volume 10 - issue 5 - tuesday, october 4, 2011 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by alexbuckingham They own the school. They don’t teach us, nor do they have a particular interest in what we learn. They care little whether our courses are taught by people or by ma- chine. Shall we assume they have vested in- terest in our education? They give (force) us food notoriously held to low standard and feed themselves with our tuition. Their business should be no business of ours- ed- ucation is a right. It is in their best interest that this university function optimally in the aesthetic and acceptably in all else. We would be crammed in closets if it met the fire code. Let’s stop padding their oversized asses with our faltering incomes and trim the fat. As many of us know, the administration has been appealing to our student body throughout September. We received an email from the provost recently regarding, “keep[ing] student costs affordable, espe- by phoebefooks and caito’hara cially in light of the continuing state of the So there we were, on a Saturday night, The whole nine yards.” your stop... twice. A few times we watched national economy” while balancing wages bored as shit and looking for something to Like a party before the keg has arrived kids get on the bus alone and leave with new and benefits for UVM employees. We had do. People were out and about, the campus or No Country For Old Men, the Drunk Bus friends. “[The Drunk Bus] motivates us to an outlandish article in last week’s Cynic, was alive and we decided we wanted to take ride started out a bit slow. We wanted to have a destination,” explained one, and it titled “The Board of Trustees is there for a bite of this delicious apple of potential talk to crazy insane bros taking shots out seemed it didn’t matter who you came with, Students.” This article explained how “[The joy. And thus the late night bus ride began. of their lax spoons but when we started as long as you left towards something cool. Board] diligently followed what was hap- From the second we stepped onto the cam- asking people where they were going they Hours rolled by and the bus crowd grew pening on campus and took the time to pus bus we realized we were among some responded as if we were undercover RAs. rowdier and raunchier. And thus the Pizza look beyond budget numbers and broad really interesting people. Now that’s not to Eventually some cracked under our inter- Story was delivered, hot n’ fresh: statistics to listen to stories and details and say there wasn’t the usual mix of bros and rogation (it really wasn’t that bad) and told personal experiences.” While the admin- biddies, but there were people who were us they were going to some party or some After saving a box of pizza that nearly istration and board of trustees push their willing to sit and shoot the experienced a deadly crash agenda, it is imperative we ask what exactly shit; there were many, and with the floor, I was offered it means to be ‘there for Students.’ they were some cool-ass- a slice. The almost-accident Let’s start with the board of trustees. Did motherfuckers. was caused by the very dan- the board of trustees want to act to end We were riding the gerous combination of grav- UVM’s Kake Walk? Did they want UVM “Drunk Bus”. We were at ity and a group of intoxicated to join the international movement and di- the crossroads of possibly females. Otherwise referred to vest from South Africa’s Apartheid regime? every social event on and as “drunk biddies”, these girls Did they want UVM to mandate diversity off campus. The paths of offered me the pizza with only requirements? How about challenging the partiers, studiers, sleepers, eaters, and dub- friend of a friend’s dorm. A lot of dudes in one catch… or crotch, I should say. I had to firing of professors in 2009? The answer to step jammers all intersected on the very polos and girls in yoga pants said they were eat the pizza in a position that was enter- all of these questions is flatly no; it was the bus that we wound up riding from 11pm to going to the “Classy Bros and Yoga Hoes” taining enough for them to post a picture of UVM students and faculty that forced all 3am on Saturday night. During those brief party; freshmen were asking where the me doing it on Facebook. The moral of that of these changes. The suggestion that the moments of social overlap we ate pizza “Yoga House” was. story is to hope that this would be my first board of trustees “is there for students” from a drunk girl’s lap, met the man with On the other hand, a lot of bus rid- and last time giving a “pizza bj”. holds ground only in the clouds where our the sexiest name on campus, and learned ers didn’t know where they were going. ~Phoebe Fooks administrators’ heads seem to have drifted. the meaning of life from an unsuspecting Yea, some probably said this because they The administration claim to toil daily biddy. On the Drunk Bus, it doesn’t matter thought we were losers doing sociology Not everyone on the bus was quite as providing quality, affordable education to whether you’ve been here for one month homework, but there were other people inebriated as the girls who asked Phoebe its students with just compensation to its or two years, you can make friends with who sat and chilled with us for a good 30 to lapmunch their pizza. The man with the employees. Comic understanding drifts anyone and anything can happen. As Pizza minutes of their night. This may not seem sexiest name on campus joined us at the through the student body when the... Crotch explained to us, “[On the Drunk like a lot of time, but to have been on the Bus] we slap each other, make out and shit. bus for 30 minutes means you have missed ... read the rest on page 4 ... read the rest on page 5

adolescent artillery everyone’s naked the hardcore guy guide to uvm diets by sarahperda by robintucker by joshhegarty by adrikopp For those of you who don’t know, al-Shabab is one of Af- operation, was so damn impressed by the contest’s success rica’s most feared militant groups that branched from the that he proudly shouted to the heavens, “Children should Islamic Court Union. They control most of southern So- use one hand for education and the other for a gun to de- malia and have been preventing the country from instating fend Islam!” What wise words to live by. a functional, central government since 2006 when it first Do I have a resolute solution to Somalia’s current gov- went into transition. The group has supposedly been af- ernmental crisis? Of course not, though my wit and world- filiated with al-Qaeda since 2007, however the only visible liness may imply otherwise, I am nowhere near that intelli- by sarahperda connections seem to be ideological; although the claim is gent. I do, however, have some pearls of wisdom on where The Scripps National Spelling Bee is an annual contest weak, the United States added al-Shabab to its list of for- to begin solving it: stop handing out firearms like they’re held in Washington, D.C. in which American children spell eign terrorist organizations in 2008. The Shabab is trying Happy Meal toys and start consolidating the shaky govern- the most obscure and fundamentally useless words in or- to revert Somalia back to a seventh-century-esque Islamic ment so it can band together and stop the Shabab’s insan- der to obtain zillions of dollars worth of savings bonds and state by advocating their “pure Islamic principles” which ity. The Shabab is geographically divided into three divi- reference books to proliferate their already unnatural intel- include, but are not limited to: public terrorization, per- sions that operate independently of each other, and, more lectual capacity. Somalia’s latest and greatest Islamic mili- petuating the current famine by refusing aid, stoning and often than not, there is noticeable friction between them. tant group, al-Shabab, watched the latest winner, Sukanya banning activities such as soccer, television and bra-wear- Because the group is not centralized or monolithic by any Roy, spell his way to victory with the word “cymotrichous” ing (yes, you read that right. Bras are currently banned in means, al-Shabab can perhaps be defeated by a “divide- (which means “having wavy hair” for all you simpletons) Somalia). In a nutshell: they suck. Big time. and-conquer” strategy. If the Somalian government can and decided to create a similar contest. In homage to Somalia has one of the lowest schooling rates worldwide; unite and drive a wedge between these factions, the Shabab themselves, al-Shabab’s radio station held a children’s con- in this war-torn country, children generally learn how to will cease to have this unparalleled power and, with any test that asked the participants to recite the Koran and be operate a rifle before they can spell their own name. With luck, ultimately become obsolete. While this ideal may not fluent in Shabab fun facts—think “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” this contest, the Shabab struck the happy medium between be attainable for several more decades, stopping the Sha- meets “Jeopardy,” Somalian style. Rather than motivate promoting education and weapon wielding by awarding bab starts with a unified Somalian government acknowl- these budding scholars with cash prizes that could be used assault rifles, Islamic books and money to the top two edging and amending the corruption this militant group with emilyhoogesteger and julietcritsimilios for education, food, or a one way ticket out of the country, Koran rhetoricians while the third place competitor was has instilled in their youth. Until this is achieved, Somalia’s Kidnapping Old Ladies: An elderly French woman was Greece: Europe’s been flipping shit for weeks over what the Shabab decided to reward them with something much merely awarded two live hand grenades. Sheik Muktar future only spells out one word: C-H-A-O-S. g See this week’s kidnapped from her home in Kenya this week by no less