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8

Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter

Although Brittany, Sarah, and Taylor are sisters in the same sorority, their sex lives could not be more different. Brittany has been seeing the same man for four years and has an active . She believes her , Chris, is completely faithful but she insisted they both get tested to be sure they do not have STIs. She is on the pill and tries to be as responsible about sex as possible, yet she has never discussed her active sex life with her . Although she Chris, she is not completely sure he is the “one” for her. Sarah is deeply religious and has cho- sen to remain a virgin until after . Sometimes she feels strange because most of the girls in the house are not virgins. She enjoys sexual activity with her boyfriend but always makes sure that they stop well short of . Occasionally, her sisters are a bit unkind and call Sarah frigid or prudish, which makes Sarah feel that her values are out of the mainstream. Taylor dated men in the past but recently admitted to herself and the world that she has always been more attracted to women. She announced to her sisters that she is a lesbian and is in a committed, monogamous relationship with her partner, Leslie. Most of the women in the house accepted her fully; however, she has heard a few homophobic comments and caught some of her sisters exchanging strange glances when she mentions Leslie.

ex is one of the most rewarding and difficult platonic, some of our closest encounters are sexual, issues people face. In this chapter, we focus on including romances and . Most of the Ssexual behavior and its importance in human research has focused on sexual relationships between relationships. Additionally, we examine communica- men and women; therefore, despite our best efforts to tion related to the development of sexual attitudes and include information about relationships between gay beliefs, initiation and refusal of sexual activity, coer- men and lesbians, there is a heterosexual bias evident cion and harassment, and in short- and long- in the research in general as well as this chapter. term relationships for both heterosexuals and Additionally, most studies focus on the attitudes and homosexuals. Although many close relationships are behaviors of couples in the United States; in other

179 • 180 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS countries, sexual attitudes and behaviors may be and interpersonally responsive (Buunk et al., 2002; quite different. Finally, the physiology of sex and Regan, 1998b). Women are much less likely than sexual desire is beyond the scope of this chapter, men to compromise on these standards. although excellent books on these topics are available There is likely a biological basis for seeking (see Rathus, Nevid, & Fishner-Rathus, 1993; Regan short-term sexual encounters. For our ancestors, & Berscheid, 1999). reproducing frequently was important because life expectancy was short and mortality, especially SEX IN RELATIONSHIPS infant mortality, was high (Andersen, 2006). One strategy for reproductive success, then, was short- term sexual encounters. Throughout the evolution Research has shown that sexual interaction, including of our species, men could gain a reproductive physical contact such as intimate kissing and touch- advantage by impregnating several women, so a ing, and sexual intercourse, is a vital part of common biologically based characteristic of men and marital relationships. Although people experience is to seek frequent mating opportunities with mul- some ambivalence about sex in premarital relation- tiple partners even though this underlying motiva- ships (O’Sullivan & Gaines, 1998), sexual involve- tion is not apparent to men today (Buss & Schmit, ment is typical in most dating relationships. For most 1993; Burt & Trivers, 2006; Willetts, Sprecher, & people sex, attraction, desire, , and are Beck, 2004). Although women can only have a closely intertwined. Differences in sexual interaction limited number of offspring, they could potentially often exist based on the type of relationship, sex and increase their chances of having healthy offspring , and . by having children with different biological , and therefore different genes (Tregenza & Sex in Short-Term Wedell, 2002), so short-term sexual encounters and Early Dating Relationships may have a biological basis in women as well. Considerable recent research suggests that women Short-term sex occurs when a couple has sex are more likely to be attracted to and interested in once or more without developing an emotionally having a sexual with someone other than . Most short-term sex takes their partner during the fertile phase that occurs the form of hookups or one-night stands. Contrary prior to ovulation (Gangestad, Garver-Apgar, & to the stereotype that only men seek short-term , 2007). Women also dress better, flirt sexual relationships, research shows that women more, and are more attracted to men other than also engage in short-term mating strategies for their partner during their sexually fertile phase many of the same reasons as men: sexual desire, (Durante, Li, & Haselton, 2008; Haselton & sexual experimentation, physical pleasure, and Gangestad, 2006; Haselton, Mortezaie, Pillsworth, alcohol or drug use. Men are likely to use short- Bleske-Recheck, & Frederick, 2007). Of course, term sex for status and sexual satisfaction, whereas the tendencies that had survival value for our women are more likely to use it as means of trying ancestors do not necessarily have the same value to establish a long-term commitment or to enhance today. Most women today do not want to get preg- their economic status (Greitemeyer, 2005; Regan nant through short-term encounters. In addition, & Dreyer, 1999). For many men, the ideal short- men should not use evolution as an excuse for term mate is physically attractive (Buunk, Dijkstra, being unfaithful. Fetchenhauer, & Kenrick, 2002; Greitemeyer, 2005; Although one-night stands are not uncommon, Van Straaten, Engels, Finkenauer, & Holland, typically occurs in dating relationships 2008), but men are willing to compromise on traits between people who share some level of emotional such as intelligence and status. For women, the intimacy. In these relationships people seek to experi- ideal short-term partner is physically attractive, ence , , and relational somewhat older, more experienced, self-confident, closeness (Mongeau, Serewicz, & Therrien, 2004; • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 181

