Tb m CAlIFORNIA I.8eh Copyright 1972 by the Associated Students of the California Institute of Technology, Inc.

Volume LXXIII Pasadena, California, Thursday, June 1, 1972 Number 31 That Was The Year That Was Or Was It?

by millikan j troll war for the independence of Bangia who set Lake and Del Mar ablaze right Another year lurches to a close, Desh. And Virgil Fox stormed Beckman on cue. Although the Tech growled, and just to prove that it wasn't all that for two nights of show-stopping Bach "Cal Poly, You're Next," the football bad, we herewith present our third [Beckman has promised three nights of team's winning streak terminated at two. ann~al summary of the year's events. Fox for the coming fall]. Huttenback This Is Serious Hold onto your collective hat and turn threw the n!th beer and pizza blast, and A long-range study caIling for all the clock back to first term and here we the Art Program got into full swing. sorts of expensive, but Vital, programs to go. Then it happened. At an away deal with earthquake hazards ip the city After an experimental on-campus game that virtually nobody saw, the came out, with Caltech's president, Dr. orientation which produced a rare unity Beavers zotted LaVerne 27 to O. The Harold Brown, heading the committee. amongst the student population (every­ plans for the appropriate celebration .. , The next week, two Caltech grad one disliked it] , Freshman Camp found suffered from haste, and the sought-for students crashed in the Flying Club a new home-away-from-home on Cata­ bonfire in the intersection of Lake and plane. Dan Harris and Alan Wray lina Island, twenty-nine miles across the Del Mar received a cool reaction from received serious injuries, and the plane sea. The days of fun and frolic at Camp Pasadena's finest. After the intercession was demolished. Wray is back at school, Fox resulted in tired, sunburned, but of campus security chief John Elloitt, but Harris will be out for as much as presumably properly oriented frosh. several thousand surplus California Techs another year. Everyone liked it so well that bugetary and some sundry wood underwent rapid Interhouse came and went without pressures to the contrary, Frosh Camp oxydation in the intersection of Cali­ excessive fanfare, but with just about wiII return to Catalina this coming fornia and Arden to the screams and the only rain this winter. ... Fleming September. chants of numerous Techers, aided and R.A. "Uncle Bill" Beranek had an The One, The Only abetted by a portion of the marching experiment explode in his lab over the Upperclassmen, alumni, faculty, band playing "On, Wisconson" and the Thanksgiving weekend. Fortunately, the and all of the former and present Mickey Mouse Club theme [the extent lab was deserted at the time. " The Masters of Student Houses marked the of their repertoire] . Off-Campus Students Association got off retirement of Ned Hale, the grand lady Wonder Battery to an apathetic beginning. of Caltech, with a heavy dose of The unsuccessful pyromania at Late Mudsling nostolgia and a tinge of sadn.ess. "Ma Lake and Del Mar resulted in the For technical reasons, largely the Hale" was known and loved by Techers detainment of three Techers who make tardiness of filling vacancies in junior for nearly twenty-five years. Her great the tactical error of being in too close class offices, the Mudeo did not occur affection for students, everpresent help­ proximity to Pasadena's finest while until the last week of the term. A cold, fulness, and unfailing deep-down good eqUipped with combustables and other gooey time was had by all in the yearly cheer eased the way for many a Techer: pyrogenic acoutraments. They found mud-sling [actually this one was just a her loss has already been keenly felt. All themselves housed in the PPD's vener-, rehearsal for the Humphrey-McGovern the best, Ned! able paddy-wagon and thought them­ debate] which saw the frosh emerge First term had the usual straws in selves hoist by their own petard when victorious (so what else is new, the frosh the wind: the fate of Throop was finally the battery of the vehicle conveniently win the Mudeo? ~-~ Well, to tell the decided, and moving dates set (and then died. In return for pushing the beast to truth, the ASCIT Musical rose like a pushed back, and then pushed back a start, they won their freedom. phoenix under the prodding of producer again]. Gates was ruled uninhabitable, Well, if one victory and bonfire did Greg Simay). bringing confusion into the land of frosh not suffice to warm the cockles of And so, with more a whimper than chern lab. Worry not: an undergrad Techers' hearts, the football team did a bang, first term expired into the chern lab is presently replacing a part of the extreme unexpected by winning dlJ.'lt-bins of history. the parking lot behind Noyes and should again the next weak, this time sending Second term opened on a disquiet­ be ready in the fall. And as the football U.C. Riverside to a 16-13 dumping on ing note as the Admissions Office found season progressed, tension began to Homecoming Day in full view of that applications dropped sharply (wind­ mount. numerous alumni. The victory bonfire ing up 25% off from last year, which Diversions that night had better stage management was down from the year before). The Y presented a benefit concert from the famed and feared Page House To add insult to injury, the for the refugees dislocated in the bloody White Horse and Railroad Company, Continued on Page Three FOREIGN STUDENTS No, finals haven't gotten to you yet! SHIPPING SPECIALISTS OF BIKINI BAGGAGE (Since you're looking for a pizza.) HOUSEHOLD ARTICLES We have moved! COMMERCIAL CARGO HOUSE AIR. OCEAN. TRUCK Large Selectinn Pick Up & Delivery Packing & Crating Insurance Documentation Also Custom-Made Orders Estimates given without obligation ANYWHERE·ANYTIME 3216 N. San Gabriel Blvd. ROMA GARDENS A REGISTERED AGENCY (We've moved across the street.) a tradition Phone 288-9841 . of personal SINCE I'" service in BEER &WINE freight forwarding ITALIAN CUISINE Martin Lewin Transcargo, Inc. lRlIFORNIATech 2240 N. Figueroa St. Thursday, June 1.1972 Los Angeles, CA 90065 Volume LXXIII Number 31 . (213) 225-2341 PIZZA SPAGHETTI RAVOILI Published weekly except during ...__- --. vacation and examination periods by f' ,the Associated Students of the PIZZA TO GO We cordially invite California Institute of Technology, Incorporated. The opinions expressed DISCOUNTS ON LARGE ORDERS California Tech-in all articles herein are strictly those t d t d ~ I of the author and do not necessarily 8 U en 8 an ,acu ty reflect those of either the editors or members to bank with us. the newspaper staff. 1096 E. Colorado 449-1948 ©19 7 2 by the Associated Complete banking services Students of the California Institute of including: Technology, Incorporated. All rights Automobile Financing reserved. OPEN 5 TO 12 SUNDAY THRU THURSDAY Bank·By·Mail Certificate of Deposit Editors-in-Chief .....Peter W. Beckman 5 TO 1 FRIDAY AND SATURDAY Checking Accounts (BoClkkeepirig by electronic automation) Gavin D. Claypool Collateral Loans Jeffrey J. Mallory Drive-In Banking Associate Editor ...... Philip M. Neches Escrows Entertainment Editor Nick Smith Foroign Banking Features Editor Ed Schroeder letters of Credit Photography Editor Bob Houk ASCIT FRIDAY NITE FLICK Home Modernization L"ans life Insurance loans Staff Claude Money Orders Night Depository Anderson, Tinkerbelle Darb, Jim Personal loans Hugg, Bob Kieckhefer, Philip Massey, THE WRECKING CREW Ted Michon, Etaoin Schroedlu, Real Estate loans Safe Deposit Box~s millikan troll. Starring DEAN MARTIN Savings Accounts Travelers Checks Photographers Bill Trust Services O'Meara, A. J. Owens, Dave Peisner. plus a Laurel &Hardy short U.S. Bonds Auto Banking Center G.t Colorado Business Manager Marvin Mandelbaum and Catalina Office, .1010 East Circulation Manager ...... Rob Olshan 7:30 and 9:30 p.m., Friday, June 2 Colorado and Citizens Commercial Trust& SavingsBankofPasaderm, . The California Tech Publication hours: 9 to 4:30 daily; [) to 6 F-ridays Offices: 115 Winnett Center 105-51, California Institute of Technology, in BAXTER LECTURE HALL PASADENA Head Office: Colorado and Marengo 1201 East California Boulevard, Colorado and Catalina Office: 1010 E. Colorado Pasadena, California 91109. LA CANADA Telephone: (213) 795·6841, Admission: 50C-ASCIT members and La Canada Office: Foothill and Beulah extension 2154. Printed by News-Type Service, 125 South Mary­ their guests; $1.00-any"one else Citizens land Avenue, Glendale, California. Represented for national advertising NEXT TERM COlllnlercial Trust 'purposes by National Educational & Savings Bank Advertising Service, Inc. Second class CATCH-22 postage paid at Pasadena, California. ofPasadena Subscriptions $1.50 per term M' ••'. "0'....."'0". '"'U"'" '0"00"'''' $4.00 per year MOVIES ARE YOUR BEST ENTERTAINMENT \" M,,"'U" '''-O''''' L us""" TIt.. J life SJbscription u.$100 forestall increasing vandalism. Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock to Star THE CALIFORNIA TECH 1W1YTW-OWI Trek fans) spoke on behalf of preSiden­ Thursday, June 1, 1972 Continued from Page One tial hopeful George McGovern. Page Three Registrar cracked down on drops. Bombs Away No News Is ... The policital season really started Grad students were faced with the to heat up when President Nixon satisfactory year in this column's prospect of paying tuition the next year ordered the mining of Haiphong and existence~ For a while, especially second [ouch!] , and reacted predictably increased bombing attacks against North term, this reporter wondered if anything [grow!!] .... The demolition of Culbert­ Vietnam. A morning of talks on the worthwhile was going to happen. While son got under weigh.... EQL came out situation, opened by Dr. Brown, and an some worthwhile things did happen, and with a billion-dollar plan for curbing afternoon protest march expressed Cal­ a few reforms came to pass [such as smog in L.A.... The Fearless Schroedlu tech student and faculty reaction." moving Drop Day to the last week of returned from 18 months in the Army But to cap the year off on a more classes] , really very little student to generate semi-transfinite amounts of cheerful note, the ASCIT musical, interest seemed available for any project copy for the Tech. Gilbert & Sullivan's perennial some­ aimed at making Cal tech a better place. ASCIT elections season coincided thing-or-other H.M.S. Pinafore played to If the students loose interest in trying to nastily with midterms, seeing the reigns S.R.O. houses both nights, making scads upgrade Caltech [and one does not pass from Steve Watkins to Joe Morin, of money and encouraging all involved remain number one for long if one does and the stewardship of the Tech pass to try for another ASCIT musical next not constantly strive to do better], a from Neches, Levin, and Beckman to year. major'force for the betterment of the Mallory, Claypool, and Beckman. And for a final "try to top this," institution will die. Draft resistor David Harris visited. . .. Dave Smith promised 20 belly dancers Next year, I hope I can report Heaping injury upon injustice, the on the Olive Walk, and delivered. That better news in that respect. But that Registrar came out with some strong event drew more people than any other depends on you: make the commitment pronouncements on drops after Drop Olive Walk event this year [or any year now for a better year starting in Day, Pass-Fail vs. A-Pass-Fail courses, that your friendly history troll can September. incompletes, and other things which go remember] . To all, a good, healthy, relaxing, "youch!" in the night a week past drop Summer Summary enjoyable, and propserous summer. To day. The issue of grades, drops, and So, the third edition of "That Was many of my friends who are graduating requirements was thus resurrected, after the Year That Was" draws to a close. To into the cold, cruel world, the very best apparently having been consigned to an editorialize a bit, this year has been on of luck. I'm afraid you'll need it. To the apathetic grave the first half of the year. the whole, the most apathetic and least rest of you, see you next year. Again The Wrestling Team took its third consecutive SCIAC championship, end­ ing the season with a 15-1 record in dual meets. ... Bill Lear reported on progress with his steam car. Geophysics had its ground broken in the hole in the ground which once was Culbertson. ... Voter registration re­ ceived a great deal of support from all over campus. The possibility of co-op housing was raised, and eventually promoted into a reality [see Dirty Dave if you're interested in it for next year] .... Dr. James Morgan was appointed Dean of With finals [hiss] and summer The Godfather promises to be the Students.... Various and sundry offices [applause!] approaching, we take this most important mm this year, or for began to be moved out of Throop. opportunity to take a few parting shots that matter, in the last several years. Third Term Already? at the Los Angeles entertainment scene. Brando is superb: the only Oscar And so, without even seeming to This week, we present some suggestions competition in sight for him comes from try, second term turned to third, winter for how to fill thClse lagging hours his cast-mates. The film has a slow, to spring, and former Tech editor Alan between finals [ha!] , along with a steady, almost majestit texture, subtly Stein from free man to one indicted for couple of suggestions for diversion mixing shocking doses of violence with a draft evasion. Just before leaving for San during the impending long, hot summer. strange sort of fIlial affection. The Francisco to face the music, Stein First, we present a [very] brief Godfather is not the sort of film one discovered large-scale acoustic waves on survey of the cinematic scene. This year enjoys, but certainly one feels moved by the sun. The "Stein wave" publicity will seems to have produced a bumper crop it. doubtlessly help his cause. of serious, in fact rather depressing, but Slaughterhouse Five will delight Winnett Center acquired a coordin­ nonetheless excellent mms. The mood Kurt Vonnegut fans and confuse just ator of Student Activities in the person of seriousness has left room for very few about everyone else. The disconected of Dr. Richard Hertz. The same week, comedies, which I find unfortunate. time scheme by which Billy Pilgrim lives the Winnett Committee de~ided to lock Anyhow, here are four of the biggest prOVides rare opportunity for fantasy, the student center on weekends to recent releases: Continued on Page Five CHANDLER'S EXTREMELY LARGE STOCK. 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All Travel Arrangements with Ca/tech students - $1.50 off NO SERVICE CHARGE Added regular admission with this ad 2226 E. Colorado Blvd. Pasadena Use your campus telephone - Ext. 1474 FOR ANEROTIC MESSAGE CAU 796-BflB and choreography are both quite good, Tile Tem and several of the characters, especially THE CALIFORNIA TECH the M.C., are excellent. Thursday, June 1, 1972 Gypsy is at the Camino Theater at Page Five AlxJut Town LACC. Phone 666-8962 for ticket information. In the other direction, the Clare­ Continued from Page Three All of the teenyboppers who mont Colleges will present their summer satire, and also for exorcism of missed it the first time around will be music workshop, with concerts practical­ autobiographical neuroses on Vonnegut's delighted to know that Hair is at the ly every Tuesday, Thursday, and Satur­ part. Vianne Perry makes an impressive Aquarius again for a limited [and day night. Information can be obtained debut in this mm as Montana Wildhack, probably infinitely profitable] run. by consulting one of the posters Billy's Tralfamadorian consort and ge­ For summer theater, follow the announcing this event, which I presume neral sex symbol. The Bach/Gould score Calendar section of the Times for are scattered over campus, or by writing complements the film quite well. information about productions at to the Office of Public Events, The Turning to comedies; two merit UCLA, LACC, the Mark Taper Forum, Claremont Colleges, Claremont, Cali­ mention. What's Up Doc? pairs Ryan and the Ahmanson (which features fornia, 91711. O'Neil and Barbra Striesand in a spritely mostly light opera [musicals to the apres A final note to Bach/Fox enthu­ farce involving four identical suitcases, garte] ). siasts: tickets for Virgil Fox's October one containing rare rocks, one contain­ Beckman concerts go on sale soon! Give ing a fortune in gems, om containing Classical music buffs have it good the Caltech Ticket Office [ext. 1653] purloined government documents, and in the summer. The Hollywood Bowl your 'order soon to insure getting the the last containing Barbra Streisand's plans its usual full summer season of best seats. underwear. The film culminates in a concerts with the L.A. Philharmonic and While this is hardly a comprehen­ chase scene through the streets of San a host of guest soloists. If they run true sive coverage of what's doing now and Francisco which puts Mad's spoof of to form, students will be able to buy during the summer, I hope this hits a Bullitt to shame. the best remaining tickets to the few of the high points. For up-to-date Play It Again, Sam is Woody Tuesday and Thursday night concerts and much more detailed sources of Allen's latest. Although I have not seen for $1. If you care to brave the parking entertainment information, beg. borrow, it, it has gotten good notices. lots and the airplanes, this is probably buy, ,or steal the Calendar Section of the For the rest of the film-going the best source of summer airs. [P.S. ­ Sunday L.A. Times, or consult the Free summer, much of the fare from the Come early and bring a picnic dinner] . Press. If you are desperate for entertain­ recent Academy Awards season will be [P.P.S. - If they have more mini-mara­ ment, the ads in the Freep should help. around this summer at various theaters. thons this summer, by all means go: the So have a good summer, and may Most notable amongst this harvest are A ones last summer were more fun than your nights be filled with wine, women, Gockwork Orange, Klute, The French any of the regular concerts]. and song. See you in the fall. Connection, and The Garden of the Finzi-Continis the last a new release. All Gutman Wants Your Bod are somewhat depressing in one way or News Briefs another. That's right! The intrepid Caltech football team is looking forward to Turning to the stage, two student Hockey Club another year of action, victories, and productions deserve special mention, Meeting mainly because both close Sunday. There will be a meeting of the bonfires. Interested undergrads are Cabaret is playing at Macgowan Hockey Club, Thursday night at 8 p.m. invited to see Coach Tom Gutman. Hall, UCLA. Not to be confused with in Clubroom I to discuss finances and the Liza Minelli film of the same play, this summer's schedule. Interhouse Football this production brings out all of the sardonic commentary on the perils and W L Pct. follies of pre-Hitler Berlin. The singing Musicale Keys Page .. 6 o 1.000 (Are There Eighty-Eight?) Fleming .. 5 1 833 r SE.-lTS NOW! Bl'RRY! The Musicale requests any member Ricketts . 4 2 .667 The World's Greatest leaving for the summer to return his key Ruddock .. 3 3 .500 Musical Hit to Steven Moritsugu (138 Page). He can Blacker . 2 4 .333 get a new key next year at no charge. If Dabney . 1 ? .167 you want a key for this summer, the Lloyd .. b 6 .000 sign-up list is in 138 Page. HAIR Interhouse Standings. OPENS Film Benefit for (Final) (JWthru JULY ~ Child Care Center INJ Experimental films from USC will Page 361.5 AQUARIUS THEATRE be shown in the Humanities Lecture Fleming 310.5 6230 S•••,t Blvd. (n,.r Vi•• St.) Ruddock 296.0 Tlcbt, at Box Olflc, Hall in Baxter at 8 and 10 p.m. Saturday and Sunday night (June 3 and Ricketts 248.0 Ticket••1.0 ....il.bl. at Mutua' AlIen­ cle., W.mch. Mu,lc City .tore•. Liber­ 4). Admission is $1.50 with proceeds Lloyd 154.5 AlI~ncy ty Ticket .nd Tlckelron. going to the child care center for Dabney 109.5 Phone 481·3712 Caltech families. Blacker 108.0 Typing and editing services PAT'S LIQUORS SUMMER GUITAR Sex is available for students' theses, AND DELICATESSEN SEMINAR engineers' reports and technical 1072 E. Colorado 796-6761 documents, authors' manu­ NOW FORMING better scripts, etc. Open to midnight daily, AT CAlTECH Please contact: Alexia Van Cott 1 a.m. Fri. & Sat. folk - beginners' classical - etc. 799-5440 after 5:30, weekends Inquire Art Podell than cake 449-3160 ext. 250 days Keg Beer Party Supplies (213) 876-7305

