at Wigan and then in Cardiff. Broken down limos and West Ham fans pissing up the side of them along the motorway.

The fans that turned up at Portman Road in the play-off semi final with a giant ‘Norwich’ banner.

Listening to Sp*rs fans whining on Talk Sport most Saturday afternoons.

The last minute goal by Hutch away at Derby and the free Thai meal that followed from my Derby-supporting mates. The perfectly good Derby goal disallowed at Upton Park in the return game, which saved me buying them a Thai meal. The same bet applies this season unfortunately.

Mascots that actually are worse than ‘Herbie the Hammer’ and ‘Bubbles the Bear’: that mutant computer at Fulham and the fat northern b*stard that walks around as the ‘City Gent’ at Bradford.

Getting penned in at Stoke in the car park and someone saying, “F*ck me, it’s Camp X-Ray”.

Being in a pub in Enfield amongst a bunch of Sp*rs fans when Citeh came back from the dead.

Matty scoring a hat trick when I had his goal minutes in a spread bet – £400 profit.

Seeing all the travelling Irons in Barbados at the cricket.

Ending up in a gay bar in Cardiff and seeing Oxford Fred looking most perplexed visiting the facilities.

Things that pissed me off

The catering in the East Stand.

Trying to find a car parking space.

Those rubbish mascots of ours. Did you see what those mental mascot horses did at Ipswich to wind up their fans? Do you think it might be a good idea to get a mascot doing something similar at West Ham?

The pitch still being too far away from the East Stand.

The Hammerettes. Tired old format. They do nothing for me. Yawn.

Sp*rs fans. Just about every day of every week.

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Terry Brown. Just about every hour of every day

Graham f*cking Poll. Not once. But twice. Fulham and Cardiff. That mincing Swiss tosser has nothing on him. Oxford Fred hates him so much he nearly totally lost it when the Chelscum c**t emerged on the pitch at Cardiff.

Having to spend another year outside the Premiership.

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West Ham 0 Wigan 2 (15th August 2004)

Outclassed at home at my first visit to Upton Park in the 2004/05 season.

I saw a wildlife film on holiday about this photographer who got a chunk taken out of his arm by a shark. The bloke was about to go back in the water for the first time since he had been a snack for a great white. He put a brave face on it but I knew how he felt when he slid over the side of the boat as I approached Upton Park for the first time this year.

I was away in Thailand and missed the first two games, but I had heard that we had been unconvincing. Whilst we had never lost a competitive game against Wigan, this match was always going to be a real tester, given their decent start to the season. The likelihood was that they are going to be in the mix for the playoffs – they came close last year until Deano rose like a fish and headed Palace into the final games. I still hold that against him.

The long ball returns

Maybe they were fired up by that memory as it was clear from the start that they were in a positive and determined frame of mind. My first reaction to the West Ham tactics was that it looked like the long ball up to Teddy hoping for the flick on was going to feature too much. So it proved.

The first few minutes saw a couple of West Ham moves: one led to a stretching volley by Teddy which went way over; the other led to a scuffed shot by Mullins after Rebrov latched onto a ball over the top.

Early disaster

Burt the first Wigan attack on 4 minutes led to disaster. Nathan Ellington – who had a terrific match - rose unmarked to meet a ball coming over from the right to loop in a controlled header beyond the despairing dive of Bywater. Quite frankly Ellington and his mate Jason Roberts made our central defence look like mugs today. I lost count of time they won balls in the air – they were a right handful and we had no answer to it.

What was clear from early on was that our midfield looked totally out of it. Sure, the long ball was by passing them a lot, but when we did get the ball, we kept giving it away. Mullins was a particular culprit, but Reo Coker was not much better.

No quality in midfield

What is really disturbing me is that we have no-one who is able to make quality passes out of midfield. Reo can win the ball alright, but his final ball looks suspect to me. I now that this is a forlorn hope, but is there anyway that we can keep Carrick? We need his ability desperately. At least we might connect with a pass or two, which our hopeless midfield failed to do today.

On 9 minutes Teddy slotted a ball out to Marlon who looked bizarrely out of position down the left. He put a great ball in to Rebrov, who miskicked it. Somehow the ball came out to Reo Coker who connected with a powerful strike, but it rose well over the bar.

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Wigan then had a couple of set pieces and this revealed that we were looking very dodgy from decent balls whipped in. One of these from a corner on 12 minutes led to a second free header at goal which Bywater did well to hang onto down to his right. Melville was having a complete nightmare trying to cope with Ellington.

Reo Coker made a bursting run forward full of intent on 18 minutes, but he made a poor shot when the ball should have gone out wide to Rebrov. Three minutes later he did some good twisting and turning on the edge of the Wgan box, but his shot was blocked.

Much was made of Anton’s call-up the England U21 set-up at kick off, but there was little in his performance which suggested that this is merited. If they had seen the diabolical pass by Anton out of defence straight to a Wigan player on 24 minutes they might question whether they have made the right decision.

Outpassed and outpaced

The characteristic of the Wigan play throughout this period was a number of short, quick passes. It was al triangles and movement. The aim was always to find a player down the flank and they looked at least a yard faster than us. The strikers were dropping off Melville and Repka, picking up the ball and getting it wide. This was attractive football - Wigan were actually playing the game the way we should be playing it, instead of this Roederesque long ball rubbish.

Repka was not having much of a better game than Melville, and he allowed a ball to bounce over him on 27 minutes which nearly led to a Wigan striker latching onto the ball. Neither central defender seemed capable of wining a ball in the air and a minute after Repka’s error, a volley was fired in from the edge of the box after another ball was won by Wigan. Bywater was mighty relieved to see that one fizz by.

Anton looked a bit better coming forward than defending and he got a good cross over on 29 minutes, which was met by Matty on the far post. Unfortunately his header looped over.

Panic and uncertainty

The panic and uncertainty which was a feature of our defence today was revealed yet again when a sky-high ball dropped down into the box on the half hour. No- one seemed to want to take responsibility for dealing with it and Bywater fumbled it as it came down. It was lucky it did not end up in the back of the net.

Wigan’s aerial superiority was underlined again on 33 minutes when yet another cross came in from the right and Anton failed to deal with it. The header from Wigan was well held to his right by Bywater.

Ukrainian misfit

Rebrov – who we have mistakenly brought into the team in my view – looked like a fish out of water for most of this game. Pardew seems to like these last chance saloon players (Zamora is another one), but not honest grafters like a certain player who wanted to stay yet got shipped off to Leicester. The lack of a foraging player in the opposition’s half today was only too evident.

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To be fair to Rebrov, Pardew has decided that he is to be the latest victim for a spell out on the right. Rebrov is a striker. He needs to be in the box. He looked well short of pace throughout the game and made a horribly late tackle on 35 minutes which led to yet another Wigan free kick. This wasn’t deliberate – he just couldn’t get there. I wasn’t counting the free kicks in the first half, but I reckon we must have given away at least ten in dangerous positions. Rebrov also kept failing to make any passes connect at all. But he was not alone in that.

It took 37 minutes for last season’s Hammer of the Year to create anything and beat a player. After creating space, Matty hit a half shot half cross which the Wigan keeper held well.

Then further disaster hit just at the worst time with a minute to half time when a ball through the middle foxed Melville who was easily outpaced by Roberts despite an attempt by the ageing ex-Fulham defender to grab hold of his shirt. Roberts was cool as ice and rounded Bywater easily to side foot into an empty net.

It was then that our best chance came right on the stroke of half time after a flick on found Rebrov unmarked in the box. Off balance, his half volley was gathered comfortably by the ‘keeper.

Brown’s minders

The crowd then proceeded to make it known to the team exactly what they thought of the first half. Personally, I can’t remember a poorer first half performance. We were simply played off the park. I glanced up to the Directors’ box and noticed that there were two gentlemen of the constabulary in attendance. What I couldn’t work out was whether they were protecting Brown from the fans or the club’s creditors.

I was also reminded of that trip to Wigan last year when the Wigan Chairman came out on the pitch to greet the fans. Can you imagine Brown doing that? Brown would end up nicked for inciting a riot.

We also learnt at half time that the attendance was 22,600 adding to the feeling of deflation. There is a real air of decay around at the moment.

Pardew rings the changes

Pardew had to change it at half time and he made the right changes. The lacklustre and absent Marlon was replaced by Zamora and Chadwick came on for the hapless Rebrov.

Marlon really does not look interested at the moment. Maybe he thought he would get away and is fed up that Connors got a move instead. At one point he lost his boot in an attack and despite our advance on goal, strolled very languidly to retrieve his boot shaking his head.

We did start the half more positively and Chadwick made some early runs down the right. Then on 48 minutes, Reo Coker sent Matty on his way, but his cross was missed by Z-man. Brevett also put over a good cross on 56 minutes, but Z- man glanced it wide.

Then on 57 minutes came the move of the match which buried us. After a great run down the right by Teale an excellent cross was put over which Ellington met superbly to bury in the back of the net. 3-0 down and we deserved it.

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Matty was still trying hard, despite looking somewhat short of his customary pace. On 60 minutes, he put in a quality cross but Z-man was beaten to it by the Wigan defender.

Z-man scores

Mulins was still having an awful game, failing to make any half decent passes at all. Then out of the blue on 69 minutes, Z-man bagged a goal. The ball came over from the right and he tried to back heel the ball into the net. The ball bounced off the keeper and he managed to get to it first about two yards out.

Any hope this had given us was soon dissipated as we looked more likely to concede a goal than score again. Teale made another teasing run down the right, tying Rufus in knots only to blast wide when he should have scored.

Matty keeps trying

Matty went off again on a further couple of good runs despite looking short of fitness. His first on 74 minutes led to a good cross, but Teddy couldn’t meet it. The second run and excellent cross 4 minutes later demonstrated once again why so many West Ham fans question whether Zamora has got what it takes as he fluffed a shot from 8 yards unchallenged by a Wigan defender. Ignoring the recent reorganisation of the football league, a bloke near me said “A third division striker would have done better than that”.

Chris Cohen was given about 7 minutes replacing Rufus. He showed some energy and a great pass to Chadwick. Just before the final whistle, Cohen couldn’t quite get his foot on it in the box to score a goal. There was a whiff of a penalty about that and Cohen was certainly protesting to the referee.

Outclassed in every department

This game showed that we could be in for a long and frustrating season. The defending was completely unacceptable and we missed Dailly big time. You feared every cross coming in as we just couldn’t cope in the air. There was far too much long ball, poor passing and no creativity in midfield. There was no penetration up front and not enough shots on target. We had one shot on goal in the first half and although things improved in the second half with a little more width down the left, we deserved nothing out of this game. Confidence looks very low.

I heard Pardew describe the game as his most disappointing since joining the club. I would have thought the game in Cardiff would still qualify for that. It does for me. The fact is that the impact of that game is still being felt and we have lost two players since then whom I wish were still at the club – Connors and Jobi. Pardew’s post-match comments also indicate that Carrick will also soon be gone.

I have backed Pardew all the way, but we all know that this season is make or break for him. He looked very downcast after the game, and you begin to wonder whether he is beginning to have doubts about our prospects. It is a big ask and the morale of the fans seems to be at the lowest ebb I can remember. People are voting with their feet.

For the first time today, I wondered if Gordon Strachan might be getting a bit restless for a return to management.

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Crewe 2 West Ham 3 (21st August, 2004)

Carrick joins Sp*rs and brings an end to an era.

Today had the quality of a historic day in the history of our club. The morning news that Michael Carrick had not decided to join many other sensible professional footballers and turn down a move to Spurs, marked an end to an era. Carrick may not have been one of our greats, but he certainly was part of a pool of talent that made us the envy of clubs throughout England.

This talent has now all disappeared into the ether, sacrificed to ensure that our Chairman can keep the creditors at bay, maintain his lifestyle and guarantee continued employment for the police close protection squad in the Directors’ box at Upton Park.

Closure

To look at things more positively, and to run the risk of sounding like an amateur psychologist, maybe Carrick’s departure allows us to have closure and move on. That’s what the Yanks say: “We need closure here”. In a footballing sense, there may be some merit in this argument, but this club will never move while Brown remains at the helm. To pursue the analogy further: Terry, the crew have now all left the ship, it’s time for you too to jump over the side.

Hammers fans in peril

Back to the game. I’ve got to say that over the years I’ve felt like it’s been quite dangerous to be a West Ham fan. You put your health at risk by wearing the claret and blue and a hundred or so of us in the stand behind the goal under real threat during the pre-match warm up. We were sitting ducks as our strikers and midfielders decided to practice their shooting.

I learnt a lot from this: Teddy has all the guile, Rebrov hits the target about 1 in 2 times and Marlon is more likely to hit the corner flag than the goal. One hapless West Ham fan near me should be talking the Claims Direct this morning about recompense for the Harewood-induce coffee scalds to his hands as yet another shot got blasted wide.

Natural shape

The team set-up looked more natural for a change. We started with two wingers in the shape of Matty and Chadders, with Marlon and Teddy up front. Nowland came in to midfield alongside Reo-Coker while Mulins dropped back to right back, meaning that Anton and Repka covered the central defence.

We had to start well, given the non-performance against Wigan. The response from the team was clear from the outset, with Chadwick, Marlon, Teddy and Reo- Coker all looking sharp in the opening exchanges. The first shot on the Crewe goal came from Chadwick on two minutes after good link up with Teddy and Marlon was on a mission to close down their keeper at every opportunity. On 5 minutes, he charged down a clearance which Crewe were fortunate to see bounce wide.

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2 minutes later Teddy flicked a ball on to Marlon who looped his volley over and a minute later on Marlon fired in a powerful header from an excellent cross from Matty which hit the crossbar and bounced over. Matty looked a real threat every time he had the ball, taking on players and delivering quality balls over into the box.

Onslaught brings goal

A succession of corners was being won and Crewe were penned into their own half under the Hammers onslaught and it was no surprise on the quarter hour that we took the lead. Marlon’s determined attitude was shown once again near the halfway line as he won the ball and went on a powerful run. He slotted a great pass out right to Chadders who put over a fantastic cross. Teddy met the cross with a superb controlled strike which creamed into the top right hand corner of the goal.

Marlon was back defending as well and looked very pumped up. He ended up getting booked for dissent on 18 minutes after protesting about a free kick. The ball was moved ten yards nearer, but the free kick was blasted at the wall and was deflected wide.

Domination

3 minutes later a Crewe ball out of defence got intercepted by Teddy who immediately found Matty. On a day of superb crossing from the flanks, Matty delivered an inch-perfect cross back to Teddy who directed a top notch header wide of the keeper. 2-0 and it was looking like a stroll in the park.

Crewe had their first shot on goal on 22 minutes, but Bywater was well positioned to tip a dipping shot over the bar.

Marlon then had a hand in the build up to the third goal on 28 minutes as he first lost a ball and then won it back down the right side. He found Chadwick who fired in a low cross which was deflected for a corner. The clearance from the corner found Rufus about 30 yards out. He took one touch and fired in a shot which took a slight deflection before it hit the back of the net. 3-0 and we were all expecting to double this; such was the dominance of the Irons.

Crewe get lifeline

But even in strong positions like this, you still need to maintain a disciplined defence, and our frailties there were exposed one again on the half hour as the lively Dean Ashton latched onto a back heel on the edge of the box with our defence looking for offside. He shot hard and low and beat Bywater at his right hand post. They barely deserved it, but Crewe had been given a lifeline.

Marlon made an unbelievable crunching tackle on 37 minutes and then he latched onto a Teddy pass a minute later but shot wildly wide.

Crewe then nearly snatched a second on 41 minutes, but Sorvel could not get his head on it at the far post as a deflected cross came over from the right. Chadwick then gathered a great crossfield pass from Matty two minutes into added time. He cut inside, but just lost his balance as he unleashed his shot and the ball went wide.

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Although the edge had been taken off the half time party by the Ashton strike, we were delighted with the team performance. We were playing with real pace and width, which had to be the result of playing natural wide players down the flank. Marlon was really putting in a committed performance and Teddy was running the whole show up front.

No change at half time

Unsurprisingly there were no changes for West Ham at half time and Nowland nearly made it 4-1 on 46 minutes as he collected a flick on from Marlon in the box. Unfortunately he couldn’t get his foot on it and got crowded out. Three minutes later, Marlon found Matty who then got another quality cross back to him but Marlon headed over.

On 52 minutes, Anton spurned a gilt-edged opportunity as a free kick was delivered dangerously from the right. He had a free header which should have been buried.

Hayden Mullins was replaced by debutant Trent McCleanahan on 55 presumably because he had taken a knock. Mullins had a relatively quiet game at the back, but that was much preferred to the poor game he had against Wigan where every pass appeared to go astray. From a distance Trent has a look of Steve McManaman about him. Not in a playing or positional sense, you understand.

Marlon goes close

A minute later, Marlon came very close to get the goal that his performance deserved. After picking the ball up on the right he made a storming run into the box and made a superb strike from a tight angle. He beat the keeper hands down but the ball hit the post and shot out sideways. The advancing Reo-Coker was caught by surprise by this and could not slot the ball home into an empty net.

Crewe tried a ball over the top of central defence on 59 minutes which Steve Bywater managed to gather before the Wigan striker, although that was a close one. Two minutes later, Marlon was the provider for Nowland – who had a pretty good game today – but his 25 yard shot at goal was comfortably taken by the keeper.

On 69 minutes Marlon broke free again, but he blasted over. He then had a great interchange with Teddy who found Matty down the left. Matty advanced menacingly on goal, but he put his shot wide.