O’Sullivan & Gaines, 1998). Research also suggests one’s partner from getting upset, avoiding conflict, that first sex is a turning point in relationships for bet- or preventing one’s partner from losing interest ter or worse (Metts, 2004). Situational factors, such as (Impett, Peplau, & Gable, 2005). drinking alcohol, can also prompt sexual involvement Although men’s sexual desire peaks in their (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994; 20s and women’s in their 30s, the association Morr & Mongeau, 2004; Sprecher & McKinney, between relational and sexual satisfaction is high 1993), as can special occasions such as going to the throughout life, even for seniors (Barr, Bryan, & senior prom or anniversaries. Kenrick, 2002; Burgess, 2004; Howard, O’Neill, & Research shows that among dating couples, Travers, 2006; Lawrence & Byers, 1995). The sexual satisfaction is an important component of amount of sex declines as couples age, but sexual relational satisfaction for both men and women satisfaction does not (Burgess, 2004; DeLamater & (Byers, Demmons, & Lawrence, 1998), although Hyde, 2004, Howard et al., 2006; Willetts et al., many other factors contribute to relational satisfac- 2004). Research shows that as women age into tion, such as commitment, love, and compatibility. midlife and the senior years, feeling attractive is If the relationship is satisfying and if neither partner associated with sexual desire, enjoyment, frequency feels coerced or obligated to have sex, their first of sexual activity, and ability to reach experience of sexual intercourse usually has a posi- (Koch, Mansfield, Thurau, & Carey, 2005). In long- tive effect on the relationship (Cate, Long, Angera, term relationships, both men and women find a & Draper, 1993). This is not to say that sex always variety of sexual activities important to sexual sat- makes a relationship better, but high-quality sex can isfaction (Lawrence & Byers, 1995). contribute to a good relationship. Both men and women view sexual desire and satisfaction as vital to achieving true romantic love Sex in Marriage and (Regan, 1998a; Regan & Berscheid, 1999; Sprecher Other Long-Term Relationships & Cate, 2004; Sternberg, 1987). Studies show that people with high levels of sexual desire in their rela- In long-term love relationships, physical tionships report higher levels of excitement, connec- contact—including touching, kissing, and sexual tion, and love (Christopher & Kissler, 2004; intercourse—is essential (Christopher & Kissler, Hendrick & Hendrick, 2002; Sprecher & Regan, 2004; Regan & Berscheid, 1999). It is in long-term 1996). Indeed, when students in the United States romantic relationships, not in hookups or dating were asked to list the persons they sexually desired relationships, where most sexual activity takes place and the persons with whom they were in love, 85% (DeLamanter & Hyde, 2004; Willetts et al., 2004). of the persons named appeared on both lists Married people experience higher levels of sexual (Berscheid & Meyers, 1996). Interestingly, the pos- satisfaction than dating or cohabiting couples itive association between sexual satisfaction and (Sprecher & Cate, 2004). An essential part of het- relational satisfaction also exists in China, suggest- erosexual love, sexual intimacy evolved to keep ing the cross-cultural strength of this association mates interested in one another (Buss, 1988b; (Reined, Byers, & Pan, 1997). Hendrick & Hendrick, 2002). A couple’s ongoing Criteria for long-term romantic partners differ sexual interest promotes bonding, cooperation, a from those for a first date or short-term sexual division of labor, and the establishment of a stable encounter. Both men and women place a higher value environment for childrearing (Buss, 1994; Sprecher on qualities such as interpersonal skill, emotional sta- & Cate, 2004). Sex is particularly satisfying and bility, responsiveness, and orientation, and less enhancing when it results from approach motives value on physical attraction, in long-term opposed to such as feeling good about oneself, wanting to short-term relationships (Buunk et al., 2002; Regan, please one’s partner, or promoting intimacy. Sex is 1998b). Women throughout the world prefer long- not as pleasurable or relationship enhancing when it term partners higher in social and economic status is prompted by avoidance motives such as preventing than themselves (Buunk et al., 2002). But sex itself is • 182 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS important; in long-term relationships “sexual desire is intimacy with them. Men are more likely to experi- a distinguishing feature and a prerequisite of the ence sexual desire in response to sexy looks, erotic romantic love experience” (Regan & Berscheid, 1999, situations, and friendly social behaviors (Benuto & p. 126). In short-term sexual encounters, by contrast, Meana, 2008; Buunk et al., 2002; Cupach & Metts, sexual desire is often present without love or intimacy. 1995, Greitemeyer, 2005; Regan, 2004). Studies consistently show that men have a stronger sex drive Sex and Gender Differences than women (DeLamater & Hyde, 2004; Holmberg & Blair, 2009; Vohs, Catanese, & Baumeister, Sex is an important part of a good relationship, 2004), have more sex partners (Willetts et al., 2004), but men and women are not identical in their sexual are less monogamous, and are more likely to believe inclinations and behaviors. The reproductive roles, that is a sacrifice (Schmookler & Bursic, sexual behaviors, and mate selection strategies of 2007). Men are also more motivated to date and men and women are different. Biologically, women have sexual relations; less willing to live without invest much more time and resources in becoming a sex (Mongeau et al., 2004; Regan & Berscheid, . For women, reproduction involves finding a 1995); more liberal in sexual attitudes (Benuto & mate, having sex, going through and Meana, 2008); more likely to engage in short-term childbirth, nursing and nurturing the baby, and in mating opportunities, particularly with physically most cases raising the to adulthood; for men, attractive women (Van Straaten et al., 2008); and are only finding a mate and having sex are biological more likely to think of the advantages of sexual rela- imperatives (Trost & Alberts, 2006). In reality, most tions rather than the disadvantages (Kisler & men stay with their mate during pregnancy and help Christopher, 2008). Studies show that women’s sex- raise their offspring; this is a choice made by ual desire is more dependent on feelings, the type of responsible men. As the large number of single relationship they share with the partner, the potential moms and deadbeat dads indicates, some men make for intimacy and humor, and the status and intelli- little investment in their offspring. gence of the man (McCall & Meston, 2006), Of course, having sex does not mean having whereas men’s desire is more influenced by physical babies. Indeed, most couples conscientiously avoid attraction, sexual pleasure, and erotic qualities pregnancy during their sexual encounters. Having a (Buunk et al., 2002; Greitemeyer, 2005; Metts, baby is a huge commitment of time, money, and 2004; Regan, 2004; Regan & Berscheid, 1995, resources. Instead, sex is usually about pleasure, 1999). Men are more likely than women to regret commitment, and closeness. The biological impera- not having a sexual relationship; women regret tive of reproduction that makes humans sexual is action and inaction equally (Roese et al., 2006). deeply ingrained, and for most people, sexual desire Interestingly, the first act of sexual intercourse leads to sexual encounters. Reproduction is far less between two people usually has a much more posi- necessary, if wanted at all. tive effect on the relationship for women than men, Men and women also think and act about sex assuming that the sex was a voluntary act reflecting differently. Men have greater expectations for sex love and commitment (Cate et al., 1993). on dates than women (Mongeau & Johnson, 1995) Research suggests that females exhibit erotic and men think about sex more often than women. plasticity; their sex drive is more socially flexible, Some studies have even shown that males think culturally responsive, and adaptable than the male about sex every few seconds (Byers, Purden, & sex drive, which is more predictable and consistent, Clark, 1998; Vohs, Catanese, & Baumeister, 2004) less shaped by culture, and somewhat stronger and are more likely to look at women longer and (Baumeister, 2000; Vohs et al., 2004; Wells & more sexually than women look at men (Lykins, Twenge, 2005), although recent research suggests Meana, & Strauss, 2008). Women are sexually that men and women are more similar than different attracted to men who are relationally oriented, emo- in their sex drives (Benuto & Meana, 2008). Some tionally connected, and who show tenderness and women seem to do fine without sex, while other • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 183 women are highly sexual depending on circum- and lesbians experienced some degree of gender stances (Baumeister, 2000) and are more satisfied nonconformity as children (Crooks & Baur, 1999). with their sexual relationships than men regardless Because men and women differ in their sexual of how much sex they are having (Holmberg & attitudes and behaviors, it is not surprising that rela- Blair, 2009). Numerous studies show individual tionships between lesbians, gay men, and heterosex- women vary in sex drive over time. For example, a uals also differ to some degree. Yet there are major woman may have a stronger sex drive when she is in similarities between heterosexual, gay, and lesbian an intimate relationship than when she is not relationships as well (Holmberg & Blair, 2009). Like involved with anyone. Men, by contrast, have a heterosexual couples, the vast majority of lesbians more consistent sex drive that operates regardless of and gay men want long-term committed relation- their relational involvement with someone. ships (Peplau, Fingerhut, & Beals, 2004). Indeed, Heterosexual women are aroused by a greater vari- most lesbians and gay men would marry their partner ety of stimuli (e.g., affectionate behaviors) than are if gay marriage was legally sanctioned (Peplau et al., heterosexual men, who are more likely to be aroused 2004). Interestingly, gay men and lesbians report primarily by sights and thoughts of attractive higher levels of sexual satisfaction than do hetero- women (Chivers & Bailey, 2005; Chivers, Soto, & sexual couples (Holmberg & Blair, 2009). Blanchard, 2007). Men masturbate more, are more Despite increasingly progressive attitudes about likely to read , and are more likely to and in the United States, approve of than women (DeLamater & gay and lesbian relationships are still not readily Hyde, 2004). Of course, the popularity of Viagra accepted or understood by many segments of soci- and Cialis suggests that men’s sex drive is also ety (Peplau et al., 2004). Growing up gay in a het- somewhat variable. erosexual, homophobic world is not easy, and most Female sexuality is also more varied across dif- problems for gay men and lesbians come from ferent sociocultural settings than is male sexuality. adverse reactions of society. is a tough Baumeister (2000) cited ethnographic studies that time for all young people, as indicated by the high report much greater cross-cultural variation in sex- teenage rate. The rate is even higher for gay ual behavior for females than for males. For exam- teens, who may need counseling as they adjust to ple, in some cultures women have premarital sex their sexual orientation and to the attitudes of those while in others they do not. Studies also show that around them. women are less likely to reveal their true sexual atti- tudes than are men. This is part of a double standard Sex in Lesbian Relationships that still exists, requiring women to hide their sexual interest to a degree so as to not appear “loose” Over 75% of lesbian couples are monogamous (DeLamater & Hyde, 2004). Finally, women are and research suggests that fidelity is important to more likely than men to fake sexual satisfaction to lesbians (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). Unlike please their partners. men, lesbians are less attracted to women based on physical attraction. Sexual activity for lesbians Gay and Lesbian Relationships declines over time, leading to concerns and even jokes about the “lesbian bed death” (Peplau et al., Significant minorities of people are not attracted 2004; Van Rosmalen-Nooijens, Vergeer, Lagro- to members of the opposite sex, but rather have Jansen, 2008). Although the frequency of sexual same-sex attractions. Like Taylor who we introduced relations is associated with increased satisfaction in in the opening scenario, most homosexuals have lesbian couples (Peplau et al., 2004), lesbians have early recollections of same-sex attraction and a clear sex less frequently than male gay couples, hetero- sense that they were different from the majority as sexual daters, or married couples (Blumstein & early as preschool (Rathus et al., 1993). Research Schwartz, 1983). Women are taught to be selective suggests that throughout the world, most gay men in choosing sexual partners, to take a reactive rather • 184 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS than proactive role in sexual situations, and to act as absence of a woman in a relationship probably gatekeepers who decide whether sexual activity will reduces restraint and increases sexual frequency. take place. Lesbians must renegotiate these gender Gay men are also more likely than lesbians or het- roles so that they feel comfortable initiating sex. erosexuals to be in nonmonogamous relationships. In Moreover, since men have a more consistent sex 1983, Blumstein and Schwartz reported that 82% of drive than women (Baumeister, 2000; Julien, the gay men in their nationwide survey said they Bouchard, Gagnon, & Pomperleau, 1992), with no were nonmonogamous. Despite this, long-term rela- man to initiate sex, sex is less likely to occur. tionships among gay men are much more common Among lesbian women, acceptance of oneself as a than the media would have us believe. The Kinsey lesbian is associated with sexual satisfaction data suggest that virtually all gay men have had a (Henderson, Lehavot, & Somoni, 2009). Finally, steady, highly committed gay relationship that lasted lesbians may be satisfied with nongenital sex since, one to three years (Reinisch & Beasley, 1990). like heterosexual women, lesbians value physical Furthermore, some evidence suggests that gay men, contact, such as hugging and cuddling, and are likely like heterosexual men and women, have become to consider these ends in and of themselves rather more monogamous since the AIDS epidemic first than a prelude to sex (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). emerged in the 1980s (Sprecher & Regan, 2000). Close to 25% of lesbians are actually married to Gay men may have difficulty negotiating sexual men (Rathus et al., 1993). Some may be bisexual, initiation precisely because it is typically a male pre- others may be testing their heterosexual orientation, rogative. In short, some gay men resent the other and still others may be concealing their homosexual male’s initiation and refuse sex, which can lead to orientation. According to Bell and Weinberg (1978), conflicts. Gay men have more sex than other couple relational satisfaction is low in such marital rela- types since either partner can feel free to initiate sex tionships and almost all end in separation or . (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983; Parsons et al., 2008) Over 75% of lesbians have had at least one sexual and most gay men are highly satisfied with their encounter with a man (Reinisch & Beasley, 1990). sexual relationships. How to initiate sex may some- As discussed previously, research suggests that times be difficult, since kissing, which is a more women are more sexually variable than men and feminine behavior, is often the gateway to sexual have an easier time accepting various sexual orien- relations and is most likely in lesbian relationships, tations and conditions, including homosexuality or moderately likely in heterosexual relationships, and (Baumeister, 2000). least likely in gay relationships between men (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). Sex in Relationships Between Gay Men

According to the Kinsey report, although about SEXUAL ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIORS one-third of all men have engaged in homosexual behavior at one time in their lives, about 8% have Deciding if and when to have sex is a personal had exclusively gay relationships for three or more choice influenced by many factors, including lev- years, and only 4% have been exclusively gay els of commitment and , alcohol consump- throughout their lives. About two-thirds of gay men tion, and moral values. Sexual behavior is strongly have had sex with a woman, and 10% to 15% may related to people’s attitudes, for people may be be more accurately viewed as bisexual (Reinisch & born with a number of sexual feelings, preferences, Beasley, 1990). and proclivities, but most attitudes and beliefs On average, gay men have a higher number of about sex are learned. For example, a person might sex partners and engage in sex more often than les- be physically aroused and curious when thinking bians or heterosexuals (Blumstein & Schwartz, about having sex, but moral attitudes and beliefs 1983; Kelly et al., 2009; Parsons et al., 2008). might stop the individual from acting on the Because women often act as sexual gatekeepers, the impulse to have sex. • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 185

