Name: ______

Patrol: ______

2007 Act 1 Page Item Your Part 6 Dancing In The Streets 7 Blackout 1 8 Buzz Zip Flap Fly 9 Would The Owner Of… 13 Don’t Tell the Abbott 14 Space Walk 15 Star Trekkin’ 17 Scout Wars 23 12 Pains Of Christmas 25 Mickey Mouse Club 25 It’s a Small World 26 Puff The Magic Dragon 26 Tennessee Wig Walk 27 Zip A Dee Doo Dah 28 Blackout 2 29 Gangsters 30 Broadway Act 2 Page Item Your Part 33 The Safety Rep 37 London Town 37 Pick a pocket or two 38 On The Corner 40 Chim Chim Cheree 41 Free and Frippence Hapenny 43 5 Star Scouting 47 100 Years of Scouting 48 Who Wants to be a… 50 Pirates 51 Buccaneers 53 Impossible Pirates 57 Promises Promises 63 Finale

1 Cast Information

Rehearsals

Cast members are expected to attend every rehearsal. If for any reason you are unable to attend a rehearsal, or will be late, please contact Jan or Cameron before the rehearsal starts. We understand you do have a life outside Gang Show.

Failure to attend rehearsals can cause great disruption to rehearsal schedules and may disadvantage other cast members who are relying on you being there and playing your part.

If you cannot attend a rehearsal because of a work or Scouting/Guiding commitment please write your name and the reason in the absentee book.

Repeated Non attendance at rehearsals will endanger your role in the show.

Extra rehearsals may be held before each 4-7pm Sunday rehearsal at East Gosford. As much notice as possible will be given for these rehearsals

All cast members must continue to attend their regular section activities and meetings during the rehearsal period. Scouting and Guiding activities take precedence over Gang Show activities.

Exceptions to the above are as follows.

The 2nd, 3rd and 24th of June at Camp Kariong are NON-NEGOTIABLE

The 2nd, 3rd and 24th of June at Camp Kariong are NON-NEGOTIABLE

The 2nd, 3rd and 24th of June at Camp Kariong are NON-NEGOTIABLE

No exceptions, No excuses, No Way, No How, No Nothing! Don’t even try. Organise your work shifts NOW!! Tell your coach NOW!! Write it in your parent’s diaries. Put it on the fridge. Do what you have to do but just make sure you are there.

Do you all understand this!! Please make this very clear to your parents!!

2 Words and Actions Cast members are expected to know the words and actions of songs and sketches after the item has been rehearsed for four weeks.

Name Tags

You will be given a name tag at the first rehearsal which will be collected from you at the end of each rehearsal. It is ESSENTIAL that all cast and crew members wear their name tags in a position that can be easily seen. (i.e. around your neck)

Weekend Rehearsal Camp

The weekend rehearsal camp is designed to give the cast the opportunity to practice the large items of the show, and to get to know each other a little bit better. Oh and have loads of fun doing it. You must arrive and leave Camp in Full Uniform. The cast and patrol photographs will be taken at camp.

The weekend is fully catered however you will be required to bring: • Dilly Bag (Knife, Fork, Spoon, Plate, Bowl, Cup & Tea Towel) • Sleeping bag/Pillow • Toiletries/Towel • Warm and Comfortable clothes and clothes to get messy in Note –all personal items should be clearly marked with your name.

Scarves are presented to all new members that attend camp. Please note that you are only ever given one of these scarves so you should take good care of it and wear it with pride. Make sure your name is on your scarf. Under no circumstances is the scarf to be swapped, traded or sold.

Saturday night of the camp is also Klub Kariong. Gang Shows very own exclusive night club open to all members of the show. So bring along your clubbing clothes.

Fees

Each member of the cast is required to pay fees in order to participate in the show. If you have any queries regarding fees, or if you are having problems paying fees, please see Jan as early as possible.

After Party

Full Cast Party - following the last performance there will be a party at District Hall until approx. 12.30am. There is no alcohol at this party - but there is lots of fairy bread, hot finger food and drinks.

3 Ticket Sales

Every Gang Show member is a Ticket Seller as well as a member of the cast or crew. There is no point any of us putting in all the work of rehearsing, making costumes, creating great sets, dancing, singing acting and generally working your butt off if there is no audience to clap and cheer. Sure some of you might be shy now and prefer to sing with your hairbrush in front of the mirror. But just ask any one who has been out there on stage, there is nothing like the feeling of having hundreds of people cheering you on. Also we need to make the money to pay for all this somehow.

Who can I sell tickets to? Friends, Family, your Scout/Guide Group, Teachers, Dance School, Soccer Club, Neighbours, anyone really. Approach your local shops and ask if you can put posters in their windows. Put an article in your School Newsletter, or sport/dance club newsletter, visit the other sections in your group and invite them along and of course don’t forget to bring your favourite Aunty/Uncle or Grandma along to the show. Also get in contact with as many past Gang members as you can –if you know a long lost relative or friend who was once involved in Gang Show invite them along to our very special Red Scarf Night.

Costumes

Cast may be required to go to District Hall before or after rehearsals to try costumes on. This is for your benefit so please make an effort to go if asked.

Website: www.centralcoastgangshow.com.au

Go check it out, slowly but surely we are updating the site. So go have a look and see what’s new. You might even see yourself there.

If you do have some kind of problem, please speak to Jan or Cameron on the numbers below (We prefer if you see us at rehearsals). We don’t bite and we will do whatever we can to help you out.

Jan 4324 6574 Cameron 0416 234615

4 Rehearsal Schedule

Date Place Time Duty Patrol Notes Sunday 25th Feb East Gosford 4-7pm Romance Rebels Sunday 4th March East Gosford 4-7pm Comedy Kings Sunday 11th March East Gosford 4-7pm Action Animals Sunday 18th March East Gosford 9.30am – 4pm Drama Queens Sunday 25th March East Gosford 4-7pm Sci-Fi Freaks Saturday 31st March Camp Kariong 9am Start Mystery Maniacs Camp Sunday 1st April Camp Kariong 3pm Finish All Camp No Rehearsals Easter N/A No Rehearsals Sunday 15th April East Gosford 4-7pm Comedy Kings Sunday 22nd April East Gosford 4-7pm Action Animals Sunday 29th April East Gosford 4-7pm Sci-Fi Freaks Sunday 6th May East Gosford 9.30am – 4pm Romance Rebels Sunday 13th May East Gosford 4-7pm Mystery Maniacs Sunday 20th May East Gosford 9.30am – 4pm Comedy Kings Sunday 27th May East Gosford 4-7pm Drama Queens Saturday 2nd June Camp Kariong 9.00am – 4pm Sci-Fi Freaks All Day Sunday 3rd June Camp Kariong 9.00am – 4pm Action Animals All Day Monday 11th June East Gosford 4-7pm Production Skits only Sunday 17th June East Gosford 4-7pm Romance Rebels Saturday 23rd June Camp Kariong TBA N/A Crew Only Sunday 24th June Camp Kariong 9am - 4pm Mystery Maniacs No Scripts Sunday 1st July East Gosford 4-7pm Drama Queens Sunday 8th July Laycock St 10.30am – 9pm N/A Dress Rehearsal Monday 9th July Laycock St 6pm - 10.30pm N/A Dress Rehearsal Wednesday 11th July Laycock St 6.15pm – 11.30pm N/A Performance Thursday 12th July Laycock St 6.15pm – 11.30pm N/A Performance Friday 13th July Laycock St 6.15pm – 11.30pm N/A Performance Saturday 14th July Laycock St 12.30pm-11.30pm N/A Performance Sunday 12th August District Hall 5.30pm Onwards Everyone Reunion

Jobs & Information for Duty Patrols

Each patrol will be rostered on for duty patrol as per the duty roster. We expect the whole patrol to stay for a few minutes after the rehearsal finishes to help with the duties. So please inform your parents.

Duty Patrol will be in charge of: • Opening and closing parades. • Setting up the flag, Folding the Flag at end of rehearsal • Moving the refreshment boxes to and from the Guide hall • Getting Fans out if hot • Close windows, switch off heaters, put fans away • Sweeping out the hall Dancing In The Street Words &Music: Marvin Gaye, Ivy Hunter & William Stevenson

5

A Introduction

B Callin' out around the world Are you ready for a brand new beat? Summer's here and the time is right For dancing in the streets They're dancing in Chicago (Chicago) Way down in New Orleans (New Orleans) Up in New York City

C All we need is music, sweet music There'll be music everywhere There'll be swinging and swaying and records playing And dancing in the streets

D Oh, it doesn't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy grab a girl Everywhere around the world They'll be dancing They're dancing in the street

E This is an invitation Across the nation A chance for folks to meet There'll be laughter, singing and music swinging And dancing in the streets

F Philadelphia, P.A. (Dancing in the streets) Baltimore and DC now (Dancing in the streets) Can’t forget the Motor City, Oh

G All we need is music, sweet music There'll be music everywhere There'll be swinging, swaying and records playing And dancing in the street, Oh

H It doesn't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy grab a girl Everywhere around the world. (We’re gonna dance)

I All we need is music, sweet music There’ll be music everywhere There'll be swinging, swaying and records playing And dancing in the street, oh

J Oh, it doesn't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy grab a girl Everywhere around the world Dancing in the street. We’re gonna dance, We’re gonna dance, Dancing in the street. We’re gonna dance, We’re gonna dance, Dance, Dance. Dance, Dance, Dance Dance, Dance, Dance Dance, Dancing in the street.

6 BLACKOUT 1 Words: Darran Swain

FEMALE SITTING AT A DESK WITH PHONE AND COMPUTER. OVERHEAD SPOT WOULD BE ENOUGH JUST TO HIGHLIGHT THE AREA.

Assistant: Welcome to Trust Me Communications, how may I help you?

Certainly Ma’am, please tell me your name, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, account number, secret password, pin number, name of first born, eye colour, capital of Nepal……

Blackout

7 BUZZ ZIP FLAP FLY Words: Michael Richards Music: Mark Fisher

A Introduction

B Buzz, zip, flap, fly Buzz, zip, flap, fly Can you stop your spraying please As we go flying by Zip, fly, buzz, flap Zip, fly, buzz, flap Can you stop your efforts please To kill us in your trap

C All We’re here to tell the story of insects and their plight To beg and plead you won’t kill anymore of us tonight You see we’ve been the victim of the human race too long So listen to our story as we sing our woeful song

D Mozzie G’day I am a Mozzie I’m the fav’ of all you lot I’ll buzz you while you’re sleeping or I’ll bite you when it’s hot But you don’t seem to like that I’m attracted to your blood So you spray yourself with aeroguard or splash yourself with mud

E Buzz, zip, flap, fly Buzz, zip, flap, fly Can you stop your spraying please As we go flying by Zip, fly, buzz, flap Zip, fly, buzz, flap Can you stop your efforts please To kill us in your trap

F Blow Fly I had a friend named Louie a great bloke ‘til he died Around the tips, the garbage and the barbies Louie flied Then some sadistic mother saw him on the T.V. screen And thought she’d be protective so she sprayed him with Mortein

G Spider The red back on the toilet seat the huntsmen with no web Daddy long legs in the corner and the nice old funnel web We never ever bother you but boy you make a fuss When you meet us unexpected you just yell and scream at us

H Buzz, zip, flap, fly Buzz, zip, flap, fly Can you stop your spraying please As we go flying by Zip, fly, buzz, flap Zip, fly, buzz, flap Can you stop your efforts please To kill us in your trap

I Cockroach We eat in all the restaurants of course the best in town And at banquets by the dozens in tuxedos we’ll be found We love your kitchen cupboards they’re a great place to get fed But now instead of caviar it’s cockroach bait instead

J Bee To be a bee or not to bee it really if such fun To watch you run off screaming after you have just been stung You like the taste of honey and on that we will agree But pay the cost when shopping then you won’t get stung by me

K Buzz, zip, flap, fly Buzz, zip, flap, fly Can you stop your spraying please As we go flying by Zip, fly, buzz, flap Zip, fly, buzz, flap Can you stop your efforts please To kill us in your trap

8 WOULD THE OWNER OF…

Harry is standing at back in OP aisle – in audience from beginning of show Just after overture, compare moves to centre and says…

COMPERE: Ladies and gentlemen. Good evening / afternoon. Before we start the next item, we have an important announcement……

At this point, Beryl is ushered across front of audience. She argues with the usherette about the number and row of the tickets. Usherette moves away to see if there has been a mistake outside. Beryl stands in P aisle.

