UNPROTECTED
Written by
Kevin M. Horton
First Draft 4/5/14 Second Draft 10/11/15 - In Progress
515 E Elmwood Ave Suite #201 Burbank, CA 91501 (818) 284-8377 [email protected] WGAW 1712034 FADE IN:
EXT. MORNING VIEW HIGH SCHOOL - ESTABLISHING - DAY
School buses swarm in and out of the circle drive dropping off students.
I/E MINI VAN - DAY
STEVEN DORKOPF (18, clean-cut) struggles to free himself from the tight embrace of his over-protective mother, LYNN DORKOPF (40s, hot, think Courtney Cox).
LYNN I just wish you could stay my baby boy forever.
Lynn’s van is blocking traffic. A BUS pulls up close behind, kissing her “Honk if you love Jesus!” bumper sticker.
HOOOOONK! The BUS DRIVER lays on the HORN.
BUS DRIVER Lady, get the hell outta the way!
Steven frees himself from her death grip, GASPING.
LYNN This is all your father’s fault. If he hadn’t abandoned us, I wouldn’t have to go back to work, and we could finish your schooling in the safety of our own home!
STEVEN Dad didn’t abandon us, Mom, he died. Besides, it’s just public school... what’s the worst that can happen?
LYNN Just public school? It’s a den of liberal thieves stealing our tax dollars to brainwash children into perverts and democrats. The mistakes you make here can haunt you for the rest of your life!
STEVEN Graduation’s only a month away, Mom. But I promise, I won’t let this place change me! 2.
With one last squeeze, she lets him go.
Steven gets out and waves to his teary-eyed mother.
LYNN (to herself) Dear God, please protect him...
WHAM! A school bus slams into Steven. He pops right back up, unscathed.
STEVEN I'm alright!
OPENING TITLE: “UNPROTECTED”
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - HALLWAY - STEVEN’S LOCKER - DAY
Steven struggles with the lock. BOOMER (18, a young, chubby Jonah Hill) joins him at the locker to his left.
BOOMER You’ve gotta turn past the first number. Like this...
Boomer demonstrates, and opens his locker to reveal a PORNOGRAPHIC CALENDAR with a blonde wearing only a baking apron. She holds cupcakes in front of her breasts.
THE CAPTION READS: “Cum frost my muffin!”
STEVEN Wow. You’re a... baking enthusiast?
BOOMER She is not a baker, she’s the creampie queen of Penthouse Magazine.
STEVEN Can’t be much of a magazine. They spelled “come” wrong.
Boomer looks at him confused.
BOOMER You an exchange student or something?
STEVEN Nope, just new. Steven Dorkopf. 3.
He goes for a hand-shake. Boomer fist-bumps him.
BOOMER Boom! Barney Baumgartner. But friends call me Boomer.
Nearby, CHAZ, an asshole jock, duct-tapes a NERD to the wall.
Steve panics.
STEVEN Ohmygoodness! You stay here, I’ll go find a teacher!
Boomer laughs.
BOOMER You think the teachers are in control here? They’re not.
STEVEN Then, who is?
Boomer turns around and points.
BOOMER That guy.
DOWN THE HALL
DANE MASTIFSON (18, your typical Abercrombie doosh) struts toward them in a letter jacket with his arm around some SLUT.
BOOMER (CONT’D) The dude everyone in high school wants to be... Dane Mastifson. Star forward of the lacrosse team, and my personal hero. He's slept with 94 percent of the dance squad and that hot Spanish teacher who used to do porn.
Dane rips the Nerd off the wall and throws him into a MALE TEACHER (40s) who spills hot coffee all over himself.
MALE TEACHER Oh sweet Lord that burns!! --Good luck at the game this weekend, Dane!
DANE Shuttup, Mr. Bennet. 4.
The Teacher turns to the Nerd excitedly.
MALE TEACHER He knows my name!
BACK TO BOOMER AND STEVEN
BOOMER Dane answers to no one... except her.
DOWN THE HALL
MISSY McGRATH (hot, blonde) rounds the corner in a slow- motion, wind-blown moment, sucking on a lollipop.
BOOMER (O.S.) (CONT’D) Missy McGrath... School’s biggest cock tease and Dane’s white whale. The only girl he hasn’t stuck his Moby Dick in yet. Some say she’s a lesbian, others claim her vaj is sewn shut, but I’m pretty sure she’s saving herself for Mr. Right.
BACK AT STEVEN’S LOCKER
STEVEN Well, that’s admirable.
BOOMER Not really. Mr. Wright is our chemistry teacher. Lucky British bastard.
Missy ignores Dane and his crew, and waves to MR. WRIGHT (40s, British) who waves back, dropping a pile of papers.
Boomer rips his calendar off the door, and shuts his locker.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Well, I like to rub one out before first period, so I’ll check ya later, Steve-o.
STEVEN Okay. Bye, Barney... I mean Boomer!
CUT TO: 5.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
Steve searches for a place to sit.
Chaz puts his feet up on the chair in front of him. A GOTH KID stabs a nearby desk with his pencil and HISSES at Steve. There’s an open spot next to Boomer who tinkers on his phone.
Steve takes a seat.
STEVEN Looks like we’re neighbors again.
Boomer doesn’t even look up.
BOOMER What? Oh... Yeah. Hey, whaddya think about this chick? Hump or dump?
Boomer hands Steve his phone which displays a SCREEN-SHOT of a TOPLESS WOMAN.
Steve drops it and SHRIEKS.
STEVEN Argh! What is wrong with you!
BOOMER Calm down, bro! You act like that’s the first pair of tits you’ve ever seen!
STEVEN That is the first pair of... (rage-whispers) breasts I’ve ever seen!
A few seats away, Missy fawns over Steve.
MISSY Awww! That’s adorable!
BOOMER (skeptical) You’re telling me you’ve never used Hump-Or-Dump before?
STEVEN I don’t even know what that is. 6.
BOOMER It’s an app. People upload naked videos of themselves or others and have the world judge whether they’re humpable or dumpable. It’s like hot-or-not... but with boobies.
The BELL RINGS.
In walks Steve’s Mom.
LYNN Good morning, class. My name is Ms. Dorkopf, and I’ll be your substitute health teacher for the rest of the semester.
Boomer looks up from his porn, and is in lust at first sight.
BOOMER Woah, Momma!
LYNN But I’m not the only new person here... my son Steven will be joining you as well.
She blows a kiss to Steve who blushes. Boomer turns to him.
BOOMER You’re Momma?
LYNN We’ll be picking up where you left off before break... The unit on Sexual Reproduction.
She attempts to pull down the PROJECTOR SCREEN. It’s stuck.
Lynn stands on a chair, giving the screen a veritable tug-job toward her chest. Boomer takes in the spectacle.
BOOMER (to Steven) So I noticed your Mom isn’t wearing a ring... are things dunzo with your Dad? Cuz she is hounding for a pounding in that dress.
Lynn, still fiddling with the screen looks at Boomer.
LYNN What was that? 7.
BOOMER I was just wondering where you got that beautiful crucifix hanging between your-- uh...round your neck.
LYNN It was a gift from my late husband.
BOOMER If you were my wife, I’d try to be on time.
Boomer winks at her. Steve GROANS.
Lynn wrangles the screen to the ground.
LYNN Well, thank you, Mr... (checks the seating chart) Baumgartner.
BOOMER Please... Call me Boomer.
LYNN Now, if you’ll all turn to page 124 in your text books, you’ll see a diagram of the female reproductive organ. It looks like this...
Lynn turns on the projector.
At that moment, the SCREEN RETRACTS, catching on the bottom of her dress. It lifts her skirt over her head, revealing her LACEY BLACK PANTIES!
LYNN (CONT’D) Ohmygoodness!
Lynn struggles to pull her dress out of the screen case.
Boomer whips out his phone to film her.
BOOMER Hump-Or-Dump here we come!
Steve wrestles with Boomer for the camera.
STEVEN Hey! Gimme that! 8.
BOOMER Just let it happen, bro! She’s totally hump-able!
Steve throws Boomer’s phone across the room and SLAPS him in the face.
STEVEN Goddamnit, she’s not HUMP-ABLE! She’s my mother!
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
Lynn pulls Steven outside by his ear.
STEVEN Mom, you don’t understand, he was--
LYNN Oh no! If you’re going to talk like that in my classroom, then you’re not going to talk at all!
STEVE But--
LYNN Not. Another. Word, Steven.
She opens the classroom door, smiling.
LYNN (CONT’D) Boomer, would you kindly join us out here in the hallway?
He enters.
LYNN (CONT’D) I want to apologize for my son's behavior. Up until today, Steven has been my only student... He’s not used to sharing me yet. And his father’s passing hasn’t been easy for either of us. He’s a good kid, really. I'm just afraid that without a strong male influence... (a beat) Steven is heading down the wrong path--
Lynn breaks down crying. Boomer pulls her in for a hug. 9.
BOOMER Come here. It's okay. Let it out.
She sobs into Boomer’s shoulder while he rubs her back.
LYNN Did you just unhook my bra?
BOOMER That’s not important. Right now we need to focus on getting Steven back on track.
LYNN (wiping her eyes) You’re right.
BOOMER I want you to know that I'm here for him.
He grabs Lynn’s hand.
BOOMER (CONT’D) For both of you.
LYNN Oh Boomer, I know this is asking a lot, but... is there any way you could take him under your wing? Make sure my Steven makes the most of his time here at Morning View.
BOOMER Don’t you worry, Miss D... I’ll give him the full high school experience... I promise.
LYNN God bless you!
She kisses Boomer on the cheek.
An evil grin spreads across Boomer’s face. He turns to Steve.
BOOMER Whaddya say, Steven? Friends?
Boomer reaches out for a fist-bump.
Steve glares at Boomer. He looks to his teary-eyed mother. 10.
STEVE (gritting his teeth) Friends.
BOOMER Boom.
They fist-bump as the BELL RINGS.
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - HALLWAY - STEVE’S LOCKER - DAY
Steve puts his head inside and GROWLS.
GIRL’S VOICE (O.S.) He deserved it, you know.
Steve turns around to find Missy standing behind him.
MISSY Boomer’s a perv. So are most of the guys at this school. But you’re not.... You’re a momma’s boy. And it just so happens... I think momma’s boys are cute.
She grabs Steve’s hand and writes her address on his forearm.
MISSY (CONT’D) I’m having a party tonight. You should come. It’s a pool party so... bring your swimsuit...
She walks off, then turns back to Steve.
MISSY (CONT’D) ...Or don’t.
Steve shuts his locker to reveal: Boomer.
Boomer watches Missy walk away. Her WHITE THONG pops up above her waistline.
BOOMER (whispering to himself) The white whale...
CUT TO: 11.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
Steve bows his head to say “Grace.”
BOOMER (O.S.) You’re fucking going.
Steve opens his eyes. Boomer stands in front of him.
STEVE Excuse me?
Boomer plops down.
BOOMER You’re going to Missy’s party. And you’re taking me along as your wing man.
Boomer grabs a chicken wing off Steve’s plate.
STEVE Actually, I’m going to tell her that I won’t be able to make it.
BOOMER Why would you do that?
STEVE So she doesn’t make too much food or--
BOOMER I don’t think you understand. You’ve been invited to the most exclusive party of the year by the captain of the dance team. The sluttiest girls in school will be there! Drunk! In bikinis! Steve-o, and I’m saying this as a friend... you’re a huge loser. You’re as much fun as a holocaust movie, and the whole dead dad thing is a major buzzkill, bro. But Missy McGrath doesn’t know that yet! This is your one chance to get in with the popular kids before they realize you suck!
STEVEN I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to graduate! 12.
BOOMER You were home-schooled, right? When’s the last time you did something fun? Haven’t you ever wanted to break a rule, or a commandment?
STEVE Why would I want to make a mistake?
BOOMER Because mistakes make the man, Steve! They remind us we’re alive! I made a promise before God and your smokin’ hot Mom that I’d give you the full high school experience. Well, this is it! High school is about being popular, and getting laid. Not necessarily in that order.
STEVEN In that case, I’ll pass.
Boomer moves over to Steve’s side of the table.
BOOMER (pleading) Steven, your mother and I just want what’s best for you...
Steve squeezes his juice box so hard, APPLE JUICE SQUIRTS everywhere.
STEVEN You’re not my friend, and you’re not my dad! So leave me and my mother alone!
A beat.
BOOMER Fine. I will.
STEVEN Really?
