Strive for Perfection but don’t be a Perfectionist

s we approach the Yamim Noraim — the High Holidays — the themes of teshuva and Chaim Nissel, Psy.D. self-improvementA are on everybody’s University Dean of Students, Yeshiva University mind. It seems that every year, we dutifully beat our chests and recite the same Al Cheits, but are these actions getting us where we want to in great detail expands the sequence sources that seem to imply that be? Though we remedy some of our listed by R. Pinchas Ben Yair (Avodah spiritual perfection is unattainable for sins, it seems that there are always Zara 20B)1 for attaining this perfect mortals. From the outset, our world new ones to atone for and spiritual service of Hashem. Ultimately, in the was created with inherent spiritual challenges to meet. Where does our final stages, all of a person’s actions pitfalls, and sin is almost inevitable. yearly mandate of self-improvement and intents, physical and spiritual, Kohelet clearly tells us: lead us? Are we expected to achieve כי אדם אין צדיק בארץ אשר יעשה־טוב ולא are purely for the sake of Heaven and perfect spirituality? יחטא. culminate with an almost complete קהלת ז:כ negation of the physical and complete Strive to be Perfect attachment to Hashem. For there is no righteous man on earth In a similar vein, on Yom Kippur, the One doesn’t have to go beyond the who does good and does not sin. holiest day of the year when spiritual first sentence of Rav Moshe Chayim Kohelet 7:20 strivings find their fullest expression, Luzzatto’sMesilat Yeshrim for one we divest ourselves of our physical Given these conditions, humans approach. Rav Luzzatto (known as the trappings and liken ourselves to could not withstand a world guided Ramchal) writes: angels. According to the Rama (O.C. solely by midat hadin, absolute justice, one of the reasons we wear which demands perfection and ,(610:4 יסוד החסידות ושרש העבודה התמימה הוא .white on Yom Kippur is “dugmat swift punishment for any infraction שיתברר ויתאמת אצל האדם מה חובתו malachei hashareit” — to be likened Therefore Hashem partneredmidat בעולמו ולמה צריך שישים מבטו ומגמתו בכל to angels. We also recite “Baruch harachamim (compassion) with midat אשר הוא עמל כל ימי חייו. shem k’vod Malchuto leolam va’ed” hadin (absolute justice) to create the מסילת ישרים, פרק א world (Rashi, Bereishit 1:1). The foundation of true piety and the root aloud during the Yom Kippur service of perfect service of Hashem are formed because, as the Mishnah Berurah In Vayikra, the verse states: (619:2) explains, “This is the song of אֲׁשֶ ר נָׂשִ יא יֶחֱטָ א; וְעָׂשָה אַחַת מִּכָל מִ צְ וֹת ה’ by a person’s clarifying and verifying to himself what is his obligation in his angels and on Yom Kippur, Jews are אֱֹלקָיואֲׁשֶ ר לֹא-תֵעָׂשֶ ינָה,ּבִׁשְ גָגָה--וְאָׁשֵ ם. compared to angels.” Is our demeanor ויקרא ד:כב world and toward what goal he should direct his outlook and ambition in on Yom Kippur indicative of what our everything he strives for during all the lifetime goal should be — to achieve When a ruler sins, and commits one days of his life. “angelic” spiritual perfection? from among all the commandments Mesilat Yesharim Chap. 1 of Hashem that may not be done — But We Can’t be Perfect unintentionally — and becomes guilty. The Ramchal delineates what our Vayikra 4:22 outlook and ambition should be and On the other hand, there are countless

26 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF Torah To-Go Series • Rosh Hashanah-Yom Kippur 5776 The S’forno suggests that this verse begins with the term “asher nasi yecheta” — when a ruler sins — implying that committing sin is inevitable, because all people, even our leaders, are going to sin. The Talmud in four instances2 discusses cases that factor in human failings. One example is the discussion (Kiddushin 54a) of whether the kohein may derive personal benefit from thebigdei kehuna, the priestly garments. After the kohein has completed the Temple service, he cannot immediately remove the holy garments but must walk to the designated changing area. The Talmud posits that perhaps there is a problem that during this time, he is wearing the holy clothing merely to protect his body and not for the Avodah, the holy Temple service. The Talmud responds that this is not a problem because “Torah lo nitna lemalachei hashareit” — The Torah was not given to ministering angels. The Torah was designed for human beings and takes into account our imperfections and physical needs. From these teachings, one may draw the conclusion that spiritual perfection is unattainable and despite our greatest attempts, it is beyond our reach. Should this leave us paralyzed or even despondent? If we can’t achieve perfection, what’s the point of trying?

