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THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) 0021-6615 is published monthly except July and August by the Agudath of America, 42 Broadway, , NY10004. Periodicals postage pajd in New York, NY. Subscr'lption $24.00 per year; two years, $44.00; three years, $60.00. Outside of the (US funds drawn on a US bank only) $12.00 sur­ charge per year. Single copy $3.50; for­ eign $4.50. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: The Jewish Observer, 42 Broadway, NY.. NY. 10004. Tel: 212-797-9000, Fax: 646-254-1600. Printed in the U.S.A. AVROHOM YAAKOV HAKOHEIN PAM '>"Oil, A TRIBUTE

RABBI NISSON WOLPIN, EDITOR The Unassuming Giant, EOITORIAL BOARD RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS Rabbi Ch1.1lrman 14 A Rebbe For Our Generation, RABBI ABBA BRUDNY JOSEPH FRIEDENSON Rabbi Yisroel Reisman RABBI YISROEL MEIR KIRZNER RABBI NOSSON SCHERMAN SIDEBARS: Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, Rabbi Dov Mach/is, PROF. AARON TWERSKI Rabbi Yosef C. Golding, Nachum Gold OR. ERNST L. BODENHEIMER Z"L Founding Chairman THE WORLD OF BA'ALEI TESHUVA

MANAGEMENT BOARD AVI FISHOF ll Trials and Triumphs: Scenes from the NAFTOLI HIRSCH ISAAC KIRZNER Journey Home, Debbie Maimom RABBI SHLOMO LESIN NACHUM STEIN Ba'a/ Teshuva RABBI YOSEF C. GOLDING 32 Lifecycle Support for the Mam1glng Editor Family, Rabbi Yakov Horowitz Published by Agudath Israel of America Integration: Helping Ba'alei Teshuva Be Themselves, U.S. TRADE OISTRIBllTOH ISRAELI REPRESENTATIVE Fehlhelm Publisben lnlnl. Media Placement Rabbi Ben Tzion Kokis 200 Airport Executive Park POB 719515 Even Israel Nanuet, NY 10954 , ISRAEL

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©Copyright 2001 About the cover: The oil painting of Rabbi Pam ?"n gracing our cciver this month December 2001 is an original work commissioned by the Golding family. VOLUME XXXIV/NO. 10 Rabbi Nasson Scherman

RABBI AVROHOM PAM 7"~r The Unassuming Giant

f Rabbi Pam had been able to fitting for a man whose fondest wish had lows is an appreciation by someone who schedule his own levaya (funeral), he always been to remain inconspicuous, was his talmid over fifty years ago, and I surely would have said that it should so that he could devote his life to learn­ who, like all of his talmidim, never take place during bein haz'manim ing and teaching. ceased to regard him as a role model par ( intersession), so that Try though he did - mightily - to excellence. would not lose time from learning; on hide his greatness, he failed. Rabbi He insisted that there be no eulogies a Friday, so that fewer people would be Shaul Alter, the of Gur in at his levaya, except for a "farewell" from able to attend and there would be less Israel, said that when Rabbi Pam left us, his oldest son, Rabbi Aaron, because, as temptation to deliver eulogies; and «America lost its Divine protection." he put it, "I don't want to go to the during the summer, when many people Rabbi Alter may have met Rabbi Pam, World of Truth with a false passport." are away. Which is exactly what hap­ but certainly could not have known him It is undeniable that most eulogies, pened. This great and humble man, well. Yet he knew. And countless others understandably, tend to incorporate revered and cherished by so many, vir­ knew that behind his normal business some exaggerated praise. It is also tually slipped away. Several thousand , turned-down brim, and seat undeniable that any praise of Rabbi Pam people crowded the beis of his among his talmidim in the middle of the would have been only an understated Vodaath and the surrounding beis midrash, there was one of the great part of the truth. streets on 28 Menachem Av, 5761 people of our time, and that his loss (August 17, 2001) to bid a tearful could not be measured in terms of who I. THE INDELIBLE IMPRESSION farewell to perhaps the most beloved fig­ would fill his vacancy in leadership posi­ ure in the American yeshiva world, but tions or with his talmidim. There was s this writer was leaving the lev­ there would have been many times that more to the man than any of us realized. aya, a stranger came over - a number if his passing had come at These lines are not an attempt to A young man in his middle twen­ another time in another month. How evaluate him or portray him definitively. ties. He shared this story: In his teens, Rabbi Scherman, a member of the Editorial So inadequate is this writer and so hid­ he had been expelled by two yeshivas, Board of T11e Jewish Observer, is a General Edi­ den was much or most of what he did, and with good reason. He was angry and tor of Mesorah/ Publications. that such a task is impossible. What fol- rebellious, and his parents were at a loss.

6 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 In desperation, his mother took him to Rabbi Pam, whom neither of them knew. She poured her heart out to the Rosh Yeshiva. What would become ofher son? Would he remain a Jew! Where could he go? What should they do? Rabbi Pam listened, and spoke to the young man. Then he called an out-of-town yeshiva and asked them as a personal favor) on his responsibility, to accept the ta/mid. They agreed. The young man concluded his narra­ tive, "He called regttlar!y to check on how I was doing. I did pretty well. I changed. He saved me. If not for him, I would be out on the streets today." This for son1e­ one he had never previously met.

few weeks later, at a wedding, the menahel of one of 's AJ eading institutions told the fol­ lowing story to this writer: A parent had fallen on hard times and had not been able to pay his tuition for several Reform rabbi was startled. "Who is that? tnitzvos, in his self-sacrifice at giving up months. It was time to register his chil­ He is a holy man!" he said, almost some of his personal growth in Torah dren for the new school year and he was inaudibly. for the sake of Kial Yisroel, in the sim­ afraid even to go to the school; there was He was right, but how did he know? plicity of his home and his abhorrence no doubt that he would be required to He had never met Rabbi Pam, had not of luxury, in his enduring gratitude for clear his balance - but he had no money. seen photographs of him: How could even the most trivial favor, in the quiet Distraught, he confided his dilemma to one tell that a small man in ordinary passion with which he appealed to par­ Rabbi Pam. garb, who took pains to be inconspic­ ents to allow their sons to stay in the The Rosh Yeshiva intervened per­ uous and recoiled from honor, is holy? yeshiva as long as possible and to feel sonally. He called the administrator of The Chasam Sofer was once riding in what a privilege it was for their daugh­ the school, who told him that if anyone a coach with his rebbe, Rabbi Nasson Adler, ters to marry b'nei Torah. else had called, he would have told him when the horses reared in fright. They were Rabbi of Brisk the simple truth: the school had payrolls about to be attacked by a wild bear, and the remarked of the Chafetz Chaim that his to meet and bills to pay. The parent driver could not control them. Rabbi Adler saintliness obscured his greatness in already had a substantial scholarship, looked out the window. The bear saw him, Torah. The same could certainly be said and it was not fair to ask the school to recoiled and ran back into the woods. The of Rabbi Pam. do more. But since the one calling was Chasam Sofer asked for an explanation, Rabbi Chaim Kreiswirth (may he have Rabbi Pam, the school would accept the and Rabbi Adler replied, "Hashem made a refua sheleima), the of Antwerp and children without insisting on any prior man in His image and, as our Sages tell us, a formidable Talmudic prodigy, told an payment. at the beginning ofCreation all the animals acquaintance that when he came to the The story is not yet over. Shortly were afraid of man's G-dly nature. It United States, there were two people he afterward, a substantial check arrived seems that I still have some of thattzellem sought out to "speak in learning" - one from Rabbi Pam, to be applied toward Elokim, so the bear was afraid." of them was Rabbi Pam. Although he the delinquent account. Those who were close to Rabbi Pam grudgingly admitted to knowledge of the are not surprised that even someone four sections of Shulchan Aruch - bout ten years ago a well-known estranged from Torah could look at him because "every Jew must know halacha" family was sitting . One of and see holiness. By the standards of our - Rabbi Pam stoutly denied that he was Athe mourners was a Reform century, his holiness shone through, fluent in Shas, except that whatever the rabbi who had long since repudiated the unmistakably. It shone through in his topic nnder discussion, he always seemed Orthodoxy of his parents and siblings. love of learning, in his delivery of shi­ conversant in it. One afternoon, Rabbi Pam came into urim, in the understated elegance ofhis Rabbi Leibel Wulliger, head of the the room to be menacheim aveil. The shmuessen, in his performance of Torah Vodaath Kolle/., came to him to

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 7 discuss a complex sugya that the Kolle/ dozed off from fatigue, and would and finally in the Chafetz Chaim's Kol­ was studying. Rabbi Pam protested wake up in the middle of the night and le/ Kodashim, where two of his colleagues that it was a long time since he had return to his studies. were Rabbi and learned that Gemora, and he was not Rabbi Pam once expressed annoyance Rabbi Yosef Kahaneman, the future nearly as familiar with it as Rabbi Wul­ that someone had referred to Reb Meir Ponevizher Rav. Rabbi Kahaneman liger, who was studying it just then. as "the father of the Rosh Yeshiva of later was the Rav ofVidz for a time, and Rabbi Wulliger replied, "I see the details, Torah Vodaath." Rabbi Pam protested, invited Reb Meir to say the in the but the Rosh Yeshiva will see the broad "Is it my father's yichus (distinction) that yeshiva there. picture." The discussion began, and the his son says a shiur in Torah Vodaath? When Rabbi Avrohom Pam was Rabbi Pam who was "not familiar" with [In his modesty, he never referred to eleven years old, his parents sent him the topic, remembered every detail - as himself as the Rosh Yeshiva.] Do you away from home to a yeshiva. There was well as the broad picture. know what my father was? When he was a time when he slept on a bench in the It was perhaps inevitable that this in his high eighties, he was legally blind. local shul, but nothing deterred him from man, who combined greatness in Torah, The only time he could read was at high learning as long and intensely as he eloquent simplicity, sterling character, noon on a sunny day. At such times, he could. He was part of a special group of and a refusal - almost an inability - to would put his Gemora on the windowsill youngsters in Slabodka, where he speak or hear ill of others, should be and learn for an hour or two. The rest became a frequent Shabbos guest of compared to the Chafetz Chaim. No less of the time he learned from memory. Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetzky. It was a warm an authority than Rabbi Yaakov "Once I came to visit him, and we relationship that was to be resumed Kamenetzky said that Rabbi Pam was discussed a Gemora. He told me to look many years later when Reb Yaakov "the Chafetz Chaim of our time." It was up a Tosafos on daf 86a in Zevachim. I became Rosh Yeshiva in Torah Vodaath. a description echoed by many, but one looked, and told him that there is no In 1927, after several years of pover­ had to beware of uttering it in his com­ such Tosafos. He insisted that it was ty and harassment at the hands of Com­ pany. A dinner chairman once intro­ there. I looked further and was happy munist authorities, Rabbi Meir Pam duced him that way- and it was one of to tell him that it was on the next page. came to the United States, and, after the few times that this paragon of self­ He began to cry, saying, 'Look what hap­ securing positions as a maggid shiur in control was visibly agitated. Rabbi Pam pens to someone in his old age. He for­ Yeshiva Rabbeinu Chaim Berlin and as stood at the microphone and said, ((I gets his learning!") rabbi of the Beis Medrash Hagadol in must protest the affront to the honor of Rabbi Pam reminisced that his Brownsville, he was able to send for his the Chafetz Chaim:' mother never spoke lashon hara. "She family. was incapable of seeing bad in people, so she never spoke ill of anyone." She was Reb David's Imprint II. HIS LIFE: A STRAIGHT AND fluent in the entire Tanach and was CONSTANT ASCENT expert at using its lessons to comfort the ohom Yaakov became a talmid downtrodden. At her strings, the Torah Vodaath, then the only young Avrohom Yaakov began to devel­ Af esivta in Brooklyn. He Early Years in Lithuania op the expertise in Tanach that charac­ remained there for the rest of his life. terized him for the rest of his life. Grow­ Perhaps the single most pivotal period vrohom Yaakov Hakohein Pam ing up in such a home, he absorbed his for him was the year he was in the shiur was born in Tammuz in tiny father's love of learning, his mother's of the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi David Lei­ A Vidz, Lithuania. His father, Reb love of , and their mutual love of bowitz. The next year, Reb David left to Meir, was an exceptional Torah schol­ Hashem and His service. form his own yeshiva and Avrohom ar. Rabbi Pam would tell his family and Rabbi Meir Pam learned in Knesses Yaakov, like nearly all of Reb David's talmidim that his father almost never Bais Yitzchak, in Kovno, then with talmidim, wanted to go with him. But went to bed. He would learn until he Rabbi "Laizer" Gordon (later ofTelshe), Reb David, wisely and unselfishly,

8 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 thought otherwise. He told Avrohom you want to make of your Avrem' el, a ject in which he was weak. Rabbi Pam Yaakov that his future was in Torah rabbi? He'll never be able to support a made a deal with him. "You concen­ Vodaath and he should remain there. It family!" Without doubt, there must trate on your learning and I will tutor must have been a difficult decision for have been pressure on him to use his gifts you for the test." Rabbi Pam, because all his life he con­ to be a successful American, rather than Despite his abundant secular poten­ sidered Reb Dovid to be his rebbe a successful Lithuanian. tial, he never had any ambition other muvhak (primary teacher), saying that He was a perfectionist who \vant­ than to excel in learning, and excel he his approach to learning came from Reb ed to excel at everything he did. His did. Contrary to his external fa~ade of Dovid. But he accepted Reb Dovid's pre­ talmidim of years back were convinced conformity, he did it with an abundance scient advice, and remained in Torah he was American-born because his of independence. When he was 21, he Vodaath for the rest of his life. English was so perfect. Not only that, embarked on two years studying When Red Dovid passed away, Rabbi he worked hard, and successfully, to Shulchan Aruch with a (study Pam wrote an appreciation for Agudath eliminate his -European partner) in complete privacy. He also Israel's Orthodox Youth. accent. He had a feel for language, and had the ability to learn alone, without "To be a lamdan - was an ideal he con­ insisted on precise use of words. In the stimulation of a chavrusa - an stantly glorified. To acquire a Torah outlook later years, his translators and editors important, but rare, talent ... one of the - was the greatest ofachievements. To be a learned that, often to their chagrin. components of his success. In one of his maven (connoisseur) of Talrnud - was a Some of his closest talmidim attempt­ unusual comments on his own achieve­ source ofjustifiable pride. To be a marbitz ed to translate his shmuessen for ment, he told a ta/mid that during those Torah (a teacherofTorah)-was the ­ publication, but he was seldom satis­ two years, "I didn't sleep or eat," but he ing achievetnent of a talmid chacham." fied with their work. He was an became expert in halacha. At the end of That was a hierarchy of values that accomplished mathematician. Once those two years, he joined his older col­ Reb Dovid conveyed not only to his one of his talmidim was not learning league Rabbi Gedalia Schorr as the only talmidim. When Rabbi Yaakov well because he was preoccupied with Torah Vodaath talmidim with semicha Kamenetzky was in the United States in preparation for a math exam, a sub- (rabbinic ordination). 1938, and was debating whether to go back to or to bring his family to the United States, he consulted his old You can! Just: call friend and colleague, Reb David. Reb wish I could The Yit:t:i Leibel Dovid told him, "If you want to enjoy ''r Helpline. this world, go back to Slabodka, but if HOURS: you want to earn a share in the World­ speak to a Monday-Friday ...... Sam -12pm to-Come, stay here and spread Torah." Monday-Thursday ...... Spm -l lpm Rabbi Pam absorbed not only his Sunday ...... 9am-12pm, 9pm -llpm rebbes shiurim, but his priorities. He frum therapist Extra hours Sat. night ..... 7pm - 9pm became a lamdan, a niaven, and a mar­ .718,.HELP-NOW bitz Torah. Nowadays it seems unre­ ~., (718) 435,7669 . markable that a yeshiva student as bril­ on the phone Chicago ...... (800) HELP-023 liant and successful as Rabbi Pam should Lakewood ...... (732) 363-1010 want to devote his entire life to learning Cleveland ...... (888) 209-8079 and teaching, but in the l 930's it was a without giving Baltimore ...... (410) 578-1111 rarity. If his family experience was typ­ Detroit...... (877) 435-7611 San Diego ...... (866) 385-0348 ical - as it almost certainly was - his mother must have been bombarded by my name.'' For addiction problems call our addiction well-meaning friends saying, "What do thera ist, Wednesda s 11:30 m to 1:30am