BOOMER Sure! If you let me tag along to Missy's party, then I’ll back off with your mom, and never talk to you again.
Steve considers his options. 13.
STEVEN Deal. We can stop by for a few minutes after church.
BOOMER Good! I’m glad you finally -- Wait... Church?!
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - MAGIC HOUR - ESTABLISHING
Boomer’s car pulls into the parking lot.
INT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Boomer and Steve walk past a POSTER that READS:
“I Saved Myself For Jesus, An Abstinence Musical by Steven Dorkopf.”
In it, Steve and JENNA (18, brunette) are dressed in wedding attire.
BOOMER You wrote that?
STEVEN I like to think God wrote it... through me.
Boomer looks at his watch.
BOOMER How long is this gonna take? Missy’s party started twenty minutes ago!
CUT TO:
INT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - STUDENT CENTER - NIGHT
On stage, CLARK (16, tenor) dressed as JESUS belts out the song “I’m Always Watching You,” to CANNED MUSIC. 14.
CLARK / JESUS (singing) Hand-jobs still count as sexual relations / So do blow-jobs and fore-play / Anal’s a sin, and so’s masturbation / Especially if you’re gaaaaaayy!
He turns to GARRET (14, nerdy) who lies in bed, stage right.
CLARK / JESUS (CONT’D) (sings the chorus) Remember I’m watch-ing you! / When you’re in the shower / I’m watch- ing you! / And I can see through covers / I’m watch-ing you! / So pull up your pants, and show me both hands! / cuz I’m watch-ing you! / I’m al-ways watch-ing you!!
Boomer and Steven enter. The MUSIC STOPS.
STEVEN Clark! Why aren’t you and Jenna going over your big dance number?
CLARK We would be, if she had shown up.
STEVEN Our leading lady isn’t here?
BOOMER Well... looks like rehearsal’s cancelled. Let’s go!
STEVEN Not so fast, Boomer. Where is she?!
PASTOR TIM (O.S.) She’s out.
YOUTH PASTOR TIM (30s, obviously gay but closeted) enters, wearing a sparkly blouse and poofy director pants.
STEVEN You fired her?
PASTOR TIM No. I mean she’s OUT. Tweeted it last night at a Katy Perry concert. Quote, “I kissed a girl, and I liked it... smiley face emoticon.” Shameless! 15.
He rips the poster in half, tearing Jenna’s side off the wall.
PASTOR TIM (CONT’D) There's no room for sinners in the Virgin Power Players. And with less than a week until opening night, I can't afford to lose any more of you. So everyone, shake the hand of the person standing next to you.
Steven shakes hands with a confused Boomer.
PASTOR TIM (CONT’D) Congratulations! You’ve just met your Purity Partner!
BOOMER My what?
Tim passes out small, square-shaped, PACKETS.
PASTOR TIM Each of you gets a Sexual Pressure balloon. Write your Purity Partner’s number on the package. Any time you're feeling pressured to act out sexually, just release some of that pressure into the balloon, give them a call, and they’ll talk you off-- I mean down.
Garret unwraps his balloon. It’s definitely a condom.
CLARK Uh... who’s gonna replace Jenna?
PASTOR TIM It’s crunch time now, so I brought in a professional. Cast, say hello to... Michaela Wormstrom!
MICHAELA WORMSTROM (17, a Christian version of Miley Cyrus) enters from back stage with a tray of cookies.
MICHAELA Howdy, ya’all!
STEVEN Michaela Wormstorm? As in THE Michaela Wormstrom... from The Cherry Keepers? 16.
BOOMER Who are The Cherry Keepers?
STEVEN Only the hottest female act in contemporary Christian music since Amy Grant! Ms. Wormstrom, it is such an honor! “I Kissed Kissing Goodbye” is my all-time favorite song!
MICHAELA It is so nice to hear that, but I don’t sing for the accolades, just my Lord and Savior.
STEVEN (whispers to Boomer) I could marry that girl.
BOOMER I just wanna eat her cookie.
He grabs a COOKIE from her and shoves it in his mouth.
MICHAELA Almost forgot! Made ya’all my favorite: Peanut Butter Explosions!
BOOMER (muffled) Uh oh... I’m allergic to peanut butter...
Boomer’s face turns bright red and begins to SWELL.
CUT TO:
I/E BOOMER’S CAR - NIGHT - MOVING
Boomer's car speeds down the road, swerving through traffic.
STEVEN Hang on, Boomer! The hospital’s not far away!
They stop at a light near the entrance of “North Oaks”, a gated community.
Boomer, whose cheeks have swelled up like a chipmunk before hibernation, gathers his surroundings, WHEEZING. 17.
BOOMER Take a right here. (gasping for air) It’s a short cut!!
Steven races through the winding roads past towering McMansions. Luxury SUV’s and sports cars line the streets.
BOOMER (CONT’D) (barely able to speak) I’m not going to make it...
STEVE Yes you are! Just hold on!
BOOMER Steve-o... I want you to stab me.
STEVEN (frantic) What?!
Boomer pulls an EPPI PEN out of his hoodie and hands it to Steve.
BOOMER Take this, and stab me in the neck.
STEVEN But... I’m driving!
BOOMER JUST DO IT!!
STEVEN (almost to tears) OKAY!!!
Steve grabs the eppi pen and STABS him in the neck. Boomer shrieks like a girl.
BOOMER Aaaaaaahhhh!
Steve SLAMS on the breaks and responds in kind.
STEVEN Aaaaaaaahhh!
The car SCREECHES to a halt.
The swelling begins to subside, and Boomer’s wails turn to relief. 18.
BOOMER Ahhhhh...
Boomer peers out the window. He yanks the needle out.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Good. We’re here. Get out.
Steve looks outside. They’re in front of Missy’s house.
STEVEN (still shaking) This... this was all just a DIVERSION!?!
BOOMER I’m fat, Steve. I can smell peanut butter from miles away. You were taking forever at church, what was I supposed to do?
STEVEN Definitely NOT risk your life over a stupid party!
BOOMER Missy McGrath’s stupid party. There’s a difference. Now c’mon!
EXT. MISSY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Boomer and Steve walk up Missy’s driveway.
A SPORTS CAR REVS past them and parks. Several bikini-clad STRIPPERS get out of the passenger’s seat.
The driver, ANDRE OWENS (20s, Caucasian) a wannabe thug, hops out and escorts the ladies around back.
STEVEN Who’s that?
BOOMER Andre Owens. Goes by Dre. His dad owns Tig Ol’ Bitties, the strip club downtown. He’s twenty-nine but parties with high-schoolers to scout out new talent. Deals drugs too, but that’s just for fun.
They reach the front step. BASS is THUMPING from inside. Boomer RINGS the DOOR BELL. 19.
STEVEN Who has a party on a school night anyway? I’d be surprised if anyone showed up.
BOOMER This isn’t your church’s potluck. Trust me... they showed up.
The door opens, and out stumbles a DRUNK CHICK who pushes past them, and BARFS into the bushes. MUSIC is BLASTING.
INT. MISSY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dozens of HOT TEENAGERS are inside getting shwasted.
STEVEN (shouting) Where are Missy’s parents while all this is going on?
BOOMER Right over there.
Boomer points to MRS. McGRATH (40’s) who lifts up her blouse, lays back on the sofa, and lets Chaz take a body-shot out of her belly-button.
IN THE BACK YARD
MR. McGRATH (50) stands on the diving board in his underwear.
MR. MCGRATH Wet t-shirt contest!!
He CANON-BALLS into the pool. The WATER SOAKS a group of HOTTIES gathered nearby. Missy is among them.
MISSY Da-ad!! You’re so embarrassing!
BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM
BOOMER (sighs) I wish my parents were that cool!
CUT TO: 20.
INT. MISSY’S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT
A SLUT (18) sits on the side of the bed, wiping her mouth, and adjusting her bra.
SLUT I’ve never done that before.
Dane zips up his pants.
DANE I could tell.
SLUT So... does this mean, we’re dating?
Dane SIGHS. He takes her hand, and leads her to the door.
DANE Listen Amanda...
SLUT Allie.
DANE Whatever... what we had was special, but...
He picks her shirt off the ground and gives it to her.
DANE (CONT’D) ...I only date girls who swallow.
Dane pushes her into the hall, and shuts the door behind her.
He pulls a YEARBOOK out from under the bed.
It opens to a GROUP PHOTO of the school’s dance team: The Viewettes.
Dane crosses out the Slut’s face. The only one still visible is Missy’s. He circles it.
Dre enters.
DRE Another successful entry in the bang book?
DANE One more to go, bro... but she’s got her holes on lock down. 21.
DRE Dr. Dre might have something to ease her inhibitions.
Dre shows him an ORANGE PLASTIC BOTTLE OF PILLS.
DRE (CONT’D) Horny Goat Weed. Chinese zookeepers feed it to pandas to get them to mate in captivity. Drop one in her drink, and it’s nothing but pink.
Dane takes a pill out, sniffs it, and then puts it in his shirt pocket. He hands Dre a twenty.
DANE Thanks bra, you’re a lifesaver.
CUT TO:
INT. MISSY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Steve hovers around the punch bowl. Boomer takes a long swig from a vodka bottle.
BOOMER Want some?
STEVEN I don’t drink.
SAM MARSHALL, (18, a young, hot Emma Stone) joins them.
SAM Me neither. Nobody’s spiked the punch yet. I’ll pour you a glass.
Steve smiles. She’s pretty.
STEVEN Thanks. Hold the tiny umbrella though. Didn’t see any miniature storm clouds out tonight.
Sam smiles, hands him a cup, sans umbrella, and they toast.
SAM I’m Sam by the way.
STEVEN Steven. Nice to meet you.
Boomer steps between them. 22.
BOOMER I know you from somewhere... (flirting) Do we have... chemistry together?
SAM (shutting him down) I’m home-schooled.
STEVEN Me too! Well I was until--
BOOMER Are you in my Facebook group for erotic Pokemon fan-fiction?
SAM Thankfully, no.
BOOMER Hmm. You ever date my stepdad, Artie? Fat guy. Smells bad.
Sam is getting a little uncomfortable.
STEVEN Boomer! Give it a rest, will ya?
BOOMER Sorry... I just know I’ve seen her somewhere before!
A drunk Missy enters, and throws her arms around Steve.
MISSY Steeeeeeven! I’m so glad you came! (not impressed) And you brought your friend...
STEVEN Boomer’s not my friend, he’s--
BOOMER The designated driver.
Boomer pounds some more vodka.
DANE Ladies! Let’s do some shots!
Dane and Dre join them at the punch bowl and pour five shots.
STEVEN I’ll pass. 23.
SAM Me too.
MISSY Me three, I’m so faded!
BOOMER You guys are such pussies! I’ll do theirs.
Dre grabs Sam’s glass from her.
DRE At least let me freshen your drink. Name’s Dre.
He drops a PILL of H.G.W. into Sam’s cup before filling it with punch.
SAM Sam. Thanks.
DANE Great party, Miss!
Dane throws his arm around Missy, releasing the PILL above her glass, but it BOUNCES off of the tiny umbrella, and into Steve’s cup instead. KER-PLUNK!
DANE (CONT’D) Shit!
BOOMER Bottoms up bitches!
Everyone pounds their respective drinks.
Boomer throws back the shots, tossing the final glass behind him. It hits ALLIE (the Slut) in the face.
ALLIE Ow! What the feck?!
The MUSIC CHANGES.
MISSY Yasssss... I love this song!
Missy backs into Steve’s crotch and starts twerking.
Dane fumes.
Steve is unsure how to respond until THE PILL KICKS IN. 24.
A crowd gathers around them, dancing.
Steve loses himself in the music. Without thinking, he SLAPS Missy’s ass.
ALLIE Get it, girl!
Sam turns to leave.
SAM (jealous) I need some air.
Steve stops dancing, and stumbles after her.
Dane jumps in behind Missy. She quits twerking, and PUKES on him instead.
CUT TO:
EXT. MISSY’S HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT
Steve weaves through TEENS, trying to escape the LOUD MUSIC.
STEVE’S POV
Sam exits the backyard gate. Steve follows her. HIS WORLD IS SPINNING.
Dre pops up, out of nowhere.
DRE Back-off brosef... (pointing to his dick) Seats taken.
He palms Dre in the face, pushing him into the pool. SPLASH!
DRE (CONT’D) This isn’t over, cock-blocker!