BERYL: Oh sorry, don’t mind me, carry on.

COMPERE: Thank you

ANNOUNCER: Would the owner of a duck-egg blue Commodore, Registration number ‘ARS- 007’ please shift your vehicle, as it is blocking the emergency exit. Thank you.

After a slight pause

HARRY: Hey, that’s mine! (He rushes out)

BERYL: Yeah, hurry up. Get your car out of the way!

COMPERE: Ahem, do you mind?

BERYL: Oh, sorry, do go on. I’m sorry (to audience) I get carried away sometimes. Sorry!

COMPERE: Right, let’s get on with it. This item requires a small explanation about….

Gladys enters theatre and goes to same area where Beryl is standing. Usherette follows, trying to stop her.

GLADYS: See, up here. This is where my seat will be, just like the ticket says!

BERYL: Huh? That’ll be my seat. I was here first!

GLADYS: But what about my ticket, it’s right here.

COMPERE: It might be the right seat, but you’ve probably come on the wrong night!

GLADYS: I demand my seat!!!

COMPERE: (turns away in disgust) Take her somewhere else please! This never happened at Woy Woy Little Theater!!

BERYL: Yeah, take her away so you can find me a good seat !! I’ll wait right here !

The two girls shape up to fight, but usherette takes Gladys away, Man (Harry) re-enters and goes to seat.

9 HARRY: At last I can see the rest of the show !

GLADYS: Yeah, not like some of us who can’t see it at all !

HARRY: Oh no! Not another one.

Beryl: (disgruntled) What do you mean “another one” ?

COMPERE: He means another interruption to this announcement. As I was saying. The item requires…

ANNOUNCER: Would the owner of a duck-egg blue Commodore, registration number “ARS- 007”, please move his vehicle as it is parked in a “NO PARKING” zone.

(PAUSE) A load groan from Beryl. Compare taps foot in disgust. Harry stands there, oblivious to the announcement.

BERYL: Well, are you going to shift your car, or get it towed away?

HARRY: That wasn’t my car, was it?

COMPERE: Yes it was a duck-egg blue Commodore.

HARRY: Oh No !!

He rushes out. Silence. Then we hear, as though from across a room O/S on mic.

GLADYS: Maybe I can watch from here?

ANNOUNCER: What’s all this…?

GLADYS: Oh, they said I could watch from here, as long as I didn’t make a sound.

ANNOUNCER: What…What…?

GLADYS: Don’t worry, it’s alright, just as long as that load mouth tart in the aisle can’t hear me.

Beryl realizes it is her.

BERYL: Hey, that’s me! What do you mean load mouth TART!! Hey!

GLADYS: Just what I said, “load mouth”. We can here you from back here. Isn’t that right?

BERYL: Load mouth hey ?! Well just come down here and say that!

GLADYS: No! You come up here!

BERYL: No! You come down here!

GLADYS: Yes, come out here, I’ll get you and I’ll…

10 As this happens, Beryl starts to climb on seats and wave fists about.

COMPERE: Would you settle down please. Get down and be quiet please. Hey loud mouth!

She turns to face him still fighting.

BERYL: What!?

COMPERE: Sit down and shut up!

BERYL: Oh Okay, (mumble)….

COMPERE: (relieved) Thank you. Now, due to the complexity of the next item, I will attempt to explain. The scene takes place at a typical theatre…

Harry returns in a huff.

HARRY: (to girl) It wasn’t a “No Parking” zone after all.

BERYL: What’s that ?

HARRY: Well it was, but some smarty had shifted the sign around to face the other way.

BERYL: Yeah, well just as long as it’s parked properly now.

COMPERE: Excuse me, would you two mind carrying on your conversation elsewhere please?

BERYL: (put off) Oh alright, sorry.

COMPERE: Now where was I, oh yes…

HARRY: You were telling us about how complex the next item is…

COMPERE: Yes, thank you very much. Who’s doing this, you or me? Yes, so in this theatre, with an audience full of people, the narrator finds himself interrupted by…

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen. Would the owner of a duck-egg blue Commodore, number “ARS-007” please go to your vehicle as it is on fire.

HARRY: On fire! Ha Ha, what a silly thing to happen….HEY! That’s my car! ARGH!!

He rushes out again

ANNOUNCER: Also would the owner of a hot pink Gemini, registration number “CAT-001” please go to your vehicle as you have left your headlights on.

BERYL: Oh, hot pink ! Who’d be seen with a car that colour…HEY, that’s my car!

She rushes out

11 COMPERE: Well done Wayne, good, we’ve got rid of them at last. No more interruptions. Now, in this item, the narrator is being constantly interrupted by three crazy people from the audience who didn’t park their cars properly. They then become so annoyed and angry with the narrator that they break…

HARRY: (over PA) Would the owner of an orange Combi van, registration number “BOM-001”, please attend to your vehicle as it has just blown up.

COMPERE: Orange Combi. Oh, NO ! … That’s my car!

He runs off. Harry and Beryl sneak on stage.

HARRY: Well we finally got him.

BERYL: Yes, teach him to talk to us like that. Who does he think…?

GLADYS: (over PA) Would the owners of a blue Commodore and a pink Gemini PLEASE attend to their vehicles as the hand brakes have been left off and their cars are rolling towards the theater.

Sound of squealing tyres and screeching brakes. Gladys crosses stage victoriously, as the cars crash with blackout.

12 DON’T TELL THE ABBOT Malcolm Lycett Adapted by CCGS

A We know you know we’re monks of Holy order, But what you don’t know is beyond our border, And so we’re going to tell you all our secrets with a wink, But please don’t’ tell a soul ‘cause we’ll end up on the dole, The Abbot, he would put us in the clink.

B Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot mustn’t find out what we do. Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot might get in the habit too.

C We rise at dawn, the birds they are a singing. We do our duty as the bells are ringing, But when the night draws closer you may wonder what we do, We go in search of Jokers, go and have a night of Poker And go all in til the night is through.

D Now Holy Monks so strangely are depicted, Our Holy order it looks so restricted, But when outside the monastery our colours are revealed, We all do footy lessons, keeping fit in outdoor sessions, Kicking balls around the footy field.

E Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot mustn’t find out what we do. Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot might get in the habit too.

F In springtime when the lads they go a lassing, And springtime fever’s here, with winter’s passing And bees and honeysuckle, well they get together then, When we are feeling frisky we all turn towards the whisky, Or Benedictine made for Holy men

G In summer when our robes they are a boiling, The water and the waves they are a calling We head towards the beach, with our board and our towel Then we don our boardies, dropping in on the newbies, Posing as we ride a massive tube.

H Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot mustn’t find out what we do. Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot might get in the habit too.

I Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot mustn’t find out what we do Don’t tell the Abbot, please don’t tell the Abbot, The Abbot might get in the habit too.

13 SPACE WALK Words and Music: Rob Lang & Adam Wardell

A Introduction

B A shooting star will point the way to where you’re going to be A distant planet round a sun in a far off galaxy And as we speed at lightning pace we’ll see the sights of outer space And this is what I’ll turn and say, If you wish to come with me.

C We’ll drift along between the stars And hitch a ride with the men from mars I’m going on a space walk with you. The milky way’s a galaxy In a tiny part of infinity I’m going on a space walk with you.

D The stars are stepping stones along a highway of dreams Each one of them’s a wish that will come true And challenges are never quite the things that they seem It’s just an opertunity or two.

E We’ll spin around on Saturn’s ring To take us on a cosmic fling I’m going on a space walk with you.

F We’ll drift along between the stars And hitch a ride with the men from mars I’m going on a space walk with you. The milky way’s a galaxy In a tiny part of infinity I’m going on a space walk with you.

G The stars are stepping stones along a highway of dreams Each one of them’s a wish that will come true And challenges are never quite the things that they seem It’s just an opertunity or two.

H We’ll spin around on Saturn’s ring To take us on a cosmic fling I’m going to a place for all the human race I’m going on a space walk with you.

14

STAR TREKKIN’ Words and Music: The Firm (Lister/John O'Connor)

A Introduction

B Star Trekkin' across the universe, On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk. Star Trekkin' across the universe, Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.

C Lt. Uhura, report. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow; there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.

D Analysis, Mr. Spock. It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow; there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.

E Star Trekkin' across the universe, On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk. Star Trekkin' across the universe, Only going forward, still can't find reverse.

F Medical update, Dr. McCoy. It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim; it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead. It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow; there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.

G Starship Captain, James T. Kirk: Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill; we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men. It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim; it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead. Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow; there's Klingons on the starboard bow, scrape 'em off, Jim.

H Star Trekkin' across the universe, On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk. Star Trekkin' across the universe, Only going forward, and things are getting worse!

I Engineer, Mr. Scott: Ye cannot change the laws of physics, laws of physics, laws of physics; ye cannot change the laws of physics, laws of physics, Jim. Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill; we come in peace, shoot to kill; Scotty, beam me up!

15 It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim; it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead. Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow; there's Klingons on the starboard bow, better calm down!

J Ye cannot change the script Jim. Och, #!*& Jimmy. It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim. Bridge to engine room, warp factor 9. Och, if I give it any more she'll blow, Cap'n!

K Star Trekkin' across the universe, On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk. Star Trekkin' across the universe, Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse. Star Trekkin' across the universe, On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk. Star Trekkin' across the universe, Only going forward, still can't find reverse.

16 SCOUT WARS Original Script George Lucas Adapted By CCGS

(Scene opens dark stage. Sign: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away... Sign turns around Scout Wars Sign runs off Scrolling sign begins.)

Voiceover: It is a period of Scouting unrest. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Guiding Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire Group. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Belayer races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the movement...

(Two Ships fly in from catwalk across the stage in a fierce battle.)

Scene interior rebel ship

A14U: There'll be no escape for Princess Belayer this time.

BELAYER: Help me Obi Wan Akela ! I need to get this Activity form to HQ. I will encrypt it for safe travelling. (shreds document in R2P.E.D.)

(A14U and R2P.E.D leave quickly as Darth Guider enters with Scout Troopers.)

BELAYER: Darth Guider, I should have known.

GUIDER: I want to know what happened to the forms they sent you.

BELAYER: I don't know what you're talking about.

GUIDER: You're a part of the Scouting Movement...and a traitor. Take her away!

TL 1: Darth Guider, the forms are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned (R2 and A1 Roll off in billy cart),but no life forms were aboard.

GUIDER: She must have hidden the forms in the escape pod. Send a unit down to retrieve them.

Scene Planet Surface billy cart stoped at luke’s feet

LUKE: Hi I’m Luke Nighthiker.