Developing Sexual Attitudes and Beliefs sexual. The media also influences “sexual scripts” for communicating about sex, which are discussed Research has shown that sexual attitudes and later in this chapter. Magazines are also an impor- knowledge come from many sources, including cul- tant source of information about sex and sexual ture, mass media, parents, peers, and past relation- issues. Starting in 1953 with the publication of ships (Andersen, 1993). These factors influence not Playboy, people from the United States were intro- only sexual attitudes but also sexual behavior and duced not only to open nudity on newsstands but communication about sex. perhaps more importantly to the “playboy” philos- ophy that rejected limits on sexual expression, con- Culture doned any form of consensual sex, and was critical of the institution of marriage (D’Emilio & Culture influences relational and sexual atti- Freedman, 1988). Similarly, publication of Helen tudes. Andersen (1998a) argued that “the most basic Gurley Brown’s Sex and the Single Girl in the early force that molds and shapes human beings, other than 1960s urged young women to reconsider the taboo our membership in the human race itself, is culture” against premarital sex. These publications show the (p. 48). Culture is resistant to change, and people usu- impact the media have on sexual attitudes. More ally adopt the values and attitudes of their parents and recently, sexual material on the Internet has become their culture unless very strong countervailing forces a concern of parents, educators, and politicians. come into play. Children of immigrants, for example, may be a negative influence with increas- are caught between two sets of cultural values—those ingly bizarre or violent effects, or it may be a harm- of their parents and those of their peers. Sexual atti- less form of safe sex with beneficial cathartic tudes change slowly across each generation and still effects. show cultural influences after 100 or more years of cultural assimilation. In the United States, African Parents Americans have the most permissive sexual attitudes, followed by whites, while people from Asian, Latino, Children learn about sex and relationships from and Middle Eastern cultures have the most conserva- their parents both indirectly and directly. Indirectly, tive sexual orientations (Sprecher & McKinney, parents serve as models for children. If parents are 1993). Among white Americans, particularly women, affectionate or sexual toward each other, children and to a lesser degree among African Americans, will expect their own romantic relationships to talking about sexual intimacy is quite common and is include or sex. Kids pick up attitudes about believed to be the heart and soul of a good relation- sex from their through modeling and body ship (Crooks & Baur, 1999). By contrast, Asian language. As a result, people raised with more con- Americans and Hispanic Americans tend to be more servative family values are more erotophobic and reluctant to discuss their sexual relationship. In experience more and anxiety (Simpson, interethnic couples, these differences require consid- Wilson, & Winterheld, 2004). Parents can also influ- erable understanding and adaptation by the partners. ence their children directly by talking to them about sex, yet parent-child communication about sex is The Mass Media rare (Fisher, 2004; Warren, 1995) and teenagers often feel uncomfortable talking to their partners Media are an important source of information about sex, primarily because the parents issue orders about sex. Research has shown that 29% of interac- or warnings rather than frankly discussing sexual tions on prime-time television depict sexual issues thoughts and feelings (Brock & Jennings, 1993; that emphasize male sexual roles and a recreational Philliber, 1980; Rozema, 1986). As a result, parents rather than a procreational orientation toward sex are amazingly unaware of their teenage offspring’s (Ward, 1995). Most of these interactions depict sex sexual behavior (Fisher, 2004). Within families, as a competition and equate masculinity with being teens report being most comfortable talking to a • 186 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS same-sex older or same-sex parent about sex about sex (Fox, 1981), and discussions about sex are (Guerrero & Afifi, 1995b), and and daugh- most effective when they are integrated into family ters are more likely to talk about sex than are fathers discussions well before a child is 16 years old and sons (Fisher, 2004; Philliber, 1980). Children are (Warren, 1995). Box 8.1 provides information on more likely to delay sexual activity and to use con- how parents can communicate effectively with their traception when their parents have talked with them children regarding sex.

BOX 8.1 Highlights

Ten Tips for How Parents Should Talk to Their Children About Sex

Clay Warren, a communication researcher who has conducted many studies on family sex communication, makes the following recommendations to parents who want to engage in effective communication about sex with their children.

1. Start talking. Most parents find it difficult to talk about sex with their children, but the more they initiate discussion about sex, the easier it becomes to talk about it. 2. Continue talking. Once discussions about sex are initiated, children expect to hear more. Parents should make an effort to continue talking about sex in more specific detail as their children mature. 3. Start early. Discussions about sex should start well before a young person is 16 years old. Early adolescence is often a good time to initiate sex talks. By their mid-teens, children may have out- grown the need to talk about sex with their parents and instead rely more on peers. 4. Involve both parents if the family has two parents. If both parents are actively involved in the com- munication process, neither one should bear the pressure or responsibility alone. Also, teenagers may be more comfortable discussing certain issues with one parent and other issues with the other parent. 5. Talk to both sons and daughters. Some research suggests that parents are more likely to talk to their daughters than sons. This double standard needs to be broken so that girls do not always bear the sexual responsibility in teen relationships. It is important for both boys and girls to under- stand the consequences of sexual activity. 6. Establish a mutual dialogue. When parents talk to rather than with their children about sex, the children are less satisfied with the information they receive. It is important that children feel free to initiate discussions about sex and to ask questions. 7. Create a supportive environment. Communication should be open and comfortable rather than defensive. Parents are often tense when discussing sex with their children. Instead, they should be relaxed and open. 8. Use positive forms of nonverbal communication. Nonverbal behavior is especially crucial in creat- ing a supportive environment. Behaviors such as a relaxed posture, smiling, vocal warmth, and head nods can all help ease the tension. • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 187

9. Remember that discussing sex does not promote . Knowing this fact might help ease some of the stress parents feel. Many studies have shown that talking about sex and sex-related topics such as contraception does not promote promiscuity. In fact, talking about these issues within the context of a broader discussion of sexual values might even reduce promiscuity. 10. Don’t leave the talking to someone else. If parents are not successful in influencing their children’s sexual attitudes, someone else will be. It might be a boyfriend, , peers, teachers, or even the media. Adolescents have questions that need to be answered. If they cannot find the answers at home, they will seek them elsewhere.

SOURCE: Information compiled from Warren (1995).

Peers (Hazan & Zeifman, 1994). In contrast, people who are uncomfortable with closeness and have had Rogers (1995) showed that most diffusion of unsatisfying sexual relationships in the past will be information about a variety of topics, including sex- more likely to desire short-term, casual sex than ually related ones, occurs interpersonally between committed relationships (Brennan & Shaver, 1995; people who are similar to one another. Sprecher Stephan & Bachman, 1999) and those who have and McKinney (1993) reviewed studies showing been hurt in past love relationships are less likely to that peers have a stronger influence on people’s experience highly passionate or in sexual standards than parents. Male adolescents are the future (Stephan & Bachman, 1999). Together notorious for inculcating male attitudes about what these findings suggest that people who have had constitutes a physically attractive woman, what positive sexual experiences in committed relation- constitutes masculine behavior, and the importance ships are most likely to expect future relationships of sexual conquests. Females share all manner of to be monogamous and sexually satisfying. Past sex- relational and sexual information with one another ual relationships can also affect attraction. Sprecher regarding male attractiveness, meth- and Regan (2000) concluded: ods, and the quality of individual males as potential mates. Although these stereotypes of heterosexual In general, research indicates that low to moderate men and women are exaggerated, they illustrate levels of current or past sexual activity and the that men and women talk about sex with their peers. restriction of sexual activity to committed relation- Sexual attitudes and behaviors are modeled by ships are more likely to increase one’s desirability as friends and then imitated. a partner than is a history of many sexual partners or casual sexual activity. (p. 219) Past Relationships Social Norms and Changing Sexual Attitudes Many attitudes about sex result from prior rela- tional experiences. People who have learned to The social norms of one’s culture also influence others and to be comfortable with closeness tend to people’s sexual attitudes. Attitudes toward sexuality, be more monogamous in their sexual relationships particularly premarital and female sexuality, became (Simpson & Gangestad, 1991). Moreover, having a increasingly permissive and liberal in the United partner who provides consistent, loving physical States during the 20th century (Sprecher & contact helps build an individual’s self-esteem and McKinney, 1993; Wells & Twenge, 2005). The best sets up positive expectations for future relationships data on changes in sexuality come from a study by • 188 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