Pitfalls of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is commonly defined as a refusal to accept The future is now. any standard short of perfect. People who are prone to perfectionistic thinking do not accept any failings on Enroll today. the road to achieving their goals, and their fear of failure Women’s Open House and Israel Fair leads to great distress. They typically engage in “all or Sunday, November 15, 2015 nothing” thinking and evaluate their performance in black Stern College for Women and white terms. Perfectionists cannot move beyond Sy Syms School of Business any shortcomings and begin to view themselves and the Beren Campus whole enterprise as a failure. In a sense, perfectionists set themselves up for failure because achieving their expected Men’s Open House and Israel Fair lofty accomplishments without any setbacks is often Sunday, November 22, 2015 Yeshiva College impossible. The anxiety that perfectionists experience Sy Syms School of Business about making mistakes leads to procrastination and Wilf Campus avoidance and may hold them back from ever achieving RSVP at www.yu.edu/open-house success.3 This mindset can manifest itself in any realm of a person’s life but is primarily experienced with the issues a person cares most about. This can include religious observance, www.yu.edu | 212.960.5277 | [email protected] and many perfectionists expect their religious behaviors to be 100 percent unwavering, with no setbacks. Once www.yu.edu/enroll

27 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF Torah To-Go Series • Rosh Hashanah-Yom Kippur 5776 they have sinned at all or achieved 1. Optimalist vs. less than the unrealistically high Perfectionist5 Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael standards they’ve set for themselves, Kanievsky they perceive total failure. They Alongside the perfectionist is the then turn a negative behavior into a optimalist. Both may have equally negative identity. They cannot say, high ambitions and both will try “I am basically a good person with to avoid failure. However, whereas behavior I must correct.” Rather perfectionists intensely fear failure they say, “I am a total failure, a bad and setbacks, optimalists recognize person and a bad Jew.” This train of that there will be ups and downs thought is sometimes followed by on the way to achieving their goal. “How can I stand before Hashem to An optimalist has a healthy attitude daven or learn when I am a sinner?” toward failure, namely that all humans The overwhelming guilt leads to make mistakes, and that is OK. A their feeling empty and worthless, success that was arrived at after a Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, which can then lead to feelings of series of difficulties is as much a known as The Steipler or The despair.4 The destructive guilt which success, or perhaps even greater a Steipler Gaon (1899–1985), was perfectionists experience does not success, than one that was setback- a rabbi, Talmudic scholar, and lead to their improving themselves, free. As King Shlomo said: posek (“decisor” of Jewish law). but rather leads them to becoming He was born in the Ukrainian town of Hornostaypil, from which his ּכִי עׁשֶבַ יִּפֹול צַּדִ יק וָקָ ם. משלי כד:טז paralyzed and paradoxically being unable to correct the sinful behavior. appellation, “the Steipler”, was later A righteous person falls seven times and derived. Having progressed rapidly Earlier we mentioned the paradox rises. and gained a reputation as a talmid of striving for spiritual perfection on Proverbs 24:16 chacham, around the age of 19 he the one hand and the impossibility was sent to set up a branch of the of achieving such perfection on This is not arasha who sins — it’s yeshiva in Rogochov. However, the the other. For one who has a about a tzaddik who learns from his Bolshevik Revolution was in full perfectionistic outlook on his or her sins. Despite multiple failings, he swing and Rabbi Kanievsky was religious behavior, Rosh Hashanah gets up