Picture Yourself Changing A Life
The people in these pictures are a lot like you. They do pretty much the same things you do every day - daven, work, learn, spend time with their families. Like you, they lead busy lives. But, like countless other men and women, they've discovered that by setting aside time to help others, they also lead richer a lives. Fuller lives. More inspired lives. Agudath Delivering food to families who might otherwise go hungry ... Tsrael offering practical or emotional assistance to people coping of America with serious illness ... helping lonely singles find shidduchim ... i1i7'1r.lN:l .,N1W' muN: mentoring troubled teens ... The chesed possibilities are Volunteer Through Agudah endless. 42 BROADWAY, NYC 10004 And so are the rewards. TEL. (212) 797-9000 So think about getting into the picture. FAX: (646) 254-1600 Because the life you change may be your own.
Agudath Israel of America's Volunteer Service Department assists individuals who want to become involved in volunteer activities by "matching them" with appropriate chesed groups or organizations. (A partial listing is shown below.) If you have a little tlme to spare and a lot of Ahavas Yisroel to offer, cal! the Volunteer Service Department at 212.797.9000.
AGUDATH ISRAEl J:>IKUR CHEVRA • YOUTH GROUP i Am Echad: I M_Hasc !i11f1#t1 ii. ¥eSP"·I CH OUM SERYICEI KADISH;\ lJT" Center •• N'SHEI --, R u I ~ c T .:J0,~1chei L.EG.A.L 1\ID m PARTHERI VIi. lbii: • .11.C , f!wbbo.. · CONSORTIU'V1 CAR.ES IN TORAH
-~li,liiitllliit i»!•lillNli!ilt ~iili!·ll~~~· lliii~iii l\iiill0 ~id~, ii~ ~~diilJ•~~~ I I THE JEWISH OBSERVER i (ISSN) 0021-6615 IS PUBLISHED IN THIS ISSUE I MO,..THJ.\', ~~XCEl'T JULY & AUGUST AND A COMBINED ISSUE FOR 6 JANUARY/ff;BRUA!lY, BY THE AG!Jl)AlH !SRA EL OF ,'\MERICA, I 42 BROADWAY, NEW YORK, NY 10004. BAYIS NE'EMAN BEYISROEL PERIODICALS POSTAGE PAID IN NEW YtmK, \')'. SuBSCRlr-r'ION S25.00/YEAft; I 2 YEARS. 548.oo; 3 YEARS. S69.00. 6 5HIDDUCHIM: MAKING A LIFETIME CHOICE, 0uTSIOE OF THE UNI fEJJ STATES (US FONDS ORAWN ON A lJS BANK ONl.Y) Professor Aaron Twerski I S1s.oo SUUCHAllGE PF:R YEAH. S!NGJ.E COl'Y S:;.50; OrJTsrrH: NY A!lEA S3.95; FO!IF:IG:'ll S4,50. 12 5HMIRAS HALASHON AND 5HIDDUCHIM'. A DELICATE I POS'fMASTf:R; SEND ADDllESS CHANGES TO; BALANCE, Rabbi Moshe Mordechai Lovvy THE JEWISH 0BSl::!lVER I 42 BHOADWAY, NY, NY 10004 TEI. 212-797-9000, fAX 646-254-lliOO 18 THE "(oLD FEET" SYNDROME OF ENGAGEMENT PRINTED IN THE USA I ANXIETY, RABBI NJSSON WOLl'IN,Editor Dr. Meir Wik/er I
t'ditorial Boord 24 Bu1LDiNG JEWISH HoMEs: Gu10ANCE JN SHALOM I R,\BBl JOSEPH EJ.JAS. Uwirmrm RABBI Al}BA lh-iuDNY I JOSEPH i'RIEIH:NSON BAYJS, Rabbi il1ordechai Plaut I RABBI YISROl::'I- Mn rt KIRZNEf( RABBI NO~SON SCHERMAN I PROF. AAllON TWERSKI BEHIND THE VEIL, Sarah Shapiro 45 I Found('l'S Dll. ERNST I.. BoOJ::!'>;HEJMl·:R Z"L RABBI MoSIH: SllFRf-:R Z"I. I THE ORTHODOX COMMUNITY'S (ONFUSED PRIORITIES, Munmp>lllcJ// B<>ard 31 I NAFTOU HIRSCH, !S.·'1.A{,· K!R/.NER. I RAaBl SI-It.OMO l.f'.SIN, Dr. Marvin Schick !)AVID SINGE It. NACfHIM 5Tf'.IN
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------~ ~ -"Ti:. Ii::.~.:.~.:_:~::~"~·~·· ~.::~~~h~.~~h" '"~' ...: .. h :, :.w ~.~.. I This is the classic blessing that one responds with upon foundations dug deep into our history, loyalty to Divinely I learning of someone's engagement, wishing the couple that dictated principles, and adherence to Divinely declared they "merit establishing a loyal household in Israel." There are practices. This will all be evidenced in the household - the I many dimensions to this loyalty. It certainly testifies to the atmosphere in the home, the conduct of the children, their integrity of the couple's shared hopes and aspirations, and shidduchim, and their children - all part of a bayis ne'eman how they project the inner strengths from which they draw, beYisroel, guaranteeing the future of Kial Yisroel. as they face a promising and challenging future together. The articles in this issue explore how this goal is maintained As the chassan and kalla proceed to the chupa, their throughout the shidduch process, as explained by Professor bayis ne' em an will be grounded on a firm foundation of Aaron Twerski, with guidelines in halacha for inquiring about mutual trust and shared hopes, and they will discover how a prospective shidduch by Rabbi Moshe Mordechai Lowy, each can complement the strengths of the other with his or practical insights from Dr. Meir Wilder, and a report by Rabbi her personal gifts of character and achievement. .. yearn- Mordechai Plaut on efforts to offer hadracha to young couples ing together, learning together, modeling themselves after before and after their weddings in Eretz Yisroel. legendary figures from the past as well as parents, mentors, A subsequent issue of The Jewish Observer will n··,,.. feature and teachers. Thus, just as one is loyal to one's own con- conceptual approaches and practical suggestions for promot- victions, hopes and visions, one reinforces one's loyalty to ing a shalom bayis ambience in Jewish households in line with one's life partner. the bayis ne'eman beYisroel ideal. N.W.
PROFESSOR AARON TWERSKI Making a
I I I I
I AVOIDING THE "EARLY DIVORCE" MALADY I
is no secret that the divorce rate on anecdotal evidence. to place the blame on insufficient [1 It has risen in the Chareidi corn mu- Given the large increase dating. Yet, the explanation does not
1 nity. Although accurate statistics in our population, even if the per- hold up. The problem of "quickie" are not available, those involved with centage of divorces did not increase, divorces spans the entire spectrum arranging gittin report that the vol- the brute numbers of divorces would from Chassidic arranged shidduchim ume is dramatically up. One must be certainly be greater. Nonetheless, the to yeshiva marriages borne of dating careful not to put too much reliance sense of those in the know is that the that is quite prolonged. Something is percentages are up. wrong, and the phenomenon of which PROFESSOR TwERSKl, A MEMBER OFTllE En!TOR!Al d BoARnoFTHF.JEivisHOusfl{VER,isAri~or:EssoRiN What is even more disturbing are we speak deserves a good har look.
nRooK1.YN LAw ScHoo1. ANn st-:RvEs ,,5 cuAmMAN the numbers of broken engage1nents I do not pretend to have the answer; m "'' """"" m AcooAm isRAu "' AM
I i welcome them. The purpose of this Why V11ould a parent encourage a text of a shidduch, most of the matters I article is to focus on the problen1. I shidduch that appears inappropriate? that qualify for a "bombe shidduch" also I Hopefully, the combined experience The reality is that shidduchim provide qualify as bribery. We don't see and hear of those who toil in the field of shalom status for the parents. A "bombe shid that which we should. We turn a par bayiswill lead to a comprehensive and duch" is hard to resist. Whether it be tially deaf ear to negative infor1nation i I sober analysis of the problem. But we yichus, 1noney, or social status, they all because we are attracted to those n1atters i n1ust start somewhere. So here is n1y reflect back on the parents. But, ulti that enhance our prestige. I first attempt at the list of issues that mately parents have to ask themselves: A close relative once introduced a contribute to early divorces. V\fith who1n an1 I sending 1ny son or shidduch to an outstanding rosh yeshiva. daughter home after the Sheva Berachos? He began by telling the rosh yeshiva that After all the hullabaloo, two youngsters the young man had completed Shas at I. MARRIAGE Is NoT FOR have to make a life for themselves. They the young age of twenty-one. To which THE PARENTS - IT'S FOR THE gain very little from all the outward the rash yeshiva responded, "You have CHILDREN manifestations of what the street will it all wrong. f am not now looking call a "great" shidduch. Marriage is for for a maggid shiur in my yeshiva. One hatever the style for arranging the children, not the parents. The Torah hundred or two hundred blatt are not shidduchim, be it Chassidic bears witness that "shochad" (bribery) the issue. I am looking for a husband W or yeshivish, parents play a blinds the eyes of the wise and distorts for my daughter. The young man must crucial role. Parents generally investigate the words of the righteous. In the con- first qualify as a husband." prospective mates for their children. They research the reputation of both the As long as there are Jewish fami intended mate and the family, and make lies in America that don't have an initlal decision \vhether a shidduch is access tQ mikvaos, we won't stop appropriate. More in1portant, they set building them. Won't you join us in the priorities for their children and have this holy mitzvah? Please donate to enormous influence as to vvhat kind of oufMikvah Building Fund today. shidduch the young man and \Von1an should want for themselves. M!KVAH USA The place to begin the search for ;nUildi11g Mikvaos Across A111erica a shidduch is right at home. Honestly • Co11tnttt11ily Mikvah Constn1etio11 Grants evaluate your O\Vn child. Let n1e give • Halachic SupenJision you some examples: You are \veil to • Outreach Pul1lications do and from a prestigious family. Your •Education son is a lovely young znan of n1odest intelligence. A shidduch is proposed with a comparable family, but the girl You can! Just call is brilliant. She exceeds your son both The Yitti Leibel in intelligence and in her learning. The Helpline. dating process may go well enough, but Hou Rs: the situation is fraught with danger. J\1onday-Friday ...... Run -12pn1 Several Jnonths into the 1narriage, she lv1ond ------~ JtJNE 2007 ------·--·---- As Reb Yisroel Salanter said in a simi· All the adjectives about the young man right. First, let's talk about the extreme lar situation, "The Torah quotes a father are interesting if, first and foremost, he cases. Parents are aware that their child as saying, 'Es bitti nasati la'ish hazeh-1 qualifies as a husband. But if he possesses suffers from a physical or psychiatric gave my daughter [in marriage] tzum only the adjectives and does not qualify problem. The information is not relayed dem mensch (to this man).' The first as a husband, I have failed in my task as to the prospective spouse and/or the requirement is that he be a mensch. a father." He rejected the shidduch. parents. The belief or hope is that it will Everything else is secondary.'' work itself out in the marriage. That is My grandfather, the Kedushas Tzion sheer folly. The deceived spouse feels (the Bobover Rebbe, Reb Benzi on II. MARRIAGE Is NOT A betrayed and is asked to cope with a Halberstam ·pn), was approached with HOSPITAL problem that he or she knows nothing a shidduch for my mothern")l. The young about. Within weeks, the couple finds man was an ilui (a genius). My grandfa do not take credit for this catchy itself in the office of a psychiatrist or ther was not impressed. He said, "I am phrase. I have heard it from psychol physician who explains the nature of the looking for a husband for my daughter. I ogist friends. But they are absolutely problem. When it is serious, the couple ends up divorcing. To what avail? Now, in addition to the problem that one of them had, they both have the stigma of It hurts divorce attached to them. It is simply not true that the revelation of the problem 1oc II before an engagement inevitably leads to the abandonment of the shidduch. om es IC Sometimes it does. But often, when the couple meet with the psychiatrist or se •. the physician and honestly discuss the .. I problem and understand its parameters, 1 the couple continue the relationship and • marriage follows. In other instances, the problem is not so serious. For example, a young man may have an anger management prob lem or the young lady may be a loner who has difficulty in maintaining good It hurts relationships with classmates. Once again, the belief that these problems will work themselves out in marriage is wishful thinking. Parents have an obligation to get help for their young sters before they enter shidduchim. The belief that if they get counseling, az s'vet shatten tzum shidduch (it will hurt It feels better just to talk about it. That's the prospects for a shidduch), is, in my why we're here. Our staff is made up of opinion, not true. But if it were, the caring and sensitive individuals. Together, reality that az s'vet shatten tzum get is we can help you explore your options. We can refer you to recognized professionals even more true. Many of the "quickie" for counseling, legal advice or help in divorces are the product of both dis finding a safe environment. We can also honesty and the belief that marriage put you in touch with some very special I Rabbis. But in order for us to reach out to will cure the disease. It won't. I you, you must first reach out to us. , Confidential Hotline 1 . 8 8 8. 8 8 3 . 2 3 2 3 I· Ill. MARRIAGE Is NOT A I (No caller ID) (Toll Free) "CHANGE" MACHINE I 718 7 I Do it for yourself. ·~N~c~r:a~ O O ·a······~~;~~;~~~r~:;~a~:·~~a~~·;~i~ II J L Do it for your children. ShelomT"kfo"""'Ol(c)(J)choC'1'bl•mg'm'"'''" refrain:Iamlookingforaspouse L--·--·------·----·------·-·------who wi~rengthen m~hl:J r=~ _,~~~~==~l-1~~~'.~-"~~=~~~~~~-~~~=~~=~-.-----==-i Yiddishkeit. What this really means is: My discussion of dates between friends with the in the lives of young couples. It plays a child has gone through some difficult times. sanction being dismissal from the yeshiva serious role in "quickie" divorces. I His or her Yiddishkeit has improved, but it or seminary. Once again, when advice is to Let me be clear. There are instanc I still is not where I would like it to be. I am be sought, it should be with a rash yeshiva, a es where parents should be involved. looking for a spouse who will fix him or her. teacher or a counselor. But there can be no When the marriage has the telltale signs This is a close cousin to 1narriage being a compromising with kedushas Yisroel. of physical or mental abuse, parental I hospital. Instead, in this instance, 1narriage involvement is imperative. But I speak is supposed to provide a spiritual fix. now of the tendency of parents to man i \A/hat parents were not able to accom V. MARRIAGE Is NOT ABOUT age in whole or in part the lives of their plish in twenty years, a young man or IN-LAWS married children. In-law involvement l woman is now supposed to rectify in and strife often begin even before the I short order. The problem, once again, is don't find in-law jokes to be funny. engagement. What kind of vort-down l that the deception is revealed very quickly. There is no single problem that scale, moderate, or elaborate? Are the Instead of going to minyan on time and I exceeds that of in-law interference family gifts for the chassan and kalla I learning with vigor in kolle~ the young i I man sleeps late and is not serious about I I his learning. Or the young lady spends I I her spare ti1ne viewing inappropriate I videos. The disappointment is profound --- and the trip to the rav seeking a divorce I is not long in coining. Marriage not only does not help the situation, it complicates I it. The gulf between the spouses is such I that they are pushed further into their I positions because they seek to gain ter ritory within the marriage. Each spouse I becomes more entrenched and a get I appears to be the only solution. I I THEVORT • The menu for the seuda is I IV. MARRIAGE IS NOT A I RESHUS HARABBIM (A .- ·rtie ·vori ·ceietirat.ion · is" ·to· ·be limited to 3 courses followed by a PUBLIC DOMAIN) discontinued. The L'chaim (held at regular dessert. I the time that the engagement is • No Viennese table and no bar. n talking with young couples, it has announced) should also not turn I become clear to me that there has into a Vort. THE MUSIC been a serious breach in gidrei tze I I THE WEDDING .- ·;,..bani{ may 'consist a a·maximum nius (principles of modesty and privacy). of 5 musicians (one of the musicians I It has become fairly commonplace for .- ·For· ·typica·1 · tamiiies: 'ciri1y· "ioo may act as a vocalist) or four musi I spouses to talk to friends about matters invited guests may be seated at the cians and one additional vocalist. I relating to intimacy in marriage. When chassuna seuda. (The Guidelines problems arise, it is important that they make provision for exceptional • A one-man band is recom I be discussed \vith a rav, a mechaneches circumstances - see full text.) mended. I (mentor), or a trained counselor. • The kabbolas panim smorgas FLOWERS & CHUPA DECOR I But when private aspects of marriage are bord should be limited to basic .- the. t'citai 'co'si 'cit't'tiese· ftenis" I discussed among friends, the most sacred cakes, fruit platters, a modest buf tor the entire wedding should not I aspects of marriage become street talk. It fet, and the caterer's standard exceed $1,800. is simply intolerable. The truth be told, chicken or meat hot dishes. even the dating process has become defiled. When yeshiva bachuri111 or girls discuss FOR THE FULL VERSION OF THE SIMCHA GUIDELINES their dates with their friends, they involve WITH ITS RABBINICAL ENDORSEMENTS themselves not only in lashon hara and rechilu~ but equally serious, they breach AND THE ACCOMPANYING KOL KOREH, fundamental principles of tzenius. I believe lease call 212-612-2300 that there ought to be a flat prohibition on ' ~· .. ---·------. ------·----.