Wells and Twenge (2005) that aggregated over 500 much more sexually active than they were before studies including over 250,000 participants. the of the 1960s. Throughout most of the century, premarital sex was Researchers have identified three types of sex- considered unacceptable, particularly for women. ual attitudes held by people today (Sprecher & But “premarital sexual activity has become norma- McKinney, 1993). Some people have a procre- tive for today’s youth. Rates of sexual intercourse ational orientation, which reflects the belief that for teens have increased dramatically” since the producing offspring is the primary purpose of sexual early 1960s” (Christopher & Roosa, 1991, p. 111). intercourse. Other people have a relational orienta- For males and particularly for females, both sex- tion, which holds that sexual intercourse is a way of ual activity and attitudes in favor of sexuality steadily expressing love and affection, and developing increased from 1965 to 2005 (Wells & Twenge, greater relational intimacy. Still others have a recre- 2005). In the 1950s, only 13% of teenage girls were ational orientation, viewing sex as a primary sexually active whereas by the 1990s, 47% were sex- source of fun, escape, excitement, or pleasure. The ually active. Before 1970, the average age for first procreational orientation, the position taken by most sexual intercourse for men was 18 and for women major religions, is associated with traditional, con- was 19; by the late 1990s, this average had dropped servative cultural values. The relational orientation, to age 15 for both (Wells & Twenge, 2005). which is equated with moderate sexual values, is Similarly, before 1970, less than half of teenagers had widespread in the United States. People with this engaged in but by the 1990s over two-thirds orientation disapprove of casual sex but usually of both men and women had engaged in oral sex. In approve of premarital sex in the context of a com- the late 1950s, only 12% of young women approved mitted or loving relationship. The recreational ori- of premarital sex, and by the 1980s about three- entation is a sexually liberal view holding that sex is quarters approved. The only sexual behavior not appropriate between consenting adults. increasing is the number of partners, which has These orientations are not mutually exclusive; remained fairly constant over the years, especially many people’s sexual attitudes are some combination since news of the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s (Wells of procreational, relational, and recreational. Indeed, & Twenge, 2005). But times have changed; today most married couples in the United States embrace over 80% of men and women have had premarital elements of all three values within their relationship sexual intercourse (Willetts et al., 2004). at different times. By contrast, attitudes toward pre- The revolution in sexual attitudes that began in marital sex vacillate between a relational orientation the 1960s was due to a number of factors. The and a somewhat recreational orientation in the United 1960s was a revolutionary era for all types of val- States, but are rarely procreational. Research has ues, including those associated with politics, shown that couples are more likely to endorse music, the environment, civil rights, and women’s increased sexual activity, including sexual inter- rights. In the 1960s images of sexuality were course, as the relationship becomes closer (Sprecher, widely depicted in the mass media through maga- McKinney, Walsh, & Anderson, 1988). Judging by zines, books, and movies, and to a lesser degree, their behavior, for several decades, people in the television. Perhaps the biggest factor was the birth United States have subscribed primarily to a rela- control pill—the first simple and effective technol- tional orientation through the practice of serial ogy that permitted sex without reproduction. For monogamy (Christopher & Roosa, 1991; Rathus the first time in human history, women could have et al., 1993; Sorensen, 1973). In other words, couples sexual relationships without risking pregnancy. are sexually active only with each other (monogamy) Several scholars suggest that the sexual revolution and do not engage in other sexual relationships until of the 1960s and 1970s was mainly a change in the current relationship ends. They may, however, women’s values, with men remaining much the move through a series of such relationships. same (Baumeister, 2000; Ehrenreich, Hess, & While a lot of research has focused on the dark Jacobs, 1986). Today teens and young adults are side of premarital sex, such as disease, pregnancy, • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 189 and abortion, positive outcomes also occur. Most pre- attraction, especially when they are in the early stages marital sex takes place in an intimate and committed of a relationship. Nonverbal flirtation displays are relationship that provides support and often leads to more common than verbal cues (Beres, Herold, & marriage (Christopher & Roosa, 1991). In fact, early Maitland, 2004). For example, gazes, smiles, warm research showed that serial monogamists overwhelm- vocal tones, and close distances are key flirtatious ingly loved each other and had healthy, caring sexual behaviors (Givens, 1978, 1983; Moore, 1985; relationships (Sorensen, 1973). Moreover, serial Muehlenhard, Koralewski, Andrews, & Burdick, monogamists had the highest school grades, were 1986). Indirect nonverbal cues are often used because most likely to use birth control, enjoyed sex more, they provide protection from potential rejection. The and were generally better adjusted than were either receiver can simply ignore these nonverbal cues with- promiscuous adventurers or virgins. out having to verbally reject the flirtatious person. Although most college students are sexually The flirtatious person can deny and simply experienced, some choose to remain virgins. In a feign friendliness. Sometimes, of course, direct ver- study of sexual behavior of college students, bal strategies are used, such as telling people they Sprecher and Regan (1996) found that 11% of men look sexy or talking about sex. These more direct and 13% of women were virgins, although virtually strategies, however, are more likely to be used in an all of the virgins reported experiencing sexual established romantic relationship. desire. Thus, Sarah, who we introduced at the begin- Scheflen’s (1965, 1974) model of the ning of this chapter, is not alone in her . process sought to explain how various nonverbal Women like Sarah give several reasons for being a behaviors unfold over time to signal availability and virgin, including the absence of a long-term or love sexual interest. Scheflen’s model includes five relationship, fear of negative consequences such as stages, with the earlier stages characterized by the pregnancy or STIs, personal beliefs and values, and most indirect communication. The courtship behav- feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. All of these iors in this model often reflect attentiveness, reasons were stronger for women than for men. approachability, and submissiveness. Thus, potential Virgins reported a mixture of pride and anxiety partners must gain one another’s attention and sig- about their status, although positive out- nal that they are available or approachable for com- weighed negative ones. Women were more likely to munication. Submissive behaviors that be proud and happy about keeping their virginity, communicate a desire for intimacy are particularly while men were more likely to be embarrassed useful during the courtship process because they are about it. The men and women who were virgins for seen as a nonthreatening, playful way to convey sex- deep religious or moral reasons, like Sarah, were the ual interest. Some submissive behaviors, such as most positive about their status. stroking someone’s hair in a comforting way, also mirror those used in parent-child relationship to convey caring and intimacy. COMMUNICATION PATTERNS The Attention Stage Research on courtship patterns and flirtation provides insight on how romantic and sexual relationships The goal of the first stage in Scheflen’s model develop. The literature on sexual scripts examines is to get the other person’s attention and to present the communication people employ to initiate and oneself in the best possible light—either strategi- refuse sex at various stages in relationships. cally or accidentally. When Taylor met Leslie with a group at dinner, she made sure she was in a good Courtship and Flirtation location to converse with her.At the table she made sure that she was seated near her to encourage When people flirt, they typically use indirect interaction. Throughout history, people have prac- communication strategies to convey their interest and ticed the art of gaining attention as a precursor to • 190 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS courtship. In 19th-century America, it was com- and smile at each other and display interest and ani- mon for women to drop something, such as a glove mation through gestures and expressive voices. If or handkerchief, in front of a man whom they the relationship is progressing, hand-holding is a wanted to get to know. The man, if polite, would be common romantic or sexual escalation event obliged to retrieve the dropped item and to turn his (O’Sullivan, Cheng, Harris, & Brooks-Gunn, 2007). attention to the woman. Similarly, men commonly If the setting is quiet, Taylor and Leslie may lower asked to be formally introduced to a woman, often their voices to draw each other closer. In this stage, by a relative or friend, before pursuing a conversa- communication becomes more synchronized; that tion. Any place where singles gather, we are likely is, turn taking becomes smoother, and partners to see a variety of attention-getting strategies, such engage in similar behaviors such as crossing their as Taylor positioning herself in Leslie’s view and legs. Although there is a marked increase in the inti- trying to catch her eye. These behaviors are indi- macy of communication at this stage, some submis- rect, including demure glances, tentative smiles, siveness and ambiguity still remain. For example, if anxious movement such as twisting the ring on Taylor and Leslie gaze for too long into each other’s one’s finger, and primping behavior such as fixing eyes, they might feel embarrassed, avert their eyes, one’s hair, applying lipstick, or straightening one’s and laugh nervously. tie. The Invitations and Sexual Arousal Stage The Courtship Readiness Stage Taylor and Leslie are very attracted to each During what is sometimes referred to as the other and are moving into the fourth stage—sexual recognition stage, the initiator of the flirtation deter- intimacy. The beginning of this stage is marked by mines whether the other person is approachable for the first implicit invitation for touch and sexual con- interaction. For example, if Taylor’s eye contact and tact. For example, Taylor might put her hand on friendliness is met with Leslie’s cold stare or Leslie’s knee to see how she responds. More subtle annoyed glance, or is ignored, the courtship process signs of intimacy include grooming the partner, per- will end. Similarly, if Leslie is busy interacting with forming carrying and clutching activities, and acting other people, Taylor will probably hesitate to sexually provocative (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, approach unless she receives a fairly clear signal of 2010; Givens, 1978; Scheflen, 1965). Grooming interest. Typical flirting behaviors include sustained behaviors include tucking the tag from someone’s mutual gaze and smiling, raised eyebrows, more clothing back inside the collar and pushing a stray direct body orientation, head tilts in the direction of strand of hair out of someone’s eyes. Carrying and the other person, and nervous laughter. More clutching behaviors include carrying someone’s grooming behavior also tends to occur in this stage, bags or books, holding hands, and leaning on some- with people tucking in their stomachs, arranging one’s arm for support. Sexually provocative actions their clothing and hair, and wetting their lips as they include dancing in a suggestive way, revealing body prepare to approach one another. parts by unbuttoning one’s shirt or crossing one’s leg to expose more thigh, and touching the partner in The Positioning Stage intimate places.