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 9 Sixty-Two Years To Teach ... And ExempliJY communities and allowed - even cheer and hospitality, even as she tried encouraged - them to maintain their to protect him from intrusions on his n 1939, Rabbi Pam became a mag­ native traditions. Chassidim, Mis­ precious time for learning, especially gid shiur in Torah Vodaath, a posi­ nagdim, Ashkenazim, Sephardim, Ger­ after he became the Rosh Yeshiva of I tion he held for sixty-two years. Dur­ mans, Hungarians - they all learned Torah Vodaath and was virtually forced ing those years, he probably had a total together, argued with one another, to become a member of the Moetzes of two thousand talmidim in his class­ grew together, and became fast friends. Gedolei HaTorah (Council of Torah es, but there were many more than that, Rabbi Pam fit well into that environ­ Sages of Agudath Israel of America). He even many times that many, because his ment. He was totally positive about the once told this writer with a smile, "My direct and indirect influence radiated far essentials of Torah ; the rest did­ Rebbetzin has complaints against me. beyond the confines of his classroom n't matter. She says, 'Why did I marry you? Because and yeshiva. Torah Vodaath was always In 1943, Rabbi Pam married Sarah you were sitting and learning. Now you unique in that it accommodated Balmuth, who shared his passion for are busy going to meetings and making talmidim from many different Torah Torah and sensitivity. She exuded good speeches. You don't learn!"' His widely appreciated shmuessen may have seemed effortless, but he invested enormous amounts of thought in the topics and the manner of expres­ sion. He placed heavy emphasis on how a bachurshould relate to others: to par­ ents, peers, and eventually to a wife and children. His talmidim have always insisted that those who had attended his shmuessen seriously and regularly had far fewer shalom bayis and other inter­ personal problems than others. For many years, his Chayei Sarah shmuess • attracted an especially large atten­ dance. In it, he spoke about the atten­ tion and sensitivity that husband and wife should show one another. Those who knew the Pams saw a living It hurts shmuess in their home. Their mutual devotion was in itself a shiur in shalom bayis. Hours before the r levaya, the Rebbetzin' s children were sur­ prised to see her at her board. She was ironing his kittel.,. it was her last o. opportunity to serve him. He always wore the same . The Rebbetzin had knit­ ted it for him and he treasured it. It feels better just to talk about it. That's It was not that he saw middos tovos why we're here. Our staff is made up of caring and sensitive individuals. Together, (fine character) as divorced from learn­ we can help you explore your options. We ing; he always made clear that hasma­ can refer you to recognized professionals da (diligence) in is the for counseling, legal advice or help in finding a safe environment. We can also source of good character. He had a way put you in touch with some very special of focusing on points that were impor­ . But in order for us to reach out to tant, but often eluded others. A former you, you must first reach out to us. talmid who was soon to begin his Confidential Hotline 1.888.883.2323 teaching career confided to Rabbi Pam (Toll Free) that he was worried that he would not 718.337.3700 do well. The night before the beginning Do it for yourself. (NYC Area) of the school year, Rabbi Pam called him to say, "Don't worry. You will do well." Do it for your children. Shalom Task force 1s a 501 (C)(3) charitable organtzct1011 The fledgling rebbe was moved and

10 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 buoyed. He is doing very well. When Rabbi Pam was older and not as strong as he used to be, a younger Rosh Yeshiva in Torah Vodaath urged him to stop attending so many weddings. "You have been to thousands of them. It is enough." Rabbi Pam answered, "For me there have been thousands, but for the chassan, it is the only one:' Before the summer, he would remind his talmidim that if they were in camps or similar surroundings, they should come to meals on time so that waiters and busboys would not have to put in extra time and effort because of them. And before bein hazemanim, (interses­ sion), he would urge his talmidim to be helpful in the house, to be available for shopping, and to be prepared with divrei Torah at the meals. That sort of sensi­ tivity filtered down to talmidim and their families. Especially when the talmidim knew it was coming from a man who, in the midst of his final illness got out of a car and walked back up the steps of the yeshiva, because he had forgot­ ten to say goodbye to the janitor who was mopping the floor. His relationship with talmidim was remarkable. In Rabbi Akiva Eiger's let­ ters to his students, he never addressed them as ta/midi (my student), for he would say, "Who knows which of us learned more from the other?" Rabbi Pam, too, spoke of his talmidirn as "my friends." No doubt they cringed when they heard it, but he meant it with all sin­ cerity. To a ta/mid who asked him to be rnesader kiddushin (officiate at his wed­ ding), he inquired, "Is there anyone else that your family had in mind for this?" The answer was that his parents had spo­ ken about the Mattersdorfer Rav. "If so," said Rabbi Pam, "he should be mesader kiddushin and l will come as a friend." In many public addresses and private conversations, he made it a point to refer to R' Avrohom Biderman and R' Gedalia Weinberger, his loyal talrnidim and ser­ vants in heroic acts of chessed, as "his friends." Although his English was perfect, he spoke Yiddish exclusively in public, until he became Rosh Yeshiva and he

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 11 responded to the change in the Torah segulos (good omens) that will help pation was essential. And Rabbi Sherer community, for whom English was the assure happy lives for them. What bet­ and then Rabbi Bloom knew that Rabbi mother tongue. His sense of respon­ ter segula can there be than to make Pam was ready whenever called upon, for sibility prevailed, and he became an a smaller, simpler affair, and use the whatever the need. English orator. Similarly, at the last extra money for Torah and chessed." He surprised his own family and oth­ HaShas, Madison Square Gar­ That was typical of his emphasis. ers by saying even as a young man that den was completely sold out and Agu­ Instead of decrying the negative, he he prayed he would be able to teach dath Israel needed to open a second emphasized the positive. Why do Torah for at least sixty years. Sixty years! venue; it was very important that a something "\Vrong or neutral if you can How unrealistic! Bnt he did it. Until the major Rosh Yeshiva participate in the do something right and constructive? end of his life, he turned the unrealis­ designated place, Nassau Coliseum. It tic into reality. was taken for granted that he would Advice, Counsel, and Direction One of his bywords, especially in his volunteer. The cause mattered; the later years, was from the prophecy of public image factor did not exist. abbi Pam was always available for Chaggai (2,4). Hashem commanded The first time he spoke publicly in advice and encouragement. No the prophet to exhort the leaders of English was at a large kin nus his' ore­ Rone will ever know how many Israel to encourage their people to rus (inspirational gathering) for young men and women discussed their shake loose from the dispiriting bonds women on Asara b'Teves. He told this shidduchim with him, and, with their of exile and proceed with the building story: doubts eased, left his home or office for­ of the Second Temple. Everything was When he lived in East Flatbush, he tified with clarity and confidence. When stacked against them, but the word of knew a very simple couple, who this writer and Rabbi Meir Zlotowitz Hashem insisted ''.Asu, ki Ani itchem - turned out to be not so simple after all. spoke to him about the projected Do! for I am with you." Before their fiftieth wedding anniver­ ArtScroll - later to become the Schot­ The last ten years of his life focused sary, their children came to visit, tenstein - , he listened, probed, on the plight of children from the For­ with a plan. "When you were married, suggested, and gave his warm encour­ mer Soviet Union in Israel. At the you couldn't afford a hall or a catered agement. Whenever people came to him National Convention of Agudath Israel affair. You had barely a minyan pres­ with something for the benefit of Torah in 1990, he spoke movingly at the ent. For your golden anniversary, we study or Kial Yisroel, he was as thrilled Thursday night plenary session about will make you the catered simcha that as if his own children had suggested it. how tens of thousands of children - you never had, for the whole family When he undertook something, he including immigrant children - are ben­ and all your friends." gave it his all - that was part of his sense efiting from the Chinuch Atzmai Torah A few days later, the parents asked of responsibility for the cause rather than Schools. At the same time, he bemoaned the children to come again. Their the person. He was not happy when the hundreds of thousands of such chil­ father was the spokesman. "All our Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetzky forced him to dren in the Holy Land who are receiv­ lives we could never afford to give become a member of the Moetzes Gedolei ing a public school education that not tzeddaka the way we wanted to. Ha Torah- first, because he undoubted­ only fails to teach them the heritage of Instead of a big catered affair, we will ly did not consider himself qualified; and their grandparents, but poisons them invite the children and grandchildren second, because it would take away time against the teachings of the Torah. He said to our house, and your mother will from his learning, his talmidim, and more. Prophetically, he said that the polit­ make a meal the way only she knows Torah Vodaath. But once he became a ical future of the country will be in the how. Give us the money you wanted member, he served with dedication and hands of the Soviet immigration. Emo­ to spend, and we will distribute it for effectiveness. In later years, when it was tionally, he said that we must provide tzeddaka." difficult for him to attend meetings, the them with a Torah chinuch - and it is Rabbi Pam concluded, "When we other members came to his home. "beyadeinu, in our hands. We can do it!" marry off our children, we all look for Reluctant he might be, but his partici- There was a hardly a person in the hall who thought that his call was any­ thing more than inspiring oratory. Realistic? Of course not! In our hands? Not against the power of the state and without funding or personnel. For careful attention to your Later that evening, a small group of baalei battim convened a meeting, and individual needs, call us today! pledged a total of $50,000 in response (845) 354-8445 to Rabbi Pam's plea. They presented him with their decision the following day,

12 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 and Shuvu/Return was born. The organization has enrolled 12,000 chil­ dren for the current school year, and is eliciting horrified editorials from the secular press and politicians that there is a brain drain from the public schools to Shuvu. In the United States, he gave his full encouragement to Nechomas Yisroel, the "impossible dream" of a few young men who influence Russian children to attend yeshivas, and raise the money to pay reduced tuitions. Thanks to their efforts, thousands of such children are being saved for a life of Torah. In his eighty-eight years of inspiring life, nothing matched the example he set in his last public appearance. He was determined to attend the summer fundraiser of Shuvu, organized by his "friend" Avrohom Biderman, in the home of another "friend," Gedalia Weinberger. He was deathly ill, barely a shadow of himself, but he knew that his attendance would help raise more funds, funds that would mean another Shuvu school, another summer pro­ gram, another battalion of youngsters in the army of Torah life. With the Rebbetzin's understanding and approval, the arrangements were made. He was brought in a hospital bed, accompanied by his physician and ­ zolah volunteers. The bed was carried into the house and placed behind cur­ tains. Rabbi Pam was painstakingly lifted into a chair, behind a table. The curtains were parted. He spoke. The assemblage responded. This man of indomitable spirit told Avrohom Bider­ man that he had prepared a lengthier drasha, but decided to save some of it for the Shuvu dinner in February. Feb­ ruary? To him, medical prognostications and hopeless test results were mean­ ingless. If Hashem Yisborach would give life, Rabbi Pam would use every last breath in His service.

e is no longer with us, but his example is. His exhortations H are. His unfinished work awaits us. His memory inspires us. Do, for I am with you! It is beyadeinu! •

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 13 Rabbi Avrohom Yaakov Hakohein Pam ?"~t AREBBE FOR OUR GENERATION

Rabbi Yisroel Reisman Photo: Michael Mordechal Dorf--""""'- n the Shemoneh Esrei, we recite the I. "DONT TEACH GEMORA, a missed shiur by learning from beracha of Al Hatzaddikim, asking TEACH TALMIDIM'' sefarim, but shmuessen must be heard I Hakadosh Baruch Hu to protect our personally." tzaddikim - the righteous men and the efore I began teaching at the His shmuessen were unique, in that elders of our People. As part of the Yeshiva, I met with Rabbi Pam their content varied greatly. One week, beracha, we request v'sim chelkeinu B7""lll, and sought his guidance. At a shmuess might contain a thought on imahem, asking Hakadosh Baruch Hu the end of one of our conversations, I the Parasha, a lesson in honesty, or a dvar to place our lot with theirs. The most presented something that troubled me: halacha. Another week it might present basic interpretation of this beracha ''Occasionally, we see Rebbe'im who are a pilpul of the Beis HaLevi, or rules of would be that we are asking that 'burnt out,' who no longer have the fire dikduk. The shmuessen varied, but taken Hashem allow us, too, to achieve their that is necessary for successful teaching. together, the shmuessen sought to devel­ levels of greatness. How do I make sure this doesn't hap­ op a complete personality. As a teenager, I understood that, for pen to 1ne?" A favorite topic was nekiyus hadibur, me, this request was somewhat unreal­ His answer, typically, was brief but to encouraging his talmidim to speak in a istic. I therefore chose to concentrate on the point. fine way. He would express himself in a different interpretation of these words: "Some Rebbe'im teach Gemora. They a style I've never heard from other Hashem, I realize how distant I am from are in danger oflosing their sipuk (sense gedolim of his stature. the greatness of tzaddikim and chas­ of satisfaction). Don't teach Gemora ... "Words like 'crazy' or 'stupid' should sidim. But still, sim chelki imahem, teach talmidim. Focus on the person, not never pass your lips." allow me the opportunity to be in their the subject." "The courtship should not end after proximity, to have a connection with This was a self-description. Although marriage.'' their greatness. his shiurim (lectures) were fully focused "When you were dating, you were For the last twenty-three years, vir­ on the limud (lesson) - during the two careful to speak pleasantly. Should that tually all my adult life, Hashem has years that I was privileged to attend his change because you are marriedl?" blessed me and my chaveirim at Yeshi­ shiur, Rabbi Pam allowed his shiur to Simple messages, which need to be va Torah Vodaath with a special zechus: lapse into divrei mussar only once - our heard more often. the opportunity to absorb the teachings Rebbe's concern was to develop the Bachurim in the Beis Hamidrash of our Rebbe, Moreinu Harav Avrohom talmid as a total hen Torah. had a discussion regarding the English Pam ;m:i7p>1'1"0t. The privilege of v'sim His Erev Shabbos shmuessen were his word for Gehinnom. Is it proper to use chelkeinu imahem was something we primary vehicle for this. He saw the word? began to take for granted. shmuessen as the crucial ingredient in a They resolved to ask Rabbi Pam. The It was a lesson of bein adam l'atzmo, Rebbe- Talmid relationship. "I spend following conversation ensued. of personal integrity; to act purely, exclu­ more time preparing a shmuess than "Rebbe, fhere are some words that are sively in keeping vvith one's convictions. preparing a shiur." not really 'dirty' words, but they are He would often tell us, "If you mnst sometimes used as curse words ... .'' Rabbi Reisman serves as Rav of Agudath Israel of Madison in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, miss a day of yeshiva, I prefer that you "What do you mean?'' and says a shiur in the beis n1idrash of Mesivta miss a shiur, rather than a shmuess "Well, um, you know, there are some Torah Vodaath. (hashkafa session). You can make up words that have an innocent meaning,

14 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 but some people consider them

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 15 As we were leaving, Rabbi Avrohom back cover. (Rabbi Pam enjoyed learn­ Talansky, a member of the Yeshiva ing teshuva sefarim. His personal notes staff, approached us. He had heard of my contain many pages of she'eilos that question. He told us that Rabbi Yaakov crossed his path and the sefer in which Kamenetzky had been asked the she'eila, he had come across a p'sak.) We learned and had responded in the same manner. through two other teshuvos before My heart sank. I thought our walk heading back to Yeshiva. home was lost. It was a wonderful experience> but Rabbi Pam politely thanked Rabbi quite unusual. During the walk back to Talansky and then - together -we went Yeshiva, I gently asked Rabbi Pam what Rabbi Yisroel Reisman with Rtibbi Pam to his home, where we learned through had prompted him to walk home dur­ home that day for a Simchas Yorn Tov. the teshuva. It was exactly as he had said. ing the hakafos. Was he unsure ifhe had Rabbi Pam had spoken of dedication to Rabbi Pam's Meishiv Davar was full remembered the teshuva correctly? learning, and in particular, mentioned Reb of notations. Numerous teshuvos were Rabbi Pam answered that the Zalmen of Volozhin's mesiras nefesh in marked off; he had listed others in the bachurim from the dorm had visited his traveling a distance to look up a teshuva. He explained, "Initially, I could not remember the teshuva. It disturbed me that, at that moment, I didn't plan to go home to check the teshuva. I had just spoken about this! This is why I had to walk home to check the sefer. "A person must always be honest with himself."

t is difficult to adequately express the impression that this conversation I had on me. It was a private n1oment on a quiet street, as we walked in the rain. Rabbi Pam spoke very seriously, as if to impress the importance he attached to this trip. I felt as if Rabbi Pam had lifted a to reveal a facet of his han­ LORADO ROCKY haga (private code of practice). Over the years that followed, I was to MOUNTAINS feel that this was a primary dimension A summer Project of Yeshiva Toras Chaim/Den¥ of Rabbi Pam's greatness. He was always thinking, acting only with an incredible ':Prtrexliig cot. e:;ccitiY()JrWco1L presence of n1ind. During a crisis, AT THE BASE OF THE ROCKIES where others would fall into a state of confusion, he acted with a calmness that FOR BOYS ENTERING GRADES 7-9 comes from a life well planned out. O A Yeshiva Environment In a shmuess on nekiyus hadibur, O A Learning Experience Rabbi Pam was listing words that O Shiurim by Devoted Rebbeim "should never pass your lips." Most of O A Real Camp Adventure the list was familiar. But this time Rabbi Pam added a new word to his list: O Overnight Trips in the Rocky Mountains "whatchimicallit." ( "Velecheh sort vort is O Experience of the West dos!?") 0 WEEKLONG EXCURSION TO YELLOWSTONE/ We \Vere surprised. "VVhat's wrong GRAND CANYON NATIONAL PARKS with 'whatchimicallit'?" Rabbi Pam explained, "A person :For 11tore ixfvl71UltiVK, a:x a:frflica:f!iJK, or a: broclom: cOK6 should never speak, unless he knows Rabbi Chaim I'Crkowski, Director what he wants to say ...." 303-534-5559 • 303-629-8200 ext.33 He spoke about kavana (concentra­ 303 tion) in bentching. If you know that ii;;;,t,%<;1~