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Ask for Contact Jeff Mallory in Page, SCORE" Alex. 449-9755. Letters THE CALIFORNIA TECH Thursday, June 1, 1972 Page Seven Pinafore Slighted? Senior's Parting Shots government, and universities is the Gentlemen: Editor: individual who can look at social After narrowly missing it entirely, I As a nearly departed senior I feel a problems in their contexts, seeing not finally found small mention of the need to take this parting shot at some just solutions but also the ramifications smash hit "H.M.S. Pinafore" buried Caltech institutions in the hope of of the solutions, political means of among the second assault on the fall alerting someone to some of the achieving the solutions, and tradeoffs freshman entry - but it seems to me unfortunate trends I see developing. and interactions between these factors. the performance deserves more and Academic reform is a matter of This objection perhaps applies more better treatment than that. I thought theoretical interest to us all, but in strongly to the graduate Social &ience the production was delightful and it terms of practical results, my four years program, but I don't want to get into seemed to be a huge success, artistically here have seen no true change. I have that just now. I'm hoping that if I, and and probably financially (to judge from therefore, as have most of us, learned to all other Caltech graduates, ignore the the sold-out, SRO audiences each ignore the sorts of tinkering with the thing maybe it will just go away. evening). And A Good Time Was fringes of the curriculum that pass for Perhaps one lonely voice in the last Certainly Had By All . .. Did none of reform. The recent debate in the pages issue of the Tech will not have any you have the good fortune to see it, or of the Tech over Humanities require­ appreciable effect on the system. But don't you have a culture reviewer on ments is an example of such diversions. I'm afraid that if the Social &ience your staff these days? Shame and fie! The Independent Studies program was makes its way into next year completely Virginia Kotkin almost something new, but the way it unchallenged it will already be an Baxter was administered this year carefully institution. Not all academic reform is subverted its worthy goals.. good, or even neutral. One must look [Ed. Note - Several of our staff The recent announcement of a new every now and then to see where we are did indeed see Pinafore and agree with undergraduate option in Social &iences being led. your opinions of the performance. thus met, appropriately enough, with -Gary Spivak However, four-page issues severely re­ nearly universal disinterest. As an Blacker strict our copy, and since we were under Economics major, however, I was led to no ethical obligation to run a review investigate this developement, especially (i.e., we did not receive review tickets) since it is rumored to be replacing the Tech SCUBA Freaks we placed more weight on the articles Economics option in a few years. On we did run. In our opinion, the increase the surface this replacement seems in the size of the freshman class had appropriate enough, since the new Brave The Depths much higher priority, as it was rather program is the Economics program with unexpected and came despite student just a few changes. However those by Bob Kieckhefer . efforts to reduce the size. If you still changes - replacing macroeconomics Third term means interhouse football. feel that the Tech has ignored the with computer modeling and analytical Third term means that all those E's are efforts of the Pinafore crew, we refer political science courses - indicate a about to become F's. But third term you to the issue of May 18.] decided trend toward the mathematical, still means flicking it in. And for some analytic, "technique" approach to social members of the Caltech branch of the problems. lunatic fringe, third term means re­ Summer Stereo Rip-offs The objection to this centers on turning to the beaches - not to sit in two main issues. First is that such the sun, but to head for peace and quiet Editors: specialization is inappropriate for under­ 30 feet under the surf. Last summer and for the past n grads. The fact that this objection Jim Mayer (professor of Electrical summers before that, the Institute applies to most· of the options at Engineering) is nominally in charge of a (specifically Mr. Gang) has advised Caltech does not make it less valid. If group of SCUBA divers who weekly don students to store their Hi Fi's in the one is to think of himself as a social wet suits and explore Jacques Cousteau's trunk room. Last summer and for the scientist he needs a background in world. While the Laguna Beach area is past n summers before that, those Hi sociology, anthropology, and psychology not as fIlled with brightly-colored fauna Fi's were stolen. not available at Caltech. To structure a as the Mediterranean or the Florida The trunk room has wooden doors social science program in the way coast, most of the divers in· this group with hinges on the outside. This of intended simply because we have the have seen octopuses, rays, moray eels, course ignores the facts that there are resources to do so is illogical and a and lobster in their natural habitat. In vents on the door and that there is an misleading use of the name social addition, beer cans and Coke bottles are entrance to the steam tunnel from the science. often seen (serving as homes for small room. Secondly there can be serious fish), as well as detritis from less careful Do not store your stereos in the question of whether such an emphasis is divers - weight belts and diVing knives. trunk room!! It will get ripped off even appropriate for the nation at this One of the obligations of experienced (that's will not might). Find some other time. Perhaps the day of the social divers, of course, is luring more people place like Bekins that is more secure. scientist sitting at his computer solving into taking the plunge. On two of their ~Dave Peisner the world's problems is passing. Maybe Page House what is really needed by industry, Continued on Page Ten EDITOR WANTED!! No experience necessary-will train Co-Op Houses Apply 115 Winnett or ext. 2154 oneness We have two houses, BE . a possibility of two more. Anyone interested should