will happen to the Eurozone if Greece defaults on its more practical: AK-47’s and hand grenades. Robow Abu Monsur, one of the masterminds behind this letter to the editor than “ten heavily-armed Somali bandits”. The abductors debts. Emergency meetings have been happening left then took some plot advice from an action movie and and right, and the continent is nothing but stress and dire in Tunes on page 8! raced to towards the Somalian border in a speedboat predictions. Greece, meanwhile, is busy defaulting on its with their hostage, all while being pursued by Kenyan debts. Get your shit together, guys. Germany’s pissed. -the wt editorzzz police. Here’s a tip, guys: if you’re a band of violent crimi- by jamesaglio nals with weapons, and you want to do something violent Richland School District: This Western Pennsylvania The riotous protests in Syria and ians. A large number of military and and criminal, ganging up ten-to-one on a little old lady school district recently cancelled its high school pro- the corresponding use of excessive police have been killed or injured in on holiday is probably not going to impress your bandit duction of the play Kismet because the show - which is force by the Syrian government began recent weeks, showing an escalation friends all that much. loosely based on Arabian Nights - has Muslim charac- more than six months ago, and things in the conflict. with patrickleene ters. Richland claims that because their school district have not really gotten to a point where The conflict may have just entered Kate Middleton: Anna Wintour is begging to get Prin- lies in an area of Pennsylvania that United Flight 93 flew it looks like they will end. Casualty a new level this past week as pro-gov- cess Kate on the cover of Vogue because literally every over before it crashed, the play might upset some people, estimates for the conflict claim that ernment forces attacked U.S. ambas- magazine in the world has interviewed her. The reason and the students should be protected from controversy. almost 3000 people have died. That sador to Syria Robert Ford. Ford, in Sometimes reading the water tower makes our why this is still a phenomenon/journalism-worthy re- Bigotry, on the other hand, appears to be completely number is higher than the casualties line with the stance of the U.S. Gov- readers want to get naked and fight the power. But mains a mystery to all people with brains. school-appropriate. of some wars, wars like Grenada for ernment, has decried the use of exces- most of the time, they just send emails. Send your instance, but still. A precise estimate sive force to end the protests, and has thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to Southwest Airlines: With a history of being douchey MTV: Another - yes, another - season of The Real World is impossible to confirm because the thus been labeled as anti-government to their patrons, Southwest recently kicked off a lesbian premiered this week to remind us all that in the actual Syrian government has closed off by some pro-government activists. [email protected] couple from one of their flights for kissing. Apparently real world when you go on an interview you’re not going huge swathes of the country to foreign Ford was not injured in the attacks, everyone on Southwest airlines has to be a bigoted as to get hired when you say you love to get totally blackout journalists. On the whole, the martial but demonstrators did destroy U.S. people in some southwest states. Hooray America! and start drama with every person around you on days law thing, claimed to be for the safety embassy vehicles and attempt to that end in “y”. of the people, has a very suspicious break into the office where Ford was The Yankees: I went all the way to Boston last weekend odor to it. meeting. Because no serious harm oc- the water tower. and you put in Scott Proctor to pitch and he gave up a Adding to the confusion are the curred, the U.S. government has only uvm’s alternative newsmag three run homer. Come on. conflicting reports from different demanded that the Syrian govern- uvm.edu/~watertwr sides of the conflict. For example, in ment compensate for the destruction ______Editorial Staff the city of Al-Rastan, the LCC, or of property. However, if the situation Editors-in-Chief Local Coordinating Committee, an continues to worsen, it is quite fore- Megan Kelley opposition group, has detailed what seeable that the conflict may escalate Dan Suder with paulgross they are calling humanitarian issues to an actual war, especially with so News Editor such as shortages of victuals as well many similar situations occurring Paul Gross “It may require our military in Mexico.” as medical supplies after raids by the nearby in this Arab Spring. Syria was government. They have also criticized one of the later countries in which Reflections Editor Liz Cantrell -Rick Perry. On how we’re gonna solve the Mexican drug cartel the government for shelling nearby protests started, which is why it is problem. He legit wants to invade Mexico. I think his campaign bridges and dams to rather than giv- only now appearing to reach the boil- Campus Editor slogan is gonna be “America—Fuck Yeah!” ing aid to the people. ing point when so many others did George Loftus However, the government is refer- months ago. Years from now, this past Fashion Editor ring to Al-Rastan as one of the worst year in the Middle East could very Colby Nixon “NATO, in particular, is bombing at random “We are not anarchists. We are not hooligans. areas for violence, where armed ter- well be a major historical event, and rorist groups are running free attack- is always worth watching as it is con- redstone, v. and redstoned, adj. Créatif Stuffé Editor and is often hitting civilian buildings.” I am a 48-year-old man.” ing both law enforcement and civil- stantly shifing.g Josh Hegarty 1. The act of getting baked on campus. -Ali, an anonymous Libyan living in the city of Sirte, discussing -Robert Cammiso, an “Occupy Wall Street” protester, on the re- 2. The effects thereof. Tunes Editor Sarah Moylan the crisis occurring in that city—Gaddafi’s hometown. Apparently, cent arrests of over 700 people involved in the anti-corporate greed advertisement it’s not only Gaddafi’s troops that are causing trouble, and Western protests that started in New York City and are beginning to sweep Humor Editor powers are, as always, doing an awesome job winning hearts and the nation, Slutwalk style. The NYC police finally decided that these Greg Jacobs minds. protests were so annoying they had to arrest people for no reason. Managing Editor So much for the right to assemble peacibly. Laura Dillon Wash Spot Laundry Copy Editor “This country is a business.” OPEN 24 HOURS / 7 DAYS Jen Kaulius 207 Riverside Ave. Burlington ______Staff Writers -A tweet from (surprisingly attractive Thai Prime Minister) Yingluck Shinawatra’s Twitter. Of James Aglio course, Ms. Shinawatra didn’t tweet this herself, her Twitter account was hacked by anti-govern- (next to Newton’s carwash) Caleb Demers ment protesters who view her to be an advocate for the rich and unconcerned with the struggles Ben Donovan Greg Francese of the country’s rural poor. A pretty cool stunt, to say the least. Jonathan Franqui Lindsay Gabel Emily Hoogesteger the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. STUDENT MATCHING Robin Tucker Any amount you add to your wash card over $20 we match dollar for dollar!! ______Art Staff contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a crossroads. To the right (simply email the last 7 digits on back of washcard - lower righthand corner) Art Editor Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists are the perilous cliffs of punditry and pessimism. To Kitty Faraji [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome the left is the desolate wasteland of apathy and igno- Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings rance. We choose neither. Instead, we brave the trail Art Staff [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm of truth. With sincerity and humor, we strive to make Accepting Cash + Credit cards Katie Gagliardo Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Chittenden Bank Room you reexamine, investigate, question, learn, and maybe Free Wifi Lauryn Schrom [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor pee your pants along the way. We are the reason peo- www.thewashspot.com ______Special Thanks To Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email ple can’t wait for Tuesday. We are the water tower. Wash / Dry / Fold service UVM Art Department Digital Lab Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr email: [email protected] institution, they provide consistency and administration wants to scapegoat them as then claim there isn’t enough to go around, STAND -continued from page 1 vitality to the community- could you pick a drain on our school’s resources. As Philip but the UA is clear that they are not ask- any of our vice presidents out of a line up? Baruth, UVM professor and state Sentator, ing for tuition hikes- in fact, they are ask- affordability of this public, state university Regardless, non-unionized faculty is deal- said at the UE rally on August 31st, “There ing for smaller class sizes, and overall are is brought up. Under Fogel, tuition rose by ing with a wage freeze, unionized faculty is is a deliberate attempt to increase the gap on the same side as the students. We need $12,000. As tuition and incoming classes facing the potential of a wage freeze, and between the highest paid workers and the cuts from the top of the pyramid, not on have increased, UVM has made more and the attacks being mounted on retiree ben- lowest paid workers. That’s what is wrong the bottom, and not our pockets. more money. However, instead of spending efits are astounding. For instance, the uni- with America and that’s what is now hap- It is clear the staff, faculty, and stu- this on education, expenditures