------~ ------~- 16 The Jewish Observer, December 200 I ELOQUENT &SOFT SPOKEN Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

ne. of my most everlasting dishonest.) Rabbi Pam informed me impressions of Rabbi Pam ?"lit that the middle-aged man told him Owas the time some 25 years ago, that he was struggling in yeshiva, when he walked into the yeshiva for and Rabbi Pam's trust in him was Shacharis. A 10-year-old child had inad­ a turning point in his life. With tears "Nodeh Lecha" has seven phrases that vertently taken Rabbi Pam's seat, in his eyes, Rabbi Pam said, "Reb begin with the word "v'az;' or that which was in the middle of the room, Yakov, imagine how things might "Yaaleh V'Yavo" has four phrases begin­ notatthe "Mizrachwall." As Rabbi Pam have turned out if I had reacted ning with "v'zichron;'you will find it eas­ entered, wearing his tallis and tefill­ more severely!" ier to have kavana as you list them off. in, several older bachurim went over Rabbi Pam encouraged us to con­ tribute our time and energy for the ben­ The message is the same: Do things to the child to remove him from their efit of kla/. He asked us to donate 10% with presence of mind. rebbi's seat. Too •fate. Rabbi Pam called the boy back. He moved his tallis of our time to help others. learning Rabbi 1<"1"'nl, the bag to one side of the shtender with a weaker ta/mid or volunteering Rosh Yeshiva of Mir in Yerushalayim, (Torah Vodaath has two-seat shtenders) for J.E.P. were not viewed as bittul Torah, would remember his conversation with and, for the entire davening, shared but rather as an integral part of our Rabbi Pam. "He spoke with mesinus his seat with the ten-year-old child. This growth as b'nei Torah and contribut­ (calm control), without an extra word was the chinuch that we received from ing members of Kial Yisroel. When many in his sentences. It was then that I under­ our rebbi. No ra'ash, no aish, only the yeshivos switched to an 11-month sched­ stood what en1unas chachamim means, kol demamma dakka, eloquent, soft' ule, Yeshiva Torah Vodaath continued to give a two-month bein haz'manim, because I could see that Shechina med­ spoken words, of kavod haTOrah and kavod habriyos. and Rabbi Pam advised us to become aberes mitoch gerono, his words res­ counselors in summer camp during those onated with the influence of the Divine efore my first speech on the topic of at-risk teens (at the Torah Ume­ two months. He would point out (as Presence." Bsorah Convention nearly seven Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetzky ?"lit had Under the crushing burden of the years ago), I visited Rabbi Pam, and asked pointed out} that Yaakov Avinu, Kial and the needs of so many talmidim, him for guidance. He was silent for sev­ Moshe Rabbeinu, and David HaMelech his manner remained unhurried. In eral moments. Then he told me a story, had served as shepherds. This was their times of greatest crisis and upheaval, one A sixty-five-year-old man had training to be leaders of Kial Yisroel. could not imagine Rebbe in a state recently approached him at a sim­ They learned to over each sheep - and realized .that one sheep, if not remotely resembling behala ( confu­ cha and thanked him for treating him with dignity and respect when supervised properly, could lead many sion). This was his teaching: every step others astray. He said (as did Reb Yaakov) was taken with purpose, every word was he was a teenage tafmid in Yeshi­ va Torah Vodaath more than five that nowadays, the best training for weighed and measured, every gesture decades ago. Rabbi Pam was proc­ a future mechanech and parent is to with cheshbon hanefesh (deliberation). toring an examination, and he be a summer-camp counselor. This phi­ observed this bachur reading losophy may explain the involvement Ill. BAAL MELA CHA ACHAS someone else's paper during the test. of so many former Torah Vodaath Fully expecting to have his paper talmidlm, now in their forties and fifties, hen a chaver of mine began confiscated for "cheating" and to in the forefront of kla/ work - in askonus and chinuch. teaching in Mesivta, others be sent out ofthe room, this young ebbi offered his original expla­ advised him to be sure to safe­ man was startled when Rabbi Pam W nation as to the reason that Chaz­ guard his own personal growth by leaned over to him and whispered, "If you are having trouble reading Ral compare mechanchim to stars. keeping sedarim in other mesechtos. a question, please ask me for He said that the light of the stars does Rabbi Pam saw things differently: "A help. I will be more than glad to not reach us on Earth until several years Rebbe must be a baa/ melacha achas, a read it for you." (This story is all the after it was emitted. Speaking to edu­ man with one mission; to teach more remarkable when taking cators, he encouraged us to remember talmidim. Your entire focus should be on into consideration Rabbi Pam's that we should. not become frustrat­ that limud. In all my years of teaching, lifelong abhorrence for all things ed when we put our love and devo­ I never had sedarim in other Mesechtos . tion into our talmidim and talmidos - Rabbi Horowitz is the -Menahel of Yeshiva during the yeshiva z'man." and don't see instant results. With the Oarchei Noam of Monsey and serves as Program passage oftime, the light we now shine This was his shita (governing prin­ Director of Agudath Israel's Project Y.E.S. (Youth upon them will illuminate their lives. ciple): to be a Rebbe, to the exclusion of Enrfchment Seivices).

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 17 anything that would distract him. Rabbi then called and told me that he felt I Pan1 gave an evening alumni shiur, as should not refuse. As I began to explain well as his shiur in the Beis Hamidrash. why I felt I could not agree, I heard a These mesechtos would be the focus of click on the other side. Reb Yaakov was his life. not giving me a choice." He was reluctant to buy a house, for I often felt that Rabbi Pam shared this fear that the responsibilities would dis­ highly personal conversation with us, tract him from his melacha achas. Dur­ precisely because he wanted us to ing the 1ast twenty-three years, I cannot understand that his involvement in remen1ber him taking a vacation once. areas outside his teaching was something He was offered a rabbanus position that he did with great reluctance. His pref­ would not conflict with his teaching erence would have been to remain a baal schedule, but he declined. "I wanted to melacha achas.) be a baa! rnelacha achas." In 1997, Rabbi Pam discovered that For most of his life, he avoided he had a serious illness, and would need involvement in public life because his surgery. During a visit, he 1nentioned focus was on his teaching. It was only that when he began teaching, he had in the early eighties that Rabbi Yaakov been mispallel that Hashem grant him Kamenetzky 7"'11 literally compelled the zechus to teach for 60 years. I shud­ Rabbi Pam to take a greater role in dered as I realized that in 1997, Rabbi tzorchei tzibbur (communal concerns). Pam had already taught for 59 years! I (Once, in obvious anguish, he complained, "Why only sixty years?" remarked, "Reb Yaakov hung up on me!" He responded with a smile, "Zechtzig When I asked him what he was refer­ yohr iz shlecht!? (What's wrong with 60 "You heard this after 59 years of teach­ ring to, Rabbi Pam responded, "! was years!?)" ing. "fo you, sixty years seemed too few. invited to join the Moetzes Gedolei Recently, Rabbi Pam's eldest son, Reb My father mentioned this to me many HaTorah, but declined. Reb Yaakov Aaron, made me see things differently. years ago. At that time, the thought of

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18 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 A TALMJD'S SIMPLE LESSON Rabbi Yosef Chaim Golding his is the story of a ta/mid. The story words of chizuk and mussar, I is probably no different from approached him to thank him and wish Tthat of any other ta/mid of Rav Pam. him Good Shabbos. Isaid, "Rebbe, rt's been I'm sure the details would change, but many years since I've been to your Fri­ the impact he had on all his talmidim was day shmuess." He smiled, and in his char­ the same. He was our Rebbe - and we acteristically friendly voice said, "Why not loved him. We looked into his simple eyes try and make it more often?" and felt the warmth. His unassuming f wish I had. demeanor could melt away the most com­ *** plex problem. This was his essence. When I was contemplating mar- I rememberthe very firstshiurour class riage I had no one to. confide in, from attended. We had prepared for several whom to seek advice. 1 SO the Rebbe invit­ days, learning as many mefarshim as pos­ ed me to his home one evening to dis­ sible. We would be ready! cuss this decision that had lifelong ram­ And then came the shiur. The Rebbe ifications. I knew this wouldn't be started reading the Mishna. And then the simple. Rashi. Rash I'? We were too advanced for After putting me at , he asked me that, weren't we? He asked us why Rashi three yes-or-no questions in a span of a used the language he did -why the four minute or so, to which. I answered all in words instead of two. None of us had the affirmative. He peered at me above teaching sixty years seemed to be an thought of this. What a seemingly "sim­ his classic , smiled, and said, "So ple" question. Yet, the rest of the shiur what are you waiting for?" incredible request. Who teaches for sixty was based on this Rashi. He had taught Twenty-seven years and a few grand­ years?" us all a simple-yet basic- lesson for life. children latern"lr.l, I gratefully look back Rabbi Pam began teaching at the age *** at that night and realize how simple that of 24, while still a bachur. At that point, His Friday shmuessen also seemed sim­ decision really was. sixty years is a lot. This was Rebbe's plan ple. He would put on his grandfather­ *** from the beginning: to devote his life to ly eyeglasses, ever so slowly ... lean over In the early days ofJ.E.P., the Rebbe his talmidim. the shtender and look through his index would always give us - especially Rabbi Rabbi Pam actually continued to give cards ... and begin. One week, on Par­ Mutty Katz, J.E.P.'s director-chizuk in our shiuruntil last Shavuos; sixty-three years shas Kedoshim, he seemed to have dif­ difficult but important task. When I left ficulty choosing a topic. He kept flip­ the day-to-day work of J.E.P. and began of talmidim. ping through the cards, and tried to hold my career with its parent organization, back a chuckle while he peered at us Agudath Israel of America, my sessions Malach Hashem through his glasses, saying, "Kedoshim. with the Rebbe became less frequent. Where should I start? There is just so Some ten years later, a kiruv oppor­ fter teaching for a number of much to choose from." And. then he tunity presented itself to me, where I and years, I really missed the inten­ spoke for the next hour on just three others felt it could possibly have a far­ Asity of learning on my own. I words: .in>r.>v 1'Wn j7Tll:l-Judge every­ reaching impact on a wide range of Amer­ wanted to take a year off from teaching, one favorably. The lesson was his ican families, bringing them closer to Yid­ and return to Kolle/. Last summer, I trademark, meant to last a lifetime. dishkeit. I had assumed that Rabbi Pam Almost thirty years later, I was in Flat­ would be thrilled, so I asked him for his called Rabbi Pam and presented my bush on a Friday and heard that, despite beracha. plans to him. Rebbe's frailty due to his illness, he would H.e listened intently as I described the Rabbi Pam was not happy with me. be giving a shmuess. I eagerly attended potential program and how wonderful "Once you begin teaching, your focus and watched as he walked into the Beis this would be. His verbatim response: "Why should no longer be on your personal Midrash Kattan of Mesivta Torah would you want to leave Agudas Yisroel? growth. You are a Rebbe, responsible to Vodaath unaided, except for a shopping Do you know what the United States talmidim!" cart that he used to help him walk. His would look fike without the Agudah ?. You He then said something (quoting the voice was weaker but now there was a are already fulfilling your tafkid (life's mis­ Sefer Hamikneh) that caught me com­ microphone system set up for him. sion). I cannot give you my beracha to An hour later, after absorbing his warm leave." pletely by surprise. Chazal teach that a End of story. Rebbe should have attributes of an angel: Rabbi G~ingwasa co-founder of J.E.P. and since 1981 has been Development Director for Agudath It was as. simple as that. "Im harav domeh l'malach Hashem Israel of America. One of his_ responsibilities is sel1fo My father had recently been niftar, yivakshu Torah mipihu." ing as Managing Editor of The Jewish Observer. i .

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An angel cannot experience person­ al growth. He is called an omeid, a stag­ nant creature for whom growth is not possible. A rebbe, too, must be willing to ignore his own ability to grow, and focus on his talmidim. People Speak I was shocked. All of the mussar sefarim that I had studied ridiculed a by CHAIM WALDER stagnant person, an 01neid. Could a Rebbe find it acceptable to be an omeid? Popular author Chaim Rabbi Pam replied that Gedolim sac­ Walder has done it again, but rificed their own growth for the sake of this time, the author of t11e talmidim. He quoted Reb Boruch Ber, noted "Kids Speak" series is who told his talmidim, "Know that if it aiming at adults ... and he's were not for you, I could have studied right on target! all areas of Torah - and mastered them! In People Speak, adults dis­ It is for you that I sacrificed this. I beg cuss the issues that concern you to make sure that my sacrifice was them most: childrearing, trou­ not in vain!'' bled teens, a teacher's trials, This was Rabbi Pam's way. Sacrific­ adoption, becoming a ba'al ing everything to succeed as a teshuvah, shidduchim, and mechanech. much more. But whatever the The irony of it was that he grew most topic, you're in for a wonderful of all. treat. True, uplifting stories - full of human struggle and resolve, Grateful wisdom, insight, and inspiration. uring the final three weeks of his People Speak: It's guaranteed to enlighten and life, Rabbi Pam was in the hos­ entertain you - from first page to last! D pital. Many dozens, perhaps Available ot all Jewish bookstores or direcl from hundreds, of talmidim passed through the hospital room to offer a tefilla in FELDHEIM PUBLISHERS their Rebbe's presence. J5 Torah Literature of Quality A nurse was n1oved by one man, who Toll Free: 800-237-7149 • www.fetdheim.com •Ask for our catalo was davening with particular fervor. As

20 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 he was leaving, she asked him, «What are you to Rabbi Pam?" His response spoke for all of us. "Grateful."

*"

At the end, Rabbi Pam was sur­ rounded by a few dozen talmidim, who had been davening at his side for the last six hours of his life. As the Seder Sh'chiv Meira was being completed," Shema Yis­ roeI'' was recited. The talmidim closed their eyes in concentration. At" Ee had," the heart monitor stopped. Rebbe had breathed his last. Yatza nishmaso b'Echad. The Gemora tells us that the greatest of the Tannaim passed on as he recited "Echad." In Rebbe's case, he was no longer conscious; it was the talmidim who had said" Echad." How fitting for a whose entire life revolved around his talmidim!

e daven, and continue to say v'sim chelkeinu imahetn. But Wno\V, with a new meaning. Our Rebbe had a unique vision of what it means to be a hen Torah. "V'sim chelkeinu imahem: Please Hashem, give us the courage and siyata d'Shmaya to be counted among those who are wor­ thy to be called talmidim of Rabbi Pam!' Y'hei zichro baruch. •

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~ Respond via mail, fax or e-mail: ~SH Discovery 805 Kings Highway Brooklyn, NY 11223 - HATO~r Fax: (718) 376-2702 E-mail: [email protected] ?J,:li.~ Formoreinfonnation call (718) 376-2775ext:10 THE WORLD OF BAALEI TESHVVA We often read about how secular Jews, as well as those with only teshuva, in particular in the search for shidduchim. Even more dif­ a vague religious bend, discover the world of Torah and mitzvos, as ficult is when the prospective baa! teshuva is married, and his or they explore and ultimately accept the life ofa committed Torah Jew. her partner is not moving in the same direction or at the same pace. And we greet their tnetamorphosis with astonishment, admiration, In addition, difficulties can emerge when seeking to find one's place and a touch ofcelebration. in the frum sodety. In fact, there is much we can learn from the sense of discovery, The readers' understanding of these dilemmas, the role they can freshness, and remarkable dedication that baalei teshuva bring to their play in helping the individual baa! teshuva resolve them, and the avodas Hashem (serving G-d), as has been pointed out in these pages. limitations non-professionals may have in this area can make us all The road to becoming a baal teshuva is, ofcourse, not without more compassionate- and thus more effective- as friends-in-need challenges and pitfalls, as well. Some of the most difficult of these for those engaged in these struggles. The articles that follow will emerge during the post-yeshiva/seminary years ofthe mature baa! acquaint the reader with the details of such valiant journeys. &t~ Seenes from the JourneS' Home Debbie Maiman A. WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF SYNC until sundown, the day had zero spirit and get stuck like this? I wondered. Find a hotel? zero meaning. I couldn't wait till it was Get out and walk? Leave the car and the (As told by Fran N.) over. luggage to be vandalized? were on our way to Monsey So here we were, ready to try Shabbat "It's not like they won't let us in the or Shabbat - Jeff and I, with a new way, with a religious family where door if we come late;' Jeff said. W:Penny, who's 12. The boys had the atmosphere would bring out the "That's not what I'm worried about. opted to stay behind with friends. serenity and spiritual ener­ I don)t want to be sittll1g ll1 Although I had been the driving force gy of the day. But the trip this car on Shabbat." behind this expedition - Jeff was in a was fraught with tension ~·r don't see an option. good-sport n1ode, and Penny can1e on from the outset. The boys It's after 7:30 already." board for the adventure - along the way griped about our going "Let's get off the high­ I became deflated. away without them) even way at the next exit, so if It had seemed like such a good idea. though they were invited­ we have to walk, it won)t be Our whole family had been to a Gateways even urged - to con1e as dangerous.)] seminar a half a year ago, and we'd all along. My husband was "Walk? Listen, honey, loved it. Jeff's an intellectual and loves a half-hearted about the that's going overboard:' meaty discussion. He got caught up in whole thing. And at the last "Mon1, vve can't! We some of the lectures about science and minute Penny threw a fit don't even know where we Judaism and was very intrigued. The rit­ about having to change are.n ual aspects of religious Judaism, howev­ her outfit to something "I mean it, Jeff. Take this er, did not interest him, as they did me. more suitable to a reli­ exit right here. I'm getting After our second seminar, I had begun gious environment. out before Shabbat." to observe Shabbatas best as I could. Try The angst-level rose as we hit heavy "That's lunacy. We've got another to visualize Shabbatin a house where Sat­ traffic.As we passed Exit 160 on the Gar­ three, four miles. What are we going to urday is all about high-decibel noise- ball den State Parkway, I glanced at my do with the car?" game blaring... ear-splitting music to watch and a shock went through me. I had no clue. Now it was 7:42. In two wash the car by ... telephones ringing, True, we had gotten a late start, but how minutes it would be Shabbat. I'd been doors banging .... Even if I could have had time jumped ahead so? learning about the sanctity of Shabbat. managed not to do anything forbidden «Yikes, we're not going to make it;' I high-voltage spiritual charge, courtesy of Mrs. Maimon lives in Monsey, NY vvith her hus­ turned to Jeff. He shrugged. a Divine mandate, from the first to the band and children. An elementary school teacher "We'll still be on the highway at 7:44," last split second. All excuses except life­ for many years, she now devotes much of her time I said. or-death inadmissible. Violate at your own to writing for various Jewish publications. Her "Can't be helped:' risk. article, "Making My \Vay Ho1neward," was pub­ lished in Jan. '00. What do religious people do when they "Jeff, pull over to the side, I'm getting