--·------·-~ -- ---, ------~ sufficient? Setting the wedding date and and who less. The checkbook becomes receiving in return? Marriages have their selecting the hall for the wedding. Who the ultimate authority. The impact on ups and downs; spouses value matters in i is to have siddur kiddushin? How do you the young couple can be, and often is, a manner that may cause the balance to divide the berachos? Where should the devastating. be perceived as being far from equal. In young couple live? I have seen World The lesson is clear. In-laws have no a society where hedonism and pleasure War Ill break out on each of these issues. rights if they wish their children to be is paramount, marriages are an endan The young couple get trapped into able to live happy lives. Marriage is hard gered species. The fact that the divorce defending their loyalty to their parents. enough for a twosome; it is impossible rate in the secular world is fifty percent Emotions run high and the bitterness for a foursome or sixsome. If you can't is not surprising. lingers on into their marriage. I had provide support without interfering, What is the meaning of this to our one couple tell me that ten years into then just step away. Unless you are deal frun1 society? To the extent that we the marriage, the wife was still resentful ing with a matter of compelling urgency, do not have clearly delineated goals I with regard to a last minute change in spare your children your advice. Let towards which the couple strives, our the mesadeir kiddushin. them make their own mistakes. They marriages will be subject to many I Once into the marriage, the problems will survive their own mistakes. They of the same tensions that affect the escalate. The young couple come too will not survive the decisions (even if secular world. Once the glitter of the I often or not often enough - or what right) that you impose upon them. first months of marriage passes, the is worse, they go to one set of in-laws "contract problem" can raise its ugly more often than another. They spend head. Well, isn't it clear to all couples too little money (they are cheap) or VI. MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST that the goal is to build a bayis ne' eman spend too much (they are spendthrifts). A CONTRACT -THE THIRD beYisroel? For most, it surely is. But for The in-laws don't like the kollel that PARTNER far too many, the answer to the ques the chassan has chosen, or the job that tion "What does our marriage stand the kalla has taken. The young wife is arriages fail and fail early for?" is vague and unexplored. I have too aggressive and the young man to when the focus is on the asked the question many times, and passive, or vice versa. The list goes on M couple itself. If a marriage is frequently get a blank stare from the ad infinitum. And when one or both purely contractual, in which each party couple. They don't know what I want sets of parents are providing finan expects a quid pro quo, the divorce rate from them. My parents' home was cial support, the problem is magnified has to be high. Did I make a good deal? never self-centered. People who needed I many times over. Who is giving 1nore Am I delivering more pleasure than I am advice and counsel from the Rebbe and I ~i:}!} .. Are you ~\/OLUNTEE,_,-;------...·.·.···•• I i -:/<.::;/ ....--;.·.>. . ;~~R KlrcHEN KOsHIBru~ for lall'.}'ers in states A PROPER-, ------SHA~BOSKtt~~EN·- -- -- /, ;-- ,;z>Ji-:i- like CA, NY, FL 1cs ·· & the United King.dom ·· a s~J~~1~ to wotkwiln t r learni~g ~artner t~~lust te;d1. .. ~ii epared fqr Y<;>U· ,_' -w:n-Y/"C/,,NSJd"<'· RABBI MOSHE MORDECHAI LOWY Shmiras Halashon and Shidduchim: ADelicate Balance A Halachic Guide to Acquiring and Sharing lnf()rmation he Chafetz Chaim said that, the need arises. Finally, it is imperative commandment) of"Do not stand by as regarding a shidduch, people to know when to convey information. your fellow's blood is being shed." Tspeak when they should be quiet, What is permissible to relay in the early and hold back when they ought to speak stages of the shidduch process may actu- up. The sattan, he explains, works both ally be prohibited further along in the WAYS TO INQUIRE sides of the fence. In those who have procedure without a hetter from a rav. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • · · • • • • important information that should be When one is asked for information (Note: At the outset, it is important conveyed, the sattan evokes such a dread regarding a shidduch, one must be to properly define negative information of speaking lashon hara that they hold sensitive to the power wielded by the that is given within the halachic category their tongues. In those who are eager to way in which every detail is conveyed. of" leto'elles:' for a constructive purpose. pass on their fleeting negative impres- Your words could easily be the sole When spoken in the manner that the sions, he provides ample encourage- cause of the shidduch being abandoned. Torah prescribes, the words never fall ment, warning them not to violate the Alternatively, withholding crucial infor- into the category of lashon hara. The Torah's prohibition against"standing by mation could allow a shidduch to pro- Torah is not "allowing" lashon hara for as a fellow man's blood is shed." ceed, which might trigger great pain for the purpose of a shidduch. It is defining Since each and every one of us may all concerned. this type of speech as something com- be called upon at any time to divulge The expressions "Do not go as a pletely separate from lashon hara.) information about an individual or a gossipmonger among your people" and In conducting the investigation to family in regard to a shidduch, it is oblig- "Do not stand by as your fellow's blood decide whether or not to pursue a atory for us to become acquainted with is being shed" occur in the same pas- particular shidduch, one must always the halachos of what is permissible for suk. This teaches us that we must be preface the request for details with the us to say and what is not. Furthermore, as concerned about destroying a good statement, "The reason that I'm asking it is essential to know how to properly shidduch as we are about allowing a bad you for this information is because transmit those details deemed hala- one to go forward. All those who stand someone is considering a shidduch chically appropriate and how to obtain idly by and allow a shidduch to proceed, with the person/family." Even though critical information ourselves when knowing that it could ultimately lead one feels that his chances for ferreting RABBILOWY,R1\VOFAGt:DASYISROEl.OfTORONTO, to heartache, which could easily be out the type of information that he is I is THE REcoGN 1z.Eo Post:tK 1N ToRoNTo FoR HALA- prevented by passing along necessary seeking might be compromised by t~is cH1c 1NQu1R1Es coNCERN1Nc s1-1M1RAs HAtA.8110N. information, transgress the lav (negative declaration, he is obligated to announce 12 ---~------·------_, ____ ,,, ____ ,, ------'------~------_------=-i lHl: JLWJSH 0BSERVl~R ------·------,------·--- ! I j his intentions. The reasons for this are sheim ra (slander). it without having to provide damaging j I twofold: Note: Most people exaggerate to a details? Perhaps the response "I don't I ( I. Correct intent: So that neither greater degree than they believe. To think this particular shidduch is for I I the person asking nor the person counteract this tendency, one should you" would be adequate. If the inquirer , I answering questions will be guilty imagine that he himself were the subject persists, "Maybe I'll want the shidduch I - of lashon hara. Certain informa- of the inquiry, and that his own future is anyway. Please provide me with more , 1 tion can be divulged only when the at stake. In such case, one would surely details. I don't want you to be the judge." I, ,1 intent is for shidduch purposes. If play close attention to the phrasing of - only then is it permissible to pass on I J questions are asked and answered any negative information, giving it no the appropriate information (provided I, I without this particular constructive more weight than would be absolutely that all the other conditions are met), I j purpose, the person giving infor- necessary. and even then, strive to keep negative ! j mation would be guilty of lashon 3. Prepare to transmit the informa- information to the absolute minimum j ' hara. And the person asking would tion with the express purpose of aiding necessary. If the person requesting the j I be guilty of transgressing the /av of a shidduch. If you aware of important information will decide not to pursue j j "Do not place a stumbling block information that you know will disrupt the shidduch after you transmit a small j l, before a blind person." a shidduch for someone you dislike, portion of the information, then one j j 2. What to say, what not to say: strive to transmit the details strictly for must stop at that point, because any j I Another reason for specifying the to'elles. The Chofetz Chaim said that in further information is no longer for a I , intent of your questions is so that such a situation, it is incun1bent on a constructive purpose. - I, the person who answers will know person to at least temporarily eradicate Note: A sincere effort to refrain from [ I how to phrase his answers so that negative feelings from his heart so that passing on the details of another per- j they n1eet the requirements of he can transmit the infor1nation \vith son's flaws results in success far n1ore speaking for a constructive pur- the right intention. often than many people realize, and pose. Note: This rule is not only applicable that is the course that must be pursued. to a person that one strongly dislikes. It By letting out negative information, applies as well to anyone for whon1 one one ahvays takes a chance on lowering How TO RESPOND harbors ill feelings, even if they don't another person's chance of getting mar- rise to the level of "strong dislike." It is ried, and substantively influencing that he Chofetz Chaim specifies five important in all such cases to carefully person's reputation and life. Therefore, conditions that must be 1net analyze one's motivation in speaking it is i1nperative to make a genuine Tbefore providing inforn1ation for against that person. attempt to hold back the details if at shidduch purposes. All of the conditions 4. Ensure that the information is all possible. must be 1net concurrently. transmitted in the least harmful way 5. Weigh the amount of harm I. Think through your response possible. If this shidduch needs to be your information is liable to cause carefully. Are you sure that the infor stopped, is there any way of stopping against its benefit. It you are aware mation you are about to share is totally accurate, or is it, perhaps, partially or Yeshiva Birchas Shmuel totally based on secondhand informa UNIORHIGH SCHOOL tion? Note: This requires careful consid eration, since n1any of our impressions of other people are actually based on secondhand information, someti1nes acquired n1any years ago. Because we or the past twelve years, YESHIVA BIR CHAS SHMUEL has may not even be conscious of the ori beenchanging the lives of 11-14 year old boys. With gins of our information, it is in1portant F a unique program co1nbining discipline and love) our to give careful thought to this ques Rebbeim have helped these boys reach new heights. tion before answering. [Secondhand Our talmidim graduate into young men, fully inforn1ation is pern1itted to be shared prepared for entry into the finest mesivtas. under certain conditions. See further for details.) For boys entering 6th, 7th and 8th grades. 2. Don't exaggerate. Say only what DEAN Rabbi Raphael Wallerstein MENAHEL Rabbi Pinchus Wallerstein you know to be one hundred percent For registration or more information, contact Rabbi Pinchus Wa!lerstein true. Don't embellish. Even one word of TEL. 718-252-6964 718-377-5323 [--=-=~~~----=--·· -=~·-=·· ·=···=------;.:_--, .~-.-__. -~·--0 _;•·=·---~-···=···~- ==-=·=·==-i i that the person to whom you are Note: It is a good habit for one to DISCERNING CATEGORIES OF I confiding the information is indis- tell anyone to whom one is relating PERMITTED INFORMATION , creet and will spread the details to information to be extra cautious not to I others outside the sphere of parties spread the information further. e have already explored the ' involved in the shidduch, you are The worst thing about lashon hara halachic guidelines relevant I, prohibited by halacha from sharing is its ability to cause machlokes (argu- W to asking questions regarding , it If the information is so serious that ments). If a machlokes will be caused a shidduch. We have also looked at the 1 you feel that the shidduch should not by the transmission of the information questions that one must ask oneself and : proceed, try to achieve that outcome in your possession, a rav conversant in the conditions that must be 1net before I I, through another means, perhaps by the laws of shmiras halashon should be answering an inquiry. What remains to . asking someone respected by the fam- consulted as to how best to pass along explore is the content of the answer. By ily involved to simply advise strongly the critical information, what words no means does a shidduch inquiry open 1 against the match. should be used, etc. the door for any and all types of infor- i mation to flow back and forth among ,II the concerned parties. We are pleased to announce that However, the halachic considerations that render some information proper Yeshiva Ohr HaDaas and some prohibited are difficult to I define in the space of this article. Expert 1. Staten Island, l\ew York judgment is often needed to determine . is now accepting applications from exceptional whether a particular quality is necessary to trans1nit. The fact is that even a tinge [ young ff11l1 'n who wish to join the n·w1n of a problem can be enough to sidetrack , for next zman. a shidduch. Conversely, a particular I_ problem that looms large in the mind . of the person giving the information '1 ill1Jn Now entering its fifth year, the has learned and may not be a problem at all in the eyes reviewed over eleven hundred blau of NlY.l) with 0')1\'.1Nl, of the potential spouse. For example, ·1· someone raised in a caln1, quiet home as well as hundreds of 0')Y.l0 of 11\J and may interpret a higher level of emotion 1nY 1n'.111'.1. as anger or a temper. However, to the [ couple involved in the shidduch, this ·.I' There are still openings available for committed 0'1'Y.ll1Y.l level of expressiveness might be well within the range of normal, not at all I of 17-21 years of age who wish to join the n11::m in Elu\. worthy of note. 1· If you are interested in learning Nl1)'.J'il1 N::l'?N Nl1l1)JY.ll'.I, On the other hand, there is a level . and are ready for the best zrnan of your life, please of anger significant enough to truly .1 influence one's ability to establish a contact us promptly. peaceful home. This is anger that needs I The Yeshiva's program has been endorsed by to be reported. The questions is, where does the line between personality and HaGaon HaKav Chaim Kanievski, Shlita, HaGaon "problem-causing anger" lie? Obviously, I' HaKav Michel Y. Lefkovitz, Shlita, and HaGaon there is a continuum in the tendency HaRav Aharon Leib Steinman, Shlita. towards anger, and nearly everyone falls so1newhere along it. One's assessment of another person's temper is subjective. I To request an application, or for further information, Someone who displays anger toward employees may be perfectly calm and please call Rabbi Yosaif Asher Weiss at relaxed at home. Son1eone who reacts I 917-8:38-8:328 or 718-:317-7845. with anger to his family might be on his best behavior at work I I Nor do the variables end there. One , must also take into consideration the ii I personality of the person who is answer- ---- . mg the inqmry. From what perspective I ~------~------r-==-=~==~=~~~=---=---=-==~~~~~--0~~=~~~~"=~=~==-==-=~--======---···~·=-i I I 1 is he making his assessment? And, one should they come together despite this sarily damaging another person's life. must keep in mind the other party in minor problem. I the shidduch. Someone who is impatient One who knows this information and 1 with slowness, for instance, will not is asked about it may, however, provide FIRSTHAND OR SECONDHAND necessarily be a proble1n for a partner an answer. Doing so does not violate JN FO H. MAT Io N I1 whose personality leans toward thinking the law of "Do not go as a gossiper ... " · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · and acting quickly. since the information is being offered The first step in categorizing infor- I One must be aware that withholding leto'elles, for a constructive purpose. If mation is to consider whether it f negative information does not ahvays he chooses not to answer, in the belief stems fron1 personal knowledge violate the /av of lo sa'amod al dam that the shidduch will be successful or is based on something one has heard rei'echa. (Do not stand by as your fel· despite this particular piece of infm· from someone else. The Torah sees sec- low's blood is being shed.) The only mation, he has not violated the /av of ondhand information as possibly inac· faults addressed by this /av are those lo sa'amod. curate and it is therefore a potentially detrimental to establishing a Jewish Generally, the rule is that one should dangerous source. ho1ne) a happy 1narriage, and a whole- not volunteer negative infor1nation There are, ho\vever, instances in some relationship. Such faults as bad unless withholding it would violate which one possesses secondhand infor· character traits, i1nn1odesty, or a lack of the lav of "Do not stand by." VVhen mation that is serious in nature and religious co1nmitment, or definite health considering whether to share negative relevant to a couple's future together. problems rise to that level. Specifically, information, one should ask oneself In such a case, the Torah requires that if someone is aware that an individual whether this fact would be ultimately one expend time and effort to verify being proposed for a shidduch has detrimental to the establishment of a the truth of the information for one· a tendency toward temper tantrums, happy, wholesome Jewish home. If the self. The prohibition against "standing engages in imn1oral activities) violates answer to that question is not clear) it by as the blood of one's feJJo\v n1an is Shabbos restrictions, or suffers fro1n a is better to refrain from speaking until being shed" n1eans that it is essential debilitating disease, one must inforn1 the Jnatter is clarified. to check out and report inforn1ation the other party. For all these reasons, choosing the that the other side might consider good inforn1ation that can and should be reason to discontinue proceeding with relayed is very complex. With so much the shidduch. MINOR FAULTS AND on the line, it is essential to ask a she'eila If, for some reason, it is in1possible PROBLEMS whenever there is any doubt. to verify the information, and all five The purpose of the inforn1ation that conditions of relaying infi.)r111ation have here are nlany nlinor faults and foJlo,vs is not to provide a basis for been n1et, one should convey it with a problen1s) ho,vever, that do not making one's own halachic determina· clearly expressed warning that it is based Tstand in the way of a good shid· tions. It is, instead, a guide for helping on hearsay and one does not know duch. Perhaps the woman says she won't to discern the differences between types personally whether it is true. consider anyone who doesn't share her of information so that one can see for Inforn1ation gained from one's o\vn love of music. Withholding the fact oneself where questionable situations personal experience is the ideal type of that a potential spouse has no taste for arise. Learning to distinguish between infor1nation to give. Ho\vever, even this n1usic does not violate the lav. There is different types of information provides cannot be given without careful consid· no important factor standing in the way necessary insurance against accidentally eration. Even with firsthand knowledge, of the couple's proper, happy marriage stun1bling into lashon hara and unneces- one must analyze the source of one)s GOING TO ERETZ YISROEL? No more shlepping those bulky blankets and pillows! No more wasting precious suitcase space! Call us here to get your bedding needs there and save yourself the hassle! We deliver directly to your home or sem/yeshiva, almost anywhere in Yerushalayim. We carry a full line of blankets and pillows, from synthetics to handmade Downs (European plume). All at phenomenal prices! 