on educa- versity wants all new hires to pay 100% of pening here.” dents share interests that are at odds with tion dropped by 5%. The administration their retiree healthcare costs. Our univer- Meanwhile, tuition sees a steady increase the administration and board of trustees. meeting. it, the walk from Trinity to pretty much anywhere puts DRUNK BUS -continued from page 1 has consistently spent our money on them- sity is seemingly refusing to reward those every year, our class sizes continue to in- Hence, a united front is needed: Students, At end of the night we were the last to depart, leaving Fogel’s package to shame. Those kids rely on the bus the selves. The absurd bonuses a few years back willing to devote a lifetime career here. It’s flate, and class varieties seem to shrink. Faculty, and Staff in unison. Our Faculty behind none but a very confused bus driver. In our weary way stoners rely on late night Grundle. So the next time provide an older example of ‘just compen- Trinity stop. His name was Jean-Noël, ladies, and his night not just the faculty, though; the staff also Forced triples, poorer food options, and is organized, our maintenance and janito- arms we held piles of crumpled scribbled notes stained you, yes, you, are walking down College Street at 2 am, sation’, but fresh in everybody’s mind is faces these cuts. smaller financial aid packages cannot sat- rial workers are organized, and our other was just getting started. We told him if he was trying to get red with pizza sauce and littered with messages and phone and shout “IT’S THE DRUNK BUSSS!!!!” think about all the Fogel fiasco: $400,000 to do nothing laid that night he wouldn’t have to go far past introducing University employees earning 30 to 40 isfy the bloated administration- our faculty, staff is organizing. Now, it is time for the numbers (score!) in foreign handwritings. “I’m a bus be- the fan-fuckin-tastic times you had on the bus when your for a year, with a promise to come back as thousand a year doing backbreaking labor staff, and students must all be wrung dry. students to follow suit. Come to Lafayette himself. Jean-Noël and his friends left the bus hootin’ and liever,” said our final interviewee as she gazed out her win- sober friends didn’t have a car either.g the highest paid professor in the humani- hollerin’ louder than the editorial staff at a water tower simply cannot be expected to pay 100% of United Academics (UA) and United 300 Thursdays at 6:00 pm to participate in dow at the cold and lonely path back to Trinity. Let’s face ties ($195,000). Our University also spent their health care in retirement while main- Electrical Radio and Machine Workers of organizing the fight back against attacks on a quarter of a million dollars on his house taining a livable wage now. Our mainte- America (UE) are both at impasse with students and UVM employees. The people (while keeping no ownership of the invest- nance workers, grounds keepers, and jani- UVM over contract negotiations. While the teaching you Spanish, cutting the lawn, ment). This raises the essential question: torial staff keep EVERYTHING running administration has tried, and will continue picking up your trash, cleaning your bath- but… why? here. They make it possible for us to get to to try, to blame these workers for financial room, and sitting next to you in class need And in the middle of all of this, the ad- classes in the winter. They make our build- issues at our university whilst portraying your help now. ministration attacks the faculty and staff as ings warm and our water run. Ever seen themselves as the reasonable negotiators, United, we can see UVM be the school sources of stress on the university finances. your dean plunge a toilet (or dispose of a we should expose the truth. They spend we want it to be. g Bullshit! The faculty is the heart of this misplaced urinal on a Trinity green)? The more and more money on themselves, and

by jamiebeckett I woke up to a beautiful Sunday. Later, I took a shower and grabbed some friends and dodged my attempts to brush them away and bit any skin that happened to be exposed. by gregjacobs had late Sunday brunch at Redstone and planned an adventure to celebrate life. We de- I vowed to crush any mosquito that was bold enough to land on me. Hundreds were laid Sometimes buildings get to me. They loom over me, with miles of trails in Centennial Woods or Red Rocks Park. Club, which is exclusively white-water paddling. They cided to walk to the Intervale and chill on the Winooski. The walk was pleasurable, the to waste that day as my hands turned black and red from their crumbled, mangled bod- straight lines and perfect curves, things built by men and You can often find me wandering around either of these, will teach you how to fit yourself to a boat, exit under wa- pace slow, and laughter filled the air as the sun warmed our necks. However, lurking in the ies, some of them bursting with my own blood as I struck them down. For ten minutes, I women who attempt to impose order on the world. But I enjoying the sunlight and talking to the trees (yeah, I said ter, do a combat roll, and generally be awesome. Then, drudges of this eternally happy day was a mosquito infested hellhole just waiting to fuck fought my way to the shore of the Winooski as the fellowship labored through Moria only guess it aint just the buildings, people can overwhelm me talking to them; they’re actually very conversational if you for forty bucks a year, you can get out on a river and test over my tranquility. to momentarily enjoy the view before a dignified withdrawal. On the way out, two older too. People are loud, and they look funny. Not that I am know how to listen). Red Rocks also has the added benefit your new skillz while the trained instructors give you tips We passed our first little farm, with its diverse gardens and earthy smell just as the bugs ladies, the epitome of dainty and fragile, walked their mini toy dogs straight towards the antisocial by any stretch of the imagination; the pictures of providing some adventure in the form of cliff jumping and keep you safe in the water. Come to a pool session on plotted their attack. On the dirt road, we passed standing water, prime real estate for these war zone. My man senses tingled and I knew this was my moment to be their boy scout of the keg stand I did this weekend prove it. Sometimes on nicer days. Fair warning; I would recommend against Sundays from 8-10pm and Tuesdays from 9:30-10:45PM fun-sucking fiends. Each puddle was infested with thousands of the dirty blood sucking in the busy road. “Stop, you don’t want to do this to yourself”. At this point, I exposed though, you need to remind yourself of who you are, and the 76 footer. I’ve done it once and, despite being a very in the gym. There are many more outdoorsy clubs and ac- bastards. At first, the mosquitos were merely irksome, definitely manageable, and so we my battle wounds and I warned them of what lay ahead. That day, I suffered the pain of a that’s damn hard when you’re staring at your computer. experienced jumper, I probably won’t be doing it again tivities around campus for a variety of interests, but these trudged on determined to reach the banks of the Winooski. Then, as the swarm grew thousand proboscises (probosci?), but the pain was bearable if it meant two grannies were So what do I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed? I move unless there’s someone I am trying to impress. are the only ones I can really comment on. heavier over our heads, a woman came from around the bend. She was going so fast she prevented from the numerous bites and potential malaria. and I get outside, stat. Getting outdoors is something that If you’re looking for more adventure, I can recommend As Thoreau once sagely said “In wilderness is the pres- could only spare a few ominous words, “It only gets worse from here”. I didn’t grasp the If this adventure has taught me anything about life, it is that mosquitos are useless flying everyone needs to do in order to appreciate the wonder two clubs that I have experience with. The Outing Club ervation of the world”, and while I normally don’t give two magnitude of what she was saying at first but this stranger tried to prevent the massacre dick heads whose only purpose is to be a parasitic douchebag. They ruin beautiful after- of the natural world and learn more about themselves. over on Colchester Ave provides us with a great chance fucks what Thoreau thought, in this case he got it right. that followed. Not a minute later, we reached a field that marked the disastrous manifes- noons and leave behind an itching sensation that sucks. For all mosquitoes, I award you g Thankfully, I chose a school where that’s not only an op- to try new things. They put out trips almost every week- I highly encourage, no, I command you to get yourself tation of this kind stranger’s warning. A cloud of mosquitos formed around me. They the most annoying pest on the planet award and a big fat “Fuck you”. tion, it’s stupidly easy. Outdoor activities are bountiful end, some of which include sea kayaking, backpacking, outdoors and breathe a little non-campus air; who knows here at UVM, and there is something to interest literally snowshoeing, and rock climbing. Signing up for a trip is a what you’ll find.g anyone. bit of a pain, but the club also rents equipment for cheap, If you need some alone time, try taking a walk on the so you can go do your own thang! There’s also the Kayak

