#VANSHITTY ^ <% j EXCLUSIVE P4 £' Your inside source to Vancouver events, en­ tertainment, news, food, love, lifestyle, sports, Karmel Sutra, hashtags, Internet fads, celebs, and a whole bunch of other shit. Since 2008. VOL I ISSUE Tuesday, April 1, 2014 INNOVATION VANSHITTY BUZZ AHEAD OF CURVE ON BLOG-TO-PRINT MIRACLE CURE BY BOND, TRACY BOND I RIGHT NOW as always, the uncredited use of other peo­ ple's photography. Since 2008, Vanshitty Buzz has attained We can't wait to change the world of a monumental level of success, and some journalism for the better by bringing back definite Internet notoriety. We pride our­ what was once been considered obsolete. selves in being everyone's go-to source for We're here to put the 'new' back into 'news' Vancouver happenings and culture. Now, and keep you right on top of all the latest it's time for us to be innovators, too. happenings in Vancouver. We're here for With all the changes that have been you first. • rocking the technology world lately, we have decided to move on from the main­ stream blog format to test out a fresh form *4\* of news media — print journalism. While this information is so secret that we probably shouldn't even be sharing it Facebook? Twitter? No problem! Do the with you, we just couldn't resist letting our real social media in loyal readers in on this technological gold­ real life! mine. The Vanshitty Buzz staff is proud r ^ to announce the discovery of complex ancient machinery loosely known as the Like it Tweet it D5 (by checking this box: (by cutting this story "printing press." just like on Facebook!; out and passing it on!] This remarkable device allows you to communicate information to others TOP COMMENTS: by printing ink onto a piece of paper, mass-producing several hundreds of cop­ Ryan first ies in mere hours. We couldn't wait to be Bob this is a shitty publication the first publication to try this out. Boob Boob Hushed historical reports state that this Steve isn't this supposed to be a blog? mechanism was first seen in the mid-15th I dont think they're doing this century before going the way of the dino­ credit idk lo right... saurs, when the world of blogs and Buzz- social media. Forget this whole series-of- We've noticed that Vanshitty Buzz holds With this top-of-the-line, artisanal for­ switch too suddenly, so we will continue to I think this sucks feed took over shortly thereafter. We spent tubes thing. The world of print and paper is a particular appeal with Vancouver's hipster mat, you can read articles on real paper make our articles available online for those months rooting around Internet chat ready to take over. population, who comprise a large portion instead of from behind the glare of your who insist on sticking with the past. That of our readership. We've caught on to just computer, phone or tablet screen. You said, our website will undergo a major ren­ SEE ALSO: 12 things that the AMS is how much these fabulous folks seem to love won't even leave oily fingerprints on the ovation to ensure that all the pages of our &c® the old-is-new-trend, and notably, their par­ ^ Same great interactive not telling you! P4 You cant click on this! You ticular fondness for items such as Polaroid SEE ALSO: Bros of Vancouver P8 element! You can have to manually flip the cameras, VHS cassettes and thrift store cat write your comments page with your hands!:) rooms — another a relic of a bygone time sweaters. Now, we'd like to expose them paper when you touch it — in fact, your paper are also available online for your in by hand! Inspire community with the — and consulting with anonymous experts, to the printed newspaper. We're sure that fingers themselves might get dirty from the viewing convenience. We will also em­ people around you, and we are finally ready to reintroduce this You may be asking yourself, "Why start they'll be first to jump on board with our new authentic ink. brace a simpler design style that will make literally! remarkable "newspaper" format. Forget these so-called 'newspapers' now?" look. You're welcome, hipsters. Of course, we don't intend to make this use of homey fonts, minimalistic lines and, CELEBS HOW TO USE THIS TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD ELECTED PREZ BY HAROLD BIGMAN I RIGHT NOW tions next year. "I missed the deadline by five days this year, which is a real shame," Rob Ford has been elected as president of she said. "I was thinking of running as VP the Arts Undergraduate Society. finance." Ford made the cross-country journey Prime Minister of Canada Steven Harpo earlier this year and ended up at UBC just declined comment on rumours that he was in time for the AUS elections in early March. thinking of running for AMS president. • "I'm so happy I've