845·356·8000 Specializing in small batim for a perfect fit. 2 Bartlett Rd. • Monsey, NY 10952 ••• Less HCl$$)e ...less streulf I' -·-·~ ------.---~----~------"'------·-~-·"'------~---··------·--~ r= •·. -- ~· .· •:_ ~- ~;;; .-,;-~ -~--= :. :_ ·~· .• =-i impressions. Are they based on a long- people pause to make distinctions as ful, especially if a person is looking for I term acquaintance with the subject of to which of their perceptions of other a spouse that possesses a certain type of inquiry or a first impression? A recent people fall into the category of fact and personality trait-for instance, someone I encounter or one five years ago? These which are merely opinion. But in giving who is outgoing and social, or serious, and many other questions must be information for a shidduch, these factors or warmhearted. I considered. must be considered. The Chafetz Chaim stressed emphat- 1 The Torah urges the utmost cau- ically that the habit of labeling people tion in delivering one's opinion of and disclosing those labels to others OPINION, FACT, OR another. Labels such as "unfriendly" does immeasurable harm. Instead, one ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY and "disorganized" can be based on must develop the habit of reporting facts little factual evidence and yet, can and without rendering judgements orlabels. ven within the realm of firsthand do exert enormous power in derailing In any case, whenever an assessment information, there are degrees a shidduch. However, character assess- is halachically allowed to be offered, Eof reliability and veracity. Few ments are certainly important and use- it must be dearly defined as such. It should never be passed along as a fac- I tual, definitive description of another I person's character. One must always I be mindful of the subjective nature of [l an opinion, and the complex nature of human beings. l.l While the Torah favors factual infor mation, even here, not everything may I be reported. If there is an emotional or I.I' medical problem that would undermine the inarriage, then the inforn1ation can I be passed along after meeting the five , requirements for answering an inquiry. I This, however, does not n1ean that fl!I every medical or emotional problem is I. .>ubscribe, or give a gift at these reduced relevant. Many couples live in harmony prices: as much as 4001o off the newsstand despite a medical or emotional flaw in 1 price; the longer your subscription, the greater your savings. You and your family will benefit from the one or the other. Because the disclosure 1 many articles of information and tnspfra- of such information can wield a great j Each month, The'Jewish Observer will trbn that they cannot get anywhere efse, deal of power and break a shidduch, one arrr've at your door; filled with the views of leading Torah thinkers on current Of course, this offer is unconditional(y is literally taking two people's lives in his issues ... analyses of Jewish events, focus on guaranteed; you may cancel at any time hands. rfherefore, it is always advisable burning issues, inside reporting, interpretive and receive a full refund for all unde/iv- to ask a she' eila before speaking. commentary, uplifting biographies, infuri- ered copies, no questions asked. One piece of factual information that ating letters and illuminating responses - all within the covers of one magazine, S& order today1 and the very next issue will falls into a gray area is that of age. There The Jewish Observer. be on its way to you as soon as possible. are differing opinions as to whether there is any latitude in answering a questions about a 1nan's or woman's age. Therefore, a she' eila should also be 1 -- -_ ------~----- under an obligation of confidentiality, a shc'ei/a must be asked as to what halacha requires. WHAT MUST BE SAID. SOMETIMES Are you sure that the information you ven in cases in \Vhich halacha are about to share is totally accurate, or permits or obliges one to convey is it, perhaps, partially or totally based Enegative inforn1ation, there are specific ways in which facts must be on secondhand information? transn1itted. There are requirements of halacha which must be ascertained before speaking. There is a very significant difference bet\veen \Vhat may be said in the early stages and what is allowable after an engagement has occurred. Therefore, it is always in1portant to ask a she'eila, Supply only information that assists infonnation you have a1nassed with oth especially if the couple has already the inquirer in deciding vvhether to ers, be they the shadchan, one's n1other become engaged. pursue a particular shidduch. Leave out or one's neighbor. To anyone aware of extraneous details. the ongoing investigation, all one has If you arc about to disclose unflat to reveal is, "We decided not to pursue INFORMATION OR SOURCES tering details about a shidduch prospect this shidduch. lt was not for us:' NoT TO BE USED but are quite certain that the party However, it n1ay occur in the course requesting the infor1nation would be of researching a shidduch that one dis ne is not pennitted to request unlikely to heed your advice anyway, the covers negative inforn1ation that \vould information for shidduch pur infor1nation should not be disclosed. be important for the shadchan to kno\v 0 poses fron1 a kno\vn enen1y of If one finds out negative infonnation in order to prevent another person fron1 the prospect or his family, or even from in a shidduch inquiry, one should use falling into a bad situation. Since this is so1neone \Vho is known to have had a that data solely to determine whether a subjective judgement that is likely to disagreement with them. Although this or not to pursue the particular shid have major repercussions, one should source n1ay be te1npting because of its duch that it was gathered for. Once the ask a she'cila. ability to reveal heretofore hidden nega decision has been 1nade not to pursue Let us all be zocheh to see nachas from tives, it should still not be used. the shidduch, it is forbidden to share the our children and from all of Kial Yisroel. ll3 Not just a cheese, a tradition... Haolan1, the 1nost trusted na1ne in Cho/ov Yisroel Kosher Cheese. A reputation earned through 25 years of scrupulous dc\'otion to quality and kashruth. \Vith 12 delicious varieties. Hao!an1, a tradition you'll enjoy keeping. ,\]) l-lJofarn cheese products Me made in the U.S.A. unda th~ strict r;1bhinkal 'it1pervision (lf: Cholov Yisroel The Rabbinate of K'hal Adath Jeshurun, \Vashington Heights, NY THURM BROS. WORLD CHEESE CO. INC. BROOKLYN. NY 11232 Haolant. L______------~ DR. MEIR WIKLER "You're friendly with Ari, aren't push. This is really getting ridiculous or her mind. you?" Rabbi N. asked me already. Maybe you could speak with "Finally, since Ari has not chosen to recently. him about it?" discuss this particular shidduch with me, "Sure. He co1nes to our home as a 'Tm glad to hear he's finally found it would be highly inappropriate and Shabbos guest every now and then," I someone he is interested in enough to insensitive for me to approach Ari and replied. "Why do you ask?" go out with for six weeks. But it just volunteer unsolicited advice on such a "Well, Ari's been dating a girl I set takes some people longer than others personal matter. Singles have confided him up with for the past six weeks and to make up their minds:' to me that nothing, and I do mean he's taking much too long to make up After a brief pause, I added, "Some NOTHING, aggravates them more than his mind. They were going out twice a singles do have commitment difficulties. so-called well-intentioned people think- week and now he wants to cut back to Major decisions are always a challenge ing that since they are married or older only once a week. I think he's getting for them. And they do need encourage- or both that that gives them the right to cold feet. Someone has to give him a ment to get off the fence and make up tell singles how to run their lives." their minds, one way or the other. In all fairness to Rabbi N., however, oa. W1KLER, A PsYcHoTutRAl'tsT AND FAMILY "But six weeks is certainly not too he is involved in Ari's shidduch. How I 0 0 1 11 0 ~_jj,~:,;:~::0;,;~:\:~~~~'.~~::~.'~:~, :;:~}i~:~ ~p;enolp~l!e1~:n~e~eud~~m~o~r:e~t!h~a~n~f:sg01·hx~(fviyeepesk~s~tfo~ t~oseod~e:c:1~di~emNo:n~~ht:.ms:o~w~~nw:w~: t.lh~oi:i vt~a:~p:~u~s h:;_dl:es~ I FIRST BOOK, HAY/5 Nti''EMAN !3'YfSRAEL; PRAC('[CA!. • 1 1 11 I sr;.;ps To succEss 1.rv MARN/AGE (NEw YoRK: decide whether or not they want to Ari suffering from norrnal engagement Fu.Du1-:1M Punus11ERs, 19ss). THE At'THoR wouLD marry someone. anxiety, or is he experiencing a rnore I .".LSO LIKE TO ACKr-;OWl.EDGE THE CONTIHBUTIONS "In addition, not every delayed deci- pathological form of indecision? Does TO THIS ARTICLE MADE BY THE C!CRRl·.NT MEMBERS oF THE rRoFEssinNAL PEER surtRvisioN GRoup sion is a symptom of pathology. There he need patient, supportive encourage- ro wu1c11 HE nELoNcs: DR. GAiL BEssLER. DR. are many situations in which it is per- mentor professional help? I LARRY l~RvsK1N, DR. RAsH1 SHAP1Ro. DR. BENTz10N fectly legitimate and healthy for son1e- Regarding the Torah prohibition of So•<>TZ«N. ANo DR. EuN w""_TF_.1N_._···----one to take more time to make up-his -- "not placing a stumbling block:~ 18 T 1-J E J E W I S -,~~~~-B-·~--E-H,_~-,E-· ~- ======--=-i the blind" (Vayikra, 19,14), the Sefer shidduch. Instead, the couple should be a policy of "what you see is what you Hachinuch states (Sirnan Mitzvah 232), encouraged to continue dating while the get" be adopted? "It is well known that the perfection of anxious partner tries to draw strength Suppose, for example, that Label the world is achieved through guiding from prior successful adjustments. For is currently not kovei'a ittiln laTorah. people and giving the appropriate advice example, how was entering a new school, He finds his schedule too busy to fit for all their needs." new camp or new job handled in the in a shiur or a chavrusa on a regular The following guidelines, therefore, past? What helped then? How can those basis. He pron1ises Gitty, however) that are being offered to help Rabbi N. and tools and skills be applied now? once they get married, he will set aside all other professional and lay shad Consider Izzy. He had traveled over plenty of time for Torah study. Gitty is chanin1 to give proper advice, as well seas to get engaged to a very special girl apprehensive about going ahead with as to help the Aris (and Ariel!as) of the from an exceptional family. Izzy was the engagement because Torah study is world to answer these same questions excited about all aspects of this shidduch. very important to her, and she would be for themselves. The night before he was supposed to very disappointed if her future husband get engaged, he knocked on his parents' neglected this. hotel room door and confided that he Should Gitty be encouraged to accept I. NORMAL ENGAGEMENT was worried about going ahead with Label's promises? Is this an example of ANXIETY the engagement. His head was pound cold feet? Does her reluctance indicate ing. His hands were shaking. He could a fear of co1nn1itment on her part? f someone were to walk into the not sleep, and he was afraid that he was If she is feeling anxious and worried, street without looking both ways, making a terrible mistake. and the shadchan encourages Gitty I that would be considered reckless For two hours, Izzy's parents sat \Vith to ignore those feelings and "take the behavior. We would not say that person him and talked with him about his con plunge," should she accept the shad was confident and secure. Similarly, if cerns. No, there was nothing about the chan's advice? someone takes the plunge into mar girl that bothered him. No, his future Most readers are probably already riage too quickly, without experiencing in-1aivs did not seern to be in any way answering these questions out loud any doubt or hesitation, that would be difficult to deal with. What then was (unless they are reading this on the considered impulsive and even self causing hi1n to conte1nplate breaking subway) with a resounding, "No, no, destructive behavior. Getting 111arried is off the shidduch? no and NO!" a serious decision and, therefore, should It had been agreed that after their If so1neone tries to reassure his or be taken seriously. marriage, the couple would live for at her partner that after (s)he gets mar When son1eone is dating a particular least five years in the country where the ried, (s)he will only then be able to individual for a while and having dif girl's family lived. Izzy was not sure how succeed at finding a job, a chavrusa ficulty making up his or her mind, there he would adjust to life in that country. or a shiur, or finally quit s1uoking, are two types of"cold feet" that could be Izzy's parents patiently listened to his control his/her temper, lose weight, considered normal: adjustment appre concerns without becoming alarmed or or become less i1upulsive, then the hension and chancing on change. judgmental. How would he feel, they principle of "Lo hamidrash hu ha'ikar Adjustment apprehension refers to asked, if the agreen1ent \Vere renegoti ella hama'aseh" (Pirkei Avas 1:17) - or anxieties related to the dran1atic changes ated to require only a one-year co1nmit "Actions speak louder than words" - that marriage entails. Moving out of the n1ent to live in that country? should be applied. parental home and, in son1e cases, out of Izzy said that that made a big dif Therefore, if so1neone is feeling anx the home town are major adjustn1ents. ference for him, and he felt more ious) worried or hesitant about going Having a full-time, permanent room confident about going ahead with the ahead with a shidduch because (s)he is mate of the opposite gender is another engagement. concerned that the promised change 1uajor adjustment. Time, money and That was about fifteen years ago. Izzy may not occur, these anxious feelings other resources need to be shared in is now happily married, the father of six should definitely not be ignored. As a way that most single people are not children; and yes, he is still living in the Chazal have summed it up, "Ein safeik used to. Both n1en and won1en assun1e country where his wife was born. 111otzi rnidei vadai" ( Yevanzos l 9a), "A responsibilities in marriage that they Chancing on change refers to the doubtful case never supersedes a cer may never have had before. For all of dilemma presented by the promise of tainty." these reasons, the prospect of getting one partner to change a behavior or The shidduch does not necessarily nlarried can make some singles a bit character trait that the other partner have to be broken off at this point. But anxious and apprehensive. finds objectionable. How reliable is that the promises do need to be backed up If this is the root cause of so1ueone's promise? Can the reluctant partner go with enough concrete steps to demon- 1 "cold feet," then it is certainly not an ahead with the engagement and trust strate a sincere com1n1tn1ent to change 1 indication of a reason to break off the that all will go as promised? Or should beyond n1ere verbal assurances. ~The 19 L---·~------··------·.