Steve wanders out the gate, and down the steps, to a moonlit view of TURTLE LAKE. Sam is standing on the shore.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOCK - NIGHT
They sit under the stars, dangling their toes into the water. 25.
SAM Sorry I left. I was feeling light- headed.
STEVEN Me too. And the music was SO LOUD. It’s peaceful out here though.
In the distance, a DOG HOWLS at the moon.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Well, it was...
Sam smiles.
SAM I miss my dog.
STEVEN Oh. Is he...?
SAM Back in Chicago with my mom and brother.
STEVEN So you live with your Dad?
SAM Actually, I moved in with Missy.
STEVEN Why?!
SAM She’s family. I was trying to escape some drama at my old school, and her parents had an extra room. I don’t really wanna talk about it.
A beat. They look out at the stars bouncing off the water.
STEVEN I know what might cheer you up.
He pulls out his “sexual pressure balloon” and un-wraps it.
SAM Woah! I don’t know where you thought this was going, but I am NOT--
STEVEN Relax. It’s just a balloon. 26.
He blows into the balloon, and twists it into the shape of a dog.
STEVEN (CONT’D) I used to teach this as a skills class at my Bible camp.
SAM Really? I was a lifeguard at mine.
STEVEN We seem to have a lot in common!
Steve hands her the balloon-doggie.
SAM Thanks.
She grabs Steve’s arm and wraps it around her.
SAM (CONT’D) It’s getting chilly out.
This is the closest Steve has ever been to a girl.
STEVEN Yeah...
Sam leans in to kiss him and her dog falls into the lake.
Steve yanks his arm back, and jumps to his feet.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Oh shoot! I’ll get it! Whoa--oa!
He loses balance and falls into the water, SMACKING his head on a nearby ROW BOAT.
Steve sinks to the bottom, unconscious.
SAM Holy crap!
Sam rips off her shirt and pants, and then DIVES IN after him. SPLASH!
For a moment, all we see are BUBBLES.
GASP! Sam bursts out of the water, pulling Steve to safety.
SAM (CONT’D) Come on... hang in there! 27.
She drags Steve onto the shore and administers CPR, straddling him.
Steve JOLTS awake, spitting out the water from his lungs. Sam collapses on top of him, exhausted and relieved.
SAM (CONT’D) (almost to tears) Thank God! You’re alive!
STEVEN Yeah... I am!
He pulls her in and kisses her. It’s hot.
Sam sits up to remove her bra. As she unhooks, we...
BLACKOUT.
SFX: SEAGULLS and WAVES lapping at the shore.
FADE IN:
EXT. DOCK - DAWN
The SUN RISES.
Steve sleeps under a tarp on the row boat. He opens his eyes.
He’s not at home. He looks under the tarp. He’s naked.
Steve sits up, panicked.
An arm wraps around his stomach. He turns around to find an equally nude Sam lying beside him. She opens her eyes.
STEVEN / SAM Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Steve backs away from her and falls overboard. KER-SPLOOSH!
He pops back up, out of the water.
STEVEN I’m alright!
Steve swims to shore.
SAM Steven! Calm down. Can we please talk about this... 28.
He holds his junk in one hand and gathers his clothes with the other.
STEVEN I’m sorry... But I can’t -- I just -- I just CAN’T!
Steve runs off, bare-ass naked.
CUT TO:
EXT. MISSY’S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
A hung-over Mr. McGrath adds more water to the pool with a garden hose. The place is trashed.
The gate swings open, and naked Steve barrels through.
He trips on the hose, and lands on a BLOW-UP SEX DOLL.
Steve bounces back to his feet, and drops his clothes, covering his privates with the doll.
STEVEN I’m alright!
He hobbles off, toward the front of the house.
CUT TO:
I/E MR. WRIGHT’S HYBRID - DAY - MOVING
Mr. Wright WHISTLES to himself as he makes his way to school.
Steve bursts through the hedges into the middle of the road.
MR. WRIGHT Good Lord!
Mr. Wright slams on the brakes, and swerves.
Steve stops - deer in the headlights - and braces for impact.
The HYBRID SCREECHES to a stop, inches away.
Steve peeks through his hands.
STEVEN I’m... alright?
Mr. Wright gets out, rattled. 29.
MR. WRIGHT Have you lost your bloody mind?! You nearly ran me off the road! Not to mention almost-- Do I know you?
STEVEN Sort of... I go to Morning View.
MR. WRIGHT That’s right, you’re our new student. Dorkopf is it?
STEVEN Steven.
MR. WRIGHT Steven... where are your clothes?
STEVEN I-- I lost them.
MR. WRIGHT I see. And is there anything else you’d like to tell me before I notify your parents?
Mr. Wright reaches for his cell phone.
STEVEN No! Don’t do that! My mom can’t handle something like this right now!
MR. WRIGHT Then I shall speak to your father.
STEVEN You can’t. He’s-- he’s gone. Car accident...
MR. WRIGHT Oh... I see.
STEVEN Look, I know this looks awful, but you’ve gotta believe me when I tell ya I’m a good kid, who made a horrible mistake! And right now... I just need a ride home. Please.
A beat. Mr. Wright unbuckles his belt.
STEVEN (CONT’D) What are you doing? 30.
MR. WRIGHT Giving you my pants. Unlike you, I’m wearing knickers.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. WRIGHT’S HYBRID - DAY - MOVING
Steve sits shot-gun while the doll is strapped in back seat.
Awkward silence. Until...
MR. WRIGHT I’m sorry about your father. I recently lost my wife.
STEVEN In a car accident?
MR. WRIGHT In a divorce.
STEVEN What happened?
MR. WRIGHT I was cheating on her.
STEVEN With a student?
MR. WRIGHT With my career. I was in medical research. Spent weeks at a time in my laboratory. Barely saw her. To this day, I don’t know why I was surprised when she left. I let it destroy me. Started drinking. Lost my job. Quit trying.
STEVEN That was stupid.
MR. WRIGHT Grief can make us do a lot of stupid things as we try to distract ourselves from the pain. Dumb things... like... running onto a busy highway wearing nothing but a sexual apparatus and frantic look on your face. (MORE) 31. MR. WRIGHT (CONT'D) But no matter how far you run from it, or pretend like it isn’t there... grief will pop up. And it won’t be pretty.
STEVEN Yeah.
They pull up outside Steve’s house.
STEVEN (CONT’D) (unbuttons his fly) Well, I suppose you want your pants back...
MR. WRIGHT No, no! Keep them.
STEVEN Thanks.
MR. WRIGHT And Steven, if you ever want to talk, you know where my lab is.
Steven gets out, and shimmies up a tree, sneaking inside through his bedroom window.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVEN’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
In only his whitey-tighties, Steve brushes his teeth with an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH and scratches his groin.
He stops brushing, SPITS, and proceeds to shove the bristle end of his tooth-brush down his undies for itch-relief.
STEVEN Oh yeah... right there!
Steve throws one foot up on the counter, and goes to town.
LYNN (O.C.) Steven?
Startled, Steve slips and falls to the ground, trying to cover himself. The TOOTHBRUSH still BUZZING on the ground.
STEVEN Mom! Don’t come in!
Lynn pops her head inside. 32.
LYNN (tries to look away) I’m sorry, I-- I just didn’t hear you come in last night, and I wanted to make sure--
STEVEN MOM! Privacy! Please!
LYNN Okay, OKAY! Just scoot your boots, or we’re gonna be late for school!
Steve TURNS OFF the tooth brush, and pulls on his jeans.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - DAY
Students make their way inside.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - HALLWAY - STEVEN’S LOCKER - DAY
Steve shuts his locker. A hung-over Boomer is standing behind it.
BOOMER Ya really need to slam it like that?
STEVEN Sorry.
BOOMER Dude... last night was in-sane! I got black-out drunk and had Mrs. McGrath drive me home. Long story short, I got an over-the-pants H-J in the Target parking lot.
STEVEN What’s with you and people’s moms?
BOOMER How’d things turn out on your end?
STEVEN I uh-- 33.
BOOMER Doesn’t matter... I’ve got bigger news! Remember that chick at the punch bowl?
STEVEN You mean Sam?
BOOMER Yeah! I figured out how I know her... Brace yourself bro... she’s... a PORN STAR!
STEVEN WHAT?!
BOOMER Well, amateur, but still! I got home and poured through my online spank bank until I found her! Check it out!
Boomer pulls out his phone, clicks on the Hump-Or-Dump app, and hands it to Steve.
INSERT ON: BOOMER’S PHONE
A VIDEO PLAYS of a very drunk Sam in a hot tub. A random FRAT GUY (20s) steps in with a bottle of JAGERMEISTER.
FRAT GUY Who’s ready for some shots!?
SAM Woooooooo!
FRAT GUY You know the rules, Sammy! Hooters for shooters!
She turns toward the Frat Guy and unties her bikini top.
SAM Hooters for shooters! Woooooo!
He pours Jager into her mouth and all over her body.
Just as she turns toward camera, cut...
BACK TO SCENE
Steve drops the phone. Boomer picks it up. 34.
BOOMER Dude! You coulda cracked my screen!
STEVEN (in denial) So she got drunk at a party, that doesn’t make her a porn star.
The VIDEO continues to PLAY in the background.
SAM (V.O.) Jay-son! You got Jager all over my bikini bottoms! Now get in here and lick it off!
BOOMER That does. The website named her April’s number three “Most Bone- able Babe!”
FRAT GUY (V.O.) Hang on, lemme go grab a condom.
SAM (V.O.) Pffft! Condoms are for pussies. I want your DICK!
BOOMER Wow, look at her go! [SIGHS] Ya know I think she might be the one.
STEVEN The one what?
BOOMER The one to punch my V-card! She’s probably had sex with thousands of guys, she’d be the perfect poonani professor! Show me all the ins and outs of plowing like a porn-star! You think she was into me, Steve-o? Steve-o?
Steven walks off, speechless.
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
The BELL RINGS.
Lynn stands at the front of class holding a TRASH CAN. 35.
LYNN Alright class, we’re going to continue our unit on Sexual Education. Please take out your text books... and throw them away! They’re filled with liberal lies Obama put in there to get elected.
GOTH KID This book was published in 1959. Obama wasn’t even born yet.
LYNN Only if you go by the date on his fake birth certificate! Besides, I have something much more stimulating. It seems like every time you kids go online, it's to look at dirty pictures... so I brought some to class in hopes of grabbing your attention! I'm warning you though, these are pretty graphic.
Boomer sits up, excited to learn.
Lynn dims the LIGHTS and turns on her projector with a REMOTE CONTROL.
LYNN (CONT’D) Our first specimen is what sinners refer to as a pair of “DSLs” or “Dick-Sucking Lips.”
CLICK. A PHOTO of a woman’s lips covered in Herpes sores blankets the screen behind Lynn.
BOOMER Mother of God!
LYNN Fact: Herpes is the most common sexually transmitted disease on the planet. And it’s incurable.
MISSY Hashtag barf! Hashtag disgusting!
LYNN What’s wrong Ms. McGrath, not a fan of my...
CLICK. A PHOTO of an emaciated man covered in sores. 36.
LYNN (CONT’D) Visual AIDS? Fact: Each year, more people die from sexually transmitted diseases than plane crashes, shark attacks and pirate murders... combined.
CLICK. A PHOTO of a woman covered in Syphilis sores.
LYNN (CONT’D) Fact: One in three sexually active persons has an STD. Like Syphilis.
CLICK.
LYNN (CONT’D) Gonorrhea.
CLICK.
LYNN (CONT’D) Or Crabs.
With each photo, the students are more and more repulsed.
LYNN (CONT’D) And your odds of catching one only go up the more partners you have.
Boomer’s words from earlier ECHO in Steve’s head.
BOOMER (V.O.) She’s probably had sex with thousands of guys! Thousands of guys! THOUSANDS of guys!!
Steve feverishly scratches his groin.
CHAZ That’s why I always wrap it before I slap it!
LYNN Oh my dear, sweet, stupid CHAZ... “safe sex” is just a myth! Let’s go over the dangers of condom use, shall we?
Lynn reaches into a GROCERY BAG and pulls out a BANANA.
LYNN (CONT’D) Let’s say this is your penis.
Boomer leans over to Missy. 37.
BOOMER That’s about right.
Lynn pulls out two KIWIS.
LYNN And these are your testicles.
MISSY You wish.
Lynn stabs the kiwis with a TOOTHPICK, attaching them beneath the banana.
Boomer winces.
LYNN And this is your average teenage girl.