Matty was a constant threat and spent most of the match firing in excellent crosses. Following a great ball to him from Nowland on 75 minutes, his cross was directed at Chadwick who couldn’t quite connect with a scissor kick. 6 minutes later Marlon’s predatory approach came good again as he nicked the ball from the keeper, but the shot got fired wide.

Ashton puts us on edge

Despite dominating proceedings throughout the half, we couldn’t get the deserved fourth goal. Ashton decided to give us all a nervous 9 minutes when we failed to deal with a ball down the right. He showed his goal poaching qualities again by putting the ball wide of Bywater from inside the box.

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Shortly after Chris Cohen came on for Matty, who had been on the end of a late tackle in the first half, although he had seemed to shake this off. Cohen always seems to show immediately when he comes on and his cross was met b Marlon, but Teddy couldn’t quite connect to get his hat trick.

Anton was a bit in the wars and had to receive treatment twice following two challenges down the right. Crewe were trying hard to steal an undeserved draw and that travesty almost came to pass on 44 minutes when a header went just over following a corner.

However, we managed to navigate 4 minutes of time added on, with Marlon taking the ball down into the corner. He received some stick for that from some people near me, which I think was completely unjustifiable given his performance today. I have no doubt that he should start in preference to the Z-man and I hope that he can keep up the work rate that he showed throughout this match.

Teddy is our leader

This was a game that we controlled for large parts and we deserved to win by more. A bloke in front of me said that we had scored ten goals against Crewe in three games, but all of these had come in the first half. The shape of the team looked right today and Teddy as captain was exceptional. You could see him constantly directing things – he was our player/manager out there.

It’s just the defence that needs attention. I’ll be happier when Dailly is back and we do need to add to the squad at the back. Everybody, including the manager more than anybody else knows this. Even Crewe has a quality striker and there is a lot of talent out there in the Championship as proved by Ellington and Roberts last Sunday. Shore up the defence and play the expansive attacking football evident today and we all might start getting optimistic again.

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West Ham 2 Southend 0 (24th August, 2004)

A crock of sh*t spoilt by two good goals.

A golden opportunity was spurned tonight at Upton Park. The game was asking for it. It was there for the taking. But I just couldn’t bring myself to sit in the Bobby Moore stand as the autopilot kicked in and I entered through the usual turnstile into the retro heaven which is known as the East Stand.

No offence to those who sit in the Bobby Moore, you understand. I’m just a creature of habit.

It’s your chance to shine, boys

You can imagine what Pardew was saying in the changing room before kick off. Faced with injuries and the need to rest a few players, he would have been making it clear to the youngsters that this was their chance to shine. Over to you then, Chris Cohen (left midfield), Trent McClenahan (right back), Adam Nowland (central midfield) and Elliot Ward (centre back).

Jimmy Walker was also in for Bywater, although clearly he’s no spring chicken. Rebrov also made the start up front with Marlon, as no doubt Teddy was still feeling the exertions of last Saturday.

Reo power

We started brightly enough, with Marlon carrying on where he left off at Crewe. The first minute saw a quality lay off from Marlon to Reo-Coker who went on one his trademark surging runs. He got a good strike in, but the keeper made a good save to his left.

On 10 minutes, Reo-Coker gathered a great ball out of defence from Chadders and went storming down the pitch, shrugging off a couple of tackles. Running towards the edge of the box, he then slotted through a brilliantly weighted ball to Marlon who managed to stay onside and smash home a powerful shot. 1-0 and the signs were good.

Trent (or Macca as I will call him, as he really does look like Steve McManaman) then went on a good run down the right two minutes later but then sent over a wild cross which turned into a shot on goal. It was a sign of things to come.

Drewe Broughton had Southend’s first real chance on 14 minutes as a great cross was launched from the left . Although he rose well, he somehow glanced it past the target.

Marlon charges

Marlon did not seem fazed by the unimportance of the game and was maintaining his recent high workrate. One of the things he has clearly been working is charging down the keeper. It’s good to see and is another benefit of playing him centrally.

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On 23 minutes, there was another nervous moment as Rufus failed to deal with a ball fired across the box from the right. The frame of the goal was still vibrating minutes later with the resulting shot, but the effort had been ruled offside in any event.

A minute later, Marlon was showing his strength with his back to goal, shielding the ball effectively. He managed a quick swivel and put in a low wicked shot, which the keeper managed to turn away for a corner. The ball came out to Rowland from the set piece who unleashed a stinging shot which was blocked by the advancing Southend defence.

On 27 minutes Marlon once again caused problems on the left hand edge of the box and was brought down. Unfortunately, he made a right hash of the free kick, lofting it high and wide.

One dimension

During this period, West Ham began to look rather one-dimensional. The ball was coming largely down the right channel, with Chris Cohen hardy getting a sniff down the left. The real strength of the performance at Crewe was our ability to advance rapidly down both wings, leaving the opposition none to sure about which way we would go next. There was none of that tonight.

The last real chance of the half fell to Marlon on 38 minutes, after he had headed a ball out to Rebrov. The Ukrainian returned a great pass to Marlon, but he completely fluffed his shot with the goal at his mercy.

Before the game started, I discovered that there had apparently been a hidden massive hike in world coffee prices which in turn had led to a 18% increase in the cup of sludge on offer from the Upton Park catering facilities. £1.30 for that? I gave it a miss at half time.

Conspiracy

Just into the second half, we learnt that the attendance was just under 17,000, far higher than had been predicted, although to look around the ground, it hardly looked half full. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but maybe the numbers were put up to try and make support for the club look better than it actually is. Fair play to the Southend fans though; they turned up in force with just over 3,500.

For the first time I noticed Elliot Ward, who was beginning to show with some good defensive headers. Nowland on the other hand was beginning to look rather average. On 47 minutes he made a very poor pass, which then resulted in him clumsily bringing down the player to whom he had gifted the ball. He received a yellow card and the free kick went close.

Three minutes later, Southend advanced effectively down the right and a fine cross was put over. Repka, who had a quiet and effective game, managed to get himself in the way of a goal bound shot.

Nowland let himself down again on 58 minutes when he overhit an aimless ball forward. A minute later, Chadwick, who was having an anonymous game in comparison with Saturday, slotted through a great ball into the box, but Marlon could not get on the end of it.

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Macca has a ‘mare

At this point Macca began to look vulnerable and positionally naïve. Two Southend players were left unchallenged on the edge of the box on 54 minutes and West Ham were lucky to see the ball blasted wide. Then Macca came under a strong challenge in the box and stumbled over. There was a very big shout for a penalty, as it looked like he fell onto the ball.

Shortly after, another youngster was brought into the fray when Mark Noble came on for Chadwick.

I was just considering that I might give the ‘youngster of the match’ to Elliot Ward when he lost his footing horribly on 62 minutes, allowing the Southend winger to advance menacingly on goal. It looked like he had forgotten that mantra which is often drummed into ESM Jnr by his coach, “Watch the ball, not the player”.

The award for the comedy name of the game was made when Tesfaye Bramble replaced Broughton, much to the disquiet of the Southend fans.

On 74 minutes we were then treated to a classic Repka moment as he was bypassed down the left side of the box. He committed a professional foul, unceremoniously pulling the Southend player to the ground. It was hard to see whether he was booked, but he certainly deserved to be.

Hail the returning hero

Then on 75 minutes, the East End’s adopted prodigal son arrived to much acclaim. Who would believe that Teddy could have so easily become the fans’ favourite, but this is the result of the dearth of pure talent that we have at our disposal. It speaks volumes about the club that we now have to look to a 38 year old to be our leader on the pitch. I have fears about what will happen when those heavy pitches arrive in January and February.

The player Teddy replaced, Sergei Rebrov is yet to show anything which suggests that he may have warranted even a fraction of the £11 million Spurs paid for him. He simply looks at sea, and we can only hope that he can show us something – anything at all – before too long.

Macca got found out again on 76 minutes when it became his turn again to stumble and let in a Southend player. The ball was delivered to the right and a goal looked certain, but Walker made a great save. Somehow the ball went into the side netting, with the Southend fans celebrating a goal.

33 minutes for a shot

Chris Cohen underlined his below par performance when he gave the ball away again on 78 minutes, but a minute later Adam Nowland made a bid to improve his performance rating after he fired in a good shot from a central position outside of the box. It was a measure of West Ham’s second half performance that this was the first shot on goal.

Two minutes later, Repka proved that not only inexperienced youngsters give the ball away, when he made a diabolical pass to the the opposition which led to a shot on goal which was well held by Walker. Reo-Coker, who had gone missing in the second half, then got in a decent shot on goal after 81 minutes after Cohen had nicked the ball.

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Macca then gave the ball away for the last time on 82 minutes completing a pretty miserable night for the young defender.

With four minutes to go, the Southend defence failed to deal with a sky high ball and Cohen managed to gather it in the box. However, he failed to get a pass through to Marlon who would have had the goal at his mercy.

Time to give Marlon grief

Just after this Marlon got his customary stick from the fans who thought that he was strolling rather nonchalantly with the ball down the right wing. This infuriates me – why don’t they look at he game? Marlon was wide, with absolutely no-one in the box. He was quite rightly holding the ball up to allow some support to arrive. I am not sure that Marlon will ever get treated fairly by some sections of our fans.

Undeservedly – although I was glad for Marlon – we then got a second on the 90th minute. Marlon picked the ball up in the centre circle after it had rebounded kindly to him out of our defence. He then showed just how crazy it has been to maroon him out on the left as he used all his strength to run powerfully towards goal, take one touch to the side and blast home into the goal.

If only he had been allowed to be in a similar position in Cardiff.

All in all, this was a pretty unconvincing performance with our youngsters not instilling us with any obvious hope that we are about to see something special bursting into the first team. My neighbour – a loyal fan of long standing had the last words: “Well that was a crock of sh*t spoilt by two good goals”.

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West Ham 1 Burnley 0 (28th August 2004)

Chris Cohen sees red.

A big roar broke out as I was approaching the East Stand. It was the Burnley fans watching the in-stadium televisions and celebrating a last minute goal from Alan Smith against Blackburn. As it turned out, this was one of the more exciting moments in the Boleyn Ground today.

Although I had vowed to boycott the pre-match coffee since its inflation-busting rise to £1.30, the lack of queue was too much to resist. The second year in the lower league has had a big impact on the unglamourous part of our ground, and the lower attendances – today it was barely above 22,000 – leaves us rattling around in acres of space. I swore I saw a tumbleweed blowing down the East Stand upper concourse on the way to the toilet at half time.

A must win game

The match was one of those that we have to win if we are to emerge from these dark days. However, Burnley had made a reasonable start to the season and were yet to be defeated.

The West Ham team that turned out was pretty much as expected and was exactly the same as had started at Crewe the week before. The only real change was on the bench, with the return of Steve Lomas. Although he’s often criticised by the fans, I’m always pleased to see Stevie involved. It’s probably 50% because he is one of those who have remained amongst the carnage of player sales and 50% because he wears his heart on his sleeve, if you’ll forgive a classic football cliché.

In the opening exchanges, the first player to show was Tomas Repka, who did some effective tidying up at the back on three occasions within the first three minutes. The start was very scrappy though, and a sure sign of that was reinforced by a couple of rousing choruses of “Stand up if you want Brown out” from the Centenary Lower. Maybe this was fitting as next Tuesday marks 100 years of football at Boleyn Ground.

Burnley start brighter

Burnley undoubtedly got the better of us in the first ten minutes. On 8 minutes, a dangerous ball was sent over from the right and Hayden Mullins was forced to head the ball over the bar. Two minutes later, Chadwick handled the ball in a central position and the free kick from Robbie Blake just went wide of the left hand post, with Bywater rooted to the ground. Another Burnley opportunity followed on 12 minutes after the ball was gathered from the clearance of a West Ham corner. Luckily the finish was poor. Adam Nowland then gave Burnley another chance two minutes later after he committed a foul, but Bywater held the cross well from the free kick.

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With a quarter of an hour gone, I noticed a very agitated Pardew on the touchline. He was gesticulating at Bywater to get the ball out quicker in an attempt to inject some urgency and pace into the West Ham game. This was not the only problem with our play, though. In a re-run of the Wigan performance, the quality of passing was poor yet again. Anton was one of the guilty parties when he made a terrible pass out of defence to a Wigan player on 16 minutes and then again eight minutes later when he punted an aimless overhit pass forward.

Hayden Mullins did not want to be outdone by Anton on 27 minutes when he wasted the opportunity of a ball out wide to Chadwick and made a hopeless pass through the middle instead. Only Tomas seemed to have half an inkling about passing out of defence, and a decent ball to Teddy resulted in a good flick on which Chadwick very nearly latched on to after 29 minutes.

Matty out of colour

A minute later Matty went on his first run of the game. He has looked pretty out of sorts so far this season and appears to be lacking pace. It’s pretty much like the beginning of last season when he started slowly and was receiving quite a lot of grief from certain sections of the West Ham support. Matty’s run ended with the ball luckily ending up centrally where Nowland picked it up and put in a shot which went harmlessly wide.

On 34 minutes, Burnley won a corner after Rufus gave the ball away from a West Ham throw in. The ball was not cleared properly from the set piece allowing a dangerous shot on goal from Richard Chaplow which just whistled by Bywater’s upright.

Nowland shines

A minute later finally saw the first West Ham shot on goal. Teddy showed more of his quality with a fine slanted pass to pick up Nowland running in on goal. His shot was unfortunately straight at Burnley keeper Danny Coyne. Nowland also featured on 36 minutes when he made a good pass to Teddy who got in a decent shot low to Coyne’s right, but he tipped it away.

Both Rufus and then Anton got skinned by the Burnley right winger Ian Moore on 39 minutes, who put in an excellent cross which bounced along the line of the 6 yard box. Fortunately there was no Burnley boot available to meet it for a tap in.

A minute later Reo-Coker then made one of his classic penetrating runs on goal which he spoilt by poor finishing, failing to hit the target. If Nigel could improve this part of his game, then he really would be a force with which to reckon.

On 42 minutes, Nowland showed that the loss of Michael Carrick does not mean that we do not have any classy crossfield playmakers left in our squad, when he found Matty out wide with a great ball over the top. Matty fired in a quality cross but no-one could get on the end of it. Matty then had a half chance a minute later when a ball was sent over to him in the left side of the box. His volley was screwed badly wide.

The final action of the first half nearly resulted in a Burnley goal. It would have been hardly merited, but we had created a paucity of decent chances as well. We all held our breath as a volley by Micah Hyde from the right looked like it was looping in to the top right hand corner.

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Damp squib

This was another uninspiring first half performance from West Ham at home. It was a damp squib. With two wingers, we hardly created any opportunities down either flank, in stark contrast to the play at Crewe seven days before. Passing out of defence was poor, and combined with the lack of width, meant very poor service to our strikers who hardly had a look in. The long ball was also creeping in again, and delivering nothing.

My humour was not helped at half time as I learnt that three separate ex-Irons had netted in the Premiership: Sinclair, Defoe and Lampard. We all know that we have to move on from what we once had and that we cannot look back if we are to move forward. The problem is that this is easier said than done.

No change at half time

There were no changes in either side at half time, and the quality of the football did not change in the opening minutes. Marlon managed to find some space in the first minute but his cross was very poor. Then three minutes later, Mullins made yet another poor pass and then allowed himself to get mugged as he let the ball bounce in front of him. We were fortunate to see the Burnley attack break down.

On 51 minutes, Marlon nearly stole in and scored after there was a mix-up at in the Burnley defence. Coyne beat Marlon to it and his clearance hit the advancing striker, rebounding wide.

Four minutes later Teddy chipped over an inch-perfect cross to find the unmarked Matty in the box. To prove it wasn’t going to be his day, the winger failed to control the ball on his chest and just knocked it out of play. A minute later, Matty failed again as Marlon won a ball in the centre and made a good pass to him as he was running in on goal. Matty’s first touch was horrible and he just knocked it forward to the Burnley defender.

Lomas rallies

On 58 minutes, Steve Lomas came on to replace Chadwick, who had hardly featured at all in the game. Some of the fans were unhappy about that change, but it looked the right one. Stevie certainly appeared to rally the team with his arrival.

Two minutes later, West Ham won a corner which was delivered dangerously from the right. Marlon rose well and made a good header on goal which somehow ended up being scrambled away in a packed goalmouth. In the immediate aftermath of this panic in the defence, Hayden sent over a poor cross to the far post. The clearing header came out to Nowland in a central position twenty yards out and he got a good strike on the ball. It hit the ground at speed and bounced high above the keeper into the net for his debut goal for the club.

We had raised our game in the second half, but this was hardly difficult given the lack of quality in the first half. We had barely justified the lead, but Nowland had deserved to score as he was certainly one of the better players on the pitch. Only given four starts since his transfer from Wimbledon and not rated by many fans, it was pleasing to see him show that he has the ability to pass creatively. We certainly need that quality and creativity with the departure of Carrick.

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Steve Lomas then made a good pass on 64 minutes to Matty who made a much better run and goal and unleashed a powerful shot which the keeper could only parry. Unfortunately Marlon couldn’t get onto the rebound and score. Five minutes later Matty cut inside and got another shot in but the keeper saved it and Marlon was ruled offside.

On 75 minutes, Teddy had the ball in the back of the net with a header but he was ruled offside. He was none too impressed with that decision.

Burnley were largely unable to make any forward progress at all during this period and it was only West Ham who looked threatening coming forward. With nine minutes to go, Reo-Coker won the ball after some good industry down the left and he fed the ball to Nowland who was once again advancing on goal in a central position. Unfortunately, this time he couldn’t keep the ball down and blasted high and wide.