------·------~ -- -1 hesitant partner's areas of concern suffering from this malady may experi People who react this way tend I should be addressed and (s)he should ence similar headaches, stomach aches, to feel threatened by anyone, and ' be encouraged to postpone the engage racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating especially a shidduch, becoming ment until (s)he feels more convinced and feelings of indecision, worry and, too involved in their lives. These about the promised changes. at times, even panic. What differenti are people who need to create and ates pathological engagement anxiety maintain emotional distance at fron1 the n1ore benign, normal variety all times in order to feel safe. And If. PATHOLOGICAL are the underlying causes, which can when people like this are about to ENGAGEMENT ANXIETY be grouped into tv.,ro basic categories: become engaged, their anxiety level closeness phobia and perfection preoc- shoots through the ceiling. athological engagement anxiety cupation. Consider Zissy. In her mid-twenties may appear superficially to con· • Closeness phobia refers to the fear when she first consulted with me, Zissy Psist of the same sy1nptoms as some people have of getting too needed so inuch distance to feel safe that normal engage1nent anxiety. The one close to anyone in a relationship. she could only schedule appointments at least three weeks apart. I accepted this condition, initially, and gradually helped her to tolerate biweekly and eventually weekly appointments. Zissy's emotional defensiveness was extremely understandable in light of her traumatic childhood, having been both verbally and physically attacked by her • be succes~f'llfin yes~l~a1 • learll. HOW t~ learll? abusive mother while her passive father • become a Ben 1brah? • grow in Yiras Shamayim? had failed to protect her. Zissy sought professional help in the Yeshivah Gedo/ah of Midwood believes that a bochur who midst of a shidduc/1 crisis, during which truly wants that opportunity deserves one!! she found herself hopelessly indecisive Yeshiva Gedolah of Midwood has a dedicated and talented staff with a proven track record of after a long-term dating relationship vvas about to n1ove to "the next level." offering bochurim the resources to fulfill their potential. We are geared for bochurim ages 17 and Zissy found herself repeating a familiar older who possess a sincere desire to gro\V in Torah and Avodas Hashen1. In Yeshiva Gedolah of pattern of long-term dating followed Midwood. a bochur who aspires to be all he could be has the opportunity to attain that vision. by feeling anxious and threatened by "offenses" the young n1an comn1itted, which even Zissy acknowledged seemed Yeshiva Gedolah of Midwood to be "nitpicking." was created with the dream of empowering During the course of Zissy's therapy, bochurim to attain THEIR dream. she learned to differentiate between disregard and disrespect. She learned Yeshiva Gedolah of Mid\vood offers moderate-sized shiurim taught on several levels. to be less defensive and suspicious. Our Rabbein1 focus on developing skills. confidenre, middos tovos, and a gesh1nak in She learned to trust and need less con !earning, in a mature Bais Medrash setting. The Hanha\ah is dedicated to OCing mechazek stant reassurances from others. And a serious-1ninded bochur confronting earnest questions and concerns as he ascends to the she learned how to heal her emotional lifestyle and outlook of a true Ben Torah. We offer an accredited Regent's Secular Studies wounds from childhood without setting program for a Talmid who needs to complete his High·Schoo\ diploma. We h11ve the up unrealistic demands for the young experience and knowledge to help our ta\midim reach their goals. And most importantly, at men she dated. Yeshiva Gedolah of Midwood. we truly respect and care for you. The therapy vvas not sin1ple, easy or quick. And there were times that Zissy And our many taltniditn who have been tnatzliach felt so threatened by me that she came beyond their \Vildest dreams are a living testi1nony! close to aborting the treatment. To her credit, however, she never gave up, and For YOUR chance to succeed, please call now: now has a devoted husband and three Rabbi Mendel Y. Belsky Rabbi Dovid E. Levine beautiful children to show for all the Rosh Yeshiva lV!en(lhel hard work she did in therapy. 917-696-7652 718-941-1272 Closeness phobia was the inevitable [ ~·-··········--···--··-········---·····--·---- -··------. -~onsequence-~f Ziss~painfu~:J ---·------~---·------··-----·------~·------·------=l THE JE\V!Sll OBSERVER . ------~------. hood. And it is highly unlikely that Shmully confided that he was just not slept the night before and had been up she would have been able to break the "comfortable" with his fiance's appear pacing the floor of his bedroom, racked destructive cycle of her failed shid ance. More specifically, he was not sure with indecision. He concluded tlJat ifhe I duchim without professional help. that he could accept the shape of her felt so stressed out, it v.1as a clear sign • Perfection preoccupation refers nose. By the end of the session, how that he should break off the engagement. I to the difficulty that some people ever, Shmully concluded that he was I strongly discouraged Shmully from have trying to prioritize their needs overemphasizing this small detail of the acting impulsively and advised him to I and desires. Since they cannot dis shidduch. He felt more confident about wait at least until we could discuss this tinguish between that which is of going ahead but welcomed the idea of further at our next session. I greater importance and that which 1neeting with 1ne again so that he could At our third session, Shmully I is of lesser importance) they see feel even n1ore assured he \Vas n1aking appeared even more distraught. He I everything as vital. As a result, these the right decision. confessed to not following my advice people become absolutely crippled Shmully was practically a basket case and now he regretted it. by agonizing indecision. by the time we met next. He had not Tv.10 days after our second session, People who suffer perfection preoc Shmully ran to his rebbi and poured ! cupation literally drive themselves and those around them to the outer li1nits of endurance. These people are terrified Practical Tools for Life! of making a mistake and feel that they will be devastated by whatever decision they make. When confronted with the Learn how a Life-Coach prospect of getting engaged, they are as can help you identify petrified of losing their partner as they and attain your goals are of being stuck with him/her. and live a happier more These obsessive ru1ninations are not the passing znisgivings so1netin1es successful life! referred to as ('einredenischen." Ilather, they are completely involuntary thought patterns \vhich are si1nilar to the type that the Ra1nba1n writes, "A person is not capable of deliberately canceling or 1nini1nizing." (Shernonch Perakitn LehaRambam Ch. 2) Consider Shmully. He was a well liked, fun loving bachur who had an ivy-league yeshiva resun1e. He was engaged to a beautiful girl from a well established, prominent family. She had Recovery through Torah -1 ! ) -- attended an elite seminary and \Vas pre 1 1 paring for a top professional career. Somehow, Shmully did not feel as ATORAH PATH TO 12 .. ST-P "high" after the engagement as he had expected. In the days following the vort, Shmully began to get cold feet. It RECOVERY FROM ADDICll.,, ; --':},/,;,;"'"--·''' N} becan1e difficult for hin1 to concentrate Internet, alcohol, drugs gambling during sederand his qualms were spiral ing into fits of anxiety. When he finally (including stock "trading") food, voiced his hesitations to his parents, work, shopping. they consulted a rav, v.1ho later referred Shmully to me. Confidential I anonymous phone appointments Shmully was relieved to finally be Clients are assigned a code number; names are never divulged. able to talk freely about his reserva- R bb• V h d M• tions. Just what was it that was bothering ·. a · ·. I ,a e · U · a . JDtz Shmul/y about the engagement? 310-505-0439 • [email protected] L~ith considerable embarrassm~~----~----·------··-----··------··-----~ out his heart about everything except If his rebbi had been so helpful to Nevertheless, I told Shmully that if he that he had been meeting with me. He Shmully, why did he appear so upset? wanted to marry that girl, he would have then asked his rebbi for help in getting Shmully haltingly confessed that he real to run back to his rebbi and beg him to call out of the shidduch. ized that he had made a terrible mistake. the girl's father again. The rebbi spoke with Shmully at length. His fiance was not really that unattractive. Shmt1lly returned to his rebbi, but not He saw how agitated Shmully was and Now that the shidduch was off, Shmully right away. After all, Shmully was under how desperately he wanted to break off realized how wonderful the shidduch really standably embarrassed to approach his the engagement. And he agreed to help. was, and he felt devast1ted that he had lost rebbi. By the time he did meet with his The rebbi then met with the father of such a wonderful opportunity. He then rebbi, the rebbi felt that it was too late Shmully's fiance and told him that Shmully asked me for advice as to how he could to atten1pt to reinstate the engagement. did not find his daughter attractive. Under repair the damage he had done. Shmully then sank into a deep but brief such circumstances, the rebbi cautioned, As the engagement had been broken state of depression, which temporarily it would not be advisable to proceed with almost a week before Shmully told me prevented him from keeping up with his the marriage. about it, it seemed too late to save it. regular sedarim in the yeshiva. This tragic outcome, unfortunately, is not uncom1non for those vvho suffer from preoccupation with perfection. As with the case of Shmully, where professional help was clearly needed, even professional help cannot guarantee that such individuals will be prevented from acting impulsively in a self-destructive fashion. What the case of Shmully clearly illustrates is that if someone is suffering from pathological engagement anxiety, ignoring his or her anxieties, or misdiagnosing them as "cold feet," is clearly counterproductive. DIFFERENT "POKES" FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS he bottom line in all of tbis is: all cases of"cold feet" are not identi Tcal. Normal engage1nent anxiety needs to be treated very differently from Give your son •":i i'1i:i-~ i:Ji'1 iin:ii'1 the more pathological variety. Hopefully, the guidelines presented here will enable MORE than a pair of Tefillin both shadchanim and singles to find the Treat him to a FREE hands-on experience of Mitzvas Tefillin right advice for each individual case of that will inspire him for a lifetime. engagement anxiety so that the words of At Tiferes Stam, the mitzvah ofTefillin comes alive the Sefer Hachinuch can be adhered to as your son is shown how his Tefillin are made. by all who are experiencing or dealing Together you will choose the beautiful Parshios he will wear every day. with those who are experiencing cold feet in the shidduch process. He will be fascinated as he watches our experienced Sofrim and Battim Macher Moreover, all singles of marriageable assemble and prepare his precious Tefillin. Call for an appointment today. age would benefit from reviewing these It's worth the trip. guidelines so that they will be better equipped to assess their own feelings of Rabbi Zvi Chaim Pincus '="l'11l -,911l anxiety, as well as those of their partner, 1664 Coney Island Ave. Brooldyn, NY if and when they arise during the dating 718-336·6866 • 800-45-TORAH process. Finally, any 1narriage prepara tion course instructors, therefore, might even \Vant to include these guidelines as _'mof<~"mmrn:. - j through your local school district's CSE (Committee on Special Education), please be aware that you will now be required to file a request for services before August 1st for your child to be eligible to continue receiving services this coming school year. Please watch your mail for a letter from your district (CSE), which will include the LEARN (Limud, Educational Advocacy and Referral Network) guides and assists parents through the form that you are expected to sign and process of obtaining, free of cost, comprehensive return before August 1st. evaluation and special education services* for eligible students.** ff you have any questions Services include: about this, please feel free to call. •Special Education Tutoring • Speech Therapy •Physical Therapy • Occupational Therapy • Counseling ... and more *Evaluation and services provided through the New York City Department of Education *Eligibility not based on income Call LEARN now to arrange for an evaluation 212.797.9000 ext.325 LEARN is a pro)ect ofAgudath Jsrael ofAmerica Community Services Mrs. Leah Steinberg, Director BAYIS NE'EMAN BEYISROEL RABBIMORDECHAIPLAUT "What is to today as a crisis middos are as they should due to middos! who has good will not get into such predicaments." middos will have a crisis. Others - Rabbi Aharon b but I believe anyone Shteinman, N"V~1::iv Building Jewish Homes "To be descended from a proper ferences within the Torah con1111unity, guide for Binas l1aLev's work, n1eeting home and to build another such and is shared by all committed Torah with Rabbi Lorincz twice a week. Its rab- home, comprises ... all the good Jewry throughout the world. In the pages binical staff also consults regularly with fortune, all the earthly blessings, and all that follow, we will describe two specific Rabbi YosefShalom EliashivN'"""'1:>, who the ethical calling of the Jew. -And is programs in Eretz Yisroel dedicated to givesunstintinglyofhistime.Servingon this not actually basic to all men? Is this preparing young men for marriage: Binas the presidium of Binas Ha Lev are the [ not likewise the basic condition for the HaLev and Chaim Shel Osher. Novominsker Rebbe of New York; Rabbi ' well-being and ethical perfection of the Yehuda Trager, a rash yeshiva in Antwerp; I. nations? ls it not also the precondition and Rabbi Ezriel Auerbach. for all the hopes of mankind?" (Harav I. BIN AS HALEV At a recent meeting with Rabbi I Samson Raphael Hirsch, "Nissan VI" · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · Shteinman, thestaffofBinasHaLevasked I in Collected Writings of Rabbi Samson Binas HaLev, perhaps the most whethertheyshoulddevelopspecialclasses Raphael Hirsch, Vol. 1, p. 107) widely recognized organization for yeshiva students to prepare them for [ The nations of the world may have devoted to issues of home build- marriage. Rabbi Shteinman replied: , abandoned the venerable wisdom that ing in the Chareidi community in What does it have to do just with I: Rabbi Hirsch declared applied to them, Bretz Yisroel, is headed by the son of marriage? One must constantly work as well, but we continue to hold fast to Rabbi Shlomo Lorincz, Rabbi Yitzchak to improve all of his character traits, I this credo, viewing the establishn1ent of Lorincz, a respected teacher in Taln1ud not just because of marriage, but l solid Jewish homes as central to a healthy in Yeshivas Kol Torah in Yernshalayim. because meeting life's challenges is • Jewish society. This is a perspective that Rabbi Lorincz began his involvement in easier for one who has good middos. .1 transcends all ethnic and ideological dif- this field under the tutelage of his wife's So many contemporary problems grandfather, Rabbi Shlomo Zalman are rooted in middos. For instance, [ RABBI PLAUT OF JERllSAl,EM lS EDITOR OF T!-!F b h ... h d h h h b 1 d d 1 Auer ac /':>IT, w o urge im to one w o as een insu te an can- : I :;;:.