She pulls a full-sized, de-thawed CHICKEN from her bag and SLAMS it onto the projector.
LYNN (CONT’D) Low self-esteem, scantily clad, willing to spread 'em for any Gomer who throws her a passing glance.
CRACK! Lynn rips the chicken-legs apart, breaking the rubber- band.
LYNN (CONT’D) Fact: Fifty percent of women with one or more sexual partners WILL contract an STD before age twenty five.
Lynn pulls a container of RASPBERRY JAM out of the bag and SQUIRTS it inside the chicken.
LYNN (CONT’D) We’ll call this Human Papillomavirus or HPV. Better known on the street as genital warts.
She licks her finger. The class cringes.
Lynn unwraps a CONDOM.
LYNN (CONT’D) And this paper-thin condom is the only thing separating your banana from a lifetime of itchy, burning, embarrassing outbreaks. 38.
She rolls the condom onto the banana.
LYNN (CONT’D) Now, who’s ready for some quote un- quote safe sex?!
The class watches in horror as Lynn passionately fucks the crap out of the chicken with her fruit.
SFX: SQUISHING and SLURPING
We focus on STUDENTS' reactions and Lynn's face as JAM SQUIRTS everywhere.
After ten seconds or so, she pulls the banana out with a SUCTION NOISE, and holds it up for the class to see.
Raspberry jam has splattered all over her forearm, blouse, and most importantly... the kiwis.
A GLOB of it DRIPS onto the ground.
LYNN (CONT’D) Any questions?
Steve stops scratching, and raises his hand.
STEVEN May I go to the bathroom please?
LYNN Of course.
He stands up and runs out of the room.
LYNN (CONT’D) As for the rest of you, I brought in a film from back when I was your age. It’s an oldie, but a goodie!
Lynn rolls out an OLD FILM PROJECTOR and turns it ON.
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY - 1950’S (SUPER 8)
BIBLE BOB (40s) a man dressed in a gigantic Bible costume stands in front of a Leave-It-To-Beaver-esque home.
CHILDREN dressed in party attire play on the front lawn.
BIBLE BOB (to camera) Howdy folks! I’m Bible Bob! (MORE) 39. BIBLE BOB (CONT'D) You may remember me from such faith- based industrials such as “Jesus Drank Wine, and So Does Mommy” or “Why Does Our Congregation Believe in Segregation?” Come with me now, as we explore your body!
BOOMER (O.S.) That’s what she said!
Bob opens the front door of the house and walks inside.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY
The living room is decorated for a birthday party. JIMMY EVERYBOY (13) sits alone on the couch, looking unhappy.
BIBLE BOB What’s got you down, Jimmy Everyboy? Isn’t it your birthday?
JIMMY EVERYBOY Yeah. But I don’t wanna grow up. My older brother Wally says my skin’s gonna get yucky, my voice is gonna crack, and I’ll get all hairy like a monkey at the zoo!
BIBLE BOB Oh, Timmy!
Bible Bob tussles Jimmy’s hair, a little too hard.
JIMMY EVERYBOY You’re hurting me.
BIBLE BOB At this age, your body’s going through a lot of changes. Most of them are perfectly normal, some you might wanna get checked out, but there's a couple that are very sinful!
JIMMY EVERYBOY Whenever I see Susie Everygirl, I get a funny feeling in my bathing suit area.
Through the window SUSIE EVERYGIRL, (15, developed) waves to Jimmy.
SFX: SLIDE WHISTLE as Jimmy’s pants produce a pup tent. 40.
BIBLE BOB That means two things, Bobby. A, you're not a homosexual. And B, Susie Everygirl is probably a whore. You see, God gave us women to have sex inside of, but only within the loving chains of marriage. The Bible says that looking lustfully at a woman you’re not married to - is the same as committing adultery. Which means those uncontrollable erections of yours are coming from the devil!
JIMMY EVERYBOY Oh no!
BIBLE BOB Oh yeah! Whenever that pesky pervert pops up, just pull out your handy-dandy Bible and smack him down like this.
WHACK! Bible Bob punches Jimmy in the dick.
BIBLE BOB (CONT’D) Take that, Satan!
Jimmy doubles over and PUKES into a HOUSE PLANT.
JIMMY EVERYBOY (gasping for air) Thanks Bible Bob!
BIBLE BOB Any time, Billy... any time.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
The REEL has caught on FIRE.
LYNN Ohmygoodness!
Lynn jumps into action.
SWOOOOOSH! She puts out the blaze with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
CUT TO: 41.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - BOY’S ROOM - DAY
Steve stands in front of the mirror, lifting his shirt up to examine his posterior.
CLOSE ON: RED BUMPS
At the top of his buttcrack.
Steve unbuckles his pants, pulls out the elastic of his underwear, and peers down into the abyss.
Wide-eyed, he slowly looks up... a la “Home Alone”.
STEVEN Noooooooo!
The BELL RINGS.
Steve sits down on a toilet to cry.
Someone bursts into the neighboring stall.
SFX: FARTING and POOING NOISES
VOICE Phew! I can already tell this is gonna be a double-flusher!
Steve’s SNIFFLING gets louder.
VOICE (CONT’D) You uh... [FART] doing alright over there?
STEVEN Farter, forgive me... for I have sinned!
An eye peeps through a hole marked “Insert Dick Here.” It’s Boomer.
BOOMER Steve-o, [FART] is that you?
STEVEN Boomer! You gotta help me! Last night I... I--
BOOMER Realized you’re gay? Tried intravenous drugs? (MORE) 42. BOOMER (CONT'D) Touched yourself to an anime cartoon? It’s okay, man, we’ve all been there.
STEVEN No! Last night I... (hangs head in shame) accidently lost my virginity.
BOOMER You had SEX?!
STEVEN Accidentally!
BOOMER With a girl?
STEVEN With Sam.
BOOMER You had sex with the PORN STAR!? [HIGH PITCH TOOT]
STEVEN I didn’t know she was a porn star! I’m going to hell aren’t I?
Boomer laughs.
BOOMER Relax, it’s just sex! It’s not that big of a deal!
STEVEN You don’t understand, He knows! He saw everything!
BOOMER Who’s-- [LONG FART] Who’s he?
STEVEN GOD! And now He’s punishing me. I’ve been cursed, Boomer!
BOOMER Cursed? With what? [PISSING NOISE]
Steve takes a deep breath.
STEVEN (solemnly) God gave me an STD. 43.
FLUSH!
Boomer kicks open the door to Steve’s stall.
BOOMER (serious) She gave you the herps, huh?
STEVEN My life is over isn’t it!? What am I gonna tell my pastor? Or my future wife? [GASPS] What am I gonna tell MY MOTHER?!
Boomer slaps Steve in the face.
BOOMER Get a hold of yourself, man! We don’t tell them anything, until we know what we’re dealing with?
STEVEN We?
BOOMER A Purity Partner doesn’t bail on his bro in times of trouble. He helps. Now, this sounds like a job for... the INTERNET!
Boomer pulls out his phone.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Describe your symptoms.
STEVEN Uhh... it’s really itchy...
Boomer types them into his search tool.
BOOMER Itchy.
STEVEN Swollen...
BOOMER Swollen.
STEVEN And red... with tiny bumps all over. Oh and some of them are oozing this yellowy-green puss! 44.
BOOMER Oh my God!
STEVEN What does it say?!
BOOMER No, I just think I’m gonna barf. (beat) Nevermind, swallowed it. Okay...
He looks at his phone.
BOOMER (CONT’D) According to this, you have a blood- borne plague from the middle ages. Have you eaten any rat feces or rotting flesh in past 72 hours?
Blank stare from Steve.
STEVEN I’m screwed.
BOOMER You’re not screwed! We just need a second opinion.
STEVEN From who?
BOOMER My brother Greg, the army medic! He was stationed in Thailand for a year... so he’s seen all kinds of weird dick shit!
STEVEN Ummm the ‘shit’ in question isn’t really involving my... (whispers) Penis.
BOOMER Okaaaaaay... what does it involve?
STEVEN Meet me in the handicapped stall.
TIME CUT TO: 45.
INT. HANDICAPPED STALL - DAY
Steve’s pants are around his ankles and he bends over to give Boomer a gander at the goods.
Boomer uses the LIGHT on his PHONE to see better.
BOOMER That’d be your taint. As in ‘taint your balls, taint your asshole neither.’ Also known as a gooch, durf, or grundle. Whatever you call it, it’s there to keep you from shittin’ on your nuts. And it’s definitely the epicenter of your rash. Looks like it’s spreading up the crack too. I’d say there’s only a matter of time before you’ve got a full-on dick-n-balls situation going on down there.
STEVEN Great! So what do I do?
BOOMER Smile!
STEVEN Huh?
FLASH! Boomer’s CAMERA goes off.
BOOMER You moved! Now it’s all blurry!
STEVEN What are you doing?!
BOOMER Taking a picture. For my brother. Remember?
STEVEN I thought he was going to examine me in person!
BOOMER Yeah, Greg’s in Afghanistan. I was gonna email him the shots.
STEVEN (sighs) Fine. Take the pictures. 46.
Unbeknownst to either of them, an ASIAN KID (16) enters the Boy’s Room to pee.
BOOMER In that case, I need you to elevate your ass so I can see everything better.
Steve puts one foot on the T.P. DISPENSER, and the other on a HANDRAIL, and bends forward, grasping the FLUSHER to steady himself.
STEVEN Does this position work for you?
The Asian Kid looks up from the urinal, toward the handicapped stall.
BOOMER (O.C.) Uh huh. Very nice. Now hold still. I’m gonna start at the top of your crack and work my down past your butthole.
ASIAN KID (to himself) Ho-ly shit!
STEVEN What was that?
BOOMER Pull up your balls, they’re blocking me.
Steve is losing balance.
STEVEN Just gimme a sec!
BOOMER And spread those cheeks, I wanna get it all in!
STEVEN I’ve only got two hands!
BOOMER Reach around here, and hold it like this, so I can come under your leg and get the taint.
The Asian Kid GAGS. 47.
STEVEN Nnnnngggh! I’m losing my grip!
BOOMER Hang on, I’m almost finished! Okay... aaaaannnd done!
Steve lets go with a loud SIGH of relief.
STEVEN PHEW!
Boomer holds up his fist.
BOOMER Now pound it, brotha!
FLUSH! The Asian Kid runs out.
STEVEN (whispers) Is somebody out there?!
Steve yanks his pants back on.
BOOMER Hello?
Boomer opens the door to their stall.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Nothin. Must be a broken sensor.
He fiddles with his phone.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Uh oh.
STEVEN What’s uh-oh?
BOOMER My camera was on the wrong setting. It took a video, not a picture.
STEVEN I’m not doing that again. It’s humiliating. Just send him what you got!
BOOMER You’re the boss!
Boomer presses “send.” 48.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Oh boy.
STEVEN What now?
BOOMER No signal. I’ll try again during Spanish class, it’s on the third floor. In the meantime, I’m gonna set up a meeting for you with my skin specialist. Meet me in the gym after sixth period.
STEVEN Fine.
BOOMER Oh crap.
STEVEN What is it?
BOOMER I’ve gotta take another shit. [FART] See you at three-thirty!
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
Steve enters. No sign of Boomer.
STEVEN Hello. Anybody here?
BOOMER Psssst!
Boomer grabs Steve by the arm and pulls him under the bleachers.
STEVEN Why are you hiding under the bleachers?
BOOMER Wait for it...
The double-doors swing open and the entire Viewette’s DANCE SQUAD files in. 49.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Boom.
TARA (17, hot) and Allie the Slut help each other stretch, provocatively.
TARA Where’s Missy?
ALLIE Earning some extra credit. She said to start practice without her.
BEHIND THE BLEACHERS
STEVEN Can we meet somewhere else? It’s really hot in here.
BOOMER I know, I cranked the heat up to ninety-eight degrees.
He points to the THERMOSTAT on the wall. The plastic casing around it is cracked.
STEVEN Why would you do that?!
BOOMER Wait for it...
ALLIE Ohmygod, I’m dying in this hoodie!
Allie stops stretching, and takes off her HOODIE to reveal a skimpy SPORTS BRA underneath.
BOOMER Boom.
KIKI (18), a buxom dancer, pours a WATER BOTTLE onto her forehead. It drips down to her thin, white halter-top.
KIKI Ooo that feels good.
The rest of the dancers also strip down to bras and leggings.
