American Catholic Etiquette
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Newman 1.95 The unique, complete, and invaluable guide KAY TOY FENNER American Catholic Etiquette American Catholic Etiquette by Kay Toy Fenner The Newman Press WE S T ~I I N ST ER , M A RY LA ND 1963 First published, 1961 Second printing, 1962 Third printing, 1962 Fourth printing, 1963 Nihil obstat: EowARD A. CERNY, S.S., S.T.D. Censor Librorom Imprimatur: FRANCIS P. KEoucH, D.D. Archbishop of Baltimore Date: September 22, 1961 The niha obstat and imprimatur are oflicial declara tions that a book or pamphlet is free of doctrinal and moral error. No implication is contained therein that those who have granted the nlhil obstat and Imprimatur agree with the opinions expressed. CopyrightO 1961 by THE NEWMAN PIIEss All rights reserved Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 61-16569 Printed in the United States of America Acknowledgments THE AUTHOR wishes to acknowledge her enormous indebtedness to the Reverend Joseph P. Conway, Vice Chancellor of the Diocese of Albany, without whose advice and assistance this book could not have been written. Grateful thanks are also due to: Lavinia Finin ( Mrs. William G. ) for perm1ss1on to use material previously published by her, in the chapter entitled "Making Your Wedding More Catholic." Dr. Paul Popinoe, Director of the American Institute of Family Relations and the American Newspaper Syndicate, copyright holder, for permission to quote from two of his newspaper columns entitled "Your Family and You." Dr. Margaret Mead and Editorial Projects for Education, copy right holder, for permission to quote from an article entitled "Marry ing in Haste in College." Sister Catherine Francis, C.S.J., President of the College of St. Rose, and the Reverend Bamabus Abele, O.F.M., Librarian of Siena College, for permission to use the libraries of these two colleges. Finally, Dr. Doris Grumbach ( Mrs. Leonard) for editorial and marketing help and for unfailing encouragement and inspiration. KAY ToY FENNER V Contents ,¢,,¢,,¢,,¢,+ Acknowledgments V Introduction xxi l. BAPTISM 3 Baptism of Infants 3 Time 3 Place 3 Officiating Priest 4 Godparents 4 Naming the Baby 6 Baptismal Robes 10 Guests 10 Attire of Guests 11 The Offering 11 Photographs 11 The Christening Party 11 Baptismal Gifts 13 Emergency Baptism 14 Adult Baptism 14 The Ceremony 14 Sponsors 15 Saint-Name 15 Entertaining 15 Non-Catholic Baptism 16 vii viii Contents 2. PENANCE AND EXTREME UNCTION 17 Penance 17 Introduction 17 Spiritual Requirements 17 Behavior 18 Dress 19 Extreme Unction 19 Spiritual Requirements 19 Preparations for Extreme Unction 20 Request to Non-Catholics 20 3. HoLY EUCHARIST 23 Spiritual Requirements 23 The Easter Duty 24 First Holy Communion 24 Clothing 25 Entertaining 27 Gifts 27 First Communion of Converts 27 Receiving Communion in the Home 28 Spiritual Requirements 28 Preparing the Home for a Visit from Our Lord 28 Proper Behavior 28 The Offering 29 Communion at Mass 29 4. CONFIRMATION 31 Spiritual Significance 31 Eligibility 31 Spiritual Requirements 32 Sponsors 32 Confirmation Name 32 Contents ix Confirmation Dress 32 Entertaining 33 Gifts 33 Adult Confirmation 33 5. HOLY ORDERS 35 Holy Orders 35 Ordination 35 Costume 36 First Solemn Mass 36 Invitations 