A14U: I see, sir Luke.

LUKE: Just Luke.

A14U: And I am A14U, Scout-cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart, R2Shred.

17 LUKE: Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. (pulls out shredded paper) Help Me Obi-Wan Akela. You're my only hope. What is this R2.

A14U: He says he's the property of Obi-Wan Akela. And it's a private message for him.

LUKE: Obi-Wan Akela? I wonder if he means old Ben Akela?

(Enter AKELA)

AKELA: Hello there!

LUKE: Ben? Ben Akela! Boy, am I glad to see you! This little droid claims to be the property of an Obi-Wan Akela. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about?

AKELA: Obi-Wan Akela...Obi-Wan? Now that’s a name I haven't heard in a long time.

LUKE: You know him!

AKELA: Well of course, I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by that name since oh, before the Guide Wars.

LUKE: You fought in the Guide Wars?

AKELA: Yes, I was once a Queen Scout the same as your father. Your father wanted you to have this Mag Light Sabre. For over a thousand generations Scouts were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Days. Before the dark times, before the Guides.

LUKE: How did my father die?

AKELA: A young Scout named Darth Guider, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Movement hunt down and destroy the Scouts. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Scouts are all but extinct. Guider was seduced by the dark side of the Force.

LUKE: The Force?

AKELA: Well, the Force is what gives a Scout his power. Now, let's see if we can't figure out what this message is…I know what this is. Luke you must learn the ways of the Force if we’re going to defeat the dark lord.

LUKE: But where are we going and how will we get there?

AKELA: I know a pilot who will take us.

(Move cross stage to Hans and Chewy)

HAN: I’m Hans Scouter. Captain of the Centenary Falcon. This is my co-pilot Chewrover.

AKELA: We need a fast ship to take us to HQ.

18

HAN: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Centenary Falcon?

AKELA: Should I have?

HAN: It's the ship that made the Lamington run in less than twelve parsecs!

LUKE: That’s fast. (sarcasticly)

HAN: Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. Docking bay Ninety-four.

(Scene ship taking off in background chased by imperial ship).

HAN: It looks like an Imperial cruiser. Try and hold them off. Angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations for the jump to light speed.

LUKE: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast.

HAN: Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself floating home. We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace.

LUKE: What's that flashing?

HAN: We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going to make the jump to light speed.

(Coming out of hyperspace)

LUKE: Look at that small moon.

AKELA: That's no moon! It's a space station.

HAN: Yeah, I think your right. Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power.

LUKE: Why are we still moving towards it?

HAN: We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!

LUKE: But there's gotta be something you can do!

AKELA: You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting.

(Blanket over their heads death star swallows ship in background. Storm troop leaders search around them but cant see them. Storm Troop Leaders exit.)

AKELA: I will take care of the tractor beam

A14U: What’s that R2 The princess is here.

LUKE: We need to save her.

(Scene change to cells.)

19 HANS: What about the guards

LUKE: You distract them.

HANS: How?

LUKE: I can’t think of everything.

HANS: Chewy act like a dog.

CHEWY: Woof

(Storm Troop Leaders go and pat chewy distracting them. Then smacks heads together.)

LUKE: I'm Luke Night hiker. I'm here to rescue you.

BELAYER: You're who?

LUKE: I'm here to rescue you. I've got your R2 unit. I'm here with Ben Akela.

BELAYER: Ben Akela is here! Where is he?

LUKE: Come on!

(Scene Darth Guider and Akela)

GUIDER: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but a Scout; now I am a Guide.

AKELA: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

GUIDER: Your powers are weak, old man.

(Their lightsabers continue to meet in combat. Others run out chased by TL)

LUKE: Look!

AKELA is killed by Darth

LUKE: Nooooooooooo!

BELAYER: Come on! Luke, its too late!

AKELA: Run, Luke! Run!

(Scene Centenary Falcon)

HAN: I hope the old man got that tractor beam out of commission, or this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it! (Chewbacca growls in agreement.)

(Scene Rebel Base)

20 REBEL: You're safe! We had feared the worst.

BELAYER: The battle station has surely tracked us here It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape. You must use the information in this R2 unit to plan the attack. It is our only hope.

(Looking over the shredded plans sticks them together with sticky tape.)

REBEL: You are required to manoeuvre straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Now get to it.

(Scene Fighter ships)

LUKE: All wings report in.

RED SIX: Red Six standing by.

BLUE SIX: Blue Six standing by.

GUIDER: I'll take them myself! Cover me!

WINGMEN: Yes, sir.

LUKE: We're going in full throttle.

BLUE SIX: Right with you, boss.

LUKE: Watch yourself!

RED SIX: I'm hit!

GUIDER: The Force is strong with this one!

(Luke adjusts the lens of his targeting device.)

AKELA: Use the Force, Luke.

(Luke looks up, then starts to look back into the targeting device. He has second thoughts.)

AKELA: Luke, trust me.

(A large burst of Vader's laserfire engulfs Artoo. The arms go limp on the smoking little droid as he makes a high-pitched sound.)

LUKE: I've lost Artoo! (Artoo's beeping sounds die out.)

GUIDER: I have you now.

(Laser fire and imperial wing man dies.)

GUIDER: What?

21 HAN: Yahoo!

WINGMAN: Look out! (Crashes into darth both fall over)

(Vader's ship spins out of control)

HAN: You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!

(The Death Star bursts into a supernova, creating a spectacular heavenly display.)

HAN: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million.

AKELA: Remember, the Force will be with you...always.

22 TWELVE PAINS OF CHRISTMAS Words: Bob Rivers Comedy Group Music: Traditional

A Introduction

B The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: Is finding a Christmas tree.

C The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

D The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

E The forth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Sending Christmas cards Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

F The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Five months of bills Sending Christmas cards Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

G The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Facing my in-laws Five months of bills Oh I hate those Christmas cards Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

H The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me The Salvation Army Facing my in-laws Five months of Bills Sending Christmas cards Oh, Jeez I’m trying to rig up these lights! And finding a Christmas tree

I The eighth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me I WANNA FURBY FOR CHRISTMAS!!! Charities and What do you mean, “Your in-laws” Five months of bills Oh making out these Christmas cards Edith, get me a beer, huh! What we have no extension cords??? And finding a Christmas tree

23

J The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me No Parking spaces DADDY I WANT SOME CANDY Donations Facing my in-laws Five months of Bills Writing out those Christmas cards Hangovers Now why the heck are they blinking? And finding a Christmas tree

K The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me “Batteries not included” No parking spaces BUY ME SOMETHING!!!! Get a job ya bum!!! (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws Five months of Bills Yo Ho!! Sending Christmas Cards Oh Jeez, look at this! One light goes out, they All go out And finding a Christmas tree

L The eleventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Stale T.V. Specials Batteries not included No parking spaces I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!! Charaties (sobbing) She’s a witch! I hate her! Five months of bills Oh I don’t even KNOW half these people! Oh, who’s got the toilet paper Get a flash light!!! I blew a fuse!!! And finding a Christmas tree

M The twelfth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Singing Christmas Carols Stale T.V. Specials Batteries not included No parking spaces WAAAAAH!!!!!!WAAAAAAAH!!!! Charities Gotta make’em dinner Five months of bills I’m not sending them this year, that’s it! Shut up, you! Fine!! If you’re so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!! And finding a Christmas tree

24 MICKEY MOUSE CLUB Words and Music: Jimmie Dodd

A Intro

B Who’s the leader of the club That’s made for you and me M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! There You’re as welcome as can be M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

C Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse! Forever let us hold our banner High! High! High! High!

D Come along and sing a song And join the jamboree! M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

E Who’s the leader of the club That’s made for you and me M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! There You’re as welcome as can be M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

F Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse! Forever let us hold our banner High! High! High! High!

G Come along and sing a song And join the jamboree! M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Mickey Mouse!

IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL Music and Words: Richard Sherman & Robert Sherman

H It's a world of laughter, A world of tears It's a world of hopes, And a world of fears There's so much that we share That it's time we're aware It's a small world after all

I It's a small world after all It's a small world after all It's a small world after all It's a small, small world

25 J There is just one moon and one golden sun And a smile means friendship to ev'ryone Though the mountains divide And the oceans are wide It's a small world after all

K It's a small world after all It's a small world after all It's a small world after all It's a small, small world

PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON Words & Music by L Lipton & P Yarrow

L Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee, Little Jackie Paper lover that rascal Puff, And bought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.

M Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail Jackie kept a lookout perched on puff’s gigantic tail, Noble kings and princes would bow whenever they came, Pirate ships would lower their flag when Puff roared out his name.

N Oh Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

O A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toby. One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

P His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain, Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane. Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave, So Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.

Q Oh Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land …..called……. Hon…..ah… Lee

TENNESSEE WIG WALK Words and Music: Larry Coleman & Norman Gimbel

R I’m a bow-legged chicken, I’m a knock kneed hen Never been so happy since I don’t know when I walk with a wiggle and a giggle and a squawk Doing the Tennessee wig walk.

26

S Hear a tune on the fiddle on a hard wood floor Though I’m broke and weary and my back is sore I walk with a wiggle and a giggle and a squawk Doing the Tennessee wig walk.

T Put your toes together, your knees apart Bend your back, get ready and start Flap your elbows just for luck Then you wiggle and you waddle like a baby duck.

U Won’t you dance with me honey, tap your toes and glide And we’ll always be together side by side, I walk with a wiggle and a giggle and a squawk Doing the Tennessee wig walk Walk with a wiggle, wiggle with a walk And you’re do-in the Tennessee Wig Walk.

ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH Words and Music: Allie Wrubel & Ray Gilbert

V Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay My, oh my, what a wonderful day Plenty of sunshine headin’my way Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

W Mister Bluebird’s on my shoulder It’s the truth, it’s actual Ev’rything is satisfactual Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay Wonderful feeling, wonderful day.

X Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay My, oh my, what a wonderful day Plenty of sunshine headin’my way Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

Y Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay My, oh my, what a wonderful day Plenty of sunshine headin’my way Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

27 BLACKOUT 2 Darran Swain

FEMALE SITTING AT A DESK WITH PHONE AND A COMPUTER.

Assistant: …your extra triple check password please…, your wife’s best friend’s date of birth, your mother’s occupation, your pants size, the last time you bought broccoli, the colour of your house, your…..

Customer: Wait! Just a minute. All I want to know is the time.

Assistant: I’m sorry, the computers are down.

BLACKOUT

Assistant: (In the Blackout) Thankyou for calling!

28 GANGSTERS

29 BROADWAY I Can Do That Words: Edward Kleban Music:Marvin Hamlisch

A Introduction

B I'm watchin' Sis go pit-a-pat Said, I can do that, I can do that. Knew ev'ry step right off the bat, Said, I can do that, I can do that. One morning Sis won't go to dance class, I grabbed her shoes And tights and all, But my foot's too small So, I stuffed her shoes with extra socks, Run seven blocks, In nothin' flat, Hell, I can do that, I can do that I got to class and had it made, And so I stayed, The rest of my life All thanks to Sis (Now married and fat) I can do this. That I can do, I can do that!

Anything Goes Words & Music: Cole Porter

K Introduction

L Times have changed, And we've often rewound the clock Since the Puritans got a shock, When they landed on Plymouth Rock. If today, Any shock they should try to stem, 'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock would land on them!

