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St. Rita Shutdown Has the School Divided We apolo- Dyeing yellow journalism gize in ad- green. T h e N a t i r vance VOL. 8...No. 27 Copyright © 2018-19 The Natir Chicago, Illinois MARCH 2019 stritahs.com FREE BUT DONATIONS ACCEPTED St. Rita shutdown has the school divided Galetto, Student Gov. battle over removed soft serve machine in Dining Hall PETER VIZ ’20 Ever since December 22, St. Rita has been in Hallway again closed after Dennis a school shut down and it does not appear to be going anywhere. Teachers are not getting paid, the Menace puddle students are refusing to learn, and parents are LIAM DALY ’19 getting angrier by the minute. Dennis Connolly, dog of faculty member classmen) clogged the up the second floor And all to think that this problem started a Sue Connolly and students Thomas ’19 and bathroom I shut it down as punishment. Why couple years ago when the self-serve ice cream Aidan ’21, has struck again. The lovely and should I treat this any differently?” machine was brought down with ropes and an angry mob like a statue of a dictator. The self- seemingly friendly dog that is beloved by stu- Questions as to how students will get to serve ice cream machine has been a heated de- dents when he makes an appearance has also class or even get to their lockers are circulat- bate ever since it was taken down from its righ- had a track record of peeing in the academic ing around the school. A few students came teous place in the dining hall. hallway. up with a rope-and-pulley system to lower “I cannot believe they took that away from us,” After the latest incident, Director of Dis- students into class, while lazier ones are go- said one student. “What I am supposed to have cipline Andrew DiMarco decided enough was ing to just skip them all. Multiple seniors have for dessert at lunch now, a Nutri-Grain bar?” Anyone can see that this has put students on enough, shutting down the first floor hallway reportedly spent time after school training edge and balance must be restored to the dining for the rest of the spring semester. Dennis to use the elevator to get to the second hall. So the students knew they had rise up and “Just because Dennis walks on four legs floor and get that closed as well. fight for what was theirs. Many petitions and does not mean he shall be treated any dif- rallies were held for the benefit of the ice cream ferently, said DiMarco. “When the (under- machine, but nothing seemed to work. The Stu- dent Government, which consistently fights for the rights of students and is always productive representation of the student body, decided to go straight to Father Paul Galetto with an ulti- President Trump tweets nuclear codes matum: either give the people what they want or JAKE MARSZEWSKI ’22 the students will refuse to learn, even though it seems some students go with this method any- ways. President Trump has several social media miscues during his tenure as Presi- After much debate, Fr. Paul realized that dent, but this could be the most disastrous. At 2:48 PM on February 1st, the President the students were not giving up on this, so the only way this dilemma could be fixed would be tweeted a cryptic series of letters and numbers. The tweet was soon deleted but not be- through a school shut down. All after school ac- fore some of the president’s millions of social media followers screenshot the tweet. At tivities would be suspended, the museum near age 72, could it be another case of the elderly misusing technology? Was there a glitch the front of the school (is that considered the on President Trump’s device? Actually, it was none of these, as The White House and back of the school now?) would be closed, teach- ers would not be paid, garbage would not be Donald Trump himself have blamed it on Twitter themselves. collected or bathrooms cleaned, and the Dining “President Trump did nothing wrong,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders Hall would now only serve food that was vegan. said during a rare appearance before the White House press corps. “It was obviously The one way to stop people from protesting, ac- the folks at Twitter’s fault. Twitter should have taken down the tweet immediately. cording to St. Rita administration, is by cutting off their supply to pizza and chicken fingers. Twitter could have implemented a rule that could prevent things like this from happen- A month had gone by, but the students were ing.” not giving up. Just the idea of the ice cream Sanders also blamed the media for spreading “fake news.” “CNN and other evil cookie sandwiches that were once pioneered in liberal news outlets love to spread fake news, and this news story is just another exam- the Dining Hall of St. Rita, kept the will of the students alive. People were starving because no ple of a fabricated story. God wanted Mr. Trump to be President and these fake news would dare to try the new tofu option that the outlets are destroying the prophecy. The last thing we’d want is something like The school was trying to push on the students. Natir to pick this up. Now let’s talk about national security.” “I am pretty sure the Dining Hall only serves Well, it was too late for that, as the topic was trending in no time. Millions were vegetables now,” a hungry senior protestor said. “They are even putting spinach into cookies now. criticizing Trump on Twitter and thousand more were on different websites. Even I do not even know who to trust anymore.” conservative pundit Ben Shapiro tweeted, “Okay, President Trump’s twitter mistake is Not before long, kids were smuggling in Mc- NOT epic.” Donald’s, Dunkin Donuts, and even some Taco The President in familiar fashion took to social media to address the issue. “You Bell. The dining hall had become all out anar- chy. Boys were fighting over the limited amount know, I love Twitter,” he tweeted. “LOVE it. Always have. But sometimes it messes up. of fries and McNuggets that were being brought Twitter’s recent blunder that hurt me? NOT good. Twitter could make their site MORE in every day, and things only seemed to be get- successful and LESS controversial by taking down problematic tweets. The FAKE ting worse. Then a glimmer of hope jolted the NEWS outlets like CNN are making the situation worse by spreading more LIES and students from their misery into an era of pros- perity. slandering my name. SAD!” The students could not believe when they heard it, but the news was true. The ice cream machine had been restored and the shutdown was over with. Reports show that the touchscreen TV’s in the school were sold to cover the cost of the ma- chine and the students could not be happier. “This has been the best move the school has made in years,” said a sophomore. “I am never eating vegetables again.” NOTICE: Reports came out recently of students being denied lunches after This shows that the school is heading in the attempting to use the lunch coupons found in the quarterly issues of this publication. The IRS right direction. The next issue of contention will reportedly be plowing the parking lot. Rum- just announced yesterday they plan on investigating Mr. Timothy Baffoe and his claims that blings suggest another planned demonstration these coupons work. Baffoe declined to comment and we will report more as the investigation on the snowy asphalt involving coordinated bor- continues. The Natir is postponing meal coupons indefinitely. rowed parent 2004 Hyundais. STRITAHS.COM • A2• NEWS THE NATIR • MARCH 2019 NATIONAL Wall funding plans supposedly shifting to Space Force THOMAS GLEASON ’21 The government shut down in January seemed to care not about Trump’s Space Force. resentatives and the Senate have indicated they was supposedly over Donald Trump wanting Trump has claimed that another group are not open to creating the Space Force, but five-billion dollars to fund his border wall. Was would pay for the Space Force. “The Space that does not mean that the Space Force will that the true reason? Force would be paid for by the aliens,” he said never become a reality. Recent developments According to an exclusive White House in 2018. “Don’t worry about that.” So what could in this case have hinted at Trump declaring a source, the wall was just a cover for Trump’s have changed his mind between then and now? state of emergency because of the potential of Space Force. “It is all fake,” said an anonymous Michael Cohen claimed to have the answer. aliens attacking the United States. Other White advisor to the president. “Trump doesn’t want But when Natir reporters went to ask him, he House sources have said that further plans may to fund his wall anymore. He is trying to get his was still investigating it. But an anonymous be based on the plot of the upcoming film Space Space Force up and running.” Many people are friend of the president’s said, “He watched the Jam 2. now wondering why it was so hidden from the alien movie with Will Smith, Independence public eye then. Day, and realized that aliens might not be so The answer lies in Donald Trump’s real kind as to pay for the wall.” As the President in plan.
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