TARA Maybe we’ll sweat out so many calories, we won’t have to go throw up later! 50.
ALLIE Yeah, it’s like heat yoga or something! Gimme a squirt, Kiki!
Kiki SPRAYS Allie in the chest, she PERKS UP.
ALLIE (CONT’D) Ooo that’s cold!
A sweaty Boomer turns to Steve with a big smile on his face.
BOOMER Double-boom.
Steve has seen enough.
STEVEN Who’s this specialist you wanted me to meet?
Boomer removes his shirt.
BOOMER Brock Tyson. The guy’s an expert when it comes to weird skin stuff. He’s in the next gym over. Just tell him I sent you.
HARD CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - WRESTLING GYM - DAY
Two muscle-bound WRESTLERS are locked in the ‘69’ position on the pads, grinding their crotches into each others’ face.
BROCK TYSON (18) and Steve stand on the sidelines, watching.
Brock’s cauliflower ear is understated by the cocktail of different rashes that fester under his singlet.
BROCK As you can imagine, a close-contact sport like wrestling leads to the spread of many communicable skin conditions. I’m currently benched due to a combination of impetigo, MRSA, and scabies. So I turned to my other passion... consulting. That’s how I met Boomer.
STEVEN Boomer wanted to wrestle? 51.
BROCK No, he had an allergic reaction to a Mexican lube he was using to jerk off. I gave him some hydrocortisone cream and it cleared right up.
STEVEN Oh, okay. Well, I have a... condition of my own that I’d like your opinion on.
BROCK No problemo. Let’s step into my office.
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Brock guides Steve past the changing area where Dane, Chaz and more JOCKS are stripping down after LaCrosse practice.
CHAZ Hey Dane, you ever gonna wash this rancid thing?
He holds up Dane’s mud-covered JERSEY.
DANE Chaz! Do NOT touch my lucky jersey! Seriously, show some respect, bra; this baby brought us to state last year! Washing it would take away its magic powers. Sack-tap!
Dane flick’s Chaz in the nuts.
CHAZ Oh, you are so gonna get it!
Chaz drops the jersey, and his towel, then follows Dane to the showers.
Brock and Steven enter.
BROCK Alright, let’s see whatcha got under the hood.
Steve looks around before dropping his pants. 52.
BROCK (CONT’D) (examining Steve’s taint) Interesting... very interesting.
STEVEN What is it?
BROCK It’s got the disbursement pattern of ringworm, but the dry, flaky sores of herpes simplex... and judging by the color, I’d say it’s pretty infected. Hang on.
Brock digs through his DUFFLE BAG and pulls out a giant yellow bottle of GOLD BOND.
BROCK (CONT’D) Try this.
STEVEN Foot powder?
BROCK Prescription strength. Pure menthol. Feels like a thousand fairies blowing on your balls. It’ll bring the swelling down and take away the itching. Good luck!
Brock leaves.
Steve looks at the bottle.
STEVEN A thousand fairies, huh?
He shakes a small amount into his hand and applies it to his groin.
He smiles.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Oooo that is nice!
Steve pulls out the elastic of his undies and dumps half the bottle down his pants.
Brock runs over. 53.
BROCK I almost forgot to tell you... don’t get it anywhere near your tip! It’s way too sensitive to handle something that strong!
Steve’s smile turns into a look of panic.
STEVEN Ohmygoodness!
He runs over to the bathroom area, turns on the sink, and hurls water at his junk.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Haaaaa!
Brock pops his head in once more.
BROCK Oh, and whatever you do, don’t get it wet. Water only amplifies the effects.
Steve SHRIEKS.
STEVEN It’s burning!! What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!?
BROCK Wipe it off!
Steve tries the paper towel dispenser, but it’s empty.
He turns his frantic gaze upon Dane’s lucky jersey which is lying on a nearby bench.
DANE
Returns from the shower and finds Steve using his good-luck- charm to wipe the residue off of his balls and crack.
DANE You’re a dead-man, Dorkopf!
Steve runs out of the locker room, using the jersey to cover himself.
CUT TO: 54.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
Pantsless Steve blows past the Viewettes who are mid-routine.
STEVEN Yaaaaaaah!
UNDER THE BLEACHERS
A sweaty Boomer unbuttons his shirt as he films the scantily clad dancers with his phone.
BOOMER Steve-o?
BACK TO SCENE
Dane bursts in, gaining on Steve.
DANE Drop the jersey, fuck-face!
STEVEN Fine!
Steve lets the jersey fall to the ground.
A JANITOR (50s) opens the far door and Steve pushes past him.
JANITOR What the--?!
Dane charges forward.
DANE Outta the way, old man! Wo-oah!
He slips on the slimy jersey and SLAMS into the padded wall.
JANITOR Holy moley! It’s hot in here!
The Janitor walks over to fix the thermostat.
JANITOR (CONT’D) Who the heck turned this up so high? And what are these still doing out?
He flips the switch to RETRACT the bleachers into the wall. 55.
BEHIND THE BLEACHERS
Boomer is going to be crushed.
BOOMER Uh-oh.
ANGLE ON: ALLIE THE SLUT
ALLIE Okay girls, back to work! 5-6-7-8!
Just before she hits ‘play’, a SCREAM ECHOES throughout the gymnasium.
BOOMER Baaaaaaaaah!
Boomer dives out from under the bleachers and scurries off with his pants around his ankles, tripping several times.
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
Pantsless Steve runs by classrooms, hiding behind trash cans and lockers from PASSING STUDENTS.
Dane spots him from down the hall. Chaz joins the chase.
DANE I am gonna pound your ass, Dorkopf!
CHAZ Yeah! And I’m gonna suck your dick!
DANE What?!
CHAZ Nothin...
Steve rounds the corner and retreats into the nearest classroom.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - CHEMISTRY LAB - DAY
Steve SLAMS the door behind him and locks it. He turns around to find... 56.
Mr. Wright and Missy embracing at the front of the room. ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS in the background.
STEVEN Mr. Wright?
He and Missy separate.
MR. WRIGHT Mr. Dorkopf!
STEVEN Missy?
Missy waves.
MISSY Hi Steven! Nice balls!
Steve pulls down his shirt to cover himself.
Mr. Wright backs into his desk, knocking over several GLASS BEAKERS. They CRASH to the ground.
MR. WRIGHT Steven let me explain--
STEVEN Save it for your grief counselor!
Steve storms out.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
Dane points to Steve.
DANE Oh, you’re mine now!
Down the hall, Chaz thinks Dane is pointing to him.
CHAZ I was always yours, Dane!
Chaz runs to Dane and gives him a big hug. He pushes Chaz away.
DANE Bah! Get off me! What’re you gay!
CHAZ No-homo fo-sho, bro! Fo-SHO! 57.
An awkward beat. Then.
CHAZ (CONT’D) Sack-tap!
Chaz flicks Dane in the nuts.
DANE Oh it’s on! Double sack-tap!
Dane uses both hands to smack Chaz’s scrotum.
The jocks continue to touch each other’s genitals as Steve sneaks away.
The Asian Kid from earlier watches them, jaw-dropped.
ASIAN KID (to himself) Ho-ly shit.
DANE What are you looking at, fag?
The Asian Kid runs off.
CUT TO:
INT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - STUDENT CENTER - NIGHT
CAST and CREW MEMBERS mill around on stage decorating poster board with markers and glitter.
Steve walks in.
STEVEN Clark? Garret! What’s going on? Why aren’t you rehearsing?
Michaela runs over.
MICHAELA You haven’t heard? It’s been all over FUX News!
Pastor Tim enters, carrying a bundle of wooden sticks.
PASTOR TIM The liberals are opening a free clinic on the university campus!
STEVEN So...? 58.
PASTOR TIM So... they’re offering free birth control, free condoms, and free STD testing to young deviants and adulterers!
MICHAELA But the worst part is, they’re doing it all... anonymously!
PASTOR TIM Shameless! Literally.
MICHAELA We’re planning a protest tomorrow morning. You’re more than welcome to join if you’d like! I made you a sign, just in case.
She shows him her sign. It READS: “NO FREE CLINIC! PAY FOR YOUR SINS!“
Steve smiles.
STEVEN Anonymous free health-care, huh? Sounds... horrible. Count me in!
CUT TO:
INT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Steve is on the phone with Boomer. INTERCUT WITH:
INT. BOOMER’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Boomer lays on his bed, watching PORN on a BIG SCREEN TV.
BOOMER So your mom’s just letting you skip school and go to Planned Pregnancy?
STEVEN No, she’s letting me skip school and PROTEST Planned Pregnancy. I can have her write you a note too if you want.
BOOMER Oh hells yeah! Scared single moms are ten times more likely to give fat guys a sympathy beej. 59.
Steve wanders into the lobby just as Sam walks through the door.
SAM Steven?
STEVEN Boomer, I uh... I gotta go.
He hangs up the phone and runs over to her.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Sam?! What are you doing here?
SAM I have meeting with Pastor Barb. About... God and stuff.
STEVEN You can cut the act, Sam. I know your secret.
SAM What secret?
HARD CUT TO:
INT. PASTOR TIM’S OFFICE - COMPUTER - NIGHT
Steve has logged onto HumpOrDump.com And PLAYS Sam’s VIDEO.
VIDEO SAM “Condoms are for pussies! I want your DICK!”
The VIDEO PAUSES.
Steve turns to her.
STEVEN You just forgot to mention that you’re a porn star?!
Tears well up in Sam’s eyes.
SAM I’m not. It was a stupid mistake! I was young, and drunk, and didn’t know anyone was filming. I’m not that kind of girl!
STEVEN Could’ve fooled me, last night! 60.
She SLAPS him in the face.
SAM Why do you think I don’t drink? Why I moved in with Missy to finish up school online? Why I’m back at church! I wanted a fresh start. To get away from all of this. But I guess I can’t. Apparently even in the eyes of God, I’m still just damaged goods.
Michaela bursts in.
MICHAELA Steven! I have fantastic news! My agent was so impressed with your script, he sent it to a Christian film producer friend in Hollywood!
STEVEN Really?
MICHAELA Really! He loved the abstinence- only message, and wants to turn it into a movie starring Kirk Cameron!
STEVEN Ohmygoodness!
MICHAELA I know!! Congratulations!
She gives Steve a big hug and notices Sam in the corner.
MICHAELA (CONT’D) Oh, I didn’t even see you over there! I’m Michaela Wormstrom...
She points to the updated “I SAVED MYSELF FOR JESUS” POSTER behind them.
MICHAELA (CONT’D) ...Steven’s future wife. And you are...?
SAM Leaving.
Sam rushes out.
STEVEN Sam! Wait! 61.
Steve goes to follow her when Michaela nears the computer.
MICHAELA What were ya’all looking at online?
Steve stops dead in his tracks, and yanks Michaela away.
STEVEN Nothing! Just... Googling Jesus!
Steve slams the door shut behind them.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANNED PREGNANCY CLINIC - DAY
A small group of PROTESTORS line the sidewalk near the entrance to the building.
Michaela passes out buckets filled with rocks.
CLARK What is this for?
MICHAELA They’re stones I painted uplifting Bible verses on. I thought we could throw them at perverts walking inside!
PASTOR TIM (sweet) Aren’t you just an angel?
AROUND BACK
Steve and Boomer sneak through the parking lot to the service door. Boomer is out of breath.
BOOMER (wheezing) Tell me again why we had to park so far away?
STEVEN So nobody sees us walking inside. Now get down, before we’re spotted!
ESTELLE, (40s) a nurse opens the back door and calls to them. 62.
ESTELLE Yoo-hoo! Don’t be afraid, child! Come on in the back, before one of them pro-life wack-os blows something up out there!
Michaela eyes them from a distance.
MICHAELA Steven!? Is that you?
STEVEN Argh! Run!
BOOMER Do I have to?
Steve grabs Boomer by the wrist and they scurry toward the door.
PASTOR TIM God hates fags!
Pastor Tim WHIPS a ROCK at them, hitting Boomer in the nuts.
BOOMER Ow! Shit!
PASTOR TIM I got one!
MICHAELA Praise Jesus!
CUT TO:
INT. PLANNED PREGNANCY CLINIC - WAITING ROOM - DAY
Boomer ices his nuts, while Steve stands in line behind dozens of POOR, SICK PEOPLE.
Estelle sits at the desk hands Steve a clipboard.
ESTELLE Just fill out this forty-page questionnaire, and then you can take a number.
A neon LIGHT above them ILLUMINATES “104”.
