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VOL I ISSUE Tuesday, April 1, 2014

INNOVATION VANSHITTY BUZZ AHEAD OF CURVE ON BLOG-TO-PRINT MIRACLE CURE

BY BOND, TRACY BOND I RIGHT NOW as always, the uncredited use of other peo­ ple's photography. Since 2008, Vanshitty Buzz has attained We can't wait to change the world of a monumental level of success, and some journalism for the better by bringing back definite Internet notoriety. We pride our­ what was once been considered obsolete. selves in being everyone's go-to source for We're here to put the 'new' back into 'news' Vancouver happenings and culture. Now, and keep you right on top of all the latest it's time for us to be innovators, too. happenings in Vancouver. We're here for With all the changes that have been you first. • rocking the technology world lately, we have decided to move on from the main­ stream blog format to test out a fresh form *4\* of news media — print journalism. While this information is so secret that we probably shouldn't even be sharing it Facebook? Twitter? No problem! Do the with you, we just couldn't resist letting our real social media in loyal readers in on this technological gold­ real life! mine. The Vanshitty Buzz staff is proud r ^ to announce the discovery of complex ancient machinery loosely known as the Like it Tweet it D5 (by checking this box: (by cutting this story "printing press." just like on Facebook!; out and passing it on!] This remarkable device allows you to communicate information to others TOP COMMENTS: by printing ink onto a piece of paper, mass-producing several hundreds of cop­ Ryan first ies in mere hours. We couldn't wait to be Bob this is a shitty publication the first publication to try this out. Boob Boob Hushed historical reports state that this Steve isn't this supposed to be a blog? mechanism was first seen in the mid-15th I dont think they're doing this century before going the way of the dino­ credit idk lo right... saurs, when the world of blogs and Buzz- social media. Forget this whole series-of- We've noticed that Vanshitty Buzz holds With this top-of-the-line, artisanal for­ switch too suddenly, so we will continue to I think this sucks feed took over shortly thereafter. We spent tubes thing. The world of print and paper is a particular appeal with Vancouver's hipster mat, you can read articles on real paper make our articles available online for those months rooting around Internet chat ready to take over. population, who comprise a large portion instead of from behind the glare of your who insist on sticking with the past. That of our readership. We've caught on to just computer, phone or tablet screen. You said, our website will undergo a major ren­ SEE ALSO: 12 things that the AMS is how much these fabulous folks seem to love won't even leave oily fingerprints on the ovation to ensure that all the pages of our &c® the old-is-new-trend, and notably, their par­ ^ Same great interactive not telling you! P4 You cant click on this! You ticular fondness for items such as Polaroid SEE ALSO: Bros of Vancouver P8 element! You can have to manually flip the cameras, VHS cassettes and thrift store cat write your comments page with your hands!:) rooms — another a relic of a bygone time sweaters. Now, we'd like to expose them paper when you touch it — in fact, your paper are also available online for your in by hand! Inspire community with the — and consulting with anonymous experts, to the printed newspaper. We're sure that fingers themselves might get dirty from the viewing convenience. We will also em­ people around you, and we are finally ready to reintroduce this You may be asking yourself, "Why start they'll be first to jump on board with our new authentic ink. brace a simpler design style that will make literally! remarkable "newspaper" format. Forget these so-called 'newspapers' now?" look. You're welcome, hipsters. Of course, we don't intend to make this use of homey fonts, minimalistic lines and,

CELEBS HOW TO USE THIS TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD ELECTED PREZ