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131 N. Lake Avenue, Pasadena 795-5748 690 EAST GREEN STREET PASADENA, CALIFORNIA 91101 TELEPHONES (213) 795-0291 . 681-7885 CAMPUS EXT. 1571 Excellent Quality, Lowest Cost The Critical Ear THE CALIFORNIA TECH Thursday, June 1, 1972 To Buy or Not To Buy Page Nine sing the song, which is the only high We have here a pair of albums, in "Flower in the Sun." (If you haven't point of the album. both of excellent quality, and both heard it, listen to your radio. I don't The non-original songs are tired effectively posthumous. The first of the feel like quoting lyrics.) If you ever things that are done by every mediocre two is entitled "A Tribute to Woody listened to a Janis Joplin song and liked rock or blues band around, such as Guthrie: Part 1." It is a collection of it, then this album is for you. YES. "Tobacco Road," "Back in the U.S.A.," recordings made at two concerts dedi­ (Columbia C2X 31160) and "Turn On Your Loveligh1." Edgar cated to perhaps the most prolific Another new Columbia album is sort Winters vocals on the first of these are songwriter in American history. Woody of worth a listen, "Powerglide" by the an improvement over the other songs, Guthrie, who·died several years ago, was New Riders of the Purple Sage. For but surely not good enough to deserve an established champion of the little those of you who have been either on your money. (Epic KEG 31249) people, the underdogs, and just about the moon or in Lompoc for the past Al Kooper is one of the most anybody trying to survive. His songs year, NRPS is sort of a spinoff from the talented men in the business today, yet have been so deeply etched in the Grateful Dead. Jerry Garcia and Bill surprisingly many ardent rock fans do folklore of America that many of the Kreutzmann sit in on a group that plays not even know who he is. Since his "old" folk and country songs that music somewhat similar to the Dead discovery at a Bob Dylan recording people sing were written by Woody. He style with a little more country-western session almost a decade ago, he has been wrote of refugees from the Dust Bowl, thrown in. The group is weak in the instrumental in the success of the Blues of the treatment received by migrant writing· department, unfortunately. Their Project and was the initiator and leader workers, and a thousand other subjects. best material seems to be songs written of Blood, Sweat and Tears for a year. His songs were about the America he by Jerry Garcia or drawn from the past. He has since recorded with Mike was experiencing. None of the original material on the Bloomfield, Stephen Stills, and Shuggie This album includes many of the new album is as memorable as most of Otis and has done five albums on his major names in modern folk music, such their first album, released last year. own. He has played backups for many as Judy Collins, Tom Paxton, Bob Their music does have a few bright artists (not surprisingly, since he plays at Dylan, Odetta, Pete Seeger, Richie spots, such as the unexpected "Hello, least ten instruments), and has done Havens and Woody's own boy, Arlo. Mary Lou," greatly changed since made songs for movie soundtracks. The backup musicians include Ry a hit by Ricky Nelson. Less of a change His new album, "A Possible Pro­ Cooder, Chris Etheridge and The Band. is required in the case of "Willie and the jection of the Future/Childhood's End," The sonbs range from happy to sad, Hand Jive" by Johnny Otis. "I Don't is not quite as good as his usual thing, from just music to meaningful. "Okla­ Need No Doctor" is another example of but is still better than almost anything homa Hills" is included, as well as "Dear what NRPS can do when they set their around. The two title songs and "Please Mrs. Roosevelt" and "Vigilante Man." minds to it. I only wish that a little Tell Me Why" have exceptional lyrics This is an album well worth owning, and better material had been chosen to and like the other songs are very sound rates a very definite YES. (Columbia KC round out the album. This album rates a musically. He has even turned Curtis 31171) MAYBE, but a strong one for those who Mayfield's "It's Monkey Time" in to a The other posthumous album is like the style. (Columbia KC 31284) reasonable song. entitled "Joplin in Concert," a two -Nick Smith Buy this album! (Columbia KC record set of Janis Joplin at her best. ·31159) Sides one and two include eight songs A definite NO goes to Edgar Winter's Tom Rush's "Merrimack County" is a done with Big Brother and the Holding White Trash, "Road Work." Although surprise to me. I have only heard a Company, such as "Down On Me," they are an excellent studio group, couple of his songs before, but they are "Piece of My Heart," "Flower in the White Trash has gone the same route as not nearly as good as the material on Sun" and "Road Block." Sides three many groups who have done live albums this album. I don't know much to say and four consist of cuts done with Janis' - they have sacrified musical quality to about this album except thzt it is very own Full Tilt Boogie Band on its tour achieve the tension and the audience good. Although no individual cut stands of Canada in 1970. The songs here are "involvement" which is apparently out, each one is a beautiful yet light and "Half Moon," "Kozmic Blues," "Move necessary for successful rock concerts free tune with nice words. Yes, I said Over," "Try," "Get It While You Can" these days. This record is not musical, nice. Out of the clamour of social and "Ball and Chain." but is generally a superficial rhythm on commentary in folk-rock music in the The quality of the album is good for which is built a blaring wind section and last few years, here is a record with a live recording, and actually comes Jerry LaCroix's rasty voice. words that give no startling revelations, across with some good music. The About half of the songs were written yet are still good. recording even includes little con­ by group members, and with one The main attribute of this record is versations between Janis and the various exception, these are not worth men­ Tom Rush's voice(s). He has a high one audiences. Janis was only on the music tioning. After listening to the trash and a deep one; both are excellent. scene for a few years, but during that (literally) on the first five songs, I was Added to a good arrangement and time she seemed to live and sing with an pleasantly surprised by Rick Derringer's competent instrumentalists, this voice intensity that could not have been "Rock and Roll, Hootchie Koo," a song and mind have put together quite a maintained for a lifetime. Knowingly or originally recorded by Edgar's brother good album. YES. not, it was her own life she sang about Johnny. And Johnny Winter is there to -Claude Anderson preceded the solo debut albums ten with and originally done by THE CALIFORNIA TECH of the de-grouped Beatles." If Eric Clapton) and "Groupie" Thursday, June 1, 1972 that is the case, there are a lot of (written with Leon Russell, made Page Ten disappointed music fans around a hit by the Carpenters under the today. title "Superstar"). "Only You The album, "David Clay ton­ Know and I Know," "Sound of Thomas," contains a number of the City" and "Well, Well" are SCUBY Do? potentially valuable assets. David included on the album, as well as himself is capable of doing some several others. nice vocals, and the musicians I have heard Delaney and first three dives, the devotees took backing him up were all of top Bonnie criticized on the grounds Tech's beginning SCUBA classes free quality. There were some very that they are no longer as new diving (without compressed air tanks). impressive' songs on the album. and fresh as they might have In spite of a few untimely gulps of cold On the whole, however, the seemed before the influx of Leon salt water, most of the initiates thought album was a failure. It fails to Russell and Don Nix. That may that the views of starfish, abalone, and generate the excitement that one be true, but I don't think that sea urchins were worth the discomforts. comes to expect out of the newness is the most important One even remarked, "It's the next best vocalist of the last three Blood, thing to look for in music. Much thing to being in outer space." . Sweat & Tears albums. In some more important is the ability of After getting the beginners helplessly cases, the songs chosen were dull. the music to move people, to get tangled in the kelp, the certified divers In others, the arrangements were them into the feeling of the don their tanks and wander around the disastrous. Most of all, David music, and this album does that. bottom until their air runs out. During didn't sound excited about the YES. (Columbia KC 31377) this time anything can happen - Dr. whole thing, and that is what his -Nick Smith Mayer once saw an octopus change style requires: excitement! Look colors; others have seen schools of at the songs that made him Finally, a very definite NO goes to sharks (one or two feet long) swimming famous, things like "Spinning "The Greek Side of My Mind" (MGM around them. Brilliant orange Geribaldi Wheel," "Lucretia Mac Evil " and SE-4818) by Denis Roussos. Although (a 6-inch long fish) can be seen from far others. All of them had a he wrote most of the songs on this away; moray eels like to hide in dark vibrancy of the same type that a album himself, he seems to have caves and are usually discovered when a Joe Cocker radiates. This is deliberately imitated the styles of other diver accidentally sticks his hand into a missing from the new solo performers running from Rod McKuen album. den. to Neil Diamond. Imitation may be the Later, while the divers are one the "Magnificent Sanctuary sincerest form of flattery, but it is no beach taking off their wet suits, tales are Band," "Dying to Live" and a told about the lobster that just got away few others from this new album indication of talent. 'Nuff said. W. and the 8-inch abalone which refused to have at least a minimal listening -Peter Beckman be pried off his rock. So far this year, quality. Others, such as Neil however, nobody has returned talking Young's "Don't Let It Bring You about the 20-foot white shark he or she Down" (not even credited to the saw. But then, most divers who see right writer) and Dewey Martin's ..iu!05D ,asol iJ4~ "'iilq nOA 20-foot white sharks don't return. (another Buffalo Springfielder) jlUOOJ JiJlndlUO) 841 lO Ino hit "Caress Me, Pretty Music," ;"0IS '81188°1 'lQ '8S0iJld.. are just boring. That is a very sad The Critical Ear thing, for both of these songs are well-written. I must regretfully give this album a NO. (Columbia KC 31000) I appreciate the fact that Columbia sent a record that was a favorable enough surprise to bring me out of my bad mood from the DCT record. "D&B Together" by Delaney and Bon­ nie and friends is a really fine album. It has all the excitement the DCT album lacks, and more. Columbia Records often in­ Most of the songs on this album cludes a biography of a recording were written by Delaney Bram­ artist with the promo records lett, with the exceptions of those sent for review. Recently I written by Bonnie in combina­ received such a biog which stated tion with others. The album that the David Clayton-Thomas includes several hits, including aaJ4:l-~uaM.J. Aof!uaf- album had been awaited "with two Bonnie songs made famous ZL6L 'L aunf the kind of anticipation that by others, "Comin' Home" (writ- :laA!J ~NI880l:fH~ :l04 atn