Estelle speaks into an INTERCOM. 63.
ESTELLE (CONT’D) Now serving one-o-four! Number one- o-four, please come to the front.
A sniffling PROSTITUTE (40s) pushes through the crowd. She SNEEZES on Boomer.
Behind the door, SCREAMING can be heard.
BOOMER You sure you wanna do this?
STEVEN What choice do I have? Has your brother emailed you back yet?
BOOMER Lemme check.
Boomer reaches into his pocket.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Uh oh.
STEVEN Boomer...
BOOMER I lost my phone! Quick, call it!
STEVEN Okay!
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
COACH GALVIN (50s) stands in front of an all-male GYM CLASS.
COACH GALVIN Name of the game is Olympic Team Badminton. These are your racquets, and this is your shuttle-cock. Some of you have new cocks, so the red tips will be extra sensitive. Do not to lose your cocks, got it?
Chaz snickers.
COACH GALVIN (CONT’D) Something funny about the word shuttle-cock, Chaz? 64.
CHAZ No sir, Coach Galvin, sir.
COACH GALVIN Good.
BOOMER’S RING TONE PLAYS from behind the bleachers.
COACH GALVIN (CONT’D) Mastifson! Go see what’s causing that ruckus, while the rest of you... grab your cocks!
Dane jumps to his feet.
DANE Yes sir!
BEHIND THE BLEACHERS
Dane finds Boomer’s PHONE on the ground, STILL RINGING.
ANGLE ON: THE PHONE
A PHOTO of Steve fills the home-screen.
DANE (CONT’D) Doosh-bag!
Dane rejects the call.
Boomer’s VIDEO of the Viewettes begins to PLAY.
DANE (CONT’D) Woah! Nice!
Dane enjoys it for a moment, and then flips through Boomer’s files, stopping on a STILL-FRAME of Steve’s ass.
DANE (CONT’D) What the...?
He PRESSES PLAY, and the scene from the handicapped stall PLAYS OUT before him.
An evil grin spreads across Dane’s face.
DANE (CONT’D) You’re going down, Dorkopf.
CUT TO: 65.
INT. PLANNED PREGNANCY CLINIC - WAITING ROOM - DAY
Steve puts down his phone.
STEVEN Just went to voicemail.
BOOMER Shit! I hope it’s in my car.
The Prostitute SNEEZES, blowing her ticket onto the ground in front of Boomer. He picks it up.
ESTELLE (on the intercom) Now serving number one-o-five! One- o-five, please come to the front.
BOOMER Sweet! That’s us!
STEVEN But I haven’t finished filling out this--
BOOMER Leave it! It’s our turn!
Boomer yanks Steve to the front where Estelle is waiting.
ESTELLE Only one at a time, gentlemen.
Boomer throws his arm around Steve.
BOOMER You don’t understand... where he goes, I go.
STEVEN He’s my Purity Partner.
Estelle smiles and WINKS.
ESTELLE Oooh. I get it. Follow me, girls.
She leads them to...
INT. PLANNED PREGNANCY CLINIC - EXAM ROOM - DAY
Estelle hands Steve a hospital gown. 66.
ESTELLE Strip down and put this on with the opening in the back. The doctors will see you in just a moment.
STEVEN I’m sorry... doctor-s? As in multiple?
ESTELLE Mmm-hmm!
She leaves.
Steve undresses beneath his gown.
STEVEN Boomer, I just wanna thank you again for coming today. And for being there for me in general. My dad was the only person I would have talked to about this, and now that he’s gone...
BOOMER That’s what friends are for, right Steve-o? Look, now may not be the ideal time to do this but... will you go to prom with me? Not like, as my date, just as a bro. I’ve always wanted to go, and I’ll look like a loser if I show up alone.
Steve is preoccupied with the buttons on his gown.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Ya know what... forget I asked. It’s stupid. You’re probably--
STEVEN Of course I’ll go with you, Boomer. That’s what are friends for.
They share an awkward hug. Steve’s butt peeks through.
DOCTOR JAKE (O.C.) Knock! Knock!
DOCTOR JAKE (20s, good-looking) enters in a baseball hat.
DOCTOR JAKE (CONT’D) Sorry to interrupt! I’m Doctor Jake. Me and my class will be the ones examining you today. 67.
STEVEN You and your class?
DOCTOR JAKE Yup, this clinic is affiliated with the university. C’mon in gang!
Nearly a dozen HOT CO-EDS file into the room.
DOCTOR JAKE (CONT’D) So, Steven. What can we do ya for?
STEVEN I uh--
BOOMER He’s got a rash on his taint.
DOCTOR JAKE Who’s he?
BOOMER His best friend.
DOCTOR JAKE I see. How long has this been going on?
BOOMER We met a few days ago.
DOCTOR JAKE I meant the rash.
STEVEN Same amount of time.
DOCTOR JAKE And how was it contracted?
STEVEN During a... sexual encounter.
DOCTOR JAKE I see. Steven, why don’t ya flip onto your tummie and put your feet up in these stirrups?
Steve flips over. Doctor Jake pulls up a chair.
DOCTOR JAKE (CONT’D) Alright kids, what you’re about to see may shock and disturb you. 68.
He opens the back flaps to Steve’s gown, and the College Kids GASP in horror. One takes a picture with her cell phone.
DOCTOR JAKE (CONT’D) Ah... Mmm-hmm mm-hmm. Was your partner wearing protection at the time penetration occurred?
STEVEN Excuse me?
DOCTOR JAKE Was he wearing a condom?
STEVEN There is no he in this situation. I’m not gay!
DOCTOR JAKE And I’m not saying you are. (whispers to students) He is.
STEVEN I can hear you!
DOCTOR JAKE That’s a good sign! Was the anal sex not consensual?
STEVEN There was no anal sex! Just good old-fashioned, penis-vagina sex!
Doctor Jake turns to his students.
DOCTOR JAKE Sometimes, patients lie to cover up shameful behavior. You’ll see that a lot on “House.”
BOOMER I love that show!
Doctor Jake takes out a COTTON SWAB.
DOCTOR JAKE So what we’re gonna do now is swab Steven’s anus for a tissue sample, and I’ll call him in a few days with the diagnosis. (whispers to students) Obviously butt herpes. 69.
Doctor Jake opens up the cabinet and pulls out a giant BAG OF CONDOMS. He hands it to Steve.
DOCTOR JAKE (CONT’D) In the meantime, here’s some free condoms. You two crazy kids have fun, alright?
STEVEN We’re not a couple!
DOCTOR JAKE I know you’re not! (whispers to students) They totally are!
Doctor Jake and his students file out.
BOOMER He was nice. I like him.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVEN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Steve walks in the front door to find his mother on the couch waiting for him. Her mascara is running.
LYNN Where were you today?
STEVEN At the protest...
PASTOR TIM That’s weird. I never saw you.
Pastor Tim is sitting on the love seat.
STEVEN Pastor Tim! What are -- what are you doing here?
Lynn starts crying.
PASTOR TIM Why don’t you just take a seat.
Steve sits down.
STEVEN I’m concerned. 70.
PASTOR TIM So are we. You know, Steven, the church’s computers monitor all web traffic on our network.
STEVEN They do?
PASTOR TIM They do. And we have reason to believe you were perusing pornographic pictures in my office the other night.
STEVEN Oh...
Lynn holds up the TRAFFIC REPORT and reads it aloud.
LYNN Hump or Hump dot com. A website “to determine whether a bitch should be humped, or dumped.”
STEVEN Mom... I can explain--
LYNN What’s there to explain Steven?!
She keeps reading.
LYNN (CONT’D) And then there’s Spunky Hunks dot com. “The spot for kinky twinks.”
STEVEN Wait... what? I never went to--
PASTOR TIM (obviously guilty) If it’s on there, it’s on there, Steven! No use denying it!
LYNN Be honest with me, Steven... are you having the gay sex?
STEVEN No! Mom, I promise, I never even--
Pastor Tim jumps to his feet and covers Steve’s mouth. 71.
PASTOR TIM I command the gay demons to leave this boy!
Pastor Tim shoves Steve, knocking the big BAG OF CONDOMS out of his back-pack and onto the floor.
PASTOR TIM (CONT’D) (gasps) Shameless!
Lynn breaks down sobbing.
LYNN This is all my fault. I should have known you weren’t strong enough to resist the temptations of public school! Well this settles it. I’m pulling you out! Now, go to your room. You’re grounded, mister.
STEVEN But--
LYNN No butts! You’ve seen enough already! Just go to bed, and say your prayers... You’ll need them now more than ever!
Lynn falls apart in Pastor Tim’s arms. Steve slinks upstairs.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - SPORTS ARENA - NIGHT
A CROWD packs the stands for the big LaCrosse game. Boomer plays the TUBA in the PEP BAND.
Missy and the rest of VIEWETTES stretch out on the sidelines.
The WHISTLE BLOWS.
I/E ANNOUNCER BOOTH - NIGHT
A sports ANNOUNCER (40s) speaks into his microphone.
ANNOUNCER And that concludes the first half. But stick around, folks, in just a moment, we'll begin the 'Salute to America Halftime Show!' 72.
He TAPS a BUTTON on his computer and...
The JUMBO-TRON outside transitions to an IMAGE of the American flag.
We follow an ELECTRIC CORD leading out of the booth down...
UNDER THE STANDS
Dane and his JOCK BUDDIES huddle around Chaz who operates a LAPTOP.
CHAZ Alright... we’re tapped into the Jumbo-Tron.
Dane grins.
DANE Good. Just wait for my signal.
EXT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - SPORTS ARENA - NIGHT
The Viewettes take their position.
An OLD VETERAN hoists the flag atop a pole in the middle of the field.
ANNOUNCER All rise, for our National Anthem.
The LIGHTS DIM.
A SINGER steps up to the mic.
Boomer and the PEP BAND BEGIN the “Star Spangled Banner.”
SINGER O-oh say can you see / By the dawn’s early light / What so proudly we hailed / At the twilight’s last--
UNDER THE STANDS
Dane taps Chaz on the shoulder.
DANE Now! 73.
EXT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - SPORTS ARENA - CONTINUOUS
BLACKOUT.
The crowd panics. Then.
SFX: AUDIO (from a re-edited, auto-tuned, techno version of Steve and Boomer’s VIDEO) BLASTS over the LOUD SPEAKERS.
VIDEO BOOMER (V.O.) Pound it! Pound it! Pound it! Pound it!
VIDEO STEVEN (V.O.) Nnnghh!
VIDEO BOOMER (V.O.) Pound it! Pound it! Pound it! Pound it!
VIDEO STEVEN (V.O.) Nnnghhhhh!
BAM! VIDEO of Steve’s naked ass plasters across the Jumbo- Tron for the whole school to see.
The crowd reels back in horror as the TECHNO-SONG CONTINUES.
VIDEO BOOMER [VERSE] Spread. Those. Cheeks! / I wanna get it in! / Pull-up. Your. Balls! / I wanna get it in! / Reach. Around. Here! / I wanna get in! [HOOK] Wanna-get-it / wanna-get-it / wanna- get-it / wanna-get-it/ wanna-get-it ALL IN! [REPEAT]
VIDEO PLAYS of Steve showing off his rash in various positions. It shocks and disgusts students and faculty alike.
The Asian Kid stares, jaw-dropped.
ASIAN KID Ho-ly shit!
Boomer can’t believe his eyes.
BOOMER They’ve got my phone... 74.
RANDOM CLIPS PLAY over a catchy BASS LINE. The Viewettes improvise a dance routine to it.
VIDEO BOOMER “I’m gonna start at the top of your crack and work my way down, past your butthole.”
VIDEO STEVEN “Does this position work for you?”
VIDEO BOOMER “Hold it like this so I can come under your leg and get the taint!”
Boomer holds his head in his hands.
BOOMER Please don’t show my face. Please don’t show my face!!
The VIDEO ENDS on a close-up of Boomer’s face.
VIDEO BOOMER Pound it, brotha!
The LIGHTS TURN BACK ON.
The place is silent. Everyone stares at Boomer.
BOOMER Fuck my life.
He drops his tuba, and jumps off the bleachers, ripping his pants on the way down.
Boomer runs across the field exposing his ass to everyone.
The CROWD LAUGHS. Missy blushes.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVEN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Steve tosses and turns in bed.