Game ends in farce

On 86 minutes, a spent-looking Teddy was replaced by Chris Cohen and nothing much more happened of note until the game ended in farce on the verge of the final whistle. After Marlon had been fouled with his back to goal, a fracas ensued which involved just about every player on the pitch. Marlon appeared to react to something that was said to him by the defender that fouled him. In the chaos, referee Robinson – who had a fussy game throughout – lost control and it ended up with all officials having a lengthy referee’s union meeting which went on for about 5 minutes. Clearly, the ref hadn’t got the slightest clue what had gone on, but it ended up with three bookings, including Marlon and Anton.

The free kick was then taken by Marlon who got a good shot on goal, which was held well down low and to his right by the keeper.

The controversy was not yet over though as Chris Cohen got red carded with seconds left after he made a very late two-footed tackle over the top just on the left hand corner of the box. Although it looked like this dismissal was merited, the ref had allowed the game to get out of control.

These three points were very important to the cause, but once again, the performance was hardly convincing. The hope is that if we can still win when not playing well, then this is a good sign for when we can actually really get our act together.

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Sheffield United 1 West Ham 2 (11th September, 2004)

The day I discovered that John Denver is a northerner.

You could see them coming for miles. I was glad I had my sunglasses on. Those Blades away shirts are made from just the most retina-burning fluorescent material you have ever seen.

I reckon the northerners are radioactive after wearing them. Perhaps it keeps ‘em warm during the long Yorkshire winter.

Nostalgia aint what it used to be

As we climbed the stairs to the Gordon Lamb Stand, it all felt very nostalgic. The seats were wooden as well with no ergonomic bum shape at all. Flat and uncomfortable. Welcome back to football circa 1975.

There was more nostalgia to follow. Sir Trevor Brooking came on. Admittedly it was at half time to pull the raffle. But wait. Could it be true that one of the greatest Irons ever had returned to Bramall Lane? They were chanting a name I hadn’t heard for years. “Devo. Devo. Devo.”

It wasn’t Alan though, but Calum, the boy that marked Teddy out of the game at Highfield Road, on loan from the bagel-munchers. More about him later.

Not for the first time over the past 12 months, the team had an unfamiliar feel to it. Continuity? We don’t know the meaning of the word. In came new signing Fletcher in the centre of midfield, meaning that Hayden dropped back to right back. Repka stayed in central defence alongside the towering Davenport. The rest of the team was pretty much as expected with new signings Malky and Powell on the bench.

A bright start

Like other away games I have attended this season, we got off to a bright start. With just two minutes gone, Teddy got a great pass out wide to Matty who went on a penetrating run. His cross was just the ticket, but Marlon managed to kick fresh air when the goal looked at his mercy.

Two minutes later Matty failed to find his way through the Sheffield defence, but the ball spun out to Fletch who blasted it wildly over. Then on 8 minutes, we took the lead. The Sheffield defence failed to clear the ball effectively when a header went over the top of Teddy but landed at the feet of Marlon. He took one touch, advanced on goal and unleashed a peach of a shot from outside the area which rifled into Kenny’s right hand corner.

Sheffield looked shell-shocked, although they did win a couple of early corners. These came to nothing due to the superb aerial strength of Davenport who showed throughout the game today why he is so highly rated.

On 19 minutes, a Bywater clearance bounced awkwardly and Teddy picked it up near the edge of the box. Unfortunately he volleyed straight at the keeper who took it comfortably.

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Possession and tight defence

West Ham had a lot of possession during this period and both Reo-Coker and Fletch were putting themselves about to good effect. On 29 minutes, Marlon showed great strength down the left, shrugging off a challenge and then running menacingly on goal. Unfortunately he decided to fire in a shot from too wide a position, when a cross could have been lethal.

Repka was also playing his part alongside Devo. He was missing very little in the air as Sheffield tried route one with very little joy. Tom was also back as peacemaker on 31 minutes as there was a lot of pushing and shoving following a disputed free kick conceded by Reo-Coker. I am now certain that Tom has been on an anger management course. That therapist that’s working with Tom is a genius. Reo-Coker and Sheffield’s Gray ended up in the book for that scuffle, but ex-Hammer Jon Harley made a poor free kick which went harmlessly wide.

Teddy then succeeded in finding Marlon with yet another classic flick on 33 minutes, but he volleyed poorly over when he should have found the target.

The final move of note was on 37 minutes when there was excellent passing between Teddy, Reo-Coker and Matty. Etherington let go with a powerful shot which could well have gone in if it hadn’t have been blocked.

Sheffield hardly got a look in during the first half. We were passing well and holding the ball. Fletcher was certainly passing the ball better than Mullins has been in that position of late and Devo was just totally in control at the back.

John Denver is a northerner

On came Sheffield to the strains of “Annie’s Song”, a particularly odious song by John Denver that the northerners seem to love. Maybe we were transfixed by that appalling tune, but it was clear from the outset of the second half that we were not the same team.

It was all very scrappy and Fletch ended up in the book on 52 minutes for a careless tackle. Then Mullins was on hand to make a great defensive header with the West Ham goal vulnerable from a first time cross. Sheffield caused more problems in our box on 54, when we seemed incapable of clearing our lines. The ball seemed to go back in about three times in a row, before the ball was nodded over the bar.

Aimless

We seemed to have forgotten about our passing game and there were quite a few aimless punts out of defence which simply found the opposition. Matty managed a half decent run on 58 minutes after he had been found by Marlon with a good pass. Unfortunately he shot very weakly at the grateful Kenny.

Chadwick, who had made one or two good defensive tackles, but showed little else during the match was then replaced by Nowland on 63 minutes and that change looked like the right move.

Only three minutes later, I revised that view after Nowland made a clumsy tackle on the left hand side of the box. It was a bit reminiscent of the blunder made by Frank Lampard in Austria, and the result was the same. Alan Quinn stepped up and hit a shot into the far corner which beat the flapping Bywater. It was a well- placed kick, but it looked like Bywater was out of position.

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It was at this point that I really began to fear a re-run of the Coventry game. We looked very shaken and we were causing no threat up front because the service to our strikers was so poor. On 73 minutes Rufus nearly made a disastrous back pass, which Bywater thankfully anticipated by coming out of his area. He did not help our nerves by then taking an age to clear his lines.

On with the Ukrainian

Sergei came on for Marlon on 75 minutes, as it looked like he was carrying a knock. Although he had not made any significant contribution in the second half, this was due to the fact that no-one found him with any half-decent passes. Nowland emphasised this fact just after the change when he made a hopeless pass across field that was not within ten yards of a West Ham player.

Sheffield looked the more likely to score, and Tom had to be on hand to make a crucial block when a ball got whipped dangerously across our box from the right.

Finally, we got a bit of passing together and Rebrov got it to his feet on 84 minutes and won a foul to the right hand side of the box after dancing around a few defenders. Teddy placed the ball about 10 feet to the left of where the foul took place and after referee Wiley had moved it back, fired the ball past the wall. The ball missed everybody except what looked like the back of a Sheffield defender, deflecting the ball past the unsighted Kenny.

There was still a nervous 5 minutes plus injury time to go, and Reo-Coker made a fantastic blocking tackle after Tom made probably his only poor defensive header during the match. Malky came on for Hayden and then there was another panic in our box when on 89 minutes Tom blasted a clearance against a Sheffield player. Somehow the ball rebounded wide with Bywater stranded.

A lot of credit during the half has to go to Devo for the way in which he handled the long ball from Sheffield. He has great strength and appears to have great ability in using his body to win balls or block strikers without giving away free kicks. There was a constant bay from the Sheffield fans for free kicks after Devo challenges, but the fact was that he was just a lot better than the strikers, getting to the ball first.

Eventually we managed to play out the added three minutes of injury time and we were helped by a wild tackle on Tom by Jon Harley, who ended up in Wiley’s book.

Football is a game of 90 minutes

This was not a brilliantly convincing performance purely because we played poorly in the second half following an effective first half display. Who knows what Pardew said at half time, but here’s some words for next time, “This game is far from won, we have got to up the tempo in the second half as they will be coming looking for us. Keep your shape and keep passing.” We allowed them back in due to sloppy passing and giving the ball away too easily. There was no width or pace to our game either. We had one shot on goal from open play. The only way we won was because we continued to defend well, got the set piece and Teddy had the guile to convert it.

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Despite the disappointment of the second half, this was a very valuable win as the Blades were above us in the league before this game. I do take some comfort from the fact that we defended well. We will always take a win, even when we've been a bit fortunate. Results elsewhere now put us in a very handy position. Is it too much to ask for a 90 minute performance in the next game?

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West Ham 1 Ipswich 1 (18th September, 2004)

A model 50% performance.

I did say after the Rotherham performance that it would be nice to see a full 90 minute performance from West Ham for a change. Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear, because we did it again today: a seamless transition through half time from almost faultless to clueless in one easy lesson.

Maybe that’s a bit harsh and let’s not get too despondent. We should concede that in these 50% performances we are seeing this season, we are at least getting our noses in front when we are playing well. And when it was good today it was very good: fluid and entertaining football that kept the fans happy. A lot of this is down to the new additions: Malky, Powell, Fletch and Devo. All of these look solid and are looking first and foremost for the pass rather than the hoof.

Take the draw?

In reality, we all knew today’s game was going to be difficult. If I’d been offered a draw beforehand, I would have been tempted by it, particularly after two wins on the bounce. Ipswich have been on a bit of a roll, and we all remember what happened when we played them at home on Boxing Day last year. Counago scored a couple and we went down 1-2.

The team setup looked pretty much as expected, being a repetition of the starting lineup against Rotherham. ESM Jnr swore blind that Sky were reporting the return of Zamora, but he was nowhere to be seen. Lomas was on the bench though, returning after that moment of insanity at Highfield Road.

I’ll get accused of starting these match reports the same way, but it did actually begin promisingly enough yet again. Tom, who is pretty much on fire at the moment and very happy playing at right wing back, went on a ranging run forward after being supplied by Teddy on 3 minutes. He knocked over a great ball over the top, but Teddy’s head down was cleared.

Three minutes later, Teddy showed his class again, with a superb backflick to Reo-Coker who then sent Tom on His way. Tom’s blocked cross led to a corner which found Teddy, but he could not quite get enough direction on his near post header and it went wide.

On 8 minutes, Ipswich nearly stole a goal themselves after Westlake nicked the ball from Malky down the left. There was the suspicion of a push on the Scottish defender, but the ball found ex-Hammer Kevin Horlock who then put in a good pass to Darren Bent. Fortunately, Bywater was on hand to deny the Ipswich striker who couldn’t find Counago from the rebound.

We score first yet again

Like Sheffield the week before, the Irons were able to get their noses in front early on. On 10 minutes, Matty won a corner after he gathered a clever pass from Teddy. Chris Powell slotted through a visionary pass to the feet of Chadders down the left in acres of space, the Ipswich defence having gone AWOL. He put over a cross which found ex-Norwich man Malky – and I bet he loved that against the Suffolk enemy – to head powerfully past Kelvin Davis.

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Almost immediately from the re-start Ipswich were unlucky not to score. Magilton – who always seems to play well against us – got in a good cross from the left and Chris Powell was easily out leaped by Bent who just put it wide.

It was end to end stuff, and just after the Bent miss, Chadders picked the ball up and put over a great ball to Marlon who had managed to stay onside. Inexplicably, instead of bring the ball down, he decided to try and volley it and it went embarrassingly wide.

Reo-Coker was having another one of his inspirational spells with a great bursting run forward on 13 minutes and a series of tackles and closing down of Ipswich midfielders. Teddy sent Matty on his way again a minute later and he went tumbling down in the area close to the dead ball line. The referee was not impressed with his claims for a penalty,

Devo bosses it

Davenport was also having another commanding game in central defence. This boy has every chance of playing for England in the future, in my view. On 20 minutes he got in a good tackle around the six yard box to nick the ball off the foot of Counago, and for most of the half nothing seemed to get by him in the air or on the ground.

Chadders was also playing better than some of his performances of late and he made a great shimmy on 22 minutes to take the ball away and find the advancing Tom with a pass. His cross was good but there was no-one around to get on the end of it in the Ipswich box.

Four minutes later, there was a rapid exchange of passes which led to a great ball out from Marlon to Chadders who got in a quality cross to find Teddy’s head, but he just nodded it wide. We were now really in control and on 29 minutes, Matty took the ball down superbly and put through a fine pass to Reo-Coker who burst forward through the middle. He managed to get a good shot away, but Davis was alert to it and dived with great agility to his left to turn the ball around the post for a corner.

The resulting corner led to a free kick after Westlake was either penalised for handball or failing to retreat 10 yards. It looked like Malky was about to bag a brace when he met the cross from the free kick, but it just went wide.

Davis excels

There was hardly a moment to gather your thoughts, and another quick succession of passing between Chadders, Teddy and Marlon led to another corner. This led to a powerful header from Devo which was cleared off the line and then an outstanding reflex save by Davis from a point blank shot by Teddy. How one of those didn’t go in defied belief.

The continuous pressure by West Ham then won a penalty on 33 minutes after Fletch was brought down by the keeper as he gathered a strange looping ball over the top from Matty. Teddy stepped up to take it and he looked confident enough, but he scuffed it well wide of the post. Maybe the keeper’s save a couple of minutes before was playing on his mind. Maybe he saw the keeper move early to the left and decided to make a last second adjustment and hit it right. Rarely do you not live to regret misses like that – I still often hear people say that we would not have taken the drop if Kanoute had not missed that penalty against Arsenal. Who’s to say they’re wrong?

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Ipswich seemed to be lifted by the miss, and almost immediately levelled the game on 35 minutes. Bywater was in an excellent position to tip over a shot from 20 yards from Miller.

Gangsta in da house

That was about the last real chance of a first half where West Ham could have been at least three up. I was contemplating at half time when I saw a boy of about 7 stroll by with some serious dreadlocks hanging down his back. As he walked on, I was left in fits of laughter as I read the words “Cockney Yardie” emblazoned on the back of his West Ham shirt. Quality.

Oxford Fred will testify to the fact that I was expressing great fears about how we would come out in the second half, given recent performances and tactics. I would dearly love to know what was said at half time today, but our attitude to the game looked like Pardew had told the team to defend the lead. I have said it before and I will say it again, Pardew is a pretty conservative manager. Maybe you could see some merit in the argument that we should try and frustrate Ipswich for twenty minutes and hold the lead, and maybe get a breakaway goal, but my preference is always to look for another goal rather than sit back.

The tone for the second half was set in the first minute, when Fletch needlessly gave the ball away. Bent had clearly been told by Joe Royle to try to take defenders on, and on 47 he tied Devo in knots on the edge of the box before firing a shot over. It was the only time Devo looked troubled in the match. Two minutes later, a ball was sent in over the top and Bywater hesitated, but fortunately Bent killed the ball in the turf, allowing Bywater to gather.

Will he stay or will he go?

Bent looked a class act today, and you can see why he’s part of the England U21’s setup. What would worry me if I were a carrot cruncher is that someone will come in for him during the January transfer window. We suffered that problem last year – following the erection of a large ‘for sale’ sign by our Chairman - and I live in hope that this might happen to Ipswich and Wigan, whose position in the Championship is down to them having top quality strikers. The reason this might not come about is that unlike West Ham United, both these clubs appear to have boards whose first priority is to keep valuable assets.

On 50 minutes, Teddy made a quality reverse pass out to Chadders down the right who made a good run to the dead ball line. Unfortunately the ball was nicked off his foot before a shot could be sent in, with the Bobby Moore Lower claiming a penalty.

On 55 minutes, Ipswich showed that they could pass the ball as well as anything we had done in the first half with an exchange that led to Counago forcing a tremendous save from Bywater. The corner which resulted led to a melee in the West Ham box and Counago managed to control the ball and fire in a shot into the net. I discovered later that this was his first away goal since scoring against us in that Boxing Day match. It had to happen, didn’t it?

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Bywater saves our bacon

If this was a wake up call, we hit the snooze button. Teddy got in a shot just wide of the post on 60 minutes and then Chadders put another very half-hearted shot over the bar on 64. A minute later, Reo-Coker won a free kick in a dangerous central position, but Teddy hit an uncharacteristically poor shot at the base of the wall which rebounded out to Bent. He went off on a penetrating run with the West Ham defence looking lethargic and let loose with a fantastic shot which Bywater saved brilliantly by just brushing it onto the bar and over.

It was not Marlon’s day either as he failed to control a good pass to his feet from teddy on 68 minutes. Three minutes later he did better with a run on goal, but his shot was blocked and the ball that was put back in could only be looped way over by Teddy. I would hesitate to criticise Marlon today, though, as his workrate could not be faulted. The only weakness was his touch.

With eleven minutes left, Teddy and Chadders came off to be replaced by Sergei and Hayden.

Marlon’s best chance came on 77 minutes, when Rebrov won a ball and sent Matty off on a great run down the left. His cross was almost text book in execution, but Marlon failed to get his head or anything on it on it properly, brushing it wide. There were cries of anguish all around.

The final action of the game was a desperate shot by Fletch from 30 yards in added time which sailed harmlessly over.

Pardew’s priority is not to lose

There were a few boos at the end but these were borne more out of frustration than anything else. The spectacle was entertaining enough and you would struggle to name a first half performance that has been that good over the past six months. We simply failed to capitalise on our first half domination and then went into reverse gear in the second half. I do wonder whether Pardew should have changed it earlier and we did seem to cede control of midfield to Magilton and Horlock. Teddy also faded perceptibly, and although you can always see him doing something very clever to win a game, maybe Sergei should have been given something more than his customary 10 minute run-out, as he certainly got his foot in when he came on.