M In olden days a glimpse of stocking Was looked on as something shocking, Now heaven knows, Anything goes! Good authors too who once knew better words Now only use four-letter words Writing prose, Anything goes! If driving fast cars you like, If low bars you like, If old limbs you like, If Mae West you like, Or me undressed you like, Why nobody will oppose. When every night the set that's smart is

30 Intruding in nudist parties in studios, Anything goes!

N In olden days a glimpse of stocking Was looked on as something shocking, Now heaven knows, Anything goes! Good authors too who once knew better words Now only use four-letter words Writing prose, Anything goes! The world has gone mad today And good’s bad today And black’s white today And day’s night today When most guy’s today That women prize today Are just silly gigolos So I’m not a great romancer I know that your bound to answer When I propose Anything goes!

Puttin’ On the Ritz Words & Music: Irving Berlin

O Introduction

P Have you seen the well-to-do Up and down Park Avenue On that famous thoroughfare With their noses in the air High hats, and arrow collars White spats, and lots of dollars Spending every dime For a wonderful time

Q If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits Puttin' on the Ritz Different types who wear a day coat, pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits, Puttin' on the Ritz

R Strolling up the avenue so happy All dressed up like an English chappie, Very snappy, Come lets mix where rockfellers walk with sticks Or um-ber-el-as in their mitts Puttin' on the Ritz

31 S If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits Puttin' on the Ritz Different types who wear a day coat, pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits, Puttin' on the Ritz

T Strolling up the avenue so happy All dressed up like an English chappie, Very snappy, Come lets mix where rockfellers walk with sticks Or um-ber-el-as in their mitts Puttin' on the Ritz.

It Don’t Mean A Thing Words:Irving Mills Music:Duke Ellington

C Introduction

D It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing Doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah It don't mean a thing, all you gotta do is sing Doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah

E It makes no difference if it's sweet or hot, Just give that rhythm everything you got,

F No it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing Doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah

G What good is melody? What good is music? If it ain't possesin something sweet it ain't the melody, it ain't the music There's something else that makes the tune complete

H Doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah Doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah

I It makes no difference if it's sweet or hot, Just give that rhythm everything you got, No, It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing ain't got that swing, ain't - got – that – swing

J Don’t mean a thing It don’t mean a thing It don’t mean a thing

It makes no difference if it's sweet or hot, Just give that rhythm everything you got, No, It don't mean a thing if it ain't - got – that – swing.

32 THE SAFETY REP Steve Osborn

ALL: The lights go down and the “crew” enter… there is no action on stage immediately but some mumbled discussion that must be heard from the auditorium.

VOICE OVER: What’s going on down there? [Spots come on somewhat unevenly]

ALL: More mutterings. [The “Crew” moves into the front of stage light.]

VOICE OVER: Come on … we’re got a show to put on here…

ALL: Muttering becomes more urgent [The “crew” push the rep forward.]

THE REP: On behalf of the Central Coast Gang Show Back Stage Safety Committee I, we demand to talk to the Stage Manager.

VOICE OVER: Just get on with it.

THE REP: I and my brothers demand…

GIRL CREW: …and sisters…

THE REP: Quite right, I and my brothers and sisters demand to speak to the Stage Manager.

VOICE OVER: O.k. you’re talking to the Stage Manager. Now come on lets get on with changing the set.

ALL: More mutterings … [The Rep is urged to speak again.]

THE REP: We … the Stage Crew have formed a Safety Committee.

VOICE OVER: Great! ... Can we talk about this later?

ALL: More mutterings… [The Rep is once again urged forward.]

THE REP: We have a list of items…. [Flourishes a sheet of paper]

ALL: [Nods of agreement]

VOICE OVER: That’s good …. [Sarcastic…. There start to get angry] Now can we have the set changed?

ALL: More mutterings …. [The Rep is once again urged to speak.]

THE REP: We the undersigned [nods of agreement] demand that the Management of the Central Coast Gang Show provide the following improvements to the working conditions of the Stage Crew.

One …. Supply safety boots.

33 ALL: [During the next sequence the “Stage Crew” give nods of agreements and occasional “yes” or “no” you tell him brother” etc.]

VOICE OVER: What!

THE REP: Two …. Provide a minimum of 20 % of lighting when sets are being moved.

VOICE OVER: But!

THE REP: Three …. Tea breaks every fifteen minutes.

VOICE OVER: Three! Three tea breaks every fifteen minutes! That’s a tea break every five minutes.

THE REP: No! No! Item three – one tea break every fifteen minutes.

CREW MEMBER: I don’t think my bladder could take 72 cups of tea a show….

THE REP: Four …. Laundry service for our clothes.

VOICE OVER: You don’t want me to wash them personally! [Sarcastically]

THE REP: If you want to, but just a Laundromat would do.

VOICE OVER: Is that all? [A note is obviously passed from the wings and finds its way to the Rep who reads it.]

THE REP: Five …. Supply the Lighting Crew with sun glasses.

VOICE OVER: What! [A second note arrives]

THE REP: Ray Bans [The spots bounce a nod of agreement.]

VOICE OVER: Ray Bans!

THE REP: The Lighting Crew want Ray Bans and …. And …. 15 plus sun screen. [The spots again bounce in a nod of agreement]

VOICE OVER: Where’s Jeff Kennett when you need him? Doesn’t the audio department want something? [Sarcastically]

[A note is hurriedly passed]

THE REP: The Audio Department wants ergonomic consoles.

VOICE OVER: Anyone else?

[A note is passed from the Orchestra]

THE REP: The Orchestra want back support cushions and chap sticks.

VOICE OVER: What?

34 THE REP: The Orchestra want back support cushions and chap sticks. You know the little stick thing to stop brass sections lips cracking when they….

VOICE OVER: O.k. I know what chap sticks are …. [Followed by silence]

[Silence continues]

THE REP: We are awaiting your response.

VOICE OVER: We will consider your requests, in the mean time lets get on with the show.

THE REP: We (indicating the others) have blacked the ….the ….movement of all sets on this stage….

VOICE OVER: That more than lighting has done.

THE REP: We have blacked the movement of all sets on this stage until we have had a suitable response from the management.

VOICE OVER: And what …. Pray tell, is a suitable response mmm?

THE REP: Yes.

VOICE OVER: Listen …. What is a suitable response?

THE REP: Yes.

VOICE OVER: Have you gone deaf? WHAT .. IS .. A .. SUITABLE .. RESPONSE?

THE REP: “Yes” is a suitable response.

VOICE OVER: Look! How can the audience be impressed or even pleasantly surprised with the stage crew stomping about on stage dressed in steel capped boots in a black out, that isn’t black because we have 20 lux of light, with the lighting crew well oiled in their 15 plus sun screen and their Ray Banned eyes, while the Orchestra lounging back on their back support cushions stokes up a tune played through its crack protected lips and all amplified by the Audio Crew that will only work if they can have ergonomicly designed consoles, provided the whole lot isn’t on a tea break. In the mean time I’ll run down to wipe the noses of the Cast Members, on my way to an all night G.P. or even better a psychiatrist that works past tee off time on a [the day of the week] who will either send me off on a stress claim, provided its not the exclusive shelter of State Bank and Education Department employees or I wake me up and find its all a bad dream. [Panting coming over speaker]

[All remain stationary in total silence for a while as if stunned.]

THE REP: I take it you agree. [Crew move down stage to line up with Rep]

VOICE OVER: Oh all right you can have the boots and the 20 lux.

THE REP: The tea breaks?

VOICE OVER: Yes.

35

THE REP: The Ray Bans?

VOICE OVER: Yes.

THE REP: Chap sticks?

VOICE OVER: Yes, yes, yes! You can have it all. And is there anything else you clowns would like?

THE REP: No sir, that’s all we could possibly want. It’s a pleasure to do business with you sir. (Other members of the crew line up with him and defer to the producer, waving and nodding to the back stalls.)

THE REP: That’s all sir, thank you.

(Lights down as crew leave stage, chatting among them selves, follow spot on The Rep as he turns, picks up a broom or similar and saunters to rear stage. Suddenly he stops, turns around and, yells out.

THE REP: Well what are you waiting for? Do I have to come up there and start the show as well!

36 LONDON TOWN Word & Music: Ralph Reader

A Intro

B London Town is a magic town, and it all belongs to me. By my side, is pride, All a glow as I walk by her riverside. London Town in an April gown and a sun-kissed English sky, Is warm and fair, for this is where the Queen rides by. Me oh my proud am I, Just to work here and live here and die.

C You can keep your Vienna and gay Paree Broadway may be O.K. but it’s not for me. If you want to feast on the mystic East, It isn’t what I live for. Let me be, where I see, it is me! I’m in love with a wonderful town I know, And it’s still the worlds best show.

D London Town is a magic town, and it all belongs to me. By my side, is pride, All a glow as I walk by her riverside. London Town in an April gown and a sunkissed English sky, Is warm and fair, for this is where the Queen rides by. Me oh my proud am I, Just to work here and live here and die.

PICK A POCKET OR TWO Lionel Bart

E Intro

F In this life one thing counts: In the bank large amounts! I’m afraid these don’t grow on trees, You’ve got to pick a pocket or two. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two, boys. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two! Large amounts don’t grow on trees, You’ve got to pick a pocket or two.

G Why should we break our backs Stupidly paying tax? Better pick a pocket or two. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two, boys. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two! Why should we all break our backs? Better pick a pocket or two.

H Robin Hood, what a crook! Gave away what he took, Charity’s fine, subscribe to mine, Get out and pick a pocket or two You’ve got to pick a pocket or two, boys. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two! Robin Hood was far too good, Get out and pick a pocket or two.

37

ON THE CORNER Ralph Reader

It is night time on almost any corner in any town. Four teenagers enter. They are scruffily dressed, and typical of certain types of the younger generation. Strangely enough they are also likeable in a sympathetic way. They are talking as they enter.

No.4 It’s the same everywhere. Stop your yapping and keep quiet.

No.1 But I told ya, didn’t I? I told ya! I warned ya!

No.3 So you warned us. Warned us about WHAT? No.1 I said to ya, I said, “Keep away from Piccadilly tonight. The place is alive with Coppers.” We’d have had the place to ourselves if we’d gone to Soho.

No.4 Well what do you think all them Coppers are doing here, then?

No.2 Maybe they’ve heard somebody’s parked a car in the wrong place.

No.1 Coppers ain’t like us. They ain’t got no ambition.

No.4 That’s right! Hey! Look out! (Three or four very smart Scouts cross over in uniform from stage right, followed by two Army cadets and two Sea cadets. Finally a Vicar crosses from stage left. They all walk across quite naturally and exit).

No.2 Did you see that lot? No wonder the Cops are here. This place wants cleaning up.

No.3 Scouts – Cadets – Parsons. Mind you, I wouldn’t mind being a Parson!

No.4 You WHAT?

No.3 Being a Parson. They get a lot of dough.

No.2 Get away with ya.

No.3 They do and I know it. My mother made me go to Church with her the other Sunday and you know what? It took eight men to collect all the dough.

No.1 Git out of it. You’d think wearing them starched collars would give ‘em a stiff neck.

No.2 You needn’t worry about that. You’ll never be wearing one.

No.1 Don’t be too sure. You never can tell. I know a lot of people who’ve been convicted.

No.3 I bet you do.

No.1 Well - whatever they call it.

No.3 Converted.

No.1 Alright, then, converted! What about Frankie Baker, aye? What about him?

38

No.4 Alright, you tell us. What about Frankie Baker?

No.1 Twelve months ago there was nobody who could sell Purple Hearts like he could. And when we did some nicking, there was nobody who could get rid of it quicker than Frankie.

No.3 What’s he doing now?

No.1 He joined the Army.

