Remembering the Way An Enquiry into a Journey of Loss, Healing and Emergence Jenni Harris 2011 Remembering the Way An Enquiry into a Journey of Loss, Healing and Emergence Jennifer Rae Harris MA Experiential and Creative Arts Therapy (MIECAT) Dip. Transpersonal Art Therapy (Ikon) Submitted in total fulfilment of the requirements of the degree of Professional Doctorate in Creative Arts Therapy November 2011 MIECAT, Melbourne, Australia To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not, You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy. In order to arrive at what you do not know You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance. In order to possess what you do not possess You must go by the way of dispossession. In order to arrive at what you are not You must go through the way in which you are not. And what you do not know is the only thing you know And what you own is what you do not own And where you are is where you are not. T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets (1952, p. 127) ii Abstract The opportunity to undertake a professional doctorate in process-oriented research coincided with my need for a period of deep reflection into my life and my experiences of death and loss. The resulting heuristic, arts-based research enquiry, based on a journal that I kept during this time, will provide the basis for my ongoing creative arts therapy practice. I offer this thesis as a resource to people practising in the areas of therapy, trauma, life review and qualitative research. I discovered that my enquiry, which took the form of a labyrinthine inner pilgrimage, had five intertwined aspects: therapeutic, archetypal, spiritual, professional, as well as its essential research function. It falls within the traditional archetypal framework of a heroine’s journey or a process of initiation: premonition, accepting the call, setting out, the descent into darkness, the return, and integration of a deeper knowing. My methodology has been emergent, arts-based and autoethnographic - an approach that is consistent with intuitive, organic enquiry methods. I have addressed the challenge of communicating a personal story and transpersonal ideas by using various forms: journal entries, visual art, poetry, dream work, evocation of memories, and review of lived experiences. In this way the thesis offers readers the opportunity to achieve both a felt-sense and an intellectual understanding of my exploration. In this enquiry I initially drew on a wide selection of sources from poetry and spiritual texts to popular psychology. In the later chapters, which deal with my return to the world, I engage with academic literature to consider methodologies, and the conceptual and practical implications of this research. My quest took me to many places: myth, mysticism, spirituality, uncertainty, vulnerability, courage, homage to the past, and the finding of meaning after complex loss and grief. Each played a role in the process of discovering a truer sense of self, gratitude, joy and blessing. As a longitudinal case study in itself, it sheds light on the process of transformation after trauma. Findings from my research include the potential for arts-based work to assist in the process of making meaning and new integration. I conclude with a discussion of factors involved in posttraumatic growth and the demands, dangers and potential of research and therapeutic journeys such as this. iii For Alan He was my North, my South, my East and West My working week and my Sunday rest My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong W. H. Auden (1991, p.141) … for showing me that love does last forever. And for our children Rhan, Gretta and Lincoln And to Lainie, Francis and Madelene And Luca, Aliya, Marlo, Harry, Keala, Boomer and the babes to come. v Psyche’s Fifth Task Psyche was given four tasks, which she undertook to prove herself worthy. By ingenuity and determination, and with some help, she succeeded. Her fifth, and unspoken task, was to thank her helpers. This fifth task is one that I will never be able to perform adequately. There are always those for without whom this could have never been written: Jean Rumbold, David Byrne and Rachael Feather To each of you, I turn and bow, in gratitude and love. You have given me the gift of a life renewed. I honour and thank you. vi I have thought deeply about how to acknowledge the many worker ants, reeds and eagles that loyally came to my aid, just as they did for Psyche. Along the way, there have been many who have supported and loved me. You have forgiven my reclusiveness, given counsel and offered hands-on help. You offered yourself and your skills unstintingly, and inspired me by the values by which you live. Please accept my heartfelt gratitude for your contribution