immediately and rights his conscripted into the Red Army. In and Yom Kippur can be particularly improper behavior and is still referred spite of the harsh conditions, he challenging. Remorse, which is a to as a tzaddik. continued to strictly observe all the mitzvot. In 1934, he moved to necessary step in the teshuva process Rav Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, known Israel, settling in Bnei Brak, where (Hilchot Teshuva 2:2), becomes as the Steipler, writes about life’s his brother-in-law Rabbi Avraham destructive guilt. Even though spiritual ups and downs:6 Hashem is the benevolent God who Yeshaya Karelitz (the Chazon Ish) had already been living for a year לכן אין מה לפחד אלא יבין בדעתו שכך הוא has compassion on the individual, the and a half. For many years he was טבע האדם וסדר חייו שפעמים יש עליות perfectionist cannot have compassion head of two yeshivas there. Though ופעמים ירידות, וכמעט בלתי אפשרי להחזיק on himself or herself. ,known as a world-class scholar מעמד במצב נעלה ומרומם בתמידות. ובאמת, Rabbi Kanievsky shunned publicity יותר מזה הוא, שאי אפשר לאדם להגיע The following concepts can help ,and lived in humble surroundings לעלייה יותר גדולה בלי ירידה. people struggling with all types of perfectionism, and most certainly Therefore, there is nothing to fear. But teaching, writing and devoting those struggling with the religious understand that this is human nature himself to Torah and good deeds. variety of perfection at this time of and the pattern of life, that there are at The Steipler is most well-know year. times ups and at times downs. And it for his Kehillot Yaakov, a prolific analysis of most volumes of the is almost impossible to withstand high Talmud. and exalted status constantly. More than that, it is impossible for man to achieve Adapted from Wikipedia

28 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF Torah To-Go Series • Rosh Hashanah-Yom Kippur 5776 even greater heights, without some should remove the Satan from in front Each and every person has merits and downward movement. of us and from behind us. We request sins. A person whose merits exceed one’s that Hashem remove the Satan from sins [is termed] righteous. A person 2. Productive vs. Destructive “in front of us” to prevent us from whose sins exceed one’s merits [is Guilt sinning. But why do we need to ask termed] wicked. If [one’s sins and merits] Hashem to remove the Satan from are equal, one is termed an in-between When setbacks do occur, guilt and “behind us?” Perhaps it’s because after (Beinoni).” remorse are necessary components of the sin, the Satan tries to distance Teshuva 3:1 us from the proper behavior with the teshuva process and the distress Rambam further describes how one destructive guilt. Rather than healthy experienced motivates us to change should perceive oneself: and improve. But this can only occur reflection which can empower one to לפיכך צריך כל אדם שיראה עצמו כל השנה if the guilt experienced is productive improve, destructive guilt generates a כולה כאילו חציו זכאי וחציו חייב. guilt. Destructive guilt, on the other sense of ye’ush (despair). This causes הלכות תשובה ג:ד hand, effectively blocks teshuva and one to feel that all is lost and that he or leads one to give up trying to improve. she cannot get back on track. Therefore a person should always consider oneself as equally balanced An example of this difference can The Steipler also writes about between merit and sin. 7 be seen in the way we diet, and destructive guilt: Teshuva 3:4 many who have tried dieting have ואולם האדם אשר נכשל בחטא ... ומרגיש experienced this destructive guilt. Why should one picture oneself as רגשי אשמה עד כדי שיעסיקו את מחשבותיו There are two distinct emotional a beinoni, as being in the middle? כל היום, וכל הזמן הוא עושה חשבונות מדוע reactions one may have after eating Perhaps if one imagined oneself as a ועל מה קרה ככה וכדומה, ואינו יכול לרכז a “forbidden” cookie while on a rasha, one would more strongly feel מחשבתו, ואינו לומד ומתפלל כראוי כיון diet. One