37 Guest List 40 Parish Invitation 40 Acknowledging First Mass Invitations 40 Arrangements for First Mass 41 Details of First Mass 42 Non-Catholic Guests 43 Costume 43 Children 44 Presents 44 Acknowledging Ordination Gifts 45 Reception 46 At Home 46 Outside the Home 47 Luncheon 47 Seating 47 Toasts and Speeches 48 Menus 49 Details 49 Receiving 50 Refreshments 50 Music 50 Decorations 50 Housing Guests 50 Correct Usage of "Father" and "The Reverend" 51 Religious Profession 52 X Contents 6. FUNERAL, BURIAL, AND ~lOUR..'JIXG ETIQUETI'E 55 For the Family of the Deceased 55 Introduction 55 The Funeral Director 56 Funeral Expenses 56 Place of the Funeral 57 Place of Burial 58 Cremation 59 Notifying Relatives 59 The Paid Newspaper Announcement 60 The Obituary 61 The Wake 63 Mourning Costume 64 Receiving Condolence Calls 64 Displaying Flowers 66 Funeral Procession 66 Pallbearers 66 Housekeeping Details 67 The Funeral and Requiem Mass 68 Burial 68 Children and Funerals 69 After the Funeral 70 Acknowledgments 70 The Funerals of Children 72 Living in ~lourning 74 a) Mourning Attire 74 b) Mourning Behavior 75 Veterans' Burial Rights 76 Spare Your Family! 76 Mourning and Funeral Etiquette for FrienM 77 Letters of Condolence 77 Between Catholics 79 Pallbearer 81 From Catholic to Non-Catholic 81 From Non-Catholics to Catholics 82 From Christian to Jew 84 7. ENGAGEMENT AND PRE-NUPTIAL ENTERTAINL'\'G 87 Definition 87 Spiritual Significance 87 First Duties 88 Contents xi Canonical Engagement 89 Family Duties 92 Announcing the Engagement 93 Engagement Ring 96 Engagement Parties 97 Form of Announcement 97 Engagement Presents 98 Breaking the Engagement 99 Showers 101 The Bachelor Dinner 102 Bridesmaids' Luncheon 103 The Rehearsal Dinner 104 8. \VEDDIXG CORRESPONDENCE AND PRL'ffED FORMS 107 Wedding Invitations 107 The Senders 107 Time of Sending 107 Guest List 108 Forms and Styles 108 Wedding of a Widow 112 Special Forms 114 Sample Invitations 120 Reception Cards 121 Pew Cards 124 Response Cards 125 Addressing and Mailing 126 Outer Envelope 126 Inner Envelope 127 Return Address 128 Acknowledging Wedding Invitations 128 Informal Invitations 131 Wedding Announcements 182 The Senders 132 Time of Sending 133 Announcement List 133 Form5 and Styles 133 xii Contents Addressing and ~tailing 138 Acknowledging Announcements 138 Letters of Thanks 138 The Use of "Greeting" Cards 141 9. PLA:\'NIXG A \VEDDL'<G 143 Spiritual Requirements 143 What Kind of a Wedding? 144 Some Points to Consider 147 Wedding Expenses 147 Preparing for the Wedding 149 Professional Help 149 Doing It Yourself 150 Civil Arrangements 151 Wedding Attendants 151 Bridesmaids 152 Ushers 153 Maid of Honor 153 Best }.fan 153 The Offering 154 Altar Boys 154 Displaying Wedding Presents 154 Acknowledging Wedding Presents 155 10. THE ELABORATE \VEDDING CEREMONY 157 The Place 157 The Hour 157 The Date 158 Invitations 158 Decorations 158 Wedding Flowers 159 Music 159 Contents xiii Canopy and Carpet 159 Cars Required 160 Photographs 160 Notifying the Sewspapers 161 Wedding Costumes 164 Bride 164 Bridesmaids 164 !