We apolo- Dyeing yellow journalism gize in ad- green. T h e N a t i r vance VOL. 8...No. 27 Copyright © 2018-19 The Natir Chicago, Illinois MARCH 2019 stritahs.com FREE BUT DONATIONS ACCEPTED St. Rita shutdown has the school divided

Galetto, Student Gov. battle over removed soft serve machine in Dining Hall

PETER VIZ ’20

Ever since December 22, St. Rita has been in Hallway again closed after Dennis a school shut down and it does not appear to be going anywhere. Teachers are not getting paid, the Menace puddle students are refusing to learn, and parents are LIAM DALY ’19 getting angrier by the minute. Dennis Connolly, dog of faculty member classmen) clogged the up the second floor And all to think that this problem started a Sue Connolly and students Thomas ’19 and bathroom I shut it down as punishment. Why couple years ago when the self-serve ice cream Aidan ’21, has struck again. The lovely and should I treat this any differently?” machine was brought down with ropes and an angry mob like a statue of a dictator. The self- seemingly friendly dog that is beloved by stu- Questions as to how students will get to serve ice cream machine has been a heated de- dents when he makes an appearance has also class or even get to their lockers are circulat- bate ever since it was taken down from its righ- had a track record of peeing in the academic ing around the school. A few students came teous place in the dining hall. hallway. up with a rope-and-pulley system to lower “I cannot believe they took that away from us,” After the latest incident, Director of Dis- students into class, while lazier ones are go- said one student. “What I am supposed to have cipline Andrew DiMarco decided enough was ing to just skip them all. Multiple seniors have for dessert at lunch now, a Nutri-Grain bar?” Anyone can see that this has put students on enough, shutting down the first floor hallway reportedly spent time after school training edge and balance must be restored to the dining for the rest of the spring semester. Dennis to use the elevator to get to the second hall. So the students knew they had rise up and “Just because Dennis walks on four legs floor and get that closed as well. fight for what was theirs. Many petitions and does not mean he shall be treated any dif- rallies were held for the benefit of the ice cream ferently, said DiMarco. “When the (under- machine, but nothing seemed to work. The Stu- dent Government, which consistently fights for the rights of students and is always productive representation of the student body, decided to go straight to Father Paul Galetto with an ulti- President Trump tweets nuclear codes matum: either give the people what they want or JAKE MARSZEWSKI ’22 the students will refuse to learn, even though it seems some students go with this method any- ways. President Trump has several miscues during his tenure as Presi- After much debate, Fr. Paul realized that dent, but this could be the most disastrous. At 2:48 PM on February 1st, the President the students were not giving up on this, so the only way this dilemma could be fixed would be tweeted a cryptic series of letters and numbers. The tweet was soon deleted but not be- through a school shut down. All after school ac- fore some of the president’s millions of social media followers screenshot the tweet. At tivities would be suspended, the museum near age 72, could it be another case of the elderly misusing technology? Was there a glitch the front of the school (is that considered the on President Trump’s device? Actually, it was none of these, as The White House and back of the school now?) would be closed, teach- ers would not be paid, garbage would not be Donald Trump himself have blamed it on Twitter themselves. collected or bathrooms cleaned, and the Dining “President Trump did nothing wrong,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders Hall would now only serve food that was vegan. said during a rare appearance before the White House press corps. “It was obviously The one way to stop people from protesting, ac- the folks at Twitter’s fault. Twitter should have taken down the tweet immediately. cording to St. Rita administration, is by cutting off their supply to pizza and chicken fingers. Twitter could have implemented a rule that could prevent things like this from happen- A month had gone by, but the students were ing.” not giving up. Just the idea of the ice cream Sanders also blamed the media for spreading “fake news.” “CNN and other evil cookie sandwiches that were once pioneered in liberal news outlets love to spread fake news, and this news story is just another exam- the Dining Hall of St. Rita, kept the will of the students alive. People were starving because no ple of a fabricated story. God wanted Mr. Trump to be President and these fake news would dare to try the new tofu option that the outlets are destroying the prophecy. The last thing we’d want is something like The school was trying to push on the students. Natir to pick this up. Now let’s talk about national security.” “I am pretty sure the Dining Hall only serves Well, it was too late for that, as the topic was trending in no time. Millions were vegetables now,” a hungry senior protestor said. “They are even putting spinach into cookies now. criticizing Trump on Twitter and thousand more were on different websites. Even I do not even know who to trust anymore.” conservative pundit Ben Shapiro tweeted, “Okay, President Trump’s twitter mistake is Not before long, kids were smuggling in Mc- NOT epic.” Donald’s, Dunkin Donuts, and even some Taco The President in familiar fashion took to social media to address the issue. “You Bell. The dining hall had become all out anar- chy. Boys were fighting over the limited amount know, I love Twitter,” he tweeted. “LOVE it. Always have. But sometimes it messes up. of fries and McNuggets that were being brought Twitter’s recent blunder that hurt me? NOT good. Twitter could make their site MORE in every day, and things only seemed to be get- successful and LESS controversial by taking down problematic tweets. The FAKE ting worse. Then a glimmer of hope jolted the NEWS outlets like CNN are making the situation worse by spreading more LIES and students from their misery into an era of pros- perity. slandering my name. SAD!” The students could not believe when they heard it, but the news was true. The ice cream machine had been restored and the shutdown was over with. Reports show that the touchscreen TV’s in the school were sold to cover the cost of the ma- chine and the students could not be happier. “This has been the best move the school has made in years,” said a sophomore. “I am never eating vegetables again.” NOTICE: Reports came out recently of students being denied lunches after This shows that the school is heading in the attempting to use the lunch coupons found in the quarterly issues of this publication. The IRS right direction. The next issue of contention will reportedly be plowing the parking lot. Rum- just announced yesterday they plan on investigating Mr. Timothy Baffoe and his claims that blings suggest another planned demonstration these coupons work. Baffoe declined to comment and we will report more as the investigation on the snowy asphalt involving coordinated bor- continues. The Natir is postponing meal coupons indefinitely. rowed parent 2004 Hyundais.