BY HAROLD BIGMAN I RIGHT NOW tions next year. "I missed the deadline by five days this year, which is a real shame," Rob Ford has been elected as president of she said. "I was thinking of running as VP the Arts Undergraduate Society. finance." Ford made the cross-country journey Prime Minister of Canada Steven Harpo earlier this year and ended up at UBC just declined comment on rumours that he was in time for the AUS elections in early March. thinking of running for AMS president. • "I'm so happy I've been re-elected as §tft- mayor," said Ford. "Wait, that wasn't Toron­ Like it feTV Tweet it to? Shit." rib (by checking this box, "^^S (by cutting this story The last time Ford was in Vancouver in just like on Facebook!) out and passing it on!) early February, he was ticketed for jaywalk­ •Hi ing. "At least this is some positive press for TOP COMMENTS: "Safe •£ me," Ford said. "I won something." Harvey Ocean, who assumed the posi­ Doug hey he's doing his Best CANT SCROLL THIS PAPER tion in Ford's stead, said the whole thing Rob i am not a crook was a miscommunication. credit Ford Focus Stevie harp this iznot kewl guise PRODUCT? NO WORRIES :) "Students thought Rob Ford was run­ ning as a joke candidate, and so they voted a student society. Don't worry about it, I'll ate Society that same week. He also joined WE STILL WEB! Catch us at for him. Name recognition, you know? take over." the Pottery Club. "Everyone was surprised to find out that Justin Trudough, leader of the Libel Par­ Former Alberta premier Ali Son of Red- vanshittybuzz.com Ford was running as a serious candidate. I ty of Canada, was elected VP external of ford said she was considering running in gave him a call and said, bro, you can't run the Land and Food Systems Undergradu­ the Science Undergraduate Society elec­ ^ VANSHITTYBUZZ #MOVINGFORWARD TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2014 I 2

EDITOR'S NOTE

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VANSHITTY BUZZ COMPETITION EXTRAVAGANZA Vanshitty Buzz wants YOU to win!

Win everything you have ever wanted. Get a full body massage at a luxury resort spa. Receive that promotion you deserve, and get paid more to work less. Better yet, quit your day job and become a professional slacker. Spend your entire day partying. Wine and dine with the most fabulous movie stars, artists, politicians and businessmen around. Take a vacation to the Bahamas. Buy a yacht, and never use it! Get laid, often. Drink. Take a pharmacopoeia's worth of drugs, then drink some more. Murder someone. Start a cult. Cheat on your significant other. Hours of fun!

"I want to win" ©VanshittyBuzz, and send a letter to us with all of your personal information, including your full i ' Buzz competition application to: SUB Room 24, 6138 SUB Blvd., Vancouver, B.C., V6T 1Z1. All entries must be I I by April 1, 2014, in order for competitors to maintain their eligibility. If your application is suitable, we will contact you. We will also share all of your information with a I and otherwise. Vanshitty Buzz cannot be held responsible for any criminal litigation incurred against or by competitors for the duration of I NEWS VARIOUS THINGS THAT HAPPENED TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2014 I 4

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BOND, TRACY BOND SPORTS FEATS OF STRENGTH TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2014 I 5

T-BIRDS HOCKEY UBC STARTS VARSITY SPORTS TOP 10 VANCITY HOCKEY TEAMS *A* PROGRAMS _ BYROCKTHECASBAH I I THINK YESTERDAY, NOT SURE