No.4 Joined the army? I bet he ain’t selling much now?

No.1 Don’t you believe it. He’s out every Saturday night in the Pubs selling “The War Cry”.

No.2 “The War Cry” Coo luv-a-duck. You never can tell, can ya? Is that what they mean when they say they’ve seen the light?

No.1 I suppose so, but don’t worry mate, you won’t ever get dazzled!

1st Man (A man enters and walks across. As he passes the four urchins he raises his hat, says “Good Evening, boys” and walks off, leaving the urchins staring off after him in amazement).

No.3 ‘ERE!!! What does he think we was?

No.2 “What does he think we was?” Ain’t you ever been to school? What do you think we IS!!

No.4 (Stepping forward and looking into space) I was thinking!! Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich handsome gent, who’s like to mary a pretty girl like me?

No3. (looking off to stage right) Look out, watch it! (A policeman enters. The urchins stand in line looking the picture of innocence. The policeman walks right by them then stops, turns and eyes them up and down).

No.1 You lost? (The policeman shakes his head).

No.2 Did you want to know the time? (again he shakes his head).

No.1 (Speaking from the side of his mouth), I told you all coppers were dumb!

Police: Just been to Choir practice? (They all nod their heads). Nice Hymns? (They nod again). What did you sing?

No.2 Rescue the Perishing.

Police: Don’t hang round here then, Off home with you lot! (He exits)

No.3 Coo luv-a-duck. It ought to be against the law to have coppers.

No.1 (looking off stage left). Hey what’s this? Quick, action stations! (They get into positions as a second man enters, well dressed and carrying a carrier bag).

39 No.2 (Politely stopping the man centre stage). Excuse me, sir! Could you oblige me with the directions to the railway?

2nd Man: Of course. (He puts the carrier bag down just behind him and looks at the map. As he is doing this No.1 takes a paper bag from out of the carrier bag and slips back in his place). Now, if you go down this street and turn right. Up the Hill, turn left and there it is.

No.2 Thankyou Sir! Thankyou.

2nd Man: Not at all. You’re most welcome. Good evening (He picks up the carrier bag and exits).

No.1 Nice work. Did you see the way I done that? Slick!

No.4 Open it quick. Might be bank notes.

No.3 Might be anything. Let’s have a look. Go on, open it!

No.2 Keep your eyes open for cops. (The two end urchins look off stage). Let’s see what it is. Are we going to be lucky? (No.1 opens the paper bag and looks in. Then he drops it and screams).

No.3 What is it? What is it?

No.1 Don’t go near it. DON’T TOUCH IT!

No.2 WHAT IS IT?

No.1 It’s ---SOAP!!! (They all scream). BLACKOUT

CHIM CHIM CHER-EE Words & Music: Richard Sherman and Robert Sherman

I Intro

J Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-ee A sweep is as lucky, as lucky can be Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-oo Good luck will rub off when I shakes ‘ands with you Or blow me a kiss and that’s lucky too.

K Now, as the ladder of life ‘as been strung, You may think a sweep’s on the bottom most rung, Though I spends me time in the ashes and smoke, In this ‘ole wide world there’s no ‘appier bloke.

L Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-ee A sweep is as lucky, as lucky can be Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-oo Good luck will rub off when I shakes ‘ands with you

40 Or blow me a kiss and that’s lucky too.

M I choose me bristles with pride, yes, I do A broom for the shaft and a brush for the flue Though I’m covered with soot from me ‘ead to me toes A sweep knows ‘e’s welcome wherever ‘e goes.

N Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-ee A sweep is as lucky, as lucky can be Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-oo Good luck will rub off when I shakes ‘ands with you Or blow me a kiss and that’s lucky too.

O Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled “tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep world Where there’s hardly no day nor hardly no night there’s things half in shadow and half way in light On the roof tops of London Cor’ what a sight.

P Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-ee A sweep is as lucky, as lucky can be Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-oo Good luck will rub off when I shakes ‘ands with you Or blow me a kiss and that’s lucky too.

FREE AND FRIPPENCE HAPENNY Words & Music: Ralph Reader

Q Intro

R You’ve heard of all the wealthy in high finance affairs You’ve heard of all the riches of multi-millionaires You’ve heard of men with mansions and castles big and tall And now you’re going to hear of ME cos’ I can beat them all

S Free and frippence hapenny is all that I have got Free and frippence hapenny perhaps it’s not a lot Free and frippence hapenny is not much good to you But free and frippence hapenny is the best that I can do.

T We won’t go any further until you understand That money-wise our prospects are anything but not grand We cannot find a reason to cause us to elate So we press home again the point of our financial state

U One day I had a feeling to go to an hotel I had champagne and oysters and caviar as well When I had finished eating, along then came my fate The waiter said “It’s fifteen quid”, so I said “Listen mate”.

V Free and frippence hapenny is all that I have got

41 Free and frippence hapenny perhaps it’s not a lot Free and frippence hapenny is not much good to you But free and frippence hapenny is the best that I can do.

W I took a quick decision to buy a motor car I went into a garage for a brand new Jaguar The Salesman held his hand out and then he made me blink He said, “I want three thousand pounds” I said “That’s what you think”.

X They issued me a summons. To court I had to go The judge put on a grim look and whispered very low “I fine you just one hundred pounds, although I bear no grudge” I said to him, “I think you will, because you’ve had it judge”.

Y Free and frippence hapenny is all that I have got Free and frippence hapenny perhaps it’s not a lot Free and frippence hapenny is not much good to you But free and frippence hapenny is the best that I can do.

Z My girl is such a film fan, she’d see one every night She’s always saying “Take Me” and thinks I’ll say “Alright” Last night it was the Odeon, so calmly I replied “The only way we’ll do it is you meet me inside”.

AA I tried to see the Gang Show but couldn’t get a seat A bloke from the Black Market, he promised me the treat He said “Just hand me fifty quid and I’ll see that you go Said I, “If I had fifty quid I’d buy the blinking show”.

AB Free and frippence hapenny is all that I have got Free and frippence hapenny perhaps it’s not a lot Free and frippence hapenny is not much good to you But free and frippence hapenny is the best that I can do.

42 5 STAR SCOUTING

The set should be divided into two sections, stage right & stage left. There is a dividing wall between the two sections with an adjoining door. Set right is a`5 star' hotel foyer - plush carpet runner, reservations desk facing downstage, pot plants, chairs etc. A sign at the back says “Harrisfeild Hotel". Set left is a hotel room containing double bed, cupboards, chairs, sofa, tv, coffee table, bedside cabinets, etc. This must look like a real hotel room not just a box or two and a kitchen chair.

SCENE ONE Curtain opens as lights come up on the right hand side of the stage. Left side stays as dark as possible. As lights are rising female receptionist is completing phone call.

Receptionist: (On Phone) Yes sir. Enjoy your stay at the Harrisfield Hotel. (Hangs Up)

Manager: (enters from left) I hoped I’d find you here…Alone…

Receptionist: I’ve been waiting …Alone.

(Manager moves behind desk, they embrace and sink slowly behind the reception desk. Patrol enters looking wet and bedraggled wearing raincoats and ponchos which they begin o take off. Each Scout also carries a full daypack.)

Mac: This is better! Looks like the sort of place Sylvester Stallone would book into for the night.

Wes: We’re not looking for anyplace to ‘book into’, just somewhere to wait until the rain stops.

Scott: (With Tony Greig Accent) Oy Preedict ett shoouldent loort much longer with the weend coming frum the south eeast et abeert twenty knots.

Peter: What was that supposed to be?

Lisa: That was supposed to be Tony Greig – He ants to be a sports Journalist.

Peter: Learning to be a sports Journalist by watching Tony Greig is like learning how drive a car by watching…

Doc: Enough of that you lot. Don’t you think it would be nice if we could stay the night here? We need a plan!

Mac: We could use force!

Lisa: Or charm.

Peter: Or money.

Scott: Or Brains (Pointing at doc who is looking behind the reception desk)

Doc: (Reappearing) Or Blackmail.

43

(Manager and receptionist appear from behind the desk looking rather dishevelled)

Doc: Now my good man, we would like one of your better rooms for the night , at no charge of course.

Manager: (Scornfully) And what makes you think you can demand a room little boy?

Doc: (Stepping up onto a chair next to the Desk) Because, Big man, my name is Doc Harrisfeild. My Grandfather owns this hotel and if he finds out that the receptionist was giving you a bigger reception than the guests… Does the word “dole queue’ mean anything to you?

Manager: Why you blackmailing little… (doc picks up the phone on reception desk) Will ocean views be alright sir?

Peter: (to Doc) You’re not really serious about staying here are you? What about Brolga and Skip, they will think we’re all tucked up safe and sound in our tents back at camp.

Mac: So what! We go to this room, have a bit of fun, watch TV while we dry off and get back to camp before the sun comes up. They’ll never know the difference.

Wes: Sounds good to me.

Doc: Then we agree. Lead on my good man.

SCENE TWO Lights fade as man leads scouts across stage. After a few seconds of blackout the lights rise on the left set manager opens the door and the scouts all troop into the room and carefully place their gear in a line at the end of the bed. They then turn to look at the manager until he leaves. Scouts now go berserk, except wes and doc: jumping on the bed and the sofa, lisa heads straight offstage into the bathroom, running water and hairdryer noises are heard.

Wes: Wow! This is a great idea. What a room. Doc, I didn’t know your grandfather owned hotels. (all stop to Listen to answer)

Doc: He doesn’t. My grandfather is a retired school teacher living down at the Bay. The closest he’ll ever come to owning a hotel is a game of Monopoly.

Wes: Doc, You’re incredible.

Peter: He’s nuts. We’re going to get into so much trouble.

Mac: Don’t be a wooss Pete. Just enjoy the moment.

Scott: (Lying on the bed) If Old skip could see us now…

Peter: If old skip could see us now his pacemaker would blow up

Wes: Not to mention his temper.

44

Scott: They don’t make scout leaders like they used to.

Wes: Remember that time when he forgot to take his glasses on holidays…

Mac: Yeah. To this day he…

Peter: But his heart’s in the right place.

Doc: It has to be they stitched it there after his last bypass operation.

Lisa: (Parading around in dressing gown looking at herself in the mirror) But surely there’s an age limit on being a scout leader?

Peter: Sure there is but he’s got years to go yet.

Lisa: (Removing Dressing gown and putting it into a pack) How old is he?

Peter: 27… but eight years of rovers really knocks a person about.

Doc: (reading TV Guide) Wow. Check this out. They have twenty four hour videos in this place, on six different channels.

Wes: So what’s on?

Doc: Channel One “Good time Girls” in brackets Blue.

Mac: What does that mean?

Doc: Dunno…Blue…Must be made by the Guides, don’t want to watch that. Channel two Arnold Schwartzenegger and the revenge of Predator 2.

All: Yeah…Excellent…

(All sit infront of tv except lisa.)

Lisa: (Packing more gear away) You lot are incredible. You’re in a five star hotel and all you can do is watch TV.

Mac: What could be better than watching TV?

Peter: Maybe we could go looking for stars?

Wes: What???

Peter: Looking for stars. This is a five star hotel. doesn't that mean there are at least 5 big name stars staying at any one time?

Doc: Is he for real?

Lisa: I’m afraid so. You know that kid David in Magpie patrol?

Doc: You mean the one whose father owns a dairy farm.

45 Lisa: Yeah him. Well he came to Scouts one night and said that his Dad just paid $1000 to get his prize cow serviced. Einstein here (POINTING TO PETER) said "One thousand bucks, What a rip off. My Dad gets our car serviced at K- mart for only $30."