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Thornesday, June 1, 1972 Volume LXIX Number 69 Table ofNonsense Published sporadically [thank God) by the Amalgamated Studs of the Camelot Institute of Trans­ Staff 3 cendentalism and the California Tech Dedication Newspaper and Wine Tasting Society. The Night They Drove Old CITRAN Down Anon. 6 The opinions expressed in all articles Mad Turk Good Morning Tinkerbelle Darb 6 are to be kept from the Trustees at J. R. Toad's Wild Ride Puub 6 all costs. The Journey of Garble Tom David Miller 7 Copylate 0100 by Hal, Dial-A· Bruce A. Reznick 8 Glitch, Rapidograph, and Company. The Best of BARf Any resemblance between any real Business Manager's Delight $$$$ 10 person or BOD, living, dead, or Mumblefuck to You, Too! Tinkerbelle Darb 11 otherwise, is probably grounds for Ode to Ay 1 C. N. Cesspool 11 libel. (For legal advice call 878-1212.) Bergthorne's Unfamiliar Ouotations Philip Massey 12 third term frash .13 Editors·in·Sane Beter Peckman Bluebook Blues Cave N. Cesspool More Business Manager's Delight $$$$$$ 14 J. J. Malady Billy Jeff, Part 2: In London Town David Miller 15 Associative Editor Filled Reches The High and the Mighty !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 16 Ennui Editor NickleSmith Tech and Ambeastador to Unite Ed Schroeder 18 Featureless Editor Shread Odor Editor·in·the·Dark ...... ••• Up the Tubes Eat Oins Toadlewd 18 Court Reporter Wave Ctein You've Oned Claude Anderson 19 SADISTs Kill Swimmers I. M. Wett 20 Staphococcyx Clawed ASCIT of 11 21 Handhersom, Robert Keith-Hefner, Hugg N. Kisses, Dred Mission, Jenijoy's Lament Answered Staff 23 Priscilla Paisley, Massless Pulley, Critical Ear I Smith & Beckman 23 Etaoin Schroedlu. millikan troll, I. M. Critical Ear II Smith & Anderson 24 Wett. Still More Business Manager's Delight $$$$$$$$ 25 Our loyal public 26 Photo Grafters Passed Letters O'Merely, AJONs, Dazed Prisoner, Tech About Town Phil Neches 30 Pole R. Oyd. That Was The Year That Was millikan j troll 32

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The Hot Throbbing Rivet Offices: Mandelbaum's Freezer Folly. Misrepresented nationally by Nobody photo credits- Ever Advertises Service, Ink. Cover - O'Meara & millikan troll Smudged by No Strip Service. 2 Ctein & Pole R. Oyd Beautiful-Downtown Glendale, ill 3 _. Peter Davis, Floyd Clark, Bill O'Meara So mewhere-off-the-freeway, Cali­ 5 - History Tech Editors - 12:45 a.m. fornia. No class postage paid at 10 Floyd Clark Pasadecency, Californicator since all 16-17 - Mike Williams & millikan troll the cash is in the bail fund. 19 - History Subscriptions are a joke anyway. cartoons by Terry J. O'Neil, except as noted. the hot THROBBING rivet - june 1, 1972 - blacker six glugerbymumblebroopshmumpf

The Night They Drove Old CITRAN Down With ten dollars for gas - and a dollar for food. He knew he'd be broke by the time he got screwed. Stephen Caine is my name, Not that it mattered, what mattered to him, And I worked as the Booth Compo brain, Was the fact that the motor was making a din, Till so man'y abends they came His muffler was shot, and one headlight was dead, And put down the run again. And bright was the flash known as CHP red. Winter of '65, IS was hungry, just barely alive, Took an IBM system, oh well To pull over was bad, but not to was worse. It was a time I remember oh so well ... (His decision was tougher than writing this verse.) So, he pulled to the shoulder and prayed for the best. Chorus: The night they drove old Citran down, (He hoped that the cop wouldn't give him a test.) And all the consoles ringing, For the jug was half gone, though the grass was all there. The night they drove old Citran down, (It was hidden as well as the fur on a bear.) And all the students were singing, Nyaa, nyaa, nyaa-na-na etc. "Your car's in bad shape," said the cop with a smile. "I hope it can go just another half-mile. My cousin's garage is just over that hi/l, If you tell him I sent you he won't pad the bill. While you wait for repairs, here's a nice, friendly tip: Mad Turk Good Morning Song The whorehouse is just past the sign that says 'DIP'." (To the tune of 'There are smiles . ..) A credit card's fine to have and to hold There are paisleys Though on parents' accounts you can't be too bold. that make us happy, Though bordellos, as businesses, only take cash, There are paisleys You might just get by with some grass or some hash. that make us blown, 'Cause barter is old, and for services rendered, There are paisleys that slip in with the sunshine A girl might take anything valuable tendered. And mingle with your own; There are paisleys that have a special meaning He proffered the goods to the girl with a smile; That the eyes of Darbs alone can see ... She emptied the baggie and looked at the pile. But the paisleys that fill my life with (CENSORED) "No stems, and no seeds, and half-powdered to dust, Are the paisleys you give to me. Oh, by the way, hon, raise your hands, it's a bust. - Tinkerbelle (Paisley-Mama) Darb We girl narco agents are never well paid, And by these assignments you might say we're made."

But out through the window our hero did jump Flipped on his dingus [Etaoin Schroedlu memorial word] J. R. Toad's Wild Ride and fell on his rump. Listen close, friends, and I will recall And ran, mother naked, past tree and past rock, The horrible fate that once did befall While his body ignored the pain from his cock. An illustrious student of fa ir C.1. T. He fled through a pasture, and according to Sam Who left here for pleasure - a nookie run, see! He was last seen eluding a passionate ram. On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-two This Techer was horny; he wanted to screw. He never returned from that fateful foray; He just vanished somewhere just north of L.A. He said to his roommate, "My purity score The moral of this is as clear as the sky. Rose two whole points; it's been three months or more When you find yourself horny, and ask yourself why, Since I last balled a girl (or a girl did ball me), Don't look for your nookie too far from Tech's walls Although just last week Linda fondled my knee. If you treasure your freedom, your dope and your balls. My dreams are all turgid, and jacking's a bore; I haven't the money to go buy a whore." -Puub

So into his car with a jug and a lid, I never saw a purple cow; This frustrated hunk of virility slid. I never hope to see one. Off to fair Davis, the home of the sweet, But then, again, In a broken-down Chevy that did overheat. I never considered working for He had names and numbers, faces and friends, food service. Including one lover with multiple chins. the hot THROBBING rivet - june 1, 1972 - dabney seven The Journey of Garble Tom

As Garble Tom Headweak got onto "Well, I heard about the Hot-Life There were plenty of winter sports at the submarine, he thought to himself Social Theater Church, and it said Love the McMurdo ijilton. In addition to that he hadn't done too much of his Craft on the sign outside, and I skiing, they had snowmobile races, regular work lately. Of course, he didn't thought ..." snowball fights, and ice skating. Garble have his job any more, so some of it "I know what you thought! Well, Tom went for the snowmobiles, because couldn't be helped. Even before he lost you're not going to get away with it! they made almost as much noise as his his job, though, some of his projects, You are sinful sinful sinful and we have Harley Electra-Glide with the reverb­ such as the expedition to Disneyland, to teach you a lesson" He took his cane, chambered pipes, now languishing in the hadn't turned out too well, and of which looked somewhat like a shep­ garage in far-off Pasadecency. He course a lot of people had been upset herd's crook, with intentional sym­ thought his experience on motorcycles by the rumblebees, though they hadn't bolism, and hooked it around Garble might help on snowmobiles, but it been his idea, but something the lab Tom's neck, intending to drag him out didn't. Even so, he got to be a pretty people had dreamed up to feed the giant of the Hot-Life. As he needed his cane good rider, and took long rides around deadly nightshade-Venus fly trap hy­ to walk, this did not work very well, so the area near the Hilton. One day a brids. Being public spokesman for one of the other Public Purity Leaguers white-out occurred while he was out Matador College during that affair had chased Garble Tom out by clubbing him riding alone. The white clouds and fog convinced a lot of people in the outside with her umbrella repeatedly. Having in the sky merged imperceptibly with world who had never heard his radio finished this she meanly said, "I hope the snow on the horizon, until it was program that he was some kind of you get what's coming to you, you like being trapped in the middle of a scientific dingbat. immoral creep," and got into her cold cotton ball. When he looked at his The current problem, however, had brand-new shiny-red super-stock Dodge gyrocompass, it wasn't working, ap­ begun innocently enough when he had with a white plastic gardenia hanging parently frozen. This was beginning to heard of the Hot-Life Social Theater from the rear-view mirror, and went look bad. Well ... he had been coming Church. Garble Tom was always in­ tearing down Colorado Boulevard. along in a fairly straight line. If he just terested in finding little weirdo When they got back to Matador turned and went back the other churches, because they were almost College, Hilbert Horatio said to Garble direction, he should come to something always worth a few remarks in The Tom, "Well, we have to send you off familiar-looking. This plan didn't work. Straight Dope magazine about the crazy somewhere where you can get re­ Pretty soon the ground started rising, faiths misguided people were turning to. oriented ..." and the air cleared enough for him to The Hot-Life Church was not too far "China?" see a line of hills or mountains ahead. from Matador College, and Garble Tom "No, someplace remote. Of course, Things were beginning to look very had no trouble getting to it for an you'll have to stop doing the radio doubtful, because he was almost out of evening service, which was the only kind program, not be canceller of Matador fuel, when almost in front of him a they had. It didn't look much like a College, or managing editor of The circular hole appeared in the air, and a church.. Outside, a sign said, "Tonight Straight Dope any more, until your soul figure on a black horse rode through, LOVE CRAFT ... Multimedia is as white as, ah, I have it, you can go shouting, "... it happened again!" Show! Live and Filmed ACTION!!!" to Antarctica. All that snow should turn Garble Tom forgot momentarily about Garble Tom thought this meant some­ your mind to thoughts of purity." his own problems at this new arrival, thing about H. P. Lovecraft, who wrote "But there's no place to stay down and stopped his motor so he could hear remarkable horror stories, but always there." and talk to the man. He asked who he thought of himself as an atheist, and "Sure, there is. The McMurdo Hilton was, and how he got there. died a long time ago, anyway. Stranger just opened. It's going to be the greatest "I'm Billy Jeff, Billy Jeff Mystic­ and stranger. And the strangest of all ski resort in the world: year-round Wanderer, if you want the translation of was what was going on inside, which snow, no problem with the slopes my Indian name, and I was riding across didn't have much observable connection getting too crowded, and no bears or the alkali flats when I happened to with either religion or Lovecraft. Up anything but the penguins. You'll love think how much the white and shiny on the stage were several ladies who it, it will be conducive to serious crystals looked like snow. Sometimes seemed to have itching powder inside thinking, and since our Worldly Church the gods grant me wishes, even when I their clothes, judging from the way they of God owns 38%, you'll get a don't want them. Now I have to want were writhing around, and the hurry discount." something ... Dashing o'er the snow, in they seemed to be in to take everything Since it was getting to be spring in a one-horse open sleigh ..." His horse off. As for the movie part, he never did the Northern Hemisphere, it was autumn turned into a small snowmobile, and he figure out what was going on there, in the Southern. Chile was chilly, as he was quickly wearing a thick parka like because only moments after he got into got off the plane and got onto the Garble Torn's. the Hot-Life he saw, and was seen by, submarine that would take him and the "Singing 'Jingle Bells' is magic his father, Hilbert Horatio Headweak, other tourists under the hundred­ words????" and the rest of the Public Purity League mile-an-hour Antarctic Ocean autumn "Well, it can be. There's a rule to of Pasadecency. "Garble! What are you gales which made flying to Antarctica these things. 'One-horse' ... I only had doing here?" impossible this time of year. Continued on Page Twelve the hot THROBBING rivet - june 1, 1972 - lloyd eight THE BEST WITH BARf