~·:::~::::~:::::::~:::::::'. :: b•~:~~::;: •:;::::"':.:;~:;'·~-;:; :::;,::~" ili< blow_, ~= I1 -~------Shte-in-ma_n_N .. : s-er-vesa~the-p-rim~~-- -~metimes, aperson ~ay-be d~ 4 r-= ...... I---- TH E JE\VISl-1 0BSEH'VEH , . , nosed as clinically developmentally but the subject nlatter of these sessions disabled. It could well be an illness, varies. A group of tal!nidei chachlunim but usually, what occurs afterwards is is at work for Binas HaLev formulating that if the individual has good mid· a standard curriculum that a chassan 1UJj[ dos, he will not suffer crises. Others should cover before tnarriage. may disagree, but I believe the crucial Rabbi Lorincz noted that, as in1por factor to be middos; anyone whose tant as the pre-marriage sessions are, the Child Development Specialists middos are as they should be will not hard work can take place only after the Helping Infants &Toddlers get into such predicaments. wedding. He told a story about his own While Binas HaLev has won broad fan1ily that sun1s up this most itnportant with Developmental Delays and Disabilities recognition, it is not resting on its laurels. lessons. It is well·known that his father, It is working to advance its effective Rabbi Shlomo Lorincz, and his late ness as much as its resources pern1it, mother i1~V had a wonderful marriage. and wherever it can. Its Israeli branch This was evident to everyone. They were is involved in engaging,<:ounselors \Vho all surprised, however, to find out what are fluent in the native language of those lay behind this beautiful home, as was who consult with them. On the average, revealed at a Sheva Berachos that took 70 calls come in every \Vcck. Those \vho place within the Lorincz family, after inan the phones include counselors \Vho his parents had been niarried for niorc are fluent in Russian, English and French, than fifty years. and Rabbi Lorincz hopes to add Spanish In his remarks at the gathering, the speakers in the near future. elder Rabbi Lorincz said that the Jewish Often, the rabbanim of Binas HaLev hon1e is a Gan Eden. Just as Hashern are faced with proble1ns that result fro111 put Adan1 Harishon into Gan Eden, so, one of the spouses suffering fron1 a con too, when Hakadosh Baruch Hu inakes dition that requires professional counsel· shidduchim (as it says in Bereishis Rabba ing or treahnent. In con1pliance with 68:4), He puts the couple into Gan Eden. the ruling of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein,.,,, However, just as an essential part of the Evaluation and a full range of that one should not use a non-religious initial Gan Eden experience \Vas" le'avda Therapeutic Services provided psychologist, Binas HaLev has arranged a uleshamra" - [Adan1 Harishon was com at our Center or in the privacy professional consulting staff of seventeen manded I to cultivate it and to guard of your home religious experts, headed by Professor it - so, too, inust one fulfill these sa1ne Bilingual Services Available Stanley Schneider. The 50 rabbanim conditions in every individual case of who are the first line of consultation for the n1arital Gan Eden: "Le'avda" refers Services are provided based on the child's needs those who call the telephone hot lines to the positive things that we have to do, as determined by the NYC Early Intervention or visit one of the offices decide when to to be considerate of one's spouse and Program. The Early Intenrention Official will detcnnine the location and provider of any refer a case to the professional staff. They to make him or her happy; "Leshamra" needed services. This Earlv Intervention then carefully follow up the referral by calls for avoiding any negative elements, Program is funded & regulated by the ~1'C Dept. keeping in touch with both the couple so as not to cause any pain or harm to of Health &Mental Hygiene. and the expert involved, intervening as one's spouse. necessary. Rabbi Lorincz commented that people Executive Offices: Rabbi Lorincz stresses that our com- think that they know the two basic ele 649 Thirty-Ninth Street 111unity should of course seek profes n1ents of shalom bayis: that it is basically sional treatment when necessary, but an issue for young couples starting out Brooklyn, New York 11232 only when rabbanim \Vho are then1selves in rnarriage, and that one only need familiar \Vith these sorts of problen1s are worry about it later, should problems Queens Office: involved at every step of the process. or potential problems emerge. Both of 70-14 141 st Street these are mistakes. The work is constant Flushing, New York 11367 and serious, and applies to everyone on MENTORING: BEFORE a continual basis. Every day brings its MARRIAGE, AND AFTER own challenges and opportunities. Every SERVING BROOKLYN, QUEENS, stage in life requires effort to fulfill the STATEN ISLAND & MANHATTAN ost young men have sev special avada and shemira that is appro· eral sessions vvith a 1nadrich priate to it. www.challenge-ei.com L.M (mentor) before marriage, Rabbi Lorincz sum1ned up on a per- 25 1=====--=-~---0-~~------=---=--=-= =~ sonal note: "Every day I work on n1yself 111ust work at it. com1nunity. This is not just because the with a deliberate effort to 111cLximize the best''defense" is an "offense;' and certainly 1· issues on which I will defer to my wife. not because it n1initnizes the seriousness I' Therefore, I continue to have a Gan Eden II. PURSUING HAPPINESS - of the problems where they already exist, until today." CHAIM SHEL OSHER OF BELZ butbecausethereissomuchtodoandso I' In response to his re1narks) Mrs. Lorincz · · • · · • • · · • · · • • • · • • · • · · · • · • • · · • • • n1uch growth to be gained from properly noted, "And I do the same thing:' Chaim Shel Osher-literally,A Happy established Jewish homes. The family was stunned. This wonder- Life - was started about ten years Chaim Shel Osher's main emphasis is ' ful couple, whose positive, deep relation- ago by the Belzer Rebbeto enhance on the services that it provides after the I ship seemed natural, achieved this status married life in the Belzer community. The wedding. There are special days of speeches . only as a result of hard and constant organization sees its mission as ensuring and study for those in their first year of effort on both sides. a sturdy foundation for Belzer homes in marriage, but the most important task 1· The botto1n line is that everyone Eretz Yisroel that are themselves the basic of the organiz.:'ltion is to arrange for each can have Gan Eden, )?ut he and she building blocks of the worldwide Belz newlywed man to have a personal madrich (mentor) who meets with him regularly. . rrhese counselors are given general ' training and guidelines that \Vere devel 1 oped by the organization based on its experience, in consultation with dayanim, RABBI SHLOMO TEICHMAN rabbanin1, professional experts, and the 'f)ean Rebbe himself: The madrichim present RABBI AVROHOM GREENBERG themselves as friends and not rabbanim '1Jean - even though most are in fact rabbanim. MRS. fAIGIE SELENGUT Cooriinatlff The ideal relationship of the madrich with his young chassan is that of a big brother with a younger brother. At least twice a year, Chaim Shel Osher organizes special days (yemei iyun) for chassanirn before they nlarry, to ensure that every chassan will be able to attend at least one such gathering. Speakers at these seminars are drawn from the entire spectrun1 of the Chareidi com1nunity, and are people who deal regularly with these matters, including rabbanim and Chareidi health professionals. There are also regular yemei iyun for young avreichirn (married men) and for won1en, and once a year, there is also a day dedicated to the interests BYA HALF DAY SEMINARY: of older yungeleit. • For the "BaL~ Yaakov graduate who desires continued irnp '1'1:1'°J Chaim Shel Osher has found that prepa and development of a solid n~pvn for her adult years +FACULTY+ ration in advance of marriage is of limited R' Naftali Bruck PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS: value. The issues and feelings that the young R' Yosef Mitnick men encounter once they are married are, R' Shfomo Teichman * /nteracliH' 1'isit.'> with Ql'J11) * Optional mid-winter trip to 'JNi\!Jl'iiN for the most part, virtually unimaginable to Mrs. Yehudit Davidowitz * Varied and multi-faceted extra Mrs. Miriam Eisenberger curricular programs * Job Placement them until they actually experience them. Mrs. Mirf Krolzer * Trip_s lo }ewi.'>h communities and * Credit for c/as>worf<.· can be applied It is therefore vital that they have someone Miss Rochel Licht imtilutiom ou/_>ide Brooklyn to post high >ehool dr:>grcf' program> vvhon1 they know and trust, in the person Mrs. Breindy Reiss * Guest speakNs on the Europe.m and government funding is· dvai/<1b/e ,md immigrant experiences, !he of the madrich, who is able to help them Baal Tesh(lvah movement and many other topics over any rough spots that they encounter. * Panel discussiom on _1uhjects of .:-1 warm, invo[ve,f atmosphere utitfi an Sometimes the madrich is able to spot and empfiasis on imHvUfua[ attention. Jewish concern smooth out issues before the young man is even aware of them. 1213 Elm Avenue• Brooklyn, New York 11230 • 718.339.4747 Ext. 115 Thus, contact is made right after the end I ------·----- ______,, ______of Sheva Berachos, and the 1nadrich and l::_ _J ~------~-~~--~~·-" .. -=---__ ~_---=-----=--1 -~ -~-~--E -~---•_s-_:_,- -o~_"___ s =·="-_v --, =R=---=- -_-_-_-_----~------~-~---==--=-i--_ . How to Prepare for Marriage by Rabbi TZvi Hus Having devoted great effort to distill •Working on Yourself-Be prepared for You must be prepared to give to the limits his considerable experience into a few whatever effort is necessary to build a of your abilities, and then to stretch those points that chassanim should contem deep understanding between yourself and limits, This is the ortly way to reach the plate as they approach their upcoming your spouse, and to create from scratch love and happiness that can be part of marriages, there are five points that the unity that you can achieve. your relationship, and to achieve the stand out: • Tolerance - Realize and decide in serenity and peace that everyone hopes • AcceptingReality-Be prepared to find advance that in principle, it is not pos for. and accept weaknesses and shortcomings sible to change the middos and character • Learning-Be prepared to constantly in your kal/a that may even be quite seri of anyone else, and in particular, that of learn more about yourself and about ous. Nonetheless, you should realize that your spouse, and that you will approach your spouse and about your needs and Hashem is the responsible shadchan, that marriage fully prepared to accept her as relationship-from the mostfondamental you are also far from perfect, and that the she is. principles to the tiniest details. Use your two of you are folly capable of living a • Giving-Enter marriage with a readi knowledge to improve things at every wonderfol life together. . ness to give and to give, again and again. opportunity. the newlpved meet regularly for at least Zurich in Europe. In America, it has repre groups have also come to them for advice several months. Much thought has gone sentatives in Boro Park, VVillian1sburg, and and training. into defining the counselor)s role, what his Monsey and in Canada. Other Chassidishe Except for the central staff members, relationship should be with the young man, and what he should and should not do. The organization stresses, for example, that they PINC:EIAS .lVE.A.NDEL Over 50 years experience in Kvura in Eretz Yisrael should learn a text and cover basic halacha, Serving the North Amencan Public and Funeral (ndustry but the mad rich shmtld not lose sight of the 7N1\!I' ]'1N ]'N ;'111~i7 )1N JJi71i7 fact that a very important goal is to establish Personal responsibility throughout service - NOT JUST "PAPERWORK" a personal tie to the chassan so that he will ORIGINATOR OF THE PRESENT RABBINICALLY APPROVED METHOD feel comfortable discussing any issues that Highly recommended by Gedolai Hador- Here and in Eretz Yisrael may arise in his married life. 1628-42nd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11204 Though Chaim Shel Osher is focused on preventing problems, it also assists should Day & Night phone: (718) 851-8925 diffintlt situations develop, and it seeks ))1t''ON1~r.lNj7 )1l"j7 - )'1:J 1NJ 1110:1)1 'll~ outside professional help where needed. Kavod Haniftar with Mesiras Nefesh and compassion for the bereaved family. Chaim Shel Osher has proven to be the TAHARAS HANIFTAR SHOULD NEVER BE COMMERCIALIZED address for all matters that have to do with the home for the Belz community. i\tost of us have several areas that co1n- pete tOr our ti1nc and attention. \\'hen Life B a l ance these areas arc in harrnonv. vou will experience a W!lln nnlltJ '...'__.'._peace of ON THE REBBE'S INITIATIVE A Life-Coach n1ind - inaking you a rnore effective, happier person. can help you fn 2-3 1nonths, using weekly private phone sessions you can learn to abbi Tzvi (Herschel) Hus is the develop and effectively take control of your life. founder and manager of Chaim maintain a HOW MUCH MORE PRODUCTIVE AND ENHANCED WOULD YOUR LIFE BE WITH BETTER LIFE BAIANCE? Shel Osher. He says that the wholesome R WHY COACHING? ln1proving one's life rneans n1aking change; and initiative for the founding of the orga balance people need support and structure to keep distractions and obstacles frorn nization came from the Rebbe himself. between the S\VJn1ping their dreains and goals. Coaching provides that solid fran1ework Begun first in the n1ain Belz center in important of support and structure. areas of I have over thirty rears experience in helping people fulfill their drearns. Ycrushalayin1, it is now a presence in have authored books, articles and produced cassette progran1s every Belz com1nunity in Bretz Yisroel, your life. on this subject, and have taken special Life-Coach courses. including Bnei Brak, Ashdod, Haifa, Beis FREE OFFER - I would be happ)' to give you a free telephone session. Please Chilkiya, Tel Aviv, and Tzefas. ca!! USA 845-552-1175 for an appointrnent. Thank you. -MR. AVI SHULMA.i~ In addition, Chaim Shel Osher also Live a Life ofDesign, Not Default has functioning branches in most Belz co1nmunities around the \Vorld, includ- L~ntwerp,London,~anchester,.and • Shalom bayis is a holy and wonderful goal for every couple in the world. It is not just a cure for the sick. Not only troubled couples have to attend to it. • At every age and in every stage in life, it is a challenge and an oppor tunity. Two can always improve their relationship in order to achieve the promise of Chazal: If a man and a woman merit it, the Shechina dwells with them. No one thinks that it is ea;y or trivial to merit dwelling with the Shechina! • We know that we all daven three times each and every day. No one says,"! already davened when I was young. I do not have to wony about it today." • ·whoever takes this goal to heart anew will revolutionize his life, and the ultimate dividends will be seen in the children, both young and old. This is the way to ensure that the spirit of the family is one of love and loftiness, with the potential for constant growth. • There is a Chanuka halacha that sheds an interesting light on shalom bayis. If one only ha; one candle for Shabbos Chanuka, he should use it for a Shabbos candle and not for a Chanuka candle. Why? Because the Shabbos candle con tributes to shalom bayis, which is of supreme importance. This hala cha applies to all couples, not just those with problems, because sha lom bayis is important for everyone and needs strengthening in every ho1ne. Moreover, according to inany authorities, this halacha even applies to a single person! This shows us that the root of shalom bayis is in each person with regard to himself. If one is at peace with himself, he or she will be at peace with others, as well. ail of the participants work on a voluntary Rabbi Hus stresses that many chas SUMMER VACATION ON CAPE COD basis. This ensures that the services are sanim get married thinking that it is just Clean sandy beach!l, boating, crui!ll, fishin~ available to everyone in the comn1unity, the next stage in life. The truth is that the water parks, fami~ fun and much more and not just to those who can afford to married state is life itself Building a Jewish COHGREGATION BETH ISRAa Of ONSET CAPE COD AFAMILY FRIENDLY ORTHODOX SYNAGOGUE pay for assistance. home is what Jewish life is all about. fill Friday Night 1:00PM • shab6ats:45 AM Sull-fri 8:00 AM, 7:00 PM Open Ill~ I· Labot Dty Nearby cottage< and hotek Eli0!1Ve11<1YH.1U1617'f,[email protected] ~#~~~~~Pi!~«uw~tbinptodo · aEYlllS•U,o~~M~~~-'/\ .[! ~C~!liit6r~, ;··········: TRAINING RECEIVED IN OUR PROGRAM Get.a cell phone Rabbi Yoel Kramer Classes begin August 29th from the· people EDUCATIONAL DIRECTOR NEW FORMAT: Classes once a week Rabbi Chaim Wein For more information or registration please contact yo~ can trust I DIRECTOR Rabbi Yehudah Rupp at 845-292-4963 YESHIVA YESOOEI HATORAH ~ """ -Wl!J MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA Total Communication solutions Sixth Grade Rebbe Position Available Attractive Salary package 1·8.66 .. 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I J-866-403-8454 I Should you l-vish to speak to a US representative of our 1'01n e-mail: L_I please call 732-740-9829. [email protected] ------1 THE JE\VISH ------·------___ ' DR. MARVIN SCHICK The Orthodox Communitv's "\vas in Stan1ford, Connecticut, in that way. They recognized, at least to an day school education, but alone even in Noven1ber, as one of so1ne forty extent, that day schools may be appro the community that constantly trumpets I participants in a two-day conference priate for the relatively small number the value of Torah education. organized by a major philanthropist in of Orthodox families, but they believe conjunction \Vith the Israeli govern that these schools are certainly not for n1ent. 1"he conference was convened children whose parents are headed out WALL-TO-WALL SILENCE? to consider what might be done to the door of Jewish life. Accordingly, they counteract the crisis in North American saw no reason to encourage or assist he silence of our leadership is Jewry arising from the wholesale aban day schools. telling. It has been three years don1nent of Judaic commitment and In fairness, they did enthusiastically Tsince the New York Federation identity. We were to deal specifically embrace the suggestion advanced by a terminated basic grants to our schools. with the concept of peoplehood - European billionaire, who has spent tons Inadvertently or not, through their a n1uch-used tern1 these days whose of 1noney inarketing the ersatz product (public) silence, our community leaders n1eaning escapes me - as well as Jewish called Jewish secularism, that day schools have been complicit in this wrongful education. I n1ade the serious 1nistake of devoid entirely of religious content and deed. True, some of our askanim (advo thinking that any discussion of Jewish purpose should be established. As for cates) have met with those who stabbed education as an instru1nentality for religious day schools, it was the attend meaningful Jewish education in the reversing Jewish losses would highlight ees' collective opinion that they scarcely back and are negotiating with them, but day schools, and would consider how to merit com1nunal support. The prevailing they are unwilling to publicly confront support, strengthen and expand these view was expressed, perhaps with more Federation. Even if Federation would institutions that n1ore than any others gusto than was intended, by a man now announce, as some think or hope can i1npede the corrosive impact of much respected in high cultural circles, will happen, that it will provide some assimilation. who declared, "I don't care at all for day measure of funding for our schools, it Most of my fellow participants, schools." At that point, I exploded. is not possible to compensate for what including some notables, did not see it The event was, for me, one 1nore was lost the past several years. reality check, one more unwelcome We may understand and perhaps for MARVIN SCHICK ll."