BY MASTER DESTROYER I TODAY of an audience every now and then against With the hockey season coming to an end, we've comprised a list of Vancouver's top 10 some other clubs from across Canada. • teams to follow next year. UBC plans to upgrade a number of club teams to create its first varsity athletics 1. Vancouver Giants — Western Hockey League program after a controversial sports tar­ Like it Tweet it The entire team is under 5'9". get-shooting review, according to a press ai ;by checking this box ;by cutting this story just like on Facebook!; out and passing it on!] release. The new varsity teams — ultimate fris- TOP COMMENTS: 2. Coquitlam Express — British Columbia Hockey bee, men's and women's Nordic skiing, S League men's and women's alpine skiing and wom­ Po It's such BS that men's hockey Come for the hockey, stay for the racial slurs. en's softball — will all receive increased isn't going to be varsity. I mean funding from the university. i I've never been to their games 3. Peewee C1 Tomahawks — Vancouver Minor Hockey "Overall, advisory assessment team or actually know anything members were consistent in their evalua­ ' ' ' \ about the team, but get it Association tions, and we are basing our decision on together. Look for the kid with the goiter! their findings," said Student VP Louie Cor- win in a press release. "The process has Janet Why are we wasting this 4. Fort Vancouver Vipers — Northern Pacific Hockey been revealing and is leading us to boost money on "sports"? Kids these League financial support for the teams." days don't know nothing, and They'll slither their way into your hearts. Province reporter Tommy Gallinger said l/i need to be spending more time the new varsity program should draw more HI in the classroom. •0 i£i'*>v1^ 5. East Hastings Heat — Hastings Hockey League support from UBC alumni, especially men This is your chance to see Mad Max on ice. who see frisbee as a key sport to maintain Hagrid Rubbish! Quidditch got robbed alumni donations. PHOTO COUFTTESYTTHE MAN IN THE BACK WHO TOLD EVERYONE TO ATTACK AT WHICH IT TURNED INTO A BALLROOM BLITZ again. 6. Killarney Knights — Senior Female AAA SCFAHL/ SEE ALSO: 20 SIGNS YOU'RE A TRUE VANCOUVERITE P8 BN69 What's the difference between BCAHA ultimate frisbee and regular It's a female Jason Statham look-alike contest. Gallinger also supported UBC's decision want to waste our resources on useless Gallinger wrote. frisbee? I like beersbee. That to avoid wasting money on club sports like sports like football, these upgraded club The new varsity teams will not compete in should probably be varsity. I'm 7. Kitsilano Reds — Vancouver Minor Hockey Associ­ football. sports are the most important resources any organized league. The remaining AMS going to drink a Brava now. ation "Although people like Howard Ashleigh a university sports program can provide," club teams will continue to practice in front Your best bet if you're looking to score with single hockey moms.

8. Richmond Warriors — British Columbia Hockey HOCKEY League It's slightly better than drinking and pretending to like EDM.

9. Vancouver Canucks — 7 REASONS THE CANUCKS If they were a band, the A.V Club would tear them a new one.

10. Phi Delt Titans - Todd League ARE SO GREAT, SO COOL <** Because you want to watch frat boys smash each other to bits. •

BY KARATE KID I 3 DAYS AGO 4. Despite trading rising star Cory Schnei­ der and gold-studded Roberto Luongo, the Canucks are not Lac/c-ing goaltenders and 1. At the end of every game, the players are S/ram-ing along. award a Haida Hat to the most outstanding teammate. Some call it cultural appropria­ tion; true fans call it respect.

2. The Canucks' team colours are blue, green, white and silver. Blue forthe Pacific, green for the beautiful Vancouver forests, white for the peacefully cloudy sky, and sil­ ver for the mining industrial complex. How profound is that?

3. Henrik Sedin has played the second most consecutive games out of all active NHL players — he's the Canucks' iron man. However, something about having a twin brother turns him from a brute to a teddy fans didn't believe the city was worthy of bear. Those Sedins are just adorable. the runners-up. Also: sellout streak. Like it teTy Tweet it nS ;by checking ^is box, *£^ (by cutting this story 5. You've probably never heard of Trevor just like on Facebook!) out and passing it on!) Linden, but he was the Canucks' captain 7. Go Google "Canucks Christmas sweat­ from 1991 to 1997. He looks really cute in ers." Do it right now. TOP COMMENTS: those ClearlyContact ads. UPDATE: Apparently Henrik's streak end­ Barb LOOOOOOOOOOOU 6. They have the most loyal fans of any ed earlier this year. When blogging about Strombone Thanks for the comment team in the NHL. Remember when enthu­ the game from a cafe on Broadway, we UPDATE: Apparently people have also Mike Gillis Hove this team too! siasts trashed the entire city after the Ca­ couldn't spot the difference between him heard of Trevor Linden. David Booth for MVP nucks lost the ? That wasn't and Daniel. Maybe if we had a press pass, UPDATE: ALL IMAGES COURTESY BATEZ • out of anger at the team — it was because we wouldn't make these mistakes.