by BARf Dig it. Johnny Karma here, now you know summer is just Hi there, Johnny Karma here, your friendly OJ at about upon us, so in the public interest, and to keep the rollicking radio KJOB, asking the musical question: "Who FCC off our backs, rollicking radio KJOB presents a scuba took the "roll" out of "rock and roll," and probably not safety song: answering it either. We've got lots of boss parodies for you (sung to the tune of "You've Got a Friend") tonight, but first, the top rollicking radio KJOB headline: When you're down in trouble, "Hey man, want some dope?" Yes, a survey of our And you need a breath of air, newsroom shows that this is the top line from one head to 'Cause your old gas tank is on the fritz, another. Just kidding, Chief, heh-heh. OK, the first lyric Close your eyes and surface, here is about the big building with the weird people. And forget about the rate, (sung to the tune of "The Boxer") Because you need to get that oxygen: It is our best building You just go up too fast, And its storeys number three, And you know your life won't last, It has squandered our endowment Feel it bubblin', bubblin' through your veins. For a chandelier that Fall, winter, spring, or summer, hangs down ostentatiously. You've run into a bummer, All hexagons! Because my friends, Still, a building speaks to who want to hear You've got the bends And is mute to all the rest Hey ain't it bad to know that you've got the bends When you expected to live so long? When it left its home It thrills you as it kills you; back in Dabney, Takes your blood and aerates it, Humanities were just a mite Yes carbonates it. in the company of titans; So don't go up so fast, 'cause you want your life to last against Feynman, Delbriick Feel it f1owin', f1owin', through your veins. only Jenijoy to show, Summer, fall, winter, or spring, feeling low. Just keep on doing your thing, Living in the poorer quarters And as you do, my friends, Where the cultured students go, Avoid the bends teaching just those courses that they want to know Groove it. Johnny Karma here - wait, here is a bulletin Lie-lie-lie from KJOB news, dateline Hollywood: The French Connection walked off with 5 Oscars tonight, police are Asking only standard structure, continuing their investigation. See you tomorrow, it went looking for a site, remember, "Blessed are the rich, for they shall inherit," but it got no offers, and as the I Ching says, you can't win 'em all. Stay tuned just a come on from a boorish in a jif for a whiff of Stiff Cliff Riff. Carrying you to El architectural form. Stiffo, John Lennon, in one of his less charitable moods: I do declare, at that time it felt so left out (sung to the tune of "Imagine") that it took a contract there Imagine no more Ringo Lie-.'ie-lie It's easy if you try; He cannot drum or sing-oh Then its laying out steel girders, I think we could get by. and wishing it were done, Imagine no more Starkey finally done Clutt'ring up the scene-ee-hene where the cries of astrophysics You may've thought I'm the Beatles, aren't haunting it, But that's not the only thought, taunting it, Someday they will find out finally done. All the others were for nought.

So in the clearing stands our Baxter Imagine no George Harrison and a building crafted well; I wonder if you can; and it carries the reminders His lyrics are embarrasin' of every trowel that His music's too Indian built it up, and shaped it, Imagine no more Georgie, till it stands there Clutt'ring up the scene-ee-hene in its glory and its pride: You may've thought I'm the Beatles, "I am Baxter, I cost money" But that's not the only thought, And the building still remains. Someday they will find out All the others were for nought. the hot THROBBING rivet june 1, 1972 Imagine no McCartney ricketts nine And no more Linda, too; His lyrics have no heart, nei- . ther his music do. Imagine no more Paul, I know they say let it be, Clutt'ring up the scene-ee-hene But it just don't work that way, You may think I'm a bastard, And his course of a lifetime runs But I'm not the only one, Once and never again. Without the other Beatles, No I could not give you physics I'd surely have all the fun. In a strange enNobelling way When the Murray Gell-Mann reunion Stiff Cliff Riff here, with music to soothe the salvaged Is only a summer away. beast. Hey, did you hear about the cat who dropped battery acid? He wanted tv take a trip by automobile. Speaking of Such a fine man. Here's a riddle for you: What's number chromosome damage, here's a trib~te to those twenty little two, and trying hard to stay there? Give up? Well ... tarot cards that really tell your fate - the amino acids. This is a special request from little Christine Mouse from (Sung to the tune of "Tiny Dancer") Disneyland, who is six years old today. From the cWoral Bluejean hater, D.C. baiter hydrate stains on her note, we can tell that someone's Spokesman for his stand. slipped Christine a Mickey. Hopefully while she was Slaty-eyed, phony smiled, you jolly hatchetman wearing her Minnie skirt. Obfuscating, always hating, red thoughts should be banned. Now he's in us, always with us, Spiro Agnew in our land. (Sung to the tune' of "lucy in the Sky with Billy Graham, out to slay 'em, Diamonds") Making millions off of God. Picture yourself in a cell from the liver Turning back, he just laughs, With ribosomes here, and chromosomes there. Nixon's friend is not so bad. Some proteins brush you, you rotate quite slowly, Miami Beach . .. he makes a speech in the auditorium. A chain with amino-like hair. Making rhymes, he knocks the Times, Carbonous groupings of Hand N The words he speaks, the thoughts he slurs. All falling offto a side. 3 But, oh! How it seems so bad, listening here with no one near Look for the molecules making this mess and you find Only you, and you can hear him as he says harshly, slickly, Leucine in the cell with glycine Sock it to us, Richard Nixon, Leucine in the cell with glycine Count the white kids on the busses, Leucine in the cell with glycine Marijuana is immoral, AHHHH But not bombing reds for Christ. Follow it up with a trip to the center, Where helical structures reduplicate sides To think of all the great Greek gifts to civilization and now Everything hums as you float past the sugars this! Cliff Riff here at radio KJOB with a report from our That are the polysaccharides. fIlm critic Otto Focus. Otto, you saw Fritz the Cat last Cytosine bases appear on the right, night, what did you think of it? Frankly, Cliff, I thought it Guanining slowly away was Crumby. Thank you Otto, always an incisive review. Climb in the back with the phosphates in front, And now, a message about public health. And you're out. Leucine in the sky with glycine (to the tune of "Heart of Gold") Leucine in the sky with glycine I've studied bombing Leucine in the sky with glycine I've studied bonding AHHHH I've found an answer for the common cold Picture yourself with some peas in a garden Ascorbic acid will do the trick With crossing-plan scheme, with monkish-like stare. I'll keep on plugging at the common cold Suddenly something is flashing inside you, But I'm getting old A chain with amino-like hair. I'm tired of stalling Outt~site! I dunno, amino acids are so ... so ... organic. For I am Pauling Did I ever tell you that I knew a cat who's been in Europe No one believes me 'bout the common cold this year? He says he's coming back with a new scale of Five grams each morning, and you are bug free measurement: four quarks equals one gell-mann. But still I'm plugging at the common cold And I'm getting old. (Sung to the tune of "Mother and Child Reunion") No I could not give you physics This reminds me of the story about the Techer who got On a strange and eight-fold way drafted, and while slaving at KP became wistfully But the Murray Gell-Mann reunion reminiscent of the good old days in 22 Gates. When.asked Is only a summer away, oh, little freshman of mine how he felt, he said that he found Pauling appealing and I can't for the life of me peeling appalling. I've got to leave now. Goodnight, and Remember a sadder day, may the Bird of Paradise. This advertisement is neither an offer to sell, nor a solicitation of an offer to buy, any of these securities. The offering is made only WANTED! DEAD OR ALIVE! bv the Prospectus. [preferably the latter]

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, by Tinkerbelle Darb we tickled them so they'd relax." doing with my camera?! Who are you, "He11 0, friends, this is your "Don't you know that that's assault anyway?" on-the-pot reporter, F. L. Ipbits, dealing and battery?" "The constable of rangoon. Far out, with Dabney. Today the Big Channel "Fuck butts, man, they loved it! feedback. (Munch, munch)" Three Gnus-Ream is on the beam at a They gotta get their rocks off [Yells and mutterings in background, scene of spontaneous disruption. Let's somehow." interspersed with giggles: "That's what I see if we can find out what's going on." "Uh, thank you sir, and ... now, if get for wearing my chastity belt." "EEEEEK!!' you'd mind moving out of the way of "Want me to get my lockpicks?" "Harf "A disheveled and frantic victim has the camera ... hey! hey! Jesus! What is lockpicks! "] just stumbled out of the melee. Sir, this?! " [Cut to shot of Cave-in struggling, being what is your name, and could you tell "Well, you looked sort of uptight, so held down on his stomach by several me, what's the deal?" drug-crazed and/or drunk fiends, with a "Blark! I came over to pick up a lid "Get your dirty hands offa me, you girl sitting on his. back.] and find my lost Malady, and these degenerate atheistic Turkish hippie "You, miss, who do you think you maniacs pulled me onto this waterbed monolithic anarchistic fruit!" are? What are you doing to this man? and started attacking my balls!" "Ah, man ... eat shit!" Get off of him!" "How many people are involved in [Cut to blown frosh with S.E.G., ''I'm Mistie Harmnone, Psychological this mess?" hardhat and sign: Where do we go from Engineer, and this man has never been "Oh, at one time there were thirteen here?] kissed lying down. Wait your turn!" on the waterbed, four on the floor, one Commercial: Are you tired, blown, [Cut to Unit Crazy Fucker attacking wrapped inside the cloth on the ceiling, can't troll? Try J.K. 's Miracle M for a Paisley Lunatic, while Fiery Gronkel two in the sink and [Bzzzt! frap. fast pickup! Discounts on bulk orders, attempts to ward off insidious foot­ mumble-fratz] at your local Miracle Dealer's. ticklers with nonexistent karate chops.] [Cut to TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES "This is your Head Reporter, taking "What IS the cause of all this sign.] over for F. L. Ipbits. The situation is commotion? Why does the youth of Singing comme rcial: I've seen your tense. ("hee hee!") The monster is today ignore all proper glugerbymumble­ double knits, I think they are the pits, growing. One Unit Crazy Fucker has just broopshmumpf ..." come to Saccharine Balls where the joined the scene, diving homily I "There. He ought to come on in prices are for shit. mean viciously in to this ... this " about. 30 minutes. Think we oughta do [Cut back to reporter.] "Tickle-orgy!" something to keep him from getting too "Sorry, folks. It seems that a gypsy ". .. tickle-orgy. Thank you, sir. speedy?" mutant industrial vacuum cleaner has Ladies and gentlemen, we have an arrival "Yeh. Will he smoke? Guess not. been lasing out Channel Three on home from the outside world who has not yet Cram a Magic Cookie down his throat." TV's for a radius of one-quarter mile. been drawn into the struggle. What is "Hello? Hello? Your reporter is Here comes another escapee. Perhaps we your opinion of all this, sir?" temporarily out of it, so to speak. We're can get something coherent out of him "Oh, I don't know. Might be good not gonna let him go till he's good and " for a few purity points." zonked. These types need a lot of "Ah, mumblefuck. Where's my "Come again? Oh, never mind. You mellowing, anyway. So this is the clone." seem to be one of them, anyway." Paisley Darb signing off for him from "You, sir, can you give our audience [In the background, several gigglers are Tinkerbelle's Home for Raunchy, Overt at home some idea of what's going on?" seen to struggle to their knees, wave to . Bozos & Blown, Institutionalized "It's a tickle-in, you turkey. And if the newcomer, and yell, "Hey! Cave-in! Techers, saying, 'We're all bozos on you'd come out of the head you could Come on over and get cher bod THIS bus!'." join, too." tickled!"] "I'm trying to get an unbiased report "It seems that a paisley-covered for our listeners. How did it start?" lunatic has come to drag in this outsider [Cut to a shot ofgiggling bodies pouring addressed as 'Cave-in'. We will, for the Ode to Ay 1 out of cubbyhole into narrow hallway. first time in video history, ladies and Pan writhing limbs, zoom in on gentlemen, attempt to interfere with the Twinkle, twinkle, little star, unattached arm holding unidentified gnus in congress ... I mean progress, Wish I knew what type you are. burning object; cut back to escapee and rescue this unfortunate." a BAFGK M, number 2.] "What do you mean, the first time in You must be in one of them. "Well, we were just playing with each video history? I always interfere with Twinkle, twinkle, little star, other, ya know what I mean? and these the trips I film." Wish I knew what type you c:re. Dudes started getting paranoid, so "And what do you think you're - C. N. Cesspool the hot THROBBING rivet - june 1, 1972 - fleming twelve Bergthorne's Unfamiliar Quotations