DREAM SEQUENCE - EXT. DOCK - NIGHT
Steve is dressed as ‘Timmy Everyboy’ from his mother’s sex-ed film. He sits in a row boat with Sam who is covered in so many SORES that she looks like a burn victim. 75.
They kiss. Steve pulls away.
STEVEN Hang on, lemme grab a condom.
SAM Pffft! Condoms are for pussies! I want your DICK!
Steve, now NAKED, looks down at his junk. It’s transformed into a BANANA and KIWIS covered in RASPBERRY JAM.
STEVEN Yaaargh!
Steve loses his balance and falls out of the boat.
INT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - STUDENT CENTER - NIGHT
Steve sits in a COURT ROOM SET on the stage of his church.
The CAST of “I Saved Myself For Jesus” is the jury.
Pastor Tim, in a judge’s cloak, throws a BIBLE at him.
PASTOR TIM Steven Alice Dorkopf... for committing adultery, one of the seven deadly sins, I hereby sentence you to eternity in hell! May you itch and burn down there... FOREVER!
Pastor Tim SLAMS his GAVEL down several times.
END DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. STEVEN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Steve is jolted awake by a KNOCKING at his window.
It’s Boomer. Steve rushes over and lets him in.
STEVEN Boomer, it’s 2am!
BOOMER Why haven’t you picked up? I’ve been calling all night! 76.
STEVEN I’m grounded. Mom took away my cell.
BOOMER So you didn’t hear what happened?
STEVEN No. What happened?
BOOMER Somebody found my phone.
STEVEN And...
BOOMER And all of the videos on it... Including the one we filmed for my brother. They re-edited it, and turned the whole thing into this gay, techno, music-video! It was pretty good actually...
STEVEN Please tell me you’re joking!
BOOMER No. It played on the Jumbo-Tron at the lacrosse game! Everyone saw it.
STEVEN Argh! This is all your fault!
BOOMER My fault?
STEVEN Yes! You’re the one who lost his phone! You’re the one who filmed me naked! And you’re the one who dragged me to that FUCKING party in the first place!!! (GASPS) I can’t believe I just said that!
BOOMER Yeah... especially cuz I’ve only ever tried to help you!
STEVEN Your “help” has only ever made things worse! 77.
BOOMER What about me, huh? Thanks to you and your stupid rash, I was humiliated tonight in front of all my friends!
STEVEN Oh who are you kidding, Boomer? You don’t have any friends! Especially not me.
BOOMER Fine! Then have fun living with butt herpes for the rest of your life... ALONE!
Boomer storms out the window, and SLAMS it shut.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Steve wanders the town in his undies, sipping on a BOTTLE.
He sits down in the middle of the road and cries.
Two HEADLIGHTS pop up in the distance.
STEVEN (drunkenly yells at car) Go ahead! Hit me! I’d rather die now anyway, then spend the rest of my life with butt herpes!
The VEHICLE stops a few feet away. The driver’s door opens.
MR. WRIGHT Steven? Is that you?
STEVEN (takes another swig) Oh great...
MR. WRIGHT What are you drinking?
STEVEN Cooking sherry. It’s all we had in the house.
Mr. Wright sits down on the curb next to him. 78.
MR. WRIGHT You make it a habit of running around at all hours without your clothes on?
STEVEN It’s turning into my morning routine. What are you doing out?
MR. WRIGHT I had a date.
STEVEN (rolls his eyes) With Missy?
MR. WRIGHT No. If you would have just let me explain the other day... Missy has been teaching me ballroom dancing. It’s something my ex-wife always wanted me to do with her.
STEVEN A little late now, don’t you think?
MR. WRIGHT It’s never too late to change, Steven. Maybe she’ll take me back, maybe she won’t. But I refuse to let one mistake dictate the rest of my life.
STEVEN So what am I supposed to do? I can’t tell my mom what I did, and I pushed away the only friend who’d listen...
MR. WRIGHT Then apologize. Make things right.
STEVEN That’s impossible.
MR. WRIGHT Nothing’s impossible with grace.
Off in the distance, the sun rises over STEVEN’S CHURCH.
STEVEN Yeah... I guess you’re right. 79.
MR. WRIGHT That is my name! Now, would you like another ride home?
Steven jumps to his feet.
STEVEN No. I need to see Boomer!
MR. WRIGHT Ya sure you don’t wanna put on some pants and sober up?
STEVEN Positive. Let’s go!
Steve stumbles, and then pukes.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOOMER’S HOUSE - FRONT STEP - DAY
MRS. BAUMGARTNER (50s, hair in curlers) opens the door to a nearly-nude Steve.
STEVEN Good morning, Mrs. Baumgartner. Is Barney up yet?
MRS. BAUMGARTNER Doubt it.
STEVEN May I please wake him?
MRS. BAUMGARTNER Uh... sure.
She lets Steve in.
INT. BOOMER’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
Competing PORNOS PLAY on his BIG SCREEN TV and COMPUTER.
Boomer is asleep on his futon under a copy of JUGGS MAGAZINE.
Steve opens the door.
STEVEN Boomer? You alright, buddy?
Boomer GROANS. 80.
BOOMER I’m not your buddy, asshole! Just let me sleep!
Steve TURNS OFF THE PORN.
STEVEN You’re right. I was an asshole. But I’m not leaving. I came here to apologize. What I said last night was wrong. I was being an idiot.
BOOMER Yeah... You were.
STEVEN But to be fair, you also got it wrong.
BOOMER Wait... what?
STEVEN About the high school experience... It isn’t about getting laid or going to exclusive parties... It’s about finding friends who will stick with you through the most awkward, scary, and sometimes disgusting time of your life. Friends who have your back, even if nobody else is on your side... best friends. I’ve never had one before, so... I’m sorry if I didn’t treat you right. Forgive me?
Boomer pulls the “Juggs” Magazine off his face and sits up.
BOOMER You still my prom date?
STEVEN Yeah.
Boomer reaches out for a fist-bump.
BOOMER In that case... Boom.
Steve reciprocates, smiling.
STEVEN Boom. 81.
Steve’s PHONE RINGS.
STEVEN (CONT’D) That’s probably my mom. (he picks up) Hello.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - STUDENT CENTER - DAY
Michaela sits on the stage.
MICHAELA Steven! I just got off the phone with my agent... That Hollywood producer is flying in tonight to see the show!
STEVEN Wait... tonight?
MICHAELA Yup! Isn’t it exciting!?
STEVEN But... You haven’t even gone through it with us yet!
MICHAELA That’s why Pastor Tim called us all in now to rehearse. What time can you get here?
STEVEN Uhhh...
BOOMER Don’t you dare bail on me, bro! I already rented matching tuxes!
Boomer opens his closet to show him.
STEVEN You’re gonna have to run it without me, Michaela.
MICHAELA But Steven--
STEVEN Something big came up. Don’t worry. I’ll be there by ‘places.’ 82.
Steve hangs up the phone.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Okay... now for the hard part.
BOOMER That’s what she said.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVEN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Lynn paces back and forth. Steve and Boomer walk inside.
LYNN Where have you been? You were grounded! (points to Boomer) And you! I trusted you with my little boy! Now look what happened!
STEVEN This isn’t Boomer’s fault!
LYNN I know... it’s mine!
She collapses onto the couch, sobbing.
STEVEN You’re not the one to blame here, and neither is public school. You can protect me from everything else in the world, Mom, except myself. I’m gonna blow it sometimes. That’s just a part of life. But you need to let me fix things on my own. It’s time let go...
LYNN You don’t understand... I just lost your father, I’m not ready to lose you too!
STEVEN You’re not losing me, Mom. You’re letting me grow up.
Steve and Lynn hug. Boomer spots Lynn’s PURPLE THONG.
BOOMER Mmmmm. Steve-o, you mind if I cut in on that action? 83.
Steve’s PHONE HONKS.
STEVEN What was that?
BOOMER Oh yeah... I set up alerts on your H-or-D account. [WINKS] Someone must’ve posted on your message board.
Boomer grabs the phone and opens the application.
BOOMER (CONT’D) Uh... Steve-o? You’re gonna wanna see this.
STEVEN How many times do I need to tell you, Boomer? I don’t look at porn!
BOOMER That’s not it. Somebody just spotted Sam! It says she’s working at a strip club downtown.
STEVEN Ohmygoodness! This is all my fault! We’ve gotta go down there!
LYNN To a strip club? I don’t think so!
STEVEN Mom, please... a friend of mine is in trouble. You need to trust me.
A beat. Then.
LYNN Fine. But put on some pants first.
STEVEN Oh I’ll put on more than that...
CUT TO:
EXT. TIG OL’ BITTIES STRIP CLUB - DAY
Steve and Boomer exit Boomer’s Car in matching tuxes and sunglasses in a SLOW-MOTION, bad-ass moment. 84.
A heavyset OLD STRIPPER takes a smoke break near the back door.
Steve and Boomer stroll inside, unnoticed.
INT. TIG OL’ BITTIES STRIP CLUB - CHANGING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The stage door opens and two topless STRIPPERS (20s) enter.
STRIPPER #1 (O.S.) Way to twerk it today, girl! Do you bleach your asshole?
STRIPPER #2 (O.S.) Oh yeah! I use off-brand teeth- whitener. Burns like hell, and scars sometimes, but it’s so cheap!
Steve and Boomer duck behind a COSTUME RACK.
Dre strolls in carrying two COCKTAILS.
DRE Ladies! Great show! Care for a drink?
STRIPPER #1 I’ll pass on the roofie-colada, thanks.
STRIPPER #2 Yeah. If I wanted to get date- raped, I’d hang out with my step- dad.
Dane rushes inside, just as the Strippers leave.
DANE I’ll take one.
Dre hands him a drink. Dane dumps it out.
DANE (CONT’D) In pill form, please.
Dre pulls out his ORANGE PLASTIC JAR of Horny Goat Weed.
DRE Sorry, bra. I’ve only got two left. And prom is this weekend.
DANE Who ya taking? 85.
DRE That porn-star from the party. Total tight-ass, but one of these should loosen her up a bit.
He makes “the shocker” gesture.
DANE I’ll give you a hundred bucks for the other pill. Missy’s playin hard to get. C’mon man, I need this!
DRE Fine. Just don’t waste it on some goober like you did before.
Dre puts the pill in a SMALL PLASTIC BAG and hands it to Dane.
DANE Trust me, after the video I made... there’s no way that home-schooled homo will show up to cock-block us again!
DRE Good.
He and Dane leave. Boomer and Steve pop out from hiding.
BOOMER I don’t believe it! That sick bastard has my phone! I had like twelve gigs of porn on that thing!
STEVEN Who cares!? We’ve gotta warn Sam!
The boys run toward the stage door when they bump into a monstrous BOUNCER (30s).
BOOMER Uh-oh.
CUT TO:
EXT. TIG OL’ BITTIES STRIP CLUB - DAY
The Bouncer throws them outside, near the valet stand.
Dre’s Sports Car SCREECHES to a stop, inches from Steve.
Sam hops out of the driver’s seat. 86.
SAM Steven? What are you doing here?
STEVEN I wanted to stop you!
SAM From what?
STEVEN Taking this job!
SAM Why?
STEVEN Look, Sam, you’re a beautiful girl, but there are tons of other places to work! I’m sorry about what I said at church. You’re not damaged goods! You’re... you’re... dressed like a valet...
SAM I know. That’s my job! Wait... you thought I was stripping?! I told you, I’m not that kind of girl!
STEVEN And I’m not that kind of guy! But Dane and Dre are! They drugged us!
SAM What are you talking about?
STEVEN They dosed our drinks with something at Missy’s. I heard them talking about it. That’s why I was so loopey. I don’t drink or go to parties.... And certainly don’t have sex. That was my first time! I woke up, and freaked out. Then when I saw the video, and got the rash, I just assumed...
SAM Wait. What rash?
Dane and Dre enter.
DANE Don’t get too close to Typhoid Larry, Sammy! He’s got the herps! 87.
BOOMER Shuttup, Dane! And gimme my phone!
Dre throws his arm around Sam.
DRE These guys bothering you, babe?
Sam doesn’t know who to trust.
SAM Sort of... I gotta go.
She removes Dre’s arm and jumps back into his Sports Car.
SAM (CONT’D) I just-- I just need some time to think!
Sam PEELS OUT. Boomer walks over to Dre.
BOOMER Whoa! She just stole your car! Not a good feeling... is it? Can I have my phone back?
Dre glares at Boomer, and then turns to the Bouncer.
DRE Tiny... remove them.
Boomer and Steve run away.