24 The Jewish Observer, December 200 7 out." I unlocked the door. He looked at area became residential, and sidewalks highway, due to my"lunacy."That I would me in disbelief and thumped down the appeared. willingly embarrass myself - and him - control button on his side. "Mom, I think Daddy's going to be over what he saw as religious extremisn1 "No you're not. It's dangerous and it's furious;' Penny broke the silence as we had deeply upset him. It felt terrible to be absurd. Fran! Is this what you want to walked along. so out of sync. Would he and I ever be on teach the kids- throw safety to the winds "He'll cool off over Shabbat, Pen. It'll the same page again? for some extren1ist nonsense? be okay:' Penny looked at me distraught. I tried But would it? Stung by Jeff's deep dis­ *** to lighten up for her. "Darling, you know approval of the choice I had made, I was I'm a big walker. I'll get there before you, torn. I knew some painful scenes lay ahead n marriage, more than in any other I bet." Jeff, a person to whom dignity was so relationship, strong differences of "But I want to co1ne with you!" important, would never embrace a I opinion on matters affecting one's "Penny, stay right here!" Jeff was lifestyle that made one appear ridiculous deepest feelings, can severely test the rela­ determined to save us from my foolish­ - as he had been made to feel on the tionship. The challenge may be greatest ness. He wouldn't stop the car for us. Then Providence intervened. Someone unex­ pectedly cut ahead of us, forcing Jeff to brake. I unlocked the door and scooted out. Penny lurched out with me, clinging How Can We Possibly_ Reach Out to my arm. I smiled down at her tremulously and to Millions ofAssimilated we made our way hurriedly to the shoul­ der of the road. Jeff slowed the car to a Jewish Parents? crawl and followed alongside us. "Fran, This is How! for Heaven's sake-!" he yelled through the window. A police car flashed his lights behind him. Jeff brought the car to a stop. An officer got out of the car and ques­ tioned Jeff while Penny and I waited. Then the officer came over to me. "Well written and essential "Having some kind of trouble, ma' am? at this time. To Kindle a Soul Is this man bothering you?" will be of inestimable value." "Bothering me! No, no, officer! He's just - I mean - we're ... fine!" -HaRav , Sh/it ·a "Fellow claims he's your husband. Says you had a little quarrel and he's trying to persuade you and the kid to come back "A gold mine of thought inside. That true?" provoking research and gifted "Well, yes, I... ah ...." How to explain this bizarre situation! My daughter came insights into successful child­ to the rescue. rearing." "It's just that the Sabbath is starting and we can't drive on the Sabbath, so we're -HaRav Noach Orlowek, Shlit"a walking the rest of the way." Eyeing Jeff suspiciously, the officer sug­ gested that he get on his way on the dou­ ble. From where I stood I could see the Available at Bookstores Everywhere flush of humiliation on my husband's face as, without a glance in my direction, he Haskamos from HaRav , Shlit"a, HaRav Chanoch took off. The officer then offered us a ride Ehrentreu, Shlit"a, and other Gedolei Torah available from the publisher. in the police car, which we graciously refused. We asked and received directions A New Kiruv Tool from Targum/Feldheim/Leviathan to Monsey. He got back into his car and To Order Call 1-800-538-4284 to our embarrassment, cruised alongside us until we reached the turn-off where the

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 25 when husband and wife find themselves understood as we would like to be. It takes gion, but rather the relationship;' agrees on two different tracks in religious com­ a tremendous amount of emotional matu­ Rabbi Jonathan Rietti, a noted outreach mitment. This is especially true when the rity, on both sides, as well as respect for the professional with extensive experience in couple started out with shared viewpoints, other's boundaries, to bridge the gulf. marriage counseling. 1'Where there is love, and one spouse then moved on and "All too often, the emotional depend­ sensitivity and respect, religious needs and adopted different values, as often happens ence of one partner translates into feel­ differences can be negotiated:) In essence, in the teshuva process. ings of being threatened by the other's it's no different, he said, than if a husband ''A certain degree of estrangement is spiritual growth, or lack of it. There is the and wife were told by their doctor to fol­ unavoidable when spiritual feelings can­ need to keep the partner on the same low a certain exercise and diet regimen, not be shared," said Mrs. Adina Frage1; a page, if not the very same line on the page. and one religiously kept to it, while the prominent therapist who has coordinat­ Then the issue is really one of control, other did not. ed training programs for therapists treat­ which can be toxic to any relationship." "Can you see a good relationship ing an Orthodox clientele. "There's a lone­ "When interest in Judaism destabilizes crumbling over something like that?" liness. There's frustration at not being a marriage, the issue is most often notreli- Ruminations

he warmth and security of an extended family circle is a blessing "Jj).th much gratitude to the y"l!)l1 il"J. ':i·N'i i1Ni1il1 nJ.111) Tmany of us take for granted. What YESHIVAS CHOFETZ l"i1il'i 1llil ;innw N'in J.'iJ.1 can replace a doting Bubby and Zaidy, CHAIM- TALMUDICAL ;iim •imw':i c•J.i nJ. il>1VJ. affectionate aunts and uncles, close-knit cousins? Who else can we count on to u•wiin n•J. nn•no ';y ACADEMY of BALTIMORE respond with pride and joy to our chil­ takes pride in announcing dren's milestones and accomplishments? the arrival ofour \V11>Ji1 n'l "Send me the kids for Shabbos, Leah, and just rest up," is a magic offer one can Rosh HaKolle;;;;aJZaM;;;;{ ?Ni>J\V n:li:J hope to receive only from a parent or sib­ ling who truly loves us and our children. "The absence of family is often felt Jechter, Jtita D"n ynn nl'W' '"YW most painfully at the time of a simcha;' distinguished Talmid of 1Nn"JJNl1 notes Rabbi Braun, dean of Yeshiva Ohr Mir Yerushalayim and Lakewood Somayach of Monsey. ''A young couple wi;n;i n•J. 1VNi 'iw 1mp•o nnn connected with the yeshiva had their first child;' he recalled, "and the excited father ']1Je look forward to the opening of called his parents with the news. BAIS MEDRASH "l"\~' )"'~ "Dad! We get a maze! tov! Rachel had ~ll\?''7'V "'\?)'V a little girl!" BIRCHAS SHMUEL "Very nice. Congratulations," was the under the personal leadership c•':iww im l1l'1V' 1nom tepid response. and guidance of i11j)"'ii i11J.l 1Viill il'J.1 The young wife phoned her mother. "Mom, guess what?! We had a baby - a 'R.r!J ~chechter 'iNmw miJ. "" 'iw 'i'i1'il 1VN1 little girl!" D"n yon nJ.'1V' '"YW "And how do you expect to support a This Bais Medrash will offer a deep child with your husband still in that yeshi­ commitment to the personal development imJ.1 i1nJ. ';) 1•i;;i; ll'l1J.'1V' ni\ln va?'' came the cold rejoinder. of each carefully selected bochm; "Unfortw1ately, simchos are often a time within an atmosphere of 1'ii1 mn '!l) of heightened stress for families of baalei Yiras Shamayim, Ahavas Ha Torah i1Ni'il1 ilimil •nnJ. ';y 1m':iy;i'; teshuva;' says Rabbi Braun. Inevitably, con­ and reverence for learning NJ.O 'iNi1V' nnJ.1 '1V'N )!l1NJ. flicts and halachic questions arise over family members who have been invited to Full room and board available N':in i1i'01 il'l'.l'l!l attend, but insist on driving over on Shab­ bos, or bringing along non-Jewish spous­ es or relatives. Baalei teshuva often find To request an ,application. please call \!!111);1 n•J \!1~1 DY 11\!lpn• D'l"llYIJn themselves in a related dilemma, where Rm Schechter at 410-653-5655 (410) 653·5655 :~U)\!I pm• Jin their presence is expected at an event that 0 - '

26 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 they are halachically forbidden to attend, haters right under your own roof one tionship there. Uncle Phil, Grandma, such as an intermarriage. day!" And he was lashing back with, "How Grandpa ... My kids love them. They have "Family relationships have ruptured are you different from a racist bigot like so little extended family as it is. From my over these issues," said Rabbi Braun. "It Louis Farrakhan? You call this religion? wife's side, it's a pretty bleak picture. Her is one of the most painful sacrifices baalei All you know is hate!" parents were divorced years ago and her teshuva have to make. For that alone, we I got up suddenly on the pretext of mother's remarried to a non-Jew. They're should stand up for them." making a phone call. I mean, my hands barely interested in my wife, never mind "It may take a few years, but often, for­ were shaking. Phil and I were once close. her kids. giveness and reconciliation do eventual­ I was the one he came to when he got VVhen my son, Ahron, turned six last ly come about, especially between siblings busted in college for some crazy shenani­ week, he called up Grandma and Grand­ who were once close," said Dr. Prager. gans he did. I was his role model - not pa and invited them and Uncle Phil to his "After a while, the bond of love overcomes always a good one, maybe. But he turned birthday party. When he got off the phone the hurt, and allows healing." on me with such venom, it's like we never there were tears in his eyes. "They say they had anything between us. can't come because Uncle Phil's wife is not B. THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG Here's the clincher. A couple of days allowed to come;' he said. The kid was so DISTANCE RUNNER later I get a one-line note from him. It says, hurt. He was trying to understand. Don't "The Nazis must have hated Jews because his grandparents love him enough to (As told by Shimon (Sean) Z.) of Jewish bigots like you." It was signed, come anyway? What does Phil's wife have 'll give you the facts but you'll have to "Your ex-brother, Phil:' The crowning to do with it? Go explain that to him. imagine the emotions yourself. It's still touch came a day later. My mother called Maybe it's all for the best, because I a raw wound. Too raw for me to get and said, "Sean, if you don't show up to Ahron is getting older and Phil is defi­ into the how-do-you-feel-about-that your brother's wedding, I will never speak nitely not a role model for him. He buys aspect of it. to you again." him all kinds of things that are not appro­ I had begged my younger brother Phil, So I went to my Rabbi to ask a she'eila. priate for yeshiva kids. He takes him aside when he told me he planned to marry Maybe, to keep the family from splitting when he's here for a visit and teaches him Yvonne, not to do something that would up, it might be permitted in this case ... ? Heaven only knows what. cut us off from one another. "Your kids The answer came back unequivocally, in I'm always secretly throwing out or won't be Jewish;' I told him. "It's one of the name of Rabbi Pam ?··:.r. "A Jew is not "losing" the stuff he gives them - the most destructive things you can do allowed to celebrate an intermarriage:' dinosaur books, bionic people) Batman as a Jew." Period. Finis. End of discussion. comics ... I get rid of them when my kids Such talk-don't marry"out" -is con­ The wedding took place a couple of aren't looking. It was getting to be a real sidered racist to the western liberal mind. months ago. Since then, I've been ostra­ problem. (I know- I've been there.) So Phil gives cized. But that's not the worst part. The But on the other hand, not to have any it to me but good -the whole nine yards. worst part is the effect it's had on my kids. family at all, except for your parents - it He lets me know how disappointed in me You have to understand, there was a rela- feels so alone to a child, so sad. All his the whole family is for abandoning the values 1 was raised with - tolerance, diver­ sity, brotherhood of men, all that hype. Thinking of Moving for Jewish 6rowth Opportunities? He lets me know that to surrender to the emotional blackmail I was trying to pull full Service Community on him, would destroy every last bit of his •Healthy Job Market self-respect. •Affordable Housing Lastly, he informs me that the most •Nurturing Community serious cut-off will not be the cut-off •learning Opportunities between him and me, but between me and Begin •Shomer Shabbos Medical Residencies my entire family, because no one in the •Community Activities family will forgive me for allowing reli­ gion to drive a wedge between brothers, Tbin~ing,. Total Torah Community and for trying to destroy his happiness. •Cheder •Bois Yakov We were sitting in a restaurant and had Milwaukee •Yeshiva Gedola •Kollel to keep our voices down) but pretty soon, • • Eruv things were spiraling out of control. I was •Wisconsin School Tuition Vouchers firing things at him, like, "You marry this for Qualifying Families person and you're destroying Jewish ihennanParkJewish Initiative continuity You cOLtld be raising little Jew- The Torah Communify ofRabbi Michel Twerski invites your interests 1·800-226·3129

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 27 classmates have cousins, aunts and uncles, teshuva. To protect the privacy ofthe parties, properly? Why didn't they show any inter­ family get-togethers .... What child names and identiJYing information have been est in their father's dvar Torah? One of the wouldn't feel a void? I feel it myself I know changed. children, a 10-year old boy, on occasion we'll get to the finish line and it'll be glo­ t was their second session that start­ refused to come to the Shabbos table alto­ rious, but right now ... it's the loneliness ed out with the mother-daughter gether, even for Kiddush. They never knew of the long-distance runner, you know I tension so thick you could cut it with whether to force him to come, or forbid what I mean? a knife. The father was present, but tend­ him to come in the future, as punishn1ent. ed to take a peacekeeping role from the Why didn't her children realize the Shab­ C, RECIPE FOR REBELLION sidelines. bos table was a privilege, not a burden? Although the conflict appeared to be The oldest child, Gila, was a lightning The following account, adapted from the over religious observance) the friction rod for her mother's anxiety. Their once notes of a therapist who specializes in work­ between parent and child was more close relationship had turned stormy. ing with teens, casts light on some ofthe issues about teen independence vs. parent con­ Ahnost every attempt at communication especially relevant to families of baalei trol. The daughter, a ninth grader, was between mother and daughter led to out­ rebelling against what she felt were unfair bursts of anger and recrimination. restrictions on her clothes and activities, To keep open the lines of communi­ while her mother was insisting on parental cation, I suggested a role-playing exercise authority, grounded in Torah obligation. that might bypass toxic emotions, According to the mother, the conflict enabling important understandings to get had spilled over to the daughter's high across. Mrs. Glazer had had a pivotal meet­ school, where the administration had indi­ ing with her daughter's principal the day as cated they had doubts about whether to before. I had since spoken to the princi­ accept Gila back the following year. The pal myself and was apprised of what had serving infan_~/toddlers girl was crushed - but also defiant. She transpired. I asked if we might replay that insisted that the rules cramping her life conversation for Gila. & their famiUes 1 were mostly ' chumraS:' which she was not I took the principal's role and Mrs. obligated to keep. She accused her moth­ Glazer replayed her own end of the con­ er of not sticking up for her, of siding with versation. The 111eeting was re-enacted the teachers who didn't like her. impromptu, more or less as follows: What complicated matters was that "Mrs. Glazer, I asked you to come down both Mr. and Mrs. Glazer, while devoted because Gila's behavior has raised son1e parents, lacked sufficient knowledge in concerns that really must be resolved. Torah to lay down halachic guidelines for You're aware of the issues I'n1 referring to?" their children. As baalei teshuva who had "I don't really feel I have the picture:' never had the privilege of a yeshiva edu­ "Well, it's like this. Gila is a wonderful cation, they found themselves at a disad­ girl and a good student, but the teachers vantage when it came to asserting their feel that in certain ways, she has not authority on matters that touched on allowed herself to be molded in the derech halacha. Their children's knowledge clear­ of our school. I'm referring to certain ly surpassed their own. Often a kind of role aspects of her appearance, as well as to her reversal took place, where the children dis­ conversation - comments ru1d re1narks she puted or corrected their parents, a hun1- has 1nade:' bling and painful situation for the parents. "Do you mean .. . chutzpah? While their love for Yiddishkeit per­ "No, no. There's no problem with meated their ho1ne, made even more derech eretz. It's ... well - take her vibrant by the sacrifices each had made appearance. She wears the school uni­ in reclaiming their heritage, a by-prod­ form but somehow, she always manages uct of that love was an anxiety about cre­ to look conspicuous. She'll have a flashy Evaluation & Therapy are available In the ating a perfect Torah home for their chil­ chain- at the or some kind of prlvocyafyourhome ,f(Jia{df.I oratourcenter

28 The Jewish Observer, December 200 I gotten through. She changes this or that '"That's not at all what I'm saying. Please temptations? Think about the fact that it's detail, but the overall effect has not real­ don't take this the wrong way. We really current events she's talking to the girls ly changed. She seems to relish being do like Gila. What we're discussing here about, not about dirty books or movies different. Do you understand what is the need for her to make some very def­ or some other garbage. You think she I'm saying?" inite changes. What I'm trying to find out couldn't get her hands on that stuff is she "I. .. suppose so." is whether we can get Gila to blend in bet­ vvanted to? ''.And the comments that come out of ter with her classmates a) in outer appear­ "So she wears flashy accessories. Do I her! r mean, concerning current events and ance, and b) socially, in her interaction like it? I don't. Arn I happy with her hair­ issues that are out of bounds as far as we're with them:' style? We have arguments about that, too. concerned. Not that there's anything "You want a total personality And we have plenty of other issues. But halachically wrong with it, but it's certainly makeover?" for once, I want you to understand that not the kind of education parents send "Mrs. Glazer, try to understand-" here is a girl who has had been tested in their daughters here for:' "But I don't understand, Mrs. Fried­ ways that most other girls in this school "Can you give me an example?" man. I'm not saying my daughter is per­ have never been. And here is a girl who "One day it was about a weird cult in fect. But the part of her you don't like - has stood up to the test and made choic­ China that's in the news. Gila knew about her being different-is the part of her I'm es that her teachers should be proud of her the strange beliefs of this cult and this kind proud ofl Gila's different because her par­ for!" of talk was going around the class. Then ents are different. To us, being different Mrs. Glazer broke off, choked with there was something about cloning a is not a crime or a curse. It's a necessity. emotion. There was total silence as Gila human being! Where does she get this The courage to be different is what made stared at her in astonishment. Then came information, Mrs. Glazer? I assume this us able to fight our families and our soci­ one of those rare moments we yearn to is not table talk in your home-" ety and make so many sacrifices to see, when the power oflove cuts through "I can't say we don't discuss such things, become frum!" all the bitterness and disappointment. Gila but generally not in front of the children:' "Mrs. Glazer, please sit down - I did­ reached out and gave her mother a hug. "Does she have access to newspapers, n't mean to offend you." "Ma, I'm sorry;' she whispered. They magazines?" "I can't help it - I'm sorry for losing hugged and cried a little together. "Not in my home." control like this. But I want you to try to Through the discussion that came "Well, she's getting this exposure from understand what it's like for my daugh­ afterward, it turned out that Gila's trou­ someplace. Aren't you concerned?" ter. All her relatives and her cousins are frei. ble at home was not spilling over into "Yes. But - are these the worst topics There's never been a single family get­ school as her mother had told me, but she's brought up?" together when she hasn't been faced with quite the reverse. The girl's sense of hav­ "Aren't they bad enough? very difficult moments. Is she were less ing been branded a problem by her teach­ "Well-I-" strong in her Yiddishkeit, if she didn't 'rel­ ers and having her appearance and her "Look, Mrs. Glazer, the very fact that ish' being different, to use your word, do every action scrutinized) was causing her we have to worry about what she'll come you think she would have withstood the to act out at home. Feeling disliked and up with next is a problem in itselfl We have an obligation to our parents who expect our school to be an extension of their own hashkafos. That's why they send their Jonah's Inc. daughters to us:' "What are you trying to tell me, Mrs. Friedman? That you plan to kick my daughter out because she talks about cur­ rent events?" • We make and jumpers, solids "I said nothing about kicking her out. and plaids, from size 5 thru But, I want you to understand - we do junior and pre-teens have a problem here, and we can't ignore it any longer. And as I tried to explain, it's • Bais Yaacov made from not one specific thing-it's the whole pic­ our own custom made ture." (extra heavy) material '"The whole picture?' But just before you told me that she's a good student, never a problem with derech eretz, a won­ derful girl. - Now it's the whole person that's a problem?"