by B. Thome "I'm married to a newspaper." ~ "When I move my arms, nothing Sure enough, another year at Peter W. Beckman happens." / "Funny, when I move my "America's last great Institute" has gone "Well, I'm not about to give up my arms, my stomach hurts." by, and by random coincidences, I find sex life for the California Tech." ­ "Two years here, and I never I have collected another bunch of Andrea K. Goldfarb realized there are mosquito larvae in the totally meaningless and/or obscure quo­ "Andrea, it was the only part of your water." tations that have occurred within and body I could reach." - Random Tech "Can I help it if you're wedged?" around our hollow halls. Editor in Upper Seven "I wouldn't have yelled 'Bruce' if I "That's a really unique looking "My extremities are always cold." ­ had known his name was Fred." white something or other over there" ­ Randomer Tech Editor in Upper Seven. "Now, we would like to get to Astronaut Young, 4/22/72. "He's certainly managed to keep know you, and you would like to get to "That's like five years of Caltech in his secret plan for ending the war secret know us. So we're meeting after dinner fifteen seconds!" - Unknown tech­ for four years." - Leonard Nimoy. in the lounge so we can meet you, and nician, The Forbin Project. "Milwaukee? Milwaukee? I don't you can meet us, and we can find out "I hate the red shift." - J. even know which state that's in." what we're like, and ...~' - Dan Greenstein. "Before some other S.O.B. in some Sinema, 9/27, 28, 29,30,31 .. ./72 "But Physics I is a prerequis­ other place does it, we want to do it "So you see, Totem is really a ite!"/"Yes, but nobody ever said you here." - J. Greenstein, 4/7/72 front for the CCF" - Vice President (?) had to pass it." "This is the worse audience I've Agnew. "Yes, I had forgotten that." ­ seen since the Glee Club sang for an "This is a very singular occurence." Rafe Rackstraw, H.MS. Pinafore. elementary school." - after Charfy, - Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B., H.MS. "After you've measured one stellar 5/26/72. Pinafore. velocity shift, you've measured them all." - J. Greenstein, 4/7/72 Tom shouted over the roar of their "I'm not convinced that inhabitants motors, "It looks like something's still of large-g planets would be short. After alive around here, and I don't think it's all, we have I-g and we're pretty tall." Headweak human." "It certainly is alive, and it certainly 5/27/72 Continued from Page Seven "We discovered helium on the sun isn't human," said the huge shapeless years before it was found in the one horse. 'Open' .,. A snowmobile mass which now blocked their way laboratory. That's why we call the sun could hardly be more open. 'Sleigh' ... back. "Would you please come inside Helios." - T. Lauritsen. Well, the skis have knife-sharp edges, where it isn't quite as cold?" "It wasn't so much that he was on and there is a long spear projecting from "I don't often have anybody to talk the wrong side of the road - it was that the front '" Yes, that would slay to," it said when they were inside the the road was on the wrong side of the almost anything. Check your gas, the building. "Usually I eat them before road. " tank should be full." It was. "Some­ they have a chance to say much, but I "What kind of scientists are you, times they're thoughtful for things like saw what you did to your horse, and I anyway." that." don't want to be turned into a 747 or "We came again soon, but we "Perhaps we should get up on a hill, some thing." didn't drive carefully." here," said Garble Tom, "So when "Are there any more like you "Hopefully, we'll be totally irrele­ things clear we can see our way back to around here?" Billy Jeff asked cau­ van t." - R. Hertz the Hilton, unless you want to telport tiously. "I don't want you to be taken in yourself again." "No, this ice age you've been having by what I say." .- B. Klein "No, sometimes these things go by lately chased them all away. We have "Let me say a word about that opposites. I might end up in the crater wings with which we can fly through while I'm talking about it." -B Klein of Kilauea." the electro-gravitronic ether of the 'That's the one nice thing about The ride up the mountain side was universe, and we can get along without using tritium in bombs ... you only easy, and they kept going up and up. oxygen for quite a while, several have one-eth left after thirty years if The mountain was tremendously high, centuries, anyway, so they just flew off you don't use them." - J. Greenstein. though they had not been able to see to another star system. I would have "Just remember - you read it first this when they started in the fog. And gone along, but I was way too fat to fly in the Tech." - Tech editor to slightly the way got easier and easier until it at that time. Things have been a bit confused Totem editor. began to look like a road. The huge first hard these last million years or so, and "Surprise - it's a coconut." / building had largely fallen in, but when I'm down to my flying weight, but I've "Why couldn't she have given me they got into the lee of a spur of the stayed around the last few thousand clams. " mountain, they found much better­ years to watch you people. I suppose at "Roger, null set, bleep, bleep." ­ preserved buildings, including one which least half of your sea-monster legends Doonesberry. seemed to be the entrance to a tunnel are about me. I deserve them. In case "You mathematicians can find into the mountain. Around the doorway you're wondering how I know English counter-examples to any proof." _. R. the ice had been neatly chipped away. so well, I have quite a lot of electronic Feynman to T. Apostol. "I think we better go back," Garble gear in me from submarines and airplanes I've eaten, so I've followed TV Billy Jeff: Little vampires always the hot THROBBING rivet and radio broadcasts for a long time. I brush after every meal. So should you. june 1, 1972 may leave almost any time now. I It's time for a commercial. this page has no number wouldn't want anybody to come after Rabbit: No, it isn't. Did this creature, me with atomic bombs. Anyhow, metal what's his name anyway, say where they ships don't taste as good as wooden were originally from? tried to burn RED POWER into the ones. But I must say, aluminum is Garble Tom: No, he didn't, just that drapes. Garble Tom yelled, "They're pretty nice. It's always a treat when I they had been travelling for billions of asbestos-lined gloves with plastic tubes can fish up an airplane. As you might years from star to star. He said his name running into a propane bottle in his guess, I don't stay around here all the was Mglafwhthnulgu, but I called him coat, not more of his false gods' work." time. Yes, indeed, nothing quite com­ Fred because it was easier to pronounce. This uproar was a real show-stopper. pares with a DC-3." Billy Jeff: You know, I once knew a When the TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES "I'm sure McDonnell-Douglas would guy who accidentally tossed his Sticky sign was removed, the show resumed be glad to know," said Garble Tom, at a Fingers album through a plate-glass with new furniture, and no guests but loss for any other remark. window. It just goes to show that Averell Harriman, who is always willing "But enough about me. If I'm not people who live in glass houses shouldn't to drop in on the Rabbit show at short going to eat you, you might as well throw the Stones. notice to fIll some time with his latest leave, but you might like to see some of Rabbit: Do you have anything remarks about what a rotten job the the artistic treasures we used to create. constructive to say? Nixon Administration is doing. You have never seen anything like them." Jeff: Yes. Why do they sometimes *** Many hours later, when they had call you Rick Cravat? And so, it was home to Pasadecency seen only a few of the many ricWy Rabbit: Because my ratings are in a for Garble Tom. Before he went to ornamented tunnels and buildings, the tie with Ronnie Carless'. What kind of a Matador College, though, he called his creature said, "I think I had better take question is that? Well, now it is time for father's secretary and asked if Hilbert you away from here, so you can't find a commercial. Why do I read Esquire were in. your way back again. It's almost been a Magazine? Because it is there .. , Who "Well, he called a little bit ago and pleasure meeting someone I wasn't going put that on my cue card? said he'd be coming in a moment, but to eat. If there's anything I can do for Billy Jeff gave him a big grin. when I looked out in the parking lot, you ..." After the commercial, Rick Rabbit there in Hilbert's space was the biggest, "Yes, I've thought of something," asked Garble Tom, having given up on ugliest car I ever saw in my life. I guess said Garble Tom, "It involves a trip of Billy Jeff, ".How do you explain the fact that's what he meant when he said he'd some distance, but you would get that no mountains such as you describe be coming in a Moment, but I didn't even something to eat out of it, though you are anywhere within several hundred know he had a new car. Maybe it's some would probably only consider it a small miles of the McMurdo Hilton." new experimental thing, 'cause in snack ..." Garble Tom: Maybe whatever moved addition to wheels it had propellers and The men at the Navy South Pole Billy Jeff to Antarctica from Death bulldozer tracks. Anyhow, he headed Station didn't really believe the story Valley moved me some distance across west without telling me where he was the men they found told, but there was Antarctica. I won't call it or them gods, going." no better explanation for the sudden but that is the only thing I know of. I "May be he was going to the beach," appearance of a radio evangelist on a don't understand that "electro­ said Garble Tom. snowmobile with no gas, and a half­ gravitronic ether of the universe" "Ha, ha, that's a good joke. Say, you breed Indian and his horse hundreds of business, either. and he have everything straightened out miles from the McMurdo Hilton. In due Rabbit: What did Fred look like? now?" course, they were flown back to the Garble Tom: Well, it's very hard to "Yes, everything's going to be just Hilton, and then they returned to the describe. Imagine most of the animals fine now." United States, where they were instant that have existed in the last two As he returned to his office, Garble celebrities. So they were asked one night hundred million years all mashed Tom was singing a song he had heard to be on the Rick Rabbit show. Billy together with a fork, and you have some from Darwin Millstone. Like most of the Jeff unfortunately again assumed his idea. He has feathers and wings and things Millstone said, there was some­ role of the bane of the news media, scales and hair and tentacles and flippers thing a little strange about it, but Garble aided by his unseen divinities. and fins and legs. Loads of eyes. And Tom didn't mind. Rabbit: If these creatures lived on various radio antennas, propellers, and a "Oh, you11 take the high road, and the earth for nearly a billion years, why set of bulldozer tracks. You know the I'll take the low road, and I'll be in hav~n't we found their relics elsewhere? old saying, 'You are what you eat,' well, Scotland afore ye, Garble Tom: Well, they left more in his case, externally, it's literally true. "For me and my true love will never than a million years ago, and between Billy Jeff: Well, Ah'll be dogged! meet again, on the bonner, bonner ordinary geological weathering, and the Ain't thet jest the goldurnedest thing banks 0' Loch Lyman." effects of the glaciers, almost everything y'ever did see? It was good to be home. on land has been completely destroyed. He was not talking about Fred, but They also built cities under the sea, about the way a little flame was Bluebook Blues mostly in the deeper parts, and we projecting from the tip of each finger of Finals! oh-oh haven't been able to reach those until his hands. He had written, THE FIRST Finals, leave me be: very recently. Also, some things, such as AMERICANS ARE SECOND-CLASS I have seen my grades, those huge stones in France, may have CITIZENS in the carpet before anyone And it's too much, too much for me ... been attributed to human work. realized what he was doing, and then - third term frosh JOIN THE Dabney Imports, Ltd Good Shit Since 1931 20% Discount for Metric Ton Quantities CALIFORNIA TECH This Week Only "Mystery Mindfuck" 50¢ ea.