Mac takes the remote and begins changing channels. Tv is facing away from the audience with characters facing the a audience.

Mac: Look at that

Scott: (IMITATING HIS ACTION) How do they do that

Wes: That's disgusting. ow could they show that on television.

Doc: I don't know, she doesn't look that bad to me.

All except lisa who has finished taking stuff and is now closing all the packs join around to watch the set with lots of craning of necks and oohs and ahhs. Lisa marches to the set has a look and then walks to the front of the stage and addresses the audience.

Lisa: (WHISPER) You want to know what they're really watching? Do you? (NORMAL VOICE) ???? You didn't think it would be anything else did you? Shame, shame, shame.

A few more moments of channel flicking and playing around and the door opens and instep skip and brolga.

Skip: Ah hah! The elusive wolf patrol - so we've finally tracked you down.

Doc: You see Skip, we heard these screams from the window and being good Scouts.

Brolga: Don't give us that you tale telling tycoon. We got the whole story from Romeo and Juliet in the foyer.

Peter: Does this mean?

Skip: You bet! Back to camp in the rain. Hup, Two, Three, Four.

They all line up, grab their packs and march out in single file

Brolga: (BY THE DOOR - AS THEY PASS) Straight back to camp and to bed on the double. We'll be back straight after we fix up this mess. (CLOSES DOOR)

Brolga &skip look at each other and an idea dawns, skip sits in the chair, grabs the remote and puts his feet on the table.

Brolga: (PICKING UP THE PHONE) Hello? Room Service?

46 100 Years of Scouting

47 WHO WANTS TO BE… John Redmond

Voice over: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a special event in tonight’s show. We invite your to join us as we take a candid look at some of TV’s most famous figures, and peek into their daily lives.

(Tired teenager staggers into kitchen, half asleep in pyjamas, everyone else having breakfast, all prepared for school, work. Daughter sits down. Dads face hidden by newspaper)

Dad: (Wrenching newspaper down) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!

Girl: No dad….

Dad: THEN LET ME TELL YOU?!(As dad speaks everyone starts running around in a panic, trying to get things ready.)

Dad: IT’S NOT 11 PM, IT’S NOT 10 PM, ITS NOT 8:42, IT’S NOT 7:54! IT’S NOT 4.11, IT’S NOT 7.19! IT’S NOT 11.45, IT’S NOT 3.30, IT’S NOT 6.15! IT’S NOT 4.44 AND A BIT! IT’S 8:47! THAT’S RIGHT 8:57! 8:57! 8:57! AND YOU KNOW SCHOOL STARTS AT 9 AM! 9 AM! NOW GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE YOU MISS THE BUS! THAT’S RIGHT; THIS OFFER IS NEVER TO BE REPEATED! NEVER TO BE REPEATED! NOW GO, GET ON YOUR TRUCK! GET ON YOUR TRAILER! JUST GO! GO!

Fade to next area

(Fade up to another breakfast scene, with different family members. Dad, older son, Robbo, at table)

Dad: Hello, and welcome back to another instalment of breakfast. When we were here last I believe dinner was on, were we not Robbo?

Robbo: Yes, we were, dad.

Dad: I’ve got a feeling were going to have a pretty interesting breakfast today, your thoughts on that?

Robbo: Yeah, you’re right. There’s a whole load of things that cause a breakfast to be good or note; the cooking, the range of cereals, the weather, but I think with table we have today and ever present air of tiredness that accompanies this time of day, it should be interesting indeed. Very interesting…

Dad: Right, right. Well here we have our first contestant.

(Tired looking boy wanders in, sits down. Father does running commentary on everything he does)

Dad: Okay, our young contender today goes for the toast. He’s got it! Going for the jam now, and oh no! Shock horror! The jam won’t open! This is an unbelievable setback for our younger contender. He brings it to his father who

48 opens the jam! He continues onward, getting a knife as well. He spreads the jam!

Robbo: Yes, look at that spreading perfect consistency, texture. The skill of this spreading is mind blowing.

Dad: Yes. I agree. Oh look, he’s started on the toast! Yes, one bite, two, three and he’s done it! One piece of toast with jam! Oh yeah! (claps)

Fade to last area (Fade up to kitchen, wife making tea, daughter looking for vegemite for toast, and father reading newspaper, face obscured. Daughter becomes exasperated in search for vegemite and asks dad)

Daughter: Dad, where’s the vegemite?

(Father puts down newspaper in front of him, replies “who wants to be a millionaire” style)

Father: Is it A) in the cupboard B) already out C) we’ve run out or D) ask your mum?

(Daughter looks exasperated; she’s done this before, but plays along)

Daughter: Er, I’ll take C.

Father: Are you sure it’s C?

Daughter: Yes, dad

Father: You want me to lock in…. C

Daughter: (Daughter is getting more and more annoyed)Yes

Father: Are you sure? You can still phone a friend, or ask the family or go fifty-fifty; you have all three left? So what’s in gonna be?

Daughter: I’ll go with C

Father: Are you sure?

Daughter: YES!!! (Yelled) (Short Silence….)

Father: So… C? You know, I could give you some money and you can buy some vegemite? (Daughter looks excited, grabs for money, Father snatches it away)

Father: But you said C, so I’ll lock it in… (Father check newspaper again) And the answer is no, we have no vegemite! Guess you’ll have to go without!

(Daughter leaves With a smile, Father puts newspaper on seat to reveal vegemite jar, which he proceeds to eat all of)

Fade To Black

49 Pirates Words and Music: Jeanie Wood

A If you have a mind to sail ‘neath the Jolly Roger Yearn to be the scourge of the Ziederzee Dream you’re finding gold on treasure island Come along and sail with me When the moon is high we use a star to guide us Stormy weather drives us far away Life is full of fun in buccaneering Party night and day

B Ahoy me lads avast me hearties A pirate’s life is waiting on the wave Come board our ship and join the party You needn’t be particularly brave A pirate’s life on the open sea’s A lot more fun than it ought to be There’s fish and chips and rum for tea And we never never miss our mum As we set our sails towards the sun

C We sail away to sea to the north south east west Filling treasure chests with lots of gold Captain Blackjack gives us a piece to keep each. If we go to bed when told When the weather all around is dark and stormy Boatswain Smee he reads a bedtime tale ‘Bout the olden days when pirate kings all ruled The world of sea and sail.

D Ahoy me lads avast me hearties A pirate’s life is waiting on the wave Come board our ship and join the party You needn’t be particularly brave A pirate’s life on the open sea’s A lot more fun than it ought to be There’s fish and chips and rum for tea And we never never miss our mum As we set our sails towards the sun.

50 Where’s Your Buccaneers Words and Music: Adam Wardell

E Introduction

F Melody One Oh it’s great to be a pirate and to sail the seven seas To hear the seagulls screaming and to smell the salty breeze We’re always drinking rum Taking treasure as we please The ocean is our battlefield We’ve many dirty tricks And the sharks on our side And the Captain had a parrot Until it up and died We’re sneaky and suspicious Cause were always quick to hide Just like David Copperfield. No mercy for the cowards We fight them to the end We steal their coats and sink their boats And send them down to Davy Jone’s When you come for dinner You’ll be munching on a rat And if you don’t impress us We’ll splat you like a gnat And quietly dispose of you In seven seconds flat We are devious We’re mischievous Where on Earth’s your bucaneers?

G Melody Two We’re the bucaneers and we sail the seas We will always get your treasure We guarantee Paddling around the horn To every port of call We ‘re happy and we always have a ball With our cutlasses raised into the sky With our flashing of steal We will terrify Walking the plank You’ll do just what we say And as you jump we’ll say hip hip hooray. No mercy for the cowards We fight them to the end We steal their coats and sink their boats And send them down to Davy Jone’s Locker

51

Where the sharks are always at Fishies swim round like acrobats Flying the skull and crossbones flag up high We are devious We’re mischievous Where on Earth’s your bucaneers?

H Melody Three Pirates who sail the seas Bare chests against the breeze Even with a peg leg We can beat you in a brawl We’re smelly and we never wash at all Pirates put down your sword Prepare to come aboard Fly the cross bone flag so high We like to wear the patches on our eyes Load up the cannon We fight them to the end We steal their coats and sink their boats And send them down to Davy Jone’s Land ho you dirty rat We’re all acrobats We’ll make you walk the plank Even if your fat We are devious We’re mischievous Where on Earth’s your bucaneers?

52 IMPOSSIBLE PIRATES Words:

Compere: Ladies and Gentlemen, hundreds of Years ago there existed many pirate ships but none were as well trained and organized than those led by Captain Blunt and his devoted crew.We join Captain Blunt, Bosun Sharp and crew on the deck of an old schooner about to embark upon another day of excitement and adventure.

Captain: Good morning Boson, How did you sleep?

Bosun: Oh quite well sir, under the circumstances.

Captain: Under the circumstances? But you should have been in your hammock.

Bosun: Oh, but I was in Me hammock under the circumstances.

Captain: (Puzzled) Oh.

Bosun: Yes, I was a bit under the weather as well, Sir.

Captain: As well as being under the circumstances (Claps forehead)

Bosun: Something troubling you sir?

Captain: Yes. I was wondering if anyone took the starboard watch last night.

Bosun: Well, I didn’t take it sir. I’ve never stolen a thing in my life.

Captain: Oh come on Bosun, Let’s try and start off on the right foot, shall we?

(Bosun tries to start off on the right foot, as they move to centre stage crew salute)

Bosun: Alright sir, I’ll put me best foot forward.

Captain: Oh. It’s grand to be off to sea again.

Bosun: Grand Sir? Here I am heaving me heart out and we haven’t even left the harbour.

Captain: Don’t worry Bosun, You’ll buck up once we’re under way.

Bosun: That’s what I’m afraid of sir (Reaches)

Captain: Let’s get this schooner out of the harbour now, while it’s still dark.

Bosun: Oh not now Sir

Captain: Well the schooner the better!

Bosun: (Loudly) Cast off please Fellahs- weigh anchor.

Badger: (Off stage) 20 Kilograms, 9? Hectograms, Sir.

53

Cyril: Correct Weight.

Percy: Their racing

Captain: (loudly) Here we go again!

Percy: Funny, weighs the same as it did last time.

Cyril: Funny Yes, but I wish I could say the same for myself.

Captain: Impossible.

(Enter badger)

Badger: I say, you chaps haven’t seen my belaying pin anywhere around have you? I put it down somewhere around about eight bells and I can’t imagine where it might ‘be layin’.

Bosun: Try looking aft (Badger pulls a face) I said after, not daft.

Captain: Oh, I’m surrounded by incompetents!

Percy: Don’t be rude.

Bosun: Have you noticed the sails lately?

Badger: Oh yes, Myers have a pre Christmas sale next week and K-Mart are selling last year’s swim suits for a song.

Bosun: Well start singing sailor, You’re going to need one sooner than you think!

Badger: Did I say something wrong sir?

Bosun: You did. When I said sales mate I meant sails. Those things up there (points up) Hanging from the mast.

Badger: Oh those (looks up)

Bosun: Well, have you noticed them?

Badger: Well…..yes. You can’t really miss them up there, can you Sir? I mean….they’re so obvious really, aren’t they?

Bosun; No, No, No! Have you noticed what they’re doing?

Bosun: Well, they’re not exactly doing the evening three step up three, are they?

Badger: No Sir, They’re just hanging there all limp and floppy.

Bosun: (Exasperated) That’s right, There’s no wind in them

Badger: Oooh, (enraged) Somebody up there hates me.