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 29 miserable, with no one to advocate for her, frumkeit. "I feel like you're always meas­ tions with her children on matters of reli­ she reacted by estranging herself emo­ uring how much or how little I'm doing;' gious practice, and that her monitoring of tionally and kicking up a fuss over religious she told her mother. "Like if daveningtakes them went overboard. issues - which was both a way of blam­ me 10 minutes, you think I skipped half "I want to give my kids the chinuch I ing her mother and a cry for help. of it. And what if! was in a hurry and did never got from my parents. All I want is Once the Glazers were back on track skip some things? It's not the end of the for them to be frum. But I feel like I'm with one another, they were able to work world. I can't always be perfect:' missing the right touch, because it's through important issues. Gila began to so .. .it's like pulling teeth. Getting them to realize she might be happier in a school Mother's "Perfectionism," School's Rigidity daven and bentch ... It's a battle of wills. where there was more openness and more "I remember the Shabbos tables of the tolerance of diversity, and that switching n some ways, she said, she felt that her families I was close to when I was becom­ schools was not a strike against her, but mother's ('perfectionism" mirrored ing frum. I remember the enthusiasm, I a healthy option. I the school's rigidity. At a later session remember it being fun. It's different in our We also discussed Gila's feeling that her with just the parents, Mrs. Glazer admit­ home. The spontaneity is missing ... It's mother needed to be on of her ted that her anxiety clouded her interac- like the main ingredient was left out of the recipe:) "There's spontaneity, all right;' her hus­ band said dryly. "Ever see bedlam that's not Subscribe or give a gift of spontaneous?" Mr. Glazer was critical of his wife's met11ods of being mechanech the children. Tire Jewish Obseroer His approach was to set a good example and rely on the tendency of children to emulate their role models. He preferred and $ave! to overlook behavior and religious laps­ WHY NOT GIVE OR GET A PRESENT es. Mrs. Glazer felt her husband's laid-back THAT WILL l.A.'"\T AN ENTIRE YEAR? approach 'vas too extreme, but agreed to Subscribe, or give a gift at these reduced prices take a closer look at her expectations of and The }eiv·ish ()bserver- filled \.vith the views her family. Intellectually, she realized the error of holding them to an unrealistic of leading Torah thinkers on current issues- will he standard, of using the "perfect" people and delivered each rnonth, directly to your door. "perfect" lives of their frum role models lbe longer you subscribe for, the larger your savings. as yardsticks to measure her family's suc­ Of course, this offer is unconditionally guaranteed; cess or failure. She also began to under­ stand how excessive pressure extinguished you 1nay cancel at any ti1ne and receive a refund for the joy children naturally experience in all undelivered copies. doing mitzvos, and tended to spark con­ So order today, and the very next issue \.vill he on trariness tO\\'ard religious performance. its '\.'ay to you as soon as possible. Over time, as she worked on becon1- ing more flexible and letting go of anxi­ ety about her children's religious obser­ 0 YES, l want to take advantage of this 1noney saving offt~r: Enter 1ny order as follows: vance, she noticed that her daughter was :i NE\\" more willing to accommodate her school ll'il •rn;J~lDE OM.\ 1;0,1_ in terms of its "unwritten,, rules. Gila was Add res~ 0 ;~ y<>ars Con~r Prirt> $105 Your cost $60 $96 beginning to see these rules not in religious City ___ 0 2 yt'ars Covrr Prirr. $70 Your cod $44 168 terms but as the school's particular 0 I year CoYer Prire $35 Your cost, $24 $.)6 State _____ Zip ----- and behavior code that she could adhere Q Send gift l'anl from: ______to without renouncing her uniqueness. Towards the end of the year, she was begin­ Charge my: :l MaslerCanl 0 VISA ning to rethink her decision to transfer to 42 Broadway, 14th Floor, New Y01-k, NY 10004 The Jeu-ish Ob,;emer i.J pubfohnl munthl) ncep! ,/1tl,\' mu/ Augus!. Acr·ounl No.------~ another school as it meant leaving behind Please <•)'""'"l mu•t he mad•· in t.S. dol!urs, eitlwr by dierk Another issue that came to the fore at Signatur0 drawn on a bank in llw li.S.A. 01 \,,- l/.'i:I ul' M,1ol••rCar.! one of our later sessions was Mr. Glazees

30 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 acknowledgement that he felt that his lack motivation which far surpasses the norm. "returnees" agree that the greatest of all of Torah knowledge was hurting his rela­ "While many people have great diffi­ the dividends the frum community enjoys tionship with his children, and that he had culty in relinquishing their opinions even from having mevakshei emes in our neglected his own learning for too long. when shown the truth, baalei teshuvahave midst, is their implicit challenge to all of "It was always one thing or another that taken 'graduate degrees' in the field of intel­ us to do more than pay lip service to our got in the way. One thing we didn't take lectual and e1notional honesty," notes love for Torah and its power to ennoble into account when we were first n1arried Rabbi Mordecai Swiatycki, a maggid - but to demonstrate it authentically in our is what happens when your son reaches shiurat Ohr Somayach, who also gives pri­ own lives. • bar-mitzva," he said. "You look at him with vate counseling. "They are the real mevak­ such pride, you watch him get up in that shei emes, seekers of truth." new hat and say his pshetel and you have For many seekers, the driving force to hold back the tears. But there's a sad­ behind their return to Torah was precisely ness there because you can't follow a word this yearning for the truth, for the clarity of it. You had to ask the rabbi to help him between right and wrong. It is a force that write it and practice it. And you \vonder: brooks no compro1nise. Should you have dropped everything back "The same courage that enabled then, and sat in a yeshiva and learned for them to break ties with the familiar and a few years? the safe, and to plunge into uncharted "If someone had only said to me then, waters in search of truth, can sometimes 'Dave, one day you're going to tum around lead to absolutism, where one sees and find a beautiful young man who hap­ almost every issue in black and white pens to be your own bar-mitzva boy, and terms," re1narked Dr. Melech Press, what you're going to want most in the chair of the psychology department of Specializing in small batim for a perfect fit. whole world is to be able to sit down and Touro College. "Part of becoming inte­ learn Torah with him.' grated into the mainstrea1n frum com­ "But who could have imagined such a munity is learning about the complex­ HAT PLUS thing then? We were just finding our way. ities, the multi-faceted nature of halacha, • Shi_rts • Ties •Accessories Working without a blueprint. In some and the alternative roads to pursuing \vays we still are." what is right:' Your#J Stop "It also means realizing that Torah, for Reflections while being technical, precise, even 'sci­ Quality Hats

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The Jewish Observer, December 2001 31 THE WORLD OF BAALEI TESHUVA Rabbi Yakov Horowitz LIFECYCLE SUPPORT FOR THE BA 'AL TESHUVA FAMILY ver the past several decades, tens THE BEGINNING OF THE answer segment of the workshops, or pri­ of thousands of previously unaf­ TORAH-OBSERVANT LIFECYCLE vately, after the lectures, unique, ba' al Ofiliated Jews have become ba'alei teshuva-lifestyle-related questions come teshuva through the outstanding work of a'al teshuva institutions and pro­ up. And they are difficult to answer: kiruv organizations and outreach profes­ grams have perfected the art of find­ sionals. Numerous yeshivas in Eretz Yis­ Bing and bringing out the Pintele Yid FAMILY RELATIONS roel and around the world have imple­ in aspiring b'nei and b' nos Torah. They have mented programs designed to reach the the skill and experience to know exactly t is a fortunate development when a prospective ba' al teshuva. These pro­ which blend ofrational reasoning vs. faith­ ba'al teshuva couple are able to relate grams have all delivered spectacular based hashkafa (philosophy) should be I happily and harmoniously with their results - indeed, a veritable teshuva rev­ presented to potential ba'alei teshuva to non-Torah-observant relatives. Obvious­ olution. It is one of the remarkable suc­ open their minds and tl1eir hearts to ly, this is not always the case. The ba'al cess stories of the past half-century. accepting a Torah-based lifestyle. These teshuva may be the only Torah-true Jew in The vast majority of ba'al teshuva pro­ institutions are experts in guiding prospec­ his entire extended family. There is often grams and ba'al teshuva-oriented institu­ tive ba'alei teshuva to adopt the behavioral very little support from family members. tions, however, focus on the beginning of changes of a Torah lifestyle in careful incre­ Sometimes there is open hostility or the ba'al teshuva lifecyde: transforming the ments. On the other hand, there are the antipathy on the part of their non-Torah­ unaffiliated Jew into a hen or bas Torah. many well-meaning individuals who sim­ observant relatives, or at best a resigned There is very little "lifecyde support" for ply don't have these critical guidance skills.' acceptance of the Torah-observant couple's the ba'al teshuva individual who has been Happily, many new ba'alei teshuva are particular brand of"fundamentalism:' 1brah-observant for ten or more years, and able to make the leap from a secular to a Although elements from the past are is now raising a family- with adolescent Torah-based lifestyle successfully at the often left behind when making the tran­ or -age children. Those who are time. To this set of new Torah Jews, the sition from a non-Torah-observant to a fortunate to have attended a well-ground­ Torah-observant community has been Torah-observant-lifestyle, there are some ed ba'al teshuva yeshiva and continue to increasingly accepting and nurturing over aspects of their previous lifestyle and rela­ live in that community generally have the the past 20 years. These individuals are usu­ tionships that cannot or perhaps should long-term assistance and support they so ally single and in their early-to-mid-20s. not be forgotten. These range from the desperately need. Others are able to find Often, their Rosh Yeshiva is able to help strategic to the mundane, across a spec­ a local Rav or Rebbetzin with whom they them find their mate and see them to the trum that includes how to relate to their can bond and develop that special rela­ chupa. If not, they are able to enter tl1e dat­ parents (who are, after all, their FFB chil­ tionship that enables them to receive guid­ ing scene, replete with community-based dren's grandparents) and how to deal witl1 ance and direction. But even those couples shadchanim, singles weekends, and other the visiting family members during the are but one relocation away from dissolv­ organized activities aimed at helping sin­ couple's simchos. Even trickier is dealing ing the life-saving rabbinical support that gle Torah-observant people meet each with the extended family members as the is critical to the stability of their family­ other under the proper circumstances.2 ba'al teshuva couple's children grow into possibly leaving them with little guidance After the chasuna, after the first sever­ adolescence ( Simchos. to go, or not to go? and direction. Worse yet, they may come al years of marriage, after the first few chil­ What if my sister marries a gentile? What to rely on the advice of well-meaning indi­ dren start to grow up and attend yeshiva, ------·- 1 I vividly recall spending some tin1e ten years viduals who have little or no experience in however, the ba'al teshuva couple, now - ago with the talented and dedicated faculty men1- guiding ba'alei teshuva. to external eyes-settled community mem­ bers of Ohr Somayach of Monsey discussing the bers, are often still dealing with unique progress of a ba'al teshuva bachur that I had Rabbi Horowitz is the Menahel of Yeshiva Darchei lifestyle issues, issues that the ''frum from become involved with. Over the course of sev­ Noam of Mo11Sey, and serves as Program Director eral 1neetings and phone conversations, I respect­ of Agudath Israel's Project Y.E.S. (Youth Enrichment birth" (FFB) may never have dreamed of fully, but forcefully disagreed with the reco1n~ Services). The author wishes to acknowledge the Having conducted more that 120 par­ n1endations they made. Thankfully, I had the efforts of Levi and Dr. Karin Kluger, who assisted with enting classes in communities around the good sense to follow their advice, against 1ny bet­ the preparation of this article. world in the past several years, I have ter judgment. With the benefit of hindsight - they Rabbi Horowitz is chairing a steering committee were I 00°/o correct in their assessment. dedicated to providing ba'a/ei teshuva families with found it painfully obvious that there is a 2 This article is of necessity focusing on the majority "Lifecycle Support:' More than 230 people attended great and vital need to provide meaning­ of ba'alei teshuvawho areir::l able to find their mate. the inaugural event-a full-day seminar held in Pas­ ful assistance to these wonderful, spiritu­ It is a sad reality that many ba'alei teshuva- as well saic NJ this past October 281h. Presenters included al couples in dealing with their unique as many FFB singles-are not able to easily find their Rabbi Shmuel Kaminets\...}'N:'~, and Rabbis Avro­ issues, as their families grow and mature. zivug and start a life together. We 1nust continue to hon1 Braun, Yaacov Haber, Shlomo Goldberg, and support the efforts of lnvei Hagefen and other such Yisroel Rokowsky. Invariably, during the question-and- organiz.ations who are assisting these singles.

32 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 to do on Thanksgiving Day? Or Grandpa's their FFB friends are packing up to spend the nuances and challenges of becoming ?oth birthday party? All the other grand­ Yamim Tovimwith their parents (After the integrated into the Torah world. children spend mid-winter or su1nmer third child, invitations to sedarim at FFB 2) While numerous publications deal break at Grandma's home in Florida. Why friends' homes seem to dry up). with becoming Torah-observant, the can't we go?) The list goes on and on. newly Torah-observant, and dating and ADOLESCENCE AND SHIDDUCHIM marriage issues, there is a woeful lack of CHINUCH AND YESHIVOS lectures, tapes, workshops, articles and ow that the children of the first books dealing with lifecycle issues for the e ba'al teshuva family also has a generation of ba'alei teshuva are ba'al teshuva. Our community and Rab­ tress shock when dealing with N reaching adolescence and shidduch binic leaders should recognize the oppor­ nTorah-observant schools for the first age, they are dealing with new issues that tunity to bridge the gap and fill the void time. Growing up in America, the ba'al require a great deal of guidance. with a rich selection of educational teshuva, particularly ifhe or she came from While FFB couples deal with the same options for the ba'al teshuva couple. an affluent, suburban area, perhaps went set of challenges, they often have a support We should identify specialists within the through an outstanding public school sys­ group consisting of extended family mem­ ba'al teshuvamovementwho can become tem. Funded with tax dollars, the Ameri­ bers. They also have their own life's expe­ "senior ba'al teshuva advisors." These can public school offered the pre-ba'al riences to help guide them. To the FFB, the leaders would have specific training in pro­ teshuva an education replete with free Torah and halachic dimension regarding viding advice to ba'alei teshuva on many music and art programs, low teacher-stu­ adolescent issues and the marriage of a of the above-mentioned topics. These spe­ dent ratios, extensive remedial programs, child is frightening enough. But the ba'al cialists would be available for consultation and a tremendous array of electives. Con­ teshuva has little guidance. There are no with Rabbanim as necessary. trast that experience with the typical yeshi­ books on this issue, no tapes to listen to, Lay people (and perhaps even Rab­ va, which, struggling with lack of funds, and no forums or formal support groups. banim) who do not have many years of can offer little in these areas. experience dealing with ba' al teshuva Ba'al teshuva parents living in com­ A CALL TO ACTION issues need to become aware of the fact that munities blessed with a large Jewish pop­ they should not be giving significant ulation often have a numberof yeshivas to ur community has invested many lifestyle guidance to ba'al teshuva families. choose from, presenting a variety of millions of dollars and tremen­ A growing cadre of trained professionals options. However, the parents in this situ­ Odous resources of energy in bring­ in the ba'al teshuva lifecycle field is need­ ation are often unfamiliar with the dis­ ing ba'alei teshuva to Yiddishkeit. But the ed to bring sufficient support for the ba'a/ tinctive attributes of the different yeshiva~ 3 process cannot stop with the formal ba'al teshuva couple, ensuring that they have and the nature of the admission process teshuva institutions. The process of becom­ adequate resources to call upon in time of to mesivtos for their 3th grade bachurim. ing a 'successful' ba'al teshuva is not a need or concern. Furthermore, as their sons (and daugh­ one-, hvo-,or five-year process. It is prob­ ters) mature beyond 4th and 5th grade, ably not even a 25-year process. It is a life­ A SACRED G!Ff,AND A SACRED many ba'alei teshuva find themselves cycle process, and it might very well take OBLIGATION intimidated by the prospect of learning two generations to be truly successful. We with their children. This is a significant need to follow several guidelines to ensure he Ribbono Shel Olam has given our issue that must be dealt with. 4 that success: generation a great gift - the thou­ 1) We need to create awareness within Tsands of sincere, committed, ba'a lei YAMIMTOVIM our community that we must help accli­ teshuva and their children. We must do all mate these ba' al teshuva families. just that we can to assist our brothers and sis­ amim Tovim (and Shabbosos) can be because a ba'al teshuva family has four or ters lach'sos tachas kanfei haShechina - to a source of stress to the ba'al teshu­ five kids and "seems to be doing all right" find shelter under the Wings of the Y va couple as they struggle to learn the does not mean that they have mastered all Divine Presence. • halachos and nuances of these special times of the year. Many newly-married ba'al 4 May I point out a possible solution that we imple­ What are the Torah's Guidelines for teshuva couples often feel rather lonely as mented in our Yeshiva to assist ba'alei teshuva par­ financial success? ents, or parents who simply don't have the back­ Read- 3 For exainple, I am vig~rously oppo~ed to ha;~ ground to learn with their sons: I just started a series ing ba'alei teshuva parents send their sons and of weekly, half-hour Sunday mornii:1g shiurim in "WATCH YOUR WEALTH" daughters to Yiddish-speaking yeshivas- if they 1ny yeshiva for fathers of boys for each grade above A Targum/Feldheim publication grade 4- that covers the limuditn that the rebbi of (If you cannOt afford to buy a copy at; your focal do not speak Yiddish then1selves. In my opinion, booksti:Jreo, we can loan You one by mail.) this virtually guarantees that the fathers and that grade will be learning that week All of the sheets and handouts that the rebbi uses in class are given Yeshiva Fund mothers will never be able to learn with their chil­ BOX82 dren. I am well aware that many of my colleagues to the fathers during the shiur. Ibe shiurirn are deliv­ would disagree with me - as vigorously. ered by fellow (volunteer) fathers of that grade level. Staten Island, NY 10309