-S '.:iERVED FOR MORI:: THAN ONt> milestone in n1ore than a half-century give the secularists for their not caring ·1 rtllRD OF A CENTURY AS PI he day school movement was Call me today to hear about these new once the treasure of Orthodox optional features: New Car Replacement. Accident Forgiveness and Deductible Rewards. Tlife, particularly of the yeshiva world. It is no longer the cherished trea (718) 268-1700 sure; we have been failing in properly supporting our day schools and elemen- tary yeshivas. The yeshiva world (I use this phrase to refer to the non-Chassidic Chareidi community) can no longer Martin Levy provide for the educational needs of n1any of its ov·.,rn, \vhich sharply contrasts 103-20 METROPOLITAN AVENUE with how Chassidic sectors go about ful FOREST HILLS filling their educational responsibilities. [email protected] Allstate, Within Chassidic groups, yeshivas and You're in good hands. Call or stop by for a free quote schools for girls are the highest prior- ity, and this is evident in their facilities) scholarship approach and admission Feature is optional and subject to terms and conditions. Available in select states now and 1n most staies by 1/31/06 (subject to regulatory approval where reQuired). Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company Northbrook, IL. ©2005 Allstate Insurance policy. Because of the high fertility r~te, Company there is constant pressure to add seats ------rnMod:io= G•o>o> d= I I' are'" not denied admissionm~>llmmc because Chihhm--:d:I~'.,'.=::=~ of students as marked for failure.:.::~-~~f Why do is obviously "'=~>~•~» of rabbinic origin. Since its ! insufficient space or because they are we not follow the guidance of one of purpose is to strengthen the fulfillment insufficiently intelligent. They are all the transcendent Torah leaders of the of the Torah requirement, it assumes accommodated. past one hundred years when we decide the power of Torah law. Thus, says the This accepting approach is not found chinuch issues? Bnei Yisas'char, if a parent provides within the yeshiva world, and the situ- ation is deteriorating. We offer scant leadership and, as a consequence, there is little planning. Increasingly, there is a culture of exclusion, of denying admis We dare not pigeonhole students sion, or expelling those \vho were once as marked for failure. Why do we not admitted. When I sat down to write this article, there were dozens of eighth follow the guidance of the Chazon lsh, grade girls in Beth Jacob schools who one of the transcendent Torah leaders of had not found a high school that would admit them for next year. Nearly all have the past one hundred years, when we since been placed, thanks to the initia decide chinuch issues? tive of a lay leader and the involvement of leading roshei yeshivas. Imagine the insensitivity of telling frum Jewish girls at the age of thirteen or fourteen that they are failures! (Have any steps been TORAH SCHOOLS: CONSUMER for the religious education of only his taken to make certain that this should PRODUCTS OR COMMUNAL own children and is not concerned for not reoccur?} OBLIGATION? the children who are poor or whose People claim that the architects of the parents will not or cannot provide a rejectionist mentality- the professional gain in contrast to Chassidic Torah education, he transgresses not n1echanchin1 and, at times, parents - are groups, the yeshiva world has only the rabbinic decree, for he has also wonderful people. I imagine that most Abeen operating far inore than not fulfilled the Torah obligation toward of then1 are. Yet, with too few exceptions, most of us realize \Vith the alien notion his own children. they function within a culture where that religious education is a consumer rejection rather than acceptance has product or service, and not a communal become the thing to do, and through obligation. This represents a shocking IN SEARCH OF BOLDNESS their actions, they strengthen what is rejection of the moral, even halachic, wrong. In their vievv, a yeshiva or Beth imperative that has guided our religious e are often reminded that Jacob demonstrates that it is a strong life for two thousand years since the Orthodoxy in this country school by turning away students. In the Talmudic period, when it was decreed W has been transformed from process, we are turning a blind eye to by Yehoshua ben Gamla that the com a meek and compliant segment of the cruelty that has arisen in our n1idst. munity must share with parents the American Jewry into a com1nunity that We pay attention only when this cruelty responsibility to provide a basic Torah - \vhatever its internal differences - is affects our own families. education for all children - especially confident and assertive. While there During this past year, The Jewish for the education of children from is some truth to this, there is also a Observer has featured a series of transla poorer homes. n1easure of oversi1nplification. When tions of the memoirs of Rabbi Shlomo Yehoshua ben Gamla's mandate has \Ve were in that meek mode, we built Lorincz, who for decades represented been universally accepted for 2,000 years yeshivas and day schools and changed Agudath Israel in the Knesset. The by all religious Jewish co1nn1unities, lives. We reached out to unaffiliated articles focus on his contacts about two with the exception of so1ne American and marginally observant families, and generations ago with the Chazon !sh. Orthodox Jewish groups in the current urged parents to send their children to In one early meeting, Rabbi Lorincz period. I am indebted to Professor Aaron our schools. We provided scholarship suggested that separate senior yeshivos Twerski for the following lesson taught assistance to these children) as well as to 1 be established for weaker students, an by the Bnei Yisas'char : The requirement children from poor homes. Not exactly approach that the Chazon !sh strongly to teach Torah to one's children is an a meek and retiring attitude. rejected. He alluded to a prominent rash obligation that is stated in the Torah There has now been another trans- I, yeshiva who in his youth was regarded itself, as we all know fron1 our recitation Lweak-student,a-n~~et.-~nerged as a -- l~mtresK,uh-D(_"ko She/To_ra_h ______, __ r==~=------·-··~-----~~=------··-··------_----~u-_,_--, __ ;__~~---0 ?------~=-~·---~·-····------·-·----=-i ~ --- i : serious neglect. This may be benign emergence of significant pockets of A NOBLE PRECEDENT and unintended, but it is neglect just wealth in our midst. The lesson has been the same. We do not want children who well-taught and accepted: basic Torah hen Rabbi Shneuer Kotler are not as "good" as our own kids in education is not a tzedaka priority. The '?"Yr took ill in the final our schools, nor do we care to establish affluent in our comn1unity are in the W months of his noble life, I and sustain religious schools for those aggregate more interested in the false would visit him once a week. The last whom we do not accept as equals. The god of hedonism and self-indulgence visit occurred the day before he went to decline in enroll1nent in outreach and than in adequately giving to charity. Our Boston for medical treatment, where he i1nmigrant schools is extraordinary. social and religious lives are marked by passed away a v.1eek later. Rav Shneuer Nor do we feel a need to support extravagant celebrations and costly ven was in good spirits, particularly because basic Torah education, which explains tures for ostensibly spiritual purposes, at long last the final volumes of his why a great number of yeshivas and day while avoiding the obligation to provide father's chiddushei Torah would soon be schools are in crisis during a period of for the institutions that are vital to the published. After a while, he had trouble steadily rising tuition charges and the Jewish future of Jewish children. breathing and medical help was called. I got up to leave, but he said that he wanted to speak to me. I went for a walk You've taught for years, and on the way met Rabbi Tzvi Rotberg, done homework with your children every night, who was beginning his epic work as the editor of Mishnas Rav Aharon. watched your daughters and nieces become certified When Reb Tzvi and I returned to the teachers ... house, Rav Shneuer asked Rabbi Yehuda Jacobs, then as now a mashgiach at Bais Medrash Govoha to bring the sefer of Now it's YOUR turn the Chazon Ish's letters. He turned to Volume I, letter 64, and read the open to earn a degree! ing lines. For whatever reason, it was more than twenty years later, when Reb Tzvi re1ninded 1ne of the episode, that I >- Weekday morning and/or evening EXCITING NEW first read the entire letter, which, as Rav classes to accommodate busy Shneuer had told me, was addressed to PROGRAM FOR schedules Rav Zalman Sorotzkin in his capacity > Seminary and lJfe·experience credits as the head of the Vaad Hayeshivos, the ADULTS accepted central agency for providing funding to > One·Otl·one mentoring to help you the 1najor advanced yeshivas in Israel. In achieve your goal this letter, the Chazon !sh wrote: Experienced mothers & >- Knowledgeable staff to help 'retrieve "The future of Jewry is in the teachers are invited to credits earned in the past as you work few tinokos she! beis rabban, the few earn NYS Teacher towards your future cheder children. They, the bastion of Certification in Special >- Graduate Program for womE;!n \Vith our continued existence, are in dan Education. undergraduate degrees in other fields ger for lack of funds .... [The Chazon !sh then implored Rav Sorotzkin For more information to help bring about an agreement and an application, providing for the major yeshivas to] please call REG I ST RATION NOW' ~ donate a percentage of their budgets from the Vaad Hayeshivos for the MRS. LEAH DONN, OPEN FOR ~ good of the Talmudei Torah, [for PROGRAM their survival] is the survival of the COORDINATOR, yeshivos, as the Talmudei Torah are at 718-859-2034. -;::;·~~ their own flesh and bones." This was written in 5707 (1947), when the advanced yeshivas them THE INSTITUTE FOR SPECIAL EDUCATION selves were suffering extreme financial hardship. The Chazon !sh concluded his letter by saying that , ";, ;, '• b"'""'' '""" ""' ":J 1-- THE J1°:\VISU 0BSEl{VEH: 1 ------::======;;;;;·=-- -~----- ! an in11nediate solution." 2 students who are being educated in a the part of our community that for Nor was this transcendent Torah dual curriculu1n at an annual cost of less decades took direct responsibility for leader unique in his advocacy. V\le have than $5,000 per student per year. the day school movement and, indeed, the extraordinary example of the great One of the justifications offered by created kiruv and immigrant schools, Rosh Yeshiva of Lakewood who, despite religious Jews who shirk their obligation and now seems to be turning its back on the burden of carrying his own yeshiva to assist yeshivas is that there is much them. How ironic. And how tragic. and the demands placed upon him by waste in their operation. In truth, with Something has gone terribly wrong his leadership of Kial Yisroel, took direct few exceptions, our schools are greatly and is likely to be reinforced and responsibility for Torah Umesorah and underfunded, and staff and faculty are spread unless it is challenged by the the day school movement, which then greatly underpaid. Most yeshivos stint respected leaders of the yeshiva world. consisted almost entirely of elemen on nearly everything, ranging fron1 their These are men of learning, devotion tary schools. He also created and took facilities to badly needed educational and accomplishment. They are also responsibility for Chinuch Atzmai, the enhancements, and nearly everything extremely pressured and busy. Yet, network of elementary school yeshivos else. we look to them to provide leader in Israel, raising funds despite this activ It should not be surprising that a ship on the issues that I have raised ity limiting what he could raise for his significant percentage of the students because there is no alternative source own great yeshiva. He did not say that in our poorer schools, which include of leadership. That which steers us basic Torah education \Vas a parental immigrant and kiruv schools, do not wrong is a dynamic force. That is, the responsibility. Why have we neglected continue in a religious high school. For elements that have contributed to our his example? Why have we abandoned some of these families, the poor qual failure to be obedient to the standards the lesson that he taught? ity of the curriculum in the religious that have been adhered to by Jewish I schools serves as a turn-off. comn1unities ever}"vhere are powerful What is most disheartening about forces in contemporary religious life. MISPLACED PRIORITIES the developments that l am describing Unless they are challenged, tomor is that they are occurring within the row's yeshiva-world reality will be i abbi Moshe Feinstein was, as we yeshiva world segment of Orthodoxy, even worse than today's. !:@ i know, a truly great man who R\vas 111ost respectful of others. It is notable that in a teshuva (halacha response), he wrote that most of the I affluent in our community do not prop erly fulfill their tzedaka obligations. At I the annual Agudath Israel conventions, he would repeatedly declare that he is rarely asked halacha questions about ... I tzedaka and chinuch. In New York, as else\vhere, there is a powerful movement to sharply I increase governmental allocations to "\\i\' public schools. In this state and New I Jersey, the annual cost per child for a single-curriculum public school educa I tion is now above $ l 2,000 - and this is I said to be inadequate. Governor Spitzer proposed increasing the per-student I I expenditure by about $3,000 per year, I and the N.Y. State Legislature approved I this proposal. For some, this is still I I not enough. In New York, there are th_oL1_sands of yeshivos_ and day school I I 2 The Chazon Ish made a sin1ilar appeal for Bais Yaakov. Because his letters on chinuch touched I directly and importantly on the issues raised in this article, I have had the letters translated I I into English and I a1n endeavoring to have them I L'_~ ______.. ---.--·-·- -~-_d T H E JEWISH 0 B RABBI SHLOMO LORINCZ PREPARED FOR PUBLICATION BY YONOSON ROSENBLUM I i I Rabbi Lorincz Agudath Israel In the Israeli Knesset from 1951 which lime he was an intimate o! a number of Torah luminaries of !he half The I extensive notes !hat he serve as the basis ol !his article on his with the Brisker Rav, Rabbi Yitzchok Ze'ev Halevi Solo11eitchik I I The Brisker Rav lrom His foresight I ne of the Brisker Rav's out Although he sees the potential danger, number of prohibitions. It was truly a standing qualities was his fore just as I do, he feels that as long as no case of religious persecution. (Readers 0 sight, as he himself once told active harm is being done, there is no who are unfamiliar with this scandal are me: "! was given the gift of foresight. reason to raise objections; if it becomes advised to read Rabbi Moshe Schonfeld's When someone plants a seed in the necessary to pull up the tree, that's what Genocide in the Holy Land.) ground, I can already see the tree that will happen. And the truth is that the The scandal stirred up great emo will emerge from that seed, along with Chazon !sh has the power to uproot a tions in the Chareidi community. all of its branches and fruits. If! see that tree that has fully grown." Consultations took place in the Brisker the fruits will be of inferior quality, I try Rav's home to determine the best plan of to uproot the seed before it is absorbed action. The decision was made to sound into the ground, because there are times DON'T Do Us ANY FAVORS the alarm in the Diaspora, and enlist when uprooting a fully grown tree is the aid of Jews around the world. One impossible." he following story occurred in suggestion was to publicize a prohibi The Rav added that this was the connection with the "children tion against 1naking donations to the difference between his approach and T of Teheran." These were Polish United Jewish Appeal as long as the acts that of the Chazon !sh. "My method children, most of whom came fron1 of religious persecution persisted. is to pull up the bad roots when it is strictly religious homes, who were res One of the rabbis who participated I still possible to do so easily. I don't cued from Europe during World War II in the discussion told the Brisker Rav wait for the danger to become a fait and brought to Teheran. From there, the that a highly respected rabbinical figure, I acco1npli, when chances are that it will Jewish Agency's Youth Aliya department revered by the Religious Zionists, was I be either difficult or even impossible brought them to Eretz Yisroel. As soon prepared to sign the boycott against the . for me to reverse matters. The Chazon as the children reached Eretz Yisroel, the United Jewish Appeal. This rabbi main ! !sh, however, has a different approach. vast majority of them were brought to tained that the noted rabbi's signature non-religious kibbutzim, where they would make a strong impression on I RABBI ROSENBLUM, WHO UVES IN JER(ISALEM, IS A CONTRIBL'Tl:-.IG EDITOR TO [HE }E\VISH OBSERVER. were forced to give up their religion in the public by showing that even more 1-!E IS Al.SO DIRECTOR OF THE ]SRAELI O!VlSJON OF the most chilling ways. They were fed "moderate" rabbis had signed, not only AM ECHAD. THE AGL'DATH !SRAEL-INSPIRED EDUCA- non-kosher food, were given chameitz those who \Vere vie\ved as extremists. flONAL OUTREACH EFFORT ANO MEDIA RESOURCE. i on Pesach, and were led to transgress any But the Brisker Rav opposed ~ L------~· -·---~------~------J U N E 2 0 0 7 idea. "The essence of the idea is not a foreseen the way events would unfold. to stir up a good one, nor will it be to the benefit Everything happened exactly as he had diminished. of that rabbi;' he explained. "After he said. signs, the Histadrut [the labor union], The leaders of the Zionist establish the Jewish Agency and the rest of the ment, led by Rabbi Fishman-Maiman BETTER A WISE MAN THAN A establishment will put massive pressure (the head of Mizrachi), came to the PROPHET on him by saying that he is causing tre noted rabbi and told him stories about mendous da1nage to the co1nmunity in steps that had already been taken to made a habit of going to see the Eretz Yisroel. They will express regrets right their many wrongs. When he Brisker Rav at least three times a for their acts of religious persecution, demanded that they enact additional I \'\'eek. On one occasion, I saw that tell stories about steps already taken to changes, they claimed that one cannot he looked worried. I told him that I correct the situation, and will even make fix everything all at once, and begged could see that he was troubled, and promises of additional changes, until the hi1n to remove his signature as it was asked him why. noted rabbi agrees to take his signature causing damage to the fledgling com "You have good eyesight," answered off the boycott. In the end, the damage munity in Eretz Yisrael. As predicted, the Rav. 