might feel remorseful and the need for teshuva? The answer שמחשבתו טרודה ואינו נותנת לו שום מנוחה consequently refrain from having is that when someone experiences — ידע שאין זה רצון הבוי’’ת, ואין זה אופן the second cookie. This is healthy himself as a rasha, the chances of הראוי להשתמש בכוח זו. guilt, and the likelihood is that one improving actually diminish. One is When a person sins ... and he is wracked will be back on track with the diet. more likely to give up and say “What’s with guilt all day, and he constantly But if one feels so upset about eating the point? I am too far gone to return; questions why and how this occurred and the cookie and thinks in an “all or all is lost.” The individual experiences the like, and he cannot concentrate and nothing” mindset, the dieter will a break in his or her relationship cannot learn and pray as usual because convince himself or herself, “It’s with Hashem and feels there is no he is obsessed with these thoughts and hopeless. What’s the point in trying way back. Hence the proper self- he cannot find any rest, He should know to diet? I failed my diet; I might as assessment is that of a beinoni who this is not what Hashem desires and this well eat another three cookies.” This is says, “I acknowledge the good that I’ve is not the proper function of guilt. destructive guilt. done and I have significant merits and The Steipler’s advice for a person unique talents that I can feel proud of. When we fall short of any overcome with unremitting guilt is I also have sinned and done terrible undertaking, we have to acknowledge to designate a short period each day, things for which I feel awful and must that we made a mistake, and we can “such as 15 minutes,” to contemplate do teshuva.” then continue moving toward our his sins and feel remorse. He should goal. Not only must one avoid the not, however, think of his sins while perfectionist’s fear of failure and the Rambam in describes learning Torah or praying, because Hilchot Teshuva pitfall of “all or nothing” thinking three categories of people: these activities need to be done described above; the perfectionist should also try to cultivate a healthy כל אחד ואחד מבני האדם, יש לו זכיות .b’simcha, with joy .sense of self ועונות. מי שזכיותיו יתירות על עונותיו, צדיק. Every night at Maariv, in the ומי שעונותיו יתירות על זכיותיו, רשע. מחצה paragraph beginning with למחצה, בינוני. Hashkeveinu,” we say “Vehaser satan“ הלכות תשובה ג:א melifanenu u’meachareinu” — Hashem

29 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF Torah To-Go Series • Rosh Hashanah-Yom Kippur 5776 3. Realistic Self-Assessment Toward a Lasting Spiritual to attain the greatest heights possible. vs. Superhuman Expectations Perfection But as much as we would like the path between where we are spiritually Underlying a perfectionist’s fear of The Talmud Shabbat( 55b) recounts holding today and where we want to go failure is often a deficiency in self- that there were actually four people to be in a straight line, it will likely not esteem. The individual who lacks who never sinned: Binyamin the be — and that is OK. The process and an overall sense of self-worth and son of Yaakov, Amram the father of the direction in which we are moving personal value may feel “I can only Moshe, Yishai the father of David, matter more than the end result. As be successful by achieving, without and Calev the son of David. These long as we keep the goals of spiritual any mistakes or setbacks. A truly individuals were spiritual giants who perfection in view and use its guiding competent, worthwhile person warrant our admiration and deepest principles to help us navigate, we will would have gotten it right the first respect. Yet others, such as the always be on the right track. time.” Working on self-esteem Avot, Moshe Rabeinu and Aharon Notes involves realistically recognizing Hakohein, who by tradition did sin, ת”ר: ונשמרת מכל דבר רע - שלא יהרהר אדם .our accomplishments and failings are deemed our greatest role models 1 ביום