When Teddy came off, Marlon was left pretty stranded up front and the long ball to him is not what he needs or wants. All very well trying that when you’ve got a Deano or a Sir Les up front.

The reality with the Pardew style of play is that you can never see him throwing caution to the wind and trying something revolutionary like taking Fletch or Chadders off and sticking Rebrov on. Three strikers on the pitch? Go and win the game? Who do we think he is, Sir Trevor Brooking? Nope, the priority is not to lose the game, and you can see that in the five home games this season where we have only scored five goals. I do hope to see us score more than one goal in a match in the Championship at home this season. How long do you think we’ll have to wait?

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West Ham 3 Notts County 2 (Carling Cup, 21st September 2004)

What’s your favourite pre-match fodder?

Great Dane or Terminator. Those of you who frequent the top notch snack bar just opposite the ticket office in Priory Road will recognise the fodder on offer. The Great Dane - £2.50 for about 4 rashers of bacon in a piece of french bread. Pre-match cuisine of the highest order and they’ve been serving it for years.

Replete, I sat down amongst acres of space expecting a rout given County’s diabolical form and their position at the very bottom of the football league. Pardew inevitably rang the changes and Teddy was given a needed rest with Z- man back from injury. Devo and Fletch were cup-tied so in came Lomas and Mullins, with Tom slotting back into central defence. Walker came in for Bywater and Rebrov also started, although inevitably he was stuck out on the right.

Quickest goal in living memory

It could not have started better. With barely 20 seconds on the clock, Sergei made a crunching tackle, won the ball and fired in a stinging shot which County keeper Saul Deeney couldn’t handle. Z-man gratefully picked up the rebound and tapped the ball into an open goal.

The County fans looked like they were expecting a right mullering, but despite this great start, what followed was uninspiring. Tom in particular did not look comfortable back in central defence after some good performances at right back over recent weeks. On 3 minutes, he failed to clear the ball properly but the County striker shinned the ball over. Seven minutes later, a poor pass by Tom then allowed Scully to break, but fortunately Lomas was on hand to clean up.

Devo-less

Then on 12 minutes, we conceded a poor goal. A free kick was given down the right and the ball was floated over to the far post. Over the past few games, I have got very used to Devo leaping up and dealing with balls like this as a matter of routine; this time County were allowed a free header which was looped back to from other post where Wilson was waiting unchallenged to head past Walker.

On the quarter hour, Zamora – who was looking sharp – won a free kick on the right hand side of the box, but Sergei hit a woeful free kick over the bar. There was a lot of the long ball going on again, making the football look very dull and in stark contrast to the fluid passing of the first half against Ipswich.

To be fair to County, the goal made them step up a gear and they were chasing us down effectively and getting bodies behind the ball. Our passing was simply not good enough. Another hoof into touch over the head of Matty waiting on the wing by Tom on 18 minutes was pretty typical.

Then a minute later, there was a near disastrous mix up between Malky and Walker as the keeper hesitated and smacked the ball against the oncoming Hurst, who really should be playing for us with a name like that. Fortunately, when he gathered the ball he was just too wide and could only manage a shot into the side netting with Walker struggling to recover his ground.

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Tom, don’t be such a punt

After another aimless punt forward from Tom on 20 minutes, Marlon was sent off on a run following a good through ball. Unfortunately the ref judged that he fouled the defender on the way through to goal and the whistle was blown just before he put the ball in the back of the net.

On 26 minutes, it seemed that we made just about the first pass along the ground out of defence in the half after Malky found Matty. However, his shot was poor and sailed way over the bar.

Lomas – who didn’t seem at the races at all tonight – then made an agricultural tackle on the edge of the box on 27 minutes. The free kick was wasted though and went well over.

Zamora went on a good run forward on 32 minutes, but probably made the wrong decision to pass out wide right when he should have shot on goal. Then a minute later Sergei made a great reverse pass out to the advancing Mullins who spoilt the move by putting over probably the worst cross I have seen at Upton Park this season. Hayden is just having a nightmare at the moment and it’s difficult to remember the last time he put in a half decent performance.

Dead end

Lomas wound the crowd up even more on 38 minutes with yet another over hit pass into touch, and then we saw some intelligent play from Z-man a minute later with a good run and cross down the right. Marlon couldn’t get his head on t properly under challenge from a defender and the ball went wide.

Zamora made a great back heel to find Lomas on 42 minutes, but the Northern Irishman ran off into a dead end and got blocked out. Stevie looked like he was running forward with very little idea about what he was going to do next.

Just before half time, Tom capped a poor first half with a speculative pass forward which went into touch. Although, they hadn’t threatened too much in the first half, County nearly grabbed a second in first half injury time following a long throw from the left. We looked vulnerable again at a set piece as the ball was not cleared properly and came loose to a County player. The ball would have gone in but fortunately it was blocked by Malky. The rebound was picked up by Sergei, but his pass was poor and sent Reo-Coker wide and away from goal.

The half time whistle went to boos from the 11,000 or so fans that bothered to turn up.

Anyone for a nice cuppa?

Prior to the match, a minute’s silence was rightly observed as a mark of respect for Cloughie. I was reminded of a story when old big ‘ead was not happy about a first half performance by Derby. On entering the dressing room, he asked the team mascot to get the tea. As soon as the kid had put the tray down with the tea poured, Cloughie grabbed it and threw the whole lot at the team. This is what I like to think Cloughie would have done at half time today at Upton Park because the team deserved nothing better for that gutless display.

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There were no changes in either side at half time, and immediately from the kick off, Marlon went on a penetrating run after Malky had found him with a nice pass. The ball was sent over, but Hayden couldn’t control the ball in the box and it was cleared.

Z-man brace cancelled out

On 53 minutes, Matty chased back brilliantly towards his own half to win a ball back after it had been cleared out of defence by County. A pass then found Marlon who used his strength to shield the ball and lay it off to Z-man who got a great strike on goal beating the keeper in the right hand corner. Surely we would now go on and win the game easily?

That was a forlorn hope three minutes later after a free kick was given for handball against Zamora in the centre circle. It looked harsh as both his arms were close into his body. Our rediscovered vulnerability to set pieces was revealed again as the ball was sent over the top to the right with the defence looking like rabbits in a headlight, hoping for an offside. Ian Richardson – someone else who should be playing for us as he is a West Ham fan - picked it up, ran forward and blasted it past Walker.

The Ukrainian opens his account

Then the game swung back our way again on 61 minutes after a free kick was awarded for a foul on rebrov in a similar position to the one where Matty had scored a week earlier. This time, however, Sergei stepped up and hit a peach from 30 yards which squirmed under the body Deeney by the left hand post. Maybe the keeper should have done better, but the shot was very clean and dipped quite viciously.

Sergei seemed to take great confidence from this debut goal for the Irons and on 63 minutes he made a fine pass out to Matty who then put in a cross which was chested down to Marlon by Z-man. Marlon’s control was poor and he blasted the ball over the bar.

The long throw then caused another panic in the Hammers’ defence on 65 minutes. Tom made a good block and from the corner which followed, there was a goalmouth scramble where it looked certain the game would be level for the third time. Somehow we managed to clear.

Lomas was the culprit again on 67 minutes when he gave the ball away with a wayward pass following a patient build-up of decent passes.

Melville returned to the team after Tom was substituted on 69 minutes.

Sergei continued to play some thoughtful and nicely weighted passes and was looking a lot sharper and fitter. County, on the other hand were looking pretty spent after having fought very hard in the first half.

Matty went another good run on 77 minutes and he sent over a curling cross to the far post where Marlon did very well to retrieve it before it went into touch. His header was sent dangerously back into the six yard box, but the ball could not be brought down by the stretching foot of the Z-man who had the goal at his mercy.

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Another spot kick cock-up

A minute later, Marlon showed why his best position is in the centre of attack. If the ball comes to his feet on the edge of the box, he can use his great strength to gather and shield the ball. This time, he was bundled over, as the defender couldn’t cope with him.

Inevitably Zamora stepped up to take the resultant penalty to try and get his hat trick, but like Teddy three days before he couldn’t convert it. At least he managed to get the shot on target, but the keeper guessed the right way, diving to his right. A corner followed, and Marlon rose to get a good head on the ball, but the keeper held well.

The County defence were now struggling to cope with Marlon and on 81 minutes he won another free kick after he was fouled in a similar position to the previous one which Sergei had converted. This time, the Ukrainian hit the wall.

We have been in these one goal lead situations several times already this season, and it always makes for a nervous end to the game. Rufus got mugged down the right on 82 minutes and it was fortunate that no-one could get on the end of a dangerous cross.

Marlon burst forward again a minute later and got a good pass out to Rebrov who cut into the area down the right. Unfortunately his shot was blocked wide by a last gasp tackle.

It looked like extra time might be inflicted upon us when Zamora gave away a free kick just outside the box in a central position with three minutes left of normal time, but Oakes shot thankfully just past Walker’s left post.

Chris Cohen then came on for Matty to try and run the clock down a bit more, and the youngster almost scored in time added on as our last corner of the game came out to him from a Zamora touch. Unfortunately his shot was blocked.

3rd round here we come

What can you say about this game except that we are now in the hat for the next round? No doubt Pardew will be saying that the important thing was that we got the win. The manner of the performance and lack of quality on show makes me want to forget about it, to be honest. I think you can take something from the fact that Zamora looked pretty sharp, although a sceptic in the sparse crowd near me said, “This is his level”. You can’t argue with two goals, but he had to spoil it by missing the penalty and not closing the game out. Marlon was a real handful - I would still play him over Z-man - and Sergei looked like he might just be finding his feet. It was great to see him beak his duck.

The downside for me was that without Devo, we looked poor at the back. I worry about his return to Shite Hart Lane. The passing out of defence and midfield (Rebrov excepted and Malky at times) was not up to scratch again, and I thought that both Reo-Coker and Lomas had lacklustre performances. It’s a relief to think that Fletch and Devo will be back for the trip to Forest.

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Derby 1 West Ham 1 (29th September, 2004)

A long way to go for a curry.

What’s the most circuitous route you have ever made to watch a football match? Today mine involved going to Derby from London via Exeter. Not exactly the most direct way to Pride Park, but I am now familiar with Mr Branson’s cross country service. Unlike 99% of West Ham fans, the game against the Rams is always a big one for me as I have some very good mates who are long-standing supporters. We have an arrangement which involves the bill being picked up on a post-match meal depending on the outcome. Let’s just say that I haven’t had to shell out for some time (11 games), although I have to admit that it came very close last season at Upton Park when they had a perfectly good goal disallowed towards the end.

Mugged but unabashed

After getting mugged (to use our manager’s exact words) by Derby’s hated rivals a few days earlier, tonight’s game took on added importance, especially in the light of a few drawn games between our closest rivals in the Championship.

The starting lineup was pretty familiar – the only change was that Hayden started for the injured Malky, although I was a little surprised to see Teddy start as he looked in need of a rest at the end of the Forest game.

As if to continue the way we ended at the City Ground, West Ham started this game looking like they had their minds on something completely different to football. Derby were really up for it and could have scored as early as the second minute when Marco Reich seemed to glide past a lacklustre Mullins and fire in a shot which Bywater held well down low. Then a minute later a shot by Adam Bolder was deflected and seemed to take an age coming down. It was going in and Bywater was called on again to get back under his bar and tip over. On 3 minutes Derby won a free kick down the right, but the ball ended up being headed harmlessly over.

Down but not out

It was no surprise given this early Rams domination that a goal came with just 5 minutes on the clock. Davenport failed to clear his lines and Derby won a corner which was delivered dangerously by the Basque Idiakez. Waiting at the far post was Michael Johnson who headed downwards past Bywater.

Conceding the goal didn’t create much urgency in the West Ham ranks and Derby nearly made it 2-0 on 7 minutes when a shot was fired in outside the box which Bywater nearly spilled as he took it high up.

Games can inexplicably turn, and so it proved on 10 minutes. Good work down the right by Teddy led to a ball out wide to Chadders who put over a good cross. The ball sailed over the head of Marlon but came out to the waiting Matty. Fortunately his shot took a nice deflection off Kenna, wrong footing Derby’s keeper.

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The next period saw West Ham finally waking up to the task, although Carl Fletcher gave the ball away three times in quick succession around the quarter hour mark. On 21 minutes, Teddy made one of his trademark flicked headers to find Chadwick advancing on goal, but his left foot volley was skewed horribly wide. Chadders, though, was having a competitive and energetic game down the right flank.

Fluid

24 minutes saw the most fluid passing movement of the half when there was a quick exchange of passes between Teddy, Powell and Matty. The cross found Chadders on the right hand side of the box but his lay off to Teddy ended up with the ball being wastefully blasted over.

Calum Davenport, who had another good game for the Irons, then put in a tremendous blocking tackle on 32 minutes to stop a Derby attack in its tracks. Reo-Coker gathered the loose ball and went on a blistering run through the centre. He found Matty with and inch-perfect pass and he delivered a really dangerous ball into the six yard box. Unfortunately a Derby boot got there first to put the ball over the bar.

It was encouraging to see some pace coming out of defence, and another quick attack followed two minutes later after a Derby free kick was cleared. Teddy found Matty he then delivered another great cross, but Marlon couldn’t get on the end of it.

The Irons defence looked bemused on 38 minutes as a sky high ball dropped down in the box to find the waiting Rasiak. Fortunately he didn’t have the guile to bring the ball under control and Bywater was able to leap and gather.

What Marlon needs

Three minutes later, Chadders made another useful run down the right and put over a useful ball which went to Marlon’s feet for a change. This is where Marlon is at his most dangerous – I’ll come back to this later – and he used his strength to turn the defender. Unfortunately he scooped his shot over.

With two minutes to go before the break, Reo-Coker made a penetrating run down the right and he found Chadwick with a nice pass. Chadders delivered a threatening cross and the Derby clearance found Fletch in a central position. He fired in a powerful low shot which beat the left hand post. The keeper must have got a touch on it as a corner followed which ended up coming out to Teddy who put in a poor shot wide.

At half time, my feeling was that the team had been able to recover from a dire start and that the game was for the taking in the second half.

Appalling dive

After the half time entertainment which consisted of a steward falling a*se over t*t trying to navigate a chain barrier, West Ham began much more positively. On 49 minutes, Teddy made a superb header to find Marlon but his shot was a wasted effort wide.

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Three minutes later I found myself with about 1,999 other Hammers’ fans willing a ball over the line. After a fantastic run and determined work in the box by Reo- Coker, he managed to get a shot in which was only partially blocked by Camp. Unluckily for Nigel – who had a really effective game throughout – veteran defender Jeff Kenna was on hand to clear off the line.

Almost immediately after Matty was sent on his way again and he made a brilliant run to the dead ball line, but his cross was blocked out at the very last second by some good Derby defending.

On 54 minutes, Teddy found Chadders standing on the six yard line, but he couldn’t bring the ball under control. A minute later, Marlon made a great take and turn foxing the Derby defence. He delivered a dangerous cross, but Teddy could only head the ball at Camp.

Put a sock in it

It was at this point that a few numbskulls were abusing Marlon. I’m really getting sick of this and I joined a few neighbouring fans in telling one so-called fan to “shut the f*ck up”. After the game I had a chat with one of the boys that had come up to the game for the crack. He’s an Arsenal fan, but his take on the Marlon situation is that the service to him was not good. He’s right. Where Marlon excels is when the ball comes to his feet and he is able to hold off challenges and turn defenders. That’s what needs to happen with the final ball to get the best out of Marlon.

Derby introduced Peschisolido on 56 minutes for the disappointing Reich and three minutes later, Smith went off on a fine run down the left with Mullins looking unable to cope. The cross was good, but the header was not.

Then on 72 minutes, Derby nearly pulled off a goal with a piece of individual skill from Peschisolido. His expert overhead kick looked very dangerous for a second, but Bywater saved well.

Teddy denied

From the clearance that followed, I thought we had scored again, when a great run from Marlon led to the ball being cut back to Teddy with the keeper floundering. He had the goal at his mercy, but Konjic, one of three Derby defenders on the line, managed to block and clear his goal-bound shot.

Burley changed it again with the introduction of Taylor for the largely anonymous Idiakez on 74 minutes. A minute later, Smith made another fine run down the right followed by an inch-perfect cross. Bywater made an excellent block of the resulting header without looking like he knew too much about it.

Z-man took the field on 76 minutes for the tired-looking Teddy, although some numbskulls near me were baying for the substitution of Marlon. I remarked that I was surprised that Lomas was not coming on, although maybe Pardew had learnt something and made a positive move to try and win the match, rather than settling for the draw.

It all then became a bit scrappy. Reo-Coker won the ball again in midfield for about the tenth time and then West Ham fans’ favourite ref Mr G Poll blew up for a foul on Fletch with Reo-Coker in possession of the ball and going forward. It reminded me of that FA Cup game at Fulham when he stopped the game in similar fashion just as we were clear through on goal.

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Z-man stamps his mark on the game

Z-man scuffed a poor shot wide with eight minutes left after he had been picked out by a Fletch pass, and then followed the main moment of controversy in the game. Z-man was battling for the ball down the right with Derby left back Jason Talbot when Poll blew up for a foul, penalising Zamora. The Derby fans then went spare as Z-man appeared to stamp on Talbot. Derby head-case Konjic went running over to barge Zamora on the touchline and Poll decided to sort that one out with a yellow card for both of them. A half-eaten pie was thrown from the crowd at Zamora as well, but no doubt video evidence will be looked at to see whether Poll got that one right.

That incident was about the only thing of note involving Z-man after he had joined the game and I personally would have liked to have seen the Ukrainian brought on instead as lately he has looked a lot sharper and able to win balls in dangerous positions.