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 33 I

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WELL-INTENTIONED ERRORS right, through the eyes of the Torah. and those feelings must be taken seriously. Even questions which would seem to Too often the ability to trust one's own he Geniora tells us a revealing call for a purely subjective evaluation are instincts is a casualty of the transition of event which took place in the early not left up to the inclinations and prefer­ teshuva, with the result that even in per­ Tstages of Rebbe Akiva's growth. ences of the individual. Defining beauty, sonal issues the healthy input of internal "Rebbe Akiva said: 'At the beginning of my for instance, becomes a complex propo­ judgment is not part of the decision-mak­ study, I once chanced upon a "meis mitz­ sition when a lulav or esrog is concerned; ing process. va" (abandoned corpse) by the roadside. the Torah's requirement of"hadar-beau­ An obvious area where this is true is I strained for four parsaos (several miles) tiful -" is not left up to one's aesthetic shidduchim. In the years that I have been to bring the body to a cemetery. When I instincts. On occasion, the opposite is true: privileged to work with baalei teshuva, I came to my teachers and told them, they the esrog which you may consider "pret­ have been involved quite often in helping said to me, ''Akiva! Every step you took was ty" may be barely kosher by the halacha's a young man make a decision whether to like spilling innocent blood, because continue meeting a particular young a meis mitzva should be buried in the woman. What often surfaces is a ten­ place where the body lies:' At that time, dency to think that one's personal I resolved never to leave my teachers' instincts are not part of the decision­ side." ( Derech Eretz Zuta, ch. 8) Integration: making process, and in fact shouldn't This reaction of Rebbe Akiva to his be part of it. Although this is never well-intentioned error is probably articulated, the sense comes through familiar to all of us, but especially to that once a person becomes religious, the baal teshuva. How often the all that matters are good middos, prop­ halacha runs counter to what our intu­ HELPING er hashkafos, and the like. The role of ition would have dictated, and how a personal connection, on a purely easy it is to make an assumption about human level, is thought to be a con­ the right way to do things, only to dis­ cession to secular values, instead of a cover that the halacha says otherwise. BAAL EI vital component of the Hashgacha ely­ This is one of the most crucial, yet ona's design to bring tvvo neshamos painful, stages in a baal teshuva's together. development: the realization that in Considerable care is therefore the world of Torah he cannot follow TESHUVA BE required on the part of those who are his own hunches in deciding what is involved in this area of chinuch, to right and what is wrong. The aver- avoid this side effect of the teshuva age baal/ baa/as teshuva grew up in a THEMSELVES process. A clear distinction must be culture where there were no, or pre­ made between yielding one's judg­ cious few, moral absolutes. Very ment in matters of ha/acha, and often, society places pleasure and grati­ standards, while the real "m'hudar' could maintaining a secure sense of identity in fication as the only criteria for choices in be less than dazzling in everyday terms. The personal decisions. Tremendous sensitiv­ life. Even when a sense of moral cor­ more one becomes conditioned to the ity must be used to ensure that the growth rectness is sought, the main standard of world of halacha, it would seem, the less of a ben or bas Torah not come at the cost judgment is the dictates of his own con­ valid individual preferences become. of a diminishing of a personality. science: are you being true to your own sense of justice and decency? Suddenly, STAYING IN TOUCH OIBERAREAS OF having made a commitment to a life of WITH ONE'S FEEUNGS SIGNIFICANT SUBJECTNITY Torah, things are no longer so simple. He may very likely find that compared to the ucceeding in this transition is a mile­ onflicts similar to the shidduch sit­ past, he is having a much harder time stone in one's integration of Torah, uation described above may arise making decisions, because he no longer Sand perhaps could even be viewed as Cin other areas. Let us examine sev­ can think only in terms of what he thinks the watershed event in the whole process eral more common examples of this phe­ is appropriate, but rather what is really of teshuva. This success, however, is often nomenon. Rabbi Kokis is the Mashgiach Ruchani of Yeshiv­ accompanied by the seeds of a serious The question of spending significant as Ohr Somayach of Monsey, and Rav of Con­ problem, which, if not acknowledged and time in yeshiva and kolle~ or becoming gregation Zichron Mordechai. This article is based dealt with, can have a negative effect on involved in the world of parnassa (career), on a lecture delivered at a gathering of kiruvpro­ one's entire life. There are areas in life in confronts most b'nei Torah to some fessionals. He has also \vritten "Reaching Out, Reaching In, and Reaching," (JO Dec. '92) and which it is absolutely crucial that one be degree. But the guidance given to a baa/ "Seeds of Hope in Times of Chaos," (JO April '95). very much in touch with his own feelings, or baalas teshuva in this regard must take

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 35 into account that this individual is a prod­ his chasuna, since his family was not able saw no point in completing his studies, uct of cultural and educational influences or willing to be involved. He was paying since at this point he felt no desire to ever that, for better or for worse, played a great for a good part of his own wedding. In re-enter the academic world. The rebbeim role in forming his personality and atti­ addition, the plans for his oyfrufwere being of his yeshiva expressed misgivings at this tudes. Both external and internal factors complicated by his family's insistence that course of action, and suggested that he influence a person to define accom­ they would just drive in on Shabbos, since invest the few months of study to finish plishment in secular terms. Externally, the they didn't feel comfortable staying with his degree, and then continue learning, so values of one's family and friends create strangers who had offered hospitality. But that his options will be open in case the certain expectations; even more impor­ this was not what had caused his distress. need will arise at some future date to seek tantly, an individual learns to gauge his A kollel member who had in fact been very a teaching position. (It is important to note own fulfillment, and accordingly to feel helpful to the chassan as he progressed in that his field of study was not problem­ self-worth, in terms of career goals and his 1brah learning, and whom this bachur atic from a halacha standpoint.) material success. held in the utmost esteem, had scolded The talmid said that he appreciated his When the Hashgacha provides a young him sharply for being so distracted from rebbeimS concern, but it was clear to him adult with the opportunity to be exposed his learning in the days before his cha­ that he had no desire to be a college pro­ to Torah, there is a tendency to view the suna .... "Your kalla will lose her respect fessor, so he had no reason to stop learn­ previous years as being irrelevant to the for you!" was the message that he had ing. His Rosh Yeshiva then suggested that "new" person who is developing in the heard, from someone whose opinion they discuss the issue with Rabbi Shach, yeshiva. But in reality, while an individ­ meant an awful lot to him. ?··on, and the bachurquickly agreed, con­ ual sincerely admires and identifies with How unfair it was to criticize this sin­ fident that he would find total sympathy the emes (truth) and gadlus(grandeur) of cere young man, who was doing his best for his position, since Rabbi Shach's the Torah, and the rebbeim and senior to make his own chasuna, by applying stand on the primacy of learning over all chaverim who have become his role standards that would only apply to a else is well known. Much to the surprise models, this does not mean that he has bachur whose parents are taking care of of the talmid, however, the advice of Rabbi become a totally new person in the span all the arrangements! Shach was to finish his degree, and then of a few months. One cannot jnst on Of course, this doesn't necessarily devote himself totally to growth in Torah. a set of attitudes like a new suit of clothes. mean that baalei teshuva shouldn't dedi­ What is noteworthy is that this advice There are many underlying issues of self­ cate themselves to learning Torah in a seri­ was based on a consideration of the esteem that must also be dealt with, specif­ ous way. But it does mean that decisions unique issues that face baalei teshuva, and ically because he is a baa/ teshuva, before should be made carefully, with full aware­ would not be applied across the board to a total transformation has taken place. ness of the specific needs and capabilities the conventional yeshiva talmid. Thererore, there are bound to be a different of this individual Many times, peer pres­ set of considerations when advising a baa[ sure or a tendency to conform to con­ READY FOR MARRIAGE? teshuva in this regard. ventional norms, rather than measured It must be borne in mind that the chal­ guidance, seem to be prime factors in similar situation exists with con­ lenges that he will face will be very differ­ making major decisions, and nisyonos nection to son1ething which is ent from those facing other b'nei Torah and (tests and challenges) that could have been aken for granted in the Torah less emotional support is available to him, avoided are instead created. The obliga­ world: that as a young man or woman as compared to "conventional" yeshiva or tion of"eitza tova" (appropriate counsel) enter adulthood, it is natural and desir­ Bais Yaakov students. The latter grew up would certainly dictate that a mentor able that they plan on marrying and rais­ in a social and educational system that was should look to the long-range benefit and ing a family. This is no longer a given in structured to encourage and facilitate ded­ health of his or her talmidim. the general society, and in many cases, ication to Torah and mitzvos, and sacrifices It is crucial to note that this is the coun­ baalei teshuva were educated to look with made for that cause are generally supported sel that gedolim have taught. Take the fol­ disdain at this way oflife. A mechanech or by family and friends. It is so painfully dif­ lowing incident, for example, as related to mentor cannot underestimate the influ­ ferent for the baal and baa/as teshuva! this writer by the rash yeshiva of one of ence of"yuppieism" and Women's Lib on the major yeshivas for baalei teshuva in the attitudes of his students, and thought­ THE PERSONAL CONTOURS Yerushalayim. ful attention must be paid to the under­ OF LIFE'S CHALLENGES A ta/mid of the yeshiva had been study­ lying issues of sharing and responsibility ing in a prestigious European university, that are so crucial in establishing a suc­ everal years ago a young man and had a few months to go before earn­ cessful home. The stamina and under­ approached me a few days before his ing a Master's degree, which would vir­ standing that are so necessary for build­ Swedding. He was close to tears. He tually guarantee him a teaching position ing a strong relationship and raising had been under tremendous pressure to of his choice. Having become enthusias­ children do not suddenly form out of thin take care of numerous arrange1nents for tically involved in learning, however, he air when a young man or woman

36 The Jewish Observer, December 200 I becomes committed to Torah and 1nitzvos. that parents welcome the responsibility for The question must always be asked: Is raising children, devote their time and this individual emotionally ready for energy to this task, and view it as the marriage? Or is he or she responding only noblest achievement of their lives, is very on a mental, hashkafa (ideological) level far from the norm in secular society. Add to what seems to be the "expected" thing to this the beracha of large families that to do in the Torah community? Again, sen­ has become commonplace in our com­ sitivity to the personal dimension of chin­ munity, bli ayin hara, and you have a sit­ uch is indispensable, and will do much to uation that is, on the one hand, tremen­ avoid later complications and anguish. dously appealing to many baa/ei teshuva, An exceptional young man had but which also is totally different from become religious, and was learning most their own experiences and models. of the day in an established yeshiva for In truth, the warmth and stability of the baalei teshuva, while running a fumily busi­ religious home is probably the most ness for part of the day. He started the shid­ important factor in attracting baalei duchim process, and for approximately a teshuva, and the sense that our commu­ year was meeting young women, with no nities are ready and willing to become their success. After a while, one of his rebbeim "family:' But once they the thresh­ began to wonder: This young man seems old of their own home, and it becomes to have everything going for him. He's very their responsibility to create that warmth intelligent, sensitive, has a good livelihood, and security, they're on their own, to a a warm personality. Why isn't he con­ great degree. necting with the young women whom he's A very sincere and intelligent parent, meeting? The rebbe had an insight, and who together with his wife is coping with asked the bachur, "Tell me something. If the challenges of teenage kids, expressed you hadn't become religious a few years almost wistfully, "We kind of thought that ago, would you also be dating now with you become frum, and Hashem raises your intent to get married?" kids ...." In other words, their own The young man thought for a upbringing wasn't necessarily complete as moment, and said, "No, I wouldn't:' a model to follow, and the people all "Why not?" the rebbe asked. around seem to be having decent success The young man told him that several in raising large families, so it must '(just years before, he had ended a serious rela­ happen'' when you're following the Torah! tionship, and had been hurt very much by As we know all so well, it doesn't "just hap­ the break-up. He didn't feel emotionally pen." Tremendous work, sensitivity, and ready yet for this level of commitment. tefilla are necessary. But this awareness isn't "That's understandable;' the rebbereplied, always a given for a young man or 'but if so, how can you be involved in shid­ woman who is sincerely dedicated and duchim now?" committed to Torah, but may not be fully The answer was, that this is what you're aware of the emotional and attitudinal "supposed" to do when you're frum! But skills that will be so vital in the years ahead. 1. To believe that HaShem it was not yet where the young man was Perhaps the greatest gift that the com­ created and controls all, in his personal development. Once this munity can provide is to serve as caring 2. There is no other, point was recognized, he dealt with the mentors and models for this crucial task. 3. He is one, issue, and was engaged a few months later, 4. To love Him, and is building a beautiful home. have attempted to describe a 5. To fear Him, ew areas in which the integra­ 6. To avoid temptation. RAISING THE KIDS ... ALL BY YOURSELF W:ion of the baa// baa las teshuva into the world of Torah requires special en it comes to raising children, sensitivity. The common denominator is we dare not lose sight of the that young men and women must be W eality that many, if not most, taken seriously as people - both by their baalei teshuva grew up in a world that is teachers and by themselves - to ensure very different from the Torah communi­ their healthy and mature integration ty into which they are integrating. The idea into the fabric of Kial Yisroel. •

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 37 PnuelPeri

;<::: 1 ~T ~11

DECLARING FAITH IN BOSTON ''.And if you don't believe, well, it could challenges, in effect, of moral sub­ be too late." stance. However, an irony remains rowing up in a Boston suburb, I watched them watch PacMan before us all. For their part, their spir­ I was friendly with a boy who embark through a fresh, more intricate itual maturity not withstanding, the per­ Glived in a palatial home amongst maze of treasure, pills and spiders, and sonal imperative to declare one's belief other palaces on the outskirts of town, wondered what it meant to believe. They before dying would still be central to and I loved playing there for the swim­ were of the Methodist Church, an off­ their religious outlook, at least to the ming pool, exercise n1achines, table ten­ shoot of Protestantism, so their "belief" degree that it has always been so to nis and Nintendo video games. was rooted in Christianity, which was Christian theology. And for my part, my One afternoon, as my friend, his older utterly foreign to me. Death's mystery religion not withstanding, I would still brother and I played the video game and cruel inevitability, however, were have no idea what they were talking PacMan, we spoke, for the first time, of closer to home, and fear rippled through about were they to again ask me to religion. me as my friend and his brother played, declare what I believed. "What do you believe in?" they each apparently safe from being "too I would not be the only religious Jew wanted to know, their faces fixed to the late" at the unforeseeable end. I envied to be thus dumbfounded. A friend of my large video display as my friend guided them their salvation. wife's recently recounted being PacMan through an intricate 111aze of I will not now boast that in their approached in the center of Jerusalem treasure troves, energy pills and deadly broaching such an issue while immersed by tourists who needed directions. spiders. in video games, I perceived a spiritual Wanting to connect more meaningful­ I had no idea what they were talking shallowness that underscored our core ly, one of them asked, "Are you of the about. "What do you mean?'' I asked. theological differences. I doubt that my Jewish faith?" "You know. Your religion. What do own passion for PacMan was eclipsed "Why, yes,'' my wife's friend cordial­ you believe in?') for more than thirty seconds. I simply ly replied, but as they walked away from "Nothing, I guess,'' I said. envied them while knowing that for me, one another, she was struck by how alien They frowned at PacMan and shook alas, life and death could not be as neat seemed the notion of being "of the Jew­ their heads. •