by lauragreenwood by robintucker It seems mind boggling that a “city” know you weren’t talking about some beau- of Burlington’s size could accommodate tiful light fixture) was the hottest place to Last Tuesday, in typical Tuesday morn- all types of people, but each day through be on a Tuesday night. Higher Ground and ing fashion, I found myself racking my some unknown power, Burlington is able Nectar’s are local venues for bands where brain for something to write my article to roll up all its residents’ interests into a you only have to know all the words to one about while I walk to class. The usual topic big fat burrito of greatness for all to enjoy. song to be their biggest fan. pools come to mind: Campus food, week- Concerts, rallies, trips, and raffles all riddle The last group up for discussion is the end party scene, freshmen. I think about the streets just waiting to be loved by the extreme sports type. These people are the writing a student code of conduct (“I will people of this eclectic place. Burlington reason Eastern Mountain Sports exists and not wear my CatCard on a lanyard around may be thought of as a trifecta of weird- the reason I shy away from hiking trips. Yes my neck…”). I think about writing a let- unique dom, with three categories of inter- they will beat you up the mountain by a ter to Facebook (“Dear FB, it’s been a good est that most Burlingtonians share: a love of couple hours, yes they will spend those ex- run, but recently you have become superfi- the 60s, vague obscure music, and extreme tra hours at the top doing sun salutations, cial—you’re always changing your person- outdoor sports. and yes they will go back down and moun- ality just to get attention. Our relationship Let me begin by clarifying this trifecta tain bike up to the top again before you’ve status has become ‘complicated’ at best…”). population. First, you have your classic crawled to the summit. Some call them I decide I’ll do a “Top 5” of Facebook per- land loving hippies. These are the people enthusiasts, I call them freaks of nature sonas, and I start a mental list (“Belliger- on Church street who sport their Outdoor who have obviously been gifted by a god ent party picture queen,” “Has a profile but Gear Exchange outfits and can be caught who lives deep in the boonies of Northern that’s about it…”), but then something stops smoking hookahs all over campus. If you Maine. These people will buy a Triple Ma- my train of thought. I pick up the new wa- really don’t know who I’m referring to, jor pass and disappear for the entire winter ter tower and I start reading. That’s when observe The Hempest downtown, or look season, never to appear again until their I remember: everyone’s naked under their for dreds and dog-eared copies of Walden. long boards can be mounted. clothes. Despite the Summer of Love being 50 years With all these interests and characters Let me explain. A decent portion of ago, these people still feel passionate about swirling around, Burlington succeeds in articles each week can be found making the power of beauty, love, peace, and psy- creating events to entice all. The Nor’Easter humor of the different sorts of students chedelics. Their love for the environment festival that happened September 23rd to we see around campus, or what someone’s is also what has popularized projects like the 25th is a great example of the “epic in- mode of transportation says about their Common Ground and Eco-Ware. terest trifecta burrito.” It featured recycling, eating habits, etc. And while these obser- Next, you have your “oh so uncommon rock climbing, bike racing, local food, lo- vations are usually entertaining and comi- but recently biggest trending indie, oh cal music, bigger name bands (unless you cal, breaking our fellow peers down into you’ve never heard of them?” hipsters. They aren’t a hipster, in which case every band categories can at times be harmful (and, us. And here’s what I came up with: Ev- share a common interest in memorizing was unheard of), and, the great uniter of all let’s face it, get old). So, why am I talking eryone’s naked under their clothes. So my the Top 40 List, only so they can avoid lis- groups: freebies. In terms of regular events about being naked? (Besides the fact that challenge to you this week is to think of the tening to it, and analyzing how Radiohead’s that cater to Burlington’s diverse popula- I go to UVM and we love that shit). Well, ways that we are all the same, instead of the In Rainbows album blends seamlessly into tion, there’s a farmer’s market every week, strictly on campus or stumbling the same random events happening here that instead of dividing up my friends by their ways that we are all different—you might OK Computer. Lucky for these jammers, bars with live music almost every night, party route, stop and look at the bulletin can interest every bro, activist, and Facebook profile, or splitting up my class- be surprised by what you come up with Burlington offers obscure music at its best. and even UVM events that are all about boards around campus. Remember that foreigner alike. So get out and start mates by the type of water bottle they use, (i.e. Everyone poops! But we don’t want to Pretty Lights (in a room of a hundred non- jamming as you plant a tree parkour style. not every college has Burlington in their experiencing all the quirks Burling- I decided to find a middle ground between think about that…) g Burlingtonians, less than a quarter would For those who spend their weekends backyards. There are endless amounts of ton has to offer.g by lizcantrell Aries: March 21-April 19 You get caught whistling near a Top Cats rehearsal The stars have aligned in your favor this month. An- Leo: July 23-August 22 and are fined $50 by Rally Cat, who spends his free ticipate a slew of social invitations, and pay attention to The House of Pluto packs a punch this month. You’re time patrolling campus to make sure no one interferes by shannonward one from “Bob” in particular. hit with one unlucky situation after the next. Don’t lose with those melodious Cats’ steeze. Shame on you. hope, young Lion, for your namesake (Leo DiCaprio) Taurus: April 20-May 20 will guide you. Capricorn: December 22-January 19 The Ben and Jerry’s Vermonster is a 20-scoop pail of ice dumbass wants the one with the chocolate covered potato napkins, you wear your the ice cream dripping down your Resist the urge to adopt a new plant. For one, you So you’ve got a huge zoologoy exam? Blow off study- cream, whipped cream, hot fudge, candy, nuts, cookies, chips (who invited him?) you are going to be left with the chin as a battle scar, and diluting the ice cream by drink- definitely don’t have a green thumb, but more impor- Virgo: August 23-September 22 ing and just watch two of Samuel L. Jackson’s cinematic bananas, and brownies; the sordid embodiment of the Herculean task of forcing down a lumpy combination of ing water is for weaklings. You are no weakling. Then you tantly, letting the new specimen perish may prophesize You’ve been hitting the party scene hard. But not masterpieces; Snakes on a Plane and Deep Blue Sea. phrase “too much of a good thing”. There is more sugar all of them that looks eerily like the vomit you are barely remember that you still have a side container of hot fudge the trajectory of your current relationship. hard enough. What do you think this is, amateur crammed into that bucket than there are creepy old men holding down. Really, no matter what combo you choose and you almost lose it. But you take a deep breath, and hour?! This is college. The stars suggest you (don’t) get Aquarius: January 20-Feburary 18 at a Justin Bieber concert. (I’m assuming there are quite a is going to end up horrible, but I think that the least horri- you pour it in. This is America. The land of consumption. Gemini: May 21- June 20 your shit together or get out. Near the 18th, you will reconnect with an old col- lot of these). ble option is to choose a lot of chocolately/vanilla type fla- And you are consuming an appalling amount. Be proud Congratulations, you lucky Gem, you. The celestial league, but his/her preoccupation with a bag of Chee- Ok, Ben & Jerry’s. Challenge accepted. vors like New York Super Fudge Chunk, Chocolate Chip of your country. You will never feel more patriotic then order showers you with good fortune…cookies. Like Libra: September 23-October 22 tos next to your table may prevent the two of you from Every Burlington student must have a Vermonster Cookie Dough, Phish Food, etc. Steer clear of the fruity when you’re eating a basin full of calories. Remember that hundreds. Falling from the sky. Probably at the speed Best birthday wishes to all the Libras out there. The truly vibing. Bummer. at least once during his or her college career. When your ones. They don’t mesh well. As for the toppings? You can’t as your ice cream headache threatens to undo you. at which freshmen drop out of 8:30s. benevolent heavens grace you with your best birthday time comes to face the beast you need to be prepared. Be go wrong here. Just get ‘em all! Although gummy worms In the days following your brush with early onset diabe- yet and one kick ass carrot cake. Huzzah! Pisces: February 19- March 20 sure you have no less, I repeat, NO LESS than FOUR com- are kind of weird. tes, you will think back on the Vermonster with a tender Cancer: June 21-July 22 You will receive an unexpected, but not entirely un- panions to assist you. You can try with less but you will Once you have diplomatically chosen your flavors and nostalgia. You will remember those first few bites, your Crab, you’ve got a tough choice to make. You must Scorpio: October 23-November 21 welcome, visitor within a fortnight. While the heavens not succeed, and if you do then that doesn’t give you brag- toppings (get hot fudge on the side. You do NOT want to spoon slipping easily through the whipped cream, break- summon all your powers of judgment and carefully Oh Scorpio, will you ever learn? You can’t sit around cannot say for certain, this guest will likely be some- ging rights, it’s just disgusting. speed up the melting process) it is time for battle. The Ver- ing through the heavenly layer of cookies and fudge, and weigh each side, for one misstep could lead you down waiting for things to unfold! Make like the Venus fly- one significant from your past. Or a stray cat. Or a re- You and your warriors will need to choose your monster is a master of trickery. Just as the sirens’ beautiful forgetting how rapidly it became the seventh layer of Hell. a path of irreconcilable disaster. Press lavender petals trap, stick your neck out, and go after what you want! ally drunk Mariah Carey impersonating a stray cat. If flavors carefully. The Vermonster consists of five flavors music lulled Odysseus’ men into danger, the Vermonster You will be tempted, against your better judgment, to face to your temples in order to facilitate good decision- you’re lucky, you get all three in one night. g of ice cream, four scoops of each. If there are five of you will weaken your guard by making the first few bites over- the Vermonster again. My advice? Go for it! You’re young. making. Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 it seems perfect. Everyone chooses whatever flavor they poweringly delicious. You will laugh with relief, relax a lit- This is your time to eat absolute shit and rebound (rela- want, and everyone’s happy, right? Wrong. Remember, all tle, start to eat faster, and then the Vermonster will strike. tively) quickly. Take advantage of your youth and do hor- of these flavors are going into the same pail, and as you dig Each bite becomes a struggle as the sugar occupies your rible things to your body! You won’t regret it. your way to the bottom they all melt together into a sick- brain. Your head pounds but you must keep going. You Actually, you probably will. g ening, soupy glob. If one friend wants Cherry Garcia, an- see your fellows around you collapsing, writhing, clutch- other Chunky Monkey, another Pistachio, and some other ing their stomachs, but you stay strong. You don’t use

by tylermiles

Now that we have all calmed down from that crazy he can start every game of the postseason for us. That’s a victory parade through downtown Philly celebrating their ending to the regular season (as a Yankees fan I just feel solid strategy, right?” World Series victory. Chase Utley already bent all the flags an unhealthy amount of schadenfreude towards Red Sox on the World Series trophy to make a crude cup to drink fans everywhere) it is time to get realistic about the chanc- The Texas Rangers champagne out of. es of these eight teams vying to hoist the least cool look- The Rangers can’t win because they aren’t in the mlb play- ing trophy in professional sports (rule of thumb; if you offs, and they aren’t even based in Texas, they’re the sec- The Arizona Diamondbacks can’t drink champagne out of a championship trophy, it’s ond worst hockey in the tri-state area, (lol Islanders) (sad Wtf, Arizona has a baseball team? a crappy trophy) reflective moment on how far the Devils have fallen re- cently) (moment of silence for the now defunct Hartford The Milwaukee Brewers The New York Yankees Whalers (not technically in the nyc tri-state metropolitan Watching the Brewers lose in the first round of the play- Likely to be competitive, but their downfall will be the fact area, but close enough) who now only live on in the ap- offs will provide the good people of Milwaukee a great that they can’t pay their opponents to not shell the crap parel worn by retro rockin’ hockey bros). excuse to smash storefront windows and set cars ablaze out their starting pitchers not named CC Sabathia. which will play perfectly into that huge insurance fraud The Tampa Bay Rays scam they’ve been planning to make enough money to by juliendarmoni The Detroit Tigers They are coming off a miraculous come from behind vic- move out of Wisconsin to somewhere with better cheese The Tiger’s chances rely heavily on the arm of their ace tory on the last day of the season to eek into the playoffs (you should be able to guess where). Justin Verlander, the certain selection for the AL Cy in the most dramatic fashion possible, making everyone Despite the turgid weather, last Saturday was a lot. There were some participants who had Young Award. Manager Jim Leyland has said that the forget that nobody on their team can hit a lick (.244 team The St. Louis Cardinals a good one for scores of women’s rights activists, overcome their trauma, others still devastated whole team has participated in ceremonies involving sac- batting average). Just happy to be in the playoffs, the Phillies are literally who commandeered the streets of downtown by it, and the grim statistical promise of future rifices to Tlaloc, the Aztec god of rain, water and fertility. going to knock the Cardinal’s players down and kick dirt Burlington to participate in the newly formed sexual abuse (18% of women will be victims of Leyland explained, “Ideally we’ll have Justin start the first The Philadelphia Phillies in their face and make them eat icky bugs. And then beat protest rally, the SlutWalk. attempted sexual assault) loomed large, even to game, then have three or four days of rain, and so on, so The Phillies are so confident that they have already had a them at the game of baseball. g The marches were organized in response to members within our defiantly vigilant protec- the suggestion by Toronto policeman Michael torate. Perhaps most prominently, there was in Sanguinetti that women “should avoid dress- all of us a sense of collective dissatisfaction with with a giant megaphone and swallowing Most importantly, it was fun. I defy anyone from a reluctance to deal with problems of liberation combatively; by reevaluating the ing like sluts” to avoid provoking sexual assault. the state of modernity. fence-sitting spectators until our group grew to come up with a more heartening solution we’ve subconsciously accepted as normative negative stigmas associated with body image Sanguinettie, who was addressing a class of col- But it wasn’t all doom and gloom; there were into a rowdy melange of rioteer and citizen. to sexual harassment than traipsing around (or at least, sufficiently resolved). The abra- and exploding them. And like the naked bike lege students at the time, prompted economy- jokes, too. Though the SlutWalk may have its Most of us were dressed pretty slutty, too. a rainy city with nothing but the most essen- sive nature of the event then was meant as ride, there’s something rejuvenating about sized criticism for his flippant remarks, and in- heart rooted in sobriety, it was still powerfully “Show me what Democracy looks like” tial vestments (and in some cases, not even a way of combatting the social dormancy dismissing long-held tensions, letting go and spired in part both the namesake and the central vitalizing. Those women were not there to pas- she yelled, to which we replied: “this is those). Dejection popped up now and again second-wave feminism has been relegated embracing your authentic form-skivvies not- conceit of the rally; to take back the word “slut” sively bemoan their misfortune; they were there what Democracy looks like!”-delivered of (as it always will in bleak moments), but it to and reinitiating the cultural conversation withstanding. and denounce the mentality that provocatively to actively defy it. And damn if shit didn’t get course, in jumbo-sized decibels. “Damn,” was never allowed time to settle, as there was regarding gender inequality. Hence the vol- Indeed, It was powerful as ever a rally dressed women openly invite sexual assault. subversive. I don’t know where they found the she cracked, “democracy looks good, today”. always another chant to shout, another syn- ume, hence the bawdy dress, and hence the was, and this is coming from someone who Since its introduction last April, the SlutWalk women to lead this thing (actually, I do: check She was quick and quippy, with enough good chronized howling to indulge, another some- provocative character of the rally. attended John Stewart’s Rally to Restore San- has cultivated an ever growing audience, gain- out fedupburlington.wordpress.com) but they humor to sally us through the most solemn thing to stave it off. Our hosts knew that de- And like sister wacko event the Naked Bike ity. And like Stewart’s rally, there were signs ing momentum worldwide and spreading from were some of the most exciting, tremendous moments, of which there were many. She spondency was a paralytic, and paralytics do Ride, it was cathartic. It can seem off putting everywhere. “Stop slut shaming, no more its native Canada to cities like London, Boston, role models modern women-hell, modern was angry for sure (most of the participants not a good rally make. So we roared when we at first, and perhaps cynicism isn’t an unfair victim blaming” read one, and my personal and most recently, Burlington, Vermont. men-could ever want. Charismatic, loud and were), but she was witty too, and there was felt blue, and stomped when shit got heavy. It first impression; after all, a throng of women favorite: “Consent is sexy.” The difference “We will not remain silent as rape culture articulate these leaders were, contagious quali- consolation in her rigidly maintained quo- was sobering, but it was a blast. promoting female empowerment via com- was, the SlutWalk had no illusions of non takes our friends, bodies and lives” proclaimed ties which they graciously and effectively trans- tient of outrage to laughter. Indeed, positivity However, the biggest obstacle facing the munal disrobing does, on some level, seem partisanship; “let’s go freak out Burlington!” one of the event leaders, “we are fed up.” ferred onto the rest of the rallyers, too. was the commodity they were pushing, even SlutWalk was overcoming the cultural exas- initially counter intuitive. But in the same yowled the crowd in the final moments be- If the Walk sounds heavy, well, it was. There When the Davis center faction arrived at if it was camouflaged under healthy layers of peration with second-wave feminism. We’ve fashion that the bike ride cites catharsis as fore the rally commenced. And Burl- were testimonials, tears, lamentations and curs- the downtown rally point we were greeted by a indignation and radicalism. “Good morning developed a sort of “femme fatigue” in the it’s rasion d’etre (it’s scheduled a week before ington, itself no stranger to freaks, got es. There were speeches from women who were small woman perched atop the broken democ- beautiful humans” boomed the mic, “you all last couple decades or so, stemming doubt- the most stressful period of the year, finals) a little sluttier. g not just angry, but crestfallen, too. It rained racy sign (opposite Nectars), inciting chants look so good today!” less from a 70s civil rights backlash, but also the Slut Walk celebrates its particular brand don’t forget to check out even more IWYSBs on the blog at thewatertower.tumblr.com (hint: like us on facebook and the blog posts will automatically show up on your feed) by joshhegarty Have you ever been walking downtown, that maybe we’ve got some common overheard a conversation in b-town? minding your own business, when sudden- ground here? someone on campus catch your eye? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? ly as you pass 242 Main, you see a group of But once we move past the super- tell the ear and we’ll print it. strange folk with tattoos, flip caps, Bane T- ficial, we can find even more that can couldn’t get a name? shirts, and holes in their ears the size of golf bind these two disparate groups. For submit your love anonymously uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html ~watertwr/iwysb.html balls, dancing about in a flailing manner example, when asked what bands uvm.edu/ Outside Pearl Street Bev unlike anything you’ve ever seen except in you’ve been listening to lately, your Girl 1: I made out with a senior. movies about metal bands? Surely you were answer is “Oh, just Deerhunter, You caught my eye on the first day. I had to come in to You look just like Zooey Deschanel, Girl 2: I made out with Chris and Matt and two guys I don’t scared to find this new breed of human, but tUnE-yArDs, Animal Collective. Oh, get some change. You’re all spiffed up in your blue button IWYSB know. fear not, hipster. I am here to show you that you don’t know them? Makes sense, up. I’d kill to see what was underneath. You’re so sexy I’d When: all the time you and he are not so different. they’re really underground. Oh, and love to get to know you.... Hope to get some numbers in Where: everywhere A Friday on Redstone First off, the tattoos are a sign of simi- Of Montreal, but only their old stuff. exchange next time I’m in... I saw: a lady with bangs Guy to girl: Your hands are like robotic angels of wonder. larity. While he has many more than you, Oh, and always The Smiths.” When makes you better than everyone else, even to Blink-182, Taking Back Sunday and Say When: Monday-Friday I am: hoping to bang you don’t worry, because they will be just as they are asked, “Lots of Minor Threat, Go- though it doesn’t. When they go to a party, Anything only to act like you hate those Where: DC bank Outside of Ake’s, friday night. meaningless as yours in ten years. Then rilla Biscuits, Blood For Blood. Oh, you they sulk in the corner and expound how bands if pressed about them. Now, don’t you I saw: Sexy man I saw you from a distance through my crappy webcam Guy (talking to himself): Hmmm... wonder where I can get come the flip caps. We all know they don’t don’t know them. They broke up years ago. being straight edge makes them so much see? There’s nothing to fear, just because his I am: Wanting you so bad It made me long to be with you in every way I can. AIDS from tonight. look good. Just like your fedora, it’s a state- And some Comeback Kid, but only their better than everybody else, even though it beard is ungroomed and his shorts aren’t I love your soft smile and the way you play percussion ment that expresses that you neither look old stuff. And, of course, The Cure.” The doesn’t. Do you now see your similar at- as tight as yours. Now let’s all calm down, Bob Dale, And I miss the way you encourage me when I’m struggling 2nd Floor Library good, nor care about how you look, but that Smiths vs. The Cure debate is one you’ll titudes, despite their expression? throw on some canvas shoes and sing along Do you want some tail? through Russian. Bro: I cant, I have to go hide my bong for the room inspec- you want/need to attract attention. And as always stand on opposite sides of, but sure- And finally, I come to the similarity to “Dammit.“ I promise I won’t tell. Come by my room, it will never fail. You remind me of Aladdin with your charming personality tion. for the dancing, they’re just as bad at ac- ly, by now, you can see a bit of yourself in upon which there can be no dispute, what- (Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing You play rugby, And you win me over daily with your instrumentality. tually dancing as you are. They compen- them. soever. When you’re making a playlist for against the guys at 242. Any venue as DIY and when you hug me, Even though I’m not there, we’ll have to make do En route to bus stop, cherry street sate by not even trying. You compensate When you go to a party, you drink PBR a long drive, or there’s nobody around to and community based as theirs is fantastic I just want you to rub me. And I want you to know just how much I love you. Girl 1: People are creepy at the bus stop. by doing it badly on purpose. Can you see and smoke American Spirits and think that see you, you will unabashedly sing along in my book.) g You live on redstone, Thanks for bringing me smiles, laughs, and constant joy Girl 2: I doubt that, it’s 4 pm. and I just want to bone. Happy 6 month anniversary, my handsome drummer boy. Girl 1: Oh no, creepy people need to go somewhere in the Give me a call, When: since March 26 daytime, too. and I’ll be at your hall. Where: in our hearts When: Monday 10:52am I saw: a wonderful future together Back Five Where: through my binoculars, leaving the grundle I am: loving you from across the Atlantic Girl: Do you want some m & m’s? I saw: a grundle troll with a phillies hat Boy (on acid): Naa man I don’t eat chocolate. It’s not good by sarahmoylan (and some wruv dj friends) I am: a good time you seem so calm from all the yoga you do for you. and your skin is a beautiful bronze hue As your water tower tunes editor, I have to come Honestly, I’m glad I.J. wrote this letter. There are a ton of But as a station funded in large part by the UVM Student students—maybe even a majority—who are mystified Government Association and staffed entirely by volunteer Your name rhymes with Chuckle, i guess i’ll line up in the queue Biddies in bailey howe taking a chem quiz. clean about something. My love of immersing myself in all you make me wanna fuckle-you. for all the girls who must be crazy over you Biddie 1: True or false, water is organic things tunes-related does not begin and end with editing about WRUV’s policies, and, like I.J., frustrated by them. DJs, we find ourselves in a unique position. We are able As a current DJ, I can certainly relate. It is often tempting to promote the lesser-known music that commercial sta- You can call me bubbie, i wanna be stuck on you like glue Biddie 2: Organic means containing carbon...so true. for the water tower. I am also the Program Director for while we take a bath in the tubbie we could run away to timbuktu Biddie 1: Yah true....oh shit we got it wrong. WRUV-FM Burlington, where I’ve been DJing since I was to play more mainstream stuff that more of my friends will tions simply cannot afford to spin—so why wouldn’t we recognize. do so, and why wouldn’t we do so to the greatest extent and you love to say “yeahhh buddy”. if you only knew a freshman. So, it was of particular interest to me when the I know how to shake it on the dance floor, how badly i want you Troll Hole, Russell Street. wt received this e-mail late last week: I guess that’s why this letter gave me pause. I mean, that we can? Independent artists, artists signed to smaller why can’t we play more popular hits, especially if it’s good labels, and local artists depend on the support that our sta- roll out with me and it wont be a bore When: wednesdays Man: The duck can live in my nook. music? My first reaction was “Well, we can’t play that kind tion, and other free-format college radio stations, provides. -you and i would be hard to ignore. Where: the gym Hello, I am a first year student who recently decided to try When: on the reg I saw: a cute boy Davis Center, Lunchtime to become a DJ at the University radio station. I have DJ’d at of music because…because…it’s against the rules, so we Each week, we are mailed hundreds of CDs in every musi- can’t!” But I didn’t think that’d be an appropriate way of cal genre from artists who could never fathom receiving Where: at the Brotel I am: the girl swiping your card Hipster: Oh, you’re getting a raspberry honestea? I got one my High School station in the past, and was ready to try my I saw: just a lil’ guy last week and it was so underwhelming that I took a pic- best to secure one of the coveted time slots at the University validating WRUV to the Water Tower’s readership (or, at airplay on a station where they would have to compete least, the 10% that make it back to the tunes section). So, I with top-100 hits. I am: just a lil’ girl I played with you last night ture of it and put it on tumblr. radio station, WRUV. That all changed, however, when I saw But not all of you was there that the station apparently does not allow any song that has slept on it, asked for opinions from fellow DJ friends who This circumstance is the basis of our 25% new music have also been at WRUV for a while, and came up with the requirement. However, we certainly don’t forbid airplay They call you the Grundle Troll, Someone had stolen pieces of you Davis Center Tunnel ever been on the Billboard Top 100 to be played. Now, I am I wanna do you in your grundle hole. Someone who clearly doesn’t care Biddy: I mean, she’s not a slut...but she is...but it’s not, like, extremely tolerant of letting people listen to what music they following