Aside from an awful free kick from Matty and a comedy tumble from Z-man during the two minutes added time, the game fizzled out to a draw.

The curry was magnificent, the performance wasn’t

I joined up with the Derby boys to visit an excellent Indian restaurant called Anoki on London Road. The draw meant that the costs were split, but if you ever find yourself in Derby, it’s a top notch curry emporium. Acknowledging the fact that it’s an ex-cinema, they project fantastic excerpts from Bollywood movies on the wall.

This game marked the end of a disappointing mini-tour of the East Midlands which left us with just one point. Although Derby are struggling away from home, it is important to recognise that they have beaten Ipswich and Reading at Pride Park and now held us and Wigan to a draw. On the other hand I really do take issue with Pardew’s description of the performance as “magnificent”.

Alan, I’m a West Ham fan and I know what magnificent is. Magnificent is going to Old Trafford and seeing Paolo or Defoe score and win the match. Magnificent is going to Stamford Bridge and turning over the blue scum. Going to Derby in the Championship and getting a draw on a Wednesday night after losing to another team that hadn’t won at home all season is…..well…you tell me.

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West Ham 1 Wolves 0 (2nd October, 2004)

Judas makes one last visit to receive a customary warm welcome.

I never get upset when Paul Ince turns up at the Boleyn Ground. Somehow I always find myself wistfully recalling a game in late November 1988, when he stuck away an exceptional free kick in a 4-1 Hammers win over Liverpool in the League Cup.

Happy days but either long forgotten or never seen in the first place by the gathered hordes of the claret and blue faithful as they greeted him with the customary rendition of “Stand up if you hate Paul Ince”. This was probably the loudest I have heard the crowd this season and you do wonder why we can’t support the team with so much venom.

Nigel is our leader

The first thing of note about this game was that Nigel Reo-Coker was handed the captain’s armband for the first time as Teddy was left on the bench. The Marlon/Z-man combo was given the task of trying to improve on the less than satisfactory 5 goals in 5 games at home.

The Judas-baiters were pleased early on when the despised one made a horrible miskick on 3 minutes when he found himself in a promising position in the box. Reo-Coker was keen to impress in his new role and on 5 minutes he slotted through a good pass to find Chadders on the right. He put a dangerous ball into the box but Z-man couldn’t latch onto it.

A minute later a fine exchange of passes sent Marlon on his way down the right, but he could only scuff a shot wide of the post without there being any danger of troubling the keeper.

West Ham underlined the team’s lively start on 9 minutes when Bywater got a great throw out to Matty. He found Z-man who then made a great pass to Marlon who ran on and put over a dangerous cross. Waiting in the box was Z-man, but it was more of what we have come to expect with the increasingly hapless striker as he made an awful header way wide of the target. It wasn’t going to get much better as the game wore on, with Lescott always on top in the aerial battle.

Devo was having another dominant game and looked totally composed on the ball. However, he made an error on 16 minutes when he failed to clear a ball which had been delivered in from the Wolves right. The hated one came steaming in but volleyed wildly over when he should have hit the target. The Bobby Moore Lower loved that.

Sure plays a mean pinball

Chadders had made a bright start and on 19 minutes he skinned a Wolves defender and won a corner from his deflected cross. The corner led to a game of pinball in the box with about four West Ham players trying to get in a shot. The ball was cleared but there was some panic amongst the West Midlanders.

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4 minutes later it looked like we had got the goal that our early control of the game merited. Marlon used his strength brilliantly to win a ball which had been speculatively punted up field. He ran on goal and we all expected him to get the shot away, but unselfishly he passed it sideways to the waiting Z-man who was adjudged to be in an offside position when he sidefooted it into the net. The decision to pass was clearly a poor one.

Hayden Mullins, who was playing again at right back was having one of his better games of late, and he managed to get into some good positions to cut out crosses from the lively South Korean international Seol.

Set piece Devo

On 27 minutes Marlon sprung the offside trap and won a corner after a powerful run down the left. The corner was whipped in by Matty and there was the waiting Devo who was a constant threat at set pieces today. He got a good head on the ball, but the keeper made a fantastic leap to his right to somehow pluck it out of the top corner and tip it wide.

Although he had made a fine throw out earlier, Bywater’s distribution during the first half left much to be desired. He either seemed to kick it into touch – there was a right howler from a free kick near the corner flag – or he kept finding an opponent. He did look pretty solid though in dealing with shots – he easily coped with a swerving shot from 30 yards on 34 minutes and then made a fine save four minutes later after a lucky rebound off a West Ham defender led to a shot from the right.

Nigel blots his copybook

From the corner which resulted from this athletic save, Bywater made a strong punch out which found Matty on the left wing. He passed to Z-man who made a quick pass out to the advancing Reo-Coker who found himself in the box. All he had to do was slot it wide of the keeper, but he shot poorly wide of the right hand post. This was the only blemish in a captain’s first half performance – if he could finish more clinically or find the killer final ball more often, then he would be a complete player. In this respect he seems to have a similar weakness to Joe Cole.

With three minutes of ordinary time to go, Z-man made a comedy jump where his feet were back on the ground by the time the ball arrived. He simply looked like he did not fancy it against Lescott. Straight after this, the ball got pushed forward by Wolves and Tom got penalised for a foul in a dangerous central position around 22 yards out. What followed was a complete cock-up with Judas running over the ball and Seol left stranded wondering what to do with the ball. You wonder what they’ve been doing on the training ground.

Te final action of the half was a good piece of link up play between Chadders and Matty down the left. A corner was one and Matty found the inevitable head of Devo again, but the ball just went over nestling on the roof of the net.

Double substitution

Half time came, and it soon became clear that the Ukrainian would be taking the pitch at the restart, as he was warming up. I was expecting Z-man to come off but surprisingly Pardew took off both wingers and brought on Rebrov and Lomas. Strange, as both Matty and Chadders had been effective and you would have thought that width was the way to beat the negative tactics of the opposition.

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Sergei made an immediate impression with some good passing. He is beginning to look like he might be firing on all cylinders and he certainly gave some impetus to the West Ham play at the start of the second half.

Marlon was also adding some penetration when he went on a typically aggressive run on 48 minutes. He did well to beat two defenders but his delivery across the box from the dead ball line was behind the advancing Zamora.

A corner down the right from Sergei two minutes later found Marlon at the near post, but his snatched volley was hit wide.

Wolves only answer was to play the offside game and their back four was pushing almost up to the halfway line at every opportunity. This led to quite a few offsides, but you felt that the success of this tactic was more due to the lack of quality balls forward out of midfield by West Ham. I remain of the view – and this is shared by a few of the East Stand faithful around me – that the ball is not going forward quickly enough to Marlon’s feet.

After an energetic start, Sergei gave the ball away on 52 minutes and this led to a shot on goal which Bywater didn’t hold convincingly at first ask. Fortunately he was able to recover.

Nicked off Calum’s head

Z-man put in a dire cross two minutes later, after some good work by Reo-Coker. Almost immediately afterwards another West Ham attack saw Marlon head the ball at the keeper with Devo piling in behind him. Calum looked very frustrated about that as he was in a better position to head the ball.

Z-man was put out of his misery and replaced by Teddy on 61 minutes, but not before a looped shot from the Wolves right drifted tantalising by Bywater’s upright. No sooner had Teddy joined the fray, but Marlon went on a superb mazey run but his cross was overhit and Sheringham couldn’t get a foot on it.

Marlon saw another header go wide from a corner on 67 minutes and an unlikely goal almost resulted a minute later when Marlon surged forward and hit a shot against a defender. The ball just spun wide.

Devo had clearly been told to get forward to ramp up the pressure in the box. On 72 minutes, he picked up an overhit cross down the left and showed great close ball control to beat a defender. He fired in a low cross right into th danger zone, but Sergei couldn’t get a full boot on t and the keeper collected the ball.

For the second time in the game, Tom gave away a free kick on 74 minutes in a dangerous position just outside the box. This time, the kick was not to be elaborate, it was taken very quickly and Bywater had to be at his most alert to turn it over as it dipped under the bar.

Remember 1966

Our inability to score was giving some encouragement to the Wolves fans and they struck up with “You’re gonna win f**k all”. It reminded me of that glorious day out at Molineux last year when we taunted them with “Premiership, you’re having a laugh”. This time the riposte from the Bobby Moore was even better – “We won a f**king World Cup”.

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If this choral battle was won by the Irons’ fans, it was Teddy that really silenced the Wolves fans on 76 minutes. Chris Powell – who had a solid game today – put a ball forward to Marlon who in turn tried to thread a ball through. His pass hit the defender and somewhat fortuitously bounced back to Teddy who picked it up, ran forward and coolly finished clinically to the right of the keeper. He looked so calm in the execution, but I suppose this is now pure instinct. Tremendous stuff.

The immediate aftermath of this perfect finish was a monsoon-like downpour that saw the front rows of the Bobby Moore Lower retreating for cover. You rarely see rain like that, and it must have been disorienting to play in. In fact Wolves nearly got an instantaneous goal in response from the kick off, but the shot went just wide of the post.

There was more good work from Marlon on 80 minutes as he shrugged off a couple of challenges and got over a cross which the keeper spilled. In the scramble that followed, it looked like that Marlon was body-checked in the box and he was claiming a penalty which was declined by Ref Barry Knight.

Teddy was all over the pitch and was even doing a job in defence as Wolves looked for an undeserved equaliser. Marlon was the outlet coming out of defence in the closing stages: on 80 minutes he made a great turn but converted the ball over the cross bar; three minutes later he was put free by a fine pass by Teddy, but he was pushed wide and could only win a corner from his blocked shot. With a minute left of ordinary time, Teddy nearly made it a brace after Sergei got a great cross over from a short corner, but his glancing header went just over with a suspicion of a touch from the keeper.

What’s the score?

Nothing of any great note took place in the two minutes of added time apart from a cameo comedy moment from a Wolves defender who attempted to back heel the ball to save a corner but only succeeded in hitting himself. The final whistle went with “Judas, Judas, what’s the score?” ringing in Paul Ince’s ears.

Yet another 1-0 to Irons, but a win was certainly deserved against a Wolves team that looks low in confidence. They caused us few problems but we remain unable to put the games like this beyond doubt. We are yet to score more than one goal in a home Championship game this season and a victory never feels secure. We did look pretty solid at the back and Lomas, Fletch and Reo-Coker all had decent games. Generally there were far fewer misplaced passes that witnessed of late.

It does seem sensible to bring Teddy off the bench so that he can work tirelessly for half an hour. He is always able to turn a game. The problem is that it is very hard to justify a start for Z-man at the moment. Given that Sergei is clearly performing better, I would like to see him start with Marlon for a change. This probably won’t happen at QPR as Teddy will have had a two week recuperation.

It seems to me indisputable at this stage of the season that no team is taking the league by the scruff of the neck and making it theirs. What we really need is a decent run over the next 3-4 games and stamp our authority. We have the quality to do it, do we have the determination?

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West Ham 2 Stoke 0 (19th October, 2004)

The Jocks gather in earnest in the East End.

Tonight was Caledonian night down the Boleyn Ground. My mate Celtic Ryan was joining me for one of his occasional visits and quite coincidentally I bumped into another sweaty sock at the Priory Road ticket office.

This geezer had quite a gallows mentality. “I’m West Ham, Hibs and Scotland, which means I’m really f*cked”, he said. This only goes to show that there’s always someone worse off than you.

The West Ham lineup saw the welcome return of a couple of players that had missed the QPR game. Back came Malky in the centre of defence, Rufus in for the injured Powell and Matty down the left. We started upfront with the Zamora/Harewood combination, leaving Teddy and Sergei on the bench. Clearly Pardew had decided to give Z-man the opportunity to show what he was made of after his implied criticism of the player earlier in the week.

We started brightly enough and it was Zamora who got a shot in as early as the first minute following a run down the left by Rufus. However the effort was easily taken by Ed de Goey. Four minutes later Marlon showed real pace piling forward into the box with intent, but a last ditch tackle thwarted him just before he was able to unleash a shot. You wondered why he took so long about it.

A miserable jock speaks out

Ryan, who does a brilliant impression of Alan Hansen was able to come out with some classic clichés in the style of the dour porridge-gobbler (“diabolical”, “rushed”, “casual”, “no control”) following a series of poor clearances by our central defence. On 10 minutes Malky made a dreadful pass to a Stoke player and then a couple of minutes later Tom gave the ball away twice in quick succession.

Marlon found himself in a good position on 14 minutes but he shot tamely wide. Most immediately the ball came down the other end and Tom made a horrible mistake which allowed Stoke to gather the ball. Fortunately the shot that followed was taken down low comfortably by Bywater.

On 20 minutes Chadders put in some good work down the right and then made a nicely angled pass into the right hand side of the box which Marlon picked up. His shot was poor and dragged wide of the post.

Z-man shows

Two minutes after that Zamora brought the ball down well on the edge of the boxas it floated over the head of the stout defender. He found some space well but his shot was also blasted wide. Z-man featured again on 28 minutes when he made an excellent layoff to Chadders who hit a low powerful shot through a sea of legs. De Goey made a fine save down low when a goal looked certain.

Matty delivered his first surely penetrating run of the night on the half hour through the centre rather than down the right. A gap opened up just in front of the back four who looked far too deep allowing Matty to send in exactly the ball that Marlon requires – to feet. Marlon made a great swivel and shot powerfully into the bottom corner.

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Mullins, not to be outdone by some of the dodgy passing out of defence in the first 15 minutes then decided to feed a Stoke player almost from the kick off and we were lucky that they could not capitalise on his error.

Lack of quality and then quality restored

That was about it for the first half – we had the advantage, although there was not a lot of quality on show, with the exception of Reo Coker who was having one of his typical bustling and competitive games. Matty took what looked like a bad knock to his foot just before the break and Chadders got a yellow card in added time for kicking the ball away after a free kick had been awarded.

The Matty injury was bad enough for him to be replaced just three minutes into the second half. On came Teddy to the usual acclamation and almost immediately he started to show his class with some deft touches. The arrival of Teddy though almost seemed to have a mesmorising effect on Z-man who just seemed incapable of getting his foot on the ball in the opening exchanges.

On 58 minutes the game effectively came to an end when a rather average cross from the left hand side by Zamora surprised the Stoke defence. A slight deflection saw the ball arrive to the waiting Harewood deep in the box down the right. He did exactly the right thing with an early delivery back in which Teddy met with a terrific little back flick a la Thierry Henry. De Goey was totally foxed and we were 2-0 up.

Stoke roll of the dice

Stoke tried to rescue something with a double change on 63 minutes, but the damage was already done and they just didn’t look at the races at all tonight. A couple of minutes later, Lomas had a good chance to volley home after a West Ham free kick bounced out to find him well placed centrally just outside the box. He couldn’t find the target.

The remaining 20 minutes of the match was about West Ham largely holding possession and depriving the ineffectual Stoke of the ball. We just controlled proceedings – not overly exciting to watch but professional in execution. Chadders did manage a howler of a pass after a series of West Ham exchanges before suffering his almost habitual substitution for Fletch on 76 minutes.

Hardly had the ex Cherry joined the game when Mullins failed to deal with a high ball allowing Stoke substitute Carl Asaba to get in a good shot at close range which Bywater did well to parry.

West Ham won a corner on 78 minutes which led to Malky challenging in the air and pressurising the Stoke defence with the ball coming back across the goal. Teddy was waiting there and looked certain to score, but he could only poke the ball wide of the upright.

The ten minute Ukrainian

Predictably again, Sergei was given his ten minutes on the pitch, replacing Zamora, who got an almost sympathetic round of applause as he went off. Rebrov looked immediately lively, leading Ryan to comment, “Looks like he’s been hanging out with that Mutu”.

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The song of the night then came from the Bobby Moore Lower – directed at de Goey: “You’re just a gay porn actor”. This taunt was encouraged by some scuffling down the Centenary end. From where I was sitting it looked like there was some banter going on which led to the police piling in and chucking a few fans out from both sides of the divide.

With three minutes to go, probably the best passing movement of the night happened between Teddy and Sergei which in turn led to a beautifully weighted pass from Marlon through to Fletch in the box. He fired in a shot from an acute angle against the keeper’s legs when a slanted ball back may well have seen a tap in for 3-0.

That was about it. Not a great spectacle and Stoke put in a pretty lacklustre performance. After we got the second goal, the game was killed off by long periods of West Ham possession. We could have been there all day and Stoke wouldn’t have scored and on this evidence it seems hard to believe that they will be up challenging at the top. They did look very much like a team that hadn’t won in six.

As you all probably know by now, I don’t do player ratings but Celtic Ryan fancied a stab at this. As I rarely agree with people north of Hadrian’s Wall, I’ll leave it to others to slag off his opinions.

Stephen Bywater (7): Wasn’t asked to do much, but when called upon, he did well.

Hayden Mullins (6): Pretty solid but his distribution looked suspect.

Malky Mackay (7): Shaky start, probably due to not having played for a while. Improved as game went on and looked pretty untroubled.

Tomas Repka (7): Also made early errors but settled into a controlled performance.

Rufus Brevett (6): Nothing spectacular but hardly troubled.

Luke Chadwick (4): This bloke just does not fancy putting the tackles in, and he bottled it on more than one occasion. Never seems to take defenders on and get by them.

Nigel Reo-Coker (8): Until Teddy came on he was probably the best player on the pitch. I like the way he surges forward and battles hard for the ball. Looks like a Premiership quality player.

Steve Lomas (6): Put himself about but not particularly creative in his play. Relatively error free.

Matty Etherington (7): Looked pretty sharp until he got crocked.