54 Captain: Right, men, now that we’re at sea there will be no resting until we’ve captured the Spanish treasure ship which I’ve heard is due in these parts any day now. So I want you to keep on your toes.

(Crew all stand on tip toes)

Captain: Stop that! Bosun, why do they always have to take me literally?

Bosun: (who has been heaving his heart out over the rails, back to audience) Alright, which one of you thieving swine’s has taken the Captain’s literally.

Captain: Really Bosun, You’re as bad as the rest of them.

Bosun: Oh am I Sir, isn’t that nice?

Percy: Excuse me, Sir, I want to know if I’ll get consumption for me furrows?

Captain: (Angrily) You what?

Buson: (stepping in) what he means, Sir, is will he get any compensation for his eyebrows. They got singed during yesterday’s gunnery practice.

Captain: The next man that find cause to complain will get fifty lashes.

Bosun: Oh, it’s not his lashes he’s worried about Sir, it’s his eyebrows.

Cyril: Ha, Ha, Ha

Captain: Clap that man in irons.

Percy: I wouldn’t clap him in a circus, Sir.

Badger: (to OP side) Sail ahoy.

Bosun: Action stations, Man the Guns.

(man tries to get into cannon)

Captain: No, not you, get out of there! Ready – aim- (explosion) fire! Good shooting! Now try and making a hole in the other ship you clots. Ready-Aim-

Percy: (interrupting) cease fire, they’re running up the white flag.

Cyril: They’re surrendering.

Badger: The poor fools, they just beat us to it!

Captain: Oh, well men, quickly, ready to board.

(All leave except the Captain and Bosun)

Captain: Bosun, would you like to join the boarding party?

Bosun: I would love to Sir, but I haven’t got a present.

55

Captain: It’s not a birthday party, it’s a boarding party.

Bosun: Oh, I see Sir, presents are not agreeable to both parties.

Captain: Bosun, you do not take presents on a boarding party.

Bosun: Oh, then what do you take?

Captain: Boards, you great haddock.

Bosun: How dare you call me a Haddock.

Captain: I’ll call you a Haddock any time I want to.

Bosun: Very well, if I am a haddock, you’re a sardine.

Captain: There’s something distinctly fishy going on here.

(enter Cyril, battle scarred)

Captain: Alright Cyril, where are all the captives?

Cyril: Percy and Badger are bringing them on Board.

Bosun: Don’t worry sir, we’ll soon cheer them up- if they’re bored.

Captain: Enough of this, I have a battle on my hands.

(Captain holds up his hands for Cyril to inspect)

Cyril: I hope it doesn’t spread.

(Enter Badger and Percy together)

Badger & Percy: Help, Help!

Bosun: What’s the matter now?

Percy: We’re done for

Captain: What happened?

Badger: The hold is full of sea water.

Percy: We’ve got a midship bulge.

Badger: It’s going to the bottom

Cyril: Percy pulled the plug out!

(Holds up large plug on chain, flushing noises)

Blackout

56 Promises, Promises Richard Burgess & Martin Howard

Jacqui: (enters and examine chart on wall) here are the poll results and with four days to the election our polls are soaring.

Janine: ah..no sir…it ah….(turns chart so chart goes down not up)….should be like…..

Jacqui: Then that makes us…92 points behind. (Goes to P) Oh good lord, I guess we will need some policies after all.

Karen: (sitting on desk OP) Oh, damn. Janine you’d better cancel my golf game and get Margaret in here.

Janine: Yes maam. (presses buzzer)

Lisa: (entering) Ah good afternoon….(walks to desk OP)

Karen: Jacqui was just saying that we’re going to need some policies before the election.

Lisa: It hardly seems essential to invite impropriety into the campaign by endeavouring to claim definitive dogma with a mere four days preceding the tabulation of common opinion in accordance with democratic process.

Jacqui: Why, do you have anything better to do? (Cross) Besides, I get the feeling that Victor is getting a little apathetic about the whole affair.

Karen: Mmmmm!

Jacqui: So we’re agreed….Policies, policies….Right! What policies do we need?

Karen: Well, I think the most important one is freeing up tariffs on BMWs!

Jacqui: No, no, no! It’s not about what IS important…..(Cross) It has to be about what the common people want. I think the most important thing to them is tax cuts.

Karen: OK, our stand on taxes is ….”they should go up”.

Jacqui: Down!

Karen: Yes, down. “They should go down”. Right Lisa, taxes to go down.

(all stop and look at Lisa)

Lisa: In line with current economic trends and aligning fiscal policy with that of our nearest pacific neighbours, this government stands by it’s policy of reducing taxes to whatever extent is feasible given the damage done to the economy by the previous government’s rationalist regime. This shall be achieved by the reduction of taxable income for all wage earners, thus lowering the burden of federal infrastructure on each individual taxpayer.

57 Karen: Great, that’s great….(crossover) promising to reduce the tax burden on the public, by reducing their wages, I love it!

Jacqui: Right, one policy down, two to go.

Karen: Three policies, is that enough?

Jacqui: Fewer policies mean fewer broken promises.

Karen: Great, so that can be our next policy. “We promise not to break any promises”. Next….

Jacqui: I think we need a policy on….Education

Karen: The less the better, I say.

Jacqui: Right…(crossover) Keep the common folk ignorant so they don’t know how badly we’re screwing it up!

Karen: And..it stops any young whippersnapper finding a way of stealing our jobs like we did t our predecessors. So our policy on Education is….”Less for everyone”. Lisa?

(All stop and look at Lisa)

Lisa: We believe our hands off approach to education is the core to furthering the independence of our country. We will encourage maturity in our students by implementing a free thinking program in all schools. We will overcome the mass unthinking mentality of our society by removing patronizing overbearing elements who stifle creativity in the classroom. Any members of the education community who revile in this process will be offered compulsory vocational reassignment. This will provoke a previously unseen level of self reliance (??) amongst the youth of the country by completely removing the authorization influence from the class room.

Karen: Super! Great! Let’s do lunch.

Jacqui: (crossover) Ok, that’s our three policies: Taxes, honesty and education. Now publicity. How do we get him into the public eye?

Karen: I suggest surgery..

Jacqui: That’s a great idea. I was thinking more of a photograph. Janine, can you get a photographer in here?

Janine: Yes Jacqui, (phones) I’d like to book a photographer. The electoral off ice of Victor Sensible …about five seconds from now. Thank you. 2..3..4

Photographer: (enters) Good afternoon

Karen: Hi, I’m Karen, This is Jacqui, let’s touch base.

58 Jacqui: Great. Now what we need here is some shots of Victor to make him appeal to the masses. Can you do that?

Photographer: Sure

Karen: Super. Now, he looks a bit old and tired I know, but if you use soft filter or whatever….hey, you know your job, make him look good.

Jacqui: Where do you think would be best. By the mantle? (Jacqui and Karen pose with Victor) With his campaign team? Or more in his natural habitat, lounging in his chair?

Photographer: What usually works best for these shots is showing community concern. Getting in touch with the elderly, or the very young.

Jacqui: Karen, find me a Seniors Citizen.

Karen: Coming right up.

(Karen leaves the office and comes back wheeling an old person who is objecting Crankily and loudly waving things about)

Old Person: Gerroff!! Leave me alone…(hit, hit )

Karen: Settle down, this’ll only take a minute …ow…ow

Old Person: My cup of tea is getting cold.

(Old person is left next to Victor while Karen returns to desk)

Jacqui: Ok, calm down, this won’t hurt a bit.

Old Person: Help me! I need my medication.

Jacqui: Which medication would this be?

Karen: (removing medicine from pocket and holding up) the one that I’ve got.

Jacqui: I see. Now if you behave, you’ll get your medication back. Otherwise…

(Karen puts medication on desk and pulls a hammer out and threatens to pulverize said medication)

Old Person: Oh alright.

Photographer: (arranging Victor) Hand like that…that’s great. Big smile. There.

(Snap, flash, photo taken)

Jacqui: Thank you very much, see that wasn’t so hard now. You’ve helped make this country a better place for me to live.

(Jacqui gives wheelchair a hard push and Old person exits with SFX of wheelchair falling down stairs and Old Person moaning)

59

Karen: Oh ..(realizing that she still has the medication, throws it out of the office and hits the Old Person with it, “Oww”)

Jacqui: Now the elderly. What else was there?

Photographer: The very young.

Jacqui: Right. Karen, get me a baby.

Karen: Right.

(Karen goes into the audience and searches the audience for a baby and finds a lady with a baby)

Karen: Baby, baby, baby…AH! Excuse me miss, can I have your baby?

Lady: No!

Karen: Oh come on, hand it over…(they start to wrestle over the baby) It’s all for the good of the country!

Lady: What?

Karen: Alright then, here, have a Woman’s Weekly.

Lady: Ooooh! (Lady gives up fight and reads Woman’s Weekly)

Karen: Thank you Miss.

(Karen throws baby to Jacqui with baby Waaa sfx. Jacqui tries a number of times to get Victor to hold the baby in his lifeless limbs, baby falls to ground a number of times)

Jacqui: Come on Victor, you’re going to have to do better than that.

Photographer: (arranging Victor) Hand like that, That’s great. Big Smile. There.

(Snap, flash, photo taken).

(Jacqui takes baby and throws baby out of office, through door with a waaa sfx and hits the old person “owww”)

Photographer: (arranging Victor) Now one looking thoughtful. People like to believe their leaders can at least think a bit. (discovering that Victor is a bit more floppy than he should be) Ah excuse me…

Jacqui: Yes?

Photographer: Ah, he’s dead.

Jacqui: What?

Photographer: Victor is dead.

60 Karen: no

Photographer: Look (shakes Victor, slaps him in the head, kicks him in the…)

Jacqui: Ah…

Karen: Um…

Lisa: Oh…

Karen: Great, we can work with this. Right…dead…dead…right…dead…Dead rights. The dead outnumber the living by over 30 to one in this country. It’s time somebody stood up…

Jacqui: lay down…

Karen: lay down for their rights and our man is…

Jacqui: was…

Karen: was the man to do it.

Jacqui: The dead are the most disadvantaged and underrepresented group in parliament Victor Sensible. The dead voice in Parliament.

Karen: Yes! Looking out for the future. A true man of the people. The perfect listener.

Jacqui: …and the perfect role model for the average citizen. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke…

Photographer: …doesn’t breathe

Karen: The consummate statesman. Dignified, regal despite any adversity, carries a stiff upper lip. The ideal ambassador.

Jacqui: But he won’t be traveling. Victor can be guaranteed never waste any money on extraneous travel. He won’t be going anywhere. Well not any further than the nearest freezer.

Photographer: So, you’re seriously intending to run with a dead candidate.

Jacqui: I’m not sure that run is quite the right word. Maybe wheel along.

Karen: And why not? He can represent the feminists. Well, he can hardly be accused of being a womanizer.

Photographer: Womanizer? Fertilizer more likely.

Karen & Jacqui: Green Vote!!

Photographer: Your insane.

Lisa: Given the current disposition of personality within the present parliament population I don’t think our candidate would cause any egregious attention.

61 The average countenance of the members elected by popular ballot only promotes the concealment his cadaverous nature.

Photographer: What? Who is this woman?

Karen: She is the speech obfuscator.

Photographer: You mean the speech writer.

Jacqui: No he’s the writer, she’s the obfuscator. Karen formulates the ideas; she manipulates them to an ambiguously political form.

Lisa: Due, however, to our necessitousness for public exposure over the coming tetra revolutionary terran period, it appears imprudent to dispossess ourselves of the opportunity for an animated titular figure.