explanation: of older tunes. A recent analysis of our playlists revealed Exposure of alternative and up-and-coming music is that our DJs play, on average, about 50% new music. This Maybe one day I can swipe you in, I want all of you back her reputation... want, even if it pains me, which is why I assumed I would You can swallow my breadstick, I want all of you whole enjoy this station, as I figured this freedom of expression was the core of WRUV-FM’s philosophy. Accordingly, our cur- means that the rest of the music played is material selected rent policy states that no song that ever charted on the Bill- from our catalog of older releases. And, contrary to what I could put my meat between your buns. So I beg the asshole who did this to you In front of simpson fine dining the reason why I had yet to recognize a song while walking In the morning we could go for round two, To return the candyland cards you stole. Girl 1: Hey, I like your shirt, it’s super tight! through the Davis Tunnel. I am shocked to find however that board Top 100 may be played on-air. Songs that did not some may believe, artists like the Beatles, Beach Boys, and chart but are performed by artists who have had top 100 Ramones can be and are played on WRUV. Sure, you’ll I will be the syrup you could be my waffle. When: Last night Girl 2: You’re tight. a station that preaches about diversity does not allow you When: Everyday in Grundlin’ Where: Brennans to play The Beatles on air. While I understand this station’s hits must constitute no more than 20% of any given DJ’s never hear “A Hard Day’s Night” over our airwaves, but show. Lastly, 25% of any DJ’s show must include selections “Old Brown Shoe” or “Boys” are fair game. The only rea- Where: THE GRUNDLE I saw: Candyland game with no character cards Wright wishes, I feel that it is not fair to students who enjoy popular I saw: the Grundle Troll I am: Crushed Girl 1: Hey, can I eat on your bed? as well as alternative music, and wish to listen to both. from WRUV’s new music collection, which contains hun- son you likely won’t hear these songs is because most of our dreds of new albums from a wide range of genres. DJs are even more adamant about exposing lesser-known I am: your grundle admirer Girl 2: Yeah, I eat on it all the time can’t you see the stains? Right now, there are two newspapers, yours and the Cynic. you were my favorite party guest Girl 1: Umm... I’m pretty sure thats the other kind of eat- They both serve a purpose, and I believe the same should Is this restricting to freedom of expression? Truthfully, artists than station policy asks them to be. any station which places upon its DJs a single rule or regu- Together, these DJs also help create a vibrant local music I think you’re pretty. my heart pounded in my chest ing. be for radio. I have asked all of my friends what they think Wish we could hang out. when you walked through the door when they hear the music while they walk through the Da- lation cannot claim to broadcast completely uninhibited community. You’ll find WRUV DJs spinning at everything programming. However, we hardly find ourselves restrict- from benefits on-campus to shows downtown. WRUV When: Sometimes i almost hit the floor Outside Votey classroom vis tunnel, and they all say the same thing: “What are they Where: Across the hall you were carrying a bottle of jack Girl on cell phone: but daaaad, Ashley has a Forever 21 ac- doing in there?” I understand the importance of spreading ed. In the grand scheme of all music that has been released DJs also help promote and hold live shows from various over time, the percentage of songs that have landed on genres. And at the end of the day, the unique musical en- I saw: A cool, short-haired lady glad you walked your friend home so he didn’t yack count and her dad pays it! around unknown music, but people who enjoy listening to I am: Already taken. all over our bathroom other kinds of music should not be silenced. They are basi- the Billboard Top 100 Singles Chart (the only chart that vironment that WRUV DJs help foster, on-campus and WRUV considers) is remarkably small. beyond, is probably the most important impact of the sta- because all we have is a broom Marche cally doing the reverse of what people did when rock and roll your glasses are round and your scar turns me on you have the cutest style Ignorant girl 1: I don’t even get the point of TOMS.... came along. Instead of banning the new, they are banning Interestingly, when speaking of freedom of expression, tion. Our listenership, while bigger than you might think, WRUV’s free-format style is considerably less restrictive is probably only a percentage of any commercial station you like to do magic and i’d like to touch your wand. and i love your ear-to-ear smile Ignorant girl 2: They like send shoes to some 3rd world the old. I am wondering if any other students feel the same, your best friend a ginger and you defeated the dark lord i hope i run into you soon country. and if they think there should be a change, or an addition, to than typical commercial stations. These stations can only around here—but that’s just a small part of how we reach operate as fiscally viable entities, and as such they are re- out to the Burlington area. lets do it. or we could run off to cancun Ignorant girl 1: Yeah but like...they are the most unsupport- how this station works. Not many people are able to find the When: my childhood for you, i have only one wish ive shoes everrrrrrrr....like...what’s the point... they might amount of unheard of music played on the radio here, and quired to abide by a stringent, pre-selected playlist of (typi- Our city may pack a punch, but it’s still pretty small, cally top-100) songs. Conversely, WRUV allows its DJs to so our student-run radio station has a big impact on what Where: the dungeons never speak in an accent that’s british as well like not even have shoes. an even smaller amount of people seem to enjoy it. I am only I saw: a triwizard champion When: cake party wondering if anyone else feels cheated out of what should be play any music they wish, excepting any song that violates goes on around here. And that’s awesome! g one of the policies mentioned above or applicable FCC I am: a needy muggle Where: our house Outside Bailey-Howe a wonderful thing that promotes all music styles, and lets I saw: the cutest boy we ever did see Guy to his friends about the two children in yamakahs play- anyone play what they want, and have fun doing it. regulations. editor’s note: both I.J. and Sarah have interest- It is worth noting that we, as humble WRUV DJs, enjoy I am: L.o.L. ing whose parents were selling goods for Rosh Hasha- Sincerely, ing points, and the water tower doesn’t endorse nah, the Jewish New Year: “Ohh those crazy Amish I.J. Idrizaj our occasional fix of Cruisin’ or even Triple X. A water either side of the debate... tower/Cynic comparison would not be fitting here, but children...” these stations are alternatives to WRUV. by adrikopp UVM is a healthy place. We’ve been rated among the Pescetarian, most of them just call themselves vegetarians fried food. Go eat some rice and cry in a corner cause life by bethziehl by julianvandertak top 5 fittest schools in the country and you’ll notice a gen- because apparently fish don’t count as animals. These peo- sucks, sorry dude. I went to the edge and looked over. I expected to see a mass eral tendency for people to eat healthy and exercise around ple were around for Bambi but somehow never managed The “I only eat local organic free-trade products de- of gnarled branches lying in the dirt below with crows picking A dainty steel needle channels campus, but whether you’re new around here or, like me, to watch Finding Nemo. Come on guys, even the sharks in livered by hybrid trucks packaged in reusable, recyclable at animal carcasses. No, I expected worse than that. It was years grooves through lines in wax are holding desperately on to our last months in Btown, this movie have heart enough to give up eating fish! or previously recycled containers that I will continue to of people telling rumors of the horridness that lay below the and forever moves its blessed recipients you cant help noticing the plethora of ever-evolving diet Vegan: No animal by-products. This includes things reuse until it grows a mold that will kill me”: enough edge which had led me to these conclusions. Many people in with a mosaic of subliminal facts. habits of nearly everyone on campus. If you’re as confused like milk, eggs, and honey. “Did you know they use horse said. my town had already seen it, but they could not speak of what as I am and need a little help, I’ve put together this nifty hooves in gelatin, egg whites are used in the filtering of The “Get Involved” Diet: The people who are appar- they had seen. Some become scarred for life while others move The fabrication of stepwise tracks, guide so you never have to embarrass yourself by offering beer…and corn syrup is made of crushed human babies!” ently interested in any organization that offers free food. on. It changes people. Whatever is down there, it changes them. keenly viewed through sonic goggles, a carrot to a lacanophobic (someone who is afraid of veg- …or, something like that. Diet consists of cookies, coffee, Challah, and the occasional They say that when you feel you are prepared, you must go and unveils the emergence of cracks etables). Nut Allergy: This includes pine nuts and some seeds, burger or hot dog and chips. This diet also comes with a lot see for yourself. Some folks decide that they just aren’t ready, from which the flux mind-boggles. Vegetarian: The simplest—These guys probably watched and pollen, and trees in general, and the air, and… of unwanted emails and awkward encounters. ever. These people tend to be looked down upon, but it is their Bambi one too many times, but at least they are pretty Lact-repellant: Can’t eat lactose—lucky for them, Cabot The Henry Street Deli