8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter Although Brittany, Sarah, and Taylor are sisters in the same sorority, their sex lives could not be more different. Brittany has been seeing the same man for four years and has an active sex life. She believes her boyfriend, Chris, is completely faithful but she insisted they both get tested to be sure they do not have STIs. She is on the pill and tries to be as responsible about sex as possible, yet she has never discussed her active sex life with her parents. Although she loves Chris, she is not completely sure he is the “one” for her. Sarah is deeply religious and has cho- sen to remain a virgin until after marriage. Sometimes she feels strange because most of the girls in the house are not virgins. She enjoys sexual activity with her boyfriend but always makes sure that they stop well short of sexual intercourse. Occasionally, her sisters are a bit unkind and call Sarah frigid or prudish, which makes Sarah feel that her values are out of the mainstream. Taylor dated men in the past but recently admitted to herself and the world that she has always been more attracted to women. She announced to her sisters that she is a lesbian and is in a committed, monogamous relationship with her partner, Leslie. Most of the women in the house accepted her fully; however, she has heard a few homophobic comments and caught some of her sisters exchanging strange glances when she mentions Leslie. ex is one of the most rewarding and difficult platonic, some of our closest encounters are sexual, issues people face. In this chapter, we focus on including romances and marriages. Most of the Ssexual behavior and its importance in human research has focused on sexual relationships between relationships. Additionally, we examine communica- men and women; therefore, despite our best efforts to tion related to the development of sexual attitudes and include information about relationships between gay beliefs, initiation and refusal of sexual activity, coer- men and lesbians, there is a heterosexual bias evident cion and harassment, and safe sex in short- and long- in the research in general as well as this chapter. term relationships for both heterosexuals and Additionally, most studies focus on the attitudes and homosexuals. Although many close relationships are behaviors of couples in the United States; in other 179 • 180 CLOSE ENCOUNTERS countries, sexual attitudes and behaviors may be and interpersonally responsive (Buunk et al., 2002; quite different. Finally, the physiology of sex and Regan, 1998b). Women are much less likely than sexual desire is beyond the scope of this chapter, men to compromise on these standards. although excellent books on these topics are available There is likely a biological basis for seeking (see Rathus, Nevid, & Fishner-Rathus, 1993; Regan short-term sexual encounters. For our ancestors, & Berscheid, 1999). reproducing frequently was important because life expectancy was short and mortality, especially SEX IN RELATIONSHIPS infant mortality, was high (Andersen, 2006). One strategy for reproductive success, then, was short- term sexual encounters. Throughout the evolution Research has shown that sexual interaction, including of our species, men could gain a reproductive physical contact such as intimate kissing and touch- advantage by impregnating several women, so a ing, and sexual intercourse, is a vital part of dating common biologically based characteristic of men and marital relationships. Although people experience is to seek frequent mating opportunities with mul- some ambivalence about sex in premarital relation- tiple partners even though this underlying motiva- ships (O’Sullivan & Gaines, 1998), sexual involve- tion is not apparent to men today (Buss & Schmit, ment is typical in most dating relationships. For most 1993; Burt & Trivers, 2006; Willetts, Sprecher, & people sex, attraction, desire, romance, and love are Beck, 2004). Although women can only have a closely intertwined. Differences in sexual interaction limited number of offspring, they could potentially often exist based on the type of relationship, sex and increase their chances of having healthy offspring gender, and sexual orientation. by having children with different biological fathers, and therefore different genes (Tregenza & Sex in Short-Term Wedell, 2002), so short-term sexual encounters and Early Dating Relationships may have a biological basis in women as well. Considerable recent research suggests that women Short-term sex occurs when a couple has sex are more likely to be attracted to and interested in once or more without developing an emotionally having a sexual affair with someone other than intimate relationship. Most short-term sex takes their partner during the