If Taylor and Leslie are attracted to each other, The Resolution Stage they will engage in a series of positioning behaviors that signal availability for interaction while indicat- If Taylor’s invitation is accepted and sexual inter- ing to others that they are, at least temporarily, a action occurs, Taylor and Leslie have reached the final “couple” and so should be left alone. Close distanc- stage. Of course, determining whether the invitation is ing and face-to-face body orientation are typical accepted is not always easy, especially if the behaviors at this stage, as in forward leans. Partners also gaze used in the sexual arousal and invitations stage were • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 191 indirect and ambiguous. When people move through sex on a first date or shortly after the partners meet; the courtship stages rapidly, the intent of both partners most couples wait until some level of intimacy has might be unclear. Perhaps Leslie was just being developed before having sex. With this in mind, friendly while Taylor was interested in a sexual rela- Christopher and Cate (1985) identified four types of tionship. Sometimes people engage in sexual teasing, couples. Rapid-involvement couples have high a behavior that is more commonly used by women levels of physical arousal and have sex on the first (Meston & O’Sullivan, 2007) and which can be mis- date or shortly thereafter. For these partners, sexual construed as real sexual interest. intimacy often precedes psychological intimacy. Some studies have shown that men are more Gradual-involvement couples let sexual involve- likely than women to see flirtatious behaviors as ment increase gradually as the relationship devel- seductive, whereas women often see these same ops and becomes more psychologically intimate. behaviors as ways of being friendly and expressing Sexual involvement moves through stages with sex- innocent attraction (Abbey, 1982, 1987; Abbey & ual involvement increasing as the partners move Melby, 1986). To complicate matters even further, from a first date, to a casually dating relationship, to research has shown that people flirt for a variety of a more serious, . Delayed- reasons, only one of which is to signal sexual inter- involvement couples wait until the two people con- est. For example, people may flirt because they see sider themselves to be a committed couple to it as innocent fun, they want to make a third party become sexually involved. For these couples, psy- jealous, they want to develop their social skills, or chological intimacy precedes sexual intimacy. they are trying to persuade someone to do some- Low-involvement couples usually wait to have thing for them (Afifi, Guerrero, & Egland, 1994; sex until the partners are engaged or married. Re- Egland, Spitzberg, & Zormeier, 1996; Koeppel, search suggests that most couples in the United Montagne-Miller, O’Hair, & Cody, 1993). Thus, States define themselves as falling under either the when someone is flirting, the person may or may not gradual- (31%) or delayed-involvement (44%) cate- be showing sexual interest. gory, with around 17% identifying themselves as In longer , couples spend considerable low involvement and 7% classifying themselves as time in the sexual arousal and invitations stage, with rapid involvement (Christopher & Cate, 1985; sexual intimacy increasing slowly over time. Partners Sprecher & McKinney, 1993). These findings cor- are more likely to be direct about their intentions, but respond with research showing that most people misunderstandings can still occur. Sometimes one have a relational orientation toward sex. person is ready to have sex before the other, and one partner may view intimate touch as a way to express Sexual Scripts closeness while the other sees it as a prelude to sex. Partners must negotiate if and when sex occurs, often Scripts are social information that is deployed through both verbal and nonverbal communication. If in everyday interaction. Cultural forces define with one or both of the partners does not want to have sex, whom, when, where, and in what relationships sex- they are entering the first four of Scheflen’s stages are ual behavior may appropriately be initiated and con- referred to as quasi-courtship rather than courtship. ducted (Regan & Berscheid, 1999). Sexual scripts Misinterpretation of flirtatious cues is likely, given most often revolve around the initiation and accep- that the first three of four stages often look the same, tance or refusal of sexual advances. The North regardless of whether they are quasi-courtship or true American script casts men as initiators and women courtship stages. as gatekeepers who refuse or accept dates or sexual It is important to note that these courtship invitations, particularly in new relationships (Byers, stages provide only a rough guide for how people 1996, Mongeau et al., 2004). As Hinde (1984) com- signal romantic interest and increase sexual involve- mented, men seek to propagate widely while women ment. Couples are unique and progress at different seek to propagate wisely. Research indicates that speeds. A relatively small number of couples have both men and women are comfortable asking for • 192 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS dates and initiating sexual interaction (Kelley & doing special things for your partner, telling your Rolker-Dolinsky, 1987), although many women partner how much you like her or him, flattering think their sexual initiatives might threaten men. your partner, and sharing time and space with your However, women are more likely to initiate are important ways to enhance emotional interaction in well-developed relationships as closeness and initiate sexual activity. opposed to developing relationships. Another sexual influence tactic is logical reason- Negotiating sexual activity in a developing rela- ing by persuading someone that it is advantageous to tionship can be difficult because both individuals become sexually involved. This strategy uses logic or have multiple goals including managing impres- negotiates the timing or degree of sexual involvement sions, providing relational definitions, satisfying to overcome a partner’s concerns (Christopher & sexual desire, following sexual standards or morals, Frandsen, 1990). For example, if Brittany is afraid of and avoiding disease or pregnancy (Cupach & getting pregnant or contracting an STI, Chris might Metts, 1991). Most sexual initiation attempts are make reassuring statements about the effectiveness of indirect and communicated through nonverbal or suggest that they both get tested for STIs behavior and flirtation (Andersen, 2008). Some- before having sex. These types of tactics are associ- times, however, friendly behaviors—particularly ated with greater sexual activity in a relationship over those by women—are misinterpreted by men as sex- the long-term, although they may limit or postpone initiating behaviors. To avoid sexually coercive sit- sexual involvement in the short term (Christopher & uations (discussed later in this chapter), individuals Frandsen, 1990). need to verbally articulate their disinterest, and their Not surprisingly, men are more likely to use partners need to respect their wishes. pressure and manipulation to gain sexual compli- ance than women (Christopher & Frandsen, 1990). Initiation Strategies These strategies encompass a wide variety of coer- cive tactics, such as repeated requests for sex, Both men and women use persuasive strategies threats to break off or de-escalate the relationship, and scripts to initiate dating and sexual relationships. the use of drugs or alcohol to reduce resistance to These strategies typically fall into five categories: sex, and outright deception. These tactics seldom (1) hinting and indirect strategies, (2) expressions of increase the frequency of sexual activity in a rela- emotional and physical closeness, (3) pressure and tionship (Christopher & Frandsen, 1990) and can manipulation, (4) antisocial acts, and (5) logic and rea- lead to relational dissatisfaction or de-escalation. soning (Christopher & Frandsen, 1990; Edgar & Evidence suggests that antisocial acts are simi- Fitzpatrick, 1988, 1993). larly unsuccessful in initiating sex in a relationship Sexual relations are sensitive and ego threaten- (Christopher & Frandsen, 1990). These strategies ing, so hinting and indirect strategies can be useful. encompass a wide assortment of tactics, including Romantic conversations are full of indirect commu- intentionally trying to make the partner jealous nication such as compliments, sexual innuendo, (Fleischmann, Spitzberg, Andersen, & Roesch, 2005), hints, and nonverbal communication. Such ploys pouting or holding a grudge to try to get one’s way, are safe because if the partner does not respond sex- and . Such acts may lead to rela- ually, little face is lost. As Edgar and Fitzpatrick tional termination and even legal action in some cases. (1988) noted, when one person wants to have sex, the situation can be emotionally charged, and an Refusing and Accepting Sexual Invitations opportunity to save face is welcome. Both men and women are most comfortable with sexual involve- The power to refuse and regulate sex is primar- ment if emotional and physical closeness is present; ily a woman’s prerogative. Throughout the world, this is particularly true for women. Establishing a women are more judicious and less casual in their close relationship and sending reassuring relational choices about sex than men (Buss, 1994). Men are messages results in increased sexual activity poor at turning down sex and have few refusal (Christopher & Frandsen, 1990). For example, strategies in their repertoire; women tend to regard • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 193 men’s refusals as insincere, unexpected, and upset- that stages of sexual involvement are fairly well ting (Metts, Cupach, & Imahori, 1992). This does scripted, starting with kissing, and moving to hand to not imply that women have license to ignore men’s , hand to genitals, oral sex, sexual intercourse, refusals; men should be taken as seriously as women and orgasm in the ideal case (DeLamater & Hyde, when they decline to have sex. 2004; Morris, 1977). This script is generally followed Research suggests that women are well prepared both within a single sexual encounter and across a with sexual-compliance-resisting scripts and use series of dates with only occasional variation. multiple resistance strategies (Lannutti & Monahan, Saying no to sex in a long-term relationship is 2004; Metts et al., 1992). Women often use indirect often difficult because partners do not want to hurt strategies because these are perceived as polite; how- one another’s feelings, but everyone has the right to ever, more direct strategies seem to be more effective refuse sex no matter how close the relationship. It is for refusing unwanted sex. Moreover, most men important for long-term partners to say no in a ten- have experience receiving sexual rejection messages der and supportive manner with clear verbal com- and find them relatively predictable and not particu- munication. Research has shown that most refusals larly disconcerting (Metts et al., 1992). This is useful are done verbally and that the best refusals maintain information for women who use indirect strategies to both the relationship and the partner’s face (Cupach refuse sex when they are worried about hurting the & Metts, 1991). For example, telling your partner partner’s feelings. Direct strategies are more effec- that you are “really tired” or “not feeling well” is tive, and thankfully, they are unlikely to be taken per- better than saying that you are not feeling much sex- sonally by men (Motley & Reeder, 1995). ual desire for her or him at the moment. When In steady dating relationships, both men and refusals are accompanied by assurances of future women accept the majority of sexual initiations by activity (“We’ll have more time for each other this their partner (Byers, 1996). In Byers’s study, only weekend”), they are also accepted more gracefully. about 20% of initiations were refused by the partner with about the same percentage for men and women. SEXUAL COERCION AND HARASSMENT These data suggest that sex in steady dating relation- ships is not adversarial and that, contrary to the stereotype, in developed relationships, women are Most people associate sex with pleasure, intimacy, more likely to be facilitators of sexual interaction relational closeness, and desire. However, sex has than gatekeepers. In investigating sexual activity its dark side as well. Negative aspects of sex include among heterosexual daters over a one-month period, , sexual , , sexual coer- Byers and Lewis (1988) found that nearly half of the cion, and sexual harassment. In this section, we couples reported disagreements caused by the man’s focus on coercion and harassment because commu- desire to increase sexual involvement. However, dis- nication is at the heart of these types of problematic agreements occurred during just 7% of all dates. interaction. Thus, although disagreements about sex did occur occasionally over the course of a month, most dates Sexual Coercion were free of such disagreements. When sex is refused from a long-term dating partner, the refusal is both Sexual coercion occurs when an individual unexpected and viewed negatively (Bevan, 2003). pressures, compels, or forces another to engage in Once sexual activity becomes fairly regular, sexual activity, or practices considered unacceptable shared dyadic scripts emerge to guide sexual interac- by most people, with verbal pressure the least unac- tion. In well-developed relationships, women feel ceptable and physical force the most unacceptable freer to initiate touch, affection, and sexual behavior (Struckman-Johnson & Struckman-Johnson, 1991). (Cupach & Metts, 1993; Guerrero & Andersen, Verbal insistence is the most common method of 1991). Brown and Auerbach (1981) found that coercion (Murnan, Perot, & Byrne, 1989). In gen- increased their initiation of sexual activity by about eral, women find sexual coercion to be less accept- 1% per year of marriage. Several studies have shown able than do men (Christopher, Owens, & Strecker, • 194 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

1993; Struckman-Johnson & Struckman-Johnson, & Cook; 1988; Murnan et al., 1989). Women report 1991). Additionally, coercive strategies are gener- experiencing sexual coercion on only about 7% of ally unsuccessful in gaining sexual compliance all dates (Byers & Lewis, 1988). In yet another (Christopher & Frandsen, 1990). study, 50% of college women reported that they had Sexual coercion is far too common. Research engaged in at least one unwanted sexual activity has shown that in the majority of sexually coercive (ranging from to sexual intercourse) over a situations, a man is the perpetrator and a woman is two-week period, with 20% of the women engaging the victim. For example, over 50% of college in unwanted sexual intercourse (O’Sullivan & women report having been the victim of some form Allgeier, 1998). Sometimes women have unwanted of sexual coercion (Byers, 1996), and over 95% of sex to please their partners; other times they are all women report having engaged in some form of pressured or forced to have sex. Worst of all, almost unwanted sexual activity (Muehlenhard & Cook, two-thirds of sexual assaults occur with regular rela- 1988). Others studies have shown that 22% of col- tional partners (Christopher & Kissler, 2004). lege women report having been forced to engage in The most common reactions of women to sex- sexual intercourse, and 35% to 46% of women ual coercion are no response or a strong negative report having unwanted sex as a result of sexual per- response. In most situations in which men pursue suasion or coercion, typically from a partner the sex and women refuse, men halt their sexual woman knew fairly well (Byers, 1996; Muehlenhard advances (Byers, 1996). About 15% of the time, SOURCE: ©iStockphoto.com/Stockphoto4u.