STRITAHS.COM • A2• NEWS THE NATIR • MARCH 2019

NATIONAL Wall funding plans supposedly shifting to Space Force

THOMAS GLEASON ’21

The government shut down in January seemed to care not about Trump’s Space Force. resentatives and the Senate have indicated they was supposedly over Donald Trump wanting Trump has claimed that another group are not open to creating the Space Force, but five-billion dollars to fund his border wall. Was would pay for the Space Force. “The Space that does not mean that the Space Force will that the true reason? Force would be paid for by the aliens,” he said never become a reality. Recent developments According to an exclusive White House in 2018. “Don’t worry about that.” So what could in this case have hinted at Trump declaring a source, the wall was just a cover for Trump’s have changed his mind between then and now? state of emergency because of the potential of Space Force. “It is all fake,” said an anonymous Michael Cohen claimed to have the answer. aliens attacking the United States. Other White advisor to the president. “Trump doesn’t want But when Natir reporters went to ask him, he House sources have said that further plans may to fund his wall anymore. He is trying to get his was still investigating it. But an anonymous be based on the plot of the upcoming film Space Space Force up and running.” Many people are friend of the president’s said, “He watched the Jam 2. now wondering why it was so hidden from the alien movie with Will Smith, Independence public eye then. Day, and realized that aliens might not be so The answer lies in Donald Trump’s real kind as to pay for the wall.” As the President in plan. “Mr. Trump wanted to hide his Space that film is also handsome and brave, it would Force from our enemies in order to have the seem to reason that the extraterrestrial aspects edge over them,” said his former attorney, Mi- of the plot could also be possible. chael Cohen, during testimony in front of the This all leads to the big question: will House Oversight Committee last month. This the Space Force ever become a real thing? In shows that Trump was trying to hide his Space the case of Netflix, it will. The streaming ser- Force plans to get a military advantage over the vice is creating a documentary TV series us- United States’ enemies. ing real footage from the Space Force. It will “What?” replied Russian president Vladi- document the regular working day as an em- mir Putin during a phone call with The Natir. ployee of the Space Force. Netflix also stated “Um… There was no collusion.” Despite how that Steve Carell will be the boss of the space interesting those comments are, could there be station. Donald Trump has refused to confirm more there? that, but Carell has. “Yes, I will be a regional Jefferson putting in 20 hours of “reflection.” “Space Force?” questioned North Korean manager of the Space Force,” said Carell. Since leader Kim Jong-un. “We have missiles that can those comments, many people have signed up shoot all the way up there with perfect accura- for the Space Force. cy.” Most world leaders that The Natir spoke to On the political side, the House of Rep-