'Tl! tell you what I'm worried that will result from his signature will the said rabbi acceded to their pleas and about. Today is Erev Rosh Chodesh. outweigh the benefits." cancelled his boycott. Totnorrow, I have to give out the sti That was the Brisker Rav's opinion. Had that rabbi never signed to begin pends to the members of the kollel. Not But the said rabbi, who was truly pained with - as the Brisker Rav had wanted - once have I ever been late on a payment. by the issue, published an independent there would have been no harm done, I always had Heavenly assistance, and declaration in which he called for a as the cries of protest of the rest of the have always had the entire sum in my boycott of the United Jewish Appeal rabbis would have done their job. But possession two weeks ahead of ti1ne. until the religious persecution was called after the rabbi withdrew his signature, This is the first time that Erev Rosh to a halt. the Jews of the Diaspora interpreted that Clwdesh has arrived, without my having It didn't take long for it to become as proof that everything had worked the money. I won't be able to pay the clear that the Brisker Rav had indeed out, and the ability of the gedolei Torah kollel n1embers tomorrow." I asked the Rav how much money he .. ------~ still needed. He answered that he was still missing one thousand liras. Are You Movi 7 I asked the Rav permission to give IS YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS PRINTED the money myself. He asked if I had the INCORRECTLY ON THE JO MAILING LABEL? tneans to personally donate one thou We need your help to ensure proper delivery of the Jewish Observer to your home. sand liras. I responded that although Please attach current mailing label in the space below, or print clearly your address and one thousand liras was beyond my computer processing numbers that are printed above your name on the address label. means, I could donate one hundred liras easily and I would raise the rest from other people. When he heard my response, the Rav nodded his head in agreement. I wrote out a check for one Affix old label here thousand liras and handed it to him. I was very happy with the privilege of lifting a burden off the Brisker Rav's heart, and I did not raise funds from Name------other people. I decided to cover the New Address expense myself by dividing up the sum City, over a long period of time. When I received my yearly balance State, ------~Zip from the bank, I saw that there was a Date Effective ------ one thousand lira discrepancy in my Send address The Jewish Observer favor. I had no idea where the money came from. I tallied up my income and changes to: Change of Address d expenses, and the result was still the 42 Broa way, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10004 same: an extra one thousand liras. I went Please allow 4-6 weeks for all changes to be reflected on your mailing label. We will not I b k fi h - L be responsible for back issues missed unless you notify us 6 weeks prior to your move. _J tot 1C an to 1gure out t e reason for ,_3_8_~------~-~--~ ------the-discrepancy, and I found that the:J Ir--- --·--,, ------.·····------THE JE\\/l~H OBSERVER I thousand lira check I gave to the Brisker I couldn't understand what they smear Chareidi representatives were Rav had never been cashed. were talking about. I tried as hard as on 1ny side, including Ha'olam Hazeh, I I went to the Brisker Rav and told I could, but came up with nothing. I an anti-establishment tabloid that him the story. The Rav removed the had never engaged in illegal money was extremely popular during the '50s check from his drawer and put it down changing transactions. Although I did and '60s. (Its editor, Uri Avnery, now before me. I asked him why he had never handle donations to both ZAI and the virulently anti-religious head of deposited it, and he answered me with Chinuch Atz1nai) I always made sure the Gush Shalon1 movement, was its a question of his own: "You told me that the money was deposited directly publisher and chief editor. Avnery that you have the ability to donate one into the bank accounts of the intended once said that the greatest contribu hundred liras, and that you would raise institutions. tion that he could make to the State the rest from other sources. How 1nuch Eventually, I recalled one incident would be to go into Me'a She'arim money did you raise?" in which I hosted a philanthropist with an Uzi gun and mow people I admitted the truth - that I hadn't who wanted to see the Sdei Chemed down.) On the other hand, the col· raised a penny. Children's Village, and who gave me a umnists had very harsh words for The Brisker Rav laughed and said, "I donation of two thousand dollars (just the Attorney General, and took him knew that that's what would happen, so a minor difference!). The philanthropist to task for his irresponsibility in his I never cashed the check. I cannot take a \.vrote out a check for three thousand handling of the case. They claimed donation from you that is beyond your dollars, and asked that I give the $1,000 that it was unheard of to request sus financial means." difference to a family member of his pension of parliamentary in1munity Again I had seen the fulfillment of who lived in Israel. without bothering to check if the Chazafs words: "Better a wise man than I began to search through my papers, charges had any basis. a prophet." and found the bank receipt from Bank Discount confirming that I had depos ited the three thousand dollar check LIBEL in Sdei Chemed's bank account. I relaxed. Learning Torah n 1954, about two years after I was first elected to the Knesset, a col· every day brings I umn appeared in all of the papers THE PRESS CONFERENCE one Friday with the following headline: light and joy into "The Attorney General has submitted a held a press conference in my home request to suspend an MK's parliamen on that Motza'ei Shabbos. I informed your life. tary imn1unity because of a two n1illion the reporters that the news item I I fain the thousands who dollar embezzlement charge." published in the newspapers on Friday follow our LUA CH daily. I When I read the headline, I didn't referred to me, and that the Executive imagine that it was talking about me. A Secretary had informed me that I was We will send you this Luach FREE I little while later, the Executive Secretary to appear before a Knesset co1n1nittee for Mishna and Halacha Yomis. of the Knesset, Mr. Rozti, called and on Monday to answer questions and Write to: notified me that the Attorney General, express my position on the matter. I I Mr. Chaim Cohen, had submitted a then showed them the bank receipt from Rabbi Elias Karp request to the Knesset to begin pro Bank Discount. 4701 15th Avenue I ceedings to suspend my parliamentary The reporters were shocked. I gave Brooklyn, NY 11219 immunity. Consequently, the relevant each and every one of them a copy of Or call: 718-851-0770 Knesset committee would be holding the receipt. In those days, it took a great In 111en1ory of deliberations on the subject that com an1ount of time to produce a copy. In I R.1bbi & Mrs. Ch.1rlcs Bc1tt, ing Monday. order for the reporters to be able to Hartford, Conn. I asked Mr. Rozti what he was refer print a copy of the receipt in time for I ring to, and he ans\vered that he was the Sunday morning papers, my friend referring to the headlines about the Rabbi Yisrael Shedmi advised me to embezzlement charge of two million prepare them on Erev Shabbos, which dollars. And indeed, just before the onset I did. of Shabbos, the daily Ma'ariv put out a The next morning, all of the papers special edition of the paper, in which ca1ne out in n1y defense. Even those i it was the first to reveal that the MK in papers that generally took advantage L_I question was S. Lorincz. of every possible opportunity to ------='="=N E=2 o=o =7=------===-1 "UNDER No CIRCUMSTANCES "Why not?" I asked. "I have nothing and the Attorney General will submit I SHOULD You AGREE TO to fear. The truth is as clear as could an indictment against you. The trial will SUSPEND YOUR IMMUNITY" be. I have the proof that the check was take a year to a year and a half, during deposited legally in my hands. Besides, which time all of the newspapers will hat day, I went to see the Brisker if I don't agree, they'll suspect that have daily reports on the charges being Rav and told him the entire there is something to the allegations." brought against you. You have appar T story. I told him that the only "I'll tell you why you shouldn't ently forgotten that elections are not far thing that I could think of was the agree," said the Brisker Rav. "The off. They will drag the trial on so that $3,000 check, and showed him the Attorney General knows very well it will end only after elections are over. receipt. In addition, I reported that that the story is fabricated from whole Even your own party will refuse to put all of the newspapers had come out in cloth. But he wants to see you ousted you on their list of candidates, because my defense. from the Knesset. You are a nuisance your presence on the list will hurt it if The Brisker Rav asked, "What are to them. They have to contend with a you are in the middle of a trial. Only you planning to do at the Knesset com Chareidi MK who is young, dynamic, after the elections will they exonerate mittee meeting ton1orrow?" and driven. You're the new kid in town, you and apologize. But by then they will "I will agree to have my parlia and they're not used to people like you. have rid themselves of the representative mentary imn1unity suspended, since So they decided to get rid of you." whom they wanted to do away with." I can prove my innocence in a court "And how will they indict me' I'm It goes without saying that I accepted of law with no difficulty whatsoever," completely innocent!" the Brisker Rav's words, but he wanted I told him. The Brisker Rav continued to explain. to hear how I would present my objec 'Tm telling you, don't agree under "You will innocently agree to have your tion to the suspension of immunity. I any circumstances!" the Rav replied. parliamentary immunity suspended, thought for a moment and answered, "I will tell the members of the committee Eretz Yisroel's Unde Moishy, Dedi that I object to the suspension of my Most Reliable Shomer Shabbos parliamentary im1nunity because the and English Speaking Car Service Avrohom Fried, charges are libelous, and the very inves and other leading tigation of the allegations against me in Visiting Israel? Need Transport? Jewish entertainers a court of law will damage my prestige. -CHOOSE- It makes absolutely no sense for me to are available agree to have my immunity suspended Menashe Sopher's to visit Airport &: limousine Service when it is clear that the allegations are seriously ill baseless and fictitious." Celebrating 12 years of unbeatable service! children "That argument won't help you. They OUR EFFICIENT ENGLISH-SPEAKING OFFICE STAFF, will put so much pressure on you that FULLY-LICENSED, INSURED & AIR-CONDITIONED VANS, DRIVEN BY JEWISH, POUTE DRIVERS, you won't be able to handle it. All of the ARE TAILOR-MADE FOR All OCCASIONS il"J.l :li'Y" ., m. rnn members of the committee will tell you 1.718.360.5083 i AChessed project run by that you're right, but they will still ask or 972.2.533.3425 4··• , , . Agudath brae} -0f Amerka you to agree in order to prove publicly salcs®msov.hera~rport.com - 1'l ;_,A:µA ·: __: in conjun•tlon With www .msophera1rport.com Suki & Ding Produ,tio11s 'J. - meaning, in a court of law - that you To set up an appointmcnJ, call: , J. -·, (212) 197-9000 Ext.235 --·- are innocent." In Israel: 02-533-3425 I thought of another idea. "I'll say that Agudath Israel objects to the sus HAT PLUS pension of my iin1nunity, because a court trial will damage the movement's Hats • Shirts • Ties •Accessories prestige. That way, the pressure won't be Your#l Stop put on me, because it affects not only me but the entire movement, as well:' for But the Rav didn't accept my theory. Quality Hats "If you do that, then the committee will WE ALSO DRY CLEAN LARGEST SELECTION turn to the administration of Agudath & RESHAPE HATS OF CHOSONIM TIES JN Israel in order to get their approval for (All work done on premises) BROOKLYN the suspension of immunity. Agudath 1368 Coney Island Avenue Israel won't be able to stand up under (718) 377-5050 the pressure." Ma/or credit cards accepted • We ship UPS "If that's the case," I said, "then I have 40 T H E JEWISH OBSERVER -----··--- no solution." bers of the Knesset are covering up came to an end, and a number of MKs ''I'll tell you what to do," said the for each other. Mr. Lorincz has noth- requested a recess for consultation. Brisker Rav. "Tell them that, as is your ing to fear from the suspension of his Then came the second round of delib custom, you asked a great Torah sage parliamentary immunity, because I erations. All of the non-religious MKs what to do, and that he told you that myself will say in court that I made repeated their words and pleaded that you may not agree to the suspension of a mistake, just as I said here." I agree to forego my immunity. But your parliamentary immunity, because Utter shock filled the conference I was in for another surprise: The the very idea of your standing trial rep room. After the Attorney General representatives of Mizrachi had had resents an affront to Orthodox Jewry." finished speaking, I was asked to state a change of heart. Apparently, some I (The Rav told me other things that I my position. one had managed to convince them should say to the committee as well, I did just as the Brisker Rav to change their minds during the which will be mentioned later on.) instructed me and said, "I refuse consultation. They tried to convince I told the Rav that I would do as he to accede to the Attorney General's me that the honor of the Knesset was said. He warned me repeatedly, "Promise unjustified request. I see the entire at stake, and since I was completely me that you will only say what I told issue as a severe instance of libel, innocent, I had nothing to fear. The you to say, and that even if they pres and I have no obligation to lift a pressure put on me by the Mizrachi sure you, you will tell them that never in finger in order to help the Attorney representatives was heavier than that your life did you go against the decision General save his honor after he of the others, by virtue of the fact that of gedolei Torah, and you're not about messed up. Since you, the members they had been on my side, and now to start now." of the Knesset, are convinced of they, too, were coming to me with the my innocence, and the charges are same ((reasonable" request. groundless, as the Attorney General The pressure was unbelievable. MASSIVE PRESSURE himself just said, I request that you Everyone asked me - albeit politely reject the petition to suspend my - why I refused to acquiesce. he meeting of the Knesset immunity." committee took place the next After I finished speaking, a dis Tday, Monday. After the meet cussion ensued. To my surprise, the WHEN THE SATAN HAS ing opened, the chairman turned the members of Knesset turned to me, PERMISSION ... floor over to the Attorney General so one by one, and requested that I I• that he could explain his request to agree to forego my parliamentary hen the floor was turned suspend my parliamentary immu immunity, just as the Brisker Rav over to me once more, I .I nity. had predicted. They explained their W repeated that my mind was To everyone's surprise, Chaim request by saying that since this was made up, and that I had no inten Cohen's opening remarks were as fol the first case of a request to suspend tion of foregoing my parliamentary I lows: "After I submitted my request, immunity, there was something to immunity. As to the question of why it became apparent that I had made the Attorney General's opinion that I refused to accede to the Attorney a terrible mistake. The sum that I it would bring honor to the Knesset General's request if I was in fact thought was exchanged illegally was if its members agreed to suspend innocent, I explained, "As a Chareidi really exchanged in accordance with the immunity of an MK and hand representative, I don't do anything the law, as became known to you the issue over to the courts, rather without asking a halachic authority I and me through the papers yesterday than act in the best interests of one first. I asked about this issue as well, I morning. I ask Mr. Lorincz to for of their own. and received clear instructions that I give me. At the same time, though, The first round of deliberations I may not agree to the suspension of I I request that despite everything, he continued in that vein, with the immunity. Behind this request lies the I still agree to have his parliamentary religious representatives - Yitzchak intention of besmirching the name immunity suspended so that the mat- Raphael and Rabbi M. Nurock from of the Orthodox community by put- I I ter can be investigated in court, and Mizrachi, and Rabbi Yitzchak Meir ting me on trial with no justification I I everyone will know that no illegal Levine (chairman of Agudath Israel, whatsoever. And I am bound to obey • I exchanges were made." who received a special invitation to those instructions." 