You should never assume that someone is using token resistance. “No” means no, and “stop” means stop. • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 195 however, the man does not believe the woman’s rejected. They project these feelings onto men who refusal really means no (Byers & Wilson, 1985). In do not share their hurt and anger over being sexually these cases, the man perceives that the woman’s say- rejected. Many men, on the other hand, have con- ing no is only token resistance (Muehlenhard & siderable experience with sexual rejection and have Cook, 1988). Clearly, men should not try to second- learned coping strategies to deal with rejection short guess a woman’s motivation for saying no. As of relational de-escalation or . Andersen (2008) stated, when people misinterpret In about 10% of sexually coercive situations, nonverbal cues or ignore explicit verbal cues in the woman is the aggressor and the man is the tar- favor of nonverbal cues that erroneously appear pos- get. Among college students, about one-third of all itive, sexual harassment or date rape can follow. men reported an episode of pressured or forced sex Therefore, “stop” always means stop and “no” since the age of 16 (Byers, 1996; Struckman- always means no. Johnson & Struckman-Johnson, 1994), and in the When token resistance is used, the situation is vast majority of these cases, the perpetrator of coer- unclear, confusing, and dangerous. Both men and cion was a woman. O’Sullivan and Allgeier (1998) women use token resistance, although contrary to reported that during a two-week period, 26% of col- the stereotype, men are more likely to use it than lege men engaged in an unwanted sexual act and women (O’Sullivan & Allgeier, 1994). As noted almost 9% had unwanted sexual intercourse. previously, a sexual initiator should not ignore a Struckman-Johnson (1988) found that 16% of the request to stop. If, however, an initiator has learned men in her sample reported an incident of forced that stop does not really mean stop, “real” requests sexual intercourse. Furthermore, Muehlenhard and to stop may be ignored, leading to problems rang- Cook (1988) studied over 1,000 men and women in ing from relational disagreements to . introductory college courses and found Thus, it is best to stop and ask for clarification if that more men (62.7%) than women (46.3%) you think your partner might be engaging in token reported having unwanted sexual intercourse. resistance. Unless your partner explicitly changes Although men generally have less negative reac- the no into a yes, you should avoid further sexual tions to being the target of coerced sexual encoun- activity. Similarly, research has shown that men ters than women, one-fifth of the men in a study by often do not perceive indirect resistance messages Struckman-Johnson and Struckman-Johnson (1994) on the part of women as real resistance (Motley & had a strong negative reaction to the experience. Reeder, 1995). Indeed, Motley and Reeder sug- Overall, studies have shown that women are not gested that women need to be much more direct in very sensitive to male refusals to have sex. communicating sexual resistance and that men O’Sullivan and Byers (1993) found that, when met should listen more carefully to understand women’s with a refusal to have sex, 97% of women still tried resistance messages. to influence the man to have sex. Women are not Women sometimes fail to send sexual resis- used to being refused, and they find such refusals tance messages because they fear the relational con- unpredictable, constraining, and uncomfortable sequences of turning down their partner (Motley & (Metts et al., 1992). In addition, most women have a Reeder, 1995). The reality is, men rarely disrupt or lot of practice saying no and thus develop good terminate a relationship because a woman resists scripts to resist sexual persuasion and coercion. sexual escalation. In fact, Motley and Reeder (1995) Men, by contrast, may have neither experience in found that men rarely are hurt, offended, or angered nor well-developed scripts for saying no and believe when women use direct sexual resistance messages, it is unmanly to refuse sex (Metts et al., 1992). They although women erroneously think that men will be are also apt to engage in unwanted intercourse due offended and de-escalate the relationship if they to peer pressure, inexperience, sex-role concerns, resist. Because women seldom are turned down in and popularity factors (Muehlenhard & Cook, their attempts to sexually escalate a relationship, 1988). Of course, both men and women often expe- they are more likely to be hurt and upset if they are rience ambivalence about having sex, so some of • 196 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS these cases of unwanted sex probably represent sit- professors was seen as more harassing than inappro- uations in which mixed feelings were present. priate verbal comments. Less sexually oriented forms of touch, such as on the shoulder or around Sexual Harassment the waist, are not perceived to be as harassing as ver- bal comments. Doughtery and colleagues (1996) Sexual harassment occurs when inappropriate compared people’s interpretations of potentially sexual comments, behaviors, or requests create a harassing situations involving touch behavior hostile work or school environment or when a per- (putting an arm around a female coworker’s shoul- son feels pressure to have sex to avoid negative der) and verbal behavior (asking a female coworker consequences. Harassment is too common in the how her love life was and if she’d had any exciting workplace, among some friends and acquaintances dates lately). They found that the verbal comment (Fairhurst, 1986; Keyton, 1996). Although men was perceived as more harassing than the touch. sometimes experience sexual harassment, research More specifically, Lee and Guerrero (2001) shows that women experience it far more. In fact, compared types of touch to determine which were studies suggest that one out of every two working perceived as most harassing. They excluded bla- women is sexually harassed at some time (Swan, tantly harassing touches, such as grabbing or 1997). A study by Hesson-McInnis and Fitzgerald buttocks or kissing someone on the mouth, and (1997) of 4,385 women employed by the federal instead focused on more ambiguous forms of touch. government found 1,792 reported they were sexu- Of the eight types of touch they studied, touching ally harassed at least once in the past two years. This the face was perceived as most harassing, followed problem may be even worse for minority women, as by an arm around the waist. Lee and Guerrero sub- Hargrow (1997) found that over 80% of the working sequently theorized that types of touch that invade African American women she surveyed reported people’s personal space are particularly threatening. experiencing some form of sexual harassment. As The face is an especially vulnerable part of the body, the research indicates, sexual harassment is a serious and letting someone touch it requires trust. problem; it in turn negatively affects job satisfac- Interestingly, not everyone saw these types of touch tion, health, and psychological well-being (Glomb as harassing. In fact, while about one-third of the et al., 1997). participants “agreed strongly” that face touch was Describing the behaviors that constitute sexual sexually harassing, another one-third “disagreed harassment is complicated. What some people see as strongly.” This suggests that some forms of touch harassment, others might see as sexy or innocent are seen as harassing by some people but not others, fun. Moreover, women sometimes perceive behav- which leads to confusion and misunderstanding. iors to be more sexually harassing than do men, When people encounter sexual harassment, especially if they have recently entered the work- they can respond using passive, assertive, or retal- force (Booth-Butterfield, 1989). In any case, iatory strategies. Passive responses, also referred research suggests that certain verbal and nonverbal to as indirect strategies, involve ignoring the behavior should be avoided. Dougherty, Turban, harassment or appeasing the harasser. Assertive Olson, Dwyer, and Lapreze (1996) noted that some responses involve telling the harasser to stop the behaviors, such as making lewd comments or grab- behavior, with statements such as “Please stop bing someone’s breasts or buttocks, are blatantly bothering me,” “I’m not interested in you that harassing. Gutek, Morasch, and Cohen (1983) found way,” “I’m seeing someone else so I’d appreciate it that touch behavior (operationalized as a pat on the if you’d stop asking me out,” and “Your behavior bottom) and verbal comments about another per- is inappropriate and unprofessional.” Assertive son’s body were perceived as harassing, although responses also involve issuing warnings, such as touch was perceived even more negatively than ver- threatening to talk to the harasser’s supervisor. bal comments. Similarly, Marks and Nelson (1993) Finally, retaliatory responses involve punishing found that potentially inappropriate touching by or getting revenge on the harasser, usually by • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 197 harassing the person back, making derogatory failed, 27% would have received a D, and less than comments about the harasser to others, or getting 1% would have received an A. As this study sug- the harasser in trouble. gests, most people think they know more about sex Unfortunately, there is not always an effective than they actually do. way of responding to sexual harassment. Swan To be a good partner in a romantic sexual rela- (1997) found that people who viewed sexual harass- tionship, it is beneficial to understand sex and sex- ment experiences as highly upsetting were most ual interaction. A detailed description of the many likely to use coping strategies. When people used aspects of is beyond the scope of assertive strategies, they reported feeling better this book, yet a college course in human sexuality about their jobs and themselves. By contrast, when can supplement what is presented in this chapter. people used passive or retaliatory strategies, they Here, we will merely try to correct a few common reported feeling even worse. Retaliatory responses misconceptions about the connections between sex- diminished job satisfaction, and passive responses ual interaction and sexual satisfaction. diminished job satisfaction and psychological well- One misconception is that sexual intercourse is being. However, some studies also have shown that necessary for sexual satisfaction. While having an assertive strategies can exacerbate the problem orgasm is related to sexual satisfaction (Sprecher & (Schneider, Swan, & Fitzgerald, 1997). Bingham Cate, 2004), orgasm can occur through many forms and Burleson (1989) found that, although sophisti- of sexual interaction without sexual intercourse. cated verbal messages were more effective at stop- Indeed, safe sex practices include a form of sexual ping sexual harassment than unsophisticated ones, interaction called outercourse that involves less inti- neither type of message was effective. Because sex- mate contact and no exchange of bodily fluids. ual harassment often involves a power imbalance, it Furthermore, for some people, sexual intercourse is a particularly difficult situation. If the victim uses alone does not provide satisfaction. Shows of affec- passive strategies, the individual remains powerless, tion such as holding hands, cuddling, and kissing are and the harassment is likely to continue. But if the as important as, and in some cases even more impor- victim uses direct strategies, the powerful person tant than, sexual intercourse for some people. might resent being told how to act and retaliate by A second misconception is that in an intimate demoting the victim or making the work environ- heterosexual relationship, women should not initiate ment even more unpleasant. Even so, research sug- sexual interaction because it may undermine the tra- gests that assertive strategies are most effective. If ditional male role and men will see them as too easy these strategies do not work, the victim may need to or unfeminine. The reality is that the vast majority talk with the harasser’s supervisor. of men, particularly those under age 40, think it is not only acceptable for women to initiate sex but desirable (Reinisch & Beasley, 1990). Nonetheless, SEXUAL SATISFACTION: as the misconception suggests, about half of all MISCONCEPTIONS AND REALITIES wives rarely or never initiate sexual interaction (Reinisch & Beasley, 1990). When women do initi- People in the United States consider themselves sex- ate sex, they do it more subtly than men, so men ually knowledgeable and skilled, but research paints need to tune in and respond to these understated a different picture. Instead, what people learn about cues. Of course, men should not assume that every sex is often haphazard, unreliable, stereotypic, and indirect cue is a signal that the woman wants to have incomplete (Strong, DeVault, & Sayad, 1999). The sex. Once partners learn each other’s signals for sex- Kinsey Institute tested the basic sexual knowledge ual initiation, they can be nonverbal and implicit. If of a representative sample of nearly 2,000 adults liv- a woman (or a man) is not comfortable asking for ing in the United States (Reinisch & Beasley, 1990). sex, special signals can be used such as lighting a Unfortunately the participants failed miserably. candle, drinking wine, and playing romantic music Applying a standard grading scale, 55% would have in the bedroom (Reinisch & Beasley, 1990). • 198 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