Conspiracy theory accuses McDonald’s of creating re- cord-breaking egg account

JOSHUA CARROLL ’22

There is a conspiracy theory going around the internet recent- tritionist P. Cavanaugh Brennan. “They want abs, but not just regu- ly which connects the record-breaking social media egg and fast- lar abs--they want abs that would make their friends on Instagram food behemoth McDonald’s. The restaurant already makes so many jealous. That’s why McDonald’s targeted the teen market. The egg sandwiches with eggs, such as the popular McMuffin, that it’s hard in the picture had no imperfections. It looked like an organic egg. to even count. Teens want everything organic and farm to table. McDonald’s has Then conspiracy theorists stumbled upon something. In the always been known for their meals being full of grease. No one source code of the McDonald’s website was a picture of the famous goes to McDonald’s for a healthy breakfast.” egg from the account @world_record_egg that broke the Insta- By brainwashing teens into seeing the glimmering golden gram “like” record. Per scholarly source Wikipedia, “On 4 January egg as a beacon of health, McDonald’s hoped for increased sales of 2019, the @world_record_egg account was created, and posted an the Egg McMuffin. Imagine the impact McDonald’s brainwashing image of a bird egg with the caption, ‘Let’s set a world record to- technique could have on teen obesity. Teens in the near future will gether and get the most liked post on Instagram. Beating the cur- need to supersize their cars, resulting in wider drive-thrus. rent world record held by (18 million)! We got this.’ McDonald’s has created a brand new mascot called Chicken Boy, Kylie Jenner’s previous record, the first photo of her daughter which has become a national phenomenon and has spawned an Stormi, had garnered a total of 18.4 million likes.” entire family of chicken mascots including Heather the Hen and This conspiracy all started just a few days after the @world_ Roger the Rooster. Kids clamor for the chicken family toys in their record_egg account was created. It seemed far fetched for a brand Happy Meals. new account to seek the record for likes. Such an account should Those who believe in the conspiracy have denounced McDon- have had no longevity. According to social media tracking company ald’s as an evil company who is trying to brainwash teens into Mention, 70% of Instagram users have fewer than 1,000 follow- buying a boatload of their nefariously-delicious products. ers, and most of those users are people doing their best to paint As I start to think about it... an Egg McMuffin does sound good a largely false portrayal of themselves for a sad form of perceived to eat as a healthy breakfast. I think I’m going to go get a delicious popularity without any real substance to fill the chasm in their and nutritious Egg McMuffin from McDonald’s. Oh no! They’ve souls that their uncreative real lives cannot fix. gotten into my head! Tell my family I love them! When you see 7 The egg went viral after celebrities started to promote the egg. me next, I will be supersized after devouring those delicious Egg Google searches for McDonald’s skyrocketed as a result of the pic- McMuffins. McDonald’s truly has achieved total domination of the ture’s popularity. Two plus two then clearly equaled four to con- entire world. I am prepared to keep eating all of the phenomenally spiracy theorists. They got straight to work correlating the spike scrumptious items created by our savior, Ronald McDonald. in McDonald’s sales and searches to the rise in popularity of the 6 record breaking egg. McDonald’s has always been a company to take steps to maintain constant relevance in a variety of markets. Of late the 5 teen market was being targeted, since this generation of teens are more health conscious. “Teens want their kale salads and protein shakes,” said St. Rita science teacher and, therefore, probably nu-

STRITAHS.COM • A3• NEWS NATIONAL

LIAMSR DALYStudent ’19 Government plays crucial role in ending government shutdown With the longest government shutdown in American History finally over some have been wondering how it actually ended. Many people cite increasing pressure from unpaid workers or the air traffic controllers calling in sick to shut down transportation, but many don’t know that it was an unlikely group that ended the 35-day-long paralysis of many federal government services. The St. Rita Student Government was called into action on Day 25 of the shutdown when both Democrats in Congress and President Trump refused to budge on their demands. White House officials heard of the students’ masterful work bringing back the White Castle Eating Contest after outrage over the inexplicable change to Krispy Kreme donuts as well as their efforts to make events like the Junior Prom a smashing success. While members of student council did sign a non-disclosure agreement, one source said, “Before we came in it was like children arguing over who gets to play with a toy. We Ritamen are responsible and civil, which is why we were so effective.”

