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Live-Blogging Alibaba's Insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala

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Live-Blogging Alibaba's Insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina ACCESS (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.SUBSTACK.COM/ABOUT) NEWSLETTER PODCASTS FEATURES (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.COM/CATEGORY/FEATURED/) SUP PRESENTS VIDEO SHOP (HTTPS://WWW.SUPCHINASHOP.COM/) EVENTS (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.COM/CATEGORY/EVENT/) SUPCHINA DIRECT (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.COM/2019/03/04/ANNOUNCING-SUPCHINA-DIRECT-A-CONFERENCE-CALL-DIALOGUE-SERIES/) ABOUT (https://supchina.com/) (https://www.facebook.com/supchinanews) (https://supchina.com/series/sinica/) Home (Https://Supchina.Com/) Featured (Https://Supchina.Com/Category/Featured/) Live-Blogging Alibaba’s Insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala FEATURED (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.COM/CATEGORY/FEATURED/) SOCIETY (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.COM/CATEGORY/SOCIETY-CULTURE/SOCIETY/) Live-Blogging Alibaba’s Insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala JESSICA COLWELL, ELAINE CHOW, FAN HUANG (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.COM/AUTHOR/COLWELLCHOW/) NOVEMBER 10, 2018 0 (HTTPS://SUPCHINA.COM/2018/11/10/LIVE-BLOGGING-ALIBABAS-INSANE-TMALL-DOUBLE- ELEVEN-GALA/#RESPOND) https://supchina.com/2018/11/10/live-blogging-alibabas-insane-tmall-double-eleven-gala/ 1/32 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina 7:35pm Elaine: Hey what’s up SupChina friends! We’re ready to kick this thing o tonight. In case you have no idea what Jessica, Fan, and I are up to, we put a little summary of just about anything you’d need to know going into this in our preview post. (https://supchina.com/2018/11/09/singles-day-preview- liveblog-saturday/) Fan: ENTER THE VOID Jessica: Elaine, no time for introductions there’s already so much going on! (Also, Elaine has to miss out on the rst half hour of this, which is approximately 40 years in gala time. But she’ll be back shortly!) Jessica: Some quick background info: Alibaba hired Youku to produce the show this year, which is where you can stream it if you are in mainland China. It’s like if Amazon employed Amazon Prime to produce a pageant to its own escapist consumerism. Bezos should be taking notes. 7:45pm Fan: I’m already hyperventilating. What is even going on? Is that blue ant supposed to be the mascot for the dystopian Sesame credit score thing? I was reading Donald Trump’s favorite book, All Quiet On the Western Front earlier today because it’s the 100th anniversary of the end of WWI. And now here we are. Jessica: The hosts are playing a fun interactive “match your face to all the emotions you avoid by swiping a buy-on-get-one deal on Taobao.” Fan: Yeah Huang Bo and Chen He are making faces in this Dance Dance Emoji Revolution challenge. I feel like there are no losers in this. https://supchina.com/2018/11/10/live-blogging-alibabas-insane-tmall-double-eleven-gala/ 2/32 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina Fan: First musical number and I think it’s one of the TF Boys. Is it Jackson? Let’s just say he’s the cute one of the group. Jessica: Yep, that’s Jackson Lee, the youngest TF boy. Can you believe he’s turning 18 this year?? Hey laaaaaaaadies! ? Jessica: So far I’m not loving this red and blue nonsense. I get it, there’s a theme, red team versus blue team. But draping Jackson with streamers isn’t selling me on it. Fan: Ooh Western dancers only for this number. INTERNATIONAL. I am forgetting parts of this song even as I’m watching it, it’s going down easy like cough medicine. 7:55pm Jessica: Another quick FYI while Jackson talks. Dragon TV and Zhejiang Satellite TV are broadcasting the gala, and also have lent out the casts of two hit celeb variety shows, Go Fighting 极限挑战 and Running Man 奔跑吧, to help host the gala. Those are the folks on the opposing “teams”. Jessica: I’m ocially bored (with this Qin Wei ballad). I need more deals!! Fan: I actually appreciate the lull. I don’t think I can take 4 and a half hours of pure unadulterated SHOP HYPE. 8:05pm https://supchina.com/2018/11/10/live-blogging-alibabas-insane-tmall-double-eleven-gala/ 3/32 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina Fan: Is that gift box on the left intentionally meant to resemble the Swedish ag? Is this a subliminal sign that relations are normalized again after the THIS IS KILLING hotel incident? Jessica: AHHHH!! I saw this girl on the lineup and couldn’t believe they’d put this famous Japanese Beyonce impersonator (Naome Watanabe) in the show because obviously they can’t get Beyonce. Fan: That was an incredible catsh, I’m not even mad. Fan: Shout out to Aldi, who refused to provide plastic bags when I shopped there. Ahead of its time. Jessica: Oh good, they’re back with the “BUY! BUY! BUY!” at the end of every deals bit. 8:15pm Jessica: This is a girl group called CY Girls, and I’m pretty sure they were https://supchina.com/2018/11/10/live-blogging-alibabas-insane-tmall-double-eleven-gala/ 4/32 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina invented for the gala. They just released this song (about buying sh*t) on Alibaba’s music platform last month. It’s the only thing I can nd online about them. Fan: So far they are being upstaged by this fever dream of a backdrop. Fan: That oating facial mask is worthy of Michael Myers. Fan: Pretty tough deciding who to root for in this red vs. blue battle to the death. I think I have to go with Red based on Huang Bo’s box oce power. I don’t see Yang Ying, aka the artist formerly known as Angelababy, helping matters. No oense bb, still love u. https://supchina.com/2018/11/10/live-blogging-alibabas-insane-tmall-double-eleven-gala/ 5/32 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina Fan: Lei Jiayin on the red team was TOYING with Jackson in the screen pushy contest to give him face before reminding him the dierence between 哥们 儿 and 娘炮. THAT BOY GOT SONNED. Jessica: It’s really a brilliant bit of programming. Foreign viewers may nd it boring, but imagine if it were the cast of your favorite show up on stage making fools of themselves. Side note: Why don’t we have any silly celeb competition variety shows in America? Elaine: What would be the equivalent? Like American Ninja Warrior versus House Hunters? Jessica: Somebody call Netix. Now. 8:30pm Fan: I feel like the election cycle now qualies as a silly competition where celebs make fools of themselves. Jessica: Also welcome back Elaine! Elaine: Hiii!!! I just had to explain to a bunch of Japanese people that I was leaving a fun wedding party just as they were getting drunk in order to “report” on the largest shopping festival in the world. It was very intense for my level of Japanese. OH BUBBLES. Fan: We got CIRQUE DU SOLAAAY in the building. Elaine: Are they carrying IKEA goods? Because these look like IKEA goods to me. Jessica: Beetlejuice shoppers. Elaine: Oh no it’s just “KUKA ” the Chinese almost gonna be IKEA If only https://supchina.com/2018/11/10/live-blogging-alibabas-insane-tmall-double-eleven-gala/ 6/32 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina Elaine: Oh no, it’s just “KUKA,” the Chinese almost-gonna-be IKEA. If only IKEA had had an insane world’s largest shopping festival to carry it forward. Fan: Gonna go out on a limb and say that this is the rst time Cirque du Soleil has ever done an online shopping-themed extravaganza. If they don’t do a football themed show during the Super Bowl then America will lose all of its face. Elaine: The way you position it, it’s almost like what will win – primitive athletic tribalism or glitzy capitalism? Fan: However much they paid this DJ to forsake his pride to twist those knobs, it’s not enough. 8:45pm Elaine: One of the hosts was just like “our goal tonight is to let you never stop being high (嗨不停) which should be the ocial slogan of the 11.11 Gala… Jessica: Actually Elaine, according to Youku’s deluge of pre-show press, the two overarching themes of the evening are “high” (嗨) and “cool” (爽). The “cool” is the performance, the “high” is all the SUPER FUN DEALS YOU CAN GET IF YOU JUST KEEP SHAKING YOUR PHONE. Fan: I need glowsticks that I can wave to this mechanical origami bird song. https://supchina.com/2018/11/10/live-blogging-alibabas-insane-tmall-double-eleven-gala/ 7/32 4/5/2019 Live-blogging Alibaba’s insane Tmall Double Eleven Gala - SupChina Jessica: Hahahahaha I keep tryna post some updates and happen to glance at the screen playing the show and I involuntarily scream “What?? What is THIS?!” into my empty room. What was that bit with the couch?? Elaine: They invited some dancers that I’m sure I’ve seen before on some sort of Western dance show, but they don’t focus enough on their faces for me to be able to identify them. It’s almost like they realize this song is boring compared to the rest of the show, but they aren’t able to commit to either showcasing the part that’s supposed to make it more fun for the audience or the Chinese star the people tuned in for.
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