However, research suggests that men prefer clear, reflects. Although some women may not want to have instrumental disclosure about sex because it leads to sex as often as men, when they do have high-quality greater sexual understanding and, in turn, to more sex, they report finding it extremely pleasurable. sexual satisfaction (MacNeil & Byers, 2005, 2009). A sixth misconception is that the most impor- A third misconception is that heterosexual cou- tant predictor of sexual satisfaction is how often a ples are more satisfied with sexual interaction than couple has sex. Nearly 90% of married individuals are gay or lesbian couples. In reality, although the sex report that they are sexually satisfied, with couples lives of heterosexuals, gay men, and lesbians are dif- varying considerably in how often they have sex; ferent in some respects, all couple types generally indeed, most studies show little or no relationship report having satisfying sex lives. Even teens report between amount of sex and satisfaction (Blumstein high levels of satisfaction with their first and most & Schwartz, 1983; Lauman et al., 1994; Sprecher & recent sexual encounter and report less stress, less Cate, 2004). Frequency of sex thus is not as impor- anger, and more well-being following sexual encoun- tant as the quality of the sex and the match between ters (Shrier, Shin, Hacker, & de Moor, 2007; Wright, two people’s needs during sexual activity (Sprecher Parkes, Strange, Allen, & Bonell, 2008). Some stud- & Regan, 2000). When partners have similar atti- ies have shown that gay and lesbian partners rate the tudes about sex, they are happier with their sex subjective quality of their sexual experiences higher lives. Therefore, if they believe that cuddling is than do heterosexual couples, perhaps because they more important than sex, they might have sex less better understand each other’s sexual needs (Crooks often than a couple who believes that sex is the ulti- & Baur, 1999; Masters & Johnson, 1979; Peplau mate expression of intimacy; yet both couples et al., 2004). In these studies, subjective quality was would be satisfied. Some support for this line of rea- defined in terms of more psychological involvement, soning also comes from studies comparing hetero- total body contact, enjoyment of sexual activities, and sexual couples to gay and lesbian couples. On responsiveness to the sexual needs of the partner. average, gay men place a higher value on sex than A fourth misconception is that the sight of do heterosexuals, and heterosexuals place a higher nudity and touch equally arouse men and women. value on sex than do lesbians. These values are The reality is that, while each is potentially arousing reflected in behavior. Rosenzweig and Lebow to members of both sexes, men are visually aroused (1992) found that almost half of gay men reported more than are women. Seeing one’s partner in having sexual relations at least three times a week, skimpy clothing is more of a turn-on for most men while only about one-third of heterosexual couples than for women. Conversely, women are much more reported having sex that often. Among lesbian cou- aroused by touch than are men, particularly nongen- ples, only about one-fifth reported having sex three ital touch. Thus, cuddling and are impor- times a week or more. According to other studies, tant precursors to sexual intercourse for women. In lesbians spend more time cuddling than do hetero- sexual areas of the body, both men and women are sexuals or gay men (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). highly arousable. Heterosexual couples, in particu- Yet, as discussed previously, relational partners in lar, need to learn that what arouses each partner per- heterosexual, gay, and lesbian relationships report sonally might not be as arousing for the other roughly equal levels of overall sexual satisfaction. partner and adapt accordingly. A seventh misconception is that sexual satisfac- A fifth misconception is that men enjoy sexual tion is the only key to relational satisfaction. It is true intercourse more than women. The reality is that het- that people who report being happy with their sex erosexual men and women both enjoy intercourse. lives are also likely to report being happy with their Contrary to the stereotype, research suggests that relationships. Although sexual satisfaction and rela- women may actually enjoy intercourse more than men tionship satisfaction are highly associated (Henderson, (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). In close, committed Lehavot, & Simoni, 2009), sexual satisfaction is not relationships, most women enjoy sexual intercourse the best predictor of relational satisfaction in most because of the extreme intimacy and closeness it relationships. As Sprecher and Regan (2000) put it, • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 199

“Neither the quality nor the quantity of sex might be Frank, Anderson, and Rubinstein (1979) found that as important as other nonsexual forms of intimacy in about one-half of and three-fourths of the prediction of relationship satisfaction including wives they studied reported having some sexual dif- expressed affection and supportive communication” ficulty in their marriages, and that these difficulties (p. 223). These authors note that sexual dissatisfaction were increased by poor communication skills. and incompatibility alone are usually not enough to Taking this further, Cupach and Comstock (1990) destroy an otherwise close, caring relationship. Only examined the associations among sexual communi- when these sexual problems are “symptomatic of cation, sexual satisfaction, and overall relational other relational problems” are they likely to lead to satisfaction. They found that good communication conflict and relational termination. The message here about sex leads to greater sexual satisfaction, which is clear: Sexual satisfaction is an important part of in turn contributes to more relational satisfaction. romantic relationships, but other factors, such as love, An earlier study showed that couples are most sat- supportiveness, and compatibility, are usually even isfied with their communication about sex when more important. they are in highly developed, committed relation- In addition to being knowledgeable about sex, ships. By contrast, couples who are in the early it is important for partners to communicate about stages of relationship development, or who are in sex. Some relational partners think sex is a taboo the process of disengaging from the relationship, topic and so do not talk about their sexual desires report being less satisfied with their communication and preferences (Baxter & Wilmot, 1985). Yet stud- about sex (Wheeless, Wheeless, & Baus, 1984). If ies suggest that communication about sex is you are currently in a sexual relationship, you can extremely important. Research shows that sexual access your level of sexual communication satisfac- self-disclosure is associated with a satisfying and tion by taking the test in Box 8.2. Along with this, rewarding relationship (MacNeil & Byers, 2009). communication about safe sex is also critical.

BOX 8.2 Put Yourself to the Test

Sexual Communication Satisfaction

Think about a current sexual relationship and rate your communication about sex using the following scale: 1 = strongly disagree, 7 = strongly agree.

Disagree Agree 1. I tell my partner when I am especially sexually satisfied. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 2. I am satisfied with my partner’s ability to communicate 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 her or his sexual desires to me. 3. I let my partner know things that I find pleasing 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 during sex. 4. I do not hesitate to let my partner know when I want to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 have sex with him or her.

(Continued) • 200 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

(Continued)

Disagree Agree 5. I tell my partner whether or not I am sexually satisfied. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 6. I am satisfied with the degree to which my partner and 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 I talk about the sexual aspects of our relationship. 7. I am not afraid to show my partner what kind of sexual 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 behavior I like. 8. I would not hesitate to show my partner what is a sexual 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 turn-on for me. 9. My partner shows me what pleases her or him during sex. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10. My partner tells me when he or she is sexually satisfied. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 11. I am pleased with the manner in which my partner and 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 I communicate with each other about sex. 12. It is never hard for me to figure out if my partner is 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 sexually satisfied.

Add up your answers. A score of 84 indicates maximum sexual communication satisfaction. A score of 12 indicates the lowest level of sexual communication satisfaction possible. Since research shows that sexual communication satisfaction increases as relationships develop, you might want to take this test later in the relationship to see if your score changes.

SOURCE: “The Sexual Communication Satisfaction Scale,” From Wheeless, Lawrence R., Wheeless, Virginia Eman, and Baus, Raymond (1984). Sexual communication, communication satisfaction, and solidarity in the development stages of intimate relationships, in Western Journal of Speech Communication. 48 (3, Summer), 217-230. Used with permission of the Western States Communication Association.