38 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 e1nuna, is actually quite far from the texts revealing that the journey of a soul , the burial society, ever English it is assumed to parallel. Two that enters this world, assumes human present at catastrophes to retrieve Hebrew words that share the same root form, and then departs before emerging remains from twisted, blackened wreck­ as emuna are aman, an artist or crafts­ into life and drawing breath, is as myste­ age for proper burial. They seemed apart man, and u1nanut, art. Is the artist's rious and essential as the sometimes from the drama unfolding about them. laboring at his art, therefore, an act of painful journeys of the two through Soldiers rushed sternly past, barking faith? Ifhe is yet unable to support him­ whom it came. And so, with natural trep­ orders, the latest weaponry, communi­ self and his family with it, perhaps so. idation, they moved on, not blindly, mer­ cation devices and protective gear Essentially, however, the craftsman pro­ cifully numbed, their experience behind strapped to their bodies. The bearded duces art from an intimate place of them, but resolvedly, shrewdly sensitized, men had only tzitzis at their sides. Peo­ knowing, not of believing, and he their experience made a part of them; not ple were angry, anxious and afraid. The strives in his discipline because his skill with faith that everything would be men were poised, exuding the gravity of is real, his vision relevant, his passion alright, but with emuna that everything the task before them, yet essentially free tempered and lent expression through that had been had to have been, and of the affectations of alarm. The air was the cool, steady science that is his craft. everything that was thankfully was. thick with a fighting resolve to better The word omna, a pillar or column, defend and secure Israeli lives, yet no one is also of the same root as emuna. For SOARING ABOVE THE SIRENS' WAIL seemed more full of life than they who the artist, art is the pillar upon which had come for the dead. he stands within himself as he etches his erhaps more than private, intimate Gradually, it emerged that a suicide not insignificant mark upon the world. pain that swirls in and about men, bomber had detonated himself on the Punseen, the murder of more than curb outside of the bus, his poorly timed EMUNA-AN OVERARCHING FAITH two hundred Jews this past year in Israel attack injuring few and killing no one. Yet has tried the hearts of/ews the world over. a sense of helplessness before this par­ o the degree that emuna, the Jew's Recently, a journalist friend called me ticular brand of terrorism lingered with­ skill, discipline, vision and art of with questions as part of a survey on in me, and I continued staring at the men Tfaith, linguistically misses, nay Americans' resolve, or lack thereof, to in black to draw strength. betrays, its conventional English coun­ remain in Israel in light of the escalating "This is hardly the time to leave Israel;' terpart, the way in which the Jew intifada. I told my friend, the image of the men still embodies and employs faith in the face While we spoke, I thought of the before me. "On the contrary, more peo­ of tragedy and human pain, is equally ambulance sirens that had filled the air that ple should come. But I'm not talking unparalleled in the world. very afternoon as I was walking home for about having faith that we'll survive the Recently, a friend celebrated the lunch, of how I and others, following their violence. I'm talking about. .. " I paused, birth of a daughter by hosting a Shab­ waning din, ran up Highway Number I searching for the words. bos morning Kiddush in shul. There were along the edge of East Jerusalem, up past ''You know what?" I said finally. "I think words of thanks and of Torah, standard the Ma'alot Dafua and Ramat Eshkol that we should all join the chevra kadisha;' fare and hungry people, and I marveled neighborhoods, and then down a long and I described what I had seen that after­ at how normal it all was, how neither he highway entrance ramp into French Hill noon and explained that like the men in nor we seemed to bear any traces of the and a spreading sea of roped-back spec­ black, we have an essential, unavoidable tragedy that had befallen him and his tators. There we stood and stared at a mission before us) that means that, yes, we wife just over one year ago, when crossroads in the distance, well beyond the must stay, but not in the sense of hunkering toward the end of her final month they cameramen and journalists, police and down for war, confident that we'll get lost a child. emergency personnel, army men and sniff­ through these trying times. Rather, as How do people traverse the horror of ing dogs, where a bus, its windows blown members of the chevra kadisha, we must such a loss, the blinding shock after so out, its frame slightly charred, stood omi­ bend toward our grim task and gather the many expectant months, the wrestling nously alone. pieces of our broken selves, confident that with guilt, the going on with life, as a "How many have been killed?" we we cannot be confident, that we may not gaping void is slowly filled with other wanted to know, but people only get through these trying times if getting things, and then, with trepidation, try shrugged and craned their necks. through them to restore national securi­ again? I climbed atop a stone wall to watch ty and the flow of tourist dollars is our only More than faith or belief, introspec­ the bomb specialists, helmeted and goal. And for this terrible act of interring tion, contemplation and study helped pull heavily padded, working in and around ourselves, of facing fully what G-d is teach­ my friend and his wife through. Initial­ the bus, and my eyes fell upon men ing us about ourselves) we must summon ly, they passed many sleepless nights sim­ dressed in black with long beards and not faith to survive the impossible, but ply talking. They then met with couples peyos, walking freely amongst the uni­ emuna to discern the impossibility of mere who had similarly suffered. They also read formed personnel. They were of the survival for its own sake.

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 39 KARKA IN BRETZ YISROEL Call Rabbi Gavriel Beer for information BEYOND SURVNAL FOR ITS OWN SAKE most humanly apt to flee the rigors of on obtaining cemeteiy plots in Beth thought and emotion in order to cling to Shemesh and other locations in Israel. f the Jew's faith is born of introspec­ something greater than and beyond 011-972-2-656-9427 tion, contemplation, study and dis­ himself, what does it mean for him to I cernment even when he would seem believe in G-d, which he must? What is he doing when he recites the Rambam's Thirteen Principles of Faith: "I believe TYPE OF CAR OR SIMllAR with perfect faith that the Creator, may His name be blessed, is the Creator and 112 s Mover of all created things, that He alone 126- ~ has performed, performs and will per­ 182 ~ form every action .... I believe with per­ 455 i fect faith ... "? Indeed, when asked in what he believes or of what faith he is, why does ~ he not simply recite these principles? i:i In his voluminous work Nesivos E 217 Toll Free: Shalom, the previous Slonimer Rebbe, F SUZUKI BALENO 1.6 245 ffi Rabbi Shalom Noach Berezovsky ?·:,ii, G TOYOTA COROLLA 1.6 273 ~ 1-800-938-5000 ~ ~ Tel in NYC: quotes the following teaching of Harav XL PEUGEOT 406 2.0 357 ::> SX CHEVROLET MALIBU 399 .. 212-629-6090 from Lecowitz: "A Jewish person is obli­ vx VOLVOS-70 630 gated to believe that he is a believer:' Do EX MERCEDES E240 770 ~.. his words not constitute a theological KX MAZDA MPV 651 I impasse? Is not the believer defined by his KT GMCSAVANA 763 choice to believe and become that which PER WEEK •UNLIMITED MILEAGE - EXC, IN& he was not, the suggestion ofbelieving that he is already a believer being absurd? On both counts, yes. However, Harav from Lecowitz was not talking to a theologian, but to ((a Jewish person," who must know that, for him, faith is not something to be grabbed "before it is too late:' Faith or, more literally, knowledge of G-d is with­ in him much like genius residing within the prodigy, and must, therefore, be nur­ tured, shaped and refined, but never super­ We are recognized as the premier center for Accommodations: in-patient Short-Term Rehabilitation in Brooklyn. fluously acquired and declared. Our facility is associated with all major New York • Our newly renovated unit offers beautifully Here, every Jew is as an artist, draw­ hospitals and has served the Frum community appointed private and semi~private rooms for over 30 years under the leadership of its • Delicious Glatt Kosher meals prepared ur.der ing upon his inner sense to impart owners Yisroel and Shoshana Lefkowitz. the watchful eye of our Mashgiach Timidi expression to the blank canvas and Our 7th floor Short-Term Rehabilitation Unit is • Shabbos Elevator unshaped clay that is himself. The Ram­ reserved exclusively for the patient recovering • Shabbos Minyan bam's Thirteen Principles and the whole from a Stroke, Joint Replacement Surgery, Frac­ tures and Degenerative Joint Disease. of Torah from which they were distilled Please call us regarding our are a means in that process, but could not Offering a full range of Rehabilitation services: Short-Term Rehabilitation Center be said to occupy the theological core of • Full-time rehabilitation team of Occupation­ or the many additional specialized a "Jewish faith" any more than the artist's al, Physical Therapy and Speech-language programs we offer including our 20 Pathologists. brush and chisel could be esteemed as his bed Ventilator Dependant Unit and • Ultra modern therapy gym very source of inspiration. The Jew must • Dedicated team of Dieticians, Social Workers Adult Day Health Care Programs. and Discharge Planners believe that he believes, must know that • 24 hour nursing care (718) 633-3300 he knows, a consciousness of G-d and an internalization of His Law that is too inti­ The Palm Gardens Center mate and too encompassing for cate­ chism. For Nursing and Rehabilitation "In what do you believe?" 'J\.re you of 615 Avenue C • Brooklyn, New York 11218 the Jewish faith?"These are painful ques­ Tel: 633-3300 • Fax: 633-3320 tions for us, not because "\Ve haven't the

40 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 HELP FOR PARENTS OF answers, but because implicit in them is that natural, selfish drive to exploit our TEENS IN CONFLICT the assumption that we are as any other inner resources for their own sake, to nation in the family of n1an with its vast engage art for art's sake alone. Though M..t~~ pantheon of beliefs and faiths, and not the regarded in the Western mind as the quin­ MOTHERS & l'A.THef'IS.. ALIGNEDSK SAVING tQOS sublime masterpieces of our o\vn believ­ tessence of selfless dedication, such focus ing, faithful hands, the vision of which of talents is antithetical to Judaism, for TEL: 718-758-0400 should inspire man to want to simply emuna is a call to artistry for the sake of CONFIDENTIAL 10 AM - 10 PM know G-d, and instead ask: "In what do G-d, a redirection of inner strengths from ./SUPPORT GROUPS I believe? Of what faith am I?" And who the natural, instinctive I to the Thou - ./REFERRALS is to blame for that false assumption and which is primarily G-d, but also wife, ./HOTLINE failed vision for all of these thousands of child, fellow Jew, community of Jews, the years if not us, the artists themselves? peopled world. And redirection is all that Harav from Lecowitz and the Bostoner THE JEWISH REACH ... Rebbe are asking of us, not so that we BEYOND THE NATURAL might survive our current national catas­ ~" Invei trophe to paint, sculpt or write again, but ome years ago, portions of the to live and work again where our talents B~('c- Hagefen Bostoner Rebbe's Agudah Conven­ belong, beyond the natural, in the Jew­ ~Cfcr Stion address were published in these ish art of faith. • (('~(... ( The Shidduch service pages, and a story then related deserves for older singles retelling here. rll VISITING NY? In the winter months, the Rebbe and Reb­ L A project of N'shei MIDWOOD Agudath Israel with betzin host Shabbatons and receive into their GUEST SUITES Agudath Israel of America community scares of young people, mast of Ave. J, Brooklyn whom are college students from the halfa­ 6619 13th Avenue, Brooklyn, NY !1219 718-253-9535 Tel. (718) 256-7525 • Fax (718) 256-7578 dozen or so universities in the Boston area. Typically, before joining the Rebbe for the first meal on Friday night, the young people would form a procession and, one by one, meet the :c~;&,~£:·5····m,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,1.,·1··~-······1: Rebbe and Rebbetzin, each stating briefly who he is, where he is from and what he is studying or doing professionally. : (;&l~;th~e . ~ *: Once, a young woman approached and proudly announced: "I am a sculptress," to ,, ·.~ : ·· · Fam111~- ,, which the Rebbe immediately responded: : //f;< . ,.?\· . . ~ : "Better you should learn ta sculpt yourself." Before the woman could absorb the encounter, the line moved on, and she found herself downstairs in the banquet hall, wait­ E~!;!'~RENA1Ps~!c:. *E ing with others for the seuda to begin. The 2tfffif>,~2 WORLDGATE HOTEL ,, Rebbe 's words, however, had shaken her, ,, would remain with her and, incredibly, would : V;JftJJV/jjffJJ 'W •Hotel Located* 1 Mlle * (5 Min.)* from * Disney Theme Parks :V mark the beginning of her return ta Ortho­ doxy. V •Entire Hotel Kosher for Pesach •Oversized Luxurious Rooms w/Frfdge •All Low-Floors V V •25,000 sq. ft. Banquet Facmffes w/ 40 ft. CeUlngs •Shabbos Locks •Private Seder Rooms W If the Rebbe's words were uncharac­ •Strictest Robblnlcal Supervision •Artistic Gourmet Cuisine teristically abrupt, perhaps even harsh, V •Glatt Kosher • Cholov Ylsroel - Shmurah Matzah (non-gebrokt) V V •Aduft & Teen Shlurim and lectures •Professional Day Camp and Babysitting Y they needed to be, for he knew that only y •Israeli & Slmcha Dancing •Aerobics I Aqua-Aerobics •Tropical Heated Pool w/JacuzzJ y they could pierce an artist's ego to reach V •State of the Art Fitness Center •Jogging Traff •Basketball •Tennis V the heart with another, more subtle V ENTERTAINMENT Organized Trips to: ,, message of Haravfrom Lecowitz, name­ V NIGHTLY* ,, lllait St.J{.M Theme Parks SeaWorld universal Studios ly that "a Jewish person is obligated" and 4 ,, Di~covery Cove Sl'l "'-nor i;) cJ1r n \.and Other Attractions must serve G-d with his inner knowledge V-~~='* ~rr:.=~~r~ ,, V EntlftYom Tew Discounted Hopper Tickets w/ Bus Transfers Included of G-d, and not, ironically, genius, can­ ,, vas or clay. ,, • • • • • • • Tel. 305·534·2947or 800-379-2400· ,, y fax: 509-267-4919 E-mall: [email protected] ,, We all harbor within us that artist's ego, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,

The Jewish Observer, December 200 I 41 Rabbi Pinchas Jung Tefilla Emu no

MOMENT OF TRUTH - current crisis by e1nbarking on a strat­ ly the two most crucial pillars that ensure FOR MONTHS ON END egy to change the way they daven. For­ the survival of each individual's spiri­ tunately, the support of various sefarirn, tual self. ( ( Things will never be the same books, shiurim and tapes to assist with It is reported that during World War again" - a familiar lament this campaign is more readily available l, the Chafetz Chaim ., .. ,,, once com­ overheard time and again in now than ever before. mented that another war would follow recent months. There may well be As for those who are yet to take this that may make child's play of the first. A more than a grain of truth in this com­ initiative, no doubt they are still func­ third conflict would occur later that ment but it need not necessarily be total­ tioning on the old pre-programmed would make World War II seem minor ly negative. tefilla mode which leaves much to be in comparison. The Ponovezher Mash­ We as Torah Jews, who relate all desired. In this context, a disturbing giach, Rabbi Chatzkel Levenstein.,..,,, once events to Hashgacha, who understand question has been lingering around for repeated this statement) adding, "It is not cause and effect in a totally different decades, if not centuries. the kind of war you are imagining that framework from the secular world, we are talking about here. It is an attack have gained valuable lessons from the METICULOUS MITZVOS, on our emuna. It is a spiritual battle. It September 11 '"disasters. What we may TOSS-AWAY TEFILLA­ is the subtle struggle between correct and have failed to learn from Chazal and UNDERSTANDING THE DICHOTOMY incorrect attitudes and values that we are sefarim, we did, finally pick up as a reac­ dealing with." [This was reported in more tion to these events of unprecedented ow are we to understand the fol­ detail in JO Oct. '01, p.43.] magnitude. lowing enigma: people can be Whilst several age-old myths were H n1eticulous to extremes in the THE UBIQUITOUS BATTLE exploded within minutes on that fate­ performance of certain mitzvos and yet ful day and our vulnerability was so so lax in tefilla that they have no his insight reveals to us that the painfully highlighted, we were com­ qualms about socializing during dav­ ultimate campaign is internal pelled to return to our original and gen­ ening? Haven't you met the medakdek T and unearthly as opposed to the uine set of values. We were reminded, who with every sincerity, spends hours conventional type of war. It is as current with an uncomfortable jolt, that "we on end selecting his arba minim- exam­ as the present moment and as real as the have no alternative but to rely on our ining one lulav and esrog after another crises the world is grappling with at this Father in Heaven" (Sota 49b). - wandering from one store to the next time. This battle can be fought and vic­ The Maharal (Nesivos Olam, Nesiv until he is finally satisfied with his tory can be gained anywhere on earth, Ha'avoda, ch. 3) teaches how that quo­ choice. But his Mincha interlude amidst at home or in the office, in shul or in tation from Sota forms the basis of our that frantic search paints a totally dif­ school. In order to succeed we are tefilla program. Ai; we daven, we remind ferent picture. You could be led to believe advised, with a measure of urgency, to ourselves that we do not, cannot and dare that Mincha was a mere triviality .... review and evaluate the frequently neg­ not rely on political, military or finan­ This mystery has been discnssed lected areas of emuna and bitachon - cial power. And as we browse through the before but a new explanation may be neglected because we take their existence pages of our , we suddenly real­ timely. It is noteworthy that in these tur­ for granted. ize that this simple message appears and bulent times, it is not necessarily our It is this negligence that gives rise to reappears there countless times. practical, external expression of Yid­ the enigma mentioned earlier on. The To be sure, many have reacted to the dishkeitthat is being put to the test, but meticulous observance of action mitzvos rather our deeper inner commitment. does not require the same degree of Rabbi Pinchos JW1g serves as Mashgiach of Yeshi­ The essential but invisible foundations emuna for its preservation as quality tefilla va Kol Yaakov, as well as Dean of Beth Rochel of our spiritual core have to be solid and does. The first victim of impoverished School for Girls, both in Monsey, NY. His arti~ de, "You Can Change the Way You Daven;' sound to withstand the trials of this cur­ emuna will surely be davening. AI; part of appeared in JO, Sept. '01. rent era. Emuna and bitachon are sure- the daily routine, it will continue to occu-