CUT TO:
I/E BOOMER’S CAR - DAY - MOVING
Boomer’s Car speeds down the highway.
STEVEN Ten minutes till show time. Looks like I can kiss that movie deal goodbye.
BOOMER Oh no ya don’t! You worry about the musical, I’ll handle the porn thieves... Can I borrow your cell?
STEVEN To download more smut? 88.
BOOMER No! Of course not! To order a hooker.
CUT TO:
INT. HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY CHURCH - STUDENT CENTER - NIGHT
“I Saved Myself For Jesus” is mid-performance.
The MOVIE PRODUCER (40s, fake-baked and sleazy) sits in the front row, smiling.
ON STAGE
Steve and Michaela enter their “HONEYMOON SUITE.”
MICHAELA (in character) What a beautiful wedding! And now for the culmination of our love...
She steps toward Steve and grabs his hand.
STEVEN (also in character) Oh darling, I’m so glad you saved yourself for me!
Michaela puts her finger to Steve’s lips.
MICHAELA (extra cheesy) I didn’t save myself for you... I saved myself for Jesus! (turns to audience, then back to Steve) Now, kiss me!
Michaela leans in, but Steve backs away.
STEVEN (drops character) I’m sorry, I can’t do this!
Michaela is confused.
MICHAELA I said... kiss me!
Backstage, Pastor Tim motions for Steve to continue. 89.
STEVEN The only thing these characters have in common is their virginity. But a person’s lack of sexual partners doesn’t make them marriage material. People make mistakes. I know I have... Two days ago, I accidentally slept with a porn star.
The AUDIENCE GASPS.
STEVEN (CONT’D) And now I have genital herpes.
Michaela SHRIEKS and pulls away.
STEVEN (CONT’D) But I’m not going to let it control my life! Because... don’t we all have herpes?
Clark, dressed as a minister, calls to Steve from backstage.
CLARK Nope. Just you!
STEVEN Everyone has some sort of dark, dirty secret they don’t want anyone to see. Nobody’s perfect. So I say it’s time we share our herpes with others, instead of hiding it inside. Then maybe, the world will learn to look past our festering blisters of shame, and discover the person beneath the pustules. Someone just like them; with herpes of their own... who deserves to be loved.
Boomer stands up and attempts a SLOW-CLAP.
The rest of the audience, including the Movie Producer shake their heads in disapproval.
Boomer sits down.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to prom with my porn-addict best friend, and a transvestite hooker he purchased online. 90.
Steve walks off stage and leaves with Boomer.
The hooker, SHANICE (40s) WINKS at Pastor Tim on the way out.
SHANICE Timothy.
PASTOR TIM Carl.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORNING VIEW HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT
COUPLES funnel into the building, dressed in formal wear.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - FRONT LOBBY - NIGHT
Steve bursts through the double-doors and spots Sam sitting alone at a table. He runs over to her.
STEVEN Sam!
SAM Steven... Andre and I had a long talk, and he told me the truth.
STEVEN Oh. He did?
SAM Yeah. About how you pose as this sweet, innocent guy who goes to church... but really, you’re just a lying pervert who tries to score with virgins!
STEVEN No I’m not! He is! Besides, you’re the one who took my virginity!
SAM Oh stop it, Steven!
Dre walks over.
DRE Everything okay, babe? Got you some punch.
He hands Sam a glass of PUNCH. 91.
STEVEN Don’t drink that!
Steve SMACKS the punch out of Sam’s hands. It SPRAYS all over her white prom dress.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Ohmygoodness, I’m sorry! Here, lemme just--
Steve blots the stain near Sam’s pelvis with a NAPKIN.
SAM DON’T touch me! You’re really sick, ya know that?
STEVEN No I’m not! Dre is the one you should be afraid of! He’s-- he’s--
Sam throws Dre’s PUNCH in Steve’s face.
SAM He’s a perfect gentlemen! C’mon Andre. Let’s go.
Sam and Dre walk off together.
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - PHOTO STATION - NIGHT
STUDENTS wait in line to take their obligatory prom picture.
Missy checks her makeup while Dane flirts with some SKANK.
A sassy PHOTOGRAPHER (30s) poses Sam and Dre.
PHOTOGRAPHER (re: the stain) Oh honey... is it that time of the month?
SAM It’s punch.
PHOTOGRAPHER I see. Why don’t you wrap yourself in his coat to cover it.
SAM Okay. 92.
Dre just stands there.
PHOTOGRAPHER That means take it off, mister!
DRE Naw, I’m good.
The Photographer attempts to pull it off of him.
PHOTOGRAPHER Oh c’mon now, don’t be shy!
DRE Get your hands off me, bra!
They wrestle with the coat until...
An ORANGE PLASTIC JAR falls out of Dane’s pocket and onto the floor in front of Sam. She picks it up.
SAM Horny Goat Weed. What did you plan on doing with that?
PHOTOGRAPHER More like who did you plan on doing with that!
DRE Babe...
SAM Don’t ‘babe’ me... I’m outta here!
Dre grabs her by the waist.
DRE Oh no you don’t! I paid for your dinner, you’re mine for the night!
SAM Stop it! You’re hurting me!
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - FRONT LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
Sam’s SCREAMS jolt Steve into action. He rushes over to help.
Dane snags him by the arm.
DANE Not so fast, fuck-face. 93.
STEVEN Lemme go!
DANE Or what?
Steve winds up and HEAD-BUTTS Dane in the face.
Dane drops to the floor, BLEEDING. Chaz rushes over.
CHAZ Ohmygod, Dane! You alright, bra? I can kiss it, and make it better!
DANE Get off me!
Dre knocks over the cheesy backdrop and retreats down a hallway.
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Dre rounds a corner, where Mr. Wright is waiting for him with goggles and a turkey-baster.
MR. WRIGHT Stop in the name of science! We’ve got you surrounded.
DRE Yeah? You and what army?
Mr. Wright sprays a trophy case. The GLASS MELTS in seconds.
MR. WRIGHT Me and the corrosive elements that make up hydrofluoric acid.
Steve and a SECURITY GUARD approach from behind, cuffs ready.
STEVEN It’s over, Dre. No way out.
Dre SIGHS, defeated.
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH SCHOOL - COAT CHECK AREA - NIGHT
Dane slams his TICKET down on the counter. 94.
DANE C’mon, C’MON! Hurry the fuck up!
The ATTENDANT (off camera) hands him his jacket.
ATTENDANT (O.C.) That’ll be two dollars, sir.
DANE Yeah right!
Dane runs out the front door.
Steve and Mr. Wright arrive on the scene.
STEVEN Shoot! He’s getting away!
ATTENDANT Oh no he’s not.
The Attendant steps out from behind the door, it’s BOOMER.
BOOMER I may have put something in his flask.
Boomer holds up the PLASTIC BAG where Dane kept his H.G.W.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Dane takes a long swig from his FLASK and stumbles to his car.
DANE’S POV
HIS VISION IS BLURRED.
Shanice waits for him in the shadows, wearing a skimpy TRENCH COAT and bright red LIPSTICK.
SHANICE (in a woman’s voice) You gonna share any of that with Momma?
BACK TO SCENE
An evil grin spreads across Dane’s face. 95.
He hands her the flask and DE-ACTIVATES his CAR ALARM.
BOOP-BOOP!
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - FRONT LOBBY - NIGHT
Steve and Boomer sit at a table. Lynn rushes in, frantic.
LYNN Steven! There you are! [GASPS] Is that blood on your shirt? WHO HURT YOU?!?!
STEVEN Mom, I’m fine!
Mr. Wright steps between them.
MR. WRIGHT You should be proud of Steven. He stood his ground to defend the honor of a fine young lady.
LYNN And you are...?
MR. WRIGHT Theodore Wright. I teach chemistry. Pleasure to meet you Mrs. Dorkopf.
He kisses her hand.
LYNN (flustered) Oh... It’s actually Miss Dorkopf.
MR. WRIGHT I see... In that case, would it be presumptuous of me to ask for a dance?
He offers his hand. She takes it.
LYNN No. Not presumptuous at all.
He whisks her off to the gymnasium.
Missy sits down next to Boomer, equally bummed. 96.
MISSY Looks like our dream dates found each other.
BOOMER Yeah.
MISSY We should probably go dance.
BOOMER You mean like... together?
MISSY Sure. Consider it a ‘thank you’ for saving me from that creep Dane. Hashtag Pervert! Hashtag Rapist!
CUT TO:
INT. DANE’S CAR - NIGHT
Shanice’s head pops up from his lap. The pill is wearing off.
DANE So... who are you again?
SHANICE Your prom date, silly! I’m gonna need a towel...
She wipes her mouth with Dane’s lucky jersey.
SHANICE (CONT’D) (smiles at him) Do I have pubes in my teeth?
Dane turns on the light.
Shanice’s lipstick has rubbed off to reveal... a MASSIVE COLD SORE on her lip!
DANE Argh! What the fuck is that!?
She opens the passenger door.
SHANICE A cold-sore. What’s it look like?
As she stands up, Dane notices the BULGE in her panties. He SHRIEKS. 97.
DANE And what’s that?
Shanice drops the girly voice.
SHANICE (very gruff) What I’m gonna beat you with if you don’t gimme thirty-five bucks for that blow-job!
Off Dane’s reaction we...
CUT BACK TO:
INT. MORNING VIEW HIGH - GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
Lynn and Mr. Wright slow-dance. He’s quite good.
Missy twerks to a PIANO BALLAD, while Boomer feigns spanking.
Steve finds Sam standing alone, near the door.
STEVEN Hey... you wanna dance?
SAM Only if it’s just a dance you’re looking for.
Steve smiles. They embrace.
STEVEN Trust me, I plan on taking it slow for the rest of my life. Love may be fleeting, but herpes... is forever.
SAM About that... I don’t know what you think I gave you, but I don’t have herpes.
STEVEN You don’t?
SAM No. I’ve been tested. I’m clean.
Steve stops dancing. 98.
STEVEN Well, then what’s all over my junk?
HARD CUT TO:
INT. PLANNED PREGNANCY CLINIC - EXAM ROOM - DAY
DOCTOR JAKE You’ve got chisteez...
Steve sits opposite him, on the exam table.
STEVEN Excuse me?
Lynn, Boomer, and Sam are also there, along with Doctor Jake’s entire class of College Kids.
DOCTOR JAKE Chistezomes... or ‘swimmers itch’ are tiny parasites that live in lakes and other stagnant bodies of fresh water. They burrow under the skin and cause an itchy rash that looks almost exactly like herpes.
Doctor Jake writes Steve a PRESCRIPTION on his tablet.
DOCTOR JAKE (CONT’D) Just apply this cream to the infected area before bed, and it should clear up by Monday.
BOOMER That’s it?
DOCTOR JAKE That’s it. You’re boyfriend’s clean.
STEVEN He’s not my--
DOCTOR JAKE Oh, and next time you two decide to do it in a lake, remember to shower afterwards!
LYNN Sir, my son is not a homosexual. 99.
DOCTOR JAKE I believe you Mrs. Dorkopf. (whispers to his students) I totally don’t.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. UNIVERSITY - FRESHMAN DORMS - DAY
SUPER: “THAT FALL”
SUV’s swarm in-and-out of the parking lot, unloading their son or daughter’s belongings.
I/E MINI VAN - DAY
Lynn has Steve in a death-grip hug again.
LYNN Can’t you just stay home and take online courses?
STEVEN Mom, I’ll be fine. It’s literally twenty minutes from home.
LYNN But it’s still a PUBLIC university!
Mr. Wright intervenes from the back seat.
MR. WRIGHT Give him some air, darling.
With one last squeeze, she lets him go.
LYNN Just be careful... please. And NO PARTIES! Promise me.
Steve hops out of the van.
STEVEN I promise. I’ll be careful.
WHAM! Steve is hit by Boomer’s Car. The STEREO IS BLASTING.
BOOMER Wooooo! Get ready for the full college experience, Steve-o! (looks around) Steve-o? 100.
Steve pops back up, unscathed.
STEVEN I’m alright!
Sam rushes over and hugs him.
SAM Good! Then take these boxes up to our dorm room!
They kiss.
LYNN What does she mean “our” dorm room? There aren’t co-ed dorms are there?
MR. WRIGHT Uhhh...
LYNN Steven? STEVEN! Come back here!
He and Sam walk off, arm-in-arm. Boomer follows.
FADE OUT.
ROLL CREDITS.