COMMUNICATION AND SAFE SEX (Noar, Zimmerman, & Atwood, 2004). Worse yet, information and communication about STIs are far The safest form of sex in relationships is no sex. less common than they should be, although many Abstinence is the best way to avoid unwanted preg- publications give excellent advice for safe sex and nancy, AIDS, and other STIs. But total abstinence AIDS prevention (Centers for Disease Control, 1997; from sex is unusual, unrealistic, and precludes hav- Larkin, 1998; Rathus et al., 1993; Student Health ing romantic relationships or offspring. Thus, addi- Services, 1998). STIs are epidemic in the United tional safe sex practices are imperative. Unfortunately, States; 65 million Americans have an incurable STI being in a close relationship inadvertently puts part- such as genital herpes or HIV (Noar et al., 2004). (For ners at risk since trust is higher and, as a result, safe more information about HIV/AIDS, contact your sex is practiced less in the closest relationships campus health service or county health department.) • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 201

Communication is an essential ingredient in pro- destroy a romantic moment, not liking the feel of con- moting safe sex. Unsafe sex can occur with any partner, doms, and believing a partner is “safe” are all factors that even one you know well. It is therefore always best to be influence decision making regarding whether to use con- proactive about safe sex with every partner. This doms (Afifi, 1999; Galligan & Terry,1993). Galligan and requires communicating with partners about past sexual Terry (1993) found that knowledge of the risk reduction experiences and talking about safe sex practices, such as effects of use was a major motivator for people those discussed in the following section. Unfortunately, to use them. However, women were less likely to want to many people are complacent when they have sex with use a condom when they feared it would destroy the someone they know well (Hammer, Fisher, Fitzgerald, romance of the moment. Afifi (1999) reported that when & Fisher, 1996; Noar attachment to a partner is high and partners worry that et al., 2004; Rosenthal, Gifford, & Moore, 1998). They suggesting condom use will be perceived as reflecting a believe that being well acquainted with someone means lack of trust, the probability of condom use is decreased. that they are free of STIs. Recent research suggests that Of course, suggesting condom use may not always be 99% of one college sample were confident in their perceived negatively by one’s partner; rather, it may be assessment that their partner did not have an STI, despite seen as a sign of caring and of responsibility. research showing that over one-third of college students These findings underscore the importance of com- have an STI (Afifi & Weiner, 2006). Brittany, in our munication; partners should have a frank discussion chapter opener, made an intelligent decision; before she about safe sex before becoming sexually involved. got sexually involved with Chris, she insisted they both Interestingly, almost any communication strategy get tested for STIs. They waited to have sex until they increases the likelihood of condom use, but discussing were both found free of sexually transmitted infections. pregnancy prevention or suggesting condom use “just Many sexually active people believe that they can to be safe” are the most effective strategies, probably tell if a partner is lying to them about safe sex behav- because talking about AIDS can make people uncom- iors. In actuality, research has shown that people can- fortable (Reel & Thompson, 1994). Unfortunately, not tell when someone is lying about sexual behavior research has shown that general discussions about or HIV status (Swann, Silvera, & Proske, 1995). AIDS do not promote safe sex. By contrast, discussing Particularly dangerous is the truth bias, whereby indi- the specific sexual history of the partners, negotiating viduals tend to assume that people they like are telling monogamy, and requesting that the partner use a con- them the truth (see Chapter 13). Trust is important in dom can promote safe sex (Cline, Freeman, & relationships, but is it worth your life to trust someone Johnson, 1990). Cline and colleagues (1990), however, who could be wrong about her or his HIV status? found that those who discuss safe sex are only a little Another danger is people’s lack of condom use, more likely to engage in safe sex practices than are even though they know that condoms help prevent those who do not. Therefore, it is crucial that partners STIs. Using condoms consistently, meaning every do more than talk about safe sex practices; they must time you have sexual intercourse, is the only effective also take appropriate action to protect themselves. way to prevent STIs during intercourse (Noar et al., While the following list is likely familiar, here are the 2004). Studies show that only about one-third of cou- rules to follow to avoid AIDS and other STIs: ples use any form of contraception during intercourse (Willetts et al., 2004). Many couples decline to use 1. Practice abstinence. Although complete absti- condoms because they limit spontaneity and reduce nence is unlikely for most adults, about 12% of sensation (Hammer et al., 1996). Yet about one-third the college-age population are virgins who have of the males in Hammer and colleagues’ study had no high-risk sexual activity (Sprecher & reported that sharing the act of putting on a condom Regan, 1996). Abstinence is the most effective can actually bring the couple closer and is arousing. policy when it comes to preventing STIs. Even though logic suggests that people should use 2. Avoid high-risk sex. HIV and other STIs are condoms to prevent STIs, in real relationships, factors transmitted through the exchange of bodily flu- other than logic influence condom use. Managing iden- ids. Intercourse is particularly dangerous. A sin- tity, not wanting to seem promiscuous, not wanting to gle episode of unsafe sex with an HIV-positive • 202 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

person puts you at risk for contracting the virus. person with whom to have a sexual relationship, Multiple unsafe sex episodes put you at even but this can be misleading. There is great risk greater risk (Hammer et al., 1996). with having sex with a new acquaintance, with someone whose sexual history you do not know, 3. Use condoms. During sexual intercourse, a new or with a long-term partner whom you do not latex condom offers good protection from the trust. Research has also shown that people make transmission of HIV. Old condoms and “off flawed judgments about who is a safe partner. brand” condoms offer poor protection because Many people erroneously believe that having sex they may break or leak. Condoms made from ani- with healthy looking, physically attractive peo- mal membranes (skins) are porous and offer less ple, friends, or people similar to themselves is protection against HIV transmission. Although safe (Noar et al., 2004)—sometimes it is not. condoms do not offer complete protection, recent Research has also shown that many people find it studies have shown that when condoms are used difficult to bring up the topic of safe sex and con- properly, they are highly successful in preventing dom use during a sexual encounter with a new HIV/AIDS even with an infected partner (Centers acquaintance (Rosenthal et al., 1998). Again, peo- for Disease Control, 1997; Noar et al., 2004). ple who fail to communicate about safe sex are 4. Get tested. If you are uncertain whether you have literally risking their lives. been exposed to HIV, get tested. Only about 1% of 7. Avoid intoxication. Research has shown that those who are tested show the presence of HIV, so binge drinkers engage in more sexual activity the test is likely to relieve you of concern that you with a wider variety of partners (Mongeau & have the virus. If you are HIV positive, you need to Johnson, 1995) than do heavy drug users, yet get treated immediately. With the proper treatment, drug use also increases risk of STIs. Studies also many people who are HIV positive live many symp- have shown that people are most likely to lapse in tom-free years and even decades. Your campus their safe sex practices when they are under the health center or county department of health typi- influence of alcohol and other drugs. Binging on cally does HIV tests that are either anonymous or alcohol is a major predictor of catching STIs confidential. You can also use an HIV home test kit. (Lindley, Barnett, Brandt, Hardin, & Burcin, 5. Limit your partners. Another good preventive tech- 2008). More than one-third of the participants in nique is to limit yourself to a single partner who was one study said that they had failed to use condoms previously a virgin, has been strictly monogamous, or on one or more occasions due to the use of drugs has been tested for HIV since her or his last sexual or alcohol (Hammer et al., 1996). encounter like Brittany and Chris did. Remember, 8. Be honest. It is essential to report any unsafe sex when you have sex with your partner, you are expos- outside your relationship to your partner so that ing yourself to risk from every person who has had sex appropriate steps can be taken. Of course, telling with your partner in the past. Having sex only in the your partner about past sexual experiences or context of a monogamous infection-free sexual rela- recent can be uncomfortable and harm tionship provides you with protection and may be the your relationship. However, in the long run, it is healthiest form of sexual activity (Noar et al., 2006). far better to warn your partner of possible dangers 6. Know your partners. A partner whom you know, than to save yourself from potential discomfort or respect, and completely trust is the safest kind of conflict.

SUMMARY AND APPLICATION

Sex is a vital part of most romantic relationships. it is important to remember that other factors, Partners who have similar sexual attitudes and such as affection, love, and compatibility, are high-quality sexual interaction are likely to be more important. Similarly, partners who are satisfied with their sex lives. Sexual satisfaction knowledgeable about sex are generally happier is associated with relational satisfaction, although with their sex lives. • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 203

The research discussed in this chapter can help backfire or result in less relational satisfaction, so people like Taylor, Sarah, and Brittany in at least they should be avoided. Research also suggests that two ways. First, research on sexual attitudes can Sarah’s boyfriend will accept her decision. help them better understand their sexual selves. Because she refuses to have sex, Sarah is in the Second, research on sexual communication can help position of being the sexual gatekeeper in her rela- them improve how they talk about sex with their tionship with her boyfriend. Even in relationships partners. In terms of sexual attitudes, Taylor has that turn sexual, women tend to be in the gate-keeping accepted and embraced her homosexuality. Sex is position at the beginning of the relationship, with important in lesbian relationships, but nonverbal men cast in the role of sexual initiator. Socially affection may be even more important to Taylor and accepted scripts for sexual communication are typi- Leslie. When Taylor hears homophobic comments cally followed in the early stages of relationships. and sees strange looks on the faces of her sorority However, as the relationship develops, women usu- sisters when she mentions Leslie, she has every right ally feel freer to initiate sex. Unique, individual sex- to be upset. But Taylor might be consoled by recog- ual scripts replace socially normative scripts in nizing that people have different attitudes and pref- developed relationships. erences regarding sex whether they are homosexual Finally, communication plays an important role or heterosexual. For instance, Sarah sometimes in promoting sexual satisfaction. Couples who tell struggles with derogatory comments that people each other their sexual preferences and communi- direct at her because she is a virgin. cate their needs, desires, and aversions are much For her part, Sarah should be comforted by the more likely to be happier with their sex life. Com- fact that about 12% of college students (and 13% of munication is also critical for promoting safe sex women college students) are virgins, and that people and avoiding STIs or an unplanned pregnancy, as who remain virgins because of strong moral beliefs Brittany’s communication with her boyfriend exem- and values are usually happy and proud of their vir- plifies. Although Brittany does not talk about her ginity. Indeed, if Sarah gave up her virginity for the sex life with her parents, she learned how to be sex- sake of pleasing her boyfriend or conforming to ually responsible from them. Parents should talk to social norms, she might very well regret her decision. their children about sex in a supportive, nondefen- Research suggests that Sarah should refuse sexual sive manner rather than issuing warnings. Partners advances in a direct manner, using clear verbal com- like Brittany and Chris should also talk to each other munication. Her boyfriend might use a wide variety openly and honestly about their past sexual experi- of strategies to try to convince her to have sex, includ- ences and the need to practice safe sex. However, it ing pressure, manipulation, or antisocial behaviors, is important to remember that safe sex talk is not but research suggests that these strategies are likely to enough; safe sex behaviors save lives.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. In this chapter, we presented data suggesting that most couples wait until some or commitment has developed before engaging in sex. We also reported a study indicating that around 10% to 15% of college students are virgins. Based on the conversations you have had with friends, do you think these numbers hold true for your school? Why might these estimates differ depending on the group of people responding? 2. Based on what you learned in this chapter, what strategies would you use to protect yourself from sex- ual coercion or harassment? Why do you think people misinterpret supposed sexual cues so often? 3. Why do you think people practice unsafe sex even though they know the risks involved? What communication strategies might partners use to ensure that they engage in safe sex? • 204 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

STUDENT STUDY SITE

Visit the study site at www.sagepub.com/guerrero3e for e-flashcards, survey and assessments from the chapter, and SAGE journal articles.