Marlon Harewood (7): Strong on the ball and went looking for it. Looks a bit isolated up front as Zamora’s not helping.

Bobby Zamora (4): Simply isn’t cutting it around the box. Never looked like he thought he could win the ball. Doesn’t hunt the ball down and makes it his. For a big bloke he just looks lightweight.

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Subs

Teddy Sheringham (8): As soon as he came on the quality showed. He just has a lot of craft.

Carl Fletcher (6): Looked quite good for the short time he was on – injected a bit of creativity into midfield.

Sergei Rebrov (6): Busy and industrious during his brief display. You felt like you would have liked to have seen more to make a better judgement.

Man of the match: Nigel Reo-Coker

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West Ham 3 Gillingham 1 (23rd October, 2004)

Darren Blewitt – geddit?

We were robbed today. He stood up, ready to storm home. Instead of repeating the 27cm monster reported in this week’s Enfield Independent, our boy Brendan got beat by a paltry eight and a half incher. What a blow. All of Enfield’s hope got burst.

This probably has got a lot of you totally non-plused, but I am of course talking about the Dubble Bubble competition at half time today to blow the biggest bubble gum bubble. It just had to be at Upton Park, didn’t it? After all with a club song like we have and a reserve team defender called Darren Blewitt, it was a match made in heaven.

There was only one change in the starting line-up from the Stoke game, when Sergei started down the right side of midfield rather than Chadders. Somewhat surprisingly, Matty was deemed fit, and I did wonder if Fletch should have started instead of Lomas. As the game unravelled though, I had to admit that my doubts about Lomas were unfounded.

Z-man responds to kick up ar*e

The first thing that was crystal clear in this game was that Zamora looked highly motivated. Maybe the dig from Pardew at the beginning of the week had done the trick as amazingly he got stuck in and won a 50/50 ball on 9 minutes. Immediately afterwards, Marlon, who also looked lively, went on a ranging run down the right but got bundled off the ball in the box. That had the suspicion of a penalty about it and certainly Marlon didn’t look impressed by the lack of interest from ref Mr Evans.

On 11 minutes, Gillingham made their first threatening move of the game, when a free kick from the right was delivered over the top to the far post. Luckily, the Gills’ Ian Cox couldn’t capitalise on a free header nor could they get on the end of a ball in from the right hand side of the box which Bywater held well down low.

On the quarter hour, Marlon benefited from a lucky break from a long ball and managed to set Z-man on his way. He advanced menacingly on goal on the right hand side of the box and fired in a powerful shot towards the top left hand corner of the goal. Gills keeper Jason Brown made a good save, but he would have been beaten had Z-man chosen the other side of the goal.

Three minutes later, West Ham made the breakthrough after Z-man was again on the end of a good pass from Marlon. He showed good strength to surge forward and this time, Zamora chose the right hand corner with his shot. It beat Brown hands down.

Marlon joins the party

On 20 minutes, Marlon nearly made it 2-0 after a nice chest down from Sergei on the edge of the box. It wasn’t one of his most telling strikes, and Brown held the ball well. Three minutes later Marlon was again involved with an excellent pass to Reo-Coker, but he ran out of steam running in on goal.

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Lomas was showing that he merited the start with a number of solid passes and tackles in the centre of the park. One of these found Matty who put in a great ball to find Z-man in acres of space down the left hand side of the box. He angled back a pass from the dead ball line and there was Marlon waiting to smash the ball into the roof of the net from close range. 25 minutes gone and we were cruising.

Reo-Coker then nearly added to what was becoming a rout just a minute later when he went on a great run cross field but he shot just wide of the right hand post. Marlon won the ball on 31 minutes and tore off towards the dead ball line yet again. He put a dangerous raking ball back across the box, but unfortunately it was behind all of the West Ham players.

Z-man involved again

After lanky ex MK Don Patrick Agyemang was substituted because of injury on 37 minutes, Matty showed a lovely piece of skill to retrieve the ball and this led to a corner on the left. The delivery from Matty evaded the heads of the Gillingham defenders and Z-man was waiting to collect. He put in a volley which was half cross, half shot and the unlikely figure of Hayden Mullins was waiting at the far post to head home. It was no more than our play and domination deserved.

Two minutes after the goal, Marlon nearly scored again after he used his usual strength to shield the ball on the edge of the box. He turned in style and put in a fine shot which Brown just held above his head.

With added time underway, a brief period of pressure by Gillingham led to a corner. Steve Lomas failed to clear his lines and a good cross resulted from Rose down the left side. He found Darren Byfield – who had replaced Agyemang – and his header was expertly dispatched into the top right hand corner with Bywater left as a bystander.

The half time whistle went with the enthusiasm of the Hammers’ fans only slightly blunted by the undeserved Gillingham goal. The Marlon/Z-man combination in particular looked lethal and the Gills had been totally outplayed by a fluent and combative West Ham side.

Reo-Coker fails to appear

Reo-Coker didn’t come on for the second half and he was replaced by Fletch. He got on the end of a lay-off just outside the box on 48 minutes, but his shot went just wide with the Booby Moore Lower on the edge of a goal celebration. Then two minutes later, Fletch figured again with a great ball to Matty who sped forward and put in a good cross. Waiting near the penalty spot was Sergei who was unfortunate to see his goal bound shot blocked.

Two corners followed in quick succession and Lomas gathered a half clearance and put in a pretty decent shot which Brown did well to hold down low in the slippery conditions.

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Gills revival

The West Ham defence had hardly been troubled, but Tom was called upon to make a telling tackle on 54 minutes with a Gills defender looking to break on goal. Eight minutes later Fletch also made an important block in the box but conceded a corner. A revival by the Gills should have been rewarded with a goal when Spiller was found from the corner. His cracking shot hit Bywater’s crossbar and rebounded harmlessly away.

Encouraged by this passage of play, there was another penetrating attack from the Gills after Lomas lost out in the centre circle. Tom was on hand to make another crucial block after a dangerous ball was sent in from the right. Again a corner resulted, but a header was put just over.

All of this was beginning to create a bit of anxiety amongst the Hammers faithful and Pardew decided to change it with the introduction of Cohen for Matty. West Ham began to improve almost immediately led by some good work again down the left by Z-man. He put in a good cross which was cleared, but a West Ham player was also ruled offside.

Tom is a rock

Tom was continuing to anchor the defence and he was winning most balls in the air. Satisfied with Zamora’s response to his demand for an improved performance, Pardew swapped him for Chadders with 15 minutes left. Z-man went off to probably the warmest applause he has received for some time and he deserved it.

Immediately after this substitution, Marlon glanced a header just wide from a corner. Then on 76 minutes he made a top drawer turn and shot after he had received a fine ball in from Lomas. Although the shot went over - the keeper just got enough on it - this sparked a chorus on “there’s only one Marlon Harewood” from the Bobby Moore Lower. This recognition of Harewood’s contribution to the team is long overdue, in my view. To rub it in further, Marlon taunted three Gills defenders and still had the audacity to win a corner.

Byfield had not given up the ghost and he twisted and turned down the left on 79 minutes, but his shot was well held by Bywater. Two minutes later, Byfield ended up on a stretcher after he tried to beat Tom down the right and slid straight into the hoardings in front of the away fans. It looked pretty nasty.

In the fine tradition of makeshift West Ham strikers, Malky had been asked to play as a fill in centre forward. He didn’t look too mobile up front and the last couple of minutes of the match were filled with Hammers fans bellowing at him to get onside.

Chelscum are next

West Ham completely ran the game in the first half, and although Gillingham improved in the second half, they created few threats. It might have been interesting if Spiller’s shot had gone in with just under half an hour to go, but the opposition fizzled out after that. It was encouraging to see Marlon and Z-man combining so well, although I would have dearly loved to have seen Rebrov get a goal.

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No complaints at all really, but this was clearly a poor Gillingham side low on confidence after a string of bad results. They hadn’t been too lucky with injuries either. There will be a sterner test in a few days time, but we’ll all be on our way to the Kremlin with hope in our hearts. If we do ‘em I will be dancing down the King’s Road, just like after that time Paolo f*cked ‘em over.

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Chelsea 1 West Ham 0 (Carling Cup, 27th October, 2004)

Wild and unabandoned celebration as Fat Frank misses a pen.

Picture the scene. A chip shop in the Kings Road. Fat blue scummer with his heads in his hands wailing, “How did we lose to those c**ts?”

That was my abiding memory of the last trip to Scumford Bridge over two years ago, when Paolo worked some magic. Happy days - although that season ended in disaster it was marked by a double over Chelsea, engineered on both occasions by the Italian maestro. Arriving at Fulham Broadway it seemed like an eternity ago and the new tube station added to the sense of unfamiliarity.

The atmosphere was buzzing, and if you needed a simple encapsulation of why we need to be back in the Premiership, this was it.

An oily Russian and his cash

A lot of water has gone under the bridge since that meeting back in September 2002 and obscene amounts of cash has gone into it, courtesy of the rape of the previously state-run oil industry in Russia by Abramovic and his pals. Looking at the West Ham side that started the match, only Tom and Lomas had survived.

Chelsea rang the changes for the game, with Terry, Bridge, Johnson, Makele all left out and Cech, Lampard, Huth Duff and Gudjohnsen on the bench. For our part, there was no Sheringham, Davenport or Chadwick, although somewhat surprisingly both Reo-Coker and Matty started, joining the recalled Nowland in midfield.

Buoyed by the raucous travelling support, we started in positive style, with Marlon looking up for the game from the start. With just three minutes gone a strange back pass by Carvalho looked for one second like it was going in.

Nowland looked like he was finding difficulty in adjusting to the top tier with a pass that went badly astray on 5 minutes and almost immediately afterwards, Chelsea broke with a rapid move by Robben down the right that saw a cross over to the far post. Goalless £5 million signing Mateja Kezman failed again as he slammed the ball downwards into the turf to allow Jimmy Walker to make a good save.

Rufus stops Cole

Nowland made amends two minutes later with a powerful shot from distance after some good work by Z-man, but it sailed over the bar. The West Ham tackle of the night was by Rufus on 11 minutes as he managed to get a last ditch tackle on Joe Cole to deny him a clear goalscoring opportunity in the box. Undeterred, Cole found himself in another dangerous position two minutes later and managed to get a shot in which Walker again held well down low.

Nowland was at fault again on 14 minutes, as another misplaced pass let Cole gather the ball and thread through a fine ball to Kezman. Once again, the Dutchman blew it as he knocked the ball past Walker with such weight that he couldn’t retrieve it.

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And where were you?

Nigel Reo-Coker was beginning to show that he can cut the mustard at the highest level with a high energy performance in the centre of the park. Parker looked second rate in comparison and this encouraged the West Ham fans to taunt the subdued Chelsea crowd with a stirring rendition of “Where were you when you were sh*t?” This seemed a bit double-edged to me: clearly there are a lot of glory-hunters down there, but did this equally mean that we are true fans because we were here when we are sh*t?

On 22 minutes, Tom was called upon to deal with Kezman after Nowland gave the ball away in a midfield bereft of space. There just isn’t the time at this level to dwell on the ball. Nowland did a lot better coming forward on 24 minutes with a fine run and pass to Marlon, who couldn’t beat the defender. Nowland then was found free on 26 minutes following a nasty foul on Reo-Coker from behind. He let loose with a 30 yard shot which flew over the bar.

Although it was difficult for West Ham to penetrate deep into Chelsea territory, we were doing well in midfield where we seemed to be first to the ball on most occasions. Zamora was grafting particularly well, building on his much improved performance against Gillingham. On 29 minutes, he found himself with some uncustomary time and space just outside the box, but couldn’t quite apply the necessary curl on his shot to find the bottom right hand corner of the goal.

West Ham’s passing and movement was very encouraging and an excellent series of short passes on 31 minutes involving Matty, Nowland and Reo-Coker led to Marlon picking the ball up down the right. He tried a shot on goal but this somehow ended up hitting the advancing Lomas and behind for a goal kick.

Who rejected who?

Joe Cole, who was booed by sections of the away fans went on a stumbling run which led to him running the ball out of play. This sparked a chorus of “West Ham reject”, although my recollection of what happened there was that he rejected West Ham in somewhat understandable circumstances.

Another ball won in midfield and run by Lomas looked threatening on 33 minutes, but the Northern Irishman – who put in a great fighting display throughout – couldn’t find the waiting Z-man in the box. Three minutes later, West Ham won a free kick down the right following a foul on Marlon and the Matty ball in which followed almost went in at the far post.

Walker was called upon again to make a fine save after Cole was gifted the ball from a misunderstanding in central defence. From the resulting corner, Kezman spurned another golden opportunity as he put a free header wide of the post.

Z-man shines again

Towards the end of the half, Z-man proved once again that his touch had returned. He was winning balls in the air and using his body well to hold and shield the ball. You know, he might just have turned the corner – I hope so with all my heart.

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On 41, Matty went on the run of the half, cutting in from the left. Entering the Chelsea box, he foxed everybody – including himself – although the loose ball was only just grabbed in time by Cudicini. Two minutes later, Reo-Coker won another ball in midfield and shot forward menacingly, but his goal-bound shot was blocked.

It would have been hard on the Hammers if we had gone into the break behind, but with a minute to go Kezman wasted his third and best opportunity. This time Geremi was the provider following his run down the right. Standing unmarked on the edge of the six yard, he unbelievably nodded wide.

The final action of the half was in the Chelsea box after Reo-Coker made the ball his yet again and fed a pass out to Matty. His cross was too near to the keeper who gathered it and was then barged over by Marlon. A melee in the box followed with Gallas over-reacting but ref Andy D’Urso calmed it down well.

Undoubtedly this was one of West Ham’s best first half performances for some time. Although chances were few, we had good possession and appeared to be winning the midfield battle. Celtic Ryan - who joined me for this one – had no doubts that West Ham had been better overall, although Chelsea had the better chances on goal. With Drogba on the pitch, we may well have been 3-0 down.

Drug rehab sponsorship opportunity

During the half time interval, a glance in the Chelsea programme revealed that Mutu is the only player in the Chelsea team without a kit sponsor. Ryan suggested that the obvious choice would be “The Priory”.

We were expecting Chelsea to up the tempo in the second half and so it proved. Mourinho no doubt put a rocket up their ar*es, although the first chance fell to West Ham following a free kick on 46 minutes. Unfortunately, Lomas dragged a shot horribly wide.

Anton – who looked really quite comfortable in central defence – then made an uncharacteristic error on 47 minutes allowing Kezman to gather the ball inside the box. His shot was superbly parried by Walker and Rufus was on hand in front of an open goal to clear.

Joe Cole was again deploying his familiar twisting and turning to create space in front of goal on 49 minutes, but his shot went wide of the left hand post although it required a help around the corner by Walker.

Reo does Parker

The only weakness in West Ham’s game was the final ball, but the build up play and passing was consistently pretty good. Reo-Coker was still winning his personal battle with Parker, who looks like he might be on his way before too long.

Chelsea got the breakthrough on 57 minutes after another good run and perfectly weighted ball from Joe Cole. Kezman ran onto the pass and fired a shot across goal which fortunately – for him – hit the inside of the post and went in. Walker was unlucky as it looked like he had got his angles right.

Tom looked really at home back at the top level again and is really having a fine season to date. I think that he will be a key player in our quest for a return to the Premiership.

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If he’s fat….

Changes for both West Ham and Chelsea took place on 64 minutes as Mark Noble came on for Nowland and Duff for Cole. Almost immediately afterwards, the noise level went up several notches as ‘Big Fat Frank’ came on for the disappointing Parker. On 71 minutes Lampard skewed a shot wide to the utter delight of the travelling support who responded with a lusty chorus of “You’re just a fat Paul Ince”.

These attacks against Lampard, although very good banter, hardly reflect the true situation. More like “Big Fit Frank”, considering he’s not missed a game for over a year. We may not like it, but the reality is that he is one of the finest players in Europe and although I don’t like what he has said about West Ham, I can’t blame him for leaving the club when he did. Ask yourself this: if your old man had been given his P45 unceremoniously after years of service to the club, would you have wanted to stay?

It’s a celebration

Marlon put over a good cross on 75 minutes, but this was headed behind for a corner by the Chelsea defence. The corner was cleared and this led to a Chelsea break involving Kezman. There was confusion in the box as the ball rebounded off the ref and came back to Kezman who was brought down by Tom in the box. Chaos then broke out as D’Urso awarded a penalty as we all knew who would step up to take it. All manner of objects – including a football – got lobbed onto the pitch and it took about three minutes before Lampard could take the spot kick.

Lampard stepped up and hit is straight down the middle at Walker leading to scenes of wild celebration the likes of which I have not seen since Paolo mugged Barthez at Old Trafford.

Gudjohnsen came on for Robben on 81 minutes and a minute later Hutch came on for Z-man. After Mullins made a great last ditch intervention to prevent a goal on 83 minutes, Sergei came on for the last 5 minutes or so, replacing Matty.

Lampard almost made up for his penalty miss on 86 minutes after Tom committed a foul on the right hand side of the box inches outside the area. A deflection from his wicked shot saw the ball strike the crossbar.

Anton nearly saves it

We very nearly won a period of extra time with one minute to go, after Anton rose superbly to meet a Rufus cross. The ball hit the cross bar and the keeper must have touched it as we won a corner which Lomas headed wide. Lomas had one final half chance in the four minutes of added time when a series of passes found him in a central position, but he dragged his shot wide.

The end of the game was marked with West ham fans singing “All the money and you’re f*cking sh*t” and then a bundle with a load of Chelsea stewards in the left hand corner of the stand. It was difficult to see what happened, but I did see one guy leap over about two rows of seats and take out a steward. It all looked totally chaotic and on the way out I saw Tony Cottee on Sky saying that it looked like a complete over-reaction by the stewards. Good old Tony, always sticking up for the club he loves, but I think we could have done without these scenes.