42 The Jewish Observer, December 2001 py its place but it will lose its luster. EXPANDING EMUNA we will have to daven intelligently in The Gemora (Makkos 24a) relates that order to accomplish this. But this is not 613 mitzvos were given to Moshe ssuming we now agree that an academic exercise; it is very much an Rabbeinu at Sinai. The most outstand­ sound emuna is a prerequisite for emotional one, similar in concept to ing luminaries of the early generations, Ameaningful tefilla, we must then Rabbi Yisroel Salanter's ?··~ recom­ David Hame/ech, Yeshaya Hanavi etc., in proceed to address the next question: mendation for the study of mussar. Reb order that we appreciate the main how do we plan to expand this crucial Yisroel advised the student to carefully points of Torah at a quick glance, ingredient? select brief but potent quotes from reduced the fundamentals to just a few The answer this writer wishes to sug­ Ghazal or works of mussar and insist­ principles. Then came the prophet gest may surprise the reader; however, ed that one repeat those lines until the Chabakuk who declared that there is but the suggestion is based on a quote from ideas penetrate his very being. one theme around which all else Avos (3: 17) describing the relationship Take a simple example from tefilla revolves - "The tzaddik will live by his and interaction between different which would suit Reb Yisroel's program emuna" ( Chabakuk 2,4). This is the hid­ virtues. If there is no chachma, there can too: 01pri N"i1 'i1 ri::nn W"N .J.7.:i T1l:Jwnr.l T1l:J1 den foundation, well concealed below be no yira, but then without yira, we "Many plans are in a man's heart but the ground level, upon which the entire edi­ cannot have chachma either. (The expla­ plan of Hashem will prevail" (Proverbs fice rests. With it we have spiritual sta­ nation of this particular connection is 19,21 ). Verbalizing this truth on a daily bility and anchorage; without it, we have not relevant to us at this point and is basis will certainly amplify our emuna. weak and wavering souls. dealt with in the classic commentaries.) That in turn will emphasize to us the Similarly, it could be argued that with­ need to daven more conscientiously. So EMUNA AS A DETERMINANT out emuna, there cannot be tefilla of sub­ it is a cycle. Just as serious learning OF QUALITY stance, but without tefilla, emuna can­ breeds even more learning) focused dav­ not endure either. eningwill breed even better davening­ he quality of our emuna will Although tefilla is so frequently and with emuna as the catalyst. Our strate­ determine the degree to which we popularly seen as presenting our gy now clearly defined and easily acces­ Treally believe that our tefillos are requests before our Maker, a quick sible, we can begin without further delay. effective and have the power to influence review of the Siddur will convince us the course of events. A healthy emuna that most of the material said is actu­ • will have us recognizing as absolute real­ ally praise, thanksgiving or statement of ity, the fact that the Shechina resides in His majesty and omnipotence. We are our beis haknesses. A fragile emuna will saying this as part of our davening, how­ only permit us to pay lip service to such ever, the accent here is rather on our­ Yeshivish truths.And that is far too feeble to influ­ selves, that we need to say it and inter­ Classical ence our conduct .... nalize it. The daily repetition is designed lsrasli Similarly, in order to be motivated to to have these messages penetrate our Klezmer invest a substantial amount of time and inner selves deeper and deeper. It is our energy into anything on our over­ way of allowing the oft-repeated senti­ crowded agendas, we must be convinced ments to slip from the conscious mind it is deserving of that level of attention. into the subconscious. Eventually these Here again, emuna is indispensable. Fail­ ideas will be absorbed and embodied ing that, tefilla will remain, as lamenta­ into our personalities. Needless to say, bly it so often appears to be, a tedious chore, a monotonous ritual, which we C simply have to get over and done with. r,?ylrfmiial )lfer~vei C$i1i In the light of these comments it is .NEW~ORT, !!f:IOD~!{il'.AND significant to note the order of Ani ' I I ' : I • : , I I maamin, the 13 Principles of Faith of the 28 Weaver Avenue, Newport, RI 02840 Rambam. Having dealt with the first Tel.: (401) 849-0051 •Fax: (401) 847·5902 www.kosherbedandbreakfast.com four, all referring to the existence and unity of the Creator, we then proceed to Enjoy the freedom and convenience of a kosher guesthouse, located the fifth, stating that, "to Him alone it only minutes away from is proper to pray." The order is surely the Touro Synagogue, deliberate in teaching that prayer only the oldest synagogue in North America enters the stage after emuna has been Group discount availabl~ for Simchos and Shabbos firmly established. For resenations call: l-888-465-0051

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 43 Debby Friedman

t started out as a simple need to relax Shabbos to visit the old Beis Hakevaros. (how do they blow their noses?), sport­ and get a change of scenery after a Shortly after I turned onto the main ing hairstyles that made them look like I fire broke out in our Jerusalem road, my husband lsamar called out, "Stop chickens in electric shock, and sunglass­ apartment one Shabbos, exiling our the car!" Putting my foot on the brakes, es for that "cool" look. family to a neighboring flat fur five weeks I innocently asked bim, "How come?'' ''Are you cra-a-a-zy?! They'll pull out during repairs and renovations. My "There are two kids hitchhiking-let's a gun and steal the car!" I answered as husband and I chose a motel on the give them a lift:' sweetly as possible, switching my foot to shores of the Kinneret, and since we had I looked in the rearview mirror, and the accelerator. use of a car, drove up to Tzfas on Erev was horrified to see the hitchhikers my "No, stop the car. We should give them Mrs. Debby Friedman lives with her husband husband referred to: two typical, irreli­ a ride;' Isamar answered calmly. I slowed and ten children in Kiryat Kaminetz, which is gious, Israeli teenagers, wearing cutoff, the car while simultaneously trying to in Neve Yaakov, Jerusalem. She teaches in the Bais ripped articles of (I guess) clothing, slow my heartbeat, wondering at the same Yaakov Tiferes Rivka High School, located in the san1e neighborhood. adorned with and nose rings time how one says, "Stick 'em up" in Hebrew? The two hitchhikers came running towards our car and nearly froze in shock when they saw us: the typical, chareidi, bearded male and tichel-topped female, actually offering them a lift. They hesi­ I tantly got in with their bags, mumbled, • Full Day, Half Day, Or Part Time Programs "Toda;' and when asked their destination, • Includes Intensive Limudei Kodesh replied, "Lo chashuv' ("It doesn't matter"). I • Endorsed By Leading Gedolei Yisrael I I kept throwing meaningful glances at my • Dynamic Shiurim By The Foremost Mechanchim trusting husband to get him to under­ • Hundreds Of Successful, Maalot Graduates Worldwide I stand that "It doesn't matter" means, I • Choice of Regular or Lishma Program • A Warm Bais Yaakov Atmosphere - Select Group Of Students "We're momentarily going to get rid of •Option of Eight Week Summer Program In Yerushalayim I you and take the car!" I • The Exciting Alternative To A Full Year In Ereh: Yisroel Isamar was already engaging them in Renowned Mechanchim Include: Robbi M. Blum, Robbi Avrohom Blumenkrantz conversation, asking harmless questions Robbi David Gibber, Robbi Yael Kromer, Robbi Zev Merzel, Rabbi N. Robinawich I like, Where are you from? (Yavneh and I Rabbi Aron Rapps, Rabbi Ben Zion Schiffenbauer, Rabbi Yisroel Dov Webster Rebbetzin Y. Davidowitz, Rebbetzin M. Eisenberger, Rebbetzin Chaya Ginzberg Rechovot). What are your names? (Ll-Or Rebbetzin Devora Kitevits, Rebbetzin Naoma Lermon, Rebbetzin Rivka Orotz I and Or-El). What are you doing? (Noth­ I Rebbetzin Bruria Rubin, Rebbetzin Esther Twersky, Rebbetzin Fayge Wolpin ing). When it came time to turn towards Summer In Ereb Yisrael: Rabbi Dovid Refson - Dean, Rabbi Dovid Kass - Director Tzfas, I piped up and said, "We're turn­ Rabbi Nosson Geisler, Rabbi Leib Keleman, Rabbi Y. Monat,, Rabbi Meir Treibitz Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller, Rebbetzin Zehavo Koss, Rebbetzin Rena Tarshish ing right now to Tzfas;' and on impulse I 1 added, "Why don't you come along, too? It's a beautiful city:' Both boys agreed. As we got to the entrance of that mystical city, they asked RABBI SHOLOM G. GINZBERG, DEAN to be left off. Before closing the door, one 93 1 Coney Island Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11230 of them asked shyly, "Uh, when are you • For More Information Phone Or Fax:{718)377-0222_,. guys driving back?"

44------The Jewish Observer, December 2001 I melted. We have sons the same ages first spoke to lsamar said to him, "You tuous of the conversation. I kept trying as those boys. Our sons may look quite know, you're a nice guy." to inject a little more Yiddishkeitinto the different (!) from Li-Or and Or-El, but Tears came to my husband's eyes. flow of talking - but my ever-diplomat­ those two Yiddishe neshamos also stood Those three "proste" soldiers "\'\'ere essen­ ic husband would gracefully cough, then at Har Sinai, and they too answered, tially eide~ Yiddishe neshamos, longing to totally change the subject, saving the boys "Na'aseh v'nishma!" We exchanged cell be purified and reunited with their from the prattling of a well-meaning Yid­ phone numbers, and told them we'd be Source. Needless to say, my husband did dishe Mamma. After a while, the two boys about two and a half hours. If that suit­ not feel the need to toivel again that day. dozed off. ed them, we'd be happy to drive them As lsamar and I watched them sleep, we back. They readily agreed. ur two hitchhikers called in, and struggled to keep abreast of our emotions. During our visit to the Beis Hakevaros, we arranged a pickup point with In no specific order, they were comprised Isamar went to toivel in the Mikveh HaAr~ Othem. As we pulled up, they of: pity and compassion that those two which can be described as a tiny hole in waved to us as ifwe were old friends. Once neshame'lach sleeping a shnas yesharim a rock filled with fresh, ever-flowing, very they got into the car, Or-El said, "You (sleep of the innocent) were unaware that cold spring water. After immersing seven made our day!" The ice was totally bro­ while they were awake they were sleeping; times, he felt cleansed and purified - ken, and we shmoozed freely as we drove anger that such a situation exists in the undoubtedly a wonderful state for avo­ back to the Kinneret. Or-El revealed that "Jewish" state; hope that they wmtld yet das Hashem. his sister was in the process of becoming find their way home; and gratitude that the Filled with ruchnius-type feelings, he a ba'alas teshuva. and that his mother was Ribbono Shel Olam was mezakeh us with climbed the stairs out of the mikveh, only very into "those religious red strings" changing their views of Torah Yidden in to be greeted by a shocking sight so anti­ (referring to the red strings people wear some small way. (I never did learn how to thetical to his uplifted state of mind: three against ayin hara). say, "Stick 'em up" in Hebrew.) brawny, hulking, and - pardon the Li-Or sat quietly the whole time. His When we arrived at their destination expression, but it's the only "\vay to eyes were hidden behind his , and ever so gently woke them up, the boys describe them - "proste" soldiers deco­ and he appeared to me to be somewhat couldn't thank us enough. As they rated with body earrings and tattoos. bored and maybe even a little contemp- removed the last of their belongings from Their conversation was hardly conducive to preparing for tevila in the heilige Ari's mikveh. Isamar's first reaction was, "That's what You think of my tevila, Hashem?" He decided that once that boorish chevra left, he would toivel again to rid himself of the "tum'd' with which he felt he had come into contact. "The Name You Trust" The first soldier entered and dipped himself in the freezing water. "Hey!" he DOMEsncCORPORATEACllVATIONS called to fsamar, ((how many times do r •Cellphone R~.nt.111.foro,;er no (;ountries do this? Three? Seven?" "Seven:' Isamar replied. Then he • Same daf./Next day delivery · noticed that the soldier was not going • Voice .mail & text messaging completely under the water. "But not like • Guaranteed lowest rates that - put your whole body in the water," he instructed. • 24 hr. customer service The soldier started his count all over •.Fax & data sen/ice again. After the seventh time, he came up • Itemized bill ever so slowly and said with heartfelt meaning," Yesh kahn mashehu." (Loose­ • Call Waiting ly translated: "There's something special •Caller ID about this place.") One of the other soldiers said, "You know, I'm over 40 and I'm only starting 877.CELL P to realize that there's more to life than 8 7j7 . 2 3 5 . 5 7 4 6 what we know." The three chatted with my husband awhile, and then the one who www.travelcell.com ·

The Jewish Observer, December 2001 45 ll>:imD 1!lo nl•iv. >:i?1!r.I N~Dl1 mm l1111j?1 1>l111111n 'iv 1!l01 D'113N131 the car, Mr. Sunglasses popped his head religious one, at that! D•l!lj?ll3 1lN ,.,.~! 11!1 ll"N1ln )"1Y.l 'il!l 1"n back in. His voice must have been chang­ Yet, over the years, Louise told her l11J)lln 1N 113013 1N o>:inlo 11•ll!l >r.m ing, since it cracked as he said, "Believe father how her boss paid her when he :n:i1mn? n?w•w 7"~1 11013 nwii me, we need more people like you in this closed for the ... and how ')m"D. "!'41N \Vorld." he paid her for the non-Jewish holidays, 15 i?om :imi It's amazing! Just by being nice, we too. How he lent her money, and let her ?N1Ul' ,pil 'll were privileged to be mekadesh Shem pay it back how and when she could. How 03"5745006 )l!l?\'J Shamayim. And through a little bit of he went on business trips and left signed 03"6746841 Oi'!l chessedback in that mikveh, my husband checks for all the meshulachim who no doubt changed the way those soldiers might come in his absence, so that they looked at Hashem's representatives. Have shouldn't go away empty-handed. How we any idea how often, and even how easy, he helped her out of situations (that her it is to be mekadesh Shem Shamayim! father was well aware of), as only a father would. n our living room stands a small, Louise's boss dramatically changed her round table, a haunting testimony to father's views about Jews in general, and I the power of Kiddush Hashem. The about religious Jews in particular. While fire that erupted in our apartment caused dying of cancer, Mr. King built a small, extensive smoke damage throughout the round table for my father in appreciation 1537 50th Street, house, but the only room that was total­ of his kind and caring treatment of his Brooklyn, NY 11219 ly ruined was the living room - includ­ daughter - and in recognition that the ing the furniture, pictures, silver, glassware, Jews are, indeed, G-d's chosen people. (718) 854-2911 computer, keyboards, curtains, plants, That "Kiddush Hashem Table" once stereo, and all the tapes. Nothing could again has an honored place in our living be salvaged from that room. room. It is a living testimony that one Yid CHEVRA OSEH CHESED Or so we thought. - living and behaving as Hashem wants OF AGUDATH ISRAEL In a tremendous Kiddush Hashem in us to - changed the views of a hardened its own right, our neighbors in the beau­ anti-Semite. How much more impact can BURIAt PLOTS tiful Torah community of Kiryat we, the representatives of Hashem's Torah, IN ERETJ YISROEL Kan1inetz, Jerusalem, retrieved, cleaned, behaving as we should, have on inherently laundered, and boxed everything that was pure, precious, Yuidishe neshamosthat ulti­ Interment in '\/hC::i>i~ Shabbos Beis worth saving from our apartment. mately want to cleave to Hashem! Olam ~eis si:emesh f' Incredibly, among this pile of items I Please ~b°:_,,ffe~r W.rtte to: found the small, wooden table that Mr. pportunities are given to us con­ Chevra Osebt'ifed ~f ~th Israel King had made for my father so many stantly. It's up to us to recognize u Broadw~\N~;lYJ~ork. NY 10004 years ago - the table we called "The Kid­ Othem and use them to bring (212f'Tt'l-9000 dush Hashem Table" - intact and in beau­ Has hem's kinder Jach back to Him. May we tiful condition! The tears came quickly­ be zocheh, very soon, to bring home all almost as quickly as the realization that the multitudes of Yidden, and hear them Digest of Meforshim of course that table would have survived! and the whole world proclaim: "Who is ')v1p7 iri:::i ')v1p7 It stands as a testimony to the power like Your nation Israel, one people on of a Kiddush Hashem which my father Earth!" • 7"~ -uro'm 'mlr.iv l";rr.ir.i made many years ago while living in Los Available at Angeles. A woman named Louise King, OMISSIONS AND CORRECTIONS LEKUTE I a devout Protestant, came to work for The photograph of Rabbi Avigdor c/o Yitzchok Rosenberg him. When Louise's father, a virulent anti­ Miller. ""lit, that grac;!d the cover as 1445 54th Street weUas page 10 of Brooklyn, NY 11219-4228 Semite, found out that her new boss was The}ewish Observ­ 718-851-5298 Jewish, he all but cursed her and warned er. ofNovember 'O 1, wa$ taken by .Ed Bernstein, ofDepver, Colora.\io, a cel­ 20 Volumes on Torah, Perek, Medrash, her not to come running home to him like ebra(ed photographer ()fTorah p~r­ Megilos, Talmud, and Tehilim. she did when her Jewish husband aban­ s<>nalities apqJeaders. Proceeds of sales distributed an1ong doned her. That renegade of a husband Yeshivas and used for reprinting of and a Jew only intensified Mr. King's The dat

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