fertile phase that occurs the form of hookups or one-night stands. Contrary prior to ovulation (Gangestad, Garver-Apgar, & to the stereotype that only men seek short-term Cousins, 2007). Women also dress better, flirt sexual relationships, research shows that women more, and are more attracted to men other than also engage in short-term mating strategies for their partner during their sexually fertile phase many of the same reasons as men: sexual desire, (Durante, Li, & Haselton, 2008; Haselton & sexual experimentation, physical pleasure, and Gangestad, 2006; Haselton, Mortezaie, Pillsworth, alcohol or drug use. Men are likely to use short- Bleske-Recheck, & Frederick, 2007). Of course, term sex for status and sexual satisfaction, whereas the tendencies that had survival value for our women are more likely to use it as means of trying ancestors do not necessarily have the same value to establish a long-term commitment or to enhance today. Most women today do not want to get preg- their economic status (Greitemeyer, 2005; Regan nant through short-term encounters. In addition, & Dreyer, 1999). For many men, the ideal short- men should not use evolution as an excuse for term mate is physically attractive (Buunk, Dijkstra, being unfaithful. Fetchenhauer, & Kenrick, 2002; Greitemeyer, 2005; Although one-night stands are not uncommon, Van Straaten, Engels, Finkenauer, & Holland, premarital sex typically occurs in dating relationships 2008), but men are willing to compromise on traits between people who share some level of emotional such as intelligence and status. For women, the intimacy. In these relationships people seek to experi- ideal short-term partner is physically attractive, ence sexual attraction, sexual arousal, and relational somewhat older, more experienced, self-confident, closeness (Mongeau, Serewicz, & Therrien, 2004; • Chapter 8 Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter 181 O’Sullivan & Gaines, 1998). Research also suggests one’s partner from getting upset, avoiding conflict, that first sex is a turning point in relationships for bet- or preventing one’s partner from losing interest ter or worse (Metts, 2004). Situational factors, such as (Impett, Peplau, & Gable, 2005). drinking alcohol, can also prompt sexual involvement Although men’s sexual desire peaks in their (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994; 20s and women’s in their 30s, the association Morr & Mongeau, 2004; Sprecher & McKinney, between relational and sexual satisfaction is high 1993), as can special occasions such as going to the throughout life, even for seniors (Barr, Bryan, & senior prom or anniversaries. Kenrick, 2002; Burgess, 2004; Howard, O’Neill, & Research shows that among dating couples, Travers, 2006; Lawrence & Byers, 1995). The sexual satisfaction is an important component of amount of sex declines as couples age, but sexual relational satisfaction for both men and women satisfaction does not (Burgess, 2004; DeLamater & (Byers, Demmons, & Lawrence, 1998), although Hyde, 2004, Howard et al., 2006; Willetts et al., many other factors contribute to relational satisfac- 2004). Research shows that as women age into tion, such as commitment, love, and compatibility. midlife and the senior years, feeling attractive is If the relationship is satisfying and if neither partner associated with sexual desire, enjoyment, frequency feels coerced or obligated to have sex, their first of sexual activity, and ability to reach orgasm experience of sexual intercourse usually has a posi- (Koch, Mansfield, Thurau, & Carey, 2005). In long- tive effect on the relationship (Cate, Long, Angera, term relationships, both men and women find a & Draper, 1993). This is not to say that sex always variety of sexual activities important to sexual sat- makes a relationship better, but high-quality sex can isfaction (Lawrence & Byers, 1995). contribute to a good relationship. Both men and women view sexual desire and satisfaction as vital to achieving true romantic love Sex in Marriage and (Regan, 1998a; Regan & Berscheid, 1999; Sprecher Other Long-Term Relationships & Cate, 2004; Sternberg, 1987). Studies show that people with high levels of sexual desire in their rela- In long-term love relationships, physical tionships report higher levels of excitement, connec- contact—including touching, kissing, and sexual tion, and love (Christopher & Kissler, 2004; intercourse—is essential (Christopher & Kissler, Hendrick & Hendrick, 2002; Sprecher & Regan, 2004; Regan & Berscheid, 1999). It is in long-term 1996). Indeed, when students in the United States romantic relationships, not in hookups or dating were asked to list the persons they sexually desired relationships, where most sexual activity takes place and the persons with whom they were