to this work. Emily Mawson Jan Allen Barb Adams Niki Turner Amanda Woodford Jenny Orford Clare McKay Lindy Schneider Kim Isaacs Ailish Gill Warren Lett Be Pannell Vivienne Howson Ross Langford Scott D Lana S Bernadette W Owen G Cherie R Bridget B Kathy M Jane G Jo H Jo Du B Lynne K Paulina S Dominic B Jill F Lynn M Kerry K Hugh D Tomoko N Sal R Bea H Gela D Cath H Yvonne H Vijoleta Roger F Sue P Cornelia E Bruce C My cousins Marea R Charles J Amanda H Students Alan C Lucy B Gerry J Arwen D Ann Bi Lydia T Supervisees Sarah A Roman I Danuta Supervisors Stella G Rosemary M vii How can I acknowledge all the wisdom that has been given to me? Significant and essential understandings have trickled into the caverns of my being. These gleanings - too numerous to mention - nourished seeds that lay dormant inside me until the conditions were right for them to spring into life. To all who helped fertilise those seeds, (sometimes without knowing) I thank you. May the generosity you showed me return to you, manyfold. And thanks to the tea growers around the world who supported my habit. viii Declaration This is to certify that: • except where reference is made in the text, this work contains no material published elsewhere or extracted in whole or in part from a work submitted for the award of any other degree or diploma. • no other person’s work has been used without due acknowledgement in the text. • this work has not been submitted for the award of any other degree or diploma in any other tertiary institution. • ethics consent was granted by the MIECAT Ethics Committee on March 30, 2007. See Appendix. • written permission to use poetry, personal communication, photos, or to appear in photos, has been obtained wherever possible. • this work is 80,000 words in length, exclusive of artworks, forepapers and endpapers. Name: Jennifer Rae Harris Signed: Date: November 2011 ix Contents Abstract iii Acknowledgements v Declaration ix Contents x Artworks xii Chapter 1 – The Way 1 A Pilgrimage 9 About Why 12 About Me 17 About my Journey 20 About the Thesis 22 About You 28 Chapter 2 – Starting Out 29 Early Whisperings 35 The Longing 39 The Call 40 Setting Out 43 x Chapter 3 – The Descent 49 Chapter 6 – Others’ Ways 151 The Heart Dream 56 Reviewing Past Trauma 159 Guardian of the Threshold 60 Grief and Bereavemen 162 Dark nights – Loss of the Known Self 65 Mindfulness 167 Presenting the Journey 67 Arts Therapy as a Way through Trauma 168 The Edge Dream 76 Autoethnography 172 Lamps in the Darkness 77 Myths 173 Life Review 174 The Centre 81 Self-transformative Experience 176 Chapter 4 – Ways Chapter 7 – The Way Home 179 – Remembering the Processes 91 Emergence 186 Introduction 97 The Altar Dream 187 Decisions made 101 Looking Back over my Journey 199 Writes of Passage 103 Looking Forward 206 Following the Thread 112 Concluding Thoughts 219 The Wooden Box 116 Challenges and Constraints 123 References 221 Chapter 5 – The Bricoleur’s Nest 129 Appendix 239 Mapping my Methodology 135 Ethics Approval 239 Autoethnography 137 The MIECAT Way – Multi-modal Inquiry 139 Responses 241 A Narrative Inquiry 141 Organic Inquiry 143 xi Artworks Signature photograph on covers and chapter pages. Looking towards Compostela, from the church at O Cebreiro, Galicia, Spain, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 2009. Booklet, Images of a Life Reviewed, mixed media, Jenni Harris, 2010. Booklet, Images of the Research Enquiry, mixed media, Jenni Harris, 2010. A Mysterious Path, acrylic representation, Jenni Harris, 2005 3 The Pilgrim, collage, Jenni Harris, 2009. 8 Labyrinths, collage, Jenni Harris, September 2010. 11 What ails thee?, collage, Jenni Harris, 2007. 15 The Art Therapy Studio, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 2011. 18 Books as Sources, digital photograph, Jenni Harris 2010. 26 Stepping forth – Compostela Pilgrimage, digital photograph, David Byrne, 2009. 31 The Buried Seed, chalk pastel representation, Jenni Harris, 2008. 37 The Meandering Path, acrylic representation, Jenni Harris, 2007. 43 Through the Door, Italy, digital photograph, Jenni Harris, 1999, overlaid by poem, The Journey. 47 There is a Light that Shines, mixed media representation, Jenni Harris, 2010. 51 Heart Dream, foldout collage with pencil representation, Jenni Harris, 2011. 57 The Wise One and the Critic, sandplay representation, Jenni Harris, 2009. 66 Entering the Unknown – Initiation and Descent, foldout collage, Jenni Harris, 2011 with sculpture, Jenni Harris, 2005. 70 Lamps in the Darkness, foldout collage, Jenni Harris, 2011. 78 The Labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral, France, digital photograph, unknown photographer, 2009. 83 The Centre, Labyrinth, in moulded paper, Barb Adams, 2011 and poem on tracing paper, Jenni Harris, 2011.