been re-elected as §tft- mayor," said Ford. "Wait, that wasn't Toron­ Like it feTV Tweet it to? Shit." rib (by checking this box, "^^S (by cutting this story The last time Ford was in Vancouver in just like on Facebook!) out and passing it on!) early February, he was ticketed for jaywalk­ •Hi ing. "At least this is some positive press for TOP COMMENTS: "Safe •£ me," Ford said. "I won something." Harvey Ocean, who assumed the posi­ Doug hey he's doing his Best CANT SCROLL THIS PAPER tion in Ford's stead, said the whole thing Rob i am not a crook was a miscommunication. credit Ford Focus Stevie harp this iznot kewl guise PRODUCT? NO WORRIES :) "Students thought Rob Ford was run­ ning as a joke candidate, and so they voted a student society. Don't worry about it, I'll ate Society that same week. He also joined WE STILL WEB! Catch us at for him. Name recognition, you know? take over." the Pottery Club. "Everyone was surprised to find out that Justin Trudough, leader of the Libel Par­ Former Alberta premier Ali Son of Red- vanshittybuzz.com Ford was running as a serious candidate. I ty of Canada, was elected VP external of ford said she was considering running in gave him a call and said, bro, you can't run the Land and Food Systems Undergradu­ the Science Undergraduate Society elec­ ^ VANSHITTYBUZZ #MOVINGFORWARD TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2014 I 2 EDITOR'S NOTE KARMELSUTRA Menry was used by 5 different students over the past 2 years. iHelp find him a Coving dome. 'Buy a used hook now. (604)699-1675 #OLDISNEW #KARMEL #MANET #TBT TRENDING #MOVINGFORWARD #FBF #YALETOWN INSPIRATION #ILOVEVANCOUVER #TEAMFOLLOWBACK #OCTOTHORPE #THROWBACKTHURSDAY #FLASH- BACK JOURNALISM A vanshittybuzz g vanshittybuzz j&J vanshittybuzz 9 2d 4299 likes 4299 likes 4299 likes Vanshittybuzz #cowboys #takethisrichardprince vanshittybuzz #motherfuckasdontknowaboutus#selfie Vanshittybuzz #trees #whoneedscolor #HDR #photo #brokebackmountain #wildwest #alberta #starwars #nofilter#womancrushwednesday#nomakeupmonday #vanshitty #africa #fog #vanshitty #foreal #funtimes #mancrushmonday #didntmeantostartawar #vanshitty #campuscuties #vanshittybuzz #followforfollow (ffigeofflister #ca 11 safewalk view all 69 comments geofflister PHOTO CRED!!!! #photocred #awesome view all 69 comments #beautiful #ubyssey vanshittybuzz.com ©VanshittyBuzz NEWS VARIOUS THINGS THAT HAPPENED TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2014 I 3 FORESKIN ANIMALS BJ WOOD DAVID BEARHEART GUITAR LESSONS WITH GARTH! P8 n3 Ryan Sam Tim COOL GUY ERIC BONKERS US £> •a Sara VANSHITTY BUZZ COMPETITION EXTRAVAGANZA Vanshitty Buzz wants YOU to win! Win everything you have ever wanted. Get a full body massage at a luxury resort spa. Receive that promotion you deserve, and get paid more to work less. Better yet, quit your day job and become a professional slacker. Spend your entire day partying. Wine and dine with the most fabulous movie stars, artists, politicians and businessmen around. Take a vacation to the Bahamas. Buy a yacht, and never use it! Get laid, often. Drink. Take a pharmacopoeia's worth of drugs, then drink some more. Murder someone. Start a cult. Cheat on your significant other. Hours of fun! "I want to win" ©VanshittyBuzz, and send a letter to us with all of your personal information, including your full i ' Buzz competition application to: SUB Room 24, 6138 SUB Blvd., Vancouver, B.C., V6T 1Z1. All entries must be I I by April 1, 2014, in order for competitors to maintain their eligibility. If your application is suitable, we will contact you. We will also share all of your information with a I and otherwise. Vanshitty Buzz cannot be held responsible for any criminal litigation incurred against or by competitors for the duration of I NEWS VARIOUS THINGS THAT HAPPENED TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2014 I 4 EXCLUSIVE KARMELSUTRA TOP 5 RESTAURANTS IN VANCOUVER! P6 HOT GOSS BOND, TRACY BOND SPORTS FEATS OF STRENGTH TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2014 I 5 T-BIRDS HOCKEY UBC STARTS VARSITY SPORTS TOP 10 VANCITY HOCKEY TEAMS *A* PROGRAMS _ BYROCKTHECASBAH I I THINK YESTERDAY, NOT SURE BY MASTER DESTROYER I TODAY of an audience every now and then against With the hockey season coming to an end, we've comprised a list of Vancouver's top 10 some other clubs from across Canada. • teams to follow next year. UBC plans to upgrade a number of club teams to create its first varsity athletics 1. Vancouver Giants — Western Hockey League program after a controversial sports tar­ Like it Tweet it The entire team is under 5'9". get-shooting review, according to a press ai ;by checking this box ;by cutting this story just like on Facebook!; out and passing it on!] release.