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Thinking that the book was gone. "Tis a opened, he said, "Could you tell qUickly that either the Myth­ most wondrous mask," said the me where I am, I seem to have ology and Anachronism Society man. "Thou art a fellow Thes­ lost my way." was going in for more realism pfan! For only actors use masks. "Certainly. You are. at the than usual, or !hat he really had What might his name be?" sculpture studio of Alvin Cosa­ somehow been sent to sixteenth­ "Some call him Richard the nostra, whom I have the great century England, and in either Lyin'-hearted, though this is not honor and pleasure to be. Let me case it was best to go along with a true ... " show you my latest work." the situation, Billy Jeff said, "Hold! 'Tis the answer to my It was a mass of wires shaped "Good sir, I have lost my way. I trouble with the fifth act. Grim more or less like an egg. "I'm know nothing of the Green humor - jokes in a graveyard!" not too familiar with this sort of Lady, for I have not been long in Holding the rubber mask before art ..." began Billy Jeff, who town." him, he said, "Alas, poor Yo­ was much more interested in "She is a Roman specter, rick!" Turning to Billy Jeff, he finding out what century this rarely seen in the same place, said, "I knew him, Horatio. A was. "It's a wire sculpture of the wearing a green robe. 'Tis said fellow of infinite jest ... Write it composer, Richard Strauss. Of she seeks her consort, who is down quickly, William," he inter­ course, it doesn't look like him similarly garbed, and they tiptoe rupted himself, and hurried out very much, but according to the about seeking mischief." of the room. wire Strauss approximation "I shall not seek them. theory, I can come as close as I Knowest of lodging nearby?" Having wandered out to the like if I keep trying." It suddenly "Harman's at the sign of the occurred to Billy Jeff that banana." edge of sleepy London town, Billy Jeff was not entirely Arthur Hailey was not named Irving, and that perhaps by the "Well, Richard, I see we surprised to see the little man principle of reversing symmetry, haven't been forgotten," Billy from Revolvingdore standing in if one thing works part of the Jeff said to his Nixon mask the the grass. "What am I doing way, the opposite thing may next morning. He had put the here?" said Billy Jeff. work the rest of the way, so he mask in his pocket when he "I can't tell you." hurried out ofCosanostra's came off the mountain in a "Don't you know? I thought studio. Arthur Hailey didn't help thickening fog the night before, you had transtemporal vision." any, so he decided to try and the remark was prompted "Sure, I know, but I can't tell non-authors who weren't Irvings. by the book he held in his other you, or Mr. Salem Rhines Arthur Hailey reminded him of hand. The book had looked from Tombson will be very upset. "Airport," and "Airport" re­ a distance like a Gideon Bible, However, I can tell you that you minded him of Dean Martin, so which would have been strange have received a clue that will he said "Dean Martin." enough in sixteenth-century Eng­ help you get out of this mess. land, but the book was actually a You also should be careful of long, dirty best-seller about the occult powers, and a large part The effect was immediate. 1972 Presidential campaign called of the point of this little The fog grew no thinner, but a Bury Paris, and it was written by excursion through transfinite re­ thunderous explosion occurred to I.M.N. Seine. ality is to teach you that. the right of him. Others followed Clearly, some god was being Good-bye for now." And he and faster, with eerie whistling noises, whimsical, but, considering his his little spaceship disappeared. and Billy Jeff qUickly decided eccentric pantheon, Billy Jeff So Billy Jeff considered, and that he was getting bombed. If could not say who. His musings decided that the most obvious Dean Martin meant getting were interrupted by a cry from clue was the book. A clue to bombed, he was caught in a the street: "Harman, you stink!" what? It was clearly supposed to Metaphoric Dislocation, or Re­ This was true enough, but the be a best seller, and it was ality Pun. And so he had the proprietor of the sign of the written by I. M. N. Seine. Now final answer. He could be free of banana was no worse than the almost all the authors of best-sel­ all the nonsense if all of it were rest of soapless aide Englande. lers are named "Irving," so this just an illusion. So he said was clearly Irving M. N. Seine. Then the door opened and a man Continued on Page Twenty-Two who looked vaguely familiar Billy Jeff said, "Irving" three