ויבוא לידי טומאה בלילה. מכאן א”ר פנחס בן יאיר: תורה מביאה לידי זהירות, זהירות מביאה לידי while holding on to the notion of our and occupy the highest levels of זריזות, זריזות מביאה לידי נקיות, נקיות מביאה לידי inherent goodness and potential. We esteem as foundational leaders of our פרישות, פרישות מביאה לידי טהרה, טהרה מביאה ,must remember that we are children nation. As Rabbi Zevulun Charlop לידי )חסידות, חסידות( ]קדושה, קדושה[ מביאה לידי of Hashem and just as parents Dean Emeritus of RIETS, explained,8 ענוה, ענוה מביאה לידי יראת חטא, יראת חטא מביאה accept their child with his or her these four did not sin because they לידי )קדושה, קדושה( ]חסידות, חסידות[ מביאה לידי רוח הקודש, רוח הקודש מביאה לידי תחיית המתים imperfections, Hashem accepts us did not step out of their comfort even when we are off track. zone to overcome life’s challenges. Our Rabbis taught: The words, Thou shalt keep It is those who take risks to lead and The Rebbe Menachem Mendel Mi- thee from every evil thing, mean that one should inspire others who will inevitably not indulge in such thoughts by day as might Kosov writes an incredible insight in make mistakes and sin, but will lead to uncleanliness by night. Hence R. Phineas the Sefer Ahavat Shalom to Parshat also continue to reach even greater b. Jair said: Study leads to precision, precision V’Zot Habrachah (pg. 330). The leads to zeal, zeal leads to cleanliness, cleanliness heights. Being able to look back on Mishnah in Pirkei Avot (4:1) says leads to restraint, restraint leads to purity, purity a life devoid of sin is undoubtedly “Aizehu ashir? Hasameach b’chelko” leads to holiness, holiness leads to meekness, a lofty goal, but perhaps sinning, meekness leads to fear of sin, fear of sin leads to — Who is considered rich? One overcoming that challenge, and saintliness, saintliness leads to the [possession of] who is happy with his portion. While continuing to rise up is even greater. the holy spirit, the holy spirit leads to life eternal. the traditional understanding is (Soncino Translation) Our most exalted leaders provide us regarding physical possessions, being with a more realistic depiction of what 2. Berakhot 25b, Yoma 30a, Kiddushin 54a, and happy with what you own, the Rebbe Meilah 14b. our spiritual journey will look like, Mi-Kosov says this is also true with detours, disruptions and all. 3. Flett, G. L. and Hewitt, P. L. (2014), spiritual matters. When one feels A Proposed Framework For Preventing depressed over a sin or a lapse in So, where should a lifetime of self- Perfectionism And Promoting Resilience And behavior and is feeling that all is lost, improvement lead? Most definitely in Mental Health Among Vulnerable Children he should recognize and acknowledge the direction of spiritual perfection. And Adolescents. Psychology in the Schools 51: 899–912. the portion of mitzvot and good deeds As Chazal say: that he has. “Sameach b’chelko” — Be 4. B.A. Fedewa et al. (2005), Positive and /negative perfectionism and the shame כל אחד מישראל חייב לומר “מתי יגיעו מעשי happy with your portion, meaning guilt distinction: adaptive and maladaptive למעשי אבותי אברהם יצחק ויעקב.” your collection of accomplishments, characteristics. Personality and Individual .Differences 38 1609–1619 תנא דבי אליהו, פרק כה and be content. The Rebbe Mi-Kosov Every Jew is obligated to say “When will goes as far as to say that even while 5. In The Pursuit of Perfect, Tal Ben-Shahar one is experiencing guilt, one should my actions reach those of my forefathers devotes pages 7-36 to develop this topic. sustain one’s happiness and in this — Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov?” 6. Eitzot V’Hadrachot, Aliyot Veyeridot pg 76. manner better serve Hashem. Tanna D’bei Eliyahu, chapter 25 7. Eitzot V’Hadrachot, Rigshei Ashamah, pg. 86. We must aspire to reach the level of the Avot and continually work on ourselves 8. Personal communication.

30 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF Torah To-Go Series • Rosh Hashanah-Yom Kippur 5776