Photographer: What?

Karen: We need a living candidate.

Jacqui: Damn!

(Phone rings, Janine answers)

Janine: Yes Karen?...oh sorry…yes…right away (puts phone down) Quickly, turn on the television

(Click)

TV: and in the latest election news, political candidate Bill Pants has had t withdraw his candidacy, allegedly due to alleged involvement in an alleged tax fraud investigation, leaving only rival candidate Victor Sensible in the running for the seat. Victor sensible wins by default.

Jacqui: This is fantastic!

Karen: We Won!

Jacqui: Congratulations everyone.

Lisa: To celebrate this portentous victory, we should all get drunk.

Karen: To Victor Sensible, the winning candidate

Jacqui & Karen: He stands !! (Victor falls face first out of chair)

62 Singing a Song Words and Music: Peter Marriott

A Introduction

B Gang Show is almost over, almost run its' course Gang Show can't go forever, we must close the doors But here's the consolation we can all endorse Gang Show will live in the songs we sing if you can sing-a-long

C Singing a song, just simply singing a song Will put the sun in its' place, you can count on it. Singing along, with just any old song Will put a smile on the face of everyone So if you're feeling blue and don't know what to do, Just mumble it, or hum a bit, You will find you're sure to benefit. Whistling's fine, and so is beating in time It makes the clouds roll away, far away from here. Follow the line, and you are certain to find That there's a much brighter day, for everyone. Though you don't need rehearsal, Its' appeal is universal. You'll bring sunshine when you're singing a song.

D Singing a song, just simply singing a song Will put the sun in its' place, you can count on it. Singing along, with just any old song Will put a smile on the face of everyone So if you're feeling blue and don't know what to do, Just mumble it, or hum a bit, You will find you're sure to benefit. Whistling's fine, and so is beating in time It makes the clouds roll away, far away from here. Follow the line, and you are certain to find That there's a much brighter day, for everyone. Though you don't need rehearsal, Its' appeal is universal. You'll bring sunshine when you're singing a song.

63 Finale Together Words & Music: Ralph Reader

A Introduction

B Together, when we’re all together We know how lucky we are The world around us is everything, The sound of music, the songs we sing, And even in the coldest winter, The warmest summer arrives, We share together, when we’re together The best years of our lives.

This Land Of Australia Words & Music: Ken Bayly

C Introduction

D Land dormant for endless years Land woken by pioneers Strong in their quest for a new tomorrow, on they toiled 'Cross rivers and mountain range, Then over the rolling plain, building The nation we love

E This land of Australia, this land of ours Built into nationhood by bold pioneers. We pray that thy people, ever may be, A nation worthy of service to thee. Proud of their heritage thy sons may be So may their future be great and free. May truth be her watch-word, Peace be her way, That every nation may honour her name.

Scouts And Guides Of Australia Words & Music: Ken Bayly

F Introduction

G We’re the Scouts & Guides of Australia Every single one in the show That’s the secret of every Gang Show That’s the reason why we’re here to tell you Every time we sing our finale We want to make it clear That we wear our uniform so proudly Scouts and Guides of Gang Show

Mickey Mouse Club

64 Words and Music: Jimmie Dodd

H Who’s the leader of the club That’s made for you and me M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! There You’re as welcome as can be M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

I Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse! Forever let us hold our banner High! High! High! High!

J Come along and sing a song And join the jamboree! M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

Free And Frippence Hapenny Words & Music: Ralph Reader

K I tried to see the Gang Show but couldn’t get a seat A bloke from the Black Market, he promised me the treat He said “Just hand me fifty quid and I’ll see that you go Said I, “If I had fifty quid I’d buy the blinking show”.

L Free and frippence hapenny is all that I have got Free and frippence hapenny perhaps it’s not a lot Free and frippence hapenny is not much good to you But free and frippence hapenny is the best that I can do.

Where’s Your Buccaneers

M All 3 Groups Together

Putting on the Ritz

N High hats, and arrow collars White spats, and lots of dollars Spending every dime For a wonderful time

O If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits Puttin' on the Ritz Different types who wear a day coat, pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits, Puttin' on the Ritz

P Strolling up the avenue so happy All dressed up like an English chappie,

65 Very snappy, Come lets mix where rockfellers walk with sticks Or um-ber-el-as in their mitts Puttin' on the Ritz

Q If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits Puttin' on the Ritz Different types who wear a day coat, pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits, Puttin' on the Ritz

R Strolling up the avenue so happy All dressed up like an English chappie, Very snappy, Come lets mix where rockfellers walk with sticks Or um-ber-el-as in their mitts Puttin' on the Ritz.

It Don’t Mean A Thing Words:Irving Mills Music:Duke Ellington

S Introduction

T What good is melody? What good is music? If it ain't possesin something sweet it ain't the melody, it ain't the music There's something else that makes the tune complete

U Doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah Doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah doo-ah

V It makes no difference if it's sweet or hot, Just give that rhythm everything you got, No, It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing ain't got that swing, ain't - got – that – swing

W Don’t mean a thing It don’t mean a thing It don’t mean a thing

It makes no difference if it's sweet or hot, Just give that rhythm everything you got, No, It don't mean a thing if it ain't - got – that – swing.

Curtain Down

Encore

66

Dancing In The Street Words &Music: Marvin Gaye, Ivy Hunter & William Stevenson

X Callin' out around the world Are you ready for a brand new beat? Summer's here and the time is right For dancing in the streets They're dancing in Chicago (Chicago) Way down in New Orleans (New Orleans) Up in New York City

Y All we need is music, sweet music There’ll be music everywhere There'll be swinging, swaying and records playing And dancing in the street, oh

Z Oh, it doesn't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy grab a girl Everywhere around the world Dancing in the street. We’re gonna dance, We’re gonna dance, Dancing in the street. We’re gonna dance, We’re gonna dance, Dance, Dance. Dance, Dance, Dance Dance, Dance, Dance Dance, Dancing in the street.

67 The Stage Hand Darren Swain Rod Klau and Brett Veale

Scene The director and producer are talking on stage. The stagehand walks across the stage behind them. The stagehand stops at the table that has the sound effects on it and looks them over, picking up one or two props, but without making any noise. The other characters completely ignore the stage hand throughout the sketch.

Producer: I just bought a great new play. How would you like to direct it?

Director: Tell me something about it.

Producer: Here, Have a look at this. (The Producer hands the Director a script. The Producer then waves to two people, the detective and the butler, who are off stage. They come on) Here (Handing copies of the script to the Detective and the Butler) You be the Detective (Hands Sherlock holms hat and pipe) and you be the butler (Hands waistcoat and tray with stuck on port glass) (To the Director) You’re going to love this. (He puts on a dramatic voice and uses his hands to tell the story.

Producer: The play starts on a cold and windy night (The stagehand twirls the wind machine)

Producer: - when a detective rides up on a horse – (The stage hand makes horses’ hoof beats sound by hitting the plastic containers together)

Detective: Whoa!!

Producer: He gets down from his horse and walks slowly up the gravel path to the old Manor House. (The Stagehand walks in the gravel box)

Producer: And then he knocks at the door. (The Stagehand knocks on the table)

Producer: And then knocks again. (The Stagehand knocks on the table again)

Producer: But still no one comes. Inside he can hear the sound of someone sawing wood. (The Stagehand saws a piece of wood)

Producer: And finally rings the doorbell. (The Stagehand rings the brass bell)

Butler: (Calling) Who is it?

Detective: It is I, Detective Inspector Humphries, from the village. Open the door. I have a few questions to ask. (The Stagehand makes a creaking noise with his voce like a large door opening)

Detective: I have a warrant to search the premises. I received a complaint about mysterious noises, that your neighbours think are coming from this house.

68 Butler: Search if you must, but I assure you, you’ll find nothing amiss in Manor House.

Producer: So the butler closes the door and the Detective follows him into the parlour – (The Stagehand walks on the spot and continues walking)

Producer: - and outside it begins to rain – (The Stagehand still walking on the spot, makes rain noises by rolling the peas back and forth in the box)

Producer: - and the rain changes to hail – (The Stagehand still walking on the spot, shakes the box violently to make the sound of hail)

Producer: - and back to rain again – (The Stagehand, still walking makes rain noises again)

Producer: Suddenly the rain stops. (The Stagehand slams the rain box down on the table)

Producer: A dog howls in the distance. (The Stagehand still walking, makes a howling noise and then keeps howling)

Detective: (Cupping a hand behind his ear). Is that a dog I hear howling in the distance?

Butler: Yes sir, it is a dog howling in the distance.

Producer: Then the howling stops and the detective and the butler stop walking. (The Stagehand stops walking and howling)

Producer: They listen and hear a faint sound of tap dancing in another room. (The Stagehand tap dances lightly)

Producer: And the dancing comes closer and closer. (The Stagehand’s tap dancing gets louder and louder).

Detective: Is that tap dancing I hear?

Butler: Yes, I believe it is.

Detective: Just as I thought

Producer: The tap dancing gets louder and louder and then there is a constant moaning from the mysterious dancer. (The Stagehand tap dances louder and moans at the same time)

Detective: Why, It’s a ghost! It’s dancing all around!

Producer: Then it begins to rain again – (The Stagehand, still tap dancing madly and moaning, picks up the rain box and shakes it to make rain noises.)

69 -and then the rain changes to hail. (the stagehand, still tap dancing, moaning and shaking the rain box, also howl intermittently. The other characters remain silent as the stagehand continues on furiously).

Butler: (Yells) What

(Pause)

Detective: (Yells) I said, it’s a ghost!

Butler: (Yells) I know!

Detective: (Yells) You do!

Butler: (Yells) Yes.

Producer: Then the wind picks up again – The stagehand, now nearly exhausted from tap dancing, howling, moaning and making the sounds of hail, also makes wind noises).

Producer: (In a low voice) And in the detective’s terror,

Detective: (together) What?! & Butler

Producer: (in a loud voice) In the detective’s terror, he knocks over a statue which smashes to the ground. (The stagehand smashes a plate on the ground)

Producer: And then everything is deadly quiet. (the stagehand stops making sound effects and collapses on the table).

Butler: You’ve done it! You’ve broken the curse of Manor House!

Detective: But who was that ghost?

Butler: That was the ghost of the Twelfth Lord of the Manor. He was doomed to tap dance for all eternity because he killed a band leader! But you smashed his statue and that must have broken the curse!

Detective: Tell me one last thing before I go. Why was he moaning?

Butler: I thought that was obvious. His shoes were too tight. (The cast laugh except for the stagehand who gives them a dirty look).

Producer: Did you follow that?

Director: Sure it was clear as a bell (The stagehand rings the bell).

Director: But we’ll have to get the executive committee’s seal of approval. (The stagehand claps his hands like a seal)

70 Producer: It’s a knockout (The stagehand hits himself on the side of his head with a mallet)

Detective: I think it’s a ripper. (The stagehand rips a piece of cloth).

Butler: I’m sure it will be a smash. (The stagehand smashes glass in a box with a metal hammer)

Director: It’ll be a riot (The stagehand blows party horn, footy noise maker etc).

Detective: It’s outrageous. (The stagehand puts on a big summer hat with flowers, and ties a bow under his chin).

Butler: What a blast. (The stagehand hits plunger and 2 flashpots explode, and the stagehand falls behind the desk.)

Director: But there’s only one problem that I can see.

Producer: What’s that?

Director: Who can we get to do the sound effects? (The stagehand appears with a blackened face and wig with hair sticking up all over the place).

71