Trump,SAUL GARCIA El’21 Chapo to be in Monopoly game deciding border wall funding

President Donald Trump, Congress and the Mexican Government have reached an agreement to come to a fair way to pay for the bor- der wall. Funding for the wall will be determined by a game of Monopoly, the popular board game that pits individuals in a race to be the richest participant. The U.S. and Mexican governments established ground rules on the criteria to win the game earlier this week, with two possible ways to fund the wall. First, whoever has the most money at the end of 100 turns will be declared winner and will fund the wall. Sec- ond, the first person to go bankrupt will automatically fund the wall. There will be four players in the board game: President Trump, Ted Cruz, Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, and recently incarcerated drug lord El Chapo. The game will reportedly take place inside Trump Tower in Chicago, Illinois, per President Trump’s request. Out of fear that he would go bankrupt first, President Trump ordered that the players in the game will be represented by another wealthy person or group. Trump, valued by Forbes at 3.1 billion dollars, appointed Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffet, the three richest people in the world at a combined value of $310 billion, to be his representatives. Trump reportedly promised the three that if he ends up not having to pay for the wall, they would all be rewarded with government positions. However, Trump promised them that if he “won” the game and had to pay, the three wealthiest men would fork up the money themselves and subsequently be arrested on charges of conspiring against the president. Obrador appointed Carlos Slim, the richest Mexican in the world at an estimated $61 billion, to be his representative. Cruz, de- termined to fund the wall by means of El Chapo’s seized drug assets, elected not to have a representative and play himself. “Growing up as a boy, I was the champion at this game,” Cruz said in a press conference this week. “With the pride of America behind me, I will be sure to win this game myself and still have that criminal El Chapo pay for the wall via seized drug assets. “My family often referred to me as the GOAT of Monopoly, with some others even calling me the Monopoly equivalent of Michael Jor- dan.I will not let them down. Rock on America!” In another press conference on closed-circuit television, El Chapo announced his representatives for the game, which stirred much more attention than that of any of his future Monopoly opponents. “If President Trump and Senator Cruz want me to play their game, then so be it,” he said via translator, speaking publicly for the first time since his incarceration. “I will play the game the ‘American Way’ and enlist Vladimir Putin and the Russian Government to be my repre- sentatives. Surely, I will dominate this game with the Russian tactics behind me, as history has proven that everyone with Russian influence always wins. Thank you.” After concluding his speech, El Chapo dropped the microphone on his way back to his prison cell to prepare for the game, leaving with a chuckle. While the buildup to the monumental game of Monopoly has gained national and global recognition, some countries, notably China, have opposed the game of Monopoly. President Xi Jinping directly opposed the game and any progress of a wall along the border of Mexico and the United States. “The recent attempts by the governments of the United States and Mexico to build a wall along their shared border is nothing but a worthless attempt to replicate our Great Wall of China,” said the Chinese leader. “Our Great Wall is the one and only Great Wall and no other nation shall ever attempt to replicate our wall with whatever foolish mockery of a wall that their engineers devise.” President Jinping promised legal action against the two nations if any construction is attempted on a border wall. President Frank-Walter Steinmeier of Germany offered advice to the U.S. and Mexican governments before their Monopoly game in an effort to come to a peaceful resolution. Steinmeier had only a few but powerful words for Trump and Obrador in letters sent to the both of them. “We tried the wall solution a couple of decades ago,” the letters warned. “Look at how that turned out.” Trump responded, “If I was in charge of Germany back then, that wall would still be standing proud today. I am a wall-designing genius. When this wall is up, people from all over the world are going to be lining up to ask me how I did it. Just wait and see.” The game of Monopoly to fund the U.S.-Mexico wall has gained national and global fame in just days since its announcement. Some say that it will be an even bigger event than the Super Bowl. Rumor has it that famous recording artists such as Queen and Bruno Mars will perform at intermissions of the game. The game will be televised live on ESPN, ABC, CBS, FOX, and WGN Chicago.

Presidents Obrador (left) and Trump (right) are set to pass Go and collect $200.

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