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SANDWICHES CASH MONEY 2 packs peanut butter Layer Casserole. For full effect, complete the Healthy amount of fruit-bearing shrubbery ritual in full sight of your enemies to strike TOP 12 SANDWICHES paste TOP 3 FREE MEALS fear in their hearts and shatter their resolve. BY DR. STEVE BRULE I 2 DAYS AGO Do you think you're ready? Then begin. Pour You've seen those shrubs around Vancou­ the liquid ingredients into a microwave-safe How are you feeling today? Broke? Hun­ ver green spaces — the ones with the cute container, one at a time, saving the butter for gry? Unable to form a coherent response little signs asking you politely not to step last. Crumble the crackers on top and bake when the doc says "critically malnour­ on them, lest you disturb the tiny, delicate in the microwave on high until it's thick and ished?" Not to worry — Vanshitty Buzz has orbs of life growing within. As it happens, golden brown on top. Congratulations. You your back. Here are three filling meals you you can actually strip those berries straight are now feared and respected. Serves no can make for free from ingredients avail­ from the branch with almost no conse­ one but yourself. • able at most eateries and cafes. quences. Mash those berries with your powerful, fruit-crushing molars, then spit Like it Tweet it that stolen nectar into a cup, along with the •a (by checking this box: (by cutting this story 1. Fettucheapi just like on Facebook!; out and passing it on!] peanut butter packets you took from the 1-2 handfuls fettuccini stir sticks 2 cups hot water condiment rack. Mix it all up and dip your 5 packs of ketchup digits for a finger-lickin' meal. Serves one. TOP COMMENTS: Jack OMG i wrote this article What are those hippie-ass pasta stir sticks 3. Seven Layer Casse­ hahaha good for, other than breaking off in your fair dsljf2 I'm pressing the post button trade coffee? Turns out they double as a role and it's not working scrumptious carb-loaded meal. Simply take 3 packs crackers, crumbled dsljf2 Can anyone see my comments? a handful or two of starchy goodness and Equal parts: dsljf2 It's not work BBQ sauce dump them into a cup of hot water stolen dsljf2 my account isn't working Mustard from the nearest tea station. If you're feel­ dsljf2 admin plz help Ketchup ing adventurous enough to try a sauce, Soy sauce dsljf2 I can't see my comments IMAGE CREDIT BILL'S DORM ROOM squeeze out some ketchup packets on that Half-and-half creamers dsljf2 My comments aren'tpostingt provolone cheese on an Italian-style roll, BY MICKY GRUBER I 3 DAYS IN THE FU­ bad boy. Serves one. Butter R09a fake then marinate overnight in vinegar. Buon TURE dijker article was terible whoever appetito! 2. PB&F WARNING: This recipe nears expert-level wrote itshud be fired immedi­ Sandwiches are the classic lunch food, but free food culinary mastery. However, if you 8 human fingers ately my goldfish could write which ones are the best? We at Vanshitty 2 human thumbs feel like you're up to it, there's no greater something better than this 8. The Chinatown Stir- IMAGE CREDIT BILL'S DORM ROOM Buzz have spent literally minutes ranking glory than successfully pulling off the Seven the absolute best bread and filling combi­ Fry Sandwich nations that can be found anywhere in the Prepare your best stir-fry, then simply plop RESTAURANTS world. it on some toast. Chase with an entire bottle of sriracha. 1. The Kitsilano Kale TOP 5 VANCOUVER RESTAURANTS IN VANCITY and Sprouts on Gluten- 9. The Point Grey PB&J There's nothing better than a homemade, Free Bread flavourless classic for the struggling BY DREW P. BALLS I RIGHT NOW else could you possibly desire in a restau­ Your taste buds may be underwhelmed, student who has never learned to make rant? This Tim Hortons is the most quintes­ but at least you can still fit into your yoga anything else. Vancouver is a city known for its fine dining sential Vancouver establishment one could pants. and culinary delights, with multicultural cui­ ever hope to find. Their Boston cream do­ 10. The Downtown sines filling the restaurants that line so many nut is perfect