Diet: Guys that are just too lazy decision and the town must respect that. Such divinities whose sound insanity straight-forward: No meat. cheddar is naturally lactose free! But Ben & Jerry’s isn’t… to go buy groceries, but I gotta hand it to them—it’s Last month, my friend went to the edge. I didn’t see him for is gold, lay forth their minds on hardware The Vegetarian-but I still eat fish-Diet: Also known as a Gluten Free: No beer, no pizza, no cookies, cake, or tasty. g a month after that. It was as if he had completely forgotten me. bright yet cold, yet bold is its ability to produce I remember seeing him walking back from the edge. His eyes such spectrums of sounds still fresh and bare. were glazed over and nothing distracted him from the path he was walking. I tried to call out to him, but it was useless. I’d like Dance with the triangle now, behold to say that he wasn’t affected by the edge, but I would be lying. its finest scales and feel their pulse Just the other day, a young pregnant girl came back from as your flesh begins to quake; take hold, the edge. She stood in the center of town with a pistol in hand. open your mind and let your core convulse. She held it to her head and shot herself. I cleaned up the mess while some people screamed in hysterics and others passed by, These dancing folks in illicit trances uncaring. edge, a childish excitement grew inside me. I would finally view make quick to try save the minutes In my mind I had created my own idea of what could be the thing that I had waited so long to see. Slowly, I gazed over so fast (or slow?), exchanging glances below the edge. Was I ready? I felt ready. After twenty-two the rocky ledge. The image I saw below me was nothing I could which drive the will to reach our limits. years of not knowing, I was ready. Some people claim that the have ever imagined. All emotions flooded my body. I stood curiosity got to them and they went to the edge too soon. If there for an hour or more, looking down. I could not fathom These layers of purely ripe organics, only they had waited. Others claim that they waited too long. It how this sight could have turned the town into what it was when taken with the proper notions, by colbynixon is different for everyone. I was ready. today. Had they seen the same thing as me? can lay us in our safety hammocks By the time I had collected my thoughts, the sun had al- ashore of Sigmund’s boundless oceans. I have a really shitty phone. I mean, not ing the time, so a watch was the most use- My boots scuffed along the dry dirt and rocks as I walked through the quiet town. The sun was just beginning to set and ready sunk deep into the soil. I suddenly felt lonely on the edge. just kind of shitty, where it flips up and has ful part of their uniform. However, these I turned and walked back into town. Once I made my way into When you recline and embrace audition, a camera, but absolutely terrible. It doesn’t watches were meant for the pocket, and warm rays of light highlighted my path. I felt as though I was walking to my death. This would be my end. As I neared the town, I kept on going, right out of town. g the tides will rise, the waters will adore you; let me follow tweets, I can’t connect to the were kept on a chain so that they would not you’ll live your days in complete fruition: internet, I can’t even send or receive picture get lost. When watches became more por- watch as all your negativities abhor you. g messages. But, even my piece of crap phone table and could be worn on the, the pocket has a clock on it. So, when I’m walking to watch went the way of the monocle, and all class, and someone asks the time, I take out but disappeared. my phone and take a look. This is a fairly Is that what is going to happen to all of normal, commonplace situation, why am I our wristwatches, are they going to cease wasting your time with this story? Because to exist in the near future? The answer is I’m also wearing a watch. I love my watch, yes and no. Watches, as a functional en- by tayabeattie and yet I only check the time with it about tity, will most likely no longer be neces- by laurafrangipane fifty percent of the time. Is this representa- sary, however, they will remain as a mark tive of the function of watches in our soci- of style. Brands like Tag Huer and Rolex Our mothers told us about the earth; The earth was torn Timidly, I walk to the gates of The Grundle. ety? I heard two girls talking the other day, will see that the watch doesn’t become ex- it was brown by us and we had created electric My backpack on my shoulder and swipe in hand, and one said to the other, “I can’t remember tinct through high profile advertising with loam, moist and clay, coffee grounds life, equal I ready myself for food, studying, and friends. Su- the last time I owned a watch, I think I was celebrities and athletes. The watch remains to boil and stir, gravity. We kept on boiling san waves to me as she crosses the border. “I’ll go like, ten.” The other replied, “I know, really, because the object itself is a status symbol, something the trees strived to equal, and adding electric current. find us a seat,” she said. I’ll go find us a seat. These once I got my MotoRazr in sixth grade, I perhaps even more so now that it is unnec- only once. We emerged black, which was a words echo in my head like thunder through a haven’t worn one, let’s go get some Pinnacle essary. A man who can pay $2500 for a Tag To meet between our fingernails and cleaner brown, night sky. I knew they would be my last embraces Whipped.” Are watches becoming obsolete, Carrera, when his phone will do the same to slick breathing in oil slick. of comfort before I could enter. relegated to those fifty years and older? function plus more, is essentially telling in the sandbox mixed with rainwa- The boy in front of me was shaking now. His Watches were most commonly seen on people, “I’m the shit, and this watch proves ter, earth’s tears We pretended the fish loved the slick hands were sweating so profusely that his ID railway conductors back in the 1800s to it.” Watches will stay because they are a way dared us to run against its current but still spent six months trying to slipped from his fingertips and down to the floor. begin with. These conductors had to keep to differentiate your self from the crowd, fix the earth’s tears, Its corner hit the black carpeting and shot across the trains on schedule by constantly check- kind of like button flies.g through the earth and to measure never telling our parents engines the ground, landing directly on the other side of the current didn’t run on brown the border line. The boy looked to his ID then to and created our power. We let the and our minds ran on coffee with the towering guards in TSA uniforms and back brown Equal. to his ID. He quietly slipped himself out of line dirt dry to tan, dry to gray, we tear We were too late, the fish swam in and ducked low in an attempt to scrape up his into its surface for its black boiling the current card without being noticed. Typical freshman headaches which we smeared and and died and bloated and boiled move, clearly his orientation leader had not read slicked down. him the Grundle law. Others in the line turned to in our hair, finally feeling equal watch the boy. Their faces were horrified, all real- Our mothers sat watching the tea izing the mistake that was about to be made, all to our fathers. Our mothers told us water boil realizing the fate of this poor freshman. Then the we would never be equal in our houses. Hating our slicked inevitable happened. to the soil. And we would never feel back hair, swimming against brown Immediately and without warning three hulk- the current currents ing guards dove to the boy. His face cowered in of life because we refused to toil in of tea. Mothers crying lemon tears fear as he realized his fate. “Goutcha ya sneak the slicks in Earl Gray, wishing we knew our tieving baastartd!” one particularity large guard in the rain, to become brown, in the equals, said, his flaming red Scottish hair aggressively fields. wishing we understood the color thrown to the side from chasing down the boy We sat in our labs with our plastics brown. revealing a large bald spot atop his head. “But I was just,” the boy tried to let out an excuse for his boiling actions but it was no use. The poor freshman had done himself in. “Dount youu trai me mistier. I ignoring our mothers’ hot tears. We, just once, dreamt of boiling goutcha an nao yoare goinna paee the praice.” The large man scooped the boy up by his foot and brown threw him into The Brain Cafe (a sectioned off part of the dining area where they take the Springs, for the propensity to equal bodies of Grundle betrayers and turn it into Grundle mystery meat.) I shake my head, take our mothers’ tears, our current g in a deep breath, and begin to remove my shoes. checking balances. To be continued. g library remodeling by gregjacobs It has come to the attention of The Water Tower that the library is being redesigned and remodeled to better serve future generations of future UVM students and further exploit the bank accounts of the current ones. Since the library is a highly student-oriented space, we feel that the students should play a major part in its design (unlike the Davis Center, which is really a giant monument to the past administration). After carefully taking suggestions, we have a number of elements approved by approximately 59% of the student body. Lords, ladies, and other biddies of the planning commission, we present you with our requests for library improvements.

Chances are you have witnessed one or more of these things happen- ing whilst trying to get your study on at the libby. Make a game out of it!

Someone watching People making out/ Broken printer porn getting it on

FREE SPACE Chain smoking Handmade refill mug Kid passed out on a book or laptop

Bake sale Person actually Old dude playing a checking out a book videogame

by collincappelle