The Califomicator TECH

Volume LXIX The Steam Tunnels, CamTrans, Thornesday, 1-110-11110110100 Number 69 The Plain Tech??? Dr. Howard Black Tech & Ambeastador To Unite OfCIT Springs Short Interview In a surprise announcement earlier to run between them. "We understand this week, Caltech President Childe that Ambeastador has developed a magic [Ed. Note - In a surprise move la.st Harolde Von Braun announced that carpet transport system. Apparently this week, Dr. Howard Black, president of negotiations are under way for the is one thing in which we can learn from the Camelot Institute of Trans­ merging of Caltech with Ambeastador them, since the only magic about our cendentalism, called a press conference College in Pasadena. "One of the carpets is how they can cost so much." to announce his return from Flipper­ primary reasons I began this move was Elementary, Watson ... ground. Following is the text of that that I recall how disappointed the Tech Von Braun continued, "Even aside earth-shaking conference.] . students were two years ago when the from their historical attitudes toward Immaculate Heart College decided not religion, I expect that Tech students Dr_ Black: Well, I'm back from to move to Pasadena, and I figured that should find the presence of Ambeasta­ Flipperground again. I'll be leaving in this was an even better opportunity to dor people on campus to be a ten minutes. Any questions? bring that old-time religion to Tech." stimulating and worthwhile experience, Differentiated Press Local: Where are Making the initial contact with something they hadn't ever done before. you going? Ambeastador was difficult, continued For one thing, I'm· told that Am­ Dr. Black: I'm sorry, that's classified Von Braun; "Henry Kissinger wasn't beastador is very fundamentalist, especi­ information. available, so I had to call on the ally about sex. Well, when it comes to Amalgamated Press: When will you PHWH&RR, and they came through sex, most Techers need to start at the return? splendidly. I was very intrigued by the fundamentals. " Dr. Black: I'm sorry, I don't have time report they brought back from their It's Round to answer that question. Thank you for visit to Ambeastador. I don't know yet All the ground work was not done corning. about their heads, but there can be no by PHWH&RR, revealed Von Braun. A doubt that their hearts are pure," he clandestine Tech society known as DEI, said, presumably speaking of the resi­ whose spirit pervades the campus, also dents of Ambeastador. It was added that impressed Ambeastador with its obvious Tech's Dabbley House had promised to religious significance, and the frequent Up the Tubes assume responsibility for the heads in and public ritual cleansing of misguided question. Techers also impressed the religious by Eat Oins Toadlewd Questyng Beast schools with Tech's concern for matters Well, fiends, the big news this week Negotiations are under way for a of grace. has to be the merging of Tech with our mutual pooling of resources available to Von Braun also announced a religious friends to the west (see article, the two colleges for their mutual gain. combining of publications on the part of this week). It is rumored that all of the "Ambeastador is very interested in the two schools, which will result in a meaningful negotiations have been com­ coming up with evidence to disprove joint magazine called Science and pleted except the ones concerning the evolution, so we have promised to trade Fundamentalism and a common news­ role of Feynman in the new, unWed them B&G for their electron micro­ paper called The Plain Tech. Both cosmos. We also hear that the new scopes, which PHWH&RR reported to publications will have to print material housing plans will call for all rooms me that they are not using very acceptable to a joint editorial board. being used as doubles, with one student successfully, and which we could "You can't get something without giving from each school in each room. definitely Hnd a use for. Apparently something up," said Von Braun, who Individuals who fall from a state of there are a lot of scientific tools there will be forced to give up his position at grace will be housed in the steam going to waste now," added Dr. Von the SAULT talks until representatives tunnels until they have achieved sal­ Braun, "not to mention money. We from Russia's legitimate, Tsarist govern­ vation, or passed physics, as the case hope to apply scientific, rational criteria ment are seated in place of the Godless may be. to their use." Communists. Presidential policy will be Fit to be Tied There are apparently many schemes jointly set by Von Braun and his There were also minor rumblings in on tap to help unite the two campuses, opposite number, Garter Tet Harm­ the Inanities Division this week, as the including a high-speed transport system wrong. Genial Chairman, Dr. Flutterback, an- the hot THROBBING rivet june 1, 1972 beckman nineteen nounced that he is perfectly willing to resign his position and turn it over to your correspondent or any other student who thinks he or she can do so much better, the only stipulation being that he and Dr. Lancet Dayless can be the first ones to throw bricks at the new Administration. At this writing there have been no takers. There have also· been rumors that Daffney House has offered to operate a chapel, to be called the Spiritual Church of the Paisley God-heads, this autumn, with lam Hunted as Chief Priest and Sacrificial Victim. Arti~'S conceptio~ of the new administration building to be built on the site of Gates. Fall Op, Ian ClaSSically styled In "Bastard .Greek" the building will face Millikan Pond. seen in the backround. Note that the Semor Oak will be saved. Hottest tip of the week comes from Lyme Bommer, who reports that for its daily trek to the cafeteria, origin of a huge impediment to the the Parkinson poohbahs are currently thirty-six little faces are characterized by youth's struggle to conform becomes screening replacements for our esteemed fear of the reality of the possible apparent. Physical Plant Dept., which was recently humiliation which they must suffer. The On the inside of the back part of the given a Spiro Agnew watch and retired noise and pushing in the line as they carton, under the section which says, after too many years of service (?). To march are simply the work of their "Open other end," lies the heretofore date, the most traditional system conscious minds trying to inhibit their unexplained number 12 which is a major suggested is comprised of a Murphy's subconscious instincts to bolt in the stumbling block on the path to Law tensor mechanism spread over opposite direction. As it approaches its emotional education. It is my opinion campus and connected with a random impending test, a contemplative hush that it is placed there by the bill generator with an extra-long ex­ and sudden cessation of forward impel­ manufacturer for the sole purpose of ponent field. lation of individuals by those behind disrupting the child's emotional stability. them descends upon the luckless queue. For, in the haste of putting together the Gathering all his senses, a youngster inexpensive container, the 1 is occasion­ dits down at the table and waits until he ally left off the carton. A theory states is sure his efforts are not being that the 1 actually leaves the carton and You've Oned observed. Proceeding in his endeavor to enters the mind of the child to rupture the paper-and-wax container, he unbalance his ego. may be obstructed in one of two ways. The toughest decision of each day is Coming to Caltech, I was dis­ Often the unfortunate student, unable that of whether to select a carton appointed by that institution which calls to comprehend the words "Open this imprinted with 12 or one simply bearing itself food service. But not at all in the end," unsuspectingly pries apart the the digit 2. At the table the cry goes up, usual way. For the jump from high opposite end of the seemingly imper­ "Two's are girls!" Mary, a good student school to college marked the end of meable carton and is subsequently who has given her teacher no problems, my association of the half-pint milk compelled to open the top completely, glances at her milk carton. Oh no! It just carton with the school cafeteria. And forming a square opening rather than can't be! There in plain Sight is a 2. the rare cartons I have encountered here the desired straight line with a diamond Before it, etched indelibly"is a 1. Her have the added convenience of a straw on the end. The other problem is sexual inadequacy having been con­ hole. Although the conventional carton experienced by the child who receives a firmed, she knows she will never find a causes no problems for most Techers, it carton whose paper is sealed too husband or lead a normal life. How is perhaps the root of all psychological effectively. Unable to find another many Marys have attempted to termin­ problems developed by first-graders. method of entry, he must establish a ate their existence by stabbing them­ During the first year of school, the fissure of such diameter as to allow the selves with their blunt crayons for this most important accomplishment of insertion of a drinking straw. The feeling very reason? every boy or girl ~s to be like everyone of incompetence generated by the The solution is simple. Instead of else, or if worse comes to worst, better inability to perform such a "simple" placing "Probability" in chapter seven of than anyone else. Due to the milk action may easily instill an inferiority Feynman I, it should be chapter one of carton, enough frustrations are incurred complex in the most stable first-grader. "One by One - A Counting Book." by a normal, happy schoolkid to force This alone is enough to drive a Then the children will be able to him to lose all hope of conforming or student off his rocker. In reality this calculate for any given day the excelling. comes after the first shock. Upon close likelihood of each number designating Ten minutes before the class lines up examination of several milk cartons, the their sex .... the hot THROBBING rivet ffGive P.m Shit, Harry!" june 1, 1972 claypool twenty Re-Elect The President. .. Of '48 California Committee for the inappropriate behavior as she crawled SADISTs Kill Swimmers Re-Election of the President around on the tables naked, grabbing Heavy Casualties: Los Angeles County Region food with her hands. But a grandmother 1670 Wilshire Boulevard can overlook such things. Tech 2, SADIST 3 Los Angeles, Calif 90017 Returning to my original thought, I by I. M. Wett was saying to my next-door neighbor Tech 'swimmers got into trouble Dear Sirs: Bess just the other day, that I think that last Friday before their meet started, as Words cannot express the thrill that Harry is the only man who can save this Virgin Shielder's car broke down while overcame me when I received your country. But frankly, I didn't think that driving five swimmers to the meet. Also, correspondence in my mailbox yes­ the re-election of our Greatest President, frosh star Rufus DoesItAnyhow was terday. I haven't been getting much mail Harry S. Truman, was an idea that could suffering from an infection and could since my 90th birthday celebration back gain enough popular support. Speaking not compete. Hence only Captain Might in '66. Of my 8 children, 25 of support, my son Dick, what a nut he and Gee It's Sharpe were present for the grandchildren, 104 great-grandchildren is. A party with him· is a ball. He came first races against School for Anarchism and 6 great-great-grandchildren, all but to my 90th chock full of stories about and Demoralization of Incoherent Stu­ the dead ones were there (George drove how he always gets strapped for cash dent Terrorists (SADIST). his car off a cliff, Nancy ate a poison and has to be supported by his son, This automotive failure allowed apple, and Sam and Iris shot each other Jock. SADIST to jump to a 7-0 lead with a in a fight over an artichoke). My, wasn't As I was saying, why, I remember win' in the 400-yard medley relay. that the party! My 76-year-old son, back in 1945, the near orgasm which I Might's victory in the lOOO-yard free­ Francis, who is a sanitary napkin design experienced on hearing of Roosevelt's style cut the lead to six points, but engineer, was the life of the party as he untimely demise, enabling Truman to Sharpe's third in the 200-yard freestyle handed out samples of his latest come to the fore. "Skin those Japs alive, put Tech far behind. Tech's lawless creation, Veg-o-vag, a combination chas­ Harry!" I exclaimed. And he did. wreck of a coach decided on a "use tity belt and vegetable peeler. His cute Harry's a helluva guy '" and a True what you've got" strategy, which paid slogan is "Just stick your carrot in." Man. off when diver Grey Balls got a second Even my granddaughter Priscilla was Yes sir, I'm all in favor of re-electing in the 50-yard freestyle. there. I hadn't seen her since she ran President Harry S. Truman. Tech received an unexpected break away to join a tribe of Australian Sincerely, in the 200-yard individual medley. aborigines back in '41. Some people Mrs. aementine Ursulla Nora Trapp Sharpe, who had had at least a full weren't too pleased with her seemingly .--:.._------~-- minute of rest after swimming the 200 200-yard butterfly. Captain Might and the 200-yard breaststroke made the free, was declared the winner of the 200 Shee BitOntoIt place placed first and score SADIST 53, Caltech 48, with only 1. M. because SADIST's coach forgot to second in the lOa-yard freestyle, cutting the 400-yard freestyle relay remaining; tum in his entry form before the race. SADIST's lead to 39-36. the winner of this event would receive 7 Hence his speedsters found that they Membrane Broken points and the meet victory. Tech's first had sWUm the event unofficially. Keen K. Fuk, Tech's entry in the three men, Shee BitOntoIt, MAXK, and Shielder Comes 200-yard backstroke, did not fare as ChetsField, stayed even with their Shielder's carload of swimmers well, however. Just after the race SADIST opponents, leaving the race to finally arrived while the diving com­ started, the starter slipped and fell into be decided by the anchormen. Captain petition was in progress. Grey Balls the pool, discharging his gun underwater Might's dive was incredibly long, but, easily won the one-meter diving, and in the process. Keen's eardrums were for some reason, he left the blocks while appeared to be headed for a victory off broken by the blast, but he managed to ChetsField was still a yard away, the three-meter board when he fell finish second. One of SADIST's swim­ disqualifying the Tech team and giving victim to a right-man-in-the-right-place­ mers lost his sense of balance and had SADIST the meet victory. at-the-right-time accident. As he was to be pulled from the pool after heading After he finished, he complained about to bounce off the board into his for the bottom as he completed his first that he had felt a shock in his feet fifth dive, the first shock waves from flip turn. which made him jump early, but of the San Jacinto earthquake arrived, ChetsField was off to a good lead course he couldn't prove it, even though moving the board out from under him. in the 50o-yard freestyle when somebody the starting blocks were covered by two To the cheers of the SADIST crowd, he threw a water polo ball at him in an metal plates and there were wires was thrown into a sideways 1% attempt to knock him out of the race. leading from these to someplace well summersault. and hit the water on his Being a hard-headed Techer, however, hidden by the SADISTs. Or, as the back. His first four dives gave him the ball merely bounced off, causing no lawless wreck said, "We wuz robbed, enough points for second place, how­ damage. Shees took the opportunity to and I'm shocked by the SADISTs' ever; for further information call slam the ball down the throat of one of conduction." Tech finished ahead in the Huntington Hospital. his SADIST opponents, allowing Chets­ casualty count, however, with Keen K. Tech's spirit was not dampened by Field to finish first and Shielder third. Fuk and Grey Balls sharing a room in this, however, as Shees In ChetsField Screwed Again the Huntington Hospital; SADIST suf­ and MAXK placed first and third in the Gee It's Sharpe's second place in fered three wounded. the hot THROBBING rivet ASKIrOjfi june 1, 1972 mallory twenty-one

Stoned And Bombed?!. • • ASSOCIATED STUDS OF THE KALIFORNIA INSTI­ the rug anyhow, so, well, why don't you bring some Red TUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, INCORPORATED Mountain? Krude - If he does, I'll pour it on his head. MINUTES OF THE BOARD OF DICTATORS MEETING Turkey - Let's try not to have any business next week. - January 31, 2001. (8-0-0). - J. CROSS SIGMA HBAR Meeting was called to order at 9:50 p.m. by Secretary ASKIT SECRETARY Hbar. Present were Money, Kondom, Leister, Socrates, Beep, and Prince. Krude arrived late, as did Turkey, who then assumed the chairmanship. Intrahouse Scores 1) Diana reported concern concerning the use of Millikan Library by students. The matter was postponed by Dabney House 7 acc1imation. 2) The Athletic Slush fund was given fifty dollars I Blacker House 4 (5-1-1). Page House 1 3) Several alternatives for how to spend the Ricketts House 1 hundred-odd dollars collected from students for filing fees Lloyd House 0 were discussed. Ruddock House 0 Turkey - We've got to get drunk out of our minds. Fleming House 0 Anon. - See if you can invite her. Diana Prince - Why would I want to eat at the Hi Life? Turkey - Do you remember when BOD meetings went from 7:30 to midnight? Krude - The coffeehouse! Beep - But some of us aren't 21 yet. Hbar - Don't drink. Beep - Bullshit!

Turkey - Maybe we can get it catered. Krude - At the Coffeehouse! Diana Prince - It must be done with class.

Turkey - How many of you are under 21 and want to drink? All - (Unanimous response). Hbar - We can come back here and get drunk. Turkey - Then we can get bombed on our collective ASS-CIT. Krude - We'll invite P.W.B. if he brings booze. Beep - Two buck per person for booze!!!? Krude - If he shows up with Red Mountain ...

Beep - Money, will you drink? Money - I'm over 21, you idiot! Turkey - What do you want? Wine? Sherry? Cherrie? Diana Prince -- Grass. Turkey - We'll buy a lid. Diana Prince - .::lEI has some good crud, I hear. Hbar -I don't think it's in the BOD-tradition to get stoned. Turkey - Stoned and bombed! Diana Prince - I don't think the BOD should buy a lid. Buy two.

Turkey - Well, we've decided where to go for cocktails. "Why sure, Bill, I'll turn your How about dinner at my house - all the prime rib you can test in for you!" eat. We're house-breaking the dog, and we'll be shampooing the hot THROBBING rivet - june 1, 1972 - shrdlu twenty-two

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FRANKlYSPEAKING by Phil Flank Jeff, Billy! Continued from Page Fifteen "Gifford Irving!" and saw that the fog was cotton spread on flimsy wooden frames which fell over with a crash, He stood under a hot desert sun, sur­ rounded by English-style houses separated by lumpy streets that looked like cobblestones but were asphalt. A sign said, "Two blocks to London Bridge." As he was walking toward London Bridge, he met a man and said to him, "I was just passing through, and I wanted to see London Bridge, but I didn't know about all these houses, and the cobbly street, and I was just wondering why ..." "Oh, it's for authenticity. It would look pretty funny if we just had the bridge out in the middle of the desert. This way, with the houses, and the street, we're especially proud of the streets, we make them by rolling the asphalt with our special roller with the holes in the surface, we call it our hole·y roller, ha ha ha ha." ~IU IT TQ~ LUN6? I J / Billy Jeff found his horse, and 10 '-1 7 Yrode away into the desert.