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What can we take out of this? Quite frankly, we don’t need the distraction of a cup run when we have much more important business to deal with. This was a spirited performance and a benchmark for us. A number of our players showed that they can hack it at this level, although I reckon that Reo-Coker is now at the top of the list of a number of Premiership clubs. Maybe Terry will not sell this time, considering he’s just posted a profit for the first time in ages (admittedly because he’s sold all our best players). We need to build on this, take the positives out of it and forge ahead so we can all come back next year – this time in the league.

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Plymouth Argyle 1 West Ham 1 (30th October, 2004)

Monumental rant against Virgin Trains.

Jellied eels and Cornish pasties. According to Gerry, the boss of the restaurant ESM Jnr and I visited in Plymouth on Friday night, that was what was going to be on offer by his staff at a wedding after the match between a local and an East Ender.

A match made in heaven. East meets West. I don’t know whether this was the same nuptials which involved the happy couple that turned up on the pitch before the game started, but I reckon the both of them will be pebble-dashing the pan tomorrow morning with a fishy Ginster mixture. Nice.

By the way, that was a classy claret dress the bride had on. If I ever get married again – which I won’t – I will insist on similar classy attire.

I had a feeling that this game was always going to be a bit of an anti-climax after Chelsea and the gulf in glamour was immediately apparent as one side of Home Park was actually bereft of seats. When was the last time you saw proper terraces at a football match? It looked great from where I was standing in my seat behind the goal. If only they could bring it back at Upton Park.

Sorry, you’re not playing

The starting line-up saw Devo back after a few weeks absence and Fletch got the nod in front of Chadders. You had to feel a little sorry for Anton sitting on the bench after a really solid performance mid-week. The same applied to Jimmy Walker who had been nothing short of sensational down at the Bridge.

The opening exchanges saw Z-man set off a great run down the right and feed the ball to Lomas, who put in another one of those scudded half shots wide of the post. No change from Chelsea there then.

Almost immediately afterwards, Rufus had to head clear after a ball got put over the top with Tom looking for an offside decision which didn’t come. The linesman down the left was going to upset quite a few people more before the game was out.

If you’re coming, you don’t stop

On 3 minutes, Bywater made a right hash of it when he came for a ball and didn’t make it. He was lucky to get away with that.

Not for the last time in the game, the Plymouth fans were up in arms in the 8th minute when Tom stuck his foot out under pressure and delivered what looked like a back pass. Next, Fletch managed to get a half decent cross over a minute later, but Marlon could only head the ball over the bar.

Plymouth looked the better side in the opening period with West Ham looking pretty lethargic. Argyle’s passing and movement was superior and Rufus and Devo – most uncharacteristically – cleared quite a few balls to Plymouth players.

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Premature ejaculations

Tom also decided to fluff it on 12 minutes, allowing space for a shot but thankfully this went wide of Bywater’s right hand post. A minute later, Matty got a volley in after receiving a pass from Reo-Coker, but it didn’t trouble the keeper. Nigel showed again just two minutes later, when he fed a ball to Matty who immediately put over a dangerous cross into the box. Premature jubilation followed as Marlon put the ball in the back of the next but was subsequently ruled offside. Pardew was mightily peeved at that because it was a great move.

Z-man got a yellow on 18 minutes for what looked like dangerous use of his arms and down the other end, Mickey Evans was proving to be quite a handful, finding space and making good use of some headed flick-ons.

On 25 minutes, Worrell was booked for a nasty tackle from behind on Rufus who was also lucky to avoid a booking as he retaliated by kicking out. From the free kick, Reo-Coker lashed in a shot which just went wide of the left hand post.

Devo’s set piece threats

West Ham’s passing was very erratic and in marked contrast to Wednesday night and it was only on 28 minutes that we put Plymouth under some concerted pressure as two corners followed in succession. On both occasions, Devo got his head on it, but he headed over at the second time of asking.

Three minutes later, another corner was won by West Ham and there was Devo again rising above the Plymouth defenders, but he headed down weakly and by the post.

38 minutes saw another Reading player in the book as Worrell threw the ball away after a free kick was awarded. Ref Andy Penn marched forward another 10 yards, but Fletch hit a poor ball in.

With three minutes left on the clock, a ball over the top of the West Ham defence found Evans free and he slanted back a ball to the penalty spot. Fortunately for us, the Plymouth player running in kicked nothing but fresh air. Bywater immediately sent the ball upfield and it found Z-man down the right. He put over the cross of the half to find the advancing Steve Lomas who placed a powerful header beyond Plymouth keeper Larrieu.

It felt like we were a bit fortunate to be in front at half time, but this did not perturb the Hammers fans basking in the unseasonal Devon sun and noshing their pasties.

Plymouth start well

The second half started with an error by Rufus who let Norris in on 47 minutes. A good cross was put over, but the header was straight at Bywater who gathered easily. Worrell then went on a good run on goal five minutes later but he put his shot wastefully over.

On 53 minutes, Z-man beat the offside trap, but he failed to release the ball early enough and he got shut out in the box. Plymouth responded immediately with a rapid break and Bywater had to be very alert to tip over a header which had goal written all over it.

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Marlon clearly had been told to up his work rate at half time and was putting in a lot of energy to close players down and try and win the ball. On 58 minutes Reo- Coker was scythed down from behind and the offender Hodges was booked.

Three minutes later, the only West Ham shot on goal in the second half resulted from a nice flick on by Z-man to find Matty in the box. His shot was slightly deflected, but it did not really trouble the keeper.

Shaky Rufus

Brevett – who was looking shaky defensively – gave away a free kick on 62 minutes and this led to a similar fingertip save by Bywater from another Plymouth header.

Plymouth were looking highly motivated and seemed to ooze belief. On 66 minutes, the West Ham defence looked panicked and a game of pinball followed which led to a ball being blasted just wide of the post.

West Ham just looked increasingly frustrated, and the main tactic seemed to be the long ball which invariably led to either Marlon or Z-man getting caught offside. It was getting to the manager as well, who threw down a water bottle after Z-man had been flagged again.

Marlon won a free kick on 74 minutes and Matty put over one of the rare good crosses of the day to find Fletch who headed just wide.

Set piece levels it

Plymouth levelled it on 75 minutes, but it took a set piece to deliver the goal. Probing the West Ham defence, a free kick was given after Fletch had been deemed to handle the ball on the left hand side of the box about 25 yards out. The whistle was late, and Fletch looked pretty unhappy about it. The wall was in position but Wooton – who had only come on two minutes earlier – hit his shot down one side of it. Bywater got a hand on it, but only succeeded in pushing it upwards into the net. The immediate comparison was with the heroics of Walker at Chelsea.

It was at that point that I decided that we should take the draw, as the likelihood was that a similar outcome to our trips to Forest and Coventry was on the cards. We looked fragile and Plymouth did threaten again – exploiting our weak left hand side – but the ball got put over the bar. We had one last opportunity after Matty went on a long run and got fouled near the dead ball line. However, Fletch, in what was a below par performance put over a poor ball.

Overall, 1-1 was about a fair result and this was another one of those games where we got our nose in front but failed to kill off the opposition. The fact was that we only really created one half chance in the whole of the second half. The final ball was poor as well. This was disappointing after the performance at Chelsea, but you could have predicted it. The problem is always that our main opponents seem to win when we slip up. You get the distinct impression that this may well be what happens for the rest of the season. It’s going to be tough.

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Ladies and gentlemen, this is a message from ESM…

One final point – and this is a message to the train manager who told passengers at Exeter (where we picked up the train) that “regrettably” 300 West Ham fans would be joining the train at Tiverton and that ‘normal’ passengers should move to first class for free “to avoid them”. Listen up. We paid our money to use your train. It was your sh*tty coach service that led to those fans being late at Tiverton. It was your same sh*tty service that saw us stranded between Reading and London for 45 minutes after you told us the delay would be five minutes. You call us abnormal when you can’t even do your f*cking job properly. Have a look in the mirror you inbred freak.

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West Ham 0 Brighton 1 (13th November, 2004)

Teddy makes his debut.

Teddy turned up today at the Boleyn Ground with hope in his heart. Not the 38 year old that looks like he may be lucky to make half our games this year, but ESM Jnr’s half brother Ted, some 33 years the old master’s junior.

Just how modern am I? Teddy is my ex-wife’s boy with her second husband, but the complexities of relationships in the 21st century are immaterial when it comes to football. He’s part of the family, in a way, so he’s got to be an Iron.

Who’s the wa*ker in the black?

Just outside the ground, Teddy pointed at a copper and asked, “Is that the referee?” Amazing how one so young can spot the enemy without being prompted, although he had got that one a bit wrong.

It was fantastic to see his face as he walked up the steps and saw the pitch for the first time and I captured him with my camera for posterity as he took his seat. As I said to one of my neighbours, “I just hope that he’s not heading for 75 years of misery.”

The whole occasion reminded me of ESM Jnr’s first visit at the beginning of the 1998/99 season. It all seems a million years ago, as that day we were playing Liverpool, and you know what, we did ‘em 2-1. Surely Teddy was going to mark his first visit with a victory, not just by the odd goal, but by a hatful.

There seemed to be every reason to believe that, as Brighton had lost three on the bounce and our home form had been pretty convincing, not having lost in nine games.

The West Ham line-up was still missing Sheringham and Reo Coker only started on the bench along with Z-man. Hutch, after his fine performance last week, was chosen to partner Marlon.

High octane start

The game began pretty much as expected, with West Ham looking threatening from the kick off. In the first minute, there was a great ball over the top to Hutch who then found Chadders in the box. Unfortunately his first time effort at goal was fluffed. Just a minute later, there was a great interchange of passes on the edge of the Brighton box. Marlon picked the ball up and hit a powerful swerving shot which beat the Brighton keeper, Michel Kuipers hands down only to find the foot of the right hand post.

Marlon managed another turn and shot on 3 minutes, but Kuipers held the ball well down low. It was all coming quick and fast, and Chadders, who was looking very lively down the right flank made a great run on 5 minutes which resulted in a fine cross. Don was on the end of it, pt he fired just wide when it looked easier to hit the target.

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What a gay day

It was at this point that the Bobby Moore Lower decided to engage in some collective homophobia to try and taunt the away fans. Brighton is of course a favoured spot of Britain’s gay community, so this led to a number of chants such as “Does your boyfriend know you’re here?”, “Stand up ‘cos you can’t sit down”, “We can see you holding hands” and “You’ll be running round Brighton with your boyfriend up you’re a*se.” I reckon we’re asking to be picketed by Peter Tatchell and Outrage.

On 12 minutes, Hutch picked up the scraps and then put through a perfectly weighted ball to the advancing Mullins. He put over a great cross, but Marlon headed wide. Five minutes later, Donaldo featured again with an excellent crossfield pass to find Matty down the left. He ran in on goal and angled in a dangerous near post cross which Marlon couldn’t quite get his foot on as he was under pressure from a defender. The ball went harmlessly wide.

On 20 minutes, Brighton made their first serious foray into the West Ham half and a shot followed from 30 yards which went well wide. Bywater was not too impressed with the closing down in central defence.

The game reverted back to the other end almost immediately, and Don managed to pull the ball down on the edge of the box. His left shot, though, went some way over the bar.

Bywater was required to come out of his box sharpish on 24 minutes to head away a long ball downfield by Brighton. The clearance found Chadders, who went on a very effective 25 yard run to the edge of the box. He unleashed a shot, but it went just wide of the left hand post.

Donaldo dictates

Much of play was sparked by Donaldo, who was spraying around a really nice array of passes. The creativity was in evidence; the problem was clearly the finishing.

On the half hour, West Ham looked certain to score as Kuipers impetuously surged out of his goal and didn’t manage to gather the ball. Devo picked it up but his back was to goal. He did manage to turn and get a cross back in to find the unmarked Hutch, who headed wastefully wide with the goal at his mercy.

Three minutes later, Brighton had their second move of the first half, where creaking ex Milscum striker Steve Claridge got involved in a move down the right. A cross was put over the top of central defence, but the waiting Brighton player, Daniel Harding could not get the ball down quick enough and was only able to loop a shot well over.

Fletch dishes out more of the same

On 34 minutes, Fletch decided to get in on the act with a bustling run forward after he had won the ball off Claridge. Like Hutch and Chadders before him, he blasted his shot wide when he reached the edge of the area.

Two minutes later, Lomas made a lovely lay of to Matty to send him on his way and he put over a wicked cross. Unfortunately Marlon was just beaten to it by the Brighton defender.

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The final chance of the first half came on 40 minutes when the ball came out to Fletch after Marlon couldn’t turn past a wall of defenders in the box. Once again our nerve failed us on the edge of the box as the ex-Cherry hoofed his hot way over the bar.

Profligacy

To be honest although we were guilty of profligacy in front of goal, we had run the first half with overwhelming possession. The build-up play was also pretty good and the defence had been hardly called upon. To me it looked like we just needed to sort out our shooting in and around the box, and we were bound to score. What was slightly worrying me, though, was the recent tendency for West Ham to go downhill in the second half.

The signs at the beginning of the second half were encouraging, as on 46 minutes Marlon used his strength and pace to make the by line. He put in exactly the right ball along the six yard line, but Hutch couldn’t get there in time. Two minutes later Matty went on a penetrating run and exchanged a pass with Marlon who slanted a top class ball back to the corner of the box. Matty was steaming in and managed to get to the ball before the advancing Kuipers. He tried to lift it over the keeper, but failed to do so. Both players collided and required attention, with Matty looking like he’d come out worse in the clash.

On 54 minutes, Chadders continued in the same vein as the first half and found Mullins with a nice ball down the right. The cross was a good one, but Marlon could only head down and wide.

Double change is doubly confusing

Due to the injury sustained by Matty, Pardew decided to make a double change on 56 minutes, with both wide men going off for Reo Coker and ex Brighton hitman Zamora. Although clearly Matty had to go off, the withdrawal of Chadders was pretty puzzling. Apart from the fact that Chadders had been playing well in the game, the loss of both wingers was bound to remove the width in our play. I’d like to hear why that decision was made, and it looked to me like it was almost a habitual move rather than one dictated by tactics.

Marlon was still putting in a tremendous amount of effort, chasing down every ball and back pass, but it was beginning to look like we were running out of steam and ideas. Reo-Coker decided it was his turn to try and win the game on 64 minutes when he ran clear on goal. Once again the finishing was not what it should have been as he shot wide of the keeper and the far post. Marlon slid in to try and retrieve it and could only find the side netting. It wouldn’t have counted if he’d found the goal as he was ruled offside.

Mugged

A minute later there was a massive shout for a penalty as it looked like a Marlon shot was handled, but the ref wasn’t even mildly interested. After Don got booked for a late tackle on 66 minutes, Tom blundered into a challenge with makeshift striker Adam Virgo down the right which led to a free kick near the touchline. The free kick was sent over the top and Butters rose above everybody to direct a header past Bywater. Daylight robbery, but who says that crime doesn’t pay?

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It was the first Brighton attempt on target and we were picking the ball out of the net. Some might say that was harsh, given the domination and possession enjoyed by the Irons, but the reality is that there is always a chance of the sucker punch when you’ve failed to score yourselves.

Hayden loses it

There was still 23 minutes left at this stage, but we were looking frustrated and lacking in ideas. This frustration got the better of Mullins on 72 minutes after he had been the victim of a horrible late tackle by Virgo. Mullins decided that he would take the law into his own hands and decided to scrap, leaving the ref with no alternative than to send both players off.

Sergei was introduced on 79 minutes as a last roll of the dice, but all of West Ham’s play was coming down the middle. It was predictable and largely easily cut out by the Brighton 9 man defence. For a fleeting moment it looked like Lomas had pulled something out the bag on 85 minutes when his half shot half cross from the right was tipped over.

In desperation Marlon tried a shot from 25 yards out but he was nowhere near with two minutes of normal time left. The final chance to save it came in added time when a failed clearance came to Rebrov, who let fly with a snap shot inside the box which only rose over the bar.

Ominous signs

Teddy shrugged his shoulders when the whistle went, in a way that is possible for a five year old who has not suffered the pain of the last 18 months or so. The fact is that we simply cannot afford to lose games like this if we want to avoid the lottery of the playoffs. It’s all looking ominous as we flounder 8 points behind the leaders with only four games to go to the midpoint of the season. Questions are bound to be asked about the tactical nous of the manager. The game should have been won in the first half, but despite all the domination and probably 15 or more attacks on goal, we actually got only a couple of shots on target.

This all adds increased pressure on the team for the trip to south London next week. We simply have to improve our finishing if we are to get anywhere with that game. I wish everybody a good and safe trip down there – I’ll be following this from afar as I’m off to see my Spanish team Real Sociedad in the Basque derby v Bilbao. After today’s performance, who says that I’ m wrong to take a break, although Sociedad are hardly puling up trees.

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Real Sociedad 3 Athletic Bilbao 2 (21st November 2004)

Roast goat and then a feast of Basque football. I want to see Nihat in a West Ham shirt.

Whoever said that there is no good place to receive bad news is quite wrong. I got some bad news yesterday while tucking into roast goat and drinking a second bottle of rioja in a Basque tavern in the middle of Pamplona.

By the way, how those nutty f*ckers run in those narrow streets with about 6 bulls up their ar*ses is beyond me.

That bad news was of course the defeat at the hands of Millwall. Something, I'm afraid that was entirely expected given our manager's record against teams challenging for automatic promotion or the play-offs. This record is now dismal.