1 / Chaim Cohen justified his request: attend the proceedings) - staunchly By way of explanation, I told a joke 1 [ "Since I have already submitted the supporting my stance. They spoke out that the Brisker Rav had told me. I petition, I'm afraid that if this com- vociferously against the intention to In Russia, people would go out I mittee decides not to suspend Mr. suspend my immunity, and protested every so often to shoot the stray dogs II .. Lorincz's immunity, there will be the affront to my personal honor. that roamed the streets and consti- I f those who will claim that the mem- The first round of deliberations luted a public menace. There w~sa 41 L-·------·-·-----··------~------r=------=--~------·=~=-----~"~__0 ~-·==- ··== =1 Jew who always ran and hid in his free will. Be aware that if in the end, a ridiculous idea in the first place? · home whenever another "crusade" you vote in favor of revoking iny The entire check was only written out began to rid the neighborhood of immunity, I will fight your decision for $3,000, and only $2,000 of that dogs. His wife asked him, "Why are in the Knesset general assembly. If had anything to do with me. How you hiding? They are looking for the 1najority are against me there as did he think that he could get away stray dogs, and you're neither a stray well, I will use all of the methods at with making up a story that had never nor a dog." my disposal to arouse public opinion. happened, as though I had changed Her husband replied, "When those I will use every media avenue to pub the money illegally? anti-Sen1ites see me, a Jew with a licize the Attorney General's ulterior The Brisker Rav thought for a beard and payos, the first thing that 1notivcs as vvell as the nature of the 1no1nent, and answered, "I'll tell you they'll do is shoot and kill me. After accusations against me, to which all exactly what happened. You said that that, go prove to them that I'm not of you are party. If you vote against the philanthropist who gave you the a stray dog." your own consciences and against check asked you to give $1,000 of it I continued by relaying the Brisker what you know to be true, I am posi to his relative. In that case, it was that Rav's message that the real goal here tive that you will one day be ashamed relative who falsely accused you." was to ruin the reputation of a young of it and regret it." "But why?" I asked. "He should Charcidi representative and to oust My piercing words caused great have been grateful to me that I paid him from the Knesset by dragging en1barrassn1ent to the con1mittee. him his share immediately, without out the trial until after the elections. The MKs were shocked; they simply waiting for the check to clear in the "My party will be unable to list me did not expect me to react so sharply. bank. Why did he accuse me?" as a candidate despite my innocence. To be sure, were it not for the clear "Because he could not believe If they do, the papers will carry daily instructions of the Brisker Rav, I that you would do him a favor with headlines against me and against the would never have been able to speak out benefiting from it, as well. He party itself. By the time that the court so vehemently. suspected that you had exchanged finally declares n1e innocent, it will At this stage, it was decided to take the money on the black market, but be too late. I will already be left out another recess. had given him $1,000 according to of the Knesset. The third round of deliberations the lower rate of the banks, and had "These are the Attorney General's began, and this time the committee pocketed the difference. That's why · '. true - and only - intentions," I said. voted aln1ost unani1nously to reject he inforn1ed on you to the police, or 1•.. "Therefore, the Rav told me that I the Attorney General's request to some other government body. That's I 1 may not agree to the revocation of 1ny revoke 1ny parliamentary imn1unity. also how the inforn1ation got to the 1 immunity, so that I may continue to I hurried to the Brisker Rav's home Attorney General." represent the Torah community. as soon as the meeting ended. First I decided to look into the matter. I I "All of you, including the represen- of all, I told him that everything had It wasn't easy, but in the end, I dis- '! tatives of Mizrachi, are against me. happened exactly as he had said. Had covered that the Brisker Rav was right , You are the inajority, but I refuse to I presented my objection as personal, on this score, as well. I inquired and relinquish my iinmunity of my O\-Vn I would never have been able to with- investigated until it became clear to 1 I ~- one.Minute ~;~~~~:ts~~~:~-:i~!~~~:~1~~~~~ E~t;!~i:;~~;~:~~::,~!~J?f'.~~~~~~ i ·.· ,.,19 at alime pressure. I also told him the content whether or not I had exchanged the 1• of my speech in which I gave over check in the bank. I. Based on lv!esilas Yeshorini his nlessage and 1nade it clear that 1 Even today, many years later, I an1 ' By Rabbi Moshe Goldberger would fight to the end - exactly as he moved by the depth of the Brisker 1' and Raymond Saka I told me. And the results were just as Rav's insight. It is unbelievable to see [email protected] the Rav had hoped. how much wisdom was necessary in order to discover the plot, to guess Box 82 • Staten Island, NY 10309 1 what the stand of the 21 committee WHY DID THEY ACCUSE ME? n1en1bers would be, and to foresee 1· KAIKA IN lllTZ YISROlL the capitulation of the religious rep- Call Rabbi Gavriel Beer for information on here was sti11 one question resentatives. It was the Brisker Rav's . obtaining cemetery plots in Beth Shemesh that bothered me about the advice that saved the day. and other locations in Israel. T whole story, and I presented Indeed, "Who is wise? One who can 1 011-972-2-656-9427 ~----- ·------·· ------··--- ~::: ~~' ~:_~_v_i~=- n~:;: :';~ °''"om=•=m•~ I ------~ ---- ===------···------~=- ----=~~=--i r-=---- BOOKS IN~ Warmed by Their Fire, by Rabbi Yisroel change and deviation, yet could be gentle Besser(Published by Mesorah Publications, REVIEW and warm enough to kindle the spirit of Brooklvn, NY, 2007) a trigid soul. REVIEWED BY RABBI As a student in the Ponevezh Yeshiva, I great rash yeshiva once told MORDECHAI KAMENETZKY had constantly heard about Rav Yechezkel his tabnidhn that during bein Levenstein's awe-inspiring yiras Shan1ayin1. Ahazetnanim (intersession) they But through the pages of this book, I saw should use their spare time to go him tremble in Elul, while transmitting that through the Midrash Rabba. Though I yiras Hashem to his talmidim. have rarely adhered to that suggestion Although I have heard so much about in its entirety, [ will admit that I often many personalities, I have been intrigued use the Yamim Tovim to peruse a new by the mystery of what unique power each seferor any volume that I deem could be one had that defined hin1 and his mission in helpful in both my work at the yeshiva accomplishing the an1azing achievements and in my writings. This Erev Yam 10v of his life as a mekndeish sheim Shamayim. (Pesach 5767), [was extremely fortunate Rabbi Besser answers the question regard to have chosen a new volume, Warmed ing those gedolim who are the subjects of by Their Fire, by Rabbi Yisroel Besser. his book. In the case of the Klausenberger This nB-vest collection contains over Rebbe, for example, it becomes dear that twenty intimate portraits of gedolei Yisroel he possessed a certain relentless pursuit of spanning the half-century until the pres excellence that explains the second-to-none ent day. The book's accuracy and the qualities of his life's vision. preciseness of accounts are due to the trarily) to a particular tzaddik Rabbi Besser The stories are not verbose, and there fact that each p-ortrayal was cttlled from bucked this trend by choosing stories that is little editorializing. Besser relies upon Rabbi Besser's hours of research and his almost perfectly answer the question: Ifyou the intellect of the reader to draw his own personal interviews with those closest to had a distinct story to describe this gadol's conclusions. I appreciate that. From Rav these great leaders. And it is very appar personality or life's mission, what would Bick to the 1blna Rebbe to Rav Shimshon ent. From his opening chapter through it be? His book helps us view the reality Pincus to Rav Hutner-each of the twenty- his afterword, I was not only captivated, that every gadol had a unique character one giants in this book is clearly worthy of but I can venture to say, 1ncsmerized by and personality which he uses to mold a dedicated volume hundreds of pages in this wonderful work. his greatness. length. But until those books are written, I Books filled with anecdotes and biog Having encountered ([ am hesitant to Rabbi Besser has done a remarkable job in ! raphies of gedolim are produced, baruch use the word "knovvn") so1ne of the great taking inorsels from the masters to let us I Hashern, en masse, with new volumes men he discusses, [ relived my brief meet- have a small glimpse of their greatness ! entering the market regularly. What makes ings with them in ways that personified The end of the book is p-acked with brief this work unique is Rabbi Besser's ability to these giants through anecdotes that I was anecdotes, many of them so powerful that, i succinctly portray the uniqueness of a wide able to match to the personality and sense finger wedged in between pages to hold my array of Torah leaders through episodes of mission that [ felt in the few moments place, [ interrupted my reading to find the I and anecdotes that define their personali that I merited to bask in their light. nearest family member and relatethe"most i ties and personified their lives. Through the pages of the book, I once amazing story that [just read." Despite the fuct that Rabbi Besser chose again saw Rabbi SWomo Freifeld. The anec- One of the greatest gifts that Rabbi great personalities who are so well-known, dotes helped me reali1.e my vision of the Besser has endowed us through this work ! there are very fe\v volun1es, if any, that great mechaneich and mekareiv doing the is the fact that these stories are so easily portray the particular defining attributes of things that I imagined that he wmtld do, applicable to daily life and to so many of I their individual greatness. It seems that all despite my never having seen him do them. the lessons contained within the weekly I too often, gedolim stories read like generic Through the pages of Rabbi Besser's book, I parshiyos of the Torah - which, of course I embellishments that portray righteousness, saw him rollinguphissleevestohelpcleana means something very special to me and kindness, patience, and genius-traits that kitchen or making a joke to mend a broken anyone who will eventually read anyof tl1is I are easily plugged into the life of so many heart. ft brought back warm memories of book's chapters. I of our sages. The stories become generic how Reb Shlomo sat my son on his lap and I strongly recommend this volume I anecdotes, each matched (almost arbi- held a tomato while explaining, to him and for anyone who would like to raise the to me, how ketchup is made. level of his knowledge of our gedolim RABBI KAMENETZKY, A~ OCCASJO:'\JAL CONTRIBU- I TOR TO Tnis Pt:fu.JC."-TloN, is THE Rosu YEst-JlvA oF In the book, f saw the fire of Rabbi and wishes to find exan1ples of piety L::~~:·~:~:~·~ .. ~~:~·:~~~~.~::~·~1~::::"""''™' ·; ~ I A.$118 I I The Jewish Observer I brings Jewish news and views from a Torah perspective to tens of thousands of readers each I B.$72 month. I Just write your "L'Shana C.$54 Tova" greeting in the box I of your choosing (price indicated in lower I left-hand corner), detach form across dotted line, I and mail the form with I D. $36 your check, or fax with credit card info, today. 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SARAH SHAPIRO I I l1llUILI-. -lb I llJ·1> he lacy and delicate diaphanous don't recall who it was, amidst all the veil of my wedding dress got noise and hubbub, who made a few T lost, somehow, a few hours calls and said, "Don't worry, we'll get before the ceremony (as did one white you one," b~} o remember hands shoe, but the shoe showed up). I sticking '1 §\i' and atop my head ancK ing with Mas. SHAPIRO OF JERUSALEM IS A FREQUENT CON· safety pin swatch TRIBUTOR TO THESE PAGES. HER l\fOST RECENT BOOKS of something( · er, and ARE THE 1\IOTl-IER IN OUR ltVES(TARGUMFELDHEIM) that my view' . II was ANO \fi!SH f \fl£Rl\ flERE (SHAAR PRESSARTSCROLL). 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Graduate students eligible for Federal Funds. www.csub.edu/regional/moalot.htmf JUNE: 2007 The expression "walking down the aisle" is an un-Jewish Americanis1n that remains in my brain after thirty years in Israel, but my wedding was anything but American. I'd made aliya just a year before, and had arrived - in my parents' view - back in the Old World of religious Jewish observance just four short years before that. And here I was, already getting married! To a man Parenting.· with a yarmulka! Whom I'd only met six months before! And now I was having such an Orthodox wedding! With bearded men in black hats, and women who wouldn't shake hands with Daddy! How could this have happened? What was happening to their child? Holr:J o I couldn't see a thing, only two blurs of light - one from the candle in my mother's hand, and one from the candle held by my soon-to-be mother-in-law. The world was white Hus fighf - as in "white dishcloth." «Sarah," my mother muttered under her breath, "what's that rag doing on your face?" Poor Mommy! She was so worried about me! I knew she was thinking, See that! What is this, Saudi Arabia? And she had no idea how close I came to wearing two different colored shoes! But I just couldn't worry about it, because suddenly, I was tasting a freedom I'd never experienced. At the most important moment in 1ny life, I didn't have to worry about the expression on my face, or if I looked pretty at my wedding. Behind that cloth, I was in a world of my own, beyond the reach of anybody else's opinion. No one could see me! I found myself soaring like a bird from its cage, soaring deeply into my most private thoughts, and as high as I wished, into all my hopes and prayers. In the vast and undif ferentiated bliss in which I was walking, it was the happiest moment of my life. 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J, and Miriam Taub ArtScroll Edition of Ramban A compr&hensfve lialachlc guide: This volume is dedicated by -+ Morning Routines David H. and Carol Feinberg -+ Preparations for Prayers + Tallis .,_ 'Tefillin + Tho Borachos +Amen + Pesukei Dezimrah Stories and Insight$ to transform the way you pray In Touched By A Prayer, world-acclaimed storyteller Rabbi Yechiel Spero provides an escorted tour through the passageways of tefillah, Jewish prayer. This book is bursting with stories and insights that will transform the way you pray. Rabbi Yechiel Spero is back with a Through its pages, we will come to ~ppreciate - new collection of great stories written how tefillah can transport and completely __''., especially for children. Each story is transform us. And we will learn that tefillah, is dynamic - as we utter its words, they offer -us ..'. ..•'..::.-:.:.·.·;.·.·:.:.• ...:: ..·:: .... ·...... ·····. •·· .·..... · ...... ·..,·.· .. ,,·.·.· .··. valuableh. ear. tw.arming, lessons .exciting.. about living and a teachesTorah life. us ... guidance, wisdom1 comfort, apd assurance. "'''.'.):';,:;;i,-:':lf:'-::s;-::;;:-:;;,:::·_w+;L;:-i,::.;~-,,;'';;::':_.:-?-:>-;--,- :->-" ,,,_ ___ -> _ , -:--_ _ __ _-Yes,- and _Shaya Schonfe_ld, t_he talented This first volume of Rabbi Spero's treatment of the prayerS e_xamines the start of the mor:ning :"'.•.•.·.-.·.·.·.·.·.•.•.• ;.'.·.•.· .•...•... ·.- , , '>y.t····tJ····.·:o•.. -:•.. ·.ll.·.·· ... '.· ..• •..'"'.·.·.·.•.·.• .. t··.·"··. ..•• ·.,:-..P .. J·c·t·U·.·· .. '.es··... ·.·.-i" .. · ·.f!·.·.--bb·.i. S.· p. flr·s· t. Touched by a St.ory for }111u$trated,;-thls~ book, :as .well, In stunning,"'°.. '.•. ·full color, prayer, -from the _morning blessings, 'Efirchos , o:_'.{i_;_-_:;>:_:,__ \:,;-/ _;_~:~t_;_90.~---4l-~-~;-g,e_t-_Jt_. _l~ke alo~g yo~f'-parehts (,lnd -grown-up brothers and Hashachar, _I;lnd Birchos HaTorah, Korbano_s, ' --;5-IS:~~Jq_q;~-'.~~-~:~l}~Y,}~~~:~~~-Rabbf-S:p_e-ro~s Touched by ,a Story books-for adults. Pesukei DeZimrah, ilnd Yishtabach. -~Y~/t~-~tnJ~J.:WtltllJ )1_ou grow up! Dear Rabbi, "This will smooth tile sl!idducl!im process for many singles" Dear Doctor, Volume 2 The r~ rab6i-Nchiatrut3ilm draijht t/JUWWS" to tUuglt quesl:iulu Thousands of people rushed to get copies of Rabbi Abraham TWerksi's thought-provoking answers to a host of common questions in the first volume of Dear Rabbi, Dear Doctor. l}IE ULTiMATE GUIDE TO rJNDJNG A SPOUSE Popular demand has 'led Rabbi TwersJd to LEAH JACOBS• SHAINDY ~ARKS compllethisnewvolume,_c:ontaini11gmorequestions iiilch_-Secfets Provid~ a _dttti:dled, -p-ractic:al set _of "forah-bas_ed and answers from ~h~--newsp~~_er,,t;;olumn,as weu .••tori•~?·~:a\h;~!;:; ~:~~~~~n7:~:C:~!:! ~~~~:·b~~.=. 1~~~ ~!i~~;~ ...•:t. t!;~~~:;~~q~/~[~Jr~!~~~~ ~1~~j;0.;~pr•:1~•Jn•lr~~~~!(~h,~nd ·~1!,1~ii:,i;~;,~~!fli!ft-