for tourists hoping to snatch a 2. The Main Street of our streets. As Canadians, we definitely taste of the most loved chocolate-covered, Eastside Gentrif ication know good food when we try it, so after cream-filled delight in Canada. For those Squeeze Po'boy some serious consideration, and extensive not too keen on the Boston cream, this Pair honey and tahini for a sweet sandwich This overpriced, Cajun-inspired delight is taste-testing, we've come up with a list of Timmy's serves a double chocolate donut for the Mount Pleasant hipsters. Serve in a sure to bring in hungry diners from all over the best places to refuel all over Vancouver! that is always a great alternative. Mason jar. the city. I.Tim Hortons - 4. Tim Hortons - 3. The Granville Island 11. The Granville Strip 4401 W 10th Ave. 2424 Main Mall Crab Melt Turd Burger This restaurant is famous for its revolution­ This is that one spot that everyone and Don't ask what's in this one. Melt a small to medium-sized crab in your ary Boston cream donut. As the chocolate their grandmother has heard about, but has favourite saucepan. Throw in some capers glaze and mysterious cream melt away in yet to visit. This relatively quiet, peaceful and you'll have the catch of the day. 12. The East Van your mouth, so do your worries. When this establishment has the perfect atmosphere bakery is out of Boston cream, the best for a third or fourth date. Recommended Quinoa and Kombucha 4. The West End Pear alternative is the Timbit. Rumour has it, menu items include the Boston cream, for Breakfast Smoothie they sell them by the box. If you like sugar optimum lip-licking, or the humble strawber­ and Brie on Rye Fucking hipsters. • and long lineups, this is the perfect envi­ ry glaze, for childhood reminiscence. This succulent combination is like a pot of ronment to enjoy these lovely treats. gold at the end of a rainbow. Like it tefyTweet it 5. Tim Hortons - DS [by checking this box, >«_>' (by cutting this story just like on Facebook!) out and passing it on!; 2. Tim Hortons - 100 W 49th Ave. 5. The Yaletown Yummy 5702 Granville St. This unique restaurant lies in the heart The scent of melted Swiss cheese atop TOP COMMENTS: sauteed mushrooms for a reminder that If you're looking to max out your daily calo­ of a bustling neighbourhood, creating there is nothing wrong with having expen­ Ho!!M i eat sandwiches rie allowance all in one fine dining establish­ the perfect breakfast atmosphere to jolt sive taste. Constantly remind your friends Tim so up ment, this is the place to do it! For just a few you awake on those slow mornings. This where you got it. df 112 did you ever eat a sandiwhc dollars, you could buy eight Boston cream Timmy's serves a ridiculously good Boston that as like didntgo so well but donuts — enough to sate your hunger for the cream donut, but it almost always sells 6. Ham and Cheese, you liked idt anyway lol rest of the day. It's the perfect way to keep out. Make sure you get there by 6:40 a.m. Ho!!M i eat sandwiches that calorie count under control. Other excel­ at the latest in order to secure one. Oth­ Gastown Style Ed HEY, THAT'S A GREAT lent choices include the old-fashioned plain erwise, you can always settle for enjoying Prepare this classic sandwich, then let POINT MARK. I MAKE — a classic donut, completely reimagined. one of their delightfully sloppy long Johns. sit for 150 years for that historic Gastown $362 A WEEK WRITING Bonus: this location is within Langara Col­ flavour. ARTICLES IN A BASEMENT 3. Tim Hortons - lege, so rolling up the rim might win you LEARN MORE READ HERE 3112 W Broadway an automatic transfer to UBC. • 7. The Commercial ubyssey.ca jennn every time i close my eyes you Fluorescent lighting, noisy chairs and a Like it fefy Tweet it Drive Italian Sub know it's like a dark paradise multitude of school children 24-7 — what nS (by checking this box, *£-*/ (by cutting this story Layer salami, pepperoni, capicola and just like on Facebook!) outand passing it on!] IMAGE CREDIT SOMEWHERE ONUNE \La-4L41. Hn CV4r\ )OAC| IV blik! Xl'S NjoiJir V,u JJy £P\P.L_ \i

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