Here’s a few impressions of the beautiful game in Spain, which I have to say I find very impressive indeed.

First, was the Barca v Madrid game (I don't call them Real, because there is only one Real - of which more later). I was in a bar with the boys in the heart of the old town of San Sebastian and to say that the Basques have a visceral hatred of Madrid is an understatement. They made my views on Sp*rs look positively mild. There is history here - Madrid was the team of the Fascist dictator Franco and they've never forgiven him for what he did to the Basque country. Quite right too.

What an absolutely fantastic game of football that was. Technical football of the highest quality. Deco - my long favourite European player and Ronaldinho absolutely ran that game. There is no doubt in my mind that the Madrid era is over. Beckham, Figo, Zidane - they are all yesterday's men. It's over you f*ckers!

Then yesterday night when the real 'Real' took to the pitch in the Basque derby against Bilbao. This is the first time I have been to a match in the Liga and I tell you it was brilliant all round. The only downside was that a ticket was 60 Euros, but given that old man Brown charges somewhere near that, I know what's better value.

Here's some strange things that I encountered at this game:

1. A ticket machine to get in like the one down the tube except it scans your ticket like a supermarket barcode reader;

2. No programmes at all;

3. A full 15 piece brass band amongst the fans;

4. Not one single steward in the entire ground (30,000 people) and no old bill in sight, and certainly no horses;

5. No segregation at all of fans - people with different shirts on sitting together and getting on (maybe this is Basque unity);

6. Flares and fireworks - no searching at all in the way in;

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7. Big screens, but no replays at all on them or even a team sheet;

8. A bloke next to me with two f**king great cymbals that he smashed together throughout;

9. A 9 O'clock Sunday kick off;

10. ...and this you will not believe - a Spanish geezer in a mid 1980's West Ham shirt (Avco on the front);

11. Beer allowed in your seat.

You know what didn't feel different, an indifferent display in the first half which saw Sociedad 0-2 down at half time. I thought it was all over, as I'm so used to seeing West Ham not turn up in the second half. But no, up popped the Turkish magician Nihat to bang in two goals, and then the Bilbao keeper got sent off. Then the third got scored and the place erupted. Going down? There's no chance - and bring on Franco's dirty fake Real, and we'll do them as well.

Real.....Real.....Real!!!

Errrr....see you all at the Boleyn Ground on Saturday.

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West Ham 3 Watford 2 (27th November, 2004)

The Irons stage a major comeback, just like Real Sociedad.

When was the last time you went to two football matches in a week where the home team went two nil down only to emerge victorious 3-2?

Last Sunday, I was at the Real Sociedad v Athletic Bilbao Basque derby, where Real looked dead and buried, yet turned it around. Today, at the Boleyn Ground, the same thing happened again, although to be honest many loyal Irons had given up the ghost half way through the first half.

We had to win this game after two successive defeats, yet this was never going to be a stroll in the park, given Watford’s impressive run without defeat.

Is that white bread for your sandwich?

There were two changes in the West Ham XI that had faced Millwall. Taricco was happily munching a beef sandwich in downtown Buenos Aires and Marlon was sitting out a suspension, meaning that Rebrov and Zamora were brought in. I have to say I was fuming at the outset as I really could not comprehend why Fletch had been put a centre half alongside home debutant Darren Powell. Fletch is undoubtedly a utility player, but he does not look like a central defender to me. Funnily enough he ended up doing a pretty good job there despite his lack of height.

The atmosphere at the ground was really pretty flat. Everybody seemed to have had an enthusiasm bypass and it was clearly a real struggle to even join in for the pre-match anthem of ‘Bubbles’.

The first West Ham player to make a mark was Sergei who threaded through a great pass to Chadders in the very first minute. Luke did everything right and put over a decent looking cross towards the waiting Z-man. However, he made a comical looking header which spooned upwards. Then a minute later, Lomas got the goal in his sights but his overly ambitious 35 yard shot sailed harmlessly over.

Pants down

It was all looking pretty good, but we got caught with our pants down following the first Watford attack on 5 minutes. Darlington sent over a cross from the left which ended up at the feet of Gunnarsson just inside the box. He hammered the ball past Bywater who had absolutely no chance.

West Ham’s response was almost immediate when Matty put over a dangerous cross to find Darren Powell in the six yard box. His diving header was superbly blocked by ‘keeper Lee.

Zamora showed some industry down the left on 11 minutes and had two chances at a cross. The second went dangerously over to the far post, but there was no West Ham player on hand to meet it.

Reo-Coker engineered an opportunity on 18 minutes after he persevered in the box and won a ball. However, he found himself just a little too wide of the goal and his shot was saved well down low.

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Pear-shaped

It then went completely pear-shaped on 20 minutes after Tom allowed a speculative long ball forward to bounce. He seemed to only get half a head on it, allowing Bruce Dyer to latch onto the ball. He hit a powerful rising shot which beat Bywater hands down.

This was too much for the suffering Hammers faithful and Pardew’s managerial career seemed to be hanging by a thread at this point. The Bobby Moore Lower struck up with a chorus of “Are you Roeder in disguise?” and “Harry Redknapp’s claret and blue army.”

Unclean, unclean

Frustration all round spilling over, but let’s face it there’s more chance of Natalie Appleton actually doing a bush tucker trial task than Harry coming back to the East End. It aint gonna happen with Brown at the helm and let’s face it, what manager worth their salt would contemplate joining us while the deadbeat caravan park owner is still got his hairy snout in the trough? The door to the board room at Upton Park has got a dirty great X on it, just like on the front doors to those hovels in the Middle Ages where the occupants were on the edge of death from bubonic plague. Enter at your peril.

Despite this early disaster, Sergei looked determined to try and get us back in the game. On 23 minutes he went on a surging run after an excellent exchange of passes, but he had the ball taken away from him just as he was on the verge of unleashing a shot. Three minutes later he was brought down by Gunnarsson as he was weaving around looking for space on the edge of the box. Sergei himself took the free kick from 20 yards out and Lee couldn’t hold his shot which had evaded the wall. The ball was pushed out towards Reo-Coker who sidefooted home.

Powell levels it

West Ham were immediately buoyed by the goal, and Chadders chased down a ball well on 29 minutes to win a corner down the right. Matty stepped up to send over an excellent swerving ball in which was met like a traditional centre forward by Darren Powell. Lee had no chance as the header went like a bullet into the back of the net. 2-2 and not even half an hour gone.

West Ham won another free kick on 31 minutes and Powell was only inches away from getting his second as Matty’s free kick just eluded his head. Tom also nearly created a goal five minutes later after he had collected a fine pass down the right from Sergei. Unfortunately, Tom’s cross to the far post was chested out of play before a West Ham player could get to it.

Rebrov was now just popping up all over the place and on 39 minutes he made a fantastic run and cut back from the left. His shot was hit with real venom and it only just whistled past the right hand post.

Aside from a booking for Fletch just before the break, that was about it for a rollercoaster first half, which in reality had been largely dominated by West Ham. Watford had two real chances and had converted them both.

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Chadders on the tease

The first chance of the second half fell to Watford on 48 minutes, after a hesitant West Ham defence allowed Dyer to shoot on the edge of the box, but his effort went way over. Then two minutes later, Chadders went on a teasing run down the right, beat a defender and put over a good cross from the dead ball line. Z- man laid this off to Lomas, but he shot wastefully wide when he should have at least hit the target.

On 52 minutes, Sergei had another chance after a free kick had been conceded on the left hand side of the Watford box. He hit a dipping shot, which didn’t come down quickly enough to cause any problems.

Ukrainian league opener

The ball landed on the roof of Bywater’s net on 56 minutes following a free kick, but then a minute later, West Ham completed a fine fight back. Steve Lomas made a great pass out left to find Matty who went down the wing like a rocket. He delivered a perfect low ball across the box which Z-man – thankfully – could not reach. Sliding in at the far post was Sergei who slotted home his first league goal for the club. That was some time coming, but let’s face it, he’s hardly been given a chance, either only playing a bit part role or being stuck out wide when he should be playing centrally.

Bywater was hardly filling the West Ham faithful with confidence as he came and missed a cross on 62 minutes. He seemed to lack confidence today and his kicking in particular was somewhat erratic – on one occasion he just completely miskicked a backpass from Fletch which nearly let Watford in.

Z-man spurns diamond chance

Z-man was presented with a 24 carat opportunity on 64 minutes after Sergei won a tackle and released a pass to Matty. His inch-perfect chip found Z-man who brought the ball down well on his chest but then inexplicably put his shot wide of the post.

A minute later Z-man was presented with another chance after Sergei fed the ball right this time to Chadders. The cross was good but Zamora headed wide at the near post.

As usual at home this season, we then entered a period of high tension for five minutes around the 70 minute mark as Watford came looking for an equaliser. It was that familiar problem of failing to kill off a game, and after an appalling lay off in his own half by Z-man, Helguson nearly scored with a header which Bywater held well and then almost dragged back into his own net.

With ten minutes left, Chadders won a ball in the Watford half and set off on a penetrating run on goal. He was closed down and his weak shot was easily gathered by Lee.

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Sergei everywhere

On 81 minutes, Sergei had another chance with a dead ball situation on the right hand side of the box, but the angle was too acute and he could only find the side netting with his shot. The Ukrainian popped up again a minute later with a great lay off to Matty. He made a trademark run down the wing and delivered a good cross to Chadders whose first shot was blocked. The ball rebounded straight back to him and Lee did well to push his first time volley just around the post.

We tried to play out the remainder of the match, but it was all a bit nervy, with Lomas amongst others electing to hoof the ball rather than play a possession game. We nearly paid the price in the very last minute of normal time, when Helguson headed down a corner and saw the ball bounce up against the left hand upright with Bywater stranded.

Two dimensional

Three points from this game was absolutely essential given the two recent slip ups. It all looked very ugly indeed after 20 minutes but this match seemed to turn on the terrific performance of Rebrov who looked like the international class player he once was. Darren Powell put in a fine home debut as well and if he keeps that up we’ll all be very happy. Fletch did pretty well in an unfamiliar position and both Matty and Chadders made effective contributions. We looked less one dimensional down the left today which meant that the Watford defence was stretched both ways.

The downside, as usual, was the lacklustre display of Z-man and I can conceive of no argument that he should start the next game if Marlon and Sergei are available to play. In fact, I have now lost all confidence in Zamora as a West Ham player and believe that it is time to move him on.

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West Ham 1 Leeds 1 (10th December 2004)

My final game at Upton Park in 2004. Thank f*ck that year’s over.

It’s a somewhat sobering thought that tonight’s match brought together two teams that finished fifth and seventh in the Premiership in the 2001/02 season. £150 million of player sales later, it all seems like a very long time ago.

It might seem a long time ago, but I do remember losing 3-4 at home to Leeds at Upton Park as if it were yesterday. I recall a calamitous first half with that fat Aussie w*nker Veruka latching onto a diabolical back pass. Apologies to Antipodean Irons, but my attitude towards the convict colony is dictated by too many years of the horse-stealing scum larging it in my face at test matches. This forthcoming summer may tell a different story though, and I live in hope that the marsupial-worriers will be seen off.

3 on the bounce?

At the halfway mark of the season, we had a chance tonight to win three games on the bounce and set ourselves up nicely for the Xmas programme. The prospect of being 4 points off the top was motivation enough, but to be honest, the chances of another win was not brilliant, as West Ham under Pardew have had three consecutive wins in the league on only one occasion. That was towards the end of last season when we saw off Coventry, Stoke and Watford in succession.

Anyway, we all turned up in numbers as we always do on nights like this hoping that we would get that third win and Leeds would suffer their third defeat.

Pardew elected to run with the same lineup that had seen off Sunderland away. Nothing wrong with that in principle, although you do wonder whether a more adventurous set up at home should have been considered. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Pardew’s priority always seems to be to approach games like these with a mentality of not losing, rather than going out to win. It was almost as if a target of four points had been set for the Sunderland and Leeds games Call me old fashioned, but I favour a more positive form of football. I couldn’t imagine Sir Trevor leaving Reo-Coker on the bench in preference to Lomas or Fletch

It’s true that we set up with two wide men, but the central midfield just looks too deep to me and it meant that we resorted too much to the long ball to try and find Marlon or Sergei. The Ukranian is knee high to a grasshopper and it is not Marlon’s game – he needs the ball at his feet.

That orange wrist band has magical powers

The first chance of the game came as a result of short run and powerful shot by Sergei on 3 minutes. He wrapped his foot well around the ball, but ex-Yiddo Neil Sullivan made a fine one-handed save. A corner followed and the ball ended up hitting the cross bar, although this was courtesy of the hand of Daren Powell, who looked like he had been bundled over.

Darren Powell was then involved again on 11 minutes, although this time at the other end. For some inexplicable reason he tried a backpass which was nowhere near Bywater, allowing the sprightly 37 year-old Deano to gather the ball. It looked a certain goal, but his curling shot had too much height on it and it clipped the top of the crossbar.

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Powell was at fault again two minutes later, when he chested the ball to Healy rather clumsily in a central position. He hit a first time shot which had Bywater at full stretch, but he managed to keep it out.

Kilgallon in control

The next period saw a lot of long balls down the middle by West Ham, which were very much to the liking of ex-Hammers loanee Mathew Kilgallon. Everything that came that way was won by him with ease.

A good chance came Sergei’s way on 22 minutes when a free kick down the right evaded the Leeds defence. Advancing on goal, the ball ran away from the Ukrainian, although there was more than a suspicion of a foul on him and it looked very similar to an incident which was to result in a different decision later in the game.

The third error of Darren Powell’s first half performance came on 29 minutes, when he allowed the ball to bounce and let Healy pick up the ball. He saw Bywater off his line and tried to embarrass him with a curling lob which somehow missed the goal.

Kilgallon was still running the show at the back, leading ESM Jnr to comment that he had Marlon “in his pocket”.

One of the better exchanges of passes took place between Marlon and Chadders took place on 34 minutes, leaving the latter in some space in the box. However, he failed to jink the ball over Sullivan from the dead ball line.

The ref is a pikey

The closing minutes of the half saw a big shout for a Leeds penalty, as it looked as if Anton had failed to connect with the ball and had brought down a Leeds player. It was difficult to see whether this incident happened inside or outside the box, but ref Mike Pike – an ideal name for a Millwall fan if ever there was one – was uninterested.

Pikey then gave a corner much to the disgust of Matty and the subsequent delivery required Bywater to make a good save down low from the resulting first time shot.

Depression in the East Stand concourse at half time. Quite frankly, we were lucky not to be two goals down to a Leeds team that was happily coping with the long ball down the middle and closing us down at every opportunity. It had to change at half time.

Early breakthrough

The change was made at half time, but not a change motivated by a desire to be adventurous as Sergei was swapped for Teddy. However the change seemed to have paid off as Chadders got the breakthrough goal on 50 minutes. Fletch got the ball out to Matty who put over a perfect ball which was met rather strangely by Marlon. Instead of heading on goal, he headed sideways onto defender and this dropped to the feet of Chadders who couldn’t miss inside the six yard box.

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Deano had a golden opportunity on 55 minutes after Healy went on a run down the left and put over a great cross. Fortunately for us, the veteran striker failed to get his boot on it and slot home.

A sublime drag back by Repka on the touchline on 57 minutes allowed him to put over a good cross, but Marlon’s free header was poor and the ball went harmlessly wide.

Two minutes later, Matty and Marlon combined well and this led to a good ball in from the left, but a defender got in front of Lomas before he could get his foot on it for an almost certain goal.

Chadders took a knock and this led to him being replaced by Reo Coker on 66 minutes.

Teddy is always capable of quality and a lovely pass on 71 minutes set up Lomas who then went bursting through into the box. Unfortunately Kilgallon was on hand again with a last ditch tackle to deny the Northern Irishman.

Control freaks

Marlon was off target again with a header on 78 minutes following another dangerous cross from Matty, and this then led to a passage of play were West Ham attempted to frustrate Leeds with prolonged possession. Every West Ham pass was being cheered and we looked in control

Deano ran out of steam and was replaced by Joachim with ten minutes left on the clock. It should be said that Anton coped with the old pro exceptionally well and that was one of the best games I have seen him play. I would stick with him in central defence.

Just after the change, Reo Coker won a great tackle in midfield and went on one of his trademark runs. He found Tom, but his cross was blocked. Two minutes later the roles were reversed when Tom played a great ball over the top to Reo Coker. Unfortunately his final ball was easily cut out.

With five minutes of ordinary time left, Marlon won a free kick and this led to a ball being delivered into the box with real pace. Teddy got a fine glancing header on it, but Sullivan was able to save this fairly comfortably.

Misplaced optimism

Leeds made a couple of late changes as they tried to find an equaliser. I was actually feeling quite comfortable and Leeds had been pretty poor in the second half, but ESM Jnr was not so sure. Pikey got it wrong twice in a row as he failed to spot a blatant handball by Darren Powell in the 44th minute and then ESM Jnr’s foreboding was proved to be justified as a penalty was given for a clear dive by Healy under a challenge by Lomas.

Bywater was never going to save the spot kick, with Healy celebrating rather unwisely in front of the West Ham fans who showered him with plastic bottles and programmes.

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Yet another game finished where West Ham had failed to capitalise on a goal advantage. Leeds certainly had the better of the first half, but they had hardly threatened in the second. Points going west like this will undoubtedly prove to be costly later on in the season, and it looks very much to me that the best we can hope for is another trip to Cardiff.

As I’m off to South Africa just before Xmas, this was my last game in 2004, a year of further frustration for West Ham fans. Let’s all hope that 2005 brings something better.

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