\[aid of Honor 165 Mothers of the Bridal Couple 165 Bridegroom 166 Best Man 167 Ushers 167 Fathers of the Bridal Couple 167 Wedding Guests 167 Seating Arrangements 168 The Wedding Procession 169 The Week of the Wedding 171 The Day of the Wedding 172 Wedding Guests 174 Wedding Presents 176 Exchanging Wedding Presents 179 Damaged Wedding Presents 179 Some Approced Nuptial Musical Selections 180 11. SIMPLER \VEDDI:'\GS 181 The Less Elaborate Wedding 181 Simpler Weddings 182 Another Simple W eel ding 183 A Very Quiet Wedding 183 Second Marriage 184 Older Brides 185 All Are Beautiful 186 xiv Contents 12. TnE MIXED MARRIAGE 189 Advisability 189 Spiritual Requirements 190 Family Responsibilities 192 Planning the Ceremony 193 Nuptial Entertaining 195 13. MAKrnG Ymm WEDDING MoRE CATHOLIC 197 Rings 199 Flowers 199 Communion at a Nuptial Mass 199 Wedding Missal 200 Acolytes 201 Blessing the Wine 201 The Cake 201 14. NUPTIAL ENTERTAL'l"ING 203 Introduction 203 Large and Lavish 203 At Home 204 Arrangements 204 The Receiving Line 204 The Breakfast 205 The Bride's Table 205 The Parents' Table 206 The Guests' Tables 206 Menus 207 Beverages 207 Saying Grace 208 Toasts 208 The Wedding Cake 209 Cutting the Cake 209 Opening the Dance 209 Bridal Traditions 209 Contents xv Going Away 210 Guests 211 Out of the Home 211 Slightly Less Elaborate 212 Combined Table 212 Menus 213 Photographs 214 No Dancing 215 Simpler Types of Entertaining 215 A Wise Preca!ltion 216 ,, The "Little Reception 216 15. DUTIES OF A p ARISHI0NER 219 Introduction 219 When You Move 219 You and Your Pastor 220 Your Financial Contribution 222 Parish Societies 224 16. Ho:-,;omNG Oun CLERGY 2""'_::, Honoring a Bishop 227 17. · BEIIAYIOR AT ;\L.\SS 229 Dress 229 Deportment 230 II earing Mass Properly 232 Low Mass 233 High Mass 233 18. EoucAn:-;c Oun CHILDREN 235 A Primary Responsibility 235 Why Catholic Schools? 237 xvi Contents 19. THE HO:\IE LIFE OF CATHOLICS 241 A Pattern for Your Life 241 Finances 243 Find Time for God 246 Daily Prayer 246 First Friday and Saturday 246 Blessing the Home 247 Grace at Meals 247 Celebrating One's Saint's Day 247 Blessing After Childbirth 248 Other Catholic Practices 248 The Christian Observance of Christmas and Easter 248 Lent 249 Threads in the Pattern 250 Dinner Time Is Family Time 250 Good Habits 253 Family Manners 254 Privacy 254 Courtesy 255 Loyalty 255 Appreciation 256 Sharing Responsibilities 258 Family Fun 260 It's Not All "Togetherness" 261 Communication 262 The Working Wife 265 Reading Materials 266 Prayers 268 20. GUIDANCE AND MANNERS FOR CHILDREN 271 Authority 271 It Takes Two 271 Begin With Love 273 Love and Hate 274 The Power of Example 278 Contents xvii Prepare the Way 2i9 Play Lessons 280 Goals 280 Telephone Manners 283 Table Manners 284 Entertaining Guests 288 Letters of Thanks 289 Moral Principles and Religious Practice 289 Moving Pictures, Telet:ision, and Reading 291 Dare to be Different 294 21. Gl,'JDA.'-CE A,.',"1) ~L.\...',.XERS FOR SUB-TEEXS 301 Aims 301 What Is a Teen-Ager? 302 The Sub-Teens 303 Stepping out of Childhood 305 Responsibilities 307 They Are All Different 308 Money Responsibilities 309 Wallflower Woes 309 The Art of Pleasing 310 Stick to Your Guns! 311 Paving the Way 312 Outside Jobs 313 Baby Sitting 313 For the Parents of the Sitter 313 Employers' Responsibilities 31-! For the Sitter 314 ·whose Money? 316 Group Pressure 317 xviii Contents Where Are They? 319 Entertainment Media 319 Going Steady 321 Limits for Sub-Teens 323 22.